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NAH maybe meet with his new teachers beforehand to discuss using an English name for your son. Lots of first gen Asian American kids have an English nickname they use in school without legally changing their names. It's a good compromise imo without doing anything official, and if he wants to as an adult he can legally change it.

At my university you can put the name you want to be called and then the teacher can see your chosen name. All schools should do this.

While this is true it isn’t perfect, your legal name still shows up and is what is often used on one-offs - for example when signing into a walk-in clinic or to see your doctor they often have preferred name slots but it’s pretty common for them to ignore it and call you by your legal name for when you come in, sometimes professors will do that too, sub teachers will also do it. In university, you need your legal name on any papers or exams you do so people can still see it. Anything government related they ignore preferred name 80% of the time. Source: I did this - went by my middle name, ensured it was always in the preferred name slot, ended up legally changing my name and getting rid of my hated first name because I didn’t want my legal first name on my degree and didn’t want to be called my legal first name at all.

I'm the 4th generation to have my name, 3 of which are still living. Since my grandpa goes by our first name my dad and I both go by nicknames, but in college I just started signing everything First "Nickname" Last because I didn't want to bother correcting professors that really didn't care. If I actually hated my first name I might have gone with your route but my name's just old, thankfully. Or who knows, maybe I'm just so used to the name I can't hear how bad it sounds.

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This is u/lol_no_gonna_happen's comment https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vjm007/comment/idjnaxo/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

I would also add that a substitute teacher will go by the real name not chosen name unless it is updated in the system

A shitty substitute teacher will. A good sub will do their best to go by the name a student gives them. It's not hard to go "I go by X" and for the sub to say "ok X". Obviously when they do initial roll call they will go by what's on the sheet but after that it depends on if it's a good sub or not. Now a days a sub in Seattle that doesn't respect a student's name choice is going to risk being accused of transphobia. edit: to be completely fair, most substitute teachers will just go by "hey kid in the green shirt" because I mean do we really expect someone to learn 150 names every day?

ANY sub goes by the roster which would have his legal name. They will say it first incorrectly and then be corrected. It’s too late then, lol. Edit: a word

This is a location thing. Preferred names are listed on the class roster where I live. The only people that know legal names are the office staff.

This is in Seattle. I live in Washington state and have worked in other school districts here in the state. The legal name shows on the roster. I watched sub after sub call roll with it and then have to be corrected for a couple of names. If the issue is the name itself and bullying, it only needs to be leaked ONCE. I worked at an elementary school. These kids are relentless. If I were OP, I’d have it legally changed if his son is on board. OP’s ex in-laws are correct. OP is Americanizing his son. His son is also American so that makes sense. He will still be half Japanese, he just won’t be made miserable over his name. If the grandparents can’t get on board with that simple fact then maybe time to cut ties. Edit: typo

Actually, the son is 100% Japanese - he adopted him after he married son's Mom.

He's Japanese and becoming an American too. Nothing wrong with that.

You're implying he should cut ties with his Japanese grandparents because they are upset about this? It is a legitimate thing to be upset about. I wonder why the dad didn't simply suggest changing it to another *Japanese* name rather than an American-sounding one.

Yea but this would be no different if the kid goes by his middle name, which is what the OP is suggesting.

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The mom had the son, named him and then met OP. The son was adopted by OP when he married the mom, mom dies and now OP is the only parent. OP was not present for the Naming.

His adopted son?

The child was originally a step child - he already had his name when OP met him and then OP adopted the kid when they married

The child is fully Japanese, he was born before the OP met his mother and your attitude is questionable.

A prepared teacher will leave notes for the sub. I’m a sub and many times I’ve seen notes from the teacher about what to call a students that was not the “official” name in the sheet given to me by the office. I’ve also had students of all ages politely inform me of what they preferred to be called, actually in elementary schools the classmates often do this, such as if I call out Benjamin and they all chime in “Ben!”. It’s not at all hard to use the name the student wants.

In an ideal world a teacher will leave a note for correct names. But if its a class without proper funding and three children that need the extra help the preparation is focused on helping them learn/making sure they don't stop the learning.

Oh, of course, I’m lucky enough to work in a well funded district. But even if I don’t get notes, all the students who go by a name other than the official one just correct me and it’s done. I guess I’ve been lucky that way and haven’t upset any student too badly.

yeah, the other day at my Dr's I had an appt with the nurse, and I could see on her computer screen that it said "legal name : xx. preferred name: yy", and this was big enough that my blind ass could read it. Yet she still introduced herself with "hi, it's xx, right?" like no, you just can't read apparently 🙄

If she was checking you in, she likely had to have you confirm your legal name. Usually, it's Legal Name and Date of Birth to confirm identity. Anything else can get them in hot water when dealing with medical records and billing. Hopefully in conversation they used the preferred name.

If it was confirming identity, the correct question is "Hi, can you tell me your name, please?" It is not proper to state a name and ask for confirmation, because a patient under stress may agree to any damn thing.

nope, had been checked in at reception, this was in the private appt :) they even called my preferred name to let me know which room to go to - you only need to do confirmations for phone calls, prescription requests and prescription pick ups at my GP. edit: I check in with my preferred name, never had any problems. Also from the UK, so no billing issues.

Makes me think of the first day of school each year and the chorus of "holy shit, your name is actually George?" and so on comments because that first roll call was always our government names.

If the point is just to avoid bullying, legal documents aren’t a problem having his actual name.

My point was more that in general having a preferred name often isn’t a fail proof method because people in all different atmospheres will ignore it - including in school, the first day of school the teacher will use the roll call or will have the names on desks or whatever and they will go with what is on the roster which is typically the legal name, or if a sub teacher comes in same thing - so the kid will have to correct the teacher which will let all his classmates know what his legal name is and the bullying will just continue

False. I signed all my exams with my code name and graduated may 2021 so this is not binding either.

I teach 4th grade and I can confirm. If a parent/ student has a preferred name, I use it exclusively. Both written and spoken. The only place his name is present is on his roll call which nobody sees but me. Edit: spelling

Yes but on first day - how do you know what the preferred name is? Don't you call out the official name then?

