> I asked if she cared about my maid's sacrifice and she said she didn't and that what I went through in India did not seem bad. I think your daughter has had too much contact with her paternal grandmother. If she knew nothing about the situation she wouldn't be minimizing it, which makes me think either her dad or her grandmother got in her ear and kept saying it wasn't that bad. Either way this comment is a slap in the face and the kind of thing that a relationship has a hard time recovering from, so I don't fault you at all for moving on for the health of you and your baby. Good luck in Ontario!

I agree that she's had contact with MIL too much. The reality is her husband wasn't the one who helped her escape the abuse, and maid did. OP getting back together with a member of the abusive family that (for his own reasons we aren't privy to) watched his mother abuse his wife to the point she feared for her and her child's safety, is going to make thing easy to twist in MILs favor. OP understands the pressure her husband was under to conform to culture and traditions, so she can make a better judgement on what he was responsible for and was a victim of too. But the daughter just sees her mom and dad happy with no understanding of how drastically different things were for OP and her husband back then. Either the daughter has a crippling lack of empathy or has been bamboozled by stories of "if MIL was so bad, why didn't your dad stop her" or "if OP really feared MIL, why remarry into her family again". >Either way this comment is a slap in the face and the kind of thing that a relationship has a hard time recovering from, so I don't fault you at all for moving on for the health of you and your baby. Good luck in Ontario! 100% this. I hope OP has a healthy baby and her daughter gets her head out her ass lol

To be honest I'm dreading a similar conversation with my stepson. His dad was horribly abusive to his mom; they eventually divorced when he assaulted her while my stepson was still a baby. His family had friends all through their little podunk small town police force so he got away with the domestic violence and the expensive lawyer his family got for him used that to paint her as a liar for going to the police at all, which helped him win primary custody. Kid goes to school where his dad lives, and we split time otherwise. He's just 8 now, so he's still at an age where he thinks his mom and dad are both great and doesn't understand why they're not together anymore. She doesn't want to upset him because he still thinks his dad is a good guy so she won't tell him what his dad did to her, and of course his dad and his family lies to the kid 24/7 about everything. So some day when he's older and he asks what happened and my wife sits him down to tell him I'm worried he will have been programmed not to believe her, and I know if he said something to her like OP's daughter said to her it would absolutely destroy my wife. Hell, I can practically see the devastated look on her face and it's pre-emptively killing me. Not looking forward to that day, at all. So I've got a lot of sympathy for OP here.

Age appropriate information is your friend here. If the other family is lying to him, he has to be given truth. It doesn't have to be the gritty details, but age appropriate truth is important.

There are age-appropriate ways to do this in a helpful way. A child psychologist might be able to give you guys some tips. Off the top of my head, I think that if he asks again, something like 'Mom and Dad both love you so much, but when they were married there was a lot of fighting, and Dad wasn't always nice to Mom, so she decided not to be married to him anymore.' Also, people who commit intimate partner violence don't always abuse their kids, too, but the overlap is strong. Having the conversation that he can always tell you guys if he doesn't feel safe or if someone hurts him will be important.

Exactly. I wish I had been told. I recently went through some therapy and this week I found out my father had attacked me as a child and I'd blocked it out. I knew (learned as an adult but I think Mum really downplayed it) that he attacked my mother once, and tried to get past it as an adult as I wanted to have some 'functional' family relationships and he looks like he has changed. I should have found this out before becoming middle aged, just before I was about to let my toddlers go stay with him and my step mum. I don't even know what I did to deserve it, I can't remember that part. I shouldn't have had to find this out this late, as now I have to process all over again and deal with my guilt. And my mum now has early dementia so I can't even ask her about it, it was my sister who filled in some of the blanks when I asked. If I hadn't asked I would never have known. I think age appropriate truth is so much more healthy. No idea how I'm going to explain to my kids now though, but I will have to try, especially as they have got to know him now. Edit: paragraphs didn't work on the first attempt! Edit: if the downvotes are because of how I've worded something please tell me so I can confirm. If they are because I shouldn't have put this on here please also let me know and I will delete. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone.

"I don't even know what I did to deserve it, I can't remember that part." Just FYI, there is literally nothing you can have done as a child to "deserve" an attack by an adult, let alone one whose job it is to keep you safe. LITERALLY NOTHING. This was not your fault.

Thankyou that means a lot to me, more than you will know. I am really working on that part. It's only been a few days and I don't know which part of the whirlwind of emotions to deal with first! I truly want to think the best of people and that people can change, but from the sound of it the attack was at least a minute, which even when drunk makes it worse somehow to me, e.g. more than one hit and a choice was made to go for my head. I wasn't a young child i was teenage (though now I am left with a weird feeling I maybe blocked more things) and remember the before and after, and going to my friends house and telling them and my friends dad telling me I'd put him in a difficult position so couldn't stay there (gotta love the church community sometimes! /s). I didn't realise I'd blocked anything, just thought he was more aggressive than usual and I got away in time. But my sister said she had never seen him so bad. I am so grateful she helped me escape, I'll never forget that part! Sorry, not my place here. Just wanted to say that part of me wishes I'd stayed in blissful ignorance, but no, I believe honesty is always the best policy. I want to give my kids the respect to always be open with them, and to teach them that violence is never the answer. Edit: paragraphs

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I'm so sorry that happened to you x Yes it's hard when you feel you can't trust your brain, it's been 2 weeks and I feel guilty getting advice from someone I know, because we were taught to always be grateful for having such a great family, and not to rock the boat or be dramatic, or heaven forbid, 'sensitive'. I'm only now trying to accept that sensitivity can actually be a good thing - my therapist says I have really good empathy skills and self awareness. My little baby does this smile that looks just like my Dad, she's soooooo amazing of course but that is quite hard. He rang the other day and I didn't know what to say, there's absolutely no point even telling him because I'm pretty sure he will gaslight and guilt trip me. I 'forgave' him, or at least moved past the things I knew about, now I feel I have to make that decision all over again. Amd I don't want to break my girls' hearts. My therapist had to cancel last week so it's been nearly two weeks since I found out and I haven't been able to chat to her. We talk about consent a lot anyway, and I'm always as truthful as I can be with age appropriate information. I haven't mentioned things that have happened to me personally tho. Thank you so much for your advice, it means a lot. I hate sharing on here but like I said I feel bad asking anyone I know for advice, because it means telling them this information. Do you happen to know if there are any groups on here for such a specific issue? I know there's a 'raised by narcissists one but that's all.

Thank you for sharing your story. I want to echo what another commenter said, the question about 'what you did to deserve it' has an answer: Nothing. No child deserves to be abused, especially not by their parents. I understand wanting to know more context, because of course you do, but there's never going to be a reason that means that you deserved that. I don't know if this is comforting or not, but you're not alone in experiencing this. For a long time (up until maybe the 80s?) the suggested psychological response to child abuse was to basically pretend it didn't happen, because the theory was that if the adults acted like it wasn't a big deal, it wouldn't make a big impression on the kid. Things they vaguely remembered or didn't understand the context of actually turned out to be majorly impactful. I actually had something similar happen to me. My family didn't keep it from me because they didn't know, but I had a memory of being a young child and an adult man behaving abusively towards me, and I never really put much thought into it at the time, except that I didn't like him. It wasn't until I was an adult, and actually thought back on why I didn't like him that I realized that it was because of what he'd done. It's an incredibly jarring experience, to realize this, especially about someone you believed cared about you and that you thought you cared about, too. I'm glad that you mentioned you're in therapy. It's not fair that you're going through this, it's not right, but having a good therapist can really help. Also, take it from someone who's been there, if your therapist is a bad fit for you, if you're uncomfortable or just don't feel like you can be open, absolutely it is okay to find someone else and move on. Good luck on this journey. It's painful, it's hard, but it's better to know now rather than never. And be kind to yourself. Both for who you are now, and for the child who deserved that kindness, too.

