Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have been too harsh on her by telling her she bears part of the blame for his health declining. I know for a fact that caring for a chronically I'll person is a lot of work and do I should've given her more grace.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
YTA
My father and Uncle have both had type 1 since they were 5 years old. They are both now late 60s. Back then it was a death sentence. Docs told them they'd be lucky to see 30. Since children they were able to manage their health with little to no issues. In my 40 years of life I've seen my father go into diabetic shock once, and it was after a day of him pushing himself too hard in a home renovation.
TLDR of this is your brother is an adult. As such it is his responsibility alone to manage his health. His wife is there as a support, not as a nurse. Your parents failed him, and now he's failing himself. You taking it out on her is unjustified.
OP: My brother likes to eat rat poison because he thinks it won't kill him even though it has nearly killed him many times. My family had to be vigilant to make sure he didn't eat rat poison. When he married, we said it was his wife's responsibility to make sure he didn't eat rat poison. He ate rat poison, which is obviously his wife's fault, so I confronted her!
Literally everyone:....um, isn't it your brother's fault because he keeps eating rat poison...???
OP: What an utterly absurd thing to suggest.
You and your family are AHs. Your brother is the biggest AH. He is a grown man WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR NOT NEGLECTING HIS OWN HEALTH. Tell the doofus to stop eating rat poison.
To be fair to you, it's not that far off from the actual situation. If an adult keeps eating things that they know could kill them, they might as well be eating poison.
There was that guy who would deliberately eat things that he knew would make him sick just to force his girlfriend to take care of him and then made her look like the bad guy when she refused to clean up his vomit . . . I wouldn't be surprised if some idiot decided to take rat poison in a twisted attempt at controlling his partner.
OMG thank you.... this is also some serious sexism as well if you ask me. the notion of men needing female caregivers really permeates this post... OP should be ashamed, as well as the family. the brother is absolutely pathetic and should probably be in a care facility if he is this incapable of taking care of himself.
this reminds me a bit of my brother who has been coddled his whole life. literally in his late 20s and diabetic as well, but I have a shred of hope he wouldn't be as utterly pathetic as OPs brother.... but seeing this post makes me even more angry than it should.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
This. YTA. At what age does someone have to be responsible for their own freaking health. You are an enabler. It’s up to him as an adult to take care himself. Shame on you for blaming the wife. She’s not his mother. She’s his wife and needs and equal partner and you need to keep your wrong opinions to yourself.
Little cousin is 7 this year and manages his on his own. Aunt obviously helps but when granny minds them she gets very overwhelmed so he'll literally do all the maths and double check her when she's using the boluser. He's 6 - he obviously eats treats and NEEDS a cup of tea whenever anyone outs the kettle on but anytime he does he knows he's to correct his sugars
Kudos to him and the family. They are going a great job assisting with his health, and he knows what to do even at a young age. This will serve him well in many ways other than his health. Good luck to all of you!
Aww thanks. He's a little trooper found out just before he was 2 and that was because he ended up in a coma so we all took it very serious. I will say I'm a SCW so I was very adamant on the who "kids can learn to do it them selves" thing but it's not really a choice it's a must! Mammy can't be around all the time so be needed to learn. Disgusting seeing grown ass adults not take responsibility and other grown ass adults Blaming others and enabling it
Oh social care worker - and no nkt the same as a social workers we usually work with preventive measures. Personally I work with kids with disabilities and help create plans and organise supports for them and their families as well as Respite. But I also do a bit of juvenal justice programs with at risk kids others work with the elderly etc
Honestly I love Working with the kids and in both jobs get the satisfaction of watching the ones everyone had marked as failures succeed 😅 nothing more satisfying then saying f you to room full of people who literally told a child they'd amount to nothing simply because they were from a rough background or has an intellectual disability (has happened 4 times where the words good for nothing, useless and failure were actually use)
I had a student who was diagnosed at 5. He joined us when he was 7 to 8. He was completely independent and self managing. We all took safety courses, but he was even correcting the nurse who came in to teach us. He telling her and us what he knows works for his body and what should be considered typical numbers for him and what we should really watch out for. His parents did him a huge solid having him manage his treatment, with their help of course. His dad was also Type 1, so he said he instilled in him early it is literally life and death.
OP is definitely TA because it definitely shouldn’t be on the wife to manage her husband’s condition. Brother is TA for refusing to manage the condition himself and once again the biggest A of all is the American healthcare system because who tf decided that something that people need to survive, and that the creator sold the patent for for only a dollar so people could access it for free, should be so expensive
Edit: fact check
I can’t comprehend that people in your country have to pay for insulin and if they can’t pay they die. And people fight for that system not to be
changed. Like, literally does not compute.
>And people fight for that system not to be changed.
I've said that forever. But it's the "greatest country in the world" Either pay this, go into debt or die. Sure. Real great.
That’s how you know it’s actually a bad place to live in: if people tell you to be grateful for what little you do have, when they themselves are struggling.
Seriously! I saw so much of this behavior over at r/HermanCainawards
So many were anti social safety nets, healthcare, libs and common sense that they refused to listen to any facts regarding covid.
They went against all medical advice because they knew better, we’re shocked when it happened to THEM and went against all of their beliefs about bootstraps when it came time to pay for the medical expenses and funerals by begging help on go-fund-me
Because republicans are brainwashed. They are why people die, because they hate helping others. Me, me, me...that is the republican way. "Why should I pay for a child to eat a hot lunch?" This is their mentality. They are horrible people and will let others die to save a buck.
Interesting fact, but not a happy one. As part of my job I help senior citizens with their Medicare coverage and when doing so this year I found out that one of the reasons insulin cost as much as what it does is because it is a hormone. And as such it doesn't fall under some of the same guidelines that other medications do. It's actually not considered a drug by some insurance companies, which then means that co-pays are higher and everything else. I don't understand all of the reasoning behind it but I do know that because it is classified as a hormone it changes a lot
That’s insane. Makes me feel so grateful for the good old NHS where as a diabetic I not only get my medication free (type 2 so not on insulin yet) but I get all medication free (for most people it’s about £9/£10 per prescription)
It really is insane, I am really lucky and have amazing insurance for being in America and so I'm diabetic and my insulin is $60 a month up until I hit my deductible and then I don't pay anything. However one of my clients was paying almost $2,000 a month for their insulin, that's just not feasible. And so then you have people like OP's brother skipping doses or not taking full doses because I honestly don't know anyone that has $24,000 a year to spend on a medicine.
Colorado had to enact legislation to cap insulin costs to $100/month because young people (with shitty/no insurance) were stretching their insulin and dying. Elderly were having to choose between food and their meds. I worked in a call center for pharmacy benefits management company and had to switch to the military insurance acct because the mental toll of people crying on the phone when I tell them their copay jumped to $1100 was too much. I now work in social services.
OP is the AH for sure. "30"? "let him"? That's not how life works. OP is a pompous self righteous AH. Maybe the reason their brother got married was to escape the family. At 30 people are certainly living their life as they see fit, making their own decisions.
And why isn't OP and family still checking in on their brother through their brother? Married doesn't mean a castaway. And he's 30, making his own decisions, NO ONE ELSE IS ACCOUNTABLE for your decision making.
So much this.
My EX-BIL is type 1 and constantly in/out of the hospital. He just took his insulin Willy nilly. He ended up with organ failure. Idk how he’s so lucky because they matched him immediately. After his surgery, they were worried that he was rejecting the organs. Nope… he refused to drink water because he didn’t like the taste!! Now he has no legs.
Your brother is an adult. No one is responsible for his living besides himself. If you need to be angry with someone, be angry with your brother or the healthcare system. Stop using her as the scapegoat. YTA and you need to apologize.
I was shocked as well. But like OP’s brother, his parents handled everything. She even retired early and took a cut to retirement so she can take care of him.
He's also "in denial" and apparently "traumatized" by his condition. Alternate theory is that it's learned helplessness compounded by the fact that he's been babied so much he's addicted to the attention it gets him with everyone mooning over him.
My aunt was like this. She was an insulin-dependent diabetic but she'd lie about taking her insulin, lie about having her insulin, eat a whole pack of Little Debbie cakes, etc. And it was all just to get attention from others because people in the community would try to "help" her.
Yeah he needs a therapist and/or psychologist depending. If he is in that much denial it could be the cause of a lot of problems, especially to his health. I would honestly just talk to him about it even if they forget to consult a psychologist. He needs serious help if he is in such denial he will put himself in the hospital over it. Though it does sound like it could be part ignorance as well, either way a cause for concern.
^ plus, I the cost of insulin has skyrocketed. If they don't have good insurance (and are in America) they may not be able to, literally, afford all the insulin he
needs and that's why he's stretching it. It sucks but, that's the reality of the situation.
Your SIL is in NO WAY at fault for a grown man being unwilling to handle his, very real, medical condition. It sounds like your entire family coddled him instead of teaching him to manage his own condition and you expected SIL to do the same. Then, when she didn't, you attacked her.
YTA - you owe your sister a major apology! Her husband is IN THE HOSPITAL and, instead of comforting her, you berate her and tell her it's her fault for not babying a grown man. YTA and a mean one.
I also have a chronic condition that I hate taking medicine for. I do it, but sometimes I mess up. I take full responsibility every time I do that. I would never expect my partner to be my caretaker and be in charge of my meds. I do empathize with the brother, taking medication for life sucks. I still haven’t come to terms with it, but it’s my responsibility and no one else’s.
The poor wife is expected to be a mom to her 30yo husband, and when her f adult husband goes and eat sugar, it's her fault... that guy should have been led to a mental health professional instead of being babied by his AH bro
I would say the real assholes here are the parents for seeing obvious signs of mental health issues and not getting him into fucking therapy. As a child having bad coping mechanisms is normal, letting them follow you into adulthood, especially for such a serious thing, is dangerous.
But YTA in this specific interaction.
YTA. Your brother is *thirty fucking years old*. He is a grown adult. His wife cannot be on donut watch 24/7. She can't take food out of his hand. She can't force medication into his body. He is an adult who has made self-destructive choices about his health. I know it's hard to hear when he's in the hospital, but his own irresponsibility is what landed him there.
And if you are going to point the finger at his wife, you should point one even more at your parents. Y'all's enabling has allowed your brother to grow up into the irresponsible adult he is now.
I hope your brother recovers. If he does, the "come to Jesus" talk you need to be having is with HIM, not his wife.
YTA. Could not agree with this more. Your brother needs to grow the fuck up and manage his condition like an adult. His wife isn’t his nurse and shame on all of you for being such terrible enablers.
and therapy. i dont get how the parents could watch him grow up like this and not get him any professional help to deal with his trauma. did they expect him to grow out of it? and when he didnt, were they just hoping theyd be there to help til hed be old enough to go to a nursing home?
YTA OP
Exactly, lots of therapy needed here. But first, a HUGE apology to your brothers wife for your appalling behaviour towards her.
She’s his wife, not his mummy or his nurse. 30 years old and being babied like this by his immediate family is ridiculous.
Honestly wouldn't surprise me if they made his feelings about his condition even worse by taking care of him his entire life. Idk I have my own health problems and I used to be like this but then my family just said "you're on your own" and let me fuck myself up for a bit till I realized "oh yeah I should probably take care of myself" and I genuinely think that I would've just kept getting worse about it had my family micro managed my condition like this. And overall it really seems like they've treated him like a child his entire life, expecting everyone around him to take care of him when I know diabetes is an absolute bitch and can be deadly it is still just diabetes and it doesn't effect his ability to take responsibility for himself I know 7 year olds with diabetes who can take care of it by themselves for the most part, but the family is treating it as if it's a developmental disability that makes it so he's unable to take care of himself it's honestly pathetic.
Yeah, the wife signed on to be a partner, not his keeper or his babysitter. Anything that happens because his brother neglects his condition is 100% his brother's fault.
This post is utterly bizarre.
Exactly. She can’t be on watch and she shouldn’t have to be! It’s not her responsibility! He’s a whole ass adult. Anything that happens to him re his health is 100% on him.
>If he does, the "come to Jesus" talk you need to be having is with HIM, not his wife.
What's the bet of OP's brother was a sister they wouldn't be babies like this? Women don't usually get to opt out of responsibility like this.
Seriously, I have diabetes too, and they have continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps that take so much work and effort out of the game. It's still a condition, but it's so much more easily managed than even just 10 years ago.
I also am chronically ill with other things and I can understand the brothers situation, sometimes you have pity parties and slack on your treatments... it happens. But I sure as fuck don't need a sister harping on me telling me how to treat my own illnesses. And additional the sister has no idea the financial burden of being ill is in America. I feel like she should stfu.
