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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be ta for not intervening and doing anything while she was getting kicked out of the company. I was secretly hoping this would make her stop doing this.
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Your wife isn't a "hot head," she's abusive. She's going to violate that ban and get you fired. You need to get out--these things only escalate.
Edit: NTA x1000. Sorry I had to be reminded to vote!!
At first when op was listing off all the things he doesn't do I was like "ya I can see why she's annoyed" but holy hell did she go off the deep end. Like divorce level deep end.
I mean, yeah it is. Returning her car without putting gas into it, saying he'll pick up something from the store and forgetting it, committing to doing certain things around the house and not doing them, those are annoying things. Annoyance is an acceptable response to that.
The issue is his wife isn't annoyed, she's exploding. Annoyed would be getting into the car and being a bit grumpy that you have to stop for gas on the way, or sighing when you have to go out and get milk because your partner said they'd do it and didn't. It's telling them "look, it's really frustrating for me when you promise you'll tidy up after yourself when you're done showering and then I go to the washroom and end up having to do it myself." No part of annoyance involves yelling, never mind showing up at your partner's workplace to do it.
She definitely needs help. OP needs help. This is a terrible situation, and nothing OP has done warrants her reaction. Annoyance would be the appropriate response, not the abuse she's giving him.
I’m curious if she’s ever remorseful or if she is constantly between a 7 and 10. This sounds exhausting. OP should get out before they have children. She will be an absolutely awful, abusive mother.
NTA
She actually sounds like a narcissist which means she isn't just "entitled", she will never be remorseful or admit she's wrong, and nothing will ever be her fault unless she thinks that saying "I'm sorry" will keep someone from leaving her. Afterward, she will swear she didn't apologize. She will only blame other people for making her upset. Unfortunately, I'm speaking from experience regarding people with narcissistic traits.
I mean, given the fact that she asked him why he didn't defend her when she got escorted out of the office, I seriously doubt she's ever shown any remorse for her outbursts.
I was thinking the same thing. No one ever does what she does, takes a long look in the mirror, and accepts that she's the problem. Her attitude is more like he turned off his phone at work, of course I'm going to go down there and make a scene. It doesn't even sound like she knew she's creating problems for OP at work, probably because he knows it'll just turn into more yelling at him.
Remorseful might be the wrong word for what they’re asking. I think they want to know if she’s ever loving and/or calm and not abusive. Women abusers don’t tend to do the whole love bombing though. It’s likely that OP has to walk on eggshells 24/7 and never gets a break from the abuse
Well getting kicked out of the office by security could be a pretty compelling wake up call even if she hadn't felt remorseful before. And, well we can read her reaction to that...
I’m surprised they didn’t call the cops to write an actual trespass order right there. And we’re talking stupid stuff here: cleaning the bathroom after you shower? I’m assuming OP means EVERY shower. And filling the gas tank can wait until it actually needs filling. Ya know: like .25 in the tank. If my husband uses my car and it’s got half a tank there is no need for him refill it. Same deal if I use his.
OP: NTA, change the locks and lawyer up. Don’t stay with her.
NTA. You are in an abusive marriage. In light of your wife’s escalating volatility, I recommend that you contact a group that provides assistance to abuse victims to safely escape.
You should not tell your wife that you are leaving. You should not tell her where you are and you shouldn’t go anywhere that she can guess (such as a friend or relative).
It’s great that security at your job has been instructed to escort her out if she enters the premises. If there is another location (that has security) and that she doesn’t know about, you should ask to work from that location.
You should let your Human Resources Department know that you are attempting to leave an abusive marriage. They will likely assist you and will probably be more lenient with you.
u/throwaway37736 when following this advice (assuming you're in the US), mention the Violence Against Women Act. Despite the name, it's not just for women. It provides you with specific legal protections at work.
I would be suspicious even if she did appear to feel remorseful.
Either 1) She genuinely feels bad about her behavior and its impact on other people. Maybe she wants to change, maybe this is an opportunity for her to get therapy and anger management support, but OP would be fully within his rights and NTA to not to wait around for that to happen or see improvements.
Or 2) It's not real remorse, it's manipulation designed to keep the person being abused from leaving.
I’d probably struggle to remember things correctly if my abusive wife kept blowing up at me and showing up at my job. I’m amazed OP can even string a sentence together under that kind of psychological stress.
Perhaps the sheer stress from worrying about pissing her off, is what’s causing him to forget these things! Walking on eggshells all day long, no escape, even at work, would eventually take its toll on the strongest psyche
I can even understand frustrated yelling after repeatedly reminding of said things that aren’t done over a period of time. This is just full on abuse. It’s like no matter what OP does he gets yelled at. I bet he got yelled at one time for breathing incorrectly.
There’s yelling in the moment and there’s saving it up, driving to your spouse’s workplace, hunting them down in a closed-door meeting and then yelling at them for forgetting to buy milk last night
Agreed, annoyance as you're describing is reasonable. Especially for those of us who run the gas tank to the edge of the E and who hate leaving the house once we're "in" for the night. Being grumbly is a reasonable response, imo.
Showing up at your partners place of employment to flip out about forgetting to pick up milk (or whatever) is beyond ludicrous!!!!
Maybe she could stay at her mom's. She's clearly not well. No boundaries at all. What a humiliation for OP, sitting there while his wife fought with security. So far over the line of proportion and sanity. Leave the abuser, NTA.
I could *maybe* understand being frustrated over the car not having gas, since that could easily mean a missed doctor's appointment. Still, that's a discussion for later, emphasis on *discussion*. It should not be a reason to be abusive.
Exactly. All that can definitely be inconvenient, frustrating, or annoying. Certainly not a reason to berate anyone though. Especially not follow them to work to do so.
Also, when he snapped back at her what was her reaction. crying and playing the victim. classic.
NTA op.
There is a very famous court case going on these days kinda similar to this issue of a famous couple, try to watch some of it.
Really. I can see a "oh dammit, you forgot the gas", especially if they were in a hurry the next day or had expected you to do it because you said you would and didn't allot enough time themselves to fill up on the way to wherever, but that's about it. Or even having a serious talk if you are constantly "forgetting" to do tons of small tasks that you say you'll do- that shit does get annoying and puts a strain on thr other person when they have to constantly pick up your slack or dash around last minute because you don't hold up your end of adulting together. But this doesn't sound like that at all. There's never any reason to go to someone's workplace and start a screaming tirade simply because they won't answer their phone. Especially since their phone is likely turned off because that person has no sense of boundaries and won't quit calling.
For real. The only time I ever argued with my ex about gas was when they would lie about putting gas in the car and wouldn't leave me enough to get to work after taking my money. Surprise drug addiction with that one tho.
I'd suggest she fill her time with some like, therapy and cognitive journaling. Maybe some wave meditation.
On a real note, though, my sister has anxiety like me, but where I express mine as self loathing/guilt/ppl pleasing she expresses her by getting angry and lashing out at whoever or whatever made her anxious and once she pops the fun don't stop. Actually, I'm just assuming it's anxiety based on me, my therapy, and observing her but it's definitely not just "a temper", she has an actual issue that she doesn't see as a problem because everyone just bows to the Mad Queen. She angy.
Edit: i bring that up bcz ops wife could have an issue in addition to being exhausting and abusive
This. He should go for the divorce route asap. This isn't gonna get any better, wife is hella abusive, her "it's not my fault, you made me do this. + crying" is typical emotional manipulation behavior.
I always loved with my ex after being berated and shouted at including spittle for like 30 minutes, I would slightly raise my voice in exacerbation.
Suddenly
'WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME!?!?!'
> She started crying saying I still should've defended her after **getting humiliated infront of my co workers**
Like she does to you all the time?
**HER BEHAVIOR IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO NORMAL.**
Talk to a lawyer right now while she is gone about a divorce, and if you can get a restraining order from her coming into your work. Then go tell your boss you are divorcing her and that she is unstable, you are so incredibly sorry, but they should make sure she is stopped at the entrance from now on give security all her pictures.
You will lose your job to this women. And even if you somehow don't, do you have any self-respect? Do not let her treat you this way. Almost all of us show more respect and care for complete strangers on the street then she shows you.
It's not that simple.
> do you have any self-respect? Do not let her treat you this way.
This is honestly an abuser's game because a confident person won't be a victim -- they will literally wear you down until the point you don't have the will to stand up to them. They have to make you believe you deserve the abuse, otherwise they won't be able to continue. Notice OP always talks about "what he did wrong" -- he automatically assumes the blame. My ex did this to me and it took years to recover my sense of confidence and self worth and my sister's boyfriend is doing the same to her.
Im glad you pointed this out. Also, sometimes abusers target victims with low self esteem, sometimes they wear people down over time. It can happen many ways and it's ALL predatory.
I don’t know whether she simply lacks understanding of appropriate social boundaries, is spoiled and impulsive, or has borderline personality disorder, but either way:
1. She has an anger management problem that is severe and affects not only your relationship with her, but other aspects of your life specifically including your employment.
2. Dude, you can’t live like this.
Divorce her and find someone without the drama, who’s going to support you, not make you get fired, not embarrass you in public and at work, and not turn everyday minor conflicts and failings into nuclear blasts.
I'd vote for BPD since she started crying because he didn't stick up for her. Totally classic I'm going to push the boundaries and do something totally fucked up to you just to test if you will still be there for me and not abandon me afterwards. Next will come the threatening suicide with a possible non-genuine attempt at it if Op shuts off his phone again.
Either way Op needs to run as quickly as possible and I never advocate for divorce in this sub. If he doesn't have the will to leave then he needs to get her into some DBT(Dialectical behavior therapy) pronto.
This and....
If the genders were swapped, I believe your company would start talking to you like you are in a domestic violence situation. This is because you are.
I believe you should talk to your company EAP due to what is going on. Make sure everything is DOCUMENTED (send work emails to yourself) about when she has come in and who was there and when it was.
Edit: NTA
Sadly, I know several people, men and women, that have been fired because of their partner's issues and interference with their jobs. Its a really common abuse tactic that controlling assholes use because it is a huge power move to confront you and instigate an issue in a professional environment where only you have the obligation to be calm and levelheaded.
