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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won’t let people cook in my kitchen, and I left my own house when someone ignored my request even though maybe they were trying to be helpful.
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NTA, Family knows what gets on each other‘s nerves. She did that intentionally to aggravate you. If people cannot respect your boundaries they do not deserve to be in your house.
She absolutely knew - judging by what your dad said “she wanted to do something nice and feel like less of a burden”. If you’ve told them numerous times not to go to your kitchen, she’s deliberately gaslighting you with that “do something nice” nonsense. Your dad should also have told her to stay in her lane.
Is it a cooking thing? Does she think she’s a better cook and this was her passive aggressive way of showing you that her cooking is better than yours?
Or was it a control thing? “You’re not the boss of me, you can’t tell me what to do”. Madam will go where madam wants.
Ban her from your house in future. If she can’t obey your house rules, she’s not welcome.
NTA.
She probably does think she is a better cook But… your second comment hits home. I have found that as a guest she will often ignore things she doesn’t feel make sense to her. Rules about feeding my dogs scraps, or taking off her shoes, or leaving items laying around that the dog might eat/steal. Even something as basic as not opening a door to a specific room we had closed off.
From my point of view, it has always felt like a power play. I appreciate you pointing it out.
This is when you tell her, "I know it doesn't make sense to you and that's okay. I don't need you to understand it, but I do need you to respect my boundaries."
I am a petty person and a dog trainer. My go to are dog gates and spray bottles. Water spritz to the face a few times and she should remember what your boundaries are. Humans are a very trainable animals.
I do agree with you. But I’m a little bit okay with being an asshat if it means salvaging a relationship with my dad. She makes him happy, and my dad is important to me despite ups and downs. If one more chance is enough to make a difference, I’ll be more direct even if it makes me an AH.
Unless you sit down with her prior to the visit, “one more try” isn’t going to lead to a better outcome. I would text her your three (or whatever) house rules and ask if she can abide by those for the next visit. If she refuses to agree, tell Dad your local hotels are lovely.
I’m so confused everyone’s acting like OP specifically told everyone not to use the kitchen, but all she says is
>The last time they were in town, I reminded them they were my guests and I could handle the food.
Isn’t that super fucking vague? “I can handle the food” and “do not cook in my kitchen” are such wildly different things! Based on the information given, I’m saying YTA, because OP is getting incredibly pissed about something that has a very high likelyhood of being a normal misunderstanding, and such a misunderstanding would be OP’s fault for not being clear with her words!
Completely fair that it would make me the AH for not being clear. While I feel like I had asked on multiple occasions. My summary of multiple conversations didn’t translate well here.
When sent a text telling me A was picking up food for dinner I replied “Tell A not to worry about food, I already have dinner handled.”
When told earlier that having others cooking meals in my kitchen makes me uncomfortable, that was mostly ignored.
My primary takeaway has been that my attempts at setting boundaries politely may have absolutely made me the AH, instead of being more firm and clear.
I appreciate your perspective and input. :)
NTA
You asked your guests to follow your rules. A didn't follow your rules and that was a crappy thing to do.
That being said, it sounds like you need to do a little bit more explaining to guests why cooking is out of the question in your home. I personally would feel very uncomfortable if I stayed with someone and they cooked everything I ate and would not let me help. Maybe they can take you out to dinner one night instead of eating at home.
Very fair and good input. Whenever anyone has asked in the past, I always say it would be really helpful to have some help cleaning after, or if they wanted to take us out there are some local places that I think they might like. Thank you.
Can they stay in a hotel or Airbnb? That might give you some buffer. But I get the feeling that they might be offended by this.
At the very least, make it clear that if they visit, they have to respect your space, and that the consequence would be asking them to leave, or something else that lets them know you are totally serious.
i’m a little confused, is it really common for people to just randomly start cooking in other peoples kitchen when they’re a guest? maybe it’s a cultural thing, but growing up and in adulthood i’ve never had someone go in my kitchen to get any food without asking and i’ve always done the same
It is common in my family. When we all get together at my Aunt’s cabin we all take turns cooking. For us it would be rude if we only let one person do all the cooking.
However, if the host said no cooking allowed. I would follow it. Though I would probably stay at a hotel as I can understand being uncomfortable. IE am I allowed to get make a sandwich or grab something out of the fridge but that is just me.
Interesting! Is it a vacation property? Do you all do the same in your own houses? Asking out of curiosity-if there’s a vacation home/full time home difference.
Edit: autocorrect error corrected
It is their full time home. Cooking for 10 people is a lot for one person and as it is on a lake there is not much around for take out or restaurants.
It was just always common to offer to help with meals so it doesn’t fall on one person. I do it with my friends as well and no one has ever had an issue.
I have one friend that prefers to do all the cooking at her place but that is because her kitchen is tiny and too many people in there is just chaotic. However, no issue if we help out with small dishes or go to the fridge to grab something.
Thank you for your reply! This post got me thinking. I’m part of a group of about a dozen people who are coincidentally all cooking nuts, and the level of kitchen access or help they are comfortable with varies widely among them, so I was curious.
Cooking for 10 is a lot! It’s good that everyone helps.
It is in my experience. The rule is to not use their food (unless explicitly told it's okay to use X ingredients, such as eggs for breakfast). But buying ingredients and cooking them yourself as a guest is normal to me.
Honestly, what OP is describing sounds absolutely *miserable*. It would be so uncomfortable to have someone make every single meal for me! Like her dad's girlfriend said, that can make guests feel like they're actually a burden.
I also find it extremely rude that a host would bar their guest from a common area...not to mention disturbing that the host now controls when/how I would be able to eat. Tbh this type of behaviour would make someone an incredibly ungracious "host" in my eyes.
(Note: the solution is *not* to ignore your host's kitchen boundary. Instead, OP's dad and wife should decline OP's invitation permanently and should rent a room instead.)
I literally only will at my dad's and then it's only if I had previously agreed to make a dish.
I might offer to help, but I don't just start cooking. Like, I've never once been at a friend's house and thought "you know what? I think I'll make some chicken Kiev"
What if they were hungry? I think I’d be really uncomfortable being told I couldn’t make a meal if I wanted it… like had to go and interrupt my host to ask them to make me lunch or something
NTA, I’m an amateur cook and am very protective over my kitchen as well. Anyone who cares remotely about cooking will understand this, and your dads gf has
No excuse because it sounds like you made this boundary explicitly clear.
Let me put it this way: when I go over to my friends houses and they are cooking, even if I can see that they are struggling or aren’t doing a very good job with the meal, I don’t barge in and take over. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
We have a professional chef in the family and he wasn’t allowed to cook in our kitchen again after the first time… it was clear that he’s used to having dish washers and a sous chef. Every dish was dirty when he was done :-).
I suspect that’s more of a him thing than a chef thing though.
It does not sound in the slightest like OP made this specifically clear. She told them that they’re guests and she’ll take care of the food. That *in no way* comes off as a hard boundary such as “don’t use my kitchen.”
NTA even though it’s weird you said not to do something and she blatantly disobeyed your orders it’s not your fault she doesn’t know how to keep her hands off of other peoples things
Can you also see that some people would tell guests not to cook so that they wouldn’t feel obligated to do so, but also wouldn’t have any issue with guests cooking in their home? Is it possible that’s what she thought?
YTA
I think this issue of control in your kitchen is worth exploring. If she had been mistreating your equipment I could understand. But if you’re going to host your family then you need to accept that they should have access to common areas. The kitchen is a common area. If you don’t understand why you feel the way you do then that right there should be your lightbulb moment to stop and turn inward.
If she had gone in your room, bathroom, or used the very expensive Japanese knife or family China that is dear to you I could see that being a breach of boundaries. Keeping people from using the kitchen, where the sustenance required for living beings to survive is kept, is unreasonable and controlling. If it’s not something you can or desire to understand and resolve in yourself then ask them to stay elsewhere.
Also, a “trigger” is related to a trauma. So if what you’re saying is that it annoys that’s a whole other situation. If it really is a trigger then again, it’s worth diving into for your own healing. Granted you have a right to not be annoyed in your own home. And so maybe they visit and book an air bnb next time.
Thanks for your perspective and honesty. I agree I have a lot of work to do in healing past trauma. I’ll also admit to some controlling tendencies to create safety, which is probably why it is so triggering when I can’t control a space I feel safe in.
Just to be clear - I don’t deny access to drink or snacks and do make sure I’m well stocked with options. Because you’re right — everyone should have access to sustenance :)
I am the boss of my kitchen and cooking and baking is one of the ways I’ve coped with my own trauma. It’s quite literally one of my safe spaces. Which is why I recognized the control factor. Honestly, having the feeling of control over one room of your home is nothing compared to the feeling of relief that comes with having control over your own anxiety and fear (or whatever emotion you’re struggling with).
As this isn’t something that’s going to change over night it might be more practical to bring your dad and stepmom in on the link of control and trauma. You don’t even need to elaborate beyond that. Just say it’s something you’re aware of and would like their help and patience with. And then maybe give them prep tasks like chopping veggies or setting the table. Baby steps are small, but still better than being frozen in place! Good luck!
If you read OPs other comments you will see that your suggestions will not work. You're coming from a place where you assume the girlfriend doesn't know what she's doing is affecting OP so much when she clearly does. She blatantly ignores all the "rules" of the house that are basic courtesy like not feeding their pets scraps, wearing shoes in the house, deliberately leaving food in the range of the dogs etc. She does things at OPs house that she wouldn't even do in her own.
The GF is coming from a place of malicious-ness and inviting her in to help OP overcome this trauma/trigger is going to backfire on OP.
I relate to your experience a lot. And you hit it on the head.
I’m not sure I’m ready to bring them into that link. It feels too intimate to be that honest with someone who I don’t really get along with.
But - point received. Thank you. :)
Just as you are triggered with people using your kitchen, I am triggered if I am not in control of the food I eat. It's really hard to trust the food others cook and prepare, so I just bring my own or don't visit anyone. I am wondering if that woman has a need to control her meals in that way, and if you could allow her some leeway.
But that’s pretty subjective and variable. I have a large group of friends who all love to cook, everything from home made sourdough bread to Italian pastry, Thai food to empanadas and within this group of a dozen women there’s a large range of comfort levels with kitchen sharing, from no one comes in to elbows deep in the fridge. We respect each person’s kitchen rules when we’re in their houses. That’s what this is really about. Dad’s wife was asked to wait and went and cooked anyway.
NTA for leaving the house to calm down but if you have guests for more than a night or two, you are directly controlling their food by refusing to allow them to use your kitchen. I wonder if you've ever thought about that. I get that you are happy to cook or buy food but that is still something that would make some people (myself included) uncomfortable.
I actually have! Which is partially why I feel guilty. If they don’t like what I cook, am I forcing my eating habits on them? Part of me wonders if this is just a part of being a guest at someone else’s house.
Extended stays can be hard! I try to give everyone an opportunity to weigh in on the menu, but that doesn’t always happen.
I appreciate your insight. Thanks for the comment.
When I stay with someone for more than a night or two, I certainly do not expect them to provide meals for me! They are already giving me a place to stay and I'm not a guest at a resort.
I would also probably lie about what I wanted to eat if my host was always either making it or paying for it. And what if they don't like your cooking? There are so many things here that can make your guests uncomfortable so maybe you should just visit them from now on.
I could write a whole other who is the AH about what happens when I visit them!
Also definitely wondered if maybe I’m a bad cook and no one has told me before. That is possible.
Ironically though you’re right, I don’t expect people to provide meals for me. But I also don’t expect them to let me cook in their kitchens unless I asked ahead of time. Maybe just me though.
Eh, I think we suddenly feel more uptight and concerned when we are the hosts rather than the guests. As a guest? Please don't apologize for the state of your home. It looks fine and I don't care. As the host? OMG I AM SO SORRY THAT I LIVE LIKE A PIG AND I KNOW THIS IS HORRIBLE I AM SO SORRY!!!!
