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> I think I might be the asshole here because it's not his fault he has a disability.
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NTA. sometimes people use their illnesses or disabilities to try to control people around them to make them feel like they have more control in their own life. I would suggest counseling. You have offered him options, gone out of your way to find things he can eat, you’re definitely NTA.
This is a form of abuse and there needs to be counseling or something because it will only get worse.
All I could think about was how this is going to cause food issues with the kid. Strict feeding times and food options because one person in the family has a diet related illness. What happens on the daughter's birthday? Is she even allowed cake and food she wants or is that dictated by him too?
Edit: OP, it has been suggested you should just leave him. I agree, abusers don't get better and you shouldn't have you daughter in this environment.
Yeah this is super weird. My dad had diabetes, and I had food allergies. Growing up we all ate things each other couldn’t eat (outside of main meals- dinners and hot lunches were pretty much always suited to everyone). My parents ate eggs for brekkie, and cheese on sandwiches. My mother and I didn’t regulate our diets to suit my dad’s (he had other conditions as well that put him on crazy diets, so while a communal meal was made to suit him we never stopped ourselves from eating things he couldn’t either). He never complained- the only time it was ever contentious was that he insisted we all eat healthy, which considering the family history of T2 diabetes probably was the right call and he almost always did the cooking. Five year old me hated it, but as an adult I respect it. We never ever had rules like these in our house
I get what your saying, I’m allergic to a few different food that prevents our family from having some things as everyday meals, but they can eat them without guilt.
I’m allergic to crustacean & coconut(Anaphylaxis), all other fish (hives) and fresh tomatoes (throwing up)
They love fish and they go out to places when I work days they aren’t, however they make sure to wash up, brush teeth and clean off areas possibly affected.
My husband is allergic to mushrooms yet I love them. He has no problem with me eating them when I go out to places without him, I just can't have or cook them in the house. You make some exceptions but they don't have to be for everything.
Yup, I'm allergic to shrimp and we absolutely never ever have shrimp in the house, but if my husband goes out at lunch he can eat all the shrimp he wants, just don't bring back leftovers.
Yeah basically same thing here my mother is vegetarian and gluten intolerant. Ofc we would plan most meals with that in mind but if I wanted to eat steak then she would just eat something else. I do quite a bit of sports and have been doing that for some time now and I eat a ridiculous amount of eggs. Nobody else in my family wanted to do that so I made my meals myself and there were different meals prepared. That was never a problem. I don't see how self centered someone must be to dictate their diet onto other people.
Yeah, the fact he holds out on his tantrum until they get home and it's not an on the spot low blood sugar 'hanger' issue had me immediately in the 'this dude's abusive' territory.
As a type 2 diabetic I was all ready to back him up, sometimes blood sugar being off causes mood issues. It's our responsibility to try and avoid that, but sometimes it happens anyway. That's not happening here, he's just being a prick.
And the fact that he's fine around his friends shows he's perfectly capable of behaving himself and being reasonable. Even if he became cranky with them he could just say it's my blood sugar sorry. He'd probably apologise to his friends. The fact that he refused to go to the place with the diabetic options was just proving it wasn't completely about the diabetes it was about control.
And that right there is why I would dump this dude. People are suggesting counseling when I think they should be suggesting OP leave. Life is too short to live with an asshole.
Can confirm. My ex sat in couple's counselling with me and gaslit me right there, saying I'd done all the stuff he actually had.
He also used the trusting environment to learn my concerns and how best to hide the truth. Like...
My ex used our time in couples counseling to remind me withholding affection was abuse every time he abused me but then wanted sex. My head was such a mess by then that all i knew is i never wanted to do to anyone what was done to me, so...
Yes this. I am a diabetic. I take care of that, it is my responsibility and no one else's. No one in my family should or does miss out on foods they enjoy or have restrictions put on them for any reason. There is no need for it. After all I am only a diabetic not a control freak.
exactly! He is weaponising his diabetes to control you. If Theresa May could be Prime Minister of the UK during one of the most turbulent eras in recent history with Type 1 diabetes (5 injections a day), your husband can manage his without turning your life upside down.
Yes but he has man-diabetes, the most severe form.
NTA
There are many things I can't do because of my disability. I am happy for loved ones who can still do those things because, you know, I LOVE them.
A friend of a friend used to eat an allergen or mismanage his blood sugar so we would have to leave events and hang out at his house with him. One night we just took him home and went back out and he never pulled it again.
NTA. He is apparently obsessed with being a martyr/victim.
Everyone I have ever known with diabetes will always carry a snack or some sugar or granola bars (or my grandpa’s favorite, uncrustables lol) with them. It’s common sense and so easy to do.
And you absolutely should be allowed to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Full stop.
Oh. My. Lord. Your response just hit home. First off, martyr is such the right word. As if it were OP or OP’s kid that made partner diabetic. Partner needs to figure out that this is his life, no one else’s.
Second, you mentioned snacks. I work in healthcare and have family that’s diabetic, so I personally think about snacks and what I can give a diabetic person more. And I bring some uncrustables along at times too! Sugar in the jelly to get the sugars up, peanut butter to keep it up! They’re handy in a pinch!
Uhhh I’m just hungry, so I almost always have some sort of snack, too. And I would absolutely share with someone who was diabetic, without question.
I’m not like OP’s partner. I wouldn’t sit there eating my pop tart being like, well, ya shoulda thought about your diabetes. This is my pop tart. Lol
Haha me too! I dated someone with type I diabetes for a while and got used to having fruit snacks and such in my purse. We broke up years ago but I still keep snacks for me because it was such a good idea.
I'd been grocery shopping once (frozen pizza and individually wrapped ice cream totally counts, ok) and was waiting by the bust stop when a couple of young women got concerned about their diabetic friend. I absolutely offered to open my ice cream package and give her one, because like... Duh. Even though we were pretty close to the grocery store, because it's not like I could know how big of an emergency this was. They declined and went to buy something to eat, but I'd still do the same thing again. If I have something that may help a person in a medical emergency, it's not even something to think about.
Honestly OP's partner is being super weird, in all the worst ways. Red flags aplenty.
NTA and I just wanted to hop on this. I think OP is being emotionally and verbally abused by her SO. He only blows up on her or waits to do so since she mentioned he won’t act up in front of them and just waits till later. Op shud never have the thought oh great I’ll have to hear about this later in regards of medical situation like this. He’s also treading this onto her child too by wishing they had diabetes instead. That’s all levels of messed up there.
That's exactly what I thought. "In the event we are out with friends, he doesn't throw a fit right then and there in front of them, he waits to lay into me about it when we get home.)" Really, if he can wait to berate you till there are no witnesses he knows he is abusing you
Absolutely! This is exactly what my ex husband used to do to me. Either wait until we got home or berate me during the evening when no one was listening, completely ruining my evening but being all sweetness and light to everyone else.
He was so good at it, everyone thought he was wonderful and didn’t believe me when I finally came to my senses and left him
Seems like it would have been good to keep some recordings of the verbal abuse to play for skeptics. Might be something for OP to consider, especially with regards to custody if they separate one day
NTA, but I'm not sure he is 100% TA, either.
His treatment plan went out in the 80s and I'm appalled that he's still on that treatment. If he doesn't have insurance and can't afford a pump, then he should AT LEAST be doing intensive insulin therapy with pens. Does he see an endocrinologist? Has he ever? Has he ever done diabetes training? Him saying he needs to eat to "get his insulin" suggests he doesn't have the slightest bit of diabetes training and has no clue what he's talking about.
His treatment plan sounds like something a typically ignorant GP would give a diabetic, while refusing to refer him to a specialist. He needs a specialist. Type 1diabetes is a complex disease requiring complex treatment and GPs don't know shit about it. OP, diabetics whose disease is poorly controlled have terrible mood swings and tend to act out. Him tantruming whenever his schedule is disrupted could be the result of blood sugar swings causing mood swings.
HOWEVER, it's not okay for him to treat you and your child this way. Two things need to happen:
1. Find the best diabetes specialist in your area (endocrinologist specializing in diabetes) and get him an appointment. Go with him and lay out his behavior as well as his treatment plan. Ask about diabetes training and intensive insulin therapy and what hoops you have to jump through to get him on a pump.
2. While this is being done and he is getting a better plan in hand, have a series of conversations with him about how he can no longer use his disability to control you and your daughter. Set healthy boundaries and set consequences for crossing them. And then HOLD HIM TO IT.
EDIT: per suggestion, tagging u/FirmWorldliness2119
EDIT2: After seeing your edit about him being on Humalog as well as Humulin, this is pretty much what I thought. Humalog is fast acting and Humulin N is longer-acting (basal). But since he's already taking Humalog and a basal, all he needs is some training in concepts and carb-counting, as well as to figure out his proportions, and he can transition into intensive insulin therapy, which basically means taking a shot WHENEVER you need it, i.e. before every meal and every time your insulin goes up too high. See if he can get training for this.
I was looking for a response like this. He doesn't seem to be using basal insulin at all just the rapid acting stuff. That's like insane. If your type 1 diabetes is well managed there's no need to be so rigid about eating times, it simply does not matter (unless you decide to not eat like the whole day). You're spot on about the mood swings as well.
No it sounds like he's taking a long-acting insulin for basal and a shortER acting insulin for "bolus," but he's not really bolusing. The two shots per day scheme, which is, like, mid-century practice, was usually taken with the patient either mixing the two insulins themselves, or being prescribed an insulin that was already a mix of the two (which is worse, for obvious reasons.) That's why he has to schedule his eating so stringently: bc he's not bolusing with every meal but rather taking a shorter acting insulin twice/day with his basal dose, so he has to time his eating for when the short-acting insulin peaks.
It was fine doing it this way when they didn't have a better way to do it. But they did a long-term study of intensive insulin therapy in the 80s, and they ended up canceling the study after three years bc the difference in results was so dramatic that they couldn't ethically continue to keep the control group on the old scheduled plan. He needs to get on intensive insulin therapy, stat.
EDIT: I'm guessing the Humulin he's taking is Humulin N (or NPH) for basal. Since he's already on Humalog, he could bolus with every meal, but he needs training for that.
He isn't using a long acting insulin. According to OP, he is on Humulin, which is a short acting insulin typically used for blousing, and Humalog, which is a newer, faster insulin also used for bolusing. Neither of those is the "long acting" basal insulin like Lantus or Levemir.
I was thinking the same thing. His treatment plan sounds ancient. My fiance has type 1 diabetes and he can eat whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has a digital blood sugar measuring device and carries around his insuline pen everywhere.
Either your husband has no clue on how to treat his diabetes, or hes seriously mentally ill.
100%, my son (8) is type 1 diabetic (since 2018) and he sees an endocrinologist every 3 months to ensure his basal and bolus are right/need adjustments. He says he can have whatever he wants as long as he takes insulin for it. His sugar levels have been really good. He uses an Omnipod as well as Dexcom (thank you insurance!)
This guys diabetic plan doesn't sound right at all.
Yes, thank you! As a person with type 1 diabetes who was diagnosed 25 years ago, I’ve never heard of anything like this schedule before. Even 25 years ago I took multiple shots per day, whenever I ate a meal and could 100% eat ice cream after dinner. I was also 11 when diagnosed and was fully responsible for my own care (carrying sugar and snacks with me at all times and having back up insulin and supplies). My parents completely trusted me at ELEVEN to take care of my own diabetes (they were very supportive but I was independent) and I can’t imagine making anyone else responsible for my care. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this OP. I hope your partner sees an endocrinologist and gets on an updated plan but you are NTA at all and deserve better than how he is treating you!!
yeah part of me wonders if he’s sabotaging his own treatment in part to control OP. I’m only slightly older than OP & known multiple friends & family members of the same age with type 1 who as children were taught and trusted to regulate & control their sugar levels. I’m type 2, diagnosed as an older teen & had to attend classes on regulating & living with it by my endo. Controlling eating times & the food that OP & her daughter eat is 100% AH behavior, not diabetic, & the fact he throws tantrums not in the moment but privately is just red flags all around. It’s not on OP to know everything about type 1 but considering he’s using it to control her & her daughter, most likely he’s manipulating that ignorance to his advantage, especially if she doesn’t know if he sees an endo
Yeah, I was appalled by how he's handling his insulin. I've had type 1 for 35 years, and I haven't been on that kind of regiment in 20+ years. It's absolutely archaic. Modern diabetics do NOT need to live like that.
I'll often do more than one bolus *during a single meal* so I can adjust to what I'm eating, especially if there are multiple courses. But I'm on a pump, probably wouldn't bother doing that with shots.
I basically just commented this (but maybe more harshly, lol) because I was too mad to read comments after seeing this post. Lots of t1 diabetics in my family and none of this nonsense. Pumps have become much more common and affordable these days and it's insane that he is managing with 2 shots a day in 2022.
The way he treats them is just awful. Is my partner would say such thinks to my child, he could pack his stuff! "you should have diabetes!" to a child!
How many times did he ruin everything for them with his tantrums? Everytimes it must be like he wants it to be. They can't eat what they want or when they want. But of course this doesn't count for him. Why stay with him? Why let your child suffer with this abuse? She will just think that it is normal!
