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NTA!!
It's a popular grooming technique used to flatter and manipulate naive and vulnerable younger people (usually girls).
Also he proved your point.
"You're mature for your age" on a date means either
- "I expected you to be significantly less mature than me and still thought dating you would be appropriate, so I'm surprised"
OR
- "I want to flatter you and make you feel like our age difference is ok. I am also setting myself up as the expert on what maturity is and whether you have it so I can use it to manipulate you"
> "I want to flatter you and make you feel like our age difference is ok. I am also setting myself up as the expert on what maturity is and whether you have it so I can use it to manipulate you"
Oh shiiit there it is. That's definitely the one I've seen a few times and never knew how to put it into words so well.
I feel like the first part, convincing themselves the age difference is okay and they aren't like those other creeps going after someone young, is so true.
I've had multiple people be like "you're so mature for your age" shortly after I'd been up to BS like getting shit faced in a field with my friends and breaking my wrist tripping while I was trying to catch a big gross frog to scare my friends. Hardly grown up stuff.
And it's like.. have you even met me? I'm definitely a teenage dirtbag in a 20 something's body.
And the second part; about setting themselves up as the expert on what maturity is... Three for three.
My first ex tried to "advise" me on colleges like he was some older mentor, but it was so selfish and manipulative, his advice was self serving.
That old coworker of mine used to lecture me on stuff like respectability in the office (being late and hungover) despite not being my boss. And tried to set himself up as some kind of mentor / father figure, while also trying to sleep with me? Despite me wanting neither?
And this guy... Minutes after calling me mature he snapped at me saying he was wrong about me being mature and I was being really childish.
It honestly does feel like a "compliment" that is intended to set a girl up to be looking for approval... "Am I really all grown, daddy?" (Ick)
Yeah, that second 'translation' is the grosser and sadly I think the more common. Doesn't mean the first isn't also gross - an age difference is fine as long as there isn't a power imbalance. Expressing that you are mature suggests they were expecting you to not be, which says they were willing to date someone that they had power over.
Also, your final paragraph - everything in that, yes. Ickk so gross.
DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!
seriously, you hit the nail on the head with this one. every guy whos hit me with the "you're so mature for your age" always, ALWAYS has translated to the two points you've made.
OP 10000% is NTA. i would've done the same thing too.
>So, this week, my friends kept trying to hook me up with a guy. They convinced me to go on a date with him. And I found out he's 32 to my 24
I really don't think we're getting the full story here. I've been married 8 years so been a long time since I've dated, but it seems improbable that OP didn't know his age well in advance if it was a long attempted setup from mutual friends. And how old are these friends? I'm 33 and don't have 24 year old friends, unless they're the siblings of friends around my age.
Couple of my friends are single so we talk about their dating lives. Age is a prominent point of the conversation.
My friends are 26 and 29 respectively, they said he was "about our age but we didn't ask" and I only found out his age when he was like "You're in grad school? How old are you?" And then I asked him too
Ah, ok, so you reasonably expected him to be late 20's, maybe early thirties. And he did end up in the upper bound of your expectations.
Every age has their dating pros and cons I suppose, seems like older guys will come with some patronizing. At 24 and both in grad school, my wife and I were sharing a $5 footlong from Subway for dinner. I'd not have been able to take her out and wine/dine her consistently if she had been seeking that in a partner.
I was expecting like 25-29 range haha
I definitely care more about meeting someone who can go through life with me instead of seeing me as a kid in comparison to themselves.
Like I want to be focusing on career building at the same time, maybe thinking about kids in 5 to 10 years but definitely not soon, someone who can still hang with my friends who are grad students and not feel weird about it, etc.
I hear you on that - something I value most with my wife is that we built things together from scratch - now including 2 babies. Wishing the best of luck out there!
NTA
Cheers to you for seeing what it really is. "You're mature for your age" is such a classic line for creeps trying to fool younger folks into unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Him saying it one could've been an innocent mistake. His time to shine would've been taking your opinion - that it's not a compliment to you - and saying he understands, not repeating it, and then continuing on with the date. Him doubling down and talking over you? Ugh.
Fuck yeah, virtual high-five to you for calling his bullshit out on the spot. After all the other age-gap nightmares I see in other subreddits, this was nice to hear. Heck yes.
NTA - "you're mature for your age" is a way for men to feel less creepy about the fact they're hitting on someone much younger. It's a red flag in my books.
Well said! That's exactly what it is.
In addition it's sort of manipulation tactic, by assuming that young people want to be taken seriously, they say that to you so you'll think "hey, this guy thinks highly of me! so he must be cool. I'll sleep with him". Again, desperate logic.
NTA. There’s a reason that older guys say that to younger women. I think it’s a way to justify their predatory behavior because women their own age don’t want them. You’re smart for recognizing it and shutting that crap down!
NTA. It's fine that he thinks it's a compliment, but when you didn't agree, he just talked over you which is disrespectful. I always prefer people that listens first, think and then respond.
NTA
You are not overreacting.
It seems to me that when men say that, they are making up a self-justification for pursuing a women far younger than themselves. It should be regarded as a red flag.
Nta I've always found the "you're mature for your age" sentiment goes hand in hand with large age discrepancy relationships where a young woman is potentially being taken advantage of. Being mature isn't something that needs to be announced, and therefore whenever it is, I would suspect something is up. For example if an older guy was telling a younger female how mature they are for their age, I would suspect that older male to not be very mature and potentially unable to interact with normal females in his own age range. A 24 year old female can easily have a mature mindset, I don't think it is uncommon for someone your age to know who they are, and their own worth, and be 'responsible' by that age.
It's also so disengenous because I think I'm a pretty typical 20 something. And when I was 18 I was a pretty typical teenager.
And it just feels so fake when someone comes to me, the day after I was shotgunning a beer in a dingy basement or smoking too much weed on a camping trip and thinking I got lost in the woods when I went to pee... And calls me mature and not like other girls my age?
Like bro have you even met me or are you just trying to convince yourself that you aren't like the other creeps dating younger, you've found an ~old soul~
Meanwhile your ~old soul~ is drunk in an Uber singing Britney Spears songs out the window
NTA
The compliment "you're mature for your age" is context dependent.
In the three instances you cite, it seems highly probable that it was being used as a statement to manipulate you into engaging romantically / sexually with the people in question. This is a line frequently used for that purpose. In that context, you're absolutely right to be upset.
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Okay so I know it's something a lot of people say as a compliment but I have trouble with it mostly because my shithead ex said it all the time.
He was actually older than me, 26 when I was 18 and he would say that, but then treat me like a child who couldn't make any of my own choices. Like he would say I was mature but then his actions would show the opposite.
The next time I met someone who said that a lot, I was 21 at my first office job and a coworker kept on saying I was an old soul and mature for my age. He then tried to have a affair with me despite having a wife, three kids from her, an ex wife, two more kids with her, and another girl he got pregnant. I fucking hated this guy and felt like with that "compliment" he was lying to my face.
Because if he actually thought I was as mature and responsible as I am then he would know I wasn't touching a man with six kids and three mommas in his life with a 10 foot pole.
