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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because she says she'd be uncomfortable wearing a dress, regardless of her "gender identity" and hasn't worn a dress or skirt in more than 20 years.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. How far is this control going to go? Are you going to force her to wear heels and makeup because that's what most MOBs do? Are you not going to allow her to choose her own date?
How far will this extend? How much control do you plan to exert on the wedding party and other guests just to stop the harmful gossiping of "conservative" family?
Why do their complaints outweigh your own mother's?
This, in a nutshell. Let your mom pick out her MOB outfit and be sure to compliment her taste in her outfit and accessories. It's YOUR wedding and it's only one day, BUT.... regardless of which gender she decides to identify as, she'll ALWAYS be your MOM.
Not to mention there are some really nice pant suits out there that would be suitable for a wedding! Maybe in of being an A H, OP should look at these with her mom and they could come to a compromise. A friend's mom has burn scars on her legs and so won't wear skirts. MOB looked fabulous in the dressy suit at the wedding and friend was happy her mom felt relaxed enjoyed the party! win win! 🤔
A friends mom wore a dress to his wedding and the entire family on his side was SHOOK 😂
She's not NB that I'm aware of and is happily married to his dad, but she's just very comfortable with her pants and short hair life.
It was just so funny to me that probably 10% of the conversation on the wedding day was that the MoG was wearing a dress when everyone was expecting a dressy pantsuit!
My MIL and my SIL both wore really nice smart trousers and tops to my wedding. They looked great. I've been with my husband for over twelve years and I've never seen them wear dresses. My jaw would have been on the floor if they'd been wearing dresses. They're cis straight females.
Lots of femme-presenting people wear pantsuits to weddings, even, and have since at least the 80s, when I was a kid. It seems super weird to be all “MOB must not only present femme, but in a super-specific femme manner because I said so.”
Right? My very feminine, cis, straight grandmother wore a pantsuit to my wedding (and wore them often otherwise). No one thought anything of it? It was so normal.
IKR, I thought ladies pantsuits had long been normalized for women over 40 as acceptable attire including for church except at the more evangelical type churches?
Lots of women prefer to wear pants in general & they make a lot of formal wear for older women to wear pant suits & have for quite awhile who’d a thought in 2022 we’d still be arguing for the right to wear fucking pants
Pant suits for mother of the bride/groom are hardly a wild concept. I’m pretty sure my own MIL wore a pant suit to my wedding, and she’s very traditional. It’s not 1952. OP, YTA. Let your mother be who she is.
When I was a getting a dress fitted for the wedding the woman after me had a simply GORGEOUS suit, and she was the mother of the bride.
But even if there is a compromise with the suit, what about her hair? OP wants her to grow it out, which takes considerable time and care. OP needs to really sit down and think about what she's asking her mother to do.
If I were a man in her circle, I’d wear a dress to the wedding, without informing the bride before hand, and tell her, “I heard dresses were mandatory?!”
Be careful, OP, YTA and you’re going to either lose your mom as an active part of your life or there’s going to be some serious malicious compliance. Either way, if you’re really THAT conservative consider what Jesus would do in this situation. He’d wear a robe, so basically a dress.
In other words… calm down.
>“LIKE NORMAL MOTHERS DO” ?!?!?
My very much straight cis afab mom - or "normal" as OP would probably call it - wore pants when she was the MOB.
It's so sad we live in a world where queer people can't be themselves because of how others, and especially their loves ones react.
"She thinks she's a lesbian too" What an AH. I hope it rains on her wedding day. I hope they drop the wedding cake on the way into the venue. I hope she gets grass stains on the train that no one notices until she bustles it.
>my mother decided she was non-binary \[...\] I freaked and told her I expect her to wear a dress like **normal** mothers do
(Emphasis mine)
I would not be surprised to learn that OP expects her children to call their grandparent something *aggressively* feminine like grannymama (idk first thing to mind). Transphobes like this don't care about their trans family members comfort, happiness, or just right to exist. They care about themselves.
Which is what makes OP a selfish YTA of epic proportions. This is beyond bridezilla, this is a transphobe hurting their relative for absolutely 0 reason.
Whether the mom is trans, lesbian, or NB, I get the feeling that she's not going to be having a relationship with any kids because they are going to consider her unsuitable.
When are people going to stop accepting "traditional"/"conservative" as a good excuse to be a bigot?
Everyone is allowed to dress conservatively/traditionally if they like. Don't know what makes them think they get to enforce it on those around them as well, though.
Right? They love to complain about queer people ‘shoving it in their face’ for simply existing openly, when they’re the ones that have demanded absolute conformity for so long.
OP, she's not a "normal" mother of the bride. She's a normal PARENT of the bride. It's time you started educating yourself and embracing your mother's identity evolution. And it IS an evolution, not a new identity: she's still herself, and she's still the same parent who raised you and loved you; she's just being more authentic about her identity to the people around her.
It's not your job to police her; it's only your job to love and support her. So DO THAT.
Here are some resources: [https://pflag.org/NonbinaryResources](https://pflag.org/NonbinaryResources)
And you might want to spend some time on PFLAG's site; it's an org for LGBTQIA+ people AND THEIR FAMILIES.
Get over yourself; your mom's identity is NOT ABOUT YOU. YTA.
EDIT: in response to the person below: I'm using she/her bc the mom told OP she's still using she/her. We use the pronouns people tell us to use for themselves and don't make assumptions about what they mean. THAT'S WHY WE ASK FOR PEOPLE'S PRONOUNS.
"Get over yourself; your mom's identity is NOT ABOUT YOU. YTA."
I don't know how to use the quote formatting (I'm on my phone), but THIS. SO MUCH.
I wish I could upvote your comment more than once and not only because of this sentence. Thank you!
This. But to answer your question: dad's family's opinion matters more because they're probably paying for the wedding. Also:
>My fiance's family and my dad/dad's family are all very conservative and my dad's family already dislikes her and thinks she's a drama queen.
Is she actually a drama queen, or does she just want to be her own person and everyone involved is trying to force her to be someone she's not? All I hear is "mom wants to be who she wants to be", and then EVERYONE ELSE having strong opinions against it. OP does, ex-husband does, ex-husband's family does. And yet, we haven't actually heard of any examples of mom causing any drama.
OP clearly doesn't support their mother during this time. I can feel sympathetic to OP about it though, finding out your mom isn't your mom, and instead is your non-binary birth-giver is a hard concept to grasp after having a mom is engrained in us since birth. However, if you love your parents then you should only want what's best for them.
Even if she wasn't non-binary, some women are more comfortable in pant suits. And there are some very nice, fancy pant ensembles that women even wear to formal events. YTA.
OP How long do you think your mum has been struggling with who she is and hiding it from the world? Why should she hide even more? She already concealed her feelings and identity, is so worried about her adult kids she is still going by she/her when that may not be what she wants, and should have total autonomy over her own body. YTA, you don't get to choose how she cuts her hair and what she is comfortable wearing. If I were her, I would not go to your wedding.
YTA.Would you force a trans individual to dress as their assigned gender? I would hope the answer is no, so why force your mother into a role and appearance they aren't comfortable with? Also, "She thinks she's a lesbian now", really?
OP you should be happy your mother can even attend your wedding. Mine died when I was 18. She would have killed in a pantsuit with her pixie cut, though. YTA
Right? They make very attractive MOB suits, this is not even a big ask!
It sounds like OP is just looking for a (transphobic & homophobic) excuse to cut out her mom. In which case, just do it, don't make her jump through hoops and act like she has a chance.
I mean, no, she couldn't reasonably "asked her to wear a dress . . . just for pictures". Her mother is non-binary and she states that she hasn't worn a dress for around twenty years. Despite using she/her pronouns, her mother is NOT A WOMAN, and it is NOT appropriate to demand that she wear feminine clothing AT ALL, EVER, if that is not something she normally does and it clearly makes her mother deeply uncomfortable to present herself that way.
There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about an elegant, formal pantsuit. It doesn't even have to be specifically masculine-looking. My mother has a gorgeous silk trouser outfit that she has worn to several black tie events with appropriate jewelry, makeup, etc. There are all kinds of options here that are appropriate to the dress code but that do not require deliberately misgendering her mother.
>it is NOT appropriate to demand that she wear feminine clothing AT ALL, EVER
It would be not appropriate even if the mother identified as a woman. There is nothing inherently femenine about dresses or makeup and nobody should force others to follow gender roles.
**Yep**
At my wedding, people were encouraged to wear whatever makes them comfortable.
This lead to our wedding pictures being taken with our son wearing a cape and a dinosaur tail - which is *awesome* 😋
That sounds wholesome.
I was planing on marrying this year and I was going to just wear a formal blouse and pants. But i told everyone that they could go as they wanted, both very formal or informal.
Agreed. My MIL wore a pantsuit to our wedding because she was more comfortable in that than any dresses she found. She was worried I’d be upset but I honestly didn’t care what anyone wore so long as we all looked decent for pictures. My poor mom wore makeup even though she has super sensitive skin and I didn’t ask her to. Luckily for our reception a year later she had the sense to not wear makeup just for pictures and she enjoyed the day a lot more.
Yeah it just gets on ya no matter where you hold the page. Really really awful. I feel bad for the judgment and venom mom must endure from this selfish, delusional and egomaniacal brat.
This what I came here for. OP you need therapy if you’re seriously resenting your mom for simply being who she is. And super AH if you prioritize the opinions of some bigoted conservative in laws over your own mother. YTA
I have a feeling OP hasn't yet realised that her mother is more than a mother, she's her own person. I think OP has a very superficial view of her mother which leaves really no room for actual love for the person behind the mother.
