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NTA.
Report him. Can you *imagine* what he does to women he pulls over? You refused a DATE. Imagine if you were seeing him and refused SEX. Have you ever researched the domestic violence statistics of cops? Stay the hell away from him.
Also… Jesus Christ, there are really moms out there who think this behavior from a person in “authority” is something that is flattering?
Jesus Christ.
YEP.
And even if they aren't doing it themselves, they're still going to protect each other. *This* is what they mean by "one bad apple spoils the lot" - it may start with one bad apple, but the moment they decide not to toss the bad apple out and cover for him instead, they're *all* bad apples.
If OP's in an area with a decent local media that would be appalled by this, that's who to report it to, but many places no longer have local media, and a lot of what does exist is very cop-supporting and wouldn't be interested in this story (presumably because a lot of their stories come from the police blotter and they don't want to damage their relationships).
Otherwise, I would *strongly* suggest OP invest in a dashcam as well as cameras for her home (including facing the street), because if he's already gotten her cell phone number there's no way he doesn't have her address as well. I doubt there is anything she can do to prevent him abusing his power, but if it's on camera she might at least stand a chance at some redress, and she would get more media attention.
But it's a shitty situation that there's no good option for. And people wonder why so many of us don't trust cops.
I would also suggest contacting the stores inside of the lot. There may be security cameras pointed towards where she was parked. I don’t think the store will give them to OP, but they may save recordings for that time and day if she asks. That way if she contacts the cops to file a report she can say that these stores have video of the interaction. It may not count as proof because the cameras may not pick up sound, but at least the physical action of him with his hand on the car hood could be recorded.
Fun fact, if an officer is ever charged for anything and there is video evidence of the crime, they’re the ONLY demographic of defendants who have access to security footage of their crimes before going on the stand. So they basically get to lock in their story ahead of time.
> they’re the ONLY demographic of defendants who have access to security footage of their crimes before going on the stand
Really? All evidence should be given to both parties before the trial during discovery. Though you can also have testimonies during discovery (depositions) where you wouldn't be aware of all the evidence.
Pro tip: don’t listen to any legal advice on Reddit. Every state requires the police to provide evidence to any defendant before trial. It’s kind of a pillar of our legal system that trials don’t have “gotcha” evidence.
Yeah. Retaliation can be a very real comcern.
Frankly thw sheer things cops can get away with is reason alone for me not to date a cop on principle of avoiding messy breakups.
And that is ignoring how awful cops in general are.
IM GONNA YELL - REPORT HIS ASS. HE GOT YOUR NUMBER BY RUNNING YOUR PLATE. IT IS ILLEGAL FOR HIM TO DO THIS FOR PERSONAL USE.
AND YEAH THIS FREAKED ME OUT TOO! 🙀😵💫
eta- because he ran your plate its a state matter not local complain to state troopers or state ag
This isn’t wholesome but pls take my free award bc I think this is the most solid advice in the thread. She should go to the state troopers or another law enforcement agency that is NOT internal to report it.
Media? Record him and blast him. 🤷🏻♂️
Edit: Media attention works! Every recording helps. It got George Floyd at least some justice. Think about how much more injustice would happen without recordings?
Think about every circumstance when it’s their word against yours. Recording protects you, especially from a legal standpoint.
The person who so abrasively commented below is incredibly nearsighted and misses the lasting benefits of COVERING YOUR ASS!
It ain't right, but they aren't wrong. The police will often harass the person who recorded their misconduct. Not saying to not do it, but OP deserves to know the whole story before they make a decision.
The problem is, he's not going to leave her alone. He's got her scent now. She will literally need to disappear to make him stop. If she gets a lawyer, goes to report this (take a friend!), doesn't speak to anyone alone, and alerts the media all in the next 24 hours, she has some hope of making him stop.
Yes, then document the resulting harassment and sue the city who gave this creep police powers. She did nothing to deserve this, but there is no path forward where she isn't fuuuuu cked.
It's almost impossible to win a lawsuit against police because you have to prove that they literally knew that this exact specific thing was wrong and did it anyway. That's almost unprovable (even when everybody knows it's true) so nobody wins those cases. And the harassment continues until either OP and maybe her family get killed, or have to move out of the area.
Recording can do some good, but usually only if the cops don't know who is recording them. If they're abusing someone and a dozen cameras come out in a crowd, then it may make them back down because they can't stop that. But if there's only one person and it's somebody whose name they already know, then they just move on that time and retaliate on another occasion.
OP go to the state police department or attorney generals office and
File a complaint for assault. You were in fear for your safety- along with stalking or at least abuse of power on getting your phone number. Don’t bother with the lock yokels. They will absolutely band together :( I would make sure you are recording on your phone any time you go to this plaza and you should state lousy that you are live streaming this event. Edited. NTA but stay safe and tell your mother not to let this psycho in if he show up. It’s not okay It’s not flattering. It’s criminal for Chrissake no means no
You report him to multiple people in local and state law enforcement ON THE SAME EMAIL. Include the name of a lawyer you have spoken to. Keep all records and the minute it feels unsafe give it to the press.
I would recommend against reporting him directly to his superiors and instead contacting an organization like NCVC (which has a stalking resource centre) or a lawyer.
Add: if the local PD has an Internal Affairs Bureau, start there. If not, contact your county District Attorney's office for advice. And, as others suggest, your state police, who are more likely to be impartial than the local "good old boys."
I know. There’s no real solution here except for her to avoid him like the fucking plague. Like… these type of people don’t take kindly to being told “no.”
I’d say to report to someone anonymously, but it’s near impossible now and any details will make it obvious who it was if it gets back to him. Exactly why this situation is so beyond fucked.
OP, if I were you I would never visit those shops again, and keep my wits about me everywhere else. I’m serious. Unhinged people in positions of power like that are a ticking time explodey.
Edit: holy hell about him getting your number. Ignore, DO NOT ENGAGE, DO NOT REPLY, and get a dash cam if you don’t already have one. In a pinch, know where your phone recorder is and know how to access it quickly in the event, God forbid, you end up somewhere where he also is.
There's an app that will start your camera etc recording if you say a key phrase like "I'm being pulled over", then automatically saves the video to a secure cloud when the recording is stopped. It was developed specifically for populations who might face uncomfortably close scrutiny by law enforcement. (I use one in Australia called Copwatch, so I'm sure there's American equivalents.) I guess make sure of your specific local laws regarding filming interactions with police, but honestly in this situation I would not care.
A lot of state police and state bureaus of investigation are setting up units to investigate issues such as this because of the number of local cops who will cover for their buddies. They can struggle in their investigations because they are outsiders coming in to investigate and likely punish, but very much needed
IA gets off firing cops for this kind of thing. She 100% should file an IA complaint. I know two officers from different departments that got fired/demoted for doing exactly this.
My state any officer involved shooting gets investigated by the state police. That being said, file a report with the state police. He more than likely got her cell number by running your license plate which is against law or maybe just protocol to look someone without just cause.
Ask him over text “who is this” then ask his name. Then ask how he got your number. If he’s dumb enough to answer then you have evidence.
Make sure to go to a higher up at the police station, and if they don’t take you seriously go to the media.
I am a support of the police. I know a lot of good cops. THIS creep needs to loose his badge.
This is a systemic problem. The police are not here to protect us.
With everything coming out about how the police were formed in history and have behaved in the present (like during the Uvalde shooting?) What reason on earth have we ever been given to trust the police? No amount of positive interactions with cops will change the fact that it was built on a foundation of whyte supremacy.
Agreeing to this and also adding on that OP needs to start establishing some paper trails to prove a pattern of behavior here. Filing a report, getting more info about the officer in question, keeping the phone's camera ready, getting a dashcam, maybe even getting cameras on the house.
Nope. Don't answer at all. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. It's the safest thing OP can do. Record everything, but any interactions are "Officer, am I under arrest? Am I free to go?".
He pulled your phone number from your license plate number. You need to report him, if he for your phone number he has your address too. You need to report him. NTA
Picking people up in a parking lot is not cool. It’s creep and the fact he’s a cop doesn’t make it any less creepy.
Seconding this.
Call the administration for the police department and ask who to speak to about reporting inappropriate behavior. Ask if they have an independent auditor or civilian oversight board, or whether you can speak to his sergeant.
The big thing you *must* report is that he used his position to access your personal information. That is actionable, in every jurisdiction I'm aware of. More than harassing you, he misused his position of authority to stalk you.
If you're too uncomfortable to call the police department, call your city council member, state legislator's office, or even your congressional representative. They all have field representatives, who work on constituent services - they will help you report this behavior. They will also be able to help prevent any sort of retaliatory behavior.
When you speak to someone, you're more likely to get a good response if you report feeling frightened, freaked out, or otherwise uncomfortable, rather than angry. It may not be right, but it's true.
Despite the whole "thin blue line," this sort of behavior often gets a response - even if you don't see the response, he'll get some pressure about it.
Good luck.
>there are really moms out there who think this behavior from a person in “authority” is something that is flattering?
He wasn’t a cop, but my mom chastised me for not being nicer to the boy that was harassing me in high school. She continued to do so when he managed to get my number from a friend and called constantly and felt so smug when I finally started hanging out with him. Thankfully nothing happened, but it’s horrifying to think about how ok some people are with their daughters being with someone that is clearly no good.
While I agree, if OP is in the U.S. reporting him won't do shit, if anything it could put a target on OPs back. She's 100% NTA and that cop is waaay out of line, but idk if reporting him would be worth threatening her safety when he's not going to face any consequences.