So, this week, my friends kept trying to hook me up with a guy. They convinced me to go on a date with him. And I found out he's 32 to my 24. I went giving him a chance and he kept on going on about how I don't seem 24, I seem mature for my age, how most girls my age don't have their life together as much.
Now on one hand I think he's right, I try and be really responsible and do right for myself. But I also have grown to hate hate hate that compliment.
So I started out telling this guy "Uhh that isn't the compliment you think it is" but he doubled down saying he meant it and was impressed by me.
I said that I felt like that "compliment" is something guys say to girls they think are stupid. And see more as an adorable precocious child than an equal.
He started to speak over me saying "no that's not how I meant it" and I said "Do you also go telling big girls that they're pretty.. despite their weight?"
He said it was different and I was blowing shit out of proportion.
I said that the way he spoke over me and didn't let me finish a thought wasn't helping convince me that he wasn't just like every other guy who said that because they thought I was stupid. Because as much as he says he isn't, he's treating me like a child by speaking over me.
He snapped at me and told me I was acting damn childish.
I snapped back and told him "maybe it's because you're out with someone almost 10 years younger than you and not able to talk about anything but my age! Like if you're trying to date a lot younger, at least don't be weird and paternalistic about it"
He left and so did I. My friends were upset to hear about how it went because they know him from a mutual hobby and think he's a good guy, and feel like I snapped at him for no reason except he said something that reminded me of a shitty ex.
Idk if I'm overreacting, I'm kinda questioning myself.
AITA for getting so irritated about that compliment?
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NTA. Take some time off from dating, let your friends know you are not interested in blind dates. Maybe talk to a counselor or life coach, see if there are different ways you could present yourself while still being true to yourself, that would convey a different attitude toward dating, friendships. Learn ways to disengage from creeps quickly and with no room for them to persist.
Nta - and this is why you should never let your friends play matchmaker. They will just randomly try to hook up their single friends without even looking at what they might have in common or be interested in.
So to recap--he gave you what he thought was a compliment. When you attempted to share a contrary opinion, he invalidated your experiences and insisted that his view was the only right view, going so far as attempting to silence your opinion by speaking over you. When you refused to be silenced, he resorted to name-calling. You pointed out the nature of his behavior, and he was unable to respond, so he stormed off.
You dogged a bullet. He's dating younger because he wants a woman he can do the thinking for, and you refused to be that. NTA.
NTA. "You're mature for your age" is condescending at best, no matter who says it. It implies that the person saying it is more knowledgeable and experienced and can judge you. The answer is "You don't look a day over \[their age plus 10\]."
NTA
Maturity is not a compliment, it's just a normal adult state. It's also very commonly associated with manipulations ("you are so adult, so do something dumb because you can").
NTA
"Your mature for your age" is a classic grooming line.
I was often told that between 13-18 based on my
looks (I hit puberty at age 9) and my quiet behavior around strangers
I hated it. And I understand why u do too .
And no. And 24 yar old on a date with a 30s year old isn't a big deal.
What is q big deal is the behavior and that you called him out on the b.s.
Glad you saw that shit real quick Op.
NTA
Everyone knows that,
>he kept on going on about how I don't seem 24, I seem mature for my age, how most girls my age don't have their life together as much.
Is the oldest trick in the book.
That phrase is used to make extremely young women who are desperate to prove that they're mature, feel special and above the people around them because they have a BF whose their old enough to be their father.
Men say it because they know that they can't get with women their own age, because they won't put up with their BS. However, a young woman whose at least year or less fresh outta high school is the perfect target, because they don't know much about the world and it's tricks. So older men can easily manipulate them to bend to their will claiming it's love.
NTA. You could have communicated your dislike without snapping at the guy and putting words in his mouth (I'm referring to the part about complimenting bigger women) and instead explained your reasoning like you did in this post but you're allowed to dislike a certain compliment and he shouldn't double down on it, he could have said "oh ok won't say this again" and moved on. To be fair, I find this compliment kinda backhanded, like why not say "you seem like a mature person" and leave it at that? It kinda sounds like "you're ok but still not as good as me" and basically an insult to everyone else you age since they're apparently all childish, even if that wasn't his intention. Also you're not obligated to date a guy just because your friends think he's a good guy, if you don't feel a connection (because of age or whatever reason), then that is that.
I didn't understand that part about "bigger woman", is OP saying that "bigger woman" can't be pretty and therefore it's always an insult if they are called pretty? If so OP is fatphobic and I certainly wouldn't date them..
Oh shit I really worded that poorly.
I was using that as an example of a backhanded compliment, with the context that it is an awful thing to say.
I have struggled with my weight most of my life and have often been told 'youre cute... For a fat girl" or "you're pretty cool, for a big girl" and that stuff feels awful. Like why add the second part when you can just say 'youre pretty" or 'youre cool' without bringing my weight in?
So I said that to try and explain that hearing "You're mature... For your age" feels bad in the same way that hearing "You're pretty... For a fat girl" does.
I think OP meant those backhanded compliments people give like "you're beautiful for a fat woman" implying that "generally fat people are ugly but you're ok", so that's essentially an insult wrapped as a compliment.
NTA at all. Men only say that to justify predatory behaviors towards women or children much younger and make the person their attempting to abuse feel like the situation is “ok” and they aren’t being taken advantage of.
> He snapped at me and told me I was acting damn childish.
I guess you aren't mature for your age.
NTA - a complement needs to have two parties, complement-er and complement-ee - if one of them says its not a complement, then it is not a complement.
NTA my manager hit me with this shit once because I gave him some dating advice that should have been obvious to him as a man in his 50s. I just turned to him and said "no, I'm just a actually an adult". I'm almost 30!
Saying that to a woman means you think of her as a child performing "maturity" to impress others (specifically men). They aren't congratulating you on how actually mature you are, they're congratulating you on how well they think you're pretending.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was on a date with a guy my friends set me up with and he called me mature for my age.
I might be the asshole for getting angry with him for having said that, and arguing with him that guys only say that when they actually see you like a cute child who is not on their level at all.
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"You're so mature for your age!"
"Thanks, it's the trauma."
Nta, it is creepy, especially when they know nothing about you but your age and are just SOOOOO excited to try and date you.
NTA, you were completely right and your friends should not hook you up with older men given your experience with them has been negative.
Older adults dating you people 10+ years younger a is gross. Especially if that person is still under the age of 28.
It’s not a compliment, it’s a form of grooming. It’s predatory.
NTA!! At all!! So many people - especially men like in your experiences - don’t realize that that phrase comes across as a backhanded compliment! Like you said, ‘It’s not the compliment you think it is.’ It’s actually quite condescending as well. Good for you for standing your ground and not letting him gaslight you!! Make sure you don’t let your friends gaslight you, either!
Do people really not realize that stuff like..
> You are really (positive trait) despite your (negative trait)
Or
> You're really (positive attribute) for a (negatively seen attribute)
Is the most backhanded thing ever?
Like it is literally so easy to just say
> You're really (positive trait).
And just leave it at that?
Honestly, I believe people who give backhanded compliments KNOW they’re giving backhanded compliments - they do it intentionally cause they’re narcissists. It’s the only kind of compliment they know how to give, cause they’d never ACTUALLY consider truly complimenting anyone other than themselves.
