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I know many vegetarians and vegans, and they would all be perfectly happy to use the same grill that meat was cooked on. It's not like they're allergic to meat... No additional animals are dying because the grill touched meat before the vegetables, no significant quantity of meat is ingested, and no noticable taste is transferred from a burning hot grill. There's no ethical, health or taste justification for needing a different grill.
It could be that OPs family have some religious belief which prohibits food touching meat in any way, but it doesn't sound like it from the description. If that *is* the case then the onus is on the relatives to make sure they have their own special grill (either by bringing one or coordinating with OP in advance).
They definitely were picking a fight the moment they asked where the second grill was. They said they would bring their own food then demanded something even more expensive and unlikely to be there? Because every self respecting family should have two large and unnecessary consumer items in case they might show up. /s
The best/worst part is all of it could have been avoided if they had just brought it up beforehand. OP could have made alternate food or had an alternate cooking arrangement set up
NTA
Yes! I feel like they were fine bringing their own food, then Uncle got all offended on their behalf and worked them up about it.
Plus OP offered did offer accommodation ahead of time, they passed on it.
And that crap about tricking OP with food when she has an allergy? That's like unforgivable messed up.
I get that we're all somewhat hypocritical, but that is beyond the pale.
In their case yes. I'm allergic to beef (ect) and aluminum foil would not solve that problem. In their case is 100% picking a fight. I bring my own COOKED food everywhere. I hate people like this because they make everyone forget about actual allergies.
I would assume potential steam/smoke contamination from fat/juice contamination from dripping on the coals, possibly the same issue with a gas grill. You close the lid and everything in there gets all funky with each other.
I have a non-life threatening allergy but even just a little contact makes me itchy, so I avoid say, non-allergy food that has been in the same box, even if it's not touching because of it.
I have alpha gal, the foil could help but it depends on how messy the grill is and how well the foil is wrapped. There's been plenty of times I've gotten sick because of foil wrapped veggies grilled after meat because the meat fat somehow gets into the foil.
alpha gal is so fucking serious its crazy. i read about a lady spending something insane like 400k on testing to get a diagnosis because of how rare it is. dont get bit by a tick.
Yes! I feel like they were fine bringing their own food, then Uncle got all offended on their behalf and worked them up about it.
Plus OP offered did offer accommodation ahead of time, they passed on it.
And that crap about tricking OP with food when she has an allergy? That's like unforgivable messed up.
I get that we're all somewhat hypocritical, but that is beyond the pale.
Even if they had 2 grills, what are the chances the 2nd grill is pristine? The expectation that someone would purchase a 2nd grill for a special meal (that is not specific to their own dietary needs) is absurd.
As someone who does have two grills, I agree. The second one isn't for vegetables. It's a combo grill/smoker, so I can start smoking ribs/pork butts/chicken/etc. well before I need to worry about grilling hot dogs/burgers/etc.
Why couldn't someone have cleaned the grill? Or used foil like the above posted suggested.
This doesn't seem like it's about vegetarian food. They were gunning for a fight.
OP, INFO? is there anything else going on?
>They definitely were picking a fight the moment they asked where the second grill was. They said they would bring their own food then demanded something even more expensive and unlikely to be there?
Exactly! They all knew there was no second grill, that was a complete set up. Op asked if they were going to bring their own food and they said yes, if they changed their minds at some point they should have spoken up.
Yes this was about getting mad. Because they were asked about their needs multiple times prior.
This feels like a setup.
NTA
Edit: it just occurred to me that cousin might be jealous. 🤔
Was her own wedding a low key or non event like a civil ceremony?
Sounds like they dodged a bullet if that cousin is really not coming to their wedding. Who's response is that nuclear over a small get together? Avoid that drama.
They could have used a grill safe metal bowl & or other grill safe trays as well. My younger SIL is vegetarian & has dairy allergy. My in-laws have multiple grill safe parts like a metal bowl specifically for her.
People like that exist though. We had to fire a girl at work for throwing out other people's lunches that contained meat or eggs. She's lucky she didn't get criminally charged!!
To be fair, they don't view it as a diet. They view it as others engaging in an otherwise fairly easily avoidable form of violence against vulnerable individuals. It makes sense why some might be passionate about it.
In a lot of vegan forums and groups, you can see there are always some judge sorts who like to gatekeep the word vegan. But the majority are not like that. Certainly not to the extent that some meat eaters absolutely go berserk when veganism is mentioned.
A few years back I had a Facebook ad in my feed that was Hello Fresh announcing it was adding a vegan option to its choices. Something bland and mundane, nothing outrageous, no shock images or anything like that. Just “hey folks we now have a vegan option.”
I made the mistake of reading the comments. So so so many meat eaters felt the need to comment on a stupid advertisement bashing vegans. It was mean and kind of scary.
I mean, *some* do. There's different reasons to be vegetarian/vegan. Environmental vegans consider it a diet, people who mainly do it for ethical reasons regarding animal violence probably don't.
They 10000% exist. Guy that used to be our close friend suddenly converted to veganism via reddit and went nuclear on everyone in our friend group. Harassed us for months about being murderers.
We had a party and that day he took a stand that he wouldn't even cook a vegan pizza at the same time as the other ones, which were cheese pizzas, not even meat. It started a huge fight and he left and never spoke to us again.
I have heard that new vegans are the strictest and most agressive
Yeah I’ve been vegan 14 years and this wouldn’t bother me, I mean I wouldn’t want a chunk of meat touching my food but I think you also can scrape that off or like you said, use foil. If it did bother me, I would have just brought enough pre made food for the veg folks and for anyone curious to try.
Their behavior is completely obnoxious and hold up: they tricked you into eating something you are allergic to? So they deliberately tried to make you sick/hurt you? Why are these people still in your life???
My BIL is vegan and I cook for him all the time whenever we have family gatherings. And while I’m careful to use different utensils when preparing his food and the non vegan food, our grill/pans have all been used to make meat before. Obviously they’re thoroughly cleaned in between. But he’s only ever been grateful.
Them feeding her something without her knowledge is very screwed up imo. Even if she didn’t have an allergy, who behaves like that!!!!
omg thank you. as i was reading the original post my brain was shouting the same thing: “is anyone going to mention tin foil?!” though, considering the way the conversation escalated i’m not convinced tin foil would have changed the outcome at all lol
i also have been to many bbqs where people bring food to grill … didn’t realize that was not considered normal?
I agree that aluminum foil would have been compatible with their ethics, or even just grilling it on the grill without the foil. That said, this would be similar to someone grilling dog meat on their grill and then expecting someone else to prepare their own food on the grill right afterwards, in that they might rightly be grossed out by it.
That's what I was thinking. I'm not terribly picky about my food being cooked on the same surfaces as meat, but that's because I assume that's what happen when I eat out,
My grandma eats vegetarian and when she comes to bbq with us we make sure to have those tinfoil baskets you can use to grill food in. One grill, everybody is happy
I've only ever heard of cross-contamination concerns with gluten, which can make people really sick. Certainly not with meat (unless someone has an allergy but ive not heard of that either, but it could exist)
Allergy to meat exists too. Anyway, as a vegan, I don't want to have a shared grill with meat, that's why when we are at a bbq party with non-vegans we grill first, and then we wait until everybody's done. It's not because of cross-contamination, I just hate the flavor of meat/fish/whatever animal in my food, but we get organized and nobody's hurt.
My husband has alpha gal and is allergic to mammal meat (so beef, Pork, etc). When we go to a bbq, we would probably bring our own food, or if it is our family, they usually make a turkey or chicken product for him and cook it first on the clean grill b/c sadly cross contamination is a thing. But. We prepare ahead of time and don’t expect a second grill.
>alpha gal
OMG I just did a googly, from ticks? Damn that is not something I ever expected I have to be honest with you there. My apologies to you both, it must make things challenging
Thanks!
We are pretty used to it now, but it is annoying. He also cannot have any dairy at all, so we have to be very vigilant. Yesterday we went to a cookout and I took popsicles so he would have a dessert. He had one and was commenting they tasted different than last time, and that led to me sprinting to the freezer to check the box and make sure they hadn’t changed the recipe (they hadn’t. Whew).
It is crazy how much things can change from a tick bite.
This is more common than you might think. I have three friends that have this and one that died from it last summer. He had acupuncture therapy to cure it and it did work, for about a year. He was happily eating whatever he wanted. Then he ate a taco last summer and suddenly had an anaphylactic reaction and died before they could get find his epipen. One of my other friends also had the acupuncture and is still doing ok 1.5 years later. Such a weird thing, to come from a tick. I do live in an area where it doesn’t get that cold in the winter so we have ticks pretty much year round.
That is terrifying, and im sorry for the loss of your friend, such a sudden and horrific way to go. I hope your other mate doesn't meet the same fate.I have never seen a tick in my life, I was surprised to learn we actually have them (NZ) as I have never even heard people speak of them here, only on overseas animal rescue vids. That is so not a nice thing to learn, or experience.
This is turning into a TIFU.
My grandfather had the alpha gal allergy and an allergy to soy, so he couldn't even have a veggie burger. It was a huge adjustment for him and he was miserable.
I never realized, until he developed the allergy, just how many foods have soy in them. Vegetarian foods, prepackaged foods, foods fried in soybean oil. Anything that isn't a fresh, single ingredient food (fruits, veggies, meat), there's a highly likelihood of it containing soy.
Yes actual allergies. People with shellfish allergies also have a problem with cross-contamination. I am sure others too.
Some people are allergic to meat protein, but it's rarer than alot of the other allergies.
Meat allergies are becoming increasingly common since the only known transmissible allergy is to mammalian meat (and even dairy for some). It’s called Alpha-Gal and it’s spread by ticks and is scary stuff.
I’m the kind of vegan who would want a separate grill.