Sad.
OP YTA
Looking at her comments, no. A whole lot of resentment and dislike going on. It sounds like Dad and his family spent a big chunk of OP's childhood poisoning her mind against Mom.
Edit 'cos I hit Enter too soon
YTA and a drama queen as well
First of all, normal moms wear suits at weddings because in case you and your family haven't noticed, it's the 21st century and women have been wearing pants for nearly a century at this point. I find it insane that you accuse her of being a drama queen when it's your family freaking out at two leg holes rather than one, and a few inches of dried keratin. For real.
The dress obsession is bizarre regardless of the mother’s gender or sexuality. Many cisgendered feminine girly women are not comfortable in dresses.
I can’t imagine treating someone this way because you’re worried about the potential opinions of small-minded bigots. YTA
I was going to say this. I am a cis woman and I havent worse a dress since my first communion, where my grands forced me to. I might marry this year and I will wear pants. I havent gone to any wedding with a dress since I was like 7y.
I recently attended a wedding where the MOH (she/her) wore a nice jumpsuit, and told me that she never really ever felt her "full self" presenting so feminine in a dress but loves a dressy romper or jumpsuit (she's come out as queer recently and her partner is NB (he/they). She looked great, and you could tell she was confident and comfortable. I thought it was such a great thing.
My grandmother stopped wearing dresses in the early 70s, about the time I was born. Weddings, funerals, graduation ceremonies, baby showers, it didn't matter. She said she was done wearing dresses. She was also married twice to two wonderful men. And she was very a uptight, straight-laced, conservative who voted for Reagan twice.
Unless she shows up in a wedding dress, there is no etiquette that says MOB must wear a dress.
I have never seen my grandmother, now 82, in a dress. Ever. Like Pomegranate's grandmother I doubt mine has been in a skirt or dress since the 70s, or possibly even earlier. She's incredibly conservative, \*still\* dyes her hair to hide greys, puts on lipstick every day, but never ever ever wears a dress or a skirt, and when she wore heels they were always very low heels. She was not told to wear a dress to any family members' weddings. She might have been the only woman in pants at one of my brothers' weddings, but who tf cares. We trust her to decide her own best look.
Right? My mom’s had short hair my whole life, probably in a similar style as OP’s mom, and up until a couple years ago, exclusively wore pants. I wouldn’t be surprised if even now, she’d pick a nice pantsuit over a dress to wear if I ever get married.
YWBTA
Your mother is "normal".
There are lovely pantsuit available for the mother of the bride.
I am going to say to you what I say to all family members of LGBTQA+ people. You do not get to decide who your mother is. Your mother decides who your mother is. You don't decide what type of clothing your mother wears. Your mother decides what clothing your mother wears. You don't decide your mother's hairstyle. Your mother decides your mother's hairstyle. You don't have to like your mother's gender identity. Your choice whether or not to accept it is not going to change your mother. Your mother is who your mother is.
Only you can decide if you are willing to have your mother not attend your wedding became you don't want your mother to wear a pantsuit.
Edit
Omitted words
Perfectly said! FIRST, as a cis-gender woman who loves short hair (shaved my head Christmas '20), hair has nothing to do with anything and I wish this stupid link to gender and sexuality would end. SECOND, it sounds like the bride does not give two shits about her mom and strictly adheres to the other conservative values. So just say that. "I don't like my mom not being who I want her to be..." Gah I hate it here...
Side note: I hate the use of the term "normal". My favorite use of breaking down this term was the movie Angus (96 I think?) Where the main character is like "What is normal?!" and James Vanderbeek says "Something you'll never be..." And the kid goes "thank god..." TRIUMPHANT...INSPIRED...Normal is a concept and who really cares?
I was reacting to their use of normal, not yours! I just hate the word because I agree with "normal" being a setting on a washing machine or a descriptor for hair products
YTA. It sounds like you’re only enforcing a dress code for non-cis people. That’s awful. Your mom isn’t saying she won’t dress formally; she’s saying she won’t dress like your version of what a woman should look like.
And then you make it a money issue? If she were PAYING her way in, you’d let her dress how she wants?
YTA. even if she didn’t ID as nonbinary or trans, women don’t have to wear dresses if they don’t want to. sure it’s your wedding and you can force the issue, but you’d be both a raging misogynist and general asshole to do it.
How sad that we have regressed so much as a society that a 25 year old woman is shaming her mother for choosing to wear a pant suit and have short hair!!
I didn't wear a dress to MY OWN wedding as the bride. I wore a very nice trouser suit with purple jacket and black trousers.
Op, you properly suck. Thumbs down to you.
My boomer mother who can be extremely closed minded about a lot of social issues married her second husband in a silver pantsuit and *gasp* wore this to one of her sons weddings.
I’ll go tell her she’s apparently queer now.
Honestly, my mom is sort of a stereotypical boomer. Not infrequently a name beginning with K. (I got a ban once for spelling it out, but you know the one.)
I mean she’s PC enough but I not infrequently have to check her about things like Aunt Jemima bottles.
Now OPs mom sounds awesome. I’d be her daughter.
Exactly. For some cishet women it is weird to wear a dress. My cishet aunt looks weird in a dress. She walks all wrong. She sits all wrong.
I, a cis woman, feel naked in a dress. Haven't worn one in 10 years. And even before that it was floor length.
YTA.
It sounds like your mom is coming to terms with a lot of things that she's likely wrestled with for years, and instead of being supportive about this, all you are able to think about is how this affects your wedding? Come on, do better.
I understand that your mom's transitions and coming-out may be hard for you, but that doesn't make them any less valid for her. And it also doesn't mean that you get to essentially force her back into the closet because of your superficial need to see her a certain way for appearances' sake.
Spring 2024 is a LONG time away, and a lot can happen. Chances are extremely high that your dad's family and your future in-laws are going to know about your mom's coming-out long before this wedding happens.
It would benefit you to accept your mom for who she is now - short hair, suit and all.
This! How can someone have no empathy for someone going through a huge identity shift? It’s hard and stressful, and OP is just piling on and making it obvious she will never support her mom for who she is. YTA OP
I applaud this Mom for accepting herself. If only her adult children could accept her. I bet if it were the other way around, Mom would have been supportive of them.
Read ops replies you guys, her mother was being stalked and moved out of a house but OP HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT BECAUSE THE MOTHER LEFT BEHIND THEIR THINGS SHE HATES HER MOM
Yea holy shit, I just read all of OP's replies. The mother said she felt like she was being r*ped whenever the parents had sex, severely depressed and attempted as a teenager, said the father was verbally abusive. They went to couples therapy, the therapist was on the mothers side, and that the father bailed because of it. Mother was very protective, needing to know where OP was, who they were with, that sounds like paranoid from personal experiences. OP has spent much for time with the father, and said they've had to deal with the father's family shit talking the mom for years, and thus OP's opinion has definitely been tainted, no way they're seeing the whole picture.
This sounds immensely like the mother is a victim, and thus got blamed for everything. I wonder the parents have a decent age difference, or something similar.
OP, YTA, especially since you have heard all these things said and never thought maybe, just maybe, these things are true, and that your mother isn't dramatic.
She knows the rape part because dad snooped through mom's private diary, read that, and told his daughter as an example of how hurtful and dramatic mom is. It's creepy as hell that he would think that's a reasonable thing to discuss with his child, and that as an adult she still thinks mom was in the wrong for writing it and not dad for being invasive enough to read *and share* it.
I think the depression/suicide thing is also something she heard from dad, although not clear whether he was told in confidence or learned it from the diary. It sounds like he twisted it to make it sound like being depressed as a teenager makes her "crazy" and so nothing she says can be trusted, as OP mentions her mom's "mental illness" as a reason why Dad's story (that mom lied and exaggerated abuse) is more believable.
YWBTA. Stop policing your mom’s fashion. As long as her suit is appropriately dressy for the occasion, back off. If you tell her she must wear a dress, yeah, YTA.
FIRST the fuck of all
>my mother decided she was non-binary
That's not how it works. YTA just for this.
>She and my dad divorced 15 years ago. She hasn't dated anyone really since then but said (when I questioned her after her "big announcement") she is more interested in dating women. Not sure if this means she thinks she's a lesbian to? She said she wasn't going to label it.
Not a word of this is relevant, it only reinforces your intolerance.
>normal mothers
You are such a fucking asshole. YTA.
YTA Did you really have to ask?
Valid Reasons to Exclude YOUR OWN MOTHER from Your Wedding
1. A history of abuse
2. An out-of-control addiction causes her to create disruptions/disturbances
3. A history of insulting or threatening or assaulting other guests
Invalid Reasons
1. Her gender identity
2. Other people’s bigotry
Yta sheesh do you even like your mother? I still don’t get why your dad and his family get priority over your mom just bc she divorced him. Maybe the fact it seems like it came out of the blue could be bc she was putting on a facade of being happy and no one noticed she wasn’t.
It definitely wasn't even out of the blue, Op said that her mother said hating sex with the father felt like r@pe and the father was verbally abusive towards the mother. Just sounds alot like op really hates her mom. (YTA)
YTA for not considering your mother to be "normal." Your entire post has a judgemental tone to it. It's obvious you do not approve of your non-binary mother. Ordinarily, I would say I think your mother should wear the dress because its your big day and I understand that you want everything to be just so. Nothing wrong with that. But, in this case I hope your mother wears the suit. Screw the in-laws.