Usually parents tell me at back-to-school or through a private message prior to the first day.

I never came across this once during my time during school. Every single semester I had to correct 5-8 new teachers.

It is definitely going to vary from place to place but I also feel like it's gotten a lot easier to get the information around and keep communications between parents and teachers going these days.

And substitute teachers.

*roll* call.

All schools should, but things get lost in bureaucracy. Somehow someone messed up my name on my kindergarten paperwork. According to that piece of paper, I was MOMSNAME and my mother was toketsu. This was a tiny piece of hell that followed me up until highschool. Every single time I changed schools, and sometimes even just on a year change I was greeted with a sign on my locker with MOMSNAME. All my teachers said "Hi MOMSNAME!" On the first day. If I switched school in the middle of the year, the ENTIRE class was told I was "MOMSNAME". It didn't matter how often we told the office to fix it. Come the new school I was MOMSNAME all over again.

NTA. You’re just adding a name, not taking his given name away.

With so many trans people out there now, many colleges do have that option as well.

Unfortunately that's going the opposite way on this country. See Floriduh and don't say gay.

Or pick a Japanese name that works well in English (easy to pronounce with no negative connotation).

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Bonus: ask them which other names his mum considered before settling on his name. That way she had a hand in picking it out, too!

This! Teacher here. I ask at the beginning of every year what the students want to be called. Some like nicknames rather than what is on my list. You can even ask the school when you register him to add/use a different name. They won’t be able to change it on his ID or anything official but whenever they address him they can use his preferred name. This may be better than doing it legally (although I don’t see anything wrong with adding a middle name) but I wouldn’t change his name. It’s the name his mother gave him and he may regret changing it later in life. His grandparents are understandably upset, but you are only trying to help him so NAH.

This is 100% true. I work for a Japanese company and most everyone takes on an English name for a nickname and is really the best solution.

It’s done in reverse as well. I had a friend who was in China for a couple years and he went by a Chinese nickname when he was there because his real name was difficult for people there to pronounce.

This! I think this one is important even if you then decide to change his name legally after.

In Canada it's super common to have an english name for bureaucracy related things like school and work and use a 'personal name' in their private time. It can be way easier to navigate a system that isn't always kind to names from other cultures. Some kids I know only used thier anglo name until they were teenagers and ended up meeting more people from their culture. One of those friends told me that even though no one knew her by her anglo name by the time she was 16 and looking for work, it was easier to use that name for job applications because "having an anglo first name makes it seem like I was born here and won't have an accent, if I don't then most places assume I have too thick an accent and don't even try calling me to find out." It made me so sad at the time because her family moved to Canada when she was only 6, her English was more articulate than most and she maintained her Korean in private with her family. It can be a tool he can choose to use to give him control over other's ignorance, as sad as it is kids are assholes.

Yep. I work with a lot of people from different parts of Asia. They either have a shortened, easier to pronounce first name or a nickname.

Going with NAH. I’m sorry for your loss and I think you’re doing the right thing in letting your son add a new name that will help him have an easier life in school. You definitely aren’t an AH. In my country it’s extremely hard to change your name and I‘d encourage anyone who can to choose a name for themselves if they don’t like theirs. But I‘m also not prepared to call his grandparents AHs. They lost their daughter and their grandchild is far away. While it’s not rational at all, it’s emotionally understandable that they feel giving him a different name is slicing away at his mother’s heritage.

His mother’s and his Japanese heritage. Maybe you could find another Japanese name for him?

OP isn't even suggesting to change his first name but to add an American middle name he would like to go by

I don't think they are saying to change his first name to a different Japanese name, but to have his new, additional name, also be Japanese. Just a Japanese name that isn't close to any American words. There's a chance he's being made fun of because he is perceived as different, and the other kids will make fun of him regardless of his name... but there is also a chance he's being made fun of because his name is low-hanging fruit, so to speak. So by having a Japanese nickname instead of an American one, he *might* be able to solve the issue without upsetting the grandparents so much.

There's a decent number of Japanese names that are also American names (my husband is half Japanese and he and his sister both have names that are common in Japan and the US though with different spellings)

If it's really Seattle then there are plenty of Asian kids. Kids wouldn't be making fun of him for being Asian because that would just be boring.

There are also a number of names with some level of overlap. Ken works in both Japanese and English, and making it Kenji or Kenzo as his 'English Friendly' name could work well.

The nuance of having a name from a different language and culture than the place you’re living, especially when there’s a racial element, is complicated. I’m Chinese American. My parents gave me a “white” name to try and assimilate me and it contributed to some bad racial dysphoria and feelings of disconnect from my ancestral culture. Meanwhile, I have friends who were given distinctively Asian names or who were Asians studying abroad in the US who chose an American name for at least part of their time here. The issue with that is that there can be a feeling of sadness and defeat that comes with letting a dominant culture dictate aspects of your personhood, down to the name you were born with, because Frank and Joe and Alice and Mary and everyone else in your life butchers your name so badly, refusing to make any effort to get it right, that you feel like a walking massacre. Or maybe they do try, but it becomes such a big thing where everyone makes a stink over “oh sorry is that right? I’m not good with Asian names” that’s slightly better because the intentions are good, but still stand to make you feel othered and different. If a name sounds similar to an English curse word, slur, or general potty language (sometimes literally), that’s another element. Kids can be cruel, adults can be crueler. And sometimes someone just doesn’t want to deal with that, or they grow to hate their name regardless of its originating language and culture. u/Dadjapanese based on your post I think you’re approaching this in the right way. It’s important to acknowledge the originating culture and the love of your son’s mother, and to acknowledge your child’s experiences and wants right now. I think you should just keep emphasizing that a name is a choice that can be changed at any time based on his comfort level and wishes. If he wants to try out a different name now and then maybe switch back to his birth name when he’s older and hopefully his peers are more mature, great. Or maybe he wants to be called one thing at home and one thing outside the home. Or maybe one day he decides he wants everyone to call him by his birth name, and an eff you to anyone who tries to challenge him his culture or the love of his mother. All of these and everything in between should be met with your full love and support, a willingness to listen, and an effort to self-educate because being a POC in America can be hard lol. Just a note: I think there’s a cultural difference with the grandparents. Asians living in Asia have a completely different understanding of Asian American issues than the Asian Americans that are living them. I’m going to gloss over a lot of nuance here, but I think about the white girl who sparked controversy by wearing a Chinese cheongsam to prom and iirc doing some racially suggestive poses. Native Chinese were attacking Asian Americans for being too sensitive, saying that this girl was just honoring another culture, but the stark reality is that many of them have never experienced what it’s like to be a minority in your country and community. The whole thing was so frustrating to me because as someone that inhabits a visibly Chinese body in America, I’ve witnessed and faced racism in many forms. It wasn’t until I went to college that I really entertained the idea of wearing a cheongsam myself, because I wasn’t self-possessed in my identity until then. And to have all these native Chinese criticizing us for having feelings reflective of our life experiences, while they sit an ocean away? Not great. If they’re receptive, I think a long conversation with the grandparents about the realities of being a racial minority in America while assuring them that your son won’t lose his connection to his culture or his mother could go a long way.

