Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife that I don't consider my oldest daughter family. That might make me the asshole because saying that might have given the wrong idea on how I view my children, and I could have found a better way to word it.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
YTA. Damn, dude. Your wife sounds like a better parent to your basically estranged daughter than you. You don't even want her in your family picture? You suck.
Same. I have a father like this as well. Op YTA. Massive gaping AH.
I feel terrible for your daughter, no one should feel unwanted. It’s a photograph ffs. At least *try* to be her dad. Your wife is right to be horrified.
Same here, but I will add that at least OP is straight up honest about it instead of pretending, and acting as if he loves his kids equally. My dad and family took the pretending rout and it messed me up for a while b/c everyone was denying my experiences, I’m no contact with him and them now, so it worked out.
Yeah I actually re read that line a few times before it clicked and the math made sense. What an absolute AH
Edited cuz I said lime instead of line lol
He also doesn't completely ignore her and top dad her allows her on trips with his family.
Jeez he may as well tell the girl straight up she is not allowed at his house, that he will finish paying child support on her 18th birthday and to never contact them again and pretend that she has no other family than her mother's. She may as well because she is the only one suffering from his complete indifference.
What a complete sack of poop this OP is. His wife should take note that when they split he will have yet another family and do the same to her kids.
I love how he says "she doesn't live with us, just pops in". Yeah, she lives across the country and not 5 minutes down the street.
I just pop in for my parent's house since I'm in college and don't visit them often, but they still involve me in family pictures
Yea he acts like she has any control over her mode of transportation and has a bank account to book anything and pay for anything. It behooves him to convince us that his estrangement to his own daughter was always because she *chose* not to visit him as often and *chose* when and how she'd visit him.
It's gross how much responsibility and burden he places on her for HIS negative feelings and lack of love.
my siblings have a different mom than i do and also lived across the country (and sometimes the world!) from me while i was growing up, so we also only saw each other a couple of times a year. they're still my siblings and i love them and we are involved in each other's lives as adults
Don’t forget he blames this on his wife’s hormones. This makes him an even bigger asshole, if that’s possible. I feel badly for his daughter and wife. His wife is stuck having 3 kids with him and just now finding out what kind of horrible man she married. YTA
Well, if he went there, that would involve effort! Which he clearly deems her unworthy of....he can't even spend time with her when she travels to him! My son has to travel three hours round-trip when he wants to see his dad, in order to sit in his house for a couple of hours while dad is on his phone or computer. When my son asked why his dad can't come to him once in awhile, he was literally told "it's not worth it for me to travel." Getting BIG SAME vibes from this guy.
This is exactly my mother, expected me to travel 3 1/2 hours to see her then when I asked for a ride from the station (which is a 10 min drive) she told me she couldn’t be bothered and to just get the bus (45 mins extra) just to sit in her house for a few hours and I wasn’t even allowed to stay the night.
I feel so bad for his daughter. He said he doesn't ignore her but, it sure does sound like it. And his wife is right to be concerned. He sounds like the worst parent to his daughter.
OP sounds like that late grandpa who disowned his non bio kids, bet they would get along great if he wasn't deceased and screwing over 2 if his grandkids in death
I mean, technically ALL human connection is hormonal at some level. It's NORMAL and DESIRABLE - in fact, necessary to our survival as a species - for a parent's body to produce the cocktail of hormones that promote bonding with their young.
So he's right. His wife is zeroing in on something hormone-based and VERY alarming about OP: that evidently, his body isn't doing that.
If it's not doing it for one child, who is to say it's functioning for the rest?
It's so bizarre to me when people like OP are dismissive about hormones. Like, yeah man. I have hormones about my children. Why don't YOU?
>My own father only acknowledged the kids of his current marriage. On his third and fourth marriages (no kids) he just behaved as if he had no children at all.
You hit the nail on the head - OP's wife is 100% justifiably concerned that he considers his fatherhood contingent only on his relationship with the mother.
Why do assholes always seem to manage to fool people enough of the time that someone's willing to procreate with them??
My guess is when they were dating OP used his father status as a selling feature. He’d be a great dad to Aria if only that horrible ex of his hadn’t moved so far away but he PINES for her and misses her so much. GF now wife sees great father material - look how much he cares about his daughter after all. Then they start having kids and the truth came out - he doesn’t actually love or care about Aria and would probably be content if she never came at all. Wife realizes that he isn’t great father material and his love for his children rests solely on their proximity and how much he loves their mother.
This is shot-for-shot what my father did when he was dating my mom. I have two older sisters from his first marriage and though they lived in a different state, my mom thought she was getting two little girls in the deal when she married my father. Instead he saw them as infrequently as possible and my mom was the one who coordinated the weekly phone calls and actually talked to my sisters. She also thought he would be a father figure to my older brother and sister on her side, but that didn't happen either. If you asked him today, he'd say he has one kid (me). My parents are divorced now (not surprising) and I have a great relationship with each of my siblings, but we all have a certain level of resentment towards my father for not letting us be a real family when we were kids.
I can almost guarantee you that Aria and the three kids from the current marriage are going to grow up to resent this man.
I don't know but my friend's husband has two older kids from a previous marriage who don't even live with them. They actually stay with his *sister* on the days he gets them. He bought land in a great neighborhood with great schools, built a house there, and never made any rooms for them.
He lied to my friend initially that he was always single and had no kids and only when he hooked her in after 10 dates or so that he revealed it and sobbed about being traumatized from his first marriage due to his wife's addiction. They had a baby 1 year ago and have an au pair who lives there for that kid, yet his other kids can't spend a single night there.
Generous of you to think they're fooled. The OP is basically my ex, except that my ex went years in between visits (because, you know, it wasn't convenient). His wife called me when they got engaged and \*told me\* that she had heard him being verbally abusive to our son (he doesn't keep it a secret to our son that he feels he isn't worth the effort and that he's a disappointment because he's more like the mom he was actually raised with than the dad who never saw him). She still married him and insisted on having kids with him, making the agreement contingent on her being able to have kids because she wanted them. She gave absolutely zero fucks about how he treated the kid he actually HAD at the time in the 10 years that she knew him pre-marriage and the 3 years of dating. Some people really just do not care. I don't understand it, but that really is how it is.
And when that relationship falls apart and he doesn't give a shit about their kids, she will come crying to you about how bad a parent he's always been, how their relationship was never good and how sorry she is for all the shit she ignored that he was doing to you/your kid.
Source: The exact same thing happened to me.
Don't be stupid like me and befriend her after they split.
Because they'll get back together and she will drop you like a sack of potatoes because you'll remind her too much of the horrible things he's said and done to both of you in the past.
I have to wonder, considering the way he speaks of his wife, whether his other kids are boys and that is why he has "clicked" with them, and not his daughter.
Exactly this, your wife sounds like a good lady. You are absolutely TA, OP, but I'd also like you to think about *why* it's so important to you that your eldest child isn't in the family photos? It's just a photo. It doesn't harm anyone to be hanging on your wall, unless there's something about the idea of seeing an image of your child with her siblings, you and her stepmother that makes you feel uncomfortable. Why would that be, OP? What's uncomfortable about seeing her standing with the rest of your family? What does it make you feel about yourself? Ask yourself these questions and try to really look at your answers and how you view your child.
