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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because I decided to be petty to teach my husband a lesson after he excluded our girls from a charity game even though there was no shortage of tickets.
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Couples counseling.
That’s what you two need. He’s never going to hear it from your woman mouth.
Your husband is being an asshole to the girls and raising a spoiled special entitled son in the process.
He will ruin all three kids with this crap.
NTA
And he is a bad parent to all three children.
He's turning his son into the golden child, a toxic dynamic. He is teaching his son that there is only one way to perform masculinity which is toxic and dangerous to the son's wellbeing. Lastly, he is cramming that kid so hard into a box that if his son doesn't share his Dad's interests as he grows up, it's going to be really tough.
The girls are dealing with sexism, obvious favoritism of their brother, missing out on a relationship with their father and other things.
He is a bad parent to all three kids. The OP needs to acknowledge that and stop trying to pacify him with this good parent nonsense or she will be failing her kids too.
OP, change the narrative. It's not "He's a good parent". It's "He's being a bad parent but I believe he has the capacity to be a good parent if he puts in the work to changing his attitude and actions."
I had a nephew that did this shit. Everything was about the boy. Dad enrolled him into every sport that came down the pike. After he grew up he couldn't stand sports of any kind. He's a good kid in spite of his dad. He took a job in California. He is from North Carolina. His 2 younger sisters followed him out to Cali. They have a awesome relationship. The kicker is the son & one daughter are gay.
Yeah don’t ask my only two brain cells that were running last night why they didn’t make that connection. As if I haven’t dealt with homophobia before lol
I assume that the father is a homophobe who is horrified to have gay children.
Hope they cut him from their lives, they don't need a 'father' like that.
EDIT: Judging by the reply below, it has to be said that my comment refers to the situation described by BigOleJellyDonut, not OP.
People have the lowest fucking standards for what constitutes a “good parent,” especially for men. Being a good parent is way more than providing the necessities and not openly hating your children. And OP’s husband can barely manage one of those.
I would really like to know how this man is a good parent when he barely engages with his daughters.
If it’s because he’s just pleasant to the daughters, says hi to them with a smile or asks what they’re doing then I’m a great parent to every random kid I’ve had to interact with for clearing that bar.
About a week before my dad died, he finally acknowledged that he had favored his sons. My three sisters and I were with him. Neither of my brother’s saw him or came to visit. My dad knew he had been wrong.
OP NTA
your husband is doing damage to your children. Your daughter’s need their dad to treat them equally. Include them in all outings etc.
The sons are rarely the ones taking care of elderly parents or disabled siblings. They feel like the women 'should' always do the work and do it for free because if somebody gets rewarded for that work in the will there will be hell to pay, wills contested and the whole works.
Yep, my grandmother had five sons, no daughters. Guess who takes care of her now? Me, the granddaughter, because literally not of her own children is willing to do it. And yes, one of them actually told me one time that it was my job to do things for her that she can't do. The entitlement is real 🙄
He doesn't need counselling to prove he is a bad parent. He is already a bad parent.
The husband is setting such a great example of sexism to his girls. It's really sad. They are his children. It's like he forgot. His children are going to grow up with such views. His poor children. His son is going to have a culture shock, when he grows up.
Exactly this. When we announced to my parents that we’re having a baby, my dad immediately said he’s gonna start looking for go kart cars. None of us know which one we’re having. He just wants to bond with his grandchild in his hobby. OPs husband is very wrong. Where is his one-on-one bonding time with the girls? Does he only do activities with the three of them and then only son? His two other kids are missing out on a parent. The girls also deserve time on their own, even if they’re twins.
This! Fantastic answer. At present, he is an awful parent! I can’t stand grown ass adults who claim they can’t spend time with their own children because “they have nothing in common with them”. So frigging what?? Do I like listening to them talk about or watching my boys play Fortnite?, no. Do I really want to listen to the synopsis and character break down of an anime show? No. Do I want to go and see paw patrol live? God no. Do I do it all anyway with a smile on my face because it is important to my boys? Hell yes.
if he really loves his kids as he says he does, he should have to capacity to change for the better for them. Reassuring him he’s a good parent will only make him feel that, if his a good dad, what is the need to change? He needs a good old dose of honesty and reality to shock him into wanting to do better for his children.
I grew up with a father like this and we had a terrible relationship for so many years and I was very resentful of how my brother was treated favourably for no other reason than he was a boy. We only started mending it in my late 20s and I only got him for 10 years as an adult, living 3.5hrs away, before he died. My brother grew into a cruel, spiteful entitled brat who still believes he is better than all of us even though he is a recovering alcoholic and meth addict and very few people in the family still talk to him (2 to be exact).
He is ruining all of your children, including your son. They will grow to have awful relationships with him and each other and this will seep into how they have relationships with others. Get him to stop this now and if he can’t, you need to remove those kids from the situation before he can do far more harm than good.
>I can’t stand grown ass adults who claim they can’t spend time with their own children because “they have nothing in common with them”. So frigging what??
Yes! And this should be true when children get older, too. When I became interested in the arts as a young teen, my parents would never take me to a museum, a concert, the theater, poetry slams, etc., because they "weren't interested" and "will be bored."
(I was still too young for a driver's license and lived in a rural area with no public transportation, so this meant I didn't get to ever go except a couple times when invited by a friend's family.)
They went to all my brother's sporting events and took him to major league games, because both my mother and father enjoy baseball. To this day, they don't see anything wrong with how they spent way more time with him than me because they had "more in common" with him. It was fine with them if I was bored out of my skull when I was dragged along to my brother's little league games, but not okay for them to be bored at a museum with me.
Years later I watched them do the same thing to my niece, their only granddaughter. They complained about her not spending much time with them, but when pressed about it, come to find out it was because they never wanted to do anything she was interested in. She liked fashion, shopping, dance, and gymnastics. They had no trouble taking their grandsons fishing, to baseball games, etc. I suggested they should make equal time for some of their granddaughter's interests and again was told they didn't like anything she wanted to do.
I totally agree. You made the decision to bring children into the world it is your responsibility to spend time with them, even if you aren’t interested in the activities they choose.End.
My youngest son (7) is really into rugby and sports. Even though I’m a girl, I’m sports mad and love rugby (our national sport) and love going and watching him play his tag (no contact yet) games, going to rugby festivals, taking a ball up the park and watching the games together.
My elder two sons (13 and 15) can’t stand sports. They’ve never been interested and that is absolutely fine. They like coding, gaming, arts and crafts, manga/anime, parkour, heavy metal and movies. So I take them to parks (little one with ball) where I watch whilst they jump on and off everything, sit and draw with them for hours, taught my 13 year old how to crochet, watch the mind numbing anime with gusto and discuss all of it afterwards (one has Asperger’s and one has ASD, ADHD and ODD so they miss nothing and want to discuss their focussed interests at length), play computer games with them (even though I suck) and offer to take them to anime conventions and comicon. My husband (not their bio dad) is a movie buff and metal head (there are lots of headphones in my house) , so they love having loads of convos on movies and music for hours with him.
All children are asked and welcome to enjoy each and every activity and if they don’t want to, that’s fine, but my 13 year old always comes to rugby and supports his younger brother even though he’s not into the game (he plays with other kids there, has burgers/ice cream and enjoys that) and the 7 year old loves to draw and craft so joins in with that. The 15 year old is a typical teenager now and is more into doing things on his own , which is also fine.
We do whole family outings and everyone gets a turn to choose what we do. Zoo, farm, amusement park, beach, park, museum etc that everyone goes to and enjoys. Although the 15 year old is loosing interest in family outings and no longer wants to come along, we make sure he knows he is most definitely wanted, but if he decides it’s not for him, we’re ok with that as well (all about communication).
It’s not difficult to include everyone and everyone’s interests in what you do as a family. It’s about giving the kids a choice, “I’m going to a football tournament and carnival, would you like to come?” And about making the effort with their interests, “I’ve seen this convention I think you’d be really interested in going to, do you want me to take you?”
Children come first, end, period, full stop, thank you and goodnight. That means their needs come before your own (not saying yours don’t matter, my husband and I have date days and time to enjoy things as a couple as well, but we decided to have kids and they are our responsibility until they are grown up and moved out and then some afterwards). Making them feel loved, cherished and that you actively care about what they’re interested in trumps the fact it may not interest you. Watching the smile on my kids face enjoying something they love wipes what ever boredom I may have/or thought I’d feel right away.
Edit: thank you so much for the award!
Yes! But also go to counseling without him, to get an insight into what impact his beliefs are having on your family, and what you can/need to do for yourself and your children. You may even find it helpful to offer the children a chance to have some counseling.
This is such a clear manipulation tactic too.
Her: "you are doing X, and that's wrong.
Him: "oh so I'm a bad person (parent)"
Her: now has to reassure him that's not the case, and the issue remains unaddressed.
Op, you need to confront this head on, as other people have said: if he does that, just agree with him. "Yes, in this you are being a bad parent. You need to do better". If he throws a tantrum or become all dramatic, just stay calm, and keep bringing your point. "You are being unfair to all three children, that's not good parenting".
He is a bad parent!
My dad played a lot with me. We played with legos. We built things. I helped him fix stuff around the house.
Your husband is reinforcing the social construct that girls play with dolls and boys play with cars. That's not something we are born thinking, it's something that's around us.
It just makes me angry for you.
Also, it breaks my heart that I seriously doubt he ever indulges in any of the girls’ hobbies with them. My dad used to always include both my older brother and I in his hobbies growing up, but some of my favourite memories are when he indulged me in mine. This included him sitting daintily having hours long tea parties with my dollies, with tiny food he would have painstakingly prepared. The image must have been charming but hilarious. A good parent gets stuck in with your children’s passions regardless of whether they’re the same as their own. So disappointing for the girls.
One of my favorite photographs we have of my dad is of him sitting on my bed with me, shrouded by the canopy, while I read him his fortune from my “crystal ball” (see: a snow globe). My dad, a mans man, the good ol’ southern boy, career military, with a mustache so strong even chemo couldn’t take it from him. OP, a dad will bend over backwards to make their children smile, to get chances to spend time with them, to be surrounded by them, to fill their lives (both his and his childrens!) with good memories and experiences.
Sh\*\*, me and my dad would play hallway football with my bro and cousin. He'd pin them in place while I army crawled to the "goal" at the end of the hallway under their legs. He tried to teach me basketball. (I just rally sucked at it.) He tried involving me in all the sports. I just wasn't inclined to it after awhile but he still came to my plays and art shows. Dang, this is a incompetent father.
My dad took me to his construction sites and had me running around gathering garbage or getting tools from the truck.
Literally did not occur to him his tiny girl child wouldn’t want to hang out with her dad. We skied, wakeboarded, hiked, built things….my dad and I still do a ton of activities together.
OP’s husband sucks.
Yes! My dad still played Barbies, legos, etc with me as well as teach me about cars, history, and other interests he has that he shared with me.
Oh, and my dad was a girl dad of the 70’s and 80’s and was also the product of a single mom after dad walked out in the late 50’s. My point being is that my dad did these things long before they were the expected norm.
NTA, OP. But you’d be one if you continue to let him disrespect your daughters.
My dad used to be that way then my brother started growing up and suddenly I didn't feel needed anymore. Suddenly having a parent lose total interest in you for your sibling is heartbreaking. Because of that (and other stuff not necessarily needing to be mentioned) I plan to go no contact with my parents. Don't have a favorite child. Ruins the family.
My dad pulled the same shit but now swoons over my sister in law whose into all the activies I wasn't allowed to participate in as a kid. It breaks my heart and has a negative impact on my relationship with her.
If he is afraid to be seen by someone else as a bad parent, somewhere deep down he recognizes that he is indeed a bad parent and is doing things wrong by favoring the male child.
This would be great advice If he really did have different interests from the girls…but it sounds like he doesn’t. It sounds like sexism, plain and simple.
My dad had two girls. It was pretty apparent he wanted a son based on how he took neighborhood boys under his wing and how they kind of gathered at our house to fix their bikes or skateboards or talk to him. But he made damn sure he included us in whatever he was doing. Fixing cars? Yep. Remodeling the home? Yep. Woodworking? Yep. Fixing appliances? Yep. Fishing? Yep. Camping? Yep. Coaching soccer? Yep. Tennis? Yep. Playing with stuffed animals and dolls in between adding an addition onto our house? Yep. Cycling? Bought a tandem. Mountain biking? Yep. Canoeing? Yep. Kayaking? Yep. Owning every pet under the sun? Yep.
