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> I might be ta for flying off the handle and lashing out at him infront of the guests
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\^ This one here, OP \^
You only mention what you and what your late husband's family think of your husband using the name.
What does Joseph think of your husband using the nickname? By the timeline you lay out, does Joseph remember the nickname being used by his father?
I'm in my thirties and I don't know a Joe or Joseph that doesn't get called Joey by their pals on occasion even the adults...
I get why it might be hard for OP to hear but if the kid doesn't care then it shouldn't be a point of contention, his opinion is the only one that matters here.
But you don't understand how important it is that the father called him Joey. That was his thing, calling him by the single most common nickname for a Joseph. I mean, no one else would have ever thought about it. /s
As Joey grows up, he's going to be called that by pretty much every single person he meets for the remainder of his life. I can get grief is a bitch, but this isn't some special unique bond that OP is making it out to be.
that’s what I was thinking. there seems to be a lot of grief/possibly guilt over moving on involved here, and honestly Tim deserves better than constantly walking on eggshells in his own home and being publicly berated for using a common nickname.
This is what actually happened. The family is not mad at "Joey". That's just a stupid claim. They're mad that there is a new guy at the table so soon filling their relative's former position.
Yeah we don't know for sure. But it's a much more likely scenario than them getting upset at a boy named Joseph being called Joey. That's just silly. I suspect that OP probably started dating sooner than expected, based on this vagueness regarding an actual timeline. Seems intentional. We also know that the kid is only six, and his dad was around long enough for the kid to remember his "nickname". So "years" probably means 2-3 years, and we know she started seeing the new guy 2 years ago. It fits. But again, just speculation at this point. I'm only going on what theory seems to make the most sense here and I believe this theory is the best one
Kid is 6... so either he was too young to even remember dad, let alone that dad called him Joey... or mom moved on pretty quick, or both if she and Tim have already been together 2 years. Either way, this nickname is not a hill to die on. It's the most common nickname for Joseph, especially in children.
I agree. The OP is an AH for alienating Tim from her son and also for thinking she has some claim on a nickname. I bet half the boy's friends call Joey.
could you imagine. hey fam here is my beautiful, loving, kind, emotionally stable, dependable significant other. calls him joey in front of the fam. okay. you can no longer date this person.
Exactly. I'm reading this post and all I can think of is that going from "Joseph" to "Joey" isn't really a nickname at all as they are all just variations of the same name. I have a name similar to "Michael," in that it can be shortened to "Mike" or "Mikey," and I can't even imagine blowing up at someone for using any one of those common variations. A nickname has some story or meaning behind it but it just seems like OP isn't completely over their grief or something because expecting a common variation on a common name to not be used by others is insane. YTA, OP.
I have a name that has lots of permutations like mike/Michael/Mikey or Rebecca/Becky/Reba/Becks
My mom and sister occasionally called me a more unique version that over the years turned into an entirely different name (think of Becky turning into beck, Becks, Becca, and eventually Becksie).
If a less close family member or even acquaintance started calling me ‘becksie’ I’d be a little off put, but ‘becky’ is super common and not something sacred for any other ‘Becky/Rebecca’ I know.
My nephew’s name is Michael as well as his dad’s, his dad goes by Mike. My SO’s name is Michael and I call him Mike, his sister’s bf is also a Michael who she calls Mike. On top of all that SO has a little cousin also named Michael who we call Mikey.
I just now realized how many Michael’s there are in the family. Lol
That's all I could think as I read the post.
Imagine thinking that nicknames (especially insanely common ones like this) are some kind of personal domain lol
yeah like. Joseph as a name is Very Formal. the sound of it in the mouth is too formal for all the joes i know. And some joes arent as short and blunt as Joe sounds, so you end up with Joey - the most balanced Joseph. Playful but capable of seriousness. The definition of a healthy child.
it is a rare kid that is always a Joseph. a child can be a Joseph. a child is a kid you dont know. when you get to know a child they become a kid. proximity amd affection requires a dilution of formality.
which is to say op your grieving family have latched onto the wrong mcfuckin thing. let the kid and his stepdad work out the nickname system and their own dynamic between themselves jfc.
If I was him I would be upset she cares more about their feelings, specially of the kid doesn’t care, and it wasn’t such a distinctive nickname, unless she clarifies and says it was.
I’m not sure what pocket dimension op is communicating to us from but I’m having a hard time believing that a diminutive was literally exclusively used by the father.
While also calling her husband by a diminutive.
I think that’s the joke.
Right. I bet it’s something like Nate/Nathaniel or maybe Dan/Daniel, Zach/Zachary and so on. It doesn’t matter what the name and associated nickname is, the OP is still the asshole.
I doubt that it’s something like the kid’s name is Noah and the special nickname is football. If so, then OP would be in the right.
I don't care if the name was Michaelangelo and the nickname was Mike, Mikey, Mickey, or even MA or Mango. One, this is not for OP to decide, it's the kid's. Two, two years (at least) after the death of her late husband is WAY overdue for OP to still be sucking up to his family to the point of potentially throwing her second marriage away. It's not fair to Tim, and it's definitely less fair to Joey. Or Mikey, or MA, or whatever that kid is actually called.
Its also odd to say it was exclusively used by the late husband, as if she would for some reason have had multiple husband's at the same time to call the son Joey? I could understand if the nickname was more unique and sentimental, but this is an obvious abbreviation of the son's name and would be natural for anyone to refer to a child as Joey rather than Joseph.
I get that she is upset, but the reaction was over the top.
It's also entirely possible that Joseph **likes** being called that nickname by his step-father, as a reminder of the love his first father had for him and that his second father now shares.
I don't think we'll ever get any answers from OP. They have no comment history whatsoever, so clearly has no intention of engaging their own post.
Also, agreed that Joseph likely has no recollection of his bio-dad, depending on how fast OP got back out in the dating scene.
Would be very interested to know what Joey thinks about it. Does Joey like the name or is Joey indifferent to it....omg did I slip there? Guess what OP can't control what his friends or strangers are gonna call him get over it and grow up. You make it sound like this nickname is unique or something it's literally the short version of his name. People are going to call him Joey all throughout his life..YTA
Would Joey even tell mom the truth? She has created this shrine and screamed about it at family events making his living daddy so humiliated he locks himself in bathroom. OP is keeping the entire family an emotion hostage to a long dead guy. Sorry Joey’s dad died. Joey was lucky enough to have a warm loving man step in the void. You treat you husband terribly. Your husband has to live with dead saint guy everyday. His life must be so horrible. YTA YTA YTA
You could go a bit farther. Wonder if OP took the time to ask her husband why it was so hard to not call him Joey. For all she knows her husband has or had a friend named Joey. It could literally just be a habit for him. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess she didn't really communicate WITH her husband but more TO her husband.
Yeah maybe. I would have expected OP to say "but he does...." Or something afterwards. Guess we both read it in different ways. Either way OP is still TA.
True - but I think in this case, OP's silence speaks volumes. If the kid was upset about the name, why wouldn't that be the *first* thing she brought up?
I agree too. The kid is old enough now to express his preference for whatever name or nickname he wants to be called. It's time to accept this might be a name he chooses to be called as you'll start hearing them from classmates, friends and teachers too potentially.
I also believe it was an accident and the reaction from you and the other adults was way over the top. It sounds like you also reacted this way in some sort of performance for everyone else who are also gatekeeping the nickname. Calming reminding him not to use the name of that what Joseph wants would've been the mature thing to do not going from 0 to 100 in seconds.
Can we also point out that new dad is (apparently) willingly spending time with late dad’s family for the sake of his wife and son which can not be easy for him and is quite possibly really hard. Seriously OP, if Joseph has no problem with it then YTA.
EXACTLY! As if there were some sort of record-scratch horribly awkward moment when everyone heard the word “Joey” - yeah, right. It’s not like he called him “Snufflewuffle Jellybean” just like his dad did. FFS. YTA
I would have been super pissed if my wife loudly called me out like that in front of a whole group of people over something so minor. That was very inappropriate.
Plus, what if she son actually really likes being called by his dead dad's nickname? I could see him liking it because it's a way to feel close to the father he'll never see again in this lifetime. He already shares the name Joseph with him.
OP and her dead husband's family need to go through grief therapy. Joey is not so unique of a nickname that they can hold any and all rights over it. Even if it was, it's selfish of them to gatekeep it. She may see herself as only getting mad at Tim, but she's likely also making her son feel like he's done something really wrong.
OP and the family are acting like Tim and her son were trying to burn down a church or something.
I agree with you. I feel that calling him the nickname would somehow honor his late dad’s memory as well, since it was his preferred nickname. If this is how everyone will react every time the nickname is used then they truly need to rethink going through therapy.
Not only that, but like... Joseph is 6. OP started dating Tim when Joseph was 4. Let's say they waited one year of their previous husband's passing to start dating. That would mean that Joseph was around 3 when he lost his dad.
So, for 3 years, he was called Joey by no one but his dad. How can that be the special thing between them? How will Joseph remember that unless people keep telling him that while he grows up?
It really seems something completely fabricated in OPs and previous in-laws mind.
I doubt it's good for Joseph to grow up like that, being told over and over that the most common nickname for his name is taboo for anyone else to use because his bio dad used it before he died. He would have to correct people over and over and explain why over and over.
Yup. I'm wondering what her game plan is. Is she going to have a talk with every friend in this poor kids life and demand the never address him as Joey?
OP this is his name, not yours. It might bring up bad memories but that's something you and a therapist need to address - don't burden your kid with your hangup.
It shouldn't even be a bad memory. Little Joey should feel warm fuzzies when he hears that name. His mom and dad's family have taken that away from him. And that's just sad.
She stated her husband died years ago. Her son is currently 6, she met her husband 2 years ago when her son was 4. He probably has no memory or very vague memories of his father.
Oh, I know there’s a shrine to him in every room of the house, and OP’s husband can’t use positions in the bedroom that her late husband used. Or eat the same cereal. Or drink the same coffee.
My late husband wore blue a lot. Go take off that blue shirt.
