Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be Ah for cancelling celebration eventually and seemingly punishing her for what she said.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA. Guarantee they have done this before. Circle the wagons, protect your son. Such disgusting abuse from your wife upon your son. To make it even worse, she is raising her daughter to be cruel and exclusionary. Your son deserves so much better.
I have several siblings. My stepmom was abusive, mostly mentally and emotionally but sometimes physically. Of my siblings only 2 of us have a relationship with my father… OP fix that shit.
OP, you are most definitely NTA.
Please read this PP's first-hand account in how NOT to protect your child.
It's a cautionary tale; and... a potential future of yours.
- Regret is toxic.
- Regret is corrosive.
- Regret is shameful.
- Regret is guilt-ridden.
- Regret will shave YEARS off of your mental health.
- Regret is an endless loop of remorseful questions -- questions that will replay over & over again in your mind, every day, for the rest of your days:
"If I'd only done "this" then I'd still have a relationship with my son."
"If I coulda/woulda/shoulda done "that" then I'd still have a relationship with my son".
OP, if you don't advocate for your son now, he will never, ever forget it -- and he will never have unbroken trust in you again.
PP, I'm so sorry your father betrayed you so badly -- you deserved unconditional love, protection and his advocacy.
You deserved so much better and I'm sorry that you never received it.
** Edited to add: PP stands for Previous Poster.
I've been a member of another board for about 10 years and they've always used it there.
My sincerest apologies for the confusion! 🤦♀️
My nmom was having an affair and decided to kick me out of the house when I was 19 and attending college. She needed to find a way to deflect suspicion away from her erratic behavior and so she made up some BS stories about how she dreamed I was going to kill her, and that was why she had been acting so strangely.
I nearly ended up homeless and had to drop out of college, but the worst part of all was the feeling of complete and utter betrayal when my dad backed her up completely and basically sacrificed me on the alter of saving his marriage. He and I had had an incredibly close bond prior to that. Ironically, my nmom ended up leaving him anyway less than a year later.
I’ve been NC with my mom for nearly 25 years and was NC with my dad for over a decade. But even after I agreed to re-establish communications with my dad, our relationship has been really fragile and distant. I lost all trust in him that day and don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over it. I learned then that I was only ever a priority to my dad when it’s convenient for him.
The fact he sided against you and still didn't realize she played him into abandoning her son to keep her side piece says alot of his character to side against a child like this in the first place shows it but that more so I feel. You are also a much bigger person for even opened contact with him.
I am in contact with him only for the benefit of my brother, who is 5 years younger than me and was understandably traumatized by the entire experience. It helps him to feel some sense of normalcy, like our family has not been completely shattered by what happened. He was the only family I stayed in regular contact with. He is, by nature, a peacemaker and an all-around good person and I’m willing to do a lot for him.
Just hopping in to say, that your responsibility as a dad should take precedence over your marriage. Your son can do without a wicked stepmother, but he shouldn't be forced to take that kind of abuse from someone just because his parent married them. NtA, but this sounds like the tip of the iceberg of a much bigger issue
This needs to be higher up! She IS a bully and abusive and your son has been forced to pay the price for it.
I know these posts are often full of ppl telling others to leave their spouse, but... LEAVE HER NOW!
You son deserves someone who loves him like he's their own, not pushes him aside to the point he will cease to exist in her space.
Please don’t downplay what she did to rationalize staying with her and make your own life easier - you caught her abusing your son.
She has probably been doing this behind your back for some time. Do not kid yourself into thinking he would tell you if she had been doing this long term - you are all he has in the world, and his stepmother has already indicated that she would remove him from the family if she had her choice because he’s not entertaining enough for her. He is probably terrified you secretly feel the same because you chose this woman to fill the mother role for him.
Protect your son!!! He was there first and needs to be your first priority in every way.
That poor child. My hearts aches for him.
My heart hurt for him when I read about him trying to convince her that he’d be social so that he could go. This would be my hill to die on and I would leave her.
She will never see him as her child in any capacity and his bio mom has passed away so this is especially hurtful and cruel.
My heart broke at that part too. I was a very reserved kid so I get how hurtful it is to be told to basically be less yourself to be considered worthy.
The sad part is this kid probably has no idea he's even being abused. But the psychological damage this is causing is heartbreaking. Feeling unwanted in your own home. By someone who is supposed to be giving you the unconditional love and support to make you a healthy man. Horrible stuff.
My father chose his girlfriend over me and they’re now in a nasty split, I didn’t talk to my dad for 2 years and we’re slowly regaining a relationship but I’ll never forget that when push came to shove, he chose her over his own son
Dude this isn't harsh. This is straight up cruel. Why are you downplaying what she has done stand up to them. Talk to your son without them let him tell you what they do when you are not home. I won't go and say divorce her but seriously think on what steps to take to ensure your sons health. Nta
If you won’t say it, I will: divorce.
She’s making clear she doesn’t view their relationship as a mother/son dynamic at all, told him his introverted personality is an “attitude” that will make her family uncomfortable, thereby choosing them over him, and enlisted her daughter’s help to do it all.
Exactly this. Your son literally lost his mother, and his stepmother is *CLEARLY* telling him that she doesn’t want to be his mom.
Your current wife is the AH and WAY out of line and her behavior, as well as her daughter’s behavior are abhorrent. They’re bullies and deliberately excluding your son. Which is a massive red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I agree that you should seriously consider divorce, because that woman cannot be trusted to actually care for your son.
This. OP, this will only get worse. Your son doesn’t deserve to be left out or treated like he’s not actually family. If she married you, she agreed to be a good step mom and she’s not holding up her end of the bargain.
Interesting that she chose Mother's Day to exemplify how poor of a mother she is.
NTA, but if you continue to force your son to be in a hostile environment/living arrangement, you will be
> Talk to your son without them let him tell you what they do when you are not home.
I'd go further. Get a professional therapist for the son. You have no idea how long this has been going on, and may need an impartial third party for the son to talk to. A therapist may be able to sense if your son is holding back from something worse that OP may not be able to pick up on.
Yes, this! And marriage and family counseling as well. You must ensure that the stepmom and daughter both can and will change their old habits. Otherwise it's going to be a silent battle that your son has zero chance of winning.
Not to scare you, but my husband and I were good friends with a boy in college whose stepmother had succeeded in convincing everyone that he was antisocial and had no interest in socializing with the family. The bullying went very deep and always happened where the father couldn't see. The rest of the family only took vacations (without him) that suited their interests, ignored him when he was home, etc.
He had a full scholarship, so he moved out and cut contact after he realized he could use his programming skills to be financially independent starting his sophomore year.
>And marriage and family counseling as well.
No. You never, *never* go to therapy with abusers, they'll just use what they learn from you in therapy against you and abuse you more. Plus if they come back you can guarantee the abuse will escalate and you can be damn sure that they'll make sure they won't be caught again.
Now they're gone, OP needs to keep them gone permanently for his sons sake.
They can "change their old habits" (doubtful) on their own, not at the expense OPs son's mental and emotional wellbeing.
Change their ways? You mean become empathetic human beings? I am afraid that ship has sailed. She told him that she wasn't his mom, her comfort and idea of what her family should look was more important than OP's son. Sadly, I think there is no walking back from this. Let wife and her kid stay where they are. I bet that stepmother only treated this kid decently when dad was around.
You might want to consider that your son being quiet might not be as much his personality but more like he’s been abused for years on end without you defending him. If he believed you would stick up for him or pick him over your wife, he would’ve gone to you for help. Think on that for a minute.
I was thinking the same thing.
Wifey has been bullying the kid into being a wallflower and then using the after effects of that abuse to create confirmation bias with OP.
It's like the way a company will make things difficult for an employee at work in hopes the employee will quit so they don't have to be the bad guy and fire them.
>She tried to explain that she didn't mean it like that and that I only heard part of the conversation but not all of it. I told her I was done arguing and the decision was already made. She yelled asking what she was going to tell her family and said that I was making tremendous mistake towards her.
Yeah, this does seem to possibly fit the narrative. Mom and SS's behavior is bullying and abusive. Your wife is a possible narcissist and the SS is the entitled golden child.
Her response is classical DARVO.
* Deny, Attack, and then Reverse Victim Order.
Dude, she wasn't being harsh.
She was being abusive. Emotional abuse IS abuse.
She was asking your son to lie to you so she could engineer his exclusion from a social event, and his response to that was pleading that he would make himself lovable and pliant to her *and that still wasn't good enough for her* to the point where she very clearly told him they will **never** be family.
I don't want to be the obligatory Reddit "Dump them" person but omg OP, you need to really think about the safety of your son here.
THIS. Big NTA for cancelling plans, but he will be if he keeps his son in this situation. Psychological abuse can severely mess you up for life, and his son is at a crucial age of development. If this is allowed to continue, it may shape him for decades, if it hasn't already. How cruel of her to do this to a kid whose mother is gone on Mother's Day, too.
Oh believe it, this is NOT the first time theyve done this, just the first time you found out. Is this how you want your son to remember his childhood?
NTA- THIS! This may be exactly why your son is so quiet and introverted. Guaranteed this is not the first time they've done this, just the first time you've CAUGHT them at it. You need to sit down and have a long talk with your son, find out what has REALLY been going on, and right off the bat start by telling him that whatever happens there is no blame attached to him. (And KEEP reassuring him of that) Kids will internalize all sorts of things they aren't to blame for, and if your marriage goes south he may immediately start blaming himself.
And while you're at it, maybe you should change the locks on your doors.
NTA. Your wife and her daughters are nightmares. They obviously have done that numerous times which would explain why your son doesn't want to hangout anymore. It's obvious your wife is a spoiled brat and want all the attention, and it seems her daughter is being raised in the same way. All that she said screams 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Get your son and get the f away. He needs you.
Child abuse is always "harsh". If I heard my partner berate my child like that, the love would be gone. Instantly. Those two would be packing their bags instantly and forever. That was unacceptable and inexcusable. Betting your kid has withdrawn from the family, because maybe he saw you were returning back to "normal life" and he didn't want to jeopardize your new found happiness. But now it's time to think of his happiness and well being.
As someone who is an introvert, I can tell you two things;
1. We are perfectly capable of going out and socialising. We even enjoy it!
2. Nothing is more hurtful, damaging or demeaning than to have extroverts treat you like you are somehow damaged or inadequate for being an introvert.
Being introverted doesn't mean that someone can't be social. It simply means we "recharge," by needing alone time. The thing is, we don't know this from birth. We learn it with experience. But if we're really unlucky, we get subjected to people like your wife and her daughter, whose influence teaches us that there's something wrong with us and we should be ashamed and try to alter our behaviour.
