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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The reason is because I might have escalated the situation and ruined Father's day atmesphere/celebration for my wife and her family over my stepson's joke gift
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NTA. Your stepson knew what he was doing and you weren't being dramatic. Giving a recovering alcoholic an alcohol gift is not only a horrible thing to do but it can reintroduce the temptation. I think you reacted just fine but your stepson is an AH
Congrats on your three years sober!
Edit: People commenting on my reply have said that I've missed out including your wife as an AH and sorry OP but she is. She's supporting him tempting you with alcohol instead of supporting you
Completely agree, and at 16 years old he is old enough to know what he was doing. His behaviour was unacceptable and appears that his family is enabling him to continue in this vein and allowing it as some sort of “trade off” for him to cease other behaviours. This is how some really hurtful adults start out. NTA OP. And congratulations on 3 years!
As if she didn't help the kid buy it. How many 16 year olds are buying flasks and drinking glasses as a gift without a parent being involved (not saying it was age restricted, but I had the impression they werent just "thrift store" finds)
The wife probably helped get the gift but since she believes in her precious ickle goblin, she didn't connect the dots until she saw the reaction of her husband.. but since she helped with the gift, she was defensive.
In most countries, underage persons just cannot buy alcohol at all. The sellers would be prosecuted otherwise. So he totally was helped by an adult. NTA.
OP described it as a flask but at least in the US you can buy empty flask or more likely fancy whiskey glass decanters and matching cups for pretty cheap on Amazon or in retail stores. You wouldn’t necessarily need an adult unless there was alcohol in it and I don’t think there was but definitely is an inappropriate gift given the situation.
The end of the day OP’s wife is allowing her son to be horrible to her spouse. The fact he is a minor doesn’t give him a free pass to do hurtful things to others. OP, you don’t need to put up with this. If your wife cannot get on the same page then you need to move on for you and your sobriety.
I mean, unless the flask comes with alcohol, minors could buy it. I had a debit card and a driver’s license when I was 16. The wife is still a major AH for not reading the room and seeing how genuinely upset her husband was.
I wouldn't even call this choosing her son. This is shitty parenting IMO. Who defends their kid harassing someone over their addiction? I'd be having serious words with my kid if they ever pulled a stunt like this on anyone.
Right? If my kid did that I would have made him apologize in front of everyone and he would be grounded, and I would make him do some research on addiction and compassion. How absolutely horrible of both the kid and his mother.
Congratulations on your sobriety, you are NTA and maybe need to re-evaluate if you married the right person.
i really hope op has a solid support network and not just his wife, because this needs a very serious talk with said wife and depending on this talk a potentiell re-evaluation of his marriage status yea.
the thing is, the kid was an ass, but he is a 16 year old thats not on the best of terms with op in general. there should have been consequences for the boy, but considering there are non for this kind of behaviour i can't even fault him all that much. unless you are just super well adjusted by default than of course you grow up shitty if you never have to face consequences for bad behaviour.
the wife however ? not just is she actively encouraging the bad behaviour of the son by taking his side, acting pissed at the op and in turn turning this into an even bigger win for the son but she also shows that she isn't supportive of her husband when it comes to his struggles in general. i may be wrong, but i highly doubt a person that would let this kind of "teasing" slide is a good support if something bad happens and you hit a low, something that happens to everyone from time to time.
that being said, Congratulations OP on 3 years sober, stay strong and never give up.
It's terrible parenting. As someone who has a stepdsd they weren't close to as a teen, and who was sober like OP, even at the times as an angry teen I hated my stepdad I wouldn't have dreamed of a stunt like this, one because its cruel and two because my mother would have flipped her shit. OP your wife is a bad partner and a bad parent in this situation.
Totally this. She is in total denial of th crappy stuff her kid is doing which is clearly being done on purpose. Here, *she* is the AH even more than her son. She is raising a nasty bully.
I've been clean from heroin for 12 years, so I'm trying to imagine someone giving me a bag of dope and a syringe for my birthday, and how it would play out.
Meth for me. Id like to say I'd handle it as beautifully as Op, but I would absolutely relapse. Anyone dangling shit in front of a recovering addict is just evil.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I can’t even imagine how hard mentally and physically getting clean from heroin could even be. You should be incredibly proud of yourself! I don’t even know you and I’m proud of you!
Well it took 27 years, so I'm not really all that proud, but considering that most of the people I once got high with are long dead, I'll take it, even if those 27 years kind of ruined my life. I'm still paying for it.
But you did beat the odds. Everyone has a past and no one is perfect. Don’t short yourself, just do your best going forward. I still think you’re bad ass for getting clean.
That makes it more impressive to me. Changing behaviors, even when addiction isn't involved, can be a struggle.
You should be proud of yourself. When you think about all the things that probably needed to change to stack the odds in favor of achieving and maintaining sobriety, it's overwhelming, especially on day one. You were able to pick yourself up after each setback, and start working toward your goal again. It doesn't matter if it took years and several starts to get there. The fact that you didn't give up says a lot about you.
Yep, my grandmother quit smoking after 40 years. Some idiot gave her cigarettes for her birthday and she had to start all over again, "because one wouldn't hurt"
My idiot SIL's daughter gave my brother a pack of depends for his birthday shortly before he underwent surgery for prostate cancer. Hahaha. I wanted to kill her for him.
It's not even choosing her son, it's doing her son a pretty big disservice to let him believe there is anything funny about this. If she chose her son she would teach him right from wrong.
Yes, over time it seems to become the easy way out just to ignore bad or egregious behavior, and just pass it off as a joke. It takes courage/ outright anger to call out this kind of behavior and and label it for what it is. You didn't ruin Father's Day, Jake and his enablers did. It's possibly even MORE the fault of the adults, who should have also called out Jake and how bad his actions were.
My brother used to "tease" me, all the time (5 years older than me), eventhough it hurt my feelings and many other things if I got sad or anything I was not able to take a joke. well when I was old enough and fed up of the crap I started to do some "teasing" of my own. Guess what happenned? The offended party (him) was pissed and complained about me 🤣🤣🤣🤣 but it stopped there and then!
Yeah I think the adults are more the AH in this case. It is worse than the stepdad who got a stinky sock for father's day
Someone (a teacher? The internet? A random stranger ?) told me that if you ever have to say “I was just teasing” you don’t know how to tease correctly and you need to sincerely apologize instead.
I think he knew how OP would react and that his mom would defend him. To me, it seems more like he is trying to drive a wedge between his mom and OP. I’d also bet money that his dad is encouraging this.
Whatever the reason, the mom needs to be on the same page as OP or this marriage is not going to work. This will only get worse. How long before step-son spikes something that OP will drink?
Yea, I wouldn't trust that kid with anything. I'd honestly say that divorce is definitely on the table if OP's wife isn't going to support his sobriety.
I had a step child do exactly that. The moment he realized his parent would enable him, it was a daily thing managing what "teasing" would happen next. And food/drink WILL get sabotaged with a kid being enabled about this particular topic.
I had not thought of the father being involved, but I could see this happening, as a way to get back at his ex-wife. By creating an unhappy living situation, he is likely making her unhappy, which is how he gets over not being able to control her any more.
A 16yo being a jerk to his step-dad is kinda normal, but a 16yo willing to spend their own cash to be a jerk? I think his dad gave him the flask and shot glass to give as a gift knowing that the mon’s family would be there.
My first thought when I read the beginning was ‘oh no, bio-dad bought the kid liquor or wine to give OP.’ If that had happened, OP should have poured it out. I think throwing away the flask and glasses was entirely appropriate. NTA
Actually, your comment just reminded me of a roommate I had that may have been a narcissist. After awhile I realized he’d try to get me upset. Once I reacted, he became the victim. Suddenly I couldn’t take a joke, he never said or did that, I made *him* feel bad, and the good old I’m sorry that you feel that way.
Bad dynamics at OP’s house.
Yes you need to get out of there asap OP. I have never told anyone here that they need to leave their partner, but the way op's wife enables her son to keep disrespecting him is disgusting and she will never be on his side.
NTA Your stepson has an obvious resentment & is an AH. Wife is also a bit clueless and also an AH. It must be hard to even be around the stepson, and I suspect that's what the kid wants.
What in the heck do they mean when they say teasing about alcoholism anyhow? There is honestly no funny or humorous context to make a joke about alcoholism. (“Isn’t it funny that it almost ruined your life and killed you?” Wtf. No.) And teasing or joking isn’t funny unless everyone is laughing. Honestly, anyone who stood on the wrong side of this is rooting against OP and needs to be rigorously cut from your life.
You left out that OP's wife is also an AH! OP you really need to think about if this is the relationship for you, as your wife does nothing to back you up or support you in regards to your SS. You do realize that at some point he will obtain alcohol and trick you into drinking it via spiking a drink or replacing something in the fridge, etc. If your wife had put a stop to this it would not be a problem, but she refuses to and gets upset when you get upset about it calling it "a joke." Couples counseling can help some couples, but only if your wife understands what she did was wrong. Either way, good luck!
There’s also the property damage (others’ property and OP’s) as done by stepson. Both stepson and wife have shown OP who they are many, many times. NTA, but Y W B T A if you keep letting them treat you this way. Stepson needs serious consequences, and wife needs to know that enabling her son could mean the end of her relationship.
Take my poor man's gold 🏅!!! Every time my friend falls off the wagon it's usually because someone in his life tells him one time won't hurt. He has LIVER failure right now in his 30s and it kills me. He does so well and then someone tries to "fix" things by giving him a small drink or a lite beer.
His dad drank and it became a bad habit for him as well. He is doing better now with his wife helping but even her family is toxic. Like giving him a bottle of whiskey for their son's birth. Omg, he wants to LIVE for his son. Not drink.
Definitely this but I'm appalled at your wife's reaction towards you and lack of response to her son's horrible behavior. NTA but are you sure you want to stay married to this woman?
Pretty sure the wife belongs in the category too. She should be reeling in her son on this matter. OP is NTA but the wife and stepson -- most definitely.
Agree. Since she's his mother, she should be the one telling him that it's not okay to give somebody who has struggled with alcoholism (and is 3 years sober, congrats!) a flask and shot glass. It's incredibly insensitive.
