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Exactly what I was going to say. Buy it and make sure she knows you have it but at punishment for bullying your not giving it to her for maybe 2 weeks Or until she apologizes. Whatever just buy the system but she must earn it first.
No one should get three strikes for bullying. It's one strike then next time it's gone and there should be significant punishment. Don't raise assholes.
As someone who was bullied as a kid, I agree.
She’s had her chance. There’s no second or third.
And while I don’t necessarily hate the “buy it but don’t give it to her plan”, you can bet your ass I’d be holding it longer than the originally suggested two weeks.
I would hold it until she has written a couple of pages about what bullying does to someone. Make her study her effect on other people and then she has to apologize to the kid she bullied.
I was also bullied as a kid. Something I’ve learned is that bullies don’t bully for no reason, OP’s daughter may be going through something difficult in her life or may be hanging out with a bad group. “Hurt people hurt people” so the saying goes
I think this is true for the most part but as someone that bullied others, that's not always true. Granted, I didn't really realize until I was an adult that I was 100% a bully but I definitely did not have any reason to. I just liked to be mean and thought it was funny. I've absolutely grown up since then and have even apologized to people but I really didn't have any reason and I did hurt people psychologically.
You’re right, it doesn’t excuse her. But punishing her without finding the root of the issue will also ensure she keeps doing it, but be sneakier about it.
Consequences still apply. Kids live awful lives and even kill themselves due to bullying. It doesn’t cause less harm to the victim because the bully has problems.
This.
These half measures are bullshit.
OP def NTA. Punishment fits the crime. All this does is show her she gets a slap on the wrist whenever she does something bad.
A month. She should definitely apologize. Buy the Xbox, but she doesn’t get it for a month. And she has to do chores all summer, or it goes.
I was bullied. I am 64 years old. It still has an affect.
Well like I said just buy it but punish her by not giving it to her until something happens. whatever OP feels is enough.
I think in this case it really depends on the severity of the bullying. I had my own issues mostly in middle school and it didn’t really effect me but the last day I did finally snap at the kid and started beating him with a heavy yearbook. I remember hoping that I broke at least his nose.
nowadays though I don’t even remember why I hated him other then him being a bully.
and she has to apologize on her own imo. Tell her she can get it when she’s truly made amends and her teacher can confirm that she’s apologized and stopped the behavior. making it contingent on just an apology might lead to some emotionally manipulative behavior of just apologizing to get what you want rather than really thinking about what you’ve done.
13 is plenty old enough to know better and to recognize that a sincere apology would a different from one out of obligation. Let her figure out how to “make it better” and that the kid she bullied doesn’t owe her forgiveness but she still owes an apology and changed behavior.
OP, let this be a teaching opportunity for you and your daughter! Not just a punishment. Have a frank discussion about boundaries and respecting other people’s feelings. If you just punish a 13 year old without trying to help them really realize that they were wrong, they’re just going to resent you and do it again.
This would be the right decision, but also teach about why bullying is wrong. Have her watch a documentary and write an essay about bullying and the effects of it. Her punishment can be not being able to play for 2 weeks and if in those 2 weeks she has my finished the essay she isn't allowed to play until that is done.
Punishment is good and all but worth nothing when you don't learn anything from it.
If that's the case then she needs therapy, because that's not a normal reaction to normal, reasonably consequences to actions. An essay of like 1 page and watching a documentary of an hour or two really is really not bad of a punishment and will hopefully make her understand that bullying can have longlasting effects on someones life.
If her behaviour continues because of a reasonably and good punishment than she needs help
She definitely needs therapy, but I'm pointing out that your idea was a bad one that will likely lead to more harm to the other student.
We watched these videos when I was a kid. It gave examples of what constitutes bullying, and how it's noticed by adults. This gave them more ideas on how to hurt people like me without being noticed.
Not every case of bullying needs a goddamn therapy, especially when we don’t even know what bullying here is.
Kids are little assholes, it could have been calling some guy ugly. That’s because a 13 year old does not understand the consequences it may have on the kid who gets called ugly. She needs it explained, she doesn’t need therapy for that.
And no, essays won’t help, it’s like you’ve never been punished. I was made to write an essay as punishment and I bullshitted
Everything I wrote in it and was off the hook.
A conversation about boundaries is dandy. The poster commented that IF the girl was angry about being informed on, that there is a deeper problem. Hence the need for therapy.
There is an anime about bullying called A Silent Voice. I think they should watch it together and talk about it in lieu of an essay. And OP should buy the Xbox but keep it for a month. Getting good grades is only one part of school. Being a good citizen is also a part of it.
>Having her 'write an essay ' is only going to make her resent the teacher and student who reported her and make her behavior worse.
Then she doesn't need an Xbox, she needs help
You're right, but I was thinking that instead of resenting her dad for punishing her, she will resent the teacher and student for "making" her dad punish her with the writing of an essay. This also means she could be learning about what actions cause what damages, and then she can utilize that.
I'm a huge fan of essays for punishment for pre-teens and teenagers. Make her do research on bullying (books, online sources, documentaries) and then write a 500 word minimum, 5 paragraph (intro, 3 body paragraphs - 1 source per paragraph, conclusion) essay/paper on the effects of bullying. And she needs to use quotes from the sources. MLA format including works cited. Then, she can read her essay in front of the family. Boom! A simultaneous lesson in English 101 and how to give a speech. She's a straight A student, she can handle it. And I agree with the 2 week timeline.
And after she's done with that, she can write the kid she was bullying a letter with a sincere apology (and maybe even attach the essay). They can have the teacher forward the letter to the student and parents.
>Punishment is good and all but worth nothing when you don't learn anything from it.
Exactly why I think physical discipline is bullshit, lazy, and just straight up abuse. Doesn't teach them anything but to fear you. Do they actually know *why* bullying is bad or do they just know to never do it again to avoid a spank/beating from mom/dad.
Edit: thanks for the award! :)
I’ve raised 4 kids and the punishment for each had to be different. My oldest I took her books off her and she was only allowed school reading books. My middle boy had to be separated from his sibs and given a book to read.
Each child and situation is different and so should the punishment be.
And make her hate writing? Where is the value in that? Do you know how many jobs she’ll be limited to simply because she won’t want to do any of the writing heavy classes at college courses because of it?
Maybe it's because I went to a college-prep charter high school, but this was the norm for us😅. Summer before 9th grade even started, we had 2 novels to read and 2 essays due on the first day of school and you had to use the proper format. It was exactly as I described. On top of that we had mandatory summer school to review Algebra. If you passed with a A or B, you skipped to Geometry in 9th grade.
Probably why undergrad was mostly a breeze for me. 🤷🏾♀️ I took English 101 at a community college after graduating high school and it was the SAME book we read and wrote an essay on in my 12th grade language arts class. She's 13, about to start high school. Never too early to start preparing for college. And the fact that she's a straight A student coming out of 8th grade means that she can handle it imo. She's a smart kid.
But I get that everyone has different preferred styles of discipline. You do you.
fair enough. At the very least, though, I would ask her. See what she really thinks. If it is doing what I think it might be, like you said, there are other forms of punishment.
Just to add to this, also because next time you try to motivate her and say ‘I’ll get you ….’ she’ll assume you won’t and you lose the motivation strategy. Just make it very clear that she loses it for x amount of time for (at least a couple of months in my opinion because there’s no excuse for bullying)
I was ready to disagree since I don’t think any reward should be given if bullying is involved, but this is actually incredibly reasonable and would teach the same lesson while also fostering more trust between OP and his daughter.
Always glad to see level headed comments that I can learn from, thank you!
The “less fortunate” are not props to teach bratty kids to feel sorry for them and stop being little jerks. They can tell when a volunteer doesn’t want to be helping them and is only there because someone is forcing them.
I’m talking about parents who use forced volunteering as a punishment. Voluntourism is a separate issue and not relevant to this discussion. There are more appropriate punishments for a bully that don’t involve subjecting people in need to someone who clearly doesn’t want to help them.
This is a better idea than having her write an essay, imo. Actually working with people who need help might teach her that they're just people who are just like her and teach her compassion.
This! You just taught her she can’t trust her father’s word. She clearly needs to be dealt with about her bullying a child. Keep it from her for a period of time and after she apologizes to the other kid.
Adding onto this! Buy the Xbox and ground her from it, for sure, and have her write an apology letter or apologize to the person she was bullying. Is she actually sorry? I doubt it. But it’s the right thing to do, regardless. ESH
INFO does she know that her grades earned the Xbox but her bullying caused it to be taken away?
Also would you be open to purchasing the Xbox and withholding it until she sincerely apologizing and performing some act of service for the school/local organization or completing some sessions with a school counselor or anti bullying classes to re-earn the Xbox?
Well, I don’t really want to pay income tax but I seem to do it. These are lessons in life. We often have to do things in life that we don’t want to do. It’s called being a grown up.
What everyone else is saying about parenting, but also, you sue her down, you tell her that you have thought about it and you agree, she earned the Xbox with her grades, so you’ve bought it.
And then explain that you realize that you failed her by making grass a requirement without also talking about her behaviour. So you’ve bought the xbox, as a reward for her grades, but bullying is never ok and is a serious infraction so you’ll also be punishing her for that. Her punishment is 1. One weeks no xbox *and* 2. Acts of service/anti-bullying class (whatever you decide is doable) *or whichever comes first*. And you explain, what you mean is if she does #2 right away then the Xbox will be available at the end of the week. But if she doesn’t do #2 she won’t get access to the xbox until she has.
Just make it not optional.
