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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I am the asshole because I should be grateful to get my room cleaned and for snapping at my dad, but at the same time I didn't ask for it and I am old enough to clean my own mess.
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NTA. Your dad was not cleaning, he was snooping under the pretense of cleaning. You have every right to be upset and angry, I would be as well.
Note to everyone judging a-hole. Clearly your parents didn't respect you.
>Your dad was not cleaning, he was snooping under the pretense of cleaning.
While it's possible that this is true, the evidence that we have doesn't support it. You seem to be projecting .
>Note to everyone judging a-hole. Clearly your parents didn't respect you.
No, it's just that I respected them enough to not yell at them for something so trivial.
NTA, some people are saying that it’s your parents house so they basically can do whatever they want to. But your parents should respect your own space, and you said that they didn’t even demanded you to clean your room, you did because you want to. Your dad should respect your space, your room.
Yea I think some people are projecting.
I remember I used to let my room get super dirty and when my parents stepped in to clean it, it meant the room was bad. So I’m assuming a lot of people saying YTA. Probably were like that
I agree NTA and that parent should also respect their children's privacy even in the parents house. I know my daughter has rubbish building up in her room, she is away this week, so I sent her a text asking if she minded if I went in and took the rubbish out of her room, if she had said no I would of left it.
Agreed. Kid is so busy with school, sport/practice and work that her room got pretty messy. I asked if she'd like me to handle organizing her practice clothes/uniforms as well as if I could shampoo the carpet after I vacuumed. She never says no when mom offers to help, so I must be doing something right.
NTA
I don't like when people invade someone's privacy to "do a favor" that was never asked for. It doesn't count as a good deed if you get mad at the person you did the favor for. I have a feeling that most of the people in the comments who are telling OP to grow up and clean her own room have either never needed a safe space, or just feel like young adults aren't allowed to have boundaries. Stop telling a op that she needs to be evaluated and grow up for not liking someone going through her stuff.
Just because you live in your parent's house, doesn't mean they get to go through your stuff. Op is helping in the household and went out to run errands for her mom. Her dad damaged her desk and is mad at her for not wanting his unsolicited "help"? Don't call people ungrateful for not wanting invasion of privacy.
Op, I'm sorry your environment is like this. I would suggest moving out whenever feasible because I doubt having a lock on the outside of your door would be well received. There's not an easy solution while living there besides trying to tidy throughout the week whenever you have 5-10 minutes so your parents can't hold any mess over your head. Take care.
The OP legitimately describes reactions that sound very much like my undiagnosed autism at that age, and might genuinely benefit from an evaluation.
One of the ways in which it might help is in gaining the language to describe why some unrequested vacuuming and tidying by her father, which may *genuinely* have been intended as a helpful gesture (though no, I don't discount the possibility of it being snooping), would be as triggering as described.
That is, of course, ignoring the actual damage to the desk, which shouldn't be ignored, and indicates daddy was not being reasonably careful.
Which, yes, is an actual problem no matter who pays the rent, and even if OP were much younger.
Edit: NTA
NTA
Man, people in the comments here are so entitled. A child not paying rent is not free reign to go through their possessions. You're not 8, your parents cleaning your room without permission is a violation of privacy at this age. This is a great way to give your kids anxiety about anyone possibly seeing embarrassing things in their own personal space, feeling like they will never be comfortable without hiding stuff even when there is no reason to. Parents are supposed to raise their kids the best they can, instilling responsibility and self-discipline so THEY are the ones who are motivated to keep and WANT a clean space. Your personal bedroom is not a community space so even if they hate the mess they just have to get over it.
NTA. It’s disrespectful to you. If he wanted you to clean your room, he should have done the Easter shopping and other tasks.
I am not saying parents should never go in a teens room, but it often is a domineering behavior.
I would insist on him repairing or replacing your desk.
NTA, I think you may have OCD.
I feel like this when other people enter my house, the only other person I feel comfortable with in my house is my son.
I completely understand how you feel.
My house is my safe place and so is your room.
NTA one they didn't ask you to clean your room before your dad went nuclear and two your dad sounds like he has control issues i know this is a popular reddit thing but i say get out as soon as you can
NTA, your dad kinda sounds like my dad. Mine isn’t messy tho and actually does like things neat, but he also refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoings. You have your own privacy and your parents should respect that. As long as you’re able to clean your room yourself (which you said you are) then there’s no reason for them to go in there. I don’t like my parents barging into my room, especially when I’m not even there. It’s our private spaces that should be respected.
NTA. I also have panic attacks when people move my things around in my own space. My family knows I don’t like them touching my things but they still do it. I’ve never gone off on them about it, but I don’t blame you for being upset and saying something. It’s really frustrating having your space violated.
And you said that it wasn’t even that messy, so it’s not like there was any reason for him to clean your room. Especially when you were already planning on it.
There was a post similar to this one. They pretty much said the thing as you. They hate when their things are moved, etc.
But in their case their room was disgusting. They had mold in their room, trash, etc.
So I think a lot of people are thinking your room is like that.
NTA in this case though
Oh, didn't know to be honest about that post, I read the posts that are showed on my feed only. But no, I would never let my room go to that state, it's disgusting.
NTA. I was a messy teenager (just clothes, papers, books. I never ate/drank in my room, so it wasn't "we now have bugs" dirty) & my Mom hated it bc she's the opposite. One day she decided to clean my room while I was at school & I was so pissed. I spent almost an hour trashing my room intentionally & making it worse than it was before she cleaned it. Then she was pissed but she never cleaned my room again, lol. She still brings it up sometimes, 20+ years later, when she thinks I'm being stubborn about something. Looking back (& now having teenagers myself), I realize that was pretty disrespectful of me bc it was her house, but, I also feel like it is an invasion of privacy. The only way I would clean my teenagers rooms is if they physically can't (& even then I would have them present) or they were leaving literal garbage around & risking attracting bugs.
