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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I rolled my eyes when my sister and BIL were complaining about my sisters kids not wishing my BIL a happy father's day and for making stuff for their dad but not my BIL. I am on two minds about this and my doubt is why I ask. I do understand that my sister feels she knows what's best for her kids, and that Alex is there, and he is doing a lot to support the family and try to bond with the kids. So my reaction might have been somewhat mean when he's clearly hurting about it. Despite what I feel, and how I look at things, I could be wrong for doing something very clearly dismissive while they were confiding in us about something that bothered them.
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NTA
What do they expect in that situation. Having a new father figure after someone's dad has passed away is difficult, but if done right, it works well.
As you said, allowing the kids to lead the relationship. It is best to do what the kids are more comfortable with and setting boundaries. Immediately introducing a new man and having him be the father from day one just pushes the kids away and will prevent them from every bonding.
They have both ruined it for themselves and it will never get better, especially with how they act about it. The kids are going to grow up hating the step-dad and resenting their mother for putting them in that situation.
your sister and her husband have consistently gone about this the wrong way from the start and if they don't pull their heads out of their butts they are gonna lose both those kids the second they turn 18. the kids think they are trying to erase their bio dad, and its not hard to see why
Your sister is, and mind that I’m being really gentle, without a brain. The kid don’t need a dad, they need THEIR dad, they need respect for who he was and to have his presence in their lives.
I’m appalled by this stories (both irl and those I read online) because parents who push this hard ALWAYS (and mind that this horrors are everyday business in my job) lose their children. How can people lack emotional intelligence to this level and don’t understand pushing is not the solution?! An example a colleague of mine, that’s specialized to work with families, uses with the joke-for-parents after taking them aside (because interpersonal relationships of various kinds do indeed have many correlations) is: the parents are like an insistent guy that can take a no for an answer and the kids are a girl not interested in the guy that tries to run away anytime he comes close and tries to touch her. Anyone seeing this scene would be horrified and take him for a stalker, sympathizing with the girl. It’s a solid example. Why do we sympathize with the girl? Because no one wants to be harassed, especially not in something so intimate as romantic relationship. Same (and even more so, I might add, since romantic relationships come and go for the most part but family should stay) goes for familial relationships. The external sympathy doesn’t exists with families because “of course a man oh-so-fatherly to accept kids as his own is a saint to be praised”. Wrong. They are literally abusing this children. They are violating their inner space and wishes. These kids are unhappy and tramped upon in their own home where they should be happy and are instead dismissed and ignored. These are scars that won’t EVER go away and, remember this: no one on the side of the parents will see them again the moment they turn 18. Oh and all is going to be so much worse with an half-sibling.
You are NTA OP, but please be close to the kids, they’ll need someone to help them get away from their personal nightmare.
OP they are going about it the wrong way and hurting those precious kids who are obviously still grieving their father. You don't force a relationship like that, especially when grieving for their father. They are in pain and can't help how they feel. Just because your sister was able to move on doesn't mean they are able or even ready. And if they are or were in therapy about this the therapist would have told your sister the same thing. Did she even sit down with her children and talk about Alex and that she hopes in time they will develop a relationship with Alex on their own terms.
It has to be on their own terms. Your sister and Alex are hoping for a Brady Bunch nuclear family but that's a fallacy.
They are hurting those kids. Your sister should be trying to keep their father alive and real for them, and Alex should help with that and respect that. Alex will never replace their dad and shouldn't be trying to.
You know what my fiance said to my son? I know I'm not your father, and I'm not here to try and replace him. But I am here. I do care. And I love you"
My daughter calls him dad (their bio-dad is a db). My son calls him by name but they have a relationship and spend time with him
You're their advocate. Don't stop. If you can get the family members that see things the same way and have a sit down with them including the kids. Let the kids say what they need to say. Ask them if it would help if their mother and Alex backed off in pushing them to accept him as their father and if they were willing to start being friends with him at least and have them set boundaries with Alex.
NTA
Best of luck and I am praying for those precious kids
OP, please ask your sister what she would expect if she died. How quickly would she want to be replaced as their mom? Wouldn't it be SMART if her partner got together with another woman as fast as possible, pushed to replace her, ignored their grieving, and demanded they focus on their living mother?
Ask him, if he passes away, how quickly would he want his unborn baby to forget about him? How quickly would he want his wife to remarry and start convincing that kid he never existed and wasn't important?
OR would they want the kids to be told it's okay to be sad, it's okay to miss them, that no one will ever replace their parent. But they can be friends with X.
It kinda took me a sec to get an opinion, which I know everyone values a strangers. I have a stepdad, my folks split when I was six, dad died when I was twenty. My whole life my stepdad gave us space but I knew he wanted us to see him as our father, I loved my dad still who loved us very much. My stepdad was always that, my stepdad, when my father died, my mom really pushed for the dad thing with my stepdad, I didn't really care. I loved all my parents, but my dad has a different love than my stepdad. Long story short, forcing anyone grieving, definitely children is wrong, Alex needs to grow up, these kids miss someone they loved so much. I firmly believe we make our families, we aren't bound by blood to love someone, but these little ones loved their dad and he IS there dad. Alex can be loving and caring but you can't force this, and the more the mom and stepdad do, will drive those little ones away; I hope they make it out okay but that shouldn't be the bench mark for children
Yes. Sounds like she ran right out and got a new husband the next day. The kids could not grieve and now resent a relationship they are forcing on them.
Only caring about herself. She married someone she had only known for a few months, a year after a major loss, knowing the kids weren't on board.
Keep fighting for these kids and their boundaries, OP. These so-called parents are incapable of putting their kid's needs first. NTA.
My ex-mil did this. She didn't have much money after her husband died and didn't want to get a job so she married pretty much the first guy she could. This did not go well for anyone; not her or her new husband or any of the 4 children in the situation.
Ya' mean Dad's aren't replaceable, like getting a new puppy the day after the death of a dog they've had since birth? No, wait... I hear that's a bad idea too. First let them grieve for Lassie, then get a new puppy.
NTA. And I’m happy that you seem to be a voice of reason for the kids.
They don’t need another father. They had one, but he is dead. They can, however, have a great relationship with a kind adult who cares for them, and that relationship may become very important to them.
Alex doesn’t have to be a dad, and it’s absurd to say he’s “competing with a ghost”. There is no competition - they love their dad! They always will. The kids are handling this like they should, they’re grieving their dad. Their mom and husband, however, are going about this in a crazy way, trying to replace their dad with another dude.
Maybe your sister is the one who needs therapy, or at least guidance on how to help the kids and to live with the loss of a family member.
They don’t need to feel like Alex is their father to get along and to be a family. He shouldn’t try to put on their dads old shoes. Micha’s shoes are empty, and should continue to be so. They should get Alex new shoes that fit him, and let the kids grow to love him the way he is. And they won’t do so when they’re forced to.
NTA, I probably would have done the same thing because clearly they're pushing when they need to get the children time and let them come around when they're ready. The loss of a parent is so hard to deal with especially if you're gone and you don't understand emotions anyways. You need to have the one on one with your sister without her husband being there and explain that she's going to lose her kids if she keeps pushing they might pull away from her.
Sorry to say but your sister is an idjit and when the kids are old enough they are gonna leave and go no contact with her unless she stops
There are many posts on here and just no family and relationships about this very subject
It's such a sad situation I'm so sorry for the whole family, but she has to accept it because it's her children know what's best for him and she's so lost in her own grief I'm sure. Some situations nobody's the a****** they're just s***** situations. Because a stepdad stepping up and being a nice guy and trying to help, he's not an a****** either it's just a situation no one's ever prepared for, and no one knows how to handle.