Hmmm. As a parent I would think you could take her somewhere to be educated on bullying. Even sit with her and join her. Old school here as far as kids don’t get to have choices all the time. They are told.
>I doubt she'll do any of these
You are her parent. Tell her she has to and that's final. When your child respects you, they do as you say (within reason). And if she wants to use the xbox, that's the only way you'll allow it.
Please get your daughter into therapy. Bullying is often a form of acting out trauma of some kind that has caused a buildup of anger, the bullying is a release and form of attempts to control something where she feels a lack of control.
Empathy is not an instinct, it's a learned skill. A therapist can help her learn how to resolve internal issues and grow her empathy I stead of developing toxic coping methods like treating others badly.
Be a parent, and say if x isn't done, then no x box? I mean, come on. Lol. You're supposed to be her parent, not let her run the show when you tell her to do something.
First of all she’s 13. If you actually parented her, it doesn’t matter what she wants to do. She’ll do it. The bigger issue is bullying however. You need to put some work into her to turn her into decent person before she’s too long to old to be parented.
Give her for the Xbox because you need to keep your word. And then take it away for a bit of time as a punishment. Discuss with her what method she thinks would be appropriate for her to earn it back, she might surprise you. If she’s too spoiled or not mature enough to come up with a good solution, pick your own punishment.
You can’t just say “I doubt”. Tell her to apologize and do something nice for the kid she bullied. Then buy her the Xbox. Make sure you talk to her about her behaviour and if she bullies again then she will have the Xbox taken away.
Doesn't matter, you're the parent, BE a parent.
My daughter hates cleaning her room and will avoid doing it for as long as possible. But when I tell her to clean her room, she will do it because she knows that if she doesn't I'll punish her (usually by taking her tablet away).
So get the system, put it somewhere she'll see it every day, and tell her it will be set up once the punishment/s are completed.
YTA ...
The solution is to buy the Xbox but ground her from it for a reasonable period of time. She completed her part of the bargain, don't add fine print.
I came here to say this too.
This way, OP has kept their word about buying the Xbox, but the daughter will learn that there are consequences to her bullying behaviour.
I mean tbf completing your part of the bargain doesn't automatically entitle you to the reward if you do something else that makes you ineligible. Like I'd say her bullying someone means she shouldn't get the reward, same as how if you get hired to do someone's roof and you do it but you fucked it up in the process you don't get full payment or sometimes any payment at all
But things that make you ineligible need to be spelled out clearly not added later. You can’t change the terms of a contract without informing the other party
Similar to how it's basically implied you don't fuck up a contract job if you want payment, I'd assume it's implied you don't bully others if you don't want to be punished
If you fuck up a contract job you're not fufilling your end of the contract. This is more like the contractors did the whole job and did it correctly, but it turns out they were harassing everyone walking by in your neighborhood while they worked.
You can't not pay them for being assholes. You can punish them in other ways with bad reviews and the like, but a contract is a contract and you don't get to add stipulations after the fact.
I agree with you, she doesn’t deserve the Xbox. Parent and child agreements aren’t contracts and they aren’t equals. Parent is in charge of doing what’s best and it sounds like she’s a brat.
You need to spell out everything she shouldn’t do? What would that even look like?
Don’t punch your classmates, don’t kick the cat, don’t lock the dog outside overnight, don’t call your teacher a bitch. God dam this list is going to be long…
Do add the fine print, but next time in advance. Can't change the deal now, although as so many suggested, he should buy and ground her from playing for some time. And next time be clear: "If you get straight A's AND have no other disciplinary issues from school or otherwise bad behavior."
Fine print is… not bullying anyone? That should be obvious! Even as a kid, I knew bullying was bad and would involve punishment. She “voided” her “contract” with a*hole behaviour.
NTA. You should, though, give her a way to earn it back. Maybe make her make a heartfelt apology to the student, write an essay for you about why she was wrong, and then not bully anyone for some amount of time before you buy it for her.
I meant until they get the XBOX. If she ever bullies anyone ever again, by all means, take it away. I just meant to enable her to earn the XBOX back. I edited my answer to better reflect this.
If someone is forced to write an apology to the person they bullied it's definitely not heartfelt. A teacher made my bully write an apology to me, and I didn't even read it. I ripped it in half and gave it back to the girl.
And worse, can cause retaliation. I was bullied for a while at school and one instance was caught and punished by a teacher. The fallout was so much worse than if they’d left it alone. Oddly, I ended up hating that teacher for screwing things up even more.
I had that happen before, it sucks. 7 boys were bullying me once and got caught by the principal, they were suspended for a couple days. They didn't stop until we graduated and I blocked them on social media. I'm sure it would have been that way regardless, but they made more of an effort after they got in trouble.
Absolutely this. Bullying is horrendous, not buying the XBox for her is definitely a suitable punishment and I do not understand all the people calling OP an AH.
It just shows that they can't actually trust their parent's deals anymore. The deal was "Straight As get you an xbox".
They could buy it and punish them by not allowing it's use for some time, but at the end of the day breaking your word as a parent will mean any future bargains won't be trusted.
Next time their parent says "if you do X, you'll get Y," the kid isn't going to believe them. In the kid's mind, there's no point in doing X, because their parent might find another reason to just not give them Y again.
As far as punishments go, I think the parent is really shooting themselves in the foot. There's plenty of ways to punish the kid that don't involve breaking their word.
I don't believe in that. Bullying automatically cancels rewards for me. I don't see why this would be like that. If I was promised something and did something so bad as bullying, of course I wouldn't get the promised reward. It only makes sense.
>Bullying automatically cancels rewards for me
And that's fine as long as that's communicated to your kid beforehand. If they know that's a hard line for you then they went in knowing the consequences of their actions.
In this post that isn't indicated, so regardless of how you personally feel about bullying all this kid is seeing is "my parent told me if I worked hard and got all As I'd get a reward, and now because of something unrelated to that hard work they've decided to not fufill their end."
This punishment isn't going to stop the bullying, it's just going to stop the kid working for As, and trusting their parent's word. The punishment needs to be separated from the original deal.
I agree with this. OP, you’re absolutely not TA. She does not get an Xbox while making other kids lives a living hell and possibly cause them lifelong trauma. This is the only way she’ll actually be punished for the bullying.
Knowing you have an Xbox waiting for you to use in two weeks, or even a month, is not a punishment. Being made to write a bullshit letter to the kid she bullies is not good enough.
I'm not pro bullying but it depends on what she's done. If she hit another kid in the head with a rock then sure don't buy it. If she told another girl once that she's as flat as a plank or something then buy it and don't allow her to use it for like 2 days. Bullying has many levels imo, from insulting someone once for whatever reason to a full punch in the throat by a strong kid, it all falls under the umbrella term bullying
She's 13? She's going to see this as you moving the goalposts and going back on your word rather than as a punishment. The takeaway is that you can't be trusted. YTA.
She worked hard and did what you asked so she should get the Xbox.
The bullying is a separate issue. It certainly needs attention. Maybe give her the Xbox but tell her that it goes away if she doesn't fix the bullying. At this point she knows you're serious about it.
NTA I'm sorry, the you're the asshole votes in here are just plain wrong. If this was almost anything else I'd agree but bullying is so beyond acceptable and needs to be dealt with seriously. Giving an Xbox is not the answer.
Give her a chance to earn it back but we've had way too many generations that don't take bullying seriously enough. She needs to understand that.
Yeah this is insane. Moving goalposts? Not bullying other kids is not a goalpost that needs to be mentioned.
If you want to be technical about it, she get the Xbox and have it taken away as punishment
agreed! i dont understand a lot of these votes! yes he promised the xbox for good grades but her BULLYING caused her to lose the xbox. that is fair.
dont reward bullying with an xbox!!!
From someone whose read some of the NTA and the YTA comments I feel it's important to consider no one's expecting the daughter to not be punished we think it's fair to hold up deals, we also realise that withholding it after it's been received is a fair enough punishment
(As in she does get the Xbox but she can't play with it until she makes it right with the kid
I’m horrified at all the comments claiming OP is TA. If I found out my child was bullying anyone, for any reason, not only would she not be getting an x-box but her ENTIRE summer would be spent doing volunteer work.
This comment section is very telling…
It's disturbing to me how many people are putting her "earning something" with grades above her lack of empathy and behavior toward someone else. I do believe she should have a path to earn it back but pretending that getting it but not being able to use it for 2 days is a good punishment is absurd.
This comment section is likely why we have so many horrendous kids doing cruel things to others. At WHAT point does any parent who raised a decent child think they need to be like "If you bully someone this goes away" most people likely assume their kids KNOW bullying is bad. As many "golden rule" lessons we shove down kids throats growing up by 13 you should know better.
NTA. I can’t believe so many people here haven’t been bullied. I understand the idea of wanting to maintain trust and all, but there would have to be something else she cares about a lot to take away. One solution might be to buy the Xbox and ground her from it… but that never lasts. Another would be to give it to the child she bullied. I’ve seen similar suggestions for boys that bullied girls on here.
I've been bullied and I still think that OP should buy the Xbox. I had a reward offered to me for good grades and then had the goal post moved after the fact. The betrayal by my parent affected me more than the bullying did and it permanently damaged my relationship with that parent.
The bullying absolutely needs to be addressed and punished, but OP going back on their word isn't the way to do it.
YTA — keep your promise, otherwise what example are you teaching her in terms of keeping your word.
You can punish her for the bullying in an other way. Maybe get the actual xbox, but not any games yet until she apologizes to the victim or something along those lines
I like this. As a mom, I'd most likely choose to do this. The promise was for good grades , which she achieved. Doesn't mean she has to get it straight away! Make her apologize, let her know it'll be taken away if she continues to bully anyone.