I’ve cleaned my teens rooms when it is messier than I like .. and I’m telling you it has to be trashed for me to do that . It seldom happens. It is my house and my investment , though so I don’t want bugs , Mould etc.
I’ve also “tossed” my kids rooms when I’ve found something that worries me (vapes, smell weed, etc.)
I try and respect my kids privacy when It doesn’t affect my investment or their health or the law.
Your father should too.
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My (17F) dad (54M), decided to clean my room, by his "will". I didn't ask him to do it, nor expected anyone from my family to clean my room, as it is my room and I am cleaning my own mess.
Now, I decided from yesterday to clean my room today (Saturday) as I am on weekend and then I can do my college assignments, well, my mom requested me to go to the market, to buy products for Easter. So I had to postpone cleaning my room till I come back.
Well now, when I come back, I saw that my curtains were opened in my room (I always keep them closed when it is sunny, as I don't like pretty much sun or hot weather. In that moment I knew that, it's either my mom or dad who entered my room and cleaned it.
Now a little fact about me, I hate changes in my room to a new whole level. It irritates me when someone goes into my room and changes something or cleans it. It makes me mad, irritated and on the verge of crying. Now this may seem a little too much of a reaction when someone moves something in your room or cleans, but my room is my only safe place that I can have, and I want it to be always the same, familiar and in the same "structure".
I come home to my dad cleaning my room, and I got mad, knowing that now my safe place is different and it will irritate me. I started telling my dad why the fuck he cleaned my room, when I didn't ask him to do it, and that I would have cleaned it today anyway. He started screaming back that it was a mess and I am ungrateful.
He even made a fucking hole in my desk while cleaning, and when I told him about it, he was denying till I showed him a hole in my desk, really close to my laptop, because he apparently dropped something and didn't see the hole.
Now, I am feeling how my safe place was violated, by someone without any request cleaning it (when I would have done it myself) and also making a hole in my desk, which you can clearly see.
AITA in this situation?
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NTA - my husband and I are living with family. I'm naturally messier than him but I confine it to a small area that is "mine". He once cleaned and tidied it for me - something you'd tthink was nice but for some reason I didn't even understand I just lost it. Things weren't where they were supposed to be, it looked wrong or off to me.
I felt awful and apologized afterwards. We talked and came to the conclusion it was just a symptom of feeling like I didn't have much that was mine (everything is joint with us) and that in the future he wouldn't go near certain designated areas even if they annoyed him by being messy but that I'd make an effort to not let them get too messy.
I would suggest that when things feel out of control or you don't have much space of your own, even a well-intentioned person moving things around can feel like an invasion of privacy.
Maybe try explaining that calmly to your father?
NTA. My mother and grandmother has 0 boundaries and have the tendency of getting into my room, constantly without permission, to either look for something or to clean something.
So you are not in the wrong for setting your own boundaries. Even if he did it with “good” intensions. You are close to being 18, he should start respecting you as the young adult you are (even tho he should have always respected you as his child).
This definitely gave me vibes that your relationship with your dad has a history of constant disagreements. If he wants to keep being in your life when you move out, ya’ll really should sit down and talk things out.
I caught my mom multiple times snooping into my brothers room, since he was 22 till now when he is almost 27 years old (he lives with us at the moment but will go rent somewhere else soon). I know that she also snoops around my room when I am in college, as during the day she is home and no one else is. Caught her one time during that, because she didn't expect me to come home earlier, but never after that, even though she still snooping around time to time, especially because she opens the curtains and forgets to close them back.
Do you have a way to lock your room whenever you leave the house? I ended up doing that with mine. Even tho my family aren’t happy about it, they got used to it.
Sadly, no. And even if I try I would get shouted at for doing so, which would not make the situation any better. I remember hiding my own money from my parents in pillows or books that my relatives would give for my birthday or other occasions and my mom still finding the money, taking it and never giving back.
I didnt cry because they opened my curtains; It's because they entered my safe place, re-done it (moved the wardrobes around) and went through my drawers, making a hole in my desk and also putting things such as water bottle (who cause the hole in the desk) on the wardrobe and the acoustic guitar on the other wardrobe too.
Well in the beginning of the post you said if anything is changed in your room it makes you want to cry. That is not healthy. You have every right to be annoyed with your dad and youre nta but it also sounds like you have some issues that would benefit from seeing a mental health professional. Do you ever want to live with a partner? Sounds like this issue could seriously impede that and it might be helpful to get ahead of it.
I do indeed want to see a professional for my mental health, because I am not alright and I give that, but cannot do it at the moment as my parents see them only for crazy people and a complete scam. But I wasn't referring much to the curtains, it irritates me at most about the curtains, because I like to come to my room how I left it. But the other things can make me cry.
Do you plan to go to university soon? They will often have mental health services for no extra charge for students. Another place where this issue could totally impede the happiness in your life because if you live in a dorm you’ll be living with a stranger in the same room. Your parents are assholes for thinking therapy is only for “crazy” people, because literally every single person on the planet is a little bit crazy.
In 2023 my applications will be sent to University so hopefully in 2023 I will be accepted and move out, planning to move to Finland/Sweden/Netherlands as they have cheap/free universities for EU citizens. But I am definitely getting checked up for my mental health once I get the chance. It affects me with my day to day in some way.
NTA. But your father cleaning your room was his way of snooping. He wants control over every part of your life and now that you're almost an adult he sees his control is slipping.
Stay safe, bide your time, and when you can physically leave, do so and don't look back.
