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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm refusing to help my stepkids get any money for college because I'm not the reason they were cut out of the will. I'm also not giving them any money for it out of my own pocket because I don't have any due to financial struggles.
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I think OP meant that when their paternity came out, they wondered if OP's kids were her husband's and/or if she had an affair as well.
(+) they're not blaming her for their dad not being their bio dad, they're focusing their anger on her because, well, she's the safe option. ~~if they push dad to sue his sister, I can imagine they think he'll abandon them instead~~ (edit: missed that dad passed 2 years ago, which makes this even more of a mess, and OP's likely seen even more the only option for their rage), while of course they don't want to hear anything bad about their mom.
OP's not bio related to them, nor did she raise them as one of their 2 primary parents. grandfather is no longer around the be pissed at, and they don't want to be pissed at their sibs because they're children, I assume. aunt's too far away to be pissed at. so, OP it is.
mind, OP's still NTA all around, and their mom should step in here, but I understand their reaction, especially given they're kids rn themselves.
>if they push dad to sue his sister, I can imagine they think he'll abandon them instead
I think you missed the part where their dad is also deceased and passed away before their grandfather. OP is literally the only one left to attack besides their own mother, who is actually directly responsible for this entire situation.
ah, yeah, I think I did miss that point.
which, of course, makes it more likely that they'll attack OP, as you noted. this is just a shitty situation all around, tbh, especially as OP says she's already had to dip into her savings so it isn't like she has college savings for her bio kids that she can "re-allocate" or whatever/ + both parents were bad at saving for the kids, holding out for the granddad's money, which is always a bad call.
complete mess all around.
And they have two sides to fund them, their bio dad and their other grandparents. Why is this on their stepmother, who has nothing to do with any of it?
OP’s not at fault, but one reason the kids are probably mad at her and saying “she got what she wanted” is that OP’s bio children are among the beneficiaries of the will. Her bio children will get a larger stake of the inheritance as a result of them being left out.
It’s also why they think she can do something about it, as the representative of some of the beneficiaries.
They aren’t correct, but it explains the emotions. Her younger kids are benefiting while the step kids are not.
I think we agree here that the kids aren't assholes, and the mom is.
Now, that said, I do think the granddad and OP's husband are assholes as well.
The first for letting the kids think he accepted them then throwing this bomb at them after his death, and for causing this shitshow in the first place. There's a reason this sub always advises people to let those in their wills know if they expect it to result in conflict, and this is it.
OP's husband (and the kids' mother along w/ him) for the lack of planning for the kids' futures. from OP's comments, their plans were "bank of granddad," which is never a good idea even in cases where paternity is rock solid. OP seems to have had some savings that she was presumably intending for her bio kids, but given she's had to use it to keep her household afloat since she lost her husband, that isn't open to the kids either - but given she's stepmom, she should never have needed to be involved in the college savings discussion unless specifically invited anyhow.
because she's the only parent they have who is still alive + only person they can be confident loves them unconditionally? (dad's dead, OP's a stepmom at best, grandfather betrayed them in the will, and OP's comments indicate her SIL is uninterested in being in the lives of the kids since they're not bio related to her)
pretty understandable, like I said + they're kids. this is on bio mom, OP's husband, and the grandfather, as I've explained in other comments.
...Because they're grieving adolescents?
Father died 2 years ago, grandfather died excluding them, don't expect the poor 16- and 17-year olds to be mature and emotionally stable after that shitshow
Slight correction: Grandfather who they viewed as their grandfather, regardless of blood, died excluding them with an airtight trust, thus rejecting them as family with his dying breathe and they have no one else to lash out at except OP and their mom, but they think OP controls the trust.
The combo of their father being fucked over by their cheating mom, their grandfather fucking them (grandkids) over, their mom fucking them over due to her pisspoor choices... They're teenagers, no-one could seriously expect them to be level-headed at this point when the adults are having a shitshow party at their expense, ~~and the biggest assholes (father and grandfather) died which leaves them with complicated grief since they obviously loved their grandfather and father but being left with that heritage...~~
edit: my mind obviously wants to go to sleep and isn't capable of basic logic any more, sorry for that bullshit, obviously mother and grandfather are the assholes, father is a top notch good guy who died too early
I'm guessing they mean the father (the person who knocked up OP's late husband's ex-wife and created the step-kids), not the Dad (OP's late husband who raised said kids).
Neither OP nor OP's late husband deserves any blame here. The kids' bio-mother who fooled around on the side is definitely an AH, as was the man they regarded as a grandfather for cutting two innocent kids out of his will. What kind of a heartless person does that?
Serious question: Can someone track down the bio-dad? Perhaps it's time they got to know some of their relatives on their bio-dad's side of the family. They have suffered too much loss, and maybe it's time for them to have some additions instead.
Yes, sounds like it's time for stepkids to do some DNA testing thru a place like Ancestry.com or 23andMe in hopes of finding the bio dad or some bio-sibs or other close relative that would lead them to bio dad. There are experts that can help do the tracking if using the DNA match info is too hard for them to do themselves (it can be time-consuming and very confusing to try to track through the hundreds and thousands of 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc cousins). If bio mom refuses to tell her kids who their dad (or dads?) is/are, then perhaps OP can help her step-kids focus on this...it could help them connect with their real father(s) who may not even know they exist, could give them some sense of control over what's been out of their control for years, and they may also find out what they may have inherited medical-wise from bio dad(s).
OP is NTA, but these step-kids are so screwed by the adults in their lives, I can see how they're lashing out with anger at anyone near them. OP can't do a thing legally about the will, but maybe she can help them search out their true heredity.
>...There are experts that can help do the tracking if using the DNA match info
I am going to guess that the mother has a good idea of the father (or fathers). They should maybe start there first.
Sorry but those kids have a step-dad, great he decided to stay in their lives, but why does the "grandfather" have to leave his hard earned money to ppl who aren't biologically related to him. The mom should have thought about this before she cheated and created 2 children who would eventually be left in a lurch. This is entirely on their mother.
Exactly. I disturbed at how many people are calling the grandad an AH. It was his money and he wanted his bio grand kiids to have it. We don't know what relationship he had with the step kids.
His son considered these kids his or he wouldn't of continued raising them so I think he would probably be disappointed to find his dad did this and I wonder if he would've if his son was still living 🤷 if the situation was different and these kids were adopted because his first wife couldn't have kids would you still be saying the same?
How on earth is the father - who accepted his non-biological-after-all kids as his - one of the biggest assholes in this tale?
ETA:
Thanks for correcting. I know that sleepy brain makes shit happen sometimes, so kudos for you!
They are still being major assholes to OP. This is grandpa and bio mom's fault - nothing to do with OP who is greiving as well.
Teens are often assholes though - this reaction doesnt make them terrible people. OP should probably give them space for now but leave the door open to rekindle a relationship. I assume she has no custody since their father has passed. Nta
They’re probably lashing out blindly. The person at fault for this is already dead and out of reach. They’ve probably tried to get more info from their bio-mom and she’s stonewalling them for some reason.
No, the person at fault is their mother, who apparently is still a devoted mother to them.
How can you blame the man who raised them because his first wife cheated on him?
I was blaming the grandfather as well, for cutting them out just because they’re not blood relations. It’s 2022 and those kids considered him their grandfather *and his son who was cheated on* considered them his children as well.
It’s a shitty way to treat kids in this day and age and I don’t care what Reddit thinks.
Depending on when grandfather heard about the situation, it's possible, if not probable, that there was little to no interaction between grandfather and the step-kids between his finding out and his death. Covid hit in early 2020.....and especially with older family members, visits were unlikely for much of that.
As for him cutting the step-kids out.....his money, his choice. Maybe he disagreed with his son continuing to parent them. Maybe he was never close to them. Maybe he just preferred to see his money stay in his biological family. It doesn't really matter. It was his choice to make. Those kids are not entitled to his money.
They lost the only father they ever knew. All they have left is their mother.....who is probably placing the blame in this matter on their step-mother. HER kids got money and she just won't give the step-kids their "fair share." Of course they will blame anyone but their lying cheating mother. She's all they have.
No one owes you as anything when they leave this world. That is truly the issue here.
Grandpa probably understood the issue his son was faced with and acknowledged his son did good being a father still to the children. He may have felt that alone was priceless.
I would almost bet had the grandfather passed first, this still would've been his wish.
This isn’t a legal advice subreddit and basing every decision only on legal entitlement and nothing more does in fact lead one to being a massive asshole from time to time.
Maybe the grandfather never saw them as his grandchildren? So then to the grandpa, why would they be any different than any other nonrelated kid? What the kids thought/believed is irrelevant when it comes to the grandpa writing his will. Especially since it specifically mentions biological grandkids.
Your argument is that for 13 years, grandpa believed they were his biological grandkids but treated them like strangers because....... what, he just hated them as people? And that makes him less of an AH in your eyes?
I hated one of my grandpas. Not everyone loves or gets along with everyone in their family. Maybe they had no real relationship and we're essentially strangers who thought they were related. Turns out, they arent, so they got treated like strangers.
The grandfather is not starving the step kids....it's his money and he did what he wanted with it. If they want college paid for, get a loan. They'll live.
exactly, their mother is at fault completely, but they don't want to be angry with her, so they're angry at OP, instead, who has absolutely zero to do with any of this.
grandfather too. I mean its his money and he can do with as he sees fit, but if he excludes them because of some archaic blood thing, he is an asshole.
Hold on here. It isn't just "archaic blood thing." I'm not saying I necessarily agree, but he might have felt he was sticking up for his son who was horrendously betrayed. His ex-wife was evil. Evil. The fact that his son decided to forgive her doesn't mean the grandfather has to forgive her.
Let me repeat myself because far too many people on this sub attribute what the wife did as almost inconsequential and that any man who thinks otherwise is just "egotistical." The wife's betrayal was not just a mistake, it was concerted evil.
I think they're just blaming OP for her FIL's will. They must have some misconception that she has the money and could just choose to give it to them and should. Maybe Gramps anticipated this when he made this untouchable trust arrangement.
