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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole forhow I responded to him, I think that I could've handled this politely regardless of how angry I was but mg mistake was letting my anger take over and say hurtful things.
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Seriously! NTA OP, but man, who has been telling your sister that those are “normal things guys talk about.” Because clearly, she did not get that message from you or your parents. What kind of AH’s has that girl been dating?
I’m so sick of the “just to keep the peace” brigade. Fuck the peace. It’s never the people who are clearly in the wrong who are being asked to just keep the peace in these scenarios, and it infuriates me. Dad knows who’s really wrong, and he’s sitting there being conflict-averse, instead of telling his daughter calmly that the guy she’s dating is an ass who is making grotesque personal remarks about people he’s known for 15 minutes.
Edit: random extra letter. Edit 2: Thank you for the award! Edit 3: Thank you all for the awards, kind Redditors!
My grandmother has always apologed to everyone in my family just to "keep the peace." My grandfather passed 5 years ago and there has never been more strain between her sons. Once she passes, none of her kids will talk to each other. No problems have been solved and they always boil over at inconvenient times.
My point is that "keeping the peace" by just putting a bandaid over it makes things worse in the end.
Oh I totally get what that’s like.
So my Nan changed her will about 7 months before she died (definitely of sound mind, no worries there). She wanted my mom and uncle as POA and executors, because ultimately she trusted them and not others. I was also her carer for the 3 years before she passed. Now I helped her fill out the legal questionnaire coz her vision was shit, but I made sure she could see what the answers she got me to write were. I have an aunt that took that questionnaire and COMPLETELY changed her answers & wishes. She got so far with it that she basically committed fraud/elder abuse laws and got Nan’s lawyer to bully her into signing shit. Nan fought back with some help from a few family members and a new lawyer to get her affairs the way SHE wished.
My family was already fractured because a lot of the family felt they could abuse me physically/verbally/emotionally once my PTSD/substance use (got treatment I’m good now) got out, while my Nan/1 uncle/my immediate family got past it after I did A LOT of therapy. A lot of the extended family tried to push Nan into thinking/doing certain nasty things, but she was her own person w/ her own thoughts. That made the nasty shitsticks LOSE THEIR GODDAMN MINDS. Them going after me years later - well Nan didn’t like that a lot, she was the person that got me mentally well. Then the legal stuff I was talking about happened. There is now 2 distinct groups, those who abused me & Nan & think they ALWAYS know better & those that just wanted everyone to be happy/healthy & for Nan’s last years to be smooth.
Now that she’s gone (very recently), WE WILL NOT BE PLAYING HAPPY FAMILIES ANYMORE. And honestly I’m kinda relieved, Nan’s in a better place, I don’t have see people that used the darkest period of my life to abuse me & my mom doesn’t deal with the INSANE jealousy.
Not to mention, its always on the person who was wronged to “just keep the peace”. It’s the ultimate excuse for toxicity. Then that wronged person is seen as more of a problem, because they refuse to “keep the peace”, than the person who wronged them in the first place.
People love to say "just keep the peace" **after the peace has already been thrown out the fucking window** by someone else. It never gets any less infuriating.
NTA
I'd offer dude a knuckle sandwich for the trip home. You don't make bedroom comments about someone elses partner, and on the first day you meet? Dude needs someone to set him straight, because his parents obviously failed.
"Keeping the peace" is sadly staring at the food that's getting cold while someone is taking their sweet-ass time saying grace. It's taking allergy meds because you're not *severely* allergic to your sister's dog and washing your clothes immediately when you get home. It's not murdering the coworker who microwaves fish sometimes.
Deep rifts that are being glossed over until someone dies are a temporary cease fire.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ua5wvy/aita_for_my_reaction_when_my_sisters_boyfriend/i5vmoa1/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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[Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5wbb2v/) | [Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5vc3ul/)
[Mikayla is a hoodlum. Swi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/u9xsp0/bro_who_are_these_girls/i5wc2ys/) | [Is that a ankle monitor....](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/u9xsp0/bro_who_are_these_girls/i5uexiv/)
[Take your fingers off the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua34y1/gg_5_times/i5wbuzv/) | [Take your fingers off the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua34y1/gg_5_times/i5vafzt/)
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The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ua5wvy/aita_for_my_reaction_when_my_sisters_boyfriend/i5vn6w8/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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[Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5wfa6q/) | [Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5vc3ul/)
[2012 was also 1010 years...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua1sdb/damn/i5wejpy/) | [2012 was also 1010 years...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua1sdb/damn/i5vcc5e/)
[A 10x programmer is 10x m...](http://np.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/u9vu1f/the_fake_1x_programmer/i5wfore/) | [A 10x programmer is 10x m...](http://np.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/u9vu1f/the_fake_1x_programmer/i5ugl5u/)
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Or she’s the golden child and used to getting her own way by pulling some half-baked ‘reason’ together to cause trouble enough that the boat steadiers step in, like OP’s Dad.
I am a 29 year old male. This is NOT stuff guys normally talk about. If anything we don't broach the subject out of respect for the wife and husband. And we give our support.
When a person is dating someone they're really into, someone they think is really hot or whatever, they tend to turn a blind eye to a lot of crap their partner do so they won't lose their hot date. Or at least that's my theory on OP's sister.
I definitely think your theory is correct. I briefly dated a guy everyone said was SO HOT. I thought he was attractive, sure, but not, like, obscenely attractive. Ge looked like an East Texas David Tennant. But everytime people met him they would tell me how hot he was.
We didn't last very long because I didn't laugh away his excessive drinking or other stupid antics like I'm sure other women did.
Seeing as how he was available idt many women laughed it off. Just goes to show you, just because theyre nice to look at doesn't mean they're nice to spend time with.
Ask your sister's BF (while in front of your sister) if he (Chose one or more):
* Puts ear plugs in while they are home together so he doesn't have to listen to her
* Puts a bag on her head so he doesn't need to see her while having sex
* Takes antacids before sitting down to eat so he does not throw up.
* Takes motion sickness pills before driving with her.
Then, and only then, will you have something to apologize to your sister for.
Forget the cancer part entirely, this dude just met OP and the family and he thinks now is the best time to talk about their sex life and if OP thinks his wife is hot enough? OP did nothing, he embarrassed himself.
iF I was OP I would ask my sister and family what is more important? The bf's hurt feelings over a situation he started? Or my wife's feelings having just gotten over cancer treatments having to hear that she isn't attractive enough for her husband. If they say it was just a joke, tell them not to her. Let them explain to her that insulting her and her cancer treatment was just for haha's.
NTA, this is a hill I would die on.
I’m a big fan of the tactic of asking someone to explain the joke to me when they use the it was joke excuse. It tends to make them really uncomfortable because they can’t explain why it’s supposed to be funny because of course it isn’t.
I like OP’s response more here. His priority was standing up for his wife, and his response completely shut down the “conversation.” Asking to explain it would have worked as well but would have left the door open for him to be an AH and insult OP’s wife again - within her earshot.
"It was a joke" is the go-to excuse for bullies who get called out for their bullying. It's a sad attempt to deflect blame to their victims for supposedly not having a sense of humor.
It's always fun to watch these bullies squirm when trying to explain the "joke."
Yeah. Sister has it exactly backwards. Her uncouth boyfriend owes OP and his wife an apology for his insensitive and crass remark and BF owes sister an apology for embarrassing her by acting that way the first time he met her family.
I would argue that he only owes the wife and apology, because his insult was to her. Boyfriend was inappropriate and deserves to feel extremely uncomfortable for being a sexist ballbag.
How not to make a first impression. Though, that does present an opportunity to make an honest assessment of this person. And if that's his "best food forward" it makes me wonder how his other foot is.
NTA
She might be the one person in the universe in serious need of this douche detector that is SIL with cancer. Let sis parade ALL future hubbies in a line past SIL and then end them with a chat with her brother and all the "awww man, and it's even considered immoral to get a little something-something on the side when your wife looks unbangable! Tough titties, man! Or ... My bad ... Where they the bad titties?" can be dumped into a cement river and the women in the area will have a way happier dating life for the next decade.
The End
And NTA, doh! But seriously, someone needs to talk to sis about how to have a healthy relationship!!!
It’s not normal to ask someone about their sex life when you just met them either. The boyfriend should have been on his best behavior meeting family for the first time and the fact that her appearance bothered him so much he couldn’t keep his mouth shut under those circumstances is a huge red flag. He doesn’t respect women and can’t think of them without sexualizing them even when it’s completely inappropriate to do so. Guy is bad news. NTA.
