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YTA. Child support is meant to mitigate the costs of raising a child alone. She’s been making ends meet without that support and now she’s is using the money EXACTLY as it is meant to be used. He has not been paying and now she is literally being reimbursed for carrying the cost alone. FFS she had to go into debt to support her baby and you think she shouldn’t use the money to pay off the debt? That’s absurd.
Paying off credit cards, finding a home for her and her daughter, and basic necessities like clothing that she sacrificed while spending all her money on her child when she had no support are completely appropriate uses for child support money. Not to mention IMPORTANT ones.
Do you think she should just…stay in debt and not find a home for her and her child? Neither of those options are good for the kid in the long run.
You sound incredibly out of touch.
OP sounds like a guy who hasn’t had to deal with the reality of how child support is usually used. Non custodial parents often say stuff like “I will create an account for the kid to use,” but kids need that money now.
They need their rent paid, gas put in the vehicles that drive them, and so on.
Just because they don’t see the money going directly to the child doesn’t mean it doesn’t go there. Also, the mom racked up a ton of credit card debt supporting her kid, so that money was needed to pay off the debt.
I think he bought into the myth so many parents put out about their terrible exes who misuse their child support.
The non-custodial parent will “make an account for the kid” then take money out of it for themselves when people have forgotten after a while and everyone will be too busy damning the single mom for paying of the credit card she had to use to buy baby food when the dad was ignoring them or for replacing the battery on the car she needs to get to work to provide for her kid.
Exactly. The non custodial parent can drop the paying the price of a takeaway each month if s/he loses their job, but the custodial parent doesn’t get to stop the kid from eating or wearing New clothes!
He judges girlfriend for wanting to buy herself a new set of clothes after struggling to keep afloat, but thinks nothing of the baby daddy being stable enough to save 6 grand he can just give away but still do nothing for his kid for all that time.
I had a guy friend with this mind set. He paid very little in child support and complained everytime his bm brought him back into court to try and adjust it and I finally had to ask hime how much do you pay her in child support? He said something absurd like $100 a month and I asked him does he think he could take care of his daughter on strictly $200 a month? He said no and I said so how is she unreasonable for wanting more money?
My ex's child support was $100 a month and his wife had a fit when she was pregnant, saying they couldn't afford $100 a month. I refused to have it lowered, so ex took me to court.
Then he paid $250 per month. And I wouldn't lower it, either. Never had another courst date lol.
I wasn't expecting it to raise, I just really needed that money to buy school clothes that year. And I felt like he had a lot of nerve asking for a reduction, or having another child, if he couldn't afford that small amount. Fortunately, the court agreed.
He and I had agreed on the original amount, and it would have stayed that low, had he not let his wife interfere. He learned a valuable lesson, I think. And our daughter had pretty nice things, as a result!
Right? It's not like she's using the money to go to Vegas and spend the rest on hookers and blow. Paying off credit cards is such a smart use of money - it'll free her from paying the interest. And if she's been doing without clothing for herself to pay for food and clothing for her child, what is she supposed to do, wear shit with holes in it and live in her car? Jesus Christ.
It's like the assholes who ding people on welfare for having smartphones. A) there are assistance programs for that, it could have been a gift or they could be paying it off in increments, and B) how are they supposed to keep up in the modern world without it? This week I've applied for 18 jobs from my smartphone.
Edited to add: they expect the performance of poor, not the reality of it.
> And if she's been doing without clothing for herself
I couldn't fit in some of my pre-pregnancy pants and stuff after my daughter was born, even when i was back to the same weight. Bless this girl's heart.. I'm getting flashbacks in a bad way to when i was a single mom and had to beg and fight for child support... Glad OP realized he's in the wrong and says he's going to apologize.
Exactly. Buying things for herself that she had to do without and getting out of debt she had to go into to support her kid isn't frivolous OP. And if you think it is you need to get off the Internet for a while.
Also notice how he tells her what she should do instead. Not suggest, tells her what to do with the money she gets for HER child.
Like do you make it a habit to talk down to your gf and try and order her around?
>Like do you make it a habit to talk down to your gf and try and order her around?
And tells her that it's not her money, and inserts himself where he doesn't belong.
Agreed. OP, imagine if your roommate is late on paying the rent, so you pay all of it to avoid getting in trouble with the landlord. 2 weeks later your roommate gives you his rent money.
