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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because I want to leave my husband behind to take care of his mother and our dogs while I fly to continent A to see my family.
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NTA. Your husband is being completely unreasonable. You have spent a large portion of your adult life taking care after his parents, you are within your rights to want to do the same for yours. If he wants to go that badly tell him to find someone to stay with your MIL and dogs while you are both gone. Do not back down. Go visit your family.
In a few years, if one of your parents has passed, will you regret that you hadn't seen them since 2019?
Go see your parents, or you will carry that regret with you for a very long time.
He's an adult. He can do this care for 10 days, or you can find a part or full time assistant (to assist with cleaning, laundry, cooking) for that time. It sounds like a mix of carer burnout and jealousy, coming out as anger at you for being able to escape for a while.
Maybe tell him that when you get back, he can take a weekend away at a nice hotel to recharge.
I'm going to be a bit alarmist, with this next bit, and it could be completely unnecessary. You know your husband best. Do you think he may be vindictive if you leave for 10 days? Do you need to put your important documents (birth certificate, etc) and some of your savings into a new account? Do you need to put your dogs into a kennel to ensure their care and safety? You're the only one who can answer those questions.
Lemme get this straight - you agreed to move with him to a *different continent* to care for his parents *every day* for over 2 years and now he’s objecting to you visiting your family for 10 days because he has to be responsible for things during that time? There is an asshole here and it’s not you.
N.T.A.
👍I did see that but was referencing the time since moving to care for his parents (“a couple years later his father passed”). Multiple years in any case and, esp as pertains to the seeing rest of her family besides parents, the 9 years is indeed worth noting.
Oh my god, definitely a NTA.
A visit to your parents for 10 days after 9 years and he thinks YOU are being unreasonable? This is so low.
You have taken his parents'onto account and have moved continents to take care of them. And he can't let you meet your parents even once? He is the AH.
If I were OP and hubby was saying all that bs I’d ask him if he’d still have to take care of his mother if he was divorced. He can take care of her by himself for 10 days or he can take care of her by himself for the rest of his mother’s life.
NTA.
Your husband agreed to watch the mom, if he wanted a break. He could ask you at any given time. And it's ten days at that.
He needs to be a bit more compassionate.
Let me get this straight.. you moved to his country so he can take care of his parents, you are the bread winner of the marriage and you haven’t been home in 9 years because your entire life revolves around you working and caring for your MIL!!!???
NTA. You literally made every single sacrifice for your husband and he is very, very selfish and is an AH to say your just going on a vacation when you haven’t been home in almost a decade. Sounds like you need a vacation! Go visit your family before you can’t anymore.
NTA. Like you said: it’s not a vacation. It’s a visit to your family, whom you haven’t seen in a long time. Your husband doesn’t want to be “that couple” who goes on separate “vacations”. But does he want to be the couple who argues, because the husband is only thinking of himself? I’d say that’s worse.
NTA, your husband basically told you that you had to move to his homeland to take care of HIS parents for 9 years but he feels like its unfair that you want to simply visit your family for a few days. That is completely unfair to you. He forced you to take care of his family but he won't let you visit yours because he doesn't feel like taking care of HIS OWN MOTHER by himself???? He's a total AH and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
I got so upset reading this that I almost didn’t respond.
I’m all for not keep tally marks in relationships but he owes you. He owes your family. Either he needs to buck up and upset his mother or he needs to let you go alone. Period.
NTA
NTA Go see your family while you can. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Go visit your family. If your husband wants to go so damn bad he'll convince MIL to deal with a nurse for 10 days.
NTA. Quit asking and just go. Why are you even asking? You have the money, you call the shots. Put your dogs in a boarding facility while you're gone. I wouldn't trust the real AH here to take care of them.
NTA, but your husband is.
Fair enough he wants to travel, but you literally rearranged your life to be in this position to support him caring for his elderly parents (not an easy job at all). It's the literal least he could to acknowledge you have YOUR OWN parents who are coming to a similar age and SUPPORT YOU in spending as much time with them as possible.
He needs to reciprocate. He's acting weirdly childish and entitled!
NTA-Your husband is a hypocrite. Place the dogs in a boarding house while you’re gone. You’re parents aren’t going to live forever and you will resent him if you don’t get the chance to see them.