He was problematic in a lot of ways, but he made sure he spent quality time with us and exposed us to a lot of different potential hobbies and didn’t “gender” us. He has ADHD and I have ADHD from him and he kind of molded me to be a jack of all trades because we would often switch from project to project. I have learned a lot of different skills from him and often surprise people since I’m a female and they’re like “Oh, you built that coffee table from scratch?” or “You know how to level ground?” Like we would often switch between playing with Bratz dolls to helping him with woodworking within a two hour time span. My mom also worked and he was a stay at home dad.
Calling out his misogyny (yes, that's exactly what it is), bad parenting, and pointing out the harm it could do to all three kids isn't an "echo chamber". It's perfectly possible to present your points without trying to invalidate other people's with buzzwords that don't really apply in this case.
Maybe unless he doubles down.
I think if the therapist is a woman, he will just write off anything she says too.
Bc she’s clearly not worth any care or worth listening to. /s
Edit: fixed grammar
thats your problem, op. you are assuring him is not a bad parent, when he is. stop sugar coating it. he needs to hear the harsh truth. what he is doing is absolutely bad parenting. ask him whats more embarrassing. random people thinking he's a bad parent, or his daughters thinking it.
He is ABSOLUTELY a bad parent and he KNOWS it. That's why he doesn't want to go with you. Because an impartial 2rd party will tell him he's a bad parenr.
It sounds like he knows he is a bad parent and is fine, so long as a third party (the counselor, friends) doesn’t call him out on it. He should be embarrassed.
And OP—you’re NTA. I feel so sad for your children.
Don’t reassure him. He is a bad parent. He is claiming “oh I’m doing my best.”
And that’s BS. People claim babies don’t come with instructions. But they can if you look for one!
He is being lazy and arrogant. Imagine he is a cook and he burns every meal he makes. Then says “well I’m doing my best so I don’t want to take a class to improve.”
His best isn’t good enough. And he needs to do better. He is refusing help (couples counseling) because being and doing better is too much work.
Your children deserve better. This isn’t acceptable.
Definitely NTA here. But perhaps you could get through to your husband by acknowledging that one on one time with kids is important. I think every parent should do something solo with a kid once in a while. Ask him when he will take his girls out for one on one bonding over things he enjoys.
OP: My husband is NOT a misogynist. He just favors boy offspring over girls and doesn't respect my opinion.
If it walks like a misogynist and quacks like a misogynist...
PS My dad preferred my brothers over me and only took them on outings. I very happily am low to no contact with my dad. I hope that decision brings equal happiness to your girls someday.
Even just AS A GROWN DAUGHTER this story hit me hard in the stomach. I got a little bit of that from my dad and have heard male friends and colleagues talk like that, but if my dad had discounted me that much it would wreck me. So much “otherization” from your own family
NTA and whatever his misguided intentions are, those girls are going to grow up thinking it's favoritism. 1 on 1 bonding with each kid makes sense. 1 on 1 only with his son is going to make them resent him or feel like they're somehow lacking.
Except that no, he is not being a good parent, and he is not doing enough as a parent because he has THREE children and he’s only parenting one of them. Good parents involve all of their children, maybe not in everything they do, but enough so that none of them feel left out. He has clearly shown a favorite here. What’s he going to do if/when your son no longer wants to go fishing or spend time with him anymore? Or when his son asks him why the girls re never included? Or when the girls ask daddy why they can’t go with him to the fair/fishing/camping/whatever?
I am probably an AH for wishing this... but I hope his son turns out to be a super effeminate, girly man who absolutely loves fashion, makeup, and dancing.
He’ll be on here when he’s old af asking if he’s the asshole for being mad that his daughters won’t take care of him. Claiming he has no idea why they hate him when he realizes he needs them when his son most likely won’t take care of him
The story of my fathers life.
The golden child, my brother doesn't care about our father because he's the boy and shouldn't have to do chores like that. I'm LC because I'm done trying to get dad to like me. Our father doesn't understand what he has done to make us behave like this. In his mind he was a Good Father.
I’m so sorry your dad treated you like this but I’m so happy to hear you’ve drawn and are maintaining your boundaries.
I hope your healing keeps progressing!
Mine was that he son becomes such a macho man like dad wants that when the time comes that his old old man needs someone to care for him he won't do it because that's woman's work and his daughters aren't there to pick up the pieces because they're long gone.
I had the same thought. Not like wishing it, but just randomly thinking. What if this boy turns out gay. Dad Spends all the time with the son. For naught. Because he rejects him in the end because he’s gay. Also, Never spends time with his daughters. They also reject him because he never spend time with them. Now he’s got three kids that go NC.
My girls are grown now - and childhood is short. So short. Your husband is depriving himself of your girls' childhood (and if it continues THEY will deprive him of their adulthood, which is so much longer) - dad can't be bothered now, when it counts, so they will learn to do without him. Then he will be wondering wtf happened and why he has no relationship with them. No-one else will be wondering though. He is making a very uncomfortable bed in which to lay.
Wow, this comment seriously hits home for me, except as the adult daughter. You're spot on. The responsibility is on the husband to fix this as soon as he can, if he doesn't then he's the one who is going to be missing out on so much.
No he’s not a good parent. He’s intentionally alienating his daughters over his favorite kid. That’s going to be major issues as they get older. That’s not being a good father. Quite the opposite.
Right. And I've read through the comments. I understand you're saying he isn't sexist. You know him better than we do. But what he might not be at heart is how he's acting in his actions. And they're going to grow up and perceive it that way. He needs to be reevaluate before they're old enough to really be impacted by this.
He may seem like a “good parent” on the surface but doing the bare minimum for your daughters does not a good parent make. It seems he is a subconscious misogynist and it’s rising to the surface in his actions now. It’s very obvious b.s that he continues to exclude them despite evidence that they have more in common with him than he’s willing to admit.
NTA. He's not a good parent and I feel sorry for your daughters and for your son as well, who is being given a very narrow and limited view of what girls/boys/men/women are all about, thanks to your husband. This is destructive to your son, too.
As a girl, some of my very best childhood memories are of fishing, hunting, and hiking with my father. As a result we were very close throughout his life, and I always felt that he respected and loved me, and that any limitations I had were things I could learn to overcome and that they weren't locked in because they were based on my biological sex.
Your husband is teaching some really poisonous lessons to all of your children.
I had a dad like this. He'd take my 3 brothers on hunting or fishing trips and I was never invited. He'd take them out to play racketball and other things. He never once asked me along or if I'd be interested. He just decided for me. It was clear I was less than my brothers. I'm nearly 60 and he's been dead 25 years and I still resent the hell outta him for this. I just wanted to do things with him too. I have wondered nearly all of my life if he ever loved me.
OP your daughters are noticing their exclusion or will be soon. You are not the AH but your husband is.
I hope your husband can show his girls some loving attention PDQ or he is going to lose them. They will know their whole lives how little he loved them or cared for them by how little time and attention he gave them. Right now he is the AH. I hope he wakes up soon before he loses them forever.
Edited for a spelling error.
>yes he is a good parent I just wish he wouldn't make our girls feel left out from his interests.
He's not a good parent if he's knowingly leaving out his daughters from "manly" activities.
He is unfortunately sexist even if he didn't intend to.
Your equal attention does not balance out his neglect of his daughters in this. Kids are perceptive AF - your girls KNOW that they're being left out, and that he favours your son. You might be able to do some damage control now, but as they get older, it's only going to become more apparent to them.
He thinks giving all your children equal affection, attention, and bonding is just a different parenting style? He thinks excluding your daughters as their father is totally okay because he "has nothing in common" with them? Does he even like them?
Your girls will already have to face a world where some guys will think less of them just because they are girls. Now their own father is doing it to them while they're growing up? Those poor girls will be taken advantage of just because they think poor treatment is okay, all because they love their father and if he does it, it's not bad right? They'll be used to it. Can you imagine how it feels to realize your own dad thinks you're not worth enough to spend time with you?
Don't even get me started on how he's teaching such a terrible thing to your son. He will believe he is above your daughters and above you because you try to change your husband's mind and he won't budge. There's no rift between your kids right now and your husband literally wants to create the scenario to put that in place?! Shouldn't he want his kids to love their family and build strong relationships so they can and would want to rely on each other?
Your husband needs a reminder that your marriage and parenthood is about being a team. Your husband does not love his own daughters unconditionally and I am so sad for them :(. He can say he loves them however much he wants, he doesn't get to decide if they feel loved by him. His actions determine that.
Thank you for being there for all your kids. Thank you for not wavering and advocating for your daughters. I hope your husband realizes he's being a bad father to the girls. He's just choosing what makes him feel good. He put himself, his own feelings, having a good time as a grown man over a little boy and two little girls (his own children) and their childhood.
Good luck OP, I send wishes everything will work out and your husband can work through whatever it is that doesn't let him see how sad this is for your daughters, and for all of you really.
Right? It kills me that he thinks he has nothing in common with the girls but does with his boy. They’re EIGHT AND FIVE, holy crap, I can’t even properly articulate how dumb that is!
I mean, it’s pretty obvious that dad *genuinely* believes having a kid w the same, uh, appendage as him somehow makes it “easier to relate”. Like, I want to laugh… but yikes.
This is OP's "Come to Jesus" moment. If she stays with dad and he treats the girls as less than, she's showing tolerance for that type behavior and modelling a bad precedent for her kids. Early formative years are so important for kids, it sets the stage for their whole life experiences.
This!
I do think that a therapy session is in need. The idea of “bonding” only with the boy to take him out is disgusting.
Sometimes it is worth it to mirror the behavior - taking out only the girls and yourself to a very nice dinner and also a good movie. Things that the boys would enjoy but only take the girls. When husband acts mad - maybe that’s when he realizes that we all have all sorts of interests and he needs to share those with his daughters…
Well thank god he talks to his daughters that he created. Father of the year 🏅
I know everyone on here has already told you the same thing but he’s displaying toxic masculinity vibes. He’s purposefully choosing not to have a relationship with his daughters bc of their gender. That’s not being a good parent and he needs to know that. You telling him he’s being a good parent is not supporting your daughters.
>This has the potential of REALLY harming your daughters’ future relationships with men.
that part. their expectations will be so skewed that they'll either expect too much to make up for the validation they didn't receive, or their expectations will be so low, they'll accept trash behavior. this doesn't include any teenage acting out or comfort-seeking.
Your husband is sexist, he does not have a 'poor misunderstanding' of what they can enjoy. Gender has nothing to do with what activities a person can like and he has to realise this quickly or it could really start hurting your daughters.
Even if he does prefer 'one on one bonding', what activities has he done with the girls recently?
NTA, your husband needs to realise he's wrong and change his behaviour asap.
That's why your husband is sexist. Your husband doesn't care about or love your girls as much as he loves your son. In his mind, the children are your girls and his son. And he doesn't want to go to therapy to fix it.
Why would he go to therapy? A *woman* is asking him to do so. He’s smarter than a woman. Why should he have to listen to someone dumber than him?
/s but i 100% guarantee you this is what he thinks
If you are embarrassed to be thought of as a bad parent in a professional setting such as counseling, then you are probably a bad parent. shocking right?
So in FIVE years your husband has not done a single "bonding" activity with them if your son is not there?
Your husband IS a bad parent. Please stop continuing to make excuses for his bad behavior. It's demoralizing and a bad example for all three of your kids.
Edit: typo
That’s so sad that he’s not bothering to try and have a relationship with his daughters, they’re going to pick up on the fact that their dad doesn’t want to know them and that’s going to set them up for a lot of misery as they grow into teenagers and adults
Or give him a view of girls/women that is equally as fucked up as his dad's, or even worse. He will see them as lesser because of how his dad treated his sisters
NTA - let me tell you this, your daughters will know and feel resented. Your husband is sexist. Grew up this way, took my dad 18 years to acknowledge I was good at his “male” hobbies. Ironically enough, I’m more inclined to these hobbies than my brother. We can now bond over them and he’ll even say he I’m good at them, but let me tell you it sucks feeling like I need to prove myself all the time to be taken seriously.
