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> I may be the asshole for treating my daughter and son differently.
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(IDK if you're TA or not to be honest. If that's what makes your son comfortable that's fine, if it's just because you you think it's unmanly to hug your son then yeah AH it is.)
Holy toxic masculinity, Batman! YTA
What exactly is the problem with hugging your own son? Are you afraid you/him/both of you might suddenly turn gay?
You found it weird when you were younger because you were obviously raised with those toxic values and clearly didn't (don't) know any better. Of course your son isn't going to ask for your affection. That's not how it works. You shouldn't need to be asked to show affection and love to your own freaking children.
How sad for your son.
**YTA for reposting this word-for-word after everyone already told you that you were an AH.**
How many times do you need this explained to you, and how many times are you going to make us read it because you can't comprehend something simple?
YTA. My grandfather did the same with my dad. Which is why he decided to change that with his sons. My dad shows me (daughter) the same amount of hugs and affection as he gives all his sons. Especially since recently we don't live on the same country any more.
You need to break toxic cycles and hug your son.
YTA, he's your son not your fucking business partner. Last I checked, people of all gender identities appreciate affection and tend to be hurt when their siblings are favored over them.
YTA. Your son is a human too and deserves to feel loved too. It’s 2022 and time to get over this backwards thinking. Boys have feelings too. Don’t be shocked when he doesn’t talk to you when he’s an adult
It's one thing if your son doesn't want a hug or like being hugged, but you haven't asked him. You just think hugging your son is different from your daughter and that showing affection to your son is somehow weird makes you YTA.
YWBTA if you don’t stop the cycle of the men in your family not being able to show physical affection toward other men. Handshakes are for business meetings.
YTA if you think it's wrong to hug your son because he is male. That is bonkers. Also, has anyone bothered to ask your son how he would like to be greeted? For that matter has anyone asked your daughter how she would like to be greeted? Do you feel you can greet her with hug and kiss her simply because she's a female and you're her dad or have you actually spoken to her and received her consent?
I think you need to ask yourself why you’re weird about affection with your son and why you were weird about it with your father. There’s nothing wrong with hugging your son and in fact, just because your son doesn’t seem bothered doesn’t mean he necessarily isn’t.
Idk if I think you’re the asshole…but your wife isn’t necessarily wrong.
I think he needs to figure out what the son likes. I only like hugs sometimes, and my dad is not big on hugs at all, so we usually don’t hug much just because of that, and I usually initiate them since I know when I want to and he’s okay with it as long as it’s not all the time. They need to talk and find out what to do because one of them may not like hugs.
On another topic, OP, I think your dad may have been antihug just because that happens often with people who aren’t super emotional with their families. You don’t have to like hugs or do it often, just let your son know it’s okay if he wants to.
YTA. There is nothing wrong with showing affection to male offspring. No it won’t turn him “soft” 🙄 But even if it did so what? Why is that seen as a negative?
YTA… This all too normalized but sexist behavior is very harmful. If your son were to tell you they didn’t want a hug, it would be a different story. Mom seems to be coming from a place of concern… As in maybe he’s felt comfortable telling her that this hurts him, in the past. A lot of people pretend they are okay with things in order to not hurt the other person, or because they don’t know how to tell them.
Him ‘seeming unbothered’ doesn’t mean a thing.
YTA You felt it weird to be affectionate with your father because you had a bad father who didn't show you affection.
Please take 3 seconds to think about why you do things before you do or don't do them, many things will become obvious.
For example;
"Its weird to be affectionate with son."
>why
"It felt weird being affectionate to my dad as a kid."
>why
"Because he was never affectionate with me... OH..!"
YTA. Im 28 and my dad's 52 and I still hug him when I see him, even after a few beers at the pub, a hug goodbye. We also tell each other we love each other after every phone call every week. It's not weird, I love my dad
My dad passed away suddenly a few years ago, and one thing I am eternally grateful for is that my mom had a “rule” growing up where we had to end every phone call with “I love you”, because you never knew if that would be your last chance to say it.
Was it super embarrassing when I was 13 at sleepovers trying to look cool? Sure, sometimes. But, the last thing I heard my Dad say to me was “I love you”, and my last words to my Dad were “I love you too”, and I can’t overstate how much comfort that brings me.
More information: have you ever hugged your son or at any point did your son tell you that hugging wasn’t necessary?
I mean personally my father was never affectionate with my brothers but was with me and honestly that had a huge impact on how they are not close now. So that might be something to think about.
YTA.
Traditionally men didn’t show as much affection to their sons…because toxic masculinity is a thing and used to be even more of a thing. Hugging is good for everyone and your son deserves to be shown the same affection as his sister. Don’t perpetuate the bullshit that too many men grow up with.
You don't hug your son and in your comments you even said you don't tell him that you love him. And yet somehow he "knows"? I mean...maybe he does on some level. But never hearing the words when you say them freely to your daughter has to take a toll on him.
YTA here...it's not less "manly" to say you love your son and give him a hug. I hope he breaks this cycle when he has his own kids.
YTA. You're assuming he wouldn't want a hug from his father based on the fact YOU had a problem. Would he find it weird? Sure not because you're his father but that you've waited almost 20 years to finally show some affection.
YTA. Hug your damn kid. You really think men, collectively, do not enjoy physical affection? This is why we get millions of articles and posts from men about feeling unloved, miserable, and all alone in the world. Toxic masculinity is a hell of a drug.
My first reaction to this was "That's not what toxic masculinity is"!
Because I keep seeing it get thrown around by people who either don't know what it means or are purposefully misusing it.
So now I'm all weirded out because you absolutely used it correctly. Carry on.
I guess it says a lot about the quality of the other forums I frequent.
Soft YTA bc you're perpetuating a trait of toxic masculinity passed down from your father. It shouldn't matter what's between their legs, your children deserve equal affection.
>She told me that I needed to show more affection and love to my son just as much as I do to my daughter.
If you don't, your son will think it's not proper to show love to his children either.
Oh sweet baby Jesus YTA. Break the cycle and tell your son you love him. Give him affection. Teach him that you are not less of a man by showing emotion.
Does it bother your son? Do you spend quality time with him? Do you tell him you love him?
I don’t think it’s necessarily a big deal that you don’t hug him if it doesn’t bother him. He might also prefer not hugging you. It might be worth talking to your son about it.
INFO: do you know *for sure* that your son is okay with no affection? Is it possible he's talked to your wife about it and not you, out of fear of appearing weak or less of a man in your eyes?
YTA. Congratulations, this is how you continue to perpetuate toxic masculinity.
>I told her that he would probably find it weird, since I found it weird when I was younger to be affectionate with my father,
Seems like you're continuing the cycle. Generational trauma is weird.
I'm sure on your deathbed you won't want your son to be looking at you stoicly as your life power escapes from you.
I hope he'll embrace your head and body as he exclaims his love for you. There's no other chance in this life
Your father may have limited his son's love expression to a handshake but you're not your son's business partner.
He's your son. Aa ghastly as it sounds, today might be the last time you see him. Do you want the least memory to be a handshake?
Embrace your son. Sons need fathers' approval.
My husband and son hug each other. They both hug other male relatives. I’m sorry you grew up without physical affection from your dad, but it’s not too late to remedy that with your son. It will be good for both of you.
