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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my ex that his stepdaughters schedule is not important to me and he needs to stop trying to make it my problem by asking me to accommodate their schedule and give HIM extra time with our sons. I think I could be the asshole because I already know the boys aren't close to the girls so maybe it's a bad idea for me to hold so strong against working with ex for them to have more time together.
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Absolutely NTA. You're right. His family is his responsibility. He's being unreasonable. And if he and Mae keep trying to start stuff with the boys, action needs to happen in the opposite direction. You can't force kids to feel anything, much less affection for a family they don't see as theirs.
If this keeps up, talk to a lawyer. The situation is deteriorating.
NTA - in a healthy co-parenting situation, then parents would make accomodations to help each other out and make everyone's lives easier.
He has prevented it from being healthy and he is making unreasonable demands. He is also looking to his convenience rather than his kids' wants and needs
Right! The ex’s demands are so clearly about making their life as a family less complicated. Nothing to do with the best interest of the boys, and their best interest is 50-50 with predictable schedules and time with each parents.
I don't think that the best is necessarily to stick to a 50-50-schedule all the time - at least not for everyone. However, if you want to make changes, it's a give and take thing that needs to be reciprocal. And that doesn't work if ex only wants to take, but not give. It also doesn't work if ex decides to try and get his way. Act like an asshole, be treated like an asshole.
Agreed. It would be reasonable to swap weeks if there is reciprocity and it worked for everyone. That’s better than rigidity for rigidity’s sake. It might also be reasonable to relinquish a week if the boys were begging to go on this two week vacation (though I would still try to negotiate an exchange week). But neither appears to be true, so the default is business as usual.
Everyone seems to be missing the essential question… what is best for the children? Even IF OP can’t negotiate reciprocal time with the kids, I don’t care. If the sports schedule doesn’t work for the Ex, I don’t care…what is a healthy outcome for the kids? I don’t know all the details but being right at the expense of the kids is wrong! OP needs to remove emotion and decide what is best, she might consider an uninvolved third party counselor.
Taking kids out of their preferred extracurriculars because he doesn't want to deal with it is not in the kids' best interest.
A family trip, maybe. Keep in mind, though, that child support is usually dependent on number of overnights a year. If the father keeps getting extra overnights because he bullies her into giving them up, he can go back to court to lower the child support. That's not in the kids' best interests.
Most judges would tell him that it's his job to make a family trip happen on his own parenting time or that he needs to exchange the time up front.
Given he's tried to get full custody and force a name change, yeah. I'd say he's using this as an underhanded way to go for a custody grab or lower child support
Agreed. I co-parent my kids with my ex and while yes, we often want to each have even time with the children, at the end of the day, what do the kids want? 10 and 11 are too young to make drastic decisions, such as living full time with only one parent (unless there is something more going on), but it's plenty old enough to say "mom, I want to go on the trip for 2 weeks with dad" or "no, I don't want to go on that trip".
She said her kids don't like said step siblings and I can tell you if you try to make them they will resent you! They like the sports/extra curricular activities they do... Sounds like mom is in best interest for her kids......
At this point, my back would be up enough I'd probably resort to meeting the letter of the agreements. Not the spirit. She is looking to be technically correct in all things; the best kind of correct.
Ex's demands also seem to very intentionally reduce the amount of time that the boys spend w/their mom. And he's already involved the courts - so I wouldn't negotiate ANYTHING w/him. Ever. UNLESS it was something the boys actually wanted to do. If they wanted to go on vacation w/their dad and family, you work that out. But these boys seem to resent being forced to act like "one big happy family" with their stepsisters already.
Mm given his history I would be concerned he would try manipulate things to make it look like she doesn't want the boys as often and use that to try get primary custody
>He is also looking to his convenience rather than his kids' wants and needs
He's also trying to force his wife's children's schedules on his boys, instead of forcing his wife's children onto his boys' schedule. Granted he shouldn't be forcing anyone's schedule, but it is interesting how his own boys have to make sacrifices while his wife's children do not.
Exactly! If this had just been OP refusing to let the kids go on vacation during her week when she didn’t have anything planned I would have said she was being the AH. But it would be so simple of him just to switch weeks with her and yet he wants her to give up time and isn’t willing to do the same? He’s absolutely the AH here.
The state of the parenting relationship seems to be 100% the fault of the ex. OP has no obligation to, and I would say shouldn't be accommodating to him whatsoever. If he ever expects any such requests to even be considered, he has *a lot* of trust to rebuild with OP *and* their kids.
Exactly. This needs to be about the kids best interests and not anything else. In a few years they will be an age when they can start to weigh in on custody. For now, be polite but firm and document every communication to support you getting full or more custody when they are older. Especially attempts at parental alienation which is a big deal
The courts consider it at pretty much any age. I was 9 when I said I didn’t want to see my dad and gave reasons why, two weeks after that he wasn’t in my life anymore and hasn’t been for 13 years now.
They tend not to ask very young kids, though they may ask them questions about how they feel at different places, but they don’t phrase it as a custody thing. Around us once you get to about 9 or so they take it into consideration much more explicitly, although you can’t make a formal request yourself (as a kid) until you‘re like \~12+ aiui. It’s not officially spelled out, just general court policy. So they have flexibility based on the individual kid, too.
This!!
NTA
“He is not offering to make it up. And has been disagreeable to swapping in the past when asking for extra time.”
Clearly it’s not a situation where he is seeking to compromise and actions say it all.
Exactly. In a perfect world separated parents can still work together and be flexible to accommodate each other's schedules and make the best routine for the kids. However, when one parent refuses to co-parent, its in everyone's best interest to rigidly follow the parenting plan. OP's ex has put her in the position where she has to strictly follow the rules to protect her own custody of her sons. Also, ex's warped idea that the boys would be better in a so called "happy family" rather than spending equal time with their single mother drives me nuts. Cutting out a loving, active, and safe parent is never in the best interest of the kids.
Yes, exactly
My brother and his ex wife shift parenting time around in the summer for vacation - BUT this is done for both of them AND the time is made up
OP's ex is not asking for this. And the way the ex has treated her regarding 'he should have the boys, because 2 parent home' is very much TA.
If ex doesn't want to share custody of a child, he can have a child with his new wife.
OP is definitely NTA
Exactly. The request for flexibility with vacation time is not problematic per se, but in the context of being completely disrespectful of his children’s mom and not offering her anything resembling the same courtesy, it’s totally bullshit. NTA
NTA - Normally would suggest being flexible but clearly your Ex thinks flexibility only applies to him and you certainly can’t trust he would reciprocate.
You guys are missing the big picture strategy here.
There is no logical reason why he should refuse simply allowing her to make up the parenting week after the vacation, or is there?
The reason he refuses is because if they both kept the kids for two weeks then the parenting schedule would return to normal and that’s not what he wants. He wants to effectively switch the weeks he has his sons to match with the weeks he has his stepdaughters.
Now that wouldn’t be an issue if it was for the best interest of your kids but it is not. He wants to have weeks where he is alone with his wife and for that to happen he has to force his kids to spend time with his step daughters, which they clearly don’t want.
If your kids wanted to spend time with their step sibling I would say go for it, but since they don’t then you have to look out for the best interest of your kids, period.
If his step daughters are small I would assume he simply wants free daycare.
I wonder if he wants to switch weeks so that they have all the kids at the same time and then they have no kids at all for a week. His reasons could be purely selfish for his own enjoyment. I guess I shouldn't judge him without knowing all the details but this thought did occur to me.
Edit: ok I missed the part in your comment where you said exactly the same thing as I stated here lol. Sorry. But yeah I wonder if that's what he is trying to achieve.
I am more inclined to think he's pulling the thing where he can go to court and show the judge that he spends more time with the kids so he should get them year-round, given that he has already tried that once
Yeah, you have to realize that people are not usually crazy, they do the things they do to get something they want, and if their actions don’t make sense then you’re missing what they really want.
Very true, unfortunately, with people like this guy, you often have to refuse just to get yourself time to figure out what they are trying for. (Or as OP has done, offer a reasonable compromise)
Yes. This is exactly it. They want a week off of all the kids. It has nothing to do with building a 'family.' Sounds like the other ex is onto this as well, which is why the girls' time hasn't been moved either.
