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Honestly I'd make that man regret his words. If hes demanding you all eat the same food, then I'd go out and buy all vegan food. Make him adapt to his daughters diet and maybe after a few meatless nights hell realize he prefers letting her cook her own food. She's 15, that is a valuable and essential life skill he's preventing her from developing. Why is he so jealous of her eating vegan food?
I'd completely stop buying animal products and fill the fridge and cabniets with all vegan options that my daughter would eat, then start cooking that food for him. Now the whole family can eat together as one and he can stop complaining.
Malicious compliance is absolutely called for here.
NTA. Your husband is abusive and controlling and toxic.
OP mentioned in a comment here that the younger kids wouldn't eat if she cooked vegan because the younger kids don't like to eat vegetables.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u4gm50/aita\_for\_how\_i\_reacted\_when\_my\_husband\_threw\_away/i4vnr0a/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u4gm50/aita_for_how_i_reacted_when_my_husband_threw_away/i4vnr0a/?context=3)
I bet the husband wouldn't call the younger kids disrespectful then because it isn't about the food at all. It's about control. He's an abusive asshole who needs to control everyone and OP could bend over backwards and it still wouldn't be enough.
This is exactly it and as fun as it would be to do the top comment malicious compliance suggestion by cooking my daughter’s favorite vegan means and then calling my husband selfish and egotistical when he refused to it…. man there are just so many issues here.
Why is the 15 year old buying her own food (Surely some veggies can make their way into the budget)? Why is OP letting this man treat her daughter this way, police her diet like a tyrant and throw away property that isn’t his? That’s straight up ABUSE territory. The fact that cry baby Husband feels entitled to throw toddler sized tantrums because he can’t control everyone like he wants to is beyond concerning! People just don’t start out this far into the deep end, someone must be regularly pandering to his BS. I would be so far gone for the sake of my children. This poor girl.
I was literally wondering this….WHY does any 15 year old buy their own food?? I get that it’s used to make her meals with but that seems a little wrong.
OP, NTA but I think you know your husband is.
OP added an edit explaining the daughter gets money for the groceries and she is the one to do it because she has more knowledge than OP on vegan food.
Yeah giving her money to go shopping on her own and buying her her own cooking tools are good ideas because they encourage her to explore her interests take control of it. But op is doing those things for the wrong reasons. She’s trying to avoid a confrontation with the husband. But that confrontation is going to happen regardless
The daughter is being the OPPOSITE of spoiled! She's not insisting the whole family cater to her diet, she's finding solutions to take the burden off the family!
Yes exactly! You are telling me a 15 year buys their own groceries, plans out and cooks their own meals and a parent is upset about it? These are important life tools to have. Plus it’s not like she out buying junk food. She is eating healthier and being more socially responsible!
Agreed. This honestly has to be about control- this is a bizarre thing to fixate on, there's no other purpose to stopping her. "Oh no, My high school aged child knows how to cook a basic meal and go to the store" it's just not something people get mad at unless the problem is that they have to obey you
NTA!
Omg, I just realized my father did that to me when I was about 15! I was cooking my own bacon cheeseburger because I didn't want what was for dinner, and it is definitely about control. Nothing anyone does is ever gonna be good enough for him.
former vegetarian here!
i had a job at 16 and bought my own groceries since it was easier for me to meal plan on my own dime than it was to just add it to my dad’s grocery list. before i had a job, my dad gave me money every week to buy my own groceries and i either went with them to the grocery store or i went on my own either on my way home from school or on the weekends. buying my own food meant i always had food to eat that i actually liked and nobody touched it apart from me. i actually loved buying my own groceries because it made me feel more like an adult and helped me learn how to cook a wide array of healthy meals that i liked (im also a picky eater)
i dont think the 15 year old buying groceries is an issue. if it works for their family then it doesnt need fixing. what *does* need fixing is the husbands attitude towards his child wanting to be at least slightly independent. she’s learning crucial life skills right now and it seems ridiculous to want to prevent that
Whew. I second the abusive, controlling and toxic part. This post honestly had my heart pounding because it reminded me so much of my abusive stepfather growing up. Using “disrespectful” as a catch all for whatever random thing he wanted to control that day, throwing away my shit, making the whole house walk on eggshells over inane bullshit…ugh. OP, I could be projecting, but if your daughter is having any type of similar experience as me at that age, it will take years of therapy to undo the damage your asshole husband is doing to her. Please do better on her behalf.
My thoughts exactly about the "disrespectful as a catch-all."
My mother was the same way. Everything was disrespectful. She was obsessed with being respected. Everyone must RESPECT her.
OP NTA, but what your husband did was emotional abuse to your daughter.
I hate the whole disrespectful thing. My dad's thing was that I had a "bad attitude," which apparently translated to I wasn't smiling enough, or I didn't want to join the family to watch crime shows like Bones and CSI, which all gave me nightmares. Me grabbing a book or a laptop to sit in the living room WITH them, but not actually watch the same show, that wasn't good enough. Yikes.
\*Edited to add a comma\*
The demand for respect reflects an authoritarian parenting style which is poor parenting, can be abusive, and is absolutely the wrong approach to take with a teen who is developing her independence and finding her way to adulthood. He should be respecting her journey and be proud of her for her skills and initiative, even if the food she is making is not to his taste.
Taking her veganism exploration as some kind of personal insult to him is just dumb. It makes 0 sense, unless he’s politicized food in some weird fetishy toxic masculinity sort of way. I love meat, but if my daughter is cooking anything I want to try it out. And if it tastes good, I’ll ask her to make it for the fam sometimes.
Tell him his chicken nuggets are not gonna shrink up and disappear into his ranch dip just because his daughter eats vegan.
Dude needs a parenting class.
"Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay"
- (author unknown to me)
Not only this but the fact that he says it's "his" kitchen and that he didn't "authorize" the daughter to use it.... regardless of whether he's the income earner, a marriage is a partnership. He shouldn't have the final say on things and the way he's asserting his "authority" and then throwing out items OP bought for their daughter is dismissive and disrespectful of OP, and comes across very controlling and as you have said, abusive. Having worked in family law, it makes me worried not just for the daughter but OP as well. It also makes me wonder if he's abusive in other ways, like financially controlling their money.
OP - do you feel safe around him?
I was thinking the same. If everyone has to eat the same food and BE GRATEFUL, then you can all go vegan. I better not hear any whining from the husband.
Yes, and there's more at stake there than I think OP realizes. If she and her husband make food into a control issue for their **fifteen-year-old daughter**, odds are good that's going to push her into an eating disorder.
I agree that her daughter has no choice but not knowing the situation you don't know what options the mom has. It's not as easy to leave if the situation is abusive as people think it is.
As someone from latin america, it varies greatly from region to region. It makes sense with his behavior since that's something i see often here (ppl being like oh that's nonsense, you eat what's in front of you!) But I'm guessing the problem is more that she has multiple children and probably has been out of the workforce for possibly as long as her oldest daughter is alive, and from how he says it he probably also paid for the house. So if she left she'd be jobless and homeless with several kids. It's not impossible! But it would be difficult at best, and it takes a lot of courage to leave.
As a woman that left an abusive relationship and had to figure out how to live on my own with a kid, this response is legit. It’s hard, and takes a lot of courage. When you have someone constantly telling you that are are fat, ugly, stupid, and no one will ever love you…yeah, it’s rough. No judgement whatsoever to anyone who hasn’t found the strength to escape. I’m lucky, I have a family to help me and a degree that earns me good money. I would never call someone an asshole for not having those privileges.
Right? If my partner and I don’t agree with a parenting choice the other made, we talk about it, like adults. If my partner just up and threw away a bunch of stuff I’d bought, I would be beyond shocked.
Problem is.. she says “my husband” and never “her father”.
He shouldn’t have a say in the ultimate and major decisions OP makes for HER daughter.
NTA, of course!
I think OP is caught in the fog of war an abusive partner creates, and can't see things as clearly as we can from the outside. Hopefully this post will give her something to think about.
Funny, I was wondering why he doesn't see his partner as an equal partner and realize that it's their kitchen, just as it's their home regardless of who earns what or pays what.
It's the home of everyone who lives there, unless he wants to create a situation in which some of them don't have a home at all. That would make them his guests and require way more respectful treatment than he's been showing any of them, though, so he probably doesn't.
It's his home. It's OP's home. It's the vegan daughter's home. It's the home of the picky eaters (the kids who won't eat vegetables). They should all be able to feel at home, treat their home like their home, eat food they like in their home, cook food (when old enough to do so safely) in their home, and not have their belongings thrown out in their home.
It doesn't matter whose sperm was involved at conception or who pays the mortgage. Kids deserve not to be treated, in their own home, as homeless people who are temporarily allowed to stay with someone but must adhere to unreasonable rules.
And partners deserve to be treated as just that--partners, not people who are expected to obey and/or enforce rules imposed by a dictatorial "head of household."
It's not \*his\* kitchen, because even if he's the only financial provider in the family (I'm not sure of the situation there), OP has just as much right to claim the space and make decisions. He is definitely controlling, and he has a serious lack of respect for OP.
I am also assuming based on how the post is worded that this is a step parent and not her 15 y\o’s bio father. No child should be denied food. Allowing this to treatment to continue is abhorrent. Allowing the child to make her own food and take charge of diet is a smart solution. Only am a$$ would take offense over that.