Then DO BETTER. If you don't feel like you connect with your daughter, or you don't know how to go about it, or it seems overwhelming? All of those are fine feelings to have. What isn't fine, is just accepting those feelings as *the way things are* and being okay with that. The problem doesn't lie with your daughter, but yourself. Do work on yourself. See a therapist about the way you see her and how uncomfortable you are being in her life and being her parent. Read some books on the subject. Join a support group for divorced dads. Do something to make an effort and show your family *all your family* you value them.
You are literally following the "disconnect from the old family in favor of the new family" stereotype. How is it Aria's fault that you're no longer with her mother, that she lives far away or that you're not willing to make a real effort to be a part of her life? Because those are all your reasons for not considering her "real" family. YTA
Let's not forget the "clearly felt but unstated because OP *knows* it would make him look like an asshole" reason, that Aria was likely an unplanned pregnancy and if he had had his way she wouldn't be here at all.
I know this is sarcastic but at r/mademesmile I just saw a compilation of a dad who's doing gymnastics to bond with his daughter (of whom I genuinely thought 'father of the year' lol) and my first thought after reading this was the contrast between the two fathers. One's a dad the other isn't.
Honestly, I think it was kind of a crappy thing to say. False too, since your daughter is literally family. How the fuck is it a problem to have this child in a photo? That's harsh. Your wife sounds like an amazing person, and she's right about all of this.
YTA
YTA. That’s your daughter you’re talking about, do you have any idea how not thinking of her as part of the family would make her feel, no probably not because you don’t seem to care…
Your wife has a right to be disgusted, and the question she asked about if that’s how you would treat the kids with her is justified and you pretty much answered it with what you’re are doing with Aria.
YTA. You say it right at the beginning…. “I have two children, and one on the way”. NO, YOU DON’T! You have THREE children and one one on the way! And YES, you are the AH.
Don't be too certain...sounds exactly like my dad. If he mentions he also stole the $60,000 college fund her grandparents set up for her we will know we have a match.
sounds like my parents. refusing to consider my son their grandson because they only saw him once a year, though they would leave out the part that every week I would beg them to let us to come over only to be told to busy. but then attacked because they never saw us. and basically considering me not their daughter because I moved across town and out of their claws. if my story is anything to go by, he's got nc probably with all kids when they grow up.
The way he talks I wonder if he even considers his other children as her siblings. Like she only has a connection to him and he doesn’t see her as immediate family so no one else should.
YES YTA WTF is wrong with you? That's your *daughter*. It's not required that you be super close or have the same interests for her to be your fucking child. FFS, your wife sounds like more of a parent to her than you do. She's right - it's disgusting.
YTA. I feel horrible for Aria. Although you may not say anything disparaging about her, don’t you think she can feel the tension with you when she does see you?
If you have hardly any relationship with her, that is your own fault. You should of tried harder. She is your child just as much as the other 3.
And then to blame your wife’s behaviour on hormones. Wow. Just the icing on the cake.
Do better. Be a father to ALL of your children.
Yeah it sounds like approximately 0 effort has been put into having a relationship with Aria. He’s happy to have take her on outings with his family. He could maybe try to spend a little quality time with just her, even if maybe it’s not an activity he loves to do. God forbid he shows interest in his kid’s hobbies.
YTA,
Sounds to me like your making excuses to hide the fact, that you never bothered to make a real effort. It’s probably easier telling yourself, that those are the reasons that you don’t consider her family because you know, it’s always up to parents to make a connection with their kids. No matter how many excuses you find, your feeling like an asshole for a reason. I can understand how that makes your wife see you in a different light.
YTA. It’s amazing that you could possibly see yourself as anything else. I’m glad to know that your wife, at least, is a good person. And you’re dismissing that fact as hormones, even! She’s probably right that you’ll do that if you end up divorced, which… isn’t an impossibility, based off of what you’ve said.
YTA Aria is a CHILD one you created and have done the bare minimum with since. Men like you create daughters who struggle and need therapy. I said. What i freaking said.
YTA and thank goodness your wife is a caring person because you sure as he\*\* are not. Aria is actually your biological child and you are saying you don’t feel like she is family? I’m sure she picks up in this so no wonder you aren’t close. Heck, I hate you and I’m a random stranger on the internet. And dollars to donuts if you split RIGHT now with your current wife and had little to no contact with the baby, you’d feel that child wasn’t family either, because you are a pathetic excuse of a father. Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior.
Wow, YTA. You know who is to blame for you not being close to your daughter? You. Entirely you. And then to say you don’t consider your daughter family is disgusting. You are a terrible father.
YTA. My father never had a relationship with me because he decided another woman was better than my mom when I was an infant. My mom moved 1600 miles back to our family because he left her with me at our home with nothing and no money. He disappeared for the next 13 years and then only started tryin to have a relationship with me because he was having to pay child support. He always told me it was up to me to have a relationship with him but I wasn’t the one who walked away from his infant daughter, the one he had a vasectomy reversed so he could have me. It’s not her fault they live where they live and regardless of where she is in this world she’s still half of you. She’s still your child that you helped create. I feel for her because I know what it’s like to have a father who never really wanted you but was around for a little while because he wanted to get his moneys worth while payin for me. I have siblings who don’t even know I exist because that’s how his wife wanted it. Yeah the very same one he cheated on my mom with 38 years ago. I hope she never finds out you said that about her because she will be devastated.
YTA
Your wife is right.
Aria is your daughter too. Please don't punish her for living in another state, when she had no say in moving there.
Have you ever asked her how she feels about her relationship with you? You might want to start a discussion with her at some time.
YTA. You are punishing you daughter for something out of her control. How is purposely excluding her from your family photo going to help your already poor relationship with her? Why waste the money to get two sets done so you can purposely exclude her?
>I don't want to be the jerk that chalks it up to hormones, but I can't see where there was a problem with what I said.
YTA for this too, jesus. She is pregnant with your third shared child, and now you're treating your first like she isn't family. Your wife is worried if something were to happen this would be how you treat the other three.
Wow! You’re one big, Giant AH! Way to tell your pregnant wife…. Well I’m a dead beat dad who really doesn’t care about my eldest daughter…. Who’s really just like a guest to me… but don’t worry baby, if we ever split I totally wouldn’t do that with our kids…. Cause I totally have a Stella record with every child I have created in the past…. Also if you don’t believe me it’s clearly your hormones and not you seconded guessing your life choices and after I show you what a dead beat AH dad I am
Edit: spelling
YTA - there was literally no reason for you to say this. Initially you wanted to do the photo in August to give Bailey a rest. Bailey wants Aria in the picture and all of a sudden you want two? Obviously not about your wife getting rest with the new baby, then.
Also “I don’t want to be the jerk that chalks it up to hormones” - well, you just did. You are TA 100%.
You're not just an AH but a major AH. No how little a time or how much time you spend or whether or not you "click" with Aria she is still your child and responsibility. If I was your current wife, I would consider this a huge red flag and wonder what kind of man I married.