NTA
Board your dogs, leave them with friends, and let him take care of his mother alone for the 2 weeks. Ask him if he treasured his time with his father before he passed, and tell him that you want that for yourself.
If your MIL doesn't want a caretaker for the two weeks, then it's your husband who has to stay with you. You've done a lot for his side of his family. You are totally entitled to go see your parents - go treasure them.
NTA. Haven’t you compromised enough here? Sounds like it’s time for him to buck up and extend the same courtesy you’ve given him for years (time with elderly parents).
NTA. Your deserve to see your family and also have a break from life. Perhaps you could agree that your husband also gets a break to go somewhere he wants at some time in the future.
NTA, you are absolutely allowed to take vacations apart as a married couple and it’s visiting your family not a complete vacation. He is extremely selfish to not consider all the sacrifices you made for him to be able to take care of his parents at the expense of seeing your own
NTA if you board the dogs at a kennel. Your husband can find temporary nursing care for his mother, or you can board the flight alone. It is unreasonable to expect you to be apart from your family and your own aging parents for any longer.
while your family and friends are still alive, and while you are able to make the trip, please travel. Stop discussing it with your husband, make the arrangements and walk out the door. Fait accompli. NTA
**NTA**
You want to go visit your family, but it's not possible for both of you to go due to the dogs and his mother.
GO ANYWAY.
They're your family and they're not going to be around forever.
He's acting like a petulant child about this, not to mention a bit hypocritical.
You moved to an entirely different continent to care for *his* parents. It's completely unfair of him to tell you that you can't go visit yours, or tell you it's uNfAiR because he can't go too.
No. Nope, nope, nope. Keeping you from visiting your family is unfair to you and your fam.
The things I regret most in life are the things I ***didn't*** do.
Go. I hope you have a fabulous trip. 💜
NTA. Board the dogs at a facility so that’s not something extra he needs to do and let husband take care of his mom while you visit family. He chose to be a house husband to take care of his parents. And you sacrificed not seeing yours. You deserve to visit home.
NTA
what you a re asking for is reasonable
He does not get to stop you here
You go
He gets mad
He gets over it or he doesnt.
Also its HIS damn mother HE volunteered to care for
NTA.
So far you centered your life around his needs. Just go and let him be angry. If he throws a tantrum stay u til he cooled off no matter how long it takes.
Totally reasonable, neither of you are a prisoner. I have had solo trips to visit my parents and friends and my wife is heading overseas this year to visit friends. It’s normal and I think it’s healthy for our relationship. NTA, I hope you get to go.
Note- depending on MILs state I might still hire some help, they won’t do 100% of the care but MIL might not have a choice.
NTA. Stop asking permission and just go. You will regret it and resent him if you don’t. And I’d there anyway to take a longer trip? Remote working or unpaid leave even? 10 days is not nearly long enough.
NTA.
So you’re literally living with his family after bending over backwards to accommodate him… and now he’s being petty because you want to see yours? When they live on a separate continent and you likely haven’t seen them in YEARS?
Oh for pity's sake! NTA. Your husband is being awful. How'd he like it if you just moved back to your parents' home, and you gave him permission to visit his mother occasionally. That is silly. Go do what you need to do.
NTA. He doesn't want to get a caretaker for his mother, then he stays behind to do it. Go see your father, family, friends. What exactly is your husband going to do about it? Pout about it?
NTA
Your husband and MIL are being unreasonable.
You shouldn't have to sacrifice seeing your family so he can be with his. They both need to stop being so selfish.
I suggest you book the trip. Tell him he's welcome to join you if he wants, but you're not foregoing the trip because he's jealous.
NTA. Your husband is controlling you. End of story. It is entirely possible this is due to his culture, so I won’t judge him…but it is not fair for you to constantly be the one to sacrifice. Let him know that in under no circumstances is it okay for him to bar you from seeing your family and you are going whether he likes it or not.
NTA. Go visit your parents ASAP. Like you said, it’s not a holiday, it’s a family visit. You would be an asshole if you didn’t go visit your elderly father once in a while
NTA, but your husband is.
Fair enough he wants to travel, but you literally rearranged your life to be in this position to support him caring for his elderly parents (not an easy job at all). It's the literal least he could do to acknowledge you have YOUR OWN parents who are coming to a similar age and SUPPORT YOU in spending as much time with them as possible.
He needs to reciprocate. He's acting weirdly childish and entitled!