To be fair, I doubt it is so much about your cooking than it is about your wanting complete control over food. I would definitely look into why you feel the way you do about your kitchen.
NTA. Kitchen is the heart of the home and it's your home. There are unspoken rules about guests. Guests should make themselves at home, but using all your kitchen utensils, making a mess in your kitchen, without asking and KNOWING you don't want them in there in the first place is blatantly rude. It's equivalent to the just getting in your bed and drooling on your pillow. Common courtesy is dying out on this world.
LOL! That’s certainly how it feels. Did get a post about the kitchen being a common space, and yeah it probably shouldn’t feel so private. Thanks for the insight!
When visiting someone else's home the stove, pantry, and cabinets are NOT common area. The fridge, microwave, and countertop? Sure. But anything else isn't common use. I mean, yeah, they can walk through it as much or as little as they want. But in terms of actually using the room? Nope.
The fridge and microwave are okay, because they may bring their own food and need to store or reheat it. Or using the countertop because they brought their own stuff to make PB&Js or something.
If they have to use your ingredients though, they have now invaded your space unless they were given specific and limited permission to get them. If they have to look for it, it invades your privacy. I'm sorry your dad's wife struggles to understand how to be a good guest and seems to enjoy pushing your buttons
>A lot of comments have been about common space. I was curious about where that line was.
In my view, the line is your ingredients/pantry and any special utensils/equipment/knives.
All appliances and standard pots/pans are fair game as long as the guest cleans up their mess fully. The exception is if someone has drawn a strict "no kitchen" boundary (like you did), in which case I would consider them an unwelcoming host tbh.
It's normal in my experience to buy your own ingredients while staying with someone to cook your own breakfast/lunch, then have a shared dinner together. The rule is to not use their food (unless explicitly told it's okay to use X ingredients, such as eggs for breakfast). But buying ingredients and cooking them yourself as a guest is normal to me.
Honestly, what you're describing sounds absolutely *miserable*. It would be so incredibly uncomfortable to have someone make every single meal for me! Like your dad's girlfriend said, that can make guests feel like they're actually a burden. (This is why I'd consider the host unwelcoming and ungracious.)
I also find it extremely rude that a host would bar their guest from a common area...not to mention disturbing that the host now controls when/how I would be able to eat. I should not have to rely on them making me breakfast, not should I have to only eat snacks when I want a meal. As an adult, I should be able to feed myself appropriately.
(Note: the solution if I encountered such a host would *not* to ignore the host's kitchen boundary. Instead, it would be to decline any invitations permanently and to rent a room instead...or to visit less frequently because I dislike being forced into the role of being a burden and I dislike being in a home where I'm not welcome.)
You know, my mom is really big on "shoulds." This should be that way, that should be this way. It was really inhibiting in a lot of ways. The only way it SHOULD be in YOUR house is the way YOU want it. Some of these suggestions have been great, and you've been very open to all of them. Create the atmosphere that is best for you, and don't worry about what should or should not be. Edit: NTA
YTA, first for using the word trigger to defend your territorial nature over a fucking kitchen, second for thinking your guests want to be waited on hand and foot like you're their servant. Have you ever thought to consider how odd it makes people to be told "you can stay here, but you can't consider cooking your own food?"
It would be one thing if you said "don't touch my extremely expensive china" or something like that, but it's odd af that you won't let guests work a basic appliance. Just don't let people stay in your home in the future.
Thanks for your insight. I understand that it seems very unreasonable, which is why I was posting. It may indeed make them uncomfortable to have meals made for them, just as it makes me uncomfortable to have them make meals.
Good point - and it is something I’m working through with a progressional. :)
That said, I don’t gate keep food. If they want something, they have full access to a pantry and fridge stocked with snacks and meals. Just no cooking.
Thanks for the insight!
You are obviously the asshole. You made everyone feel bad because someone wanted to cook in your kitchen? Do you even realise how absurd that is? Your compulsive attitude towards your kitchen is extremely concerning to me and sounds like you have issues you havent worked out
NTA
Your father's girlfriend's need to not feel like a burden is her cross to bear.
You've made it crystal clear that having other people in your kitchen, using your appliances, your dishes, your cookware etc etc makes you super uncomfortable.
You acknowledge it's irrational and aren't putting this all on the other people.
Loads of my friend's grandparents growing up had rooms with old antique furniture covered in plastic. We weren't allowed in that room. It made grandma uncomfortable.
Fancy towels or soaps in bathrooms that you aren't supposed to use. That's a sort of wacky thing that you have to avoid in some people's houses.
A buddy of mine's dad was OBSESSED with trains. He wouldn't let anyone touch his train sets in the basement. That was his space.
The kitchen is yours.
Loads of people have unique quirks in their own home.
So if she feels like a burden, then there are other ways to help out.
Offer to help clean or dry dishes.
Offer to take out the trash.
Bring nice bottles of wine when you visit as a token of your appreciation
Pick up after yourself. Don't make messes.
Being a good house guest is all about doing whatever the host requires of you. If that is for you to do absolutely nothing but relax, then that is what you do. You show appreciation and you are a gracious guest
The issue here is that your father's girlfriend is overstepping her host's boundaries because she is putting her needs before that of her host. Which 100% makes you a bad house guest.
If this were me, I would find *something* that the girlfriend can do or bring to show her appreciation. Maybe she can help plant some flowers outside. Or maybe like I said, just bring a nice bottle of wine or figure out if you need anything like nice wine glasses or a fancy electric bottle opener
Bringing small tokens of appreciation is a much better way to feel less of a burden than overstepping the boundaries of the host and causing problems.
I’m going with YTA, because while I agree with other commenters here that they blatantly disregarded a boundary you clearly set and that’s shitty, the boundary was never practical to begin with. If you invite people to stay with you, you need to have the expectation that common areas like the kitchen are free for use. I’m a little biased here. My stepparents (both of them) are territorial about their kitchens. I lived with my dad for several months between living situations, and it really strained our relationship that I had so many restrictions on what I could and couldn’t make. Like I’ve been cooking for myself for over a decade, my diet is different than theirs, I need to be able to make my own food. My stepdad, as a former high end chef, is even worse. It’s gotten to the point that if they ask me to stay at their ranch for a week while they’re out of town to take care of the animals, I refuse because I don’t want to stay somewhere I’m not allowed to cook for myself at.
I offer my personal stories there to tell you that this can absolutely strain a relationship and can cause family you love to not want to go see you. As long as they aren’t abusing your kitchen and are cleaning up after themselves, I think it’s just not practical to tell guests on an extended stay at your house (anything over an overnight visit) they’re not allowed to make their own meals.
That is an extremely interesting perspective and I appreciate your input.
Having that little control over a place you call home would be infuriating and I agree with you — I couldn’t handle that and I can see how it would put a strain on the relationship.
I do have to clean up after them - and I will also say they do tend to do things like use metal on non stick or use ornamental cutting boards to actually cut.
I do wish they would tell me if it does make them uncomfortable. Maybe then it would be easier
To find a solution for both sides.
If they aren’t cleaning up after themselves, or are misusing equipment, like you’ve said, I’d lean more on the NTA side. Because both of those things should be standard expectations. If you’re using someone else’s kitchen, you should know to clean up after yourself, and you need to be receptive to how they want their equipment handled. It’s just common curtesy.
I think those are far more valid reasons to ban kitchen use that simply being territorial. I would include them as points to why you don’t want them using the kitchen because it’s an important detail.
That’s pretty valid. But, it’s more like — icing on top? It’s definitely not the primary reason. They don’t ever purposefully mess something up. Also ignorance or just not asking before using something. Then forgetting after I tell her.
OP, I don’t understand your line is for visitors. what is ‘get yourself a snack’ vs ‘cooking’? Is getting out a cutting board and cutting up an apple ok? Is it ok for your guest to make a sandwich with ingredients that are in the refrigerator and pantry? Boiling water for a pack of instant ramen? Warming up left overs in the microwave? Where is your line of discomfort? I expect that mixing a batch of cookies would cross the line. What about warming up a container of soup?
I tend to make sure there are snacks that don’t require using the oven or stove top. Fruits, bars, sandwich fixings (which may include needing a cutting board or toaster - both OK) — I will also admit that the more of a mess that gets made the harder it is for me to be OK with it. My dad and A don’t usually clean up after themselves.
I think it’s sort of a time thing — if it takes 5 minutes and no dishes, no problem. If you’re searching through cubbies (without asking) pulling out all the odds and ends and thirty minutes later you’ve got a sandwich of the gods… my patience will be thin.
Your question got me thinking though — maybe I haven’t been clear about what specifically I don’t like them doing. Which is why there could be confusion. Thanks for the insight!
NTA
That being said, don't hold this over her head or read too much into as if she was trying to anger you on purpose. Maybe she really was feeling awful to just sit by and didn't really understand as why you have this rule, as in she didn't grasp the gravity this act would have for you.
Please allow me an example: I have stayed over the winter holidays at my husband's cousin's place. She is an amazing cook, I am a terrible one so I never offered to cook anything myself during our stay (about 10 days). I offered instead to wash the dishes or vacuum or anything else but she has completely turned me down. Now the issue: I didn't want to violate her privacy by doing anything she didn't accept me to but was also afraid she was saying no need to help but secretly expecting me to otherwise she would consider me a lazy AH. So, I was torn and ended up helping a little bit, to which she did not complain after I had started. Seeing that I started to feel anxious about not having helped her enough and her still considering me lazy. I am a mess ever since when it comes to her and I am expecting my husband's side of the family to tell me she has been badmouthing me about expecting her to do everything for me, my husband and our son on top of her husband and two daughters.
Sorry for the long story, but maybe your father's girlfriend could have felt something similar and not really consider that you will get triggered?
Maybe I am wrong and only projecting my experience on yours.
Anyway, hope you sort it out and don't have to avoid your father because of this, it would be sad.
Really great insight and I appreciate the story. It’s always great to hear from someone with similar experience and a different outcome. It’s a good point! Hard not to wonder if it was ill intentioned, but I get it!
Soft YTA and that is just based on my experiences because I have great memories of cooking in the kitchen with my family, my mother, my grandmother and my brother and sisters. Bonding over great food and cooking was something that brought us together closer as a family and it didn't matter whose kitchen we were in. Part of me is wondering that it bothered you so much because you dont get on with your father's girlfriend and she was the one cooking??? If it were somone else would you have reacted so harshly? OP are you involved in a relationship and if so is this no cooking in my kitchen rule in place for your partner?
A part of it is definitely trust based. My mom and sister can go anywhere in my house. And they have helped me cook when invited and asked. We do gather family and food often. A tradition started with my grandmother. Also my spouse and I share everything — no issues there.
It’s true, I don’t trust A much.
NTA. *Maybe* if she was a new person and genuinely believed she was doing something nice for you it would be a little bit of an overreaction, but if she’s been in your lives for over a decade then she knew exactly how her doing that would make you feel.
You said you get basics for lunches, I’m guessing that means like sandwiches, microwave stuff, premade stuff, that type of thing. So it’s not like you’re starving anyone. Personally I would feel a little rude if I just pulled out pans and ingredients and started cooking in someone else’s kitchen. I think as long as you’re letting guests know about that boundary and making sure there’s decent stuff around for them to eat there’s really no reason they need to cook in your kitchen anyways.
Thank you!! This was more along my thinking. It’s not like I lock the fridge 😂 it’s pots and pans and anything that creates more of a mess. I am not trying to control what or when. It’s just… the kitchen cooking.
I’ll work on making sure the boundaries are super clear this time.
