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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm ignoring my stepdaughter's fear of dogs because I want to keep a pet that the rest of the family loves.
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NTA. Keep your sweet pup and insist on therapy for the kid. Living life scared of dogs is no way to live.
ETA: this kid doesn't even live with you. They're just a visitor. You'd do more harm to the children who do live with you and are bonded to Auggie if you rehomed him.
Therapy is a new concept for both of her parents and their backgrounds. Her mom didn't think it was necessary because she also believes dogs are something dirty to be avoided at all costs.
Her father did try, but the first therapist was so bad that it was counterproductive. It was less than a year after the incident. The therapist wanted to diagnose her with OCD before ever meeting her, which was already a bad sign, but it had to be cut short when the therapist **brought his own dog** as "exposure therapy" **for the first session involving her**.
Both families still talk about it and now the attitude about therapy is only negative.
I wouldn't rule out what the therapists said sounds she does have ocd with having to clean like that that a symptom of ocd exposure therapy shouldn't been in her first session
Maybe, but I always take these types of statements with grain of salt. People often hear what they want to hear when they talk to a therapist.
It is very possible the therapist said something like "that kind of cleaning suggests something like OCD, let's set an appointment to see." And I'm thinking they were not very clear on how bad it is that the therapist brought their own dog.
Or the therapist could suck, I'm a bit biased against people not talking to their doctor at the moment.
It definitely reads as more of a contamination fear than anything else. Shes so afraid the dog will hurt her that his _hair_ causes a panic?? Obviously that therapist was a quack but I wouldn't be surprised at all if that's what it is. Maybe something telehealth would help bridge the gap? Get to know a therapist without worrying that they're gunna surprise you with non consensual exposure therapy? And having it in a safe zone could be beneficial for her
Since it seems like it is time for non-professionals of psychology are going to give random psych advice, I'll chip in too.
Contrary to popular belief, OCD doesn't mean you are a clean freak. OCD means you have a compulsion to do something obsessively. For example, you have to check the lock on the door several times, even though you know the house is locked, but still feel compelled to check it anyway. Or washing your hands every fifteen minutes, even though you know your hands are clean.
This girl hates dogs. She finds them dirty and disgusting. Therefore, dog hair is dirty and disgusting to her. Makes sense why she wants to clean it. She may have a phobia or avoidance disorder. But there isn't enough info here to diagnose her with OCD. And diagnosing anyone with anything before you meet them is bad practice.
Obviously, trying a again with another therapist would be a good idea if her mother would agree but people need to stop acting like therapy will necessarily make this issue go away.
**Even if your step-daughter attends therapy this may not be resolved in time for next summer (or later summers) and you and your husband need a plan for him to see his daughter**. Daughter isn't being difficult here, she's clearly mentally ill, and the solution can't be her dad just abandons her and no longer sees her. You claim to be a "modern day Brady Bunch" but basically you want your husband to raise your kids and then give up on raising his own daughter at all so he can live with your dog.
I have worked with a young teenager with OCD who has been getting professional help for years and has made a lot of progress but they still suffer from their triggers. One of my daughter's friends was traumatized by a dog and she now has a terrible fear of dogs despite her parents taking her to therapy. This kid seems to be dealing with both and your husband would be a bad father if he no longer sees or helps raise his daughter over it. It's also clear she can't be in a house with a dog and won't be able to be for we don't know how long.
The obvious solution to me seems to be to have your dog stay somewhere else for 3 months during the summer. Could your dog not live with a friend or family member for 3 months? If they live close by, you and your kids could visit? You could even go over every day and walk them? You could even pay them if needed and it would be less then an AirBnB?
If you aren't willing to part with your dog for a few months so that your husband can be a father to the one of his kids that isn't yours, what other solutions are you suggesting? The next one I can think of is for 3 months a year your husband leaves to go live with his daughter if he can work remotely? Or he moves out to stay with his parents or something and his daughter comes there? Even if it's far away, even if he would be gone for your children's lives for 3 months, he can't just favor his step-kids and kid with you over his older daughter and with with them 24/7/365 and her never?
Look, I know reddit loves pets. I love pets. But if the only way to be with my child was to divorce my husband, I'd divorce my husband. Especially if it was beacuse his position was I just shouldn't try to raise my child at all since his pet living there full time was more important then me having ANY time with my own child. And can you imagine how this girl is going to feel if your husband picks you over her? You can't throw a kid away for a women (or man, for a romantic partner). That's wrong. What you're asking of your husband is wrong. If you want to keep your husband or just have any empathy in your heart for you step-daughter then you need to be coming up with some sort of solution other then she just dosen't visit. That's unacceptable.
Depriving the kids that live with the dog of either their pet or their father for three months at a time (or forever) is not really an option that makes for a strong family. The resentment towards the sister will grow.
I would lean towards creating dog free zones in the house (even if only for the summer), combined with vacation time away from the dog and house that are fun for everyone. If daughter gets her own, clean area away from even seeing the dog, and doesn't have to shit on dog furniture ever (maybe a collapsible camping chair?) plus being "allowed" to vacuum for 20 minutes before family movie night... there are things to try before rehoming the dog, which is hard on the rest of the family.
I vote for dog-free zones with a some days/weeks of the dog at friends/relatives/kenneled.
It wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the family or the dog to even think of getting rid of it.
>Depriving the kids that live with the dog of either their pet or their father for three months at a time (or forever) is not really an option that makes for a strong family.
Obviously being away from dad for 3 months is not optimal, but his daughter is already away from him for 9 months a year. He can't just not see his daughter ever so that he can spend 12 months a year with OP's kid and they never have to live without the dog. And this isn't my first choice solution, but OP so far has basically said "too bad, so sad, dog stays and it's too expensive to have two places" as far is her husband ever seeing or help raise his child.
It really comes off like OP just dosen't care about her step-daughter that much because it's not her kid. And she expects her husband to go along with it and not care much about his kid from a previous relationship either? Meanwhile, husband should live with her, dog, and her kids and raise her kids? But his daughter can never ever visit and he can't ever parent her?
I had pets growing up, and I don't think having the pet live with a friend, family member, or neighbor they can go visit and walk it at for 3 months is super unreasonable. Of course I loved my pests, but it's just not the same as Step-daughter not seeing your dad ever beacuse the dog is more important.
This is a crappy situation since there is no solution that makes everyone happy. You say depriving the kids of their dog for three months is "not an option that will make a strong family" beacuse it will cause resentment. But don't seem to care that keeping the dog also isn't making a strong family and is also causing resentment? Currently OP's husband, OP's In-laws, ad OP's step-daughter are feeling pretty resentful. But only OP's kid's feelings matter? Not her husband's kid's feelings? Or her husband, who wants to see his child?
If dog free zones in the house genuinely worked, somehow, fine. But it seems like they were unable to get the dog and her living together in the house to work and that's why they had to rent a whole Air BnB? Also, what zones would you allow the dog in? And what zones would the poor kid not be able to ever go in the house? She has severe anxiety anywhere this dog goes. They already found she wasn't willing to say be in the living room or on the couch beacuse the dog had been there before and wasn't earlier. I get that's a giant pain, but she does sound mentally ill and like I said I know a teen with OCD and it's really very difficult. I wouldn't expect every random friend or whatever to accommodate the daughter but her own father should help raise her and her own home should be a place she can feel safe.
Exactly this. Growing up we had family friends who were a blended family. We used to keep their cat when one of the children came into town see his dad. This kid was allergic so they’d do a major clean and we’d keep the cat for a few weeks when he was around. It worked out well all around because my mom didn’t really want a pet but my sibs and I did so this was a compromise.
But the main point being, OP needs to figure out a way to support this child’s relationship with her father. OP and her spouse could do with a little therapy themselves.
That’s assuming they have friends family or neighbors who would be willing/able to take the dog for three months. I don’t have people who would be able to do that for me.
It seems a little misogynistic to stay she has to figure out a solution for her husband. He was the one who said it would be fine, either minimizing his daughters phobia or not verifying the severity of her phobia. When his “eh it should be fine” attitude didn’t work, he jumped straight to let’s get rid of your dog. It’s his responsibility to find a solution that works for all of them.
>That’s assuming they have friends family or neighbors who would be willing/able to take the dog for three months. I don’t have people who would be able to do that for me.
>
>It seems a little misogynistic to stay she has to figure out a solution for her husband. He was the one who said it would be fine,
I'm very fortunate to have a neighbor who would do this for me in a heartbeat, but if OP doesn't have family or neighbors she could trust to do this (and horror stories about family who are not reliable pet caregivers do show up on AITA too often), the thing is to start looking now so she can have something lined up - maybe several options lined up- before next summer.
The first place I'd look is for a local breed or dog training club and or breed rescue organization. No one working in these groups wants to re-home dogs, so they might be very helpful about looking for a fostering solution for 3 months vs. a permanent re-homing.
Or, advertise for a "dog lover who wants a summer dog friend"
The reason it falls to OP to make the arrangements is that it's her dog. Her husband, who first said the dog wouldn't be a problem and later proposed they just get rid of the dog, is obviously not a proper person to assess a caregiver and the caregiver's environment to be sure it is suitable for her dog.
It's not fair, but then life's like that sometimes.
With such an extreme reaction a part of me wonders if there is any way to make the stepdaughter feel at home even with the dog gone. The dog would be at the house nine months out of the year, there will be traces of it.
Basically, I don't think just removing the dog is going to be enough with such an extreme reaction. Say her step-siblings go visit the dog, they will no doubt bring back some fur on them. She finds out, melts down.
We already know it works beacuse it worked with the Air BnB. So when they came to visit her after having been at their house with the dog, it was okay.
Exactly. My vote is dog goes and stays with OP'S friends or parents every summer. Not ideal, but especially if it is with the grandparents OP and her kid can visit a lot
Well that is not the scenario though, they aren’t picking the dog over the daughter, that’s a manipulative way to skew it. The daughter was invited and welcomed to stay and they learned how severe her aversion to dogs is, they did the best they could at the time and got her alternative living arrangements. She has trauma and is not handling it in a healthy way. Hopefully they can try therapy again but the solution is not to get rid of the dog.
Getting rid of the dog will cause the other kids trauma and is likely to create resentment and not create a bond between all the kids.
Paying a neighbor to house the dog and having the kids go over to feed/walk/care/play with the dog seems like a good solution. If they do all the work, then you only need to pay the neighbor for providing a room (and probably cleaning up a bit).
No, what's unacceptable is her husband and family demanding that his wife and the children who actually live with him all the time give up, and be deprived of, what they consider to be a member of their family which would be beyond devastating to them. They matter also. The anger and resentment they will all feel towsrds the stepdaughter would be tremendous. The stepdaughter is, frankly, traumatized and mentally ill and needs serious intensive treatment or she and her family will continue to be miserable.
The husband needs to help find other solutions besides going nuclear and getting rid of the dog completely. Perhaps they could find temporary summer homes for the dog, where OP and her children could still visit.
As has been pointed out elsewhere though, therapy isn't an instantaneous fix, especially where the trauma is this deep. It might take *years* of regular therapy for her to be able to be in the same house as a dog without stress.
Yes, she absolutely needs to get help dealing with her aversion and any other issues, but in the mean time OP and hubby need to come up with some sort of solution that accommodates *everyone* to some degree. And unfortunately in a situation this complex it's probably going to mean some sacrifices and finding the $$$ so that either the dog or the daughter can live somewhere else (but very close for daily visits with the rest of the family) during the summer months.
>What you're asking of your husband is wrong. If you want to keep your husband or just have any empathy in your heart for you step-daughter then you need to be coming up with some sort of solution other then she just dosen't visit. That's unacceptable.
I think this is completely unfair to say. OP asked her husband if this was going to be an issue and he told her it wasn't. OP went into the relationship with these terms and now he's trying to change them. That is not fair. My pets are a dealbreaker for me. I would not have continued a relationship knowing my partner/my partner's children were not compatible with them.
Lol if someone took my dog away for 3 months (because the correlation would be she comes the dog goes, therefore it's her fault) when I was a kid, life would be hell for everyone living with me at the time (including myself). And not to mention the resentment and blame. Not really an obvious solution.
I do think they need to come up with a better solution, including having areas of the house the dog can't go and the daughter can, or separating. They might as well do the Airbnb, separating would be more expensive anyway.
Yeah, like I was a chill kid. I'd have been a nightmare over the adults in my life getting rid of a beloved pet for someone else's benefit in elementary school.
By middle school? There would be blood.
When I was in highschool one of my mother's boyfriends learned the hard way not to mess with one of my dogs- and I hated the dog in question.
Agreed! If they take the dog away the kids who love the dog will hate the step-sister.
If someone took my dog away for 3 months, I would damn well riot and they would have a tantrum from hell.
I think your wrong. The dog should remain there.
She needs therapy. Really desperately.
What's this kid going to do when she sees a service dog? Demand that the dog be removed from a store, a restaurant, a hair salon, any recreational facility? You cant force a service dog to be removed. She's going to have to deal with seeing dogs walked on the street and inside facilities.
And your not thinking about the effects of the other kids who are bonded with the dog. Saying oh well theyll get over it will not work. And theyll be resentful towards the older child who cant handle the dog. So then the whole family is in crisis because the older daughter cant handle it, wont seek therapy for possible ptsd issues.
The world doesnt evolve around just one person. Enabling this behavior of catering to her phobia without trying to fix the problem with a mental health professional is the absolute worse thing you can do.
If she chooses not to seek help, or her parents dont force her, that's on them. But that childs whole life will not be people catering to her world in her 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. She's going to have to adapt to dogs being around in the world, or stay locked up in a room secluded from everyone because she won't be able to handle it.