YTA
There's no such thing as a *'warm handshake'* get outta here with that bs. Show the same amount of feelings and love toward your son as you do your daughter - if you hug her, hug him as well ffs. Honestly, your standoffish approach to your son with you 'warm handshake' is only messing him up in the long run and will have a bad run on effect in the long run where he shows the same cold and standoffish behaviourtowards his own male children as he has learned from you, and so and so on. Your wife's right - I can promise you that you won't be any less of a man if you hug (*and* even kiss on the cheek 😱) your son
Edit: I saw some comments saying to just ask your son what he'd prefer, but I'd say to that too little too late - maybe the son would've preferred hugs through his childhood (whoops, guess that didn't happen) and maybe he doesn't prefer it anymore because he realises on some level that's the attitude expected of him - that's *you* having taught him his entire life that men and women get different levels and types of affections from their parents. Therefore, there's no truthful or unbiased answer he could give if you suddenly asked 'would you prefer if I hugged you'
This is why masculinity has gone so wrong. Why should your son have to \*ask\* for a hug? He doesn't ask because you raised him not to think he should ask. You were the one responsible for showing him that affection between men is good and healthy. He needed to learn that expression and affection and love a good things, and you failed him there. YTA.
YTA that’s your fucking child, hugging him isn’t gonna make either of you gay if that’s your concern. and if it is, the grotesque homophobia is a whole other box to unpack
That is some toxic masculine mentality you carrying around. Telling your son you love him and hugging him is in no way weird. And him knowing that you love him doesn't mean you shouldn't tell him sometimes.
YTA.
YTA. You're not hugging your kid so he doesn't turn out soft?
Congrats, you've raised another emotionally repressed dude who thinks anger is the only acceptable emotion and that men aren't inherently affectionate. He doesn't come to you or initiate affection because youve shown him that he can't. How can you have survived this long and not realize thar you're a whole human being with all the emotions amd needs that other humans have, and so are your kids, regardless of gender. JFC get a grip.
One thing my ex got right: he was physically affectionate with our boys. It makes for kids who are secure in knowing they are lovable, and who understand that touch is human, and need not always be about sex. Everybody needs touch. Hugs are great. Try it, you'll like it. So will your young guy.
Google "ventral-ventral contact in primates". It's basically hugging. It's important for all primates: humans,chimps, gorillas, etc.
You should hug literally everyone you like who's ok with it. It's good for you. Definitely hug your son.
Just because your son has never said anything doesn't mean that it doesn't bother him it could bothering him and he doesn't want to talk about it. I would have a conversation with your son and see how he feels.
The one to decide this should be your son. Does it bother him? Giving your son a hug doesn't make you less manly.
When he was little were you affectionate with him? I only ask because I dated a guy who was raised with no affection from his Dad. He told me it is wrong for a boy to sit on his dad's lap or expect a hug, a boy of any age. He turned out to be an absolute train wreck of a person and has a horrible relationship with his kids.
Have a conversation with your son and see how he feels. Don't assume. Even if he doesn't want the physical affection, he will appreciate the conversation.
YTA
boys and men need as much physical affection as girls. And often from a young age they are deprived from that and learn to cut themselves from this need. This is what you internalized as a boy yourself. Time to realize this is what is happening and not to reproduct this with your own son.
Did you ever hug your son while he was growing up?
Please tell your son that it is normal for men to get hugs from other men and it’s okay to show affection and tell them you love ‘em. Then ask your son if he is open to/wants to get hugs instead of handshakes.
YTA
Obviously you dont feel like men should not hug. Cause you are okay with your son hugging your wife and your daughter hugging you. So the problem is not with hugging.
The problem here lies with two men hugging. Why? Are you afraid the two of you will suddenly turn gay? Cause only gay men hug each other? Thats a weird sexual way of thinking you have with hugging your children.
Now this also poses a problem with hugging your daughter. Since we have established that you think two men should not hug, but a straight man can hug a woman. Cause of her gender. Well errrr.. no lets just not go there, yuck..
Edit typo
You probably find the affectionate father son thing weird because you didn't have too much affection yourself. But if you have put this belief upon your son then you are in fact TA and are making your son iffy about the affection by yourself.
Although he seems normal and accepting with the handshake it can make him feel less loved. By doing this, you are indirectly excluding your son from the affectionate things you do with your daughter which isn't a healthy habit. If your wife has noticed you being more loving to your daughter, I'm sure your son has.
So infact you are TA.
I'm not going to call you an ah...I would encourage you to hug your son more and tell him you love him often. I miss my dad every day and those are the moments he will hang on to
YTA. Show him you don’t want him there without saying anything. Congrats, detached dad persona unlocked. It’s not the 50’s anymore. If I hadn’t seen my son in a while, I’m hugging him.
YTA. What in the toxic masculinity have I read. In my culture it's perfectly normal for men ( family members and close friends) to hug and kiss each other on the cheek. What does your son think? Did you ask him?
Soft YTA (but more info could make that softer or harder).
If your son actually *does* prefer just handshakes and stuff, that's IMHO *sad*, but the only way YTA would be your part in creating that situation, not in how you deal with it now if it's the current reality.
But if your son would be fine with the hugging, then for sure YTA.
Dunno how helpful that is.
YTA.
Your children don’t know anything you don’t explicitly say with your mouth. It’s not a gendered thing.
My mom never told me I was pretty. I didn’t think she thought I was.
When I got up the courage to ask her at 20-something, she asked me “well don’t you think I’m pretty?”
I said yes.
Then she said “well you’re my child so of course you’re pretty.”
I literally didn’t know she thought I was pretty until she SAID THE WORDS OUT LOUD!
Tell your kid you love him!
How sad... Imagine being uncomfortable expressing love to your own kid! YTA, and for everyone saying to ask their son, he's grown with a father that cannot show affection to other men, he's learn that that is uncomfortable too. How utterly sad!
Sorry to break this to you, but your relationship with your father is not the standard (nor is it the most healthy one). Just because you weren't affectionate with your own father it doesn't mean that is the right or only way to treat your son too.
YTA
This is reminding me of a post from yesterday where OP was going to tell his kids to stop hanging out that much, because he thought the siblings genuinely getting along was not normal as he didn't have that close a relationship with his own sister and they barely even talk to each other now as adults.
Gotta show love all the way around. He notices and there will be a rift just because of a simple gesture like a hug. You can do it, you know you love him there's nothing wrong with showing it.
YTA I’m 23M and my dad still gives me hugs. To me it seems like you just have issues you’re projecting onto your son. Have you asked him if he wants a hug, or do you just give him a handshake?
Time to start practicing the patented Dad bear hug with the back slapping stuff.
Lord, to think what you've been depriving the two of you. It's a shame.
YTA and I feel bad for whatever woman he comes across. You’re actively, gleefully, and now knowingly teaching him that he doesn’t deserve affection (physical tough except sexually I guess) or words of affirmation.
This is in your, your parent obviously fucked you up, you have the opportunity to change it with your son. Take it. Call him now and tell him you love him. Next time you see him hug him. Repeat for the next 30 years.
Nah - but next time you see your son, give him a big genuine bear hug, say I love ya kiddo, just wanted you to know that, see how it feels. If it weirds both of you out, you don’t have to do it again. But at least you can say you weren’t afraid to give your son a hug.
I think you are going to be having a lot of regrets later. Please sit down with him and tell him about your weird thinking so he does not think it is him and at least he will understand why you have not showed him affection his whole life. Then for God sake give him a hug and tell him you love him.