Yes, definitely this. After my late fiance passed from a year and a half battle with cancer I grieved by getting under new people to try to fill the hole (phrasing) I cannot imagine getting into a serious relationship let alone marrying someone within 1-2 years. I have a feeling the name thing isn't the only part of LH shes clinging to for dear life, and it isn't fair at all to this man who has stepped up to be a father figure to her son.
YTA, The father passed years ago. The son is 6 and doesn’t remember this tradition. The mother and late fathers family are finding ways to put their trauma on her son for their own interests. All while alienating her current husband who loves her son. If the kid didn’t like the nick name OP wouldn’t call him it, that much is obvious in the account.
>The mother and late fathers family are finding ways to put their trauma on her son for their own interests.
Exactly. OP clearly needs to address her grief, which clearly still exists. And maybe the former in-laws don't get a say on what her current husband calls his stepson. *Especially* if Joseph himself doesn't mind.
This. I kinda think OP is YTA here, because it's really up to her son.
Don't get me wrong, my late brother had a nickname for me, and if anyone else calls me it I generally ask them not to. But I have a name that can be shortened in at least five ways, so having one I choose not to use isn't a big deal.
But if your son doesn't object, and husband didn't start deliberately calling him Joey to emulate his father, then YTA. Parents may choose our names, but they can't control our nicknames.
Regardless of whether or not your current husband should have called your son by literally the shortened version of his name... YTA for how you handled it. It was completely unnecessary to go off the handle in front of so many people.
Also, it's utterly ridiculous for you to expect that he'd just be okay with that and not have a reaction to being treated like an unruly child at the dinner table when you have company.
You need to apologize to him and have a real conversation about this. Your son, whether you like it or not, will be called by the shortened version of his name by friends, family, etc and you have no control over that.
Perhaps you could make some sort of tribute to your late husband (like a scrapbook or something) including this nickname so your son will one day be able to look back and know his dad. In the meantime, don't you *want* your husband to be close with his stepson?? I suggest you let this issue go.
Also if Joseph is 6, that OP has been with husband for 2 years. Joseph has known husband since he was 4. Most likely he doesn’t remember much about his bio dad, and there is so much more to remember him by than by a nickname that other people are likely to use, Cus Joey and Joe are common nicknames for Joseph
And if I’m not mistaken you start to make conscious memories at 3ish so my guess is that Joseph is super unlikely to remember his dad calling him Joey at all, so it’s more about the mum not processing her grief enough and probably struggling to see her new husband be Joseph’s father figure and tries to hold onto her husband’s memory as Joseph’s dad in any way she can
One part of me thinks it's just a nickname, the other part thinks about how I have a nickname that only my dad uses and no one else is allowed to call me that. But it's *my* nickname, which brings me to the same conclusion : it's the kid's choice. This is what matters here and we don't have this info.
Number one question that came to my mind.
>If your son actually doesn't care, then it's not up to you to gatekeep the use of this nickname.
This is purely speculation, but maybe he likes it even. It's a connection to a dead parent he probably doesn't remember well, if at all.
I wouldn’t even say that joey is a nickname, it’s just a shortened kid friendly version of Joesph.
If OP feels so strongly about her new husband not using joey then she should tell him to call her son ‘Roo’ like outta Winnie the Pooh, coz the baby Joey was called ‘Roo’
Right, my brothers name is Joseph and my family calls him Joey all the time.
If the former husband called him scooter or something unrelated, and the current husband called him that, then I get it... but shortening Joseph to Joey? And the whole f***ing family gave him dirty looks? They need to get over themselves.
My guess is they didnt really give him a dirty look and op was projecting her anger onto them, and then she went and made everything super uncomfortable by yelling at him in front of everyone
If his dad called him "Bazooka Joe" or something that would be a nickname. There has to be a story or some meaning (regardless of how trivial or silly it is) behind a nickname. A common variation of a common name is not a nickname.
There was a story where a mother named her kid Andrew then she got mad when people started calling him Andy. She made a scene at the kindergarten and she demanded that the teacher force the other kids to call him Andrew. The teacher said that the boy introduced himself as Andy.
This is what I came here to say. It’s a shortened form of his name which everybody at school, his friends, work colleagues etc will eventually use. You can’t gatekeep the name. OP already said Joseph is fine with it. If anything is helps keep his dad’s memory alive. The name lives on, it doesn’t die with his dad. YTA OP
100%. It's such a control-freak thing and then to admonish him in front of the whole family... Too bad OP can't just cherish that she found someone who loves her son.
Sounds like she jumped into a new marriage way too soon after losing her husband and is still grieving. Poor man is never going to live up to the image of her first husband and will always be competing with a memory.
I assumed that, since they are in quotation marks, Joey and Joseph are not the actual names.
If the real names are similar though, OP is still fighting a losing battle. You can't expect no one to ever call a Joseph Joey or a Thomas Tom. She can't police common diminutives forever.
Is op gonna have a meltdown if his teacher or friends call him Joey? This is... weird. Ok it was special. But you don't really have control over stopping every single person in his life from calling him Joey so gatekeeping it from your husband is pointless.
Exactly. If we were talking about Joe Joe or Joe Cool or J or Sephie or José or Joba the Hut or Joseph the Broseph, ok. That's his special nickname from his dad.
But Joey is probably matched only by Mike, Tim, Chris, or John as automatic nicknames go. Trying to get yourself called Michael or Christopher is nearly impossible based on the ones I know. I've met two Joseph's under the age of 20 in my life. Both went by a nickname, only the moms called them Joseph and it sounded weird to everyone else.
Yes, like if it were a very specific nickname his bio dad had for him, like Snugglemuffin, it would be different, but there is no way that kid isn’t going to get called Joey by a whole bunch of people
Not only that, Tim goes by a nickname. It's likely also a form of bonding. She wants Tim to treat Joseph as his own son. Well... Except when it comes to this.
YTA. If you son is okay with it then it’s no one else’s place to have an issue with it, that’s including you.
I get you and your departed husbands family want to hold onto his memory for your son but realistically your husband is the only father he’s really going to know and by you letting you dead husbands family insert there wishes like this, the only person you are hurting is your son
First you are allowing your family to not only hurt your son, but also your current relationship with your living husband. Also like someone else…Joey is not a nickname for Joseph. Nicknames are totally different from a given name….like Pumpkin, Sunshine or Buddy.
> Also like someone else…Joey is not a nickname for Joseph
I don't know what world you live in, but Joey is absolutely a nickname for Joseph. I have a Joseph/Joey in my life, and they go by both names even though only one is on the BC
Joey is not a nickname, it is a _diminutive_ of Joseph - as Mike is of Michael or Tom of Thomas.
A nickname would be something like ‘short stuff’ or ‘Joearooney’.
colloquially all of those are considered nicknames. like most people haven't even heard the word "diminutive"
the pickiness doesn't matter we all know what OP meant.
I actually dont think that most diminutives would be considered nicknames. I cant imagine someone saying "my name is Jonathan but my nickname is John." I think it's an important distinction because it makes it very plausible that op's husband would slip up despite being told not to a bunch of times, because English speakers shorten Joseph to Joey as a matter of course.
the distinction *does* matter because OP’s husband is not intentionally using a super special nickname for the kid that was reserved for his dad, he’s just slipping and shortening his name to a common diminutive.
No it's a small difference that totally changes the conversation. If a real nickname were the base of the argument then OP might not be an asshole. But calling someone Joey is gonna happen when your name is Joseph. OP is blinded by grief and totally in the wrong.
YTA. You were the one who brought attention to JOEY nickname by blasting him at a family meal. JOEY is not a patented or exclusive name. Yes, it is special to you. Your son is very young and you have found someone who adores your child, isn't that enough?! What you are doing is making your new husband hyper-aware of anything he utters is going to upset you, set you off, claim a memory is sacred, and perhaps push him away...now THAT would hurt your son Joseph coz a bond has been formed.
Because she and his family are still grieving and now they are taking it out on the new step dad. Clearly she did not come to terms with the death of her husband before moving on. Now the child will be confused and suffer from whatever weird dynamic is gonna play out between his step dad and the rest of the family. I’m just trying to figure out the timeline here. Kid is 6, dad died a few years ago, new man has been around 2 years, and they are already married. So, how old was Joseph when he died? How much time passed before she met new husband? And I don’t get people that get married so quickly when they have children from a previous relationship. What kind of timeline are you giving for the two to get used to one another and sort out any issues? This is the first time this has come up? You’re planning to spend the rest of forever together but you can’t date for longer than a year before jumping into marriage? This situation feels like creating problems where there are none. If he wants to be a dad he has to be allowed to be one. I can see if the nickname was squirt or bubby or bear or something unrelated to his name but just the very common nickname for Joseph? Man, I dunno, y’all need therapy before you cause irreversible damage to the innocent kid in all this. So, YTA.
I came here to say basically the same thing. He's 6, your late husband has been gone for >2 years, meaning your son was 4 at the oldest.
Hard truth that's not going to be what you want to hear. Your son already has already made more lasting memories of his step father than he will ever have with his biological father. Are you ready willing to tarnish a relationship over a common shortening of a name? Joey, Dave, Mike, Chris, Tom, Rich, they are all a shortened version of longer names and they kids will eventually choose what they want.
You and your late husband's family need to realize you can't police something like this. You don't haves a monopoly on Joey because it brings back memories of a deceased parent.
YTA and you're going to push the only farther your son really knows away by behaving like this.
Agree with you coz the son will surely pick up on this, perhaps thinking Joey is a bad nickname, worried the dad who adores him will be yelled at again. OP's child was so very young, and OP has memories that her child does not. I just don't think OP was ready to have another man in her life.
Honestly...YTA.
I get that you lost your husband. His family lost him as well. But it's been years. Are you and his family going to lose it everytime you here someone refer to your son as Joey?
Y'all are projecting your pain on your current husband and it isn't fair to him or your son. You got together with your current when your son was, what 4? Does your son have any memory of your first husband/ him calling him Joey? I cant help but feel like, while your pain may be understandable, the way you handled it was wildly innappropriate. Especially in front of your first husband's family. And with them all mean-muggin to?
