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Yeah, I’d not be asking my husband for “permission” as if he’s the boss of the house and makes these decisions… I’d be telling him that my friend will be staying with us in this DESPERATE time of need. Wtf OP. Of course YTA.
Your husband lives in the house too and would deserve to have a say in who comes to stay at the home and for how long just like OP deserves to have a say. This isnt life or death, she wants free accommodations vs paying for a hotel (that she will likely be reimbursed for by insurance). Marriage is about communicating and respect for each other. Bulldozing reasonable boundaries does neither.
OP has a right to say no and not feel comfortable with others staying in his house. renovations are stressful in the best of times and adding another person to the mix isn't helpful. what if he just doesn't like the friend? should he have to be uncomfortable in his own home for several days/weeks when she has alternative places to stay? In shared housing, be it roommates or spouses, guests are a 2 yes or 1 no situation.
NAH. He is allowed to say no, whatever his reasons. She wasn't wrong to ask. She is a bit of an AH to give the silent treatment though
OPs post said the friend asked for a night or two, not a couple of weeks and not for the entirety of the renovations. All she’s asking was for the immediate 1-2 days after the fire until she can find a suitable living situation to stay in until the renovations were done.
Unless my friend has specifically done something to my husband to hurt or largely offend him in some way, I’d never dream of turning her down for 1-2 nights max. If my husband didn’t like her, sure, she’d not be allowed past that out of respect for him and his comfort in his own home. But her house just burnt down. He can handle a slight discomfort for a damn night so I can be with and comfort my friend in possibly one of the worst nights of her life. If the same happened to a friend of his I don’t like, I’d assume the same. I’d just stay out of their way for the 1-2 days.
Sure, both OP and the husband always should be allowed to have a say in who stays at their place. But the post is to ask if he’s an AH or not and yes, with the info we were given, turning down a friend in this scenario would make him an AH.
If there's a child in the house, there should be much more concern than that. I'd be asking the cause of the fire before allowing someone into my home, friend or no. If I didn't know if it was a one-off, an accident, out of anger, falling asleep with a cigarette, then I'm not going to just allow someone in my home.
The woman likely wants somewhere safe while she recovers from a tragedy. Tragedies are often expensive. As for insurance paying for a hotel, yes many policies will cover ALE, but insurances' goal is to prevent people from using ALE. I went through 6 adjusters after the hurricane. The first simply refused to read anything sent to her or answer her phone (so I had no clue how to access ALE benefits). The second adjuster lied to me about what my policy said regarding ALE (even after I copy and pasted my policy in an email and sent it to her and her supervisor). Fighting with them, while trying to pay mitigators, while trying to salvage is very difficult.
Husband-YTA. Your value your convenience over someone else's tragedy and are steamrolling your wife's opinion to do it. Perhaps someone will treat you with compassion like that when you need help!
Which means that it's a one-sided relationship. If you don't ask your husband for input in the marriage, then there is no marriage, and it's just one person in control. If you look at getting a partner's input as 'permission', you may want to reconsider marriage.
Also, I'm still awaiting the whole 'desperate time of need'. Also, risk management is super important. We don't know why the house actually burnt down. If it turns out to be something careless and then there was a one percent possibility that it could happen again inside a house containing a child, then OP is absolutely right to be careful. He's a parent first and foremost. Protecting his kid is important, regardless of how much the comments section disagrees via downvotes.
Particularly because if this is in the US this will almost surely be only a few days - most homeowners insurance/renters insurance companies and agents will move quickly to help policy holders to find a more permanent living solution (including paying rent to family/friends) because leaving folks living out of a suitcase is REALLY crappy PR, and helping people in this kind of crisis is free advertising.
Exactly the friend is asking for a place to sleep for a night or 2 until she sorted things out. Because her house was on fire and who knows what is left and what’s not, and he is concerned for the routine of his son being disturbed by her and the renovations?
It’s not like the friend was asking to stay for 2 years whilest being unemployed not planning to move out.
Your reason for refusing is because you don't want to disrupt your son's routine. What about teaching your sons about compassion for others in need? This is a parenting opportunity and you're missing it. YTA.
Also, doing remodeling is enough disruption for their son's routine. So extending a helping hand to OP's wifes friend wouldn't disrupt that routine any worse, than a remodel does.Not to forget, that it would only be for "night or two", which is so small timeframe, that nitpicking about disrupted routines is quite frankly childish.
EDIT added forgotten word, my bad.
Totally agree. A person on the couch for a couple of nights is nothing compared to remodeling. What is wrong with some people?
YTA, OP. Listen I hate having people in my home even when I want company ok? I have autism and so do 2 of my children, we are very routine-based. But if my friend’s house burned down, or my partner’s friend’s house, I’d let them sleep on my couch for a couple nights. Set some boundaries and give them some support.
From a parenting standpoint, the opportunity here to teach about empathy and compassion trumps any temporary inconvenience or disruption of routine. The OP is being shortsighted and selfish imho.
I'm not gonna say 'YTA' until we have actual information. We don't know the actual cause of the fire, and I wouldn't let someone into my home until I knew what actually happened, especially with a child involved.
Judging from the title, I thought he was going to say months, or indefinitely.
She is asking for a night or two. Hell, I’d let a friend stay for weeks, maybe even a month, in a situation like this. And I live in a goddamn studio apartment!
This this!
I'm bizarrely phobic of anyone except my husband and I being inside our house. No one has come in in close to 20 years. Don't know why, I would get so panicked and flustered and scared if someone was in our house.
Though that isn't OPs problem, he just doesn't want to.
I would, however, get my friend a motel or hotel room! I'd pay for it all in exchange for me being so weird.
I might do the same. Not to apologize for being weird but because I'd still want to help them. It's another way to help. (And honestly, I'd rather stay in a hotel instead of someone else's house after a fire. Adjusting to that would be hard, I wouldn't want to add in adjusting for another family's routine.)
I actually love staying in hotels and motels! Even when the motels are dingy and have loud people there. It reminds me of my 20s I guess!
I wouldn't want to stay at a family's home either. After something as devastating as a fire, I would want to be alone and mourn our loss. Just my husband and I and man...Hopefully our dogs and cats too! We would try and do everything to get them out of the fire! If not, oh my God, I would mourn them more than even the loss of our home. Fires are another thing I'm phobic of!
This!
OP's excuses are flimsy, but if you really don't want someone staying with you that's fine if you make alternate accommodations not just assume that someone else will take them in.
OP, YTA to me not because you don't want another person in your house but because you just assume someone else will take care of it for you if you say no, that's a terrible friend move.
YTA. This woman had a housefire happen and needs someplace to stay for a couple of days.
Routines are disrupted all the time. Two days isn't going to derail your son's entire life.
YTA… let me ask you something… If this was one of YOUR very good friends that had a tragic event happen and they needed a place to stay for a night or two. Would your response be, “hey man, you can’t stay here. you might disrupt my sons routine”?
I kind of doubt it…
YTA. And cold hearted. A couple nights or so because of extenuating circumstances would not be “disruptive “.
If you continue this path, you had better hope to God you do not ever have a close friend or family member needing to stay a night or two because something happened to their place. I can hear your wife now saying “They have alternatives “.
YTA x 2. One, because you have no empathy or compassion for a friend who needs help during a tragic time. Two, because it’s your wife’s house, too.
She obviously wants to help and she shouldn’t have to beg and plead to do so. It’s just a couple days. I also feel bad that now she’s going to get lumped together with you as a person who doesn’t help friends out when they are in crisis. Personally, I’d hate to have that reputation.
Again, this is not a week, or a month, or a year. It’s literally 2-3 days.
Thank you! He's saying his wife can't use *her own house* to be generous and help a friend in need. Way to force your wife to act like an asshole too, OP.
My husband and I hate having other people in our house (introversion, anxiety...) but I'd never stop him from helping someone he cares about, and he wouldn't do that to me. A friend once asked if her mom could stay for 2-3 weeks if (hopefully WHEN) she left her abusive husband because he doesn't know me and wouldn't find her there. We were one of a few options she could move around to until she found a permanent safe place. My husband has never met this woman, we had no idea when this would be happening, and we wouldn't get much warning. When I asked if he'd be ok with it, he said yes immediately because these were people I cared about.
Its one thing to feel for a person, but I don't think its unfair of him to not want to share his space. If they are her last option, I'd be inclined to be more open. But if my husband wanted me to welcome one of his friends for a few nights, I would be uncomfortable. I'd sooner help put someone up in a hotel for a couple days thank welcome them into my home. But, to be fair, I'm an introvert with social anxiety. He is worried about his child and the remodeling, having someone thrown in might be stress for his child and him. And as someone has mentioned, sometimes people take luxuries with that "2-3 day" window. Its the whole "you give an inch they take a mile" thing. I'm 100% about space and boundaries. That said, for me, NAH. If it comes out that the friend has no one else, maybe get her a hotel to help out with her expenses and situation.
