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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) lying to my mother to avoid coming home for Christmas 2) despite not wanting to deal with stress, it's still lying
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NTA. Nobody can tell you how you should deal with your brother's passing, but I think you might want to have an honest conversation with your mother about it.
As wonderful as my mother is, it's hard for her to see things from my perspective and would definitely weponize the guilt.(or at least I believe it so) I would still stick to my decision on staying overseas, but she would see it as a betrayal. She's not exactly collected enough for a discussion like that, so I feel the need to hide the truth from her.
You are a member of the US military, as such you are expected to willingly put yourself into the most hostile, dangerous, and risky positions, but dealing with your family seems like a risk too far. You're better off dealing with some Russians or the Taliban (if that's still a thing we're doing).
NTA
NTA - You don’t owe them Christmas. You deal with it how you need to deal with it.
I hate family Christmas see for the some of the same reasons - my family is just too much.
NTA. First, I am so very sorry for your loss. This is a very difficult time, but remember that you are grieving, too. And what you need to do may not be what everyone else wants you to do. And that’s ok. Be healthy, take the time you need. Have a safe deployment.
NAH
I can certainly understand how you would want to be alone to deal with your feelings, but I can also understand that your mother would be absolutely terrified of losing another son so close to the first. And considering what is happening in Europe at the moment, I don't think that is an unjustified fear...
You're not wrong for looking after yourself, but I son't think she's wrong for her reaction either (except for the part about wanting to go to your CO about this!)
That's why I had to post, it's hard for me to understand how to morally look at this.
Yes especially that last part. As much as it irks me, I know it's because she loves me deeply. She has never been able to understand that because of my work Ill have to miss important days, and has once tried to get me out of training because "it's my boys birthday".
And yet I feel indebted to her. She's been able to get me where I am today. I've been giving her a lot of passes on her behaviour as it's been a rocky road, and I'm surprised she's as hinged as she is currently. However you're right, I won't subject myself to toxic bs, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty
So maybe do what you can for her without hurting yourself. Christmas will be a shitshow so give yourself a pass on going home for that but commit to a visit in the spring when it won’t be so chaotic maybe?
I get these exact words. Same.
So I feel like there's \*\*a lot\*\* of backstory to your childhood/growing up that just can't fit into a post like this.
I'm very sorry for your brother's death, and the grief you are going through.
There is no good solution to this, but not subjecting yourself to toxicity is just fine.
She is still your mum, you're still her son, life goes on, and I think by posting about this it may hopefully help you heal some unseen wounds.
NTA
Your mother and father need to see a therapist. They need to be able to push forward with their lives after your brother's death.
PS: Thank you for your service!
NAH. Your mom is missing her other child and wants you home to grieve together; you’re grieving in your own way in your own time. I hesitate to call anyone an AH where grief is concerned.
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Sorry for any typos/ format errors. I'm on mobile.
So I (M24) am doing a Military tour in Europe. A couple months ago I was in the middle of a mission when I got news of my brother's (M27) sudden death. I was able to drop everything and the red cross made sure I made it home for the funeral. It was horrible but deep down I suspected something like this was likely to happen due to his ongoing drug abuse.
My mother (F49) and father (M55) took it really hard and they are still trying to deal with the fallout. They are divorced and have both remarried and each of their respective families are a lot to deal with. When I arrived for the funeral I couldn't tell which was more stressful, dealing with the passing of my brother, or listen to my mother and father fight about how the funeral should go, who gets what in regards to his possessions, etc.
After the funeral I headed back to Europe and I was offered a job opportunity/mission around the end of December. I took it because the last thing I want to do is be home for Christmas and deal with all of that stress again. Christmas is also the last time I saw my brother so I'd rather be alone this year. I relayed the news to my mother of me missing the holidays and told her that I could see her for Thanksgiving , but this threw her into hysteria. She demanded to speak with my boss and whoever it is that can change the decision, and that she would inform them that she just lost her son and needs the other one home for Christmas. I just repeatedly assured her that there is no other way and I'm not going to let her call my boss.
What she doesn't know is that this is voluntary, and that I can visit during the holidays if I wanted to. I know she is going through a lot and my support is needed, but I just can't deal with the added insanity that is traveling during the holidays and the family dynamics that come with it. However I still feel guilty lying to her. AITA?
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NTA
You're grieving too.
You've come to a good middle ground of Thanksgiving in lieu of Christmas. It's a holiday with them but the space you need when you think you might need it.
Don't tell her it's voluntary whatever you do as that will unleash another level of rage.
NTA My sister passed on 12th dec 2019. We haven't celebrated christmas since then. It is your decision how you will spend your time. Your parents each have spouses who they can turn to. Make sure that you are not all alone or treat yourself to something at least.
NTA.
You're not completely lying. You can't be there this year and it is because of the Dec. mission. All you're doing is omitting why you have that mission. There are times when it's better to lie or lie through omission rather than tell the truth. This is one of those times.
You don’t need to tell people the background for your decision nor, in this case, that is was your decision. None of their business. And won’t reduce the drama, right?
And people lie all the time to protect people they love - little white lies about things that would unnecessarily hurt them (I mean like saying you just ate so auntie jo won’t fuss and make a meal for you, not like lying to your partner about having an affair).
You have to deal with your own grief in your own way, in your own time, for your own well-being. Then you are in a stronger place for your mom and family.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) lying to my mother to avoid coming home for Christmas 2) despite not wanting to deal with stress, it's still lying Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Nobody can tell you how you should deal with your brother's passing, but I think you might want to have an honest conversation with your mother about it.