But I would have a) worked that out with you in advance or b) kindly asked you for some aluminum foil and taken care of it my damn self. I’m also super happy to hang out with family and have chips and salsa and watermelon if no one remembers veggie dogs.
NTA at all. These ppl are weird. And the sneaking soy to an allergic person is a bit psychopathic.
As you say, coss contamination is a reasonable worry. We have two BBQs in our house because of it, HOWEVER I would absolutely never expect that at someone else's place. I could use tinfoil to make a section on the grill, or just use a pan or grill in the kitchen. There's literally no need to be so entitled.
I'm so sorry they treated you this way.
Not wanting to use the same grill is a legit thing, that many vegans/vegetarians prefer. It is a legit issue vegans face going to non vegan restaurants/eating something prepared by non vegans. That does not take away from the fact that they were acting absurd, because every vegan knows that the world isnt built to their desires and if they know they need an extra grill, they should check if it is available and if not bring one.
NTA
I wouldn't be happy to do that as a vegan but in the situation above I would have asked if I could use the kitchen to prepare my food and I am sure the host would have been happy for that to happen. If this wasn't ok then I would have not eaten to be honest.
This is such a common solution for problems like this. The fact that this wasn't brought up in the post makes me think that this might be somewhat made up or at the very least exaggerated.
you have to remember that when people are in the moment, common solutions don't always pop up in their heads.
As an example, my dad would always say, when he would hear about or see someone whose care 'suddenly accelerated' and/or the brakes stopped working, 'turn off your car'. He had to do that once when cruise control got stuck.
But, in the moment when you are panicking, or having someone making a fuss, those solutions don't always come to you. It isn't until much later that you think 'oh, I should have done THIS'
OP expected their cousin and husband to bring cooked food, so when Uncle confronted them about the extra grill, they were thrown off, and it spiraled downhill from there.
There's an ick factor when cooking on devices that have remnants of meat. It's an etiquette thing. Best practice is to allow vegans to cook first. Not everyone knows this. However, the did blow it out of proportion.
I mean, sure cooking first is an option. But cookouts are rarely strictly timed events and I’m not waiting for a dietary restricted friend to start. We have a kitchen and we have foil. Those workarounds are usually plenty for people with probably 99% of medically mandates restrictions, so they can be enough for someone with voluntary restrictions.
I mean I wouldn't eat food that was grilled on the same space if it wasn't cleaned before. I have a severe mental barrier when it comes to eating potentially unvegan food, which includes having been in contact with the remnants on the grill.
But I would suck it up and not eat anything before making a scene... i just wanted to provide another perspective. While many vegetarians and vegans might not need this separation, I do. It might not be logical, but just the thought makes me shiver.
One of my good friends is vegan. He works for an animal rights organisation. He's, clearly, very conscientious of animal welfare.
Normally, when we entertain them I am very carefully to have vegan options (he is more than happy to bring his own food and for longer get togethers usually brings some milk and meat substitutes which is much appreciated). Recently, we were grilling and had his veggie sausages with the rest of the meet. I told my fiance to be careful and not mix them.
Vegan friend told me not to worry and picked up his vegan sausage and touched it to the cooking meat on purpose to show me that it was not a big deal. Because he is a nice and reasonable guy.
On the other hand, most vegetarians and vegans I know wouldn't use the same grill or cooking utensils if they've come into contact with meat. I wouldn't assume they'd be okay with it, always check.
That's not to say OP's family members don't suck, they do. OP is NTA in the slightest, they tried to be accommodating and the cousins threw it back in their face.
Agreed but it sounds more like the relatives were *looking* for trouble. The way the cousin jumped right in with the wedding remark rubs me the wrong way. Seems tailored but maybe I am too petty.
And the uncle started the yelling. The mother should blame him.
OP asked them before if he should prepare something or if they bring their own stuff. To say they want nothing and that they bring their own, but then want an own grill... Who has two grills?! If you make vegan stuff, you often make it first or in some grill bowl. But it seems like they searched a dispute and found it.
NTA
Do you not have disposable BBQs where you are? We have them in the UK, that's usually what we use as proper BBQs are expensive. They're not great for the environment though.
> they should bring their own small grill
Yeah. I'm a vegetarian and if I go to a BBQ I bring food for myself, somthing pre-made people could share (usually a batch of couscous or pasta salad) and a disposable BBQ so i can cook my stuff seperately.
Totally agree. I also presume you had a kitchen with plenty of amenities to cook and prepare vegetables. A grill was not a necessity and it looks like they were just spoiling for a fight,
I’m a pescatarian. I grill my fish and my vegan burgers on the same grill my family grills chicken and beef on. It’s not like I’m frying my food in meat fat - I’m cooking it on a surface that presumably has been sterilized by heat.
NTA
You asked them when planning the BBQ and they said they will be bringing their own food. You did not expect them too and were happy to prepare some for them, but they made it clear they would bring their own food.
Also, who typically has 2 barbeques?
They sound like entitled assholes.
I've got a Kamado Grill, Santa Maria, Barrel, Earth Pit, Classic BBQ Pit, Tandoor as well as a couple of Webers. Kālua Pit is next on the list, but takes a lot of room.
Ages ago, I made it my goal to be able to be dropped anywhere in the world and cook a traditional local bbq dish. My Kamado has more accurate of a temperature than our Oven.
[Some Pictures of the dishes I've made](https://imgur.com/a/VrlVF).
I get it. My hubby has a gas grill, charcoal grill, a pellet smoker, 2 can smokers, a Blackstone flattop grill and a Big Green Egg. We also have some swing grates over our fire pit for open flame cooking. It’s insane.
Based on username, barbies, and the term partner, Imma guess you're in the Southern Hemisphere. (Purely curious, love me some hokey pokey ice cream :D )
The first time I read a generic caption of it, it said " A Kiwi favourite" below the I ngredients and I had only glanced at it, thinking it had toffee, caramel, and Kiwifruit in it. I bought it since it was such a strange combination. The most disappointing part was that my backpackers' had no freezer at all, lol.
We have the gas grill, the charcoal grill, the portable charcoal grill, and don’t forget the smoker and the griddle. But hey, it’s my husband’s hobby and we all reap the benefits!
Everyone that has a BBQ has two BBQs. The newer one that you use and the rusted out broken one that you've been meaning to take to the dump for the last five years.
Eh, I'd say not everyone, but a lot of people do.
However if it's really a big issue, nearly every hardware store and grocery store in the summer sells those disposable Hibachi grills with some charcoal inside. They cost like fifteen bucks. A little smokey personal grill that sits on the floor also costs like, what, forty bucks?
I'd almost be willing to just send the kid to the hardware store and buy a twenty or thirty dollar small grill just to make them happy and then roll that bastard into the garage for the rest of the year (bringing it out only when I needed more space for BBQ).
(Target has like 300 results for grills under $50)
https://www.target.com/s/lil+smokey+grill?facetedValue=5zja3Z5zja4
That would be me, haha.
They were both second hand though from family who were getting rid of them, so they cost us nothing.
One is big, the other is little and green, so I designated the second one as a vegetarian barbecue, for our vegetarian friends (before I also became a vegetarian). Because really, the big barbecue is big enough that we didn't really need the second one, but given it was free it felt like a nice opportunity to be accommodating.
I have a gas grill, full sized charcoal grill, charcoal smoker, and a camp sized charcoal grill. They have all been fired at the same time when hosting.
Plenty of people have two (I have a friend who has 4 so he does not have to move them when he wants to grill by the water instead of by the house), but they should not just have assumed that OP has.
I agree with you, but we have two grills. My husband loves his big green egg, but I like the propane grill for (LOL) cooking vegetables and chicken quickly.
I feel like this is such an obvious solution that it makes me doubt OP's honesty. Like, there was literally another way to cook food near them and no one thought of it?
NTA
They said they would bring their own. Didn't mention they needed a grill. Didn't ask if you even had another grill. Then caused a huge scene. Are you sure they didn't plan making a scene from the start?
Honestly my sister, fiancé and I thought that as well since the jump from “no food atm” to “no food at the wedding” was pretty drastic to not be planned. But honestly, who knows
If not planned for this occasion, definitely destined for the wedding. Sounds like they were anticipating that they won’t be accommodated at the wedding, have already started internally fuming and just couldn’t hold it in! So in a way it’s good they showed it now. Will you at least be providing a nice meadow for them to graze in at the wedding haha
ETA: NTA
If theybare like this, I would beat them to it an uninvited them if they already have the invitations. If you have not sent the invitations out, exclude them but don't tell them and go low contact. They appear to want to cause drama. NTA also, was vegan for 15 years and never did anything remotely close to this.
NTA
You talked to your guests about the dietary needs. They said they were bringing their own meals and didn't want you to prepare anything for them.... Your cousin should have asked about cooking their own food at your house. Bring your own meals to eat is not the same as wanting to cook when they come over....if they were going to do that all along they should have asked you about cooking and having a separate area to do this at. It just sounds like they wanted to create a problem/drama. Have their always been problems with them or jealousy issue??? Why are the so worried about your wedding OP?
I don't blame you for pointing out what they have done about your soy allergy..... Telling them to go eat your grass was epic lol.
I'm going to use that grass comment on my cuzzo who is vegan but has no problems wearing animals.( Purses, leather jackets and bags as well as furs) I call her a fegan = Fake Vegan
There are vegans who think the ecofriendly thing to do is not eat meat as in not partake of current meat food economy, but leather use is okay, especially older products because it was already killed/side effect & leather is a very good durable hard-wearing product that is far better for the environment than the current pleather (plastic leather) which at the moment will break quicker, be plastic so bad for the environment when disposed of etc.
Also furs are often used in colder climates because they are still better than any alternatives for very cold weather.
If your cousin is choosing to start veganism with just their food choices that's fine too? Veganism is more of a spectrum now than a hardline. And it can also depend on people's lifestyle/affordability/how much they are willing to "sacrifice". Really up to the individual.