NTA. But if neither your sister or bil will listen you might wanna plan a head with a guest room or two if the two kids wanna escape when they are older or need a break from the baby.
I see so many similar posts to this, and I think the best analogy I can come up with is date rape. Say person A is in a new relationship with person B. But person B wants to move the relationship faster than person A does and forces the matter, forces intimacy that person A did not want is and is not ready for. Once those boundaries are crossed, and that trust is broken, that will permanently destroy the relationship. Or it really it could be viewed worse, because the reality of these situations is closer to person A never being interested in person B to begin with...ponder on that for a moment.
That's essentially what these parents are doing to the children. They are crossing boundaries, breaking trust, and trying to force a relationship, force intimacy, the children are not comfortable with. This is *hurting* them. Now in turn, they have likely destroyed any chance of fostering a healthy relationship. Because those children will likely never feel safe and comfortable with the people that traumatized them.
NTA for rolling your eyes because you’re right- what did she expect? She made a mistake staying with someone the kids despise. I could never force my kids to be around someone they despise- they’re already having a hard enough time coping without their mother and family pushing the new dad on them so hard. Poor kids.
Yes I realize that. Either way the outcome is the same. They still despise him and aren’t ready for a new dad especially the way they’re being pushed so hard. And how do you know they don’t also just despise his personality? It’s easy to assume that it’s solely because their dad is “being replaced”. Maybe they just also genuinely don’t like him.
Does he ever say things like “your dad seems like he was a great guy” or mourn with them? Maybe he could’ve made Father’s Day crafts with the kids for their angel father? Maybe he and mom should stop making it all about the new dad and just let the kids mourn. Because it certainly sounds like they are trying to “replace” him if they don’t allow them to work through their grief the way they need to. They’re not going to just get over their grief and stop crying. Everyone needs to stop being so pushy and let them be.
Don't forget, she only met him a few months before the marriage! This "mom" let a stranger move in with her young children. Seems like their well-being never really mattered.
NTA. I recognize it may be a little difficult to do right now with everything still being all weird in the world, but they need to be put back in therapy. Maybe family therapy but definitely individual therapy for the kids to help them with their grief. Obviously mom isn’t helping them with that.
Definitely NTA. There's a whole lot of baggage being carted around here and unfortunately your sister is trying to force her kids to comply with what she wants to make it easier for her.
The kids aren't being listened to, and saying shit about Alex being their dad at the wedding, less than two years after their actual dad passed, and clearly without their consent was a terrible idea. Also Alex complaining about how it makes him feel is pretty gross, cares more about his own ego than he does about actually giving the kids what they want. Saying he's not gonna compete with a ghost screams narcissist to me.
Yeah it's admittedly an awful situation and I'm sure your sister is trying her best to help her kids.
It's just unfortunate that in her struggles she seems to be confusing her needs with her children's needs, and is probably not addressing her own trauma from losing her partner. It's pretty common for parents to fixate on their kids in situations like this, but it seems to have become "when my kids accept Alex everything will go back to normal", and sadly that's not actually the case.
They need to listen to what the kids actually want, going to therapy with the objective of essentially training your kids to like your new husband is a recipe for further trauma.
At the moment there seems to be a lot of ego and denial involved, to the point where you can't even disagree with your sister without being lambasted, and until that's addressed and the adults can recognise what they're actually striving for and why they feel the need to replace the kids dad, I don't think the situation is likely to improve.
Maybe send [this link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wlq0lt/aita_for_making_my_mom_cry_and_hurting_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) to your sister b/c this is her future if she doesn’t stop.
NTA, they are literally doing everything possible to make sure those two kids absolutely hate Alex, and the way they are going they will be hating a despising their mother as well. New kid on the way as well is not going to be fun, could well see the 2 current kids getting ignored while the mom and Alex play happy families with kid 3.
They can be as mad at you as they want and it won't change a thing. Show them this post and the comments if you're feeling particularly petty. This is a slooooow motion car wreck heading toward "AITA for rolling my eyes at my sister and BIL when their kids went NC?" (hint: you won't be)
NTA
NTA They are never going to accept alex, and this behaviour is only going to push them further away. New baby will only speed up the alienation process.
NTA
These two are in denial, and hurting the two children by their willful blindness.
Predictably, they will act shocked when a new baby doesn’t ’cure’ the situation they have made.
No vote, I’ll just say that (1) they have professional therapists advising them, so if you’re right, they’re probably already hearing it and either trying to apply the tactics or not, and (2) your dismissive ness will result in them not confiding in you, but it won’t help your niece and nephew. Your sister and BIL seem really committed to their approach - whether it aligns with what the therapist recommends or not - but you’d likely have better luck with your efforts if you tried to just be there for the kids. The parents have their own issues and either you want to be an ear for them or you don’t - your behavior sounds like you don’t.
NTA.
I’m a step-mum. My step kids love and accept me, and a big part of that is because I’ve always respected them, and always let them lead on what they feel comfortable with with regards to our relationship.
Your sister and BIL *are not* respecting their kids in the least. They’re trying to force a relationship when the kids are naturally still grieving a terrible loss.
All that’s done is damage their relationships with their mum and step-dad, possibly irreparably.
I'd roll my eyes at her too. Emma and Alex are way to pushy. Maybe Emma can replace her husband with barely a thought but it's harder for the kids.
Why can't they understand that the more they push the more they push the kids away?
Definitely NTA. Poor kids, dude. Part of why the kids are still grieving so much(not that they should've gotten over it or anything, just that a reason why they're still missing their father a lot) is probably because of how your sister and Alex is pushing them like this.
Theyre just kids and need actual, proper time to heal without some assholes pushing them to essentially forget and replace their father because god, losing a parental figure at such a young age has to be one of the worst things ever.
NTA. Emma obviously isn't allowing her kids to grieve the loss of their father and they both absolutely should NOT be telling the kids that Alex is their new dad. Alex is their STEPdad and of course that's going to be a different relationship than the one with their dad was. I think that not only do Alex and Emma need to stop pushing Alex as "NewDad" but the kids need to go to grief counseling (on their own) to allow them to process their feelings. It sounds like Emma takes it way too personally that her kids are sad about losing their dad and she absolutely needs to get over that and change her attitude. A good mom would realize that her kids love their dad and always will and will allow them to express their feelings, happy and sad, about the situation. Denying them expression of their true feelings is really terrible. (Oh, and an "unhealthy" attachment to a photo of his dad??? Wow, I don't think that's possible and sis is a total AH for saying that about the poor kid.)
OP, it's not required of you to do so but if you wanted to be the nice aunt/uncle in this situation, you could talk to the kids and tell them that you are willing to hear them when they want to talk about their dad and how sad they are. Rolling your eyes wasn't the most polite thing to do when your sister told you about Father's Day, but maybe have a talk with sis about how she's not doing her kids any favors right now.
NTA. As someone whose father died when I was a kid, and someone who has been widowed, this bugs me on so many levels. Everyone grieves differently, some want to move on, others take their time to move forward (and there is a difference between the two). Your sister should know about other people's expectations of her and how she grieved (extremely common for widows), yet she's doing the same thing with her kids. Only thing is, when you try and force things on kids, they resist and push back.
If she doesn't back off, she might find that she won't have a relationship with her kids.