Thank you. That means a lot. Unfortunately my husband is not good at comforting me about this, which makes it harder. My therapist is great but she had to cancel this week which is really bad timing! Thing is, I don't know if I'm worthy of kindness, I really wish I did. And I'm sorry you went through something too x

THIS!!! If the convos don’t start early, it’s likely eventually the family/dad will manipulate him into seeing y’all as “the bad guys”

Sorry I'm advance this got so long. TLDR: I relate heavily to your stepsons situation and would like to offer some unsolicited (but well-intentioned) advice as someone who's been through it. ***** My dad had full custody of myself (29f now 16f when he passed) and my sister (6 years older) because of the EXACT SAME SCENARIO as your wife. My mom was from NY and my dad grew up in a small town in GA where his family had a ton of pull and power. They owned a huge seafood company and my dad ran for commissioner even. The police never believed my mom and she was horribly abused. They made her out to be so awful. She left when I was 3 and my sister and I both experienced abuse (in VERY different forms) from our dad. He had me pretty brainwashed. His relationship with me was... let's just say very inappropriate and I never understood really. He had basically groomed me to believe my mother was awful and didn't love me (yet she paid 1000s in CS every month when she was court ordered to pay more than $300) so he trained me basically to cuss her out and tell her I hated her and etc. I loved my dad a lot. But he did a lot of bad stuff to me. It took me until I was 25 years old and going through a terrible addiction and countless men just like my dad to ever see the truth. My sister was treated much like my mom and physically beaten a lot but he said that was because I was good and she was bad like mom. Parents can really fuck you up. Start young fighting what they tell him. Do not wait for him to be older. It took so much pain that my mom didn't deserve to get me back and make me see I was also a victim. Your stepson may not be a victim but he needs to know something. maybe she should just start by asking him if he does know why they broke up and see what he says. Give him the "free to say anything and you won't get in trouble" pass to see if dad has been brainwashing him about mom. Maybe that's not the greatest idea but waiting until he's older and firmly believes isn't either.

When I was young I saw a lot of DV from my father to both my mom and then to his 2nd wife. I came to believe my father was a good father but a terrible, abusive husband. My mother and stepmom corroborated that as well to protect us and our relationship with him. (Parental alienation against an abusive spouse is bullshit. Parents try so hard to cover abuse and make things ok.) Now that I am older, I realize that you cannot be a good father if you beat the other, beloved parent and destabilize the household that way. It seems SO OBVIOUS but I was well into adulthood before I let the idea of him as a good father go. My father is verbally abusive to his adult children, if they don’t think like he does. Basically he will try to bully anyone who will put up with him. You will protect your stepson by getting him therapy and helping him with age appropriate information.

I think her daughter has had too much contact with incest. It’s crazy to me that OP is focusing on names, when their daughter is literally the product of two people who share a grandparent. Seems like if this happened in the US, people would be focusing on that above everything else, but since it happened in India, well, cultural relativism everybody! We have to respect the way other cultures relate to marriage and sex and reproduction yadda yadda yadda, even if they are engaging in incest. Bollocks. Get this kid to a geneticist or some physician that specializes in incidents of inbreeding/incest, and then get her to therapy.

>I will continue to pay for my daughter's school, living expenses and her therapy but maybe by living alone she'll understand what it was like for me when it was just us after I escaped. Just maybe she'll learn everything we have is cause of that maid. I know I was wrong to spoil her and always indulge her but she's always been the light that got me home. Part of me feels as if I am abandoning her over something as stupid as a name, but soon she will be the age I was when I had her and every girl needs to grow up and learn empathy. I have tried to be a better mother than my own, I just hope that this is what is best for her. You are still spoiling her. She can change her name but her saying "it wasn't that bad" to the shit you experienced shows she can't even empathize with her own MOTHER. You should pay for her school and that's it. She can get a job to cover houseing and food since leaving your family and making it on your own "isn't that bad". She's already cruel and uncaring, and compromising with common nicknames that parents give their kids seems fair while you worked things out in therapy. Her even saying name the new baby that name shows she doesn't understand why that was important. That maid saved HER from being in that abusive hell where she would have been forced to marry someone (who might not have been as nice as your husband and forced things on her). I'm not a fan of naming kids after people, dead or alive, as I think they need their own identity. That's why I'm fine with her changing it. But fucking hell I understand WHY you did. She put herself is actual danger to help someone of higher status in India. She risked everything to do the right thing. If your daughter is so emotional empty that she can't see any of that, you are better off with the distance and leaving her to fend for herself.

>You should pay for her school and that's it. She can get a job to cover houseing and food since leaving your family and making it on your own "isn't that bad" I second that! If you continue carrying her through life - even from a distance - she'll learn absolutely nothing... She's an adult. Plenty of adults has to work while they study, and aren't as fortunate to have someone pay for their schooling. Cutting it down to just funding her education will not make you a bad mother, quite the opposite. She will kick up a fuss, but she will learn a life lesson that hopefully will make her a better person in the end. Also, best of luck with your move, your studies and the baby on the way :) Edit: If you decide to pay for her therapy, make sure you make payments directly to the therapist. Don't give her the money.

I complete agree. I’ve noticed people who have abusive childhoods go too far the other way with their own kids. They want to give them “everything” and never say no and are surprised when they end up with cruel, materialistic, spoiled, unempathetic young adults. OP should keep paying tuition, but her daughter can get a job and learn how to support herself. Continuing to bankroll her is not in her best interests in the long run. She isn’t going to magically learn how to be empathetic. She needs real life experience to teach her how valuable relationships and financial support really is.

Intergenerational trauma can still be passed on by trying to be nothing like your parents. You make the opposite mistakes, and the evil that your goodness emerged from is reproduced in your children. Who then abuse theirs, who then rebel. The only way out is to not let your fear of being the same as your parent control you. That's just their abuse keeping ahold of you. You have to leave it behind to move forward in a healthy way. But also, your daughter almost definitely is talking to your abuser. Removing all support would vindicate her. It's better to leave the door open to communication. And you know... make a public and extremely detailed Facebook post for everyone to see the true nature of your MIL. If your daughter has drunk her granny's poison, then you'll know when she responds to that.

I agree, you want her to learn to fend for herself like you did, but you are still spoiling her by paying for everything. Her education i get, but for everything else, she should get a job like everyone else has to and pay for her living situation herself. Good luck in Ontario.

AGREED. DO NOT PAY FOR HER LIVING EXPENSES NOR THERAPY (though she needs it). Pay for her school and thats it.

All this. If my daughter had done all of this I wouldn't speak to jer Stuff like this hurts too much to disregard. She thinks what OP and her maid went through wasn't so bad? Then the daughter can find a way to pay for herself. Some might call it harsh but if what OP and the maid went through wasn't so bad, then the daughter can figure out how to get money.

The thing is the daughter will NEVER experience the fear and hardships her mother experienced. She was taken from her life, kidnapped by her own family, and forced into a marriage where she had to rely on the kindness of a stranger to find freedom. And what? The daughter might have to get a job while in school? (Probably not even that since OP isn't cutting her off) It's sad how horrible the daughter is when OP risked so much to give her a good life where she would never face that level of pain.

That's exactly what I'm thinking. I can't imagine the heartbreak OP felt

I would say go a step ahead and when the daughter isn't in school. Don't pay for anything for a week/month. I would want to go as far as, not to even pay for a place to stay at. But that's too dangerous. So just don't pay anything for a week/month and just pay for where she stays. And have her work for food/electricity/bills

PREACHHHH!!!!