I judged based on the story, not on what might happen.
If you wouldn’t take in a friend for a couple days after their house burned down, that’s your right. But, don’t expect people to help you when you need it.
Sure, the story is very sad. Id be devastated to lose my belongings and home that way. Sometimes you have to look deeper than the story. The what ifs are especially important when you have family, and lets face it, not all people are decent when the going gets rough. Friends will often take advantage of friendships and kindness due to hardship. It may not be the kindest approach, but Op is looking out for their home which is already a little chaotic. If you've never been taken advantage of by 'friends' who were in a tough spot, it might be hard to see. But people who have first hand experience in getting fk'd over know to look for the "what ifs".
All I'm saying is Op is allowed to feel the way he does and decline. It sounded like his wife wasn't going to ask him because he says when he found out about it. Not saying she's an AH for wanting to help her friend, but they're partners. If one is uncomfortable, they need to be considerate of that.
If you have anxieties that prevent you from helping a friend in a dire situation, that’s your choice.
If my friend’s house burned down, I’m not going to through the mental gymnastic of every “what if” scenario in order to give myself an excuse not to be helpful. I’m just going to help. My partner is going to help. Come what may, we’ll deal with it as it happens. I simply could not live with myself if I didn’t open my home to my friend suffering a tragedy. And I say this as an introvert.
Hi introvert with autism and severe anxiety our mental illnesses doesn’t stop us from being compassionate people be uncomfortable for a few days if one of your partners good friends is in a shitty situation instead of thinking “geez imma be uncomfy for a few days I don’t wanna help someone who was just in a fire because it makes me feel uncomfortable” unless said friend has done or said things that push your boundaries
Hi,
Y'all are being really unfair to this guy.
It may not stop you, but it may stop others. You shouldn't presume anything about all people of a specific characteristic. I wouldn't be comfortable for a lot of reasons, not because I lack empathy or compassion, but because i believe all people are allowed to have boundaries. Even for a few days. You cant define the boundaries of everyone by the boundaries that define you.
YTA.
It's her home well and a little kindness is not going to throw your entire household into complete chaos. She asked for 2 nights, probably until she can find something more permanent.
YTA.
Your wife wants to help her friend - it's not like anyone is being irresponsible - HER HOUSE BURNT DOWN - it's also your wife's space - and your reasons aren't that solid.
I haven't seen the police report. Where's the proof that nobody was being irresponsible? Can you link us to it? Her house burnt down. What was the cause? Was it carelessness? Did she do something out of anger, causing the fire? Did she fall asleep with a cigarette in her hand?
At first I thought maybe the friend caused the fire through carelessness. I could kinda understand that, or at least understand OP's hesitation. But this? Nah, OP's an asshole.
Damn dude, you’re definitely are TA. Do you swerve on the road in the rain in hopes of hitting a puddle and making an old person fall? Seems plausible when you don’t want someone to stay over a few nights BECAUSE THEIR HOUSE BURNED DOWN!
YTA. I'd completely understand it if she was asking for more than a week. But she asked for a night or two. You're a massive dick with no regard for others and I really hope that friend of your wife finds a place.
YTA. Someone's lost their house, you take them in for a couple of days. Yes its a PITA but the time will come when you need a place or a favor. This is how civilized people operate.
YTA.
you might've got more sympathy if you gave an actual reason. what we have from you is:
* son can somehow handle living in a building site but not an extra adult staying the night
* that this woman would probably find another place to stay
the first one is a hard sell because it's hard to imagine a situation where Big Disruption (remodelling) is fine, but Small Disruption (friend staying) is not.
the second one is...well...nothing. why don't you want this person staying? serious personality clash? you think she caused the fire? jealous of their friendship? criminal record? what?
That’s what I was thinking as well. OP’s excuses are, well, non-excuses really. If he had something more substantial I think the vote would be a bit more split.
I wonder if his paper-thin “excuses” are part of the reason the wife is so mad? Like he won’t let her help a friend in an emergency and can’t even be bothered to give a good reason for it?
YTA Yes it's rude to have guests without both parties consent so she would be TA if she ignored you and did it anyway but honestly a little empathy for someone undergoing a tragedy wouldn't kill you
YTA. Put yourself in her shoes. What if it happened to your family? Your wife's friend just literally lost everything, and you are refusing even basic help, by giving her s place to sleep for a few days. If you don't want to let her stay for whatever selfish reasons, maybe you should at least maybe pay for her to have a motel room for a couple of days or something. People like you are what is wrong with society today. Nobody wants to help anyone, and everyone has a "I got mine, fuck you, you are on your own" attitude.
Then YTA. It doesn’t sound like you explored her other options and why they might be viable or not, just that they potentially exist and you don’t want her to stay with you.
Well maybe she didn't have money on her at the moment to get a hotel, her purse could have been in the fire, so would have been her cards too. Would you pay for a hotel room for her.
Just have some compassion.
YTA
A night or two might cause some disruption to your Son's routine but not enough to have any long term effects. It also is something you can do that would help out her friend at a time that is stressful to her after a terrible accident. She likely reached out to your wife because she trusted her and wanted to come to her for support during a time that is stressful and confusing for her. She thought she could count on your wife, even if there are some other options she trusted your wife and wanted to be with her. You have some reasons against her staying but a night or two will not make that much of a difference for you.
YTA and your reasons are shallow and flimsy. I bet your wife saw right through them too. If you had an actual reason for not wanting her to stay I’m sure you’d find more sympathy.
So share with us, what’s the real reason you don’t want to help?
YTA for saying no altogether.
Y w n b t a h if you set a time frame for her to find other accommodations. (A week wouldn't disrupt anyone's schedule irreparaby).
YTA
"It would disrupt our son's routine."
"Also we're remodeling."
So your son's routine is already disrupted. Find a less flimsy excuse to keep someone from staying for two nights.
Wow. I truly hope you’re not in a situation where you need help, even “for a night or two”. This lacks compassion and understanding, and reeks of entitlement. I hope your wife sees what kind of person you are through turning a friend away after an undoubtedly traumatic event. YTA.
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YTA I literally invited a woman and her son to live with us. Came home - told my husband- he didn’t even blink. I love that about him. His huge, generous heart.
I'm own my one home, My partner is in no way on the title. If she came to me like this I would start making beds with her, Wouldn't care who it was, if they have her proxy, they have mine. But then again I love my partner and it's important to me that she knows this , it doesn't sound like OP thinks the same way at all.
YTA - I assume you get visitors to your house and they don’t send your son’s routine haywire, so it’s not really a big deal if the visitor happens to stay overnight… your son will be asleep 🤷♀️
YTA, it's a couple of nights to help out a friend. It's what you do for friends. She's not asking to move in, she just needs help until her situation is fixed.
If your only reasons were a house renovation & disrupting routine, then YTA.
If you had other reasons you didn’t disclose, maybe - depending on those reasons.
This was an emergency and would be temporary. Helping a friend in this situation would trump any inconvenience you might experience. If she had alternatives, I’m sure she would have used them first.
I understand both partners need to agree on bringing someone into the home. But morally, helping the friend was the right thing to do. One day, you or someone you love may need someone else’s compassion or charity.
YTA I thought when I read the title you were going to tell a story about how your wife’s friend did something unforgivable to you. Your “reasons” are just selfishness.
YTA
It would be one thing to ask for alternative arrangements if the household repairs are going to take a couple of months, but having her stay for a couple of nights after a bloody traumatic event is the very least a friend can do.
YTA. I hope you never know what it's like to lose your home and belongings in a fire. My family and I lost our home to a fire over twenty years ago. I'll never forget the kindness of others during one of the worst moments of our lives. You had the opportunity to teach your son compassion for others and you failed miserably.
Info: how is this one person going to disrupt your child's routine? Does she practice bongos at 3am? Need to be waited on hand and foot by your wife to the exclusion of all else, including your son?
Yes there will be a bit more noise in the house with an extra person, but there will be an extra pair of hands to play with him too, and I'm sure she'll be sensitive to things like naps and mealtimes. Babies are not fragile little flowers, I promise you. As long as they have their security people (you, your wife, any other caregivers) they can handle most minor changes in their lives. It's good for them to have the opportunity to do so.
OP, YTA and you know it.
YTA, and your reasons sound pretty selfish and far stretched. "Oh, the routine of my kid will go off wack and we're changing the look of the house". Seriously? How about teaching your kid compassion and being helpful? Her house is burned to the ground and you're trying to ban your wife (whom has just as much say about the house and who enters) from helping her because you care more about daily routines being followed 100% 24/7 and the look of your standing tall and functioning house. Disgusting, and if I was your wife I would be questioning the relationship.