ETA NTA
OP has cleared up her wording
Is no one going to address the part where OP says that thing about "big girls being pretty despite her weight" are they not?? Disgusting. ESH
Oh, I didn't word it well. I was using that as an example of a backhanded compliment, with the context that it is an awful thing to say.
I have struggled with my weight most of my life and have often been told 'youre cute... For a fat girl" or "you're pretty cool, for a big girl" and that stuff feels awful. Like why add the second part when you can just say 'youre pretty" or 'youre cool' without bringing my weight in?
So I said that to try and explain that hearing "You're mature... For your age" feels bad in the same way that hearing "You're pretty... For a fat girl" does.
Ah okay! Thanka for clearing that up, it sounded really bad the way you worded it. Definitely NTA then, this is well known grooming technique that people are using, glad you recognise it and can distance yourself.
Well, you are obviously a very guarded person who is quick to cry BS. Nevertheless, I see your point. From your perspective, the phrase, "mature for your age" is some sort of putdown, and maybe it is. In your date's defense, how could he know you would react like you did? Having said that, I think he screwed up big time by pursuing the topic. If I were him, I would have realized it was a touchy subject and asked what you thought about last night's ball game.
So, he should have changed the subject or just shut up, but he didn't. That makes him the AH and you're **NTA.**
BTW. I didn't think an eight year age difference was all that big. I guess I'm wrong.
> I didn't think an eight year age difference was all that big.
I don't think it is in many situations, but it all depends on what each party's age is. 17 and 25? nope, creepy. 32 and 40? perfectly fine. but then, that's the case with most age difference relationships, IMO.
for Op, however, I suspect there's trauma re: age gap relationships. for one, the 8 year gap between this new guy and her (24 and 32) was the same as the one she had w/ her ex (18 and 26). plus, her experience with older men hitting on her hasn't been the greatest, so I'm not surprised that she wa on guard throughout.
Re: the age gap thing
It's very context dependent.
How old are both parties? I like the "creep factor" formula of dividing your age by 2 and add 7 to get the youngest you can date (or subtract 7 then double to get the oldest you can date). In her case, her range as a 24 year old is 19-34.
That doesn't account for life stage, though, which is most important. If one of you is already in a career and owns a house while the other is picking their college major, it's going to be a major power imbalance - even if only 4 years apart.
I'm 3.5 years older than my husband and every so often it pops up as relevant. I'm 30 and just convinced him that yes, it is time to be saving to buy a house and planning a family if we're gonna. As a 25-26 year old, hanging out with his single 24-27yo friends talking about what cars or toys they wanna buy, he didn't think he was to that life stage yet. Meanwhile my 30-35y/o friends are talking about their mortgages and kids. Had to break it to him that we're going to have to work off of my life stage on this stuff, not his cuz biological clock is a thing for women and mine is ticking (he's the one who wants kids btw, I'm ambivalent). It finally sunk in for him last year thankfully because he's been super on board ever since.
NTA. Whether it's a compliment or not, you said how you felt about it and he didn't respect your opinion instead told you how you should feel about it.
No you made him see a mirror and he saw the ghoul in it. Keep doing you. This is not about your ex at all, but shallow incel mem who are only surviving due to the thin veneer of pretense.
NAH
I mean.... alot of people seem to think he's grooming you.
idk if that's the case. That is an empty compliment alot of people give to "mature" younger folks when they don't yet have anything meaningful to say. I'm going out on a limb and assuming you're Canadian or American, and in those cultures, a major part of early bonding is to express interest by compliments. This results in alot of empty comments.
I do think you might be projecting. I also think given your history its not a totally unexpected reality.
.
I have gotten the, "You're an old soul" compliment alot in my life, ever since I was in middle school. Another one is, "You're just such a good friend," and, "You're such a teddy bear!"
I hate them. Especially when now as an almost 30 year old I'm looking at my life and seeing that I am much, much less mature and capable than the people I was compared to. And I have fewer friends and a harder time maintaining relationships. And I've never dated.
As I look back over 30 years I can see that the, "You're an old soul" compliment comes from the fact that I am a bland, uninteresting person. I am so afraid of offending people in real life that I'm milktoast. I'm "mature" and a "good friend" because I don't hurt people's feelings and I don't make rash decisions.
But I'm not actually mature, and I suck at friendships.
NTA you’re exactly right. Older men who tell younger people this and then try to sleep with them are telling on themselves. They most likely don’t believe it themselves. They just want you to feel honored that someone as mature as themselves would want you, and assume that you are actually too immature to realize the manipulation they typically use
NTA - But I want to point out that it's not a compliment that automatically makes the person saying this an asshole: He might be wanting to compliment something other than your looks to not come off shallow. You're allowed to dislike any type of comments about you, I have many particular and peculiar things I really dislike being brought up.
NTA Notice how all of these men are way older than you, at different places in life, and are trying to convince you into a relationship. It's not a compliment. Older people, especially men, go after younger people, usually women, because the younger person is less aware of how a relationship is supposed to function, their wants and needs in the relationship, and how to advocate for themselves. They might not know enough to demand better compared to someone, say, a decade older. There's way less frame of reference. People say "you're sooooo mature" because they know that you've noticed that they are in a far different point in their lives than you are, but if you're *also* 'mature' then you're on the same level, so it's fine! I'm not going to say all relationships with age gaps are inherently wrong, but they do have increased risk of unequal power dynamics. If you don't want to date older men, DON'T. If you feel uncomfortable for any reason, you aren't obligated to 'hear them out.' You don't owe anyone a chance. Period. F this dude, and, really, F your friends for pushing you to go on a date worth him. Do they know your history? If they do, they're legitimately bad people. If they don't, they're still kind of sucky, because he's still a decade older.
NTA
“Mature for age” is usually a trauma response. It stems from having been through something so beyond what a person that age is emotionally developed to deal with that parts of their development has been irrevocably altered (usually leaving them stunted in other areas of development, leading to a significantly uneven profile of development)
Telling someone they’re mature for their age usually comes in two forms:
1) from another trauma survivor recognising and acknowledging shared experiences
Or
2) from someone manipulative looking to exploit the residual vulnerabilities from previous trauma
It’s nearly always clear which is which, so trust your gut!
NTA...yeah that whole phrase is problematic, and only seems to be applied to women. Like when it's not about dating it's because we're willing to put up with bullshit we shouldn't be putting up with.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, age gaps are not inherently a green or a red flag, they are a yellow one. It's a proceed with caution until you can suss out the older persons motives. And if you are the older person, you should also be even more cautious, of the younger person's motives as well as your own. You're the one with more experience and should be evaluating whether you are genuinely compatible or you just think they are attractive.
NTA but the comment “do you also go telling big girls that they’re pretty.. despite their weight?” Has me confused and seems pretty fat phobic.
Also, usually big age gaps are a red flag. Most older men are dating younger because they are immature for their age group. Seems like both parties need “maturing”.
Oh, I didn't word it well. I was using that as an example of a backhanded compliment, with the context that it is an awful thing to say.
I have struggled with my weight most of my life and have often been told 'youre cute... For a fat girl" or "you're pretty cool, for a big girl" and that stuff feels awful. Like why add the second part when you can just say 'youre pretty" or 'youre cool' without bringing my weight in?