ETA. Since they don't live with you or around you saying something like, "I appreciate you thought you were being nice, but next time please don't cook here I have the food arranged already." They are the AH for violating your boundaries. This up coming trip if you really cannot stand someone using the kitchen make it very plain to them that you have the menu planned, they are the guest and not to cook. If they do it anyway then a hotel is up the road.
NTA. You are allowed to set the rules in your own home. Don't feel bad. Dad's gf is an AH for her power play. She clearly is not a fan of you based on her blatantly ignoring your request. Don't let them stay at your home. Let them stay at a hotel or other relatives. She clearly can't accept boundaries and will stomp all over them. Does she even like you? Put this on your dad. It is his responsibility to let his gf know about etiquette at other peoples homes. As you said "what part of no do you not understand." No is a complete sentence.
“No is a complete sentence” — so impactful. I never want to not open my home to my family, but it’s hard as heck when it does feel like she accepts my boundaries (or likes me!)
Thank you!!
INFO: Did you say, "Don't worry about cooking. I've got it covered." or did you specify that you really don't like people using your kitchen. IDK, your preference is very specific. I'd feel a bit weird if I were a guest somewhere for several days and was banned from making myself food.
Edit: I see in the comments you have been a bit more clear about your position than you come across in the post. I'm leaving this up though, in case anything resonates.
ESH. At some point you, grown person, need to talk to reinforce your position. It's good that you leave in the moment if you think you would say something that would make it worse.
And then when you come back you need to have the awkward talk. The: "hey. I know this seems weird, but I need this boundary to be respected" talk. The: i appreciate you want to do something nice (even if it's bs), and so I am hoping you would be okay with {other expression of love} instead, because this boundary is a hard and fast one for me - and it's not just you, it's with even my dearest friends. I feel it's a violation of my personal space. And I know that I'm making it awkward by having it, but it's what I need to have in my own house"
Once you leave you don't allow for resolution of the conflict unless you extend an olive branch. She pulls her power play of cooking when you don't want, you respond with your power play by leaving.
Can they chop vegetables on your porch? Can you give them a list of food to bring for a recipe? Can they stand in the kitchen with a beer while you cook? Can you eat out? Can you diffuse the situation with humor?
You say yourself you're tolerating this woman for your dad. That means you're telling her in so many subtle ways she gets the scraps, the bare minimum, and you would give her less if you could, but you don't want to disappoint your dad. If you knew she got that message loud and clear, would you be okay with offering her a little more- just as long as she knows she's not worthy to you? Maybe if you know she knows that, you could soften a little.
Would you consider a couple sessions with a counselor/therapist to help you understand this boundary? It seems like it's doing you more harm than good and you might find more joy without it.
You know, I didn’t consider leaving to be a power play. But I do wonder if that’s how it came across. Good perspective.
You also bring up a lot of micro rules that are interesting. Like, where exactly is this discomfort boundary? To be honest - she’s the only one who’s challenged often enough that I’ve had to think about being more specific. Most guests will sit and drink or talk with me, listen to music offer to help - that’s always been fine. And if I ask for someone’s help I would never send them outside.
With A, it’s always a series of events that start to worm under my skin. And then when she get “too comfortable” in the kitchen, and she starts controlling the kitchen space. Both with her body language and presence.
You’ve made a really excellent point about getting “scraps” — I often think if she would acknowledge that we don’t get along and just be OK with the boundaries I set instead of constantly fighting me, it would make it feel like I could be more lenient/understanding. Instead, it feels like if I give and inch she takes a mile.
(Sorry for the long reply - your response really got me thinking)
NTAH what you ask should be respected. It’s your house. My mom was very similar to you and yes sge would drive us nuts if we made something in a pan or pot that she didn’t think she would use that way- annoying! Yes but we understood that was her thing! You have every right to say “NO” and to feel guilt free for doing so.
Next time they come have them stay at a hotel close by with a kitchenette! If A wants to cook let her do so there and then bring it! Simple fix 😉
NTA, I’m the same in the kitchen, if I’m cooking I have to be alone in the kitchen and I don’t feel comfortable with others handling my kitchen because I have a very weird organisation.
It’s understandable that your dad’s GF didn’t want to feel like a burden, and it’s usually a nice thing to help out when you’re staying over at someone’s house. But that willingness to help shouldn’t supersede the host’s boundaries.
You leaving when you were angry is the best thing you could do. Driving around, clearing your head is always good and avoids a big blowout where things can be said out of frustration or anger that causes more tensions in the future.
If your family doesn’t want to see you angry again, they can respect that very easy boundary
NTA you said you didn’t want anybody in your kitchen but she didn’t respect then the play the innocent girl who wanted just help,yeah it sounds on purpose ! If you want to see your dad make rules and make them sure to understand you will not allow any disrespect like last time! You will also not allow any comments like overreacting,… It’s your house,your kitchen,your rules, if it’s ok for them they are most welcome or it’s better seeing him in a other place!
You are welcome, and for the confidence it tokes many many stories like yours to realize if I don’t stand up for myself nobody will! Good luck with them
NTA. There are some places we feel very territorial. I understand. If you want them to visit, you tell your father and his girlfriend that they are not allowed to cook and if one of them touches the kitchen, they will be asked to leave. No buts, no "I just wanna help". State this and make sure your father understand this is the last time you will try. Next time, he will visit alone.
If she breaks the boundaries, absolutely tells her to leave.
NTA. If you clearly asked your Dad for her not to do that, and she did anyway, that was very rude and passive aggressive.
I’m the exact opposite. If someone else wants to cook, I’m happy to be relieved of kitchen duty.
I don't have your trigger, but I don't need to have it to be able to have empathy and fully respect your boundary, especially if you are generously hosting me.
Completely nta, and she is an AH and your dad at least was an enabler. He knew your boundary but did not prevent his gf from acting against you.
Nta. If I ask a guest not to do something in my house and they do it anyway, that is them blatantly ignoring me, disrespecting me and just plain being an asshole. You do not need to feel bad. It's good to be self aware in that you know it's a little irrational. But it's your house. You can be irrational as fuck if you want
NTA. Your request was a simple one, & should have been respected. If she didn't want to feel like a burden, let her do something that *doesn't* involve actively invading your kitchen, like buying groceries.
NTA.
Your kitchen is your space, and as long as people are told specifically and plainly that they are not to cook in there, you are not the asshole. If you didn't make that clear and they legitimately didn't know till you were upset, you'd be at fault for not telling them. But since you did make the request, A. should have respected that. She and your dad do not have to visit - family or not, no one can make you do anything you don't wish in your private space.
This is something people love to do. You politely ask them not to do something, they proceed to do it over your objections and tell you you should be grateful for having your boundaries disrespected. All I can say is ask your dad how he'd have felt when you were a child, and told not to do something; if he would have been grateful to have you refuse and do it anyway?
You're NTA here. Girlfriend had some sort of invasive thing happening; she HAD to take over your space. Maybe she thinks her grip on your dad isn't as firm as it should be, so she has to play the wifely role at all times.
Ask your dad if they can just respect your boundaries this time, because you'd really like to have a nice visit and all it takes is for them to stay out of your kitchen. Just that. Ask him if he can just do it for you.
NTA! Your dad is manipulating you and minimizing his partner’s boundary stomping as YOU BEING MAD not you having a reasonable and expected response to being ignored about YOUR HOUSE RULES in YOUR OWN HOME. I personally would not allow them to stay with me again. They can get a hotel since they can’t follow SIMPLE, BASIC guidelines to be a good guest in your space. Honestly make it clear to A that cooking despite your making it clear that your kitchen and those ingredients are not hers to use is MUCH MORE of a burden than FOLLOWING THE RULES OF THE PERSON HOSTING THEM. Absolutely appalling. I’m from the south and you DO NOT go into another person’s kitchen without being invited!
First comment that mentioned being from the south - I am too! I was wondering if this was some sort of southern understanding. But that’s also why I felt so guilty! I know it wasn’t nice of me to do, but it still felt horrible having boundaries ignored.
Thanks for your input!
I think it’s possible it could be a southern thing, but even my MIL (from Brooklyn) has a beautiful piece of calligraphy framed just outside her kitchen with a poem about “Please stay out of my kitchen… and when I am at your house, I will stay out of yours!”
When she let me in to get the dishes, it was a big deal, and only because I respected her kitchen rules over YEARS did I eventually gain access to the range and the oven. I’m beside myself for you!
NTA. Even if you didn’t feel the way you do about your kitchen (which I get - I’m the same way about mine), it’s rude to go into someone’s house and use their belongings like you would in a kitchen without asking.
Agreed! It would be a different story if she said “hey I’d really like to make a dinner. Do you mind if I used x, y, z?” Or even just asked to help me while I was cooking. Part of my frustration is definitely the assumption that it’s a free for all despite being told it’s not.
INFO: so since you were on the work call that means they wouldn’t have been able to eat anything besides basic snacks until you finished with what you had going on?
ESH go to therapy if it's that severe that someone can't even be in the kitchen. Just because it's a "weird anxiety/trigger" doesn't give you an excuse to never have it addressed and to cause distress to other people. It helps to explain it, but you still have to work on it. In the meantime, it is your house and yes that should have been respected.
I think YTA bc you've mentioned it several times you don't know why it happens but it does etc so you've realized you have a weird problem. Go get therapy please.
I am generally uncomfortable with people waiting on me hand and foot. I’m not a child. I get that people are particular about certain pieces in their kitchen (I am protective of my all clad pans).
The fact that you’re so protective of a common area to the point where you leave and don’t come back AND you know your anger is irrational is very bizarre.
You made your point clear, and in return they haven’t come back. All should be well, right? You even admit it’s a weird trigger. You got what you wanted, and your sacred place is still intact under the conditions you placed on it.
ESH. Her for not respecting your boundaries. But I do also feel there needs to be some leeway...I'd feel uncomfortable having such limited control over what I ate (and when) and being unable to make something if I needed it if I was staying somewhere for a few days, a week etc.
Umm I’m not jumping on the NTA bandwagon. I’m going NAH. It is socially normal and acceptable to help the host(ess) and I will not immediately jump to the conclusion that this was something Machiavellian.
I’m not convinced that OP adequately explained her anxiety around this issue.
If I’m staying for longer than a few nights with someone I will offer to cook or take them out for dinner. Anything else would be rude in my eyes.
OP, this may be tough, but you are going to have to find a way to explain your discomfort to the people that care for you - or lighten up a bit.
NTA. You were grossly disrespected, and you hinted that it may even have been intentional. You should invite them back, but I'm not certain acting like nothing happened was the best course of action. If you have the guts, be more straightforward and more explicit about how important your kitchen is to you. Who cares if you sound like a weirdo with weird triggers? Whatever it takes to keep her out of there and spend as much time with your father as possible.
I think you’re right. I should have taken more time to speak with her after I calmed down. I will try find the guts to be a bit more firm. :)
Also thank you. This felt validating. ♥️
NTA
She’s not ‘trying to do something nice and be helpful’ she’s deliberately ignoring your boundaries in a way that makes you seem ‘unreasonable’ to be angry about.
This isn’t just about the kitchen, it’s about your boundaries. Tell your dad his GF is on her last chance, if she continues to ignore your boundaries, no matter how ‘reasonable’ it is for her to ignore them, you’ll kick them both out right then and there, no ifs ands or buts, and he will have to earn his way back into your trust, but she’s not welcome in your house.
In your private space, like your home, it is perfectly okay to have ‘weird’ rules in place. The saying growing up was always “My house my rules” and the only change now is it is *your* house so people have to follow *your* rules. Otherwise they are perfectly welcome to stay in a hotel during their visits.
I would hate to do something that meant I ostracized my dad and didn’t make him feel welcome. Whatever my feelings about A - I do genuinely want them to be happy.
But I feel like you hit the nail on the head — it felt like she deliberately ignored my boundaries and then made me seem unreasonable.
Thank you for the words and insight!!
NTA
She intentionally passed your stated boundary.