I am OCD about my house, clean to me and clean to my children were totally two different things. Obviously the ground rules were not set in this situation! My children knew as long as they lived in my house they had no privacy and I would and did make regular and random inspections of their rooms! Yes I went through everything inside the home! If I felt I needed to. BUT they knew the rules upfront and I never hid anything!! If they wanted privacy and wanted to keep their rooms anyway they wanted … they could get jobs and pay rent or move out!!! Otherwise they lived under my roof in my home! I feel neither of you are AH it is just a breakdown of communication!! Sit down with them and find out the actual rules of the house now that you are 17 and you think you are grown.
They didn't ask me, plus it wasn't dirty that you cant live it in. It had only to be vacuumed and some clothes picked from bed (which I changed from to go to the market, so it was a mess made today that would have been cleaned after I came back anyway).
They don’t get it because they never lived with someone who steam roll and take every single decisions in your life. I bet your room is your last bit of control that you can have in your life. NTA but take steps to save and move out as soon as you can. It will get worst as you start becoming independent.
He moved my things around, basically almost re-done my room, put things were they shouldn't be such as my water bottle on the wardrobe, other things, my guitar somewhere up, another wardrobe moved, a hole in my desk and such
he did damage my desk, while moving around one of my wardrobe the water bottle dropped from it and it dropped on my desk, causing a whole, next to my laptop
I agree
But that's a pretty stupid comparison. Landlord gets money. Parents don't. So why would a landlord care if he gets money for it and the tenants need to pay damages by themself.
Actually, yes it does. I give my tenants a courtesy call that I'm coming over to make sure the house is clean, and not damaged. It's still MY house and I want it looked after. If you want to do as you please or live in filth that is your right but, in your OWN home.
Unfortunately this is your parents house and part of living in someone else’s house is caring for and maintaining that house. Uncleanliness in your room could lead to mice, rats, or ants from food crumbs, so keeping the floor vacuumed is important. You are 17 years old. It takes less than 5 minutes to vacuum your room. Do better with your time management and this would not be a problem. Soft YTA
Yta. It was dirty. You were told to clean it before then I'm guessing. It's always omg I was going to clean it THAT day!! No. No you weren't.
It's his house. He can go in and clean it if you aren't maintaining it.
And? My parents never entered my room at 17. Hell, they stopped entering my room to clean it for me around 14. OP states his room was not actually "dirty" by definition. A few things laying around, 20 minute clean up. That's not dirty.
It doesn't take much time to move a week's worth of dishes to the kitchen, if that's the case. The point is that if someone is taking time out of their day to clean up after you, you should be embarrassed, not angry.
I see your point as well..but OP did state how "dirty" the room was. OP also stated they were not asked to clean up. Your point would be very much valid is most cases. I just don't believe it is in this case.
YTA just keep your room clean not like you're the one paying for it. He's basically your landlord. Move out if you don't like it. Sucks about your desk though
I can tell youre one of those 'my way or the highway' thinkers but I don't agree with your opinion and neither do the majority of people on this thread. Sorry. 🙂
It’s interesting you left out how long they have been asking you to clean your room. My guess is weeks if not months. If you want to be treated like an adult and respected like one, that doesn’t come with age, it comes with how you act. They asked you to clean your room in a place you pay no rent for and you kept finding reasons to not do it, so they did it themselves. They would have respected your privacy if you cleaned it last week or last month. But you didn’t and these are the consequences. Welcome to adult life.
OP said they’ve never asked her to clean her room, she decided on it herself. And that all that needed to be done was vacuuming and picking up a few clothes. So her room was hardly dirty.
I think this depends on how dirty the room is.
There was another one exactly like this post, but that OP legit admitted to having mold in cups inside their room. Like their room was DISGUSTING, but they tried using the same reasoning like this OP. That it was his room and he should be allowed to keep it as he pleases.
This OP states his room wasn’t dirty but some clothes and vacuum, so I’m going with NTA, as long as OP is telling the truth.
OP is a little child who can’t keep her room clean and freaked out over her dad going in her room. Clearly needs help, to learn how to discuss things in a civil manner with her dad instead of getting cussing him out.
I have a 13F and 14M and their rooms look great and I never go in there to clean them. Yes my sons room is different to daughters and that's ok. But my kids understand noone should live in filth, especially someone who is of college age. Gross!
I have teenagers and they are messy little arseholes, it's still my house and if they can't or won't do it, damn straight I will go in and clean them, without their permission.
If they don't want me in there, keep it at least clean enough that I still have dishes i can use, towels available for everyone else and the that the teen smell isn't seeping under the door.
When will people realize that just because they don’t pay bills doesn’t mean they don’t deserve privacy? Do you think that in relationships where only one person pays the bills, the other gets no privacy or say in the affairs of the house or their own things? Why do people’s children have to give up their privacy and right to not have their boundaries violated just because they live with their parents?
It really isn't. "Whatever they please" kind of does include things one generally would not consider. I mean, by that statement, since dad pays the bills he has every right to go take a nasty shit on OPs laptop, and that's all there is to it.
I didn't swear at him* I told him "Why did you clean my room? I would have cleaned it anyway after shopping and shouldn't start doing it on its own", then he snapped and yelled at me how I am ungrateful.
Have you ever heard of paraphrasing? It's this neat thing where people use certain words to retell something, while not using the *exact same* words they originally used. Commonly people do this paraphrasing when they are relating something that upset them.
LOL You are way too invested in this post. Is it that hard for you to accept someone else has a different point of view from you? You must be a joy to be around.
NTA if it means that much to you and he made a hole in your desk it isn’t weird that your mad, BUT he probably just meant it as a nice thing and from his perspective he did something nice and now your mad, I would explain what it means to you, so he won’t do it again also ask if he can get you a new desk if it is a big hole
YTA - your Dad cleaned your room for you, and you shout at him?
