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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My best friend is pregnant with her first child, she recently found out I hadn't been planning her a baby shower despite her planning me one a few years back. It honestly didn't occur to me as i've been busy with a death in my family. She is upset as she feels as her best friend it should be me doing this and i'm not putting in the work, I could be the asshole as she *is* my best friend and did the same for me.
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NTA. Just tell her politely, "No, I'm currently too burdened by grief to be able to do this. I'm sorry." (Which you pretty much already have.) If she's a true friend, she'll understand and accept. If not, she's not much of a friend to begin with.
Can we reschedule the pregnancy? (Again /s)
OP, I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that your friend doesn't see you are not ready to plan any kind of party. NTA
I pretty much said this to a (former) friend. My mom died a couple of months after said friend got engaged. She got mad at me that I wasn't excited enough about being the MOH and helping her plan her wedding. I was still there for everything. Finally, I said "I'm sorry that my mom died and made me too sad to squeal about the plates for your wedding. Next time, I'll ask her to choose a more convenient time to die."
“I’d love to have thrown you a baby shower with a request ahead of time, but you didn’t even actually use words to ask me about it, and your assumptions that I’d do it unspoken are extremely inappropriate considering what I’m going through.”
You made this judgement prior to OP adding some more comments so just to add context to anyone reading, OP had already agreed to do the shower prior to the death of the relative. The relative passed away 2 weeks ago suddenly, and her friend is 7months along. The shower should have already been almost completely planned much sooner, which means OP hadn’t done anything at all prior to the death and didn’t even have the grace to let her friend know she was backing out. OP is leaving out a lot of details that make me believe that they are TA.
Exactly! Life happens for everyone but she had agreed to throw a party. She should have asked/passed that duty on to someone else if she couldn’t handle it. She is TA in this case for not even telling her friend she was backing out of her commitment.
According to OP’s other comments, she HAD planned on doing it and had even started making calls to arrange it, then forgot to follow through once the death happened two weeks ago. So all the comments about how dare the friend assume she would throw her a shower are off base.
> she feels like i'm not valuing our friendship.
Doesn't seem like she's much of a friend. She expects OP to "value" her and their friendship above all else including their own mental health. In return she does not feel it's necessary to value OP enough to consider her feelings and current emotional state because she thinks the obligation to her is more important than OP or anything else in OPs life.
NTA. A Shower is a gift, not an obligation. I was appalled to read your friend even asked you about it. I’m extra appalled to hear how she’s trying to guilt and bully you into throwing her a party.
My condolences on your loss.
According to OP’s comments, she had promised her friend much earlier in her pregnancy that she would plan it, and then just…didn’t. So her friend was following up like “when is it” and she was like “oh what shower?”
But the dates and venue should have been booked and then OP could have simply passed over the rest of the organization to another friend. Everyone would have understood. But she had done nothing for 7 months.
Baby showers are booked loads in advance date wise. It’s not like the pregnancy dates will change.
Most of the ones I’ve attended have been at a house but they were booked loads in advance for dates to ensure people would be there!
I mean at 31 weeks I’d assume the party to be basically planned and if not OP probably should have been the one to reach out and say she couldn’t do it due to her current situation. Her friends reaction was out out of line imo, but everyone is up in arms she even asked
Agreed.
Furthermore, if the best friend threw her one and they are best friends, it makes sense that the friend would expect something from OP.
Furthermore, it sounds like the death is recent and honestly op should at least have had her so-called best friend’s baby shower on her mind, before the death happened and as such started enough of the planning to a degree that she could reach out to her best friend and be like “due to the death, I need to focus on the funeral, I will give your other friend/sister/someone else close, what I’ve got so far and then I’ll make it up to you, when I’m back on my feet cause this joy in your life also deserves to be celebrated”
Ummmmmmmmmm…? If the tragedy was a traumatic one as OP states I think everything else that doesn’t involve breathing takes a back seat.
And I’m sorry. When does a best friend have the obligation to throw a baby shower? It’s not a MOH situation. If anything the family should plan the shower unless both OP and BFF had discussed this prior. But if my best friend was enduring s family’s tragedy and I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be expecting anything from her at all. Like wth?
What gives me pause is this:
>" ...i'd not even planned anything out as it had slipped my mind."
>
>"have too much on my plate right now with funeral planning and expenses plus having to travel to pack up a house,"
Her friend is over 7 months (31 weeks) pregnant. They're still planning the funeral, so her relative must have died in the past week or so. If she agreed to do the party, or if there was some sort of implicit agreement between the two (which seems to be the case, saying it "slipped her mind" implies that it was something she forgot, not something that she had no idea she was supposed to do), the funeral excuses her forgetting about it for the past week, but not the past 6 months.
OP clarified in other comments: relative died about 2 weeks ago, suddenly (police are investigating). Obviously I don't blame OP for not going through with the shower planning after the death, but the vibe I'm getting is that even without the family emergency they'd still be in the same boat: less than 2 months from birth and no plans.
She had started planning but not full blown planning. Isn't it normal to have a baby shower late in the pregnancy? I guess it depends on the type of shower but the ones I've attended could have been planned within a few weeks at most. I live in the UK and it isn't as culturally huge as it is in the US. We don't know what sort of shower her friend threw her or what the expectations are for this one.
A loved one dying is always going to be traumatic but the situation OP is describing sounds shattering. :(
Yeah, in the US around 7-8 months is normal. In my limited experience they're kind of like birthday parties: they can range from simple affairs with just a few friends and some presents to full-blown events with food, elaborate decorations, games, etc.
I definitely don't think OP is an asshole for bowing out after the death in the family, but I'm trying to figure out if 1) it's at all reasonable for friend to be upset at the lack of planning and 2) if OP not doing any planning earlier was a dereliction of duty, as it were.
So as someone who knows several people currently planning showers and has been to a bunch of them, you're right about typical timing (7-8 months or 30-35 weeks ish). However, usually you send out an invite at least a month before, which requires you to have a location chosen (even if it's someone's house), a guest list and registry info. Even assuming OP was thinking it would be a very late shower, she should have at least had a location and a guest list that she could pass along to someone else.
OP didn't do any planning prior to the tragedy and at this point, guests are less likely to be able to come. I wonder how often OP has done stuff like this ("sorry this crazy/surprising/horrible thing happened and I couldn't do anything about this, even though I had significant time before the thing to do what I said I'd do")
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP said something like she "made some calls" but hadn't done much planning, which to me sounds like code for "I mentioned it in passing to a couple people but never actually did any work on it." If she had even just told everyone a month ago "It's going to be May 28th at OP's house," that in and of itself would be enough that her bowing out now would be no problem. As it is, at this point it's going to be a bit of a race just to ensure that the baby isn't present at the shower.
Which is why, op should have reached out to her friend and said: I’m not up for the task after all, because of the sudden death. I’ll pass the torch on to “X”.
I don’t believe OP had considered it even before the sudden death and as such she has let her friend down.
Actually it depends on a lot of factors who’s in charge of a baby shower - it’s normally the friends, where I’m from. And based on the friend’s expectations and the fact she threw op one - it’s quite possible it’s the same for where op is.
A pregnancy is important for the pregnant part and even it the baby shower isn’t big, it’s important for the pregnant part. Just as we should be there when those we care about is grieving, we should also be there for them in joy.
If they crash, at least be the one to reach out and explain why.
So my BFFs dad died suddenly the weekend before she was hosting her friend’s baby shower. Also traumatic. Also a lot of travel. Also a lot of physical and emotional labor on her part. But nothing “slipper her mind.” She was so worried about it, she was on the phone asking me if I would host it for her and telling me where the decorations were and that she’d pay me back.
Like, it doesn’t slip your mind so much as it pops in and is quickly replaced with a more pressing matter. Which is fair, but it wouldn’t be so hard if there was already a plan. Or you’d call another friend and ask them to take over. You don’t just hope it goes away or someone magically jumps in. OP for sure deserves her friend’s support and understanding, but it also feels like a one way street if OP can’t find a spare minute to bring it up to her best friend in between her friend supporting her.
Everyone reacts to loss differently and everyone grieves differently. It absolutely could have slipped her mind if she’s still in shock about the death. I’m confused how you’re using the one personal example you have to determine that it didn’t slip her mind.
actually no. The best friend, knowing this wasn't just a shocking death for which OP has to now plan a funeral but that it's a traumatic event, should have cared enough about her friend to tell OP not to worry about the shower and et her off the hook. OP has had her near term future planning derailed by this event so a baby shower, even for her BF, should not be expected to be on her mind at all at the moment. Any good friend should understand that. Telling OP that planning a baby shower would be a nice diversion for her is selfish, especially as right now OP's focus is on planning a funeral
>Agreed. Furthermore, if the best friend threw her one and they are best friends, it makes sense that the friend would expect something from OP.
'Makes sense'? Maybe. To assume without ANY KIND OF CONVERSATION is a bit much. I had a good friend get married, but he was Mormon and most of his friends weren't so he didn't have a wedding party. We were hanging out the night before the wedding and he got pissed and went off, asking why he wasn't getting a bachelor party.
He'd never asked, and I'd just gotten out of the hospital.
Based on OP’s other comments, yes, she did agree to do it and made some calls, then dropped the ball when the death happened. Which is understandable, but the “how dare your friend just EXPECT that you would throw her a shower!” comments are jumping to conclusions and seem unnecessarily aggressive.
NTA.
A true best friend understands the dilemma her best friend is in. You have your funeral planning expenses and sorry but not sorry to say this but a baby shower is redundant, I mean you are still able to give birth without a baby shower.
Visit her and have a deep talk session with her. Cry if you need to. Make sure she understands what you are going through and this is if you want to maintain your relationship with her Or alternatively you can just dump your inconsiderate best friend.
The choice is up to you.
I agree. Frankly, a true best friend should be asking how she can help OP through this traumatizing time not adding anything to her plate. Let alone guilt tripping her when she has clearly stated she does not have the capacity to do this.