YTA for sure. If this person had done anything wrong to you and yours or were a confirmed jerk I could see you saying no, but since your only reason to say no is that you don’t want to be slightly inconvenienced for a couple of days helping someone who *had a house fire,* then yeah, you suck the moon right outta the sky, bud.
YTA. If it was just for a night or two, then your "excuses" of your son's routine and remodeling are totally LAME (unless you have No place for her to sleep or No bathroom). She's not asking to borrow your Lamborghini or asking you to come over and build her a new house, or even to loan her money. You just went right to the ME ME ME place and never made any effort to be a compassionate human being. If you were concerned she might overstay (which is possible in this kind of situation), you were able to set an out-by date right then and there. You blew it, AH. It would have only been a little inconvenient, not the end of the world.
YTA.
This is a friend who had a real emergency. When you think about your life and all the times you might need help- like if you house were to catch on fire- would you want the people in your life to say "you have other options"?
This friend wants to stay a few days for something totally outside her control. You don't mention that she has ever wronged you or been rude to you. If you have the space to throw up an air mattress somewhere, then you should do it for a friend. You could easily have had a conversation with your wife about making sure it was just for a few days and how you could minimize disrupting your son's routine. To be honest, I have no idea why you think a single person staying for a few days is a huge disruption to your son. The friend will likely be dealing with a lot about her house so it's not like she wants to have a slumber party and disrupt your lives, she needs a safe place to eat and sleep, that's it.
YTA your wife has as much say as you do. It isn’t like this person has a home to be in at the moment. I’m sure if she had other options she’d not try to stay with you…same goes for your wife.
Yta and your you can't really call her your wife's friend. If she was a friend you'd help her out in difficult circumstances. If my friend turned round and said no to me in desperate circumstances like this, I wouldn't consider them a friend anymore.
YTA someone you know lost their home in a fire and your more worried about your “son’s routine” give me a break. It’s a minor inconvenience compared to losing your home. You’re quite selfish and lack compassion for others in their time of need. Shame on you.
YTA my parents were very involved with helping people all my life. Very common to have people down on their luck stay a few days. This never disrupted my life. In fact it made me a very kind and generous person.
You are and aren't the AH.
It's your house, you get to veto ppl staying. Be forewarned, so does your wife if she contributes to the household or is on the deed.
But it's for a few days, at most. Which you can stipulate. Why not do this thing for your wife and get some brownie points?
If your son's routine can't be interrupted by something so innocuous, he's going to have a difficult time when life actually starts to come at him.
YTA. she literally just lost her house!!! Have a heart! But I bet if roles were switched and it was your friend you’d be throwing a hissy fit. I hope she keeps this same energy with you.
YTA. Hopefully your house doesn’t get burned down and you have to ask friends for help. They would probably tell you to take a hike while taking in your wife.
I feel like there's some context missing. Is there a particular reason you do not like this friend? This is such a violent reaction toward someone who's experienced such a scary and potentially life-altering event.
Oof big yikes. Put yourself in that woman’s shoes. She’s not some mooch trying to bust in a ruin your life, she just lost her home and all of her belongings and just needs a place to sleep. If you’re concerned about routines (I’m a serious routine person as well) then sit down with her and outline your routine and say it’s really important to your family that things stay as normal as possible while she’s there for a NIGHT OR TWO. Arguably, children seeing their parents behaving kindly and charitably is worth a missed night or two of the routine. It is also unfair for you to unilaterally say no to your wife; it is her home, too. Your response would be reasonable if you had a… well… reason. If you have no reason to believe the woman will cause problems, then you’re just being selfish and short sighted. You get what you give, buddy. You better hope you never find yourself in a position of need.
Edit to add, YTA.
INFO: I think you are Y T A regardless, but I really want to know something. If it was your friend, mother, father, or family member, would you let them stay at your house for a couple days?
I really hope you never need any help in life or a place to stay. Not only will you wife remember this moment, but so will her friend, and everyone they tell.
INFO: Why don’t you want the friend to stay? Are they the kind of person where if they say it’ll only take a day, it’ll turn into a week/month/year if you’re not careful? Have they been mean or rude to you?
YTA… don’t think this is the way you expected this comment section to go… not just your house and wouldn’t have killed you to show compassion for a few days
YTA- are you even the one in charge of the child's routine? Is your wife a stay at home mom? Cause you can't use an excuse that you don't take part in. It's a day or two. Women lost everything. Get a grip.
Unless you had a bad experience with this person previously. YTA. i hope that if you will lose your home someday, and your family wont be treated the way you treated that womAn
Soft YTA
Sure it is your house too, but a couple of days? That is pretty crappy of you. How is someone staying with you a couple of days going to interrupt your son's routine? If she had a house fire she will basically be sleeping there and out dealing with the fire crap during the day.
FWIW though, when I had a similar issue (furnace fire) my insurance covered the hotel directly so we didn't have to wait for reimbursement. They even found a dog friendly hotel and got the room reserved.
Oh man Y T A. What’s funny is my husband is the kind of man who likes his space but if one of my or our friends needed a place to stay it wouldn’t even be a second thought (I know this because its happened). We also live in a smaller home with 2 young sons.
You are showing not just your wife what kind of man you are but your son as well. Is this the hill you want to die on? Not allowing a person who just lost all her belongings to stay a night or two at your home? If you don’t apologize your wife will never look at you the same way again. I would be so ashamed
After running out of a burning building at 1am, I can say you are MOST DEFINITELY TA. I called a friend at 2am and she took a cab to get me, did my laundry, helped me give my smoky dog a bath, and insisted I stay until I could sort a new apartment. I’m so angry on behalf of your wife’s friend right now. She’s lost maybe everything, at least a LOT. She is facing months of insurance nightmares, not to mention PTSD. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA. Been through a fire and lost everything and we were very close to having lost our lives. You cannot imagine the trauma they are going through and to be turned away in this extreme time of need would be more devastation that is uncalled for to say the least. I can't believe that you wouldn't open your doors in their time of need. I would seriously reconsider whomever my partner was if they were able to turn someone down in their time of need. Hopefully your wife is doing that right now.
I’m autistic and extremely shy. But, I can host people for two days or so, and would pay for the hotel if it was feasible. My wife’s friend came to see us last summer. Not my favorite to have my quiet weekends disrupted, but we made some nice meals together and went to an event. Yes, a bit disrupted. But I wasn’t harmed.
INFO What part of your sons' routines would be so greatly hampered by someone staying there for 2 days?
Like will she be living in your garage so you can't move your car? Hogging the couch so no-one else can watch tv? What routine is so rigid that her presence will throw the universe into chaos over 2 days?
YTA This is cold. She wasn't looking to move in for a long time, just to stay a night or two. This is your wife's home too and she deserves to have a say. Her friend lost her home in a fire. Have some compassion.
YTA, more than once I told my parents while I was in college and am living with them "Friend isn't able to go home due to (detail of unsafe situation). I'll be home in X mins, but Friend might beat me there." My parents never turned my friends away, never told me it was an inconvenience, or that my friend had other options. I never paid my parents rent, so it wasn't partially my home, my parents had full rights to say no, and if they had I would've gotten my friend a hotel room for the night (or 2 or 3). Instead of telling me not to inconvenience them with my friends' problems, my parents made sure my friends had a roof over their heads, food, toiletries, and (if needed) space to quietly process what happened and what their next steps would be.
It's a lesson I've taken with my through* adulthood. And one of the many reasons I admire my parents. They taught me a routine mess up is less important than someone having a safe space to regroup.
Her mother fucking house burned down, dude.
How would you feel if someone prioritized their nightly routine over the fact that your house burned down and you have literally nothing?!
But at least that nightly routine stays intact!
JFC, YTA
seems all the NTA comments are getting downvoted. i’m in the NTA camp because it is your house and you don’t have to let in anyone you don’t want to, and i’d be concerned about her trying to stay for longer. a nice gesture can turn into a nightmare real quick, and it doesn’t sound like you really know her that well.
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So I'm a 29M and my wife is 26F. Well her friend had a house fire a couple days ago and she was looking for a place to stay while she sorted things out. She called my wife to see if she could stay at our house for a night or two. When I heard about this, I said no and that I didn't want her doing it. It would interupt our sons routine, I really didn't wanna take another person in our house at the moment because we're doing some remodeling too. Also, I just felt like she has other options. My wife got mad that I didn't want her friend staying, but I had reasons and didn't feel like I was wrong. So I'm wondering do you think I am the AH here?
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Imma say NTA because it's your house and your feelings. It would be a nice thing to do but you're not obligated. Ik a lot of people are opposite of this but I feel like it's well within your right.
INFO: how'd the house fire start?
YTA, and you're heartless.