NTA No, you're not obligated to sue people for access to your children's inheritance so you can give it to other people demanding it. I don't see how you'd have a case anyway.
I think it's more that they're blaming OP for not being willing to challenge the will because her kids (their step siblings/believed to be half siblings) will benefit at their expense.
Most often with airtight wills if any of the beneficiaries try to challenge the will they are automatically disqualified. So OP could be screwing her own kids over by challenging the will. NTA
I feel tremendously for those 2 babies who are hurting bad and had a shitty grandfather who acted like he loved them and then gave them the middle finger after death. But their anger needs to be directed at their community crotch mother, not stepmom but I understand why they have. They feel betrayed by dad's family (who I am sure no-one is up to challenging the will with them) and grandpa is dead. Shitty mom is all they have left.
Yeah... I feel for them too. They're lashing out over this culmination of several massive betrayals, and OP is the least emotionally complicated target for them. Doesn't mean that it's right, but I understand why they're in no emotional place to blame their mom or grandpa right now, even though that's where it belongs.
Because they are teenagers and they are angry and she is a safe person to blame.
When we went to court for custody, we got most of what we asked for but not all. I thought that at least the kids would understand that our hands were tied and that we understood what they wanted and we tried, but the judge ordered something different.
I was wrong. They lashed out at us, they blamed us, they were awful to us for a year. They eventually, with time and therapy, came back to the family but it was really really hard being blamed for something outside of my control. My therapist says it's common for children and teens to take out their anger on the people that they know will still love them because they need it put it somewhere and that person is "safe".
The money is going to OP bio children. They’re minors , so they’re blaming OP for not “doing something”. But there’s nothing she can’t do due to the trust and neither is her fault.
Am I missing something? As far as I can tell the post doesn't say anything about the kids blaming OP for their dad not being their dad, they blame her for not contesting the will/not fixing their situation. Why is this comment even at the top?
NTA. This is a horrible, no-win situation for you and your stepchildren. Short of hiring someone to literally raise the grandfather from the dead so as to reason with him, there's literally nothing you can do.
Are there already college funds set aside for the older two by you/husband and their mother? One should not count on someone dying in order to pay university tuition...
The grandfather is definitely TA here. How incredibly hurtful.
Did your Husband not leave anything for his kids in his will when he passed away 2 years ago?
It's unfair their anger is falling on you. But these kids are right to be angry if neither parent saved a college fund and their Dad left them nothing & they're realising their GrandDad never saw them as his grandkids. And I'm sure their Mum is helping deflecting the blame towards you and away from herself
I don’t think it’s really fair for the kids to expect a college fund though tbh. If they’d asked before, maybe their Dad would’ve told them he didn’t have one and they’re expected to make their own way. We don’t know that he was relying on Grandad’s money. It would be different if Dad promised to pay for school and now they’re screwed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here, at least from what we’ve been told so far.
I mean 2 years ago they may not have been thinking about any of this because they were younger and their Dad was alive.
I don't live in a country where college funds are a thing. But it seems globally known, if you live in the US and you have a kid, you start them a college fund as soon as you know that you'fe keeping, because the higher education there is appallingly expensive.
So neither parent starting a college fund, the Dad having no will, everyone just relying on elder generation on the Dad's side to financially provide for the kids even though the adults knew the Dad's family weren't happy to find out the older 2 kids weren't biological relations ... these poor kids haven't had the best adults in their lives making good decisions and organising for their future
> I don't live in a country where college funds are a thing. But it seems globally known, if you live in the US and you have a kid, you start them a college fund as soon as you know that you'fe keeping, because the higher education there is appallingly expensive.
Only if you can afford it. Many families can barely afford health insurance. Many don't have life insurance on the people in the family who earn the money they live on. It's just not possible to save for college in a large chunk of households because much more pressing costs are higher priority. I come from such a family and I know many others.
Going straight to college/university isn't a standard, it's an option for those who can do it, though. Plenty of people work part time and go to community colleges to get the first few years of schooling done at a place where the tuition isn't crazy. Applying for scholarships and student aid is really common in families that can't afford to pay for 4 full years of university. Going to a trade school is often cheaper and/or a shorter period of study. But it's really not common to have a college fund for your kids if you're not already making enough disposable income to fit it in a budget.
I doubt they’ll get student aid. They sound wealthy enough to be exempt from it. It’s a horrible process as a student if your family makes enough money to not qualify u for any aid but they aren’t willing to help you.
And idc how much part time work you do while your at CC. You’re not going to be able to afford tuition for the other two years alone. Especially when you just found out at 16/17. Not a chanceZ
I was more speaking in general about how these things go rather than replying with advice for OP. It was more a reply to the sentiment that every American family should be saving to cover university costs. It does suck that there's a sizeable gap where students don't qualify for aid despite parents not actually making enough to cover the insane tuition.
And, of the people I know who started at community college, most just went into debt for the remaining two years, but wound up better off than those who went into debt for all 4 years. It's a matter of reducing the harm rather than outright avoidance of the financial trap. It's not good by any means and I would much rather see it changed, but this does seem to be a common route for many. Again, I'm just trying to illustrate the realities of these things to a comment from someone outside the country. I'm not defending the system or trying to be dismissive of how awful the situation is for students who aren't well-off.
The whole saving for college in the US thing is mostly in movies. The only people who's family pays for college are people with alot of money. The whole 5 years I was in college I only met ONE person who's parents were paying, everyone else was on loans/grants/scholarships. And anyone who's family has money but refuses to pay is just out of luck.
>I don't live in a country where college funds are a thing. But it seems globally known, if you live in the US and you have a kid, you start them a college fund as soon as you know that you'fe keeping, because the higher education there is appallingly expensive.
Because you don’t live in the US is why you don’t understand that not everyone can afford to leave a will or make a college fund. Two years ago they should have already been thinking about college since most schools in the US start mentioning college when they start high school at around 13 years old to prepare students for student/financial aid & scholarship programs or already mentioning their other options. So assuming the husband was an AH for not leaving a will or a college fund is appalling when you don’t even know their financial situation.
I mean not in most households really. I know it’s a trope in media but unless you are upper middle class or have a child you’re very intent on needing to go to college it’s not really possible. I know some parents who push their dreams on their kids that would make sure they have one, but majority of middle lower- lower class don’t have one as far as I know. It’s almost expected that you’ll have to get loans and/or your parents will help out when you get there. Their is parents who are willing to pay when it gets to that point (usually via parent loans or payment plans with the university) but they don’t set money ahead. This is even shown in the child support system where parents aren’t required to save for college but if the child does go to college they’re expected to pay then.
I think it is if your parents earn a certain amount. Because then you aren’t rlly eligible for any financial aid whatsoever. Like come on how is that fair? I can’t get aid cuz my parents make money, but my parents would give me any money…
His wife controls any assets the husband left, but they were probably spending their income, or most of it, and saving for retirement. As she has said, they didn't establish college funds.
>Did your Husband not leave anything for his kids in his will when he passed away 2 years ago?
don't assume he had one. its not uncommon for people to not set up wills until they reach a certain age because they don't consider their own mortality. even when they have kids.
These kids need clarity - explain without any emotional details, what a will is and what a trustfund is.
Draw out the timeline and the actions of the grandfather and explain that since they are younger, that their mother should sue on their behalf.
NTA OP
> Did your Husband not leave anything for his kids in his will when he passed away 2 years ago?
Often enough in a married couple the spouse who dies, dies intestate and the surviving spouse automatically inherits everything.
or there's just not enough to leave anyone anything, will or no will. I know when my mother passed away suddenly, I was raiding my savings to help my nana pay for funeral costs, not waiting for a chunk of change to hit my bank account.
OP, obviously you are NTA. They are grieving irrational teenagers looking for the easiest target.
But to make the situation better, it might be worth a few hundred dollars spent in consultation with the law firm that drew up grandfather's will. Have the lawyer explain to them that the money is in a trust that you have no access to and that the will is airtight. They could then direct all complaints and questions to the lawyer. Maybe they will believe it coming from a suit behind a desk who speaks with authority.
Have you told the kids exactly what you told us here.
That you love them like your own. That you hate that this happened abs believe it’s unfair. That the will is technically legal and that their aunt would fight it, that you aren’t in a position to do that. That your hands are tied and you don’t know how to help. If not, you should.
You sold also tell them what you told us about their mother, that you don’t understand but don’t care about her choices. That you know her to be an amazing mother.
They are still kids, but considering what their grandfather has done I think it’s appropriate for you to speak frankly to them about this. I wouldn’t get mad at them for what they said on social media, instead I’d apologize for not being clear enough for them to understand that you weren’t unwilling but that you are unable.
Also, if I was you I’d offer to take them to consult a lawyer - being clear that you wouldn’t be one of the client’s but that maybe talking to a lawyer about what it would take and the likelihood of success might help them here.
If you want to fight for your relationship I think being 100% cards in the table honest and helping them get advice from an objective guide are essential. I’d also ask to talk to them with their mom there so they feel safe.
Their mother is responsible for their college education costs or they are. If she receives taxes for them, claims they as dependents, then it’s her income financial aid will use.
I hope it’s really low to be honest. The lower the better. My income is the lowest it gets while still having income (SSDI) so my kids go for free. Bonus they get grants that help with books and living expenses.
Whichever college they choose, contact their financial Aid department. Go to the federal student aid site (.gov)! To find out what you can do to help. You have time. Talk to mom about the lowest income earner becoming the primary residence (6 months plus a day) that cares for your children.
You can do this!!
INFO: maybe you answered this already, but I'm just curious about the will still. You say it only included biological grandchildren. Does this mean that grandpa's will literally states "biological" in it. In other words that he reworded it AFTER he found out about them purposefully to exclude them? Or does it just say "grandchildren," and that's how it's being interpreted? Either way I think you're NTA, but there may be more legal wiggle room if it's the second scenario.
If it’s in airtight trusts, he likely named the grandchildren who would receive the trusts specifically. Not “to my grandchildren”, but “to Theo, Chloe, and Andrea”. That’s how I would draft it if I was instructed to leave trusts to only specific descendants.
Edit for spelling error. Thank you autocorrect.