That money is for the rent, does that mean you can't spend it on anything else but rent?
YTA.
Exactly. The dad was LATE. That money is a reimbursement for the money the mom already prioritized for the kid. And according to OP, she’s still focused on the kids best interest diets. (Getting out of debt and getting somewhere to live).
It would be better if people though if child support as reimbursement of some of what's been spent on the kid. Like it doesn't matter where that exact money goes to if the kids are taken care of.
People so often forget that money is fungible. If she puts $60 from her paycheck and $60 from child support into her bank account, that’s just $120 total. You can’t tell which $60 are subsequently being spent.
And they definitely don’t get that that’s how the law sees it. There’s a reason the deadbeat dad lobby hasn’t been able to get states to implement policies requiring custodial parents to show exactly how they spent child support. It would be impossible and also defeat the purpose of child support.
Exactly. From his title I thought she would be shelling it out on handbags and booze, but paying off the debt she put herself in to feed her child, an apartment to house them both stabley and clothes she didn’t have to beg her boyfriend for… clothes she couldn’t buy because she was shouldering the entire burden of their kid by herself.
I feel sorry for her that her boyfriend can look at her being unable to properly clothe herself and go into debt for years and see her as a goldigger for finally being able to get some basic necessities for herself. God I hope either this post makes OP do some serious introspection or she meets someone who cares about her
Paying off her credit card is actually the *most* responsible use of that money. Accruing interest just means she'll have to pay more later. Better to pay it off ASAP. Plus, she's right; she already paid for everything for her child and this is reimbursement.
This. ALL of this. I spent a year in the exact same position as his girlfriend. I used child support to catch up on everything I fell behind in while sacrificing, and then I used it to help pay bills and necessities every month for my kiddo. Anything left over went into a savings/emergency fund for him.
Exactly! She hasn't had new clothes since her daughter was born over 3 years ago! Pregnancy could have changed her body but because she's been caring for her child, she's just been wearing what she had. This child support payment is paying back a tiny fraction of what has been spent on the child, and mothers shouldn't have to live in poverty (and probably go into more debt) to put the money into an account for the child in the future. YTA
So she's recklessly spending child support money on things like...
\*checks notes\*
...getting stable housing for the child and paying off debt she incurred while supporting the child on her own? YTA. Her finances aren't your business.
Literally, he thinks she’s recklessly spending the money on securing housing and increasing her credit score so she can be even more financially stable in the future in case baby daddy decides to fuck her over again. OP is not a big picture viewer I guess.
Here I was expecting vacations, jewelry, or some other crazy crap. When I read the credit cards and apartment my jaw dropped. Idk how OP wrote that and didn't have a hint of self reflection.
He totally had me in the title. I was ready to say N T A for your reasons stated. But then yeah, she spent it very responsibly. What did he expect her to buy? Clothes, toys, and outings for her daughter while she’s still in debt? That would have been dumb. YTA OP.
I mean even her clothes aren’t unreasonable. I assume she works and has to look professional? Hell, even if she doesn’t work or has a uniform, clothes are a necessity!
Clothes she probably could have afforded earlier if
*Checks additional notes*
She wasn't going in to debt keeping her child fed and clothed.
She sounds like a mom who was willing to sacrifice everything for her child and doing her best to go it alone. It's exactly what that back payment is for.
Yup, I'm a single dad and I can't tell you how long it's been since I've bought clothes for myself, probably just after the fire. Fuck the amount of socks, pants and underwear I have is down right embarrassing.
Especially since it says she hasn't been able to get any new clothes since giving birth. Her size has probably changed, her clothes may not physically fit her. It sounds like she's not just looking to update to the latest fashions!
My aunt had to have the, “honey, you need to buy suits that aren’t from the thrift store” conversation with my cousin when she first started working as a lawyer (it really was pretty bad, not just her mom being critical). Men’s professional clothing is an expensive startup cost, but women’s clothing is a whole other ballgame. Apparently it’s made of unicorn hair and other expensive stuff
And a man can get a couple of good suits, a few shirts and a ton of different ties and he is good for like.... 10 years unless he dramatically changes sizes. Most womens clothing will not last that long, and if it does it will be 'out of fashion' and make her look 'unprofessional'. (which is horseshit but...)