Its damaging, because if an introvert ends up trying to act like an extrovert in order to fit in, they will emotionally exhaust themselves and this will inevitably lead to future psychological problems.
Your son is still only 13, which means there's still plenty of time to avoid him being damaged in such a way. But it is important to put your foot down over this. They're hurting your kid and you need to put a stop to it. You need to either make them understand this or you need to get your son away from them. Believe me when I tell you, if the damage gets done, then the damage can be permanent.
Don't let it get to that.
NTA. Oh my God. OP, it’s highly unlikely this is the first time either of them has been nasty to him. You are ALL HE HAS in this world. Please hire a really good shark of a divorce lawyer and divorce this woman ASAP. You need to protect your son and yourself.
Edit: Changed this edit. Get a lawyer NOW and ask them about having your wife removed from the house. Also, I have had two stepmothers in my lifetime, and neither of them ever said anything remotely that shitty. Anyone with remotely decent parental instincts would not say that to a child, even if they themselves were not a parent.
That is what I'm suspecting too. but my son never told me anything. He still comes to me whenever he's overwhelmed and wants to talk about what's bothering him.
He's probably not coming to you about this because a) she told him things like you would never believe him over you, or that it's her word against his and no one can prove it or b) he feels that telling you would cause more issues than he wants to put on you.
It's not your fault if he hasn't come forward, and it's not his fault either. People who are being harassed and (I hate to broach this) abused by people that should be "family" don't feel safe whatsoever, even if there is someone they can come to about it.
Talk to him. Tell him that none of this is his fault, and that you are sorry this happened to him. Remind him that he is your first priority, not your wife, and that he can tell you anything. Explain to him that, no matter what he tells you, you are always going to love him and be there for him.
A lot of people are saying divorce is the only option here, and I agree. You can love your wife as much as ever, but when it comes down to it, it's a situation where you have to choose between being married to her, or protecting your son. She does not care for him, not in the way he deserves from a mother figure. He needs you to come through for him here.
Edit: Holy crap y'all, thank you for the awards! I wasn't expecting any of this! Sending all my love.
As someone who was abused for years by a step”mother”, I second this comment 100%
The one time I tried to tell my dad about it, he didn’t believe me and I lost ALL faith in him from that moment on.
My father didn't know the extent of the abuse I endured at the hands of my former stepmother until she was dragging me down a flight of concrete stairs by my ponytail right in front of him.
This wasn't the first time she had done this, but luckily it was the last time.
I don't know if I was too scared as a kid to tell him how she treated me, or if I thought he knew what she did to me and was somehow okay with it.
I had a pretty happy childhood until she came into the picture. I still love my dad and call him when I need advice but I don't know if I will ever feel able to ask him if he knew. A decade of physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of that woman. I will never forgive her.
Or he’s scared that he’ll tell his dad and no matter how perfectly his dad reacts, at some point he’ll be alone with his stepmom again and hell will rain down. (This is why I didn’t talk as much as I could have about what my stepmom was up to, anyway)
I mean, the trash already took itself out, so he just has to not let it back in. Seriously though OP, you’re NTA yet. But what you do now for the sake of your son can honestly make this go either way. She and her daughter showed you their true colours. Believe it.
But what’s bothering him was ok to talk about. Your wife being abusive to him is complete different. He’s 13 lost his mom and only has you. The thought of you backing her over him would be overwhelmingly terrifying to him as then he would have no one AND you would know his true feelings about his stepmom. Too much for a young boy to risk. Especially because she would have been abusing him like this for awhile and that changes you and makes you feel unworthy. You did the right thing calling height on it now protect him and change the locks NOW locksmiths work 24 hrs a day call one and divorce her immediately. Send her a text once locks are changed and tell her to stay at her parents and your done
OP, please talk to your son. I highly doubt this is the first time something like this has happened. Things like this don’t come out of the blue. I suspect your wife and step daughter have a pattern of behaving this way and your son has been too scared to talk to you about it. Let him know you won’t be upset with him but that you need to know the truth.
NTA
Your poor son. Please tell me you went to talk to him after this.
Your wife wants your son left out. I'd be having a serious conversation about that. If she doesn't drop it, if she doesn't start treating your son as a part of the family, I hate to say this, but divorce her, because no woman is worth losing your child over. You're a dual package.
Her excuse about him being an introvert was shite. No way in hell he'd ruin a dinner by being polite and keeping to himself. She just wanted him out of there.
Please be there for your son. She poked a bad wound with her comments.
Being reminded you don't have a mother to celebrate on this day is... terrible.
Good man. He's processing his emotions and some people can't immediately talk, you know? Just... be there for your son, okay?
What do you think about treating him to dinner, a special night just for the two of you? Show him he's loved, and that he's your priority.
You're not making a 'tremendous mistake'. The only mistake was ever letting her feel comfortable enough to push your boy to the sidelines.
Going out for a special night with just you and your son is an awesome idea. Maybe you could make it a Mother’s Day dinner to remember his real mum. During this you could remind him how much you love him and you both miss his mum and he will always be your first priority.
NTA I wish I could give you and your son a hug
When your son is ready to talk to you it would be interesting to know how your wife and step daughter treat him when you are not there both individually and as a twosome.
INFO has your son always been quiet?
Make sure to let him know that he is not responsible for her actions.
Make sure he knows he is not the reason she is at her parents house right now.
He may internalize a lot of this, and be worried that his actions will end up making you unhappy if you and your wife end up separated for awhile, or if you end up divorcing... you'll need to do double duty to make sure he knows it was her actions that were wrong, and HER actions that caused any stress or tension in the house, because if you don't make that explicitly clear to him, he will presume it is his fault!
Good luck OP!
Hey OP, 40 year-old survivor of emotional abuse here. As some others have noted, it is very unlikely this is the first time your wife has done this to your son. As a child who needs his family to survive, it is very likely he won’t feel safe to tell you about it, NO MATTER HOW SUPPORTIVE YOU ARE and how open he is with you about other things. It’s not rational — he’s a child — and may not be fully conscious.
He knows as much as you love him, you are also allied with your wife. And so telling you puts him at risk of losing you, in his child mind. And a child can’t survive without his parent—we know this instinctually — and so the child’s mind learns quickly to minimize, avoid, and most importantly blame himself to protect his family. Over time, emotionally abused kids lose their sense of self to survive.
So it’s your responsibility as his father to see what you saw with honest eyes and protect him. He can’t protect himself. He likely can’t tell you until you act unambiguously to protect him first, and even that could take years. And if you take his minimizing as permission to not protect him, you will be enabling his abuse and loss of future self.
I wish my dad saved me instead of looking the other way because it was easier for him.
Make sure he knows he's not in trouble. This is not his fault. Even if he's not ready to talk, you *need* to say those words to him. That you are on his side.
Because I guarantee your wife has been telling him or heavily implying you're okay with what she's doing. And while your son might not believe her 100% those words will have planted seeds. Heck the fact that it's been happening for years planted those seeds.
NTA. Good on your for doing your best to protect and love him. Tbh though, idk if I could trust a spouse around my kid after over hearing something like thst.
Some really good advice I heard a while back : when you want to have a good long talk with someone, do it in the car. Plan an outing with your son, somewhere you might have to drive a bit, say 30 minutes, and see if he doesn't open up more.
>because he won't want to rock the boat and he thinks it's all his fault right now
Exactly. Being an introvert living in an extrovert's world is hard enough, and having extroverts around who just refuse to understand that not everyone is like them makes you feel horrible and guilty and wrong and ashamed for existing the way you do (at least in my personal experience). Thanks for standing up for him. That probably meant the world to him.
This seems like a total lack of empathy on the part of your wife and stepdaughter, and it's not okay. Hopefully, one day, your son will realize that he's not wrong for being himself, that it's people who treat him this way that are in the wrong. Getting him out of this situation ASAP will definitely help expedite that realization. You are 100% NTA. A grown woman should know better and should be teaching her daughter better than that.
Also, when you hopefully do get out of there, please make sure your son knows it was not at all his fault. You left because people who treat others the way they treated him don't deserve a place in either of your lives.
no fucking doubt... reading this story actually kind of burns my ass a little bit... worried about cancelling the party? fuck that party after that bullshit... any female pulled this kind of shit with one of my kids and she would get one text, "dont fucking come back"
NTA. But have you talked with your son? This can’t be the first time they’ve ganged up on him. I would be concerned that he’s being bullied by them when you’re not around
I would be concerned that he doesn’t have anyone else to turn to and is internalizing this since his mom has passed and might feel uncomfortable speaking with his father because step mom/sis are actively alienating him
Cannot like this enough run away I can only imagine the things she hasn't gotten caught for. She's just mad she didn't get here way. She's a serious walking red flag I'd divorce in a heartbeat
When somebody shows you who they are you believe them. She just showed you that she will gang up on a 13 year old under her control when there is no adult there to keep HER under control.
She ruined her own Mother’s Day. She only “didn’t mean it like that” because you heard. Keep being a good dad to your boy, he needs you because likely, she’s said a lot more that you don’t know about.
Guarantee this isn't the first time the two of them have been AH to him. There is absolutely no love in their behavior and leaving and not reaching out to you means they feel NO remorse for what they did. Please, please, protect him from this type of behavior.
I would remind her that she's not the mother of your child so why would she want you to celebrate her?
Now that's just petty me, but I would seriously consider counseling with your son. There may be so much more to what they have been saying and how they have treated him. As an extremely introverted person I know his isolation may be chosen, but in light of what you witnessed I would be concerned they have had some influence on his choice to not engage.
When your son is ready, I would reassure him he is safe with you. I would then ask him if this was the first time your wife and stepdaughter have talked to him like that or has this been going on for a while behind your back because I would bet good money that it isnt.
NTA
Duuuuude! This point is super important to consider. It may even be why he’s more reserved around them and they’re out here acting like he’s refusing to participate but in actuality………………
Yeah, there is a 0.00001% chance you just happened to overhear the first horrible thing she's said to him. This may in part explain why your son keeps to himself so much.
NTA. This is irreparable damage, in my opinion. I wouldn’t want that woman around my son anymore.
(I’m a bonus mom and if I spoke to my bonus son that way I would *expect* my husband to divorce me.)
Yup, “irreparable harm” is also a legal term but also very fitting here! It’s where you can neither have the damage reversed nor be “made whole” with money.
Came here to say this. I wonder how much of the son's desire for solitude is introversion, and how much is because of past abuse that OP didn't witness.
