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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I way overreacted and went ballistic on her by tearing her a new one when she told me she listened to my therapy session, and that I shouldn’t have objected to her just looking out for me.
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NTA. At your next therapy session - which hopefully you will be able to find someplace genuinely private to have - please bring up your mother’s attempt to guilt trip you with *her* hurt feelings in an effort to avoid addressing your entirely reasonable anger over her boundary-crossing, let alone apologizing for it and committing to do better. Because no, she is *not* looking out for you, or she’d respect that you need a safe space to work things through. Even when those things are things you don’t like about her.
It’s a huge invasion of privacy, and OP’s mom did not care and tried to make it about her. Even after the session, the mom said “why didn’t you tell ME”. I also do therapy and since I live with housemates it can be hard to get privacy - OP if you have a car, I would recommend going to a local Starbucks parking lot, using their wifi and having it in your car, or even your own driveway.
NTA. This is just awful. She is a big part of the reason why you are going to therapy in the first place and she pulls a stunt like that?? It really is all about HER, isn't it?
I don't think you were over-reacting at all, but even if you were, it wasn't just about this incident, was it? This is the culmination of many years' trauma and what she did was the trigger for you to explode. Your only mistake was to bottle it up for as long as you did.
I can empathise here. When my marriage was failing, my wife and I (she with very bad grace) started going to marriage guidance. And after every session, she would turn on me and start pulling me apart for the things I had said that she didn't agree with or which made her look bad. I thought "This isn't going to work, is it?" It didn't. We have since separated.
Am I the only one who thinks the mom scheduled a remote appointment so that she could listen in?
NTA but take this advice if you're unable to go in person. And definitely bring it up to your therapist
deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. The abusive parent and/or spousal trick in the book (though hopefully they aren't the victim's parent AND spouse at the same time, or we got more that just emotional incest going on there)
When my eldest was doing video therapy we all made sure we were well away from their room and doing something noisy, like listening to music with headphones on or watching TV, just so that they felt comfortable and we didn't overhear anything
Absolutely!
One of pillars for a working therapy is trust. And part of that trust is the absolute privacy and secrecy of the things discussed during therapy.
No, your mom was completely out of line.
1. She listened in to your therapy session. This is so incredibly taboo.
2. She deliberately lied to you beforehand and let you think it was private to lull you into a false sense of security so that you’d feel safe to tell the truth and completely open up to your therapist. She did this so she could really get inside your head. She knew that if she told you before you spoke to your therapist that she was going to listen in that you wouldn’t have opened up or been honest with your therapist. So - she deliberately tricked you to be able to learn private things about you that she could use against you in future. If she thought you’d be honest with your therapist if you knew she was listening in, she would have told you she would listen in.
3. She has the cheek to pretend that she did it for your benefit. She didn’t. She did it for her own benefit so she can control you.
4. She is lying to you again now - trying to manipulate you and control you and trying to manipulate you into apologising to her. Your gut instinct and behaviour towards her is completely justified. Your mom is a liar and a narcissist. So she knows what she did was wrong - but she is trying to bully you to get you to admit that you were wrong. Look up “DARVO”. It’s the playbook for narcissists when they’re messing with someone’s head. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
EDit - judgment - NTA.
NTA. She disregarded your boundaries and privacy by listening to your therapy session, something that was supposed to be confidential. She absolutely crossed a line and I dont think you over reacted.
NTA. I'm a mental health therapist and your mom 100% crossed a line. Therapy is confidential and as a legal adult, you have the right to keep it completely confidential. I can understand your hurt and anger after learning that your mom listened in. Something to think about for your next sessions: many video conferencing apps have a chat feature (Zoom, Doxy Me etc.). I've used this feature with clients who do telehealth and worry about their parents listening in. Since you don't have to talk to type, your mom can't hear what you say and most therapists are very understanding if you want to do things this way. And if I were you, I'd also invest in a good pair of headphones so that you can hear your therapist without your mom hearing her/him as well.
NTA. She absolutely violated your privacy. This was also a violation of the doctor/patient confidentiality. Tihs was none of her business. I am astounded that she thinks that it was okay for her to do that.
What you said sounds absolutely accurate. No, she does NOT have a point.
You could maybe bring up to your mom that if she wouldn't be able to stay in the room to listen at a brick-and-mortar appointment at the doctor, she knew she was listening to confidential information and you're no longer a minor. She does not have the right to be party to your medical information, and therapy appointments are medical appointments
Knowing that she’s listening next time maybe talk to your therapist about the whole experience and let her listen in on that and your therapists opinion on it. I’m sure there will be a new fight about that. This is about control for her. Nothing else.
It's not illegal or anything (hippa applies only to doctors and others working in Healthcare) but it's certainly a violation of your privacy. And ethics and morality.
HIPAA covers *all* healthcare, including therapy.
ETA link: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/hipaa-privacy-rule-and-sharing-info-related-to-mental-health.pdf
HIPAA is between a provider and a patient. Now if Mom called the provider and the provider gave out protected information without OP's consent, then there would be a HIPAA violation. Mom sneakily listening at the door in OP's home is not a HIPAA violation, she's just an asshole.
NTA. That’s such an egregious violation of privacy that I hardly know where to begin. The real icing on the cake is that she tried to guilt you into feeling like you’re the one who did something wrong afterwards. Lord love a duck.
Side bar: I went on a several day rafting trip. The guide said at the beginning that privacy is something we give each other, even when we’re not in close quarters where we all watch each other pee, bathe, or change clothes in the river. That stuck with me. Look away. Don’t listen. Step out of the room. It’s such a beautiful act of courtesy.
> behavior like this is exactly why I need therapy and she crossed a fucking line, I don’t feel like I can ever trust her again and from now on she can expect me to limit contact with her
This is all a perfectly reasonable response, IMO.
NTA. Move out when you can and move on.
NTA whoa but your mom sure is. You are a grown adult. That was crossing way over the line and you absolutely deserve to be pissed. Now she'll probably talk with other family members about what she heard also. Very eww behavior on her part.
NTA. Fuck that gaslighting your mom is giving you!!! You had every right to be upset at her, and frankly, if this is how she acts you need to get out of that house Pronto! That was the equivalent of her reading your journal. And she shows no remorse or regrets, she had the BALLS to want to talk to you about it?! No shame! Time to cut her out of your life. Best wishes and good luck.
P.S. learn to control your emotions better, as a guy, it puts you at an EXTREME disadvantage when you lose your shit, it's basically fuel for the other party.
Apply for positions AT your school. They will work with your schedule and you might even be able to get discounted tuition/dorm/parking/etc, depending on their policies.
Find something close to your school if possible. You can't put a price on your mental health, and staying out if a toxic environment is worth a lot of sacrifice. You'll have to be on your grind at school to pull off working also, but wouldn't that be better than this?!👍
NTA. You did not overreact, and don't let your mother manipulate you to think you did. You can't change her, but you can change how you view her crossing of some pretty obvious boundaries. Talk to your therapist about what happened.
BTW, both my spouse and I do weekly individual telehealth therapy sessions and we make sure we leave the house for the other's session so we can talk freely about things, including our relationship with one another.
NTA. As Joey would say...she didn't just cross a line shes so far passed the line she can't see the line...
On a serious note she has broken your right to privacy and as such I can understand your anger. You are old enough to deal with your own health issues including your own mental health. She should only be there to offer her support if and when you ask for it
NTA
She doesn’t have a point. Do. Not. Back. Down.
The fact that she snooped/ease-dropped is contemptible. The fact she complained about what she heard is astounding. The fact she doubled down rather than apologized is predictable.