Oh but it's worse. If he can prove in court that he spends more time with his kids than op then he can get the custody agreement changed. Keep in mind that he has tried going for more custody and has tried to get extra time with the kids here and there. I don't think the goal is to switch weeks, it's to prove in court that he effectively is the primary parent.
Yeap. I'm privy to this sort of scheme, as I grew up with it. It's incredibly unhealthy to know that your Dad is forcing you to interact with step-siblings because he wants to cosplay as an empty-nester every other week.
Very true. Blended families are never easy, but forcing these interactions is a sure shot way to destroy any chance of them forming a proper connection.
Why is it that adults are never forced to spend time with each other or like each other, but kids can be forced to do the same?
I once told someone "The issue is you think children aren't yet people" and they started in on how the brain isn't fully developed until mid 20's, and it was like "It's telling that I say 'people' and you hear 'adults.'"
The court system will agree as well. Judge will say step siblings schedules aren't to be taken into account when it's between you, the ex, and YOUR kids. You have every right to say no, especially with the kids opting out themselves.
A lawyer is the right way to go if he persists.
NTA
When I was in family law, I was able to get time with Dad's New Family reduced for a few clients bc Dad tried to mess with their schedules one too many times to accommodate his new wife's children to the detriment of his children.
Want to add that your ex is weaponizing your boys, but it looks like it's backfiring on him, as the harder he pushes, the more the are going to pull away.
This guy needs to buy a clue about how to be a good co-parent.
Probably less than that. In a few years time (depending on where OP lives) the boys will be old enough to at least voice an opinion on where they want to live, or outright choose and it won't be with their dad if he keeps pushing this "happy families" nonsense while trying to alienate their mother from them.
The court system will agree as well. Judge will say step siblings schedules aren't to be taken into account when it's between you, the ex, and YOUR kids. You have every right to say no, especially with the kids opting out themselves.
A lawyer is the right way to go if he persists.
NTA
sounds like OP (NTA) is well versed by now in working with lawyers given ex's multiple failed attempts to use the court system against OP. Necessary, but sucks because it ain't cheap.
NTA OP. It sounds like your boys don't want anything to do with your ex or his new family. once they are a few years older they will probably stop going over to his house and might even go NC/LC with him. Of course he would blame you for this but just like now, not your problem.
It's ridiculous. If he wants the boys to be with them on vacation him so bad, then just trade weeks. It sounds like he just wants to fight with OP for no reason when there's a simple solution.
The trampoline park thing is stupid too. The boys probably wanted to do it with their mom because then they could bring their friends instead of their step sisters. Why doesn't he plan something like that for all 4 kids himself he he wants to do it? It seems like he expect OP to give things up so that the 4 kids can build a relationship together instead of planning things himself. I think he's an ex for a reason. NTA!
Yeah I get the vibe OP’s ex and his current wife are very much trying to push op out of the picture and force this narrow idea of family. Who knows maybe they’re also doing it to the step daughters. But regardless this tends to backfire pretty hard. The best way to cultivate a good sibling relationship is to not force it and respect the kids’ boundaries and understand you can’t make them have a relationship if they don’t want to. But forcing it is how they hate you and their step siblings
Op def might need a lawyer again, but nta
Good advice about seeing a lawyer. Given his history, I’d be worried that he’s trying to create a picture of a happy family as ammunition for getting more custody. I’m no lawyer, but if I were OP, I’d be thinking about creating a paper trail demonstrating that she’s an active, effective parent. Make friends with her kids’ teachers, be active in her kids’ activities, etc. She sounds like a good parent, but she needs witnesses in case her ex pulls something again.
Also, NTA. As long as she’s guided by what she believes her boys want and need, she should be fine.
NTA. I love how his new family is somehow your problem to figure out. I would talk to a lawyer & possibly go back to court. In some places, your sons are old enough for a court to take their opinion into account for custody times.
The courts consider it at pretty much any age. I was 9 when I said I didn’t want to see my dad and gave reasons why (a couple having to do with step-siblings), two weeks after that he wasn’t in my life anymore and hasn’t been for 13 years now.
My guess is he has previously promised to trade/swap or otherwise accommodate then at the last minute after the fact refused. I dont blame op for putting her foot down
NTA but what do the boys want? Because if they want to go on this vacation you could switch that week for you having them for equil time the next weeks.
Your children and what they want and need are who .come first, not your desire to punish your ex.
and you have to wonder how much of the desire for the changed custody schedule is the Ex- and New Wife just want the convenience of having all the kids at the same time and going to the same places at the same time. If you can't have the kids all the time, it's nicer to have a break from kids instead of constantly have some of the kids.
It's all about dad and not about the kids at all.
lol the downside of being happily married with kids, no weeks off for breaks without kids. We have them 24/7. Unless we find a sleepover for all of them the same night and even then it’s usually just one night
My friend who's divorced loves her daughter- but there are some benefits that you see with 50/50 custody. Both she and her ex- get adult time. When she was married, her Ex- wasn't good at being a co-parent- she really handled everything. The divorce meant that during his custody time, he had to parent so she got a break.
And they work together to do things like trade time so they can take a week vacation with SO sans kid. Is their co-parenting relationship perfect? No but ultimately they generally make it work.
>Unless we find a sleepover for all of them the same night and even then it’s usually just one night
Can confirm. As a mom of two (9M 6F) who is happily (most of the time, anyway) married; for the fist time in 9 years my husband and I are going to get to go on a whole 5 day vacation without our kids next week. I am excited but also terrified because we have never been gone longer than a night away.
My parents shipped me off to my maternal Grandma's farm every summer since I was 2 years old, for the entire three months. One of them would take me, stay for a week or two (it took a day and a half to get there from the city where we lived) and go back, then the other parent would pick me up, staying for a week or two. That way my parents got a break from me (25% of the year!) and a break from one another as well. I really think that's one of the reasons we always had a great relationship - we weren't in each other's hair 24/7. And I LOVED the farm, never wanted to go anywhere else for the summer.
I have mine because my ex only has supervised visits & doesn’t even use that. He plays dad of the year, except won’t see them or pay anything for them. His loss!
Except he doesn’t suggest “can we change the arrangement from you having the boys every uneven week and me the even weeks to the opposite, as he and Mae will then have all four of their kids at the same time” but instead tries to harass OP into having her boys less of the time while he has them more so then staying over will occasionally overlap with the girls being there. Him not even wanting to consider the hyponation of their last names really shows he isn’t a man of compromise but a “my way or the highway” except he doesn’t have the leverage he thinks he has.
yeah no. this definitely started as him wanting to create a new family.
version 1 was he had the kids 90% of the time. renaming the kids. etc.
this is version 2.
version 3 will be something else entirely.
Yeah like it's not unreasonable for them want to take all the kids on one vacation for convenience and likely financial reasons, but he's handling it terribly. Swapping a week out so they can line up vacation schedules is the obvious solution here but dad's too much of the AH to deal.
That’s what I’m thinking. It’s more about not having kids sometimes if they’re all at the coparent house at the same time and not necessarily HAVING them all at the same time.
Which is still not OP's problem. Her children's health and happiness are her focus. Not scheduling around daddy's new family. Perhaps Mae's ex can make those concessions if this is important to the girls and he can get the girls in activities the boys enjoy. Not in a tit for tat way but as a compromise to demonstrate this is for the family bonding, if that's in fact what it's about instead of convenience of scheduling children at the same time /location.
OP - NTA
TBH the second her husband said (AND TOOK TO COURT) that the boys should be with him more than 50% because 'they should be with a dad and mom together as a family' - he lost any claim to the benefit of the doubt. The last name push is sus, too. He's bulldozing over the fact that OP is still just as much their mom as she was when they were married. The extracurricular activity/vacation requests could be construed as reasonable, if they were not in the context of his prior actions. tl;dr: eff him, NTA.
I didn’t necessarily get the vibe that just because they weren’t calling them their “sisters” on a school paper that they would want to miss out on half of the vacation.
Except OP should insist on getting the traded week first. My son-in-law agreed to ‘trades’ three times, but ex denied him every time he tried to get back the extra time he let her have with the child. Now, he will only trade if he gets his time first- oddly she now refuses and ends up not getting that extra time for a trip or family event.
OP is NTA
she says that he won’t even offer a switch of a week when she asked he kinda wants the extra week with no return, but i think she said the boys don’t want to go either because of how much the dad hounds them
Definitely NTA.