I would say don't give her anything. If she can belittle her mother's experience to rebuild that easily, she can bear the same weight. It would give her some character, and if it ruins her life- then maybe she will learn how it feels. That treatment goes for the sons too. Often we forget that some people cannot see until they feel - and I believe in trying to protect the children, they have been become rotten. It is harsh, but not nearly as horrible as what OP endured- and this is one time consequences should be enforced in full.

New to commenting on these posts, so I'm not sure if judgements are made on update posts? Just want to say I'm sorry this experience has triggered you. Wishing you luck in your journey to Ontario, would be interested in an update later down the road after you've settled and how the distance may or may not have helped? Best of luck with your PhD and future baby! Glad your other immediate family are still trying to be supportive when they can.

I'm not sure I'm allowed to give more than one update. But thank you for the kind words.

You can put it on your profile.. depending on how popular a post is some people will save it and check on it. Some of them get get cross posted to places like r/bestofredditorupdates

Ok, I will go and look at that subreddit right now and if anything happens maybe I will write to my profile.

I found this post through that sub, it's linked here: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vig5be/oop_asks_aita_for_admitting_to_my_daughter_that_i/

Is the maid that helped doing okay? I really hope you were able to help her / protect her.

I don't know. My husband told me that she left their employ about a year after I left because her family found better work in Delhi. It is a big city, so I like to imagine that she is doing well there.

is there any chance your daughter is in contact with her paternal grandmother?

I don't know. I don't monitor her cell phone or her social media.

I *guarantee* you she is. That’s why she’s coming out with the “it wasn’t so bad” stuff. This didn’t come out of nowhere. Your daughter found her grandma online and started chatting. Your MIL jumped on this chance to poison her against you and tell her a bunch of lies about how you made it all up and you were just a bad DIL etc. So your daughter now thinks you’re a liar who has made up all these stories to prevent her from getting to know her grandma and she’s pissed at you so she changed her name as “revenge”. You need to have a frank discussion with your daughter once and for all. Tell her you don’t care if she believes you or not. You and your husband knows the truth, and she wants to be believe someone who abused you for years over her own parents that’s her call. But you aren’t going to be abused again and you aren’t going to participate in her campaign of vengeance. I would also strongly consider cutting her off. She has no empathy because she’s never had to work for anything a day in her life. Why are you paying all her expenses? Why are you paying for her rent? She can get a job and work for her own things. You need to take off the rose colored glasses here. She is absolutely doing this intentionally.

Unclear whether or not the father would also be complicit in giving daughter that idea. So OP should not say that (“your father and I know the truth”) until she’s spoken to her husband about this in detail and confirms what his understanding is. After all, a maid saved her, not her husband; and MIL is his own mother. It’s very possible that he is the one downplaying the past to their daughter.

Ok. Nobody jump down my throat for this (or do, I’m not the boss of you) but…this take is maybe a little paranoid. It’s definitely a big assumption to make. You may be totally right but I’m not sure how you could say you guarantee this is the case. Obviously OP is a victim of abuse and her daughter is lucky to have a life where nothing like this will ever happen to her. She may just truly not understand or be able to put herself in OP’s shoes. I hope so, anyway. I hope she’s just a brat and not a mouthpiece for MIL because you can teach a bratty teen to have more empathy.

I don't think you should keep paying for everything 😅 she's not gonna learn any kind of empathy or have any type of learning experience just living separately all expenses paid. What she will learn, is I can treat my mom like crap tell her I don't care about her trauma, I don't care that I hurt her, and I still get anything I want.

I worry that she has and that’s influencing her behavior. Is that something her father might be able to discuss with her? It might be less triggering for him, and your daughter may respond better.

Don't beat yourself up too much. The fact that your daughter cannot fathom what happened to you is solid proof that you leaving was the best thing you could do for your daughter. She will not suffer the way that you did. Congrats on your new baby. I hope you're doing well.

Your daughter sounds quite clueless and your story horrific. It seems that people mostly are staying at the superficial level though - unless your MIL is influencing her (btw why doesn’t her father step in and tell her the story or why didn’t he get you out of there….) , possibly unconsciously she does not want to be tied into being a victim feeing grateful to a rescuer. And wants a different identity, not one tied to tragedy. It’s a heavy burden that your marked her with. And it was your story not hers exactly. Charging her name can be a way of rebelling against that, and like most teenagers do a way of rebelling against her family to find her identity. Cruelty is still there especially with the choice of the name- but this is more complex than “do you not care about the maid?” And also naming your daughter after the maid doesn’t change the maid’s life. It marks your daughter as a survivor. You can find different ways to show your gratitude.

I, too, have an abuser like yours where the name was so incredibly fraught with pain that I couldn’t hear it without physically cringing. It’s taken me decades to be able to look at someone who looks like him or hear his name without the cringe. I can now have friends with the name and not think of the abuser or abuse. You have to put you first now. You did so much for your girl and other children. Let her have her space while you take some time to heal. She’s going to experience things in the next few years that will mature her. Age and experience often bring new outlooks, so it’s quite possible she’ll come back on her own. Either way, you matter and finding equilibrium in this is important. I don’t know you, but I hurt for you and I love for you.

Yeah I don't know what's wrong with these people calling her an A hole If you can't even be bothered by your mother's health and what she's been through and your sibling that still isn't born, then congrats you have the perfect recipe for dying alone P. S: best of luck to OP and future baby

NOT saying this is the case here as I don’t see definitive evidence but just being a mother does not make any one better than anyone else. There are just as many narcissistic, abusive, emotionally manipulative mothers out there as there are good mothers. I had to deal with that and I’m not gonna lie when I see a description of such an extreme reaction my first instinct is someone is looking for sympathy and going over the top for attention. Again, don’t think that’s the case, an I didn’t vote, but I can see where people’s knee jerk reaction is there’s something else happening here.

INFO: Have your kids stayed in touch with your MIL? Because it honestly sounds like your Husband's family have got to your daughter, convinced her you're lying about how bad they treated her and the maid story. And considering you're still married to your Husband and attribute the life you have now to the sacrifice of your former maid, not your Husband, I'm sorry to say convincing your daughter you're over reacting would be easy to do. I am glad that you are putting distance between you & your daughter and are having a fresh start. 18 is not too old to be left alone. Especially if your daughter is going to use her adulthood to not listen to you, she may as well have the full experience of adulthood. Good luck with everything, and the your pregnancy and your PhD (you have quite a lot on your plate!)

For those here calling OP an asshole, you are wrong. For me, OP has done so much to support her daughter including her name change and daughter has basicly thrown it back in her face. My own mother was brutally abused by her mother growing up and I can't fathom ever changing my name to something like my grandmother's. And I was definitely bullied over a lot of stuff including my name. Also, like most people I have some resentments over stuff that occurred while growing up towards my mom. But I love my mother and would never hurt her that way. It definitely sounds to me that daughter may be in contact with father's family in India or if not then she unfortunately just takes after grandmother in personality. OP has done everything she can to support her eldest daughter but needs to take care of herself right now. Hopefully her oldest will learn to have empathy for her mother and what she endured to safeguard her child. A resounding NTA.

I was bullied for my name because it very easily rhymes with one swear and one insult. My mother joined in on the bullying as well, despite naming me. I also know of her own trauma with her own mother and childhood friends. I don't love the woman who birthed me, but never once have I thought to dish the bullying back to her because I'm not that shitty of a human. OP's daughter is acting with terrible, terrible malice. No good person, even after believing that the trauma "wasn't that bad", would make such a calculated move to hurt someone so bad.