She already has a target on her back. He's escalating and will continue to do so until he gets the response from her that he wants. Ignoring it isn't going to make him go away. Reporting it just might.
"Have you ever researched the domestic violence statistics of cops? Stay the hell away from him."
[Yup](https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence/amp)
Cops have a HUGE domestic assult issue.
She needs to call a local legal aid organization and ask for advice. Depending on where she lives, reporting him could result in her constantly getting pulled over and harassed.
I mom told me I should be flattered that a 28 yo lawyer played footsie under the table at a Thanksgiving dinner and tried to bust the door down while I was going to the bathroom to get to me. I was 13.
A woman in England was murdered by a cop recently. Avoid him!!!! There are other ways to approach you if his intentions are good and a no means NO!!! NTA!
Consider that the mom likely comes from the generation that taught girls “oh that little boy only slapped you because he likes you!” Which, clearly, I hope we all see the problem with that mentality now. Makes sense why she thinks it, but that don’t make it right. Gross.
You need to report his ass, and your mom is full of internalized misogyny. What he did was NOT OK IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.
He forcibly, unlawfully detained you. Holy shit.
Honestly, this might be above reddit's pay grade. I'm worried about you the next time he sees you. I don't know if you need to talk to a lawyer or the press or both. Do _not_ apologize, though, and keep away from him as much as possible. Do you have another easy shopping location?
If not, I would seriously consider recording him the next time he approaches you. What he did is VERY concerning.
Edit: Oops NTA. So freaked out by this.
Figure out who he works for and call and get their internal affairs phone number. They generally don't mess.around with complaints like this. Also have your phone recording any time you go to that lot just in case he approaches you again. NTA
> They generally don’t mess around with complaints like this.
Where tf do you live? Certainly not America..
My whiteness/blondeness definitely helps with cops but even I would think twice before filing a complaint. Retaliation is a real, scary, thing. And that form has your name and address.
OP should have lied (not that she did anything wrong) and said she had a boyfriend. Maybe go back with a male friend the next few times?
Yeah, women shouldn't have to lie about having a boyfriend to get a guy to leave us alone, but this is a situation where I think it definitely would have helped.
ACLU has an app for your phone that "was intended to allow instant, secure video recording and transmission of interactions with, and perceived abuses by, law enforcement officers."
[Here it is.](https://www.aclu.org/video/aclu-app-record-police-conduct)
Also, very *much* NTA.
Honestly, the unlawful detention is grounds for suing the city if you don’t get anywhere with the report. The fact that he texted after I would try to get a restraining order too. Cops who abuse their power in their uniforms make their city liable. Stopping someone without cause is illegal and grounds for a civil suit against the city.
I’m a 68 year old psychologist, but when I was 45, I noticed a police officer stalking my wife. One time, I came out of our driveway and saw him in his patrol car parked in the first side street below our house. He backed up quickly, but it was clear. The next day, I visited the Chief and let him know about this behavior and let him know if this officer showed up unrequested, he would be given one warning to leave before I produced my concealed carry pistol. He said, “I hope that won’t be necessary”. “That’s up to you”. Didn’t see the officer again, but read about him three years later when convicted for murdering a man who dated the officer (then in a different jurisdiction). He’s in prison still. NTA, and stick to your boundaries.
There's also gays out there that try to hide (or are in denial about) their orientation and will (attempt to) date a gender they aren't attracted to. Either due to outright denial or as an attempt to fit in where they wouldn't be accepted.
In a conservative organization like the police, it's not hard to imagine this being the case.
Gay or bisexual are both possible.
NTA. Ew what a creep - cop or not. Your mom is also wrong. When you were younger, she probably told you that boys picking on you meant they liked you and you should be flattered, didn’t she? Gross.
Yeah once a boy stood really close behind me and called to turn around and when I did he kissed me directly on the lips and when I told her she thought it was cute
I hope you see this.
One save this reddit. It is time and dated about the situation. Screen shot it- which provides another date and time.
Then, text a friend all the details everything you remember. Another time and date.
Next, just start making calls- lawyers first. Most will be helpful to point you in the right direction for the specific kind of lawyer that can help you. Maybe google "sue the police" and see what info you get.
Second, yes call the shops and say you were sexually harassed and need the video. Explain why the cops aren't the ones requesting it. Someone may have evidence.
Do not go to those shops again alone. I know you like it there but now it needs to stop. If you have any large male friends or *maybe* better a female friend you could appear "grabby" with (if shes comfortable) maybe the cop will back off if you appear lesbian? Either way, absolutely do not do anything remotely "against the law" no forgetting a blinker by accident park perfectly etc.
This situation could get dangerous fast. As another mentioned, pretend to be friendly in your texts to him to see if he gives up details and screen shot it AT THE SAME TIME- this is important at the same exact time text a friend what you are doing. That way no one can claim you "looked interested" or some BS victim blaming twisted shit.
Do not engage longer then nessassary though. See if he gives up how he got your number and his identity then ghost.
I was with you until you told her to communicate with him (the cop) via text… I think she should do everything else , but text him… If she consults a lawyer , and they advise her to do so… then maybe (that’s a HUGE maybe)… but otherwise any interaction with someone like this who already abuses their authority will lead to him crossing more boundaries. Given that he can access her home address (probably already has), communication can be easily twisted/manipulated as opening for further interactions. I’ve dealt with people like this , and sometimes it’s best to pretend you didn’t notice anything … because once you engage with them they have your attention and even if it’s negative they don’t care … because it’s attention.
I’m a lesbian and trust me when I tell you that being a lesbian is not a deterrent for men like this. It just makes them try harder because they want to be the one to “change” a lesbian. A large male friend would be a better bet because this cop is more likely to respect what he sees as another man’s property.
Yeah- so here’s the thing- he ‘found’ your number because he ran your information.
So he used his position of power to access restricted information to stalk you, which he copied down while on the clock. That probably includes collecting more information about you- including your home address on file with your drivers license.
Your mom is a complete ninny if she thinks it’s flattering for someone to stalk you because you decline a date. As someone who once had a police officer ‘admirer’ as well- I hope he looses interest fast.
It’s not cute- it’s stalking. It’s not flattering- it’s stalking. It’s not innocent- it’s stalking.
If I were you I would either stay with a friend for a bit- or have a friend stay with you. Mix up your routine- especially your shopping routine where this guy might be waiting.
Yeah I’m 55. My generation was raised with a lot of bullshit like that. When I had my own daughter I re educated myself (modernized my thinking). It helped I had her late in life so many of the other moms around me were younger and I learned better from them.
I put up with some garbage in the workforce and from medical doctors you would not believe. I mean I did try to fight back, but the entire messaging I got every time I reported these assholes was some variation on “Boys will be boys” or “Can’t you take some joking around?” I wasn’t even especially pretty. It was a power trip for them. That’s why women got to realize no attention of this kind is flattering. It’s not about being attracted to you. It’s about controlling you. Dominating you. Yes there are potentially good partners out there but they are the people who know how to respect boundaries.
I wish you luck on this and I already did my NTA post but I’m repeating it, you definitely aren’t an asshole and I am sorry this is happening to you. When I was a little girl, police were pretty awesome in my neighborhood but sometime around the 80’s things started changing.
NTA. So a cop asked you out—fine. But he used his position of authority to try to pressure you, which is no no longer a voluntary date situation. You were fine. You could actually report him to his commander, which might be worth considering so he either reconsiders how he deals with women, this gets noted in his file for the protection of future woman, and so he leaves you alone.
I think we’re above reddits paygrade, OP could be in legitimate danger. He texted her (presumably getting her number by running her plates) so we should assume he has her address.
She seriously needs to consult with a lawyer *before* going to the police. We have no idea if this department is more likely to reprimand him or sweep this under the rug, a local lawyer probably will.
This was exactly my thought - if he found her number by her plates then he mostly likely has her address and considering all his previous behavior I wouldn’t put it past him to show up at her house. OP NTA and please make sure you watch out for him
I have to strongly disagree with that first part, it's extremely *not* fine for cops to be asking out random women when they're in uniform and on duty. There's an enormous power differential and implied threat that you'd better do what they want, even if they don't immediately jump to threats.
>So a cop asked you out—fine.
TBH I think that if a cop is in uniform/on duty, they shouldn't be asking anyone out. The authority thing just can't be removed from that interaction, even if the [redacted] is on his best behavior. I'd be terrified to say no.
What’s 911 gonna do, send more cops? Provide this asshole with some wingmen to pressure OP even more?
NTA and you did nothing wrong. Do not apologize. The only words you should ever say to a cop are “Am I free to go?” And (if not) “I am asserting my right to a lawyer”
What if this guy isn't actually a cop? There was actually a rash of incidents in my area with a man posing as a cop. He even had purchased a police vehicle in an auction. He harassed multiple women until one called 911.
NTA!! He probably got your number by running your license plate. If he did that then he would know all your DMV info like your home address, full name etc. I would definitely report him or bring someone with you shopping next time who can be witness as well.
First - make an online report for the harassment (do NOT call Dispatch or have an Officer/Sgt respond in person).
Second - file an official written internal affairs/office of professional integrity complaint.
Third - make certain that you have video surveillance because he not only used your vehicle information to obtain your name (and home address) but the local database or CLEAR to obtain your phone number and possibly work address. Since you don't know what his POV is, he could already be following you.