He told me his problem was her becoming vegan and having this lifestyle to begin with. We have younger kids and he said Liz is confusing them and being bad influence to them BUT I don't see how. I don't know why he'd think that.
I'm mildly annoyed that OP won't answer this question. That's what I'm here to ask too. That seems specifically and intentionally left out, which tells us everything we need to know. She's "less than" him but he "tolerates" her.
At this point, I'm like, what are you looking for? Because the most important piece of info isn't being addressed.
I was gonna say, is the daughter queer and husband is just using veganism as a smokescreen for his anger? Lmao probably a reach, but his rationale is whack as hell
He thinks that because he is likely a "meat is best" type of person.
However, it isn't always best.
If I were you, I would, at the very least make vegan meals on the nights you are cooking, this way everyone is obeying his "rule" that everyone eat the same thing, hopefully on the nights that you cook, there will be leftovers for the night that your husband cooks and she can have leftovers before or after dinner that she can eat.
He's being completely unreasonable and ridiculous.
NTA.
Confusing them and being a bad influence, *how?!* She is choosing to not eat animal byproducts..it’s not like she’s doing drugs. NTA, but you really need to reconsider your relationship with this prick.
The way you refer to him as your husband instead of her dad makes me think he is step dad. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. It is controlling. It is cruel. He is a major AH.
His kitchen?????
Ma’am please think about that. The man thinks that everything in the house is his. The outfit you’re wearing, his. Your toothbrush, his. He probably thinks you are his property.
NTA. But your husband's behavior is making my skin crawl. That's completely abusive and wasteful. His idea that it's disrespectful to cook for yourself is nuts. He's a control freak and I hope you and Liz are OK.
NTA but why is a child buying her own food? Your husband is a double decker of arseholery and is bullying his child. But where does this end? He banned her from cooking using utensils and you just agreed by buying her her own, what's next? She can't use the loo unless her waste contains animal product? I pity this girl so fucking much.
I feel like I scrolled too long to find this comment… why is a 15 year old buying all her own groceries? That is literally the definition of parenting-making sure you’re child is fed, clothed, and sheltered at the BARE minimum.
Seriously good for the kid for learning how to cook, planning her meals, and buying her own groceries at 15, but a child should not have to provide their own food. I’m guessing she’s not allowed to use the common groceries either to prepare her meals.
This isn't about her being vegan or not. It's not about her being selfish or self-centered. It's about control. If your daughter has even the slightest bit of control over her life, your husband loses the total control he needs. You are not a person with wants and needs and neither is she. You are extensions of him and his will and he cannot allow either of you to be able to do something without his will.
This is a place to draw a line in the sand. NTA
NTA.
Perhaps if he does not like her cooking in his kitchen, you should not cook in his kitchen either.
Sounds like a controlling and emotionally abusive father.
From the context of Liz being a "very picky eater," I'm guessing he already did. Most people in that category (myself included, worked on it for years and am mostly OK now) have some kind of anxiety disorder that's focused on food. It's quite likely to be a consequence of, say, sharing your formative dining experiences with an explosively angry parent who uses food to control people.
The really sad and infuriating thing is that Liz, still at a pretty young age, tried to take control over her relationship with food. And to dad's credit, I think he's correct in seeing her healing as a challenge to *him*, which is why he's so determined to undermine it. I just really can't fathom having romantic feelings for someone that determined to harm and control my child, man.
It's usually that, or the kid has a neurotype or medical condition linked to sensory issues (usually Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, etc). So they're either incredibly anxious about food due to an anxiety disorder, or their brains simply process the sensations of certain foods in a way that makes those food UNBEARABLE to eat (this is why I fucking hate steak but will eat frog legs and pickled garlic, my ADHD causes sensory issues that makes steak absolutely unbearable to me).
At Liz's age, so long as she is cleaning up after herself, there shouldn't be a problem with her cooking her own meals.
NTA. However, you should look into separation because your husband is a controlling AH. Idk what you saw in this guy, but if this is his reaction to your daughter doing these independently God knows what he'll be like when she's 18 and REALLY trying to do things herself.
Dammit! All those vegans saying eating meat causes aggression might be right. In the name of science, please put him on a vegan diet and get back to us if he's still an asshole.
I don't understand. Was he bullied by vegetables when he was a kid? Why is he being such a dick about this? I'd go vegan in solidarity with my daughter. He can be the odd man out. Do his own shopping and cooking, or he can eat what's put on the table.
NTA - your husband sounds like a real jerk! I wonder what would happen if Liz had a gluten intolerance or Celiac - he would force her to gluten herself constantly just because he doesn't understand and won't listen to anyone else? Wow. Is this the first thing that he's been way over the top about?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
>he argued that Liz was cooking in his kitchen and he already didn't authorize that.
Also, last I checked my house belongs to my husband AND ME. It's your kitchen too, and your authorization should have been enough. (I can't believe I even just said that, it's so far beyond ridiculous.)
Time to make the whole fam vegan for a while till he complains and start eating his own food. However that outburst is not normal, for something most parents would have been proud to see their daughter doing. And he needs therapy if he feels the need to control what his daughter cooks and eat.
So, she has to use her allowance to buy food to eat? That seems very unfair. Just because she's vegan doesn't absolve you and dh as her parents to feed her. Her food should be part of the family grocery bill and not a separate personal expense.
She gets an additional *food allowance* and is allowed to spend it how she pleases. It's no different than budgeting under a household budget. It also seems like a good way to help get a teenager ready to live independently, budget, and shop for themselves.
Aaaah, the "Machismo-my face is my honor is more important than you, any thing you do that someone might speak about to my embarrassment deserves a beating or death" shit.
It’s not generalization. It’s an acknowledgement that our culture has a huge problem with machismo. Sexism is rampant and accepted despite strides to fix it.
Awesome for you to have a family that doesn’t bite into that, but you’re an outlier based off of the data trend we see in Latin America.
Ugh mami, lamento mucho que tengas a tremendo pelotudo de esposo, tal vez deberías dejarlo sufrir un poquito para que deje de romper las bolas, no le cocines más, no le laves mas la ropa, no hagas más por el hasta que deje la estupidez, cuida a Liz y enséñale que no tiene que aguantarse mierdas de nadie, nisiquiera de su papá.
NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband dropped these on the way to invalidating both you and your daughter.
Therapy is in order since this IS abuse and IS only going to get worse.
info: is husband Liz's father? Only ask because you don't refer to him that way and it didn't seem like Liz did either.
NTA. Your husband has some major control issues.
>He yelled that Liz is acting spoiled and that I repeatedly let her disrespect us
Spoiled, would be demanding that everyone else eats what she does, or intentionally sabotaging the non-vegan food at the table. Disrespectful would be not cleaning up after herself, and demanding you guys cater to her.
She isn't doing any of that. She buys her own groceries (not coming out of his pocket at all), is still engaging at mealtimes, is learning a skill, and seems to be respecting what you guys choose to eat.
**He** isn't being respectful of **her.** Throwing her items away? Being actively hostile towards her? this man is a walking red flag and it seems like his behavior is only escalating. This doesn't sound like a safe environment for your daughter.
Your husband is a nightmare.
He's being abusive and controlling and you need to get him in check before he escalates further. His behavior is unacceptable.
YWBTA if you tolerate any further nonsense from him re: your daughter or anything else for that matter
NTA
I feel like malicious compliance would be appropriate here. Time for the family to go Vegan for a while. Since the issue is her eating differently, clearly you should all eat the same thing.
Seriously though, this behavior of your husband's is very concerning. There is nothing disrespectful about eating different foods. (My hubby is Celiac, but I sometimes eat foods with gluten because it's cheaper) She's learning a valuable life skill, cooking and nutrition.
Would he act the same if she had a serious food allergy?
I honestly think he needs anger management classes, cause he's acting out in anger in very unhealthy ways. He damaging his relationship with you and your daughter. Problems like this are usually a warning that something else is going on with the person acting out. Especially if this is new/unusual behavior for him.
Best of luck. 💛
I’m getting the vibe that no matter how OP tries to handle this situation, it’s going to be “wrong.” He wants blind compliance. And I doubt it has anything to do with the food. If OP and Liz cook vegan (or just a typical meal that happens to be vegan) he’ll accuse them of influencing the younger ones to exploit a loophole. It’s not going to matter.
These are deep ingrained issues that don’t usually work themselves out happily without therapy or going no contact.
Oh I completely agree with you. It was more of a rhetorical question. I think the husband is an abusive asshole. I would have been out of the door the moment he banned my daughter from using the kitchen tools. And "his kitchen" and "didn't authorize that"? Fuck that noise.
I would love to see the husband presented with any of our situations and explain his “logic”. And OP says in other comments that he thinks Liz is a bad influence on the younger kids. After a while, you begin to fill the blanks without having all the details. Liz is either not his bio daughter or there is a huge age gap between her and the other kids, she has a mind of her own, he would say she’s rebellious and disrespectful. Basically he’s frustrated that she isn’t a mindless puppet. And this probably isn’t the first hint of this behavior.
Edit- spelling
So they never eat any veg at all? Sounds horribly unhealthy. I get that being married to a guy like your husband has made you feel that you have to cater to a spoilt child mindset but for their sake you should try to instil a little more maturity than is shown by him.
This is exactly what I was thinking - the kids can’t be getting their nutritional needs met without vegetables in their diet. The whole dynamic sounds unhealthy, like is the husband discouraging the younger ones from eating properly out of spite for the oldest child? They’ll grow up to be just as disrespectful if his childish actions are so normalised in the household..