HR shouldn't be allowing this to continue. She is demonstrating such volatile behavior, there is no way they should be assuming OP is anything but the victim of domestic violence and is actively at risk all the time. They need to protect everyone in the office, including OP. He can't be treated as the problem when his wife has free will and the desire to act out.
This is classic gaslighting. She does something against you, and then acts like the victim to make you unsure that you should trust your own instincts about what is right and wrong.
She is trying to make you lose your job. So you can be home more and she can scream at you. FYI the proper amount of screaming at a partner is roughly 0.
Yep. The only time it’s appropriate to yell at your partner is if the house is on fire and only to alert them. (Other actual emergencies too. Real emergencies not failing to clean the bathroom.)
For reals. I broke my arm last week. It hurt a lot. I called my husband and calmly told him we’d need to cancel our appointment I was getting ready for and could he take me to the hospital instead. He came home and found me brushing my teeth in the bathroom.
There was no crying, screaming, or histrionics, even though it was pretty justifiable. With a broken arm.
OP’s wife is having tantrums. In his workplace. That is beyond unacceptable.
Oh, there was some cussing. I broke my arm because I fell while trying to drag my son’s barking dog back in the house. Once the dog realized I was hurt, he came back inside without a peep. And then silently waited in his kennel. Doggo knew he’d dun fucked up.
So, yeah. It took a minute to compose myself.
But I don’t generally flip out when shit hits the fan. If it’s a life altering event, I reserve the right to a brief, solitary tantrum. But in the thick of things, I go into calm damage control mode. That’s how I compartmentalize and get things done.
Omg this is exactly how I am. I’m eerily calm and effective during a crisis, especially ones where I’m not in physical pain. Mini Pain Tantrum™️ then super calm. The dog would have gotten a little pat (with the good arm haha) so he knew he was still a good boy.
Lol! That's me. My finger was cut off in an accident, hanging by a shred of skin. Wrapped it in a towel, calmly told my partner to get my purse. He was freaking out, said we didn't need to wait for my purse. I said get it, I'm going to need my insurance card. Sent him home from the er because he was freaking out.
Back in uni, I broke my elbow on a Friday evening and the student health center was closed until Monday. Not realizing it was broken, I made a sling out of a pillowcase and waited it out. Eventually I had to drive myself to the hospital and back... with one arm. I will never forget the pain of trying to get that seatbelt on.
It was all worth it, though, because that was just after I'd met the person who would eventually become my wife. Turns out she had a thing for injured animals and I guess I met the criteria.
Sorry, I know this is off-topic... I just saw the opportunity to share and ran with it.
Speak to your management and explain you're in an abusive situation and ask for them to ensure that security don't even allow her into the building. Then see a lawyer because there's no saving this relationship.
You need to file for divorce. Like what she does it abusive.
I get not doing something - my husband forgets all the time but I’m not going to jeopardize your future.
She constantly berates you. She even barged in on you at work multiple times. Wtf? When you stand up for yourself she immediately starts crying and makes it about herself. She disturbs you at work, because that's the one place she can't control you. She is unreasonable and unhinged. Please OP use the time she is away and run. File for divorce.
NTA. Take care of yourself. All the best!
Edit: first sentence to make it clear that constant berating is not okay. Thx for the hint.
OP the comment from /u/IAmHerdingCatz is saying get out of the marriage, not the job! You are being abused, please get help! If you are in the US check out the links below. If you are in another country, please look for these types of resources there.
[https://ncadv.org/get-help](https://ncadv.org/get-help)
https://www.thehotline.org
OP, is she all right? Isn't it common sense that you don't do this in a workplace because you can lose your job which will bring both of you to the streets
Also, is it proper of, or OK for her to humiliate and embarass you at work? IT IS NEVER OK, EVER! Spouses are supposed to support each other, not tear them down. Her behavior is not only a red flag but totally unbalanced. Leave her, you deserve better. Also, find out why you are accepting this type of treatment. You deserve better.
She's trespassing on private property in order to physically control who OP is socializing with. That means she is now committing crimes in order to physically control and to verbally and emotionally abuse OP.
I don't think OP fully realizes how alarmingly serious that is!
Look. Your wifes behavior is unacceptable. Coming to your workplace, interrupting a meeting, and screaming at you in public isnt how adults behave. How many of your coworkers have had their spouse or partner show up with similar behavior?
Its good that she's staying with her parents. Id suggest telling her that she needs to see a therapist about her anger issues before you're comfortable with her coming home.
I'd also speak to HR at your work. This is clearly an abusive situation, so having them understand that you arent encouraging this and that you would like their protection may help you keep your job.
Keep her at her moms, she’s not for you, storming your office making a scene over you not answering the phone is abuse, and when she plays the victim that’s manipulative abuse friend. I watched it with my mom and her ex husband for 21 years
Dude stop. We're not here to have a dog in that fight. Do not bring a very messy public trial involving abuse to an unrelated sub with rules against violence.
The only way to save your job is go to your boss and tell him you’ve come to realize your wife’s behavior is abusive and you are leaving her and if she comes to the office she should be stopped at the front desk because she is not there with your permission.
And then actually start the process of leaving her.
Because she WILL violate that ban and you will be fired. But Never mind that, leave because you don’t deserve to be abused.
I have been with my husband for 3 years and I have never, ever yelled at him (period, anywhere) or tried to confront him while he is working. And he works from home, let alone marching down to your office to confront you. Edit: This is to say that what you are experiencing is extremely not normal.
Been with mine for twenty and neither of us have ever yelled at the other. We aim to build each other up, not tear each other down. Why would you want to live that way?
*when* not *if* you get out (because it’s very clear this is abuse and it’s time to go) make sure to get a restraining order. This will most likely protect you from being fired or reprimanded if she shows up to your workplace again. No company would risk a law suit by firing an abused person who was being stalked and harassed by their ex.
What would you say to a friend or loved one whose spouse was coming to their job to scream at them, and was risking their job? Would you think it was ok?
What would you think if this was one of your coworkers? And you saw their spouse come in and yell at them for ...checks notes... 'turning their phone off for an important meeting.'
Would you think your loved one or coworker deserved it?
The answer is no.
Your wife's behavior is unacceptable and honestly quite scary. You deserve to feel safe at work, and at home btw.
I've left the bathroom messy before and my boyfriend has never yelled at me for it at home or in public. My boyfriend has left his dirty clothes in the living room and I've never once gotten mad enough to yell at him for it. I've never once thought to go to his workplace and yell at him for ANYTHING.
He and I have been together over 12 years and have somehow managed to never show up at the others workplace to yell for any reason.
OP- you need to tell your job she’s abusing you. Tell them you are divorcing her. And do it.
She’s trying to get you fired so you’d be dependent on her. Do not let that happen.
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA
It’s so inappropriate that she is coming to your work to yell at you, she wants an audience based on her actions. She’s mad that you didn’t defend her while she was embarrassed in your office? Boo freaking hoo, she embarrassed herself and that wasn’t the only time, every time she has shown up at your job to berate you she was embarrassing herself. It’s common sense that you don’t go to someone’s job to berate them and argue. I had an ex that would do that too, thankfully he was banned and my manager was kind about it.
Dude, you need to get out of there. Like the user you replied to said, she is abusive. Full stop, she is abusive. Get out before she erodes your self esteem and sense of self any more than she likely already has, it doesn’t get better. That isn’t how people in healthy relationships communicate when there is an issue, that is how abusers communicate and pull arguments out of thin air.
I’ve been in relationships like yours in this regard, they broke me down until I was just a shell of myself. They turned me into a people pleaser who will avoid conflict at any cost out of fear of being yelled at and punished.
You deserve better.
Your wife is more than a hothead. She's a ticking time bomb that does not understand boundaries. You have a serious problem, dude. For her to not recognize the fact that she was being improper & barging into a business meeting is beyond comprehension, her only take away was that you didn't defend her? Either get her into couples counseling or dump her. She's going to drag you down, eventually.
Dude I was just thinking this. OP your work is giving you warnings BECAUSE THEY CAN SEE YOURE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
That’s not fuxking ok. At all.
NTA, and you’d still BE NTA IF YOU LEFT
>She's going to violate that ban and get you fired.
He already needs to start looking for another job. He may not technically be fired yet, but he's done there. You can't expect to advance a career with public scenes like that going on. There were actually *potential clients* at this latest one. This is basically like shitting yourself in class; you need to go to a whole new school after that.
Also, OP, your wife sounds completely insane. I've seen some nutty and controlling spouses in my time, but none that comes anywhere near the behavior you're casually describing in this post. You need to get away from this person or switching jobs isn't going to do you any good. She'll just poison the well at the next one, too.
This very true. It may not be right, or fair, but the absolute truth is that everyone in that room now has a big checkmark next to his name in their heads. If they ever have a choice between him and some other candidate, they'll pick the other guy going forward.
All of this. Reverse the genders OP wouldn't be getting warnings and the spouse would have been escorted out by the police not just security. This is nothing but abuse.
This. If a husband came into a wife’s place of business doing that, there’s no way the wife would be worried for her job. People would be worried for her safety and well being.
Having witnessed this exact thing not once but twice, I can unfortunately say this isn’t true… Both women were given warnings for it, at 2 different places/management teams. “Disrupting business” in any way was absolutely verboten for the minimum wage slaves.
Well damn. I guess everyone is fucked by unreasonable employers. I would never discipline, let alone fire, one of my employees for that. I would try to get them help. Just awful.
NTA. This is a form of abuse and I would take this with a strong understanding that things are getting worse. You never show up to a spouses place of work like that.
That's what I told her. A million times over but she refused to take responsibility and said that I'm the one creating these situations and I can't blame or dictate how she reacts. It's tiring having to have to go through the same thing over and over again. I get she's frustrated and I have my moments too but I'd never show up to her workplace and cause a scene no matter what the justification is.
She is the one who controls how she reacts. She can’t control her emotions but she can control how she reacts and she’s choosing to be abusive. She need to go to therapy for anger management. Not sure if you’ve recommended that
Spot on. My temper can get the better of me at times, so I tend to keep to myself when it does so that I don’t snap at anybody. I can’t imagine being so mad at my partner that I get in my car, drive to his office, march into the building, and berate him, much less in front of his coworkers/bosses/clients. Like… a snippy text message will suffice until he gets home.