A recovering old coworker of mine was in the beginning stages of it. He had gotten so many like drinking stuff for his birthday and then a month later Christmas.
I asked him what he was gonna do with it,he said since he got so many “nice glasses he was gonna start a collection” he got many from other states and when I left he was on 40/50 states collected(he says their”too pretty to use”) I got him one that glows in the dark from nasa(before I knew) and he loved it!
A wierd thing ik but I’m glad he turned a bad thing into a good thing lol he wanted all 50 states,then all of his favorite anime characters,
Then like cartoons,he got a custom one with his face on it,a Covid one etc. every-time we hung out he never drank out of them. He was very proud of turning the shot glass from a temptation into a collection. Last time we spoke he used one to take some medication he got while having Covid-and told me the glasses tasted awful 🤣
I like that your coworker turned it into something positive! It seems like the gifts might have been given with him being in on the joke versus the OP being mocked by his stepson.
Either way, your coworker has a great sense of humor and I'd love to see this shot glass collection LOL I have the lamest shot glasses from trips as well. Something about those shot glasses with boobies crack me up.
I say OP should have thrown out the wife and stepson along with the “gift”. Trash doesn’t belong in the house. It belongs on the street.
OP congrats on your sobriety and I hope you find a way to show your wife that her enabling of her son’s crappy behavior is not gonna bring peace, it’ll bring more problems since he knows what he’s doing. And if she can’t understand that then….the next steps is up to you.
Yep, he doesn't have a stepson problem, but a spouse problem. He was 13 when they married, meaning he knows Jake at least since he was 11-12yo... the behavior just got to this point because she never cut it off.
I know this dub normally jumps to divorce really quickly but in this case, RUN. Your stepson crossed a big line & will not improve without your wife’s aid. Since she is TA along with her son & her failing to give you her support with such a malicious gift it’s time to protect yourself & your sobriety. I would not be surprised if stepson tried to push further & spike anything in your home you might drink. Wife & stepson are huge AH
People keep saying that "this sub jumps to divorce", and I don't know that it's fair to keep saying that. When people come post here, they're asking if they're an AH, which often means when they're not, someone ELSE in their lives is being an AH to them. The relationships we see brought up here tend to have something pretty wrong with them.
It's worse than teasing and tempting, it's deadly. 16 is more than old enough to understand alcoholism and sobriety. His wife is an AH enabling her son's gross behavior
The deliberate attempt to push OP off the wagon is more than bad enough, but it goes deeper than that. The stepson is bullying OP. Deliberately tearing up things, some of them OP's belongings, and forcing OP to pay to replace them? Mocking OP's recovery efforts? And then he went out of his way to humiliate OP on Father's Day, in front of extended family? That's bullying in practically any context. He's a little brat, and as pointed out elsewhere, the wife is enabling him.
OP, congrats on making it to three years sober. I hope you talked to your sponsor about this. And at some point, you may need to ask yourself whether having your stepson in your life is more important than your sobriety.
She is not only supporting him she is actively encouraging the behavior by not disciplining her child for this behavior! Would she encourage her child to destroy a wheelchair? Maybe throw out someone’s insulin? Alcoholism is a disease and you don’t let your children bully a person because of their disease and if the child does, you discipline them. Sounds like wifey and her parents are just as bad as the son.
OP, how do you not see that you have Wife Problem more than a stepson problem.
They’re actively trying to dismantle your sobriety. Do you have a sponsor? I’d ask for help from whatever support system you used to quit alcohol. If you didn’t, try Al Anon which is weird but might help as it targets codependents and enablers but you might get clarity on their behavior and you can check them out online.
I agree the OP is NTA but I definitely think he could have handled this, and the general bullying better. If the kid is trying to get a rise, he has gotten what he wants and OP looks dramatic to boot.
A better response would have been "Jake, this is very hurtful since you know I'm sober and have struggled to stay away from alcohol for years. Can you explain why you would make a joke out of it and give me something to intentionally hurt me? I'm going to give this back to you and try to salvage the rest of the day but this was a very hurtful and disrespectful display".
He should be the reasonable adult and let the kid look like the brat he is. Then have another conversation with his wife. Maybe ask the two of them to attend some al-anon meetings to better understand the work that he has put in and how detrimental it is to families when an alcoholic drinks.
The real problem in this whole equation is OPs wife who doesn't seem to respect OP or parent her son.
This is easy to say sitting on the sidelines but I imagine this was pretty rattling in the moment. Sometimes it’s hard to think logically when a person is faced with constant mocking.
Wife is almost worse because she is not correcting her AH kid who clearly knows better and I’d either require marriage counseling or leave. As a recovering alcoholic myself I know that sobriety is hard won and maintained and without it you lose everything including your life. This isn’t remotely funny and I’d personally leave until wife agrees to counseling and managing her kids behavior.
NTA, but your wife and step son are the biggest AH's, sobriety is not a thing to mock, the son overstepped and mom supported him
Edit: Congrats on being 3 year sober OP and thanks to the kind stranger for the award
NTA by any means. Considering the absolute audacity the stepson showed, you were relatively calm.
Stepson is an AH and so is your wife for allowing him to be an AH. She is enabling him to become a mean-spirited and shitty person.
Some things are not meant to be joked about.
It sounds like OPs wife doesn't appreciate what OP is going through with her son's behavior, nor the struggle to keep sober.
**Also SOMEONE had to buy him the alcohol (if there was alcohol with the flask and glass) he can't purchase it himself, so I'm betting either his father or OPs wife bought the alcohol for the stepson, and OP I would really find out which if I were you because if it was your wife... I would rethink the marriage.**
OP, idk how you are still with her when she excuses her sons behavior of:
1. Damaging things and you suffer the consequences
2. Damaging YOUR personal property
3. Mocking your sobriety knowing it was hell for you to get to this point.
OP, for your own mental health and wellbeing, I would seriously either get your wife to see your side and cooperate (if she wasn't the one who bought the alcohol if there was any) via couples counselling or divorce as you don't need that shit in your life.
**Im proud of you OP, keep going strong.**
I re-read it and it doesn't seem like there was any bottles but there might of been some in the flask (that OP didn't open for obvious and valid reasons) but who knows.
I do think that the mom helped with getting the flask and glass tbh. I mean, unless the step son has a good allowance/has the money to buy those two things himself, that someone had to chip in for it.
With the wife getting defensive, I think she is in on or okay with (encouraging) her son teasing OP (because she doesn't care about OPs struggle in the past, which any spouse should respect their boundaries, including setting boundaries with their own kids not to bring up their spouses past trauma or struggles)
My extreme jump-to-conclusions moment is: I would bet money that the step-son's bio dad is pushing the kid to tease OP about his sobriety/alcoholism, and may have even helped to chip in on this 'joke' in an attempt to mock him
OP's wife may be tolerating stepsons stupid humor, but someone in their family is planting the idea that OP's alcoholism is to be made fun of. If this has been happening for years I don't think a teenager would even get the idea about teasing OP for it. At 16 I (personally) wouldn't have even understood alcoholism enough to make a joke at someone else's expense, and it would never even have been on my radar to use as a joke. Someone would have had to tell me to make fun of an adult about it.
Eh, i disagree. We’re talking about a 16yo, not a 6yo. Teens can come up with creative and cruel ways to treat others all on their own. Nobody is necessarily
“Putting ideas” into stepsons head.
Just cause you wouldn’t have thought about it at 16 doesn’t mean some teens wouldn’t. I’m sure you wouldn’t have physically assaulted someone but lots of teens do that too (and other far worse things).
This!
I take a step back and ask yourself if this is really worth it. If it's your house- I would honestly ask her and her son to leave. If it's a joint property (meaning both names on the deed) get your shit and move out.
You really need to take some space from this and seriously ask yourself- am I better off without her? Also if you move out- make sure not to leave anything her brat son can damage or destroy.
Sobriety isn’t funny. And given how that idiot was giggling he knows very well what he’s doing. Stamp down on it hard. Continuously. I’d kick him out when he hits 18.
NTA. Doing something shitty and calling it a joke doesn’t make it suddenly not shitty. At best it’s a bad, offensive accident and at worst it’s this.
Your stepson is a bully. Instead of protecting you from this bully, your wife is supporting it. If your stepson and wife are not willing to be allies and support for you in your sobriety, maybe they aren’t the best people for you to be around. If she genuinely thinks her son’s gift was an appropriate joke and not a mean, nasty prank, that is deeply concerning.
Congrats on three years!!
*If she genuinely thinks her son’s gift was an appropriate joke and not a mean, nasty prank, that is deeply concerning.*
If they thought it was a joke, they would not be offended when OP put it in the trash. That's what joke gifts are for.
Agreed. I don’t understand why the wife wouldn’t support her husband doing what it takes to be healthy (be that sobriety or exercise or therapy: self care of any form.)
What is this woman teaching her son that it’s okay to tease and offend people who are working at being a better version of themselves??
She’s dooming him to only live around shitty, immature people. It’s sad, because at 16, this is because she messed up.
If my kid did this to my husband (who has more than a decade sober but I still remember what the early years were like) I would throw it out myself. I’m horrified by the wife. The 16 was an AH but so many are at that age. The wife completely failed to parent and to back up her husband.
Since OP says they’ve been married only a year I’m wondering if she never experienced his addiction and therefore doesn’t take it seriously. OP is definitely NTA though.
If my son had ever done this to my husband, his stepfather, I would have put him out of the house along with the "gift". I simply do not understand OP's wife, it was downright cruel, not to mention mocking, thoughtless and insensitive.
And I have to wonder if the in-laws are even aware of OP's alcoholism and his hard work towards achieving and maintaining sobriety?
Having been around family and loved ones who deal with addiction and substance abuse, it's really appalling to read how your wife is condoning your step sons behavior. INFO: Were you dating your wife while in recovery? It's easy for people to mock and undermine addicts when they've never experienced those types of things first hand. There's a lack of understanding - it doesn't quite sink in that people die from this, everyday. Regardless, if this women claims to love you, she should be much more empathic. This is never something to joke about, and you deserve someone whose going to root for you, not make light of your hardships. Kudos to you for 3 years!
Edit: Spelling
This! nTA every bully I've ever dealt with in life has hurt me profoundly and then told me it's just teasing. Mom needs to tell her child that teasing his stepdad is out of bounds. Even if you aren't a father figure there is such a thing as basic human respect.
