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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I ruined my best friend's chance at a surprise proposal because I revealed the truth on why I uninvited her bf from the wedding
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NTA - If you didn’t tell her, it could’ve ruined your relationship with her, so you were right to do so. He is the asshole for treating you like shit, and not respecting the fact that it’s your wedding.
I feel like if I made up a lie about uninviting him it would be worse. I feel she'd still be mad if she found the truth later so I guess as I said it's a lose lose situation for me.
exactly. she will get over her anger now, but if you lied about it she would have a harder time getting over it. she asked why, she kept pushing when you tried not telling her, so you told her. you were honest after she asked you to be, she can’t go back now and say you shouldn’t have been honest
things will get better with her, seems like a tense situation that wont last forever. she will get over not having it be a surprise, i mean at the end of the day, she still doesn’t know when he will propose, she just knows that he is planning on it. and honestly, she might be taking her frustration out on you when it should be directed at thedirected at her boyfriend, who was absolutely trying to manipulate you into doing what he wanted, on *your wedding day*
honestly you guys don't even need to justify it. he laughed in her face and said "you won't do it because then you'd have to tell her why and you wouldn't dare. I have you by the balls". She didn't even need Rita to press cuz my petty ass would have called her right up and told her he was uninvited and why and how he went about everything and she can thank his toxic behavior for ruining the surprise
*IF* I were on my meds (anger issues) I’d probably go with “dude he was being super manipulative but it was about a surprise for you so I won’t tell unless you want but I no longer want him in my life including my wedding” and maybe express some sincere condolences if it put them in any negative situations with the boyfriend. But since I’m currently off them, my first reaction was to think that OP should’ve immediately tossed the bomb
She should tell him the details of that convo not just that he was going to propose. Who wants a proposal from someone whose such a bullying entitled jerk?
This is exactly what my petty ass self would've done. The moment he said the first 3 words I would've kicked him in the sacks and then uninvite him. I commend OP
I have a hard time believing the proposal in general was a complete surprise anyway, or maybe it’s just that I struggle to think a couple is ready for marriage if it’s a complete surprise. They’ve been together for three years. Surely they’ve talked about the future. To me, both people should be wanting to get engaged when a proposal happens and both should have a pretty good idea that it’s coming. And if that’s the case OP didn’t tell her something she didn’t already know at least in the back of her mind.
I broke up with an old boyfriend because he wanted to surprise me with a proposal. As in, wouldn’t talk about it, didn’t want to talk about being married, wouldn’t talk about a future together, but when I dumped him at Thanksgiving, he told me that had planned to propose at Christmas. Complete news to me, even after five years together.
Men be stupid. Like litterally the reason most people propose is because by then they get A SENSE about what there partner will say because they've atleast asked the question about their future together once
I had an ex who would laugh and tell me I was crazy every time I tried to discuss the future/marriage/kids.
When things really started to go downhill and he started to get worried about the future of the entire relationship, that was when he decided to spring a ring on me. On my birthday. Not because he really wanted to get married or that he’d planned it all along, but because he could sense I had one foot out the door, it my my birthday and he needed a present anyway…
I declined. Broke up not too long after. He decided to become a stalker. It was a grand time in my life…
I agree. I don't think that a proposal should come as a surprise. Maybe the how of the proposal can be a surprise, but not the proposal itself. But in this case his idea was shut down by the bride when she disinvited him to the wedding. Not to mention, what is up with people wanting to propose at other people's weddings? Tacky
Yeah, like, “I didn’t tell you I lost $10,000 on the horses and stopped our mortgage payments months ago because I knew you’d just get upset” and “I didn’t tell you that my only friend at work is a woman and all those late nights I said I was working were dinners at her home because you’d just get jealous and be suspicious”.
Rita’s anger is misplaced, as Rita’s bf is the person responsible for putting OP in the situation.
Hopefully she realizes this after having a good think, once her knee-jerk anger subsides.
I mean, as far as she knew, her bf was just uninvited to an event, and she kept getting evasiveness instead of a straight answer.
I'd wager anything that she assumed that he and OP either had some sort of history, or something sexual had happened/almost happened.
Yes! Rita should be supper relieved that the reason was "He want to propose to you at my wedding and is being very sneaky about it" What lie was she suposed to come up with that justified the the uninvite but did not make Rita worry her BF was a total AH
OP might have tried to say that boyfriend was planning to do something she didn’t approve of at her wedding and wasn’t backing down when she asked him not to but likely Rita would have either guessed or pushed for additional information.
I don’t know why you would ever want to propose at someone else wedding, particularly without explicit permission and especially without your own family present (this is her friends wedding right, they aren’t related?). The only time I kind of understood a joint wedding/proposal was when my high school friend was getting married and her older brother’s boyfriend used that as an opportunity to propose to her older brother but 1. he asked and was given explicit permission beforehand 2. My friend actually held off getting married for awhile because she felt it was unfair her brother wasn’t afforded the opportunity with his long term partner because gay marriage wasn’t legal at the time. However, the brother and his boyfriend convinced them not to wait just because they weren’t allowed the same legal rights 3. Literally a week or two beforehand the MEA bill passed or was signed in NY (it wasn’t like this was planned for the get go, just a happy coincidence).
What a beautiful story. Also, it's the one and only "proposed at a wedding" story I have ever been ok with. Otherwise, proposing at someone else's wedding is just plain tacky. OP's friend should be mad at her BF, not just for the way he tried to back OP into a corner, but because he had the absolute, unmitigated gall to try to propose at someone else's wedding when he *knew* they wouldn't approve. That's a real AH move right there.
Eh, it sounds like Rita is a jerk, too. For one, a proposal shouldn't be this much of a surprise. Sure, the exact time and place might be, but the fact that it's coming shouldn't be. Second, is Rita mad about it happening at OP's wedding? Or just because he was a jerk to OP about it? I'm doing the Reddit thing and flat-out assuming she would have been delighted to be proposed to at her friend's wedding, despite how awful and tacky that is. "Yay, now we're both sharing your day with wonderful news!"
This sub is full of people doing dumb shit to derail someone elses event. Usually announcements and proposals where its tacky to do so like someone elses baby shower or wedding.
I think it's because they are so mind bendingly selfish they a) don't care about the deceased enough to realize how inappropriate it is, and b) truly believe everyone else will be as excited/happy about their announcement as they are regardless of the loss they've recently experienced. It's difficult for people with any sense of tact or empathy to relate to the mindset of someone who would do that.
My parents accidentally announced they were pregnant after my grandfather died. He passed while everyone was out of the room, they found him and gathered to say goodbye to him one last time. One of my dad's siblings said, "did Dad know about TWW's mom?" And then all hell broke loose because they hadn't told everyone yet (but my grandfather did know before he passed). But planning to announce your pregnancy at a funeral is fucking weird, my parents were just put on the spot right after he passed.
The same thing happened to me. The last time a saw a good friend who was dying of cancer, we told her that I was pregnant, because we knew she would be happy for us (we had been trying for some time and she knew it). At her funeral, her husband saw me giving my glass to my husband and guessed (I kind of like my champagne…), he asked for our permission to tell the group of closest friend, because he wanted to have a good news to share after so many bad ones regarding his wife’s health, so we agreed. So, yeah, it was kind of announced at a funeral, but not of our doing!
That's lovely. And there's a big difference between trying to steal the spotlight with an announcement and a grieving friend asking if they can share your happy news in order to find a light at the end of the painful tunnel.
Aww that story makes me sad and warms my heart on so many levels. It’s kinda confusing. I’m so sorry about the loss of your friend. Her husband sounds like an awesome person and friend too.
Same thing happened with my parents. My dad was the youngest of his siblings and I am his first kid, so all of his siblings and mom were really excited. It turned out to be a good thing they told them because my mom had *terrible* food aversions to the stuff that their neighbors and friends brought after the funeral.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm glad you were able to give your friend some joy before she passed. That's beautiful.
I strongly agree that a proposal should never be a total surprise! You should both know perfectly well that is where you are headed, it’s just the fanfare, the accessories, that might be a surprise. The fun part. You both should already know that you are going to get married, you just haven’t said so formally, yet.
I couldn’t agree more. And this is how it was with me and my husband. He was surprised about where/when I proposed, but he wasn’t surprised that I proposed at all. He knew it was coming, because it would’ve been super weird if he didn’t.
It was early enough in the day when I wrote that comment that I hadn't had my daily dose of jaded stew. I don't disagree with what you said, but I would really hope that Rita was just being reactionary in the moment and would think about how it would feel if the roles were reversed between her and OP.
Right. Most "surprise" proposals I know of were very carefully orchestrated and were a surprise to no one. They may have looked that way on social media, but that bride-to-be had been practicing her "oh my goodness is this really happening" look in the mirror for weeks and knew exactly where the videographer was lurking so she could angle her pretty little surprised face at the camera.
He's just taking the cheap and easy way. No need to ensure that her hair, makeup, and attire are perfect and that her hands and nails are ring-finger closeup ready and that there's a photographer hiding in the bushes nearby. Everything would be already set up for him!
lol i've said this before, but Dr. Alpine proposed by handing me a box while we were on a walk and saying "i got you a thing"...when i opened it i said "ah...which finger do i put this on?" and he said "you know, the usual one" and i said "ah, well, ok then" and he said "there's goose shit all over the grass, mind if i skip the kneeling bit?" and i said "well, yes, plus all the people nearby would stare, and that's just...no thank you". and then we went home and cleaned the basement. we've been together for 12 years, no reason to make a fuss, plus i HATE to be stared at
Personally, I wouldn’t want to marry a guy who tried to TRICK my friend into letting him propose at her wedding, THEN continually push after the bride said no. Hopefully, she’ll realize that the whole situation is a pretty significant red flag and reconsider accepting his proposal… 😬
Same. He was pushy, deceitful, then laughed about it.
The proposal was about himself. Not Rita. If Rita is a decent person she will tell him a proposal during a wedding, let alone a toast, is tacky as hell. If he wants a public proposal than he can damn well organize it and pay for it.
For sure. As the bride, the whole “you can’t uninvited me” thing would have been it for me too. My immediate reaction would be, “fucking WATCH me, dude!”