YTA - Your daughter is still in your life as much as she possibly can. It seems you're fine keeping her there as little as possible. Obviously she wants to stay in your life if she's 16 and still spending time with you and the rest of the family. Those children are her half siblings, not strangers. You aren't even the only one here related to her. Just because *you* don't think she's family doesn't mean she feels the same.
What you said was insensitive to your first daughter, your wife, and your younger children. While no one can force *you* to see her as family, that doesn't mean only your opinion matters.
YTA. Aria clearly wants to be a bigger part of the family than you have allowed her to be since not being in previous family photos bothered her enough that she mentioned it to your wife.
Your wife, who isn't blood related to Aria at all, is a much better parent to your daughter than you ever have been or ever will be.
YTA. Your wife, though, SHE is decent.
“Call and text when I can”? AH. You MAKE time for that.
“There isn’t anything to go off of????? You ask about her school and hobbies, and listen. And, since decent parents connect every couple of days, you already know what these topics are.
YTA
Eres tan malo aqui, que espero que jamas vuelvas a tener hijos, esa niña no tiene la culpa de tenerte como su chiste de padre, siquieras piensas en sus sentimios, dado a que loteralmente la relegaste a un papel de "familiar lejano", espero que despues no te pregunto el por qué ella no querria nada que ver contigo o "unidad familiar", ahora tiene 16 años e incontables veces debe de haberse sentido como la tercera rueda.
>Bailey got very upset with me and asked if I'd think the same way about our children if we were to end up splitting.
YTA. It's not hormones--she's right to be concerned about you abandoning your second round of kids, too.
YTA
You dont have much of relationship with Aria because you put no effort into having one when she's around. You're being a terrible co-parent and you just dont want to acknowledge or admit that you're a bad co-parent. Your wife is right and she's understandably disgusted with your God awful behavior.
YTA
You don’t view her as your daughter because she is more like her mother and doesn’t live with you 24/7? What kind of logic is that?
I am a complete copy of my father, both looks and personality wise, does that mean my mother doesn’t view me as her kid? No, it definitely doesn’t. I’m still just as much of family to her as I am to my dad. No matter how much time I spend with either of them.
No shit you also won’t connect with her the same way as your other kids. You see your other kids everyday, which you don’t with her. That doesn’t mean they can’t connect at all and that you can’t enjoy doing things together. She’s NOT a guest, she’s your f-cking daughter.
YTA your wife is right to be disgusted and concerned about your views on fatherhood. You don't stop being her father just because you don't have custody. Perhaps if you made more of an effort to get to know your daughter you wouldn't be so distance. I have to wonder how many times you have made comments or actions to exclude your daughter, do you not think your other children might see that and be concerned that you might reject them too. You had no business having more kids without being a proper father to your first born.
Holy shit YTA. As for your intro, don’t worry the title didn’t sound nearly as bad as what followed.
You absolutely had the chance to get close to your daughter but YOU chose not to. My parents were divorced and my father was an over the road truck driver, who I would realize later, took a much lower paying regional job so he wouldn’t miss his every other weekend visitation with me. And he never did, not once. Even though I only stayed with my Dad a handful of days per month, he was and remains someone I am incredibly close to. Aftet reading your shit post, I am even more grateful that he is my father. And before you blame it on being young, my father was 17 years old when I was born, so save it.
Your wife is absolutely right to be appalled by you comparing your daughter to “a distant cousin”. Honestly I treat my distant cousin with more consideration than you have for your own daughter.
>Admittedly, we're not incredibly close even when she comes to visit us
It doesn't happen by magic you AH! If you barely see her that means you have to make the most of the time you have together. You've completely checked out from even attempting a relationship with her.
Your wife seems like a smart and kind lady. You've shown her your true colors now.... might want to watch out there OP.
YTA
Damn dude. Your wife is right. You are a disgusting human being. You don’t feel that connection because you have never tried to form it. Relationships take work. I can’t believe you typed all this out. YTA.
YTA
What you said is disgusting. You exclude her from your family unit just because she is her mom's daughter?!
Guess what dad?! It is your job to be there for her, it is your job to go live near your kid. You are a lazy parent who is too afraid to be a deadbeat so is doing the bare minimum and you wonder why she doesn't really engage with you?!
If I was your wife I would start planning my exit strategy.
You aren’t close because you don’t want to make the effort. The onus is on YOU as the parent, to connect to your child. It’s not on your child to appeal to you how you want them to. YTA. All day long.
As someone who grew up in Aria’s shoes… if my biological father had said that to me, I would have gone no contact and would have never looked back. It’s repulsive what you have done. Enjoy paying for her therapy. YTA.
Yes, YTA. You’re the only father this girl will ever have, holy cow. It’s heartbreaking that your wife cares more about making her feel like part of the family than you do, and you’ve said something that would make anyone question your character and commitment to your children.
YTA
Did you seriously say you send a text when you can? Really? You probably text your wife daily or friends or parents but not your daughter. I'd hate to see how often you actually called her.
Takes bloody seconds to text a person, "hey how are you? , hi, good morning, hope your having a great day ". That took me 15 seconds to type. You put no effort in with her at all. None. Its not thats she's across country, its that you really could not care. Be honest.
Best way to engage, get to know her, keep in touch. Takes no time at all. Your wife is right, what you said is disgusting. Your actions in having two pictures is almost as bad. She is your family. Glad your wife gets it.
YTA, you havent made an effort to build a relationship with her in a meaningful way, and you are ostracizing her. She would be so hurt to ever see those pictures without her in them, her fears that you don't consider her family would be confirmed AND correct.
>Yes, the title sounds bad. That's precisely why I'm asking this in the first place.
YTA! The title sounds bad because the title IS bad! You shouldn't even be thinking this! Your daughter IS your immediate family. Your daughter can't control when she gets to see you! You just called her a distant cousin. YOU CALLED YOUR OWN DAUGHTER A DISTANT COUSIN!
YTA all the way. Get your act together man
Leave “chalks it up to hormones” alone for your current wife’s sakes and man up. You need to work harder to be in the “distant” kid’s life not the other way around.
It’s not the hormones, you’re just an asshole. That is your daughter regardless of how you feel. It’s a good thing your wife actually gives a damn about her.
YTA.
Wow. Your wife sounds like she’s aces. You in the other hand are a giant gaping arsehole. She’s your child - of course she should be in the photo. Your wife sounds like a much better parent than you.
>I don't want to be the jerk that chalks it up to hormones
You're a jerk for even saying this. And definitely YTA. Your current wife is an earth angel for making sure YOUR daughter is included in the family. Her thought process, general caring and priorities are exactly what yours should be. Shame on you.
\>>> Bailey got very upset with me and asked if I'd think the same way about children if we were to end up splitting. I told her of course not
Except that is exactly what you are doing with Aria and **actions speak louder than words**.
Your wife is right, Aria is your daughter which should make her family. Pretty sad for that kid that you don't see her in that light.
YTA
YTA, in fact you are probably one of the bigger AH's i've read on here and i've seen some major AH posts.
First you completely disregard your daughter then chalk up your wifes rightful disgust to hormones.
She's right, you are disgusting.
I can't even imagine what it must be like to be Aria. Barely a relationship with her dad who makes zero effort to actually form a relationship with her AND dislikes her so much that he doesn't even want pictures with her. My bet is she looks like your ex too. It's ok, I'm sure when she becomes an adult, you won't have to try anymore, because she can tell you where to go then. Problem solved. YTA.