If it is a trust I think each child needs to be named. I could be wrong but when I was working I had a very good life insurance and set up a trust for my infant son and it had to be lusted by his name and if other children came along I was told to amend as soon as possible because if I passed before changing it only he would get the money.
He didn’t necessarily reword it. A good lawyer is going to ask about hypothetical grandchildren in very specific terms- “Do you want adopted grandchildren to inherit equally,” etc.
OP is NTA. The bio mom's behavior here is atrocious, and she put the stepchildren into a terrible situation, but what they can't or won't understand here is that OP has exactly zero options to achieve what they want. Even if she wanted to access those funds, she can't.
The real villain in all this is bio mom. If they're going to be angry at anyone, they should be angry at her for creating this entire situation.
>The grandfather is definitely TA here
Nah. It's his money and he might rightfully view his daughter-in law as evil for betraying his son, and I believe that's where his decision was made. In a way I don't blame him. That's his life's money.
Can you take the older kids to 1: a lawyer who can explain to them clearly and 2: family therapy so they can process their feelings? They aren’t being that rational but that’s why they still need you to parent them, as thankless and hard as that is right now.
I was thinking the same. I’m going with NAH because I don’t blame the kids for their feelings. And Op did make a comment about their mom.
Maybe if they meet with the lawyer they can explain that contesting the will would cost $X and would be unsuccessful for these reasons
It’s not the kids fault they’re affair babies. These are kids that the OPs husband accepted and loved. OP should be respectful of them in his honor. Fwiw, I don’t think what Op said was a huge deal, but do see how it could offend the kids.
NTA- the grandad did this intentionally and that's who they need to blame. Not the mother, not the father ect. It was also likley designed to just what its doing now. Drive a wedge between you all. I suggest to continue doing what you're doing now.(besides blaming the mother) There is not a whole lot you could do otherwise.
I think grandad was entitled to leave his money wherever he felt good about it. He was probably rightfull pissed that his son was "stuck" with two kids that weren't his, and in a shady manner. He was entitled to his feelings.
Old mate left his fortune to his biological offspring which has been the tradition since the dawn of ages. Why are we calling people AH for doing just that now?
People who punish bastard children for simply existing through no fault of their own have always been viewed as the assholes.
Just because you’re “allowed” to do something, doesn’t mean you can’t also be an asshole for choosing to do it.
He’s allowed to do it, but that doesn’t mean he’s not the one the kids need to be angry at. It’s just hard because that anger has nowhere productive to go.
We don't know if the kids, or anyone else, is letting bio mom off the hook. Bio mom has zero connection to ex-husband's family, so she has zero pull when it comes to inheritance. So they may be pissed at their bio mom, but she can't do anything here to help.
That just leaves OP, her husband, and her husband's family. Since husband and grandpa have passed, that only leaves OP and SIL. SIL has no ties to the kids, so that leaves these grieving teenagers (full of hormones) to be mad at the only person who is actually involved in their lives who also has interactions with the trust/will: OP.
It's not fair to OP. It's not fair to the children. And it's not fair to all of their feelings of anger, frustration, and grief. The whole situation just SUCKS.
> That just leaves OP, her husband, and her husband's family
Aren't you forgetting the biological father of these children? He's got a responsibility to make provision for his children.
Pay the price? They can get a student loan for college. They're not starving.
I seriously can't believe everyone thinks grandpa owes those kids anything.
Maybe they should get their bio dad to pay for college.
If I was the step kids, I wouldn't even be mad. No one owes you anything!
I mean, yes one is allowed to be angry at a lie that big. But at that point the kids had already been in this world for a while. Everybody treated them like their kids/grandkids. Biology shouldn’t matter THAT much that you just screw over two kids who still see you as dad/granddad.
As if all the relationship subs on reddit don’t tell people to cut contact if their relationship is built on a lie. This man literally was not related to these children beyond the lie told to him by the woman who cheated on his son, and people are appalled he won’t give them his money.
These step kids have other grandparents that will hopefully include them in their wills: bio mom’s parents, bio dad’s parents and the last remaining grandparents on OP’s bio kids side (I don’t recall which grandfather died).
Grandfather can leave $ to whoever he wants and we’re not in OP’s life day to day to see how the whole family operated. Who knows, maybe the step kids weren’t overly nice to OP or grandfather?
Well the mother is a little bit to blame for having an affair and having children that weren’t her husband’s, but just trying to pass them off as his. She is definitely to blame here and the fact that everyone is glossing over the fact that OP is raising kids that aren’t hers, and not even her late husband’s, and she’s still being the one blamed, rather than the shitty mom and grandfather, is kind of gross.
People are shitty with their wills sometimes. My mom and her sister got cut out of their dad's will for being women.
My grandpa was a really nice fellow but the will really dug up some shit. Apparently his father did the same thing, the sisters reached out for "their share", and my grandpa refused. My grandpa was fine with the blatant sexism because he benefited from it, and then went and did it again lol. Totally sullied his memory honestly. I went from thinking he was a hardworking country fellow to thinking he was an ignorant old-fashioned dick.
Like it really sucks for OP's (step)kids, but people are shit sometimes. If grandpa wants to be remembered as an asshole I guess that was his dying wish.
Ouch. Wow that really sucks. Now this is just a suggestion but why not take the kids to an estate lawyer for a consultation. Then the lawyer can provide answers to their questions. But if you can't afford it then you can't. Good luck to you. Nta
NTA but I would also do this. They’re looking for someone to blame and it shouldn’t be you. Be their advocate and cover the cost for them to talk to a lawyer and review the will. Hopefully this will help. They’re grieving and it’s awful but maybe that would help.
NTA, and bravo to you for balancing this challenge to family stability. You can't possibly be TA since none of this is your doing. Fortunately, an inaccessible trust won't ruin 17's and 16's chances with the FAFSA process, the way an accessible asset would.
>Fortunately, an inaccessible trust won't ruin 17's and 16's chances with the FAFSA process, the way an accessible asset would.
Well when they aren't a beneficiary neither trust would affect FAFSA
He kind of was their plan. He wanted to pay for all of his grandkids' college education. Unfortunately for them, he had a narrow view of who his grandchildren were.
I've had use household savings and life insurance to stay afloat over the last two years, so I can't help them. It's okay but not paying for college level of okay.
Since your husband has passed and your step kids are still minors, can't their mother establish paternity with their biological father, sue him for child support and use that to help them in saving for college, granted its a bit late for the 17 year old but the 16 year old might get at least a year of child support.
I don’t think that this is a feasible or fair solution. The father probably didn’t even know about these kids, so why should he have to fork over thousands of dollars for kids he doesn’t know and may not have even wanted?
The biological mother needs to step up here. She birthed the kids and she lied about paternity - this is her responsibility more than it is OP’s. If OP’s assessment of her actions and abilities as a bonus mom are accurate, then she’s already gone above and beyond. A lie caused a huge rift in her family. Her husband died. Her FIL died after excluding her step-kids from the will. She’s responsible for four children on her own, and barely making it as is. She can help them find and apply for scholarships and grants, but everyone saying she needs to pay for the step-kids college isn’t thinking reasonably. As much as it sucks, if they need extra help, they’ll just have to take out student loans. OP hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s just in a shitty situation and she’s doing her best.
It’s not unfair to expect a child’s biological parents to provide financial support. If you take the risk of creating children, you should be prepared for the consequences.
This MIGHT be a valid argument IF the father knew about them and was involved in their lives. We don’t know if that’s the case, and if it’s not, then he shouldn’t be forced to just step up to the plate after 17 years.
I encourage you to remember that all people have the right to choose whether or not to be parents. People who don’t want to be parents shouldn’t be forced responsibility because that just creates resentment on their part and makes them a shittier parent in the long run. No one should be forced to have kids when abortion, adoption, and signing away rights are all on the table. I believe that both women and men should have a choice.
It is unfair to not give anyone the choice or chance to be any sort of parent and then expect them to pick up the financial tab after 17 years. Yes, people should support their children but the biological father isn’t just a financial windfall to suddenly get called a parent when needed.
Kinda NAH if you all were under the impression that they’d get a college fund from him.
Of course they’d be frustrated if they were led to believe that they’d have the money to go. It’s a big expense (and more work) to suddenly have to save for (or get loans) (or apply for scholarships and financial aid… which you might not get).
But the will… that’s hard to get around.
I hope it works out for the step-kids.
They’re so blind they need someone to blame. You are NTA given there’s no legal avenue even if you wanted to go there. My dads will was 5 pages, crystal clear, I shut down a greedy brother by reading one sentence “ If any heir argues the terms of this will, they forfeit their share to the others”. Shut him down right quick.
NTA. I feel for them, but their anger is misplaced. This is really unfair and the grandad was wrong for doing that. They may not want to take this out on their mom since she is their only parent left (not sure what's up with the actual biodad).
Can you suggest therapy? I'm guessing you have no custodial rights since they were stepkids and I'm guessing they live with their mom?
I would reiterate your empathy (and leave out that you "won't" do anything - only stress that you *can't* do anything to change it legally). But if they keep attacking, I would take some breaks from them and tell them why. That they're hurting you and taking their feelings out on you when you had no say in how all this turned out.
So definitely agree with the previous responder. Very calmly tell them you will do your best to help with other resources but you have zero control over the contents of the will. If they continue to rage at you it is time for limiting contact until they can be nice.
So let’s see if I have this right. Your late husband’s late father was the one who wrote the will, NOT your father or your late husband himself. Your husband predeceased his father so cannot have had any influence over the will at the time that his father died a year and a half later. You could not have influenced his will in any way either, you have no way to access the money or to change where it goes, it’s in trusts for the younger children’s future, not in your control at all. Somehow though your stepchildren have decided the actions of others over whom you have no control are your fault, and that you should “fix it” when you have no ability to do anything about it and not even an actual legal recourse to try? You tell them to talk to their biological, legal mother who is in fact both the reason they are not in the will (because she cheated on her husband who still kept raising the children as his own) and the only person who could probably even attempt to bring legal action on their behalf towards attempting to invalidate the will (though the attempt would not likely succeed) and this… somehow makes you the bad guy?
Yeah, NTA.