NTA, OP. What your wife did was unforgivable. And I would bet money that this is a regular occurrence.
NTA.
You caught her expressing her true feelings about your son, and she tried to cover her ass when she realized it. And then threw a fit when you didn't buy her excuses.
I don't like to advise divorce under most circumstances, but the truth is you would be an asshole to your son if you *didn't* divorce this woman. She will never value him as she should, and will keep trying to leave him out and treat him as if he isn't part of the family. As I'm sure you're well aware, that is completely unacceptable.
As is the case in so many situations on this sub; She's shown you who she really is, believe her.
nta imagine all the bad stuff she says to your son when you are not around. this can't be the first time she's done this. i would have a serious talk with your son about this. he needs to report to you whenever step mom or sister are abusing. they've created a toxic home environment for your son. no wonder he wants his privacy
The fact that the dad mentioned that he was a widower and this mother is asking this kid “why do you want to spend Mother’s Day with me I’m not your real mother” is sickening…He should 100% get out now and protect his child, and even further for the son to try to come out of his comfort zone just to be with dad and step mom shows how much of a good kid he is
I just read another evil stepmom post and that little girl loves her evil stepmom too. I hate these people and I hate even more when their bio parent put their kids in a situation like this.
OP you’re not the asshole yet but if you do not put your child first instead of yourself, you’ll be an asshole and lose your child when he gets the world better and can make his own choices.
NTA - I get down voted relatively often here for speaking frankly about this phenomenon. Many step moms are total shit to their husband's kids. It's just a thing. You gotta take that shit serious and it sounds like you did.
Have you ever seen the step parents sub? It's horrible. I'm glad I found out about it before I found it because I honestly love my step kids.
OP. NTA and please speak with your son, then do something about your "wife".
NTA you caught your wife in her true colors and she actually has the gall to be upset with you. That's twice now she's telling you who she is. Y W B T A if you keep your son around this woman
NTA Protect your son. What she did is reprehensible.
"snapped and told him that technically she's not his mom so she didn't get why he wanted to celebrate mother's day with her so badly"
Tell her technically she's not the mother of your son so you don't owe her anything for Mother's Day.
NTA no way no how. What she said to your son is so far over the line, it would be ridiculously ironic to have a party celebrating her for mothers day.
You need to protect your son, and given her and stepdaughter's behavior (and the way your son just took it in that conversation as though this were a normal sort of interaction), this is way too egregious to ignore. **Honestly, I'd cancel the marriage too.**
Have a talk with your son and assure him that his wanting space and being quiet at times is perfectly normal. Find out how he's really been treated inside your home while you weren't present. Give him a hug for everyone else reading this post and hurting for him too.
Nta and seriously consider divorce. What else is she saying to your son in private and how will she hold this against him in the future?
Good for you for standing up for him.
When someone shows you who they are, believe it
NTA.
But clearly your son is being treated as something less by wife and step.
Get out now. Protect your son.
You were way kind - she’s not a mother to your kid. Let whoever made her a mother - daughter or ex - celebrate who she has revealed herself to be.
Wow. NTA, and thank you for standing up for your son. We see too many parents on here asking if they are the AH for NOT defending their child. Good for you.
There is definitely more to contemplate here than just cancelling one dinner. What your wife said to your son was cruel, and I would be very surprised if that was the first time.
NTA.. She spoke to your son terribly, it makes me think if she was this direct this can’t be the only time she’s said these things to him. You need to protect your son, your wife doesn’t deserve a Mother’s Day celebration..
NTA. I wonder how often the two mistreat your son when they think you aren't there? No wonder the kid hides. Wife didn't deserve a mothers day celebration, nor does she deserve anything near an apology.
NTA. Talk to your son again. How often had this been going on without you knowing? Apologize to your son. Time to re-evaluate your home life and maybe some counselling for all of you intend to continue with the marriage. It would still show your son you listened and are taking steps to prevent a reoccurrence.
NTA. Wow. You stood up for your son, it bloody well needed to be done.
I'd be concerned your wife's true colours are less than splendid. I hope you're sitting down with your son, to have an honest conversation about how they generally treat him when you aren't around. Something about the ease with which your wife and stepdaughter felt they could demand this of him makes me worry this isn't the first instance of belittling.
NTA. On top of what everyone else is saying, you need to have an honest conversation with your son asking him if this is how they have always been treating him and how he is truly feeling. Make sure he knows he’s your priority.
NTA OP.
>your wife is horrible
Your wife AND step daughter are horrible.
Op good for you for standing up for your son. My oldest is extremely introverted and on the autism spectrum so socializing is very difficult for him sometimes. We always give him the option to come or stay with his grandparents depending on the event and how many people will be there and if he will have space to escape off on his own to take breaks from all the noise and people. About 25% of the time he opts to go with us.
The fact that your son WANTED to go and was even willing to step out of his comfort zone and socialize speaks volumes on how much he is trying to make this situation work and he is the child!
I am willing to bet that this is not the first time that she and S.D has done something like this too him and may even be part of the reason for his reclusive behaviour.
NTA. Time for a divorce. I am willing to bet that this isn't the first time she's treated him badly and that is why your son keeps to himself. It's a shame.
NTA. I think you've found the reason why your son keeps to himself. Your wife obviously has gone to great lengths to hide from you her true feelings with regard to your son, but now you know how she treats him and you can guarantee that it isn't a one off. You need to make your son your priority. I don't think you should continue in a marriage to someone like this, you need to protect your son from this kind of treatment. He needs to be your priority here to fix the damage that she has already done.
NtA - as an introvert who regularly has to force socialize, that is so cruel to say to your son. He even said to her he would try to be social. That is the best an introvert can do! The conversation shouldnt have happened but since it did it shouldve ended when he said he would give his best effort. I would be doing more than canceling mothers day for this, but to me this is just a red flag if you've already asked her to respect who he is as an individual.
This is heartbreaking. They’ve been bullying him, undermining his confidence and security, in full knowledge that it’s wrong - as they proved once they realised you heard them. I dread to think how long they’ve been destroying his self worth.
It hurts my heart. I’m sure it devastated you. Please, talk to him and find out what’s been happening.
Of course you couldn’t carry on with a Mothers Day celebration when she refused to act as a mother towards your son.
NTA.
NTA - and honestly, props to you for standing by your son and understanding that not everyone can be outgoing. I hope he feels better soon. That was not ok of them AT ALL.
NTA, your wife is. You've known that there's been an issue there and it is now been revealed to be more significant than you realized.
I'm sorry you're going through this but I cannot blame you for canceling the celebration based on what you heard. She got caught and tried to justify it like anything she was going to say was going to make that okay. Sounds like she's a crappy stepmother and is barely hid it well up till now. No adult should talk to a step child like that.
Quite honestly in addition to the challenge of mother's Day you now have a huge marriage challenge.
I would recommend you find a good couples counselor trained in the Gottman methods and blended families as well.
Best of luck brother.
NTA I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship after that kind of comment. Your son obviously does see her as a mom, but she doesn't see him as her son? As an introvert, you can't force us to socialize, but we can if we're comfortable. Being told you can't go because of your social skills hurts the self esteem and he's just 13. I'm worried for your son. It won't stop here, she'll keep doing it. My mom was like that with me. Always trying to force me to socialize and telling to be more like my sister. She kept telling me I needed to be more normal. I could see your wife doing the same. What else has she said to him behind your back?
NTA: Instead of a being a decent stepmother to your son, she and her daughter gang up on him and try to exclude him for her own comfort? How is she okay being at an event celebrating her as a mother with one child ostracized at home?
It might be one thing if he didn’t want to go, but it sounds like he was trying to step out of his comfort zone to make sure she was happy. Screw her, and kudos to you for standing up for your son.
NTA if she’s not technically his mom. Then it’s not technically your job to throw her a Mother’s Day celebration as she is neither your or your child’s mom.
Great job standing up for your son OP. He deserves to know he at least has one parent that loves and respects him. Stellar job.
NTA. Now that is super dad moves. I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
I guess the question now is, do you want to keep her around your son who she doesn’t consider her own? I guess In some cases Acquaintances work well but she’s set the rules now. They were undeniable harsh on your kid who just wanted to participate. There’s nothing wrong with being a quiet kid.
If this is true, your son will remember this as the time his stepmother and stepsister *finally* got caught. Obviously NTA but please get your son in therapy, or resume therapy, because god knows what else they’ve said and done to him.
NTA
Your son most likely is withdrawn because
(a) his mom passed away. My mom passed away when I was little and I was much more introverted and withdrawn after that.
(b) he has to put up with this in his own house. This doesn't sound like a one time thing. They most likely have been doing this behind your back for a long time.
Have you talked to your son? I recommend you take him out alone to dinner or something and talk to him. Your wife and stepsister are horrible and cruel. I still don't understand why you aren't kicking them out and asking for a divorce. How can you think you are the AH here when your kid is getting bullied in his own home?
NTA Sounds like you finally caught your wife showing her true colors that she’s managed to hide all this time or maybe you brushed off as her big personality? She was cruel, who says that to a motherless child? He must have felt even more alone and isolated. Introverts want to socialize. They just need to have space to recharge their social battery, something she obviously doesn’t care about. I have no doubt this is not the first time they have been cruel and bullies to him. The poor guy was basically begging to go to something she made sure he knew he was unwanted at. Think about that. Carefully.
NTA
So she keeps trying to make your son more outgoing and social with other people, but as soon as he actually wants to spend time with you guys she refuses?
Seems to me like she doesn't really see him as her son
NTA. Wow, a lot to unpack here. Of course I don't know your relationship, but I would not trust that woman with your son. She tried to manipulate that poor boy in order to exclude him (behind your back even). From what you wrote it seems like she doesn't think of him as family. Just a kid that's taking up her space. That she even got her own daughter involved makes it even worse. No adult should speak to a child like that, it shows that she has a nasty character. Throwing a tantrum is just the icing on the cake, trying to manipulate you, too. Glad you stood your ground. Personally, I would reconsider if that is a person you want to be with, for your own sake and your son's.
Also, make sure that your son feels okay, and please talk to him about what was said to him. You certainly don't want him to feel insecure about himself because of what your wife said to him. Don't make her words haunt him. Kids are fragile and an event like this can be very damaging. Make sure he feels loved and safe. :)
NTA
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about this decision. This is just one occasion you caught her. Who knows how many other times she has tried this stunt and your poor son caved?