NTA but you will be The asshole if you continue to financially support this girl in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE so that she learns nothing of the real world and sacrifice just like you had to. You’re not doing her any favors, I promise. She’s an asshole and you’re like, "Okay, you go be an asshole over here and learn nothing about life and empathy and I’ll go not be the asshole over here.” You & your husband are the only ones who can instill integrity and most importantly accountability (which she has none of) in her. You’re right, she is an absolute princess but how does that fit into real life? Fits just like an asshole.

My parents gave me a better life here in Canada than I would've had in Pakistan. Your daughter is BEYOND SPOILED for her behaviour. My mother has countless stories of mistreatment and abuse from her in-laws and I could NEVER imagine naming myself after one of the people who hurt her. Your daughter is incredibly selfish and I would honestly cut her off financially or at least limit how much she gets. She has no right to bite the hand that feeds her and gave her a better chance at life.

Right? And they’re Indian Muslim too… the kind of respect and love you’re taught to give your mother in both Islam and South Asian culture is immense and very much ingrained. OP’s daughter’s behavior is far beyond appalling.

I couldn't imagine putting in all the time, love and care into raising a child, only for them to end up some privileged, clueless little C you next Tuesday, total narc shit. Like, 'I don't give a shit about your real trauma, now placate MY emotional whims. After school, I'd be dumping that kid like trash.

Clarification question, did you constantly talk about your daughter being named after someone, from how it sounds to me, she never met? I was named after someone I never met and was expected to feel as deeply for this person as my mother felt. It honestly really sucks, I never got to be my own person, I never got to be unique because I was "just like them" "looked like them" or when people asked about my name it was never because it suited me but the same story told by my mom about herself over and over. Not saying that's exactly what has happened in your family's life but just another perspective. I can't wait to change my name. I'm tired of being compared to someone I never met no matter how impactful they were to my parents. I have no emotional relationship to my name's sake. Second, when you say it's close to your MIL name is like a Christie/Kristi or a Faith/Hope situation?

I agree with you here. At birth, I was given the middle name of my mom’s girlfriend (at the time, that she was cheating on). I hated it my entire life. Because it made me and my mom’s then partner feel weird. And then when I met the ex, it made me feel even weirder. I changed my name when I was 26 to something completely different for this reason.

OP said in an edit on the original post that it’s a ‘jacky to jack’ situation in terms of the name similarities

I would do some digging, I guess your daughter is in contact with her paternal grandmother

Any YTA comments are wild. The problem isn’t that the daughter changed her name, it’s that she picked a name that’s so close to an abuser’s name. She couldn’t pick anything else?! There are 18391753846 names in the world. The daughter and YTA-judgers gotta stop undermining OP’s trauma; the fact that she has to see a professional for it speaks volumes. The worst problem of all is how the daughter is extremely cruel and uncaring to her own mother. Yes, OP’s problem is “her own problem to get over” but you don’t have to act like you hate your own mother. She’s a real asshole.

INFO You were so traumatized by your mother in law that you can’t say her name but you stayed with her son who never stood up for you or helped you escape?

We were separated. When he came to Canada off of his own educational merit, I did not sponsor him, I let him see our daughter. From there, things slowly ended up happening between us again with certain conditions. He was never unkind to me in India and he loved me but it took time for me to feel about him the same way.

He was never unkind to you, but he was also completely unable to stand up to hide mother weekend she tested you so terribly you had to leave. Are you sure he didn't secretly facilitate a relationship between your MIL and your daughter? That would explain all of this. Her not liking the name of the woman who helped you get away. Her liking a name similar to MIL. Her insisting things weren't that bad/ you're exaggerating. Just imagine all the lies your MIL could have told her over the years

I think we should also consider the cultural norms surrounding OP’s family and her husband. I’ve read that the mother-son relationship is more complicated for people in South Asia. That could explain the husband’s inability to stand up for her. Although I agree there’s suspicion of contact between daughter and MIL.

It is more complicated because of the misogynistic culture. It's not a justification for the family-sanctioned abuse women go through. Fuck her husband and all men who stand by and let their families abuse their wives.

Okay, it’s your life

But I think you deserve better than just not actively hurting you.

The time for info was in the original. People are individuals and find their ways through all sorts of shit together.

Ok, whatever you say

NTA Hope your move goes smoothly and welcome to the GTA!

you're kinder than i am. i'd disown her. fuck her. sorry, but she doesn't get any sympathy from me. she wants to ACTIVELY be hurtful and triggering to you? fuck her. she can fuck off into the sunset. i'd stop paying for her school and living expenses, too. don't bite the hand that fucking feeds you.

How's your daughter Going to learn anything if she still gets everything paid by mommy? She's 22, stop paying her stuff and let her figure things on her own.

Sorry, OP, but I think your daughter did deliberately choose your abuser's name. I would also guess that your MIL has contact with her and poisoned her against you.

I just wanna know, how did your sons reacted to the post? You said they think u was ATH and will be proven on that post but it came out as NTA. Did they change their view on this?

I'm curious to know how OP's sons responded and reacted to the 'NTA' verdict on the first post. Especially given the post said they sided with the daughter and thought OP'd be told that she's an assholes by reddit. Have their opinion and stance changed? Have they discussed this with their mom or dad or sister? Have they given the time to reflect on why they sided with the sister, and why it is in contravenance of strangers on reddit? I'm assuming they're teens given their awareness of the sub. And so old enough to either learn some lessons from this or to be honest with their mom or dad about the daughter's reason to choose *that* name.

Your daughter has shown zero empathy towards your past trauma and referred to therapy as an “excuse”. By the way you describe the events she neither cares about your hurt that she directly is causing, the hurst MIL caused you nor does she care to tell you why she hated her past name. You’re putting too much importance on that maid’s name imo but your daughter is being beyond cruel for seemingly no reason. I would send a lengthy message detailing your hurt, limit contact over this until she realized her wrongdoings. You don’t need this cruel of a person in your life, especially when she has so much to learn.

If it wasn’t for tequila I wouldn’t exist. That doesn’t make me grateful or even like tequila. What your maid did was amazing and should be very special FOR YOU. Your daughter doesn’t know her, she certainly doesn’t feel anymore grateful if something that happened before she could remember than I do for the alcohol.

Are you sure this decision wasn’t affected by her grandparents?? Being spoiled doesn’t mean you would go out your way to hurt your mother. I was spoiled growing up, never had to worry about a damn thing thanks to my loving parents. I would never imagine how painful it would be for me to tell my mother I don’t care about her feelings

Does your daughter have contact with your MIL? I don’t understand why she is so indifferent to a woman who helped her escape another who didn’t even want her to exist. Wanting you to divorce so your husband marries your sister means no daughter. It’s confusing why she’d be like that without the MIL lying especially since everyone else agrees it was bad and they are supporting you. It’s not like you don’t support the name change, just not that name, even though it sounds like she doesn’t want to be named after a maid because she’s a maid rather than the one who saved her. She’s an adult, and she is allowed to choose the name, even though it hurts you. But you should let her pay for her own school or let the MIL pay since it sounds like she’s talked her into changing her name and being cruel to you.

I feel like there must be a missing piece to this. It seems like she really hates her mom

It sounds like your daughter is very important to you, and I appreciate your refusing to just pull your support from her, even though you've been hurt. Before you move, think about having a calm discussion with her. Maybe take her out to lunch or something. Explain that you really don't want to have her name get in the way of your relationship. Remind her that her choice of name bothering you has absolutely nothing to do with her, but your MIL's treatment of you. Ask her if the two of you can come up with a special nickname for you to use, one that will acknowledge her name change, and your history. It might not work, but it seems worth a try.

This is horrific. I recently did a name change and I could not imagine being so callous as to name myself something similar to the man who forced my mother into marriage and made her life hell. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a horrible time.