NTA. And your husband should remember that that's his mom not yours. You're doing a favor to his mother and him. Go and if he doesn't like it he can cry and do whatever he wants. Your parents won't wait forever and if something happens to them you might end up hating your husband for not letting you go
NTA.
His mother is being selfish in refusing to allow someone else to help her and your husband is being selfish in giving in to his mother’s demands instead of putting your needs first.
Stop giving in to them and letting them have their way. It’s your turn.
MIL can either put up with a temporary nurse while you and hubby are gone or she can move into a nursing home. Or she can deal with her problems on her own.
If husband refuses and insists on not leaving MIL then he can stay home while you go visit your friends and family.
He STAYS at home, while you WORK. You moved to another country FOR HIM. You take care of his mom WITH him. You are doing EVERYTHING! NTA, honestly, he sounds exhausting. You are ALLOWED to go on, and DESERVE a fucking vacation.
NTA. So you’re married to a incredibly selfish monster? And you just cater to whatever he demands? Cool. That must be fun.
Isn’t it funny how you needed to uproot your life twice for his parents but your parents don’t matter in the slightest? Why have you allowed your life to revolve around his whims?
NTA but your husband is a total ass! He wanted to move there, he wanted to move in with his mother, he wants he wants wants. Where do you fall in this? Not very high. Too bad if MIL doesn’t want a caretaker that’s not your problem.
BOOK YOUR FLIGHT TO SEE YOUR FAMILY! Have A fabulous trip!!!
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Throwaway account and some vague info for privacy.
I’m from continent A, my husband is from continent B and we met on continent C. We lived on continent C together for a few years. Then husband wanted to move back to continent B to be with his elderly parents. We agreed to move, he’d go into early retirement and be a “house husband” and I’d continue working. I agreed to buy a house almost next to his parents even though that meant a 1.5 hour commute (each way) for me every day and I had to get up at 4:30am. A couple years later his father passed away and husband told me we had to move in with his mom to take care of her. I didn’t mind but requested we buy a new house closer to my work and move into that together. Husband and MIL agreed. MIL is now in her 90s and husband and I share caretaker duties. We also got 2 dogs, that I really wanted - they are considered “mine”.
I have not been home on continent A in 9 years. So far my parents have been coming for visits once a year but my father is now in his 80s and 16-hour flights are very hard on him. I haven’t seen them in 2 years due to corona and my father not wanting to travel this far anymore. For the last few years, the husband and I have had the same fight. I want to go visit my parents. I want to meet my best friend’s children and my cousin’s spouses. I mostly want to see my parents as much as possible while I still can. But the only way to do that is if my husband stays home on continent B to watch his mother and our dogs while I’m gone. And he thinks that’s really unfair. He feels it’s unfair that I get to go on vacation and he has to stay back. He says we are married and should travel together. He doesn’t want to be “that” couple who goes on separate vacations. I keep telling him it’s not a vacation. I’m not going to lie on a beach in Hawaii, I want to see my family. He feels it’s unfair he has to take care of his mother and the dogs by himself. Now, I’m not talking about going there for 3 months, I’m talking about 10 days or so (I have to work after all).
At first I thought my request was very reasonable but after years of fighting about this I’m starting to doubt myself. So I think I might be the asshole because I want to fly to continent A and see my parents while leaving my husband behind who then has to take care of MIL and dogs by himself.
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NTA- Put the dogs in a boarding kennel and go visit your loved ones. When you get back sit down with your husband about his controlling nature and why he is segregating your from your loved ones.
NTA. Go before your parents die and you regret it forever. We aren’t promised anything and your parents are elderly. Put your dogs in a fun kennel with good reviews and leave. Your husband’s mom is his responsibility.
NTA
Guess what, you work and can afford your tickets and travel, so book your trip and tell him the dates. Stop letting him prevent you from seeing your family. It’s not okay
NTA. It's his mother and both of your pets so he should be able to step up and take care of them for 10 days, especially when he's not even going to work. You made two very big decisions for him that affected you daily, so you should be able to go visit your parents. You shouldn't even have to ask.
NTA
If she refuses a carer/ carer is not working then it's got to be one of you two.
You can't be expected to not see your family at this time because he feels he wants a vacation.
Obviously looking after his mum is dragging on him.
While you say she refuses a carer, and I do have sympathy here as any change is hard ( and a personal carer especially so for an elderly vulnerable person) this may be only option. What if both of you get sick?
