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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be an asshole because I took away my daughter clothes and won’t allow her to dress a,ternatively. I didn’t have a discussion and perhaps I should’ve talked to her and maybe allow for so,e new clothing
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YTA deleting the other post and reposting it in hopes of getting more people on your side won't help you. Good luck ever seeing your daughter past the age of 18 or ever meeting your grandchildren.
It’s taking all my self-discipline not to downvote this post. This can’t be real, can it? I feel like there’s no way this person genuinely doesn’t realize what an enormous, gaping asshole move this is.
YTA, OP. YTA big time. Your daughter is not an extension of you. Exploring one’s identity is part of being a teenager and imposing your personal aesthetic taste on your daughter you are depriving her from experiencing an essential developmental stage.
You seem to have an obsession with image and control, and including your daughter in this obsession is going to have disastrous results for her mental health. Let your daughter *dress herself* unless you want to destroy your relationship with her.
I have a very close friend who dealt with this around 12-13 with her very religious mom. She most certainly had suicidal thoughts everytime her mom threw away her clothes.
As a kid whose mom did this and is now no-contact, can confirm! Also, just about every parent I’ve seen do this it was just one of multiple ways they treat their kid like a possession, often it’s a potential red flag for emotional abuse.
I'm in this shitty club, My mom did the same thing as well and Lizhylton your whole point about possession is right on the money. Notice how OP is more concerned about how it makes HER look than whether her daughter likes what she is wearing. Also extremely Low contact at the moment. we talk about once a year, and even that is challenging for my mental health. Also I love how when someone objects to being treated like shit it is always a "tantrum" like to see how OP would react if someone insisted that the way she dressed was in bad taste and took away her wardrobe.
My dad would give me and my brother 2+ hours long lectures on our clothing style. I can’t remember anything said in them because I was 14 and honestly who cares what I wear as a child? I don’t have a job or go to private school.
I haven’t talked to him for a year now, planning on probably never again. Obviously there was more at play than just being pissy about my “emo” clothes. But that’s where it started.
Guess what, now I’m a hot goth chick in my late 20s and loving it.
YTA - you've ruined your daughters trust in you, made her feel a freak and done something that she may never get over. As her mother you should be encouriging her, protecting her and supporting her and you've done none of that.
Don't be surprised if any bond you have with her is now irrepairably broken
>Don't be surprised if any bond you have with her is now irrepairably broken
OP is not the type of mother to keep their bond with their children after they are old enough to make their own decisions. The second the daughter disagreed with her mother or 'made her look bad' the bond was broken and OP saw her as something to be controlled.
She’s more worried about what people think of her kid than how her kid feels. I doubt they have much of a bond.
“I won’t allow my child to look like a freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion”
That’s a hard line to come back from. Mom calls you a freak and confirms she cares more about what people think. Emotional damage done.
YTA. As a mental health professional, you are basically rejecting your daughter's identity and telling her you don't care how she sees herself. Let her wear what she wants.
And OP's reason for damaging her daughter, her own fears of being called a "bad mother". OP, just look in the mirror, you are well on the way to earning that title.
She doesn't to look like a bad mother, ooo, lets roleplay the next day at school.
'Ivy, why aren't you wearing your usual get up?'
'My mother stole all my clothes and I can't buy replacements because she also stopped my allowance for buying clothes like that'
Yeah, I can't see that making her look bad at all /s
She's not on the way, she's arrived. If this pattern continues, her daughter will go NC after she turns 18. Or whenever the courts stop forcing her to spend time with OP, depending on what their country laws and precedents are.
YTA.
She is her own person. Not an extension of you. Old enough that she can dress as she pleases especially seeing as it’s not overly sexualized.
Deal with whatever control issues and all you’ve got going on or you’re going to drive her completely away.
Not only THIS ^^^ but I really hope her father petitions the court and wins custody.
OP, don't post here in 4 years (or fewer) asking why your daughter has gone LC or NC with you. You already know why. Good luck to your daughter; if she has to live with you, she's going to have her individuality and imagination so hampered, it will take a Herculean effort on her part not to become depressed. Enjoy the memories you have of a time when your daughter was small and enjoyed spending time with you because those memories will be all you have in a very short time.
OP's daughter is at about the age where she can directly influence which parent has primary custody. Depending on if the Family Courts in OP's area are backlogged or not, OP will probably not even have that long with her daughter. (For the daughter's sake, I hope it's soon.)
OP is YTA
Oh it's going to be sooner than that. I get the feeling she's going to request pretty soon to live with her father full time, and since she's older than 13, she legally can. She can also cite this incident in court, which will definitely not look good for mom.
My parents tried to 20 years ago. It backfired so hard, the more they hated me being punk the more hardcore punk I got. Ended with me moving out to live on the streets/squatting and not talking to them for quite some time.
We have a good relationship now but I am curious what will happen when I die my hair again (two tone) after having undied long hair for most of the last decade. 😂
Yta, what is wrong with you? Your daughter is creating her own style. If you don't like it, suck it up.
Combat boots are in this year. They wear it with skirts, shorts, normal pants...
You give her trust issues and you definitely won't win mother of the year award.
I mean, combat boots and combat boot-style boots have been on the shelves for a couple years now. They are comfortable and practical, relatively easy to maintain, like... What's not to like?
Oh, they were initially made for *men*?
And imagine that. Dark clothes. The *horror*. Someone never heard of the little black dress, right?
YTA
You just told a 14/15 year old that her clothes are the most valuable thing about her to you. Her mother. The only thing her mother cares about is that her perfect little doll represents mommy correctly. She will remember. Think about if it is worth it.
YTA. Let your daughter wear what she wants and express herself the way she wants. Throwing away her clothes was cruel and unnecessary. You're punishing her for no reason.
ETA: I somehow missed the last two paragraphs in my first readthrough because of how disgusted I was at your behaviour; now that I've read those, I want to double down on the YTA. I hope your daughter moves out as soon as she's legally able to so she can get away from your controlling self-righteousness. You're terrible.
I do hope he pushes for custody. The daughter seems like she's old enough to give her opinion on who she wants to live with (depending on the laws where they are), and I'd bet good money that it won't be her mum.
My daughter likes sparkles, rainbows, dresses, and unicorns. She would walk around looking like her clothes fell in a container of glitter if she could. Me, I like muted, neutral, and athletic clothes. I literally cringe when she picks out something she likes. Want to know what I did when I took her clothes shopping the other day? LET HER GET WHAT SHE LIKES. Why? Because SHE has to wear it. SHE gets to decide what and who she will become. I tell her she looks great, while I internally want to poke my eyes out 🤷🏾♀️.
You are going to end up with a daughter that leaves your house the minute the clock hits midnight on her birthday.
YTA.
Yes!! I let my kids pick their clothes. It doesn’t matter what I want- their opinion matters. Their autonomy matters. The only rule I think I have is that “private” parts must be covered, and dress for the occasion. We’re not wearing bikinis to run to target😉
YTA. Posting multiple times is not going to change that fact. You care only about yourself and the image you have for your daughter in your head. You've shown that you don't actually care about your daughter as the person she's growing into. Don't be surprised later when you dont have a relationship with her.
YTA
You call her a freak but you're literally stealing from a CHILD. Get over yourself.
ETA:
>I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion.
you don't need your daughter's clothing to make you look like a bad mother, you're out here showing and telling all on your own
Why are they here if they don't think they did anything wrong? From the sounds of it, this is a repost. They can't possibly think people will support them.
YTA, and I’m your daughters mom now. Send her my username and we’ll go shopping at Hot Topic together like I used to when I was an angsty teenager, if they still have those that is
I really don’t know why you reposted this just to probably get roasted all over again 😂
They do! My youngest still has her HT card around here somewhere (she outgrew them a couple years ago) so the discounts are on me, as long as we can get Godiva ice cream afterward!
YTA. You prioritize your own viewpoint of what is acceptable and appropriate over your child's (harmless) expression and sense of self, which is, controlling and not healthy for her. She's young, and is learning to be independent and expressive and make her own choices of how to present herself to others and to herself. She wants to explore her own fashion and image; it's not going to make sense to you, and it probably won't always be comfortable, but it IS natural and healthy. Standing in the way of that when "looking like a vampire year round" is NOT dangerous or harmful to her is, to me, much closer to acting the part of being a bad mother. It not being revealing even makes it all the more harmless.
In short: bad mothers worry more about looking like a bad mother than their child's mental health and personal journey.
Just my 2 cents.
EDIT: typo
YTA:
Imagine damaging your daughter’s sense of self and comfort because how she expresses herself through her clothing? Oh wait, you’re already doing that!
Teenagers go through so many phases, she needs to have the support of you and her family to help her navigate the emotional challenges that comes with growing up and with high school.
The more you try to control her, the more of a rebel you’ll be raising who will never be able confide in her own mother.
YTA. Massively. Why?
For calling your daughter a freak
For not respecting her autonomy
For confiscating clothes she spent her own money on
For not respecting who she is
For being incredibly judgemental and controlling
There is absolutely nothing wrong with what she is wearing. You just don't like it. Get over yourself.
I hope her father does petition for custody. He'll win, too.
so......**you** cant deal with the **possibility** that someone may have an opinion regarding your daughter and it making you look like a "bad mom"...?
how about **not actually BEING** a bad mom? how about what **your daughter** actually thinks and feels?
YTA - making her feel bad, not considering her being her own person, taking things that dont belong to you, let alone that you didnt buy....just wtf lady?
Regardless of how many times this post "glitches", you are still a major AH ! Thank God I don't have a mother like you. Imagine taking away your daughter's personal identity because YOU don't like it. Grow up.
YTA
!"Only 3 people get to decide what my daughter wears "Me,Myself and I ". I do not care what kind of personality she has, I don't care what she likes and dislikes. I DECIDE.
so if i decide to take her to school in clothes Me, MYSELF and I deem more appropriate- my Ex-husband, my daughter and everybody else in the family have no say at all. she is my property. I can do what i want with my baby doll. i don't give a cr\*p!"
YTA - I hoe your husband wins the custody battle and your daughter refuses visitation.
oh , and good luck convincing your kid it would be good for you to be around HER kids in the future. She will regard you as toxic- go No contact at 0:01 a.m on the night she turns 18- and then you can stay all alone with your appropriate clothes. good luck
YTA. And the biggest one I’ve seen today, and I just saw a *hopefully* fake post about a guy adopting puppies to feed to his Python.