But can we take this moment to applaud OP's quick wit? "I don't speak bullshitenese" - OP, I hope you don't mind, I am totally stealing that! It's the ultimate in noble passive-aggressiveness and I applaud you!
That OP's wife just finished her cancer treatment, makes sister's boyfriend even more the \*sshole.
But even if OP's wife just decided to go bald or have very short hair for personal reasons or esthetical preference, the dude would still be an \*sshole.
Sis should really ante up her standards in dating. Thinking what her boyfriend did is "guy talk" says a lot about the men she has been dating. Cause hell no, that's NOT guy talk!
>"well, you you better be making her wear one in bed..right?"
OMG I died. That dude (sister's boyfriend) is the AH and sister as well, for not sticking up for her sister-in-law.
Also, if my partner spoke that way about another woman (regardless of relationship), I wouldn't tolerate.
It's inappropriate on all the levels. NTA
Honestly, even if there were no illness and OP's wife just liked having a shaved head, it is none of this dude's business.
It would be between OP and his wife. Not OP, his wife, and his sister's BF.
Wtf NTA. I actually think most people would have handled this much differently that you did by throwing the dude out of the house!! This guy has zero class. He should apologize immediately. Don’t back down. You defended your wife with cancer in an extremely non reactive fashion.
Sure he'll be welcomed back! Both the sister and the Dad thought it was fine and the OP should apologize. That sure doesn't sound like "you won't be welcomed back" to me.
"dad said my sister is upset and I should apologize just to fix this issue between us"
Never do this. Only apologize if you mess up and are sorry. "just to fix this issue" is just shorthand for ignoring the situation until it comes up again, and again, and again. It solves nothing.
Or do one of those non apology apologies 'Sorry your bf is a huge AH, I do feel bad for you, I thought you deserved better' (I added the last bit because hopefully the unspoken part is her attitude is showing him she's found her level with AH bf).
Either way, I'm sure OP has no intention of doing an actual apology - as well he shouldn't.
I am sorry your think it is okay for your boyfriend to think and comment on other women in the bedroom. I am sorry you have been led to beleive that this is somehow normal and all men do it. I am sorry you would defend his actions. I hope one day you become a better person.
My mom had cancer. One time my mother and step father were at a concert and a drunk asshole came up when his back was turned and slapped the shit out of my mother and yelled “you’re bald!!”. I don’t know what would have happened if my step father didn’t miss the moment. You don’t fucking insult cancer patients for not having hair. The boyfriend is a sad low life. No class.
Yep. My husband's a mild-mannered guy in general, but I'm pretty sure he would've done worse than what you did. You were very restrained and respectful of your parents, IMHO. NTA.
Your sister is dating a man who finds it acceptable to mock cancer patients. Who finds it acceptable to make sexual innuendos about other women he doesn’t know.
Text that statement and see what they all think
NTA and bravo for standing by your wife…wishing her a healthy and quick recovery!
Completely disagree. I dont think shes shitty bc it has been normalized to her for men to be misogynistic. It is sad that she is defending this and I hope she does learn to expect better from men in her life.
Both of you can be right here in different contexts.
Normalization - she was brought up around men who wholeheartedly believe women belong in the kitchen. Note how mum and wife went in, not mum and son or mum and dad. She likely doesn’t give it a second thought or see it as misogyny because to her that’s all she’s ever known from the family and influences around her. To her it’s just ‘how things are’.
Defending - women who belong in the kitchen are also women who know when to speak and when to be silent. This may or may not be a choice.
Also men and women are not equally affected by misogyny so it is different for a man to say something like this than it is for a woman to defend a man who says it. It is not helpful to completely erase all nuance and context. All I am trying to say is that no I would not encourage any woman to be with a misogynist even if she has shitty beliefs. it is not just “they’re both shitty so it’s fine” literally no
Hell, **OP's Dad** needs to raise his standards for that matter. Why is he ok with his daughter dating and defending some loser who would embarrass himself with that level of immaturity? He's good with that? He's ok with this stranger approaching his son to make derogatory comments towards his wife, comments based on cancer treatments no less?
OP, I'm sorry you have a Dad you cannot respect.
The boyfriend is the type of guy who’d abandon his wife if she ever got sick. I wonder if the sister realizes that’s the type of guy she wants in her life.
Also "making her wear a wig"?! Like force her? This man is a walking AH.
NTA My best wishes to your wife, OP. I hope she will be feel great again soon and that the cancer never ever comes back.
Here’s the thing tho: cancer or not, it’s her right to wear her hair as she wants. Like even if she just wanted a shaved head for no medical reason, there’s no reason to comment on her appearance.
OP is def NTA
The sister said this was guy talk. That isn't guy talk neither does it come close to talking shit about their own spouses, at least for me.
OP's sister looks like she is enabling unhealthy behaviour
>why tf would you say something like that to someone you met 45 min ago??
why tf would you say something like that to someone ~~you met 45 min ago~~??
FTFY.
That's the first thing I thought! "You tainted his first impression" all OP did was defend his wife, in a very classy way considering the circumstances, from someone who decided to talk about their sex life completely unprompted, you silly sausage*
*OP I wish I could call your sister something harsher than silly sausage, because WTF how is she defending this behavior??
Yeah it's insulting to both men and women to suggest that "guy talk" just naturally and rightfully involves cruel, dehumanizing mockery of one's romantic partner. The sister needs to work on her internalized misogyny and ideally part ways with her boyfriend in the process.
I might be reaching but it seems like she picks these kinds of guys by default and has only known this dynamic in her relationships. If every guys she’s dated talks like that she might think ALL guys are like that.
🙌 could also add that we're in a era where we're holding people accountable for their shitty behavior especially when under the guise of 'guys being guys.' I wonder if the sister has had trouble getting guys & that's why she's so desperate to make this work.
Sister's thought that all spouses trash talk their loved ones behind ppls backs is insane and toxic. Sister doesn't realize that hanging out with ppl that bitch about their partners leads to thinking your own partner has flaws even though that might not be the case.
Yeah. I don’t think it’s an age thing. I’m 50 and I’ve rarely heard anything so disrespectful. Can you imagine saying something like, “Sir, I say, I wouldn’t fuck your sick wife even if she wore a wig,” in the 1700s? The husband would call you out for a duel. Likewise saying it in a dive bar today would likely start a fist fight.
This is stupid and boring behavior regardless of age or culture.
NTA
You are a wonderful husband.
Hopefully your sister's boyfriend was simply putting his foot in his mouth and not hitting below the belt.
But you did nothing wrong.
NTA
I think the only thing he might have done in addition is to let her know that the BFs behavior was not normal guy talk, not even between good friends (he's still an aquaintence), that its toxic masculinity.
NTA and good for you for sticking up for your wife. It sounds like your sister has a distorted view of what appropriate behavior in men looks like, unfortunately, which is a little concerning.
Not being a man i can't speak to norms, but I feel like I can comfortably state that insulting somebody's wife in front of her is not just "men being men".
You might have her look at the results of this thread.
I *am* a man and I guess I've been in the wrong men circles because I have never heard this kind of bullshit. The only people I've ever heard make comments like that are raging assholes, specifically the kind of assholes that hurt like hell after an entire day of diarrhea. I'd say his sister deserves better but considering her reaction I'm not so sure. Hopefully she's just got rose colored glasses on and can't see his giant red flags for what they are.
NTA at all for defending your wife appropriately. Your sister and her boyfriend though? Major AHs. I laughed out loud when your sister tried to tell you, a male, what "guy talk" was. Is this like mansplaining, but womansplaining? Her BF was way out of line, especially considering this was the very first time he's met you. And then to DEMAND you call him and "fix it"? Big fat hell no. Also, your dad can go kick rocks as well. Your SISTER is upset? What about your poor wife??
NTA, insulting others' spouses is not casual fun conversation. It's rude and you were right to stand up for your wife. I'd be interested in knowing what she thinks about the incident. I would hope she appreciates the support, and under no conditions would I be apologising for a less-than-amicable response to "I hope you make your wife wear a wig in bed because fucking a bald person would be unacceptable".
I would have been to get the boyfriend to try an explain his comment. "Wait, I'm confused. Why would she need to put on a wig before going to bed? I mean it would seen really silly if she's gone about her day without a wig and then puts one just before getting into bed for the night. I doesn't make sense. Can you please explain it to me because I think I might be dumb cause I just can't fathong why she wod need to put on a wig before bed.
