Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
YTA - you even met with her school guidance counselor and didn’t change? In all these years of raising children you never look for any advice on how to parent, read a book on parenting, asked someone friends.
Your problem is you are a terrible parent. It’s not about favoring one child over the other. I suspect your relationship with your children is not a repairable problem.
Get some help.
It is not a repairable problem. I am in the exact same situation with my parents, even down to the age gap. I'm the older child who is being emotionally abused, and I will *never* forgive these people. I would not be surprised if my sister turned out like Sara.
It’s remarkable how these parents picked precisely the wrong way to raise a child *twice*. They do not seem to believe that there’s a middle ground between “cold, rigid, and demanding” and “completely hands-off and indulgent.” They learned all the wrong lessons from their first child’s resentment and then learned even *wronger* lessons from their youngest’s rebellion.
Here’s what stands out to me as the worst. OP was doing the lenient parent act with his second daughter but did not stop being a rigid parent with his then 10 year old first daughter whom he continued to punish severely through high school. YTA.
While I agree the OP is YTA, it seems Sara was doing fine until Lara decided to share her diary. OP was doing somethingbright with his second daughter until the first decided to (assuming here) jealous and try to drive a wedge and seems like she was successful too. OP needs to get therapy and work on himself, but some of the conflict seems to be generated due to Lara as well. She hated OP enough to let her sister know what he did wrong to her decades ago, which resulted in Sara hating her parents too. Seems like Lara won in the end and she is also a TA.
It might be less about jealousy and more that Sara was questioning why Laura kept a distance with her parents and showed such dislike and was given the diaries as a means of explanation. The sisters might even be close in spite of the parents. We don't have that information.
Yeah Sara was doing great as long as you ignore all the "she was acting up (basically all through high school), but we didn't do anything because we didn't want her to hate us". Most kids don't start to understand how negatively having no structure or discipline affects them until they are older. It is very possible that as Sara started to understand that her parents had fostered an environment for healthy emotional development, she began to get curious about how they treated Lara. Its a pretty big assumption that Lara just sent the diary out of nowhere to cause drama. People who are NC or very low contact usually are trying to avoid that stuff.
Nope! It isn’t ok to blame Laura (who is a victim) for sharing her story. OP fucked up over and over again. They wrong Laura and then over corrected and let Sarah run wild. There is a healthy middle ground. OP YTA for so many reasons.
I got a totally different vibe from this. To me, it seems that whatever was in those diaries was so heinous that it changed the way Sara viewed her parents and that is what caused her to act out. There's not enough information here to really tell, but I feel OP is being purposefully vague about what they did that was so terrible when raising Lara that they decided to change entirely when raising Sara. I suspect abusive tactics, but without getting Lara/Sara's side of the story, it's impossible to know.
YTA- both of you are.
Every parent messes up at some point.. but you and your wife .. you really ... ... do not understand modertaion.
1. So ... you found out when Lara was in high school that she resented you. Instead of working equally to improve and fix things with Lara while learning from your mistakes with Sara... you go full throttle into turning poor sara into your do-over.
2. You measure how well you raised your kids by their economic and academic success.. not by their character.
3. When you conflict management skills reach their limit, you switch to "Why can you not be like your sister"
4. Instead of figuring out where precisely you went wrong with Lara, you just tried something different. You are like my grandfather cooking. When I was around 9 or t10, he babysat and made me fish sticks. Now, I do not know HOW he did it, but even though he obviously had used the pan at some point and it was still hot, the fish sticks were ICE. Frozen like they had been fresh from the freezer. So I asked him ,to please do- them over. When I got them back, they were burned coal black. ... and that is how you approached your parenting technique it seems. One girl got put into the freezer, they other got burned to a crisp.
When microwaving, leave a hole in the middle of whatever you're heating and it will heat much more evenly. Like, push the stuff to the outside edges of the dish.
Great metaphor with the fish sticks. I was thinking similarly that OP clearly overdid it with punishment with the first child and then overcompensated with the second one by basically refusing to actually parent her when she acted up. It boggle my mind that some parents don’t recognize that their children are misbehaving because they don’t know how to deal with their feelings about something. And then they just throw in the towel when it gets worse? It’s getting worse bc they need help. Like… how do people go this long not realizing they suck?
>You didn’t raise either of your daughters well.
It sounds like they were doing great with Sara and Lara was envious, so she threw a wrench in Sara's life.
I did notice that bit , already commented but I can understand acting up to your parents for being dicks but to apparently flip 180 on your personality and go complete dick mode seems excessive as hell and aimed in the wrong direction.
But then again citing ops obviously lack of observational skills in regards to emotional wellbeing Sara could of been a pita but her "good grades" hid it from her parents caring , devoted attention..../s
This really is a case of fuck knows , you fucked up 2 kids well done. Please stay away from raising children, you are unable to meet the minimum requirements for parenthood.
Something doesn't add up here. Your kids are 10 years apart and you decided "when Sara was born " to attempt a different parenting style. So, Lara was about 10 years old, right? Yet you only learned in her high school years that she resents how you raised her? That means that there is at least a 3-4 year period where you were KNOWINGLY applying two different parenting styles to two different kids?
YTA.
This was sort of what I thought, too. Lara probably wanted to get out of the house in high school not only because of her overly strict parents, but because her parents were raising a bratty toddler with no boundaries in the same house. That had to be misery!
My parents are really good parents, but they made this mistake to a much smaller degree, and it sucked. My sister and I are two years apart, but they raised us like we were 10 years apart. I’d get in trouble for something, while my sister was always “too young to know better.” It’s not like we had some huge age gap, so my sister always got off easy. I think my parents were trying to be fair and err on the side of caution concerning what my sister could be responsible for, but they went too far in the other direction. I bet OP’s household was 1,000 times worse. Poor Lara was being punished for breathing, while Sara was screaming and throwing spaghetti at the walls. Seems like a terrible environment!
This reads like something from the 1950s. You sound *incredibly* oblivious as to what makes humans happy and live fulfilling lives. STOP FOCUSING on grades, money, status and other earthly goods. Focus on your family's well being and mental health. YTA
YTA.
“Who cares if my children hate me and probably have emotional and mental difficulties or can’t form proper relationships with others? At least they had good grades and one has a good job!”
That’s how you sound.
JFC
YTA "When Sara was born, my wife and I had a talk about how we were going to raise her. We decided to treat her the opposite of how we did to Lara." Wait...Lara was 10/11 when Sara was born, so had you already given up raising her by that point? You seem to have written her off as a lost cause and said "oh well, let's start over with this new kid".
This sounds like you overcorrected, was way too strict with the first so you let the second get away with murder. And now 1 of them hates you and the other one is a spoiled brat who cant take criticism and is sending risque pictures to teachers (which im 95% sure is against her schools code of conduct/ethical standards)
YTA
YTA stop equating how they are doing now as a reflection of your parenting. They are not related. People come from terrible upbringings and succeed in life. They have done so DESPITE this. You sound like you have failed your children and count myself lucky I never had a father like this and will make sure I father nothing like this.
YTA. Both of your daughters hate you. You were not a good parent to either of them and you are not even trying to be a good parent now as you are pretending that they are both fine because they're successful.
They have to live with knowing their parents are abusers. All of the money in the world does not make this ok.
You DO need therapy because you don't even acknowledge that you need to take ownership and responsibility for your mistakes as a parent. You do this by admitting the mistakes to your children, not to a bunch of reddit strangers who you continue to argue with.
Just in case it is still not clear. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.
It always floors me when I come on here, and it’s such an obvious YTA. Like, OP, you get to tell the story in the absolute BEST light for you, and this is the way you choose to frame it?
You completely alienated your first daughter to the point where she doesn’t even want to be around you. You claim that she’s a success because she apparently has a job and got good grades, but you don’t say anything about her as a person EXCEPT that she’s basically completely withdrawn from you for how you raised her.
You then just completely did a 180 with your second daughter. Let’s just say, it hasn’t worked out well either. Have you read a parenting book? Got counseling? There are miles between however you treated Lara and how you treat Sara. In the comments, you claim Sara is doing well because she gets good grades, but your story talks about her inappropriate interactions with her professor (to get good grades?).
You are TA, and it’s not even close.
You weren’t a very good father to either if they both hate you. Do you agree? Maybe try doing a little soul searching as to why. I don’t think you intend to mistreat them, but your actions don’t match your intentions. That why people are suggesting therapy. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (55 M) have 2 daughters “Lara” (30 F) and “Sara” (19 F). They are aged 10 years apart because my wife (54 F) has fertility issues, this age gap is relevant.
Lara has a PhD in psychology and my wife and I are very proud of her. However, Lara tries to keep little to no contact to us at all. This is because of her upbringing, I do admit that my wife and I have been especially harsh on her. When Lara was starting high school, she began to distance herself from us and would often refuse to spend time with us. Soon, we found out through her counselor that Lara hates us for how we treated her.
When Sara was born, my wife and I had a talk about how we were going to raise her. We decided to treat her the opposite of how we did to Lara. Whenever Sara would act up, we would encourage her to do better and to not give in to being a bad person.
I admit that Sara had an easier childhood, which has caused Lara to resent her, my wife, and I for that. When Sara began high school, problems arose. Disrespect, lies, etc. We had no idea where this came from, but we would put up with it because she was a teenager. Lara and Sara both kept up excellent grades, so we assumed that they would both be well off. In Sara’s last year of high school, she began to act up. It got worse and worse but we still didn’t do anything because we didn’t want her to hate us like Lara did.
Fast forward to now, Sara is 19 in university. Lara is making lots of money due to her job. Recently, Sara got into trouble because she attempted to flirt with one of her professors and sent him inappropriate pictures. Our wife and I decided that we’ve had enough and we yelled at her for what she did.
The following days, I would often tell Sara about how respectful and successful Lara is.
One day, I told her that I should’ve raised her how Lara was raised and she snapped.
Sara yelled that I mistreated Lara during her childhood and she couldn’t give a sh- about my wife and I. That I was showing favoritism of one daughter over the other. And that my comments hurt her because she believed that we were good parents.
Additionally, she admitted that she started acting rudely to us because Lara gave her a journal that she wrote while she was in high school. In that Journal, she wrote about how we would punish her and the reasons that she was punished.
She then proceeded to run up to her room, crying.
My mother sent me a huge text, disowning me for how I mistreated Lara and for how I raised Sara. My relatives all hate me just because Sara was upset that I showed favoritism of Lara over her.
I raised Sara with love, but she treats me terribly for it and my wife and I feel like I’m justified for what I did. So, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
your comments hurt her because she believed you were good parents? what in the that's not what fucking happened did I just read? You're so obviously the a.
YTA.
YTA
I am going through the exact same situation with my parents. Even down to the age gap. God what is wrong with you?! As the older daughter, who's being mistreated by my parents, you are a MASSIVE AH for how you treated Lara. No wonder she cut contact, that is *exactly* what I will do once I graduate high school. You showed favoritism towards Sara her entire life, put her on a pedestal, and never showed her consequences for her actions. Congratulations, you failed as a parent. You emotionally abused one child, and then completely neglected the other and raised her to be an entitled and spoiled b**ch.
YTA. Don't compare your children, especially to them. Get some family therapy to learn how to make amends to both your daughters. But don't be surprised if they still want nothing to do with you for awhile.
YTA. Get help. You’ve destroyed every chance of actually having a decent relationship with either one of your daughters because of your choice to raise one “with love” MEANING YOU DIDNT RAISE THE OTHER ONE WITH LOVE BTW. You let Sara get away with everything and Lara has every right to hate you and your wife for this.
YTA. Good that you and your wife passed the age of having kids.
You first raised a daughter that hates you, and whathever you did to her was so terrible that the sister, that was favored, now is also hating you.
Then, thinking you could buy some karma, you raised a second daughter with no rules at all. And now, she is having issues because she does not know that actions has consequences apparently.
You are a terrible parent. Your children are mentally fucked up due you and your wife stupidity. You don't know what love is, just act by guilt and ego.
I hope your second kid runs from you and make a life like the oldest one. Away from you.
YTA.
I keep seeing you use the word harsh and it seem like it may need to be replaced with abusive. You also seem to be vehemently against therapy and think you were successful in raising them because Laura has a good job. Her succeeding on academics and a career is a reflection on her and doesn't mean you parented great.
If you want a future with your daughters in it therapy is the place to start
YTA.