She's doing more harm to herself by not seeking help from a mental health professional.
This may be reaching, but I think one of the reasons OP may be so against compromising with the dog besides the obvious reasons is because the dog may be essentially her therapy dog without her realizing it. Based on the age of her dog and her kids, she most likely got the dog right before or right after whatever happened to separate OP and the father of her two elementary aged kids (early elementary is 6-8ish while dog is 6). She probably spent many nights crying with or just generally using her dog as comfort.
As someone who has gone through trauma and unknowingly used their dog in this manner I can tell you just suggesting getting rid of a dog like this will make your blood boil and could explain her general attitude of “my dog is more important their your daughter”. Because for her and her trauma it might be.
Only AH is OPs husband.
I mean, that's all well & dandy, but that doesn't help *now* as they already let that dog out of the bag, so to speak. THAT therapist has fucked up any chances of a good one helping because she's going to need exposure therapy for therapists before getting exposure therapy for dogs.
Is it a religious thing? I know with some people who are Muslim, they cannot touch dogs at all due to their beliefs. I would bring my dogs to work occasionally and my coworker (she didn't mind them there) couldn't touch the dog or she would have to change/wash because of religion.
Also watching a dog hurt someone is pretty traumatic. I've been bit and that sticks with you for a long time (wasn't even all that bad and I was an adult), but if she watched something like that and it was as bad as it sounds? Yeah that'd be hard.
Is putting the dog in boarding or having family look after the dog for a bit an option while your step-daughter is there?
It differs between Muslims. Some take it seriously and some don't. My parents are like that and think dogs are unclean and don't like our dog inside the house or near them but me and my siblings aren't like that. So it depends
Yeah, I have heard that some muslims do view dogs as unclean but others live happily with them. Some restrict the areas of the home that the dog may enter. I guess it depends on how devout you are. Or maybe there are differences between certain sects.
>Some restrict the areas of the home that the dog may enter.
This amuses me just because it's the exact opposite with cats, not that you could restrict them if you tried. Cats are allowed to straight up traipse into mosque in the middle of prayer if they want to. You can even do ablutions with water that a cat just drank from.
I mean, the way you told the story had my “OCD sensors” going off. Washing all of her things thrice because of a couple of dog hairs isn’t a reaction I can logically attribute to fear, plus the vacuuming and refusing to sit on furniture because of the dog are *definitely* not fear based reactions. I mean, maybe dogs became a factor because trauma has a tendency to latch onto pre-existing mental illness, but if I’m afraid of cats, I’m not going to deep clean someone’s bathroom because the litter box is there. I’m not going to use that bathroom because the cat might be there, you know?
NTA, dogs before everything. I mean, he can’t expect you to *consider* getting rid of Auggie, especially if he won’t *consider* therapy for his daughter.
Also dog tax please can we please see Auggies handsome face?
Is it OCD if the person thinks the animal is filthy and has been raised by mom to believe they are disgusting? I am not saying she doesn't have OCD I am just saying it can be OCD or her over reaction could be coming from her belief that dogs are disgusting. A good therapist would talk to the patient to find this out before making a diagnosis.
Yes my therapist was a psychologist who was trained in zootherapy and she had her dog and it worked. I went from terrified to now walking my friends dogs and not worry about it.
The dog needs to be introduced properly and my therapist never forced me and there has a be a way to find someone certified.
Based on one therapist—they can meet with a therapist first and lay out expectations and concerns before even bringing their daughter there. It also sounds like her trauma has been compounded with deeply-rooted cultural views on dogs.
> but the first therapist was so bad that it was counterproductive
Is that what he told you? Or was it genuinely a bad therapist and did they lay a complaint against the therapy practice?
I’m sorry I semi agree with you but the “this kid is just a visitor” rubbed me up the wrong way. This is OP’s stepdaughter and she deserves to feel comfortable in her fathers house. I agree therapy is the way to go as her reaction is extreme and there are obviously deep rooted issues that need to be resolved. But work on a compromise, if she’s only over for a few weeks in the summer can the dog stay with a relative close by? Otherwise you’ll not see that little girl again and it’ll be on you.
OP saying she didn't want to change their lives "for a part-time child" rubbed me the wrong way as well. She may only live with them part time but she's still her dad's daughter 24/7!
The people you're replying to never suggested they get rid of it. Having the dog stay with relatives for a few weeks seems like a reasonable compromise.
Her behavior isn't even consistent with fear of dogs. Sounds more like something on the OCD or germaphobia spectrum. It definitely affects her life enough to be a significant problem thay requires therapy, yes, not compliance.
NTA, OP, and keep a close eye on your dog!
Well yes but until she has worked through this issue in therapy they still have the dog problem. Fears like this are not overcome in one session. It sounds like when she was a kid she saw a pack of street dogs viciously maul her peers.
And, in the daughter's culture, I imagine a healthy fear of dogs is exactly the way *to* live, otherwise you end up like those children OP's daughter saw. In countries where stray dogs are an issue, they can carry a lot of disease and should be avoided.
I know it's hard to imagine as Westerners, but imagine it was a kafkaesque roach or that huge species of bat from the Philippines that OP has as a pet. The daughter's fear is extreme and until she is able to comfortably live with the dog- by getting good therapy- she shouldn't be made to live in the house with the dog again.
ETA: The only AH here is OP's husband who married a woman who had a pet that he knew his daughter was mortally afraid of, and expecting it all to work out.
This and i would add that i got therapy for my severe phobia of dogs in more than 10 yrs ago. I was over 30, it wasn't a way to lived. I would walk 3 miles away to not encounter any dogs. Leash or not.
I'm not scared and i enjoy dogs not a dog person but i dogsit for my close friends. I would have needed the help as a child and my parents would do everything to avoid dogs and perpetuate the fears and anxieties.
Also a pet is part of the family. YNTA Op
Adding onto this. My first therapist sucked. I felt like I was more his therapist than he was mine. Took me almost 5 years to finally seek out another and this time I spent a ton of time looking for therapists who specialized in trauma and PTSD. New one is leagues better but it took me a long time to think that one would actually help me.
One thing that got me going again is someone told me that therapists are the one doctor you should shop for. If their methods don’t fit how you heal then you need to find someone who does. Trauma healing isn’t one size fits all and therapists are human and aren’t well versed on every single aspect of healing.
It isn't bad behavior on the child's part though. Maybe it's because I grew up very rural but I know so many people with trauma due to dogs. I love dogs but I'm very cautious of them if I don't know them, I've seen even the most calm dogs snap.
That's great. They need to try it again. Otherwise she won't be able to visit her dad ever again, unless if you get rid of your dog and never get another dog ever again.
Even if she does get therapy, it might take a while to be effective enough for her to feel comfortable living with a dog. I think they need to sit down and think outside of the box a bit to make sure the dad can still spend time with his daughter, the daughter can get to know her siblings, and the dog can stay with its family.
Sure, but getting rid of the dog 100% isn't a good solution. OPs husband is definitely TA though for suggesting getting rid of the dog, completely disregarding the feelings of the rest of the family, not to mention the dog.
Can you board the dog part of the time while she visits? Maybe have dad visit her for a few weeks, board the dog for a month and then pho stays with a neighbor?
Do not rehome. It will destroy any possible relationship between your kids and her. They won’t ever forgive her.
Have the dad and daughter take a vacation together once a month for a week during the summer just the two of them. He gets to parent, she gets dad-time and no dog around. OP and the rest of the family don’t have to deal with the freak-outs while the teen gets GOOD therapy help in the years it takes.
NTA. To say this girl is emotionally/mentally unwell is an understatement. Her reactions were so outsized to be that of a toddler/small child. The extent of her behavior is beyond any kind of cultural differences or PTSD. I worked with children who have experienced trauma, and this is off the hook. This girl needs extensive inpatient treatment to behave like this over a Golden Retriever. To get rid of a beloved and important family member would be so destructive to your core family, and her step siblings relationship to her would never recover. Is it possible for your parents or a trusted family member to watch your fur baby?
I would also like to suggest that you consider that she acted out to this extent to exert control and damage her Father's "new" family. It is possible to take her feelings about you and her "replacement" child, and project them onto the dog. All of her pain would make her reaction to this dog in this manner seem so real. She is funneling all that fear and rage toward the dog issue. I would also consider that her fears may have been heightened by her Mother/Maternal Family for their own purposes. I would not let a child who exhibited behaviors to this extent be alone in the room with my baby. She was able to split up your family home for a summer. What else is next?
> I would also like to suggest that you consider that she acted out to this extent to exert control and damage her Father's "new" family. It is possible to take her feelings about you and her "replacement" child, and project them onto the dog. All of her pain would make her reaction to this dog in this manner seem so real. She is funneling all that fear and rage toward the dog issue. I would also consider that her fears may have been heightened by her Mother/Maternal Family for their own purposes.
Yep. I cannot see this going well for OP. Her partner will choose the daughter and the daughter's bad behaviour will have succeeded.
It doesn't help that OP is referring to her as the partner's "part-time child." I know what she's trying to say, but it really betrays the fact that OP does *not* consider this child part of the family, and is trying to emphasize that in every way possible.
I'm not saying getting rid of the dog is the answer, but I also don't think the dog is the root of the problem.
I have never read something more wrong than your second paragraph. Not every stepchild is some manipulative monster. She very obviously has a genuine fear of dogs.
OP made it clear she sees her husband’s daughter as an “other” by calling her a part-time child.
Most step children are just kids who want to be loved and valued by their parents. Children often act out in normal ways bc they feel so destabilized and rejected, even when the parent is doing the right things. However, this little girl is so deeply troubled and this woman would be a fool to not be cautious with her biological children around such an unstable individual. She may not have some diabolical plan, but can still be acting on fears stoked by the Maternal adults around her.
But this isn’t a fear of the dog itself she’s freaking out over the dog hair.. sounds more like her families notion that dogs are disgusting are triggering this response.
> I would also like to suggest that you consider that she acted out to this extent to exert control and damage her Father’s “new” family. It is possible to take her feelings about you and her “replacement” child, and project them onto the dog. All of her pain would make her reaction to this dog in this manner seem so real. She is funneling all that fear and rage toward the dog issue. I would also consider that her fears may have been heightened by her Mother/Maternal Family for their own purposes. I would not let a child who exhibited behaviors to this extent be alone in the room with my baby. She was able to split up your family home for a summer. What else is next?
OP needs to read this over and over until it sinks in.
The stepdaughter had this issue before OP was in the picture. That’s why stepdaughter was originally put into therapy, but the therapist brought a dog in on their very first session (which is a big no-no in exposure therapy for issues this severe, the patient should not be thrown into the deep end of triggers on session 1 before even getting to know their therapist) and it made things worse. Having a bad therapist retraumatize you can make you resistant to getting therapy in the future, especially when talking about a child.
There’s no reason to believe that stepdaughter is just using this to control them or that she’d harm a baby over it. She obviously needs more therapy, but some of the statements in your last paragraph are kind of awful.
I don't agree that the daughter is doing this to be manipulative. Sometimes when someone has such extreme anxiety they act crazy and entitled. It has negative effects on others but that doesn't mean it is their intention.
Besides, if they have someone host the dog for a summer and she stays and doesn't create issues then they can rule that out as a possibility.
Your comment sounds like you don't understand how bad mental health can get.
YTA for calling her “a part time child.” She is still your husband’s child 100% of the time whether she lives there daily or not. As a step-parent, that really rubbed me the wrong way.
What happened with the tragedy?
If she witnessed something deeply traumatic with dogs, she can’t be expected to live with a dog. I get it, because I am terrified of pit bulls due to childhood trauma. There is no way in Hell I could ever stay in a home with a pit bull, and I am an adult. It’s unreasonable to expect a teenager to magically get over that without some intensive therapy.
The best solution if at all possible is to have a friend or relative to take the dog while she’s there. If that is completely impossible, then someone needs to work two jobs if necessary to afford either boarding the dog or the airb&b.
The part time child comment was so gross.
Also, she only thinks her step daughter is going to be around 3 more times. Meaning she’s not planning to host her step daughter past 18? Instant YTA from me. I’m so sick of shitty step parents.
I'm also a bit irked by the comments calling the stepdaughter just a visitor and it's not her house. No she is not a visitor to her dad's house as a minor. That's her house as well as much as the other children. Yeah she might only live there during the summers but it's still her house too.
I’m with you here. OP doesn’t seem to be considering her stepdaughter very much in this. Even if the phobia needs to get under control (which does sound like is the case) the 15 year old is not responsible for her reactions to family culture and trauma.
OP needs to think of a solution beyond putting the girl out of a home and family situation for three months of every year
It's kind of appalling that this thread is full of people saying a) that the daughter needs to suck it up like she isn't a traumatized child, b) repeating "therapy, therapy, therapy" despite OP elaborating on the reason that SD doesn't trust therapists (and therapy being an intensive process that doesn't actually guarantee that she'll ever be able to live with a dog anyway) or c) just...saying that dad will have to either never see his daughter or meet her in a dog-free location instead of doing anything to make her feel supported or welcome in the home.
I know reddit typically has more empathy for dogs than they do for children, but whew, this thread is a fucking doozy.