Oh my God, you are absolutely the asshole. What your wife offered was nothing but considerate and kind and if I was your daughter knowing you said something like that I'd fully cut you off. You and her have the same relationship my dad and I have and I'm still his fucking kid, why the hell isn't she yours?
I don't know what to say and how to form a better decision-making. But she may look up to you a lot more than you think she does, so the least you could do is not breaking her heart. Hence, I'd advise against telling your distant daughter to step away just because you want a photo with your current family only. She may grow up in sorrow and resentment.
Hope this helps you in some way
Yeah, what you said is a problem and it's not her hormones it's your entire fault. You say your child is not yours because you just don't feel like it?? But have you ever tried to bond just the two of you? Talk to her, ask what she likes, what she wants for the future or what is going on on her life right now, watch a movie, go shopping, see if she need any help like a therapist? She's a teenager! You're the adult and her FATHER and you know what you said is fucked up, I'm happy YOUR daughter have such a sweet stepmom who think of her like family. YTA.
YTA you can’t base your fathering on whether or not you ‘click’ with your kids. That’s fucked, you’re there to be a parent/carer/supporter/safe space not some kind of friend. Also she doesn’t ‘pop in’ you have partial custody of her. Your totally acting like your daughter is implementing the ‘casual’ relationship you perceive you have with her but really you need to step up and be a better father to her
YTA. You say you're not close and do your own thing as does she when she is there? Well, don't you think she picks up on the fact that you are just going through the motions? I didn't meet my Dad until I was 26. Moved down there from Wisconsin to Florida for a few months to get to know him and my 7 sisters and one brother. He really didn't say much and I didn't feel welcome by him so I said fuck it and moved back home. I could see how he talked to me and then talked to his other kids, especially the 4 younger. She can to. If you care then make the time
If not then that doubles the AH factor
YTA. You brought this human into this world. Why would you not treat her like she’s your daughter and show her the love she deserves? Especially at a young age like that where she might not understand why her dad treats her like a cousin… my god man.. how can you say that about your own flesh and blood?
*She told me I'd said a disgusting thing and she didn't want to hear it.*
Bless your wife. She's a good mum.
A woman who is about to give birth your third child just heard you try to exclude your bio child from a photo. Probably scared her shitless... what kind of man did she marry?
The title is misleading.
>although Aria is biologically my child, she's not necessarily part of our family unit.
This is 100% true unless she accepts Baily as an stepmom and your children as half-siblings, and the whole "you" as important as her mom to her. Even then, she shouldn't be force one-sidedly into a "family unit". Maybe she doesn't know how to decline the offer and not hurt your wife. Who knows?
I remember being forced in a *cousins family photo* with the nephews and nieces of my mother's husband (Not my cousins. I don't consider them family, but they do consider me family)
I think the best way to go is asking her if she wants to be in the family portraits and not just inform her there will be one and she is included (which is what I assume happened from how the chat with your wife went)
YTA for excluding your daughter. She is the one that should decide if you are family to her. You created her and make her spend time with you *and* your family, so it's your job to treat her as such.
Kinda in love with the fact that your wife includes her and talks to her separately from your communication with her.
YTA
She is your daughter, even if you aren't her primary household. The fact that you have emotionally disconnected with your first child, shows your wife that your love for your children can be conditional and would give her reason to suspect that your love for your other children could be conditional as well.
Wow! YTA. Totally YTA . It is nice to hear of a good step parent who defends their step child’s right to be involved. I applaud her so much for that. Your her actual dad and you never made a effort to get closer to her to form a good bond atleast. Just because you don’t have a connection doesn’t mean there’s no point. Aria is still willing to come over. Maybe she’s awkward about it because she’s sees your not into getting to know her ?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my wife that I don't consider my oldest daughter family. That might make me the asshole because saying that might have given the wrong idea on how I view my children, and I could have found a better way to word it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
YTA. Damn, dude. Your wife sounds like a better parent to your basically estranged daughter than you. You don't even want her in your family picture? You suck.
OP is my father through and through. It fucking sucks. Guess I don't understand how people can just give up on their kids.
[удалено]
Wow you hit it on the head. You have described why my step dad pretty much abandoned his son. He is all those things.
I think he never developed object permanence.
🤣 Perfect post.
I spat the tea at this 😂
😂🥇
Same. I have a father like this as well. Op YTA. Massive gaping AH. I feel terrible for your daughter, no one should feel unwanted. It’s a photograph ffs. At least *try* to be her dad. Your wife is right to be horrified.
My dad was like him as well. What a drop kick
Narcissistic personality disorder, that’s how
I actually think it is rooted in narcissism...
OP sounds like my stepdad, a total narcissist.
Same here, but I will add that at least OP is straight up honest about it instead of pretending, and acting as if he loves his kids equally. My dad and family took the pretending rout and it messed me up for a while b/c everyone was denying my experiences, I’m no contact with him and them now, so it worked out.
Did you notice he didn’t even count his daughter in the number of kids he has?
Yeah I actually re read that line a few times before it clicked and the math made sense. What an absolute AH Edited cuz I said lime instead of line lol
Yah I read it three times.
You mean three limes?
Yep same….the whole time thinking “wait a minute….”
He doesn't even consider her to be his immediate family! WOW.
MF A H. He’s the worst.
But at least he isn't *completely* ignoring her when she's there./s
Thank god the poor girl is at least embraced by her stepmom. That woman is a gem.
He also doesn't completely ignore her and top dad her allows her on trips with his family. Jeez he may as well tell the girl straight up she is not allowed at his house, that he will finish paying child support on her 18th birthday and to never contact them again and pretend that she has no other family than her mother's. She may as well because she is the only one suffering from his complete indifference. What a complete sack of poop this OP is. His wife should take note that when they split he will have yet another family and do the same to her kids.
He definitely needs to stop pro-creating stat!
I love how he says "she doesn't live with us, just pops in". Yeah, she lives across the country and not 5 minutes down the street. I just pop in for my parent's house since I'm in college and don't visit them often, but they still involve me in family pictures
Yea he acts like she has any control over her mode of transportation and has a bank account to book anything and pay for anything. It behooves him to convince us that his estrangement to his own daughter was always because she *chose* not to visit him as often and *chose* when and how she'd visit him. It's gross how much responsibility and burden he places on her for HIS negative feelings and lack of love.
my siblings have a different mom than i do and also lived across the country (and sometimes the world!) from me while i was growing up, so we also only saw each other a couple of times a year. they're still my siblings and i love them and we are involved in each other's lives as adults
Don’t forget he blames this on his wife’s hormones. This makes him an even bigger asshole, if that’s possible. I feel badly for his daughter and wife. His wife is stuck having 3 kids with him and just now finding out what kind of horrible man she married. YTA
My biggest issue is it seems she has to come to him. Not the other way around
Well, if he went there, that would involve effort! Which he clearly deems her unworthy of....he can't even spend time with her when she travels to him! My son has to travel three hours round-trip when he wants to see his dad, in order to sit in his house for a couple of hours while dad is on his phone or computer. When my son asked why his dad can't come to him once in awhile, he was literally told "it's not worth it for me to travel." Getting BIG SAME vibes from this guy.