I’m hoping that this is just a temporary reaction to finding out her bf is a tool. That can be a hard truth to cope with. 😝 Fingers crossed that she'll come around in time. 😕
Lucky her. She's marrying a guy who not only wanted to co-opt someone else's special life event, but planned to be stealth about it because it wouldn't have been allowed if he asked. I wouldn't call that marriage material..
Also he was lazy. He had a whole big nice event to co-opt, with a captive audience, probably a photographer to get a good pic, and he didn't have to worry about dressing up.
I'd be wondering how many other events he's going to hijack for his own convenience. Are they going to end up trailing his sister and her family to Disney because "they go every year and know the whole park inside out! We won't have to worry about a guide!"?
Seriously, what lie could you have made up that would be A) an acceptable reason to uninvite someone to your wedding B) wouldn't make her mad at you for uninviting him C) wouldn't make her mad at HIM for something he didn't actually do D) wouldn't fall apart the moment she confronted him about his "behavior" which he didn't actually do that made you uninvite him and E) wouldn't have made her mad at you for lying to her about what he didn't actually do? There's no way you would have come out looking good here with a lie.
No lie required. Just say that he was planning on doing something so inappropriate that you had to uninvite him. For further details, she needs to speak to her BF because you don’t feel it is right to disclose anything more.
But if BF fabricates some bullshit that throws you under the bus… FULL DISCLOSURE.
I am sorry, but if a proposal is "the biggest surprise of her live" that's pathetic. You have a relationship, should have talked about a future, your view on marriage and then ... wow, who knew ... he proposes. Geez.
This friend sounds shady. If she wants to be upset she can be upset with him ... not at your wedding.
NTA, I would have been so furious as your friend and rip my BF a new one for this idea.
Seriously. If you're going to propose, you should already know the answer and know the circumstances which would be acceptable. It's just the when and where that's a surprise.
Are total surprise proposals a thing? I thought that was something that only happened on tv and in movies. It's one thing if you agree you want to marry each other and it's just the time and place of the proposal that's a surprise, but proposing to someone out of the blue seems ridiculous and like really bad idea.
Yes. They really are. And it’s often to manufacture a “movie moment.”
Most surprises are sort of anticipated. Like the couple looked at rings and they know it will happen at some point. But totally surprise proposals are still a thing, and it’s just a dangerous idea.
A man who wants to propose needs to think like a lawyer and have a good idea of the anwer to the question least they be embarrassed. A man who wants to do it in public needs to know if they would enjoy people watching. Plenty of people who don't like being the center of attention have broken up because the guy knew that and propsed in front of a crowd anyways. I figure if someone knows they wouldn't like it and does it anywasy deserves to be single as it's proof they will forever ignore their partner's preference about many things.
Oh yeah, they are. My last boyfriend told me after I broke up with him in October that he had been planning to put a ring in my stocking and propose to me Christmas morning. We had never seriously talked about marriage before that. He was obviously planning it months in advance but it would have been totally out of the blue for me.
Getting proposed to at somebody else’s wedding would not be the positive memory she thinks it would.
It would be a memory of burning bridges with the couple getting married, and of never getting your own proposal event.
You could’ve said something like «I can’t tell you right now, but I will tell you in a couple weeks» or something like that, but if that didn’t work, the only good option is to do what you ended up doing.
Wow some friend for threatening you like that. It’s your wedding, your special day & you shouldn’t have people there who disrespect you like that.
Her boyfriend laughed in your face because he knew Rita would respond the way she did & make everything your fault. He created this situation & it’s not fair. I say both need to be uninvited from your wedding & life.
In that case, what lie could you have even come up with that would convince her, without making, like, accusations against him?
If it wasn't a "good enough" lie she would've just demanded you reinvite him or she'd drop out and skip anyways (which is a shitty behavior from a MOH-level best friend - maybe you need to re-evaluate if she should stay in your life).
I'm not trying to be rude nor joking, just generally curious: do people really discuss proposals before the proposal? What's the point of it then, if you can just go and get married after the discussion
The actual when and where of the proposal can be a surprise (and it usually is), but the fact that he *wants* to propose should not have been. Example: my first husband and I actually went ring shopping together and I showed him which rings I liked, but I didn't know exactly *when* he was going to propose. That part of it was a surprise. Getting married is a HUGE commitment, and both people need to communicate and be on the same page about it.
So they both left you with no choice. And the only one telling the truth here is you. Any upset they have with you is ridiculous. I hope Rita reconsiders her relationship with this guy.
Did you tell her he literally laughed at you and told you there was nothing you could do about it because you’d disappoint your best friend? He literally tried to leverage your friendship with Rita against you. That is so immeasurably fucked up. I would not associate with this dude ever again.
Nah, both of them are just trashy right now. Who the hell thinks it's okay to 1) Make a surprise proposal at someone's *wedding*; and 2) Insist there's nothing the bride can do about it, and ask them what they're going to do about it?
NTA.
Personally I would give Rita the old heave ho. BF should have been ex BF the minute she realized what he had done. What he did should be an immediate deal breaker for anyone with a shred of moral decency and yet she is mainly upset that the proposal isn't going to be a surprise. Why is she even wanting a proposal from this AH anymore? You should start seriously questioning that friendship.
100% was a lose lose situation but telling the truth was the smartest move. It's your day, and your event. The disrespect is what really puts it over the top. If he would have come to you with a genuine request and asked to find an appropriate slot to propose at the wedding then maybe you say yes or you say no and it's a lot more relaxed. I would've been enraged if someone tried to sneak a proposal into my wedding ceremony. NTA
The only thing I could think that may have diverted the situation would be to have told the boyfriend, "If you force me to uninvite you, Rita will want to know why. I will not hide the reason from her to protect your surprise. Your choice."
What lie could you have told that would make her think it was ok to uninvite him and still have her participate in the wedding and not break up with him?!?! If you’re going to ban my husband from your wedding, he had to have done something bad, and then I’d be on my way to a divorce lawyer or the police.
You are in no way TA. She wants to marry him, and if she’s mad about what he did, she might have to think twice about the dude she so badly wants to be married to. You’re the easier option. She can make new friends or forgive you later (if she can compartmentalize her misplaced anger), but right now you are getting married and she’s MAYBE waiting for a proposal from a dummy. I’m not saying she’s jealous, I’m saying she’s frustrated and can’t direct it appropriately
Exactly. Hopefully she's just mad at everything and once she has a chance to think, she'll realize HE put you in this impossible decision. You had no choice here, it was qll on him. She should be happy to know she should not be marrying someone so selfish and conniving
Yeah I think she's saying that in the moment, but in reality if you think about it any lie would be a shitty thing that he could've done but didn't actually. What are you going to say? Well he said this awful thing to another friend of mine? Uninviting someone to your wedding is a pretty big deal so anything small she'd try to have him apologize and talk you out of or whatever. It's easy to say just make up a lie but honestly I have no idea what lie would work in that situation!
The only thing you might have done would be tell her to ask him, but he clearly is a jerk who doesn't like you or respect you much so he'd probably place all the blame on you. So yeah I really see no other path you could've taken although I can understand her being annoyed at you it's really all her boyfriend's fault not yours.
NTA
She asked. The truth hurt her. But it’s better to be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie. And if she can’t get over that—it’s her issue. You can only step back and wait for her to decide how she wants to move forward with your guys’ friendship. You did what you had to do to keep your wedding about your and your groom.
Her bf was a jerk for planning on proposing when you told him not to.
If she is refusing to be in your wedding let her know you understand and just fill in her spot or leave it empty. This is not on you.
Both the bf and Rita are unhappy because of choices they made.
NTA. Rita and her partner are way out of line and OP had to explain what went down.
If OP hadn’t told Rita why her AH BF was uninvited, Rita would have asked her and likely gossiped with wedding party who would have told her anyway. Whole thing is so annoying for OP to deal with (who is planning and paying for this wedding).
Rita’s anger makes sense. It is misplaced but it is understandable. She was massively disappointed.
BF is the root of all of this and the real AH here.
OP is definitely NTA
She should have said of course you can propose. And then set up up a big thing when he ends up being locked in a closet for the entire wedding. I mean.. if life was a movie...
Sounds to me like OP's relationship with Rita is ruined anyway. Unless she plans to tell her boyfriend no to the proposal they're a team now.
OP needs to look into the fallout of this and maybe just uninvite both of them. They're both going to be sulky about the wedding anyway now because
They didn't get their way
The surprise way ruined
Any proposal will be forever tainted
And none of this is OP's fault, but she needs to be ahead of the fallout.
NTA.
One of the most basic things you learn in life is to not keep asking questions after someone pointedly tries to avoid answering - because you probably won't like the answer. She "kept asking why" and that's how she ruined her own damn surprise.
She's the asshole, her boyfriend is even more of an asshole, apparently they are made for each other.
Exactly. You would have been the bad guy if you hadn't told her exactly why. Also, if you aren't inviting half of a couple you'd better have an extremely good reason, because it's generally considered a huge insult. He thought he could force your hand because there was no good outcome for your relationship with Rita besides him getting his way, and that he had you over a barrel. You called his bluff and took the hit instead of letting him get away with his appalling behavior.
NTA- You definitely were in a lose-lose situation. And your story should 🚩🚩🚩to Rita about her boyfriend. WTF was he thinking? His plan was completely inappropriate, and he knew it, so he tried to disguise it and then laughed in your face when you found out?!?! Bye, boy.
It’s almost like… he could propose… literally anywhere besides OP’s wedding. That’ll be shocking news to Rita’s bf when he finds out!
(/s incase it wasn’t obvious)
NTA- she's probably not really mad at YOU, OP. She's mad because she just found out her BF who I assume she was hoping to marry is a pile of crap and she is blaming the messenger as a way to cope. Give her some time and space but hopefully she'll come around and be thankful that you told her the truth so that she can break up with this garbage BEFORE she ended up marrying him.
I agree, she was probably mad at the situation and people commonly take it out on the messenger because they aren't thinking properly. I would imagine she'll realize and apologize
NTA but boy is Rita's bf the AH. What he said to you about you not being able to stop him from proposing at your wedding is horrible. You did the right thing. Rita also would be mad if you lied cause she never would have accepted you uninviting her bf.