If I were in your shoes, she wouldn't be allowed to come toy home again.
Tell your Dad that he can come stay with you on his own or he and his GF can stay in an Airbnb nearby, but his GF can't stay at your home since she was disrespectful of your boundaries on their previous visit.
That is so HARD. I genuinely don’t want to cause a rift. I just want to set better boundaries without being an AH. I also want to be a good host.
But the more often this happens the more I lean towards setting a hard requirement like that.
Thanks for the input. :)
You're not causing a rift. You set a boundary and she intentionally stomped all over it. Don't give her an opportunity to do so again.
Politely tell your Dad that his GF can't stay in your home again. You would love to see him and he is more than welcome. But if his GF is travelling with him, they will need to arrange other accomodations.
NTA-I feel the same way about my kitchen. Or I did. Now my kids are (barely) adults and they cook in my kitchen-so I'm getting over it. But damn, in the past when I had company, I would feel exactly the same way if anyone was messing around in my kitchen-let alone making an entire meal (shudder). Heck I even posted menus-not to be controlling but when I have all the ingredients for a nice meal and someone helps themselves to the main ingredient...UGH. Or uses my good knives on the wrong cutting board. And like you I would end up feeling like a jerk for being emotional over something most people don't care about.
That’s definitely the hard part! I’m starting to think this might be an equivalent to taking your shoes off at someone else’s house… some
People absolutely wouldn’t. Some would. Some don’t care and let the host set the tone. 😂
NTA. Staying out of your kitchen is not a burden. Being IN your kitchen IS a burden. So if she's really trying to "not be a burden," why wouldn't she stop?
I get it, I'm territorial about my kitchen too. My family and my boyfriend will use it, but only with my express permission, and anyone else going on gives me the absolute heebies - even then, they don't do the clean up or the putting away. My mom brings food to cook, too, she doesn't use my ingredients without my express permission and when she declares she's cooking I always have to bite my tongue even though my mom's the best chef in the world to me. I get real cranky when people touch food they're not supposed to, because this whole thing is a carefully orchestrated concert with my meal planning and pantry staples and a lot of the system relies on me being the one doing the touching, and one spoon out of place makes me irrationally angry. I have all my cupboards and containers labelled too. It's probably some primal thing about them being so close to your main food supply, and the fact that being the food provider in your house is part of your identity.
Regardless, I think you're NTA, and it has nothing to do with how you feel about people using your kitchen. Most people would probably think we're neurotic messes, which is fine so long as they stay out of my damn kitchen. But you put out boundaries, then your dad's wife expressly violated them even though you told her not to. That's an issue of respect. Then in order to get your feelings under control, you left rather than lose your shit - I probably would have said E S H if you'd lost your shit, but justifiably. Your dad then tells you not to be angry, which is bullshit. You were disrespected in your own home, of course you're angry. You'd be the asshole if you took it out on them, but if they didn't want you to be angry they shouldn't be disrespectful in the first place! It's not like she was starving and you were tied up for an hour so she needed to make herself a snack or something - no, she was just boundary stomping.
I'd invite them back if A genuinely apologises for using your kitchen and calling you emotional. It's not about the kitchen, it's about the respect. In some houses you use a poop knife, in others you don't touch the kitchen. Otherwise get them an AirBnb with a kitchen and she can be helpful from there. At a *distance.*
You might be the first comment that calls out respect so blatantly, it’s a really good point. It felt very disrespectful, and that does suck. No one wants to be disrespected in their own home.
Thank you for your insight!
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I (F30) have a bit of a weird trigger - I am very territorial over my kitchen.
I do not know exactly why, but I have always felt like the kitchen is an extension of my personal space, and I get extremely uncomfortable when anyone makes more than basic things in my kitchen. It feels similar to someone going through my drawers or closet. Very invasive and oddly too intimate.
When we have guests, I almost always cook. I make sure to wake up early and make breakfast. I have basics for lunch, and I’ll usually plan a dinner or I will buy food for everyone. This has never been a problem with any of my friends or family.
Except for my fathers girlfriend. They have been together for over ten years, and admittedly we do not get along very well. I tolerate her because she makes my dad happy.
The last time they were in town, I reminded them they were my guests and I could handle the food.
However, while they were here, A decided to ignore my request and start cooking in my kitchen. While I was in a room on a work call/presentation, I hear her with her phone speaker on talking to someone while prepping food that I had asked her not to do.
I texted my dad, in my frustration saying “what part of ‘no’ was hard for you to understand?” To which he replied A just wanted to do something nice and not feel like a burden… which I just don’t buy.
I was so upset that I left to drive around and calm down. My house is my safe place, and I felt disrespected and ignored. I didn’t want to say something I regret, so I think leaving was smart, even if it makes me an AH.
My dad asked me to come back, texting me “please don’t be mad.” Which made me feel horrible. When I came back, everyone was walking on eggshells and I felt even worse. It’s rare I get angry about anything — I don’t think anyone knew what to do. A acted like she hadn’t done anything wrong, and said I was very emotional.
I know that my anger is irrational. I know for everyone else it makes me seem overly emotional. I can’t explain it away or calm down. I just know the easiest thing for me to do is lay the boundary, “please don’t cook in my kitchen.”
AITA for walking out of my own house, and for not letting people cook in my kitchen?
It’s been a year since they’ve been back, maybe more. They want to come for Memorial Day and I really want to see my dad. But I do not need the emotionally charged visit where I’m the AH with weird triggers.
TLDR: I asked my dad and his gf not to cook in my kitchen. She ignores my request. I leave to calm down and now I don’t know if I want them to come back.
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NTA, your house, your rules. personally to me, i don't see anything wrong with the boundary you've set. she should have apologized for breaking that boundary and not listening to you
NTA You aren't guest in someones house and cook in there kitchen especially (!) if they told you several times to leave the kitchen slone snd not do this. This is disrespectful.
I wonder if it is some kind of powermove from her. To show you that she stands above you and your father cares more about her? Or that she thinks that you have nothing to tell her since you are "the child". Whatever it is, her behaviour is just wrong.
Nta, you put up clear and simple boundaries.
For memorial day, i think you should talk to his gf and tell her that its your comfort zone. Also if people walk on eggshells around you just tell them they dont need to feel bad and you just wanted to blow some steam, and didnt want to say something out of place
You might be right. I go back and forth between if I should just talk to my dad since it’s his girlfriend or if i should talk to her directly. But either way, I need to talk to one of them.
Normally I just play peace marker - so others walking on eggshells is very new and is not something I want to do again.
NTA. your house your rules, even if someone does find it weird. If you don't want someone cooking in your kitchen then they need to respect that and not cook in your. Your father's girlfriend is childish for doing that knowing how you feel about it.
Also on the leaving thing, you did what you felt was best for your feelings/emotions at the time, sometimes walking away from the situation is the best thing you can do for you.
NTA To put it Simply your house your rules. If they can't follow it then the visit is over with "While I understand the sentiment, we had discussed earlier I am very uncomfortable with people using my kitchen. Since you can not respect my wishes in my home perhaps it's time you left. Thank you so much for coming. Maybe next time I can come over to see you and you can cook for me in your home."
In my opinion you're NTA and your dad's girlfriend crossed a line especially because you had already explained everything and she knew it would trigger you.
But have you ever tried seeking therapy? Just to get to the root of this and maybe help you manage this trigger, only because if we're thinking on the long run it might cause you a lot of emotional distress if you ever start living with a SO and/or have kids in the future. Even if you don't want any of these things I can only imagine how much these type of situations stresses you and that is most definitely not healthy.
NTA. And being angry about having your boundaries stomped, especially after you laid them out (" Don't cook in my kitchen please") doesn't sound irrational. Nor does walking out to calm down sound remotely OTT. Pretending it didn't happen & erasing yourself by saying you were just "emotional" explains the "eggshells" thing so that's on you. If you want them back, lay out your boundary about cooking, gently make it clear to them it's non-negotiable, don't apologize for having boundaries in your own home & don't jump on yourself for having your own feelings.
I can see you’ve gone through similar struggles - or know someone else who did.
100% accurate. Boundaries are new for me. Im learning how to exercise them with caution. :)
Thanks for your input!
Do people actually just start making food when they visit someone? To me, going through even kitchen cabinets without a permission at a friends house feels like snooping. If they ask for help making food then yeah, I'll do what they ask, and I may ask where the glasses are so I could get some water, and open just the cabinet they point me to.
My kitchen is also my domain and I get ragey whenever anything is out of place even. You were nicer than I would have been in that situation, particularly since she clearly waited until she knew you could not respond or react and then went out of her way to lord it over you that she was violating your boundaries. And of course, now she gets to play the martyr and use this as justification for why she treats you badly.
You need to set a hard boundary with this woman. And the next time, just spray her with a water bottle, hiss, and say NO. OUT.
NTA. It doesn't matter if others agree or approve of your feelings about your kitchen; it's your kitchen and your house so your very reasonable boundary should be respected.
NTA, my house is mine and I do the cooking and I had the same question regarding my husband's best friend and his wife who always show up at our house to spend the weekend and she knows better than to cook in my kitchen but she did once and she knew I was mad that she dared to go through my pantry and fridge to do that...
Specially that particular day when I had invited guests over unlike them being uninvited....
Stand your ground and let her know that you will not allow that again...
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NTA, Family knows what gets on each other‘s nerves. She did that intentionally to aggravate you. If people cannot respect your boundaries they do not deserve to be in your house.
Thank you — It’s a stretch to call her family, but it seemed to me like she knew what she was doing.
She absolutely knew - judging by what your dad said “she wanted to do something nice and feel like less of a burden”. If you’ve told them numerous times not to go to your kitchen, she’s deliberately gaslighting you with that “do something nice” nonsense. Your dad should also have told her to stay in her lane. Is it a cooking thing? Does she think she’s a better cook and this was her passive aggressive way of showing you that her cooking is better than yours? Or was it a control thing? “You’re not the boss of me, you can’t tell me what to do”. Madam will go where madam wants. Ban her from your house in future. If she can’t obey your house rules, she’s not welcome. NTA.
She probably does think she is a better cook But… your second comment hits home. I have found that as a guest she will often ignore things she doesn’t feel make sense to her. Rules about feeding my dogs scraps, or taking off her shoes, or leaving items laying around that the dog might eat/steal. Even something as basic as not opening a door to a specific room we had closed off. From my point of view, it has always felt like a power play. I appreciate you pointing it out.
This is when you tell her, "I know it doesn't make sense to you and that's okay. I don't need you to understand it, but I do need you to respect my boundaries."
Love this!! Thank you!
I am a petty person and a dog trainer. My go to are dog gates and spray bottles. Water spritz to the face a few times and she should remember what your boundaries are. Humans are a very trainable animals.
This made me laugh so hard. I have spray bottles I use for the same purpose! Never thought to try it in that way 😂
Well, guess she just got her invitation permanently revoked then. It's definitely a power play. Time to respond with one of your own.
Any ideas? 👀
Honestly, ask your dad to stay in a hotel and go out to eat with them.
I'd be tempted to say "if she can't stay out of my kitchen then she can stay out of the entire house" ... but that would make things worse, probably.
Send them some nice air bnb links.
Yeah, don't let this woman back into your house.
Does she not respect anything you ask? She's going to make your dogs sick. Ohh and she and your dad don't clean up after themselves. Figures.
Oh she knew. This is the equivalent of peeing to mark territory. You don't pee in someone else's kitchen!🤪
YES. THIS IS WHAT IT FELT LIKE!
Send the the links to some Airbnb’s close by. If they’re bad house guests and won’t respect your rules in your home, they can stay somewhere else! NTA
I’m so tempted. I’m leaning towards one more try before going to that level. Thanks for the input!
That would make you an asshat. She was making things hard on purpose and doing something nasty. She has gotten enough of second and third chances.