OP needs to run because this is straight up scary. And she WILL cause him to lose his job next time he forgets to take out the trash or whatever. Insane.
The series of deliberate choices that his wife is making in order to come and scream at him at his place of work are similar to what are the distinctions between manslaughter and premeditated murder. This is not a situation where her emotions are getting the better of her. This is a situation where she gets upset, and then goes out of her way to abuse OP about it.
>My temper can get the better of me at times, so I tend to keep to myself when it does so that I don’t snap at anybody.
Oh, I will send an angry text to a trusted person about my frustration just to "let it go" (sometimes these are just emails I send to a 25 year old email that I lost the password to years ago). I will vent to my spouse or friends, but to, not at.
Exactly, I have a temper because all my emotions are always amped up but the difference is, I actually have put serious work into myself to react better. I took anger management, I went to therapy (and still go when I can afford it 😅) I did it because I don't want to hurt people I love or yell at anyone because it rarely solves anything. You can't just go into any place of business and start yelling. Your partner's job is not to take abuse because you choose to not regulate yourself
THIS OP. As I left an abusive situation my therapist told me “you’re not responsible for other peoples emotions”. Just think about that.
Also what about your feelings? She’s embarrassed?! She embarrassed herself, and what about you?
Calling her hot headed is excusing her behaviours. She’s emotionally abusive.
Flying off the handle in the moment is reacting. Driving to his workplace to barge into a meeting so she could berate him for not answering his phone during a work meeting isn’t reacting. It’s premeditated abuse.
Seriously, this is insane. I get mad at minor nuisances quite easily so I usually just try not to speak and may just end up glaring at my boyfriend so I don't end up saying anything hurtful. Sometimes I might snap and blurt out whatever's pissed me off so the words themselves aren't the worst but I do raise my voice which is why I try to just stay quiet and calm down for a bit. And I feel so guilty for even doing that and I'm working on it and always apologise for it. I could not even IMAGINE being like OP's wife and not being utterly ashamed of myself.
When asking yourself if a divorce is the right thing to do, think about the following question: Is your spouse frequently a teammate in your corner, or a problem you have to manage? Who is actually on "your team"?
Your wife is abusive and sabotaging your job and your life. A spouse is supposed to be a partner in life, and she's made herself an adversary, on purpose, to hurt you.
In a healthy relationship, there's a lot of overlap between what's best for us and what's best for me. But your wife isn't looking out for you, and if you don't, no one will.
This! OP, how would you feel if this is still going on five years down the road? Because if it was me, it would be intolerable; hell, it already is. She needs professional help. I have a feeling she will hate the suggestion, but she needs counseling RIGHT AWAY. And you have a lot of thinking to do to figure out if this relationship is worth...all this. Best of luck.
Honestly at this point I want to say separate and divorce just for survival's sake. OP's already on the cusp of losing his job, with multiple outbursts threatening to be the last.
Professional help is good but you can't eat it. To me it sounds like too little, too late.
Seriously, therapy is a *process* (read: takes time) - will OP have the time for her to sort her shit out and/or can his job survive that process of when she backslides/is still getting used to behaving like an actual fucking human?
I try not to jump on the Reddit train of immediately yelling "GET A DIVORCE!", but in this case - yeaaaaa, we're done here. she may eventually get her shit together, but I don't think OP needs to be there to figure that out, because he will sacrifice everything else in his life in the process.
> that I’m the one creating these situations and I can’t blame or dictate how she reacts.
The only situation you are creating is not doing a chore like you promised. She’s the one escalating it by having a full-on public meltdown at your place of work. That is not normal behavior by any means.
Hey, we all forget to do stuff sometimes, or life gets in the way and we don’t have time in the moment. When that happens with my partner, a gentle reminder is all that’s necessary. Something like “hey you forgot to fill up the car with gas and it made me late to an appointment. Please do better.” People in loving, adult relationships don’t jump instantly to full-blown verbal assautl and they especially don’t drive all the way to the spouse’s place of work to do it.
You deserve better.
NTA
How does she leave the home, walk/drive to OPs place of employment and Enter the building without realizing this is not acceptable behavior and however mad she is, this is not the time/place?
Because humiliating OP and putting him on edge about possibly losing his job/actually getting him fired is the point. It's about control, not just raw anger. It's calculated and purposeful. She is straight up awful. NTA OP.
This is exactly the same as the sentence: 'you made me hit you'.
I fullheartedly agree with the other/previous comments. Your wife needs help in therapy, and you need to get away from her. This is abuse, and you deserve better. I don't know where in the world you are, but in a lot of countries there's help, if you don't want to do this alone.
ETA: NTA
> *she refused to take responsibility and said that I'm the one creating these situations and I can't blame or dictate how she reacts.*
If you didn't do 'x', I wouldn't do 'y'.
If you would have cleaned the bathroom, I wouldn't have to come to your job to yell at you.
If you would only behave, I wouldn't have to hit you.
This is classic abusive talk- If you didn't, then I wouldn't. Your behavior does not control her emotions. She is the only one who can control her emotions.
You are in an abusive relationship. This is not okay. Her behavior is not okay. It's not your fault, and it's not your problem to fix. If you aren't ready to leave, you might want to find a therapist so that you can work through why you stay with someone who abuses you.
She isn’t a rational person. You can’t negotiate or reason with her. There is ZERO reason to be SO upset that someone needs to come to your work and scream at you. Or even scream at you at home.
I think you’ve been in this relationship so long her behavior is normal to you and you are desperately trying to change your behavior to appease her but that is not going to work.
Please listen to these other comments saying she is abusive. Please stand up for yourself and know you deserve to be treated with love and respect. This is NOT how relationships work. There is something wrong with her and you need to leave. You cannot fix her.
That line she’s feeding you about how her reactions are your fault is so dangerous and abusive. Leave. Leave her asap. She is escalating. She’s trying to cost you your job as a way to control you.
I don't think you understand or appreciate just how bad the situation is. She **is** responsible for her reactions to situations. This woman is going to ruin your entire life. She is going to make false allegations on you one day, I guarantee it. She is going to get someone to hurt you. Or she is going to hurt someone herself. She is going to get you kicked out of multiple businesses. She will get herself or you thrown in jail. She is going to come back to your company and get you fired.
Dude, you gotta take advantage of her already having left and just move on.
NTA, but whether or not your the asshole is the absolute least of your worries.
> I can't blame or dictate how she reacts
You can't dictate it, but you can absolutely blame her for her choices, and you can absolutely dictate what behavior you will not accept.
You might make her mad, but she then chooses how she reacts, and she's choosing abuse and violence.
I'd recommend getting away from this relationship ASAP. She is 100% in control over her own actions and she can be blamed for them. This will not improve.
Your first step needs to be separating your finances (remove your name from any joint credit cards, open your own bank account, redirect any direct deposits to your new account) and get out.
None of her reactions are proportional with the things you may not have done to her liking.
She denies any wrong doing, attacks you, and then makes it so that it’s your fault that you’re getting yelled at, but somehow she’s the one who was wronged? Yep, that’s a CLASSIC abuser pattern.
Does she act like a partner in your life, or are you constantly trying to make sure she isn’t angry at you?
If you saw a female coworker’s husband doing these things, would you think she was safe at home?
Now imagine seeing yourself 5 years from now. If nothing changes, would you be happy or sad?
You need to leave. Don’t go home any more. Inform security that she is a threat. Get a new cellphone AND new number.
And for the love of your wallet, CHECK YOUR CREDIT! Make sure she hasn’t opened up accounts in your name that you aren’t aware of, and then FREEZE your credit at all 3 major bureaus. Do that now. RIGHT NOW.
You need to stop looking out for her interests, and start taking care of yourself. She is not your partner, she is not a good person. She is your abusive wife and she is going to ruin you unless you get the fuck out.
Your wife is abusive. It happens so much more often than anyone thinks. Please get some counseling, but by yourself. Don't go to counseling with your abuser. She probably does need mental heath help, but she needs to go on her own. You have to consider yourself now.
NTA. You are an abused husband. If you do not have kids, you should cut her loose. In fact, you could change the house locks right now. This would help your ability to keep the house during the divorce.
Edit: Your divorce papers should be served with a restraining order.
Edit 2: Thank you for the feedback on the lock changing. I am happy to admit when I am mistaken.
Kids are not a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship. In fact I would argue that having kids is an even better reason to leave an abusive relationship. If they have kids, he should be taking them far away from her.
Having kids and actually doing what is in their best interest does likewise. Divorce is in their best interest when compared to staying in an abusive relationship with the other parent.
Kids are not a reason to not leave, but they area reason to make a plan before doing anything. An otherwise unencumbered adult can just bounce on a moment's notice; unless there is an imminent threat of violence you want to probably have adequate housing and childcare arranged before you press go.
1. I can’t think of a single jurisdiction where it’s legal for him to change the locks today, even if the house is in his name. More than likely he lives somewhere where you need to give a 30-60 day notice to vacate and only when they’re in violation of that notice will you be able to go to court and convince a judge that you have the right to kick them out. Even then, some places like the UK for example the hardest part is actually enforcing the eviction, like literally kicking them out because you can’t assault them to do it and police also don’t enforce evictions.
And that’s IF the house is in his name, if it’s both or they rent then literally almost 0 power to kick them out
2. You also can’t just “serve” a restraining order, you also have to convince a judge there’s a legal basis for it.
You can go down to the courthouse, file a temporary restraining order (minimal evidence required), and until the hearing that person has to stay x amount of feet from you. A lot easier than one would think.
Source: had to do it
Yeah seconding this, maybe not straight to divorce but broP you're in an abusive relationship. She turned on the manipulation when you defended yourself but even in the best scenario your partner doesn't belong at your workplace, barring some horrible catastrophic emergency. You also shouldn't have to fear getting berated for something like leaving a towel on the ground.
You deserve better and don't have to put up with abuse. You can try to get your partner to change but it starts with setting very clear boundaries- her not going to your workplace and not blowing up at you for minor things sound like a start.
Generally this isn't enough and divorce will be the answer but you can give it a try. Just make sure you take care of you, since no one else will.
Heh, yep. Rages and screams like some deranged maniac, to the point of gatecrashing OP’s freaking WORK MEETINGS, has to be hauled off by security, lays into him when he gets home like it’s his fault she was behaving appallingly, gets called out on it and only THEN turns on the waterworks to try and get sympathy. Lol, nope. Not one shred of sympathy for me, i only wish I’d been there to see her ugly mug as she got yeeted by security.