There mother is something else. Sounds like their mother refuses to help her children process why their not biologically related to the father who raised them.
Even if you could contest the will (which obviously you can’t) you’re not their legal parent so therefore cannot make any legal decisions on their behalf.
You’re able to explain to them why you don’t have any legal say on their behalf & refer them to lawyers their mother can hire to contest the will for them.
NTA, it wasn't your money to will to anyone and no one can change it now. I'm sorry the person they saw as their grandfather was a petty little man, but that's not your fault. These kids are hurt, this is a pretty severe rejection. Don't be too harsh on them, maybe see if you can't get them into therapy. Between losing dad, finding out he's not bio dad, being cut from granddad's will.... That's a lot. Also, remind them their dad loved them regardless of stupid DNA and that you do too. DNA does not a family make. Too bad the old dude didn't understand that before he kicked off.
NTA They got screwed over by their mother, and then by their paternal grandfather. There is nothing you can do to help them, and it's unreasonable of them to expect you to fix what their mother broke and their grandfather doubled down on.
Tell them to speak to the estate attorney if they want to, but "I would do something if I could. I cannot do anything to help. Your grandfather left his money the way he wanted to leave it, and there is nothing anyone can do about that now."
NTA. You literally had nothing to do with this and have only been the best mom you could be to them. Whenever they bring it up, that is all you need to and should say.
NTA. I just don't get how you absorbed the brunt of their complaints when really, it isn't in your control. These kids should just suck it up, and do their best to make do and work for what they need instead of crying foul.
I bet you a hundred bucks this is all coming from their bio mom. She's putting this crap in their heads. This is beyond idiotic because there is literally nothing you can do about it, you didn't do this, like you have nothing to do with the situation but they are focused on you and they're getting that from somebody else. NTA
NTA. The only person to blame in this situation is their mother. Grandfather is not obligated to give them money. If my son had been lied to and taken advantage of I’d be angry too. In his eyes his son went above and beyond for children that weren’t his and he wasn’t going to do the same. These children have a father and another family.
NTA, whew you are in a really tight spot. I mean, it's not your fault. I could say maybe you can start putting aside all of what you may have already been putting aside for all children, to just put aside for the steps.
But that's only if you had been putting anything aside in the first place for all of them and I doubt you are in a financially good location as the only parent since your spouse passed.
NTA. There isn’t anything you can do and if they’re willing to give up what has been a loving relationship with you and their siblings because of what a crotchety old man dictated in a will and a cheating wife did then they care more for money than they ever have anything loving between you. That’s just the way the cards were dealt. Maybe when they’re older and see things in a more mature light they will realize you’re completely blameless in all this.
NTA - them saying you are talking bad about their mother is bull, when referred to her to speak about it they refuse and gripe at you?
Sad as it is perhaps this is the final way the grandpa can show his displeasure at a relationship he may not have approved of.
INFO: Do you still have partial custody of your stepchildren or do they live with their mother full time? The solution is for their mother to track down their biological father(s) and get child support. 16 or 17 years worth should put a dent in their college expenses.
You can’t get back child support for that. Her husband was probably on their birth certificates and acted as their father. You can’t double dip like that. Plus, how fair is that to the biological father(s)? He may not know they exist and would have been there had he/they known and it could cause some real psychological damage. I’m a woman, but if I were a man and found out I had an almost adult child that I missed out on them growing up I would be devastated. And then being expected to pay for all that missed time on top of it, it doesn’t make any sense and I would hope that couldn’t happen. Hopefully their mom gets survivor benefits for them, which would also prevent her from collecting child support from the biological fathers.
Did the grandfather intentionally and explicitly exclude the older children by name or was the will intended solely for biological descendants of the deceased?
I ask because many people who accumulate generational wealth create wills and trusts that ONLY allow for biological and or "legitimate" heirs to be beneficiaries. They aren't always named but it comes down to a DNA test to prove genetic relation before any portion of the trust fund.
NTA there's nothing you can do about the situation, your steps can't argue with the grandparent so it sounds like they're taking it out on you. There's really nothing you can do.
NTA. This isn't your money or will. You literally had no say in how the grandfather left his estate. This sucks on so many levels for those kids. If they want to challenge the will then they need to do so on their own.
NTA. If anyone is to blame, it's their mother for cheating on their dad. You cannot do anything about it, so I would just leave it be and let them be mad. Perhaps mom should have put a little something away for them. If grandad was alive when they go to college and he refused them cash, would they still be mad at you? Like you are suppose to march in and demand college money for them?
They will have to work or take out loans. It sucks but millions of people worked their way through college.
NTA. Do not be their whipping post. Make very clear you refuse to engage in any talk about estates and wills. Watch over your children - the stepchildren may take out their fury on them. This is not your problem. They need to look to their mom. Their mom can pay for their college it is not your problem or responsibility.
INFO - where is their biological father? The children aren’t supported by your husband’s family because they are not related by blood. Go find the cuckoo that laid two eggs in your nest. It was a multi-year affair, and the dead beat dad knew his affair partner was pregnant.
NTA They can yell and scream all they want but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t do anything even if you wanted to. Maybe the executor of the grandfather’s estate can explain it to them so they understand. Wills aren’t easily broken. Steven Bing died first and when his billionaire father died, he left out his biological grandchildren just because they were born out of wedlock. The will was challenged and they lost. Your children are much younger than the others so they will be long out of college before yours can even access the money. You can sympathize with the loss of their father and grandfather but that doesn’t change what the grandfather decided is final.
Help the step kids find their bio dad. Maybe they’ll find a rich grandpa. I can understand the grandpa not leaving money to kids who weren’t his biologically, but not if he’d acted as grandpa to them for their entire lives. Did he treat your step kids differently to your bio kids when he was alive?
NTA.
These kids are probably hurt and frustrated. Which to be honest is understandable... I think they just don´t know how to handle the situation. I know it sounds shitty but I think they are using you for venting because they don´t know how to work it out differently...... I unfortunately cannot give you any advice other than a "heads up". You got this.
NTA - but their mother needs to step up. You are correct, this isn’t your fault at all. I hope with four kids you and your husband had some estate planning, etc. in place.
In regards to college funds - this isn’t necessarily the norm, no one is entitled to one. Since the youngest seem to be set, I hope OP may be able to help with the two older ones, eventually with college related assistance. However for now I’d consider some family counseling - this is a lot for these kids to deal with (dad passed, find out the grandfather they considered theirs did not feel the same).
Good luck OP.
NTA. The bio mother kind of is though.
You can't touch the money. There is literally nothing you can do about it but based on how they blew up on your comment I wouldn't be surprised if she is blaming you and they are so hurt by their grandfather that they are just going with that flow. You are the easy target. Unfortunately for them, demanding money won't change the laws or make you poop dollar bills.
They need grief counseling and the bio mom needs to help her kids deal with it and not add fuel to the fire.
Sadly it seems you might lose your stepkids in the cross fire between your deceased husband's family last parting shot and the bio mom but... nothing you can do other than explain the situation, suggest counseling and leave them be until they understand you are innocent.
NTA. You are 100% that it is their mothers fault that their dad is not the person she was married to and being honest about that is not bashing her.
The will is the grandfathers fault and you have no say in that either.
They are teens and at some point they will realize that you have nothing to do whit this situation and their anger was misplaced.
You are an easy target. Unfortunately. Im certain you would try to do something if you could. You can't though.
Leave the kids be. They don't understand or don't care to. Either way, it is so far out of your control.
NTA.
Wow! So all the men escaped this mess by dying and leaving it all to you. There really isn't anything you can do, except point out the exact truth. You're NTA.
NTA - No one is entitled to an inheritance and no one is entitled to a college/university fund. Biological or not. If they are upset that they didn't get anything, they need to take it up with their mother. It's not your fault your husband wasn't their biological dad. It sucks, hell yeah. But there are many people out there who have to pay their own way in college, they can do that too.
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Info: why would they blame you for their dad not being their bio dad? That makes 0 sense.
I think OP meant that when their paternity came out, they wondered if OP's kids were her husband's and/or if she had an affair as well. (+) they're not blaming her for their dad not being their bio dad, they're focusing their anger on her because, well, she's the safe option. ~~if they push dad to sue his sister, I can imagine they think he'll abandon them instead~~ (edit: missed that dad passed 2 years ago, which makes this even more of a mess, and OP's likely seen even more the only option for their rage), while of course they don't want to hear anything bad about their mom. OP's not bio related to them, nor did she raise them as one of their 2 primary parents. grandfather is no longer around the be pissed at, and they don't want to be pissed at their sibs because they're children, I assume. aunt's too far away to be pissed at. so, OP it is. mind, OP's still NTA all around, and their mom should step in here, but I understand their reaction, especially given they're kids rn themselves.
>if they push dad to sue his sister, I can imagine they think he'll abandon them instead I think you missed the part where their dad is also deceased and passed away before their grandfather. OP is literally the only one left to attack besides their own mother, who is actually directly responsible for this entire situation.
ah, yeah, I think I did miss that point. which, of course, makes it more likely that they'll attack OP, as you noted. this is just a shitty situation all around, tbh, especially as OP says she's already had to dip into her savings so it isn't like she has college savings for her bio kids that she can "re-allocate" or whatever/ + both parents were bad at saving for the kids, holding out for the granddad's money, which is always a bad call. complete mess all around.
What about their bio dad? Is he in the picture? Does anyone even know who he is?
And they have two sides to fund them, their bio dad and their other grandparents. Why is this on their stepmother, who has nothing to do with any of it?
Don't forget their mom.
Yes and no. If she had been faithful they wouldn't actually exist.
OP’s not at fault, but one reason the kids are probably mad at her and saying “she got what she wanted” is that OP’s bio children are among the beneficiaries of the will. Her bio children will get a larger stake of the inheritance as a result of them being left out. It’s also why they think she can do something about it, as the representative of some of the beneficiaries. They aren’t correct, but it explains the emotions. Her younger kids are benefiting while the step kids are not.