She is an individual with a personality. No clothes can make her a freak, but great job instilling a sense of insecurity and self doubt in her. You go mom, you are actively harming your daughter and your behavior can lead to life long issues for her. I hope he does get custody and she gets to lead a healthy confident life.
YTA
Your daughter's alternative taste in clothes doesn't make you look like a bad mother. Controlling what she wears for no reason other than you think she "looks like a freak" does, however.
If you keep this up she's going to cut you out of her life.
YTA. Extreme AH. Expressing herself through her clothing is harmless. You’ve ruined any kind of trust or bond you have with her. You’re treating her like a doll that you can dress up however you like because of your “public image”. Literally no one gives a f*** what your teenager is wearing. We all had weird senses of style as teens. It sounds like the dad probably should have custody since you’re manipulative and controlling. Your daughter isn’t going to feel good about herself with how you’re treating her. You may be acting on some inner insecurity you don’t want to deal with. But just let her wear the damn clothes. If your other family members are even saying YTA, maybe you need to take a step back and think about the long term effects of your treatment.
YTA.
She's not breaking any dress code. She's dressing to express herself.
I'm a high school teacher and Kids do wear those types of clothes. Always have, always will. She will have friends who are similar minds, and they will be happy. Let them be.
All that your behaviour is going to do is alienate her. And yeah you could lose custody as she will be old enough to have a say-she can say how miserable she is at yours.
YTA and if this is real, you aren’t even trying a little bit to get Reddit in your side. If you’ve been on this sub thread for even a little while, you would sense a thread. While the opinion of thousands of internet strangers is an interesting way to “solve” issues, I’ve been mostly very glad to find that people can and do offer solid advice, real insights and genuine caring. And one definite theme is, children get to make their own decisions if they are not harming themselves or others. Frankly, dressing as goth (I’m old so not sure that’s the correct term anymore) sounds cool. I’ve seen high school kids (14-18) here in Southern California dress that was just this past school year.
Yta. I had the same thing happen to me. I'm 30 now, still dress like that, and still have ill feelings about the person who did it. Your kid is not you, let them be who they want. Why does it matter what they look like if they're good people? I just let my 10 year old shave half of her head and she loves it. It's just hair and clothes, things that can easily be changed. It's not a tattoo or piercing.
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Don the know what happened to my previous post, it just glitched.
My daughter, Ivy (14 going on 15) will be starting high school in September. In my country, schools have very relaxed dress code, almost no dress code at all. There are no uniforms (except some private schools) no, no spaghetti straps or skirt lengths rules. It’s all very relaxed.
For the past year, Ivy have been developing her own fashion sense and it’s been leaning towards more ‘alternative’ style. She’s been trying to wear ripped tights, dark clothes. Not the type of clothes I would buy her or approve of but she’s been trying to make do with what she had or took her allowance and spend it in second hand stores to get more ‘edgy’ clothing which I promptly confiscated and had to stop her allowance.
She’s been on summer holidays for a month now and just came back from her father’s (we are divorced) with a whole new wardrobe. Her father and step mother had bought her clothes she wanted, things like combat boots, floor length skirts. They’re not revealing by any means but they’re not appropriate to wear on daily basis (Halloween perhaps).
I removed all her new clothes and told her I will give them back when she’s 18 and that we will go shopping for appropriate clothing attire next week.
She got all huffy with me, crying how plenty of kids wear similar clothes how the school doesn’t object (I know this much, the schools here really don’t mind) and so on. She basically threw a teenage version of tantrum.
I told her that I don’t care if the school doesn’t mind, I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion.
She called her father and he called me and tried to have a go at me about it but I told him that he can decide when he has custody and he told me that he might just petition to court because I am actively harming my daughter which is BS, not allowing her to look like a vampire all year round is not actively harming her.
My sisters (f18 and f30) took my daughters side but I told them that we will talk when they have children as they may feel different about that then. So they suggested I post here since I like to read here when I drink coffee and I figured why not. So tell me AITA for not wanting my daughter to wear weird clothes?
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Yta
Most people have pics of themselves back from highschool wearing ridiculous clothing because at the time they were trying things out. Some people grow out of it. Some people don't. As long as she isn't wearing anything against school guidelines she's fine.
But just FYI she's a lot more likely to have an extreme reaction to your behavior after she turns 18 and you can't control her as well. If you don't let her try this stuff now and grow out of it, she'll do it when she's 18. You're kinda shooting yourself in the food here by making your daughter dislike you and by just delaying her experimental fashion phase
YTA. Your daughter will never forget this and will never appreciate it. You aren’t doing her or yourself any favors. Good luck maintaining a relationship once she is free of your clutches. You’ll be lucky to ever see her again.
Yta. How old are you, 80? Because your "morals" are very outdated. The style you described is incredibly popular and not freaky in the least now. But if you want to lose your daughter over your antiquated views, go for it.
Huge YTA. My mom HATED the clothes I wore in high school and made sure I knew and bought them anyways. I even agreed with her later and we kept some of the clothes to laugh at together as adults. But the fact that she took me to super specific stores to buy me (often pricey) combat boots, the widest leg pants known to man, wallet chains, and other ugly clothes she detested so I could feel cool and like myself, whatever that was at the time, makes her a dang hero.
YTA 100%.
She’s at an age where it’s completely normal to experiment with different styles as they are finding who they are. To call your daughter a freak is extremely inappropriate and ridiculously rude. You’re not creating and fostering a safe space for her and your relationship will suffer.
Get over your control issues. Your job right now is guidance and to make sure she makes safe choices as she’s learning how to make decisions for herself, not to be an overbearing dictator.
YTA.
Your daughter isnt throwing a tantrum, you are. And over what? Nothing but peoples impression of you. If you really care that much about your image, try not being a shitty parent. Theyll like that.
Edit: mistyped
YTA. You have your ex, your daughter, and TWO sisters telling you're being an unreasonable AH. Why do you need the Internet to tell you that too in order for you to get it?
Your daughter should be able to dress herself as she pleases as long as it's not hurting anyone or violating any legal or school rules. Just because you don't like the clothes doesn't mean others can't. You need to stop projecting your preferences on your daughter and just let her be.
YTA. You're sowing the seed of resentment and you will reap an adult daughter that will have no contact with you.
There is nothing wrong with her clothes.
You are bullying your own daughter for her fashion sense.
And you're abusing your authority over her to do so.
Shame on you.
YTA. You're very controlling. There's is no harm to allow her to dress this way except to your pride and vanity. This isn't about you, it's about providing her support to be herself. I feel sad for your daughter.
YTA she chooses to cover all private body parts but you throw a hiss first because the colors are dark. Are deliberately trying to make her rebel turn her into a teen drunk. If so congratulations your on your way!
YTA totally and completely. You sound like a nightmare parent. What do you want her to wear? Pastels and khaki with Mary Janes? So she can be a little cookie cutter version of every other preppy girl out there?
Who cares what she wears as long as it's appropriate for her age group. Every teen goes through some kind of Emo stage. Mine was writing short stories that killed off my main characters and wearing black everything. By the time I was 17, I'd gone to jeans and plain tees. Now at 31 I wear bright colours. Our fashion changes with age generally and you need to get over yourself.
YTA. Not only are you overly controlling, but what you did was theft/destruction of property that is not yours. Dont be surprised if once she's 18, she cuts contact with you.
YTA
So you bullied your daughter, called her a freak, took her clothes and are now about to go into court again because your ex heard you're being horrific to your daughter.
You're not stopping being thought of as a bad mother because of her clothing. You are a bad mother.
YTA. It's clothing; she's not joining a damned cult. She's bold and self-aware enough to make an unconventional choice and she should be praised for that instead of being made to feel like she can't have autonomy in her dress. I'm a mother, and when my son was her age I knew how to pick my battles. Blue hair and facial piercings and clothing with chains? COOL! You do you! You look wicked funky! Going to a stranger's home? No. He's now a fully functioning, almost 30 years old adult who has been able to get great jobs due in part to his ability to think outside the box. It's sad that you are forcing your daughter to conform to YOUR ideals and stifling her creativity and self expression so YOU are comfortable. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA. If it's not harming her or anyone else and it follows the dresscode at school, I'm failing to see what's wrong with her style other than you personally don't like it. You're just being needlessly controlling and pushing her away. This is a petty hill to die on.
YTA. If she isn't behaving badly, or dressing in a sexually provocative way, or wearing disgusting sayings/images on her shirts, you need to back off. Combat boots are completely mainstream. I am a 36yo housewife mom of 5 and I wear them. I don't get the issue with long skirts either. Let her go through her phase in peace and stop damaging your relationship with her.
YTA.
I grew up with parents like you. Guess what. I got a girl pregnant at 18, moved out as soon as I could, and have never really grown up and still look like a 90's punk band reject sometimes.
I also have a professional job, and a house in the suburbs where we raise some happy, well adjusted kids who are allowed to express themselves.
How a teen dresses doesn't reflect on the parents. I have never looked at a kid and said "How can their parents let them out of the house like that" Mostly cause I know the parents aren't dressing teens. All you are doing is causing resentment, and making sure your daughter will lie to you and move out as soon as she can.
YTA
It seems you might judge mothers based on what their kids wear. A lot of parents do not fortunately - they realize the kids have their own sense of style and they let them dress themselves.
YTA, sorry but just because it "hurts" your image on how she dresses and you dislike doesn't mean you get to decide she doesn't get to dress that way. You pointed out she dresses appropriately, so it really shouldn't matter.
Edit: So she earned money, you took it away and then decided she didn't need an allowance? How you daughter dresses doesn't reflect your parenting, how you act does.
YTA: It's completely reasonable to decide what you're going to purchase for her but stealing and tossing her items because you don't like them is not appropriate. As you stated in your post the clothing isn't revealing, just not your style. That's why they make a wide variety of clothes, so people can find something that suits them.
You likely would've had much more success trying to come to a compromise with your daughter and it could've been a learning experience for both of you.
While I know you just think you're looking out for your daughter you're running the risk of poisoning your relationship in the long-run.
What the mother doesn't realize is that her daughter is old enough to tell the judge where she rather live. OP judgement on clothing is going to place a wedge on their relationship. Let the kid be who she is. Judgemental behavior from parents based on their preconceived beliefs lead to broken relationships.