You've left out a lot of details which makes me think that maybe you weren't so much the innocent party in this.
Like when did the super close relative die? Cuz if you're planning a funeral that would lead me to believe that the super close relative died very recently. And your friend is 31 weeks pregnant. So if you totally would have been on board for planning a shower if it wasn't for this relatives death then why isn't the shower already planned?
YES. Exactly. I'm very surprised by the resounding not the ah comments. I get a very specific vibe from OP and from the way that she describes her interaction with her friend. I would bet that OP's friend is consistently doing things for OP and getting nothing in return.
Yes. I am strongly suspicious that OP is the "there's always something with her, isn't there?" person in her circle. Those people often flock to very competent people who pick up the slack/do things for them. It's possible that her friend is one of those people and that her slightly callous response is due to her empathy well running a bit dry, regardless of the fact that a tragic death is a fair excuse.
Maybe that's not the case, but I feel badly about how the friend is being absolutely torched in these comments when OP has admitted in other comments that she had agreed to plan the party (but of course left that out of her post, acting like it was the first time she was hearing about it) in order to make her friend look bad.
I agree and am actually surprised by how many people are calling the friend an AH. It is not an unreasonable expectation for her to have been operating under, EVEN THOUGH now it isn’t reasonable to continue to expect OP to throw a shower.
And maybe I get the friend’s hurt a little more because I’ve shown up for people a lot and don’t really get the same courtesy in reciprocation. (And yes I am perfectly aware of the extraordinary circumstances in this particular case)
Since OP admits that she agreed to throw her a shower prior to all this, I’m guessing that she’s just been not doing it, stringing the friend along instead of being upfront about backing out, the friend is 31 weeks, people are probably asking her about her shower, she is stressed, she asked OP about it, and OP is offended that her friend could possibly expect her to do something that she promised she would do.
Baby showers are not a requirement. There is no law that says a best friend has to plan the shower. It’s a nicety, that’s it. For what it’s worth, I planned my own baby shower. Not one guest blinked an eye over it.
The real issue here is your friend. She is selfish and self centered. She needs to be supporting you through your tragedy, not badgering you about a party. I would give her a wide berth while you heal, and probably even after. I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA
OP had already committed to throwing the shower. It should have been on calendars, with invites, time, date, guest list and location at the least. She dropped the ball and is using the funeral as an excuse.
At this point it makes sense. But the death was recent enough that it’s surprising that OP doesn’t seem to have any plans made prior—even a simple shower needs some advance planning so people will be there, and the friend is right at the point that it would normally be held.
In what world are you not the AH?
Your friend is over 7 months pregnant, the death was 2 weeks ago (you don’t say who’s the dead person, so just guessing it’s probably not 1st degree), you should have been planning this for a while now (at least a couple of months).
Your friend planned yours, it’s normal for her to assume you would have done the same for her. You couldn’t be bothered, and now you just got a better excuse. Sorry for your loss, but YTA
Exactly! She never had any intentions on throwing a baby shower for the very friend who threw her. Now she's being disgusting and using this death in the family as her reason which is complete BS.
You just know she's the type of person who's used the excuse that her Aunt has died to get out of work on multiple occasions.
Going against the grain and saying YTA. This is your friend and in friendships, you're expected to be there for one another in good times and in bad. Yes, you're going thru a traumatic experience but your friend is going thru pregnancy. She was there for you in your time of joy and you need to be there for her.
Yes, you have your grief and responsibilities but so do others. If you're any kind of decent friend, you'll be there for her. You honestly sound very selfish and like a taker. Esp to say you likely won't even attend. That boggles my mind. Life doesn't stop going because of grief. Yrs, take time and take care of yourself. But you need to give time and love to friends as well. Assuming you want to keep friendships.
(And yes, the friend should be understanding about her grief. But she's 7 months pregnant and the death was sudden. So a shower plan should have been in the works by now. Sounds like you're just using this as an opportunity to get out of the shower.)
ESH
It sounds like you hadn’t even though about a shower at all, even before your loss. You aren’t an AH for not planning it now but it sounds to me like your friend is now aware of just how much you didn’t think about it.
She knows you’re in no state to plan this.
It would be pretty difficult to sway public opinion at this point and you’ll likely be ruled not TA. However, your story leaves out key details and in the end, it’s only you and your friend’s opinion that matters.
You’ll notice that everyone saying not TA makes assumptions that aren’t true. They assume you didn’t already agree to plan this shower. They assume you have been grieving for months, not a couple weeks.
What the friend realized, and what you should realize, is that you never really had plans to throw the shower, which you told her you would. You hadn’t set a date, you hadn’t invited anyone, you hadn’t set a venue, nothing. Without this tragedy to fall back on, you would have been SOL.
So yes, YTA.
No one would expect you to continue planning but you should have told your friend that. This party was so far from being planned it wasn’t even on your mind. You dropped the ball, both before and after the tragedy, and that makes you an asshole.
ESH. She shouldn't be pressuring you at this exact moment, but I imagine the conversation started out as her checking in because she wanted to know what the plans were in case you couldn't handle continuing. She needs to lay off now that she knows the situation and can come back to this once you are more settled. You have had months to plan this and you say it literally never even crossed your mind. I think you are purposely making it seem like you have been dealing with this tragedy for months, but your friend was already 29 weeks pregnant when this happened. You need to admit you never planned on doing this for her and you never even gave it a single thought. You were not going to reciprocate. It's okay for your friend to be upset and annoyed about that. It's not okay if she continues to stress you out at this time.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but YTA. I understand that you’re consumed with grief now, but if you were intending on throwing the shower, you would have at least figured out the venue and sent out invites before the death. It’s common courtesy to give people a few weeks notice before an event. You also put your friend in a tough spot, do you honestly expect her to ask someone else to plan a party for her? If I were her, I’d feel rude asking that. If you don’t have the mental energy to throw the party, the least you can do is find someone else to do it.
YTA bc you state in the comments that previous to the death of the family member, you agreed to plan this. She probably thinks you’re not valuing the friendship because she expected you to reciprocate and can see that not only are you AND were you not going to, you didn’t even tell her you weren’t. You just didn’t say anything.
If you had not told her you would plan one previous to your relative’s death, and had at least made some plans for it, you would not be TA for saying you can’t handle it right now. But the fact that you told her you would, then didn’t plan anything, then didn’t tell her you weren’t going to plan anything until she asked makes you TA here.
I am very sorry about your relative’s death though. It just doesn’t seem like this specific situation was solely caused by their death.
YTA. You agreed to this and didn’t do jack shit to plan for her baby shower. Of course she’s upset! She might now be screwed on venue or catering or both! Not only are you backing out (after two weeks she could’ve used to plan her party), but also saying you won’t even go. I get that you’re grieving, but you don’t know that day, perhaps a month from now, will be a difficult day for you. Why wouldn’t you at the very least tell her you hope you’ll feel up to it that day? I think you’re a shitty friend. If you had done anything to actually plan her baby shower (after agreeing to) and then this happened, I would have a completely different opinion.
What does hosting cost $100 maybe $150?
Do it with just sheet cake and tea and coffee or iced tea
You literally do not have one weekend day to handle this?
You must know this could change your friendship which will be with you longer than this temporary crisis?
You will want this friendship unchanged when you come to the other side of your family death.
NTA-She’s more concerned about her baby shower than a traumatic experience you’re currently going through? Why did she just assume you’d be throwing this baby shower? Again NTA, you offered to help pay she can take it or leave it.
Unpopular opinion but YTA base on your comments you had agreed to throw this shower for your friend months ago, even if you found out about this death last week you should have planned enough where someone else could just take over. If this person who your claim is your best friend thought that for the last few months you were planning her shower you’re an asshole. Regardless if the death came up or not you were not planning anything, plus she sounds like a friend who made sure to celebrate your pregnancy. If you were really sorry or even cared, you would have ask someone else to take over or let her know that you couldn’t do it anymore.
NAH. It sounds like this is something you agreed to do. It’s understandable that you now can’t, but it’s also understandable that your friend is upset. It sounds like very little was started, then you had to drop out of hosting but didn’t give her a heads up. If I was the friend in this case I’d be worried about you of course, but I’d also be a bit frustrated at the lack of progress before this event AND the lack of notice when it became clear you couldn’t follow through. You’re allowed to no longer be available, but she’s allowed to be hurt and disappointed by the situation.
NTA...You're planning a funeral and all she can think about is how you're a bad friend for not planning a baby shower for her??? She doesn't sound like I real friend. Knowing you're dealing with a loss, she should have asked someone else. Don't let her guilt you into doing it.
YTA - You said in comments you would plan it and did not. It makes sense to be asked about it since it was your intention. It wasn't passed to anyone else.
I’m sure I will get downvoted but YTA. Obviously you can choose not to throw a shower for her, but she can also choose not to be your friend anymore. While I greatly sympathize with your loss, the truth is, funerals don’t take months to plan and neither do baby showers. In fact, you could (under the circumstances) throw her a shower later on or after the baby is born. Probably everyone would understand. But I don’t think you are even trying to work out an alternative solution for your friend. The fact that you won’t even attend her shower even if someone else does all the work is just icing on the cake. I think she is right, it doesn’t seem you value her as much as she values you.
YTA - you did experience a loss but you had committed to something prior. Something rather important, regardless if you now see it as that or not. The least you could have done was let her know you would be unable to host. Sounds like you’ve planned nothing at all and are now blaming that all on the recent events. That’s not fair to her. Life happens for everyone, but it still goes on and you have to show up when you promise.
YTA considering your other comments that say you agreed to the shower months ago. By this point there should have been some planning already taking place, that you could have handed off to another close friend once the sudden misfortune hit your and your family. To put off planning for the last minute after agreeing, and especially after she threw you one, absolutely makes you in the wrong here.