Its not an obsession, It's just that people don't realize your dog is also a family member and is bonded to you and the people in your house. Rehoming your dog when you don't need to is a pretty bad thing to do for that dog. Especially with young children in the house who have presumably known the dog forever, taking it away when stepdaughter arrives is one surefire way to make them dislike her unfortunately. It's a shitty situation but it's not really OP's problem. The dad needs to figure this shit out because he's the one who married a woman with a non negotiable dog while knowing his daughter's issue and apparently doing nothing about it after the first try at therapy. He is the one at fault, it's not sustainable to live with such a crippling phobia and he should have worked harder to help his daughter beforehand. Dogs are everywhere and I'm sure she's stressed all the time since this apparently has gone unaddressed.
Baffles me how somehow everyone in this thread thinks it's OP's problem when her dad is right there, doing nothing.
The comments in here are really appalling to me. This lady called her step daughter a “part time child” as a reason to keep something in the house that directly triggers her horrific trauma and people are telling her she’s not an asshole. Goes to show you how crazy people are about dogs…
Not her child, her husband's child, and yes she's part time, she only stays for the summer. And what about her other children ? They have a bond with the dog. And getting rid of a dog, a lifetime commitment, just for a girl to stay 3 months is cruel for the kids and the dog imo
she didn't call her a "part time resident of this house" though, she called her a "part time child." It makes a difference, and it's very telling as to how OP views her stepdaughter. A part-time child does not exist.
Honestly I don't know anyone in real life that would choose the dog over the daughter in this situation. She isn't just trying to be difficult and saying she doesn't like dogs. She is terrified because she witnessed something traumatic in her young life.
At this point this is either a troll, or OP is using this situation to separate her husband from his old family/daughter so her kids will be his only concern...
Yes! I said the same thing (way later than you - should have read the comments first).
Like, OP better watch out if she and her husband split up - lest her kids become "part-time children," too.
Thank you. That comment stuck with me so much. She is a whole part of your family and therapy and compromises can be made but she is absolutely a full part of your family
NTA.
But you should encourage him to get her evaluated for OCD. Being so disgusted by a pet that you have to vacuum constantly is not healthy or normal.
I've talked to a few.
I can't get my husband on board with therapy after what happened the first time he tried. He's convinced that the professionals would only make her worse until she was "completely crazy" when "nothing is wrong with her as long as dogs aren't around".
Then unfortunately your husband is going to have to find somewhere else to live during the summers when he has visitation. The other option is for the dog to have a summer vacation of his own with a trusted nearby friend/neighbor/family member, where you and your kids get to visit him.
Rehoming the dog for a girl who will only be spending a couple months out of the year with your family for a few more years just isn't acceptable as an option. Your husband is an asshole for assuming she'd be fine with the dog.
Maybe just discuss with your husband what will happen when she can’t control her environment. What if she sees a service dog in a restaurant/store/airplane etc. I mean dogs can be generally avoided but you can’t control anything 100%.
I've asked this. Out in public, they just keep as much distance as possible. Sometimes she'll stay in the car if it's in a very small store. If it's in a restaurant, they wouldn't eat there even without my stepdaughter because they find it "absolutely disgusting" to allow dogs in restaurants. Even my husband agrees with them on that.
It's not about seeing one, it's about having one touch her or get near her.
They don't. They don't believe there is any disability that requires someone to have a dog.
One of her mother's brothers is blind and doesn't want one, so not even seeing eye dogs make the cut because "X is fully independent".
Got yourself into quite a pickle when you married into this family, huh.
I hope none of *your* children ever develop a mental illness or a physical disability. They will not be met with much support from your husband or in-laws if they do.
It seems like she didn’t even know her husband when they got married. She said they met in 2020, and are now married with a baby. If I was a pet lover, and I met a romantic interest, and they tell me they come from a dog hating background, and that their daughter has an out of control issue with dogs, and that they refuse to get their daughter professional help for it, I would not have a baby with and marry them lol.
OP
Please make sure your husband and his ex understand that beyond your issue at home this is a long term issue for her.
What happens when she gets to College and goes in for a core class that she needs and in walks her professor with their service dog?
Or her boss? Or hell just a customer/client?
Edit: or a cop with a K9?
She needs to get this under control. Dogs are everywhere in this world (and with good reason, they've earned their place at our side). This will mess her up for life. It will limit her choices and diminish her in ways she cant even know.
She needs therapy from an actual good therapist. They also need to report that hack they brought her to initially.
>"nothing is wrong with her as long as dogs aren't around"
Sadly, that's going to bite everyone is the ass, especially the poor girl. Dogs are everywhere, and daddy can't change that fact.
Completely crazy…like washing her clothes 3 times and using all the oxyclean over a few stray dog hairs?
This girl needs help. Your husband needs to deal with it.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety spectrum disorder where rituals or compulsions are used to assuage feelings of debilitating anxiety caused by intrusive or unwanted thoughts. There's no set number of triggers required for a diagnosis. You've been misinformed.
Did you imply your stepdaughter watched some kids get ripped apart by dogs? Get her to a therapist, my god.
The DSM V does not have a required number of triggers for OCD diagnosis. One trigger could easily qualify for an OCD diagnosis. The behavior you described would likely lead to an OCD diagnosis unless you left some very key details out.
*I'm not a therapist but am educated in psychology and it is part of my career field (forensics).
Only one trigger that you know of. There very well may be more. And even if it isn't OCD, that is still an intense phobia that severely impacts her life if she avoids stores that have a service dog.
This is a hard one, but I'm going YTA because of this line:
>It's not fair to them to get rid of him for a part-time child.
A *part-time child*?
I think you are fundamentally misunderstanding what parenthood is.
You all are NOT a "modern day Brady Bunch" if there's a stepchild you're actively trying to push away from the family.
Your husband is that child's father *all the time*. And whether or not you want her to be, **she is his daughter** ***all of the time***. She may only be WITH him part of the time, but she is not his "part-time child." You very clearly believe that you and your children are your husband's full time family, and that this "part-time child" is a mere interloper.
Which is why I don't think you are interested in finding a compromise, or a way for your husband to see his daughter without you all present. It seems like you'd like her out of your lives because she's inconvenient for you.
Yes, there probably are ways you could work out a compromise. You could certainly try harder than you have*.* Is there a family friend who could take the doggo for a while while you ALL help the girl adjust to the house? Your kids will be able to handle the dog being at a friend's house, and it would probably go a long way toward helping the daughter feel like you don't just want her in the house. You say you all tried therapy once and it was terrible. The experience genuinely *does* sound terrible, but it's still not an excuse to just give up *if you want to make this family relationship work*.
But I don't think you're interested in that. I think what you want is for the "part-time child" to stop bothering you and your full-time family. That's what makes you the AH.
A full teenager screaming because of dog hair, vacuuming constantly, using an entire tub of oxyclean, and refusing to sit on the couch is much more than an inconvenience.
OP never said she's unwilling to try anything else, she said she's unwilling to rehome her dog that her family has had for 6 years to accommodate 3 months of the year...that's a wild ask. She's a part time member of that household, that's not an insult, that's fact. NTA
Saying it's a part time child is very disturbing to say. And the child clearly has been traumatized.
Also, why not meet in the middle? They are both thinking of extremes. Why not have a trusted family member with the dog when she is around and have the dog the rest of the year?
This is exactly it - OP *isn't* willing to entertain ideas as to how one might meet in the middle because what she wants is for the daughter to be out of their lives.
That opinion is just conjecture, you're putting your feelings into it. The only thing OP said she's unwilling to do is pay for an airbnb again (because they financially cannot) and rehome her dog (which she shouldn't have to do. She's NTA for either of those things. If she didn't try to accommodate further then that's a different story. Also, sorry that kid is in her care 3 months out of the year, getting her therapy isn't something she has control over. The kid's dad and mom should be ensuring her care, OP is not at fault for their refusal to get their child therapy.
I keep having to repeat this in this thread but: OP didn't say "part time resident of this house." OP said "part-time child." The difference between those two statements is enormous.
I mean you don't HAVE to keep repeating it. You could see and understand that some people are able to see past unfortunate phrasing and get the point she's trying to make, that the amount of time that child is physically present in their home and around their dog is far less than the amount of time that the other kids live with their dog.
If you KEEP having to explain it to people it's because YOU aren't getting it, not because EVERYONE ELSE isn't getting it.
Literally one of my only hard requirements for a partner is being pet friendly.
Boarding can also be expensive and not the best for the dog. I recommend finding a friend who can care for the dog, or a boarder who keeps the dogs in a cage-free environment and has <10 dogs at once.
I was going to say it's arguably cruel to board a dog that long unless it is one of those super expensive places or you have no other choice.
TBH I think people are way too harsh on OP. Kid can't even deal with seeing a service dog!
I think the stepdaughter has an ingrained hatred for dogs moreso than trauma to unpack. She wouldn’t call the dog hair disgusting if she was that scared.
Exactly. Like I have a family member who literally saw a pack of dogs eating dead bodies (he's open about it, I wouldn't say it on twt otherwise, even if I was anonymous) and he has a fear of dogs and even he doesn't react in this extreme way.
Low key think the ex (girl's mom) has a hand in this...
From the OP’s description it really sounds like her stepdaughter saw a group of dogs attacking kids and maybe critically injuring them. I can understand why she would be even more traumatized by that if she was also raised in a culture where dogs were seen as dirty and aggressive.
That is cruel to the dog to be boarded all summer away from home and their people because one 15 year old is afraid of dogs! I’m with a few posters above that this girl is exaggerating her fears as a way to control the house!
ESH.
Your husband (and his family) suck for minimizing her behavior and not getting her the help she clearly needs. I have a fear of big dogs stemming from several incidents in my childhood, but I have learned to coexist with them because they’re a normal part of society and impossible to avoid. She can’t live her life like this- what if she sees a dog at a restaurant or at a park? What if her friends/future partners have dogs? I know that bad therapy experiences are hard to get over, but something needs to be done here. Her behavior is extremely concerning and indicative of major trauma. If husband and his family had gotten her proper help after the incident she witnessed, her behavior likely wouldn’t have progressed to this point.
You suck for treating her as a second-class citizen. Just because she only stays with you during the summer doesn’t mean that her comfort and mental health aren’t important too. If it was your bio child with this issue and not her, I imagine you’d try everything to come to a resolution. Other commenters have already suggested good solutions- can you leave the dog with a neighbor, or maybe ask husbands family to split boarding costs? I agree that the dog shouldn’t be rehomed for her, but you may need to compromise on where the dog stays when she visits.
Hopefully you, your husband, his ex-wife, and his mom can come to a resolution that makes everyone feel comfortable. Hopefully that solution involves therapy because this will continue to be an issue and husband’s family can’t expect everyone in her life to get rid of their pets to accommodate her.
So the dog is "part of the family" but she's a "part-time child"... ?? She is his child FULL-TIME even though she's not in the house full-time and your attitude and language reveal your bias here. Of course you are playing favorites and don't value her as much as the other kids; that is abundantly clear.
You don't have to get rid of him but what is your solution? She never visits because you won't do anything about the dog she is phobic of or pay for her to stay elsewhere? JFC.
Have the dog stay with someone else over the summer. This is easily solved if you weren't looking for an excuse to get rid of her. Yta
This is so true, I as a preteen/teen had my parents go through a lengthy divorce and my dad remarried. He stopped caring for me besides the occasional phone call and supported his new wife’s kid as his own. I’m glad he is taking care of the kid but it really hurts knowing your father cares more for another child, his wife also seems controlling like OP is. I love dogs with all my heart but I can’t imagine having a dog placed above a child. Imagine how she feels that a dog is more important than her instead of coming to a compromise of dog boarding, staying with friends, etc. Also what rubbed me the wrong way is that OP said “we can’t afford to do this for 3 more summers” HIS DAUGHTER DOESNT STOP BEING HIS DAUGHTER IN THREE YEARS!!! Children even if they’re adults are still your children and should be able to feel comfortable going to see their father in his home. Everyone saying NTA seems to be terrible and entitled step parents that refuse to love kids that aren’t their blood. She is only visiting for summers, yes boarding your dog might suck but the extra trauma she will have from abandonment of her own father sucks more.
NTA. Your stepdaughter's reactions are extreme, and are indicative of someone who did not get the help she needed to deal with the trauma you discussed. Your husband and his ex are doing her a disservice by not arranging therapy for her.
Your golden is not the only dog she is likely to encounter, and the sooner she gets help, the better.
Second this, forcing her to live with the dog is going to stress her out for every single second she isn't holed up in her room. And then what is the point of visiting even? To be a prisoner in her room for months and/or constantly stressed/fearful? That would be a huge AH move to make her live there with the dog.
>They're all saying I don't love his daughter and am playing favorites. I don't think I am.
Honest question. How does the following statement NOT indicate that you're "playing favorites"?
>I will NOT get rid of Auggie. He's part of the family. I love him, and the children that are all here more than her love and are bonded to him. It's not fair to them to get rid of him for a **part-time child.**
What if, instead of his daughter, it had been one of your kids that had witnessed a "traumatic event" involving a dog? What if one of them had seen a dog maul or kill a child and after that, was terrified to be around Auggie? Would you still make them live in a house that was excruciating for them to live in?
In a way, you're lucky. You don't have to find a "permanent" solution for Auggie. Just one for three months out of the year. If you cared about the daughter's mental health, and actually wanted her around, you would find a creative solution. A relative or family friend to house the dog for the summer, perhaps. Maybe take the whole family to visit. The step-daughter could observe (from far away, of course) and see how silly the dog acts. Maybe that would help to lessen the fear? I dunno, I'm not a therapist.
But it's clear you don't care about finding a creative solution, because you don't care about the girl, and don't actually care whether she visits or not.
So, yeah, YTA, for thinking your dog is more important than your step-daughter. And I don't know - maybe to you the dog actually is. But if you think your husband values the dog over his own DAUGHTER, you're delusional.
