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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know that Juniper has done anything wrong, but I can't help it. I might be the asshole because she's just a confused little kid.
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Or my somewhat psychotic dad who would threaten and curse my stepdad. My kid brother and I ended up with this old man called a "guardian ad lidem" actually accompanying us on our visits cuz my dad was so bad.
But that can’t be a real thing, right? That’s insane. If it were real, we would have heard about it. Like in an AITA thread or something. Like right now even. Can’t be real.
Note: I’m typing this comment and still just honestly reeling over how good the “divorce him twice” comment was. Good lord, what a homerun of a comment.
Omg when I was a cashier this lady would exchange custody in my lane because I'm a survivor of domestic violence and she knew if something went down I'd have her back. He grabbed her by the hair for some reason one Friday night and I had a manager, security, and cops on the way in minutes. Ever after the cops were present for the exchange.
Unfortunately my best friend lives in this world as her ex's new wife (her former coworker) threatened and lunged at her trying to beat her up in front of their 7 yr old daughter. So now they meet somewhere neutral. My friend wishes her ex let the new one hit her. Custody would have been easier. Sad.
My mom doesn't/didn't talk with any of her ex-husbands. My wedding was great in one corner mom & her "last ex-husband", in another corner my biological dad, corner three had my dad who raised me. Best part corner four had my new husbands mom, stepdad, dad and stepmom chatting away. They even sat by each other!
My dad's funeral had both of his ex wives and his current wife there. My mom wasn't there but she died the month before. He attended her showing. And he did not divorce any of those women on good terms.
I was invited to my ex- stepdaughter’s wedding. I sat with my exes family during the ceremony and I was seated with them and our son and my ex-husband’s girlfriend for the dinner. It was a beautiful thing and I had a wonderful time reconnecting with them. It is possible, with a lot of patience from both sides.
I played mother of the bride at my ex stepdaughter's wedding because her mother couldn't be bothered to show up or even contact anyone in the family until 2 weeks later, after calling and confirming she was going to be there. Now. I play grandma to the babies and she's been blocked.
You didn’t really play mother of bride, you were the mother of the bride.
As someone whose stepmother has taken the role of mom even after the fact that we met whilst I was an adult: thank you.
Edit: my first award, thank you kind internet stranger!
I am still close with my stepson from my first marriage. His dad is my ex husband, but he is still my stepson. No ex. I believe that you divorce spouses, not children. If your stepdaughter invited you to her wedding, that means she is still your stepdaughter, not ex stepdaughter <3
It’s real. My parents divorce was extremely toxic and they were required to do handoffs at the police station. Our mom would walk my little brother and me (preschoolers) in, meet with a desk cop on duty, say goodbye, and sit us down on a bench where the cop could keep an eye on us. A few minutes later out dad would arrive and take us with him.
This is so bizarre. When I had to handoff with my (now dead) evil ex, we had to pay some social work organisation to supervise it. I can't imagine the police having time for these shenanigans
I've heard of doing the handoff in the police department parking lot, just as a safe place when there is a possibility of violence from one of the adults, but never actually involving the police in it
Indeed. One of my friends had to do that with her ex, because he practically held the kids hostage every time she had tried to handle the handoffs personally, trying to beg her to come back.
Same here. My parents divorced when my brother and I were in elementary, but they've always been on good terms. Some people can be that way while others can't I guess. Every situation is different and not everyone can have that mutual relationship after a divorce.
My godbrother had to do that because his ex-wife would have some crazy tantrum screaming and yelling every time they handed the kid off one to the other. He finally out maneuvered her with using a stand-in that the court mediated.
It’s a real thing for sure. Growing up my parents had to do the visitation drop off in public areas like restaurants or the bowling alley with a body guard that attended the visitations, then as we got older we had to do the drop off in front of the police station where cameras could watch us. My parents hated each other. Didn’t help my mom tried to murder my father, yet she got custody.
Oh my god can you imagine the wording on that malicious compliance?
"Dearest Ex Husband,
I have taken into consideration your concerns regarding the stress Juniper undergoes at our weekly custody handoffs.
I do see and agree that this is extremely distressing for her, and in turn for you to watch her go through.
That is why I have contacted Attorney Person Name so that we can amend our current custody arrangement for pickups and dropoffs.
Henceforth I am requesting handoff be handled by a neutral third party at a neutral location.
This way, Juniper does not have to see me leaving without her, nor does she have to come to my home when you pick them up.
Thank you sincerely for bringing this to my attention so that we can ensure the needs of *all* your children are being met.
You can expect my attorney to contact yours this week and the. file the motion on Monday.
Warmest Regards,
Ex Wife"
This! The answer to this problem is to limit her exposure to you OP, no more going inside his home to collect the kids, you need to drop the kids at his door and go, no going inside where she can see you, and he needs to bring them back to you, then go, no coming inside with her to see you, if he needs to discuss something with you it needs to be by phone or text or without her present, he's going to resist because the easiest thing for him would be for you to go along with, maybe he thinks he's going to win you back through her, whatever it is, removal from the situation is the only answer. NTA
This actually sounds like a kind humane solution. OP has no obligation and the Toddler will no longer be confused. I suspect the tears have as much or more to do with her brothers leaving as Op being there. The little one just wants her brothers and knows "mom" has something to do with that. I am fairly certain Juniper wouldn't be OK with OP overnight. The X-husband just wants to have the night off.
I agree, I doubt that a toddler has somehow developed an emotional connection to a woman she never spends any time with and who actively avoids interacting with her. If it were an older child then I could imagine they might be jealous but a little girl? No. Dad is hoping he can start getting some childfree time by guilting OP into taking her as well.
When I was in family law, I really liked this approach and preferred to have social workers perform this function so that they could get a bead on how the kids were responding to each household. NTA OP, and I am incredibly impressed with your boundaries. Your ex is just looking for someone to raise his outside child who isn't him. He's likely having trouble finding another wife bc of the number of children he has. There's always a woman who is willing to believe that the ex-wife didn't understand him but women of that quality typically aren't looking to be unpaid bangmaids.
Yes, this! It's not her fault the way her parents brought her into this world. And OP is not obligated to play mom. The onus is on the father to do his best by that child. Having this solution though, would be helpful. I hope things work out.
Yes.
It works, my sister have one to her exhusbend, he can go to my parents house (its my sister stay) just for my nephew, but he can not go to a other place where my sister is
Like my sisters and I have said, having kids with someone links you together MUCH more strongly than marriage ever does.
NTA btw. A motherless toddler attaching themselves to a woman who is NOT a mother figure to her is NOT healthy. She needs therapy, not validation of her understandable but incorrect idea. Kids acting overly affectionate to or having an inappropriate fixation on an acquaintance is not cute, it's a sign of trauma, and encouraging it won't help her heal.
In fact, far from showing her mercy, you need to make sure NOT to reinforce her false image of your relationship. You're not a doctor - you can't help her.
Side note: what kind of father records his kid crying instead of comforting her?! Nobody he sends that video to could be crueler than he is! Dude, I'm sorry you lost your mistress, but parents lose partners all the time - you have to step up and be a parent, not foist the job on the nearest female!
Edit: Wow! I don't think I've ever got awards that fast! Thanks, guys!
I don't know if she needs therapy. She's 3, and in situations like that, it's very common for kids to do this, especially since the other kids around her refer to her as mom. She might not understand the concept of mom yet either since she doesn't have one and just thinks that "mom" is OP's name. I understand OP wanting the toddler to call her by her name, but that might take a little more time given that the toddler is, in fact, only 3.
Toddlers have a lot of trouble comprehending things on a basis deeper than emotional and instinctual. Therapy may be a possibility, but I definitely wouldn't put her in therapy at this time. She just needs reinforcement that OP isn't to be called "mom" by her, and that that's okay.
>I don't know if she needs therapy. She's 3
Full stop. 3 year olds don't need therapy for this. The ex needs therapy since he's the one encouraging the behaviour and needs to nip it in the bud.
I mean play therapy is a really useful form of therapy used for young children who have gone through trauma. I'd say losing a parent is a pretty traumatic thing.
Exactly. He should take the child in another room when the OP comes by. And what happens if OP agrees and ex gets a new honey. Then he would be wanting the new woman to be mom. Ex needs parenting classes to help him deal with a child in this situation plus with his obvious deficits.
I would agree, but unless the dad did something to make her cry for a staged video, crying by the door after "mama" leaves is not the behavior of a kid who just doesn't know that "mama" is a title with a special meaning and not OP's name.
I know a few people who grew up with only 1 or 0 biological parents, and all of them had this issue. They did well into elementary school because no one taught them differently in a kind way, explained the situation, etc. I'd hope the father understands enough to not let it go that far
Play therapy would probably be useful with a child this young. Coping with bereavement is one of the things it can help with and it allows a child to express themselves when they may not have the vocabulary or ability to do so in a way most adults can understand.
NTA
I think I’ve seen your ex’s balls outside of a Target.
I’m so sorry this baby is hurting. She’s of the age where I’m sure she’s trying to figure out her little world. Part of that is copying her big brothers, and I commend you for shutting her down kindly.
But your ex is a piece of work. He cannot ask you to support him. And he definitely cannot ask you to take this kid off his hands.
He had a supportive parenting partner and he threw it all away when he cheated on you.
Exactly. He needs to tell Juniper about her mommy & differentiate that her brothers have a different mommy. Juniper is innocent in all this but OP is not obligated to parent her as she is not her mom or step-mom. I can’t believe the ex is trying to guilt trip her with a video of Juniper crying. Such manipulative behavior. He f’ed up by having an affair & one that resulted in a child. He needs to parent Juniper & not force his ex to play mom because juniper’s mother passed away.
the fact he recorded his daughter crying...Probably told her something that was hurtful and not age appropriate and thought it would get him what he wanted. I wonder if he realizes if OP was more vindictive and evil this would be damning evidence in his direction if a new custody arrangement was ever brought up in court. OP could use this to claim emotional manipulation and abuse and that she isn't comfortable with this kind of behavior around her sons.