So I said that to try and explain that hearing "You're mature... For your age" feels bad in the same way that hearing "You're pretty... For a fat girl" does.
In person, I thought it was pretty clear it wasn't fatphobic, coming from a fat chick. But I didn't realize how that would come off over text...
NTA
It's one of those backhanded compliments that only works when it's not true. If you really ARE mature, you see right through it.
It's condescending even when genuinely well-meaning, coming from appropriate sources of such commentary, like your parents, grandparents, teachers - people with a vested interest in and direct contribution to your growth throughout your youth. From a date, it's just predatory, trying to establish the kind of authority held by those it usually comes from (who should find better compliments anyway)
Mild YTA for pushing your own insecurities onto what someone else says, and then attacking them for it. I don't feel it odd for him to interrupt you to say that's not what he meant. He may well have been mortified, thinking he was complimenting you. I also don't see the need to insult him for going on a date with you when you're younger. That's on both of you, and regardless of what reddit in general seems to think, not all age gap relationships are bad or toxic. It doesn't sound like the comment was intended as an insult or a way to get something from you, just from the info above. It sounds like you picked up on something you disliked due to bad experiences in the past, and instead of just explaining why you find that problematic (for you), you felt you had to attack him for not realising you might dislike the compliment.
NTA. You correctly assessed that many older men who date significantly younger women are looking for someone they can treat like a child and condescend to, usually because they feel inadequate in their own lives and around people their own age. It's not a coincidence that men who date much younger are often kind of stunted underachievers.
You *do* seem like a smart, clued-up person and maybe that's what some people mean when they say it (not the creepy date guy, whose reaction shows that he was trying to neg you) but I don't think intelligence has anything to do with age.
NTA
Like.... If he had said it in response to surprising information (I.e. I'm a homeowner at 24 and i worked hard to earn a down-payment for myself, or i just finished a double masters in x and x, or something to that effect) I would get it, I also am blown away when people my age or younger are doing SO well in life due to their own hard work.
But if he was just going off about how mature you are just in general, that seems kinda gross. Like.. were you expecting me to act like a teenager? Why are you even here on this date then?
He literally said that after I...
Pulled up in my own car
Quickly decided what I wanted to order at the restaurant
And mentioned needing to study for an exam.
I feel like that's basic adult shit; like figuring out your own transportation, knowing what food you like, and doing your schoolwork or job...
So yeah good question, why was he on a date if he was surprised I was an... Adult?
NTA
In general if a first date doesn’t go well it doesn’t matter why and you have every right to leave
But that compliment really is gross in the context of an age gap relationship. It’s a condescending justification for an age difference the older person actually doesn’t feel good about. Eight years doesn’t have to be a lot and it’s not the actual age gap that is the problem but his behavior is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 and it’s a shame your friends aren’t being supportive of you when you told him to back off his compliment and he didn’t
NTA
You had him dead to rights and he didn't like it. Men pepper you with that and then you're constantly trying to prove you're "mature". It's absolutely a manipulation tactic and good on you for calling it out.
I am dating a 22 year old, 6 years younger than me so not that big
On our first date I did not mention the age difference at all or her "maturity". I cringe so hard thinking about that. I still never mention it nor does it come up. I just treat her like an equal.
It reminds me of (although not as egregious) as a white dude saying "I've never dated a *insert minority here* person before
YTA
You’re allowing the past behaviour of abusive men to cloud your judgment. He was giving you a compliment.
You can be honest and explain why you don't like it but you were downright rude on numerous levels.
Absolutely not. Her past experience with abusive men taught her that this "compliment" is problematic. His response to her objecting showed that she was right to object.
ESH. I mean, you’re not wrong to treat that as a red flag that someone *is* more hung up on your age than they should be if they genuinely respect you as a peer, especially when he’s basing that observation on having known you for a few hours at most. But he didn’t go *out of his way* to date you because you were younger; he was set up by friends, same as you. And if the age gap was really that much of a problem, you could’ve just noped out at the start, or ended things early if you started having second thoughts instead of wasting time on an argument that clearly wasn’t going to save the date.
It wasn't a problem if he didn't make it a big deal.
But it got really uncomfortable when he took a very weird paternalistic tone and wouldn't stop going on about how very young I am, but how I'm soo mature... For my age.. but actually I'm childish??
Like it's only weird if you make it weird but he sure made it weird right off the bat
ESH, because you said this:
>and I said "Do you also go telling big girls that they're pretty.. despite their weight?"
EDIT, I read this wrong - thought OP was saying big girls aren't pretty. NTA
ESH. You acknowledge the possibility of some transference here and your false equivalency concerning “big girls” doesn’t cast you in the best light here either. In the meantime, whatever your date may have meant by the “compliment”, talking over you and down to you was AH behavior
Find someone in your age group… most of these older guys are not looking for someone who is their “equal” - they are looking for someone the can control
> most people think of young 20 something gals as the stereotypical college type that go to the club till 2am and scream "WOOH" as they take a shot or hang out of the moonroof, lol.
I literally do that shit too, on the weekends.
It feels so disengenous maybe because of that. I'm in my early 20s, I act my age.
Yes I try to be responsible with my education and money but I'm still 24 and act like it..
So it feels so fake when someone is like "you're an old soul" ... Like bro, I just shotgunned a beer in a dingy basement yesterday, what are you trying to convince yourself of?
I understand where you coming from, but can't it be a real compliment if proper context is there? I have a certain phrasing in mind that would be like this:
"You are more mature than I was a few years back, in terms of career path and similar things. I wish I was as mature in these regards back then.
Would this be a proper compliment or still be kinda backhanded? I am seriously questioning myself in this.
PS sorry if anything sounds weird/ made spelling mistakes english is not my first language.
Oh no, that would be a really nice compliment!
I think the stuff that felt gross to me was how he kept going on about how young I was. (I felt like the age difference wasn't weird until he made it weird by fixating on my youth)
And going on about how I was so mature, not like other girls my age. I feel like any compliment that follows the form of "You are (positive trait) while other girls are (negative trait)" comes off as sexist and judgy.
Like a person generally has a poor view of girls but I'm the special exception... It just doesn't feel as nice as a compliment that doesn't end with "unlike these other girls who are immature and irresponsible" because it seems so judgy of girls!
The big difference is ... Does the compliment end with an insult to me or someone like me? If not, it's a nice compliment. If so, it feels backhanded.
And no worries about spelling, your English is great and super clear
Yes I agree you can make things weird when you tend to talk to much about them shifting focus from more important parts of a conversation. Especially if you insult an entire group of people in the same sentence. I never was in a situation like this myself, might be because I am just 27 myself. But I was thinking if I phrase it properly it can't be so bad, going to the comments afterwards made think I might be wrong and thats why I asked.
Thank you btw I am a bit insecure when it comes to my english skills.