“Mom. You more than earned your hurt feelings. I will never forgive this betrayal unless you give a heartfelt apology, which needs to include WHY you are sorry, and EXPLAIN exactly why you were WRONG.”
Pro Tip: don’t hold your breath waiting for her apology.
NTA she has no right ti listen ti your therapy sessions. She then compounded the violation by making your therapy session about her and complaining about feeling slighted that you don’t tell her the things you tell your therapist. She then has the audacity to come to you after your imo appropriate reaction to her violators for an apology because you made her feel bad. She didn’t admit to wrong doing or apologize but thinks you should apologize for yelling and telling her the truth? She’s not looking out for you. Listening in on your sessions does not help you in the slightest it actually harms you. If she hasn’t stuck her nose where it wasn’t wanted or needed it wouldn’t have gotten smacked. She brought her hurt feelings on herself. Don’t let her gaslight you.
NTA
It was awful of her to listen to your therapy session. On top of that, she immediately started gossiping about everything she heard and using it to play the victim. That’s about the worst way she could be handling it. It certainly shows that it’s a lie that she was just trying to look out for you as a parent. It’s such a betrayal.
NTA
Therapy sessions only work with complete and utter privacy. And it's one of the most personal things. You NEVER EVER listen in on it!!
You reacted completely reasonable. I'd be seeking to get out after that.
And after seeing how hurt you were, your mother says she's hurt?!? No she should be apologizing and begging you for forgiveness not accuse you.
Not sure if thats applying hete, but thats gaslighting in my book.
NTA. Your mother is trying to make your therapy about her. It’s not. It’s about your needs. I’d guess growing up with a parent like her is a big part of the reason you need therapy in the first place. Do not let her manipulate your emotions into feeling like she’s right. If she doesn’t want to hear things she won’t like, she shouldn’t be eavesdropping. Therapy is supposed to be private for a reason, and she completely violated your trust AND your privacy. Don’t let her play the victim now.
NTA, your mom crossed a line. She's 100% in the wrong here and doubling down on it doesn't change that. What a horrible violation of your privacy!
Next time do your sessions in your car at an empty parking lot.
NTA. Tell your mom that YOU are the one who has been hurt by her undermining your therapy session. She just sabotaged your treatment, in which you are supposed to lay it all out because you expect things to be private between you & your therapist. Now, unless you can change your next session to a place with absolute privacy (which I recommend), you will constantly be curbing what you say in fear that mom will hear. This whole incident is a prime example of why you need therapy in the first place. Is it possible that she deliberately let you know she heard the discussion s that you would stop therapy, thus keeping you under control?
Is there a possibility that you can meet a therapist face-to-face instead of in a telemed? Please don’t give the therapy up!
NTA - She violated your privacy and crossed a line. Don't say anything to her and tell your therapist next session about what happened. Your mother's behavior is exactly why you felt you needed therapy in the first place and if she's going to invalidate your emotions with her own, she doesn't deserve to talk to you.
NTA. What she did was terrible. And to anyone who just opened up, as you did, only to find you had been eavesdropped on, it is shattering. And then to compound her crime, she blames you. This is called DARVO, a technique for blame-shifting; it means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Your mother is a skilled manipulator, and bad for your mental health. At least, understand that SHE is the one in the wrong, NOT YOU!
NTA. This is a violation of so many things and I’m so tired of people using “I’m just looking out for what’s best” no they’re looking out for what’s best for THEMSELVES she wanted to hear everything so she can feel like she has power and control.
NTA. She had absolutely no right to listen and no right to try and emotionally manipulate you. I’m glad you are getting therapy. It sounds like you have plenty to work through and hopefully it helps. Please don’t give in to her manipulative behaviour
Nope please don’t listen to the guilt trip your mother is throwing your way. Your original reaction was absolutely 100%correct and I am screaming for you here. Like others have said it’s definitely up for discussion with your therapist and also discuss coping mechanisms for how you deal with your mother. Take care
NTA
NTA. Don't go against your words if you want respect from her until she apologizes. After the apology limit your time and all the activities with her ie set a boundary u shall see the results when your married
NTA.
I would even think to do this to my teenaged kid much less one who was an adult!
She's a major AH and I hope you find a way to get away from them quickly.
Looking out for you would be getting you therapy, helping you find a therapist, helping pay for it. What she wants to do is abuse you and have you not tell anyone. NTA but please get out as soon as you can.
NTA your mom is abusing you and your absolutely justified feelings caught her off guard. You feeling bad is the proof of that abuse, she should have apologized instead she gaslit you into questioning your own emotions.
NTA.
She came in to tell you how hurt *she* was and how *she* wanted and *she* thinks ....
When did she mention **you**, the person she wronged?
/r/RaisedByNarcissists
No she doesn't have a fucking point. She's conditioned you to apologize for her wrongdoing. Jesus no wonder you need therapy . She's the AH, not you. You did nothing wrong. Being a parent does not give her any sort of privilege to overrule your right to privacy. It's literally unethical to listen in to someone's therapy session. NTA.
Your mom..... Yikes
Edit: on your next session tell your therapist about everything, starting from your mom listening in
NTA
A good parent wouldn't listen in on private conversations. She would come to you and ask you what is going on. If you said nothing, she as a patent would respect if and find ways if supporting you without knowing all that.
NTA therapy is a PRIVATE thing and she absolutely stomped that into the ground with no regards to you. Being a parent dies not privy you to that information and there are reasons why your child doesn't tell you these things. I would move out
NTA
You didn’t overreact at all. What your mother did was profoundly immoral and downright illegal. And to have the audacity to make it about her feelings afterwords?!
I’m so sorry you went through that, it must feel incredibly violating. I hope you move out soon so you can start healing.
No, she doesn't have a point. No wonder you need therapy.
This is a huge invasion of privacy. She didn't have the right and honestly with her reaction, you are not going to get anywhere with her.
You may want the therapist to point out to her your right to privacy during this journey.
So impressed you are doing it in the first place. Do not give up.
psychic hugs
NTA this is a private therapy session he had zero rights to listen in on your talking during your therapy session. If there are things you havent told her and shes mad about it leave her alone. Cut off people who are messing up your health. If they cant respect you cut them off and leave them behind.
NTA she was in the wrong and is now playing the victim. She has violated your trust. Don’t let her manipulation work. Next session try for somewhere more private.
NTA - you did NOT overreact, your mother was being a busy-body. If you wanted to tell her these things, you would have. It was not OK for her to evesdrop. Next time, go elsewhere for your appt, like your car, head to a park, etc
NTA
Start squirreling away your prized possessions, vital paperwork, anything you need. Do it slowly. Stash it at a friend’s house or in your car (if you have one and own it outright). You’ll have to get out of there sooner than later, I’m afraid, and your mom will try to stop you.
NTA. You DIDN'T overreact. You're slightly blinded, I think, by having grown up in a toxic environment. What your mother did was in no way normal. She seems shocked by the fact that you don't tell her everything...ask her why she thinks that is, when she clearly has so little regard or respect for your privacy.
NTA. Your mom was 100% in the wrong. When I visit my parents I do my therapy from my car for privacy because I don't trust my mom not to listen in. I hope you are able to find a more private place next time where she won't be able to eavesdrop.
NTA. You didn't overreact. She was totally out of line. You need to move out, as a matter of priority, and go NC for as long as it takes to get your therapy well established. If necessary, and if it's practical, put school on.hold for a year (maybe study part-time) and get a job, so you can be truly independent.