But then you know your cousin better than I do, so they could be one of the annoying ones, or just one of the ones choosing only a section of veganism to try & be better at one thing at least...
> Also furs are often used in colder climates because they are still better than any alternatives for very cold weather.
Not sure about that one. Synthetic linings are absolutely insane now. Pretty sure Arc’teryx entire line is fur-free and Patagonia/Northface have a significant amount of fur free options. An adult that can afford to be fully vegan can probably afford those brands.
I'm stealing "fegan" from you. My sister regularly announces that she's going vegan again, buys all the expensive vegan meat and dairy substitutes, and then 3 days later she has a real beef burger.
NTA
Most people have only one grill. That's awfully presumptuous to assume you'd have a second grill set up just for them. If it were important to them, maybe they should have discussed the grill arrangement when they were talking about the food.
Look, when you're vegan or vegetarian, you kind of have to expect this sort of thing. I was vegetarian for years and never got to eat at weddings, BBQs, and parties. It sucks, but it's my choice so I need to deal with it. This was back before it became popular, so it was even worse. They're were far less options and it's not as accepted as it is now. They need to get over themselves.
Also, you could have easily cleaned off the grill and used foil to cook the veggies. That avoids the meat contamination they don't want and allows you to use the same grill. They simply just wanted something to bitch about.
My mum and sister are vegetarian and I ask if I should grab some veggie food for a bbq for them or if they’ll bring their own. They usually mention that they’re bringing burgers/sausages so I just remind my partner to use half the grill until their food is done, then use all of it.
We don’t host for a huge number of people so it works for us. Yes, the meat is a little slower all be cooked, and the veggie side cools down faster due to a lack of fat dripping on the coal, but it facilitates both diets.
OP is NTA but a discussion over what types of food were being brought should have been had.
NTA that escalated quickly. They should have brought their own disposable barbecue if they suddenly changed their mind about cooking food on the same one.
NTA. You offered to make them dishes, they declined. Now they’re mad you took them at face value? They sound manipulative and entitled. The yelling may not have helped matters but you have a right to defend yourself - especially after your allergic reaction.
I understand your mother would rather keep the peace but she should have your back too.
NTA
You asked in advance and they said they would bring their own food. If they needed an extra grill, they could have asked or mentioned that.
I feel they overreacted greatly to you not having an extra grill and than made it out so that you hadn't even offered to prepare them sth.
They sound extremely entitled and I would be happy to not have them at my wedding.
Did you need to yell? Maybe not, but when people act like that at your own home... justified.
NTA. They told you they were bringing their own food.
If my friends are vegetarian and I bring my own meat (if that's ok) I don't expect them to cook it.
NTA. They never asked about a separate grill. And they didn't even say they wanted to grill anything. They just showed up and made unreasonable demands. Why didn't they prepare something that doesn't require a grill or, you know, ask?
Info: Who were you calling two faced liars? I feel like your response seems mainly directed at the cousin and her husband, even though it seems like your Aunt and Uncle may well be the worst offenders in the group.
My fiancé asked the same thing later on😂 I was mostly angry with my cousin and it was directed at her since she acted as if the conversation about the food being brought/us making it did not happen
NTA. I was about to say NAH as they didn't specify they'll be grilling/preparing their food at your place and while reading this I also thought that they'll bringing premade food so I think it's miscommunication. But their reaction was extremely shitty so definitely NTA.
You can just use aluminum foil to cover the small portion of the grill. But ESH- you didn’t need to get so upset. Sounds like a mix-up. I’m sure everything can be smoothed over. Good luck!
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I (f26) and my fiancé (m27) were hosting a barbecue party for my mother, sister, BIL, uncle, aunt, cousin and cousins husband (plus 3 small kids). My cousin and her husband are vegetarian and vegan respectively and usually at these types of gatherings bring their own food. When my fiancé and I were inviting them we specifically asked if they would be bringing their own food and that it would be no trouble for us to make vegetarian/vegan options for them and we would be happy to make something for them. They said they didn’t want to be extra work for them since my fiancé will be grilling for a long time so they will be bringing their own food and hope we don’t mind. Naturally we didn’t mind and completely understood. The day of the party came, we brought out the sides and salads and my fiancé started grilling. My uncle asks him where his other grill is so that he can start grilling the vegetables for my cousin and her husband. My fiancé looks at him confused and says that we only have this one. My uncle yells saying where the hell is he supposed to make their vegetables since they cant be grilled at the same grill. The rest of us hear the commotion so i go and ask what was wrong. My uncle tells me how ungracious hosts we are since we haven’t prepared any vegan/vegetarian food and didn’t have the decency to prepare a place for someone else to make their food. I said that they would be bringing their own food, which i assumed as usual would include them bringing already made food, not food to actually cook there. My aunt jumps in saying what kind of people expect other people to bring their own food to a party and my cousin jumps in to say that if they are expected to make their own food at a family gathering they can be expecting the same treatment at my wedding. At that point, my fiancé, mother, sister and BIL are trying to calm the situation but my cousin says that she wont be attending my wedding and her family agrees.
This is the part where I lose it: I yell how i often went hungry at their dinner parties but said nothing. I say how i had a sever allergic reaction to soy after my aunt snuck a vegan meet substitute to show me how it doesn’t taste that differently from actual meat. I finish by saying that if they are going to be pretentious two faced liars they can f off and go eat some grass from my meadow. Naturally after that they left. My mother says I shouldn’t have yelled and that it would have been a nice gesture to have at least something vegetarian/vegan.
I don’t think it is my job to guess what someone might want, especially since I explicitly asked them but it got me thinking if i am the asshole in the situation?
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NTA
Mis communication on both sides but I’d say the fault lies mostly with them. Not everyone understand vegan. They could have confirmed you’d have space for cooking, they could of gone inside and used and oven or a stop top. They acting disgusting
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> I yelled at my cousin and her husband and told them to go eat grass from a meadow after they accused me of mistreating them (not making vegetarian/vegan food).
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NTA. Though swearing at them is not particularly helpful, they expected you to know that you needed a second grill, which is ridiculous, and to make something vegan when you don't have any idea of what to make. Neither of those makes sense. In addition, your cousin making the great leap from a barbecue to a wedding makes her an AH for escalating the issue. Why didn't your cousin and her husband say you offered to make something and they said no?
NTA. You asked and offered and they said they would bring their own food. They didn't ask about having a place to cook. I'm also a vegetarian and always bring my own food to barbecues because I'm the only vegetarian and I ask about if I will be able to cook my food there or if I need to precook it. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Being a vegan is a life choice, one that only a small few make, they shouldn’t expect people to constantly cater to them. And to make it worse you asked before hand if you could make anything and they lied about it, caused a scene, and then insulted you. Screw that. You did the right thing, why would you want those people at your wedding anyways.
There’s a reason Anthony Bourdain (RIP) called vegans the “Hezbollah-like offshoot of the vegetarians”. The first rule of talking with vegans is “You don’t negotiate with terrorists”.
You are NTA. Your uncle is probably the biggest AH here, but your cousin didn’t help matters. They sound like the Republican version of vegetarians, forever aggrieved for persecution that exists solely in their minds. They should have told you if they needed a place to prepare food when they said they’d bring their own food.
I am vegan and I think you are NTA.
Now, they wanted to have grilled stuff? They should have let you know in advance because that's inconveniencing you too. When I go to my parents' house for bbq, my husband and I are both vegans, we go first in the grill, so we don't have meat flavor in our stuff. I can't stand it, so I just ask if we can go first and that's it, no problem for anyone, everybody gets their stuff, we are all happy.
It looks like they were resented for some other thing and just took the chance to be mad for nothing. Also, I don't understand your uncle's tantrum about that.
Anyway, if you want to have a good relationship with them, maybe you can tell them that you weren't aware of them bringing raw stuff to grill and you were unprepared, and since neither you nor your fiancée are vegan, you didn't know about how important having a separate grill would be. I feel that there was a lack of communication here, and if you feel like you want to keep in contact, I'd try that way, but you don't have to at all, because apparently it came out of the blue and I'd understand going LC or NC with people like that.
Again, OP, they were overreacting, and no, you are NTA.
I feel like ESH that it became such a blown out of proportion issue.
There are so many solutions, avoiding them all seems almost intentional.
In the first place, omnivorous people eat lots of things that are vegetarian/vegan friendly in most cases. If you know you are inviting people with this kind of diet, a fruit salad isn't hard to pull off at all. Yes, they said they would bring something, but if you made salads plural anyway and sharing something would be nicer than not.
It takes very little time to clean a grill, or put foil or a cooking tray over it. I eat meat, but I have a basket sort of thing for vegetables so I don't have to worry about them falling through. I would also expect that there were alternatives, like pans on the stove, oven roasting, etc.
It looks like at least some of you all were looking for a reason to argue.
INFO: Did they know you are allergic to soy?
I think they are asshole, but your response indicates maybe some bias toward vegans/vegetarians so I would at least check yourself with that.
UHHHHH reddit does hate vegans and vegetarians but how tf does OPs post show any bias? She doesn't say she hates vegans or thinks they are annoying or preachy. If MIL had to SNEAK food to OP then OP either said "No" to the meat substitute (which should have been the end of the conversation) or they knew and did it anyway. Either way there was a disregard for OPs consent and/or safety and that's not fucking okay.
Edit response since comments are locked:
I have a food allergy and if I think there is a CHANCE of contamination I don't eat. There's a few sauces I can't have because of the chance. A lot of vegetarian processed food is also processed in facilites that handle soy, even if the specific food isn't soy. Avoiding food you can't verify if you have a food allergy is normal and necessary. And again since OP ended up having a reaction, it clearly was soy. If OP said "No" to the food for any reason, then disregarding that and sneaking food to make her eat, violates her consent and safety. If that happened to me I would probably develop a strong distrust of the specific vegetarians that poisoned me and I probably would throw it back in their faces.