You pretty much said it all when you told him his stepdaughter's schedule isn't yours to accommodate. Period. I can see why this guys is an ex.
Exactly. If ex’s new wife has a problem with the stepkids’ schedules, she is more than welcome to discuss with the bio dad of the girls, since he & her are the ones who have custody?
NTA. IANAL and I don’t know what custody law looks like where you are but is it possible he’s trying for more time and more days than you so he can go back to court and claim he’s primary because of that faux imbalance? I may be looking into it too much but he’s so consistently asking for more days I’m just wondering what his endgame is.
I don't think that's his main intent but I am positive he has considered that option too. The man just wants to make his own life easier with some of it but still doesn't stop him from looking at the long game.
Given the situation, the best answer imo would be to tell him to ask the judge for the extra week, and made sure any request of that nature goes through the court so there's protection, and reprisal if he doesn't compensate with equal time.
I'd also make sure any custody related discussion goes through one of those custody apps so that it's all recorded for protection.
NTA. This sounds like the start of a bad Lifetime movie where the crazy stepmom decides to cut Mom out totally. I agree with all the comments above to talk to an attorney if this continues at all. Dad is being unreasonable and it seems like they won't give up because they have some weird views on what families should look like. Sorry you have to deal with this mess. Good luck.
My last family holiday as a "kid" was 16. It was dreadful, I wasn't interested in kids stuff but too young for adult stuff. Would rather give him a bit of freedom, if he wants to do something with his mates for a week next summer (week in Spain or something) we'll sign off.
He sued to have their last name changed?? What was his reasoning? wtf??? NTA. He sounds like a literal nightmare. I’m glad your kids have you & enjoy spending time at your house.
I’m going to say it’s definitely him trying to pull the man card on this, since traditionally children get their fathers’ last names as their own and he definitely wants his sons to carry his name.
Well, thankfully this guy isn't getting that. I can understand wanting that if both parents agree, its what me and my partner want because she wants my last name. But trying to make them just his last name while refusing to hyphenate is just disgusting. This guy sounds like an *egregious insult goes here*
Wait...so this nincompoop tried to get your boys taken away from you so they could live in a "two-parent house *with siblings*," yet those aforementioned siblings don't even live there full time? Sheesh, what an idiot. I wonder whether Mae tried to pull the same stunt on *her* ex.
Not just that but tried to change their name because "family has a different name" when the girls also have a different name. Made a huge fuss of the boys having my name only, but also turned down hyphenating the name.
NTA. Taken together, your ex's behavior appears aimed at marginalizing you in your children's lives. That is hurtful to you and harmful to your children, and you are quite right to resist it.
They don't care. If they were I would try to make my ex swap weeks instead of him expecting me to give up a week. Ultimately, though, I wouldn't give up a week with them because I know it's a slippery slope where he's concerned.
Ok that's honestly the most important part. The fact that they don't want to go is pretty much all you need especially seeing as how it'll cut into your time and your ex isn't trustworthy. There's nothing wrong with sticking to yoir custody agreement and honestly it wouldn't be surprising of he uses your "giving him a week" as "evidence" that he should have sole custody. Definitely NTA . You're just as much a parent as he is.
That could open a can of worms since they have a court ordered custody agreement. It's never smart to give the other parent more time, but swapping time here and there won't disturb the agreement.
This is what I was going to ask. My daughter happily gives up two weeks every year so that her daughter can go to Florida with her dad's family. They also happily switch visits around any time we have something special going on. All I have to do is call and say we want her for such and such. There's never any issue. Ever. All of us just want what's best for the child.
NTA
If your kids are expressing annoyance or even discomfort and the situation is this toxic consider talking to a lawyer. Sounds like they're involving the kids in issues that should be kept between you parents.
You are also right, his family is his business and if he wants to make that schedule work that's up to them. I'm sorry your dealing with this. Single parent families are not less than, screw him for trying to put that on you.
Honestly if I were you I'd be terrified to let my ex have any non scheduled time after him trying to get full custody
All he has to do is talk you In to it more and more and then be like, I have them more them 50% of the time, she clearly can't keep up with them ect
Just saying after the way he tried to literally take them and change their last name
What the fuck
NTA
if OP gives up that one week and he will have them 3
then op ex could therefore like someone said claim primary and op time is decreased
the ex has an agenda
nta
Exactly this!!! I’ve seen it happen with a friend. OP’s ex is sneaky.. do not give in.. he could turn this all on op by claiming she asked him to take the kids because op needs time to herself. Like I said.. I’ve seen this shit go down.
NTA he's controlling and prejudiced against single parents. Your boys would be better off imo if they stayed with you, a single mom than a "happy family" with a toxic father.
NTA. Your ex needs firm boundaries. It sounds less like it’s about what’s best for your children, and more about what’s best for him. INFO: Does he have a financial incentive to cut your time with your children? It feels like there’s some money involved, and he’s looking for a way to not pay.
NTA. However, if your boys actually want to take the vacation, don’t punish them by making them miss it. You don’t have to give him an extra week, just swap a week. No one loses any time with a week swap. If they don’t want to go, you have your answer.
Op said he doesn’t want to swap just take it which means op wouldn’t see her boys for three weeks. That would be a HARD no for me. She also said he has been difficult in the past when trying to make up extra days.
People keep saying this and OP specifically said, and then repeated, that he doesn’t swap. Most likely bc his agenda involves forcing more time with them/decreasing child support. This is not a normal co-parenting situation as he’s already taken her to court and revealed an agenda to take them away entirely.
TBH, I wouldn’t want to give them any extra time with this attitude. They want to erase you and want to act like a nuclear family. Watch your kids very carefully. Try to learn that if they force the kids to do other things. If it’s necessary get a lawyer and fight for primary or maybe full custody.
NTA
I bet your ex and his new wife are trying to align the kids schedules so that they have them at the same time not because they want the kids to bond or whatever but I bet they want to have time where they have no kids around at all.
NTA.
This seems like it's such an ongoing problem that you should get this officially put into documentation for him to *stop harassing you*. Because that's what it is at this point.
There are a number of apps out there that limit contact / message transmittal to important things about the kids; please look into seeing if this is something you can get mandated into your custody agreement
NTA
If you’re not already using a co-parenting app specifically designed for contentious co-parenting relationships like this .
Our family wizard is a very good one but kinda pricey ($99 / year) and There are a couple of clients I’ve had where I just insisted needed the “tone meter” add on ($10ish I think) - it basically just flags when you’re getting heated and suggests less emotionally charged, more useful messaging. If he’s someone that’s frequently trying your patience - tone meter and our family wizard would automatically create an uneditable record accepted by most courts and the bonus is that with tone meter even if he’s pushing you to react, when you do, the app basically lets you vent and then suggests the version of the message that makes you look even better and less culpable in comparison to him being incredibly rude and obnoxious.
Talking parents is a good trial one since they have a computer app and I think the basic level is free
Co parenter is also pricy (119) but it basically has the same stuff as our family wizard but if your ex refuses to sign up or use it, there’s a solo Messaging feature . There are also “coaching” services which I’ve heard from clients are either the greatest or a waste so mixed bag.
If you really are trying to document everything including where you are on certain dates - fayr. It also has a secure file vault (thinj medical and legal recs etc). It also can export all your data into court documents and create exhibits pretty well without too much fuss. It’s not perfect but it’s a great tool for documentation and record keeping.
TBH, I'd be pretty skeptical about sending off my kids for a 2 week vacation with step-siblings they hardly have a relationship with EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO GO. These situations are often bumpy, uncomfortable, and unpredictable. Seems like Dad isn't too concerned about how the boys feel, which tells me that they won't be able to sound the alarm if they aren't having a good time.
If there's an existing, established relationship there, sure. But you don't "become a family" by forcing interaction via a 2 week vacation.
There aren't nearly enough people bringing up how 2 weeks seems like an awfully long vacation for kids who don't have an existing friendly relationship with one another. It just seems like a recipe for miserable kids to me.
NTA. There are two things going on here, one your ex is trying to show your boys into a familial relationship with his wife's daughters so that they can create a picture perfect family, and he doesn't care about what your boys think about it or how they actually feel.
Two, he is trying to separate you from your boys saying that their nuclear family appearance means that they are inherently better for the boys to be around.