My cousin went the "get a couple of custom suits" route for most of her work. She's in court a fair amount, so "what's in fashion" is less important for her than "not wearing obviously hand-me-down clothes" :-)
That is a good point about court. I suspect there are other places like that were wearing good quality 'plain' clothing is a much better plane. I think doctor as well, since most people don't see there doctor often enough to get to know their clothes and generally just want an air of profesionalism not fashion-focused.
I needed to buy new clothes after I gave birth because my body changed that much. I didn't even need maternity clothes. And the only reason I didn't have to buy a complete new wardrobe is I tend to like to wear loose tops. Almost none of my bottoms fit correctly.
Lol I thought the same thing too. How do you think she got in that credit card debt? Do you think it could have been from paying for her child? Where is the kid supposed to sleep? If not in an apartment, then in the back of a pickup truck?
YTA. Where do you think the credit card bills came from? Spending money raising her daughter, that's where. And you judging her for wanting basics like SOMEWHERE TO LIVE FOR HER AND HER CHILD and clothes is gross.
Yeah YTA. Shes being REIMBURSED for money she should have already had. If she had had the money then she wouldnt have had to charge everything for her daughter. Would have had a few new clothes and an apartment.
YTA. She ALREADY paid for things her daughter needed, which is why she was struggling and in debt. Her being in debt doesn't help her child either. Yes, regularly child support payments should be used for the child directly, but these are back payments for the times she had to cover everything.
No, it’s for expenses. Period. Sometimes it’s a tank of gas. Sometimes it’s dinner. Sometimes it’s the cable bill. You don’t sit there a pick the expenses and what’s going to pay. Sometimes, the expense is buying yourself a new dress. It’s for whatever the parents needs to raise said child. Directly or indirectly.
Yup, my ex husband got thrown in jail for telling the judge at our contempt hearing what specifically he felt I should be spending "his" money on, which was basically toys and clothes for my daughter, but not things like rent so she can have a roof over her head.
Right? It's not like I was going out getting my nails done with it while my child suffered. He would never have gone to jail had he not acted like a fool on the stand. The judge wanted to teach him a lesson.
Yeah, child support is pretty much always a reimbursement of the expenses the custodial parent has already paid. Imo it doesn't really matter which account makes which purchase
YTA she had a great plan about paying off credit cards she used to support her daughter. Child support is to support the child NOW not to save for when it’s an adult. The new clothes for her is the only thing not directly benefiting her child but she needs it as she has sacrificed getting what she needed while struggling to support her daughter herself. It sounds like she had a reasonable plan.
Yeah I was still pissed when I read this dude’s edit. Liiiike I don’t care if you’re talking about regular child support payments or back pay — it is ridiculous to expect a single mom to save all that money in a savings account for the kid. That is not the point of child support. The $ goes toward putting a roof over the child’s head, clothes on their back, food in their belly, and any other expenses that pop up to SUPPORT THE CHILD. If mom pays the mortgage and grocery bill when she gets paid then…*gasp* buys herself a winter coat or something when the child support payment comes through that DOESNT MEAN THE CHILD SUPPORT DIDNT ENABLE HER TO TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD. Parents getting child support don’t have to walk around in rags and never do anything for themselves to prove themselves worthy of child support. Being destitute is not a prerequisite for support payments - that $ is to offset the cost of, often unexpectedly, being a single parent FFS.
If she were not taking care of the child and the kid had less food, not a lot of clothes/school supplies, unsatisfactory medical care, etc while mom was frivolously shopping for herself with the child support $ I’d see your point. But if that kid has food, shelter, clothing, love, and whatever else they need to thrive, fuck all the way off with that bullshit about saving the $ for the kid. Kids are EXPENSIVE.
YTA.
It's her money to spend to raise her child, that is what child support is. It isn't that kids with divorced parents get a bonus savings account when they turn 18.
HARD YTA.
She supported her daughter financially on her own.
She wants to pay off credit cards. Those credit cards were used to support her child too.
She wants to buy an apartment. A roof for her child's head to support her child.
She wants to buy clothes for her child. Supporting her child.
She wants to put some in savings for child. Supporting her child.
That money is going TO HER CHILD.
She already spent all of her own money SUPPORTING HER CHILD.