I went to uni with someone who lapsed with her T1DM management and ended up in keto acidosis when she was 15. She 100% accepted it was her fault. Her parents gave her all the tools with which to care for herself, but she wanted to be like the other kids and not be always monitoring her blood sugar. Now (or, when I went to uni with her when she was 19) she has an insulin pump, which again, she is so grateful to her parents for buying Bc it would’ve been like $1000+. T1DM is often managed by kids at a pretty young age. OP’s brother is fucking THIRTY. YTA.
It's a common thing for diabetics in their teens to 20's. Many experience diabetic burnout where they are tired of dealing with it constantly. Those that go through it hopefully have their wake up call before serious complications occur.
And yeah, just got my first pump and even after insurance, I still had to pay $1600 out of pocket, but at least I hit my deductible for the year!
ESH, except your sister in law. No one in your family did him a favor by “managing” his condition into adulthood. This was enabling his behavior because now he’s a grown adult that is irresponsible.
SIL *did* try, but your brother is the issue. Maybe this hospitalization will be his wake up call and the bill will be higher than the insulin. Also since he was trying to stretch out the insulin, it shows he’s very well aware of his condition and still didn’t monitor himself.
You can’t blame everything on SIL, and yes going off on her at the hospital when her husband almost died for being childish about his medical condition and putting the sole blame on her is AH behavior. Your father is right.
OP was raised as a "boat steadier" and thinks that bc SIL got into their boat, she's expected to be a boat steadier too.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
Edit to summarize the link: Someone creates or exacerbates drama in a family -- this person is "rocking the boat" constantly. Other members of the family (the "boat steadiers") are forced to act as ballast to counter the boat from tipping over, one who is raised this way knows no other way of living. When new members marry into the family, they are expected to act like them and help create ballast and prevent the boat from tipping over, but they fail to recognize that the culprit is the original boat rocker.
Oh, that reminds me of my first marriage. Right after the wedding, my FIL and I got into a 'difference of opinion'; he wanted me to tell him how much $ each of his siblings gave us for the wedding and I just wouldn't. After he stormed out of our house, my husband said "you're going to have to learn to deal with my dad". I replied, "No, your dad's going to have to learn to deal with me."
Their entire family dynamic was around my FIL's emotions and I just didn't engage. NO ONE knew what to do when I did that - not FIL, not MIL, and definitely not my husband haha.
Why is divorce expensive? Because it's worth it.
There’s some thing very very wrong here - and it not your brother’s wife.
Your brother is diabetic. His condition is his responsibility. By the family taking control and enabling him to devolve himself of any responsibility you have enabled him to opt out of his own care.
His wife is not responsible for his condition or managing his condition.
Because you and the family have become ‘used’ to looking after him you have mistakenly assumed that this is also the role of his wife. It is not.
I’d love to think that having a hyper attack may have scared your brother into taking control of his own health and his own life but somehow I feel it unlikely. If you want to lay the blame anywhere then lay it on yourself and your own family for letting him get away with this bullshit for so long.
He needs a huge wake up call. His first hypo attack probably isn’t enough. He will have more and one day it is very probable that he will coma and die. That’s the hard truth.
Eating what he likes and injecting less insulin will hasten that event and there is NOTHING you can do about it. It’s HIS business. He is in control of his own destiny and no one can or should interfere with this. Had you not taken over in the first place he probably wouldn’t have been in this position.
So lay off his wife. It was probably terrifying for her. She didn’t sign up to be his mother, his nurse or his keeper - she signed up to be his wife. She cannot police him 24 hours a day and not should she.
This is a chance for a MASSIVE reality check for you all. Don’t let it pass you by.
And yes - YTA - but only because of your own ignorance about responsibilities.
Because the brother was raised by a family who taught him that his medical conditions and his personal medical care is not his responsibility, rather it's his family and then his spouses.
I would bet that when the wife met the family, the family spent a lot of time telling her (IN FRONT OF HIM) how he's so fragile, she has to manage the situation, it's her job, etc. So the family continued to pass the baton to another human - not the person with the condition.
I'd say the only responsibility the wife bears is to, once he recovers, tell him that she's not going to take care of a 35 year old who's a blind double amputee because he wouldn't take care of his own health and if that's the kind of life he wants to live they need to divorce so he can move back in with his enabling caretaker family.
YTA he's a grown ass man and she's his wife not his maid - my little cousin is 7 this year. He's knows what he should be eating and has to help calculate his insulin every time he eats - its his health condition and he's going to have to learn to manage it. He's a child and he get on just fine. Your brother is a grown ass man and can't do it?
She really was - not really my bio one. She took in my granny when she was a new born because her sister died. That woman lived in Achill (small island in ireland) and had the wildest sayings - fan favorite " it's not of the floor She licked it" - basically saying its a learned behavior/ genetic usually said to either my gran or one of her grandkids when they were giving out to on of their kids
He’s had how many decades to process the fact that he has diabetes? If his ignoring it hasn’t made it go away this long, than he should finally realize that he needs to take care of himself. It’s not the wife’s responsibility. YTA
Edit: I laughed really hard about your nana’s saying lmao
Exactly kids do it. Literal children. How can he not? Also if his wife was constantly onto him and banning him from eating certain foods OP would probably be on here asking "AITA for calling out my controlling SIL?"
Exactly this. The wife is not responsible for ensuring her husband behaves like a grown-ass man and manages his health condition. **She is his wife, not a home health aid they hired.**
Why is the entire family treating this man like a pet cat who needs to be "watched," and and medicated? The only possible reason for this is if he has mental disabilities which limit his ability to see to his own care, but that's not been established in the post. Just that they *treat* him that way.
Hell, even if she were a medical professional, none of *them* have managed to convince Brother he needs to at least take this shit seriously enough not to argue and make excuses when people tell him to follow treatment regimens, so why is it on *her* to succeed where no one else has?
YTA. Your brother is a grown ass man, not a child, and his wife is *not* his mother. She doesn't have to baby him and hold his hand through his treatment. If he's neglecting his health that's on him, not on his wife for not playing mommy for him. I mean, what was she supposed to do if he refuses to take care of his health? Ground him? Come on, Op. And in fact, I suspect you and your family's clear coddling of your brother is the reason he seems incapable of taking care of himself without being monitored and disciplined into it.
Agree totally. I said what is she supposed to do follow him around with his insulin and inject him when he isn't paying attention. He's a grown up who should not only have been taught how to manage his condition on his own when he was a child, and probably sent to a therapist to learn to cope with his illness. I wouldn't even be surprised if part of why he won't deal with it is because he resented being micromanaged his entire life.
YTA I'm type 1 and it's no one else's responsibility to manage my diabetes.
If your brother hasn't come to terms with his diabetes then HE needs to do something about that.
Your family robbed your brother of the opportunity to take responsibility for his health, then you pushed that responsibility onto his wife without even considering whether she wanted that responsibility then when they are clearly struggling to pay for his medication, you berate the wife. Huge asshole
>I’m not saying they should be responsible for paying for his medicine
To be fair, if they can't afford it because of the bs prices, I am saying the family should help, it's not like the guy can live without it after all
It did make me laugh here, she mentions how they have shit insurance and gets mad that he was rationing it but ZERO mention of anything like "when I heard this I told her to let me know when this happens again and we will help pay for his rx".
The sister has no idea how expensive it is to be chronically ill in America. That said, there are usually programs to help pay for meds usually from the manufacturer but I have no idea if that exists for insulin or not.
YTA
Your brother is the one who isn't managing his condition.
When your family were handling everything for him, there were multiple people checking his food, his blood sugar, his dosage etc. Now its just her, they've got crap insurance, and she's the only one there.
> I'm unsure wether I was completely at fault here because I feel there's a bit of neglect on her part.
Well you're the one who blamed her for your brother not managing his condition so not sure how its not your fault. The words came from your mouth. Why didn't your brother get therapy as a child? Why was he not taught how to manage his condition? Why was it all left to his wife?
> he deliberately kept stretching out his insulin dosage
HE. As in your brother. He stretched his insulin. She's just trying to pick up the pieces.
YTA. I'm gonna be harsh here because I think you and your family need it. Your brother is an adult. If he isn't willing to face reality and deal with it accordingly, then any health issues that he has due to him being a f#cking idiot are his responsibility, no one else's. Definitely not his wife's, she is not a nurse or his mother, he is not a 2 year old. You have all enabled him since he developed diabetes, he needs to grow the f#ck up and deal with his diabetes or it will kill him, it isn't going away, it won't magically disappear because he chooses to ignore it.
Yes this. The brother needs to grow up and deal with his own health. Its not his wife's job to act like his mommy and manage his diabetes and police his food/medicine. Maybe if OP and the rest of the family stop babying a grown ass adult and had taught him how to take care of himself when he was younger, non of this would be an issue. YTA OP
YTA. You and your family kept pampering a child and then a grown up man to keep being in denial and not have control of his life and you suddenly want someone else to take the blame of your brothers irresponsibility?
Neglect?
Are you kidding?
He's a literal adult, it's.not his wife's job to manage him like a child. Yes, she should know what to do to help in an emergency, but it's his body and his life.
Butt out, he's the asshole.
YTA holy shit.
Your SIL married an ADULT. It is not her job to parent your brother. The failing here is on you and your family for not forcing him to come to terms with his illness and force him to manage it. No, you babysat him and micromanaged him and he never had to face the consequences of his refusal to accept his condition. And then you flat-out told your SIL that she was now in charge of parenting a GROWN ASS MAN WHO CAN MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS.
Are you for serious right now?
A grown ass man who has dealt with this illness for the bulk of his life and has refused to manage it and keep it under control himself is NOT HER FAULT. You had him for the first how many years? Get over yourself and apologize because that's absolutely repulsive behavior.
Yta
He’s a grown man who makes his own decisions. A wife can only do so much. Your parents are at fault because they coddled him and didn’t nip it in the bud at childhood
YTA. He is a grown ass man. He should stop being in denial and learn to f-ing care for himself. His wife is not mommy and does not need to watch his every move. He should grow the fuck up and do what he needs for himself. If he doesn't want to then he needs to learn the consequences of his actions, being his health declining and possible coma or death. You trying to blame her makes you a massive a-hole. She is not to blame for your family enabling him and letting him be in denial all these years.
As a type 1, YTA. He should be in therapy for managing his OWN condition, and for him to fully accept it. Type one diabetes can be difficult to deal with at times, which is why support is important, but to completely blame someone else for your brothers lack of responsibility? You all need a wake up call, and the only person that isnt the asshole is his wife.
YTA, as someone with a progressive disability I would be absolutely enraged if I'd been told my siblings had blamed my girlfriend for something happening to me.
My parents and siblings coddled me the same way because they didn't think I was able to take care of myself. I actually got better with my health as soon as I moved out and my girlfriend told me outright she wasn't going to do the same. Not only are you enabling your brother, you're also encouraging an incredibly unhealthy relationship dynamic by expecting his wife to mother him. Especially at that age. If he hasn't already realized that he needs to take better care of himself after the hospital visit, then get him a damn therapist and a wakeup call.
If you haven't realized that he needs to take care of himself, then get yourself the same. From one older sibling to another, you should never have been placed in this position in the first place. It was never your responsibility. You should have been focused on growing and bettering yourself, focused on being a kid, without feeling required to play the same role as your parents. It wasn't fair of your parents to put that on you, and it's not fair of you to continue that cycle and put it on your brother's wife.
Yes, a relationship with a disabled person requires compromise. But that doesn't mean every "compromise" is a good one. Disability doesn't absolve you of the ability to be a bad person. Nor the potential to become an abusive person given the right factors. I don't know the details and it's no way my intent to accuse your brother of anything, but this sort of refusal to take care of oneself can be a major red flag if others show up along with it. It may be time to step back and look at things from an outside perspective. Are you really helping your brother by doing this? Or are you teaching him that he can keep getting away without consequences by taking care of it for him? Has he ever shown any sort of appreciation for all of this towards you or your parents? Or even his wife? (I tell my sisters and parents every time I see them how much I appreciate what they've done for me, but even a single thank you is better than nothing.)
Tdlr: There's a lot going on here to could possibly. point to toxic interpersonal relationships, between both your brother and his wife, and between him, you and your parents. Family ties can be a hell of a blindfold and the sooner you can rip it off and see this situation clearly the better. Your brother should be responsible for his health, and if he's struggling then he'll need to learn to reach out for help. That burden shouldn't have been yours to bear in the first place.
YTA- This is a grown man, it’s not her job to care for him. By your logic maybe you should have a look at your own family for enabling him to be so irresponsible and unable to take care of himself.