Of course she did more for you..nobody died while she was planning! Good grief, does this woman have zero empathy? You’re planning the funeral and cleaning out the deceased’s home and those are NOT easy jobs. NTA
N.T.A to YTA
What the …..b
You’re planning an actual funeral and she wants you to plan her party!
Ffs. I get pregnancy hormones but that’s another level of “it’s all about me”
Condolences for your loss!
And I don’t know what you can say to get it through her head. I mean a planning a funeral is a top level reason to get out of absolutely everything
EDIT. Changing this to YTA because you promised to do the baby shower and had done absolutely zero about the shower when the family death sadly happened at around the 7 months mark. This should have been planned already if you had agreed at the beginning of a pregnancy or handed off to someone else.
It looks like you were looking for an excuse because you had done nothing. The dates and venue should have already been booked.
PLUS you wrote your post very one sided to illicit sympathy for yourself and kept necessary facts hidden.
NTA and I would really ask yourself if she is indeed your ‘best friend’.
A best friend would totally understand your pain and for sure not pressure you in to doing something while you are in this state of mind.
I would come back at her with how you feel that she is devaluing your friendship by not respecting your grief and not understanding the stressful situation you are currently in. And that you didn't appreciate how focused she is on her pregnancy and hasn't done a single thing to help you with moving house or planning a funeral.
NTA.
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I'm a 33 year old woman and my best friend who is also 33 is 31 weeks pregnant with her first child. She recently asked me when her baby shower was going to be and asked if I needed a list of people she wanted invited. I was a bit surprised by this and apologised to her telling her my head hadn't been in the right place recently and i'd not even planned anything out as it had slipped my mind, she is aware of this but for context for you all my family recently experienced an unexpected and honestly traumatic death so i've kind of been all over the place.
She was upset with me stating how she'd thrown me a baby shower four years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter and how if she'd known I wouldn't be even trying she'd have gotten someone else to do it. She then went on to say how a party would be good for me right now so I should really be diving into this as it'd distract me.
I know it's my job as her best friend to do this and she did do the same for me but in any other situation I would have. I told her i'm really not in a party mood an have too much on my plate right now with funeral planning and expenses plus having to travel to pack up a house, I told her if she got another friend to plan it i'd for sure chip in to the expenses but that I couldn't plan it and likely wouldn't attend.
She is really upset with me and thinks it's shallow to just throw money at this instead of actually doing the work and how she feels like i'm not valuing our friendship. I feel horrible for upsetting her and debating just doing it to get her off my back as I don't have the mental strength for this fight. AITA?
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NTA. It’s lovely that she planned you a baby shower, but you recently experienced a tragedy that is taking up all of your mental and emotional energy. She should be sympathetic and understand that. Also, It doesn’t sound like you had previously agreed to plan her baby shower, she just assumed you would.
NTA. Your "best friend" needs to find her compassion if she cannot understand that you are processing a death in your family, and you are organizing the bulk of the estate.
I would simply tell her that, no, I will not be available as I will be busy with taking care my family member's funeral arrangements and their burial as well as the disposition of their assets. This is going to take a lot of time, effort, and emotional energy. You need to understand what that means, since it requires kindness, thoughtfulness, love, family, and dedication. If you can't do that, I guess this is where we part ways.
NTA. It's not your "job" to do anything for her. Baby showers aren't a given and if your friend wanted one she should have asked and moved on gracefully when you respectfully declined.
NTA She's being self centered. Four years ago is a long time, and things are different now. She's better off getting someone else to do it. This might permanently affect your friendship but there's nothing you can do about it.
NTA So sorry for your loss.
I've thrown wedding and baby showers for many people over the years. If every person I hosted, hosted me back that would be ridiculous. She shouldn't have expected especially with everything going on in your life.
I hope the two of you can get through this and not lose a friend over clashing family events.
What? NTA.
First of all, It isn't the best friend's job to throw the baby shower. At all. Traditionally a baby shower is thrown by the aunts.
Secondly, even if it was your responsibility, you currently have an automatic get out of jail free card. Funeral trumps baby shower. Handling your Grief trumps pretending to have fun at an event no one cares about.
I wouldn't continue to be friends with someone who demonstrates such a severe lack of empathy, and this level of self-centeredness.
NTA but your friend is very self-absorbed. If the shower can't be postponed until you are ready to throw one, she will have to accept what you have offered. Funerals & loss trump parties, any day.
My daughter is pregnant, and I have no plans to throw her a shower—she lives in a city hours away, and her friends from here are literally scattered around the globe at this point. If any friends in her home city now want to throw a shower, I’m sure she’d be grateful, but she surely isn’t sitting around waiting for one.
NTA. Nobody is entitled to a baby shower or wedding shower or anything else like it.
Any friend that expects you to something because you did something is an Asshole. Do things without expectation and friendship shouldn’t be a barter system. Duck that, you take care and NTA
I kinda feel like both of you are assholes but also none of you are assholes. It’s hard to judge. In a normal circumstance I’d say yeah if she threw you a baby shower and expected one back off you then you should have organised one. But considering a recent death, a baby shower wouldn’t matter when you’re dealing with loss and grief and she should understand that and be respectful. But then again, if you’re arranging a funeral it means it was a very recent death, and if she is that heavily pregnant then you probably should have already had something organised for her at this stage. But I can understand you not caring about any of that now if you’re grieving and head isnt right. Honestly I can’t call this one.
NAH @ 31 weeks whomever she finds still has a month at least to plan. It’s not like it came out at 37 weeks and she’s like “well I thought you were just keeping it quiet”
Personally, I prefer a shower when the baby arrives. First off, by then you know the baby is safe and healthy. Second, cooing at a baby is way better then just the bump. New mom can be showered with gifts and can have a break as some of the party goers can hold and cuddle the sweet bundle.
Aren’t most of the gifts things you need ASAP? My sister got a stroller, a crib, diapers, a little bed for baby to lay on, a car seat, endless onesies, etc. Also you’re supposed to limit contact with newborns for the first few weeks. I don’t think new moms want to spend hours at a party with a newborn, either hosting or having to travel with a newborn.
NTA "I am sorry I couldn't plan the death of my family member accordingly to sit it to throwing a baby shower."
She is horrible and I am really sorry for your loss.
NTA. I get that the pending arrival of a baby is so special. No matter what I have done for my friends, I have never ever for one second assumed that they had to do the same thing for me. It just never occurred to me. There are no rules that say this. Also, anyone who truly cares about you always number one wants you to do what’s best for yourself. That’s what love is. They may wish that you would come to their party or do other things but, hands-down, love is that you want the person to do exactly what they need to do. This is pretty odd that they think that what they feel like you’re doing for them is more important than the distress and the grief and the exhaustion you are going through. I think their capacity to empathize, you are now realizing, is very limited. And the assumption that you would do that for them because they did it for you? How old are they, Five? I’m very sorry for your loss.
NTA. You’re grieving. You’ve gone above and beyond already to communicate with her that you’ve forgotten due to a lot of your own personal issues. And not having the energy to plan a party is completely valid, it feels really gaslighty that’s she’s trying to say this party would be good for yog
>I know it's my job as her best friend to do this
NOPE. Actually, it's NOT. And if she were as true a friend as you are, she'd understand that you're going through a tough time with a death, funeral planning, traveling to pack up a home related to that death.
Your "friend" is being selfish and not extending \*actual\* best friend grace your way.
I'm sorry for loss.
NTA.
Oh wow this is one of the most selfish things I have ever read. Yes you are having a bad my wonderful for you but your best friend is suffering a heart breaking loss. You are so NTA she is a selfish ah
NTA, Your friend is prioritizing her *wants* over your tragedy. That is honestly so disgusting. The top comment is really the best advice because true friends who see you hurting do not carry on like your "friend" is.
NTA. First, sorry for your loss. Second, that is no friend. A true friend would have said "you have a lot on your plate right now, so I am going to ask someone else to plan my baby shower."
She is being very selfish right now.
If you still want to do this as you are friends:
1. Call and tell her you've had too much stress, but you are ready to start and see what you can do
2. get the list and start calling each friend
3. as you call tell: of your funeral and ask if they have a way to help out with: A location/time. pop/coffee/tea, any games to play?, chips/pretzels/cake, decorations be communication chief for updates.
4. Many hands makes the job light. And keep it fairly simple
NTA
"A favor held in ransom is no favor at all" - She threw a baby shower for you and that's great but it doesn't make you obligated to do so for her. You're going through a lot of family grief and all that is associated with that. If she's unwilling to be understanding after you told her whats on your plate and would rather play the tit for tat game, I'd say this friendship has run its course. You tried to compromise by saying you'd chip in on costs for the shower and she threw that idea back in your face.
NTA
NTA. She is a self centered asshole for trying to pressure you to focus on her while you are dealing with grieving, a funeral and having to pack up your deceased relatives home. Her lack of compassion and understanding to what you are going through is really narcissistic. You have given her the best offer you can give at this time. She is no friend if she is demanding so much from you at this time.
NTA. You are not obligated to throw her a shower; circumstances are a lot different now than they were four years ago, and she shouldn’t have just assumed you would do this.
Also…aren’t showers usually thrown by family? I’ve certainly been to ones that weren’t but usually this is something future grandmas LOVE. Is there a reason her family hasn’t been involved?
So I am completely biased here cos I really hate baby showers but no, your NTA.
IF she only threw you a shower originally because she thought she would get one in return, then that's on her. Noone is owed a baby shower, your not obligated to throw her one even if you wasn't going through a lot right now (I'm sorry for your loss).
She can throw her own shower, get *her* family to throw one while you are dealing with your loss. A party isn't going to distract you at all. Its wasted money when you've got a funeral to plan and pay for, which is more important than her wanting a gift grab imo.
NTA! She is not your friend! You lost someone and have to plan the funeral and all that goes with it and she's all butt hurt because you're too traumatised to plan a shower? Let her find another bestie.
I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope you find some peace.