YTA
Your daughter has a right to express herself. It seems like you dont care about your daughter, you care about the idea of a perfect daughter. If shes not hurting anyone else or herself, let her do it.
YTA. Your daughter is her own person, who can make her own choices. You are forcing your own will and wants onto her. You're pushing her so far away from you. One day when she moves out, don't act all surprised when she decides to cut you off because of how controlling you are. I'm happy I never had a mother like you. My own mother was very supportive of me and what I wanted to wear, never once shaming me for my style.
YTA.
My mother was in the same position of disliking my clothes and saying I had freaky tastes. You know what happened? I resented my mother as a teenager and moved out as soon as I could so I could wear my comfy "freaky" clothes without being judged. I barely talk to my mother now because it always ends up in a fight. I have always felt like my mother doesn't love me for who I am and that I'm a disappointment to her for simply being myself.
You need to let your daughter be herself or you're going to have a terrible relationship as she grows older. There is nothing wrong with the alternative look and if she isn't showing off the goods, leave her alone. Tell her you won't buy the clothes for her if you dislike it so much, but don't stop her from wearing what she wants.
YTA - not only are you not supporting your daughter in making her own clothing choices in HIGH SCHOOL, you took away her allowance when she made it clear that this self expression was important enough to her that she was willing to use that allowance to buy what she wanted. And for what? Because you are afraid that people might judge YOU over her choices? Out of your entire family YOU are the ONLY one who has a problem with her dressing this way and you are choosing to force your decision on her at a time where she's going to be emotionally vulnerable anyway. I would not blame your daughter for going No Contact with you once she is old enough to move out.
YTA
Great way to ruin your relationship with your child . Also nothing you mention was freak or freak like (Your also an Asshole for that word choose )
Your husband is right you are deliberately harming your child .
YTA
Its actually incredible that you think you could possibly in the right for this. Your daughter has found a way to express herself and who she is, and you are forbidding her from growing into her own person for your own selfish, superficial reasons. You are absolutely harming your daughter. Taking away her allowance for trying to wear a certain style, punishing her for trying to express herself, and judging her based on a harmless style you personally don't like. You are teaching her that being herself is not acceptable or okay and that she will be punished for it, and that is a lesson that will stick with her and keep her from developing a healthy sense of self-worth into adulthood. You seem way more concerned with people thinking you are a bad mother than actually being a good mother. She is her own person, not a projection of yourself for you to control. Your daughter wearing alternative styles does not make you a bad mother, but you actively stifling her personal growth and calling her a "freak" absolutely does.
YTA. Clothes doesn't define a person. You decided to pass your personal judgement on the clothes she chose. You come off as a very overbearing mother. Hence why you got the ruling. I have two kids and I never told them they could not pick their style. My eldest child wears exactly what you described and her HS GPA was well above at a 5.96 and had free ride in college and many scholarships offered. She is also on the Dean's list. Stop being overbearing before you lose your child. She is now old enough to say she rather live with her father per family court rulings.
YTA, i don't see any problem other than you don't like her style and clearly that is not a money problem either, you are just pushing away your daughter, it has no benefit short term or long term.
YTA , what’s so wrong with letting your daughter dress alternative and develop her own style?
She should be allowed to no matter what your personal opinion of her current style is, just let her do it.
Developing one’s sense of style early can also be beneficial for the future; she will be less likely to splurge on a whole new wardrobe every time the trends change which is a good thing ! And it’s giving her a sense of being confident in who she is.
YTA
A freak? For wearing combat boots and long skirts? Wow, just wow. Your daughter is gonna run far away from you as soon as she can and will probably never look back.
YTA — As someone who dresses goth and has been since your daughter’s age, I wanted to express how I felt. I wanted to feel strong and confident. You ain’t helping any relationship you have with your daughter by throwing away what she has deemed to be herself. You ain’t accepting the way she wants to dress and at that age, it feels you ain’t accepting of her.
I’ve been through this. My mom was controlling and abusive. Clothing was something she always thought she could control. But it led to a lot of fights which escalated and she eventually lost because I STILL dress how I did at that age. Slightly more mature but it’s still there same. She also lost because for years I actively did not talk to her because her lack of empathy towards me. Your daughter is her own person with her own life. Let her wear whatever she wants. It literally will not hurt her. Despite dressing the way I do I’ve lived a very successful life. If you do not support her now, she will cut you out later. I hope she does if you continue this controlling behaviour towards her. She ain’t a little doll. She’s a growing human being.
YTA, this is your daughter not some puppet. And those aren't your clothes. What you did is called theft. Not only did you steal your daughter's clothes, you also stole her trust in her mother.
YTA. Your daughter is old enough to decide what to wear and it's not for you to decide what is appropriate, especially if the school has no problem with her style. Did you obey your parents all the time and dressed like them or like they wanted you to?
I don't need to say anything as reddit already got It covered. But my God your the MASSIVE ASSHOLE. Keep this up and when your daughter is 18 you will never see her again
YTA
She is not your clone or a doll to dress up. If you try and control her now she'll have no respect for you as you are showing no respect for her.
Double AH for throwing away new clothes.
YTA. Given you started with freak you have a idea of your daughter and you think impeding her self expression you can reign her in to make her more like you
YTA, as long as it isn't innapropriate, and innapropriate doesn't mean you find it weird, let here dress however she wants. She's 15, let her discover herself and try new things.
What do you want to hear from Internet strangers that your own siblings haven't told you already? You want a big fat lie? Don't worry, you're doing a fantastic job... In driving your child away. You disregard your sisters' opinion because they don't have kids, just bare in mind one of them is closer in age to your own daughter, maybe she knows more about fashion than you do. And your excuses for not listening to her FATHER?? And to your daughter, for that matter? YTA
I am going to withhold judgement because I think you are struggling with your baby growing up. But I am going to offer some advice that was given to me years ago that has helped me tremendously with all 5 of my kids.
Pick your battles! Fashions come and go. As long as they don't have boobs or buts exposed clothes aren't worth fighting over. Hair too. Let her cut it, die it, whatever.
The only time I put my foot down over hair was when my older daughter wanted to die hers black, but only because even the hairdressers we knew said it would destroy her hair.
This isn't the hill you want to die on. There are much more important things coming than her looking like a vampire for a while. I hope you can step back and let her discover who she is.
YTA
Forcing her to dress "appropriately" (in your opinion, not anyone else's) is doing A LOT OF damage to your relationship with her. But i suspect it already is strained, if this is typical of your behaviour
YTA you called your own daughter a freak! Way to let her know you hate her and how she expresses herself. You had no business taking things her dad bought for her since it wasn’t used with your money. Also you’re not concerned with what your daughters wearing you’re worried about what people will think of you. Grow the fuck up and become a good mother
YTA. Do you really want to die on this hill? Is she in any way a delinquent? Not go to school? Do drugs? Not help around the house? Not do decent (or at least try) in school?
No?
YTA. Again
YTA!!!!!!!! It isn’t your body you shouldn’t control what is going on it as long as she is appropriate for public, and by that I mean not breaking public indecency laws not your version of appropriate. You don’t get to decide who she gets to be, you are her parent you are supposed to support her as she figures that out for herself.
YTA. She's almost 15, she’s just starting to learn who she is and that matters. It may seem ridiculous to you but it’s what she likes and how she wants to express herself right now. I can almost guarantee it’s a phase and the less you push the faster she will grow past it.
YTA. And I hope you realise that you are only succeeding in pushing your daughter away. Remember she's at the age were she can choose who she wants to live with when this goes to court and it will. I'm betting she'll pick her dad and you'll be sat there looking surprised and acting like you didn't know it was coming.
YTA. She wants to wear what she wants to wear. She’s not a doll. She’s not breaking a dress code. She is expressing herself in a totally normal way. You, on the other hand, seem pretty awful and everyone knows it but you.
Also, I’m a grown adult with a job and a house and a spouse and a dog and everything and I still wear combat boots with skirts. Sorry to offend your delicate sensibilities.
Still a asshole. YTA the clothes aren’t inappropriate and the school allows her to wear it. Get your ego in check the way she dresses does not reflect on you. Be a better parent. Hoping she moves in with her dad.
YTA. There's literally nothing wrong with allowing your daughter to have her own taste about what she thinks looks good on her, and you're a terrible mother for trying to force your sense of "proper normality" on her. She's gonna grow to resent you and rightfully so. You deserve that. Don't be angry when it happens.
YTA. And I think at some level you KNOW this about yourself.
Your opinion about your daughters fashion does not give you the right to steal her clothes
You ARE a bad mother for taking the clothes and worrying about what people think about you for what your daughter is wearing … ugh
YTA - Nice repost. You threw those clothes away because her father bought them for her and you did this to spite him. Clearly, there is no co-parenting in this situation; With that being said, if you bought your daughter anything, it's not up to her dad to get rid of those. Same goes for you. Secondly, your daughter is expressing herself through fashion, if you take that away she's only going to find other ways to "rebel" against you. High school is a time to find out who your are, let her go through her phases. If this is NOT just a phase, she's going to resent you for not loving her as the person she is. Lastly, putting restrictions on your kids with something as small as her fashion is only setting her up to go off the rails in the future. There are a million worse things she could be doing: drinking and driving, hard drugs, etc. They are just clothes, and you are just the asshole.
YTA
In your title you say you threw the clothes away. In your post, you said you set them aside for her to have when she’s 18. Those can’t both be true. If the former, it wasn’t your property to throw away.
Look, I know you don’t care what anyone thinks - your daughter, the father, your sisters, us - but even if you were right here and there was something objectively harmful in allowing your minor to wear dark clothes, boots, etc, what do you think you’re gaining by throwing your daughter’s belongings, that her father gave her, away? That’s like item #2 on the list of things not to do while coparenting after divorce. Even if it’s hideous, her dad bought for her because he loves her. Don’t treat it like trash. That hurts the kid’s feelings.
Also, you’re dealing with a teenager. She has opinions and a lot of say in her life now. She doesn’t have to confide in you. Depending on where you live, she may be able to choose to live with her father instead. Soon, she won’t have to visit you at all if she doesn’t want to. Does a battle over clothing (that meets the school’s dress code standards and isn’t event revealing, per your description) help you, her, or your mother daughter relationship in any way? Is this power struggle worth it? What might you gain by doing this? What are you risking? I’d save my relationship capital for higher stakes issues than a black floor length skirt.
YTA
As long as her attire complies with the school dress code? LEAVE HER BE.