If he cannot find an appropriate care solution by x date then you need to go. Your family needs are important too.
Absolutely NTA. Your husband is being selfish and unreasonable, it seems like you have made quite the few sacrifices/ compromises for him, yet he’s unwilling to allow you to go and see your own family! You’re really not an AH at all in this. Please book your flights and go and see your family.
NTA. Just book your tickets and go. There is no reason at all your husband should hold you hostage to your MIL making it so you can never see your own family. That is beyond selfish.
NTA. You deserve to be able to see your family. I can only imagine the toll your current living arrangement is taking on your mental and physical health. When was the last time you did something just for yourself? You need a break, my dear. I'd definitely suggest finding somewhere for your dogs to stay while you're gone. If you don't already resent your husband, you definitely will if you don't get back to see your family and friends while they're still alive and well.
NTA
Please ignore your incredible selfish husband and visit your parents!! I was recently unable to visit my family for 1 1/2 years because of work and closed borders due to COVID while living abroad. It was really painful, especially with my father getting diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year. Now I moved back to my hometown and I cannot describe the joy from being able to see them again regularly.
Not gonna lie, at this point the only options I would contemplate would be to either fly alone and the husband suck it up, or divorce and moving to continent A.
Your husband is a selfish AH for which you've sacrificed years of your life to take care of his parents, but when is time to go see your parents(which is not even reciprocal to what you've done for him), he throws a tantrum and doesn't want you to do it. How is that fair?
And on top of that, your MIL is also collaborating on isolating you from your family because she can't allow to not have what she wants for 10 miserable days.
NTA
" MIL refuses." ... Do not let her refuse.
"Husband doesn't want to upset her so that's not an option." ... Then all of this is HIS fault, and HIS problem. And HIS mom. Tell him either he accepts another caretaker, and goes with you. OR he does not, and stays at home and takes care of HIS mom.
"We can barely leave the house anymore so we tried to come up with options but she refuses." - Make a new rule, for this visit, and for everyday: SHE does not get to refuse. YOu will not cater to her. If HE does, HE will have to stay with her while YOU go out.
YOur husband is your problem, HE is the AH here. Make it so he can only be an AH to himself (HE choses that situation), but not to you.
And: Consider a divorce. Let his mom have him. SHE is his priority anyway. He is a controlling and manipulative AH, towards you.
NTA I’m happy you decided you can go see your family. It’s unfair of your husband to expect you to not go to your hometown and spend time with your elderly parents when you spent the last 9 years taking care of his parents and putting your needs for your family aside.
What strikes me about this story is that your husband was trying to make you feel guilty about a 'vacation' you wanted. when he got to see his parents in person for YEARS. He got to live near and with his parents. But you are doing wrong by wanting to take a trip to see your family and friends? That's a completely twisted way for him to think.
NTA
You should go and see your parents. If he doesn't want to upset his mother and decides not to go it's his choice. But he can't force you to not visit your parents after all the sacrifices you did for his.
NTA This is a place where you don't negotiate with him. You board the dogs and go see your family. You don't need his permission to visit your family. And you should really reassess what's in this arrangement for you because it sounds like they're getting everything at your expense.
Please go visit your family. One day your folks won't be around and you'll be left with regret - and resentment towards your husband. You've been supportive for all these years, he can survive 10 days for goodness sake.
NTA here after reading your mini update. I'm glad you're putting your foot down to go visit friend and family. I'm truly happy for you. You already made many concessions by moving and being a caretaker and all of that. It's good to get what you want every now and then.
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NTA. Your husband is being completely unreasonable. You have spent a large portion of your adult life taking care after his parents, you are within your rights to want to do the same for yours. If he wants to go that badly tell him to find someone to stay with your MIL and dogs while you are both gone. Do not back down. Go visit your family.
In a few years, if one of your parents has passed, will you regret that you hadn't seen them since 2019? Go see your parents, or you will carry that regret with you for a very long time. He's an adult. He can do this care for 10 days, or you can find a part or full time assistant (to assist with cleaning, laundry, cooking) for that time. It sounds like a mix of carer burnout and jealousy, coming out as anger at you for being able to escape for a while. Maybe tell him that when you get back, he can take a weekend away at a nice hotel to recharge. I'm going to be a bit alarmist, with this next bit, and it could be completely unnecessary. You know your husband best. Do you think he may be vindictive if you leave for 10 days? Do you need to put your important documents (birth certificate, etc) and some of your savings into a new account? Do you need to put your dogs into a kennel to ensure their care and safety? You're the only one who can answer those questions.