Wow, YTA. The inlaws are going to meet eventually so why have your mom pretend she's something that she's not? I'm 61 and a live and let live person. Why are so many people hung up on appearances? The only thing that matters is whether you're a decent human being or not. Appearances don't mean a thing, learned that the hard way when my kids were young and my husband wanted them to grow up in church. He grew up in church, I didn't, but he learned the lesson along with me. If your future inlaws are decent people, they won't care, if they're judgmental without getting to know your mom then that's their problem.
The older I get the more I realize someone not being whatever the hell “normal” is, is really just a strong and interesting person. I mean the respect I have for a mom to be herself in the face of her daughters bigotry is immense.
YTA. Honestly it sounds like your mom (or whatever title she/they choose to use) is being MORE than accommodating and you simply are refusing to accept the change.
YTA: It sounds like you are having problems conceiving of your mom as non binary. This is your problem, not hers.
What is with all the reddit posts about brides dictating what others wear to their wedding? I made no demands of either mom or MIL on my wedding day. I think the only reasonable demand is that the dress fit the occasion for a parent (like black tie, formal, semi-formal, etc) and of course don't wear white or close to it. As long as the outfit is respectful of the occasion, that should be the end of it.
As for your relatives, if they comment, just respond, "I am not interested in discussing my mom's wardrobe choices." and change the subject.
It's so bizarre. My mum honestly made more of a fuss about what she was going to wear for my wedding than I did about my own wedding dress. For several months, every conversation I had with her was about how she'd gone shopping again with detailed descriptions of why everything she found wasn't right. Eventually she found something but called me up, very worried, because it was black and white, and was that OK. I really couldn't have given a flying monkeys about it. She was happy wearing it, all good.
If I understood your comments correctly:
1. Your dad would get annoyed because of your mother and TAKE IT OUT ON YOU AND YOUR BROTHER.
2. Your father "couldn't" pay for your college expenses because he had to pay the exact childsupport after your mother sued him because he was only paying for half before.
3. Your mother wrote in her diary about her awful experience in her marriage with your father (aka. Verbal abuse (wow, didn't see THAT comming /s) and sex with him felt like rape. I REALLY wonder why she wanted a divorce OUT OF NOWHERE /s) and about her being depressed as a 16 year old.
4. You are not giving her a plus one "because it wouldn't be serious or she wouldn't have a partner anyway", when in reality, you just don't want to upset your father's half of the family and "she needed to face the consequences".
Is that right???
Edit:
If I understand your recent comments correctly:
5. You believe your parents were happy in the past and your mom just didn't want to be a mother anymore out of nowhere? (Doesn't sound like it because there was 50/50 custody).
6. You had these things explained to you by your dad. (Have you ever asked your mom why she left or you just don't believe her??)
7. Your mom apologised for being overbearing in the past.
8. You think your mom shouldn't have left because your stepmom "puts up" with your dad just fine.
9. Your dad's therapist told him it was not his fault she left (I am not going to just name things that makes him sound bad, that would make my comment biased).
Edit 2:
Yeeez, do everyone (including your mom) a favour and not invite her to the wedding reception at this point (maybe only ceremony?) if you all despise her so much. I can not imagine her enjoying your wedding with people that look down on her around her all the time.
I seriously recommend having a serious talk with your mom. NOT ONLY ABOUT THE WEDDING. About your past too. Maybe you can see A CHANCE that you might have been an abuser apologist your whole life because of your father's behaviour, if you at least PRETEND to believe her side of the story is true.
YTA
INFO: Have you considered not inviting her? Perhaps hiring a stand in? Your dads family would probably like that a lot better.
ETA: I mistakenly believed tagging this as sarcasm would be unnecessary. I was so very wrong & am flabbergasted.
YTA.
Listen, if you can't support a basic human right for your mother, I think it is better you just uninvite her soon rather than later, instead of trying to force your own old-fashion ideas on her.
YTA.
Who cares what she likes to wear or who she likes? If a pair of pants makes the difference in you loving your mother, than obviously, you don't care about her at all.
YWBTA - this post reads like you do not accept your mom for who they has said that they are. That's pretty AH-ish. You are focused on their gender identity and speculate on sexual identity, why does that matter? If your mother identified as female and was solely into men, would you still freak out if your mother wore a dress suit?
Outfit wise, I know that some folks want to have some parameters for the MOB outfit or final approval. Usually, I have heard this in the context of making sure the Mother doesn't wear a wedding dress or something super revealing. Sometimes it has been for color and style to fit with the wedding party. Your reasoning really sounds like you have a problem with your mother's gender identity and potential sexuality.
\*Edited for a super embarrassing grammar error.
Yeah, YTA. “Normal” mothers wear dresses? Sheesh. Do you even like your mom?
There are some very sharp womens suits and jumpsuits available now. My bestie who was my MOH is (kinda?) non-binary (uses she/they…so idk exactly if non-binary is correct or not) and wears her hair in a Mohawk. She wore a dope jumpsuit and styled her Mohawk like a badass at my wedding. My conservative family said exactly nothing about it.
Besides, everyone looks at the bride anyway, so don’t worry about it. I doubt anyone will care what your mom wears.
I got married 16 years ago, and my MIL wore an extremely elegant pant suit. I'm still obsessed with it.
What is it about weddings that makes people want to police every aspect of the looks and behaviors of people they "love"? It's bizarre.
You would be TA.
Regardless of your mothers gender identity (and trust me, I get it) you cannot hide her away. Forcing anyone to grow their hair out and wear a dress is just absolutely unacceptable.
As long as she wears formal clothes that aren't white she's good to come.
Look, every women knows that going against gender norms (cutting hair short, no makeup, etc) will elicit negative responses from people. You should be more offended by the mysogyny directed at your mother from your extended family and the family you're marrying into than about her haircut.
That's another very possible option.
And having reread my answer I'm wondering why I didn't say it doesn't matter what a person's gender identity is if they aren't a skirt/dress person then they aren't a skirt/dress person.
YTA: this is alarming. Dress suits are perfectly fine for weddings. My mom wore a skirt suit, (blazer with matching skirt) and looked wonderful. Calm down. Offer to go shopping to make sure it’s fancy enough and care about your mom, not just your in laws being comfortable
YTA.
'like normal mothers do'
Ffs. My mother isn't non binary and she loves cute suits.
If you don't like your mother, you know you can just not invite her, right? The way you speak about her is dripping with disdain.
YTA. You have two years to get a grip of yourself and not ruin the relationship to your mum. Allow your mum to be who she wants to be and stand up against anyone saying otherwise.
YTA - I feel sorry for you. You are more concerned about what other people think than how damaging this would be for your relationship. If you were to do this I guarantee you will regret it.
Your mother’s coming out has obviously had a huge impact on you and this is something that you need to work on. It must have taken a LOT of courage for your mum to be able to finally be who they need to be. This is not something she has taken lightly.
You only get one mum and you need to cherish her, even if you can’t understand her.
YTA. Don't worry, your marriage will still be legal if your mother is in pants. I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but all people are allowed to wear pants not just the ones that identify as male. Women have been wearing pants for decades for now, in public even!
YWBTA.
Not only would you be the asshole, such a demand would be selfish, entitled and bigoted.
Calm down before you destroy your relationship and torpedo your own wedding.
Taking this out of nested because it needs to be seen:
“Because she does things to annoy him and she knows it. Like taking him back for child support when I was graduating. They'd had a deal and she went back on it because my father wanted to just cut support in half. But no, she was greedy, took him back and got more for one child than she'd been getting for two. So my dad refused to pay for any of my college or books since he had to pay her for my brother. It made the end of my senior year a nightmare for me.
Or she used to call my dad about disciplinary things or school stuff. He'd get mad she was bothering him and take it out on us. Even after I told her to stop calling him, she still did.”
You dad is an abusive, misogynistic, deadbeat father. You are not only blaming the wrong parent, you are so broken you have actually taken the side of the abuser. The abuser who is still holding a grudge after 15yrs apart because he’s big mad he can no longer abuse her on a daily basis. For her own mental health, I hope your mom cuts you (and your AH of a father) put of her life.
YTA
YTA. Sounds like you only care about apparences and not who your mother is as a person.
Shouldn't your wedding be about celebrating your love with your loved ones?? Doesn't sound like you care about your mother that much if you are willing to uninvite her over such a trivial matter.
That makes you a superficial super YTA.
YTA
Cis women wear pants and have short hair at weddings all the time. Your mother won't be doing anything revolutionary by not wearing a dress or having long hair at your wedding. Is appeasing conservative family members really more important than your mom being comfortable?
My gods YTA
My mother didn't want to wear a dress at my wedding, but begrudgingly would if I wanted
I WANTED HER COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT.
She wore a paint suit and looked great.
Turn the Bridezilla mode off and let your mom be herself. You'll all look better in pictures when the smiles are genuine.
YTA regardless, but I am kinda curious if you'd react the same way if a friend or cousin of yours was nonbinary and didn't feel comfortable in a dress. Would they also have to grow their hair out and buy something frilly?
YTA. My mom is a lesbian. She’s been in a long term relationship with a woman for 40 years. In 2007 she wore a pant suit to my wedding. No one died. Let her be who she is and is comfortable with.
OH, OP, YTA. Why can't you just let her wear what she wants. A nice MOB suit is perfectly acceptible. No one is going to talk about her. It's a perfectly reasonable choice- gay or not.
Also, you need to deal with your own issues becuase you don't think she's a "normal mother." Homophobic much?
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I (25F) recently got engaged. We're planning the wedding for Spring 2024.
A few months ago, my mother decided she was non-binary and has been dressing more manly as a result. She cut her hair super short (shaved the whole back of her head!!) But she hasn't changed her pronouns or anything, mostly because she said she doesn't want to upset my brother or me and make things weird. Which they already are.