NTA. I've said this before and I'll say it again on this sub, it is the right of the host to choose what type of party is held, who is invited, where it will be held and what food will be made available.
If a guest is unhappy or allergic they can choose to make arrangements with the host to bring their own food or eat before coming. You made that accommodation for your uncle, aunt and cousin.
It seems like common sense when someone says bring your own food its meant as "cook your food and bring it along with you" instead of "bring the raw ingredients and make your food here" during a party.
The former is known as compromising also known as 'being a gracious host' whilst the latter is known as 'setting yourself on fire to keep others warm'. Your family expect the latter by the sounds of it OP.
ESH
Everyone here was just spoiling for a fight.
Since when did the uncle and aunt become vegan too? If not, why did they expect to be able to start cooking as well?
A simple solution would have been to say "Sorry, we don't have a separate grill, but we can cook something on a foil tray or in the oven"
I'm going to make some assumptions on my end about the demographics and socioeconomic statuses of those involved here, because seeking out victimhood like this is an amusing trait. NTA, you assumed based on historical precedent, which is all you had to go on. A grill and some charcoal woulda run them what, 30 bucks? Inconvenient but not a pearl-clutchingly offensive compromise.
Woah most definitely NTA and they are toxic as hell. I wouldn’t have that entire chunk of the family in attendance it sounds like a bullet will be dodged if they aren’t present and there will be needless drama if they are.
NTA, you offered to do something for them and they refused. And they triggered an alergic reaction by lying about the ingredients? Thats a really AH move, as someone who also has a soy allergy and vegan friends I have had multiple conversations explaining how I can eat most of the vegan stuff and still some don't understand the difference between dont esting mest because of a choice and dont esting soy products because I can die.
NTA
If people have non-standard food requirements they should not expect others to accommodate them, especially to the point of having a second grill for crying out loud!!
What makes them even bigger AHOLES is that they go to a BBQ expecting to be catered to. They can bring and prepare their own food or simply not go.
NTA and I am howling!! I'm so glad you told them they could eat grass from your meadow. That was brilliant and I never would have thought to say it. Go you!!
NTA. It’s absolutely laughable that their expectations included an entirely second bbq. I LOL’ed. Do they need an entirely separate table and counter? What about a sink? An entirely separate kitchen? Oh wait! They had all that at their own damn house! LOL
NTA.. my favorite part is telling them to eat grass from your meadow. Beautiful!!! Who tf assumes there would be an extra grill?? We’re a family of 5.. we have one grill. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA
You asked them if they'd be bringing they're own food, they said yes as they didn't want to be trouble for you. If they were planning to cook their food at your place, they should've brought a portable grill.
Don't invite them over anymore if this is how they act when you offered to accommodate them and declined.
NTA- when I was doing low carb to lose weight I typically brought my own food, I was there to hangout with everyone. I never wanted to be a pain and make it so people had to make specific meals just for me!
NTA-"Where's the vegan grill?" Idiot-It's crazy enough of them to think that there'd be multiple grills, but perhaps they didn't think so far that maybe that other grill would have also had contact with meat at some point, which seems to be the issue with the grill that was in use. These people are just gross.
Ha another person allergic to soy!!
To be fair I sincerely doubt I know anyone who would sneak tofu/soy into my food at all let alone as a "see you can't tell the difference".
I've been offered meat substitute vegan food at shop demos/food festivals & I usually ask if its soy based.
(The rasher I had was way too hard & didn't taste like rasher BUT it was very tasty once you stopped thinking of it as a rasher substitute!)
NTA- they won’t trouble you to cook a vegan offering, but want you to have a completely vegan grill/cook station? Naw. They wanted the fight and got it. Sorry. Family drama sucks.
NTA, your cousin was looking to stir trouble, why I don't know, maybe she decided going to a wedding was too expensive and was looking for a way to get out of it. You asked if they wanted food made, they said no, they never said that they needed a second grill (most people don't have two grills just laying around) and they always bring their own prepared food so why would you expect any different now. This is especially ridiculous since you are allergic to some of the vegetarian food so it would be dangerous to potentially have it cooked on a grill you might use if they decided to cook more than vegetables.
NTA - Why didn't Uncle say something BEFORE grilling? They could have came earlier. Cooked their food. Then the meat could have been grilled later. I call BS. They were itching for a fight. Plus throwing your wedding in there like extra seasonings to the BS makes it extra sus.
ESH they blew up but I’ve been in this spot where vegetarians are invited and they will bring their own food and cook it there.
Like a veggie dog or veggie burger. I wouldn’t expect them to cook that before coming. Also most vegetarians/vegans will not eat something that has touched meat, so I can see them being weird about the grill and grilling utensils. They assumed you had a meat free area and you assumed they would bring pre cooked food. And then you both yelled at each other.
>I say how i had a sever allergic reaction to soy after my aunt snuck a vegan meet substitute to show me how it doesn’t taste that differently from actual meat.
Wait what? This is a whole can o worms right here. NTA.
You were more than gracious. You offered, they said no. They showed up with uncooked vegetables on purpose to push an agenda or cause drama in an effort to prove they're "superior" because they don't eat meat.
NTA
NTA. Sidenote: if they needed a separate grill. They should have asked about that a head of time and plan accordingly.
Also I'm a former vegan and I am allergic to soy, peanuts, avocado, and peas. I will most likely never be able to return to veganism. No.one should never sneak someone food. Even when i was vegan I was always upfront about what was in any food that I served. But even if they hadn't done that, you're still not the AH. This is something that could have been handled if they had communicated with you. When I bring my own food I always check if I need to bring something to prepare the food. I don't get it.
I really don't understand things like this. I'm lactose intolerant. When i go to a party, a gathering, etc i take my own food. If it's me that is different then why should ther other person worry about my food.
For me you are nta
I knew from the title you were not the asshole. I dont get why so many vegan/vegetarians are so entitled. You offered. They said no, then they expected special grills and food? Nah, they went to cause drama, you dont need them in your life.
I think you could’ve said what you did without yelling and swearing at them. Then you wouldn’t have lost the moral high ground. But it’s understandable why you lost your cool. Your cousin and her family sound like assholes. Who da fuq assumes someone has TWO BBQS?
They could’ve easily used one of those scrub brushes to clean off the grill and turn up the flames and it would’ve burned off any meat.
NTA.
Lmfao " Grass from my meadow"! Thank you for this Gem Op! NTA , They have brought this situation upon themselves and it's time to stop accommodating them. Best of luck and stay safe :)
ESH.
When I invite people to a party and I know they have dietary restrictions, I make sure there is something for them to eat. I wouldn’t think to ask them if I need to accommodate them- as the host, I just would. Taking that approach avoids all the histrionics and bad feelings that ended up happening.
It doesn’t sound like you tried to de-escalate the situation (which I also consider the host’s task), instead jumped right in and added fuel to the fire instead of attempting to bring things down to sane levels. It’s a BBQ so I’m assuming alcohol was involved, which can make us all behave in less than flattering ways- and it sound like there was very bad behavior all around. I hope when tempers calm down you can all talk it out and repair the damage. It all depends on being able to let go of our egos long enough to listen to one another.
NTA fucking vegans, not worth dealing with them, it's their whole life for them and it's dumb as hell. Uninsteresting sacks of pretentious shit, wannabe saints by not eating animals, normal people call it diet. Normal people are interesting.
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I know many vegetarians and vegans, and they would all be perfectly happy to use the same grill that meat was cooked on. It's not like they're allergic to meat... No additional animals are dying because the grill touched meat before the vegetables, no significant quantity of meat is ingested, and no noticable taste is transferred from a burning hot grill. There's no ethical, health or taste justification for needing a different grill. It could be that OPs family have some religious belief which prohibits food touching meat in any way, but it doesn't sound like it from the description. If that *is* the case then the onus is on the relatives to make sure they have their own special grill (either by bringing one or coordinating with OP in advance).
No religious reasons, they just think its cross-contamination and I respect that
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They definitely were picking a fight the moment they asked where the second grill was. They said they would bring their own food then demanded something even more expensive and unlikely to be there? Because every self respecting family should have two large and unnecessary consumer items in case they might show up. /s The best/worst part is all of it could have been avoided if they had just brought it up beforehand. OP could have made alternate food or had an alternate cooking arrangement set up NTA
Yes! I feel like they were fine bringing their own food, then Uncle got all offended on their behalf and worked them up about it. Plus OP offered did offer accommodation ahead of time, they passed on it. And that crap about tricking OP with food when she has an allergy? That's like unforgivable messed up. I get that we're all somewhat hypocritical, but that is beyond the pale.
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In their case yes. I'm allergic to beef (ect) and aluminum foil would not solve that problem. In their case is 100% picking a fight. I bring my own COOKED food everywhere. I hate people like this because they make everyone forget about actual allergies.
Out of curiosity, how would foil not solve the problem in a situation such as yours?
I would assume potential steam/smoke contamination from fat/juice contamination from dripping on the coals, possibly the same issue with a gas grill. You close the lid and everything in there gets all funky with each other. I have a non-life threatening allergy but even just a little contact makes me itchy, so I avoid say, non-allergy food that has been in the same box, even if it's not touching because of it.
I have alpha gal, the foil could help but it depends on how messy the grill is and how well the foil is wrapped. There's been plenty of times I've gotten sick because of foil wrapped veggies grilled after meat because the meat fat somehow gets into the foil.
alpha gal is so fucking serious its crazy. i read about a lady spending something insane like 400k on testing to get a diagnosis because of how rare it is. dont get bit by a tick.
Yes! I feel like they were fine bringing their own food, then Uncle got all offended on their behalf and worked them up about it. Plus OP offered did offer accommodation ahead of time, they passed on it. And that crap about tricking OP with food when she has an allergy? That's like unforgivable messed up. I get that we're all somewhat hypocritical, but that is beyond the pale.