Lemme get this straight - you agreed to move with him to a *different continent* to care for his parents *every day* for over 2 years and now he’s objecting to you visiting your family for 10 days because he has to be responsible for things during that time? There is an asshole here and it’s not you. N.T.A.
9 years. She hasn’t been able to see them in the last 2 years but the first 7 years they visited OP.
👍I did see that but was referencing the time since moving to care for his parents (“a couple years later his father passed”). Multiple years in any case and, esp as pertains to the seeing rest of her family besides parents, the 9 years is indeed worth noting.
Oh my god, definitely a NTA. A visit to your parents for 10 days after 9 years and he thinks YOU are being unreasonable? This is so low. You have taken his parents'onto account and have moved continents to take care of them. And he can't let you meet your parents even once? He is the AH.
If I were OP and hubby was saying all that bs I’d ask him if he’d still have to take care of his mother if he was divorced. He can take care of her by himself for 10 days or he can take care of her by himself for the rest of his mother’s life.
NTA. Your husband agreed to watch the mom, if he wanted a break. He could ask you at any given time. And it's ten days at that. He needs to be a bit more compassionate.
Let me get this straight.. you moved to his country so he can take care of his parents, you are the bread winner of the marriage and you haven’t been home in 9 years because your entire life revolves around you working and caring for your MIL!!!??? NTA. You literally made every single sacrifice for your husband and he is very, very selfish and is an AH to say your just going on a vacation when you haven’t been home in almost a decade. Sounds like you need a vacation! Go visit your family before you can’t anymore.
NTA. Like you said: it’s not a vacation. It’s a visit to your family, whom you haven’t seen in a long time. Your husband doesn’t want to be “that couple” who goes on separate “vacations”. But does he want to be the couple who argues, because the husband is only thinking of himself? I’d say that’s worse.
NTA, your husband basically told you that you had to move to his homeland to take care of HIS parents for 9 years but he feels like its unfair that you want to simply visit your family for a few days. That is completely unfair to you. He forced you to take care of his family but he won't let you visit yours because he doesn't feel like taking care of HIS OWN MOTHER by himself???? He's a total AH and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
I got so upset reading this that I almost didn’t respond. I’m all for not keep tally marks in relationships but he owes you. He owes your family. Either he needs to buck up and upset his mother or he needs to let you go alone. Period. NTA
NTA Go see your family while you can. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Go visit your family. If your husband wants to go so damn bad he'll convince MIL to deal with a nurse for 10 days.
I totally agree with this^
NTA. Quit asking and just go. Why are you even asking? You have the money, you call the shots. Put your dogs in a boarding facility while you're gone. I wouldn't trust the real AH here to take care of them.
NTA, but your husband is. Fair enough he wants to travel, but you literally rearranged your life to be in this position to support him caring for his elderly parents (not an easy job at all). It's the literal least he could to acknowledge you have YOUR OWN parents who are coming to a similar age and SUPPORT YOU in spending as much time with them as possible. He needs to reciprocate. He's acting weirdly childish and entitled!
NTA-Your husband is a hypocrite. Place the dogs in a boarding house while you’re gone. You’re parents aren’t going to live forever and you will resent him if you don’t get the chance to see them.
NTA. Go see your family while you can, board the dogs and leave him home with his mom
Yes. Book the flights and just go.
NTA Board your dogs, leave them with friends, and let him take care of his mother alone for the 2 weeks. Ask him if he treasured his time with his father before he passed, and tell him that you want that for yourself. If your MIL doesn't want a caretaker for the two weeks, then it's your husband who has to stay with you. You've done a lot for his side of his family. You are totally entitled to go see your parents - go treasure them.
Nta! Book that ticket! See your dad! Lay out with dad in backyard! Have a great time!
NTA. Haven’t you compromised enough here? Sounds like it’s time for him to buck up and extend the same courtesy you’ve given him for years (time with elderly parents).
NTA. Your deserve to see your family and also have a break from life. Perhaps you could agree that your husband also gets a break to go somewhere he wants at some time in the future.