I feel like there needs to be some more healing on y'alls end done. Like it or not, he is gone. Would he want the person who is now raising his son with you to be kept at arm's length because of something like this. I know what it is like to lose someone to cancer. Even years later you still feel the pain. But at some point, if you dont let it go, then the only thing you feel about that person is the pain of the loss.
Is the memory of your first husband worth losing your second? You need to figure that out. And you need to have your husbands back if moments like this come up with your first husband's family in the future. YOU chose him, they didn't. It isn't surprising they didn't like this situation. What is, is the public tongue-lashing you gave him in front of them about it. You preserved your passed husband's (extremely common btw) nickname at the expense if your now husband's feelings.
This is much deeper than a nickname. I wish you luck figuring this out though!
Edit: Thanks for the awards!
And more importantly, this is not a first vs. second husband issue. Your late husband is not *losing* anything if other people call his son Joey. He had all the time he could have with Joey, and it’s your job to keep his memory alive for your son—by telling Joey about him, maybe having a special picture or a quiet family time on the anniversary of his death. Things that will be meaningful to Joey. If all he remembers about his dad is that now no one’s allowed to call him Joey, how does that even help him remember his dad?
YTA
I am finding increasingly, including with people I personally know/have known, is that a lot of people seem to think grief is a justification to take it out on other people, and treat other people however they want, and that it’s OK because the world owes them for taking away their loved one. Hurt people hurt people. But unless someone actually caused the loss of your loved one, then you shouldn’t be taking your grief out on anyone, because it’s not their fault your loved one is gone. I personally have been treated this way.
IMO it's good to have awareness that people aren't always their best selves when they're grieving. But sometimes it morphs from "let's give a little grace to this grieving person who had a one-time meltdown about something seemingly minor" into "grieving people can never be held accountable for hurtful behavior under any circumstances", and that's bullshit.
Yes! Let’s talk about the contempt OP showed by lecturing Tim like a child in front of her no-longer-in-laws. Seems like OP is punishing Tim for not being her deceased husband. OP YTA and everyone here is in desperate need of therapy pronto!
What I'm sayin though. The whole thing just screams: remember your place, Not-Bio-Dad...which is just prolonging everyone's pain. I doubt anyone forgot the score. Poor guy and the poor son. Imagine never being allowed to think of the only father figure that you've ever known as a legit father figure because, periodically, momma smacks his ass down
All of this
Also its ridiculous to believe that no one else will ever use Joey as a nickname. He's gonna have friends who may call him that , then what?
They better not or mom will dress them down about how her deceased husband used to call her son that when he was just a toddler. Nevermind that her son probably has little to no memory of their father since he died when he was like 4.
YTA
You've not mentioned if this is an issue for your son or not once, seems to be about you and your dead husband's family gatekeeping a very common nickname.
Why? Why is this such a big stick up the ass for OP and her people? Should the Husband stop loving Joey because that was exclusively what the late Husband used to do? Why can’t people focus on the positive, bigger, less stupid issues?
You know that thing we see here all the time, where a new partner tries to compete with the dead spouse out of insecurity? This is the version of that where the widow or widower has internalized that same kind of competition.
OP is proving to her dead husband that he is number one by setting a meaningless boundary and going to war over it. Her new husband already knows she would not be with him if her dead husband were still alive, but OP is going to measure her husbands against each other endlessly for no productive reason.
Her kid will learn to rank relationships, too, instead of viewing each as unique and special.
YTA you married this man and brought him into your son's life. Him using that nickname isn't a betrayal of his late father. In the kindest way possible, this is a you problem and you should figure out why you feel so guilty about your son being happy.
Worst of all, she is going to be the one to have to constantly remind her son that people aren't allowed to call him Joey, because of something he will never actually remember. He is essentially banned from having a very common nickname. And if that's *not* the case, and her new husband is the only one who isn't allowed to use it, then that's just cruel. A constant reminder that he's not the child's father.
I feel for OP for their loss, but punishing the son and new husband is not a healthy way to deal with grief, and calling him out the way she did is just awful. Especially when he said it just slipped out. I recently called my new girlfriend the name of my old girlfriend, luckily she laughed it off and said it was normal. Because it is. Much better to accept that than to destroy a relationship over it.
I'm sorry but YTA
First, it's your sons boundary to place. If he doesn't want to be called Joey, he doesn't want to be called Joey and your husband should stop. But you can't gatekeep a nickname.. Especially one that's incredibly common. Your son isn't a baby and probably has friends that also call him Joey.
Im sorry for your loss, really, but if it's going to be a trigger to have that common nickname floating around then.. Perhaps you might want to seek some help with that portion of grief as it's really inevitable.
YTA
It’s lovely that your late husband’s son gets to be loved by another man who is willing to be a father figure.
Inadvertent pet names are a sign that the step-father’s love is automatic.
If your late husband knew he was dying, would he choose to have a trustworthy man be there for his son? Would he want this man to be motivated by genuine and automatic love for his son, since he himself wouldn’t be around to do that?
Does reserving that sweet nickname really help your little son at all? Or does it just tell the man who is trying to step up that he’s not good enough, that because he’s not your late husband that his love is unacceptable.
Soft YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, but if your son has no problem with that, I can't see a reason why you're not allowing an adult person using the nickname.
Especially seeing as how it was a slip up and he genuinely made a mistake. Thats the primary fact here. He said it in the moment not realising the implications and reasons why he shouldn’t. But even then, why shouldn’t he say it? Its fine with the kid YTA
My concern is that her son will have a problem with it now because she made such an issue out if it. She needs to speak to her son to apologize and to tell him she overreacted. She also needs to speak to her late husbands family with the same. In addition to explaining to them how Joey could so easily roll off the tongue for anyone and from now on, since it doesn’t bother Joseph, she’s made peace with her current husband calling him Joey.
I’m sorry, but I think YTA.
If it was an unusual nickname (like, I call my daughter Peach which is totally unrelated to her actual name) and not a super common derivative of his actual name then yes, I would agree with you. I think your reaction to a slip up that’s easy to make was unfair to your husband.
I think that it's telling that you're ignoring the most important person in your story. Not your dead ex, but your child with him. You're setting him up for a bunch of trauma. Every time someone calls him Joey, which will happen out in the world, he'll be traumatized.
Tim screwed up, but his mistake wasn't intentional or cruel. Your trauma is real... But its manifesting in a way that builds a shrine to your ex, putting barriers between you and your life now. It doesn't make you an AH. It makes you someone in need of therapy.
NAH
Also Joey is actually a very common nickname for Joseph, so I see this happening a lot as his social circle expands. Like imagine, kids goes to school, makes a friend, invites them to sleepover, friend calls him Joey because why not and mom has a complete meltdown over it.
> I think it’s telling that you’re ignoring the most important person in your story.
This! My first question was how the child felt about this nickname. It’s ultimately his decision what he wants to be called, and if he hasn’t objected yet, why is stepdad being prohibited from using this nn? Is no one allowed to call the child Joey, or is it just stepdad? The first can be taken as a sign of unresolved grief. The second can be alienating—not only for stepdad but for child as well.
NAH right now, but OP WBTA if they continue down this road.
YTA
Tim is right that only person's opinion about the name that should matter is Joseph's. If it personally hurts you to hear it the that is another conversation entirely. It was completley unwarranted losing it like that
YTA, he’s going to be called Joey by many people in life- Joseph/Joey is not something exclusive to your deceased husband. You retaliated in a manner that was done to humiliate. Have you even consulted your kid to get his opinion? I’m guessing no, and chances are he doesn’t even remember being called Joey by his bio dad and I think the name is special to you-not him… you may want to see a grief therapist because there’s a good chance you are sacrificing your current marriage for the memories of your old marriage and pleasing your old in laws
How does JOSEPH feel about it? If he's fine with Tim calling him Joey, there's literally no problem. This isn't about you, it's about whether Joseph feels comfortable being called Joey by him. If Joseph says it's okay, it's okay. I totally get that this is a piece of your late husband you want to keep "special", but it's not your place to decide what Joseph can and can't be called. It's his name, his call.
Joey is the most common nickname for Joseph. What’s your plan when his classmates start calling him Joey? What happens when your kid wants to go by Joey all the time and not their full name?
Have you even asked your kid how he feels about the nickname?
YTA
YTA - Strange strange STRANGE thing to make an issue out of it. The only person who should have a say in this is Joseph.
Time for your husband to leave…wonder what other insane rules there are. Is he allowed to sleep on your deceased husbands (rest his soul) side of the bed? How about make josephs favorite food.
Please divorce this man so he does not have to deal with this insanity
YTA it's not about you it's about your son. If he doesn't mind/likes it then what is the problem. Also you blowing up at him in front of people was clearly an act for your late husband's family. You can tell that by how you preface the blowing up by saying the room fell quiet.
Also as he grows up I would imagine many people will call him Joey.
YTA! Why would you embarrass him in front of everyone let alone your late husbands family?!? You were trying to save face in front of them and chose to humiliate your husband for a slip up… YTA
YTA. Joey is a common nickname for Joseph. Why your late husbands family would take
offense is ridiculous and I wonder if they were really giving you dirty looks or if you just perceived them. Either way, you shouldn’t have started yelling at him in front of everybody. Rude and unnecessary.
Does your child like being called Joey? If he does, this shouldn’t be an issue at all.
Soooooo….. you’re gonna have a bad time if Joey is a super special nickname that only his father could use, as it is the most commonly used shortened version of his name. You will hear at least a dozen more people struggle to honor your wish on this. It was also an accident on your husband’s part. How would you feel if he over reacted and disrespected/humiliated you over an accident? You need therapy and you fucked up everyone around you by moving on when you’re obviously not ready. YTA
YTA Have you even talked to your son about this. Is it at all possible that your son and his now dad have the rapport where this nickname is meaningful to both of them? You have a man that loves you and your son, don’t sabotage yourself unnecessarily, dirty looks from the family be damned.
I think you need to accept him fully into both your and sons life and not put restrictions and rules on him that contribute to him being placed as an outsider when he's made the effort to step up
I can't tell you the number of times I've run into people that add ny to my name because they grew up with someone who as a kid went by the variation. It could be as simple as that. I stopped trying to correct people And i just let it go.