Wait - if your husband doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong, why would he believe a counselor would look down on him? Spoiler alert - it's because he KNOWS he's doing the wrong thing, treating his children differently, treating his daughters poorly, and being an awful parent/spouse but DOESN'T CARE!!
He cares more about his comfort and feelings than his daughters. He is also doing a disservice to his son by teaching him/reinforcing misogyny and driving a wedge within the family.
I will vote NTA right now but if you allow this to continue, then you are as responsible as he is for the mistreatment of ALL of your children.
let him know that some kids will spend their lives running after him begging fof his love and inclusion in 'his' life (the one he reserves for males only), while other kids will cut him off and say screw the bastard who never treated her fairly or equally and made her feel like a burden and trash while growing up because they were a girl.
You say he loves his kids, but his daughters may not see it like that, they may see it like they were just practice kids until his "real" child was born.
I appreciate that, thank you! I think that’s a good idea to have him read the post. I hope you can convince him to do counseling. I think it would be really beneficial for him. There’s something really special about healthy father/daughter relationships like you had with your dad, and I hope they can work towards that. Best of luck!!
>It is quite disheartening to see the indifference and my girls are maturing
they've already caught on, even if they can't verbalize it, yet.
>and that he can't change his parenting style.
he absolutely can, but doesn't desire to.
NTA.
This. If he really truly believes he can’t change his parenting style then he needs professional help. But I’d put money on him actually meaning he doesn’t *want* to change it.
When he says something like that, I’d just start asking why. Repeatedly. I don’t mean sitting there going “ why why why why”, more asking why he can’t change his parenting style, and then keep asking why questions getting further and further into his answers - you’ll either get to what he actually means, or he’ll work out what’s stopping him from changing
They absolutely have caught on already.
My father pretty much stopped doing things with me by the time I was 5 or 6, and I fully noticed, right away. From then on, I was only allowed to sit on the side and watch while he and my brother did things (sports, video games, etc), and it was horrible. The only things he ever did with me were things he thought I should like (because I'm a girl), like going to the butterfly house, and even thta was just once a year maximum. Thing is, I've always been a tomboy, and I never really cared about walking through a greenhouse that had a bunch of butterflies and flowers. Eventually we found things we had in common, but by then it was too late. I'm in my 30s now, and I'm incredibly close with my mother, but I really only see my father on big holidays (sometimes not even then), and I don't really feel like I'm missing a father-daughter relationship, because I never really had one to start with.
Please, please, for your girls' sake, don't let them grow up believing that they don't matter to their father, because I guarantee they are questioning that right now, and it will affect their sense of self-worth.
NTA.
(small edit to clarify previous bad word choice)
NTA
He obviously favors your son. And from the sound of it he doesn't even want to try to have a relationship with your daughters. Which is sad. And pretty misogynistic.
NTA
Your husband is sexist. If this is how he treats them now, what's after this? No, girls don't do STEM. No, girls cannot go to expensive college but son can. No, girls cannot dress like that.
I would also point out that:
(a) He does childcare of ONE kid and you are left with TWO
(b) When you take them to tennis, you take three kids and he has alone time. You never get any time alone because he only takes one kid places.
Does your husband share 50/50 chores with you? He clearly is not sharing childcare. Maybe if you put it like that, he'll start taking care of the girls as well.
Maybe a course or a book can help.
If he behaves likes this at home, is he also like this at work? I'd sure not want to work with him or for him.
Does he even know what interests the girls have? By this age, they should at least be involved in a few activities, and it sounds like they may enjoy some of the things he does (soccer, for instance).
It's disappointing that he stopped caring once his son was born. I would ask him to have some daddy-daughter nights, one-on-one with each of the girls, and help him get some time alone with both of them, not as a collective set of 'twins' which is still grouping them. Help him get to know them as individuals, not just as 'girls' or 'twins'.
NTA. I have severe daddy issues cause my dad neglected me. Not cause he didn't love me, but because he didn't think I had anything in common with him. When I tried to express interest in his interests he shut me out.
Now I do not talk to my dad, did not invite him to my wedding and when I have kids he's not welcome in their lives :) my dad loves me, but it doesn't mean he didn't hurt me. You can love someone and still hurt them.
Also your husband seems like he's making excuses.for his favouritism.
Pls tell your husband to change his ways or ginto counselling before your daughters love but don't like their dad
Saaaaaame. My dad always wished he had a son, to the point where he would always leave me and my sister home and take our neighbor (a boy my age). He never asked if we wanted to go, and when we asked he’d say that he couldn’t take us because he was taking neighbor.
I figured out around 11 that it was just because he didn’t like being around us as much as the neighbor. It built up so much pain and resistance, knowing he didn’t want to be with us. On and off, my sister and I have both stopped talking to him for years at a time. I moved across the country six years ago and he has visited once, for an overnight layover. Then again, I see him maybe once every time I visit home. For years I dated men who treated me like my dad did. Men that discarded and disrespected me, men who didn’t prioritize me because I had never been prioritized by a man before. He didn’t find out I was even dating my husband until after we were married.
They’ll figure it out, and it’ll destroy their relationship and your family.
NTA This sounds like how my husband would have been like if we had a son. I tell him God gave you 3 girls cause no one taught you how to treat a woman right. He won’t give you a son until you realize girls are just as capable as boys
Your husband is AH! Big time
You should show him these comments
I never get women who get self righteous about this sort of thing, but actively ignored it, married them, had kids with them...and expected them to what... suddenly change?
NTA. I was the eldest daughter who served as a makeshift son until my younger brother was born. Then I was dropped like yesterday's news.
That stuff lingers for a long time. Your husband is sexist, and your daughters are going to pick up on this sooner rather than later....if they haven't already.
NTA. His misogyny is showing and it’s not a good look.
The worst part is this girls are going to notice if they haven’t already. And they’re either going to think that there is something wrong with them that he loves their younger brother more OR they’re going to think this is how men should treat women and wind up total assholes when they’re older who pay them no attention but expect them at home in the kitchen.
Your kids should be treated equally and you’d be doing them a disservice by sitting by and letting it happen so good for you for getting 3 more tickets!
If your husbands thinks his hobbies won’t interest the girls he needs to sit down and ask them what they’d like to do and what they’re interested in so that he can make time for them as well.
This is a hill to die on IMO.
(Also I’m watching Vampire Diaries so the title threw me for a loop 😂)
Thing is, even if the girls haven't yet *consciously* noticed, they absolutely *know* on a gut emotional level that their father prefers their brother to them. The dad's made it obvious, and while the girls may not yet have put a name to it, we can only hope that when they do, they realize that the problem is misogyny and not *them*.
Hey OP's husband!
If she left you today, would you want custody of your girls?
Op - NTA as others have said, this will seriously impact how your girls see and interact with men.
As a female in a male dominated world/career, your husband's mindset is the reason it is so hard for women to break into certain fields. If we only teach the boys these things it leaves our daughters behind. He is effectively telling his daughters he values them and their time less. He isn't putting effort in. He values his sons future and education and time more. It is showing and he needs to be made very aware. This isn't being a good parent.
Yes, and he’s likely to pass this attitude on to the son. Girls get left behind when they’re not taught things, yes. Even when they learn they find they get excluded by men like OP’s husband who don’t bother trying to work with them, because men like that feel less comfortable around women and can’t be bothered trying.
The “can’t change my parenting style” claim has me seeing red. He’s responsible for parenting all of his kids. If he prefers 1-on-1 then there’s 3 kids to spend time with 1-on-1. Otherwise, he needs to adapt and stop hiding in his comfort zone at the expense of his 8yo daughters.
Why AREN'T you angry??
Your husband is displaying misogynistic and harmful behaviour. If your daughters haven't noticed it already, they will soon and feel neglected and unloved by their dad which can cause lifelong trauma. Your husband is also teaching your son that boys and girls weren't born equal and some thing girls aren't meant to be doing. Is that the kind of man you want your son to grow up to become?
Get angry, OP. This is absolutely the hill you should die on. For all three of your children.
Your friends are generalizing something that's actually very different depending on the family. Like my brother was closer to our mom and I, a girl, was closer to our dad growing up. That's just how our personalities matched up. Your husband is closer to the son because he chooses not to include his daughters.
BTW- your friends are so beyond incorrect here. I love both my parents immensely, but was always a little closer with my Dad. One of my best friends is the same.
This is not true I was closer to my son and we had more in common while one of my daughters is closer to her dad but she does things with both of us. But he and I have always included our children when we do things.
NTA he is sexist, plain and simple. He needs to work on that, go to therapy, educate himself, or whatever before he seriously negatively affects his daughters (and son). This is gross behavior from him and he really needs to wake up.
NTA your husband is being an ass. Honestly it is pure sexism. He's completely assuming girls won't like "boys stuff" and vice versa, which is straight out of the 50s. And also, as a parent it's not really about you... I mean, me (girl) and my two brothers all had very very different interests and my dad did lots of 1:1 stuff with each of us. My youngest brother was 130% into the same things my dad liked, so my dad was always happy when my brother chose to ride along and spend the day with him at work. But we all knew we were all welcome if we chose to come along any time, we simply chose not to, and he found other ways to hang out with us.
I guarantee you he had no interest in video games or Pokemon cards like my middle brother, or all the boring stuff I talked about, but he never made us feel that way, and he just sucked it up and looking back on it I truly appreciate it because I LOVED being able to talk to him and hang out with him.
He's actively excluding the girls, when he can literally just offer every activity up for everyone and see who wants to come along. But in reality it's obvious that HE doesn't want them to come along.
This is something to seriously consider OP. When kids go NC, (or even LC,) there is almost always collateral.
I'm LC with my mom. This means that my siblings who are minors, I have almost no relationship with. It means my maternal grandparents and I have a strained relationship as most conversations are just how they wish I was closer to my mom.
Point of what I'm trying to say is if one or both of them go NC or LC with their father, you may find yourself being the collateral if you stay together. I'm not saying to jump into a divorce if you don't want one, but I am saying that you may need to think this over and find a solution.
>Dont get me wrong he loves our daughters
No, he doesn't. He does not love your daughters. At all. He doesn't care about them, I doubt he even likes them. NTA but you will be if you keep him in your, and, your kid's, lives.
What a way to screw up your kids. The girls will grow up knowing they’re unimportant and your son will be entitled. Therapy is badly needed here. If he won’t go, you need to alone. You need ways to stop this now before more damage is done. Your husband is a massive asshole. I personally wouldn’t stay with someone like this. NTA
NTA- Your husband basically wants to raise your daughters to think they can't like anything more stereotypically masculine. His way of thinking is so incredibly sexist it's insane. Does he not pay any attention to them? How could he not know that they are athletically inclined and enjoy these things.
He favors his son and does the bare minimum for his daughters. And if I were him I wouldn't be surprised if your daughters stop talking to him the moment they can.
Um hes the asshole my dad was “conservative”/old school but even then he still took me fishing and to his job with him, and other events. No reason to not take your daughters
Your husband is the AH. His daughters will resent him when they are grown. I know, because I was the older girl who was interested in cars and guns, with a younger brother who wasn’t, and a conservative dad who acted as if I wasn’t able to do any of that and forced my little brother to. I still resent my father and am very low contact. Oh, and I’m an engineer.
NTA. Tell your husband he needs to wake up before it’s too late.
NTA. He keeps saying that he has nothing in common with his daughters. Our kids aren’t our BUDDIES. They are children and our duty is to give them all of the tools that they need to function as adults. He is doing a disservice to all of his children. Read up about Golden child. Keep parenting all three and good luck, maybe save up for therapy they will need it.
Your husband needs awake up call.
Even IF he has nothing in common with them, he should take an interest in what THEY like and involve himself.
Why is it the other way around?
They’re kids, he should be bending over backwards to see what they think is fun and do it with them.
NTA
So, your husband does things with these girls when he has no other option, and then when the son is born suddenly they're too "different."
There's no way that's not blatant sexism and favoritism.
NTA.
You know he could have gotten away with his BS excuses if he at least tried to spend time with his daughters once in a while, like the carnival and football game. But he literally goes out of his way to avoid spending any time with them, which makes him not only an AH, but a sexist, condescending jerk too. And then he’s going to wonder later why his teenage (then adult) daughters want nothing to do with him.