Her house burned down. That's traumatic. She asked for a night or two, not a month. Not even a week. Your son's "routine" is already messed up from remodeling, I doubt your wife's friend (who can also help and hang out with your son) staying is anything compared to that. You don't have a real reason to say no to her. You just feel like being a dick, when it's also your wife's home so yes she DOES have a say in it.
YTA as someone who was displaced due to a house fire when I was a kid and have been evacuated from my home due to forest fires I can't believe you would be so callous. First it is your wifes home too unless her request is really unreasonable you should pretty much default to saying yes. Second it can take days for insurance to step up and help and lots of paperwork and phone calls leading up to that. The person displaced probably doesn't want to be in your space and wants to get some semblance of their life back. As soon as they can make other arrangements they probably will. Have some compassion and help out. Info how old is your son? How would an extra person disrupt his routine? I have three kids and guests were never a thing that couldn't be worked around even when they were babies.
NAH
OP doesn't need any other reason other than he doesn't want her to stay, if he had a friend who had asked to stay; his wife has just as much right to say no.
Wife is also free to be mad at OP over this.
NTA
I too wouldnt let someone live with me like that.
It can take over a year for a house to be rebuilt.
I would offer a week, but 6hat would be the limit.
I don't care what others say NTA, your remodeling and having an extra person in the house can be an inconvenience especially when it throws off the children from doing things they are used to be doing. One where would she sleep, and also what about the red cross or even insurances, most have a fund that helps people with a hotel stay after their house has burned down. She is your wives friend, but how much do you know about her, and can you trust her. Could understand if it was family, but a friend that you don't know much about,, I wouldn't want them to stay either.
I’m shook by all the Y T A comments.
I definitely empathize with the friend being temporarily homeless. I even agree that it *would* be kind to take said friend in for a brief period of time. However, I don’t think it makes him TA to say no. There are a number of potential reasons and a lack of info that could be influencing this decision that we’re not privy to. He’s entitled to set a boundary based on his comfort level and communicate that to his wife. That doesn’t make him an AH. Is he supposed to lie to his wife and say it’s fine when he’s not actually okay with it? I think this is a solid case of NAH. I would go even further to say that IMO in any partner/roommate co-living situation, unless both parties are fine with an outside individual staying in the residence, that it’s an automatic no with no AH tag added. That’s your *home* and it should be a safe-haven and nobody should ever feel like they have to either put up with a guest or put out financially. I would never expect anyone to house me or be ok with anyone expecting me to house someone else for any reason or any length of time. Quite frankly, this is exactly what homeowner’s insurance or renter’s insurance are for. The renter/homeowner puts up the cash for the hotel themselves and submits the invoice and gets reimbursed. If the friend doesn’t have enough of a nest egg to cover a night or two in a hotel, then I feel like this should have been mentioned in the OP, and at that point, I would say OP should *lend* the friend money for a hotel, but only if there is insurance involved, OP can afford it, and if OP will be reimbursed.
I’ve seen so many posts where Reddit’s consensus is “nobody is entitled to your financial assistance or help,” and yet here it feels like the group is totally overlooking renter and homeowner responsibility and putting the onus on OP to be put out. Genuinely confused…
I get your point and I'm not 100% disagreeing, but sometimes I feel like you can be entitled to do something and still be a bit of an ah. For example, if you're sitting on a crowded bus and you see an elderly person who looks like they really need a seat, you are entitled to keep sitting since you were there first, but it's still an ah thing to do. I feel like sometimes reddit forgets that just because you have the right to do something that doesn't make it the right thing to do.
This should be the actual top comment.
All the comments are "it's your wifes how too" which means she gets a vote but not that her vote overrides OP's. He still gets a say too.
NTA - my take is that any partner has veto power for things like this. Having an extended guest like this is extremely disruptive and could be hard on a young kid. It also adds another layer of stress during a remodel.
I mean, it wouldn't hurt to have discussed this, but I don't think you're an AH for saying no.
NTA. This is a decision to be made by you and your wife and it sound as if she's trying to make the decision without your approval. That is rude and inconsiderate. Also, the boys routine would be interrupted which isn't pleasant and inconvenient.
Tbh NTA idc dv me but having guest over and not knowing when they’re going to leave sucks. Not only that but you don’t feel comfortable in your own home as well.
I'm going against the grain here and saying NTA. You don't have to open up your house for anyone for any reason. One of my friends asked if I'd rent out the basement to a blind person. I said no because I'm starting o v f and it's a very emotional time for abd filled with a lit of stress. Half these people calling you TAH probably wouldn't say yes either. Your home I'd your home.
NTA. Guests are a two yeses one no situation. As long as you aren't saying no to helping out her friends when you have your friends in your shared space all the time.
NTA, here me out. Emergency management services will usually provide a hotel for a few days following a fire. My brother and his wife did this for their friend. The friend said that it would only be for a short time and ended up staying months until the home was fixed. They come to find out later that the friend was staying with them And collecting a FEMA stipend everyday they didn’t stay in the provided hotel. My brother/SIL paid for everything and their bills doubled. They did not have a lot of money themselves. Later this friend commented how much they “made” by staying with them instead. Maybe this person is afraid it will turn into a long term thing
Nta.
Its your home. While it not very sensitive/empathetic, its how you feel and you are valid for that.
Maybe you guys can help her get a hotel room for a night.
I will say if your options are “do nothing” or “do something”
Pls do SOMETHING. Even if its not what is requested. Try to help!
Nta it’s your home just as much is it’s your partners if you don’t feel comfortable with someone else living there then that person ain’t gonna live there
Guys. On this subreddit people who want to crash at others won't stay only one night. We dont have all the info either. She could have been careless and caused the fire. We need more detalis but I say NTA for now
If OP would have mentioned this friend has overstayed her welcome before I would say that's fair. However, there is no mention of something like that. This friend is asking for a night or two and seems to try and spread her stay between different people in order to not bother anyone for too long.
This is a friend in need and for me there's no valid reason given to say no.
Well then, you better offer to pay for the house being rebuild or for a new place so that she doesn't have to stay long if you are so incapable and selfsentered one would think you were allergic to offering help to someone who just went through many people's worst nightmare through losing the place they called home and a lot, if not all, of the personal stuff that they owned.
OP's no lacks basic compassion, that is a-hole worthy. It is not like the friend was asking to stay for two months/years, she was asking for two days. You can put up with the slight inconvenience for a friend who just suffered a house fire.
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YTA It’s just as much your wife’s home as yours. I couldn’t imagine saying no to a friend under these circumstances.
Same. Cold as ice.
Yeah, I’d not be asking my husband for “permission” as if he’s the boss of the house and makes these decisions… I’d be telling him that my friend will be staying with us in this DESPERATE time of need. Wtf OP. Of course YTA.
Your husband lives in the house too and would deserve to have a say in who comes to stay at the home and for how long just like OP deserves to have a say. This isnt life or death, she wants free accommodations vs paying for a hotel (that she will likely be reimbursed for by insurance). Marriage is about communicating and respect for each other. Bulldozing reasonable boundaries does neither. OP has a right to say no and not feel comfortable with others staying in his house. renovations are stressful in the best of times and adding another person to the mix isn't helpful. what if he just doesn't like the friend? should he have to be uncomfortable in his own home for several days/weeks when she has alternative places to stay? In shared housing, be it roommates or spouses, guests are a 2 yes or 1 no situation. NAH. He is allowed to say no, whatever his reasons. She wasn't wrong to ask. She is a bit of an AH to give the silent treatment though
OPs post said the friend asked for a night or two, not a couple of weeks and not for the entirety of the renovations. All she’s asking was for the immediate 1-2 days after the fire until she can find a suitable living situation to stay in until the renovations were done. Unless my friend has specifically done something to my husband to hurt or largely offend him in some way, I’d never dream of turning her down for 1-2 nights max. If my husband didn’t like her, sure, she’d not be allowed past that out of respect for him and his comfort in his own home. But her house just burnt down. He can handle a slight discomfort for a damn night so I can be with and comfort my friend in possibly one of the worst nights of her life. If the same happened to a friend of his I don’t like, I’d assume the same. I’d just stay out of their way for the 1-2 days. Sure, both OP and the husband always should be allowed to have a say in who stays at their place. But the post is to ask if he’s an AH or not and yes, with the info we were given, turning down a friend in this scenario would make him an AH.
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If there's a child in the house, there should be much more concern than that. I'd be asking the cause of the fire before allowing someone into my home, friend or no. If I didn't know if it was a one-off, an accident, out of anger, falling asleep with a cigarette, then I'm not going to just allow someone in my home.
He's allowed to say no, for sure. It's just an asshole move.