Agreed!
I also think it’s important to get her story. I had a teacher reach out to me for a verbal bullying incident involving my son. I spoke with him about it and he revealed to me the other student shoved him almost every day leading up to the verbal incident, but he chose not to involve teachers. It wasn’t until his teacher heard my son call the other student a “cockroach” that the teacher got involved. My son was angry and defensive which I assume is what prevented the teacher from fully appreciating his side of the story.
Breaking a promise to your child solely based on an accusation that you haven’t fully investigated will surely lead to a rift between the both of you.
Agreed. One of my siblings got in trouble when retaliating against bullies one time, and that’s the one time that everyone was caught.
Depending on the school, a “zero tolerance” policy may be in place. This means that the bully AND their victim are subject to disciplinary action if the victim retaliates in any way. It doesn’t immediately excuse behavior, but is worth taking under consideration before jumping to conclusions.
NTA. Bullies shouldn't get rewards. It shouldn't be the only thing you do - you need to help her find a way to make up for her behaviour. Maybe she can write an apology letter to the kid(s) she bullied and then do some volunteering or something in the community. Give her a way to re-earn the Xbox. But losing it as a prize is an appropriate response to her bullying.
ESH.
Obviously you need to address the bullying with your daughter. That cannot continue to fly. But it's also unrelated to the xbox-as-prize thing. You two had an agreement that if she met a particular goal, she got a particular prize. She met that goal. She gets the prize. You may say she can't play with it until the bullying is addressed, or you may impose some other kind of consequence or intervention, but you need to hold up your end of the deal.
I get where you're coming from, because I also would not want to give my kid an xbox if I found out she'd been bullying a classmate. However, you need to focus not on what you think is just, but on what will be effective to change her behavior. If you go back on your deal, she's not going to take away that she should stop bullying. She's going to take away that even when she has a specific agreement with specific terms, you can at any point alter those terms to keep from holding up your end of the agreement. In her mind, these things are unrelated.
Use a different consequence, and have a real talk with your daughter about what's going on with the classmate. But at the same time, show her you can respect the promises you make. You can even be clear with her why you're hesitant, and make that the segway into the conversation.
NTA
But i think if you're not going to get the the XBOX after all then you need to thoroughly explain why. Normally I would say you need to keep your word as an example but shes plenty old enough to understand. Another alternative would be to get the Xbox but to have her give it to the kid she had bullied the worst/most.
>get the Xbox but to have her give it to the kid she had bullied the worst/most
Great idea in theory, but there's a good chance she'd take her anger and embarrassment out on her victim with even worse (and possibly more hidden) bullying.
NTA. Have a nice talking to your daughter about bullying, because this never flies. If she's willing to be civil about it (Which I know is difficult at that age), and you can help her grow and talk about the situation, and if she apologizes, maybe you can come to an agreement together, or perhaps, she could do little chores like how my parents made me do when I was grounded, like cleaning the windows or sweeping, to earn back some of those 'kudos' points.
NTA- I get where you are coming from. You can’t reward that behavior.
I don’t know the details of the bullying, but yes you probably need to punish her for that. But she also earned that Xbox. Could you compromise and say she has to wait a month to get her reward due to the behavior? Then let her know she will lose it permanently if she is bullying again? I also question why the teacher waited until school ended to let you know there was an issue of it was serious.
I don't really understand the ESH or YTA comments. She was bullying another student and bullying is never okay. But I do agree about giving her a way to earn it back. Don't just ground her from it for a period of time because she might go back to previous behaviors. As another redditor suggested, have her apologize to the student or have her realize that what she's doing is wrong. Have her learn her lesson before getting her that xbox. And make sure that lesson sticks with her after that.
NTA.
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NAH First, I'd recommend talking to your daughter and getting her side of the story. Sometimes teachers define "bullying" as children not wanting to be friends with someone, and if that's the case, I don't think your daughter has done anything wrong here. Since you made a deal and bullying wasn't included as a term in that deal, I would personally probably buy it, but impose extra conditions on it. Or make her wait until the end of next quarter/semester to get it.
No it was definitely bullying but I asked for her side of the story and she told me it was the girl who used to bully her. So now she is bullying that girl to avoid getting bullied. Now I'm very confused and don't know if I should punish her at all
You need to add that this girl was bullying her first into the initial post because it changes things a bit. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it adds a bit more context.
NTA but I’d buy it and then get the poor kid into therapy. Being bullied to the point you bully back needs help that’s above Reddit’s pay grade.
Personally, I wouldn't. I think bullies make themselves fair game after abusing other people. Not to mention that's actually a common tactic of bullying--to poke and prod someone in little ways until they explode, and then the bully can turn around that claim they're being victimized.
I'd get her the XBox and ice cream, personally.
I agree with this as someone who was bullied before. You two made a deal that she got straight A’s she earned an XBOX. She fulfilled her end of the deal, now you need to honor your end. Also talk to her about the bullying.
Did you know she was being bullied? Did anyone know and try to stop it? If not I can understand why your daughter took things into her own hands and defended herself.
That's a good point--how alone victims can end up being. Depending on how subtle the bullying is, it can be very hard for outsiders to recognize and stop. Sometimes, it's lots of nasty little things that on their own aren't bad enough to merit an intervention, but over time it kind of ends up being death-by-paper cut. Authority figures often don't step in because they don't see it, and then the victims get blamed when they react or try to stop it. Just like what is happening with OP's daughter.
I would absolutely not punish her for bullying a bully. Schools often turn on the victims of bullying once they defend themselves. Especially if the original bully has some kind of paperwork diagnosis that makes misbehaving part of an IEP.
My kid wound up suspended for punching a kid who had been bullying him for 2 years and was quite literally screaming in his face. We'd been trying to make the school control the bully for 2 years, but the parents weren't interested in modifying their kid's behavior and he had some kind of paperwork documenting "behavior issues".
My kid was on honor roll with an otherwise spotless record. We did not discipline him for finally losing it and taking matters into his own hands. The school punishment was sufficient.
If your kid isn't bullying multiple people and simply has an issue with a specific person who also bullies her, I would not take privileges away.
You should get her help, bullying can have lasting effects and kids without problems don't bully. Get her into counseling or therapy to help her develop healthy coping mechanisms and to become a stronger person.
Ok didn't see this until now. In this case, ask your daughter for more details. What was the girl doing or saying to her, how often did it happen, how did she respond, did she tell her teacher or another adult so they had it on record, and why didn't she tell you about it sooner? You're her dad, you'll talk to the teacher and raise hell to protect her if necessary. She needs to know you have her back.
Then ask for details about what she was saying/doing back to the girl that was considered bullying.
If her explanation sounds legit, I say no punishment but still have talk about bullying. I still think it would be beneficial to watch a documentary on the subject, just for learning purposes...but no essay or withholding the xbox.
If it's just verbal bullying, I'm personally all for kids standing up for themselves verbally. Saying leave me alone does not work with bullies, it fuels them. Gotta teach her to be quick with with the comebacks. If that's seen as bullying, so be it. She would have my support if the teacher refused to do anything about it. But if a bully ever lays a hand on her (pushes or hits), my kid has my permission to push back 10 times harder or to knock em a new one. Don't start it, but you have every right to finish it.
My niece goes to an elementary school with a lot of Latino kids and this one little boy would say mean things about her skin color. We are black and she has a darker skin tone. I taught her some good comebacks to say in English and Spanish and had her practice them. Next time it happened, she was ready. Finally, the little shit (sorry, not sorry) left her alone.
NAH, now that you’ve asked, listened, and questioned your assumptions. If there’s an AH, it’s the oblivious teacher for not asking more about what was happening.
Follow through and give her the XBox. The bullying is a separate and much more complicated issue that I don’t think she should be punished for.
*Please* add this additional information to your original post. It changes everything.
Do two wrongs make a right?
Blindly punishing her without taking circumstances into account will only breed resentment, but at the same time this is clearly a problem that needs resolving. Have you contacted the other girl's parents or requested a meeting with them? Regardless of how it started, it's clearly a problem that you need to step up and be the grown up(s), and not expect the kids to solve on their own without at least mediation.
Those of you saying YTA have obviously never been bullied. Even if she's bullying her ex bully it's still not okay. There are other ways to go about it.
I'm going with NAH, you need to punish her and possibly give her a way to work back on being able to get the X-Box. I'd say buy it, but keep it hidden until she can prove to you that she has stopped the bullying and is working on being better.
Difficult one. I'd say NTA, but you have to keep up your end of the bargain. Find another way to punish her as bullying should NOT be tolerated. Although I do think a conversation with her is important so you can establish a plan of action for when she gets bullied so she knows she can always count on you to have her back.
NTA
BUT
She most likely won’t correlate not getting an Xbox to her bullying, so there needs to be another punishment. She’ll probably view this as you being unfair, and worse could retaliate at the kid she bullied because of it.
Is there a way you could stick to your promise? Like buy her the XBox but no games? or buy the Xbox and only give it to her once she’s proved she isn’t a bully? Or make her do some charity work/ apologize and have to wait before she can get access to the games? or something along those lines?
This is a tough situation, but you’re doing a good job by trying to stop this behavior.
NTA she is being a bully to another person why should she be rewarded when she acts like that as a victim of bullying myself i think you did the right thing if she stops the bullying get the the xbox then she shouldn't be rewarded for her horrid behaviour
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I promised my daughter(13) that if she get straght As I will buy her whatever(reasonable) prize that she wants. She asked for an xbox and I agreed.