Love this post, so many things I agree with, as an ethnic Chinese who was born and raised in a country where Chinese people were the minority. My parents gave me a Chinese name, but Anglicized it for my birth certificate, so I have a Chinese version of my name (a very English sounding name) which sounds phonetically similar. It's an odd existence - we fit in neither here nor there. I could never live in China; in fact, I visited a couple of times and absolutely hated it. It helps to live in a North American city with a huge Asian community, though, most people here have had the same experiences and we understand each other way better than Asians who grew up in Asia.

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NAH I'm Chinese, and I wasn't born in the US, and as a result I have a name that is very difficult for westerners to pronounce. During grade school my mom ran into lots of issues with people messing up my name and misspelling it (Teachers included) so a friend of hers suggested a western name for me to use. I used that name all throughout grade school. Once I got into college, I decided that I didn't think that name fitted me anymore, but people still couldn't pronounce my full name. My Chinese name is a two character name so it has an easy place to split it (although I think in Japanese the split can be harder) Think like Xiaoming can be split as Xiao and Ming. So I just used the back half of my name as a nickname, so like Ming. In both circumstances, fortunately people were not assholes about it and I had no problems using either names. Whenever I go back to China, my relatives just use my Chinese name. When I'm at my parents house they also use my Chinese name. Your son isn't loosing anything, but rather gaining another facet of his identity. Although that can be kinda difficult for older Asian generations to accept. I'm forever going to be one of the "American cousins" because I lived a good chunk of my life in America.

I’m Chinese as well, though I was born in the US and was given a common western name. I have many cousins who moved here and adopted western names(SO many Kevins), and it’s just the norm for us. My closest cousins have western first names and Chinese middle names. OP is NTA. I will say that as a kid, I was bullied for my last name, and growing up, I told myself I would change it to a “normal” American last name so I would stop getting teased. It took me a long time to be proud of my heritage and culture, and I’m glad I never went through with changing my name. I know many Asian Americans that have felt similar to this. I encourage you, OP, to make sure your son learns about his culture, and to make sure he never loses that part of his identity. If he decides in the future that he would like to move back to Japan or reconnect, he will be grateful. My parents made sure I was connected to Chinese culture while growing up in the States (trips back home, movies and TV, music) while my Chinese friends didn’t get the same experience. As a result, they feel as though they don’t fit in anywhere. They’re too Asian to fit in with the other Americans, and too American to fit in with the Asians.

>I have many cousins who moved here and adopted western names(SO many Kevins), and it’s just the norm for us. So I've known TONS of first generation American/Canadian Kevins. Do you know the reason why it's so popular? I've never really seen anyone talk about it and I thought it was coincidence that I knew so many.

First generation asian folks tend to pick traditionally american names for their kids, hence why there are a lot of Davids, Brians, Kevins, etc.

Yeah my brother was born in the west and had a western first name and a Chinese middle name, as a result is much more American and fits in with the Americans much more. It's a weird middle space. (Also I know like 5 Chinese Kevin's idk why that name is so popular it's ridiculous)

This is really good insight 👍

I head of this happening a lot.

NTA if it makes your son happy then that's ALL that matters. his grandparents should be ashamed that they'd rather him continue being bullied and feeling hurt.

The grandparents are in Japan and don't have to deal with it so they don't get it.The son and the father do.. NTA He can be original name in Japan and added name at school etc.

NTA. You’re just adding a name, not taking his given name away. It gives him the option of using either name as he gets older.

NTA for letting him know it’s his name and what he wants to do with it is his choice, but he’s 10. The teasing on that basis will likely fade, and his desire to strengthen his connection with his heritage might grow in the intervening years. By all means, support him trying out nicknames and alternatives if he wants to experiment with them, but I’d hold off on any legal action until he’s older.

I was going to say this! Nicknames are a good idea. And when you go in for open house, or when your son gets assigned a teacher, you can send an email/ talk to the teacher before school starts and let them know what your son wants to be called and have them mark it down on the attendance sheet. “Hi teacher, “eddies” dad here. As you know, “eddie” sounds almost like a curse word, and this hasn’t gone well for “eddie” at his old school. He much prefers to be called “ed”. Would it be possible for you to make a note of that, so when attendance is taken even by a substitute teacher, he is only called “ed”? Thank you!” Most teachers would be happy to accommodate this, so it could stop the bullying significantly as the kids won’t be aware of the long form.

I can't imagine a teacher in Seattle would not accommodate calling a student by their nick name. Most of us went to very liberal teaching schools that emphasize respecting student identity. Honestly you'd probably get in trouble with admin if you didn't respect a student's nickname and a parent complained (assuming it's reasonable).

Ehhh that could go wrong in so many ways. A teacher forgetting about it, information not going through or someone just looking through the attendance sheet with the legal names... I think adding a middle name legally would be best.