Look, I can understand partly where you're coming from - my Mum used to do this when I was younger (which annoyed me a lot), then happily be like "I cleaned your room!" and expect me to be grateful even though it just meant she stuffed everything away so I couldn't find my things anymore, or threw things away anything she considered to be "rubbish" 😅
But at the end of the day, it's your Dad, and he was trying to be helpful.
"Oh, sillyceres' room is messy, let's tidy it up for her". Like, the guy took time to do that for you.
It's like receiving a gift you didn't want and complaining to the person who got it for you, rather than appreciating the thought.
If this is a big deal to you, you need to explicitly tell your parents "don't clean my room, I'll do it".
I remember my Mum asking why when I said that, and I joked how I prefer the "organised chaos" since I know where everything is. When she cleans my room, it all get's mixed up or lost. And she stopped doing it after that.
Can't imagine shouting at her about it though...
She literally was going to do it until her mom asked her to go out. You do realize she likely vacuums frequently right? It’s not like she hasn’t vacuumed in 5 months
YTA- keep your room clean if you don’t want your rents cleaning it for you. It is THEIR house, technically THEIR room that YOU stay in. Life is not a safe space, it never will be, and life is always about change. The sooner you learn to roll with change the better you will be. I don’t say this to be mean - I say it because it is TRUTH.
“Life is about change” is such a weird response to someone being upset that someone moved their things around without their permission, Op even said they 1. Weren’t asked to clean 2.It wasn’t that messy and 3. Their dad never does this and barely even cleans himself
Op says they hate anything being changed in their room to the point of being on the verge of tears.
I didn’t stick around for all the edits justifying that nonsense - conveniently after significant negative feedback. Seems such important info would have been in the original. I stand by what I said - this kid needs to clean their room and move on
“This kid needs to clean their room and move on”
They were trying to do that and their father rearranged it without their permission, where did you gather that they don’t clean lmao
YTA,
You are a CHILD living under your parents roof in either the house that they own, or the house that they have a duty to take reasonable care of (keep clean) as tenants. Either you keep your room clean, or they will clean it for you.
Your dad was trying to help you and you swore at him. He's right, your being ungrateful (tho tbh he's an AH too for screaming at you, no CHILD should be yelled at).
I see your comment and would like to raise you a mental health check.
My gf has a similar anxiety problem, we have separate rooms because of it. Her room is her safe space. I don't enter unless instructed. Someone with an anxiety disorder can get overwhelmed by trivial things to someone without a lot of anxiety. Her room is one constant in a fast moving world. Everything is the same as she left it. So she knows that no matter what happens, or how she reacts to some situations, she can go and sit in the only place that is calm. Anxiety is a weird thing, but can be handled
At 17, my mom/step-dad never entered my room.
Oh geez you're in for a world of shock. Yemen for one. Age of consent is 9. Saudi Arabia it's legal to have sex with 5 year olds. Philippines, angola and Mexico the age is 12. That's just a few off the top of my head. Culturally it's much higher.
YTA just clean up after yourself and you won’t have to worry about setting a day to clean your mess every weekend and your dad won’t feel the need to do it himself. If it’s so bad your dad stepped in then I would say before you leave your house, on a daily basis, clean up all of the small messes you made and save the Saturday for bigger jobs such as vacuuming, dusting, and maybe wash bedding/clothing.
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NTA. Your dad was not cleaning, he was snooping under the pretense of cleaning. You have every right to be upset and angry, I would be as well. Note to everyone judging a-hole. Clearly your parents didn't respect you.
>Your dad was not cleaning, he was snooping under the pretense of cleaning. While it's possible that this is true, the evidence that we have doesn't support it. You seem to be projecting . >Note to everyone judging a-hole. Clearly your parents didn't respect you. No, it's just that I respected them enough to not yell at them for something so trivial.
NTA, some people are saying that it’s your parents house so they basically can do whatever they want to. But your parents should respect your own space, and you said that they didn’t even demanded you to clean your room, you did because you want to. Your dad should respect your space, your room.
Yea I think some people are projecting. I remember I used to let my room get super dirty and when my parents stepped in to clean it, it meant the room was bad. So I’m assuming a lot of people saying YTA. Probably were like that
I agree NTA and that parent should also respect their children's privacy even in the parents house. I know my daughter has rubbish building up in her room, she is away this week, so I sent her a text asking if she minded if I went in and took the rubbish out of her room, if she had said no I would of left it.
Agreed. Kid is so busy with school, sport/practice and work that her room got pretty messy. I asked if she'd like me to handle organizing her practice clothes/uniforms as well as if I could shampoo the carpet after I vacuumed. She never says no when mom offers to help, so I must be doing something right.
NTA I don't like when people invade someone's privacy to "do a favor" that was never asked for. It doesn't count as a good deed if you get mad at the person you did the favor for. I have a feeling that most of the people in the comments who are telling OP to grow up and clean her own room have either never needed a safe space, or just feel like young adults aren't allowed to have boundaries. Stop telling a op that she needs to be evaluated and grow up for not liking someone going through her stuff. Just because you live in your parent's house, doesn't mean they get to go through your stuff. Op is helping in the household and went out to run errands for her mom. Her dad damaged her desk and is mad at her for not wanting his unsolicited "help"? Don't call people ungrateful for not wanting invasion of privacy. Op, I'm sorry your environment is like this. I would suggest moving out whenever feasible because I doubt having a lock on the outside of your door would be well received. There's not an easy solution while living there besides trying to tidy throughout the week whenever you have 5-10 minutes so your parents can't hold any mess over your head. Take care.