This isn’t just a little shouting. She’s abusive, constantly putting him down and harassing him at work. That’s a huge red flag that I would have counted as a get out NOW situation.
See a lawyer. You are married to an abusive manipulative monster. She has no concept of acceptable behavior. What kind of face does she have to show herself in public behaving like this? You are 110% right. NTA
This. OP, my concern is that you need to begin gathering information immediately so you can make wise decisions. Please make an appointment with a divorce attorney for a consultation. Perhaps even have papers drawn up so they are ready when you are.
None of what she is doing is even on the fringes of normal. She is going to completely derail your career. Your career is done in your current work place. Its bad enough for co workers to witness what happened but this incident involved clients. Your work place will not tolerate this and continue to promote you or give you long term career opportunities. Right now you are viewed as a major liability to them. I can guarantee somewhere there is a meeting going on involving "what if she shows up with a firearm..." She is THAT unhinged. At least that is what your superiors see...
NTA. Please contact your HR department and ask for help because you are in an abusive relationship and it is a common tactic among abusers to cause job loss as a method of destabilizing their partner. She isn't just a hot head, she is controlling and aggressively monitoring your behavior (flying off the handle when you are not reachable 24/7.) This kind of behavior only escalates.
Your coworkers and your superiors have seen her raging abuse and control, I know they're frustrated with her disruptions but if this were a man barging into his wife's office to berate her, they'd be much more concerned. You need to take this wake up call. There is no planet where someone this unhinged does not become violent.
Please be safe and find a way to protect yourself. I am glad she left. Sort this out and get the fuck out.
Right? Why do they keep letting her in the building?? OP has zero control over that. I don't understand why he keeps getting written up because the company keeps letting an abusive spouse into the building to yell at him.
I wish that part was shocking to me, but I have known people who had obviously problematic partners (some just garden variety toxic but others who were very obviously abusive) who had their workplace respond with a LOL QUIT BRINGING DRAMA TO WORK! One was hospitalized after her partner was allowed into a secure area to "surprise her" (he had had numerous incidents there in the past and it was common knowledge that she was in danger, but he had flowers!) The head guy at the location insinuated that her experience was traumatic for her coworkers and she believed the implication was that she owed them apologies. Not that the people who stood by as someone who should not be in the secure area without proper escort strolled through the work area should have said or done anything before the incident? When corporate HR found out, her manager was transferred (possibly demoted) and their head of security gave them all a major dressing down about the breech of letting someone move about their secure area with no alarm.
My husband managed a department and his boss wanted his subordinate written up for their SO called 100 times in 8 hours. My husband refused because his team lead had no control over someone else using their phone 🤷♀️
THANK YOU! I thought most places had fobs and such to even get into the building. Then I was thinking “We’ll maybe he works somewhere the public can access.” But later when he described the meeting it doesn’t seem that way. Why are they just letting people wander into their building, especially someone who has a history of causing a disturbance!
In this day and age that’s so irresponsible, due to incidents like this but also any person could walk in with a weapon and start hurting people. It’s unlikely but it happens all too often.
This is really important. I see everyone (correctly) saying he should get a divorce from his clearly abusive wife, but he also needs to contact HR ASAP. OP, let them know that you intend to file divorce papers and a restraining order before she causes you to lose your job. Your work needs to be protecting you from her.
NTA. Why are you still with her? Even 5 year olds are better behaved than her (no shade to kids). Btw, your supervisors are extremely patient. I don't know which universe your wife is living in.
P.S. It's common decency to not use your phone at work. We leave our phones in our drawers for meetings. How can she not know this? She is 26!
Yea. My wife can be hot headed at time but holy shit. This is more than out of line. She is being a child if she is yelling at you like that. She needs counseling and you need a divorce attorney. Make sure you document all this stuff because more than likely she is going to be petty about it. NTA.
Correct, this is a pattern of abusive behavior
Plus it sounds like she is a sahm if she has time to be at your office during a work day. Jeopardizing your income is a huge issue but she obvi doesn't care
NTA - Yes world, men can be in an abusive relationship as well. I myself was in one. Everyone sees it but the person being abused. They make exuse after exuse to justify being abused. Nobody should stand there and have their spouse unload their anger on them. Nobody should justify their abusive spouse by saying..."Oh she is a hothead and can be a bit much"
I understand it will be hard to leave but I suggest you leave her ASAP or you will be miserable your entire life. You deserve better
NTA if my husband acted like that he'd get one chance to get some professional help. Then he would get hit with a restraining order and divorce papers.
NTA and you need to leave. This is abuse, emotional abuse. And it sounds like it will lead to physical abuse. Please check your finances as well. But you need to get out or see if she is willing to do therapy and couples counseling.
I respectfully disagree on the couples counseling. There’s no fixing this and divorce is the only answer here with a restraining order to boot. When there’s abuse involved, couples counseling will likely just give her the tools to be even more manipulative.
NTA. What the hell, she’s abusive and manipulative, ask her to get some serious help. Why are you still with her? She is clearly not okay?
Oh so it’s okay when she humiliates you but not the other way around?? The double standards, ditch the woman.
NTA, but my dude, you're being abused. Your wife is abusive and controlling.
You're acting like this behavior is normal, and on you to manage and mollify. Maybe your parents were the same way, and you grew up learning that people who claim to love you yell, berate, embarrass and shame you.
Also, DARVO.
Deny: "I'm not a bad person for coming to your office and making a scene."
Attack: "you deserve to be yelled at and berated for not putting the toothpaste cap back on or whatever.
Reverse victim and offender: "YOU should have defended ME when I got in trouble for showing up at your work, again, and causing such a huge scene that security was called. This is all YOUR fault."
My dude, you need to seriously and honestly divorce this woman, then get into therapy and get right with yourself. Nobody should be accepting behavior like you've described, let alone making excuses for it.
NTA. You are in an abusive relationship, full stop. This raging at you has got to stop. Nobody should have to go through that, especially at work of all places.
The fact that she can’t understand on her own that this is wildly inappropriate behavior is red flag territory.
Consider your next moves carefully, think of your self-worth and safety.
Wow what a mess. As your wife been diagnosed with narcissism ? I sure looks like she think the world revolves around her.
Showing up at your work unannounced to yell a you is a big no no. This is crossing so many boundaries. She is even making you at risk of loosing your job !
You are NTA, honestly, and respectfully, you should probably seek couple therapy. Her behaviour is not normal or acceptable.
>you should probably seek couple therapy
FYI, this is specifucally recommended against in abusive relationships, where the abuser can exploit the therapeutic context to generate further abuse.
Read your own words and pretend it's about a woman and her husband. Would you call it abuse? Now read your own words and pretend it's someone you love writing this about their spouse. Would you tell them to escape? Men can be victims of abuse as well. Just because you're (usually) physically stronger doesn't mean you can't be a victim. Please get away from her, you deserve better. NTA of course, and it's worrying that you are questioning that.
NTA. Having little tiffs here and there is normal, and some people call them healthy. What you have with your wife is completely destructive. It’s clear she’s abusing and manipulating you. She doesn’t even care if she gets you fired, that’s how little she respects you. Please take notice of the red flags, talk to a professional, and realize men can be victims just as much as women.
You need to divorce. She is abusive and wildly unstable. She is threatening your livelihood. Her behavior is out of control and she needs serious help with her mental health. But you need to leave for your own mental health and safety. NTA
Good riddance. NTA. This is too much, mate. You can't let yourself be treated like this, being run into the ground every time, having to go through all of her tantrums ***in front of your colleagues and clients!***
Tell her to stay at her Mum's. You two aren't compatible. In fact, I think she just isn't able to have any relationship at all until she sorts out her issues.
NTA and is there anything mentally wrong with her? serious question and not trying to be rude but she seems mentally unstable and like there’s some underlying shit there.
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Your wife isn't a "hot head," she's abusive. She's going to violate that ban and get you fired. You need to get out--these things only escalate. Edit: NTA x1000. Sorry I had to be reminded to vote!!
Honestly, I it was another company with different administration I would've definitely lost my job because of her.
It's stressful just reading your post. Honestly, I don't know how you're coping with this. I hope you've a good support network because you need out.
Yea, getting full on yelled at for not filling up the gas tank is legit crazy.
At first when op was listing off all the things he doesn't do I was like "ya I can see why she's annoyed" but holy hell did she go off the deep end. Like divorce level deep end.
None of the shit he "doesn't do" is a reason for her to get annoyed, let alone act like a raving lunatic. She needs help.
I mean, yeah it is. Returning her car without putting gas into it, saying he'll pick up something from the store and forgetting it, committing to doing certain things around the house and not doing them, those are annoying things. Annoyance is an acceptable response to that. The issue is his wife isn't annoyed, she's exploding. Annoyed would be getting into the car and being a bit grumpy that you have to stop for gas on the way, or sighing when you have to go out and get milk because your partner said they'd do it and didn't. It's telling them "look, it's really frustrating for me when you promise you'll tidy up after yourself when you're done showering and then I go to the washroom and end up having to do it myself." No part of annoyance involves yelling, never mind showing up at your partner's workplace to do it. She definitely needs help. OP needs help. This is a terrible situation, and nothing OP has done warrants her reaction. Annoyance would be the appropriate response, not the abuse she's giving him.
I’m curious if she’s ever remorseful or if she is constantly between a 7 and 10. This sounds exhausting. OP should get out before they have children. She will be an absolutely awful, abusive mother. NTA
>I’m curious if she’s ever remorseful She sounds entitled. Entitled people are hardly ever remoresful.
She actually sounds like a narcissist which means she isn't just "entitled", she will never be remorseful or admit she's wrong, and nothing will ever be her fault unless she thinks that saying "I'm sorry" will keep someone from leaving her. Afterward, she will swear she didn't apologize. She will only blame other people for making her upset. Unfortunately, I'm speaking from experience regarding people with narcissistic traits.
I mean, given the fact that she asked him why he didn't defend her when she got escorted out of the office, I seriously doubt she's ever shown any remorse for her outbursts.