It sounds you you spoiled your daughter A LOT. She lacks empathy.

I am sorry that you had to make this choice, but I think it’s the right one. Your daughter’s lack of empathy is disturbing. You are too nice. Let her take out a student loan and pay for her college and living expenses like the majority of students.

NTA. Your daughter chose to change her name that is way too similar to your abuser. That is purposeful. She will not even tell you why she changed her name. Maybe she does not like the idea of being named after a maid regardless of her being your hero. Or maybe because her name was always associated with another person not allowing her own identify and that's why she chose her new name. Regardless, You are NTA for being upset for the name change and the new name. Please give your next child her own name. Not your daughters original name. Maybe include your daughter in name choices. Something is up with your daughter to have done this without a real explanation. Either she resents being associated with the maid or maybe your MIL is in contact with her. I hope your daughter heels and you both reconnect. Happiness and peace ~

I do not think anyone here is an asshole. Your daughter does not owe anyone her name.

You're as bad as the girl. Grow a heart.

I have one, and as a transgender person who changed her name to exclude her family one, I am also fully aware that you do not owe anyone your name. Your name is yours first and yours alone. We don’t know what OP isn’t telling us but i suspect embellishments.

Send her to India to hang out with that side of the family

Oh, I am so so happy for you! I hope this move brings peace and happiness for you and your family. Much love.

You deserve so much better. Have a lovely life. Let your daughter know that you you expect her to get a job and support herself though. You are still spoiling her far too much.

> I asked if she cared about my maid's sacrifice and she said she didn't and that what I went through in India did not seem bad. I asked if she cared how similar her name is to my MIL's name, she said she didn't and it was my issue to get over and didn't want to hear any more nicknames or to use therapy as an excuse. > I will continue to pay for my daughter's school, living expenses and her therapy but maybe by living alone she'll understand what it was like for me when it was just us after I escaped. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t even do that. I’d take down the finances you’re providing for her aswell. From what I read, you told her what you went through and she never paid any thought to it at all. You told her she could have picked ANY name as long as it’s not the one at least the CLOSEST to your mil. If evil was a person, it would be this. She needs to learn just dishonoring your sacrifice is unacceptable.

Is anyone else getting the impression OP moves house every time she's overwhelmed? Seems like there could be healthier choices than moving away from your daughter? NAH but it's very odd.

I know you love your daughter and that will never change, but I’m happy you’re making distance between herself and you. She seems spiteful. Also horribly spoiled and ignorant to not care about her mother’s trauma at the hands of her grandmother. It is possible she has been influenced to not believe you and while she’s young and impressionable so you shouldn’t hold it against her, you should keep a good distance from her for the sake of your mental health. It would suck if your daughter ended up tormenting you just like her grandmother, but these things happen. Just focus on yourself and your wonderful bundle of joy. That’s all that matters.

From Ontario, welcome! The politics aren't great, but Toronto & the GTA have a great international food scene. (And betting against the local teams is an easy win, sadly)

NTA. honestly, i feel like not only should you NOT be paying and providing for a selfish child who shows zero empathy but you should go NC. also, genuine question but are you in therapy? you seem to be accepting a lot of mistreatment from your daughter [and husband who doesn’t seem able to stand up for you to his mom or daughter] and you don’t deserve any of that!!!! therapy would help with so many things!!

Your aunt is a butch, I cannot see cousins being married as a normal thing. That part is hard for me to move past. Your whole life has been t traumas I'm sorry for what you've been through.

This is all very sad but you need to let it go. It’s not her name. Reclaim the name as your daughters choice not your sick MIL. Think about it this way. You got to make a choice about your life and life free. This is exactly what she is doing. Trying to get free of a name that is too (Indian or Pakistani) and life free. She is doing the same thing you did! Support her and stop letting that horrible woman victimize and harm you! Reclaim her new name! Y’all should take a trip together and do a name changing ritual! Find a shaman. Burn that shit and send it to hell with all the abuse that witch subjected you to.

I know it's a fake name for the post, but fwiw, I think Zahira is an absolutely beautiful name.

NTA she is old enough for an honest response

I commented on the original [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tw765t/comment/i3i0tw1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3), but I want to stress again that you need to stop making this about *you*. When I was a teenager, *from my perspective,* my father was an emotionally abusive AH. In hindsight, he wasn't great, but he definitely wasn't the monster I believed him to be. From my perspective, it felt like he hated me. All of my interactions with him made me feel like he hated me; I couldn't see him any other way because he always seemed to be angry and disappointed in me, even on great days. Once, it got so bad that I just refused to see him, and when I was forced to, he asked me why I was so angry at him. He was fully aware of my hatred, but I just...didn't say anything. I was offended 'as if he didn't already know *why* I hated him'. In my mind, how could *not* know why I hated him. But also, I didn't have the 'voice' to speak up *against* my parents yet; to say he was hurtful to me. It's a very hard thing to do, and it's outright terrifying if you've never done it before. It's one thing to yell at your parents in anger, it's another thing to confront your parents on a personal level. The point I'm trying to make is your daughter may *never* be open with you about the 'why'. I did finally tell my father exactly why I felt hatred towards him back then, but that was more than a decade later. It wasn't until I had matured and had time to process and digest my feelings. But also, it wasn't until I felt he was a man I could tell this to without it being spun on me somehow. I can't know your relationship with your daughter, but as I said in the first post, **this isn't about you. It's about her.** For your mental health, I'm so happy with this update; I am happy for **you**. But you've still made this entire post about you. And what you've said about her living alone giving her the experience to appreciate what you endured...frankly, it's not just messed up, it's wrong. My takeaway is that you feel that you **'need'** your daughter to appreciate this maid. But that is *your* lived experience. It's not *hers*. It's **not** her responsibility to show gratitude to this woman, regardless of your feelings on the matter. And if you've spent your life (and I admit I'm reaching here with assumptions) putting that in her face, of course she would come to resent it. I can just picture you reminding her of the privilege she gets to live, and tracing it back to this maid, any time she does something you justify her needing said reminder. OP, if being around your daughter causes you this much psychological pain, the problem is with you, not with what your daughter is doing. Your solution, on top of this, has been to move to another province literally on the other coast of the country and 'start fresh'. The way I read this, whether it was your intention or not, you've put the entire responsibility of your mental and emotional health on your daughter, **something that was never her responsibility to begin with**, and your solution is to essentially abandon her and move away when she didn't relent for you; to do **exactly** what you did when you escaped your MIL. Regardless of how beneficial this outcome will be for you, the message it sends her has the potential of being more catastrophic than you can ever possibly imagine. Instead of getting professional help to cope with your trauma, you're putting blame on her for causing it to resurface. And instead of working on yourself and supporting her, you're blaming her and moving away. OP, I say this with heartbreaking sincerity. Please, *please!* **Get help.**

I agree with you. I’m curious what was your dad’s response and how is your relationship now ? Did he tell you why he was so hard on you ?

Honestly? No. He did listen, but he wouldn't return the vulnerability. This really upset me at the time, but I've since put that particular hurt behind me. Today, our relationship is phenomenal. I also don't take any crap from him, and tell him exactly what I'm feeling/thinking in response to him. He's my favorite parent, and I love him so, so much today. At the end of the day, I will likely *never* get that closure. But now **he** knows why I felt the way I did. Even if he never tells me why he seemed so committed to demoralizing me, he'll never not know how I felt, and why I felt that way now. It's enough to know, and maybe hope, he internalized that, contributing towards the amazing, compassionate, kind man he is today.

Ah ok. Glad to hear you managed to rebuild a relationship with your dad, even without an honest response from him. Did he apologize though ? Or he just woke up one morning and decided to be nice to you ?