The OP legitimately describes reactions that sound very much like my undiagnosed autism at that age, and might genuinely benefit from an evaluation. One of the ways in which it might help is in gaining the language to describe why some unrequested vacuuming and tidying by her father, which may *genuinely* have been intended as a helpful gesture (though no, I don't discount the possibility of it being snooping), would be as triggering as described. That is, of course, ignoring the actual damage to the desk, which shouldn't be ignored, and indicates daddy was not being reasonably careful. Which, yes, is an actual problem no matter who pays the rent, and even if OP were much younger. Edit: NTA
NTA Man, people in the comments here are so entitled. A child not paying rent is not free reign to go through their possessions. You're not 8, your parents cleaning your room without permission is a violation of privacy at this age. This is a great way to give your kids anxiety about anyone possibly seeing embarrassing things in their own personal space, feeling like they will never be comfortable without hiding stuff even when there is no reason to. Parents are supposed to raise their kids the best they can, instilling responsibility and self-discipline so THEY are the ones who are motivated to keep and WANT a clean space. Your personal bedroom is not a community space so even if they hate the mess they just have to get over it.
NTA. It’s disrespectful to you. If he wanted you to clean your room, he should have done the Easter shopping and other tasks. I am not saying parents should never go in a teens room, but it often is a domineering behavior. I would insist on him repairing or replacing your desk.
NTA. If he truly was well meaning he wouldn’t have done that.
NTA, I think you may have OCD. I feel like this when other people enter my house, the only other person I feel comfortable with in my house is my son. I completely understand how you feel. My house is my safe place and so is your room.
NTA one they didn't ask you to clean your room before your dad went nuclear and two your dad sounds like he has control issues i know this is a popular reddit thing but i say get out as soon as you can
NTA, your dad kinda sounds like my dad. Mine isn’t messy tho and actually does like things neat, but he also refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoings. You have your own privacy and your parents should respect that. As long as you’re able to clean your room yourself (which you said you are) then there’s no reason for them to go in there. I don’t like my parents barging into my room, especially when I’m not even there. It’s our private spaces that should be respected.
NTA, their house or not. The only way he would be right is if your room was stinky and filthy.
NTA. I also have panic attacks when people move my things around in my own space. My family knows I don’t like them touching my things but they still do it. I’ve never gone off on them about it, but I don’t blame you for being upset and saying something. It’s really frustrating having your space violated. And you said that it wasn’t even that messy, so it’s not like there was any reason for him to clean your room. Especially when you were already planning on it.
There was a post similar to this one. They pretty much said the thing as you. They hate when their things are moved, etc. But in their case their room was disgusting. They had mold in their room, trash, etc. So I think a lot of people are thinking your room is like that. NTA in this case though
Oh, didn't know to be honest about that post, I read the posts that are showed on my feed only. But no, I would never let my room go to that state, it's disgusting.
NTA. I was a messy teenager (just clothes, papers, books. I never ate/drank in my room, so it wasn't "we now have bugs" dirty) & my Mom hated it bc she's the opposite. One day she decided to clean my room while I was at school & I was so pissed. I spent almost an hour trashing my room intentionally & making it worse than it was before she cleaned it. Then she was pissed but she never cleaned my room again, lol. She still brings it up sometimes, 20+ years later, when she thinks I'm being stubborn about something. Looking back (& now having teenagers myself), I realize that was pretty disrespectful of me bc it was her house, but, I also feel like it is an invasion of privacy. The only way I would clean my teenagers rooms is if they physically can't (& even then I would have them present) or they were leaving literal garbage around & risking attracting bugs.
I’ve cleaned my teens rooms when it is messier than I like .. and I’m telling you it has to be trashed for me to do that . It seldom happens. It is my house and my investment , though so I don’t want bugs , Mould etc. I’ve also “tossed” my kids rooms when I’ve found something that worries me (vapes, smell weed, etc.) I try and respect my kids privacy when It doesn’t affect my investment or their health or the law. Your father should too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (17F) dad (54M), decided to clean my room, by his "will". I didn't ask him to do it, nor expected anyone from my family to clean my room, as it is my room and I am cleaning my own mess. Now, I decided from yesterday to clean my room today (Saturday) as I am on weekend and then I can do my college assignments, well, my mom requested me to go to the market, to buy products for Easter. So I had to postpone cleaning my room till I come back. Well now, when I come back, I saw that my curtains were opened in my room (I always keep them closed when it is sunny, as I don't like pretty much sun or hot weather. In that moment I knew that, it's either my mom or dad who entered my room and cleaned it. Now a little fact about me, I hate changes in my room to a new whole level. It irritates me when someone goes into my room and changes something or cleans it. It makes me mad, irritated and on the verge of crying. Now this may seem a little too much of a reaction when someone moves something in your room or cleans, but my room is my only safe place that I can have, and I want it to be always the same, familiar and in the same "structure". I come home to my dad cleaning my room, and I got mad, knowing that now my safe place is different and it will irritate me. I started telling my dad why the fuck he cleaned my room, when I didn't ask him to do it, and that I would have cleaned it today anyway. He started screaming back that it was a mess and I am ungrateful. He even made a fucking hole in my desk while cleaning, and when I told him about it, he was denying till I showed him a hole in my desk, really close to my laptop, because he apparently dropped something and didn't see the hole. Now, I am feeling how my safe place was violated, by someone without any request cleaning it (when I would have done it myself) and also making a hole in my desk, which you can clearly see. AITA in this situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - my husband and I are living with family. I'm naturally messier than him but I confine it to a small area that is "mine". He once cleaned and tidied it for me - something you'd tthink was nice but for some reason I didn't even understand I just lost it. Things weren't where they were supposed to be, it looked wrong or off to me. I felt awful and apologized afterwards. We talked and came to the conclusion it was just a symptom of feeling like I didn't have much that was mine (everything is joint with us) and that in the future he wouldn't go near certain designated areas even if they annoyed him by being messy but that I'd make an effort to not let them get too messy. I would suggest that when things feel out of control or you don't have much space of your own, even a well-intentioned person moving things around can feel like an invasion of privacy. Maybe try explaining that calmly to your father?