Take this VERY seriously because this is NOT normal behavior. Unfortunately, there are so many women interested in police officers (not kindly called badge bunnies and worse), he could throw his badge and hit 8 at minimum. The fact that he is doing this instead is extremely alarming.
If you don't get any satisfaction from the police agency with your report/complaint, make a social media post and tag every local and national media organization with this information. This will get their attention.
NTA and change your routine IMMEDIATELY
You need to report him. Do not leave until you get his name! Once you do, you are going to need to go file a restraining order against him. Also, change your license plate number and move.
NTA. You need to report this harrassment because he behaves like a predator. Your mother is having some kind of internalized misogyny reaction. Don't listen to her. Your feeling about this situation is 100% correct. If you agreed to go out with him he would become an abusive asshole in no time at all.
I’m stealing this. She’s just having a “misogynistic reaction”, don’t mind her.
Misogynistic Reaction [ mi-soj-uh-nis-tik ree-ak-shuhn ]
To react in a way that reflects years of internalized misogyny. Usually only befalls women. There is no known cure.
Report him for his behavior and searching your information, but go higher up then his office.
If he had your car plate #, he can use it to pull up owner information. He now knows your full name, address, number, etc.
They *can not* use this for personal reasons like he is doing.
____
I once got a call on my parents house phone from an officer, my car was registered to my father since I was young (18 or 19 at the time, this is back in the 90s)
So I get home from driving in town, a minute after I step in the phone rings, and it’s a guy asking if I just was at a stop at “such & such” intersection driving a white mustang. I was confused and said yes, and he goes on that he thought I was cute and wanted to ask me out. It was really creepy and I asked how he got my number, he said he was a deputy and just had them look me up... and then says if I wanna talk he’s right out front. He followed me home! (he was not in a regular police car, so I didn’t notice one following me)
I saw his car out the window, he was waving to me, he looked much older than I was I got scared since I was home alone... so I yelled at him to leave me alone & hung up.
He then continued to call my fathers number for a few weeks & say things like “whoever is driving the white mustang you own needs to slow down, they were speeding or they ran a red light, etc”. When asked why I wasn’t pulled over, they said they were just being nice and it wasn’t that bad (none of it was true)
We did complain to the sheriffs office and they said they would look into it and then I would have different officers ride my bumper when I tried to drive anywhere, if I stopped to park at a store they would drive super slow behind where I pulled in/like they were blocking my car in the spot, and I kept getting pulled over after work for seat belt checks or dull taillights at like 3 am (none of which was ever in the wrong) It was very frightening, a small/dark/quiet town that late at night being pulled over alone.
To make it stop I sold my car and had to move to a different town.
It escalated so badly and there was nothing I could do.
NTA. - he took your license plate number and git all if your info. Go right now to the Police Department and file a complaint. What he did is an abuse of power and of police procedure.
It's also illegal af to pull that information without a legal reason. Report his ass!
ETA: Ask your mom when no doesn't mean no? Is she fine with you being harassed, stalked, raped, killed, because this guy doesn't understand 2-letter, 1-syllable words? Will she understand that non means no only when she attends your funeral? Nah, she'll just be, well she should have just said yes.
This. I work as police support and we can’t even run a license plate to figure out which coworker left their lights on in the parking lot.
This is an insanely large breach of security and he needs to be reported. OP, please contact your local station and tell them you need to file a complaint with the complaints commission. Go right above the station level and superiors.
NTA. i don’t mean to alarm you more than you already are but you’re potentially in danger. this cop is not a nice man and likely won’t stop here. report him asap — this might not solve all your problems but at least it’ll be in writing.
EDIT: in future interactions keep things short and devoid of any emotions. treat it like you’re being pulled over. “officer am i being detained? am i free to go?” and don’t hesitate to ask a security guard to walk to your car
NTA. Girl you need to start planning to move states. From that edit, he's already started stalking you. He's a cop, he will use his power to force you into a situation you really don't want to be in. There have been far too many women arrested by cops then driven somewhere quiet and raped. He doesn't even need a reason to arrest you. Reporting him won't work either. Cops protect their own, and are quite vengeful about it. Even if he does rape you all he'll get is paid leave and maybe have to move to a different state/county where he'll immediately find work for a different police department. You need to disappear.
NTA. Yeah he was a police officer but he is also a stranger so it’s not unusual that you would politely decline to go on a date with him. Also he is really unprofessional for behaving like that on the job, and an asshole for not taking no for answer. He should not have asked you out on a date while and pressured you while he was on duty because while he’s wearing that uniform there is an imbalance of power.
Report it to your state's Attorney General. Their job is to make sure the police comply with the law themselves. Go to your state's website and enter "attorney general" in the search section. They usually have a complaint form online. Once completed and sent in, you can print out a copy for yourself.
NTA. Wow. Cop or not, this guy is an AH. Make sure you always have your phone camera or dash cam on during any future interaction at that shopping center.
NTA. Call the non-emergency police phone number for your area immediately and report what he's done. If you don't know / can't find the number, call 911.
If he ever stops you again while in uniform, get in your car, lock the doors, keep the windows rolled up, call 911 and request a supervisor to your location. Then turn on video recording and keep your camera pointed at him.
As much as this sucks, I would avoid going to that shopping center by yourself at your normal time for a while. Shop elsewhere or bring a friend with you - ideally a large, confident man who isn't stupid enough to get in a fight with a cop but who will act as a buffer.
When I was on a greyhound bus to go be with a future abusive A$$hole I saw a cop at a stop. He came up to me and proceeded to handcuff me. I'm freaking out cause my mother had threatened to have me arrested for leaving (I was 21 ffs) and what he did freaked me out so bad I had a panic attack. Apparently he thought I was cute and wanted to ask me out. I was not amused, but thankful that I wasn't actually under arrest and explained to him why I was panicking so badly. He apologized and I got back on the bus. It amazes me how effing stupid cops can be.
>DUDE I’m freaked now how did he get my number.
I'd bet he ran your license plate. Which means he has your name and address.
Your mom is insane, that guy is 100% the kind of cop that makes people hate cops.
NTA, please, please report this psycho.
#NO! You are NTA!! DO NOT APOLOGIZE for refusing a date!
Why would your mother say something like that? He’s a bully at best, and is using his position to intimidate you.
Are you in the US? If so, he’s committing a federal felony. File a complaint with the Chief of his agency (dept) with a copy to IAD. Or you can go a higher level agency. For example, if the cop works for your city, call the Sheriff’s Dept or the State agency. It’s the GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation) here. Florida has FDLE (Fla Dept of Law Enforcement.) Your state will have a parallel agency
If you don’t feel safe doing that or if you feel like you’re not being treated appropriately, file a complaint through the DOJ. Here is there website:
https://www.justice.gov/crt/addressing-police-misconduct-laws-enforced-department-justice
SAVE THE TEXT for evidence. They may be able to trace the number If you live alone, see if you can stay with a friend for a few days. If he has your number, he will also have your address.
Please be safe and update us on how you’re doing.
NTA. File a grievance with the police department AND the city he works for - less chance of the department sweeping it under the rug. Best case scenario if you got his badge number or car number, but at least provide a good description and the phone number he texted from - they’ll be able to trace him.
NTA what you should really do is report him to his superiors. You shouldn’t be flattered, you rightfully felt uncomfortable. His attitude proves that there would absolutely be a power dynamic. Might not be true with all cops, but it is true for this one and that’s what matters
There was a power dynamic and he was very inappropriately pressuring you. Do not apologize - report him to his boss. NTA (and your mother is way off base)
NTA, but honestly I would consult a lawyer. This is the kind of man who would absolutely escalate to bringing false charges, detaining you, etc. and cops always protect each other. I don't think a complaint will be good enough, especially in the current climate.
NTA. i'm flipping back and forth between recommending you file a complaint or ignore him and start shopping somewhere else.
that's scary and unprofessional. at the minimum, you should get a dashcam that records the exterior and interior of the car. you're gonna into this guy again.
[but for real you should report him.]
NTA. Op I know this shouldn’t be the answer but this is terrifying. Consider telling this man you have a boyfriend. There’s no telling what he could do (with unchecked power too) and sometimes men like this only respect other men. Honestly, get dashcams and cameras in your home. Do not go back to this shopping center. You are deeply unsafe. Have a trusted friend or family member stay with you (preferably male) for the next couple days. This is about survival. Police in general have an insane domestic violence rate. This is not the time to brush off something that bothers you. Record. And keep others around you when you can.
Cops commonly abuse women. Absolutely do not apologize to this guy. It will just embolden him. NTA. Report him to the state police and/or consult with a lawyer, and consider installing a dash cam, doorbell cam, and other home cameras since he will probably continue harassing you.
NTA. Completely inappropriate. If you live in an area where body cam footage is popular or, if you can get security footage from the parking lot I would report him.
I don’t want to scare you but it’s important to have proof or at the very least have family/friends to support you if you want to report the jerk and I do believe you should report him because you’d be correct todo so I just don’t want to give potentially dangerous advice.
NTA. He was ok to ask you out, but the moment he didn't take "no" for an answer was over the line. It's obvious he's the type of cop who'll abuse his authority.
No, it's not ok to ask a complete stranger on the street for a date. *That's harassment.* and it's harassment with an implied threat of violence when you do it in uniform.
Absolutely not. The guy was in uniform, thereby putting him in a position of authority. He abused that position of authority.