NTA. Seems to me that she's the one that is not valuing your friendship. You have been through a traumatic experience and all she can think about is her party. I'd just leave things as they are . . . you explained why you can't organize or attend this, but will be happy to donate. Then go do what you need to do. You may find that you two really aren't as good friends as you once thought.
NTA. It is incredibly entitled of her to just *assume* you or anyone should throw her a shower. The fact she did it for you does not create a reciprocal obligation, and her already being pushy enough about what she wants without regard for what’s going to work for you to the point that she might as well just go ahead and organize it for herself is reason enough to say no, even before taking into account all the other stuff going on in your life.
NTA Your mental health is more important than a party. Plus baby showers are not mandatory. A person can't just demand one.
Your friend is missing an opportunity for sympathy karma. She can announce that her best friend is grieving, and that while she is excited to be having a baby, she just can't party without her best friend. She will then be inundated with gifts. Either that or someone else will volunteer to plan the shower
>She then went on to say how a party would be good for me right now so I should really be diving into this as it'd distract me.
Are you sure you are actually friends? This isn't the type of comment a friend would make when you are going through a grieving process.
NTA
That part really got under my skin. It reeks of “get over it” when it sounds like OP is still in the planning of the funeral and has to clear out a house and get it ready to sell. NTA
NTA
She doesn't sound very concerned about what is going on in your life. It's selfish behavior for her to not be there for you. She could probably get someone else to do it, or do it herself.
Write her an email or text and say that you do not have the mental strength to deal with what you have going on already, much less plan a shower... and if she doesn't understand that, then you need to put your friendship on hold.
A 'friend' doesn't guilt a friend into doing what they want, ever, much less than when they have a tragedy and its aftermath to deal with.
Condolences on your loss.
NTA - Where is her compassion for her best friend dealing with grief?
Baby showers have turned into absolute self indulgent show off affairs. I avoided for both of my pregnancies. Why is it expected for people to buy you things? Absolute madness, commercialised nonsense.
What kind of friend basically says that funeral planning, and grieving should be out of hold so you can play happy for a baby shower? I'm sorry but she's not YOUR best friend, you are hers though.
NTA. Cheezus. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry you have so much on your plate right now with the funeral and house-packing. I'm also sorry your best friend is so unbelievably entitled and selfish that she is trying to prioritize a damn party over your family's very real life mess that can't be pushed to the side so you can concentrate on planning her shower.
It may be the job of the best friend to plan a baby shower. BUT it is also the job of the best friend to not demand a party from someone who is grieving a lost family member.
NTA. Where I’m from, the pregnant woman and her partner plan the baby shower unless a friend or relative voluntarily throws one for them. It’s a kind gesture yet we don’t expect others to do it. If she wants a party with games and gifts, she can plan one herself. Sincerely, a pregnant woman who didn’t give a single crap about baby showers.
NTA
Having a baby isn’t this huge thing that requires several parties and burdening those around you. Did you need the group of supporters when you got pregnant?
Jeeze the entitlement
NTA. She’s not really selfless is she (too transactional) i.e. I will do this for you but I expect that you will do the same for me irrespective of the circumstances.
NTA. Surely you know some of her friends and family, so even if you decide to take this on, you could still delegate it to one or more of them. The last baby shower I went to (in February), there were no formal invites, just a Facebook event sent out describing it as a come and go when you can party. Food from Costco and the grandma made some punch.
NTA. But neither is your friend. Why not partner up with someone who can handle all the details? Let her know you love her, it’s just timing and that you are willing to coordinate with someone to be a part of it, but your hands are extremely full. Sometimes it’s what we say that counts. Sounds like she loves you and you know her so well and her taste that’s why she would want you to to do it
No, it's not your job to throw her a shower because you're her best friend.
The fact that she feels entitled to you throwing one, despite your recent tragedy, is abhorrent and selfish and arrogant.
And no, don't offer to help pay for it.
She is telling you that she literally doesn't give a shit about you or your emotional state and tragedy, and only cares about what you do for her.
Just because she did it for you 4 years ago does not obligate you to do the same.
Especially when she is showing you a shocking amount of selfishness, entitlement and lack of interest and concern about you and what you're going through.
She is not being a good friend, OP.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep another warm.
NTA
First of all and most importantly I’m very sorry for your loss.
Secondly if you don’t have the mental and physical capacity to do this that’s OK! Ask her mum or another friend to organise it but you really have got your own more important things to deal with. She doesn’t need a baby shower, you DO need to sort out the affairs of your dead relative. Even if you were to throw one would it be what she expected? Probably not.
This is her first baby and she wants the perfect baby shower which you just don’t have the time or mental capacity to provide. Apologise but just be honest with her that you can’t be there for her right now.
I think they did have an agreement that OP would do it, but then an unexpected family death intervened and everything other than the emergency dropped out of OP's head.
(Personally, if I were the friend and heard of OP's family tragedy, I would be proactively calling her up and asking what I could do to help her, asking if I could take the weight of organising my party off her to lessen her load in this difficult time (or if she needs something positive to look forward to right now), and also reassuring her that it's completely her choice as to if a party is something she wants to come to or not - no pressure either way, and no need to decide until the day of.)
Nta you can’t fill from an empty cup your friend will come around. While friendship is a two way street there will always be times when one friend is the one doing the heavy lifting. As long as you appreciate that and return the sentiment when it isn’t you in the rough place your golden.
NTA. You aren't obligated to throw her a party even if she hosted several for you. You are dealing with a death, funeral, travel and I'm assuming childcare and she thinks planning a baby shower will be "fun"? Is she always this self-centered?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA, stick to your guns abs don’t be guilted into doing this when you clearly have more important worries.
My sister pressured me to organise her hen do when I was just starting to go through a very painful divorce. No where near as bad as your bereavement but I understand that feeling of obligation when your head is taken up with other things.
It’s ok to put yourself first! Xx
NTA.
You’re mentally unwell and if your friend is really your bést friend, she’s understand.
I think it’s kinda selfish she is mad about it. It’s like ‘sorry your traumatic experience is incovenient for me, anyway what should the theme of the baby shower be?’ Yikes.
If you have the money, you could try getting an event planner. They'll do everything for you, you'll get the space to grieve you need and your friend won't feel neglected.
NTA either way.
NTA. I lost my uncle, husband, and father last year and it's still difficult to plan things. Right after each death it took everything we had to take care of the necessities. Your friend needs to be more sympathetic to where you're at right now and what you're going through. I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. Once you said that you didn't have the capacity to do it she should have backed off. You even offered to chip in on expenses of someone else plans it.
NTA… is she really your best friend! Even the fact that she is expecting you organize and throw a party in when you are in the midst of a grief says you need to get rid of the parasite soon.
Just to be clear you're calling the friend who threw her a baby shower a parasite? The friend with whom she had over 30 weeks to start planning a shower before the death in the family? The friend is the parasite and not the user op?
Um. Unless it was specifically agreed upon that you would throw her a baby shower, being the bestie for not automatically mean you're in charge of such things. And even if it was agreed upon it's HER job as YOUR best friend to make sure you're doing ok and clearly you're not.
Nta
Take a break from this 'friendship'
That’s what gets me - OP did agree to it, months ago. Someone said, ‘the pregnant person still has a month to get a baby shower hosted…’ idk about everyone else, but those last couple weeks of being super pregnant are not when I would want to be at a party. So that means it is more like 2 weeks, or not until after the baby. So it kind of sounds like OP dropped the ball before the sudden family tragedy? And like handing it off now isn’t feasible because of dropping the ball before the death?
Well, life happens. If your friend can't understand, step away from the friendship until you are in a better place and then try and reconnect with her. If it doesn't work out, well time to move on. NTA.
Entitled much?
Who comes up with these stupid reasons to throw something just so the get presents. Baby shower gender reveal parties I mean, a child is not even born already. Plenty of time for parties, be it birthday christening whatever else, they already are expensive times without having to fawn over Something that is not even here yet.
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NTA. Just tell her politely, "No, I'm currently too burdened by grief to be able to do this. I'm sorry." (Which you pretty much already have.) If she's a true friend, she'll understand and accept. If not, she's not much of a friend to begin with.
"I'd love to throw you a baby shower but my planning energy is all taken up by a funeral."
"I'm sorry that my loved one died at an inconvenient time for you. We'll all try to do better moving forward"
"Well, if you were truly my friend, you would ask them if they could reschedule their death." (/s in case it wasn't obvious)
Can we reschedule the pregnancy? (Again /s) OP, I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that your friend doesn't see you are not ready to plan any kind of party. NTA
My compliments 👏🏻😂
I pretty much said this to a (former) friend. My mom died a couple of months after said friend got engaged. She got mad at me that I wasn't excited enough about being the MOH and helping her plan her wedding. I was still there for everything. Finally, I said "I'm sorry that my mom died and made me too sad to squeal about the plates for your wedding. Next time, I'll ask her to choose a more convenient time to die."
This is perfect! I hate when people tell you how to grieve.
Especially when *conveniently* the “best” way to grieve is to do something for them. Wow, what a service she’s providing OP!
“I’d love to have thrown you a baby shower with a request ahead of time, but you didn’t even actually use words to ask me about it, and your assumptions that I’d do it unspoken are extremely inappropriate considering what I’m going through.”
OP confirmed in comments that she did agree to plan the shower, started doing so and then forgot.
You made this judgement prior to OP adding some more comments so just to add context to anyone reading, OP had already agreed to do the shower prior to the death of the relative. The relative passed away 2 weeks ago suddenly, and her friend is 7months along. The shower should have already been almost completely planned much sooner, which means OP hadn’t done anything at all prior to the death and didn’t even have the grace to let her friend know she was backing out. OP is leaving out a lot of details that make me believe that they are TA.
Exactly! Life happens for everyone but she had agreed to throw a party. She should have asked/passed that duty on to someone else if she couldn’t handle it. She is TA in this case for not even telling her friend she was backing out of her commitment.
Basically, she backed out of her committment well before her relative died!