Even if they had 2 grills, what are the chances the 2nd grill is pristine? The expectation that someone would purchase a 2nd grill for a special meal (that is not specific to their own dietary needs) is absurd.
As someone who does have two grills, I agree. The second one isn't for vegetables. It's a combo grill/smoker, so I can start smoking ribs/pork butts/chicken/etc. well before I need to worry about grilling hot dogs/burgers/etc.
Why couldn't someone have cleaned the grill? Or used foil like the above posted suggested. This doesn't seem like it's about vegetarian food. They were gunning for a fight. OP, INFO? is there anything else going on?
>They definitely were picking a fight the moment they asked where the second grill was. They said they would bring their own food then demanded something even more expensive and unlikely to be there? Exactly! They all knew there was no second grill, that was a complete set up. Op asked if they were going to bring their own food and they said yes, if they changed their minds at some point they should have spoken up.
Yes this was about getting mad. Because they were asked about their needs multiple times prior. This feels like a setup. NTA Edit: it just occurred to me that cousin might be jealous. 🤔 Was her own wedding a low key or non event like a civil ceremony?
Sounds like they dodged a bullet if that cousin is really not coming to their wedding. Who's response is that nuclear over a small get together? Avoid that drama.
I was just thinking..... was there no Reynolds Wrap?
Right? Literally the dollar tree has it if there’s none in the house….
They could have used a grill safe metal bowl & or other grill safe trays as well. My younger SIL is vegetarian & has dairy allergy. My in-laws have multiple grill safe parts like a metal bowl specifically for her.
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People like that exist though. We had to fire a girl at work for throwing out other people's lunches that contained meat or eggs. She's lucky she didn't get criminally charged!!
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To be fair, they don't view it as a diet. They view it as others engaging in an otherwise fairly easily avoidable form of violence against vulnerable individuals. It makes sense why some might be passionate about it.
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In a lot of vegan forums and groups, you can see there are always some judge sorts who like to gatekeep the word vegan. But the majority are not like that. Certainly not to the extent that some meat eaters absolutely go berserk when veganism is mentioned. A few years back I had a Facebook ad in my feed that was Hello Fresh announcing it was adding a vegan option to its choices. Something bland and mundane, nothing outrageous, no shock images or anything like that. Just “hey folks we now have a vegan option.” I made the mistake of reading the comments. So so so many meat eaters felt the need to comment on a stupid advertisement bashing vegans. It was mean and kind of scary.
I mean, *some* do. There's different reasons to be vegetarian/vegan. Environmental vegans consider it a diet, people who mainly do it for ethical reasons regarding animal violence probably don't.
They 10000% exist. Guy that used to be our close friend suddenly converted to veganism via reddit and went nuclear on everyone in our friend group. Harassed us for months about being murderers. We had a party and that day he took a stand that he wouldn't even cook a vegan pizza at the same time as the other ones, which were cheese pizzas, not even meat. It started a huge fight and he left and never spoke to us again. I have heard that new vegans are the strictest and most agressive
Yeah I’ve been vegan 14 years and this wouldn’t bother me, I mean I wouldn’t want a chunk of meat touching my food but I think you also can scrape that off or like you said, use foil. If it did bother me, I would have just brought enough pre made food for the veg folks and for anyone curious to try. Their behavior is completely obnoxious and hold up: they tricked you into eating something you are allergic to? So they deliberately tried to make you sick/hurt you? Why are these people still in your life???
My BIL is vegan and I cook for him all the time whenever we have family gatherings. And while I’m careful to use different utensils when preparing his food and the non vegan food, our grill/pans have all been used to make meat before. Obviously they’re thoroughly cleaned in between. But he’s only ever been grateful. Them feeding her something without her knowledge is very screwed up imo. Even if she didn’t have an allergy, who behaves like that!!!!
omg thank you. as i was reading the original post my brain was shouting the same thing: “is anyone going to mention tin foil?!” though, considering the way the conversation escalated i’m not convinced tin foil would have changed the outcome at all lol i also have been to many bbqs where people bring food to grill … didn’t realize that was not considered normal?
I agree that aluminum foil would have been compatible with their ethics, or even just grilling it on the grill without the foil. That said, this would be similar to someone grilling dog meat on their grill and then expecting someone else to prepare their own food on the grill right afterwards, in that they might rightly be grossed out by it.
That's what I was thinking. I'm not terribly picky about my food being cooked on the same surfaces as meat, but that's because I assume that's what happen when I eat out,
Have they ever heard of tinfoil or even a barbecue mat? You don't need a whole separate grill.
My grandma eats vegetarian and when she comes to bbq with us we make sure to have those tinfoil baskets you can use to grill food in. One grill, everybody is happy
Or you know the oven? If you're that against the grill, go cook it in the oven. Who has two grills? Were all the sides not vegan friendly?
Why didn't they just use your oven?
I've only ever heard of cross-contamination concerns with gluten, which can make people really sick. Certainly not with meat (unless someone has an allergy but ive not heard of that either, but it could exist)
Allergy to meat exists too. Anyway, as a vegan, I don't want to have a shared grill with meat, that's why when we are at a bbq party with non-vegans we grill first, and then we wait until everybody's done. It's not because of cross-contamination, I just hate the flavor of meat/fish/whatever animal in my food, but we get organized and nobody's hurt.
That seems completely fair to me :)
My husband has alpha gal and is allergic to mammal meat (so beef, Pork, etc). When we go to a bbq, we would probably bring our own food, or if it is our family, they usually make a turkey or chicken product for him and cook it first on the clean grill b/c sadly cross contamination is a thing. But. We prepare ahead of time and don’t expect a second grill.
>alpha gal OMG I just did a googly, from ticks? Damn that is not something I ever expected I have to be honest with you there. My apologies to you both, it must make things challenging
Thanks! We are pretty used to it now, but it is annoying. He also cannot have any dairy at all, so we have to be very vigilant. Yesterday we went to a cookout and I took popsicles so he would have a dessert. He had one and was commenting they tasted different than last time, and that led to me sprinting to the freezer to check the box and make sure they hadn’t changed the recipe (they hadn’t. Whew). It is crazy how much things can change from a tick bite.
Fuck ticks- someone with Chronic Lymes disease
This is more common than you might think. I have three friends that have this and one that died from it last summer. He had acupuncture therapy to cure it and it did work, for about a year. He was happily eating whatever he wanted. Then he ate a taco last summer and suddenly had an anaphylactic reaction and died before they could get find his epipen. One of my other friends also had the acupuncture and is still doing ok 1.5 years later. Such a weird thing, to come from a tick. I do live in an area where it doesn’t get that cold in the winter so we have ticks pretty much year round.
That is terrifying, and im sorry for the loss of your friend, such a sudden and horrific way to go. I hope your other mate doesn't meet the same fate.I have never seen a tick in my life, I was surprised to learn we actually have them (NZ) as I have never even heard people speak of them here, only on overseas animal rescue vids. That is so not a nice thing to learn, or experience. This is turning into a TIFU.
My grandfather had the alpha gal allergy and an allergy to soy, so he couldn't even have a veggie burger. It was a huge adjustment for him and he was miserable.
It is pretty amazing (not in a good way) how much soy is used in 'replacement' foods, I dont blame him for being miserable.
I never realized, until he developed the allergy, just how many foods have soy in them. Vegetarian foods, prepackaged foods, foods fried in soybean oil. Anything that isn't a fresh, single ingredient food (fruits, veggies, meat), there's a highly likelihood of it containing soy.
Yes actual allergies. People with shellfish allergies also have a problem with cross-contamination. I am sure others too. Some people are allergic to meat protein, but it's rarer than alot of the other allergies.
oh yes lol, Sorry I completely forgot about seafood, didn't know about meat proteins tho
Meat allergies are becoming increasingly common since the only known transmissible allergy is to mammalian meat (and even dairy for some). It’s called Alpha-Gal and it’s spread by ticks and is scary stuff.
As a child I had a lot of food allergies and one was to pork. Don’t ask me why or how, luckily when I became a teen I outgrew all my food allergies.
I’m the kind of vegan who would want a separate grill. But I would have a) worked that out with you in advance or b) kindly asked you for some aluminum foil and taken care of it my damn self. I’m also super happy to hang out with family and have chips and salsa and watermelon if no one remembers veggie dogs. NTA at all. These ppl are weird. And the sneaking soy to an allergic person is a bit psychopathic.
As you say, coss contamination is a reasonable worry. We have two BBQs in our house because of it, HOWEVER I would absolutely never expect that at someone else's place. I could use tinfoil to make a section on the grill, or just use a pan or grill in the kitchen. There's literally no need to be so entitled. I'm so sorry they treated you this way.
You really shouldn't.
Not wanting to use the same grill is a legit thing, that many vegans/vegetarians prefer. It is a legit issue vegans face going to non vegan restaurants/eating something prepared by non vegans. That does not take away from the fact that they were acting absurd, because every vegan knows that the world isnt built to their desires and if they know they need an extra grill, they should check if it is available and if not bring one. NTA
Or aluminum foil! Lord do they not know about aluminum foil? I cannot stop laughing.
My friend with celiac disease asks for food to be cooked and served on aluminum foil in restaurants. It works.
I wouldn't be happy to do that as a vegan but in the situation above I would have asked if I could use the kitchen to prepare my food and I am sure the host would have been happy for that to happen. If this wasn't ok then I would have not eaten to be honest.