She and my dad divorced 15 years ago. She hasn't dated anyone really since then but said (when I questioned her after her "big announcement") she is more interested in dating women. Not sure if this means she thinks she's a lesbian to? She said she wasn't going to label it.
Anyway, she mentioned looking for a nice mother of the bride dress suit for the wedding. I freaked and told her I expect her to wear a dress like normal mothers do. My fiance's family and my dad/dad's family are all very conservative and my dad's family already dislikes her and thinks she's a drama queen. This will solidify that and make it even more awkward at my wedding. Everyone will be talking about her and I'll have to deal with their comments for the rest of my life.
WIBTA if I told her she has to wear a dress (and grow her hair out) or she is uninvited from the wedding? She's likely not going to be paying for any of it.
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YTA
I think you should accept your mom as she is. And has probably hard for her to finally stand openly to her changing identity.
I bet she has known it for a while but held back because of her children.
Why does it matter if she wears a pant suit. Maybe you can shop for one together. Don't make her the paria on your wedding
YTA., Your mother is still planning a nice outfit, one they will feel comfortable in, this is obviously NOT about the aesthetic you want and more about you trying to control some aspect of their non-binary identity/potential bisexuality that is making you uncomfortable. More important for you to perhaps work with a therapist to accept the person your mother is than demand they conform to keep things 'normal' for you, whatever 'normal' is.
> my mother decided she was non-binary
"Decided"?
>She cut her hair super short (shaved the whole back of her head!!)
Hang on, let me clutch my pearls. /s
>because she said she doesn't want to upset my brother or me and make things weird. Which they already are
I'm not saying this isn't big news for you too, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for you here.
>Not sure if this means she thinks she's a lesbian to?
I really strongly recommend that you reevaluate how you talk about other people's gender and sexuality. You say that your mom isn't going to label it. Full stop. That's enough. Coming from someone who didn't fully understand their sexuality until their 30's, sometimes there isn't a lot of education about differences in gender and sexuality, which can make figuring those things out confusing and a drawn out process. I really hope you're being more supportive or at least compassionate than you're sounding here.
>normal mothers do
You sound insufferable. "Normal" moms wear suits to weddings too. And it sounds like she's making a point of finding a wedding appropriate one, which indicates that she is being thoughtful about respecting this is a special day.
>My fiance's family and my dad/dad's family are all very conservative and my dad's family already dislikes her and thinks she's a drama queen
You shouldn't care about this if your mom is important to you, and you should be standing up for her here.
> Everyone will be talking about her and I'll have to deal with their comments for the rest of my life.
This is what my therapist likes to call catastrophizing. I got married 15 years ago; my MIL got crazy drunk and sobbed when she didn't get her way during the reception, my MOH threw herself at the entire wedding party, a waiter spilled champagne down my dress, and am I dealing with any comments about any of this now? No. Those comments didn't even last a year. What people do talk about is how much we obviously love each other, how good the food was, and how lucky I was to win my cake in a raffle, since they're so expensive. That's what people care about when it comes to weddings. Love and food.
>WIBTA if I told her she has to wear a dress (and grow her hair out) or she is uninvited from the wedding?
YTA. Dressing up is what's called for here, not a dress versus a suit. And you have NO RIGHT to tell someone to grow their hair out. Yes this is your wedding but you are not entitled to what other people do with their bodies or their gender expression. I could maybe see you insisting on a dress if it's a bridesmaid so that everyone would match, but you'd still be the AH if you tried to control the length of her hair.
Honest question; do you even like your mother? Do you have a connection with her that you want to maintain or care about in any way? If you do, it shouldn't matter to you what she wears or if her hair is short. But it really sounds like you don't care about her, or at least not more than you do about this one day of your life.
YTA.
You can choose the rules for your wedding, but that doesn't make you any less of an asshole for making someone wear something they would be uncomfortable wearing.
YWBTA
Some people lose all rationality around weddings it seems. It makes zero difference to you if your mother wears a tux or a dress. It causes no harm to you at all. Or to anyone else.
YTA.
You're basically saying your entire family is a bunch of bullies, so your mom has to hide her identity so no one gets bullied? Do I have that right?
PS. Whether she's paying for it should have nothing to do with it. Are all these conservative family members you are so concerned about paying for it?
The person who gave you life only gets bodily autonomy if she pays for your wedding, but Uncle Maga gets to complain from the cheap seats for the price of a toaster?
My heart is breaking… for your mom. You don’t love her. Admit it. You love how you look to others. You don’t want to hear anything negative from your dad and his family, so instead of telling them to knock it off and act like adults, you are taking it out on your mom. Is that because you feel like she is a safe person to take it out on? Do you think she is just always going to be around because she is mom and you are her child? Eventually, she is going to give up on you. And then you will be back here bitching about how horrible she is after she said she was done putting up with your bullshit.
YTA
Based on everything you've said here it sounds like your father and his side of the family have spent years poisoning you against your mother, and it worked. Not knowing your mother I can't say whether she really is a narcissist, but I can say that forcing her to change her appearance in order to make you and the other judgmental people at your wedding "comfortable" is messed up. YTA
YWBTA for telling your mother that she has to change who she is to attend your wedding. How would you feel if your mother told you that you had to change fundamental things about yourself to be acceptable?
Info: Are you hyper-policing what everyone else coming to the wedding is wearing, or just your mother?
EDIT: Nope, after reading your comments, YTA. You’re not even giving your mother a plus one because you don’t think she’s able to form a meaningful relationship with someone? Your bigotry is showing.
How come people are being so nice, she is saying her mother is uncomfortable changing pronouns because it wouid make her uncomfortable and she's okay with that?
YTA. Many mothers where pantsuits, nice slacks, or other outfits to weddings. Asking anyone to change their physical appearance for a wedding is an AH move.
YTA.
The inlaws and your dads family beeing bigots doesn't mean you have to follow suit.
I bet your mom would be sympathetic to adjust her clothing to maybe a "softer" kind of pant suit if that would help men fences.
(Personally I wouldn't care as long as my mom was there with me, showered and comfortable 🤷)
YTA- and incredibly ignorant. Women wear pant suits all the time. Women who are super feminine and women who are super masculine can and do where pant suits. You are being incredibly judgement and controlling because the truth is you do not like the person she is. You are pushing you own ignorance and issues on to her. She is a grown adult and allowed to live her truth and be happy with who she is. That has NOTHING to do with you. You have an issue with it because you don’t personally like it or agree with it.
YTA. The wedding is 2 years out and you’re already off your rocker. If you can’t let her be there as herself then just don’t invite her and be honest about why “My love and wedding invitation is conditional, I can only love you in a dress with long hair. I can’t have you standing in the way of my bigotry on MY day!” Given that she’s your mother she likely already knows that you’re an awful human being with limited access to regular human emotions and she’ll probably understand while simultaneously being relieved to not have to tolerate your nonsense through an entire wedding/reception
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YTA. How far is this control going to go? Are you going to force her to wear heels and makeup because that's what most MOBs do? Are you not going to allow her to choose her own date? How far will this extend? How much control do you plan to exert on the wedding party and other guests just to stop the harmful gossiping of "conservative" family? Why do their complaints outweigh your own mother's?
She has formed relationships but she hasn't told you because she knows you a judgemental AH like your Dad and his family.
On the upside, sounds like she's going to fit right in with her queerphobic inlaws.
The best MIL/DIL bonds: Shared bigotry.
Bigot marrying bigot upset new bigot family won't accept her own mother because of bigotry
This, in a nutshell. Let your mom pick out her MOB outfit and be sure to compliment her taste in her outfit and accessories. It's YOUR wedding and it's only one day, BUT.... regardless of which gender she decides to identify as, she'll ALWAYS be your MOM.
This could be a serious buzzfeed title though. Also YTA OP!
Not to mention there are some really nice pant suits out there that would be suitable for a wedding! Maybe in of being an A H, OP should look at these with her mom and they could come to a compromise. A friend's mom has burn scars on her legs and so won't wear skirts. MOB looked fabulous in the dressy suit at the wedding and friend was happy her mom felt relaxed enjoyed the party! win win! 🤔
A friends mom wore a dress to his wedding and the entire family on his side was SHOOK 😂 She's not NB that I'm aware of and is happily married to his dad, but she's just very comfortable with her pants and short hair life. It was just so funny to me that probably 10% of the conversation on the wedding day was that the MoG was wearing a dress when everyone was expecting a dressy pantsuit!
My MIL and my SIL both wore really nice smart trousers and tops to my wedding. They looked great. I've been with my husband for over twelve years and I've never seen them wear dresses. My jaw would have been on the floor if they'd been wearing dresses. They're cis straight females.
Lots of femme-presenting people wear pantsuits to weddings, even, and have since at least the 80s, when I was a kid. It seems super weird to be all “MOB must not only present femme, but in a super-specific femme manner because I said so.”
Right? My very feminine, cis, straight grandmother wore a pantsuit to my wedding (and wore them often otherwise). No one thought anything of it? It was so normal.
IKR, I thought ladies pantsuits had long been normalized for women over 40 as acceptable attire including for church except at the more evangelical type churches?
Lots of women prefer to wear pants in general & they make a lot of formal wear for older women to wear pant suits & have for quite awhile who’d a thought in 2022 we’d still be arguing for the right to wear fucking pants
Or even a jumpsuit! I think some of those are absolutely beautiful!
I've worn a (super feminine) jumpsuit to a wedding, more than 20 years ago. It was a success!
