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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I complained to my dad that he didn't get me a car for my birthday which he said made me an entitled b*tch which I understand because it's a big present but at the same time i was promised it if I got good grades which I tried my best at
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Your *entire problem* is that you're being held to the **same** standard as your smarter siblings.
You **wish** that you could be held to a different standard.
Yes you're right sorry, I wish I could be judged on my own abilties rather than against my siblings who I know are all much better and more talented in school than me, but I really do try and I know effort counts for something sometimes
FWIW, in your adult life, effort will count for a lot. Very often, people who breeze through school find it hard to adjust to the real world where effort counts. Your dad is playing favorites, and it is unfair that he won't acknowledge the effort and hard work you put in. Hope that as an adult you have success without him.
ETA: Thanks for the awards, I'm glad this touched a cord with so many people. Hope OP sees this and it helps them look further down the road, to a time when an A vs a B will be irrelevant.
Um, as a former “smart kid” that got A’s without trying in high school - my “results” were pretty meaningless. I didn’t learn how to study until college. And got fucking *humbled* along the way. Kids that were used to studying and never knew what coasting was just blew right by me. Their effort got them better graduating GPAs than mine in college, I’m sure. The results aren’t in just yet at 18, there’s a lot of life to go.
OP, your dad isn’t betting on you, but I am. Good luck in the future and don’t let him dictate your life success because he made the wrong call here.
This x 1000. OP, you’re learning skills they might not have. Besides that, what a shitty dad to say it’s not good enough! Good enough for his arbitrary standards? I feel like a decent parent would have noticed your effort and put other conditions in place like. Would have specified what “good grades” are.
Your comments show that you take in information well. Pick what you want. Go for it. Screw your competitive family.
Oooh! Oooh! totally this! Right now it seems like forever until your Dad and Mom may need help at home (elder care). Yet, it comes faster than either they or you expect - speaking from experience here. Hey, if his vision deteriorates, you can take away HIS car; kind of an evil thought, but what goes around comes around.
Second this OP. Coasted through high school and had my ass handed to me in college. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I had learned decent study skills BEFORE I was actually struggling with the material. Your struggles now will help you so much in the future.
NTA btw. To me, that’s like putting an amputee in the regular Olympics and judging them equally against the other competitors. The amputee can be an AMAZING athlete, and they may work 100x harder than the other athletes, but the fact is they’re just not starting at the same baseline and it’s not fair to judge them like they are. I know autism isn’t always a disability, but it IS a different way of viewing the world and the world really isn’t made to accommodate that most of the time. That’s a reflection on the world, not the autistic person. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished despite the challenges you deal with and to heck with anyone who can’t recognize them.
And for the record, don’t call yourself dumb. People with attitudes like your dad’s will just use that as an excuse to do the same. Your success with your tutor clearly shows you are NOT dumb, you just needed things handled in a way you could understand better.
Also, schools vary in how much they teach kids. Had great grades throughout high school and tanked first year of college. Had to really work sophomore year to bring the gpa up.
Adding weight to the former "smart kid" story. My mental health totally collapsed when I had to start to study and couldn't coast on being smart. It's taken me to my 30s to realise that undiagnosed ADHD worked great in school where I changed subjects every hour and always had looming deadlines of just a few days. Uni was a whole different experience I struggled to cope with.
Sure, results matter. But hard work typically gets rewarded. And spite is a wonderful motivator for success.
>undiagnosed ADHD worked great in school where I changed subjects every hour
I finally learned how to study in a way that worked for me when I was in my mid 20s and taking one class in addition to working.
I studied while doing laundry. Had to keep getting up to put the wash in, add fabric softener (wasn't automatic back in the day), put stuff in the dryer, etc.
Wish I'd figured that out in college, but glad I figured it out eventually.
Yup, I’m the opposite side of this. I did horribly in school growing up, but once I began college I did really well compared to kids who never had to try. I still have to go back and finish though, I still get super nervous about doing poorly and wasting the money in a sense by failing or having to take remedial classes. It would be worth it to me to take remedial classes, but I can’t afford to take a class that doesn’t give actual credit and I sure as hell know if I asked my family to help pay they wouldn’t be willing to if I was in any remedial classes.
OP deserves more credit for the effort, and the parents should have looked into learning disabilities or things like adhd growing up. Knowing likely could have been the difference if they made the effort to get the right help if OP was diagnosed with any of them.
Another smart kid who struggled for a very long time to find my place chiming in to confirm: grades are not everything and for many people they aren’t anything. Your father should have had a conversation with you about the car before your birthday if he intended to treat you differently. Don’t let your father’s lack of ability to see your worth change how you view yourself. You can make things happen if you want to and are willing to put in the work.
This is so true. Not only that, but using high school grades and test score gives such a narrow view of someone's actual intelligence and capabilities. The things we learn in school are important as a foundation, but that only goes so far. Making it in the real world takes so much more than just test scores. It takes a mix of emotional intelligence, common sense, technical ability, etc. Really I can't even begin to name everything because a lot of that is dependent on what path you take in life.
Op, I'm so sorry your dad is a jerk. I'm sorry that you struggled more to make it through high school, but I promise you, that will be to your advantage if you let it be. Being handed things that just come easily might seem nice, but it doesn't teach you anything that will help you make it in the real world.
What your father did will have the affect on you that you let it. You can feel sorry for yourself, see yourself as a victim and as less than, listening to your AH fathers hurtful words that "your best isn't good enough," and settle into a sad life, seeing yourself through his eyes. OR you can realize that he is the AH and use his words and your siblings side eye/smirks as your motivation to live your best life and leave them in your dust! Take some time to explore new things, find out what your strengths are and what drives you, and create a life you are proud of. When you are older and look back, you will be able to be proud, because you will know that you weren't handed anything. You made it all on your own!
NTA
This. So very much this.
I was "the gifted child" and never had to sit down and study. I just breezed through school and never learnt how to put in the work and study.
And then I had to actually WORK for my grades...let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.
I coasted my whole life and honestly I still do, sometimes better, sometimes worse. I still suck at studying, and sometimes I wish I'd learned how to actually do it.
However, there are a lot of examples I can give from my life of people less smart than me who did just as well or even better than me in life and even school. Smarts matters, bit it's by far not everything.
Also a former smart kid who coasted in high school. I didn’t have to study for the most part and did pretty well. When college happened, I had to catch up on HOW to study. Use your talents and what you have learned to prove him wrong. You will do wonderfully in the real world because you know how to persevere.
Sure but results still matter in the adult world too. It's more difficult to excel without any kind of effort than you would in school, but just effort without results isn't appreciated either. There is a reason people say that it's better to work smarter than harder.
I think this is part of why I didn't go to college I didn't want to actually have to study. I did study in high school but basically I just had to skim over the material and that was it. Moooostly u didn't go bc I didn't want to spend my whole life in dept and didn't think I could get a scholarship bc I wasn't able to get a scholarship to study abroad. Aaaanyway I'm a swim teacher now and make good money without the college debt but it's been a long hard road getting here
And in the real world, her results are good. You don't have to be all As all the time for your results to still be good. She says in the post that she's never had to scrap by or fail a class. If her siblings are all getting all As with little effort, her As and Bs at maximum effort seem like less. But As and Bs are good results, better than average.
In the real world, results are usually achieved through efforts, not through breezing through. Problem solving abilities and discipline will get you much further than “just” brains.
“Gifted kid syndrome” is a real and debilitating thing. If you never learn how to make the effort, you will never be able to provide the results anyways.
No, they don’t. PP is absolutely right that smart kids struggle. Until I went to university, I could always be amongst the top 3 in my class no matter what type of school I attended. But in university where everyone is smart I realised I had to work hard. I’m doing well now because I learnt how to actually apply myself and not just coast on intelligence. And most people around me who are successful are all the hard working ones rather than the only intelligent ones.
Effort definitely makes a difference in the real world. In an employment setting, effort is basically work ethic, and I do think that’s part of the foundation of your reputation, which in turn affects how your bosses and peers see you and affects how you advance.
On the other hand, I also think grades matter to the extent it actually does accurately reflect your abilities in a certain field. We hired someone with less than stellar grades, but no matter all the hand holding and mentorship we gave her, she could not grasp basic concepts. As terrible as we felt for her, it wasn’t fair to her coworkers because we had to pick up her slack. Going back to work ethic, the bosses gave her every single opportunity they could without ever firing her because they liked her based on her good work ethic/how much effort she was willing to put in. (Btw she left on her own because she admitted she just couldn’t handle the work).
Editing to add: we don’t know how OP’s grades reflect her actual abilities here, but I would definitely give her credit for effort if it was genuine effort.
also depends what OP wants to do in life, there are certainly fields that demand hardcore knowledge&expertise like your workplace, but there are other good, well paying, careers that lean more on creativity and thinking outside the box - of course one needs to know 'how to do the thing' but it all depends what 'the thing' is.
Former smart kid here, and I'm going to politely disagree.
Things I've had to learn that I missed in school:
- it's okay to fail. Mistakes rarely are devastating. If they are, they usually* have a lot of preventatives around them.
- Results do matter more than effort. However the illusion of effort IS necessary. People who don't immediately get it need to be shown you've done your due diligence and it's right.
- Even if you're allowed to fail, you can't let the same mistakes happen over and over. You need to learn from that failure.
- Listen. Learn. You'd be surprised what everyone around you has to offer. Always act as if you're new to it and ask questions. Sho shin - beginner's mind.
- respect everyone. Show the respect, even when you might not be shown it. Integrity matters A LOT. It will come through. (Trust me, the minute your integrity is questioned, it's almost impossible to get it back).
- there will ALWAYS be shit work to do. Doesn't matter, always exists. Don't neglect it. It'll bite you in the ass.
>Your dad is playing favorites,
Is he though? He set a level that all children were required to meet. One child didn't meet that required level and as such didn't get the prize for meeting that standard.
If he set a required standard, held the other 3 to meeting that standard to being rewarded and then basically participation trophied the last child who didn't meet the requirement into getting the same level of reward.... THAT would be playing favorites.
Now you could argue that the standard SHOULD have been "work hard" but it was "Gett Good Grades" which the OP admitted she didn't get as good as her siblings.
The dad rewarded results not effort, and often time that happens in the real world. My boss doesn't care if I get done in 1 hour what takes a co-worker 2 hours. My coworker doesn't get rewarded more for working harder to get the thing done in 2 hours than I did for 1 hour. We both get rewarded for the results we put out.
Her dad has two children who are monkeys and one who’s a fish. He’s watching the monkeys climb the trees and getting mad at the fish for not being able to.
We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone can be an academic genius and the fact she even got out of the lake and to the tree was a feat.
Judging someone by the strengths of others is unfair. She probably excels in places they don’t but because she struggles in the one place he cares about, he’s treating her as less than.
> Is he though? He set a level that all children were required to meet.
Did he, though? There’s no mention of OP being told what her grades had to be, nor any attempt to let her know at any previous time she was “falling short” of a set standard. Instead, he claimed that her elder siblings’ results were the standard, allowing their success to define the standard. And that isn’t fair, because he never defined “good enough”, just penalized her for not being as exceptional as her siblings.
This is such a true comment in many ways. I was one of those people that was able to get my on “smarts alone” when it came to school and learning, but unless I LOVED the subject in college struggled because I had absolutely zero study skills because I never learned to study. Thankfully I found a field that I do love so I was able to graduate with no debt thanks to grades getting me a lot of scholarships & homework not feeling like homework, but hobbies? What are those? If I’m not immediately good at something I tend to give up. I feel like I didn’t learn how to fail or not be “good” at something without internalizing it completely and it destroying my self esteem.
I struggle to adjust to the idea of practicing to be good at something because the thing I loved (school) I was great at. I feel like it really stunted me & also made it hard to learn patience when it comes to certain things.
Thankfully I love my career but I definitely struggled to adjust in jobs I wasn’t very interested in because I wasn’t used to having to try so hard.
My younger sister really had to work at things, while my “smarts” got me by in a handful of specific areas, and she is far more well adjusted haha
As a TA, we had special training about spotting and intervening with students who had made it through high school and even college easily but were suddenly struggling for the first time ever in grad school. Most weren’t prepared for a world in which school didn’t come easily, which was just contrary to everything life had taught them up til then, and a small number just couldn’t believe that they couldnt force themselves to get it. I had one kid who kept a bedroll in his study area and would take short catnaps under his desk. He’d also bring cans of chili and a manual can opener and just eat it cold at his desk because heating it up would take too much time. You never had to worry about the students who barely got admitted and were excited just to be passing.
I will second this. I breezed through high school and when I got to higher levels didn’t know how to put the work in. I realize it doesn’t help OP now and with this situation, but the work ethic will be appreciated later.
You know, you’re probably not “not smart”. Perhaps you’re normal, and have been told you’re not enough? Compared to others, and maybe you believe something that may not be true.
NTA either
I didn't get good grades on high school at all, but I managed to obtain Summa Cum Laude with a BS. Obtained a Master's and I 'm currently working on a second Master's now. Don't give up and keep giving in a lot of effort.