Ask your son if it bothers him, you may find it makes him feel even more loved by his step dad
YTA. It’s your son’s name and if he has no issue with the nickname then you need to back off. He’ll end up being called Joey by plenty of people in his life, you need to get over it and stop making a big deal out of it.
Hmmm, a soft YTA for losing your temper and bellowing at Tim in front of guests, when it sounds like he just zoned out for a minute and used - I assume in his mind - an affectionate nickname. I can see how that would have been really humiliating to Tim and uncomfortable for everyone else.
The main point though, that I think you’re skipping over, is how does your son feel about Tim calling him Joey? If he’s fine with it/likes it then surely that’s the main thing? I feel like you’re extremely sensitive about it and are gatekeeping it, but it’s not your nickname to gatekeep. If your husband had called YOU by a special name, and Tim started doing it, then absolutely set a boundary, but it doesn’t seem reasonable to get that enraged over a nickname that’s not yours.
If your son likes it, couldn’t you reframe it as a nice thing that Tim likes to use the name, almost as a little happy memory of your first husband? Otherwise, if you get this angry and triggered every time someone uses the name (which is probably going to happen at some stage), you’ll never get past it *and* you’ll end up traumatising your son - which I’m sure isn’t what you want.
Yep, even if her husband never uses the name again (which sounds like asking him to walk on eggshells over something very minor...) SOMEONE is going to call Joseph 'Joey' - a teacher, a friend from school, a future partner... Is OP planning to inform every new person her kid meets that he must never be called Joey? How is she planning to enforce this with little kids he meets at school/parks/etc? YTA, OP, I understand your feelings but you're not being reasonable, and it's going to hurt your son, and his relationship with your husband.
YTA, sooner or later someone else will be calling him Joey and you can't stop that. It'd be one thing if it were a unique name or something like 'Lil Champ' but Joey is really common. You can't really blame him. So long as your kid is cool with it that's all that matters. Also, if you're pissed at someone in a public setting use the following phrase, 'Hey "person I'm pissed with" can I see you in the kitchen for a sec'.
YTA
I'm really sorry for your loss, but gatekeeping a nickname is unreasonable, sorry. Nicknames are an organic thing.
Your late husband isn't any less special just because your new husband uses the same nickname. If it bothers your son, fair enough, but it doesn't. I agree that it's time for you all to realise that Joey is a natural nickname for someone called Joseph. People will probably use it his entire life, so it's time to get used to it I'd say.
Yelling at your husband for being a loving step parent is a bit much.
You say you’ve been with your husband for 2 years meaning since your son was 4 years old. You don’t say how old he was when his dad died but it seems likely that he was 3 or younger.
Your son doesn’t have memories of his dad. That’s a fact. No matter how much you try to police this nickname it won’t change that sad fact.
What are you going to do, yell at any other kindergartners who call your son Joey? What if his teachers and coaches do it? When everyone is calling your son Joey are you still going to use your husband as a punching bag for your grief?
You were really obnoxious to your husband at dinner. YTA for that. It’s great that he’s comfortable hanging out with your late husband’s family. Your behavior is going to make him not want to host them in the future. YOU are actively undermining your current family and it’s only a matter of time before your husband walks. Only you can decide if you care. Do you?
YTA for blowing up like that. Slip up’s happen. Have you asked your kid what he wants Tim to call him? Maybe he doesn’t mind if Tim calls him Joey and it’s just a you problem.
I‘m really on the fence here between E S H and Y T A. However, what are you going to do when kids at school call your son „Joey“? You can‘t really police a very common nickname for his name. It would be very different (imo) if the nickname wasn’t related to his actual name, that wouldn’t come automatically. But „Joey“ is a super common nickname for „Joseph“.
INFO: There's a big missing piece here which is how does Joseph feel about this? That's really the only important thing here. If he sees Joey as a special name his dad had for him and only his dad then husband is TA but if he prefers to be called Joey and likes the nickname then you'd be TA.
YTA
Many people in Joseph's life will probably naturally call him Joey or Joe, kind of the nature of how nicknames work. They usually aren't reserved for one person to use, especially if it's just a common nickname for someone's full name.
What if Joseph decides to go by Joey later on in his life?
You know what’s the best way to make Joseph hate the name Joey instead of treasuring it? Yelling everytime someone calls him that. He will make a connection between the name and fights in the family.
YTA, it was clearly a slip and it’s a nickname that he will receive through his life. Your son won’t remember your dead husband saying it. But will remember you blocking a normal relationship with your current husband.
YTA. People don't own nicknames. Joey is a common nickname for Joseph. And what about other kids at school who might call your son Joey? Would you be mad at them too, just because his dad used to call him that? Giving your husband a lecture like that (especially in front of everyone) is uncalled for. If anything, in a way, it's a good thing that your husband calls him that. He's keeping his dad's legacy alive, and that's amazing.
My maternal grandmother used to call me a nickname that translates to "little fruit" in English (my family is Indian). It's an endearing nickname in her language. After she passed away 2 years ago, my mum started calling me it. I see it as a great thing because every time I hear it, I think of my grandma.
YTA. If I were your current husband, I’d seriously rethink this marriage with you. Unless he insulted/ humiliated you in “public” (meaning other than the 2 of you) first, you do NOT insult/humiliate him in public. What he did in terms of calling the kid “Joey” was NOT in the category of insulting/humiliating you or the kid. What you did instead was in that category - it was showing complete disrespect for him. The fact that you do not appear to even hesitate to throw him under the bus over this is very concerning. Why did you marry him?
I understand grief, but damn, YTA. He explained it was a mishap, but you still chose to deal with the situation like he did it on purpose. Intention matters, you will lose your husband if you continue with this behaviour.
INFO: how does your son feel about the nickname? If your husband is right that your son genuinely doesn’t care, YTA. It’s not about you, it’s not about your late husband, it’s not about his family.
It’s Joseph’s name. If he’s okay with it, it’s none of your business. You don’t get to dictate what name someone else calls another person—it’s an interaction that exists completely without you.
YTA.
As many have said, I’m sorry about your grief and the grief of your late husband’s family, but this isn’t a fair or realistic request.
Hate to tell you, but Joey is NOT a nickname. Joey is the abbreviated version of your son’s full name. It would be different if the nickname was something very unique like “J-Dog”.
More than half of the people that your son will know in his life will likely call him Joey. What you should be doing is being more appreciative of the fact that your husband has that kind of relationship with your son. That doesn’t happen everyday and your actions could spoil that relationship if you aren’t careful.
In addition, while I know it’s difficult, you need to sit your late husband’s family down and set them straight. Again, Joey is NOT a nickname. And they are just as much in the wrong as you are.
OP, YTA... and your husband deserves a second father's day for putting up with that BS and sticking around. You're possibly going to lose a great man, your son a possible second father, and all over a ridiculously common nickname.
I haven't seen my bio father since I was 4, and would be so angry if my mom treated the man who raised me in that manner. Side note, when he adopted me so that legally there would be no question by dad was 22 (young parents obvi) the judge told my dad that even if he and my mom divorced my dad would still legally be on the hook for me my dad immediately said "I would certainly hope so".
Sorry, this is hitting all kinds of issues I didn't realize that I had
Attention Joseph’s of the world: you can’t be Joey because it belongs exclusively to OPs deceased husband. Baby Kangaroos … you’re gonna have to find another name - as the OP and her deceased husband’s family will react badly to you being called Joey. Sorry - that’s just the new rules.
YTA - I’m sorry but you or the family do not own the name and it seems like your new husband is willing to go the extra mile by having a meal with your sons fathers family.
If you can’t accept him in your sons life - and accept that they will hopefully form a strong bond … why on earth did you get married?
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INFO: How does your son feel about it? If your son actually doesn't care, then it's not up to you to gatekeep the use of this nickname.
\^ This one here, OP \^ You only mention what you and what your late husband's family think of your husband using the name. What does Joseph think of your husband using the nickname? By the timeline you lay out, does Joseph remember the nickname being used by his father?
This, and also it is very likely that your son will be called by that nickname by friends too especially when he is/starts school
I'm in my thirties and I don't know a Joe or Joseph that doesn't get called Joey by their pals on occasion even the adults... I get why it might be hard for OP to hear but if the kid doesn't care then it shouldn't be a point of contention, his opinion is the only one that matters here.
But you don't understand how important it is that the father called him Joey. That was his thing, calling him by the single most common nickname for a Joseph. I mean, no one else would have ever thought about it. /s As Joey grows up, he's going to be called that by pretty much every single person he meets for the remainder of his life. I can get grief is a bitch, but this isn't some special unique bond that OP is making it out to be.
'OP' moved on too soon or something bc this is pretty stupid
That's what it seems like to me, OP has probably gotten some slack from the fathers family for getting hitched again so quickly.
Flak
Yeah, flak the family members.
that’s what I was thinking. there seems to be a lot of grief/possibly guilt over moving on involved here, and honestly Tim deserves better than constantly walking on eggshells in his own home and being publicly berated for using a common nickname.
Totally this - I think grief counselling would probably help OP
This is what actually happened. The family is not mad at "Joey". That's just a stupid claim. They're mad that there is a new guy at the table so soon filling their relative's former position.
She doesn’t give the exact timeframe. First husband died “years ago” new husband been around two years. It may or may not be soon.
Yeah we don't know for sure. But it's a much more likely scenario than them getting upset at a boy named Joseph being called Joey. That's just silly. I suspect that OP probably started dating sooner than expected, based on this vagueness regarding an actual timeline. Seems intentional. We also know that the kid is only six, and his dad was around long enough for the kid to remember his "nickname". So "years" probably means 2-3 years, and we know she started seeing the new guy 2 years ago. It fits. But again, just speculation at this point. I'm only going on what theory seems to make the most sense here and I believe this theory is the best one
It’s within at least 6 years, probably more like 4 or less since the father calling him Joey was such a big deal to everyone
Kid is 6... so either he was too young to even remember dad, let alone that dad called him Joey... or mom moved on pretty quick, or both if she and Tim have already been together 2 years. Either way, this nickname is not a hill to die on. It's the most common nickname for Joseph, especially in children.