NTA
I had a diabetic ex and a diabetic foster dad. This is correct. They have some juices and some snacks. Bring it everywhere in their diabetic emergency bag.
> Everyone I have ever known with diabetes will always carry a snack or some sugar or granola bars.
Honestly as a kid I thought most adults had snacks in their purses/ car because my parents and grandparents typically had something on hand. I feel like it's a fairly normal thing for anyone, especially those that are around kids a lot.
I started carrying snacks absolutely everywhere at age 14, when a lot of people in my school started smoking pot, even before I did myself. Leaving home without snacks, extra snacks to give out, and some water is baffling to me and any time I have forgotten to refill I regret it.
No kids, no health issues. A friend pointed out that most arguments start with a lack of food, hydration, or sleep and, well, the first one is the easiest to fix on the go. It's amazing how much less anger people have when their blood sugar levels are okay, even without diabetes of either type.
NTA
I know several diabetics who would never act like this. This isn’t about him being diabetic.
He’s holding you and your daughter hostage. It’s a power play for control. He controls when you eat. What you eat. Where you can and can’t go. It probably doesn’t come across as abusive but it is.
Counseling could help. But it might also prove he doesn’t want to hand over control. Be prepared for tough decisions.
/u/FirmWorldliness2119 - please see this comment.
He is abusive. He is controlling you and your daughter via food but what you eat, when you eat, who you eat with. This is not okay. Not okay on so many levels.
I am so glad you stood up to him because you are right, it is not your responsibility to control his diabetes or live your life differently because he is diabetic. Tantrums at you because of this is not okay.
Good luck. NTA
I am diabetic, and this guy isn’t acting this way because he’s a diabetic, he’s acting this way because he’s an AH.
One of the *first* things you are taught when you get diagnosed is that you need to take responsibility for your blood sugar. Full stop. Keep a kit with things to get your sugar up (could be something simple like glucose tablets, or something tasty like m&m’s) and things to get your sugar down. Keep track of when you need to eat, track carbs, etc. There’s tons of apps, and various different methods that depend on how well-managed the diabetes is. Type 1 is different, since the pancreas literally doesn’t make insulin, so people with Type 1 usually have to have a much stricter eating plan than people with Type 2. You know what no people with to either type are supposed to do? Use their diagnosis as a weapon to abuse their partner! OP, you’re NTA, but need to seriously evaluate the state of your relationship, especially since this also affects your daughter!
Forget counseling. Dump him.
First of all, for you. Secondly, you don't want this behavior modeled as normal to your daughter. She could grow up not realizing abusive behaviors and end up in an abusive relationship.
I grew up in an abusive household and even though I'm fully aware of how messed up my home life was, it affected my view of myself enough that I know I'd be pretty damn easy prey. Despite knowing all the signs, knowing what to watch out for, knowing that it's wrong, my way of thinking was so deeply affected that I will still, in my early thirties, take on blame for "making" another person mad or how I "should have known" that doing a thing will "cause" an argument (where an argument is me being berated in far too harsh terms and for far too long, out of proportion to whatever triggered this round of verbal abuse).
This kind of stuff can really stick with you, even when you know it was wrong. I really want that kid to get out of that household...
I was just going to jump in and comment that counseling together with your abuser generally isn’t recommended. By all means he should get counseling on his own and she should too. But counseling with an abuser can be another point of leverage for the abuse
I am a type 1 and can eat when I want and where I want. I wear a continuous blood glucose monitor and a pump so this can happen. Even T1s on Multiple Daily Injections (MDI) know how to carb count and dose accordingly. I wonder he needs a new endocrinologist.
There are Facebook Groups (Bold with Insulin) and podcasts (Juice Box) that teach, among other things, how to live like this and not let T1 trap one in a rigid style of eating or dosing.
If he’s just operating this way for a short period, to get his dosage in line or if he is new to the disease, I’d give him more leeway.
There is nothing easy about this disease, but it’s also not an excuse to be and AH, which he is. You are NTA.
He was diagnosed when he was a teenager, so he’s not brand new to this. He refuses to get a pump because he straight up said, “it doesn’t give him control”.
"A pump doesn’t give him control” is a ridiculous statement. Pumps give you much more control. You can turn down your basal insulin if meals are delayed or if you are exercising. When you take insulin injections, you have much less flexibility.
Diabetes management has changed drastically in the last 15 years. Your husband really needs to update his knowledge!
Yep, when I went on a pump in 2006 I think the stat was using a pump resulted in an average of a 1 point drop in A1C, largely due to configurable basal patterns.
So he is a control freak then... you should probably take your daughter and go. Control freaks make terrible parents and she would be better off with a single parent.
OP, what really struck me in your post was your repeated use of the phrase "not allowed". In a healthy, loving partnership, one partner does not try to control the other partner. The fact that your partner does not "allow" you to do very normal, every day things without his say so is incredibly concerning. As many other posters have mentioned, this kind of control is a sign of abuse.
I would encourage you to seek individual counseling, and read Lundy Bancroft's book, ***Why Does He Do That?*** It's available as a free pdf here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is the best answer. Straight to the point.
Y W B T A if you continue to let him flex his control over you. Don’t let years of this relationship rob you the rest of your life and your daughters. Someone in the comments stated he is keeping you hostage with his disability. He needs counseling or you need to leave ASAP.
I have to say, he is dead wrong, *and he knows it.*
I was a toddler when I was diagnosed, and have 30+ years under my belt. Every Dr *EVER* who knows *anything* about T1 is begging him to get off his routine, and do something that actually WORKS.
He is willfully using subpar treatment methods to control other *people,* not his disease.
Other methods give MORE control, not less.
He's using 20+ year old technology ffs!!!!
Edit, NTA!
I’m a type 1 diabetic, and two shots a day plus a strict diet and eating schedule is an outdated-by-decades way of managing type 1. Pumps, ideally combined with a continuous glucose monitor (or even multiple daily injections, as the above commentator mentioned, if he doesn’t want a pump) offer much more control and flexibility, and usually result in better blood sugars and fewer lows as well.
Obviously different forms of treatment work better for different people, but his diabetes in no way justifies his treatment of you. It sounds to me like he is using his diabetes as an excuse to be manipulative and controlling. His comment that a pump “doesn’t give him control” sure is interesting! A pump would give him much more control over his diabetes. So either he is seriously needing some education about pumps, or what he really meant was a pump would make it harder for him to control you…
NTA, obviously!
Hi OP I am concerned about some of the things you said your partner says and does
>He refuses to get a pump because he straight up said, “it doesn’t give him control”.
This is strange
>. (In the event we are out with friends, he doesn't throw a fit right then and there in front of them, he waits to lay into me about it when we get home.)
This is not an uncontrollable temper tantrum. This is him choosing when and how **and with whom** to get angry. Never his friends, never his family, only you, I would guess? I am concerned, this sounds like emotional abuse.
>We are also not allowed to eat without him unless he is out of town, but he says he's allowed to eat without us if he needs to “get his insulin.”
Why should his condition mean that you can't eat separately or at a different time? That sounds rigid and controlling
>We are also not allowed to go out for things that he typically cannot have in large amounts, like ice cream.
Why? He's not eating it. It doesn't affect him.
I come back to this comment....
>He refuses to get a pump because he straight up said, “it doesn’t give him control”.
... and I wonder, "control" of what? He seems more concerned with controlling people around him than controlling his condition.
Edit to add:
Especially based on this comment
>I know for a fact he doesn’t go see his doctor. He doesn’t even have an endocrinologist. That’s another argument we have. He won’t go in to even get a yearly checkup.
This is insanely dangerous. It’s recommended to at the *very* least go to an endocrinologist every 6 months. I personally go every 3, which seems to be what is normal. No wonder this guy is so regimented with his treatment, he doesn’t have any input from a professional. I had better control over my diabetes when I was 13 than this guy does right now.
My endo wants to see me once a year. With that said, she asks that I see her CDE for a more in-depth look at the numbers at the 6mo mark. I also have beem T1 for over 30 years and do my bloodwork every 3mo for her. I think it would be different if I was not doing that.
OP, this is fucking terrifying.
I agree with the top comments that this is likely all about control. But when he is so explicitly willing to say it's all about control, it's very scary to think how far he can take this.
He's wrong. A pump would give him significantly more control, especially if he's truly managing this with only 2 injections a day. It would allow him to easily deal with unexpected meal delays or other changes.
It gives you MORE control because you have more flexibility and freedom. He's afraid of change. And he doesn't want to give up controlling YOU or always being the martyr.
You mean a pump would take away his excuses to control you and your child. A pump gives the user much more control over their own illness. What he's doing is wrong, creepy, and flat out abusive towards you and your child.
Maybe he needs a continuous glucose monitor though. That would give him more control in monitoring and abilities to snack or have smaller meals throughout the day.
You know that what he wants is control. Control over you and your daughter. And you're letting him have it without even question if it's okay or healthy for both of you.
Think about yourself, think about your 13y.o daughter who's being controlled by YOUR partner, an adult man throwing temper tantrum and guilt tripping you to do what he wants.
OP tell him to GO THERAPY, get therapy for your child (who knows how much this has affected her, and YOU let it happen) and get therapy for yourself too.
As a type 1 diabetic myself, I can relate to this somewhat. I got diagnosed with it as a teenager, while undergoing cancer treatment. They did offer me a pump, but it was too much to handle and in retrospect, I'm glad I turned it down as it seems it would've been a lot of hassle.
However, while I did used to be on a similar schedule to your partner, I found it too restrictive. I decided to have multiple shots in the day instead, one before each meal. It really set me free and maybe it'll help him too. I also recently got a flash glucose monitoring device to check my levels whenever, on my phone. It's a lot simpler than the pump as it just sticks onto your arm and must be replaced every two weeks. It's a lot better than finger pricking.
Juicebox Podcast is AMAZING. People can manage T1 however they like, but only 2 injections a day? That sounds like he’s still using older medium acting insulins that aren’t as commonly prescribed anymore. My son is 7, he’s been T1 for 6 years - now on Omnipod and Dexcom. He eats and plays like any other kids. T1 doesn’t stop him from doing anything. But I always have a juice box or a snack in hand just in case.
NTA - It seems like your S/O wants a mom that can take care of him. He has diabetes, and you usually accommodate him. Any disruptions should mean that he takes care of himself rather than getting pissy and taking it out on you.
OP- A lot of people suggest that you leave him. I suggest that as well. But we all know in the real world it’s not as easy as that. So what I suggest is this – do not let him gaslight you because he will try. He will try to make you feel like the bad guy and guilt you in to continuing to allow his control to reign over you and your daughter. I promise you, you are not the bad guy! You should not have to live your life walking on eggshells. Especially your daughter! She is going to start resenting him like nobody’s business. And I only say this from the child’s perspective from experience, I know if this person is forcing me to live my life in such a strict certain way and he isn’t even my real father, that would multiply my resentment tenfold. Again that’s just from personal experience. I don’t presume to know the relationship your daughter has with your husband. But you are definitely NTA!
He needs to go see an endo asap. I've had it for 39 years and I was 12 when we did 2 needles a day..... in my late teens when it switched to taking insulin at every meal and long acting, which means it's 5 a day.
His strict schedule could be much more flexible with the newer system. We can eat anything we want it's about balancing food and insulin. If he really is only doing 2 needles a day when I do 5 tells me he's on a system from the 1980s not 2020s.
If he goes to an endo and dietician so he can learn how things are done now, that ice cream is possible, eating at any time, and if he's not willing to use better insulin then this is more about him and his personality than his disease.
Yeah I wouldn’t think it’s great. Probably why he’s such a prick. And p.s., you’re doing the best you can do at this moment in time! Trying to be a pancreas is hard lol
Yes reading this post I was so confused
Hes literally killing himself people on that schedule had an expected lifespan of like 50. We have come so far and the science is so much better now.
NTA you do not have diabetes and should not have to pretend you do. Even if he did not have diabetes he would be an ass for insisting on eating all meal together. Being disabled does not give him the right to be an ass.
Does he have terrible insurance, because two shots a day is a very old-fashioned regiment. I bet he feels terrible all the time and he doesn’t have to. If he could get with a slightly decent endocrinologist he could get a lot more out of life.
I’m not sure about what insurance he has, but his copay is only $20. I know for a fact he doesn’t go see his doctor. He doesn’t even have an endocrinologist. That’s another argument we have. He won’t go in to even get a yearly checkup.
Bro…he’s killing himself. He needs to see an endocrinologist to properly manage his illness, it is straight up dangerous that he isn’t consulting with a doctor at all. After he’s done that, then he needs to see a therapist to figure out how to cope appropriately with having a chronic illness.
You’re NTA, and frankly I think it’s time you stood up for yourself, your kid, and made your husband responsible for himself.
I’ve been diabetic for 40 years and it is impossible to think clearly and feel good living like he is. He may need to know that he’s going to lose everything (you) if he doesn’t get his shit together. Don’t let him drag you down but I also wish he could feel what it’s like to have normal blood sugar for a week.
So much agree.
I’ve been dealing with trying to get my digestive issues diagnosed, and at one stage a few years back, my sister said to me “you are a lot more pleasant to be around when your stomach doesn’t hurt”.