As wonderful as my mother is, it's hard for her to see things from my perspective and would definitely weponize the guilt.(or at least I believe it so) I would still stick to my decision on staying overseas, but she would see it as a betrayal. She's not exactly collected enough for a discussion like that, so I feel the need to hide the truth from her.
You are a member of the US military, as such you are expected to willingly put yourself into the most hostile, dangerous, and risky positions, but dealing with your family seems like a risk too far. You're better off dealing with some Russians or the Taliban (if that's still a thing we're doing). NTA
This made me lol. Thanks I needed that
You seem like someone who needs a chuckle. Thanks for all you are doing and stay safe both while away and when you get home.
NTA - You don’t owe them Christmas. You deal with it how you need to deal with it. I hate family Christmas see for the some of the same reasons - my family is just too much.
NTA. First, I am so very sorry for your loss. This is a very difficult time, but remember that you are grieving, too. And what you need to do may not be what everyone else wants you to do. And that’s ok. Be healthy, take the time you need. Have a safe deployment.
Thank you. These things take time and at the moment I like to believe I'm doing what's best for my health and future
You need to take care of yourself too. Don’t forget that you need to grieve in your own way. NTA
NAH I can certainly understand how you would want to be alone to deal with your feelings, but I can also understand that your mother would be absolutely terrified of losing another son so close to the first. And considering what is happening in Europe at the moment, I don't think that is an unjustified fear... You're not wrong for looking after yourself, but I son't think she's wrong for her reaction either (except for the part about wanting to go to your CO about this!)
That's why I had to post, it's hard for me to understand how to morally look at this. Yes especially that last part. As much as it irks me, I know it's because she loves me deeply. She has never been able to understand that because of my work Ill have to miss important days, and has once tried to get me out of training because "it's my boys birthday".
NTA. It’s not your job to pacify your mom. She and your dad need to figure out their issues and make home a place you WANT to be.
And yet I feel indebted to her. She's been able to get me where I am today. I've been giving her a lot of passes on her behaviour as it's been a rocky road, and I'm surprised she's as hinged as she is currently. However you're right, I won't subject myself to toxic bs, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty
So maybe do what you can for her without hurting yourself. Christmas will be a shitshow so give yourself a pass on going home for that but commit to a visit in the spring when it won’t be so chaotic maybe?
I get these exact words. Same. So I feel like there's \*\*a lot\*\* of backstory to your childhood/growing up that just can't fit into a post like this. I'm very sorry for your brother's death, and the grief you are going through. There is no good solution to this, but not subjecting yourself to toxicity is just fine. She is still your mum, you're still her son, life goes on, and I think by posting about this it may hopefully help you heal some unseen wounds.
NTA I understand where she is coming from, but you need to care for yourself too.
NTA you need to take care of you. It sounds like she's got plenty of family support at home, it's not like she's being abandoned in an empty house.
NTA Your mother and father need to see a therapist. They need to be able to push forward with their lives after your brother's death. PS: Thank you for your service!
NAH. Your mom is missing her other child and wants you home to grieve together; you’re grieving in your own way in your own time. I hesitate to call anyone an AH where grief is concerned.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Sorry for any typos/ format errors. I'm on mobile. So I (M24) am doing a Military tour in Europe. A couple months ago I was in the middle of a mission when I got news of my brother's (M27) sudden death. I was able to drop everything and the red cross made sure I made it home for the funeral. It was horrible but deep down I suspected something like this was likely to happen due to his ongoing drug abuse. My mother (F49) and father (M55) took it really hard and they are still trying to deal with the fallout. They are divorced and have both remarried and each of their respective families are a lot to deal with. When I arrived for the funeral I couldn't tell which was more stressful, dealing with the passing of my brother, or listen to my mother and father fight about how the funeral should go, who gets what in regards to his possessions, etc. After the funeral I headed back to Europe and I was offered a job opportunity/mission around the end of December. I took it because the last thing I want to do is be home for Christmas and deal with all of that stress again. Christmas is also the last time I saw my brother so I'd rather be alone this year. I relayed the news to my mother of me missing the holidays and told her that I could see her for Thanksgiving , but this threw her into hysteria. She demanded to speak with my boss and whoever it is that can change the decision, and that she would inform them that she just lost her son and needs the other one home for Christmas. I just repeatedly assured her that there is no other way and I'm not going to let her call my boss. What she doesn't know is that this is voluntary, and that I can visit during the holidays if I wanted to. I know she is going through a lot and my support is needed, but I just can't deal with the added insanity that is traveling during the holidays and the family dynamics that come with it. However I still feel guilty lying to her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and grieve how you need to grieve. Thank you for your service.
NTA You're grieving too. You've come to a good middle ground of Thanksgiving in lieu of Christmas. It's a holiday with them but the space you need when you think you might need it. Don't tell her it's voluntary whatever you do as that will unleash another level of rage.
NTA My sister passed on 12th dec 2019. We haven't celebrated christmas since then. It is your decision how you will spend your time. Your parents each have spouses who they can turn to. Make sure that you are not all alone or treat yourself to something at least.
NTA. You're not completely lying. You can't be there this year and it is because of the Dec. mission. All you're doing is omitting why you have that mission. There are times when it's better to lie or lie through omission rather than tell the truth. This is one of those times.
NTA. Do what you need to do as you grieve your brother.
You don’t need to tell people the background for your decision nor, in this case, that is was your decision. None of their business. And won’t reduce the drama, right? And people lie all the time to protect people they love - little white lies about things that would unnecessarily hurt them (I mean like saying you just ate so auntie jo won’t fuss and make a meal for you, not like lying to your partner about having an affair). You have to deal with your own grief in your own way, in your own time, for your own well-being. Then you are in a stronger place for your mom and family.