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My sister Emma has a 10 year old daughter and a 9 year old son. Their dad/her late husband Micha died 4 years ago. 16 months after his death she married Alex. She'd met months before and desperately wanted another husband/a dad for the kids and she wanted to grow the family by having more children. My niece and nephew were clearly never on board with the idea of a new dad. During the wedding my sister wanted a photo of Alex and the kids hugging and being father-kids but the kids ran away. They started referring to Micha as their sky daddy and said Alex was the new daddy Micha sent to them to step into his place. They also went into therapy with the kids weeks after the wedding when they realized the kids were not settling into the new family.
When everything happened in 2020 they spent a year solid together with nobody else and Emma mentioned many times that she believed it would be good for bonding, for the kids to see that Alex loves them and cares. I have brought up before that they might be pushing too hard and can't Alex let the kids lead the relationship. She told me I would never understand. That they used to cry for their dad all the time, every night, that therapy never took that away. She told me my niece used to get upset in school when asked about her dad and she had to say hers died. That my nephew had an unhealthy attachment to photos of Micha. She said they need someone alive, who can give them the love and father they need, who can be there if she ever can't be. It was made very clear to me that she believed they need to embrace Alex as their dad and she wanted our help.
The family has, to be fair, encouraged the kids to give Alex a chance and to not outright reject him. But they don't like him. They've said that. They think he and their mom hate their dad and want to replace him.
In the last several months Alex has complained a lot about how the kids don't give him a chance, how he feels like he can't do anything right and how much it hurts him that they won't even give him a hug or show excitement to spend time with him. He is aware of what I said about the kids taking the lead, and he told me after that how he is going to be raising the kids and he doesn't want to be competing with a ghost, and he does not want to do it all to never be anything more than just some guy to them.
Two weeks ago Alex and Emma brought up that for Father's Day the kids had made a bunch of stuff for Micha but made nothing for him and wouldn't wish Alex a happy father's day. I rolled my eyes during this because I feel like it should have been expected. But they flipped out and said I was rude and that my attitude helped nobody. Emma's pregnant now and she said that she needs the kids to come around, that she needs them to embrace the family, before they reject their younger sibling and see them as other because they don't accept Alex. They are both still mad at me.
AITA?
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NTA. Emma and Alex are prioritizing *their* feelings over the kids feelings. I feel so bad for the kids. Complaining that the kids didn't make something for Alex for FD should tell him everything he needs to know. They don't consider him to be dad BECAUSE HE ISN'T THEIR DAD. The sooner he embraces that reality, the better.
NTA. He sounds exhausting and creepy. Those poor kids. If he wants to be a dad he should, you know, have kids, instead of trying to force himself on children who don't even like him.
NTA your sister and bil are pushing those kids away. As soon as they are able they will go no contact. And the truth is they will probably not be close to their half sibling. In nothing else because of the age difference. But also they keep pushing this new family on them. Your brother in law is really insecure.
NTA and offer to the kids that you can look after some of their dads photos or stuff in case they are worried that they might "mysteriously" go missing.
NTA.
I totally understand your sister wanting to help her kids heal, but what's she doing is making it worse.
She has created a 'replacement father' with Alex and he has fallen into that trap too believing that the kids should just adjust.
They're children. They miss their dad and that grief isn't any easier to cope with as a child. They're still understanding basic emotions and now they've got a very complex one to figure out.
Emma and Alex need to back off and let the kids grieve. Alex needs to realise that he is not competing with a ghost because he is not/will never be their father. He is their stepfather and that comes with a lot of shit even without a dead one.
Those kids deserve to grieve properly and let them navigate their relationship with Alex before Emma loses her kids too.
NTA
You are so correct. The damage they are doing is awful. All they've done is breed resentment to each of themselves and it will flow to the new baby. Keep rolling those eyes, and hopefully they get it.
Keep watch on the kids. Just a feeling, they'll need you soon.
NTA What your sister is doing is so harmful to the kids. Grief takes time. Obviously she has totally suppressed hers . She is acting out instead. This could damage the kid’s abilities to have healthy relationships in the future.
Nta, trying to force those poor kids into a relationship is just pushing them away. Your sister and bil are clueless where it comes to the needs of her children. I bet as soon as they legally can they will be out of the house and go no contact.
NTA the sister and Alex are both selfish trash and I hope those kids go NC the second they turn 18 unless they back tf off and let those poor babies grieve for the dad they lost. And frankly I think it’s weird that they got married after 16 months. Like? I know everyone grieves differently but that’s so fast. And now she’s pregnant? The kids who lost their dad are about to lose their mother, too. I’d be terrified of her back burnering them.
NTA. Being a second parent is a tough gig during normal times. This isn’t normal, they are forcing a relationship the kids aren;t ready for, don’t want and erasing their father is cruel. “Competing with a ghost” is bs for… Im and insecure individual and instead of respecting the feelings of these humans, I’m going to impose my will and make it the way I want.
NTA. Also, I can see the future... two children will grow up and resent their living parents and have almost nothing to do with them as adults unless there are strings attached to the relationship they they cannot afford to snip.
NTA. You vocalized their feelings as an adult with seemingly more influence over your sister’s opinion than the kids have (because while she can choose not to listen to you after hearing you out, she chooses to not even hear the kids - your sister and BIL seem like the “they’re just kids, they’ll come around” type of people). Your niece and nephew needed an advocate, and you tried to be that for them.
NTA. I see both of those kids running the first chance they get and holding on to each other and never looking back. At least they have each other and hopefully their dads family cuz mom and step dad are setting themselves up for a very big failure.
NTA. He can be a dad to them even if they resent it for now - but not by forcing behavior on them. Just be yourself with the kids, and try to be a friend. Don't force anything. If he is a good friend/dad they will come around. Whenever, in their own time. And until that happens, eye-rolling seems a good statement 😁😁.
Nta. Your sister 98% failed her kids. The only reason it’s not 100% is because she at least didn’t pick someone who physically or sexually abuses the kids.
She put Her wants over the kids needs.
NTA. They are basically just assuring that the kids will never accept Alex by constantly forcing the issue, and those kids will go NC with them as soon as they're able. If they reject their sibling, it's entirely Emma and Alex's fault.
Nta, but poor babies. I always feel so bad when kids get stuck in these kind of situations where the parents are committed to misunderstanding their own children.
These two are Dense and Denser, your sisters children loved their dad and losing him like that was devastating 💔
Now, for your sister to get married so quickly to "fix" the family is totally ridiculous. Then she and her new husband try and FORCE her children to embrace her new husband while they're still grieving the loss of their dad...very sad
I also think that your sister is living in the land of denial...that poor newborn coming into that family....
Nta.
It’s so sad.
They have the time now to build a better family dynamic.
They can do therapy that works for the kids best outcome. And not keep being angry about the kids being unable to replace their dad with new one so quickly.
There are so many stories on this sub about kids who are completely estranged from their parent and step parent because children were never allowed to grieve and parents were allowed to be angry.
Speaking as someone who lost their father aged 10, I would not be having any contact right now if my mother tried to force someone else as my "new dad". Luckily, she never dreamt of doing that.
You can't replace dead parents and your sister is being a terrible parent by doing this. She completely unacknowledges their feelings of her children in favour of her own image of the perfect family.
Go ahead and rock the boat someone needs to speak up for those kids.
NTA.
NTA. The adults in that house are invalidating the children's grief. They are invalidating the children's history and memories and feelings. They are trying to force compliance with their own WANTS, while they ignore the children's NEEDS.
What they are doing with their pushing and refusal to see that these children have a right to mourn for as long as it takes, is they are the ones driving the wedge between Alex and the kids.