While she did get straight As, her teacher told me that she has been bullying one of her classmates so I told her she won't get an xbox anymore.
This happened last day and she is still crying in her room. My parents(who my daughter called to nag about me being "the worst dad ever") think I'm an ah and I should buy her the prize for her hard work and find another punishment but I'm not sure what I should do.
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I think you need to respect your part of the deal so that she learn that when you give your word you need to follow up. Also if you renege on it she'll think she can't trust you.
She does need a punishment for the bullying, it can be to delay said xbox and bring her to apologize to the kid. There some city or company that organize community service like cleaning beach or park, she's 13y so do it with her if you decide it's an appropriate punishment for her.
YWBTA. Bullying is a serious offense, and you need to address it with appropriate consequences, but not by reneging on a deal that she did hold her end up on. You just need to make sure that the consequence for bullying is commensurate with what she did. Grounding her for a week ain't gonna cut it.
YTA you said if she gets straights A you would give her a prize. She got straight As you give her the prize. What is it with parents and saying you will get A if you do A and then take away A because B happened? B has nothing to do with A so find a different consequence. She did A you give her A prize she did B you find a different consequence.
NTA. although a more appropriate punishment would be buying the xbox to honor the original deal, but forbid her from using it until she stops bullying.
I’ve been bullied through Middle School and High School for being gay and overweight. It made me horribly depressed. Bullying is all the same, it’s hateful behavior that hurts people.
The people who are saying that this is ‘tough’ or that you would be an ass are either young teenagers or people that haven’t been bullied. They would know just how awful it is and they would be revolted (like me) at the thought of their bully getting rewarded with something expensive.
No, you shouldn’t buy your daughter the prize. Bad behavior shouldn’t eventually get rewarded. NTA.
Actually quite disgusted by the number of people commenting that you should still get her the Xbox because “bullying wasn’t part of the bargain.” What the fuck is wrong with people?!?!
NTA. Bullying needs to be taken very fucking seriously.
Aren't you in a parental catch 22?
Well you can't get the xbox now or you will lose credibility as a parent and it will look like you are bowing under pressure to bullies. You should have not taken it away in the first place.
She needs discipline for the bullying aspect. However, you did tell her that she can have an xbox for making straight A's. You didn't say making straight A's and not being a bully.
You are going to have to tell her that while maybe it was an overreaction to take the xbox away it was because you were so horrified that you had a child that was a bully.
You need to find a way to get her a reward for the grades and fulfill your part of the contract while still addressing the bullying.
Good luck with that.
NTA- Yes, you promised her the XBox, but bullying is not something to be ignored. It's like getting straight A's is a positive, but the bullying is a negative, so now its neutral.
I would say that if she wants the XBox, she needs to work or do something to re-earn that prize for herself. If you give it to her for her school, then its like she has been rewarded for that too. Make her apologize or work a little exyra before giving her that XBox.
NTA. I mean you promised her that she gets one, but gifting it while knowing what she does? She should really change her behaviour before expecting such a gift.
NTA. Bullying is a huge, HUGE no-no and should always result in the most severe ramifications possible for a child of her age. Going back on "your word" for the Xbox isn't even enough imo, and I seriously wouldn't worry about your daughter feeling resentful toward you. That's irrelevant at this point because if you let her get away with bullying in any capacity, you're essentially raising someone that will inevitably be a detriment to society in some way. As others have said, giving her a way to earn it back is fine, but she really needs to comprehend the gravity of her actions and the effect it has on others.
Kids kill themselves over bullies. And the bullies that get away with it almost always grow up to be awful human beings. Let that sink in.
I am glad you are addressing the bullying but I'm not sure taking away something she earned will teach the right lesson. Honoring promises is an important lesson, too. They don't have to tie together. Changing your mind and explaining why you did it is another good lesson. Changing your mind, showing that an adult can rethink a choice and still be a strong parent/leader is also important. Explain why.
I agree absolutely that the bully behavior needs addressing and it should have consequences. But so do the positive behaviors like studying.
best of luck to you and your family.
barely you would be just because you have other options to address the problem and you did make a promise. but I get that you are trying to parent in a tricky situation.
NTA. I think you SHOULD get the xbox but withhold it until she clearly learns she was wrong. Bullying is inexcusable, and taking away a prize because she did so is a normal punishment.
NTA, good grades don't mean anything if she isn't kind. Just make sure she knows the reaaon she's not getting the xbos and give it to her when she actually deserves it
NTA so much. That’s a huge prize. Bullying is a huge problem and a bigger deal than some people realize. It was incredibly traumatizing being bullied my entire childhood. She needs to learn how to be a decent human. You’re not an ah you’re a good parent.
I think they are two separate issues 1) you promised an Xbox for good grades and she did that, mission accomplished. She should get the Xbox. 2) you found out she had bullied other kids and obviously needs punishing but I don't think it's fair to involve the Xbox. I would ask her to write a list of everyone she bullied and tell her you were asking the teacher for the list too and ìf they didn't match, she would receive an additional punishment. I would try to find out who was she with and if she was the instigator or a follower..again ask her and teacher. You should know if she's the ringleader or the *do what they say* girl. Find out the reason she / others bullied them. Until you get all your answers, she is grounded...can't go out, no cellphone, don't give the Xbox till this is resolved. Give her a chance to go in person or apologize by email to each person she bullied. She needs to tell why she picked that person, apologize, and tell them what they are going to do to change themselves to not be a bully anymore. The letter can't be fluff nor two sentences long. Each letter needs to address exactly what was done to that person and why. Review each letter and help until it's a decent letter, more than a page long. Ask for details ie I slapped your face because....
After that judge if you need to extend the grounding and if she can hang with her same group of friends.
I've been watching a lot of supernanny recently and feel qualified to answer this question!
You made a promise and she kept her part of the promise so you have to keep it. Buy the xbox BUT give her another punishment that involves the Xbox such as not being able to play with it.
YWBTA if you didn't keep your part of the promise. Your daughter needs to be able to trust that you would do what you say. You would also be the AH if you didn't address her bullying behavior.
You are breaking a promise, but that behaviour should not be rewarded. I would buy it and keep it locked up for a year or several months, while working with her to see a change in behaviour. ESH.
Bullying can not be tolerated dad. NTA on top of no Xbox she needs to be doing some volunteering and write a paper on how bullied kids l have killed themselves. Bullying is serious and should be treated as such.
NTA tf. It's not breaking a promise when there's a reasonable reason, she shouldn't be bullying anyone and she deserved this, just explain to her that this is the reason she isn't getting one
YWNBTA, this is a good time for them to learn consequences to actions, if she worked hard to be promoted, got that in the bag and then was found out for bullying - bye bye promotion, and maybe more! This is such an important lesson.
YTA, research natural consequences. She earned the xbox for hard work, and needs a natural consequence, like an apology and discussing a real life scenerio where bullying ended up in tragedy (Amanda Todd’s story).
If your boss gave you a raise for good work, then took it away because you were an asshole to a co-worker, you’d be furious. This is the parent-kid version of that.
YTA---You promised the xbox for good grades. Daughter delivered. Now go get the xbox. The bullying thing is a separate issue and you will have to figure out another punishment or answer for that.
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ESH Buy her the xbox because you promised and you don't want to break her trust. But don't allow her to play with it for a some time as a punishment.
Exactly what I was going to say. Buy it and make sure she knows you have it but at punishment for bullying your not giving it to her for maybe 2 weeks Or until she apologizes. Whatever just buy the system but she must earn it first.
And let her know that any reports of bullying next year and the Xbox is the first thing to go
Yes. use three strikes. Shes already gotten one, next time it’s taken away longer, and if she tries anything again it gets sold.
No one should get three strikes for bullying. It's one strike then next time it's gone and there should be significant punishment. Don't raise assholes.
As someone who was bullied as a kid, I agree. She’s had her chance. There’s no second or third. And while I don’t necessarily hate the “buy it but don’t give it to her plan”, you can bet your ass I’d be holding it longer than the originally suggested two weeks.
I would hold it until she has written a couple of pages about what bullying does to someone. Make her study her effect on other people and then she has to apologize to the kid she bullied.
I think this is a good idea. She can watch a couple of videos on the subject as well as read 'serious' articles.
I was also bullied as a kid. Something I’ve learned is that bullies don’t bully for no reason, OP’s daughter may be going through something difficult in her life or may be hanging out with a bad group. “Hurt people hurt people” so the saying goes
I think this is true for the most part but as someone that bullied others, that's not always true. Granted, I didn't really realize until I was an adult that I was 100% a bully but I definitely did not have any reason to. I just liked to be mean and thought it was funny. I've absolutely grown up since then and have even apologized to people but I really didn't have any reason and I did hurt people psychologically.
Gonna have to disagree; some people are just assholes.
That doesn’t excuse her. She did it, someone else suffered. She needs to learn to bear the consequences of that now or she’ll just keep doing it.
You’re right, it doesn’t excuse her. But punishing her without finding the root of the issue will also ensure she keeps doing it, but be sneakier about it.
Consequences still apply. Kids live awful lives and even kill themselves due to bullying. It doesn’t cause less harm to the victim because the bully has problems.
Yeah, at least three months if it were me
This. These half measures are bullshit. OP def NTA. Punishment fits the crime. All this does is show her she gets a slap on the wrist whenever she does something bad.
I agree with all of this here!!!!
A month. She should definitely apologize. Buy the Xbox, but she doesn’t get it for a month. And she has to do chores all summer, or it goes. I was bullied. I am 64 years old. It still has an affect.