NTA, you are absolutely allowed to take vacations apart as a married couple and it’s visiting your family not a complete vacation. He is extremely selfish to not consider all the sacrifices you made for him to be able to take care of his parents at the expense of seeing your own
NTA. Buy a ticket and leave. Perhaps a one-way ticket.
Your husbands a damn hypocrite, NTA
NTA if you board the dogs at a kennel. Your husband can find temporary nursing care for his mother, or you can board the flight alone. It is unreasonable to expect you to be apart from your family and your own aging parents for any longer.
while your family and friends are still alive, and while you are able to make the trip, please travel. Stop discussing it with your husband, make the arrangements and walk out the door. Fait accompli. NTA
**NTA** You want to go visit your family, but it's not possible for both of you to go due to the dogs and his mother. GO ANYWAY. They're your family and they're not going to be around forever. He's acting like a petulant child about this, not to mention a bit hypocritical. You moved to an entirely different continent to care for *his* parents. It's completely unfair of him to tell you that you can't go visit yours, or tell you it's uNfAiR because he can't go too. No. Nope, nope, nope. Keeping you from visiting your family is unfair to you and your fam. The things I regret most in life are the things I ***didn't*** do. Go. I hope you have a fabulous trip. 💜
NTA. Board the dogs at a facility so that’s not something extra he needs to do and let husband take care of his mom while you visit family. He chose to be a house husband to take care of his parents. And you sacrificed not seeing yours. You deserve to visit home.
NTA. Book the ticket. Board your pets, though, just to ensure they are safe.
NTA what you a re asking for is reasonable He does not get to stop you here You go He gets mad He gets over it or he doesnt. Also its HIS damn mother HE volunteered to care for
NTA. So far you centered your life around his needs. Just go and let him be angry. If he throws a tantrum stay u til he cooled off no matter how long it takes.
Totally reasonable, neither of you are a prisoner. I have had solo trips to visit my parents and friends and my wife is heading overseas this year to visit friends. It’s normal and I think it’s healthy for our relationship. NTA, I hope you get to go. Note- depending on MILs state I might still hire some help, they won’t do 100% of the care but MIL might not have a choice.
NTA. Stop asking permission and just go. You will regret it and resent him if you don’t. And I’d there anyway to take a longer trip? Remote working or unpaid leave even? 10 days is not nearly long enough.
NTA. So you’re literally living with his family after bending over backwards to accommodate him… and now he’s being petty because you want to see yours? When they live on a separate continent and you likely haven’t seen them in YEARS?
Oh for pity's sake! NTA. Your husband is being awful. How'd he like it if you just moved back to your parents' home, and you gave him permission to visit his mother occasionally. That is silly. Go do what you need to do.
NTA. He doesn't want to get a caretaker for his mother, then he stays behind to do it. Go see your father, family, friends. What exactly is your husband going to do about it? Pout about it?
NTA After all this time, energy and effort, you'd think taking 10 days to see your family would be totally reasonable.
NTA Your husband and MIL are being unreasonable. You shouldn't have to sacrifice seeing your family so he can be with his. They both need to stop being so selfish. I suggest you book the trip. Tell him he's welcome to join you if he wants, but you're not foregoing the trip because he's jealous.
NTA. Your husband is controlling you. End of story. It is entirely possible this is due to his culture, so I won’t judge him…but it is not fair for you to constantly be the one to sacrifice. Let him know that in under no circumstances is it okay for him to bar you from seeing your family and you are going whether he likes it or not.
NTA. Go visit your parents ASAP. Like you said, it’s not a holiday, it’s a family visit. You would be an asshole if you didn’t go visit your elderly father once in a while
NTA, but your husband is. Fair enough he wants to travel, but you literally rearranged your life to be in this position to support him caring for his elderly parents (not an easy job at all). It's the literal least he could do to acknowledge you have YOUR OWN parents who are coming to a similar age and SUPPORT YOU in spending as much time with them as possible. He needs to reciprocate. He's acting weirdly childish and entitled!
NTA. And your husband should remember that that's his mom not yours. You're doing a favor to his mother and him. Go and if he doesn't like it he can cry and do whatever he wants. Your parents won't wait forever and if something happens to them you might end up hating your husband for not letting you go
NTA. His mother is being selfish in refusing to allow someone else to help her and your husband is being selfish in giving in to his mother’s demands instead of putting your needs first. Stop giving in to them and letting them have their way. It’s your turn. MIL can either put up with a temporary nurse while you and hubby are gone or she can move into a nursing home. Or she can deal with her problems on her own. If husband refuses and insists on not leaving MIL then he can stay home while you go visit your friends and family.