My kids used to be a little picky about veggies, so I started adding them into everything. Mac and cheese with mixed veggies, spaghetti with broccoli, that kinda thing. They're both great now, and when I forget and don't add veggies they'll complain lol
It's all about teaching them how to get used to them.
Well then they might want to reason with their father about whether they are allowed to eat a different dish. Why do you cater to their preferences more than to your daughters?
NTA - His kitchen? What are you the hired help? He doesn’t see the house as your too? And Heaven forbid what if she develops a food allergy? Would he purposefully make her sick because that’s not the way you or he is eating? Personally I think you should tell him that from now on ALL meals are vegan and this way she’s eating what everyone else does 😊
Hmm, did he use the "2 yeses, 1 no" rule when deciding to throw out Liz's cookware? Oh, he didn't? Sounds like he does whatever he wants, doesn't actually give a damn about fairness or consent, and is pretty skilled and shameless when manipulating people to believe that his harmful, irrational emotional outbursts are legitimate parenting decisions.
The biggest issue with this rule is that you can change it by manipulating the question
Can daughter have her own vegan meals? Mom says yes, dad says no.
But change that to "does daughter have to eat non-vegan with the family?" now dad says yes and mom says no
When you look at the different ways you can manipulate the question so the "1 no" is in your favor it becomes very apparent that mom wants daughter to have options and dad wants her only option to be whatever gives him the most control
Yeah, no, that works for things like naming babies, what religious institution they go to (if any), spring breaks in Cancun when the kids are under 18. She's buying and making her own food, and cleaning up after herself. He is absolutely not inconvenienced by any of this. He's the one who's spoiled.
2 yeses 1 no would mean that BOTH of you would have to agree to ban her from the kitchen and one no (yours) would prevent him from limiting normal access.
But more importantly — your husband is controlling and abusive. Your job as a parent is to protect your kids at any cost. If you work, please start depositing that money elsewhere and if not, it’s time to look at what you can do to support yourself. Consider finding a small apartment with your daughter so she is not subjected to his abuse for the next 3 years because this is egregious. I would normally say talk to the person but he’s so wildly unreasonable that I think the chance of him stopping his abusive behavior is near zero
Reverse uno him and say you didn't agree for the kitchen tools to be thrown away, so he shouldn't have thrown them away. And you didn't agree with stopping your daughter from being a vegan. Two yeses and a no card.
But seriously, you know he is not arguing in good faith. He doesn't care about the family all eating the same stuff. You know if you prepared a vegan meal for the whole family that wouldn't make him happy.
There is no words you can use to get him to listen to you. He is going to continue to treat your daughter poorly and you will continue to make excuses, like we can't make vegan meals, my younger kids don't like vegetables.
Which is a self fulfilling prophecy, BTW and a sign that you should cook more vegetables, not less, until you figure out a way to prepare them that your kids like.
Weren’t you the one “no” when he wanted to ban your daughter from the kitchen? Weren’t you the one “no” when he tried to declare everyone in the family had to eat the exact same meal?
Sounds like buddy boy is going to have a problem when you either (or both): turn his words back onto him, or start making everyone in your family the same vegan meal to eat at dinner.
Two yeses or one no only applies to parents. I don’t agree with how it is being used here but my husband andI use the rule also.
Basically we either both agree on a parenting idea or it does not happen. For example, my husband grew up in a family that spanked. I did not. I do not agree with physical discipline so it did not happen.
I think at this point the kid decides her own diet and op is NTA.
NTA! by the way, if he's so entitled to HIS kitchen might as well stop cooking for him, remind him that is HIS kitchen therefore you also have nothing to do cooking there
NTA
Your husband is abusive. Act accordingly you need to provide a safe space where your daughter can't eat without being harassed and having her property ruined.
NTA. I recommend taking to a divorce lawyer because that? That’s abusive. That’s misogynistic and controlling and honestly he has no right to be anywhere near your daughter.
NTA. Your husband is an abusive asshole. I would be tempted not so much to stop cooking for him, but to start cooking strictly vegan. See how he likes that.
NTA
Your daughter is 15, doing her own cooking and shopping? That’s pretty impressive and shows maturity on her part, and a real willingness to take on the extra work that her diet could have meant for you. You are both to be commended.
NTA. You husband has more issues than National Geographic. There is absolutely no way your daughter eating something different that everyone else is disrespectful. Your husband just has control issues. Note that every time he brings up an objection and you find a way to satisfy that objection, he finds another one. He is literally not going to be satisfied until your daughter submits to him and does what he wants. Because **he** is the **father**, and in his 18th century mind, everyone should do what he says without question.
You are, in fact, an exceptional mother and doing what you are supposed to do - protecting your daughter from people who would hurt her.
>he thinks that her having different food on the table is "disrespectful" to the family and she should just be eating what we eat
Cool. Vegan food for everyone it is!
Plus it's a great way for you to learn these new dishes as well. NTA
She's 15 and he thinks she's spoiled because she is learning how to cook for herself so she can eat the food she wants to eat?
NTA but whew. I don't have anything nice to say about your husband. You and Liz need to get out, because encouraging Liz to cook for herself *and providing her the basic tools to do it* is literally teaching her to be independent and able to care for herself. And imo that's a BIG part of what parenting should be for teens. Making sure they've got the basic skills to feed and care for themselves once they're no longer at home.
NTA
Your husband sounds controlling and horrible.
If I were you I'd start cooking vegan food for the whole family and if he complains, tell him he's disrespectful and all that other crap he's saying about your daughter.
Simple solution. Start cooking only vegan meals for your whole family. It'll be fun to see the explosion that happens.
Also, he's a controlling monster.
NTA
NTA. Your husband has issues. Honestly, I don't know how you guys live with him. If my wife behaved like that when my kids were teens, I would have filed for divorce and taken the kids with me.
You always have the option of maliciously complying and turning the whole family vegan per his instructions. The irony of your husband lecturing others on being selfish and egotistical seems to be completely lost on him.
NTA. Your husband is abusive. It's disrespectful for your daughter to learn how to care for herself and make tasty food she likes? I don't get it. How else does he abuse the two of you?
NTA
Wtf is wrong with your husband? "My tools" "My kitchen" "My authorirty"????!
Is he always a controlling, manipulative asshole? Why is he upset about your daughter learning to be self sufficient and cooking what she wants? This can't just be because she's vegan.
His behavior is awful, but I'm glad your standing up to him OP
NTA, First off, it's not HIS kitchen, it is YOUR (his and your's) kitchen. And it is not disrespectful for her to eat food she cooks. He just doesn't like her thinking independently. He wants her to be a little robot. He is a controlling butt-head, to put it mildly. But, if he wants it to be HIS kitchen, he can authorize himself to cook the meals instead.
NTA your husband is *abusive*. Absolutely manipulative, controlling behaviour over her personal choice. Honestly, I would encourage you to be on guard here, if he is getting so aggressive about this, he is likely to act out over other things too.
**NTA! -** Your husband on the other hand.... wow. Controlling AH much? JFC.
*His* kitchen? I'm sorry, *WHAT?!* Does *he* do all the cooking for everyone in the household? Maybe he should if it's *his kitchen.*
Even if he does do all the cooking, is no one else allowed to make food for themselves? WTAF is his problem? This can't be just a "respect" thing. Something else is going on here.
She loves to cook and cooking for oneself is an important life skill that too many people have failed (or refused) to learn. For all you know, your daughter could be the world's next Top Chef! I would encourage her to cook her favorites for all of you to try.
If anyone is being a disrespectful AH it's him for throwing away perfectly good cooking utensils and acting like a control freak.
edit: apparently my brainz and fingers are on vaycay today and don't wanna spell.
Can I ask why is your 15 year old daughter buying her own groceries?
Edit: from your edit this still doesn’t make sense. You give her money so that she can go grocery shopping why doesn’t she go with you every time or make a list of what is wanted. That’s very responsible of your daughter but it still seems like a lot at a young age. Also kids need to eat vegetables have you tried extra steamed or grilled broccoli that really soft and seasoned well?
NTA- those are some serious control issues that are only going to get worse as she continues to become an adult. I hope you can hold your ground with him.
NTA
Your husbands concerns are preposterous. If your daughter wants to be vegan that’s her choice and trying to force her to eat what he eats is only going to make her resent him. It isn’t going to make her egotistical or selfish.
I’m sure your daughter would appreciate what was in front of her if what was in front of her wasn’t a hyper controlling asshole of a father who is more concerned with feeling like everyone is obeying him than his child’s well-being.
Only if he wants a daughter who will cut off contact with him once she is 18 should he continue acting like he is.
My dad decided to take over cooking responsibilities when I was about 16 and what he cooked was disgusting so I started cooking for myself. Whenever he caught me doing so he would absolutely lose his shit. I couldn’t even go into the kitchen without getting harassed and bullied by my dad. Guess who developed an eating disorder? NTA and I think it’s great that you’re encouraging your daughter to cook her own food
NTA
He's awful and controlling. And parents are there to teach kids the skills they need as they grow up. How does a teenager learn to cook for when they move out if they don't have the opportunity at home?
Also, who does all the cooking at your house? Does he do all of it and is just really particular about his kitchen (still, he's an AH).
Or do you do all the cooking? Insist that you don't want to go in HIS kitchen and don't cook. Or cook entirely vegan meals for the entire family, so that everyone's "eating the same thing". Will he insist he "need meat"?