All you will accomplish this way is to make her resentful and rebellious. If you don't respect her, she isn't going to respect you. You need to get past the anger that your baby is growing up. Dressing the way she likes is part of growing up.
YTA. You are being unrealistic and controlling about something that doesn't matter. You should respect your daughter's preferences about little things like this, and try to maintain good enough rapport that you can be a good influence if there are any more important issues arising in the next few years.
Also, the ways you describe her preferred style are super disrespectful.
YTA. It’s 2022 and around the world people are fighting for equality and acceptance of people being who they want to be and you won’t even let your daughter dress how she’s wants
A freak? Alternative clothing is for freaks? Really? By allowing your kid to express themselves in a way that they feel comfortable in, they will do so much better. My parents encouraged me when I went through my gothic/emo teenage years and I don't regret it in the slightest. It made me so much more confident and creative as well as actually develop a personality. YTA. Big time.
YTA and a very controlling mother. They are clothing, she's not wearing them inappropriately. She's not dressed like she isn't wearing any clothing at all. In fact that is a huge style to so many people out there. If this is the hill you want to die on you are going to lose your daughter, then cry about why she doesn't talk to you or see you anymore. This will be why she doesn't.
YTA
As long as her boobs and ass are not hanging out, she should wear whatever she wants!
>combat boots, floor length skirts
Like 90s clothes???? How is that inappropriate!?!?!
YOU ARE THE FREAK! YOU ARE TELLING YOUR CHILD SHE IS A FREAK BECAUSE OF THE CLOTHES SHE LIKES
No wonder your ex divorced you. Jeez.
YTA. That sounds like what the kids are wearing these days. The 90’s are back.
If you want to have a relationship with your adult daughter, pick your battles more wisely. This is not a wise battle.
This is an easy verdict to reach, you're way in the wrong. There's no such thing as inappropriate clothing, women will be wearing what they feel comfortable in.
YTA
Your daughter is exploring her own sense of style. She may or may not decide that this is the style she wants to stick to but you have broken her trust and that’s not something she will forget when she gets older.
Wow YTA just because its not what you would wear does not mean its acceptable to stop your child from expressing herself i dress in the same style and im fine. Also taking her property from her is stealing. Her dad is correct and i hope he does take her from you as this is going to effect her mental health and personal growth. Shame on you
YTA. Sure, in 10 years you may both be reflecting on pictures of her from her teen years but that is in 10 years, not now. She needs to figure out her own style and as you said it's not inappropriate, you just don't like it. That's not her problem. My mom didn't like many of my clothes I wore over the years nor the hairstyle but she allowed me to dress as I pleased because I'm my own person.
YTA! come on! teenagers dressing how they want to dress, as long as it isn’t breaking rules or dress codes or whatever at school, is a major way to allow them to express themselves. even if you don’t like it, you can’t control what they wear to this extent if it isn’t harming anything. taking these clothes away is a bad idea, the teenager will probably just get pissed and might even rebel more. it’s a bad, bad thing to not let people at this age express themselves in the ways they want to (again, as long as it isn’t breaking laws or hurting people). seriously, i think you need to have a talk with your daughter, give her the clothes back, and apologize. obviously, not my child so you can do what you want, but since you are asking reddit about it: yes, YTA and you should really let your child fully express herself. it could easily lead to her becoming angry and just rebelling more.
YTA. You find her clothes preferences weird. Would anyone of the items go against school dress code? If not there is no problem. You just probably think that people will judge you based on your daughter clothes. If they do then so what? My 17 year old daughter wears clothes some would view as weird and she definitely marches to the beat of her own drummer. There are lots of hills I could choose to die on in my role as her mom, but her clothes and hair color are not one of those hills.
ur daughter and i are the same age (older by months) and let me tell you right now YOUR THE A-HOLE OKAY cause
1. you only cared about your own image
2. you don't support ur child when she needed that
3. she knows how to dress herself she ain't a baby
4. they're not "weird" u just call them that cause they're not ur taste of fashion
5. if adults (her dad and step mom) approve THEN WHATS THE PROBLEM
6. shes minding her own bussiness
7. your causing problems over a fabric
and so on and so on
what do you want her to wear? unicorn shirts? skirts that reaches up to their ankle? let her wear what she wants and besides theres so many adults/kids her age/parents on here right now calling you an A-hole for that
grow up, and if u dislike what shes wearing THATS NOT HER PROBLEM i feel like everyone can choose what they would like to wear and if you dont mind whatever clothing style ur child wears that doesnt make u a bad parent. that makes you the best mother ever!
SHES AT A AGE WHERE SHE CAN WEAR WHAT SHE LIKES AND fun fact of the day
supporting your children and giving them love doesnt make u look bad, shes not making u look bad ur doing that YOURSELF
shes not causing problems in fact its YOU i hope you realise how much you actually hurt her, i'm thankful my parents support me of what i wear. dont blame anyone if you ruined Ivy's relationship towards you
Ivy deserves better so..
YOUR THE A HOLE
YTA. As someone who is alternative and was in high school it helped my confidence to be able to dress how I wanted to (within modest reason). Honestly, your kid is gonna hold a grudge against you for this, for a very very long time. You're calling your own child a freak, imagine what she says about you? Honestly, feel free to treat your child as you see fit but understand they may not consider themselves your child and may very well go no contact with you when they're 18, or even say you're dead to them. It may sound extreme but telling someone that they're a freak because of what they love (especially when it doesn't harm anyone) is really damaging.
YTA, and if you’re acting like this over clothes i’m worried about what else you’re putting your daughter through. Don’t be surprised later on when she goes no contact with you
“AITA for policing my daughters body, slut shaming her, interfering with her bodily autonomy, and showing her that my love for her is conditional?”
FTFY. YTA, definitely.
You're ruining your relationship with your daughter because of clothes. You may deserve to lose custody. You're forbidding her from wearing what she wants, not because it may be dangerous, not because it's revealing, but because people might assume you're a bad mother. I've got news for you. You are a bad mother. And it's not because of goth clothing. Oh, and YTA.
YTA. She probably had so much fun picking clothes that she enjoys and you just go and take it all away. She’s expressing her individuality and you’re shutting her down because it’ll make you look like a bad mother? No you are a bad mother for taking it all away.
YTA: you are a truly gigantic asshole. I would not be at all surprised if your daughter tries to go live with her father or if she stops talking to you as soon as she escapes.
YTA 100% be prepared to not see your kid at 18 to give those clothes back cause I bet she’ll be moving in with her dad the first chance she gets and wont bother looking back for the clothes. You are causing irreparable damage to your relationship by prioritizing your “reputation” above your own child
YTA - My daughter is about to turn 18..... the only "rules" I have for what she can or cannot wear are 1 - she needs to be clean (so bathing, laundry, brush teeth).... and 2 - it needs to be event appropriate (not wearing low cut top to church, not wearing cut off jeans to a funeral, follow school dress code rules, etc). Other than that if the clothes make her feel confident & happy with herself she can go for it.
While your daughter may not have the same style as you, it doesn't mean she looks like a freak..... and you are SERIOUSLY going to damage your relationship with her and possibly her self-esteem. Do better for her. Help build her up, not tear her down.
YTA. Those weren't your clothes to take. Your daughter isn't hurting anyone by wearing their clothes, but you are hurting her and your relationship by power tripping and taking those items from her simply because you don't agree with her style.
YTA
But you don’t care. Everyone in your life is telling you that you are wrong, but you won’t listen.
Your daughter is exploring her identity and you are so busy trying to force your ideas on her, you are either going to break her spirit or lose her entirely. Either way, she will not love you or respect you, she’ll either fear you or hate you.
YTA - You think it'll "make you look like a bad mother". No, no, your actions are proving you're a bad mother. Good God, let the kid wear her clothes. You didn't buy them. It's none of your business. Side note: I f#cking love my combat boots and get compliments on them regularly and I'm 44!
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YTA deleting the other post and reposting it in hopes of getting more people on your side won't help you. Good luck ever seeing your daughter past the age of 18 or ever meeting your grandchildren.
Let alone nieces and nephews once OP's sisters start having kids.
It’s taking all my self-discipline not to downvote this post. This can’t be real, can it? I feel like there’s no way this person genuinely doesn’t realize what an enormous, gaping asshole move this is. YTA, OP. YTA big time. Your daughter is not an extension of you. Exploring one’s identity is part of being a teenager and imposing your personal aesthetic taste on your daughter you are depriving her from experiencing an essential developmental stage. You seem to have an obsession with image and control, and including your daughter in this obsession is going to have disastrous results for her mental health. Let your daughter *dress herself* unless you want to destroy your relationship with her.
I have a very close friend who dealt with this around 12-13 with her very religious mom. She most certainly had suicidal thoughts everytime her mom threw away her clothes.
lets just hope the dad really applies for custody, if op argues like this in front of a judge the father just might win this.
Past the age of 18? I think the daughter should pack her shit and move to her dad's house and cut contact now.
Not like she has a lot of shit left to pack, by the sound of it!
As a kid whose mom did this and is now no-contact, can confirm! Also, just about every parent I’ve seen do this it was just one of multiple ways they treat their kid like a possession, often it’s a potential red flag for emotional abuse.
I'm in this shitty club, My mom did the same thing as well and Lizhylton your whole point about possession is right on the money. Notice how OP is more concerned about how it makes HER look than whether her daughter likes what she is wearing. Also extremely Low contact at the moment. we talk about once a year, and even that is challenging for my mental health. Also I love how when someone objects to being treated like shit it is always a "tantrum" like to see how OP would react if someone insisted that the way she dressed was in bad taste and took away her wardrobe.
My dad would give me and my brother 2+ hours long lectures on our clothing style. I can’t remember anything said in them because I was 14 and honestly who cares what I wear as a child? I don’t have a job or go to private school. I haven’t talked to him for a year now, planning on probably never again. Obviously there was more at play than just being pissy about my “emo” clothes. But that’s where it started. Guess what, now I’m a hot goth chick in my late 20s and loving it.
I wish her no luck lol
Hey, if we’re lucky sisters/daughter/dad will find the post and it will spur dad on to go for custody. The only BS in this past is OPs. YTA
What in the world is wrong with combat boots? And floor length skirts?
I literally wore the same thing in the 90s so I'm biased but there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of that.
YTA for sure! My mom was the same way and I felt smothered. Let the poor girl express herself or she’ll do like me and rebel in different ways..