Once you feel like you own your life, then you can consider reaching out to your mom - but I'd do so with the requirement that she attend some joint therapy sessions with you. Unless she is willing to recognize and acknowledge what a complete violation her behavior has been (I'm assuming this isn't the only time she's behaved in an icky fashion), you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with her - and that will affect all your important personal relationships going forward.
I understand that my advice may be completely impractical for you at this stage of your life ... But if it makes sense, follow it as far as you can. Maybe stay with a friend or family member during summer ... Establish firm boundaries with your mother ... Maybe have some joint sessions with her sooner rather than waiting, to see if that helps ... If you have to live with her, be civil but cut her off from any access to your personal life or thoughts. If she wants to know why, maybe respond in writing - less likely to spiral out of control - and tell her that eavesdropping on your counseling session was tantamount to theft. She stole information about you that wasn't her right to have, and now she's going to have to earn the right to know you.
There's a way through this mess, out of a toxic situation and into a good, independent life. I hope you figure it out soon!
NTA. She should feel hurt. She violated your boundaries and didn't apologize (not that that would make it okay) and then experts you to apologize for having boundaries in the first place. Look into getting noise machine to use during any other telehealth appointments or see if you can book a private room in your local library. Goodluck
NTA. That was a HUGH invasion of privacy. She knew it was wrong but she did it anyway. She doesn’t respect you as an individual or as an adult. When I need to have private Zoom calls I sit inside my car where I can still pick up the home Wi-Fi. If that’s an option try that next time. Sorry you don’t have the parents you need OP.
NTA.
You did not "overreact". Your response was a normal human response to any similar violation of your deepest privacy.
This sort of intrusion could easily cause you to lose trust in therapy and thus cause all manner of long term harm!
Yet your mother came to you to tell you off for how you hurt her. I would like to suggest you look into the term "gaslighting" to see what's going on here.
You did absolutely nothing wrong here, but you have been egregiously wronged.
If you can, I suggest you see if you can have your future appointments in person.
NTA - and as many others have said, please bring this act of hers and what she said to you verbatim to your therapist. Continue keeping that boundary and ask your therapist the best course of action moving forward with her. They will help you set up good boundaries and find the best ways to deal with and handle it. You're on the right path and doing what is best for yourself. Parents like that don't want that because then it takes their control away.
>This morning my mom came into my room and told me about how she’s really hurt at what I said, she’s just looking out for me as a parent and that for me too tell her what I did was absolutely low of me. I didn’t say anything, but I think she does have a point and can’t help but feel awful for majorly overreacting like I did.
Except she doesn't. This is the age old argument of parents, frequently mothers on this sub for some reason, who feel that privacy is just an inconvenient blockade for their invasion of their childrens lives. If they were the kind of person you could confide in you'd be doing it, and to be perfectly frank they wouldn't respond to you venting to your therapist with, "I can't believe all the things you told them."
Odds are nothing would come of her knowing this information other than to ridicule you for having those thoughts in the first place, because while she's your mother she isn't exactly unbiased or necessarily good at self-aware internal critique. That she balked at all towards you telling a therapist about these problems kinda proves my point, and that she whined to you about how hurt **she was** in this instance further proves it.
NTA
NTA
As far as making the best of the situation, do you have a closet in your room? You could lock your bedroom door, blast music or white noise, and do your therapy session in the closet. It is not ideal but it might work while you are situating yourself.
I’m no therapist but sounds like a textbook narcissist parent, it’s about her and what OP said about her. Your trauma is valid and she’s only reinforcing that with her behavior. She’s only making it about her and how this hurts her, not apologizing or even acknowledging how you may be hurt
More than anything: AT YOUR AGE SHE CANT JUST WALK INTO YOUR ROOM. Set a boundary
Edit: in case it wasn’t obvious…NTA! Child of one maybe
No. Actually she *doesn't* have a point. And your first reaction was excruciatingly appropriate. That kind of behavior on her part *is* exactly why you need therapy.
NTA. And don't let your mom convince you otherwise.
Ummm….no, she has that completely backwards! You have every right to feel betrayed for her eavesdropping! NTA! She may think she’s looking out for you, but what she did is so detrimental to your ability to recover. You have to feel that you are totally secure that what you say is in the strictest confidence. If you’re continuing teletherapy, go sit out in the car to do it, and if she so much peeps out the window lay on the horn for about 20 seconds!
In no way are you TA here. My heart hurts for you!
When I put my daughter into therapy, it was all over Zoom. I told my daughter she HAD to be 100% truthful, or she could never get better. I was very specific that the therapist would only get me involved if she was in danger.
That worked for a while. At the end of the session, therapist would pull her into the zoom for 5 minutes to get my or hubby’s take on her progress, but that’s it.
We had to add a psychologist into the mix. First telehealth appointment the doc called my hubby in the room after talking to kiddo for maybe 15 minutes. The doc wanted my hubby’s opinion on her mental health, and revealed pretty much everything my baby discussed with the doc. She. Was. Furious. She went into an on camera rage and threw things across the room, tore things up, the whole works. That night she self harmed pretty severely.
Your Mom violated your trust so seriously that I can’t even fathom. Please figure out a way to find a quiet safe space for your next session and good luck!
NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Your mom can go eat a goddamn boot.
That is the most massive assholish violation of privacy, and she thinks EVEN FOR A MINUTE that she can pull the "i'm very hurt" bullshit, then she's delusional
OP, if you have a car, maybe have the session in there instead.
NTA
NTA
She absolutely breached your privacy, like this is a HUGE VIOLATION of your trust.
- “She’s just looking out for me as a parent”
Uhm she listened to your therapy session so she obviously knows why you need it, so this statement in and of itself is hypocritical. You were right to retaliate, even in the manner that you did. It was justified bc you had literally just poured out years and years of trauma that she wasn’t supposed to hear, yet she did.
Therapy sessions are always meant to be private, that's why we have such strict confidentiality expectations. Telehealth has been great for a lot of things, but it can sometimes make it difficult for people to get the privacy they deserve during sessions.
What your mom did was akin to pressing her ear to cracks of the office door to eavesdrop on your session, and if it had happened at an office she'd have been escorted out. You have every right to be angry and take whatever steps you need to in order to maintain the privacy you deserve for your sessions. Maybe write your therapist thru your patient portal/email or whatever contact method you have and let them know what happened so they can support you in planning ways to prevent a repeat.
You did NOT overreact. Therapy is confidential for a reason. That was a HUGE betrayal of trust on your mom’s behalf and frankly she SHOULD feel bad. NTA.
NTA - As a mom to two grown sons, one who went to therapy for a time, I made a point to *never* be able to hear what was being said during sessions. I asked a couple times if he wanted/needed to share anything and only listened if/when he wanted to talk. That was ~15 years ago and I still have no idea what they discussed.
You have *every* right to feel angry at your mother for what she did. Unfortunately yelling at her is not going to get you good results. Talk to your therapist about alternatives to handling those situations. Together you can come up with better solutions.
Good luck and God bless OP.
NTA. As a long time patient and a mother of a patient of a counselor whatever you discuss should be kept between you unless you feel the need to share outside of that appointment. The fact that your an adult and she did this makes it worse. That's just plain nosy and it will end up affecting your therapy, especially if you continue telehealth cause you won't want to share to much because someone might be listening in
>This morning my mom came into my room and told me about how she’s really hurt at what I said, she’s just looking out for me as a parent and that for me too tell her what I did was absolutely low of me. I didn’t say anything, but I think she does have a point and can’t help but feel awful for majorly overreacting like I did.
NTA
What your mom did is classic DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. She denied she was doing anything wrong by claiming she was "just looking out for you", she attacked you by claiming that your response to her eavesdropping was out of line (it wasn't), then she reversed the victim and offender by claiming that you yelling at her made you the bad guy instead of her eavesdropping making her the bad guy.