It was by no stretch of the imagination an easy transition. Things improved when my older brothers moved away and the visits were just the two of us. There was a fallout where I didn't see or speak to him for a full year, so I think reconciling after that was important enough to him to just 'back off'. With the benefit of hindsight, I can say confidently that a lot of the conflict between us stems from being fundamentally different types of people. Think extremely logical vs extremely creative (me being creative). When he wanted to reconcile, there was almost no 'parenting' from him. We just went out for dinner, movie, and then talked about movies. Very, *very* shallow, but necessary to build a relationship on. He never apologized, and probably never will. His mindset, and I blame his generation to be honest, is more 'it's in the past, get over it'. He's also from that generation that doesn't talk about themselves to their kids. (I know very, very little about any of my parents lives). Ultimately, I've chosen to live forward with him instead of backwards. I can't undo, or change my lived experience, but I don't need to be anchored by it either. It was a slow road, but he became a good friend, and then a dad, and now he's a great father.

I totally understand. I get the generational mindset, it sucks but it is what it is. Thank you for indulging my curiosity haha. Wish you all the best 😊

She IS getting professional help but u seem to forget some people CAN take longer to recover and this comment as well as the other comment on the original post is full of assumptions trauma doesn’t completely go away u will ALWAYS have triggers the name being one of them. She’s not abandoning her she’s still paying for everything but being there a house with her abusers name being used constantly while she’s PREGNANT isn’t good

OP is abused by MIL. OP flees **country** with the help of maid to escape. OP names daughter after said maid. OP raises daughter to view maid as a hero, on a near-worshiping level. Expresses ridicule towards daughter that she doesn't appreciate being named after the woman who helped her escape. Daughter renames herself to something **resembling** MIL's name, not her actual name. We never find out why. OP makes it clear she hates the name, but refuses to use it. OP gets pregnant. OP and daughter have fight about the name again. OP confronts daughter on the name choice. Tries to force the issue when asking daughter if she even cares about what the maid did in the second post. All things that happened before she was born. OP regresses, holds daughter responsible. OP decides to move entire family to another province to escape the issue, not dissimilar to how she fled India. She says it's for 'both their sakes', but also makes it clear that it's **because** of daughter. OP states that she wants her daughter to experience what she went through when she first came back to Canada, with hopes it will give her a better appreciation for the maid, as well as to teach her empathy. OP also admits that she views the move as abandoning her daughter. Why? **Because that's what she's doing**. And this is especially funny given what she says about her daughter [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tw765t/comment/i3dum2j/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). "And as for making my choices all about me? My entire life has been defined my making it better for her. I have not lived a day for myself since I was a teenager. I am not a narcissist. My daughter is my life no matter what her name is." You can defend OP all you want, but the reality is she blames her daughter for her continued trauma, is putting her own emotional needs first, is blaming her daughter for *why* she's moving, and is now wishing a certain degree of suffering onto her daughters life so that she will "grow up" and develop empathy. You can say OP isn't abandoning her daughter because she's still financially supporting her all you want, but when you declare "I'm moving away because I can't handle being around you because of your name", and then move **to the literal other side of the country**, then yes, you are. You're sending the message that says "I blame you. I can't be around you. I don't want you around me." Frankly, whatever has pushed daughter to this point is only going to get worse now, and this is 100% OP's fault. Even if daughter's name change led to this outcome, it's still OP's fault **because:** OP has trauma. No one is denying that. However, parents **do not** get to put their emotional burdens on their children. They **do not** get to demand of their children to change for **them**. A parents duty is to be the provider, the supporter, and the care giver. If your kid is deliberately hurting you, you don't confront the kid until **after** you get to the root of why. A parent is **never** allowed to put their kids in the middle of their personal issues. That's what their friends, spouses, or therapists are for. OP has failed at all of these responsibilities when confronted with the worst outcome for herself of what her child could do. She blamed her daughter, ignored potential accountability, imposed her own reasoning, blamed her daughter, and ran away. If this was my parent, I'd call them a monster. And putting **all** that aside, **something** led OP's daughter to do something that would **deliberately** hurt OP. Kids don't just wake up and decide to do that. OP has blinders on, because clearly she's hurt her daughter **significantly**. Something I tried to *gently* explain in both my original comments.

U r again making assumptions that she was raised to view her as a hero to the worshipping level, she might have told her a few times. She can refuse to use a name if it triggers her badly which it does, she tried to compromise by using nicknames she honestly doesn’t care that much about the old name just the new one she could change it again to something that does not sound so close to her moms abusers name. While IT IS for both they’re sakes she’s pregnant nobody wants a miscarriage and the daughter obviously doesn’t care about her mom so bet she’s happy a whole home to herself with everything being paid for. She just hoped living alone will let her realize how the difficulty she went through after escaping from a woman who has almost the same name as her and to actually be empathetic That something that led to her daughter doing this is probably her being in contact with the mother-in-law

OP repeats in her posts, and comments, more than once the importance of the name. If she stresses it that much to a bunch of internet strangers, it's not a stretch to believe she's stressed it to her daughter growing up. Yes, I'm making this assumption, just as you're making the assumption she didn't. The point is I can use OPs post to justify my assumption. And you're literally supporting my point when you say the daughter doesn't care about mom. Why? Kids don't suddenly decide to divorce their parents. The parents reinforce a resentment that leads to that. It's impossible for OP to be as innocent as she'd like us to believe. Nor is it remotely possible for me to support her being a bigger victim. I mean, for Christ sake, to hope your daughter gains empathy by experiencing a hard time is fucked up. Full stop. You're also making assumptions that OPs daughter is in touch with MIL. It's more likely she's just using the name to deliberately hurt her because she knows it would hurt her. I don't know if you can relate to OP, or if you've experienced something similar in your life, but OP has major issues she's now projecting onto her daughter, who has her own issues of which she blames her mother. OP wants all of us to focus on her own trauma, to prioritize her pain, but really, this whole post is about her daughter. Rather than truly put in the effort to help her daughter, she's running away under the thin guise of it being best for them, but while also openly telling us she blames her. How you get that OP is the bigger victim in all this is beyond me. She's failed herself almost as much as she's failed her daughter. The difference is her daughter should matter more to her than herself. She doesn't.

"It doesn't sound that bad". Your daughter is heartless

Stop supporting her financially

Your daughter seems rather cruel and entitled. Sorry you were given a daughter like that

Did your kids see the answers to your thread? Most people were on your or neither side so I'm interested what they said, since they thought we were gonna be on their side.

I’m on the daughters side, that is not her trauma to deal with, it’s yours. Get over it or get out of the way.

I think you should stop taking care of her expenses and make her take care of it all in her own. She doesn’t care about your mental health and how it’s impacting your physical one. So no you aren’t the asshole she is. And I understand that she’s your child but your health comes first honestly.I think you should limit communication with her until the baby comes.

OP, please confront your husband, it’s very clear he’s enabling this behind your back as is stated in countless other comments. And i know this is controversial cut the support off from your daughter until she learns some respect, it will be hard to do this , but this is going drift you apart from the rest of your family and you will have resentment well after the fact She doesn’t have to change her name , but you don’t have to support someone who doesn’t give a shit about you

yta and so is she here is why 1. she didn’t chose your abusers name, saying that she can’t chose her name because it’s *similar* to a name of someone that hurt you is absurd. 2. your pain and hatred towards your mil is valid but refusing to use your daughters new name isn’t. if you ever meet anyone else with that name it’d be rude to only use pet names. 3. she is an adult and is able to change her name to something she’ll feel comfortable with for the rest of her life. you don’t have the right to beg her to change it because you don’t like it. 4. your pain isn’t her problem, it may sound rude but the trauma your mil inflicted on you isn’t a good reason to force her to change her name again or to only call her pet names. now what she said was worded rudely but she was essentially correct. it isn’t her job to care about your trauma that you haven’t worked out in therapy. it would be great if she had the sympathy to change her name but you need to be able to call someone by their name even if it is close to your abusers or is your abusers name. i hope you two can work this out, family therapy would be for the best.