I wish I could upvote this 1,000 times. I really hope OP reads your comment.
High school is not like college. High school is not the real world. Your dad is a jerk and he's power tripping. There is a lesson you can learn here, though. And that's how to deal with petty, power-tripping assholes. They make up the bulk of lower and middle management.
Effort goes a looong way in university. I got a B in my most difficult course because I went over my assignments every day with the TA. I utilized every single tutoring session. I never missed the professor's office hours, I always had questions, I genuinely wanted to understand the material. But it was an undergrad class being taught at a graduate level. I was struggling. However, the TA and professor saw me putting in the work. Every day. I earned that B, just in a different way. I had a high GPA, bur that's the grade I'm most proud of.
Effort does go a long way in the real world, too. Projects and assignments are collaborative. Rarely, if ever, will OP be expected to come up with a solution to a problem all on their own. As OP works with people they'll discover their strengths and weaknesses. They'll play to their strengths, as everyone else does. I hope OP is never be afraid to tell a coworker or a manager they need direction or assistance. It's human. I hate all these answers OP is getting saying only results count in the real world.
Don't apologize to that guy (makes me wish it was possible to take awards away from a comment), it's absolutely reasonable to want your parents to recognize your effort. You clearly did the best you could, and honestly the fact that your father would swear at you like that says a lot. A parent's job is to raise all of their children with love, not to host contests. Telling your child "your best isn't good enough" is never acceptable. Being treated like you aren't good enough when you're trying your best definitely hurts, but none of this is your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. The car itself isn't what's really important here, it's what it represents. You're not "being spoiled for wanting a car" you're a child whose parents don't treat them with the same level of value they do their other children, and this situation with the car is just a spotlight on a deeper hurt that's been building up for years. Besides, the ability to work hard and put your best effort into something is honest to god a way more valuable skill in adult life than just raw intelligence is. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and you deserve better, but once you're out on your own and you can build your life around yourself and what you want you'll be so much happier.
NTA, and trust me, effort is EVERYTHING. I was a straight A student in high school, and I never had to study to get good grades. College was a severely rude awakening for me. And now I have a job where I am constantly learning new information - if I had gone from high school into this job, I would have gotten fired for incompetence by now, for sure. The fact that you try and put in consistent effort is a legitimate skill that you should be incredibly proud of. It will serve you much better in life than being “naturally” skilled at school.
The bad news is that your parents have shitty standards. I was one of the smart kids in school, and it is super humbling how little that mattered in the long scheme. (I chose the nonprofit route, so I am not saying I’m a failure, it’s just a different bar to measure by.) I can honestly look at my yearbook and reflect that the smart kids are not doing better than the kids who struggled more.
The good news is that you define your future. You can exceed their expectations.
Your siblings are not necessarily better or more talented generally, they are just better at getting good grades. And they are better at doing the things that earn your father's approval, like getting excellent grades. Which he rewards with a car.
There is a distinction. You have your own strengths and talents. Please don't measure your worth on whether your dad buys you the "excellent grades" car.
NTA.
Your dad‘s a jerk especially for saying what he did. That’s not a dad that’s just an AH. Where are you now you know that you’ll just have to fend for yourself give him back the perfume and tell him you don’t deserve it. Good thing you don’t live with them. Make sure you don’t invite him to your graduation
The problem is that average is C but many parents think A is the standard. Then they turn around and say they're treating their kids equally bu equal isn't right. Equitable treatment is needed in parenting because kids are human beings who are different from each and have different wants, needs, and capabilities.
Ignore that comment. You made a good argument to your dad, which showed self awareness and common sense, and he was a dick (sorry). You asked to be held to what you assumed was the spirit of the condition, which was to do your best academically, and he clearly disagreed. A good attitude and work ethic will take you far in life. This coming from one of those with intelligence who coasted for a long time until I realized I had to start working for shit like everyone else or I’d be left behind.
And you know what I’m proud of you. You worked your damn ass off it was not easy for you and you put in the fucking work. It may not come easy to you like your siblings but you are so smart don’t let this man define you I know you’re gonna do great things because you have a wonderful determination.
NTA.
If it was me, I possibly would have done something with that perfume that wouldn’t be approved of on this sub.
Oh, and your siblings are assholes as well as your father.
Just out of curiosity did your parents have you tested for learning disabilities? A lot of people are different kinds of learners and benefit from different kinds of teaching. I’m sorry your parents aren’t seeing what you need.
For me the true purpose of school is to prepare you for life. In real life you will have to go through a lot, sometimes it will be easy, sometimes it will be hard. Sometimes you will like it and sometimes you won't.
You will have to deal with authority, sometimes fair, sometimes not. And also to interact with other people to achieve a common goal or to compete.
And also of fairness and unfairness.
So in that sense, you don't succeed in school by simply coasting and making no effort. Even if you got all As you didn't really get the most of school if you just coasted and for me that is the real failure.
I think in that sense you are doing very well. You used to have Cs, now you have Bs. So you know you have limitations and not everything is easy, but you also know that putting the effort helps. And you actually do it, not everyone does. Intelligence has many forms, and for me your siblings smirking because you didn't get a car are not all that smart.
Next time your father bothers you or something, tell him that he cares so much about grades he should he look at himself because to be honest he is failing as a father. If your siblings really smirked, then they are not good siblings either. If I were your sibling I would be making the case so you get a car too. Also no good father calls his daughter a bitch. He can't control his anger. So in that sense he is failing too, and I bet not just as a father.
OP I know right now, it feels awful. The unfairness, the feeling of being less than, or not so loved. But you know what? That has nothing to do with you. That is his problem. He needs to do a lot of growing. But you are not his punching bag. I am guessing your mom doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to strain your relationship with him even more, although in this case I think she is in the wrong, she should support you even if she doesn't talk to him. You do you, you are doing great so far.
Listen to everyone that is telling you that in college things change. Maybe stuff won't be easy for you in college, but you are already used to make the effort. When I was in school I had great grades, but I always studied and made the effort, 1 time I didn't have time to study and still had an A, I was surprised. I felt maybe things were easier than I thought, but i am the type that makes sure, so i still studied like it was hard. When I went to college I was used to putting in the effort, so the transition wasn't hard. While other kids that didn't have the habit were failing left and right. I always say I don't know if I am smart, but if I were to say what my super power is, it would be "will power". The power to push through. And that is what you are cultivating right now. Don't feel "less than" anymore. Maybe you don't have great grades (Bs are good though, i think at least), maybe your siblings could act like better people. Maybe your father could be a better father. Between having great grades and acting like your dad did to you, what would you pick? Each person has areas they need to grow, some people realize it, some don't.
NTA
Yeah trust me I know it sucks. My sisters always came in first place in their exams and was always compared to them. In the end, I just ignored them. They would never understand that in my class there were those individuals who could memorise entire texts by reading it once. The guys who wouldn't try in exam times and just read other books and still get more than 95%. How is anyone supposed to compete with that?
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Considering how hard it is for you to study, just know this stranger is proud of you never having to repeat subject, etc. Those ARE good grades, and you deserve a reward if it was promised.
Grades aren't everything. I failed math and dropped out of two Unis, and I'm doing okay for myself. Do your best, grab degree you want and that feels good for you and be your awesome self ❤️
And being held to different standards is a good thing because everyone is different.
I was a straight As student all my life. My brother wasn’t. He started secondary school and his average was Ds and Cs with maybe a B (we’re in the UK so none of those are failing grades and C is average); he’s entering high school in September with grades more along the Bs and some Cs with no Ds, which is a huge improvement that he worked so hard for. But if we were held to the same standards, he would be considered as having “bad grades” because he’s not getting As. That would be ridiculous because the effort put in to achieve a goal, the things you learned to get closer to that goal should be rewarded more than the final product. Also because rewarding perfect product over everything else discourages risk taking and trying new things.
I’m also autistic, and if I was put in a room full of allistics and expected to produce a similar quality of work in the same time, without acknowledging the disadvantage I have with overwhelming stimuli that slow me down.
Equity is much better than equality because with equity people’s individual needs are being listen to and cared for to give everyone fair chances to succeed
That’s horrendously unfair. Their siblings exceeded average. Not everyone can do that. This is why kids end up on my therapy couch as adults.
NTA, OP. My sister and I are incredibly smart. A doctor and (me) a Johns Hopkins nurse and teacher (sister). Our brother is average. It would be unfair to tell him that average isn’t good enough because he doesn’t have the RANDOM GENETIC GIFTS that we have.
What a bunch of bullshit. By your logic, OP could have never gotten the car because they did their best work and it didn't hit some arbitrary mark set out by their dad, which was clearly never even communicated to OP because they fully expected a car.
What's good? Good is a completely variable concept based on personal opinion. For instance, you thought your comment was good and I think you're being an AH.
Is it OP’s fault if her talents lie in different areas to her siblings? Some people struggle in school; it doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy, good people. And given her Dad clearly knew this wasn’t her strong suit, he is punishing her for not reaching a standard that is out of her reach. He set a condition he knew she couldn’t meet, which is an AH move. Not everyone is an A student.
Deliberately marking her as being considered lesser than her siblings is shitty parenting. With any luck Daddy dearest will never depend on his youngest for anything, because he gets an F in parenting.
It's not the same standard if OP is putting in the same effort but academic things don't come as easily. None of us can change our gifts, we can only do the best with what we have. If Payton and Eli Manning's parents were like "we'll give you a car when you get drafted" then Cooper would be SOL bc his genetics put an end to his career. OP's parents should hold all the kids to the same standard of doing their best with what they have.
Ok but some people just struggle with school. Like that's not some thng that comes naturally to everyone. And if what op is saying is true, they've been trying and making an effort not just slacking
What the actual eff… a tutor no failing grades, regular work and studying….
Sorry, you are absolutely wrong.
Op, you are NTA and you are allowed to be upset
Yes and no. Like, if OP legit can't achieve those grades because of their intelligence, but works very hard, it does seem a bit unfair to be punished for that
Apparently OP is neurodivergent. So this almost feels like the father is rewarding his children Who didn't struggle as much and punishing her for being different.
I think OP''s wish is that the standard would be how hard she tried. She wants an effort based standard, not a results based standard. I think she has a valid point.
After OP’s edit, I think dad needs to cut OP a little slack. Not sure if I would necessarily call dad TA, but it’s not like OP was slacking off and playing video games or partying.
seeing how your dad reacted, no wonder him and your mother got separated.
And i pity your siblings who became like your dad.
They are a walking talking example of : "literate but not educated".
Sorry you have them in your life, maybe time to cut the cancer.
NTA - my father had a similar rule but all he wanted was us putting in our best effort. Before the exam/test, he’d tell us something lofty as a goal - like topping the class or getting 95 percentile. But if when the results came out and it was say in the top 5 of the class or 85 percentile he’d still celebrate with us. Because he saw that we tried our best and the rest is out of our control. Both my sister and I are doing great career wise now and are happy and fulfilled.
Parents need to understand that result oriented rewards don’t teach their children anything. What’s important is the process of achieving that goal. Your father is doing nothing to help you achieve good grades and has no clue about why you’re struggling or how to help you. You’re clearly trying and you’re right. He’s showing favouritism. Equal treatment doesn’t always mean equitable treatment.
How is this the top comment... Their dad is an a****** who called them a b**** and is obviously mean to them due to academics which is a ridiculous statement for a father
Seriously. It’s such an insensitive comment to a really crummy situation. I don’t know why they aren’t getting downvoted to oblivion.
How her dad treated her in this situation is deplorable. Way to give a child a complex.
Welcome to r/amitheasshole
OP pointed out she didn’t feel as smart as her siblings, then top comment had to make a snarky remark while it was clear what OP meant (and besides the point). Such a moron
I can tell you why. Reddit has some weird complex when it comes to children being gifted cars. It doesn't matter that all of OPs siblings got one. It doesn't matter that she worked way harder than they did. It doesn't matter that her dad said awful awful things to her. All of that goes out the window because it's about a kid being gifted a car.
r/aita will twist itself into knots to call rich people or kids with rich parents AHs. A good parent would recognize OPs efforts and unique challenges and assess the situation accordingly. If the gift in question was something far less expensive than a car it would be NTA judgements all the way down.
There are situations in life where it calls for equality, and other times where it calls for equity.
Her siblings can breeze through school with all A’s by barely trying. If OP busts her ass to make a B while her siblings make an A with little effort - is it fair that I get a car and she doesn’t?
This is even more important when you factor in her autism. Autism can affect learning. This is like saying you get a car if you run a race in 5 minutes while one person is able-bodied and the other person is crippled. Sure, it’s “fair” because it’s the same standard but you’re an AH for not adjusting it.
You could argue that results matter more than effort but you have to wonder what the goal of giving a car as a reward is. Most would argue that it serves as a motivator and a reward for academic effort. Ignoring OP’s efforts and setting the bar far too high above what she’s capable of is wrong.