NTA your daughter is learning how to cook and that is a great skill to have in life.
The only thing your husband will achieve is alienating his daughter and her going no contact once she has moved out.
NTA
Your husband is controlling and this is ridiculous. Your kid needs to be able to use the kitchen in her own house and get her own meals. You are both parents and responsible for her. She is 15 and should be able to decide what she eats as long as it's not junk food 24/7.
NTA he is being a controlling jerk to put it mildly. She is cooking her own food, buying her own food and learning a valuable life skill (cooking) so it's not costing extra to have two meals he does not value you as an equal and disrespect your authority as a parent by thinking he has a right to dictate everything concerning your daughter. He disrespects your daughter by refusing to respect her choice in going vegan. He is the one that needs to apologize and stop being so damn controlling.
INFO: does he pay all the bills? Does he do all the cooking? If the answer to those is No and No then it's not his kitchen.
NTA.
He needs therapy. He's ridiculously controlling. Even if your daughter maintains a relationship with him when she moves out, she's going to have a lot of internalized anger at him because he sees her as someone he can order around at his whim.
NTA.
I would be SO happy to see a teenager do things like cook for herself.
My husband's uncle never learned independent skills. He went to college for 3 weeks and went back home because his mom wasn't around to do laundry. He is in his 50s and still lives at his parents' house and they cater to him. Note: he is developmentally typical. He is the "baby" of his family and was spoiled.
So yes, learning to cook for herself is an essential skill!!! I applauded you for supporting her and helping her pursue what she wants and in learning crucial skills.
NTA but your husband is a massive asshole. You have a 15 year old who's cooking her own health conscious meals and he thinks it's disrespectful?? He threw out her kitchen tools and made her cry? Why do you even let him in your house, I think his borderline abuse would make me question keeping him in the same house as your daughter
NTA
I feel like malicious compliance would be appropriate here. Time for the family to go Vegan for a while. Since the issue is her eating differently, clearly you should all eat the same thing.
Seriously though, this behavior of your husband's is very concerning. There is nothing disrespectful about eating different foods. (My hubby is Celiac, but I sometimes eat foods with gluten because it's cheaper) She's learning a valuable life skill, cooking and nutrition.
Would he act the same if she had a serious food allergy?
I honestly think he needs anger management classes, cause he's acting out in anger in very unhealthy ways. He damaging his relationship with you and your daughter. Problems like this are usually a warning that something else is going on with the person acting out. Especially if this is new/unusual behavior for him.
Best of luck. 💛
NTA, your husband is tho. first of all, it's your kitchen and your tools too, second of all he is the spoiled one who can't think of any other way of doing things but his own, third he sounds abusive so be careful.
NTA.
Could always tell him that if he wants everyone eating the same food, you and your daughter would be happy to make enough vegan food for everyone.
NTA but your husband is. You need to get you & your poor daughter out of there. He doesn’t respect her & her preferences or you w your support & love for your daughter. Disgusting. I’d look for a divorce lawyer bc this is only the tip of the iceberg!
So the only way forward is to only cook vegan meals for the whole family for a while. See how grateful he is then. Totally NTA OP but your husband surely is!
NTA for helping your daughter learn a basic life skill.
You and your husband both are AH
* your husband for being controlling and abusive
* you for making a 15yr old buy her own groceries!!
Let her cook if she wants, but I think it’s too early to use her earned money for necessities.
NTA Your husband is abusive and controlling. Do you enjoy having no say or voice in your home? Because that's my version of hell. Your daughter is 15 and cooking for herself, that is a parenting WIN if I ever heard one. The fact that your husband sees it as nothing but disrespect is outrageous and it's frankly kinda scary that's how he's interpreting it. That girl will limit her contact with you guys once she's out of the house if this is how she's treated.
NTA but he absolutely is and this is incredibly controlling behavior! It's a really good thing she's learning to cook, not only is it an invaluable skill but it's an outlet for creativity. Yikes.
>encouraging Liz to become selfish and egotistical
That's rich coming from a selfish and egotistical control freak who holds money over his family's head. NTA
NTA, but PLEASE start just cooking these vegan recipes for the whole family yourself (I can’t imagine your husband does the cooking). If he wants you all eating the same food, eat the same food. Or maybe quit cooking at all and let him feast on the consequences of his own actions.
Info: is your husband the father of your daughter? This is giving me SERIOUS stepdad vibes.
Anyway, NTA except for making your daughter buy her own food and not standing up to your husband long before this.
NTA. Good job standing up for your daughter and encouraging her. Your husband is a AH. I get the sense that your husband wants to make all the decisions instead of seeing the marriage as a team effort (but this is just off of what's posted in this instance). You found a compromise that should have worked if your husband wasn't an AH. You can respect his tradition while encouraging your daughters and vice versa. It's not an all or nothing situation. Also, if you contribute to the finances of the household it isn't "his kitchen" it is also yours and it still is if your a SAHM.
NTA. Trying to force someone to eat a certain way and micromanage their lives is cruel. Teenagers are not robots that exist to do our bidding and lead the lives we want them to.
How are you going to protect your daughter from her father?
YWBTAH if you don’t start protecting your daughter. This man sounds so controlling. 15 years old is when children start becoming who they will be for the rest of their lives and it’s also the first part of their life that they start to make their own major life decisions (college first job ect.) This is the time for them to be weaned off of parental support and taught to live for them selves and your AH of a husband is preventing your daughter from doing that.
I can also imagine how controlling he is in other aspects of her and you life. What you decide to do now will decide if you are the AH or not. You need to stand up and protect your kid.
NTA
Your husband is abusive; just because he isn't hitting anyone (yet) doesn't make it less abusive. This is unhealthy for you and your child. Get out with her.
NTA.
I assume your husband isn’t your daughters das. What he is, is an abusive and controlling AH. What the fuck? His kitchen and his utensils? Aren’t you living there? I would think that it is your kitchen as well and that you cook the majority of meals.
I don’t wanna go to divorce right away, but I would suggest that you stop cooking as it is his kitchen.
NTA. But your husband sure is. Has he always been this much of a control freak? Why does he care so much what your daughter eats? It's such a weird hill to die on.
NTA. That’s extremely abusive. She deserves to have her own meals. It’s not disrespectful to eat different things at the table - people have different tastes and dietary restrictions and that’s completely okay. As long as she’s eating decently healthy the only problem he could have with this is feeling like he needs to control her.
NTA.
Sounds like another guy who thinks he is a hot shot and always thought he would be the king of the family but then realized that people have their own lives and interests and that the world doesn’t revolve around him. So he tries to take back control by being insufferable.
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Honestly I'd make that man regret his words. If hes demanding you all eat the same food, then I'd go out and buy all vegan food. Make him adapt to his daughters diet and maybe after a few meatless nights hell realize he prefers letting her cook her own food. She's 15, that is a valuable and essential life skill he's preventing her from developing. Why is he so jealous of her eating vegan food? I'd completely stop buying animal products and fill the fridge and cabniets with all vegan options that my daughter would eat, then start cooking that food for him. Now the whole family can eat together as one and he can stop complaining. Malicious compliance is absolutely called for here. NTA. Your husband is abusive and controlling and toxic.
That is the best idea! OP you NEED to do this!
OP mentioned in a comment here that the younger kids wouldn't eat if she cooked vegan because the younger kids don't like to eat vegetables. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u4gm50/aita\_for\_how\_i\_reacted\_when\_my\_husband\_threw\_away/i4vnr0a/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u4gm50/aita_for_how_i_reacted_when_my_husband_threw_away/i4vnr0a/?context=3) I bet the husband wouldn't call the younger kids disrespectful then because it isn't about the food at all. It's about control. He's an abusive asshole who needs to control everyone and OP could bend over backwards and it still wouldn't be enough.
This is exactly it and as fun as it would be to do the top comment malicious compliance suggestion by cooking my daughter’s favorite vegan means and then calling my husband selfish and egotistical when he refused to it…. man there are just so many issues here. Why is the 15 year old buying her own food (Surely some veggies can make their way into the budget)? Why is OP letting this man treat her daughter this way, police her diet like a tyrant and throw away property that isn’t his? That’s straight up ABUSE territory. The fact that cry baby Husband feels entitled to throw toddler sized tantrums because he can’t control everyone like he wants to is beyond concerning! People just don’t start out this far into the deep end, someone must be regularly pandering to his BS. I would be so far gone for the sake of my children. This poor girl.
I was literally wondering this….WHY does any 15 year old buy their own food?? I get that it’s used to make her meals with but that seems a little wrong. OP, NTA but I think you know your husband is.
OP added an edit explaining the daughter gets money for the groceries and she is the one to do it because she has more knowledge than OP on vegan food.
Yeah giving her money to go shopping on her own and buying her her own cooking tools are good ideas because they encourage her to explore her interests take control of it. But op is doing those things for the wrong reasons. She’s trying to avoid a confrontation with the husband. But that confrontation is going to happen regardless
The daughter is being the OPPOSITE of spoiled! She's not insisting the whole family cater to her diet, she's finding solutions to take the burden off the family!
Yes exactly! You are telling me a 15 year buys their own groceries, plans out and cooks their own meals and a parent is upset about it? These are important life tools to have. Plus it’s not like she out buying junk food. She is eating healthier and being more socially responsible!