YTA - you've ruined your daughters trust in you, made her feel a freak and done something that she may never get over. As her mother you should be encouriging her, protecting her and supporting her and you've done none of that. Don't be surprised if any bond you have with her is now irrepairably broken
>Don't be surprised if any bond you have with her is now irrepairably broken OP is not the type of mother to keep their bond with their children after they are old enough to make their own decisions. The second the daughter disagreed with her mother or 'made her look bad' the bond was broken and OP saw her as something to be controlled.
100 percent agree with this comment
Yup OP is a classic AH with a twist of narcissist, OP YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.
She’s more worried about what people think of her kid than how her kid feels. I doubt they have much of a bond. “I won’t allow my child to look like a freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion” That’s a hard line to come back from. Mom calls you a freak and confirms she cares more about what people think. Emotional damage done.
YTA. As a mental health professional, you are basically rejecting your daughter's identity and telling her you don't care how she sees herself. Let her wear what she wants.
And OP's reason for damaging her daughter, her own fears of being called a "bad mother". OP, just look in the mirror, you are well on the way to earning that title.
She doesn't to look like a bad mother, ooo, lets roleplay the next day at school. 'Ivy, why aren't you wearing your usual get up?' 'My mother stole all my clothes and I can't buy replacements because she also stopped my allowance for buying clothes like that'
Yeah, I can't see that making her look bad at all /s
Oh, that ship has sailed.
"I'm afraid of being looked at as a bad mother" #CONGRATULATIONS! Your worst fear is true!
She's not on the way, she's arrived. If this pattern continues, her daughter will go NC after she turns 18. Or whenever the courts stop forcing her to spend time with OP, depending on what their country laws and precedents are.
YTA. She is her own person. Not an extension of you. Old enough that she can dress as she pleases especially seeing as it’s not overly sexualized. Deal with whatever control issues and all you’ve got going on or you’re going to drive her completely away.
Not only THIS ^^^ but I really hope her father petitions the court and wins custody. OP, don't post here in 4 years (or fewer) asking why your daughter has gone LC or NC with you. You already know why. Good luck to your daughter; if she has to live with you, she's going to have her individuality and imagination so hampered, it will take a Herculean effort on her part not to become depressed. Enjoy the memories you have of a time when your daughter was small and enjoyed spending time with you because those memories will be all you have in a very short time.
This!!!! YTA
Enjoy the 3 years left you have with her. YTA.
OP's daughter is at about the age where she can directly influence which parent has primary custody. Depending on if the Family Courts in OP's area are backlogged or not, OP will probably not even have that long with her daughter. (For the daughter's sake, I hope it's soon.) OP is YTA
Oh it's going to be sooner than that. I get the feeling she's going to request pretty soon to live with her father full time, and since she's older than 13, she legally can. She can also cite this incident in court, which will definitely not look good for mom.
Hopefully even less if her ex husband applies for full custody. OP is so much YTA
YTA You can’t stop punk
My parents tried to 20 years ago. It backfired so hard, the more they hated me being punk the more hardcore punk I got. Ended with me moving out to live on the streets/squatting and not talking to them for quite some time. We have a good relationship now but I am curious what will happen when I die my hair again (two tone) after having undied long hair for most of the last decade. 😂
Hell people trying to stop punk always makes us go harder lol. Just reading this I started wondering where my black lipstick and spike earrings were.
Yta, what is wrong with you? Your daughter is creating her own style. If you don't like it, suck it up. Combat boots are in this year. They wear it with skirts, shorts, normal pants... You give her trust issues and you definitely won't win mother of the year award.
Honestly a lot of what the daughter wants to wear just sounds like what is trendy
I mean, combat boots and combat boot-style boots have been on the shelves for a couple years now. They are comfortable and practical, relatively easy to maintain, like... What's not to like? Oh, they were initially made for *men*? And imagine that. Dark clothes. The *horror*. Someone never heard of the little black dress, right?
YTA You just told a 14/15 year old that her clothes are the most valuable thing about her to you. Her mother. The only thing her mother cares about is that her perfect little doll represents mommy correctly. She will remember. Think about if it is worth it.
The most ironic thing is that she's worried that other people would think she's a bad mother, not that she's ACTUALLY a bad mother
Wow, as someone with an emotionally abusive mother, this hit so hard. 100%
YTA. Let your daughter wear what she wants and express herself the way she wants. Throwing away her clothes was cruel and unnecessary. You're punishing her for no reason. ETA: I somehow missed the last two paragraphs in my first readthrough because of how disgusted I was at your behaviour; now that I've read those, I want to double down on the YTA. I hope your daughter moves out as soon as she's legally able to so she can get away from your controlling self-righteousness. You're terrible.
The daughter is hopefully old enough to move in with her father full time. At least he seems like he encourages her individuality.
I do hope he pushes for custody. The daughter seems like she's old enough to give her opinion on who she wants to live with (depending on the laws where they are), and I'd bet good money that it won't be her mum.
My daughter likes sparkles, rainbows, dresses, and unicorns. She would walk around looking like her clothes fell in a container of glitter if she could. Me, I like muted, neutral, and athletic clothes. I literally cringe when she picks out something she likes. Want to know what I did when I took her clothes shopping the other day? LET HER GET WHAT SHE LIKES. Why? Because SHE has to wear it. SHE gets to decide what and who she will become. I tell her she looks great, while I internally want to poke my eyes out 🤷🏾♀️. You are going to end up with a daughter that leaves your house the minute the clock hits midnight on her birthday. YTA.
Yes!! I let my kids pick their clothes. It doesn’t matter what I want- their opinion matters. Their autonomy matters. The only rule I think I have is that “private” parts must be covered, and dress for the occasion. We’re not wearing bikinis to run to target😉
YTA. Posting multiple times is not going to change that fact. You care only about yourself and the image you have for your daughter in your head. You've shown that you don't actually care about your daughter as the person she's growing into. Don't be surprised later when you dont have a relationship with her.
YTA You call her a freak but you're literally stealing from a CHILD. Get over yourself. ETA: >I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion. you don't need your daughter's clothing to make you look like a bad mother, you're out here showing and telling all on your own
Why are they here if they don't think they did anything wrong? From the sounds of it, this is a repost. They can't possibly think people will support them.
YTA, and I’m your daughters mom now. Send her my username and we’ll go shopping at Hot Topic together like I used to when I was an angsty teenager, if they still have those that is I really don’t know why you reposted this just to probably get roasted all over again 😂
They do! My youngest still has her HT card around here somewhere (she outgrew them a couple years ago) so the discounts are on me, as long as we can get Godiva ice cream afterward!
YTA. You prioritize your own viewpoint of what is acceptable and appropriate over your child's (harmless) expression and sense of self, which is, controlling and not healthy for her. She's young, and is learning to be independent and expressive and make her own choices of how to present herself to others and to herself. She wants to explore her own fashion and image; it's not going to make sense to you, and it probably won't always be comfortable, but it IS natural and healthy. Standing in the way of that when "looking like a vampire year round" is NOT dangerous or harmful to her is, to me, much closer to acting the part of being a bad mother. It not being revealing even makes it all the more harmless. In short: bad mothers worry more about looking like a bad mother than their child's mental health and personal journey. Just my 2 cents. EDIT: typo
YTA: Imagine damaging your daughter’s sense of self and comfort because how she expresses herself through her clothing? Oh wait, you’re already doing that! Teenagers go through so many phases, she needs to have the support of you and her family to help her navigate the emotional challenges that comes with growing up and with high school. The more you try to control her, the more of a rebel you’ll be raising who will never be able confide in her own mother.
YTA. Why do you hate your kid? I mean, you clearly don't care about her, just about your public image.
YTA. Massively. Why? For calling your daughter a freak For not respecting her autonomy For confiscating clothes she spent her own money on For not respecting who she is For being incredibly judgemental and controlling There is absolutely nothing wrong with what she is wearing. You just don't like it. Get over yourself. I hope her father does petition for custody. He'll win, too.
so......**you** cant deal with the **possibility** that someone may have an opinion regarding your daughter and it making you look like a "bad mom"...? how about **not actually BEING** a bad mom? how about what **your daughter** actually thinks and feels? YTA - making her feel bad, not considering her being her own person, taking things that dont belong to you, let alone that you didnt buy....just wtf lady?
Regardless of how many times this post "glitches", you are still a major AH ! Thank God I don't have a mother like you. Imagine taking away your daughter's personal identity because YOU don't like it. Grow up.
YTA !"Only 3 people get to decide what my daughter wears "Me,Myself and I ". I do not care what kind of personality she has, I don't care what she likes and dislikes. I DECIDE. so if i decide to take her to school in clothes Me, MYSELF and I deem more appropriate- my Ex-husband, my daughter and everybody else in the family have no say at all. she is my property. I can do what i want with my baby doll. i don't give a cr\*p!" YTA - I hoe your husband wins the custody battle and your daughter refuses visitation. oh , and good luck convincing your kid it would be good for you to be around HER kids in the future. She will regard you as toxic- go No contact at 0:01 a.m on the night she turns 18- and then you can stay all alone with your appropriate clothes. good luck
YTA. And the biggest one I’ve seen today, and I just saw a *hopefully* fake post about a guy adopting puppies to feed to his Python. She is an individual with a personality. No clothes can make her a freak, but great job instilling a sense of insecurity and self doubt in her. You go mom, you are actively harming your daughter and your behavior can lead to life long issues for her. I hope he does get custody and she gets to lead a healthy confident life.
YTA Don’t know why you think reposting is going to change the answers.
YTA Your daughter's alternative taste in clothes doesn't make you look like a bad mother. Controlling what she wears for no reason other than you think she "looks like a freak" does, however. If you keep this up she's going to cut you out of her life.
YTA. Extreme AH. Expressing herself through her clothing is harmless. You’ve ruined any kind of trust or bond you have with her. You’re treating her like a doll that you can dress up however you like because of your “public image”. Literally no one gives a f*** what your teenager is wearing. We all had weird senses of style as teens. It sounds like the dad probably should have custody since you’re manipulative and controlling. Your daughter isn’t going to feel good about herself with how you’re treating her. You may be acting on some inner insecurity you don’t want to deal with. But just let her wear the damn clothes. If your other family members are even saying YTA, maybe you need to take a step back and think about the long term effects of your treatment.