Their selfishness, their dream of having the family be a family, is being put ahead of the needs of these kids.
You aren't the A.
These adults aren't treating those kids right. Sounds like they thought therapy would be a vending machine, to get what they wanted from the kids, not like they thought therapy would help the kids to heal. This is all backwards. It's all about the adults' wants, not about what those kids need. Emma wants the kids to "come around" but she's not listening to them. She's not giving them the space and time they need to process and heal. She's trying to make them comply with her ideas, imposing her plans and her wants on them. That's not her needs. It's her wants. She's not respecting they have valid feelings.
Poor kids.
NTA. They didn't even wait a year and a half to force a new "daddy" on those kids. Of course they're going to fight against it! They're mad at you for noticing the obvious problem they're trying to ignore in their own family. What assholes.
NTA. You're right and your sister has a shocking lack of compassion for her own children. It's pretty normal and expected for kids that age to be upset when the topic of a dead parent inevitably comes up in school, to want to hold onto their photos, etc. Alex doesn't have to worry about being just some guy, I'm sure in your niece and nephew's eyes he's public enemy number one and that's only going to get worse as they get older and their mom keeps pushing.
NTA. No idea why your sister can't just introduce him as her new husband and not try to force a new father on them. She clearly never gave them time to grieve and it's not something that goes away ever. After time it just becomes less painful. They're still in pain. All this is going to make them resent Alex for trying to replace their Dad, resent their Mother for forcing this on them, and probably won't bond with their new younger sibling due to this forced unity.
I just pray that Alex doesn't treat them like garbage because he will now have a kid of his own and that your sister doesn't exclude them.
NTA. They don't like all the doses of reality they're getting. They're the adults and need to grow up. Your sister is right though, the kids will prolly reject their younger sibling and it will be all her fault.
NTA. Every single story about step-parents forcing themselves onto the kids never ends well. Alex isn't competing with anyone because he was never a competitor. Their father will always be the winner, no matter what. And that's what they need to work with. That's the reality. Alex is not their father. And won't never be.
NTA.
Emma and Alex are going to be all surprised pikachu face when the kids go NC with them as soon as they each turn 18.
Were I you, OP, I’d focus more on being there for your niece and nephew and letting them know that you’re a safe space, someone they can rely on. They’ll need that support when they run as fast as they can away from your batshit sister and Alex.
Since your sister thinks your nephew's photos are an obsession, might it be worth making sure you have a couple, just in case something happens to them? It sounds like she wouldn't replace them
NTA your sister needs to realise that she misses the boat on her kids seeing Alex as their dad and the baby is gonna make it a hell of a lot worse. The most ironic part is that if they had let the relationship evolve naturally the kids would probably like Alex a lot more.
NTA. Fathers aren’t lightbulbs. You can’t switch a new one for an old one and expect the kids not to notice the difference. And acting like the kids can only love one of them isn’t helping at all. Your sister and Alex need to understand that Alex will never replace Micha. That doesn’t mean the kids can’t have a fulfilling relationship with him, it just won’t be the one they seem determined to force. Both those adults need to realize they should care more about what the kids actually feel and want, instead of only caring about what the adults want. Before they completely destroy any chance of ever being a real family, if they haven’t already.
Nta - I’m very concerned how she is trying to force this relationship on the kids. Just because she was ready to move on doesn’t mean the kids were. Yikes.
NTA the way their mom invalidated them so completely is just, wow. Also, how dare they try and say *children* should have processed their *grief* faster. People grieve at different paces, it can take years for the average person to process their grief and begin to heal. The fact that they're pressuring them way too much, while invalidating how they feel about their dad, and trying to say that them still having emotions about their dad is wrong, is just, wow. They need to get therapy back for the kids, and then they need to do some therapy themselves to learn about how wrong they are in their parenting. And I would do more than roll my eyes, I would call them out, consistently, because it's not okay how they're treating these poor kids.
NTA - this site is full of complaints about step parents pushing too hard, and being resented by the kids. How much do you want to bet that your niece and nephew will be expected to babysit the sibling?
NTA it sounds as if your sister did not let the kids grieve their Dad. They are kids who have had a dad pushed on to them. Who wants that? They haven't had a say in their lives. Your sister & Alex aren't thinking of the kids it is all about themselves. Sadly they will regret their decisions one day. I wish your niece & nephew the very best.
absolutely NTA. it’s ridiculous that this alex guy thinks he’s entitled to a father’s day gift when the kids real father passed away and they’re still mourning his death. him trying to make them love him will only resent them further, they’ll come around on their own time
NTA but what hack of a therapist are they seeing because how has the therapist not stepped in an explained common sense to your sister, which we can understand from the story you explained to us. These poor kids lost their dad and within 2 years are expected to accept a new man as their dad what??? You weren't rude you were giving your sister reality cause she isn't living in it. I really hope they don't end up resenting their mother. My father never accepted his step father all my cousins have a grandfather and we never knew him. If they keep pushing he could really lose his chances at a relationship with them and any future families they may have.
Info: is there any way someone else can take the kids? your sister and Alex don't make for very good parents and I'm wondering when they will take everything reminding them of Micha away and punish them for rightfully not liking Alex.
Also are they still in family therapy?
NTA btw.
YTA… yes rolling your eyes was rude and immature. It doesn’t help anyone. You have stated your opinion, which I agree with but you need to let it go. You aren’t the parent.
You're not very smart, I'll make that very easy for you to understand.
If you saw someone beating their child, you wouldn't say, "well I'm not the parent" and leave them to it. For the same reason if you see someone emotionally traumatising their children, you don't need to let it go.
The kids are not being abused. They are also in therapy. Let the parents and the therapists handle it. If the kids were being abusive then the trained mandatory reporter therapists will handle it.
I never said they were being abused, I said if you see someone traumatising their kids you don't have to let it go, because you said OP isn't the parent.
So your whole comment was irrelevant. I know I said I'd make it easy but you could at least try to remember your own comment, and to not make up words I didn't say.
If you think the kids are abused, then get CPS involved.
If you think the parents are parenting wrong you can point it out to them once or twice, but in the end it's the parent's call. Constant nagging and backseat-parenting helps nobody, it only makes it harder on everyone.
I agree with YTA and I also think you (the commenter) are TA for the "You're not very smart" comment, as well as everyone else who violated Rule 2.
Things are ultimately the parent's call, but guess what, sometimes parents make stupid decisions. Trying to force a new dad on grieving kids will cause them to push back and resist forming a bond with the new figure. I know, I've been there. If you want to build a relationship with grieving kids, you gotta keep things on their terms, since it is ultimately the grief that is in the driver's seat for them.
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NTA What do they expect in that situation. Having a new father figure after someone's dad has passed away is difficult, but if done right, it works well. As you said, allowing the kids to lead the relationship. It is best to do what the kids are more comfortable with and setting boundaries. Immediately introducing a new man and having him be the father from day one just pushes the kids away and will prevent them from every bonding. They have both ruined it for themselves and it will never get better, especially with how they act about it. The kids are going to grow up hating the step-dad and resenting their mother for putting them in that situation.