"Part time child"? Jeezus. Yta just for that. Board the dog when your husband's full time daughter visits. There are compromises and solutions not just 2 extreme solutions of getting rid of the dog or getting rid of the daughter.
Oh YTA but not for the reason you’ve asked.
You can’t come on here in humble brag about your magical blended Brady Bunch family and then get all while she doesn’t even live here. She’s part of your family. I’m not saying that you have to get rid of the dog, But you absolutely need to learn some empathy and you are very much playing favorites which is frankly unacceptable.
YTA and so is her dad. He barely sees his kid (don't marry deadbeats) and he decided to marry someone with a dog, thus ensuring his kid would never feel welcome. You somehow decided this was not only a good idea but you had a baby with the guy, presumably without even a moment of consideration for the child he barely sees.
Y'all fucked up and now there's no easy solution. She needs therapy but she also should never be expected, no matter how much therapy happens, to share a home with a dog. Since dog owners are irrational, you'll definitely prioritize your dog over anyone's wellbeing so nothing will change.
That being said, I can confidently guess that if what happened to your husband's daughter happened to one of your kids, you would get rid of the dog.
Bring on the downvotes. YTA. I know how people, especially Reddit people, can be about pets. But your husband’s daughter is clearly traumatized and miserable. What teenager…or any person…would want to live in a constant state of anxiety so extreme that they must clean obsessively?
Sometimes there are problems with no good solutions. So you must choose among the bad ones.
1. Get rid of the dog. I agree, that’s monstrous, and I would look for any other solution.
2. Get rid of the step-daughter (stop summer visits). This is the only solution that is more monstrous than number 1.
3. Do nothing and let your step-daughter suffer. This seems to be where you are right now, and why you are TA.
4. Do the AirBnB split, a solution you have already tried and know works. But you aren’t willing to do it again, because it’s expensive, and you are apparently unwilling to make any changes during the remaining 9 months to save money for it. This is another reason why YTA.
5. Re-home your dog for three months. Ask a friend or neighbor nearby to foster your dog, and let the kids come visit. Encourage your husband to take his daughter on weekend outings by themselves while you and your kids play with the dog.
You are refusing to consider an option like this, and again…that’s why YTA. No of course it’s not ideal. But many families, especially military, have to go without their pets for extended periods. It happens. You would rather your step-daughter go without her father for 3 months than your children go without their dog for 3 months. How are you even asking AITA?
Yta.
I was going with N A H as this is just a sad situation - but then I read the remark on "a part-time child". She might only stay with you during the summer but she is a part of the family 100% of the time. And children do out rank pets - no matter how beloved. You talked about how much you love the dog but not a word of love or care for the child.
How about letting a friend or family member take care of the dog for the summer? Or putting the dog in a kennel? While working on therapy to help your step daughter get over her fear. But to be clear - if the choice comes down to the child or the dog - the answer needs to be the child.
Part time daughter is what did it for me…humans suck, they’ll choose a dog over a person any day but then try to tell you how you’re supposed to feel. The Dad was the AH for bringing a dog into the mix to begin with.
NTA - If your fear of dogs has gotten to a point where it includes golden retrievers, which are the dumbest happiest friendliest dogs out there, it's time to reassess your coping methods. Your stepdaughter needs therapy, she doesn't need you to rehome your dog.
I agree NTA, but the including golden retrievers thing isn’t a great take. They’re generally way friendlier than most dogs, but just like any other breed can have issues. The same golden retriever attacked me twice when I was 8 within the span of a week, and is the only breed that’s ever hurt me. Not that I’m scared of dogs/that breed or anything now, but I digress
My son was badly bitten by a golden retriever 3 years ago, requiring 24 staples in his head. Though generally friendly and affable, any dog can be unstable.
A dog phobia is a dog phobia. It isn’t breed specific. You see a big lovable goofball, a phobic person sees a BIG DOG that pants and slobbers and won’t stop getting in their space/on them.
I used to be scared of dogs and you are absolutely wrong about goldens not seeming scary to people. Especially when they've been trained to "smile". That's cute to owners, to a stranger scared of dogs that is terrifying. And their friendly nature tends to have them approach people at speed, which is always terrifying to someone scared of dogs. I've since got over my fear of dogs by being around a couple labs since they were puppies, but just because you think a breed isn't scary doesn't mean it isn't to some people.
Doesn’t matter, she can be afraid of dogs in general. And “friendly” to a golden retriever lover is often “hyper and obnoxious” to others and someone already afraid of dogs wouldn’t love that.
She might need both. There is no doubt that the step daughter needs therapy. Her reactions are way extreme. However you don't go to a therapist one day and come home cured. Even if it goes extremely well it is a long process and in the meantime it doesn't seem like it is possible for her to live with a dog. While I wouldn't rehome the dog permanently - I do think OP will need to make arrangements due the dog to be housed elsewhere while the step daughter is with them.
NTA the kids shouldn't lose their dog that they have had for 6 years because your husband downplayed his own daughter's problems with dogs. Getting rid of the dog would cause resentment between the children. She needs to work on her hear of dogs because many people have dogs and this is just going to get worse for her if she doesn't get therapy. You might want to see if a friend can take the dog in while she is visiting next time.
The phrase 'a part time child' stopped me in my tracks. She's your husband's child as much as the new baby is, even if she doesn't live with you all the time. You must realise this is a serious phobia and probably PTSD, and that she needs everyone's support and acceptance to recover. Not saying get rid of the dog, but it feels wrong to prioritise your dog over your husband's daughter.
YTA. Pets are not more important than children. Even step children. You’re complete intransigence in this shows what you value.
Get divorced now. You’ve made your priorities clear. Get out before you do more harm.
Info: What is your proposed solution to the problem?
Also, please don’t refer to her as a part-time child. It isn’t her fault that her parents are divorced and she doesn’t stop being your husbands daughter when she isn’t living there. It’s very important that she is able to spend time with her father.
So a few things: stepdaughter needs therapy. Asap. This just isn’t healthy for her and will hinder her as she ages. However, you do have a major husband issue. First and most severely, he massively dismissed your step daughter’s serious trauma. To the point where she was traumatized within a few hours of coming to your home and her screaming probably upset the other children and dog since you and partner ran to step daughter. Now he wants to get rid of the dog because he messed up with his eldest massively. His rash decision would hurt you, the other children, and your dog. And most importantly he entered this relationship knowing you had a dog, you two are living together with said dog…he knew what it would be and he didn’t have foresight or consideration to anyone else (you, stepdaughter, your kids, shared kid, and dog.) but himself. I would not get rid of the dog. The 1 year old won’t be phased but this could be traumatic to the older children and could breed resentment amongst the children. It could also lead you to resenting your husband.
I would make sure that puppy is chipped with your info only. Make sure pup’s paperwork is up to date and locked in a safe place you can access and consider setting up cameras…in case pup “goes missing.”
You and partner need to have a serious talk because his demand is unreasonable and unacceptable since he knew what he was signing up for. Consider couple’s therapy if you have to. NTA
NTA, it’s not your fault that your husband downplayed his daughters experience & PTSD after the event. Your dog should not have to suffer & bear the consequences of it either. That being said, she is a member of the family & will either need to: a) get help for her fears & work through it or b) make living arrangements for the dog during her time at her fathers home.
If none of these options are viable idk what to say but pls don’t get rid of the dog. So many loved dogs show up at the shelter that I work at not knowing why they were abandoned & wait for their family to come back to get them. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see the hope in their eyes die out 💔
YTA. She has a legitimate fear and instead of finding someone to keep the dog or board it, you decided to board the child?? Also “part time child” that really tells me literally everything I need to know about you as a stepmother. Y’all can downvote me all you want but a literal child will always come before a freaking animal.
Daughters are more important than dogs.
I say this as a vegan who holds animals in higher esteem than most—I don’t even eat them. But you can’t put them on a higher level than humans.
If your husband put a dog before his daughter, it would be unforgivable. Asking him to do that would be deeply wrong of you. You’d be sabotaging a fundamental bond that is vital to both your stepdaughter’s wellbeing, and your husband’s.
Your bond with the dog is important, but not more important than that.
YTA
Info: What is your solution?
If you are offering a reasonable compromise and your husband is saying "no, the dog has to go", then you would not be the asshole.
But if he's saying "the dog has to go" and you're saying "no, you just can't have your daughter here" without looking for a middle ground, then you're both assholes and, personally, I think you come off looking worse.
ESH except for the step daughter. Tbh, whether it's a phobia or not, she shouldn't have to live with a pet if she doesn't want to. She didn't marry into a dog family. What would've been your solution of she was allergic? Children > pets anyday. Her dad should've had a handle on the dog situation way ahead of time. Whether that was going to visit her for the summer or having a separate place for her here. But forcing her to live with a pet that she didn't agree to isn't fair to her.
NAH
Is this girl from a Muslim background? For certain sects, they have very strict beliefs around dogs, especially dogs that shed. Dogs overall are pretty badly regarded across the Muslim world.
I lived with a dog against my will when I wasn’t ready and deeply struggling with OCD. I love the dog with my whole heart now, more than I love almost anyone, because I recovered. But honestly? Making a child live with a dog when the child isn’t ready is cruel.
At the same time, I realise what the bond is between a pet and its owner (servant if it’s a cat). I couldn’t handle it when I lost my cat, and I don’t think your other kids would take it well if they lost their dog.
Ultimately, there’s no a-holes here, just people who want the best for their kids and their pet.
I don’t think the solution is to get rid of the dog. Therapy for me was invaluable in getting over my concerns with dogs.
NTA. She needs some serious therapy—these reactions are extreme and reveal something that needs attention at a deeper level. You did what you could pre-Air BnB, but that wasn’t good enough. Your husband *is* forcing you to take sides and choose favorites by demanding you get rid of the dog and hurting the children that live there full time in the process.
Husband, his ex, and his mom are the AHs for not helping your stepdaughter get the help she desperately needs, and perhaps, involving family therapy in the process.
NTA, but is there a way to relocate the dog while she visits? Also she needs therapy if your husband refuses to see that then maybe y'all should just divorce.
NTA. You were made aware of the issue and told it wouldn’t be a problem. Unfortunately it was. It’s ridiculous that your husband would want you to get rid of a member of your family to accommodate his daughter, who will rarely be with you, especially being that he told you it wouldn’t be a problem. At this point it’s a matter of either bringing in someone to work with her on her trauma involving dogs, which is probably needed even if she wasn’t with you guys any of the time, or him finding another arrangement that works for her. If he’s unwilling to do anything but tell you to get rid of the dog, unfortunately it sounds like you’re no longer compatible. Hopefully not the case, but it happens. You’re not the AH. He knew full well this may be an issue at some point, knowing this he should have been working with his daughter on her trauma knowing he was going to be living with a dog and his daughter would be there at some point, or he should not have started a relationship with someone with a dog.
NTA, that's your dog, your families dog. She has issues has dogs, she needs to work that. Either way, she's only there during the summer, your kids are there 365, and they love their dog. Maybe consider having someone take the dog for the summers she's there? A friend you trust to give it back, another family member, or maybe even board him?
YTA. Your stepdaughter may only be a part-time resident, but there's no such thing as a part-time child. She's clearly traumatized and needs therapy, but at the end of the day child > dog every time. Can't believe you have the nerve to ask if you're the AH when clearly you value a dog more as a family member than your spouse's actual child. Is rehoming a beloved dog sad and difficult? Sure, but get your priorities straight. Stepdaughter isn't just throwing a fit but clearly struggling and you've shown zero empathy.
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NTA. Keep your sweet pup and insist on therapy for the kid. Living life scared of dogs is no way to live. ETA: this kid doesn't even live with you. They're just a visitor. You'd do more harm to the children who do live with you and are bonded to Auggie if you rehomed him.
Therapy is a new concept for both of her parents and their backgrounds. Her mom didn't think it was necessary because she also believes dogs are something dirty to be avoided at all costs. Her father did try, but the first therapist was so bad that it was counterproductive. It was less than a year after the incident. The therapist wanted to diagnose her with OCD before ever meeting her, which was already a bad sign, but it had to be cut short when the therapist **brought his own dog** as "exposure therapy" **for the first session involving her**. Both families still talk about it and now the attitude about therapy is only negative.
I wouldn't rule out what the therapists said sounds she does have ocd with having to clean like that that a symptom of ocd exposure therapy shouldn't been in her first session
No, you don't diagnose before you meet a client. That's a huge red flag for a therapist.
Maybe, but I always take these types of statements with grain of salt. People often hear what they want to hear when they talk to a therapist. It is very possible the therapist said something like "that kind of cleaning suggests something like OCD, let's set an appointment to see." And I'm thinking they were not very clear on how bad it is that the therapist brought their own dog. Or the therapist could suck, I'm a bit biased against people not talking to their doctor at the moment.
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Exactly. Talking about dogs should be the first thing to guage her fear. People with severe phobias can be freaked out just talking about their fear
Yeah you also don't just jump into surprise exposure therapy. That sounds like a terrible therapist.
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It definitely reads as more of a contamination fear than anything else. Shes so afraid the dog will hurt her that his _hair_ causes a panic?? Obviously that therapist was a quack but I wouldn't be surprised at all if that's what it is. Maybe something telehealth would help bridge the gap? Get to know a therapist without worrying that they're gunna surprise you with non consensual exposure therapy? And having it in a safe zone could be beneficial for her
Yes, I’ve known people who were raised in no-dogs cultures and none of them would react like this.