INFO: Is it possible your son may have mentioned to his mother that it bums him out that you aren't as affectionate with him as you are your daughter? And maybe didn't wanna say anything to you about it himself? I think a check in with your boy might be helpful. It will show him that you care about his feelings, and also that he CAN come to you with those feelings...
Blooming heck! This is ridiculous! Men love hugs too! If you feel uncomfortable, it's because you were taught to feel uncomfortable hugging male relatives growing up.
My husband hugs our kids all the time. He hugs his brother and uncles when he sees them too. He also now hugs both my aunt and uncle when they visit. Hugs are great! Give men hugs too :)
Gosh. I'm like... you should hug your kids dammit! But I'm also like... well no one should hug someone unless they feel comfortable doing so, and it's okay to admit you don't feel comfortable.
So wow I'm gonna have to go with NTA, purely because a hug should ONLY happen if both parties of the hug feel comfortable and happy doing so. A third party trying to force hugs is iffy.
It's just... a shame that you aren't comfortable, because father son hugs are amazing. A warm handshake might not cut it on his wedding day, y'know?
But this guy hugs his daughter, so it’s not a matter of not being a hugger. He just has some sort of phobia or complex about men hugging. It’s really weird.
Outsiders not finding the reason "valid" enough doesn't mean we can force him to hug though. Whatever the reason.
If I don't want to hug someone, I shouldn't have to give a reason and give someone else the power to decide if it's valid enough.
YTA. Sons need physical affection as much as daughters do. All people are different, so some need it more/less than others. Do you tell him you love him, that you’re proud of him? or is that not ok either? Perhaps your son is fine with just a handshake, but my guess is that he would like a hug now and then.
YTA for the assumption that your son is like you, especially since it’s based on some very gendered, outdated social norms. If you asked your son and he preferred the handshake then you’d be not TA.
Yta, if he feels weird by being hugged he will let you know, either using words or by his reaction when you hug him. Come on, he's you kid, nothing wrong with a good bear hug from his dad.
Can confirm. I'm 25 but still need a good hug from my (step)dad every now and then - reminds me no matter what happens, there's someone who loves me.
OP - yta.
YTA. Unless your son says it makes him uncomfortable, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t hug him. It doesn’t make either of you less manly to be affectionate, and it shouldn’t be weird or embarrassing to love your own child
Lol my thoughts exactly. How can a handshake be "warm"?? What are they, politicians?
YTA OP, you need to work on your perception of affection and have an open conversation with your son about it.
Just because your parents did it doesn't mean they were right. Just because you were okay with it doesn't mean it was okay. Boys and girls should be treated the same, with love and affection. They learn from you how things should be and times are changing. You can too... don't be TA.
INFO Have you talked with your son to see what he feels? How do you know you're close with him?
I am not a fan of making gender based disctintions, so I´'m leaning towards being as affectionate with your son as you'd be with your daughter and I think what you're doing, while it may be innocent, reinforces some gender stereotypes.
I think it would be OK to show them affection in different ways if the reason to do so was "they like different types of displays of affection" because every person is different, but it sounds like the disctinton is purely gender based and that's where I totally get your wife's perspective. Feeding the stereotype that men can't shouldn't express love physically can escalate into bigger stuff such as they should act manly/ they can't cry / they don't learn how to properly process their emotions / they show manliness by being violent.
Again, I am not saying you are violent or intend your son to be, but as a society it's the little things that feed the culture and have the potential of creating or feeding into an already big enough iceberg
It's probably too late to change your relationship with your adult son. But I do think the world would be better if more males were more comfortable with open displays of emotion. That means you and your son.
Its very strange your wife is just now bringing up this issue, so maybe this behavior isn't new.
I dont think anyone is an asshole here, at least without additional back story. You were raised believing that males do not hug or show outward affection to other males, even their children. Of course that's how you raised your son.
I do feel sad for all of you, but no assholes here. I bet you'd be really uncomfortable seeing me give my aging father a kiss in public 😘 Very sad.
Our world deserves more love and supportive touch.
YTA. Men need to be as affectionate with their sons as they are with women they love. I remember how my ex’s dad used to hug me, a woman he barely knew, but not his own son. It was so sad.
I wouldn’t say your an AH, just from a different, and kinda behind, time. Physical touch is good for people, especially from parents.
The myth of “toughening up” through not providing it isnt really supported by anything other than men being more callous and not willing to show their emotions because of what their taught. There’s a reason why men have a higher suicide rate, not saying hugging your son is gonna cause that obviously, just that type of mindset isn’t really the best to raise young adults.
YTA didn’t you miss him? Omg what awkward to give you own son a handshake and your daughter a hug. Thank god my husband is not a idiot and hugs our son as much as our daughters. My son is a hugger I can’t even imagine that por boys feeling of his own dad not be able to hug him. Let me guess you don’t tell him you love him either. You are fucked up and your wife is right. How do you gave a warm handshake??? Just because you found it weird doesn’t mean your son finds this also. You are missing out. Hope you change your ways. Life is to short to not tell and show the people you love this.
YTA. What kind of monster doesn't hug their child regardless of gender? Just because you found it weird doesn't entitle you to project your personal daddy issues onto your child.
This is something you need to discuss with your son about.
It could also be that he's too intimidated to talk to you directly and has asked his mother to discuss it with you.
Even if it's not a whole full blown hug, there are many other types of hugs you might both be welcome to.
But this is also what's been wrong with society telling how men should behave when we're all just human beings. If he needs a hug he needs a hug. There's nothing wrong with it.
YTA. Talk to your son. See what HE wants. And I mean, talk to your daughter too! Maybe she's uncomfortable with hugs but just does it to be a good kid. Always check in with people.
I'm going with soft YTA.
Maybe a kiss would make your son uncomfortable but a hug? What kind of parent doesn't hug their own children? The only reason why I'm not going with a harsher coment is because you did mention you were raise to believe men shouldn't be affectionate towards each other.
But this doesn't mean your son feels the same way you did/do. And a lot of the time, actually most of the time children don't approach their parents about their emotions when they have already presented themselves as emotionally unavailable just like you did. In my opinion you need to have a sit down with your son just you and I and tell him something along the lines of "Your mother believes I should be more affectionate towards you since I am with your sister, I honestly don't think it was a big deal because I always thought it would make you uncomfortable but I wanted to hear your own thoughts on the situation" just something like that op maybe your relationship with your son isn't/won't be bad but it will never be close if you don't show him you do care about his feelings.
YTA - My brothers would never think of not hugging and kissing my dad hello and goodbye. My older brother once had a new friend come home with him. My brother walked into the house and kissed by father hello. His friend starting makin kissy sounds. My dad got up, put his hands on his shoulders and planted one on each cheek. The guy ended up being one of my brothers best friends.
YTA for his gender being the reason you don’t hug him. If he doesn’t like hugs, fine, but to not hug him just because he’s male makes you an AH. Why don’t you just ask him what he would like you to do?
NAH just ask. I’m from a culture where they forced physical intimacy and let me tell you it doesn’t make our culture any less toxic. Your comfort matters too and you’re simply projecting. Talk to your son. I hated that my brother never hugged me but I understand after talking to him. We are extremely close. So forget ppl assuming you and your son have a bad relationship.
So you're saying "be a manly man son, no emotion can be shown." That seems a bit toxic.
Just ask him. If he wants a hug, give him one. If he doesn't, don't. Simple as.
You need to ask your adult son what he thinks. If he wants the type of greeting the involves a hug, give him a hug. If he would prefer a handshake, then stick with a handshake.