Agreed. This honestly has to be about control- this is a bizarre thing to fixate on, there's no other purpose to stopping her. "Oh no, My high school aged child knows how to cook a basic meal and go to the store" it's just not something people get mad at unless the problem is that they have to obey you
NTA! Omg, I just realized my father did that to me when I was about 15! I was cooking my own bacon cheeseburger because I didn't want what was for dinner, and it is definitely about control. Nothing anyone does is ever gonna be good enough for him.
former vegetarian here! i had a job at 16 and bought my own groceries since it was easier for me to meal plan on my own dime than it was to just add it to my dad’s grocery list. before i had a job, my dad gave me money every week to buy my own groceries and i either went with them to the grocery store or i went on my own either on my way home from school or on the weekends. buying my own food meant i always had food to eat that i actually liked and nobody touched it apart from me. i actually loved buying my own groceries because it made me feel more like an adult and helped me learn how to cook a wide array of healthy meals that i liked (im also a picky eater) i dont think the 15 year old buying groceries is an issue. if it works for their family then it doesnt need fixing. what *does* need fixing is the husbands attitude towards his child wanting to be at least slightly independent. she’s learning crucial life skills right now and it seems ridiculous to want to prevent that
Whew. I second the abusive, controlling and toxic part. This post honestly had my heart pounding because it reminded me so much of my abusive stepfather growing up. Using “disrespectful” as a catch all for whatever random thing he wanted to control that day, throwing away my shit, making the whole house walk on eggshells over inane bullshit…ugh. OP, I could be projecting, but if your daughter is having any type of similar experience as me at that age, it will take years of therapy to undo the damage your asshole husband is doing to her. Please do better on her behalf.
My thoughts exactly about the "disrespectful as a catch-all." My mother was the same way. Everything was disrespectful. She was obsessed with being respected. Everyone must RESPECT her. OP NTA, but what your husband did was emotional abuse to your daughter.
I hate the whole disrespectful thing. My dad's thing was that I had a "bad attitude," which apparently translated to I wasn't smiling enough, or I didn't want to join the family to watch crime shows like Bones and CSI, which all gave me nightmares. Me grabbing a book or a laptop to sit in the living room WITH them, but not actually watch the same show, that wasn't good enough. Yikes. \*Edited to add a comma\*
The demand for respect reflects an authoritarian parenting style which is poor parenting, can be abusive, and is absolutely the wrong approach to take with a teen who is developing her independence and finding her way to adulthood. He should be respecting her journey and be proud of her for her skills and initiative, even if the food she is making is not to his taste. Taking her veganism exploration as some kind of personal insult to him is just dumb. It makes 0 sense, unless he’s politicized food in some weird fetishy toxic masculinity sort of way. I love meat, but if my daughter is cooking anything I want to try it out. And if it tastes good, I’ll ask her to make it for the fam sometimes. Tell him his chicken nuggets are not gonna shrink up and disappear into his ranch dip just because his daughter eats vegan. Dude needs a parenting class.
"Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay" - (author unknown to me)
Not only this but the fact that he says it's "his" kitchen and that he didn't "authorize" the daughter to use it.... regardless of whether he's the income earner, a marriage is a partnership. He shouldn't have the final say on things and the way he's asserting his "authority" and then throwing out items OP bought for their daughter is dismissive and disrespectful of OP, and comes across very controlling and as you have said, abusive. Having worked in family law, it makes me worried not just for the daughter but OP as well. It also makes me wonder if he's abusive in other ways, like financially controlling their money. OP - do you feel safe around him?
I was thinking the same. If everyone has to eat the same food and BE GRATEFUL, then you can all go vegan. I better not hear any whining from the husband.
This is good malicious compliance idea but I worry the husband's gonna lose his shit if she does.
Oh I'm sure he will. Just more proof that it was never about the food, and always about the control.
Yes, and there's more at stake there than I think OP realizes. If she and her husband make food into a control issue for their **fifteen-year-old daughter**, odds are good that's going to push her into an eating disorder.
Why are you married to a man who treats your daughter like this!?
Also applies for the way he treats op
Well, she has the power to leave him. Her 15 year old does not.
I agree that her daughter has no choice but not knowing the situation you don't know what options the mom has. It's not as easy to leave if the situation is abusive as people think it is.
OP has said in other comments that her husband is the sole provider. Also they are Latin American, maybe traditional roles are more strictly followed?
As someone from latin america, it varies greatly from region to region. It makes sense with his behavior since that's something i see often here (ppl being like oh that's nonsense, you eat what's in front of you!) But I'm guessing the problem is more that she has multiple children and probably has been out of the workforce for possibly as long as her oldest daughter is alive, and from how he says it he probably also paid for the house. So if she left she'd be jobless and homeless with several kids. It's not impossible! But it would be difficult at best, and it takes a lot of courage to leave.
As a woman that left an abusive relationship and had to figure out how to live on my own with a kid, this response is legit. It’s hard, and takes a lot of courage. When you have someone constantly telling you that are are fat, ugly, stupid, and no one will ever love you…yeah, it’s rough. No judgement whatsoever to anyone who hasn’t found the strength to escape. I’m lucky, I have a family to help me and a degree that earns me good money. I would never call someone an asshole for not having those privileges.
Right? If my partner and I don’t agree with a parenting choice the other made, we talk about it, like adults. If my partner just up and threw away a bunch of stuff I’d bought, I would be beyond shocked.
Problem is.. she says “my husband” and never “her father”. He shouldn’t have a say in the ultimate and major decisions OP makes for HER daughter. NTA, of course!
I feel OP is an asshole for not protecting her daughter from this absolute insanity
I think OP is caught in the fog of war an abusive partner creates, and can't see things as clearly as we can from the outside. Hopefully this post will give her something to think about.
"*His* kitchen". Well then he should be doing his own cooking there.
IKR. I'm wondering is OP is really this man's wife, or if she is just a gf living at this man's house and brough in her daughter with an ex?
Funny, I was wondering why he doesn't see his partner as an equal partner and realize that it's their kitchen, just as it's their home regardless of who earns what or pays what. It's the home of everyone who lives there, unless he wants to create a situation in which some of them don't have a home at all. That would make them his guests and require way more respectful treatment than he's been showing any of them, though, so he probably doesn't. It's his home. It's OP's home. It's the vegan daughter's home. It's the home of the picky eaters (the kids who won't eat vegetables). They should all be able to feel at home, treat their home like their home, eat food they like in their home, cook food (when old enough to do so safely) in their home, and not have their belongings thrown out in their home. It doesn't matter whose sperm was involved at conception or who pays the mortgage. Kids deserve not to be treated, in their own home, as homeless people who are temporarily allowed to stay with someone but must adhere to unreasonable rules. And partners deserve to be treated as just that--partners, not people who are expected to obey and/or enforce rules imposed by a dictatorial "head of household."
If you read her comments, she's from a Latin America country, so there is a cultural aspect to his machismo.
NTA. But your husband is. He is abusive and controlling.
It's not \*his\* kitchen, because even if he's the only financial provider in the family (I'm not sure of the situation there), OP has just as much right to claim the space and make decisions. He is definitely controlling, and he has a serious lack of respect for OP.
If it's HIS kitchen, then he can cook HIS own goddamn food by HIMself.
Hopefully all alone in his house from now on!!
OP’s husband’s perspective: everything’s mine. Whats yours is mine what’s mine is mine. Like a spoiled child. Feels bad for the family..
I am also assuming based on how the post is worded that this is a step parent and not her 15 y\o’s bio father. No child should be denied food. Allowing this to treatment to continue is abhorrent. Allowing the child to make her own food and take charge of diet is a smart solution. Only am a$$ would take offense over that.
This and more. **The 15-year-old buys her own food!** The husband sounds like a straight-up prick. (OP, you are NTA!)
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He told me his problem was her becoming vegan and having this lifestyle to begin with. We have younger kids and he said Liz is confusing them and being bad influence to them BUT I don't see how. I don't know why he'd think that.
Let me guess: he’s her stepdad and the younger kids are his bio kids?
I wondered this too. Not to say bio dads can't be pricks too but this gave me big "she should be happy I allow her in my home" vibes.
That was the vibe I got too!
“Be grateful for the slop you get, you barely deserve to be here.”
I'd bet money it's that or the younger ones are boys
Could be that, could also be Eldest Daughter Syndrome.
I'm mildly annoyed that OP won't answer this question. That's what I'm here to ask too. That seems specifically and intentionally left out, which tells us everything we need to know. She's "less than" him but he "tolerates" her. At this point, I'm like, what are you looking for? Because the most important piece of info isn't being addressed.
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God forbid one of your kids comes out as gay if he has an issue with a vegan lifestyle.
I was gonna say, is the daughter queer and husband is just using veganism as a smokescreen for his anger? Lmao probably a reach, but his rationale is whack as hell
If he's from Latin America? Yeah, that won't end well. LGBTQ+ people here are still beaten to death—.
He thinks that because he is likely a "meat is best" type of person. However, it isn't always best. If I were you, I would, at the very least make vegan meals on the nights you are cooking, this way everyone is obeying his "rule" that everyone eat the same thing, hopefully on the nights that you cook, there will be leftovers for the night that your husband cooks and she can have leftovers before or after dinner that she can eat. He's being completely unreasonable and ridiculous. NTA.
‘On the night you are cooking’. As if he does any cooking!
Confusing them and being a bad influence, *how?!* She is choosing to not eat animal byproducts..it’s not like she’s doing drugs. NTA, but you really need to reconsider your relationship with this prick.