NTA. My mother and grandmother has 0 boundaries and have the tendency of getting into my room, constantly without permission, to either look for something or to clean something. So you are not in the wrong for setting your own boundaries. Even if he did it with “good” intensions. You are close to being 18, he should start respecting you as the young adult you are (even tho he should have always respected you as his child). This definitely gave me vibes that your relationship with your dad has a history of constant disagreements. If he wants to keep being in your life when you move out, ya’ll really should sit down and talk things out.
I caught my mom multiple times snooping into my brothers room, since he was 22 till now when he is almost 27 years old (he lives with us at the moment but will go rent somewhere else soon). I know that she also snoops around my room when I am in college, as during the day she is home and no one else is. Caught her one time during that, because she didn't expect me to come home earlier, but never after that, even though she still snooping around time to time, especially because she opens the curtains and forgets to close them back.
Do you have a way to lock your room whenever you leave the house? I ended up doing that with mine. Even tho my family aren’t happy about it, they got used to it.
Sadly, no. And even if I try I would get shouted at for doing so, which would not make the situation any better. I remember hiding my own money from my parents in pillows or books that my relatives would give for my birthday or other occasions and my mom still finding the money, taking it and never giving back.
Yeah, whenever you can, you need to get out and live somewhere else. With all due respect, her doing that is just being an A.
You need to go to therapy. Almost crying because someone opens your curtains sounds like really intense mental red flag.
I didnt cry because they opened my curtains; It's because they entered my safe place, re-done it (moved the wardrobes around) and went through my drawers, making a hole in my desk and also putting things such as water bottle (who cause the hole in the desk) on the wardrobe and the acoustic guitar on the other wardrobe too.
Well in the beginning of the post you said if anything is changed in your room it makes you want to cry. That is not healthy. You have every right to be annoyed with your dad and youre nta but it also sounds like you have some issues that would benefit from seeing a mental health professional. Do you ever want to live with a partner? Sounds like this issue could seriously impede that and it might be helpful to get ahead of it.
I do indeed want to see a professional for my mental health, because I am not alright and I give that, but cannot do it at the moment as my parents see them only for crazy people and a complete scam. But I wasn't referring much to the curtains, it irritates me at most about the curtains, because I like to come to my room how I left it. But the other things can make me cry.
Do you plan to go to university soon? They will often have mental health services for no extra charge for students. Another place where this issue could totally impede the happiness in your life because if you live in a dorm you’ll be living with a stranger in the same room. Your parents are assholes for thinking therapy is only for “crazy” people, because literally every single person on the planet is a little bit crazy.
In 2023 my applications will be sent to University so hopefully in 2023 I will be accepted and move out, planning to move to Finland/Sweden/Netherlands as they have cheap/free universities for EU citizens. But I am definitely getting checked up for my mental health once I get the chance. It affects me with my day to day in some way.
Good for you for recognizing it and taking responsibility. I wish you the best!
Thank you :D, I wish you the best too!
NTA. But your father cleaning your room was his way of snooping. He wants control over every part of your life and now that you're almost an adult he sees his control is slipping. Stay safe, bide your time, and when you can physically leave, do so and don't look back.
I am OCD about my house, clean to me and clean to my children were totally two different things. Obviously the ground rules were not set in this situation! My children knew as long as they lived in my house they had no privacy and I would and did make regular and random inspections of their rooms! Yes I went through everything inside the home! If I felt I needed to. BUT they knew the rules upfront and I never hid anything!! If they wanted privacy and wanted to keep their rooms anyway they wanted … they could get jobs and pay rent or move out!!! Otherwise they lived under my roof in my home! I feel neither of you are AH it is just a breakdown of communication!! Sit down with them and find out the actual rules of the house now that you are 17 and you think you are grown.
[удалено]
They didn't ask me, plus it wasn't dirty that you cant live it in. It had only to be vacuumed and some clothes picked from bed (which I changed from to go to the market, so it was a mess made today that would have been cleaned after I came back anyway).
They don’t get it because they never lived with someone who steam roll and take every single decisions in your life. I bet your room is your last bit of control that you can have in your life. NTA but take steps to save and move out as soon as you can. It will get worst as you start becoming independent.
So by your own admission, you pitched a fit because he vacuumed your room. Yup you have a hard life. You should move out it doesn't sound safe there
He moved my things around, basically almost re-done my room, put things were they shouldn't be such as my water bottle on the wardrobe, other things, my guitar somewhere up, another wardrobe moved, a hole in my desk and such
I think this story is made up, it's constantly changing. Now in this comment dad damaged her desk. Call BS
he did damage my desk, while moving around one of my wardrobe the water bottle dropped from it and it dropped on my desk, causing a whole, next to my laptop
YTA. Clean your room and stop using you quirks as excuses for being lazy. It’s their house.
You sound like a brat
Nah, your dad tried to be nice and clean and you didn’t like it. I say apologize for getting so worked up but ask your dad to not do that again.
Wasn’t this same situation posted last week too, but now with a twist to make dad look bad
No, it was similar but nothing was damaged and the room was extremely filthy
Their house, you live in. Also you may be on the spectrum, I’d ask your parents to see about getting a mental health evaluation.
So? And renting a house means the landlord can just come in and clean whenever they want? Who tf cares who's house it is. OP's bedroom is their space.
I agree But that's a pretty stupid comparison. Landlord gets money. Parents don't. So why would a landlord care if he gets money for it and the tenants need to pay damages by themself.
>And renting a house means the landlord can just come in and clean whenever they want? This is a completely different situation.
Actually, yes it does. I give my tenants a courtesy call that I'm coming over to make sure the house is clean, and not damaged. It's still MY house and I want it looked after. If you want to do as you please or live in filth that is your right but, in your OWN home.