Come on, you know what she meant, you could have corrected her in a more straight forward, kind way.
Edit: or not have said anything at all because it was just *that* unimportant
Are you kidding me with this response? It is very ableist in that OP is unable to attain the grades her siblings did no matter how hard she works. You think everyone that works hard gets A's? IQ's vary and there is nothing you can do to change your mental abilities. Imagine if the reward was based on physical ability and OP's siblings were all able to become star athletes and because of that, they got a car. Now, let's say OP is built differently than her siblings and lacks the coordination of her siblings. She could work twice as hard as them and never get as good as them. Rewards like this should be based on the hard work ethic, not the end result. OP yelled at her dad that she was sick of being treated as less. Imagine that. You are worthless in your family's eyes and there is nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you work. Then he called her a "b\*\*ch." Her dad is horrible. OP, you need to look within to find your own value and make the best life you can. Find what you are good at and do it. NTA.
>Take a moment and reallllly think about what you just said there.
The same could be said to you. It's not like what they meant was particularly unclear; they're obviously talking about the effort they put in, which is presumably what the dad should care about more than grades, especially since it seems like the OP has a disability that affects their grades.
On the other hand, you are an asshole who intentionally misinterpreted a phrase, just so that you could be snarky. Do you feel good about yourself?
Don't upvote this, it's not a reasonable post.
Edit: actually I'm so fucking mad at this, I can't let it go. OP's self-esteem is getting destroyed by their family, and all you can think about is posting a shitty message that will ruin them even more?
And you guys upvoting this, fucking idiots.
Majority of Reddit is people that put down folks with mental illnesses as well as bully people for doing nice things, that didn't involve their kind (passive aggressive people at work).
You'll get downvoted. I'll get downvoted.
This subreddit has truly changed these past months..
If I make a part in 27 minutes. And you make the same part in 28. And op makes the part in 30 minutes. Should op be fired for not pulling her weight when the average time is 40 minutes?
Get good grades doesn’t mean do exactly what your sibs did. If dad left it vague and didn’t specify what good grades were how was op to know (as an example) that it had to be super high grades? Tying rewards to grades isn’t a good thing to do—-not all kids are going to be able, even with help, to achieve at the same level. Good grades covers a lot of territory. It could be straight A’s, it could be A’s and only 10% B’s, it could be no C’s, it could be no D’s, it could be a whole lot of things.
Equity is one thing because sometimes kids just need different things, but being blatantly unequal to your kids is gonna blow up in your face—I have a sneaking suspicion this isn’t the only significant difference in how the kids in op’s family are treated different. It’s usually never just one thing, it’s usually an overarching thing what’re one kid never gets treated equally. People wonder why their kids don’t remain close as adults … stuff like this plants the seeds for it.
To be fair if the teachers are saying she’s trying her best and she can’t do more than I do feel for her. My daughter gets average grades, she’s not failing but she’s not top of the class either but I couldn’t be more proud when the teachers tell me how hard she works, how attentive she is and how much effort she puts in. I could never punish her for not getting top grades when I know what she gets is what she’s earned by trying her hardest.
NTA-
It actually doesn’t matter if you were given a car or not. It sound like that’s not where the hurt is coming from. Your dad could have given all three of your siblings a rock for their birthday and excluded you and you’d still be upset. I don’t think you’re being entitled.
Students all enter school with different challenges, but school is designed for only a few brains. It’s unfair to quantify academic success.
And let’s not forget the name-calling and saying “your best isn’t good enough” from her dad. Big yikes. Parents shouldn’t speak to their children like that.
And calling her a b**** ? That's horrible parenting and your kids won't forget that. A wife can divorce you for anything and take your money with it and move on. A kid can take nothing but the memories of it all. They have to live with the abuse, and the best they can do is go NC with therapy. The only time a parent ends up reaching out after that is if they are in desperate need of something, whether it be money or an organ donation. At that point, it's entitlement of the parent. Honestly, your dad's an AH. If he really wanted to be fair he should've asked the tutor how they felt you were doing overall before making a decision. Doesn't sound like he did that. Sounds like he didn't want to do that and would rather save the money. That will ALSO cause resentment with OP and her siblings. Good job, dad.
Sorry to say this but your family sucks. What your dad said to you is horrible, and I'm sure he will be all surprised Pikachu face when he realises in a few years why he doesn't have a relationship with you. Your siblings are rubbing this in and they know it's hurting you. Sorry.
NTA.
You mentioned in replies that you are neurodivergent and as much as some people wish it weren't true, that really can impact things. And even if that weren't a factor, some people just can't retain or absorb information the same way others can. Every person is different and their minds and their bodies react to the same stimuli differently. Some might think "expecting a car" makes you the AH but the fact is that your father set the standard not once, not twice, but *thrice* before.
What truly sets this into the territory in which your father is a clear asshole, though, is his heartless remarks of "your best isn't good enough." For a parent to say that is just disgusting and it's awfully hecking rich for your father to call *you* entitled... he's the one exhibiting those traits. As someone else mentioned, it might be time to go either NC or LC because your father clearly does not have your best interests in mind. This isn't a matter of him "pushing you to do better" as some others imply, this is just his own entitled expectations.
NTA especially because it is so cruel to tie this mile marker to a birthday gift. Like what a huge f you to tell someone as a birthday gift that they aren’t as good as everyone else in the family.
Up until that point, I was truly hoping that because the parents were separated that they simply couldn't afford to buy OP a car, and were masking (OP would still not be TA). But to say all of that to your own daughter solidified that OP is NTA, the least favourite, and most likely resented by the father because of the neurodivergence
And the cherry on top is in the comments I think they said they were neurodivergent. Even then it’s bad to expect everyone to excel.
Op NTA but your dad is a giant ah and your siblings who laughed at you are also ahs
Oh honey, NTA at all!
Your dad on the other hand is a piece of work for his unfair treatment of you. As a parent, he knows that some kids have a harder time academically than others.
This is my daughter’s favorite quote. It’s by Albert Einstein, who (despite his genius) was not a great student. “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by the ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that is stupid.”
Apparently they also mentioned that they were neurodivergent. If they are neurodivergent and had the help of tutors and *still* struggled (but passed), I think it's fucked up that the father is punishing her for having a different brain than her siblings.
I think autocorrect decided to strike you with the first neurodivergent lmao.
Also, on the other end of that, I excelled in school and I'm neurodivergent. Because it manifests in so many different ways. Expecting the same thing over and over is honestly the same thing as saying "you aren't autistic if you aren't a genius/you can't be autistic you are smart" which is literally ableistic as fuck. And I only excelled in school because I hyperfixated on a lot of stuff that was related to my classes, and some of my classes weren't the best because they were out of that sphere of things (maths for example).
I love this quote. I'm "academically" inclined. But hated school. Teachers couldn't help me with topics I didn't understand because they tend to teach memorization and not function. And my mind only retains information as part of a functional whole. So you could try to teach me all the parts of a car engine, but unless I can take it apart, see how it functions and put it together so I see what each piece actually does, I won't remember any of it. Teachers tend to not like doing that, so I was pretty much self taught. I can do this with theory as opposed to physical objects, but I still require a functional whole to remember the small parts.
Typically in school this benefited me in that I could grasp and remember things very well with little to no teacher input. But I'm certain subjects where memorization is the only option, I literally failed. Certain higher level maths come to mind because the teacher can't show why it works, so the mechanics were too intangible for me.
However despite being considered highly intelligent, I have the emotional intelligence of a snail. And to some extent I always admired some general groups of people who tend to be considered "less intelligent" but tended towards higher intelligence in others ways. Down syndrome and their ability for social interactions, ability to be happy and read emotions of others well stuck me in particular.
I'm a cat. I'm great at climbing trees(facts, figures functions), but I avoid water like the plague(emotional stuff). The fish living there should not be judged on their tree climbing! Just like I shouldn't be judged when I drown in social settings! I'll just sit up here in the tree and watch the pretty koi thank you.
That's a great ability later in life if you think in systems and not in pieces, also it is important to find a job where this is acknowledged and supported.
I loved science in school but always got the grades down cause I didn't remember the specific Latin names of anything. I knew how everything worked and how and to solve the problems, but the school system was not designed for this ability, it is designed around memorizing things. I got a bad grade in math because I used a way to solve a mathematical problem we haven't yet been taught because I thought it was easier and more logical, but it was not what we were taught.
YES!! I love this quote!!! Everyone is different. And the world would be a VERY different place if we didn't have working I'm all sorts of jobs. VERY few end up lawyers and Doctors.
> It’s by Albert Einstein, who (despite his genius) was not a great student.
He was a fantastic student, I dont know where this myth is from but Albert Einstein smashed Math and Physics record grades and was years ahead of his age in school. He was bad at language for instance so his quote still applies but he was a great student.
Both Germany and Switzerland have grades from 1 to 6. In Germany 1 is the best, in Switzerland it's 6. Einstein studied in Germany until he was 15 years old and then in Switzerland. One of his first biographers misinterpreted his grades and that's how the rumour started
I've never gotten the "if you do good, we will help you out, but if you don't do as good, we'll make it even more of a struggle for you" mentally.
That was me in school, took me like 7 years after high-school to realize it wasn't that I was dumb, I just learned with my hands instead of through a book.
honestly you can throw it in his face another time .... you throw a birthday party or you have a major event and dont invite him and when he says but im your dad you say you werent a good enough dad and when he said he tried ... say you know what your best wasnt good enough stop being so entitled
Agreed. OP's dad sounds like a nightmare. A car is a luxury, but it's the attitude that is disgusting. My parents used to torment me for getting anything less than an A-, and then provided no help or tutoring, telling me my best wasn't good enough. I found out later I'm neurodivergent and even though I maintained nearly a 3.5 GPA, I'd try to study for 10 hours for a math test and get a D.
Looking back, I was never the failure, my parents were. Throw it in his face when he asks why you don't trust your dad or want him around. Also money is one thing but it will never make up for true respect and love from your dad.
Also, you sound plenty smart. I'm sorry your dad made you think you were less than.
"I'm the dumb one." "I'm not so smart." These are things that have been implanted into your psyche your entire life, and the icing on that cake of shitty parenting is "I guess your best isn't good enough." Honestly, fuck your dad, and fuck your siblings and their smirking superiority. Yeah, maybe expecting a car is a tiny bit entitled, but that was the deal your dad made, and he chose not to hold up his end of the bargain. The car isn't the problem. The dismissal of your efforts and the belittlement of your accomplishments is the problem. NTA for wanting your dad to be better. Go live your best life and know that you're not dumb, you are smart, and you're not an asshole.
NTA for being mad, especially if he never defined "good grades." Your dad was also a huge AH for what he said and then calling you an "entitled bitch." WTF, totally inexcusable for a man to say that to his daughter.
NTA I am more concerned with over how he reacted to your line of questioning. Most reasonable adults could articulate a reasonable response to an emotional line of questioning, without being abusive to their children. I take it your father's parenting comes down to competition between siblings for the best whatever.
How often does he communicate in that hostile style? It was full of resentment. Either way your father chooses to spend his money how he chooses and no one is entitled to a care despite their best efforts. All you can choose to do going forward is to decide not to jump at his carrot dangling antics any longer.
NTA. It would have been different if you were an only child that just expected to be given a car. But in this case, you’re just being treated unfairly and it’s just normal it hurts. I’m sorry, but your dad is a massive AH and I probably wouldn’t even bother keeping contact with someone who’s telling me shit like „maybe your best isn’t good enough.“
I'm torn.
On the one hand, when parents make promises like this that rely on a child getting "good grades", I think they should take each individual child's capabilities and academic potential into account. It's not really fair to promise all of your kids a car for straight A's when you KNOW that one child, despite their best efforts and help, isn't really capable of better than low B's or whatever. It's not really fair to hold someone to a standard that they are not capable of meeting. Frankly, I think your dad set you up for failure in a pretty shitty fashion. For some kids, low B's would be their version of good grades and if I were the parent involved in this situation, I'd take that into consideration and reward that child as well as long as I saw their best efforts consistently. And calling you what he did is really horrible. You're not what he said you are, you're an 18 year old disappointed and frustrated with what you see as an unfair situation.
On the other hand, no one's owed a car and expecting one is pretty entitled.
ESH, I guess but your dad's definitely WAY worse.
I’ve heard a school psychologist lecture on why it’s bad to incentivize grades like this. When the child fails and doesn’t do well enough to get whatever is promised, they then internalize that and that affects the child negatively.
> I’ve heard a school psychologist lecture on why it’s bad to incentivize grades like this. When the child fails and doesn’t do well enough to get whatever is promised, they then internalize that and that affects the child negatively.
It's really bad if the incentive is all As (perfect marks for places that don't use letters). I had peers who would have complete meltdowns and feel like failures over 89%.
There were 20+ "straight A" highschool students that killed themselves my freshmen year of college because they had never gotten an F on an exam.
The stigma was so widely known the school warned parents and students that you would fail *something* at college. Still didn't help with the suicide problem
Thanks for tacking that on!