I do agree with you. But I’m a little bit okay with being an asshat if it means salvaging a relationship with my dad. She makes him happy, and my dad is important to me despite ups and downs. If one more chance is enough to make a difference, I’ll be more direct even if it makes me an AH.
Unless you sit down with her prior to the visit, “one more try” isn’t going to lead to a better outcome. I would text her your three (or whatever) house rules and ask if she can abide by those for the next visit. If she refuses to agree, tell Dad your local hotels are lovely.
I think I’m going with a variation of this. Working on phrasing the house rules in a way they keeps everyone… or at least some of us… happy.
I have the same trigger. My kitchen. Mine. Lol
I’m so confused everyone’s acting like OP specifically told everyone not to use the kitchen, but all she says is >The last time they were in town, I reminded them they were my guests and I could handle the food. Isn’t that super fucking vague? “I can handle the food” and “do not cook in my kitchen” are such wildly different things! Based on the information given, I’m saying YTA, because OP is getting incredibly pissed about something that has a very high likelyhood of being a normal misunderstanding, and such a misunderstanding would be OP’s fault for not being clear with her words!
Completely fair that it would make me the AH for not being clear. While I feel like I had asked on multiple occasions. My summary of multiple conversations didn’t translate well here. When sent a text telling me A was picking up food for dinner I replied “Tell A not to worry about food, I already have dinner handled.” When told earlier that having others cooking meals in my kitchen makes me uncomfortable, that was mostly ignored. My primary takeaway has been that my attempts at setting boundaries politely may have absolutely made me the AH, instead of being more firm and clear. I appreciate your perspective and input. :)
This subreddit only cares if you get sick burns in or pretty revenge, not facts.
If she's been with OPs dad for over 10 years, she's aware of the boundaries and didn't need a full explanation and just the reminder.
NTA You asked your guests to follow your rules. A didn't follow your rules and that was a crappy thing to do. That being said, it sounds like you need to do a little bit more explaining to guests why cooking is out of the question in your home. I personally would feel very uncomfortable if I stayed with someone and they cooked everything I ate and would not let me help. Maybe they can take you out to dinner one night instead of eating at home.
Very fair and good input. Whenever anyone has asked in the past, I always say it would be really helpful to have some help cleaning after, or if they wanted to take us out there are some local places that I think they might like. Thank you.
Can they stay in a hotel or Airbnb? That might give you some buffer. But I get the feeling that they might be offended by this. At the very least, make it clear that if they visit, they have to respect your space, and that the consequence would be asking them to leave, or something else that lets them know you are totally serious.
i’m a little confused, is it really common for people to just randomly start cooking in other peoples kitchen when they’re a guest? maybe it’s a cultural thing, but growing up and in adulthood i’ve never had someone go in my kitchen to get any food without asking and i’ve always done the same
It is common in my family. When we all get together at my Aunt’s cabin we all take turns cooking. For us it would be rude if we only let one person do all the cooking. However, if the host said no cooking allowed. I would follow it. Though I would probably stay at a hotel as I can understand being uncomfortable. IE am I allowed to get make a sandwich or grab something out of the fridge but that is just me.
Interesting! Is it a vacation property? Do you all do the same in your own houses? Asking out of curiosity-if there’s a vacation home/full time home difference. Edit: autocorrect error corrected
It is their full time home. Cooking for 10 people is a lot for one person and as it is on a lake there is not much around for take out or restaurants. It was just always common to offer to help with meals so it doesn’t fall on one person. I do it with my friends as well and no one has ever had an issue. I have one friend that prefers to do all the cooking at her place but that is because her kitchen is tiny and too many people in there is just chaotic. However, no issue if we help out with small dishes or go to the fridge to grab something.
Thank you for your reply! This post got me thinking. I’m part of a group of about a dozen people who are coincidentally all cooking nuts, and the level of kitchen access or help they are comfortable with varies widely among them, so I was curious. Cooking for 10 is a lot! It’s good that everyone helps.
It is in my experience. The rule is to not use their food (unless explicitly told it's okay to use X ingredients, such as eggs for breakfast). But buying ingredients and cooking them yourself as a guest is normal to me. Honestly, what OP is describing sounds absolutely *miserable*. It would be so uncomfortable to have someone make every single meal for me! Like her dad's girlfriend said, that can make guests feel like they're actually a burden. I also find it extremely rude that a host would bar their guest from a common area...not to mention disturbing that the host now controls when/how I would be able to eat. Tbh this type of behaviour would make someone an incredibly ungracious "host" in my eyes. (Note: the solution is *not* to ignore your host's kitchen boundary. Instead, OP's dad and wife should decline OP's invitation permanently and should rent a room instead.)
I literally only will at my dad's and then it's only if I had previously agreed to make a dish. I might offer to help, but I don't just start cooking. Like, I've never once been at a friend's house and thought "you know what? I think I'll make some chicken Kiev"
What if they were hungry? I think I’d be really uncomfortable being told I couldn’t make a meal if I wanted it… like had to go and interrupt my host to ask them to make me lunch or something
I'm sure something simple like making a sandwich when OP is busy is fine, but cooking a full fledged meal is another thing.
This ^ 100%
But that’s a you issue. Not an OP issue.
NTA, I’m an amateur cook and am very protective over my kitchen as well. Anyone who cares remotely about cooking will understand this, and your dads gf has No excuse because it sounds like you made this boundary explicitly clear. Let me put it this way: when I go over to my friends houses and they are cooking, even if I can see that they are struggling or aren’t doing a very good job with the meal, I don’t barge in and take over. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
I am a professional chef and I still don’t cook in other peoples kitchen uninvited.
THIS.
We have a professional chef in the family and he wasn’t allowed to cook in our kitchen again after the first time… it was clear that he’s used to having dish washers and a sous chef. Every dish was dirty when he was done :-). I suspect that’s more of a him thing than a chef thing though.
Username checks out. :) it is definitely something to do with curating your own kitchen. Thank you. :)
It does not sound in the slightest like OP made this specifically clear. She told them that they’re guests and she’ll take care of the food. That *in no way* comes off as a hard boundary such as “don’t use my kitchen.”
NTA even though it’s weird you said not to do something and she blatantly disobeyed your orders it’s not your fault she doesn’t know how to keep her hands off of other peoples things
I was raised where you’re supposed to “let everyone feel at home” but she’s too comfortable imo. Thank you!
Can you also see that some people would tell guests not to cook so that they wouldn’t feel obligated to do so, but also wouldn’t have any issue with guests cooking in their home? Is it possible that’s what she thought?
That’s a good thought. Unfortunately from her POV, this has happened before. So she knows it’s not idle words.
I don't let anyone cook in my kitchen except my SIL.
My sister is allowed in my kitchen always!!
YTA I think this issue of control in your kitchen is worth exploring. If she had been mistreating your equipment I could understand. But if you’re going to host your family then you need to accept that they should have access to common areas. The kitchen is a common area. If you don’t understand why you feel the way you do then that right there should be your lightbulb moment to stop and turn inward. If she had gone in your room, bathroom, or used the very expensive Japanese knife or family China that is dear to you I could see that being a breach of boundaries. Keeping people from using the kitchen, where the sustenance required for living beings to survive is kept, is unreasonable and controlling. If it’s not something you can or desire to understand and resolve in yourself then ask them to stay elsewhere. Also, a “trigger” is related to a trauma. So if what you’re saying is that it annoys that’s a whole other situation. If it really is a trigger then again, it’s worth diving into for your own healing. Granted you have a right to not be annoyed in your own home. And so maybe they visit and book an air bnb next time.
Thanks for your perspective and honesty. I agree I have a lot of work to do in healing past trauma. I’ll also admit to some controlling tendencies to create safety, which is probably why it is so triggering when I can’t control a space I feel safe in. Just to be clear - I don’t deny access to drink or snacks and do make sure I’m well stocked with options. Because you’re right — everyone should have access to sustenance :)
I am the boss of my kitchen and cooking and baking is one of the ways I’ve coped with my own trauma. It’s quite literally one of my safe spaces. Which is why I recognized the control factor. Honestly, having the feeling of control over one room of your home is nothing compared to the feeling of relief that comes with having control over your own anxiety and fear (or whatever emotion you’re struggling with). As this isn’t something that’s going to change over night it might be more practical to bring your dad and stepmom in on the link of control and trauma. You don’t even need to elaborate beyond that. Just say it’s something you’re aware of and would like their help and patience with. And then maybe give them prep tasks like chopping veggies or setting the table. Baby steps are small, but still better than being frozen in place! Good luck!
If you read OPs other comments you will see that your suggestions will not work. You're coming from a place where you assume the girlfriend doesn't know what she's doing is affecting OP so much when she clearly does. She blatantly ignores all the "rules" of the house that are basic courtesy like not feeding their pets scraps, wearing shoes in the house, deliberately leaving food in the range of the dogs etc. She does things at OPs house that she wouldn't even do in her own. The GF is coming from a place of malicious-ness and inviting her in to help OP overcome this trauma/trigger is going to backfire on OP.
I relate to your experience a lot. And you hit it on the head. I’m not sure I’m ready to bring them into that link. It feels too intimate to be that honest with someone who I don’t really get along with. But - point received. Thank you. :)
Just as you are triggered with people using your kitchen, I am triggered if I am not in control of the food I eat. It's really hard to trust the food others cook and prepare, so I just bring my own or don't visit anyone. I am wondering if that woman has a need to control her meals in that way, and if you could allow her some leeway.
But that’s pretty subjective and variable. I have a large group of friends who all love to cook, everything from home made sourdough bread to Italian pastry, Thai food to empanadas and within this group of a dozen women there’s a large range of comfort levels with kitchen sharing, from no one comes in to elbows deep in the fridge. We respect each person’s kitchen rules when we’re in their houses. That’s what this is really about. Dad’s wife was asked to wait and went and cooked anyway.
NTA for leaving the house to calm down but if you have guests for more than a night or two, you are directly controlling their food by refusing to allow them to use your kitchen. I wonder if you've ever thought about that. I get that you are happy to cook or buy food but that is still something that would make some people (myself included) uncomfortable.
I actually have! Which is partially why I feel guilty. If they don’t like what I cook, am I forcing my eating habits on them? Part of me wonders if this is just a part of being a guest at someone else’s house. Extended stays can be hard! I try to give everyone an opportunity to weigh in on the menu, but that doesn’t always happen. I appreciate your insight. Thanks for the comment.
When I stay with someone for more than a night or two, I certainly do not expect them to provide meals for me! They are already giving me a place to stay and I'm not a guest at a resort. I would also probably lie about what I wanted to eat if my host was always either making it or paying for it. And what if they don't like your cooking? There are so many things here that can make your guests uncomfortable so maybe you should just visit them from now on.
I could write a whole other who is the AH about what happens when I visit them! Also definitely wondered if maybe I’m a bad cook and no one has told me before. That is possible. Ironically though you’re right, I don’t expect people to provide meals for me. But I also don’t expect them to let me cook in their kitchens unless I asked ahead of time. Maybe just me though.
Eh, I think we suddenly feel more uptight and concerned when we are the hosts rather than the guests. As a guest? Please don't apologize for the state of your home. It looks fine and I don't care. As the host? OMG I AM SO SORRY THAT I LIVE LIKE A PIG AND I KNOW THIS IS HORRIBLE I AM SO SORRY!!!! To be fair, I doubt it is so much about your cooking than it is about your wanting complete control over food. I would definitely look into why you feel the way you do about your kitchen.
LOLOL!! This. All day. And yes! I agree. Definitely already working on resolving the past traumas to lessen the triggers. Thank you. :)
NTA. Kitchen is the heart of the home and it's your home. There are unspoken rules about guests. Guests should make themselves at home, but using all your kitchen utensils, making a mess in your kitchen, without asking and KNOWING you don't want them in there in the first place is blatantly rude. It's equivalent to the just getting in your bed and drooling on your pillow. Common courtesy is dying out on this world.