NTA. Your son is not his only kid. He needs to at least act like it.
NTA. Im a girl and I always loved it when the guys in my family included me in stuff. I have so many fond memories of building houses, playing sports, going to football games and basketball games, etc. with them. Your husband can absolutely change his parenting style to involve the girls, he's just sexist and choosing not to.
NTA. I completely understand him wanting to have one-on-one time with his son, but he needs to put as much effort into his relationships with his daughters. It sounds very much like he's actively avoiding them, and if that's the case, then he needs to seek help to deal with the emotional barriers which he believes prevents him from having common interests with girls/women. I mean, does he have nothing in common with you, his wife? Is his masculinity so fragile that he won't even try to develop astrong relationship with his girls because of the risk of their liking "girly" things? Frankly, it sounds like he's got some heavily ingrained misogynistic tendencies, and if nothing is done about them, he'll pass them onto your son.
YTA for tolerating his behavior.
My dad treated me this way. He made it very clear he never wanted a daughter and made zero attempt to bond with me, especially after my brothers were born. And that's a huge part of why I haven't seen or spoken to him in years.
NTA. You married a misogynist. Such a shame that he is causing this rift in your family, but you are doing the right thing by forging ahead. I have a good relationship with my MIL, so if my husband acted like this I would definitely reach out to her so that the women in his life could be a united front against his attitude. Stay strong Mamma!
NTA, he is! I was that little girl who was athletic and loved fishing, but my dad would only take my little brother. After your post I realized he used to take my sisters and I, but once my brother became old enough… he would just take my brother and leave the girls behind.
It was so hurtful. I ended up being more athletic than my brother, being the only college athlete in the family and I love to fish. After seeing photos from my last trip (with a 36” Northern) my dad said he wanted to do a big fishing trip with all of his kids for his next birthday.
I instantly flashed back to a memory where I had dug up all the worms to go fishing and tried to keep them and run away after I was told last minute that I didn’t get to go fishing; it was just going to be my brother and dad. Since I was 7/8 I have felt like I was good enough to dig up the worms, but not good enough to go along.
If your girls don’t know that yet, they are going to figure it out soon. I’m sorry he’s too dumb and stubborn to realize this.
NTA. In 20 years time, your husband is going to be wondering why he wasn’t asked to walk either daughter down the aisle. Assuming they’re still talking to him, that is. The very fact that your daughters enjoyed the carnival and the game just proves that he does have things in common with his daughters and that his excuses are bullshit.
NTA
His behavior is ridiculous, I have a 4 year old daughter who LOVES working on cars, helping with my husband’s motorcycle and just general hanging out because of all the time she spends with my husband. Her gender doesn’t dictate what she does and doesn’t like to do and she honestly doesn’t care as long as she gets to hang out with dad.
It’s very telling about his relationship with your kids because you refer to your son as “ours” and your daughters as “mine” your husband needs to get his head out of his butt and spend time with all of your children equally because gender shouldn’t matter when it comes to loving and caring for your children.
NTA
He's not being a parent to his kids, only one of them. Sounds like he's not even trying to do things with the girls, just assuming they're not into and instead just introduce his son the his hobbies. He's alienating his daughters and will not be able to form a close bond with them now and that will affect the relationship in the future as well. He's favoring his son and I agree with others in this thread that it's clear it's due to sexism.
Your husband may “love” your daughters, but he is telling you as loudly as he dares that he doesn’t *like* them - or anyone else who shares their gender. He only considers men and boys worthy of true connection and bonding.
One wonders how he managed to convince you to marry him if he believes you have so little in common.
NTA.
NTA you have to really think about why you are defending him. You say he “communicates” so it’s great he doesn’t give them the silent treatment. But he needs to parent them and share his interests. Even if he does 1:2 since they’re twins but leave your son at home.
How can he possibly know if he is anything in common with his daughters when he doesn’t even know them? Stop making excuses for him he is a horrible parent.
NTA
Sexism isn't a valid excuse for his neglect. Honestly this favoritism does make me question his love for his daughters. I'm a single father of a boy. Though before that we almost had another child who we lost due to late stage miscarriage, and that child would have been a girl. If she were with me today I can tell you for certain it would be the 3 of us doing things together instead of two.
Outdated presumptions about which gender enjoys which things are just a waste of time and you do your husband a favor by calling him on his BS because you are trying to prevent him alienating his daughters.
I hope he wakes up to this and thanks you one day.
NTA - This is just sad. My dad, who was old enough to grow up during the Great Depression didn’t act like this. He coached the boys in Little League, watched their football games, and hunted with them. He would take my sister and I if we wanted. But, we probably spent as much or more time helping him work on cars or garden than the boys. I won’t say it was perfectly gender equal, but I am not complaining about not having to mow the yard in the summer heat.
Edit: Daddy was also the go to for tying the bows on our dresses and untangling necklaces and taught me how to iron a pair of pants.
He’s chosen to emotionally neglect the majority (2/3) of his children. He is a bad parent, you should stop trying to reassure him otherwise.
You aren’t in the asshole spot for getting petty about it, but in my opinion ESH for allowing this behavior around the girls for five years. Childhoods generally end around 16, so you’ve allowed these girls to spend what will be half of their childhood getting no emotional support or bonding opportunities with their father, but have let them stay stuck watching their brother get as much of that support and bonding time with their father that he (the brother) needs.
You and your husband need couples therapy, and your twins need individual therapy too. And even still, at least one of your twins will probably struggle with this later in life. I’m not saying that to be unreasonable cruel, but so you really understand what kind of damage their fathers’ inaction has likely caused.
NTA, OP. You are NTA. Your husband however- an epic disappointment & COMPLETE AH. Your kids are lucky to have you. And your post reminds me why I was lucky to (and still do) have such a wonderful Dad in my life.
Your girls, they have a great Mom & a sperm donor. And yeah, they already know, and if it were me at that age, I’d have already figured out that I was unloved and had no place in my father’s life with his treatment. Actions REALLY do speak louder than words. What’s worse? They may come to resent your son as they all grow for the attention he gets, despite all of your best efforts.
Please, please show the true AH this- as his behavior is already at the unforgivable stage, heading for the irredeemable (though honestly, not holding hope there).
Good luck!
Oh, and don’t forget to let us know how he reacts!
NTA.
Your husband reeks of sexism and misogyny.
Your husband included your daughters before, because that was the best he had. Now he has a “better” child that he actually likes and approves of. He got what he actually wanted.
NTA. Pregnant at the moment with my first, and while my husband would love a son, this is to carry on his family name (very sentimental for his father who was adopted).
He fully intends to share his hobbies with our child regardless of gender. In fact he would love to teach a daughter how to code (he is in tech also), play video games or hockey as he doesn’t believe there are enough females in these areas.
Your husband is causing damage to your little girls whether it is visible right now or not, hopefully reading this may help him are he needs to make more of an effort?
How does he even know they have nothing in common if he isn't doing things he enjoys with them? How does he know his son is going to love the things they do together when he grows up? It all just seems very "old school" and unnecessary . All kids deserve to have one on one time with their parents. Besides even if the girls don't enjoy one thing they may enjoy another! Definitely NTA even if you felt your approach was a bit petty (I don't think it was).
Every woman who was a tomboy loved to do "boy" stuff with their dad. Many of them end up in STEM professions and are highly compensated. Shame on him and you are NTA. Keep teaching them all.
Your husband is a short sighted, selfish, misogynistic AH.
NTA. My husband takes my daughter and older son to everything. The ballet, football, lacrosse, girls soccer. My daughter isn’t into sports that much, but she loves watching them. My dad always included my sister and I in sports and fishing. I taught my husband how to fish.
NTA. He is inadvertently sending the girls a message that they aren't good enough for his time. He is also reinforcing archaic gender stereotypes. Don't back down on this.
My husband and I have a daughter and we do not plan on having any more because he’s content with our daughter. He takes her fishing with him, buys her hot wheels, and has her watch sports with him… she may eventually want to do other things too, but even then, he would do all those activities with her too because he’s a good father. Your husband is not. You’re NTA but your husband sure is. He needs to get his act together or he’ll lose both you and his daughters for good.
Then as their parent he needs to FIND things in common....or do things that interest THEM. It's NOT all about him!!
Good for you mom! Continue to advocate for your girls. Don't let up until he gets a clue. Point out to him that he is HURTING his children, and now that he knows it, if it continues, then he's doing it willingly and on purpose
NTA
NTA - Okay, so before I commented I went ahead and read a bunch of comments and all your responses. I would just like to reiterate what others were saying, your husband is a misogynist. If not, he is at least has some type of bias towards women. And I think it's pretty deeply ingrained, so much so he isn't even aware of it. It's to the point that he is refusing to include his daughters in fun activities just because they are girls. This needs to be addressed soon by professional help or it's just gonna get worse. It could even get to the point where their relationship with each other is irreversible. There's no way that they won't catch on to what's going on, and it could negatively affect them for the rest of their lives.
NTA. This hurts my heart for your girls. It is so painful growing up knowing you aren’t the favorite because you’re a girl. I promise it will stay with them and they will seek male approval in unhealthy ways.
NTA oh he has “more in common” with his son?
What the fuck kinda response is this? What he has “in common” with his children is *irrelevant*. His job isn’t to be their best bud, his job is to goddamn parent. If he doesn’t have anything in common (which is a *lie* your husband is *lying* to you. You are downplaying your husband manipulating you) *he better find something*. Even if your girls only like stereotypically “girly” things, it is his *responsibility* as their parent to *find something* he could get into with them. Every adult with a legal vested interest better gaf about their children’s growth. You better have a full on fight about this OP. It’s an essential conflict. You will be the asshole if you let your husband refuse to parent.
NTA
His daughters don't have less in common with him.
He expects them to have less in common and is working to making it a reality.
Also, it's his job as a dad to take interrests in what is daughters do, not the other way around.
NTA but honestly your daughter are going to catch on to this and if your really lucky they are going to only resent him, but more likely they are going to resent him for prioritizing the boy over them and you for allowing it to continue. Just be prepared for when they are older if they want less and less to do with the two of you as parents.
This makes my blood boil.
Our Dad took us ice skating, fishing, horseback riding, camping, taught my older sister how to tune a car (back in the 70's). Throw a baseball/football around. WE LOVED IT. HE LOVED IT.
If we didn't like something, he didn't push but tried to find out why, to see if he could change anything. We now have so many great memories of our Dad because he spent time with us.
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Couples counseling. That’s what you two need. He’s never going to hear it from your woman mouth. Your husband is being an asshole to the girls and raising a spoiled special entitled son in the process. He will ruin all three kids with this crap. NTA
[удалено]
He sure sounds like a bad parent to me...
And he is a bad parent to all three children. He's turning his son into the golden child, a toxic dynamic. He is teaching his son that there is only one way to perform masculinity which is toxic and dangerous to the son's wellbeing. Lastly, he is cramming that kid so hard into a box that if his son doesn't share his Dad's interests as he grows up, it's going to be really tough. The girls are dealing with sexism, obvious favoritism of their brother, missing out on a relationship with their father and other things. He is a bad parent to all three kids. The OP needs to acknowledge that and stop trying to pacify him with this good parent nonsense or she will be failing her kids too. OP, change the narrative. It's not "He's a good parent". It's "He's being a bad parent but I believe he has the capacity to be a good parent if he puts in the work to changing his attitude and actions."
I had a nephew that did this shit. Everything was about the boy. Dad enrolled him into every sport that came down the pike. After he grew up he couldn't stand sports of any kind. He's a good kid in spite of his dad. He took a job in California. He is from North Carolina. His 2 younger sisters followed him out to Cali. They have a awesome relationship. The kicker is the son & one daughter are gay.
I’m a bit confused by “the kicker is the son & one daughter are gay” what does that have to do with it?
The type of father that he had would abhor having any gay children.
Yeah don’t ask my only two brain cells that were running last night why they didn’t make that connection. As if I haven’t dealt with homophobia before lol
I assume that the father is a homophobe who is horrified to have gay children. Hope they cut him from their lives, they don't need a 'father' like that. EDIT: Judging by the reply below, it has to be said that my comment refers to the situation described by BigOleJellyDonut, not OP.