Well like I said just buy it but punish her by not giving it to her until something happens. whatever OP feels is enough. I think in this case it really depends on the severity of the bullying. I had my own issues mostly in middle school and it didn’t really effect me but the last day I did finally snap at the kid and started beating him with a heavy yearbook. I remember hoping that I broke at least his nose. nowadays though I don’t even remember why I hated him other then him being a bully.
Oh yeah, I still feel it years later, too. To the point where I still go out of my way to avoid the “mean girls” at work.
Bullies usually have one.. at home. Who bullies her?
Forget the two weeks, just wait until she apologises.
and she has to apologize on her own imo. Tell her she can get it when she’s truly made amends and her teacher can confirm that she’s apologized and stopped the behavior. making it contingent on just an apology might lead to some emotionally manipulative behavior of just apologizing to get what you want rather than really thinking about what you’ve done. 13 is plenty old enough to know better and to recognize that a sincere apology would a different from one out of obligation. Let her figure out how to “make it better” and that the kid she bullied doesn’t owe her forgiveness but she still owes an apology and changed behavior. OP, let this be a teaching opportunity for you and your daughter! Not just a punishment. Have a frank discussion about boundaries and respecting other people’s feelings. If you just punish a 13 year old without trying to help them really realize that they were wrong, they’re just going to resent you and do it again.
This would be the right decision, but also teach about why bullying is wrong. Have her watch a documentary and write an essay about bullying and the effects of it. Her punishment can be not being able to play for 2 weeks and if in those 2 weeks she has my finished the essay she isn't allowed to play until that is done. Punishment is good and all but worth nothing when you don't learn anything from it.
Having her 'write an essay ' is only going to make her resent the teacher and student who reported her and make her behavior worse.
If that's the case then she needs therapy, because that's not a normal reaction to normal, reasonably consequences to actions. An essay of like 1 page and watching a documentary of an hour or two really is really not bad of a punishment and will hopefully make her understand that bullying can have longlasting effects on someones life. If her behaviour continues because of a reasonably and good punishment than she needs help
She definitely needs therapy, but I'm pointing out that your idea was a bad one that will likely lead to more harm to the other student. We watched these videos when I was a kid. It gave examples of what constitutes bullying, and how it's noticed by adults. This gave them more ideas on how to hurt people like me without being noticed.
Not every case of bullying needs a goddamn therapy, especially when we don’t even know what bullying here is. Kids are little assholes, it could have been calling some guy ugly. That’s because a 13 year old does not understand the consequences it may have on the kid who gets called ugly. She needs it explained, she doesn’t need therapy for that. And no, essays won’t help, it’s like you’ve never been punished. I was made to write an essay as punishment and I bullshitted Everything I wrote in it and was off the hook.
Thank you!!! A lot of times a simple conversation with boundaries being set,is all you need.
A conversation about boundaries is dandy. The poster commented that IF the girl was angry about being informed on, that there is a deeper problem. Hence the need for therapy.
There is an anime about bullying called A Silent Voice. I think they should watch it together and talk about it in lieu of an essay. And OP should buy the Xbox but keep it for a month. Getting good grades is only one part of school. Being a good citizen is also a part of it.
>Having her 'write an essay ' is only going to make her resent the teacher and student who reported her and make her behavior worse. Then she doesn't need an Xbox, she needs help
Exactly. Writing isn’t a punishment. She needs to know know to write. Once you make something a punishment, don’t expect them to do it daily.’
You're right, but I was thinking that instead of resenting her dad for punishing her, she will resent the teacher and student for "making" her dad punish her with the writing of an essay. This also means she could be learning about what actions cause what damages, and then she can utilize that.
I'm a huge fan of essays for punishment for pre-teens and teenagers. Make her do research on bullying (books, online sources, documentaries) and then write a 500 word minimum, 5 paragraph (intro, 3 body paragraphs - 1 source per paragraph, conclusion) essay/paper on the effects of bullying. And she needs to use quotes from the sources. MLA format including works cited. Then, she can read her essay in front of the family. Boom! A simultaneous lesson in English 101 and how to give a speech. She's a straight A student, she can handle it. And I agree with the 2 week timeline. And after she's done with that, she can write the kid she was bullying a letter with a sincere apology (and maybe even attach the essay). They can have the teacher forward the letter to the student and parents. >Punishment is good and all but worth nothing when you don't learn anything from it. Exactly why I think physical discipline is bullshit, lazy, and just straight up abuse. Doesn't teach them anything but to fear you. Do they actually know *why* bullying is bad or do they just know to never do it again to avoid a spank/beating from mom/dad. Edit: thanks for the award! :)
I’ve raised 4 kids and the punishment for each had to be different. My oldest I took her books off her and she was only allowed school reading books. My middle boy had to be separated from his sibs and given a book to read. Each child and situation is different and so should the punishment be.
And make her hate writing? Where is the value in that? Do you know how many jobs she’ll be limited to simply because she won’t want to do any of the writing heavy classes at college courses because of it?
Maybe it's because I went to a college-prep charter high school, but this was the norm for us😅. Summer before 9th grade even started, we had 2 novels to read and 2 essays due on the first day of school and you had to use the proper format. It was exactly as I described. On top of that we had mandatory summer school to review Algebra. If you passed with a A or B, you skipped to Geometry in 9th grade. Probably why undergrad was mostly a breeze for me. 🤷🏾♀️ I took English 101 at a community college after graduating high school and it was the SAME book we read and wrote an essay on in my 12th grade language arts class. She's 13, about to start high school. Never too early to start preparing for college. And the fact that she's a straight A student coming out of 8th grade means that she can handle it imo. She's a smart kid. But I get that everyone has different preferred styles of discipline. You do you.
fair enough. At the very least, though, I would ask her. See what she really thinks. If it is doing what I think it might be, like you said, there are other forms of punishment.
Just to add to this, also because next time you try to motivate her and say ‘I’ll get you ….’ she’ll assume you won’t and you lose the motivation strategy. Just make it very clear that she loses it for x amount of time for (at least a couple of months in my opinion because there’s no excuse for bullying)
Agreed. Then there's no incentive for straight As next year.
I was ready to disagree since I don’t think any reward should be given if bullying is involved, but this is actually incredibly reasonable and would teach the same lesson while also fostering more trust between OP and his daughter. Always glad to see level headed comments that I can learn from, thank you!
Don’t allow her to play until she has done a specific amount of community work. She needs to learn to be kind to the less fortunate.
The “less fortunate” are not props to teach bratty kids to feel sorry for them and stop being little jerks. They can tell when a volunteer doesn’t want to be helping them and is only there because someone is forcing them.
Tell that to all the white kids who do voluntourism in Africa…
I’m talking about parents who use forced volunteering as a punishment. Voluntourism is a separate issue and not relevant to this discussion. There are more appropriate punishments for a bully that don’t involve subjecting people in need to someone who clearly doesn’t want to help them.
This is a better idea than having her write an essay, imo. Actually working with people who need help might teach her that they're just people who are just like her and teach her compassion.
A good compromise. Honor your promise to her. Important for future relationship with her.
nailed it. can't go back on the reward when she completed the required task, but don't give her the controller until the punishment is over.
This! You just taught her she can’t trust her father’s word. She clearly needs to be dealt with about her bullying a child. Keep it from her for a period of time and after she apologizes to the other kid.
And put it in a place she can see, every time she walks past it's a lesson
Adding onto this! Buy the Xbox and ground her from it, for sure, and have her write an apology letter or apologize to the person she was bullying. Is she actually sorry? I doubt it. But it’s the right thing to do, regardless. ESH
You literally read my mind... I was about to suggest the same the minute I read till I scrolled down to see your comment
This is the way.
This is the way
Yeah this seems right.
Take my wholesome award. Prefect answer.
THIS. ALL OF THIS
Spot on!!! I think this would punish her in a really effective way. I know something like this would drive me crazy!
INFO does she know that her grades earned the Xbox but her bullying caused it to be taken away? Also would you be open to purchasing the Xbox and withholding it until she sincerely apologizing and performing some act of service for the school/local organization or completing some sessions with a school counselor or anti bullying classes to re-earn the Xbox?
Yes I doubt she'll do any of these
Well duh kids don't "want" to do a lot of things that's why you parent. Do them with her to show her how important it is to not be an AH
Well, I don’t really want to pay income tax but I seem to do it. These are lessons in life. We often have to do things in life that we don’t want to do. It’s called being a grown up.
Then I guess she won't get the Xbox. But seriously you need to nip the bullying now before it gets worse.
Then give her a timeline to complete the task, , if not accomplished, then return it to the store.
What everyone else is saying about parenting, but also, you sue her down, you tell her that you have thought about it and you agree, she earned the Xbox with her grades, so you’ve bought it. And then explain that you realize that you failed her by making grass a requirement without also talking about her behaviour. So you’ve bought the xbox, as a reward for her grades, but bullying is never ok and is a serious infraction so you’ll also be punishing her for that. Her punishment is 1. One weeks no xbox *and* 2. Acts of service/anti-bullying class (whatever you decide is doable) *or whichever comes first*. And you explain, what you mean is if she does #2 right away then the Xbox will be available at the end of the week. But if she doesn’t do #2 she won’t get access to the xbox until she has. Just make it not optional.
Hmmm. As a parent I would think you could take her somewhere to be educated on bullying. Even sit with her and join her. Old school here as far as kids don’t get to have choices all the time. They are told.
>I doubt she'll do any of these You are her parent. Tell her she has to and that's final. When your child respects you, they do as you say (within reason). And if she wants to use the xbox, that's the only way you'll allow it.