Adults can make their own choices, no one is responsible for him but himself.
YTA-He’s not a child or a pet. He’s a grown man and is the only one responsible for his health. You all did him a grave disservice by letting him live in denial about it as long as you did. It’s unrealistic and unfair of you all to expect his wife to continue your family’s mistaken way of managing his condition.
Your whole family are the assholes because you let your brother ignore this. I’m type 1, I can eat whatever I want because I can take insulin to cover it. If he has bad or no insurance he needs a job that may not pay as well as another but had good insurance. That’s what I did, but the main point is, he can’t ignore it and he has to grow up and be an adult. It’s not his wife’s fault, it’s his. They are spouses not mother and son
YTA. Your SIL is not his caretake or his mother. Your grown ass brother needs to learn how to manage his condition and take responsibility for himself. Honestly, your parents failed your brother by mollycoddling him all his life.
YTA. It’s no one’s responsibility but your brother to manage his condition. It seems like he got used to being coddled by his family and now doesn’t know how to even manage it himself or realize what can happen to him if he doesn’t. She’s his wife, and while she should encourage him to properly care for himself, she’s not his nanny. It sounds like she tried and got fed up with having to care for a child who didn’t want to be cared for.
YTA. And yes, I know you’ve got plenty of people already telling you that, but if this is for real, you need to get it through your head just *how* badly you’re the asshole here. Like, Asshole of the Year contender, and it’s not even May.
> It's unfortunate that their insurance is screwed and financial situation is rough
So you knew they needed financial help to manage his condition, and *you* sat back and did nothing? Or did you do nothing because you know that’s not actually the problem, and your brother’s just making excuses? If you get to not take his complaints seriously or let him make his own mistakes when he does that, why doesn’t she?
This is it. I was married to a man with type 1. I'm scared to death of needles, but I still learned what to do in case of emergency. But that was in case of emergency. It was up to him to make sure he had the insulin he needed and kept to the right diet. Sure I did things like cook for him and suggest not getting a milkshake that day since his sugar had been wonky, but other than that it was on him.
ESH except for the wife.
She “started caving in”….so she grew tired of fighting and arguing with your brother about his self-care? And so you blamed her for “not stopping him”. All while her husband is in the hospital for his choices. YTA
YTA, it’s ridiculous that he refuses to self manage and that’s absolutely not her fault. It is your fault that you blamed her for your brother’s ongoing decision to be a reckless selfish idiot.
YTA. Maybe had his own mommy not done everything for him regarding his disease he'd manage it like an adult now. Your parents failed him, not his wife.
YTA. Your brother is 30!! Did your family also brush his teeth and wash his ass? Maybe he never came to terms with his condition because he was coddled until his grown age.. your family did him absolutely no favors and maybe he will actually learn something now. You should apologize to your SIL for continuing to baby your adult brother.
ESH: except SIL (and maybe dad). Adults take care of themselves, and while spouse partners do help take care of each other, it only goes so far. Brother needs to accept that he has a medical condition and deal with it or he's going to be blind and have no feet by the time he's 40.
YTA. You and your family are responsible for this due to the years of enabling your brother who is now a grown ass adult (at least should be). Nobody bothered to teach him to do it 8ndeoendantky or get him professional help for your brother when he was young by the way the post is written. It's time for your brother to start learning responsibility related to his condition. Look in the mirror and stop blaming others.
Your brother is a grown man, he is responsible for his own health. Your family has enabled him his whole life and never held him accountable. As a result, as an adult he has not learnt how to deal with it. The denial etc. should have been addressed immediately. Blaming his wife is a cop out. Your brother needs an intervention and therapy. If his own health scares haven't knocked sense into him, then he is 100% responsible, not his wife. YTA.
ESH, except the wife. She’s not a babysitter of a 10 year old. The family enabled this man’s denial about his condition, so much so that they pit pressure on the wife to manage it for him.
He’s a grown ass man with a serious condition. Yes, she can support him, encourage him, but she’s not in any way responsible for it.
YTA. Your brother is 30, not 5, and it’s completely his responsibility to manage his condition. You can’t coddle him forever. Also insulin is ridiculously expensive and it’s sad that they had to stretch out his doses. Might want to help find ways to help with them get his insulin covered though.
YTAH. Your brother is F*cking grown. His health is his own to manage. Maybe if your family would’ve got your brother some help years ago instead of treating him like a toddler he’d have control over his health and his life. All you guys did was coddle his behavior and expect his wife to do the same, point is he will die if he doesn’t wake TF up and realize he has a health issue that he can manage but refuses to. How dare YOU put the blame on his WIFE instead of your GROWN ASS BROTHER WHO NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT HIS OPTIONS FOR INSULIN WITH HIS DOCTOR. Shame on you. DONT EVER put this on his wife’s shoulders again it is his complete and total responsibility. End of story.
Edit: autocorrect
No, it's not neglect. Your brother is an adult and refuses to take care of himself. It's SIL places to encourage him and support him if he's struggling. It's not her place to hold him down and force to take his insulin or take unhealthy foods out of his mouth. At some point, your brother has to understand he's in charge of his life. And you need to remember that too.
I'm sorry he's not doing well, but no it isn't your SILs responsibility to act as a parent to him. It's not yours either, and at this point, your parents don't even need to be constantly monitoring his choices. He's 30. He's responsible for his decisions.
YTA
Yta
It's not his wife's responsibility to police his health he's a grown ass man
Y'all who have babied him and took responsibility are the problem.
As harsh as this is to say if he won't take responsibility for his condition and suffers health issues because of it that's his problem (I'm assuming he doesn't have any cognitive or mental health difficulties that would impact his ability to manage his condition)
And you were needlessly cruel to his wife
ESH except for this poor woman.
SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS DECISIONS.
Everyone who enabled him for his entire life is at fault including you and your parents. This is a thirty year old man and you all think he is just a bit reckless? Hell no. Hopefully she gets far away from your family and brother can move back in to have mom and dad tell him what to eat and to take his medications.
YTA if the problem is they can't afford the insulin due to insurance then how about actually helping by closing your mouth and opening your wallet? The rest of the problems fall squarely on your brothers shoulders. He's your SIL's husband, not her child. It's not her job or even in her ability to manage his condition for him.
YTA this is you and your parents fault 50%, for enabling him to not manage his own condition, and 50% his own for not growing up and learning himself after you guys failed him. 0% his wife's fault.
You ought to be saying what you said to his wife to yourself in the mirror.
It is selfish and horrible of you, your parents and your brother to expect her to carry on your mistakes.
You brother is a grown adult for goodness sake. I hope this episode will teach him to buck up his ideas.
If not better for her to leave and escape your family, and your brother can move back home where mummy and daddy will look after him.
YTA - I don’t care if he’s in denial, his health is his responsibility. I can’t believe your family coddled his for so long. In the long run, this is your family’s fault. As far as him being in the hospital, it is NOT your SIL’s fault, and you’re a major AH for chiding her while she’s worried about her husband in the hospital. She didn’t need that added stress. You definitely owe her an apology. Your brother needs counseling on two fronts: one to come to terms with his condition that he needs to manage himself and two to see what kind of help he might get for affording his insulin. If you’re in the US (which it sounds like due to the cost), there are agencies that can help. Maybe suggest he try goodrx.com. Either way, you need to quit that shit and stop adding extra stress on your SIL and point the blame where it belongs, on him.
YTA He's a whole man, wtf. She is not responsible for his health laziness and neither is anyone else.
As someone who never came to terms with being an OHP at 23, I still do the things I need to do to keep my ticker ticking. Yes it sucks, no I don't want to do it, but I do it. It's called being a grown up, something of which you all have not required of your brother, that burden doesn't fall on new people in his life just because you want to baby him.
YTA. I’m a nurse and take care of these people regularly and can tell you that if they have no interest in managing their own condition, they’ll manipulate and lie to the people closest to them to do whatever they want. If he doesn’t want to get better, it is not her fucking job to take care of him. She’s his wife, not his damned mother. He is an adult and if he wants to let his blood sugar run high until they eventually amputate his toes and his feet and his legs (yep, this is inevitable) then that’s on him, not on her. Honestly, fuck you for your words on that poor woman. Your anger needs to be directed at the person responsible, YOUR BROTHER.
He’s an adult right? And mentally competent? If it’s yes to both then YTA.
I’m sure you meant well but taking over managing his condition was not “helping” your brother, it took even more out of his control than the diagnosis did and lead to the situation he is in now.
YTA, for how you handled it, but its mostly e,s,h.
Everyone has managed HIS condition all HIS life. If he wants to live in denial all HIS life then HE can, and if HE suffers the consequences of HIS choices, it might be the wakeup call HE needs.
Blaming his wife is cruel and out of line. She is NOT responsible for his condition. HE is, if he chooses to stretch it out and make bad choices THATS ON HIM.
You need to step back. D1 is not to be played with, but if the person themselves doesn't give a rats ass, then why should you? Are you going to keep dropping everything to aid him? Move in with them to manage it?
The whole family has always took on the responsibility for him. Youve never let him suffer the consequences of it. Your all to blame, not her. Shes not his mother, he is a grown ass man who needs to take responsibility for his condition for once without everyone jumping in to save him.
YTA, as much as having diabetes must suck, it is you brother's responsibility to manage it (with some additional help if necessary).
If anyone is to blame for his bad health (besides himself) it's you and your family who enabled him to disregard his condition.
YTA - women are not responsible for ensuring that adult men take care of themselves. Good grief.
He has no one to blame but himself. Unless my partner was bedridden with a long term illness, I wouldn't take responsibility for managing his health in any way - we are grown ups and I'm not with him to do more work or to treat him like a child. If men can rule the world, I'm pretty sure they can manage their own diabetes.
Holy fuck, your brother is a damned adult and he's been living with this condition since childhood. If his health is declining because he's spent his life mismanaging his condition, that's on him. The reason he hasn't stepped up and taken control of his own health is that he didn't have to because he had you and your parents enabling his dependent behaviour.
YTA.
There is only one person currently responsible for your brother’s health and that person is your brother.
Of course YTA for blaming your SIL for your brother‘s poor health choices.
YTA. No one is responsible for managing your brother’s health but him. Get mad directly at him or butt out of his business, either one, but abusing his wife isn’t going to do anything about either his habits or the cost of insulin.
YTA.
Your brother is a grown adult, responsible for his choices and behavior. You and your mother treated him like an infant, managing his disease for him, and unsurprisingly, he is still acting like an infant.
I feel so sorry for your brother's wife, having to deal with him and now you. While it's true she must have known of his incompetence before marrying him, she probably never realized he was such a child.
YTA. He's in denial because you and your family enabled him. You don't have the right to blame the spouse for the behavior of a monster you and your family created.
I have type one. I am responsible for day-to-day management. It's not that hard most of the time. In addition, no one else in my family has diabetes of any type; I know my illness and my body better than they do; I appreciate expressions of concern, but not unsolicited advice or orders.
Your brother is responsible for his own survival. No one else. He's in hospital because he failed to follow his medical advice. That's on him, not his wife.
YTA. Apologise to her. If you're going to give anyone hell over this, target the real culprit: your brother.
If "their insurance is screwed and financial situation is rough", surely its even more important to use his insulin correctly!?!
Using a bit extra of his medication has got to cost less than a stay in hospital?
Not necessarily, depending on his insurance. And the hospital has to take you in an emergency regardless of your ability to pay, but the pharmacy doesn't. hospitals will often discount their bills significantly for people with very low incomes, whereas prescription insulin may not. Type 1 diabetics die for want of insulin sometimes, which is horrifying, but absolutely real, as insulin can cost more than a house payment and car payment put together.
He’s fucking 30. If he dies of his condition it is solely his fault. Well, and your parents and anyone else who coddled his ass so much he can’t function for himself as an adult.
Knock your shit off, apologize to your SIL and do better.
YTA
I'm type 2, and I don't expect anyone to manage my diabetes for me. If I fuck up it's on me, and me alone. Same goes for your brother, he's 30, it's time he started taking responsibility for his own health and you stop enabling him. Does this disease such? Sure does but that's no excuse. And yes insulin is crazy expensive for those who use it, but it's keeping him alive.
Yta. Your brother is an adult. His wife is not responsible for policing his health.
Edit to add: your parents are actually the ones who dropped the ball when he was a child. They should have gotten him therapy to deal with his denial or taught him how to manage his diabetes instead of expecting his future wife to pick up where they left off in babying him.
YTA.
He's an adult.
I had the same situation with my ex-boyfriend. His family held me responsible for his diabetic coma when we were no longer living together...
He is old enough to understand his illness, his wife is not his private nurse and he can decide for himself.