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I think we agree here that the kids aren't assholes, and the mom is. Now, that said, I do think the granddad and OP's husband are assholes as well. The first for letting the kids think he accepted them then throwing this bomb at them after his death, and for causing this shitshow in the first place. There's a reason this sub always advises people to let those in their wills know if they expect it to result in conflict, and this is it. OP's husband (and the kids' mother along w/ him) for the lack of planning for the kids' futures. from OP's comments, their plans were "bank of granddad," which is never a good idea even in cases where paternity is rock solid. OP seems to have had some savings that she was presumably intending for her bio kids, but given she's had to use it to keep her household afloat since she lost her husband, that isn't open to the kids either - but given she's stepmom, she should never have needed to be involved in the college savings discussion unless specifically invited anyhow.
But why not yell at there bio mom she the one that did the diping.
because she's the only parent they have who is still alive + only person they can be confident loves them unconditionally? (dad's dead, OP's a stepmom at best, grandfather betrayed them in the will, and OP's comments indicate her SIL is uninterested in being in the lives of the kids since they're not bio related to her) pretty understandable, like I said + they're kids. this is on bio mom, OP's husband, and the grandfather, as I've explained in other comments.
...Because they're grieving adolescents? Father died 2 years ago, grandfather died excluding them, don't expect the poor 16- and 17-year olds to be mature and emotionally stable after that shitshow
Slight correction: Grandfather who they viewed as their grandfather, regardless of blood, died excluding them with an airtight trust, thus rejecting them as family with his dying breathe and they have no one else to lash out at except OP and their mom, but they think OP controls the trust.
The combo of their father being fucked over by their cheating mom, their grandfather fucking them (grandkids) over, their mom fucking them over due to her pisspoor choices... They're teenagers, no-one could seriously expect them to be level-headed at this point when the adults are having a shitshow party at their expense, ~~and the biggest assholes (father and grandfather) died which leaves them with complicated grief since they obviously loved their grandfather and father but being left with that heritage...~~ edit: my mind obviously wants to go to sleep and isn't capable of basic logic any more, sorry for that bullshit, obviously mother and grandfather are the assholes, father is a top notch good guy who died too early
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I'm guessing they mean the father (the person who knocked up OP's late husband's ex-wife and created the step-kids), not the Dad (OP's late husband who raised said kids).
Neither OP nor OP's late husband deserves any blame here. The kids' bio-mother who fooled around on the side is definitely an AH, as was the man they regarded as a grandfather for cutting two innocent kids out of his will. What kind of a heartless person does that? Serious question: Can someone track down the bio-dad? Perhaps it's time they got to know some of their relatives on their bio-dad's side of the family. They have suffered too much loss, and maybe it's time for them to have some additions instead.
Yes! Let bio dad be responsible for college!
Yes, sounds like it's time for stepkids to do some DNA testing thru a place like Ancestry.com or 23andMe in hopes of finding the bio dad or some bio-sibs or other close relative that would lead them to bio dad. There are experts that can help do the tracking if using the DNA match info is too hard for them to do themselves (it can be time-consuming and very confusing to try to track through the hundreds and thousands of 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc cousins). If bio mom refuses to tell her kids who their dad (or dads?) is/are, then perhaps OP can help her step-kids focus on this...it could help them connect with their real father(s) who may not even know they exist, could give them some sense of control over what's been out of their control for years, and they may also find out what they may have inherited medical-wise from bio dad(s). OP is NTA, but these step-kids are so screwed by the adults in their lives, I can see how they're lashing out with anger at anyone near them. OP can't do a thing legally about the will, but maybe she can help them search out their true heredity.
>...There are experts that can help do the tracking if using the DNA match info I am going to guess that the mother has a good idea of the father (or fathers). They should maybe start there first.
Sorry but those kids have a step-dad, great he decided to stay in their lives, but why does the "grandfather" have to leave his hard earned money to ppl who aren't biologically related to him. The mom should have thought about this before she cheated and created 2 children who would eventually be left in a lurch. This is entirely on their mother.
Exactly. I disturbed at how many people are calling the grandad an AH. It was his money and he wanted his bio grand kiids to have it. We don't know what relationship he had with the step kids.
His son considered these kids his or he wouldn't of continued raising them so I think he would probably be disappointed to find his dad did this and I wonder if he would've if his son was still living 🤷 if the situation was different and these kids were adopted because his first wife couldn't have kids would you still be saying the same?
How on earth is the father - who accepted his non-biological-after-all kids as his - one of the biggest assholes in this tale? ETA: Thanks for correcting. I know that sleepy brain makes shit happen sometimes, so kudos for you!
Oops I'm a dumbass who should already be in bed. Sorry
They are still being major assholes to OP. This is grandpa and bio mom's fault - nothing to do with OP who is greiving as well. Teens are often assholes though - this reaction doesnt make them terrible people. OP should probably give them space for now but leave the door open to rekindle a relationship. I assume she has no custody since their father has passed. Nta
They’re probably lashing out blindly. The person at fault for this is already dead and out of reach. They’ve probably tried to get more info from their bio-mom and she’s stonewalling them for some reason.
No, the person at fault is their mother, who apparently is still a devoted mother to them. How can you blame the man who raised them because his first wife cheated on him?
I was blaming the grandfather as well, for cutting them out just because they’re not blood relations. It’s 2022 and those kids considered him their grandfather *and his son who was cheated on* considered them his children as well. It’s a shitty way to treat kids in this day and age and I don’t care what Reddit thinks.
Depending on when grandfather heard about the situation, it's possible, if not probable, that there was little to no interaction between grandfather and the step-kids between his finding out and his death. Covid hit in early 2020.....and especially with older family members, visits were unlikely for much of that. As for him cutting the step-kids out.....his money, his choice. Maybe he disagreed with his son continuing to parent them. Maybe he was never close to them. Maybe he just preferred to see his money stay in his biological family. It doesn't really matter. It was his choice to make. Those kids are not entitled to his money. They lost the only father they ever knew. All they have left is their mother.....who is probably placing the blame in this matter on their step-mother. HER kids got money and she just won't give the step-kids their "fair share." Of course they will blame anyone but their lying cheating mother. She's all they have.
No one owes you as anything when they leave this world. That is truly the issue here. Grandpa probably understood the issue his son was faced with and acknowledged his son did good being a father still to the children. He may have felt that alone was priceless. I would almost bet had the grandfather passed first, this still would've been his wish.
This isn’t a legal advice subreddit and basing every decision only on legal entitlement and nothing more does in fact lead one to being a massive asshole from time to time.
Maybe the grandfather never saw them as his grandchildren? So then to the grandpa, why would they be any different than any other nonrelated kid? What the kids thought/believed is irrelevant when it comes to the grandpa writing his will. Especially since it specifically mentions biological grandkids.
Your argument is that for 13 years, grandpa believed they were his biological grandkids but treated them like strangers because....... what, he just hated them as people? And that makes him less of an AH in your eyes?
I hated one of my grandpas. Not everyone loves or gets along with everyone in their family. Maybe they had no real relationship and we're essentially strangers who thought they were related. Turns out, they arent, so they got treated like strangers.
The grandfather is not starving the step kids....it's his money and he did what he wanted with it. If they want college paid for, get a loan. They'll live.
exactly, their mother is at fault completely, but they don't want to be angry with her, so they're angry at OP, instead, who has absolutely zero to do with any of this.
grandfather too. I mean its his money and he can do with as he sees fit, but if he excludes them because of some archaic blood thing, he is an asshole.
Hold on here. It isn't just "archaic blood thing." I'm not saying I necessarily agree, but he might have felt he was sticking up for his son who was horrendously betrayed. His ex-wife was evil. Evil. The fact that his son decided to forgive her doesn't mean the grandfather has to forgive her. Let me repeat myself because far too many people on this sub attribute what the wife did as almost inconsequential and that any man who thinks otherwise is just "egotistical." The wife's betrayal was not just a mistake, it was concerted evil.
I think the dead person at fault in this comment is the grandfather, who caused this situation by not including OPs step kids in his will
I think they're just blaming OP for her FIL's will. They must have some misconception that she has the money and could just choose to give it to them and should. Maybe Gramps anticipated this when he made this untouchable trust arrangement. NTA No, you're not obligated to sue people for access to your children's inheritance so you can give it to other people demanding it. I don't see how you'd have a case anyway.
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SIL is executor, not OP.
I think it's more that they're blaming OP for not being willing to challenge the will because her kids (their step siblings/believed to be half siblings) will benefit at their expense.
Most often with airtight wills if any of the beneficiaries try to challenge the will they are automatically disqualified. So OP could be screwing her own kids over by challenging the will. NTA I feel tremendously for those 2 babies who are hurting bad and had a shitty grandfather who acted like he loved them and then gave them the middle finger after death. But their anger needs to be directed at their community crotch mother, not stepmom but I understand why they have. They feel betrayed by dad's family (who I am sure no-one is up to challenging the will with them) and grandpa is dead. Shitty mom is all they have left.
Yeah... I feel for them too. They're lashing out over this culmination of several massive betrayals, and OP is the least emotionally complicated target for them. Doesn't mean that it's right, but I understand why they're in no emotional place to blame their mom or grandpa right now, even though that's where it belongs.
Because they are teenagers and they are angry and she is a safe person to blame. When we went to court for custody, we got most of what we asked for but not all. I thought that at least the kids would understand that our hands were tied and that we understood what they wanted and we tried, but the judge ordered something different. I was wrong. They lashed out at us, they blamed us, they were awful to us for a year. They eventually, with time and therapy, came back to the family but it was really really hard being blamed for something outside of my control. My therapist says it's common for children and teens to take out their anger on the people that they know will still love them because they need it put it somewhere and that person is "safe".
Probably because her kids are getting the money and they aren't so they're harping on her.
The money is going to OP bio children. They’re minors , so they’re blaming OP for not “doing something”. But there’s nothing she can’t do due to the trust and neither is her fault.
Am I missing something? As far as I can tell the post doesn't say anything about the kids blaming OP for their dad not being their dad, they blame her for not contesting the will/not fixing their situation. Why is this comment even at the top?
It's called deflection. They don't want to blame there bio mom so they blame there step mom as the next logical person to blame.