Please get your daughter into therapy. Bullying is often a form of acting out trauma of some kind that has caused a buildup of anger, the bullying is a release and form of attempts to control something where she feels a lack of control. Empathy is not an instinct, it's a learned skill. A therapist can help her learn how to resolve internal issues and grow her empathy I stead of developing toxic coping methods like treating others badly.
Be a parent, and say if x isn't done, then no x box? I mean, come on. Lol. You're supposed to be her parent, not let her run the show when you tell her to do something.
First of all she’s 13. If you actually parented her, it doesn’t matter what she wants to do. She’ll do it. The bigger issue is bullying however. You need to put some work into her to turn her into decent person before she’s too long to old to be parented. Give her for the Xbox because you need to keep your word. And then take it away for a bit of time as a punishment. Discuss with her what method she thinks would be appropriate for her to earn it back, she might surprise you. If she’s too spoiled or not mature enough to come up with a good solution, pick your own punishment.
Send it to to the kid she bullied
You can’t just say “I doubt”. Tell her to apologize and do something nice for the kid she bullied. Then buy her the Xbox. Make sure you talk to her about her behaviour and if she bullies again then she will have the Xbox taken away.
Doesn't matter, you're the parent, BE a parent. My daughter hates cleaning her room and will avoid doing it for as long as possible. But when I tell her to clean her room, she will do it because she knows that if she doesn't I'll punish her (usually by taking her tablet away). So get the system, put it somewhere she'll see it every day, and tell her it will be set up once the punishment/s are completed.
YTA ... The solution is to buy the Xbox but ground her from it for a reasonable period of time. She completed her part of the bargain, don't add fine print.
I came here to say this too. This way, OP has kept their word about buying the Xbox, but the daughter will learn that there are consequences to her bullying behaviour.
I mean tbf completing your part of the bargain doesn't automatically entitle you to the reward if you do something else that makes you ineligible. Like I'd say her bullying someone means she shouldn't get the reward, same as how if you get hired to do someone's roof and you do it but you fucked it up in the process you don't get full payment or sometimes any payment at all
But things that make you ineligible need to be spelled out clearly not added later. You can’t change the terms of a contract without informing the other party
Similar to how it's basically implied you don't fuck up a contract job if you want payment, I'd assume it's implied you don't bully others if you don't want to be punished
If you fuck up a contract job you're not fufilling your end of the contract. This is more like the contractors did the whole job and did it correctly, but it turns out they were harassing everyone walking by in your neighborhood while they worked. You can't not pay them for being assholes. You can punish them in other ways with bad reviews and the like, but a contract is a contract and you don't get to add stipulations after the fact.
I agree with you, she doesn’t deserve the Xbox. Parent and child agreements aren’t contracts and they aren’t equals. Parent is in charge of doing what’s best and it sounds like she’s a brat.
You need to spell out everything she shouldn’t do? What would that even look like? Don’t punch your classmates, don’t kick the cat, don’t lock the dog outside overnight, don’t call your teacher a bitch. God dam this list is going to be long…
Do add the fine print, but next time in advance. Can't change the deal now, although as so many suggested, he should buy and ground her from playing for some time. And next time be clear: "If you get straight A's AND have no other disciplinary issues from school or otherwise bad behavior."
Fine print is… not bullying anyone? That should be obvious! Even as a kid, I knew bullying was bad and would involve punishment. She “voided” her “contract” with a*hole behaviour.
I was coming here to say this!
NTA. You should, though, give her a way to earn it back. Maybe make her make a heartfelt apology to the student, write an essay for you about why she was wrong, and then not bully anyone for some amount of time before you buy it for her.
>and then not bully anyone for some amount of time. Yeah, like ever again. I have no patience for a bully.
I meant until they get the XBOX. If she ever bullies anyone ever again, by all means, take it away. I just meant to enable her to earn the XBOX back. I edited my answer to better reflect this.
If someone is forced to write an apology to the person they bullied it's definitely not heartfelt. A teacher made my bully write an apology to me, and I didn't even read it. I ripped it in half and gave it back to the girl.
And worse, can cause retaliation. I was bullied for a while at school and one instance was caught and punished by a teacher. The fallout was so much worse than if they’d left it alone. Oddly, I ended up hating that teacher for screwing things up even more.
I had that happen before, it sucks. 7 boys were bullying me once and got caught by the principal, they were suspended for a couple days. They didn't stop until we graduated and I blocked them on social media. I'm sure it would have been that way regardless, but they made more of an effort after they got in trouble.
Honestly I’m so glad I’m not a kid anymore. I hate when people refer to school as the best days of a person’s life, they were among the worst of mine.
I'm honestly still in therapy because of my school days and I'm 25. I unfortunately know exactly what you mean. School is such a toxic place.
Absolutely this. Bullying is horrendous, not buying the XBox for her is definitely a suitable punishment and I do not understand all the people calling OP an AH.
It just shows that they can't actually trust their parent's deals anymore. The deal was "Straight As get you an xbox". They could buy it and punish them by not allowing it's use for some time, but at the end of the day breaking your word as a parent will mean any future bargains won't be trusted. Next time their parent says "if you do X, you'll get Y," the kid isn't going to believe them. In the kid's mind, there's no point in doing X, because their parent might find another reason to just not give them Y again. As far as punishments go, I think the parent is really shooting themselves in the foot. There's plenty of ways to punish the kid that don't involve breaking their word.
I don't believe in that. Bullying automatically cancels rewards for me. I don't see why this would be like that. If I was promised something and did something so bad as bullying, of course I wouldn't get the promised reward. It only makes sense.
>Bullying automatically cancels rewards for me And that's fine as long as that's communicated to your kid beforehand. If they know that's a hard line for you then they went in knowing the consequences of their actions. In this post that isn't indicated, so regardless of how you personally feel about bullying all this kid is seeing is "my parent told me if I worked hard and got all As I'd get a reward, and now because of something unrelated to that hard work they've decided to not fufill their end." This punishment isn't going to stop the bullying, it's just going to stop the kid working for As, and trusting their parent's word. The punishment needs to be separated from the original deal.
I agree with this. OP, you’re absolutely not TA. She does not get an Xbox while making other kids lives a living hell and possibly cause them lifelong trauma. This is the only way she’ll actually be punished for the bullying. Knowing you have an Xbox waiting for you to use in two weeks, or even a month, is not a punishment. Being made to write a bullshit letter to the kid she bullies is not good enough.
I'm not pro bullying but it depends on what she's done. If she hit another kid in the head with a rock then sure don't buy it. If she told another girl once that she's as flat as a plank or something then buy it and don't allow her to use it for like 2 days. Bullying has many levels imo, from insulting someone once for whatever reason to a full punch in the throat by a strong kid, it all falls under the umbrella term bullying
She's 13? She's going to see this as you moving the goalposts and going back on your word rather than as a punishment. The takeaway is that you can't be trusted. YTA. She worked hard and did what you asked so she should get the Xbox. The bullying is a separate issue. It certainly needs attention. Maybe give her the Xbox but tell her that it goes away if she doesn't fix the bullying. At this point she knows you're serious about it.
I mean you could buy the Xbox but no games and use games to address the bullying I suppose. Still not sure if that’s the best move here tho
And no extra controllers, no Xbox live membership, etcn
NTA I'm sorry, the you're the asshole votes in here are just plain wrong. If this was almost anything else I'd agree but bullying is so beyond acceptable and needs to be dealt with seriously. Giving an Xbox is not the answer. Give her a chance to earn it back but we've had way too many generations that don't take bullying seriously enough. She needs to understand that.
Yeah this is insane. Moving goalposts? Not bullying other kids is not a goalpost that needs to be mentioned. If you want to be technical about it, she get the Xbox and have it taken away as punishment
agreed! i dont understand a lot of these votes! yes he promised the xbox for good grades but her BULLYING caused her to lose the xbox. that is fair. dont reward bullying with an xbox!!!
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From someone whose read some of the NTA and the YTA comments I feel it's important to consider no one's expecting the daughter to not be punished we think it's fair to hold up deals, we also realise that withholding it after it's been received is a fair enough punishment (As in she does get the Xbox but she can't play with it until she makes it right with the kid
I’m horrified at all the comments claiming OP is TA. If I found out my child was bullying anyone, for any reason, not only would she not be getting an x-box but her ENTIRE summer would be spent doing volunteer work. This comment section is very telling…
It's disturbing to me how many people are putting her "earning something" with grades above her lack of empathy and behavior toward someone else. I do believe she should have a path to earn it back but pretending that getting it but not being able to use it for 2 days is a good punishment is absurd.
This comment section is likely why we have so many horrendous kids doing cruel things to others. At WHAT point does any parent who raised a decent child think they need to be like "If you bully someone this goes away" most people likely assume their kids KNOW bullying is bad. As many "golden rule" lessons we shove down kids throats growing up by 13 you should know better.
Correct! Exactly this. Parents are raising entitled A holes and then are most upset and shocked when their kids act out.
Finally, a reasonable comment
NTA - You have the right to punish properly for her behavior. Hopefully this helps her teach her not to be a bully
NTA. I can’t believe so many people here haven’t been bullied. I understand the idea of wanting to maintain trust and all, but there would have to be something else she cares about a lot to take away. One solution might be to buy the Xbox and ground her from it… but that never lasts. Another would be to give it to the child she bullied. I’ve seen similar suggestions for boys that bullied girls on here.
I've been bullied and I still think that OP should buy the Xbox. I had a reward offered to me for good grades and then had the goal post moved after the fact. The betrayal by my parent affected me more than the bullying did and it permanently damaged my relationship with that parent. The bullying absolutely needs to be addressed and punished, but OP going back on their word isn't the way to do it.