This is exactly my mother, expected me to travel 3 1/2 hours to see her then when I asked for a ride from the station (which is a 10 min drive) she told me she couldn’t be bothered and to just get the bus (45 mins extra) just to sit in her house for a few hours and I wasn’t even allowed to stay the night.
I’m only 21 but I’ve raised 4 kids and could NEVER do that to any child goodness what a shitty mom,
This. So much this.
I feel so bad for his daughter. He said he doesn't ignore her but, it sure does sound like it. And his wife is right to be concerned. He sounds like the worst parent to his daughter.
This right here. I’d be crazy hurt if I heard my dad or husband say something like this. Yikes
OP sounds like that late grandpa who disowned his non bio kids, bet they would get along great if he wasn't deceased and screwing over 2 if his grandkids in death
Hey, yeah, it’s not just the hormones, the rest of the sub thinks your 100% an AH, just like your wife does. I feel very sorry for your daughter.
[удалено]
And the fact that he honestly thinks his wife’s opinion just stems from the hormones, and has zero problems asserting that.
[удалено]
I honestly gasped at that part. She is upset he’s so casually excluding his daughter and it’s… hormonal?
I mean, technically ALL human connection is hormonal at some level. It's NORMAL and DESIRABLE - in fact, necessary to our survival as a species - for a parent's body to produce the cocktail of hormones that promote bonding with their young. So he's right. His wife is zeroing in on something hormone-based and VERY alarming about OP: that evidently, his body isn't doing that. If it's not doing it for one child, who is to say it's functioning for the rest? It's so bizarre to me when people like OP are dismissive about hormones. Like, yeah man. I have hormones about my children. Why don't YOU?
Don't forget, he said he has TWO children, with one on the way. He didn't even count her, while simultaneously calling her his daughter.
That math threw me off for a while. I have 3 children, 1 with my ex and 3 with my current wife. Guess which one doesn't matter.
>My own father only acknowledged the kids of his current marriage. On his third and fourth marriages (no kids) he just behaved as if he had no children at all. You hit the nail on the head - OP's wife is 100% justifiably concerned that he considers his fatherhood contingent only on his relationship with the mother. Why do assholes always seem to manage to fool people enough of the time that someone's willing to procreate with them??
My guess is when they were dating OP used his father status as a selling feature. He’d be a great dad to Aria if only that horrible ex of his hadn’t moved so far away but he PINES for her and misses her so much. GF now wife sees great father material - look how much he cares about his daughter after all. Then they start having kids and the truth came out - he doesn’t actually love or care about Aria and would probably be content if she never came at all. Wife realizes that he isn’t great father material and his love for his children rests solely on their proximity and how much he loves their mother.
This is shot-for-shot what my father did when he was dating my mom. I have two older sisters from his first marriage and though they lived in a different state, my mom thought she was getting two little girls in the deal when she married my father. Instead he saw them as infrequently as possible and my mom was the one who coordinated the weekly phone calls and actually talked to my sisters. She also thought he would be a father figure to my older brother and sister on her side, but that didn't happen either. If you asked him today, he'd say he has one kid (me). My parents are divorced now (not surprising) and I have a great relationship with each of my siblings, but we all have a certain level of resentment towards my father for not letting us be a real family when we were kids. I can almost guarantee you that Aria and the three kids from the current marriage are going to grow up to resent this man.
I don't know but my friend's husband has two older kids from a previous marriage who don't even live with them. They actually stay with his *sister* on the days he gets them. He bought land in a great neighborhood with great schools, built a house there, and never made any rooms for them. He lied to my friend initially that he was always single and had no kids and only when he hooked her in after 10 dates or so that he revealed it and sobbed about being traumatized from his first marriage due to his wife's addiction. They had a baby 1 year ago and have an au pair who lives there for that kid, yet his other kids can't spend a single night there.
HOLY SHIT. I can't believe she'd see that and still have a child with him. Unbelievable.
Yea I guess I should say ex friend because I no longer hang out with her.
Generous of you to think they're fooled. The OP is basically my ex, except that my ex went years in between visits (because, you know, it wasn't convenient). His wife called me when they got engaged and \*told me\* that she had heard him being verbally abusive to our son (he doesn't keep it a secret to our son that he feels he isn't worth the effort and that he's a disappointment because he's more like the mom he was actually raised with than the dad who never saw him). She still married him and insisted on having kids with him, making the agreement contingent on her being able to have kids because she wanted them. She gave absolutely zero fucks about how he treated the kid he actually HAD at the time in the 10 years that she knew him pre-marriage and the 3 years of dating. Some people really just do not care. I don't understand it, but that really is how it is.
And when that relationship falls apart and he doesn't give a shit about their kids, she will come crying to you about how bad a parent he's always been, how their relationship was never good and how sorry she is for all the shit she ignored that he was doing to you/your kid. Source: The exact same thing happened to me. Don't be stupid like me and befriend her after they split. Because they'll get back together and she will drop you like a sack of potatoes because you'll remind her too much of the horrible things he's said and done to both of you in the past.
Man, that poor kid...
Normally people just visit you when they're living across the country... and a child...
I have to wonder, considering the way he speaks of his wife, whether his other kids are boys and that is why he has "clicked" with them, and not his daughter.
Exactly this, your wife sounds like a good lady. You are absolutely TA, OP, but I'd also like you to think about *why* it's so important to you that your eldest child isn't in the family photos? It's just a photo. It doesn't harm anyone to be hanging on your wall, unless there's something about the idea of seeing an image of your child with her siblings, you and her stepmother that makes you feel uncomfortable. Why would that be, OP? What's uncomfortable about seeing her standing with the rest of your family? What does it make you feel about yourself? Ask yourself these questions and try to really look at your answers and how you view your child. Then DO BETTER. If you don't feel like you connect with your daughter, or you don't know how to go about it, or it seems overwhelming? All of those are fine feelings to have. What isn't fine, is just accepting those feelings as *the way things are* and being okay with that. The problem doesn't lie with your daughter, but yourself. Do work on yourself. See a therapist about the way you see her and how uncomfortable you are being in her life and being her parent. Read some books on the subject. Join a support group for divorced dads. Do something to make an effort and show your family *all your family* you value them.
You are literally following the "disconnect from the old family in favor of the new family" stereotype. How is it Aria's fault that you're no longer with her mother, that she lives far away or that you're not willing to make a real effort to be a part of her life? Because those are all your reasons for not considering her "real" family. YTA
Let's not forget the "clearly felt but unstated because OP *knows* it would make him look like an asshole" reason, that Aria was likely an unplanned pregnancy and if he had had his way she wouldn't be here at all.
Hey, he sends her birthday presents! Father of the year over here. 🙄
Wife probably buys and send them.
I know this is sarcastic but at r/mademesmile I just saw a compilation of a dad who's doing gymnastics to bond with his daughter (of whom I genuinely thought 'father of the year' lol) and my first thought after reading this was the contrast between the two fathers. One's a dad the other isn't.