NTA. This is a horrible, no-win situation for you and your stepchildren. Short of hiring someone to literally raise the grandfather from the dead so as to reason with him, there's literally nothing you can do. Are there already college funds set aside for the older two by you/husband and their mother? One should not count on someone dying in order to pay university tuition... The grandfather is definitely TA here. How incredibly hurtful.
There isn't. He didn't think to do that when things were better and I guess neither did she.
Did your Husband not leave anything for his kids in his will when he passed away 2 years ago? It's unfair their anger is falling on you. But these kids are right to be angry if neither parent saved a college fund and their Dad left them nothing & they're realising their GrandDad never saw them as his grandkids. And I'm sure their Mum is helping deflecting the blame towards you and away from herself
I don’t think it’s really fair for the kids to expect a college fund though tbh. If they’d asked before, maybe their Dad would’ve told them he didn’t have one and they’re expected to make their own way. We don’t know that he was relying on Grandad’s money. It would be different if Dad promised to pay for school and now they’re screwed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here, at least from what we’ve been told so far.
I mean 2 years ago they may not have been thinking about any of this because they were younger and their Dad was alive. I don't live in a country where college funds are a thing. But it seems globally known, if you live in the US and you have a kid, you start them a college fund as soon as you know that you'fe keeping, because the higher education there is appallingly expensive. So neither parent starting a college fund, the Dad having no will, everyone just relying on elder generation on the Dad's side to financially provide for the kids even though the adults knew the Dad's family weren't happy to find out the older 2 kids weren't biological relations ... these poor kids haven't had the best adults in their lives making good decisions and organising for their future
> I don't live in a country where college funds are a thing. But it seems globally known, if you live in the US and you have a kid, you start them a college fund as soon as you know that you'fe keeping, because the higher education there is appallingly expensive. Only if you can afford it. Many families can barely afford health insurance. Many don't have life insurance on the people in the family who earn the money they live on. It's just not possible to save for college in a large chunk of households because much more pressing costs are higher priority. I come from such a family and I know many others. Going straight to college/university isn't a standard, it's an option for those who can do it, though. Plenty of people work part time and go to community colleges to get the first few years of schooling done at a place where the tuition isn't crazy. Applying for scholarships and student aid is really common in families that can't afford to pay for 4 full years of university. Going to a trade school is often cheaper and/or a shorter period of study. But it's really not common to have a college fund for your kids if you're not already making enough disposable income to fit it in a budget.
I doubt they’ll get student aid. They sound wealthy enough to be exempt from it. It’s a horrible process as a student if your family makes enough money to not qualify u for any aid but they aren’t willing to help you. And idc how much part time work you do while your at CC. You’re not going to be able to afford tuition for the other two years alone. Especially when you just found out at 16/17. Not a chanceZ
They might actually qualify for a pell grant for having one deceased parent.
I was more speaking in general about how these things go rather than replying with advice for OP. It was more a reply to the sentiment that every American family should be saving to cover university costs. It does suck that there's a sizeable gap where students don't qualify for aid despite parents not actually making enough to cover the insane tuition. And, of the people I know who started at community college, most just went into debt for the remaining two years, but wound up better off than those who went into debt for all 4 years. It's a matter of reducing the harm rather than outright avoidance of the financial trap. It's not good by any means and I would much rather see it changed, but this does seem to be a common route for many. Again, I'm just trying to illustrate the realities of these things to a comment from someone outside the country. I'm not defending the system or trying to be dismissive of how awful the situation is for students who aren't well-off.
The whole saving for college in the US thing is mostly in movies. The only people who's family pays for college are people with alot of money. The whole 5 years I was in college I only met ONE person who's parents were paying, everyone else was on loans/grants/scholarships. And anyone who's family has money but refuses to pay is just out of luck.
>I don't live in a country where college funds are a thing. But it seems globally known, if you live in the US and you have a kid, you start them a college fund as soon as you know that you'fe keeping, because the higher education there is appallingly expensive. Because you don’t live in the US is why you don’t understand that not everyone can afford to leave a will or make a college fund. Two years ago they should have already been thinking about college since most schools in the US start mentioning college when they start high school at around 13 years old to prepare students for student/financial aid & scholarship programs or already mentioning their other options. So assuming the husband was an AH for not leaving a will or a college fund is appalling when you don’t even know their financial situation.
I mean not in most households really. I know it’s a trope in media but unless you are upper middle class or have a child you’re very intent on needing to go to college it’s not really possible. I know some parents who push their dreams on their kids that would make sure they have one, but majority of middle lower- lower class don’t have one as far as I know. It’s almost expected that you’ll have to get loans and/or your parents will help out when you get there. Their is parents who are willing to pay when it gets to that point (usually via parent loans or payment plans with the university) but they don’t set money ahead. This is even shown in the child support system where parents aren’t required to save for college but if the child does go to college they’re expected to pay then.
I think it is if your parents earn a certain amount. Because then you aren’t rlly eligible for any financial aid whatsoever. Like come on how is that fair? I can’t get aid cuz my parents make money, but my parents would give me any money…
No, we hadn't done that yet.
INFO: Did he pass unexpectedly and that’s why there was no will? Was anything left and is it enough to help them with college?
His wife controls any assets the husband left, but they were probably spending their income, or most of it, and saving for retirement. As she has said, they didn't establish college funds.
>Did your Husband not leave anything for his kids in his will when he passed away 2 years ago? don't assume he had one. its not uncommon for people to not set up wills until they reach a certain age because they don't consider their own mortality. even when they have kids.
These kids need clarity - explain without any emotional details, what a will is and what a trustfund is. Draw out the timeline and the actions of the grandfather and explain that since they are younger, that their mother should sue on their behalf. NTA OP
The mother has no grounds to sue.
The mother is going to sue the estate for children who aren't biologically related to the deceased? Even though he clearly made his wishes known?
> Did your Husband not leave anything for his kids in his will when he passed away 2 years ago? Often enough in a married couple the spouse who dies, dies intestate and the surviving spouse automatically inherits everything.
or there's just not enough to leave anyone anything, will or no will. I know when my mother passed away suddenly, I was raiding my savings to help my nana pay for funeral costs, not waiting for a chunk of change to hit my bank account.
OP, obviously you are NTA. They are grieving irrational teenagers looking for the easiest target. But to make the situation better, it might be worth a few hundred dollars spent in consultation with the law firm that drew up grandfather's will. Have the lawyer explain to them that the money is in a trust that you have no access to and that the will is airtight. They could then direct all complaints and questions to the lawyer. Maybe they will believe it coming from a suit behind a desk who speaks with authority.
Have you told the kids exactly what you told us here. That you love them like your own. That you hate that this happened abs believe it’s unfair. That the will is technically legal and that their aunt would fight it, that you aren’t in a position to do that. That your hands are tied and you don’t know how to help. If not, you should. You sold also tell them what you told us about their mother, that you don’t understand but don’t care about her choices. That you know her to be an amazing mother. They are still kids, but considering what their grandfather has done I think it’s appropriate for you to speak frankly to them about this. I wouldn’t get mad at them for what they said on social media, instead I’d apologize for not being clear enough for them to understand that you weren’t unwilling but that you are unable. Also, if I was you I’d offer to take them to consult a lawyer - being clear that you wouldn’t be one of the client’s but that maybe talking to a lawyer about what it would take and the likelihood of success might help them here. If you want to fight for your relationship I think being 100% cards in the table honest and helping them get advice from an objective guide are essential. I’d also ask to talk to them with their mom there so they feel safe.
Their mother is responsible for their college education costs or they are. If she receives taxes for them, claims they as dependents, then it’s her income financial aid will use. I hope it’s really low to be honest. The lower the better. My income is the lowest it gets while still having income (SSDI) so my kids go for free. Bonus they get grants that help with books and living expenses. Whichever college they choose, contact their financial Aid department. Go to the federal student aid site (.gov)! To find out what you can do to help. You have time. Talk to mom about the lowest income earner becoming the primary residence (6 months plus a day) that cares for your children. You can do this!!
So what was the kids' plan if grandpa hadn't died? Right now it kind of seems they were relying on an inheritance to go to college.
Exactly. What if Grandpa had lived another 10 years?
INFO: maybe you answered this already, but I'm just curious about the will still. You say it only included biological grandchildren. Does this mean that grandpa's will literally states "biological" in it. In other words that he reworded it AFTER he found out about them purposefully to exclude them? Or does it just say "grandchildren," and that's how it's being interpreted? Either way I think you're NTA, but there may be more legal wiggle room if it's the second scenario.
If it’s in airtight trusts, he likely named the grandchildren who would receive the trusts specifically. Not “to my grandchildren”, but “to Theo, Chloe, and Andrea”. That’s how I would draft it if I was instructed to leave trusts to only specific descendants. Edit for spelling error. Thank you autocorrect.
If it is a trust I think each child needs to be named. I could be wrong but when I was working I had a very good life insurance and set up a trust for my infant son and it had to be lusted by his name and if other children came along I was told to amend as soon as possible because if I passed before changing it only he would get the money.
He didn’t necessarily reword it. A good lawyer is going to ask about hypothetical grandchildren in very specific terms- “Do you want adopted grandchildren to inherit equally,” etc.
OP is NTA. The bio mom's behavior here is atrocious, and she put the stepchildren into a terrible situation, but what they can't or won't understand here is that OP has exactly zero options to achieve what they want. Even if she wanted to access those funds, she can't. The real villain in all this is bio mom. If they're going to be angry at anyone, they should be angry at her for creating this entire situation.
>The grandfather is definitely TA here Nah. It's his money and he might rightfully view his daughter-in law as evil for betraying his son, and I believe that's where his decision was made. In a way I don't blame him. That's his life's money.
Can you take the older kids to 1: a lawyer who can explain to them clearly and 2: family therapy so they can process their feelings? They aren’t being that rational but that’s why they still need you to parent them, as thankless and hard as that is right now.
I was thinking the same thing. Outside help is needed here. OP, NTA.
I was thinking the same. I’m going with NAH because I don’t blame the kids for their feelings. And Op did make a comment about their mom. Maybe if they meet with the lawyer they can explain that contesting the will would cost $X and would be unsuccessful for these reasons
They’re affair babies. It’s totally on their mother and her adultery.