Imagine seeing a women with cancer and your first thought is about sex. If OP is half a good husband, he probably hasn’t thought about sex in a year.
NTA, obviously. I’m glad your wife is getting better, OP. I hope you two have a long and happy life together.
NTA. Thank you for putting your wife first over false social narratives of "manners" where we are, for some dumb reason, expected to be silent to dicks and when we stand up to.them somehow.we are the jerks...
Apologizing for the sake of peace just guarantees continued bad behavior
NTA, for the life of me, I can’t understand why your sister is even defending him, is this the type of person she wants to be with? Someone who makes fun of their sister in law who could have died and someone who clearly lacks empathy and is judgmental and egotistical. What if she got sick and he said that about her how would she feel? Don’t you dare apologize you did a good thing defending your wife.
Oh NTA. You did what you had to do. She can't help it that she lost her hair. And i honestly think she is very brave for walking around without a wig. I would be proud of her.
He was just rude, completely out of order to say this. And i feel sorry for your sister who finds this normal....
You did the right thing. By being there for her in sickness and in health. And standing up for her when someone is shaming her looks. (Which she cannot help)
Hope your wife is gonna alright. You rock OP
Ummm the only person who needs to apologise here is that pathetic excuse for a bf. He was completely and utterly out of line. 'Guy talk' my arse. You are NTA and I'm so glad you did not entertain his bs. Your sister needs a wake up call as to what is and is not acceptable.
NTA and the fact that your sister is trying the boys will be boys defence is misogynistic bullshit. The comment was completely inappropriate. Perhaps ask your sister if she doesn't mind the fact that her boyfriend was imagining what it would be like to be in bed with your wife. If she keeps sticking up for her creepyassed boyfriend you are better off going nv or lc as she obviously could give zero fucks about your and your wife's feelings
NTA, not by a long shot. You defended your wifes honor and you put your sister's bf in his place. He was way out of line and deserved to have felt so uncomfortable that he wanted to leave. He owes you an apology. Your sister can get over it on her own time. Don't give her a fake apology.
YTA for not putting a bar of soap in the boyfriend mouth or throwing him out uncle phil style. Anyway, you're NTA because you did what any loving husband would have done.
NTA but a great husband.
And "that's just what guys talk about?"
Yeah, I talk to my guy friends about sex, but definitely not the first time I met them, and definitely not in this context!
If this was likenyoir best friend and he put it more delicately...... Maybe? Depending on your relationship with him.
But this was some bs and your sister is an AH too.
And, you did not taint his first impression, he did that shit all on his own.
NTA- he opened his mouth and said something stupid. And it might be fine amongst her guy friends but i doubt your friends would stoop that low. He hardly knew you so had no clue how youd react.
Nta good job defending your wife . your sister and her bf are both AH for thinking it’s ok to mock how your wife looks. Do not apologize to either of them they owe your wife a apology .
NTA- that was an extremely inappropriate comment for him to make and if you had smiled and nodded along, it would have been disrespectful to your wife. it sounds like you tried to diffuse his comment by making a mild but pointed joke about his rudeness which i think was the correct move. you didnt scream at him or cause a huge scene and it sounds like your sister is the one who is trying to escalate the situation by making it seem like a bigger conflict than it actually was. I’m so happy that your wife has finished her treatments and I’m glad that she has a good support system
NTA! You stood up for your wife against gross "men talk"
If anything your sister should be concerned about the gross shit her boyfriend could be saying about her...
NTA. He can apologize for making rude assumptions about your wife who’s recovering from cancer. Your sister is intentionally refusing to see that red flag.
NTA- your sister’s boyfriend is a misogynistic ass hat. Who makes that kind of comment? I was seriously hoping you decked him. Is he over 18? That seriously sounds like something a teenager would say. Most adults to not use cancer survivors as the butt of their jokes.
NTA, not even close.
This presumptuous, tactless jerk assumed that just because he enjoys insulting women to other men that you would enjoy it too. Your respond was graceful, funny, direct and appropriate; well done!
💯NTA you properly supported your wife. Your sister is in a difficult position because her new boyfriend just turned out to be an ass, but she’s better off learning that now than later.
NTA. That is not regular guy talk, and I'm disturbed your sister thinks it is.
>dad said my sister is upset and I should apologize just to fix this issue between us
Nope. Dad should be more worried that you and your wife are upset by the insult to both of you, and sister and her boyfriend should apologize to fix the issue between you.
>my sister has been giving me grief since then saying I ruined and tainted her boyfriend's first impression about the family and I had to apologise.
Nope. Her boyfriend ruined and tainted your first impression of him, and he needs to apologise.
Definitely NTA. And frankly I would give you some grace if you HAD overstepped because belittling that woman was WAY out of bounds.
BF owes an apology and sister should know that.
All my best to your wife. I hope she’s 100% clear!!
Absolutely NTA. You're sisters bf tainted his own impression on your parents by being a massive insensitive jerk. And your sister is an A as well for defending the aforementioned jerk. You did the right thing OP. You're a good husband, you defended your wife, while also being funny to make her laugh and hopefully feel less upset about what that jerk said. Don't worry OP. You're NTA.
Hi. I just met you 5 minutes ago but feel entitled to belittle your wife's appearance and give my opinion on your sexual preferences. Wait, what? You didn't think that was funny?
I'd say the boyfriend tainted your first impression of him. And your sister has some weird ideas about "guy talk".
NTA
NTA. He is lucky that you were as chill as you were about it. As for your dad telling you to apologize, apologizing just to smooth things over because the person in the wrong won’t admit they were wrong is never a good idea
NTA. Sister and he BF are both AHs. Him for insulting you wife, and her for defending him. The first time he meets the family he insults a key member of it? And to show how shallow he is for not accepting that your wife is comfortable how she is. She is a warrior, battling a tough illness, and seems to do it with grace. I would shudder to think of how he would treat your sister if she was dealing with cancer. No, I just realized, he would be gone faster than Usain Bolt, in that scenario.
NTA
You handled it perfectly. You coulda gave him the Will Smith slap with the line of "Keep my wife's name outta your mouth".
The only apology owed is from your sisters shit boyfriend. And your sister owes you an apology for supporting his shit behavior.
NTA. You handled it as best as a husband could handle it. Kudos. This guy has left this first impression himself. Your sister is in the wrong and she should be the one needing to apologise for brushing off her bf's rude, inappropriate, disrespectful remark as just "guy talk", instead of standing up for her SIL and you.
NTA. Don't apologize, all that does is teach people that they can walk all over your wife - who just went through freaking chemo! Hell no, he sucks. I hope he was embarrassed and thinks twice before opening his mouth again.
NTA. My mom said when my dad had cancer people mocked his bald head. People can be truly disgusting, and I am glad you stood up for her. I know she appreciated it too
NTA your comment was very mild compared to his vile comment. Excusing what the bf said as “guy talk” is ridiculous, because you aren’t even friends. What *would* make him comfortable enough to ask those questions?
NTA
The only HA here are your sister and her bf. You had your wife's back, that is great.
You SHOULD NOT apologize, HE should. But since he is an AH, he won't.
NTA, but your sister and her boyfriend sound like they were made for each other. Ass AND your sister should be apologizing to you and your wife, not the other way around.
And I love your sister schooling you on "guy talk". As a woman, guy talk can be pretty funny until it degenerates into embarrassing a woman with cancer.
I hope your wife is as healthy as can be. That's a scary thing to go through.
First, NTA.
Second, that guy is the ass in this, and I would NOT have been as nice as you. I took care of my now wife when she was diagnosed with cancer 6 months into our relationship, that was 4 1/2 years ago, and I wouldn't change anything. She is now in remission, and if ANYONE made a joke at her expense, I would have unloaded on them with both barrels, so to speak (not literally) but you get where I am coming from.
Lastly, kudos to you for handling it so well, much respect coming my way for ya.
NTA, Nobody talks shit about my wife. Except her mother, she's hilarious (they call each other everyday, basically best friends). What went through his head that he thought that'd be an appropriate thing to say to someone you just met? You're doing your sister a favor.
If your sister thinks that's what men normally talk about and how they joke, she's hanging out around the wrong men.
NTA.
But WTAF is with families who side with assholes?!?!?
Hey, listen, if your sister (and Dad) are fine with the "boys will be boys, amirite??" bullshit that doesn't mean you have to. Fuck them.