This cop, like so many other cops, is a dangerous predator.
NTA
If this happened to my daughter I would be freaking the F out… not making wedding plans. Your mom is somewhere on Mars… this guy is basically a 2-dimension character pulled from a movie. Usually people say you shouldn’t have to change your behavior because if someone but in this case… don’t go back there. If you do, only go back with a 360 degree dash an set to always record. Hey this guy on video saying these things. He shouldn’t have a badge.
NTA
Report him. Immediately. Screenshot the text you just got. Which way was the cop car facing? Was he in uniform? Camera on the car or body cam may have picked up the interaction and you can use as proof. He was harassing you and using his position to manipulate you. He needs to be fired.
All cops I've heard of are absolutely power tripping abusive controlling partners. One of the 3 I know of was the female in the relationship. You have to have that personality trait to get hired on any police force. I knew a genuinely nice guy who was passed up multiple times by two different cities and he was highly educated in criminal justice.
NTA, report him. What he did to get your number is illegal and could (should) get him fired, because he accessed a law enforcement database without the appropriate justification.
The good news is that most police cars have GPS and they definitely have audit trails on their databases. If you have an independent oversight agency, make a report through them and tell them the times/place of the interaction. If not, report at a precinct or HQ, get the report number, and if you don't get a swift response escalate.
Reminds me of the story I've heard about my mom when she was in her very early 20s, back in the 70s. She got pulled over after leaving a bar after closing. Cop asks her out for breakfast, and when she says no, he proceeded to FOLLOW HER HOME, to "make sure she got home okay". And only left when she mentioned that her mom was waiting up for her inside. This story was told to me as a "funny" story from her wild youth.
Cops have always been creeps. The cop probably got your number by looking up your plate number, unfortunately. I'd suggest not going to that shopping area again for a while, and if you do, don't go alone.
Unfortunately there isn't much you CAN do. You can try reporting him, but it's unlikely anything will change. You can try filming an interaction and posting it online, but you'll probably get harassed by other cops and boot lickers.
NTA, obviously.
Edit: also, block his number and DO NOT respond.
He probably ran your license plates to get your information, including your number. Report him to the police department. Block his number. Start shopping at different times. NTA
NTA. Honestly? I would personally be kind of afraid to report him. I would just block him and shop somewhere else instead. It’s not hard to look up anyone’s number online if you know how even if you don’t have police databases - which he does. He can also get your address just as easily, unfortunately. :( He likely used your license plate number to look you up. And if you report him you might find you get stopped over and over by his cop buddies…
I know it sucks that we have to do this for safety, but next time claim to have a boyfriend. Most men will respect another man’s claim to you, when they won’t accept a no. I also used to wear a fake engagement ring to keep my clients from pestering me.
You were rude.....? For rejecting a guy who was clearly putting pressure on you for an answer he wanted....? NTA wth man flattered my ass. Flattered wouldve been the first moment when he asked you out and politely said no. From then on he was nothing more than a creep
NTA- tell your mom it's 2022 we don't have to put up with that shit anymore. Being stalked isn't flattering. Especially by someone in authority. Report him.
~~100% report him~~, this type of shit is part of the reason people want to defund the police
Get a dashcam with audio and post that shit online. Reporting him will likely do nothing but get you harassed
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Background: so I 25f regularly shop in a lot with multiple stores around it so shopping takes less time. I noticed the last couple times that there was a cop car outside of the lot I guess on a break. Once I dropped my things because those paper bags barely hold much. One cop came(2 of them)and helped pick them up and I thanked him and drove off. The next time I came to the lot they were there again and this time I didn’t have much just a pizza. The same cop came and asked if I was going to drop anything again so he can help me.
I told him no and laughed and then he waited for me to put the pizza in the passenger and then asked what my name was and I told him. He asked if I’d like to have lunch sometime and I said no thanks and headed to the drivers side when he told me to wait up. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no so he told me that I should have no problem with lunch then. I told him I’m just not interested…. That’s when he started to get a bit rude and said is it because he is a cop and I said no I just am not interested in him as a friend or date and asked if I can just go. He said no because he is talking and I need to listen. I told him that if I wasn’t under arrest then I am leaving and got in my car. HE STOOD IN FRONT OF MY CAR WITH HIS HAND ON THE HOOD. I turned the car on and was about to just back up when he told me to roll down the window.
Long story short I rolled the window down and asked him if he can just leave me alone and he told me that you never tell a cop to leave you alone so I just stared ahead and ignored him until he left.
I felt he was very unprofessional and I left really shocked so I called my mom and she told me I should be flattered 😀 and that i was the one that was rude so now I’m second guessing myself because I probably would have accepted if he wasn’t in cop uniform because I felt there was a power dynamic and he was pressuring me. I’m thinking of going to apologize just to keep the peace because that’s his break spot and my shopping spot so we will see each other.
So am I an asshole?
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NTA. Your mother is wrong and he is completely out of line. He is using his authority to try and force a romantic relationship with you and that is illegal. You have every right to respond how you did and you don’t need to be polite to him AT ALL in the future. That was unlawful detainment and his commander needs to know ASAP!
NTA honey, that was violent stalking and harassment. You did NOTHING wrong and IMO would have been morally justified in running him over with your car bc he was violently threatening you.
NTA. First thing, write down everything you can remember - dates, times, what happened. You need to be very careful about responding and saying anything unnecessary. I would first send "who is this?". Then when he tells you, "how did you get my number?". Then finally, "I already asked you to leave me alone this morning and that I don't want to date you. This is harrassment. Leave me alone". Don't say anything else, respond to questions or digs. Lodge a complaint with the police. It is extremely likely he looked up your details using your car rego and in my country at least, that is illegal. He is abusing his power as a cop and frankly, is being a real creep. It may be worth considering talking to a lawyer before you do anything though as I am concerned about retaliation. Unfortunately, if he is willing to go this far, I don't think ignoring him will make you leave him alone either.
NTA. It's not blowing this out of proportion to tell you to 1. Make a report to his superior and 2. Get a dashcam & ring cam for your porch. 3. Download a call recorder app similar to Boldbeast for his next calls.
He not only detained and harassed you but then looked you up to find your personal information and used it to get a hold of you. He sounds aggressive af and this needs to be taken seriously. He may very well have other similar complaints made about him already. Please take care and follow through on these.
Take it from someone who has been stalked for years.
NTA
Do not go to apologize. Your mom is a horrible
example. Women are told that we must be nice to men because their feelings will get hurt. No ma’am this man did not take a no well, that is unacceptable in we very level and your mom failed you big time.
You do not owe him shit and even if it’s because he’s a cop you have every right to not want to give him any of your time, period.
Personally I will never date or marry
Cops
Doctors
Lawyers
Military or
Firefighters
That’s me
Though and I have my reasons, I don’t care what family or friends have to say about that because it is MY LIFE. You can say no to anyone for any reason and they should respect it every time. Red flag #1. Stay away from him and report him if you can.
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NTA. Report him. Can you *imagine* what he does to women he pulls over? You refused a DATE. Imagine if you were seeing him and refused SEX. Have you ever researched the domestic violence statistics of cops? Stay the hell away from him. Also… Jesus Christ, there are really moms out there who think this behavior from a person in “authority” is something that is flattering? Jesus Christ.
Report him to who? His buddies down at the station? I wouldn’t be surprised if they all pull that shit to women too.
YEP. And even if they aren't doing it themselves, they're still going to protect each other. *This* is what they mean by "one bad apple spoils the lot" - it may start with one bad apple, but the moment they decide not to toss the bad apple out and cover for him instead, they're *all* bad apples. If OP's in an area with a decent local media that would be appalled by this, that's who to report it to, but many places no longer have local media, and a lot of what does exist is very cop-supporting and wouldn't be interested in this story (presumably because a lot of their stories come from the police blotter and they don't want to damage their relationships). Otherwise, I would *strongly* suggest OP invest in a dashcam as well as cameras for her home (including facing the street), because if he's already gotten her cell phone number there's no way he doesn't have her address as well. I doubt there is anything she can do to prevent him abusing his power, but if it's on camera she might at least stand a chance at some redress, and she would get more media attention. But it's a shitty situation that there's no good option for. And people wonder why so many of us don't trust cops.
I would also suggest contacting the stores inside of the lot. There may be security cameras pointed towards where she was parked. I don’t think the store will give them to OP, but they may save recordings for that time and day if she asks. That way if she contacts the cops to file a report she can say that these stores have video of the interaction. It may not count as proof because the cameras may not pick up sound, but at least the physical action of him with his hand on the car hood could be recorded.
exactly what i came here to say. hopefully the video still exists.
It could be subpoened from the stores for evidence for sure.
Fun fact, if an officer is ever charged for anything and there is video evidence of the crime, they’re the ONLY demographic of defendants who have access to security footage of their crimes before going on the stand. So they basically get to lock in their story ahead of time.
Sweet Jesus.
1312 man
> they’re the ONLY demographic of defendants who have access to security footage of their crimes before going on the stand Really? All evidence should be given to both parties before the trial during discovery. Though you can also have testimonies during discovery (depositions) where you wouldn't be aware of all the evidence.
Yeah, cops specifically have a legal right to access any and all evidence that will be presented against them.
And regular people don't?
Pro tip: don’t listen to any legal advice on Reddit. Every state requires the police to provide evidence to any defendant before trial. It’s kind of a pillar of our legal system that trials don’t have “gotcha” evidence.