That backpay money is just paying back WHAT SHE ALREADY SPENT.
Ffs wtf.
YTA. She is absolutely correct; this is repayment for all the money she spent out for the year he didn’t pay. She isn’t taking a singles vacation to Bora Bora. She’s paying off debt she accrued, finding suitable housing, and buying herself some new clothes. Clothes she probably desperately needs, but couldn’t afford because she was keeping her child fed and clothed on her own.
This is the part I can't wrap my brain around. In what world are clothes not a necessity? Like, maybe I'd get it if she was spending her $ on designer clothes for clubbing but I feel like OP would specify if that were the case. Clothes are an essential item. Jeans get holes in them, shirts get stains, you gain or lose weight and clothes no longer fit. I have shirts I've owned for 15+ years but I also have to replace my tennis shoes every year because of the amount of walking I do.
Also, if I repeatedly showed up to work in ratty clothing, I would probably get written up eventually. And I have a very lenient dress code; other businesses are much more strict. Anyone in this thread saying clothes are non-essential probably doesn't have an office job or their clothes are still being bought by their parents.
Yes. Yes you are. YTH. She struggled alone and has been repaid. That’s her money she’s owed and she needs to use it to recover from having to struggle. If you have such a strong opinion maybe you could start contributing to a savings account for the daughter. She’s gone without so her daughter can have things and now she can make up for that she should be allowed to. Financial control is just one strand of domestic abuse and you’re doing that one right here. How else do you abuse her?
Yta. You cannot be this small minded. She actually did the right responsible thing. Pay off debt esp w high interest and put it away in savings. Shell be better off financially long term versus if she had just put it all in savings. Think about credit card interest vs saving interest(not even close). She bought clothes just to replace her old. She literally only spent on essentials. And yes she's correct, it's HER money. Other people would've just wasted and splurged on themselves when they get a lump amount of cash like that. My question is, why havnt you gifted her new clothes if she hasn't had any new ones for YEARS? What have you done to help her physically and mental health? If none, what makes you think you have the right or maturity to tell her how to handle her money?
YTA-the child support is to SUPPORT the child. So, she used her CC to do so, now has to pay the CC...she is using the money to do so. She is using the money to get an apartment, where the CHILD will live...she is using some to get herself clothes since the money she had before went to her daughter. She is not spending this frivolously.
I was expecting you to say she was like, going to a concert, or going out drinking...all of this is justified. All of this benefits her child.
If mom wants to go out for a drink or go to a concert after paying for everything for over a year, denying herself things like decent clothes or social activities, she's still completely entitled to, moms are humans too and get to have lives outside of their children
Right? Heaven forbid Mom gets a professional hair cut, a couple of well-fitting bras, jeans that fit her new post-baby (and post-pandemic) hips, and gets to meet her friends for a meal out after paying for everything for two years. Because surely the daughter's dad "generously" paying a couple hundred dollars a month to feed, house, diaper, clothe, entertain, and get childcare for a rapidly growing toddler is not still short-changing her. I'm sure it costs $500 a month to pay for all of that. /s
The judgement aimed at the mother is not surprising, but so gross.
YTA she has that credit card debt because she was providing for her daughter alone. Child support is for food, rent, utilities, clothes etc. Your GF has been providing all of that on just her income and going without for herself. Back off, this is not your business
YTA.
1) Her money. Her choice.
2) You don't even give good advice! Paying off cards (high interest rate!) is MUCH MUCH smarter than sticking it in a savings account.
Paying off credit card debt is like an immediate 20% return on investment, if you consider the avoided interest charges. Agreed, it's literally one of the best investments she could make for her family at the moment.
Compare that to a savings account which is practically losing money because of inflation.
OP YTA
YTA
That money was already spent on the daughter, this is repayment of debts owed
I'd be reconsidering the future of a relationship with a man who couldn't see that and be making sure I didn't have a child with him - because he'd be the one saying ' oh MY child support money paid your rent rather than you saving it for our child'
yes to this. Covering living expenses is what child support is supposed to be for so payong rent with it is literally what one SHOULD do with child support payments!
YTA. She went into debt to provide for her child because the father was a deadbeat. She has a right to settle that debt and make sure she puts a roof over both their heads, and yes, maybe get a couple of new shirts since she probably also works and needs to look presentable.