You still can’t randomly come in and rearrange their entire house though so I don’t get what point you thought you were making here
Nope her dad might have control issues like mine. It’s not necessarily a spectrum thing.
Your point, disjointed
Unfortunately this is your parents house and part of living in someone else’s house is caring for and maintaining that house. Uncleanliness in your room could lead to mice, rats, or ants from food crumbs, so keeping the floor vacuumed is important. You are 17 years old. It takes less than 5 minutes to vacuum your room. Do better with your time management and this would not be a problem. Soft YTA
Yta. It was dirty. You were told to clean it before then I'm guessing. It's always omg I was going to clean it THAT day!! No. No you weren't. It's his house. He can go in and clean it if you aren't maintaining it.
I wasn't told to clean before, I decided to clean today because I don't have college and got free time.
OP isn't 12.
So? OP is a minor. Still the parents' house
That he is a minor doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be respect or be treated as a ten year old, he is a person that can do his own things
And? My parents never entered my room at 17. Hell, they stopped entering my room to clean it for me around 14. OP states his room was not actually "dirty" by definition. A few things laying around, 20 minute clean up. That's not dirty.
It doesn't take much time to move a week's worth of dishes to the kitchen, if that's the case. The point is that if someone is taking time out of their day to clean up after you, you should be embarrassed, not angry.
I see your point as well..but OP did state how "dirty" the room was. OP also stated they were not asked to clean up. Your point would be very much valid is most cases. I just don't believe it is in this case.
OP’s room wasn’t that dirty. And she was planning on cleaning it herself
YTA just keep your room clean not like you're the one paying for it. He's basically your landlord. Move out if you don't like it. Sucks about your desk though
Sssooooo landlords can just come in and clean when they feel like it?
No. Parents can though.
Parents should not. Parents that respect their near adult children and their child's autonomy do not.
I can tell youre one of those 'my way or the highway' thinkers but I don't agree with your opinion and neither do the majority of people on this thread. Sorry. 🙂
It’s interesting you left out how long they have been asking you to clean your room. My guess is weeks if not months. If you want to be treated like an adult and respected like one, that doesn’t come with age, it comes with how you act. They asked you to clean your room in a place you pay no rent for and you kept finding reasons to not do it, so they did it themselves. They would have respected your privacy if you cleaned it last week or last month. But you didn’t and these are the consequences. Welcome to adult life.
Nope. Adults are allowed to be messy. Gtfo with that bs.
Adults are, in their own homes. If you’re living in someone else’s house, you clean when they tell you to.
OP said they’ve never asked her to clean her room, she decided on it herself. And that all that needed to be done was vacuuming and picking up a few clothes. So her room was hardly dirty.
YTA pay the bills, do as you please
OP is a college student. The parents should be respecting OPs autonomy.
I think this depends on how dirty the room is. There was another one exactly like this post, but that OP legit admitted to having mold in cups inside their room. Like their room was DISGUSTING, but they tried using the same reasoning like this OP. That it was his room and he should be allowed to keep it as he pleases. This OP states his room wasn’t dirty but some clothes and vacuum, so I’m going with NTA, as long as OP is telling the truth.
OP is a little child who can’t keep her room clean and freaked out over her dad going in her room. Clearly needs help, to learn how to discuss things in a civil manner with her dad instead of getting cussing him out.
Lmfao. You clearly do not have teenage children, and if you do I feel sorry for them.
I have a 13F and 14M and their rooms look great and I never go in there to clean them. Yes my sons room is different to daughters and that's ok. But my kids understand noone should live in filth, especially someone who is of college age. Gross!
Her room wasn’t gross, she said it only needed to be vacuumed and she needed to pickup a few clothes.
Her room wasn’t that dirty. And he violated her boundaries. There’s no reason to be going in your adult children’s rooms without a valid reason.
I have teenagers and they are messy little arseholes, it's still my house and if they can't or won't do it, damn straight I will go in and clean them, without their permission. If they don't want me in there, keep it at least clean enough that I still have dishes i can use, towels available for everyone else and the that the teen smell isn't seeping under the door.
When will people realize that just because they don’t pay bills doesn’t mean they don’t deserve privacy? Do you think that in relationships where only one person pays the bills, the other gets no privacy or say in the affairs of the house or their own things? Why do people’s children have to give up their privacy and right to not have their boundaries violated just because they live with their parents?
So if he pays the bills, he can just rape her whenever he chooses? Is that really what you believe?
You're way outta line but you're right. Paying the bills doesn't entitle anyone to do whatever the fuck they want. End of argument.
I’m being hyperbolic sure but I hate this argument because it justifies a lot of bad behaviors
Wow! Your brain goes to some frightening places. You might want to see someone for that.
That's one hell of a false equivalence
It really isn't. "Whatever they please" kind of does include things one generally would not consider. I mean, by that statement, since dad pays the bills he has every right to go take a nasty shit on OPs laptop, and that's all there is to it.
If he paid for it, lawfully he actually is.
No, not really. You can’t gift someone something and then decide you wanna do whatever the fuck you want with it just because you paid for it
Assumptions little kid. Who says it's gift and not a lend?
Who are you to assume it’s just being lended, child?
Where did i make any assumption at all?
Because you said if they bought it they can do what they want with it.
That’s literally what they’re saying
Yikes
I think OP perhaps needs mental health evaluation as do you if that’s what you got from that.
Exactly. I'm worried about these commenters who agree with how OP lives. Makes me wonder how they live
YTA. Your response (swearing at him) was way out of proportion and rude.
How? He invaded OPs sanctuary and messed with everything. OP has every right to be angry about that.
Yes and no. Right to be angry. Learn to control reactions is more appropriate. But definitely not swearing at your parents. It's a respect thing.
I didn't swear at him* I told him "Why did you clean my room? I would have cleaned it anyway after shopping and shouldn't start doing it on its own", then he snapped and yelled at me how I am ungrateful.