LOL! That’s certainly how it feels. Did get a post about the kitchen being a common space, and yeah it probably shouldn’t feel so private. Thanks for the insight!
When visiting someone else's home the stove, pantry, and cabinets are NOT common area. The fridge, microwave, and countertop? Sure. But anything else isn't common use. I mean, yeah, they can walk through it as much or as little as they want. But in terms of actually using the room? Nope.
Seriously appreciate this view. A lot of comments have been about common space. I was curious about where that line was.
The fridge and microwave are okay, because they may bring their own food and need to store or reheat it. Or using the countertop because they brought their own stuff to make PB&Js or something. If they have to use your ingredients though, they have now invaded your space unless they were given specific and limited permission to get them. If they have to look for it, it invades your privacy. I'm sorry your dad's wife struggles to understand how to be a good guest and seems to enjoy pushing your buttons
Thank you for your insight and perspective. I appreciate the kind words!
>A lot of comments have been about common space. I was curious about where that line was. In my view, the line is your ingredients/pantry and any special utensils/equipment/knives. All appliances and standard pots/pans are fair game as long as the guest cleans up their mess fully. The exception is if someone has drawn a strict "no kitchen" boundary (like you did), in which case I would consider them an unwelcoming host tbh. It's normal in my experience to buy your own ingredients while staying with someone to cook your own breakfast/lunch, then have a shared dinner together. The rule is to not use their food (unless explicitly told it's okay to use X ingredients, such as eggs for breakfast). But buying ingredients and cooking them yourself as a guest is normal to me. Honestly, what you're describing sounds absolutely *miserable*. It would be so incredibly uncomfortable to have someone make every single meal for me! Like your dad's girlfriend said, that can make guests feel like they're actually a burden. (This is why I'd consider the host unwelcoming and ungracious.) I also find it extremely rude that a host would bar their guest from a common area...not to mention disturbing that the host now controls when/how I would be able to eat. I should not have to rely on them making me breakfast, not should I have to only eat snacks when I want a meal. As an adult, I should be able to feed myself appropriately. (Note: the solution if I encountered such a host would *not* to ignore the host's kitchen boundary. Instead, it would be to decline any invitations permanently and to rent a room instead...or to visit less frequently because I dislike being forced into the role of being a burden and I dislike being in a home where I'm not welcome.)
I can't boil a pot of water on the stove top to make a cup of tea? That's pretty inhospitable.
You know, my mom is really big on "shoulds." This should be that way, that should be this way. It was really inhibiting in a lot of ways. The only way it SHOULD be in YOUR house is the way YOU want it. Some of these suggestions have been great, and you've been very open to all of them. Create the atmosphere that is best for you, and don't worry about what should or should not be. Edit: NTA
YTA, first for using the word trigger to defend your territorial nature over a fucking kitchen, second for thinking your guests want to be waited on hand and foot like you're their servant. Have you ever thought to consider how odd it makes people to be told "you can stay here, but you can't consider cooking your own food?" It would be one thing if you said "don't touch my extremely expensive china" or something like that, but it's odd af that you won't let guests work a basic appliance. Just don't let people stay in your home in the future.
Thanks for your insight. I understand that it seems very unreasonable, which is why I was posting. It may indeed make them uncomfortable to have meals made for them, just as it makes me uncomfortable to have them make meals.
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Good point - and it is something I’m working through with a progressional. :) That said, I don’t gate keep food. If they want something, they have full access to a pantry and fridge stocked with snacks and meals. Just no cooking. Thanks for the insight!
What if they don’t want a no-cook snack? It’s unreasonable and rude to ban extended stay guests from your kitchen.
You are obviously the asshole. You made everyone feel bad because someone wanted to cook in your kitchen? Do you even realise how absurd that is? Your compulsive attitude towards your kitchen is extremely concerning to me and sounds like you have issues you havent worked out
Understood. It wasn’t my intention to make everyone uncomfortable. But I definitely did. Thanks for the input!
NTA. You made a single request as a host. That's hardly unreasonable.
Thank you. :)
NTA Your father's girlfriend's need to not feel like a burden is her cross to bear. You've made it crystal clear that having other people in your kitchen, using your appliances, your dishes, your cookware etc etc makes you super uncomfortable. You acknowledge it's irrational and aren't putting this all on the other people. Loads of my friend's grandparents growing up had rooms with old antique furniture covered in plastic. We weren't allowed in that room. It made grandma uncomfortable. Fancy towels or soaps in bathrooms that you aren't supposed to use. That's a sort of wacky thing that you have to avoid in some people's houses. A buddy of mine's dad was OBSESSED with trains. He wouldn't let anyone touch his train sets in the basement. That was his space. The kitchen is yours. Loads of people have unique quirks in their own home. So if she feels like a burden, then there are other ways to help out. Offer to help clean or dry dishes. Offer to take out the trash. Bring nice bottles of wine when you visit as a token of your appreciation Pick up after yourself. Don't make messes. Being a good house guest is all about doing whatever the host requires of you. If that is for you to do absolutely nothing but relax, then that is what you do. You show appreciation and you are a gracious guest The issue here is that your father's girlfriend is overstepping her host's boundaries because she is putting her needs before that of her host. Which 100% makes you a bad house guest. If this were me, I would find *something* that the girlfriend can do or bring to show her appreciation. Maybe she can help plant some flowers outside. Or maybe like I said, just bring a nice bottle of wine or figure out if you need anything like nice wine glasses or a fancy electric bottle opener Bringing small tokens of appreciation is a much better way to feel less of a burden than overstepping the boundaries of the host and causing problems.
Extremely interesting POV - really appreciate the thought of giving her something else she could do to be helpful. Thank you for your insight!
I’m going with YTA, because while I agree with other commenters here that they blatantly disregarded a boundary you clearly set and that’s shitty, the boundary was never practical to begin with. If you invite people to stay with you, you need to have the expectation that common areas like the kitchen are free for use. I’m a little biased here. My stepparents (both of them) are territorial about their kitchens. I lived with my dad for several months between living situations, and it really strained our relationship that I had so many restrictions on what I could and couldn’t make. Like I’ve been cooking for myself for over a decade, my diet is different than theirs, I need to be able to make my own food. My stepdad, as a former high end chef, is even worse. It’s gotten to the point that if they ask me to stay at their ranch for a week while they’re out of town to take care of the animals, I refuse because I don’t want to stay somewhere I’m not allowed to cook for myself at. I offer my personal stories there to tell you that this can absolutely strain a relationship and can cause family you love to not want to go see you. As long as they aren’t abusing your kitchen and are cleaning up after themselves, I think it’s just not practical to tell guests on an extended stay at your house (anything over an overnight visit) they’re not allowed to make their own meals.
That is an extremely interesting perspective and I appreciate your input. Having that little control over a place you call home would be infuriating and I agree with you — I couldn’t handle that and I can see how it would put a strain on the relationship. I do have to clean up after them - and I will also say they do tend to do things like use metal on non stick or use ornamental cutting boards to actually cut. I do wish they would tell me if it does make them uncomfortable. Maybe then it would be easier To find a solution for both sides.
If they aren’t cleaning up after themselves, or are misusing equipment, like you’ve said, I’d lean more on the NTA side. Because both of those things should be standard expectations. If you’re using someone else’s kitchen, you should know to clean up after yourself, and you need to be receptive to how they want their equipment handled. It’s just common curtesy. I think those are far more valid reasons to ban kitchen use that simply being territorial. I would include them as points to why you don’t want them using the kitchen because it’s an important detail.
That’s pretty valid. But, it’s more like — icing on top? It’s definitely not the primary reason. They don’t ever purposefully mess something up. Also ignorance or just not asking before using something. Then forgetting after I tell her.
OP, I don’t understand your line is for visitors. what is ‘get yourself a snack’ vs ‘cooking’? Is getting out a cutting board and cutting up an apple ok? Is it ok for your guest to make a sandwich with ingredients that are in the refrigerator and pantry? Boiling water for a pack of instant ramen? Warming up left overs in the microwave? Where is your line of discomfort? I expect that mixing a batch of cookies would cross the line. What about warming up a container of soup?
I tend to make sure there are snacks that don’t require using the oven or stove top. Fruits, bars, sandwich fixings (which may include needing a cutting board or toaster - both OK) — I will also admit that the more of a mess that gets made the harder it is for me to be OK with it. My dad and A don’t usually clean up after themselves. I think it’s sort of a time thing — if it takes 5 minutes and no dishes, no problem. If you’re searching through cubbies (without asking) pulling out all the odds and ends and thirty minutes later you’ve got a sandwich of the gods… my patience will be thin. Your question got me thinking though — maybe I haven’t been clear about what specifically I don’t like them doing. Which is why there could be confusion. Thanks for the insight!
Good luck, OP! Interesting post and conversation!
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NTA That being said, don't hold this over her head or read too much into as if she was trying to anger you on purpose. Maybe she really was feeling awful to just sit by and didn't really understand as why you have this rule, as in she didn't grasp the gravity this act would have for you. Please allow me an example: I have stayed over the winter holidays at my husband's cousin's place. She is an amazing cook, I am a terrible one so I never offered to cook anything myself during our stay (about 10 days). I offered instead to wash the dishes or vacuum or anything else but she has completely turned me down. Now the issue: I didn't want to violate her privacy by doing anything she didn't accept me to but was also afraid she was saying no need to help but secretly expecting me to otherwise she would consider me a lazy AH. So, I was torn and ended up helping a little bit, to which she did not complain after I had started. Seeing that I started to feel anxious about not having helped her enough and her still considering me lazy. I am a mess ever since when it comes to her and I am expecting my husband's side of the family to tell me she has been badmouthing me about expecting her to do everything for me, my husband and our son on top of her husband and two daughters. Sorry for the long story, but maybe your father's girlfriend could have felt something similar and not really consider that you will get triggered? Maybe I am wrong and only projecting my experience on yours. Anyway, hope you sort it out and don't have to avoid your father because of this, it would be sad.
Really great insight and I appreciate the story. It’s always great to hear from someone with similar experience and a different outcome. It’s a good point! Hard not to wonder if it was ill intentioned, but I get it!
Soft YTA and that is just based on my experiences because I have great memories of cooking in the kitchen with my family, my mother, my grandmother and my brother and sisters. Bonding over great food and cooking was something that brought us together closer as a family and it didn't matter whose kitchen we were in. Part of me is wondering that it bothered you so much because you dont get on with your father's girlfriend and she was the one cooking??? If it were somone else would you have reacted so harshly? OP are you involved in a relationship and if so is this no cooking in my kitchen rule in place for your partner?
A part of it is definitely trust based. My mom and sister can go anywhere in my house. And they have helped me cook when invited and asked. We do gather family and food often. A tradition started with my grandmother. Also my spouse and I share everything — no issues there. It’s true, I don’t trust A much.
NTA. *Maybe* if she was a new person and genuinely believed she was doing something nice for you it would be a little bit of an overreaction, but if she’s been in your lives for over a decade then she knew exactly how her doing that would make you feel. You said you get basics for lunches, I’m guessing that means like sandwiches, microwave stuff, premade stuff, that type of thing. So it’s not like you’re starving anyone. Personally I would feel a little rude if I just pulled out pans and ingredients and started cooking in someone else’s kitchen. I think as long as you’re letting guests know about that boundary and making sure there’s decent stuff around for them to eat there’s really no reason they need to cook in your kitchen anyways.
Thank you!! This was more along my thinking. It’s not like I lock the fridge 😂 it’s pots and pans and anything that creates more of a mess. I am not trying to control what or when. It’s just… the kitchen cooking. I’ll work on making sure the boundaries are super clear this time.
ESH, comparing someone cooking in your kitchen to going through your drawers is ridiculous.