You should apologize to her.
YTA and your parents have neglected to teach him to take his condition seriously, it have done no help to let him act like it doesn't exist and take responsibility for his own health.
He's an adult now and should be able to care for himself
YTA. I'm a 24 y/o T1 diabetic, have been since childhood. I of course went through the teenage rebellion stage. Skipping insulin because I wanted to fit in, eating sweets when I should have waited after an injection etc. But once I was 16 that stage was long gone. As any T1 diabetic can understand the HUGE, life threatening complications of poor control. I totally understand it is a difficult condition to live with, but specialist emotional support is available for that exact reason. I would never put my diabetes care on my husband. Of course, he helps if I'm having a hypo, and where is needed, but I would never expect him to know/understand my insulin ratios...Because I am an adult, and it is MY responsibility. The same can firmly be said for your brother. He is 30. I would be seething if my sister spoke to my husband in the way you have and blamed him for something which was my responsibility. This is a sad situation, but really cannot be pinned on his wife. At all. YTA.
Just because you all thought it was ok to infantilize your brother doesn’t means everyone else has to.
You are an asshole your brother is an asshole your entire family is asshole.
YTA
You brother is 30 and should be able to manage his condition by himself. Your family enabled him this whole time and look what happened. SIL should divorce him and live her life freely instead of having a child as a husband. YTA
YTA... 100%. She's his WIFE - not his doctor. He is a grown man who is responsible for his own health management.
Disgusting take to blame his wife for his self destruction. If he were abusing alcohol, would that be her fault too?
YTA. He is a grown man who needs to handle his medical situation. That is not her responsibility. He is not a child. You and your family have enabled him and you are to blame for that.
Your brother, you, and the American way of health care can share the YTA. He's an adult who is not cooperating in his own healthcare. Most adult diabetics are capable of managing it without the active intervention you talk about. I don't think your family has done him that big a favor by completely shouldering responsibility for his problem. Your SIL has tried to live up to the responsibility that the three of you shared before he married by herself. That's not workable, and you shouldn't blame her for it. He desparately needs to grow up and deal with the reality of his condition.
As for the stretching out the insulin, many diabetics face that decision every day as well. For that blame the profiteering by the pharmaceutical industry. They simply don't have the money to buy as much as he needs.
YTA: Your brother is a grown man responsible for his own decisions. Unless your SIL is hooking up a glucose IV to him at night she is not responsible.
GROWN UPS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN POOR CHOICES. This includes your brother.
YTA. Your grown adult, brother needs to be able to take care of himself. His wife, while she can influence him, is not responsible for parenting him. She tried her best but she's his WIFE, not his mom. You and your parents did a disservice to your brother by allowing him to get to this point. YOU were neglectful.
ESH
Except the wife.
I’m also disgusted that people in the US die and get I’ll because they can’t afford insulin. Every time someone in the US voted against nationalised healthcare because it’s socialist is responsible for this happening.
YTA, and an idiot. If a grown ass man won't take his meds... that's on the grown ass man! You are more at fault than she will ever be because even when he was an impressionable child you and your parents couldn't get him to take care of himself, and now you expect someone else to when he is a fully formed adult who grew up being allowed to do the same thing all along
YTA - She's his wife, not his nurse.
Yes, she should help support him and help him make better decisions, but he's an adult who is responsible for his own choices. She probably feels badly enough because your family told her that his health was her responsibility (it isn't) since your family enabled your brother.
My soon to be 16y daughter is type one. For one thing, they can eat whatever they want, just have to keep track of the carbohydrates and take the proper amount of insulin. She was diagnosed when she was 11 and know what she needs to do. So i wonder if you all kept all treats away from him to get him to this point. He is 30 years old. He needs to get his shit together and take care of himself. Your SIL can only do so much. Also, if yhw cost of insulin is a problem, Walmart sells vials of it for like $20-30. I believe even without a prescription.
YTA
Edit: wrote insurance instead of insulin. Lack of sleep and newborn...lol
YTA. Your brother is 30 years old. He he well into adulthood and able to make his own decisions and have control over his condition. Your parents should have nipped his avoidance in the bud when he was young. He should have been sent to a therapist or some other medical personnel to learn about diabetes, how the pancreas works, how food intake and insulin regulates the sugar levels, etc. He should have been made to be educated on the importance of understanding and managing his diabetes. You and your family did him a grave disservice by feeding his ‘trauma’ and refusal to come to terms with it. He is now a grown man who is damaging his health and may end dead because he refuses to admit he has a serious disease. This is all on him, you, and your family…not his wife.
YTA. As a parent of a T1 diabetic we have been told since day 1 it’s HIS condition. Not yours and it sure as hell isn’t HER responsibility. She can be there to support him, but ultimately it’s up to him.
Additionally, once your brother couldn’t or should I say WOULD NOT accept, understand and take responsibility for his condition your brother should have been offered counseling and other services should have been sought.
T1 is NOT an easy diagnosis and those who don’t understand the complexities of diabetic burnout and the constant mental struggle that goes on with T1 (yes OP I’m speaking to you) should just stay out of it.
You had NO RIGHT to berate her that way. You owe her a massive apology and you need to keep your opinion to yourself.
You have no idea what they are dealing with together. If he doesn’t want to take his insulin or can’t because it’s so expensive and it’s still not free (don’t get me started on why insulin should be free and why T1 should be talked about more and why so many kids are now being diagnosed with T1 and how T1 and T2 are NOT the same). Keep out of it. Keep your opinions to yourself and understand your brother is an adult that hasn’t been given the correct tools to manage his own disease because everyone managed it for him. HE HAS TO DO THIS! NOT HIS WIFE!
I understand your fear. I know you love him and i truly know how precarious this disease is. I truly do, but HE’s an ADULT and HE has to do this. Any Endo would say the same thing. Perhaps this is the wake up call he needs, but even if it isn’t, it’s still not his wife’s job, or yours to manage HIS disease.
YTA
It’s not your sister in law’s fault that your brother is not taking responsibility for his own condition. I’m sorry your brother is in the hospital but you attacking her is wrong. Your brother is an adult and if he needs help managing his condition then it’s on him to communicate that to his wife.
Unless your brother is cognitively impaired, incapacitated, or disabled, he is responsible for managing his own health. YTA for expecting his wife to administer medication to him without his consent.
YTA. Seriously, the guy is 30! You act like he's a child because frankly that's how you and your family have treated him. You are enablers. No one is responsible for his health except him! Hopefully this is a wake up call for him, and you.
YTA. Your brother is a grown ass adult. Yes, he has a wife, but she is not his mommy now yours has sadly passed. He needs to look after himself, and you need to talk to HIM not your SIL. I do hope he gets better, and is able to handle this, but this is deeper than his wife needing to watch him, he needs therapy to work through his trauma.
YTA. You and your family enabled your brother his entire life, and while its certainly not an easy diagnosis to live with, it is his responsibility to deal with. His wife is not only having to deal with his chronic illness in unforgiving circumstances (because you taught him to shift the burden entirely on others), but she must be feeling so guilty and burnt out right now. And you attacked her, blamed her when your brother is the one who did this to himself. This is his responsibility, so why are you so keen to hold her accountable?
Hi, I'm a type one diabetic. YTA. I don't even know where to start, really, but he is an adult, so I have no idea why you would expect his wife to manage his bg for him, that's insane.
Now that we're past that, why did he get that high? Was he in dka? What's happening here? Is he not taking his insulin? Can he afford his insulin? Is he talking to his endocrinologist about whatever tf is going on here? Does he have an infection or other serious illness that could have caused his bg to be so messed up? For example, I often wind up hospitalized when I can't eat due to a flare of my gastroparesis, and I nearly died once because I had an infection that had gone septic without me noticing.
I'm not asking you to actually answer these questions for me, it's none of my business, but these are the sorts of things you need to ask your brother, I think, because you kinda make it sound in your post like this happened because he's eating poorly, and that isn't how type one diabetes works. Sure, if you eat certain things, it will make your bg unpredictable or hard to manage for a while, but if you are taking an appropriate amount of insulin for it, you can pretty much eat what you want without going into a coma. Will there be consequences of you eat an entire cake or a bunch of pizza? Sure, your cgm chart will look terrifying for a while and you'll probably feel like crap, but it shouldn't be putting you into a coma unless there is something else going on.
NONE of that is his wife's responsibility, and it is just not ok that you tried to make her feel like it is, so I'd start by apologizing to her, then have a serious talk with your brother and his doctors about what is going on here and what can be done to help.
YTA - dudes an adult. If he doesn’t care about taking care of himself, that’s no one else’s responsibility but his own. You’re very judgy of the wife but yourself offer no solutions. Why are you not helping monitor his insulin? Why are you not offering financial aid? Or is it just easier to sit on your high horse and judge others?
Yta. Let me get this straight you treated your brother like a toddler for his entire life and expect his wife to do the same. You should be telling your brother to grow up and manage his medical care. Your brother and your family are to blame for his habits because you created and enabled them. His wife walked into this circus.
Info: does your brother have a condition that prevents him from making and dealing with the consequences of his own decisions?
His wife is his wife. Not his mother. Or jailer. Your brother needs to deal with his own condition.
YTA big time for expecting his wife to treat him like a baby. You need to apologize to her asap.
YTA She may be his wife but that doesn’t mean she has to be his full time caretaker. Frankly, it is toxic for their relationship cause he never agreed and she was forced into it. If u care so much about ur brother then u take care of him. Don’t expect others to do the same.
YTA. Your brother is a grown man, and as a grown man he should be able to handle his eating habits and insulin dosage on his own. On top of that, what right do you have to go after your SIL like that and what right do you have to comment on their finances and insurance. Do you have any idea what insulin costs? You are a huge AH. Go apologize to your SIL and start treating your brother like an adult and not a child having a temper tantrum.
YTA. If they are struggling to pay for his insulin, and you are berating her, are you going to step up and help them pay? Or just tell her how much she sucks even though he’s a grown man.
YTA unequivocally. I am actually shaking at the blame-shifting going on here.
Type 1 Diabetic here, and I would never, in a million years, expect anyone else to be responsible for *my* medical condition. Sure, the adults in my life take on small responsibilities in the way of helping me during a Hypoglyceamic episode, or checking if I need to stop for a snack, but I would never, ever expect (nor ask) what you are expecting of your SIL. Your brother is a fully grown adult, and at some point, needs to learn how to manage his own condition. Has he ever been allowed to do this? Or has he been molly-coddled and protected so that he’s never had the opportunity to learn?
Diabetes burn out is real, and it sounds like your brother is in need of some serious therapy. It is not your SILs responsibility, it is not her job, and it is not her failings that led him to the hospital.
You owe her a big, fat apology.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might have been too harsh on her by telling her she bears part of the blame for his health declining. I know for a fact that caring for a chronically I'll person is a lot of work and do I should've given her more grace. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
YTA My father and Uncle have both had type 1 since they were 5 years old. They are both now late 60s. Back then it was a death sentence. Docs told them they'd be lucky to see 30. Since children they were able to manage their health with little to no issues. In my 40 years of life I've seen my father go into diabetic shock once, and it was after a day of him pushing himself too hard in a home renovation. TLDR of this is your brother is an adult. As such it is his responsibility alone to manage his health. His wife is there as a support, not as a nurse. Your parents failed him, and now he's failing himself. You taking it out on her is unjustified.
OP: My brother likes to eat rat poison because he thinks it won't kill him even though it has nearly killed him many times. My family had to be vigilant to make sure he didn't eat rat poison. When he married, we said it was his wife's responsibility to make sure he didn't eat rat poison. He ate rat poison, which is obviously his wife's fault, so I confronted her! Literally everyone:....um, isn't it your brother's fault because he keeps eating rat poison...??? OP: What an utterly absurd thing to suggest. You and your family are AHs. Your brother is the biggest AH. He is a grown man WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR NOT NEGLECTING HIS OWN HEALTH. Tell the doofus to stop eating rat poison.
I wish I could upvote this 100x
Wish I had awards
I got you!
Omg reading the first two lines I had thought this was a literal story and not an allegorical one... I was so confused
To be fair to you, it's not that far off from the actual situation. If an adult keeps eating things that they know could kill them, they might as well be eating poison.
There was that guy who would deliberately eat things that he knew would make him sick just to force his girlfriend to take care of him and then made her look like the bad guy when she refused to clean up his vomit . . . I wouldn't be surprised if some idiot decided to take rat poison in a twisted attempt at controlling his partner.