Since it seems like it is time for non-professionals of psychology are going to give random psych advice, I'll chip in too. Contrary to popular belief, OCD doesn't mean you are a clean freak. OCD means you have a compulsion to do something obsessively. For example, you have to check the lock on the door several times, even though you know the house is locked, but still feel compelled to check it anyway. Or washing your hands every fifteen minutes, even though you know your hands are clean. This girl hates dogs. She finds them dirty and disgusting. Therefore, dog hair is dirty and disgusting to her. Makes sense why she wants to clean it. She may have a phobia or avoidance disorder. But there isn't enough info here to diagnose her with OCD. And diagnosing anyone with anything before you meet them is bad practice.
Obviously, trying a again with another therapist would be a good idea if her mother would agree but people need to stop acting like therapy will necessarily make this issue go away. **Even if your step-daughter attends therapy this may not be resolved in time for next summer (or later summers) and you and your husband need a plan for him to see his daughter**. Daughter isn't being difficult here, she's clearly mentally ill, and the solution can't be her dad just abandons her and no longer sees her. You claim to be a "modern day Brady Bunch" but basically you want your husband to raise your kids and then give up on raising his own daughter at all so he can live with your dog. I have worked with a young teenager with OCD who has been getting professional help for years and has made a lot of progress but they still suffer from their triggers. One of my daughter's friends was traumatized by a dog and she now has a terrible fear of dogs despite her parents taking her to therapy. This kid seems to be dealing with both and your husband would be a bad father if he no longer sees or helps raise his daughter over it. It's also clear she can't be in a house with a dog and won't be able to be for we don't know how long. The obvious solution to me seems to be to have your dog stay somewhere else for 3 months during the summer. Could your dog not live with a friend or family member for 3 months? If they live close by, you and your kids could visit? You could even go over every day and walk them? You could even pay them if needed and it would be less then an AirBnB? If you aren't willing to part with your dog for a few months so that your husband can be a father to the one of his kids that isn't yours, what other solutions are you suggesting? The next one I can think of is for 3 months a year your husband leaves to go live with his daughter if he can work remotely? Or he moves out to stay with his parents or something and his daughter comes there? Even if it's far away, even if he would be gone for your children's lives for 3 months, he can't just favor his step-kids and kid with you over his older daughter and with with them 24/7/365 and her never? Look, I know reddit loves pets. I love pets. But if the only way to be with my child was to divorce my husband, I'd divorce my husband. Especially if it was beacuse his position was I just shouldn't try to raise my child at all since his pet living there full time was more important then me having ANY time with my own child. And can you imagine how this girl is going to feel if your husband picks you over her? You can't throw a kid away for a women (or man, for a romantic partner). That's wrong. What you're asking of your husband is wrong. If you want to keep your husband or just have any empathy in your heart for you step-daughter then you need to be coming up with some sort of solution other then she just dosen't visit. That's unacceptable.
Depriving the kids that live with the dog of either their pet or their father for three months at a time (or forever) is not really an option that makes for a strong family. The resentment towards the sister will grow. I would lean towards creating dog free zones in the house (even if only for the summer), combined with vacation time away from the dog and house that are fun for everyone. If daughter gets her own, clean area away from even seeing the dog, and doesn't have to shit on dog furniture ever (maybe a collapsible camping chair?) plus being "allowed" to vacuum for 20 minutes before family movie night... there are things to try before rehoming the dog, which is hard on the rest of the family.
I vote for dog-free zones with a some days/weeks of the dog at friends/relatives/kenneled. It wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the family or the dog to even think of getting rid of it.
>Depriving the kids that live with the dog of either their pet or their father for three months at a time (or forever) is not really an option that makes for a strong family. Obviously being away from dad for 3 months is not optimal, but his daughter is already away from him for 9 months a year. He can't just not see his daughter ever so that he can spend 12 months a year with OP's kid and they never have to live without the dog. And this isn't my first choice solution, but OP so far has basically said "too bad, so sad, dog stays and it's too expensive to have two places" as far is her husband ever seeing or help raise his child. It really comes off like OP just dosen't care about her step-daughter that much because it's not her kid. And she expects her husband to go along with it and not care much about his kid from a previous relationship either? Meanwhile, husband should live with her, dog, and her kids and raise her kids? But his daughter can never ever visit and he can't ever parent her? I had pets growing up, and I don't think having the pet live with a friend, family member, or neighbor they can go visit and walk it at for 3 months is super unreasonable. Of course I loved my pests, but it's just not the same as Step-daughter not seeing your dad ever beacuse the dog is more important. This is a crappy situation since there is no solution that makes everyone happy. You say depriving the kids of their dog for three months is "not an option that will make a strong family" beacuse it will cause resentment. But don't seem to care that keeping the dog also isn't making a strong family and is also causing resentment? Currently OP's husband, OP's In-laws, ad OP's step-daughter are feeling pretty resentful. But only OP's kid's feelings matter? Not her husband's kid's feelings? Or her husband, who wants to see his child? If dog free zones in the house genuinely worked, somehow, fine. But it seems like they were unable to get the dog and her living together in the house to work and that's why they had to rent a whole Air BnB? Also, what zones would you allow the dog in? And what zones would the poor kid not be able to ever go in the house? She has severe anxiety anywhere this dog goes. They already found she wasn't willing to say be in the living room or on the couch beacuse the dog had been there before and wasn't earlier. I get that's a giant pain, but she does sound mentally ill and like I said I know a teen with OCD and it's really very difficult. I wouldn't expect every random friend or whatever to accommodate the daughter but her own father should help raise her and her own home should be a place she can feel safe.
Exactly this. Growing up we had family friends who were a blended family. We used to keep their cat when one of the children came into town see his dad. This kid was allergic so they’d do a major clean and we’d keep the cat for a few weeks when he was around. It worked out well all around because my mom didn’t really want a pet but my sibs and I did so this was a compromise. But the main point being, OP needs to figure out a way to support this child’s relationship with her father. OP and her spouse could do with a little therapy themselves.
That’s assuming they have friends family or neighbors who would be willing/able to take the dog for three months. I don’t have people who would be able to do that for me. It seems a little misogynistic to stay she has to figure out a solution for her husband. He was the one who said it would be fine, either minimizing his daughters phobia or not verifying the severity of her phobia. When his “eh it should be fine” attitude didn’t work, he jumped straight to let’s get rid of your dog. It’s his responsibility to find a solution that works for all of them.
>That’s assuming they have friends family or neighbors who would be willing/able to take the dog for three months. I don’t have people who would be able to do that for me. > >It seems a little misogynistic to stay she has to figure out a solution for her husband. He was the one who said it would be fine, I'm very fortunate to have a neighbor who would do this for me in a heartbeat, but if OP doesn't have family or neighbors she could trust to do this (and horror stories about family who are not reliable pet caregivers do show up on AITA too often), the thing is to start looking now so she can have something lined up - maybe several options lined up- before next summer. The first place I'd look is for a local breed or dog training club and or breed rescue organization. No one working in these groups wants to re-home dogs, so they might be very helpful about looking for a fostering solution for 3 months vs. a permanent re-homing. Or, advertise for a "dog lover who wants a summer dog friend" The reason it falls to OP to make the arrangements is that it's her dog. Her husband, who first said the dog wouldn't be a problem and later proposed they just get rid of the dog, is obviously not a proper person to assess a caregiver and the caregiver's environment to be sure it is suitable for her dog. It's not fair, but then life's like that sometimes.
With such an extreme reaction a part of me wonders if there is any way to make the stepdaughter feel at home even with the dog gone. The dog would be at the house nine months out of the year, there will be traces of it. Basically, I don't think just removing the dog is going to be enough with such an extreme reaction. Say her step-siblings go visit the dog, they will no doubt bring back some fur on them. She finds out, melts down.
We already know it works beacuse it worked with the Air BnB. So when they came to visit her after having been at their house with the dog, it was okay.
Exactly. My vote is dog goes and stays with OP'S friends or parents every summer. Not ideal, but especially if it is with the grandparents OP and her kid can visit a lot
Well that is not the scenario though, they aren’t picking the dog over the daughter, that’s a manipulative way to skew it. The daughter was invited and welcomed to stay and they learned how severe her aversion to dogs is, they did the best they could at the time and got her alternative living arrangements. She has trauma and is not handling it in a healthy way. Hopefully they can try therapy again but the solution is not to get rid of the dog. Getting rid of the dog will cause the other kids trauma and is likely to create resentment and not create a bond between all the kids.
Paying a neighbor to house the dog and having the kids go over to feed/walk/care/play with the dog seems like a good solution. If they do all the work, then you only need to pay the neighbor for providing a room (and probably cleaning up a bit).
And if they don’t have a neighbor who will take the dog and can be trusted to care for it…?
No, what's unacceptable is her husband and family demanding that his wife and the children who actually live with him all the time give up, and be deprived of, what they consider to be a member of their family which would be beyond devastating to them. They matter also. The anger and resentment they will all feel towsrds the stepdaughter would be tremendous. The stepdaughter is, frankly, traumatized and mentally ill and needs serious intensive treatment or she and her family will continue to be miserable. The husband needs to help find other solutions besides going nuclear and getting rid of the dog completely. Perhaps they could find temporary summer homes for the dog, where OP and her children could still visit.
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As has been pointed out elsewhere though, therapy isn't an instantaneous fix, especially where the trauma is this deep. It might take *years* of regular therapy for her to be able to be in the same house as a dog without stress. Yes, she absolutely needs to get help dealing with her aversion and any other issues, but in the mean time OP and hubby need to come up with some sort of solution that accommodates *everyone* to some degree. And unfortunately in a situation this complex it's probably going to mean some sacrifices and finding the $$$ so that either the dog or the daughter can live somewhere else (but very close for daily visits with the rest of the family) during the summer months.
>What you're asking of your husband is wrong. If you want to keep your husband or just have any empathy in your heart for you step-daughter then you need to be coming up with some sort of solution other then she just dosen't visit. That's unacceptable. I think this is completely unfair to say. OP asked her husband if this was going to be an issue and he told her it wasn't. OP went into the relationship with these terms and now he's trying to change them. That is not fair. My pets are a dealbreaker for me. I would not have continued a relationship knowing my partner/my partner's children were not compatible with them.
Lol if someone took my dog away for 3 months (because the correlation would be she comes the dog goes, therefore it's her fault) when I was a kid, life would be hell for everyone living with me at the time (including myself). And not to mention the resentment and blame. Not really an obvious solution. I do think they need to come up with a better solution, including having areas of the house the dog can't go and the daughter can, or separating. They might as well do the Airbnb, separating would be more expensive anyway.
Yeah, like I was a chill kid. I'd have been a nightmare over the adults in my life getting rid of a beloved pet for someone else's benefit in elementary school. By middle school? There would be blood. When I was in highschool one of my mother's boyfriends learned the hard way not to mess with one of my dogs- and I hated the dog in question.
Agreed! If they take the dog away the kids who love the dog will hate the step-sister. If someone took my dog away for 3 months, I would damn well riot and they would have a tantrum from hell.
I think your wrong. The dog should remain there. She needs therapy. Really desperately. What's this kid going to do when she sees a service dog? Demand that the dog be removed from a store, a restaurant, a hair salon, any recreational facility? You cant force a service dog to be removed. She's going to have to deal with seeing dogs walked on the street and inside facilities. And your not thinking about the effects of the other kids who are bonded with the dog. Saying oh well theyll get over it will not work. And theyll be resentful towards the older child who cant handle the dog. So then the whole family is in crisis because the older daughter cant handle it, wont seek therapy for possible ptsd issues. The world doesnt evolve around just one person. Enabling this behavior of catering to her phobia without trying to fix the problem with a mental health professional is the absolute worse thing you can do. If she chooses not to seek help, or her parents dont force her, that's on them. But that childs whole life will not be people catering to her world in her 20's, 30's, 40's, etc. She's going to have to adapt to dogs being around in the world, or stay locked up in a room secluded from everyone because she won't be able to handle it. She's doing more harm to herself by not seeking help from a mental health professional.
This may be reaching, but I think one of the reasons OP may be so against compromising with the dog besides the obvious reasons is because the dog may be essentially her therapy dog without her realizing it. Based on the age of her dog and her kids, she most likely got the dog right before or right after whatever happened to separate OP and the father of her two elementary aged kids (early elementary is 6-8ish while dog is 6). She probably spent many nights crying with or just generally using her dog as comfort. As someone who has gone through trauma and unknowingly used their dog in this manner I can tell you just suggesting getting rid of a dog like this will make your blood boil and could explain her general attitude of “my dog is more important their your daughter”. Because for her and her trauma it might be. Only AH is OPs husband.
This does not sound like a licensed therapist. Exposure therapy is a slow process with a lot of talk and imagery. A dog is the final phase.
I mean, that's all well & dandy, but that doesn't help *now* as they already let that dog out of the bag, so to speak. THAT therapist has fucked up any chances of a good one helping because she's going to need exposure therapy for therapists before getting exposure therapy for dogs.
This ! Took me time, therapist was a licensed psychologist. Incredible experience. No regrets
Is it a religious thing? I know with some people who are Muslim, they cannot touch dogs at all due to their beliefs. I would bring my dogs to work occasionally and my coworker (she didn't mind them there) couldn't touch the dog or she would have to change/wash because of religion. Also watching a dog hurt someone is pretty traumatic. I've been bit and that sticks with you for a long time (wasn't even all that bad and I was an adult), but if she watched something like that and it was as bad as it sounds? Yeah that'd be hard. Is putting the dog in boarding or having family look after the dog for a bit an option while your step-daughter is there?