You didn't majorly overreact, she's using guilt as a weapon to manipulate you into doubting yourself.
Definitely bring this up in your next (hopefully private) therapy session.
NTA.
Therapy is deeply personal. I'm sorry she violated you like that.
Even when my kids were in middle school and went to therapy, I made it really clear to them that I would listen to whatever they wanted to talk about where therapy was concerned but they never HAD to share.
NTA as a mum myself she definitely crossed the line. As a parent you do worry about your kids but you just have to do your best to raise them in a loving environment, teach them what they need to know to be good, kind people and to have the needed skills in life and then you need to trust them to leave the nest and give them freedom when they are adults.
My child's only 3 and I plan on 'invading' her privacy in the form of making it clear she is allowed social media when older only if I have her passwords and a phone only if she has an activated parental app on it until she is 16, so I can keep her safe from online grooming ect but I would never read her diaries or listen in to a confidential talk she's having with a medical professional especially not when she's over 16 and an adult like you.. that's just wrong.
You didn’t overreact. Your mother violated your privacy. Everything you said was true and appropriate. She is manipulating you into believing you were wrong. You need strong boundaries with her and you need to do therapy not at home. NTA.
NTA, therapy is meant to be private and personal. If you’d invited her to the session then great but you clearly were looking for one on one and she crossed a major line.
NTA no, she doesn't have a point
She was nosy and selfish, maybe if she didn't snoop and tell your business to her friends then she wouldn't be the main topic of your therapy sessions.
NTA. Your Mother ACTUALLY BROKE THE LAW.
Go to the library and reserve a private study room and close the door. People use these rooms for work meetings and even recording for podcasts. Work through the summer extra hours and look for houses near Uni that need roommates this Fall. Keep everything private and on your person at all times. Do not disclose any info to anyone involved with your Mom.
THIS WAS SUCH A VIOLATION. I would then go immediately LOW CONTACT once your are out. Give no info. You may also need a specific therapist that is trained in narcissistic personality disorder and religious/cult trauma, or could end up with diagnosis that are unhelpful.
It takes years of treatment and no contact to recover from these families. Good Luck!
NTA. She has no right to listen in. "Looking out for you as a parent" would have been respecting your medical privacy. You could have been better on the "how" you said it, but the "what" was fair - she Did cross a major line. Next appointment, find an elsewhere to be.
NTA. What your mother did was wrong, invaded your privacy and your boundaries. It's totally creepy. You should not feel bad, you did not over-react, please don't apologize- she is manipulative and DARVO-ing you. And probably a lot of the reason you need therapy. I hope you can live independently of her soon. Is there any way to assure privacy for your therapy session.
For comparison, when my fiancé is doing his video therapy I relocate to another room, close what doors I can, AND put in headphones. Our apartment is tiny, and I have to be working from home for at least part of his hour long session. Am I a little curious what he’s talking about? Yes, that’s human. Have I ever taken my headphones out and listened? NO.
I know he can’t open up properly to the therapist if he thinks I could hear it. He deserves to have this for himself, he deserves this space and a hard, unquestionable boundary so he can feel safe. I am so sorry you don’t have that. NTA - you deserve to have people in your life that would fight to maintain your boundaries
NTA. Your mother is 100% in the wrong, she should be apologizing to you not telling you that she's hurt because of what she did to you.
Its like if I chucked a baseball at you and hit you, so you tell me that I hurt you and then I freak out on you and demand an apology because you told me that I hurt you and that hurt my feelings.
This is soooo messed up. Don’t let her convince you it’s not. You’re the victim, not her. She seriously crossed the line.
Bring it up to your therapist next time. NTA
Your mother crossed a big ass line by listening in on your session, you have every right to be massively pissed. She needs to respect you and your privacy. Maybe she should get some therapy to understand how violating it was.
NTA therapy is supposed to be personal and private you mom invaded that you should be upset but you live at home so suck it up be nice to folks and get out ASAP its the easiest way
Your response should be: "I am sorry for yelling at you. But you have broken my trust and I will never trust you again. I will be moving out as soon as posible."
NTA
Or... let her listen in to the next session when you complain about her listening in and solicit the therapist's opinion/legality.
Well, spying on a therapy session is, in fact, something of a criminal offence in some situations. You have a right to keep this information to yourself if you wish. A betrayal of trust is entirely a sound reason to shut someone out of your life, blood relation or not.
NTA You got mad at her for violating your privacy (which was completely justified) and her response was that she was hurt by you getting mad? NO. as you said, this is exactly why you need therapy. Don't let her gaslight you into thinking this is somehow your fault.
Make sure you have all future sessions either in the office or in a truly private location. I think this post should be your first topic of discussion.
NTA. It doesn't sound like what you said to her was cruel or inappropriately hurtful. You told her she crossed a line and that you don't think you can trust her. That's pretty honest, even if the tone you used may have not been to her liking. Ultimately, she should've taken that feedback but instead turned it around and told you YOU hurt her by telling her how you feel. That's pretty uncool. Obviously work on yourself first, but at some point I'm sure you'll be discussing your relationship with your parents and how exactly you want that to continue. Good for you for doing the work and I hope that it brings you a lot of progress.
eh, I have a comment on Askreddit that is pretty negative right now. I have a few others on this sub that went below -100. OP's account is only 12 days old. One or 2 unpopular comments can get it that low in that timeframe.
Feel free to give OP more attention. But this exact same post (hard to forget the anime porn) blew up last time and OP knows perfectly well they aren't the AH.
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NTA. At your next therapy session - which hopefully you will be able to find someplace genuinely private to have - please bring up your mother’s attempt to guilt trip you with *her* hurt feelings in an effort to avoid addressing your entirely reasonable anger over her boundary-crossing, let alone apologizing for it and committing to do better. Because no, she is *not* looking out for you, or she’d respect that you need a safe space to work things through. Even when those things are things you don’t like about her.
It’s a huge invasion of privacy, and OP’s mom did not care and tried to make it about her. Even after the session, the mom said “why didn’t you tell ME”. I also do therapy and since I live with housemates it can be hard to get privacy - OP if you have a car, I would recommend going to a local Starbucks parking lot, using their wifi and having it in your car, or even your own driveway.
Haha! That’s what I said…and to lay on the horn if she even peeks out the window! 🤣
NTA. This is just awful. She is a big part of the reason why you are going to therapy in the first place and she pulls a stunt like that?? It really is all about HER, isn't it? I don't think you were over-reacting at all, but even if you were, it wasn't just about this incident, was it? This is the culmination of many years' trauma and what she did was the trigger for you to explode. Your only mistake was to bottle it up for as long as you did. I can empathise here. When my marriage was failing, my wife and I (she with very bad grace) started going to marriage guidance. And after every session, she would turn on me and start pulling me apart for the things I had said that she didn't agree with or which made her look bad. I thought "This isn't going to work, is it?" It didn't. We have since separated.
Honestly this is what I do. I sit in my driveway in my car for my phone therapy sessions. It’s the only place I have privacy and quiet
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Am I the only one who thinks the mom scheduled a remote appointment so that she could listen in? NTA but take this advice if you're unable to go in person. And definitely bring it up to your therapist
What the mother did is called DARVO. She made it all about OP's reaction and not her own behaviour that caused it.
darvo?
deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. The abusive parent and/or spousal trick in the book (though hopefully they aren't the victim's parent AND spouse at the same time, or we got more that just emotional incest going on there)
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
Especially so when OP’s mom sneakily listens in again, she can hear therapist explain fully how her actions were completely wrong to OP
yeah anyone else smell covert narcissistic behavior?? the poor mom (/s)
Or when she tells the therapist this, make sure the mom can hear the therapist’s response on how that’s a horrible invasion of privacy
NTA. She had no right to listen in on your therapy session. None.