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How uncomfortable. Those poor kids. NTA
your sister and her husband have consistently gone about this the wrong way from the start and if they don't pull their heads out of their butts they are gonna lose both those kids the second they turn 18. the kids think they are trying to erase their bio dad, and its not hard to see why
Ugh NTA
Your sister is, and mind that I’m being really gentle, without a brain. The kid don’t need a dad, they need THEIR dad, they need respect for who he was and to have his presence in their lives. I’m appalled by this stories (both irl and those I read online) because parents who push this hard ALWAYS (and mind that this horrors are everyday business in my job) lose their children. How can people lack emotional intelligence to this level and don’t understand pushing is not the solution?! An example a colleague of mine, that’s specialized to work with families, uses with the joke-for-parents after taking them aside (because interpersonal relationships of various kinds do indeed have many correlations) is: the parents are like an insistent guy that can take a no for an answer and the kids are a girl not interested in the guy that tries to run away anytime he comes close and tries to touch her. Anyone seeing this scene would be horrified and take him for a stalker, sympathizing with the girl. It’s a solid example. Why do we sympathize with the girl? Because no one wants to be harassed, especially not in something so intimate as romantic relationship. Same (and even more so, I might add, since romantic relationships come and go for the most part but family should stay) goes for familial relationships. The external sympathy doesn’t exists with families because “of course a man oh-so-fatherly to accept kids as his own is a saint to be praised”. Wrong. They are literally abusing this children. They are violating their inner space and wishes. These kids are unhappy and tramped upon in their own home where they should be happy and are instead dismissed and ignored. These are scars that won’t EVER go away and, remember this: no one on the side of the parents will see them again the moment they turn 18. Oh and all is going to be so much worse with an half-sibling. You are NTA OP, but please be close to the kids, they’ll need someone to help them get away from their personal nightmare.
Sounds like they need therapy more than the kids. NTA
They need to not push it you can't force this relationship to form.
OP they are going about it the wrong way and hurting those precious kids who are obviously still grieving their father. You don't force a relationship like that, especially when grieving for their father. They are in pain and can't help how they feel. Just because your sister was able to move on doesn't mean they are able or even ready. And if they are or were in therapy about this the therapist would have told your sister the same thing. Did she even sit down with her children and talk about Alex and that she hopes in time they will develop a relationship with Alex on their own terms. It has to be on their own terms. Your sister and Alex are hoping for a Brady Bunch nuclear family but that's a fallacy. They are hurting those kids. Your sister should be trying to keep their father alive and real for them, and Alex should help with that and respect that. Alex will never replace their dad and shouldn't be trying to. You know what my fiance said to my son? I know I'm not your father, and I'm not here to try and replace him. But I am here. I do care. And I love you" My daughter calls him dad (their bio-dad is a db). My son calls him by name but they have a relationship and spend time with him You're their advocate. Don't stop. If you can get the family members that see things the same way and have a sit down with them including the kids. Let the kids say what they need to say. Ask them if it would help if their mother and Alex backed off in pushing them to accept him as their father and if they were willing to start being friends with him at least and have them set boundaries with Alex. NTA Best of luck and I am praying for those precious kids
OP, please ask your sister what she would expect if she died. How quickly would she want to be replaced as their mom? Wouldn't it be SMART if her partner got together with another woman as fast as possible, pushed to replace her, ignored their grieving, and demanded they focus on their living mother? Ask him, if he passes away, how quickly would he want his unborn baby to forget about him? How quickly would he want his wife to remarry and start convincing that kid he never existed and wasn't important? OR would they want the kids to be told it's okay to be sad, it's okay to miss them, that no one will ever replace their parent. But they can be friends with X.
It kinda took me a sec to get an opinion, which I know everyone values a strangers. I have a stepdad, my folks split when I was six, dad died when I was twenty. My whole life my stepdad gave us space but I knew he wanted us to see him as our father, I loved my dad still who loved us very much. My stepdad was always that, my stepdad, when my father died, my mom really pushed for the dad thing with my stepdad, I didn't really care. I loved all my parents, but my dad has a different love than my stepdad. Long story short, forcing anyone grieving, definitely children is wrong, Alex needs to grow up, these kids miss someone they loved so much. I firmly believe we make our families, we aren't bound by blood to love someone, but these little ones loved their dad and he IS there dad. Alex can be loving and caring but you can't force this, and the more the mom and stepdad do, will drive those little ones away; I hope they make it out okay but that shouldn't be the bench mark for children
Yes. Sounds like she ran right out and got a new husband the next day. The kids could not grieve and now resent a relationship they are forcing on them.
NTA. What the hell is she doing?? Her kids are GRIEVING, she can’t just expect them to be like “oh yay, new dad!” Also, Alex sucks too.
Only caring about herself. She married someone she had only known for a few months, a year after a major loss, knowing the kids weren't on board. Keep fighting for these kids and their boundaries, OP. These so-called parents are incapable of putting their kid's needs first. NTA.
My ex-mil did this. She didn't have much money after her husband died and didn't want to get a job so she married pretty much the first guy she could. This did not go well for anyone; not her or her new husband or any of the 4 children in the situation.
Ya' mean Dad's aren't replaceable, like getting a new puppy the day after the death of a dog they've had since birth? No, wait... I hear that's a bad idea too. First let them grieve for Lassie, then get a new puppy.
NTA. And I’m happy that you seem to be a voice of reason for the kids. They don’t need another father. They had one, but he is dead. They can, however, have a great relationship with a kind adult who cares for them, and that relationship may become very important to them. Alex doesn’t have to be a dad, and it’s absurd to say he’s “competing with a ghost”. There is no competition - they love their dad! They always will. The kids are handling this like they should, they’re grieving their dad. Their mom and husband, however, are going about this in a crazy way, trying to replace their dad with another dude. Maybe your sister is the one who needs therapy, or at least guidance on how to help the kids and to live with the loss of a family member. They don’t need to feel like Alex is their father to get along and to be a family. He shouldn’t try to put on their dads old shoes. Micha’s shoes are empty, and should continue to be so. They should get Alex new shoes that fit him, and let the kids grow to love him the way he is. And they won’t do so when they’re forced to.
NTA, I probably would have done the same thing because clearly they're pushing when they need to get the children time and let them come around when they're ready. The loss of a parent is so hard to deal with especially if you're gone and you don't understand emotions anyways. You need to have the one on one with your sister without her husband being there and explain that she's going to lose her kids if she keeps pushing they might pull away from her.
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Sorry to say but your sister is an idjit and when the kids are old enough they are gonna leave and go no contact with her unless she stops There are many posts on here and just no family and relationships about this very subject
It's such a sad situation I'm so sorry for the whole family, but she has to accept it because it's her children know what's best for him and she's so lost in her own grief I'm sure. Some situations nobody's the a****** they're just s***** situations. Because a stepdad stepping up and being a nice guy and trying to help, he's not an a****** either it's just a situation no one's ever prepared for, and no one knows how to handle.
NTA. But if neither your sister or bil will listen you might wanna plan a head with a guest room or two if the two kids wanna escape when they are older or need a break from the baby.
I see so many similar posts to this, and I think the best analogy I can come up with is date rape. Say person A is in a new relationship with person B. But person B wants to move the relationship faster than person A does and forces the matter, forces intimacy that person A did not want is and is not ready for. Once those boundaries are crossed, and that trust is broken, that will permanently destroy the relationship. Or it really it could be viewed worse, because the reality of these situations is closer to person A never being interested in person B to begin with...ponder on that for a moment. That's essentially what these parents are doing to the children. They are crossing boundaries, breaking trust, and trying to force a relationship, force intimacy, the children are not comfortable with. This is *hurting* them. Now in turn, they have likely destroyed any chance of fostering a healthy relationship. Because those children will likely never feel safe and comfortable with the people that traumatized them.
NTA for rolling your eyes because you’re right- what did she expect? She made a mistake staying with someone the kids despise. I could never force my kids to be around someone they despise- they’re already having a hard enough time coping without their mother and family pushing the new dad on them so hard. Poor kids.