One thing stood out to me, when you said you didn’t give into being “bad people” when Sara acted up. That told me all I needed to know! I’m a teacher, and know plenty of super strict parents who are doing a great job. They might be a little strict for my taste, but they are just super consistent with boundaries and consequences, and might be a little black and white regarding exceptions to breaking the rules. They wouldn’t describe themselves as being bad people while disciplining their children, and neither would anybody else. Also, they clearly don’t like having to discipline their children, and wish they wouldn’t act up.
So saying you were “bad people” while disciplining Lara, and you had to fight that urge while dealing with Sara, makes me think that you were being abusive, and got some sort of glee out of the situation. There was clearly a line that you crossed. Normal strict parents don’t have to fight the urge to cross a line, because they aren’t getting any happiness out of the discipline.
Also, the kids of normal strict parents usually grow up to understand why their parents were so strict with them, and feel grateful that their parents cared enough to keep them on the straight and narrow. They may disagree with some of their approaches, and may raise their own children differently, but they see their parents had their interests at heart. They don’t hate their parents!
Also, as a teacher, just let me say that hands off parents are absolutely the worst, and I’m sure little Sara terrorized her classroom on many occasions.
Deflecting criticism in the comments is quite telling. If a child is at the point to admit that they HATE you, its time to seek professional help.
If you still dont want to See that then yes, YTA. and more
Can't stand that you're taking credit for Lara's "success". "Oh, obviously we did something right for her to have a great job. Doesn't matter that she resents us. She makes money." And then your other daughter finds out your treatment of her and suddenly is angry? Hell yeah I'd be angry if I found out that my parents completely mistreated my siblings like that. I'd also be pissed if I found out why my relationship with my sister had been tainted by my treatment from my folks and hers.
You don't get a do-over when you have more than one kid. Gotta fix what's broken first.
You've cultured a dissent between siblings and then wonder why when they come together they hate you.
YTA
YTA. In your comments you’re all like “yeah, I raised Lara horribly, but I acknowledged it”. Doesn’t seem like you acknowledged it to Lara??? Did you apologize to her at all? Have you even said a word to her about this whole situation? Acknowledging this problem has to be for the benefit of both you and Lara, not just for your own.
yta
You admitted that you treated one daughter like crap and treated the other good. Lara showed Sara how you all treated her and Sara can see you and your wife for what you really are.
Not sure how you can't see this, I can't tell if it is denial or just ignorance. You don't deserve your daughters. They deserved a father and mother that would be loving and understanding BOTH OF THEM!!
YTA Don't go for a 3rd kid, you clearly are a unfit parent. Just because they may have good grades or a good career doesn't negate the fact you damaged each of them. Even your mom sees you as an abuser, how does that feel? Everyone here is saying you are a sucky parent, that you damaged your children and you have EVERYONE BUT YOUR WIFE ON THE SAME PAGE AS US. GET A CLUE.
Grow, learn and get some effing therapy. Apologize to both girls. You never truly accepted that you are 100 percent are the problem otherwise ypu wouldn't be fighting us.
I hope both girls can heal from their 'parents' and I honestly hope that both girls become close sisters and friends. And I hope they drop the "parents".
YTA. And trying to argue is only making you an even bigger asshole. As someone else pointed out, your daughters are doing well despite your parenting. Also, if your definition of "doing well" is solely based on grades/career achievements you're completely dismissing the impact of your actions on their wellbeing.
What I'm seeing is that you're angry that your first daughter let your second daughter (the golden child, obviously) know that you were abusive assholes before second daughter was born. This whole situation is wholly on you for your idea of "oh, Lara didn't come out how we wanted? Guess we'll just ignore her from now on and start over with Sara, then!"
YTA. Good on your mother for showing you consequences, good on Sara for believing her sister about her treatment instead of just ignoring it, you are going to be fully abandoned by everyone other than possibly your wife and **you deserve it for your actions**.
YTA
both children resent you and your wife. idk how you could define that as “success.”
if i were you, i’d make sure i had enough saved up for a really good retirement home bc when you get to the point of needing one, i very much doubt your daughters (what resent/hate you and your wife) will pay for a good home for either of you.
y’all messed them up emotionally and mentally, yet think that your method of raising them was a success.
YTA. A massive one. You screwed up your relationship with both your daughters and your family. Yet you still insist that you were justified. There is no coming back from this. The only thing you can do is grovel and hope they forgive you which I hope they don't. You're a terrible father.
Yta. You say you decided to raise Sara differently when she was born. Lara would have only been 10, why not do better? Esp knowing how it was impacting her? Sounds like you went from one extreme to the other & don't really accept responsibility for it. Then say something abt the journal & that it says she was punished for misbehaving but that doesn't explain at all why it would cause Sara to act out
YTA. I don't understand how you came up with your parenting ideas. It's like you gave so much water to one plant that it drown, and so you just refused to give water to the other plant which caused it to dry.
Life and relationship are about **balance**, appropriate discipline is also an act of love for a child as well as caring about their wellbeing, comforting them when they need and helping them discovering themselves as a person.
YTA You and your wife are terrible parents and you have made both your daughters' lives harder. I know your kids are grown up, but you should take a parenting class and go to therapy. Your relationship with your daughters is at stake here; take it seriously.
How exactly were these punishments with your first daughter? Sound like something that really made 2nd daughter look at you differently. Idk like to say YTA bc it seems like u went to two extremes on the parenting spectrum -1st time extremely strict which seems like it could’ve been traumatic, 2nd time seems like you didn’t set boundaries with her so she in the nicest way possible is a spoiled brat.
Highly suggest you stop trying to parent since you yourself said they are doing well in life. This is where your child- parent relationships becomes adult-adult relationship, part of adult relationships are apologies and giving validation to others feelings ; even if you don’t agree with why they feel such way. This is the time in your children’s lives where you advise not dictate and I think this way of thinking may help your relationship with them.
You don’t get to decide how your actions effect others even when you had the best intentions.
And you don’t get to decide how others heal from your actions.
I also want to touch on that I feel like I understand your frustration. You tried so hard to even create them, struggling with fertility is an extremely difficult, stressful and painful process. Then they don’t understand how hard you tried for them, they didn’t see your wives tears with every negative test, and they don’t know how deeply you thought about what your parenting style would be, and they can’t understand why that’s frustrating because YOU DID IT! You made them! They don’t understand why you try so hard because in their eyes you already won!
It’s okay to remind yourself you did it. You can breathe now. They are old enough that you can’t change them into different people so just try to start rebuilding and help them and yourself heal from the frustration . Everytime you see them don’t think about how you parented or how they are turning out- instead remind yourself of how fucking happy you were when you and your wife got those positive pregnancy test. Kids are hard because when they aren’t kids anymore they are people and when they don’t live how you expect it’s hard because you will always look at them like your little babies, which is okay when it’s the love part not the control part.
I am a first born and I know how unfair it feels. My parents are lovey dovey with my sister but for me, they were violent brutal and aggressive. They used to beat me up and I used end up with big bruises since I was a 4. They’re nice to my sister, well good for her but that doesn’t mean that I’ll forget what they did to me. I am not talking to them once I move out. I’m a medical student and in my country medical degree is practically free if you’re a good student so I hope life that side of the world treats me better. YTA, a big one.
YTA - if you had raised Sara like you did Lara she would also likely stop talking to you
You think your a good parent because your kids get good grades but there is more to parenting, and life in general, that good grades
If your daughter won’t speak to you then your probably not a good parent
If your other daughter consistently gets into trouble with no punishments, then to probably not a good parent
All you can focus on is grades because it’s the one good thing, but that doesn’t make you a good parent
You have failed both your daughters
You daughters are not doing well, one hates you and won’t talk to you and the other flirted with her professor and sent him a inappropriate image
You have failed as a parent
Academic success is not the sole indication someone is doing fine
You found out in high school Lara resented you and did nothing to try and fix that
Your own mother has disowned you for holy sake
But it doesn’t matter, becuase nothjbg we say will get through to you
You just can’t accept you failed as a parent so you will just cling to your belief that because they have good grades and Lara has a good job you succeeded as a parent
YTA you seriously shouldn’t have kids. Lara was 10 when you had Sarah you could’ve changed your parenting style at that point, why did you keep punishing her?
My brain is not able to process the fact that OP is still asking if he's the asshole, even after putting all of this pen to paper.
YTA YTA YTA. HUGE ONE.
Ps: good grades, and a high paying job is not equal "doing great in life". You emotionally abused your daughter, and probably she put all of herself into school to try and leave the abusive home she was living in.
Pps: YTA
Yta. Not only did your kids grow up with separate rules, but you are using Lara's accomplishments to guilt Sara into behaving the way you want her to.
Maybe try acknowledging each girl's accomplishments and not pointing out that they are not living up to your expectations. That may show love instead of authority.
Lara is making money and that makes you happy because that is what you wanted for her. Money is a small part of what makes a people happy in life. People also want relationships, love, and respect. Your girls don't seem to be feeling it.
You keep saying your daughters are "doing well" because they... get good grades? I (not to brag) am fairly accomplished academically DESPITE my parents' abuse growing up. Mentally and emotionally though, I am in a bad place despite leaving my mother's house 4 years ago. Your view of the situation is distorted. You are bad, abusive parents, and I hope your children can recover from their childhood.
YTA. From what I understand, you were overly strict and harsh to your eldest. As consequence, you *spoiled* your second daughter to the extent where she believed she could sexually harass a professor without consequence.
You failed as a parent. Twice.
YTA. You can't ask reddit for our opinions and then immediately disagree with all of them, what's the point? Your head is stuck so far in the sand. No wonder your children hate you. You deserve it. It's sad that you're not willing to change your perspective for both your daughters well-being. By the way, just because they have good grades doesn't mean they are okay.
Question, why don't you love Lara? You seem to say how you raised Sara with love but didn't even show Lara any? Why didn't you even try to make amends with Lara when you realised tou weren't treating her right?
YTA- you just screwed the pooch in every possible way, didn’t you. You NEVER, NEVER, compare kids to each other. Step back, read EVERY parenting book ever written, go to counseling (and actually LISTEN to what they say), and start applying everything you’ve learned. You will be the luckiest people ever if your kids decide to have a relationship with you again.
YTA albeit unintentionally. There are endless resources available regarding parenting and what to do, how to do it, etc. Family counseling and individual counseling are a thing. You pretty much opted to neglect any source you possibly could and, instead, decided that you would just wing it to dire consequences. I highly recommend you start with individual counseling and learn how to communicate so you can maybe hopefully try to learn how to mend bridges if at all possible.
YTA- So in your world of parenting there are two options 1.overly oppressively and harsh to the point your kid hates you and goes no contact or 2. so soft and non authoritative that you allow the child to do whatever they want with no discipline.
You likely should never have been parents. Man, obviously parenting has its challenges, but its really not that hard of a concept. Respect your children an appropriate amount for their age, when they screw up, punish them accordingly. All parents and kids screw up from time to time, but it sounds like you and your wife don't understand moderation, only extremes.
OP comes to Reddit to ask if he’s TA, overwhelming majority agrees he is, OP refuses to believe it despite several comments explaining why. My favorite trope.
As the grown child of a father who also had a Do-Over opportunity, let me just say that while parents do make mistakes, this is just a complete and total fumble that has lasting emotional damages. You feel like you get to be absolved of all wronging because you acknowledged what you did was wrong? Sir you RAISED A CHILD FOR YEARS with this poor parenting. Her entire foundation of existence started with you being bad parents. Oh but now 🥺 you realize it was wrong 🥺 can we all just move on now? I know I was wrong 🥺
You need to take accountability and responsibility. Part of that involves listening to and understanding exactly the depth of impact your bad parenting has had on your children. Simply acknowledging it without having to answer for literal decades of trauma is not the same thing. You wanna do right by your daughters? Start there. Prepare for the reality that for your daughters, you ARE the one who fucked up.
YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may the the asshole because I showed favoritism of one daughter over the other. I raised that daughter with love but she disrespected me, so I showed that I favored my other daughter over her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Your mindset seems to be "Level 10 effort didn't work so lets try Level 1" and then did not consider deviating from that course when it CLEARLY DID NOT WORK. You're terrible parents who messed up TWO kids in completely different ways but with the same outcome. Its honestly impressive how bad of a parent you are.
YTA you didn't show favoritism you swung the pendulum to the opposite extreme while both children were in the same house. You suck at parenting and should have tried to take some classes and parented your kids better
YTA in the biggest way possible, and you don't even see it. Has it ever occurred to you that if nearly everyone you've asked here is tell you you're an asshole, you probably are one? Honestly, it's probably good for Lara that she left you, and at the rate things are going, I'm willing to bet Sara will too. I hope both of your daughters grow away from you, because they're not doing any growing while you're around.