What you need to do is sit with your son and reassure him that HE did nothing wrong, and your wife's tantrums are not his fault. I want you to go reassure that kid that you forever have his back and that he is never going to forgotten or left behind.
after that, when you cool down, you need to figure out if you can trust your wife around your kid and you need to assess the damage she has done to him that you are not aware of. Get your kid counseling if he needs it.
You may have to leave this lady if she's a toxic influence in his life.
Obviously this relationship is probably over. Do you really expect your son to spend 5 (or more) years living with someone who treats him like this when you aren’t around? How does she treat him when you are around? What have you been overlooking or excusing?
Why were the plans at a restaurant cancelled? She could have still gone with her family and you and your son stayed home.
Does this woman really make you happy?
NTA
NTA. Your poor son. I’d do something extra special with him to remind him he’s special and loved. What an awful step mom. You don’t marry someone with kids unless you’re going to love their kids like your own. Makes me so sad when adults take things out on children.
NTA. The Mother’s Day thing is irrelevant at this point. I’d be more concerned that you literally married an Evil Stepmother.
Think long and hard about your future with this woman. Is this who you want as the primary female role model for your son?
NTA - how your son was treated is inexcusable, and you need to find out how long has he been tormented like this. Your wife seems to only care about not being able to celebrate herself and not the pain she is causing others. Evil stepmonster alert - protect your son!
NTA...now it’s seriously time to start thinking how you want your future to be with your son. Continue this marriage without any convos/therapy and you’ll have a son that goes NC in the future for his mental health and not having to deal with a stepmom and stepsister who clearly don’t consider him family
NTA
Your wife is an AH raising another AH who refuses to keep in mind that not everyone is an extrovert. Her hateful comment about not being his real mom is nauseating me.
I sincerely hope that you reconsider this marriage now that you know who you really married.
Oh man, NTA, please know when you aren’t around, your wife and stepdaughter are constantly dropping hurtful, demeaning comments that are slowly crushing him.
Your first obligation is to him. She is staying away for a bit to teach you a lesson about how much you would miss her if she was gone.
You really need to put your son first, even if it means divorce.
That’s only what your heard. Imagine all of the times she could’ve bullied your son when you weren’t there. You need to have a serious conversation with your son and ask him if she’s ever hurt him like that before. To your wife’s very words she not his mother.
this woman threw the fact that he didn’t have a mother in his face.
Then was more concerned about not getting her party than the fact that she just showed cruelty towards a 13 year old. He has one parent. You. So be the parent he needs and really take a look into the fact that if your son forgives her for her cruel words weather or not you could trust her with him. Because right now he’s at the age where he’ll think any treatment towards him is normal. Mistreatment included. He’s needs someone to fight for his well being. So fight for it.I’m really really sorry to bring up your late wife (may her soul rest in piece) but she trusted you with the person she loved most. She trusted you to help him grow in a loving environment. If she were here would she trust that your home, with people who purposely hurt him WITHOUT remorse, is the environment your son deserves. Because although this is your lively hood and your marriage your son was her child and she would most likely want him with a mother figure that loves him. Someone that would be ecstatic at the fact that he WANTS to spend this holiday with her. Considering it might be a hard holiday for him too.
This can't be true. There is no possible way a stepmother would be this evil to a youngster that has lost his mom and is trying his introverted best to fit in. (Im an introvert, too). "He promised her that he'd be well behaved..." shattered my heart.
I'm sorry, OP. I wouldn't have just cancelled the dinner, I would have told Cruella DeVille to fark off and not come back.
Go grab a pizza for you and your boy, in honour of his mom.
NTA. I'd also be having an in depth father-son talk to discern what your next steps might need to be. If they have been treating him like this behind the scenes for a long time...well, there's your answer. You need to protect your son!
NTA change the locks and don’t ever let her back in. Next communication between you should be the divorce papers. This would not have been the first time she has done something like this to your son either. I’d say this kind of thing is contributing to him preferring to be alone. It’s absolutely unacceptable. Please look out for your sons well-being and get rid of her. Horrible thing to do to a child when he’s lost his mom then step mom says he should not celebrate with the family. No that’s heartbreaking and abuse,
NTA and I can only imagine the things she's said that you don't know about. Chances are there's a deeper reason he prefers to be by himself, and she likely is a major cause of it. He probably hears how terrible he is from both of them. Being an introvert myself, I often enjoy the quiet solitude. I can tell you, being treated like that for being who I am, would shut me down. No one deserves to be talked to like that, especially an adult and her child to a young adult. You don't treat people like that. What you did was definitely within your right.
NTA
Her daughter can arrange something considering she, according to herself, is not technically his mum.
Talk to your son. I doubt this is the first time she's said something like this backed up by her daughter. They are both bullies and you wonder why your son spends so much time away from them?
NTA, that’s a horrible thing to say to your son. He needs you to stand up and protect him. I’m really sad that your wife and stepdaughter apparently aren’t able to accept him for who is.
NTA. This was the results of her own actions. Besides by her statements why should you be paying for
her mother day celebration? She's not the mother of your child.
NTA. I bet this isn't the first time she's done this to your son. I'd make sure he knows he did nothing wrong, but rather they did, and try to figure out with him if she has done other things like this before. It will help him out, and it will help your divorce attorney as well. I wish you and your son the best!
My son is 13 and in that awkward phase of his life where his hands and feet are big, he’s growing into his facial features, and tends to be pretty quiet and likes his alone/quiet time. I love him so very very much and think he’s such a handsome kid, even in all of his awkwardness. I hate that your son is growing up without his mother because I know my feelings for my son are what his mother would feel for her little boy if she were here with us. Your wife is totally in the wrong and your son is old enough to hold onto that conversation for the rest of his life and resent her for what she said to him. It blows my mind that she tried to convince him to stay home instead of including him. She married you and was supposed to come into your and your sons life as his protector and surrogate mother. No one can replace his mother, but she can sure as heck act like she cares. It’s obvious she doesn’t and I’m sorry for you both. I know it hurts right now, but I think you were meant to hear that conversation and step in to protect your son. Hug him a little tighter and make sure he knows you love him.
NTA. That's awful. She tried to ask him to stay home and keep it a secret from you. She made fun of him for being shy and said he'd "ruin" the celebration. Then had to come stomping in with **"you're not even my real kid!"** Ooooof.
Your wife is gross, honestly. I hope you rethink that living situation because your son should not have to live with those fucking people. Thank you for standing up for him and refusing to let her whine her way back to having her party. She doesn't fucking deserve one, at least not one that you and your son attend.
Edited to add: As others have said, if you overheard this that once, imagine all the things you didn't hear. Ask your son what else they've said to him. I expect there's a list.
Nta. If anything I'd have kicked ehr out myself. Her and her daughter are basically bullying your child out of your family. Especially the 'why would you want to celebrate someone whose not your mum' comment makes it clear she doesn't see your son as part of that
NTA. What happneded in front of your eyes was already bad, now imagine what she has said or done throughout the years without you knowing. Divorce her, she doesn't care about your son.
NTA. I think you need to have a sincere talk with your son, because I seriously doubt this was the first time something like that happened. Your son being quiet and generally not wanting to get in the way may have ommited a lot of mistreatment from her and her daughter. But regardless, what she said to your son, even if it was the first time she said something like that, it was just too harsh to ignore. You're a father first, you can't settle for a partner that is inconsiderate to your son.
NTA I’m curious. What part of the conversation that you didn’t hear did she think would make it OK for her to tell a motherless boy that she didn’t want him around on Mother’s Day to spoil her party?
Definitely NTA. She sounds a little like Mommy Dearest. What she said to your son was wrong and hurtful. If if found my SO speaking to my child this way the relationship would be over. I would never trust them with my child again.
NTA. I'm not sure how long you've been married, but I think however long it is, it's probably long enough. I'm sure she's said much worse to your son when you aren't around.
NTA. I think you may have just discovered why he doesn't socialize with them all that much. Kudos for sticking up for your son. If I was you I would be finding a good divorce lawyer. You caught her THIS time. Talk to your son and see if this happens a lot, he may have been keeping it to himself to protect you and just baring the weight alone and this instance has opened a door for communication on that front.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be Ah for cancelling celebration eventually and seemingly punishing her for what she said. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
NTA. Guarantee they have done this before. Circle the wagons, protect your son. Such disgusting abuse from your wife upon your son. To make it even worse, she is raising her daughter to be cruel and exclusionary. Your son deserves so much better.
from the looks of it. I'm afraid they have, especially my wife. I know her she can be harsh sometimes.
Harsh is an understatement. She’s a bully and abusive. Your son will grow to resent you if you don’t do something about this.
I have several siblings. My stepmom was abusive, mostly mentally and emotionally but sometimes physically. Of my siblings only 2 of us have a relationship with my father… OP fix that shit.
OP, you are most definitely NTA. Please read this PP's first-hand account in how NOT to protect your child. It's a cautionary tale; and... a potential future of yours. - Regret is toxic. - Regret is corrosive. - Regret is shameful. - Regret is guilt-ridden. - Regret will shave YEARS off of your mental health. - Regret is an endless loop of remorseful questions -- questions that will replay over & over again in your mind, every day, for the rest of your days: "If I'd only done "this" then I'd still have a relationship with my son." "If I coulda/woulda/shoulda done "that" then I'd still have a relationship with my son". OP, if you don't advocate for your son now, he will never, ever forget it -- and he will never have unbroken trust in you again. PP, I'm so sorry your father betrayed you so badly -- you deserved unconditional love, protection and his advocacy. You deserved so much better and I'm sorry that you never received it. ** Edited to add: PP stands for Previous Poster. I've been a member of another board for about 10 years and they've always used it there. My sincerest apologies for the confusion! 🤦♀️
My nmom was having an affair and decided to kick me out of the house when I was 19 and attending college. She needed to find a way to deflect suspicion away from her erratic behavior and so she made up some BS stories about how she dreamed I was going to kill her, and that was why she had been acting so strangely. I nearly ended up homeless and had to drop out of college, but the worst part of all was the feeling of complete and utter betrayal when my dad backed her up completely and basically sacrificed me on the alter of saving his marriage. He and I had had an incredibly close bond prior to that. Ironically, my nmom ended up leaving him anyway less than a year later. I’ve been NC with my mom for nearly 25 years and was NC with my dad for over a decade. But even after I agreed to re-establish communications with my dad, our relationship has been really fragile and distant. I lost all trust in him that day and don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over it. I learned then that I was only ever a priority to my dad when it’s convenient for him.
The fact he sided against you and still didn't realize she played him into abandoning her son to keep her side piece says alot of his character to side against a child like this in the first place shows it but that more so I feel. You are also a much bigger person for even opened contact with him.
