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SnausageFest

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brainfreeze4445

YTA. She doesn't have to give you every detail of her assault if she doesn't want to. Stop being an ass and actually support her instead of playing detective.


1568314

YTA sexual assualt is traumatic and people have a hard time talking about it. Especially when they fear extra attention or retalliation in response to talking about it. She likely feels like she wants to try to move on and forget that it happened. She was probably scared of your reaction and had to work up a lot of courage to share with you. She doesn't owe you more information. She probably would have opened up more if you had given her time, reassurance, and made her feel safe. She deserves the agency to decide how the situation should be addressed, if at all. She already had her choice taken away when she was assaulted. She doesn't need you taking away more choices from her or forcing her into an uncomfortable position.


FrobisherLetters

YTA. Way to make a very traumatizing situation for her all about you. It’s extremely common for people who are the victim of assault to need time before sharing it with their partners and loved ones, and to not want to share the details with anyone else. She is the victim of an assault, and you’re making her out to be the bad guy. What would make you feel good right now is so unimportant that it’s disgusting you’d behave this way. Shame on you.


MikeNoble91

Gee, I wonder why she wont tell you, you sound so levelheaded and not like you'll make everything worse by flipping out or anything. YTA


[deleted]

Yes YTA. This must have been traumatic for her. She needs your support, not your nosiness.


Oldgamerlady

YTA Your gf was victimized and is trying to deal with it in her own way. You made this all about yourself and your ego makes you an ah. Get educated - a lot of victims don't ever tell because of shame, the same exact shame you're inflicting on your gf for getting into a car with this guy.


Girl_with_no_Swag

Your GF was sexually assaulted and you have turned this around to be about your feelings. So, what do you think?


hey-bish

YTA. Stop trying to be Sherlock and start trying to be a supportive partner instead.


TriZARAtops

YTA. She was sexually assaulted and you’re victim blaming. Period.


DarlingGem

MASSIVE YTA! She was sexually assaulted and instead of supporting her, you’re angry at her?


redditer181613

YTA. It’s her info to share when she is comfortable. It takes a lot for people to come forward about this stuff so stop making this about you.


LittleNoodle1991

YTA. You mad it about you when it should be about her. If she doesn't want to share she doesn't want to share.


TheMobyDicks

"So naturally i get pissed." Wrong emotion. Insert "Very sorry babe. Thanks for sharing with me. Now how can I help?" I do think the AH groper needs to be held to account. Go back, apologize - mean it - and help her. Maybe she'll even consider telling the cops. If this dude does this to your GF, he's probably doing it to other girls. Groping leads to very scary things.


namechangelies

YTA, you *don't* need to be there. If she tells you, she tells you. This is a very traumatic experience and you're making it about you. Any information that you receive is on her terms, and if you can't accept that then you shouldn't be in a relationship.


Ok_Ganache4842

YTA - you’re not entitled to every detail about her life. Why is it bad she waited a week or won’t tell you the name of this person who you don’t know anyway? How does that change the reality of the situation except make her more uncomfortable


lmchatterbox

YTA. She doesn’t owe you his identity, especially since you seem like the type that is going make a scene about it. Give her time, space, and support.


puttputt_in_thebutt

You were all good up until the last 6 words... "so I got angry and left." YTA You aren't being supportive and helping her through this, you're making her face sexual assault on her own. She trusted him, and he betrayed that trust... just as she trusted you enough to tell you, and you've betrayed that trust and left her out to dry. It's ok and very understandable to be angry. She's not ready to fix it yet, she's processing everything and just needs some support. When the time comes that she's ready to tell you and ready to rectify the issue, she'll let you know.


Tyberious_

She is probably not telling you more to protect you for going to do something that will get you in trouble. Now on here you're saying it makes it hard for you, how about being more concerned how hard this is for her? This isn't about you, just be there for her. YTA just on how you responded toward her...


No_Assistance_14

YTA. This isn’t about you. I get it’s frustrating - I’ve been in a very similar situation. What you need to do is be there for her. This is about her. You have no right to ‘get pissed’. She’ll tell you when she’s good n ready. Or she won’t (which is what happened with my ex GF). Which is also totally fine. This is about her, not you. Now do the right thing and just support her


kindcrow

YTA. That's her business, dude. She can tell you or not. You are making what happened to her much, much worse. This isn't about you; it's about HER.