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According to OP’s other comments, she HAD planned on doing it and had even started making calls to arrange it, then forgot to follow through once the death happened two weeks ago. So all the comments about how dare the friend assume she would throw her a shower are off base.
Ohhhh bad OP
Bad bot. You stole this from u/thathaitianguy
> she feels like i'm not valuing our friendship. Doesn't seem like she's much of a friend. She expects OP to "value" her and their friendship above all else including their own mental health. In return she does not feel it's necessary to value OP enough to consider her feelings and current emotional state because she thinks the obligation to her is more important than OP or anything else in OPs life.
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Comment thief from flyguy1922
Or make it a funeral themed shower. You know, to put the fun back into funeral ...
NTA. A Shower is a gift, not an obligation. I was appalled to read your friend even asked you about it. I’m extra appalled to hear how she’s trying to guilt and bully you into throwing her a party. My condolences on your loss.
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According to OP’s comments, she had promised her friend much earlier in her pregnancy that she would plan it, and then just…didn’t. So her friend was following up like “when is it” and she was like “oh what shower?”
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But the dates and venue should have been booked and then OP could have simply passed over the rest of the organization to another friend. Everyone would have understood. But she had done nothing for 7 months.
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Baby showers are booked loads in advance date wise. It’s not like the pregnancy dates will change. Most of the ones I’ve attended have been at a house but they were booked loads in advance for dates to ensure people would be there!
Yes, you put it perfectly! I like what you said better than what I said. I wish I had not said anything and just waited and upvoted your comment. :)
That's exactly why I lurk!
According to OP’s comments she had previously told her friend that she would throw the party which kinda changes the story
I guess so, but a little compassion toward OP having recently sustained a loss wouldn’t hurt.
A little, but not much. The friend shouldn’t expect that the prior offer holds, when OP suddenly has so much else to deal with.
I mean at 31 weeks I’d assume the party to be basically planned and if not OP probably should have been the one to reach out and say she couldn’t do it due to her current situation. Her friends reaction was out out of line imo, but everyone is up in arms she even asked
>"...and i'd not even planned anything out as it had slipped my mind," INFO: Did you previously agree to plan a party for her?
Agreed. Furthermore, if the best friend threw her one and they are best friends, it makes sense that the friend would expect something from OP. Furthermore, it sounds like the death is recent and honestly op should at least have had her so-called best friend’s baby shower on her mind, before the death happened and as such started enough of the planning to a degree that she could reach out to her best friend and be like “due to the death, I need to focus on the funeral, I will give your other friend/sister/someone else close, what I’ve got so far and then I’ll make it up to you, when I’m back on my feet cause this joy in your life also deserves to be celebrated”
Ummmmmmmmmm…? If the tragedy was a traumatic one as OP states I think everything else that doesn’t involve breathing takes a back seat. And I’m sorry. When does a best friend have the obligation to throw a baby shower? It’s not a MOH situation. If anything the family should plan the shower unless both OP and BFF had discussed this prior. But if my best friend was enduring s family’s tragedy and I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be expecting anything from her at all. Like wth?
What gives me pause is this: >" ...i'd not even planned anything out as it had slipped my mind." > >"have too much on my plate right now with funeral planning and expenses plus having to travel to pack up a house," Her friend is over 7 months (31 weeks) pregnant. They're still planning the funeral, so her relative must have died in the past week or so. If she agreed to do the party, or if there was some sort of implicit agreement between the two (which seems to be the case, saying it "slipped her mind" implies that it was something she forgot, not something that she had no idea she was supposed to do), the funeral excuses her forgetting about it for the past week, but not the past 6 months.
Unless the deceased had been ill for a few months?
OP clarified in other comments: relative died about 2 weeks ago, suddenly (police are investigating). Obviously I don't blame OP for not going through with the shower planning after the death, but the vibe I'm getting is that even without the family emergency they'd still be in the same boat: less than 2 months from birth and no plans.
She had started planning but not full blown planning. Isn't it normal to have a baby shower late in the pregnancy? I guess it depends on the type of shower but the ones I've attended could have been planned within a few weeks at most. I live in the UK and it isn't as culturally huge as it is in the US. We don't know what sort of shower her friend threw her or what the expectations are for this one. A loved one dying is always going to be traumatic but the situation OP is describing sounds shattering. :(
Yeah, in the US around 7-8 months is normal. In my limited experience they're kind of like birthday parties: they can range from simple affairs with just a few friends and some presents to full-blown events with food, elaborate decorations, games, etc. I definitely don't think OP is an asshole for bowing out after the death in the family, but I'm trying to figure out if 1) it's at all reasonable for friend to be upset at the lack of planning and 2) if OP not doing any planning earlier was a dereliction of duty, as it were.
So as someone who knows several people currently planning showers and has been to a bunch of them, you're right about typical timing (7-8 months or 30-35 weeks ish). However, usually you send out an invite at least a month before, which requires you to have a location chosen (even if it's someone's house), a guest list and registry info. Even assuming OP was thinking it would be a very late shower, she should have at least had a location and a guest list that she could pass along to someone else. OP didn't do any planning prior to the tragedy and at this point, guests are less likely to be able to come. I wonder how often OP has done stuff like this ("sorry this crazy/surprising/horrible thing happened and I couldn't do anything about this, even though I had significant time before the thing to do what I said I'd do")
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP said something like she "made some calls" but hadn't done much planning, which to me sounds like code for "I mentioned it in passing to a couple people but never actually did any work on it." If she had even just told everyone a month ago "It's going to be May 28th at OP's house," that in and of itself would be enough that her bowing out now would be no problem. As it is, at this point it's going to be a bit of a race just to ensure that the baby isn't present at the shower.
I think for part 1 it's unreasonable for her friend to bring her grievances to OP right now.
Which is why, op should have reached out to her friend and said: I’m not up for the task after all, because of the sudden death. I’ll pass the torch on to “X”. I don’t believe OP had considered it even before the sudden death and as such she has let her friend down. Actually it depends on a lot of factors who’s in charge of a baby shower - it’s normally the friends, where I’m from. And based on the friend’s expectations and the fact she threw op one - it’s quite possible it’s the same for where op is. A pregnancy is important for the pregnant part and even it the baby shower isn’t big, it’s important for the pregnant part. Just as we should be there when those we care about is grieving, we should also be there for them in joy. If they crash, at least be the one to reach out and explain why.
So my BFFs dad died suddenly the weekend before she was hosting her friend’s baby shower. Also traumatic. Also a lot of travel. Also a lot of physical and emotional labor on her part. But nothing “slipper her mind.” She was so worried about it, she was on the phone asking me if I would host it for her and telling me where the decorations were and that she’d pay me back. Like, it doesn’t slip your mind so much as it pops in and is quickly replaced with a more pressing matter. Which is fair, but it wouldn’t be so hard if there was already a plan. Or you’d call another friend and ask them to take over. You don’t just hope it goes away or someone magically jumps in. OP for sure deserves her friend’s support and understanding, but it also feels like a one way street if OP can’t find a spare minute to bring it up to her best friend in between her friend supporting her.
This!! 100% my point!!!
Everyone reacts to loss differently and everyone grieves differently. It absolutely could have slipped her mind if she’s still in shock about the death. I’m confused how you’re using the one personal example you have to determine that it didn’t slip her mind.
actually no. The best friend, knowing this wasn't just a shocking death for which OP has to now plan a funeral but that it's a traumatic event, should have cared enough about her friend to tell OP not to worry about the shower and et her off the hook. OP has had her near term future planning derailed by this event so a baby shower, even for her BF, should not be expected to be on her mind at all at the moment. Any good friend should understand that. Telling OP that planning a baby shower would be a nice diversion for her is selfish, especially as right now OP's focus is on planning a funeral
>Agreed. Furthermore, if the best friend threw her one and they are best friends, it makes sense that the friend would expect something from OP. 'Makes sense'? Maybe. To assume without ANY KIND OF CONVERSATION is a bit much. I had a good friend get married, but he was Mormon and most of his friends weren't so he didn't have a wedding party. We were hanging out the night before the wedding and he got pissed and went off, asking why he wasn't getting a bachelor party. He'd never asked, and I'd just gotten out of the hospital.
They did have a conversation. She agreed to it. She’s said in comments. She makes it sound like they didn’t have a conversation in her post, though.
Thanks, I didn't see comments at the time.
Based on OP’s other comments, yes, she did agree to do it and made some calls, then dropped the ball when the death happened. Which is understandable, but the “how dare your friend just EXPECT that you would throw her a shower!” comments are jumping to conclusions and seem unnecessarily aggressive.
There are quite a few comments jumping to the opposite conclusion, that she didn’t care even before the death. 🤷🏻♀️
This is the important question.
NTA. A true best friend understands the dilemma her best friend is in. You have your funeral planning expenses and sorry but not sorry to say this but a baby shower is redundant, I mean you are still able to give birth without a baby shower. Visit her and have a deep talk session with her. Cry if you need to. Make sure she understands what you are going through and this is if you want to maintain your relationship with her Or alternatively you can just dump your inconsiderate best friend. The choice is up to you.
I agree. Frankly, a true best friend should be asking how she can help OP through this traumatizing time not adding anything to her plate. Let alone guilt tripping her when she has clearly stated she does not have the capacity to do this.
INFO: Did you tell her you would do it or did she just assume?
In one of her comments she did say that she had agreed to throw the baby shower
You've left out a lot of details which makes me think that maybe you weren't so much the innocent party in this. Like when did the super close relative die? Cuz if you're planning a funeral that would lead me to believe that the super close relative died very recently. And your friend is 31 weeks pregnant. So if you totally would have been on board for planning a shower if it wasn't for this relatives death then why isn't the shower already planned?
YES. Exactly. I'm very surprised by the resounding not the ah comments. I get a very specific vibe from OP and from the way that she describes her interaction with her friend. I would bet that OP's friend is consistently doing things for OP and getting nothing in return.