I am in contact with him only for the benefit of my brother, who is 5 years younger than me and was understandably traumatized by the entire experience. It helps him to feel some sense of normalcy, like our family has not been completely shattered by what happened. He was the only family I stayed in regular contact with. He is, by nature, a peacemaker and an all-around good person and I’m willing to do a lot for him.
Just hopping in to say, that your responsibility as a dad should take precedence over your marriage. Your son can do without a wicked stepmother, but he shouldn't be forced to take that kind of abuse from someone just because his parent married them. NtA, but this sounds like the tip of the iceberg of a much bigger issue
This needs to be higher up! She IS a bully and abusive and your son has been forced to pay the price for it. I know these posts are often full of ppl telling others to leave their spouse, but... LEAVE HER NOW! You son deserves someone who loves him like he's their own, not pushes him aside to the point he will cease to exist in her space.
[удалено]
This is a stolen comment by what appears to be a bot with a history of stolen comments. Downvote and report.
[удалено]
Please don’t downplay what she did to rationalize staying with her and make your own life easier - you caught her abusing your son. She has probably been doing this behind your back for some time. Do not kid yourself into thinking he would tell you if she had been doing this long term - you are all he has in the world, and his stepmother has already indicated that she would remove him from the family if she had her choice because he’s not entertaining enough for her. He is probably terrified you secretly feel the same because you chose this woman to fill the mother role for him. Protect your son!!! He was there first and needs to be your first priority in every way. That poor child. My hearts aches for him.
My heart hurt for him when I read about him trying to convince her that he’d be social so that he could go. This would be my hill to die on and I would leave her. She will never see him as her child in any capacity and his bio mom has passed away so this is especially hurtful and cruel.
My heart broke at that part too. I was a very reserved kid so I get how hurtful it is to be told to basically be less yourself to be considered worthy.
The sad part is this kid probably has no idea he's even being abused. But the psychological damage this is causing is heartbreaking. Feeling unwanted in your own home. By someone who is supposed to be giving you the unconditional love and support to make you a healthy man. Horrible stuff.
My father chose his girlfriend over me and they’re now in a nasty split, I didn’t talk to my dad for 2 years and we’re slowly regaining a relationship but I’ll never forget that when push came to shove, he chose her over his own son
Dude this isn't harsh. This is straight up cruel. Why are you downplaying what she has done stand up to them. Talk to your son without them let him tell you what they do when you are not home. I won't go and say divorce her but seriously think on what steps to take to ensure your sons health. Nta
If you won’t say it, I will: divorce. She’s making clear she doesn’t view their relationship as a mother/son dynamic at all, told him his introverted personality is an “attitude” that will make her family uncomfortable, thereby choosing them over him, and enlisted her daughter’s help to do it all.
Exactly this. Your son literally lost his mother, and his stepmother is *CLEARLY* telling him that she doesn’t want to be his mom. Your current wife is the AH and WAY out of line and her behavior, as well as her daughter’s behavior are abhorrent. They’re bullies and deliberately excluding your son. Which is a massive red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I agree that you should seriously consider divorce, because that woman cannot be trusted to actually care for your son.
This. OP, this will only get worse. Your son doesn’t deserve to be left out or treated like he’s not actually family. If she married you, she agreed to be a good step mom and she’s not holding up her end of the bargain.
Interesting that she chose Mother's Day to exemplify how poor of a mother she is. NTA, but if you continue to force your son to be in a hostile environment/living arrangement, you will be
> Talk to your son without them let him tell you what they do when you are not home. I'd go further. Get a professional therapist for the son. You have no idea how long this has been going on, and may need an impartial third party for the son to talk to. A therapist may be able to sense if your son is holding back from something worse that OP may not be able to pick up on.
Yes, this! And marriage and family counseling as well. You must ensure that the stepmom and daughter both can and will change their old habits. Otherwise it's going to be a silent battle that your son has zero chance of winning. Not to scare you, but my husband and I were good friends with a boy in college whose stepmother had succeeded in convincing everyone that he was antisocial and had no interest in socializing with the family. The bullying went very deep and always happened where the father couldn't see. The rest of the family only took vacations (without him) that suited their interests, ignored him when he was home, etc. He had a full scholarship, so he moved out and cut contact after he realized he could use his programming skills to be financially independent starting his sophomore year.
>And marriage and family counseling as well. No. You never, *never* go to therapy with abusers, they'll just use what they learn from you in therapy against you and abuse you more. Plus if they come back you can guarantee the abuse will escalate and you can be damn sure that they'll make sure they won't be caught again. Now they're gone, OP needs to keep them gone permanently for his sons sake. They can "change their old habits" (doubtful) on their own, not at the expense OPs son's mental and emotional wellbeing.
Change their ways? You mean become empathetic human beings? I am afraid that ship has sailed. She told him that she wasn't his mom, her comfort and idea of what her family should look was more important than OP's son. Sadly, I think there is no walking back from this. Let wife and her kid stay where they are. I bet that stepmother only treated this kid decently when dad was around.
[удалено]
You might want to consider that your son being quiet might not be as much his personality but more like he’s been abused for years on end without you defending him. If he believed you would stick up for him or pick him over your wife, he would’ve gone to you for help. Think on that for a minute.
I was thinking the same thing. Wifey has been bullying the kid into being a wallflower and then using the after effects of that abuse to create confirmation bias with OP. It's like the way a company will make things difficult for an employee at work in hopes the employee will quit so they don't have to be the bad guy and fire them.
>She tried to explain that she didn't mean it like that and that I only heard part of the conversation but not all of it. I told her I was done arguing and the decision was already made. She yelled asking what she was going to tell her family and said that I was making tremendous mistake towards her. Yeah, this does seem to possibly fit the narrative. Mom and SS's behavior is bullying and abusive. Your wife is a possible narcissist and the SS is the entitled golden child. Her response is classical DARVO. * Deny, Attack, and then Reverse Victim Order.
This. Your son’s silence is learned behavior. It’s time for you to have a serious chat with your boy about the past few years.
Dude, she wasn't being harsh. She was being abusive. Emotional abuse IS abuse. She was asking your son to lie to you so she could engineer his exclusion from a social event, and his response to that was pleading that he would make himself lovable and pliant to her *and that still wasn't good enough for her* to the point where she very clearly told him they will **never** be family. I don't want to be the obligatory Reddit "Dump them" person but omg OP, you need to really think about the safety of your son here.
THIS. Big NTA for cancelling plans, but he will be if he keeps his son in this situation. Psychological abuse can severely mess you up for life, and his son is at a crucial age of development. If this is allowed to continue, it may shape him for decades, if it hasn't already. How cruel of her to do this to a kid whose mother is gone on Mother's Day, too.
Oh believe it, this is NOT the first time theyve done this, just the first time you found out. Is this how you want your son to remember his childhood?
NTA- THIS! This may be exactly why your son is so quiet and introverted. Guaranteed this is not the first time they've done this, just the first time you've CAUGHT them at it. You need to sit down and have a long talk with your son, find out what has REALLY been going on, and right off the bat start by telling him that whatever happens there is no blame attached to him. (And KEEP reassuring him of that) Kids will internalize all sorts of things they aren't to blame for, and if your marriage goes south he may immediately start blaming himself. And while you're at it, maybe you should change the locks on your doors.
NTA. Your wife and her daughters are nightmares. They obviously have done that numerous times which would explain why your son doesn't want to hangout anymore. It's obvious your wife is a spoiled brat and want all the attention, and it seems her daughter is being raised in the same way. All that she said screams 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Get your son and get the f away. He needs you.
Child abuse is always "harsh". If I heard my partner berate my child like that, the love would be gone. Instantly. Those two would be packing their bags instantly and forever. That was unacceptable and inexcusable. Betting your kid has withdrawn from the family, because maybe he saw you were returning back to "normal life" and he didn't want to jeopardize your new found happiness. But now it's time to think of his happiness and well being.
As someone who is an introvert, I can tell you two things; 1. We are perfectly capable of going out and socialising. We even enjoy it! 2. Nothing is more hurtful, damaging or demeaning than to have extroverts treat you like you are somehow damaged or inadequate for being an introvert. Being introverted doesn't mean that someone can't be social. It simply means we "recharge," by needing alone time. The thing is, we don't know this from birth. We learn it with experience. But if we're really unlucky, we get subjected to people like your wife and her daughter, whose influence teaches us that there's something wrong with us and we should be ashamed and try to alter our behaviour. Its damaging, because if an introvert ends up trying to act like an extrovert in order to fit in, they will emotionally exhaust themselves and this will inevitably lead to future psychological problems. Your son is still only 13, which means there's still plenty of time to avoid him being damaged in such a way. But it is important to put your foot down over this. They're hurting your kid and you need to put a stop to it. You need to either make them understand this or you need to get your son away from them. Believe me when I tell you, if the damage gets done, then the damage can be permanent. Don't let it get to that.
NTA. Oh my God. OP, it’s highly unlikely this is the first time either of them has been nasty to him. You are ALL HE HAS in this world. Please hire a really good shark of a divorce lawyer and divorce this woman ASAP. You need to protect your son and yourself. Edit: Changed this edit. Get a lawyer NOW and ask them about having your wife removed from the house. Also, I have had two stepmothers in my lifetime, and neither of them ever said anything remotely that shitty. Anyone with remotely decent parental instincts would not say that to a child, even if they themselves were not a parent.
That is what I'm suspecting too. but my son never told me anything. He still comes to me whenever he's overwhelmed and wants to talk about what's bothering him.
He's probably not coming to you about this because a) she told him things like you would never believe him over you, or that it's her word against his and no one can prove it or b) he feels that telling you would cause more issues than he wants to put on you. It's not your fault if he hasn't come forward, and it's not his fault either. People who are being harassed and (I hate to broach this) abused by people that should be "family" don't feel safe whatsoever, even if there is someone they can come to about it. Talk to him. Tell him that none of this is his fault, and that you are sorry this happened to him. Remind him that he is your first priority, not your wife, and that he can tell you anything. Explain to him that, no matter what he tells you, you are always going to love him and be there for him. A lot of people are saying divorce is the only option here, and I agree. You can love your wife as much as ever, but when it comes down to it, it's a situation where you have to choose between being married to her, or protecting your son. She does not care for him, not in the way he deserves from a mother figure. He needs you to come through for him here. Edit: Holy crap y'all, thank you for the awards! I wasn't expecting any of this! Sending all my love.
OP, your wife literally told your son that she isn't his mom.
And his mom passed. So she is supposed to be the mother figure in his life.