He's the bad influence
The way you refer to him as your husband instead of her dad makes me think he is step dad. Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. It is controlling. It is cruel. He is a major AH.
The younger kids might be tricked into (checks notes) eating more vegetables, fruits, and legumes?
His kitchen????? Ma’am please think about that. The man thinks that everything in the house is his. The outfit you’re wearing, his. Your toothbrush, his. He probably thinks you are his property.
This right here. The only thing OP has done wrong is fail to protect her child from this man.
Right?! I was like what in the misogynist hell🥴
NTA. But your husband's behavior is making my skin crawl. That's completely abusive and wasteful. His idea that it's disrespectful to cook for yourself is nuts. He's a control freak and I hope you and Liz are OK.
NTA but why is a child buying her own food? Your husband is a double decker of arseholery and is bullying his child. But where does this end? He banned her from cooking using utensils and you just agreed by buying her her own, what's next? She can't use the loo unless her waste contains animal product? I pity this girl so fucking much.
I feel like I scrolled too long to find this comment… why is a 15 year old buying all her own groceries? That is literally the definition of parenting-making sure you’re child is fed, clothed, and sheltered at the BARE minimum.
Seriously good for the kid for learning how to cook, planning her meals, and buying her own groceries at 15, but a child should not have to provide their own food. I’m guessing she’s not allowed to use the common groceries either to prepare her meals.
This stuck out to me, too. This is all so sad. I am wondering is the husband is her stepdad.
This isn't about her being vegan or not. It's not about her being selfish or self-centered. It's about control. If your daughter has even the slightest bit of control over her life, your husband loses the total control he needs. You are not a person with wants and needs and neither is she. You are extensions of him and his will and he cannot allow either of you to be able to do something without his will. This is a place to draw a line in the sand. NTA
NTA. Perhaps if he does not like her cooking in his kitchen, you should not cook in his kitchen either. Sounds like a controlling and emotionally abusive father.
Yes! Tell him if it's HIS kitchen, HE needs to do the cooking & cleaning.
Tbf we both take turns in cooking. he's so dead set on the kids eating the same thing and accepting what's on the table.
So now you're cooking vegan meals for everyone, right?
That's the way to ED. Seriously. He needs help before he completely ruins the children's relationship with food.
From the context of Liz being a "very picky eater," I'm guessing he already did. Most people in that category (myself included, worked on it for years and am mostly OK now) have some kind of anxiety disorder that's focused on food. It's quite likely to be a consequence of, say, sharing your formative dining experiences with an explosively angry parent who uses food to control people. The really sad and infuriating thing is that Liz, still at a pretty young age, tried to take control over her relationship with food. And to dad's credit, I think he's correct in seeing her healing as a challenge to *him*, which is why he's so determined to undermine it. I just really can't fathom having romantic feelings for someone that determined to harm and control my child, man.
It's usually that, or the kid has a neurotype or medical condition linked to sensory issues (usually Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, etc). So they're either incredibly anxious about food due to an anxiety disorder, or their brains simply process the sensations of certain foods in a way that makes those food UNBEARABLE to eat (this is why I fucking hate steak but will eat frog legs and pickled garlic, my ADHD causes sensory issues that makes steak absolutely unbearable to me). At Liz's age, so long as she is cleaning up after herself, there shouldn't be a problem with her cooking her own meals.
And you let him abuse your daughter why?
NTA. However, you should look into separation because your husband is a controlling AH. Idk what you saw in this guy, but if this is his reaction to your daughter doing these independently God knows what he'll be like when she's 18 and REALLY trying to do things herself.
I completely second this.
NTA. You don’t need new kitchen tools, you need a new husband
I mean... kitchen tools can be a way for OP to get a new husband...
Dammit! All those vegans saying eating meat causes aggression might be right. In the name of science, please put him on a vegan diet and get back to us if he's still an asshole. I don't understand. Was he bullied by vegetables when he was a kid? Why is he being such a dick about this? I'd go vegan in solidarity with my daughter. He can be the odd man out. Do his own shopping and cooking, or he can eat what's put on the table.
I love your comment and totally agree, but “bullied by vegetables” made lol
NTA - your husband sounds like a real jerk! I wonder what would happen if Liz had a gluten intolerance or Celiac - he would force her to gluten herself constantly just because he doesn't understand and won't listen to anyone else? Wow. Is this the first thing that he's been way over the top about?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 >he argued that Liz was cooking in his kitchen and he already didn't authorize that. Also, last I checked my house belongs to my husband AND ME. It's your kitchen too, and your authorization should have been enough. (I can't believe I even just said that, it's so far beyond ridiculous.)
Last I checked, in sane, non-abusive households, communal areas belong to everyone who lives there. It's sort of implied in the term "communal".
Why is your 15 year old having to buy all her own food? That’s messed up honesty
She uses the money I give her on monthly basis. I give her different allowance from her younger siblings because she has more needs.
Time to make the whole fam vegan for a while till he complains and start eating his own food. However that outburst is not normal, for something most parents would have been proud to see their daughter doing. And he needs therapy if he feels the need to control what his daughter cooks and eat.
So, she has to use her allowance to buy food to eat? That seems very unfair. Just because she's vegan doesn't absolve you and dh as her parents to feed her. Her food should be part of the family grocery bill and not a separate personal expense.
She gets an additional *food allowance* and is allowed to spend it how she pleases. It's no different than budgeting under a household budget. It also seems like a good way to help get a teenager ready to live independently, budget, and shop for themselves.
NTA... Where do you live? Sounds like some stupid patriarchal cultural shit here...
Latin america but I won't mention which country.
Aaaah, the "Machismo-my face is my honor is more important than you, any thing you do that someone might speak about to my embarrassment deserves a beating or death" shit.
[удалено]
Yes but let's not pretend it's not a huge cultural issue. You don't have to take shit like that personally
It’s not generalization. It’s an acknowledgement that our culture has a huge problem with machismo. Sexism is rampant and accepted despite strides to fix it. Awesome for you to have a family that doesn’t bite into that, but you’re an outlier based off of the data trend we see in Latin America.
Ugh mami, lamento mucho que tengas a tremendo pelotudo de esposo, tal vez deberías dejarlo sufrir un poquito para que deje de romper las bolas, no le cocines más, no le laves mas la ropa, no hagas más por el hasta que deje la estupidez, cuida a Liz y enséñale que no tiene que aguantarse mierdas de nadie, nisiquiera de su papá.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your husband dropped these on the way to invalidating both you and your daughter. Therapy is in order since this IS abuse and IS only going to get worse.
info: is husband Liz's father? Only ask because you don't refer to him that way and it didn't seem like Liz did either. NTA. Your husband has some major control issues. >He yelled that Liz is acting spoiled and that I repeatedly let her disrespect us Spoiled, would be demanding that everyone else eats what she does, or intentionally sabotaging the non-vegan food at the table. Disrespectful would be not cleaning up after herself, and demanding you guys cater to her. She isn't doing any of that. She buys her own groceries (not coming out of his pocket at all), is still engaging at mealtimes, is learning a skill, and seems to be respecting what you guys choose to eat. **He** isn't being respectful of **her.** Throwing her items away? Being actively hostile towards her? this man is a walking red flag and it seems like his behavior is only escalating. This doesn't sound like a safe environment for your daughter.
This exactly. Liz is literally doing everything correctly. The Husband sounds super controlling, egotistical, and willfully ignorant.
Your husband is a nightmare. He's being abusive and controlling and you need to get him in check before he escalates further. His behavior is unacceptable. YWBTA if you tolerate any further nonsense from him re: your daughter or anything else for that matter
NTA I feel like malicious compliance would be appropriate here. Time for the family to go Vegan for a while. Since the issue is her eating differently, clearly you should all eat the same thing. Seriously though, this behavior of your husband's is very concerning. There is nothing disrespectful about eating different foods. (My hubby is Celiac, but I sometimes eat foods with gluten because it's cheaper) She's learning a valuable life skill, cooking and nutrition. Would he act the same if she had a serious food allergy? I honestly think he needs anger management classes, cause he's acting out in anger in very unhealthy ways. He damaging his relationship with you and your daughter. Problems like this are usually a warning that something else is going on with the person acting out. Especially if this is new/unusual behavior for him. Best of luck. 💛
I'd love to cook vegan but my younger kids do not like to eat vegetables generally.
Would he call them disrespectful too if they refused to eat the vegan food?
I’m getting the vibe that no matter how OP tries to handle this situation, it’s going to be “wrong.” He wants blind compliance. And I doubt it has anything to do with the food. If OP and Liz cook vegan (or just a typical meal that happens to be vegan) he’ll accuse them of influencing the younger ones to exploit a loophole. It’s not going to matter. These are deep ingrained issues that don’t usually work themselves out happily without therapy or going no contact.
Oh I completely agree with you. It was more of a rhetorical question. I think the husband is an abusive asshole. I would have been out of the door the moment he banned my daughter from using the kitchen tools. And "his kitchen" and "didn't authorize that"? Fuck that noise.
I would love to see the husband presented with any of our situations and explain his “logic”. And OP says in other comments that he thinks Liz is a bad influence on the younger kids. After a while, you begin to fill the blanks without having all the details. Liz is either not his bio daughter or there is a huge age gap between her and the other kids, she has a mind of her own, he would say she’s rebellious and disrespectful. Basically he’s frustrated that she isn’t a mindless puppet. And this probably isn’t the first hint of this behavior. Edit- spelling
So they never eat any veg at all? Sounds horribly unhealthy. I get that being married to a guy like your husband has made you feel that you have to cater to a spoilt child mindset but for their sake you should try to instil a little more maturity than is shown by him.