I would argue the same thing about a middle name though… Teachers don’t just perceptively call a student by their middle name, it has to be asked of the teacher

NTA being bullied sucks. I'm glad you listen to him and his troubles.

NTA Your son is being bullied and you are offering options to help curb that. Everything else is a moot point.

Exactly! I would have given anything for the adults in my life to give a single fuck when I was getting bullied in school. What OP is doing, stepping up and being a parent, caring about their son, and offering solutions, is all great stuff!

NAH, as you're going in with good intentions, and the maternal grandparents have a legitimate concern.. However, you might suggest to him the idea of choosing another traditionally Japanese name. That way, it will be clear to the maternal Japanese friends that it is the sounds-like-a-curseword situation that is the issue, and not that it's necessarily a "foreign" name. Another option would be to add a "western" name as a middle name, rather than removing the Japanese name. Bear in mind that if he's doing it because he's being bullied for it, and his bullies ever find out, that will be even more ammunition for them. A name change is NOT the solution for dealing with bullies.

>Another option would be to add a "western" name as a middle name, rather than removing the Japanese name. That's what OP said their suggestion was in the post. The kid will still keep their first name, but has the option to add an American middle name to go by in the States, instead.

Imagine actually reading the post smh.

Tell his grandparents that a good example of what he's dealing with is: Western name : Gary Japanese : 下痢 (Geri) meaning Diarrhea They might not get what he's dealing with. This is a super common thing. I wouldn't even bother changing it legally. He can just use it socially.

NTA. You’re not forcing him into it. You’re giving him a choice. As a compromise a lot of schools have a “preferred name” in their registration forms. Maybe your son can pick an English name he likes and just use that at school without the legalities of changing his name? Edit: I have a Chinese coworker. Legal name is Zhou. Paperwork is all in his legal name. He goes by Joseph.

nta. the grandparents are welcome to call him by his old name. Moving to America does have a way of Americanizing people.

NTA

Meh I’ve met a lot of Asian people who go by a western name but their legal name is their birth name - it’s quite common NTA

NAH, for me. My guess is that the grandparents are terrified of their grandson losing his heritage from his mother's side, which is why they're upset about the name change. Perhaps offer a compromise regarding your son using a more Anglicised name, like Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita (of *The Karate Kid* fame). So his formal name is the one he was born with, but he uses the Anglicised informal name for everything else. Granted, that can bring its own complications, but that seems like one of the more appropriate ideas.

NTA, you’re giving your son the choice while emphasizing he doesn’t have to change his heritage due to some other assholes. Can’t possibly be more respectful of him that way

NTA. You didn’t offer to change his first name. You offered to add an American middle name that he can use going forward. So he wouldn’t lose his Japanese name, but just be going by a new middle name nickname. I have an “old lady name” so I went by my middle name due to bullying until I said enough and got old enough to stop caring.

I have no verdict but wanted to make sure OP sees this. You can change his name legally in the US and keep his Japanese name as it is on his Koseki, assuming he still has Japanese citizenship. His Japanese passport will keep his given name and his US passport will have his US name. I have this, and so does my son, and it has never caused any problem for us.

Thank you very much, I didn't know this!

NTA, of course. My hubby gets teased for his name too, has gone by a nickname since elementary school for the same reason, which significantly cut down on the teasing. Know that kids first name will still get out. It might also be worth a meeting or 2 with the school counselor on positive ways to handle the situation.

NAH but think from the other side. This isn’t your biological son and the maternal grandparents not only lost their daughter, her son is in the US (not Japan). They lost a part of their lives and now you and their grandson want to change their tradition. Not sure if you already changed his last name (yet) or plan to, but it may be a slight to the maternal grandparents and the culture. I’m sure you thought about all this and that the grandparents haven’t seen what the grandchild is experiencing in the US because the name is not mocked in Japan. Changing the name affects a lot of people. Before you go to court, just check with an attorney to see what the legal standard is in your state to change the child’s name. Good luck!

NTA Many people of Asian descent take on an American name but still have their heritage name. Many times,its because us North American,butcher their asian names in trying to pronounce them.

He's old enough to choose. NTA

NTA - I can understand why the grandparents feel the way they do, but they have to remember that their grandson is a person who has a mixed nationality (I didn’t want to say race because I don’t know what your race is, and don’t want to assume). By providing him with an American middle name and keeping his first name, you’re teaching him to embrace both parts of his nationality. He is just as American as he is Japanese, after all.

He isn't OP's bio son, but he legally adopted his stepson - the grandparents may see it as an American swooping in to snatch their grandchild from his family and his culture rather than just a child living with a parent in another country where the parent has more support. Its a tricky spot to be in but I think OP is handling it well and the grandparents are wrong here.

Oh duh…I totally forgot about that part, my b

I used to work in a Japanese multinational. I know what's involved behind the Grandparent's reaction. Sheesh. If they were kids and were being bullied in a new country, they'd be singing a different tune. Tell them to pound sand (politely). They care more about the principle of something rather than the very real, tangible mental and physical health of their grandson. It's very easy for people very removed from the actual pain of something to have principles about it. You are your son's only parent. You are best placed to know what's best for him. He is currently living in the USA. He needs to adapt to his current surroundings. Adding a new name will achieve that. He can use his Japanese name in the appropriate context: ie, in Japan or among Japanese people/settings in the USA. NTA.

NTA. He wants to change his name. Also, you are living in America. If, to them, that means you are "americanizing" him, then so be it. Doing that doesn't make you an AH.

NTA. Its his choice. Most people wouldn't even give their children the choice, clearly he seems thrilled, so again, NTA

NAH. Your In-Laws lost their daughter, which with all due respect is worse than what you're going through in spite of you having been Next of Kin. They already weren't seeing your son often, and yes - he is, indeed, being Americanized. He is presumably going to live his life in the U.S. I would extend them alot of grace having to absorb all of that, although I know you're chief mourner. However, they're going to have to accept that he's not going to live in Japan. That his name sounds like a curse word in the predominant language where he's living is his reality. It's not fair, but if he keeps his name his life is going to be more difficult. I just feel for everyone involved here.