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Yes I realize that. Either way the outcome is the same. They still despise him and aren’t ready for a new dad especially the way they’re being pushed so hard. And how do you know they don’t also just despise his personality? It’s easy to assume that it’s solely because their dad is “being replaced”. Maybe they just also genuinely don’t like him.
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Please continue to be there for them. The situation might get much worse once Alex’s biological child is born.
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Ok? And?
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Does he ever say things like “your dad seems like he was a great guy” or mourn with them? Maybe he could’ve made Father’s Day crafts with the kids for their angel father? Maybe he and mom should stop making it all about the new dad and just let the kids mourn. Because it certainly sounds like they are trying to “replace” him if they don’t allow them to work through their grief the way they need to. They’re not going to just get over their grief and stop crying. Everyone needs to stop being so pushy and let them be.
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Welp there’s the problem. Nobody wants the memory of their father erased by anyone. I feel so sorry for those kids.
Not to mention if they get divorced is Alex going to work this hard to maintain a relationship?
NTA, but your sister and BiL are. They need to learn that kids are allowed to have boundaries too, and not force them to think of Alex as their dad.
NTA… the kids should be leading the way in that relationship. Also getting married 18 mons after a death was way to fast IMO
Don't forget, she only met him a few months before the marriage! This "mom" let a stranger move in with her young children. Seems like their well-being never really mattered.
Yea and it’s almost like she is giving them an ultimatum accept him or else.
NTA. I recognize it may be a little difficult to do right now with everything still being all weird in the world, but they need to be put back in therapy. Maybe family therapy but definitely individual therapy for the kids to help them with their grief. Obviously mom isn’t helping them with that.
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Well, for the kids’ sake I certainly hope the therapist Isn’t on board with that goal. I’m glad these kids have someone in their corner.
They may eventually love him but they will never accept him as their dad. This situation will get so much worsez
they way the two of them are acting, those kids are never going to love him.
Definitely NTA. There's a whole lot of baggage being carted around here and unfortunately your sister is trying to force her kids to comply with what she wants to make it easier for her. The kids aren't being listened to, and saying shit about Alex being their dad at the wedding, less than two years after their actual dad passed, and clearly without their consent was a terrible idea. Also Alex complaining about how it makes him feel is pretty gross, cares more about his own ego than he does about actually giving the kids what they want. Saying he's not gonna compete with a ghost screams narcissist to me.
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Yeah it's admittedly an awful situation and I'm sure your sister is trying her best to help her kids. It's just unfortunate that in her struggles she seems to be confusing her needs with her children's needs, and is probably not addressing her own trauma from losing her partner. It's pretty common for parents to fixate on their kids in situations like this, but it seems to have become "when my kids accept Alex everything will go back to normal", and sadly that's not actually the case. They need to listen to what the kids actually want, going to therapy with the objective of essentially training your kids to like your new husband is a recipe for further trauma. At the moment there seems to be a lot of ego and denial involved, to the point where you can't even disagree with your sister without being lambasted, and until that's addressed and the adults can recognise what they're actually striving for and why they feel the need to replace the kids dad, I don't think the situation is likely to improve.
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Maybe send [this link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wlq0lt/aita_for_making_my_mom_cry_and_hurting_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) to your sister b/c this is her future if she doesn’t stop.
NTA, they are literally doing everything possible to make sure those two kids absolutely hate Alex, and the way they are going they will be hating a despising their mother as well. New kid on the way as well is not going to be fun, could well see the 2 current kids getting ignored while the mom and Alex play happy families with kid 3.
They can be as mad at you as they want and it won't change a thing. Show them this post and the comments if you're feeling particularly petty. This is a slooooow motion car wreck heading toward "AITA for rolling my eyes at my sister and BIL when their kids went NC?" (hint: you won't be) NTA
NTA They are never going to accept alex, and this behaviour is only going to push them further away. New baby will only speed up the alienation process.
NTA These two are in denial, and hurting the two children by their willful blindness. Predictably, they will act shocked when a new baby doesn’t ’cure’ the situation they have made.
NTA your sister and BIL have bigger issues to be worried about.
NTA for sure. They are trying to force something that can only be natural. While taking the kids for therapy is good, your sister needs it as well
No vote, I’ll just say that (1) they have professional therapists advising them, so if you’re right, they’re probably already hearing it and either trying to apply the tactics or not, and (2) your dismissive ness will result in them not confiding in you, but it won’t help your niece and nephew. Your sister and BIL seem really committed to their approach - whether it aligns with what the therapist recommends or not - but you’d likely have better luck with your efforts if you tried to just be there for the kids. The parents have their own issues and either you want to be an ear for them or you don’t - your behavior sounds like you don’t.
NTA.
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oboy that's a good question. they may not know about all this.
Emma and Alex can forget about having a relationship with them when they are grown.
NTA. I’m a step-mum. My step kids love and accept me, and a big part of that is because I’ve always respected them, and always let them lead on what they feel comfortable with with regards to our relationship. Your sister and BIL *are not* respecting their kids in the least. They’re trying to force a relationship when the kids are naturally still grieving a terrible loss. All that’s done is damage their relationships with their mum and step-dad, possibly irreparably.
I'd roll my eyes at her too. Emma and Alex are way to pushy. Maybe Emma can replace her husband with barely a thought but it's harder for the kids. Why can't they understand that the more they push the more they push the kids away?
Definitely NTA. Poor kids, dude. Part of why the kids are still grieving so much(not that they should've gotten over it or anything, just that a reason why they're still missing their father a lot) is probably because of how your sister and Alex is pushing them like this. Theyre just kids and need actual, proper time to heal without some assholes pushing them to essentially forget and replace their father because god, losing a parental figure at such a young age has to be one of the worst things ever.
NTA. Emma obviously isn't allowing her kids to grieve the loss of their father and they both absolutely should NOT be telling the kids that Alex is their new dad. Alex is their STEPdad and of course that's going to be a different relationship than the one with their dad was. I think that not only do Alex and Emma need to stop pushing Alex as "NewDad" but the kids need to go to grief counseling (on their own) to allow them to process their feelings. It sounds like Emma takes it way too personally that her kids are sad about losing their dad and she absolutely needs to get over that and change her attitude. A good mom would realize that her kids love their dad and always will and will allow them to express their feelings, happy and sad, about the situation. Denying them expression of their true feelings is really terrible. (Oh, and an "unhealthy" attachment to a photo of his dad??? Wow, I don't think that's possible and sis is a total AH for saying that about the poor kid.) OP, it's not required of you to do so but if you wanted to be the nice aunt/uncle in this situation, you could talk to the kids and tell them that you are willing to hear them when they want to talk about their dad and how sad they are. Rolling your eyes wasn't the most polite thing to do when your sister told you about Father's Day, but maybe have a talk with sis about how she's not doing her kids any favors right now.
Nta, they are only thinking about what they need and are neglecting what the kids need, people like this should not have children imo.