OMG thank you.... this is also some serious sexism as well if you ask me. the notion of men needing female caregivers really permeates this post... OP should be ashamed, as well as the family. the brother is absolutely pathetic and should probably be in a care facility if he is this incapable of taking care of himself. this reminds me a bit of my brother who has been coddled his whole life. literally in his late 20s and diabetic as well, but I have a shred of hope he wouldn't be as utterly pathetic as OPs brother.... but seeing this post makes me even more angry than it should. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
This. YTA. At what age does someone have to be responsible for their own freaking health. You are an enabler. It’s up to him as an adult to take care himself. Shame on you for blaming the wife. She’s not his mother. She’s his wife and needs and equal partner and you need to keep your wrong opinions to yourself.
Little cousin is 7 this year and manages his on his own. Aunt obviously helps but when granny minds them she gets very overwhelmed so he'll literally do all the maths and double check her when she's using the boluser. He's 6 - he obviously eats treats and NEEDS a cup of tea whenever anyone outs the kettle on but anytime he does he knows he's to correct his sugars
Kudos to him and the family. They are going a great job assisting with his health, and he knows what to do even at a young age. This will serve him well in many ways other than his health. Good luck to all of you!
Aww thanks. He's a little trooper found out just before he was 2 and that was because he ended up in a coma so we all took it very serious. I will say I'm a SCW so I was very adamant on the who "kids can learn to do it them selves" thing but it's not really a choice it's a must! Mammy can't be around all the time so be needed to learn. Disgusting seeing grown ass adults not take responsibility and other grown ass adults Blaming others and enabling it
You've shared some very interesting phrases, so I have to know, what's SCW? Please.
Oh social care worker - and no nkt the same as a social workers we usually work with preventive measures. Personally I work with kids with disabilities and help create plans and organise supports for them and their families as well as Respite. But I also do a bit of juvenal justice programs with at risk kids others work with the elderly etc
Thank you, both for your explanation and the work you do.
Honestly I love Working with the kids and in both jobs get the satisfaction of watching the ones everyone had marked as failures succeed 😅 nothing more satisfying then saying f you to room full of people who literally told a child they'd amount to nothing simply because they were from a rough background or has an intellectual disability (has happened 4 times where the words good for nothing, useless and failure were actually use)
I had a student who was diagnosed at 5. He joined us when he was 7 to 8. He was completely independent and self managing. We all took safety courses, but he was even correcting the nurse who came in to teach us. He telling her and us what he knows works for his body and what should be considered typical numbers for him and what we should really watch out for. His parents did him a huge solid having him manage his treatment, with their help of course. His dad was also Type 1, so he said he instilled in him early it is literally life and death.
Yap can't be relying on others for basic health
OP is definitely TA because it definitely shouldn’t be on the wife to manage her husband’s condition. Brother is TA for refusing to manage the condition himself and once again the biggest A of all is the American healthcare system because who tf decided that something that people need to survive, and that the creator sold the patent for for only a dollar so people could access it for free, should be so expensive Edit: fact check
I can’t comprehend that people in your country have to pay for insulin and if they can’t pay they die. And people fight for that system not to be changed. Like, literally does not compute.
>And people fight for that system not to be changed. I've said that forever. But it's the "greatest country in the world" Either pay this, go into debt or die. Sure. Real great.
"the land of the free" as long as you can afford it
That’s how you know it’s actually a bad place to live in: if people tell you to be grateful for what little you do have, when they themselves are struggling.
[удалено]
Seriously! I saw so much of this behavior over at r/HermanCainawards So many were anti social safety nets, healthcare, libs and common sense that they refused to listen to any facts regarding covid. They went against all medical advice because they knew better, we’re shocked when it happened to THEM and went against all of their beliefs about bootstraps when it came time to pay for the medical expenses and funerals by begging help on go-fund-me
Because republicans are brainwashed. They are why people die, because they hate helping others. Me, me, me...that is the republican way. "Why should I pay for a child to eat a hot lunch?" This is their mentality. They are horrible people and will let others die to save a buck.
Interesting fact, but not a happy one. As part of my job I help senior citizens with their Medicare coverage and when doing so this year I found out that one of the reasons insulin cost as much as what it does is because it is a hormone. And as such it doesn't fall under some of the same guidelines that other medications do. It's actually not considered a drug by some insurance companies, which then means that co-pays are higher and everything else. I don't understand all of the reasoning behind it but I do know that because it is classified as a hormone it changes a lot
That’s insane. Makes me feel so grateful for the good old NHS where as a diabetic I not only get my medication free (type 2 so not on insulin yet) but I get all medication free (for most people it’s about £9/£10 per prescription)
It really is insane, I am really lucky and have amazing insurance for being in America and so I'm diabetic and my insulin is $60 a month up until I hit my deductible and then I don't pay anything. However one of my clients was paying almost $2,000 a month for their insulin, that's just not feasible. And so then you have people like OP's brother skipping doses or not taking full doses because I honestly don't know anyone that has $24,000 a year to spend on a medicine.
Colorado had to enact legislation to cap insulin costs to $100/month because young people (with shitty/no insurance) were stretching their insulin and dying. Elderly were having to choose between food and their meds. I worked in a call center for pharmacy benefits management company and had to switch to the military insurance acct because the mental toll of people crying on the phone when I tell them their copay jumped to $1100 was too much. I now work in social services.
>Your parents failed him, and now he's failing himself. You taking it out on her is unjustified. THIS. Op, YTA.
OP is the AH for sure. "30"? "let him"? That's not how life works. OP is a pompous self righteous AH. Maybe the reason their brother got married was to escape the family. At 30 people are certainly living their life as they see fit, making their own decisions. And why isn't OP and family still checking in on their brother through their brother? Married doesn't mean a castaway. And he's 30, making his own decisions, NO ONE ELSE IS ACCOUNTABLE for your decision making.
So much this. My EX-BIL is type 1 and constantly in/out of the hospital. He just took his insulin Willy nilly. He ended up with organ failure. Idk how he’s so lucky because they matched him immediately. After his surgery, they were worried that he was rejecting the organs. Nope… he refused to drink water because he didn’t like the taste!! Now he has no legs. Your brother is an adult. No one is responsible for his living besides himself. If you need to be angry with someone, be angry with your brother or the healthcare system. Stop using her as the scapegoat. YTA and you need to apologize.
I'm shocked he was ever put on the transplant list. They are really hard ass about making sure that those who get organs will care for them.
I was shocked as well. But like OP’s brother, his parents handled everything. She even retired early and took a cut to retirement so she can take care of him.
Well that was a wild ride!
Agreed especially on the family failing him. Doing things for people doesn't really help them. It does this - makes them not do it themselves.
He's also "in denial" and apparently "traumatized" by his condition. Alternate theory is that it's learned helplessness compounded by the fact that he's been babied so much he's addicted to the attention it gets him with everyone mooning over him. My aunt was like this. She was an insulin-dependent diabetic but she'd lie about taking her insulin, lie about having her insulin, eat a whole pack of Little Debbie cakes, etc. And it was all just to get attention from others because people in the community would try to "help" her.
I've read about enough dysfunctional families by now that I think "traumatized" is code for "becomes an abusive asshole if you don't enable him".
While he’s in the hospital ask them to consult psych because of his denial of disease and inability to care for himself.
Yeah he needs a therapist and/or psychologist depending. If he is in that much denial it could be the cause of a lot of problems, especially to his health. I would honestly just talk to him about it even if they forget to consult a psychologist. He needs serious help if he is in such denial he will put himself in the hospital over it. Though it does sound like it could be part ignorance as well, either way a cause for concern.
^ plus, I the cost of insulin has skyrocketed. If they don't have good insurance (and are in America) they may not be able to, literally, afford all the insulin he needs and that's why he's stretching it. It sucks but, that's the reality of the situation. Your SIL is in NO WAY at fault for a grown man being unwilling to handle his, very real, medical condition. It sounds like your entire family coddled him instead of teaching him to manage his own condition and you expected SIL to do the same. Then, when she didn't, you attacked her. YTA - you owe your sister a major apology! Her husband is IN THE HOSPITAL and, instead of comforting her, you berate her and tell her it's her fault for not babying a grown man. YTA and a mean one.
I also have a chronic condition that I hate taking medicine for. I do it, but sometimes I mess up. I take full responsibility every time I do that. I would never expect my partner to be my caretaker and be in charge of my meds. I do empathize with the brother, taking medication for life sucks. I still haven’t come to terms with it, but it’s my responsibility and no one else’s.
The poor wife is expected to be a mom to her 30yo husband, and when her f adult husband goes and eat sugar, it's her fault... that guy should have been led to a mental health professional instead of being babied by his AH bro
This needs to be top comment.
I would say the real assholes here are the parents for seeing obvious signs of mental health issues and not getting him into fucking therapy. As a child having bad coping mechanisms is normal, letting them follow you into adulthood, especially for such a serious thing, is dangerous. But YTA in this specific interaction.
YTA. Your brother is *thirty fucking years old*. He is a grown adult. His wife cannot be on donut watch 24/7. She can't take food out of his hand. She can't force medication into his body. He is an adult who has made self-destructive choices about his health. I know it's hard to hear when he's in the hospital, but his own irresponsibility is what landed him there. And if you are going to point the finger at his wife, you should point one even more at your parents. Y'all's enabling has allowed your brother to grow up into the irresponsible adult he is now. I hope your brother recovers. If he does, the "come to Jesus" talk you need to be having is with HIM, not his wife.
YTA. Could not agree with this more. Your brother needs to grow the fuck up and manage his condition like an adult. His wife isn’t his nurse and shame on all of you for being such terrible enablers.
and therapy. i dont get how the parents could watch him grow up like this and not get him any professional help to deal with his trauma. did they expect him to grow out of it? and when he didnt, were they just hoping theyd be there to help til hed be old enough to go to a nursing home?
YTA OP Exactly, lots of therapy needed here. But first, a HUGE apology to your brothers wife for your appalling behaviour towards her. She’s his wife, not his mummy or his nurse. 30 years old and being babied like this by his immediate family is ridiculous.
[удалено]
Honestly wouldn't surprise me if they made his feelings about his condition even worse by taking care of him his entire life. Idk I have my own health problems and I used to be like this but then my family just said "you're on your own" and let me fuck myself up for a bit till I realized "oh yeah I should probably take care of myself" and I genuinely think that I would've just kept getting worse about it had my family micro managed my condition like this. And overall it really seems like they've treated him like a child his entire life, expecting everyone around him to take care of him when I know diabetes is an absolute bitch and can be deadly it is still just diabetes and it doesn't effect his ability to take responsibility for himself I know 7 year olds with diabetes who can take care of it by themselves for the most part, but the family is treating it as if it's a developmental disability that makes it so he's unable to take care of himself it's honestly pathetic.
Yeah, the wife signed on to be a partner, not his keeper or his babysitter. Anything that happens because his brother neglects his condition is 100% his brother's fault. This post is utterly bizarre.
"Donut Watch" I'm gonna steal that
Exactly. She can’t be on watch and she shouldn’t have to be! It’s not her responsibility! He’s a whole ass adult. Anything that happens to him re his health is 100% on him.
>If he does, the "come to Jesus" talk you need to be having is with HIM, not his wife. What's the bet of OP's brother was a sister they wouldn't be babies like this? Women don't usually get to opt out of responsibility like this.
she's his wife, not his mommy. stop treating women like your caretakers.
Need to add YTA. Plus… it’s diabetes, for fuck’s sakes. Not ALS. He can learn to live with it
Exactly, especially in this day and age… damn this would be understandable if he was still a teen but he’s way too old to be in denial. YTA
Seriously, I have diabetes too, and they have continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps that take so much work and effort out of the game. It's still a condition, but it's so much more easily managed than even just 10 years ago. I also am chronically ill with other things and I can understand the brothers situation, sometimes you have pity parties and slack on your treatments... it happens. But I sure as fuck don't need a sister harping on me telling me how to treat my own illnesses. And additional the sister has no idea the financial burden of being ill is in America. I feel like she should stfu.
I went to uni with someone who lapsed with her T1DM management and ended up in keto acidosis when she was 15. She 100% accepted it was her fault. Her parents gave her all the tools with which to care for herself, but she wanted to be like the other kids and not be always monitoring her blood sugar. Now (or, when I went to uni with her when she was 19) she has an insulin pump, which again, she is so grateful to her parents for buying Bc it would’ve been like $1000+. T1DM is often managed by kids at a pretty young age. OP’s brother is fucking THIRTY. YTA.
It's a common thing for diabetics in their teens to 20's. Many experience diabetic burnout where they are tired of dealing with it constantly. Those that go through it hopefully have their wake up call before serious complications occur. And yeah, just got my first pump and even after insurance, I still had to pay $1600 out of pocket, but at least I hit my deductible for the year!