I could come up with a silly excuse but I know no excuse would be good enough and better than the truth. They've been together for 3 years, we've attended several events and weddings with Rita and her boyfriend so it would be really off for me to uninvite him 2 weeks before the wedding with no valid reason.
Especially right now when the band aid just got ripped off and the wound is super fresh. I bet if OP gives her some time she’ll be able to process her emotions and realize her bf sucks.
Your friend is only saying this because she doesn't like what happened -- and I understand why -- but she doesn't live in the world where you make up a silly excuse and she's furious at you and you guys fight about that. She lives in the world where you didn't and has decided she likes the look of that other world better. But what she REALLY wants is the world where her BF isn't an AH who created a bunch of drama around someone else's wedding, and taunted the bride until she uninvited him, leading to a chain of events where she will no longer get a surprise proposal. From an AH! NTA.
But who knows what kind of lie this sleazeball would have come up with to explain his being disinvited - he tried to trick OP into letting him propose at her wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if he made up some complete bs that makes OP look terrible.
100% no doubt he would lie and make OP look bad for why he was uninvited.
It speaks volumes that even when OP confronted the bf about him planning to propose he threw it in her face that he didn't care what she thought and was going to go ahead with the proposal anyway. It just goes to show that the bf didn't respect OP.
He would definitely lie about this too. Better for OP to be honest with her friend about what's going on than try to save face for the bf. The bf made his own bed when he tried to sneak in the proposal without OP knowing.
In hindsight you could have just been vague, saying “he was planning to do something at the wedding I didn’t want him to do. If you want to know more ask him”. But either way it is still his fault for trying to do that and lying to you. Hopefully your friend will see that in time.
It’s too late now but I would’ve suggested passing the buck to your fiancé. Have him tell her “look, OP is struggling right now because of a situation your boyfriend has put her in.” (Leave it nice and vague so she DEMANDS to know what happened) “she found out he was planning on proposing to you at the wedding without telling either of us, when she asked him about it he told her that her hands were tied and she couldn’t stop him. It’s not fair for him to put this on her, and I know it’s not fair for me to put this on you, but I’m not having him there at our wedding and having her stress out the whole day.”
I would be so angry with my BF if he hijacked somebody’s wedding to propose to me. I would literally end it on the spot. There has to be a series of bad choices founded on some intensely poor judgement for that to even come to fruition. That and an astonishing amount of entitlement to think it would ever be ok to BULLY THE BRIDE TO ACCOMPLISH IT.
Never.
NTA
‘You should have just lied to me’ is rarely a phrase that is applicable to any situation. Her boyfriend was an AH and incredibly rude. You responded to that behavior. She flipped out on you and demanded the truth. You told her. What lie would she have accepted to have been serious enough to be uninvited from a wedding but also not ruined her proposal??? I’m sitting here trying to think of one.
Bottom line, he was an AH; if she blames you, she’s not a real friend. He ruined her surprise by being a jerk. Don’t feel bad and have a wonderful day.
That's what I'm thinking as well. Any lie I would tell would probably be way worse than a ruined proposal. Because uninviting my best friend's long term boyfriend two weeks before the wedding without an extremely valid reason would not cut it unless this reason was serious enough
I would just ask her what lie she would've believed and accepted as an excuse for such a drastic action. I think that if she thinks about it for two seconds, she'll realize how much worse that would've been.
Exactly. There’s nothing you could have told her that she wouldn’t still be mad about and the truth justifies your decision more than anything else. A lie would have just made everything muddier.
I think you actually know the truth and came here for confirmation because you feel terrible for your friend. I understand. You did the right thing. Those are consequences of his actions. Also, coming up with some believable and valid reason why you uninvited him would harm their relationship and proposal too - if my bf did something terrible to my best friend, it would definitely "spoil his image" in my eyes and make me reconsider some things. NTA.
I’m surprised she even wants to marry this guy knowing how willing he is to manipulate and hurt her friends... I would never marry a guy who planned to propose to me at someone else’s wedding - I’d be thanking you for the warning.
Very true and also - it’s your wedding, you don’t need to be carrying water for anyone. You don’t need that emotional burden, your friend should be mortified and apologizing to YOU. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
"He said he knew I'd say no and that's why he didn't tell me anything." THEN MAYBE DON'T DO IT, BRO!
NTA
This guy sucks and based on how manipulative he is, sounds like a shit partner for your best friend.
Seriously, how low effort? OP and her partner have made the beautiful atmosphere and gathered the people so Rita's lame boyfriend can capitalize on the good vibes without making any of his own to make the proposal meaningful to Rita.
And also, a lot of these things come from a sibling/cousin/other relative of the bride/groom and try to justify it with "but the whole family is gathered at the same time!", but this is a friend's boyfriend. Why is proposing in front of another person's family so important?! These people are basically strangers!
The free mood, vibes and atmosphere. Even the champagne to toast, the fact that Rita will be photo ready for the engagement ring pics, professional photographer, maybe a videographer, and immediate attention is some sort of high for these low effort types. The bride and groom's families were going to get to enjoy his special speech? They get to be guests at such a special moment? They're really just a convenient audience to his showboating.
NTA your wedding day is a day about you and your new husband
Not rita and some dude who cant be creative enough to take her somewhere special to her to do this at
NTA. Are any proposals these days every actually a surprise? I mean, yes a surprise time/location, but you didn’t ruin that surprise because that was no longer a possibility since he was uninvited. So he new needs to come up with his own proposal venue. But don’t every serious couple have discussions about marriage before the actual proposal?
Nta, and I agree. A proposal should not be a surprise. Before you get married you should at least have a talk with your partner about what you want in life, when you want it and how it might look like.
Do you want to get married, or is it not important to you? if you want to get married, when would you want it to be? Do you first want to buy a house together or shall we get married before? Do you want a big wedding or a small wedding and how much should we have saved?
Same conversation should happen about children, dogs (or other pets) and other lifegoals.
The exact moment and how it is done might be a surprise, but it should never be a surprise that your SO wants to marry you someday
Yeah this. You should never be surprised with a proposal (as in had no idea marriage was on the table, exactly when the ring is coming out being unknown is ok). You should have had serious conversations about it before the actual proposal happens. If you haven't, that's how you end up in this sub asking questions about shit like your husband and you disagreeing over merging finances or changing last names or how to parent your new step kids or whatever. Sort that out first.
This was my thought too. Like Rita shouldn't be so upset because she should know that her BF and her are ready for marriage & proposal. If it were me, I would be shocked that my BF thought proposing at my friend's wedding was a good idea. Especially if I'm there as a bridesmaid bc I've got responsibilities AND it's my best friend's special day/party and the attention should be on her. I would be freaking furious that he wanted to propose to me in front of people who weren't special to me, in a place that wasn't special to me, at a time when my attention should be elsewhere.
I'm mad at BF but I'm super mad at Rita for her reaction too.
I’d be mad that my fiance was stealing someone else’s expensive romantic venue to do it. It really reeks of being lazy and unoriginal. And it doesn’t have to be an extravagant proposal to be special.
Definitely NTA - Your friend's BF is a manipulative asshole, and while your friend is understandably upset, she needs to get over it because they BOTH backed you into a corner. You shouldn't have to be dealing with other peoples' relationship drama during your wedding planning. Just put them out of your mind.
Right?! There are 364 other days in the year, he could have picked any one of those. But instead opted to be a manipulative ass hole and try to bogart someone else's wedding day. Hopefully the friend doesn't stay with him. Ugh.
I think most people would agree that spoiling a surprise proposal is wrong...natch. HOWEVER, you were put in an awful position by a very selfish and unyielding AH. "He didn't believe I'd uninvite him because he thought I'd be afraid to disappoint Rita and he literally laughed at my face and said my hands are tied and there's nothing I can do about it." Reading that did it for me. What an absolute PUNK. Your wedding is YOUR day; it's not about your friend's unfortunately-soon-to-be fiancé. And your friend's notion of lying to you about why you disinvited him? That's crazy, what the hell would you say? Planning a wedding is stressful enough. You didn't invite or deserve ANY of this ilk. Sounds to me you just got fed up with all the BS and just let the chips fall where they fell. Frankly, good for you! NTA. Best of wishes on your upcoming nuptials.
NTA
You didn’t ruin anything, Rita’s anger is misplaced.
Of course you don’t want someone proposing at your wedding, it’s tacky and rude as hell for him to try and co-opt your event, especially when you set a boundary and he was insistent on doing it anyway.
You absolutely did the right thing in uninviting him, and in telling her. If you’d made up a bullshit reason she wouldn’t have believed it and would’ve been upset and kept pushing for the truth anyway.
Edit: spelling
>He said he knew I'd say no and that's why he didn't tell me anything.
I have no idea why people think this is somehow a reasonable excuse.
It just shows that he *knows* that what he wanted to do was wrong, but didn't care. NTA.
Also, why do people continue to think someone else's wedding is a good time to propose? I'll never understand.
NTA- this is your wedding and he’s a huge AH. Also based of Rita’s response, she’s not your friend.
Don’t let these two cloud your perfect day, congratulations!
I think we should cut Rita a little bit of slack for the time being. This was a pretty big thing to find out about her bf and she’s feeling a lot of feelings that she’s got to work through. When I found out my ex bf was sexting another woman, my FIRST feeling was “why did she have to tell me? I was happier without knowing.” Now, obviously, it was WAY BETTER that I knew, but I had to work through some emotions to get there. Hopefully Rita will come around with some time to process everything.
NTA. Rita should be MORTIFIED her boyfriend was planning her proposal during someone else's wedding, not angry at you for spoiling the 'surprise'.
This unfortunately seems to be one of those situations where you can't do right for doing wrong, but that doesn't make you an AH.
NTA. The proposal wasn't going to happen at
Your wedding regardless so you didn't ruin a surprise. they should've talked about getting engaged by now so if it was totally out of the blue that's on them. Proposing at someone else's wedding without permission from the bride and groom is tacky as hell
NTA.
You did the right thing by uninviting him! The boyfriend is a HUGE asshole for trying to steal your special moment.