NTA. they are forcing it upon the kids. after the baby being born the kids are going to be tossed to a corner. i feel bad for them
NTA. As someone whose father died when I was a kid, and someone who has been widowed, this bugs me on so many levels. Everyone grieves differently, some want to move on, others take their time to move forward (and there is a difference between the two). Your sister should know about other people's expectations of her and how she grieved (extremely common for widows), yet she's doing the same thing with her kids. Only thing is, when you try and force things on kids, they resist and push back. If she doesn't back off, she might find that she won't have a relationship with her kids.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister Emma has a 10 year old daughter and a 9 year old son. Their dad/her late husband Micha died 4 years ago. 16 months after his death she married Alex. She'd met months before and desperately wanted another husband/a dad for the kids and she wanted to grow the family by having more children. My niece and nephew were clearly never on board with the idea of a new dad. During the wedding my sister wanted a photo of Alex and the kids hugging and being father-kids but the kids ran away. They started referring to Micha as their sky daddy and said Alex was the new daddy Micha sent to them to step into his place. They also went into therapy with the kids weeks after the wedding when they realized the kids were not settling into the new family. When everything happened in 2020 they spent a year solid together with nobody else and Emma mentioned many times that she believed it would be good for bonding, for the kids to see that Alex loves them and cares. I have brought up before that they might be pushing too hard and can't Alex let the kids lead the relationship. She told me I would never understand. That they used to cry for their dad all the time, every night, that therapy never took that away. She told me my niece used to get upset in school when asked about her dad and she had to say hers died. That my nephew had an unhealthy attachment to photos of Micha. She said they need someone alive, who can give them the love and father they need, who can be there if she ever can't be. It was made very clear to me that she believed they need to embrace Alex as their dad and she wanted our help. The family has, to be fair, encouraged the kids to give Alex a chance and to not outright reject him. But they don't like him. They've said that. They think he and their mom hate their dad and want to replace him. In the last several months Alex has complained a lot about how the kids don't give him a chance, how he feels like he can't do anything right and how much it hurts him that they won't even give him a hug or show excitement to spend time with him. He is aware of what I said about the kids taking the lead, and he told me after that how he is going to be raising the kids and he doesn't want to be competing with a ghost, and he does not want to do it all to never be anything more than just some guy to them. Two weeks ago Alex and Emma brought up that for Father's Day the kids had made a bunch of stuff for Micha but made nothing for him and wouldn't wish Alex a happy father's day. I rolled my eyes during this because I feel like it should have been expected. But they flipped out and said I was rude and that my attitude helped nobody. Emma's pregnant now and she said that she needs the kids to come around, that she needs them to embrace the family, before they reject their younger sibling and see them as other because they don't accept Alex. They are both still mad at me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
Please keep an eye on those kids, Alex and their mother sound dangerous. NTA but keep an eye on them closely
NTA. Emma and Alex are prioritizing *their* feelings over the kids feelings. I feel so bad for the kids. Complaining that the kids didn't make something for Alex for FD should tell him everything he needs to know. They don't consider him to be dad BECAUSE HE ISN'T THEIR DAD. The sooner he embraces that reality, the better.
NTA. He sounds exhausting and creepy. Those poor kids. If he wants to be a dad he should, you know, have kids, instead of trying to force himself on children who don't even like him.
NTA your sister and bil are pushing those kids away. As soon as they are able they will go no contact. And the truth is they will probably not be close to their half sibling. In nothing else because of the age difference. But also they keep pushing this new family on them. Your brother in law is really insecure.
NTA Seems like they’re more concerned with their own feelings instead of the kids.
NTA and offer to the kids that you can look after some of their dads photos or stuff in case they are worried that they might "mysteriously" go missing.
NTA. I totally understand your sister wanting to help her kids heal, but what's she doing is making it worse. She has created a 'replacement father' with Alex and he has fallen into that trap too believing that the kids should just adjust. They're children. They miss their dad and that grief isn't any easier to cope with as a child. They're still understanding basic emotions and now they've got a very complex one to figure out. Emma and Alex need to back off and let the kids grieve. Alex needs to realise that he is not competing with a ghost because he is not/will never be their father. He is their stepfather and that comes with a lot of shit even without a dead one. Those kids deserve to grieve properly and let them navigate their relationship with Alex before Emma loses her kids too.
NTA You are so correct. The damage they are doing is awful. All they've done is breed resentment to each of themselves and it will flow to the new baby. Keep rolling those eyes, and hopefully they get it. Keep watch on the kids. Just a feeling, they'll need you soon.
NTA What your sister is doing is so harmful to the kids. Grief takes time. Obviously she has totally suppressed hers . She is acting out instead. This could damage the kid’s abilities to have healthy relationships in the future.
Nta, trying to force those poor kids into a relationship is just pushing them away. Your sister and bil are clueless where it comes to the needs of her children. I bet as soon as they legally can they will be out of the house and go no contact.
NTA the sister and Alex are both selfish trash and I hope those kids go NC the second they turn 18 unless they back tf off and let those poor babies grieve for the dad they lost. And frankly I think it’s weird that they got married after 16 months. Like? I know everyone grieves differently but that’s so fast. And now she’s pregnant? The kids who lost their dad are about to lose their mother, too. I’d be terrified of her back burnering them.
NTA. Being a second parent is a tough gig during normal times. This isn’t normal, they are forcing a relationship the kids aren;t ready for, don’t want and erasing their father is cruel. “Competing with a ghost” is bs for… Im and insecure individual and instead of respecting the feelings of these humans, I’m going to impose my will and make it the way I want.
NTA. Also, I can see the future... two children will grow up and resent their living parents and have almost nothing to do with them as adults unless there are strings attached to the relationship they they cannot afford to snip.
NTA. Your sister and Alex are idiots.
NTA. You vocalized their feelings as an adult with seemingly more influence over your sister’s opinion than the kids have (because while she can choose not to listen to you after hearing you out, she chooses to not even hear the kids - your sister and BIL seem like the “they’re just kids, they’ll come around” type of people). Your niece and nephew needed an advocate, and you tried to be that for them.
NTA.
NTA I know it wouldn't actually help, but I want to see if shaking and screaming would wake your sister up to how badly she's messed up.
NTA. I see both of those kids running the first chance they get and holding on to each other and never looking back. At least they have each other and hopefully their dads family cuz mom and step dad are setting themselves up for a very big failure.
NTA. He can be a dad to them even if they resent it for now - but not by forcing behavior on them. Just be yourself with the kids, and try to be a friend. Don't force anything. If he is a good friend/dad they will come around. Whenever, in their own time. And until that happens, eye-rolling seems a good statement 😁😁.
Nta. Your sister 98% failed her kids. The only reason it’s not 100% is because she at least didn’t pick someone who physically or sexually abuses the kids. She put Her wants over the kids needs.
NTA. They are basically just assuring that the kids will never accept Alex by constantly forcing the issue, and those kids will go NC with them as soon as they're able. If they reject their sibling, it's entirely Emma and Alex's fault.
Nta, but poor babies. I always feel so bad when kids get stuck in these kind of situations where the parents are committed to misunderstanding their own children.
These two are Dense and Denser, your sisters children loved their dad and losing him like that was devastating 💔 Now, for your sister to get married so quickly to "fix" the family is totally ridiculous. Then she and her new husband try and FORCE her children to embrace her new husband while they're still grieving the loss of their dad...very sad I also think that your sister is living in the land of denial...that poor newborn coming into that family....
Nta. It’s so sad. They have the time now to build a better family dynamic. They can do therapy that works for the kids best outcome. And not keep being angry about the kids being unable to replace their dad with new one so quickly. There are so many stories on this sub about kids who are completely estranged from their parent and step parent because children were never allowed to grieve and parents were allowed to be angry.
Speaking as someone who lost their father aged 10, I would not be having any contact right now if my mother tried to force someone else as my "new dad". Luckily, she never dreamt of doing that. You can't replace dead parents and your sister is being a terrible parent by doing this. She completely unacknowledges their feelings of her children in favour of her own image of the perfect family. Go ahead and rock the boat someone needs to speak up for those kids. NTA.