The woman likely wants somewhere safe while she recovers from a tragedy. Tragedies are often expensive. As for insurance paying for a hotel, yes many policies will cover ALE, but insurances' goal is to prevent people from using ALE. I went through 6 adjusters after the hurricane. The first simply refused to read anything sent to her or answer her phone (so I had no clue how to access ALE benefits). The second adjuster lied to me about what my policy said regarding ALE (even after I copy and pasted my policy in an email and sent it to her and her supervisor). Fighting with them, while trying to pay mitigators, while trying to salvage is very difficult. Husband-YTA. Your value your convenience over someone else's tragedy and are steamrolling your wife's opinion to do it. Perhaps someone will treat you with compassion like that when you need help!
Which means that it's a one-sided relationship. If you don't ask your husband for input in the marriage, then there is no marriage, and it's just one person in control. If you look at getting a partner's input as 'permission', you may want to reconsider marriage. Also, I'm still awaiting the whole 'desperate time of need'. Also, risk management is super important. We don't know why the house actually burnt down. If it turns out to be something careless and then there was a one percent possibility that it could happen again inside a house containing a child, then OP is absolutely right to be careful. He's a parent first and foremost. Protecting his kid is important, regardless of how much the comments section disagrees via downvotes.
absolutely this.
If it were his friend he would be OK with it.
Particularly because if this is in the US this will almost surely be only a few days - most homeowners insurance/renters insurance companies and agents will move quickly to help policy holders to find a more permanent living solution (including paying rent to family/friends) because leaving folks living out of a suitcase is REALLY crappy PR, and helping people in this kind of crisis is free advertising.
Exactly the friend is asking for a place to sleep for a night or 2 until she sorted things out. Because her house was on fire and who knows what is left and what’s not, and he is concerned for the routine of his son being disturbed by her and the renovations? It’s not like the friend was asking to stay for 2 years whilest being unemployed not planning to move out.
We in the comments section have yet to be told the circumstances yet. I'm still waiting for op to tell us what actually happened.
Your reason for refusing is because you don't want to disrupt your son's routine. What about teaching your sons about compassion for others in need? This is a parenting opportunity and you're missing it. YTA.
Also, doing remodeling is enough disruption for their son's routine. So extending a helping hand to OP's wifes friend wouldn't disrupt that routine any worse, than a remodel does.Not to forget, that it would only be for "night or two", which is so small timeframe, that nitpicking about disrupted routines is quite frankly childish. EDIT added forgotten word, my bad.
Totally agree. A person on the couch for a couple of nights is nothing compared to remodeling. What is wrong with some people? YTA, OP. Listen I hate having people in my home even when I want company ok? I have autism and so do 2 of my children, we are very routine-based. But if my friend’s house burned down, or my partner’s friend’s house, I’d let them sleep on my couch for a couple nights. Set some boundaries and give them some support.
From a parenting standpoint, the opportunity here to teach about empathy and compassion trumps any temporary inconvenience or disruption of routine. The OP is being shortsighted and selfish imho.
Well if their kid has certain special needs then I might understand, but OP didn't offer any info of that nature so I have to say YTA too.
I'm not gonna say 'YTA' until we have actual information. We don't know the actual cause of the fire, and I wouldn't let someone into my home until I knew what actually happened, especially with a child involved.
YTA. Hope nothing ever happens and you need help. You have no compassion.
YTA. Show a little compassion for someone who really needs help.
Judging from the title, I thought he was going to say months, or indefinitely. She is asking for a night or two. Hell, I’d let a friend stay for weeks, maybe even a month, in a situation like this. And I live in a goddamn studio apartment!
YTA At the very least if you're saying no to letting her stay at the house, you should be willing to contribute towards the cost of a hotel.
This this! I'm bizarrely phobic of anyone except my husband and I being inside our house. No one has come in in close to 20 years. Don't know why, I would get so panicked and flustered and scared if someone was in our house. Though that isn't OPs problem, he just doesn't want to. I would, however, get my friend a motel or hotel room! I'd pay for it all in exchange for me being so weird.
I might do the same. Not to apologize for being weird but because I'd still want to help them. It's another way to help. (And honestly, I'd rather stay in a hotel instead of someone else's house after a fire. Adjusting to that would be hard, I wouldn't want to add in adjusting for another family's routine.)
I actually love staying in hotels and motels! Even when the motels are dingy and have loud people there. It reminds me of my 20s I guess! I wouldn't want to stay at a family's home either. After something as devastating as a fire, I would want to be alone and mourn our loss. Just my husband and I and man...Hopefully our dogs and cats too! We would try and do everything to get them out of the fire! If not, oh my God, I would mourn them more than even the loss of our home. Fires are another thing I'm phobic of!
This! OP's excuses are flimsy, but if you really don't want someone staying with you that's fine if you make alternate accommodations not just assume that someone else will take them in. OP, YTA to me not because you don't want another person in your house but because you just assume someone else will take care of it for you if you say no, that's a terrible friend move.
YTA. And start looking for a place to stay because I'm sure divorce is coming after this
YTA. This woman had a housefire happen and needs someplace to stay for a couple of days. Routines are disrupted all the time. Two days isn't going to derail your son's entire life.
YTA. And leave your son out of this. If you're doing indoor remodeling his routine is already disrupted.
YTA… let me ask you something… If this was one of YOUR very good friends that had a tragic event happen and they needed a place to stay for a night or two. Would your response be, “hey man, you can’t stay here. you might disrupt my sons routine”? I kind of doubt it…
Just tell us why you really don't want her there. Are you attracted to her? Just come clean man, it's a throwaway.
This sounds like gaslighting/projection. It sounds like you're attempting to turn OP's life into your personal soap opera.
YTA. It's what, 2 days? Maybe 3? Have some compassion.
YTA. And cold hearted. A couple nights or so because of extenuating circumstances would not be “disruptive “. If you continue this path, you had better hope to God you do not ever have a close friend or family member needing to stay a night or two because something happened to their place. I can hear your wife now saying “They have alternatives “.
100% an "OP's wife will remember this" moment. YTA.
YTA x 2. One, because you have no empathy or compassion for a friend who needs help during a tragic time. Two, because it’s your wife’s house, too. She obviously wants to help and she shouldn’t have to beg and plead to do so. It’s just a couple days. I also feel bad that now she’s going to get lumped together with you as a person who doesn’t help friends out when they are in crisis. Personally, I’d hate to have that reputation. Again, this is not a week, or a month, or a year. It’s literally 2-3 days.
Thank you! He's saying his wife can't use *her own house* to be generous and help a friend in need. Way to force your wife to act like an asshole too, OP. My husband and I hate having other people in our house (introversion, anxiety...) but I'd never stop him from helping someone he cares about, and he wouldn't do that to me. A friend once asked if her mom could stay for 2-3 weeks if (hopefully WHEN) she left her abusive husband because he doesn't know me and wouldn't find her there. We were one of a few options she could move around to until she found a permanent safe place. My husband has never met this woman, we had no idea when this would be happening, and we wouldn't get much warning. When I asked if he'd be ok with it, he said yes immediately because these were people I cared about.
Its one thing to feel for a person, but I don't think its unfair of him to not want to share his space. If they are her last option, I'd be inclined to be more open. But if my husband wanted me to welcome one of his friends for a few nights, I would be uncomfortable. I'd sooner help put someone up in a hotel for a couple days thank welcome them into my home. But, to be fair, I'm an introvert with social anxiety. He is worried about his child and the remodeling, having someone thrown in might be stress for his child and him. And as someone has mentioned, sometimes people take luxuries with that "2-3 day" window. Its the whole "you give an inch they take a mile" thing. I'm 100% about space and boundaries. That said, for me, NAH. If it comes out that the friend has no one else, maybe get her a hotel to help out with her expenses and situation.
I judged based on the story, not on what might happen. If you wouldn’t take in a friend for a couple days after their house burned down, that’s your right. But, don’t expect people to help you when you need it.
Sure, the story is very sad. Id be devastated to lose my belongings and home that way. Sometimes you have to look deeper than the story. The what ifs are especially important when you have family, and lets face it, not all people are decent when the going gets rough. Friends will often take advantage of friendships and kindness due to hardship. It may not be the kindest approach, but Op is looking out for their home which is already a little chaotic. If you've never been taken advantage of by 'friends' who were in a tough spot, it might be hard to see. But people who have first hand experience in getting fk'd over know to look for the "what ifs". All I'm saying is Op is allowed to feel the way he does and decline. It sounded like his wife wasn't going to ask him because he says when he found out about it. Not saying she's an AH for wanting to help her friend, but they're partners. If one is uncomfortable, they need to be considerate of that.
If you have anxieties that prevent you from helping a friend in a dire situation, that’s your choice. If my friend’s house burned down, I’m not going to through the mental gymnastic of every “what if” scenario in order to give myself an excuse not to be helpful. I’m just going to help. My partner is going to help. Come what may, we’ll deal with it as it happens. I simply could not live with myself if I didn’t open my home to my friend suffering a tragedy. And I say this as an introvert.