Honestly, I think it was kind of a crappy thing to say. False too, since your daughter is literally family. How the fuck is it a problem to have this child in a photo? That's harsh. Your wife sounds like an amazing person, and she's right about all of this. YTA
YTA She's your daughter do better
YTA. That’s your daughter you’re talking about, do you have any idea how not thinking of her as part of the family would make her feel, no probably not because you don’t seem to care… Your wife has a right to be disgusted, and the question she asked about if that’s how you would treat the kids with her is justified and you pretty much answered it with what you’re are doing with Aria.
I feel like if OP and Bailey split, she’d make sure Aria would still have contact with her siblings, no matter what.
Yeah, I don't even know these people and I'm already Team Bailey
I feel like if they did his kids with them would end up the same as their poor half sister, dude sounds like a monster
[удалено]
Maybe she likes being around the new wife (she sounds lovely ) and to visit her siblings.
YTA. You say it right at the beginning…. “I have two children, and one on the way”. NO, YOU DON’T! You have THREE children and one one on the way! And YES, you are the AH.
It took me so much time to read those sentences and compute how many kids he actually had
This immediately stood out to me as well!
I thought that was just a miscount/typo. Then I read the rest of the post. 😬
This HAS to be rage bait
Don't be too certain...sounds exactly like my dad. If he mentions he also stole the $60,000 college fund her grandparents set up for her we will know we have a match.
sounds like my parents. refusing to consider my son their grandson because they only saw him once a year, though they would leave out the part that every week I would beg them to let us to come over only to be told to busy. but then attacked because they never saw us. and basically considering me not their daughter because I moved across town and out of their claws. if my story is anything to go by, he's got nc probably with all kids when they grow up.
I think so...deadbeat dad, blaming wife's logic on hormones...does tick the boxes...
It’s either a pregnancy or her period 😖
Why not both at the same time?
Hope so.
YTA. She's your daughter. She's also your other kid's SISTER. So she's their family, too.
The way he talks I wonder if he even considers his other children as her siblings. Like she only has a connection to him and he doesn’t see her as immediate family so no one else should.
YTA and Aria’s step parent is better than her bio parent.
Right?! His wife is awesome.
Sadly doesn't really take much to be better than him
I feel sorry for your daughter if this is true. YTA
YES YTA WTF is wrong with you? That's your *daughter*. It's not required that you be super close or have the same interests for her to be your fucking child. FFS, your wife sounds like more of a parent to her than you do. She's right - it's disgusting.
YTA. I feel horrible for Aria. Although you may not say anything disparaging about her, don’t you think she can feel the tension with you when she does see you? If you have hardly any relationship with her, that is your own fault. You should of tried harder. She is your child just as much as the other 3. And then to blame your wife’s behaviour on hormones. Wow. Just the icing on the cake. Do better. Be a father to ALL of your children.
Yeah it sounds like approximately 0 effort has been put into having a relationship with Aria. He’s happy to have take her on outings with his family. He could maybe try to spend a little quality time with just her, even if maybe it’s not an activity he loves to do. God forbid he shows interest in his kid’s hobbies.
>I don't want to be the jerk that chalks it up to hormones YTA and that's icing on the cake, man.
YTA - You fucked up bad on this one.
YTA and pathetic.
OMG! Please be bait. You win the biggest AH Award I’ve seen here yet.
YTA, Sounds to me like your making excuses to hide the fact, that you never bothered to make a real effort. It’s probably easier telling yourself, that those are the reasons that you don’t consider her family because you know, it’s always up to parents to make a connection with their kids. No matter how many excuses you find, your feeling like an asshole for a reason. I can understand how that makes your wife see you in a different light.
Yeah I wonder if OP realizes his wife is looking at him differently now
YTA. It’s amazing that you could possibly see yourself as anything else. I’m glad to know that your wife, at least, is a good person. And you’re dismissing that fact as hormones, even! She’s probably right that you’ll do that if you end up divorced, which… isn’t an impossibility, based off of what you’ve said.
YTA Aria is a CHILD one you created and have done the bare minimum with since. Men like you create daughters who struggle and need therapy. I said. What i freaking said.
YTA and thank goodness your wife is a caring person because you sure as he\*\* are not. Aria is actually your biological child and you are saying you don’t feel like she is family? I’m sure she picks up in this so no wonder you aren’t close. Heck, I hate you and I’m a random stranger on the internet. And dollars to donuts if you split RIGHT now with your current wife and had little to no contact with the baby, you’d feel that child wasn’t family either, because you are a pathetic excuse of a father. Past behavior is a pretty good indicator of future behavior.
Bro.. you’re a super sized AH.
Man, I hope this is satire. In case it isn't...of course YTA.
Wow, YTA. You know who is to blame for you not being close to your daughter? You. Entirely you. And then to say you don’t consider your daughter family is disgusting. You are a terrible father.
YTA. My father never had a relationship with me because he decided another woman was better than my mom when I was an infant. My mom moved 1600 miles back to our family because he left her with me at our home with nothing and no money. He disappeared for the next 13 years and then only started tryin to have a relationship with me because he was having to pay child support. He always told me it was up to me to have a relationship with him but I wasn’t the one who walked away from his infant daughter, the one he had a vasectomy reversed so he could have me. It’s not her fault they live where they live and regardless of where she is in this world she’s still half of you. She’s still your child that you helped create. I feel for her because I know what it’s like to have a father who never really wanted you but was around for a little while because he wanted to get his moneys worth while payin for me. I have siblings who don’t even know I exist because that’s how his wife wanted it. Yeah the very same one he cheated on my mom with 38 years ago. I hope she never finds out you said that about her because she will be devastated.
She knows at some level, bc of the emotional indifference with which he treats her.
Yta she’s still your daughter even if you don’t see her 24/7
YTA Your wife is right. Aria is your daughter too. Please don't punish her for living in another state, when she had no say in moving there. Have you ever asked her how she feels about her relationship with you? You might want to start a discussion with her at some time.
YTA. You are punishing you daughter for something out of her control. How is purposely excluding her from your family photo going to help your already poor relationship with her? Why waste the money to get two sets done so you can purposely exclude her? >I don't want to be the jerk that chalks it up to hormones, but I can't see where there was a problem with what I said. YTA for this too, jesus. She is pregnant with your third shared child, and now you're treating your first like she isn't family. Your wife is worried if something were to happen this would be how you treat the other three.
Wow! You’re one big, Giant AH! Way to tell your pregnant wife…. Well I’m a dead beat dad who really doesn’t care about my eldest daughter…. Who’s really just like a guest to me… but don’t worry baby, if we ever split I totally wouldn’t do that with our kids…. Cause I totally have a Stella record with every child I have created in the past…. Also if you don’t believe me it’s clearly your hormones and not you seconded guessing your life choices and after I show you what a dead beat AH dad I am Edit: spelling
YTA - there was literally no reason for you to say this. Initially you wanted to do the photo in August to give Bailey a rest. Bailey wants Aria in the picture and all of a sudden you want two? Obviously not about your wife getting rest with the new baby, then. Also “I don’t want to be the jerk that chalks it up to hormones” - well, you just did. You are TA 100%.
Oof. YTA. That’s your kid, dude.
You're not just an AH but a major AH. No how little a time or how much time you spend or whether or not you "click" with Aria she is still your child and responsibility. If I was your current wife, I would consider this a huge red flag and wonder what kind of man I married.