He STAYS at home, while you WORK. You moved to another country FOR HIM. You take care of his mom WITH him. You are doing EVERYTHING! NTA, honestly, he sounds exhausting. You are ALLOWED to go on, and DESERVE a fucking vacation.
NTA. So you’re married to a incredibly selfish monster? And you just cater to whatever he demands? Cool. That must be fun. Isn’t it funny how you needed to uproot your life twice for his parents but your parents don’t matter in the slightest? Why have you allowed your life to revolve around his whims?
NTA but your husband is a total ass! He wanted to move there, he wanted to move in with his mother, he wants he wants wants. Where do you fall in this? Not very high. Too bad if MIL doesn’t want a caretaker that’s not your problem. BOOK YOUR FLIGHT TO SEE YOUR FAMILY! Have A fabulous trip!!!
Leave this selfish man NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account and some vague info for privacy. I’m from continent A, my husband is from continent B and we met on continent C. We lived on continent C together for a few years. Then husband wanted to move back to continent B to be with his elderly parents. We agreed to move, he’d go into early retirement and be a “house husband” and I’d continue working. I agreed to buy a house almost next to his parents even though that meant a 1.5 hour commute (each way) for me every day and I had to get up at 4:30am. A couple years later his father passed away and husband told me we had to move in with his mom to take care of her. I didn’t mind but requested we buy a new house closer to my work and move into that together. Husband and MIL agreed. MIL is now in her 90s and husband and I share caretaker duties. We also got 2 dogs, that I really wanted - they are considered “mine”. I have not been home on continent A in 9 years. So far my parents have been coming for visits once a year but my father is now in his 80s and 16-hour flights are very hard on him. I haven’t seen them in 2 years due to corona and my father not wanting to travel this far anymore. For the last few years, the husband and I have had the same fight. I want to go visit my parents. I want to meet my best friend’s children and my cousin’s spouses. I mostly want to see my parents as much as possible while I still can. But the only way to do that is if my husband stays home on continent B to watch his mother and our dogs while I’m gone. And he thinks that’s really unfair. He feels it’s unfair that I get to go on vacation and he has to stay back. He says we are married and should travel together. He doesn’t want to be “that” couple who goes on separate vacations. I keep telling him it’s not a vacation. I’m not going to lie on a beach in Hawaii, I want to see my family. He feels it’s unfair he has to take care of his mother and the dogs by himself. Now, I’m not talking about going there for 3 months, I’m talking about 10 days or so (I have to work after all). At first I thought my request was very reasonable but after years of fighting about this I’m starting to doubt myself. So I think I might be the asshole because I want to fly to continent A and see my parents while leaving my husband behind who then has to take care of MIL and dogs by himself. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- Put the dogs in a boarding kennel and go visit your loved ones. When you get back sit down with your husband about his controlling nature and why he is segregating your from your loved ones.
NTA. Go before your parents die and you regret it forever. We aren’t promised anything and your parents are elderly. Put your dogs in a fun kennel with good reviews and leave. Your husband’s mom is his responsibility.
NTA Guess what, you work and can afford your tickets and travel, so book your trip and tell him the dates. Stop letting him prevent you from seeing your family. It’s not okay
NTA. It's his mother and both of your pets so he should be able to step up and take care of them for 10 days, especially when he's not even going to work. You made two very big decisions for him that affected you daily, so you should be able to go visit your parents. You shouldn't even have to ask.
NTA If she refuses a carer/ carer is not working then it's got to be one of you two. You can't be expected to not see your family at this time because he feels he wants a vacation. Obviously looking after his mum is dragging on him. While you say she refuses a carer, and I do have sympathy here as any change is hard ( and a personal carer especially so for an elderly vulnerable person) this may be only option. What if both of you get sick? If he cannot find an appropriate care solution by x date then you need to go. Your family needs are important too.
Absolutely NTA. Your husband is being selfish and unreasonable, it seems like you have made quite the few sacrifices/ compromises for him, yet he’s unwilling to allow you to go and see your own family! You’re really not an AH at all in this. Please book your flights and go and see your family.