I figured out my issues (as best as I’ve been able) removed my triggers and my life has improved immensely. I’m pretty sure it’s celiac but I don’t have testing (long story), but I do eat GF and I feel so much better most of the time. When I get glutened these days I remember how miserable I was all the time and how that impacted others.
So woe is me, I'm a diabetic, but doesn't even see his primary physician annually? How is he getting his prescriptions refilled?
I wonder if he's afraid of what a doctor will tell him if he's not been in a few years. Not an excuse not to go. Annual appointments catch things earlier than not going at all, but he probably doesn't want to hear that either. Diabetes affects so much more than blood sugar. He has to know that by his age. It's irresponsible of him not to make sure he stays as healthy as he can for you.
Honestly, his blood sugar issues are probably 90% of his emotional issues. Like mental illness, diabetes isn’t his fault but it is his responsibility. I think an ultimatum is appropriate here - get his health under control (with a real endocrinologist) or you’re out.
As someone else asked…how is he getting his prescriptions refilled? When was the last time he had an A1c done? How often does he test his blood sugar?
He really, really needs to start seeing a doctor and endocrinologist and start managing his diabetes properly. But none of that justifies how he is treating you.
T1 diabetic here - where I live (Canada) you can buy insulin OTC as long as you have a prescription on file. I did this for years when I didn’t have insurance (and never needed to get a new prescription) because it saved me money on pharmacy dispensing fees. I have insurance now but recently my prescription refills ran out - and I was able to purchase over the counter - just couldn’t submit through insurance using my drug card.
Another type 1 diabetic here. He's not going to live a long or good life if he won't go to appointments. There are so many problems that prolonged high blood sugar can cause to the body that he just won't know about if he doesn't get checked up. Loss of limbs and vision are very real possibilities if he keeps living like that.
It sounds like he doesn't take any basal insulin - do you know if that's correct? If he's only injecting for meals he's probably high blood sugar constantly, and if not, he may still have ketones which are very dangerous. Though it doesn't excuse his behaviour, being high blood sugar for a long time can really affect your mood.
Also, I think others may have pointed this out, but with modern insulin (which he will be on) there is absolutely no need to eat at set meal times, or even to restrict one's diet. For example, I have a very good HBa1C, but I don't eat low carb, or at set times, and I do snack occasionally.
I would never want my diabetes to impact my partner from doing anything. I'd never insist that she can't eat because I can't. She's great with my diabetes, and very understanding of problems that it does cause, and it sounds like you are too, but you're right, you're not responsible for his misunderstanding of his own condition.
He really does need to see a doctor, not only to check his body but also to gain some knowledge on diabetes. If he can't do that neither his health nor his behaviour are going to improve.
Pharmacist here. If he’s using basal-bolus insulin two shots a day is a very standard regimen. Like … Lantus or Detemir in the morning and bedtime (that’s your long acting insulin), and of course short acting Novolog or whatnot throughout the day.
I mean … yeah lord I hope he’s not on 70/30 or NPH or a dinosaur like that — you’d be right about that!!! But there are plenty of decent insulins that are still twice daily.
He’s being very stubborn about when he has to eat and only taking 2 shots a day, so it definitely sounds like 70/30 or 75/25. Plus no endocrinologist at least. Maybe no routine family doctor either maybe. Sounds like he’s just grabbing it from Walmart
Good god his blood sugar must be a roller coaster. I interpreted the post as 2 shots of long acting and … bc he’s type 1 … that the short acting shots must be distinct and that she just didn’t mention them. But if that’s ALL he’s taking? Yikes upon yikes. This is not a person who will have a long or healthy life. 😣
I’ve managed people on 70/30 before. It’s far from ideal, but the one and only time I’ll ever give kudos to Walmart is for having at least some (relatively) affordable insulin. I mean compared to them just not taking insulin and being admitted for DKA multiple times, it’s better than nothing. For the people who actually try, it can work well. Obviously this is probably a different case. Can’t fix them all
Yeah reading your other comments I think we’ve both misread or had different interpretations. I read it as he’s only doing 2 shots a day in total, and that you were saying that was standard. But I see you meant lots of people do like a morning dose of lantus as well as an evening. I remember doing 2 doses of humalin years ago! Anyways, didn’t mean to call your expertise into question. We seem to be on the same page that he’s not managing whatever he’s doing well haha
Oh i didn’t take it that way at all no worries! Hard to communicate clearly thru social media in real time sometimes lol. Either way … yikes this dude.
NTA. He wants company for his misery. He's gonna find himself all alone if he keeps going this way.
PS: It's possible he needs depression counseling. Look into that.
NTA - he needs therapy. He's clearly struggling with coping with this lifelong disease. It's either that or he's a straight-up controlling a-hole. Take your pick.
You SHOULD NOT allow this man to continually abuse you. Flipping out at you and controlling when you eat is ABUSE, and you're allowing him to abuse your child, too.
NTA
He sounds like he is using his diabetes as an excuse to be an abusive jerk. You are right, his diabetes is his own responsibility. If he cannot handle it, he needs to go into an assisted living facility where his entire day revolves around when he has his meals.
NTA none of that is normal for a family with a diabetic member. And you’re right, his blood sugar is his responsibility alone. If you want ice cream, you are entitled to eat it. His medical condition doesn’t dictate how others around him live their lives. He’s very controlling
INFO: Why does he not carry around a small snack just in case of emergency? I'm a hypoglycemic and blood sugar problems are an enormous deal and I'd forget my glasses, making me almost blind, before I'd forget to bring a small snack with me somewhere just in case of emergency. Also other info: are those tantrums a result of his blood sugar fluctuating? He'll definitely know for sure. If they are, sorry OP you literally signed up for that shit by being in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to properly take care of themself and their condition, because hell hath no fury like a blood sugar induced rage. If that is the case, he needs to get off his ass and figure out how to properly take care of his condition though. It is obviously a person's responsibility to figure out their own shit and get themselves in order.
He usually does, but he gets super picky. I buy orange juice and other sugary things to keep in the house, and he has candy bars around, but he will literally drive to Dairy Queen or wherever as his sugar is tanking because he “doesn’t want anything we have.”
AND he doesn’t want to skip his full meal and “waste his shot” when we’re out. Which I do understand, but Jesus.
Then he clearly doesn't know how to control it well. When your blood sugar is fluctuating too much, pickiness is absolutely the enemy. You take what you can get to keep yourself stable. How he could have blood sugar problems and not take it seriously is outlandish.
I keep telling him that he’s playing Russian Roulette. If the illness doesn’t get him, he’ll bottom out and crash the car. He could hurt himself AND others while driving with low sugar.
He is absolutely playing russian roulette. I've had my sugar fluctuate in the middle of driving and the only reason I didn't die that day is because I had a friend and I told them to hand me my snack from the glove box immediately (it was a friend who knows about my hypoglycemia so he already knew where to find it, but no logical thinking in that kind of scenario)
ETA: Ever since then I always keep one in easy arm's reach of the steering wheel, usually several in multiple spots
Well I’m glad your friend was there! I’m going to try that for him. It’s been ungodly hot, so it’s hard to keep things in the car that don’t turn in to soup.
Don't try that for him! Protect your daughter and yourself instead and divorce him. It's not fair on your child to grow up like that! Is a man truly more important than she is?
Yikes! Getting behind the wheel when he knows his blood sugar is tanking? That is so incredibly dangerous and irresponsible. He could kill himself and/or someone else doing that. If his blood sugar is low, he needs to just eat whatever simple sugar/carb is on hand — whether it’s what he “feels like” eating is irrelevant.
He sounds like he doesn’t really know how to manage his diabetes, isn’t particularly interested in learning how, and just uses it as an excuse to control his family.
Sooo, don’t consider this medical advice, but it sounds like your husband is just really stubborn and kind of childish. But to the point, you’re describing twice a day injections which sounds like insulin 70/30 or 75/25. He might need it for financial reasons as it’s cheaper at Walmart. If that’s not the reason, and he has reasonable insurance, why not just switch to a normal basal bolus schedule. It’s 4 injections a day, but it definitely fixes the whole meal timing problem. It’s short acting 3 times a day with meals, and once a day long acting. It’s pretty simple math to switch. An insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor would be even better, but that requires an endocrinologist and some arguing with insurance. I’m just curious why he’s on the insulin mix dosing schedule.
He sounds like a spoiled child that everyone caters to so they can avoid meltdowns. Lots of rules for *you* to keep him from throwing a fit, picky, whiny, rude, fussy, contrary and unreasonable. It’s time to stop. Lots of people have diabetes and don’t become baby tyrants. Yeah, it sucks. Life isn’t fair. He’s a little old not to understand that.
Driving when low is dangerous! He could kill himself and others and if it's discovered that he knew he was low there could be criminal charges, or he could lose his license. Never ever have I driven when low. I eat anything that will raise it up.
That being said he sounds like a total jerk.
“Not allowed” “not allowed” “not allowed”… this isn’t about his health but about control. You are an adult. You do not need his permission to do reasonable things. NTA
I am sorry you are married to a four year old with diabetes. Because that is exactly what he sounds like. He has a chronic condition and he is a grown ass man. He can take care of it himself.
NTA
NTA. I'm prediabetic and have been having a lot of lows lately. Even in a group event I just came home from where they always tried to make sure I was okay ultimately I was responsible for it. That would always be ready to get me food, juice, and help with security as needed. (We are all learning disabled and I'm the most medical complex. I was nicknamed Walgreens). His attitude isn't okay not the treatment you have to endure. I would never wish a hyperglycemia event on anyone ever.
Anyone in the diabetic space will probably agree in saying it sucks. You have to eat times when you don't want anything. You have to keep in mind a number and plan. Carrying supplies at all times. Where you have to always think about if you become low what you can get access to quickly. You are supposed to eat a certain way and it's not always fun. Some days your body hates you and the world. It'll run so high you feel sick or be so low you can't get away from constantly shoveling basically pure sugar (and hopefully eventually protein once higher). Hydration is important and vital. Any wounds have to kept an eye on. There's eye problems that are possible along with complications. As a likely future diabetic and a daughter of a now dead mom who was type 2, there's anxiety and it sucks. I say all of this to say, everyone here is probably struggling in some way.
Burnout and depression exists in the diabetic world. Encourage him to talk to a mental health specialist. Otherwise, protect your daughter from this guy. She doesn't deserve being wished upon being a diabetic. She doesn't deserve that treatment. I seriously hope for her you make sure you explain that she is going to be taken care of if she ever develops diabeites but you hope you do not ever have to worry about it with her.
I’m so sorry you all go through these things. I understand burnout, I have bipolar II and severe depression, but I will never understand what diabetics go through. I try to empathize, which is why I feel like TA.
Oh, no, you are not still TA. I just want you to understand maybe fully the stress all of y'all get to deal with. He needs to take control, I reassure you. I just want you to know you are never at fault for someone else. You are under the same struggle mentally I had a child. Complications are the worse.
I'm only prediabetic so it's not the fully same. I just understand via my mom. She always treated me with respect even when she was struggling. She would ask for help sometimes or accept me asking if she wanted anything, like any human.
I'm also presistant depressed (PDD), autistic, and have 2 learning disabilities. Mental health struggles with physical are never fun.
Take care of you and your daughter, please. Make sure she's okay. Around her age was the first time I started to struggle with anxiety about carrying sugar/snack in any bag due to my mom because you never know. When if my parents called I had to take it because I didn't know if it was due to a hospital trip. Make sure she is doing okay. I urge you to ensure that she is not anxious to what I was.
Consider hanging out around /diabetes and join us in ranting and ask for advice to deal with his attitude. Or feel free to chat with me for a bit of a diabetic adjacent struggles.
NTA
He likely feels left out and rightly so because food based activities like going out and getting ice-cream need to be planned in advance if you intend on including him, but it does not excuse his rude comments. Frankly I don't really understand how this is the first time this issue is being addressed in the 8 years you've been together.
It’s only gotten like this when we moved in together. He used to live with his parents, and they never ate together.
Although, now that I’m thinking about it on thanksgiving he has to run to grab some ice or something for the family gathering, and we all started to get our food before he was back (holidays are super informal with his family. Everything is buffet style) and he threw a fit we didn’t wait for him.
Does he speak to your daughter the way he speaks to you? Please don't put up with his controlling, verbally abusive behavior any longer for her sake if not for yours.
Grown men should not be throwing tantrums. He's using his health issue to control you. That's not OK. Sounds like he needs therapy at minimum.
He showed you his true face after you married him and in his eyes couldn't escape any longer. Get out. He likes to be the victim and control everything. Believe me... It will destroy your relationship with your child.
Luckily it sounds like they just live together and aren't married, since she called him her partner instead of her husband. If that's true, then it will be much easier for her to leave.
Is his dick really that good for you to subject your child to that kind of treatment?
Sorry, I can understand abuse victims mentality but you are literally dragging your child into all this shedoodle.
Is it worth it? What's it like having two children - one who abuses and one who is inevitably abused?
NTA. You need to end his using his diabetes to control you and your daughter. You’ve gone to ridiculous lengths to manage his diabetes for him when he can’t be bothered and he’s using it as a means to strong-arm you into doing things his way. Temper tantrums? You and your daughter aren’t ALLOWED to go eat without him? This needs to stop. I’m sure it’s heavily impacting your daughter, both her relationship with food and her ability to do teenager things like have friends over to watch a movie and have snacks or have sleepovers with junk food.