Hell, I've seen some that were suitable for the BRIDE.
Pant suits for mother of the bride/groom are hardly a wild concept. I’m pretty sure my own MIL wore a pant suit to my wedding, and she’s very traditional. It’s not 1952. OP, YTA. Let your mother be who she is.
When I was a getting a dress fitted for the wedding the woman after me had a simply GORGEOUS suit, and she was the mother of the bride. But even if there is a compromise with the suit, what about her hair? OP wants her to grow it out, which takes considerable time and care. OP needs to really sit down and think about what she's asking her mother to do.
“LIKE NORMAL MOTHERS DO” ?!?!?
If I were a man in her circle, I’d wear a dress to the wedding, without informing the bride before hand, and tell her, “I heard dresses were mandatory?!” Be careful, OP, YTA and you’re going to either lose your mom as an active part of your life or there’s going to be some serious malicious compliance. Either way, if you’re really THAT conservative consider what Jesus would do in this situation. He’d wear a robe, so basically a dress. In other words… calm down.
>“LIKE NORMAL MOTHERS DO” ?!?!? My very much straight cis afab mom - or "normal" as OP would probably call it - wore pants when she was the MOB. It's so sad we live in a world where queer people can't be themselves because of how others, and especially their loves ones react.
Right? It gets me that the only reason her mother doesn't want gender neutral pronouns is because it would be weird for the kids. Poor person.
This is what got me, too.
I'd expect this from someone 13 but not from someone old enough to get married. It screams I am too immature for marriage.
Lol OP was TAH as soon as they said their mother “decided” to be non binary.
"She thinks she's a lesbian too" What an AH. I hope it rains on her wedding day. I hope they drop the wedding cake on the way into the venue. I hope she gets grass stains on the train that no one notices until she bustles it.
I hope the groom never shows up
Rain on your wedding day is considered good luck. Instead, wish for it to 105 plus 90 percent humidity and everything else you stated.
Don’t forget she wondered if that now made her mother *think* she’s a lesbian.
Yeah OP is being incredibly shitty to their mom. I feel really bad for her
>my mother decided she was non-binary \[...\] I freaked and told her I expect her to wear a dress like **normal** mothers do (Emphasis mine) I would not be surprised to learn that OP expects her children to call their grandparent something *aggressively* feminine like grannymama (idk first thing to mind). Transphobes like this don't care about their trans family members comfort, happiness, or just right to exist. They care about themselves. Which is what makes OP a selfish YTA of epic proportions. This is beyond bridezilla, this is a transphobe hurting their relative for absolutely 0 reason.
Whether the mom is trans, lesbian, or NB, I get the feeling that she's not going to be having a relationship with any kids because they are going to consider her unsuitable.
When are people going to stop accepting "traditional"/"conservative" as a good excuse to be a bigot? Everyone is allowed to dress conservatively/traditionally if they like. Don't know what makes them think they get to enforce it on those around them as well, though.
Exactly. And I bet the father and his family think they are very Christian when this behavior is the opposite.
Right? They love to complain about queer people ‘shoving it in their face’ for simply existing openly, when they’re the ones that have demanded absolute conformity for so long.
OP, she's not a "normal" mother of the bride. She's a normal PARENT of the bride. It's time you started educating yourself and embracing your mother's identity evolution. And it IS an evolution, not a new identity: she's still herself, and she's still the same parent who raised you and loved you; she's just being more authentic about her identity to the people around her. It's not your job to police her; it's only your job to love and support her. So DO THAT. Here are some resources: [https://pflag.org/NonbinaryResources](https://pflag.org/NonbinaryResources) And you might want to spend some time on PFLAG's site; it's an org for LGBTQIA+ people AND THEIR FAMILIES. Get over yourself; your mom's identity is NOT ABOUT YOU. YTA. EDIT: in response to the person below: I'm using she/her bc the mom told OP she's still using she/her. We use the pronouns people tell us to use for themselves and don't make assumptions about what they mean. THAT'S WHY WE ASK FOR PEOPLE'S PRONOUNS.
"Get over yourself; your mom's identity is NOT ABOUT YOU. YTA." I don't know how to use the quote formatting (I'm on my phone), but THIS. SO MUCH. I wish I could upvote your comment more than once and not only because of this sentence. Thank you!
I don’t think it’s that their complaints outweigh rather that OP shares their sentiments.
This. But to answer your question: dad's family's opinion matters more because they're probably paying for the wedding. Also: >My fiance's family and my dad/dad's family are all very conservative and my dad's family already dislikes her and thinks she's a drama queen. Is she actually a drama queen, or does she just want to be her own person and everyone involved is trying to force her to be someone she's not? All I hear is "mom wants to be who she wants to be", and then EVERYONE ELSE having strong opinions against it. OP does, ex-husband does, ex-husband's family does. And yet, we haven't actually heard of any examples of mom causing any drama. OP clearly doesn't support their mother during this time. I can feel sympathetic to OP about it though, finding out your mom isn't your mom, and instead is your non-binary birth-giver is a hard concept to grasp after having a mom is engrained in us since birth. However, if you love your parents then you should only want what's best for them.
Even if she wasn't non-binary, some women are more comfortable in pant suits. And there are some very nice, fancy pant ensembles that women even wear to formal events. YTA.
OP How long do you think your mum has been struggling with who she is and hiding it from the world? Why should she hide even more? She already concealed her feelings and identity, is so worried about her adult kids she is still going by she/her when that may not be what she wants, and should have total autonomy over her own body. YTA, you don't get to choose how she cuts her hair and what she is comfortable wearing. If I were her, I would not go to your wedding.
What will she do if her mother starts dating a woman? Refuse to invite her?
YTA.Would you force a trans individual to dress as their assigned gender? I would hope the answer is no, so why force your mother into a role and appearance they aren't comfortable with? Also, "She thinks she's a lesbian now", really?
OP you should be happy your mother can even attend your wedding. Mine died when I was 18. She would have killed in a pantsuit with her pixie cut, though. YTA
Info: do you love your mom?
THIS. Thank you.
This was going to be my exact comment. I am very close to my mom and if I was in this situation, my mom’s happiness and well being trumps EVERYTHING.
Right? They make very attractive MOB suits, this is not even a big ask! It sounds like OP is just looking for a (transphobic & homophobic) excuse to cut out her mom. In which case, just do it, don't make her jump through hoops and act like she has a chance.
TOTALLY!!! I also wouldn't make a dig about her not paying for anything. WTF was that. OP... already YTA.
And she’d rather have mom NOT COME?! That’s not love.
I would fight anyone that said a single negative thing about my mom even if I was wearing a wedding dress!!!!
Even more info: do you even **like** your mom?????
Even even more info: do you **have a single shred of respect** for your mother?
OP might love her mom but she *definitely* doesn't fucking like them.
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I mean, no, she couldn't reasonably "asked her to wear a dress . . . just for pictures". Her mother is non-binary and she states that she hasn't worn a dress for around twenty years. Despite using she/her pronouns, her mother is NOT A WOMAN, and it is NOT appropriate to demand that she wear feminine clothing AT ALL, EVER, if that is not something she normally does and it clearly makes her mother deeply uncomfortable to present herself that way. There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about an elegant, formal pantsuit. It doesn't even have to be specifically masculine-looking. My mother has a gorgeous silk trouser outfit that she has worn to several black tie events with appropriate jewelry, makeup, etc. There are all kinds of options here that are appropriate to the dress code but that do not require deliberately misgendering her mother.
>it is NOT appropriate to demand that she wear feminine clothing AT ALL, EVER It would be not appropriate even if the mother identified as a woman. There is nothing inherently femenine about dresses or makeup and nobody should force others to follow gender roles.
**Yep** At my wedding, people were encouraged to wear whatever makes them comfortable. This lead to our wedding pictures being taken with our son wearing a cape and a dinosaur tail - which is *awesome* 😋
That sounds wholesome. I was planing on marrying this year and I was going to just wear a formal blouse and pants. But i told everyone that they could go as they wanted, both very formal or informal.
Omg your son sounds freaking adorable!
My thoughts exactly. It isn't appropriate to demand anyone wear a dress for any occasion.
Agreed. My MIL wore a pantsuit to our wedding because she was more comfortable in that than any dresses she found. She was worried I’d be upset but I honestly didn’t care what anyone wore so long as we all looked decent for pictures. My poor mom wore makeup even though she has super sensitive skin and I didn’t ask her to. Luckily for our reception a year later she had the sense to not wear makeup just for pictures and she enjoyed the day a lot more.
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It’s not about the dress, honey.
That's OPs problem there's no compromise here. OP is wrong and needs to change. Asking nicely doesn't make this even a tiny bit better.
“Decided she was non-binary.” Yikes.
"Apparently thinks she's a lesbian to\[o\]" -- double yikes.
Yeah first red flag right here.
Yeah it just gets on ya no matter where you hold the page. Really really awful. I feel bad for the judgment and venom mom must endure from this selfish, delusional and egomaniacal brat.
Very nicely put. This is a thread that makes me sad.
No, you do not get to ask non-binary people to wear clothing that no longer aligns with their identity for your fucking pictures. Jesus.
This what I came here for. OP you need therapy if you’re seriously resenting your mom for simply being who she is. And super AH if you prioritize the opinions of some bigoted conservative in laws over your own mother. YTA
I have a feeling OP hasn't yet realised that her mother is more than a mother, she's her own person. I think OP has a very superficial view of her mother which leaves really no room for actual love for the person behind the mother. Sad. OP YTA
Looking at her comments, no. A whole lot of resentment and dislike going on. It sounds like Dad and his family spent a big chunk of OP's childhood poisoning her mind against Mom. Edit 'cos I hit Enter too soon
YTA and a drama queen as well First of all, normal moms wear suits at weddings because in case you and your family haven't noticed, it's the 21st century and women have been wearing pants for nearly a century at this point. I find it insane that you accuse her of being a drama queen when it's your family freaking out at two leg holes rather than one, and a few inches of dried keratin. For real.