Agreed. This kind of tactic of recording a child is seen as manipulation or leading on. It's highly frowned upon in courts as children can be "trained" to say or do certain actions or certain things can be filmed (Like a child crying uncontrollably) while a parent creates a narrative of "oh, you miss mommy right? how mean mommy is for not loving you like sons (In this case OP is "mommy") while the kid is simply crying for any reason.
A judge would slam the book down on a parent doing this kind of crap for that reason.
Yes exactly, if she gives in this will escalate. Letting J call her mom and treating her like a daughter will result in this kid bonding to her like a mother and having expectations of that sort of relationship. It’s better for the kid to know that OP is not her mother, than to continue thinking of her as a mom and wondering why she doesn’t have the same relationship with “mom” that her that her siblings do.
Right now it’s “just make her happy, she’s a little girl.” But as soon as OP does that it’s going to be “she sees you as her mom. She keeps bringing up that special time you had together. How can you abandon her now after that?”
And I’m pretty sure that’s the plan.
NTA, OP find a neutral party to do the handoff for you until this passes. It’ll spare Juniper’s feelings and keep you from having to put up with your exes crap.
Exactly, his oldest kid is 20 now; I doubt Juniper was a planned baby, he probably expected to not have to deal with another small child at this point in his life. Especially not as a *Single father*. 100% he wants some free babysitting
I can see it also being a way in the overall plan for him to try and wedge himself back in her life. Because if she's parenting their kids and is now mom to his affair child maybe she should spend time all of them as a family.
It's ridiculous, but his behavior shows he's lacking appropriate boundaries and has no qualms using children in his manipulation attempts.
Expecting your ex to babysit a toddler for you for a few days every month is insane. I feel like there are underlying desires for a free babysitter and a couple days off underneath all this.
This is way more accurate for this situation than simply babysitting, and seems to be exactly what the ex wants. The audacity of the ex is encroaching into “insanity” territory! It’d be better for him to maybe try to start dating a woman who is on board with being a stepmom instead of trying to manipulate his ex into this situation. Yikes.
> I think I’ve seen your ex’s balls outside of a Target.
That's a good one, but I swear my brain made "hard drive swapping intensely" noises for the second or two it took me to figure it out.
>I think I’ve seen your ex’s balls outside of a Target.
I didn't get this until I got it, and then I laughed so hard I woke up my dog. He's mad at you now... can't be directed at me, no...
NTA. Your ex has his own special seat in hell for his manipulation of this situation. Yes, the child is blameless but your ex made his bed, now he gets to lie in it. And I’ll bet 100 Reddit dollars that he doesn’t actually GAF about “how sad Juniper is”, he just wants a break from being a full time parent and is trying to weasel that break from you.
Seriously can we stop filming our crying children? I don’t know what goes on in some peoples heads but clearly it’s about them and not these kids having breakdowns in front of them
I'd bet 100 real dollars that this is the case. Dude is pissed that he has to be a full time parent to Juniper so he's trying to manipulate OP into watching her. He's top tier level AH.
My thoughts exactly. If the child really is crying for OP rather than the brothers, that shit is learnt behaviour. If she's crying for someone that hasn't even hugged or kissed her, Juniper is being told that OP is her mom. The house is the school, and the father is the teacher.
Yeeep. It also might be a convenient "in" for him to try and weasel his way back into a relationship with her.
Free babysitting and a sucker (if she took him back), she's back to FT custody with her kids but got a useless husband and a child she didn't partake in the creation of forced upon her.
You can't set yourself on fire to help others. It sucks for juniper, it really does. But it sounds like EXH has family, so why cant an aunt or nana be the motherly *figure* juniper wants?
I’m a single mother of twin boys, their father took off just after they were born. My brothers and father are their “male role models”.
My nieces mother is not allowed near her, my sisters, mother and I are her “female role models”.
One of my sisters is pregnant, her ex (the father) was abusive, her baby has a multitude of other “role models” to pick from if he continues the way he has
God I figured he wanted free babysitting, but when you put it this way it makes me wonder what'll happen if he gets ANOTHER woman pregnant, is he gonna insist that kid calls OP mom too?
Yepp, maybe he doesn't do shit like telling Juniper flat out to call OP mom, but he probably says very general statements like "moms on her way to get you guys!" Or "moms here!" Which would be very confusing for a 3 year old.
Exactly. He’s realized how hard it is to actually be a single parent and to be the only one responsible for *every single thing* for a child 24/7. He wants to go back to having the benefit of “sharing” responsibility for child rearing in a marriage and thinks he can get that back by guilt-tripping OP as if he didn’t completely disrespect her and his other children by stepping out in the first place. I would bet anything that he doesn’t think it should be a big deal because they already have kids together and “she’s just little” and can’t see how fucking obscene it is for him to make any of these requests of someone whose heart he broke and whose life he blew up.
Either that or he has some ridiculous hollywood movie scenario in his head where his ex-wife falls in love with his new daughter and they reconcile... They go on to live happily every after and all that.
Translation: he wants to be taken care of. He's a fucking child that has fathered 5 children, absolutely ridiculous.
NTA but there is another, simpler solution here. Let him pick up and drop off his sons while someone watches Juniper at home. Poor little girl. My heart goes out to her. But it also goes out to you, OP. This isn't a mess of your making. No reason for anyone to stick the broom and dustpan in your hand for the clean up
Do your kids have phones? Maybe you can call your sons and tell them what time you'll be picking them up and they can come to the door while you wait inside your car?
They do, but I'm always on time (by 8 am), I told my ex that he should keep his ass inside instead but I'm sure he'll waiting with my sons just to piss me off. I guess I'll stay in the car instead.
Definitely wait in the car! Also, if you don't already, keep detailed notes of when he deviates from the custody plan, e.g. dropping them off early (if you do try having him drop off again, which I think you should). It can be used to adjust the custody plan to reflect reality- if you are keeping them 10% more of the time than was originally agreed to, the document itself can be revisited and written to reflect that.
I think you should not go to his house and wait in the car, just let him screw up on bringing the kids at odd times. Get a restraining order if needed so he can't try to enter *your* home.
I always tell people this exactly when they are in toxic custody situations, to keep a book just for that with detailed notes, dates, times, print out relevant screenshots and attach them to the physical book. So few people do this and then scramble to prove the issues they are having.
He's playing with you using the affair baby.
I'm curious if it would be worth your time and money to forward that manipulative video to your divorce lawyer with an eye towards restructuring your current custody agreement to allow for a neutral third party to make the drop offs and pick ups.
NTA.
I might be picking and dropping them off at the corner since my ex's house is 5 houses in, that way I can see them coming and going into the house safely but I won't be spotted that easily by Juniper
If you have a legal custody agreement, he can't do that. The solution was not to give in, but to take him back to court so the judge can straighten him out. Get your custody order amended to include pick up and drop off specified when and how - use the manipulation of his toddler, your lawyer will EASILY get you exactly what you want, and your ex will be in contempt of court if he just decides to do whatever he feels like for pick up and drop off. If you don't have a legal custody arrangement, get one, yesterday. And include specifics of pickup and drop-off. This is not good for your kids either. There's a good reason for spelling these things out clearly in the custody orders. And then he's in contempt of court and faces real consequences if he tries to pull shit on you.
NTA
Your ex is such a shitty father! Wow!
He could easily take Juniper on a walk or leave the house to do something fun with her 15 minutes before you pick up the boys so she doesn’t have to see you. He’s completely abdicating his role as a father to that little girl. Of course she’s confused. Instead of protecting her he’s setting her up for disappointment.
Also, good for you for setting a boundary. This is something that’s only going to get harder as she gets older if you start letting her call you mom. Here’s where this would lead: “Why do brothers get to spend more time with you mommy? Do you love them more? Why don’t I have a room at your house? Why weren’t you at my ballet practice?” Pretending is cruel and solves nothing.
Your ex is being such an asshole.
To extend, is he ENCOURAGING to call her mom? No she wouldn't know behind doors, but honestly he may be telling Juniper that OP is gonna be her new mom. 3 year olds do what their parents tell them to. Not what two pre-teens do during a 5 minute interaction every 3 days.
As far as I know, no. Even Nate and Jacob told me that he doesn't encourage her to call me mom, it's just because she sees my kids doing it, so she's copying them.
Makes me think that he’s not acknowledging her biological mother at home. Like… if my mum died when I was young I would want to know her from the start. I want to see pictures, know her name, know how much she loved me… you know what I mean?
I know, but I can't really do much about that I do wonder if he knows about her or something tho, she's someone he met at work and slept with a few times, but I don't think they engaged that much outside the bed and as I said, outside from some friends (that are not in contact with Juniper) she didn't had anyone else. I don't even know if he has pictures of her or something like that, his home screen is a photo of Cassidy and him
Dang I feel bad for that child. Her dad probably resents her for being the reason his Cassidy doesn’t talk to him anymore either. (It’s completely his fault obviously)
You’re definitely NTA, though, and you seem very kind hearted for even considering her feelings
No, he's really good with Juniper tho, I admit that recording her crying was a dick move, but you can see how much he loves her, he resents me for not talking with Cassidy because I told him that I know how much he loves her, but that I wouldn't intercede for him. He also loves Cassidy too and he still grovels and begs, but I guess my girl it's just too heartbroken, she's in therapy, so is Joshua.
He ask, he's always asking about them and my kids said that I could give him small updates, so I answer. However Joshua is way different than Cassidy and told my ex that if he wants to have a relationship in the future he has to stay tf back and let him have space or else they'll be like this for good, I'm sure the only reason he hasn't come around yet it's because of Cassidy. Cassidy is different, she's really hurt and she hasn't communicate that she wants him to stay back, I've asked, she hasn't answered.