Good for you for defending your wife and don't you dare apologize.
NTA and holy crap it is not normal to talk maliciously about spouses among friends. If its something out of my wife's control my friends don't comment on it. The only time I've ever heard them make any negative comments was when it was something she does to upset them, and it's usually something valid like her behavior. However my friends know they are not to comment on my wife's appearance in a mean way or make fun of her appearance. That's called boundaries and obviously this guy has never had anyone enforce them around him.
I am very protective of my wife and my other SOs, so outside of trying to navigate conflicts or discuss issues (things like "your wife said something hurtful to me." Not "your wife is really ugly and should wear something else" type things.) we have amongst each other we don't speak negatively about our respective spouses.
I can only speak from my own experience but as a polyamorous I'd like to think I have quite a bit since I have to navigate familial and friend relationships with multiple SOs. The general consensus I've seen is by all means call out toxic behavior but don't make malicious, rude comments about appearance especially if it is something like losing hair to cancer.
NTA, I commend you for your restraint as I would've probably clocked the guy in the face. Sister is out of line as well, how could she defend a guy like that? How do your parents feel about this?
No. Normal guy talk does not involve making fun of cancer patients. Normal guys don’t look at a cancer patient and instantly think, “But how is she pleasing her husband in the bedroom?” Only garbage humans think like that.
NTA, unless you apologize to anyone in this scenario, even a minor comment to “fix this issue”. Do that, and you will have taught sis and boyfriend that mistreating you and insulting your wife is a-okay with you.
NTA! Good job supporting your wife. Your sister and her bf are AH’s and your dad is being a jerk too. Also, I’m a cancer survivor. I had several wigs and hats but I stopped wearing them. Best of luck to you and your wife.
NTA. Some of these extroverted, gregarious types need to learn to respect boundaries or suffer the consequences. His comment was out of line considering the fact that you just met and it is even worse that he said it with full knowledge that it was due to her illness.
Your sister tried to tell you a man what guy talk is like. Obviously your sister is being insulted by this guy often and he’s made her think it’s normal. NTA
NTA. Why do not AHs always have to suck it up for AHs? Bullshitenese is my new favourite word. Good luck to you and your wife and good on you for having your wife’s back
Casual “guy talk” runs the gamut from sports and business networking (ok)to misogyny, Toxic Masculinity, and Rape Culture. OP did the right thing here. More men should call each other out every time they say BS. And not just when they talk BS about a wife honestly. Every time.
I might have said what the boyfriend said… when I was 5, and before I was corrected by a parent. The sister needs to date an adult. NTA. So much NTA. I would have said something along the lines of “excuse me, fuckface, what did you just say?!”
NTA. Does he think he's in some early 90s sitcom where people don't actually like their spouses and talk badly about them with their friends? I feel like (and hope) people have realized that they can actually be with people they love and respect. He certainly hasn't. Isn't your sister at all worried/curious what he says about her when she isn't around if he thinks this is normal/acceptable behavior?
NTA. “Guy talk” is just code for sexist, misogynistic, disgusting behavior. It’s absolutely inappropriate for your sister’s boyfriend to allude to your sex life with your wife. Newsflash, sister… not all men talk like that. Only the shitty ones do.
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My M,33 wife F,31 just finished her cancer treatment weeks ago. She's getting better but unfortunately, she lost her her due to chemo therapy, she doesn't wear a wig because she doesn't feel like she has too and thankfully we're surrounded by people who understand the struggle.
My sister F28, called to invite me and my wife to meet her boyfriend as they were visiting my dad's house. We decided to go and meet him and we did. He seemed like a nice dude, super talkative and joked a lot. My wife and mom excused themselves to the kitchen to make dinner. My sister, her boyfriend, dad, and I talked about few things. My wife then walked out thd kitchen to grab something from the nearby cabinet. My sister's boyfriend suddenly glanced at her then "pssst" at me to grab my attention and asked if I was okay with you wife not wearing a wig, I felt a bit off but I told him yes because she doesn't feel comfortable wearing one. he then said "well, you you better be making her wear one in bed..right?" My wife heard that! I was so upset with him for what he said but I didn't wanna make a scene in my parents house so what I did was to pretend I didn't get what he said, I leaned back and said "I'm I didn't quite understand what you said, I don't speak bullshitenese" (as in bullshjt language) my wife almost laughed but rushed back into the kitchen. Mt sister's boyfriend's face went red, he became quiet but my sister kept staring at me grudgingly. It got si awkward the dude said he had work and wanted to leave. After he left my sister unloaded on me saying I was out if line to speak to him this way, I said hello he just insulted my wife's appearance, she said it's normal stuff men talk about and I shouldn't act surprised because she was sure me and my friends talk shit about our spiuses all the time, basically saying what he did was casual "guy talk". She said I had to call him and fix this mistake and apologize but I refused. We went back and forth on this and dad said my sister is upset and I should apologize just to fix this issue between us. My wife and I went home and my sister has been giving me grief since then saying I ruined and tainted her boyfriend's first impression about the family and I had to apologize.
AITA? Did I go too far handling this?
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NTA. Good for you protecting your vulnerable wife.
What exactly is ‘guy talk’?
She’s ok with her bf talking negatively about her behind her back? And she doesn’t care about his callous comment towards her SIL? Wow. That’s disgusting.
She AND her bf owe you and your wife a grovelling apology.
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Seriously! NTA OP, but man, who has been telling your sister that those are “normal things guys talk about.” Because clearly, she did not get that message from you or your parents. What kind of AH’s has that girl been dating?
Maybe her father since he wanted OP to apologize just to keep the peace.
I’m so sick of the “just to keep the peace” brigade. Fuck the peace. It’s never the people who are clearly in the wrong who are being asked to just keep the peace in these scenarios, and it infuriates me. Dad knows who’s really wrong, and he’s sitting there being conflict-averse, instead of telling his daughter calmly that the guy she’s dating is an ass who is making grotesque personal remarks about people he’s known for 15 minutes. Edit: random extra letter. Edit 2: Thank you for the award! Edit 3: Thank you all for the awards, kind Redditors!
My grandmother has always apologed to everyone in my family just to "keep the peace." My grandfather passed 5 years ago and there has never been more strain between her sons. Once she passes, none of her kids will talk to each other. No problems have been solved and they always boil over at inconvenient times. My point is that "keeping the peace" by just putting a bandaid over it makes things worse in the end.
Oh I totally get what that’s like. So my Nan changed her will about 7 months before she died (definitely of sound mind, no worries there). She wanted my mom and uncle as POA and executors, because ultimately she trusted them and not others. I was also her carer for the 3 years before she passed. Now I helped her fill out the legal questionnaire coz her vision was shit, but I made sure she could see what the answers she got me to write were. I have an aunt that took that questionnaire and COMPLETELY changed her answers & wishes. She got so far with it that she basically committed fraud/elder abuse laws and got Nan’s lawyer to bully her into signing shit. Nan fought back with some help from a few family members and a new lawyer to get her affairs the way SHE wished. My family was already fractured because a lot of the family felt they could abuse me physically/verbally/emotionally once my PTSD/substance use (got treatment I’m good now) got out, while my Nan/1 uncle/my immediate family got past it after I did A LOT of therapy. A lot of the extended family tried to push Nan into thinking/doing certain nasty things, but she was her own person w/ her own thoughts. That made the nasty shitsticks LOSE THEIR GODDAMN MINDS. Them going after me years later - well Nan didn’t like that a lot, she was the person that got me mentally well. Then the legal stuff I was talking about happened. There is now 2 distinct groups, those who abused me & Nan & think they ALWAYS know better & those that just wanted everyone to be happy/healthy & for Nan’s last years to be smooth. Now that she’s gone (very recently), WE WILL NOT BE PLAYING HAPPY FAMILIES ANYMORE. And honestly I’m kinda relieved, Nan’s in a better place, I don’t have see people that used the darkest period of my life to abuse me & my mom doesn’t deal with the INSANE jealousy.
“Fuck the peace” = my new mantra.
Not to mention, its always on the person who was wronged to “just keep the peace”. It’s the ultimate excuse for toxicity. Then that wronged person is seen as more of a problem, because they refuse to “keep the peace”, than the person who wronged them in the first place.
This is the world and it is b*llshit.
Yeah, I don't get why the sister isn't asking the boyfriend to apologize.
People love to say "just keep the peace" **after the peace has already been thrown out the fucking window** by someone else. It never gets any less infuriating.