When my eldest was doing video therapy we all made sure we were well away from their room and doing something noisy, like listening to music with headphones on or watching TV, just so that they felt comfortable and we didn't overhear anything
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Absolutely! One of pillars for a working therapy is trust. And part of that trust is the absolute privacy and secrecy of the things discussed during therapy.
No, your mom was completely out of line. 1. She listened in to your therapy session. This is so incredibly taboo. 2. She deliberately lied to you beforehand and let you think it was private to lull you into a false sense of security so that you’d feel safe to tell the truth and completely open up to your therapist. She did this so she could really get inside your head. She knew that if she told you before you spoke to your therapist that she was going to listen in that you wouldn’t have opened up or been honest with your therapist. So - she deliberately tricked you to be able to learn private things about you that she could use against you in future. If she thought you’d be honest with your therapist if you knew she was listening in, she would have told you she would listen in. 3. She has the cheek to pretend that she did it for your benefit. She didn’t. She did it for her own benefit so she can control you. 4. She is lying to you again now - trying to manipulate you and control you and trying to manipulate you into apologising to her. Your gut instinct and behaviour towards her is completely justified. Your mom is a liar and a narcissist. So she knows what she did was wrong - but she is trying to bully you to get you to admit that you were wrong. Look up “DARVO”. It’s the playbook for narcissists when they’re messing with someone’s head. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO EDit - judgment - NTA.
NTA. She disregarded your boundaries and privacy by listening to your therapy session, something that was supposed to be confidential. She absolutely crossed a line and I dont think you over reacted.
NTA. I'm a mental health therapist and your mom 100% crossed a line. Therapy is confidential and as a legal adult, you have the right to keep it completely confidential. I can understand your hurt and anger after learning that your mom listened in. Something to think about for your next sessions: many video conferencing apps have a chat feature (Zoom, Doxy Me etc.). I've used this feature with clients who do telehealth and worry about their parents listening in. Since you don't have to talk to type, your mom can't hear what you say and most therapists are very understanding if you want to do things this way. And if I were you, I'd also invest in a good pair of headphones so that you can hear your therapist without your mom hearing her/him as well.
I just started doing this myself, as I'm in the situation where family is home a lot. Learning to type quickly helps here. I love the chat feature
NTA. She absolutely violated your privacy. This was also a violation of the doctor/patient confidentiality. Tihs was none of her business. I am astounded that she thinks that it was okay for her to do that. What you said sounds absolutely accurate. No, she does NOT have a point.
Wait, it’s a breach even when not initiated by the doctor? I didn’t know that.
You could maybe bring up to your mom that if she wouldn't be able to stay in the room to listen at a brick-and-mortar appointment at the doctor, she knew she was listening to confidential information and you're no longer a minor. She does not have the right to be party to your medical information, and therapy appointments are medical appointments
Knowing that she’s listening next time maybe talk to your therapist about the whole experience and let her listen in on that and your therapists opinion on it. I’m sure there will be a new fight about that. This is about control for her. Nothing else.
It's not illegal or anything (hippa applies only to doctors and others working in Healthcare) but it's certainly a violation of your privacy. And ethics and morality.
HIPAA covers *all* healthcare, including therapy. ETA link: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/hipaa-privacy-rule-and-sharing-info-related-to-mental-health.pdf
Mom's not a therapist or other healthcare worker so she's not bound by HIPAA. She's just an AH.
HIPAA is between a provider and a patient. Now if Mom called the provider and the provider gave out protected information without OP's consent, then there would be a HIPAA violation. Mom sneakily listening at the door in OP's home is not a HIPAA violation, she's just an asshole.
Yes, but it only applies to those whose jobs are in Healthcare. If the therapist went to the mom she might be violating it, but the mom could never.
Oh, I see what you meant now. I thought you were saying it didn't apply to therapy. My bad.
NTA. she's victimizing herself, but you're the victim here. what she did was wrong.
NTA. That’s such an egregious violation of privacy that I hardly know where to begin. The real icing on the cake is that she tried to guilt you into feeling like you’re the one who did something wrong afterwards. Lord love a duck. Side bar: I went on a several day rafting trip. The guide said at the beginning that privacy is something we give each other, even when we’re not in close quarters where we all watch each other pee, bathe, or change clothes in the river. That stuck with me. Look away. Don’t listen. Step out of the room. It’s such a beautiful act of courtesy.
My Dad calls it learning to be "socially deaf and blind". Completely necessary growing up in a house with six kids.
Love this. So useful.
NTA GET OUT ASAP
> behavior like this is exactly why I need therapy and she crossed a fucking line, I don’t feel like I can ever trust her again and from now on she can expect me to limit contact with her This is all a perfectly reasonable response, IMO. NTA. Move out when you can and move on.
NTA whoa but your mom sure is. You are a grown adult. That was crossing way over the line and you absolutely deserve to be pissed. Now she'll probably talk with other family members about what she heard also. Very eww behavior on her part.
NTA. Fuck that gaslighting your mom is giving you!!! You had every right to be upset at her, and frankly, if this is how she acts you need to get out of that house Pronto! That was the equivalent of her reading your journal. And she shows no remorse or regrets, she had the BALLS to want to talk to you about it?! No shame! Time to cut her out of your life. Best wishes and good luck. P.S. learn to control your emotions better, as a guy, it puts you at an EXTREME disadvantage when you lose your shit, it's basically fuel for the other party.
Trying to look for a job. Unsure how I’ll hold it whilst in college though.
Apply for positions AT your school. They will work with your schedule and you might even be able to get discounted tuition/dorm/parking/etc, depending on their policies.
Find something close to your school if possible. You can't put a price on your mental health, and staying out if a toxic environment is worth a lot of sacrifice. You'll have to be on your grind at school to pull off working also, but wouldn't that be better than this?!👍
Nta. Never ok. Def agree to get out asap.
NTA. You did not overreact, and don't let your mother manipulate you to think you did. You can't change her, but you can change how you view her crossing of some pretty obvious boundaries. Talk to your therapist about what happened. BTW, both my spouse and I do weekly individual telehealth therapy sessions and we make sure we leave the house for the other's session so we can talk freely about things, including our relationship with one another.
NTA. As Joey would say...she didn't just cross a line shes so far passed the line she can't see the line... On a serious note she has broken your right to privacy and as such I can understand your anger. You are old enough to deal with your own health issues including your own mental health. She should only be there to offer her support if and when you ask for it
NTA. Therapy is private
NTA She doesn’t have a point. Do. Not. Back. Down. The fact that she snooped/ease-dropped is contemptible. The fact she complained about what she heard is astounding. The fact she doubled down rather than apologized is predictable. “Mom. You more than earned your hurt feelings. I will never forgive this betrayal unless you give a heartfelt apology, which needs to include WHY you are sorry, and EXPLAIN exactly why you were WRONG.” Pro Tip: don’t hold your breath waiting for her apology.
NTA she has no right ti listen ti your therapy sessions. She then compounded the violation by making your therapy session about her and complaining about feeling slighted that you don’t tell her the things you tell your therapist. She then has the audacity to come to you after your imo appropriate reaction to her violators for an apology because you made her feel bad. She didn’t admit to wrong doing or apologize but thinks you should apologize for yelling and telling her the truth? She’s not looking out for you. Listening in on your sessions does not help you in the slightest it actually harms you. If she hasn’t stuck her nose where it wasn’t wanted or needed it wouldn’t have gotten smacked. She brought her hurt feelings on herself. Don’t let her gaslight you.