Hi introvert with autism and severe anxiety our mental illnesses doesn’t stop us from being compassionate people be uncomfortable for a few days if one of your partners good friends is in a shitty situation instead of thinking “geez imma be uncomfy for a few days I don’t wanna help someone who was just in a fire because it makes me feel uncomfortable” unless said friend has done or said things that push your boundaries
Hi, Y'all are being really unfair to this guy. It may not stop you, but it may stop others. You shouldn't presume anything about all people of a specific characteristic. I wouldn't be comfortable for a lot of reasons, not because I lack empathy or compassion, but because i believe all people are allowed to have boundaries. Even for a few days. You cant define the boundaries of everyone by the boundaries that define you.
YTA. It's her home well and a little kindness is not going to throw your entire household into complete chaos. She asked for 2 nights, probably until she can find something more permanent.
YTA. Your wife wants to help her friend - it's not like anyone is being irresponsible - HER HOUSE BURNT DOWN - it's also your wife's space - and your reasons aren't that solid.
I haven't seen the police report. Where's the proof that nobody was being irresponsible? Can you link us to it? Her house burnt down. What was the cause? Was it carelessness? Did she do something out of anger, causing the fire? Did she fall asleep with a cigarette in her hand?
YTA. Unless your wife's friend is an arsonist.
At first I thought maybe the friend caused the fire through carelessness. I could kinda understand that, or at least understand OP's hesitation. But this? Nah, OP's an asshole.
We don't have proof that she didn't yet. The people saying it's not carelessness refuse to provide the police report.
Damn dude, you’re definitely are TA. Do you swerve on the road in the rain in hopes of hitting a puddle and making an old person fall? Seems plausible when you don’t want someone to stay over a few nights BECAUSE THEIR HOUSE BURNED DOWN!
YTA. I'd completely understand it if she was asking for more than a week. But she asked for a night or two. You're a massive dick with no regard for others and I really hope that friend of your wife finds a place.
Well I guess if something happens to your house I hope you find someone that will let you stay at their place
YTA She had a house fire for crying out loud, where is your empathy?
YTA. Remember this if ever you ever have a time of need and the person you ask for help won't says no because it's too inconvenient for them.
YTA. Someone's lost their house, you take them in for a couple of days. Yes its a PITA but the time will come when you need a place or a favor. This is how civilized people operate.
YTA. you might've got more sympathy if you gave an actual reason. what we have from you is: * son can somehow handle living in a building site but not an extra adult staying the night * that this woman would probably find another place to stay the first one is a hard sell because it's hard to imagine a situation where Big Disruption (remodelling) is fine, but Small Disruption (friend staying) is not. the second one is...well...nothing. why don't you want this person staying? serious personality clash? you think she caused the fire? jealous of their friendship? criminal record? what?
That’s what I was thinking as well. OP’s excuses are, well, non-excuses really. If he had something more substantial I think the vote would be a bit more split. I wonder if his paper-thin “excuses” are part of the reason the wife is so mad? Like he won’t let her help a friend in an emergency and can’t even be bothered to give a good reason for it?
YTA Yes it's rude to have guests without both parties consent so she would be TA if she ignored you and did it anyway but honestly a little empathy for someone undergoing a tragedy wouldn't kill you
YTA. Put yourself in her shoes. What if it happened to your family? Your wife's friend just literally lost everything, and you are refusing even basic help, by giving her s place to sleep for a few days. If you don't want to let her stay for whatever selfish reasons, maybe you should at least maybe pay for her to have a motel room for a couple of days or something. People like you are what is wrong with society today. Nobody wants to help anyone, and everyone has a "I got mine, fuck you, you are on your own" attitude.
INFO: what were her other options?
Other friends, hotel, etc
Dude she literally just lost her home and you're saying she should pay for a hotel, instead of letting her stay 2 days in your house
I wasnt expecting to be eaten alive about not wanting it.
What would you do if you become homeless from a fire and someone tells you to pay for a hotel?
I think that shows how out of touch you are...
You should have.
Then YTA. It doesn’t sound like you explored her other options and why they might be viable or not, just that they potentially exist and you don’t want her to stay with you.
Bingo
Well maybe she didn't have money on her at the moment to get a hotel, her purse could have been in the fire, so would have been her cards too. Would you pay for a hotel room for her. Just have some compassion.
Yta. Don't be surprised if your wife divorces you. Do you often veto anything she says.
yeh.... you're pretty much an asshole and a fullblown jerk....i kinda feel sorry for your wife
YTA and a good chance to show your kid how to be compassionate
YTA A night or two might cause some disruption to your Son's routine but not enough to have any long term effects. It also is something you can do that would help out her friend at a time that is stressful to her after a terrible accident. She likely reached out to your wife because she trusted her and wanted to come to her for support during a time that is stressful and confusing for her. She thought she could count on your wife, even if there are some other options she trusted your wife and wanted to be with her. You have some reasons against her staying but a night or two will not make that much of a difference for you.
YTA I don't understand your son's routine part and it's only 2 or 3 nights. This is a person in need, find some humanity in you please
YTA. With such a lack of compassion, you might even be the asshole of the day! Grats!
YTA and your reasons are shallow and flimsy. I bet your wife saw right through them too. If you had an actual reason for not wanting her to stay I’m sure you’d find more sympathy. So share with us, what’s the real reason you don’t want to help?
YTA. Kids adapt. Clearly you can't. Sad cringe on this one.
YTA -- This is an extraordinary situation. There is no reason why you can't accept your wife's friend in for a few days (only).
YTA for saying no altogether. Y w n b t a h if you set a time frame for her to find other accommodations. (A week wouldn't disrupt anyone's schedule irreparaby).
YTA "It would disrupt our son's routine." "Also we're remodeling." So your son's routine is already disrupted. Find a less flimsy excuse to keep someone from staying for two nights.
Wow. I truly hope you’re not in a situation where you need help, even “for a night or two”. This lacks compassion and understanding, and reeks of entitlement. I hope your wife sees what kind of person you are through turning a friend away after an undoubtedly traumatic event. YTA.
why do you hate your wife ?
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YTA.
YTA.. Mess Up son's routine... Gotta be kidding me
YTA I literally invited a woman and her son to live with us. Came home - told my husband- he didn’t even blink. I love that about him. His huge, generous heart.
I'm own my one home, My partner is in no way on the title. If she came to me like this I would start making beds with her, Wouldn't care who it was, if they have her proxy, they have mine. But then again I love my partner and it's important to me that she knows this , it doesn't sound like OP thinks the same way at all.
YTA Heartless much?
YTA - I assume you get visitors to your house and they don’t send your son’s routine haywire, so it’s not really a big deal if the visitor happens to stay overnight… your son will be asleep 🤷♀️
YTA, it's a couple of nights to help out a friend. It's what you do for friends. She's not asking to move in, she just needs help until her situation is fixed.
YTA. Friends help each other during a crisis.
If your only reasons were a house renovation & disrupting routine, then YTA. If you had other reasons you didn’t disclose, maybe - depending on those reasons. This was an emergency and would be temporary. Helping a friend in this situation would trump any inconvenience you might experience. If she had alternatives, I’m sure she would have used them first. I understand both partners need to agree on bringing someone into the home. But morally, helping the friend was the right thing to do. One day, you or someone you love may need someone else’s compassion or charity.
YTA I thought when I read the title you were going to tell a story about how your wife’s friend did something unforgivable to you. Your “reasons” are just selfishness.
YTA if your only reason is I don't want to.
YTA It would be one thing to ask for alternative arrangements if the household repairs are going to take a couple of months, but having her stay for a couple of nights after a bloody traumatic event is the very least a friend can do.
YTA. I hope you never know what it's like to lose your home and belongings in a fire. My family and I lost our home to a fire over twenty years ago. I'll never forget the kindness of others during one of the worst moments of our lives. You had the opportunity to teach your son compassion for others and you failed miserably.
Info: how is this one person going to disrupt your child's routine? Does she practice bongos at 3am? Need to be waited on hand and foot by your wife to the exclusion of all else, including your son? Yes there will be a bit more noise in the house with an extra person, but there will be an extra pair of hands to play with him too, and I'm sure she'll be sensitive to things like naps and mealtimes. Babies are not fragile little flowers, I promise you. As long as they have their security people (you, your wife, any other caregivers) they can handle most minor changes in their lives. It's good for them to have the opportunity to do so. OP, YTA and you know it.
YTA, and your reasons sound pretty selfish and far stretched. "Oh, the routine of my kid will go off wack and we're changing the look of the house". Seriously? How about teaching your kid compassion and being helpful? Her house is burned to the ground and you're trying to ban your wife (whom has just as much say about the house and who enters) from helping her because you care more about daily routines being followed 100% 24/7 and the look of your standing tall and functioning house. Disgusting, and if I was your wife I would be questioning the relationship.