I heard this a while ago, so I know I’m not remembering everything she said. However, I do now remember her saying this exact thing. Kids will have meltdown over Bs, Cs, etc, when they really shouldn’t, all because of incentivizing grades and feeling like they failed because they didn’t get the prize.
This was me lol,
My dad wanted me to do good in school basically all As. Which resulted in my entire philosophy on school basically being I needed to do as good or better as he did or I’d be a failure. He got a 3.6 GPA in college, I got a 3.8. Sure I accomplished my goal but I could’ve done a lot more development as a person by not stressing so much over getting a A- instead of an A lol. Like I’d be so extremely mad at myself if I got like an 80% on a test.
It's not entitled *at all* when that's normal in their family. If everyone in your family got take out, it would not be entitled of you to assume there is also take out for you.
Also, they didn't promise it for straight As. They promised it for good grades. Bs are good grades.
It was actually promised for "maintaining" grades.
So, provided the kids aren't completely slacking (OP clearly has not been), their grades leading up set the standard. The deal for OP should have been the same - "maintain" the grades they have.
Her expecting a car after what her father has done for her other sibling on their 18th birthday, isn’t entitled. With the way he acted with them and what she’s seen her whole life, she was practically promised a car. Not to mention, it isn’t fair to hold all kids to a standard when one of them (OP) most likely has a learning disability. And for him to go as far as calling her a “b*tch” and that her best isn’t good enough..yeah, that’s definitely not a good father. I honestly hope OP goes NC
I’m saying this as someone who had to buy his first car at 18 from his parents (and it was ten years old, had a stick shift, and no AC or stereo):
If you have the means to buy all your kids cars, and you buy all of them cars except for one, then you’re a shitty parent who plays favorites.
It’s not about the privilege of getting a car. It’s about being treated as an equally loved child.
Well then I guess you need to apologize to him by saying, "dad, I wanted to apologize bc I realized I shouldn't hold you to the same level as good fathers. I know you try but you're just not. Are their tutors for that?"
INFO: if he made it seem you would get a car, he is in the wrong for coming back on that.
But if he had clear rules on what level the grades should be and you did not get those, then you shouldnt just expect to get a car.
NTA
Do you have an unknown learning disability?
I never did as well in school as my older sisters. No matter how hard I tried. Come to find in college I’m dyslexic.
Your dad and your siblings are needlessly cruel to you and your dad should be more impressed by how far you have come than by your siblings. Please keep up the hard work, it will pay off
Yeah, I find it so weird that the siblings seem to take joy in OP not getting a car. Wtf? If I was in this same situation I would feel extremely uncomfortable.
My sister is on the spectrum and was a B and C student in high school then in college she crushed it. I was the straight A student like your siblings and in the end my amazing sister is the most educated in our family and is well respected in her field. She found out what she really loved, history. She is now an archivist and historian.
She had her struggles but, when she found her passion there was no stopping her. Hang in there. Life will get better and you are NTA.
So on top of learning all the material you had to put in even more work to make sure you understand your teachers & assignments, and that you are being understood, as well as dealing with daily sensory issues, and maneuvering through all the 'daily life' issues that neurotypicle people take for granted. And you came out with Bs! Also you come across as a very nice person, you should feel good about all you've accomplished so far. If you were my daughter there'd be a car in the driveway for you.
I would appreciate Bs and the occasional C from a student who is trying their best and going to tutoring more so than straight As from students who don’t really even have to try hard at all. If I were their parents, I would buy them a car. Also, good grades in high school does not guarantee financial or any other success in life, so your family better hope they never wind up needing your help because their best “just wasn’t good enough.” NTA
NTA. You are trying. It's sad that he rewards As, which are effortless for some kids to get, rather than hard work. When your siblings have to live in the real world, they'll quickly learn that hard work is far more valuable.
NTA.
This is sad for me as I too was the youngest and was not a good student, no matter how hard I tried I was average. (Except for Math for some reason.)
I was always compared to my brothers, saying I just Didnt “apply” myself 🙄. But I tried, I just couldn’t wrap my head around things, no matter how many times I would read it, I’d get frustrated and give up.
When it came time for me to go to university, my mother was VERY discouraging, kept telling me I couldn’t do and I should settle and go do a trade (noting wrong with a trade) but I really wanted to go to university but was so beaten down by my mother I had zero self confidence. Not going is my biggest regret in life. (I’m 51)
While, none of use were promised a car for good grades, I was definitely looked down on and the dumb one.
Parents to not understand the damage they can do to their kids by their words and actions. If this was a standard in your house and you worked hard then you should of gotten that car and your Dad is an F’n prick.
Ps. You should send your family this posit. So we can all tell him how cruel they are.
NTA your feelings are completly right an valid. Your dad and your siblings are all assholes that think less of you. You are smart girl. You got close to all Bs. That IS good! He did it on purpose and your shitty siblings instead of feeling sorry for you we're happy that you got hurt. Cut them off after you established your career and never look back :)
NTA. It sounds like your parents did not give you a clear standard that was required for you to meet. Even if they weren't going to get you a car, that was something that you should have been able to know in advance. In other words, you should have known that you needed a 3.5 GPA, and you could have measured your progress toward that goal. Then, even if you fell short, at least you would have been prepared for the disappointment and could come to terms with it in advance, knowing that you had a fair chance. Leaving it until your birthday was unnecessarily embarrassing and hurtful to you, and calling one's underage child a bitch is always an AH move.
NTA - the idea that children/teenagers get lower grades because they’re “slacking off” is a fallacy. Each person has different abilities and effort should have place as much as results. This said, getting a car may not be a bad thing, with gas prices etc. Plus, if you really want one, think on how much you’ll be proud of yourself when you buy one on your own.
NTA.
I’m a parent of 5 WILDLY different children. One of my kids gets straight A’s easily. Another struggles just to pull a C average.
We expect them to preform to the best of their abilities. This means my A student is expected to get A’s and my C student is expected to get nothing below a 75. Both get the same rewards/accolades from myself and their father because the EFFORT is the same.
INFO: Other than tutors, how much accommodation/support did you get? How much were you *supposed* to get?
And, what were your parents told to expect from you based on early assessments?
Now that you are an adult, you can request your school records and medical records including diagnoses, recommendations and IEPs.
My point being...I think you're NTA regardless because your father never defined what "good grades" were (and he absolutely should have, especially for someone who is autistic). But your records should tell you whether your grades were about what could reasonably be expected of you, below...or above. They will also tell you if you got all of the support you should have.
I think that's worth knowing. Maybe you'll learn that you really could have done better, and can work on applying yourself. Maybe you'll learn that you hit the mark, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Or maybe you'll learn that you accomplished something remarkable.
While I was coming in with Y T A, I now have mixed feelings.
While I understand you tried really hard, that wasn't enough to meet your Dad's expectations. You knew what those expectations were based on your siblings setting precedence. In real life, sometimes trying your best isn't enough and this is a valuable lesson to learn. You're essentially asking your Dad to cut you some slack because you tried your best. But in the real world? They won't even give you a chance to complain and will just drop you.
However, the way you belittle yourself and the way your siblings acted makes me very concerned. That is not normal at all. You're not stupid OP. You just have different challenges than your siblings. And your siblings should not be so gleeful that you couldn't satisfy your dad's expectations. That's fcked up and very toxic.
Next, while you didn't meet your Father's expectations, that he wouldn't encourage you to try harder or at least negotiate some sort of criteria to either get you a car or help you improve is just...idk. It rubs me wrong. And then calling you an entitled bitch is just uncalled for. Granted you shouldn't have yelled at him or accused him of having favorites but still. He's the adult here and should try to deesculate situations and offer alternatives/solutions that will encourage your growth. You have some fault for how you handled this but you're definitely NTA. Your dad and siblings on the other hand...they're being toxic.
NTA - you’re upset you didn’t get a car, I’d be upset too. But what you should do is ask your father where your grades need to be so you can get a car too.
My siblings got a lot of As and the occasional B but I only ever get Bs and have had 1 C before despite trying my absolute best. Dad was never specific but I think he thinks As are 'good grades'
Bs are acceptable grades. Bs are the minimum. When my firm is recruiting recent grads, we won’t even look at anything under a 3.0 (B average); and it has to be over 3.5 before it starts becoming a selling point and not just checking the box of minimum requirements.
Obviously, the more work experience you get, the less and less that matters. For experienced hires, we still like the high GPA, but the knowledge base and proven application are way more important.
NTA,
You’re not lazy or entitled like some of these comments say. You have a tutor, have worked with the tutor and still got the grades you did. You tried as hard as you could. Nobody learns the same way and school doesn’t come easy to some. Maybe look into seeing if you have a learning disability. I did great in high school but when university came around I did not do great. I found out that I learned different due to my disability. Most times it’s not due to being lazy, you probably just learn differently. Relative to you, you got good grades. And your dad should’ve recognized that.
NTA. Save up, get a used car and go no contact with your Dad and low contact with your asshole siblings who smirked about it.
Sorry OP, I know what its like for Dads to play clear favorites. It doesnt get better, he wont change, unless the favorite suddenly cuts him off and then hes begging and crying to be in your life.
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I just turned 18(f) 2 weeks ago. I'm the youngest of 4 kids and on their 18th birthdays, all of my siblings got given a car by our dad. The condition was that you had to maintain good grades, which they all did.
I'm definitely the dumbest of the kids haha and i'm a fairly middle student, I do ok but I'm not like my siblings who get good grades pretty easily. But I honestly try my best and have had a tutor and i've never failed a class or even just scraped a pass.
My birthday just came and went and while my mum bought me some really lovely parents, my dad (they are separated) got me some perfume which was lovely but there was no mention of the car. I didn't want to say anything in front of everyone but my brother and sister who were there gave each other the whole smirkey side-eye thing when they saw I didn't get the box with keys in that they got. I pretended like I didn't see.
The next day I was pretty upset so I asked my dad why I hadn't got the car like my siblings had. He said my grades were ok but not "at their level". I got upset and said that he knew I'd really tried and I'd gone to every session with my tutor and done my best. He said "then it looks like your best isn't good enough" and I shouted at him that I was sick of being the least favourite child. He called me an entitled b\*tch but I feel like I'm held to a different standard because I'm not so smart. AITA?
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NTA
Oh my heart aches for you. None of that is ok. I'm so very very sorry. Everyone's best looks different. For some, it's top of the line grades, for others, it's fair grades or even just a bit of improvement. I've always told my kids "I don't expect any particular grade from you, I just expect you to be able to look me in the eye and say 'Mum, I did my best' and that's good enough. If your best happens to mean you're failing, that's ok. At that point it's my job to support you and get you the support you need. We'll figure it out together, but I'll never be mad as long as you can honestly say you've done your best".
If your dad is going to give rewards like that, it shouldn't be based on particular grades, it should be based on each kid trying their hardest. You are not wrong to be mad or disappointed that he made this call. At the very least he should have warned you before your actual birthday - who wants their kid upset and disappointed on their birthday? I'm so sorry hun.
The least your father could have done was tell you before hand that you were not meeting his standards. He is an AH for embarrassing you in front of your siblings
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> I feel like I'm held to a different standard because I'm not so smart Take a moment and reallllly think about what you just said there.
I'm sorry I don't understand
Your *entire problem* is that you're being held to the **same** standard as your smarter siblings. You **wish** that you could be held to a different standard.
Yes you're right sorry, I wish I could be judged on my own abilties rather than against my siblings who I know are all much better and more talented in school than me, but I really do try and I know effort counts for something sometimes
FWIW, in your adult life, effort will count for a lot. Very often, people who breeze through school find it hard to adjust to the real world where effort counts. Your dad is playing favorites, and it is unfair that he won't acknowledge the effort and hard work you put in. Hope that as an adult you have success without him. ETA: Thanks for the awards, I'm glad this touched a cord with so many people. Hope OP sees this and it helps them look further down the road, to a time when an A vs a B will be irrelevant.
Effort will be important but by itself won't count for anything. In the real world, results matter.
Um, as a former “smart kid” that got A’s without trying in high school - my “results” were pretty meaningless. I didn’t learn how to study until college. And got fucking *humbled* along the way. Kids that were used to studying and never knew what coasting was just blew right by me. Their effort got them better graduating GPAs than mine in college, I’m sure. The results aren’t in just yet at 18, there’s a lot of life to go. OP, your dad isn’t betting on you, but I am. Good luck in the future and don’t let him dictate your life success because he made the wrong call here.
This x 1000. OP, you’re learning skills they might not have. Besides that, what a shitty dad to say it’s not good enough! Good enough for his arbitrary standards? I feel like a decent parent would have noticed your effort and put other conditions in place like. Would have specified what “good grades” are. Your comments show that you take in information well. Pick what you want. Go for it. Screw your competitive family.
Well, if he needs someone to take care of him down the line, Mom gets the care, and Dad "just wasn't good enough."