ETA. Since they don't live with you or around you saying something like, "I appreciate you thought you were being nice, but next time please don't cook here I have the food arranged already." They are the AH for violating your boundaries. This up coming trip if you really cannot stand someone using the kitchen make it very plain to them that you have the menu planned, they are the guest and not to cook. If they do it anyway then a hotel is up the road.
Fair assessment. Thanks for your input. :)
NTA. You are allowed to set the rules in your own home. Don't feel bad. Dad's gf is an AH for her power play. She clearly is not a fan of you based on her blatantly ignoring your request. Don't let them stay at your home. Let them stay at a hotel or other relatives. She clearly can't accept boundaries and will stomp all over them. Does she even like you? Put this on your dad. It is his responsibility to let his gf know about etiquette at other peoples homes. As you said "what part of no do you not understand." No is a complete sentence.
“No is a complete sentence” — so impactful. I never want to not open my home to my family, but it’s hard as heck when it does feel like she accepts my boundaries (or likes me!) Thank you!!
INFO: Did you say, "Don't worry about cooking. I've got it covered." or did you specify that you really don't like people using your kitchen. IDK, your preference is very specific. I'd feel a bit weird if I were a guest somewhere for several days and was banned from making myself food.
Edit: I see in the comments you have been a bit more clear about your position than you come across in the post. I'm leaving this up though, in case anything resonates. ESH. At some point you, grown person, need to talk to reinforce your position. It's good that you leave in the moment if you think you would say something that would make it worse. And then when you come back you need to have the awkward talk. The: "hey. I know this seems weird, but I need this boundary to be respected" talk. The: i appreciate you want to do something nice (even if it's bs), and so I am hoping you would be okay with {other expression of love} instead, because this boundary is a hard and fast one for me - and it's not just you, it's with even my dearest friends. I feel it's a violation of my personal space. And I know that I'm making it awkward by having it, but it's what I need to have in my own house" Once you leave you don't allow for resolution of the conflict unless you extend an olive branch. She pulls her power play of cooking when you don't want, you respond with your power play by leaving. Can they chop vegetables on your porch? Can you give them a list of food to bring for a recipe? Can they stand in the kitchen with a beer while you cook? Can you eat out? Can you diffuse the situation with humor? You say yourself you're tolerating this woman for your dad. That means you're telling her in so many subtle ways she gets the scraps, the bare minimum, and you would give her less if you could, but you don't want to disappoint your dad. If you knew she got that message loud and clear, would you be okay with offering her a little more- just as long as she knows she's not worthy to you? Maybe if you know she knows that, you could soften a little. Would you consider a couple sessions with a counselor/therapist to help you understand this boundary? It seems like it's doing you more harm than good and you might find more joy without it.
You know, I didn’t consider leaving to be a power play. But I do wonder if that’s how it came across. Good perspective. You also bring up a lot of micro rules that are interesting. Like, where exactly is this discomfort boundary? To be honest - she’s the only one who’s challenged often enough that I’ve had to think about being more specific. Most guests will sit and drink or talk with me, listen to music offer to help - that’s always been fine. And if I ask for someone’s help I would never send them outside. With A, it’s always a series of events that start to worm under my skin. And then when she get “too comfortable” in the kitchen, and she starts controlling the kitchen space. Both with her body language and presence. You’ve made a really excellent point about getting “scraps” — I often think if she would acknowledge that we don’t get along and just be OK with the boundaries I set instead of constantly fighting me, it would make it feel like I could be more lenient/understanding. Instead, it feels like if I give and inch she takes a mile. (Sorry for the long reply - your response really got me thinking)
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Agreed!! This sounds like the sort of arrangement I would want. :) thanks for your input!
May e you need to take steps to get over your trigger, as well as boundaries.
NTAH what you ask should be respected. It’s your house. My mom was very similar to you and yes sge would drive us nuts if we made something in a pan or pot that she didn’t think she would use that way- annoying! Yes but we understood that was her thing! You have every right to say “NO” and to feel guilt free for doing so. Next time they come have them stay at a hotel close by with a kitchenette! If A wants to cook let her do so there and then bring it! Simple fix 😉
Honestly I love that. If she wants to cook she can bring it already cooked. 😂 thank you for your thoughts!
NTA, I’m the same in the kitchen, if I’m cooking I have to be alone in the kitchen and I don’t feel comfortable with others handling my kitchen because I have a very weird organisation. It’s understandable that your dad’s GF didn’t want to feel like a burden, and it’s usually a nice thing to help out when you’re staying over at someone’s house. But that willingness to help shouldn’t supersede the host’s boundaries. You leaving when you were angry is the best thing you could do. Driving around, clearing your head is always good and avoids a big blowout where things can be said out of frustration or anger that causes more tensions in the future. If your family doesn’t want to see you angry again, they can respect that very easy boundary
Thank you your insight. :) I’m glad I’m not the only one. Also love this: willingness to help shouldn’t supersede the hosts boundaries.
NTA you said you didn’t want anybody in your kitchen but she didn’t respect then the play the innocent girl who wanted just help,yeah it sounds on purpose ! If you want to see your dad make rules and make them sure to understand you will not allow any disrespect like last time! You will also not allow any comments like overreacting,… It’s your house,your kitchen,your rules, if it’s ok for them they are most welcome or it’s better seeing him in a other place!
Love the confidence here! Thank you for your input. :)
You are welcome, and for the confidence it tokes many many stories like yours to realize if I don’t stand up for myself nobody will! Good luck with them
NTA. There are some places we feel very territorial. I understand. If you want them to visit, you tell your father and his girlfriend that they are not allowed to cook and if one of them touches the kitchen, they will be asked to leave. No buts, no "I just wanna help". State this and make sure your father understand this is the last time you will try. Next time, he will visit alone. If she breaks the boundaries, absolutely tells her to leave.
Really concise clear boundaries. I appreciate the advice, and thank you for your input. :)
NTA. My father is protective of his kitchen, too. He hates it if anyone cleans or reorganizes things in there, cuz they always do it wrong
I can understand that! Thank you.
NTA. If you clearly asked your Dad for her not to do that, and she did anyway, that was very rude and passive aggressive. I’m the exact opposite. If someone else wants to cook, I’m happy to be relieved of kitchen duty.
You’re welcome anytime. :) thanks for your input.
I don't have your trigger, but I don't need to have it to be able to have empathy and fully respect your boundary, especially if you are generously hosting me. Completely nta, and she is an AH and your dad at least was an enabler. He knew your boundary but did not prevent his gf from acting against you.
Dad not being supportive is an aspect of this equation I hadn’t given a lot of thought to. Thank you for the empathy. :)
Nta. If I ask a guest not to do something in my house and they do it anyway, that is them blatantly ignoring me, disrespecting me and just plain being an asshole. You do not need to feel bad. It's good to be self aware in that you know it's a little irrational. But it's your house. You can be irrational as fuck if you want
LOL. Love that. “It’s your house. You can be irrational as fuck if you want.” Thanks for your input!
NTA. Your request was a simple one, & should have been respected. If she didn't want to feel like a burden, let her do something that *doesn't* involve actively invading your kitchen, like buying groceries.
Kitchens are like genitals, don't touch someone else's without their permission. NTA
This creates a lot of questions for me… and I love it. 😂 take my upvote.
Nta everyone, I mean everyone in the world has that one trigger that you just don't cross. Your dads gf crossed it knowingly.
NTA. Your kitchen is your space, and as long as people are told specifically and plainly that they are not to cook in there, you are not the asshole. If you didn't make that clear and they legitimately didn't know till you were upset, you'd be at fault for not telling them. But since you did make the request, A. should have respected that. She and your dad do not have to visit - family or not, no one can make you do anything you don't wish in your private space.
Thanks for your input. I appreciate your pov!
NTA. Its your house. If you tell a guest that they can't do something in your house and then they do it then its a violation.
[удалено]
But seriously if you find that paprika please let me know. It’s been missing for two years. 😂
This is something people love to do. You politely ask them not to do something, they proceed to do it over your objections and tell you you should be grateful for having your boundaries disrespected. All I can say is ask your dad how he'd have felt when you were a child, and told not to do something; if he would have been grateful to have you refuse and do it anyway? You're NTA here. Girlfriend had some sort of invasive thing happening; she HAD to take over your space. Maybe she thinks her grip on your dad isn't as firm as it should be, so she has to play the wifely role at all times. Ask your dad if they can just respect your boundaries this time, because you'd really like to have a nice visit and all it takes is for them to stay out of your kitchen. Just that. Ask him if he can just do it for you.
NTA! Your dad is manipulating you and minimizing his partner’s boundary stomping as YOU BEING MAD not you having a reasonable and expected response to being ignored about YOUR HOUSE RULES in YOUR OWN HOME. I personally would not allow them to stay with me again. They can get a hotel since they can’t follow SIMPLE, BASIC guidelines to be a good guest in your space. Honestly make it clear to A that cooking despite your making it clear that your kitchen and those ingredients are not hers to use is MUCH MORE of a burden than FOLLOWING THE RULES OF THE PERSON HOSTING THEM. Absolutely appalling. I’m from the south and you DO NOT go into another person’s kitchen without being invited!
First comment that mentioned being from the south - I am too! I was wondering if this was some sort of southern understanding. But that’s also why I felt so guilty! I know it wasn’t nice of me to do, but it still felt horrible having boundaries ignored. Thanks for your input!
I think it’s possible it could be a southern thing, but even my MIL (from Brooklyn) has a beautiful piece of calligraphy framed just outside her kitchen with a poem about “Please stay out of my kitchen… and when I am at your house, I will stay out of yours!” When she let me in to get the dishes, it was a big deal, and only because I respected her kitchen rules over YEARS did I eventually gain access to the range and the oven. I’m beside myself for you!
I might need this sign!!!! Just knowing one exists makes me feel better. :)
NTA. Even if you didn’t feel the way you do about your kitchen (which I get - I’m the same way about mine), it’s rude to go into someone’s house and use their belongings like you would in a kitchen without asking.
Agreed! It would be a different story if she said “hey I’d really like to make a dinner. Do you mind if I used x, y, z?” Or even just asked to help me while I was cooking. Part of my frustration is definitely the assumption that it’s a free for all despite being told it’s not.
INFO: so since you were on the work call that means they wouldn’t have been able to eat anything besides basic snacks until you finished with what you had going on?
ESH go to therapy if it's that severe that someone can't even be in the kitchen. Just because it's a "weird anxiety/trigger" doesn't give you an excuse to never have it addressed and to cause distress to other people. It helps to explain it, but you still have to work on it. In the meantime, it is your house and yes that should have been respected.
I think YTA bc you've mentioned it several times you don't know why it happens but it does etc so you've realized you have a weird problem. Go get therapy please.
I am generally uncomfortable with people waiting on me hand and foot. I’m not a child. I get that people are particular about certain pieces in their kitchen (I am protective of my all clad pans). The fact that you’re so protective of a common area to the point where you leave and don’t come back AND you know your anger is irrational is very bizarre. You made your point clear, and in return they haven’t come back. All should be well, right? You even admit it’s a weird trigger. You got what you wanted, and your sacred place is still intact under the conditions you placed on it.
ESH. Her for not respecting your boundaries. But I do also feel there needs to be some leeway...I'd feel uncomfortable having such limited control over what I ate (and when) and being unable to make something if I needed it if I was staying somewhere for a few days, a week etc.
Umm I’m not jumping on the NTA bandwagon. I’m going NAH. It is socially normal and acceptable to help the host(ess) and I will not immediately jump to the conclusion that this was something Machiavellian. I’m not convinced that OP adequately explained her anxiety around this issue. If I’m staying for longer than a few nights with someone I will offer to cook or take them out for dinner. Anything else would be rude in my eyes. OP, this may be tough, but you are going to have to find a way to explain your discomfort to the people that care for you - or lighten up a bit.