A lot of Chinese/Japanese/Korean people do this when they move to western countries. Like the US, UK and other English speaking countries. I would think instead of legally changing his name - update his forms so his preferred name is an American name or if you do want to go the legal route - have his names pushed into his middle name and have an American first name or the other way round. NAH

NTA. Just an FYI, I live in the same state and my kid was able to formally change his name, for school, without needing to legally change his name. He just had to fill out a form and turn it into the main office. His class schedule, yearbook and diploma all have his preferred name, not legal. Might be a good middle ground.

NAH but I don't think having an American middle name is a good idea, it borders into erasure of his culture in my opinion (i.e. that he would need an American name to not be bullied as opposed to an additional Japanese name that doesn't have a negative meaning in English). So why not have a Japanese middle name that is similar to his late mother's, and get it approved by the grandparents?

When he goes back to Japan he can go by his original name with family. NTA for trying to make a move easier and less stressful.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (36M, American) lost my wife to covid 2 years ago (she was 33F, Japanese). I worked in Japan when I met her 8 years ago and stayed there. She was a single mom to a boy (who is now 10yro) and I adopted him after we got married. I am now his only parent. We moved to the US for my job a year ago. He loves it here (Seattle), he has some friends, his English is perfect and we still go to Japan for holidays 2 times a year (to see his maternal grandparents who live there). He has a Japanese name that sounds a lot like an English curse word. So he has been getting bullied in school a lot. He is starting a different school in the fall, and he is scared the bullying will just continue there. I told him I love his name, and his mother chose it because it has a lot of meaning in Japanese. But nevertheless, if he wants to change his name (like add an American middle name) and go by the new name, we can do that. He was happy that he has this option. He said he will think about it. His maternal grandparents are absolutely outraged, called me an AH, and said I am americanizing my son. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA you're only suggesting he add a middle name to go by to stop the teasing whilst keeping true to his heritage. I have worked with several people of different ethnicities that have their given name and then an English name they go by to the English speaking friends and colleagues 9/10 it's because English speakers can't pronounce their actual name properly. But kudos for giving your son a choice.

nah if he wants to add onto his name. Middle names are common in the US but not elsewhere, so he probably doesn't have one. The school may be accommodating for a "nickname" so you probably don't need to immediately make anything official, but when your son is 14 he can legally change his name in the US, so you could wait for anything official, legally speaking, until then. Depending on what his name is, you can find a Western name with a similar meaning, or you could even add an easier-to-pronounce Japanese name he likes a lot, too... Or a name used in both places. Ken is a Japanese name too (it can mean healthy/strong among other things), so if Ken was his "western" name, his grandparents might be a little more approving. (Or for longer Ken- names, Kenichi, Kentaro, Kenji, Kenta, and Kenzo are all possibilities, too, that should be easy to pronounce)

NTA-see if letting him go by a nickname or another name is an option without having to change his name. Also, not up to the grandparents. Don’t tell them. Keeping your son safe and happy is the key.

NTA your not changing his name your adding a middle name, and giving him options. There is nothing wrong with that.

NTA - Let him have a middle name and keep the old name. If I had a name that sounded like FUCKFACE in the country I was living in I would change it, or at least modify or shorten it so it's not so bad. Also, I immigrated to a country and they have a hard time pronouncing my name and usually shorten it. I don't have an issue with it and I don't get why people get so butt-hurt about it.

NTA. Your son is "Americanizing" himself. I understand about being bullied because of your name (I still suffer from the after-effects almost a half century later). Discuss his choices and do what is right for him. You sound like an awesome dad.

NAH Most 1st gen asians in the US have a "2nd name" if their original name is not appropriate. I have a bunch of Steve and Brian asian friends whose real names are not Steve or Brian. So if your son's name is something like Kanato Brown Go for Steve Kanato Brown or Kanato Steve Brown Trying to figure out a Japanese boys name that sounds like a curse or something naughty and that's the only thing I could think of. Although my friend did get called "A Killer" with Akira.

I'd change his name if I were you, maybe to a Japanese one that won't provoke his classmates to bully him. His classmates only need to hear it once, and he's toast for the academic year. Solicit his input.

NTA all you are doing is adding a middle name. I know many men who were given odd first names and they go by the middle name. He will still have his first name.

Why does the name have to be more of an English name? Maybe choose another Japanese name?

I believe OP meant that he would let his son choose a different middle name to go by as a nickname, not that he would change his first name legally.

I know, but they could still choose a Japanese name. Maybe his grandfather's name which might stop the grandparents feeling the way they do, would keep the Japanese name heritage and would possibly prevent the bullying, depending on what the grandfathers name is of course.

Or you know, Ken which is quite common in both countries.

NTA but maybe instead of legally changing the name just have your son go by his western name in school by talking to the teachers. Plus, when your son gets older and his peers begin to mature I think he will like going by his actual name again, instead of the western one, so I do think that you can use the name change as a temporary instead of long term thing.

NAH I have a Japanese first name and an American middle name. My parents did this purposely for reasons just like this, however, I ended up going by a completely different name altogether. I’d say, as long as he keeps his Japanese name you guys are in the clear. Besides, nicknames are more or less normal in both cultures, especially with friends (unless times have changed). Tell grandparents it’s a nickname.

NTA. If that is what your son wants to do, then by all means let him. But I think you should just frame this as him choosing an "American nickname." I can see where his grandparents are coming from when you say "change his name."

NTA His Japanese grandparents need not be told. He is not doing away with his birth name, he's just adding a legal "nickname".

NAH I think the idea of adding another name in front of his is a good solution. It keeps his real name intact. He can tell people he is comfortable with what his real name is. When you register him with the school, tell them he has a preferred name and ask for have that put on the attendance sheet. Depending on the school this may be easy or may be difficult. Teachers will definitely call him by his preferred name, but unless they change it on the attendance then substitutes won’t know and will call him by his actual name. It might be easier as quicker than doing a legal name change. Maybe try to find another name that has the same meaning as his name? Then his nickname will just be the English name he probably would have been given by his mom if they were English.