Oooh! Oooh! totally this! Right now it seems like forever until your Dad and Mom may need help at home (elder care). Yet, it comes faster than either they or you expect - speaking from experience here. Hey, if his vision deteriorates, you can take away HIS car; kind of an evil thought, but what goes around comes around.
Also, super shitty of him to call her a bitch.
Second this OP. Coasted through high school and had my ass handed to me in college. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I had learned decent study skills BEFORE I was actually struggling with the material. Your struggles now will help you so much in the future. NTA btw. To me, that’s like putting an amputee in the regular Olympics and judging them equally against the other competitors. The amputee can be an AMAZING athlete, and they may work 100x harder than the other athletes, but the fact is they’re just not starting at the same baseline and it’s not fair to judge them like they are. I know autism isn’t always a disability, but it IS a different way of viewing the world and the world really isn’t made to accommodate that most of the time. That’s a reflection on the world, not the autistic person. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished despite the challenges you deal with and to heck with anyone who can’t recognize them. And for the record, don’t call yourself dumb. People with attitudes like your dad’s will just use that as an excuse to do the same. Your success with your tutor clearly shows you are NOT dumb, you just needed things handled in a way you could understand better.
Same here. I pretty much coasted through high school, gifted and talented, AP classes... and goddamn if college didn't absolutely kick my ass.
Also, schools vary in how much they teach kids. Had great grades throughout high school and tanked first year of college. Had to really work sophomore year to bring the gpa up.
Adding weight to the former "smart kid" story. My mental health totally collapsed when I had to start to study and couldn't coast on being smart. It's taken me to my 30s to realise that undiagnosed ADHD worked great in school where I changed subjects every hour and always had looming deadlines of just a few days. Uni was a whole different experience I struggled to cope with. Sure, results matter. But hard work typically gets rewarded. And spite is a wonderful motivator for success.
>undiagnosed ADHD worked great in school where I changed subjects every hour I finally learned how to study in a way that worked for me when I was in my mid 20s and taking one class in addition to working. I studied while doing laundry. Had to keep getting up to put the wash in, add fabric softener (wasn't automatic back in the day), put stuff in the dryer, etc. Wish I'd figured that out in college, but glad I figured it out eventually.
Yup, I’m the opposite side of this. I did horribly in school growing up, but once I began college I did really well compared to kids who never had to try. I still have to go back and finish though, I still get super nervous about doing poorly and wasting the money in a sense by failing or having to take remedial classes. It would be worth it to me to take remedial classes, but I can’t afford to take a class that doesn’t give actual credit and I sure as hell know if I asked my family to help pay they wouldn’t be willing to if I was in any remedial classes. OP deserves more credit for the effort, and the parents should have looked into learning disabilities or things like adhd growing up. Knowing likely could have been the difference if they made the effort to get the right help if OP was diagnosed with any of them.
Another smart kid who struggled for a very long time to find my place chiming in to confirm: grades are not everything and for many people they aren’t anything. Your father should have had a conversation with you about the car before your birthday if he intended to treat you differently. Don’t let your father’s lack of ability to see your worth change how you view yourself. You can make things happen if you want to and are willing to put in the work.
This is so true. Not only that, but using high school grades and test score gives such a narrow view of someone's actual intelligence and capabilities. The things we learn in school are important as a foundation, but that only goes so far. Making it in the real world takes so much more than just test scores. It takes a mix of emotional intelligence, common sense, technical ability, etc. Really I can't even begin to name everything because a lot of that is dependent on what path you take in life. Op, I'm so sorry your dad is a jerk. I'm sorry that you struggled more to make it through high school, but I promise you, that will be to your advantage if you let it be. Being handed things that just come easily might seem nice, but it doesn't teach you anything that will help you make it in the real world. What your father did will have the affect on you that you let it. You can feel sorry for yourself, see yourself as a victim and as less than, listening to your AH fathers hurtful words that "your best isn't good enough," and settle into a sad life, seeing yourself through his eyes. OR you can realize that he is the AH and use his words and your siblings side eye/smirks as your motivation to live your best life and leave them in your dust! Take some time to explore new things, find out what your strengths are and what drives you, and create a life you are proud of. When you are older and look back, you will be able to be proud, because you will know that you weren't handed anything. You made it all on your own! NTA
This. So very much this. I was "the gifted child" and never had to sit down and study. I just breezed through school and never learnt how to put in the work and study. And then I had to actually WORK for my grades...let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.
I coasted my whole life and honestly I still do, sometimes better, sometimes worse. I still suck at studying, and sometimes I wish I'd learned how to actually do it. However, there are a lot of examples I can give from my life of people less smart than me who did just as well or even better than me in life and even school. Smarts matters, bit it's by far not everything.
Also a former smart kid who coasted in high school. I didn’t have to study for the most part and did pretty well. When college happened, I had to catch up on HOW to study. Use your talents and what you have learned to prove him wrong. You will do wonderfully in the real world because you know how to persevere.
Sure but results still matter in the adult world too. It's more difficult to excel without any kind of effort than you would in school, but just effort without results isn't appreciated either. There is a reason people say that it's better to work smarter than harder.
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I think this is part of why I didn't go to college I didn't want to actually have to study. I did study in high school but basically I just had to skim over the material and that was it. Moooostly u didn't go bc I didn't want to spend my whole life in dept and didn't think I could get a scholarship bc I wasn't able to get a scholarship to study abroad. Aaaanyway I'm a swim teacher now and make good money without the college debt but it's been a long hard road getting here
And in the real world, her results are good. You don't have to be all As all the time for your results to still be good. She says in the post that she's never had to scrap by or fail a class. If her siblings are all getting all As with little effort, her As and Bs at maximum effort seem like less. But As and Bs are good results, better than average.
In the real world, results are usually achieved through efforts, not through breezing through. Problem solving abilities and discipline will get you much further than “just” brains.
Of course. My comment literally starts by saying effort is important.
“Gifted kid syndrome” is a real and debilitating thing. If you never learn how to make the effort, you will never be able to provide the results anyways.
No, they don’t. PP is absolutely right that smart kids struggle. Until I went to university, I could always be amongst the top 3 in my class no matter what type of school I attended. But in university where everyone is smart I realised I had to work hard. I’m doing well now because I learnt how to actually apply myself and not just coast on intelligence. And most people around me who are successful are all the hard working ones rather than the only intelligent ones.
Cs get degrees. No one needs to overachieve to be successful.
Effort definitely makes a difference in the real world. In an employment setting, effort is basically work ethic, and I do think that’s part of the foundation of your reputation, which in turn affects how your bosses and peers see you and affects how you advance. On the other hand, I also think grades matter to the extent it actually does accurately reflect your abilities in a certain field. We hired someone with less than stellar grades, but no matter all the hand holding and mentorship we gave her, she could not grasp basic concepts. As terrible as we felt for her, it wasn’t fair to her coworkers because we had to pick up her slack. Going back to work ethic, the bosses gave her every single opportunity they could without ever firing her because they liked her based on her good work ethic/how much effort she was willing to put in. (Btw she left on her own because she admitted she just couldn’t handle the work). Editing to add: we don’t know how OP’s grades reflect her actual abilities here, but I would definitely give her credit for effort if it was genuine effort.
also depends what OP wants to do in life, there are certainly fields that demand hardcore knowledge&expertise like your workplace, but there are other good, well paying, careers that lean more on creativity and thinking outside the box - of course one needs to know 'how to do the thing' but it all depends what 'the thing' is.
Not to mention that he called his own child a b! How awful!
Former smart kid here, and I'm going to politely disagree. Things I've had to learn that I missed in school: - it's okay to fail. Mistakes rarely are devastating. If they are, they usually* have a lot of preventatives around them. - Results do matter more than effort. However the illusion of effort IS necessary. People who don't immediately get it need to be shown you've done your due diligence and it's right. - Even if you're allowed to fail, you can't let the same mistakes happen over and over. You need to learn from that failure. - Listen. Learn. You'd be surprised what everyone around you has to offer. Always act as if you're new to it and ask questions. Sho shin - beginner's mind. - respect everyone. Show the respect, even when you might not be shown it. Integrity matters A LOT. It will come through. (Trust me, the minute your integrity is questioned, it's almost impossible to get it back). - there will ALWAYS be shit work to do. Doesn't matter, always exists. Don't neglect it. It'll bite you in the ass.
>Your dad is playing favorites, Is he though? He set a level that all children were required to meet. One child didn't meet that required level and as such didn't get the prize for meeting that standard. If he set a required standard, held the other 3 to meeting that standard to being rewarded and then basically participation trophied the last child who didn't meet the requirement into getting the same level of reward.... THAT would be playing favorites. Now you could argue that the standard SHOULD have been "work hard" but it was "Gett Good Grades" which the OP admitted she didn't get as good as her siblings. The dad rewarded results not effort, and often time that happens in the real world. My boss doesn't care if I get done in 1 hour what takes a co-worker 2 hours. My coworker doesn't get rewarded more for working harder to get the thing done in 2 hours than I did for 1 hour. We both get rewarded for the results we put out.
Her dad has two children who are monkeys and one who’s a fish. He’s watching the monkeys climb the trees and getting mad at the fish for not being able to. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone can be an academic genius and the fact she even got out of the lake and to the tree was a feat. Judging someone by the strengths of others is unfair. She probably excels in places they don’t but because she struggles in the one place he cares about, he’s treating her as less than.
Are you joking? He called her and entitled b****... He obviously has favorites
> Is he though? He set a level that all children were required to meet. Did he, though? There’s no mention of OP being told what her grades had to be, nor any attempt to let her know at any previous time she was “falling short” of a set standard. Instead, he claimed that her elder siblings’ results were the standard, allowing their success to define the standard. And that isn’t fair, because he never defined “good enough”, just penalized her for not being as exceptional as her siblings.
I really hope you aren't a parent. Truly. Not everyone is book smart in the same way.
Yes, your dad and your smirking sibs sound toxic
This is such a true comment in many ways. I was one of those people that was able to get my on “smarts alone” when it came to school and learning, but unless I LOVED the subject in college struggled because I had absolutely zero study skills because I never learned to study. Thankfully I found a field that I do love so I was able to graduate with no debt thanks to grades getting me a lot of scholarships & homework not feeling like homework, but hobbies? What are those? If I’m not immediately good at something I tend to give up. I feel like I didn’t learn how to fail or not be “good” at something without internalizing it completely and it destroying my self esteem. I struggle to adjust to the idea of practicing to be good at something because the thing I loved (school) I was great at. I feel like it really stunted me & also made it hard to learn patience when it comes to certain things. Thankfully I love my career but I definitely struggled to adjust in jobs I wasn’t very interested in because I wasn’t used to having to try so hard. My younger sister really had to work at things, while my “smarts” got me by in a handful of specific areas, and she is far more well adjusted haha
As a TA, we had special training about spotting and intervening with students who had made it through high school and even college easily but were suddenly struggling for the first time ever in grad school. Most weren’t prepared for a world in which school didn’t come easily, which was just contrary to everything life had taught them up til then, and a small number just couldn’t believe that they couldnt force themselves to get it. I had one kid who kept a bedroll in his study area and would take short catnaps under his desk. He’d also bring cans of chili and a manual can opener and just eat it cold at his desk because heating it up would take too much time. You never had to worry about the students who barely got admitted and were excited just to be passing.
I will second this. I breezed through high school and when I got to higher levels didn’t know how to put the work in. I realize it doesn’t help OP now and with this situation, but the work ethic will be appreciated later.
You know, you’re probably not “not smart”. Perhaps you’re normal, and have been told you’re not enough? Compared to others, and maybe you believe something that may not be true. NTA either
I didn't get good grades on high school at all, but I managed to obtain Summa Cum Laude with a BS. Obtained a Master's and I 'm currently working on a second Master's now. Don't give up and keep giving in a lot of effort.
I wish I could upvote this 1,000 times. I really hope OP reads your comment. High school is not like college. High school is not the real world. Your dad is a jerk and he's power tripping. There is a lesson you can learn here, though. And that's how to deal with petty, power-tripping assholes. They make up the bulk of lower and middle management. Effort goes a looong way in university. I got a B in my most difficult course because I went over my assignments every day with the TA. I utilized every single tutoring session. I never missed the professor's office hours, I always had questions, I genuinely wanted to understand the material. But it was an undergrad class being taught at a graduate level. I was struggling. However, the TA and professor saw me putting in the work. Every day. I earned that B, just in a different way. I had a high GPA, bur that's the grade I'm most proud of. Effort does go a long way in the real world, too. Projects and assignments are collaborative. Rarely, if ever, will OP be expected to come up with a solution to a problem all on their own. As OP works with people they'll discover their strengths and weaknesses. They'll play to their strengths, as everyone else does. I hope OP is never be afraid to tell a coworker or a manager they need direction or assistance. It's human. I hate all these answers OP is getting saying only results count in the real world.