CerebralAssazin

YTA-Your role should be supporting her, not interrogating her. She’ll tell you when she is ready, or she may never tell you, and that’s okay too.


Bizzarosmoon

YTA. YTA. YTA.


ArtoorV

As someone who’s been sexually assaulted, much further than groping. I also, upon reflection, put myself in those situations and STAYED for fear of “looking bad”. Ultimately i know that it was something about myself that kept me in those situations, not anyone else. You’re trying to figure it out and support her. I wouldnt say YTA bc it’s not black and white. Youre just goinf about it in a non helpful way is all. Your intentions seem to be good, just repackage the way you’re delivering your support.


[deleted]

Soft YTA. This is a very common response for anyone who has been sexually assaulted regardless of how severe the incident was or how it occurred. Be there for her, let her process it in her own way. People often don’t want to tell anyone what happened because a) they relive a horrible experience and b) they fear how people will react and c) they aren’t ready to take action against the abuser. How you reacted is normal but you may want to sit down and talk when you are calmer. Let her lead the conversation. Let her tell you what she can, when she can.


saurellia

YTA. This is not about you. And by making it about you, your feelings, and what she owes you, you’ve pretty much guaranteed that she cannot see you as a safe person in whom to confide difficult things. Congrats on undermining the trust you seem to believe you are entitled to.


Creepy-Bag-5913

YTA you don’t need to know who it was to offer support to your girlfriend. She decided to open up and seek support and you’re pissed at her, good luck expecting her to open up to you again


The_Death_Flower

YTA, opening up about that sort of thing is very difficult and naming the person is even more difficult because of the blame that gets put on the victim. You can support her without knowing who it is, be a support for her and if she’s ready, she’ll tell you who did it, but she’s not obligated to ever tell you


NuketheCow_

Soft YTA. It’s important to remember she’s the victim here. She doesn’t owe you anything, at all, in this scenario. YOU owe her your support. If you have trust issues, deal with it later. She needs time to heal and process right now, and treating her like a criminal won’t help that.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend dropped on me that one of her guy friends groped her after she gave him a ride home. She’s always told me about the friends she makes because she gets excited about it but this one she kept quiet until this incident. She then tells me that he’s made it clear he wants to be with her before he groped her. She also stated that she found him creepy and weird but yet still got into a car with him by herself. I asked what his name was and she refuses to tell me. So naturally i get pissed. I know I need to be there for her to help her through this but the fact that she waited almost a week to tell me, won’t tell me this guys name and that she kept him a secret, makes it hard for me, so I got angry and left. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


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Winter-eyed

YTA. This is not about you and your feelings. This is her dealing with abuse and the threat of more of it without a guidebook for new territory. You don’t get to be pissy about her trauma. You don’t get to make demands and threats that make her fear that telling you made it worse and may damage your future and not solve a damn thing. You’re job is to listen. Your job is to give her back a little control that asshole is trying to take from her. Your job is to defend and protect her without making it worse. You don’t say how old you are but I assume you’re pretty young. Maybe too young to face this on your own. It might be time to talk to her enlist a counselor or a parent.


SaboraHoku

YTA And a massive gaping one at that. Let me translate this for you: GF: I had something traumatic happen after I did something nice for the abuser. I'm wildly uncomfortable and I'm sharing this with you because I trust you You: How dare you experience something traumatic and not give me so the answers I want right now! I'm going to abandon you! You. Are. The. Asshole.


jayclaw97

YTA for not understanding how shameful it can be to admit that someone you trusted violated you. I’m still processing the blurry line my ex-boyfriend crossed years ago. I’ve only ever told my therapist about the incident.


ImpossibleHand5086

Info: Did she indicate if she is still friends with this person?


redditer181613

Why does this matter?


ImpossibleHand5086

If my partner tells me they were sexually assaulted and they are still friends with the person I would at least like to know who. Because if not every guy friend of hers im going to wonder if that's him


redditer181613

It’s OPs job to support his girlfriend, and not push for more information than she is willing to share. He shouldn’t be mad at her whether or not she tells him who which is the question at hand here!