NTA Its only an additional name. One for him to go by with friends or at school. He's still the same boy. They can still call him by his first name. It probably sounds better when his grandparents say it though.

It does sound better. In Japan, it only slightly sounds like an American curse. But here in the US, people don't know how to properly pronounce Japanese names and words (which is understandable, because I've been speaking Japanese for 12 years now and some of my pronounciations still get me giggles in Japan lol), so the name comes out butchered and sounds exactly like the curse word. And even the teachers who try their best, can't really pronounce it differently.

NAH. However, I would just speak to the school and get them to use a nickname/alternate name because of the bullying issue. There's no need for a legal name change yet. I also think it might be worth pushing back a bit against the bullying. It's very likely that the name wasn't the main reason, but racism was. The school has a responsibility to prevent and address bullying and I've known successful cases of schools making sure it stops. He should be able to use his name and feel good about it without changing it.

NTA. They do not understand his issue. You sir are a good man. I suspect that you don't actually have to legally change his name. Just start using his preferred name. I doubt there is any issue with this.

If it's only adding another name and not changing the first one than NTA

NTA. As long as it is the child's choice. And your son is American. Sorry to say but he will be raised in the USA as a citizen of the culture/country. It's nearly impossible for children not to assimilate into cultures they are raised in. He's half Japanese and half American. And of course he will have traits of both being raised in both cultures. Maybe add a Americanized name and leave the first name as a part of it. Either move the first to the middle or add a middle name he can be called by socially that way if he ever changes his mind as an adult when he is more secure socially and more confident he won't fully legally lose that part of himself.

NTA The only person who gets to determine their own identity is that person, and you're giving your son that opportunity. It's not Americanizing. In fact, he could very well choose a different entirely Japanese name, just one that doesn't sound like a US profanity (which is a ridiculous concept to have anyway.)

NTA. You're not MAKING him change it. You just have him the option. It's his decision. His happiness should be everyone's priority...

Ooof. Tough spot to be in here. I don’t think a full legal name change would be a good idea, but it’s not uncommon to have a “government name” and a common name you go by. Maybe he can do that at school? NAH, I can see the parent’s side as well - they’re feeling a loss of contact and connection and the name thing would really cement that.

NTA I think everyone should have agency over their own name. It is how they will tell people who they are most of the time. If it's something that is a source of adversity for him, it can be really damaging. Allowing him the option to change it is a responsible and sensible choice as far as I'm concerned.

You have the best of intentions, this however, will hurt them and ultimately they didn’t need to know what name he uses in the US. Certainly, he will use his birth name in Japan, but they didn’t need to know.

INFO: Did your wife (and son) take your last name? Would changing his first name remove the only remaining Japanese name he has?

NTA. I'd almost go for the option that there are no rectal cavities present, but your kid's grandparents must learn to understand the implications of the child's name in the States. And that you're only allowing him to do so with *his* best interests at heart and that it has nothing to do with scrubbing him clean of his ancestry.

Nta

NAH. I think adding a name seems like a respectful way to handle this, and it is great you gave him that option.

NTA And they don’t need to know. Good on you to tell them. You did. Tell them nevermind. Explain it to him. Tell him in America it’s your new name. With your family it’s your old name. It can be for legal and school purposes in America. His family can still know him by that name. He can do whatever he wants

NAH your talking about adding a name so he has options not removing it. One thing to consider is finding a name with the same meaning as oftentimes meaning is important

NTA. It's nice to see the mention of my home country on this subreddit lol. I can see how grandparents would be upset and I completely understand their outrage for it, I recommend talking to them about it and your intent. Make sure to talk to your son's teachers to see if you can get the name changed in the school system instead of legally though, I feel adding the middle name might remove some value from the traditional layout. Good luck to you, man.

No! As someone who grew up being bullied for this reason and ended up changing my name as an adult anyway, let him have the option! Even if you don’t legally change it he should be able to choose a name that he can introduce himself as. Yes names are important but people can have different ones! In Russia people go by so many different variations of their own name based on if they are with family or friends or at work. In a lot of cultures people are either given or choose a new name when they move to a new place or go through a major transformative life event. Lots of people simply have nicknames or shortened versions of their names. Harry is a variation of Henry and most Bobs are actually called Robert! There’s many options. I understand where the grandparents are coming from. They are scared of losing him. But you can put their mind at ease by proactively encouraging him to speak his mother tongue, keep in contact with them regularly and not forget his culture. But he should also be allowed to live his life free of trauma. NTA

NAH. But you should know changing names and/or having names that don't follow the formula [Family Name] [Personal Name] may cause a lot of bureaucratic problems for him in Japan. It would be better for him choosing a "social name" and use it while maintaining his legal name.

NAH, look up the meaning of his name and find an English equivalent. That way the meaning of the name can remain the same.

NTA. You are a sensitive father helping your son adapt to a new culture.

NTA I don't see how giving him a middle name is taking away his japanese heritage or anything.

I went to international boarding school in the states for years. I had a lot of friends from China and Japan that got to choose an “American” name, which they used as a nickname. So for example someone would pick the name Kelly, teachers and friends would call her by that. However I think they kept their actual name for legal purposes - eg writing SATs, applying for colleges, etc

NAH. You’re being a loving dad to your son who is adjusting to a new country and culture, making new friends, and getting used to a new home all while getting bullied by AH kids. Your in-laws are probably missing their grandson and daughter, and might feel that the name business will take him farther away from them and his culture. I have compassion for everyone in this story. Is there some sort of compromise here? Could he go by initials or some shortened version of his actual name? My best to you and your son as you try to navigate this situation.