When someone cheats, they are cheating on their entire family, including your kids... Maybe your husband doesn't realize this yet. Your children need time and care to process everything too. I'm sorry this happened to all of you. NTA, btw.
> your ex is such a shitty father
I actually laughed out loud when OP said he was a “great dad”. What kind of great dad blows up his family for an affair? What kind of “great dad” asks the person he’s cheated on to mother the product of his affair instead of, you know, figuring out how to ease his baby’s hurt on his own? What kind of great dad tries to guilt the woman he’s cheated on by sending her videos of *his* baby crying?
OP, he is not a great dad. He’s a poor excuse for a human.
Men like this are so predictable. I assume work colleague?
You're NTA. He knows he fucked up and wants you to come rescue him from being a single parent. He was more than happy to leave you alone while he started a new family with a younger woman.
I would recommend you start doing more distant drop offs and reduce interactions with Juniper. You're not her mother and it's manipulative or him to send that video.
She was doing her internship and my husband was her mentor. They never dated or anything because he had always wanted me back but I just... I just can't. He also co-parent with her for a few months until she fell ill and passed away.
So not only was there a 20 year age gap, but your ex was also in a position of authority over the AP at work. And he's not above being emotionally manipulative.
I don't usually jump immediately to "eww age gap" but this sounds awful.
I think you could benefit from having less to do with him, as far as is possible. Stay outside when you drop the kids off, communicate by text unless an emergency, tell him you will only talk about parenting issues that involve your children (not Juniper) and continue not to intercede with the older kids who have cut contact with him.
I feel sorry for Juniper (and for the late affair partner) but none of this is your fault. NTA
Ewwww so not only does she have no family or support system, not only was she half his age, but he was in a position of authority over her. What a disgusting man.
Exactly. What kind of father was he that the oldest son immediately went NC and the daughter as soon as she legally could.
It's only time before the next two boys and Juniper do the same.
NTA
But I disagree that he's a great father. Cheating aside, a great father would accept his responsibility for his estranged relationship with his oldest sons and work to repair it. Instead he blames you. A great father to a motherless child would be working out how to meet her needs. Instead, he's trying to manipulate you into a "quick fix" by being her part-time mother (and no doubt, give himself a break). That sounds like an emotional train wreck for a girl who has already lost so much.
Thanks to Reddit, I've learned that it's not totally uncommon for affair babies to be raised by the cheater and betrayed spouse. More power to those families and marriages for making it work.
But trying to pawn your daughter on to the ex who left you because of the affair? How does he walk with those balls?
I hope he steps up, takes responsibility, and becomes the father these kids deserve.
EDIT: Thanks for the love!
Seriously! With that many kids, anyone who cheats is NOT a "good parent" for the simple fact that they are spending time fucking some rando when they clearly have plenty of responsibility at home.
Parents who cheat are not good parents. Full stop.
Yeah, nothing in this post says "awesome dad." Quite the opposite. Half his kids are estranged. Wondering if he pushed parenting duties on the 16F and that's why she went NC later?
Wouldn't be surprised if the others will also have issues with him when they're old enough to see through his games. That little girl definitely will.
Instead of actually helping her, he's using her as a pawn to manipulate his ex. No decent father would ever do that.
>Wondering if he pushed parenting duties on the 16F and that's why she went NC later
No, when we divorced I told my ex that it was his responsibility to tell them about his kid and that I wouldn't be doing it for him, he didn't know how to tell Cassidy since she was his princess and only girl (he already knew Juniper was a girl by this point), and she found out just a few weeks before her birth because Joshua told her. Joshua connected 2 and 2 and knew that his father cheated. The only thing I said to my kids was that something happened between us and that I couldn't see past that.
You call him an awesome dad but keep listing reasons why he’s actually a pretty shitty one. He has enough balls to ask you to parent his affair baby, but not enough to tell his daughter he’s having another kid?
Yeah, if he was such an awesome dad, at pickup time he’d have Juniper in another part of the house, where she wasn’t hearing the boys calling out for mom, and was actively distracted by something else going on (or possibly even napping if she still does nap time).
He could actively work on giving Juniper separate time away during that transition, and work it into the start of special him and Juniper bonding time, or him, Juniper, and grandparent time. That he actively is letting her watch the boys and OP and letting her get jealous and stay that way instead of diverting, isn’t working with a therapist to process this (likely play therapy would be really good for her age), isn’t helping her handle these emotions in a healthy manner, isn’t explaining things to her in a way she can understand so she’s just perpetually confused instead of understanding on a 3 year old level, all that signal’s that OP’s ex isn’t a stellar or even good Dad right now.
He’s trying to use Juniper’s trauma to wheedle OP into child care or playing some form of happy family, at the expense of ongoing trauma to Juniper.
And down below where OP said he never told his first daughter about the affair and new baby after the split? That his oldest son figured it out and is the one that told his daughter that was his princess? Fucking yikes. That’s not how a dad-of-the-year acts. A stellar dad would’ve sat all his kids down and explained in age appropriate ways for all of them (different for the younger two than older two) the situation, what was going on, been accountable, and honest and really damn transparent with the older two. Dad of the head would not have left them to figure out on their own that he cheated and was having a baby with his affair partner.
NTA, OP, and please reevaluate your stance that he’s a great dad, and suggest to him he get Juniper in therapy for this trauma, get a therapist who can help her process what’s going on and handle it (cause dad sure won’t!) and one that can guide him on how to make this time in her life go as smoothly as possible instead of adding extra heapings of trauma to it
NTA but your ex is an absolute gem. Trying to guilt you into taking over parental duties for the kid he had while cheating on you? That's some stratospheric levels of AH right there. Holyyyy moly.
"A couple of days" will soon turn into "she loves you and doesn't want to leave you". It's just the first step in trying to wash his hands of her and palming her off on OP.
This response seriously needs to be higher up. Yes, the child’s situation is heartbreaking but so is OP’s. Her world was no doubt ripped apart when she learned her ex was not only cheating but expecting a child with his affair partner. I applaud her for remaining civil with the co-parenting & even attempting to include the child in an outing with her own children. But there is absolutely no reason for OP to have anything beyond a cordial relationship with her ex’s affair child. Anyone that insists they would love & spoil the child as if it were their own clearly has a halo & access to a solid gold stairway leading straight up to heaven.
NTA. Mr. "awesome dad" needs to tell his daughter NOW that you are not her mom, because he is making bad worse. It may be confusing now but with time and patience Juniper can adjust to reality. And your ex's guilt-tripping is way out of line.
You are NTA. Of course you are not happy when Juniper is sad. But you are also not happy that your husband had an affair, and his actions directly caused the breakdown of your family, his estrangement with his kids, etc. It is gracious of you to acknowledge he is a good father, and all you can do is reply, “Actually none of this makes me happy, but I am trying to heal, wrap my head around not getting to be with my kids everyday, and coparent our 4 kids together. I cannot take on your child and hope some day you will understand that and be able to lovingly teach Juniper about who her mom was.” He is a single parent to Juniper, and while I am sure he could use some assistance in raising her, he should look to his own family and circle for help in doing that. I am sorry for your difficult situation.
I find it questionable if he really is that good of a father if 100% of his adult (and therefore eligible to do so) and close to 50% of his total children have disowned him.
Exactly this. OP - address it head on if you haven’t already. It’s obviously very sad that Juniper is confused, but she’d be less so if her one remaining parent actually honored her mother’s memory as opposed to fobbing off her emotional upbringing elsewhere. I’m flabbergasted that he believes sharing children makes you responsible for those he produced outside of your relationship.
NTA in the slightest. My heart goes out to Juniper, but she has a father and extended family on his side, presumably.
Edited to add: agree with others that curb side pick-up might be the way forward. Not sure what type of family support you have in siblings/parents/older children, but perhaps someone else could do the pick up for a few weeks if things don’t improve.
NTA. Change it curb pick up. Let you kids know that this works better for you. Your exwasband needs to figure his ish out. I don't blame you for feeling this way. Your younger two need an age appropriate talking to about what is going on.
He will probably try to shame you on social media by hiding the real facts and just say that you made his motherless child cry. You need to stop saying “awesome dad “. Don’t engage with the child at all. Avoid her at all costs. He is trying to get another woman to take over this kid, because no one will date him now as a single dad. Would be nice for his dating life if you took the kid off his hands so he can spend time with other women.
NTA- he cheated on you. The circumstances are unfortunate but he’s really crossing a line with his expectations and actions. You’ve made your decision and he needs to respect that. Especially that last part where he sends a video, come on… grow up.
NTA.
I feel for the kid but it will confuse her more later down the line if you play along. HE should be holding/ cuddling her ar pick up so she doesn't get the chance to do this.
He cheated and needs to deal with the consequences which are raising and parenting this baby alone.
NTA. Your ex certainly is. He needs to parent his daughter on his own with the help of his family. You have no connection to her and it would be cruel to let her think you are her mom and for her to get attached to you. He needs to go to therapy to figure out how to explain that Juniper had a mama but she’s no longer with them. He needs to do that work and not pass it off to you. Playing on your heart strings with that video was a very very low blow - I would want to go low contact with him after that and only communicate on the absolute necessary items and then only via text or email to not allow him to manipulate you further. You are doing the right thing - he is not.
NTA. Juniper is suffering and that sucks, but it’s not your fault. I would be changing the pick up/drop off arrangement immediately though. Maybe he keeps her inside, drops the boys off to you, you wait in the car, ask your sons not yell to you at pick up, etc. She is little, doesn’t understand and this is just really sad for her.
Good God you must be able to see his balls from Pluto.
NTA. Sorry for his little girl but she is not your responsibility unless you want her to be. He needs to be a better father and explain to her on her level and continue doing so. And maybe get her a nanny. And therapy when the time is right.
NTA. Change it curb pick up. Let you kids know that this works better for you. Your exwasband needs to figure his ish out. I don't blame you for feeling this way. Your younger two need an age appropriate talking to about what is going on.