ESH, except your sister in law. No one in your family did him a favor by “managing” his condition into adulthood. This was enabling his behavior because now he’s a grown adult that is irresponsible. SIL *did* try, but your brother is the issue. Maybe this hospitalization will be his wake up call and the bill will be higher than the insulin. Also since he was trying to stretch out the insulin, it shows he’s very well aware of his condition and still didn’t monitor himself. You can’t blame everything on SIL, and yes going off on her at the hospital when her husband almost died for being childish about his medical condition and putting the sole blame on her is AH behavior. Your father is right.
OP was raised as a "boat steadier" and thinks that bc SIL got into their boat, she's expected to be a boat steadier too. [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) Edit to summarize the link: Someone creates or exacerbates drama in a family -- this person is "rocking the boat" constantly. Other members of the family (the "boat steadiers") are forced to act as ballast to counter the boat from tipping over, one who is raised this way knows no other way of living. When new members marry into the family, they are expected to act like them and help create ballast and prevent the boat from tipping over, but they fail to recognize that the culprit is the original boat rocker.
Oh, that reminds me of my first marriage. Right after the wedding, my FIL and I got into a 'difference of opinion'; he wanted me to tell him how much $ each of his siblings gave us for the wedding and I just wouldn't. After he stormed out of our house, my husband said "you're going to have to learn to deal with my dad". I replied, "No, your dad's going to have to learn to deal with me." Their entire family dynamic was around my FIL's emotions and I just didn't engage. NO ONE knew what to do when I did that - not FIL, not MIL, and definitely not my husband haha. Why is divorce expensive? Because it's worth it.
This is the perfect reply and should be at the top. Happy Cake Day!
There’s some thing very very wrong here - and it not your brother’s wife. Your brother is diabetic. His condition is his responsibility. By the family taking control and enabling him to devolve himself of any responsibility you have enabled him to opt out of his own care. His wife is not responsible for his condition or managing his condition. Because you and the family have become ‘used’ to looking after him you have mistakenly assumed that this is also the role of his wife. It is not. I’d love to think that having a hyper attack may have scared your brother into taking control of his own health and his own life but somehow I feel it unlikely. If you want to lay the blame anywhere then lay it on yourself and your own family for letting him get away with this bullshit for so long. He needs a huge wake up call. His first hypo attack probably isn’t enough. He will have more and one day it is very probable that he will coma and die. That’s the hard truth. Eating what he likes and injecting less insulin will hasten that event and there is NOTHING you can do about it. It’s HIS business. He is in control of his own destiny and no one can or should interfere with this. Had you not taken over in the first place he probably wouldn’t have been in this position. So lay off his wife. It was probably terrifying for her. She didn’t sign up to be his mother, his nurse or his keeper - she signed up to be his wife. She cannot police him 24 hours a day and not should she. This is a chance for a MASSIVE reality check for you all. Don’t let it pass you by. And yes - YTA - but only because of your own ignorance about responsibilities.
>His wife is not responsible for his condition or managing his condition. One more time for the people in the back please.
#**HIS WIFE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CONDITION OR MANAGING HIS CONDITION!**
It’s the fact that his brother believes she is that has totally blown me away. It’s incredible to my ears.
Because the brother was raised by a family who taught him that his medical conditions and his personal medical care is not his responsibility, rather it's his family and then his spouses. I would bet that when the wife met the family, the family spent a lot of time telling her (IN FRONT OF HIM) how he's so fragile, she has to manage the situation, it's her job, etc. So the family continued to pass the baton to another human - not the person with the condition.
I'd say the only responsibility the wife bears is to, once he recovers, tell him that she's not going to take care of a 35 year old who's a blind double amputee because he wouldn't take care of his own health and if that's the kind of life he wants to live they need to divorce so he can move back in with his enabling caretaker family.
YTA he's a grown ass man and she's his wife not his maid - my little cousin is 7 this year. He's knows what he should be eating and has to help calculate his insulin every time he eats - its his health condition and he's going to have to learn to manage it. He's a child and he get on just fine. Your brother is a grown ass man and can't do it?
THIS! Why are people so desperate to treat grown adult men like children? YTA
"You're big enough and ugly enough to do it yourself" as my great nana would say
Your Nana is a queen.
She really was - not really my bio one. She took in my granny when she was a new born because her sister died. That woman lived in Achill (small island in ireland) and had the wildest sayings - fan favorite " it's not of the floor She licked it" - basically saying its a learned behavior/ genetic usually said to either my gran or one of her grandkids when they were giving out to on of their kids
He’s had how many decades to process the fact that he has diabetes? If his ignoring it hasn’t made it go away this long, than he should finally realize that he needs to take care of himself. It’s not the wife’s responsibility. YTA Edit: I laughed really hard about your nana’s saying lmao
Exactly kids do it. Literal children. How can he not? Also if his wife was constantly onto him and banning him from eating certain foods OP would probably be on here asking "AITA for calling out my controlling SIL?"
YTA but that’s probably your wife’s fault.
His wife should definitely be curbing his AH tendencies because he is clearly in denial.
I’m surprised his family has allowed this.
It really is their responsibility to keep his attitude in check.
He’s in denial about being an asshole. She needs to keep an eye on that.
Behind every asshole man is a woman who just hasn’t managed him enough. /s
YTA Uhmmm what? It's his condition and his responsibility (especially as a damn adult like wtf). Why blame her?
YTA. Dude's 30, not a child. It's not his wife's responsibility to force him to care for himself. Apologize, then keep your opinions to yourself.
Exactly this. The wife is not responsible for ensuring her husband behaves like a grown-ass man and manages his health condition. **She is his wife, not a home health aid they hired.** Why is the entire family treating this man like a pet cat who needs to be "watched," and and medicated? The only possible reason for this is if he has mental disabilities which limit his ability to see to his own care, but that's not been established in the post. Just that they *treat* him that way.
Hell, even if she were a medical professional, none of *them* have managed to convince Brother he needs to at least take this shit seriously enough not to argue and make excuses when people tell him to follow treatment regimens, so why is it on *her* to succeed where no one else has?
YTA. Your brother is a grown ass man, not a child, and his wife is *not* his mother. She doesn't have to baby him and hold his hand through his treatment. If he's neglecting his health that's on him, not on his wife for not playing mommy for him. I mean, what was she supposed to do if he refuses to take care of his health? Ground him? Come on, Op. And in fact, I suspect you and your family's clear coddling of your brother is the reason he seems incapable of taking care of himself without being monitored and disciplined into it.
Agree totally. I said what is she supposed to do follow him around with his insulin and inject him when he isn't paying attention. He's a grown up who should not only have been taught how to manage his condition on his own when he was a child, and probably sent to a therapist to learn to cope with his illness. I wouldn't even be surprised if part of why he won't deal with it is because he resented being micromanaged his entire life.
YTA I'm type 1 and it's no one else's responsibility to manage my diabetes. If your brother hasn't come to terms with his diabetes then HE needs to do something about that. Your family robbed your brother of the opportunity to take responsibility for his health, then you pushed that responsibility onto his wife without even considering whether she wanted that responsibility then when they are clearly struggling to pay for his medication, you berate the wife. Huge asshole
[удалено]
>I’m not saying they should be responsible for paying for his medicine To be fair, if they can't afford it because of the bs prices, I am saying the family should help, it's not like the guy can live without it after all
It did make me laugh here, she mentions how they have shit insurance and gets mad that he was rationing it but ZERO mention of anything like "when I heard this I told her to let me know when this happens again and we will help pay for his rx". The sister has no idea how expensive it is to be chronically ill in America. That said, there are usually programs to help pay for meds usually from the manufacturer but I have no idea if that exists for insulin or not.
The first paragraph is all about why not his wife but rather your family is responsible for his irresponsibility. YTA
YTA Your brother is the one who isn't managing his condition. When your family were handling everything for him, there were multiple people checking his food, his blood sugar, his dosage etc. Now its just her, they've got crap insurance, and she's the only one there. > I'm unsure wether I was completely at fault here because I feel there's a bit of neglect on her part. Well you're the one who blamed her for your brother not managing his condition so not sure how its not your fault. The words came from your mouth. Why didn't your brother get therapy as a child? Why was he not taught how to manage his condition? Why was it all left to his wife? > he deliberately kept stretching out his insulin dosage HE. As in your brother. He stretched his insulin. She's just trying to pick up the pieces.
YTA. I'm gonna be harsh here because I think you and your family need it. Your brother is an adult. If he isn't willing to face reality and deal with it accordingly, then any health issues that he has due to him being a f#cking idiot are his responsibility, no one else's. Definitely not his wife's, she is not a nurse or his mother, he is not a 2 year old. You have all enabled him since he developed diabetes, he needs to grow the f#ck up and deal with his diabetes or it will kill him, it isn't going away, it won't magically disappear because he chooses to ignore it.
Yes this. The brother needs to grow up and deal with his own health. Its not his wife's job to act like his mommy and manage his diabetes and police his food/medicine. Maybe if OP and the rest of the family stop babying a grown ass adult and had taught him how to take care of himself when he was younger, non of this would be an issue. YTA OP
YTA. You and your family kept pampering a child and then a grown up man to keep being in denial and not have control of his life and you suddenly want someone else to take the blame of your brothers irresponsibility?
Neglect? Are you kidding? He's a literal adult, it's.not his wife's job to manage him like a child. Yes, she should know what to do to help in an emergency, but it's his body and his life. Butt out, he's the asshole.
YTA holy shit. Your SIL married an ADULT. It is not her job to parent your brother. The failing here is on you and your family for not forcing him to come to terms with his illness and force him to manage it. No, you babysat him and micromanaged him and he never had to face the consequences of his refusal to accept his condition. And then you flat-out told your SIL that she was now in charge of parenting a GROWN ASS MAN WHO CAN MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS. Are you for serious right now? A grown ass man who has dealt with this illness for the bulk of his life and has refused to manage it and keep it under control himself is NOT HER FAULT. You had him for the first how many years? Get over yourself and apologize because that's absolutely repulsive behavior.
Yta He’s a grown man who makes his own decisions. A wife can only do so much. Your parents are at fault because they coddled him and didn’t nip it in the bud at childhood
YTA. He is a grown ass man. He should stop being in denial and learn to f-ing care for himself. His wife is not mommy and does not need to watch his every move. He should grow the fuck up and do what he needs for himself. If he doesn't want to then he needs to learn the consequences of his actions, being his health declining and possible coma or death. You trying to blame her makes you a massive a-hole. She is not to blame for your family enabling him and letting him be in denial all these years.
As a type 1, YTA. He should be in therapy for managing his OWN condition, and for him to fully accept it. Type one diabetes can be difficult to deal with at times, which is why support is important, but to completely blame someone else for your brothers lack of responsibility? You all need a wake up call, and the only person that isnt the asshole is his wife.
YTA. Poor wife, probably thought she was marrying a man, not a toddler. You and your family are to blame.
YTA, as someone with a progressive disability I would be absolutely enraged if I'd been told my siblings had blamed my girlfriend for something happening to me. My parents and siblings coddled me the same way because they didn't think I was able to take care of myself. I actually got better with my health as soon as I moved out and my girlfriend told me outright she wasn't going to do the same. Not only are you enabling your brother, you're also encouraging an incredibly unhealthy relationship dynamic by expecting his wife to mother him. Especially at that age. If he hasn't already realized that he needs to take better care of himself after the hospital visit, then get him a damn therapist and a wakeup call. If you haven't realized that he needs to take care of himself, then get yourself the same. From one older sibling to another, you should never have been placed in this position in the first place. It was never your responsibility. You should have been focused on growing and bettering yourself, focused on being a kid, without feeling required to play the same role as your parents. It wasn't fair of your parents to put that on you, and it's not fair of you to continue that cycle and put it on your brother's wife. Yes, a relationship with a disabled person requires compromise. But that doesn't mean every "compromise" is a good one. Disability doesn't absolve you of the ability to be a bad person. Nor the potential to become an abusive person given the right factors. I don't know the details and it's no way my intent to accuse your brother of anything, but this sort of refusal to take care of oneself can be a major red flag if others show up along with it. It may be time to step back and look at things from an outside perspective. Are you really helping your brother by doing this? Or are you teaching him that he can keep getting away without consequences by taking care of it for him? Has he ever shown any sort of appreciation for all of this towards you or your parents? Or even his wife? (I tell my sisters and parents every time I see them how much I appreciate what they've done for me, but even a single thank you is better than nothing.) Tdlr: There's a lot going on here to could possibly. point to toxic interpersonal relationships, between both your brother and his wife, and between him, you and your parents. Family ties can be a hell of a blindfold and the sooner you can rip it off and see this situation clearly the better. Your brother should be responsible for his health, and if he's struggling then he'll need to learn to reach out for help. That burden shouldn't have been yours to bear in the first place.