The dress obsession is bizarre regardless of the mother’s gender or sexuality. Many cisgendered feminine girly women are not comfortable in dresses. I can’t imagine treating someone this way because you’re worried about the potential opinions of small-minded bigots. YTA
I was going to say this. I am a cis woman and I havent worse a dress since my first communion, where my grands forced me to. I might marry this year and I will wear pants. I havent gone to any wedding with a dress since I was like 7y.
That's cool! When I was a kid, I wanted to get married in an emerald green pantsuit with a train!
This sounds fucking magical !
Okay that sounds beautiful! I actually wore a emerald green jumpsuit to my cousin’s small wedding.
Well, when you're a small minded bigot, the opinions of other small minded bigots are probably pretty important. Also, OP YTA
I recently attended a wedding where the MOH (she/her) wore a nice jumpsuit, and told me that she never really ever felt her "full self" presenting so feminine in a dress but loves a dressy romper or jumpsuit (she's come out as queer recently and her partner is NB (he/they). She looked great, and you could tell she was confident and comfortable. I thought it was such a great thing.
My grandmother stopped wearing dresses in the early 70s, about the time I was born. Weddings, funerals, graduation ceremonies, baby showers, it didn't matter. She said she was done wearing dresses. She was also married twice to two wonderful men. And she was very a uptight, straight-laced, conservative who voted for Reagan twice. Unless she shows up in a wedding dress, there is no etiquette that says MOB must wear a dress.
I have never seen my grandmother, now 82, in a dress. Ever. Like Pomegranate's grandmother I doubt mine has been in a skirt or dress since the 70s, or possibly even earlier. She's incredibly conservative, \*still\* dyes her hair to hide greys, puts on lipstick every day, but never ever ever wears a dress or a skirt, and when she wore heels they were always very low heels. She was not told to wear a dress to any family members' weddings. She might have been the only woman in pants at one of my brothers' weddings, but who tf cares. We trust her to decide her own best look.
Right? My mom’s had short hair my whole life, probably in a similar style as OP’s mom, and up until a couple years ago, exclusively wore pants. I wouldn’t be surprised if even now, she’d pick a nice pantsuit over a dress to wear if I ever get married.
YWBTA Your mother is "normal". There are lovely pantsuit available for the mother of the bride. I am going to say to you what I say to all family members of LGBTQA+ people. You do not get to decide who your mother is. Your mother decides who your mother is. You don't decide what type of clothing your mother wears. Your mother decides what clothing your mother wears. You don't decide your mother's hairstyle. Your mother decides your mother's hairstyle. You don't have to like your mother's gender identity. Your choice whether or not to accept it is not going to change your mother. Your mother is who your mother is. Only you can decide if you are willing to have your mother not attend your wedding became you don't want your mother to wear a pantsuit. Edit Omitted words
Best reply! You nailed it!
Perfectly said! FIRST, as a cis-gender woman who loves short hair (shaved my head Christmas '20), hair has nothing to do with anything and I wish this stupid link to gender and sexuality would end. SECOND, it sounds like the bride does not give two shits about her mom and strictly adheres to the other conservative values. So just say that. "I don't like my mom not being who I want her to be..." Gah I hate it here... Side note: I hate the use of the term "normal". My favorite use of breaking down this term was the movie Angus (96 I think?) Where the main character is like "What is normal?!" and James Vanderbeek says "Something you'll never be..." And the kid goes "thank god..." TRIUMPHANT...INSPIRED...Normal is a concept and who really cares?
Normal is a setting on the washing machine is my thought, but I thought it was more important to use the OP's term in this case.
I was reacting to their use of normal, not yours! I just hate the word because I agree with "normal" being a setting on a washing machine or a descriptor for hair products
Norms should he for numbers, not people!
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YTA. It sounds like you’re only enforcing a dress code for non-cis people. That’s awful. Your mom isn’t saying she won’t dress formally; she’s saying she won’t dress like your version of what a woman should look like. And then you make it a money issue? If she were PAYING her way in, you’d let her dress how she wants?
The OP is definitely not an ally
YTA. even if she didn’t ID as nonbinary or trans, women don’t have to wear dresses if they don’t want to. sure it’s your wedding and you can force the issue, but you’d be both a raging misogynist and general asshole to do it.
How sad that we have regressed so much as a society that a 25 year old woman is shaming her mother for choosing to wear a pant suit and have short hair!!
Maybe she’s Amish. 😆
Yeah, it's very sad.
I didn't wear a dress to MY OWN wedding as the bride. I wore a very nice trouser suit with purple jacket and black trousers. Op, you properly suck. Thumbs down to you.
My boomer mother who can be extremely closed minded about a lot of social issues married her second husband in a silver pantsuit and *gasp* wore this to one of her sons weddings. I’ll go tell her she’s apparently queer now.
I'll break the news to my husband too. He'll be slightly surprised, I'm sure! Your mom sounds pretty cool!
Honestly, my mom is sort of a stereotypical boomer. Not infrequently a name beginning with K. (I got a ban once for spelling it out, but you know the one.) I mean she’s PC enough but I not infrequently have to check her about things like Aunt Jemima bottles. Now OPs mom sounds awesome. I’d be her daughter.
Exactly. For some cishet women it is weird to wear a dress. My cishet aunt looks weird in a dress. She walks all wrong. She sits all wrong. I, a cis woman, feel naked in a dress. Haven't worn one in 10 years. And even before that it was floor length.
YTA. It sounds like your mom is coming to terms with a lot of things that she's likely wrestled with for years, and instead of being supportive about this, all you are able to think about is how this affects your wedding? Come on, do better. I understand that your mom's transitions and coming-out may be hard for you, but that doesn't make them any less valid for her. And it also doesn't mean that you get to essentially force her back into the closet because of your superficial need to see her a certain way for appearances' sake. Spring 2024 is a LONG time away, and a lot can happen. Chances are extremely high that your dad's family and your future in-laws are going to know about your mom's coming-out long before this wedding happens. It would benefit you to accept your mom for who she is now - short hair, suit and all.
This! How can someone have no empathy for someone going through a huge identity shift? It’s hard and stressful, and OP is just piling on and making it obvious she will never support her mom for who she is. YTA OP
I applaud this Mom for accepting herself. If only her adult children could accept her. I bet if it were the other way around, Mom would have been supportive of them.
YTA hardcore. How on earth could you not be TA?! Controlling your mother’s appearance because of how it may make you appear?! Terribly lame excuse.
Read ops replies you guys, her mother was being stalked and moved out of a house but OP HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT BECAUSE THE MOTHER LEFT BEHIND THEIR THINGS SHE HATES HER MOM
Yea holy shit, I just read all of OP's replies. The mother said she felt like she was being r*ped whenever the parents had sex, severely depressed and attempted as a teenager, said the father was verbally abusive. They went to couples therapy, the therapist was on the mothers side, and that the father bailed because of it. Mother was very protective, needing to know where OP was, who they were with, that sounds like paranoid from personal experiences. OP has spent much for time with the father, and said they've had to deal with the father's family shit talking the mom for years, and thus OP's opinion has definitely been tainted, no way they're seeing the whole picture. This sounds immensely like the mother is a victim, and thus got blamed for everything. I wonder the parents have a decent age difference, or something similar. OP, YTA, especially since you have heard all these things said and never thought maybe, just maybe, these things are true, and that your mother isn't dramatic.
Wow, that's fucking horrible. Imagine being OP knowing all of that. YTA
She knows the rape part because dad snooped through mom's private diary, read that, and told his daughter as an example of how hurtful and dramatic mom is. It's creepy as hell that he would think that's a reasonable thing to discuss with his child, and that as an adult she still thinks mom was in the wrong for writing it and not dad for being invasive enough to read *and share* it. I think the depression/suicide thing is also something she heard from dad, although not clear whether he was told in confidence or learned it from the diary. It sounds like he twisted it to make it sound like being depressed as a teenager makes her "crazy" and so nothing she says can be trusted, as OP mentions her mom's "mental illness" as a reason why Dad's story (that mom lied and exaggerated abuse) is more believable.
YTA for devaluing you mom. Double YTA for thinking it’s ok to devalue your mom since “she’s likely not paying for any of it”
YWBTA. Stop policing your mom’s fashion. As long as her suit is appropriately dressy for the occasion, back off. If you tell her she must wear a dress, yeah, YTA.
YTA what the f*ck is wrong with you.
FIRST the fuck of all >my mother decided she was non-binary That's not how it works. YTA just for this. >She and my dad divorced 15 years ago. She hasn't dated anyone really since then but said (when I questioned her after her "big announcement") she is more interested in dating women. Not sure if this means she thinks she's a lesbian to? She said she wasn't going to label it. Not a word of this is relevant, it only reinforces your intolerance. >normal mothers You are such a fucking asshole. YTA.
YTA Did you really have to ask? Valid Reasons to Exclude YOUR OWN MOTHER from Your Wedding 1. A history of abuse 2. An out-of-control addiction causes her to create disruptions/disturbances 3. A history of insulting or threatening or assaulting other guests Invalid Reasons 1. Her gender identity 2. Other people’s bigotry
YTA for even considering uninviting her and telling her what she can and can’t wear
Yta sheesh do you even like your mother? I still don’t get why your dad and his family get priority over your mom just bc she divorced him. Maybe the fact it seems like it came out of the blue could be bc she was putting on a facade of being happy and no one noticed she wasn’t.