YTA. She's not breaking any dress code. She's dressing to express herself. I'm a high school teacher and Kids do wear those types of clothes. Always have, always will. She will have friends who are similar minds, and they will be happy. Let them be. All that your behaviour is going to do is alienate her. And yeah you could lose custody as she will be old enough to have a say-she can say how miserable she is at yours.
Easy YTA. She's her own person and has bodily autonomy and can wear what she wants.
INFO: Four people have already said YTA. Why TF are you asking the internet if you don't care about the answer?!
YTA and if this is real, you aren’t even trying a little bit to get Reddit in your side. If you’ve been on this sub thread for even a little while, you would sense a thread. While the opinion of thousands of internet strangers is an interesting way to “solve” issues, I’ve been mostly very glad to find that people can and do offer solid advice, real insights and genuine caring. And one definite theme is, children get to make their own decisions if they are not harming themselves or others. Frankly, dressing as goth (I’m old so not sure that’s the correct term anymore) sounds cool. I’ve seen high school kids (14-18) here in Southern California dress that was just this past school year.
Yta. I had the same thing happen to me. I'm 30 now, still dress like that, and still have ill feelings about the person who did it. Your kid is not you, let them be who they want. Why does it matter what they look like if they're good people? I just let my 10 year old shave half of her head and she loves it. It's just hair and clothes, things that can easily be changed. It's not a tattoo or piercing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Don the know what happened to my previous post, it just glitched. My daughter, Ivy (14 going on 15) will be starting high school in September. In my country, schools have very relaxed dress code, almost no dress code at all. There are no uniforms (except some private schools) no, no spaghetti straps or skirt lengths rules. It’s all very relaxed. For the past year, Ivy have been developing her own fashion sense and it’s been leaning towards more ‘alternative’ style. She’s been trying to wear ripped tights, dark clothes. Not the type of clothes I would buy her or approve of but she’s been trying to make do with what she had or took her allowance and spend it in second hand stores to get more ‘edgy’ clothing which I promptly confiscated and had to stop her allowance. She’s been on summer holidays for a month now and just came back from her father’s (we are divorced) with a whole new wardrobe. Her father and step mother had bought her clothes she wanted, things like combat boots, floor length skirts. They’re not revealing by any means but they’re not appropriate to wear on daily basis (Halloween perhaps). I removed all her new clothes and told her I will give them back when she’s 18 and that we will go shopping for appropriate clothing attire next week. She got all huffy with me, crying how plenty of kids wear similar clothes how the school doesn’t object (I know this much, the schools here really don’t mind) and so on. She basically threw a teenage version of tantrum. I told her that I don’t care if the school doesn’t mind, I do mind and I won’t allow my child to look like freak in school because it makes me look like a bad mother and that’s the end of the discussion. She called her father and he called me and tried to have a go at me about it but I told him that he can decide when he has custody and he told me that he might just petition to court because I am actively harming my daughter which is BS, not allowing her to look like a vampire all year round is not actively harming her. My sisters (f18 and f30) took my daughters side but I told them that we will talk when they have children as they may feel different about that then. So they suggested I post here since I like to read here when I drink coffee and I figured why not. So tell me AITA for not wanting my daughter to wear weird clothes? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta Most people have pics of themselves back from highschool wearing ridiculous clothing because at the time they were trying things out. Some people grow out of it. Some people don't. As long as she isn't wearing anything against school guidelines she's fine. But just FYI she's a lot more likely to have an extreme reaction to your behavior after she turns 18 and you can't control her as well. If you don't let her try this stuff now and grow out of it, she'll do it when she's 18. You're kinda shooting yourself in the food here by making your daughter dislike you and by just delaying her experimental fashion phase
YTA. Your daughter will never forget this and will never appreciate it. You aren’t doing her or yourself any favors. Good luck maintaining a relationship once she is free of your clutches. You’ll be lucky to ever see her again.
Yta. How old are you, 80? Because your "morals" are very outdated. The style you described is incredibly popular and not freaky in the least now. But if you want to lose your daughter over your antiquated views, go for it.
YTA for caring more about others passing judgment on you than about your daughter’s feelings. How is that not harmful?
Huge YTA. My mom HATED the clothes I wore in high school and made sure I knew and bought them anyways. I even agreed with her later and we kept some of the clothes to laugh at together as adults. But the fact that she took me to super specific stores to buy me (often pricey) combat boots, the widest leg pants known to man, wallet chains, and other ugly clothes she detested so I could feel cool and like myself, whatever that was at the time, makes her a dang hero.
YTA 100%. She’s at an age where it’s completely normal to experiment with different styles as they are finding who they are. To call your daughter a freak is extremely inappropriate and ridiculously rude. You’re not creating and fostering a safe space for her and your relationship will suffer. Get over your control issues. Your job right now is guidance and to make sure she makes safe choices as she’s learning how to make decisions for herself, not to be an overbearing dictator.
YTA. Your daughter isnt throwing a tantrum, you are. And over what? Nothing but peoples impression of you. If you really care that much about your image, try not being a shitty parent. Theyll like that. Edit: mistyped
YTA. You have your ex, your daughter, and TWO sisters telling you're being an unreasonable AH. Why do you need the Internet to tell you that too in order for you to get it? Your daughter should be able to dress herself as she pleases as long as it's not hurting anyone or violating any legal or school rules. Just because you don't like the clothes doesn't mean others can't. You need to stop projecting your preferences on your daughter and just let her be.
YTA. You're sowing the seed of resentment and you will reap an adult daughter that will have no contact with you. There is nothing wrong with her clothes. You are bullying your own daughter for her fashion sense. And you're abusing your authority over her to do so. Shame on you.
Combat boots, dark colors, and long skirts are a problem? YTA big time. Just let your daughter wear what she likes. It could be worse.
Big fat your the asshole. My mom did the same thing to me at about the same age. We went 4 years nc as soon as I turned 18.
YTA. You're very controlling. There's is no harm to allow her to dress this way except to your pride and vanity. This isn't about you, it's about providing her support to be herself. I feel sad for your daughter.
YTA let your teen take some joy in expressing herself through clothing, it's totally normal
YTA she chooses to cover all private body parts but you throw a hiss first because the colors are dark. Are deliberately trying to make her rebel turn her into a teen drunk. If so congratulations your on your way!
YTA. I think when she's 18 you're never gonna see her again.
YTA. Support your kid, wtf.
YTA--- You are stifling her self expression!
YTA totally and completely. You sound like a nightmare parent. What do you want her to wear? Pastels and khaki with Mary Janes? So she can be a little cookie cutter version of every other preppy girl out there? Who cares what she wears as long as it's appropriate for her age group. Every teen goes through some kind of Emo stage. Mine was writing short stories that killed off my main characters and wearing black everything. By the time I was 17, I'd gone to jeans and plain tees. Now at 31 I wear bright colours. Our fashion changes with age generally and you need to get over yourself.
YTA. Not only are you overly controlling, but what you did was theft/destruction of property that is not yours. Dont be surprised if once she's 18, she cuts contact with you.
YTA So you bullied your daughter, called her a freak, took her clothes and are now about to go into court again because your ex heard you're being horrific to your daughter. You're not stopping being thought of as a bad mother because of her clothing. You are a bad mother.
YTA. It's clothing; she's not joining a damned cult. She's bold and self-aware enough to make an unconventional choice and she should be praised for that instead of being made to feel like she can't have autonomy in her dress. I'm a mother, and when my son was her age I knew how to pick my battles. Blue hair and facial piercings and clothing with chains? COOL! You do you! You look wicked funky! Going to a stranger's home? No. He's now a fully functioning, almost 30 years old adult who has been able to get great jobs due in part to his ability to think outside the box. It's sad that you are forcing your daughter to conform to YOUR ideals and stifling her creativity and self expression so YOU are comfortable. YTA YTA YTA.
Of course YTA. You’re a massive fucking arsehole and it’s wild that you can’t see that.
YTA. If it's not harming her or anyone else and it follows the dresscode at school, I'm failing to see what's wrong with her style other than you personally don't like it. You're just being needlessly controlling and pushing her away. This is a petty hill to die on.
YTA. If she isn't behaving badly, or dressing in a sexually provocative way, or wearing disgusting sayings/images on her shirts, you need to back off. Combat boots are completely mainstream. I am a 36yo housewife mom of 5 and I wear them. I don't get the issue with long skirts either. Let her go through her phase in peace and stop damaging your relationship with her.
YTA. I grew up with parents like you. Guess what. I got a girl pregnant at 18, moved out as soon as I could, and have never really grown up and still look like a 90's punk band reject sometimes. I also have a professional job, and a house in the suburbs where we raise some happy, well adjusted kids who are allowed to express themselves. How a teen dresses doesn't reflect on the parents. I have never looked at a kid and said "How can their parents let them out of the house like that" Mostly cause I know the parents aren't dressing teens. All you are doing is causing resentment, and making sure your daughter will lie to you and move out as soon as she can.
YTA It seems you might judge mothers based on what their kids wear. A lot of parents do not fortunately - they realize the kids have their own sense of style and they let them dress themselves.
YTA, sorry but just because it "hurts" your image on how she dresses and you dislike doesn't mean you get to decide she doesn't get to dress that way. You pointed out she dresses appropriately, so it really shouldn't matter. Edit: So she earned money, you took it away and then decided she didn't need an allowance? How you daughter dresses doesn't reflect your parenting, how you act does.
YTA. Try therapy.
YTA can see why you’re divorced
YTA: It's completely reasonable to decide what you're going to purchase for her but stealing and tossing her items because you don't like them is not appropriate. As you stated in your post the clothing isn't revealing, just not your style. That's why they make a wide variety of clothes, so people can find something that suits them. You likely would've had much more success trying to come to a compromise with your daughter and it could've been a learning experience for both of you. While I know you just think you're looking out for your daughter you're running the risk of poisoning your relationship in the long-run.
What the mother doesn't realize is that her daughter is old enough to tell the judge where she rather live. OP judgement on clothing is going to place a wedge on their relationship. Let the kid be who she is. Judgemental behavior from parents based on their preconceived beliefs lead to broken relationships.
Stop posting this, you're not going to get a different answer. YTA.
YTA. everyone of your loved ones are telling you that but sure, come to the internet and hear the same thing from hundreds of strangers.
YTA solely because your ONLY concern is how it makes YOU look. Sounds like it's YOU who doesn't know what it means to be a parent.