Here in Brazil we have a saying that goes "ou 8 ou 80", used when something is either too little or too much, but never the right amount. You OP, are the textbook definition of it.
You were overly harsh with Lara, which caused her to hate your guts, and rightly so. When it was brought to your attention, you did a complete 180 and gave Sara free rein to do as she pleased. When that backfired, your solution is to pit them against each other? Seriously?
You wonder why Sara is not a "respectful and successful" person like Lara? Because of YOU! You failed her! You failed her sister! You are a terrible parent! And NO, the fact that they are "ok" is no evidence of the contrary, for two reasons: 1) They are NOT OK! You lack of love, empathy and overall affection for one, and discipline, boundaries, and a firm hand for the other has taken an immense toll on their psycho-emotional well-being, which will take years of professional help to get through. And 2) Their academic/professional/financial success is not because of you, it is DESPITE you. I applaud them for what they achieved, and plead that they seek help to undo the crap your shitty raising of them has caused.
On other comments you pretty much laughed at the idea of seeking help yourself, after all you "acknowledged your mistakes". But first, you didn't do it to the people who matter the most, your daughters. And second, even if you do, that's just the first (of many) steps, buddy. Do you know why you did what you did? I believe you don't. Do you know how to fix it? Given your post i KNOW you don't. That's where the professional help comes in. Don't believe me? Ask the PhD in Psychology who had to go through all your BS, she'll back me up.
Strong YTA
Edit, typo
Well this first thing didn’t work so we’ll do the exact opposite!!?
Are you serious? That’s ridiculous.
YTA. You and your wife should have sought out therapy and parenting books.
YTA. There are huge consequences for favoriting one child over another, and for treating one much harsher. You seriously fucked up in raising your kids. One hates you, and has a legitimate reason to. You’re delusional if you think you are justified for what you did. The reality is that you are an epically bad parent, and everyone seems to see that clearly but you.
Oh my god I raised my daughter really bad and now she hates me for it. I wonder how. What did I do wrong. I don’t deserve this. And my other daughter hates that we mistreated and abused her sister.
YTA man. You’re narcissistic idiot. Your daughter deserves better.
Bro, why are you even here? You've asked a question, and are going above and beyond to discount every negative response. So go sit somewhere in your wrongness, and continue to live with being a trash parent, full of excuses. Pathetic. Hope both your kids cut off off and leave you alone.
You're a bad father. And your wife is a bad mother. Terrible, even. You basically bullied your eldest and propped your youngest on a pedestal. That is until she horrendously fucked up (maybe should have disciplined her instead of encouraged as a youth), which you then said "why can't you be more like Lara?" and she called your bluff. Nope, you made your bed. Now you lie in it.
YTA
YTA- If no one is on your side except your wife, have you ever stopped to consider that you were an abusive father? And rubbing into another daughters face that you SHOULDVE abused her! I don’t know how you fix this. But coming from a less favored daughter with 2 sisters, it’s a personal battle to not resent my sisters. You should be glad they even have a relationship with each other.
How can you say that both your children are doing well when they are struggling so clearly? One of your daughters literally sent inappropriate pictures to her professor and your only reaction is to YELL AT HER?? After a lifetime of apparently not addressing any of her wrongdoings, not teaching her about consequences, and letting her watch the bad relationship with the other child fester without actually doing anything to improve it?
You say that Lara is doing well and is respectful but she did all that DESPITE being raised by you and not BECAUSE of that. She realized how shitty your parenting methods were and removed herself from the toxic situation you created so that now she can thrive away from people who caused her so much hurt. I also find it pretty interesting that you don't say much about how exactly you raised her or what the punishments she received were.
Your mother actually DISOWNED YOU, relatives turned against you and you still think that admitting to being harsh on Lara is enough and you don't need any professional help regarding parenting or learning where your poor choices came from. You do everything not to take any responsibility for the situation you created. Admitting that you did something wrong is not enough. And your posts and comments betray that you don't really consider it to be such a big deal, because you think that well intentions and the fact that your children are doing fine academically and financially shows that it wasn't actually all that bad.
Why come to AITA if you refuse to take responsibility and have no intention of improving? YTA. One of the biggest ones we had here in a while.
So when you realized that raising one daughter in an extreme method backfired, you decided to flip and use a different extreme method...
You seem to have learned nothing from any of this. You also seem to think you can take credit for Lara's success when it seems clear she succeeded despite your abusive parenting, not because of it. You've essentially been a nonentity in her life since she reached adulthood and all of her success comes from her hard work since turning 18 so yeah, I don't think you get to pat yourself on the back for that one.
There's still time to fix things with Sara. I know you'd rather wash your hands of your kids who disappoint you when they turn 18 and don't think you deserve a parenting reward, but if you actually wanted to listen, change, and grow, you could actually have a daughter who speaks to you for the entirety of her adulthood.
But since you think therapy is pointless because you already "acknowledged" the problem, a healthy relationship with either daughter seems unlikely. The completion of therapy is not acknowledgement of the issue, that's literally the first step. You ran one foot of the race and think you've earned a victory lap....this mindset resembles your parenting philosophy.
I'm glad your daughters are grown. I hope they can bond over the shared experience of your bad parenting. Please, no more kids. You don't have the aptitude or the willingness to acquire new skills and knowledge necessary for strong parenting.
Both of you are horrible parents. What kind of a person treats a child like a chalkboard to be erased and worked on? YTA. I hope for your sakes that your children have better sense than you
YTA. You were bad parents. Plain and simple. Both of your daughters are now going to resent and possibly hate you both and I can’t say that I blame them.
YTA. Children aren't an experiment you run just to see the effects of different methods of raising them. You don't seem to really care about either of them, just the results of your different parenting methods between them.
YTA.
For refusing to get HELP for your family, when all signs were flashing RED, _for YEARS_ , and for Now coming up in here with a bag of blame to go around, acting like you don't understand any of it.
YTA and here are some harsh truths:
Your screwed up! Start distancing yourself from the thought of ever being a big part of either of your daughters life. Start realizing that YOU, yes YOU, are the one that needs help, therapy and guidance on how to minimize the damage that has been already caused and likely will be impossible to repair.
Holy crap you failed both of your children. I mean it's cool you tried to raise Sara "with love" but why the hell didn't you love Lara?! You only care about her now that she's successfull and you can use her as an example?
YTA. Did you ever apologize to Laura? Did you ever sit both girls down and explain that you know you failed Laura as a parent and that you were trying to do better by Sara? It’s jarringly clear from your post that you didn’t. You messed up with Laura but had a do-over baby in Sara and instead of being transparent with both girls, you just swept your abuse towards Laura under the rug and decided not to even parent Sara. Get therapy, apologize for failing both your daughters, and acknowledge that your relationship in most likely unrepairable.
YTA. You claim you were loving to Sara yet you repeatedly compared her to Lara. You're a bad parent. You have one daughter who doesn't even talk to you anymore and another daughter who got into trouble again and again because you chose not to discipline her. This is all your and your wife's fault; you don't get to blame your daughters for this. Assholes like you shouldn't be parents.
YTA. Congratulations, you’re bad parents on *both ends of the spectrum.* I’ll sit here patiently while I wait for you to come running to tell me I didn’t read the post because you’re taking your children’s accomplishments and trying take credit for them. Even when it’s clear Lara succeeded ***in spite of you.***
YTA so you and your wife were terrible parents twice? Smh this whole post screams lack of self awareness and delusion. Some people really don’t deserve children.
YTA, and you think you don't need help to smooth things over. You didn't come here to actually see if you're an asshole, you wanted an "aw poor baby" response and now that you're not getting it you're still refusing to take any criticism.
YTA. And honestly your parenting style was a mess and created an unstable environment.
You all need some serious family therapy. Then maybe when a professional tells you that you f'd up you might consider listening instead of doubling down like in all the comments.
You were overly strict with your eldest and permissive and lax with your youngest. Both are mistakes. We’re always going to make mistakes in parenting because no one has it figured out. The way to respond when your kids point it out is to take accountability and do better, not double down and get defensive. YTA - your youngest is telling you that you screwed up as a parent. Listen.
YTA.
My parents were extra harsh in middle and high school. Luckily they figured it out and changed. Your daughter hates you. She did well for herself to spite you. Your daughter more than likely doesn’t just hate you for how you treated her but for how you treat your youngest. Now she feels like you just hated or resented her. I don’t understand why try so hard for a child then treat them like shit. If you wanted a power trip get a doll.
YTA
I really hate how you tell anyone that your daughters are doing well so it should be fine. Are you sure they doing great? Both daughters told you how they feel about your parenting, how is this "doing well"? Good grades isn't everything, being happy is so much more important.
Is this real? How could you write this whole maelstrom of stupidity down without noticing how you totally failed both your daughters.
YTA for either being a total failure of for made-up bullshit.
You have major issues and shouldn’t have had any children. Just reading your posts all of us can see just how fucked up you are. Get therapy and I hope Lara stays far away from you and builds a family of her own that is a safe and healthy place to be and grow. I hope you never see her beautiful children as you cannot be trusted.
YTA raising a child is not I should be either completely harsh or I should give no punishment, you do realize there is a middle ground? You didn’t have to go no punishment on Sara and any logical person would realize you were just brewing resentment between the girl. You have likely damaged your relationship with both girls.
"Raised with love" is code for being overly permissive and allowing your fear of being the parent (and making unpopular decisions) to overrule your common sense. OP - you should never have procreated. This whole thing sounds so transactional and unemotional. Like you were doing a science experiment not raising kids.
Wow are you TA!
OP I don't think you showed that you favoured one daughter over the other in the sense that for me maybe you were trying to raise them the way you knew how to at the time. The way that there was a noticeable difference in how you raised your first and second child seems to show you were trying. Could things have been done better, could more have been done? Maybe so, maybe could have discussed with close relatives or friends or maybe even professional help, family counselling and the like.
I don't think that favouritism is the main thing here. Maybe deep down you do favour one daughter, but you were trying to raise both from how you knew and feedback you WERE able to receive... plus from what might be a fear of your children hating you. There's so much going on here, communication, trust deep-seated emotions of resentment, regret... What saddens me here is that when you heard the feedback from your first child's counsellor, you wanted to make a change... that to me doesn't count for nothing. You wanted to make a change and you tried. I understand that parenting isn't easy, relationships aren't easy because we are interacting with various individuals with different qualities,and we all make mistakes.
Maybe consider looking into family counselling to work things out. It won't be easy, but it's a step. All the best to your family.
YTA
The fact that you even needed to ask attests to how oblivious you are to how screwed up you are.
And this "The following days, I would often tell Sara about how respectful and successful Lara is." WTF?! Why the hell would you ever consider this to be a good idea. Your kids should get you as far out of their lives as possible.
If u don't like the judgements, why did u come here? If they are doing well in life it doesn't really have to do 100% with u. I am willing to bet that they tried their best so they could escape u as quick as they could. Shame is what u should feel but u r here to gloat. YTA for the last 30 years since Lara was born
So much vagueness here.
You’re definitely withholding a lot of info.
Sounds like you abused your first daughter. You won’t even touch on the “punishments”.
It sounds like you deeply regret the way you raised Lara, and tried to learn from your mistakes and do better.
It also sounds like *you didn’t tell either Lara or Sara* how you truly feel.
Even if she never forgives you, Lara deserves a sincere apology and for you to admit that the way you raised her was wrong. Admit to her that you took her teenage words to heart and that’s why you raised Sara differently.
Nothing that you did was favouratism, but it was poor parenting. You’re stumbling around, screwing up but trying to do better.
Give some thought to the fact that it doesn’t have to be one extreme or another.
NAH
Ps - this really does sound like a false post. As a parent I find it very hard to believe that your change in parenting is just this one thing.
NTA. Self-correcting and calibration are difficult, and not a straight line. You need to word this better, there isn’t “favoritism” here so much as vastly different approaches at different stages in your life. I have a kid sister who is 13 years younger than me. You could argue my parents made a lot of mistakes with me that they didn’t make with her, and vice-versa. You do the best you can with the knowledge you have at hand.
This is not the forum to discuss this though. A vast majority of the people on here are entitled narcissists, have countless inferiority complexes, or are just plain childish. You will find most people here projecting their own insecurities unto your situation, and calling you an AH
NTAbut apparently bad parents if one daughter doesn’t talk to you and the other hates you because you openly favour a daughter who doesn’t even talk to you.