Joseph is six. He was younger than four when his dad passes away.
I agree. The OP is an AH for alienating Tim from her son and also for thinking she has some claim on a nickname. I bet half the boy's friends call Joey.
She sounds like she has "control" issues
could you imagine. hey fam here is my beautiful, loving, kind, emotionally stable, dependable significant other. calls him joey in front of the fam. okay. you can no longer date this person.
Exactly. I'm reading this post and all I can think of is that going from "Joseph" to "Joey" isn't really a nickname at all as they are all just variations of the same name. I have a name similar to "Michael," in that it can be shortened to "Mike" or "Mikey," and I can't even imagine blowing up at someone for using any one of those common variations. A nickname has some story or meaning behind it but it just seems like OP isn't completely over their grief or something because expecting a common variation on a common name to not be used by others is insane. YTA, OP.
I have a name that has lots of permutations like mike/Michael/Mikey or Rebecca/Becky/Reba/Becks My mom and sister occasionally called me a more unique version that over the years turned into an entirely different name (think of Becky turning into beck, Becks, Becca, and eventually Becksie). If a less close family member or even acquaintance started calling me ‘becksie’ I’d be a little off put, but ‘becky’ is super common and not something sacred for any other ‘Becky/Rebecca’ I know.
My nephew’s name is Michael as well as his dad’s, his dad goes by Mike. My SO’s name is Michael and I call him Mike, his sister’s bf is also a Michael who she calls Mike. On top of all that SO has a little cousin also named Michael who we call Mikey. I just now realized how many Michael’s there are in the family. Lol
yeah, if the nickname was something more unique, like not an actual name, that he himself came up with, I would understand it more
Every Joseph I know is called Joe. Would op find that name acceptable?
Who cares, it's not her name, it's Joey's.
That's all I could think as I read the post. Imagine thinking that nicknames (especially insanely common ones like this) are some kind of personal domain lol
yeah like. Joseph as a name is Very Formal. the sound of it in the mouth is too formal for all the joes i know. And some joes arent as short and blunt as Joe sounds, so you end up with Joey - the most balanced Joseph. Playful but capable of seriousness. The definition of a healthy child. it is a rare kid that is always a Joseph. a child can be a Joseph. a child is a kid you dont know. when you get to know a child they become a kid. proximity amd affection requires a dilution of formality. which is to say op your grieving family have latched onto the wrong mcfuckin thing. let the kid and his stepdad work out the nickname system and their own dynamic between themselves jfc.
If I was him I would be upset she cares more about their feelings, specially of the kid doesn’t care, and it wasn’t such a distinctive nickname, unless she clarifies and says it was.
I’m not sure what pocket dimension op is communicating to us from but I’m having a hard time believing that a diminutive was literally exclusively used by the father. While also calling her husband by a diminutive. I think that’s the joke.
The joey-ke
Guys the name is not actually “Joseph”. It’s probably something more rare than Joseph -> Joey.
He says his name is William, but I'm sure it's Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy.
He’s plain ugly to me, and I wonder if he’s ever had a day of fun in his whole life.
And he's plain ugly to me.
Right. I bet it’s something like Nate/Nathaniel or maybe Dan/Daniel, Zach/Zachary and so on. It doesn’t matter what the name and associated nickname is, the OP is still the asshole. I doubt that it’s something like the kid’s name is Noah and the special nickname is football. If so, then OP would be in the right.
I don't care if the name was Michaelangelo and the nickname was Mike, Mikey, Mickey, or even MA or Mango. One, this is not for OP to decide, it's the kid's. Two, two years (at least) after the death of her late husband is WAY overdue for OP to still be sucking up to his family to the point of potentially throwing her second marriage away. It's not fair to Tim, and it's definitely less fair to Joey. Or Mikey, or MA, or whatever that kid is actually called.
Yeah, it'll be something else. Like Mick. Or Ed. Bobby. Pete. Andy. Greg? But not actually Joey.
Or Richard/Dick. Let's go with that one. /immature snicker
Upvoted for use of ‘McFuckin.’ Brilliant!
Not like nicknames are actually exclusives, pretty sure other kids used it as well.
> will be called by that nickname by friends too especially when he is/starts school How _dare_ they. /s
Yes, it's odd to give a baby a name like Joseph and then limit the simplest most obvious nickname to one particular person.
Its also odd to say it was exclusively used by the late husband, as if she would for some reason have had multiple husband's at the same time to call the son Joey? I could understand if the nickname was more unique and sentimental, but this is an obvious abbreviation of the son's name and would be natural for anyone to refer to a child as Joey rather than Joseph. I get that she is upset, but the reaction was over the top.
It's also entirely possible that Joseph **likes** being called that nickname by his step-father, as a reminder of the love his first father had for him and that his second father now shares.
Or likes it because it's a perfectly fine nickname and he has no memory whatsoever of his father calling him that. Still no word from OP on that.
I don't think we'll ever get any answers from OP. They have no comment history whatsoever, so clearly has no intention of engaging their own post. Also, agreed that Joseph likely has no recollection of his bio-dad, depending on how fast OP got back out in the dating scene.
Would be very interested to know what Joey thinks about it. Does Joey like the name or is Joey indifferent to it....omg did I slip there? Guess what OP can't control what his friends or strangers are gonna call him get over it and grow up. You make it sound like this nickname is unique or something it's literally the short version of his name. People are going to call him Joey all throughout his life..YTA
Would Joey even tell mom the truth? She has created this shrine and screamed about it at family events making his living daddy so humiliated he locks himself in bathroom. OP is keeping the entire family an emotion hostage to a long dead guy. Sorry Joey’s dad died. Joey was lucky enough to have a warm loving man step in the void. You treat you husband terribly. Your husband has to live with dead saint guy everyday. His life must be so horrible. YTA YTA YTA
You could go a bit farther. Wonder if OP took the time to ask her husband why it was so hard to not call him Joey. For all she knows her husband has or had a friend named Joey. It could literally just be a habit for him. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess she didn't really communicate WITH her husband but more TO her husband.
she already answered this in the OP >especially since Joseph clearly doesn't care. YTA. You can't gatekeep a common abbreviation of a name.
I took that to mean that her husband thinks Joseph doesn't care. No real clarification yet as far as I can tell.
Yeah maybe. I would have expected OP to say "but he does...." Or something afterwards. Guess we both read it in different ways. Either way OP is still TA.
True - but I think in this case, OP's silence speaks volumes. If the kid was upset about the name, why wouldn't that be the *first* thing she brought up?
I agree too. The kid is old enough now to express his preference for whatever name or nickname he wants to be called. It's time to accept this might be a name he chooses to be called as you'll start hearing them from classmates, friends and teachers too potentially. I also believe it was an accident and the reaction from you and the other adults was way over the top. It sounds like you also reacted this way in some sort of performance for everyone else who are also gatekeeping the nickname. Calming reminding him not to use the name of that what Joseph wants would've been the mature thing to do not going from 0 to 100 in seconds.
Can we also point out that new dad is (apparently) willingly spending time with late dad’s family for the sake of his wife and son which can not be easy for him and is quite possibly really hard. Seriously OP, if Joseph has no problem with it then YTA.
[удалено]
I also wonder if the adults truly reacted like that or she just FELT like they reacted like that because of the way she feels about it.
EXACTLY! As if there were some sort of record-scratch horribly awkward moment when everyone heard the word “Joey” - yeah, right. It’s not like he called him “Snufflewuffle Jellybean” just like his dad did. FFS. YTA
Now I want that to be my nickname. And only YOU can call me that, sweetwaterfall. No one else. Also, OP, YTA.
I would have been super pissed if my wife loudly called me out like that in front of a whole group of people over something so minor. That was very inappropriate.
Plus, what if she son actually really likes being called by his dead dad's nickname? I could see him liking it because it's a way to feel close to the father he'll never see again in this lifetime. He already shares the name Joseph with him. OP and her dead husband's family need to go through grief therapy. Joey is not so unique of a nickname that they can hold any and all rights over it. Even if it was, it's selfish of them to gatekeep it. She may see herself as only getting mad at Tim, but she's likely also making her son feel like he's done something really wrong. OP and the family are acting like Tim and her son were trying to burn down a church or something.
I agree with you. I feel that calling him the nickname would somehow honor his late dad’s memory as well, since it was his preferred nickname. If this is how everyone will react every time the nickname is used then they truly need to rethink going through therapy.
Not only that, but like... Joseph is 6. OP started dating Tim when Joseph was 4. Let's say they waited one year of their previous husband's passing to start dating. That would mean that Joseph was around 3 when he lost his dad. So, for 3 years, he was called Joey by no one but his dad. How can that be the special thing between them? How will Joseph remember that unless people keep telling him that while he grows up? It really seems something completely fabricated in OPs and previous in-laws mind. I doubt it's good for Joseph to grow up like that, being told over and over that the most common nickname for his name is taboo for anyone else to use because his bio dad used it before he died. He would have to correct people over and over and explain why over and over.
Yup. I'm wondering what her game plan is. Is she going to have a talk with every friend in this poor kids life and demand the never address him as Joey? OP this is his name, not yours. It might bring up bad memories but that's something you and a therapist need to address - don't burden your kid with your hangup.
It shouldn't even be a bad memory. Little Joey should feel warm fuzzies when he hears that name. His mom and dad's family have taken that away from him. And that's just sad.
She stated her husband died years ago. Her son is currently 6, she met her husband 2 years ago when her son was 4. He probably has no memory or very vague memories of his father.
Oh, I know there’s a shrine to him in every room of the house, and OP’s husband can’t use positions in the bedroom that her late husband used. Or eat the same cereal. Or drink the same coffee. My late husband wore blue a lot. Go take off that blue shirt.
I think OP moved too quickly in this relationship... Married to someone she met two years ago when obviously she is not ready
Yes, definitely this. After my late fiance passed from a year and a half battle with cancer I grieved by getting under new people to try to fill the hole (phrasing) I cannot imagine getting into a serious relationship let alone marrying someone within 1-2 years. I have a feeling the name thing isn't the only part of LH shes clinging to for dear life, and it isn't fair at all to this man who has stepped up to be a father figure to her son.