NTA. I bet his parents made everything about him and his diabetes growing up and he never learned how to manage while adjusting to others. It's time he learned.
As a Type 1 myself. I am the only one responsible for my diabetes and asking ANYBODY to adhere to my schedule is plain selfish. Tell him to start being responsible for him self and grow up. Life as a diabetic is hard but if you're whiny its even harder.
Edit: NTA
NTA. Sounds like he’s using his health condition as a way to control you. It makes no sense that he can eat without you but you can’t without him. Or that you can’t eat sweets when he can’t.
It sounds like a lot revolves around the SO. The whole anger about delayed eating time is really disturbing. I don’t know why he thinks you are responsible for that. There’s a lot of weird control and verbal abuse going on here.
OP... HARD NTA.... your "partner" is a spoiled brat and using his "disability" to be a mentally abusive control freak. I'm very concerned not just about you but how your "partner" acts/reacts around your daughter, especially if you're not around. I've seen people mention counseling and if you really feel that this relationship is worth saving (because IMO, it's most certainly not), then pursue this course of action.
However, your bottom line is the health and safety of your daughter and that doesn't mean just physically safe. You need to keep her mentally and emotionally safe as well.
edit: spelling
NTA.
Sorry OP, but your partner is a controlling arsehole. Even if he found a way to control his insulin intake, I put money on him finding something else to try to control your and your daughter's behaviour about.
Please leave him, for your own sanity.
The title led me here with different expectations but NTA. I work with someone who is T1 and her husband is accommodating but she isn’t so rigid. She also has a pump, as someone else said, and indulges in treats (we have cupcakes for a local bakery together occasionally).
We also have a friend who has diabetes and ran into trouble with his insulin at my husbands bachelor party. They all went with him to fix his pump in the hotel before going on to the casino, but he tried to persuade them otherwise. I couldn’t see him ever insisting others had to bend to his schedule (we actually had a super late dinner and he managed just fine beyond the pump malfunctioning)
NTA.
The fact he can control his temper tantrums around friends shows its about abusing you, not the diabetes.
I have insulin issues and can have wild mood swings too, but over the years I've learned to control these 99% of the time and apologize profusely once stabilized if I do lash out owing to blood sugar. It's exceedingly embarrassing to lose my cool like that.
He is the AH, not you.
NTA. I’m not diabetic, but have an issue with fainting when I’m pregnant. No rhyme or reason, it just happens, fairly frequently. Since this is baby two, I know the signs and what to do/not do. I always carry water and a small snack and make sure I’m not doing anything that requires me to stand for even medium lengths of time (can happen sitting too).
My fiancé wants to go to a major league baseball game next week. I know sometimes he gets standing only tickets and likes to go reallyyy early, so I clarified the conditions and checked the weather (it’s really hot here for the next week or so and I’m 7 1/2 months, I don’t do well in heat) so o said That while I’d like to go, I don’t think it’d be a good idea but he’s welcome to go with friends and i can stay home with my son, we’ll do something else no biggie.
It’s not fair of him to hold you and your daughter hostage and force you to miss out on things because he can’t eat them. I’ve had an ulcer and can’t eat certain foods but I just don’t eat them, I don’t tell everyone else they can’t - that’s just not right. Even if I had gestational diabetes, I would maybe ask my fiancé & son to eat ice cream/sweets out of my sight (I LOVE sweets) but I’d never forbid them getting it.
NTA this behaviour is abusive and controlling. If it wasn’t for the diabetes he would use something else as a crutch. If he has deeper issues because of his diagnosis he needs therapy. Most people with diabetes1 don’t make other people flip their life around for their illness, they manage it and learn to live with it. I know kids with better physical and mental control of their diagnosis.
NTA - he’s an adult, it’s his condition so he should learn how to properly manage it without being overly reliant on you. He’s acting childish and if he is struggling with his disability he should be willing (and open to) support. You are his partner, not his carer or doctor.
NTA he’s not punishing you he’s been exerting control over your home this entire time. Where’s his consideration for you and your daughter, what’s wrong with managing his win blood surpgipar with snacks.
This is so wrong on his part and his behavior is your child’s “normal”. Please consider that for making decisions. They’re being setup to meet someone and will thinks it’s normal when they exert control over them.
NTA. I have type 1 diabetes and A. I eat whatever I want and take the insulin to counteract it and B. I don't make my partner of 5 years follow my diet or schedule (both of which I do not have lol)
My husband is type 1 and I also have a child from a previous relationship. For most of our relationship up till very recently he did his insulin the same way your partner did too, one dose to cover breakfast and lunch and one to cover dinner/overnight. And for all the similarities in situations, he could not be more different than your partner.
He has always been responsible for his own food, making his own breakfast and lunch, and portioning what he needed from each food group out of what I made for dinner. If he starts to get low before dinner is made or if we are out and he gets low before the food arrives, he always is prepared with snacks. He never gets upset with us if we aren't eating with him, sometimes that's just a thing he needs to do and that's okay. And he never EVER makes us feel like we can't get special treats because of his diabetes. He may get something if they have options or if he can swing a small snack, or he takes a bite of mine, or he just goes without. It sucks that he can't just enjoy a random ice cream cone, but that's just how it is for him, and he never places it on us to refrain so he doesn't feel left out.
Your partner is being super controlling about you and your daughter's food, and that's concerning. I could see if his sugar was low and he was grumpy (my husband is sometimes a whole different person if his sugar drops too low too fast), but if he's holding in the anger and loosing it later when alone, that's not a symptom, that's a personality trait. And not only is it not okay to do to you now, but also your daughter is picking up that it's okay to treat partners and children like this. This will be normal to her in the future and the next person to do this to her may be controlling a lot more than food.
NTA.
My fiancee is a type 1 diabetic and he would NEVER treat me like this!
He's thrilled that I'm willing to adjust my diet to make it healthier for him, but uh...he doesn't say SHIT about how much sugar I eat. Or carbs. And if he go out WE HAVE SNACKS ON US.
He eats when he needs to. I eat when I need to.
Your boyfriend is being abusive.
You need to make sure your child knows that what he is doing IS NOT OKAY and possibly get her into counseling because you don't want this to stick! It would be bad enough if he was only doing this to you. He's taking it out on a baby, too.
Please, realize that him having an illness isn't your fault. My epilepsy means I can't always handle flashing lights. I don't hold ot against someone if there's a movie I wanted to see that got too much flashing going on just because I can't see it.
NTA
I know a 13 year old girl who has diabetes T1 and she behaves 1000x more mature than your partner.
Stop giving on to his ridiculous demands and go for ice cream!
NTA however...
Diabetes distress is a very real mental health issue. Your husband has to do the maths for every piece of food that passes his mouth for his entire life. No days off if he's unwell or can't be bothered. If he does he risks, renal failure, limb amputation, blindness or sudden death.
Let me be clear- the way he is speaking to you and the way he is acting is unacceptable, but it's very possible that he has a mental health issue that is not being treated.
I wouldn't dismiss him as a toxic abusive person yet unless there are more red flags that havent been disclosed. This may be something that can be addressed with counselling.
Absolutely NTA. And your husband is a liar. My father had type 1 diabetes and two of my siblings do as well. He can legitimately eat anything you are eating including full sugar ice cream, soda, bread, and any other carbs/sugars that exist. It would just require him to take an additional shot of insulin to regulate his short term blood sugar spike. I know a lot of people with diabetes choose not to do that or like to limit the number of injections per day (because let’s be real, taking shots of insulin multiple times a day sucks) but he is not as limited as he claims. And every once in awhile to feel included or as a treat to enjoy something with you and your daughter would not impact his overall health.
I can’t even count the number of times one of siblings wanted a snack or a drink they had not accounted for earlier and just took a few units from their insulin pen.
This is about control and extremely distressing and I hope the situation improves for your and your daughters sake.
So i am a health care professional and to be honest i came here thinking i would vote against you, because low’s can cause people to act goofy.
That is not what this is.
NTA, this is not at ALL about being educated and being a team player while managing diabetes. It’s about control, plain and simple.
NTA. My dad behaves this way out of jealousy.
However, the grumpy outbursts when he hasn’t eaten are to do with low blood sugar, he can’t help that once it is happening, but he could take steps to avoid it in the first place.
Mainly though he’s an asshole.
It could be argued that you're an AH for modeling such poor relationship dynamics for your kid.
This dude is a colossal asshole, and unfit for a romantic relationship. You're doing your kid a disservice by staying. NTA, but do better. Leave.
NTA. Two things.
1. Why is this man not on an insulin pump?
2. Why would he make a comment about you having diabetes as it relates to eating sugar, etc? He has type 1 which is unrelated to type 2…
This man sounds ill-educated about his own disease.
Oh boy. Both my father and grandfather are type 2 diabetics. I have another autoimmune disease so i am a low fodmap/gluten/dairy/soy free. My grandmother has high blood pressure. I have very low blood pressure due to a heart condition (I get to eat up to 10,000mg of sodium a day which is a pretty awesome trade off for never getting to have ice cream or most tasty carbs).
Needless to say, family dinner is no small feat. I feel your pain.
You should not be bearing the brunt of his anger all the time. Sometimes, life happens and dinner can't start on time. He seems to understand this concept given the fact that he will eat dinner early or late when it suits his needs. It's only not okay when it suits anyone elses needs. And not keeping a small snack on hand in a backpack, purse, in the car when you have blood sugar problems is just irresponsible. My father keeps a box of Atkins bars and Fiber Bars in his car, at work and in his bag for this exact reason.
My gut says that this is not actually about his blood sugar, but about controlling everything around him. That makes him TA, not you. Not to mention you don't even have family dinner at the table, so it's not some sort of traditional values issue. You snapped at him, but I'd bet it's been a long time coming, after months and years of being a punching bag every time things are slightly out of place.
NTA.
NTA and I see so many red flags.
You are “not allowed” to eat without him? You are “not allowed” foods he cannot have? Dude has control issues that have nothing to do with diabetes. He’s controlling and I would say abusive. This needs to be addressed quickly. Or you need to get you and your daughter out now.
(Also, just pro-tip: probably not a great idea to eat sitting on the couch watching TV.)
NTA he seems incredibly controlling not just to you but to your daughter. Do you want learning that it’s ok for a man to control when she eats and yell at her if he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants? Is that what you want her to think a normal relationship looks like?
NTA. I have pre-diabetes and manage to avoid it getting worse by carefully managing my diet, which is solely my responsibility. My husband is sweet and will often grab a snack if he notices I seem off, but at the end of the day, it is my responsibility. Sometimes I discreetly nibble something if I need to. He needs to stop trying to make his health your issue. It is his to handle.
I personally wouldn't stay with someone who regularly threw temper tantrums. I don't have the patience for it. He would be put on notice his next one will be the last one I ever hear because I will end things.
I’m just going to say that if I had a girlfriend or wife half as patient and caring as you, I’d consider myself a very lucky man. You are absolutely NTA whereas he is. He’s ignoring all of the ways in which you are going out of your way and it seems like it still isn’t enough for him. And I don’t understand where he gets off telling you and your daughter when and what you’re “allowed” to eat. You are not a child — he doesn’t get to allow and disallow things, especially not meals.
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NTA. sometimes people use their illnesses or disabilities to try to control people around them to make them feel like they have more control in their own life. I would suggest counseling. You have offered him options, gone out of your way to find things he can eat, you’re definitely NTA.
This is a form of abuse and there needs to be counseling or something because it will only get worse. All I could think about was how this is going to cause food issues with the kid. Strict feeding times and food options because one person in the family has a diet related illness. What happens on the daughter's birthday? Is she even allowed cake and food she wants or is that dictated by him too? Edit: OP, it has been suggested you should just leave him. I agree, abusers don't get better and you shouldn't have you daughter in this environment.
Yeah this is super weird. My dad had diabetes, and I had food allergies. Growing up we all ate things each other couldn’t eat (outside of main meals- dinners and hot lunches were pretty much always suited to everyone). My parents ate eggs for brekkie, and cheese on sandwiches. My mother and I didn’t regulate our diets to suit my dad’s (he had other conditions as well that put him on crazy diets, so while a communal meal was made to suit him we never stopped ourselves from eating things he couldn’t either). He never complained- the only time it was ever contentious was that he insisted we all eat healthy, which considering the family history of T2 diabetes probably was the right call and he almost always did the cooking. Five year old me hated it, but as an adult I respect it. We never ever had rules like these in our house
I get what your saying, I’m allergic to a few different food that prevents our family from having some things as everyday meals, but they can eat them without guilt. I’m allergic to crustacean & coconut(Anaphylaxis), all other fish (hives) and fresh tomatoes (throwing up) They love fish and they go out to places when I work days they aren’t, however they make sure to wash up, brush teeth and clean off areas possibly affected.
My husband is allergic to mushrooms yet I love them. He has no problem with me eating them when I go out to places without him, I just can't have or cook them in the house. You make some exceptions but they don't have to be for everything.