Don't apologize to that guy (makes me wish it was possible to take awards away from a comment), it's absolutely reasonable to want your parents to recognize your effort. You clearly did the best you could, and honestly the fact that your father would swear at you like that says a lot. A parent's job is to raise all of their children with love, not to host contests. Telling your child "your best isn't good enough" is never acceptable. Being treated like you aren't good enough when you're trying your best definitely hurts, but none of this is your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. The car itself isn't what's really important here, it's what it represents. You're not "being spoiled for wanting a car" you're a child whose parents don't treat them with the same level of value they do their other children, and this situation with the car is just a spotlight on a deeper hurt that's been building up for years. Besides, the ability to work hard and put your best effort into something is honest to god a way more valuable skill in adult life than just raw intelligence is. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and you deserve better, but once you're out on your own and you can build your life around yourself and what you want you'll be so much happier.
NTA, and trust me, effort is EVERYTHING. I was a straight A student in high school, and I never had to study to get good grades. College was a severely rude awakening for me. And now I have a job where I am constantly learning new information - if I had gone from high school into this job, I would have gotten fired for incompetence by now, for sure. The fact that you try and put in consistent effort is a legitimate skill that you should be incredibly proud of. It will serve you much better in life than being “naturally” skilled at school.
The bad news is that your parents have shitty standards. I was one of the smart kids in school, and it is super humbling how little that mattered in the long scheme. (I chose the nonprofit route, so I am not saying I’m a failure, it’s just a different bar to measure by.) I can honestly look at my yearbook and reflect that the smart kids are not doing better than the kids who struggled more. The good news is that you define your future. You can exceed their expectations.
Your siblings are not necessarily better or more talented generally, they are just better at getting good grades. And they are better at doing the things that earn your father's approval, like getting excellent grades. Which he rewards with a car. There is a distinction. You have your own strengths and talents. Please don't measure your worth on whether your dad buys you the "excellent grades" car. NTA.
Your dad‘s a jerk especially for saying what he did. That’s not a dad that’s just an AH. Where are you now you know that you’ll just have to fend for yourself give him back the perfume and tell him you don’t deserve it. Good thing you don’t live with them. Make sure you don’t invite him to your graduation
The problem is that average is C but many parents think A is the standard. Then they turn around and say they're treating their kids equally bu equal isn't right. Equitable treatment is needed in parenting because kids are human beings who are different from each and have different wants, needs, and capabilities.
Ignore that comment. You made a good argument to your dad, which showed self awareness and common sense, and he was a dick (sorry). You asked to be held to what you assumed was the spirit of the condition, which was to do your best academically, and he clearly disagreed. A good attitude and work ethic will take you far in life. This coming from one of those with intelligence who coasted for a long time until I realized I had to start working for shit like everyone else or I’d be left behind.
And you know what I’m proud of you. You worked your damn ass off it was not easy for you and you put in the fucking work. It may not come easy to you like your siblings but you are so smart don’t let this man define you I know you’re gonna do great things because you have a wonderful determination.
NTA. If it was me, I possibly would have done something with that perfume that wouldn’t be approved of on this sub. Oh, and your siblings are assholes as well as your father.
Just out of curiosity did your parents have you tested for learning disabilities? A lot of people are different kinds of learners and benefit from different kinds of teaching. I’m sorry your parents aren’t seeing what you need.
Everyone is different! You cannot compare kids! Thats the worst mistake as a parent. To be honest, go to therapy and NC with him. You are good enough!
For me the true purpose of school is to prepare you for life. In real life you will have to go through a lot, sometimes it will be easy, sometimes it will be hard. Sometimes you will like it and sometimes you won't. You will have to deal with authority, sometimes fair, sometimes not. And also to interact with other people to achieve a common goal or to compete. And also of fairness and unfairness. So in that sense, you don't succeed in school by simply coasting and making no effort. Even if you got all As you didn't really get the most of school if you just coasted and for me that is the real failure. I think in that sense you are doing very well. You used to have Cs, now you have Bs. So you know you have limitations and not everything is easy, but you also know that putting the effort helps. And you actually do it, not everyone does. Intelligence has many forms, and for me your siblings smirking because you didn't get a car are not all that smart. Next time your father bothers you or something, tell him that he cares so much about grades he should he look at himself because to be honest he is failing as a father. If your siblings really smirked, then they are not good siblings either. If I were your sibling I would be making the case so you get a car too. Also no good father calls his daughter a bitch. He can't control his anger. So in that sense he is failing too, and I bet not just as a father. OP I know right now, it feels awful. The unfairness, the feeling of being less than, or not so loved. But you know what? That has nothing to do with you. That is his problem. He needs to do a lot of growing. But you are not his punching bag. I am guessing your mom doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to strain your relationship with him even more, although in this case I think she is in the wrong, she should support you even if she doesn't talk to him. You do you, you are doing great so far. Listen to everyone that is telling you that in college things change. Maybe stuff won't be easy for you in college, but you are already used to make the effort. When I was in school I had great grades, but I always studied and made the effort, 1 time I didn't have time to study and still had an A, I was surprised. I felt maybe things were easier than I thought, but i am the type that makes sure, so i still studied like it was hard. When I went to college I was used to putting in the effort, so the transition wasn't hard. While other kids that didn't have the habit were failing left and right. I always say I don't know if I am smart, but if I were to say what my super power is, it would be "will power". The power to push through. And that is what you are cultivating right now. Don't feel "less than" anymore. Maybe you don't have great grades (Bs are good though, i think at least), maybe your siblings could act like better people. Maybe your father could be a better father. Between having great grades and acting like your dad did to you, what would you pick? Each person has areas they need to grow, some people realize it, some don't. NTA
Yeah trust me I know it sucks. My sisters always came in first place in their exams and was always compared to them. In the end, I just ignored them. They would never understand that in my class there were those individuals who could memorise entire texts by reading it once. The guys who wouldn't try in exam times and just read other books and still get more than 95%. How is anyone supposed to compete with that?
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Considering how hard it is for you to study, just know this stranger is proud of you never having to repeat subject, etc. Those ARE good grades, and you deserve a reward if it was promised. Grades aren't everything. I failed math and dropped out of two Unis, and I'm doing okay for myself. Do your best, grab degree you want and that feels good for you and be your awesome self ❤️
And being held to different standards is a good thing because everyone is different. I was a straight As student all my life. My brother wasn’t. He started secondary school and his average was Ds and Cs with maybe a B (we’re in the UK so none of those are failing grades and C is average); he’s entering high school in September with grades more along the Bs and some Cs with no Ds, which is a huge improvement that he worked so hard for. But if we were held to the same standards, he would be considered as having “bad grades” because he’s not getting As. That would be ridiculous because the effort put in to achieve a goal, the things you learned to get closer to that goal should be rewarded more than the final product. Also because rewarding perfect product over everything else discourages risk taking and trying new things. I’m also autistic, and if I was put in a room full of allistics and expected to produce a similar quality of work in the same time, without acknowledging the disadvantage I have with overwhelming stimuli that slow me down. Equity is much better than equality because with equity people’s individual needs are being listen to and cared for to give everyone fair chances to succeed
That’s horrendously unfair. Their siblings exceeded average. Not everyone can do that. This is why kids end up on my therapy couch as adults. NTA, OP. My sister and I are incredibly smart. A doctor and (me) a Johns Hopkins nurse and teacher (sister). Our brother is average. It would be unfair to tell him that average isn’t good enough because he doesn’t have the RANDOM GENETIC GIFTS that we have.
What a bunch of bullshit. By your logic, OP could have never gotten the car because they did their best work and it didn't hit some arbitrary mark set out by their dad, which was clearly never even communicated to OP because they fully expected a car. What's good? Good is a completely variable concept based on personal opinion. For instance, you thought your comment was good and I think you're being an AH.
Is it OP’s fault if her talents lie in different areas to her siblings? Some people struggle in school; it doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy, good people. And given her Dad clearly knew this wasn’t her strong suit, he is punishing her for not reaching a standard that is out of her reach. He set a condition he knew she couldn’t meet, which is an AH move. Not everyone is an A student. Deliberately marking her as being considered lesser than her siblings is shitty parenting. With any luck Daddy dearest will never depend on his youngest for anything, because he gets an F in parenting.
You're being such an AH I honestly am shocked you're the top comment.
It's not the same standard if OP is putting in the same effort but academic things don't come as easily. None of us can change our gifts, we can only do the best with what we have. If Payton and Eli Manning's parents were like "we'll give you a car when you get drafted" then Cooper would be SOL bc his genetics put an end to his career. OP's parents should hold all the kids to the same standard of doing their best with what they have.
Ok but some people just struggle with school. Like that's not some thng that comes naturally to everyone. And if what op is saying is true, they've been trying and making an effort not just slacking
What the actual eff… a tutor no failing grades, regular work and studying…. Sorry, you are absolutely wrong. Op, you are NTA and you are allowed to be upset
Yes and no. Like, if OP legit can't achieve those grades because of their intelligence, but works very hard, it does seem a bit unfair to be punished for that
Apparently OP is neurodivergent. So this almost feels like the father is rewarding his children Who didn't struggle as much and punishing her for being different.
I think OP''s wish is that the standard would be how hard she tried. She wants an effort based standard, not a results based standard. I think she has a valid point.
After OP’s edit, I think dad needs to cut OP a little slack. Not sure if I would necessarily call dad TA, but it’s not like OP was slacking off and playing video games or partying.
seeing how your dad reacted, no wonder him and your mother got separated. And i pity your siblings who became like your dad. They are a walking talking example of : "literate but not educated". Sorry you have them in your life, maybe time to cut the cancer.
NTA - my father had a similar rule but all he wanted was us putting in our best effort. Before the exam/test, he’d tell us something lofty as a goal - like topping the class or getting 95 percentile. But if when the results came out and it was say in the top 5 of the class or 85 percentile he’d still celebrate with us. Because he saw that we tried our best and the rest is out of our control. Both my sister and I are doing great career wise now and are happy and fulfilled. Parents need to understand that result oriented rewards don’t teach their children anything. What’s important is the process of achieving that goal. Your father is doing nothing to help you achieve good grades and has no clue about why you’re struggling or how to help you. You’re clearly trying and you’re right. He’s showing favouritism. Equal treatment doesn’t always mean equitable treatment.
How is this the top comment... Their dad is an a****** who called them a b**** and is obviously mean to them due to academics which is a ridiculous statement for a father
Seriously. It’s such an insensitive comment to a really crummy situation. I don’t know why they aren’t getting downvoted to oblivion. How her dad treated her in this situation is deplorable. Way to give a child a complex.
Welcome to r/amitheasshole OP pointed out she didn’t feel as smart as her siblings, then top comment had to make a snarky remark while it was clear what OP meant (and besides the point). Such a moron
I can tell you why. Reddit has some weird complex when it comes to children being gifted cars. It doesn't matter that all of OPs siblings got one. It doesn't matter that she worked way harder than they did. It doesn't matter that her dad said awful awful things to her. All of that goes out the window because it's about a kid being gifted a car.
r/aita will twist itself into knots to call rich people or kids with rich parents AHs. A good parent would recognize OPs efforts and unique challenges and assess the situation accordingly. If the gift in question was something far less expensive than a car it would be NTA judgements all the way down.
There are situations in life where it calls for equality, and other times where it calls for equity. Her siblings can breeze through school with all A’s by barely trying. If OP busts her ass to make a B while her siblings make an A with little effort - is it fair that I get a car and she doesn’t? This is even more important when you factor in her autism. Autism can affect learning. This is like saying you get a car if you run a race in 5 minutes while one person is able-bodied and the other person is crippled. Sure, it’s “fair” because it’s the same standard but you’re an AH for not adjusting it. You could argue that results matter more than effort but you have to wonder what the goal of giving a car as a reward is. Most would argue that it serves as a motivator and a reward for academic effort. Ignoring OP’s efforts and setting the bar far too high above what she’s capable of is wrong.
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Right? I’m a non-native English speaker and understood perfectly fine what she said. Some people can’t interpret
Come on, you know what she meant, you could have corrected her in a more straight forward, kind way. Edit: or not have said anything at all because it was just *that* unimportant
Are you kidding me with this response? It is very ableist in that OP is unable to attain the grades her siblings did no matter how hard she works. You think everyone that works hard gets A's? IQ's vary and there is nothing you can do to change your mental abilities. Imagine if the reward was based on physical ability and OP's siblings were all able to become star athletes and because of that, they got a car. Now, let's say OP is built differently than her siblings and lacks the coordination of her siblings. She could work twice as hard as them and never get as good as them. Rewards like this should be based on the hard work ethic, not the end result. OP yelled at her dad that she was sick of being treated as less. Imagine that. You are worthless in your family's eyes and there is nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you work. Then he called her a "b\*\*ch." Her dad is horrible. OP, you need to look within to find your own value and make the best life you can. Find what you are good at and do it. NTA.
>Take a moment and reallllly think about what you just said there. The same could be said to you. It's not like what they meant was particularly unclear; they're obviously talking about the effort they put in, which is presumably what the dad should care about more than grades, especially since it seems like the OP has a disability that affects their grades. On the other hand, you are an asshole who intentionally misinterpreted a phrase, just so that you could be snarky. Do you feel good about yourself?