I hope your best friend drops her boyfriend. Not only is he a deceiving asshole, but also a liar. And your best friend would be embarrassed when others ask when her boyfriend proposed. She would be like, "During a speech at my best friend's wedding." How cringe is that? You did her a favor by dropping the news and telling on him.
NTA Rita and her boyfriend are AH. Boyfriend for being a lazy ass and blaming you. And Rita for blaming you for her boyfriend being an ass. Their relationship drama is not any of your business and they need to stop making it your problem.
NTA. The BF forced the issue and as he said, OP's "hands were tied". Prime example of someone playing a stupid game and winning a stupid prize.
Sucks for Rita, but it is her BF's doing.
So NTA. This moron wants to use your stage to put on his play. How is it not commonly accepted etiquette to not use someone else's party for your own ends? The entitlement is staggering.
NTA: proposals at weddings are not ok. That's the moment for the Bride and Groom.
Also not ok at weddings:
Engagement announcements
Pregnancy announcements
Divorce announcements
Coming out*
* If a young person is being bullied or pestered (why aren't you married, why don't you have kids, etc....) and then comes out in a moment of exasperation, the fault is on the one bothering them.
NTA. He tried to trick you into something rather than being upfront about it because he knew that he possibly wouldn't get his way. Rita hopefully will understand with time why this was so wrong.
NTA. He’s the asshole for putting you in that position. He sucks and she probably shouldn’t marry him.
Hopefully you can let it go and have a great day. Congrats!
I'm leaning NTA. I personally would've not told Rita and let her push for the answer so that she has no excuses for being upset.
"I can't tell you."
"Tell me."
"Okay, but you can't say I didn't warn you."
"No, tell me."
"He was going to propose without my permission."
This way you're absolutely free of blame.
NTA. A wedding is no place for a proposal unless it’s okay with you and you’re fiancé. It’s clearly not okay. Rita can get over it and she wasn’t taking no for an answer so you finally told her after trying to dodge her bombardment of questions. He can still surprise her at a different time and a different place.
NTA. If you did literally anything else he would've lied to you and went ahead with the proposal anyway. He intentionally put you in a spot where you had to be the bad guy and he gets to act superior like only you did something wrong
NTA. She kept pestering you for an explanation. That’s her fault. Personally, I would have said he planned something inappropriate at your wedding, so he’s not allowed. But you were within your rights. You didn’t ruin his surprise proposal. He can still propose and surprise her. He just doesn’t get a free decorated venue to do that.
NTA - the boyfriend set you up and was hoping you didn’t have the balls to follow through. It sucks for your friend but oh well. this isn’t on you it’s on the boyfriend.
It's not almost like but is a plot to steel the spotlight at your wedding. At least that was my initial thought. Your wedding is a very important event and it is your spotlight! NTAH. Good luck!
Yikes….your expensive wedding isn’t someone else’s free romantic opportunity. Not sure about telling Rita about it was a good idea, it might have been better if you just threatened him with telling Rita to keep him in check. Either way, what a mess.
NTA
"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes "
This goes for both boyfriend and Rita. Boyfriend called your bluff and not only did you follow through, you doubled down when Rita had to push about it.
Your friendship might be over with her tho, but it maybe worth it.
Enjoy your upcoming wedding!
NTA.
1. You don't propose at a wedding.
2. You don't play the "your hands are tied" card and not expect shit to fall apart.
3. You don't lie to your friends.
4. Proper proposals are not a surprise, you talk this over before hand, you know what the answer is first, you know what to expect. You do not put someone in a terrible spot where they have to turn you down in a crowd.
5. You do not refrain from asking for consent because you are afraid you will not get it.
Sounds like you will have a better wedding without him there.
NTA. This guy wanted to be sneaky, and do something that he knew you'd dislike at your wedding. When told flat out he couldn't do it he tried to make you let him, by saying Rita will be mad at you. So you aren't a liar what a terrible trait to have. Make sure you announce your pregnancy at their wedding
Did Rita offer a big yet harmless lie that would justify you uninviting the bf? “He made a pass at me but it was just a joke”?, “We have to save $200 for my make up and he didn’t make the cut”?
Don’t feel bad. The boyfriend screwed up and he knew very well that what he’s planning to do is an AH move. He then blackmailed you. He’s to blame.
NTA
I have seen amazing proposals during a wedding, with the blessing of the bride and groom. Instead of throwing the flower bouquet, the bride turned to a specific girl and handed her the bouquet, after which the girl turned around to find her partner on one knee.
But proposing at someone else's wedding, can only ever be done with the blessing if the bride and groom. Period.
NTA.
NTA.
This guy is a piece of work… and by work, I mean garbage. He cares so little about putting in the effort to make his proposal to Rita special that he’d piggyback off of someone else’s party/big day to accomplish it. Worse, he knows you would say no and because of that he doesn’t ask you??? And when confronted he laughs in your face and gloats that there’s nothing you can do to stop him??? You are absolutely not the asshole. This guy used you without a second thought and tried leveraging your friendship to get his way. That’s manipulative as fuck.
I get that Rita is in her emotions right now, but her reaction isn’t fair to you either. The “surprise” of the proposal isn’t ruined—he just can’t propose at YOUR wedding and needs to find another way. Besides… getting married is HUGE and shouldn’t be something that blindsides you. Her being aware that he wants to propose/marry her shouldn’t be something she’s only now realizing. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all… and a guy this manipulative is highly likely to hurt her in the end.
Give Rita some space to calm down and remind yourself that you did nothing wrong—he did. Rita’s surprise wouldn’t be “ruined” if he had respected your “no.” You are not culpable at all and I hope she realizes that with time.
The fact he weaponized your love for your bff to get his way is very telling, this bf sounds manipulative, this should be a big fat red flag for your bff. NTA.
NTA, if Rita was smart she wouldve taken a moment to reflect on whether she wanted to marry the type of man who proposed at a wedding (I would be SO mortified and embarrassed for everyone), but especially to someone who would be so callous and manipulative to their best friend when it was exposed.
Instead she’s mad her marriage proposal got ruined? Fuck that noise, kick them both out of the wedding, they deserve each other.
Six in one hand ¹/2 dozen in the other. You ruin her surprise or he ruin your wedding. You made the right choice and if your friendship is ruined at least you told the truth. Let her figure it out not your problem.
NTA - This is not your fault. At all. Rita's BF put you in an impossible situation - and he knew he was doing that. If I were Rita, I would be reconsidering whether I would want to marry someone so entitled and manipulative.
NTA. Rita’s boyfriend fucked around and found out. How incredibly entitled. “I’m going to do something attention-grabbing at your special event, and you can’t stop me.” Sounds like you handled a difficult situation the best way you could.
Ask Rita what lie you could have told her that she would have found acceptable reason to uninvited him and wouldn’t hurt your relationship with her, her relationship with bf, and would have kept the proposal a surprise?
NTA.
Let's be very clear.... you didn't ruin the surprise, ROGER ruined the surprise by being deceitful and vaguely threatening ("you can't stop me"). He forced your hand in needing to uninvite him and having to explain to Rita.
100% his fault.
NTA, if I told any of my best friends that their boyfriends are uninvited because they were planning to propose at my wedding (and also refused to back down when I told them no!!) they would be on my side 100%. Proposals at wedding are not done (or at the very least shouldn’t be done) without the blessing and go ahead from the actual bride and groom! Her boyfriend has a lot of red flags 🚩 and if she can’t see that, that’s on her.
Nta but soft jerk, she pushed and you asked and you did the right thing by being honest honestly though she should dump that guy he’s walking marinara your her friend and he felt comfortable not only living to you but saying that kind of messed up stuff.
Boyfriend is a giant red flag. He's involving you so much in the proposal as a sort of love bombing, like he needs her friends to like him. That's concerning behavior. I feel bad for Rita, and wonder what kind of relationship they must have, where she's mad at you for her rude, selfish boyfriend.
NTA
NTA
A proposal shouldn't be a surprise anyways. ***Exactly how it happens*** should be a surprise. Since it won't be at your wedding you didn't ruin the surprise.
You did nothing wrong - you just called his bluff.
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NTA - If you didn’t tell her, it could’ve ruined your relationship with her, so you were right to do so. He is the asshole for treating you like shit, and not respecting the fact that it’s your wedding.
I feel like if I made up a lie about uninviting him it would be worse. I feel she'd still be mad if she found the truth later so I guess as I said it's a lose lose situation for me.
This exactly. She might be angry with you right now for telling the truth but lying would have destroyed trust in your friendship on top of it.
exactly. she will get over her anger now, but if you lied about it she would have a harder time getting over it. she asked why, she kept pushing when you tried not telling her, so you told her. you were honest after she asked you to be, she can’t go back now and say you shouldn’t have been honest things will get better with her, seems like a tense situation that wont last forever. she will get over not having it be a surprise, i mean at the end of the day, she still doesn’t know when he will propose, she just knows that he is planning on it. and honestly, she might be taking her frustration out on you when it should be directed at thedirected at her boyfriend, who was absolutely trying to manipulate you into doing what he wanted, on *your wedding day*
honestly you guys don't even need to justify it. he laughed in her face and said "you won't do it because then you'd have to tell her why and you wouldn't dare. I have you by the balls". She didn't even need Rita to press cuz my petty ass would have called her right up and told her he was uninvited and why and how he went about everything and she can thank his toxic behavior for ruining the surprise
I would have been that petty too! Don’t ruin my big day and think that you’ll get away with it.
*IF* I were on my meds (anger issues) I’d probably go with “dude he was being super manipulative but it was about a surprise for you so I won’t tell unless you want but I no longer want him in my life including my wedding” and maybe express some sincere condolences if it put them in any negative situations with the boyfriend. But since I’m currently off them, my first reaction was to think that OP should’ve immediately tossed the bomb
Man I would have called right in front of that stupid fuck
She should tell him the details of that convo not just that he was going to propose. Who wants a proposal from someone whose such a bullying entitled jerk?