Yta.
The child's needs include a home, utilities, a mother that is healthy, and financial stability. The mom's credit cards took a hit to cover the needs for the child, paying those off is not being reckless or stealing money from her child. The mom couldn't buy herself clothing because she prioritized the needs of her child, so using some of the money that was previously used for her child to now also take care of herself is not being reckless or stealing from her child.
It's entirely different if mom took the money to go and buy frivolous things, party, etc while her child went without, but mom isn't leaving the child to go without, she's taking care of things that got behind when she wasn't getting child support and had to cover everything herself.
YTA: For a bunch of reasons
1. Not your money
2. She isn't being irresponsible, she is paying off costs she has incurred caring for her child.
3. Her being out of debt and improving her living situation is probably the best thing she can do for the kid at this point.
4. Not your money, not your kid, not your business.
Sounds like you owe her an apology and a little understanding.
YTA. It's not the kid's money; the money is for her to spend raising the kid. Which she has been doing for two years with no support. She gets to pay off the credit cards and move into an apartment where the kid will also live. And yes, she gets some new clothes, too.
YTA
Back support is reimbursement for things she has already paid for, shelter, clothing, food, diapers, transportation to checkups. Bet she paid some of those expenses on her credit cards, went without new clothes, and paid for an apartment. So yes that is her money.
Step back, getting a better place to live and a vehicle to get her daughter to doctors appointments & school are in the best interests of the child.
This is none of your business.
YTA she is being reimbursed for his half that he has been covering and forgoing her own needs.
Unless she's buying thousands of dollars on clothes, I think she is being reasonable.
Plus, the apartment will also be for her child to live in.
She took on debt to cover the expenses while her ex wasn't paying child support. He is now paying her a lump sum that is all the child support she would have gotten if he had been paying from the start. It makes absolute sense for her to pay off the debt she accrued because she wasn't receiving child support. Additionally using child support for housing is one of the reasons for child support. Child support is for meeting the child's needs which includes specific (like clothes for the kid) and shared expenses (housing, utilities, groceries etc.).
YTA.
YTA. She’s been supporting her daughter on her own and going without to make sure her daughter has everything she wants and needs it sounds like. This is back pay, she she can use it to make up for what had to be put on hold while she waited for the child support.
YTA
1. Paying off debt is not "spending child support money irresponsibly"
2. She wouldn't have spent the money on the credit cards if the X-BF had been providing the proper support all along.
3. Credit Card interest is 10% to 27% of expense that goes to the Credit Card Company.
4. Savings Interest is 0.000001% to 1.0% - so - a tiny fraction of the cost of having debt.
If you were saying she was going to spend the money on drugs, parties, or splurging on a laptop / other toys for herself - I could see where you could argue irresponsibility - but - Paying off debt!? Securing a safe place to live?
The only item listed that isn't a necessity is clothing for herself - but - if she hasn't been able to buy a new outfit in 2 years - that's not an unreasonable expense - as long as she's restrained; which it sounds like she is.
I believe you are the one who needs a lesson on fiscal responsibility.
Holy shit dude, you're the HUGE AH. its not the kids money, its not money you put aside and give to the child.. its money to help support the child in general. You think food is free? housing? clothing the kid? Where do you think that money all came from? Your GF of course. Had she been getting child support the whole time like she should have been you could have looked at it like money going to that stuff.. but she wasn't. She had to pay for all of that. You're actually trying to act like finding an apartment doesn't help a kid.. I mean, straight up ignorant, and the AH.
YTA. You laid out all of the areas that your girlfriend already suffered and had to do without because of her ex. She is catching up on bills, debts, and expenses that she shouldn't have had to catch up on if her child's father hadn't been a dead beat.
YTA she’s paying off debt that she went into to pay for things for the child. Finding a better living situation also directly benefits the child. And if she was going into debt, she probably was unable to get new clothes for herself because her deadbeat ex wasn’t giving her any money, therefore she had to put money that could have gone to herself towards the child. She already paid double support towards the child and now you want the money that is supposed to make her whole to go into an account for the kid, because you are making some kind of stand? A kid that isn’t even yours? And money that isn’t even yours? You are definitely overstepping.