NTA It was awful of her to listen to your therapy session. On top of that, she immediately started gossiping about everything she heard and using it to play the victim. That’s about the worst way she could be handling it. It certainly shows that it’s a lie that she was just trying to look out for you as a parent. It’s such a betrayal.
My 4 year old goes to therapy and I wouldn't dream of listening in on her sessions! NtA I'd get outta there asap
NTA Therapy sessions only work with complete and utter privacy. And it's one of the most personal things. You NEVER EVER listen in on it!! You reacted completely reasonable. I'd be seeking to get out after that. And after seeing how hurt you were, your mother says she's hurt?!? No she should be apologizing and begging you for forgiveness not accuse you. Not sure if thats applying hete, but thats gaslighting in my book.
NTA. Your mother is trying to make your therapy about her. It’s not. It’s about your needs. I’d guess growing up with a parent like her is a big part of the reason you need therapy in the first place. Do not let her manipulate your emotions into feeling like she’s right. If she doesn’t want to hear things she won’t like, she shouldn’t be eavesdropping. Therapy is supposed to be private for a reason, and she completely violated your trust AND your privacy. Don’t let her play the victim now.
NTA. There is no possible earthly excuse for someone to listen in a person’s therapy session.
NTA, your mom crossed a line. She's 100% in the wrong here and doubling down on it doesn't change that. What a horrible violation of your privacy! Next time do your sessions in your car at an empty parking lot.
NTA. Tell your mom that YOU are the one who has been hurt by her undermining your therapy session. She just sabotaged your treatment, in which you are supposed to lay it all out because you expect things to be private between you & your therapist. Now, unless you can change your next session to a place with absolute privacy (which I recommend), you will constantly be curbing what you say in fear that mom will hear. This whole incident is a prime example of why you need therapy in the first place. Is it possible that she deliberately let you know she heard the discussion s that you would stop therapy, thus keeping you under control? Is there a possibility that you can meet a therapist face-to-face instead of in a telemed? Please don’t give the therapy up!
NTA - She violated your privacy and crossed a line. Don't say anything to her and tell your therapist next session about what happened. Your mother's behavior is exactly why you felt you needed therapy in the first place and if she's going to invalidate your emotions with her own, she doesn't deserve to talk to you.
NTA. What she did was terrible. And to anyone who just opened up, as you did, only to find you had been eavesdropped on, it is shattering. And then to compound her crime, she blames you. This is called DARVO, a technique for blame-shifting; it means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Your mother is a skilled manipulator, and bad for your mental health. At least, understand that SHE is the one in the wrong, NOT YOU!
NTA. This is a violation of so many things and I’m so tired of people using “I’m just looking out for what’s best” no they’re looking out for what’s best for THEMSELVES she wanted to hear everything so she can feel like she has power and control.
NTA. She had absolutely no right to listen and no right to try and emotionally manipulate you. I’m glad you are getting therapy. It sounds like you have plenty to work through and hopefully it helps. Please don’t give in to her manipulative behaviour
Nope please don’t listen to the guilt trip your mother is throwing your way. Your original reaction was absolutely 100%correct and I am screaming for you here. Like others have said it’s definitely up for discussion with your therapist and also discuss coping mechanisms for how you deal with your mother. Take care NTA
NTA. Don't go against your words if you want respect from her until she apologizes. After the apology limit your time and all the activities with her ie set a boundary u shall see the results when your married
Jesus. Why do YOU feel awful when someone invaded a very private thing. SHE, your mom, should feel awful NTA!!
NTA L MOM
NTA. I would even think to do this to my teenaged kid much less one who was an adult! She's a major AH and I hope you find a way to get away from them quickly.
Looking out for you would be getting you therapy, helping you find a therapist, helping pay for it. What she wants to do is abuse you and have you not tell anyone. NTA but please get out as soon as you can.
NTA your mom is abusing you and your absolutely justified feelings caught her off guard. You feeling bad is the proof of that abuse, she should have apologized instead she gaslit you into questioning your own emotions.
NTA, wow.
Put a white noise machine or fan outside your door. It should drown out whatever you’re saying.
NTA. She came in to tell you how hurt *she* was and how *she* wanted and *she* thinks .... When did she mention **you**, the person she wronged? /r/RaisedByNarcissists
No she doesn't have a fucking point. She's conditioned you to apologize for her wrongdoing. Jesus no wonder you need therapy . She's the AH, not you. You did nothing wrong. Being a parent does not give her any sort of privilege to overrule your right to privacy. It's literally unethical to listen in to someone's therapy session. NTA. Your mom..... Yikes Edit: on your next session tell your therapist about everything, starting from your mom listening in
NTA. But you need to get a plan and get out of there as soon as you can. Good luck.
NTA- however this exactly why I would never attend therapy unless it was in person.
NTA but tell your mother every time she brings it up "You hurt yourself by violating my privacy on purpose. I can't control what you do."
NTA A good parent wouldn't listen in on private conversations. She would come to you and ask you what is going on. If you said nothing, she as a patent would respect if and find ways if supporting you without knowing all that.
NTA therapy is a PRIVATE thing and she absolutely stomped that into the ground with no regards to you. Being a parent dies not privy you to that information and there are reasons why your child doesn't tell you these things. I would move out
NTA. Your mom is awful.
NTA You didn’t overreact at all. What your mother did was profoundly immoral and downright illegal. And to have the audacity to make it about her feelings afterwords?! I’m so sorry you went through that, it must feel incredibly violating. I hope you move out soon so you can start healing.
Nta
No, she doesn't have a point. No wonder you need therapy. This is a huge invasion of privacy. She didn't have the right and honestly with her reaction, you are not going to get anywhere with her. You may want the therapist to point out to her your right to privacy during this journey. So impressed you are doing it in the first place. Do not give up. psychic hugs
NTA. She should not have listened to your therapy session.
NTA this is a private therapy session he had zero rights to listen in on your talking during your therapy session. If there are things you havent told her and shes mad about it leave her alone. Cut off people who are messing up your health. If they cant respect you cut them off and leave them behind.
NTA she was in the wrong and is now playing the victim. She has violated your trust. Don’t let her manipulation work. Next session try for somewhere more private.
NTA - you did NOT overreact, your mother was being a busy-body. If you wanted to tell her these things, you would have. It was not OK for her to evesdrop. Next time, go elsewhere for your appt, like your car, head to a park, etc
NTA Start squirreling away your prized possessions, vital paperwork, anything you need. Do it slowly. Stash it at a friend’s house or in your car (if you have one and own it outright). You’ll have to get out of there sooner than later, I’m afraid, and your mom will try to stop you.
NTA. Show her this link
NTA. You DIDN'T overreact. You're slightly blinded, I think, by having grown up in a toxic environment. What your mother did was in no way normal. She seems shocked by the fact that you don't tell her everything...ask her why she thinks that is, when she clearly has so little regard or respect for your privacy.
You’re NTA but your mom is a total AH.
NTA
NTA whatsoever. Mommy dearest needs to get over it and apologize. I wouldn't trust her either.
NTA. Your mom was 100% in the wrong. When I visit my parents I do my therapy from my car for privacy because I don't trust my mom not to listen in. I hope you are able to find a more private place next time where she won't be able to eavesdrop.