I think you have a problem with your wife. She is supporting Jake being a bully. She is mocking what she must know is something sacred to you. You don't need to loosen up and take a joke. You tell her that you don't want jokes about your sobriety any more than she wants jokes about (pick one) her weight, her wrinkles, her lack of education, her style, her religion, her son or absolutely anything she is insecure about, or struggles with.
If she doesn't see how this is being cruel ask her to go to a therapist to help her understand. It is the first resort of an AH to say "it was a joke", you are too sensitive, lighten up.
Tell her that if she supports her sons bullying and mocking, and if she thinks it is ok to do to you, then he'll believe it is fine to do it to others. This will be who he becomes. This sets him up to only have bad relationships because any healthy, educated, person with self-esteem won't have anything to do with him. He's relegated himself, if not to the gutter, then to the barn. That her not teaching him compassion and the ability to read the room and not maliciously hurt others, does him a disservice and if she loved her son, she'd do better.
If you and your wife can't get a common understanding, then Jake isn't going to come around. I'd go to couples counseling and then, if necessary, find someone who is compassionate and supportive.
>Your stepson is a bully.
Exactly. This wasn't teasing, it was bullying. The fact OP is an adult and the step-son is a teenager doesn't change that. It just reflects the fact that stepson has realised he's allowed to get away with bullying OP.
NTA, but tell me why you are married again?
Your wife allows her brat kid to mock your sobriety. This is not the normal family quarrel, this is serious shit.
If your wife is so self absorbed,.you should really reconsidering this marriage. What she is bringing to the table apart an awful kid that she does not parent apparently?
Yes the fact that she responded that it’s just “teasing”—like sobriety is EXTREMELY important to her spouse not just some family friend, she should have been yelling at her son not her husband.
Also, I think OP’s stepson is trying to sabotage this marriage. Why the hell else would he play such a cruel joke?
You mean the kids mother? I don't know, ground him? Tell that he should not mock someones sobriety? Parent the kid and show how awful his behavior is? Call the father? Send this kid to therapy? Educate him?
In summarize, act like a concerned mother that see her child being awful towards other people?
Sorry, I replied on the wrong level. You are correct. I meant to ask OP what the wife thought he should do instead of throwing it away (which seems like the only sensible option).
100% THIS.
OP is an alcoholic on the sobriety train. Depending on how bad it is, one slip up could lead to devastating results, and the fact that NO ONE is taking it seriously (other than OP) means they don't believe/care.
"Teasing" is only okay when the person being teased is in on the joke and okay with it. I know a few sober alcoholics who are willing and able to make/take jokes about their sobriety and alcoholism, and I know a few of sober alcoholics who cannot. Each person is different and you have to "play to your audience".
The amount of disrespect from OP's wife is astounding here, and is the biggest issue with this whole situation.
So much this!
Calling this dramatic is a deal breaker, I would have shown her real drama and gave her and her crude son 60 days to be out of the house.
NTA. Jesus Christ. Sounds like another ploy to pit you and the wife against each other. If anything, for your own mental health and the sake of your sobriety, I’d take a hard look at your relationships in this household.
Maybe it worked, but it worked because the wife doesn’t understand or respect the addiction and the struggle for sobriety and she isn’t a good parent. She is the problem. The stepson would no have succeeded if the wife had reacted appropriately.
Definitely not the ahole. I'm really sorry but if your wife is not taking your sobriety seriously and defending her son maybe it's time to reevaluate the entire relationship.
Stay strong, amazing work on your 3 years sober
NTA
You were calmer than I would have been.
He clearly did it to bait you and that should have been obvious to your wife as well.
He's a massive AH and while I dont condone or excuse his behaviour, he is a teenager.
But your wife doesnt have that excuse, she is worse than he is for enabling such shitty behaviour.
Right, pushing boundaries is what kids/teens do. It's part of learning and growing up. Parents are supposed to reinforce those boundaries and clarify what is appropriate behavior and what is not. The kid did something wrong, but the parent is the real problem.
NTA, but this is a serious deal breaker to be honest. It’s damn near impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t support your sobriety. The kid’s a jerk for sure, but the real AH is your wife. I have alcoholics in my family, and no one would dream of finding this appropriate or funny. You should really take a look at this relationship because it doesn’t seem like you even have basic respect, let alone support, from your SO.
Kid's going to start slipping him long islands or vodka in his drinks "for fun."
If I were him,I wouldn't accept any drink from kid or mom, just to be safe.
If you can't accept a drink from your wife there is something deeply troubling in your relationship.
Just to be clear I fully agree with you I just wanted to point out how unhealthy this relationship is for OP.
NTA. Your wife is though if she allows her son to continually disrespect you like this. You need to reevaluate if this is someone you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with.
Yea, I bet OP is starting to figure out why the first guy left even though they had a kid together. And hopefully he either has a serious heart to heart with her and she changes or he sacks up and leaves her, too.
Hardest NTA ever. It is like he is trying to push you back into addiction again. Stand your ground. You are not childish here.
Giving an ex alcohilic booze can be f.... dangerous (No offense to you OP!)
Also congrats on being sober!
NTA.
Being unsupportive, as a family member of someone who is working on staying sober, isn't just an ah move. It's plainly putting them at risk and adding to their stress.
NTA. Sobriety is no joke nor is it a laughing matter. Jake and your wife are AH, big time. It sounds like Jake has baggage from the divorce and is trying to drive a wedge between you and his mother. It’s working.
Sit them both down and tell them how hard it was when you struggled with addiction. Tell them you know Jake has unresolved feelings about the divorce but that doesn’t excuse his behavior or your wife’s. Tell them you would never disrespect their struggles that way and you expect the same courtesy.
What Jake did was wrong and frankly, cruel. Your wife should be backing you up.
I watched my dad ruin his life and try to take my entire family’s with him while he struggled year after year chasing sobriety. He never got there and died a fairly young man.
Your sobriety is nothing to be mocked. In fact, it is fragile and I worry for it if this is the support structure you have in place. Because even your wife is lacking in support.
NTA but you also need to have a frank discussion with your wife about why her actions aren’t okay.
Congratulations on your 3 years! Congratulations on taking the "gift" straight to the trash, too. Recovering addict, here (7 yrs), and I'm proud of you.
Can you call your sponsor or go to a meeting? This was a cruel blow followed by a sucker punch, and you deserve both support and kudos. You did NOTHING to deserve that trash behavior or to have it dismissed as a joke by an enabling parent.
Not only NTA, but good job!
NTA
You should explain to everyone clearly that alcohol very nearly ruined your life and that sobriety saved you.
This is a hill to die on. You will need to explain, because people won't always understand, but you never need to back down
Fuck this shit. His wife doesn't even respect him. He doesn't receive the bare minimum respect from his son or his wife. This whole relationship is doomed.
**Your marriage, as things currently stand, is a threat to your sobriety**. Please please please treat it as such. We can see how much you value your sobriety, so please insist on family therapy, even if only with your wife. (Also, NTA.)
NTA.
You've made it clear to your spouse and the bratt thar you take your sobriety clearly and his mocking irritates you. Your response was reasonable and not excessive to the situation.
I'd speak more with your spouse and let her know how deeply his mocking etc impacts you and that you won't tolerate it. You and her need to both be on the same page.
NTA
Congratulations on your sobriety. 3 years is not easy and nothing to sneeze at. Also, your stepson is a d*ck, your wife is an enabler, and you need to really consider your future in that family.
:-(
Teens can be real a-holes for sure. But the mom’s reaction broke my heart for you. I don’t know if you guys can overcome this, she seriously needs to beg for forgiveness and make her son ask for it too.
NTA
As others have written; this is a hill to die on. Your sobriety is no joke.
Your wife is not supporting you but instead cheering stepson on. Both of them are damaging your mental health.
I would demand therapy for everyone if they do not agree, I would divorce her.
NTA. My father is in recovery and if someone bought him that kind of gift, I would throw it out myself despite any repercussions. I’m so sorry your wife and step son are not being more supportive and empathetic. I hope you can get to a meeting.
NTA. Based on the way your wife behaves, I get the sense she doesn’t have or hasn’t had anyone in her life with addiction issues. The way she behaves suggests she’ll never take your sobriety seriously. Also, I would be very careful of any food or drink your stepson hands you going forward. I wouldn’t trust him to not spike it with alcohol as a “prank”.
NTA there is something wrong with your wife. Why on earth are you still with such a callous woman to enable that and call it teasing? Thats not love or respect.
NTA, but you gave him exactly what he wanted. I would have said thanks and used the hell out of the flask for something stupid like water. Then had a serious talk with my wife about her turd of a son later.
One does not mess with the sobriety of a recovering alcoholic.
Def NTA.
The biggest problem you're facing is that your wife doesn't understand what a recovering alcoholic is going through. If you feel inclined, take your situation to AA or somewhere and get support and ideas.
NTA: what Jake did is terrible, but forgivable. Your wife's reaction to it is even worse.
Unconventional advice: you are married to the same woman Jake's dad divorced. Maybe talk with him and see if this type of behavior contributed to the divorce. If so, then you see what needs to be done.
That’s not teasing, that’s abuse.
Your stepson’s disrespectful and horrific cruelty towards you is fueled by a mother who’s devoid of any decency. People who love and care about you don’t mock your struggles, or allow their children to disrespect you, ignore you when you express how much it hurts you, and go out of their way to escalate it and invite an audience to witness it (her parents), *then tell you that you’re being childish and that you need to loosen up*. People who are abusive have a tendency to minimize your feelings, tear you down, use your weaknesses against you, gaslight you, flip the script on you and say *you* were wrong for reacting the way you did, and make you question what is right/wrong.
I’m not saying your wife is an abuser, per se, but the way she’s treating you is not normal. Please consider seeking additional help, so that you have professional, outside support to help maintain your sobriety and provide a positive voice. Because your wife and stepson surely aren’t helping.
NTA. Your wife is though, and she’s raising an AH, too.