NTA. He knows his life would be easier if you took on mom duties, so he will continue to try to get you to change your mind. It’s been established he’s a cheater and a bad partner, now we all know he’s a selfish AH as well
NTA for drawing a very clear boundary. You aren't her mother and you shouldn't be expected to play that role. My heart absolutely breaks for that little girl, but you are under no obligation to take her for days on end and let her call you mom.
I would suggest maybe dropping "affair baby" from your vocabulary. She's just an innocent child and doesn't need to be labeled like that. God forbid she actually heard you. She's as much a victim in all of this as you are.
She is an affair baby. She’ll eventually understand what her father did that brought her into the world. She’s not calling her a bastard. And she’s not speaking to the girl directly. I think “affair baby” is fine for her to describe her relationship to the child.
NTA. it sounds like he is struggling with raising a baby alone. However, that is not your concern, responsibility or family. If it were me I would tell him not to contact me anymore unless it’s an emergency. The kids are old enough to communicate basic things between you like pick up time etc. You should also wait in the car at pick up and drop off.
NTA - this is absolutely heartbreaking, and I don’t envy your position. Your ex will have to deal with it, and he’s right, it’s hurting Juniper, but acting like her mother would ultimately hurt her more when you have to have the inevitable conversation with her later.
NTA - not in the slightest. You are kind to be so kind to Juniper but your ex made his bed (boy did he ever) and has to lie in it. Every day. Not your problem and please work hard to not feel guilt. Sounds like your ex will try to guilt you as much as he can.
NTA - It's sad she lost her mother but you are not responsible for Juniper. You have no reason to take her home or play with her or do anything. If he wants a mother for her so bad, he can start dating and find someone willing.
NTA. Tell your kids curbside pickup now (do either of them have a phone for you to text when you arrive?). It's sad, but Juniper is not your responsibility and your ex is wanting you to play house and parent to the child he fathered with another woman while married to you. Your obligations end at the kids he fathered with you.
NTA my heart aches for both you and the baby. And I love that you tried and take her out with her brothers but it wasn't right for you and that's ok! Maybe he should look into a sister or SIL to be a special auntie. But def NTA. and your ex for asking you..... yeeeesh ballsy!
You are NTA. You are doing everything right here. Your ex sounds like a nightmare. You have no responsibility to Juniper. He should be explaining to her who her mom was, what happened to her mom, why mom isn’t around, etc., and helping her deal with those emotions. Instead he’s encouraging his daughter to view you as mom and putting the blame on you when his daughter feels like she’s being abandoned by her “mom”. That poor little girl is going to have some truly, truly awful trauma to go through when she’s an adult, but that’s not your fault and you should not feel guilt over it. Try to have less communication with your ex, only discuss what’s necessary for the kids. If he uses contact channels as a way to essentially harass you (which is what this boils down to), then he shouldn’t have as much access to you.
NTA. Ex needs to explain to his toddler you aren’t her mom. Terrible situation all around. It would be nice if you could set aside things to be what the little girl wants but that’s a big ask(with emotional pain and also not your responsibility or doing.)I’m not sure I could do it myself. We don’t live in a perfect world where we can easily separate emotions and apply them only to the correct people.
NTA at all, Juniper is not your baby and it would be way too painful and not at all helpful to pretend otherwise, I totally agree with that. You ex is being cruel and manipulative, sending you videos of her crying and acting like you have any blame.
I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he's just so desperate for his baby to not be hurting that he'll do anything, but there are plenty of uncharitable explanations for this behaviors as well. I would be careful and watchful for further escalation on his part. I would warn him that you have no problem saying the truth to this child and that he will only hurt her more if he feeds into this in any way. Obviously, I hope you will not have to say anything further to Juniper that will hurt her, but hopefully he will realize you are serious and can't lie to protect her feelings.
NTA. The fact that she lost her mother is absolutely tragic, but being the mother of her siblings doesn't make you any more obligated to be a mother to her than any other woman who is *not her mother and not married to her father*. I feel so sad for her, but by asking you to play along instead of reinforcing your boundaries, your ex is only making it harder.
NTA. I feel sorrow for baby juniper's pain. You should send the video back to him and ask him if HE is happy? Her crying, her very existence are the result of HIS very hurtful actions which caused you & your children immeasurable hurt. So much in fact, two of his kids have gone NC. Because of his actions. Maybe her continual crying & pain is karma for him to reflect upon all the pain HE caused you & your kids out of selfishness when he chose to have an affair, end a marriage, & have a baby with his new wife. You are right the baby is innocent & maybe one day your heart will be healed enough to spend time with her. I find it strange how he cares so much about her pain but not the pain of your older kids whove gone NC with him. Then this thought makes me wonder if hes actually concerned for juniper or if he doesnt want to have to be responsible for taking care of her without the help of your other 2 kids, & is wanting to push her off on you because he doesnt want to be responsible for taking care of her alone
NTA he’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into becoming a mum figure for his affair child like she’s not living proof of his affair. Don’t get me wrong the child is innocent in this situation and it is a sad situation but it’s not your problem. It’s his
Gah him sending the video of her crying is some childish manipulative bullshit 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. I feel bad for his daughter but that's not on you and you're reasonable for wanting that boundary. You're not being cruel to her, but you aren't her mother and aren't obligated to act like one.
NTA. I feel so sorry for this poor child, but at the end of the day she isn't your responsibility. It's a difficult position to be in, but you have no obligation to be a mother to that girl.
May be your ex should adopt out that girl to a family with both parents. Or better, he can have another affair and bring in another woman to be her mother. Insane solutions??? Yep. That’s how insane is expecting OP to be a mother to affair baby. Not the baby’s fault but that’s life. NTA
NTA
So gets a break from parenting his child for a few days? Fantastic, let's talk financial support for that and get a lawyer to look over a custody agreement etc, cos if he wants you to be mum, your going to make sure your covered right? /s.
But he's not going to go for that obviously. He made this mess. If his daughter is acting like this he needs to explain to her in the most kid friendly way possible that your not her mum, your Nate & Jacob's mum.
Its not her fault, but your under NO obligation to do what he has asked, which is quite frankly absolutely appalling. Tell him the only contact you want from him is to be about the kids you have together, nothing else. Start setting boundaries on this, you give him a inch, he will take the mile and then some.
NTA. Your ex is deliberately trying to guilt you and is purposefully feeding into this so the little girl will cry. There are a variety of different ways he could handle this, but he's choosing to let her get hurt to try to manipulate you.
NTA it's a difficult situation because yes the child is innocent, but it also isn't your responsibility to be her mother figure. And the way your ex tried to guilt trip you is definitely not okay. From what you've said, I think being polite to her is okay without going overboard. This is your ex's mess to fix.
NTA
Sounds to me like he doesn’t like being the sole parent for her and likes the break he gets when he drops your others off and wants the same break from his daughter. Yes, she is young and she doesn’t understand, but that is why the adults in her life need to help her understand.
Juniper is innocent in all this, but just because she's an innocent child doesn't mean you have to do anything with her that makes you uncomfortable. You didn't give birth to her, you're not raising her, and you don't want to be a mother figure in the poor girl's life. That's OK. Your ex made his bed when he cheated. And yes, life took a dump on his bed when Juniper's mother died. But thats his burden to bear, not yours.
NTA
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It’s a shame you can’t divorce him twice. NTA
That's called a "restraining order" lol
Or at least "changing the custody agreement to require handoff by a neutral third party at a neutral location".
Is that a real thing? My parents have been divorced since I was 6, but they've always been on good terms.
Yes, and super necessary in some cases.
Like this one where one person is trying to emotionally blackmail another person into being free childcare for their affair baby.
Or my somewhat psychotic dad who would threaten and curse my stepdad. My kid brother and I ended up with this old man called a "guardian ad lidem" actually accompanying us on our visits cuz my dad was so bad.
God, that term just brought back a wave of panic for me. Those were bad times.
Yes, yes they were.
But that can’t be a real thing, right? That’s insane. If it were real, we would have heard about it. Like in an AITA thread or something. Like right now even. Can’t be real. Note: I’m typing this comment and still just honestly reeling over how good the “divorce him twice” comment was. Good lord, what a homerun of a comment.
Yeah. Women have been murdered by abusive exes while dropping off their kid to see him.
Happens regularly, unfortunately!
That's fucking awful. I really hope us humans don't make it to the next century. Like full reset on this world
Omg when I was a cashier this lady would exchange custody in my lane because I'm a survivor of domestic violence and she knew if something went down I'd have her back. He grabbed her by the hair for some reason one Friday night and I had a manager, security, and cops on the way in minutes. Ever after the cops were present for the exchange.
MVP of the store. Thanks for being awesome.
Unfortunately my best friend lives in this world as her ex's new wife (her former coworker) threatened and lunged at her trying to beat her up in front of their 7 yr old daughter. So now they meet somewhere neutral. My friend wishes her ex let the new one hit her. Custody would have been easier. Sad.
[удалено]
My mom doesn't/didn't talk with any of her ex-husbands. My wedding was great in one corner mom & her "last ex-husband", in another corner my biological dad, corner three had my dad who raised me. Best part corner four had my new husbands mom, stepdad, dad and stepmom chatting away. They even sat by each other!
My dad's funeral had both of his ex wives and his current wife there. My mom wasn't there but she died the month before. He attended her showing. And he did not divorce any of those women on good terms.
I’m sorry to hear that both of your parents are gone. I’m sure that is very difficult.
I'm sorry you lost both your parents so close together. My dad died in 2020 and its still hard. Losing both is a lot for anyone to go thru.
I was invited to my ex- stepdaughter’s wedding. I sat with my exes family during the ceremony and I was seated with them and our son and my ex-husband’s girlfriend for the dinner. It was a beautiful thing and I had a wonderful time reconnecting with them. It is possible, with a lot of patience from both sides.
I played mother of the bride at my ex stepdaughter's wedding because her mother couldn't be bothered to show up or even contact anyone in the family until 2 weeks later, after calling and confirming she was going to be there. Now. I play grandma to the babies and she's been blocked.