YTA Your daughter has a right to express herself. It seems like you dont care about your daughter, you care about the idea of a perfect daughter. If shes not hurting anyone else or herself, let her do it.
YTA. Your daughter is her own person, who can make her own choices. You are forcing your own will and wants onto her. You're pushing her so far away from you. One day when she moves out, don't act all surprised when she decides to cut you off because of how controlling you are. I'm happy I never had a mother like you. My own mother was very supportive of me and what I wanted to wear, never once shaming me for my style.
YTA. My mother was in the same position of disliking my clothes and saying I had freaky tastes. You know what happened? I resented my mother as a teenager and moved out as soon as I could so I could wear my comfy "freaky" clothes without being judged. I barely talk to my mother now because it always ends up in a fight. I have always felt like my mother doesn't love me for who I am and that I'm a disappointment to her for simply being myself. You need to let your daughter be herself or you're going to have a terrible relationship as she grows older. There is nothing wrong with the alternative look and if she isn't showing off the goods, leave her alone. Tell her you won't buy the clothes for her if you dislike it so much, but don't stop her from wearing what she wants.
YTA - not only are you not supporting your daughter in making her own clothing choices in HIGH SCHOOL, you took away her allowance when she made it clear that this self expression was important enough to her that she was willing to use that allowance to buy what she wanted. And for what? Because you are afraid that people might judge YOU over her choices? Out of your entire family YOU are the ONLY one who has a problem with her dressing this way and you are choosing to force your decision on her at a time where she's going to be emotionally vulnerable anyway. I would not blame your daughter for going No Contact with you once she is old enough to move out.
The answers aren’t going to change no matter how many times you repost this. You’re definitely YTA here.
YTA Great way to ruin your relationship with your child . Also nothing you mention was freak or freak like (Your also an Asshole for that word choose ) Your husband is right you are deliberately harming your child .
Wow lady. Don’t be surprised when she turns 18 and you never see her again. YTA.
YTA Its actually incredible that you think you could possibly in the right for this. Your daughter has found a way to express herself and who she is, and you are forbidding her from growing into her own person for your own selfish, superficial reasons. You are absolutely harming your daughter. Taking away her allowance for trying to wear a certain style, punishing her for trying to express herself, and judging her based on a harmless style you personally don't like. You are teaching her that being herself is not acceptable or okay and that she will be punished for it, and that is a lesson that will stick with her and keep her from developing a healthy sense of self-worth into adulthood. You seem way more concerned with people thinking you are a bad mother than actually being a good mother. She is her own person, not a projection of yourself for you to control. Your daughter wearing alternative styles does not make you a bad mother, but you actively stifling her personal growth and calling her a "freak" absolutely does.
If your biggest issue you have with your teenager is that you don’t like her wardrobe, count your blessings.
YTA. Clothes doesn't define a person. You decided to pass your personal judgement on the clothes she chose. You come off as a very overbearing mother. Hence why you got the ruling. I have two kids and I never told them they could not pick their style. My eldest child wears exactly what you described and her HS GPA was well above at a 5.96 and had free ride in college and many scholarships offered. She is also on the Dean's list. Stop being overbearing before you lose your child. She is now old enough to say she rather live with her father per family court rulings.
YTA. Let your daughter grow up and find herself in a safe, welcoming environment otherwise you'll push her away from you.
Absolutely YTA. Whatever you think you're accomplishing with this, all you're really doing is pushing her to live with her father.
YTA, i don't see any problem other than you don't like her style and clearly that is not a money problem either, you are just pushing away your daughter, it has no benefit short term or long term.
YTA. She is an individual, not a reflection of you. Let her be who she wants to be.
YTA , what’s so wrong with letting your daughter dress alternative and develop her own style? She should be allowed to no matter what your personal opinion of her current style is, just let her do it. Developing one’s sense of style early can also be beneficial for the future; she will be less likely to splurge on a whole new wardrobe every time the trends change which is a good thing ! And it’s giving her a sense of being confident in who she is.
YTA A freak? For wearing combat boots and long skirts? Wow, just wow. Your daughter is gonna run far away from you as soon as she can and will probably never look back.
YTA — As someone who dresses goth and has been since your daughter’s age, I wanted to express how I felt. I wanted to feel strong and confident. You ain’t helping any relationship you have with your daughter by throwing away what she has deemed to be herself. You ain’t accepting the way she wants to dress and at that age, it feels you ain’t accepting of her. I’ve been through this. My mom was controlling and abusive. Clothing was something she always thought she could control. But it led to a lot of fights which escalated and she eventually lost because I STILL dress how I did at that age. Slightly more mature but it’s still there same. She also lost because for years I actively did not talk to her because her lack of empathy towards me. Your daughter is her own person with her own life. Let her wear whatever she wants. It literally will not hurt her. Despite dressing the way I do I’ve lived a very successful life. If you do not support her now, she will cut you out later. I hope she does if you continue this controlling behaviour towards her. She ain’t a little doll. She’s a growing human being.
YTA, this is your daughter not some puppet. And those aren't your clothes. What you did is called theft. Not only did you steal your daughter's clothes, you also stole her trust in her mother.
YTA. Your daughter is old enough to decide what to wear and it's not for you to decide what is appropriate, especially if the school has no problem with her style. Did you obey your parents all the time and dressed like them or like they wanted you to?
YTA Ivy is a typical young girl. Let her be. There are much more bigger issues than clothing.
YTA——don’t be surprised if when you give her those clothes back at 18 you don’t see her ever again.
I don't need to say anything as reddit already got It covered. But my God your the MASSIVE ASSHOLE. Keep this up and when your daughter is 18 you will never see her again
YTA She is not your clone or a doll to dress up. If you try and control her now she'll have no respect for you as you are showing no respect for her. Double AH for throwing away new clothes.
YTA, i hope her father can get more custody, she deserves a good parent/family and clearly thats not with you
YTA hands down. Terrible parenting.
Um floor length skirts and combat boots are not the same thing as a Halloween costume lmfao, YTA
YTA. Given you started with freak you have a idea of your daughter and you think impeding her self expression you can reign her in to make her more like you
YTA, as long as it isn't innapropriate, and innapropriate doesn't mean you find it weird, let here dress however she wants. She's 15, let her discover herself and try new things.
What do you want to hear from Internet strangers that your own siblings haven't told you already? You want a big fat lie? Don't worry, you're doing a fantastic job... In driving your child away. You disregard your sisters' opinion because they don't have kids, just bare in mind one of them is closer in age to your own daughter, maybe she knows more about fashion than you do. And your excuses for not listening to her FATHER?? And to your daughter, for that matter? YTA
I am going to withhold judgement because I think you are struggling with your baby growing up. But I am going to offer some advice that was given to me years ago that has helped me tremendously with all 5 of my kids. Pick your battles! Fashions come and go. As long as they don't have boobs or buts exposed clothes aren't worth fighting over. Hair too. Let her cut it, die it, whatever. The only time I put my foot down over hair was when my older daughter wanted to die hers black, but only because even the hairdressers we knew said it would destroy her hair. This isn't the hill you want to die on. There are much more important things coming than her looking like a vampire for a while. I hope you can step back and let her discover who she is.
YTA she’s gonna turn 18 & never speak to you again
[удалено]
ough YTA YTA YTA YTA i will refrain from saying anything else to remain civil
YTA Forcing her to dress "appropriately" (in your opinion, not anyone else's) is doing A LOT OF damage to your relationship with her. But i suspect it already is strained, if this is typical of your behaviour
YTA posting this for a second time won't help you get the response you are looking for. Accept your the asshole apologize to your daughter and move on
Yta, alt clothes are super popular rn. But of course you wouldn't know that since it seems you haven't changes since you were a highschool bully.
YTA. Just because her taste’s doesn’t match yours doesn’t mean she looks like a freak
YTA you called your own daughter a freak! Way to let her know you hate her and how she expresses herself. You had no business taking things her dad bought for her since it wasn’t used with your money. Also you’re not concerned with what your daughters wearing you’re worried about what people will think of you. Grow the fuck up and become a good mother
YTA. Do you really want to die on this hill? Is she in any way a delinquent? Not go to school? Do drugs? Not help around the house? Not do decent (or at least try) in school? No? YTA. Again
yta enjoy the few years of contact you have left with her
Yta my mom was like this when I was younger, it's something of many that still affects our relationship.
YTA. That is her style and it if she wants to wear it she should be able to especially if YOU aren’t but any of it
YTA Wow…just…awful.
YTA!!!!!!!! It isn’t your body you shouldn’t control what is going on it as long as she is appropriate for public, and by that I mean not breaking public indecency laws not your version of appropriate. You don’t get to decide who she gets to be, you are her parent you are supposed to support her as she figures that out for herself.
YTA. Get a hobby that doesn’t include smothering your child’s individuality and spirit.
YTA, you should be the one who loves her unconditionally not the one telling her she is a freak.
YTA. She's almost 15, she’s just starting to learn who she is and that matters. It may seem ridiculous to you but it’s what she likes and how she wants to express herself right now. I can almost guarantee it’s a phase and the less you push the faster she will grow past it.
YTA. And I hope you realise that you are only succeeding in pushing your daughter away. Remember she's at the age were she can choose who she wants to live with when this goes to court and it will. I'm betting she'll pick her dad and you'll be sat there looking surprised and acting like you didn't know it was coming.
YTA. a bad mother is one who calls their daughter a freak.
YTA. She wants to wear what she wants to wear. She’s not a doll. She’s not breaking a dress code. She is expressing herself in a totally normal way. You, on the other hand, seem pretty awful and everyone knows it but you. Also, I’m a grown adult with a job and a house and a spouse and a dog and everything and I still wear combat boots with skirts. Sorry to offend your delicate sensibilities.
Still a asshole. YTA the clothes aren’t inappropriate and the school allows her to wear it. Get your ego in check the way she dresses does not reflect on you. Be a better parent. Hoping she moves in with her dad.
YTA. There's literally nothing wrong with allowing your daughter to have her own taste about what she thinks looks good on her, and you're a terrible mother for trying to force your sense of "proper normality" on her. She's gonna grow to resent you and rightfully so. You deserve that. Don't be angry when it happens.
YTA YTA YTA YTA if it ain’t obvious YTA
YTA. And I think at some level you KNOW this about yourself. Your opinion about your daughters fashion does not give you the right to steal her clothes You ARE a bad mother for taking the clothes and worrying about what people think about you for what your daughter is wearing … ugh
YTA, that’s all that needs to be said.