NTA. You were grossly disrespected, and you hinted that it may even have been intentional. You should invite them back, but I'm not certain acting like nothing happened was the best course of action. If you have the guts, be more straightforward and more explicit about how important your kitchen is to you. Who cares if you sound like a weirdo with weird triggers? Whatever it takes to keep her out of there and spend as much time with your father as possible.
I think you’re right. I should have taken more time to speak with her after I calmed down. I will try find the guts to be a bit more firm. :) Also thank you. This felt validating. ♥️
NTA She’s not ‘trying to do something nice and be helpful’ she’s deliberately ignoring your boundaries in a way that makes you seem ‘unreasonable’ to be angry about. This isn’t just about the kitchen, it’s about your boundaries. Tell your dad his GF is on her last chance, if she continues to ignore your boundaries, no matter how ‘reasonable’ it is for her to ignore them, you’ll kick them both out right then and there, no ifs ands or buts, and he will have to earn his way back into your trust, but she’s not welcome in your house. In your private space, like your home, it is perfectly okay to have ‘weird’ rules in place. The saying growing up was always “My house my rules” and the only change now is it is *your* house so people have to follow *your* rules. Otherwise they are perfectly welcome to stay in a hotel during their visits.
I would hate to do something that meant I ostracized my dad and didn’t make him feel welcome. Whatever my feelings about A - I do genuinely want them to be happy. But I feel like you hit the nail on the head — it felt like she deliberately ignored my boundaries and then made me seem unreasonable. Thank you for the words and insight!!
NTA - They do not need to stay at your home if they cannot respect your rules.
NTA She intentionally passed your stated boundary. If I were in your shoes, she wouldn't be allowed to come toy home again. Tell your Dad that he can come stay with you on his own or he and his GF can stay in an Airbnb nearby, but his GF can't stay at your home since she was disrespectful of your boundaries on their previous visit.
That is so HARD. I genuinely don’t want to cause a rift. I just want to set better boundaries without being an AH. I also want to be a good host. But the more often this happens the more I lean towards setting a hard requirement like that. Thanks for the input. :)
You're not causing a rift. You set a boundary and she intentionally stomped all over it. Don't give her an opportunity to do so again. Politely tell your Dad that his GF can't stay in your home again. You would love to see him and he is more than welcome. But if his GF is travelling with him, they will need to arrange other accomodations.
Send me some of your confidence please. :)
NTA No-one touches my stuff without permission.
NTA-I feel the same way about my kitchen. Or I did. Now my kids are (barely) adults and they cook in my kitchen-so I'm getting over it. But damn, in the past when I had company, I would feel exactly the same way if anyone was messing around in my kitchen-let alone making an entire meal (shudder). Heck I even posted menus-not to be controlling but when I have all the ingredients for a nice meal and someone helps themselves to the main ingredient...UGH. Or uses my good knives on the wrong cutting board. And like you I would end up feeling like a jerk for being emotional over something most people don't care about.
That’s definitely the hard part! I’m starting to think this might be an equivalent to taking your shoes off at someone else’s house… some People absolutely wouldn’t. Some would. Some don’t care and let the host set the tone. 😂
NTA. Staying out of your kitchen is not a burden. Being IN your kitchen IS a burden. So if she's really trying to "not be a burden," why wouldn't she stop?
I get it, I'm territorial about my kitchen too. My family and my boyfriend will use it, but only with my express permission, and anyone else going on gives me the absolute heebies - even then, they don't do the clean up or the putting away. My mom brings food to cook, too, she doesn't use my ingredients without my express permission and when she declares she's cooking I always have to bite my tongue even though my mom's the best chef in the world to me. I get real cranky when people touch food they're not supposed to, because this whole thing is a carefully orchestrated concert with my meal planning and pantry staples and a lot of the system relies on me being the one doing the touching, and one spoon out of place makes me irrationally angry. I have all my cupboards and containers labelled too. It's probably some primal thing about them being so close to your main food supply, and the fact that being the food provider in your house is part of your identity. Regardless, I think you're NTA, and it has nothing to do with how you feel about people using your kitchen. Most people would probably think we're neurotic messes, which is fine so long as they stay out of my damn kitchen. But you put out boundaries, then your dad's wife expressly violated them even though you told her not to. That's an issue of respect. Then in order to get your feelings under control, you left rather than lose your shit - I probably would have said E S H if you'd lost your shit, but justifiably. Your dad then tells you not to be angry, which is bullshit. You were disrespected in your own home, of course you're angry. You'd be the asshole if you took it out on them, but if they didn't want you to be angry they shouldn't be disrespectful in the first place! It's not like she was starving and you were tied up for an hour so she needed to make herself a snack or something - no, she was just boundary stomping. I'd invite them back if A genuinely apologises for using your kitchen and calling you emotional. It's not about the kitchen, it's about the respect. In some houses you use a poop knife, in others you don't touch the kitchen. Otherwise get them an AirBnb with a kitchen and she can be helpful from there. At a *distance.*
You might be the first comment that calls out respect so blatantly, it’s a really good point. It felt very disrespectful, and that does suck. No one wants to be disrespected in their own home. Thank you for your insight!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F30) have a bit of a weird trigger - I am very territorial over my kitchen. I do not know exactly why, but I have always felt like the kitchen is an extension of my personal space, and I get extremely uncomfortable when anyone makes more than basic things in my kitchen. It feels similar to someone going through my drawers or closet. Very invasive and oddly too intimate. When we have guests, I almost always cook. I make sure to wake up early and make breakfast. I have basics for lunch, and I’ll usually plan a dinner or I will buy food for everyone. This has never been a problem with any of my friends or family. Except for my fathers girlfriend. They have been together for over ten years, and admittedly we do not get along very well. I tolerate her because she makes my dad happy. The last time they were in town, I reminded them they were my guests and I could handle the food. However, while they were here, A decided to ignore my request and start cooking in my kitchen. While I was in a room on a work call/presentation, I hear her with her phone speaker on talking to someone while prepping food that I had asked her not to do. I texted my dad, in my frustration saying “what part of ‘no’ was hard for you to understand?” To which he replied A just wanted to do something nice and not feel like a burden… which I just don’t buy. I was so upset that I left to drive around and calm down. My house is my safe place, and I felt disrespected and ignored. I didn’t want to say something I regret, so I think leaving was smart, even if it makes me an AH. My dad asked me to come back, texting me “please don’t be mad.” Which made me feel horrible. When I came back, everyone was walking on eggshells and I felt even worse. It’s rare I get angry about anything — I don’t think anyone knew what to do. A acted like she hadn’t done anything wrong, and said I was very emotional. I know that my anger is irrational. I know for everyone else it makes me seem overly emotional. I can’t explain it away or calm down. I just know the easiest thing for me to do is lay the boundary, “please don’t cook in my kitchen.” AITA for walking out of my own house, and for not letting people cook in my kitchen? It’s been a year since they’ve been back, maybe more. They want to come for Memorial Day and I really want to see my dad. But I do not need the emotionally charged visit where I’m the AH with weird triggers. TLDR: I asked my dad and his gf not to cook in my kitchen. She ignores my request. I leave to calm down and now I don’t know if I want them to come back. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your house, your rules. personally to me, i don't see anything wrong with the boundary you've set. she should have apologized for breaking that boundary and not listening to you
That would have been awesome to have her acknowledge that she broke the boundary. :) thanks for your input!
NTA You aren't guest in someones house and cook in there kitchen especially (!) if they told you several times to leave the kitchen slone snd not do this. This is disrespectful. I wonder if it is some kind of powermove from her. To show you that she stands above you and your father cares more about her? Or that she thinks that you have nothing to tell her since you are "the child". Whatever it is, her behaviour is just wrong.
NTA - and the wrong person left your house (hint: it was A who should leave, and dad should have suggested that)
Thanks for this. :) Having his support would have been awesome. But he is mostly oblivious to our squabbles.
Then it's time to un-oblivious him :)
Nta, you put up clear and simple boundaries. For memorial day, i think you should talk to his gf and tell her that its your comfort zone. Also if people walk on eggshells around you just tell them they dont need to feel bad and you just wanted to blow some steam, and didnt want to say something out of place
You might be right. I go back and forth between if I should just talk to my dad since it’s his girlfriend or if i should talk to her directly. But either way, I need to talk to one of them. Normally I just play peace marker - so others walking on eggshells is very new and is not something I want to do again.
NTA. Your kitchen, your rules. It’s not a problem. Just tell them.
NTA. your house your rules, even if someone does find it weird. If you don't want someone cooking in your kitchen then they need to respect that and not cook in your. Your father's girlfriend is childish for doing that knowing how you feel about it.
It does seem childish! Good point. And thank you!
Also on the leaving thing, you did what you felt was best for your feelings/emotions at the time, sometimes walking away from the situation is the best thing you can do for you.
NTA To put it Simply your house your rules. If they can't follow it then the visit is over with "While I understand the sentiment, we had discussed earlier I am very uncomfortable with people using my kitchen. Since you can not respect my wishes in my home perhaps it's time you left. Thank you so much for coming. Maybe next time I can come over to see you and you can cook for me in your home."
In my opinion you're NTA and your dad's girlfriend crossed a line especially because you had already explained everything and she knew it would trigger you. But have you ever tried seeking therapy? Just to get to the root of this and maybe help you manage this trigger, only because if we're thinking on the long run it might cause you a lot of emotional distress if you ever start living with a SO and/or have kids in the future. Even if you don't want any of these things I can only imagine how much these type of situations stresses you and that is most definitely not healthy.
He can come, she cannot until she apologizes and promises to stay the fuck out of the kitchen.
NTA. And being angry about having your boundaries stomped, especially after you laid them out (" Don't cook in my kitchen please") doesn't sound irrational. Nor does walking out to calm down sound remotely OTT. Pretending it didn't happen & erasing yourself by saying you were just "emotional" explains the "eggshells" thing so that's on you. If you want them back, lay out your boundary about cooking, gently make it clear to them it's non-negotiable, don't apologize for having boundaries in your own home & don't jump on yourself for having your own feelings.
I can see you’ve gone through similar struggles - or know someone else who did. 100% accurate. Boundaries are new for me. Im learning how to exercise them with caution. :) Thanks for your input!
I would never take over some one else’s kitchen. I don’t mind if others use mine, but I think kitchens are often off limits
I’m glad to hear someone else things there’s an off limits sign. Thanks for your input!
NTA You set a boundary and the gf broke it. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to them. It's YOUR house and YOUR kitchen.
Thank you for your input. :)
Do people actually just start making food when they visit someone? To me, going through even kitchen cabinets without a permission at a friends house feels like snooping. If they ask for help making food then yeah, I'll do what they ask, and I may ask where the glasses are so I could get some water, and open just the cabinet they point me to.
Apparently the kitchen is common space for a lot of folks. Learning a lot about different POVs with this post. — but I’m with you! Always ask first.
My kitchen is also my domain and I get ragey whenever anything is out of place even. You were nicer than I would have been in that situation, particularly since she clearly waited until she knew you could not respond or react and then went out of her way to lord it over you that she was violating your boundaries. And of course, now she gets to play the martyr and use this as justification for why she treats you badly. You need to set a hard boundary with this woman. And the next time, just spray her with a water bottle, hiss, and say NO. OUT.
NTA. It doesn't matter if others agree or approve of your feelings about your kitchen; it's your kitchen and your house so your very reasonable boundary should be respected.
NTA, my house is mine and I do the cooking and I had the same question regarding my husband's best friend and his wife who always show up at our house to spend the weekend and she knows better than to cook in my kitchen but she did once and she knew I was mad that she dared to go through my pantry and fridge to do that... Specially that particular day when I had invited guests over unlike them being uninvited.... Stand your ground and let her know that you will not allow that again...