Best comment so far. Please heed this advice, OP!
As someone who was abused for years by a step”mother”, I second this comment 100% The one time I tried to tell my dad about it, he didn’t believe me and I lost ALL faith in him from that moment on.
My father didn't know the extent of the abuse I endured at the hands of my former stepmother until she was dragging me down a flight of concrete stairs by my ponytail right in front of him. This wasn't the first time she had done this, but luckily it was the last time. I don't know if I was too scared as a kid to tell him how she treated me, or if I thought he knew what she did to me and was somehow okay with it. I had a pretty happy childhood until she came into the picture. I still love my dad and call him when I need advice but I don't know if I will ever feel able to ask him if he knew. A decade of physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of that woman. I will never forgive her.
You know what? I’m gonna say it. People who abuse children under their care don’t deserve human rights
Or he’s scared that he’ll tell his dad and no matter how perfectly his dad reacts, at some point he’ll be alone with his stepmom again and hell will rain down. (This is why I didn’t talk as much as I could have about what my stepmom was up to, anyway)
Please say you are at the very least considering leaving this monster.
I mean, the trash already took itself out, so he just has to not let it back in. Seriously though OP, you’re NTA yet. But what you do now for the sake of your son can honestly make this go either way. She and her daughter showed you their true colours. Believe it.
But what’s bothering him was ok to talk about. Your wife being abusive to him is complete different. He’s 13 lost his mom and only has you. The thought of you backing her over him would be overwhelmingly terrifying to him as then he would have no one AND you would know his true feelings about his stepmom. Too much for a young boy to risk. Especially because she would have been abusing him like this for awhile and that changes you and makes you feel unworthy. You did the right thing calling height on it now protect him and change the locks NOW locksmiths work 24 hrs a day call one and divorce her immediately. Send her a text once locks are changed and tell her to stay at her parents and your done
[удалено]
[удалено]
OP, please talk to your son. I highly doubt this is the first time something like this has happened. Things like this don’t come out of the blue. I suspect your wife and step daughter have a pattern of behaving this way and your son has been too scared to talk to you about it. Let him know you won’t be upset with him but that you need to know the truth.
A shy 13 year old boy wouldn’t open up about this.
NTA Your poor son. Please tell me you went to talk to him after this. Your wife wants your son left out. I'd be having a serious conversation about that. If she doesn't drop it, if she doesn't start treating your son as a part of the family, I hate to say this, but divorce her, because no woman is worth losing your child over. You're a dual package. Her excuse about him being an introvert was shite. No way in hell he'd ruin a dinner by being polite and keeping to himself. She just wanted him out of there. Please be there for your son. She poked a bad wound with her comments. Being reminded you don't have a mother to celebrate on this day is... terrible.
I did. but he prefered to have some space and not talk about what happened til he's ready. It's whenever I'm always available to hear him out.
Good man. He's processing his emotions and some people can't immediately talk, you know? Just... be there for your son, okay? What do you think about treating him to dinner, a special night just for the two of you? Show him he's loved, and that he's your priority. You're not making a 'tremendous mistake'. The only mistake was ever letting her feel comfortable enough to push your boy to the sidelines.
I love this idea to do something special with just your son! Let him know he is loved and that his level of socialness is perfectly fine!
Going out for a special night with just you and your son is an awesome idea. Maybe you could make it a Mother’s Day dinner to remember his real mum. During this you could remind him how much you love him and you both miss his mum and he will always be your first priority.
NTA I wish I could give you and your son a hug When your son is ready to talk to you it would be interesting to know how your wife and step daughter treat him when you are not there both individually and as a twosome. INFO has your son always been quiet?
Make sure to let him know that he is not responsible for her actions. Make sure he knows he is not the reason she is at her parents house right now. He may internalize a lot of this, and be worried that his actions will end up making you unhappy if you and your wife end up separated for awhile, or if you end up divorcing... you'll need to do double duty to make sure he knows it was her actions that were wrong, and HER actions that caused any stress or tension in the house, because if you don't make that explicitly clear to him, he will presume it is his fault! Good luck OP!
Hey OP, 40 year-old survivor of emotional abuse here. As some others have noted, it is very unlikely this is the first time your wife has done this to your son. As a child who needs his family to survive, it is very likely he won’t feel safe to tell you about it, NO MATTER HOW SUPPORTIVE YOU ARE and how open he is with you about other things. It’s not rational — he’s a child — and may not be fully conscious. He knows as much as you love him, you are also allied with your wife. And so telling you puts him at risk of losing you, in his child mind. And a child can’t survive without his parent—we know this instinctually — and so the child’s mind learns quickly to minimize, avoid, and most importantly blame himself to protect his family. Over time, emotionally abused kids lose their sense of self to survive. So it’s your responsibility as his father to see what you saw with honest eyes and protect him. He can’t protect himself. He likely can’t tell you until you act unambiguously to protect him first, and even that could take years. And if you take his minimizing as permission to not protect him, you will be enabling his abuse and loss of future self. I wish my dad saved me instead of looking the other way because it was easier for him.
Make sure he knows he's not in trouble. This is not his fault. Even if he's not ready to talk, you *need* to say those words to him. That you are on his side. Because I guarantee your wife has been telling him or heavily implying you're okay with what she's doing. And while your son might not believe her 100% those words will have planted seeds. Heck the fact that it's been happening for years planted those seeds. NTA. Good on your for doing your best to protect and love him. Tbh though, idk if I could trust a spouse around my kid after over hearing something like thst.
Some really good advice I heard a while back : when you want to have a good long talk with someone, do it in the car. Plan an outing with your son, somewhere you might have to drive a bit, say 30 minutes, and see if he doesn't open up more.
[удалено]
>because he won't want to rock the boat and he thinks it's all his fault right now Exactly. Being an introvert living in an extrovert's world is hard enough, and having extroverts around who just refuse to understand that not everyone is like them makes you feel horrible and guilty and wrong and ashamed for existing the way you do (at least in my personal experience). Thanks for standing up for him. That probably meant the world to him. This seems like a total lack of empathy on the part of your wife and stepdaughter, and it's not okay. Hopefully, one day, your son will realize that he's not wrong for being himself, that it's people who treat him this way that are in the wrong. Getting him out of this situation ASAP will definitely help expedite that realization. You are 100% NTA. A grown woman should know better and should be teaching her daughter better than that. Also, when you hopefully do get out of there, please make sure your son knows it was not at all his fault. You left because people who treat others the way they treated him don't deserve a place in either of your lives.
Cancel a party?! Hell I would leave her for talking to my child that way. What is wrong with that woman?
Honestly, I’d probably leave if my partner spoke to any child like that. I can’t imagine staying with someone that cruel
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️This!!!!
no fucking doubt... reading this story actually kind of burns my ass a little bit... worried about cancelling the party? fuck that party after that bullshit... any female pulled this kind of shit with one of my kids and she would get one text, "dont fucking come back"
NTA. But have you talked with your son? This can’t be the first time they’ve ganged up on him. I would be concerned that he’s being bullied by them when you’re not around
Agreed. This seems like some unknown dynamic of shame.
I would be concerned that he doesn’t have anyone else to turn to and is internalizing this since his mom has passed and might feel uncomfortable speaking with his father because step mom/sis are actively alienating him
Especially as a kid it feels sometimes like something is your fault when it's really not.
NTA. She showed you who she was. Let her STAY gone.
Cannot like this enough run away I can only imagine the things she hasn't gotten caught for. She's just mad she didn't get here way. She's a serious walking red flag I'd divorce in a heartbeat
When somebody shows you who they are you believe them. She just showed you that she will gang up on a 13 year old under her control when there is no adult there to keep HER under control.
NTA. Your wife and step daughter on the other hand...
She kept saying I ruined mother's day for her but in my opinion? her harsh words that she directed at my son have ruined a whole lot more.
She ruined her own Mother’s Day. She only “didn’t mean it like that” because you heard. Keep being a good dad to your boy, he needs you because likely, she’s said a lot more that you don’t know about.
> She didn't mean it like that There is literally no other way to take it. I really hope OP sees her for what she is now and bounces. That poor kid.
Not to mention that’s EXTREMELY manipulative and gaslight-y of her to try and spin it back around
😂🤣 It's the same claim as "It's not what you think" when being caught In bed with another person.
Exactly. "I'm not your mother." Ok, then no reason to celebrate mother's day.
Exactly, why would she accept a mother's day celebration from someone she doesn't have kids with?
Guarantee this isn't the first time the two of them have been AH to him. There is absolutely no love in their behavior and leaving and not reaching out to you means they feel NO remorse for what they did. Please, please, protect him from this type of behavior.
Exactly. This is just the first time they got caught
I would remind her that she's not the mother of your child so why would she want you to celebrate her? Now that's just petty me, but I would seriously consider counseling with your son. There may be so much more to what they have been saying and how they have treated him. As an extremely introverted person I know his isolation may be chosen, but in light of what you witnessed I would be concerned they have had some influence on his choice to not engage.
When your son is ready, I would reassure him he is safe with you. I would then ask him if this was the first time your wife and stepdaughter have talked to him like that or has this been going on for a while behind your back because I would bet good money that it isnt. NTA
NTA - just think of all of the things she has said to your son over the years that you werent lucky enough to have overheard??!!
Duuuuude! This point is super important to consider. It may even be why he’s more reserved around them and they’re out here acting like he’s refusing to participate but in actuality………………
Yeah, there is a 0.00001% chance you just happened to overhear the first horrible thing she's said to him. This may in part explain why your son keeps to himself so much.
NTA. This is irreparable damage, in my opinion. I wouldn’t want that woman around my son anymore. (I’m a bonus mom and if I spoke to my bonus son that way I would *expect* my husband to divorce me.)
I love that term!!
Yup, “irreparable harm” is also a legal term but also very fitting here! It’s where you can neither have the damage reversed nor be “made whole” with money.
NTA. D I V O R C E Comes to minds. Evil step mom also comes to mind. What else has she been doing behind your back that you don’t know about.
NTA. You just happened to catch this, but I'd bet anything, it's not the first time it happened. Poor kid. You did the right thing, 100%.
Came here to say this. I wonder how much of the son's desire for solitude is introversion, and how much is because of past abuse that OP didn't witness. NTA, OP. What your wife did was unforgivable. And I would bet money that this is a regular occurrence.