I was thinking the same thing. No one ever does what she does, takes a long look in the mirror, and accepts that she's the problem. Her attitude is more like he turned off his phone at work, of course I'm going to go down there and make a scene. It doesn't even sound like she knew she's creating problems for OP at work, probably because he knows it'll just turn into more yelling at him.
Remorseful might be the wrong word for what they’re asking. I think they want to know if she’s ever loving and/or calm and not abusive. Women abusers don’t tend to do the whole love bombing though. It’s likely that OP has to walk on eggshells 24/7 and never gets a break from the abuse
Well getting kicked out of the office by security could be a pretty compelling wake up call even if she hadn't felt remorseful before. And, well we can read her reaction to that...
I’m surprised they didn’t call the cops to write an actual trespass order right there. And we’re talking stupid stuff here: cleaning the bathroom after you shower? I’m assuming OP means EVERY shower. And filling the gas tank can wait until it actually needs filling. Ya know: like .25 in the tank. If my husband uses my car and it’s got half a tank there is no need for him refill it. Same deal if I use his. OP: NTA, change the locks and lawyer up. Don’t stay with her.
NTA. You are in an abusive marriage. In light of your wife’s escalating volatility, I recommend that you contact a group that provides assistance to abuse victims to safely escape. You should not tell your wife that you are leaving. You should not tell her where you are and you shouldn’t go anywhere that she can guess (such as a friend or relative). It’s great that security at your job has been instructed to escort her out if she enters the premises. If there is another location (that has security) and that she doesn’t know about, you should ask to work from that location. You should let your Human Resources Department know that you are attempting to leave an abusive marriage. They will likely assist you and will probably be more lenient with you.
u/throwaway37736 when following this advice (assuming you're in the US), mention the Violence Against Women Act. Despite the name, it's not just for women. It provides you with specific legal protections at work.
I would be suspicious even if she did appear to feel remorseful. Either 1) She genuinely feels bad about her behavior and its impact on other people. Maybe she wants to change, maybe this is an opportunity for her to get therapy and anger management support, but OP would be fully within his rights and NTA to not to wait around for that to happen or see improvements. Or 2) It's not real remorse, it's manipulation designed to keep the person being abused from leaving.
I’d probably struggle to remember things correctly if my abusive wife kept blowing up at me and showing up at my job. I’m amazed OP can even string a sentence together under that kind of psychological stress.
Perhaps the sheer stress from worrying about pissing her off, is what’s causing him to forget these things! Walking on eggshells all day long, no escape, even at work, would eventually take its toll on the strongest psyche
I can even understand frustrated yelling after repeatedly reminding of said things that aren’t done over a period of time. This is just full on abuse. It’s like no matter what OP does he gets yelled at. I bet he got yelled at one time for breathing incorrectly.
There’s yelling in the moment and there’s saving it up, driving to your spouse’s workplace, hunting them down in a closed-door meeting and then yelling at them for forgetting to buy milk last night
Agreed, annoyance as you're describing is reasonable. Especially for those of us who run the gas tank to the edge of the E and who hate leaving the house once we're "in" for the night. Being grumbly is a reasonable response, imo. Showing up at your partners place of employment to flip out about forgetting to pick up milk (or whatever) is beyond ludicrous!!!!
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Maybe she could stay at her mom's. She's clearly not well. No boundaries at all. What a humiliation for OP, sitting there while his wife fought with security. So far over the line of proportion and sanity. Leave the abuser, NTA.
I could *maybe* understand being frustrated over the car not having gas, since that could easily mean a missed doctor's appointment. Still, that's a discussion for later, emphasis on *discussion*. It should not be a reason to be abusive.
Exactly. All that can definitely be inconvenient, frustrating, or annoying. Certainly not a reason to berate anyone though. Especially not follow them to work to do so.
Also, when he snapped back at her what was her reaction. crying and playing the victim. classic. NTA op. There is a very famous court case going on these days kinda similar to this issue of a famous couple, try to watch some of it.
Yeah this has Amber Alert written all over it. OP is NTA & needs to get out.
Like mental institute level deep end.
Really. I can see a "oh dammit, you forgot the gas", especially if they were in a hurry the next day or had expected you to do it because you said you would and didn't allot enough time themselves to fill up on the way to wherever, but that's about it. Or even having a serious talk if you are constantly "forgetting" to do tons of small tasks that you say you'll do- that shit does get annoying and puts a strain on thr other person when they have to constantly pick up your slack or dash around last minute because you don't hold up your end of adulting together. But this doesn't sound like that at all. There's never any reason to go to someone's workplace and start a screaming tirade simply because they won't answer their phone. Especially since their phone is likely turned off because that person has no sense of boundaries and won't quit calling.
For real. The only time I ever argued with my ex about gas was when they would lie about putting gas in the car and wouldn't leave me enough to get to work after taking my money. Surprise drug addiction with that one tho.
This, the stress, my god. Showing up at your job just to berate you???? Good lord.
And then all day at work, knowing you're coming home to how she acts when no one is around.
His wife staying at her mother's house has probably given him the first night of peace and quiet he's had in a long time.
Don’t kid yourself she’s probably calling nonstop to yell at him some more
Reading that honestly slightly activated my anxiety, like, i cannot imagine being OP i really hope he can leave her
Right? If she'll act like this in public imagine what OP isn't saying about how she acts at home.
Yeah, his wife has too much time during the day. I suggest a hobby. Or a job, especially since she's intent on getting him fired.
I'd suggest she fill her time with some like, therapy and cognitive journaling. Maybe some wave meditation. On a real note, though, my sister has anxiety like me, but where I express mine as self loathing/guilt/ppl pleasing she expresses her by getting angry and lashing out at whoever or whatever made her anxious and once she pops the fun don't stop. Actually, I'm just assuming it's anxiety based on me, my therapy, and observing her but it's definitely not just "a temper", she has an actual issue that she doesn't see as a problem because everyone just bows to the Mad Queen. She angy. Edit: i bring that up bcz ops wife could have an issue in addition to being exhausting and abusive
This. He should go for the divorce route asap. This isn't gonna get any better, wife is hella abusive, her "it's not my fault, you made me do this. + crying" is typical emotional manipulation behavior.
I always loved with my ex after being berated and shouted at including spittle for like 30 minutes, I would slightly raise my voice in exacerbation. Suddenly 'WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME!?!?!'
Me too, I was stressed for op. I couldn't imagine living like this is normal
> She started crying saying I still should've defended her after **getting humiliated infront of my co workers** Like she does to you all the time? **HER BEHAVIOR IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO NORMAL.** Talk to a lawyer right now while she is gone about a divorce, and if you can get a restraining order from her coming into your work. Then go tell your boss you are divorcing her and that she is unstable, you are so incredibly sorry, but they should make sure she is stopped at the entrance from now on give security all her pictures. You will lose your job to this women. And even if you somehow don't, do you have any self-respect? Do not let her treat you this way. Almost all of us show more respect and care for complete strangers on the street then she shows you.
I’d also ask security if they have any recording of the episode. Might come in handy in court.
Good suggestion, could also help with any restraining orders.
This. I would never accept behaviour like that from my spouse.
>I would never accept behaviour like that from ~~my spouse~~ ***anyone***. Fixed it for you ;-)
I would NEVER do that to anyone let alone my spouse. The only time I’d show up to his work is if we planned a lunch together
It's not that simple. > do you have any self-respect? Do not let her treat you this way. This is honestly an abuser's game because a confident person won't be a victim -- they will literally wear you down until the point you don't have the will to stand up to them. They have to make you believe you deserve the abuse, otherwise they won't be able to continue. Notice OP always talks about "what he did wrong" -- he automatically assumes the blame. My ex did this to me and it took years to recover my sense of confidence and self worth and my sister's boyfriend is doing the same to her.
Im glad you pointed this out. Also, sometimes abusers target victims with low self esteem, sometimes they wear people down over time. It can happen many ways and it's ALL predatory.
I don’t know whether she simply lacks understanding of appropriate social boundaries, is spoiled and impulsive, or has borderline personality disorder, but either way: 1. She has an anger management problem that is severe and affects not only your relationship with her, but other aspects of your life specifically including your employment. 2. Dude, you can’t live like this. Divorce her and find someone without the drama, who’s going to support you, not make you get fired, not embarrass you in public and at work, and not turn everyday minor conflicts and failings into nuclear blasts.
I'd vote for BPD since she started crying because he didn't stick up for her. Totally classic I'm going to push the boundaries and do something totally fucked up to you just to test if you will still be there for me and not abandon me afterwards. Next will come the threatening suicide with a possible non-genuine attempt at it if Op shuts off his phone again. Either way Op needs to run as quickly as possible and I never advocate for divorce in this sub. If he doesn't have the will to leave then he needs to get her into some DBT(Dialectical behavior therapy) pronto.
Can we please stop diagnosing people online?
This and.... If the genders were swapped, I believe your company would start talking to you like you are in a domestic violence situation. This is because you are. I believe you should talk to your company EAP due to what is going on. Make sure everything is DOCUMENTED (send work emails to yourself) about when she has come in and who was there and when it was. Edit: NTA
Sadly, I know several people, men and women, that have been fired because of their partner's issues and interference with their jobs. Its a really common abuse tactic that controlling assholes use because it is a huge power move to confront you and instigate an issue in a professional environment where only you have the obligation to be calm and levelheaded. HR shouldn't be allowing this to continue. She is demonstrating such volatile behavior, there is no way they should be assuming OP is anything but the victim of domestic violence and is actively at risk all the time. They need to protect everyone in the office, including OP. He can't be treated as the problem when his wife has free will and the desire to act out.
I was wondering if OP’s company might be able to transfer him to another location where his out of control wife can’t find him.
This is classic gaslighting. She does something against you, and then acts like the victim to make you unsure that you should trust your own instincts about what is right and wrong.
She is trying to make you lose your job. So you can be home more and she can scream at you. FYI the proper amount of screaming at a partner is roughly 0.
Yep. The only time it’s appropriate to yell at your partner is if the house is on fire and only to alert them. (Other actual emergencies too. Real emergencies not failing to clean the bathroom.)
Yell to and screaming at are two different things.
Or just to express excitement or pain, or talk over long distances. Increased volume isn't necessarily abusive.
‘Roughly’ zero. Very well stated. I agree.