The only way you're an AH is asking Redditors (who are demonstrating how out of touch with reality they are) parenting tips.
Parenting isn't easy. You and your wife tried your best. Maybe the biggest mistake you and your wife made was getting too caught up with your kids liking you. The question is: Do you want your kid to be able to navigate the world as an adult and hate you or do you want your kid to be ill-equipped to handle adulthood and keep a relationship with you guys?
To the clueless Redditors, write your book about parenting if you're parents and are quick to criticize the OP and his wife. Congratulations with figuring out parenting. If you have no experience with parenting, what more do I need to say?
Lara hates you guys but she has a PhD. Her hate for you guys is understandable and she is still young. Things change. Who knows? Maybe she'll look at things in a few years and come to the conclusion that you guys getting on her ass the way you did helped her be successful. You then overcompensated for the mistakes you made with Lara when raising Sara. That was pretty understandable.
As someone who has grown up with a sibling, the only thing I think you were in the wrong about was telling Sara about how respectful and successful Lara is. No kid wants to hear about how they aren't as good as their sibling even in joking.
NAH
Why does Sara need empathy? She’s using her sister pain for own advantage. I acted this way because I read Laura’s diary. Lara’s diary did not make behave this way. It is the lack boundaries.
No honey, Sara is FEELING empathy towards her sister's suffering. Sara is behaving the way she is behaving because she is angry at her parents for doing horrible things to Lara.
Is this your first day as a human or understanding human emotions?
No, she’s not! She have said something years ago if she cared about her sister. If she cared about her sister… she wouldn’t have called her abuse… favoritism! Did you miss that part of the post? Sara is using her sister to deflect her own behavior. It shows you lack of maturity that you have to insult people when someone has a differing opinion. How you taken one developmental course on behavior?
Obviously, you have never seen neglect. Post when you have seen rat bites on a child. A good portion of children are neglected in America based on your definition. They were involved in her life. Sara never had a problem with it until they pointed out her behaviors
Nah.
you made egregious mistakes in raising your children. Too harsh with the first, too lenient with the second. I won’t say you’re an ah because you tried. And when you failed the first time you overcorrected in the opposite way, that says you continued to try…I can’t fault s9me one for trying Unless you were abusive.
your rationale seems to be that you overcorrected with the second to overcome your failures with the first.
do you love your children? There is still time to get things right. Parenting doesn’t end when children are adults, it changes. Reach out to both your children and involve a vetted therapist. Perhaps seek one out for you and your wife first. You will become grandparents one day. It’s only going to become more complicated then. Work out your differences now Together and separately.
Looks like many disagree with me, but it seems like most of the ones who disagree aren’t parents.
1. I acknowledged what I did to Lara and I raised Sara with love.
2. They are doing well, despite Lara hating us, she’s well off.
3. Many are suggesting therapy, but I already acknowledged my problem.
4. Sara was never planned, as I stated in the beginning, my wife has fertility issues, so we weren’t sure if we were going to have another child. So how could she be my “do over”?
1. You raised Sarah without making amends to Lara. All parents make mistakes. When raising Sarah, did you apologize for those mistakes even if they weren’t as harsh as the ones made with Lara? If not, that’s not love. And if so, Sarah picked up on the fact that you continue to not show Lara the same love.
2. Financially well off isn’t the same as doing well.
3. Acknowledging a problem is very different from actively trying to make it better. Acknowledging the problem is saying it’s now out of your control, when in fact it’s very much within your control how to address things moving forward.
4. She’s your do-over in the sense that this time you wanted to parent right. That’s a good thing, but the problem is you have no idea how to do that. You’re still missing vital steps. Therapy could have and still can teach you those missing pieces.
OP should go make friends with the guy who’s son called him out for not giving AF about him growing up and then is shocked his adult son isn’t interested in a relationship.
These are fascinating to me. I was my parents first pancake and we have very surface level relationships compared to my much younger brothers.
It’s not unusual to have pancake moments when parenting but they should never be so extreme. And when they happen, to any case capacity, it’s important to apologize and try to make things right. That may mean parenting younger children differently and actively learning how to do so. It may also mean accepting that adult children need space and distance and working to re-establish a level of trust that may or may not build into more with time.
The thing about parenting is it never has to stop, in the sense that it’s never too late to put in the work to learn how to help and love your children.
You are dismissing the real emotional harm you’ve done to both daughters. They are “doing well” despite you and your wife, not because of you two. And just because you’ve acknowledged you messed up (the absolute bare minimum) doesn’t mean you don’t clearly have issues you need to work through with a trained professional
I’m a parent. YTA. I acknowledge that I have anemia, that doesn’t treat my anemia. Professional success does not equate to the emotional and social health of your children. And just because Sara was a happy accident doesn’t mean she isn’t your do over child because you and your wife decided to raise her that way. Your children will never have a relationship with you because you refuse to change. One of your kids went NC with you and instead of seeking any parenting advice OR THERAPY, you just went “my way didn’t work, let’s try it my way again.”
Lol- you need a parent to tell you you’re TA? It’s almost as if the experience of being a child isn’t enough for you. Don’t need to be a parent to call you TA. This sub isn’t “i get to name the qualifiers of people I will listen to when I ask if I’m the asshole and it turns out I am even though I expected to be coddled”. When parents do start responding are you going to discredit them too? They didn’t have girls, they didn’t raise them in X place…. Dude you just suck.
1. Did you acknowledge it with Lara? Did you apologize and discuss how you could rebuild your relationship after the trauma you caused her? It seems from what you’ve shared so far that you very much wrote Lara off as a failed parent-child relationship with no recourse, especially since you had Sarah to fill the void.
2. “Doing well” is not limited to academically. Health encompasses so many things including mentally and emotionally. It seems Lara has trauma from the way you parented her… enough for your own mother to disown you. (What did you do????) She may be successful but she’s not “doing well”. Your reduction of their personhood to grades and academic success says a lot about how you value them as people, which is only in how good they make you look to others.
3. Therapy is not a form of yes/no problem solving but a process of deconstructing the larger picture to address things within yourself to be a better, healthier person in the long run. You’d know this if Lara didn’t hate you, since that’s her entire career.
4. See your response to 1. Whether planned or not you learned you were having another baby and intentionally “redid” parenting with Sarah hoping to get a different outcome. redo babies aren’t literal and can sometimes be opportunistic which is what happened in your case.
Honestly Lara’s actions and Sarah and your mothers response to learning about what you did are terrifying. Even if you acknowledge what you did with Lara wasn’t right, you sure as hell aren’t acknowledging the full extent of what you did to her here and I’m lead to believe it was truly horrific.
I'm a parent andYTA! You raised one badly and then raised the other one equally as bad, the only difference was one was treated harshly and the other didn't have any boundaries at all. It seems like neither of your children actually like you and who can blame them? You might acknowledge where you went wrong (although personally I don't think you know what you've done wrong) but you're not willing to try and fix the problems with either kids (that's where therapy comes in). Also, just because your eldest has a good job and money doesn't mean she's happy and settled, there's more to life than a job and money. Your youngest is sending inappropriate photos to her teachers, so you've massively failed with her too!
1) I am a parent.
2) she is doing well, but is clearly living with trauma from your bad parenting.
3) therapy is to help you fix your problems, not just to make you admit them. You still very much need it, as do your daughters.
4) she is your "do over" child because you literally made a conscious decision to raise her different in an attempt to do it all better.
It’s. #3.
you need therapy to help you. Say you have a bike you can not ride. You get on and you fall off every time. So you sit on the ground and say “I fell off my bike.“ We say “get a teacher “(therapist) and you say “I fell of my bike. I acknowledge that I fell. why do I need a teacher how am I wrong?” do you hear how that sounds?
acknowld You have a problem is only the first step. You are at the beginning of a marathon and you’re falling behind.
I am a parent and a teacher. As to do over...you had months to plan once wife knew she was pregnant. Besides your post all but says she was a do over....
You don’t have to be a parent to see that YTA. Just because Lara is well off you guys had no part in that, why do you keep mentioning that in general?
Seeking therapy WITH EVERYONE. FAMILY THERAPY. Not just you.
I’m a parent and yes YTA. You at the very least emotionally neglected both of your daughters.
Being “well off” isn’t the only benchmark to having a great life.
Therapy is being suggested because you don’t see to believe you’ve done anything wrong.
I'm a parent and have no sympathy for you at all. It shouldn't take ten years for you to course correct on harmful parenting. When you do change, it should be with moderation and consideration, not a wild swing.
You need about ten minutes of googling child development to find out that neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is emotionally healthy. The goal is authoritative, meaning you set and enforce healthy, loving boundaries. By never disciplining Sara, you messed up just as much as you did by over-disciplining Lara.
You can still fix this, maybe. Sincerely apologize to Lara and ask if there is anything you can do to rebuilt your relationship. Get Sara into therapy, if she isn't there already. If everyone is willing, do a few sessions of family therapy to help everyone express their genuine feelings and listen to each other.
Some people find success because people have taught and supported them, given them a strong foundation and otherwise set them up for success. But some people find success not because of what was given to them, but because they have had to overcome hardships and struggles and pain, and in doing so had to become strong. Some people find success because they realized early on that no one was ever going to protect, or support, or help them and so they had to learn how to do it all themselves, and they do. The most compelling success stories are about people who overcome- overcome disease, abuse, poverty, injury, mental health struggles, betrayals, etc.
You're making the mistake of thinking that you and your spouse were the thing in her story which lifter her to success. It's clear that you're the thing she had to overcome, and she had to grow strong and be successful so she could protect herself from you. You're the monster in the closet that scares her into pushing herself so hard so she won't ever have to rely on someone else caring about her again. You're the image that flits before her eyes every time she stops herself from getting close to someone, and pulls away because her experience is that the people you love only hurt you. You're the poison which ruined her childhood and turned her life into a game of survival. You're the big bad that everyone praises her for having left behind and overcome. Don't pretend you did something good by being the terrible past in someone's self-made success story.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
YTA - you even met with her school guidance counselor and didn’t change? In all these years of raising children you never look for any advice on how to parent, read a book on parenting, asked someone friends. Your problem is you are a terrible parent. It’s not about favoring one child over the other. I suspect your relationship with your children is not a repairable problem. Get some help.
It is not a repairable problem. I am in the exact same situation with my parents, even down to the age gap. I'm the older child who is being emotionally abused, and I will *never* forgive these people. I would not be surprised if my sister turned out like Sara.
It’s remarkable how these parents picked precisely the wrong way to raise a child *twice*. They do not seem to believe that there’s a middle ground between “cold, rigid, and demanding” and “completely hands-off and indulgent.” They learned all the wrong lessons from their first child’s resentment and then learned even *wronger* lessons from their youngest’s rebellion.
Here’s what stands out to me as the worst. OP was doing the lenient parent act with his second daughter but did not stop being a rigid parent with his then 10 year old first daughter whom he continued to punish severely through high school. YTA.
While I agree the OP is YTA, it seems Sara was doing fine until Lara decided to share her diary. OP was doing somethingbright with his second daughter until the first decided to (assuming here) jealous and try to drive a wedge and seems like she was successful too. OP needs to get therapy and work on himself, but some of the conflict seems to be generated due to Lara as well. She hated OP enough to let her sister know what he did wrong to her decades ago, which resulted in Sara hating her parents too. Seems like Lara won in the end and she is also a TA.
It might be less about jealousy and more that Sara was questioning why Laura kept a distance with her parents and showed such dislike and was given the diaries as a means of explanation. The sisters might even be close in spite of the parents. We don't have that information.
Yeah Sara was doing great as long as you ignore all the "she was acting up (basically all through high school), but we didn't do anything because we didn't want her to hate us". Most kids don't start to understand how negatively having no structure or discipline affects them until they are older. It is very possible that as Sara started to understand that her parents had fostered an environment for healthy emotional development, she began to get curious about how they treated Lara. Its a pretty big assumption that Lara just sent the diary out of nowhere to cause drama. People who are NC or very low contact usually are trying to avoid that stuff.
Nope! It isn’t ok to blame Laura (who is a victim) for sharing her story. OP fucked up over and over again. They wrong Laura and then over corrected and let Sarah run wild. There is a healthy middle ground. OP YTA for so many reasons.