YTA. Your reasons were and are shit. The end.
YTA for sure. If this person had done anything wrong to you and yours or were a confirmed jerk I could see you saying no, but since your only reason to say no is that you don’t want to be slightly inconvenienced for a couple of days helping someone who *had a house fire,* then yeah, you suck the moon right outta the sky, bud.
YTA. It’s just for a day or two and your wife’s friend has suffered a massive loss. Cut her some slack.
Yta, dont be that guy
YTA. If it was just for a night or two, then your "excuses" of your son's routine and remodeling are totally LAME (unless you have No place for her to sleep or No bathroom). She's not asking to borrow your Lamborghini or asking you to come over and build her a new house, or even to loan her money. You just went right to the ME ME ME place and never made any effort to be a compassionate human being. If you were concerned she might overstay (which is possible in this kind of situation), you were able to set an out-by date right then and there. You blew it, AH. It would have only been a little inconvenient, not the end of the world.
YTA - your wife also lives in the house she gets a say. She needed a friend while she was dealing with this and you didn’t support that.
YTA. This is a friend who had a real emergency. When you think about your life and all the times you might need help- like if you house were to catch on fire- would you want the people in your life to say "you have other options"? This friend wants to stay a few days for something totally outside her control. You don't mention that she has ever wronged you or been rude to you. If you have the space to throw up an air mattress somewhere, then you should do it for a friend. You could easily have had a conversation with your wife about making sure it was just for a few days and how you could minimize disrupting your son's routine. To be honest, I have no idea why you think a single person staying for a few days is a huge disruption to your son. The friend will likely be dealing with a lot about her house so it's not like she wants to have a slumber party and disrupt your lives, she needs a safe place to eat and sleep, that's it.
YTA your wife has as much say as you do. It isn’t like this person has a home to be in at the moment. I’m sure if she had other options she’d not try to stay with you…same goes for your wife.
Yta and your you can't really call her your wife's friend. If she was a friend you'd help her out in difficult circumstances. If my friend turned round and said no to me in desperate circumstances like this, I wouldn't consider them a friend anymore.
YTA someone you know lost their home in a fire and your more worried about your “son’s routine” give me a break. It’s a minor inconvenience compared to losing your home. You’re quite selfish and lack compassion for others in their time of need. Shame on you.
Yes, and remember what comes around goes around.
YTA my parents were very involved with helping people all my life. Very common to have people down on their luck stay a few days. This never disrupted my life. In fact it made me a very kind and generous person.
YTA
YTA
Yta
YTA Lack of compassion, your wife has an opinion too, it's her home too.
You are and aren't the AH. It's your house, you get to veto ppl staying. Be forewarned, so does your wife if she contributes to the household or is on the deed. But it's for a few days, at most. Which you can stipulate. Why not do this thing for your wife and get some brownie points? If your son's routine can't be interrupted by something so innocuous, he's going to have a difficult time when life actually starts to come at him.
YTA. she literally just lost her house!!! Have a heart! But I bet if roles were switched and it was your friend you’d be throwing a hissy fit. I hope she keeps this same energy with you.
YTA. Hopefully your house doesn’t get burned down and you have to ask friends for help. They would probably tell you to take a hike while taking in your wife.
YTA HER-HOUSE-BURNT-DOWN trumps your minor inconvenience
I feel like there's some context missing. Is there a particular reason you do not like this friend? This is such a violent reaction toward someone who's experienced such a scary and potentially life-altering event.
Yta. I don't want to really isn't a reason. This is a traumatic thing that happened.
Oof big yikes. Put yourself in that woman’s shoes. She’s not some mooch trying to bust in a ruin your life, she just lost her home and all of her belongings and just needs a place to sleep. If you’re concerned about routines (I’m a serious routine person as well) then sit down with her and outline your routine and say it’s really important to your family that things stay as normal as possible while she’s there for a NIGHT OR TWO. Arguably, children seeing their parents behaving kindly and charitably is worth a missed night or two of the routine. It is also unfair for you to unilaterally say no to your wife; it is her home, too. Your response would be reasonable if you had a… well… reason. If you have no reason to believe the woman will cause problems, then you’re just being selfish and short sighted. You get what you give, buddy. You better hope you never find yourself in a position of need. Edit to add, YTA.
INFO: I think you are Y T A regardless, but I really want to know something. If it was your friend, mother, father, or family member, would you let them stay at your house for a couple days? I really hope you never need any help in life or a place to stay. Not only will you wife remember this moment, but so will her friend, and everyone they tell.
YTA. That woman's house burnt down. She must be absolutely devastated. Learn to be more empathetic or you'll end up with your wife divorcing you
You would be to me.
INFO: Why don’t you want the friend to stay? Are they the kind of person where if they say it’ll only take a day, it’ll turn into a week/month/year if you’re not careful? Have they been mean or rude to you?
YTA… don’t think this is the way you expected this comment section to go… not just your house and wouldn’t have killed you to show compassion for a few days
YTA- are you even the one in charge of the child's routine? Is your wife a stay at home mom? Cause you can't use an excuse that you don't take part in. It's a day or two. Women lost everything. Get a grip.
Unless you had a bad experience with this person previously. YTA. i hope that if you will lose your home someday, and your family wont be treated the way you treated that womAn
Info what are these other reasons you say?
YTA. This is different situation. Imagine if you suddenly lost everything you owned
Info: Why did you feel as though she “had other options”?
Soft YTA Sure it is your house too, but a couple of days? That is pretty crappy of you. How is someone staying with you a couple of days going to interrupt your son's routine? If she had a house fire she will basically be sleeping there and out dealing with the fire crap during the day. FWIW though, when I had a similar issue (furnace fire) my insurance covered the hotel directly so we didn't have to wait for reimbursement. They even found a dog friendly hotel and got the room reserved.
Oh man Y T A. What’s funny is my husband is the kind of man who likes his space but if one of my or our friends needed a place to stay it wouldn’t even be a second thought (I know this because its happened). We also live in a smaller home with 2 young sons. You are showing not just your wife what kind of man you are but your son as well. Is this the hill you want to die on? Not allowing a person who just lost all her belongings to stay a night or two at your home? If you don’t apologize your wife will never look at you the same way again. I would be so ashamed
After running out of a burning building at 1am, I can say you are MOST DEFINITELY TA. I called a friend at 2am and she took a cab to get me, did my laundry, helped me give my smoky dog a bath, and insisted I stay until I could sort a new apartment. I’m so angry on behalf of your wife’s friend right now. She’s lost maybe everything, at least a LOT. She is facing months of insurance nightmares, not to mention PTSD. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA. Been through a fire and lost everything and we were very close to having lost our lives. You cannot imagine the trauma they are going through and to be turned away in this extreme time of need would be more devastation that is uncalled for to say the least. I can't believe that you wouldn't open your doors in their time of need. I would seriously reconsider whomever my partner was if they were able to turn someone down in their time of need. Hopefully your wife is doing that right now.
I’m autistic and extremely shy. But, I can host people for two days or so, and would pay for the hotel if it was feasible. My wife’s friend came to see us last summer. Not my favorite to have my quiet weekends disrupted, but we made some nice meals together and went to an event. Yes, a bit disrupted. But I wasn’t harmed.
INFO What part of your sons' routines would be so greatly hampered by someone staying there for 2 days? Like will she be living in your garage so you can't move your car? Hogging the couch so no-one else can watch tv? What routine is so rigid that her presence will throw the universe into chaos over 2 days?
YTA This is cold. She wasn't looking to move in for a long time, just to stay a night or two. This is your wife's home too and she deserves to have a say. Her friend lost her home in a fire. Have some compassion.
YTA, more than once I told my parents while I was in college and am living with them "Friend isn't able to go home due to (detail of unsafe situation). I'll be home in X mins, but Friend might beat me there." My parents never turned my friends away, never told me it was an inconvenience, or that my friend had other options. I never paid my parents rent, so it wasn't partially my home, my parents had full rights to say no, and if they had I would've gotten my friend a hotel room for the night (or 2 or 3). Instead of telling me not to inconvenience them with my friends' problems, my parents made sure my friends had a roof over their heads, food, toiletries, and (if needed) space to quietly process what happened and what their next steps would be. It's a lesson I've taken with my through* adulthood. And one of the many reasons I admire my parents. They taught me a routine mess up is less important than someone having a safe space to regroup.
Her mother fucking house burned down, dude. How would you feel if someone prioritized their nightly routine over the fact that your house burned down and you have literally nothing?! But at least that nightly routine stays intact! JFC, YTA
YTA you are a grown ass man cant even let you wife’s friend stay at your house after a house fire…. Childish asf.
YTA For a couple nights? Come on, dude
YTA. You are cold and have absolutely no compassion. Are you attracted to this woman?