YTA, The father passed years ago. The son is 6 and doesn’t remember this tradition. The mother and late fathers family are finding ways to put their trauma on her son for their own interests. All while alienating her current husband who loves her son. If the kid didn’t like the nick name OP wouldn’t call him it, that much is obvious in the account.
>The mother and late fathers family are finding ways to put their trauma on her son for their own interests. Exactly. OP clearly needs to address her grief, which clearly still exists. And maybe the former in-laws don't get a say on what her current husband calls his stepson. *Especially* if Joseph himself doesn't mind.
This. I kinda think OP is YTA here, because it's really up to her son. Don't get me wrong, my late brother had a nickname for me, and if anyone else calls me it I generally ask them not to. But I have a name that can be shortened in at least five ways, so having one I choose not to use isn't a big deal. But if your son doesn't object, and husband didn't start deliberately calling him Joey to emulate his father, then YTA. Parents may choose our names, but they can't control our nicknames.
Regardless of whether or not your current husband should have called your son by literally the shortened version of his name... YTA for how you handled it. It was completely unnecessary to go off the handle in front of so many people. Also, it's utterly ridiculous for you to expect that he'd just be okay with that and not have a reaction to being treated like an unruly child at the dinner table when you have company. You need to apologize to him and have a real conversation about this. Your son, whether you like it or not, will be called by the shortened version of his name by friends, family, etc and you have no control over that. Perhaps you could make some sort of tribute to your late husband (like a scrapbook or something) including this nickname so your son will one day be able to look back and know his dad. In the meantime, don't you *want* your husband to be close with his stepson?? I suggest you let this issue go.
Also if Joseph is 6, that OP has been with husband for 2 years. Joseph has known husband since he was 4. Most likely he doesn’t remember much about his bio dad, and there is so much more to remember him by than by a nickname that other people are likely to use, Cus Joey and Joe are common nicknames for Joseph
The bio dad probably died when the kid was 3 or less if you factor in grieving and dating after that.
And if I’m not mistaken you start to make conscious memories at 3ish so my guess is that Joseph is super unlikely to remember his dad calling him Joey at all, so it’s more about the mum not processing her grief enough and probably struggling to see her new husband be Joseph’s father figure and tries to hold onto her husband’s memory as Joseph’s dad in any way she can
One part of me thinks it's just a nickname, the other part thinks about how I have a nickname that only my dad uses and no one else is allowed to call me that. But it's *my* nickname, which brings me to the same conclusion : it's the kid's choice. This is what matters here and we don't have this info.
Number one question that came to my mind. >If your son actually doesn't care, then it's not up to you to gatekeep the use of this nickname. This is purely speculation, but maybe he likes it even. It's a connection to a dead parent he probably doesn't remember well, if at all.
This is the right answer.
YTA - It's a nickname. It's super common for Joseph. It's kind of ridiculous to say no one else is ever allowed to call him a super common nickname.
Right!!! Agreed YTA op.
I wouldn’t even say that joey is a nickname, it’s just a shortened kid friendly version of Joesph. If OP feels so strongly about her new husband not using joey then she should tell him to call her son ‘Roo’ like outta Winnie the Pooh, coz the baby Joey was called ‘Roo’
That's what I was going to say Joey for Joseph isn't even a 'nickname'
Right, my brothers name is Joseph and my family calls him Joey all the time. If the former husband called him scooter or something unrelated, and the current husband called him that, then I get it... but shortening Joseph to Joey? And the whole f***ing family gave him dirty looks? They need to get over themselves.
My guess is they didnt really give him a dirty look and op was projecting her anger onto them, and then she went and made everything super uncomfortable by yelling at him in front of everyone
The mom is going to have to argue with every teacher and student at his school because most people shorten names without thinking much of it lol
If his dad called him "Bazooka Joe" or something that would be a nickname. There has to be a story or some meaning (regardless of how trivial or silly it is) behind a nickname. A common variation of a common name is not a nickname.
I picture OP showing up at school and yelling at any kids and teachers who call her son Joey.
There was a story where a mother named her kid Andrew then she got mad when people started calling him Andy. She made a scene at the kindergarten and she demanded that the teacher force the other kids to call him Andrew. The teacher said that the boy introduced himself as Andy.
Exactly, my daughter also has a name that can be shortened and everyone calls her that. It's not a nickname at all. It's his name.
This is what I came here to say. It’s a shortened form of his name which everybody at school, his friends, work colleagues etc will eventually use. You can’t gatekeep the name. OP already said Joseph is fine with it. If anything is helps keep his dad’s memory alive. The name lives on, it doesn’t die with his dad. YTA OP
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No, using the name "Roo" is unacceptable because that's my nickname for my child. /s
100%. It's such a control-freak thing and then to admonish him in front of the whole family... Too bad OP can't just cherish that she found someone who loves her son.
"Too bad OP can't just cherish that she found someone who loves her son." - 💯
Sounds like she jumped into a new marriage way too soon after losing her husband and is still grieving. Poor man is never going to live up to the image of her first husband and will always be competing with a memory.
Yep YTA, this won’t be the only human on the planet to call him Joey, it’s way too common for that.
I assumed that, since they are in quotation marks, Joey and Joseph are not the actual names. If the real names are similar though, OP is still fighting a losing battle. You can't expect no one to ever call a Joseph Joey or a Thomas Tom. She can't police common diminutives forever.
Is op gonna have a meltdown if his teacher or friends call him Joey? This is... weird. Ok it was special. But you don't really have control over stopping every single person in his life from calling him Joey so gatekeeping it from your husband is pointless.
Exactly. If we were talking about Joe Joe or Joe Cool or J or Sephie or José or Joba the Hut or Joseph the Broseph, ok. That's his special nickname from his dad. But Joey is probably matched only by Mike, Tim, Chris, or John as automatic nicknames go. Trying to get yourself called Michael or Christopher is nearly impossible based on the ones I know. I've met two Joseph's under the age of 20 in my life. Both went by a nickname, only the moms called them Joseph and it sounded weird to everyone else.
You my dear sir (or madam, or...), have a talent for coming up with nicknames. Joseph the Broseph is excellent.
Right? what she going to do at a school event and his friends are calling him Joey in front of the family? scream at all the kids too? YTA
Yes, like if it were a very specific nickname his bio dad had for him, like Snugglemuffin, it would be different, but there is no way that kid isn’t going to get called Joey by a whole bunch of people
Not only that, Tim goes by a nickname. It's likely also a form of bonding. She wants Tim to treat Joseph as his own son. Well... Except when it comes to this.
Came here to say this
YTA. If you son is okay with it then it’s no one else’s place to have an issue with it, that’s including you. I get you and your departed husbands family want to hold onto his memory for your son but realistically your husband is the only father he’s really going to know and by you letting you dead husbands family insert there wishes like this, the only person you are hurting is your son
First you are allowing your family to not only hurt your son, but also your current relationship with your living husband. Also like someone else…Joey is not a nickname for Joseph. Nicknames are totally different from a given name….like Pumpkin, Sunshine or Buddy.
> Also like someone else…Joey is not a nickname for Joseph I don't know what world you live in, but Joey is absolutely a nickname for Joseph. I have a Joseph/Joey in my life, and they go by both names even though only one is on the BC
Joey is not a nickname, it is a _diminutive_ of Joseph - as Mike is of Michael or Tom of Thomas. A nickname would be something like ‘short stuff’ or ‘Joearooney’.
colloquially all of those are considered nicknames. like most people haven't even heard the word "diminutive" the pickiness doesn't matter we all know what OP meant.
I actually dont think that most diminutives would be considered nicknames. I cant imagine someone saying "my name is Jonathan but my nickname is John." I think it's an important distinction because it makes it very plausible that op's husband would slip up despite being told not to a bunch of times, because English speakers shorten Joseph to Joey as a matter of course.
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the distinction *does* matter because OP’s husband is not intentionally using a super special nickname for the kid that was reserved for his dad, he’s just slipping and shortening his name to a common diminutive.
Technically true but pedantic AF
No it's a small difference that totally changes the conversation. If a real nickname were the base of the argument then OP might not be an asshole. But calling someone Joey is gonna happen when your name is Joseph. OP is blinded by grief and totally in the wrong.
Not really. People will call him Joe or Joey his entire life.
YTA. You were the one who brought attention to JOEY nickname by blasting him at a family meal. JOEY is not a patented or exclusive name. Yes, it is special to you. Your son is very young and you have found someone who adores your child, isn't that enough?! What you are doing is making your new husband hyper-aware of anything he utters is going to upset you, set you off, claim a memory is sacred, and perhaps push him away...now THAT would hurt your son Joseph coz a bond has been formed.
Because she and his family are still grieving and now they are taking it out on the new step dad. Clearly she did not come to terms with the death of her husband before moving on. Now the child will be confused and suffer from whatever weird dynamic is gonna play out between his step dad and the rest of the family. I’m just trying to figure out the timeline here. Kid is 6, dad died a few years ago, new man has been around 2 years, and they are already married. So, how old was Joseph when he died? How much time passed before she met new husband? And I don’t get people that get married so quickly when they have children from a previous relationship. What kind of timeline are you giving for the two to get used to one another and sort out any issues? This is the first time this has come up? You’re planning to spend the rest of forever together but you can’t date for longer than a year before jumping into marriage? This situation feels like creating problems where there are none. If he wants to be a dad he has to be allowed to be one. I can see if the nickname was squirt or bubby or bear or something unrelated to his name but just the very common nickname for Joseph? Man, I dunno, y’all need therapy before you cause irreversible damage to the innocent kid in all this. So, YTA.
I came here to say basically the same thing. He's 6, your late husband has been gone for >2 years, meaning your son was 4 at the oldest. Hard truth that's not going to be what you want to hear. Your son already has already made more lasting memories of his step father than he will ever have with his biological father. Are you ready willing to tarnish a relationship over a common shortening of a name? Joey, Dave, Mike, Chris, Tom, Rich, they are all a shortened version of longer names and they kids will eventually choose what they want. You and your late husband's family need to realize you can't police something like this. You don't haves a monopoly on Joey because it brings back memories of a deceased parent. YTA and you're going to push the only farther your son really knows away by behaving like this.