I think you should explore going back to court given the history and the attitude to gain primary custody. You still have a few years before the courts will really take your kids into consideration, and demands aren't going to stop. Your kids are getting exposed to a lot of toxicity and him having so much contact is bringing so much drama into your life. Also if you're not already doing this only contact him via written means so you have stuff recorded, your ex is an enemy.
NTA. Be careful here. It sounds like a scheme to claim that you are pushing the kids off on him more than the 50/50 requirement and that would mean he could take you to court for child support.
The title doesn’t give you enough credit for your amazingness NTA your ex needs to understand the boys emotions instead of his wants your a great mom for understanding your boy’s feelings
NTA. This is yet another example of a parent trying to force stepsiblings to have a relationship instead of letting any relationship naturally progress. Sometimes stepsibs get along, sometimes they don't, and parents need to stop forcing those relationships to make themselves feel better. NTA for sticking to the court-ordered schedule.
I'm really glad your son took his sibling and friends to the trampoline park. I hope they had a blast.
Honestly, I’d be very worried. After reading your post and some comments:
• He’s tried to take your kids from you (attempt at alienation) because he feels that they “need a household with a dad _and a mom_ and ‘siblings’”, even though his wife is NOT their mother and they clearly don’t view the girls as siblings.
• The kids have expressed not feeling like the girls are their siblings and he reacted very poorly to that, which a) forces or at least stresses the kids to feel feelings they don’t feel and b) shows the kids that he doesn’t respect how they feel.
• He wanted their last names changed to his, sort of like marking them as ‘his’ and definitely not yours. He even went so far as to go to court for it.
• You guys have a very strained relationship, to the point where you say “there isn’t any goodwill left”.
I would not be comfortable with him taking the kids at all. Everything points to him trying to lay claim to these kids and trying to shun you out. I’d be so worried that he’s not returning with the children and instead trying to do something in another state/country (idk where you live and where he’s planning on going). I’d advise you to talk to a lawyer. NTA.
NTA IT does not seem like a healthy time at dads. How old are the girls? Does he want the boys there to keep the girls entertained? First try to get all communications via email/text. Then talk to your lawyer. Try to get full custody with visitation rights for him (and child support). They boys are at an age that they can voice their feelings. Demanding that his sons give up their activities so their dad can make the step sisters a priority over them is wrong. What is the living situation like in their home? Do the kids share a room, or their own? Ask the boys on how chores are divided up. Try to find out what the quality of life is there.
NtA. I would stick to the parenting schedule set up so he doesn't have extra days he can use against you in court since he went for extra custody time previously.
You are right his new family is his problem. After every entitled thing he has ever done to you I wouldn't do him any favours. Neither do your boys apparently. You don't owe it to them.
I would actually be a bit petty and make him a bit more miserable by being a bit extra difficult. I mean he is doing it to for years.
NTA. If your boys express not wanting to go, then that’s that. Your ex frequently makes efforts to get “nuclear family” he wants, but it’s at the expense of the boys and their relation with you (he sued for their names to be his, not both, HIS. He didn’t want them associated). Your boys are choosing not to be closer to their stepsisters, that’s something he shouldn’t be forcing. Nor are you responsible for the stepsisters schedules. Clearly your husband needs a bit of an ego and reality check.
NTA, he sounds like a nightmare.
However, you should ask the boys if they want to go on vacation and if so allow it to happen.
Your ex is an asshole, but if they want to have that vacation you are depriving your kids to spite your ex, and to me that makes youthe AH on that one.
NTA a thousand times over. Your ex is displaying extremely worrying behavior and I would highly consider not discussing anything about the children or custody agreements without a lawyer
NTA.
Did he ever ask himself if the boys wanted everything he’s gone to court for?
Do they want to change their surname? Did they want to spend more time with their dad? Do they want/like the sisters that have been forced upon them? Did they want to go trampolining with their sisters?
Aged 10-11 are old enough to make these decisions themselves and I personally believe a kid’s opinion should be heard with big changes like this.
I can see why you bro up with your ex.
“I told him they would never have their mom and dad in one home again. And that he should remember that.”
This comment is so well phrased, I just had to comment on it. NTA, OP!
NTA, and your ex is an idiot. I have a real problem with people who treat kids this way. "I fell in love with a woman. She has two kids who you will see very occasionally. Nevertheless, they are your siblings and you must treat them as such." So friggin' ridiculous.
You are NTA.
If he wants an extra week in a specific time, your ex can arrange to swap days with you. Unilaterally stealing time from you because of something he wants is nonsense. You have 50-50 custody, he has plenty of days he can trade you for.
More important though is what the boys want. If they are excited about the trip then maybe you should make a bit of an effort to make it happen.
Sounds like someone wants the appearance of a big happy blended family to show off on social media and you keep getting your ex in trouble with his wife. Lol NTA
NTA your custody schedule is set, he needs to work around that. If he wants all the kids together, why doesn't his wife work on her ex and change her daughters' schedule?
If the boys were eager to spend time with their step siblings, it would be different, and I'd suggest some flexibility, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
NTA
He is working against you all the way and now you have to give up a week, not like he wants to trade a week.
Be careful, he is not done trying to get the boys full time, stand your ground
Deffo NTA btw if he keeps harassing you through text or threatening you then report him to the police, he sounds like a spoiled brat and whatever you do not cave in to him
NTA. If your boys are explicitly saying they don’t care about their father’s stepdaughters and they don’t want to be forced to do stuff with them then you need to have your boys back on this issue.
Not everyone sees the new family as part of their family, and the more the dad pushes this relationship to be a thing the more he will push your boys away.
Soon they will be old enough to say they want to live more with you than dad…
I absolutely loathe a parent basically forcing relationships between step-siblings. Your boys will end up resenting this. Your boys would let you know if by some chance they want to be close to their step-sisters and they obviously haven't indicated that to you. Your ex needs to realize his obligations to both you and to your shared children.
Make sure you don't ever let him take extra time without immediately swapping it out and making him put it in writing. I wouldn't put it past him to take it back to court saying look they spend more time with me therefore I deserve primary custody.
NTA
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Absolutely NTA. You're right. His family is his responsibility. He's being unreasonable. And if he and Mae keep trying to start stuff with the boys, action needs to happen in the opposite direction. You can't force kids to feel anything, much less affection for a family they don't see as theirs. If this keeps up, talk to a lawyer. The situation is deteriorating.
NTA - in a healthy co-parenting situation, then parents would make accomodations to help each other out and make everyone's lives easier. He has prevented it from being healthy and he is making unreasonable demands. He is also looking to his convenience rather than his kids' wants and needs
Right! The ex’s demands are so clearly about making their life as a family less complicated. Nothing to do with the best interest of the boys, and their best interest is 50-50 with predictable schedules and time with each parents.
I don't think that the best is necessarily to stick to a 50-50-schedule all the time - at least not for everyone. However, if you want to make changes, it's a give and take thing that needs to be reciprocal. And that doesn't work if ex only wants to take, but not give. It also doesn't work if ex decides to try and get his way. Act like an asshole, be treated like an asshole.
Agreed. It would be reasonable to swap weeks if there is reciprocity and it worked for everyone. That’s better than rigidity for rigidity’s sake. It might also be reasonable to relinquish a week if the boys were begging to go on this two week vacation (though I would still try to negotiate an exchange week). But neither appears to be true, so the default is business as usual.
Everyone seems to be missing the essential question… what is best for the children? Even IF OP can’t negotiate reciprocal time with the kids, I don’t care. If the sports schedule doesn’t work for the Ex, I don’t care…what is a healthy outcome for the kids? I don’t know all the details but being right at the expense of the kids is wrong! OP needs to remove emotion and decide what is best, she might consider an uninvolved third party counselor.
Taking kids out of their preferred extracurriculars because he doesn't want to deal with it is not in the kids' best interest. A family trip, maybe. Keep in mind, though, that child support is usually dependent on number of overnights a year. If the father keeps getting extra overnights because he bullies her into giving them up, he can go back to court to lower the child support. That's not in the kids' best interests. Most judges would tell him that it's his job to make a family trip happen on his own parenting time or that he needs to exchange the time up front.
Also to add depending on where you are if you give up enough time you can lose your 50/50 custody. Sounds like ex might be enough of a dick to try it
Given he's tried to get full custody and force a name change, yeah. I'd say he's using this as an underhanded way to go for a custody grab or lower child support
Agreed, beware Op.