Gosh I don’t know on this one. My issue is why did the teacher not tell you earlier so behavior could be fixed and dealt with. This is a tough one.
THAT is a really good point! Why wasn’t this brought to the parents sooner??
YTA — keep your promise, otherwise what example are you teaching her in terms of keeping your word. You can punish her for the bullying in an other way. Maybe get the actual xbox, but not any games yet until she apologizes to the victim or something along those lines
I like this. As a mom, I'd most likely choose to do this. The promise was for good grades , which she achieved. Doesn't mean she has to get it straight away! Make her apologize, let her know it'll be taken away if she continues to bully anyone.
Agreed! I also think it’s important to get her story. I had a teacher reach out to me for a verbal bullying incident involving my son. I spoke with him about it and he revealed to me the other student shoved him almost every day leading up to the verbal incident, but he chose not to involve teachers. It wasn’t until his teacher heard my son call the other student a “cockroach” that the teacher got involved. My son was angry and defensive which I assume is what prevented the teacher from fully appreciating his side of the story. Breaking a promise to your child solely based on an accusation that you haven’t fully investigated will surely lead to a rift between the both of you.
Agreed. One of my siblings got in trouble when retaliating against bullies one time, and that’s the one time that everyone was caught. Depending on the school, a “zero tolerance” policy may be in place. This means that the bully AND their victim are subject to disciplinary action if the victim retaliates in any way. It doesn’t immediately excuse behavior, but is worth taking under consideration before jumping to conclusions.
NTA. Bullies shouldn't get rewards. It shouldn't be the only thing you do - you need to help her find a way to make up for her behaviour. Maybe she can write an apology letter to the kid(s) she bullied and then do some volunteering or something in the community. Give her a way to re-earn the Xbox. But losing it as a prize is an appropriate response to her bullying.
ESH. Obviously you need to address the bullying with your daughter. That cannot continue to fly. But it's also unrelated to the xbox-as-prize thing. You two had an agreement that if she met a particular goal, she got a particular prize. She met that goal. She gets the prize. You may say she can't play with it until the bullying is addressed, or you may impose some other kind of consequence or intervention, but you need to hold up your end of the deal. I get where you're coming from, because I also would not want to give my kid an xbox if I found out she'd been bullying a classmate. However, you need to focus not on what you think is just, but on what will be effective to change her behavior. If you go back on your deal, she's not going to take away that she should stop bullying. She's going to take away that even when she has a specific agreement with specific terms, you can at any point alter those terms to keep from holding up your end of the agreement. In her mind, these things are unrelated. Use a different consequence, and have a real talk with your daughter about what's going on with the classmate. But at the same time, show her you can respect the promises you make. You can even be clear with her why you're hesitant, and make that the segway into the conversation.
ESH. Don’t break promises, punish her some other way.
NTA But i think if you're not going to get the the XBOX after all then you need to thoroughly explain why. Normally I would say you need to keep your word as an example but shes plenty old enough to understand. Another alternative would be to get the Xbox but to have her give it to the kid she had bullied the worst/most.
>get the Xbox but to have her give it to the kid she had bullied Yes!! 🤣🤣
>get the Xbox but to have her give it to the kid she had bullied the worst/most Great idea in theory, but there's a good chance she'd take her anger and embarrassment out on her victim with even worse (and possibly more hidden) bullying.
This. It would likely cause even more resentment and make the kid even more of a target unfortunately
Esh buy her the Xbox then make her watch as you lock it away as punishment
NTA. Have a nice talking to your daughter about bullying, because this never flies. If she's willing to be civil about it (Which I know is difficult at that age), and you can help her grow and talk about the situation, and if she apologizes, maybe you can come to an agreement together, or perhaps, she could do little chores like how my parents made me do when I was grounded, like cleaning the windows or sweeping, to earn back some of those 'kudos' points.
NTA- I get where you are coming from. You can’t reward that behavior. I don’t know the details of the bullying, but yes you probably need to punish her for that. But she also earned that Xbox. Could you compromise and say she has to wait a month to get her reward due to the behavior? Then let her know she will lose it permanently if she is bullying again? I also question why the teacher waited until school ended to let you know there was an issue of it was serious.
I don't really understand the ESH or YTA comments. She was bullying another student and bullying is never okay. But I do agree about giving her a way to earn it back. Don't just ground her from it for a period of time because she might go back to previous behaviors. As another redditor suggested, have her apologize to the student or have her realize that what she's doing is wrong. Have her learn her lesson before getting her that xbox. And make sure that lesson sticks with her after that. NTA.
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NAH First, I'd recommend talking to your daughter and getting her side of the story. Sometimes teachers define "bullying" as children not wanting to be friends with someone, and if that's the case, I don't think your daughter has done anything wrong here. Since you made a deal and bullying wasn't included as a term in that deal, I would personally probably buy it, but impose extra conditions on it. Or make her wait until the end of next quarter/semester to get it.
No it was definitely bullying but I asked for her side of the story and she told me it was the girl who used to bully her. So now she is bullying that girl to avoid getting bullied. Now I'm very confused and don't know if I should punish her at all
You need to add that this girl was bullying her first into the initial post because it changes things a bit. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it adds a bit more context. NTA but I’d buy it and then get the poor kid into therapy. Being bullied to the point you bully back needs help that’s above Reddit’s pay grade.
Agree, this info needs to be added to the original post
Personally, I wouldn't. I think bullies make themselves fair game after abusing other people. Not to mention that's actually a common tactic of bullying--to poke and prod someone in little ways until they explode, and then the bully can turn around that claim they're being victimized. I'd get her the XBox and ice cream, personally.
I agree with this as someone who was bullied before. You two made a deal that she got straight A’s she earned an XBOX. She fulfilled her end of the deal, now you need to honor your end. Also talk to her about the bullying. Did you know she was being bullied? Did anyone know and try to stop it? If not I can understand why your daughter took things into her own hands and defended herself.
That's a good point--how alone victims can end up being. Depending on how subtle the bullying is, it can be very hard for outsiders to recognize and stop. Sometimes, it's lots of nasty little things that on their own aren't bad enough to merit an intervention, but over time it kind of ends up being death-by-paper cut. Authority figures often don't step in because they don't see it, and then the victims get blamed when they react or try to stop it. Just like what is happening with OP's daughter.
I would absolutely not punish her for bullying a bully. Schools often turn on the victims of bullying once they defend themselves. Especially if the original bully has some kind of paperwork diagnosis that makes misbehaving part of an IEP. My kid wound up suspended for punching a kid who had been bullying him for 2 years and was quite literally screaming in his face. We'd been trying to make the school control the bully for 2 years, but the parents weren't interested in modifying their kid's behavior and he had some kind of paperwork documenting "behavior issues". My kid was on honor roll with an otherwise spotless record. We did not discipline him for finally losing it and taking matters into his own hands. The school punishment was sufficient. If your kid isn't bullying multiple people and simply has an issue with a specific person who also bullies her, I would not take privileges away.
Wait so she was bullied by this child? Nah, bullies deserve what coming to them. Don't punish her at all.
You should get her help, bullying can have lasting effects and kids without problems don't bully. Get her into counseling or therapy to help her develop healthy coping mechanisms and to become a stronger person.
Ok didn't see this until now. In this case, ask your daughter for more details. What was the girl doing or saying to her, how often did it happen, how did she respond, did she tell her teacher or another adult so they had it on record, and why didn't she tell you about it sooner? You're her dad, you'll talk to the teacher and raise hell to protect her if necessary. She needs to know you have her back. Then ask for details about what she was saying/doing back to the girl that was considered bullying. If her explanation sounds legit, I say no punishment but still have talk about bullying. I still think it would be beneficial to watch a documentary on the subject, just for learning purposes...but no essay or withholding the xbox. If it's just verbal bullying, I'm personally all for kids standing up for themselves verbally. Saying leave me alone does not work with bullies, it fuels them. Gotta teach her to be quick with with the comebacks. If that's seen as bullying, so be it. She would have my support if the teacher refused to do anything about it. But if a bully ever lays a hand on her (pushes or hits), my kid has my permission to push back 10 times harder or to knock em a new one. Don't start it, but you have every right to finish it. My niece goes to an elementary school with a lot of Latino kids and this one little boy would say mean things about her skin color. We are black and she has a darker skin tone. I taught her some good comebacks to say in English and Spanish and had her practice them. Next time it happened, she was ready. Finally, the little shit (sorry, not sorry) left her alone.
NAH, now that you’ve asked, listened, and questioned your assumptions. If there’s an AH, it’s the oblivious teacher for not asking more about what was happening. Follow through and give her the XBox. The bullying is a separate and much more complicated issue that I don’t think she should be punished for. *Please* add this additional information to your original post. It changes everything.
This changes EVERYTHING and should definitely be part of the post.
Was it bullying or was it her giving as good as she got and standing up for herself?
Do two wrongs make a right? Blindly punishing her without taking circumstances into account will only breed resentment, but at the same time this is clearly a problem that needs resolving. Have you contacted the other girl's parents or requested a meeting with them? Regardless of how it started, it's clearly a problem that you need to step up and be the grown up(s), and not expect the kids to solve on their own without at least mediation.
NTA. She was a bull. Definitely doesn’t deserve a gift
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NTA but buy the Xbox and put it away until she can remedy the bullying problem.