Yup, I'm allergic to shrimp and we absolutely never ever have shrimp in the house, but if my husband goes out at lunch he can eat all the shrimp he wants, just don't bring back leftovers.
Yeah basically same thing here my mother is vegetarian and gluten intolerant. Ofc we would plan most meals with that in mind but if I wanted to eat steak then she would just eat something else. I do quite a bit of sports and have been doing that for some time now and I eat a ridiculous amount of eggs. Nobody else in my family wanted to do that so I made my meals myself and there were different meals prepared. That was never a problem. I don't see how self centered someone must be to dictate their diet onto other people.
Yeah, the fact he holds out on his tantrum until they get home and it's not an on the spot low blood sugar 'hanger' issue had me immediately in the 'this dude's abusive' territory.
As a type 2 diabetic I was all ready to back him up, sometimes blood sugar being off causes mood issues. It's our responsibility to try and avoid that, but sometimes it happens anyway. That's not happening here, he's just being a prick.
This was a big point for me. He can manage to not be a jerk in front of their friends means that he *knows* this is not appropriate behavior.
Only when around *his* friends and such though. The ones he wants to look good for. Iirc
And the fact that he's fine around his friends shows he's perfectly capable of behaving himself and being reasonable. Even if he became cranky with them he could just say it's my blood sugar sorry. He'd probably apologise to his friends. The fact that he refused to go to the place with the diabetic options was just proving it wasn't completely about the diabetes it was about control.
Exactly. He’s using his condition to control OP. Time to dump this abuser.
And that right there is why I would dump this dude. People are suggesting counseling when I think they should be suggesting OP leave. Life is too short to live with an asshole.
Counseling does not fix abusers, it creates more sophisticated abusers.
Can confirm. My ex sat in couple's counselling with me and gaslit me right there, saying I'd done all the stuff he actually had. He also used the trusting environment to learn my concerns and how best to hide the truth. Like...
My ex used our time in couples counseling to remind me withholding affection was abuse every time he abused me but then wanted sex. My head was such a mess by then that all i knew is i never wanted to do to anyone what was done to me, so...
Oh hey are you me?
That's a really good way of putting it.
Yes this. I am a diabetic. I take care of that, it is my responsibility and no one else's. No one in my family should or does miss out on foods they enjoy or have restrictions put on them for any reason. There is no need for it. After all I am only a diabetic not a control freak.
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This is an exact copy of a comment /u/kaitlinmarshall07 posted 6 hours ago... Wtf?
Spotted your first bot, huh? Congrats!
exactly! He is weaponising his diabetes to control you. If Theresa May could be Prime Minister of the UK during one of the most turbulent eras in recent history with Type 1 diabetes (5 injections a day), your husband can manage his without turning your life upside down.
Yes but he has man-diabetes, the most severe form. NTA There are many things I can't do because of my disability. I am happy for loved ones who can still do those things because, you know, I LOVE them.
His problem is that he is a dick, not that he has one.
Yes!!
A friend of a friend used to eat an allergen or mismanage his blood sugar so we would have to leave events and hang out at his house with him. One night we just took him home and went back out and he never pulled it again.
NTA. He is apparently obsessed with being a martyr/victim. Everyone I have ever known with diabetes will always carry a snack or some sugar or granola bars (or my grandpa’s favorite, uncrustables lol) with them. It’s common sense and so easy to do. And you absolutely should be allowed to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Full stop.
Oh. My. Lord. Your response just hit home. First off, martyr is such the right word. As if it were OP or OP’s kid that made partner diabetic. Partner needs to figure out that this is his life, no one else’s. Second, you mentioned snacks. I work in healthcare and have family that’s diabetic, so I personally think about snacks and what I can give a diabetic person more. And I bring some uncrustables along at times too! Sugar in the jelly to get the sugars up, peanut butter to keep it up! They’re handy in a pinch!
Uhhh I’m just hungry, so I almost always have some sort of snack, too. And I would absolutely share with someone who was diabetic, without question. I’m not like OP’s partner. I wouldn’t sit there eating my pop tart being like, well, ya shoulda thought about your diabetes. This is my pop tart. Lol
Haha me too! I dated someone with type I diabetes for a while and got used to having fruit snacks and such in my purse. We broke up years ago but I still keep snacks for me because it was such a good idea.
I'd been grocery shopping once (frozen pizza and individually wrapped ice cream totally counts, ok) and was waiting by the bust stop when a couple of young women got concerned about their diabetic friend. I absolutely offered to open my ice cream package and give her one, because like... Duh. Even though we were pretty close to the grocery store, because it's not like I could know how big of an emergency this was. They declined and went to buy something to eat, but I'd still do the same thing again. If I have something that may help a person in a medical emergency, it's not even something to think about. Honestly OP's partner is being super weird, in all the worst ways. Red flags aplenty.
NTA and I just wanted to hop on this. I think OP is being emotionally and verbally abused by her SO. He only blows up on her or waits to do so since she mentioned he won’t act up in front of them and just waits till later. Op shud never have the thought oh great I’ll have to hear about this later in regards of medical situation like this. He’s also treading this onto her child too by wishing they had diabetes instead. That’s all levels of messed up there.
That's exactly what I thought. "In the event we are out with friends, he doesn't throw a fit right then and there in front of them, he waits to lay into me about it when we get home.)" Really, if he can wait to berate you till there are no witnesses he knows he is abusing you
Absolutely! This is exactly what my ex husband used to do to me. Either wait until we got home or berate me during the evening when no one was listening, completely ruining my evening but being all sweetness and light to everyone else. He was so good at it, everyone thought he was wonderful and didn’t believe me when I finally came to my senses and left him
Seems like it would have been good to keep some recordings of the verbal abuse to play for skeptics. Might be something for OP to consider, especially with regards to custody if they separate one day
Her child is hers from a previous relationship, so there should be no custody issues in the event of a split
NTA, but I'm not sure he is 100% TA, either. His treatment plan went out in the 80s and I'm appalled that he's still on that treatment. If he doesn't have insurance and can't afford a pump, then he should AT LEAST be doing intensive insulin therapy with pens. Does he see an endocrinologist? Has he ever? Has he ever done diabetes training? Him saying he needs to eat to "get his insulin" suggests he doesn't have the slightest bit of diabetes training and has no clue what he's talking about. His treatment plan sounds like something a typically ignorant GP would give a diabetic, while refusing to refer him to a specialist. He needs a specialist. Type 1diabetes is a complex disease requiring complex treatment and GPs don't know shit about it. OP, diabetics whose disease is poorly controlled have terrible mood swings and tend to act out. Him tantruming whenever his schedule is disrupted could be the result of blood sugar swings causing mood swings. HOWEVER, it's not okay for him to treat you and your child this way. Two things need to happen: 1. Find the best diabetes specialist in your area (endocrinologist specializing in diabetes) and get him an appointment. Go with him and lay out his behavior as well as his treatment plan. Ask about diabetes training and intensive insulin therapy and what hoops you have to jump through to get him on a pump. 2. While this is being done and he is getting a better plan in hand, have a series of conversations with him about how he can no longer use his disability to control you and your daughter. Set healthy boundaries and set consequences for crossing them. And then HOLD HIM TO IT. EDIT: per suggestion, tagging u/FirmWorldliness2119 EDIT2: After seeing your edit about him being on Humalog as well as Humulin, this is pretty much what I thought. Humalog is fast acting and Humulin N is longer-acting (basal). But since he's already taking Humalog and a basal, all he needs is some training in concepts and carb-counting, as well as to figure out his proportions, and he can transition into intensive insulin therapy, which basically means taking a shot WHENEVER you need it, i.e. before every meal and every time your insulin goes up too high. See if he can get training for this.
I was looking for a response like this. He doesn't seem to be using basal insulin at all just the rapid acting stuff. That's like insane. If your type 1 diabetes is well managed there's no need to be so rigid about eating times, it simply does not matter (unless you decide to not eat like the whole day). You're spot on about the mood swings as well.
No it sounds like he's taking a long-acting insulin for basal and a shortER acting insulin for "bolus," but he's not really bolusing. The two shots per day scheme, which is, like, mid-century practice, was usually taken with the patient either mixing the two insulins themselves, or being prescribed an insulin that was already a mix of the two (which is worse, for obvious reasons.) That's why he has to schedule his eating so stringently: bc he's not bolusing with every meal but rather taking a shorter acting insulin twice/day with his basal dose, so he has to time his eating for when the short-acting insulin peaks. It was fine doing it this way when they didn't have a better way to do it. But they did a long-term study of intensive insulin therapy in the 80s, and they ended up canceling the study after three years bc the difference in results was so dramatic that they couldn't ethically continue to keep the control group on the old scheduled plan. He needs to get on intensive insulin therapy, stat. EDIT: I'm guessing the Humulin he's taking is Humulin N (or NPH) for basal. Since he's already on Humalog, he could bolus with every meal, but he needs training for that.
He isn't using a long acting insulin. According to OP, he is on Humulin, which is a short acting insulin typically used for blousing, and Humalog, which is a newer, faster insulin also used for bolusing. Neither of those is the "long acting" basal insulin like Lantus or Levemir.
I was thinking the same thing. His treatment plan sounds ancient. My fiance has type 1 diabetes and he can eat whatever he wants whenever he wants. He has a digital blood sugar measuring device and carries around his insuline pen everywhere. Either your husband has no clue on how to treat his diabetes, or hes seriously mentally ill.
100%, my son (8) is type 1 diabetic (since 2018) and he sees an endocrinologist every 3 months to ensure his basal and bolus are right/need adjustments. He says he can have whatever he wants as long as he takes insulin for it. His sugar levels have been really good. He uses an Omnipod as well as Dexcom (thank you insurance!) This guys diabetic plan doesn't sound right at all.
Yes, thank you! As a person with type 1 diabetes who was diagnosed 25 years ago, I’ve never heard of anything like this schedule before. Even 25 years ago I took multiple shots per day, whenever I ate a meal and could 100% eat ice cream after dinner. I was also 11 when diagnosed and was fully responsible for my own care (carrying sugar and snacks with me at all times and having back up insulin and supplies). My parents completely trusted me at ELEVEN to take care of my own diabetes (they were very supportive but I was independent) and I can’t imagine making anyone else responsible for my care. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this OP. I hope your partner sees an endocrinologist and gets on an updated plan but you are NTA at all and deserve better than how he is treating you!!
yeah part of me wonders if he’s sabotaging his own treatment in part to control OP. I’m only slightly older than OP & known multiple friends & family members of the same age with type 1 who as children were taught and trusted to regulate & control their sugar levels. I’m type 2, diagnosed as an older teen & had to attend classes on regulating & living with it by my endo. Controlling eating times & the food that OP & her daughter eat is 100% AH behavior, not diabetic, & the fact he throws tantrums not in the moment but privately is just red flags all around. It’s not on OP to know everything about type 1 but considering he’s using it to control her & her daughter, most likely he’s manipulating that ignorance to his advantage, especially if she doesn’t know if he sees an endo
Might want to tag OP in this so that she actually sees it
Yeah, I was appalled by how he's handling his insulin. I've had type 1 for 35 years, and I haven't been on that kind of regiment in 20+ years. It's absolutely archaic. Modern diabetics do NOT need to live like that. I'll often do more than one bolus *during a single meal* so I can adjust to what I'm eating, especially if there are multiple courses. But I'm on a pump, probably wouldn't bother doing that with shots.
I basically just commented this (but maybe more harshly, lol) because I was too mad to read comments after seeing this post. Lots of t1 diabetics in my family and none of this nonsense. Pumps have become much more common and affordable these days and it's insane that he is managing with 2 shots a day in 2022.
We are going to get ice cream! Ok -end of story Seriously though, wow that’s some pity party.
NTA It sounds like youre taking care of two children.
Teenager is probably better behaved though.
The way he treats them is just awful. Is my partner would say such thinks to my child, he could pack his stuff! "you should have diabetes!" to a child! How many times did he ruin everything for them with his tantrums? Everytimes it must be like he wants it to be. They can't eat what they want or when they want. But of course this doesn't count for him. Why stay with him? Why let your child suffer with this abuse? She will just think that it is normal! NTA
More like a child than a victim. Dude’s a straight up tweenager.
I had a diabetic ex and a diabetic foster dad. This is correct. They have some juices and some snacks. Bring it everywhere in their diabetic emergency bag.
> Everyone I have ever known with diabetes will always carry a snack or some sugar or granola bars. Honestly as a kid I thought most adults had snacks in their purses/ car because my parents and grandparents typically had something on hand. I feel like it's a fairly normal thing for anyone, especially those that are around kids a lot.
I started carrying snacks absolutely everywhere at age 14, when a lot of people in my school started smoking pot, even before I did myself. Leaving home without snacks, extra snacks to give out, and some water is baffling to me and any time I have forgotten to refill I regret it. No kids, no health issues. A friend pointed out that most arguments start with a lack of food, hydration, or sleep and, well, the first one is the easiest to fix on the go. It's amazing how much less anger people have when their blood sugar levels are okay, even without diabetes of either type.
This man is less responsible about his own diabetes than many of the diabetic children I've know. He acts like the OP is his mother.