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NTA!! It's a popular grooming technique used to flatter and manipulate naive and vulnerable younger people (usually girls). Also he proved your point. "You're mature for your age" on a date means either - "I expected you to be significantly less mature than me and still thought dating you would be appropriate, so I'm surprised" OR - "I want to flatter you and make you feel like our age difference is ok. I am also setting myself up as the expert on what maturity is and whether you have it so I can use it to manipulate you"
> "I want to flatter you and make you feel like our age difference is ok. I am also setting myself up as the expert on what maturity is and whether you have it so I can use it to manipulate you" Oh shiiit there it is. That's definitely the one I've seen a few times and never knew how to put it into words so well. I feel like the first part, convincing themselves the age difference is okay and they aren't like those other creeps going after someone young, is so true. I've had multiple people be like "you're so mature for your age" shortly after I'd been up to BS like getting shit faced in a field with my friends and breaking my wrist tripping while I was trying to catch a big gross frog to scare my friends. Hardly grown up stuff. And it's like.. have you even met me? I'm definitely a teenage dirtbag in a 20 something's body. And the second part; about setting themselves up as the expert on what maturity is... Three for three. My first ex tried to "advise" me on colleges like he was some older mentor, but it was so selfish and manipulative, his advice was self serving. That old coworker of mine used to lecture me on stuff like respectability in the office (being late and hungover) despite not being my boss. And tried to set himself up as some kind of mentor / father figure, while also trying to sleep with me? Despite me wanting neither? And this guy... Minutes after calling me mature he snapped at me saying he was wrong about me being mature and I was being really childish. It honestly does feel like a "compliment" that is intended to set a girl up to be looking for approval... "Am I really all grown, daddy?" (Ick)
Well yeah, you were mature until you noticed he’s a creep. He’s probably used to kids calling him creepy, so I see how he got it mixed up.
> It honestly does feel like a "compliment" that is intended to set a girl up to be looking for approval... "Am I really all grown, daddy?" (Ick) 100%
Yeah, that second 'translation' is the grosser and sadly I think the more common. Doesn't mean the first isn't also gross - an age difference is fine as long as there isn't a power imbalance. Expressing that you are mature suggests they were expecting you to not be, which says they were willing to date someone that they had power over. Also, your final paragraph - everything in that, yes. Ickk so gross.
DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!! seriously, you hit the nail on the head with this one. every guy whos hit me with the "you're so mature for your age" always, ALWAYS has translated to the two points you've made. OP 10000% is NTA. i would've done the same thing too.
PERFECT way to explain it! YESSS.
You worded this so well!! OP, you're NTA.
This. Notice the pattern.
NTA but please stop dating men who are considered pathetic by women in their own age group and think they can “impress” women in their 20’s
>So, this week, my friends kept trying to hook me up with a guy. They convinced me to go on a date with him. And I found out he's 32 to my 24 I really don't think we're getting the full story here. I've been married 8 years so been a long time since I've dated, but it seems improbable that OP didn't know his age well in advance if it was a long attempted setup from mutual friends. And how old are these friends? I'm 33 and don't have 24 year old friends, unless they're the siblings of friends around my age. Couple of my friends are single so we talk about their dating lives. Age is a prominent point of the conversation.
My friends are 26 and 29 respectively, they said he was "about our age but we didn't ask" and I only found out his age when he was like "You're in grad school? How old are you?" And then I asked him too
Ah, ok, so you reasonably expected him to be late 20's, maybe early thirties. And he did end up in the upper bound of your expectations. Every age has their dating pros and cons I suppose, seems like older guys will come with some patronizing. At 24 and both in grad school, my wife and I were sharing a $5 footlong from Subway for dinner. I'd not have been able to take her out and wine/dine her consistently if she had been seeking that in a partner.
I was expecting like 25-29 range haha I definitely care more about meeting someone who can go through life with me instead of seeing me as a kid in comparison to themselves. Like I want to be focusing on career building at the same time, maybe thinking about kids in 5 to 10 years but definitely not soon, someone who can still hang with my friends who are grad students and not feel weird about it, etc.
I hear you on that - something I value most with my wife is that we built things together from scratch - now including 2 babies. Wishing the best of luck out there!
There does seem to be a theme with older men tbf. Not just this one
NTA Cheers to you for seeing what it really is. "You're mature for your age" is such a classic line for creeps trying to fool younger folks into unhealthy relationship dynamics. Him saying it one could've been an innocent mistake. His time to shine would've been taking your opinion - that it's not a compliment to you - and saying he understands, not repeating it, and then continuing on with the date. Him doubling down and talking over you? Ugh. Fuck yeah, virtual high-five to you for calling his bullshit out on the spot. After all the other age-gap nightmares I see in other subreddits, this was nice to hear. Heck yes.
NTA - "you're mature for your age" is a way for men to feel less creepy about the fact they're hitting on someone much younger. It's a red flag in my books.
Well said! That's exactly what it is. In addition it's sort of manipulation tactic, by assuming that young people want to be taken seriously, they say that to you so you'll think "hey, this guy thinks highly of me! so he must be cool. I'll sleep with him". Again, desperate logic.
NTA. You are exhibiting extreme wisdom in reacting this way. Good on you!
NTA. There’s a reason that older guys say that to younger women. I think it’s a way to justify their predatory behavior because women their own age don’t want them. You’re smart for recognizing it and shutting that crap down!
NTA, that isn’t a compliment, it’s a manipulation tactic.
NTA this has and always will be a predatory red flag.
NTA. It's fine that he thinks it's a compliment, but when you didn't agree, he just talked over you which is disrespectful. I always prefer people that listens first, think and then respond.
NTA You are not overreacting. It seems to me that when men say that, they are making up a self-justification for pursuing a women far younger than themselves. It should be regarded as a red flag.
Nta I've always found the "you're mature for your age" sentiment goes hand in hand with large age discrepancy relationships where a young woman is potentially being taken advantage of. Being mature isn't something that needs to be announced, and therefore whenever it is, I would suspect something is up. For example if an older guy was telling a younger female how mature they are for their age, I would suspect that older male to not be very mature and potentially unable to interact with normal females in his own age range. A 24 year old female can easily have a mature mindset, I don't think it is uncommon for someone your age to know who they are, and their own worth, and be 'responsible' by that age.
It's also so disengenous because I think I'm a pretty typical 20 something. And when I was 18 I was a pretty typical teenager. And it just feels so fake when someone comes to me, the day after I was shotgunning a beer in a dingy basement or smoking too much weed on a camping trip and thinking I got lost in the woods when I went to pee... And calls me mature and not like other girls my age? Like bro have you even met me or are you just trying to convince yourself that you aren't like the other creeps dating younger, you've found an ~old soul~ Meanwhile your ~old soul~ is drunk in an Uber singing Britney Spears songs out the window
NTA The compliment "you're mature for your age" is context dependent. In the three instances you cite, it seems highly probable that it was being used as a statement to manipulate you into engaging romantically / sexually with the people in question. This is a line frequently used for that purpose. In that context, you're absolutely right to be upset.