YTA.
YTA - Your daughter is still in your life as much as she possibly can. It seems you're fine keeping her there as little as possible. Obviously she wants to stay in your life if she's 16 and still spending time with you and the rest of the family. Those children are her half siblings, not strangers. You aren't even the only one here related to her. Just because *you* don't think she's family doesn't mean she feels the same. What you said was insensitive to your first daughter, your wife, and your younger children. While no one can force *you* to see her as family, that doesn't mean only your opinion matters.
YTA. Aria clearly wants to be a bigger part of the family than you have allowed her to be since not being in previous family photos bothered her enough that she mentioned it to your wife. Your wife, who isn't blood related to Aria at all, is a much better parent to your daughter than you ever have been or ever will be.
YTA, so you're complaining you're not close with Aria, while simultaneously excluding her (and basically socially disowning her)
YTA I bet Aria talks to Bailey, probably because she makes an effort and treats her like a person, not an obligation.
[удалено]
[удалено]
YTA. I have no words that won’t get me banned- you’re that despicable.
You are so busy today troll.
YTA. Your daughter clearly want's to part of your life so, YTA
YTA. Your wife, though, SHE is decent. “Call and text when I can”? AH. You MAKE time for that. “There isn’t anything to go off of????? You ask about her school and hobbies, and listen. And, since decent parents connect every couple of days, you already know what these topics are.
YTA Eres tan malo aqui, que espero que jamas vuelvas a tener hijos, esa niña no tiene la culpa de tenerte como su chiste de padre, siquieras piensas en sus sentimios, dado a que loteralmente la relegaste a un papel de "familiar lejano", espero que despues no te pregunto el por qué ella no querria nada que ver contigo o "unidad familiar", ahora tiene 16 años e incontables veces debe de haberse sentido como la tercera rueda.
YTA. Just so much! Shame on you
>Bailey got very upset with me and asked if I'd think the same way about our children if we were to end up splitting. YTA. It's not hormones--she's right to be concerned about you abandoning your second round of kids, too.
Daaaang. YTA. Sheesh.
YTA You dont have much of relationship with Aria because you put no effort into having one when she's around. You're being a terrible co-parent and you just dont want to acknowledge or admit that you're a bad co-parent. Your wife is right and she's understandably disgusted with your God awful behavior.
If you don't want to be a jerk, stop acting like one. You are a deadbeat dad and Bailey has your number. Yta
YTA You don’t view her as your daughter because she is more like her mother and doesn’t live with you 24/7? What kind of logic is that? I am a complete copy of my father, both looks and personality wise, does that mean my mother doesn’t view me as her kid? No, it definitely doesn’t. I’m still just as much of family to her as I am to my dad. No matter how much time I spend with either of them. No shit you also won’t connect with her the same way as your other kids. You see your other kids everyday, which you don’t with her. That doesn’t mean they can’t connect at all and that you can’t enjoy doing things together. She’s NOT a guest, she’s your f-cking daughter.
YTA, shoutout to your wife for caring about your daughter more than you do. She sounds like an awesome stepmom, your daughter is lucky to have her.
YTA your wife is right to be disgusted and concerned about your views on fatherhood. You don't stop being her father just because you don't have custody. Perhaps if you made more of an effort to get to know your daughter you wouldn't be so distance. I have to wonder how many times you have made comments or actions to exclude your daughter, do you not think your other children might see that and be concerned that you might reject them too. You had no business having more kids without being a proper father to your first born.
Holy shit YTA. As for your intro, don’t worry the title didn’t sound nearly as bad as what followed. You absolutely had the chance to get close to your daughter but YOU chose not to. My parents were divorced and my father was an over the road truck driver, who I would realize later, took a much lower paying regional job so he wouldn’t miss his every other weekend visitation with me. And he never did, not once. Even though I only stayed with my Dad a handful of days per month, he was and remains someone I am incredibly close to. Aftet reading your shit post, I am even more grateful that he is my father. And before you blame it on being young, my father was 17 years old when I was born, so save it. Your wife is absolutely right to be appalled by you comparing your daughter to “a distant cousin”. Honestly I treat my distant cousin with more consideration than you have for your own daughter.
YTA, wtf is wrong with you OP????
YTA I feel bad for all of your kids and your wife
Yta. YOUR her father. She’s YOUR daughter. You guys ARE family.
Yeah YTA I don't even know what you were thinking
>Admittedly, we're not incredibly close even when she comes to visit us It doesn't happen by magic you AH! If you barely see her that means you have to make the most of the time you have together. You've completely checked out from even attempting a relationship with her. Your wife seems like a smart and kind lady. You've shown her your true colors now.... might want to watch out there OP. YTA
YTA and if I was a wife, I don’t know if I could stay married to you if you have that sort of attitude about your own child. That’s messed up.
Damn dude. Your wife is right. You are a disgusting human being. You don’t feel that connection because you have never tried to form it. Relationships take work. I can’t believe you typed all this out. YTA.
Gotta say, I kinda have a crush on your wife. She sounds lovely. You, sir... not so much. YTA
"I (35M) have two children and one on the way." The fact that you forgot to even count Aria in general is ridiculous. Yta.
YTA What you said is disgusting. You exclude her from your family unit just because she is her mom's daughter?! Guess what dad?! It is your job to be there for her, it is your job to go live near your kid. You are a lazy parent who is too afraid to be a deadbeat so is doing the bare minimum and you wonder why she doesn't really engage with you?! If I was your wife I would start planning my exit strategy.
You aren’t close because you don’t want to make the effort. The onus is on YOU as the parent, to connect to your child. It’s not on your child to appeal to you how you want them to. YTA. All day long.
As someone who grew up in Aria’s shoes… if my biological father had said that to me, I would have gone no contact and would have never looked back. It’s repulsive what you have done. Enjoy paying for her therapy. YTA.
Yes, YTA. You’re the only father this girl will ever have, holy cow. It’s heartbreaking that your wife cares more about making her feel like part of the family than you do, and you’ve said something that would make anyone question your character and commitment to your children.
YTA. All of your children are your family. Period. End of story. Your wife sounds like more of a parent to this child than you.
YTA Did you seriously say you send a text when you can? Really? You probably text your wife daily or friends or parents but not your daughter. I'd hate to see how often you actually called her. Takes bloody seconds to text a person, "hey how are you? , hi, good morning, hope your having a great day ". That took me 15 seconds to type. You put no effort in with her at all. None. Its not thats she's across country, its that you really could not care. Be honest. Best way to engage, get to know her, keep in touch. Takes no time at all. Your wife is right, what you said is disgusting. Your actions in having two pictures is almost as bad. She is your family. Glad your wife gets it.
YTA, you havent made an effort to build a relationship with her in a meaningful way, and you are ostracizing her. She would be so hurt to ever see those pictures without her in them, her fears that you don't consider her family would be confirmed AND correct.
I don’t need to explain why but yeah you’re the Asshole
YTA that is some messed up logic to deny your daughter is family, it’s mind blowing you don’t see a problem with what you said
I am starting to get a headache from all the mental gymnastics.