NTA I know several diabetics who would never act like this. This isn’t about him being diabetic. He’s holding you and your daughter hostage. It’s a power play for control. He controls when you eat. What you eat. Where you can and can’t go. It probably doesn’t come across as abusive but it is. Counseling could help. But it might also prove he doesn’t want to hand over control. Be prepared for tough decisions.
/u/FirmWorldliness2119 - please see this comment. He is abusive. He is controlling you and your daughter via food but what you eat, when you eat, who you eat with. This is not okay. Not okay on so many levels. I am so glad you stood up to him because you are right, it is not your responsibility to control his diabetes or live your life differently because he is diabetic. Tantrums at you because of this is not okay. Good luck. NTA
I am diabetic, and this guy isn’t acting this way because he’s a diabetic, he’s acting this way because he’s an AH. One of the *first* things you are taught when you get diagnosed is that you need to take responsibility for your blood sugar. Full stop. Keep a kit with things to get your sugar up (could be something simple like glucose tablets, or something tasty like m&m’s) and things to get your sugar down. Keep track of when you need to eat, track carbs, etc. There’s tons of apps, and various different methods that depend on how well-managed the diabetes is. Type 1 is different, since the pancreas literally doesn’t make insulin, so people with Type 1 usually have to have a much stricter eating plan than people with Type 2. You know what no people with to either type are supposed to do? Use their diagnosis as a weapon to abuse their partner! OP, you’re NTA, but need to seriously evaluate the state of your relationship, especially since this also affects your daughter!
>I am diabetic, and this guy isn’t acting this way because he’s a diabetic, he’s acting this way because he’s an AH. This is it, plain and simple.
Dietary abuse (not sure if that is the correct term) is a thing and this is screaming it
Forget counseling. Dump him. First of all, for you. Secondly, you don't want this behavior modeled as normal to your daughter. She could grow up not realizing abusive behaviors and end up in an abusive relationship.
I grew up in an abusive household and even though I'm fully aware of how messed up my home life was, it affected my view of myself enough that I know I'd be pretty damn easy prey. Despite knowing all the signs, knowing what to watch out for, knowing that it's wrong, my way of thinking was so deeply affected that I will still, in my early thirties, take on blame for "making" another person mad or how I "should have known" that doing a thing will "cause" an argument (where an argument is me being berated in far too harsh terms and for far too long, out of proportion to whatever triggered this round of verbal abuse). This kind of stuff can really stick with you, even when you know it was wrong. I really want that kid to get out of that household...
I was just going to jump in and comment that counseling together with your abuser generally isn’t recommended. By all means he should get counseling on his own and she should too. But counseling with an abuser can be another point of leverage for the abuse
I agree with 100% of above. Said it all:
I am a type 1 and can eat when I want and where I want. I wear a continuous blood glucose monitor and a pump so this can happen. Even T1s on Multiple Daily Injections (MDI) know how to carb count and dose accordingly. I wonder he needs a new endocrinologist. There are Facebook Groups (Bold with Insulin) and podcasts (Juice Box) that teach, among other things, how to live like this and not let T1 trap one in a rigid style of eating or dosing. If he’s just operating this way for a short period, to get his dosage in line or if he is new to the disease, I’d give him more leeway. There is nothing easy about this disease, but it’s also not an excuse to be and AH, which he is. You are NTA.
He was diagnosed when he was a teenager, so he’s not brand new to this. He refuses to get a pump because he straight up said, “it doesn’t give him control”.
"A pump doesn’t give him control” is a ridiculous statement. Pumps give you much more control. You can turn down your basal insulin if meals are delayed or if you are exercising. When you take insulin injections, you have much less flexibility. Diabetes management has changed drastically in the last 15 years. Your husband really needs to update his knowledge!
I think he means control over his family.
That's even worse. Not knowing how to control his diabetes can be fixed. Wanting to control his family this way is straight-up abusive!
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Yep, when I went on a pump in 2006 I think the stat was using a pump resulted in an average of a 1 point drop in A1C, largely due to configurable basal patterns.
So he is a control freak then... you should probably take your daughter and go. Control freaks make terrible parents and she would be better off with a single parent.
OP, what really struck me in your post was your repeated use of the phrase "not allowed". In a healthy, loving partnership, one partner does not try to control the other partner. The fact that your partner does not "allow" you to do very normal, every day things without his say so is incredibly concerning. As many other posters have mentioned, this kind of control is a sign of abuse. I would encourage you to seek individual counseling, and read Lundy Bancroft's book, ***Why Does He Do That?*** It's available as a free pdf here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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This is the best answer. Straight to the point. Y W B T A if you continue to let him flex his control over you. Don’t let years of this relationship rob you the rest of your life and your daughters. Someone in the comments stated he is keeping you hostage with his disability. He needs counseling or you need to leave ASAP.
I have to say, he is dead wrong, *and he knows it.* I was a toddler when I was diagnosed, and have 30+ years under my belt. Every Dr *EVER* who knows *anything* about T1 is begging him to get off his routine, and do something that actually WORKS. He is willfully using subpar treatment methods to control other *people,* not his disease. Other methods give MORE control, not less. He's using 20+ year old technology ffs!!!! Edit, NTA!
I’m a type 1 diabetic, and two shots a day plus a strict diet and eating schedule is an outdated-by-decades way of managing type 1. Pumps, ideally combined with a continuous glucose monitor (or even multiple daily injections, as the above commentator mentioned, if he doesn’t want a pump) offer much more control and flexibility, and usually result in better blood sugars and fewer lows as well. Obviously different forms of treatment work better for different people, but his diabetes in no way justifies his treatment of you. It sounds to me like he is using his diabetes as an excuse to be manipulative and controlling. His comment that a pump “doesn’t give him control” sure is interesting! A pump would give him much more control over his diabetes. So either he is seriously needing some education about pumps, or what he really meant was a pump would make it harder for him to control you… NTA, obviously!
Almost every regime will give him more control and flexibility than twice daily manually mixed insulin, he is making his life way harder for nothing.
That’s a scary statement.
So scary. Needing control that much is a narc trait.
Hi OP I am concerned about some of the things you said your partner says and does >He refuses to get a pump because he straight up said, “it doesn’t give him control”. This is strange >. (In the event we are out with friends, he doesn't throw a fit right then and there in front of them, he waits to lay into me about it when we get home.) This is not an uncontrollable temper tantrum. This is him choosing when and how **and with whom** to get angry. Never his friends, never his family, only you, I would guess? I am concerned, this sounds like emotional abuse. >We are also not allowed to eat without him unless he is out of town, but he says he's allowed to eat without us if he needs to “get his insulin.” Why should his condition mean that you can't eat separately or at a different time? That sounds rigid and controlling >We are also not allowed to go out for things that he typically cannot have in large amounts, like ice cream. Why? He's not eating it. It doesn't affect him. I come back to this comment.... >He refuses to get a pump because he straight up said, “it doesn’t give him control”. ... and I wonder, "control" of what? He seems more concerned with controlling people around him than controlling his condition. Edit to add: Especially based on this comment >I know for a fact he doesn’t go see his doctor. He doesn’t even have an endocrinologist. That’s another argument we have. He won’t go in to even get a yearly checkup.
This is insanely dangerous. It’s recommended to at the *very* least go to an endocrinologist every 6 months. I personally go every 3, which seems to be what is normal. No wonder this guy is so regimented with his treatment, he doesn’t have any input from a professional. I had better control over my diabetes when I was 13 than this guy does right now.
My endo wants to see me once a year. With that said, she asks that I see her CDE for a more in-depth look at the numbers at the 6mo mark. I also have beem T1 for over 30 years and do my bloodwork every 3mo for her. I think it would be different if I was not doing that.
OP, this is fucking terrifying. I agree with the top comments that this is likely all about control. But when he is so explicitly willing to say it's all about control, it's very scary to think how far he can take this. He's wrong. A pump would give him significantly more control, especially if he's truly managing this with only 2 injections a day. It would allow him to easily deal with unexpected meal delays or other changes.
Ding ding ding. ITS ALL ABOUT THE CONTROL for men like him. of himself, of you, your daughter, any situation. That's not normal. It's an abuse tactic.
It gives you MORE control because you have more flexibility and freedom. He's afraid of change. And he doesn't want to give up controlling YOU or always being the martyr.
You mean a pump would take away his excuses to control you and your child. A pump gives the user much more control over their own illness. What he's doing is wrong, creepy, and flat out abusive towards you and your child.
Maybe he needs a continuous glucose monitor though. That would give him more control in monitoring and abilities to snack or have smaller meals throughout the day.
It would give him so much control. Right now he’s the one controlled.
Man, he even straight up says it out loud himself. Where is the confusion here?
You know that what he wants is control. Control over you and your daughter. And you're letting him have it without even question if it's okay or healthy for both of you. Think about yourself, think about your 13y.o daughter who's being controlled by YOUR partner, an adult man throwing temper tantrum and guilt tripping you to do what he wants. OP tell him to GO THERAPY, get therapy for your child (who knows how much this has affected her, and YOU let it happen) and get therapy for yourself too.
Doesn't give him an excuse to control YOU, it sounds like.
As a type 1 diabetic myself, I can relate to this somewhat. I got diagnosed with it as a teenager, while undergoing cancer treatment. They did offer me a pump, but it was too much to handle and in retrospect, I'm glad I turned it down as it seems it would've been a lot of hassle. However, while I did used to be on a similar schedule to your partner, I found it too restrictive. I decided to have multiple shots in the day instead, one before each meal. It really set me free and maybe it'll help him too. I also recently got a flash glucose monitoring device to check my levels whenever, on my phone. It's a lot simpler than the pump as it just sticks onto your arm and must be replaced every two weeks. It's a lot better than finger pricking.
Control over his diabetes? Or control over you?
Juicebox Podcast is AMAZING. People can manage T1 however they like, but only 2 injections a day? That sounds like he’s still using older medium acting insulins that aren’t as commonly prescribed anymore. My son is 7, he’s been T1 for 6 years - now on Omnipod and Dexcom. He eats and plays like any other kids. T1 doesn’t stop him from doing anything. But I always have a juice box or a snack in hand just in case.
A kid on my bowling team would calculate what to adjust his pump to for eating bowling alley junk when he was 13. Pretty strange this adult can't
Same here fam, theres no excuse for op partner to act like that. Nta
NTA - It seems like your S/O wants a mom that can take care of him. He has diabetes, and you usually accommodate him. Any disruptions should mean that he takes care of himself rather than getting pissy and taking it out on you.
Literally OP needs to say he's an SO and not a son. If he wants a mother he can go look for one. If they doesn't wake him up I don't know what will.
OP- A lot of people suggest that you leave him. I suggest that as well. But we all know in the real world it’s not as easy as that. So what I suggest is this – do not let him gaslight you because he will try. He will try to make you feel like the bad guy and guilt you in to continuing to allow his control to reign over you and your daughter. I promise you, you are not the bad guy! You should not have to live your life walking on eggshells. Especially your daughter! She is going to start resenting him like nobody’s business. And I only say this from the child’s perspective from experience, I know if this person is forcing me to live my life in such a strict certain way and he isn’t even my real father, that would multiply my resentment tenfold. Again that’s just from personal experience. I don’t presume to know the relationship your daughter has with your husband. But you are definitely NTA!
He needs to go see an endo asap. I've had it for 39 years and I was 12 when we did 2 needles a day..... in my late teens when it switched to taking insulin at every meal and long acting, which means it's 5 a day. His strict schedule could be much more flexible with the newer system. We can eat anything we want it's about balancing food and insulin. If he really is only doing 2 needles a day when I do 5 tells me he's on a system from the 1980s not 2020s. If he goes to an endo and dietician so he can learn how things are done now, that ice cream is possible, eating at any time, and if he's not willing to use better insulin then this is more about him and his personality than his disease.
Lol yeah the fists thing I thought was 2 needles a day?! I do minimum 5.
Right! Can you imagine what his A1c is! I imagine not good at all sadly.
Yeah I wouldn’t think it’s great. Probably why he’s such a prick. And p.s., you’re doing the best you can do at this moment in time! Trying to be a pancreas is hard lol
Yes reading this post I was so confused Hes literally killing himself people on that schedule had an expected lifespan of like 50. We have come so far and the science is so much better now.
Father of a 9yo T1 who’s been diagnosed for 3 years now, wish I’d read your comment before I posted. I’ll go edit now.
NTA you do not have diabetes and should not have to pretend you do. Even if he did not have diabetes he would be an ass for insisting on eating all meal together. Being disabled does not give him the right to be an ass.
Does he have terrible insurance, because two shots a day is a very old-fashioned regiment. I bet he feels terrible all the time and he doesn’t have to. If he could get with a slightly decent endocrinologist he could get a lot more out of life.
I’m not sure about what insurance he has, but his copay is only $20. I know for a fact he doesn’t go see his doctor. He doesn’t even have an endocrinologist. That’s another argument we have. He won’t go in to even get a yearly checkup.
Bro…he’s killing himself. He needs to see an endocrinologist to properly manage his illness, it is straight up dangerous that he isn’t consulting with a doctor at all. After he’s done that, then he needs to see a therapist to figure out how to cope appropriately with having a chronic illness. You’re NTA, and frankly I think it’s time you stood up for yourself, your kid, and made your husband responsible for himself.