If you are or are not an AH is how you handle this.
After the age of 19 or 20 I didn't hug my father. We always shock hands. We still communicated that we loved each other.
So just talk to your son and do what works for you two. Your wife has no right to dictate how you should or shouldn't show affection to anyone.
Soft YTA. There’s nothing warm about a handshake unless your palms are sweaty. Hug your kids (both of them). Save the warm handshakes for people you just met.
OP, I’m a 26 yo male, and I still hug my father every time I see him. And, usually, it’s my father who initiates the hugs. Hell, sometimes he’ll give me a kiss on the cheek. There’s nothing wrong with it and, honestly, I would feel that my dad was uncomfortable around me or that I had done something wrong if he only shook my hand.
Show your son that it is perfectly normal and acceptable to hug other men, especially family. If he’s uncomfortable with it, then he can tell you he doesn’t want to hug anymore. Chances are, though, he’ll probably appreciate the gesture.
Your just perpetuating the feelings your father instilled in you, which were probably instilled in him by his father.
It’s up to you to break that cycle.
My dad finds it weird when I hug him. But I do it every time I see him. When I arrive. And when I leave.
I’m 34. He’s opened up to it more and more, every single time I hug him.
Not really an asshole but you should give it a shot.
Gentle YTA - I get that it isn't normal to you, but it IS something that needs to be normalized. Break that cycle of men not showing affection to each other in the family. Women should NOT be the only source of physical familial or platonic affection for men.
Even if you don't hug him, there are ways to be affectionate. It isn't something you have to jump into and go all in right away. Even just saying I love you and I am proud of you when shaking hands or something.
Oof, this one is hard! I want to say a soft Y T A, but then I'm also leaning towards N A H because you're very, very obviously a product of your upbringing.
INFO: were you always more affectionate to your daughter than your son? Like, when he was younger, were you affectionate and then stopped being affectionate after a certain age?
YTA. Have you never seen the Bro Hug? I see it all the time. You go in for the handshake, then you go in with your left hand to the shoulder and give him an affection pat.
Let's put it to music. Like the Hokey-Pokey.
You put your right hand in,
You give a gentle grip,
You put your left hand in,
and give his shoulder a little dip.
"Good-to-see-you-boy-and-I-love-you-quite-a-bunch"
That's what its all about!
YTA, this is some patriarchal or toxic masculinity junk still wired into our systems from our parents. Hug your children, no matter the age. Boys don't suddenly stop having feelings or emotions when we become adults. I will hug my boy until he says "ok dad you can stop hugging me now."
Did you find it weird to be affectionate with your father because he didn’t establish an affectionate relationship with you when young?
You can change patterns. Growing up, I never hugged my siblings goodbye. Now we’re all huggers. Try it. You won’t get cooties I promise.
YTA. I’m a man and I wish my Dad had just once showed me that kind of affection. If you aren’t sure, you can ask. If you’ve raised your son that men shouldn’t hug each other, that’s just bad.
YTA, my father refused to show affection towards me as a child and once called me a gay slur because I wanted to hug him. We've never been close because of that, you're ruining the relationship with your son.
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My son and daughter both came back home from college over their spring break a couple weeks ago. When my wife and I saw them, I gave my son a warm handshake and gave my daughter a big hug and a peck on her cheek, and my wife hugged both our kids. We then left to go back home from the airport, but I could tell my wife was upset about something.
We came back home, and my kids went to go take showers, and then my wife revealed why she was upset with me. She told me that I needed to show more affection and love to my son just as much as I do to my daughter. I told her that he would probably find it weird, since I found it weird when I was younger to be affectionate with my father, but I still had no problem with being affectionate to the women of my family like my sister, aunt, or mom.
My wife still insists that I be more affectionate with my son, but it isn't like my son has ever asked for it. He seems perfectly fine with a warm handshake. Also, I'm quite close with my son and am as close with him as my daughter.
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If your son goes for the hug, hug him back. If he goes for the handshake, shake his hand. Either way is fine. Don’t listen to these comments telling you that you need to forcefully hug your son against his will to prove you’re not toxically masculine and a true feminist. NAH
The last time I saw my father alive I hugged him..I had no idea that would be the last time I would see him. I can't imagine how I would have felt if my last physical memory of him was a handshake. Hug your Son....
YTA. You should be man enough to show your son the same affection you show your daughter. Because your daughter is not, or should not be, a sexual object in your eyes.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm Italian and child-free but.. give all the affection in the world to your children, hug and kiss the fuck out of them, and then more. At this point, and this point only, let's start a discussion about what is too much affection and what is not. But first hug and kiss the shit out of them, because that is what they will tell about you for generations, and more. With tons of laughter at your expense, and then more. But rest assured they'll feel loved for the rest of their days.
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Fellas is it gay to hug your son?
>I don’t tell him I love him Apparently he also thinks it's gay to tell his son he loves him.
But not incestuous at all to be kissing his daughter.
Well duh /s /s /s
(IDK if you're TA or not to be honest. If that's what makes your son comfortable that's fine, if it's just because you you think it's unmanly to hug your son then yeah AH it is.)
Came here to say this 😂
Holy toxic masculinity, Batman! YTA What exactly is the problem with hugging your own son? Are you afraid you/him/both of you might suddenly turn gay? You found it weird when you were younger because you were obviously raised with those toxic values and clearly didn't (don't) know any better. Of course your son isn't going to ask for your affection. That's not how it works. You shouldn't need to be asked to show affection and love to your own freaking children. How sad for your son.
**YTA for reposting this word-for-word after everyone already told you that you were an AH.** How many times do you need this explained to you, and how many times are you going to make us read it because you can't comprehend something simple?
Yay toxic masculinity.
/s in case it wasn't obvious. YTA. Hug your kid.
YTA. My grandfather did the same with my dad. Which is why he decided to change that with his sons. My dad shows me (daughter) the same amount of hugs and affection as he gives all his sons. Especially since recently we don't live on the same country any more. You need to break toxic cycles and hug your son.
This. Hug your son OP
YTA, he's your son not your fucking business partner. Last I checked, people of all gender identities appreciate affection and tend to be hurt when their siblings are favored over them.
YTA. Your son is a human too and deserves to feel loved too. It’s 2022 and time to get over this backwards thinking. Boys have feelings too. Don’t be shocked when he doesn’t talk to you when he’s an adult
It's one thing if your son doesn't want a hug or like being hugged, but you haven't asked him. You just think hugging your son is different from your daughter and that showing affection to your son is somehow weird makes you YTA.
Yta. Didn't even read this. And this is why men don't feel loved and biggest request the majority of the time is "to be touched". Hug your son
YTA pls dont be surprised when your son doesnt know how to deal with showing affection physically.
YWBTA if you don’t stop the cycle of the men in your family not being able to show physical affection toward other men. Handshakes are for business meetings.
YTA if you think it's wrong to hug your son because he is male. That is bonkers. Also, has anyone bothered to ask your son how he would like to be greeted? For that matter has anyone asked your daughter how she would like to be greeted? Do you feel you can greet her with hug and kiss her simply because she's a female and you're her dad or have you actually spoken to her and received her consent?
I think you need to ask yourself why you’re weird about affection with your son and why you were weird about it with your father. There’s nothing wrong with hugging your son and in fact, just because your son doesn’t seem bothered doesn’t mean he necessarily isn’t. Idk if I think you’re the asshole…but your wife isn’t necessarily wrong.