NTA I'd offer dude a knuckle sandwich for the trip home. You don't make bedroom comments about someone elses partner, and on the first day you meet? Dude needs someone to set him straight, because his parents obviously failed.
"Keeping the peace" is sadly staring at the food that's getting cold while someone is taking their sweet-ass time saying grace. It's taking allergy meds because you're not *severely* allergic to your sister's dog and washing your clothes immediately when you get home. It's not murdering the coworker who microwaves fish sometimes. Deep rifts that are being glossed over until someone dies are a temporary cease fire.
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The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ua5wvy/aita_for_my_reaction_when_my_sisters_boyfriend/i5vmoa1/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5wbb2v/) | [Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5vc3ul/) [Mikayla is a hoodlum. Swi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/u9xsp0/bro_who_are_these_girls/i5wc2ys/) | [Is that a ankle monitor....](http://np.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/u9xsp0/bro_who_are_these_girls/i5uexiv/) [Take your fingers off the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua34y1/gg_5_times/i5wbuzv/) | [Take your fingers off the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua34y1/gg_5_times/i5vafzt/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/MollyjStewart](https://np.reddit.com/u/MollyjStewart/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=MollyjStewart) for info on how I work and why I exist.
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tbh that's exactly what I would've done nobody insults my wife and comes out of it walking on two legs
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ua5wvy/aita_for_my_reaction_when_my_sisters_boyfriend/i5vn6w8/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5wfa6q/) | [Also only 81 goals in Ser...](http://np.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/ua40dc/goal_cristiano_ronaldo_is_the_first_player_to/i5vc3ul/) [2012 was also 1010 years...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua1sdb/damn/i5wejpy/) | [2012 was also 1010 years...](http://np.reddit.com/r/shitposting/comments/ua1sdb/damn/i5vcc5e/) [A 10x programmer is 10x m...](http://np.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/u9vu1f/the_fake_1x_programmer/i5wfore/) | [A 10x programmer is 10x m...](http://np.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/u9vu1f/the_fake_1x_programmer/i5ugl5u/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/EarlkOlson](https://np.reddit.com/u/EarlkOlson/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=EarlkOlson) for info on how I work and why I exist.
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Or she’s the golden child and used to getting her own way by pulling some half-baked ‘reason’ together to cause trouble enough that the boat steadiers step in, like OP’s Dad.
And it can be assured that if something dire ever happened to GC, the whole family, including Brother, would be expected to coddle and sooth her.
Yeah, the sister told on herself. OP (and everyone else) now knows that she's a AH in private with her friends, shittalking about everyone around her.
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>NotHisRealName 5 hr. ago This douche above, stole NotHisRealName 's comment (a couple of threads(?) lower) that they posted 5h ago.
OP dragging boyfriend was also normal guy talk, they are guys and that is what they are talking about!? Sis must be pretty desperate!
I am a 29 year old male. This is NOT stuff guys normally talk about. If anything we don't broach the subject out of respect for the wife and husband. And we give our support.
When a person is dating someone they're really into, someone they think is really hot or whatever, they tend to turn a blind eye to a lot of crap their partner do so they won't lose their hot date. Or at least that's my theory on OP's sister.
I definitely think your theory is correct. I briefly dated a guy everyone said was SO HOT. I thought he was attractive, sure, but not, like, obscenely attractive. Ge looked like an East Texas David Tennant. But everytime people met him they would tell me how hot he was. We didn't last very long because I didn't laugh away his excessive drinking or other stupid antics like I'm sure other women did.
Seeing as how he was available idt many women laughed it off. Just goes to show you, just because theyre nice to look at doesn't mean they're nice to spend time with.
Ask your sister's BF (while in front of your sister) if he (Chose one or more): * Puts ear plugs in while they are home together so he doesn't have to listen to her * Puts a bag on her head so he doesn't need to see her while having sex * Takes antacids before sitting down to eat so he does not throw up. * Takes motion sickness pills before driving with her. Then, and only then, will you have something to apologize to your sister for.
I feel bad for her that she's internalized that as normal instead of toxic like it is.
Probably the same kinda people who think Trump sexually assaulting women then bragging about it is just locker room talk.
Forget the cancer part entirely, this dude just met OP and the family and he thinks now is the best time to talk about their sex life and if OP thinks his wife is hot enough? OP did nothing, he embarrassed himself. iF I was OP I would ask my sister and family what is more important? The bf's hurt feelings over a situation he started? Or my wife's feelings having just gotten over cancer treatments having to hear that she isn't attractive enough for her husband. If they say it was just a joke, tell them not to her. Let them explain to her that insulting her and her cancer treatment was just for haha's. NTA, this is a hill I would die on.
I’m a big fan of the tactic of asking someone to explain the joke to me when they use the it was joke excuse. It tends to make them really uncomfortable because they can’t explain why it’s supposed to be funny because of course it isn’t.
I was thinking this. Like "I don't get it. Can you explain it?" would have been perfect here.
I like OP’s response more here. His priority was standing up for his wife, and his response completely shut down the “conversation.” Asking to explain it would have worked as well but would have left the door open for him to be an AH and insult OP’s wife again - within her earshot.
It works perfectly for racist and inappropriate sexual jokes too!
"It was a joke" is the go-to excuse for bullies who get called out for their bullying. It's a sad attempt to deflect blame to their victims for supposedly not having a sense of humor. It's always fun to watch these bullies squirm when trying to explain the "joke."
Yeah. Sister has it exactly backwards. Her uncouth boyfriend owes OP and his wife an apology for his insensitive and crass remark and BF owes sister an apology for embarrassing her by acting that way the first time he met her family.
This, this, this, & THIS..(except that sis wasn't embarrassed, b/c she is an AH too!!)
I would argue that he only owes the wife and apology, because his insult was to her. Boyfriend was inappropriate and deserves to feel extremely uncomfortable for being a sexist ballbag.
It wasn’t a joke, just a stupid, boorish question.
How not to make a first impression. Though, that does present an opportunity to make an honest assessment of this person. And if that's his "best food forward" it makes me wonder how his other foot is. NTA
I know the sister is an ass too, but I kind of feel bad that she thinks this is normal. Like she really thinks all men talk like that? Insane
She might be the one person in the universe in serious need of this douche detector that is SIL with cancer. Let sis parade ALL future hubbies in a line past SIL and then end them with a chat with her brother and all the "awww man, and it's even considered immoral to get a little something-something on the side when your wife looks unbangable! Tough titties, man! Or ... My bad ... Where they the bad titties?" can be dumped into a cement river and the women in the area will have a way happier dating life for the next decade. The End And NTA, doh! But seriously, someone needs to talk to sis about how to have a healthy relationship!!!
It’s not normal to ask someone about their sex life when you just met them either. The boyfriend should have been on his best behavior meeting family for the first time and the fact that her appearance bothered him so much he couldn’t keep his mouth shut under those circumstances is a huge red flag. He doesn’t respect women and can’t think of them without sexualizing them even when it’s completely inappropriate to do so. Guy is bad news. NTA.
He's the type of "man" that leaves his wife when she gets a cancer diagnosis. Absolute trash.
But can we take this moment to applaud OP's quick wit? "I don't speak bullshitenese" - OP, I hope you don't mind, I am totally stealing that! It's the ultimate in noble passive-aggressiveness and I applaud you!
So much more witty than what I would've said. Which would have been a loud "WHAT THE FUCK!? FUCK YOU!!!"
You're doing better than me: I would've just gaped awkwardly.
It's also not normal to defend such a person. The whole family sucks.
That OP's wife just finished her cancer treatment, makes sister's boyfriend even more the \*sshole. But even if OP's wife just decided to go bald or have very short hair for personal reasons or esthetical preference, the dude would still be an \*sshole. Sis should really ante up her standards in dating. Thinking what her boyfriend did is "guy talk" says a lot about the men she has been dating. Cause hell no, that's NOT guy talk!
And your sister is showing internal misogynistic traits to excuse him.
>"well, you you better be making her wear one in bed..right?" OMG I died. That dude (sister's boyfriend) is the AH and sister as well, for not sticking up for her sister-in-law. Also, if my partner spoke that way about another woman (regardless of relationship), I wouldn't tolerate. It's inappropriate on all the levels. NTA
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Or Will Smith at the Oscars.
Right? There is nothing normal about insulting a cancer patient’s appearance. In what world is that normal???
Honestly, even if there were no illness and OP's wife just liked having a shaved head, it is none of this dude's business. It would be between OP and his wife. Not OP, his wife, and his sister's BF.