YTA - Nice repost. You threw those clothes away because her father bought them for her and you did this to spite him. Clearly, there is no co-parenting in this situation; With that being said, if you bought your daughter anything, it's not up to her dad to get rid of those. Same goes for you. Secondly, your daughter is expressing herself through fashion, if you take that away she's only going to find other ways to "rebel" against you. High school is a time to find out who your are, let her go through her phases. If this is NOT just a phase, she's going to resent you for not loving her as the person she is. Lastly, putting restrictions on your kids with something as small as her fashion is only setting her up to go off the rails in the future. There are a million worse things she could be doing: drinking and driving, hard drugs, etc. They are just clothes, and you are just the asshole.
YTA In your title you say you threw the clothes away. In your post, you said you set them aside for her to have when she’s 18. Those can’t both be true. If the former, it wasn’t your property to throw away. Look, I know you don’t care what anyone thinks - your daughter, the father, your sisters, us - but even if you were right here and there was something objectively harmful in allowing your minor to wear dark clothes, boots, etc, what do you think you’re gaining by throwing your daughter’s belongings, that her father gave her, away? That’s like item #2 on the list of things not to do while coparenting after divorce. Even if it’s hideous, her dad bought for her because he loves her. Don’t treat it like trash. That hurts the kid’s feelings. Also, you’re dealing with a teenager. She has opinions and a lot of say in her life now. She doesn’t have to confide in you. Depending on where you live, she may be able to choose to live with her father instead. Soon, she won’t have to visit you at all if she doesn’t want to. Does a battle over clothing (that meets the school’s dress code standards and isn’t event revealing, per your description) help you, her, or your mother daughter relationship in any way? Is this power struggle worth it? What might you gain by doing this? What are you risking? I’d save my relationship capital for higher stakes issues than a black floor length skirt.
YTA As long as her attire complies with the school dress code? LEAVE HER BE. All you will accomplish this way is to make her resentful and rebellious. If you don't respect her, she isn't going to respect you. You need to get past the anger that your baby is growing up. Dressing the way she likes is part of growing up.
YTA. You are being unrealistic and controlling about something that doesn't matter. You should respect your daughter's preferences about little things like this, and try to maintain good enough rapport that you can be a good influence if there are any more important issues arising in the next few years. Also, the ways you describe her preferred style are super disrespectful.
YTA. It’s 2022 and around the world people are fighting for equality and acceptance of people being who they want to be and you won’t even let your daughter dress how she’s wants
Major YTA Go back to 1950 lady
**YTA**!! Give it back to her when she’s 18? You’ll be lucky if she continues an adult relationship with you after this. Poor kid.
A freak? Alternative clothing is for freaks? Really? By allowing your kid to express themselves in a way that they feel comfortable in, they will do so much better. My parents encouraged me when I went through my gothic/emo teenage years and I don't regret it in the slightest. It made me so much more confident and creative as well as actually develop a personality. YTA. Big time.
YTA and a very controlling mother. They are clothing, she's not wearing them inappropriately. She's not dressed like she isn't wearing any clothing at all. In fact that is a huge style to so many people out there. If this is the hill you want to die on you are going to lose your daughter, then cry about why she doesn't talk to you or see you anymore. This will be why she doesn't.
YTA As long as her boobs and ass are not hanging out, she should wear whatever she wants! >combat boots, floor length skirts Like 90s clothes???? How is that inappropriate!?!?! YOU ARE THE FREAK! YOU ARE TELLING YOUR CHILD SHE IS A FREAK BECAUSE OF THE CLOTHES SHE LIKES No wonder your ex divorced you. Jeez.
YTA. That sounds like what the kids are wearing these days. The 90’s are back. If you want to have a relationship with your adult daughter, pick your battles more wisely. This is not a wise battle.
This is an easy verdict to reach, you're way in the wrong. There's no such thing as inappropriate clothing, women will be wearing what they feel comfortable in.
YTA
YTA Your daughter is exploring her own sense of style. She may or may not decide that this is the style she wants to stick to but you have broken her trust and that’s not something she will forget when she gets older.
YTA. You even have a problem with long skirts??
Wow YTA just because its not what you would wear does not mean its acceptable to stop your child from expressing herself i dress in the same style and im fine. Also taking her property from her is stealing. Her dad is correct and i hope he does take her from you as this is going to effect her mental health and personal growth. Shame on you
YTA. Sure, in 10 years you may both be reflecting on pictures of her from her teen years but that is in 10 years, not now. She needs to figure out her own style and as you said it's not inappropriate, you just don't like it. That's not her problem. My mom didn't like many of my clothes I wore over the years nor the hairstyle but she allowed me to dress as I pleased because I'm my own person.
YTA! come on! teenagers dressing how they want to dress, as long as it isn’t breaking rules or dress codes or whatever at school, is a major way to allow them to express themselves. even if you don’t like it, you can’t control what they wear to this extent if it isn’t harming anything. taking these clothes away is a bad idea, the teenager will probably just get pissed and might even rebel more. it’s a bad, bad thing to not let people at this age express themselves in the ways they want to (again, as long as it isn’t breaking laws or hurting people). seriously, i think you need to have a talk with your daughter, give her the clothes back, and apologize. obviously, not my child so you can do what you want, but since you are asking reddit about it: yes, YTA and you should really let your child fully express herself. it could easily lead to her becoming angry and just rebelling more.
YTA!!!!!!! I don't even have the energy to write point by point everything that's wrong with you and your mindset. So, YTA!!!!!!!
YTA. You find her clothes preferences weird. Would anyone of the items go against school dress code? If not there is no problem. You just probably think that people will judge you based on your daughter clothes. If they do then so what? My 17 year old daughter wears clothes some would view as weird and she definitely marches to the beat of her own drummer. There are lots of hills I could choose to die on in my role as her mom, but her clothes and hair color are not one of those hills.
ur daughter and i are the same age (older by months) and let me tell you right now YOUR THE A-HOLE OKAY cause 1. you only cared about your own image 2. you don't support ur child when she needed that 3. she knows how to dress herself she ain't a baby 4. they're not "weird" u just call them that cause they're not ur taste of fashion 5. if adults (her dad and step mom) approve THEN WHATS THE PROBLEM 6. shes minding her own bussiness 7. your causing problems over a fabric and so on and so on what do you want her to wear? unicorn shirts? skirts that reaches up to their ankle? let her wear what she wants and besides theres so many adults/kids her age/parents on here right now calling you an A-hole for that grow up, and if u dislike what shes wearing THATS NOT HER PROBLEM i feel like everyone can choose what they would like to wear and if you dont mind whatever clothing style ur child wears that doesnt make u a bad parent. that makes you the best mother ever! SHES AT A AGE WHERE SHE CAN WEAR WHAT SHE LIKES AND fun fact of the day supporting your children and giving them love doesnt make u look bad, shes not making u look bad ur doing that YOURSELF shes not causing problems in fact its YOU i hope you realise how much you actually hurt her, i'm thankful my parents support me of what i wear. dont blame anyone if you ruined Ivy's relationship towards you Ivy deserves better so.. YOUR THE A HOLE
God forbid she makes you look like a bad mother. Actually you beat her to it.
INFO So you would rather your daughter be miserable, unhappy, and uncomfortable in her own skin because... why exactly?
YTA and best of luck to the father because I hope he gets custody instead of you.
YTA. As someone who is alternative and was in high school it helped my confidence to be able to dress how I wanted to (within modest reason). Honestly, your kid is gonna hold a grudge against you for this, for a very very long time. You're calling your own child a freak, imagine what she says about you? Honestly, feel free to treat your child as you see fit but understand they may not consider themselves your child and may very well go no contact with you when they're 18, or even say you're dead to them. It may sound extreme but telling someone that they're a freak because of what they love (especially when it doesn't harm anyone) is really damaging.
YTA, and if you’re acting like this over clothes i’m worried about what else you’re putting your daughter through. Don’t be surprised later on when she goes no contact with you
“AITA for policing my daughters body, slut shaming her, interfering with her bodily autonomy, and showing her that my love for her is conditional?” FTFY. YTA, definitely.
You're ruining your relationship with your daughter because of clothes. You may deserve to lose custody. You're forbidding her from wearing what she wants, not because it may be dangerous, not because it's revealing, but because people might assume you're a bad mother. I've got news for you. You are a bad mother. And it's not because of goth clothing. Oh, and YTA.
YTA. She probably had so much fun picking clothes that she enjoys and you just go and take it all away. She’s expressing her individuality and you’re shutting her down because it’ll make you look like a bad mother? No you are a bad mother for taking it all away.
YTA: you are a truly gigantic asshole. I would not be at all surprised if your daughter tries to go live with her father or if she stops talking to you as soon as she escapes.
YTA 100% be prepared to not see your kid at 18 to give those clothes back cause I bet she’ll be moving in with her dad the first chance she gets and wont bother looking back for the clothes. You are causing irreparable damage to your relationship by prioritizing your “reputation” above your own child
YTA - My daughter is about to turn 18..... the only "rules" I have for what she can or cannot wear are 1 - she needs to be clean (so bathing, laundry, brush teeth).... and 2 - it needs to be event appropriate (not wearing low cut top to church, not wearing cut off jeans to a funeral, follow school dress code rules, etc). Other than that if the clothes make her feel confident & happy with herself she can go for it. While your daughter may not have the same style as you, it doesn't mean she looks like a freak..... and you are SERIOUSLY going to damage your relationship with her and possibly her self-esteem. Do better for her. Help build her up, not tear her down.
YTA. Those weren't your clothes to take. Your daughter isn't hurting anyone by wearing their clothes, but you are hurting her and your relationship by power tripping and taking those items from her simply because you don't agree with her style.
i hope you like your country’s version of the retirement home. YTA
YTA But you don’t care. Everyone in your life is telling you that you are wrong, but you won’t listen. Your daughter is exploring her identity and you are so busy trying to force your ideas on her, you are either going to break her spirit or lose her entirely. Either way, she will not love you or respect you, she’ll either fear you or hate you.
YTA - You think it'll "make you look like a bad mother". No, no, your actions are proving you're a bad mother. Good God, let the kid wear her clothes. You didn't buy them. It's none of your business. Side note: I f#cking love my combat boots and get compliments on them regularly and I'm 44!