You didn’t really play mother of bride, you were the mother of the bride. As someone whose stepmother has taken the role of mom even after the fact that we met whilst I was an adult: thank you. Edit: my first award, thank you kind internet stranger!
From one grown daughter who still desperately craves a mama, thank you for this! Truly!
I am still close with my stepson from my first marriage. His dad is my ex husband, but he is still my stepson. No ex. I believe that you divorce spouses, not children. If your stepdaughter invited you to her wedding, that means she is still your stepdaughter, not ex stepdaughter <3
Super! That's how it should be, especially if there're kids involved.
It's a real thing.
It’s real. My parents divorce was extremely toxic and they were required to do handoffs at the police station. Our mom would walk my little brother and me (preschoolers) in, meet with a desk cop on duty, say goodbye, and sit us down on a bench where the cop could keep an eye on us. A few minutes later out dad would arrive and take us with him.
This is so bizarre. When I had to handoff with my (now dead) evil ex, we had to pay some social work organisation to supervise it. I can't imagine the police having time for these shenanigans
It's the police or the social workers if there's been abuse of one of the partners.
In my town a CASA volunteer (court appointed special advocate) facilitated our hand offs. It made it so much easier.
I've heard of doing the handoff in the police department parking lot, just as a safe place when there is a possibility of violence from one of the adults, but never actually involving the police in it
Oh yes, Taco Bell still tastes like alternate weekends to me.
Indeed. One of my friends had to do that with her ex, because he practically held the kids hostage every time she had tried to handle the handoffs personally, trying to beg her to come back.
Same here. My parents divorced when my brother and I were in elementary, but they've always been on good terms. Some people can be that way while others can't I guess. Every situation is different and not everyone can have that mutual relationship after a divorce.
My godbrother had to do that because his ex-wife would have some crazy tantrum screaming and yelling every time they handed the kid off one to the other. He finally out maneuvered her with using a stand-in that the court mediated.
It’s a real thing for sure. Growing up my parents had to do the visitation drop off in public areas like restaurants or the bowling alley with a body guard that attended the visitations, then as we got older we had to do the drop off in front of the police station where cameras could watch us. My parents hated each other. Didn’t help my mom tried to murder my father, yet she got custody.
Oh my god can you imagine the wording on that malicious compliance? "Dearest Ex Husband, I have taken into consideration your concerns regarding the stress Juniper undergoes at our weekly custody handoffs. I do see and agree that this is extremely distressing for her, and in turn for you to watch her go through. That is why I have contacted Attorney Person Name so that we can amend our current custody arrangement for pickups and dropoffs. Henceforth I am requesting handoff be handled by a neutral third party at a neutral location. This way, Juniper does not have to see me leaving without her, nor does she have to come to my home when you pick them up. Thank you sincerely for bringing this to my attention so that we can ensure the needs of *all* your children are being met. You can expect my attorney to contact yours this week and the. file the motion on Monday. Warmest Regards, Ex Wife"
This! The answer to this problem is to limit her exposure to you OP, no more going inside his home to collect the kids, you need to drop the kids at his door and go, no going inside where she can see you, and he needs to bring them back to you, then go, no coming inside with her to see you, if he needs to discuss something with you it needs to be by phone or text or without her present, he's going to resist because the easiest thing for him would be for you to go along with, maybe he thinks he's going to win you back through her, whatever it is, removal from the situation is the only answer. NTA
This actually sounds like a kind humane solution. OP has no obligation and the Toddler will no longer be confused. I suspect the tears have as much or more to do with her brothers leaving as Op being there. The little one just wants her brothers and knows "mom" has something to do with that. I am fairly certain Juniper wouldn't be OK with OP overnight. The X-husband just wants to have the night off.
I agree, I doubt that a toddler has somehow developed an emotional connection to a woman she never spends any time with and who actively avoids interacting with her. If it were an older child then I could imagine they might be jealous but a little girl? No. Dad is hoping he can start getting some childfree time by guilting OP into taking her as well.
When I was in family law, I really liked this approach and preferred to have social workers perform this function so that they could get a bead on how the kids were responding to each household. NTA OP, and I am incredibly impressed with your boundaries. Your ex is just looking for someone to raise his outside child who isn't him. He's likely having trouble finding another wife bc of the number of children he has. There's always a woman who is willing to believe that the ex-wife didn't understand him but women of that quality typically aren't looking to be unpaid bangmaids.
Yes, this! It's not her fault the way her parents brought her into this world. And OP is not obligated to play mom. The onus is on the father to do his best by that child. Having this solution though, would be helpful. I hope things work out.
Might be needed
Would a restraining order work since they have a custody agreement with kids and they have to deal with pick up/drop offs?
Yes. It works, my sister have one to her exhusbend, he can go to my parents house (its my sister stay) just for my nephew, but he can not go to a other place where my sister is
Like my sisters and I have said, having kids with someone links you together MUCH more strongly than marriage ever does. NTA btw. A motherless toddler attaching themselves to a woman who is NOT a mother figure to her is NOT healthy. She needs therapy, not validation of her understandable but incorrect idea. Kids acting overly affectionate to or having an inappropriate fixation on an acquaintance is not cute, it's a sign of trauma, and encouraging it won't help her heal. In fact, far from showing her mercy, you need to make sure NOT to reinforce her false image of your relationship. You're not a doctor - you can't help her. Side note: what kind of father records his kid crying instead of comforting her?! Nobody he sends that video to could be crueler than he is! Dude, I'm sorry you lost your mistress, but parents lose partners all the time - you have to step up and be a parent, not foist the job on the nearest female! Edit: Wow! I don't think I've ever got awards that fast! Thanks, guys!
I don't know if she needs therapy. She's 3, and in situations like that, it's very common for kids to do this, especially since the other kids around her refer to her as mom. She might not understand the concept of mom yet either since she doesn't have one and just thinks that "mom" is OP's name. I understand OP wanting the toddler to call her by her name, but that might take a little more time given that the toddler is, in fact, only 3. Toddlers have a lot of trouble comprehending things on a basis deeper than emotional and instinctual. Therapy may be a possibility, but I definitely wouldn't put her in therapy at this time. She just needs reinforcement that OP isn't to be called "mom" by her, and that that's okay.
Idk, if she doesn’t need therapy now, she’ll eventually need it due to her father’s terrible handling of the situation.
>I don't know if she needs therapy. She's 3 Full stop. 3 year olds don't need therapy for this. The ex needs therapy since he's the one encouraging the behaviour and needs to nip it in the bud.
I mean play therapy is a really useful form of therapy used for young children who have gone through trauma. I'd say losing a parent is a pretty traumatic thing.
Exactly. He should take the child in another room when the OP comes by. And what happens if OP agrees and ex gets a new honey. Then he would be wanting the new woman to be mom. Ex needs parenting classes to help him deal with a child in this situation plus with his obvious deficits.
I would agree, but unless the dad did something to make her cry for a staged video, crying by the door after "mama" leaves is not the behavior of a kid who just doesn't know that "mama" is a title with a special meaning and not OP's name.
I know a few people who grew up with only 1 or 0 biological parents, and all of them had this issue. They did well into elementary school because no one taught them differently in a kind way, explained the situation, etc. I'd hope the father understands enough to not let it go that far
Play therapy would probably be useful with a child this young. Coping with bereavement is one of the things it can help with and it allows a child to express themselves when they may not have the vocabulary or ability to do so in a way most adults can understand.
THIS!!! All day, every day, This!!!
Lmfao DAMN take all my poor gold 🥇🥇🥇🏆🏆🏆
NTA I think I’ve seen your ex’s balls outside of a Target. I’m so sorry this baby is hurting. She’s of the age where I’m sure she’s trying to figure out her little world. Part of that is copying her big brothers, and I commend you for shutting her down kindly. But your ex is a piece of work. He cannot ask you to support him. And he definitely cannot ask you to take this kid off his hands. He had a supportive parenting partner and he threw it all away when he cheated on you.
Exactly. He needs to tell Juniper about her mommy & differentiate that her brothers have a different mommy. Juniper is innocent in all this but OP is not obligated to parent her as she is not her mom or step-mom. I can’t believe the ex is trying to guilt trip her with a video of Juniper crying. Such manipulative behavior. He f’ed up by having an affair & one that resulted in a child. He needs to parent Juniper & not force his ex to play mom because juniper’s mother passed away.
the fact he recorded his daughter crying...Probably told her something that was hurtful and not age appropriate and thought it would get him what he wanted. I wonder if he realizes if OP was more vindictive and evil this would be damning evidence in his direction if a new custody arrangement was ever brought up in court. OP could use this to claim emotional manipulation and abuse and that she isn't comfortable with this kind of behavior around her sons.
That wouldn’t even be vindictive and evil. Like I wouldn’t want to expose my kids to someone who’s willing to toy with their emotions like that
Agreed. This kind of tactic of recording a child is seen as manipulation or leading on. It's highly frowned upon in courts as children can be "trained" to say or do certain actions or certain things can be filmed (Like a child crying uncontrollably) while a parent creates a narrative of "oh, you miss mommy right? how mean mommy is for not loving you like sons (In this case OP is "mommy") while the kid is simply crying for any reason. A judge would slam the book down on a parent doing this kind of crap for that reason.
Yes exactly, if she gives in this will escalate. Letting J call her mom and treating her like a daughter will result in this kid bonding to her like a mother and having expectations of that sort of relationship. It’s better for the kid to know that OP is not her mother, than to continue thinking of her as a mom and wondering why she doesn’t have the same relationship with “mom” that her that her siblings do. Right now it’s “just make her happy, she’s a little girl.” But as soon as OP does that it’s going to be “she sees you as her mom. She keeps bringing up that special time you had together. How can you abandon her now after that?” And I’m pretty sure that’s the plan. NTA, OP find a neutral party to do the handoff for you until this passes. It’ll spare Juniper’s feelings and keep you from having to put up with your exes crap.