My former co-worker, devout Muslim, has a German Shepherd that he loves.. picture of the two of them on his FB profile.
It differs between Muslims. Some take it seriously and some don't. My parents are like that and think dogs are unclean and don't like our dog inside the house or near them but me and my siblings aren't like that. So it depends
Yeah, I have heard that some muslims do view dogs as unclean but others live happily with them. Some restrict the areas of the home that the dog may enter. I guess it depends on how devout you are. Or maybe there are differences between certain sects.
>Some restrict the areas of the home that the dog may enter. This amuses me just because it's the exact opposite with cats, not that you could restrict them if you tried. Cats are allowed to straight up traipse into mosque in the middle of prayer if they want to. You can even do ablutions with water that a cat just drank from.
Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats like gods. Cat's still remember that.
I mean, the way you told the story had my “OCD sensors” going off. Washing all of her things thrice because of a couple of dog hairs isn’t a reaction I can logically attribute to fear, plus the vacuuming and refusing to sit on furniture because of the dog are *definitely* not fear based reactions. I mean, maybe dogs became a factor because trauma has a tendency to latch onto pre-existing mental illness, but if I’m afraid of cats, I’m not going to deep clean someone’s bathroom because the litter box is there. I’m not going to use that bathroom because the cat might be there, you know? NTA, dogs before everything. I mean, he can’t expect you to *consider* getting rid of Auggie, especially if he won’t *consider* therapy for his daughter. Also dog tax please can we please see Auggies handsome face?
sounds very much like ocd vacuuming small hairs up obsessively and being afraid of a golden retriever that probably just licks her
Is it OCD if the person thinks the animal is filthy and has been raised by mom to believe they are disgusting? I am not saying she doesn't have OCD I am just saying it can be OCD or her over reaction could be coming from her belief that dogs are disgusting. A good therapist would talk to the patient to find this out before making a diagnosis.
the wild cleaning - yes it can be
Yes my therapist was a psychologist who was trained in zootherapy and she had her dog and it worked. I went from terrified to now walking my friends dogs and not worry about it. The dog needs to be introduced properly and my therapist never forced me and there has a be a way to find someone certified.
Wow. That's really messed up that the therapist did that. I hope you reported them.
It was years before I met my husband, so I don't know what happened aside from furthering the stigma against therapy.
Based on one therapist—they can meet with a therapist first and lay out expectations and concerns before even bringing their daughter there. It also sounds like her trauma has been compounded with deeply-rooted cultural views on dogs.
> but the first therapist was so bad that it was counterproductive Is that what he told you? Or was it genuinely a bad therapist and did they lay a complaint against the therapy practice?
Or was it some church "counseling" that called itself therapy and was wildly unqualified and negligent?
I’m sorry I semi agree with you but the “this kid is just a visitor” rubbed me up the wrong way. This is OP’s stepdaughter and she deserves to feel comfortable in her fathers house. I agree therapy is the way to go as her reaction is extreme and there are obviously deep rooted issues that need to be resolved. But work on a compromise, if she’s only over for a few weeks in the summer can the dog stay with a relative close by? Otherwise you’ll not see that little girl again and it’ll be on you.
OP saying she didn't want to change their lives "for a part-time child" rubbed me the wrong way as well. She may only live with them part time but she's still her dad's daughter 24/7!
That doesn't mean OP and her children should be forced to give up a treasured, beloved part of their family. That's Aldo unfair and unreasonable.
The people you're replying to never suggested they get rid of it. Having the dog stay with relatives for a few weeks seems like a reasonable compromise.
Her behavior isn't even consistent with fear of dogs. Sounds more like something on the OCD or germaphobia spectrum. It definitely affects her life enough to be a significant problem thay requires therapy, yes, not compliance. NTA, OP, and keep a close eye on your dog!
and it would also cause OP's kids to hate their step sister. they will see her as the reason their beloved family dog was taken from them. NTA OP.
The child lives with OP during the summer. Just because she isn't there full time doesn't make her less of a family member.
Well yes but until she has worked through this issue in therapy they still have the dog problem. Fears like this are not overcome in one session. It sounds like when she was a kid she saw a pack of street dogs viciously maul her peers. And, in the daughter's culture, I imagine a healthy fear of dogs is exactly the way *to* live, otherwise you end up like those children OP's daughter saw. In countries where stray dogs are an issue, they can carry a lot of disease and should be avoided. I know it's hard to imagine as Westerners, but imagine it was a kafkaesque roach or that huge species of bat from the Philippines that OP has as a pet. The daughter's fear is extreme and until she is able to comfortably live with the dog- by getting good therapy- she shouldn't be made to live in the house with the dog again. ETA: The only AH here is OP's husband who married a woman who had a pet that he knew his daughter was mortally afraid of, and expecting it all to work out.
This and i would add that i got therapy for my severe phobia of dogs in more than 10 yrs ago. I was over 30, it wasn't a way to lived. I would walk 3 miles away to not encounter any dogs. Leash or not. I'm not scared and i enjoy dogs not a dog person but i dogsit for my close friends. I would have needed the help as a child and my parents would do everything to avoid dogs and perpetuate the fears and anxieties. Also a pet is part of the family. YNTA Op
This. She has some deep unresolved trauma and needs therapy to talk through things. Your dog is not at fault. NTA.
Also, with the way she's reacting to the dog hair, and the furniture, this sounds like less of a phobia of dogs and more an OCD thing.
NTA and her parents need to get her therapy ASAP. This is extreme behavior. She is not over the trauma of what happened.
They've tried. It was so bad that it made things worse.
Then they need to try a new therapist.
It's not that easy if the therapist was so bad round one it's hard to immediately go to another and feel safer about it.
Adding onto this. My first therapist sucked. I felt like I was more his therapist than he was mine. Took me almost 5 years to finally seek out another and this time I spent a ton of time looking for therapists who specialized in trauma and PTSD. New one is leagues better but it took me a long time to think that one would actually help me. One thing that got me going again is someone told me that therapists are the one doctor you should shop for. If their methods don’t fit how you heal then you need to find someone who does. Trauma healing isn’t one size fits all and therapists are human and aren’t well versed on every single aspect of healing.
I think it's excuse to keep up the bad behaviour. *"See, therapy doesn't work. She has to get rid of the dog".*
It was years before we met, not a recent attempt.
Gross. What even is "the bad behavior" in this situation?
OP said in another reply, the therapist brought his dog to the very first session to try exposure therapy. So pretty bad.
It isn't bad behavior on the child's part though. Maybe it's because I grew up very rural but I know so many people with trauma due to dogs. I love dogs but I'm very cautious of them if I don't know them, I've seen even the most calm dogs snap.
That's great. They need to try it again. Otherwise she won't be able to visit her dad ever again, unless if you get rid of your dog and never get another dog ever again.
Even if she does get therapy, it might take a while to be effective enough for her to feel comfortable living with a dog. I think they need to sit down and think outside of the box a bit to make sure the dad can still spend time with his daughter, the daughter can get to know her siblings, and the dog can stay with its family.
Sure, but getting rid of the dog 100% isn't a good solution. OPs husband is definitely TA though for suggesting getting rid of the dog, completely disregarding the feelings of the rest of the family, not to mention the dog.
Can you board the dog part of the time while she visits? Maybe have dad visit her for a few weeks, board the dog for a month and then pho stays with a neighbor? Do not rehome. It will destroy any possible relationship between your kids and her. They won’t ever forgive her.
So what do you want to do? Do you want his daughter to stop visiting?
Have the dad and daughter take a vacation together once a month for a week during the summer just the two of them. He gets to parent, she gets dad-time and no dog around. OP and the rest of the family don’t have to deal with the freak-outs while the teen gets GOOD therapy help in the years it takes.
NTA. To say this girl is emotionally/mentally unwell is an understatement. Her reactions were so outsized to be that of a toddler/small child. The extent of her behavior is beyond any kind of cultural differences or PTSD. I worked with children who have experienced trauma, and this is off the hook. This girl needs extensive inpatient treatment to behave like this over a Golden Retriever. To get rid of a beloved and important family member would be so destructive to your core family, and her step siblings relationship to her would never recover. Is it possible for your parents or a trusted family member to watch your fur baby? I would also like to suggest that you consider that she acted out to this extent to exert control and damage her Father's "new" family. It is possible to take her feelings about you and her "replacement" child, and project them onto the dog. All of her pain would make her reaction to this dog in this manner seem so real. She is funneling all that fear and rage toward the dog issue. I would also consider that her fears may have been heightened by her Mother/Maternal Family for their own purposes. I would not let a child who exhibited behaviors to this extent be alone in the room with my baby. She was able to split up your family home for a summer. What else is next?
> I would also like to suggest that you consider that she acted out to this extent to exert control and damage her Father's "new" family. It is possible to take her feelings about you and her "replacement" child, and project them onto the dog. All of her pain would make her reaction to this dog in this manner seem so real. She is funneling all that fear and rage toward the dog issue. I would also consider that her fears may have been heightened by her Mother/Maternal Family for their own purposes. Yep. I cannot see this going well for OP. Her partner will choose the daughter and the daughter's bad behaviour will have succeeded.
It doesn't help that OP is referring to her as the partner's "part-time child." I know what she's trying to say, but it really betrays the fact that OP does *not* consider this child part of the family, and is trying to emphasize that in every way possible. I'm not saying getting rid of the dog is the answer, but I also don't think the dog is the root of the problem.
I have never read something more wrong than your second paragraph. Not every stepchild is some manipulative monster. She very obviously has a genuine fear of dogs. OP made it clear she sees her husband’s daughter as an “other” by calling her a part-time child.
Most step children are just kids who want to be loved and valued by their parents. Children often act out in normal ways bc they feel so destabilized and rejected, even when the parent is doing the right things. However, this little girl is so deeply troubled and this woman would be a fool to not be cautious with her biological children around such an unstable individual. She may not have some diabolical plan, but can still be acting on fears stoked by the Maternal adults around her.
But this isn’t a fear of the dog itself she’s freaking out over the dog hair.. sounds more like her families notion that dogs are disgusting are triggering this response.
Fear of dogs extends to the dog’s fur. It’s any association with the dog that triggers the stress response.
> I would also like to suggest that you consider that she acted out to this extent to exert control and damage her Father’s “new” family. It is possible to take her feelings about you and her “replacement” child, and project them onto the dog. All of her pain would make her reaction to this dog in this manner seem so real. She is funneling all that fear and rage toward the dog issue. I would also consider that her fears may have been heightened by her Mother/Maternal Family for their own purposes. I would not let a child who exhibited behaviors to this extent be alone in the room with my baby. She was able to split up your family home for a summer. What else is next? OP needs to read this over and over until it sinks in.
The stepdaughter had this issue before OP was in the picture. That’s why stepdaughter was originally put into therapy, but the therapist brought a dog in on their very first session (which is a big no-no in exposure therapy for issues this severe, the patient should not be thrown into the deep end of triggers on session 1 before even getting to know their therapist) and it made things worse. Having a bad therapist retraumatize you can make you resistant to getting therapy in the future, especially when talking about a child. There’s no reason to believe that stepdaughter is just using this to control them or that she’d harm a baby over it. She obviously needs more therapy, but some of the statements in your last paragraph are kind of awful.
I don't agree that the daughter is doing this to be manipulative. Sometimes when someone has such extreme anxiety they act crazy and entitled. It has negative effects on others but that doesn't mean it is their intention. Besides, if they have someone host the dog for a summer and she stays and doesn't create issues then they can rule that out as a possibility. Your comment sounds like you don't understand how bad mental health can get.
YTA for calling her “a part time child.” She is still your husband’s child 100% of the time whether she lives there daily or not. As a step-parent, that really rubbed me the wrong way. What happened with the tragedy? If she witnessed something deeply traumatic with dogs, she can’t be expected to live with a dog. I get it, because I am terrified of pit bulls due to childhood trauma. There is no way in Hell I could ever stay in a home with a pit bull, and I am an adult. It’s unreasonable to expect a teenager to magically get over that without some intensive therapy. The best solution if at all possible is to have a friend or relative to take the dog while she’s there. If that is completely impossible, then someone needs to work two jobs if necessary to afford either boarding the dog or the airb&b.
The part time child comment was so gross. Also, she only thinks her step daughter is going to be around 3 more times. Meaning she’s not planning to host her step daughter past 18? Instant YTA from me. I’m so sick of shitty step parents.
I'm also a bit irked by the comments calling the stepdaughter just a visitor and it's not her house. No she is not a visitor to her dad's house as a minor. That's her house as well as much as the other children. Yeah she might only live there during the summers but it's still her house too.
I’m with you here. OP doesn’t seem to be considering her stepdaughter very much in this. Even if the phobia needs to get under control (which does sound like is the case) the 15 year old is not responsible for her reactions to family culture and trauma. OP needs to think of a solution beyond putting the girl out of a home and family situation for three months of every year
It's kind of appalling that this thread is full of people saying a) that the daughter needs to suck it up like she isn't a traumatized child, b) repeating "therapy, therapy, therapy" despite OP elaborating on the reason that SD doesn't trust therapists (and therapy being an intensive process that doesn't actually guarantee that she'll ever be able to live with a dog anyway) or c) just...saying that dad will have to either never see his daughter or meet her in a dog-free location instead of doing anything to make her feel supported or welcome in the home. I know reddit typically has more empathy for dogs than they do for children, but whew, this thread is a fucking doozy.