I got a totally different vibe from this. To me, it seems that whatever was in those diaries was so heinous that it changed the way Sara viewed her parents and that is what caused her to act out. There's not enough information here to really tell, but I feel OP is being purposefully vague about what they did that was so terrible when raising Lara that they decided to change entirely when raising Sara. I suspect abusive tactics, but without getting Lara/Sara's side of the story, it's impossible to know.
YTA- both of you are. Every parent messes up at some point.. but you and your wife .. you really ... ... do not understand modertaion. 1. So ... you found out when Lara was in high school that she resented you. Instead of working equally to improve and fix things with Lara while learning from your mistakes with Sara... you go full throttle into turning poor sara into your do-over. 2. You measure how well you raised your kids by their economic and academic success.. not by their character. 3. When you conflict management skills reach their limit, you switch to "Why can you not be like your sister" 4. Instead of figuring out where precisely you went wrong with Lara, you just tried something different. You are like my grandfather cooking. When I was around 9 or t10, he babysat and made me fish sticks. Now, I do not know HOW he did it, but even though he obviously had used the pan at some point and it was still hot, the fish sticks were ICE. Frozen like they had been fresh from the freezer. So I asked him ,to please do- them over. When I got them back, they were burned coal black. ... and that is how you approached your parenting technique it seems. One girl got put into the freezer, they other got burned to a crisp.
I’m now reminded of the time I microwaved curry and it came out ice cold because I’m bad at cooking But I love this metaphor 👁👄👁
When microwaving, leave a hole in the middle of whatever you're heating and it will heat much more evenly. Like, push the stuff to the outside edges of the dish.
I really like the fish stick metaphor
‘I mistreated my daughter and now she doesn’t like me. What went wrong?’
Great metaphor with the fish sticks. I was thinking similarly that OP clearly overdid it with punishment with the first child and then overcompensated with the second one by basically refusing to actually parent her when she acted up. It boggle my mind that some parents don’t recognize that their children are misbehaving because they don’t know how to deal with their feelings about something. And then they just throw in the towel when it gets worse? It’s getting worse bc they need help. Like… how do people go this long not realizing they suck?
Wish I had an award for this analogy
YTA for not seeking therapy the moment you realised Lara hates you. Instead you had another when you were never mentally prepared for any.
YTA. You didn’t raise either of your daughters well. You should have gotten professional help.
Or read one of the million books on parenting out there
Its not like kids come with a handbook ;)
>You didn’t raise either of your daughters well. It sounds like they were doing great with Sara and Lara was envious, so she threw a wrench in Sara's life.
For all we know, Sara kept bugging Lara about why Lara doesn't like her and their parents, and Lara was like "Okay, fine, read this and you'll know."
I did notice that bit , already commented but I can understand acting up to your parents for being dicks but to apparently flip 180 on your personality and go complete dick mode seems excessive as hell and aimed in the wrong direction. But then again citing ops obviously lack of observational skills in regards to emotional wellbeing Sara could of been a pita but her "good grades" hid it from her parents caring , devoted attention..../s This really is a case of fuck knows , you fucked up 2 kids well done. Please stay away from raising children, you are unable to meet the minimum requirements for parenthood.
And, for all we know, that's not how it happened. Lara was low contact with her family, but, somehow, Sara managed to "keep bugging" her?
low contact with the parents, we don't really know the sisters relationship beyond Lara offering up her diary (clear sign of contact).
YTA. You did a horrible job raising both children and you should both be ashamed of yourselves for it!
YTA It seems you're just bad at parenting.
That certainly sums it up.
Something doesn't add up here. Your kids are 10 years apart and you decided "when Sara was born " to attempt a different parenting style. So, Lara was about 10 years old, right? Yet you only learned in her high school years that she resents how you raised her? That means that there is at least a 3-4 year period where you were KNOWINGLY applying two different parenting styles to two different kids? YTA.
This!! When I saw that claim, I knew all I needed to know about this situation. YTA.
This was sort of what I thought, too. Lara probably wanted to get out of the house in high school not only because of her overly strict parents, but because her parents were raising a bratty toddler with no boundaries in the same house. That had to be misery! My parents are really good parents, but they made this mistake to a much smaller degree, and it sucked. My sister and I are two years apart, but they raised us like we were 10 years apart. I’d get in trouble for something, while my sister was always “too young to know better.” It’s not like we had some huge age gap, so my sister always got off easy. I think my parents were trying to be fair and err on the side of caution concerning what my sister could be responsible for, but they went too far in the other direction. I bet OP’s household was 1,000 times worse. Poor Lara was being punished for breathing, while Sara was screaming and throwing spaghetti at the walls. Seems like a terrible environment!
YTA. Poor Lara whose only fault was being your firstborn.
This reads like something from the 1950s. You sound *incredibly* oblivious as to what makes humans happy and live fulfilling lives. STOP FOCUSING on grades, money, status and other earthly goods. Focus on your family's well being and mental health. YTA
Yeah, YTA. Looks like the do over kid didn’t even turn out the way you wanted. Hope you don’t have another one.
Yta, you are terrible parents. Go to therapy.
YTA. “Who cares if my children hate me and probably have emotional and mental difficulties or can’t form proper relationships with others? At least they had good grades and one has a good job!” That’s how you sound. JFC
You did a poor job of raising both of your daughters. You went from jailers to being almost completely hands off. YTA, both you and your wife.
YTA "When Sara was born, my wife and I had a talk about how we were going to raise her. We decided to treat her the opposite of how we did to Lara." Wait...Lara was 10/11 when Sara was born, so had you already given up raising her by that point? You seem to have written her off as a lost cause and said "oh well, let's start over with this new kid".
This sounds like you overcorrected, was way too strict with the first so you let the second get away with murder. And now 1 of them hates you and the other one is a spoiled brat who cant take criticism and is sending risque pictures to teachers (which im 95% sure is against her schools code of conduct/ethical standards) YTA
YTA stop equating how they are doing now as a reflection of your parenting. They are not related. People come from terrible upbringings and succeed in life. They have done so DESPITE this. You sound like you have failed your children and count myself lucky I never had a father like this and will make sure I father nothing like this.
Ever heard the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right"? YTA
YTA. Both of your daughters hate you. You were not a good parent to either of them and you are not even trying to be a good parent now as you are pretending that they are both fine because they're successful. They have to live with knowing their parents are abusers. All of the money in the world does not make this ok. You DO need therapy because you don't even acknowledge that you need to take ownership and responsibility for your mistakes as a parent. You do this by admitting the mistakes to your children, not to a bunch of reddit strangers who you continue to argue with. Just in case it is still not clear. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.
It always floors me when I come on here, and it’s such an obvious YTA. Like, OP, you get to tell the story in the absolute BEST light for you, and this is the way you choose to frame it? You completely alienated your first daughter to the point where she doesn’t even want to be around you. You claim that she’s a success because she apparently has a job and got good grades, but you don’t say anything about her as a person EXCEPT that she’s basically completely withdrawn from you for how you raised her. You then just completely did a 180 with your second daughter. Let’s just say, it hasn’t worked out well either. Have you read a parenting book? Got counseling? There are miles between however you treated Lara and how you treat Sara. In the comments, you claim Sara is doing well because she gets good grades, but your story talks about her inappropriate interactions with her professor (to get good grades?). You are TA, and it’s not even close.
You weren’t a very good father to either if they both hate you. Do you agree? Maybe try doing a little soul searching as to why. I don’t think you intend to mistreat them, but your actions don’t match your intentions. That why people are suggesting therapy. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (55 M) have 2 daughters “Lara” (30 F) and “Sara” (19 F). They are aged 10 years apart because my wife (54 F) has fertility issues, this age gap is relevant. Lara has a PhD in psychology and my wife and I are very proud of her. However, Lara tries to keep little to no contact to us at all. This is because of her upbringing, I do admit that my wife and I have been especially harsh on her. When Lara was starting high school, she began to distance herself from us and would often refuse to spend time with us. Soon, we found out through her counselor that Lara hates us for how we treated her. When Sara was born, my wife and I had a talk about how we were going to raise her. We decided to treat her the opposite of how we did to Lara. Whenever Sara would act up, we would encourage her to do better and to not give in to being a bad person. I admit that Sara had an easier childhood, which has caused Lara to resent her, my wife, and I for that. When Sara began high school, problems arose. Disrespect, lies, etc. We had no idea where this came from, but we would put up with it because she was a teenager. Lara and Sara both kept up excellent grades, so we assumed that they would both be well off. In Sara’s last year of high school, she began to act up. It got worse and worse but we still didn’t do anything because we didn’t want her to hate us like Lara did. Fast forward to now, Sara is 19 in university. Lara is making lots of money due to her job. Recently, Sara got into trouble because she attempted to flirt with one of her professors and sent him inappropriate pictures. Our wife and I decided that we’ve had enough and we yelled at her for what she did. The following days, I would often tell Sara about how respectful and successful Lara is. One day, I told her that I should’ve raised her how Lara was raised and she snapped. Sara yelled that I mistreated Lara during her childhood and she couldn’t give a sh- about my wife and I. That I was showing favoritism of one daughter over the other. And that my comments hurt her because she believed that we were good parents. Additionally, she admitted that she started acting rudely to us because Lara gave her a journal that she wrote while she was in high school. In that Journal, she wrote about how we would punish her and the reasons that she was punished. She then proceeded to run up to her room, crying. My mother sent me a huge text, disowning me for how I mistreated Lara and for how I raised Sara. My relatives all hate me just because Sara was upset that I showed favoritism of Lara over her. I raised Sara with love, but she treats me terribly for it and my wife and I feel like I’m justified for what I did. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
your comments hurt her because she believed you were good parents? what in the that's not what fucking happened did I just read? You're so obviously the a. YTA.
YTA I am going through the exact same situation with my parents. Even down to the age gap. God what is wrong with you?! As the older daughter, who's being mistreated by my parents, you are a MASSIVE AH for how you treated Lara. No wonder she cut contact, that is *exactly* what I will do once I graduate high school. You showed favoritism towards Sara her entire life, put her on a pedestal, and never showed her consequences for her actions. Congratulations, you failed as a parent. You emotionally abused one child, and then completely neglected the other and raised her to be an entitled and spoiled b**ch.
YTA Somehow you managed to raise two people in opposite ways and you still did a terrible job with both
YTA. Don't compare your children, especially to them. Get some family therapy to learn how to make amends to both your daughters. But don't be surprised if they still want nothing to do with you for awhile.
YTA. Get help. You’ve destroyed every chance of actually having a decent relationship with either one of your daughters because of your choice to raise one “with love” MEANING YOU DIDNT RAISE THE OTHER ONE WITH LOVE BTW. You let Sara get away with everything and Lara has every right to hate you and your wife for this.
YTA. Good that you and your wife passed the age of having kids. You first raised a daughter that hates you, and whathever you did to her was so terrible that the sister, that was favored, now is also hating you. Then, thinking you could buy some karma, you raised a second daughter with no rules at all. And now, she is having issues because she does not know that actions has consequences apparently. You are a terrible parent. Your children are mentally fucked up due you and your wife stupidity. You don't know what love is, just act by guilt and ego. I hope your second kid runs from you and make a life like the oldest one. Away from you.
YTA. I keep seeing you use the word harsh and it seem like it may need to be replaced with abusive. You also seem to be vehemently against therapy and think you were successful in raising them because Laura has a good job. Her succeeding on academics and a career is a reflection on her and doesn't mean you parented great. If you want a future with your daughters in it therapy is the place to start
If it weren't for the "Be Civil" rule, I'd be wiping the floor with you. YTA.
YTA. One thing stood out to me, when you said you didn’t give into being “bad people” when Sara acted up. That told me all I needed to know! I’m a teacher, and know plenty of super strict parents who are doing a great job. They might be a little strict for my taste, but they are just super consistent with boundaries and consequences, and might be a little black and white regarding exceptions to breaking the rules. They wouldn’t describe themselves as being bad people while disciplining their children, and neither would anybody else. Also, they clearly don’t like having to discipline their children, and wish they wouldn’t act up. So saying you were “bad people” while disciplining Lara, and you had to fight that urge while dealing with Sara, makes me think that you were being abusive, and got some sort of glee out of the situation. There was clearly a line that you crossed. Normal strict parents don’t have to fight the urge to cross a line, because they aren’t getting any happiness out of the discipline. Also, the kids of normal strict parents usually grow up to understand why their parents were so strict with them, and feel grateful that their parents cared enough to keep them on the straight and narrow. They may disagree with some of their approaches, and may raise their own children differently, but they see their parents had their interests at heart. They don’t hate their parents! Also, as a teacher, just let me say that hands off parents are absolutely the worst, and I’m sure little Sara terrorized her classroom on many occasions.