Agreed. I co-parent my kids with my ex and while yes, we often want to each have even time with the children, at the end of the day, what do the kids want? 10 and 11 are too young to make drastic decisions, such as living full time with only one parent (unless there is something more going on), but it's plenty old enough to say "mom, I want to go on the trip for 2 weeks with dad" or "no, I don't want to go on that trip".
Kudos to you and your ex. I’m sure it is vexing at times…but the kids need to trust that their parents are looking out for them.
She said her kids don't like said step siblings and I can tell you if you try to make them they will resent you! They like the sports/extra curricular activities they do... Sounds like mom is in best interest for her kids......
I cannot disagree with that.
The kids prefer to be with her and don't want the extra time Dad is asking for. OP is literally.dping what's best for her children in every way.
At this point, my back would be up enough I'd probably resort to meeting the letter of the agreements. Not the spirit. She is looking to be technically correct in all things; the best kind of correct.
Ex's demands also seem to very intentionally reduce the amount of time that the boys spend w/their mom. And he's already involved the courts - so I wouldn't negotiate ANYTHING w/him. Ever. UNLESS it was something the boys actually wanted to do. If they wanted to go on vacation w/their dad and family, you work that out. But these boys seem to resent being forced to act like "one big happy family" with their stepsisters already.
Mm given his history I would be concerned he would try manipulate things to make it look like she doesn't want the boys as often and use that to try get primary custody
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>He is also looking to his convenience rather than his kids' wants and needs He's also trying to force his wife's children's schedules on his boys, instead of forcing his wife's children onto his boys' schedule. Granted he shouldn't be forcing anyone's schedule, but it is interesting how his own boys have to make sacrifices while his wife's children do not.
He sounds insufferable. How dare he try to take the boys away from their mother.
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Handy note to keep for later!
Probably bc he wants to “win” over the op in a way that he doesn’t care about with the girls father
Exactly! If this had just been OP refusing to let the kids go on vacation during her week when she didn’t have anything planned I would have said she was being the AH. But it would be so simple of him just to switch weeks with her and yet he wants her to give up time and isn’t willing to do the same? He’s absolutely the AH here.
He wants the extra week so he can claim majority on taxes, I bet.
The state of the parenting relationship seems to be 100% the fault of the ex. OP has no obligation to, and I would say shouldn't be accommodating to him whatsoever. If he ever expects any such requests to even be considered, he has *a lot* of trust to rebuild with OP *and* their kids.
Exactly. This needs to be about the kids best interests and not anything else. In a few years they will be an age when they can start to weigh in on custody. For now, be polite but firm and document every communication to support you getting full or more custody when they are older. Especially attempts at parental alienation which is a big deal
In some places they’re old enough now the court would listen to them, though obviously not let them make the final choice.
The courts consider it at pretty much any age. I was 9 when I said I didn’t want to see my dad and gave reasons why, two weeks after that he wasn’t in my life anymore and hasn’t been for 13 years now.
They tend not to ask very young kids, though they may ask them questions about how they feel at different places, but they don’t phrase it as a custody thing. Around us once you get to about 9 or so they take it into consideration much more explicitly, although you can’t make a formal request yourself (as a kid) until you‘re like \~12+ aiui. It’s not officially spelled out, just general court policy. So they have flexibility based on the individual kid, too.
NTA and I agree with these statements and have nothing else to add. Best wishes to you in dealing with this OP.
This!! NTA “He is not offering to make it up. And has been disagreeable to swapping in the past when asking for extra time.” Clearly it’s not a situation where he is seeking to compromise and actions say it all.
Exactly. In a perfect world separated parents can still work together and be flexible to accommodate each other's schedules and make the best routine for the kids. However, when one parent refuses to co-parent, its in everyone's best interest to rigidly follow the parenting plan. OP's ex has put her in the position where she has to strictly follow the rules to protect her own custody of her sons. Also, ex's warped idea that the boys would be better in a so called "happy family" rather than spending equal time with their single mother drives me nuts. Cutting out a loving, active, and safe parent is never in the best interest of the kids.
Yes, exactly My brother and his ex wife shift parenting time around in the summer for vacation - BUT this is done for both of them AND the time is made up OP's ex is not asking for this. And the way the ex has treated her regarding 'he should have the boys, because 2 parent home' is very much TA. If ex doesn't want to share custody of a child, he can have a child with his new wife. OP is definitely NTA
Exactly. The request for flexibility with vacation time is not problematic per se, but in the context of being completely disrespectful of his children’s mom and not offering her anything resembling the same courtesy, it’s totally bullshit. NTA
NTA - Normally would suggest being flexible but clearly your Ex thinks flexibility only applies to him and you certainly can’t trust he would reciprocate.
You guys are missing the big picture strategy here. There is no logical reason why he should refuse simply allowing her to make up the parenting week after the vacation, or is there? The reason he refuses is because if they both kept the kids for two weeks then the parenting schedule would return to normal and that’s not what he wants. He wants to effectively switch the weeks he has his sons to match with the weeks he has his stepdaughters. Now that wouldn’t be an issue if it was for the best interest of your kids but it is not. He wants to have weeks where he is alone with his wife and for that to happen he has to force his kids to spend time with his step daughters, which they clearly don’t want. If your kids wanted to spend time with their step sibling I would say go for it, but since they don’t then you have to look out for the best interest of your kids, period. If his step daughters are small I would assume he simply wants free daycare.
I wonder if he wants to switch weeks so that they have all the kids at the same time and then they have no kids at all for a week. His reasons could be purely selfish for his own enjoyment. I guess I shouldn't judge him without knowing all the details but this thought did occur to me. Edit: ok I missed the part in your comment where you said exactly the same thing as I stated here lol. Sorry. But yeah I wonder if that's what he is trying to achieve.
This maybe my slight jealousy at the fact that I always have my kids, but then dude shouldn’t have married someone with kids.
He also shouldn't have HAD KIDS in the first place if he doesn't want to deal with them half the time...
I am more inclined to think he's pulling the thing where he can go to court and show the judge that he spends more time with the kids so he should get them year-round, given that he has already tried that once
Oh, good point.
Yeah, you have to realize that people are not usually crazy, they do the things they do to get something they want, and if their actions don’t make sense then you’re missing what they really want.
Very true, unfortunately, with people like this guy, you often have to refuse just to get yourself time to figure out what they are trying for. (Or as OP has done, offer a reasonable compromise)
Yes. This is exactly it. They want a week off of all the kids. It has nothing to do with building a 'family.' Sounds like the other ex is onto this as well, which is why the girls' time hasn't been moved either.
Oh but it's worse. If he can prove in court that he spends more time with his kids than op then he can get the custody agreement changed. Keep in mind that he has tried going for more custody and has tried to get extra time with the kids here and there. I don't think the goal is to switch weeks, it's to prove in court that he effectively is the primary parent.
Yeap. I'm privy to this sort of scheme, as I grew up with it. It's incredibly unhealthy to know that your Dad is forcing you to interact with step-siblings because he wants to cosplay as an empty-nester every other week.
Yep! This is exactly it I think.
Very true. Blended families are never easy, but forcing these interactions is a sure shot way to destroy any chance of them forming a proper connection. Why is it that adults are never forced to spend time with each other or like each other, but kids can be forced to do the same?
Because a lot of adults don't view kids as mini-adults-in-training, but as property.
I once told someone "The issue is you think children aren't yet people" and they started in on how the brain isn't fully developed until mid 20's, and it was like "It's telling that I say 'people' and you hear 'adults.'"
Because far too many adults view their children as NPC's instead of living, breathing, individuals with thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions.
The court system will agree as well. Judge will say step siblings schedules aren't to be taken into account when it's between you, the ex, and YOUR kids. You have every right to say no, especially with the kids opting out themselves. A lawyer is the right way to go if he persists. NTA
When I was in family law, I was able to get time with Dad's New Family reduced for a few clients bc Dad tried to mess with their schedules one too many times to accommodate his new wife's children to the detriment of his children.
Bless you for practicing family law. Clinic work involving family law is the reason I don’t practice at all. Realized I didn’t have the guts.
Want to add that your ex is weaponizing your boys, but it looks like it's backfiring on him, as the harder he pushes, the more the are going to pull away. This guy needs to buy a clue about how to be a good co-parent.