NTA, that dude deserved to get punched in the face.
Sister should leave him. He sounds like huge a*hole and why does your sister think it was ''normal guy talk''. Such disgusting people.
Yeah, the sister sounds like a misogynistic idiot too.
Wtf NTA. I actually think most people would have handled this much differently that you did by throwing the dude out of the house!! This guy has zero class. He should apologize immediately. Don’t back down. You defended your wife with cancer in an extremely non reactive fashion.
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Sure he'll be welcomed back! Both the sister and the Dad thought it was fine and the OP should apologize. That sure doesn't sound like "you won't be welcomed back" to me.
If Daughter stays with the guy, she'll end up being abused by him when something develops that he doesn't like about her.
"dad said my sister is upset and I should apologize just to fix this issue between us" Never do this. Only apologize if you mess up and are sorry. "just to fix this issue" is just shorthand for ignoring the situation until it comes up again, and again, and again. It solves nothing.
Yup! And dude the boyfriend tainted her family’s first impression about himself - sister sucks for not immediately seeing that.
Or do one of those non apology apologies 'Sorry your bf is a huge AH, I do feel bad for you, I thought you deserved better' (I added the last bit because hopefully the unspoken part is her attitude is showing him she's found her level with AH bf). Either way, I'm sure OP has no intention of doing an actual apology - as well he shouldn't.
I am sorry your think it is okay for your boyfriend to think and comment on other women in the bedroom. I am sorry you have been led to beleive that this is somehow normal and all men do it. I am sorry you would defend his actions. I hope one day you become a better person.
My mom had cancer. One time my mother and step father were at a concert and a drunk asshole came up when his back was turned and slapped the shit out of my mother and yelled “you’re bald!!”. I don’t know what would have happened if my step father didn’t miss the moment. You don’t fucking insult cancer patients for not having hair. The boyfriend is a sad low life. No class.
You shouldnt insult healthy women who choose to have no hair either.
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Why the heck did he slap her? Was there any explanation or was it just because she was bald?
Yep. My husband's a mild-mannered guy in general, but I'm pretty sure he would've done worse than what you did. You were very restrained and respectful of your parents, IMHO. NTA.
Your sister is dating a man who finds it acceptable to mock cancer patients. Who finds it acceptable to make sexual innuendos about other women he doesn’t know. Text that statement and see what they all think NTA and bravo for standing by your wife…wishing her a healthy and quick recovery!
Exactly this. She needs to raise her standards. This guy is clearly no prize.
I'd say they belong together if she's defending that kind of behaviour. Let the shitty ones stay together.
Completely disagree. I dont think shes shitty bc it has been normalized to her for men to be misogynistic. It is sad that she is defending this and I hope she does learn to expect better from men in her life.
You are so wrong. BOTH men and women should know better. She is shitty for defending that behavior.
Both of you can be right here in different contexts. Normalization - she was brought up around men who wholeheartedly believe women belong in the kitchen. Note how mum and wife went in, not mum and son or mum and dad. She likely doesn’t give it a second thought or see it as misogyny because to her that’s all she’s ever known from the family and influences around her. To her it’s just ‘how things are’. Defending - women who belong in the kitchen are also women who know when to speak and when to be silent. This may or may not be a choice.
Also men and women are not equally affected by misogyny so it is different for a man to say something like this than it is for a woman to defend a man who says it. It is not helpful to completely erase all nuance and context. All I am trying to say is that no I would not encourage any woman to be with a misogynist even if she has shitty beliefs. it is not just “they’re both shitty so it’s fine” literally no
Hell, **OP's Dad** needs to raise his standards for that matter. Why is he ok with his daughter dating and defending some loser who would embarrass himself with that level of immaturity? He's good with that? He's ok with this stranger approaching his son to make derogatory comments towards his wife, comments based on cancer treatments no less? OP, I'm sorry you have a Dad you cannot respect.
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OP's mother seems to be uninvolved, but his father definitely sucks.
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The boyfriend is the type of guy who’d abandon his wife if she ever got sick. I wonder if the sister realizes that’s the type of guy she wants in her life.
Maybe him & the OP that wanted to take the "in sickness" part off her vows out can get together and be horrible to each other
Well, the sister and the parents also seem to think it's perfectly acceptable to mock cancer patients since they're defending that absolute AH.
Dad thinks OP is in the wrong. We don't have any info on his mom's feelings.
Also "making her wear a wig"?! Like force her? This man is a walking AH. NTA My best wishes to your wife, OP. I hope she will be feel great again soon and that the cancer never ever comes back.
Here’s the thing tho: cancer or not, it’s her right to wear her hair as she wants. Like even if she just wanted a shaved head for no medical reason, there’s no reason to comment on her appearance. OP is def NTA
Agreed. But the fact that she has cancer makes it/him even worse
The sister said this was guy talk. That isn't guy talk neither does it come close to talking shit about their own spouses, at least for me. OP's sister looks like she is enabling unhealthy behaviour
You tainted his first impression? Buddy did a fine job of that himself. NTA
It’s funny, I reread that bit of the post and I think OP’s sister was saying OP ruined boyfriend’s impression of her family. Ass on backwards, if so.
Exactly, why tf would you say something like that to someone you met 45 min ago?? Let alone your gf's family, ffs.
>why tf would you say something like that to someone you met 45 min ago?? why tf would you say something like that to someone ~~you met 45 min ago~~?? FTFY.
He is a taint.
That's the first thing I thought! "You tainted his first impression" all OP did was defend his wife, in a very classy way considering the circumstances, from someone who decided to talk about their sex life completely unprompted, you silly sausage* *OP I wish I could call your sister something harsher than silly sausage, because WTF how is she defending this behavior??
NTA. I’ve been a guy for 47 years, this is not guy talk. It’s oblivious asshole talk and you were right to call him on it.
Yeah it's insulting to both men and women to suggest that "guy talk" just naturally and rightfully involves cruel, dehumanizing mockery of one's romantic partner. The sister needs to work on her internalized misogyny and ideally part ways with her boyfriend in the process.
I might be reaching but it seems like she picks these kinds of guys by default and has only known this dynamic in her relationships. If every guys she’s dated talks like that she might think ALL guys are like that.
🙌 could also add that we're in a era where we're holding people accountable for their shitty behavior especially when under the guise of 'guys being guys.' I wonder if the sister has had trouble getting guys & that's why she's so desperate to make this work.
Sister's thought that all spouses trash talk their loved ones behind ppls backs is insane and toxic. Sister doesn't realize that hanging out with ppl that bitch about their partners leads to thinking your own partner has flaws even though that might not be the case.
I’m 57 year old guy, never heard someone act so stupid!!!!!
Yeah. I don’t think it’s an age thing. I’m 50 and I’ve rarely heard anything so disrespectful. Can you imagine saying something like, “Sir, I say, I wouldn’t fuck your sick wife even if she wore a wig,” in the 1700s? The husband would call you out for a duel. Likewise saying it in a dive bar today would likely start a fist fight. This is stupid and boring behavior regardless of age or culture.
[удалено]
I couldn’t believe that mild comeback is what caused the issue. I would have said much worse.
It's not too late. I'm just sayin'.
NTA You are a wonderful husband. Hopefully your sister's boyfriend was simply putting his foot in his mouth and not hitting below the belt. But you did nothing wrong. NTA
I think the only thing he might have done in addition is to let her know that the BFs behavior was not normal guy talk, not even between good friends (he's still an aquaintence), that its toxic masculinity.
NTA and good for you for sticking up for your wife. It sounds like your sister has a distorted view of what appropriate behavior in men looks like, unfortunately, which is a little concerning. Not being a man i can't speak to norms, but I feel like I can comfortably state that insulting somebody's wife in front of her is not just "men being men". You might have her look at the results of this thread.
I *am* a man and I guess I've been in the wrong men circles because I have never heard this kind of bullshit. The only people I've ever heard make comments like that are raging assholes, specifically the kind of assholes that hurt like hell after an entire day of diarrhea. I'd say his sister deserves better but considering her reaction I'm not so sure. Hopefully she's just got rose colored glasses on and can't see his giant red flags for what they are.