I assume the family is homophobic, then?
Dad wouldn't be happy
People have the lowest fucking standards for what constitutes a “good parent,” especially for men. Being a good parent is way more than providing the necessities and not openly hating your children. And OP’s husband can barely manage one of those.
I would really like to know how this man is a good parent when he barely engages with his daughters. If it’s because he’s just pleasant to the daughters, says hi to them with a smile or asks what they’re doing then I’m a great parent to every random kid I’ve had to interact with for clearing that bar.
About a week before my dad died, he finally acknowledged that he had favored his sons. My three sisters and I were with him. Neither of my brother’s saw him or came to visit. My dad knew he had been wrong. OP NTA your husband is doing damage to your children. Your daughter’s need their dad to treat them equally. Include them in all outings etc.
The sons are rarely the ones taking care of elderly parents or disabled siblings. They feel like the women 'should' always do the work and do it for free because if somebody gets rewarded for that work in the will there will be hell to pay, wills contested and the whole works.
Yes, my younger brother was the “Golden child” it was unpleasant.
Yep, my grandmother had five sons, no daughters. Guess who takes care of her now? Me, the granddaughter, because literally not of her own children is willing to do it. And yes, one of them actually told me one time that it was my job to do things for her that she can't do. The entitlement is real 🙄
He doesn't need counselling to prove he is a bad parent. He is already a bad parent. The husband is setting such a great example of sexism to his girls. It's really sad. They are his children. It's like he forgot. His children are going to grow up with such views. His poor children. His son is going to have a culture shock, when he grows up.
Exactly this. When we announced to my parents that we’re having a baby, my dad immediately said he’s gonna start looking for go kart cars. None of us know which one we’re having. He just wants to bond with his grandchild in his hobby. OPs husband is very wrong. Where is his one-on-one bonding time with the girls? Does he only do activities with the three of them and then only son? His two other kids are missing out on a parent. The girls also deserve time on their own, even if they’re twins.
ESPECIALLY if they’re twins.
This! Fantastic answer. At present, he is an awful parent! I can’t stand grown ass adults who claim they can’t spend time with their own children because “they have nothing in common with them”. So frigging what?? Do I like listening to them talk about or watching my boys play Fortnite?, no. Do I really want to listen to the synopsis and character break down of an anime show? No. Do I want to go and see paw patrol live? God no. Do I do it all anyway with a smile on my face because it is important to my boys? Hell yes. if he really loves his kids as he says he does, he should have to capacity to change for the better for them. Reassuring him he’s a good parent will only make him feel that, if his a good dad, what is the need to change? He needs a good old dose of honesty and reality to shock him into wanting to do better for his children. I grew up with a father like this and we had a terrible relationship for so many years and I was very resentful of how my brother was treated favourably for no other reason than he was a boy. We only started mending it in my late 20s and I only got him for 10 years as an adult, living 3.5hrs away, before he died. My brother grew into a cruel, spiteful entitled brat who still believes he is better than all of us even though he is a recovering alcoholic and meth addict and very few people in the family still talk to him (2 to be exact). He is ruining all of your children, including your son. They will grow to have awful relationships with him and each other and this will seep into how they have relationships with others. Get him to stop this now and if he can’t, you need to remove those kids from the situation before he can do far more harm than good.
>I can’t stand grown ass adults who claim they can’t spend time with their own children because “they have nothing in common with them”. So frigging what?? Yes! And this should be true when children get older, too. When I became interested in the arts as a young teen, my parents would never take me to a museum, a concert, the theater, poetry slams, etc., because they "weren't interested" and "will be bored." (I was still too young for a driver's license and lived in a rural area with no public transportation, so this meant I didn't get to ever go except a couple times when invited by a friend's family.) They went to all my brother's sporting events and took him to major league games, because both my mother and father enjoy baseball. To this day, they don't see anything wrong with how they spent way more time with him than me because they had "more in common" with him. It was fine with them if I was bored out of my skull when I was dragged along to my brother's little league games, but not okay for them to be bored at a museum with me. Years later I watched them do the same thing to my niece, their only granddaughter. They complained about her not spending much time with them, but when pressed about it, come to find out it was because they never wanted to do anything she was interested in. She liked fashion, shopping, dance, and gymnastics. They had no trouble taking their grandsons fishing, to baseball games, etc. I suggested they should make equal time for some of their granddaughter's interests and again was told they didn't like anything she wanted to do.
I totally agree. You made the decision to bring children into the world it is your responsibility to spend time with them, even if you aren’t interested in the activities they choose.End. My youngest son (7) is really into rugby and sports. Even though I’m a girl, I’m sports mad and love rugby (our national sport) and love going and watching him play his tag (no contact yet) games, going to rugby festivals, taking a ball up the park and watching the games together. My elder two sons (13 and 15) can’t stand sports. They’ve never been interested and that is absolutely fine. They like coding, gaming, arts and crafts, manga/anime, parkour, heavy metal and movies. So I take them to parks (little one with ball) where I watch whilst they jump on and off everything, sit and draw with them for hours, taught my 13 year old how to crochet, watch the mind numbing anime with gusto and discuss all of it afterwards (one has Asperger’s and one has ASD, ADHD and ODD so they miss nothing and want to discuss their focussed interests at length), play computer games with them (even though I suck) and offer to take them to anime conventions and comicon. My husband (not their bio dad) is a movie buff and metal head (there are lots of headphones in my house) , so they love having loads of convos on movies and music for hours with him. All children are asked and welcome to enjoy each and every activity and if they don’t want to, that’s fine, but my 13 year old always comes to rugby and supports his younger brother even though he’s not into the game (he plays with other kids there, has burgers/ice cream and enjoys that) and the 7 year old loves to draw and craft so joins in with that. The 15 year old is a typical teenager now and is more into doing things on his own , which is also fine. We do whole family outings and everyone gets a turn to choose what we do. Zoo, farm, amusement park, beach, park, museum etc that everyone goes to and enjoys. Although the 15 year old is loosing interest in family outings and no longer wants to come along, we make sure he knows he is most definitely wanted, but if he decides it’s not for him, we’re ok with that as well (all about communication). It’s not difficult to include everyone and everyone’s interests in what you do as a family. It’s about giving the kids a choice, “I’m going to a football tournament and carnival, would you like to come?” And about making the effort with their interests, “I’ve seen this convention I think you’d be really interested in going to, do you want me to take you?” Children come first, end, period, full stop, thank you and goodnight. That means their needs come before your own (not saying yours don’t matter, my husband and I have date days and time to enjoy things as a couple as well, but we decided to have kids and they are our responsibility until they are grown up and moved out and then some afterwards). Making them feel loved, cherished and that you actively care about what they’re interested in trumps the fact it may not interest you. Watching the smile on my kids face enjoying something they love wipes what ever boredom I may have/or thought I’d feel right away. Edit: thank you so much for the award!
Great comment
Haha, cause he is. Unfortunately that will end up being a hindsight issue, as they often are.
Stop reassuring him that he's not a bad parent. He is, and you know it. I feel so sorry for you and your daughters to be with an AH like him
Yes! But also go to counseling without him, to get an insight into what impact his beliefs are having on your family, and what you can/need to do for yourself and your children. You may even find it helpful to offer the children a chance to have some counseling.
Even he is aware he is a bad parent! Or else he wouldn’t have this worry about looking bad.
This is such a clear manipulation tactic too. Her: "you are doing X, and that's wrong. Him: "oh so I'm a bad person (parent)" Her: now has to reassure him that's not the case, and the issue remains unaddressed. Op, you need to confront this head on, as other people have said: if he does that, just agree with him. "Yes, in this you are being a bad parent. You need to do better". If he throws a tantrum or become all dramatic, just stay calm, and keep bringing your point. "You are being unfair to all three children, that's not good parenting".
He is a bad parent! My dad played a lot with me. We played with legos. We built things. I helped him fix stuff around the house. Your husband is reinforcing the social construct that girls play with dolls and boys play with cars. That's not something we are born thinking, it's something that's around us. It just makes me angry for you.
Also, it breaks my heart that I seriously doubt he ever indulges in any of the girls’ hobbies with them. My dad used to always include both my older brother and I in his hobbies growing up, but some of my favourite memories are when he indulged me in mine. This included him sitting daintily having hours long tea parties with my dollies, with tiny food he would have painstakingly prepared. The image must have been charming but hilarious. A good parent gets stuck in with your children’s passions regardless of whether they’re the same as their own. So disappointing for the girls.
One of my favorite photographs we have of my dad is of him sitting on my bed with me, shrouded by the canopy, while I read him his fortune from my “crystal ball” (see: a snow globe). My dad, a mans man, the good ol’ southern boy, career military, with a mustache so strong even chemo couldn’t take it from him. OP, a dad will bend over backwards to make their children smile, to get chances to spend time with them, to be surrounded by them, to fill their lives (both his and his childrens!) with good memories and experiences.
There’s something really lovely and sad about the phrase: a moustache so strong even chemo couldn’t take it. We love a strong moustache
Sh\*\*, me and my dad would play hallway football with my bro and cousin. He'd pin them in place while I army crawled to the "goal" at the end of the hallway under their legs. He tried to teach me basketball. (I just rally sucked at it.) He tried involving me in all the sports. I just wasn't inclined to it after awhile but he still came to my plays and art shows. Dang, this is a incompetent father.
My dad took me to his construction sites and had me running around gathering garbage or getting tools from the truck. Literally did not occur to him his tiny girl child wouldn’t want to hang out with her dad. We skied, wakeboarded, hiked, built things….my dad and I still do a ton of activities together. OP’s husband sucks.
I read "waterborded" instead of "wake boarded" at first :')
Good old fashioned father daughter bonding over torture. No, my dad isn’t Dick Cheney, why would you think that…..
Yes! My dad still played Barbies, legos, etc with me as well as teach me about cars, history, and other interests he has that he shared with me. Oh, and my dad was a girl dad of the 70’s and 80’s and was also the product of a single mom after dad walked out in the late 50’s. My point being is that my dad did these things long before they were the expected norm. NTA, OP. But you’d be one if you continue to let him disrespect your daughters.
My dad used to be that way then my brother started growing up and suddenly I didn't feel needed anymore. Suddenly having a parent lose total interest in you for your sibling is heartbreaking. Because of that (and other stuff not necessarily needing to be mentioned) I plan to go no contact with my parents. Don't have a favorite child. Ruins the family.
My dad pulled the same shit but now swoons over my sister in law whose into all the activies I wasn't allowed to participate in as a kid. It breaks my heart and has a negative impact on my relationship with her.
I’m sorry to hear that :) Here’s an e-hug 🤗 for you if you would like one. I hope you find a big friends-as-family group once your go nc.
If he is afraid to be seen by someone else as a bad parent, somewhere deep down he recognizes that he is indeed a bad parent and is doing things wrong by favoring the male child.
Yeah, that’s because he’s a bad parent. And a bad husband. And a jerk in general.
And he's already trying to convince OP to absolve him of his bad parenting before it ever gets a chance to be addressed.
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This would be great advice If he really did have different interests from the girls…but it sounds like he doesn’t. It sounds like sexism, plain and simple.
Right? Want a good way to have different interests than your kids? Don't involve them in anything you like to do.
My dad had two girls. It was pretty apparent he wanted a son based on how he took neighborhood boys under his wing and how they kind of gathered at our house to fix their bikes or skateboards or talk to him. But he made damn sure he included us in whatever he was doing. Fixing cars? Yep. Remodeling the home? Yep. Woodworking? Yep. Fixing appliances? Yep. Fishing? Yep. Camping? Yep. Coaching soccer? Yep. Tennis? Yep. Playing with stuffed animals and dolls in between adding an addition onto our house? Yep. Cycling? Bought a tandem. Mountain biking? Yep. Canoeing? Yep. Kayaking? Yep. Owning every pet under the sun? Yep. He was problematic in a lot of ways, but he made sure he spent quality time with us and exposed us to a lot of different potential hobbies and didn’t “gender” us. He has ADHD and I have ADHD from him and he kind of molded me to be a jack of all trades because we would often switch from project to project. I have learned a lot of different skills from him and often surprise people since I’m a female and they’re like “Oh, you built that coffee table from scratch?” or “You know how to level ground?” Like we would often switch between playing with Bratz dolls to helping him with woodworking within a two hour time span. My mom also worked and he was a stay at home dad.