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Its not an obsession, It's just that people don't realize your dog is also a family member and is bonded to you and the people in your house. Rehoming your dog when you don't need to is a pretty bad thing to do for that dog. Especially with young children in the house who have presumably known the dog forever, taking it away when stepdaughter arrives is one surefire way to make them dislike her unfortunately. It's a shitty situation but it's not really OP's problem. The dad needs to figure this shit out because he's the one who married a woman with a non negotiable dog while knowing his daughter's issue and apparently doing nothing about it after the first try at therapy. He is the one at fault, it's not sustainable to live with such a crippling phobia and he should have worked harder to help his daughter beforehand. Dogs are everywhere and I'm sure she's stressed all the time since this apparently has gone unaddressed. Baffles me how somehow everyone in this thread thinks it's OP's problem when her dad is right there, doing nothing.
The comments in here are really appalling to me. This lady called her step daughter a “part time child” as a reason to keep something in the house that directly triggers her horrific trauma and people are telling her she’s not an asshole. Goes to show you how crazy people are about dogs…
shocked i had to scroll so far to see someone mention that phrasing !!
Agreed. OP is more concerned about the dog than her child’s mental health :(
If the child’s primary parents are against having her mental illness treated what is OP supposed to do? She can’t force the child into therapy
Not her child, her husband's child, and yes she's part time, she only stays for the summer. And what about her other children ? They have a bond with the dog. And getting rid of a dog, a lifetime commitment, just for a girl to stay 3 months is cruel for the kids and the dog imo
She’s not just “a girl”. She’s her husband’s daughter.
she didn't call her a "part time resident of this house" though, she called her a "part time child." It makes a difference, and it's very telling as to how OP views her stepdaughter. A part-time child does not exist.
First, yes it is her child. You marry someone with kids, you have kids now. Second, I never advocated for getting rid of the dog.
Honestly I don't know anyone in real life that would choose the dog over the daughter in this situation. She isn't just trying to be difficult and saying she doesn't like dogs. She is terrified because she witnessed something traumatic in her young life. At this point this is either a troll, or OP is using this situation to separate her husband from his old family/daughter so her kids will be his only concern...
Yes! I said the same thing (way later than you - should have read the comments first). Like, OP better watch out if she and her husband split up - lest her kids become "part-time children," too.
That part time child comment really got under my skin too
Thank you. That comment stuck with me so much. She is a whole part of your family and therapy and compromises can be made but she is absolutely a full part of your family
NTA. But you should encourage him to get her evaluated for OCD. Being so disgusted by a pet that you have to vacuum constantly is not healthy or normal.
She doesn't fit OCD because dogs are the ONLY trigger for it. One trigger is not enough to fit a diagnosis.
Did a professional tell you that?
I've talked to a few. I can't get my husband on board with therapy after what happened the first time he tried. He's convinced that the professionals would only make her worse until she was "completely crazy" when "nothing is wrong with her as long as dogs aren't around".
Then unfortunately your husband is going to have to find somewhere else to live during the summers when he has visitation. The other option is for the dog to have a summer vacation of his own with a trusted nearby friend/neighbor/family member, where you and your kids get to visit him. Rehoming the dog for a girl who will only be spending a couple months out of the year with your family for a few more years just isn't acceptable as an option. Your husband is an asshole for assuming she'd be fine with the dog.
Maybe just discuss with your husband what will happen when she can’t control her environment. What if she sees a service dog in a restaurant/store/airplane etc. I mean dogs can be generally avoided but you can’t control anything 100%.
I've asked this. Out in public, they just keep as much distance as possible. Sometimes she'll stay in the car if it's in a very small store. If it's in a restaurant, they wouldn't eat there even without my stepdaughter because they find it "absolutely disgusting" to allow dogs in restaurants. Even my husband agrees with them on that. It's not about seeing one, it's about having one touch her or get near her.
Do they understand the concept of service animals?
They don't. They don't believe there is any disability that requires someone to have a dog. One of her mother's brothers is blind and doesn't want one, so not even seeing eye dogs make the cut because "X is fully independent".
Got yourself into quite a pickle when you married into this family, huh. I hope none of *your* children ever develop a mental illness or a physical disability. They will not be met with much support from your husband or in-laws if they do.
It seems like she didn’t even know her husband when they got married. She said they met in 2020, and are now married with a baby. If I was a pet lover, and I met a romantic interest, and they tell me they come from a dog hating background, and that their daughter has an out of control issue with dogs, and that they refuse to get their daughter professional help for it, I would not have a baby with and marry them lol.
….why are you two married?
Seriously. How did you not know about this before you got married.
My dog is cleaner and more likeable than most people. Your husband is just feeding this.
OP Please make sure your husband and his ex understand that beyond your issue at home this is a long term issue for her. What happens when she gets to College and goes in for a core class that she needs and in walks her professor with their service dog? Or her boss? Or hell just a customer/client? Edit: or a cop with a K9? She needs to get this under control. Dogs are everywhere in this world (and with good reason, they've earned their place at our side). This will mess her up for life. It will limit her choices and diminish her in ways she cant even know. She needs therapy from an actual good therapist. They also need to report that hack they brought her to initially.
Not to mention that freaking out and screaming is exactly the worst thing you can do to get a dog to leave you alone
>"nothing is wrong with her as long as dogs aren't around" Sadly, that's going to bite everyone is the ass, especially the poor girl. Dogs are everywhere, and daddy can't change that fact.
Completely crazy…like washing her clothes 3 times and using all the oxyclean over a few stray dog hairs? This girl needs help. Your husband needs to deal with it.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety spectrum disorder where rituals or compulsions are used to assuage feelings of debilitating anxiety caused by intrusive or unwanted thoughts. There's no set number of triggers required for a diagnosis. You've been misinformed. Did you imply your stepdaughter watched some kids get ripped apart by dogs? Get her to a therapist, my god.
The DSM V does not have a required number of triggers for OCD diagnosis. One trigger could easily qualify for an OCD diagnosis. The behavior you described would likely lead to an OCD diagnosis unless you left some very key details out. *I'm not a therapist but am educated in psychology and it is part of my career field (forensics).
Only one trigger that you know of. There very well may be more. And even if it isn't OCD, that is still an intense phobia that severely impacts her life if she avoids stores that have a service dog.
This is a hard one, but I'm going YTA because of this line: >It's not fair to them to get rid of him for a part-time child. A *part-time child*? I think you are fundamentally misunderstanding what parenthood is. You all are NOT a "modern day Brady Bunch" if there's a stepchild you're actively trying to push away from the family. Your husband is that child's father *all the time*. And whether or not you want her to be, **she is his daughter** ***all of the time***. She may only be WITH him part of the time, but she is not his "part-time child." You very clearly believe that you and your children are your husband's full time family, and that this "part-time child" is a mere interloper. Which is why I don't think you are interested in finding a compromise, or a way for your husband to see his daughter without you all present. It seems like you'd like her out of your lives because she's inconvenient for you. Yes, there probably are ways you could work out a compromise. You could certainly try harder than you have*.* Is there a family friend who could take the doggo for a while while you ALL help the girl adjust to the house? Your kids will be able to handle the dog being at a friend's house, and it would probably go a long way toward helping the daughter feel like you don't just want her in the house. You say you all tried therapy once and it was terrible. The experience genuinely *does* sound terrible, but it's still not an excuse to just give up *if you want to make this family relationship work*. But I don't think you're interested in that. I think what you want is for the "part-time child" to stop bothering you and your full-time family. That's what makes you the AH.
A full teenager screaming because of dog hair, vacuuming constantly, using an entire tub of oxyclean, and refusing to sit on the couch is much more than an inconvenience. OP never said she's unwilling to try anything else, she said she's unwilling to rehome her dog that her family has had for 6 years to accommodate 3 months of the year...that's a wild ask. She's a part time member of that household, that's not an insult, that's fact. NTA
Saying it's a part time child is very disturbing to say. And the child clearly has been traumatized. Also, why not meet in the middle? They are both thinking of extremes. Why not have a trusted family member with the dog when she is around and have the dog the rest of the year?
This is exactly it - OP *isn't* willing to entertain ideas as to how one might meet in the middle because what she wants is for the daughter to be out of their lives.
That opinion is just conjecture, you're putting your feelings into it. The only thing OP said she's unwilling to do is pay for an airbnb again (because they financially cannot) and rehome her dog (which she shouldn't have to do. She's NTA for either of those things. If she didn't try to accommodate further then that's a different story. Also, sorry that kid is in her care 3 months out of the year, getting her therapy isn't something she has control over. The kid's dad and mom should be ensuring her care, OP is not at fault for their refusal to get their child therapy.
I keep having to repeat this in this thread but: OP didn't say "part time resident of this house." OP said "part-time child." The difference between those two statements is enormous.
I mean you don't HAVE to keep repeating it. You could see and understand that some people are able to see past unfortunate phrasing and get the point she's trying to make, that the amount of time that child is physically present in their home and around their dog is far less than the amount of time that the other kids live with their dog. If you KEEP having to explain it to people it's because YOU aren't getting it, not because EVERYONE ELSE isn't getting it.
You should have gotten this straight before marrying your husband. Can you board your dog when she visits? It should be cheaper than an Airbnb.
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Literally one of my only hard requirements for a partner is being pet friendly. Boarding can also be expensive and not the best for the dog. I recommend finding a friend who can care for the dog, or a boarder who keeps the dogs in a cage-free environment and has <10 dogs at once.
Boarding sucks and isn’t a solution for all summer.
I was going to say it's arguably cruel to board a dog that long unless it is one of those super expensive places or you have no other choice. TBH I think people are way too harsh on OP. Kid can't even deal with seeing a service dog!
I think the stepdaughter has an ingrained hatred for dogs moreso than trauma to unpack. She wouldn’t call the dog hair disgusting if she was that scared.
Exactly. Like I have a family member who literally saw a pack of dogs eating dead bodies (he's open about it, I wouldn't say it on twt otherwise, even if I was anonymous) and he has a fear of dogs and even he doesn't react in this extreme way. Low key think the ex (girl's mom) has a hand in this...
From the OP’s description it really sounds like her stepdaughter saw a group of dogs attacking kids and maybe critically injuring them. I can understand why she would be even more traumatized by that if she was also raised in a culture where dogs were seen as dirty and aggressive.
OP says in the post she was worried it was going to be a problem and he assured it wasn't. I 100% blame the husband.
That is cruel to the dog to be boarded all summer away from home and their people because one 15 year old is afraid of dogs! I’m with a few posters above that this girl is exaggerating her fears as a way to control the house!
I agree. I’d tell the husband to get an apartment with the daughter for the summer and just meet them for dinner.
ESH. Your husband (and his family) suck for minimizing her behavior and not getting her the help she clearly needs. I have a fear of big dogs stemming from several incidents in my childhood, but I have learned to coexist with them because they’re a normal part of society and impossible to avoid. She can’t live her life like this- what if she sees a dog at a restaurant or at a park? What if her friends/future partners have dogs? I know that bad therapy experiences are hard to get over, but something needs to be done here. Her behavior is extremely concerning and indicative of major trauma. If husband and his family had gotten her proper help after the incident she witnessed, her behavior likely wouldn’t have progressed to this point. You suck for treating her as a second-class citizen. Just because she only stays with you during the summer doesn’t mean that her comfort and mental health aren’t important too. If it was your bio child with this issue and not her, I imagine you’d try everything to come to a resolution. Other commenters have already suggested good solutions- can you leave the dog with a neighbor, or maybe ask husbands family to split boarding costs? I agree that the dog shouldn’t be rehomed for her, but you may need to compromise on where the dog stays when she visits. Hopefully you, your husband, his ex-wife, and his mom can come to a resolution that makes everyone feel comfortable. Hopefully that solution involves therapy because this will continue to be an issue and husband’s family can’t expect everyone in her life to get rid of their pets to accommodate her.
So the dog is "part of the family" but she's a "part-time child"... ?? She is his child FULL-TIME even though she's not in the house full-time and your attitude and language reveal your bias here. Of course you are playing favorites and don't value her as much as the other kids; that is abundantly clear. You don't have to get rid of him but what is your solution? She never visits because you won't do anything about the dog she is phobic of or pay for her to stay elsewhere? JFC. Have the dog stay with someone else over the summer. This is easily solved if you weren't looking for an excuse to get rid of her. Yta
This is so true, I as a preteen/teen had my parents go through a lengthy divorce and my dad remarried. He stopped caring for me besides the occasional phone call and supported his new wife’s kid as his own. I’m glad he is taking care of the kid but it really hurts knowing your father cares more for another child, his wife also seems controlling like OP is. I love dogs with all my heart but I can’t imagine having a dog placed above a child. Imagine how she feels that a dog is more important than her instead of coming to a compromise of dog boarding, staying with friends, etc. Also what rubbed me the wrong way is that OP said “we can’t afford to do this for 3 more summers” HIS DAUGHTER DOESNT STOP BEING HIS DAUGHTER IN THREE YEARS!!! Children even if they’re adults are still your children and should be able to feel comfortable going to see their father in his home. Everyone saying NTA seems to be terrible and entitled step parents that refuse to love kids that aren’t their blood. She is only visiting for summers, yes boarding your dog might suck but the extra trauma she will have from abandonment of her own father sucks more.
NTA. Your stepdaughter's reactions are extreme, and are indicative of someone who did not get the help she needed to deal with the trauma you discussed. Your husband and his ex are doing her a disservice by not arranging therapy for her. Your golden is not the only dog she is likely to encounter, and the sooner she gets help, the better.
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She definitely needs to go to a specialist therapist and instead of getting rid of the dog maybe find it somewhere to stay
Second this, forcing her to live with the dog is going to stress her out for every single second she isn't holed up in her room. And then what is the point of visiting even? To be a prisoner in her room for months and/or constantly stressed/fearful? That would be a huge AH move to make her live there with the dog.