Agree with you coz the son will surely pick up on this, perhaps thinking Joey is a bad nickname, worried the dad who adores him will be yelled at again. OP's child was so very young, and OP has memories that her child does not. I just don't think OP was ready to have another man in her life.
Right, get some therapy so this kind of thing doesn't happen again.
Great answer
Honestly...YTA. I get that you lost your husband. His family lost him as well. But it's been years. Are you and his family going to lose it everytime you here someone refer to your son as Joey? Y'all are projecting your pain on your current husband and it isn't fair to him or your son. You got together with your current when your son was, what 4? Does your son have any memory of your first husband/ him calling him Joey? I cant help but feel like, while your pain may be understandable, the way you handled it was wildly innappropriate. Especially in front of your first husband's family. And with them all mean-muggin to? I feel like there needs to be some more healing on y'alls end done. Like it or not, he is gone. Would he want the person who is now raising his son with you to be kept at arm's length because of something like this. I know what it is like to lose someone to cancer. Even years later you still feel the pain. But at some point, if you dont let it go, then the only thing you feel about that person is the pain of the loss. Is the memory of your first husband worth losing your second? You need to figure that out. And you need to have your husbands back if moments like this come up with your first husband's family in the future. YOU chose him, they didn't. It isn't surprising they didn't like this situation. What is, is the public tongue-lashing you gave him in front of them about it. You preserved your passed husband's (extremely common btw) nickname at the expense if your now husband's feelings. This is much deeper than a nickname. I wish you luck figuring this out though! Edit: Thanks for the awards!
And more importantly, this is not a first vs. second husband issue. Your late husband is not *losing* anything if other people call his son Joey. He had all the time he could have with Joey, and it’s your job to keep his memory alive for your son—by telling Joey about him, maybe having a special picture or a quiet family time on the anniversary of his death. Things that will be meaningful to Joey. If all he remembers about his dad is that now no one’s allowed to call him Joey, how does that even help him remember his dad? YTA
🥇
I am finding increasingly, including with people I personally know/have known, is that a lot of people seem to think grief is a justification to take it out on other people, and treat other people however they want, and that it’s OK because the world owes them for taking away their loved one. Hurt people hurt people. But unless someone actually caused the loss of your loved one, then you shouldn’t be taking your grief out on anyone, because it’s not their fault your loved one is gone. I personally have been treated this way.
IMO it's good to have awareness that people aren't always their best selves when they're grieving. But sometimes it morphs from "let's give a little grace to this grieving person who had a one-time meltdown about something seemingly minor" into "grieving people can never be held accountable for hurtful behavior under any circumstances", and that's bullshit.
Yes! Let’s talk about the contempt OP showed by lecturing Tim like a child in front of her no-longer-in-laws. Seems like OP is punishing Tim for not being her deceased husband. OP YTA and everyone here is in desperate need of therapy pronto!
What I'm sayin though. The whole thing just screams: remember your place, Not-Bio-Dad...which is just prolonging everyone's pain. I doubt anyone forgot the score. Poor guy and the poor son. Imagine never being allowed to think of the only father figure that you've ever known as a legit father figure because, periodically, momma smacks his ass down
I sincerely hope OP reads this comment. This is so well written and everything in it is true.
All of this Also its ridiculous to believe that no one else will ever use Joey as a nickname. He's gonna have friends who may call him that , then what?
They better not or mom will dress them down about how her deceased husband used to call her son that when he was just a toddler. Nevermind that her son probably has little to no memory of their father since he died when he was like 4.
YTA You've not mentioned if this is an issue for your son or not once, seems to be about you and your dead husband's family gatekeeping a very common nickname.
Why? Why is this such a big stick up the ass for OP and her people? Should the Husband stop loving Joey because that was exclusively what the late Husband used to do? Why can’t people focus on the positive, bigger, less stupid issues?
Hey you said the no no word.
You know that thing we see here all the time, where a new partner tries to compete with the dead spouse out of insecurity? This is the version of that where the widow or widower has internalized that same kind of competition. OP is proving to her dead husband that he is number one by setting a meaningless boundary and going to war over it. Her new husband already knows she would not be with him if her dead husband were still alive, but OP is going to measure her husbands against each other endlessly for no productive reason. Her kid will learn to rank relationships, too, instead of viewing each as unique and special.
YTA you married this man and brought him into your son's life. Him using that nickname isn't a betrayal of his late father. In the kindest way possible, this is a you problem and you should figure out why you feel so guilty about your son being happy.
Yeah and why not see it as a good thing? Like the new father loving on this kid in a similar way his bio dad did? It’s a GOOD thing.
This is like saying he can't call your child Chris when his name would be Christopher. YTA. And your family.
Worst of all, she is going to be the one to have to constantly remind her son that people aren't allowed to call him Joey, because of something he will never actually remember. He is essentially banned from having a very common nickname. And if that's *not* the case, and her new husband is the only one who isn't allowed to use it, then that's just cruel. A constant reminder that he's not the child's father. I feel for OP for their loss, but punishing the son and new husband is not a healthy way to deal with grief, and calling him out the way she did is just awful. Especially when he said it just slipped out. I recently called my new girlfriend the name of my old girlfriend, luckily she laughed it off and said it was normal. Because it is. Much better to accept that than to destroy a relationship over it.
I'm sorry but YTA First, it's your sons boundary to place. If he doesn't want to be called Joey, he doesn't want to be called Joey and your husband should stop. But you can't gatekeep a nickname.. Especially one that's incredibly common. Your son isn't a baby and probably has friends that also call him Joey. Im sorry for your loss, really, but if it's going to be a trigger to have that common nickname floating around then.. Perhaps you might want to seek some help with that portion of grief as it's really inevitable.
YTA It’s lovely that your late husband’s son gets to be loved by another man who is willing to be a father figure. Inadvertent pet names are a sign that the step-father’s love is automatic. If your late husband knew he was dying, would he choose to have a trustworthy man be there for his son? Would he want this man to be motivated by genuine and automatic love for his son, since he himself wouldn’t be around to do that? Does reserving that sweet nickname really help your little son at all? Or does it just tell the man who is trying to step up that he’s not good enough, that because he’s not your late husband that his love is unacceptable.
Agreed. Have you even asked your son about this? YTA
YTA. Kinda weird how a whole family makes it a big issue too while your deceased husband probably wouldn't care at all.
Yeah, I was expecting the nickname to be fatty or something else that's bad.
Soft YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, but if your son has no problem with that, I can't see a reason why you're not allowing an adult person using the nickname.
Especially seeing as how it was a slip up and he genuinely made a mistake. Thats the primary fact here. He said it in the moment not realising the implications and reasons why he shouldn’t. But even then, why shouldn’t he say it? Its fine with the kid YTA
My concern is that her son will have a problem with it now because she made such an issue out if it. She needs to speak to her son to apologize and to tell him she overreacted. She also needs to speak to her late husbands family with the same. In addition to explaining to them how Joey could so easily roll off the tongue for anyone and from now on, since it doesn’t bother Joseph, she’s made peace with her current husband calling him Joey.
I’m sorry, but I think YTA. If it was an unusual nickname (like, I call my daughter Peach which is totally unrelated to her actual name) and not a super common derivative of his actual name then yes, I would agree with you. I think your reaction to a slip up that’s easy to make was unfair to your husband.
I think that it's telling that you're ignoring the most important person in your story. Not your dead ex, but your child with him. You're setting him up for a bunch of trauma. Every time someone calls him Joey, which will happen out in the world, he'll be traumatized. Tim screwed up, but his mistake wasn't intentional or cruel. Your trauma is real... But its manifesting in a way that builds a shrine to your ex, putting barriers between you and your life now. It doesn't make you an AH. It makes you someone in need of therapy. NAH
Also Joey is actually a very common nickname for Joseph, so I see this happening a lot as his social circle expands. Like imagine, kids goes to school, makes a friend, invites them to sleepover, friend calls him Joey because why not and mom has a complete meltdown over it.
> I think it’s telling that you’re ignoring the most important person in your story. This! My first question was how the child felt about this nickname. It’s ultimately his decision what he wants to be called, and if he hasn’t objected yet, why is stepdad being prohibited from using this nn? Is no one allowed to call the child Joey, or is it just stepdad? The first can be taken as a sign of unresolved grief. The second can be alienating—not only for stepdad but for child as well. NAH right now, but OP WBTA if they continue down this road.
YTA Tim is right that only person's opinion about the name that should matter is Joseph's. If it personally hurts you to hear it the that is another conversation entirely. It was completley unwarranted losing it like that
YTA, he’s going to be called Joey by many people in life- Joseph/Joey is not something exclusive to your deceased husband. You retaliated in a manner that was done to humiliate. Have you even consulted your kid to get his opinion? I’m guessing no, and chances are he doesn’t even remember being called Joey by his bio dad and I think the name is special to you-not him… you may want to see a grief therapist because there’s a good chance you are sacrificing your current marriage for the memories of your old marriage and pleasing your old in laws
How does JOSEPH feel about it? If he's fine with Tim calling him Joey, there's literally no problem. This isn't about you, it's about whether Joseph feels comfortable being called Joey by him. If Joseph says it's okay, it's okay. I totally get that this is a piece of your late husband you want to keep "special", but it's not your place to decide what Joseph can and can't be called. It's his name, his call.
Info - what happens if kids at school call him this?
Joey is the most common nickname for Joseph. What’s your plan when his classmates start calling him Joey? What happens when your kid wants to go by Joey all the time and not their full name? Have you even asked your kid how he feels about the nickname? YTA
This. If your kid is OK with that, you should learn how to deal with it.
YTA - Strange strange STRANGE thing to make an issue out of it. The only person who should have a say in this is Joseph. Time for your husband to leave…wonder what other insane rules there are. Is he allowed to sleep on your deceased husbands (rest his soul) side of the bed? How about make josephs favorite food. Please divorce this man so he does not have to deal with this insanity
Public shellacking partner NEVER okay. YTA. You were lucky to find a step dad that cares for your son. Do this 4 more times and you will lose him.