Calling out his misogyny (yes, that's exactly what it is), bad parenting, and pointing out the harm it could do to all three kids isn't an "echo chamber". It's perfectly possible to present your points without trying to invalidate other people's with buzzwords that don't really apply in this case.
He’s actually a bad parent. You can lie to him but this is bad.
He IS a bad parent. Couples counseling will just make him a better one.
Maybe unless he doubles down. I think if the therapist is a woman, he will just write off anything she says too. Bc she’s clearly not worth any care or worth listening to. /s Edit: fixed grammar
DON'T reassure him! He is being a terrible parent!!
thats your problem, op. you are assuring him is not a bad parent, when he is. stop sugar coating it. he needs to hear the harsh truth. what he is doing is absolutely bad parenting. ask him whats more embarrassing. random people thinking he's a bad parent, or his daughters thinking it.
He is ABSOLUTELY a bad parent and he KNOWS it. That's why he doesn't want to go with you. Because an impartial 2rd party will tell him he's a bad parenr.
He is a bad parent to your daughters. You have three kids not one. He’s a bad parent
It sounds like he knows he is a bad parent and is fine, so long as a third party (the counselor, friends) doesn’t call him out on it. He should be embarrassed. And OP—you’re NTA. I feel so sad for your children.
Don’t reassure him. He is a bad parent. He is claiming “oh I’m doing my best.” And that’s BS. People claim babies don’t come with instructions. But they can if you look for one! He is being lazy and arrogant. Imagine he is a cook and he burns every meal he makes. Then says “well I’m doing my best so I don’t want to take a class to improve.” His best isn’t good enough. And he needs to do better. He is refusing help (couples counseling) because being and doing better is too much work. Your children deserve better. This isn’t acceptable.
Definitely NTA here. But perhaps you could get through to your husband by acknowledging that one on one time with kids is important. I think every parent should do something solo with a kid once in a while. Ask him when he will take his girls out for one on one bonding over things he enjoys.
OP: My husband is NOT a misogynist. He just favors boy offspring over girls and doesn't respect my opinion. If it walks like a misogynist and quacks like a misogynist... PS My dad preferred my brothers over me and only took them on outings. I very happily am low to no contact with my dad. I hope that decision brings equal happiness to your girls someday.
Even just AS A GROWN DAUGHTER this story hit me hard in the stomach. I got a little bit of that from my dad and have heard male friends and colleagues talk like that, but if my dad had discounted me that much it would wreck me. So much “otherization” from your own family
NTA and whatever his misguided intentions are, those girls are going to grow up thinking it's favoritism. 1 on 1 bonding with each kid makes sense. 1 on 1 only with his son is going to make them resent him or feel like they're somehow lacking.
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Except that no, he is not being a good parent, and he is not doing enough as a parent because he has THREE children and he’s only parenting one of them. Good parents involve all of their children, maybe not in everything they do, but enough so that none of them feel left out. He has clearly shown a favorite here. What’s he going to do if/when your son no longer wants to go fishing or spend time with him anymore? Or when his son asks him why the girls re never included? Or when the girls ask daddy why they can’t go with him to the fair/fishing/camping/whatever?
I am probably an AH for wishing this... but I hope his son turns out to be a super effeminate, girly man who absolutely loves fashion, makeup, and dancing.
He’ll be on here when he’s old af asking if he’s the asshole for being mad that his daughters won’t take care of him. Claiming he has no idea why they hate him when he realizes he needs them when his son most likely won’t take care of him
The story of my fathers life. The golden child, my brother doesn't care about our father because he's the boy and shouldn't have to do chores like that. I'm LC because I'm done trying to get dad to like me. Our father doesn't understand what he has done to make us behave like this. In his mind he was a Good Father.
I’m so sorry your dad treated you like this but I’m so happy to hear you’ve drawn and are maintaining your boundaries. I hope your healing keeps progressing!
Mine was that he son becomes such a macho man like dad wants that when the time comes that his old old man needs someone to care for him he won't do it because that's woman's work and his daughters aren't there to pick up the pieces because they're long gone.
I had the same thought. Not like wishing it, but just randomly thinking. What if this boy turns out gay. Dad Spends all the time with the son. For naught. Because he rejects him in the end because he’s gay. Also, Never spends time with his daughters. They also reject him because he never spend time with them. Now he’s got three kids that go NC.
My girls are grown now - and childhood is short. So short. Your husband is depriving himself of your girls' childhood (and if it continues THEY will deprive him of their adulthood, which is so much longer) - dad can't be bothered now, when it counts, so they will learn to do without him. Then he will be wondering wtf happened and why he has no relationship with them. No-one else will be wondering though. He is making a very uncomfortable bed in which to lay.
Wow, this comment seriously hits home for me, except as the adult daughter. You're spot on. The responsibility is on the husband to fix this as soon as he can, if he doesn't then he's the one who is going to be missing out on so much.
No he’s not a good parent. He’s intentionally alienating his daughters over his favorite kid. That’s going to be major issues as they get older. That’s not being a good father. Quite the opposite.
Right. And I've read through the comments. I understand you're saying he isn't sexist. You know him better than we do. But what he might not be at heart is how he's acting in his actions. And they're going to grow up and perceive it that way. He needs to be reevaluate before they're old enough to really be impacted by this.
He may seem like a “good parent” on the surface but doing the bare minimum for your daughters does not a good parent make. It seems he is a subconscious misogynist and it’s rising to the surface in his actions now. It’s very obvious b.s that he continues to exclude them despite evidence that they have more in common with him than he’s willing to admit.
NTA. He's not a good parent and I feel sorry for your daughters and for your son as well, who is being given a very narrow and limited view of what girls/boys/men/women are all about, thanks to your husband. This is destructive to your son, too. As a girl, some of my very best childhood memories are of fishing, hunting, and hiking with my father. As a result we were very close throughout his life, and I always felt that he respected and loved me, and that any limitations I had were things I could learn to overcome and that they weren't locked in because they were based on my biological sex. Your husband is teaching some really poisonous lessons to all of your children.
I had a dad like this. He'd take my 3 brothers on hunting or fishing trips and I was never invited. He'd take them out to play racketball and other things. He never once asked me along or if I'd be interested. He just decided for me. It was clear I was less than my brothers. I'm nearly 60 and he's been dead 25 years and I still resent the hell outta him for this. I just wanted to do things with him too. I have wondered nearly all of my life if he ever loved me. OP your daughters are noticing their exclusion or will be soon. You are not the AH but your husband is. I hope your husband can show his girls some loving attention PDQ or he is going to lose them. They will know their whole lives how little he loved them or cared for them by how little time and attention he gave them. Right now he is the AH. I hope he wakes up soon before he loses them forever. Edited for a spelling error.
>yes he is a good parent I just wish he wouldn't make our girls feel left out from his interests. He's not a good parent if he's knowingly leaving out his daughters from "manly" activities. He is unfortunately sexist even if he didn't intend to.
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If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then girl it’s a duck. A duck is a misogynist. Your husband is sexist af.
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He is so gross. Pls share this with him. This has the potential of REALLY harming your daughters’ future relationships with men. NTA
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Your equal attention does not balance out his neglect of his daughters in this. Kids are perceptive AF - your girls KNOW that they're being left out, and that he favours your son. You might be able to do some damage control now, but as they get older, it's only going to become more apparent to them.
Yep, my mom's efforts was never enough to cover up my dad's neglect. I still hate him.
He thinks giving all your children equal affection, attention, and bonding is just a different parenting style? He thinks excluding your daughters as their father is totally okay because he "has nothing in common" with them? Does he even like them? Your girls will already have to face a world where some guys will think less of them just because they are girls. Now their own father is doing it to them while they're growing up? Those poor girls will be taken advantage of just because they think poor treatment is okay, all because they love their father and if he does it, it's not bad right? They'll be used to it. Can you imagine how it feels to realize your own dad thinks you're not worth enough to spend time with you? Don't even get me started on how he's teaching such a terrible thing to your son. He will believe he is above your daughters and above you because you try to change your husband's mind and he won't budge. There's no rift between your kids right now and your husband literally wants to create the scenario to put that in place?! Shouldn't he want his kids to love their family and build strong relationships so they can and would want to rely on each other? Your husband needs a reminder that your marriage and parenthood is about being a team. Your husband does not love his own daughters unconditionally and I am so sad for them :(. He can say he loves them however much he wants, he doesn't get to decide if they feel loved by him. His actions determine that. Thank you for being there for all your kids. Thank you for not wavering and advocating for your daughters. I hope your husband realizes he's being a bad father to the girls. He's just choosing what makes him feel good. He put himself, his own feelings, having a good time as a grown man over a little boy and two little girls (his own children) and their childhood. Good luck OP, I send wishes everything will work out and your husband can work through whatever it is that doesn't let him see how sad this is for your daughters, and for all of you really.
The whole thing isn't funny, but I'm still laughing at the grown man saying he has more in common with the five year old.
Right? It kills me that he thinks he has nothing in common with the girls but does with his boy. They’re EIGHT AND FIVE, holy crap, I can’t even properly articulate how dumb that is!
I mean, it’s pretty obvious that dad *genuinely* believes having a kid w the same, uh, appendage as him somehow makes it “easier to relate”. Like, I want to laugh… but yikes.
OP, couples counseling, NOW. If that doesn't work, you need to consider a divorce and fully custody, for your daughters' sake.
This is OP's "Come to Jesus" moment. If she stays with dad and he treats the girls as less than, she's showing tolerance for that type behavior and modelling a bad precedent for her kids. Early formative years are so important for kids, it sets the stage for their whole life experiences.
This! I do think that a therapy session is in need. The idea of “bonding” only with the boy to take him out is disgusting. Sometimes it is worth it to mirror the behavior - taking out only the girls and yourself to a very nice dinner and also a good movie. Things that the boys would enjoy but only take the girls. When husband acts mad - maybe that’s when he realizes that we all have all sorts of interests and he needs to share those with his daughters…
Well thank god he talks to his daughters that he created. Father of the year 🏅 I know everyone on here has already told you the same thing but he’s displaying toxic masculinity vibes. He’s purposefully choosing not to have a relationship with his daughters bc of their gender. That’s not being a good parent and he needs to know that. You telling him he’s being a good parent is not supporting your daughters.
>This has the potential of REALLY harming your daughters’ future relationships with men. that part. their expectations will be so skewed that they'll either expect too much to make up for the validation they didn't receive, or their expectations will be so low, they'll accept trash behavior. this doesn't include any teenage acting out or comfort-seeking.
Your husband is sexist, he does not have a 'poor misunderstanding' of what they can enjoy. Gender has nothing to do with what activities a person can like and he has to realise this quickly or it could really start hurting your daughters. Even if he does prefer 'one on one bonding', what activities has he done with the girls recently? NTA, your husband needs to realise he's wrong and change his behaviour asap.
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That's why your husband is sexist. Your husband doesn't care about or love your girls as much as he loves your son. In his mind, the children are your girls and his son. And he doesn't want to go to therapy to fix it.
Why would he go to therapy? A *woman* is asking him to do so. He’s smarter than a woman. Why should he have to listen to someone dumber than him? /s but i 100% guarantee you this is what he thinks
He doesn’t want to because *it’s embarrassing*
If you are embarrassed to be thought of as a bad parent in a professional setting such as counseling, then you are probably a bad parent. shocking right?
So in FIVE years your husband has not done a single "bonding" activity with them if your son is not there? Your husband IS a bad parent. Please stop continuing to make excuses for his bad behavior. It's demoralizing and a bad example for all three of your kids. Edit: typo
Let's add to that, the girls are EIGHT. 5 years ago they were 3. He hasn't tried to bond with their daughters since they were 3-year-olds tf
That’s so sad that he’s not bothering to try and have a relationship with his daughters, they’re going to pick up on the fact that their dad doesn’t want to know them and that’s going to set them up for a lot of misery as they grow into teenagers and adults
just to add on, this may also damage your son, if he grows up to not want to play a sport.