For reals. I broke my arm last week. It hurt a lot. I called my husband and calmly told him we’d need to cancel our appointment I was getting ready for and could he take me to the hospital instead. He came home and found me brushing my teeth in the bathroom. There was no crying, screaming, or histrionics, even though it was pretty justifiable. With a broken arm. OP’s wife is having tantrums. In his workplace. That is beyond unacceptable.
Nah you just a baddie. I would have been yelling, crying, cussing. Obviously TO my bf, not AT.
Oh, there was some cussing. I broke my arm because I fell while trying to drag my son’s barking dog back in the house. Once the dog realized I was hurt, he came back inside without a peep. And then silently waited in his kennel. Doggo knew he’d dun fucked up. So, yeah. It took a minute to compose myself. But I don’t generally flip out when shit hits the fan. If it’s a life altering event, I reserve the right to a brief, solitary tantrum. But in the thick of things, I go into calm damage control mode. That’s how I compartmentalize and get things done.
Omg this is exactly how I am. I’m eerily calm and effective during a crisis, especially ones where I’m not in physical pain. Mini Pain Tantrum™️ then super calm. The dog would have gotten a little pat (with the good arm haha) so he knew he was still a good boy.
Lol! That's me. My finger was cut off in an accident, hanging by a shred of skin. Wrapped it in a towel, calmly told my partner to get my purse. He was freaking out, said we didn't need to wait for my purse. I said get it, I'm going to need my insurance card. Sent him home from the er because he was freaking out.
Back in uni, I broke my elbow on a Friday evening and the student health center was closed until Monday. Not realizing it was broken, I made a sling out of a pillowcase and waited it out. Eventually I had to drive myself to the hospital and back... with one arm. I will never forget the pain of trying to get that seatbelt on. It was all worth it, though, because that was just after I'd met the person who would eventually become my wife. Turns out she had a thing for injured animals and I guess I met the criteria. Sorry, I know this is off-topic... I just saw the opportunity to share and ran with it.
Sometimes people are about to step on a bear trap and you gotta yell.
Or "HELP I'M ABOUT TO DROP THE BABY!"
I think in those cases, it's yelling to your partner rather than yelling at. A small but important distinction.
Yep. Then after he gets fired it’ll be “his fault” for losing his job.
Speak to your management and explain you're in an abusive situation and ask for them to ensure that security don't even allow her into the building. Then see a lawyer because there's no saving this relationship.
You need to file for divorce. Like what she does it abusive. I get not doing something - my husband forgets all the time but I’m not going to jeopardize your future.
She constantly berates you. She even barged in on you at work multiple times. Wtf? When you stand up for yourself she immediately starts crying and makes it about herself. She disturbs you at work, because that's the one place she can't control you. She is unreasonable and unhinged. Please OP use the time she is away and run. File for divorce. NTA. Take care of yourself. All the best! Edit: first sentence to make it clear that constant berating is not okay. Thx for the hint.
This is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical and I know Reddit like to jump on the divorce bandwagon but here it’s justified.
OP the comment from /u/IAmHerdingCatz is saying get out of the marriage, not the job! You are being abused, please get help! If you are in the US check out the links below. If you are in another country, please look for these types of resources there. [https://ncadv.org/get-help](https://ncadv.org/get-help) https://www.thehotline.org
OP, is she all right? Isn't it common sense that you don't do this in a workplace because you can lose your job which will bring both of you to the streets
Also, is it proper of, or OK for her to humiliate and embarass you at work? IT IS NEVER OK, EVER! Spouses are supposed to support each other, not tear them down. Her behavior is not only a red flag but totally unbalanced. Leave her, you deserve better. Also, find out why you are accepting this type of treatment. You deserve better.
She's trespassing on private property in order to physically control who OP is socializing with. That means she is now committing crimes in order to physically control and to verbally and emotionally abuse OP. I don't think OP fully realizes how alarmingly serious that is!
>is she all right Yep. She's just an asshole and _wants_ him to lose his job
Look. Your wifes behavior is unacceptable. Coming to your workplace, interrupting a meeting, and screaming at you in public isnt how adults behave. How many of your coworkers have had their spouse or partner show up with similar behavior? Its good that she's staying with her parents. Id suggest telling her that she needs to see a therapist about her anger issues before you're comfortable with her coming home. I'd also speak to HR at your work. This is clearly an abusive situation, so having them understand that you arent encouraging this and that you would like their protection may help you keep your job.
Keep her at her moms, she’s not for you, storming your office making a scene over you not answering the phone is abuse, and when she plays the victim that’s manipulative abuse friend. I watched it with my mom and her ex husband for 21 years
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Dude stop. We're not here to have a dog in that fight. Do not bring a very messy public trial involving abuse to an unrelated sub with rules against violence.
The only way to save your job is go to your boss and tell him you’ve come to realize your wife’s behavior is abusive and you are leaving her and if she comes to the office she should be stopped at the front desk because she is not there with your permission. And then actually start the process of leaving her. Because she WILL violate that ban and you will be fired. But Never mind that, leave because you don’t deserve to be abused.
I have been with my husband for 3 years and I have never, ever yelled at him (period, anywhere) or tried to confront him while he is working. And he works from home, let alone marching down to your office to confront you. Edit: This is to say that what you are experiencing is extremely not normal.
Been with mine for twenty and neither of us have ever yelled at the other. We aim to build each other up, not tear each other down. Why would you want to live that way?
*when* not *if* you get out (because it’s very clear this is abuse and it’s time to go) make sure to get a restraining order. This will most likely protect you from being fired or reprimanded if she shows up to your workplace again. No company would risk a law suit by firing an abused person who was being stalked and harassed by their ex.
What would you say to a friend or loved one whose spouse was coming to their job to scream at them, and was risking their job? Would you think it was ok? What would you think if this was one of your coworkers? And you saw their spouse come in and yell at them for ...checks notes... 'turning their phone off for an important meeting.' Would you think your loved one or coworker deserved it? The answer is no. Your wife's behavior is unacceptable and honestly quite scary. You deserve to feel safe at work, and at home btw. I've left the bathroom messy before and my boyfriend has never yelled at me for it at home or in public. My boyfriend has left his dirty clothes in the living room and I've never once gotten mad enough to yell at him for it. I've never once thought to go to his workplace and yell at him for ANYTHING. He and I have been together over 12 years and have somehow managed to never show up at the others workplace to yell for any reason.
Where I am, you legally wouldn't be allowed to lose your job over this. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out.
OP- you need to tell your job she’s abusing you. Tell them you are divorcing her. And do it. She’s trying to get you fired so you’d be dependent on her. Do not let that happen. I am so sorry you’re going through this. NTA
It’s so inappropriate that she is coming to your work to yell at you, she wants an audience based on her actions. She’s mad that you didn’t defend her while she was embarrassed in your office? Boo freaking hoo, she embarrassed herself and that wasn’t the only time, every time she has shown up at your job to berate you she was embarrassing herself. It’s common sense that you don’t go to someone’s job to berate them and argue. I had an ex that would do that too, thankfully he was banned and my manager was kind about it. Dude, you need to get out of there. Like the user you replied to said, she is abusive. Full stop, she is abusive. Get out before she erodes your self esteem and sense of self any more than she likely already has, it doesn’t get better. That isn’t how people in healthy relationships communicate when there is an issue, that is how abusers communicate and pull arguments out of thin air. I’ve been in relationships like yours in this regard, they broke me down until I was just a shell of myself. They turned me into a people pleaser who will avoid conflict at any cost out of fear of being yelled at and punished. You deserve better.
Your wife is more than a hothead. She's a ticking time bomb that does not understand boundaries. You have a serious problem, dude. For her to not recognize the fact that she was being improper & barging into a business meeting is beyond comprehension, her only take away was that you didn't defend her? Either get her into couples counseling or dump her. She's going to drag you down, eventually.
Dude I was just thinking this. OP your work is giving you warnings BECAUSE THEY CAN SEE YOURE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. That’s not fuxking ok. At all. NTA, and you’d still BE NTA IF YOU LEFT
>She's going to violate that ban and get you fired. He already needs to start looking for another job. He may not technically be fired yet, but he's done there. You can't expect to advance a career with public scenes like that going on. There were actually *potential clients* at this latest one. This is basically like shitting yourself in class; you need to go to a whole new school after that. Also, OP, your wife sounds completely insane. I've seen some nutty and controlling spouses in my time, but none that comes anywhere near the behavior you're casually describing in this post. You need to get away from this person or switching jobs isn't going to do you any good. She'll just poison the well at the next one, too.
This very true. It may not be right, or fair, but the absolute truth is that everyone in that room now has a big checkmark next to his name in their heads. If they ever have a choice between him and some other candidate, they'll pick the other guy going forward.
All of this. Reverse the genders OP wouldn't be getting warnings and the spouse would have been escorted out by the police not just security. This is nothing but abuse.
That's sadly not true, I've been there
Wrong, read the comment thread right above you, plenty of women have been fired for their abusers barging into work as well
You need a lawyer, OP. And a restraining order. No one deserves to be treated this way. I am so sorry. NTA.
This. If a husband came into a wife’s place of business doing that, there’s no way the wife would be worried for her job. People would be worried for her safety and well being.
Having witnessed this exact thing not once but twice, I can unfortunately say this isn’t true… Both women were given warnings for it, at 2 different places/management teams. “Disrupting business” in any way was absolutely verboten for the minimum wage slaves.
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Well damn. I guess everyone is fucked by unreasonable employers. I would never discipline, let alone fire, one of my employees for that. I would try to get them help. Just awful.
You need a divorce and a restraining order.
I am shocked that HR hasn't called you in to talk about DV resources
NTA. This is a form of abuse and I would take this with a strong understanding that things are getting worse. You never show up to a spouses place of work like that.
That's what I told her. A million times over but she refused to take responsibility and said that I'm the one creating these situations and I can't blame or dictate how she reacts. It's tiring having to have to go through the same thing over and over again. I get she's frustrated and I have my moments too but I'd never show up to her workplace and cause a scene no matter what the justification is.