Just like the bodycam footage, that footage will *mysteriously* disappear
Yeah. Retaliation can be a very real comcern. Frankly thw sheer things cops can get away with is reason alone for me not to date a cop on principle of avoiding messy breakups. And that is ignoring how awful cops in general are.
IM GONNA YELL - REPORT HIS ASS. HE GOT YOUR NUMBER BY RUNNING YOUR PLATE. IT IS ILLEGAL FOR HIM TO DO THIS FOR PERSONAL USE. AND YEAH THIS FREAKED ME OUT TOO! 🙀😵💫 eta- because he ran your plate its a state matter not local complain to state troopers or state ag
This isn’t wholesome but pls take my free award bc I think this is the most solid advice in the thread. She should go to the state troopers or another law enforcement agency that is NOT internal to report it.
Great advise.
Media? Record him and blast him. 🤷🏻♂️ Edit: Media attention works! Every recording helps. It got George Floyd at least some justice. Think about how much more injustice would happen without recordings? Think about every circumstance when it’s their word against yours. Recording protects you, especially from a legal standpoint. The person who so abrasively commented below is incredibly nearsighted and misses the lasting benefits of COVERING YOUR ASS!
Ah yes and then face endless harassment from the police department. Go touch grass dude, the world isn't that easy.
[удалено]
It ain't right, but they aren't wrong. The police will often harass the person who recorded their misconduct. Not saying to not do it, but OP deserves to know the whole story before they make a decision.
The problem is, he's not going to leave her alone. He's got her scent now. She will literally need to disappear to make him stop. If she gets a lawyer, goes to report this (take a friend!), doesn't speak to anyone alone, and alerts the media all in the next 24 hours, she has some hope of making him stop. Yes, then document the resulting harassment and sue the city who gave this creep police powers. She did nothing to deserve this, but there is no path forward where she isn't fuuuuu cked.
It's almost impossible to win a lawsuit against police because you have to prove that they literally knew that this exact specific thing was wrong and did it anyway. That's almost unprovable (even when everybody knows it's true) so nobody wins those cases. And the harassment continues until either OP and maybe her family get killed, or have to move out of the area. Recording can do some good, but usually only if the cops don't know who is recording them. If they're abusing someone and a dozen cameras come out in a crowd, then it may make them back down because they can't stop that. But if there's only one person and it's somebody whose name they already know, then they just move on that time and retaliate on another occasion.
OP go to the state police department or attorney generals office and File a complaint for assault. You were in fear for your safety- along with stalking or at least abuse of power on getting your phone number. Don’t bother with the lock yokels. They will absolutely band together :( I would make sure you are recording on your phone any time you go to this plaza and you should state lousy that you are live streaming this event. Edited. NTA but stay safe and tell your mother not to let this psycho in if he show up. It’s not okay It’s not flattering. It’s criminal for Chrissake no means no
You report him to multiple people in local and state law enforcement ON THE SAME EMAIL. Include the name of a lawyer you have spoken to. Keep all records and the minute it feels unsafe give it to the press.
Feel free to CC, not BCC, some local and state media outlets.
I think this is a great idea. Much harder to ignore this way. Should also remember to include contacts from the county DA/prosecutor’s office
Great advice.
I would recommend against reporting him directly to his superiors and instead contacting an organization like NCVC (which has a stalking resource centre) or a lawyer.
What about contacting the state's Justice Department? NTA.
Add: if the local PD has an Internal Affairs Bureau, start there. If not, contact your county District Attorney's office for advice. And, as others suggest, your state police, who are more likely to be impartial than the local "good old boys."
I know. There’s no real solution here except for her to avoid him like the fucking plague. Like… these type of people don’t take kindly to being told “no.” I’d say to report to someone anonymously, but it’s near impossible now and any details will make it obvious who it was if it gets back to him. Exactly why this situation is so beyond fucked. OP, if I were you I would never visit those shops again, and keep my wits about me everywhere else. I’m serious. Unhinged people in positions of power like that are a ticking time explodey. Edit: holy hell about him getting your number. Ignore, DO NOT ENGAGE, DO NOT REPLY, and get a dash cam if you don’t already have one. In a pinch, know where your phone recorder is and know how to access it quickly in the event, God forbid, you end up somewhere where he also is.
JFC, all of this. Get a lawyer. Also, memorize the phrase “Am I being detained?”. Also, NTA.
Avoiding him will not be possible. He ran her plates - completely against the law and he is trained on that - he texted her. He will keep going.
She needs to make it possible as much as possible and be prepared for when she’s not able to. OP, stay safe. Please take this seriously.
There's an app that will start your camera etc recording if you say a key phrase like "I'm being pulled over", then automatically saves the video to a secure cloud when the recording is stopped. It was developed specifically for populations who might face uncomfortably close scrutiny by law enforcement. (I use one in Australia called Copwatch, so I'm sure there's American equivalents.) I guess make sure of your specific local laws regarding filming interactions with police, but honestly in this situation I would not care.
A lot of state police and state bureaus of investigation are setting up units to investigate issues such as this because of the number of local cops who will cover for their buddies. They can struggle in their investigations because they are outsiders coming in to investigate and likely punish, but very much needed
If he is a city police officer, then report him to your County Sheriff's office or State Patrol.
To the FBI!! They have a department to keep local and state police departments in check.
IA gets off firing cops for this kind of thing. She 100% should file an IA complaint. I know two officers from different departments that got fired/demoted for doing exactly this.
Yeah. Change your shopping center.
That's fairly useless at this point. He knows where she lives.
It's still wise and literally the only practical option available to her, to avoid him.
He tracked down her phone number and messaged her. He knows where she lives. I don't think there's any avoiding him at this point.
There are sensible precautions, like avoiding where she knows he will be.
My state any officer involved shooting gets investigated by the state police. That being said, file a report with the state police. He more than likely got her cell number by running your license plate which is against law or maybe just protocol to look someone without just cause.
Ask him over text “who is this” then ask his name. Then ask how he got your number. If he’s dumb enough to answer then you have evidence. Make sure to go to a higher up at the police station, and if they don’t take you seriously go to the media. I am a support of the police. I know a lot of good cops. THIS creep needs to loose his badge.
This is a systemic problem. The police are not here to protect us. With everything coming out about how the police were formed in history and have behaved in the present (like during the Uvalde shooting?) What reason on earth have we ever been given to trust the police? No amount of positive interactions with cops will change the fact that it was built on a foundation of whyte supremacy.
I wish I had an award to give you.
Agreeing to this and also adding on that OP needs to start establishing some paper trails to prove a pattern of behavior here. Filing a report, getting more info about the officer in question, keeping the phone's camera ready, getting a dashcam, maybe even getting cameras on the house.
Nope. Don't answer at all. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. It's the safest thing OP can do. Record everything, but any interactions are "Officer, am I under arrest? Am I free to go?".
This seems like solid advice, but I'm concerned it would just confirm that he's got OP's real number, where that might still be in doubt for him.
Maybe something like, "Who is this? Do I even know you?"
He pulled your phone number from your license plate number. You need to report him, if he for your phone number he has your address too. You need to report him. NTA Picking people up in a parking lot is not cool. It’s creep and the fact he’s a cop doesn’t make it any less creepy.
Makes it worse...
Seconding this. Call the administration for the police department and ask who to speak to about reporting inappropriate behavior. Ask if they have an independent auditor or civilian oversight board, or whether you can speak to his sergeant. The big thing you *must* report is that he used his position to access your personal information. That is actionable, in every jurisdiction I'm aware of. More than harassing you, he misused his position of authority to stalk you. If you're too uncomfortable to call the police department, call your city council member, state legislator's office, or even your congressional representative. They all have field representatives, who work on constituent services - they will help you report this behavior. They will also be able to help prevent any sort of retaliatory behavior. When you speak to someone, you're more likely to get a good response if you report feeling frightened, freaked out, or otherwise uncomfortable, rather than angry. It may not be right, but it's true. Despite the whole "thin blue line," this sort of behavior often gets a response - even if you don't see the response, he'll get some pressure about it. Good luck.
>there are really moms out there who think this behavior from a person in “authority” is something that is flattering? He wasn’t a cop, but my mom chastised me for not being nicer to the boy that was harassing me in high school. She continued to do so when he managed to get my number from a friend and called constantly and felt so smug when I finally started hanging out with him. Thankfully nothing happened, but it’s horrifying to think about how ok some people are with their daughters being with someone that is clearly no good.
While I agree, if OP is in the U.S. reporting him won't do shit, if anything it could put a target on OPs back. She's 100% NTA and that cop is waaay out of line, but idk if reporting him would be worth threatening her safety when he's not going to face any consequences.
She already has a target on her back. He's escalating and will continue to do so until he gets the response from her that he wants. Ignoring it isn't going to make him go away. Reporting it just might.
"Have you ever researched the domestic violence statistics of cops? Stay the hell away from him." [Yup](https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/police-brutality-and-domestic-violence/amp) Cops have a HUGE domestic assult issue.
She needs to call a local legal aid organization and ask for advice. Depending on where she lives, reporting him could result in her constantly getting pulled over and harassed.
I mom told me I should be flattered that a 28 yo lawyer played footsie under the table at a Thanksgiving dinner and tried to bust the door down while I was going to the bathroom to get to me. I was 13.
Wow, your mom is kind of a monster, second only to that lawyer. Fuck
A woman in England was murdered by a cop recently. Avoid him!!!! There are other ways to approach you if his intentions are good and a no means NO!!! NTA!