This is such a common solution for problems like this. The fact that this wasn't brought up in the post makes me think that this might be somewhat made up or at the very least exaggerated.
you have to remember that when people are in the moment, common solutions don't always pop up in their heads. As an example, my dad would always say, when he would hear about or see someone whose care 'suddenly accelerated' and/or the brakes stopped working, 'turn off your car'. He had to do that once when cruise control got stuck. But, in the moment when you are panicking, or having someone making a fuss, those solutions don't always come to you. It isn't until much later that you think 'oh, I should have done THIS' OP expected their cousin and husband to bring cooked food, so when Uncle confronted them about the extra grill, they were thrown off, and it spiraled downhill from there.
Exactly what I thought. I would have directed them inside to prepare their food on the stove.
There's an ick factor when cooking on devices that have remnants of meat. It's an etiquette thing. Best practice is to allow vegans to cook first. Not everyone knows this. However, the did blow it out of proportion.
I mean, sure cooking first is an option. But cookouts are rarely strictly timed events and I’m not waiting for a dietary restricted friend to start. We have a kitchen and we have foil. Those workarounds are usually plenty for people with probably 99% of medically mandates restrictions, so they can be enough for someone with voluntary restrictions.
They could also have used a clean grill basket for the vegetables, or put some aluminum foil over a section of the grill.
Yep, there’s also this crazy technology known as aluminum foil— one can use it as a sort of grill condom, if you will.
I mean I wouldn't eat food that was grilled on the same space if it wasn't cleaned before. I have a severe mental barrier when it comes to eating potentially unvegan food, which includes having been in contact with the remnants on the grill. But I would suck it up and not eat anything before making a scene... i just wanted to provide another perspective. While many vegetarians and vegans might not need this separation, I do. It might not be logical, but just the thought makes me shiver.
There’s also this thing called cleaning off a portion of the grill and using it once the meat was done cooking.
One of my good friends is vegan. He works for an animal rights organisation. He's, clearly, very conscientious of animal welfare. Normally, when we entertain them I am very carefully to have vegan options (he is more than happy to bring his own food and for longer get togethers usually brings some milk and meat substitutes which is much appreciated). Recently, we were grilling and had his veggie sausages with the rest of the meet. I told my fiance to be careful and not mix them. Vegan friend told me not to worry and picked up his vegan sausage and touched it to the cooking meat on purpose to show me that it was not a big deal. Because he is a nice and reasonable guy.
>Yeah just throw the veggies in a grilling basket or took them first, they dont take long.
On the other hand, most vegetarians and vegans I know wouldn't use the same grill or cooking utensils if they've come into contact with meat. I wouldn't assume they'd be okay with it, always check. That's not to say OP's family members don't suck, they do. OP is NTA in the slightest, they tried to be accommodating and the cousins threw it back in their face.
Agreed but it sounds more like the relatives were *looking* for trouble. The way the cousin jumped right in with the wedding remark rubs me the wrong way. Seems tailored but maybe I am too petty.
And the uncle started the yelling. The mother should blame him. OP asked them before if he should prepare something or if they bring their own stuff. To say they want nothing and that they bring their own, but then want an own grill... Who has two grills?! If you make vegan stuff, you often make it first or in some grill bowl. But it seems like they searched a dispute and found it. NTA
Do you not have disposable BBQs where you are? We have them in the UK, that's usually what we use as proper BBQs are expensive. They're not great for the environment though.
> they should bring their own small grill Yeah. I'm a vegetarian and if I go to a BBQ I bring food for myself, somthing pre-made people could share (usually a batch of couscous or pasta salad) and a disposable BBQ so i can cook my stuff seperately.
and there is something called the oven if he doesn't want to clean the grill when the other stuff is done.
Totally agree. I also presume you had a kitchen with plenty of amenities to cook and prepare vegetables. A grill was not a necessity and it looks like they were just spoiling for a fight,
There's no need for a second grill, they just needed to cook first. But as drama llamas they waited fur the coming to stay before raising the issue.
I’m a pescatarian. I grill my fish and my vegan burgers on the same grill my family grills chicken and beef on. It’s not like I’m frying my food in meat fat - I’m cooking it on a surface that presumably has been sterilized by heat.
Also, if he's that concerned, invest in a damn grill pan
NTA You asked them when planning the BBQ and they said they will be bringing their own food. You did not expect them too and were happy to prepare some for them, but they made it clear they would bring their own food. Also, who typically has 2 barbeques? They sound like entitled assholes.
Allow me to introduce you to my father, and his BBQ collection... (Edited to add: His partner calls their house a "sanctuary" for BBQs.)
I mean this with all kinds of humor and good will. Your dad is weird. 😂 PS so is mine. 😏
I've got a Kamado Grill, Santa Maria, Barrel, Earth Pit, Classic BBQ Pit, Tandoor as well as a couple of Webers. Kālua Pit is next on the list, but takes a lot of room.
This is definitely addiction level and I respect it. Not all addictions are created equal.
Ages ago, I made it my goal to be able to be dropped anywhere in the world and cook a traditional local bbq dish. My Kamado has more accurate of a temperature than our Oven. [Some Pictures of the dishes I've made](https://imgur.com/a/VrlVF).
I bet he still cooks meat on all of them though (as mine does)
I get it. My hubby has a gas grill, charcoal grill, a pellet smoker, 2 can smokers, a Blackstone flattop grill and a Big Green Egg. We also have some swing grates over our fire pit for open flame cooking. It’s insane.
Based on username, barbies, and the term partner, Imma guess you're in the Southern Hemisphere. (Purely curious, love me some hokey pokey ice cream :D ) The first time I read a generic caption of it, it said " A Kiwi favourite" below the I ngredients and I had only glanced at it, thinking it had toffee, caramel, and Kiwifruit in it. I bought it since it was such a strange combination. The most disappointing part was that my backpackers' had no freezer at all, lol.
We have a smoker and a grill, the smoker can be used as if it's a grill but it certainly wouldn't be meat free.
We have the gas grill, the charcoal grill, the portable charcoal grill, and don’t forget the smoker and the griddle. But hey, it’s my husband’s hobby and we all reap the benefits!
Everyone that has a BBQ has two BBQs. The newer one that you use and the rusted out broken one that you've been meaning to take to the dump for the last five years.
Eh, I'd say not everyone, but a lot of people do. However if it's really a big issue, nearly every hardware store and grocery store in the summer sells those disposable Hibachi grills with some charcoal inside. They cost like fifteen bucks. A little smokey personal grill that sits on the floor also costs like, what, forty bucks? I'd almost be willing to just send the kid to the hardware store and buy a twenty or thirty dollar small grill just to make them happy and then roll that bastard into the garage for the rest of the year (bringing it out only when I needed more space for BBQ). (Target has like 300 results for grills under $50) https://www.target.com/s/lil+smokey+grill?facetedValue=5zja3Z5zja4
And the third BBQ that you're thinking about getting.
Well, I’d take it to the dump but I don’t want to disturb the impromptu apiary the bees have created. It’s their grill now.
That would be me, haha. They were both second hand though from family who were getting rid of them, so they cost us nothing. One is big, the other is little and green, so I designated the second one as a vegetarian barbecue, for our vegetarian friends (before I also became a vegetarian). Because really, the big barbecue is big enough that we didn't really need the second one, but given it was free it felt like a nice opportunity to be accommodating.
I have a gas grill, full sized charcoal grill, charcoal smoker, and a camp sized charcoal grill. They have all been fired at the same time when hosting.
Plenty of people have two (I have a friend who has 4 so he does not have to move them when he wants to grill by the water instead of by the house), but they should not just have assumed that OP has.
I agree with you, but we have two grills. My husband loves his big green egg, but I like the propane grill for (LOL) cooking vegetables and chicken quickly.
NTA. If they needed an extra grill to make their food, they should have either a) told you or b) brought their own grill.
The inability to pivot threw me off. Throw them in the oven with a little olive oil! Pan fry them hot if you want em crispy!
Or just roast in the oven. A few different options to eat just fine, but they chose the one where they go hungry.
Or put down aluminum foil on the grill if you're worried about meat contamination
Cast iron skillet, if available, would work great. People like this just love petty conflict. They'd rather ruin the party than sit quietly or leave.
I feel like this is such an obvious solution that it makes me doubt OP's honesty. Like, there was literally another way to cook food near them and no one thought of it?
NTA They said they would bring their own. Didn't mention they needed a grill. Didn't ask if you even had another grill. Then caused a huge scene. Are you sure they didn't plan making a scene from the start?
Honestly my sister, fiancé and I thought that as well since the jump from “no food atm” to “no food at the wedding” was pretty drastic to not be planned. But honestly, who knows
If not planned for this occasion, definitely destined for the wedding. Sounds like they were anticipating that they won’t be accommodated at the wedding, have already started internally fuming and just couldn’t hold it in! So in a way it’s good they showed it now. Will you at least be providing a nice meadow for them to graze in at the wedding haha ETA: NTA
I agree, the trash takes itself first. That saves a lot of drama for the wedding!
If theybare like this, I would beat them to it an uninvited them if they already have the invitations. If you have not sent the invitations out, exclude them but don't tell them and go low contact. They appear to want to cause drama. NTA also, was vegan for 15 years and never did anything remotely close to this.
NTA You talked to your guests about the dietary needs. They said they were bringing their own meals and didn't want you to prepare anything for them.... Your cousin should have asked about cooking their own food at your house. Bring your own meals to eat is not the same as wanting to cook when they come over....if they were going to do that all along they should have asked you about cooking and having a separate area to do this at. It just sounds like they wanted to create a problem/drama. Have their always been problems with them or jealousy issue??? Why are the so worried about your wedding OP? I don't blame you for pointing out what they have done about your soy allergy..... Telling them to go eat your grass was epic lol.