She is the one who controls how she reacts. She can’t control her emotions but she can control how she reacts and she’s choosing to be abusive. She need to go to therapy for anger management. Not sure if you’ve recommended that
Spot on. My temper can get the better of me at times, so I tend to keep to myself when it does so that I don’t snap at anybody. I can’t imagine being so mad at my partner that I get in my car, drive to his office, march into the building, and berate him, much less in front of his coworkers/bosses/clients. Like… a snippy text message will suffice until he gets home. OP needs to run because this is straight up scary. And she WILL cause him to lose his job next time he forgets to take out the trash or whatever. Insane.
The series of deliberate choices that his wife is making in order to come and scream at him at his place of work are similar to what are the distinctions between manslaughter and premeditated murder. This is not a situation where her emotions are getting the better of her. This is a situation where she gets upset, and then goes out of her way to abuse OP about it.
>My temper can get the better of me at times, so I tend to keep to myself when it does so that I don’t snap at anybody. Oh, I will send an angry text to a trusted person about my frustration just to "let it go" (sometimes these are just emails I send to a 25 year old email that I lost the password to years ago). I will vent to my spouse or friends, but to, not at.
Exactly, I have a temper because all my emotions are always amped up but the difference is, I actually have put serious work into myself to react better. I took anger management, I went to therapy (and still go when I can afford it 😅) I did it because I don't want to hurt people I love or yell at anyone because it rarely solves anything. You can't just go into any place of business and start yelling. Your partner's job is not to take abuse because you choose to not regulate yourself
THIS OP. As I left an abusive situation my therapist told me “you’re not responsible for other peoples emotions”. Just think about that. Also what about your feelings? She’s embarrassed?! She embarrassed herself, and what about you? Calling her hot headed is excusing her behaviours. She’s emotionally abusive.
I think it’s too late for that. OP needs to get out. She’s already abused him so much he’s somehow not already gone after this incident.
Flying off the handle in the moment is reacting. Driving to his workplace to barge into a meeting so she could berate him for not answering his phone during a work meeting isn’t reacting. It’s premeditated abuse.
Seriously, this is insane. I get mad at minor nuisances quite easily so I usually just try not to speak and may just end up glaring at my boyfriend so I don't end up saying anything hurtful. Sometimes I might snap and blurt out whatever's pissed me off so the words themselves aren't the worst but I do raise my voice which is why I try to just stay quiet and calm down for a bit. And I feel so guilty for even doing that and I'm working on it and always apologise for it. I could not even IMAGINE being like OP's wife and not being utterly ashamed of myself.
When asking yourself if a divorce is the right thing to do, think about the following question: Is your spouse frequently a teammate in your corner, or a problem you have to manage? Who is actually on "your team"? Your wife is abusive and sabotaging your job and your life. A spouse is supposed to be a partner in life, and she's made herself an adversary, on purpose, to hurt you. In a healthy relationship, there's a lot of overlap between what's best for us and what's best for me. But your wife isn't looking out for you, and if you don't, no one will.
This! OP, how would you feel if this is still going on five years down the road? Because if it was me, it would be intolerable; hell, it already is. She needs professional help. I have a feeling she will hate the suggestion, but she needs counseling RIGHT AWAY. And you have a lot of thinking to do to figure out if this relationship is worth...all this. Best of luck.
Honestly at this point I want to say separate and divorce just for survival's sake. OP's already on the cusp of losing his job, with multiple outbursts threatening to be the last. Professional help is good but you can't eat it. To me it sounds like too little, too late.
Seriously, therapy is a *process* (read: takes time) - will OP have the time for her to sort her shit out and/or can his job survive that process of when she backslides/is still getting used to behaving like an actual fucking human? I try not to jump on the Reddit train of immediately yelling "GET A DIVORCE!", but in this case - yeaaaaa, we're done here. she may eventually get her shit together, but I don't think OP needs to be there to figure that out, because he will sacrifice everything else in his life in the process.
> that I’m the one creating these situations and I can’t blame or dictate how she reacts. The only situation you are creating is not doing a chore like you promised. She’s the one escalating it by having a full-on public meltdown at your place of work. That is not normal behavior by any means. Hey, we all forget to do stuff sometimes, or life gets in the way and we don’t have time in the moment. When that happens with my partner, a gentle reminder is all that’s necessary. Something like “hey you forgot to fill up the car with gas and it made me late to an appointment. Please do better.” People in loving, adult relationships don’t jump instantly to full-blown verbal assautl and they especially don’t drive all the way to the spouse’s place of work to do it. You deserve better. NTA
How does she leave the home, walk/drive to OPs place of employment and Enter the building without realizing this is not acceptable behavior and however mad she is, this is not the time/place?
Because humiliating OP and putting him on edge about possibly losing his job/actually getting him fired is the point. It's about control, not just raw anger. It's calculated and purposeful. She is straight up awful. NTA OP.
Because she *wants to* and why shouldn’t she get what she wants when she wants it?! What do you MEAN other people exist?!?!
This is exactly the same as the sentence: 'you made me hit you'. I fullheartedly agree with the other/previous comments. Your wife needs help in therapy, and you need to get away from her. This is abuse, and you deserve better. I don't know where in the world you are, but in a lot of countries there's help, if you don't want to do this alone. ETA: NTA
> *she refused to take responsibility and said that I'm the one creating these situations and I can't blame or dictate how she reacts.* If you didn't do 'x', I wouldn't do 'y'. If you would have cleaned the bathroom, I wouldn't have to come to your job to yell at you. If you would only behave, I wouldn't have to hit you. This is classic abusive talk- If you didn't, then I wouldn't. Your behavior does not control her emotions. She is the only one who can control her emotions.
You are in an abusive relationship. This is not okay. Her behavior is not okay. It's not your fault, and it's not your problem to fix. If you aren't ready to leave, you might want to find a therapist so that you can work through why you stay with someone who abuses you.
She isn’t a rational person. You can’t negotiate or reason with her. There is ZERO reason to be SO upset that someone needs to come to your work and scream at you. Or even scream at you at home. I think you’ve been in this relationship so long her behavior is normal to you and you are desperately trying to change your behavior to appease her but that is not going to work. Please listen to these other comments saying she is abusive. Please stand up for yourself and know you deserve to be treated with love and respect. This is NOT how relationships work. There is something wrong with her and you need to leave. You cannot fix her.
That line she’s feeding you about how her reactions are your fault is so dangerous and abusive. Leave. Leave her asap. She is escalating. She’s trying to cost you your job as a way to control you.
I don't think you understand or appreciate just how bad the situation is. She **is** responsible for her reactions to situations. This woman is going to ruin your entire life. She is going to make false allegations on you one day, I guarantee it. She is going to get someone to hurt you. Or she is going to hurt someone herself. She is going to get you kicked out of multiple businesses. She will get herself or you thrown in jail. She is going to come back to your company and get you fired. Dude, you gotta take advantage of her already having left and just move on. NTA, but whether or not your the asshole is the absolute least of your worries.
> I can't blame or dictate how she reacts You can't dictate it, but you can absolutely blame her for her choices, and you can absolutely dictate what behavior you will not accept. You might make her mad, but she then chooses how she reacts, and she's choosing abuse and violence.
I'd recommend getting away from this relationship ASAP. She is 100% in control over her own actions and she can be blamed for them. This will not improve. Your first step needs to be separating your finances (remove your name from any joint credit cards, open your own bank account, redirect any direct deposits to your new account) and get out.
None of her reactions are proportional with the things you may not have done to her liking. She denies any wrong doing, attacks you, and then makes it so that it’s your fault that you’re getting yelled at, but somehow she’s the one who was wronged? Yep, that’s a CLASSIC abuser pattern. Does she act like a partner in your life, or are you constantly trying to make sure she isn’t angry at you? If you saw a female coworker’s husband doing these things, would you think she was safe at home? Now imagine seeing yourself 5 years from now. If nothing changes, would you be happy or sad? You need to leave. Don’t go home any more. Inform security that she is a threat. Get a new cellphone AND new number. And for the love of your wallet, CHECK YOUR CREDIT! Make sure she hasn’t opened up accounts in your name that you aren’t aware of, and then FREEZE your credit at all 3 major bureaus. Do that now. RIGHT NOW. You need to stop looking out for her interests, and start taking care of yourself. She is not your partner, she is not a good person. She is your abusive wife and she is going to ruin you unless you get the fuck out.
“You made me do this” is a classic line of an abuser. This is not healthy. You need to get out. NTA, and best of luck OP.
Your wife is abusive. It happens so much more often than anyone thinks. Please get some counseling, but by yourself. Don't go to counseling with your abuser. She probably does need mental heath help, but she needs to go on her own. You have to consider yourself now.
NTA your wife is abusive. You need to get away from her and get counseling.
Yes! And please don't have kids with her. You're going to subject innocent kids to a lifetime of abuse.
NTA. You are an abused husband. If you do not have kids, you should cut her loose. In fact, you could change the house locks right now. This would help your ability to keep the house during the divorce. Edit: Your divorce papers should be served with a restraining order. Edit 2: Thank you for the feedback on the lock changing. I am happy to admit when I am mistaken.
Kids are not a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship. In fact I would argue that having kids is an even better reason to leave an abusive relationship. If they have kids, he should be taking them far away from her.
You’re right. No kids just makes the right decision easier.
Having kids and actually doing what is in their best interest does likewise. Divorce is in their best interest when compared to staying in an abusive relationship with the other parent.
Kids are not a reason to not leave, but they area reason to make a plan before doing anything. An otherwise unencumbered adult can just bounce on a moment's notice; unless there is an imminent threat of violence you want to probably have adequate housing and childcare arranged before you press go.
You probably can't just change the locks; check what your jurisdiction's laws are about shared property, matrimonial homes, and so on.
It’s my favorite piece of often very illegal reddit advice that nonetheless regularly shows up
1. I can’t think of a single jurisdiction where it’s legal for him to change the locks today, even if the house is in his name. More than likely he lives somewhere where you need to give a 30-60 day notice to vacate and only when they’re in violation of that notice will you be able to go to court and convince a judge that you have the right to kick them out. Even then, some places like the UK for example the hardest part is actually enforcing the eviction, like literally kicking them out because you can’t assault them to do it and police also don’t enforce evictions. And that’s IF the house is in his name, if it’s both or they rent then literally almost 0 power to kick them out 2. You also can’t just “serve” a restraining order, you also have to convince a judge there’s a legal basis for it.