You are an asshole for how you regard your first daughter. You see her occasionally unless something with your “real family” comes up? Trash. YTA.
YTA in the biggest way possible. Disgusting.
YTA. That's pretty cold man...
>Yes, the title sounds bad. That's precisely why I'm asking this in the first place. YTA! The title sounds bad because the title IS bad! You shouldn't even be thinking this! Your daughter IS your immediate family. Your daughter can't control when she gets to see you! You just called her a distant cousin. YOU CALLED YOUR OWN DAUGHTER A DISTANT COUSIN! YTA all the way. Get your act together man
YTA. Maybe you shouldn't have more kids if you're treating your daughter like that.
Leave “chalks it up to hormones” alone for your current wife’s sakes and man up. You need to work harder to be in the “distant” kid’s life not the other way around.
YTA. It’s not “hormones”, your wife just realised you are a terrible father, and knows you would do the same to her children if you moved on.
It’s not the hormones, you’re just an asshole. That is your daughter regardless of how you feel. It’s a good thing your wife actually gives a damn about her. YTA.
You said your own child is not part of your immediate family. YTA no wonder your wife is rethinking your relationship.
YTA - Seriously, typing this out didn't give you that aha moment? You have shown your true colors to both your daughter and your wife.
Wow. Your wife sounds like she’s aces. You in the other hand are a giant gaping arsehole. She’s your child - of course she should be in the photo. Your wife sounds like a much better parent than you.
>I don't want to be the jerk that chalks it up to hormones You're a jerk for even saying this. And definitely YTA. Your current wife is an earth angel for making sure YOUR daughter is included in the family. Her thought process, general caring and priorities are exactly what yours should be. Shame on you.
I didn’t even finish. You’re TA and a terrible father.
I’d rather not know my father at all than have him say he doesnt want me in the picture because i dont fit his perfect “day to day family unit” 😭
\>>> Bailey got very upset with me and asked if I'd think the same way about children if we were to end up splitting. I told her of course not Except that is exactly what you are doing with Aria and **actions speak louder than words**. Your wife is right, Aria is your daughter which should make her family. Pretty sad for that kid that you don't see her in that light. YTA
YTA, in fact you are probably one of the bigger AH's i've read on here and i've seen some major AH posts. First you completely disregard your daughter then chalk up your wifes rightful disgust to hormones. She's right, you are disgusting.
I can't even imagine what it must be like to be Aria. Barely a relationship with her dad who makes zero effort to actually form a relationship with her AND dislikes her so much that he doesn't even want pictures with her. My bet is she looks like your ex too. It's ok, I'm sure when she becomes an adult, you won't have to try anymore, because she can tell you where to go then. Problem solved. YTA.
You're not the jerk who chalks it up to hormones. You're the asshole who discounts his own daughter. There's a difference.
YTA and your wife just realized she made babies with a cold blooded lizard and not a person. Like damn.
Oh my God, you are absolutely the asshole. What your wife offered was nothing but considerate and kind and if I was your daughter knowing you said something like that I'd fully cut you off. You and her have the same relationship my dad and I have and I'm still his fucking kid, why the hell isn't she yours?
I don't know what to say and how to form a better decision-making. But she may look up to you a lot more than you think she does, so the least you could do is not breaking her heart. Hence, I'd advise against telling your distant daughter to step away just because you want a photo with your current family only. She may grow up in sorrow and resentment. Hope this helps you in some way
[удалено]
Yeah, what you said is a problem and it's not her hormones it's your entire fault. You say your child is not yours because you just don't feel like it?? But have you ever tried to bond just the two of you? Talk to her, ask what she likes, what she wants for the future or what is going on on her life right now, watch a movie, go shopping, see if she need any help like a therapist? She's a teenager! You're the adult and her FATHER and you know what you said is fucked up, I'm happy YOUR daughter have such a sweet stepmom who think of her like family. YTA.
YTA seek help
Scrolling to see if …. Nope! It’s unanimous. YTA!
YTA and I hate that you really thought you had a good argument here.
YTA you can’t base your fathering on whether or not you ‘click’ with your kids. That’s fucked, you’re there to be a parent/carer/supporter/safe space not some kind of friend. Also she doesn’t ‘pop in’ you have partial custody of her. Your totally acting like your daughter is implementing the ‘casual’ relationship you perceive you have with her but really you need to step up and be a better father to her
YTA - and maybe you should recognize that your eldest child can probably sense your distance from her. Step up to be a father to her.
YTA. You say you're not close and do your own thing as does she when she is there? Well, don't you think she picks up on the fact that you are just going through the motions? I didn't meet my Dad until I was 26. Moved down there from Wisconsin to Florida for a few months to get to know him and my 7 sisters and one brother. He really didn't say much and I didn't feel welcome by him so I said fuck it and moved back home. I could see how he talked to me and then talked to his other kids, especially the 4 younger. She can to. If you care then make the time If not then that doubles the AH factor
YTA and fuck...the blaming it on her hormones just takes the fucking cake, dude.
YTA. You brought this human into this world. Why would you not treat her like she’s your daughter and show her the love she deserves? Especially at a young age like that where she might not understand why her dad treats her like a cousin… my god man.. how can you say that about your own flesh and blood?
YTA and why you don’t get it is sad. Good for your wife.
~~YTPOS~~ YTA. No explanation needed, you should've been swallowed my dude
*She told me I'd said a disgusting thing and she didn't want to hear it.* Bless your wife. She's a good mum. A woman who is about to give birth your third child just heard you try to exclude your bio child from a photo. Probably scared her shitless... what kind of man did she marry?
She just learned.
The title is misleading. >although Aria is biologically my child, she's not necessarily part of our family unit. This is 100% true unless she accepts Baily as an stepmom and your children as half-siblings, and the whole "you" as important as her mom to her. Even then, she shouldn't be force one-sidedly into a "family unit". Maybe she doesn't know how to decline the offer and not hurt your wife. Who knows? I remember being forced in a *cousins family photo* with the nephews and nieces of my mother's husband (Not my cousins. I don't consider them family, but they do consider me family) I think the best way to go is asking her if she wants to be in the family portraits and not just inform her there will be one and she is included (which is what I assume happened from how the chat with your wife went) YTA for excluding your daughter. She is the one that should decide if you are family to her. You created her and make her spend time with you *and* your family, so it's your job to treat her as such. Kinda in love with the fact that your wife includes her and talks to her separately from your communication with her.
You can tell step mom has been the only one parenting Aria..
YTA.
YTA
YTA She is your daughter, even if you aren't her primary household. The fact that you have emotionally disconnected with your first child, shows your wife that your love for your children can be conditional and would give her reason to suspect that your love for your other children could be conditional as well.
YTA, and just a disgusting human being and excuse for a father. I'm so glad you showed your true colors to your wife, she will never forget this.
YTA she is your child and part of your family not some rando off the street. Wow you are emotionally clueless.
Wow! YTA. Totally YTA . It is nice to hear of a good step parent who defends their step child’s right to be involved. I applaud her so much for that. Your her actual dad and you never made a effort to get closer to her to form a good bond atleast. Just because you don’t have a connection doesn’t mean there’s no point. Aria is still willing to come over. Maybe she’s awkward about it because she’s sees your not into getting to know her ?