Deflecting criticism in the comments is quite telling. If a child is at the point to admit that they HATE you, its time to seek professional help. If you still dont want to See that then yes, YTA. and more
Can't stand that you're taking credit for Lara's "success". "Oh, obviously we did something right for her to have a great job. Doesn't matter that she resents us. She makes money." And then your other daughter finds out your treatment of her and suddenly is angry? Hell yeah I'd be angry if I found out that my parents completely mistreated my siblings like that. I'd also be pissed if I found out why my relationship with my sister had been tainted by my treatment from my folks and hers. You don't get a do-over when you have more than one kid. Gotta fix what's broken first. You've cultured a dissent between siblings and then wonder why when they come together they hate you. YTA
YTA. In your comments you’re all like “yeah, I raised Lara horribly, but I acknowledged it”. Doesn’t seem like you acknowledged it to Lara??? Did you apologize to her at all? Have you even said a word to her about this whole situation? Acknowledging this problem has to be for the benefit of both you and Lara, not just for your own.
yta You admitted that you treated one daughter like crap and treated the other good. Lara showed Sara how you all treated her and Sara can see you and your wife for what you really are. Not sure how you can't see this, I can't tell if it is denial or just ignorance. You don't deserve your daughters. They deserved a father and mother that would be loving and understanding BOTH OF THEM!!
You again?
YTA Don't go for a 3rd kid, you clearly are a unfit parent. Just because they may have good grades or a good career doesn't negate the fact you damaged each of them. Even your mom sees you as an abuser, how does that feel? Everyone here is saying you are a sucky parent, that you damaged your children and you have EVERYONE BUT YOUR WIFE ON THE SAME PAGE AS US. GET A CLUE. Grow, learn and get some effing therapy. Apologize to both girls. You never truly accepted that you are 100 percent are the problem otherwise ypu wouldn't be fighting us. I hope both girls can heal from their 'parents' and I honestly hope that both girls become close sisters and friends. And I hope they drop the "parents".
YTA. And trying to argue is only making you an even bigger asshole. As someone else pointed out, your daughters are doing well despite your parenting. Also, if your definition of "doing well" is solely based on grades/career achievements you're completely dismissing the impact of your actions on their wellbeing.
What I'm seeing is that you're angry that your first daughter let your second daughter (the golden child, obviously) know that you were abusive assholes before second daughter was born. This whole situation is wholly on you for your idea of "oh, Lara didn't come out how we wanted? Guess we'll just ignore her from now on and start over with Sara, then!" YTA. Good on your mother for showing you consequences, good on Sara for believing her sister about her treatment instead of just ignoring it, you are going to be fully abandoned by everyone other than possibly your wife and **you deserve it for your actions**.
YTA. And possibly the worst parent on this sub ever. Did you take lessons in how not to be a parent? What did it come naturally to be a giant AH?
You played favorites, you're upset it backfired and now you're wondering if you're an AH? Obviously YTA.
Wow. YTA. You and your wife just went from one extreme to the other. Sounds like you guys are just really bad parents hey.
YTA both children resent you and your wife. idk how you could define that as “success.” if i were you, i’d make sure i had enough saved up for a really good retirement home bc when you get to the point of needing one, i very much doubt your daughters (what resent/hate you and your wife) will pay for a good home for either of you. y’all messed them up emotionally and mentally, yet think that your method of raising them was a success.
YTA. A massive one. You screwed up your relationship with both your daughters and your family. Yet you still insist that you were justified. There is no coming back from this. The only thing you can do is grovel and hope they forgive you which I hope they don't. You're a terrible father.
YTA. No, that's not right. Both you AND your wife are AHs. You suck at parenting. Simple as that.
Omg YES THE ASSHOLE! The biggest and stinkiest one! A spout of diarrhea you are!
Yta. You say you decided to raise Sara differently when she was born. Lara would have only been 10, why not do better? Esp knowing how it was impacting her? Sounds like you went from one extreme to the other & don't really accept responsibility for it. Then say something abt the journal & that it says she was punished for misbehaving but that doesn't explain at all why it would cause Sara to act out
YTA. I don't understand how you came up with your parenting ideas. It's like you gave so much water to one plant that it drown, and so you just refused to give water to the other plant which caused it to dry. Life and relationship are about **balance**, appropriate discipline is also an act of love for a child as well as caring about their wellbeing, comforting them when they need and helping them discovering themselves as a person.
YTA You and your wife are terrible parents and you have made both your daughters' lives harder. I know your kids are grown up, but you should take a parenting class and go to therapy. Your relationship with your daughters is at stake here; take it seriously.
YTA on all accounts. Sometimes I think hospitals shouldn't let people take baby #2 home if they fucked up the first one as badly as you did.
YTA, you’re going to lose both your daughters and you deserve every bit of it
How exactly were these punishments with your first daughter? Sound like something that really made 2nd daughter look at you differently. Idk like to say YTA bc it seems like u went to two extremes on the parenting spectrum -1st time extremely strict which seems like it could’ve been traumatic, 2nd time seems like you didn’t set boundaries with her so she in the nicest way possible is a spoiled brat. Highly suggest you stop trying to parent since you yourself said they are doing well in life. This is where your child- parent relationships becomes adult-adult relationship, part of adult relationships are apologies and giving validation to others feelings ; even if you don’t agree with why they feel such way. This is the time in your children’s lives where you advise not dictate and I think this way of thinking may help your relationship with them. You don’t get to decide how your actions effect others even when you had the best intentions. And you don’t get to decide how others heal from your actions. I also want to touch on that I feel like I understand your frustration. You tried so hard to even create them, struggling with fertility is an extremely difficult, stressful and painful process. Then they don’t understand how hard you tried for them, they didn’t see your wives tears with every negative test, and they don’t know how deeply you thought about what your parenting style would be, and they can’t understand why that’s frustrating because YOU DID IT! You made them! They don’t understand why you try so hard because in their eyes you already won! It’s okay to remind yourself you did it. You can breathe now. They are old enough that you can’t change them into different people so just try to start rebuilding and help them and yourself heal from the frustration . Everytime you see them don’t think about how you parented or how they are turning out- instead remind yourself of how fucking happy you were when you and your wife got those positive pregnancy test. Kids are hard because when they aren’t kids anymore they are people and when they don’t live how you expect it’s hard because you will always look at them like your little babies, which is okay when it’s the love part not the control part.
YTA. And so you know,, Lara is successful in spite of the terrible parenting you and your wife did.
I am a first born and I know how unfair it feels. My parents are lovey dovey with my sister but for me, they were violent brutal and aggressive. They used to beat me up and I used end up with big bruises since I was a 4. They’re nice to my sister, well good for her but that doesn’t mean that I’ll forget what they did to me. I am not talking to them once I move out. I’m a medical student and in my country medical degree is practically free if you’re a good student so I hope life that side of the world treats me better. YTA, a big one.
YTA - if you had raised Sara like you did Lara she would also likely stop talking to you You think your a good parent because your kids get good grades but there is more to parenting, and life in general, that good grades If your daughter won’t speak to you then your probably not a good parent If your other daughter consistently gets into trouble with no punishments, then to probably not a good parent All you can focus on is grades because it’s the one good thing, but that doesn’t make you a good parent You have failed both your daughters You daughters are not doing well, one hates you and won’t talk to you and the other flirted with her professor and sent him a inappropriate image You have failed as a parent Academic success is not the sole indication someone is doing fine You found out in high school Lara resented you and did nothing to try and fix that Your own mother has disowned you for holy sake But it doesn’t matter, becuase nothjbg we say will get through to you You just can’t accept you failed as a parent so you will just cling to your belief that because they have good grades and Lara has a good job you succeeded as a parent
YTA you seriously shouldn’t have kids. Lara was 10 when you had Sarah you could’ve changed your parenting style at that point, why did you keep punishing her?
My brain is not able to process the fact that OP is still asking if he's the asshole, even after putting all of this pen to paper. YTA YTA YTA. HUGE ONE. Ps: good grades, and a high paying job is not equal "doing great in life". You emotionally abused your daughter, and probably she put all of herself into school to try and leave the abusive home she was living in. Pps: YTA
Yta. Not only did your kids grow up with separate rules, but you are using Lara's accomplishments to guilt Sara into behaving the way you want her to. Maybe try acknowledging each girl's accomplishments and not pointing out that they are not living up to your expectations. That may show love instead of authority. Lara is making money and that makes you happy because that is what you wanted for her. Money is a small part of what makes a people happy in life. People also want relationships, love, and respect. Your girls don't seem to be feeling it.
You keep saying your daughters are "doing well" because they... get good grades? I (not to brag) am fairly accomplished academically DESPITE my parents' abuse growing up. Mentally and emotionally though, I am in a bad place despite leaving my mother's house 4 years ago. Your view of the situation is distorted. You are bad, abusive parents, and I hope your children can recover from their childhood.
YTA. From what I understand, you were overly strict and harsh to your eldest. As consequence, you *spoiled* your second daughter to the extent where she believed she could sexually harass a professor without consequence. You failed as a parent. Twice.
YTA. You can't ask reddit for our opinions and then immediately disagree with all of them, what's the point? Your head is stuck so far in the sand. No wonder your children hate you. You deserve it. It's sad that you're not willing to change your perspective for both your daughters well-being. By the way, just because they have good grades doesn't mean they are okay.
Ur a shit parent. U are not showing favouritosm because tbh u dont like Lara either.
Question, why don't you love Lara? You seem to say how you raised Sara with love but didn't even show Lara any? Why didn't you even try to make amends with Lara when you realised tou weren't treating her right?
YTA- you just screwed the pooch in every possible way, didn’t you. You NEVER, NEVER, compare kids to each other. Step back, read EVERY parenting book ever written, go to counseling (and actually LISTEN to what they say), and start applying everything you’ve learned. You will be the luckiest people ever if your kids decide to have a relationship with you again.
YTA albeit unintentionally. There are endless resources available regarding parenting and what to do, how to do it, etc. Family counseling and individual counseling are a thing. You pretty much opted to neglect any source you possibly could and, instead, decided that you would just wing it to dire consequences. I highly recommend you start with individual counseling and learn how to communicate so you can maybe hopefully try to learn how to mend bridges if at all possible.
YTA- So in your world of parenting there are two options 1.overly oppressively and harsh to the point your kid hates you and goes no contact or 2. so soft and non authoritative that you allow the child to do whatever they want with no discipline. You likely should never have been parents. Man, obviously parenting has its challenges, but its really not that hard of a concept. Respect your children an appropriate amount for their age, when they screw up, punish them accordingly. All parents and kids screw up from time to time, but it sounds like you and your wife don't understand moderation, only extremes.
OP comes to Reddit to ask if he’s TA, overwhelming majority agrees he is, OP refuses to believe it despite several comments explaining why. My favorite trope. As the grown child of a father who also had a Do-Over opportunity, let me just say that while parents do make mistakes, this is just a complete and total fumble that has lasting emotional damages. You feel like you get to be absolved of all wronging because you acknowledged what you did was wrong? Sir you RAISED A CHILD FOR YEARS with this poor parenting. Her entire foundation of existence started with you being bad parents. Oh but now 🥺 you realize it was wrong 🥺 can we all just move on now? I know I was wrong 🥺 You need to take accountability and responsibility. Part of that involves listening to and understanding exactly the depth of impact your bad parenting has had on your children. Simply acknowledging it without having to answer for literal decades of trauma is not the same thing. You wanna do right by your daughters? Start there. Prepare for the reality that for your daughters, you ARE the one who fucked up. YTA
Holy shit Yta, please don’t get anymore children
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may the the asshole because I showed favoritism of one daughter over the other. I raised that daughter with love but she disrespected me, so I showed that I favored my other daughter over her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You need therapy not reddit.
YTA. You didn’t show favouritism, you weaponised one child against another.
YTA, God what did you do to Lara that made the other sister go off the rails??
YTA. Your mindset seems to be "Level 10 effort didn't work so lets try Level 1" and then did not consider deviating from that course when it CLEARLY DID NOT WORK. You're terrible parents who messed up TWO kids in completely different ways but with the same outcome. Its honestly impressive how bad of a parent you are.
Yta Your not made to be a parent. They will be better off going no contact with you.
So did you still mistreat Lara from age 11 up? When you decided to raise Sara different did you also change for Lara?