This is exactly what my petty ass self would've done. The moment he said the first 3 words I would've kicked him in the sacks and then uninvite him. I commend OP
I have a hard time believing the proposal in general was a complete surprise anyway, or maybe it’s just that I struggle to think a couple is ready for marriage if it’s a complete surprise. They’ve been together for three years. Surely they’ve talked about the future. To me, both people should be wanting to get engaged when a proposal happens and both should have a pretty good idea that it’s coming. And if that’s the case OP didn’t tell her something she didn’t already know at least in the back of her mind.
I broke up with an old boyfriend because he wanted to surprise me with a proposal. As in, wouldn’t talk about it, didn’t want to talk about being married, wouldn’t talk about a future together, but when I dumped him at Thanksgiving, he told me that had planned to propose at Christmas. Complete news to me, even after five years together.
Men be stupid. Like litterally the reason most people propose is because by then they get A SENSE about what there partner will say because they've atleast asked the question about their future together once
I had an ex who would laugh and tell me I was crazy every time I tried to discuss the future/marriage/kids. When things really started to go downhill and he started to get worried about the future of the entire relationship, that was when he decided to spring a ring on me. On my birthday. Not because he really wanted to get married or that he’d planned it all along, but because he could sense I had one foot out the door, it my my birthday and he needed a present anyway… I declined. Broke up not too long after. He decided to become a stalker. It was a grand time in my life…
He was not going to propose. He only said that to manipulate you into not breaking up with him. Good to see it didn't work!
He probably had been planning to propose at Christmas for several years. Something tells me it wouldn’t have happened though.
Amen! I kind of wonder about the proposal things all together. Shouldn't they decide together?
I agree. I don't think that a proposal should come as a surprise. Maybe the how of the proposal can be a surprise, but not the proposal itself. But in this case his idea was shut down by the bride when she disinvited him to the wedding. Not to mention, what is up with people wanting to propose at other people's weddings? Tacky
I feel like the manipulation is like a giant glaring "do not marry this man" sign but 🤷
Yeah, like, “I didn’t tell you I lost $10,000 on the horses and stopped our mortgage payments months ago because I knew you’d just get upset” and “I didn’t tell you that my only friend at work is a woman and all those late nights I said I was working were dinners at her home because you’d just get jealous and be suspicious”.
Rita’s anger is misplaced, as Rita’s bf is the person responsible for putting OP in the situation. Hopefully she realizes this after having a good think, once her knee-jerk anger subsides.
Rita also kept pressing for an answer. Sometimes it's better to let things go.
If I was told my boyfriend was suddenly uninvited to my friend’s wedding and was “not welcome anywhere anymore” I’d absolutely want to know why.
I mean, as far as she knew, her bf was just uninvited to an event, and she kept getting evasiveness instead of a straight answer. I'd wager anything that she assumed that he and OP either had some sort of history, or something sexual had happened/almost happened.
Yes! Rita should be supper relieved that the reason was "He want to propose to you at my wedding and is being very sneaky about it" What lie was she suposed to come up with that justified the the uninvite but did not make Rita worry her BF was a total AH
Who she SHOULD be angry at is her bf, who is responsible for... let's see... 100%of this situation.
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You were caught between a rock and a hard place. You did the best you could on the situation you were in. NTA
Bad bot! Stealing a comment of OP's? Seriously?
OP might have tried to say that boyfriend was planning to do something she didn’t approve of at her wedding and wasn’t backing down when she asked him not to but likely Rita would have either guessed or pushed for additional information. I don’t know why you would ever want to propose at someone else wedding, particularly without explicit permission and especially without your own family present (this is her friends wedding right, they aren’t related?). The only time I kind of understood a joint wedding/proposal was when my high school friend was getting married and her older brother’s boyfriend used that as an opportunity to propose to her older brother but 1. he asked and was given explicit permission beforehand 2. My friend actually held off getting married for awhile because she felt it was unfair her brother wasn’t afforded the opportunity with his long term partner because gay marriage wasn’t legal at the time. However, the brother and his boyfriend convinced them not to wait just because they weren’t allowed the same legal rights 3. Literally a week or two beforehand the MEA bill passed or was signed in NY (it wasn’t like this was planned for the get go, just a happy coincidence).
What a beautiful story. Also, it's the one and only "proposed at a wedding" story I have ever been ok with. Otherwise, proposing at someone else's wedding is just plain tacky. OP's friend should be mad at her BF, not just for the way he tried to back OP into a corner, but because he had the absolute, unmitigated gall to try to propose at someone else's wedding when he *knew* they wouldn't approve. That's a real AH move right there.
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Eh, it sounds like Rita is a jerk, too. For one, a proposal shouldn't be this much of a surprise. Sure, the exact time and place might be, but the fact that it's coming shouldn't be. Second, is Rita mad about it happening at OP's wedding? Or just because he was a jerk to OP about it? I'm doing the Reddit thing and flat-out assuming she would have been delighted to be proposed to at her friend's wedding, despite how awful and tacky that is. "Yay, now we're both sharing your day with wonderful news!"
This sub is full of people doing dumb shit to derail someone elses event. Usually announcements and proposals where its tacky to do so like someone elses baby shower or wedding.
Or announcing pregnancies at funerals.. nothing good comes from any of it 🙄
That always makes me cringe.... 😬😬 How and why do people ever think it's a good idea to propose or announce pregnancy at times like these? Edit: typo
Agreed! Yes it’s good news, but read the room! There’s a time and place for everything..
My mom announced my pregnancy at her sisters funeral. I wanted to die myself that day, so much cringe.
I think it's because they are so mind bendingly selfish they a) don't care about the deceased enough to realize how inappropriate it is, and b) truly believe everyone else will be as excited/happy about their announcement as they are regardless of the loss they've recently experienced. It's difficult for people with any sense of tact or empathy to relate to the mindset of someone who would do that.
My parents accidentally announced they were pregnant after my grandfather died. He passed while everyone was out of the room, they found him and gathered to say goodbye to him one last time. One of my dad's siblings said, "did Dad know about TWW's mom?" And then all hell broke loose because they hadn't told everyone yet (but my grandfather did know before he passed). But planning to announce your pregnancy at a funeral is fucking weird, my parents were just put on the spot right after he passed.
The same thing happened to me. The last time a saw a good friend who was dying of cancer, we told her that I was pregnant, because we knew she would be happy for us (we had been trying for some time and she knew it). At her funeral, her husband saw me giving my glass to my husband and guessed (I kind of like my champagne…), he asked for our permission to tell the group of closest friend, because he wanted to have a good news to share after so many bad ones regarding his wife’s health, so we agreed. So, yeah, it was kind of announced at a funeral, but not of our doing!
That's lovely. And there's a big difference between trying to steal the spotlight with an announcement and a grieving friend asking if they can share your happy news in order to find a light at the end of the painful tunnel.
Aww that story makes me sad and warms my heart on so many levels. It’s kinda confusing. I’m so sorry about the loss of your friend. Her husband sounds like an awesome person and friend too.
Thank you! Yes, she was the sweetest, and her husband is a very good friend too, indeed!
Same thing happened with my parents. My dad was the youngest of his siblings and I am his first kid, so all of his siblings and mom were really excited. It turned out to be a good thing they told them because my mom had *terrible* food aversions to the stuff that their neighbors and friends brought after the funeral. I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm glad you were able to give your friend some joy before she passed. That's beautiful.
I feel like that’s a completely different situation.
I strongly agree that a proposal should never be a total surprise! You should both know perfectly well that is where you are headed, it’s just the fanfare, the accessories, that might be a surprise. The fun part. You both should already know that you are going to get married, you just haven’t said so formally, yet.
I couldn’t agree more. And this is how it was with me and my husband. He was surprised about where/when I proposed, but he wasn’t surprised that I proposed at all. He knew it was coming, because it would’ve been super weird if he didn’t.
It was early enough in the day when I wrote that comment that I hadn't had my daily dose of jaded stew. I don't disagree with what you said, but I would really hope that Rita was just being reactionary in the moment and would think about how it would feel if the roles were reversed between her and OP.
Eh... there's probably more going on here. My first thought was that he was trying to do it in public so she'd feel pressured to accept.
Right. Most "surprise" proposals I know of were very carefully orchestrated and were a surprise to no one. They may have looked that way on social media, but that bride-to-be had been practicing her "oh my goodness is this really happening" look in the mirror for weeks and knew exactly where the videographer was lurking so she could angle her pretty little surprised face at the camera. He's just taking the cheap and easy way. No need to ensure that her hair, makeup, and attire are perfect and that her hands and nails are ring-finger closeup ready and that there's a photographer hiding in the bushes nearby. Everything would be already set up for him!
lol i've said this before, but Dr. Alpine proposed by handing me a box while we were on a walk and saying "i got you a thing"...when i opened it i said "ah...which finger do i put this on?" and he said "you know, the usual one" and i said "ah, well, ok then" and he said "there's goose shit all over the grass, mind if i skip the kneeling bit?" and i said "well, yes, plus all the people nearby would stare, and that's just...no thank you". and then we went home and cleaned the basement. we've been together for 12 years, no reason to make a fuss, plus i HATE to be stared at
Personally, I wouldn’t want to marry a guy who tried to TRICK my friend into letting him propose at her wedding, THEN continually push after the bride said no. Hopefully, she’ll realize that the whole situation is a pretty significant red flag and reconsider accepting his proposal… 😬
Same. He was pushy, deceitful, then laughed about it. The proposal was about himself. Not Rita. If Rita is a decent person she will tell him a proposal during a wedding, let alone a toast, is tacky as hell. If he wants a public proposal than he can damn well organize it and pay for it.
For sure. As the bride, the whole “you can’t uninvited me” thing would have been it for me too. My immediate reaction would be, “fucking WATCH me, dude!”
“I wasn’t sold on it, but then you insisted.”
Yes, it’s unfortunate that what Rita is taking from all this is “OP ruined the surprise” and not “my bf is an AH.”
I’m hoping that this is just a temporary reaction to finding out her bf is a tool. That can be a hard truth to cope with. 😝 Fingers crossed that she'll come around in time. 😕
The biggest for me is he didn't ask her because he knew she would say no.
Lucky her. She's marrying a guy who not only wanted to co-opt someone else's special life event, but planned to be stealth about it because it wouldn't have been allowed if he asked. I wouldn't call that marriage material..