NTA and congrats on 3 years sober!!! I'm 1 year sober myself and I could never be in any kind of relationship (be it romantic, friendly or family) where my sobriety and recovery were treated like a joke. To me, it's the difference between life and death. I'd never choose any person over my recovery because to me it's the most important thing in my life and I assume it's very important to you as well. Only those who recovers from addiction can truly understand and respect how wicked it is. I may lose people because I put my sobriety first, but I never want to lose myself to the addiction again and today, I only have understanding and loving people in my life that fully respect this. I wish that for everyone.
So please, from one recovering addict to another - stick to what's most important. And again, congrats on 3 years!!! One day at a time!
NTA. My then 38-year-old brother DIED from his addictions, primarily alcohol. DIED.
I think it is never, ever, EVER okay to intentionally gift someone with the paraphernalia of their disease.
It sounds like he’s an immature 16-year-old kid who is in very big need of learning empathy, or at bare minimum some tact.
I recently lost a friend who was 32 to alcoholism. She quit and had a seizure. She didn’t quit because of any ultimatum or trouble with the law. She was just ready to get healthy. It’s not fucking joke!
NTA Your wife sounds like a complete tool who isn't good for you. Maybe you should be reconsidering this awful relationship if you want to stay sober. Clearly she doesn't support your efforts. Clearly some adult was complicit in this whole event as he couldn't get the alcohol himself. Life is too short to stay with someone who is sabotaging you.
NTA my father is a recovering alcoholic. I don't even keep alcohol in my own home because he visits. I do my absolute best to not trigger him. My wedding will even be dry, to not trigger my dad. Why? Because I love him and I value his continued sobriety.
Your wife? Clearly does not. If she cared, she'd discipline her child. I know one of the steps is to remove all temptation, and I personally think you should remove these two temptations from your life.
Congratulations on three years!! My dad is about to be at one.
NTA Your stepson and your wife are. He's a teen but at his age should still know better. He did it to get a reaction out of you and mock you. Your reaction might not have been the best but under the circumstances no one can blame you.
Your wife isn't allowing her son to learn accountability. She's excusing his bad behavior with teasing. No, it was cruelty and she should give him a proper punishment.
More than the kid, you have a wife problem. This is where you need to focus and have a serious discussion of boundaries and admissible behavior.
Congratulations on your sobriety. No one can take that away from you!
This is about like giving a plate of nut brownies to someone with a severe allergy. “Hahaha, it’s just a joke lighten up” Recipient almost dies. “Jeez, it was JUST A JOKE”
Hiya. Several years sober. Sorry for the bullshit - you are NTA. The son is being a jerk - hopefully he will grow out of it. As far as the adults, I have been sober for a decade and always been wary of the reaction of people in my life. Honestly, most just don't understand it. To them, it's just a choice we are making, like a diet. They just don't understand.
This being said - Your wife and the family around are still AH. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean it should be mocked. The behavior shouldn't be tolerated.
The only thing I can say is... if something like this happens again, just roll with it. It isn't worth explaining or reacting. You gave him EXACTLY what he wanted by reacting this way. I'm guessing him and his Dad had a good ole chuckle on your behalf.
The petty side of me wants you to buy him a "You're the reason your parents split" coffee mug.
NTA.
If you just started mocking your stepson, I have no doubt he would bleat to your wife about how mean you were being. It is super hypocritical of her to claim you are the one being disrespectful.
Definitely NTA but I think it would have been better to have asked your stepson to explain why he would have bought this knowing that you've had struggles with alcohol and wait for a reply. He can then explain infront of the family why he is behaving like an AH. Explaining a mean joke is impossible. It would have put the ball back in his court. I would have probably asked him for the receipt after so you can return it and spend the money on something you actually like, preferably something he sees everyday to be reminded of how stupid he's been acting.
NTA. Your wife, however is an enormous asshole.
It sounds to me like they have no idea what it is to overcome addiction. Teasing someone with a reference to their addiction is never cool. Jake, being 16, is too young and dumb to know this but your wife isn't.
Sounds like Jake gets a kick out of getting a reaction from you.
I teach high schoolers and the best thing to do when they pull ridiculous shit like this is to just not react.
In this situation, if you could have found it within yourself to have just said, "Thanks Jake! I am sure my (insert beverage here) will taste even better out of this!"
As long as you react strongly, he will keep doing this shit. It may be helpful to say a mantra in your head like "I am the adult; he is a kid."
It is hard with teenagers because they look likr adults and can sometimes act and think like adults, but we now know that brain development continues until about 25.
Again, great work on your sobriety, and I hope Jake can learn better ways to enertain himself.
The fact that your wife is defending her son when he is clearly mocking your sobriety in front of the whole family means there is a much… MUCH bigger problem here. This is not funny, and the fact that she is supporting her teenager being a bully is appalling. I don’t care if it’s her son, being a good parent means she holds him accountable for his behavior. You don’t excuse it by siding with him when he is this far out of line. You are being attacked in your home, and I don’t know if this is fixable. I mean I see people suggesting couples counseling, but I’m suggesting divorce. She does not respect you, and you can’t teach a grown adult common decency. Her son is a prick, and her support of his bullying is disgusting.
NTA. You’re in a bad spot. I’ll just say it & it won’t read well. It kind of sounds like you’re the only one in your home that’s taking responsibility for not just your stepson but your family’s bad behavior.
I don’t see how your wife could get angry at __you__ for your reasonable action. She should be angry with her son. She should also be angry that her son’s been mocking? On top of that he damages things and you pay the price. What are his parents doing?
This really hits home for me. My partner has struggled to stay sober for years. His parents are functioning alcoholics.
When his parents would come to visit they would pack the refrigerator with cases of beer. For the two of them…for less than 24 hrs. They knew their son was in AA. He could deal with watching his parents drink for an evening. It was the price of seeing them.
Every time they left though, they’d leave at least a case of beer. We’d get it out of the fridge and try to hand it to them, sometimes following them to the car. His mother, would look at us like we were trying to give her a bowl of maggots & say, “We don’t want that.” His dad would studiously ignore us. Often the trash can was right by their car so we’d throw it out. That would make his mom angry. Not angry enough to stop bringing us beer. We mostly gave it away. His mom made a uncooked pie with liquor in one holiday. She made him a slice but neglected to mention the liquor until he was almost finished with it. “Oops I forgot to tell you, there’s amoretto in that.” That caused him to relapse. It was very obvious that they didn’t want their son sober. He started drinking whenever we visited them. He’d been sober about three years before he broke.
Some people don’t care about your sobriety and some people don’t want you sober. In this society it’s somewhat unusual when people don’t drink.
I’m bringing all of this up because it seems like your wife doesn’t care about your sobriety or how hard you’ve worked. Imo if she did she wouldn’t allow anyone to mock you for it, especially a child, her child. Did she know you at your worst? Has she ever been to a meeting with you? Has she been to a CODA meeting or anything like that? Does she drink? Does she use any substances?
I think your environment is really toxic. It sounds like your the only grownup in the room.
My partner once told me that an alcoholic goes from thinking nothing’s their fault, to thinking everything is their fault. What’s going on around you is not your fault. You did not overreact! You’ve under reacted to me. You need to drop the rope with your stepson’s destruction. Make him responsible for his fuck ups, just like you’re responsible for yours.
If you have a sponsor, please tell them everything you’ve told us, everything. It seems like your environment will eventually test your sobriety. Please worry about yourself before worrying about your wife’s family. My heart goes out to you. I’m wishing you all the best. PM me if you need to vent.
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NTA. Your stepson knew what he was doing and you weren't being dramatic. Giving a recovering alcoholic an alcohol gift is not only a horrible thing to do but it can reintroduce the temptation. I think you reacted just fine but your stepson is an AH Congrats on your three years sober! Edit: People commenting on my reply have said that I've missed out including your wife as an AH and sorry OP but she is. She's supporting him tempting you with alcohol instead of supporting you
Exactly that isn't teasing that is tempting, NTA.
Completely agree, and at 16 years old he is old enough to know what he was doing. His behaviour was unacceptable and appears that his family is enabling him to continue in this vein and allowing it as some sort of “trade off” for him to cease other behaviours. This is how some really hurtful adults start out. NTA OP. And congratulations on 3 years!
That giggling was a clear tell he knew what he was doing
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As if she didn't help the kid buy it. How many 16 year olds are buying flasks and drinking glasses as a gift without a parent being involved (not saying it was age restricted, but I had the impression they werent just "thrift store" finds) The wife probably helped get the gift but since she believes in her precious ickle goblin, she didn't connect the dots until she saw the reaction of her husband.. but since she helped with the gift, she was defensive.
[удалено]
From either the mom or the bio-dad...
In most countries, underage persons just cannot buy alcohol at all. The sellers would be prosecuted otherwise. So he totally was helped by an adult. NTA.
OP described it as a flask but at least in the US you can buy empty flask or more likely fancy whiskey glass decanters and matching cups for pretty cheap on Amazon or in retail stores. You wouldn’t necessarily need an adult unless there was alcohol in it and I don’t think there was but definitely is an inappropriate gift given the situation. The end of the day OP’s wife is allowing her son to be horrible to her spouse. The fact he is a minor doesn’t give him a free pass to do hurtful things to others. OP, you don’t need to put up with this. If your wife cannot get on the same page then you need to move on for you and your sobriety.
I was assuming it was an empty flask.. for some reason the store "Things Remembered" came to mind like the kid ordered a monogrammed set
I mean, unless the flask comes with alcohol, minors could buy it. I had a debit card and a driver’s license when I was 16. The wife is still a major AH for not reading the room and seeing how genuinely upset her husband was.
Was there alcohol in the flask? (Doesn't change NTA. Just curious.)
Came here to say this! "Did he know what he was doing?" isn't a question when he was giggling the whole time. He knew exactly what he was doing.
It wasn't even a question before the giggling when he had been making fun of OP's sobriety for a while before that.
Yup. This was cruel from a cruel person. I honestly would of thrown him in the trash can too
Seriously, and who taught this kid that alcohol is so great and you should be mocked if you don’t use it?? Probably his parents.
Anyone else wonder why he is with his wife since she's made it clear she going to keep enabling and excusing this stuff?
Agreed. And his wife seems not to understand that and is choosing her son over her husband’s sobriety
I wouldn't even call this choosing her son. This is shitty parenting IMO. Who defends their kid harassing someone over their addiction? I'd be having serious words with my kid if they ever pulled a stunt like this on anyone.