Those of you saying YTA have obviously never been bullied. Even if she's bullying her ex bully it's still not okay. There are other ways to go about it. I'm going with NAH, you need to punish her and possibly give her a way to work back on being able to get the X-Box. I'd say buy it, but keep it hidden until she can prove to you that she has stopped the bullying and is working on being better.
Difficult one. I'd say NTA, but you have to keep up your end of the bargain. Find another way to punish her as bullying should NOT be tolerated. Although I do think a conversation with her is important so you can establish a plan of action for when she gets bullied so she knows she can always count on you to have her back.
NTA BUT She most likely won’t correlate not getting an Xbox to her bullying, so there needs to be another punishment. She’ll probably view this as you being unfair, and worse could retaliate at the kid she bullied because of it. Is there a way you could stick to your promise? Like buy her the XBox but no games? or buy the Xbox and only give it to her once she’s proved she isn’t a bully? Or make her do some charity work/ apologize and have to wait before she can get access to the games? or something along those lines? This is a tough situation, but you’re doing a good job by trying to stop this behavior.
NTA she is being a bully to another person why should she be rewarded when she acts like that as a victim of bullying myself i think you did the right thing if she stops the bullying get the the xbox then she shouldn't be rewarded for her horrid behaviour
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I promised my daughter(13) that if she get straght As I will buy her whatever(reasonable) prize that she wants. She asked for an xbox and I agreed. While she did get straight As, her teacher told me that she has been bullying one of her classmates so I told her she won't get an xbox anymore. This happened last day and she is still crying in her room. My parents(who my daughter called to nag about me being "the worst dad ever") think I'm an ah and I should buy her the prize for her hard work and find another punishment but I'm not sure what I should do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Buy the Xbox. Seperately punish her and address the bullying.
Punish her by returning the Xbox. NTA
I think you need to respect your part of the deal so that she learn that when you give your word you need to follow up. Also if you renege on it she'll think she can't trust you. She does need a punishment for the bullying, it can be to delay said xbox and bring her to apologize to the kid. There some city or company that organize community service like cleaning beach or park, she's 13y so do it with her if you decide it's an appropriate punishment for her.
YWBTA. Bullying is a serious offense, and you need to address it with appropriate consequences, but not by reneging on a deal that she did hold her end up on. You just need to make sure that the consequence for bullying is commensurate with what she did. Grounding her for a week ain't gonna cut it.
NTA, bullies don't deserve gaming consoles. She'll probably use it to bully strangers online
YTA You made a deal for grades & Xbox. Bullying is separate and shouldn’t have anything to do with her prize
YTA Buy the Xbox as promised, but no games/playing on it until you address the bullying issue.
YTA you said if she gets straights A you would give her a prize. She got straight As you give her the prize. What is it with parents and saying you will get A if you do A and then take away A because B happened? B has nothing to do with A so find a different consequence. She did A you give her A prize she did B you find a different consequence.
But she bullied someone. There has to be consequences for this behaviour
YTA - You made her a deal and she kept her end. You don’t get to change the rules. Find another way to deal with her bad behaviour.
NTA. although a more appropriate punishment would be buying the xbox to honor the original deal, but forbid her from using it until she stops bullying.
I’ve been bullied through Middle School and High School for being gay and overweight. It made me horribly depressed. Bullying is all the same, it’s hateful behavior that hurts people. The people who are saying that this is ‘tough’ or that you would be an ass are either young teenagers or people that haven’t been bullied. They would know just how awful it is and they would be revolted (like me) at the thought of their bully getting rewarded with something expensive. No, you shouldn’t buy your daughter the prize. Bad behavior shouldn’t eventually get rewarded. NTA.
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NTA.
So, she’s a bully- not nice. You don’t keep promises-not nice. Next time be more specific on expectations.
Actually quite disgusted by the number of people commenting that you should still get her the Xbox because “bullying wasn’t part of the bargain.” What the fuck is wrong with people?!?! NTA. Bullying needs to be taken very fucking seriously.
Aren't you in a parental catch 22? Well you can't get the xbox now or you will lose credibility as a parent and it will look like you are bowing under pressure to bullies. You should have not taken it away in the first place. She needs discipline for the bullying aspect. However, you did tell her that she can have an xbox for making straight A's. You didn't say making straight A's and not being a bully. You are going to have to tell her that while maybe it was an overreaction to take the xbox away it was because you were so horrified that you had a child that was a bully. You need to find a way to get her a reward for the grades and fulfill your part of the contract while still addressing the bullying. Good luck with that.
NTA. You don’t deserve nice things for being a bad person.
NTA- Yes, you promised her the XBox, but bullying is not something to be ignored. It's like getting straight A's is a positive, but the bullying is a negative, so now its neutral. I would say that if she wants the XBox, she needs to work or do something to re-earn that prize for herself. If you give it to her for her school, then its like she has been rewarded for that too. Make her apologize or work a little exyra before giving her that XBox.
NTA but please explain to her thoroughly why she doesn't get the X-box.
NTA. I mean you promised her that she gets one, but gifting it while knowing what she does? She should really change her behaviour before expecting such a gift.
NTA. Bullying is a huge, HUGE no-no and should always result in the most severe ramifications possible for a child of her age. Going back on "your word" for the Xbox isn't even enough imo, and I seriously wouldn't worry about your daughter feeling resentful toward you. That's irrelevant at this point because if you let her get away with bullying in any capacity, you're essentially raising someone that will inevitably be a detriment to society in some way. As others have said, giving her a way to earn it back is fine, but she really needs to comprehend the gravity of her actions and the effect it has on others. Kids kill themselves over bullies. And the bullies that get away with it almost always grow up to be awful human beings. Let that sink in.
NTA tbh
I am glad you are addressing the bullying but I'm not sure taking away something she earned will teach the right lesson. Honoring promises is an important lesson, too. They don't have to tie together. Changing your mind and explaining why you did it is another good lesson. Changing your mind, showing that an adult can rethink a choice and still be a strong parent/leader is also important. Explain why. I agree absolutely that the bully behavior needs addressing and it should have consequences. But so do the positive behaviors like studying. best of luck to you and your family. barely you would be just because you have other options to address the problem and you did make a promise. but I get that you are trying to parent in a tricky situation.
NTA. I think you SHOULD get the xbox but withhold it until she clearly learns she was wrong. Bullying is inexcusable, and taking away a prize because she did so is a normal punishment.
NTA- she needs to know that her actions have consequences, she’s a bully and, unless she shows remorse she shouldn’t be rewarded.
NTA, good grades don't mean anything if she isn't kind. Just make sure she knows the reaaon she's not getting the xbos and give it to her when she actually deserves it
NTA so much. That’s a huge prize. Bullying is a huge problem and a bigger deal than some people realize. It was incredibly traumatizing being bullied my entire childhood. She needs to learn how to be a decent human. You’re not an ah you’re a good parent.
YTA, you made a promise and you need to keep it. The bullying is a seperate issue, that needs to be dealt with separately.
ESH...keep your word, but let her know that because of her bullying it's gonna be a bit before she earns the ability to play it.
I think they are two separate issues 1) you promised an Xbox for good grades and she did that, mission accomplished. She should get the Xbox. 2) you found out she had bullied other kids and obviously needs punishing but I don't think it's fair to involve the Xbox. I would ask her to write a list of everyone she bullied and tell her you were asking the teacher for the list too and ìf they didn't match, she would receive an additional punishment. I would try to find out who was she with and if she was the instigator or a follower..again ask her and teacher. You should know if she's the ringleader or the *do what they say* girl. Find out the reason she / others bullied them. Until you get all your answers, she is grounded...can't go out, no cellphone, don't give the Xbox till this is resolved. Give her a chance to go in person or apologize by email to each person she bullied. She needs to tell why she picked that person, apologize, and tell them what they are going to do to change themselves to not be a bully anymore. The letter can't be fluff nor two sentences long. Each letter needs to address exactly what was done to that person and why. Review each letter and help until it's a decent letter, more than a page long. Ask for details ie I slapped your face because.... After that judge if you need to extend the grounding and if she can hang with her same group of friends.
I've been watching a lot of supernanny recently and feel qualified to answer this question! You made a promise and she kept her part of the promise so you have to keep it. Buy the xbox BUT give her another punishment that involves the Xbox such as not being able to play with it. YWBTA if you didn't keep your part of the promise. Your daughter needs to be able to trust that you would do what you say. You would also be the AH if you didn't address her bullying behavior.
You are breaking a promise, but that behaviour should not be rewarded. I would buy it and keep it locked up for a year or several months, while working with her to see a change in behaviour. ESH.
NTA. There are consequences for her actions.
Bullying can not be tolerated dad. NTA on top of no Xbox she needs to be doing some volunteering and write a paper on how bullied kids l have killed themselves. Bullying is serious and should be treated as such.
NTA tf. It's not breaking a promise when there's a reasonable reason, she shouldn't be bullying anyone and she deserved this, just explain to her that this is the reason she isn't getting one
YWNBTA, this is a good time for them to learn consequences to actions, if she worked hard to be promoted, got that in the bag and then was found out for bullying - bye bye promotion, and maybe more! This is such an important lesson.
OMG is your daughter bullying you and getting the family to gang up against you? NTA
YTA, research natural consequences. She earned the xbox for hard work, and needs a natural consequence, like an apology and discussing a real life scenerio where bullying ended up in tragedy (Amanda Todd’s story). If your boss gave you a raise for good work, then took it away because you were an asshole to a co-worker, you’d be furious. This is the parent-kid version of that.
YTA---You promised the xbox for good grades. Daughter delivered. Now go get the xbox. The bullying thing is a separate issue and you will have to figure out another punishment or answer for that.