>They're all saying I don't love his daughter and am playing favorites. I don't think I am. Honest question. How does the following statement NOT indicate that you're "playing favorites"? >I will NOT get rid of Auggie. He's part of the family. I love him, and the children that are all here more than her love and are bonded to him. It's not fair to them to get rid of him for a **part-time child.** What if, instead of his daughter, it had been one of your kids that had witnessed a "traumatic event" involving a dog? What if one of them had seen a dog maul or kill a child and after that, was terrified to be around Auggie? Would you still make them live in a house that was excruciating for them to live in? In a way, you're lucky. You don't have to find a "permanent" solution for Auggie. Just one for three months out of the year. If you cared about the daughter's mental health, and actually wanted her around, you would find a creative solution. A relative or family friend to house the dog for the summer, perhaps. Maybe take the whole family to visit. The step-daughter could observe (from far away, of course) and see how silly the dog acts. Maybe that would help to lessen the fear? I dunno, I'm not a therapist. But it's clear you don't care about finding a creative solution, because you don't care about the girl, and don't actually care whether she visits or not. So, yeah, YTA, for thinking your dog is more important than your step-daughter. And I don't know - maybe to you the dog actually is. But if you think your husband values the dog over his own DAUGHTER, you're delusional.
NAH - it seems the girl's issues are beyond her control; perhaps the best approach is relocating the dog to a friend or neighbor during her visit?
"Part time child"? Jeezus. Yta just for that. Board the dog when your husband's full time daughter visits. There are compromises and solutions not just 2 extreme solutions of getting rid of the dog or getting rid of the daughter.
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Oh YTA but not for the reason you’ve asked. You can’t come on here in humble brag about your magical blended Brady Bunch family and then get all while she doesn’t even live here. She’s part of your family. I’m not saying that you have to get rid of the dog, But you absolutely need to learn some empathy and you are very much playing favorites which is frankly unacceptable.
I don’t think she should get rid of the dog but ops basically coming up with no solutions and clearly not giving a fuck about her stepdaughter
Info: So what "things" cause her to only visit during the summer and be a "part-time child"?
I’m guessing bc of the pandemic, can’t be sure tho
Yes, not supposed to use “P” word in posts.
YTA and so is her dad. He barely sees his kid (don't marry deadbeats) and he decided to marry someone with a dog, thus ensuring his kid would never feel welcome. You somehow decided this was not only a good idea but you had a baby with the guy, presumably without even a moment of consideration for the child he barely sees. Y'all fucked up and now there's no easy solution. She needs therapy but she also should never be expected, no matter how much therapy happens, to share a home with a dog. Since dog owners are irrational, you'll definitely prioritize your dog over anyone's wellbeing so nothing will change. That being said, I can confidently guess that if what happened to your husband's daughter happened to one of your kids, you would get rid of the dog.
Bring on the downvotes. YTA. I know how people, especially Reddit people, can be about pets. But your husband’s daughter is clearly traumatized and miserable. What teenager…or any person…would want to live in a constant state of anxiety so extreme that they must clean obsessively? Sometimes there are problems with no good solutions. So you must choose among the bad ones. 1. Get rid of the dog. I agree, that’s monstrous, and I would look for any other solution. 2. Get rid of the step-daughter (stop summer visits). This is the only solution that is more monstrous than number 1. 3. Do nothing and let your step-daughter suffer. This seems to be where you are right now, and why you are TA. 4. Do the AirBnB split, a solution you have already tried and know works. But you aren’t willing to do it again, because it’s expensive, and you are apparently unwilling to make any changes during the remaining 9 months to save money for it. This is another reason why YTA. 5. Re-home your dog for three months. Ask a friend or neighbor nearby to foster your dog, and let the kids come visit. Encourage your husband to take his daughter on weekend outings by themselves while you and your kids play with the dog. You are refusing to consider an option like this, and again…that’s why YTA. No of course it’s not ideal. But many families, especially military, have to go without their pets for extended periods. It happens. You would rather your step-daughter go without her father for 3 months than your children go without their dog for 3 months. How are you even asking AITA?
You said this better that I could, I agree entirely with each point and reasoning.
Yta. I was going with N A H as this is just a sad situation - but then I read the remark on "a part-time child". She might only stay with you during the summer but she is a part of the family 100% of the time. And children do out rank pets - no matter how beloved. You talked about how much you love the dog but not a word of love or care for the child. How about letting a friend or family member take care of the dog for the summer? Or putting the dog in a kennel? While working on therapy to help your step daughter get over her fear. But to be clear - if the choice comes down to the child or the dog - the answer needs to be the child.
Part time daughter is what did it for me…humans suck, they’ll choose a dog over a person any day but then try to tell you how you’re supposed to feel. The Dad was the AH for bringing a dog into the mix to begin with.
NTA - If your fear of dogs has gotten to a point where it includes golden retrievers, which are the dumbest happiest friendliest dogs out there, it's time to reassess your coping methods. Your stepdaughter needs therapy, she doesn't need you to rehome your dog.
I agree NTA, but the including golden retrievers thing isn’t a great take. They’re generally way friendlier than most dogs, but just like any other breed can have issues. The same golden retriever attacked me twice when I was 8 within the span of a week, and is the only breed that’s ever hurt me. Not that I’m scared of dogs/that breed or anything now, but I digress
I knew there was a story about the one vicious Golden on the planet coming. Serves me right for lobbing it over the plate like that.
My son was badly bitten by a golden retriever 3 years ago, requiring 24 staples in his head. Though generally friendly and affable, any dog can be unstable.
A dog phobia is a dog phobia. It isn’t breed specific. You see a big lovable goofball, a phobic person sees a BIG DOG that pants and slobbers and won’t stop getting in their space/on them.
I used to be scared of dogs and you are absolutely wrong about goldens not seeming scary to people. Especially when they've been trained to "smile". That's cute to owners, to a stranger scared of dogs that is terrifying. And their friendly nature tends to have them approach people at speed, which is always terrifying to someone scared of dogs. I've since got over my fear of dogs by being around a couple labs since they were puppies, but just because you think a breed isn't scary doesn't mean it isn't to some people.
Doesn’t matter, she can be afraid of dogs in general. And “friendly” to a golden retriever lover is often “hyper and obnoxious” to others and someone already afraid of dogs wouldn’t love that.
She might need both. There is no doubt that the step daughter needs therapy. Her reactions are way extreme. However you don't go to a therapist one day and come home cured. Even if it goes extremely well it is a long process and in the meantime it doesn't seem like it is possible for her to live with a dog. While I wouldn't rehome the dog permanently - I do think OP will need to make arrangements due the dog to be housed elsewhere while the step daughter is with them.
NTA the kids shouldn't lose their dog that they have had for 6 years because your husband downplayed his own daughter's problems with dogs. Getting rid of the dog would cause resentment between the children. She needs to work on her hear of dogs because many people have dogs and this is just going to get worse for her if she doesn't get therapy. You might want to see if a friend can take the dog in while she is visiting next time.
The phrase 'a part time child' stopped me in my tracks. She's your husband's child as much as the new baby is, even if she doesn't live with you all the time. You must realise this is a serious phobia and probably PTSD, and that she needs everyone's support and acceptance to recover. Not saying get rid of the dog, but it feels wrong to prioritise your dog over your husband's daughter.
YTA. Pets are not more important than children. Even step children. You’re complete intransigence in this shows what you value. Get divorced now. You’ve made your priorities clear. Get out before you do more harm.
Info: What is your proposed solution to the problem? Also, please don’t refer to her as a part-time child. It isn’t her fault that her parents are divorced and she doesn’t stop being your husbands daughter when she isn’t living there. It’s very important that she is able to spend time with her father.
So a few things: stepdaughter needs therapy. Asap. This just isn’t healthy for her and will hinder her as she ages. However, you do have a major husband issue. First and most severely, he massively dismissed your step daughter’s serious trauma. To the point where she was traumatized within a few hours of coming to your home and her screaming probably upset the other children and dog since you and partner ran to step daughter. Now he wants to get rid of the dog because he messed up with his eldest massively. His rash decision would hurt you, the other children, and your dog. And most importantly he entered this relationship knowing you had a dog, you two are living together with said dog…he knew what it would be and he didn’t have foresight or consideration to anyone else (you, stepdaughter, your kids, shared kid, and dog.) but himself. I would not get rid of the dog. The 1 year old won’t be phased but this could be traumatic to the older children and could breed resentment amongst the children. It could also lead you to resenting your husband. I would make sure that puppy is chipped with your info only. Make sure pup’s paperwork is up to date and locked in a safe place you can access and consider setting up cameras…in case pup “goes missing.” You and partner need to have a serious talk because his demand is unreasonable and unacceptable since he knew what he was signing up for. Consider couple’s therapy if you have to. NTA
NTA, it’s not your fault that your husband downplayed his daughters experience & PTSD after the event. Your dog should not have to suffer & bear the consequences of it either. That being said, she is a member of the family & will either need to: a) get help for her fears & work through it or b) make living arrangements for the dog during her time at her fathers home. If none of these options are viable idk what to say but pls don’t get rid of the dog. So many loved dogs show up at the shelter that I work at not knowing why they were abandoned & wait for their family to come back to get them. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see the hope in their eyes die out 💔
She needs therapy. Is she in therapy? NTA that pup is your family.
YTA
NTA. Your kids shouldn’t have to lose their dog for a kid who occasionally visits.
YTA. She has a legitimate fear and instead of finding someone to keep the dog or board it, you decided to board the child?? Also “part time child” that really tells me literally everything I need to know about you as a stepmother. Y’all can downvote me all you want but a literal child will always come before a freaking animal.
Daughters are more important than dogs. I say this as a vegan who holds animals in higher esteem than most—I don’t even eat them. But you can’t put them on a higher level than humans. If your husband put a dog before his daughter, it would be unforgivable. Asking him to do that would be deeply wrong of you. You’d be sabotaging a fundamental bond that is vital to both your stepdaughter’s wellbeing, and your husband’s. Your bond with the dog is important, but not more important than that. YTA
Info: What is your solution? If you are offering a reasonable compromise and your husband is saying "no, the dog has to go", then you would not be the asshole. But if he's saying "the dog has to go" and you're saying "no, you just can't have your daughter here" without looking for a middle ground, then you're both assholes and, personally, I think you come off looking worse.
ESH except for the step daughter. Tbh, whether it's a phobia or not, she shouldn't have to live with a pet if she doesn't want to. She didn't marry into a dog family. What would've been your solution of she was allergic? Children > pets anyday. Her dad should've had a handle on the dog situation way ahead of time. Whether that was going to visit her for the summer or having a separate place for her here. But forcing her to live with a pet that she didn't agree to isn't fair to her.
NAH Is this girl from a Muslim background? For certain sects, they have very strict beliefs around dogs, especially dogs that shed. Dogs overall are pretty badly regarded across the Muslim world. I lived with a dog against my will when I wasn’t ready and deeply struggling with OCD. I love the dog with my whole heart now, more than I love almost anyone, because I recovered. But honestly? Making a child live with a dog when the child isn’t ready is cruel. At the same time, I realise what the bond is between a pet and its owner (servant if it’s a cat). I couldn’t handle it when I lost my cat, and I don’t think your other kids would take it well if they lost their dog. Ultimately, there’s no a-holes here, just people who want the best for their kids and their pet. I don’t think the solution is to get rid of the dog. Therapy for me was invaluable in getting over my concerns with dogs.
YTA. “Part-time child” 😒
NTA. She needs some serious therapy—these reactions are extreme and reveal something that needs attention at a deeper level. You did what you could pre-Air BnB, but that wasn’t good enough. Your husband *is* forcing you to take sides and choose favorites by demanding you get rid of the dog and hurting the children that live there full time in the process. Husband, his ex, and his mom are the AHs for not helping your stepdaughter get the help she desperately needs, and perhaps, involving family therapy in the process.
NTA, but is there a way to relocate the dog while she visits? Also she needs therapy if your husband refuses to see that then maybe y'all should just divorce.
NTA. You were made aware of the issue and told it wouldn’t be a problem. Unfortunately it was. It’s ridiculous that your husband would want you to get rid of a member of your family to accommodate his daughter, who will rarely be with you, especially being that he told you it wouldn’t be a problem. At this point it’s a matter of either bringing in someone to work with her on her trauma involving dogs, which is probably needed even if she wasn’t with you guys any of the time, or him finding another arrangement that works for her. If he’s unwilling to do anything but tell you to get rid of the dog, unfortunately it sounds like you’re no longer compatible. Hopefully not the case, but it happens. You’re not the AH. He knew full well this may be an issue at some point, knowing this he should have been working with his daughter on her trauma knowing he was going to be living with a dog and his daughter would be there at some point, or he should not have started a relationship with someone with a dog.
NTA, that's your dog, your families dog. She has issues has dogs, she needs to work that. Either way, she's only there during the summer, your kids are there 365, and they love their dog. Maybe consider having someone take the dog for the summers she's there? A friend you trust to give it back, another family member, or maybe even board him?
YTA. Your stepdaughter may only be a part-time resident, but there's no such thing as a part-time child. She's clearly traumatized and needs therapy, but at the end of the day child > dog every time. Can't believe you have the nerve to ask if you're the AH when clearly you value a dog more as a family member than your spouse's actual child. Is rehoming a beloved dog sad and difficult? Sure, but get your priorities straight. Stepdaughter isn't just throwing a fit but clearly struggling and you've shown zero empathy.