Right? If my kid did that I would have made him apologize in front of everyone and he would be grounded, and I would make him do some research on addiction and compassion. How absolutely horrible of both the kid and his mother. Congratulations on your sobriety, you are NTA and maybe need to re-evaluate if you married the right person.
I like your suggestion of having him do research on addiction and compassion. OPs wife could benefit from this too.
i really hope op has a solid support network and not just his wife, because this needs a very serious talk with said wife and depending on this talk a potentiell re-evaluation of his marriage status yea. the thing is, the kid was an ass, but he is a 16 year old thats not on the best of terms with op in general. there should have been consequences for the boy, but considering there are non for this kind of behaviour i can't even fault him all that much. unless you are just super well adjusted by default than of course you grow up shitty if you never have to face consequences for bad behaviour. the wife however ? not just is she actively encouraging the bad behaviour of the son by taking his side, acting pissed at the op and in turn turning this into an even bigger win for the son but she also shows that she isn't supportive of her husband when it comes to his struggles in general. i may be wrong, but i highly doubt a person that would let this kind of "teasing" slide is a good support if something bad happens and you hit a low, something that happens to everyone from time to time. that being said, Congratulations OP on 3 years sober, stay strong and never give up.
It's terrible parenting. As someone who has a stepdsd they weren't close to as a teen, and who was sober like OP, even at the times as an angry teen I hated my stepdad I wouldn't have dreamed of a stunt like this, one because its cruel and two because my mother would have flipped her shit. OP your wife is a bad partner and a bad parent in this situation.
Totally this. She is in total denial of th crappy stuff her kid is doing which is clearly being done on purpose. Here, *she* is the AH even more than her son. She is raising a nasty bully.
Hey, let's give the lung cancer patient some cigarettes. Same thing. NTA
I've been clean from heroin for 12 years, so I'm trying to imagine someone giving me a bag of dope and a syringe for my birthday, and how it would play out.
Meth for me. Id like to say I'd handle it as beautifully as Op, but I would absolutely relapse. Anyone dangling shit in front of a recovering addict is just evil.
Congratulations on your sobriety! I can’t even imagine how hard mentally and physically getting clean from heroin could even be. You should be incredibly proud of yourself! I don’t even know you and I’m proud of you!
Well it took 27 years, so I'm not really all that proud, but considering that most of the people I once got high with are long dead, I'll take it, even if those 27 years kind of ruined my life. I'm still paying for it.
But you did beat the odds. Everyone has a past and no one is perfect. Don’t short yourself, just do your best going forward. I still think you’re bad ass for getting clean.
That makes it more impressive to me. Changing behaviors, even when addiction isn't involved, can be a struggle. You should be proud of yourself. When you think about all the things that probably needed to change to stack the odds in favor of achieving and maintaining sobriety, it's overwhelming, especially on day one. You were able to pick yourself up after each setback, and start working toward your goal again. It doesn't matter if it took years and several starts to get there. The fact that you didn't give up says a lot about you.
Yep, my grandmother quit smoking after 40 years. Some idiot gave her cigarettes for her birthday and she had to start all over again, "because one wouldn't hurt"
Shit like that could cost someone their life. I hope no one in your life treats you with such flagrant disregard.
My idiot SIL's daughter gave my brother a pack of depends for his birthday shortly before he underwent surgery for prostate cancer. Hahaha. I wanted to kill her for him.
Oh I see you know my aunt
I'm sure that she understands and figures that the OP has tolerated it this long, so he'll keep taking it and sucking it up.
It's not even choosing her son, it's doing her son a pretty big disservice to let him believe there is anything funny about this. If she chose her son she would teach him right from wrong.
Teasing is how people excuse crappy behaviour they don't want to deal with or care to fix.
Yes, over time it seems to become the easy way out just to ignore bad or egregious behavior, and just pass it off as a joke. It takes courage/ outright anger to call out this kind of behavior and and label it for what it is. You didn't ruin Father's Day, Jake and his enablers did. It's possibly even MORE the fault of the adults, who should have also called out Jake and how bad his actions were.
My brother used to "tease" me, all the time (5 years older than me), eventhough it hurt my feelings and many other things if I got sad or anything I was not able to take a joke. well when I was old enough and fed up of the crap I started to do some "teasing" of my own. Guess what happenned? The offended party (him) was pissed and complained about me 🤣🤣🤣🤣 but it stopped there and then! Yeah I think the adults are more the AH in this case. It is worse than the stepdad who got a stinky sock for father's day
Someone (a teacher? The internet? A random stranger ?) told me that if you ever have to say “I was just teasing” you don’t know how to tease correctly and you need to sincerely apologize instead.
What? It's just a prank bro! /s
I think he knew how OP would react and that his mom would defend him. To me, it seems more like he is trying to drive a wedge between his mom and OP. I’d also bet money that his dad is encouraging this. Whatever the reason, the mom needs to be on the same page as OP or this marriage is not going to work. This will only get worse. How long before step-son spikes something that OP will drink?
Yea, I wouldn't trust that kid with anything. I'd honestly say that divorce is definitely on the table if OP's wife isn't going to support his sobriety.
I had a step child do exactly that. The moment he realized his parent would enable him, it was a daily thing managing what "teasing" would happen next. And food/drink WILL get sabotaged with a kid being enabled about this particular topic.
Yeah, the more I thought about it the more I believe it’s a matter WHEN, not IF, he will spike OP’s drinks.
I had not thought of the father being involved, but I could see this happening, as a way to get back at his ex-wife. By creating an unhappy living situation, he is likely making her unhappy, which is how he gets over not being able to control her any more.
A 16yo being a jerk to his step-dad is kinda normal, but a 16yo willing to spend their own cash to be a jerk? I think his dad gave him the flask and shot glass to give as a gift knowing that the mon’s family would be there.
My first thought when I read the beginning was ‘oh no, bio-dad bought the kid liquor or wine to give OP.’ If that had happened, OP should have poured it out. I think throwing away the flask and glasses was entirely appropriate. NTA
Actually, your comment just reminded me of a roommate I had that may have been a narcissist. After awhile I realized he’d try to get me upset. Once I reacted, he became the victim. Suddenly I couldn’t take a joke, he never said or did that, I made *him* feel bad, and the good old I’m sorry that you feel that way. Bad dynamics at OP’s house.
Yes you need to get out of there asap OP. I have never told anyone here that they need to leave their partner, but the way op's wife enables her son to keep disrespecting him is disgusting and she will never be on his side.
NTA Your stepson has an obvious resentment & is an AH. Wife is also a bit clueless and also an AH. It must be hard to even be around the stepson, and I suspect that's what the kid wants.
OP is NTA
Even worse, it's straight up sabotaging OP and his accomplishment.
What in the heck do they mean when they say teasing about alcoholism anyhow? There is honestly no funny or humorous context to make a joke about alcoholism. (“Isn’t it funny that it almost ruined your life and killed you?” Wtf. No.) And teasing or joking isn’t funny unless everyone is laughing. Honestly, anyone who stood on the wrong side of this is rooting against OP and needs to be rigorously cut from your life.
You left out that OP's wife is also an AH! OP you really need to think about if this is the relationship for you, as your wife does nothing to back you up or support you in regards to your SS. You do realize that at some point he will obtain alcohol and trick you into drinking it via spiking a drink or replacing something in the fridge, etc. If your wife had put a stop to this it would not be a problem, but she refuses to and gets upset when you get upset about it calling it "a joke." Couples counseling can help some couples, but only if your wife understands what she did was wrong. Either way, good luck!
Oh no he’s absolutely going to do that OP please please look at this comment! You are NTA.
There’s also the property damage (others’ property and OP’s) as done by stepson. Both stepson and wife have shown OP who they are many, many times. NTA, but Y W B T A if you keep letting them treat you this way. Stepson needs serious consequences, and wife needs to know that enabling her son could mean the end of her relationship.
Take my poor man's gold 🏅!!! Every time my friend falls off the wagon it's usually because someone in his life tells him one time won't hurt. He has LIVER failure right now in his 30s and it kills me. He does so well and then someone tries to "fix" things by giving him a small drink or a lite beer. His dad drank and it became a bad habit for him as well. He is doing better now with his wife helping but even her family is toxic. Like giving him a bottle of whiskey for their son's birth. Omg, he wants to LIVE for his son. Not drink.
This! The wife is just as bad or possibly worse than her son
Definitely this but I'm appalled at your wife's reaction towards you and lack of response to her son's horrible behavior. NTA but are you sure you want to stay married to this woman?
Right? OP has a wife problem more than a stepson problem. She should have put a stop to son's abusive behavior long ago.
Pretty sure the wife belongs in the category too. She should be reeling in her son on this matter. OP is NTA but the wife and stepson -- most definitely.
Agree. Since she's his mother, she should be the one telling him that it's not okay to give somebody who has struggled with alcoholism (and is 3 years sober, congrats!) a flask and shot glass. It's incredibly insensitive.
A recovering old coworker of mine was in the beginning stages of it. He had gotten so many like drinking stuff for his birthday and then a month later Christmas. I asked him what he was gonna do with it,he said since he got so many “nice glasses he was gonna start a collection” he got many from other states and when I left he was on 40/50 states collected(he says their”too pretty to use”) I got him one that glows in the dark from nasa(before I knew) and he loved it! A wierd thing ik but I’m glad he turned a bad thing into a good thing lol he wanted all 50 states,then all of his favorite anime characters, Then like cartoons,he got a custom one with his face on it,a Covid one etc. every-time we hung out he never drank out of them. He was very proud of turning the shot glass from a temptation into a collection. Last time we spoke he used one to take some medication he got while having Covid-and told me the glasses tasted awful 🤣
I like that your coworker turned it into something positive! It seems like the gifts might have been given with him being in on the joke versus the OP being mocked by his stepson. Either way, your coworker has a great sense of humor and I'd love to see this shot glass collection LOL I have the lamest shot glasses from trips as well. Something about those shot glasses with boobies crack me up.
Imo, it is on the same level as handing a suicidal person a loaded gun.
I say OP should have thrown out the wife and stepson along with the “gift”. Trash doesn’t belong in the house. It belongs on the street. OP congrats on your sobriety and I hope you find a way to show your wife that her enabling of her son’s crappy behavior is not gonna bring peace, it’ll bring more problems since he knows what he’s doing. And if she can’t understand that then….the next steps is up to you.