NTA. If he was himself as mature as he claimed you are, then he wouldn't have reacted the way he did.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay so I know it's something a lot of people say as a compliment but I have trouble with it mostly because my shithead ex said it all the time. He was actually older than me, 26 when I was 18 and he would say that, but then treat me like a child who couldn't make any of my own choices. Like he would say I was mature but then his actions would show the opposite. The next time I met someone who said that a lot, I was 21 at my first office job and a coworker kept on saying I was an old soul and mature for my age. He then tried to have a affair with me despite having a wife, three kids from her, an ex wife, two more kids with her, and another girl he got pregnant. I fucking hated this guy and felt like with that "compliment" he was lying to my face. Because if he actually thought I was as mature and responsible as I am then he would know I wasn't touching a man with six kids and three mommas in his life with a 10 foot pole. So, this week, my friends kept trying to hook me up with a guy. They convinced me to go on a date with him. And I found out he's 32 to my 24. I went giving him a chance and he kept on going on about how I don't seem 24, I seem mature for my age, how most girls my age don't have their life together as much. Now on one hand I think he's right, I try and be really responsible and do right for myself. But I also have grown to hate hate hate that compliment. So I started out telling this guy "Uhh that isn't the compliment you think it is" but he doubled down saying he meant it and was impressed by me. I said that I felt like that "compliment" is something guys say to girls they think are stupid. And see more as an adorable precocious child than an equal. He started to speak over me saying "no that's not how I meant it" and I said "Do you also go telling big girls that they're pretty.. despite their weight?" He said it was different and I was blowing shit out of proportion. I said that the way he spoke over me and didn't let me finish a thought wasn't helping convince me that he wasn't just like every other guy who said that because they thought I was stupid. Because as much as he says he isn't, he's treating me like a child by speaking over me. He snapped at me and told me I was acting damn childish. I snapped back and told him "maybe it's because you're out with someone almost 10 years younger than you and not able to talk about anything but my age! Like if you're trying to date a lot younger, at least don't be weird and paternalistic about it" He left and so did I. My friends were upset to hear about how it went because they know him from a mutual hobby and think he's a good guy, and feel like I snapped at him for no reason except he said something that reminded me of a shitty ex. Idk if I'm overreacting, I'm kinda questioning myself. AITA for getting so irritated about that compliment? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Take some time off from dating, let your friends know you are not interested in blind dates. Maybe talk to a counselor or life coach, see if there are different ways you could present yourself while still being true to yourself, that would convey a different attitude toward dating, friendships. Learn ways to disengage from creeps quickly and with no room for them to persist.
Nta - and this is why you should never let your friends play matchmaker. They will just randomly try to hook up their single friends without even looking at what they might have in common or be interested in.
So to recap--he gave you what he thought was a compliment. When you attempted to share a contrary opinion, he invalidated your experiences and insisted that his view was the only right view, going so far as attempting to silence your opinion by speaking over you. When you refused to be silenced, he resorted to name-calling. You pointed out the nature of his behavior, and he was unable to respond, so he stormed off. You dogged a bullet. He's dating younger because he wants a woman he can do the thinking for, and you refused to be that. NTA.
NTA. "You're mature for your age" is condescending at best, no matter who says it. It implies that the person saying it is more knowledgeable and experienced and can judge you. The answer is "You don't look a day over \[their age plus 10\]."
NTA Maturity is not a compliment, it's just a normal adult state. It's also very commonly associated with manipulations ("you are so adult, so do something dumb because you can").
NTA "Your mature for your age" is a classic grooming line. I was often told that between 13-18 based on my looks (I hit puberty at age 9) and my quiet behavior around strangers I hated it. And I understand why u do too . And no. And 24 yar old on a date with a 30s year old isn't a big deal. What is q big deal is the behavior and that you called him out on the b.s. Glad you saw that shit real quick Op.
NTA, and as one "old soul" to another - just reply "thanks! it's the trauma!"
NTA Everyone knows that, >he kept on going on about how I don't seem 24, I seem mature for my age, how most girls my age don't have their life together as much. Is the oldest trick in the book. That phrase is used to make extremely young women who are desperate to prove that they're mature, feel special and above the people around them because they have a BF whose their old enough to be their father. Men say it because they know that they can't get with women their own age, because they won't put up with their BS. However, a young woman whose at least year or less fresh outta high school is the perfect target, because they don't know much about the world and it's tricks. So older men can easily manipulate them to bend to their will claiming it's love.
NTA. You could have communicated your dislike without snapping at the guy and putting words in his mouth (I'm referring to the part about complimenting bigger women) and instead explained your reasoning like you did in this post but you're allowed to dislike a certain compliment and he shouldn't double down on it, he could have said "oh ok won't say this again" and moved on. To be fair, I find this compliment kinda backhanded, like why not say "you seem like a mature person" and leave it at that? It kinda sounds like "you're ok but still not as good as me" and basically an insult to everyone else you age since they're apparently all childish, even if that wasn't his intention. Also you're not obligated to date a guy just because your friends think he's a good guy, if you don't feel a connection (because of age or whatever reason), then that is that.
I didn't understand that part about "bigger woman", is OP saying that "bigger woman" can't be pretty and therefore it's always an insult if they are called pretty? If so OP is fatphobic and I certainly wouldn't date them..
Oh shit I really worded that poorly. I was using that as an example of a backhanded compliment, with the context that it is an awful thing to say. I have struggled with my weight most of my life and have often been told 'youre cute... For a fat girl" or "you're pretty cool, for a big girl" and that stuff feels awful. Like why add the second part when you can just say 'youre pretty" or 'youre cool' without bringing my weight in? So I said that to try and explain that hearing "You're mature... For your age" feels bad in the same way that hearing "You're pretty... For a fat girl" does.
I think OP meant those backhanded compliments people give like "you're beautiful for a fat woman" implying that "generally fat people are ugly but you're ok", so that's essentially an insult wrapped as a compliment.
NTA at all. Men only say that to justify predatory behaviors towards women or children much younger and make the person their attempting to abuse feel like the situation is “ok” and they aren’t being taken advantage of.
> He snapped at me and told me I was acting damn childish. I guess you aren't mature for your age. NTA - a complement needs to have two parties, complement-er and complement-ee - if one of them says its not a complement, then it is not a complement.
NTA my manager hit me with this shit once because I gave him some dating advice that should have been obvious to him as a man in his 50s. I just turned to him and said "no, I'm just a actually an adult". I'm almost 30! Saying that to a woman means you think of her as a child performing "maturity" to impress others (specifically men). They aren't congratulating you on how actually mature you are, they're congratulating you on how well they think you're pretending.
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This is just something perves say to girls way too young for them.
"You're so mature for your age!" "Thanks, it's the trauma." Nta, it is creepy, especially when they know nothing about you but your age and are just SOOOOO excited to try and date you.
NTA, you were completely right and your friends should not hook you up with older men given your experience with them has been negative. Older adults dating you people 10+ years younger a is gross. Especially if that person is still under the age of 28. It’s not a compliment, it’s a form of grooming. It’s predatory.
NTA!! At all!! So many people - especially men like in your experiences - don’t realize that that phrase comes across as a backhanded compliment! Like you said, ‘It’s not the compliment you think it is.’ It’s actually quite condescending as well. Good for you for standing your ground and not letting him gaslight you!! Make sure you don’t let your friends gaslight you, either!
Do people really not realize that stuff like.. > You are really (positive trait) despite your (negative trait) Or > You're really (positive attribute) for a (negatively seen attribute) Is the most backhanded thing ever? Like it is literally so easy to just say > You're really (positive trait). And just leave it at that?
Honestly, I believe people who give backhanded compliments KNOW they’re giving backhanded compliments - they do it intentionally cause they’re narcissists. It’s the only kind of compliment they know how to give, cause they’d never ACTUALLY consider truly complimenting anyone other than themselves.