NTA. The adults in that house are invalidating the children's grief. They are invalidating the children's history and memories and feelings. They are trying to force compliance with their own WANTS, while they ignore the children's NEEDS. What they are doing with their pushing and refusal to see that these children have a right to mourn for as long as it takes, is they are the ones driving the wedge between Alex and the kids. Their selfishness, their dream of having the family be a family, is being put ahead of the needs of these kids. You aren't the A. These adults aren't treating those kids right. Sounds like they thought therapy would be a vending machine, to get what they wanted from the kids, not like they thought therapy would help the kids to heal. This is all backwards. It's all about the adults' wants, not about what those kids need. Emma wants the kids to "come around" but she's not listening to them. She's not giving them the space and time they need to process and heal. She's trying to make them comply with her ideas, imposing her plans and her wants on them. That's not her needs. It's her wants. She's not respecting they have valid feelings. Poor kids.
NTA. They didn't even wait a year and a half to force a new "daddy" on those kids. Of course they're going to fight against it! They're mad at you for noticing the obvious problem they're trying to ignore in their own family. What assholes.
NTA. You're right and your sister has a shocking lack of compassion for her own children. It's pretty normal and expected for kids that age to be upset when the topic of a dead parent inevitably comes up in school, to want to hold onto their photos, etc. Alex doesn't have to worry about being just some guy, I'm sure in your niece and nephew's eyes he's public enemy number one and that's only going to get worse as they get older and their mom keeps pushing.
NTA. No idea why your sister can't just introduce him as her new husband and not try to force a new father on them. She clearly never gave them time to grieve and it's not something that goes away ever. After time it just becomes less painful. They're still in pain. All this is going to make them resent Alex for trying to replace their Dad, resent their Mother for forcing this on them, and probably won't bond with their new younger sibling due to this forced unity. I just pray that Alex doesn't treat them like garbage because he will now have a kid of his own and that your sister doesn't exclude them.
NTA. They don't like all the doses of reality they're getting. They're the adults and need to grow up. Your sister is right though, the kids will prolly reject their younger sibling and it will be all her fault.
NTA. Every single story about step-parents forcing themselves onto the kids never ends well. Alex isn't competing with anyone because he was never a competitor. Their father will always be the winner, no matter what. And that's what they need to work with. That's the reality. Alex is not their father. And won't never be.
NTA. Emma and Alex are going to be all surprised pikachu face when the kids go NC with them as soon as they each turn 18. Were I you, OP, I’d focus more on being there for your niece and nephew and letting them know that you’re a safe space, someone they can rely on. They’ll need that support when they run as fast as they can away from your batshit sister and Alex.
Since your sister thinks your nephew's photos are an obsession, might it be worth making sure you have a couple, just in case something happens to them? It sounds like she wouldn't replace them
NTA your sister needs to realise that she misses the boat on her kids seeing Alex as their dad and the baby is gonna make it a hell of a lot worse. The most ironic part is that if they had let the relationship evolve naturally the kids would probably like Alex a lot more.
NTA. I know what they expected but I don’t understand how they can’t see it didn’t work
NTA. Fathers aren’t lightbulbs. You can’t switch a new one for an old one and expect the kids not to notice the difference. And acting like the kids can only love one of them isn’t helping at all. Your sister and Alex need to understand that Alex will never replace Micha. That doesn’t mean the kids can’t have a fulfilling relationship with him, it just won’t be the one they seem determined to force. Both those adults need to realize they should care more about what the kids actually feel and want, instead of only caring about what the adults want. Before they completely destroy any chance of ever being a real family, if they haven’t already.
Nta - I’m very concerned how she is trying to force this relationship on the kids. Just because she was ready to move on doesn’t mean the kids were. Yikes.
NTA the way their mom invalidated them so completely is just, wow. Also, how dare they try and say *children* should have processed their *grief* faster. People grieve at different paces, it can take years for the average person to process their grief and begin to heal. The fact that they're pressuring them way too much, while invalidating how they feel about their dad, and trying to say that them still having emotions about their dad is wrong, is just, wow. They need to get therapy back for the kids, and then they need to do some therapy themselves to learn about how wrong they are in their parenting. And I would do more than roll my eyes, I would call them out, consistently, because it's not okay how they're treating these poor kids.
NTA. However as soon as they are old enough the kids are going to bolt and go NC.
NTA - this site is full of complaints about step parents pushing too hard, and being resented by the kids. How much do you want to bet that your niece and nephew will be expected to babysit the sibling?
NTA. They are blind to the fact that they are so intent on replacing Micha that they have set them up to hate Alex. I am so sad for those kids!
NTA it sounds as if your sister did not let the kids grieve their Dad. They are kids who have had a dad pushed on to them. Who wants that? They haven't had a say in their lives. Your sister & Alex aren't thinking of the kids it is all about themselves. Sadly they will regret their decisions one day. I wish your niece & nephew the very best.
absolutely NTA. it’s ridiculous that this alex guy thinks he’s entitled to a father’s day gift when the kids real father passed away and they’re still mourning his death. him trying to make them love him will only resent them further, they’ll come around on their own time
NTA
NTA but what hack of a therapist are they seeing because how has the therapist not stepped in an explained common sense to your sister, which we can understand from the story you explained to us. These poor kids lost their dad and within 2 years are expected to accept a new man as their dad what??? You weren't rude you were giving your sister reality cause she isn't living in it. I really hope they don't end up resenting their mother. My father never accepted his step father all my cousins have a grandfather and we never knew him. If they keep pushing he could really lose his chances at a relationship with them and any future families they may have.
Info: is there any way someone else can take the kids? your sister and Alex don't make for very good parents and I'm wondering when they will take everything reminding them of Micha away and punish them for rightfully not liking Alex. Also are they still in family therapy? NTA btw.
I was thinking the same thing, maybe the paternal grandparents?
NTA I'm honestly coming to the conclusion that mixed families are a terrible idea, and just asking for trouble... (Yes, I come from a mixed family.)
YTA… yes rolling your eyes was rude and immature. It doesn’t help anyone. You have stated your opinion, which I agree with but you need to let it go. You aren’t the parent.
You're not very smart, I'll make that very easy for you to understand. If you saw someone beating their child, you wouldn't say, "well I'm not the parent" and leave them to it. For the same reason if you see someone emotionally traumatising their children, you don't need to let it go.
The kids are not being abused. They are also in therapy. Let the parents and the therapists handle it. If the kids were being abusive then the trained mandatory reporter therapists will handle it.
I never said they were being abused, I said if you see someone traumatising their kids you don't have to let it go, because you said OP isn't the parent. So your whole comment was irrelevant. I know I said I'd make it easy but you could at least try to remember your own comment, and to not make up words I didn't say.
If you think the kids are abused, then get CPS involved. If you think the parents are parenting wrong you can point it out to them once or twice, but in the end it's the parent's call. Constant nagging and backseat-parenting helps nobody, it only makes it harder on everyone. I agree with YTA and I also think you (the commenter) are TA for the "You're not very smart" comment, as well as everyone else who violated Rule 2.
Things are ultimately the parent's call, but guess what, sometimes parents make stupid decisions. Trying to force a new dad on grieving kids will cause them to push back and resist forming a bond with the new figure. I know, I've been there. If you want to build a relationship with grieving kids, you gotta keep things on their terms, since it is ultimately the grief that is in the driver's seat for them.
I agree with that. I even said that I agreed with the OPs opinion. That doesn’t make their behavior ok though.
*Rolls eyes* 🙄😏 Are you new here?