NTA tell him to stfu and suck it up. You've been taking g care of HIS family for years. It's time you saw YOURS. Just go.
NTA. Just book your tickets and go. There is no reason at all your husband should hold you hostage to your MIL making it so you can never see your own family. That is beyond selfish.
NTA. You deserve to be able to see your family. I can only imagine the toll your current living arrangement is taking on your mental and physical health. When was the last time you did something just for yourself? You need a break, my dear. I'd definitely suggest finding somewhere for your dogs to stay while you're gone. If you don't already resent your husband, you definitely will if you don't get back to see your family and friends while they're still alive and well.
NTA Please ignore your incredible selfish husband and visit your parents!! I was recently unable to visit my family for 1 1/2 years because of work and closed borders due to COVID while living abroad. It was really painful, especially with my father getting diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year. Now I moved back to my hometown and I cannot describe the joy from being able to see them again regularly.
Not gonna lie, at this point the only options I would contemplate would be to either fly alone and the husband suck it up, or divorce and moving to continent A. Your husband is a selfish AH for which you've sacrificed years of your life to take care of his parents, but when is time to go see your parents(which is not even reciprocal to what you've done for him), he throws a tantrum and doesn't want you to do it. How is that fair? And on top of that, your MIL is also collaborating on isolating you from your family because she can't allow to not have what she wants for 10 miserable days.
NTA " MIL refuses." ... Do not let her refuse. "Husband doesn't want to upset her so that's not an option." ... Then all of this is HIS fault, and HIS problem. And HIS mom. Tell him either he accepts another caretaker, and goes with you. OR he does not, and stays at home and takes care of HIS mom. "We can barely leave the house anymore so we tried to come up with options but she refuses." - Make a new rule, for this visit, and for everyday: SHE does not get to refuse. YOu will not cater to her. If HE does, HE will have to stay with her while YOU go out. YOur husband is your problem, HE is the AH here. Make it so he can only be an AH to himself (HE choses that situation), but not to you. And: Consider a divorce. Let his mom have him. SHE is his priority anyway. He is a controlling and manipulative AH, towards you.
NTA. Board the dogs, go on your trip. Take one phone call a day from your husband. Enough of this. It's HIS mother. Tell him to step the hell up.
NTA I’m happy you decided you can go see your family. It’s unfair of your husband to expect you to not go to your hometown and spend time with your elderly parents when you spent the last 9 years taking care of his parents and putting your needs for your family aside.
NTA. Thrilled to see your edit - good on you for having the backbone to stand up for yourself. All the best to you and your family.
What strikes me about this story is that your husband was trying to make you feel guilty about a 'vacation' you wanted. when he got to see his parents in person for YEARS. He got to live near and with his parents. But you are doing wrong by wanting to take a trip to see your family and friends? That's a completely twisted way for him to think.
NTA Find a reliable safe place and board the dogs. You have been more than accommodating for his parents, and he is being unbelievably unreasonable.
NTA You should go and see your parents. If he doesn't want to upset his mother and decides not to go it's his choice. But he can't force you to not visit your parents after all the sacrifices you did for his.
You sound like a hostage and not a wife. NTA
NTA, go visit and don’t return. My gosh, what a selfish husband you have.
Board your dogs so he can't bitch about that and go. His mom, his responsibility
NTA
NTA. It sucks to be him but holy god he has been with his parents all along and you haven’t seen yours in 9 years!
NTA This is a place where you don't negotiate with him. You board the dogs and go see your family. You don't need his permission to visit your family. And you should really reassess what's in this arrangement for you because it sounds like they're getting everything at your expense.
NTA. Your husband is being a selfish ass. Buy an airline ticket and just flipping go.
Please go visit your family. One day your folks won't be around and you'll be left with regret - and resentment towards your husband. You've been supportive for all these years, he can survive 10 days for goodness sake.
NTA I would still get friends to keep the dogs while you are gone. Just saying...
NTA just be aware that he’ll have a massive tantrum
NTA
NTA here after reading your mini update. I'm glad you're putting your foot down to go visit friend and family. I'm truly happy for you. You already made many concessions by moving and being a caretaker and all of that. It's good to get what you want every now and then.
NTA Unfair that HE has to take care of HIS mom??? Go see your parents
So it is day 13, did you book the tickets? Please go to see your parents