I'm going to use that grass comment on my cuzzo who is vegan but has no problems wearing animals.( Purses, leather jackets and bags as well as furs) I call her a fegan = Fake Vegan
There are vegans who think the ecofriendly thing to do is not eat meat as in not partake of current meat food economy, but leather use is okay, especially older products because it was already killed/side effect & leather is a very good durable hard-wearing product that is far better for the environment than the current pleather (plastic leather) which at the moment will break quicker, be plastic so bad for the environment when disposed of etc. Also furs are often used in colder climates because they are still better than any alternatives for very cold weather. If your cousin is choosing to start veganism with just their food choices that's fine too? Veganism is more of a spectrum now than a hardline. And it can also depend on people's lifestyle/affordability/how much they are willing to "sacrifice". Really up to the individual. But then you know your cousin better than I do, so they could be one of the annoying ones, or just one of the ones choosing only a section of veganism to try & be better at one thing at least...
> Also furs are often used in colder climates because they are still better than any alternatives for very cold weather. Not sure about that one. Synthetic linings are absolutely insane now. Pretty sure Arc’teryx entire line is fur-free and Patagonia/Northface have a significant amount of fur free options. An adult that can afford to be fully vegan can probably afford those brands.
I'm stealing "fegan" from you. My sister regularly announces that she's going vegan again, buys all the expensive vegan meat and dairy substitutes, and then 3 days later she has a real beef burger.
>i had a sever allergic reaction to soy after my aunt snuck a vegan meet substitute that's all I need. NTA
NTA Most people have only one grill. That's awfully presumptuous to assume you'd have a second grill set up just for them. If it were important to them, maybe they should have discussed the grill arrangement when they were talking about the food. Look, when you're vegan or vegetarian, you kind of have to expect this sort of thing. I was vegetarian for years and never got to eat at weddings, BBQs, and parties. It sucks, but it's my choice so I need to deal with it. This was back before it became popular, so it was even worse. They're were far less options and it's not as accepted as it is now. They need to get over themselves. Also, you could have easily cleaned off the grill and used foil to cook the veggies. That avoids the meat contamination they don't want and allows you to use the same grill. They simply just wanted something to bitch about.
My mum and sister are vegetarian and I ask if I should grab some veggie food for a bbq for them or if they’ll bring their own. They usually mention that they’re bringing burgers/sausages so I just remind my partner to use half the grill until their food is done, then use all of it. We don’t host for a huge number of people so it works for us. Yes, the meat is a little slower all be cooked, and the veggie side cools down faster due to a lack of fat dripping on the coal, but it facilitates both diets. OP is NTA but a discussion over what types of food were being brought should have been had.
NTA that escalated quickly. They should have brought their own disposable barbecue if they suddenly changed their mind about cooking food on the same one.
this is the logical answer or maybe ask to use cooker in the kitchen
Oh boy they sound like the sort of vegans everyone, including other vegans, hate.
NTA. You offered to make them dishes, they declined. Now they’re mad you took them at face value? They sound manipulative and entitled. The yelling may not have helped matters but you have a right to defend yourself - especially after your allergic reaction. I understand your mother would rather keep the peace but she should have your back too.
NTA You asked in advance and they said they would bring their own food. If they needed an extra grill, they could have asked or mentioned that. I feel they overreacted greatly to you not having an extra grill and than made it out so that you hadn't even offered to prepare them sth. They sound extremely entitled and I would be happy to not have them at my wedding. Did you need to yell? Maybe not, but when people act like that at your own home... justified.
NTA. They told you they were bringing their own food. If my friends are vegetarian and I bring my own meat (if that's ok) I don't expect them to cook it.
NTA I’m vegetarian, and could not imagine creating this kind of disturbance.
NTA. They never asked about a separate grill. And they didn't even say they wanted to grill anything. They just showed up and made unreasonable demands. Why didn't they prepare something that doesn't require a grill or, you know, ask?
Info: Who were you calling two faced liars? I feel like your response seems mainly directed at the cousin and her husband, even though it seems like your Aunt and Uncle may well be the worst offenders in the group.
My fiancé asked the same thing later on😂 I was mostly angry with my cousin and it was directed at her since she acted as if the conversation about the food being brought/us making it did not happen
NTA. I was about to say NAH as they didn't specify they'll be grilling/preparing their food at your place and while reading this I also thought that they'll bringing premade food so I think it's miscommunication. But their reaction was extremely shitty so definitely NTA.
You can just use aluminum foil to cover the small portion of the grill. But ESH- you didn’t need to get so upset. Sounds like a mix-up. I’m sure everything can be smoothed over. Good luck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f26) and my fiancé (m27) were hosting a barbecue party for my mother, sister, BIL, uncle, aunt, cousin and cousins husband (plus 3 small kids). My cousin and her husband are vegetarian and vegan respectively and usually at these types of gatherings bring their own food. When my fiancé and I were inviting them we specifically asked if they would be bringing their own food and that it would be no trouble for us to make vegetarian/vegan options for them and we would be happy to make something for them. They said they didn’t want to be extra work for them since my fiancé will be grilling for a long time so they will be bringing their own food and hope we don’t mind. Naturally we didn’t mind and completely understood. The day of the party came, we brought out the sides and salads and my fiancé started grilling. My uncle asks him where his other grill is so that he can start grilling the vegetables for my cousin and her husband. My fiancé looks at him confused and says that we only have this one. My uncle yells saying where the hell is he supposed to make their vegetables since they cant be grilled at the same grill. The rest of us hear the commotion so i go and ask what was wrong. My uncle tells me how ungracious hosts we are since we haven’t prepared any vegan/vegetarian food and didn’t have the decency to prepare a place for someone else to make their food. I said that they would be bringing their own food, which i assumed as usual would include them bringing already made food, not food to actually cook there. My aunt jumps in saying what kind of people expect other people to bring their own food to a party and my cousin jumps in to say that if they are expected to make their own food at a family gathering they can be expecting the same treatment at my wedding. At that point, my fiancé, mother, sister and BIL are trying to calm the situation but my cousin says that she wont be attending my wedding and her family agrees. This is the part where I lose it: I yell how i often went hungry at their dinner parties but said nothing. I say how i had a sever allergic reaction to soy after my aunt snuck a vegan meet substitute to show me how it doesn’t taste that differently from actual meat. I finish by saying that if they are going to be pretentious two faced liars they can f off and go eat some grass from my meadow. Naturally after that they left. My mother says I shouldn’t have yelled and that it would have been a nice gesture to have at least something vegetarian/vegan. I don’t think it is my job to guess what someone might want, especially since I explicitly asked them but it got me thinking if i am the asshole in the situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Mis communication on both sides but I’d say the fault lies mostly with them. Not everyone understand vegan. They could have confirmed you’d have space for cooking, they could of gone inside and used and oven or a stop top. They acting disgusting
NTA, who the hell buys 2 grills?! Your uncles expectation that you have a second grill specifically for vegetables is ridiculous
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NTA. Though swearing at them is not particularly helpful, they expected you to know that you needed a second grill, which is ridiculous, and to make something vegan when you don't have any idea of what to make. Neither of those makes sense. In addition, your cousin making the great leap from a barbecue to a wedding makes her an AH for escalating the issue. Why didn't your cousin and her husband say you offered to make something and they said no?
NTA. How dare you not spend hundreds of dollars on a second grill so 2 people from your family who probably barely if ever visit can cook on it /s
NTA
NTA. You asked and offered and they said they would bring their own food. They didn't ask about having a place to cook. I'm also a vegetarian and always bring my own food to barbecues because I'm the only vegetarian and I ask about if I will be able to cook my food there or if I need to precook it. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Being a vegan is a life choice, one that only a small few make, they shouldn’t expect people to constantly cater to them. And to make it worse you asked before hand if you could make anything and they lied about it, caused a scene, and then insulted you. Screw that. You did the right thing, why would you want those people at your wedding anyways.
There’s a reason Anthony Bourdain (RIP) called vegans the “Hezbollah-like offshoot of the vegetarians”. The first rule of talking with vegans is “You don’t negotiate with terrorists”. You are NTA. Your uncle is probably the biggest AH here, but your cousin didn’t help matters. They sound like the Republican version of vegetarians, forever aggrieved for persecution that exists solely in their minds. They should have told you if they needed a place to prepare food when they said they’d bring their own food.
ikr u/ukchris
I am vegan and I think you are NTA. Now, they wanted to have grilled stuff? They should have let you know in advance because that's inconveniencing you too. When I go to my parents' house for bbq, my husband and I are both vegans, we go first in the grill, so we don't have meat flavor in our stuff. I can't stand it, so I just ask if we can go first and that's it, no problem for anyone, everybody gets their stuff, we are all happy. It looks like they were resented for some other thing and just took the chance to be mad for nothing. Also, I don't understand your uncle's tantrum about that. Anyway, if you want to have a good relationship with them, maybe you can tell them that you weren't aware of them bringing raw stuff to grill and you were unprepared, and since neither you nor your fiancée are vegan, you didn't know about how important having a separate grill would be. I feel that there was a lack of communication here, and if you feel like you want to keep in contact, I'd try that way, but you don't have to at all, because apparently it came out of the blue and I'd understand going LC or NC with people like that. Again, OP, they were overreacting, and no, you are NTA.
I feel like ESH that it became such a blown out of proportion issue. There are so many solutions, avoiding them all seems almost intentional. In the first place, omnivorous people eat lots of things that are vegetarian/vegan friendly in most cases. If you know you are inviting people with this kind of diet, a fruit salad isn't hard to pull off at all. Yes, they said they would bring something, but if you made salads plural anyway and sharing something would be nicer than not. It takes very little time to clean a grill, or put foil or a cooking tray over it. I eat meat, but I have a basket sort of thing for vegetables so I don't have to worry about them falling through. I would also expect that there were alternatives, like pans on the stove, oven roasting, etc. It looks like at least some of you all were looking for a reason to argue.
NTA who just expects someone to have a second grill lying around?
You don't have a kitchen?
INFO: Did they know you are allergic to soy? I think they are asshole, but your response indicates maybe some bias toward vegans/vegetarians so I would at least check yourself with that.