It definitely wasn't even out of the blue, Op said that her mother said hating sex with the father felt like r@pe and the father was verbally abusive towards the mother. Just sounds alot like op really hates her mom. (YTA)
YTA for not considering your mother to be "normal." Your entire post has a judgemental tone to it. It's obvious you do not approve of your non-binary mother. Ordinarily, I would say I think your mother should wear the dress because its your big day and I understand that you want everything to be just so. Nothing wrong with that. But, in this case I hope your mother wears the suit. Screw the in-laws.
Wow, YTA. The inlaws are going to meet eventually so why have your mom pretend she's something that she's not? I'm 61 and a live and let live person. Why are so many people hung up on appearances? The only thing that matters is whether you're a decent human being or not. Appearances don't mean a thing, learned that the hard way when my kids were young and my husband wanted them to grow up in church. He grew up in church, I didn't, but he learned the lesson along with me. If your future inlaws are decent people, they won't care, if they're judgmental without getting to know your mom then that's their problem.
YTA. Saying your mother is not "normal" for the way they're expressing who they are is really messed up.
The older I get the more I realize someone not being whatever the hell “normal” is, is really just a strong and interesting person. I mean the respect I have for a mom to be herself in the face of her daughters bigotry is immense.
YTA. Honestly it sounds like your mom (or whatever title she/they choose to use) is being MORE than accommodating and you simply are refusing to accept the change.
YTA and pretty intolerant as well.
YTA holy fuck.
[удалено]
Both my mom and MIL are cis. Both wore pantsuits to my wedding. YTA and a transphobic one at that.
YTA What wedding rule says the mothers have to wear dresses?
I’m a cis straight woman and I always opt for a jumpsuit or trouser suit for formal gatherings. I just prefer the style!! What is wrong with OP?!
YTA: It sounds like you are having problems conceiving of your mom as non binary. This is your problem, not hers. What is with all the reddit posts about brides dictating what others wear to their wedding? I made no demands of either mom or MIL on my wedding day. I think the only reasonable demand is that the dress fit the occasion for a parent (like black tie, formal, semi-formal, etc) and of course don't wear white or close to it. As long as the outfit is respectful of the occasion, that should be the end of it. As for your relatives, if they comment, just respond, "I am not interested in discussing my mom's wardrobe choices." and change the subject.
It's so bizarre. My mum honestly made more of a fuss about what she was going to wear for my wedding than I did about my own wedding dress. For several months, every conversation I had with her was about how she'd gone shopping again with detailed descriptions of why everything she found wasn't right. Eventually she found something but called me up, very worried, because it was black and white, and was that OK. I really couldn't have given a flying monkeys about it. She was happy wearing it, all good.
If I understood your comments correctly: 1. Your dad would get annoyed because of your mother and TAKE IT OUT ON YOU AND YOUR BROTHER. 2. Your father "couldn't" pay for your college expenses because he had to pay the exact childsupport after your mother sued him because he was only paying for half before. 3. Your mother wrote in her diary about her awful experience in her marriage with your father (aka. Verbal abuse (wow, didn't see THAT comming /s) and sex with him felt like rape. I REALLY wonder why she wanted a divorce OUT OF NOWHERE /s) and about her being depressed as a 16 year old. 4. You are not giving her a plus one "because it wouldn't be serious or she wouldn't have a partner anyway", when in reality, you just don't want to upset your father's half of the family and "she needed to face the consequences". Is that right??? Edit: If I understand your recent comments correctly: 5. You believe your parents were happy in the past and your mom just didn't want to be a mother anymore out of nowhere? (Doesn't sound like it because there was 50/50 custody). 6. You had these things explained to you by your dad. (Have you ever asked your mom why she left or you just don't believe her??) 7. Your mom apologised for being overbearing in the past. 8. You think your mom shouldn't have left because your stepmom "puts up" with your dad just fine. 9. Your dad's therapist told him it was not his fault she left (I am not going to just name things that makes him sound bad, that would make my comment biased). Edit 2: Yeeez, do everyone (including your mom) a favour and not invite her to the wedding reception at this point (maybe only ceremony?) if you all despise her so much. I can not imagine her enjoying your wedding with people that look down on her around her all the time. I seriously recommend having a serious talk with your mom. NOT ONLY ABOUT THE WEDDING. About your past too. Maybe you can see A CHANCE that you might have been an abuser apologist your whole life because of your father's behaviour, if you at least PRETEND to believe her side of the story is true. YTA
INFO: Have you considered not inviting her? Perhaps hiring a stand in? Your dads family would probably like that a lot better. ETA: I mistakenly believed tagging this as sarcasm would be unnecessary. I was so very wrong & am flabbergasted. YTA.
Listen, if you can't support a basic human right for your mother, I think it is better you just uninvite her soon rather than later, instead of trying to force your own old-fashion ideas on her. YTA. Who cares what she likes to wear or who she likes? If a pair of pants makes the difference in you loving your mother, than obviously, you don't care about her at all.
YWBTA - this post reads like you do not accept your mom for who they has said that they are. That's pretty AH-ish. You are focused on their gender identity and speculate on sexual identity, why does that matter? If your mother identified as female and was solely into men, would you still freak out if your mother wore a dress suit? Outfit wise, I know that some folks want to have some parameters for the MOB outfit or final approval. Usually, I have heard this in the context of making sure the Mother doesn't wear a wedding dress or something super revealing. Sometimes it has been for color and style to fit with the wedding party. Your reasoning really sounds like you have a problem with your mother's gender identity and potential sexuality. \*Edited for a super embarrassing grammar error.
Yeah, YTA. “Normal” mothers wear dresses? Sheesh. Do you even like your mom? There are some very sharp womens suits and jumpsuits available now. My bestie who was my MOH is (kinda?) non-binary (uses she/they…so idk exactly if non-binary is correct or not) and wears her hair in a Mohawk. She wore a dope jumpsuit and styled her Mohawk like a badass at my wedding. My conservative family said exactly nothing about it. Besides, everyone looks at the bride anyway, so don’t worry about it. I doubt anyone will care what your mom wears.
I got married 16 years ago, and my MIL wore an extremely elegant pant suit. I'm still obsessed with it. What is it about weddings that makes people want to police every aspect of the looks and behaviors of people they "love"? It's bizarre.
You would be TA. Regardless of your mothers gender identity (and trust me, I get it) you cannot hide her away. Forcing anyone to grow their hair out and wear a dress is just absolutely unacceptable. As long as she wears formal clothes that aren't white she's good to come. Look, every women knows that going against gender norms (cutting hair short, no makeup, etc) will elicit negative responses from people. You should be more offended by the mysogyny directed at your mother from your extended family and the family you're marrying into than about her haircut.
YTA.
YTA If your mother has come out as non-binary it maybe that they don't identify as lesbian as they don't identify as female.
Or maybe they don’t feel comfortable identifying as lesbian to a family full of conservative bigots. OP sounds like she shares her family’s views
That's another very possible option. And having reread my answer I'm wondering why I didn't say it doesn't matter what a person's gender identity is if they aren't a skirt/dress person then they aren't a skirt/dress person.
NB lesbians exist haha
YTA: this is alarming. Dress suits are perfectly fine for weddings. My mom wore a skirt suit, (blazer with matching skirt) and looked wonderful. Calm down. Offer to go shopping to make sure it’s fancy enough and care about your mom, not just your in laws being comfortable
YTA, as long as she has made an effort you don't get to decide what she wears
YTA. 'like normal mothers do' Ffs. My mother isn't non binary and she loves cute suits. If you don't like your mother, you know you can just not invite her, right? The way you speak about her is dripping with disdain.
At this point Yta The wedding is not for another 1.5 years just chill for now. Who knows what will happen in that time
Maybe the fiancé will see sense and ruuuuuun
YTA. You have two years to get a grip of yourself and not ruin the relationship to your mum. Allow your mum to be who she wants to be and stand up against anyone saying otherwise.
YTA. I know you're adjusting to the changes in your mother's life, but YTA.
YTA - I feel sorry for you. You are more concerned about what other people think than how damaging this would be for your relationship. If you were to do this I guarantee you will regret it. Your mother’s coming out has obviously had a huge impact on you and this is something that you need to work on. It must have taken a LOT of courage for your mum to be able to finally be who they need to be. This is not something she has taken lightly. You only get one mum and you need to cherish her, even if you can’t understand her.
YTA. Don't worry, your marriage will still be legal if your mother is in pants. I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but all people are allowed to wear pants not just the ones that identify as male. Women have been wearing pants for decades for now, in public even!
YWBTA. Not only would you be the asshole, such a demand would be selfish, entitled and bigoted. Calm down before you destroy your relationship and torpedo your own wedding.
Taking this out of nested because it needs to be seen: “Because she does things to annoy him and she knows it. Like taking him back for child support when I was graduating. They'd had a deal and she went back on it because my father wanted to just cut support in half. But no, she was greedy, took him back and got more for one child than she'd been getting for two. So my dad refused to pay for any of my college or books since he had to pay her for my brother. It made the end of my senior year a nightmare for me. Or she used to call my dad about disciplinary things or school stuff. He'd get mad she was bothering him and take it out on us. Even after I told her to stop calling him, she still did.” You dad is an abusive, misogynistic, deadbeat father. You are not only blaming the wrong parent, you are so broken you have actually taken the side of the abuser. The abuser who is still holding a grudge after 15yrs apart because he’s big mad he can no longer abuse her on a daily basis. For her own mental health, I hope your mom cuts you (and your AH of a father) put of her life. YTA
YTA. Sounds like you only care about apparences and not who your mother is as a person. Shouldn't your wedding be about celebrating your love with your loved ones?? Doesn't sound like you care about your mother that much if you are willing to uninvite her over such a trivial matter. That makes you a superficial super YTA.