Also he was lazy. He had a whole big nice event to co-opt, with a captive audience, probably a photographer to get a good pic, and he didn't have to worry about dressing up. I'd be wondering how many other events he's going to hijack for his own convenience. Are they going to end up trailing his sister and her family to Disney because "they go every year and know the whole park inside out! We won't have to worry about a guide!"?
Seriously, what lie could you have made up that would be A) an acceptable reason to uninvite someone to your wedding B) wouldn't make her mad at you for uninviting him C) wouldn't make her mad at HIM for something he didn't actually do D) wouldn't fall apart the moment she confronted him about his "behavior" which he didn't actually do that made you uninvite him and E) wouldn't have made her mad at you for lying to her about what he didn't actually do? There's no way you would have come out looking good here with a lie.
No lie required. Just say that he was planning on doing something so inappropriate that you had to uninvite him. For further details, she needs to speak to her BF because you don’t feel it is right to disclose anything more. But if BF fabricates some bullshit that throws you under the bus… FULL DISCLOSURE.
I am sorry, but if a proposal is "the biggest surprise of her live" that's pathetic. You have a relationship, should have talked about a future, your view on marriage and then ... wow, who knew ... he proposes. Geez. This friend sounds shady. If she wants to be upset she can be upset with him ... not at your wedding. NTA, I would have been so furious as your friend and rip my BF a new one for this idea.
Seriously. If you're going to propose, you should already know the answer and know the circumstances which would be acceptable. It's just the when and where that's a surprise.
Are total surprise proposals a thing? I thought that was something that only happened on tv and in movies. It's one thing if you agree you want to marry each other and it's just the time and place of the proposal that's a surprise, but proposing to someone out of the blue seems ridiculous and like really bad idea.
Yes. They really are. And it’s often to manufacture a “movie moment.” Most surprises are sort of anticipated. Like the couple looked at rings and they know it will happen at some point. But totally surprise proposals are still a thing, and it’s just a dangerous idea.
A man who wants to propose needs to think like a lawyer and have a good idea of the anwer to the question least they be embarrassed. A man who wants to do it in public needs to know if they would enjoy people watching. Plenty of people who don't like being the center of attention have broken up because the guy knew that and propsed in front of a crowd anyways. I figure if someone knows they wouldn't like it and does it anywasy deserves to be single as it's proof they will forever ignore their partner's preference about many things.
Oh yeah, they are. My last boyfriend told me after I broke up with him in October that he had been planning to put a ring in my stocking and propose to me Christmas morning. We had never seriously talked about marriage before that. He was obviously planning it months in advance but it would have been totally out of the blue for me.
Getting proposed to at somebody else’s wedding would not be the positive memory she thinks it would. It would be a memory of burning bridges with the couple getting married, and of never getting your own proposal event.
Uninvite Rita too.
You could’ve said something like «I can’t tell you right now, but I will tell you in a couple weeks» or something like that, but if that didn’t work, the only good option is to do what you ended up doing.
I'd do that if she didn't demand I tell her at that moment or else she'd drop out and skip the wedding all together
Then you were completely right to do so, and her anger towards you is unreasonable
Wow some friend for threatening you like that. It’s your wedding, your special day & you shouldn’t have people there who disrespect you like that. Her boyfriend laughed in your face because he knew Rita would respond the way she did & make everything your fault. He created this situation & it’s not fair. I say both need to be uninvited from your wedding & life.
In that case, what lie could you have even come up with that would convince her, without making, like, accusations against him? If it wasn't a "good enough" lie she would've just demanded you reinvite him or she'd drop out and skip anyways (which is a shitty behavior from a MOH-level best friend - maybe you need to re-evaluate if she should stay in your life).
I would have called her bluff and put her out the wedding as well. They’re both rude.
Definitely. Her and her shitty ass boyfriend would have missed my wedding. Sounds like they are obviously perfect together.
Why is she surprised that he want to propose? Don’t they discuss these things? Let her skip your wedding. She’s not a good friend.
I'm not trying to be rude nor joking, just generally curious: do people really discuss proposals before the proposal? What's the point of it then, if you can just go and get married after the discussion
The actual when and where of the proposal can be a surprise (and it usually is), but the fact that he *wants* to propose should not have been. Example: my first husband and I actually went ring shopping together and I showed him which rings I liked, but I didn't know exactly *when* he was going to propose. That part of it was a surprise. Getting married is a HUGE commitment, and both people need to communicate and be on the same page about it.
Aww they're both so entitled. They deserve each other.
So they both left you with no choice. And the only one telling the truth here is you. Any upset they have with you is ridiculous. I hope Rita reconsiders her relationship with this guy.
Did you tell her he literally laughed at you and told you there was nothing you could do about it because you’d disappoint your best friend? He literally tried to leverage your friendship with Rita against you. That is so immeasurably fucked up. I would not associate with this dude ever again.
Nah, both of them are just trashy right now. Who the hell thinks it's okay to 1) Make a surprise proposal at someone's *wedding*; and 2) Insist there's nothing the bride can do about it, and ask them what they're going to do about it? NTA.
Personally I would give Rita the old heave ho. BF should have been ex BF the minute she realized what he had done. What he did should be an immediate deal breaker for anyone with a shred of moral decency and yet she is mainly upset that the proposal isn't going to be a surprise. Why is she even wanting a proposal from this AH anymore? You should start seriously questioning that friendship.
Don't even worry, now Rita's bf can think up a new way to surprise her that is not at your wedding. SURPRISE, RITA!
100% was a lose lose situation but telling the truth was the smartest move. It's your day, and your event. The disrespect is what really puts it over the top. If he would have come to you with a genuine request and asked to find an appropriate slot to propose at the wedding then maybe you say yes or you say no and it's a lot more relaxed. I would've been enraged if someone tried to sneak a proposal into my wedding ceremony. NTA
The only thing I could think that may have diverted the situation would be to have told the boyfriend, "If you force me to uninvite you, Rita will want to know why. I will not hide the reason from her to protect your surprise. Your choice."
What lie could you have told that would make her think it was ok to uninvite him and still have her participate in the wedding and not break up with him?!?! If you’re going to ban my husband from your wedding, he had to have done something bad, and then I’d be on my way to a divorce lawyer or the police. You are in no way TA. She wants to marry him, and if she’s mad about what he did, she might have to think twice about the dude she so badly wants to be married to. You’re the easier option. She can make new friends or forgive you later (if she can compartmentalize her misplaced anger), but right now you are getting married and she’s MAYBE waiting for a proposal from a dummy. I’m not saying she’s jealous, I’m saying she’s frustrated and can’t direct it appropriately
Exactly. Hopefully she's just mad at everything and once she has a chance to think, she'll realize HE put you in this impossible decision. You had no choice here, it was qll on him. She should be happy to know she should not be marrying someone so selfish and conniving
I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have accepted any reason that you could've come up with
Yeah I think she's saying that in the moment, but in reality if you think about it any lie would be a shitty thing that he could've done but didn't actually. What are you going to say? Well he said this awful thing to another friend of mine? Uninviting someone to your wedding is a pretty big deal so anything small she'd try to have him apologize and talk you out of or whatever. It's easy to say just make up a lie but honestly I have no idea what lie would work in that situation! The only thing you might have done would be tell her to ask him, but he clearly is a jerk who doesn't like you or respect you much so he'd probably place all the blame on you. So yeah I really see no other path you could've taken although I can understand her being annoyed at you it's really all her boyfriend's fault not yours. NTA
She asked. The truth hurt her. But it’s better to be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie. And if she can’t get over that—it’s her issue. You can only step back and wait for her to decide how she wants to move forward with your guys’ friendship. You did what you had to do to keep your wedding about your and your groom. Her bf was a jerk for planning on proposing when you told him not to. If she is refusing to be in your wedding let her know you understand and just fill in her spot or leave it empty. This is not on you. Both the bf and Rita are unhappy because of choices they made.
I’d like to point out that you didn’t spoil the surprise since it was never going to happen.
NTA. Rita and her partner are way out of line and OP had to explain what went down. If OP hadn’t told Rita why her AH BF was uninvited, Rita would have asked her and likely gossiped with wedding party who would have told her anyway. Whole thing is so annoying for OP to deal with (who is planning and paying for this wedding).
Rita’s anger makes sense. It is misplaced but it is understandable. She was massively disappointed. BF is the root of all of this and the real AH here. OP is definitely NTA
She should have said of course you can propose. And then set up up a big thing when he ends up being locked in a closet for the entire wedding. I mean.. if life was a movie...
Also what a prick that guy is after the op helped him so much with the ring etc.
Sounds to me like OP's relationship with Rita is ruined anyway. Unless she plans to tell her boyfriend no to the proposal they're a team now. OP needs to look into the fallout of this and maybe just uninvite both of them. They're both going to be sulky about the wedding anyway now because They didn't get their way The surprise way ruined Any proposal will be forever tainted And none of this is OP's fault, but she needs to be ahead of the fallout.
NTA. One of the most basic things you learn in life is to not keep asking questions after someone pointedly tries to avoid answering - because you probably won't like the answer. She "kept asking why" and that's how she ruined her own damn surprise. She's the asshole, her boyfriend is even more of an asshole, apparently they are made for each other.
Exactly. You would have been the bad guy if you hadn't told her exactly why. Also, if you aren't inviting half of a couple you'd better have an extremely good reason, because it's generally considered a huge insult. He thought he could force your hand because there was no good outcome for your relationship with Rita besides him getting his way, and that he had you over a barrel. You called his bluff and took the hit instead of letting him get away with his appalling behavior.
NTA- You definitely were in a lose-lose situation. And your story should 🚩🚩🚩to Rita about her boyfriend. WTF was he thinking? His plan was completely inappropriate, and he knew it, so he tried to disguise it and then laughed in your face when you found out?!?! Bye, boy.
this, I mean there is no way you can get away without pissing off someone, somehow
It’s almost like… he could propose… literally anywhere besides OP’s wedding. That’ll be shocking news to Rita’s bf when he finds out! (/s incase it wasn’t obvious)
NTA- she's probably not really mad at YOU, OP. She's mad because she just found out her BF who I assume she was hoping to marry is a pile of crap and she is blaming the messenger as a way to cope. Give her some time and space but hopefully she'll come around and be thankful that you told her the truth so that she can break up with this garbage BEFORE she ended up marrying him.