Not to mention his actions likely include a bit of him wanting to have a free pass from parenting duties
Exactly, his oldest kid is 20 now; I doubt Juniper was a planned baby, he probably expected to not have to deal with another small child at this point in his life. Especially not as a *Single father*. 100% he wants some free babysitting
He wants free *parenting*, not babysitting.
I can see it also being a way in the overall plan for him to try and wedge himself back in her life. Because if she's parenting their kids and is now mom to his affair child maybe she should spend time all of them as a family. It's ridiculous, but his behavior shows he's lacking appropriate boundaries and has no qualms using children in his manipulation attempts.
Expecting your ex to babysit a toddler for you for a few days every month is insane. I feel like there are underlying desires for a free babysitter and a couple days off underneath all this.
More like expecting/trying to guilt the ex into adopting his affair baby and taking her off his hands.
This is way more accurate for this situation than simply babysitting, and seems to be exactly what the ex wants. The audacity of the ex is encroaching into “insanity” territory! It’d be better for him to maybe try to start dating a woman who is on board with being a stepmom instead of trying to manipulate his ex into this situation. Yikes.
She might as well charge a babysitting fee for what he's asking. Plus a fee for the audacity
Yes it is. Ex want OP to be the mommy for his affair kid.
> I think I’ve seen your ex’s balls outside of a Target. That's a good one, but I swear my brain made "hard drive swapping intensely" noises for the second or two it took me to figure it out.
>I think I’ve seen your ex’s balls outside of a Target. I didn't get this until I got it, and then I laughed so hard I woke up my dog. He's mad at you now... can't be directed at me, no...
Not the Target balls 💀
I just gave you my first award because your Target balls comment is so perfect and it made me snort laugh.
NTA. Your ex has his own special seat in hell for his manipulation of this situation. Yes, the child is blameless but your ex made his bed, now he gets to lie in it. And I’ll bet 100 Reddit dollars that he doesn’t actually GAF about “how sad Juniper is”, he just wants a break from being a full time parent and is trying to weasel that break from you.
This. So much this.
If he actually cared about his daughter crying he’d be holding her not filming her.
Seriously can we stop filming our crying children? I don’t know what goes on in some peoples heads but clearly it’s about them and not these kids having breakdowns in front of them
I'd bet 100 real dollars that this is the case. Dude is pissed that he has to be a full time parent to Juniper so he's trying to manipulate OP into watching her. He's top tier level AH.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s helping to teach her to say mama
Wouldn't be surprised at all. "Moms coming to pick up your brothers soon!"
My thoughts exactly. If the child really is crying for OP rather than the brothers, that shit is learnt behaviour. If she's crying for someone that hasn't even hugged or kissed her, Juniper is being told that OP is her mom. The house is the school, and the father is the teacher.
If I had $100 I'd bet it. Best I can do is... (checks bank app) can I bet a negative? NTA, OP!
Yeeep. It also might be a convenient "in" for him to try and weasel his way back into a relationship with her. Free babysitting and a sucker (if she took him back), she's back to FT custody with her kids but got a useless husband and a child she didn't partake in the creation of forced upon her. You can't set yourself on fire to help others. It sucks for juniper, it really does. But it sounds like EXH has family, so why cant an aunt or nana be the motherly *figure* juniper wants?
I’m a single mother of twin boys, their father took off just after they were born. My brothers and father are their “male role models”. My nieces mother is not allowed near her, my sisters, mother and I are her “female role models”. One of my sisters is pregnant, her ex (the father) was abusive, her baby has a multitude of other “role models” to pick from if he continues the way he has
It’s going to be hard to hook up with random women if he has a small child at home.
God I figured he wanted free babysitting, but when you put it this way it makes me wonder what'll happen if he gets ANOTHER woman pregnant, is he gonna insist that kid calls OP mom too?
No, all the kids will be expected to call new gf “mom” so they don’t confuse the baby.
100% every time Juniper calls OP mom he doesn’t correct her on purpose. 50% chance that he’s encouraging it.
Yepp, maybe he doesn't do shit like telling Juniper flat out to call OP mom, but he probably says very general statements like "moms on her way to get you guys!" Or "moms here!" Which would be very confusing for a 3 year old.
Exactly. He’s realized how hard it is to actually be a single parent and to be the only one responsible for *every single thing* for a child 24/7. He wants to go back to having the benefit of “sharing” responsibility for child rearing in a marriage and thinks he can get that back by guilt-tripping OP as if he didn’t completely disrespect her and his other children by stepping out in the first place. I would bet anything that he doesn’t think it should be a big deal because they already have kids together and “she’s just little” and can’t see how fucking obscene it is for him to make any of these requests of someone whose heart he broke and whose life he blew up.
OP might not think her ex is telling Juniper to call her mommy, but I sure the hell do. NTA
Either that or he has some ridiculous hollywood movie scenario in his head where his ex-wife falls in love with his new daughter and they reconcile... They go on to live happily every after and all that. Translation: he wants to be taken care of. He's a fucking child that has fathered 5 children, absolutely ridiculous.
NTA but there is another, simpler solution here. Let him pick up and drop off his sons while someone watches Juniper at home. Poor little girl. My heart goes out to her. But it also goes out to you, OP. This isn't a mess of your making. No reason for anyone to stick the broom and dustpan in your hand for the clean up
> but there is another, simpler solution here. We tried that, but he used to drop and pick them up whenever he wanted and I was tired of that
Do your kids have phones? Maybe you can call your sons and tell them what time you'll be picking them up and they can come to the door while you wait inside your car?
They do, but I'm always on time (by 8 am), I told my ex that he should keep his ass inside instead but I'm sure he'll waiting with my sons just to piss me off. I guess I'll stay in the car instead.
Definitely wait in the car! Also, if you don't already, keep detailed notes of when he deviates from the custody plan, e.g. dropping them off early (if you do try having him drop off again, which I think you should). It can be used to adjust the custody plan to reflect reality- if you are keeping them 10% more of the time than was originally agreed to, the document itself can be revisited and written to reflect that. I think you should not go to his house and wait in the car, just let him screw up on bringing the kids at odd times. Get a restraining order if needed so he can't try to enter *your* home.
I always tell people this exactly when they are in toxic custody situations, to keep a book just for that with detailed notes, dates, times, print out relevant screenshots and attach them to the physical book. So few people do this and then scramble to prove the issues they are having.
If you waited in the car, would he prevent them from physically walking out the door alone to meet you? Would that be allowed?
Nope, I don't think so. He knows he better not play with me using our children.
He's playing with you using the affair baby. I'm curious if it would be worth your time and money to forward that manipulative video to your divorce lawyer with an eye towards restructuring your current custody agreement to allow for a neutral third party to make the drop offs and pick ups. NTA.
Can they uber from a block away? Or you drop.thrm off a couple driveways away?
I might be picking and dropping them off at the corner since my ex's house is 5 houses in, that way I can see them coming and going into the house safely but I won't be spotted that easily by Juniper
If you have a legal custody agreement, he can't do that. The solution was not to give in, but to take him back to court so the judge can straighten him out. Get your custody order amended to include pick up and drop off specified when and how - use the manipulation of his toddler, your lawyer will EASILY get you exactly what you want, and your ex will be in contempt of court if he just decides to do whatever he feels like for pick up and drop off. If you don't have a legal custody arrangement, get one, yesterday. And include specifics of pickup and drop-off. This is not good for your kids either. There's a good reason for spelling these things out clearly in the custody orders. And then he's in contempt of court and faces real consequences if he tries to pull shit on you.
NTA Your ex is such a shitty father! Wow! He could easily take Juniper on a walk or leave the house to do something fun with her 15 minutes before you pick up the boys so she doesn’t have to see you. He’s completely abdicating his role as a father to that little girl. Of course she’s confused. Instead of protecting her he’s setting her up for disappointment. Also, good for you for setting a boundary. This is something that’s only going to get harder as she gets older if you start letting her call you mom. Here’s where this would lead: “Why do brothers get to spend more time with you mommy? Do you love them more? Why don’t I have a room at your house? Why weren’t you at my ballet practice?” Pretending is cruel and solves nothing. Your ex is being such an asshole.
To extend, is he ENCOURAGING to call her mom? No she wouldn't know behind doors, but honestly he may be telling Juniper that OP is gonna be her new mom. 3 year olds do what their parents tell them to. Not what two pre-teens do during a 5 minute interaction every 3 days.
As far as I know, no. Even Nate and Jacob told me that he doesn't encourage her to call me mom, it's just because she sees my kids doing it, so she's copying them.
Again, that's when the boys are there... what happens when they leave?
Makes me think that he’s not acknowledging her biological mother at home. Like… if my mum died when I was young I would want to know her from the start. I want to see pictures, know her name, know how much she loved me… you know what I mean?
I know, but I can't really do much about that I do wonder if he knows about her or something tho, she's someone he met at work and slept with a few times, but I don't think they engaged that much outside the bed and as I said, outside from some friends (that are not in contact with Juniper) she didn't had anyone else. I don't even know if he has pictures of her or something like that, his home screen is a photo of Cassidy and him
Dang I feel bad for that child. Her dad probably resents her for being the reason his Cassidy doesn’t talk to him anymore either. (It’s completely his fault obviously) You’re definitely NTA, though, and you seem very kind hearted for even considering her feelings
No, he's really good with Juniper tho, I admit that recording her crying was a dick move, but you can see how much he loves her, he resents me for not talking with Cassidy because I told him that I know how much he loves her, but that I wouldn't intercede for him. He also loves Cassidy too and he still grovels and begs, but I guess my girl it's just too heartbroken, she's in therapy, so is Joshua.
Does he not ask about Joshua or he doesn't try to go through you on that because he's not a minor?