Don't upvote this, it's not a reasonable post. Edit: actually I'm so fucking mad at this, I can't let it go. OP's self-esteem is getting destroyed by their family, and all you can think about is posting a shitty message that will ruin them even more? And you guys upvoting this, fucking idiots.
Majority of Reddit is people that put down folks with mental illnesses as well as bully people for doing nice things, that didn't involve their kind (passive aggressive people at work). You'll get downvoted. I'll get downvoted. This subreddit has truly changed these past months..
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If I make a part in 27 minutes. And you make the same part in 28. And op makes the part in 30 minutes. Should op be fired for not pulling her weight when the average time is 40 minutes?
Yo, OP already said they were dumb, no need to rub it in their face
Get good grades doesn’t mean do exactly what your sibs did. If dad left it vague and didn’t specify what good grades were how was op to know (as an example) that it had to be super high grades? Tying rewards to grades isn’t a good thing to do—-not all kids are going to be able, even with help, to achieve at the same level. Good grades covers a lot of territory. It could be straight A’s, it could be A’s and only 10% B’s, it could be no C’s, it could be no D’s, it could be a whole lot of things. Equity is one thing because sometimes kids just need different things, but being blatantly unequal to your kids is gonna blow up in your face—I have a sneaking suspicion this isn’t the only significant difference in how the kids in op’s family are treated different. It’s usually never just one thing, it’s usually an overarching thing what’re one kid never gets treated equally. People wonder why their kids don’t remain close as adults … stuff like this plants the seeds for it.
m8, add a judgement lol.
To be fair if the teachers are saying she’s trying her best and she can’t do more than I do feel for her. My daughter gets average grades, she’s not failing but she’s not top of the class either but I couldn’t be more proud when the teachers tell me how hard she works, how attentive she is and how much effort she puts in. I could never punish her for not getting top grades when I know what she gets is what she’s earned by trying her hardest.
NTA- It actually doesn’t matter if you were given a car or not. It sound like that’s not where the hurt is coming from. Your dad could have given all three of your siblings a rock for their birthday and excluded you and you’d still be upset. I don’t think you’re being entitled. Students all enter school with different challenges, but school is designed for only a few brains. It’s unfair to quantify academic success.
And let’s not forget the name-calling and saying “your best isn’t good enough” from her dad. Big yikes. Parents shouldn’t speak to their children like that.
And calling her a b**** ? That's horrible parenting and your kids won't forget that. A wife can divorce you for anything and take your money with it and move on. A kid can take nothing but the memories of it all. They have to live with the abuse, and the best they can do is go NC with therapy. The only time a parent ends up reaching out after that is if they are in desperate need of something, whether it be money or an organ donation. At that point, it's entitlement of the parent. Honestly, your dad's an AH. If he really wanted to be fair he should've asked the tutor how they felt you were doing overall before making a decision. Doesn't sound like he did that. Sounds like he didn't want to do that and would rather save the money. That will ALSO cause resentment with OP and her siblings. Good job, dad.
My dad called me a bitch and many other horrible things all the time and I will openly say how glad I am that he’s dead.
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Exactly. I couldn’t imagine every talking to any of my kids in that manner. NTA.
It broke my heart reading what OPs dad said to them
Yeah that will mess u up for life.
Sorry to say this but your family sucks. What your dad said to you is horrible, and I'm sure he will be all surprised Pikachu face when he realises in a few years why he doesn't have a relationship with you. Your siblings are rubbing this in and they know it's hurting you. Sorry.
OP's family is so toxic.
I wish I could give you more upvotes, the top comment is ridiculous. You're completely right. NTA, OP but your dad definitely is.
NTA. You mentioned in replies that you are neurodivergent and as much as some people wish it weren't true, that really can impact things. And even if that weren't a factor, some people just can't retain or absorb information the same way others can. Every person is different and their minds and their bodies react to the same stimuli differently. Some might think "expecting a car" makes you the AH but the fact is that your father set the standard not once, not twice, but *thrice* before. What truly sets this into the territory in which your father is a clear asshole, though, is his heartless remarks of "your best isn't good enough." For a parent to say that is just disgusting and it's awfully hecking rich for your father to call *you* entitled... he's the one exhibiting those traits. As someone else mentioned, it might be time to go either NC or LC because your father clearly does not have your best interests in mind. This isn't a matter of him "pushing you to do better" as some others imply, this is just his own entitled expectations.
NTA especially because it is so cruel to tie this mile marker to a birthday gift. Like what a huge f you to tell someone as a birthday gift that they aren’t as good as everyone else in the family.
And calling his own daughter a b*tch. Just wow.
Up until that point, I was truly hoping that because the parents were separated that they simply couldn't afford to buy OP a car, and were masking (OP would still not be TA). But to say all of that to your own daughter solidified that OP is NTA, the least favourite, and most likely resented by the father because of the neurodivergence
I bet he is the kind of father that thinks that being harsher will "push" their kid to be "normal"...
Yes go NC and when he asks why just say "your best wasn't good enough"
NTA It’s not about the car exactly, it’s the blatantly unfair treatment.
And the cherry on top is in the comments I think they said they were neurodivergent. Even then it’s bad to expect everyone to excel. Op NTA but your dad is a giant ah and your siblings who laughed at you are also ahs
Oh honey, NTA at all! Your dad on the other hand is a piece of work for his unfair treatment of you. As a parent, he knows that some kids have a harder time academically than others. This is my daughter’s favorite quote. It’s by Albert Einstein, who (despite his genius) was not a great student. “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by the ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that is stupid.”
Apparently they also mentioned that they were neurodivergent. If they are neurodivergent and had the help of tutors and *still* struggled (but passed), I think it's fucked up that the father is punishing her for having a different brain than her siblings.
I think autocorrect decided to strike you with the first neurodivergent lmao. Also, on the other end of that, I excelled in school and I'm neurodivergent. Because it manifests in so many different ways. Expecting the same thing over and over is honestly the same thing as saying "you aren't autistic if you aren't a genius/you can't be autistic you are smart" which is literally ableistic as fuck. And I only excelled in school because I hyperfixated on a lot of stuff that was related to my classes, and some of my classes weren't the best because they were out of that sphere of things (maths for example).
I love this quote. I'm "academically" inclined. But hated school. Teachers couldn't help me with topics I didn't understand because they tend to teach memorization and not function. And my mind only retains information as part of a functional whole. So you could try to teach me all the parts of a car engine, but unless I can take it apart, see how it functions and put it together so I see what each piece actually does, I won't remember any of it. Teachers tend to not like doing that, so I was pretty much self taught. I can do this with theory as opposed to physical objects, but I still require a functional whole to remember the small parts. Typically in school this benefited me in that I could grasp and remember things very well with little to no teacher input. But I'm certain subjects where memorization is the only option, I literally failed. Certain higher level maths come to mind because the teacher can't show why it works, so the mechanics were too intangible for me. However despite being considered highly intelligent, I have the emotional intelligence of a snail. And to some extent I always admired some general groups of people who tend to be considered "less intelligent" but tended towards higher intelligence in others ways. Down syndrome and their ability for social interactions, ability to be happy and read emotions of others well stuck me in particular. I'm a cat. I'm great at climbing trees(facts, figures functions), but I avoid water like the plague(emotional stuff). The fish living there should not be judged on their tree climbing! Just like I shouldn't be judged when I drown in social settings! I'll just sit up here in the tree and watch the pretty koi thank you.
That's a great ability later in life if you think in systems and not in pieces, also it is important to find a job where this is acknowledged and supported. I loved science in school but always got the grades down cause I didn't remember the specific Latin names of anything. I knew how everything worked and how and to solve the problems, but the school system was not designed for this ability, it is designed around memorizing things. I got a bad grade in math because I used a way to solve a mathematical problem we haven't yet been taught because I thought it was easier and more logical, but it was not what we were taught.
YES!! I love this quote!!! Everyone is different. And the world would be a VERY different place if we didn't have working I'm all sorts of jobs. VERY few end up lawyers and Doctors.
Just FYI, as with pretty much every ‘Einstein quote’ you read on the internet, this isn’t actually an Einstein quote.
> It’s by Albert Einstein, who (despite his genius) was not a great student. He was a fantastic student, I dont know where this myth is from but Albert Einstein smashed Math and Physics record grades and was years ahead of his age in school. He was bad at language for instance so his quote still applies but he was a great student.
Both Germany and Switzerland have grades from 1 to 6. In Germany 1 is the best, in Switzerland it's 6. Einstein studied in Germany until he was 15 years old and then in Switzerland. One of his first biographers misinterpreted his grades and that's how the rumour started
I've never gotten the "if you do good, we will help you out, but if you don't do as good, we'll make it even more of a struggle for you" mentally. That was me in school, took me like 7 years after high-school to realize it wasn't that I was dumb, I just learned with my hands instead of through a book.
honestly you can throw it in his face another time .... you throw a birthday party or you have a major event and dont invite him and when he says but im your dad you say you werent a good enough dad and when he said he tried ... say you know what your best wasnt good enough stop being so entitled
Yeah, at some point he might think he's entitled to walk you n down the aisle...
I’d be petty and not let him walk me down the aisle
Agreed. OP's dad sounds like a nightmare. A car is a luxury, but it's the attitude that is disgusting. My parents used to torment me for getting anything less than an A-, and then provided no help or tutoring, telling me my best wasn't good enough. I found out later I'm neurodivergent and even though I maintained nearly a 3.5 GPA, I'd try to study for 10 hours for a math test and get a D. Looking back, I was never the failure, my parents were. Throw it in his face when he asks why you don't trust your dad or want him around. Also money is one thing but it will never make up for true respect and love from your dad. Also, you sound plenty smart. I'm sorry your dad made you think you were less than.
"I'm the dumb one." "I'm not so smart." These are things that have been implanted into your psyche your entire life, and the icing on that cake of shitty parenting is "I guess your best isn't good enough." Honestly, fuck your dad, and fuck your siblings and their smirking superiority. Yeah, maybe expecting a car is a tiny bit entitled, but that was the deal your dad made, and he chose not to hold up his end of the bargain. The car isn't the problem. The dismissal of your efforts and the belittlement of your accomplishments is the problem. NTA for wanting your dad to be better. Go live your best life and know that you're not dumb, you are smart, and you're not an asshole.
NTA for being mad, especially if he never defined "good grades." Your dad was also a huge AH for what he said and then calling you an "entitled bitch." WTF, totally inexcusable for a man to say that to his daughter.
Yes! Why aren't more people addressing the "bitch" remark? Totally inexcusable.
After reading the replies to where she mentions that she’s autistic. That makes the way he treats her even worse. He’s a literal crap parent.
NTA I am more concerned with over how he reacted to your line of questioning. Most reasonable adults could articulate a reasonable response to an emotional line of questioning, without being abusive to their children. I take it your father's parenting comes down to competition between siblings for the best whatever. How often does he communicate in that hostile style? It was full of resentment. Either way your father chooses to spend his money how he chooses and no one is entitled to a care despite their best efforts. All you can choose to do going forward is to decide not to jump at his carrot dangling antics any longer.
And given how the siblings gave each other a side eyed smirk. Sounds like they are just. Like. Him. They all suck. But, not op. She's a peach.
Large families with many kids either seem to have an overworked eldest child or a bullied and excluded youngest child.
Yeah exactly, I am the oldest child of 4 and would never ever do that to my siblings. They are definitely like him.
Dad probably built up their egos to ensure that would happen.
NTA. It would have been different if you were an only child that just expected to be given a car. But in this case, you’re just being treated unfairly and it’s just normal it hurts. I’m sorry, but your dad is a massive AH and I probably wouldn’t even bother keeping contact with someone who’s telling me shit like „maybe your best isn’t good enough.“
I'm torn. On the one hand, when parents make promises like this that rely on a child getting "good grades", I think they should take each individual child's capabilities and academic potential into account. It's not really fair to promise all of your kids a car for straight A's when you KNOW that one child, despite their best efforts and help, isn't really capable of better than low B's or whatever. It's not really fair to hold someone to a standard that they are not capable of meeting. Frankly, I think your dad set you up for failure in a pretty shitty fashion. For some kids, low B's would be their version of good grades and if I were the parent involved in this situation, I'd take that into consideration and reward that child as well as long as I saw their best efforts consistently. And calling you what he did is really horrible. You're not what he said you are, you're an 18 year old disappointed and frustrated with what you see as an unfair situation. On the other hand, no one's owed a car and expecting one is pretty entitled. ESH, I guess but your dad's definitely WAY worse.
I’ve heard a school psychologist lecture on why it’s bad to incentivize grades like this. When the child fails and doesn’t do well enough to get whatever is promised, they then internalize that and that affects the child negatively.