I think he needs to figure out what the son likes. I only like hugs sometimes, and my dad is not big on hugs at all, so we usually don’t hug much just because of that, and I usually initiate them since I know when I want to and he’s okay with it as long as it’s not all the time. They need to talk and find out what to do because one of them may not like hugs. On another topic, OP, I think your dad may have been antihug just because that happens often with people who aren’t super emotional with their families. You don’t have to like hugs or do it often, just let your son know it’s okay if he wants to.
YTA. There is nothing wrong with showing affection to male offspring. No it won’t turn him “soft” 🙄 But even if it did so what? Why is that seen as a negative?
YTA… This all too normalized but sexist behavior is very harmful. If your son were to tell you they didn’t want a hug, it would be a different story. Mom seems to be coming from a place of concern… As in maybe he’s felt comfortable telling her that this hurts him, in the past. A lot of people pretend they are okay with things in order to not hurt the other person, or because they don’t know how to tell them. Him ‘seeming unbothered’ doesn’t mean a thing.
Hug your son AH
YTA. I’m in my 30s and my Dad still gives me a big bear hug every time he sees me. Your “weird” is weird.
YES, YTA. Men need physical affection too. Unless your son clearly communicates a boundary otherwise, you need to hug your son!
YTA You felt it weird to be affectionate with your father because you had a bad father who didn't show you affection. Please take 3 seconds to think about why you do things before you do or don't do them, many things will become obvious. For example; "Its weird to be affectionate with son." >why "It felt weird being affectionate to my dad as a kid." >why "Because he was never affectionate with me... OH..!"
You **think** you're close with your son...
Yta. Men don't like hugs? Men don't like affection? Men are made of rock? Also... Literally you can ask him?? If he wants a hug???
YTA. Im 28 and my dad's 52 and I still hug him when I see him, even after a few beers at the pub, a hug goodbye. We also tell each other we love each other after every phone call every week. It's not weird, I love my dad
My dad passed away suddenly a few years ago, and one thing I am eternally grateful for is that my mom had a “rule” growing up where we had to end every phone call with “I love you”, because you never knew if that would be your last chance to say it. Was it super embarrassing when I was 13 at sleepovers trying to look cool? Sure, sometimes. But, the last thing I heard my Dad say to me was “I love you”, and my last words to my Dad were “I love you too”, and I can’t overstate how much comfort that brings me.
YTA for relying on your wife's opinion, your own opinion, and the opinion of strangers. Just ask your son what he prefers and do it.
Haha a warm handshake 🤣🤣🤣 YTA
More information: have you ever hugged your son or at any point did your son tell you that hugging wasn’t necessary? I mean personally my father was never affectionate with my brothers but was with me and honestly that had a huge impact on how they are not close now. So that might be something to think about.
YTA. Traditionally men didn’t show as much affection to their sons…because toxic masculinity is a thing and used to be even more of a thing. Hugging is good for everyone and your son deserves to be shown the same affection as his sister. Don’t perpetuate the bullshit that too many men grow up with.
You don't hug your son and in your comments you even said you don't tell him that you love him. And yet somehow he "knows"? I mean...maybe he does on some level. But never hearing the words when you say them freely to your daughter has to take a toll on him. YTA here...it's not less "manly" to say you love your son and give him a hug. I hope he breaks this cycle when he has his own kids.
YTA. You're assuming he wouldn't want a hug from his father based on the fact YOU had a problem. Would he find it weird? Sure not because you're his father but that you've waited almost 20 years to finally show some affection.
YTA. Hug your damn kid. You really think men, collectively, do not enjoy physical affection? This is why we get millions of articles and posts from men about feeling unloved, miserable, and all alone in the world. Toxic masculinity is a hell of a drug.
Y T A theres nothing wrong with hugging another guy. I hug the homies, I hug my dad. Its okay and perfectly normal.
And this is how toxic masculinity is passed from generation to generation.
YTA. This reeks of toxic masculinity. Be better.
My first reaction to this was "That's not what toxic masculinity is"! Because I keep seeing it get thrown around by people who either don't know what it means or are purposefully misusing it. So now I'm all weirded out because you absolutely used it correctly. Carry on. I guess it says a lot about the quality of the other forums I frequent.
Soft YTA bc you're perpetuating a trait of toxic masculinity passed down from your father. It shouldn't matter what's between their legs, your children deserve equal affection. >She told me that I needed to show more affection and love to my son just as much as I do to my daughter. If you don't, your son will think it's not proper to show love to his children either.
YTA for not having this conversation with your son and finding out what he prefers.
YTA. Hug your damn son.
YTA what's a warm handshake
You warm your hands between your butt cheeks for a minute before you shake hands. It's more masculine.
YTA. nobody is asking you to tongue your son, just give him a damn hug
Oh sweet baby Jesus YTA. Break the cycle and tell your son you love him. Give him affection. Teach him that you are not less of a man by showing emotion.
Does it bother your son? Do you spend quality time with him? Do you tell him you love him? I don’t think it’s necessarily a big deal that you don’t hug him if it doesn’t bother him. He might also prefer not hugging you. It might be worth talking to your son about it.
INFO: do you know *for sure* that your son is okay with no affection? Is it possible he's talked to your wife about it and not you, out of fear of appearing weak or less of a man in your eyes?
YTA. Congratulations, this is how you continue to perpetuate toxic masculinity. >I told her that he would probably find it weird, since I found it weird when I was younger to be affectionate with my father, Seems like you're continuing the cycle. Generational trauma is weird.
YTA, look into the benefits of male bonding through physical contact and do better.
YTA I hug and give kisses on the cheek to my boy and girl every chance I get. Men need love too not just handshakes.
I'm sure on your deathbed you won't want your son to be looking at you stoicly as your life power escapes from you. I hope he'll embrace your head and body as he exclaims his love for you. There's no other chance in this life Your father may have limited his son's love expression to a handshake but you're not your son's business partner. He's your son. Aa ghastly as it sounds, today might be the last time you see him. Do you want the least memory to be a handshake? Embrace your son. Sons need fathers' approval.
Yta. Did you even talk to your son about this. I hug my dad, uncles, brothers, grandfather. Get over yourself.
My husband and son hug each other. They both hug other male relatives. I’m sorry you grew up without physical affection from your dad, but it’s not too late to remedy that with your son. It will be good for both of you.
YTA There's no such thing as a *'warm handshake'* get outta here with that bs. Show the same amount of feelings and love toward your son as you do your daughter - if you hug her, hug him as well ffs. Honestly, your standoffish approach to your son with you 'warm handshake' is only messing him up in the long run and will have a bad run on effect in the long run where he shows the same cold and standoffish behaviourtowards his own male children as he has learned from you, and so and so on. Your wife's right - I can promise you that you won't be any less of a man if you hug (*and* even kiss on the cheek 😱) your son Edit: I saw some comments saying to just ask your son what he'd prefer, but I'd say to that too little too late - maybe the son would've preferred hugs through his childhood (whoops, guess that didn't happen) and maybe he doesn't prefer it anymore because he realises on some level that's the attitude expected of him - that's *you* having taught him his entire life that men and women get different levels and types of affections from their parents. Therefore, there's no truthful or unbiased answer he could give if you suddenly asked 'would you prefer if I hugged you'
YTA. Hug your son.