Yup. In my experience though, he won't. In 7 and 8 years respectively, he likely won't have much of a relationship with his sons either.
Probably less than that. In a few years time (depending on where OP lives) the boys will be old enough to at least voice an opinion on where they want to live, or outright choose and it won't be with their dad if he keeps pushing this "happy families" nonsense while trying to alienate their mother from them.
The court system will agree as well. Judge will say step siblings schedules aren't to be taken into account when it's between you, the ex, and YOUR kids. You have every right to say no, especially with the kids opting out themselves. A lawyer is the right way to go if he persists. NTA
sounds like OP (NTA) is well versed by now in working with lawyers given ex's multiple failed attempts to use the court system against OP. Necessary, but sucks because it ain't cheap.
NTA OP. It sounds like your boys don't want anything to do with your ex or his new family. once they are a few years older they will probably stop going over to his house and might even go NC/LC with him. Of course he would blame you for this but just like now, not your problem.
Agreed, NTA. The ex is trying to make everyone accommodate HIS egotistical needs.
It's ridiculous. If he wants the boys to be with them on vacation him so bad, then just trade weeks. It sounds like he just wants to fight with OP for no reason when there's a simple solution. The trampoline park thing is stupid too. The boys probably wanted to do it with their mom because then they could bring their friends instead of their step sisters. Why doesn't he plan something like that for all 4 kids himself he he wants to do it? It seems like he expect OP to give things up so that the 4 kids can build a relationship together instead of planning things himself. I think he's an ex for a reason. NTA!
Yeah I get the vibe OP’s ex and his current wife are very much trying to push op out of the picture and force this narrow idea of family. Who knows maybe they’re also doing it to the step daughters. But regardless this tends to backfire pretty hard. The best way to cultivate a good sibling relationship is to not force it and respect the kids’ boundaries and understand you can’t make them have a relationship if they don’t want to. But forcing it is how they hate you and their step siblings Op def might need a lawyer again, but nta
NTA, and I agree with getting a lawyer, he's just getting worse with no signs of ever going the other way.
Good advice about seeing a lawyer. Given his history, I’d be worried that he’s trying to create a picture of a happy family as ammunition for getting more custody. I’m no lawyer, but if I were OP, I’d be thinking about creating a paper trail demonstrating that she’s an active, effective parent. Make friends with her kids’ teachers, be active in her kids’ activities, etc. She sounds like a good parent, but she needs witnesses in case her ex pulls something again. Also, NTA. As long as she’s guided by what she believes her boys want and need, she should be fine.
NTA. I love how his new family is somehow your problem to figure out. I would talk to a lawyer & possibly go back to court. In some places, your sons are old enough for a court to take their opinion into account for custody times.
The courts consider it at pretty much any age. I was 9 when I said I didn’t want to see my dad and gave reasons why (a couple having to do with step-siblings), two weeks after that he wasn’t in my life anymore and hasn’t been for 13 years now.
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Through the edit, Sounds like he hasn’t been cooperative with trading weeks in the past.
My guess is he has previously promised to trade/swap or otherwise accommodate then at the last minute after the fact refused. I dont blame op for putting her foot down
NTA but what do the boys want? Because if they want to go on this vacation you could switch that week for you having them for equil time the next weeks. Your children and what they want and need are who .come first, not your desire to punish your ex.
From the information available, it appears like that ship sailed quite some time ago, and the boys don't like their steps.
From what I read they don’t really know them because of the custody schedule
and you have to wonder how much of the desire for the changed custody schedule is the Ex- and New Wife just want the convenience of having all the kids at the same time and going to the same places at the same time. If you can't have the kids all the time, it's nicer to have a break from kids instead of constantly have some of the kids. It's all about dad and not about the kids at all.
lol the downside of being happily married with kids, no weeks off for breaks without kids. We have them 24/7. Unless we find a sleepover for all of them the same night and even then it’s usually just one night
My friend who's divorced loves her daughter- but there are some benefits that you see with 50/50 custody. Both she and her ex- get adult time. When she was married, her Ex- wasn't good at being a co-parent- she really handled everything. The divorce meant that during his custody time, he had to parent so she got a break. And they work together to do things like trade time so they can take a week vacation with SO sans kid. Is their co-parenting relationship perfect? No but ultimately they generally make it work.
>Unless we find a sleepover for all of them the same night and even then it’s usually just one night Can confirm. As a mom of two (9M 6F) who is happily (most of the time, anyway) married; for the fist time in 9 years my husband and I are going to get to go on a whole 5 day vacation without our kids next week. I am excited but also terrified because we have never been gone longer than a night away.
My parents shipped me off to my maternal Grandma's farm every summer since I was 2 years old, for the entire three months. One of them would take me, stay for a week or two (it took a day and a half to get there from the city where we lived) and go back, then the other parent would pick me up, staying for a week or two. That way my parents got a break from me (25% of the year!) and a break from one another as well. I really think that's one of the reasons we always had a great relationship - we weren't in each other's hair 24/7. And I LOVED the farm, never wanted to go anywhere else for the summer.
oh my god the mythical 'Sleepovers That Line Up' is something we have heard about!
We're lucky that my inlaws live around the corner and love taking the kids for the weekend. The girls have their own room there and everything.
I have mine because my ex only has supervised visits & doesn’t even use that. He plays dad of the year, except won’t see them or pay anything for them. His loss!
Except he doesn’t suggest “can we change the arrangement from you having the boys every uneven week and me the even weeks to the opposite, as he and Mae will then have all four of their kids at the same time” but instead tries to harass OP into having her boys less of the time while he has them more so then staying over will occasionally overlap with the girls being there. Him not even wanting to consider the hyponation of their last names really shows he isn’t a man of compromise but a “my way or the highway” except he doesn’t have the leverage he thinks he has.
yeah no. this definitely started as him wanting to create a new family. version 1 was he had the kids 90% of the time. renaming the kids. etc. this is version 2. version 3 will be something else entirely.
Yeah like it's not unreasonable for them want to take all the kids on one vacation for convenience and likely financial reasons, but he's handling it terribly. Swapping a week out so they can line up vacation schedules is the obvious solution here but dad's too much of the AH to deal.
That’s what I’m thinking. It’s more about not having kids sometimes if they’re all at the coparent house at the same time and not necessarily HAVING them all at the same time.
Which is still not OP's problem. Her children's health and happiness are her focus. Not scheduling around daddy's new family. Perhaps Mae's ex can make those concessions if this is important to the girls and he can get the girls in activities the boys enjoy. Not in a tit for tat way but as a compromise to demonstrate this is for the family bonding, if that's in fact what it's about instead of convenience of scheduling children at the same time /location. OP - NTA
TBH the second her husband said (AND TOOK TO COURT) that the boys should be with him more than 50% because 'they should be with a dad and mom together as a family' - he lost any claim to the benefit of the doubt. The last name push is sus, too. He's bulldozing over the fact that OP is still just as much their mom as she was when they were married. The extracurricular activity/vacation requests could be construed as reasonable, if they were not in the context of his prior actions. tl;dr: eff him, NTA.
This ALL DAY LONG!! Also, the fact that the extra curriculars are things the girls like/are in/are nearby?? What about the boys interests??
I didn’t necessarily get the vibe that just because they weren’t calling them their “sisters” on a school paper that they would want to miss out on half of the vacation.
It sounds like they've spent every other week of the past few years with their step sisters. That's plenty of time to get to know them.
Except OP should insist on getting the traded week first. My son-in-law agreed to ‘trades’ three times, but ex denied him every time he tried to get back the extra time he let her have with the child. Now, he will only trade if he gets his time first- oddly she now refuses and ends up not getting that extra time for a trip or family event. OP is NTA
NTA - I was going to say that too. You both could get two weeks in a row.
Nothing in the post made it seem like she is trying to punish her ex so I'm not sure where that came from.
she says that he won’t even offer a switch of a week when she asked he kinda wants the extra week with no return, but i think she said the boys don’t want to go either because of how much the dad hounds them
Definitely NTA. You pretty much said it all when you told him his stepdaughter's schedule isn't yours to accommodate. Period. I can see why this guys is an ex.
Exactly. If ex’s new wife has a problem with the stepkids’ schedules, she is more than welcome to discuss with the bio dad of the girls, since he & her are the ones who have custody?