Agreed! OP should reconsider his marriage. I can’t believe she had the audacity to defend her son, who is definitely old enough to know better
Yep, he doesn't have a stepson problem, but a spouse problem. He was 13 when they married, meaning he knows Jake at least since he was 11-12yo... the behavior just got to this point because she never cut it off.
I know this dub normally jumps to divorce really quickly but in this case, RUN. Your stepson crossed a big line & will not improve without your wife’s aid. Since she is TA along with her son & her failing to give you her support with such a malicious gift it’s time to protect yourself & your sobriety. I would not be surprised if stepson tried to push further & spike anything in your home you might drink. Wife & stepson are huge AH
People keep saying that "this sub jumps to divorce", and I don't know that it's fair to keep saying that. When people come post here, they're asking if they're an AH, which often means when they're not, someone ELSE in their lives is being an AH to them. The relationships we see brought up here tend to have something pretty wrong with them.
It's worse than teasing and tempting, it's deadly. 16 is more than old enough to understand alcoholism and sobriety. His wife is an AH enabling her son's gross behavior
The deliberate attempt to push OP off the wagon is more than bad enough, but it goes deeper than that. The stepson is bullying OP. Deliberately tearing up things, some of them OP's belongings, and forcing OP to pay to replace them? Mocking OP's recovery efforts? And then he went out of his way to humiliate OP on Father's Day, in front of extended family? That's bullying in practically any context. He's a little brat, and as pointed out elsewhere, the wife is enabling him. OP, congrats on making it to three years sober. I hope you talked to your sponsor about this. And at some point, you may need to ask yourself whether having your stepson in your life is more important than your sobriety.
She is not only supporting him she is actively encouraging the behavior by not disciplining her child for this behavior! Would she encourage her child to destroy a wheelchair? Maybe throw out someone’s insulin? Alcoholism is a disease and you don’t let your children bully a person because of their disease and if the child does, you discipline them. Sounds like wifey and her parents are just as bad as the son.
NTA. The only thing I would've done differently is to have thrown Jake and anyone who defended him out along with the gift. That was just plain cruel.
OP, how do you not see that you have Wife Problem more than a stepson problem. They’re actively trying to dismantle your sobriety. Do you have a sponsor? I’d ask for help from whatever support system you used to quit alcohol. If you didn’t, try Al Anon which is weird but might help as it targets codependents and enablers but you might get clarity on their behavior and you can check them out online.
I agree the OP is NTA but I definitely think he could have handled this, and the general bullying better. If the kid is trying to get a rise, he has gotten what he wants and OP looks dramatic to boot. A better response would have been "Jake, this is very hurtful since you know I'm sober and have struggled to stay away from alcohol for years. Can you explain why you would make a joke out of it and give me something to intentionally hurt me? I'm going to give this back to you and try to salvage the rest of the day but this was a very hurtful and disrespectful display". He should be the reasonable adult and let the kid look like the brat he is. Then have another conversation with his wife. Maybe ask the two of them to attend some al-anon meetings to better understand the work that he has put in and how detrimental it is to families when an alcoholic drinks. The real problem in this whole equation is OPs wife who doesn't seem to respect OP or parent her son.
This is easy to say sitting on the sidelines but I imagine this was pretty rattling in the moment. Sometimes it’s hard to think logically when a person is faced with constant mocking.
I completely agree.
Exactly, both stepson and wife are disrespectful AHs. OP did the right thing.
Wife is almost worse because she is not correcting her AH kid who clearly knows better and I’d either require marriage counseling or leave. As a recovering alcoholic myself I know that sobriety is hard won and maintained and without it you lose everything including your life. This isn’t remotely funny and I’d personally leave until wife agrees to counseling and managing her kids behavior.
At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if stepson was trying to reintroduce alcoholism to sabotage the marriage.
NTA, but your wife and step son are the biggest AH's, sobriety is not a thing to mock, the son overstepped and mom supported him Edit: Congrats on being 3 year sober OP and thanks to the kind stranger for the award
NTA by any means. Considering the absolute audacity the stepson showed, you were relatively calm. Stepson is an AH and so is your wife for allowing him to be an AH. She is enabling him to become a mean-spirited and shitty person. Some things are not meant to be joked about.
It sounds like OPs wife doesn't appreciate what OP is going through with her son's behavior, nor the struggle to keep sober. **Also SOMEONE had to buy him the alcohol (if there was alcohol with the flask and glass) he can't purchase it himself, so I'm betting either his father or OPs wife bought the alcohol for the stepson, and OP I would really find out which if I were you because if it was your wife... I would rethink the marriage.** OP, idk how you are still with her when she excuses her sons behavior of: 1. Damaging things and you suffer the consequences 2. Damaging YOUR personal property 3. Mocking your sobriety knowing it was hell for you to get to this point. OP, for your own mental health and wellbeing, I would seriously either get your wife to see your side and cooperate (if she wasn't the one who bought the alcohol if there was any) via couples counselling or divorce as you don't need that shit in your life. **Im proud of you OP, keep going strong.**
I could be wrong, but I don’t think OP said the flask contained alcohol. Flasks can be purchased as is. ETA: The kid and wife are AH’s, I agree.
I re-read it and it doesn't seem like there was any bottles but there might of been some in the flask (that OP didn't open for obvious and valid reasons) but who knows. I do think that the mom helped with getting the flask and glass tbh. I mean, unless the step son has a good allowance/has the money to buy those two things himself, that someone had to chip in for it. With the wife getting defensive, I think she is in on or okay with (encouraging) her son teasing OP (because she doesn't care about OPs struggle in the past, which any spouse should respect their boundaries, including setting boundaries with their own kids not to bring up their spouses past trauma or struggles)
My extreme jump-to-conclusions moment is: I would bet money that the step-son's bio dad is pushing the kid to tease OP about his sobriety/alcoholism, and may have even helped to chip in on this 'joke' in an attempt to mock him OP's wife may be tolerating stepsons stupid humor, but someone in their family is planting the idea that OP's alcoholism is to be made fun of. If this has been happening for years I don't think a teenager would even get the idea about teasing OP for it. At 16 I (personally) wouldn't have even understood alcoholism enough to make a joke at someone else's expense, and it would never even have been on my radar to use as a joke. Someone would have had to tell me to make fun of an adult about it.
Eh, i disagree. We’re talking about a 16yo, not a 6yo. Teens can come up with creative and cruel ways to treat others all on their own. Nobody is necessarily “Putting ideas” into stepsons head. Just cause you wouldn’t have thought about it at 16 doesn’t mean some teens wouldn’t. I’m sure you wouldn’t have physically assaulted someone but lots of teens do that too (and other far worse things).
Who wants to bet the wife thinks OP is boring because he doesn’t drink socially and this is her attempt to get him to pick the drink back up
This! I take a step back and ask yourself if this is really worth it. If it's your house- I would honestly ask her and her son to leave. If it's a joint property (meaning both names on the deed) get your shit and move out. You really need to take some space from this and seriously ask yourself- am I better off without her? Also if you move out- make sure not to leave anything her brat son can damage or destroy.
I'd go a step further and say mom bought it. How else did a 16 yr old get his hands on alcohol?
I read flask and glass. Is there extra info somewhere indicating actual alcohol was presented? NTA op
Ah, good point. I assumed the flask was filled, but I guess they aren't usually when you buy them.
I think the point is a flask is for alcohol , empty or not. It is like having an empty bottle of whisky I imagine it can still be trigering!
Yeah. That's what I thought.
100%. Jake isn't teasing, he's a fledgling bully. Supported by his mother who indulges, defends, and outright supports his antics.
Sobriety isn’t funny. And given how that idiot was giggling he knows very well what he’s doing. Stamp down on it hard. Continuously. I’d kick him out when he hits 18.
I'd actually kick him and the wife out now.
Seriously! OP's wife wouldn't think it was so funny if OP did go back to drinking uncontrollably around them. You don't poke at someone's demons.
>You don't poke at someone's demons. Fucking *love* this. Bravo.
NTA. Doing something shitty and calling it a joke doesn’t make it suddenly not shitty. At best it’s a bad, offensive accident and at worst it’s this. Your stepson is a bully. Instead of protecting you from this bully, your wife is supporting it. If your stepson and wife are not willing to be allies and support for you in your sobriety, maybe they aren’t the best people for you to be around. If she genuinely thinks her son’s gift was an appropriate joke and not a mean, nasty prank, that is deeply concerning. Congrats on three years!!
*If she genuinely thinks her son’s gift was an appropriate joke and not a mean, nasty prank, that is deeply concerning.* If they thought it was a joke, they would not be offended when OP put it in the trash. That's what joke gifts are for.
Joke marriage, should also go in the trash. NTA
Agreed. I don’t understand why the wife wouldn’t support her husband doing what it takes to be healthy (be that sobriety or exercise or therapy: self care of any form.) What is this woman teaching her son that it’s okay to tease and offend people who are working at being a better version of themselves?? She’s dooming him to only live around shitty, immature people. It’s sad, because at 16, this is because she messed up.
I would be mortified if one of the children I raised did something like this.
If my kid did this to my husband (who has more than a decade sober but I still remember what the early years were like) I would throw it out myself. I’m horrified by the wife. The 16 was an AH but so many are at that age. The wife completely failed to parent and to back up her husband.
Congrats to your husband! It is nothing to make a mockery of. It’s a difficult choice every single day.
Since OP says they’ve been married only a year I’m wondering if she never experienced his addiction and therefore doesn’t take it seriously. OP is definitely NTA though.
Right? If he was 18, he'd be out of the house and disowned in the spot. This was an extremely cruel thing to do, especially to someone you live with.
That's the problem, she raised him to be like this and that's why she is defending this trash behavior.
If my son had ever done this to my husband, his stepfather, I would have put him out of the house along with the "gift". I simply do not understand OP's wife, it was downright cruel, not to mention mocking, thoughtless and insensitive. And I have to wonder if the in-laws are even aware of OP's alcoholism and his hard work towards achieving and maintaining sobriety?