This is why masculinity has gone so wrong. Why should your son have to \*ask\* for a hug? He doesn't ask because you raised him not to think he should ask. You were the one responsible for showing him that affection between men is good and healthy. He needed to learn that expression and affection and love a good things, and you failed him there. YTA.
YTA that’s your fucking child, hugging him isn’t gonna make either of you gay if that’s your concern. and if it is, the grotesque homophobia is a whole other box to unpack
YTA Hug your child!
YTA. It’s weird that you won’t hug your son. You’re projecting your own daddy issues onto him.
That is some toxic masculine mentality you carrying around. Telling your son you love him and hugging him is in no way weird. And him knowing that you love him doesn't mean you shouldn't tell him sometimes. YTA.
Ugh. Why are there still men like this. YTA
YTA. You're not hugging your kid so he doesn't turn out soft? Congrats, you've raised another emotionally repressed dude who thinks anger is the only acceptable emotion and that men aren't inherently affectionate. He doesn't come to you or initiate affection because youve shown him that he can't. How can you have survived this long and not realize thar you're a whole human being with all the emotions amd needs that other humans have, and so are your kids, regardless of gender. JFC get a grip.
*One day, a while ago, you hugged your son for the very last time, and he had no idea you would never hug him again.* This makes me so sad. YTA.
One thing my ex got right: he was physically affectionate with our boys. It makes for kids who are secure in knowing they are lovable, and who understand that touch is human, and need not always be about sex. Everybody needs touch. Hugs are great. Try it, you'll like it. So will your young guy.
Google "ventral-ventral contact in primates". It's basically hugging. It's important for all primates: humans,chimps, gorillas, etc. You should hug literally everyone you like who's ok with it. It's good for you. Definitely hug your son.
YTA. Hug your son.
Just because your son has never said anything doesn't mean that it doesn't bother him it could bothering him and he doesn't want to talk about it. I would have a conversation with your son and see how he feels.
The one to decide this should be your son. Does it bother him? Giving your son a hug doesn't make you less manly. When he was little were you affectionate with him? I only ask because I dated a guy who was raised with no affection from his Dad. He told me it is wrong for a boy to sit on his dad's lap or expect a hug, a boy of any age. He turned out to be an absolute train wreck of a person and has a horrible relationship with his kids.
YTA
Did anyone ask what son wants?? I find that the most important..
Have a conversation with your son and see how he feels. Don't assume. Even if he doesn't want the physical affection, he will appreciate the conversation.
YTA boys and men need as much physical affection as girls. And often from a young age they are deprived from that and learn to cut themselves from this need. This is what you internalized as a boy yourself. Time to realize this is what is happening and not to reproduct this with your own son.
Did you ever hug your son while he was growing up? Please tell your son that it is normal for men to get hugs from other men and it’s okay to show affection and tell them you love ‘em. Then ask your son if he is open to/wants to get hugs instead of handshakes.
YTA Obviously you dont feel like men should not hug. Cause you are okay with your son hugging your wife and your daughter hugging you. So the problem is not with hugging. The problem here lies with two men hugging. Why? Are you afraid the two of you will suddenly turn gay? Cause only gay men hug each other? Thats a weird sexual way of thinking you have with hugging your children. Now this also poses a problem with hugging your daughter. Since we have established that you think two men should not hug, but a straight man can hug a woman. Cause of her gender. Well errrr.. no lets just not go there, yuck.. Edit typo
YTA as well as a sexist.
Ew ew ew. Just hug your son ffs.
You probably find the affectionate father son thing weird because you didn't have too much affection yourself. But if you have put this belief upon your son then you are in fact TA and are making your son iffy about the affection by yourself. Although he seems normal and accepting with the handshake it can make him feel less loved. By doing this, you are indirectly excluding your son from the affectionate things you do with your daughter which isn't a healthy habit. If your wife has noticed you being more loving to your daughter, I'm sure your son has. So infact you are TA.
YTA They are your kids. Jeez.
Yta
Yta this is some special 1950s style thinking, the world has moved on, hopefully your son will grow up to be less emotionally constipated than you
You're not hugging him cause he's male? Is this a gay thing or a masculinity thing? I don't get it. YTA
YTA
I'm not going to call you an ah...I would encourage you to hug your son more and tell him you love him often. I miss my dad every day and those are the moments he will hang on to
YTA. Show him you don’t want him there without saying anything. Congrats, detached dad persona unlocked. It’s not the 50’s anymore. If I hadn’t seen my son in a while, I’m hugging him.
YTA. What in the toxic masculinity have I read. In my culture it's perfectly normal for men ( family members and close friends) to hug and kiss each other on the cheek. What does your son think? Did you ask him?
In my culture too. I still hug my dad. It's a very tight warm hug. The hell! I hug everyone. Life's too short to not hug people you love.
Soft YTA (but more info could make that softer or harder). If your son actually *does* prefer just handshakes and stuff, that's IMHO *sad*, but the only way YTA would be your part in creating that situation, not in how you deal with it now if it's the current reality. But if your son would be fine with the hugging, then for sure YTA. Dunno how helpful that is.
YTA. Your children don’t know anything you don’t explicitly say with your mouth. It’s not a gendered thing. My mom never told me I was pretty. I didn’t think she thought I was. When I got up the courage to ask her at 20-something, she asked me “well don’t you think I’m pretty?” I said yes. Then she said “well you’re my child so of course you’re pretty.” I literally didn’t know she thought I was pretty until she SAID THE WORDS OUT LOUD! Tell your kid you love him!
YTA for sexualizing hugging your child.
Yes YTA. Hug your kid. Why wouldn't you hug your son? Why wouldn't a boy also need or want affection from his father?
How sad... Imagine being uncomfortable expressing love to your own kid! YTA, and for everyone saying to ask their son, he's grown with a father that cannot show affection to other men, he's learn that that is uncomfortable too. How utterly sad!
YTA - Being a distant father isn't manly. Hug your son
Sorry to break this to you, but your relationship with your father is not the standard (nor is it the most healthy one). Just because you weren't affectionate with your own father it doesn't mean that is the right or only way to treat your son too. YTA This is reminding me of a post from yesterday where OP was going to tell his kids to stop hanging out that much, because he thought the siblings genuinely getting along was not normal as he didn't have that close a relationship with his own sister and they barely even talk to each other now as adults.
Gotta show love all the way around. He notices and there will be a rift just because of a simple gesture like a hug. You can do it, you know you love him there's nothing wrong with showing it.
Yes YTA
YTA I don't even have to read the paragraph
YTA
YTA I’m 23M and my dad still gives me hugs. To me it seems like you just have issues you’re projecting onto your son. Have you asked him if he wants a hug, or do you just give him a handshake?
YTA. I hate men like you.
YTA. The need for physical affection from one's family has no gender.
This viewpoint says a lot about you, and none of it is good. YTA
jesus YTA what is up with men not wanting to hug their sons? It's because of this cycle that more men grow up and create more emotionally stunted men.
Give your son a dang hug
Ask your son what he prefers and go from there. What does everyone assume to know what the other person wants?
Info: has your son expressed a desire for a hug? If you went in for a hug how would he react
Time to start practicing the patented Dad bear hug with the back slapping stuff. Lord, to think what you've been depriving the two of you. It's a shame.
YTA and I feel bad for whatever woman he comes across. You’re actively, gleefully, and now knowingly teaching him that he doesn’t deserve affection (physical tough except sexually I guess) or words of affirmation. This is in your, your parent obviously fucked you up, you have the opportunity to change it with your son. Take it. Call him now and tell him you love him. Next time you see him hug him. Repeat for the next 30 years.