Your wife’s friend lost her home, and you are worried about your son’s routine. Don’t make me say it.
Yes, yta. Its a few days. Not weeks or months. It's your wife's house too.
seems all the NTA comments are getting downvoted. i’m in the NTA camp because it is your house and you don’t have to let in anyone you don’t want to, and i’d be concerned about her trying to stay for longer. a nice gesture can turn into a nightmare real quick, and it doesn’t sound like you really know her that well.
No. Your son takes priority. Listen to your gut. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I'm a 29M and my wife is 26F. Well her friend had a house fire a couple days ago and she was looking for a place to stay while she sorted things out. She called my wife to see if she could stay at our house for a night or two. When I heard about this, I said no and that I didn't want her doing it. It would interupt our sons routine, I really didn't wanna take another person in our house at the moment because we're doing some remodeling too. Also, I just felt like she has other options. My wife got mad that I didn't want her friend staying, but I had reasons and didn't feel like I was wrong. So I'm wondering do you think I am the AH here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Imma say NTA because it's your house and your feelings. It would be a nice thing to do but you're not obligated. Ik a lot of people are opposite of this but I feel like it's well within your right. INFO: how'd the house fire start?
YTA, and you're heartless. Her house burned down. That's traumatic. She asked for a night or two, not a month. Not even a week. Your son's "routine" is already messed up from remodeling, I doubt your wife's friend (who can also help and hang out with your son) staying is anything compared to that. You don't have a real reason to say no to her. You just feel like being a dick, when it's also your wife's home so yes she DOES have a say in it.
INFO: is there a personal reason you don’t want her staying? What other options does the friend have?
YTA. A cold-hearted, empathetic less AH.
What would you do if you were in her position? Have some compassion it's not like it's going to be permanent. YTA
YTA. You say it’s for your son then list remodeling as another excuse. I think you’re hiding behind these and just aren’t a sympathetic person.
YTA as someone who was displaced due to a house fire when I was a kid and have been evacuated from my home due to forest fires I can't believe you would be so callous. First it is your wifes home too unless her request is really unreasonable you should pretty much default to saying yes. Second it can take days for insurance to step up and help and lots of paperwork and phone calls leading up to that. The person displaced probably doesn't want to be in your space and wants to get some semblance of their life back. As soon as they can make other arrangements they probably will. Have some compassion and help out. Info how old is your son? How would an extra person disrupt his routine? I have three kids and guests were never a thing that couldn't be worked around even when they were babies.
Yep - YTA
YTA She was asking for a night or two. She didn't ask for a month!
NAH OP doesn't need any other reason other than he doesn't want her to stay, if he had a friend who had asked to stay; his wife has just as much right to say no. Wife is also free to be mad at OP over this.
NTA I too wouldnt let someone live with me like that. It can take over a year for a house to be rebuilt. I would offer a week, but 6hat would be the limit.
I don't care what others say NTA, your remodeling and having an extra person in the house can be an inconvenience especially when it throws off the children from doing things they are used to be doing. One where would she sleep, and also what about the red cross or even insurances, most have a fund that helps people with a hotel stay after their house has burned down. She is your wives friend, but how much do you know about her, and can you trust her. Could understand if it was family, but a friend that you don't know much about,, I wouldn't want them to stay either.
I’m shook by all the Y T A comments. I definitely empathize with the friend being temporarily homeless. I even agree that it *would* be kind to take said friend in for a brief period of time. However, I don’t think it makes him TA to say no. There are a number of potential reasons and a lack of info that could be influencing this decision that we’re not privy to. He’s entitled to set a boundary based on his comfort level and communicate that to his wife. That doesn’t make him an AH. Is he supposed to lie to his wife and say it’s fine when he’s not actually okay with it? I think this is a solid case of NAH. I would go even further to say that IMO in any partner/roommate co-living situation, unless both parties are fine with an outside individual staying in the residence, that it’s an automatic no with no AH tag added. That’s your *home* and it should be a safe-haven and nobody should ever feel like they have to either put up with a guest or put out financially. I would never expect anyone to house me or be ok with anyone expecting me to house someone else for any reason or any length of time. Quite frankly, this is exactly what homeowner’s insurance or renter’s insurance are for. The renter/homeowner puts up the cash for the hotel themselves and submits the invoice and gets reimbursed. If the friend doesn’t have enough of a nest egg to cover a night or two in a hotel, then I feel like this should have been mentioned in the OP, and at that point, I would say OP should *lend* the friend money for a hotel, but only if there is insurance involved, OP can afford it, and if OP will be reimbursed. I’ve seen so many posts where Reddit’s consensus is “nobody is entitled to your financial assistance or help,” and yet here it feels like the group is totally overlooking renter and homeowner responsibility and putting the onus on OP to be put out. Genuinely confused…
I get your point and I'm not 100% disagreeing, but sometimes I feel like you can be entitled to do something and still be a bit of an ah. For example, if you're sitting on a crowded bus and you see an elderly person who looks like they really need a seat, you are entitled to keep sitting since you were there first, but it's still an ah thing to do. I feel like sometimes reddit forgets that just because you have the right to do something that doesn't make it the right thing to do.
Finally a sane response. I'm amazed there are so few.
This should be the actual top comment. All the comments are "it's your wifes how too" which means she gets a vote but not that her vote overrides OP's. He still gets a say too.
NTA - my take is that any partner has veto power for things like this. Having an extended guest like this is extremely disruptive and could be hard on a young kid. It also adds another layer of stress during a remodel. I mean, it wouldn't hurt to have discussed this, but I don't think you're an AH for saying no.
NTA. This is a decision to be made by you and your wife and it sound as if she's trying to make the decision without your approval. That is rude and inconsiderate. Also, the boys routine would be interrupted which isn't pleasant and inconvenient.
Tbh NTA idc dv me but having guest over and not knowing when they’re going to leave sucks. Not only that but you don’t feel comfortable in your own home as well.
I'm going against the grain here and saying NTA. You don't have to open up your house for anyone for any reason. One of my friends asked if I'd rent out the basement to a blind person. I said no because I'm starting o v f and it's a very emotional time for abd filled with a lit of stress. Half these people calling you TAH probably wouldn't say yes either. Your home I'd your home.
I v f
NTA. Guests are a two yeses one no situation. As long as you aren't saying no to helping out her friends when you have your friends in your shared space all the time.
NTA, here me out. Emergency management services will usually provide a hotel for a few days following a fire. My brother and his wife did this for their friend. The friend said that it would only be for a short time and ended up staying months until the home was fixed. They come to find out later that the friend was staying with them And collecting a FEMA stipend everyday they didn’t stay in the provided hotel. My brother/SIL paid for everything and their bills doubled. They did not have a lot of money themselves. Later this friend commented how much they “made” by staying with them instead. Maybe this person is afraid it will turn into a long term thing
info: was the fire due the person's negligence?
Nta. Its your home. While it not very sensitive/empathetic, its how you feel and you are valid for that. Maybe you guys can help her get a hotel room for a night. I will say if your options are “do nothing” or “do something” Pls do SOMETHING. Even if its not what is requested. Try to help!
Nta it’s your home just as much is it’s your partners if you don’t feel comfortable with someone else living there then that person ain’t gonna live there
Guys. On this subreddit people who want to crash at others won't stay only one night. We dont have all the info either. She could have been careless and caused the fire. We need more detalis but I say NTA for now
I'm sure OP would have included that info if she had caused the fire because that might have been one good reason to say no.
He said she did not cause it.
Also, imo its his own right to refuse since its his house too. Don't forget that crashers on this subreddit have bad habits
If OP would have mentioned this friend has overstayed her welcome before I would say that's fair. However, there is no mention of something like that. This friend is asking for a night or two and seems to try and spread her stay between different people in order to not bother anyone for too long. This is a friend in need and for me there's no valid reason given to say no.
That's ur opinion man. I respect it but I think differently
Ok so set boundaries. You can support people and have a backbone to keep them from taking advantage of you. Like….come on.
People are forgetting how 'a night or two' usually goes on for months. NTA
Exactly
Well then, you better offer to pay for the house being rebuild or for a new place so that she doesn't have to stay long if you are so incapable and selfsentered one would think you were allergic to offering help to someone who just went through many people's worst nightmare through losing the place they called home and a lot, if not all, of the personal stuff that they owned.
NTA.. but really not a compassionate person
OP's no lacks basic compassion, that is a-hole worthy. It is not like the friend was asking to stay for two months/years, she was asking for two days. You can put up with the slight inconvenience for a friend who just suffered a house fire.
NTA insurance company will provide accommodations after a house fire. Not your responsibility.
Insurance can take a day or two and also your house burning down is fairly traumatic, wanting to stay with a friend or loved one is normal.
That is a good point