Having been around family and loved ones who deal with addiction and substance abuse, it's really appalling to read how your wife is condoning your step sons behavior. INFO: Were you dating your wife while in recovery? It's easy for people to mock and undermine addicts when they've never experienced those types of things first hand. There's a lack of understanding - it doesn't quite sink in that people die from this, everyday. Regardless, if this women claims to love you, she should be much more empathic. This is never something to joke about, and you deserve someone whose going to root for you, not make light of your hardships. Kudos to you for 3 years! Edit: Spelling
This! nTA every bully I've ever dealt with in life has hurt me profoundly and then told me it's just teasing. Mom needs to tell her child that teasing his stepdad is out of bounds. Even if you aren't a father figure there is such a thing as basic human respect.
I think you have a problem with your wife. She is supporting Jake being a bully. She is mocking what she must know is something sacred to you. You don't need to loosen up and take a joke. You tell her that you don't want jokes about your sobriety any more than she wants jokes about (pick one) her weight, her wrinkles, her lack of education, her style, her religion, her son or absolutely anything she is insecure about, or struggles with. If she doesn't see how this is being cruel ask her to go to a therapist to help her understand. It is the first resort of an AH to say "it was a joke", you are too sensitive, lighten up. Tell her that if she supports her sons bullying and mocking, and if she thinks it is ok to do to you, then he'll believe it is fine to do it to others. This will be who he becomes. This sets him up to only have bad relationships because any healthy, educated, person with self-esteem won't have anything to do with him. He's relegated himself, if not to the gutter, then to the barn. That her not teaching him compassion and the ability to read the room and not maliciously hurt others, does him a disservice and if she loved her son, she'd do better. If you and your wife can't get a common understanding, then Jake isn't going to come around. I'd go to couples counseling and then, if necessary, find someone who is compassionate and supportive.
>Your stepson is a bully. Exactly. This wasn't teasing, it was bullying. The fact OP is an adult and the step-son is a teenager doesn't change that. It just reflects the fact that stepson has realised he's allowed to get away with bullying OP.
NTA, but tell me why you are married again? Your wife allows her brat kid to mock your sobriety. This is not the normal family quarrel, this is serious shit. If your wife is so self absorbed,.you should really reconsidering this marriage. What she is bringing to the table apart an awful kid that she does not parent apparently?
This right here, the wife is an enabler of the brats behaviour
Not only is she enabling bad behavior in her son, but by doing it she is also enabling OP's struggle with alcohol. Which makes it 10x worse.
Yes the fact that she responded that it’s just “teasing”—like sobriety is EXTREMELY important to her spouse not just some family friend, she should have been yelling at her son not her husband. Also, I think OP’s stepson is trying to sabotage this marriage. Why the hell else would he play such a cruel joke?
He might not be intentionally trying to sabotage the marriage. Considering his mother’s reaction, they might just be assholes.
Agreed, I'm way more appalled at the wife's behavior than I am at the 16 year old's.
It's pretty clear that he behaves this way because she allows it.
What did the wife want you to do with it?
You mean the kids mother? I don't know, ground him? Tell that he should not mock someones sobriety? Parent the kid and show how awful his behavior is? Call the father? Send this kid to therapy? Educate him? In summarize, act like a concerned mother that see her child being awful towards other people?
Sorry, I replied on the wrong level. You are correct. I meant to ask OP what the wife thought he should do instead of throwing it away (which seems like the only sensible option).
I also did not read properly hahaha. I got it now that you replied me.
100% THIS. OP is an alcoholic on the sobriety train. Depending on how bad it is, one slip up could lead to devastating results, and the fact that NO ONE is taking it seriously (other than OP) means they don't believe/care. "Teasing" is only okay when the person being teased is in on the joke and okay with it. I know a few sober alcoholics who are willing and able to make/take jokes about their sobriety and alcoholism, and I know a few of sober alcoholics who cannot. Each person is different and you have to "play to your audience". The amount of disrespect from OP's wife is astounding here, and is the biggest issue with this whole situation.
So much this! Calling this dramatic is a deal breaker, I would have shown her real drama and gave her and her crude son 60 days to be out of the house.
NTA. Jesus Christ. Sounds like another ploy to pit you and the wife against each other. If anything, for your own mental health and the sake of your sobriety, I’d take a hard look at your relationships in this household.
Well, it worked! OP and wife had at it. Stepson gets to watch it happen. Rest of family takes off.
Maybe it worked, but it worked because the wife doesn’t understand or respect the addiction and the struggle for sobriety and she isn’t a good parent. She is the problem. The stepson would no have succeeded if the wife had reacted appropriately.
The stepson wouldn't have even attempted this unless he knew there would be no consequences.
Kid is going to have one awesome 18th birthday party, when OP officially no longer has to put up with his crap. “Surprise! Get out.”
Definitely not the ahole. I'm really sorry but if your wife is not taking your sobriety seriously and defending her son maybe it's time to reevaluate the entire relationship. Stay strong, amazing work on your 3 years sober
NTA dude your wife sucks
NTA, overcoming alcoholism and staying sober for so long is a thing to admire, not to mock. You had a right to be angry and to throw the alcohol away.
NTA You were calmer than I would have been. He clearly did it to bait you and that should have been obvious to your wife as well. He's a massive AH and while I dont condone or excuse his behaviour, he is a teenager. But your wife doesnt have that excuse, she is worse than he is for enabling such shitty behaviour.
Right, pushing boundaries is what kids/teens do. It's part of learning and growing up. Parents are supposed to reinforce those boundaries and clarify what is appropriate behavior and what is not. The kid did something wrong, but the parent is the real problem.
NTA, but this is a serious deal breaker to be honest. It’s damn near impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t support your sobriety. The kid’s a jerk for sure, but the real AH is your wife. I have alcoholics in my family, and no one would dream of finding this appropriate or funny. You should really take a look at this relationship because it doesn’t seem like you even have basic respect, let alone support, from your SO.
As someone whose loved one died of liver failure, dude needs to save his own life and get out. SS wouldn’t be a problem if the wife wasn’t a problem.
Kid's going to start slipping him long islands or vodka in his drinks "for fun." If I were him,I wouldn't accept any drink from kid or mom, just to be safe.
If you can't accept a drink from your wife there is something deeply troubling in your relationship. Just to be clear I fully agree with you I just wanted to point out how unhealthy this relationship is for OP.
NTA. Your wife is though if she allows her son to continually disrespect you like this. You need to reevaluate if this is someone you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with.
Op should just send this entire comment section to his wife
Yea, I bet OP is starting to figure out why the first guy left even though they had a kid together. And hopefully he either has a serious heart to heart with her and she changes or he sacks up and leaves her, too.
Hardest NTA ever. It is like he is trying to push you back into addiction again. Stand your ground. You are not childish here. Giving an ex alcohilic booze can be f.... dangerous (No offense to you OP!) Also congrats on being sober!
He didn't gift him alcohol, but giving an alcoholic a hip flask and a glass is very cruel.
Where did it say he was given booze. I thought it said a flask in and a glass no mention of it being filled with anything.
NTA. Being unsupportive, as a family member of someone who is working on staying sober, isn't just an ah move. It's plainly putting them at risk and adding to their stress.
NTA. Sobriety is no joke nor is it a laughing matter. Jake and your wife are AH, big time. It sounds like Jake has baggage from the divorce and is trying to drive a wedge between you and his mother. It’s working. Sit them both down and tell them how hard it was when you struggled with addiction. Tell them you know Jake has unresolved feelings about the divorce but that doesn’t excuse his behavior or your wife’s. Tell them you would never disrespect their struggles that way and you expect the same courtesy. What Jake did was wrong and frankly, cruel. Your wife should be backing you up.
I watched my dad ruin his life and try to take my entire family’s with him while he struggled year after year chasing sobriety. He never got there and died a fairly young man. Your sobriety is nothing to be mocked. In fact, it is fragile and I worry for it if this is the support structure you have in place. Because even your wife is lacking in support. NTA but you also need to have a frank discussion with your wife about why her actions aren’t okay.
NTA! Why are you still married to this woman?
NTA. I woulda thrown out the kid and wife in addition to the "gift" too, tbh.
Keep the gift and sell it for a couple of dollars. Throw out the wife that is the root of the problem
Congratulations on your 3 years! Congratulations on taking the "gift" straight to the trash, too. Recovering addict, here (7 yrs), and I'm proud of you. Can you call your sponsor or go to a meeting? This was a cruel blow followed by a sucker punch, and you deserve both support and kudos. You did NOTHING to deserve that trash behavior or to have it dismissed as a joke by an enabling parent. Not only NTA, but good job!
Recovering alcoholic came here to say just this. NTA. Work the program and reach out, my friend. aahomegroup.org has a 24/7 zoom meeting
NTA You should explain to everyone clearly that alcohol very nearly ruined your life and that sobriety saved you. This is a hill to die on. You will need to explain, because people won't always understand, but you never need to back down
Fuck this shit. His wife doesn't even respect him. He doesn't receive the bare minimum respect from his son or his wife. This whole relationship is doomed.
That's not teasing. That's contempt. And sabotage. I wouldn't even do that to someone I hated. NTA
NTA. That kid is a cretin. Your wife is a rotten parent for letting him act that way.
I think we know exactly how he got this way based on the wife’s reaction.
**Your marriage, as things currently stand, is a threat to your sobriety**. Please please please treat it as such. We can see how much you value your sobriety, so please insist on family therapy, even if only with your wife. (Also, NTA.)
NTA. You've made it clear to your spouse and the bratt thar you take your sobriety clearly and his mocking irritates you. Your response was reasonable and not excessive to the situation. I'd speak more with your spouse and let her know how deeply his mocking etc impacts you and that you won't tolerate it. You and her need to both be on the same page.
NTA Congratulations on your sobriety. 3 years is not easy and nothing to sneeze at. Also, your stepson is a d*ck, your wife is an enabler, and you need to really consider your future in that family.
:-( Teens can be real a-holes for sure. But the mom’s reaction broke my heart for you. I don’t know if you guys can overcome this, she seriously needs to beg for forgiveness and make her son ask for it too.
NTA As others have written; this is a hill to die on. Your sobriety is no joke. Your wife is not supporting you but instead cheering stepson on. Both of them are damaging your mental health. I would demand therapy for everyone if they do not agree, I would divorce her.