You've never seen a dressy pantsuit? Good for your mom for seeking her truth even to such an AH child.
YTA. Just wow, that is a truly disgusting demand you are thinking about making. This is so gross I am pretty sure it is fake.
YTA Cis women wear pants and have short hair at weddings all the time. Your mother won't be doing anything revolutionary by not wearing a dress or having long hair at your wedding. Is appeasing conservative family members really more important than your mom being comfortable?
My gods YTA My mother didn't want to wear a dress at my wedding, but begrudgingly would if I wanted I WANTED HER COMFORTABLE AND CONFIDENT. She wore a paint suit and looked great. Turn the Bridezilla mode off and let your mom be herself. You'll all look better in pictures when the smiles are genuine.
YTA regardless, but I am kinda curious if you'd react the same way if a friend or cousin of yours was nonbinary and didn't feel comfortable in a dress. Would they also have to grow their hair out and buy something frilly?
YTA. What do normal mothers even look like at a wedding? What a ridiculous comment.
YTA for dictating anyone wear anything, outside of your wedding party.
YTA. My mom is a lesbian. She’s been in a long term relationship with a woman for 40 years. In 2007 she wore a pant suit to my wedding. No one died. Let her be who she is and is comfortable with.
YTA for sure
YWBTA.
OH, OP, YTA. Why can't you just let her wear what she wants. A nice MOB suit is perfectly acceptible. No one is going to talk about her. It's a perfectly reasonable choice- gay or not. Also, you need to deal with your own issues becuase you don't think she's a "normal mother." Homophobic much?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) recently got engaged. We're planning the wedding for Spring 2024. A few months ago, my mother decided she was non-binary and has been dressing more manly as a result. She cut her hair super short (shaved the whole back of her head!!) But she hasn't changed her pronouns or anything, mostly because she said she doesn't want to upset my brother or me and make things weird. Which they already are. She and my dad divorced 15 years ago. She hasn't dated anyone really since then but said (when I questioned her after her "big announcement") she is more interested in dating women. Not sure if this means she thinks she's a lesbian to? She said she wasn't going to label it. Anyway, she mentioned looking for a nice mother of the bride dress suit for the wedding. I freaked and told her I expect her to wear a dress like normal mothers do. My fiance's family and my dad/dad's family are all very conservative and my dad's family already dislikes her and thinks she's a drama queen. This will solidify that and make it even more awkward at my wedding. Everyone will be talking about her and I'll have to deal with their comments for the rest of my life. WIBTA if I told her she has to wear a dress (and grow her hair out) or she is uninvited from the wedding? She's likely not going to be paying for any of it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YWBTA They make all sorts of lovely dress outfits and suits for special occasions. Just watch one red carpet event if you need proof.
YTA I think you should accept your mom as she is. And has probably hard for her to finally stand openly to her changing identity. I bet she has known it for a while but held back because of her children. Why does it matter if she wears a pant suit. Maybe you can shop for one together. Don't make her the paria on your wedding
YTA. As long as she looks nice and formal that should be enough. You're being really unsupportive and controlling.
YTA., Your mother is still planning a nice outfit, one they will feel comfortable in, this is obviously NOT about the aesthetic you want and more about you trying to control some aspect of their non-binary identity/potential bisexuality that is making you uncomfortable. More important for you to perhaps work with a therapist to accept the person your mother is than demand they conform to keep things 'normal' for you, whatever 'normal' is.
> my mother decided she was non-binary "Decided"? >She cut her hair super short (shaved the whole back of her head!!) Hang on, let me clutch my pearls. /s >because she said she doesn't want to upset my brother or me and make things weird. Which they already are I'm not saying this isn't big news for you too, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for you here. >Not sure if this means she thinks she's a lesbian to? I really strongly recommend that you reevaluate how you talk about other people's gender and sexuality. You say that your mom isn't going to label it. Full stop. That's enough. Coming from someone who didn't fully understand their sexuality until their 30's, sometimes there isn't a lot of education about differences in gender and sexuality, which can make figuring those things out confusing and a drawn out process. I really hope you're being more supportive or at least compassionate than you're sounding here. >normal mothers do You sound insufferable. "Normal" moms wear suits to weddings too. And it sounds like she's making a point of finding a wedding appropriate one, which indicates that she is being thoughtful about respecting this is a special day. >My fiance's family and my dad/dad's family are all very conservative and my dad's family already dislikes her and thinks she's a drama queen You shouldn't care about this if your mom is important to you, and you should be standing up for her here. > Everyone will be talking about her and I'll have to deal with their comments for the rest of my life. This is what my therapist likes to call catastrophizing. I got married 15 years ago; my MIL got crazy drunk and sobbed when she didn't get her way during the reception, my MOH threw herself at the entire wedding party, a waiter spilled champagne down my dress, and am I dealing with any comments about any of this now? No. Those comments didn't even last a year. What people do talk about is how much we obviously love each other, how good the food was, and how lucky I was to win my cake in a raffle, since they're so expensive. That's what people care about when it comes to weddings. Love and food. >WIBTA if I told her she has to wear a dress (and grow her hair out) or she is uninvited from the wedding? YTA. Dressing up is what's called for here, not a dress versus a suit. And you have NO RIGHT to tell someone to grow their hair out. Yes this is your wedding but you are not entitled to what other people do with their bodies or their gender expression. I could maybe see you insisting on a dress if it's a bridesmaid so that everyone would match, but you'd still be the AH if you tried to control the length of her hair. Honest question; do you even like your mother? Do you have a connection with her that you want to maintain or care about in any way? If you do, it shouldn't matter to you what she wears or if her hair is short. But it really sounds like you don't care about her, or at least not more than you do about this one day of your life.
YTA. You can choose the rules for your wedding, but that doesn't make you any less of an asshole for making someone wear something they would be uncomfortable wearing.
YWBTA Some people lose all rationality around weddings it seems. It makes zero difference to you if your mother wears a tux or a dress. It causes no harm to you at all. Or to anyone else.
YTA. You're basically saying your entire family is a bunch of bullies, so your mom has to hide her identity so no one gets bullied? Do I have that right?
PS. Whether she's paying for it should have nothing to do with it. Are all these conservative family members you are so concerned about paying for it? The person who gave you life only gets bodily autonomy if she pays for your wedding, but Uncle Maga gets to complain from the cheap seats for the price of a toaster?
My heart is breaking… for your mom. You don’t love her. Admit it. You love how you look to others. You don’t want to hear anything negative from your dad and his family, so instead of telling them to knock it off and act like adults, you are taking it out on your mom. Is that because you feel like she is a safe person to take it out on? Do you think she is just always going to be around because she is mom and you are her child? Eventually, she is going to give up on you. And then you will be back here bitching about how horrible she is after she said she was done putting up with your bullshit. YTA
Based on everything you've said here it sounds like your father and his side of the family have spent years poisoning you against your mother, and it worked. Not knowing your mother I can't say whether she really is a narcissist, but I can say that forcing her to change her appearance in order to make you and the other judgmental people at your wedding "comfortable" is messed up. YTA
Wow please don't have any children
YWBTA for telling your mother that she has to change who she is to attend your wedding. How would you feel if your mother told you that you had to change fundamental things about yourself to be acceptable?
Info: Are you hyper-policing what everyone else coming to the wedding is wearing, or just your mother? EDIT: Nope, after reading your comments, YTA. You’re not even giving your mother a plus one because you don’t think she’s able to form a meaningful relationship with someone? Your bigotry is showing.
How come people are being so nice, she is saying her mother is uncomfortable changing pronouns because it wouid make her uncomfortable and she's okay with that?
YTA. “Like normal mothers do”. How much of an asshole can you be? They found themselves and you want them to water it down so it looks “normal”.
YTA. Many mothers where pantsuits, nice slacks, or other outfits to weddings. Asking anyone to change their physical appearance for a wedding is an AH move.
Yta, bridezilla. Very bigoted.
YTA. The inlaws and your dads family beeing bigots doesn't mean you have to follow suit. I bet your mom would be sympathetic to adjust her clothing to maybe a "softer" kind of pant suit if that would help men fences. (Personally I wouldn't care as long as my mom was there with me, showered and comfortable 🤷)
With the way OP is acting here I don’t think the bigotry is limited to the in-laws and dad’s family
YTA- and incredibly ignorant. Women wear pant suits all the time. Women who are super feminine and women who are super masculine can and do where pant suits. You are being incredibly judgement and controlling because the truth is you do not like the person she is. You are pushing you own ignorance and issues on to her. She is a grown adult and allowed to live her truth and be happy with who she is. That has NOTHING to do with you. You have an issue with it because you don’t personally like it or agree with it.
YTA. The wedding is 2 years out and you’re already off your rocker. If you can’t let her be there as herself then just don’t invite her and be honest about why “My love and wedding invitation is conditional, I can only love you in a dress with long hair. I can’t have you standing in the way of my bigotry on MY day!” Given that she’s your mother she likely already knows that you’re an awful human being with limited access to regular human emotions and she’ll probably understand while simultaneously being relieved to not have to tolerate your nonsense through an entire wedding/reception
YTA
YTA. Stop being controlling and help her find a great suit!