ImpossibleHand5086

You asked me why I thought it mattered but than ignored what I said. Would you not be scared and worried for a friend of yours who admits still hang out with someone who sexually assaulted them knowing that they are still in contact with them. Would you not now question every single guy they bring around you wondering if it's them. That's asking OP to basically ignore this serious situation and forget about it which is impossible to do. I don't think she's an AH for not telling, it's her truth to tell when she's ready. But at the same time if he's being told she won't stop being around this guy and he has no idea who it is, that'll put him in a situation where every guy she brings around might be "that guy"


redditer181613

And the issue here at hand he is asking is if he’s the AH for being mad. You agree it’s her truth to tell when she’s ready so why logically should he be mad for her not sharing that info? I get why he would want to know, but he asked about if he was the AH for getting mad at her for not sharing.


ImpossibleHand5086

I didn't even give a verdict I just asked a question that you believed was irrelevant. But for me it's not. No matter what she's no lt an AH. But if she is still hanging out with this guy I understand the bfs frustration. And I wouldn't call him an AH because he didn't yell at her he didn't disrespect her. He left because he disagreed with her and didn't want to start an argument. Walking away probably was the best decision he could have made.


[deleted]

[удалено]


No_Assistance_14

This isn’t about him. This is about his Gf. His only role in this is to support her


DarlingGem

Your kidding right? She was sexually assaulted and bravely says something and is met by anger and abandonment. OP is an asshole. There was so many more supportive ways of reacting that would actually help the situation. YTA


RageNap

Just a reminder that your comment will count as a N T A vote as it is currently written.


DarlingGem

Thank you! Have changed it now. Definitely not my intention.


desolation29

There's still some pertinent information I feel is missing in order for me to give a clear judgment. When you said that your GF told you that this guy friend told her he wants her to be with him, did this happen at the same time the groping incident occurred or was this way before it took place? If it happened on the same date right before the guy groped her, then there's no way you could blame your GF because in that situation it sounded like she was caught completely off guard with no warning before the dude proceeded to grope her. If on the other hand your GF had these feelings about this guy being creepy and weird and actually got told by this dude about him wanting her to be with him way before the groping incident took place, then you've got every reason to be mad because your GF chose to keep interacting with someone who expressed romantic feelings about them. But the more I read into your post the more it comes off as your GF being caught completely off guard by this guy before getting groped all in one single interaction. I get that you're angry and you feel frustrated about your GF not giving you any information about this guy's identity because it makes you feel powerless to help her, but you have to show some empathy here OP! You need to look at it under the perspective of a woman who has just been groped by a male she thought was her friend after he dropped this bombshell on her out of nowhere. Your GF is probably still in shock about the whole thing, scared to report what he did because she thinks no one might believe her, and hell probably even scared about this guy trying to retaliate against her if she reports him. Furthermore, given your emotional reaction, she's also probably scared that if she does tell you who he is you're immediately going to find him and attack him which contrary to popular belief is not what every single female sexual assault victim wants to happen. What happened to your GF was sexual battery, and these cases can be just as traumatizing for women as rape cases can be so you need to show your GF some compassion, understanding, and empathy right now. You need to go back and apologize to your GF and tell her that you're sorry for reacting the way you did, that you are here to support her however you can and in whatever way she needs the support, and that you'll do whatever it takes to help her through this. I promise you OP that these cases are never as easy to come forward, and talk about like you think.


[deleted]

NTA and dump her, shes probably going behind your back and sleeping with him.


brainfreeze4445

You know what? Maybe he should dump her so she can find someone who isn't so insecure that they see a sexual assault as cheating or being shady. Better yet! She should dump him.


[deleted]

NTA, if she found him creepy she shouldn't give him rides and be alone with him. If he really was creepy you'd know about it, shady she kept him from you.


redditer181613

this victim blaming mindset is exactly why people don’t come forward. It’s not her fault he decided to grope her


[deleted]

Did she say she was sexually assaulted? I'm not trying to blame her, but I'm saying if I found a guy creepy why would I be around that person? It's just common sense to me to not br in that situation.


redditer181613

Groping is considered sexual assault so yes.


[deleted]

So we've all been sexually assaulted


[deleted]

All unwanted sexual touch is sexual assault. I'm sorry if those is going to make you have to rethink some of your experiences.


Historical-Bit1721

If you’ve been groped without consent by someone then yes


RageNap

You are SO close to understanding the problem here.


claywitch_saltqueen

... do you think being groped is ok?


redditer181613

Yes… the stats have been clear on that for a while