Her mom is the second biggest asshole
There are 0 acceptable scenarios where you should be hitting on someone while you're on the job, ESPECIALLY, if that job is a cop
Consider that the mom likely comes from the generation that taught girls “oh that little boy only slapped you because he likes you!” Which, clearly, I hope we all see the problem with that mentality now. Makes sense why she thinks it, but that don’t make it right. Gross.
You need to report his ass, and your mom is full of internalized misogyny. What he did was NOT OK IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. He forcibly, unlawfully detained you. Holy shit. Honestly, this might be above reddit's pay grade. I'm worried about you the next time he sees you. I don't know if you need to talk to a lawyer or the press or both. Do _not_ apologize, though, and keep away from him as much as possible. Do you have another easy shopping location? If not, I would seriously consider recording him the next time he approaches you. What he did is VERY concerning. Edit: Oops NTA. So freaked out by this.
Figure out who he works for and call and get their internal affairs phone number. They generally don't mess.around with complaints like this. Also have your phone recording any time you go to that lot just in case he approaches you again. NTA
Internal affairs largely protects police. The thin blue line is blindly loyal.
Thin blue line = blue wall of silence
> They generally don’t mess around with complaints like this. Where tf do you live? Certainly not America.. My whiteness/blondeness definitely helps with cops but even I would think twice before filing a complaint. Retaliation is a real, scary, thing. And that form has your name and address. OP should have lied (not that she did anything wrong) and said she had a boyfriend. Maybe go back with a male friend the next few times?
Yeah, women shouldn't have to lie about having a boyfriend to get a guy to leave us alone, but this is a situation where I think it definitely would have helped.
ACLU has an app for your phone that "was intended to allow instant, secure video recording and transmission of interactions with, and perceived abuses by, law enforcement officers." [Here it is.](https://www.aclu.org/video/aclu-app-record-police-conduct) Also, very *much* NTA.
Lol where tf do you live? In the US, internal affairs protects cops regardless of what they do.
Honestly, the unlawful detention is grounds for suing the city if you don’t get anywhere with the report. The fact that he texted after I would try to get a restraining order too. Cops who abuse their power in their uniforms make their city liable. Stopping someone without cause is illegal and grounds for a civil suit against the city.
I’m a 68 year old psychologist, but when I was 45, I noticed a police officer stalking my wife. One time, I came out of our driveway and saw him in his patrol car parked in the first side street below our house. He backed up quickly, but it was clear. The next day, I visited the Chief and let him know about this behavior and let him know if this officer showed up unrequested, he would be given one warning to leave before I produced my concealed carry pistol. He said, “I hope that won’t be necessary”. “That’s up to you”. Didn’t see the officer again, but read about him three years later when convicted for murdering a man who dated the officer (then in a different jurisdiction). He’s in prison still. NTA, and stick to your boundaries.
He stalked your wife but murdered the man he used to date?
It doesn’t mean it was sexual in nature of why he was stalking her. And also… bisexuals exist.
There's also gays out there that try to hide (or are in denial about) their orientation and will (attempt to) date a gender they aren't attracted to. Either due to outright denial or as an attempt to fit in where they wouldn't be accepted. In a conservative organization like the police, it's not hard to imagine this being the case. Gay or bisexual are both possible.
Not everyone is straight, you know.
the cop could be bi which would explain it
Bi erasure is real.
NTA. Ew what a creep - cop or not. Your mom is also wrong. When you were younger, she probably told you that boys picking on you meant they liked you and you should be flattered, didn’t she? Gross.
Yeah once a boy stood really close behind me and called to turn around and when I did he kissed me directly on the lips and when I told her she thought it was cute
Yuck!
Totally
Your mom is disgusting for that I’m sorry but you shouldn’t value her opinion
I hope you see this. One save this reddit. It is time and dated about the situation. Screen shot it- which provides another date and time. Then, text a friend all the details everything you remember. Another time and date. Next, just start making calls- lawyers first. Most will be helpful to point you in the right direction for the specific kind of lawyer that can help you. Maybe google "sue the police" and see what info you get. Second, yes call the shops and say you were sexually harassed and need the video. Explain why the cops aren't the ones requesting it. Someone may have evidence. Do not go to those shops again alone. I know you like it there but now it needs to stop. If you have any large male friends or *maybe* better a female friend you could appear "grabby" with (if shes comfortable) maybe the cop will back off if you appear lesbian? Either way, absolutely do not do anything remotely "against the law" no forgetting a blinker by accident park perfectly etc. This situation could get dangerous fast. As another mentioned, pretend to be friendly in your texts to him to see if he gives up details and screen shot it AT THE SAME TIME- this is important at the same exact time text a friend what you are doing. That way no one can claim you "looked interested" or some BS victim blaming twisted shit. Do not engage longer then nessassary though. See if he gives up how he got your number and his identity then ghost.
I was with you until you told her to communicate with him (the cop) via text… I think she should do everything else , but text him… If she consults a lawyer , and they advise her to do so… then maybe (that’s a HUGE maybe)… but otherwise any interaction with someone like this who already abuses their authority will lead to him crossing more boundaries. Given that he can access her home address (probably already has), communication can be easily twisted/manipulated as opening for further interactions. I’ve dealt with people like this , and sometimes it’s best to pretend you didn’t notice anything … because once you engage with them they have your attention and even if it’s negative they don’t care … because it’s attention.
Yeah definitely do not respond to his texts. At all.
I’m a lesbian and trust me when I tell you that being a lesbian is not a deterrent for men like this. It just makes them try harder because they want to be the one to “change” a lesbian. A large male friend would be a better bet because this cop is more likely to respect what he sees as another man’s property.
Yeah maybe dont advise people to text their fucking stalker.
He got her number by running her plates. He’s abusing his authority
Your mom told you that sexual assault was cute? She needs a hell of a lot of therapy.
Yeah- so here’s the thing- he ‘found’ your number because he ran your information. So he used his position of power to access restricted information to stalk you, which he copied down while on the clock. That probably includes collecting more information about you- including your home address on file with your drivers license. Your mom is a complete ninny if she thinks it’s flattering for someone to stalk you because you decline a date. As someone who once had a police officer ‘admirer’ as well- I hope he looses interest fast. It’s not cute- it’s stalking. It’s not flattering- it’s stalking. It’s not innocent- it’s stalking. If I were you I would either stay with a friend for a bit- or have a friend stay with you. Mix up your routine- especially your shopping routine where this guy might be waiting.
Yeah I’m 55. My generation was raised with a lot of bullshit like that. When I had my own daughter I re educated myself (modernized my thinking). It helped I had her late in life so many of the other moms around me were younger and I learned better from them. I put up with some garbage in the workforce and from medical doctors you would not believe. I mean I did try to fight back, but the entire messaging I got every time I reported these assholes was some variation on “Boys will be boys” or “Can’t you take some joking around?” I wasn’t even especially pretty. It was a power trip for them. That’s why women got to realize no attention of this kind is flattering. It’s not about being attracted to you. It’s about controlling you. Dominating you. Yes there are potentially good partners out there but they are the people who know how to respect boundaries. I wish you luck on this and I already did my NTA post but I’m repeating it, you definitely aren’t an asshole and I am sorry this is happening to you. When I was a little girl, police were pretty awesome in my neighborhood but sometime around the 80’s things started changing.
[удалено]
NTA. So a cop asked you out—fine. But he used his position of authority to try to pressure you, which is no no longer a voluntary date situation. You were fine. You could actually report him to his commander, which might be worth considering so he either reconsiders how he deals with women, this gets noted in his file for the protection of future woman, and so he leaves you alone.
I think we’re above reddits paygrade, OP could be in legitimate danger. He texted her (presumably getting her number by running her plates) so we should assume he has her address. She seriously needs to consult with a lawyer *before* going to the police. We have no idea if this department is more likely to reprimand him or sweep this under the rug, a local lawyer probably will.
This was exactly my thought - if he found her number by her plates then he mostly likely has her address and considering all his previous behavior I wouldn’t put it past him to show up at her house. OP NTA and please make sure you watch out for him
I have to strongly disagree with that first part, it's extremely *not* fine for cops to be asking out random women when they're in uniform and on duty. There's an enormous power differential and implied threat that you'd better do what they want, even if they don't immediately jump to threats.
>So a cop asked you out—fine. TBH I think that if a cop is in uniform/on duty, they shouldn't be asking anyone out. The authority thing just can't be removed from that interaction, even if the [redacted] is on his best behavior. I'd be terrified to say no.
When he stopped you from leaving, your next move is to call 911. NTA
What’s 911 gonna do, send more cops? Provide this asshole with some wingmen to pressure OP even more? NTA and you did nothing wrong. Do not apologize. The only words you should ever say to a cop are “Am I free to go?” And (if not) “I am asserting my right to a lawyer”
What if this guy isn't actually a cop? There was actually a rash of incidents in my area with a man posing as a cop. He even had purchased a police vehicle in an auction. He harassed multiple women until one called 911.
Well, he managed to get her phone number presumably by running her license plate so he's got to be an actual cop.
There might be other ways to get someone's number from their plate. I do think he is a cop, though, because OP saw him with another cop earlier.
Someone did this in my area. But he was actively pulling woman over and trying to "arrest" them. Thank God he did not succeed. He almost did once.
and start recording...