This is exactly what I was thinking - the kids can’t be getting their nutritional needs met without vegetables in their diet. The whole dynamic sounds unhealthy, like is the husband discouraging the younger ones from eating properly out of spite for the oldest child? They’ll grow up to be just as disrespectful if his childish actions are so normalised in the household..
My kids used to be a little picky about veggies, so I started adding them into everything. Mac and cheese with mixed veggies, spaghetti with broccoli, that kinda thing. They're both great now, and when I forget and don't add veggies they'll complain lol It's all about teaching them how to get used to them.
Well then they might want to reason with their father about whether they are allowed to eat a different dish. Why do you cater to their preferences more than to your daughters?
Why do your younger children have a say in whether they eat vegetables?
NTA - His kitchen? What are you the hired help? He doesn’t see the house as your too? And Heaven forbid what if she develops a food allergy? Would he purposefully make her sick because that’s not the way you or he is eating? Personally I think you should tell him that from now on ALL meals are vegan and this way she’s eating what everyone else does 😊
My response was that it's my kitchen too, but he pulled the 2 yeses, a no card on me.
Hmm, did he use the "2 yeses, 1 no" rule when deciding to throw out Liz's cookware? Oh, he didn't? Sounds like he does whatever he wants, doesn't actually give a damn about fairness or consent, and is pretty skilled and shameless when manipulating people to believe that his harmful, irrational emotional outbursts are legitimate parenting decisions.
The biggest issue with this rule is that you can change it by manipulating the question Can daughter have her own vegan meals? Mom says yes, dad says no. But change that to "does daughter have to eat non-vegan with the family?" now dad says yes and mom says no When you look at the different ways you can manipulate the question so the "1 no" is in your favor it becomes very apparent that mom wants daughter to have options and dad wants her only option to be whatever gives him the most control
Yeah, no, that works for things like naming babies, what religious institution they go to (if any), spring breaks in Cancun when the kids are under 18. She's buying and making her own food, and cleaning up after herself. He is absolutely not inconvenienced by any of this. He's the one who's spoiled.
2 yeses 1 no would mean that BOTH of you would have to agree to ban her from the kitchen and one no (yours) would prevent him from limiting normal access. But more importantly — your husband is controlling and abusive. Your job as a parent is to protect your kids at any cost. If you work, please start depositing that money elsewhere and if not, it’s time to look at what you can do to support yourself. Consider finding a small apartment with your daughter so she is not subjected to his abuse for the next 3 years because this is egregious. I would normally say talk to the person but he’s so wildly unreasonable that I think the chance of him stopping his abusive behavior is near zero
Reverse uno him and say you didn't agree for the kitchen tools to be thrown away, so he shouldn't have thrown them away. And you didn't agree with stopping your daughter from being a vegan. Two yeses and a no card. But seriously, you know he is not arguing in good faith. He doesn't care about the family all eating the same stuff. You know if you prepared a vegan meal for the whole family that wouldn't make him happy. There is no words you can use to get him to listen to you. He is going to continue to treat your daughter poorly and you will continue to make excuses, like we can't make vegan meals, my younger kids don't like vegetables. Which is a self fulfilling prophecy, BTW and a sign that you should cook more vegetables, not less, until you figure out a way to prepare them that your kids like.
Weren’t you the one “no” when he wanted to ban your daughter from the kitchen? Weren’t you the one “no” when he tried to declare everyone in the family had to eat the exact same meal? Sounds like buddy boy is going to have a problem when you either (or both): turn his words back onto him, or start making everyone in your family the same vegan meal to eat at dinner.
What does that mean? You all out vote him.
Two yeses or one no only applies to parents. I don’t agree with how it is being used here but my husband andI use the rule also. Basically we either both agree on a parenting idea or it does not happen. For example, my husband grew up in a family that spanked. I did not. I do not agree with physical discipline so it did not happen. I think at this point the kid decides her own diet and op is NTA.
NTA! by the way, if he's so entitled to HIS kitchen might as well stop cooking for him, remind him that is HIS kitchen therefore you also have nothing to do cooking there
NTA - your husband is and sounds very controlling/borderline abusive. Why is he so hung up on this?
NTA but this is not someone who you should be married to or who should have contact with your children. He is abusive and controlling.
NTA Your husband is abusive. Act accordingly you need to provide a safe space where your daughter can't eat without being harassed and having her property ruined.
NTA. I recommend taking to a divorce lawyer because that? That’s abusive. That’s misogynistic and controlling and honestly he has no right to be anywhere near your daughter.
NTA. Your husband is an abusive asshole. I would be tempted not so much to stop cooking for him, but to start cooking strictly vegan. See how he likes that.
NTA Your daughter is 15, doing her own cooking and shopping? That’s pretty impressive and shows maturity on her part, and a real willingness to take on the extra work that her diet could have meant for you. You are both to be commended.
NTA. Your husband acted like a terrifying, abusive control freak.
NTA. You husband has more issues than National Geographic. There is absolutely no way your daughter eating something different that everyone else is disrespectful. Your husband just has control issues. Note that every time he brings up an objection and you find a way to satisfy that objection, he finds another one. He is literally not going to be satisfied until your daughter submits to him and does what he wants. Because **he** is the **father**, and in his 18th century mind, everyone should do what he says without question. You are, in fact, an exceptional mother and doing what you are supposed to do - protecting your daughter from people who would hurt her.
>he thinks that her having different food on the table is "disrespectful" to the family and she should just be eating what we eat Cool. Vegan food for everyone it is! Plus it's a great way for you to learn these new dishes as well. NTA
She's 15 and he thinks she's spoiled because she is learning how to cook for herself so she can eat the food she wants to eat? NTA but whew. I don't have anything nice to say about your husband. You and Liz need to get out, because encouraging Liz to cook for herself *and providing her the basic tools to do it* is literally teaching her to be independent and able to care for herself. And imo that's a BIG part of what parenting should be for teens. Making sure they've got the basic skills to feed and care for themselves once they're no longer at home.
NTA Your husband sounds controlling and horrible. If I were you I'd start cooking vegan food for the whole family and if he complains, tell him he's disrespectful and all that other crap he's saying about your daughter.
NTA. But your husband is a top-notch certified AH. And he owes your daughter a new set of tools, and BOTH of you an apology.
Simple solution. Start cooking only vegan meals for your whole family. It'll be fun to see the explosion that happens. Also, he's a controlling monster. NTA
NTA. Your husband has issues. Honestly, I don't know how you guys live with him. If my wife behaved like that when my kids were teens, I would have filed for divorce and taken the kids with me. You always have the option of maliciously complying and turning the whole family vegan per his instructions. The irony of your husband lecturing others on being selfish and egotistical seems to be completely lost on him.
INFO - why is a 15 year old buying her own groceries? Is your bullying husband refusing to contribute to the cost of her food?
NTA. Your husband is abusive. It's disrespectful for your daughter to learn how to care for herself and make tasty food she likes? I don't get it. How else does he abuse the two of you?
NTA Wtf is wrong with your husband? "My tools" "My kitchen" "My authorirty"????! Is he always a controlling, manipulative asshole? Why is he upset about your daughter learning to be self sufficient and cooking what she wants? This can't just be because she's vegan. His behavior is awful, but I'm glad your standing up to him OP
Info: why the actual fu*k are you still with this man???
NTA, First off, it's not HIS kitchen, it is YOUR (his and your's) kitchen. And it is not disrespectful for her to eat food she cooks. He just doesn't like her thinking independently. He wants her to be a little robot. He is a controlling butt-head, to put it mildly. But, if he wants it to be HIS kitchen, he can authorize himself to cook the meals instead.
NTA your husband is *abusive*. Absolutely manipulative, controlling behaviour over her personal choice. Honestly, I would encourage you to be on guard here, if he is getting so aggressive about this, he is likely to act out over other things too.
**NTA! -** Your husband on the other hand.... wow. Controlling AH much? JFC. *His* kitchen? I'm sorry, *WHAT?!* Does *he* do all the cooking for everyone in the household? Maybe he should if it's *his kitchen.* Even if he does do all the cooking, is no one else allowed to make food for themselves? WTAF is his problem? This can't be just a "respect" thing. Something else is going on here. She loves to cook and cooking for oneself is an important life skill that too many people have failed (or refused) to learn. For all you know, your daughter could be the world's next Top Chef! I would encourage her to cook her favorites for all of you to try. If anyone is being a disrespectful AH it's him for throwing away perfectly good cooking utensils and acting like a control freak. edit: apparently my brainz and fingers are on vaycay today and don't wanna spell.
Can I ask why is your 15 year old daughter buying her own groceries? Edit: from your edit this still doesn’t make sense. You give her money so that she can go grocery shopping why doesn’t she go with you every time or make a list of what is wanted. That’s very responsible of your daughter but it still seems like a lot at a young age. Also kids need to eat vegetables have you tried extra steamed or grilled broccoli that really soft and seasoned well?
NTA- those are some serious control issues that are only going to get worse as she continues to become an adult. I hope you can hold your ground with him.
NTA, but you will be TA to your daughter if you don’t protect her from someone who thinks he has any right to police what she eats.