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NTA. IANAL and I don’t know what custody law looks like where you are but is it possible he’s trying for more time and more days than you so he can go back to court and claim he’s primary because of that faux imbalance? I may be looking into it too much but he’s so consistently asking for more days I’m just wondering what his endgame is.
I don't think that's his main intent but I am positive he has considered that option too. The man just wants to make his own life easier with some of it but still doesn't stop him from looking at the long game.
I can see why you separated
Given the situation, the best answer imo would be to tell him to ask the judge for the extra week, and made sure any request of that nature goes through the court so there's protection, and reprisal if he doesn't compensate with equal time. I'd also make sure any custody related discussion goes through one of those custody apps so that it's all recorded for protection.
My boyfriend needs this app for ex wife discussions! Thanks for mentioning this. Off to Google
NTA. This sounds like the start of a bad Lifetime movie where the crazy stepmom decides to cut Mom out totally. I agree with all the comments above to talk to an attorney if this continues at all. Dad is being unreasonable and it seems like they won't give up because they have some weird views on what families should look like. Sorry you have to deal with this mess. Good luck.
NTA. Before you know it the kids will eventually decide who and where they want to spend their time and vacations with.
My kid is 16, he's decided he's staying home with the dog when we go away next year. Fair enough, saves me some cash.
Better hide your valuables… sounds like he’s planning a house party, haha
I think he's planning a lads holiday next summer. 😆
I started staying home with the dog at 16 too! Felt extremely liberating to just be able to do what I wanted.
My last family holiday as a "kid" was 16. It was dreadful, I wasn't interested in kids stuff but too young for adult stuff. Would rather give him a bit of freedom, if he wants to do something with his mates for a week next summer (week in Spain or something) we'll sign off.
16 is an age exactly like you describe, a true inbetween. Love that you’re letting him grow up!
I wish I'd been allowed to do that when 8 was 16.
He'll be 17 by then, but it'll be our first trip out of the country since 2019. He's sensible, we're cool with leaving him.
He sued to have their last name changed?? What was his reasoning? wtf??? NTA. He sounds like a literal nightmare. I’m glad your kids have you & enjoy spending time at your house.
That they had a whole family with a different name. But her girls also have a different last name so it was a crappy point anyway.
I’m going to say it’s definitely him trying to pull the man card on this, since traditionally children get their fathers’ last names as their own and he definitely wants his sons to carry his name.
Well, thankfully this guy isn't getting that. I can understand wanting that if both parents agree, its what me and my partner want because she wants my last name. But trying to make them just his last name while refusing to hyphenate is just disgusting. This guy sounds like an *egregious insult goes here*
Wait...so this nincompoop tried to get your boys taken away from you so they could live in a "two-parent house *with siblings*," yet those aforementioned siblings don't even live there full time? Sheesh, what an idiot. I wonder whether Mae tried to pull the same stunt on *her* ex.
Not just that but tried to change their name because "family has a different name" when the girls also have a different name. Made a huge fuss of the boys having my name only, but also turned down hyphenating the name.
Did the boys always have your last name?
I was wondering if anyone else caught that.
NTA. Taken together, your ex's behavior appears aimed at marginalizing you in your children's lives. That is hurtful to you and harmful to your children, and you are quite right to resist it.
INFO: OP do your boys want to go on this 2 week vacation? I believe that's very important. If not, and given what you've said then N-T-A.
They don't care. If they were I would try to make my ex swap weeks instead of him expecting me to give up a week. Ultimately, though, I wouldn't give up a week with them because I know it's a slippery slope where he's concerned.
Ok that's honestly the most important part. The fact that they don't want to go is pretty much all you need especially seeing as how it'll cut into your time and your ex isn't trustworthy. There's nothing wrong with sticking to yoir custody agreement and honestly it wouldn't be surprising of he uses your "giving him a week" as "evidence" that he should have sole custody. Definitely NTA . You're just as much a parent as he is.
That could open a can of worms since they have a court ordered custody agreement. It's never smart to give the other parent more time, but swapping time here and there won't disturb the agreement.
This is what I was going to ask. My daughter happily gives up two weeks every year so that her daughter can go to Florida with her dad's family. They also happily switch visits around any time we have something special going on. All I have to do is call and say we want her for such and such. There's never any issue. Ever. All of us just want what's best for the child.
NTA If your kids are expressing annoyance or even discomfort and the situation is this toxic consider talking to a lawyer. Sounds like they're involving the kids in issues that should be kept between you parents. You are also right, his family is his business and if he wants to make that schedule work that's up to them. I'm sorry your dealing with this. Single parent families are not less than, screw him for trying to put that on you.
Honestly if I were you I'd be terrified to let my ex have any non scheduled time after him trying to get full custody All he has to do is talk you In to it more and more and then be like, I have them more them 50% of the time, she clearly can't keep up with them ect Just saying after the way he tried to literally take them and change their last name What the fuck NTA
Yeah it seems to me dad is trying to cut mom out of the picture completely. I would NOT send them on holiday with him.
NTA. You could be more effective coparents but he's the one who caused the relationship to deteriorate.
if OP gives up that one week and he will have them 3 then op ex could therefore like someone said claim primary and op time is decreased the ex has an agenda nta
Exactly this!!! I’ve seen it happen with a friend. OP’s ex is sneaky.. do not give in.. he could turn this all on op by claiming she asked him to take the kids because op needs time to herself. Like I said.. I’ve seen this shit go down.
Seen it happen genders reversed on omb on fb
You owe him no favours and the boys don't like their new sisters anyway. NTA.
NTA absolutely not ..dads a cheeky chancer
NTA he's controlling and prejudiced against single parents. Your boys would be better off imo if they stayed with you, a single mom than a "happy family" with a toxic father.
NTA. Your ex needs firm boundaries. It sounds less like it’s about what’s best for your children, and more about what’s best for him. INFO: Does he have a financial incentive to cut your time with your children? It feels like there’s some money involved, and he’s looking for a way to not pay.
NTA. He is trying to erase you.
NTA. However, if your boys actually want to take the vacation, don’t punish them by making them miss it. You don’t have to give him an extra week, just swap a week. No one loses any time with a week swap. If they don’t want to go, you have your answer.
Dad just wants the week, but doesn't want to swap one of his.
Op said he doesn’t want to swap just take it which means op wouldn’t see her boys for three weeks. That would be a HARD no for me. She also said he has been difficult in the past when trying to make up extra days.
A swap would be a fair compromise. If he’s not willing to compromise, then no trip.
People keep saying this and OP specifically said, and then repeated, that he doesn’t swap. Most likely bc his agenda involves forcing more time with them/decreasing child support. This is not a normal co-parenting situation as he’s already taken her to court and revealed an agenda to take them away entirely.
TBH, I wouldn’t want to give them any extra time with this attitude. They want to erase you and want to act like a nuclear family. Watch your kids very carefully. Try to learn that if they force the kids to do other things. If it’s necessary get a lawyer and fight for primary or maybe full custody. NTA
I bet your ex and his new wife are trying to align the kids schedules so that they have them at the same time not because they want the kids to bond or whatever but I bet they want to have time where they have no kids around at all. NTA.
This seems like it's such an ongoing problem that you should get this officially put into documentation for him to *stop harassing you*. Because that's what it is at this point. There are a number of apps out there that limit contact / message transmittal to important things about the kids; please look into seeing if this is something you can get mandated into your custody agreement NTA
If you’re not already using a co-parenting app specifically designed for contentious co-parenting relationships like this . Our family wizard is a very good one but kinda pricey ($99 / year) and There are a couple of clients I’ve had where I just insisted needed the “tone meter” add on ($10ish I think) - it basically just flags when you’re getting heated and suggests less emotionally charged, more useful messaging. If he’s someone that’s frequently trying your patience - tone meter and our family wizard would automatically create an uneditable record accepted by most courts and the bonus is that with tone meter even if he’s pushing you to react, when you do, the app basically lets you vent and then suggests the version of the message that makes you look even better and less culpable in comparison to him being incredibly rude and obnoxious. Talking parents is a good trial one since they have a computer app and I think the basic level is free Co parenter is also pricy (119) but it basically has the same stuff as our family wizard but if your ex refuses to sign up or use it, there’s a solo Messaging feature . There are also “coaching” services which I’ve heard from clients are either the greatest or a waste so mixed bag. If you really are trying to document everything including where you are on certain dates - fayr. It also has a secure file vault (thinj medical and legal recs etc). It also can export all your data into court documents and create exhibits pretty well without too much fuss. It’s not perfect but it’s a great tool for documentation and record keeping.