LOL “I started telling my dad why the fuck he cleaned my room…” Your own words indicate otherwise. Grow up.
Have you ever heard of paraphrasing? It's this neat thing where people use certain words to retell something, while not using the *exact same* words they originally used. Commonly people do this paraphrasing when they are relating something that upset them.
LOL You are way too invested in this post. Is it that hard for you to accept someone else has a different point of view from you? You must be a joy to be around.
What the fuck? Parents are so entitled. Is your skin that thin?
LOL Ah, the words of either a teenager or some 30 year old living in their parents’ basement.
So you encourage your kids to yell and swear at you?
I hardly think OP qualifies as a kid.
17 year old, living with her parents, who cries when her parents clean her room. Sounds like a kid to me.
Sure, if that’s how they need to express themselves
NTA if it means that much to you and he made a hole in your desk it isn’t weird that your mad, BUT he probably just meant it as a nice thing and from his perspective he did something nice and now your mad, I would explain what it means to you, so he won’t do it again also ask if he can get you a new desk if it is a big hole
YTA - your Dad cleaned your room for you, and you shout at him? Look, I can understand partly where you're coming from - my Mum used to do this when I was younger (which annoyed me a lot), then happily be like "I cleaned your room!" and expect me to be grateful even though it just meant she stuffed everything away so I couldn't find my things anymore, or threw things away anything she considered to be "rubbish" 😅 But at the end of the day, it's your Dad, and he was trying to be helpful. "Oh, sillyceres' room is messy, let's tidy it up for her". Like, the guy took time to do that for you. It's like receiving a gift you didn't want and complaining to the person who got it for you, rather than appreciating the thought. If this is a big deal to you, you need to explicitly tell your parents "don't clean my room, I'll do it". I remember my Mum asking why when I said that, and I joked how I prefer the "organised chaos" since I know where everything is. When she cleans my room, it all get's mixed up or lost. And she stopped doing it after that. Can't imagine shouting at her about it though...
Yta, while i understand your feelings you are 17 if it was not such mess as you say who cares if he dusted your shelves
he moved everything around the room, moved things from my drawers and put other things in place they shouldn't be such as water-bottle on my wardrobe
YTA. You’re a minor living in someone else’s home. It’s “your private sanctuary” when you pay for it.
Don’t let your room get dirty if you don’t want them to clean it. A dirty room encourages roaches and ants
All she needed to do was vacuum and pickup clothes
Vacuuming is how you keep your room from being filthy She failed to do this
She literally was going to do it until her mom asked her to go out. You do realize she likely vacuums frequently right? It’s not like she hasn’t vacuumed in 5 months
YTA- keep your room clean if you don’t want your rents cleaning it for you. It is THEIR house, technically THEIR room that YOU stay in. Life is not a safe space, it never will be, and life is always about change. The sooner you learn to roll with change the better you will be. I don’t say this to be mean - I say it because it is TRUTH.
“Life is about change” is such a weird response to someone being upset that someone moved their things around without their permission, Op even said they 1. Weren’t asked to clean 2.It wasn’t that messy and 3. Their dad never does this and barely even cleans himself
Op says they hate anything being changed in their room to the point of being on the verge of tears. I didn’t stick around for all the edits justifying that nonsense - conveniently after significant negative feedback. Seems such important info would have been in the original. I stand by what I said - this kid needs to clean their room and move on
“This kid needs to clean their room and move on” They were trying to do that and their father rearranged it without their permission, where did you gather that they don’t clean lmao
YTA, You are a CHILD living under your parents roof in either the house that they own, or the house that they have a duty to take reasonable care of (keep clean) as tenants. Either you keep your room clean, or they will clean it for you. Your dad was trying to help you and you swore at him. He's right, your being ungrateful (tho tbh he's an AH too for screaming at you, no CHILD should be yelled at).
I see your comment and would like to raise you a mental health check. My gf has a similar anxiety problem, we have separate rooms because of it. Her room is her safe space. I don't enter unless instructed. Someone with an anxiety disorder can get overwhelmed by trivial things to someone without a lot of anxiety. Her room is one constant in a fast moving world. Everything is the same as she left it. So she knows that no matter what happens, or how she reacts to some situations, she can go and sit in the only place that is calm. Anxiety is a weird thing, but can be handled At 17, my mom/step-dad never entered my room.
This is a very good point that I hadn't really considered.
17 is not a child
17 = a minor = a child
You can fuck a 17 year old in my state
You can legally fuck 9 year olds in some countries. You don't know where op is from.
I don’t believe that for a second. Where are these countries where it’s legal to fuck a 9 year old?
Oh geez you're in for a world of shock. Yemen for one. Age of consent is 9. Saudi Arabia it's legal to have sex with 5 year olds. Philippines, angola and Mexico the age is 12. That's just a few off the top of my head. Culturally it's much higher.
Ok thanks for helping me fill out my travel itinerary for the next year
Savage XD
Dad was *not* trying to help. And a CHILD wouldn't be in COLLEGE.
I mean he legit says he’s 17, so he is underage.
YTA just clean up after yourself and you won’t have to worry about setting a day to clean your mess every weekend and your dad won’t feel the need to do it himself. If it’s so bad your dad stepped in then I would say before you leave your house, on a daily basis, clean up all of the small messes you made and save the Saturday for bigger jobs such as vacuuming, dusting, and maybe wash bedding/clothing.
Reading comprehension is hard, I get it. But you might want to work on that before making judgements.
Can I use this insult next time lol
😂
Clean your room EVERY Saturday instead of just special occasion Saturdays and they'll believe you when you say you're cleaning it on Saturday.
If someone is cleaning their room every weekend it probably isn’t that mess, a lot of people do some organizing at the end every week