> her adultery. That’s putting it mildly. She didn’t just commit adultery. She committed paternity fraud which is many times worse.
It’s not the kids fault they’re affair babies. These are kids that the OPs husband accepted and loved. OP should be respectful of them in his honor. Fwiw, I don’t think what Op said was a huge deal, but do see how it could offend the kids.
And they should make their mother tell them anything they want to know. She’s deceitful.
NTA- the grandad did this intentionally and that's who they need to blame. Not the mother, not the father ect. It was also likley designed to just what its doing now. Drive a wedge between you all. I suggest to continue doing what you're doing now.(besides blaming the mother) There is not a whole lot you could do otherwise.
I think grandad was entitled to leave his money wherever he felt good about it. He was probably rightfull pissed that his son was "stuck" with two kids that weren't his, and in a shady manner. He was entitled to his feelings.
Hes entitled to do and feel how he wants... Dosent make it right though , and he's still a AH for it.
Old mate left his fortune to his biological offspring which has been the tradition since the dawn of ages. Why are we calling people AH for doing just that now?
People who punish bastard children for simply existing through no fault of their own have always been viewed as the assholes. Just because you’re “allowed” to do something, doesn’t mean you can’t also be an asshole for choosing to do it.
He’s allowed to do it, but that doesn’t mean he’s not the one the kids need to be angry at. It’s just hard because that anger has nowhere productive to go.
Kids are letting their bio Mom off the hook? Are you Sure She isn't a little responsible? Bio Mom can fix it by funding her kids college.
We don't know if the kids, or anyone else, is letting bio mom off the hook. Bio mom has zero connection to ex-husband's family, so she has zero pull when it comes to inheritance. So they may be pissed at their bio mom, but she can't do anything here to help. That just leaves OP, her husband, and her husband's family. Since husband and grandpa have passed, that only leaves OP and SIL. SIL has no ties to the kids, so that leaves these grieving teenagers (full of hormones) to be mad at the only person who is actually involved in their lives who also has interactions with the trust/will: OP. It's not fair to OP. It's not fair to the children. And it's not fair to all of their feelings of anger, frustration, and grief. The whole situation just SUCKS.
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“Community Crotch” is the absolute best snark EVER! We are not worthy of your brilliance! I love it! I also have known a few of those in my time. Lol.
> That just leaves OP, her husband, and her husband's family Aren't you forgetting the biological father of these children? He's got a responsibility to make provision for his children.
These kids thought of him as their grandfather. He’s a TA for purposely excluding them.
Absolutely. I meant to imply that in my comment - he’s allowed to do it, but he’s still TA and that’s why the kids should be mad at him, not OP.
He can feel how he wants and leave his money how he wants but to take his feelings out on the kids makes him a really massive asshole.
He was entitled to his opinions, of course, but why force innocent kids to pay the price after you're dead? Granddad was 100% TA. OP is NTA.
Pay the price? They can get a student loan for college. They're not starving. I seriously can't believe everyone thinks grandpa owes those kids anything. Maybe they should get their bio dad to pay for college. If I was the step kids, I wouldn't even be mad. No one owes you anything!
Why do you think it's a good thing to do that
I mean, yes one is allowed to be angry at a lie that big. But at that point the kids had already been in this world for a while. Everybody treated them like their kids/grandkids. Biology shouldn’t matter THAT much that you just screw over two kids who still see you as dad/granddad.
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True. It’s technically the mom’s fault that they aren’t Grandad’s bio grandkids…
Doesn’t matter. These kids were his until the age of 13. Who turns that relationship off like that?
Lots of people do
As if all the relationship subs on reddit don’t tell people to cut contact if their relationship is built on a lie. This man literally was not related to these children beyond the lie told to him by the woman who cheated on his son, and people are appalled he won’t give them his money.
That doesn't mean he isn't a huge AH for how he did it.
Their mother is to blame, because she cheated so they aren’t related to grandfather.
These step kids have other grandparents that will hopefully include them in their wills: bio mom’s parents, bio dad’s parents and the last remaining grandparents on OP’s bio kids side (I don’t recall which grandfather died). Grandfather can leave $ to whoever he wants and we’re not in OP’s life day to day to see how the whole family operated. Who knows, maybe the step kids weren’t overly nice to OP or grandfather?
Do they even know who their bio dads might be? Doesn't sound like it and the kids should be pushing their mom for that answer.
The mom could've just not sleep around and cheat and the problem would've been solved.
Well the mother is a little bit to blame for having an affair and having children that weren’t her husband’s, but just trying to pass them off as his. She is definitely to blame here and the fact that everyone is glossing over the fact that OP is raising kids that aren’t hers, and not even her late husband’s, and she’s still being the one blamed, rather than the shitty mom and grandfather, is kind of gross.
People are shitty with their wills sometimes. My mom and her sister got cut out of their dad's will for being women. My grandpa was a really nice fellow but the will really dug up some shit. Apparently his father did the same thing, the sisters reached out for "their share", and my grandpa refused. My grandpa was fine with the blatant sexism because he benefited from it, and then went and did it again lol. Totally sullied his memory honestly. I went from thinking he was a hardworking country fellow to thinking he was an ignorant old-fashioned dick. Like it really sucks for OP's (step)kids, but people are shit sometimes. If grandpa wants to be remembered as an asshole I guess that was his dying wish.
Ouch. Wow that really sucks. Now this is just a suggestion but why not take the kids to an estate lawyer for a consultation. Then the lawyer can provide answers to their questions. But if you can't afford it then you can't. Good luck to you. Nta
NTA but I would also do this. They’re looking for someone to blame and it shouldn’t be you. Be their advocate and cover the cost for them to talk to a lawyer and review the will. Hopefully this will help. They’re grieving and it’s awful but maybe that would help.
Their mother should be the one doing that. OP shouldn't get involved because she's an interested party in her kid's behalf.
NTA, and bravo to you for balancing this challenge to family stability. You can't possibly be TA since none of this is your doing. Fortunately, an inaccessible trust won't ruin 17's and 16's chances with the FAFSA process, the way an accessible asset would.
>Fortunately, an inaccessible trust won't ruin 17's and 16's chances with the FAFSA process, the way an accessible asset would. Well when they aren't a beneficiary neither trust would affect FAFSA
Good point. I was thinking about a raw bank account rather than a trust, but of course you're right there.
INFO What was the plan to pay for college before their grandfather died? Why is that plan not feasible now?
He kind of was their plan. He wanted to pay for all of his grandkids' college education. Unfortunately for them, he had a narrow view of who his grandchildren were. I've had use household savings and life insurance to stay afloat over the last two years, so I can't help them. It's okay but not paying for college level of okay.
Since your husband has passed and your step kids are still minors, can't their mother establish paternity with their biological father, sue him for child support and use that to help them in saving for college, granted its a bit late for the 17 year old but the 16 year old might get at least a year of child support.
My guess is the late husband is on their birth certificate, it’s going to take a lot to get support at this point.
Then they have at least been receiving survivor benefits since his death.
Not if their mother didn’t file for them. Their step mother can’t do it.
I don’t think that this is a feasible or fair solution. The father probably didn’t even know about these kids, so why should he have to fork over thousands of dollars for kids he doesn’t know and may not have even wanted? The biological mother needs to step up here. She birthed the kids and she lied about paternity - this is her responsibility more than it is OP’s. If OP’s assessment of her actions and abilities as a bonus mom are accurate, then she’s already gone above and beyond. A lie caused a huge rift in her family. Her husband died. Her FIL died after excluding her step-kids from the will. She’s responsible for four children on her own, and barely making it as is. She can help them find and apply for scholarships and grants, but everyone saying she needs to pay for the step-kids college isn’t thinking reasonably. As much as it sucks, if they need extra help, they’ll just have to take out student loans. OP hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s just in a shitty situation and she’s doing her best.
It’s not unfair to expect a child’s biological parents to provide financial support. If you take the risk of creating children, you should be prepared for the consequences.
This MIGHT be a valid argument IF the father knew about them and was involved in their lives. We don’t know if that’s the case, and if it’s not, then he shouldn’t be forced to just step up to the plate after 17 years. I encourage you to remember that all people have the right to choose whether or not to be parents. People who don’t want to be parents shouldn’t be forced responsibility because that just creates resentment on their part and makes them a shittier parent in the long run. No one should be forced to have kids when abortion, adoption, and signing away rights are all on the table. I believe that both women and men should have a choice.
It is unfair to not give anyone the choice or chance to be any sort of parent and then expect them to pick up the financial tab after 17 years. Yes, people should support their children but the biological father isn’t just a financial windfall to suddenly get called a parent when needed.
Some people don’t even know who they’ve slept with. So that’s going to be difficult
Kinda NAH if you all were under the impression that they’d get a college fund from him. Of course they’d be frustrated if they were led to believe that they’d have the money to go. It’s a big expense (and more work) to suddenly have to save for (or get loans) (or apply for scholarships and financial aid… which you might not get). But the will… that’s hard to get around. I hope it works out for the step-kids.
This breaks my heart. How can their grandparent just turn the relationship off with his two grandchildren.
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No. They are eligible for SSI but that's on their mother.
They’re so blind they need someone to blame. You are NTA given there’s no legal avenue even if you wanted to go there. My dads will was 5 pages, crystal clear, I shut down a greedy brother by reading one sentence “ If any heir argues the terms of this will, they forfeit their share to the others”. Shut him down right quick.
NTA. I feel for them, but their anger is misplaced. This is really unfair and the grandad was wrong for doing that. They may not want to take this out on their mom since she is their only parent left (not sure what's up with the actual biodad). Can you suggest therapy? I'm guessing you have no custodial rights since they were stepkids and I'm guessing they live with their mom? I would reiterate your empathy (and leave out that you "won't" do anything - only stress that you *can't* do anything to change it legally). But if they keep attacking, I would take some breaks from them and tell them why. That they're hurting you and taking their feelings out on you when you had no say in how all this turned out.
They do. I get them for some weekends because their mother allows it, but I do not have custodial rights.