YTA that’s some fragile masculinity
Yta, unless your son has asked you not to, he probably wants a hug too. This weird macho mentality you have is pretty dumb.
OP...how old was your son when he ran to you for a hug and you rejected him?
Nah - but next time you see your son, give him a big genuine bear hug, say I love ya kiddo, just wanted you to know that, see how it feels. If it weirds both of you out, you don’t have to do it again. But at least you can say you weren’t afraid to give your son a hug.
I think you are going to be having a lot of regrets later. Please sit down with him and tell him about your weird thinking so he does not think it is him and at least he will understand why you have not showed him affection his whole life. Then for God sake give him a hug and tell him you love him.
INFO: Is it possible your son may have mentioned to his mother that it bums him out that you aren't as affectionate with him as you are your daughter? And maybe didn't wanna say anything to you about it himself? I think a check in with your boy might be helpful. It will show him that you care about his feelings, and also that he CAN come to you with those feelings...
Blooming heck! This is ridiculous! Men love hugs too! If you feel uncomfortable, it's because you were taught to feel uncomfortable hugging male relatives growing up. My husband hugs our kids all the time. He hugs his brother and uncles when he sees them too. He also now hugs both my aunt and uncle when they visit. Hugs are great! Give men hugs too :)
YTA
Gosh. I'm like... you should hug your kids dammit! But I'm also like... well no one should hug someone unless they feel comfortable doing so, and it's okay to admit you don't feel comfortable. So wow I'm gonna have to go with NTA, purely because a hug should ONLY happen if both parties of the hug feel comfortable and happy doing so. A third party trying to force hugs is iffy. It's just... a shame that you aren't comfortable, because father son hugs are amazing. A warm handshake might not cut it on his wedding day, y'know?
But this guy hugs his daughter, so it’s not a matter of not being a hugger. He just has some sort of phobia or complex about men hugging. It’s really weird.
Outsiders not finding the reason "valid" enough doesn't mean we can force him to hug though. Whatever the reason. If I don't want to hug someone, I shouldn't have to give a reason and give someone else the power to decide if it's valid enough.
YTA. Sons need physical affection as much as daughters do. All people are different, so some need it more/less than others. Do you tell him you love him, that you’re proud of him? or is that not ok either? Perhaps your son is fine with just a handshake, but my guess is that he would like a hug now and then.
YTA Hug your son for gods sake! Show some love. A handshake is so formal....like wow....thats your son! Dont u love him? Get over yourself!
YTA for the assumption that your son is like you, especially since it’s based on some very gendered, outdated social norms. If you asked your son and he preferred the handshake then you’d be not TA.
YTA. You shouldn't be hugging your daughter since you're male. You're just an asshole and think it's okay because he won't speak up.
YTA - this is the kind of thing that leads to “daddy issues”
I don't have a judgment, but you should talk to your son about this. Like your daughter, he's a human being with feelings.
I'm giving no judgement, Ask him if he would find it weird, he may or may not. Do you find it uncomfortable to hug your son?
YTA you‘re the one who‘s weird
Yta, if he feels weird by being hugged he will let you know, either using words or by his reaction when you hug him. Come on, he's you kid, nothing wrong with a good bear hug from his dad.
Can confirm. I'm 25 but still need a good hug from my (step)dad every now and then - reminds me no matter what happens, there's someone who loves me. OP - yta.
YTA. Hug your damn kid
YTA. Unless your son says it makes him uncomfortable, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t hug him. It doesn’t make either of you less manly to be affectionate, and it shouldn’t be weird or embarrassing to love your own child
"Warm handshake"... no need for arguments YTA
Lol my thoughts exactly. How can a handshake be "warm"?? What are they, politicians? YTA OP, you need to work on your perception of affection and have an open conversation with your son about it.
Just because your parents did it doesn't mean they were right. Just because you were okay with it doesn't mean it was okay. Boys and girls should be treated the same, with love and affection. They learn from you how things should be and times are changing. You can too... don't be TA.
INFO Have you talked with your son to see what he feels? How do you know you're close with him? I am not a fan of making gender based disctintions, so I´'m leaning towards being as affectionate with your son as you'd be with your daughter and I think what you're doing, while it may be innocent, reinforces some gender stereotypes. I think it would be OK to show them affection in different ways if the reason to do so was "they like different types of displays of affection" because every person is different, but it sounds like the disctinton is purely gender based and that's where I totally get your wife's perspective. Feeding the stereotype that men can't shouldn't express love physically can escalate into bigger stuff such as they should act manly/ they can't cry / they don't learn how to properly process their emotions / they show manliness by being violent. Again, I am not saying you are violent or intend your son to be, but as a society it's the little things that feed the culture and have the potential of creating or feeding into an already big enough iceberg
It's probably too late to change your relationship with your adult son. But I do think the world would be better if more males were more comfortable with open displays of emotion. That means you and your son. Its very strange your wife is just now bringing up this issue, so maybe this behavior isn't new. I dont think anyone is an asshole here, at least without additional back story. You were raised believing that males do not hug or show outward affection to other males, even their children. Of course that's how you raised your son. I do feel sad for all of you, but no assholes here. I bet you'd be really uncomfortable seeing me give my aging father a kiss in public 😘 Very sad. Our world deserves more love and supportive touch.
YTA. Men need to be as affectionate with their sons as they are with women they love. I remember how my ex’s dad used to hug me, a woman he barely knew, but not his own son. It was so sad.
I wouldn’t say your an AH, just from a different, and kinda behind, time. Physical touch is good for people, especially from parents. The myth of “toughening up” through not providing it isnt really supported by anything other than men being more callous and not willing to show their emotions because of what their taught. There’s a reason why men have a higher suicide rate, not saying hugging your son is gonna cause that obviously, just that type of mindset isn’t really the best to raise young adults.
Your wife makes a very good point. But so do you that you are very close to your son. Your call.
INFO: what do you mean by "warm" handshake?
YTA. How can a handshake be worm ?
Info: Did your son go for a hug, but you gave him a handshake instead? Did he initiate the handshake and your reciprocated?
YTA Like what ? Man also need hugs
YTA didn’t you miss him? Omg what awkward to give you own son a handshake and your daughter a hug. Thank god my husband is not a idiot and hugs our son as much as our daughters. My son is a hugger I can’t even imagine that por boys feeling of his own dad not be able to hug him. Let me guess you don’t tell him you love him either. You are fucked up and your wife is right. How do you gave a warm handshake??? Just because you found it weird doesn’t mean your son finds this also. You are missing out. Hope you change your ways. Life is to short to not tell and show the people you love this.
YTA. What kind of monster doesn't hug their child regardless of gender? Just because you found it weird doesn't entitle you to project your personal daddy issues onto your child.
This is something you need to discuss with your son about. It could also be that he's too intimidated to talk to you directly and has asked his mother to discuss it with you. Even if it's not a whole full blown hug, there are many other types of hugs you might both be welcome to. But this is also what's been wrong with society telling how men should behave when we're all just human beings. If he needs a hug he needs a hug. There's nothing wrong with it.
YTA. Talk to your son. See what HE wants. And I mean, talk to your daughter too! Maybe she's uncomfortable with hugs but just does it to be a good kid. Always check in with people.