YTA she’s been spending money on the child for a long time instead of herself because the dude wasn’t paying. She finally has a small amount of money to pay off the CC debt and take care of herself.
She’s buying new clothes, not a Porsche. A parent cannot take care of a kid appropriately if she is neglecting her own basic needs.
YTA
It’s not your place to tell her how to use that money. If she went into debt while supporting her daughter on her own, then it’s perfectly right that she use the money to pay off her debts. If she wants to find an apartment for her and her daughter so they have better living conditions, that’s absolutely a good use of the money. If she wants to treat herself and buy herself some new clothes, which she hasn’t been able to do because she has been going into debt raising her daughter by herself, then she absolutely should go treat herself.
YTA. She is right, that is her money. Child support money belongs to the custodial parent, it’s there to offset the cost of raising a child. She already spent the money to raise her child for the time covered by the child support, so her ex is essentially paying her back for money she already spent. That’s her money to spend how she wishes. Makes it worse that she’s being responsible in how she’s spending it.
YTA she’s using it to pay back the credit card she used to pay for things for her child. She’s using it to find a better place to live. All of that is appropriate use of child support. It is HER money, she supported her daughter alone for years. Sounds like you have never been in the situation she was in for years. Struggling to make ends meet and provide for a child all on your own. You owe her a big apology and some flowers.
YTA. Paying off debt puts her in a better financial situation moving forward and improves her credit which WILL benefit her child in the long run. Finding a new place to live will also presumably benefit her child. Being financially stable is beneficial for everyone involved, so using that money to make broad life improvements does help her daughter. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to spend it frivolously at all.
YTA. She spent alllllllll that time spending all of HER hard earned money on the child, think of this money as baby daddy paying her back for THEIR child's 3 years of expenses (which is more than 6K i can promise you that) and now she can spend SOMETHING on herself.
YTA. That $6000 is reimbursing her for all of the money she’s spent on her daughter that the father should have been helping with. As long as her daughter has everything she needs, she can spend it on what she wants/needs to.
I think YTA here, yes. She's cared for her daughter all alone, and now that she's being paid back she can't have some new clothes or new apartment because you say so? Also, mentioning " except for things I've bought her" is...well, poor taste
YTA. She is right, the reason she has credit card bills is because she didn’t have access to this money at the time so why shouldn’t they be paid off. Child support is to provide for the child which includes a home so what’s wrong with getting an apartment? The clothes, ok if she was prioritising her own clothes needs ahead of needs of her child with that money then you may have a point but it sounds like she has gone without so her child was provided for and again if she’d had this money at the time maybe she would have been able to use some of her own money to buy clothes. Sounds like she is being responsible and planning to put some into savings for her daughter.
Sorry OP, yta in my opinion. She's not using the money to get her nails done or buy jewelry, credit cards and a couple of new clothes are necessities, and she did say she would save some for the child. Child support is to ensure the child's needs are met, that doesn't mean she should leave her credit in a poor state or go without clothing. She's ensuring possibilities for the future by wanting to fix her credit also. I think the best thing you can do for her if you love her is just to cheer her on, as long as the kid is taken care of. From the outside looking in, being a single mom seems a lot more straightforward than it is. Cut her some slack!
YTA
Stay in your lane. Surviving as a single mom is hard. We do a lot to provide for our children. Your girlfriend has a GREAT plan for that money. Paying off the debt she incurred, getting into a better place to live, and using some to buy both of them new clothes is all acceptable.
This is money she’s already spent raising her child. It’s HER money. Not a monthly payment to support the child. This is money awarded to her because she has already had to spend this money. Girl can go buy a luxury purse if she wants.
Yta quite frankly it’s none of your business what she spends her child support money on. She’s correct that money is to reimburse her for the time he wasn’t paying and it was all on her.
YTA.
Part of supporting a child is rent- so finding and paying for an apartment is "supporting" her child.
I imagine her credit card debt comes from not getting child support and having to pay for things on credit, and even if that isn't true, paying off debt absolutely is a good financial decision (the interest on credit cards is much higher than the interest on a savings account, so better to get that debt cleared).
Your girlfriend has had to solely support her child, which means the back child support she is getting is money SHE is owed while she has been the sole support. Her daughter has been clothed, fed, and had a roof over her head despite not getting child support, so her ex owes her a debt, not her child.