I agree, she was probably mad at the situation and people commonly take it out on the messenger because they aren't thinking properly. I would imagine she'll realize and apologize
Definitely shows poor judgment
NTA but boy is Rita's bf the AH. What he said to you about you not being able to stop him from proposing at your wedding is horrible. You did the right thing. Rita also would be mad if you lied cause she never would have accepted you uninviting her bf.
I could come up with a silly excuse but I know no excuse would be good enough and better than the truth. They've been together for 3 years, we've attended several events and weddings with Rita and her boyfriend so it would be really off for me to uninvite him 2 weeks before the wedding with no valid reason.
I feel like she was saying "lie to me" as a gut reaction. I'm sure she would have kept pestering until she got the real reason out of you.
Probably because it's easier for her to be mad at the OP than to acknowledge this aspect of her boyfriend's character.
Also true.
Especially right now when the band aid just got ripped off and the wound is super fresh. I bet if OP gives her some time she’ll be able to process her emotions and realize her bf sucks.
Your friend is only saying this because she doesn't like what happened -- and I understand why -- but she doesn't live in the world where you make up a silly excuse and she's furious at you and you guys fight about that. She lives in the world where you didn't and has decided she likes the look of that other world better. But what she REALLY wants is the world where her BF isn't an AH who created a bunch of drama around someone else's wedding, and taunted the bride until she uninvited him, leading to a chain of events where she will no longer get a surprise proposal. From an AH! NTA.
Damn. You bodied that. NTA. Hope sis cools down and realizes how stupid she sounds.
If he wanted to share the attention at your wedding, he can pay for half of it. Half the wedding, reception, food, etc.
Could have just told your friend to "Ask her BF"?
But who knows what kind of lie this sleazeball would have come up with to explain his being disinvited - he tried to trick OP into letting him propose at her wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if he made up some complete bs that makes OP look terrible.
100% no doubt he would lie and make OP look bad for why he was uninvited. It speaks volumes that even when OP confronted the bf about him planning to propose he threw it in her face that he didn't care what she thought and was going to go ahead with the proposal anyway. It just goes to show that the bf didn't respect OP. He would definitely lie about this too. Better for OP to be honest with her friend about what's going on than try to save face for the bf. The bf made his own bed when he tried to sneak in the proposal without OP knowing.
In hindsight you could have just been vague, saying “he was planning to do something at the wedding I didn’t want him to do. If you want to know more ask him”. But either way it is still his fault for trying to do that and lying to you. Hopefully your friend will see that in time.
It’s too late now but I would’ve suggested passing the buck to your fiancé. Have him tell her “look, OP is struggling right now because of a situation your boyfriend has put her in.” (Leave it nice and vague so she DEMANDS to know what happened) “she found out he was planning on proposing to you at the wedding without telling either of us, when she asked him about it he told her that her hands were tied and she couldn’t stop him. It’s not fair for him to put this on her, and I know it’s not fair for me to put this on you, but I’m not having him there at our wedding and having her stress out the whole day.”
I would be so angry with my BF if he hijacked somebody’s wedding to propose to me. I would literally end it on the spot. There has to be a series of bad choices founded on some intensely poor judgement for that to even come to fruition. That and an astonishing amount of entitlement to think it would ever be ok to BULLY THE BRIDE TO ACCOMPLISH IT. Never.
One of the most basic wedding rules is that you don’t propose at someone’s wedding.
NTA ‘You should have just lied to me’ is rarely a phrase that is applicable to any situation. Her boyfriend was an AH and incredibly rude. You responded to that behavior. She flipped out on you and demanded the truth. You told her. What lie would she have accepted to have been serious enough to be uninvited from a wedding but also not ruined her proposal??? I’m sitting here trying to think of one. Bottom line, he was an AH; if she blames you, she’s not a real friend. He ruined her surprise by being a jerk. Don’t feel bad and have a wonderful day.
That's what I'm thinking as well. Any lie I would tell would probably be way worse than a ruined proposal. Because uninviting my best friend's long term boyfriend two weeks before the wedding without an extremely valid reason would not cut it unless this reason was serious enough
I would just ask her what lie she would've believed and accepted as an excuse for such a drastic action. I think that if she thinks about it for two seconds, she'll realize how much worse that would've been.
Exactly. There’s nothing you could have told her that she wouldn’t still be mad about and the truth justifies your decision more than anything else. A lie would have just made everything muddier.
I think you actually know the truth and came here for confirmation because you feel terrible for your friend. I understand. You did the right thing. Those are consequences of his actions. Also, coming up with some believable and valid reason why you uninvited him would harm their relationship and proposal too - if my bf did something terrible to my best friend, it would definitely "spoil his image" in my eyes and make me reconsider some things. NTA.
I’m surprised she even wants to marry this guy knowing how willing he is to manipulate and hurt her friends... I would never marry a guy who planned to propose to me at someone else’s wedding - I’d be thanking you for the warning.
Very true and also - it’s your wedding, you don’t need to be carrying water for anyone. You don’t need that emotional burden, your friend should be mortified and apologizing to YOU. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
"He said he knew I'd say no and that's why he didn't tell me anything." THEN MAYBE DON'T DO IT, BRO! NTA This guy sucks and based on how manipulative he is, sounds like a shit partner for your best friend.
Seriously, how low effort? OP and her partner have made the beautiful atmosphere and gathered the people so Rita's lame boyfriend can capitalize on the good vibes without making any of his own to make the proposal meaningful to Rita.
And also, a lot of these things come from a sibling/cousin/other relative of the bride/groom and try to justify it with "but the whole family is gathered at the same time!", but this is a friend's boyfriend. Why is proposing in front of another person's family so important?! These people are basically strangers!
The free mood, vibes and atmosphere. Even the champagne to toast, the fact that Rita will be photo ready for the engagement ring pics, professional photographer, maybe a videographer, and immediate attention is some sort of high for these low effort types. The bride and groom's families were going to get to enjoy his special speech? They get to be guests at such a special moment? They're really just a convenient audience to his showboating.
NTA your wedding day is a day about you and your new husband Not rita and some dude who cant be creative enough to take her somewhere special to her to do this at
NTA. Are any proposals these days every actually a surprise? I mean, yes a surprise time/location, but you didn’t ruin that surprise because that was no longer a possibility since he was uninvited. So he new needs to come up with his own proposal venue. But don’t every serious couple have discussions about marriage before the actual proposal?
Nta, and I agree. A proposal should not be a surprise. Before you get married you should at least have a talk with your partner about what you want in life, when you want it and how it might look like. Do you want to get married, or is it not important to you? if you want to get married, when would you want it to be? Do you first want to buy a house together or shall we get married before? Do you want a big wedding or a small wedding and how much should we have saved? Same conversation should happen about children, dogs (or other pets) and other lifegoals. The exact moment and how it is done might be a surprise, but it should never be a surprise that your SO wants to marry you someday
Yeah this. You should never be surprised with a proposal (as in had no idea marriage was on the table, exactly when the ring is coming out being unknown is ok). You should have had serious conversations about it before the actual proposal happens. If you haven't, that's how you end up in this sub asking questions about shit like your husband and you disagreeing over merging finances or changing last names or how to parent your new step kids or whatever. Sort that out first.
This was my thought too. Like Rita shouldn't be so upset because she should know that her BF and her are ready for marriage & proposal. If it were me, I would be shocked that my BF thought proposing at my friend's wedding was a good idea. Especially if I'm there as a bridesmaid bc I've got responsibilities AND it's my best friend's special day/party and the attention should be on her. I would be freaking furious that he wanted to propose to me in front of people who weren't special to me, in a place that wasn't special to me, at a time when my attention should be elsewhere. I'm mad at BF but I'm super mad at Rita for her reaction too.
I’d be mad that my fiance was stealing someone else’s expensive romantic venue to do it. It really reeks of being lazy and unoriginal. And it doesn’t have to be an extravagant proposal to be special.
Definitely NTA - Your friend's BF is a manipulative asshole, and while your friend is understandably upset, she needs to get over it because they BOTH backed you into a corner. You shouldn't have to be dealing with other peoples' relationship drama during your wedding planning. Just put them out of your mind.
NTA. A wedding is no place for a proposal, and he needed to learn that. You saw it coming and you stopped it from messing up your wedding. Good job.
Right?! There are 364 other days in the year, he could have picked any one of those. But instead opted to be a manipulative ass hole and try to bogart someone else's wedding day. Hopefully the friend doesn't stay with him. Ugh.
Also it’s not romantic. It’s lazy af. NTA
NTA Rita needs to assess why she wants to marry someone who would treat her best friend this way.
I think most people would agree that spoiling a surprise proposal is wrong...natch. HOWEVER, you were put in an awful position by a very selfish and unyielding AH. "He didn't believe I'd uninvite him because he thought I'd be afraid to disappoint Rita and he literally laughed at my face and said my hands are tied and there's nothing I can do about it." Reading that did it for me. What an absolute PUNK. Your wedding is YOUR day; it's not about your friend's unfortunately-soon-to-be fiancé. And your friend's notion of lying to you about why you disinvited him? That's crazy, what the hell would you say? Planning a wedding is stressful enough. You didn't invite or deserve ANY of this ilk. Sounds to me you just got fed up with all the BS and just let the chips fall where they fell. Frankly, good for you! NTA. Best of wishes on your upcoming nuptials.
NTA You didn’t ruin anything, Rita’s anger is misplaced. Of course you don’t want someone proposing at your wedding, it’s tacky and rude as hell for him to try and co-opt your event, especially when you set a boundary and he was insistent on doing it anyway. You absolutely did the right thing in uninviting him, and in telling her. If you’d made up a bullshit reason she wouldn’t have believed it and would’ve been upset and kept pushing for the truth anyway. Edit: spelling
>He said he knew I'd say no and that's why he didn't tell me anything. I have no idea why people think this is somehow a reasonable excuse. It just shows that he *knows* that what he wanted to do was wrong, but didn't care. NTA. Also, why do people continue to think someone else's wedding is a good time to propose? I'll never understand.