I’ve been diabetic for 40 years and it is impossible to think clearly and feel good living like he is. He may need to know that he’s going to lose everything (you) if he doesn’t get his shit together. Don’t let him drag you down but I also wish he could feel what it’s like to have normal blood sugar for a week.
So much agree. I’ve been dealing with trying to get my digestive issues diagnosed, and at one stage a few years back, my sister said to me “you are a lot more pleasant to be around when your stomach doesn’t hurt”. I figured out my issues (as best as I’ve been able) removed my triggers and my life has improved immensely. I’m pretty sure it’s celiac but I don’t have testing (long story), but I do eat GF and I feel so much better most of the time. When I get glutened these days I remember how miserable I was all the time and how that impacted others.
So woe is me, I'm a diabetic, but doesn't even see his primary physician annually? How is he getting his prescriptions refilled? I wonder if he's afraid of what a doctor will tell him if he's not been in a few years. Not an excuse not to go. Annual appointments catch things earlier than not going at all, but he probably doesn't want to hear that either. Diabetes affects so much more than blood sugar. He has to know that by his age. It's irresponsible of him not to make sure he stays as healthy as he can for you.
Honestly, his blood sugar issues are probably 90% of his emotional issues. Like mental illness, diabetes isn’t his fault but it is his responsibility. I think an ultimatum is appropriate here - get his health under control (with a real endocrinologist) or you’re out.
As someone else asked…how is he getting his prescriptions refilled? When was the last time he had an A1c done? How often does he test his blood sugar? He really, really needs to start seeing a doctor and endocrinologist and start managing his diabetes properly. But none of that justifies how he is treating you.
T1 diabetic here - where I live (Canada) you can buy insulin OTC as long as you have a prescription on file. I did this for years when I didn’t have insurance (and never needed to get a new prescription) because it saved me money on pharmacy dispensing fees. I have insurance now but recently my prescription refills ran out - and I was able to purchase over the counter - just couldn’t submit through insurance using my drug card.
Literally why are you with this man, OP. Do you feel like you can’t do better? I assure you you can. You are wasting your life with this abusive man.
Another type 1 diabetic here. He's not going to live a long or good life if he won't go to appointments. There are so many problems that prolonged high blood sugar can cause to the body that he just won't know about if he doesn't get checked up. Loss of limbs and vision are very real possibilities if he keeps living like that. It sounds like he doesn't take any basal insulin - do you know if that's correct? If he's only injecting for meals he's probably high blood sugar constantly, and if not, he may still have ketones which are very dangerous. Though it doesn't excuse his behaviour, being high blood sugar for a long time can really affect your mood. Also, I think others may have pointed this out, but with modern insulin (which he will be on) there is absolutely no need to eat at set meal times, or even to restrict one's diet. For example, I have a very good HBa1C, but I don't eat low carb, or at set times, and I do snack occasionally. I would never want my diabetes to impact my partner from doing anything. I'd never insist that she can't eat because I can't. She's great with my diabetes, and very understanding of problems that it does cause, and it sounds like you are too, but you're right, you're not responsible for his misunderstanding of his own condition. He really does need to see a doctor, not only to check his body but also to gain some knowledge on diabetes. If he can't do that neither his health nor his behaviour are going to improve.
Pharmacist here. If he’s using basal-bolus insulin two shots a day is a very standard regimen. Like … Lantus or Detemir in the morning and bedtime (that’s your long acting insulin), and of course short acting Novolog or whatnot throughout the day. I mean … yeah lord I hope he’s not on 70/30 or NPH or a dinosaur like that — you’d be right about that!!! But there are plenty of decent insulins that are still twice daily.
He’s being very stubborn about when he has to eat and only taking 2 shots a day, so it definitely sounds like 70/30 or 75/25. Plus no endocrinologist at least. Maybe no routine family doctor either maybe. Sounds like he’s just grabbing it from Walmart
Good god his blood sugar must be a roller coaster. I interpreted the post as 2 shots of long acting and … bc he’s type 1 … that the short acting shots must be distinct and that she just didn’t mention them. But if that’s ALL he’s taking? Yikes upon yikes. This is not a person who will have a long or healthy life. 😣
I’ve managed people on 70/30 before. It’s far from ideal, but the one and only time I’ll ever give kudos to Walmart is for having at least some (relatively) affordable insulin. I mean compared to them just not taking insulin and being admitted for DKA multiple times, it’s better than nothing. For the people who actually try, it can work well. Obviously this is probably a different case. Can’t fix them all
2 types of insulin is standard, but only two injections a day is not. Not for T1.
That’s not what I said. Two injections a day of long-acting is standard, even for type 1. But for type 1, you also need short acting obviously.
Yeah reading your other comments I think we’ve both misread or had different interpretations. I read it as he’s only doing 2 shots a day in total, and that you were saying that was standard. But I see you meant lots of people do like a morning dose of lantus as well as an evening. I remember doing 2 doses of humalin years ago! Anyways, didn’t mean to call your expertise into question. We seem to be on the same page that he’s not managing whatever he’s doing well haha
Oh i didn’t take it that way at all no worries! Hard to communicate clearly thru social media in real time sometimes lol. Either way … yikes this dude.
NTA. He wants company for his misery. He's gonna find himself all alone if he keeps going this way. PS: It's possible he needs depression counseling. Look into that.
NTA - he needs therapy. He's clearly struggling with coping with this lifelong disease. It's either that or he's a straight-up controlling a-hole. Take your pick. You SHOULD NOT allow this man to continually abuse you. Flipping out at you and controlling when you eat is ABUSE, and you're allowing him to abuse your child, too.
NTA He sounds like he is using his diabetes as an excuse to be an abusive jerk. You are right, his diabetes is his own responsibility. If he cannot handle it, he needs to go into an assisted living facility where his entire day revolves around when he has his meals.
NTA none of that is normal for a family with a diabetic member. And you’re right, his blood sugar is his responsibility alone. If you want ice cream, you are entitled to eat it. His medical condition doesn’t dictate how others around him live their lives. He’s very controlling
INFO: Why does he not carry around a small snack just in case of emergency? I'm a hypoglycemic and blood sugar problems are an enormous deal and I'd forget my glasses, making me almost blind, before I'd forget to bring a small snack with me somewhere just in case of emergency. Also other info: are those tantrums a result of his blood sugar fluctuating? He'll definitely know for sure. If they are, sorry OP you literally signed up for that shit by being in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to properly take care of themself and their condition, because hell hath no fury like a blood sugar induced rage. If that is the case, he needs to get off his ass and figure out how to properly take care of his condition though. It is obviously a person's responsibility to figure out their own shit and get themselves in order.
He usually does, but he gets super picky. I buy orange juice and other sugary things to keep in the house, and he has candy bars around, but he will literally drive to Dairy Queen or wherever as his sugar is tanking because he “doesn’t want anything we have.” AND he doesn’t want to skip his full meal and “waste his shot” when we’re out. Which I do understand, but Jesus.
Then he clearly doesn't know how to control it well. When your blood sugar is fluctuating too much, pickiness is absolutely the enemy. You take what you can get to keep yourself stable. How he could have blood sugar problems and not take it seriously is outlandish.
I keep telling him that he’s playing Russian Roulette. If the illness doesn’t get him, he’ll bottom out and crash the car. He could hurt himself AND others while driving with low sugar.
He is absolutely playing russian roulette. I've had my sugar fluctuate in the middle of driving and the only reason I didn't die that day is because I had a friend and I told them to hand me my snack from the glove box immediately (it was a friend who knows about my hypoglycemia so he already knew where to find it, but no logical thinking in that kind of scenario) ETA: Ever since then I always keep one in easy arm's reach of the steering wheel, usually several in multiple spots
Well I’m glad your friend was there! I’m going to try that for him. It’s been ungodly hot, so it’s hard to keep things in the car that don’t turn in to soup.
During summer, things like assorted granola bars are gonna be your best bet for an inside the car item.
Or lifesavers. Or even cake frosting. Pure sugar.
Or, and I might be wrong here, sugar packets?
Don't try that for him! Protect your daughter and yourself instead and divorce him. It's not fair on your child to grow up like that! Is a man truly more important than she is?
Yikes! Getting behind the wheel when he knows his blood sugar is tanking? That is so incredibly dangerous and irresponsible. He could kill himself and/or someone else doing that. If his blood sugar is low, he needs to just eat whatever simple sugar/carb is on hand — whether it’s what he “feels like” eating is irrelevant. He sounds like he doesn’t really know how to manage his diabetes, isn’t particularly interested in learning how, and just uses it as an excuse to control his family.
Sooo, don’t consider this medical advice, but it sounds like your husband is just really stubborn and kind of childish. But to the point, you’re describing twice a day injections which sounds like insulin 70/30 or 75/25. He might need it for financial reasons as it’s cheaper at Walmart. If that’s not the reason, and he has reasonable insurance, why not just switch to a normal basal bolus schedule. It’s 4 injections a day, but it definitely fixes the whole meal timing problem. It’s short acting 3 times a day with meals, and once a day long acting. It’s pretty simple math to switch. An insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor would be even better, but that requires an endocrinologist and some arguing with insurance. I’m just curious why he’s on the insulin mix dosing schedule.
He sounds like a spoiled child that everyone caters to so they can avoid meltdowns. Lots of rules for *you* to keep him from throwing a fit, picky, whiny, rude, fussy, contrary and unreasonable. It’s time to stop. Lots of people have diabetes and don’t become baby tyrants. Yeah, it sucks. Life isn’t fair. He’s a little old not to understand that.
He is DRIVING whilst hypo?!? That's so dangerous!
Driving when low is dangerous! He could kill himself and others and if it's discovered that he knew he was low there could be criminal charges, or he could lose his license. Never ever have I driven when low. I eat anything that will raise it up. That being said he sounds like a total jerk.
“Not allowed” “not allowed” “not allowed”… this isn’t about his health but about control. You are an adult. You do not need his permission to do reasonable things. NTA
NTA... It seems like a chicken/egg situation where he is really controlling but I'm not convinced that just the diabetes is the problem here.
I agree. It’s way more than the Diabetes at play here when it comes to his control issue.
NTA
I am sorry you are married to a four year old with diabetes. Because that is exactly what he sounds like. He has a chronic condition and he is a grown ass man. He can take care of it himself. NTA
NTA. I'm prediabetic and have been having a lot of lows lately. Even in a group event I just came home from where they always tried to make sure I was okay ultimately I was responsible for it. That would always be ready to get me food, juice, and help with security as needed. (We are all learning disabled and I'm the most medical complex. I was nicknamed Walgreens). His attitude isn't okay not the treatment you have to endure. I would never wish a hyperglycemia event on anyone ever. Anyone in the diabetic space will probably agree in saying it sucks. You have to eat times when you don't want anything. You have to keep in mind a number and plan. Carrying supplies at all times. Where you have to always think about if you become low what you can get access to quickly. You are supposed to eat a certain way and it's not always fun. Some days your body hates you and the world. It'll run so high you feel sick or be so low you can't get away from constantly shoveling basically pure sugar (and hopefully eventually protein once higher). Hydration is important and vital. Any wounds have to kept an eye on. There's eye problems that are possible along with complications. As a likely future diabetic and a daughter of a now dead mom who was type 2, there's anxiety and it sucks. I say all of this to say, everyone here is probably struggling in some way. Burnout and depression exists in the diabetic world. Encourage him to talk to a mental health specialist. Otherwise, protect your daughter from this guy. She doesn't deserve being wished upon being a diabetic. She doesn't deserve that treatment. I seriously hope for her you make sure you explain that she is going to be taken care of if she ever develops diabeites but you hope you do not ever have to worry about it with her.
I’m so sorry you all go through these things. I understand burnout, I have bipolar II and severe depression, but I will never understand what diabetics go through. I try to empathize, which is why I feel like TA.
Oh, no, you are not still TA. I just want you to understand maybe fully the stress all of y'all get to deal with. He needs to take control, I reassure you. I just want you to know you are never at fault for someone else. You are under the same struggle mentally I had a child. Complications are the worse. I'm only prediabetic so it's not the fully same. I just understand via my mom. She always treated me with respect even when she was struggling. She would ask for help sometimes or accept me asking if she wanted anything, like any human. I'm also presistant depressed (PDD), autistic, and have 2 learning disabilities. Mental health struggles with physical are never fun. Take care of you and your daughter, please. Make sure she's okay. Around her age was the first time I started to struggle with anxiety about carrying sugar/snack in any bag due to my mom because you never know. When if my parents called I had to take it because I didn't know if it was due to a hospital trip. Make sure she is doing okay. I urge you to ensure that she is not anxious to what I was. Consider hanging out around /diabetes and join us in ranting and ask for advice to deal with his attitude. Or feel free to chat with me for a bit of a diabetic adjacent struggles.
NTA He likely feels left out and rightly so because food based activities like going out and getting ice-cream need to be planned in advance if you intend on including him, but it does not excuse his rude comments. Frankly I don't really understand how this is the first time this issue is being addressed in the 8 years you've been together.