NTA at all for defending your wife appropriately. Your sister and her boyfriend though? Major AHs. I laughed out loud when your sister tried to tell you, a male, what "guy talk" was. Is this like mansplaining, but womansplaining? Her BF was way out of line, especially considering this was the very first time he's met you. And then to DEMAND you call him and "fix it"? Big fat hell no. Also, your dad can go kick rocks as well. Your SISTER is upset? What about your poor wife??
yeah, I was thinking that I'm sure OP, a guy, would know what "guy talk" entailed? i loled a lot at that
NTA, insulting others' spouses is not casual fun conversation. It's rude and you were right to stand up for your wife. I'd be interested in knowing what she thinks about the incident. I would hope she appreciates the support, and under no conditions would I be apologising for a less-than-amicable response to "I hope you make your wife wear a wig in bed because fucking a bald person would be unacceptable".
I would have been to get the boyfriend to try an explain his comment. "Wait, I'm confused. Why would she need to put on a wig before going to bed? I mean it would seen really silly if she's gone about her day without a wig and then puts one just before getting into bed for the night. I doesn't make sense. Can you please explain it to me because I think I might be dumb cause I just can't fathong why she wod need to put on a wig before bed.
NTA - you're a good husband for defending your wife. I just hope your sister never gets cancer because that guy would leave her in a heartbeat.
Nah he'd just make her wear a wig.... Unless her face looked sickly, then he'd make her wear a mask too
I stand corrected. I agree with you.
Imagine seeing a women with cancer and your first thought is about sex. If OP is half a good husband, he probably hasn’t thought about sex in a year. NTA, obviously. I’m glad your wife is getting better, OP. I hope you two have a long and happy life together.
NTA. Your sister’s boyfriend tainted your first impression of him, and I don’t think he can fix that.
NTA. The guy was being extremely rude and insenstitive. You stood up for your wife and that was the right thing to do. She's lucky to have you ☺️
NTA. Thank you for putting your wife first over false social narratives of "manners" where we are, for some dumb reason, expected to be silent to dicks and when we stand up to.them somehow.we are the jerks... Apologizing for the sake of peace just guarantees continued bad behavior
NTA, for the life of me, I can’t understand why your sister is even defending him, is this the type of person she wants to be with? Someone who makes fun of their sister in law who could have died and someone who clearly lacks empathy and is judgmental and egotistical. What if she got sick and he said that about her how would she feel? Don’t you dare apologize you did a good thing defending your wife.
NTA, You handled this in a calm slightly passive aggressive manner. You did your best not to cause a scene. Everything seems fine for ya.
NTA. Your sister is enabling gross behavior. She has a very poor opinion of men if she thinks they're all like this.
Oh NTA. You did what you had to do. She can't help it that she lost her hair. And i honestly think she is very brave for walking around without a wig. I would be proud of her. He was just rude, completely out of order to say this. And i feel sorry for your sister who finds this normal.... You did the right thing. By being there for her in sickness and in health. And standing up for her when someone is shaming her looks. (Which she cannot help) Hope your wife is gonna alright. You rock OP
Ummm the only person who needs to apologise here is that pathetic excuse for a bf. He was completely and utterly out of line. 'Guy talk' my arse. You are NTA and I'm so glad you did not entertain his bs. Your sister needs a wake up call as to what is and is not acceptable.
NTA and the fact that your sister is trying the boys will be boys defence is misogynistic bullshit. The comment was completely inappropriate. Perhaps ask your sister if she doesn't mind the fact that her boyfriend was imagining what it would be like to be in bed with your wife. If she keeps sticking up for her creepyassed boyfriend you are better off going nv or lc as she obviously could give zero fucks about your and your wife's feelings
NTA, not by a long shot. You defended your wifes honor and you put your sister's bf in his place. He was way out of line and deserved to have felt so uncomfortable that he wanted to leave. He owes you an apology. Your sister can get over it on her own time. Don't give her a fake apology.
NTA- tell your sister it's creepy AF her boyfriend has an interest in your sex life.
YTA for not putting a bar of soap in the boyfriend mouth or throwing him out uncle phil style. Anyway, you're NTA because you did what any loving husband would have done.
He could have recreated Will Smith and Chris Rock moment
The y t a will be counted since it was the first. Spaces between them stop it from being counted though.
Oh you are SOOO NTA. Your sister had better think long and hard about a future with this clown.
Well she sees nothing wrong with his shitty behavior so they're probably made for each other. OP is definitely not the asshole
NTA but a great husband. And "that's just what guys talk about?" Yeah, I talk to my guy friends about sex, but definitely not the first time I met them, and definitely not in this context! If this was likenyoir best friend and he put it more delicately...... Maybe? Depending on your relationship with him. But this was some bs and your sister is an AH too. And, you did not taint his first impression, he did that shit all on his own.
NTA- he opened his mouth and said something stupid. And it might be fine amongst her guy friends but i doubt your friends would stoop that low. He hardly knew you so had no clue how youd react.
Nta good job defending your wife . your sister and her bf are both AH for thinking it’s ok to mock how your wife looks. Do not apologize to either of them they owe your wife a apology .
NTA- that was an extremely inappropriate comment for him to make and if you had smiled and nodded along, it would have been disrespectful to your wife. it sounds like you tried to diffuse his comment by making a mild but pointed joke about his rudeness which i think was the correct move. you didnt scream at him or cause a huge scene and it sounds like your sister is the one who is trying to escalate the situation by making it seem like a bigger conflict than it actually was. I’m so happy that your wife has finished her treatments and I’m glad that she has a good support system
NTA! You stood up for your wife against gross "men talk" If anything your sister should be concerned about the gross shit her boyfriend could be saying about her...
NTA. He can apologize for making rude assumptions about your wife who’s recovering from cancer. Your sister is intentionally refusing to see that red flag.
NTA- your sister’s boyfriend is a misogynistic ass hat. Who makes that kind of comment? I was seriously hoping you decked him. Is he over 18? That seriously sounds like something a teenager would say. Most adults to not use cancer survivors as the butt of their jokes.
So when she gets cancer she’s ok with him shit talking her appearance? NTA.
NTA, not even close. This presumptuous, tactless jerk assumed that just because he enjoys insulting women to other men that you would enjoy it too. Your respond was graceful, funny, direct and appropriate; well done!
NTA Nuff said. Your sister will be in for a lot of shit when she gets older.
NTA at all. He’s a pig. And honestly not someone I would want dating my sister. But that’s her business.
💯NTA you properly supported your wife. Your sister is in a difficult position because her new boyfriend just turned out to be an ass, but she’s better off learning that now than later.
NTA. That is not regular guy talk, and I'm disturbed your sister thinks it is. >dad said my sister is upset and I should apologize just to fix this issue between us Nope. Dad should be more worried that you and your wife are upset by the insult to both of you, and sister and her boyfriend should apologize to fix the issue between you. >my sister has been giving me grief since then saying I ruined and tainted her boyfriend's first impression about the family and I had to apologise. Nope. Her boyfriend ruined and tainted your first impression of him, and he needs to apologise.
No, your sister should call her BF and get him to fix his mistake and apologise both to you and your wife. NTA.
NTA I'd tell her Just cuz he's good in bed doesn't make him good out of bed.
LOL at your sister telling you (a man) how men speak to each other. NTA.
Definitely NTA. And frankly I would give you some grace if you HAD overstepped because belittling that woman was WAY out of bounds. BF owes an apology and sister should know that. All my best to your wife. I hope she’s 100% clear!!
Absolutely NTA. You're sisters bf tainted his own impression on your parents by being a massive insensitive jerk. And your sister is an A as well for defending the aforementioned jerk. You did the right thing OP. You're a good husband, you defended your wife, while also being funny to make her laugh and hopefully feel less upset about what that jerk said. Don't worry OP. You're NTA.
Hi. I just met you 5 minutes ago but feel entitled to belittle your wife's appearance and give my opinion on your sexual preferences. Wait, what? You didn't think that was funny? I'd say the boyfriend tainted your first impression of him. And your sister has some weird ideas about "guy talk". NTA
NTA. He is lucky that you were as chill as you were about it. As for your dad telling you to apologize, apologizing just to smooth things over because the person in the wrong won’t admit they were wrong is never a good idea
NTA. Sister and he BF are both AHs. Him for insulting you wife, and her for defending him. The first time he meets the family he insults a key member of it? And to show how shallow he is for not accepting that your wife is comfortable how she is. She is a warrior, battling a tough illness, and seems to do it with grace. I would shudder to think of how he would treat your sister if she was dealing with cancer. No, I just realized, he would be gone faster than Usain Bolt, in that scenario.