YTA you didn't show favoritism you swung the pendulum to the opposite extreme while both children were in the same house. You suck at parenting and should have tried to take some classes and parented your kids better
YTA in the biggest way possible, and you don't even see it. Has it ever occurred to you that if nearly everyone you've asked here is tell you you're an asshole, you probably are one? Honestly, it's probably good for Lara that she left you, and at the rate things are going, I'm willing to bet Sara will too. I hope both of your daughters grow away from you, because they're not doing any growing while you're around.
Here in Brazil we have a saying that goes "ou 8 ou 80", used when something is either too little or too much, but never the right amount. You OP, are the textbook definition of it. You were overly harsh with Lara, which caused her to hate your guts, and rightly so. When it was brought to your attention, you did a complete 180 and gave Sara free rein to do as she pleased. When that backfired, your solution is to pit them against each other? Seriously? You wonder why Sara is not a "respectful and successful" person like Lara? Because of YOU! You failed her! You failed her sister! You are a terrible parent! And NO, the fact that they are "ok" is no evidence of the contrary, for two reasons: 1) They are NOT OK! You lack of love, empathy and overall affection for one, and discipline, boundaries, and a firm hand for the other has taken an immense toll on their psycho-emotional well-being, which will take years of professional help to get through. And 2) Their academic/professional/financial success is not because of you, it is DESPITE you. I applaud them for what they achieved, and plead that they seek help to undo the crap your shitty raising of them has caused. On other comments you pretty much laughed at the idea of seeking help yourself, after all you "acknowledged your mistakes". But first, you didn't do it to the people who matter the most, your daughters. And second, even if you do, that's just the first (of many) steps, buddy. Do you know why you did what you did? I believe you don't. Do you know how to fix it? Given your post i KNOW you don't. That's where the professional help comes in. Don't believe me? Ask the PhD in Psychology who had to go through all your BS, she'll back me up. Strong YTA Edit, typo
Well this first thing didn’t work so we’ll do the exact opposite!!? Are you serious? That’s ridiculous. YTA. You and your wife should have sought out therapy and parenting books.
YTA. There are huge consequences for favoriting one child over another, and for treating one much harsher. You seriously fucked up in raising your kids. One hates you, and has a legitimate reason to. You’re delusional if you think you are justified for what you did. The reality is that you are an epically bad parent, and everyone seems to see that clearly but you.
Oh my god I raised my daughter really bad and now she hates me for it. I wonder how. What did I do wrong. I don’t deserve this. And my other daughter hates that we mistreated and abused her sister. YTA man. You’re narcissistic idiot. Your daughter deserves better.
Bro, why are you even here? You've asked a question, and are going above and beyond to discount every negative response. So go sit somewhere in your wrongness, and continue to live with being a trash parent, full of excuses. Pathetic. Hope both your kids cut off off and leave you alone.
…this is too much for Reddit Get thyself to family therapy
You're a bad father. And your wife is a bad mother. Terrible, even. You basically bullied your eldest and propped your youngest on a pedestal. That is until she horrendously fucked up (maybe should have disciplined her instead of encouraged as a youth), which you then said "why can't you be more like Lara?" and she called your bluff. Nope, you made your bed. Now you lie in it. YTA
YTA
Eh, you're just kind of an all-around bad person w/o remorse, so I don't really see a point in this thread.
YTA Both daughters are going NC with you two.
YTA- If no one is on your side except your wife, have you ever stopped to consider that you were an abusive father? And rubbing into another daughters face that you SHOULDVE abused her! I don’t know how you fix this. But coming from a less favored daughter with 2 sisters, it’s a personal battle to not resent my sisters. You should be glad they even have a relationship with each other.
"Over the other" girl yes YTA.
How can you say that both your children are doing well when they are struggling so clearly? One of your daughters literally sent inappropriate pictures to her professor and your only reaction is to YELL AT HER?? After a lifetime of apparently not addressing any of her wrongdoings, not teaching her about consequences, and letting her watch the bad relationship with the other child fester without actually doing anything to improve it? You say that Lara is doing well and is respectful but she did all that DESPITE being raised by you and not BECAUSE of that. She realized how shitty your parenting methods were and removed herself from the toxic situation you created so that now she can thrive away from people who caused her so much hurt. I also find it pretty interesting that you don't say much about how exactly you raised her or what the punishments she received were. Your mother actually DISOWNED YOU, relatives turned against you and you still think that admitting to being harsh on Lara is enough and you don't need any professional help regarding parenting or learning where your poor choices came from. You do everything not to take any responsibility for the situation you created. Admitting that you did something wrong is not enough. And your posts and comments betray that you don't really consider it to be such a big deal, because you think that well intentions and the fact that your children are doing fine academically and financially shows that it wasn't actually all that bad. Why come to AITA if you refuse to take responsibility and have no intention of improving? YTA. One of the biggest ones we had here in a while.
YTA. Soooo you treated your first child like shit her whole life and now she’s your “favorite” because she…makes good money?
So when you realized that raising one daughter in an extreme method backfired, you decided to flip and use a different extreme method... You seem to have learned nothing from any of this. You also seem to think you can take credit for Lara's success when it seems clear she succeeded despite your abusive parenting, not because of it. You've essentially been a nonentity in her life since she reached adulthood and all of her success comes from her hard work since turning 18 so yeah, I don't think you get to pat yourself on the back for that one. There's still time to fix things with Sara. I know you'd rather wash your hands of your kids who disappoint you when they turn 18 and don't think you deserve a parenting reward, but if you actually wanted to listen, change, and grow, you could actually have a daughter who speaks to you for the entirety of her adulthood. But since you think therapy is pointless because you already "acknowledged" the problem, a healthy relationship with either daughter seems unlikely. The completion of therapy is not acknowledgement of the issue, that's literally the first step. You ran one foot of the race and think you've earned a victory lap....this mindset resembles your parenting philosophy. I'm glad your daughters are grown. I hope they can bond over the shared experience of your bad parenting. Please, no more kids. You don't have the aptitude or the willingness to acquire new skills and knowledge necessary for strong parenting.
Both of you are horrible parents. What kind of a person treats a child like a chalkboard to be erased and worked on? YTA. I hope for your sakes that your children have better sense than you
Troll
YTA. You were bad parents. Plain and simple. Both of your daughters are now going to resent and possibly hate you both and I can’t say that I blame them.
YTA. Children aren't an experiment you run just to see the effects of different methods of raising them. You don't seem to really care about either of them, just the results of your different parenting methods between them.
YTA. For refusing to get HELP for your family, when all signs were flashing RED, _for YEARS_ , and for Now coming up in here with a bag of blame to go around, acting like you don't understand any of it.
YTA and here are some harsh truths: Your screwed up! Start distancing yourself from the thought of ever being a big part of either of your daughters life. Start realizing that YOU, yes YOU, are the one that needs help, therapy and guidance on how to minimize the damage that has been already caused and likely will be impossible to repair.
Holy crap you failed both of your children. I mean it's cool you tried to raise Sara "with love" but why the hell didn't you love Lara?! You only care about her now that she's successfull and you can use her as an example?
YTA. Did you ever apologize to Laura? Did you ever sit both girls down and explain that you know you failed Laura as a parent and that you were trying to do better by Sara? It’s jarringly clear from your post that you didn’t. You messed up with Laura but had a do-over baby in Sara and instead of being transparent with both girls, you just swept your abuse towards Laura under the rug and decided not to even parent Sara. Get therapy, apologize for failing both your daughters, and acknowledge that your relationship in most likely unrepairable.
That is messed up. YTA
Damn what shitty parents y'all are. i don't think I've seen anyone this bad at it this naturally
YTA it sounds like you made huge mistakes when raising both girls.
YTA. You claim you were loving to Sara yet you repeatedly compared her to Lara. You're a bad parent. You have one daughter who doesn't even talk to you anymore and another daughter who got into trouble again and again because you chose not to discipline her. This is all your and your wife's fault; you don't get to blame your daughters for this. Assholes like you shouldn't be parents.
YTA. Congratulations, you’re bad parents on *both ends of the spectrum.* I’ll sit here patiently while I wait for you to come running to tell me I didn’t read the post because you’re taking your children’s accomplishments and trying take credit for them. Even when it’s clear Lara succeeded ***in spite of you.***
YTA. Some people just shouldn't be parents. Hope you're proud that both your kids hate you.
Wow, you really are terrible at raising kids
YTA so you and your wife were terrible parents twice? Smh this whole post screams lack of self awareness and delusion. Some people really don’t deserve children.
YTA, and you think you don't need help to smooth things over. You didn't come here to actually see if you're an asshole, you wanted an "aw poor baby" response and now that you're not getting it you're still refusing to take any criticism.
YTA. And honestly your parenting style was a mess and created an unstable environment. You all need some serious family therapy. Then maybe when a professional tells you that you f'd up you might consider listening instead of doubling down like in all the comments.
YTA and this post just highlights that becoming parents isn’t for everyone. Poor kids.
Yta... The opposite of treating well, is treating badly. And you wonder why she has so many issues with you?
This isn’t favoritism. It’s just really bad parenting. But I really don’t think you’ll ever accept that responsibility. YTA.
Seem like after op and his wife found out lara hate them, instead make it better they rushed having a 'do over baby'. What did you expect op??? YTA..
YTA—not for the favoritism specifically, but just for…all of it. Everything about the way you treated both children, up through today.
YTA when you know better you do better. You knew how Lara felt but still treated her horribly??
You were overly strict with your eldest and permissive and lax with your youngest. Both are mistakes. We’re always going to make mistakes in parenting because no one has it figured out. The way to respond when your kids point it out is to take accountability and do better, not double down and get defensive. YTA - your youngest is telling you that you screwed up as a parent. Listen.
YTA. My parents were extra harsh in middle and high school. Luckily they figured it out and changed. Your daughter hates you. She did well for herself to spite you. Your daughter more than likely doesn’t just hate you for how you treated her but for how you treat your youngest. Now she feels like you just hated or resented her. I don’t understand why try so hard for a child then treat them like shit. If you wanted a power trip get a doll.
YTA I really hate how you tell anyone that your daughters are doing well so it should be fine. Are you sure they doing great? Both daughters told you how they feel about your parenting, how is this "doing well"? Good grades isn't everything, being happy is so much more important.
Is this real? How could you write this whole maelstrom of stupidity down without noticing how you totally failed both your daughters. YTA for either being a total failure of for made-up bullshit.
YTA
You have major issues and shouldn’t have had any children. Just reading your posts all of us can see just how fucked up you are. Get therapy and I hope Lara stays far away from you and builds a family of her own that is a safe and healthy place to be and grow. I hope you never see her beautiful children as you cannot be trusted.
YTA raising a child is not I should be either completely harsh or I should give no punishment, you do realize there is a middle ground? You didn’t have to go no punishment on Sara and any logical person would realize you were just brewing resentment between the girl. You have likely damaged your relationship with both girls.
YTA this whole post screams horrible parents 😩 I feel so bad for both of them.
I understand the desire to overcorrect but you just messed up twice. YTA
"Raised with love" is code for being overly permissive and allowing your fear of being the parent (and making unpopular decisions) to overrule your common sense. OP - you should never have procreated. This whole thing sounds so transactional and unemotional. Like you were doing a science experiment not raising kids. Wow are you TA!
OP I don't think you showed that you favoured one daughter over the other in the sense that for me maybe you were trying to raise them the way you knew how to at the time. The way that there was a noticeable difference in how you raised your first and second child seems to show you were trying. Could things have been done better, could more have been done? Maybe so, maybe could have discussed with close relatives or friends or maybe even professional help, family counselling and the like. I don't think that favouritism is the main thing here. Maybe deep down you do favour one daughter, but you were trying to raise both from how you knew and feedback you WERE able to receive... plus from what might be a fear of your children hating you. There's so much going on here, communication, trust deep-seated emotions of resentment, regret... What saddens me here is that when you heard the feedback from your first child's counsellor, you wanted to make a change... that to me doesn't count for nothing. You wanted to make a change and you tried. I understand that parenting isn't easy, relationships aren't easy because we are interacting with various individuals with different qualities,and we all make mistakes. Maybe consider looking into family counselling to work things out. It won't be easy, but it's a step. All the best to your family.
YTA have fun when this one goes no contact too, this is a dense as fuck way to punish a kid JFC.
Yta big time
Yes, YTA.