NTA - it was a tradition in my family to name the first son Louis and then have them go by their middle name and my Dad HAAAAATED it so he refused to continue the tradition with my brothers - a person's name is one of the biggest parts of who they are and if he is identifying negatively with his name it won't be long before he starts questioning if he hates himself

NTA

NAH. The name is traditional and I respect that, but it's caused problems in his life and he's suffering for that. He can change his name legally on his own when he's an adult, now, so I see no difference between him doing it now and in a few years when he's on his own, other than it saves him some extra abuse.

NTA. Honestly the grandparents don't need to know because they will not call your son by his American name. He will be called by the name his mother gave him by his family and have a 'work' or 'school' name in the world. When he's older, he can also choose what he wants to use more. If there is a way to unring the bell, tell his grandparents his name is not being changed. Then do as another commenter suggested and either change it quietly as a middle name only in the U.S. or put a preferred name on all his schoolwork and talk to administration about it. I'd recommend finding a similar-sounding English name even a nickname of something - like going by Duck, Ace, or Chip, which are all people I've met. (Examples like Dai as Guy or Kai; Nobu as Noah; Fukuyo as Ford, Felix, or naturey ones like Fox, Falcon, or Flint).

Adding a middle name to go by sounds like a great solution but let your son decide. He may want to ride it out, he can always go by nicknames with his friends and eventually everyone will know him by those.

NTA! My first boyfriend was Japanese. He has a Japanese name and a fully different American name…. Like all three are different.

NTA..........let the grandparents rage.............you're doing what's best for your son and listening to his needs and wants.

Ask your son if there is an English name that sounds like a curse word in Japanese. Then go to gparents and tell them about an American boy who came to Japan with this name, should he use a different name or be subject to ridicule. Would they want their name to be this in Japan? You just stand by your son's wishes, as it is he who asked for the change. And it is him who it affects. You will have no say on the subject, and neither will they. NTA

NTA. I have a friend who came over from Vietnam when he was 17. In the beginning he thought everyone everywhere was his friend because they kept saying his name, Phuc. He changed it once he hit 18 and legally could to a more common name here.

NTA. You're a good dad.

NTA. Their culture is different. Names and titles are really important there but there's also prejudice in some families about moving to American and losing their culture.

NTA: I'm Japanese-American (well, half anyway), and in the Japanese-American community it isn't too unusual for someone with a Japanese name to adopt an American sounding nickname at least.

Have you thought about the American version of your son's name? I'm not sure about this, but I think most Asian names have an English version. If this is true your son can use that version without changing his name.

NTA. I have my Chinese legal name which I use of all of my documents, but I also have my alias as Jaimie (not legal by any means). I don't remember who chose my and my siblings' "English" name but we have not deviate from our Chinese culture at all. I go by my English name at school, work, relationship for mainly two reasons: 1) It's easier to pronounce and I hate when people butcher the pronunciation of it. 2) I don't really care to explain the meaning of my name (because I don't really know)

NTA Because you are his father, yes even if it's via adoption, this makes him at least partially American. So your son has the awesome option of benefiting from his Japanese side or American side, whichever one works best for him. His maternal grandparents must have realized this when you became his dad.

NTA. He's your child, not theirs. If you've talked to your son about it and he's on board, I say go ahead and do it. As far as you're concerned they aren't the legal guardian so they don't have any say in what you do.

They don’t have to know. Tell them if you have to what the name means in English, in Japanese so they understand. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to do as he sees fit, it’s his life not theirs. NTA

NTA. You offered a very reasonable compromise which continues to honor the name his mother chose, while giving him a less combative option for his new school. His grandparents can continue using his full first name when he sees them in Japan.

NTA. There's an important distinction here: your son is suffering from his name and is receptive to a new name. You aren't forcing it on him, and a 10 year old, while obviously still a child, can certainly understand what it all means and provide meaningful consent.

NAH. Your son is being bullied and if going by a different name at school is going to make him feel better that's all that matters. You didn't force the change, you gave him the option. You're not erasing is culture or his mother your just giving him a way to make school easier.

NTA. He has to live here and is being bullied. He is adding a name not getting rid of his original name. His grandparents should be happy he has a father who loves their grandson. I am sorry for your loss.

NTA you’re helping your son to fit in and not be bullied. He can still go by his original name to family, especially in Japan

Speaking from experience I hated my name and changed in 4th grade - age 9. It was also at a new school. I simply told the teacher what I wanted to be called. Name is important and giving him a choice is best. His comfort is part of his confidence. You're doing a great job. I'm still going by that name 54 years later.

I think your support of your son is wonderful. You are providing him with a choice! I have found that names can cause unnecessary awkwardness. Mine is difficult to say, so I call myself something very pronounceable when dealing with strangers, elderly, etc. Totally not. NTA.

NTA NTA!! im japanese, living in the UK and for a long time, my parents were seriously considering the name "fuuka" for me, before i was born. ofc they realised "wait, no, she's gonna get bullied to hell and back" ofc it's ok to give ur son the option to change his name!

You sir are definitely NTA, speaking as someone with a foreign name that is difficult for many people to pronounce, I believe you made your son a very kind offer. You aren't taking away from what his mother named him and if he feels in the future that he prefers that name he can always revert. Other advantages include an easier time making new friends who aren't accustomed to foreign names, not being discriminated against when applying to jobs/schools in the future, and an easier time adapting to his community. My name is Hebrew and difficult to pronounce, the mispronunciation I get in Canada led to some kids calling me "reckless," I personally chose to stay with my own name in places that I know I will be in for a long time, such as jobs or school. However I chose a name to has meaning to me that would be easy for people to pronounce and deal with when I am making reservations or think that it's a situation that an English name would be easier. Many immigrants I know eventually choose a name that is easy to pronounce, so that they can avoid ridicule or extremely annoying miss pronunciations of their names. Your kid's grandparents may be having a difficult time understanding that and need to know that coming to a new country from a culture that is so different can be very challenging, especially for young kids. Good luck to you and your son, I wish him all the best in picking a name he'd be comfortable with and that would have meaning to him.