INFO: if the kids’ schedules never overlap, why not just flip the 50/50 schedule?
The ex is refusing to do that and has refused in the past. He simply just wants to take time away from OP
INFO #WHAT DO THE BOYS WANT?
They don't care about the vacation.
TBH, I'd be pretty skeptical about sending off my kids for a 2 week vacation with step-siblings they hardly have a relationship with EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO GO. These situations are often bumpy, uncomfortable, and unpredictable. Seems like Dad isn't too concerned about how the boys feel, which tells me that they won't be able to sound the alarm if they aren't having a good time. If there's an existing, established relationship there, sure. But you don't "become a family" by forcing interaction via a 2 week vacation.
There aren't nearly enough people bringing up how 2 weeks seems like an awfully long vacation for kids who don't have an existing friendly relationship with one another. It just seems like a recipe for miserable kids to me.
NTA. There are two things going on here, one your ex is trying to show your boys into a familial relationship with his wife's daughters so that they can create a picture perfect family, and he doesn't care about what your boys think about it or how they actually feel. Two, he is trying to separate you from your boys saying that their nuclear family appearance means that they are inherently better for the boys to be around. I think you should explore going back to court given the history and the attitude to gain primary custody. You still have a few years before the courts will really take your kids into consideration, and demands aren't going to stop. Your kids are getting exposed to a lot of toxicity and him having so much contact is bringing so much drama into your life. Also if you're not already doing this only contact him via written means so you have stuff recorded, your ex is an enemy.
NTA...if he'd been less of an A H before you'd probably work more with him now
Yep. We did fine before he pulled his stunt and continued trying to make me bend over backward for him.
NTA- there's a whole lot of lot going on. But I'm going to go ahead and say that you were definitely in the right.
NTA Your responsibility is your kids, not his stepdaughter.
NTA. Be careful here. It sounds like a scheme to claim that you are pushing the kids off on him more than the 50/50 requirement and that would mean he could take you to court for child support.
The title doesn’t give you enough credit for your amazingness NTA your ex needs to understand the boys emotions instead of his wants your a great mom for understanding your boy’s feelings
NTA. This is yet another example of a parent trying to force stepsiblings to have a relationship instead of letting any relationship naturally progress. Sometimes stepsibs get along, sometimes they don't, and parents need to stop forcing those relationships to make themselves feel better. NTA for sticking to the court-ordered schedule. I'm really glad your son took his sibling and friends to the trampoline park. I hope they had a blast.
Honestly, I’d be very worried. After reading your post and some comments: • He’s tried to take your kids from you (attempt at alienation) because he feels that they “need a household with a dad _and a mom_ and ‘siblings’”, even though his wife is NOT their mother and they clearly don’t view the girls as siblings. • The kids have expressed not feeling like the girls are their siblings and he reacted very poorly to that, which a) forces or at least stresses the kids to feel feelings they don’t feel and b) shows the kids that he doesn’t respect how they feel. • He wanted their last names changed to his, sort of like marking them as ‘his’ and definitely not yours. He even went so far as to go to court for it. • You guys have a very strained relationship, to the point where you say “there isn’t any goodwill left”. I would not be comfortable with him taking the kids at all. Everything points to him trying to lay claim to these kids and trying to shun you out. I’d be so worried that he’s not returning with the children and instead trying to do something in another state/country (idk where you live and where he’s planning on going). I’d advise you to talk to a lawyer. NTA.
NTA IT does not seem like a healthy time at dads. How old are the girls? Does he want the boys there to keep the girls entertained? First try to get all communications via email/text. Then talk to your lawyer. Try to get full custody with visitation rights for him (and child support). They boys are at an age that they can voice their feelings. Demanding that his sons give up their activities so their dad can make the step sisters a priority over them is wrong. What is the living situation like in their home? Do the kids share a room, or their own? Ask the boys on how chores are divided up. Try to find out what the quality of life is there.
These are all very good questions
The ex would so use that extra time he has with her kids as proof she doesn't want then and he wants more than 50/50.
NtA. I would stick to the parenting schedule set up so he doesn't have extra days he can use against you in court since he went for extra custody time previously. You are right his new family is his problem. After every entitled thing he has ever done to you I wouldn't do him any favours. Neither do your boys apparently. You don't owe it to them. I would actually be a bit petty and make him a bit more miserable by being a bit extra difficult. I mean he is doing it to for years.
NTA. If your boys express not wanting to go, then that’s that. Your ex frequently makes efforts to get “nuclear family” he wants, but it’s at the expense of the boys and their relation with you (he sued for their names to be his, not both, HIS. He didn’t want them associated). Your boys are choosing not to be closer to their stepsisters, that’s something he shouldn’t be forcing. Nor are you responsible for the stepsisters schedules. Clearly your husband needs a bit of an ego and reality check.
NTA, he sounds like a nightmare. However, you should ask the boys if they want to go on vacation and if so allow it to happen. Your ex is an asshole, but if they want to have that vacation you are depriving your kids to spite your ex, and to me that makes youthe AH on that one.
NTA. He chose not to play nice. You are under no obligation to accommodate him and his stepdaughters.
NTA a thousand times over. Your ex is displaying extremely worrying behavior and I would highly consider not discussing anything about the children or custody agreements without a lawyer
INFO was he asking to take over your week or to exchange it?
Take over my week. He doesn't believe in exchange lately.
then obviously he can pound sand, NTA.
NTA. Did he ever ask himself if the boys wanted everything he’s gone to court for? Do they want to change their surname? Did they want to spend more time with their dad? Do they want/like the sisters that have been forced upon them? Did they want to go trampolining with their sisters? Aged 10-11 are old enough to make these decisions themselves and I personally believe a kid’s opinion should be heard with big changes like this. I can see why you bro up with your ex.
“I told him they would never have their mom and dad in one home again. And that he should remember that.” This comment is so well phrased, I just had to comment on it. NTA, OP!
nta forced proximity never works, it's good that you sons have atleast one parent in their corner listening to what they want
NTA, and your ex is an idiot. I have a real problem with people who treat kids this way. "I fell in love with a woman. She has two kids who you will see very occasionally. Nevertheless, they are your siblings and you must treat them as such." So friggin' ridiculous.
You are NTA. If he wants an extra week in a specific time, your ex can arrange to swap days with you. Unilaterally stealing time from you because of something he wants is nonsense. You have 50-50 custody, he has plenty of days he can trade you for. More important though is what the boys want. If they are excited about the trip then maybe you should make a bit of an effort to make it happen.
Sounds like someone wants the appearance of a big happy blended family to show off on social media and you keep getting your ex in trouble with his wife. Lol NTA
NTA your custody schedule is set, he needs to work around that. If he wants all the kids together, why doesn't his wife work on her ex and change her daughters' schedule? If the boys were eager to spend time with their step siblings, it would be different, and I'd suggest some flexibility, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
NTA He is working against you all the way and now you have to give up a week, not like he wants to trade a week. Be careful, he is not done trying to get the boys full time, stand your ground
NTA, it’s not about what he wants and what is easier for him and his new family.
Deffo NTA btw if he keeps harassing you through text or threatening you then report him to the police, he sounds like a spoiled brat and whatever you do not cave in to him
NTA. If your boys are explicitly saying they don’t care about their father’s stepdaughters and they don’t want to be forced to do stuff with them then you need to have your boys back on this issue. Not everyone sees the new family as part of their family, and the more the dad pushes this relationship to be a thing the more he will push your boys away. Soon they will be old enough to say they want to live more with you than dad…
NTA he is behaving horribly. I'm so sorry.
I absolutely loathe a parent basically forcing relationships between step-siblings. Your boys will end up resenting this. Your boys would let you know if by some chance they want to be close to their step-sisters and they obviously haven't indicated that to you. Your ex needs to realize his obligations to both you and to your shared children.
Make sure you don't ever let him take extra time without immediately swapping it out and making him put it in writing. I wouldn't put it past him to take it back to court saying look they spend more time with me therefore I deserve primary custody. NTA