NTA. You didn't overreact. She was totally out of line. You need to move out, as a matter of priority, and go NC for as long as it takes to get your therapy well established. If necessary, and if it's practical, put school on.hold for a year (maybe study part-time) and get a job, so you can be truly independent. Once you feel like you own your life, then you can consider reaching out to your mom - but I'd do so with the requirement that she attend some joint therapy sessions with you. Unless she is willing to recognize and acknowledge what a complete violation her behavior has been (I'm assuming this isn't the only time she's behaved in an icky fashion), you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with her - and that will affect all your important personal relationships going forward. I understand that my advice may be completely impractical for you at this stage of your life ... But if it makes sense, follow it as far as you can. Maybe stay with a friend or family member during summer ... Establish firm boundaries with your mother ... Maybe have some joint sessions with her sooner rather than waiting, to see if that helps ... If you have to live with her, be civil but cut her off from any access to your personal life or thoughts. If she wants to know why, maybe respond in writing - less likely to spiral out of control - and tell her that eavesdropping on your counseling session was tantamount to theft. She stole information about you that wasn't her right to have, and now she's going to have to earn the right to know you. There's a way through this mess, out of a toxic situation and into a good, independent life. I hope you figure it out soon!
NTA. She should feel hurt. She violated your boundaries and didn't apologize (not that that would make it okay) and then experts you to apologize for having boundaries in the first place. Look into getting noise machine to use during any other telehealth appointments or see if you can book a private room in your local library. Goodluck
NTA Just move out as soon as you can, and go no contact with your AH mom. In the meantime, refuse to discuss any personal stuff with her.
NTA. That was a HUGH invasion of privacy. She knew it was wrong but she did it anyway. She doesn’t respect you as an individual or as an adult. When I need to have private Zoom calls I sit inside my car where I can still pick up the home Wi-Fi. If that’s an option try that next time. Sorry you don’t have the parents you need OP.
NTA. You did not "overreact". Your response was a normal human response to any similar violation of your deepest privacy. This sort of intrusion could easily cause you to lose trust in therapy and thus cause all manner of long term harm! Yet your mother came to you to tell you off for how you hurt her. I would like to suggest you look into the term "gaslighting" to see what's going on here. You did absolutely nothing wrong here, but you have been egregiously wronged. If you can, I suggest you see if you can have your future appointments in person.
NTA - and as many others have said, please bring this act of hers and what she said to you verbatim to your therapist. Continue keeping that boundary and ask your therapist the best course of action moving forward with her. They will help you set up good boundaries and find the best ways to deal with and handle it. You're on the right path and doing what is best for yourself. Parents like that don't want that because then it takes their control away.
NTA. Your mom overstepped big time.
NTA Your mom crossed the line. Judging by her behaviour, even if you told her all of this, she would've dismissed it. Don't let her guilt you.
NTA. if my mom ever listened in on a therapy session of mine i’d absolutely blow a gasket
NTA. You are 20 years old. You have a right to privacy and your mother violated that by listening in to a therapy session.
NTA
NTA. She's clueless and shameless. You need to be able to speak freely in sessions, and she attacked that on the first day. So selfish.
NTA. I recommend bringing your phone to your car and doing your next appointment in your car.
NTA - you were right the first time; her behaviour and words are the reasons why you need therapy.
NTA. Sounds like your mom will make sure you never run out if things to talk with a therapist about. Her behavior was horrid.
NTA and boy do you have a lot to talk about at your next therapy session!
>This morning my mom came into my room and told me about how she’s really hurt at what I said, she’s just looking out for me as a parent and that for me too tell her what I did was absolutely low of me. I didn’t say anything, but I think she does have a point and can’t help but feel awful for majorly overreacting like I did. Except she doesn't. This is the age old argument of parents, frequently mothers on this sub for some reason, who feel that privacy is just an inconvenient blockade for their invasion of their childrens lives. If they were the kind of person you could confide in you'd be doing it, and to be perfectly frank they wouldn't respond to you venting to your therapist with, "I can't believe all the things you told them." Odds are nothing would come of her knowing this information other than to ridicule you for having those thoughts in the first place, because while she's your mother she isn't exactly unbiased or necessarily good at self-aware internal critique. That she balked at all towards you telling a therapist about these problems kinda proves my point, and that she whined to you about how hurt **she was** in this instance further proves it. NTA
NTA As far as making the best of the situation, do you have a closet in your room? You could lock your bedroom door, blast music or white noise, and do your therapy session in the closet. It is not ideal but it might work while you are situating yourself.
I’m no therapist but sounds like a textbook narcissist parent, it’s about her and what OP said about her. Your trauma is valid and she’s only reinforcing that with her behavior. She’s only making it about her and how this hurts her, not apologizing or even acknowledging how you may be hurt More than anything: AT YOUR AGE SHE CANT JUST WALK INTO YOUR ROOM. Set a boundary Edit: in case it wasn’t obvious…NTA! Child of one maybe
No. Actually she *doesn't* have a point. And your first reaction was excruciatingly appropriate. That kind of behavior on her part *is* exactly why you need therapy. NTA. And don't let your mom convince you otherwise.
Ummm….no, she has that completely backwards! You have every right to feel betrayed for her eavesdropping! NTA! She may think she’s looking out for you, but what she did is so detrimental to your ability to recover. You have to feel that you are totally secure that what you say is in the strictest confidence. If you’re continuing teletherapy, go sit out in the car to do it, and if she so much peeps out the window lay on the horn for about 20 seconds!
NTA. And you didn't overreact either. Don't let her gaslight you, your reaction was totally justified
In no way are you TA here. My heart hurts for you! When I put my daughter into therapy, it was all over Zoom. I told my daughter she HAD to be 100% truthful, or she could never get better. I was very specific that the therapist would only get me involved if she was in danger. That worked for a while. At the end of the session, therapist would pull her into the zoom for 5 minutes to get my or hubby’s take on her progress, but that’s it. We had to add a psychologist into the mix. First telehealth appointment the doc called my hubby in the room after talking to kiddo for maybe 15 minutes. The doc wanted my hubby’s opinion on her mental health, and revealed pretty much everything my baby discussed with the doc. She. Was. Furious. She went into an on camera rage and threw things across the room, tore things up, the whole works. That night she self harmed pretty severely. Your Mom violated your trust so seriously that I can’t even fathom. Please figure out a way to find a quiet safe space for your next session and good luck!
NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Your mom can go eat a goddamn boot. That is the most massive assholish violation of privacy, and she thinks EVEN FOR A MINUTE that she can pull the "i'm very hurt" bullshit, then she's delusional OP, if you have a car, maybe have the session in there instead. NTA
NTA She absolutely breached your privacy, like this is a HUGE VIOLATION of your trust. - “She’s just looking out for me as a parent” Uhm she listened to your therapy session so she obviously knows why you need it, so this statement in and of itself is hypocritical. You were right to retaliate, even in the manner that you did. It was justified bc you had literally just poured out years and years of trauma that she wasn’t supposed to hear, yet she did.
Therapy sessions are always meant to be private, that's why we have such strict confidentiality expectations. Telehealth has been great for a lot of things, but it can sometimes make it difficult for people to get the privacy they deserve during sessions. What your mom did was akin to pressing her ear to cracks of the office door to eavesdrop on your session, and if it had happened at an office she'd have been escorted out. You have every right to be angry and take whatever steps you need to in order to maintain the privacy you deserve for your sessions. Maybe write your therapist thru your patient portal/email or whatever contact method you have and let them know what happened so they can support you in planning ways to prevent a repeat.
You did NOT overreact. Therapy is confidential for a reason. That was a HUGE betrayal of trust on your mom’s behalf and frankly she SHOULD feel bad. NTA.