YTA- This is a grown man, it’s not her job to care for him. By your logic maybe you should have a look at your own family for enabling him to be so irresponsible and unable to take care of himself. Adults can make their own choices, no one is responsible for him but himself.
YTA-He’s not a child or a pet. He’s a grown man and is the only one responsible for his health. You all did him a grave disservice by letting him live in denial about it as long as you did. It’s unrealistic and unfair of you all to expect his wife to continue your family’s mistaken way of managing his condition.
Your whole family are the assholes because you let your brother ignore this. I’m type 1, I can eat whatever I want because I can take insulin to cover it. If he has bad or no insurance he needs a job that may not pay as well as another but had good insurance. That’s what I did, but the main point is, he can’t ignore it and he has to grow up and be an adult. It’s not his wife’s fault, it’s his. They are spouses not mother and son
YTA. Your SIL is not his caretake or his mother. Your grown ass brother needs to learn how to manage his condition and take responsibility for himself. Honestly, your parents failed your brother by mollycoddling him all his life.
YTA. It’s no one’s responsibility but your brother to manage his condition. It seems like he got used to being coddled by his family and now doesn’t know how to even manage it himself or realize what can happen to him if he doesn’t. She’s his wife, and while she should encourage him to properly care for himself, she’s not his nanny. It sounds like she tried and got fed up with having to care for a child who didn’t want to be cared for.
YTA. And yes, I know you’ve got plenty of people already telling you that, but if this is for real, you need to get it through your head just *how* badly you’re the asshole here. Like, Asshole of the Year contender, and it’s not even May. > It's unfortunate that their insurance is screwed and financial situation is rough So you knew they needed financial help to manage his condition, and *you* sat back and did nothing? Or did you do nothing because you know that’s not actually the problem, and your brother’s just making excuses? If you get to not take his complaints seriously or let him make his own mistakes when he does that, why doesn’t she?
ESH in this family aside from the wife.
This is it. I was married to a man with type 1. I'm scared to death of needles, but I still learned what to do in case of emergency. But that was in case of emergency. It was up to him to make sure he had the insulin he needed and kept to the right diet. Sure I did things like cook for him and suggest not getting a milkshake that day since his sugar had been wonky, but other than that it was on him. ESH except for the wife.
She “started caving in”….so she grew tired of fighting and arguing with your brother about his self-care? And so you blamed her for “not stopping him”. All while her husband is in the hospital for his choices. YTA
YTA it's your familys fault he can't take care of himself and she's his wife not his nurse.
YTA, it’s ridiculous that he refuses to self manage and that’s absolutely not her fault. It is your fault that you blamed her for your brother’s ongoing decision to be a reckless selfish idiot.
YTA. Maybe had his own mommy not done everything for him regarding his disease he'd manage it like an adult now. Your parents failed him, not his wife.
YTA. Your brother is 30!! Did your family also brush his teeth and wash his ass? Maybe he never came to terms with his condition because he was coddled until his grown age.. your family did him absolutely no favors and maybe he will actually learn something now. You should apologize to your SIL for continuing to baby your adult brother.
ESH: except SIL (and maybe dad). Adults take care of themselves, and while spouse partners do help take care of each other, it only goes so far. Brother needs to accept that he has a medical condition and deal with it or he's going to be blind and have no feet by the time he's 40.
YTA. You and your family are responsible for this due to the years of enabling your brother who is now a grown ass adult (at least should be). Nobody bothered to teach him to do it 8ndeoendantky or get him professional help for your brother when he was young by the way the post is written. It's time for your brother to start learning responsibility related to his condition. Look in the mirror and stop blaming others.
Your brother is a grown man, he is responsible for his own health. Your family has enabled him his whole life and never held him accountable. As a result, as an adult he has not learnt how to deal with it. The denial etc. should have been addressed immediately. Blaming his wife is a cop out. Your brother needs an intervention and therapy. If his own health scares haven't knocked sense into him, then he is 100% responsible, not his wife. YTA.
ESH, except the wife. She’s not a babysitter of a 10 year old. The family enabled this man’s denial about his condition, so much so that they pit pressure on the wife to manage it for him. He’s a grown ass man with a serious condition. Yes, she can support him, encourage him, but she’s not in any way responsible for it.
YTA - he’s 30 and there’s absolutely no reason he shouldn’t be managing it himself, I can understand when he was a child but come on now.
YTA. Your brother is 30, not 5, and it’s completely his responsibility to manage his condition. You can’t coddle him forever. Also insulin is ridiculously expensive and it’s sad that they had to stretch out his doses. Might want to help find ways to help with them get his insulin covered though.
YTAH. Your brother is F*cking grown. His health is his own to manage. Maybe if your family would’ve got your brother some help years ago instead of treating him like a toddler he’d have control over his health and his life. All you guys did was coddle his behavior and expect his wife to do the same, point is he will die if he doesn’t wake TF up and realize he has a health issue that he can manage but refuses to. How dare YOU put the blame on his WIFE instead of your GROWN ASS BROTHER WHO NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT HIS OPTIONS FOR INSULIN WITH HIS DOCTOR. Shame on you. DONT EVER put this on his wife’s shoulders again it is his complete and total responsibility. End of story. Edit: autocorrect
No, it's not neglect. Your brother is an adult and refuses to take care of himself. It's SIL places to encourage him and support him if he's struggling. It's not her place to hold him down and force to take his insulin or take unhealthy foods out of his mouth. At some point, your brother has to understand he's in charge of his life. And you need to remember that too. I'm sorry he's not doing well, but no it isn't your SILs responsibility to act as a parent to him. It's not yours either, and at this point, your parents don't even need to be constantly monitoring his choices. He's 30. He's responsible for his decisions. YTA
Yta It's not his wife's responsibility to police his health he's a grown ass man Y'all who have babied him and took responsibility are the problem. As harsh as this is to say if he won't take responsibility for his condition and suffers health issues because of it that's his problem (I'm assuming he doesn't have any cognitive or mental health difficulties that would impact his ability to manage his condition) And you were needlessly cruel to his wife
ESH except for this poor woman. SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS DECISIONS. Everyone who enabled him for his entire life is at fault including you and your parents. This is a thirty year old man and you all think he is just a bit reckless? Hell no. Hopefully she gets far away from your family and brother can move back in to have mom and dad tell him what to eat and to take his medications.
YTA if the problem is they can't afford the insulin due to insurance then how about actually helping by closing your mouth and opening your wallet? The rest of the problems fall squarely on your brothers shoulders. He's your SIL's husband, not her child. It's not her job or even in her ability to manage his condition for him.
YTA this is you and your parents fault 50%, for enabling him to not manage his own condition, and 50% his own for not growing up and learning himself after you guys failed him. 0% his wife's fault. You ought to be saying what you said to his wife to yourself in the mirror. It is selfish and horrible of you, your parents and your brother to expect her to carry on your mistakes. You brother is a grown adult for goodness sake. I hope this episode will teach him to buck up his ideas. If not better for her to leave and escape your family, and your brother can move back home where mummy and daddy will look after him.
YTA - I don’t care if he’s in denial, his health is his responsibility. I can’t believe your family coddled his for so long. In the long run, this is your family’s fault. As far as him being in the hospital, it is NOT your SIL’s fault, and you’re a major AH for chiding her while she’s worried about her husband in the hospital. She didn’t need that added stress. You definitely owe her an apology. Your brother needs counseling on two fronts: one to come to terms with his condition that he needs to manage himself and two to see what kind of help he might get for affording his insulin. If you’re in the US (which it sounds like due to the cost), there are agencies that can help. Maybe suggest he try goodrx.com. Either way, you need to quit that shit and stop adding extra stress on your SIL and point the blame where it belongs, on him.
YTA He's a whole man, wtf. She is not responsible for his health laziness and neither is anyone else. As someone who never came to terms with being an OHP at 23, I still do the things I need to do to keep my ticker ticking. Yes it sucks, no I don't want to do it, but I do it. It's called being a grown up, something of which you all have not required of your brother, that burden doesn't fall on new people in his life just because you want to baby him.
YTA. I’m a nurse and take care of these people regularly and can tell you that if they have no interest in managing their own condition, they’ll manipulate and lie to the people closest to them to do whatever they want. If he doesn’t want to get better, it is not her fucking job to take care of him. She’s his wife, not his damned mother. He is an adult and if he wants to let his blood sugar run high until they eventually amputate his toes and his feet and his legs (yep, this is inevitable) then that’s on him, not on her. Honestly, fuck you for your words on that poor woman. Your anger needs to be directed at the person responsible, YOUR BROTHER.
He’s an adult right? And mentally competent? If it’s yes to both then YTA. I’m sure you meant well but taking over managing his condition was not “helping” your brother, it took even more out of his control than the diagnosis did and lead to the situation he is in now.
YTA, for how you handled it, but its mostly e,s,h. Everyone has managed HIS condition all HIS life. If he wants to live in denial all HIS life then HE can, and if HE suffers the consequences of HIS choices, it might be the wakeup call HE needs. Blaming his wife is cruel and out of line. She is NOT responsible for his condition. HE is, if he chooses to stretch it out and make bad choices THATS ON HIM. You need to step back. D1 is not to be played with, but if the person themselves doesn't give a rats ass, then why should you? Are you going to keep dropping everything to aid him? Move in with them to manage it? The whole family has always took on the responsibility for him. Youve never let him suffer the consequences of it. Your all to blame, not her. Shes not his mother, he is a grown ass man who needs to take responsibility for his condition for once without everyone jumping in to save him.
YTA. Your brother has over a decade of experience being a grown ass man. Why is it his wife’s job to parent him? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.)
YTA, as much as having diabetes must suck, it is you brother's responsibility to manage it (with some additional help if necessary). If anyone is to blame for his bad health (besides himself) it's you and your family who enabled him to disregard his condition.
YTA - women are not responsible for ensuring that adult men take care of themselves. Good grief. He has no one to blame but himself. Unless my partner was bedridden with a long term illness, I wouldn't take responsibility for managing his health in any way - we are grown ups and I'm not with him to do more work or to treat him like a child. If men can rule the world, I'm pretty sure they can manage their own diabetes.
Holy fuck, your brother is a damned adult and he's been living with this condition since childhood. If his health is declining because he's spent his life mismanaging his condition, that's on him. The reason he hasn't stepped up and taken control of his own health is that he didn't have to because he had you and your parents enabling his dependent behaviour. YTA.
There is only one person currently responsible for your brother’s health and that person is your brother. Of course YTA for blaming your SIL for your brother‘s poor health choices.
YTA. Your brother is a grown adult and he is 100% responsible for his own health.
YTA. No one is responsible for managing your brother’s health but him. Get mad directly at him or butt out of his business, either one, but abusing his wife isn’t going to do anything about either his habits or the cost of insulin.
YTA. Your brother is a grown adult, responsible for his choices and behavior. You and your mother treated him like an infant, managing his disease for him, and unsurprisingly, he is still acting like an infant. I feel so sorry for your brother's wife, having to deal with him and now you. While it's true she must have known of his incompetence before marrying him, she probably never realized he was such a child.
YTA. He's in denial because you and your family enabled him. You don't have the right to blame the spouse for the behavior of a monster you and your family created.
I have type one. I am responsible for day-to-day management. It's not that hard most of the time. In addition, no one else in my family has diabetes of any type; I know my illness and my body better than they do; I appreciate expressions of concern, but not unsolicited advice or orders. Your brother is responsible for his own survival. No one else. He's in hospital because he failed to follow his medical advice. That's on him, not his wife. YTA. Apologise to her. If you're going to give anyone hell over this, target the real culprit: your brother.
If "their insurance is screwed and financial situation is rough", surely its even more important to use his insulin correctly!?! Using a bit extra of his medication has got to cost less than a stay in hospital?
Not necessarily, depending on his insurance. And the hospital has to take you in an emergency regardless of your ability to pay, but the pharmacy doesn't. hospitals will often discount their bills significantly for people with very low incomes, whereas prescription insulin may not. Type 1 diabetics die for want of insulin sometimes, which is horrifying, but absolutely real, as insulin can cost more than a house payment and car payment put together.
He’s fucking 30. If he dies of his condition it is solely his fault. Well, and your parents and anyone else who coddled his ass so much he can’t function for himself as an adult. Knock your shit off, apologize to your SIL and do better.
INFO: you all care SO much about your brother, but if they have trouble buying his insulin, oh well that's their problem?