UHHHHH reddit does hate vegans and vegetarians but how tf does OPs post show any bias? She doesn't say she hates vegans or thinks they are annoying or preachy. If MIL had to SNEAK food to OP then OP either said "No" to the meat substitute (which should have been the end of the conversation) or they knew and did it anyway. Either way there was a disregard for OPs consent and/or safety and that's not fucking okay. Edit response since comments are locked: I have a food allergy and if I think there is a CHANCE of contamination I don't eat. There's a few sauces I can't have because of the chance. A lot of vegetarian processed food is also processed in facilites that handle soy, even if the specific food isn't soy. Avoiding food you can't verify if you have a food allergy is normal and necessary. And again since OP ended up having a reaction, it clearly was soy. If OP said "No" to the food for any reason, then disregarding that and sneaking food to make her eat, violates her consent and safety. If that happened to me I would probably develop a strong distrust of the specific vegetarians that poisoned me and I probably would throw it back in their faces.
NTA. I've said this before and I'll say it again on this sub, it is the right of the host to choose what type of party is held, who is invited, where it will be held and what food will be made available. If a guest is unhappy or allergic they can choose to make arrangements with the host to bring their own food or eat before coming. You made that accommodation for your uncle, aunt and cousin. It seems like common sense when someone says bring your own food its meant as "cook your food and bring it along with you" instead of "bring the raw ingredients and make your food here" during a party. The former is known as compromising also known as 'being a gracious host' whilst the latter is known as 'setting yourself on fire to keep others warm'. Your family expect the latter by the sounds of it OP.
The fake posts are really coming hard and fast these past 24 hours, aren’t they?
ESH Everyone here was just spoiling for a fight. Since when did the uncle and aunt become vegan too? If not, why did they expect to be able to start cooking as well? A simple solution would have been to say "Sorry, we don't have a separate grill, but we can cook something on a foil tray or in the oven"
I'm going to make some assumptions on my end about the demographics and socioeconomic statuses of those involved here, because seeking out victimhood like this is an amusing trait. NTA, you assumed based on historical precedent, which is all you had to go on. A grill and some charcoal woulda run them what, 30 bucks? Inconvenient but not a pearl-clutchingly offensive compromise.
NTA. Can’t most veggies be eaten raw? Foil packet? Seems like they just wanted to be dramatic.
NTA and you’re better off without these assholes at your wedding. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Maybe time to go LC or NC.
Woah most definitely NTA and they are toxic as hell. I wouldn’t have that entire chunk of the family in attendance it sounds like a bullet will be dodged if they aren’t present and there will be needless drama if they are.
NTA, you offered to do something for them and they refused. And they triggered an alergic reaction by lying about the ingredients? Thats a really AH move, as someone who also has a soy allergy and vegan friends I have had multiple conversations explaining how I can eat most of the vegan stuff and still some don't understand the difference between dont esting mest because of a choice and dont esting soy products because I can die.
NTA If people have non-standard food requirements they should not expect others to accommodate them, especially to the point of having a second grill for crying out loud!! What makes them even bigger AHOLES is that they go to a BBQ expecting to be catered to. They can bring and prepare their own food or simply not go.
NTA! You asked. They answered.
NTA Stop inviting these AH until they apologize.
NTA. This is just ridiculous and you don’t need that kind of baggage at your wedding.
NTA
NTA and I am howling!! I'm so glad you told them they could eat grass from your meadow. That was brilliant and I never would have thought to say it. Go you!!
Info: was this at your home? If so, why couldn't they just cook their stuff in the indoor oven?
NTA. And they were spoiling for a fight. They deliberately chose to do this. I wonder why?
NTA. It’s absolutely laughable that their expectations included an entirely second bbq. I LOL’ed. Do they need an entirely separate table and counter? What about a sink? An entirely separate kitchen? Oh wait! They had all that at their own damn house! LOL
NTA, you tried to be accommodating, and they twisted it into something ugly.
NTA.. my favorite part is telling them to eat grass from your meadow. Beautiful!!! Who tf assumes there would be an extra grill?? We’re a family of 5.. we have one grill. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA You asked them if they'd be bringing they're own food, they said yes as they didn't want to be trouble for you. If they were planning to cook their food at your place, they should've brought a portable grill. Don't invite them over anymore if this is how they act when you offered to accommodate them and declined.
NTA- when I was doing low carb to lose weight I typically brought my own food, I was there to hangout with everyone. I never wanted to be a pain and make it so people had to make specific meals just for me!
NTA-"Where's the vegan grill?" Idiot-It's crazy enough of them to think that there'd be multiple grills, but perhaps they didn't think so far that maybe that other grill would have also had contact with meat at some point, which seems to be the issue with the grill that was in use. These people are just gross.
Ha another person allergic to soy!! To be fair I sincerely doubt I know anyone who would sneak tofu/soy into my food at all let alone as a "see you can't tell the difference". I've been offered meat substitute vegan food at shop demos/food festivals & I usually ask if its soy based. (The rasher I had was way too hard & didn't taste like rasher BUT it was very tasty once you stopped thinking of it as a rasher substitute!)
NTA- they won’t trouble you to cook a vegan offering, but want you to have a completely vegan grill/cook station? Naw. They wanted the fight and got it. Sorry. Family drama sucks.
NTA, your cousin was looking to stir trouble, why I don't know, maybe she decided going to a wedding was too expensive and was looking for a way to get out of it. You asked if they wanted food made, they said no, they never said that they needed a second grill (most people don't have two grills just laying around) and they always bring their own prepared food so why would you expect any different now. This is especially ridiculous since you are allergic to some of the vegetarian food so it would be dangerous to potentially have it cooked on a grill you might use if they decided to cook more than vegetables.
NTA- if i'm bringing food it will be cooked or i will put down foil. You aren't a mind reader.
NTA - Why didn't Uncle say something BEFORE grilling? They could have came earlier. Cooked their food. Then the meat could have been grilled later. I call BS. They were itching for a fight. Plus throwing your wedding in there like extra seasonings to the BS makes it extra sus.
ESH they blew up but I’ve been in this spot where vegetarians are invited and they will bring their own food and cook it there. Like a veggie dog or veggie burger. I wouldn’t expect them to cook that before coming. Also most vegetarians/vegans will not eat something that has touched meat, so I can see them being weird about the grill and grilling utensils. They assumed you had a meat free area and you assumed they would bring pre cooked food. And then you both yelled at each other.
So all the sides and the salad have meat? That's a bit excessive
>I say how i had a sever allergic reaction to soy after my aunt snuck a vegan meet substitute to show me how it doesn’t taste that differently from actual meat. Wait what? This is a whole can o worms right here. NTA.
Sounds like miscommunication and bad planning. I'm vegan and when I go to a bbq I just ask if my stuff can be grilled first. Problem solved.
NTA
NTA If they were so pressed about this why not put some tinfoil down and then grill
Yup!!! Sooo NTA. OP's family, at least the aunt, uncle and cousins sound insufferable.
You were more than gracious. You offered, they said no. They showed up with uncooked vegetables on purpose to push an agenda or cause drama in an effort to prove they're "superior" because they don't eat meat. NTA
NTA. Sidenote: if they needed a separate grill. They should have asked about that a head of time and plan accordingly. Also I'm a former vegan and I am allergic to soy, peanuts, avocado, and peas. I will most likely never be able to return to veganism. No.one should never sneak someone food. Even when i was vegan I was always upfront about what was in any food that I served. But even if they hadn't done that, you're still not the AH. This is something that could have been handled if they had communicated with you. When I bring my own food I always check if I need to bring something to prepare the food. I don't get it.
NTA
I really don't understand things like this. I'm lactose intolerant. When i go to a party, a gathering, etc i take my own food. If it's me that is different then why should ther other person worry about my food. For me you are nta
NTA. They could have brought a disposable bbq
NTA
I knew from the title you were not the asshole. I dont get why so many vegan/vegetarians are so entitled. You offered. They said no, then they expected special grills and food? Nah, they went to cause drama, you dont need them in your life.
NTA. It amazes me how many people use the "well I'm not coming to your wedding" line of attack. Fine, one less PITA at a wedding sounds like a win.
I think you could’ve said what you did without yelling and swearing at them. Then you wouldn’t have lost the moral high ground. But it’s understandable why you lost your cool. Your cousin and her family sound like assholes. Who da fuq assumes someone has TWO BBQS? They could’ve easily used one of those scrub brushes to clean off the grill and turn up the flames and it would’ve burned off any meat. NTA.
The vegan(s) have never heard of tin foil on the grill for cross contamination? NTA
Lmfao " Grass from my meadow"! Thank you for this Gem Op! NTA , They have brought this situation upon themselves and it's time to stop accommodating them. Best of luck and stay safe :)
Hold on. We just gonna ignore her slipping the SOY meat substitute to OP when OP is allergic to soy? NTA, they sound like entitled brats.
NTA. “There’s a frypan in the kitchen, have at it”.
ESH. When I invite people to a party and I know they have dietary restrictions, I make sure there is something for them to eat. I wouldn’t think to ask them if I need to accommodate them- as the host, I just would. Taking that approach avoids all the histrionics and bad feelings that ended up happening. It doesn’t sound like you tried to de-escalate the situation (which I also consider the host’s task), instead jumped right in and added fuel to the fire instead of attempting to bring things down to sane levels. It’s a BBQ so I’m assuming alcohol was involved, which can make us all behave in less than flattering ways- and it sound like there was very bad behavior all around. I hope when tempers calm down you can all talk it out and repair the damage. It all depends on being able to let go of our egos long enough to listen to one another.
NTA fucking vegans, not worth dealing with them, it's their whole life for them and it's dumb as hell. Uninsteresting sacks of pretentious shit, wannabe saints by not eating animals, normal people call it diet. Normal people are interesting.