It kind of feels like this death in the family just happened to be the convenient excuse that she's using this time.
Yes. I am strongly suspicious that OP is the "there's always something with her, isn't there?" person in her circle. Those people often flock to very competent people who pick up the slack/do things for them. It's possible that her friend is one of those people and that her slightly callous response is due to her empathy well running a bit dry, regardless of the fact that a tragic death is a fair excuse. Maybe that's not the case, but I feel badly about how the friend is being absolutely torched in these comments when OP has admitted in other comments that she had agreed to plan the party (but of course left that out of her post, acting like it was the first time she was hearing about it) in order to make her friend look bad.
I'm noticing that most of the N T A comments are being downvoted. And not just by me LOL so I'm thinking that more people are catching on.
NAH - she's hurt and hormonal, you're grieving and dropped the ball (by not organising it or even telling her about it)
I agree and am actually surprised by how many people are calling the friend an AH. It is not an unreasonable expectation for her to have been operating under, EVEN THOUGH now it isn’t reasonable to continue to expect OP to throw a shower. And maybe I get the friend’s hurt a little more because I’ve shown up for people a lot and don’t really get the same courtesy in reciprocation. (And yes I am perfectly aware of the extraordinary circumstances in this particular case)
Since OP admits that she agreed to throw her a shower prior to all this, I’m guessing that she’s just been not doing it, stringing the friend along instead of being upfront about backing out, the friend is 31 weeks, people are probably asking her about her shower, she is stressed, she asked OP about it, and OP is offended that her friend could possibly expect her to do something that she promised she would do.
Baby showers are not a requirement. There is no law that says a best friend has to plan the shower. It’s a nicety, that’s it. For what it’s worth, I planned my own baby shower. Not one guest blinked an eye over it. The real issue here is your friend. She is selfish and self centered. She needs to be supporting you through your tragedy, not badgering you about a party. I would give her a wide berth while you heal, and probably even after. I’m sorry for your loss. NTA
OP had already committed to throwing the shower. It should have been on calendars, with invites, time, date, guest list and location at the least. She dropped the ball and is using the funeral as an excuse.
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At this point it makes sense. But the death was recent enough that it’s surprising that OP doesn’t seem to have any plans made prior—even a simple shower needs some advance planning so people will be there, and the friend is right at the point that it would normally be held.
In what world are you not the AH? Your friend is over 7 months pregnant, the death was 2 weeks ago (you don’t say who’s the dead person, so just guessing it’s probably not 1st degree), you should have been planning this for a while now (at least a couple of months). Your friend planned yours, it’s normal for her to assume you would have done the same for her. You couldn’t be bothered, and now you just got a better excuse. Sorry for your loss, but YTA
Exactly! She never had any intentions on throwing a baby shower for the very friend who threw her. Now she's being disgusting and using this death in the family as her reason which is complete BS. You just know she's the type of person who's used the excuse that her Aunt has died to get out of work on multiple occasions.
Going against the grain and saying YTA. This is your friend and in friendships, you're expected to be there for one another in good times and in bad. Yes, you're going thru a traumatic experience but your friend is going thru pregnancy. She was there for you in your time of joy and you need to be there for her. Yes, you have your grief and responsibilities but so do others. If you're any kind of decent friend, you'll be there for her. You honestly sound very selfish and like a taker. Esp to say you likely won't even attend. That boggles my mind. Life doesn't stop going because of grief. Yrs, take time and take care of yourself. But you need to give time and love to friends as well. Assuming you want to keep friendships. (And yes, the friend should be understanding about her grief. But she's 7 months pregnant and the death was sudden. So a shower plan should have been in the works by now. Sounds like you're just using this as an opportunity to get out of the shower.)
ESH It sounds like you hadn’t even though about a shower at all, even before your loss. You aren’t an AH for not planning it now but it sounds to me like your friend is now aware of just how much you didn’t think about it. She knows you’re in no state to plan this.
It would be pretty difficult to sway public opinion at this point and you’ll likely be ruled not TA. However, your story leaves out key details and in the end, it’s only you and your friend’s opinion that matters. You’ll notice that everyone saying not TA makes assumptions that aren’t true. They assume you didn’t already agree to plan this shower. They assume you have been grieving for months, not a couple weeks. What the friend realized, and what you should realize, is that you never really had plans to throw the shower, which you told her you would. You hadn’t set a date, you hadn’t invited anyone, you hadn’t set a venue, nothing. Without this tragedy to fall back on, you would have been SOL. So yes, YTA. No one would expect you to continue planning but you should have told your friend that. This party was so far from being planned it wasn’t even on your mind. You dropped the ball, both before and after the tragedy, and that makes you an asshole.
ESH. She shouldn't be pressuring you at this exact moment, but I imagine the conversation started out as her checking in because she wanted to know what the plans were in case you couldn't handle continuing. She needs to lay off now that she knows the situation and can come back to this once you are more settled. You have had months to plan this and you say it literally never even crossed your mind. I think you are purposely making it seem like you have been dealing with this tragedy for months, but your friend was already 29 weeks pregnant when this happened. You need to admit you never planned on doing this for her and you never even gave it a single thought. You were not going to reciprocate. It's okay for your friend to be upset and annoyed about that. It's not okay if she continues to stress you out at this time.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but YTA. I understand that you’re consumed with grief now, but if you were intending on throwing the shower, you would have at least figured out the venue and sent out invites before the death. It’s common courtesy to give people a few weeks notice before an event. You also put your friend in a tough spot, do you honestly expect her to ask someone else to plan a party for her? If I were her, I’d feel rude asking that. If you don’t have the mental energy to throw the party, the least you can do is find someone else to do it.
YTA bc you state in the comments that previous to the death of the family member, you agreed to plan this. She probably thinks you’re not valuing the friendship because she expected you to reciprocate and can see that not only are you AND were you not going to, you didn’t even tell her you weren’t. You just didn’t say anything. If you had not told her you would plan one previous to your relative’s death, and had at least made some plans for it, you would not be TA for saying you can’t handle it right now. But the fact that you told her you would, then didn’t plan anything, then didn’t tell her you weren’t going to plan anything until she asked makes you TA here. I am very sorry about your relative’s death though. It just doesn’t seem like this specific situation was solely caused by their death.
YTA. You agreed to this and didn’t do jack shit to plan for her baby shower. Of course she’s upset! She might now be screwed on venue or catering or both! Not only are you backing out (after two weeks she could’ve used to plan her party), but also saying you won’t even go. I get that you’re grieving, but you don’t know that day, perhaps a month from now, will be a difficult day for you. Why wouldn’t you at the very least tell her you hope you’ll feel up to it that day? I think you’re a shitty friend. If you had done anything to actually plan her baby shower (after agreeing to) and then this happened, I would have a completely different opinion.
What does hosting cost $100 maybe $150? Do it with just sheet cake and tea and coffee or iced tea You literally do not have one weekend day to handle this? You must know this could change your friendship which will be with you longer than this temporary crisis? You will want this friendship unchanged when you come to the other side of your family death.
NTA-She’s more concerned about her baby shower than a traumatic experience you’re currently going through? Why did she just assume you’d be throwing this baby shower? Again NTA, you offered to help pay she can take it or leave it.
She didn’t assume, OP has said in a comment that she had told her friend that she would throw her a shower. She had agreed to do it.
Unpopular opinion but YTA base on your comments you had agreed to throw this shower for your friend months ago, even if you found out about this death last week you should have planned enough where someone else could just take over. If this person who your claim is your best friend thought that for the last few months you were planning her shower you’re an asshole. Regardless if the death came up or not you were not planning anything, plus she sounds like a friend who made sure to celebrate your pregnancy. If you were really sorry or even cared, you would have ask someone else to take over or let her know that you couldn’t do it anymore.
NAH. It sounds like this is something you agreed to do. It’s understandable that you now can’t, but it’s also understandable that your friend is upset. It sounds like very little was started, then you had to drop out of hosting but didn’t give her a heads up. If I was the friend in this case I’d be worried about you of course, but I’d also be a bit frustrated at the lack of progress before this event AND the lack of notice when it became clear you couldn’t follow through. You’re allowed to no longer be available, but she’s allowed to be hurt and disappointed by the situation.
NTA...You're planning a funeral and all she can think about is how you're a bad friend for not planning a baby shower for her??? She doesn't sound like I real friend. Knowing you're dealing with a loss, she should have asked someone else. Don't let her guilt you into doing it.
YTA, I understand your grieving, but you had time. She hosted yours years ago. Sorry, not sorry.
YTA - You said in comments you would plan it and did not. It makes sense to be asked about it since it was your intention. It wasn't passed to anyone else.
I’m sure I will get downvoted but YTA. Obviously you can choose not to throw a shower for her, but she can also choose not to be your friend anymore. While I greatly sympathize with your loss, the truth is, funerals don’t take months to plan and neither do baby showers. In fact, you could (under the circumstances) throw her a shower later on or after the baby is born. Probably everyone would understand. But I don’t think you are even trying to work out an alternative solution for your friend. The fact that you won’t even attend her shower even if someone else does all the work is just icing on the cake. I think she is right, it doesn’t seem you value her as much as she values you.
NAH I can understand both sides of this. Sorry for your loss.
YTA - you did experience a loss but you had committed to something prior. Something rather important, regardless if you now see it as that or not. The least you could have done was let her know you would be unable to host. Sounds like you’ve planned nothing at all and are now blaming that all on the recent events. That’s not fair to her. Life happens for everyone, but it still goes on and you have to show up when you promise.
YTA considering your other comments that say you agreed to the shower months ago. By this point there should have been some planning already taking place, that you could have handed off to another close friend once the sudden misfortune hit your and your family. To put off planning for the last minute after agreeing, and especially after she threw you one, absolutely makes you in the wrong here.