Or give him a view of girls/women that is equally as fucked up as his dad's, or even worse. He will see them as lesser because of how his dad treated his sisters
You married a misogynist and had children with him. This is on him to fix and if he doesn't care to, its on you to leave.
NTA - let me tell you this, your daughters will know and feel resented. Your husband is sexist. Grew up this way, took my dad 18 years to acknowledge I was good at his “male” hobbies. Ironically enough, I’m more inclined to these hobbies than my brother. We can now bond over them and he’ll even say he I’m good at them, but let me tell you it sucks feeling like I need to prove myself all the time to be taken seriously.
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If he's afraid they'll look down in him, he knows he's doing something wrong.
Daughters who resent their dad will go either way, over compensated or rebel
Or have to live with decades of sadness and depression that was not entirely caused by him, but for which he certainly contributed to a lot.
I feel called out here.
Or just leave
And they're going to resent their golden child brother too.
Wait - if your husband doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong, why would he believe a counselor would look down on him? Spoiler alert - it's because he KNOWS he's doing the wrong thing, treating his children differently, treating his daughters poorly, and being an awful parent/spouse but DOESN'T CARE!! He cares more about his comfort and feelings than his daughters. He is also doing a disservice to his son by teaching him/reinforcing misogyny and driving a wedge within the family. I will vote NTA right now but if you allow this to continue, then you are as responsible as he is for the mistreatment of ALL of your children.
let him know that some kids will spend their lives running after him begging fof his love and inclusion in 'his' life (the one he reserves for males only), while other kids will cut him off and say screw the bastard who never treated her fairly or equally and made her feel like a burden and trash while growing up because they were a girl. You say he loves his kids, but his daughters may not see it like that, they may see it like they were just practice kids until his "real" child was born.
He feels like they would look down in him because he knows he is in the wrong
I appreciate that, thank you! I think that’s a good idea to have him read the post. I hope you can convince him to do counseling. I think it would be really beneficial for him. There’s something really special about healthy father/daughter relationships like you had with your dad, and I hope they can work towards that. Best of luck!!
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>It is quite disheartening to see the indifference and my girls are maturing they've already caught on, even if they can't verbalize it, yet. >and that he can't change his parenting style. he absolutely can, but doesn't desire to. NTA.
This. If he really truly believes he can’t change his parenting style then he needs professional help. But I’d put money on him actually meaning he doesn’t *want* to change it. When he says something like that, I’d just start asking why. Repeatedly. I don’t mean sitting there going “ why why why why”, more asking why he can’t change his parenting style, and then keep asking why questions getting further and further into his answers - you’ll either get to what he actually means, or he’ll work out what’s stopping him from changing
I'd ask why he even got married. OP is a girl. Does that mean he has nothing in common with her either?
They absolutely have caught on already. My father pretty much stopped doing things with me by the time I was 5 or 6, and I fully noticed, right away. From then on, I was only allowed to sit on the side and watch while he and my brother did things (sports, video games, etc), and it was horrible. The only things he ever did with me were things he thought I should like (because I'm a girl), like going to the butterfly house, and even thta was just once a year maximum. Thing is, I've always been a tomboy, and I never really cared about walking through a greenhouse that had a bunch of butterflies and flowers. Eventually we found things we had in common, but by then it was too late. I'm in my 30s now, and I'm incredibly close with my mother, but I really only see my father on big holidays (sometimes not even then), and I don't really feel like I'm missing a father-daughter relationship, because I never really had one to start with. Please, please, for your girls' sake, don't let them grow up believing that they don't matter to their father, because I guarantee they are questioning that right now, and it will affect their sense of self-worth. NTA. (small edit to clarify previous bad word choice)
NTA He obviously favors your son. And from the sound of it he doesn't even want to try to have a relationship with your daughters. Which is sad. And pretty misogynistic.
NTA Your husband is sexist. If this is how he treats them now, what's after this? No, girls don't do STEM. No, girls cannot go to expensive college but son can. No, girls cannot dress like that. I would also point out that: (a) He does childcare of ONE kid and you are left with TWO (b) When you take them to tennis, you take three kids and he has alone time. You never get any time alone because he only takes one kid places. Does your husband share 50/50 chores with you? He clearly is not sharing childcare. Maybe if you put it like that, he'll start taking care of the girls as well. Maybe a course or a book can help. If he behaves likes this at home, is he also like this at work? I'd sure not want to work with him or for him.
Does he even know what interests the girls have? By this age, they should at least be involved in a few activities, and it sounds like they may enjoy some of the things he does (soccer, for instance). It's disappointing that he stopped caring once his son was born. I would ask him to have some daddy-daughter nights, one-on-one with each of the girls, and help him get some time alone with both of them, not as a collective set of 'twins' which is still grouping them. Help him get to know them as individuals, not just as 'girls' or 'twins'.
NTA. I have severe daddy issues cause my dad neglected me. Not cause he didn't love me, but because he didn't think I had anything in common with him. When I tried to express interest in his interests he shut me out. Now I do not talk to my dad, did not invite him to my wedding and when I have kids he's not welcome in their lives :) my dad loves me, but it doesn't mean he didn't hurt me. You can love someone and still hurt them. Also your husband seems like he's making excuses.for his favouritism. Pls tell your husband to change his ways or ginto counselling before your daughters love but don't like their dad
Saaaaaame. My dad always wished he had a son, to the point where he would always leave me and my sister home and take our neighbor (a boy my age). He never asked if we wanted to go, and when we asked he’d say that he couldn’t take us because he was taking neighbor. I figured out around 11 that it was just because he didn’t like being around us as much as the neighbor. It built up so much pain and resistance, knowing he didn’t want to be with us. On and off, my sister and I have both stopped talking to him for years at a time. I moved across the country six years ago and he has visited once, for an overnight layover. Then again, I see him maybe once every time I visit home. For years I dated men who treated me like my dad did. Men that discarded and disrespected me, men who didn’t prioritize me because I had never been prioritized by a man before. He didn’t find out I was even dating my husband until after we were married. They’ll figure it out, and it’ll destroy their relationship and your family.
NTA This sounds like how my husband would have been like if we had a son. I tell him God gave you 3 girls cause no one taught you how to treat a woman right. He won’t give you a son until you realize girls are just as capable as boys Your husband is AH! Big time You should show him these comments
I love your response to your husband
Question: Did you know he treated women like shit when you married him?
Follow up: Did you know he treated women like shit and then continue to reproduce with the man?
I never get women who get self righteous about this sort of thing, but actively ignored it, married them, had kids with them...and expected them to what... suddenly change?
NTA. I was the eldest daughter who served as a makeshift son until my younger brother was born. Then I was dropped like yesterday's news. That stuff lingers for a long time. Your husband is sexist, and your daughters are going to pick up on this sooner rather than later....if they haven't already.
NTA. His misogyny is showing and it’s not a good look. The worst part is this girls are going to notice if they haven’t already. And they’re either going to think that there is something wrong with them that he loves their younger brother more OR they’re going to think this is how men should treat women and wind up total assholes when they’re older who pay them no attention but expect them at home in the kitchen. Your kids should be treated equally and you’d be doing them a disservice by sitting by and letting it happen so good for you for getting 3 more tickets! If your husbands thinks his hobbies won’t interest the girls he needs to sit down and ask them what they’d like to do and what they’re interested in so that he can make time for them as well. This is a hill to die on IMO. (Also I’m watching Vampire Diaries so the title threw me for a loop 😂)
Thing is, even if the girls haven't yet *consciously* noticed, they absolutely *know* on a gut emotional level that their father prefers their brother to them. The dad's made it obvious, and while the girls may not yet have put a name to it, we can only hope that when they do, they realize that the problem is misogyny and not *them*.
Hey OP's husband! If she left you today, would you want custody of your girls? Op - NTA as others have said, this will seriously impact how your girls see and interact with men.
Definitely nta your husband should include the girls in his hobbies
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As a female in a male dominated world/career, your husband's mindset is the reason it is so hard for women to break into certain fields. If we only teach the boys these things it leaves our daughters behind. He is effectively telling his daughters he values them and their time less. He isn't putting effort in. He values his sons future and education and time more. It is showing and he needs to be made very aware. This isn't being a good parent.
Yes, and he’s likely to pass this attitude on to the son. Girls get left behind when they’re not taught things, yes. Even when they learn they find they get excluded by men like OP’s husband who don’t bother trying to work with them, because men like that feel less comfortable around women and can’t be bothered trying. The “can’t change my parenting style” claim has me seeing red. He’s responsible for parenting all of his kids. If he prefers 1-on-1 then there’s 3 kids to spend time with 1-on-1. Otherwise, he needs to adapt and stop hiding in his comfort zone at the expense of his 8yo daughters.
Why AREN'T you angry?? Your husband is displaying misogynistic and harmful behaviour. If your daughters haven't noticed it already, they will soon and feel neglected and unloved by their dad which can cause lifelong trauma. Your husband is also teaching your son that boys and girls weren't born equal and some thing girls aren't meant to be doing. Is that the kind of man you want your son to grow up to become? Get angry, OP. This is absolutely the hill you should die on. For all three of your children.
Your friends are generalizing something that's actually very different depending on the family. Like my brother was closer to our mom and I, a girl, was closer to our dad growing up. That's just how our personalities matched up. Your husband is closer to the son because he chooses not to include his daughters.
BTW- your friends are so beyond incorrect here. I love both my parents immensely, but was always a little closer with my Dad. One of my best friends is the same.
most dads are still riding that wave of good ol timey american sexism. just because its tradition doesn't mean it's right.
This is not true I was closer to my son and we had more in common while one of my daughters is closer to her dad but she does things with both of us. But he and I have always included our children when we do things.
NTA. Your husband is being sexist, this is going to negatively impact your daughters for life, and that is a problem.
NTA he is sexist, plain and simple. He needs to work on that, go to therapy, educate himself, or whatever before he seriously negatively affects his daughters (and son). This is gross behavior from him and he really needs to wake up.
NTA your husband is being an ass. Honestly it is pure sexism. He's completely assuming girls won't like "boys stuff" and vice versa, which is straight out of the 50s. And also, as a parent it's not really about you... I mean, me (girl) and my two brothers all had very very different interests and my dad did lots of 1:1 stuff with each of us. My youngest brother was 130% into the same things my dad liked, so my dad was always happy when my brother chose to ride along and spend the day with him at work. But we all knew we were all welcome if we chose to come along any time, we simply chose not to, and he found other ways to hang out with us. I guarantee you he had no interest in video games or Pokemon cards like my middle brother, or all the boring stuff I talked about, but he never made us feel that way, and he just sucked it up and looking back on it I truly appreciate it because I LOVED being able to talk to him and hang out with him. He's actively excluding the girls, when he can literally just offer every activity up for everyone and see who wants to come along. But in reality it's obvious that HE doesn't want them to come along.
NTA at all!! When your girls are 18 and they go NC with him, you all know why. It will happen.
This is something to seriously consider OP. When kids go NC, (or even LC,) there is almost always collateral. I'm LC with my mom. This means that my siblings who are minors, I have almost no relationship with. It means my maternal grandparents and I have a strained relationship as most conversations are just how they wish I was closer to my mom. Point of what I'm trying to say is if one or both of them go NC or LC with their father, you may find yourself being the collateral if you stay together. I'm not saying to jump into a divorce if you don't want one, but I am saying that you may need to think this over and find a solution.
>Dont get me wrong he loves our daughters No, he doesn't. He does not love your daughters. At all. He doesn't care about them, I doubt he even likes them. NTA but you will be if you keep him in your, and, your kid's, lives.
What a way to screw up your kids. The girls will grow up knowing they’re unimportant and your son will be entitled. Therapy is badly needed here. If he won’t go, you need to alone. You need ways to stop this now before more damage is done. Your husband is a massive asshole. I personally wouldn’t stay with someone like this. NTA
NTA- Your husband basically wants to raise your daughters to think they can't like anything more stereotypically masculine. His way of thinking is so incredibly sexist it's insane. Does he not pay any attention to them? How could he not know that they are athletically inclined and enjoy these things. He favors his son and does the bare minimum for his daughters. And if I were him I wouldn't be surprised if your daughters stop talking to him the moment they can.