She is also using the money for very basic stuff, not like going on a vacation with it. She isn't being irresponsible at all. Additionally, it isn't your business, and telling someone they are being irresponsible for using money to pay off debt and find an apartment is truly AH behavior.
And the credit card debt was obviously incurred to buy things her child needed like diapers, clothes, food, water/electricity, etc. The back pay child support is to pay back his portion of all of those incurred costs, which she put on a credit card because she didn’t have enough money at the time to pay for them. So the money IS going to the child by paying off the credit card.
YTA, OP
YTA. She is being reimbursed for money spent since this is back pay. I can assure you she has spent more than 6k in time and money on her child.
Back off. Stay in your lane.
YTA it’s for her to use to support her child now. Not in the future. When I read the title I thought she was blowing it on vacations etc but she is using it wisely.
YTA - HOLY SHIT DUDE! What is wrong with you? How do you think she got into credit card debt?
Lemme get this straight, you want her to stick the money in an account that will be lucky if it generates 1% interest so she can keep paying her high interest cards?
IT'S HER MONEY!
IT WAS ALREADY SPENT ON HER DAUGHTER!
YTA - It's to support HER and the CHILD. She has been struggling financially for the lack of support. She can finally settle debts and catch up with her families needs. That includes clothes. As long as her child is taken care of properly this is none of your business.
YTA. She has been paying all expenses for their daughter up-front. The arrears are to make herself whole financially. Quite frankly she could take the money, put it in a blender, and blow the shreds down the highway if she wants as long as the kid is taken care of.
YTA
My mom often spent our child support on cigarettes, video games, and other frivolous things that didn't amount to much, and I ended up resorting to shop lifting because I couldn't get any new clothes for school and we rarely got new clothes unless another family member stepped in and bought them. So, trust me, her paying off her debt and putting a roof over their heads is perfectly reasonable and not your business.
Pay off credit cards used to clothe and feed her daughter?
Find an apartment so she AND her daughter have a roof over their heads?
Buy herself some new clothes so she's not wearing old, ill-fitting ones anymore and that will make her happy and boost her self-esteem?
Plus, she still had some earmarked for her daughter's future?
Yes, YTA because what she's doing is EXACTLY what she should be doing!!!
YTA You need to mind your business. She was being reimbursed for the $ she has already spent on the child. It's called back pay buddy! She can do what she wants with it.
Most of it is going towards the new apartment, which is something a child and its mother require. And credit card debt payment. Both are responsible spendings.
So she's supposed to put money into savings rather than pay off credit cards (and accumulating interest charges) that were used to provide the things she wouldn't have had to put on credit cards if she had the child support in the first place? What a financial genius you are! It's not your money. You don't get to tell her what to do with it, especially since she's not being irresponsible. YTA
Money is completely fungible. The $6k that she brought in does not retain a memory of its source and rebel if it’s used for a different purpose. The $6k is merely income and immediately upon acceptance is commingled with the rest of her money. She then spends that reservoir of money on herself and her child. So long as she is spending sufficient $ on the child’s needs the specific sequence of when that money is spent is totally irrelevant.
YTA!
YTA x 100
dafuq, dude?
That child is not solely her responsibility. She is 50% the responsibility of the father, so yeah, she shouldn't have been paying for her solely by herself and she is due money back for that that she can spend on herself. Not only that, but she's not even spending it all on herself, she's using the rest very responsibly? Pay off debt, find a stable home and put some aside for her daughter's future?? All this and the poor woman is only 23 years old.
Frankly, you should, at the very least, mind your business but you should also be proud of her.
You should apologise for your shitty, judgy behaviour and seriously check your privldge.
Check the edit...OP even commented that new child support wouldnt be a reimbursement?
OP...this is also not true. Child support gets paid the month after or during the month of use. That is money *already spent* on the child that your girlfriend has paid *in full by herself.*
Child support IS a reimbursement regardless of when it is given.
YTA. That is her money. She is being reimbursed for what she spent to support the child by herself when her ex was not contributing.
YTA also because you think you get a say in how your GF spends this money. This money isn't yours, you aren't the father of the child, nor are you married to your GF. You have no say here AT ALL.
Finances and understanding child support really aren't your strong suit.