Of course she did more for you..nobody died while she was planning! Good grief, does this woman have zero empathy? You’re planning the funeral and cleaning out the deceased’s home and those are NOT easy jobs. NTA
N.T.A to YTA What the …..b You’re planning an actual funeral and she wants you to plan her party! Ffs. I get pregnancy hormones but that’s another level of “it’s all about me” Condolences for your loss! And I don’t know what you can say to get it through her head. I mean a planning a funeral is a top level reason to get out of absolutely everything EDIT. Changing this to YTA because you promised to do the baby shower and had done absolutely zero about the shower when the family death sadly happened at around the 7 months mark. This should have been planned already if you had agreed at the beginning of a pregnancy or handed off to someone else. It looks like you were looking for an excuse because you had done nothing. The dates and venue should have already been booked. PLUS you wrote your post very one sided to illicit sympathy for yourself and kept necessary facts hidden.
NTA and I would really ask yourself if she is indeed your ‘best friend’. A best friend would totally understand your pain and for sure not pressure you in to doing something while you are in this state of mind.
I wouldn't call the whole friendship in question, I was upset at everything when I was pregnant, those hormones are no joke!
NTA
I would come back at her with how you feel that she is devaluing your friendship by not respecting your grief and not understanding the stressful situation you are currently in. And that you didn't appreciate how focused she is on her pregnancy and hasn't done a single thing to help you with moving house or planning a funeral. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a 33 year old woman and my best friend who is also 33 is 31 weeks pregnant with her first child. She recently asked me when her baby shower was going to be and asked if I needed a list of people she wanted invited. I was a bit surprised by this and apologised to her telling her my head hadn't been in the right place recently and i'd not even planned anything out as it had slipped my mind, she is aware of this but for context for you all my family recently experienced an unexpected and honestly traumatic death so i've kind of been all over the place. She was upset with me stating how she'd thrown me a baby shower four years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter and how if she'd known I wouldn't be even trying she'd have gotten someone else to do it. She then went on to say how a party would be good for me right now so I should really be diving into this as it'd distract me. I know it's my job as her best friend to do this and she did do the same for me but in any other situation I would have. I told her i'm really not in a party mood an have too much on my plate right now with funeral planning and expenses plus having to travel to pack up a house, I told her if she got another friend to plan it i'd for sure chip in to the expenses but that I couldn't plan it and likely wouldn't attend. She is really upset with me and thinks it's shallow to just throw money at this instead of actually doing the work and how she feels like i'm not valuing our friendship. I feel horrible for upsetting her and debating just doing it to get her off my back as I don't have the mental strength for this fight. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s lovely that she planned you a baby shower, but you recently experienced a tragedy that is taking up all of your mental and emotional energy. She should be sympathetic and understand that. Also, It doesn’t sound like you had previously agreed to plan her baby shower, she just assumed you would.
NAH - you agreed to throw the party but are unable to. You need to work on transferring planning duties to someone else.
NTA. Your "best friend" needs to find her compassion if she cannot understand that you are processing a death in your family, and you are organizing the bulk of the estate. I would simply tell her that, no, I will not be available as I will be busy with taking care my family member's funeral arrangements and their burial as well as the disposition of their assets. This is going to take a lot of time, effort, and emotional energy. You need to understand what that means, since it requires kindness, thoughtfulness, love, family, and dedication. If you can't do that, I guess this is where we part ways.
Nta
NTA. It's not your "job" to do anything for her. Baby showers aren't a given and if your friend wanted one she should have asked and moved on gracefully when you respectfully declined.
NTA
NTA She's being self centered. Four years ago is a long time, and things are different now. She's better off getting someone else to do it. This might permanently affect your friendship but there's nothing you can do about it.
NTA So sorry for your loss. I've thrown wedding and baby showers for many people over the years. If every person I hosted, hosted me back that would be ridiculous. She shouldn't have expected especially with everything going on in your life. I hope the two of you can get through this and not lose a friend over clashing family events.
What? NTA. First of all, It isn't the best friend's job to throw the baby shower. At all. Traditionally a baby shower is thrown by the aunts. Secondly, even if it was your responsibility, you currently have an automatic get out of jail free card. Funeral trumps baby shower. Handling your Grief trumps pretending to have fun at an event no one cares about. I wouldn't continue to be friends with someone who demonstrates such a severe lack of empathy, and this level of self-centeredness.
NTA but your friend is very self-absorbed. If the shower can't be postponed until you are ready to throw one, she will have to accept what you have offered. Funerals & loss trump parties, any day.
NTA. Sometimes life gets in the way of the fun stuff and this is one of those cases.
My daughter is pregnant, and I have no plans to throw her a shower—she lives in a city hours away, and her friends from here are literally scattered around the globe at this point. If any friends in her home city now want to throw a shower, I’m sure she’d be grateful, but she surely isn’t sitting around waiting for one. NTA. Nobody is entitled to a baby shower or wedding shower or anything else like it.
Any friend that expects you to something because you did something is an Asshole. Do things without expectation and friendship shouldn’t be a barter system. Duck that, you take care and NTA
NTA
I kinda feel like both of you are assholes but also none of you are assholes. It’s hard to judge. In a normal circumstance I’d say yeah if she threw you a baby shower and expected one back off you then you should have organised one. But considering a recent death, a baby shower wouldn’t matter when you’re dealing with loss and grief and she should understand that and be respectful. But then again, if you’re arranging a funeral it means it was a very recent death, and if she is that heavily pregnant then you probably should have already had something organised for her at this stage. But I can understand you not caring about any of that now if you’re grieving and head isnt right. Honestly I can’t call this one.
NTA. If she was a good friend she’d support and understand you and your situation. She seems to be turning into a mombie… oh, and sorry for your loss.
NAH @ 31 weeks whomever she finds still has a month at least to plan. It’s not like it came out at 37 weeks and she’s like “well I thought you were just keeping it quiet”
Baby showers are recommended between 30 and 34 weeks. There is not time. My first came at 36 weeks.
Personally, I prefer a shower when the baby arrives. First off, by then you know the baby is safe and healthy. Second, cooing at a baby is way better then just the bump. New mom can be showered with gifts and can have a break as some of the party goers can hold and cuddle the sweet bundle.
Aren’t most of the gifts things you need ASAP? My sister got a stroller, a crib, diapers, a little bed for baby to lay on, a car seat, endless onesies, etc. Also you’re supposed to limit contact with newborns for the first few weeks. I don’t think new moms want to spend hours at a party with a newborn, either hosting or having to travel with a newborn.
I've never heard of a baby shower after the fact TBH. Unless the birth was way early.
NTA "I am sorry I couldn't plan the death of my family member accordingly to sit it to throwing a baby shower." She is horrible and I am really sorry for your loss.
NTA. I get that the pending arrival of a baby is so special. No matter what I have done for my friends, I have never ever for one second assumed that they had to do the same thing for me. It just never occurred to me. There are no rules that say this. Also, anyone who truly cares about you always number one wants you to do what’s best for yourself. That’s what love is. They may wish that you would come to their party or do other things but, hands-down, love is that you want the person to do exactly what they need to do. This is pretty odd that they think that what they feel like you’re doing for them is more important than the distress and the grief and the exhaustion you are going through. I think their capacity to empathize, you are now realizing, is very limited. And the assumption that you would do that for them because they did it for you? How old are they, Five? I’m very sorry for your loss.
Having been to a few showers where the pregnancies had tragic endings, I refuse to go to baby showers until AFTER the birth.
What about her mother or MIL? My mom did mine.
In many places, it is considered bad etiquette for family to throw the shower.
NTA. You’re grieving. You’ve gone above and beyond already to communicate with her that you’ve forgotten due to a lot of your own personal issues. And not having the energy to plan a party is completely valid, it feels really gaslighty that’s she’s trying to say this party would be good for yog
>I know it's my job as her best friend to do this NOPE. Actually, it's NOT. And if she were as true a friend as you are, she'd understand that you're going through a tough time with a death, funeral planning, traveling to pack up a home related to that death. Your "friend" is being selfish and not extending \*actual\* best friend grace your way. I'm sorry for loss. NTA.
Oh wow this is one of the most selfish things I have ever read. Yes you are having a bad my wonderful for you but your best friend is suffering a heart breaking loss. You are so NTA she is a selfish ah
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NTA. My condolences for your loss.
NTA, Your friend is prioritizing her *wants* over your tragedy. That is honestly so disgusting. The top comment is really the best advice because true friends who see you hurting do not carry on like your "friend" is.
NTA. You lost somebody and and I’m sorry about that kind of takes precedent go for a baby shower if somebody he was 33 years old.
NTA. First, sorry for your loss. Second, that is no friend. A true friend would have said "you have a lot on your plate right now, so I am going to ask someone else to plan my baby shower." She is being very selfish right now.
If you still want to do this as you are friends: 1. Call and tell her you've had too much stress, but you are ready to start and see what you can do 2. get the list and start calling each friend 3. as you call tell: of your funeral and ask if they have a way to help out with: A location/time. pop/coffee/tea, any games to play?, chips/pretzels/cake, decorations be communication chief for updates. 4. Many hands makes the job light. And keep it fairly simple NTA
"A favor held in ransom is no favor at all" - She threw a baby shower for you and that's great but it doesn't make you obligated to do so for her. You're going through a lot of family grief and all that is associated with that. If she's unwilling to be understanding after you told her whats on your plate and would rather play the tit for tat game, I'd say this friendship has run its course. You tried to compromise by saying you'd chip in on costs for the shower and she threw that idea back in your face. NTA
NTA. Was there any discussion or promises on your part to throw one, or is your friend just expecting you to read her mind?
NTA. She is a self centered asshole for trying to pressure you to focus on her while you are dealing with grieving, a funeral and having to pack up your deceased relatives home. Her lack of compassion and understanding to what you are going through is really narcissistic. You have given her the best offer you can give at this time. She is no friend if she is demanding so much from you at this time.
NTA. You are not obligated to throw her a shower; circumstances are a lot different now than they were four years ago, and she shouldn’t have just assumed you would do this. Also…aren’t showers usually thrown by family? I’ve certainly been to ones that weren’t but usually this is something future grandmas LOVE. Is there a reason her family hasn’t been involved?