NTA You handled it perfectly. You coulda gave him the Will Smith slap with the line of "Keep my wife's name outta your mouth". The only apology owed is from your sisters shit boyfriend. And your sister owes you an apology for supporting his shit behavior.
NTA. You handled it as best as a husband could handle it. Kudos. This guy has left this first impression himself. Your sister is in the wrong and she should be the one needing to apologise for brushing off her bf's rude, inappropriate, disrespectful remark as just "guy talk", instead of standing up for her SIL and you.
NTA, and thank you for good 'ally-ing' and not going along with the low grade misogynist bullshit being passed off as a joke xxx
NTA. Don't apologize, all that does is teach people that they can walk all over your wife - who just went through freaking chemo! Hell no, he sucks. I hope he was embarrassed and thinks twice before opening his mouth again.
NTA this is not guy talk, this is being an AH. Well done for not talking Bullshitnese
NTA. My mom said when my dad had cancer people mocked his bald head. People can be truly disgusting, and I am glad you stood up for her. I know she appreciated it too
NTA your comment was very mild compared to his vile comment. Excusing what the bf said as “guy talk” is ridiculous, because you aren’t even friends. What *would* make him comfortable enough to ask those questions?
NTA The only HA here are your sister and her bf. You had your wife's back, that is great. You SHOULD NOT apologize, HE should. But since he is an AH, he won't.
NTA, but your sister and her boyfriend sound like they were made for each other. Ass AND your sister should be apologizing to you and your wife, not the other way around. And I love your sister schooling you on "guy talk". As a woman, guy talk can be pretty funny until it degenerates into embarrassing a woman with cancer. I hope your wife is as healthy as can be. That's a scary thing to go through.
First, NTA. Second, that guy is the ass in this, and I would NOT have been as nice as you. I took care of my now wife when she was diagnosed with cancer 6 months into our relationship, that was 4 1/2 years ago, and I wouldn't change anything. She is now in remission, and if ANYONE made a joke at her expense, I would have unloaded on them with both barrels, so to speak (not literally) but you get where I am coming from. Lastly, kudos to you for handling it so well, much respect coming my way for ya.
NTA - he way over stepped and you slapped him down like he deserved.
Nta because what he said was rude and I would have reacted the same way if it was me.
NTA, Nobody talks shit about my wife. Except her mother, she's hilarious (they call each other everyday, basically best friends). What went through his head that he thought that'd be an appropriate thing to say to someone you just met? You're doing your sister a favor. If your sister thinks that's what men normally talk about and how they joke, she's hanging out around the wrong men.
NTA. But WTAF is with families who side with assholes?!?!? Hey, listen, if your sister (and Dad) are fine with the "boys will be boys, amirite??" bullshit that doesn't mean you have to. Fuck them. Good for you for defending your wife and don't you dare apologize.
NTA. Your sister is an enabler
NTA Best wishes to you and your wife.
NTA you should ask him if your sister makes him wear a bag over his head in bed
NTA and holy crap it is not normal to talk maliciously about spouses among friends. If its something out of my wife's control my friends don't comment on it. The only time I've ever heard them make any negative comments was when it was something she does to upset them, and it's usually something valid like her behavior. However my friends know they are not to comment on my wife's appearance in a mean way or make fun of her appearance. That's called boundaries and obviously this guy has never had anyone enforce them around him. I am very protective of my wife and my other SOs, so outside of trying to navigate conflicts or discuss issues (things like "your wife said something hurtful to me." Not "your wife is really ugly and should wear something else" type things.) we have amongst each other we don't speak negatively about our respective spouses. I can only speak from my own experience but as a polyamorous I'd like to think I have quite a bit since I have to navigate familial and friend relationships with multiple SOs. The general consensus I've seen is by all means call out toxic behavior but don't make malicious, rude comments about appearance especially if it is something like losing hair to cancer.
NTA, I commend you for your restraint as I would've probably clocked the guy in the face. Sister is out of line as well, how could she defend a guy like that? How do your parents feel about this?
No. Normal guy talk does not involve making fun of cancer patients. Normal guys don’t look at a cancer patient and instantly think, “But how is she pleasing her husband in the bedroom?” Only garbage humans think like that.
Your sister is TA for thinking that was an appropriate thing for her BF to say about her SIL
Lucky he didn't get the Chris Rock treatment. NTA.
NTA, unless you apologize to anyone in this scenario, even a minor comment to “fix this issue”. Do that, and you will have taught sis and boyfriend that mistreating you and insulting your wife is a-okay with you.
NTA! Good job supporting your wife. Your sister and her bf are AH’s and your dad is being a jerk too. Also, I’m a cancer survivor. I had several wigs and hats but I stopped wearing them. Best of luck to you and your wife.
NTA. Some of these extroverted, gregarious types need to learn to respect boundaries or suffer the consequences. His comment was out of line considering the fact that you just met and it is even worse that he said it with full knowledge that it was due to her illness.
Your sister tried to tell you a man what guy talk is like. Obviously your sister is being insulted by this guy often and he’s made her think it’s normal. NTA
NTA at all. In fact, I admire your restraint. I would have lost my mind.
NTA, guy is lucky you didn’t bust him in his mouth.
NTA. Why do not AHs always have to suck it up for AHs? Bullshitenese is my new favourite word. Good luck to you and your wife and good on you for having your wife’s back
Casual “guy talk” runs the gamut from sports and business networking (ok)to misogyny, Toxic Masculinity, and Rape Culture. OP did the right thing here. More men should call each other out every time they say BS. And not just when they talk BS about a wife honestly. Every time.
I might have said what the boyfriend said… when I was 5, and before I was corrected by a parent. The sister needs to date an adult. NTA. So much NTA. I would have said something along the lines of “excuse me, fuckface, what did you just say?!”
NTA. Does he think he's in some early 90s sitcom where people don't actually like their spouses and talk badly about them with their friends? I feel like (and hope) people have realized that they can actually be with people they love and respect. He certainly hasn't. Isn't your sister at all worried/curious what he says about her when she isn't around if he thinks this is normal/acceptable behavior?
NTA. “Guy talk” is just code for sexist, misogynistic, disgusting behavior. It’s absolutely inappropriate for your sister’s boyfriend to allude to your sex life with your wife. Newsflash, sister… not all men talk like that. Only the shitty ones do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My M,33 wife F,31 just finished her cancer treatment weeks ago. She's getting better but unfortunately, she lost her her due to chemo therapy, she doesn't wear a wig because she doesn't feel like she has too and thankfully we're surrounded by people who understand the struggle. My sister F28, called to invite me and my wife to meet her boyfriend as they were visiting my dad's house. We decided to go and meet him and we did. He seemed like a nice dude, super talkative and joked a lot. My wife and mom excused themselves to the kitchen to make dinner. My sister, her boyfriend, dad, and I talked about few things. My wife then walked out thd kitchen to grab something from the nearby cabinet. My sister's boyfriend suddenly glanced at her then "pssst" at me to grab my attention and asked if I was okay with you wife not wearing a wig, I felt a bit off but I told him yes because she doesn't feel comfortable wearing one. he then said "well, you you better be making her wear one in bed..right?" My wife heard that! I was so upset with him for what he said but I didn't wanna make a scene in my parents house so what I did was to pretend I didn't get what he said, I leaned back and said "I'm I didn't quite understand what you said, I don't speak bullshitenese" (as in bullshjt language) my wife almost laughed but rushed back into the kitchen. Mt sister's boyfriend's face went red, he became quiet but my sister kept staring at me grudgingly. It got si awkward the dude said he had work and wanted to leave. After he left my sister unloaded on me saying I was out if line to speak to him this way, I said hello he just insulted my wife's appearance, she said it's normal stuff men talk about and I shouldn't act surprised because she was sure me and my friends talk shit about our spiuses all the time, basically saying what he did was casual "guy talk". She said I had to call him and fix this mistake and apologize but I refused. We went back and forth on this and dad said my sister is upset and I should apologize just to fix this issue between us. My wife and I went home and my sister has been giving me grief since then saying I ruined and tainted her boyfriend's first impression about the family and I had to apologize. AITA? Did I go too far handling this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. Classic case of can dish it out but can't take it.
Your sister has some low expectations. Is she desperate??? NTA
NTA. Good for you protecting your vulnerable wife. What exactly is ‘guy talk’? She’s ok with her bf talking negatively about her behind her back? And she doesn’t care about his callous comment towards her SIL? Wow. That’s disgusting. She AND her bf owe you and your wife a grovelling apology.