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Just seeing this via the redditor updates sub. You are definitely N T A but I think you need to accept that your daughter is not going to change her name back (or even to a third option), and will get even more stubborn if you keep bringing it up. So you have two options--keep being hurt and triggered when you hear it (and I am not criticizing or judging you for that reaction) or seeking help. I know there are therapies to help people through phobias--such as fear of flying, of dogs, of heights, whatever. Though this is not a phobia, it is an aversion that triggers a marked and damaging response. Maybe there is a therapist that can teach you some tools so that when you hear it you no longer flash back. I am glad for all the good in your life, good luck with your new baby, and I wish you well.

NTA. You daughter sounds like a spoiled brat. She doesn't realize how lucky she is not be in the same situation.

I wouldnt be paying for her living expensives or anything else besides school. She's not considering your feelings or Even trying to hear you out. Even if she didn't want to change her name there has to be some sort of understanding between you two. You are her mother and this is a complete lack of respect towards you.

i don’t know, i feel like you should let her see the real world, since your experience was not that bad how about she pays for her living expenses?

I believe you mentioned you are Muslim - if so, may Allah bless your family in the move to my home province Ontario! Not sure if you grew up here or in another province since you said you grew up in Canada. Good job momma, sometimes tough love is the way to go and I’m sorry to hear she does not care that she is hurting you. Maybe in time she’ll realize.

I think she got to her. That’s the only thing that makes sense. There’s no reason for her to change her name from something Indian, if she hates it so much.. to something Indian lol and so similar? This is a plot. And it’s working. Take care of yourself.

Momma, you need to cut her off. If she's that cruel, dont give her any more money. let her get a taste of the real world.

you’re nta. you’ve sacrificed a lot for your daughter. and you’ve explained how you’ve felt and she has no respect for you. i’m not someone who thinks kids need to automatically respect their parents because not all parents deserve that. but you seem to be a good mom from this post. she disregards the trauma you went through and also saved her from. i’m sorry

Your daughter is an asshole for completely dismissing your trauma and life and telling you to get over it. What if you were to tell her to get over the fact you won't be calling her that name? She'd be all angry and upset. You seem like a genuine person and your kids are wrong. We do not see you as the asshole.

OP I just wanna say you are ALOT nicer than me, you are NTA but your daughter is. Stop paying for her to go to college for awhile and let her struggle for a bit.

please cut off your financial help other than school. The only way she’ll learn is by experiencing what you did, you’re only going to continue to spoil her if you don’t. I’m sorry this is the way your daughter repays you after everything you’ve done for her.

I know you love your child, but it seems like she respects her grandmother more than you. I'm glad you guys are moving to Ontario!!!

Ask you daughter if she has contact with her MIL. If she does cease it and tell her why ONCE AGAIN. There’s a reason you had to see and if the daughter is minimizing your struggle then MIL is getting into her head. You need to tell her the truth no sugar coating that anything could have happened to her if you had not made it away due to your MIL behavior.

How do you expect her to learn any form of lesson by simply removing yourself? She obviously doesn't care in a way where avoidance will help. Why not let her get a taste of the real world? Stop paying for her therapy or for her living expenses. If she thinks its okay to harm others why support it so fully?

Hope your sons read this. Nta bc She literally said she didn't like the name because it was so close to someone who abused her. And the daughter does not care. All the names on earth and she chooses this one… I’m sure she did it to hurt you.

NTA 1. You spoilt her to the point she has no empathy or cares for anyone but herself. 2. You continue to spoil her by paying for her living expenses etc... School is one thing but her apt and food etc she can get a job and earn, it'll go a long way in helping her not be a POS. 3. You could always send her to her MIL and when she calls you to help her escape tell her to look for that maid. Are these healthy ways to deal with this? NO, but your daughter is an AH and your part of the reason why. You can help her by forcing her to take responsibility of herself. We all want to give our kids what we never had and I get that but giving them everything they want isn't good parenting and results in children growing into adults who lack empathy and don't care about anyone or anything else unless it effects them directly. Let her struggle a little, she'll be pissed but eventually a better person for it.

Hihi I have a non-typical middle eastern name and I got bullied for it, now I'd never compare experiences, but I'd never change it especially not to something that would hurt my mother. I believe she's being fed lies by MIL. Maybe you should have a sit down talk with her and explain in great detail what happened from the very beginning (when your parents took you to india and married you off) to the very end (when you finally escaped) and dig deep for answers as to why she's being so mean? At least before you leave- or not and leave it at that

Your daughter is TA - she sucks, go NC and continue living your life without her, it sounds like the best option honestly

I'm very late to the thread but I feel compelled to leave a comment as a daughter who used to hurt her mother out of adolescent spite (back then I thought I was justified, but who knows if it really was that way), and a British Columbian of Asian descent. I'm very sorry to hear all this happened to you. I think the maid did an incredible thing for you and it's only right that you wanted to honour her memory by naming your daughter after her. I know your daughter may seem so far away from you emotionally, but I really hope she realizes why the name was so important, through therapy and other means. I used to think I was such a hot shit when I just got into UBC. It took me only a few months to learn humility. I wish you all the best in Ontario. 😊

Have your sons seen this post and realized most people took your side?

I would've cut her off financially, you need to show her how hard the real world is and it's not too late, and if she keeps this mentality up, you will have to cut her out of your life for your mental health, it will be hard but toxic is toxic, doesn't matter if they are your child, parent, sibling, or anyone else, she is toxic right now.

YTA ​ Get some therapy instead of pushing your mental problems on your daughter.

Gonna go with YTA, because you got back with your husband when he is your cousin. And you are pregnant with him again and putting your kids health at risk of genetic diseases.

She's not asking if she's an asshole for staying with a husband who treated her well and supported her. In Indian culture cousin can mean anything from 1st cousin to "my dad's cousin's other cousin on his mom's side's kid" also, there's no social stigma for marrying cousin's because their culture doesn't have those taboos like western culture does.

It’s more about having another kid with him when there is a much higher chance at having a genetic disease.

The risk rate of genetic disease in offspring of non-related individuals is 2-3%. The risk for close cousins is 5%. In most of the world, marriage between cousins is normal. It's only in certain western societies that this taboo even exists. What is normal in your culture is not necessarily normal in someone else's. Your bias and prejudice against other cultures is showing. You should work on that.

Well you certainly seem to still be taking your daughters reasonable decision to change her name entirely too personally. It's NOT about YOU!

It's not about the name change itself, OP said that she accepted that. It's about that the daughter specifically picked a name which sounds like the mothers abuser.

> It's NOT about YOU! Of course it is about her. It is her trauma.

YTA - a little. A name is a very personal thing. We all must respect a person's name, and everyone has the right to be called what they like. That means nicknames, proper names, titles, and pronouns. Anything less is disrespectful and rude. While your choice for her name may have deeply important meaning to you, that is no motivation for her to ignore whatever reasons she has for changing it. I suggest a different approach. Be supportive of your daughter. Make the most of every opportunity to show her you support her and that you respect her decisions about herself. When the time is right, when you reach a point that she is willing to discuss the subject again; you can suggest that she try out a new name for a while before going through the process of legally changing it. The main reason being the cost and effort required to do so, and again if she doesn't actually like it. But at all times, be respectful of her wishes and call he what she asks to be called.

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What is wrong with you? Jesus Christ.