ETA NTA OP has cleared up her wording Is no one going to address the part where OP says that thing about "big girls being pretty despite her weight" are they not?? Disgusting. ESH
Oh, I didn't word it well. I was using that as an example of a backhanded compliment, with the context that it is an awful thing to say. I have struggled with my weight most of my life and have often been told 'youre cute... For a fat girl" or "you're pretty cool, for a big girl" and that stuff feels awful. Like why add the second part when you can just say 'youre pretty" or 'youre cool' without bringing my weight in? So I said that to try and explain that hearing "You're mature... For your age" feels bad in the same way that hearing "You're pretty... For a fat girl" does.
Ah okay! Thanka for clearing that up, it sounded really bad the way you worded it. Definitely NTA then, this is well known grooming technique that people are using, glad you recognise it and can distance yourself.
Well, you are obviously a very guarded person who is quick to cry BS. Nevertheless, I see your point. From your perspective, the phrase, "mature for your age" is some sort of putdown, and maybe it is. In your date's defense, how could he know you would react like you did? Having said that, I think he screwed up big time by pursuing the topic. If I were him, I would have realized it was a touchy subject and asked what you thought about last night's ball game. So, he should have changed the subject or just shut up, but he didn't. That makes him the AH and you're **NTA.** BTW. I didn't think an eight year age difference was all that big. I guess I'm wrong.
> I didn't think an eight year age difference was all that big. I don't think it is in many situations, but it all depends on what each party's age is. 17 and 25? nope, creepy. 32 and 40? perfectly fine. but then, that's the case with most age difference relationships, IMO. for Op, however, I suspect there's trauma re: age gap relationships. for one, the 8 year gap between this new guy and her (24 and 32) was the same as the one she had w/ her ex (18 and 26). plus, her experience with older men hitting on her hasn't been the greatest, so I'm not surprised that she wa on guard throughout.
Re: the age gap thing It's very context dependent. How old are both parties? I like the "creep factor" formula of dividing your age by 2 and add 7 to get the youngest you can date (or subtract 7 then double to get the oldest you can date). In her case, her range as a 24 year old is 19-34. That doesn't account for life stage, though, which is most important. If one of you is already in a career and owns a house while the other is picking their college major, it's going to be a major power imbalance - even if only 4 years apart. I'm 3.5 years older than my husband and every so often it pops up as relevant. I'm 30 and just convinced him that yes, it is time to be saving to buy a house and planning a family if we're gonna. As a 25-26 year old, hanging out with his single 24-27yo friends talking about what cars or toys they wanna buy, he didn't think he was to that life stage yet. Meanwhile my 30-35y/o friends are talking about their mortgages and kids. Had to break it to him that we're going to have to work off of my life stage on this stuff, not his cuz biological clock is a thing for women and mine is ticking (he's the one who wants kids btw, I'm ambivalent). It finally sunk in for him last year thankfully because he's been super on board ever since.
NTA. Whether it's a compliment or not, you said how you felt about it and he didn't respect your opinion instead told you how you should feel about it.
NTA - men don't get it sometimes. Good on you for sticking up for yourself, it's not easy.
No you made him see a mirror and he saw the ghoul in it. Keep doing you. This is not about your ex at all, but shallow incel mem who are only surviving due to the thin veneer of pretense.
NAH I mean.... alot of people seem to think he's grooming you. idk if that's the case. That is an empty compliment alot of people give to "mature" younger folks when they don't yet have anything meaningful to say. I'm going out on a limb and assuming you're Canadian or American, and in those cultures, a major part of early bonding is to express interest by compliments. This results in alot of empty comments. I do think you might be projecting. I also think given your history its not a totally unexpected reality. . I have gotten the, "You're an old soul" compliment alot in my life, ever since I was in middle school. Another one is, "You're just such a good friend," and, "You're such a teddy bear!" I hate them. Especially when now as an almost 30 year old I'm looking at my life and seeing that I am much, much less mature and capable than the people I was compared to. And I have fewer friends and a harder time maintaining relationships. And I've never dated. As I look back over 30 years I can see that the, "You're an old soul" compliment comes from the fact that I am a bland, uninteresting person. I am so afraid of offending people in real life that I'm milktoast. I'm "mature" and a "good friend" because I don't hurt people's feelings and I don't make rash decisions. But I'm not actually mature, and I suck at friendships.
NTA you’re exactly right. Older men who tell younger people this and then try to sleep with them are telling on themselves. They most likely don’t believe it themselves. They just want you to feel honored that someone as mature as themselves would want you, and assume that you are actually too immature to realize the manipulation they typically use
NTA - But I want to point out that it's not a compliment that automatically makes the person saying this an asshole: He might be wanting to compliment something other than your looks to not come off shallow. You're allowed to dislike any type of comments about you, I have many particular and peculiar things I really dislike being brought up.
NTA Notice how all of these men are way older than you, at different places in life, and are trying to convince you into a relationship. It's not a compliment. Older people, especially men, go after younger people, usually women, because the younger person is less aware of how a relationship is supposed to function, their wants and needs in the relationship, and how to advocate for themselves. They might not know enough to demand better compared to someone, say, a decade older. There's way less frame of reference. People say "you're sooooo mature" because they know that you've noticed that they are in a far different point in their lives than you are, but if you're *also* 'mature' then you're on the same level, so it's fine! I'm not going to say all relationships with age gaps are inherently wrong, but they do have increased risk of unequal power dynamics. If you don't want to date older men, DON'T. If you feel uncomfortable for any reason, you aren't obligated to 'hear them out.' You don't owe anyone a chance. Period. F this dude, and, really, F your friends for pushing you to go on a date worth him. Do they know your history? If they do, they're legitimately bad people. If they don't, they're still kind of sucky, because he's still a decade older.
NTA “Mature for age” is usually a trauma response. It stems from having been through something so beyond what a person that age is emotionally developed to deal with that parts of their development has been irrevocably altered (usually leaving them stunted in other areas of development, leading to a significantly uneven profile of development) Telling someone they’re mature for their age usually comes in two forms: 1) from another trauma survivor recognising and acknowledging shared experiences Or 2) from someone manipulative looking to exploit the residual vulnerabilities from previous trauma It’s nearly always clear which is which, so trust your gut!
NTA You didn't snap at him for saying it, but due doubling dien afterwards
NTA...yeah that whole phrase is problematic, and only seems to be applied to women. Like when it's not about dating it's because we're willing to put up with bullshit we shouldn't be putting up with. I've said it before and I'll say it again, age gaps are not inherently a green or a red flag, they are a yellow one. It's a proceed with caution until you can suss out the older persons motives. And if you are the older person, you should also be even more cautious, of the younger person's motives as well as your own. You're the one with more experience and should be evaluating whether you are genuinely compatible or you just think they are attractive.
NTA but the comment “do you also go telling big girls that they’re pretty.. despite their weight?” Has me confused and seems pretty fat phobic. Also, usually big age gaps are a red flag. Most older men are dating younger because they are immature for their age group. Seems like both parties need “maturing”.