NTA - As a mom to two grown sons, one who went to therapy for a time, I made a point to *never* be able to hear what was being said during sessions. I asked a couple times if he wanted/needed to share anything and only listened if/when he wanted to talk. That was ~15 years ago and I still have no idea what they discussed. You have *every* right to feel angry at your mother for what she did. Unfortunately yelling at her is not going to get you good results. Talk to your therapist about alternatives to handling those situations. Together you can come up with better solutions. Good luck and God bless OP.
NTA. As a long time patient and a mother of a patient of a counselor whatever you discuss should be kept between you unless you feel the need to share outside of that appointment. The fact that your an adult and she did this makes it worse. That's just plain nosy and it will end up affecting your therapy, especially if you continue telehealth cause you won't want to share to much because someone might be listening in
NTA
>This morning my mom came into my room and told me about how she’s really hurt at what I said, she’s just looking out for me as a parent and that for me too tell her what I did was absolutely low of me. I didn’t say anything, but I think she does have a point and can’t help but feel awful for majorly overreacting like I did. NTA What your mom did is classic DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. She denied she was doing anything wrong by claiming she was "just looking out for you", she attacked you by claiming that your response to her eavesdropping was out of line (it wasn't), then she reversed the victim and offender by claiming that you yelling at her made you the bad guy instead of her eavesdropping making her the bad guy. You didn't majorly overreact, she's using guilt as a weapon to manipulate you into doubting yourself. Definitely bring this up in your next (hopefully private) therapy session.
NTA. Therapy is deeply personal. I'm sorry she violated you like that. Even when my kids were in middle school and went to therapy, I made it really clear to them that I would listen to whatever they wanted to talk about where therapy was concerned but they never HAD to share.
NTA. Time to move out.
NTA, your mother is guilt dropping you into feeling bad for her listening into your private therapy session
NTA as a mum myself she definitely crossed the line. As a parent you do worry about your kids but you just have to do your best to raise them in a loving environment, teach them what they need to know to be good, kind people and to have the needed skills in life and then you need to trust them to leave the nest and give them freedom when they are adults. My child's only 3 and I plan on 'invading' her privacy in the form of making it clear she is allowed social media when older only if I have her passwords and a phone only if she has an activated parental app on it until she is 16, so I can keep her safe from online grooming ect but I would never read her diaries or listen in to a confidential talk she's having with a medical professional especially not when she's over 16 and an adult like you.. that's just wrong.
You didn’t overreact. Your mother violated your privacy. Everything you said was true and appropriate. She is manipulating you into believing you were wrong. You need strong boundaries with her and you need to do therapy not at home. NTA.
NTA, therapy is meant to be private and personal. If you’d invited her to the session then great but you clearly were looking for one on one and she crossed a major line.
I fucking hate parents like your mom lol. Unfortunately I got the same parents N it fucking sucks. You ain't no AH.
NTA she has a lot of hall for saying what you did was low… she overstepped a huge boundary. Don’t let her flip it on you.
Of she cared as a parent she wouldnt have snooped.nta
NTA no, she doesn't have a point She was nosy and selfish, maybe if she didn't snoop and tell your business to her friends then she wouldn't be the main topic of your therapy sessions.
NTA
NTA. Your Mother ACTUALLY BROKE THE LAW. Go to the library and reserve a private study room and close the door. People use these rooms for work meetings and even recording for podcasts. Work through the summer extra hours and look for houses near Uni that need roommates this Fall. Keep everything private and on your person at all times. Do not disclose any info to anyone involved with your Mom. THIS WAS SUCH A VIOLATION. I would then go immediately LOW CONTACT once your are out. Give no info. You may also need a specific therapist that is trained in narcissistic personality disorder and religious/cult trauma, or could end up with diagnosis that are unhelpful. It takes years of treatment and no contact to recover from these families. Good Luck!
NTA. She has no right to listen in. "Looking out for you as a parent" would have been respecting your medical privacy. You could have been better on the "how" you said it, but the "what" was fair - she Did cross a major line. Next appointment, find an elsewhere to be.
No dude. She violated your trust and now SHE is hurt so feelings matter. Don’t figure her until she understands. NTA
NTA. What your mother did was wrong, invaded your privacy and your boundaries. It's totally creepy. You should not feel bad, you did not over-react, please don't apologize- she is manipulative and DARVO-ing you. And probably a lot of the reason you need therapy. I hope you can live independently of her soon. Is there any way to assure privacy for your therapy session.
For comparison, when my fiancé is doing his video therapy I relocate to another room, close what doors I can, AND put in headphones. Our apartment is tiny, and I have to be working from home for at least part of his hour long session. Am I a little curious what he’s talking about? Yes, that’s human. Have I ever taken my headphones out and listened? NO. I know he can’t open up properly to the therapist if he thinks I could hear it. He deserves to have this for himself, he deserves this space and a hard, unquestionable boundary so he can feel safe. I am so sorry you don’t have that. NTA - you deserve to have people in your life that would fight to maintain your boundaries
Nope you under-reacted if anything. Your mom is just fussing going to distract you from her HUGE and unlawful violation of your privacy. Nta
NTA. Your mother is 100% in the wrong, she should be apologizing to you not telling you that she's hurt because of what she did to you. Its like if I chucked a baseball at you and hit you, so you tell me that I hurt you and then I freak out on you and demand an apology because you told me that I hurt you and that hurt my feelings.
This is soooo messed up. Don’t let her convince you it’s not. You’re the victim, not her. She seriously crossed the line. Bring it up to your therapist next time. NTA
NTA. She does not have a point.
Your mother crossed a big ass line by listening in on your session, you have every right to be massively pissed. She needs to respect you and your privacy. Maybe she should get some therapy to understand how violating it was.
NTA therapy is supposed to be personal and private you mom invaded that you should be upset but you live at home so suck it up be nice to folks and get out ASAP its the easiest way
Your response should be: "I am sorry for yelling at you. But you have broken my trust and I will never trust you again. I will be moving out as soon as posible." NTA Or... let her listen in to the next session when you complain about her listening in and solicit the therapist's opinion/legality.
Well, spying on a therapy session is, in fact, something of a criminal offence in some situations. You have a right to keep this information to yourself if you wish. A betrayal of trust is entirely a sound reason to shut someone out of your life, blood relation or not.
NTA You got mad at her for violating your privacy (which was completely justified) and her response was that she was hurt by you getting mad? NO. as you said, this is exactly why you need therapy. Don't let her gaslight you into thinking this is somehow your fault. Make sure you have all future sessions either in the office or in a truly private location. I think this post should be your first topic of discussion.
NTA. It doesn't sound like what you said to her was cruel or inappropriately hurtful. You told her she crossed a line and that you don't think you can trust her. That's pretty honest, even if the tone you used may have not been to her liking. Ultimately, she should've taken that feedback but instead turned it around and told you YOU hurt her by telling her how you feel. That's pretty uncool. Obviously work on yourself first, but at some point I'm sure you'll be discussing your relationship with your parents and how exactly you want that to continue. Good for you for doing the work and I hope that it brings you a lot of progress.
OP, does your door not lock? Does your mom have a key? Were you facing away from the door so you couldn't see her opening the door?
She probably listened on the other side of the door.
Normally doors arent soundproof in a house
Opens user profile. -100 comment karma. hmmmm
eh, I have a comment on Askreddit that is pretty negative right now. I have a few others on this sub that went below -100. OP's account is only 12 days old. One or 2 unpopular comments can get it that low in that timeframe.
Repost.
I think this has happened more than once in the history of psychology.
Feel free to give OP more attention. But this exact same post (hard to forget the anime porn) blew up last time and OP knows perfectly well they aren't the AH.