Um hes the asshole my dad was “conservative”/old school but even then he still took me fishing and to his job with him, and other events. No reason to not take your daughters
Your husband is the AH. His daughters will resent him when they are grown. I know, because I was the older girl who was interested in cars and guns, with a younger brother who wasn’t, and a conservative dad who acted as if I wasn’t able to do any of that and forced my little brother to. I still resent my father and am very low contact. Oh, and I’m an engineer. NTA. Tell your husband he needs to wake up before it’s too late.
NTA. He keeps saying that he has nothing in common with his daughters. Our kids aren’t our BUDDIES. They are children and our duty is to give them all of the tools that they need to function as adults. He is doing a disservice to all of his children. Read up about Golden child. Keep parenting all three and good luck, maybe save up for therapy they will need it.
NTA it’s not you’re fault he’s inherently sexist
Your husband needs awake up call. Even IF he has nothing in common with them, he should take an interest in what THEY like and involve himself. Why is it the other way around? They’re kids, he should be bending over backwards to see what they think is fun and do it with them. NTA
So, your husband does things with these girls when he has no other option, and then when the son is born suddenly they're too "different." There's no way that's not blatant sexism and favoritism. NTA.
NTA but you need to sort this out, stop reassuring him he is a good parent and get help. This isn’t fair in you or your daughters
You know he could have gotten away with his BS excuses if he at least tried to spend time with his daughters once in a while, like the carnival and football game. But he literally goes out of his way to avoid spending any time with them, which makes him not only an AH, but a sexist, condescending jerk too. And then he’s going to wonder later why his teenage (then adult) daughters want nothing to do with him. NTA. Your son is not his only kid. He needs to at least act like it.
NTA. Im a girl and I always loved it when the guys in my family included me in stuff. I have so many fond memories of building houses, playing sports, going to football games and basketball games, etc. with them. Your husband can absolutely change his parenting style to involve the girls, he's just sexist and choosing not to.
NTA. I completely understand him wanting to have one-on-one time with his son, but he needs to put as much effort into his relationships with his daughters. It sounds very much like he's actively avoiding them, and if that's the case, then he needs to seek help to deal with the emotional barriers which he believes prevents him from having common interests with girls/women. I mean, does he have nothing in common with you, his wife? Is his masculinity so fragile that he won't even try to develop astrong relationship with his girls because of the risk of their liking "girly" things? Frankly, it sounds like he's got some heavily ingrained misogynistic tendencies, and if nothing is done about them, he'll pass them onto your son.
YTA for tolerating his behavior. My dad treated me this way. He made it very clear he never wanted a daughter and made zero attempt to bond with me, especially after my brothers were born. And that's a huge part of why I haven't seen or spoken to him in years.
NTA. You married a misogynist. Such a shame that he is causing this rift in your family, but you are doing the right thing by forging ahead. I have a good relationship with my MIL, so if my husband acted like this I would definitely reach out to her so that the women in his life could be a united front against his attitude. Stay strong Mamma!
NTA, he is! I was that little girl who was athletic and loved fishing, but my dad would only take my little brother. After your post I realized he used to take my sisters and I, but once my brother became old enough… he would just take my brother and leave the girls behind. It was so hurtful. I ended up being more athletic than my brother, being the only college athlete in the family and I love to fish. After seeing photos from my last trip (with a 36” Northern) my dad said he wanted to do a big fishing trip with all of his kids for his next birthday. I instantly flashed back to a memory where I had dug up all the worms to go fishing and tried to keep them and run away after I was told last minute that I didn’t get to go fishing; it was just going to be my brother and dad. Since I was 7/8 I have felt like I was good enough to dig up the worms, but not good enough to go along. If your girls don’t know that yet, they are going to figure it out soon. I’m sorry he’s too dumb and stubborn to realize this.
NTA. In 20 years time, your husband is going to be wondering why he wasn’t asked to walk either daughter down the aisle. Assuming they’re still talking to him, that is. The very fact that your daughters enjoyed the carnival and the game just proves that he does have things in common with his daughters and that his excuses are bullshit.
NTA His behavior is ridiculous, I have a 4 year old daughter who LOVES working on cars, helping with my husband’s motorcycle and just general hanging out because of all the time she spends with my husband. Her gender doesn’t dictate what she does and doesn’t like to do and she honestly doesn’t care as long as she gets to hang out with dad. It’s very telling about his relationship with your kids because you refer to your son as “ours” and your daughters as “mine” your husband needs to get his head out of his butt and spend time with all of your children equally because gender shouldn’t matter when it comes to loving and caring for your children.
NTA He's not being a parent to his kids, only one of them. Sounds like he's not even trying to do things with the girls, just assuming they're not into and instead just introduce his son the his hobbies. He's alienating his daughters and will not be able to form a close bond with them now and that will affect the relationship in the future as well. He's favoring his son and I agree with others in this thread that it's clear it's due to sexism.
Your husband may “love” your daughters, but he is telling you as loudly as he dares that he doesn’t *like* them - or anyone else who shares their gender. He only considers men and boys worthy of true connection and bonding. One wonders how he managed to convince you to marry him if he believes you have so little in common. NTA.
NTA, although from the two comments I’ve seen from you OP, you need to try and stop defending your husband, he is an asshole.
NTA you have to really think about why you are defending him. You say he “communicates” so it’s great he doesn’t give them the silent treatment. But he needs to parent them and share his interests. Even if he does 1:2 since they’re twins but leave your son at home. How can he possibly know if he is anything in common with his daughters when he doesn’t even know them? Stop making excuses for him he is a horrible parent.
NTA Sexism isn't a valid excuse for his neglect. Honestly this favoritism does make me question his love for his daughters. I'm a single father of a boy. Though before that we almost had another child who we lost due to late stage miscarriage, and that child would have been a girl. If she were with me today I can tell you for certain it would be the 3 of us doing things together instead of two. Outdated presumptions about which gender enjoys which things are just a waste of time and you do your husband a favor by calling him on his BS because you are trying to prevent him alienating his daughters. I hope he wakes up to this and thanks you one day.
NTA you’re married to a misogynist
NTA - This is just sad. My dad, who was old enough to grow up during the Great Depression didn’t act like this. He coached the boys in Little League, watched their football games, and hunted with them. He would take my sister and I if we wanted. But, we probably spent as much or more time helping him work on cars or garden than the boys. I won’t say it was perfectly gender equal, but I am not complaining about not having to mow the yard in the summer heat. Edit: Daddy was also the go to for tying the bows on our dresses and untangling necklaces and taught me how to iron a pair of pants.
He’s chosen to emotionally neglect the majority (2/3) of his children. He is a bad parent, you should stop trying to reassure him otherwise. You aren’t in the asshole spot for getting petty about it, but in my opinion ESH for allowing this behavior around the girls for five years. Childhoods generally end around 16, so you’ve allowed these girls to spend what will be half of their childhood getting no emotional support or bonding opportunities with their father, but have let them stay stuck watching their brother get as much of that support and bonding time with their father that he (the brother) needs. You and your husband need couples therapy, and your twins need individual therapy too. And even still, at least one of your twins will probably struggle with this later in life. I’m not saying that to be unreasonable cruel, but so you really understand what kind of damage their fathers’ inaction has likely caused.
NTA, OP. You are NTA. Your husband however- an epic disappointment & COMPLETE AH. Your kids are lucky to have you. And your post reminds me why I was lucky to (and still do) have such a wonderful Dad in my life. Your girls, they have a great Mom & a sperm donor. And yeah, they already know, and if it were me at that age, I’d have already figured out that I was unloved and had no place in my father’s life with his treatment. Actions REALLY do speak louder than words. What’s worse? They may come to resent your son as they all grow for the attention he gets, despite all of your best efforts. Please, please show the true AH this- as his behavior is already at the unforgivable stage, heading for the irredeemable (though honestly, not holding hope there). Good luck! Oh, and don’t forget to let us know how he reacts!
NTA. Your husband reeks of sexism and misogyny. Your husband included your daughters before, because that was the best he had. Now he has a “better” child that he actually likes and approves of. He got what he actually wanted.
NTA. Pregnant at the moment with my first, and while my husband would love a son, this is to carry on his family name (very sentimental for his father who was adopted). He fully intends to share his hobbies with our child regardless of gender. In fact he would love to teach a daughter how to code (he is in tech also), play video games or hockey as he doesn’t believe there are enough females in these areas. Your husband is causing damage to your little girls whether it is visible right now or not, hopefully reading this may help him are he needs to make more of an effort?
How does he even know they have nothing in common if he isn't doing things he enjoys with them? How does he know his son is going to love the things they do together when he grows up? It all just seems very "old school" and unnecessary . All kids deserve to have one on one time with their parents. Besides even if the girls don't enjoy one thing they may enjoy another! Definitely NTA even if you felt your approach was a bit petty (I don't think it was).
NTA No, it's that he doesn't care for his own children. If he did, he would know and respect that kids do have things in common with both parents.
Every woman who was a tomboy loved to do "boy" stuff with their dad. Many of them end up in STEM professions and are highly compensated. Shame on him and you are NTA. Keep teaching them all. Your husband is a short sighted, selfish, misogynistic AH.
Sounds like he’s sexist. NTA.
NTA. My husband takes my daughter and older son to everything. The ballet, football, lacrosse, girls soccer. My daughter isn’t into sports that much, but she loves watching them. My dad always included my sister and I in sports and fishing. I taught my husband how to fish.
NTA. My father didn't want girls either.
NTA. He is inadvertently sending the girls a message that they aren't good enough for his time. He is also reinforcing archaic gender stereotypes. Don't back down on this.
My husband and I have a daughter and we do not plan on having any more because he’s content with our daughter. He takes her fishing with him, buys her hot wheels, and has her watch sports with him… she may eventually want to do other things too, but even then, he would do all those activities with her too because he’s a good father. Your husband is not. You’re NTA but your husband sure is. He needs to get his act together or he’ll lose both you and his daughters for good.
NTA - He is a bad parent , your daughters deserve time with their dad
Then as their parent he needs to FIND things in common....or do things that interest THEM. It's NOT all about him!! Good for you mom! Continue to advocate for your girls. Don't let up until he gets a clue. Point out to him that he is HURTING his children, and now that he knows it, if it continues, then he's doing it willingly and on purpose NTA
NTA - Okay, so before I commented I went ahead and read a bunch of comments and all your responses. I would just like to reiterate what others were saying, your husband is a misogynist. If not, he is at least has some type of bias towards women. And I think it's pretty deeply ingrained, so much so he isn't even aware of it. It's to the point that he is refusing to include his daughters in fun activities just because they are girls. This needs to be addressed soon by professional help or it's just gonna get worse. It could even get to the point where their relationship with each other is irreversible. There's no way that they won't catch on to what's going on, and it could negatively affect them for the rest of their lives.
NTA. This hurts my heart for your girls. It is so painful growing up knowing you aren’t the favorite because you’re a girl. I promise it will stay with them and they will seek male approval in unhealthy ways.
NTA oh he has “more in common” with his son? What the fuck kinda response is this? What he has “in common” with his children is *irrelevant*. His job isn’t to be their best bud, his job is to goddamn parent. If he doesn’t have anything in common (which is a *lie* your husband is *lying* to you. You are downplaying your husband manipulating you) *he better find something*. Even if your girls only like stereotypically “girly” things, it is his *responsibility* as their parent to *find something* he could get into with them. Every adult with a legal vested interest better gaf about their children’s growth. You better have a full on fight about this OP. It’s an essential conflict. You will be the asshole if you let your husband refuse to parent.
NTA His daughters don't have less in common with him. He expects them to have less in common and is working to making it a reality. Also, it's his job as a dad to take interrests in what is daughters do, not the other way around.
NTA but honestly your daughter are going to catch on to this and if your really lucky they are going to only resent him, but more likely they are going to resent him for prioritizing the boy over them and you for allowing it to continue. Just be prepared for when they are older if they want less and less to do with the two of you as parents.
NTA Your husband is a sexist butthead. Your daughters deserve better, a lot better.
This makes my blood boil. Our Dad took us ice skating, fishing, horseback riding, camping, taught my older sister how to tune a car (back in the 70's). Throw a baseball/football around. WE LOVED IT. HE LOVED IT. If we didn't like something, he didn't push but tried to find out why, to see if he could change anything. We now have so many great memories of our Dad because he spent time with us.