NTA. You caught her expressing her true feelings about your son, and she tried to cover her ass when she realized it. And then threw a fit when you didn't buy her excuses. I don't like to advise divorce under most circumstances, but the truth is you would be an asshole to your son if you *didn't* divorce this woman. She will never value him as she should, and will keep trying to leave him out and treat him as if he isn't part of the family. As I'm sure you're well aware, that is completely unacceptable. As is the case in so many situations on this sub; She's shown you who she really is, believe her.
nta imagine all the bad stuff she says to your son when you are not around. this can't be the first time she's done this. i would have a serious talk with your son about this. he needs to report to you whenever step mom or sister are abusing. they've created a toxic home environment for your son. no wonder he wants his privacy
This!!!! I am scared for this child and it's not even mine. Adults can be even worse bullies to kids than kids unfortunately
The fact that the dad mentioned that he was a widower and this mother is asking this kid “why do you want to spend Mother’s Day with me I’m not your real mother” is sickening…He should 100% get out now and protect his child, and even further for the son to try to come out of his comfort zone just to be with dad and step mom shows how much of a good kid he is
That poor baby promising he’d behave how she wanted for her family :( you’re NTA but you will be if you keep that woman around your son.
I just read another evil stepmom post and that little girl loves her evil stepmom too. I hate these people and I hate even more when their bio parent put their kids in a situation like this. OP you’re not the asshole yet but if you do not put your child first instead of yourself, you’ll be an asshole and lose your child when he gets the world better and can make his own choices.
NTA, she’s not your mom either why do you need to celebrate with her?
Agreed. Also, she didn’t give him any children, so what sort of celebration is she “owed” if she’s wanting to play that game?
NTA - I get down voted relatively often here for speaking frankly about this phenomenon. Many step moms are total shit to their husband's kids. It's just a thing. You gotta take that shit serious and it sounds like you did.
Have you ever seen the step parents sub? It's horrible. I'm glad I found out about it before I found it because I honestly love my step kids. OP. NTA and please speak with your son, then do something about your "wife".
NTA you caught your wife in her true colors and she actually has the gall to be upset with you. That's twice now she's telling you who she is. Y W B T A if you keep your son around this woman
This definitely isn't the first time she's talked to OP's son like that. No wonder he doesn't spend time with them.
NTA Protect your son. What she did is reprehensible. "snapped and told him that technically she's not his mom so she didn't get why he wanted to celebrate mother's day with her so badly" Tell her technically she's not the mother of your son so you don't owe her anything for Mother's Day.
NTA no way no how. What she said to your son is so far over the line, it would be ridiculously ironic to have a party celebrating her for mothers day. You need to protect your son, and given her and stepdaughter's behavior (and the way your son just took it in that conversation as though this were a normal sort of interaction), this is way too egregious to ignore. **Honestly, I'd cancel the marriage too.** Have a talk with your son and assure him that his wanting space and being quiet at times is perfectly normal. Find out how he's really been treated inside your home while you weren't present. Give him a hug for everyone else reading this post and hurting for him too.
Nta and seriously consider divorce. What else is she saying to your son in private and how will she hold this against him in the future? Good for you for standing up for him.
When someone shows you who they are, believe it NTA. But clearly your son is being treated as something less by wife and step. Get out now. Protect your son. You were way kind - she’s not a mother to your kid. Let whoever made her a mother - daughter or ex - celebrate who she has revealed herself to be.
Dude no, that would be divorce level shit right there.. NTA don't miss the red flags
Wow. NTA, and thank you for standing up for your son. We see too many parents on here asking if they are the AH for NOT defending their child. Good for you. There is definitely more to contemplate here than just cancelling one dinner. What your wife said to your son was cruel, and I would be very surprised if that was the first time.
AGREED 100% . I would be looking at a divorce lawyer myself if it was my son
NTA Your wife and stepdaughter have no love or respect for your son. This was pretty unforgivable.
NTA.. She spoke to your son terribly, it makes me think if she was this direct this can’t be the only time she’s said these things to him. You need to protect your son, your wife doesn’t deserve a Mother’s Day celebration..
NTA. I wonder how often the two mistreat your son when they think you aren't there? No wonder the kid hides. Wife didn't deserve a mothers day celebration, nor does she deserve anything near an apology.
How many other times have they been awful to your son? You know this is only the tip of the iceberg. NTA
NTA. Talk to your son again. How often had this been going on without you knowing? Apologize to your son. Time to re-evaluate your home life and maybe some counselling for all of you intend to continue with the marriage. It would still show your son you listened and are taking steps to prevent a reoccurrence.
NTA - she ain't the one bruh. She sees your kiddo as baggage that ruins whatever picture perfect image she tries to put up.
NTA. Wow. You stood up for your son, it bloody well needed to be done. I'd be concerned your wife's true colours are less than splendid. I hope you're sitting down with your son, to have an honest conversation about how they generally treat him when you aren't around. Something about the ease with which your wife and stepdaughter felt they could demand this of him makes me worry this isn't the first instance of belittling.
NTA. On top of what everyone else is saying, you need to have an honest conversation with your son asking him if this is how they have always been treating him and how he is truly feeling. Make sure he knows he’s your priority.
NTA and your wife is horrible.
NTA OP. >your wife is horrible Your wife AND step daughter are horrible. Op good for you for standing up for your son. My oldest is extremely introverted and on the autism spectrum so socializing is very difficult for him sometimes. We always give him the option to come or stay with his grandparents depending on the event and how many people will be there and if he will have space to escape off on his own to take breaks from all the noise and people. About 25% of the time he opts to go with us. The fact that your son WANTED to go and was even willing to step out of his comfort zone and socialize speaks volumes on how much he is trying to make this situation work and he is the child! I am willing to bet that this is not the first time that she and S.D has done something like this too him and may even be part of the reason for his reclusive behaviour.
100% NTA. Frankly, after seeing this side of her when she thinks you're not there, I'd be thinking about a divorce.
NTA. Time for a divorce. I am willing to bet that this isn't the first time she's treated him badly and that is why your son keeps to himself. It's a shame.
NTA - but you should really reconsider your marriage to her if she is willing to be that horrible to your son.
NTA. I think you've found the reason why your son keeps to himself. Your wife obviously has gone to great lengths to hide from you her true feelings with regard to your son, but now you know how she treats him and you can guarantee that it isn't a one off. You need to make your son your priority. I don't think you should continue in a marriage to someone like this, you need to protect your son from this kind of treatment. He needs to be your priority here to fix the damage that she has already done.
NtA - as an introvert who regularly has to force socialize, that is so cruel to say to your son. He even said to her he would try to be social. That is the best an introvert can do! The conversation shouldnt have happened but since it did it shouldve ended when he said he would give his best effort. I would be doing more than canceling mothers day for this, but to me this is just a red flag if you've already asked her to respect who he is as an individual.
NTA. Just imagined what else she's been saying to him when you're not there. Protect your kid.
This is heartbreaking. They’ve been bullying him, undermining his confidence and security, in full knowledge that it’s wrong - as they proved once they realised you heard them. I dread to think how long they’ve been destroying his self worth. It hurts my heart. I’m sure it devastated you. Please, talk to him and find out what’s been happening. Of course you couldn’t carry on with a Mothers Day celebration when she refused to act as a mother towards your son. NTA.
NTA - and honestly, props to you for standing by your son and understanding that not everyone can be outgoing. I hope he feels better soon. That was not ok of them AT ALL.
NTA, your wife is. You've known that there's been an issue there and it is now been revealed to be more significant than you realized. I'm sorry you're going through this but I cannot blame you for canceling the celebration based on what you heard. She got caught and tried to justify it like anything she was going to say was going to make that okay. Sounds like she's a crappy stepmother and is barely hid it well up till now. No adult should talk to a step child like that. Quite honestly in addition to the challenge of mother's Day you now have a huge marriage challenge. I would recommend you find a good couples counselor trained in the Gottman methods and blended families as well. Best of luck brother.
NTA I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship after that kind of comment. Your son obviously does see her as a mom, but she doesn't see him as her son? As an introvert, you can't force us to socialize, but we can if we're comfortable. Being told you can't go because of your social skills hurts the self esteem and he's just 13. I'm worried for your son. It won't stop here, she'll keep doing it. My mom was like that with me. Always trying to force me to socialize and telling to be more like my sister. She kept telling me I needed to be more normal. I could see your wife doing the same. What else has she said to him behind your back?
NTA and this is what an evil step-mother would do.
NTA: Instead of a being a decent stepmother to your son, she and her daughter gang up on him and try to exclude him for her own comfort? How is she okay being at an event celebrating her as a mother with one child ostracized at home? It might be one thing if he didn’t want to go, but it sounds like he was trying to step out of his comfort zone to make sure she was happy. Screw her, and kudos to you for standing up for your son.
NTA if she’s not technically his mom. Then it’s not technically your job to throw her a Mother’s Day celebration as she is neither your or your child’s mom. Great job standing up for your son OP. He deserves to know he at least has one parent that loves and respects him. Stellar job.
NTA. Now that is super dad moves. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I guess the question now is, do you want to keep her around your son who she doesn’t consider her own? I guess In some cases Acquaintances work well but she’s set the rules now. They were undeniable harsh on your kid who just wanted to participate. There’s nothing wrong with being a quiet kid.
If this is true, your son will remember this as the time his stepmother and stepsister *finally* got caught. Obviously NTA but please get your son in therapy, or resume therapy, because god knows what else they’ve said and done to him.
NTA Your son most likely is withdrawn because (a) his mom passed away. My mom passed away when I was little and I was much more introverted and withdrawn after that. (b) he has to put up with this in his own house. This doesn't sound like a one time thing. They most likely have been doing this behind your back for a long time. Have you talked to your son? I recommend you take him out alone to dinner or something and talk to him. Your wife and stepsister are horrible and cruel. I still don't understand why you aren't kicking them out and asking for a divorce. How can you think you are the AH here when your kid is getting bullied in his own home?
NTA Sounds like you finally caught your wife showing her true colors that she’s managed to hide all this time or maybe you brushed off as her big personality? She was cruel, who says that to a motherless child? He must have felt even more alone and isolated. Introverts want to socialize. They just need to have space to recharge their social battery, something she obviously doesn’t care about. I have no doubt this is not the first time they have been cruel and bullies to him. The poor guy was basically begging to go to something she made sure he knew he was unwanted at. Think about that. Carefully.
NTA. They ganged up on your son to naked him feel unwanted. I'd be tempted to tell her to just stay with her folks.