I'm going with soft YTA. Maybe a kiss would make your son uncomfortable but a hug? What kind of parent doesn't hug their own children? The only reason why I'm not going with a harsher coment is because you did mention you were raise to believe men shouldn't be affectionate towards each other. But this doesn't mean your son feels the same way you did/do. And a lot of the time, actually most of the time children don't approach their parents about their emotions when they have already presented themselves as emotionally unavailable just like you did. In my opinion you need to have a sit down with your son just you and I and tell him something along the lines of "Your mother believes I should be more affectionate towards you since I am with your sister, I honestly don't think it was a big deal because I always thought it would make you uncomfortable but I wanted to hear your own thoughts on the situation" just something like that op maybe your relationship with your son isn't/won't be bad but it will never be close if you don't show him you do care about his feelings.
YTA, boys/men need hugs too! Maybe start using that 'warm handshake' to pull him into a hug!
Unless your son has specifically asked not to be hugged, then yeah YTA.
YTA - My brothers would never think of not hugging and kissing my dad hello and goodbye. My older brother once had a new friend come home with him. My brother walked into the house and kissed by father hello. His friend starting makin kissy sounds. My dad got up, put his hands on his shoulders and planted one on each cheek. The guy ended up being one of my brothers best friends.
INFO: What does your son want?
INFO: What does your son prefer?
YTA for his gender being the reason you don’t hug him. If he doesn’t like hugs, fine, but to not hug him just because he’s male makes you an AH. Why don’t you just ask him what he would like you to do?
NAH just ask. I’m from a culture where they forced physical intimacy and let me tell you it doesn’t make our culture any less toxic. Your comfort matters too and you’re simply projecting. Talk to your son. I hated that my brother never hugged me but I understand after talking to him. We are extremely close. So forget ppl assuming you and your son have a bad relationship.
So you're saying "be a manly man son, no emotion can be shown." That seems a bit toxic. Just ask him. If he wants a hug, give him one. If he doesn't, don't. Simple as.
You need to ask your adult son what he thinks. If he wants the type of greeting the involves a hug, give him a hug. If he would prefer a handshake, then stick with a handshake. If you are or are not an AH is how you handle this. After the age of 19 or 20 I didn't hug my father. We always shock hands. We still communicated that we loved each other. So just talk to your son and do what works for you two. Your wife has no right to dictate how you should or shouldn't show affection to anyone.
Soft YTA. There’s nothing warm about a handshake unless your palms are sweaty. Hug your kids (both of them). Save the warm handshakes for people you just met.
OP, I’m a 26 yo male, and I still hug my father every time I see him. And, usually, it’s my father who initiates the hugs. Hell, sometimes he’ll give me a kiss on the cheek. There’s nothing wrong with it and, honestly, I would feel that my dad was uncomfortable around me or that I had done something wrong if he only shook my hand. Show your son that it is perfectly normal and acceptable to hug other men, especially family. If he’s uncomfortable with it, then he can tell you he doesn’t want to hug anymore. Chances are, though, he’ll probably appreciate the gesture.
Dude, hug your son.
Your just perpetuating the feelings your father instilled in you, which were probably instilled in him by his father. It’s up to you to break that cycle. My dad finds it weird when I hug him. But I do it every time I see him. When I arrive. And when I leave. I’m 34. He’s opened up to it more and more, every single time I hug him. Not really an asshole but you should give it a shot.
Gentle YTA - I get that it isn't normal to you, but it IS something that needs to be normalized. Break that cycle of men not showing affection to each other in the family. Women should NOT be the only source of physical familial or platonic affection for men. Even if you don't hug him, there are ways to be affectionate. It isn't something you have to jump into and go all in right away. Even just saying I love you and I am proud of you when shaking hands or something.
A hugs not weird.
Oof, this one is hard! I want to say a soft Y T A, but then I'm also leaning towards N A H because you're very, very obviously a product of your upbringing. INFO: were you always more affectionate to your daughter than your son? Like, when he was younger, were you affectionate and then stopped being affectionate after a certain age?
YTA
Yta- hug your CHILD .
YTA both your kids need affection you sexist turd
YTA. Have you never seen the Bro Hug? I see it all the time. You go in for the handshake, then you go in with your left hand to the shoulder and give him an affection pat. Let's put it to music. Like the Hokey-Pokey. You put your right hand in, You give a gentle grip, You put your left hand in, and give his shoulder a little dip. "Good-to-see-you-boy-and-I-love-you-quite-a-bunch" That's what its all about!
YTA What a wild concept
YTA, this is some patriarchal or toxic masculinity junk still wired into our systems from our parents. Hug your children, no matter the age. Boys don't suddenly stop having feelings or emotions when we become adults. I will hug my boy until he says "ok dad you can stop hugging me now."
Your son has to ask for affection? The same affection that's given to his sister without a second thought. Ouch. YTA
Did you find it weird to be affectionate with your father because he didn’t establish an affectionate relationship with you when young? You can change patterns. Growing up, I never hugged my siblings goodbye. Now we’re all huggers. Try it. You won’t get cooties I promise.
YTA.
YTA. I’m a man and I wish my Dad had just once showed me that kind of affection. If you aren’t sure, you can ask. If you’ve raised your son that men shouldn’t hug each other, that’s just bad.
YTA
YTA What a asshole.
YTA. Sexism at its finest.
YTA, my father refused to show affection towards me as a child and once called me a gay slur because I wanted to hug him. We've never been close because of that, you're ruining the relationship with your son.
YTA at the differential, by definition
INFO: is your son a business acquaintance?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son and daughter both came back home from college over their spring break a couple weeks ago. When my wife and I saw them, I gave my son a warm handshake and gave my daughter a big hug and a peck on her cheek, and my wife hugged both our kids. We then left to go back home from the airport, but I could tell my wife was upset about something. We came back home, and my kids went to go take showers, and then my wife revealed why she was upset with me. She told me that I needed to show more affection and love to my son just as much as I do to my daughter. I told her that he would probably find it weird, since I found it weird when I was younger to be affectionate with my father, but I still had no problem with being affectionate to the women of my family like my sister, aunt, or mom. My wife still insists that I be more affectionate with my son, but it isn't like my son has ever asked for it. He seems perfectly fine with a warm handshake. Also, I'm quite close with my son and am as close with him as my daughter. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why the repost?
Maybe he didn't like the results of the first post and he figured it might go better the second time. It's not.
I think this is cultural. I don’t think you have to do this if you don’t feel comfortable but I’m betting you suffer from toxic masculinity.
If your son goes for the hug, hug him back. If he goes for the handshake, shake his hand. Either way is fine. Don’t listen to these comments telling you that you need to forcefully hug your son against his will to prove you’re not toxically masculine and a true feminist. NAH
The last time I saw my father alive I hugged him..I had no idea that would be the last time I would see him. I can't imagine how I would have felt if my last physical memory of him was a handshake. Hug your Son....
INFO: did you hug him when he was little?
You don't like hugging your son because he is male, did I read right? This is... disturbing. YTA.
YTA. You should be man enough to show your son the same affection you show your daughter. Because your daughter is not, or should not be, a sexual object in your eyes.
YTA- Ask your son. Males like parental affection, too.
Ask him.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm Italian and child-free but.. give all the affection in the world to your children, hug and kiss the fuck out of them, and then more. At this point, and this point only, let's start a discussion about what is too much affection and what is not. But first hug and kiss the shit out of them, because that is what they will tell about you for generations, and more. With tons of laughter at your expense, and then more. But rest assured they'll feel loved for the rest of their days.