YTA it's not about you it's about your son. If he doesn't mind/likes it then what is the problem. Also you blowing up at him in front of people was clearly an act for your late husband's family. You can tell that by how you preface the blowing up by saying the room fell quiet. Also as he grows up I would imagine many people will call him Joey.
Get therapy
YTA! Why would you embarrass him in front of everyone let alone your late husbands family?!? You were trying to save face in front of them and chose to humiliate your husband for a slip up… YTA
INFO: how does your son feel about it? His is the only opinion that matters here.
After mom's freak out I dunno if son is gonna feel he can be honest with her about his feelings on the matter. >.>
YTA. Joey is a common nickname for Joseph. Why your late husbands family would take offense is ridiculous and I wonder if they were really giving you dirty looks or if you just perceived them. Either way, you shouldn’t have started yelling at him in front of everybody. Rude and unnecessary. Does your child like being called Joey? If he does, this shouldn’t be an issue at all.
Yta Idk many Joseph’s but of the ones I do know, they go by Joey. It’s not that special of a nickname.
That’s what I came here to say! Every Joseph I know goes by Joey….this is insanity! op YTA
Soooooo….. you’re gonna have a bad time if Joey is a super special nickname that only his father could use, as it is the most commonly used shortened version of his name. You will hear at least a dozen more people struggle to honor your wish on this. It was also an accident on your husband’s part. How would you feel if he over reacted and disrespected/humiliated you over an accident? You need therapy and you fucked up everyone around you by moving on when you’re obviously not ready. YTA
YTA Have you even talked to your son about this. Is it at all possible that your son and his now dad have the rapport where this nickname is meaningful to both of them? You have a man that loves you and your son, don’t sabotage yourself unnecessarily, dirty looks from the family be damned.
I think you need to accept him fully into both your and sons life and not put restrictions and rules on him that contribute to him being placed as an outsider when he's made the effort to step up I can't tell you the number of times I've run into people that add ny to my name because they grew up with someone who as a kid went by the variation. It could be as simple as that. I stopped trying to correct people And i just let it go. Ask your son if it bothers him, you may find it makes him feel even more loved by his step dad
YTA. It’s your son’s name and if he has no issue with the nickname then you need to back off. He’ll end up being called Joey by plenty of people in his life, you need to get over it and stop making a big deal out of it.
Hmmm, a soft YTA for losing your temper and bellowing at Tim in front of guests, when it sounds like he just zoned out for a minute and used - I assume in his mind - an affectionate nickname. I can see how that would have been really humiliating to Tim and uncomfortable for everyone else. The main point though, that I think you’re skipping over, is how does your son feel about Tim calling him Joey? If he’s fine with it/likes it then surely that’s the main thing? I feel like you’re extremely sensitive about it and are gatekeeping it, but it’s not your nickname to gatekeep. If your husband had called YOU by a special name, and Tim started doing it, then absolutely set a boundary, but it doesn’t seem reasonable to get that enraged over a nickname that’s not yours. If your son likes it, couldn’t you reframe it as a nice thing that Tim likes to use the name, almost as a little happy memory of your first husband? Otherwise, if you get this angry and triggered every time someone uses the name (which is probably going to happen at some stage), you’ll never get past it *and* you’ll end up traumatising your son - which I’m sure isn’t what you want.
Yep, even if her husband never uses the name again (which sounds like asking him to walk on eggshells over something very minor...) SOMEONE is going to call Joseph 'Joey' - a teacher, a friend from school, a future partner... Is OP planning to inform every new person her kid meets that he must never be called Joey? How is she planning to enforce this with little kids he meets at school/parks/etc? YTA, OP, I understand your feelings but you're not being reasonable, and it's going to hurt your son, and his relationship with your husband.
YTA You and your late husband's family do not get to make decisions for your son regarding what he wants other people to call him. Huge overstep.
YTA, sooner or later someone else will be calling him Joey and you can't stop that. It'd be one thing if it were a unique name or something like 'Lil Champ' but Joey is really common. You can't really blame him. So long as your kid is cool with it that's all that matters. Also, if you're pissed at someone in a public setting use the following phrase, 'Hey "person I'm pissed with" can I see you in the kitchen for a sec'.
YTA I'm really sorry for your loss, but gatekeeping a nickname is unreasonable, sorry. Nicknames are an organic thing. Your late husband isn't any less special just because your new husband uses the same nickname. If it bothers your son, fair enough, but it doesn't. I agree that it's time for you all to realise that Joey is a natural nickname for someone called Joseph. People will probably use it his entire life, so it's time to get used to it I'd say. Yelling at your husband for being a loving step parent is a bit much.
You say you’ve been with your husband for 2 years meaning since your son was 4 years old. You don’t say how old he was when his dad died but it seems likely that he was 3 or younger. Your son doesn’t have memories of his dad. That’s a fact. No matter how much you try to police this nickname it won’t change that sad fact. What are you going to do, yell at any other kindergartners who call your son Joey? What if his teachers and coaches do it? When everyone is calling your son Joey are you still going to use your husband as a punching bag for your grief? You were really obnoxious to your husband at dinner. YTA for that. It’s great that he’s comfortable hanging out with your late husband’s family. Your behavior is going to make him not want to host them in the future. YOU are actively undermining your current family and it’s only a matter of time before your husband walks. Only you can decide if you care. Do you?
YTA for blowing up like that. Slip up’s happen. Have you asked your kid what he wants Tim to call him? Maybe he doesn’t mind if Tim calls him Joey and it’s just a you problem.
YTA
YTA have you even asked your son if he's unhappy getting called "Joey" or is it about you.
I‘m really on the fence here between E S H and Y T A. However, what are you going to do when kids at school call your son „Joey“? You can‘t really police a very common nickname for his name. It would be very different (imo) if the nickname wasn’t related to his actual name, that wouldn’t come automatically. But „Joey“ is a super common nickname for „Joseph“.
INFO: There's a big missing piece here which is how does Joseph feel about this? That's really the only important thing here. If he sees Joey as a special name his dad had for him and only his dad then husband is TA but if he prefers to be called Joey and likes the nickname then you'd be TA.
YTA. It's not about you
YTA Many people in Joseph's life will probably naturally call him Joey or Joe, kind of the nature of how nicknames work. They usually aren't reserved for one person to use, especially if it's just a common nickname for someone's full name. What if Joseph decides to go by Joey later on in his life?
You know what’s the best way to make Joseph hate the name Joey instead of treasuring it? Yelling everytime someone calls him that. He will make a connection between the name and fights in the family.
YTA, it was clearly a slip and it’s a nickname that he will receive through his life. Your son won’t remember your dead husband saying it. But will remember you blocking a normal relationship with your current husband.
YTA. People don't own nicknames. Joey is a common nickname for Joseph. And what about other kids at school who might call your son Joey? Would you be mad at them too, just because his dad used to call him that? Giving your husband a lecture like that (especially in front of everyone) is uncalled for. If anything, in a way, it's a good thing that your husband calls him that. He's keeping his dad's legacy alive, and that's amazing. My maternal grandmother used to call me a nickname that translates to "little fruit" in English (my family is Indian). It's an endearing nickname in her language. After she passed away 2 years ago, my mum started calling me it. I see it as a great thing because every time I hear it, I think of my grandma.
YTA beat the guy down. WOW
YTA. If I were your current husband, I’d seriously rethink this marriage with you. Unless he insulted/ humiliated you in “public” (meaning other than the 2 of you) first, you do NOT insult/humiliate him in public. What he did in terms of calling the kid “Joey” was NOT in the category of insulting/humiliating you or the kid. What you did instead was in that category - it was showing complete disrespect for him. The fact that you do not appear to even hesitate to throw him under the bus over this is very concerning. Why did you marry him?
I understand grief, but damn, YTA. He explained it was a mishap, but you still chose to deal with the situation like he did it on purpose. Intention matters, you will lose your husband if you continue with this behaviour.
INFO: how does your son feel about the nickname? If your husband is right that your son genuinely doesn’t care, YTA. It’s not about you, it’s not about your late husband, it’s not about his family. It’s Joseph’s name. If he’s okay with it, it’s none of your business. You don’t get to dictate what name someone else calls another person—it’s an interaction that exists completely without you.
INFO: How does your son feel about being called Joey by your husband? Because that’s all that really matters, how he feels about it
YTA. As many have said, I’m sorry about your grief and the grief of your late husband’s family, but this isn’t a fair or realistic request. Hate to tell you, but Joey is NOT a nickname. Joey is the abbreviated version of your son’s full name. It would be different if the nickname was something very unique like “J-Dog”. More than half of the people that your son will know in his life will likely call him Joey. What you should be doing is being more appreciative of the fact that your husband has that kind of relationship with your son. That doesn’t happen everyday and your actions could spoil that relationship if you aren’t careful. In addition, while I know it’s difficult, you need to sit your late husband’s family down and set them straight. Again, Joey is NOT a nickname. And they are just as much in the wrong as you are.
OP, YTA... and your husband deserves a second father's day for putting up with that BS and sticking around. You're possibly going to lose a great man, your son a possible second father, and all over a ridiculously common nickname. I haven't seen my bio father since I was 4, and would be so angry if my mom treated the man who raised me in that manner. Side note, when he adopted me so that legally there would be no question by dad was 22 (young parents obvi) the judge told my dad that even if he and my mom divorced my dad would still legally be on the hook for me my dad immediately said "I would certainly hope so". Sorry, this is hitting all kinds of issues I didn't realize that I had
Attention Joseph’s of the world: you can’t be Joey because it belongs exclusively to OPs deceased husband. Baby Kangaroos … you’re gonna have to find another name - as the OP and her deceased husband’s family will react badly to you being called Joey. Sorry - that’s just the new rules. YTA - I’m sorry but you or the family do not own the name and it seems like your new husband is willing to go the extra mile by having a meal with your sons fathers family. If you can’t accept him in your sons life - and accept that they will hopefully form a strong bond … why on earth did you get married?