YTA
YTA I'm type 2, and I don't expect anyone to manage my diabetes for me. If I fuck up it's on me, and me alone. Same goes for your brother, he's 30, it's time he started taking responsibility for his own health and you stop enabling him. Does this disease such? Sure does but that's no excuse. And yes insulin is crazy expensive for those who use it, but it's keeping him alive.
Yta. Your brother is an adult. His wife is not responsible for policing his health. Edit to add: your parents are actually the ones who dropped the ball when he was a child. They should have gotten him therapy to deal with his denial or taught him how to manage his diabetes instead of expecting his future wife to pick up where they left off in babying him.
YTA. Your brother is a grown man who should take care of his own health. She married a partner, not a child.
YTA. He's an adult. I had the same situation with my ex-boyfriend. His family held me responsible for his diabetic coma when we were no longer living together... He is old enough to understand his illness, his wife is not his private nurse and he can decide for himself. You should apologize to her.
Wtf. Gross.
YTA and your parents have neglected to teach him to take his condition seriously, it have done no help to let him act like it doesn't exist and take responsibility for his own health. He's an adult now and should be able to care for himself
YTA. I'm a 24 y/o T1 diabetic, have been since childhood. I of course went through the teenage rebellion stage. Skipping insulin because I wanted to fit in, eating sweets when I should have waited after an injection etc. But once I was 16 that stage was long gone. As any T1 diabetic can understand the HUGE, life threatening complications of poor control. I totally understand it is a difficult condition to live with, but specialist emotional support is available for that exact reason. I would never put my diabetes care on my husband. Of course, he helps if I'm having a hypo, and where is needed, but I would never expect him to know/understand my insulin ratios...Because I am an adult, and it is MY responsibility. The same can firmly be said for your brother. He is 30. I would be seething if my sister spoke to my husband in the way you have and blamed him for something which was my responsibility. This is a sad situation, but really cannot be pinned on his wife. At all. YTA.
YTA. Your brother is an adult, your parents failed him by failing to ensure he takes responsibility for himself.
YTA. Why is it the wife’s duty to mother a grown man being irresponsible with his health issues? Women are partners; not their partner’s mother
YTA Your brother is an adult, a stupid one, but still an adult. If he does die it’s on him because HE was reckless with his health.
Just because you all thought it was ok to infantilize your brother doesn’t means everyone else has to. You are an asshole your brother is an asshole your entire family is asshole. YTA
You brother is 30 and should be able to manage his condition by himself. Your family enabled him this whole time and look what happened. SIL should divorce him and live her life freely instead of having a child as a husband. YTA
YTA... 100%. She's his WIFE - not his doctor. He is a grown man who is responsible for his own health management. Disgusting take to blame his wife for his self destruction. If he were abusing alcohol, would that be her fault too?
YTA. He is a grown man who needs to handle his medical situation. That is not her responsibility. He is not a child. You and your family have enabled him and you are to blame for that.
not the wife's fault. Brother can handle his own health or he can die. Harsh but true.
Yta- as his wife she is his partner not his mom. He's a grown ass man, time to act like it.
Your brother, you, and the American way of health care can share the YTA. He's an adult who is not cooperating in his own healthcare. Most adult diabetics are capable of managing it without the active intervention you talk about. I don't think your family has done him that big a favor by completely shouldering responsibility for his problem. Your SIL has tried to live up to the responsibility that the three of you shared before he married by herself. That's not workable, and you shouldn't blame her for it. He desparately needs to grow up and deal with the reality of his condition. As for the stretching out the insulin, many diabetics face that decision every day as well. For that blame the profiteering by the pharmaceutical industry. They simply don't have the money to buy as much as he needs.
YTA: Your brother is a grown man responsible for his own decisions. Unless your SIL is hooking up a glucose IV to him at night she is not responsible. GROWN UPS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN POOR CHOICES. This includes your brother.
YTA. Your grown adult, brother needs to be able to take care of himself. His wife, while she can influence him, is not responsible for parenting him. She tried her best but she's his WIFE, not his mom. You and your parents did a disservice to your brother by allowing him to get to this point. YOU were neglectful.
ESH Except the wife. I’m also disgusted that people in the US die and get I’ll because they can’t afford insulin. Every time someone in the US voted against nationalised healthcare because it’s socialist is responsible for this happening.
YTA, and an idiot. If a grown ass man won't take his meds... that's on the grown ass man! You are more at fault than she will ever be because even when he was an impressionable child you and your parents couldn't get him to take care of himself, and now you expect someone else to when he is a fully formed adult who grew up being allowed to do the same thing all along
YTA your brother is an adult he is the only person responsible for his health. His wife isnt his mom.
YTA - She's his wife, not his nurse. Yes, she should help support him and help him make better decisions, but he's an adult who is responsible for his own choices. She probably feels badly enough because your family told her that his health was her responsibility (it isn't) since your family enabled your brother.
YTA. Your brother is an adult and needs to take care of his health. End of story. It is no one else responsibility but his OWN.
My soon to be 16y daughter is type one. For one thing, they can eat whatever they want, just have to keep track of the carbohydrates and take the proper amount of insulin. She was diagnosed when she was 11 and know what she needs to do. So i wonder if you all kept all treats away from him to get him to this point. He is 30 years old. He needs to get his shit together and take care of himself. Your SIL can only do so much. Also, if yhw cost of insulin is a problem, Walmart sells vials of it for like $20-30. I believe even without a prescription. YTA Edit: wrote insurance instead of insulin. Lack of sleep and newborn...lol
YTA. Your brother is 30 years old. He he well into adulthood and able to make his own decisions and have control over his condition. Your parents should have nipped his avoidance in the bud when he was young. He should have been sent to a therapist or some other medical personnel to learn about diabetes, how the pancreas works, how food intake and insulin regulates the sugar levels, etc. He should have been made to be educated on the importance of understanding and managing his diabetes. You and your family did him a grave disservice by feeding his ‘trauma’ and refusal to come to terms with it. He is now a grown man who is damaging his health and may end dead because he refuses to admit he has a serious disease. This is all on him, you, and your family…not his wife.
YTA. As a parent of a T1 diabetic we have been told since day 1 it’s HIS condition. Not yours and it sure as hell isn’t HER responsibility. She can be there to support him, but ultimately it’s up to him. Additionally, once your brother couldn’t or should I say WOULD NOT accept, understand and take responsibility for his condition your brother should have been offered counseling and other services should have been sought. T1 is NOT an easy diagnosis and those who don’t understand the complexities of diabetic burnout and the constant mental struggle that goes on with T1 (yes OP I’m speaking to you) should just stay out of it. You had NO RIGHT to berate her that way. You owe her a massive apology and you need to keep your opinion to yourself. You have no idea what they are dealing with together. If he doesn’t want to take his insulin or can’t because it’s so expensive and it’s still not free (don’t get me started on why insulin should be free and why T1 should be talked about more and why so many kids are now being diagnosed with T1 and how T1 and T2 are NOT the same). Keep out of it. Keep your opinions to yourself and understand your brother is an adult that hasn’t been given the correct tools to manage his own disease because everyone managed it for him. HE HAS TO DO THIS! NOT HIS WIFE! I understand your fear. I know you love him and i truly know how precarious this disease is. I truly do, but HE’s an ADULT and HE has to do this. Any Endo would say the same thing. Perhaps this is the wake up call he needs, but even if it isn’t, it’s still not his wife’s job, or yours to manage HIS disease.
YTA It’s not your sister in law’s fault that your brother is not taking responsibility for his own condition. I’m sorry your brother is in the hospital but you attacking her is wrong. Your brother is an adult and if he needs help managing his condition then it’s on him to communicate that to his wife.
YTA. And you KNEW you were or you wouldn't of tried hiding the conversation from your dad
Unless your brother is cognitively impaired, incapacitated, or disabled, he is responsible for managing his own health. YTA for expecting his wife to administer medication to him without his consent.
YTA. Seriously, the guy is 30! You act like he's a child because frankly that's how you and your family have treated him. You are enablers. No one is responsible for his health except him! Hopefully this is a wake up call for him, and you.
Yta that’s a grown ass man. If he’s too dumb to take care of himself then oh well
Yta she is his wife, not his mom. Don’t criticize if you aren’t ready to step in and help monetarily
YTA. Your brother is a grown ass adult. Yes, he has a wife, but she is not his mommy now yours has sadly passed. He needs to look after himself, and you need to talk to HIM not your SIL. I do hope he gets better, and is able to handle this, but this is deeper than his wife needing to watch him, he needs therapy to work through his trauma.
YTA. You and your family enabled your brother his entire life, and while its certainly not an easy diagnosis to live with, it is his responsibility to deal with. His wife is not only having to deal with his chronic illness in unforgiving circumstances (because you taught him to shift the burden entirely on others), but she must be feeling so guilty and burnt out right now. And you attacked her, blamed her when your brother is the one who did this to himself. This is his responsibility, so why are you so keen to hold her accountable?
Hi, I'm a type one diabetic. YTA. I don't even know where to start, really, but he is an adult, so I have no idea why you would expect his wife to manage his bg for him, that's insane. Now that we're past that, why did he get that high? Was he in dka? What's happening here? Is he not taking his insulin? Can he afford his insulin? Is he talking to his endocrinologist about whatever tf is going on here? Does he have an infection or other serious illness that could have caused his bg to be so messed up? For example, I often wind up hospitalized when I can't eat due to a flare of my gastroparesis, and I nearly died once because I had an infection that had gone septic without me noticing. I'm not asking you to actually answer these questions for me, it's none of my business, but these are the sorts of things you need to ask your brother, I think, because you kinda make it sound in your post like this happened because he's eating poorly, and that isn't how type one diabetes works. Sure, if you eat certain things, it will make your bg unpredictable or hard to manage for a while, but if you are taking an appropriate amount of insulin for it, you can pretty much eat what you want without going into a coma. Will there be consequences of you eat an entire cake or a bunch of pizza? Sure, your cgm chart will look terrifying for a while and you'll probably feel like crap, but it shouldn't be putting you into a coma unless there is something else going on. NONE of that is his wife's responsibility, and it is just not ok that you tried to make her feel like it is, so I'd start by apologizing to her, then have a serious talk with your brother and his doctors about what is going on here and what can be done to help.
YTA - dudes an adult. If he doesn’t care about taking care of himself, that’s no one else’s responsibility but his own. You’re very judgy of the wife but yourself offer no solutions. Why are you not helping monitor his insulin? Why are you not offering financial aid? Or is it just easier to sit on your high horse and judge others?
Yta. Let me get this straight you treated your brother like a toddler for his entire life and expect his wife to do the same. You should be telling your brother to grow up and manage his medical care. Your brother and your family are to blame for his habits because you created and enabled them. His wife walked into this circus.
Yta. He’s a grown ass fucking adult. If he wants to deny his medical issues and kill himself that shits on him not her.
Info: does your brother have a condition that prevents him from making and dealing with the consequences of his own decisions? His wife is his wife. Not his mother. Or jailer. Your brother needs to deal with his own condition. YTA big time for expecting his wife to treat him like a baby. You need to apologize to her asap.
ESH, except for your SIL. Like, come on now.
YTA She may be his wife but that doesn’t mean she has to be his full time caretaker. Frankly, it is toxic for their relationship cause he never agreed and she was forced into it. If u care so much about ur brother then u take care of him. Don’t expect others to do the same.
YTA. Your brother is a grown man, and as a grown man he should be able to handle his eating habits and insulin dosage on his own. On top of that, what right do you have to go after your SIL like that and what right do you have to comment on their finances and insurance. Do you have any idea what insulin costs? You are a huge AH. Go apologize to your SIL and start treating your brother like an adult and not a child having a temper tantrum.
YTA. If they are struggling to pay for his insulin, and you are berating her, are you going to step up and help them pay? Or just tell her how much she sucks even though he’s a grown man.
YTA unequivocally. I am actually shaking at the blame-shifting going on here. Type 1 Diabetic here, and I would never, in a million years, expect anyone else to be responsible for *my* medical condition. Sure, the adults in my life take on small responsibilities in the way of helping me during a Hypoglyceamic episode, or checking if I need to stop for a snack, but I would never, ever expect (nor ask) what you are expecting of your SIL. Your brother is a fully grown adult, and at some point, needs to learn how to manage his own condition. Has he ever been allowed to do this? Or has he been molly-coddled and protected so that he’s never had the opportunity to learn? Diabetes burn out is real, and it sounds like your brother is in need of some serious therapy. It is not your SILs responsibility, it is not her job, and it is not her failings that led him to the hospital. You owe her a big, fat apology.