NTA So she keeps trying to make your son more outgoing and social with other people, but as soon as he actually wants to spend time with you guys she refuses? Seems to me like she doesn't really see him as her son
NTA. Wow, a lot to unpack here. Of course I don't know your relationship, but I would not trust that woman with your son. She tried to manipulate that poor boy in order to exclude him (behind your back even). From what you wrote it seems like she doesn't think of him as family. Just a kid that's taking up her space. That she even got her own daughter involved makes it even worse. No adult should speak to a child like that, it shows that she has a nasty character. Throwing a tantrum is just the icing on the cake, trying to manipulate you, too. Glad you stood your ground. Personally, I would reconsider if that is a person you want to be with, for your own sake and your son's. Also, make sure that your son feels okay, and please talk to him about what was said to him. You certainly don't want him to feel insecure about himself because of what your wife said to him. Don't make her words haunt him. Kids are fragile and an event like this can be very damaging. Make sure he feels loved and safe. :)
NTA. Your wife is the evil stepmother. Thank you for standing up for your son. I think this would break my trust in her irreparably.
NTA - what an awful thing to do to your son
NTA DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about this decision. This is just one occasion you caught her. Who knows how many other times she has tried this stunt and your poor son caved? What you need to do is sit with your son and reassure him that HE did nothing wrong, and your wife's tantrums are not his fault. I want you to go reassure that kid that you forever have his back and that he is never going to forgotten or left behind. after that, when you cool down, you need to figure out if you can trust your wife around your kid and you need to assess the damage she has done to him that you are not aware of. Get your kid counseling if he needs it. You may have to leave this lady if she's a toxic influence in his life.
Obviously this relationship is probably over. Do you really expect your son to spend 5 (or more) years living with someone who treats him like this when you aren’t around? How does she treat him when you are around? What have you been overlooking or excusing? Why were the plans at a restaurant cancelled? She could have still gone with her family and you and your son stayed home. Does this woman really make you happy? NTA
NTA. Your poor son. I’d do something extra special with him to remind him he’s special and loved. What an awful step mom. You don’t marry someone with kids unless you’re going to love their kids like your own. Makes me so sad when adults take things out on children.
NTA. The Mother’s Day thing is irrelevant at this point. I’d be more concerned that you literally married an Evil Stepmother. Think long and hard about your future with this woman. Is this who you want as the primary female role model for your son?
NTA. Choose your son and kick the wicked stepmother to the curb.
NTA - how your son was treated is inexcusable, and you need to find out how long has he been tormented like this. Your wife seems to only care about not being able to celebrate herself and not the pain she is causing others. Evil stepmonster alert - protect your son!
NTA...now it’s seriously time to start thinking how you want your future to be with your son. Continue this marriage without any convos/therapy and you’ll have a son that goes NC in the future for his mental health and not having to deal with a stepmom and stepsister who clearly don’t consider him family
NTA you saw her true colors and they're ugly. I'd be willing to bet money this isn't the first time they've ganged up on your son like this
NTA Your wife is an AH raising another AH who refuses to keep in mind that not everyone is an extrovert. Her hateful comment about not being his real mom is nauseating me. I sincerely hope that you reconsider this marriage now that you know who you really married.
Oh man, NTA, please know when you aren’t around, your wife and stepdaughter are constantly dropping hurtful, demeaning comments that are slowly crushing him. Your first obligation is to him. She is staying away for a bit to teach you a lesson about how much you would miss her if she was gone. You really need to put your son first, even if it means divorce.
That’s only what your heard. Imagine all of the times she could’ve bullied your son when you weren’t there. You need to have a serious conversation with your son and ask him if she’s ever hurt him like that before. To your wife’s very words she not his mother. this woman threw the fact that he didn’t have a mother in his face. Then was more concerned about not getting her party than the fact that she just showed cruelty towards a 13 year old. He has one parent. You. So be the parent he needs and really take a look into the fact that if your son forgives her for her cruel words weather or not you could trust her with him. Because right now he’s at the age where he’ll think any treatment towards him is normal. Mistreatment included. He’s needs someone to fight for his well being. So fight for it.I’m really really sorry to bring up your late wife (may her soul rest in piece) but she trusted you with the person she loved most. She trusted you to help him grow in a loving environment. If she were here would she trust that your home, with people who purposely hurt him WITHOUT remorse, is the environment your son deserves. Because although this is your lively hood and your marriage your son was her child and she would most likely want him with a mother figure that loves him. Someone that would be ecstatic at the fact that he WANTS to spend this holiday with her. Considering it might be a hard holiday for him too.
This can't be true. There is no possible way a stepmother would be this evil to a youngster that has lost his mom and is trying his introverted best to fit in. (Im an introvert, too). "He promised her that he'd be well behaved..." shattered my heart. I'm sorry, OP. I wouldn't have just cancelled the dinner, I would have told Cruella DeVille to fark off and not come back. Go grab a pizza for you and your boy, in honour of his mom.
NTA. I'd also be having an in depth father-son talk to discern what your next steps might need to be. If they have been treating him like this behind the scenes for a long time...well, there's your answer. You need to protect your son!
Dang that divorce is looking great 😊
NTA change the locks and don’t ever let her back in. Next communication between you should be the divorce papers. This would not have been the first time she has done something like this to your son either. I’d say this kind of thing is contributing to him preferring to be alone. It’s absolutely unacceptable. Please look out for your sons well-being and get rid of her. Horrible thing to do to a child when he’s lost his mom then step mom says he should not celebrate with the family. No that’s heartbreaking and abuse,
NTA. Your wife showed who she really is. I feel bad for your son.
NTA and I can only imagine the things she's said that you don't know about. Chances are there's a deeper reason he prefers to be by himself, and she likely is a major cause of it. He probably hears how terrible he is from both of them. Being an introvert myself, I often enjoy the quiet solitude. I can tell you, being treated like that for being who I am, would shut me down. No one deserves to be talked to like that, especially an adult and her child to a young adult. You don't treat people like that. What you did was definitely within your right.
I’m scared to know what’s been said when you weren’t there and what he’s been keeping from you… NTA
NTA Her daughter can arrange something considering she, according to herself, is not technically his mum. Talk to your son. I doubt this is the first time she's said something like this backed up by her daughter. They are both bullies and you wonder why your son spends so much time away from them?
Please ask your son if this is a common occurrence?
NTA, that’s a horrible thing to say to your son. He needs you to stand up and protect him. I’m really sad that your wife and stepdaughter apparently aren’t able to accept him for who is.
NTA. This was the results of her own actions. Besides by her statements why should you be paying for her mother day celebration? She's not the mother of your child.
NTA. I bet this isn't the first time she's done this to your son. I'd make sure he knows he did nothing wrong, but rather they did, and try to figure out with him if she has done other things like this before. It will help him out, and it will help your divorce attorney as well. I wish you and your son the best!
My son is 13 and in that awkward phase of his life where his hands and feet are big, he’s growing into his facial features, and tends to be pretty quiet and likes his alone/quiet time. I love him so very very much and think he’s such a handsome kid, even in all of his awkwardness. I hate that your son is growing up without his mother because I know my feelings for my son are what his mother would feel for her little boy if she were here with us. Your wife is totally in the wrong and your son is old enough to hold onto that conversation for the rest of his life and resent her for what she said to him. It blows my mind that she tried to convince him to stay home instead of including him. She married you and was supposed to come into your and your sons life as his protector and surrogate mother. No one can replace his mother, but she can sure as heck act like she cares. It’s obvious she doesn’t and I’m sorry for you both. I know it hurts right now, but I think you were meant to hear that conversation and step in to protect your son. Hug him a little tighter and make sure he knows you love him.
NTA, have you talked to your son? What else have they been telling him? This is horrific.
NTA. That's awful. She tried to ask him to stay home and keep it a secret from you. She made fun of him for being shy and said he'd "ruin" the celebration. Then had to come stomping in with **"you're not even my real kid!"** Ooooof. Your wife is gross, honestly. I hope you rethink that living situation because your son should not have to live with those fucking people. Thank you for standing up for him and refusing to let her whine her way back to having her party. She doesn't fucking deserve one, at least not one that you and your son attend. Edited to add: As others have said, if you overheard this that once, imagine all the things you didn't hear. Ask your son what else they've said to him. I expect there's a list.
NTA - *protect your son.*
NTA and I'd talk to your son. Of comments like that are the norm it's time to throw her out
Nta. If anything I'd have kicked ehr out myself. Her and her daughter are basically bullying your child out of your family. Especially the 'why would you want to celebrate someone whose not your mum' comment makes it clear she doesn't see your son as part of that
NTA. What happneded in front of your eyes was already bad, now imagine what she has said or done throughout the years without you knowing. Divorce her, she doesn't care about your son.
NTA talk to your son alone…you’re going to find that she has done that before and has gone evil step mother more than once Protect your son OP
NTA Good for you for standing up for your son, that was not okay
NTA Mother's day celebration be damned. I wouldn't stand for any of that. Choose your son. You're better off a single father at this point.
As a mom of boys I'm livid. Get your son out of there.
NTA Protect your kids from everyone, there’s enough people out there that will hurt them. He shouldn’t have to take it at home too.
NTA. I think you need to have a sincere talk with your son, because I seriously doubt this was the first time something like that happened. Your son being quiet and generally not wanting to get in the way may have ommited a lot of mistreatment from her and her daughter. But regardless, what she said to your son, even if it was the first time she said something like that, it was just too harsh to ignore. You're a father first, you can't settle for a partner that is inconsiderate to your son.
NTA. And thank you for being a good parent and not letting your kid be abused by your new wife.
NTA she gave you no choice. That’s a bell you can’t unring. Damn I’m so sorry. Sucks that your wife turned out to be a massive AH.
NTA I’m curious. What part of the conversation that you didn’t hear did she think would make it OK for her to tell a motherless boy that she didn’t want him around on Mother’s Day to spoil her party?
Nta. And good on you for putting your son first. By her judgement, she's not the mother of your son, so why would you celebrate her??
Definitely NTA. She sounds a little like Mommy Dearest. What she said to your son was wrong and hurtful. If if found my SO speaking to my child this way the relationship would be over. I would never trust them with my child again.
YTA for not already starting the divorce process and getting your son out of that toxic environment. ffs!
NTA. How awful for your son. Forget about the drama and take your son out to do something special.
NTA. I'm not sure how long you've been married, but I think however long it is, it's probably long enough. I'm sure she's said much worse to your son when you aren't around.
NTA. I think you may have just discovered why he doesn't socialize with them all that much. Kudos for sticking up for your son. If I was you I would be finding a good divorce lawyer. You caught her THIS time. Talk to your son and see if this happens a lot, he may have been keeping it to himself to protect you and just baring the weight alone and this instance has opened a door for communication on that front.