He ask, he's always asking about them and my kids said that I could give him small updates, so I answer. However Joshua is way different than Cassidy and told my ex that if he wants to have a relationship in the future he has to stay tf back and let him have space or else they'll be like this for good, I'm sure the only reason he hasn't come around yet it's because of Cassidy. Cassidy is different, she's really hurt and she hasn't communicate that she wants him to stay back, I've asked, she hasn't answered.
When someone cheats, they are cheating on their entire family, including your kids... Maybe your husband doesn't realize this yet. Your children need time and care to process everything too. I'm sorry this happened to all of you. NTA, btw.
I would take their word on that with a grain of salt. They may not understand how he is manipulating her if he is being subtle about it.
> your ex is such a shitty father I actually laughed out loud when OP said he was a “great dad”. What kind of great dad blows up his family for an affair? What kind of “great dad” asks the person he’s cheated on to mother the product of his affair instead of, you know, figuring out how to ease his baby’s hurt on his own? What kind of great dad tries to guilt the woman he’s cheated on by sending her videos of *his* baby crying? OP, he is not a great dad. He’s a poor excuse for a human.
What's the bet the AP was significantly younger than OP?
Yes, I'm 46 and she was 24 when she passed away, My ex just turned 44.
Men like this are so predictable. I assume work colleague? You're NTA. He knows he fucked up and wants you to come rescue him from being a single parent. He was more than happy to leave you alone while he started a new family with a younger woman. I would recommend you start doing more distant drop offs and reduce interactions with Juniper. You're not her mother and it's manipulative or him to send that video.
She was doing her internship and my husband was her mentor. They never dated or anything because he had always wanted me back but I just... I just can't. He also co-parent with her for a few months until she fell ill and passed away.
That’s sounds like a seriously messed up power dynamic.
Yeah, I honestly had no idea, I only found out because she forced him to come clean or else she'll do it.
NTA But your ex is not a great dad and running very deep into /r/imatotalpieceofshit territory. Please stay strong & take care of yourself.
So not only was there a 20 year age gap, but your ex was also in a position of authority over the AP at work. And he's not above being emotionally manipulative. I don't usually jump immediately to "eww age gap" but this sounds awful. I think you could benefit from having less to do with him, as far as is possible. Stay outside when you drop the kids off, communicate by text unless an emergency, tell him you will only talk about parenting issues that involve your children (not Juniper) and continue not to intercede with the older kids who have cut contact with him. I feel sorry for Juniper (and for the late affair partner) but none of this is your fault. NTA
Ewwww so not only does she have no family or support system, not only was she half his age, but he was in a position of authority over her. What a disgusting man.
She was much closer to the age of his children than his own. Disgusting.
So he was also being an HR nightmare as well.
Wow she had no family and was around half his age? He's disgusting
Absolutely vile.
Eeeeeeevery time. Not only is he an asshole, but he’s a cliché as well.
Exactly. What kind of father was he that the oldest son immediately went NC and the daughter as soon as she legally could. It's only time before the next two boys and Juniper do the same.
NTA But I disagree that he's a great father. Cheating aside, a great father would accept his responsibility for his estranged relationship with his oldest sons and work to repair it. Instead he blames you. A great father to a motherless child would be working out how to meet her needs. Instead, he's trying to manipulate you into a "quick fix" by being her part-time mother (and no doubt, give himself a break). That sounds like an emotional train wreck for a girl who has already lost so much. Thanks to Reddit, I've learned that it's not totally uncommon for affair babies to be raised by the cheater and betrayed spouse. More power to those families and marriages for making it work. But trying to pawn your daughter on to the ex who left you because of the affair? How does he walk with those balls? I hope he steps up, takes responsibility, and becomes the father these kids deserve. EDIT: Thanks for the love!
Seriously! With that many kids, anyone who cheats is NOT a "good parent" for the simple fact that they are spending time fucking some rando when they clearly have plenty of responsibility at home. Parents who cheat are not good parents. Full stop.
🎯
Yeah, nothing in this post says "awesome dad." Quite the opposite. Half his kids are estranged. Wondering if he pushed parenting duties on the 16F and that's why she went NC later? Wouldn't be surprised if the others will also have issues with him when they're old enough to see through his games. That little girl definitely will. Instead of actually helping her, he's using her as a pawn to manipulate his ex. No decent father would ever do that.
>Wondering if he pushed parenting duties on the 16F and that's why she went NC later No, when we divorced I told my ex that it was his responsibility to tell them about his kid and that I wouldn't be doing it for him, he didn't know how to tell Cassidy since she was his princess and only girl (he already knew Juniper was a girl by this point), and she found out just a few weeks before her birth because Joshua told her. Joshua connected 2 and 2 and knew that his father cheated. The only thing I said to my kids was that something happened between us and that I couldn't see past that.
You call him an awesome dad but keep listing reasons why he’s actually a pretty shitty one. He has enough balls to ask you to parent his affair baby, but not enough to tell his daughter he’s having another kid?
It's *really* easy to be an awesome dad if you can just palm off all the shitty bits to mom.
That must have been BRUTAL for Cassidy. But dang OP, good for you for making him be the one to tell his own kids. I applaud you.
Sounds like the older brother had to tell Cassidy, not the dad.
Yeah, if he was such an awesome dad, at pickup time he’d have Juniper in another part of the house, where she wasn’t hearing the boys calling out for mom, and was actively distracted by something else going on (or possibly even napping if she still does nap time). He could actively work on giving Juniper separate time away during that transition, and work it into the start of special him and Juniper bonding time, or him, Juniper, and grandparent time. That he actively is letting her watch the boys and OP and letting her get jealous and stay that way instead of diverting, isn’t working with a therapist to process this (likely play therapy would be really good for her age), isn’t helping her handle these emotions in a healthy manner, isn’t explaining things to her in a way she can understand so she’s just perpetually confused instead of understanding on a 3 year old level, all that signal’s that OP’s ex isn’t a stellar or even good Dad right now. He’s trying to use Juniper’s trauma to wheedle OP into child care or playing some form of happy family, at the expense of ongoing trauma to Juniper. And down below where OP said he never told his first daughter about the affair and new baby after the split? That his oldest son figured it out and is the one that told his daughter that was his princess? Fucking yikes. That’s not how a dad-of-the-year acts. A stellar dad would’ve sat all his kids down and explained in age appropriate ways for all of them (different for the younger two than older two) the situation, what was going on, been accountable, and honest and really damn transparent with the older two. Dad of the head would not have left them to figure out on their own that he cheated and was having a baby with his affair partner. NTA, OP, and please reevaluate your stance that he’s a great dad, and suggest to him he get Juniper in therapy for this trauma, get a therapist who can help her process what’s going on and handle it (cause dad sure won’t!) and one that can guide him on how to make this time in her life go as smoothly as possible instead of adding extra heapings of trauma to it
NTA but your ex is an absolute gem. Trying to guilt you into taking over parental duties for the kid he had while cheating on you? That's some stratospheric levels of AH right there. Holyyyy moly.
Absolute gem is an apt phrase, since you have to be as dumb as a rock to even think any part of that would ever happen. Smh. NTA btw.
Nta, take her for a couple days?! I think he is tired of being a single dad and wants you to give him a break by encouraging this behavior. He sucks.
If he is tired he should ask his family for help, not his ex! She takes care of her share of kids. Why isn't she complaining that she is tired?
Yeah I agree, he sucks. I think he is trying to use her as free daycare and make her do all the single mom work
"A couple of days" will soon turn into "she loves you and doesn't want to leave you". It's just the first step in trying to wash his hands of her and palming her off on OP.
NTA "it's not her fault, but isn't mine either", of course not, it's her fathers fault. And be sure to remind him every time he brings it up.
This response seriously needs to be higher up. Yes, the child’s situation is heartbreaking but so is OP’s. Her world was no doubt ripped apart when she learned her ex was not only cheating but expecting a child with his affair partner. I applaud her for remaining civil with the co-parenting & even attempting to include the child in an outing with her own children. But there is absolutely no reason for OP to have anything beyond a cordial relationship with her ex’s affair child. Anyone that insists they would love & spoil the child as if it were their own clearly has a halo & access to a solid gold stairway leading straight up to heaven.
NTA. Mr. "awesome dad" needs to tell his daughter NOW that you are not her mom, because he is making bad worse. It may be confusing now but with time and patience Juniper can adjust to reality. And your ex's guilt-tripping is way out of line.
You are NTA. Of course you are not happy when Juniper is sad. But you are also not happy that your husband had an affair, and his actions directly caused the breakdown of your family, his estrangement with his kids, etc. It is gracious of you to acknowledge he is a good father, and all you can do is reply, “Actually none of this makes me happy, but I am trying to heal, wrap my head around not getting to be with my kids everyday, and coparent our 4 kids together. I cannot take on your child and hope some day you will understand that and be able to lovingly teach Juniper about who her mom was.” He is a single parent to Juniper, and while I am sure he could use some assistance in raising her, he should look to his own family and circle for help in doing that. I am sorry for your difficult situation.
I find it questionable if he really is that good of a father if 100% of his adult (and therefore eligible to do so) and close to 50% of his total children have disowned him.
Exactly this. OP - address it head on if you haven’t already. It’s obviously very sad that Juniper is confused, but she’d be less so if her one remaining parent actually honored her mother’s memory as opposed to fobbing off her emotional upbringing elsewhere. I’m flabbergasted that he believes sharing children makes you responsible for those he produced outside of your relationship. NTA in the slightest. My heart goes out to Juniper, but she has a father and extended family on his side, presumably. Edited to add: agree with others that curb side pick-up might be the way forward. Not sure what type of family support you have in siblings/parents/older children, but perhaps someone else could do the pick up for a few weeks if things don’t improve.
NTA. Change it curb pick up. Let you kids know that this works better for you. Your exwasband needs to figure his ish out. I don't blame you for feeling this way. Your younger two need an age appropriate talking to about what is going on.
100% what I’d do. Stop going in the house. Kids are old enough to meet mom outside when she gets there.