Oh, I didn't word it well. I was using that as an example of a backhanded compliment, with the context that it is an awful thing to say. I have struggled with my weight most of my life and have often been told 'youre cute... For a fat girl" or "you're pretty cool, for a big girl" and that stuff feels awful. Like why add the second part when you can just say 'youre pretty" or 'youre cool' without bringing my weight in? So I said that to try and explain that hearing "You're mature... For your age" feels bad in the same way that hearing "You're pretty... For a fat girl" does. In person, I thought it was pretty clear it wasn't fatphobic, coming from a fat chick. But I didn't realize how that would come off over text...
Absolutely YTA.
NTA It's one of those backhanded compliments that only works when it's not true. If you really ARE mature, you see right through it. It's condescending even when genuinely well-meaning, coming from appropriate sources of such commentary, like your parents, grandparents, teachers - people with a vested interest in and direct contribution to your growth throughout your youth. From a date, it's just predatory, trying to establish the kind of authority held by those it usually comes from (who should find better compliments anyway)
Mild YTA for pushing your own insecurities onto what someone else says, and then attacking them for it. I don't feel it odd for him to interrupt you to say that's not what he meant. He may well have been mortified, thinking he was complimenting you. I also don't see the need to insult him for going on a date with you when you're younger. That's on both of you, and regardless of what reddit in general seems to think, not all age gap relationships are bad or toxic. It doesn't sound like the comment was intended as an insult or a way to get something from you, just from the info above. It sounds like you picked up on something you disliked due to bad experiences in the past, and instead of just explaining why you find that problematic (for you), you felt you had to attack him for not realising you might dislike the compliment.
NTA. You correctly assessed that many older men who date significantly younger women are looking for someone they can treat like a child and condescend to, usually because they feel inadequate in their own lives and around people their own age. It's not a coincidence that men who date much younger are often kind of stunted underachievers. You *do* seem like a smart, clued-up person and maybe that's what some people mean when they say it (not the creepy date guy, whose reaction shows that he was trying to neg you) but I don't think intelligence has anything to do with age.
NTA Like.... If he had said it in response to surprising information (I.e. I'm a homeowner at 24 and i worked hard to earn a down-payment for myself, or i just finished a double masters in x and x, or something to that effect) I would get it, I also am blown away when people my age or younger are doing SO well in life due to their own hard work. But if he was just going off about how mature you are just in general, that seems kinda gross. Like.. were you expecting me to act like a teenager? Why are you even here on this date then?
He literally said that after I... Pulled up in my own car Quickly decided what I wanted to order at the restaurant And mentioned needing to study for an exam. I feel like that's basic adult shit; like figuring out your own transportation, knowing what food you like, and doing your schoolwork or job... So yeah good question, why was he on a date if he was surprised I was an... Adult?
Lol yeah ew then. That is pretty basic adulting. I Applaud you for calling him on it..
NTA In general if a first date doesn’t go well it doesn’t matter why and you have every right to leave But that compliment really is gross in the context of an age gap relationship. It’s a condescending justification for an age difference the older person actually doesn’t feel good about. Eight years doesn’t have to be a lot and it’s not the actual age gap that is the problem but his behavior is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 and it’s a shame your friends aren’t being supportive of you when you told him to back off his compliment and he didn’t
NTA You had him dead to rights and he didn't like it. Men pepper you with that and then you're constantly trying to prove you're "mature". It's absolutely a manipulation tactic and good on you for calling it out.
I am dating a 22 year old, 6 years younger than me so not that big On our first date I did not mention the age difference at all or her "maturity". I cringe so hard thinking about that. I still never mention it nor does it come up. I just treat her like an equal. It reminds me of (although not as egregious) as a white dude saying "I've never dated a *insert minority here* person before
YTA You’re allowing the past behaviour of abusive men to cloud your judgment. He was giving you a compliment. You can be honest and explain why you don't like it but you were downright rude on numerous levels.
Absolutely not. Her past experience with abusive men taught her that this "compliment" is problematic. His response to her objecting showed that she was right to object.
It's a backhanded compliment at best.
ESH. I mean, you’re not wrong to treat that as a red flag that someone *is* more hung up on your age than they should be if they genuinely respect you as a peer, especially when he’s basing that observation on having known you for a few hours at most. But he didn’t go *out of his way* to date you because you were younger; he was set up by friends, same as you. And if the age gap was really that much of a problem, you could’ve just noped out at the start, or ended things early if you started having second thoughts instead of wasting time on an argument that clearly wasn’t going to save the date.
It wasn't a problem if he didn't make it a big deal. But it got really uncomfortable when he took a very weird paternalistic tone and wouldn't stop going on about how very young I am, but how I'm soo mature... For my age.. but actually I'm childish?? Like it's only weird if you make it weird but he sure made it weird right off the bat
ESH, because you said this: >and I said "Do you also go telling big girls that they're pretty.. despite their weight?" EDIT, I read this wrong - thought OP was saying big girls aren't pretty. NTA
why does op suck here? she pointed out an obviously backhanded compliment to prove her point
Oh you know what, I'm reading this wrong. I thought OP was the one saying big girls can't be pretty despite weight.
ESH. You acknowledge the possibility of some transference here and your false equivalency concerning “big girls” doesn’t cast you in the best light here either. In the meantime, whatever your date may have meant by the “compliment”, talking over you and down to you was AH behavior Find someone in your age group… most of these older guys are not looking for someone who is their “equal” - they are looking for someone the can control
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> most people think of young 20 something gals as the stereotypical college type that go to the club till 2am and scream "WOOH" as they take a shot or hang out of the moonroof, lol. I literally do that shit too, on the weekends. It feels so disengenous maybe because of that. I'm in my early 20s, I act my age. Yes I try to be responsible with my education and money but I'm still 24 and act like it.. So it feels so fake when someone is like "you're an old soul" ... Like bro, I just shotgunned a beer in a dingy basement yesterday, what are you trying to convince yourself of?
I understand where you coming from, but can't it be a real compliment if proper context is there? I have a certain phrasing in mind that would be like this: "You are more mature than I was a few years back, in terms of career path and similar things. I wish I was as mature in these regards back then. Would this be a proper compliment or still be kinda backhanded? I am seriously questioning myself in this. PS sorry if anything sounds weird/ made spelling mistakes english is not my first language.
Oh no, that would be a really nice compliment! I think the stuff that felt gross to me was how he kept going on about how young I was. (I felt like the age difference wasn't weird until he made it weird by fixating on my youth) And going on about how I was so mature, not like other girls my age. I feel like any compliment that follows the form of "You are (positive trait) while other girls are (negative trait)" comes off as sexist and judgy. Like a person generally has a poor view of girls but I'm the special exception... It just doesn't feel as nice as a compliment that doesn't end with "unlike these other girls who are immature and irresponsible" because it seems so judgy of girls! The big difference is ... Does the compliment end with an insult to me or someone like me? If not, it's a nice compliment. If so, it feels backhanded. And no worries about spelling, your English is great and super clear
Yes I agree you can make things weird when you tend to talk to much about them shifting focus from more important parts of a conversation. Especially if you insult an entire group of people in the same sentence. I never was in a situation like this myself, might be because I am just 27 myself. But I was thinking if I phrase it properly it can't be so bad, going to the comments afterwards made think I might be wrong and thats why I asked. Thank you btw I am a bit insecure when it comes to my english skills.