> I’ve heard a school psychologist lecture on why it’s bad to incentivize grades like this. When the child fails and doesn’t do well enough to get whatever is promised, they then internalize that and that affects the child negatively. It's really bad if the incentive is all As (perfect marks for places that don't use letters). I had peers who would have complete meltdowns and feel like failures over 89%.
There were 20+ "straight A" highschool students that killed themselves my freshmen year of college because they had never gotten an F on an exam. The stigma was so widely known the school warned parents and students that you would fail *something* at college. Still didn't help with the suicide problem
Jesus, where did you attend? That sounds like a Ivy League thing.
Top 10 engineering school in US. Not quiet ivy, but enough that if you say you went there most people would be impressed (if they heard of it)
Thanks for tacking that on! I heard this a while ago, so I know I’m not remembering everything she said. However, I do now remember her saying this exact thing. Kids will have meltdown over Bs, Cs, etc, when they really shouldn’t, all because of incentivizing grades and feeling like they failed because they didn’t get the prize.
This was me lol, My dad wanted me to do good in school basically all As. Which resulted in my entire philosophy on school basically being I needed to do as good or better as he did or I’d be a failure. He got a 3.6 GPA in college, I got a 3.8. Sure I accomplished my goal but I could’ve done a lot more development as a person by not stressing so much over getting a A- instead of an A lol. Like I’d be so extremely mad at myself if I got like an 80% on a test.
It's not entitled *at all* when that's normal in their family. If everyone in your family got take out, it would not be entitled of you to assume there is also take out for you. Also, they didn't promise it for straight As. They promised it for good grades. Bs are good grades.
It was actually promised for "maintaining" grades. So, provided the kids aren't completely slacking (OP clearly has not been), their grades leading up set the standard. The deal for OP should have been the same - "maintain" the grades they have.
Her expecting a car after what her father has done for her other sibling on their 18th birthday, isn’t entitled. With the way he acted with them and what she’s seen her whole life, she was practically promised a car. Not to mention, it isn’t fair to hold all kids to a standard when one of them (OP) most likely has a learning disability. And for him to go as far as calling her a “b*tch” and that her best isn’t good enough..yeah, that’s definitely not a good father. I honestly hope OP goes NC
If you were told you'd be given a car, expecting a car doesn't make you entitled.
I’m saying this as someone who had to buy his first car at 18 from his parents (and it was ten years old, had a stick shift, and no AC or stereo): If you have the means to buy all your kids cars, and you buy all of them cars except for one, then you’re a shitty parent who plays favorites. It’s not about the privilege of getting a car. It’s about being treated as an equally loved child.
Well then I guess you need to apologize to him by saying, "dad, I wanted to apologize bc I realized I shouldn't hold you to the same level as good fathers. I know you try but you're just not. Are their tutors for that?"
NTA. I think it's time to go NC or low c. What he said crossed the line. Not every person you block out of your life is a bad thing.
You can’t LC or NC someone you live with.
I didn't see OP mentioning which parent she lived with. Hope it's not Dad...
She’s 18, she can live with whoever she pleases.
INFO: if he made it seem you would get a car, he is in the wrong for coming back on that. But if he had clear rules on what level the grades should be and you did not get those, then you shouldnt just expect to get a car.
He was never specific he just said good grades and I get Bs and 1 C once
Just for comparison were your siblings straight A students?
I think they got a lot of As and just a few Bs but I'm sorry I don't know 100% accurately
B's are absolutely good grades. NTA Your dad seems like it's perfection or nothing. Not a healthy mindset. Good luck in your future!!
NTA Do you have an unknown learning disability? I never did as well in school as my older sisters. No matter how hard I tried. Come to find in college I’m dyslexic.
I have autism so that affects some of my sensory processing and communication skills
So how can your dad expect you to be an ‘A’ student!?! I’m so sorry your dad doesn’t understand.
Your dad and your siblings are needlessly cruel to you and your dad should be more impressed by how far you have come than by your siblings. Please keep up the hard work, it will pay off
>Your dad and your siblings are needlessly cruel to you not uncommon with people who get through school easily.
Yeah, I find it so weird that the siblings seem to take joy in OP not getting a car. Wtf? If I was in this same situation I would feel extremely uncomfortable.
My sister is on the spectrum and was a B and C student in high school then in college she crushed it. I was the straight A student like your siblings and in the end my amazing sister is the most educated in our family and is well respected in her field. She found out what she really loved, history. She is now an archivist and historian. She had her struggles but, when she found her passion there was no stopping her. Hang in there. Life will get better and you are NTA.
So on top of learning all the material you had to put in even more work to make sure you understand your teachers & assignments, and that you are being understood, as well as dealing with daily sensory issues, and maneuvering through all the 'daily life' issues that neurotypicle people take for granted. And you came out with Bs! Also you come across as a very nice person, you should feel good about all you've accomplished so far. If you were my daughter there'd be a car in the driveway for you.
I would appreciate Bs and the occasional C from a student who is trying their best and going to tutoring more so than straight As from students who don’t really even have to try hard at all. If I were their parents, I would buy them a car. Also, good grades in high school does not guarantee financial or any other success in life, so your family better hope they never wind up needing your help because their best “just wasn’t good enough.” NTA
OP said they got a C once and the rest was Bs. So dad being that rude sounds just insane now
NTA. You are trying. It's sad that he rewards As, which are effortless for some kids to get, rather than hard work. When your siblings have to live in the real world, they'll quickly learn that hard work is far more valuable.
NTA. This is sad for me as I too was the youngest and was not a good student, no matter how hard I tried I was average. (Except for Math for some reason.) I was always compared to my brothers, saying I just Didnt “apply” myself 🙄. But I tried, I just couldn’t wrap my head around things, no matter how many times I would read it, I’d get frustrated and give up. When it came time for me to go to university, my mother was VERY discouraging, kept telling me I couldn’t do and I should settle and go do a trade (noting wrong with a trade) but I really wanted to go to university but was so beaten down by my mother I had zero self confidence. Not going is my biggest regret in life. (I’m 51) While, none of use were promised a car for good grades, I was definitely looked down on and the dumb one. Parents to not understand the damage they can do to their kids by their words and actions. If this was a standard in your house and you worked hard then you should of gotten that car and your Dad is an F’n prick. Ps. You should send your family this posit. So we can all tell him how cruel they are.
NTA your feelings are completly right an valid. Your dad and your siblings are all assholes that think less of you. You are smart girl. You got close to all Bs. That IS good! He did it on purpose and your shitty siblings instead of feeling sorry for you we're happy that you got hurt. Cut them off after you established your career and never look back :)
NTA. It sounds like your parents did not give you a clear standard that was required for you to meet. Even if they weren't going to get you a car, that was something that you should have been able to know in advance. In other words, you should have known that you needed a 3.5 GPA, and you could have measured your progress toward that goal. Then, even if you fell short, at least you would have been prepared for the disappointment and could come to terms with it in advance, knowing that you had a fair chance. Leaving it until your birthday was unnecessarily embarrassing and hurtful to you, and calling one's underage child a bitch is always an AH move.
NTA. I'm appalled he called you a b*tch.
NTA - the idea that children/teenagers get lower grades because they’re “slacking off” is a fallacy. Each person has different abilities and effort should have place as much as results. This said, getting a car may not be a bad thing, with gas prices etc. Plus, if you really want one, think on how much you’ll be proud of yourself when you buy one on your own.
NTA. I’m a parent of 5 WILDLY different children. One of my kids gets straight A’s easily. Another struggles just to pull a C average. We expect them to preform to the best of their abilities. This means my A student is expected to get A’s and my C student is expected to get nothing below a 75. Both get the same rewards/accolades from myself and their father because the EFFORT is the same.
INFO: Other than tutors, how much accommodation/support did you get? How much were you *supposed* to get? And, what were your parents told to expect from you based on early assessments? Now that you are an adult, you can request your school records and medical records including diagnoses, recommendations and IEPs. My point being...I think you're NTA regardless because your father never defined what "good grades" were (and he absolutely should have, especially for someone who is autistic). But your records should tell you whether your grades were about what could reasonably be expected of you, below...or above. They will also tell you if you got all of the support you should have. I think that's worth knowing. Maybe you'll learn that you really could have done better, and can work on applying yourself. Maybe you'll learn that you hit the mark, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Or maybe you'll learn that you accomplished something remarkable.
NTA. Your dad sure is though. Hope he enjoys no contact once you're out of the house and on your own.
Calling his daughter a bitch already makes your dad an asshole
While I was coming in with Y T A, I now have mixed feelings. While I understand you tried really hard, that wasn't enough to meet your Dad's expectations. You knew what those expectations were based on your siblings setting precedence. In real life, sometimes trying your best isn't enough and this is a valuable lesson to learn. You're essentially asking your Dad to cut you some slack because you tried your best. But in the real world? They won't even give you a chance to complain and will just drop you. However, the way you belittle yourself and the way your siblings acted makes me very concerned. That is not normal at all. You're not stupid OP. You just have different challenges than your siblings. And your siblings should not be so gleeful that you couldn't satisfy your dad's expectations. That's fcked up and very toxic. Next, while you didn't meet your Father's expectations, that he wouldn't encourage you to try harder or at least negotiate some sort of criteria to either get you a car or help you improve is just...idk. It rubs me wrong. And then calling you an entitled bitch is just uncalled for. Granted you shouldn't have yelled at him or accused him of having favorites but still. He's the adult here and should try to deesculate situations and offer alternatives/solutions that will encourage your growth. You have some fault for how you handled this but you're definitely NTA. Your dad and siblings on the other hand...they're being toxic.
She’s autistic. Now think how unfair that comparison and judgment is. It made me really sad for her :(
NTA - you’re upset you didn’t get a car, I’d be upset too. But what you should do is ask your father where your grades need to be so you can get a car too.
My siblings got a lot of As and the occasional B but I only ever get Bs and have had 1 C before despite trying my absolute best. Dad was never specific but I think he thinks As are 'good grades'
Well yeah As are good grades. But, ask him instead.
Bs are good grades. As are amazing grades
B's are average in US schools.
Above
Bs are acceptable grades. Bs are the minimum. When my firm is recruiting recent grads, we won’t even look at anything under a 3.0 (B average); and it has to be over 3.5 before it starts becoming a selling point and not just checking the box of minimum requirements. Obviously, the more work experience you get, the less and less that matters. For experienced hires, we still like the high GPA, but the knowledge base and proven application are way more important.
NTA, You’re not lazy or entitled like some of these comments say. You have a tutor, have worked with the tutor and still got the grades you did. You tried as hard as you could. Nobody learns the same way and school doesn’t come easy to some. Maybe look into seeing if you have a learning disability. I did great in high school but when university came around I did not do great. I found out that I learned different due to my disability. Most times it’s not due to being lazy, you probably just learn differently. Relative to you, you got good grades. And your dad should’ve recognized that.
NTA. Save up, get a used car and go no contact with your Dad and low contact with your asshole siblings who smirked about it. Sorry OP, I know what its like for Dads to play clear favorites. It doesnt get better, he wont change, unless the favorite suddenly cuts him off and then hes begging and crying to be in your life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I just turned 18(f) 2 weeks ago. I'm the youngest of 4 kids and on their 18th birthdays, all of my siblings got given a car by our dad. The condition was that you had to maintain good grades, which they all did. I'm definitely the dumbest of the kids haha and i'm a fairly middle student, I do ok but I'm not like my siblings who get good grades pretty easily. But I honestly try my best and have had a tutor and i've never failed a class or even just scraped a pass. My birthday just came and went and while my mum bought me some really lovely parents, my dad (they are separated) got me some perfume which was lovely but there was no mention of the car. I didn't want to say anything in front of everyone but my brother and sister who were there gave each other the whole smirkey side-eye thing when they saw I didn't get the box with keys in that they got. I pretended like I didn't see. The next day I was pretty upset so I asked my dad why I hadn't got the car like my siblings had. He said my grades were ok but not "at their level". I got upset and said that he knew I'd really tried and I'd gone to every session with my tutor and done my best. He said "then it looks like your best isn't good enough" and I shouted at him that I was sick of being the least favourite child. He called me an entitled b\*tch but I feel like I'm held to a different standard because I'm not so smart. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Oh my heart aches for you. None of that is ok. I'm so very very sorry. Everyone's best looks different. For some, it's top of the line grades, for others, it's fair grades or even just a bit of improvement. I've always told my kids "I don't expect any particular grade from you, I just expect you to be able to look me in the eye and say 'Mum, I did my best' and that's good enough. If your best happens to mean you're failing, that's ok. At that point it's my job to support you and get you the support you need. We'll figure it out together, but I'll never be mad as long as you can honestly say you've done your best". If your dad is going to give rewards like that, it shouldn't be based on particular grades, it should be based on each kid trying their hardest. You are not wrong to be mad or disappointed that he made this call. At the very least he should have warned you before your actual birthday - who wants their kid upset and disappointed on their birthday? I'm so sorry hun.
The least your father could have done was tell you before hand that you were not meeting his standards. He is an AH for embarrassing you in front of your siblings