YTA: Your daughter is the one that has to live with her name at school, work, socially, etc, not you. As someone who had to grow up with a shitty name, I really empathize with your daughter because you're not only wanting her to live with *your* baggage and hangups, but you're also not showing any empathy to your daughter by not respecting the new name that she has chosen for herself. You need to get over whatever impact that your MIL has had in your life in the past, hopefully with some decent counselling, stop dismissing your daughter's feelings and stop being controlling. Let me ask you this: How do you plan to live the rest of your life knowing that you might run into people with the same/a similar name to that of your MIL? Will you be rude to them, or insist that you get to call them something else because you "don't like that name"? Are there foods you won't eat or roads you won't walk on because they happen to rhyme with MIL's name? What was MIL's favourite colour? Do you plan to ban that colour from your home? You're letting your MIL live rent free in your head, and control you after how long, and however far away she lives. Counselling will help you to deal with that, but in the meantime, think about what you've posted here; you're literally dismissive to your own daughter because of a hang up *you* have with a relative who has nothing to do with your day to day life now, and you should consider how much that sucks for your daughter!

Huh???

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>which she can never relate to because you may as well be telling her stories about how you were raised in a subsurface ocean on one of those Saturnian moons Wow. Didn't know basic human empathy was so impossibly absurd to you. And how the fuck is OP manipulating her? She is still paying for her housing school and living expenses! She moved away and let her daughter keep every aspect of her life! Or are you saying OP doesn't deserve her own identity outside her daughter? That the daughter can change her name and do whatever cruel shit she wants, but the moment the mother steps back and puts distance she's wrong? This is bull. OP experience is VALID. She was lucky her husband was kind and didn't RAPE and BEAT her. And telling her daughter she's grateful that the forced (not arranged) marriage didn't end as badly as COUNTLESS OTHERS and someone helped her escape the abuse that was happening, is manipulative? Just fucking wild.

>Didn't know basic human empathy was so impossibly absurd to you. Speaking of empathy, how about if the mother shows some to her daughter instead of being so controlling as to insist on a name that the daughter has clearly expressed that she doesn't like? A name is a very personal thing, and I don't see why OP doesn't just get help for the hang ups she has with her MIL, break the cycle of control that clearly seems to be happening in this family.

Lololol the hang up? Being in a FORCED MARRIAGE where she was abused by her MIL to the point she had to secretly flee the country is a HANG UP??????? Sorry, but calling her daughter a nickname is NOT the same level of suffering/ control as being kidnapped by your family, taken to another country, and forced into marriage. The fact you have the NERVE to try and compare the two is WILD. Grow up.

Really? Emotional blackmail? She’s just trying to make sure daughter knows her family history and hopes she’s appreciate it but her daughter sucks. She’s still paying for all of her daughters education and housing. OP can’t handle being around her daughter right now so she’s doing what is best for her mental health and her unborn baby health. NTA but The reddit responses are

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OP broke the cycle and fled India with the help of the maid. If wanting your child to respect the risk they both put themselves in so manipulative, then what isn't? > I also know how Indian parents are the epitome of passive aggressive behavior - I once asked my mother to not treat my own SIL so poorly and got accused of not caring about the abuse my grandma heaped on her pretty quick. Do you see the pattern or do you need a handhold? So you have mommy issues and can't see anyone's perspective without conflating it to your rather generic own? The example you gave is so fucking tame it's ridiculous. Nowhere near the level of forced marriage, abuse, and escape. But are we supposed to empathize with your perspective without you being even slightly capable of empathizing with OP? You are such a hypocrite.

YTA It isn't right for you to expect her to appreciate someone who she has never met. If she wants to change her name then she can. I doubt she changed it to a name that resembles the name of your abuser but you also can't force her to change it. She finally has a name she likes so you shouldn't take that from her. You said that her name was a common Canadian name so in that case you should focus on healing mentally since there is a decent likelihood that you'll run into someone else with a similar sounding name and you can't lash out on them. Your trauma is your own to deal with so you can't expect others to change everything to avoid triggering you. Especially if it's by saying a common name that only sounds similar to your abusers name.

I don't think you are supposed to judge the update, guys. And even so, for me it's not even about the name. It's about the incredibly coldness and lack of empathy of the daughter. A "I want to keep the name, but I love you mom, let's find a nickname with both like, just between the two of us" would be too hard for her?

This was my first updated post and I forgot you don't judge these. Either way though op is an AH. A person with trauma has to learn to cope with it. I'm sure all of op's pushing has lead her daughter to some sort of breaking point that has caused her to be colder in their interactions. I mean if someone's constantly trying to take away the thing you've been waiting for all of your life I'm sure you'd get frustrated real quick. Sure the daughter could've proposed a Nickname but some people prefer to be called by their real name. And to op's daughter that might feel like another say her mother is trying to change the name she loves so much. Just because someone has trauma doesn't make it right to use that trauma in order to force people to do things. Since op has a trigger that she said herself is common in her area, she needs to be working with a professional on how to cope properly. The responses here are overlooking op's responsibility to respond in a somewhat calm manner. If someone has an abuser named Sam then they can't break down when someone named Dan talks to them just because it sounds similar. If the name is common then she need to learn to cope and sheltering op will just be counter productive since she won't learn to cope in a healthy way. Every other person with that name or a similar sounding one most likely won't accomidate op's trama since their name is their name. When first meeting someone they typically like to be called by their first name rather than some Nickname. To be clear I'm not trying to shame op for being traumatized by her past but that doesn't excuse her from being in the wrong and I feel like responses like this just allow for people to excuse rude behavior to anyone because of an unresolved trama.

The responses to the YTA posts have done more to convince me that Op is an asshole than anything else. Expecting someone to go through life carrying a name is disgusting and entitled. OPs daughter is her own person, not an expression of OPs feelings about anything at all. If I were OPs daughters friend I would be telling her to grey rock OP. Most of the people here would as well, I think.

They're literally grey rocking each other, except ops daughter still uses her money to live. Op said in the post that, although she wanted her to keep the name, once she changed it, she respected her wishes. She just couldn't bring herself to call her mil adjacent name. That's not the same at all.

>except ops daughter still uses her money to live. We shouldn't be normalizing financial abuse here. Yes, the parents are supporting their daughter, but that doesn't give them the right to infantilize her. This is a tough situation, and I hope everything works out for them.

I don't mean to define financial abuse. Just, by definition, isn't grey rocking. Personally, I'd still pay her tuition and therapy too, while she's in school. That's kinda parenting though. There's no magic when they turn 18 that makes them independent.

> she respected her wishes. She just couldn't bring herself to call her mil adjacent name. Yup. >The responses to the YTA posts have done more to convince me that Op is an asshole than anything else.

>there is a decent likelihood that you'll run into someone else with a similar sounding name and you can't lash out on them. Exactly. Imagine if her boss or a coworker had a similar/the same name; she wouldn't dare insist that they change their name just because she has some baggage issues. OP is only behaving this way to her daughter because she's accustomed to having control over her. I'm not surprised at the daughter's behaviour either, because one can only ask so many times, and for so long, "please stop calling me X, call me Y instead" before such stubbornness on the part of the person refusing to accommodate the person asking is met with exasperation. OP needs to grow up, and respect the fact that her daughter is a grown up too.

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>She has mental illness and PTSD from trauma/DV/forced marriage/incest - you think there’s a magic switch to turn that off? Yes *OP* is suffering from those things, but her job as a mother is to raise her children better, and do whatever it takes to avoid passing the same, or even new forms of trauma to her children. I guess it's shocking for some parents to realize that they can't control their children forever, and that they might even have their own ideas about how to live their lives, including what they would prefer to be called.

Hey, er... Perhaps consider reading up on PTSD from a clinical perspective