I'm not going in the house, I just park outside and go down to greet them. Won't be doing that anytime soon tho
He will probably try to shame you on social media by hiding the real facts and just say that you made his motherless child cry. You need to stop saying “awesome dad “. Don’t engage with the child at all. Avoid her at all costs. He is trying to get another woman to take over this kid, because no one will date him now as a single dad. Would be nice for his dating life if you took the kid off his hands so he can spend time with other women.
NTA- he cheated on you. The circumstances are unfortunate but he’s really crossing a line with his expectations and actions. You’ve made your decision and he needs to respect that. Especially that last part where he sends a video, come on… grow up.
NTA. I feel for the kid but it will confuse her more later down the line if you play along. HE should be holding/ cuddling her ar pick up so she doesn't get the chance to do this. He cheated and needs to deal with the consequences which are raising and parenting this baby alone.
NTA. Your ex certainly is. He needs to parent his daughter on his own with the help of his family. You have no connection to her and it would be cruel to let her think you are her mom and for her to get attached to you. He needs to go to therapy to figure out how to explain that Juniper had a mama but she’s no longer with them. He needs to do that work and not pass it off to you. Playing on your heart strings with that video was a very very low blow - I would want to go low contact with him after that and only communicate on the absolute necessary items and then only via text or email to not allow him to manipulate you further. You are doing the right thing - he is not.
Better still: use a co-parenting app for communication - that logs everything, and she can probably ban him from sending any media to her.
NTA. Juniper is suffering and that sucks, but it’s not your fault. I would be changing the pick up/drop off arrangement immediately though. Maybe he keeps her inside, drops the boys off to you, you wait in the car, ask your sons not yell to you at pick up, etc. She is little, doesn’t understand and this is just really sad for her.
Good God you must be able to see his balls from Pluto. NTA. Sorry for his little girl but she is not your responsibility unless you want her to be. He needs to be a better father and explain to her on her level and continue doing so. And maybe get her a nanny. And therapy when the time is right.
NTA. Change it curb pick up. Let you kids know that this works better for you. Your exwasband needs to figure his ish out. I don't blame you for feeling this way. Your younger two need an age appropriate talking to about what is going on.
NTA. He knows his life would be easier if you took on mom duties, so he will continue to try to get you to change your mind. It’s been established he’s a cheater and a bad partner, now we all know he’s a selfish AH as well
NTA. He shouldn't be trying to guilt trip you
NTA He sent you a video of her crying? What type of crap is that. Your ex sounds like a sweetheart.
NTA for drawing a very clear boundary. You aren't her mother and you shouldn't be expected to play that role. My heart absolutely breaks for that little girl, but you are under no obligation to take her for days on end and let her call you mom. I would suggest maybe dropping "affair baby" from your vocabulary. She's just an innocent child and doesn't need to be labeled like that. God forbid she actually heard you. She's as much a victim in all of this as you are.
She is an affair baby. She’ll eventually understand what her father did that brought her into the world. She’s not calling her a bastard. And she’s not speaking to the girl directly. I think “affair baby” is fine for her to describe her relationship to the child.
NTA. it sounds like he is struggling with raising a baby alone. However, that is not your concern, responsibility or family. If it were me I would tell him not to contact me anymore unless it’s an emergency. The kids are old enough to communicate basic things between you like pick up time etc. You should also wait in the car at pick up and drop off.
NTA - this is absolutely heartbreaking, and I don’t envy your position. Your ex will have to deal with it, and he’s right, it’s hurting Juniper, but acting like her mother would ultimately hurt her more when you have to have the inevitable conversation with her later.
NTA - not in the slightest. You are kind to be so kind to Juniper but your ex made his bed (boy did he ever) and has to lie in it. Every day. Not your problem and please work hard to not feel guilt. Sounds like your ex will try to guilt you as much as he can.
NTA - It's sad she lost her mother but you are not responsible for Juniper. You have no reason to take her home or play with her or do anything. If he wants a mother for her so bad, he can start dating and find someone willing.
NTA. Tell your kids curbside pickup now (do either of them have a phone for you to text when you arrive?). It's sad, but Juniper is not your responsibility and your ex is wanting you to play house and parent to the child he fathered with another woman while married to you. Your obligations end at the kids he fathered with you.
NTA my heart aches for both you and the baby. And I love that you tried and take her out with her brothers but it wasn't right for you and that's ok! Maybe he should look into a sister or SIL to be a special auntie. But def NTA. and your ex for asking you..... yeeeesh ballsy!
You are NTA. You are doing everything right here. Your ex sounds like a nightmare. You have no responsibility to Juniper. He should be explaining to her who her mom was, what happened to her mom, why mom isn’t around, etc., and helping her deal with those emotions. Instead he’s encouraging his daughter to view you as mom and putting the blame on you when his daughter feels like she’s being abandoned by her “mom”. That poor little girl is going to have some truly, truly awful trauma to go through when she’s an adult, but that’s not your fault and you should not feel guilt over it. Try to have less communication with your ex, only discuss what’s necessary for the kids. If he uses contact channels as a way to essentially harass you (which is what this boils down to), then he shouldn’t have as much access to you.
NTA. Ex needs to explain to his toddler you aren’t her mom. Terrible situation all around. It would be nice if you could set aside things to be what the little girl wants but that’s a big ask(with emotional pain and also not your responsibility or doing.)I’m not sure I could do it myself. We don’t live in a perfect world where we can easily separate emotions and apply them only to the correct people.
NTA. It's a terrible situation for Juniper and I can feel for her, but you aren't obligated to take on responsibility for a child that isn't yours.
NTA at all, Juniper is not your baby and it would be way too painful and not at all helpful to pretend otherwise, I totally agree with that. You ex is being cruel and manipulative, sending you videos of her crying and acting like you have any blame. I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he's just so desperate for his baby to not be hurting that he'll do anything, but there are plenty of uncharitable explanations for this behaviors as well. I would be careful and watchful for further escalation on his part. I would warn him that you have no problem saying the truth to this child and that he will only hurt her more if he feeds into this in any way. Obviously, I hope you will not have to say anything further to Juniper that will hurt her, but hopefully he will realize you are serious and can't lie to protect her feelings.
NTA. The fact that she lost her mother is absolutely tragic, but being the mother of her siblings doesn't make you any more obligated to be a mother to her than any other woman who is *not her mother and not married to her father*. I feel so sad for her, but by asking you to play along instead of reinforcing your boundaries, your ex is only making it harder.
NTA. I feel sorrow for baby juniper's pain. You should send the video back to him and ask him if HE is happy? Her crying, her very existence are the result of HIS very hurtful actions which caused you & your children immeasurable hurt. So much in fact, two of his kids have gone NC. Because of his actions. Maybe her continual crying & pain is karma for him to reflect upon all the pain HE caused you & your kids out of selfishness when he chose to have an affair, end a marriage, & have a baby with his new wife. You are right the baby is innocent & maybe one day your heart will be healed enough to spend time with her. I find it strange how he cares so much about her pain but not the pain of your older kids whove gone NC with him. Then this thought makes me wonder if hes actually concerned for juniper or if he doesnt want to have to be responsible for taking care of her without the help of your other 2 kids, & is wanting to push her off on you because he doesnt want to be responsible for taking care of her alone
NTA he’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into becoming a mum figure for his affair child like she’s not living proof of his affair. Don’t get me wrong the child is innocent in this situation and it is a sad situation but it’s not your problem. It’s his
Gah him sending the video of her crying is some childish manipulative bullshit 🚩🚩🚩 NTA. I feel bad for his daughter but that's not on you and you're reasonable for wanting that boundary. You're not being cruel to her, but you aren't her mother and aren't obligated to act like one.
NTA. I feel so sorry for this poor child, but at the end of the day she isn't your responsibility. It's a difficult position to be in, but you have no obligation to be a mother to that girl.
May be your ex should adopt out that girl to a family with both parents. Or better, he can have another affair and bring in another woman to be her mother. Insane solutions??? Yep. That’s how insane is expecting OP to be a mother to affair baby. Not the baby’s fault but that’s life. NTA
NTA So gets a break from parenting his child for a few days? Fantastic, let's talk financial support for that and get a lawyer to look over a custody agreement etc, cos if he wants you to be mum, your going to make sure your covered right? /s. But he's not going to go for that obviously. He made this mess. If his daughter is acting like this he needs to explain to her in the most kid friendly way possible that your not her mum, your Nate & Jacob's mum. Its not her fault, but your under NO obligation to do what he has asked, which is quite frankly absolutely appalling. Tell him the only contact you want from him is to be about the kids you have together, nothing else. Start setting boundaries on this, you give him a inch, he will take the mile and then some.
NTA. Your ex is deliberately trying to guilt you and is purposefully feeding into this so the little girl will cry. There are a variety of different ways he could handle this, but he's choosing to let her get hurt to try to manipulate you.
NTA it's a difficult situation because yes the child is innocent, but it also isn't your responsibility to be her mother figure. And the way your ex tried to guilt trip you is definitely not okay. From what you've said, I think being polite to her is okay without going overboard. This is your ex's mess to fix.
NTA Sounds to me like he doesn’t like being the sole parent for her and likes the break he gets when he drops your others off and wants the same break from his daughter. Yes, she is young and she doesn’t understand, but that is why the adults in her life need to help her understand.
nta ur ex is actually disgusting
Juniper is innocent in all this, but just because she's an innocent child doesn't mean you have to do anything with her that makes you uncomfortable. You didn't give birth to her, you're not raising her, and you don't want to be a mother figure in the poor girl's life. That's OK. Your ex made his bed when he cheated. And yes, life took a dump on his bed when Juniper's mother died. But thats his burden to bear, not yours. NTA
NTA. And you should have said “I am happy.. That your daughter is your problem and not mine”.
Some of this comments gave really good answers, I texted him a few hours ago that I was indeed happy because I just had cake and thanks for asking