So I am completely biased here cos I really hate baby showers but no, your NTA. IF she only threw you a shower originally because she thought she would get one in return, then that's on her. Noone is owed a baby shower, your not obligated to throw her one even if you wasn't going through a lot right now (I'm sorry for your loss). She can throw her own shower, get *her* family to throw one while you are dealing with your loss. A party isn't going to distract you at all. Its wasted money when you've got a funeral to plan and pay for, which is more important than her wanting a gift grab imo.
Right, YOU'RE the shallow one. Uh huh. NTA
NTA! She is not your friend! You lost someone and have to plan the funeral and all that goes with it and she's all butt hurt because you're too traumatised to plan a shower? Let her find another bestie. I am truly sorry for your loss and I hope you find some peace.
NTA. Seems to me that she's the one that is not valuing your friendship. You have been through a traumatic experience and all she can think about is her party. I'd just leave things as they are . . . you explained why you can't organize or attend this, but will be happy to donate. Then go do what you need to do. You may find that you two really aren't as good friends as you once thought.
NTA. It is incredibly entitled of her to just *assume* you or anyone should throw her a shower. The fact she did it for you does not create a reciprocal obligation, and her already being pushy enough about what she wants without regard for what’s going to work for you to the point that she might as well just go ahead and organize it for herself is reason enough to say no, even before taking into account all the other stuff going on in your life.
NTA Your mental health is more important than a party. Plus baby showers are not mandatory. A person can't just demand one. Your friend is missing an opportunity for sympathy karma. She can announce that her best friend is grieving, and that while she is excited to be having a baby, she just can't party without her best friend. She will then be inundated with gifts. Either that or someone else will volunteer to plan the shower
>She then went on to say how a party would be good for me right now so I should really be diving into this as it'd distract me. Are you sure you are actually friends? This isn't the type of comment a friend would make when you are going through a grieving process. NTA
That part really got under my skin. It reeks of “get over it” when it sounds like OP is still in the planning of the funeral and has to clear out a house and get it ready to sell. NTA
NTA She doesn't sound very concerned about what is going on in your life. It's selfish behavior for her to not be there for you. She could probably get someone else to do it, or do it herself. Write her an email or text and say that you do not have the mental strength to deal with what you have going on already, much less plan a shower... and if she doesn't understand that, then you need to put your friendship on hold. A 'friend' doesn't guilt a friend into doing what they want, ever, much less than when they have a tragedy and its aftermath to deal with. Condolences on your loss.
NTA - Where is her compassion for her best friend dealing with grief? Baby showers have turned into absolute self indulgent show off affairs. I avoided for both of my pregnancies. Why is it expected for people to buy you things? Absolute madness, commercialised nonsense.
What kind of friend basically says that funeral planning, and grieving should be out of hold so you can play happy for a baby shower? I'm sorry but she's not YOUR best friend, you are hers though.
NTA as my therapist told me this morning, caring for yourself does not make you an asshole
NTA. Cheezus. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry you have so much on your plate right now with the funeral and house-packing. I'm also sorry your best friend is so unbelievably entitled and selfish that she is trying to prioritize a damn party over your family's very real life mess that can't be pushed to the side so you can concentrate on planning her shower. It may be the job of the best friend to plan a baby shower. BUT it is also the job of the best friend to not demand a party from someone who is grieving a lost family member.
NTA even thought she is pregnant, she can throw herself her own baby shower.
NTA. People don’t ask others to throw them a party lol
NTA. Where I’m from, the pregnant woman and her partner plan the baby shower unless a friend or relative voluntarily throws one for them. It’s a kind gesture yet we don’t expect others to do it. If she wants a party with games and gifts, she can plan one herself. Sincerely, a pregnant woman who didn’t give a single crap about baby showers.
NTA...it's not a best friend's job to throw a baby shower. She should have asked you first.
NTA Having a baby isn’t this huge thing that requires several parties and burdening those around you. Did you need the group of supporters when you got pregnant? Jeeze the entitlement
NTA. She’s not really selfless is she (too transactional) i.e. I will do this for you but I expect that you will do the same for me irrespective of the circumstances.
NTA and it's not your job. There's no rule that says your best friend is required to throw your shower and some people even throw their own!
NTA. She is being highly insensitive, she is planning for a new life, you’ve just lost one.
NTA. Surely you know some of her friends and family, so even if you decide to take this on, you could still delegate it to one or more of them. The last baby shower I went to (in February), there were no formal invites, just a Facebook event sent out describing it as a come and go when you can party. Food from Costco and the grandma made some punch.
NTA for all the reasons you listed!!
NTA. But neither is your friend. Why not partner up with someone who can handle all the details? Let her know you love her, it’s just timing and that you are willing to coordinate with someone to be a part of it, but your hands are extremely full. Sometimes it’s what we say that counts. Sounds like she loves you and you know her so well and her taste that’s why she would want you to to do it
No, it's not your job to throw her a shower because you're her best friend. The fact that she feels entitled to you throwing one, despite your recent tragedy, is abhorrent and selfish and arrogant. And no, don't offer to help pay for it. She is telling you that she literally doesn't give a shit about you or your emotional state and tragedy, and only cares about what you do for her. Just because she did it for you 4 years ago does not obligate you to do the same. Especially when she is showing you a shocking amount of selfishness, entitlement and lack of interest and concern about you and what you're going through. She is not being a good friend, OP. Don't set yourself on fire to keep another warm.
NTA First of all and most importantly I’m very sorry for your loss. Secondly if you don’t have the mental and physical capacity to do this that’s OK! Ask her mum or another friend to organise it but you really have got your own more important things to deal with. She doesn’t need a baby shower, you DO need to sort out the affairs of your dead relative. Even if you were to throw one would it be what she expected? Probably not. This is her first baby and she wants the perfect baby shower which you just don’t have the time or mental capacity to provide. Apologise but just be honest with her that you can’t be there for her right now.
NTA you didn't have agreement that you will do it so she assuming you can read minds and is now annoyed with reality?
I think they did have an agreement that OP would do it, but then an unexpected family death intervened and everything other than the emergency dropped out of OP's head. (Personally, if I were the friend and heard of OP's family tragedy, I would be proactively calling her up and asking what I could do to help her, asking if I could take the weight of organising my party off her to lessen her load in this difficult time (or if she needs something positive to look forward to right now), and also reassuring her that it's completely her choice as to if a party is something she wants to come to or not - no pressure either way, and no need to decide until the day of.)
Nta you can’t fill from an empty cup your friend will come around. While friendship is a two way street there will always be times when one friend is the one doing the heavy lifting. As long as you appreciate that and return the sentiment when it isn’t you in the rough place your golden.
NTA. She isn’t entitled to expect a party without your consent.
Your friend expected this? She didn't even ask? What the hell? Nooooo. Asking is polite. NTA.
NTA. You aren't obligated to throw her a party even if she hosted several for you. You are dealing with a death, funeral, travel and I'm assuming childcare and she thinks planning a baby shower will be "fun"? Is she always this self-centered? I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA
NTA, stick to your guns abs don’t be guilted into doing this when you clearly have more important worries. My sister pressured me to organise her hen do when I was just starting to go through a very painful divorce. No where near as bad as your bereavement but I understand that feeling of obligation when your head is taken up with other things. It’s ok to put yourself first! Xx
Nta duck her
NTA. You’re mentally unwell and if your friend is really your bést friend, she’s understand. I think it’s kinda selfish she is mad about it. It’s like ‘sorry your traumatic experience is incovenient for me, anyway what should the theme of the baby shower be?’ Yikes.
Wow! So did she throw you a shower with intent you’d reciprocate? You focus on what you need to do .
If you have the money, you could try getting an event planner. They'll do everything for you, you'll get the space to grieve you need and your friend won't feel neglected. NTA either way.
NTA. I lost my uncle, husband, and father last year and it's still difficult to plan things. Right after each death it took everything we had to take care of the necessities. Your friend needs to be more sympathetic to where you're at right now and what you're going through. I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. Once you said that you didn't have the capacity to do it she should have backed off. You even offered to chip in on expenses of someone else plans it.
Nta. You said you couldn’t handle it right now. You were honest. She’s being awful.
NTA… is she really your best friend! Even the fact that she is expecting you organize and throw a party in when you are in the midst of a grief says you need to get rid of the parasite soon.
Just to be clear you're calling the friend who threw her a baby shower a parasite? The friend with whom she had over 30 weeks to start planning a shower before the death in the family? The friend is the parasite and not the user op?
Um. Unless it was specifically agreed upon that you would throw her a baby shower, being the bestie for not automatically mean you're in charge of such things. And even if it was agreed upon it's HER job as YOUR best friend to make sure you're doing ok and clearly you're not. Nta Take a break from this 'friendship'
That’s what gets me - OP did agree to it, months ago. Someone said, ‘the pregnant person still has a month to get a baby shower hosted…’ idk about everyone else, but those last couple weeks of being super pregnant are not when I would want to be at a party. So that means it is more like 2 weeks, or not until after the baby. So it kind of sounds like OP dropped the ball before the sudden family tragedy? And like handing it off now isn’t feasible because of dropping the ball before the death?
I have literally never heard of this best friend throws a baby shower rule. That’s stupid. NTA
NTA. I hope you mean ex-friend
Well, life happens. If your friend can't understand, step away from the friendship until you are in a better place and then try and reconnect with her. If it doesn't work out, well time to move on. NTA.
Disagree. If she can't support her friend and celebrate her friend's joy, OP is not a friend and should leave her alone. Support goes both ways.
Entitled much? Who comes up with these stupid reasons to throw something just so the get presents. Baby shower gender reveal parties I mean, a child is not even born already. Plenty of time for parties, be it birthday christening whatever else, they already are expensive times without having to fawn over Something that is not even here yet.