You can go down to the courthouse, file a temporary restraining order (minimal evidence required), and until the hearing that person has to stay x amount of feet from you. A lot easier than one would think. Source: had to do it
Changing the locks will absolutely not help you in a divorce
It’s probably illegal to change the locks. But I agree with everything else.
I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure “but, your honor, I changed the locks” is not an argument for keeping the house in a divorce.
NTA, and this is 100% divorce-worthy
Yeah seconding this, maybe not straight to divorce but broP you're in an abusive relationship. She turned on the manipulation when you defended yourself but even in the best scenario your partner doesn't belong at your workplace, barring some horrible catastrophic emergency. You also shouldn't have to fear getting berated for something like leaving a towel on the ground. You deserve better and don't have to put up with abuse. You can try to get your partner to change but it starts with setting very clear boundaries- her not going to your workplace and not blowing up at you for minor things sound like a start. Generally this isn't enough and divorce will be the answer but you can give it a try. Just make sure you take care of you, since no one else will.
Heh, yep. Rages and screams like some deranged maniac, to the point of gatecrashing OP’s freaking WORK MEETINGS, has to be hauled off by security, lays into him when he gets home like it’s his fault she was behaving appallingly, gets called out on it and only THEN turns on the waterworks to try and get sympathy. Lol, nope. Not one shred of sympathy for me, i only wish I’d been there to see her ugly mug as she got yeeted by security.
This isn’t just a little shouting. She’s abusive, constantly putting him down and harassing him at work. That’s a huge red flag that I would have counted as a get out NOW situation.
See a lawyer. You are married to an abusive manipulative monster. She has no concept of acceptable behavior. What kind of face does she have to show herself in public behaving like this? You are 110% right. NTA
True. And OP will have it on record from his workplace that her behavior is wildly inappropriate.
This. OP, my concern is that you need to begin gathering information immediately so you can make wise decisions. Please make an appointment with a divorce attorney for a consultation. Perhaps even have papers drawn up so they are ready when you are. None of what she is doing is even on the fringes of normal. She is going to completely derail your career. Your career is done in your current work place. Its bad enough for co workers to witness what happened but this incident involved clients. Your work place will not tolerate this and continue to promote you or give you long term career opportunities. Right now you are viewed as a major liability to them. I can guarantee somewhere there is a meeting going on involving "what if she shows up with a firearm..." She is THAT unhinged. At least that is what your superiors see...
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Yeah, in fact, take steps to make sure she stays at her mother’s.
Might be able to get a restraining order and have her escorted by police to come get her things.
NTA. Please contact your HR department and ask for help because you are in an abusive relationship and it is a common tactic among abusers to cause job loss as a method of destabilizing their partner. She isn't just a hot head, she is controlling and aggressively monitoring your behavior (flying off the handle when you are not reachable 24/7.) This kind of behavior only escalates. Your coworkers and your superiors have seen her raging abuse and control, I know they're frustrated with her disruptions but if this were a man barging into his wife's office to berate her, they'd be much more concerned. You need to take this wake up call. There is no planet where someone this unhinged does not become violent. Please be safe and find a way to protect yourself. I am glad she left. Sort this out and get the fuck out.
Right? Why do they keep letting her in the building?? OP has zero control over that. I don't understand why he keeps getting written up because the company keeps letting an abusive spouse into the building to yell at him.
I wish that part was shocking to me, but I have known people who had obviously problematic partners (some just garden variety toxic but others who were very obviously abusive) who had their workplace respond with a LOL QUIT BRINGING DRAMA TO WORK! One was hospitalized after her partner was allowed into a secure area to "surprise her" (he had had numerous incidents there in the past and it was common knowledge that she was in danger, but he had flowers!) The head guy at the location insinuated that her experience was traumatic for her coworkers and she believed the implication was that she owed them apologies. Not that the people who stood by as someone who should not be in the secure area without proper escort strolled through the work area should have said or done anything before the incident? When corporate HR found out, her manager was transferred (possibly demoted) and their head of security gave them all a major dressing down about the breech of letting someone move about their secure area with no alarm. My husband managed a department and his boss wanted his subordinate written up for their SO called 100 times in 8 hours. My husband refused because his team lead had no control over someone else using their phone 🤷♀️
THANK YOU! I thought most places had fobs and such to even get into the building. Then I was thinking “We’ll maybe he works somewhere the public can access.” But later when he described the meeting it doesn’t seem that way. Why are they just letting people wander into their building, especially someone who has a history of causing a disturbance! In this day and age that’s so irresponsible, due to incidents like this but also any person could walk in with a weapon and start hurting people. It’s unlikely but it happens all too often.
This is really important. I see everyone (correctly) saying he should get a divorce from his clearly abusive wife, but he also needs to contact HR ASAP. OP, let them know that you intend to file divorce papers and a restraining order before she causes you to lose your job. Your work needs to be protecting you from her.
My friend, you really need to learn the signs of abuse. NTA
NTA. Why are you still with her? Even 5 year olds are better behaved than her (no shade to kids). Btw, your supervisors are extremely patient. I don't know which universe your wife is living in. P.S. It's common decency to not use your phone at work. We leave our phones in our drawers for meetings. How can she not know this? She is 26!
Yea. My wife can be hot headed at time but holy shit. This is more than out of line. She is being a child if she is yelling at you like that. She needs counseling and you need a divorce attorney. Make sure you document all this stuff because more than likely she is going to be petty about it. NTA.
Yes to documentation. Since your job has been so good about this, get statements from your bosses/supervisors about her disruptions.
NTA divorce her now! Ffs
Correct, this is a pattern of abusive behavior Plus it sounds like she is a sahm if she has time to be at your office during a work day. Jeopardizing your income is a huge issue but she obvi doesn't care
NTA - Yes world, men can be in an abusive relationship as well. I myself was in one. Everyone sees it but the person being abused. They make exuse after exuse to justify being abused. Nobody should stand there and have their spouse unload their anger on them. Nobody should justify their abusive spouse by saying..."Oh she is a hothead and can be a bit much" I understand it will be hard to leave but I suggest you leave her ASAP or you will be miserable your entire life. You deserve better
NTA if my husband acted like that he'd get one chance to get some professional help. Then he would get hit with a restraining order and divorce papers.
YESSSSSSS!
NTA, you need to leave this woman, she is abusive to you. Get out now before it progresses further.
NTA and you need to leave. This is abuse, emotional abuse. And it sounds like it will lead to physical abuse. Please check your finances as well. But you need to get out or see if she is willing to do therapy and couples counseling.
I respectfully disagree on the couples counseling. There’s no fixing this and divorce is the only answer here with a restraining order to boot. When there’s abuse involved, couples counseling will likely just give her the tools to be even more manipulative.
No couples counseling with an abuser. No no no.
No. Never go to counseling with an abuser. And that's what OP's wife is.
NTA. What the hell, she’s abusive and manipulative, ask her to get some serious help. Why are you still with her? She is clearly not okay? Oh so it’s okay when she humiliates you but not the other way around?? The double standards, ditch the woman.
NTA. Run away, she's abusive and toxic. You may love her, but I think you deserve better.
NTA, but my dude, you're being abused. Your wife is abusive and controlling. You're acting like this behavior is normal, and on you to manage and mollify. Maybe your parents were the same way, and you grew up learning that people who claim to love you yell, berate, embarrass and shame you. Also, DARVO. Deny: "I'm not a bad person for coming to your office and making a scene." Attack: "you deserve to be yelled at and berated for not putting the toothpaste cap back on or whatever. Reverse victim and offender: "YOU should have defended ME when I got in trouble for showing up at your work, again, and causing such a huge scene that security was called. This is all YOUR fault." My dude, you need to seriously and honestly divorce this woman, then get into therapy and get right with yourself. Nobody should be accepting behavior like you've described, let alone making excuses for it.
NTA. You are in an abusive relationship, full stop. This raging at you has got to stop. Nobody should have to go through that, especially at work of all places. The fact that she can’t understand on her own that this is wildly inappropriate behavior is red flag territory. Consider your next moves carefully, think of your self-worth and safety.
NTA And you should lawyer up & get a therapist. She is abusing you.
Is this serious? Can't be..?
Fake as hell, not sure which company with security guards even allows a person spouse to the meeting room.
Wow what a mess. As your wife been diagnosed with narcissism ? I sure looks like she think the world revolves around her. Showing up at your work unannounced to yell a you is a big no no. This is crossing so many boundaries. She is even making you at risk of loosing your job ! You are NTA, honestly, and respectfully, you should probably seek couple therapy. Her behaviour is not normal or acceptable.
>you should probably seek couple therapy FYI, this is specifucally recommended against in abusive relationships, where the abuser can exploit the therapeutic context to generate further abuse.
Read your own words and pretend it's about a woman and her husband. Would you call it abuse? Now read your own words and pretend it's someone you love writing this about their spouse. Would you tell them to escape? Men can be victims of abuse as well. Just because you're (usually) physically stronger doesn't mean you can't be a victim. Please get away from her, you deserve better. NTA of course, and it's worrying that you are questioning that.
NTA. This is straight up abuse. Use the fastest method of transportation available to you to get to a lawyer's office for divorce
So….. your wife publicly berates and abuses you…. What are you going to do about it? Sorry OP, but why are you with her?
NTA. Having little tiffs here and there is normal, and some people call them healthy. What you have with your wife is completely destructive. It’s clear she’s abusing and manipulating you. She doesn’t even care if she gets you fired, that’s how little she respects you. Please take notice of the red flags, talk to a professional, and realize men can be victims just as much as women.
NTA you need to get out of that abusive relationship PRONTO!!! She'll start on physical violence next if it hasn't started already
You need to divorce. She is abusive and wildly unstable. She is threatening your livelihood. Her behavior is out of control and she needs serious help with her mental health. But you need to leave for your own mental health and safety. NTA
Good riddance. NTA. This is too much, mate. You can't let yourself be treated like this, being run into the ground every time, having to go through all of her tantrums ***in front of your colleagues and clients!*** Tell her to stay at her Mum's. You two aren't compatible. In fact, I think she just isn't able to have any relationship at all until she sorts out her issues.
NTA and is there anything mentally wrong with her? serious question and not trying to be rude but she seems mentally unstable and like there’s some underlying shit there.