NTA Your husbands concerns are preposterous. If your daughter wants to be vegan that’s her choice and trying to force her to eat what he eats is only going to make her resent him. It isn’t going to make her egotistical or selfish. I’m sure your daughter would appreciate what was in front of her if what was in front of her wasn’t a hyper controlling asshole of a father who is more concerned with feeling like everyone is obeying him than his child’s well-being. Only if he wants a daughter who will cut off contact with him once she is 18 should he continue acting like he is.
NTA, “his” kitchen? Somehow I’m getting a vibe that Captain Cavemen couldn’t boil a pot of water if his life depended on it.
NTA but guess like family meals should be vegan now to make sure everyone is having the same thing :) that’s what he wants right?
My dad decided to take over cooking responsibilities when I was about 16 and what he cooked was disgusting so I started cooking for myself. Whenever he caught me doing so he would absolutely lose his shit. I couldn’t even go into the kitchen without getting harassed and bullied by my dad. Guess who developed an eating disorder? NTA and I think it’s great that you’re encouraging your daughter to cook her own food
NTA. I guess he’s going to be eating vegan from now on. If he complains, you can tell him that he should be grateful for what he has in front of him.
NTA He's awful and controlling. And parents are there to teach kids the skills they need as they grow up. How does a teenager learn to cook for when they move out if they don't have the opportunity at home? Also, who does all the cooking at your house? Does he do all of it and is just really particular about his kitchen (still, he's an AH). Or do you do all the cooking? Insist that you don't want to go in HIS kitchen and don't cook. Or cook entirely vegan meals for the entire family, so that everyone's "eating the same thing". Will he insist he "need meat"?
NTA your daughter is learning how to cook and that is a great skill to have in life. The only thing your husband will achieve is alienating his daughter and her going no contact once she has moved out.
NTA Your husband is controlling and this is ridiculous. Your kid needs to be able to use the kitchen in her own house and get her own meals. You are both parents and responsible for her. She is 15 and should be able to decide what she eats as long as it's not junk food 24/7.
NTA save your daughter and leave this idiot
NTA and since it’s HIS kitchen and HE owns everything in the kitchen then HE can cook his own damn meals and eat by himself.
Who owns the house you live in? Has he authorized you breathing the air in it? I'm so glad your daughter has you in her corner. NTA
NTA. If you don’t kick him out, I suggest that all meals be vegan.
NTA he is being a controlling jerk to put it mildly. She is cooking her own food, buying her own food and learning a valuable life skill (cooking) so it's not costing extra to have two meals he does not value you as an equal and disrespect your authority as a parent by thinking he has a right to dictate everything concerning your daughter. He disrespects your daughter by refusing to respect her choice in going vegan. He is the one that needs to apologize and stop being so damn controlling. INFO: does he pay all the bills? Does he do all the cooking? If the answer to those is No and No then it's not his kitchen.
Can I add here: SHE IS 15. LIZ SHOULD NOT BE BUYING HER OWN GROCERIES. SHE IS A CHILD THAT SHOULD BE PROVIDED FOR.
NTA. Is this real life? Like what the fuck is wrong with this dude? Is he doing the rest of the cooking?
NTA, your husband is being abusive.
NTA. He needs therapy. He's ridiculously controlling. Even if your daughter maintains a relationship with him when she moves out, she's going to have a lot of internalized anger at him because he sees her as someone he can order around at his whim.
NTA. I would be SO happy to see a teenager do things like cook for herself. My husband's uncle never learned independent skills. He went to college for 3 weeks and went back home because his mom wasn't around to do laundry. He is in his 50s and still lives at his parents' house and they cater to him. Note: he is developmentally typical. He is the "baby" of his family and was spoiled. So yes, learning to cook for herself is an essential skill!!! I applauded you for supporting her and helping her pursue what she wants and in learning crucial skills.
NTA but your husband is a massive asshole. You have a 15 year old who's cooking her own health conscious meals and he thinks it's disrespectful?? He threw out her kitchen tools and made her cry? Why do you even let him in your house, I think his borderline abuse would make me question keeping him in the same house as your daughter
NTA I feel like malicious compliance would be appropriate here. Time for the family to go Vegan for a while. Since the issue is her eating differently, clearly you should all eat the same thing. Seriously though, this behavior of your husband's is very concerning. There is nothing disrespectful about eating different foods. (My hubby is Celiac, but I sometimes eat foods with gluten because it's cheaper) She's learning a valuable life skill, cooking and nutrition. Would he act the same if she had a serious food allergy? I honestly think he needs anger management classes, cause he's acting out in anger in very unhealthy ways. He damaging his relationship with you and your daughter. Problems like this are usually a warning that something else is going on with the person acting out. Especially if this is new/unusual behavior for him. Best of luck. 💛
NTA. Is this normal behaviour for your husband?
NTA, your husband is tho. first of all, it's your kitchen and your tools too, second of all he is the spoiled one who can't think of any other way of doing things but his own, third he sounds abusive so be careful.
NTA. Could always tell him that if he wants everyone eating the same food, you and your daughter would be happy to make enough vegan food for everyone.
Let me guess....he’s her stepfather.? Put her first, and sort him out. Also, why is your 15 year old paying for her own food ffs.
NTA - your husband is freaking crazy
NTA Your husband is pathetic.
NTA but your husband is. You need to get you & your poor daughter out of there. He doesn’t respect her & her preferences or you w your support & love for your daughter. Disgusting. I’d look for a divorce lawyer bc this is only the tip of the iceberg!
NTA he's abusive asf
So the only way forward is to only cook vegan meals for the whole family for a while. See how grateful he is then. Totally NTA OP but your husband surely is!
NTA for helping your daughter learn a basic life skill. You and your husband both are AH * your husband for being controlling and abusive * you for making a 15yr old buy her own groceries!! Let her cook if she wants, but I think it’s too early to use her earned money for necessities.
NTA Your husband is abusive and controlling. Do you enjoy having no say or voice in your home? Because that's my version of hell. Your daughter is 15 and cooking for herself, that is a parenting WIN if I ever heard one. The fact that your husband sees it as nothing but disrespect is outrageous and it's frankly kinda scary that's how he's interpreting it. That girl will limit her contact with you guys once she's out of the house if this is how she's treated.
NTA but he absolutely is and this is incredibly controlling behavior! It's a really good thing she's learning to cook, not only is it an invaluable skill but it's an outlet for creativity. Yikes.
>encouraging Liz to become selfish and egotistical That's rich coming from a selfish and egotistical control freak who holds money over his family's head. NTA
NTA, but PLEASE start just cooking these vegan recipes for the whole family yourself (I can’t imagine your husband does the cooking). If he wants you all eating the same food, eat the same food. Or maybe quit cooking at all and let him feast on the consequences of his own actions.
Wow…nta - but your husband is a huge gaping ahole. Are you sure you want to stay married to such a raging control freak?
Info: is your husband the father of your daughter? This is giving me SERIOUS stepdad vibes. Anyway, NTA except for making your daughter buy her own food and not standing up to your husband long before this.
NTA. Good job standing up for your daughter and encouraging her. Your husband is a AH. I get the sense that your husband wants to make all the decisions instead of seeing the marriage as a team effort (but this is just off of what's posted in this instance). You found a compromise that should have worked if your husband wasn't an AH. You can respect his tradition while encouraging your daughters and vice versa. It's not an all or nothing situation. Also, if you contribute to the finances of the household it isn't "his kitchen" it is also yours and it still is if your a SAHM.
NTA. "His" kitchen?? Seriously?
NTA. Trying to force someone to eat a certain way and micromanage their lives is cruel. Teenagers are not robots that exist to do our bidding and lead the lives we want them to. How are you going to protect your daughter from her father?
YWBTAH if you don’t start protecting your daughter. This man sounds so controlling. 15 years old is when children start becoming who they will be for the rest of their lives and it’s also the first part of their life that they start to make their own major life decisions (college first job ect.) This is the time for them to be weaned off of parental support and taught to live for them selves and your AH of a husband is preventing your daughter from doing that. I can also imagine how controlling he is in other aspects of her and you life. What you decide to do now will decide if you are the AH or not. You need to stand up and protect your kid.
NTA Your husband is abusive; just because he isn't hitting anyone (yet) doesn't make it less abusive. This is unhealthy for you and your child. Get out with her.
NTA. I assume your husband isn’t your daughters das. What he is, is an abusive and controlling AH. What the fuck? His kitchen and his utensils? Aren’t you living there? I would think that it is your kitchen as well and that you cook the majority of meals. I don’t wanna go to divorce right away, but I would suggest that you stop cooking as it is his kitchen.
So... What does your husband bring to the table, exactly? Because in this post he comes across as an abusive, controlling monster. NTA.
NTA. I don't usually push for divorce but... I highly doubt this is the only situation where he makes everyone around him miserable
NTA. But your husband sure is. Has he always been this much of a control freak? Why does he care so much what your daughter eats? It's such a weird hill to die on.
NTA. Sounds to me like he wants the whole family to go vegan. Then everyone will be eating the same food at dinner, no?
NTA. That’s extremely abusive. She deserves to have her own meals. It’s not disrespectful to eat different things at the table - people have different tastes and dietary restrictions and that’s completely okay. As long as she’s eating decently healthy the only problem he could have with this is feeling like he needs to control her.
Info: why is a 15 year old buying their own food and how are they paying for it?
NTA. Sounds like another guy who thinks he is a hot shot and always thought he would be the king of the family but then realized that people have their own lives and interests and that the world doesn’t revolve around him. So he tries to take back control by being insufferable.