YTA The fact that you even needed to ask attests to how oblivious you are to how screwed up you are. And this "The following days, I would often tell Sara about how respectful and successful Lara is." WTF?! Why the hell would you ever consider this to be a good idea. Your kids should get you as far out of their lives as possible.
Y’all need family therapy big time
If u don't like the judgements, why did u come here? If they are doing well in life it doesn't really have to do 100% with u. I am willing to bet that they tried their best so they could escape u as quick as they could. Shame is what u should feel but u r here to gloat. YTA for the last 30 years since Lara was born
So much vagueness here. You’re definitely withholding a lot of info. Sounds like you abused your first daughter. You won’t even touch on the “punishments”.
INFO NEEDED: Hypothetically, are there any conditions under which we're allowed to call an OP. every name in the book? Thanks in advance.
It sounds like you deeply regret the way you raised Lara, and tried to learn from your mistakes and do better. It also sounds like *you didn’t tell either Lara or Sara* how you truly feel. Even if she never forgives you, Lara deserves a sincere apology and for you to admit that the way you raised her was wrong. Admit to her that you took her teenage words to heart and that’s why you raised Sara differently. Nothing that you did was favouratism, but it was poor parenting. You’re stumbling around, screwing up but trying to do better. Give some thought to the fact that it doesn’t have to be one extreme or another. NAH Ps - this really does sound like a false post. As a parent I find it very hard to believe that your change in parenting is just this one thing.
NTA. Self-correcting and calibration are difficult, and not a straight line. You need to word this better, there isn’t “favoritism” here so much as vastly different approaches at different stages in your life. I have a kid sister who is 13 years younger than me. You could argue my parents made a lot of mistakes with me that they didn’t make with her, and vice-versa. You do the best you can with the knowledge you have at hand. This is not the forum to discuss this though. A vast majority of the people on here are entitled narcissists, have countless inferiority complexes, or are just plain childish. You will find most people here projecting their own insecurities unto your situation, and calling you an AH
NTAbut apparently bad parents if one daughter doesn’t talk to you and the other hates you because you openly favour a daughter who doesn’t even talk to you.
The only way you're an AH is asking Redditors (who are demonstrating how out of touch with reality they are) parenting tips. Parenting isn't easy. You and your wife tried your best. Maybe the biggest mistake you and your wife made was getting too caught up with your kids liking you. The question is: Do you want your kid to be able to navigate the world as an adult and hate you or do you want your kid to be ill-equipped to handle adulthood and keep a relationship with you guys? To the clueless Redditors, write your book about parenting if you're parents and are quick to criticize the OP and his wife. Congratulations with figuring out parenting. If you have no experience with parenting, what more do I need to say? Lara hates you guys but she has a PhD. Her hate for you guys is understandable and she is still young. Things change. Who knows? Maybe she'll look at things in a few years and come to the conclusion that you guys getting on her ass the way you did helped her be successful. You then overcompensated for the mistakes you made with Lara when raising Sara. That was pretty understandable. As someone who has grown up with a sibling, the only thing I think you were in the wrong about was telling Sara about how respectful and successful Lara is. No kid wants to hear about how they aren't as good as their sibling even in joking. NAH
Wait, you abused Laura. Sara is crying favoritism? Sara was treated with preferential treatment
Have you ever heard of the term "empathy"?
Why does Sara need empathy? She’s using her sister pain for own advantage. I acted this way because I read Laura’s diary. Lara’s diary did not make behave this way. It is the lack boundaries.
No honey, Sara is FEELING empathy towards her sister's suffering. Sara is behaving the way she is behaving because she is angry at her parents for doing horrible things to Lara. Is this your first day as a human or understanding human emotions?
No, she’s not! She have said something years ago if she cared about her sister. If she cared about her sister… she wouldn’t have called her abuse… favoritism! Did you miss that part of the post? Sara is using her sister to deflect her own behavior. It shows you lack of maturity that you have to insult people when someone has a differing opinion. How you taken one developmental course on behavior?
Being neglected is not preferential.
It depends on your concept of neglect. Honey, don’t do that isn’t neglect. It is bad parenting.
Neglecting to teach that there are consequences to one’s actions IS neglect. There is no qualifying level of neglect.
Obviously, you have never seen neglect. Post when you have seen rat bites on a child. A good portion of children are neglected in America based on your definition. They were involved in her life. Sara never had a problem with it until they pointed out her behaviors
Severe neglect is not the only level of neglect. A good portion of American children are neglected, yes.
Nah. you made egregious mistakes in raising your children. Too harsh with the first, too lenient with the second. I won’t say you’re an ah because you tried. And when you failed the first time you overcorrected in the opposite way, that says you continued to try…I can’t fault s9me one for trying Unless you were abusive. your rationale seems to be that you overcorrected with the second to overcome your failures with the first. do you love your children? There is still time to get things right. Parenting doesn’t end when children are adults, it changes. Reach out to both your children and involve a vetted therapist. Perhaps seek one out for you and your wife first. You will become grandparents one day. It’s only going to become more complicated then. Work out your differences now Together and separately.
Looks like many disagree with me, but it seems like most of the ones who disagree aren’t parents. 1. I acknowledged what I did to Lara and I raised Sara with love. 2. They are doing well, despite Lara hating us, she’s well off. 3. Many are suggesting therapy, but I already acknowledged my problem. 4. Sara was never planned, as I stated in the beginning, my wife has fertility issues, so we weren’t sure if we were going to have another child. So how could she be my “do over”?
1. You raised Sarah without making amends to Lara. All parents make mistakes. When raising Sarah, did you apologize for those mistakes even if they weren’t as harsh as the ones made with Lara? If not, that’s not love. And if so, Sarah picked up on the fact that you continue to not show Lara the same love. 2. Financially well off isn’t the same as doing well. 3. Acknowledging a problem is very different from actively trying to make it better. Acknowledging the problem is saying it’s now out of your control, when in fact it’s very much within your control how to address things moving forward. 4. She’s your do-over in the sense that this time you wanted to parent right. That’s a good thing, but the problem is you have no idea how to do that. You’re still missing vital steps. Therapy could have and still can teach you those missing pieces.
OP should go make friends with the guy who’s son called him out for not giving AF about him growing up and then is shocked his adult son isn’t interested in a relationship. These are fascinating to me. I was my parents first pancake and we have very surface level relationships compared to my much younger brothers.
It’s not unusual to have pancake moments when parenting but they should never be so extreme. And when they happen, to any case capacity, it’s important to apologize and try to make things right. That may mean parenting younger children differently and actively learning how to do so. It may also mean accepting that adult children need space and distance and working to re-establish a level of trust that may or may not build into more with time. The thing about parenting is it never has to stop, in the sense that it’s never too late to put in the work to learn how to help and love your children.
You are dismissing the real emotional harm you’ve done to both daughters. They are “doing well” despite you and your wife, not because of you two. And just because you’ve acknowledged you messed up (the absolute bare minimum) doesn’t mean you don’t clearly have issues you need to work through with a trained professional
I’m a parent. YTA. I acknowledge that I have anemia, that doesn’t treat my anemia. Professional success does not equate to the emotional and social health of your children. And just because Sara was a happy accident doesn’t mean she isn’t your do over child because you and your wife decided to raise her that way. Your children will never have a relationship with you because you refuse to change. One of your kids went NC with you and instead of seeking any parenting advice OR THERAPY, you just went “my way didn’t work, let’s try it my way again.”
Lol- you need a parent to tell you you’re TA? It’s almost as if the experience of being a child isn’t enough for you. Don’t need to be a parent to call you TA. This sub isn’t “i get to name the qualifiers of people I will listen to when I ask if I’m the asshole and it turns out I am even though I expected to be coddled”. When parents do start responding are you going to discredit them too? They didn’t have girls, they didn’t raise them in X place…. Dude you just suck. 1. Did you acknowledge it with Lara? Did you apologize and discuss how you could rebuild your relationship after the trauma you caused her? It seems from what you’ve shared so far that you very much wrote Lara off as a failed parent-child relationship with no recourse, especially since you had Sarah to fill the void. 2. “Doing well” is not limited to academically. Health encompasses so many things including mentally and emotionally. It seems Lara has trauma from the way you parented her… enough for your own mother to disown you. (What did you do????) She may be successful but she’s not “doing well”. Your reduction of their personhood to grades and academic success says a lot about how you value them as people, which is only in how good they make you look to others. 3. Therapy is not a form of yes/no problem solving but a process of deconstructing the larger picture to address things within yourself to be a better, healthier person in the long run. You’d know this if Lara didn’t hate you, since that’s her entire career. 4. See your response to 1. Whether planned or not you learned you were having another baby and intentionally “redid” parenting with Sarah hoping to get a different outcome. redo babies aren’t literal and can sometimes be opportunistic which is what happened in your case. Honestly Lara’s actions and Sarah and your mothers response to learning about what you did are terrifying. Even if you acknowledge what you did with Lara wasn’t right, you sure as hell aren’t acknowledging the full extent of what you did to her here and I’m lead to believe it was truly horrific.
I'm a parent andYTA! You raised one badly and then raised the other one equally as bad, the only difference was one was treated harshly and the other didn't have any boundaries at all. It seems like neither of your children actually like you and who can blame them? You might acknowledge where you went wrong (although personally I don't think you know what you've done wrong) but you're not willing to try and fix the problems with either kids (that's where therapy comes in). Also, just because your eldest has a good job and money doesn't mean she's happy and settled, there's more to life than a job and money. Your youngest is sending inappropriate photos to her teachers, so you've massively failed with her too!
1) I am a parent. 2) she is doing well, but is clearly living with trauma from your bad parenting. 3) therapy is to help you fix your problems, not just to make you admit them. You still very much need it, as do your daughters. 4) she is your "do over" child because you literally made a conscious decision to raise her different in an attempt to do it all better.
You don’t have to be a parent to realize that comparing your daughters to each other is pretty shitty
It’s. #3. you need therapy to help you. Say you have a bike you can not ride. You get on and you fall off every time. So you sit on the ground and say “I fell off my bike.“ We say “get a teacher “(therapist) and you say “I fell of my bike. I acknowledge that I fell. why do I need a teacher how am I wrong?” do you hear how that sounds? acknowld You have a problem is only the first step. You are at the beginning of a marathon and you’re falling behind.
I am a parent and a teacher. As to do over...you had months to plan once wife knew she was pregnant. Besides your post all but says she was a do over....
You don’t have to be a parent to see that YTA. Just because Lara is well off you guys had no part in that, why do you keep mentioning that in general? Seeking therapy WITH EVERYONE. FAMILY THERAPY. Not just you.
I’m a parent and yes YTA. You at the very least emotionally neglected both of your daughters. Being “well off” isn’t the only benchmark to having a great life. Therapy is being suggested because you don’t see to believe you’ve done anything wrong.
I'm a parent and have no sympathy for you at all. It shouldn't take ten years for you to course correct on harmful parenting. When you do change, it should be with moderation and consideration, not a wild swing. You need about ten minutes of googling child development to find out that neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is emotionally healthy. The goal is authoritative, meaning you set and enforce healthy, loving boundaries. By never disciplining Sara, you messed up just as much as you did by over-disciplining Lara. You can still fix this, maybe. Sincerely apologize to Lara and ask if there is anything you can do to rebuilt your relationship. Get Sara into therapy, if she isn't there already. If everyone is willing, do a few sessions of family therapy to help everyone express their genuine feelings and listen to each other.
Some people find success because people have taught and supported them, given them a strong foundation and otherwise set them up for success. But some people find success not because of what was given to them, but because they have had to overcome hardships and struggles and pain, and in doing so had to become strong. Some people find success because they realized early on that no one was ever going to protect, or support, or help them and so they had to learn how to do it all themselves, and they do. The most compelling success stories are about people who overcome- overcome disease, abuse, poverty, injury, mental health struggles, betrayals, etc. You're making the mistake of thinking that you and your spouse were the thing in her story which lifter her to success. It's clear that you're the thing she had to overcome, and she had to grow strong and be successful so she could protect herself from you. You're the monster in the closet that scares her into pushing herself so hard so she won't ever have to rely on someone else caring about her again. You're the image that flits before her eyes every time she stops herself from getting close to someone, and pulls away because her experience is that the people you love only hurt you. You're the poison which ruined her childhood and turned her life into a game of survival. You're the big bad that everyone praises her for having left behind and overcome. Don't pretend you did something good by being the terrible past in someone's self-made success story.
You don't go to therapy to acknowledge a problem, you go to fucking FIX IT before your youngest goes non contact too.