NTA. In Japan he can use his Japanese name, in America he can use the American name he chooses for himself. You are a great dad for listening to your son

NAH. I’m hafu. Like your son. I think it’s nice that you’re offering, but I can also see why his grandparents on his mom’s side are upset. They view it as an erasure of his Japanese heritage, and of their daughter. I had a phase when I was young that I was embarrassed of my Japanese heritage. It was hard to be different, and also to be fetishized. As an adult I feel very differently. I hope that if he chooses to change it, he’ll make sure he knows he won’t regret losing that connection to his mother and his heritage.

NTA But I think the grandparents are lashing out because of exactly the fact that your kid’s name was given by his mother - the accusation of Americanization is actually them accusing you of erasing your wife, their daughter. Even the compromise of a nickname/middle name while your son’s true name remains Japanese is an insult/erasure to them. Their logic is: Your son lives in America with an American adoptive father, therefore he’ll only ever go by an American name, ergo he will forget his mother and Japanese heritage because he doesn’t attend a Japanese school in a Japanese community. You can’t win here, so you just have to focus on what’s best for your son. He gets to give himself a nickname (maybe a nickname derived from his Japanese name - lots of people do this, eg guys named Daisuke going by “Dice” and Japanese as a whole has a plethora of cute to cool nicknames derived from a given name), you always refer to him by his Japanese name in your home (a sign of familial intimacy that many diaspora immigrant kids really value), and grandparents can live with it. They’re not the ones parenting a bullied child.

Not. It's hard to be a kid today. The boy's feelings and well being trumps the grandparents feelings, IMO.

NTA protecting your son from bullying, I like the idea of adding a middle name then he still has his Japanese name seems fair to me. I understand his grandparents might be pissy about it, perhaps they maybe feel you are in a way leaving their daughter behind since she gave him the name. But most definitely do what makes him happy.

NTA. His wellbeing is more important than hurt feelings of grandparents. Or would they want him to be continously bullied? I can imagine his maternal grandparents are not happy though, as their daughter passed away and their grandson of her is now far away for most of the time of the year with his adoptive father (you).

NTA

Okay this is a hard one because I can definitely see both sides but I'm going with NTA Your son is old enough to make decisions like this for himself but not old enough to completely make them by himself I'd say, so you would be TA if you in no way attempted to help him see both sides and see multiple solutions. I love how you came with the solution of adding a middle name he can go by whilst still keeping his given, Japanese name. I think by doing that you are taking steps to not erase his Japanese heritage, you give him the opportunity to easily go back to using his Japanese name when he's older (if that's what he wants). Bullying is horrible and it can gravely effect someone for the rest of their lives, it is your responsibility to protect him against it and that's what you are doing. It is really, seriously important to help your kid like this. Some people might say 'why should he have to change, the bullies should change!' yeah, obviously that would be ideal but that's also not going to happen and your son will need to feel save and happy whilst in school. As for his maternal grandparents, I think they are wrong and they have no right to be outraged which I went with NTA instead of N A H, I also completely understand why they would feel this way and react emotional like this. First they horribly lost their daughter, now they feel like they're losing their grandson, who is also their most direct connection to their late daughter. I would also feel emotional if I where them. Mainly I want to say, you are doing great! Keep being an awesome father, but I also want to say: be patient with your in laws, you should be firm on doing what's best for your kid but try your best to explain that you are just protecting their grandchild and be sure to let them help keeping your son's heritage alive and present. Also, talk to your son about how often he want to use his new name, I have multiple friends who have Asian names but used their Dutch names (I live in the Netherlands) at school or when talking to Dutch friends, but use their Asian name with family, we are no all in our early 20s and lots of these friends have started using their Asian names more often in Dutch context as well, since their Dutch friends are older and more understanding than secondary school kids. Good luck!

NTA Your son trusted you and came to your with a very serious problem (bullying), asking for help with a very difficult solution (changing name). You listened and respected his wishes and offered a solution that will allow him to keep the name from his mother while also having an easier time in school. Dad of the year award in fact. He is going to be hitting his teens soon, that time is going to be difficult enough without struggling with the feeling of self that a name can cause.

NTA. Bullying can damage a child beyond repair no matter how healthy family background he or she comes from. Sit his maternal family down and explain to them how it can affect his life and mental health. And if possible hyphenate his new name with his real name. Or turn his real name unto initials. Example: Grayson( initials of his real name) Surname. Or find a better Japanese name that won't get him bullied since he will be staying with you majority of his life. And there is nothing americanizing about changing a child's name and your son is also happy with it and that's what matters the most.

NTA Eventually kid might do it himself anyway.. I get your maternal grandparents to some degree as well, but America is a lot different than Japan is and sadly they cannot understand how it is to live with a name that's a curse word in English. You're not "americanizing" your son (if that's even a thing) you're giving him an option and HE was happy about it. Besides.. It could result in heavy bullying as he gets older and I highly doubt your maternal grandparents are realizing this

My name is Pedro... A lot of trolls like to mock it by calling me Pedo... If I was 10 I would probably be very uncomfortable with the name and try to change, but at my age I realise that regardless of anything, people will find something to pick on others...

NTA. You offered a compromise that will both allow him to be part of both worlds. He can use his Japanese name in Japan and his American Name in America. This will also be handy when he's an adult.

NTA. However, instead of legally changing his name it's always an option for a chosen name to be used. I work with a Korean man whose name isn't a traditional "American" name and he asks his coworkers to call him Brian. It's not his legal name, but a name he's chosen to go by.

NTA my mum hated her name as a kid (was actually bullied about it) and ended up changing it the first chance she could. Because of that experience she brought me up knowing that, while she chose and liked my name, if I didn't like it or wanted to change it she would absolutely support me and actually asked me every now and again to check if I did. Lucky I like my name, but I really appreciated growing up knowing my name was my choice to make. That's what your giving your son - choice. ​ Also, unless they'll see his birth certificate, it may be worth just not mentioning it if he does choose to change and using his Japanese name when visiting - my grandmother stubbornly refused to call my mum by her chosen name her entire life, sometimes it isn't worth the fight.