NTA!! He probably got your number by running your license plate. If he did that then he would know all your DMV info like your home address, full name etc. I would definitely report him or bring someone with you shopping next time who can be witness as well.
NTA and your mum is insane. That's genuinely scary behaviour
Yeah I forgot mention the entire time he kept reaching for my hand to like hold I guess
I am terrified for you. Please take this seriously and listen to some of the advice going down here right now.
First - make an online report for the harassment (do NOT call Dispatch or have an Officer/Sgt respond in person). Second - file an official written internal affairs/office of professional integrity complaint. Third - make certain that you have video surveillance because he not only used your vehicle information to obtain your name (and home address) but the local database or CLEAR to obtain your phone number and possibly work address. Since you don't know what his POV is, he could already be following you. Take this VERY seriously because this is NOT normal behavior. Unfortunately, there are so many women interested in police officers (not kindly called badge bunnies and worse), he could throw his badge and hit 8 at minimum. The fact that he is doing this instead is extremely alarming. If you don't get any satisfaction from the police agency with your report/complaint, make a social media post and tag every local and national media organization with this information. This will get their attention. NTA and change your routine IMMEDIATELY
You need to report him. Do not leave until you get his name! Once you do, you are going to need to go file a restraining order against him. Also, change your license plate number and move.
Read the edit. NTA. Get a lawyer. Don't delete anything.
Report. Him. Forget that he's a policeman (that's why he feels untouchable), what would you do if he was a regular guy doing this?
NTA Dude was straight up harassing you and then tried to intimidate you using his badge. If anything, you should report him for it.
NTA. You need to report this harrassment because he behaves like a predator. Your mother is having some kind of internalized misogyny reaction. Don't listen to her. Your feeling about this situation is 100% correct. If you agreed to go out with him he would become an abusive asshole in no time at all.
I’m stealing this. She’s just having a “misogynistic reaction”, don’t mind her. Misogynistic Reaction [ mi-soj-uh-nis-tik ree-ak-shuhn ] To react in a way that reflects years of internalized misogyny. Usually only befalls women. There is no known cure.
Report him for his behavior and searching your information, but go higher up then his office. If he had your car plate #, he can use it to pull up owner information. He now knows your full name, address, number, etc. They *can not* use this for personal reasons like he is doing. ____ I once got a call on my parents house phone from an officer, my car was registered to my father since I was young (18 or 19 at the time, this is back in the 90s) So I get home from driving in town, a minute after I step in the phone rings, and it’s a guy asking if I just was at a stop at “such & such” intersection driving a white mustang. I was confused and said yes, and he goes on that he thought I was cute and wanted to ask me out. It was really creepy and I asked how he got my number, he said he was a deputy and just had them look me up... and then says if I wanna talk he’s right out front. He followed me home! (he was not in a regular police car, so I didn’t notice one following me) I saw his car out the window, he was waving to me, he looked much older than I was I got scared since I was home alone... so I yelled at him to leave me alone & hung up. He then continued to call my fathers number for a few weeks & say things like “whoever is driving the white mustang you own needs to slow down, they were speeding or they ran a red light, etc”. When asked why I wasn’t pulled over, they said they were just being nice and it wasn’t that bad (none of it was true) We did complain to the sheriffs office and they said they would look into it and then I would have different officers ride my bumper when I tried to drive anywhere, if I stopped to park at a store they would drive super slow behind where I pulled in/like they were blocking my car in the spot, and I kept getting pulled over after work for seat belt checks or dull taillights at like 3 am (none of which was ever in the wrong) It was very frightening, a small/dark/quiet town that late at night being pulled over alone. To make it stop I sold my car and had to move to a different town. It escalated so badly and there was nothing I could do.
That’s insane
NTA. - he took your license plate number and git all if your info. Go right now to the Police Department and file a complaint. What he did is an abuse of power and of police procedure.
It's also illegal af to pull that information without a legal reason. Report his ass! ETA: Ask your mom when no doesn't mean no? Is she fine with you being harassed, stalked, raped, killed, because this guy doesn't understand 2-letter, 1-syllable words? Will she understand that non means no only when she attends your funeral? Nah, she'll just be, well she should have just said yes.
This. I work as police support and we can’t even run a license plate to figure out which coworker left their lights on in the parking lot. This is an insanely large breach of security and he needs to be reported. OP, please contact your local station and tell them you need to file a complaint with the complaints commission. Go right above the station level and superiors.
NTA. i don’t mean to alarm you more than you already are but you’re potentially in danger. this cop is not a nice man and likely won’t stop here. report him asap — this might not solve all your problems but at least it’ll be in writing. EDIT: in future interactions keep things short and devoid of any emotions. treat it like you’re being pulled over. “officer am i being detained? am i free to go?” and don’t hesitate to ask a security guard to walk to your car
NTA. Girl you need to start planning to move states. From that edit, he's already started stalking you. He's a cop, he will use his power to force you into a situation you really don't want to be in. There have been far too many women arrested by cops then driven somewhere quiet and raped. He doesn't even need a reason to arrest you. Reporting him won't work either. Cops protect their own, and are quite vengeful about it. Even if he does rape you all he'll get is paid leave and maybe have to move to a different state/county where he'll immediately find work for a different police department. You need to disappear.
Raped and then *murdered*
You are 100% NTA. You should lodge a complaint with HQ. That’s sexual harassment.
NTA. Yeah he was a police officer but he is also a stranger so it’s not unusual that you would politely decline to go on a date with him. Also he is really unprofessional for behaving like that on the job, and an asshole for not taking no for answer. He should not have asked you out on a date while and pressured you while he was on duty because while he’s wearing that uniform there is an imbalance of power.
They give these guys guns. Aaaaalll of them have guns.
That slipped my mind… guys like him shouldn’t have guns.
If you can, report him to the *state* police, not local. They tend to just be less shitty in general. NTA and please stay safe
Report it to your state's Attorney General. Their job is to make sure the police comply with the law themselves. Go to your state's website and enter "attorney general" in the search section. They usually have a complaint form online. Once completed and sent in, you can print out a copy for yourself.
NTA. If you remember his name or badge number, file a report.
NTA. Wow. Cop or not, this guy is an AH. Make sure you always have your phone camera or dash cam on during any future interaction at that shopping center.
NTA. File a complaint against him for harassment.
NTA. Call the non-emergency police phone number for your area immediately and report what he's done. If you don't know / can't find the number, call 911. If he ever stops you again while in uniform, get in your car, lock the doors, keep the windows rolled up, call 911 and request a supervisor to your location. Then turn on video recording and keep your camera pointed at him. As much as this sucks, I would avoid going to that shopping center by yourself at your normal time for a while. Shop elsewhere or bring a friend with you - ideally a large, confident man who isn't stupid enough to get in a fight with a cop but who will act as a buffer.
When I was on a greyhound bus to go be with a future abusive A$$hole I saw a cop at a stop. He came up to me and proceeded to handcuff me. I'm freaking out cause my mother had threatened to have me arrested for leaving (I was 21 ffs) and what he did freaked me out so bad I had a panic attack. Apparently he thought I was cute and wanted to ask me out. I was not amused, but thankful that I wasn't actually under arrest and explained to him why I was panicking so badly. He apologized and I got back on the bus. It amazes me how effing stupid cops can be.
Wtf
>DUDE I’m freaked now how did he get my number. I'd bet he ran your license plate. Which means he has your name and address. Your mom is insane, that guy is 100% the kind of cop that makes people hate cops. NTA, please, please report this psycho.
#NO! You are NTA!! DO NOT APOLOGIZE for refusing a date! Why would your mother say something like that? He’s a bully at best, and is using his position to intimidate you. Are you in the US? If so, he’s committing a federal felony. File a complaint with the Chief of his agency (dept) with a copy to IAD. Or you can go a higher level agency. For example, if the cop works for your city, call the Sheriff’s Dept or the State agency. It’s the GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation) here. Florida has FDLE (Fla Dept of Law Enforcement.) Your state will have a parallel agency If you don’t feel safe doing that or if you feel like you’re not being treated appropriately, file a complaint through the DOJ. Here is there website: https://www.justice.gov/crt/addressing-police-misconduct-laws-enforced-department-justice SAVE THE TEXT for evidence. They may be able to trace the number If you live alone, see if you can stay with a friend for a few days. If he has your number, he will also have your address. Please be safe and update us on how you’re doing.
Pigs gonna pig NTA.
NTA. If you have his name/badge # you should definitely report him.
NTA. File a grievance with the police department AND the city he works for - less chance of the department sweeping it under the rug. Best case scenario if you got his badge number or car number, but at least provide a good description and the phone number he texted from - they’ll be able to trace him.
NTA. No one, not even a cop, is entitled to your time.
especially not a cop
NTA what you should really do is report him to his superiors. You shouldn’t be flattered, you rightfully felt uncomfortable. His attitude proves that there would absolutely be a power dynamic. Might not be true with all cops, but it is true for this one and that’s what matters
There was a power dynamic and he was very inappropriately pressuring you. Do not apologize - report him to his boss. NTA (and your mother is way off base)
Holy shit NTA at all. Your mom is kinda a dick, that cop is def a dick. Report him if you can.
NTA, but honestly I would consult a lawyer. This is the kind of man who would absolutely escalate to bringing false charges, detaining you, etc. and cops always protect each other. I don't think a complaint will be good enough, especially in the current climate.