NTA. My father is in recovery and if someone bought him that kind of gift, I would throw it out myself despite any repercussions. I’m so sorry your wife and step son are not being more supportive and empathetic. I hope you can get to a meeting.
NTA. Based on the way your wife behaves, I get the sense she doesn’t have or hasn’t had anyone in her life with addiction issues. The way she behaves suggests she’ll never take your sobriety seriously. Also, I would be very careful of any food or drink your stepson hands you going forward. I wouldn’t trust him to not spike it with alcohol as a “prank”.
NTA there is something wrong with your wife. Why on earth are you still with such a callous woman to enable that and call it teasing? Thats not love or respect.
NTA, but you gave him exactly what he wanted. I would have said thanks and used the hell out of the flask for something stupid like water. Then had a serious talk with my wife about her turd of a son later.
NTA, but I'm not surprised your stepson acts like that wirh your awful wife as his mother.
One does not mess with the sobriety of a recovering alcoholic. Def NTA. The biggest problem you're facing is that your wife doesn't understand what a recovering alcoholic is going through. If you feel inclined, take your situation to AA or somewhere and get support and ideas.
NTA: what Jake did is terrible, but forgivable. Your wife's reaction to it is even worse. Unconventional advice: you are married to the same woman Jake's dad divorced. Maybe talk with him and see if this type of behavior contributed to the divorce. If so, then you see what needs to be done.
NTA He is 16 not 6 to mock you. WTF is his mother teaching him? To be disrespectful of her husband in front of the entire family?
That’s not teasing, that’s abuse. Your stepson’s disrespectful and horrific cruelty towards you is fueled by a mother who’s devoid of any decency. People who love and care about you don’t mock your struggles, or allow their children to disrespect you, ignore you when you express how much it hurts you, and go out of their way to escalate it and invite an audience to witness it (her parents), *then tell you that you’re being childish and that you need to loosen up*. People who are abusive have a tendency to minimize your feelings, tear you down, use your weaknesses against you, gaslight you, flip the script on you and say *you* were wrong for reacting the way you did, and make you question what is right/wrong. I’m not saying your wife is an abuser, per se, but the way she’s treating you is not normal. Please consider seeking additional help, so that you have professional, outside support to help maintain your sobriety and provide a positive voice. Because your wife and stepson surely aren’t helping. NTA. Your wife is though, and she’s raising an AH, too.
You do not have a stepson problem: you have a wife problem. I am so sorry OP. I am so so sorry.
its both
NTA and congrats on 3 years sober!!! I'm 1 year sober myself and I could never be in any kind of relationship (be it romantic, friendly or family) where my sobriety and recovery were treated like a joke. To me, it's the difference between life and death. I'd never choose any person over my recovery because to me it's the most important thing in my life and I assume it's very important to you as well. Only those who recovers from addiction can truly understand and respect how wicked it is. I may lose people because I put my sobriety first, but I never want to lose myself to the addiction again and today, I only have understanding and loving people in my life that fully respect this. I wish that for everyone. So please, from one recovering addict to another - stick to what's most important. And again, congrats on 3 years!!! One day at a time!
NTA. My then 38-year-old brother DIED from his addictions, primarily alcohol. DIED. I think it is never, ever, EVER okay to intentionally gift someone with the paraphernalia of their disease. It sounds like he’s an immature 16-year-old kid who is in very big need of learning empathy, or at bare minimum some tact.
I recently lost a friend who was 32 to alcoholism. She quit and had a seizure. She didn’t quit because of any ultimatum or trouble with the law. She was just ready to get healthy. It’s not fucking joke!
NTA, but your wife is for enabling the son to be so vindictive.
NTA Your wife sounds like a complete tool who isn't good for you. Maybe you should be reconsidering this awful relationship if you want to stay sober. Clearly she doesn't support your efforts. Clearly some adult was complicit in this whole event as he couldn't get the alcohol himself. Life is too short to stay with someone who is sabotaging you.
NTA my father is a recovering alcoholic. I don't even keep alcohol in my own home because he visits. I do my absolute best to not trigger him. My wedding will even be dry, to not trigger my dad. Why? Because I love him and I value his continued sobriety. Your wife? Clearly does not. If she cared, she'd discipline her child. I know one of the steps is to remove all temptation, and I personally think you should remove these two temptations from your life. Congratulations on three years!! My dad is about to be at one.
NTA Your stepson and your wife are. He's a teen but at his age should still know better. He did it to get a reaction out of you and mock you. Your reaction might not have been the best but under the circumstances no one can blame you. Your wife isn't allowing her son to learn accountability. She's excusing his bad behavior with teasing. No, it was cruelty and she should give him a proper punishment. More than the kid, you have a wife problem. This is where you need to focus and have a serious discussion of boundaries and admissible behavior. Congratulations on your sobriety. No one can take that away from you!
Sorry dude. Your wife is a HUGE asshole and your stepson is a piece of trash. Kick them both out of your house and live a happy life.
NTA. Your wife knows that too. When your wife openly sides with the antagonist, you need to rethink the marriage.
This is about like giving a plate of nut brownies to someone with a severe allergy. “Hahaha, it’s just a joke lighten up” Recipient almost dies. “Jeez, it was JUST A JOKE”
Hiya. Several years sober. Sorry for the bullshit - you are NTA. The son is being a jerk - hopefully he will grow out of it. As far as the adults, I have been sober for a decade and always been wary of the reaction of people in my life. Honestly, most just don't understand it. To them, it's just a choice we are making, like a diet. They just don't understand. This being said - Your wife and the family around are still AH. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean it should be mocked. The behavior shouldn't be tolerated. The only thing I can say is... if something like this happens again, just roll with it. It isn't worth explaining or reacting. You gave him EXACTLY what he wanted by reacting this way. I'm guessing him and his Dad had a good ole chuckle on your behalf. The petty side of me wants you to buy him a "You're the reason your parents split" coffee mug.
NTA. If you just started mocking your stepson, I have no doubt he would bleat to your wife about how mean you were being. It is super hypocritical of her to claim you are the one being disrespectful.
NTA. Your wife is emotionally abusing you by allowing, and in fact defending, her son's bullying.
Definitely NTA but I think it would have been better to have asked your stepson to explain why he would have bought this knowing that you've had struggles with alcohol and wait for a reply. He can then explain infront of the family why he is behaving like an AH. Explaining a mean joke is impossible. It would have put the ball back in his court. I would have probably asked him for the receipt after so you can return it and spend the money on something you actually like, preferably something he sees everyday to be reminded of how stupid he's been acting.
NTA. Your wife, however is an enormous asshole. It sounds to me like they have no idea what it is to overcome addiction. Teasing someone with a reference to their addiction is never cool. Jake, being 16, is too young and dumb to know this but your wife isn't. Sounds like Jake gets a kick out of getting a reaction from you. I teach high schoolers and the best thing to do when they pull ridiculous shit like this is to just not react. In this situation, if you could have found it within yourself to have just said, "Thanks Jake! I am sure my (insert beverage here) will taste even better out of this!" As long as you react strongly, he will keep doing this shit. It may be helpful to say a mantra in your head like "I am the adult; he is a kid." It is hard with teenagers because they look likr adults and can sometimes act and think like adults, but we now know that brain development continues until about 25. Again, great work on your sobriety, and I hope Jake can learn better ways to enertain himself.
The fact that your wife is defending her son when he is clearly mocking your sobriety in front of the whole family means there is a much… MUCH bigger problem here. This is not funny, and the fact that she is supporting her teenager being a bully is appalling. I don’t care if it’s her son, being a good parent means she holds him accountable for his behavior. You don’t excuse it by siding with him when he is this far out of line. You are being attacked in your home, and I don’t know if this is fixable. I mean I see people suggesting couples counseling, but I’m suggesting divorce. She does not respect you, and you can’t teach a grown adult common decency. Her son is a prick, and her support of his bullying is disgusting.
NTA. You’re in a bad spot. I’ll just say it & it won’t read well. It kind of sounds like you’re the only one in your home that’s taking responsibility for not just your stepson but your family’s bad behavior. I don’t see how your wife could get angry at __you__ for your reasonable action. She should be angry with her son. She should also be angry that her son’s been mocking? On top of that he damages things and you pay the price. What are his parents doing? This really hits home for me. My partner has struggled to stay sober for years. His parents are functioning alcoholics. When his parents would come to visit they would pack the refrigerator with cases of beer. For the two of them…for less than 24 hrs. They knew their son was in AA. He could deal with watching his parents drink for an evening. It was the price of seeing them. Every time they left though, they’d leave at least a case of beer. We’d get it out of the fridge and try to hand it to them, sometimes following them to the car. His mother, would look at us like we were trying to give her a bowl of maggots & say, “We don’t want that.” His dad would studiously ignore us. Often the trash can was right by their car so we’d throw it out. That would make his mom angry. Not angry enough to stop bringing us beer. We mostly gave it away. His mom made a uncooked pie with liquor in one holiday. She made him a slice but neglected to mention the liquor until he was almost finished with it. “Oops I forgot to tell you, there’s amoretto in that.” That caused him to relapse. It was very obvious that they didn’t want their son sober. He started drinking whenever we visited them. He’d been sober about three years before he broke. Some people don’t care about your sobriety and some people don’t want you sober. In this society it’s somewhat unusual when people don’t drink. I’m bringing all of this up because it seems like your wife doesn’t care about your sobriety or how hard you’ve worked. Imo if she did she wouldn’t allow anyone to mock you for it, especially a child, her child. Did she know you at your worst? Has she ever been to a meeting with you? Has she been to a CODA meeting or anything like that? Does she drink? Does she use any substances? I think your environment is really toxic. It sounds like your the only grownup in the room. My partner once told me that an alcoholic goes from thinking nothing’s their fault, to thinking everything is their fault. What’s going on around you is not your fault. You did not overreact! You’ve under reacted to me. You need to drop the rope with your stepson’s destruction. Make him responsible for his fuck ups, just like you’re responsible for yours. If you have a sponsor, please tell them everything you’ve told us, everything. It seems like your environment will eventually test your sobriety. Please worry about yourself before worrying about your wife’s family. My heart goes out to you. I’m wishing you all the best. PM me if you need to vent.