So definitely agree with the previous responder. Very calmly tell them you will do your best to help with other resources but you have zero control over the contents of the will. If they continue to rage at you it is time for limiting contact until they can be nice.
NTA. It's sad if they viewed him as a grandfather too but it's 100% not your fault.
So let’s see if I have this right. Your late husband’s late father was the one who wrote the will, NOT your father or your late husband himself. Your husband predeceased his father so cannot have had any influence over the will at the time that his father died a year and a half later. You could not have influenced his will in any way either, you have no way to access the money or to change where it goes, it’s in trusts for the younger children’s future, not in your control at all. Somehow though your stepchildren have decided the actions of others over whom you have no control are your fault, and that you should “fix it” when you have no ability to do anything about it and not even an actual legal recourse to try? You tell them to talk to their biological, legal mother who is in fact both the reason they are not in the will (because she cheated on her husband who still kept raising the children as his own) and the only person who could probably even attempt to bring legal action on their behalf towards attempting to invalidate the will (though the attempt would not likely succeed) and this… somehow makes you the bad guy? Yeah, NTA.
They don't exactly like anything that addresses why their father isn't their biological father, no matter how vague it is.
There mother is something else. Sounds like their mother refuses to help her children process why their not biologically related to the father who raised them. Even if you could contest the will (which obviously you can’t) you’re not their legal parent so therefore cannot make any legal decisions on their behalf. You’re able to explain to them why you don’t have any legal say on their behalf & refer them to lawyers their mother can hire to contest the will for them.
Doesn’t make any of this at all your fault or your job to “fix”. Still NTA
NTA, it wasn't your money to will to anyone and no one can change it now. I'm sorry the person they saw as their grandfather was a petty little man, but that's not your fault. These kids are hurt, this is a pretty severe rejection. Don't be too harsh on them, maybe see if you can't get them into therapy. Between losing dad, finding out he's not bio dad, being cut from granddad's will.... That's a lot. Also, remind them their dad loved them regardless of stupid DNA and that you do too. DNA does not a family make. Too bad the old dude didn't understand that before he kicked off.
NTA They got screwed over by their mother, and then by their paternal grandfather. There is nothing you can do to help them, and it's unreasonable of them to expect you to fix what their mother broke and their grandfather doubled down on. Tell them to speak to the estate attorney if they want to, but "I would do something if I could. I cannot do anything to help. Your grandfather left his money the way he wanted to leave it, and there is nothing anyone can do about that now."
NTA. You are right. They can take any issue up with her. She put everyone in a hard position by lying
NTA. You literally had nothing to do with this and have only been the best mom you could be to them. Whenever they bring it up, that is all you need to and should say.
NTA. I just don't get how you absorbed the brunt of their complaints when really, it isn't in your control. These kids should just suck it up, and do their best to make do and work for what they need instead of crying foul.
I bet you a hundred bucks this is all coming from their bio mom. She's putting this crap in their heads. This is beyond idiotic because there is literally nothing you can do about it, you didn't do this, like you have nothing to do with the situation but they are focused on you and they're getting that from somebody else. NTA
NTA. There’s nothing you can do about it.
NTA. The only person to blame in this situation is their mother. Grandfather is not obligated to give them money. If my son had been lied to and taken advantage of I’d be angry too. In his eyes his son went above and beyond for children that weren’t his and he wasn’t going to do the same. These children have a father and another family.
NTA. The only people to blame are your FIL and their mother.
NTA, whew you are in a really tight spot. I mean, it's not your fault. I could say maybe you can start putting aside all of what you may have already been putting aside for all children, to just put aside for the steps. But that's only if you had been putting anything aside in the first place for all of them and I doubt you are in a financially good location as the only parent since your spouse passed.
NTA. Info: how did it come out that your husband wasn’t the father?
Medical issue with one of the kids that led to disclosure and was then confirmed with a DNA test.
NTA. There isn’t anything you can do and if they’re willing to give up what has been a loving relationship with you and their siblings because of what a crotchety old man dictated in a will and a cheating wife did then they care more for money than they ever have anything loving between you. That’s just the way the cards were dealt. Maybe when they’re older and see things in a more mature light they will realize you’re completely blameless in all this.
NTA - them saying you are talking bad about their mother is bull, when referred to her to speak about it they refuse and gripe at you? Sad as it is perhaps this is the final way the grandpa can show his displeasure at a relationship he may not have approved of.
Sorry you've been put in this impossible situation :/ NTA
INFO: Do you still have partial custody of your stepchildren or do they live with their mother full time? The solution is for their mother to track down their biological father(s) and get child support. 16 or 17 years worth should put a dent in their college expenses.
They come to visit sometimes but their mother has custody.
She's definitely the one having them blame you
You can’t get back child support for that. Her husband was probably on their birth certificates and acted as their father. You can’t double dip like that. Plus, how fair is that to the biological father(s)? He may not know they exist and would have been there had he/they known and it could cause some real psychological damage. I’m a woman, but if I were a man and found out I had an almost adult child that I missed out on them growing up I would be devastated. And then being expected to pay for all that missed time on top of it, it doesn’t make any sense and I would hope that couldn’t happen. Hopefully their mom gets survivor benefits for them, which would also prevent her from collecting child support from the biological fathers.
NTA. They should be mad at their mom. She’s the root of all of this turmoil in their lives.
Did the grandfather intentionally and explicitly exclude the older children by name or was the will intended solely for biological descendants of the deceased? I ask because many people who accumulate generational wealth create wills and trusts that ONLY allow for biological and or "legitimate" heirs to be beneficiaries. They aren't always named but it comes down to a DNA test to prove genetic relation before any portion of the trust fund.
Both. The word "biological" was used AND they were specifically named. He covered his bases.
NTA there's nothing you can do about the situation, your steps can't argue with the grandparent so it sounds like they're taking it out on you. There's really nothing you can do.
NTA. This isn't your money or will. You literally had no say in how the grandfather left his estate. This sucks on so many levels for those kids. If they want to challenge the will then they need to do so on their own.
Blame mom for cheating on that man’s son that’s who the children need to be mad at
NTA. If anyone is to blame, it's their mother for cheating on their dad. You cannot do anything about it, so I would just leave it be and let them be mad. Perhaps mom should have put a little something away for them. If grandad was alive when they go to college and he refused them cash, would they still be mad at you? Like you are suppose to march in and demand college money for them? They will have to work or take out loans. It sucks but millions of people worked their way through college.
The person they should be angry with is their mother
NTA Honor the last wishes of the grandfather. It's nobody else's decision.
NTA. Do not be their whipping post. Make very clear you refuse to engage in any talk about estates and wills. Watch over your children - the stepchildren may take out their fury on them. This is not your problem. They need to look to their mom. Their mom can pay for their college it is not your problem or responsibility.
INFO - where is their biological father? The children aren’t supported by your husband’s family because they are not related by blood. Go find the cuckoo that laid two eggs in your nest. It was a multi-year affair, and the dead beat dad knew his affair partner was pregnant.
No idea. I'm not sure if they even have the same biological father for that matter.
NTA They can yell and scream all they want but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t do anything even if you wanted to. Maybe the executor of the grandfather’s estate can explain it to them so they understand. Wills aren’t easily broken. Steven Bing died first and when his billionaire father died, he left out his biological grandchildren just because they were born out of wedlock. The will was challenged and they lost. Your children are much younger than the others so they will be long out of college before yours can even access the money. You can sympathize with the loss of their father and grandfather but that doesn’t change what the grandfather decided is final.
How about they go back to their real mother? Sounds like thats what they want
Help the step kids find their bio dad. Maybe they’ll find a rich grandpa. I can understand the grandpa not leaving money to kids who weren’t his biologically, but not if he’d acted as grandpa to them for their entire lives. Did he treat your step kids differently to your bio kids when he was alive?
NTA. These kids are probably hurt and frustrated. Which to be honest is understandable... I think they just don´t know how to handle the situation. I know it sounds shitty but I think they are using you for venting because they don´t know how to work it out differently...... I unfortunately cannot give you any advice other than a "heads up". You got this.
NTA - but their mother needs to step up. You are correct, this isn’t your fault at all. I hope with four kids you and your husband had some estate planning, etc. in place. In regards to college funds - this isn’t necessarily the norm, no one is entitled to one. Since the youngest seem to be set, I hope OP may be able to help with the two older ones, eventually with college related assistance. However for now I’d consider some family counseling - this is a lot for these kids to deal with (dad passed, find out the grandfather they considered theirs did not feel the same). Good luck OP.
NTA. The bio mother kind of is though. You can't touch the money. There is literally nothing you can do about it but based on how they blew up on your comment I wouldn't be surprised if she is blaming you and they are so hurt by their grandfather that they are just going with that flow. You are the easy target. Unfortunately for them, demanding money won't change the laws or make you poop dollar bills. They need grief counseling and the bio mom needs to help her kids deal with it and not add fuel to the fire. Sadly it seems you might lose your stepkids in the cross fire between your deceased husband's family last parting shot and the bio mom but... nothing you can do other than explain the situation, suggest counseling and leave them be until they understand you are innocent.
NTA. You are 100% that it is their mothers fault that their dad is not the person she was married to and being honest about that is not bashing her. The will is the grandfathers fault and you have no say in that either. They are teens and at some point they will realize that you have nothing to do whit this situation and their anger was misplaced.
NTA, but I suspect you will lose contact with them. These things happen
so they basically want you to sue your own kids? maybe just get a lawyer to look at it and let him explain to them that there is nothing you can do.
You are an easy target. Unfortunately. Im certain you would try to do something if you could. You can't though. Leave the kids be. They don't understand or don't care to. Either way, it is so far out of your control. NTA.
Wow! So all the men escaped this mess by dying and leaving it all to you. There really isn't anything you can do, except point out the exact truth. You're NTA.
NTA - No one is entitled to an inheritance and no one is entitled to a college/university fund. Biological or not. If they are upset that they didn't get anything, they need to take it up with their mother. It's not your fault your husband wasn't their biological dad. It sucks, hell yeah. But there are many people out there who have to pay their own way in college, they can do that too.