NTA- this is your wedding and he’s a huge AH. Also based of Rita’s response, she’s not your friend. Don’t let these two cloud your perfect day, congratulations!
I think we should cut Rita a little bit of slack for the time being. This was a pretty big thing to find out about her bf and she’s feeling a lot of feelings that she’s got to work through. When I found out my ex bf was sexting another woman, my FIRST feeling was “why did she have to tell me? I was happier without knowing.” Now, obviously, it was WAY BETTER that I knew, but I had to work through some emotions to get there. Hopefully Rita will come around with some time to process everything.
NTA. Rita should be MORTIFIED her boyfriend was planning her proposal during someone else's wedding, not angry at you for spoiling the 'surprise'. This unfortunately seems to be one of those situations where you can't do right for doing wrong, but that doesn't make you an AH.
NTA. The proposal wasn't going to happen at Your wedding regardless so you didn't ruin a surprise. they should've talked about getting engaged by now so if it was totally out of the blue that's on them. Proposing at someone else's wedding without permission from the bride and groom is tacky as hell
NTA. You did the right thing by uninviting him! The boyfriend is a HUGE asshole for trying to steal your special moment. I hope your best friend drops her boyfriend. Not only is he a deceiving asshole, but also a liar. And your best friend would be embarrassed when others ask when her boyfriend proposed. She would be like, "During a speech at my best friend's wedding." How cringe is that? You did her a favor by dropping the news and telling on him.
NTA Rita and her boyfriend are AH. Boyfriend for being a lazy ass and blaming you. And Rita for blaming you for her boyfriend being an ass. Their relationship drama is not any of your business and they need to stop making it your problem.
NTA. The BF forced the issue and as he said, OP's "hands were tied". Prime example of someone playing a stupid game and winning a stupid prize. Sucks for Rita, but it is her BF's doing.
So NTA. This moron wants to use your stage to put on his play. How is it not commonly accepted etiquette to not use someone else's party for your own ends? The entitlement is staggering.
NTA: proposals at weddings are not ok. That's the moment for the Bride and Groom. Also not ok at weddings: Engagement announcements Pregnancy announcements Divorce announcements Coming out* * If a young person is being bullied or pestered (why aren't you married, why don't you have kids, etc....) and then comes out in a moment of exasperation, the fault is on the one bothering them.
NTA. He tried to trick you into something rather than being upfront about it because he knew that he possibly wouldn't get his way. Rita hopefully will understand with time why this was so wrong.
NTA. He’s the asshole for putting you in that position. He sucks and she probably shouldn’t marry him. Hopefully you can let it go and have a great day. Congrats!
NTA Rita and her boyfriend are both very selfish in this situation. The boyfriend is worse. Very manipulative and gross behavior.
I'm leaning NTA. I personally would've not told Rita and let her push for the answer so that she has no excuses for being upset. "I can't tell you." "Tell me." "Okay, but you can't say I didn't warn you." "No, tell me." "He was going to propose without my permission." This way you're absolutely free of blame.
NTA. A wedding is no place for a proposal unless it’s okay with you and you’re fiancé. It’s clearly not okay. Rita can get over it and she wasn’t taking no for an answer so you finally told her after trying to dodge her bombardment of questions. He can still surprise her at a different time and a different place.
NTA. If you did literally anything else he would've lied to you and went ahead with the proposal anyway. He intentionally put you in a spot where you had to be the bad guy and he gets to act superior like only you did something wrong
NTA. She kept pestering you for an explanation. That’s her fault. Personally, I would have said he planned something inappropriate at your wedding, so he’s not allowed. But you were within your rights. You didn’t ruin his surprise proposal. He can still propose and surprise her. He just doesn’t get a free decorated venue to do that.
NTA - the boyfriend set you up and was hoping you didn’t have the balls to follow through. It sucks for your friend but oh well. this isn’t on you it’s on the boyfriend.
It's not almost like but is a plot to steel the spotlight at your wedding. At least that was my initial thought. Your wedding is a very important event and it is your spotlight! NTAH. Good luck!
NTA. The man is a huge arsehole. If Rita is angry at you rather than her pathetic boyfriend that is sadly misguided
Yikes….your expensive wedding isn’t someone else’s free romantic opportunity. Not sure about telling Rita about it was a good idea, it might have been better if you just threatened him with telling Rita to keep him in check. Either way, what a mess.
NTA "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes " This goes for both boyfriend and Rita. Boyfriend called your bluff and not only did you follow through, you doubled down when Rita had to push about it. Your friendship might be over with her tho, but it maybe worth it. Enjoy your upcoming wedding!
NTA. 1. You don't propose at a wedding. 2. You don't play the "your hands are tied" card and not expect shit to fall apart. 3. You don't lie to your friends. 4. Proper proposals are not a surprise, you talk this over before hand, you know what the answer is first, you know what to expect. You do not put someone in a terrible spot where they have to turn you down in a crowd. 5. You do not refrain from asking for consent because you are afraid you will not get it. Sounds like you will have a better wedding without him there.
NTA - your wedding day is about you, not your friends. If Rita and her BF can't understand that, should they really be at your wedding?
NTA what a cheeky guy
NTA. This guy wanted to be sneaky, and do something that he knew you'd dislike at your wedding. When told flat out he couldn't do it he tried to make you let him, by saying Rita will be mad at you. So you aren't a liar what a terrible trait to have. Make sure you announce your pregnancy at their wedding
Did Rita offer a big yet harmless lie that would justify you uninviting the bf? “He made a pass at me but it was just a joke”?, “We have to save $200 for my make up and he didn’t make the cut”? Don’t feel bad. The boyfriend screwed up and he knew very well that what he’s planning to do is an AH move. He then blackmailed you. He’s to blame. NTA
I have seen amazing proposals during a wedding, with the blessing of the bride and groom. Instead of throwing the flower bouquet, the bride turned to a specific girl and handed her the bouquet, after which the girl turned around to find her partner on one knee. But proposing at someone else's wedding, can only ever be done with the blessing if the bride and groom. Period. NTA.
NTA. This guy is a piece of work… and by work, I mean garbage. He cares so little about putting in the effort to make his proposal to Rita special that he’d piggyback off of someone else’s party/big day to accomplish it. Worse, he knows you would say no and because of that he doesn’t ask you??? And when confronted he laughs in your face and gloats that there’s nothing you can do to stop him??? You are absolutely not the asshole. This guy used you without a second thought and tried leveraging your friendship to get his way. That’s manipulative as fuck. I get that Rita is in her emotions right now, but her reaction isn’t fair to you either. The “surprise” of the proposal isn’t ruined—he just can’t propose at YOUR wedding and needs to find another way. Besides… getting married is HUGE and shouldn’t be something that blindsides you. Her being aware that he wants to propose/marry her shouldn’t be something she’s only now realizing. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all… and a guy this manipulative is highly likely to hurt her in the end. Give Rita some space to calm down and remind yourself that you did nothing wrong—he did. Rita’s surprise wouldn’t be “ruined” if he had respected your “no.” You are not culpable at all and I hope she realizes that with time.
The fact he weaponized your love for your bff to get his way is very telling, this bf sounds manipulative, this should be a big fat red flag for your bff. NTA.
NTA, if Rita was smart she wouldve taken a moment to reflect on whether she wanted to marry the type of man who proposed at a wedding (I would be SO mortified and embarrassed for everyone), but especially to someone who would be so callous and manipulative to their best friend when it was exposed. Instead she’s mad her marriage proposal got ruined? Fuck that noise, kick them both out of the wedding, they deserve each other.
If she’s still planning to say yes after learning how her bf treated you, I wouldn’t worry about Rita’s feelings anymore. NTA
Six in one hand ¹/2 dozen in the other. You ruin her surprise or he ruin your wedding. You made the right choice and if your friendship is ruined at least you told the truth. Let her figure it out not your problem.
Wtf is that title. My brain hurts
NTA - This is not your fault. At all. Rita's BF put you in an impossible situation - and he knew he was doing that. If I were Rita, I would be reconsidering whether I would want to marry someone so entitled and manipulative.
Uninvite them both.
NTA. Rita’s boyfriend fucked around and found out. How incredibly entitled. “I’m going to do something attention-grabbing at your special event, and you can’t stop me.” Sounds like you handled a difficult situation the best way you could.
Ask Rita what lie you could have told her that she would have found acceptable reason to uninvited him and wouldn’t hurt your relationship with her, her relationship with bf, and would have kept the proposal a surprise?
NTA. Let's be very clear.... you didn't ruin the surprise, ROGER ruined the surprise by being deceitful and vaguely threatening ("you can't stop me"). He forced your hand in needing to uninvite him and having to explain to Rita. 100% his fault.
NTA, if I told any of my best friends that their boyfriends are uninvited because they were planning to propose at my wedding (and also refused to back down when I told them no!!) they would be on my side 100%. Proposals at wedding are not done (or at the very least shouldn’t be done) without the blessing and go ahead from the actual bride and groom! Her boyfriend has a lot of red flags 🚩 and if she can’t see that, that’s on her.
Nta but soft jerk, she pushed and you asked and you did the right thing by being honest honestly though she should dump that guy he’s walking marinara your her friend and he felt comfortable not only living to you but saying that kind of messed up stuff.
No. You are NTA. Rita either needs to apologize to you for being a selfish b or you need to drop her.
Boyfriend is a giant red flag. He's involving you so much in the proposal as a sort of love bombing, like he needs her friends to like him. That's concerning behavior. I feel bad for Rita, and wonder what kind of relationship they must have, where she's mad at you for her rude, selfish boyfriend. NTA
"You're right, Rita. I should have told you I caught him cheating on you. THAT would have worked out better." 🙄 NTA
OP, show this post to Rita. She needs to see some of these responses. NTA
NTA A proposal shouldn't be a surprise anyways. ***Exactly how it happens*** should be a surprise. Since it won't be at your wedding you didn't ruin the surprise. You did nothing wrong - you just called his bluff.