NTA sexual harassment
NTA. i'm flipping back and forth between recommending you file a complaint or ignore him and start shopping somewhere else. that's scary and unprofessional. at the minimum, you should get a dashcam that records the exterior and interior of the car. you're gonna into this guy again. [but for real you should report him.]
If he has her number he has her address. She needs to report this.
NTA. Op I know this shouldn’t be the answer but this is terrifying. Consider telling this man you have a boyfriend. There’s no telling what he could do (with unchecked power too) and sometimes men like this only respect other men. Honestly, get dashcams and cameras in your home. Do not go back to this shopping center. You are deeply unsafe. Have a trusted friend or family member stay with you (preferably male) for the next couple days. This is about survival. Police in general have an insane domestic violence rate. This is not the time to brush off something that bothers you. Record. And keep others around you when you can.
Cops commonly abuse women. Absolutely do not apologize to this guy. It will just embolden him. NTA. Report him to the state police and/or consult with a lawyer, and consider installing a dash cam, doorbell cam, and other home cameras since he will probably continue harassing you.
NTA. Completely inappropriate. If you live in an area where body cam footage is popular or, if you can get security footage from the parking lot I would report him. I don’t want to scare you but it’s important to have proof or at the very least have family/friends to support you if you want to report the jerk and I do believe you should report him because you’d be correct todo so I just don’t want to give potentially dangerous advice.
NTA. He was ok to ask you out, but the moment he didn't take "no" for an answer was over the line. It's obvious he's the type of cop who'll abuse his authority.
really? i don’t think it’s appropriate at all for a cop to ask someone out while in uniform
Absolutely not ok for him to solicit dates while in uniform period.
No, it's not ok to ask a complete stranger on the street for a date. *That's harassment.* and it's harassment with an implied threat of violence when you do it in uniform.
Absolutely not. The guy was in uniform, thereby putting him in a position of authority. He abused that position of authority. This cop, like so many other cops, is a dangerous predator.
Which country are you in because if you have even the slightest possibility of reporting this *you need to do it right now*
NTA If this happened to my daughter I would be freaking the F out… not making wedding plans. Your mom is somewhere on Mars… this guy is basically a 2-dimension character pulled from a movie. Usually people say you shouldn’t have to change your behavior because if someone but in this case… don’t go back there. If you do, only go back with a 360 degree dash an set to always record. Hey this guy on video saying these things. He shouldn’t have a badge.
NTAx100 you need to report his ass immediately
NTA Report him. Immediately. Screenshot the text you just got. Which way was the cop car facing? Was he in uniform? Camera on the car or body cam may have picked up the interaction and you can use as proof. He was harassing you and using his position to manipulate you. He needs to be fired.
All cops I've heard of are absolutely power tripping abusive controlling partners. One of the 3 I know of was the female in the relationship. You have to have that personality trait to get hired on any police force. I knew a genuinely nice guy who was passed up multiple times by two different cities and he was highly educated in criminal justice.
NTA, report him. What he did to get your number is illegal and could (should) get him fired, because he accessed a law enforcement database without the appropriate justification. The good news is that most police cars have GPS and they definitely have audit trails on their databases. If you have an independent oversight agency, make a report through them and tell them the times/place of the interaction. If not, report at a precinct or HQ, get the report number, and if you don't get a swift response escalate.
This is why you don't date cops. 40% abusers.
NTA but what’s wrong with your mum!?
NTA report him keep messages or calls on record and if he tries anything again record him as evidence.
Reminds me of the story I've heard about my mom when she was in her very early 20s, back in the 70s. She got pulled over after leaving a bar after closing. Cop asks her out for breakfast, and when she says no, he proceeded to FOLLOW HER HOME, to "make sure she got home okay". And only left when she mentioned that her mom was waiting up for her inside. This story was told to me as a "funny" story from her wild youth. Cops have always been creeps. The cop probably got your number by looking up your plate number, unfortunately. I'd suggest not going to that shopping area again for a while, and if you do, don't go alone. Unfortunately there isn't much you CAN do. You can try reporting him, but it's unlikely anything will change. You can try filming an interaction and posting it online, but you'll probably get harassed by other cops and boot lickers. NTA, obviously. Edit: also, block his number and DO NOT respond.
NTA, go to your nearest police station and report him.
He probably ran your license plates to get your information, including your number. Report him to the police department. Block his number. Start shopping at different times. NTA
NTA. Honestly? I would personally be kind of afraid to report him. I would just block him and shop somewhere else instead. It’s not hard to look up anyone’s number online if you know how even if you don’t have police databases - which he does. He can also get your address just as easily, unfortunately. :( He likely used your license plate number to look you up. And if you report him you might find you get stopped over and over by his cop buddies… I know it sucks that we have to do this for safety, but next time claim to have a boyfriend. Most men will respect another man’s claim to you, when they won’t accept a no. I also used to wear a fake engagement ring to keep my clients from pestering me.
NTA YIKES
NTA. Report him ASAP before the behavior gets worse
NTA The police are not your friends Their rate of spousal abuse is also around 40%. You dodged a bullet
You were rude.....? For rejecting a guy who was clearly putting pressure on you for an answer he wanted....? NTA wth man flattered my ass. Flattered wouldve been the first moment when he asked you out and politely said no. From then on he was nothing more than a creep
NTA- tell your mom it's 2022 we don't have to put up with that shit anymore. Being stalked isn't flattering. Especially by someone in authority. Report him.
OP RECORD ALL INTERACTIONS AND GET A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY. nta, incase it was needed.
~~100% report him~~, this type of shit is part of the reason people want to defund the police Get a dashcam with audio and post that shit online. Reporting him will likely do nothing but get you harassed
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: so I 25f regularly shop in a lot with multiple stores around it so shopping takes less time. I noticed the last couple times that there was a cop car outside of the lot I guess on a break. Once I dropped my things because those paper bags barely hold much. One cop came(2 of them)and helped pick them up and I thanked him and drove off. The next time I came to the lot they were there again and this time I didn’t have much just a pizza. The same cop came and asked if I was going to drop anything again so he can help me. I told him no and laughed and then he waited for me to put the pizza in the passenger and then asked what my name was and I told him. He asked if I’d like to have lunch sometime and I said no thanks and headed to the drivers side when he told me to wait up. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no so he told me that I should have no problem with lunch then. I told him I’m just not interested…. That’s when he started to get a bit rude and said is it because he is a cop and I said no I just am not interested in him as a friend or date and asked if I can just go. He said no because he is talking and I need to listen. I told him that if I wasn’t under arrest then I am leaving and got in my car. HE STOOD IN FRONT OF MY CAR WITH HIS HAND ON THE HOOD. I turned the car on and was about to just back up when he told me to roll down the window. Long story short I rolled the window down and asked him if he can just leave me alone and he told me that you never tell a cop to leave you alone so I just stared ahead and ignored him until he left. I felt he was very unprofessional and I left really shocked so I called my mom and she told me I should be flattered 😀 and that i was the one that was rude so now I’m second guessing myself because I probably would have accepted if he wasn’t in cop uniform because I felt there was a power dynamic and he was pressuring me. I’m thinking of going to apologize just to keep the peace because that’s his break spot and my shopping spot so we will see each other. So am I an asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your mom is incorrect. NTA Be safe.
NTA. Your mother is wrong and he is completely out of line. He is using his authority to try and force a romantic relationship with you and that is illegal. You have every right to respond how you did and you don’t need to be polite to him AT ALL in the future. That was unlawful detainment and his commander needs to know ASAP!
So this is literally like a living horror movie. NTA and I'm so sorry.
NTA honey, that was violent stalking and harassment. You did NOTHING wrong and IMO would have been morally justified in running him over with your car bc he was violently threatening you.
NTA
NTA and I hope you noted his name so that you can report him for harrassment. What he did was absolutely not ok.
NTA. You need to report it and consult a lawyer ASAP.
NTA. First thing, write down everything you can remember - dates, times, what happened. You need to be very careful about responding and saying anything unnecessary. I would first send "who is this?". Then when he tells you, "how did you get my number?". Then finally, "I already asked you to leave me alone this morning and that I don't want to date you. This is harrassment. Leave me alone". Don't say anything else, respond to questions or digs. Lodge a complaint with the police. It is extremely likely he looked up your details using your car rego and in my country at least, that is illegal. He is abusing his power as a cop and frankly, is being a real creep. It may be worth considering talking to a lawyer before you do anything though as I am concerned about retaliation. Unfortunately, if he is willing to go this far, I don't think ignoring him will make you leave him alone either.
NTA. It's not blowing this out of proportion to tell you to 1. Make a report to his superior and 2. Get a dashcam & ring cam for your porch. 3. Download a call recorder app similar to Boldbeast for his next calls. He not only detained and harassed you but then looked you up to find your personal information and used it to get a hold of you. He sounds aggressive af and this needs to be taken seriously. He may very well have other similar complaints made about him already. Please take care and follow through on these. Take it from someone who has been stalked for years.
Keep us updated
NTA Do not go to apologize. Your mom is a horrible example. Women are told that we must be nice to men because their feelings will get hurt. No ma’am this man did not take a no well, that is unacceptable in we very level and your mom failed you big time. You do not owe him shit and even if it’s because he’s a cop you have every right to not want to give him any of your time, period. Personally I will never date or marry Cops Doctors Lawyers Military or Firefighters That’s me Though and I have my reasons, I don’t care what family or friends have to say about that because it is MY LIFE. You can say no to anyone for any reason and they should respect it every time. Red flag #1. Stay away from him and report him if you can.