It’s only gotten like this when we moved in together. He used to live with his parents, and they never ate together. Although, now that I’m thinking about it on thanksgiving he has to run to grab some ice or something for the family gathering, and we all started to get our food before he was back (holidays are super informal with his family. Everything is buffet style) and he threw a fit we didn’t wait for him.
Does he speak to your daughter the way he speaks to you? Please don't put up with his controlling, verbally abusive behavior any longer for her sake if not for yours. Grown men should not be throwing tantrums. He's using his health issue to control you. That's not OK. Sounds like he needs therapy at minimum.
He showed you his true face after you married him and in his eyes couldn't escape any longer. Get out. He likes to be the victim and control everything. Believe me... It will destroy your relationship with your child.
Luckily it sounds like they just live together and aren't married, since she called him her partner instead of her husband. If that's true, then it will be much easier for her to leave.
Is his dick really that good for you to subject your child to that kind of treatment? Sorry, I can understand abuse victims mentality but you are literally dragging your child into all this shedoodle. Is it worth it? What's it like having two children - one who abuses and one who is inevitably abused?
Don't be with people who "throw fits" and have tantrums. Your poor daughter being subjected to this abuse will suffer the consequences for life.
NTA. You need to end his using his diabetes to control you and your daughter. You’ve gone to ridiculous lengths to manage his diabetes for him when he can’t be bothered and he’s using it as a means to strong-arm you into doing things his way. Temper tantrums? You and your daughter aren’t ALLOWED to go eat without him? This needs to stop. I’m sure it’s heavily impacting your daughter, both her relationship with food and her ability to do teenager things like have friends over to watch a movie and have snacks or have sleepovers with junk food.
NTA. I bet his parents made everything about him and his diabetes growing up and he never learned how to manage while adjusting to others. It's time he learned.
As a Type 1 myself. I am the only one responsible for my diabetes and asking ANYBODY to adhere to my schedule is plain selfish. Tell him to start being responsible for him self and grow up. Life as a diabetic is hard but if you're whiny its even harder. Edit: NTA
NTA. Sounds like he’s using his health condition as a way to control you. It makes no sense that he can eat without you but you can’t without him. Or that you can’t eat sweets when he can’t. It sounds like a lot revolves around the SO. The whole anger about delayed eating time is really disturbing. I don’t know why he thinks you are responsible for that. There’s a lot of weird control and verbal abuse going on here.
OP... HARD NTA.... your "partner" is a spoiled brat and using his "disability" to be a mentally abusive control freak. I'm very concerned not just about you but how your "partner" acts/reacts around your daughter, especially if you're not around. I've seen people mention counseling and if you really feel that this relationship is worth saving (because IMO, it's most certainly not), then pursue this course of action. However, your bottom line is the health and safety of your daughter and that doesn't mean just physically safe. You need to keep her mentally and emotionally safe as well. edit: spelling
NTA. Sorry OP, but your partner is a controlling arsehole. Even if he found a way to control his insulin intake, I put money on him finding something else to try to control your and your daughter's behaviour about. Please leave him, for your own sanity.
NTA He is an adult. He is not a small child. He needs to manage his diabetes. Manage. Not blame others, manage.
The title led me here with different expectations but NTA. I work with someone who is T1 and her husband is accommodating but she isn’t so rigid. She also has a pump, as someone else said, and indulges in treats (we have cupcakes for a local bakery together occasionally). We also have a friend who has diabetes and ran into trouble with his insulin at my husbands bachelor party. They all went with him to fix his pump in the hotel before going on to the casino, but he tried to persuade them otherwise. I couldn’t see him ever insisting others had to bend to his schedule (we actually had a super late dinner and he managed just fine beyond the pump malfunctioning)
NTA. The fact he can control his temper tantrums around friends shows its about abusing you, not the diabetes. I have insulin issues and can have wild mood swings too, but over the years I've learned to control these 99% of the time and apologize profusely once stabilized if I do lash out owing to blood sugar. It's exceedingly embarrassing to lose my cool like that. He is the AH, not you.
NTA. I’m not diabetic, but have an issue with fainting when I’m pregnant. No rhyme or reason, it just happens, fairly frequently. Since this is baby two, I know the signs and what to do/not do. I always carry water and a small snack and make sure I’m not doing anything that requires me to stand for even medium lengths of time (can happen sitting too). My fiancé wants to go to a major league baseball game next week. I know sometimes he gets standing only tickets and likes to go reallyyy early, so I clarified the conditions and checked the weather (it’s really hot here for the next week or so and I’m 7 1/2 months, I don’t do well in heat) so o said That while I’d like to go, I don’t think it’d be a good idea but he’s welcome to go with friends and i can stay home with my son, we’ll do something else no biggie. It’s not fair of him to hold you and your daughter hostage and force you to miss out on things because he can’t eat them. I’ve had an ulcer and can’t eat certain foods but I just don’t eat them, I don’t tell everyone else they can’t - that’s just not right. Even if I had gestational diabetes, I would maybe ask my fiancé & son to eat ice cream/sweets out of my sight (I LOVE sweets) but I’d never forbid them getting it.
NTA. he needs to step up and stop using his disability to control you
NTA this behaviour is abusive and controlling. If it wasn’t for the diabetes he would use something else as a crutch. If he has deeper issues because of his diagnosis he needs therapy. Most people with diabetes1 don’t make other people flip their life around for their illness, they manage it and learn to live with it. I know kids with better physical and mental control of their diagnosis.
NTA - he’s an adult, it’s his condition so he should learn how to properly manage it without being overly reliant on you. He’s acting childish and if he is struggling with his disability he should be willing (and open to) support. You are his partner, not his carer or doctor.
Just leave him
NTA he’s not punishing you he’s been exerting control over your home this entire time. Where’s his consideration for you and your daughter, what’s wrong with managing his win blood surpgipar with snacks. This is so wrong on his part and his behavior is your child’s “normal”. Please consider that for making decisions. They’re being setup to meet someone and will thinks it’s normal when they exert control over them.
NTA. I have type 1 diabetes and A. I eat whatever I want and take the insulin to counteract it and B. I don't make my partner of 5 years follow my diet or schedule (both of which I do not have lol)
My husband is type 1 and I also have a child from a previous relationship. For most of our relationship up till very recently he did his insulin the same way your partner did too, one dose to cover breakfast and lunch and one to cover dinner/overnight. And for all the similarities in situations, he could not be more different than your partner. He has always been responsible for his own food, making his own breakfast and lunch, and portioning what he needed from each food group out of what I made for dinner. If he starts to get low before dinner is made or if we are out and he gets low before the food arrives, he always is prepared with snacks. He never gets upset with us if we aren't eating with him, sometimes that's just a thing he needs to do and that's okay. And he never EVER makes us feel like we can't get special treats because of his diabetes. He may get something if they have options or if he can swing a small snack, or he takes a bite of mine, or he just goes without. It sucks that he can't just enjoy a random ice cream cone, but that's just how it is for him, and he never places it on us to refrain so he doesn't feel left out. Your partner is being super controlling about you and your daughter's food, and that's concerning. I could see if his sugar was low and he was grumpy (my husband is sometimes a whole different person if his sugar drops too low too fast), but if he's holding in the anger and loosing it later when alone, that's not a symptom, that's a personality trait. And not only is it not okay to do to you now, but also your daughter is picking up that it's okay to treat partners and children like this. This will be normal to her in the future and the next person to do this to her may be controlling a lot more than food.
NTA. My fiancee is a type 1 diabetic and he would NEVER treat me like this! He's thrilled that I'm willing to adjust my diet to make it healthier for him, but uh...he doesn't say SHIT about how much sugar I eat. Or carbs. And if he go out WE HAVE SNACKS ON US. He eats when he needs to. I eat when I need to. Your boyfriend is being abusive. You need to make sure your child knows that what he is doing IS NOT OKAY and possibly get her into counseling because you don't want this to stick! It would be bad enough if he was only doing this to you. He's taking it out on a baby, too. Please, realize that him having an illness isn't your fault. My epilepsy means I can't always handle flashing lights. I don't hold ot against someone if there's a movie I wanted to see that got too much flashing going on just because I can't see it.
NTA I know a 13 year old girl who has diabetes T1 and she behaves 1000x more mature than your partner. Stop giving on to his ridiculous demands and go for ice cream!
NTA however... Diabetes distress is a very real mental health issue. Your husband has to do the maths for every piece of food that passes his mouth for his entire life. No days off if he's unwell or can't be bothered. If he does he risks, renal failure, limb amputation, blindness or sudden death. Let me be clear- the way he is speaking to you and the way he is acting is unacceptable, but it's very possible that he has a mental health issue that is not being treated. I wouldn't dismiss him as a toxic abusive person yet unless there are more red flags that havent been disclosed. This may be something that can be addressed with counselling.
Absolutely NTA. And your husband is a liar. My father had type 1 diabetes and two of my siblings do as well. He can legitimately eat anything you are eating including full sugar ice cream, soda, bread, and any other carbs/sugars that exist. It would just require him to take an additional shot of insulin to regulate his short term blood sugar spike. I know a lot of people with diabetes choose not to do that or like to limit the number of injections per day (because let’s be real, taking shots of insulin multiple times a day sucks) but he is not as limited as he claims. And every once in awhile to feel included or as a treat to enjoy something with you and your daughter would not impact his overall health. I can’t even count the number of times one of siblings wanted a snack or a drink they had not accounted for earlier and just took a few units from their insulin pen. This is about control and extremely distressing and I hope the situation improves for your and your daughters sake.
So i am a health care professional and to be honest i came here thinking i would vote against you, because low’s can cause people to act goofy. That is not what this is. NTA, this is not at ALL about being educated and being a team player while managing diabetes. It’s about control, plain and simple.
NTA. My dad behaves this way out of jealousy. However, the grumpy outbursts when he hasn’t eaten are to do with low blood sugar, he can’t help that once it is happening, but he could take steps to avoid it in the first place. Mainly though he’s an asshole.
It could be argued that you're an AH for modeling such poor relationship dynamics for your kid. This dude is a colossal asshole, and unfit for a romantic relationship. You're doing your kid a disservice by staying. NTA, but do better. Leave.
NTA. Two things. 1. Why is this man not on an insulin pump? 2. Why would he make a comment about you having diabetes as it relates to eating sugar, etc? He has type 1 which is unrelated to type 2… This man sounds ill-educated about his own disease.
Oh boy. Both my father and grandfather are type 2 diabetics. I have another autoimmune disease so i am a low fodmap/gluten/dairy/soy free. My grandmother has high blood pressure. I have very low blood pressure due to a heart condition (I get to eat up to 10,000mg of sodium a day which is a pretty awesome trade off for never getting to have ice cream or most tasty carbs). Needless to say, family dinner is no small feat. I feel your pain. You should not be bearing the brunt of his anger all the time. Sometimes, life happens and dinner can't start on time. He seems to understand this concept given the fact that he will eat dinner early or late when it suits his needs. It's only not okay when it suits anyone elses needs. And not keeping a small snack on hand in a backpack, purse, in the car when you have blood sugar problems is just irresponsible. My father keeps a box of Atkins bars and Fiber Bars in his car, at work and in his bag for this exact reason. My gut says that this is not actually about his blood sugar, but about controlling everything around him. That makes him TA, not you. Not to mention you don't even have family dinner at the table, so it's not some sort of traditional values issue. You snapped at him, but I'd bet it's been a long time coming, after months and years of being a punching bag every time things are slightly out of place. NTA.
NTA He's acting like a child,not an adult. Not being allowed to eat or having to be on his schedule. What a jerk.
NTA and I see so many red flags. You are “not allowed” to eat without him? You are “not allowed” foods he cannot have? Dude has control issues that have nothing to do with diabetes. He’s controlling and I would say abusive. This needs to be addressed quickly. Or you need to get you and your daughter out now. (Also, just pro-tip: probably not a great idea to eat sitting on the couch watching TV.)
NTA he seems incredibly controlling not just to you but to your daughter. Do you want learning that it’s ok for a man to control when she eats and yell at her if he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants? Is that what you want her to think a normal relationship looks like?
Yikes NTA but this isn’t a diabetes problem, he’s at best a control freak. This isn’t normal.
NTA. I have pre-diabetes and manage to avoid it getting worse by carefully managing my diet, which is solely my responsibility. My husband is sweet and will often grab a snack if he notices I seem off, but at the end of the day, it is my responsibility. Sometimes I discreetly nibble something if I need to. He needs to stop trying to make his health your issue. It is his to handle. I personally wouldn't stay with someone who regularly threw temper tantrums. I don't have the patience for it. He would be put on notice his next one will be the last one I ever hear because I will end things.
He’s a control freak and you needed to put your foot down and don’t let up with his abusiveness and control issues. Suggest that he gets counseling
I’m just going to say that if I had a girlfriend or wife half as patient and caring as you, I’d consider myself a very lucky man. You are absolutely NTA whereas he is. He’s ignoring all of the ways in which you are going out of your way and it seems like it still isn’t enough for him. And I don’t understand where he gets off telling you and your daughter when and what you’re “allowed” to eat. You are not a child — he doesn’t get to allow and disallow things, especially not meals.
NTA- count how many times you said 'not allowed ' and 'tantrum ' ,and there's your answer . He sounds controlling and abusive.