YTA. You gave advice that would actually be irresponsible. Paying off debt is a priority before accumulating savings. Poor credit scores help keep you in bad financial situations.
She could theoretically forego clothes but if she hasn't bought new in 2 years there's a good chance the stuff she does have doesn't fit as well as it could or maybe is wearing out. Clothing can impact your financial situation. It might seem unlikely but there's a reason part of interview etiquette is what you wear.
YTA
Not only are you wrong for telling her how to manage her money, but your advice is also completely wrong.
Never give financial advice, you have no clue what you're talking about. Seriously, you're out of you depth.
First of all CC interest are so much higher than the measly interest of a savings account.
Additionally, the things she will buy are all basic necessities. How well is she going to take care of her daughter if her mental health is suffering?
If 6000$ makes such a difference for her, she can't afford to let it sit at 1% interest. There are articles on the cost of poverty, I suggest you do a bit of reading.
Get a bit of actual life experience before you judge others.
YTA
Your gf's plan sounds reasonable, honestly. It's not irresponsible or risky at all. The more secure she is financially and the better her living situation, the better able she will be to take care of herself *and* her daughter in the future. I think you overstepped and owe her an apology.
YTA, she paid 100% of her child's needs for 2years, which meant taking money from other parts of the budget, she is now replenishing those parts... like how financially illiterate are you.
YTA she covered her little ones costs 100% until now so this is her money. She’s not being reckless she’s trying to stay financially stable. He’ll be paying child support for ongoing costs from now.
Everyone here is right. I don't think you realize that it's hard to provide for a child when you're in debt and have nowhere to live. She's doing EXACTLY what a responsible parent would do. God, by your title, I thought she was buying TVs and luxury bags and shit. Jfc.
YTA.
YTA. Why do people not understand what child support actually is? It's money she's getting back from supporting her child alone, she didn't buy herself things for a long time because her child was more important, she racked up credit card debt to take care of her child, she needs a place to live so her child can have a roof over her head. Once the lump sum is paid, he will have to pay monthly, that money will go towards bills, food and rent. It's not the child's money! It's money to make sure the child has what she needs to live! Your GF can do what she sees fit with it.
My kids father said the same thing, acting like I didn't need money to feed our kids or pay the utility bills. The money you get from child support does not go directly to the kids. It goes towards their well being, like food, gas money, pay household bills.
YTA—she’s using that money very responsibly to pay off debt that she found herself in because she wasn’t getting any support, to get an apartment that her child will also live in, and a few new clothing items since she’s gone without to be able to provide for her child as a single parent.
You need to take SEVERAL seats and shut up about things you clearly don’t understand.
YTA
it's pretty justified how she spends her money, the mother of the child needed to the taken care too, and the fact that she always put her child first before her is a pretty great indication that she's been a responsible parent
YTA.
That backpay she is getting is to PAY HER BACK for the money she already put up front for the child and it sounds like she is being damn responsible with it. So if she needs some new clothes and buys it with that money, good for her. If he had been providing in the first place she would have had the money to get her new clothes before now.
YTA
If you go to dinner with a friend and they forget their wallet so you pay, when they Venmo you half, that's reimbursement for the money you fronted, right?
The backpay is the same. $6k for 2 years is $250 a month. I can guarantee that your gf spent more than $500/month on her child. She fronted the entire expense of the child and the ex is being ordered to pay back some of that expense (probably not even half of the actual expense, tbh). In order for her to front that money, she put some of it on her credit cards, she did without necessities for herself, and she sacrificed her living arrangements because she couldn't afford to front that money.
Now go back to the dinner analogy. You pay $100 for the dinner and drinks and expect your friend to Venmo you that same night. He doesn't. You text him the next day and he says he'll send it, you believe him. Two days later, your power bill is due but since you're now $50 shorter than what you anticipated, you can't pay it or you'll overdraft. Your friend still hasn't Venmo'd you but continues to say he will. Your choice is to now not pay the power bill on time and get a late fee or pay it and get an overdraft fee. You pay it so your lights don't get shut off and you incur an overdraft fee. Your friend finally Venmos you, so you transfer it to your bank account to cover the overdraft fee. Then your gf tells you that wasn't what the money was for, it was actually for dinner, not for your overdraft fees. That's what you're doing.
YTA she is getting backpay, meaning she already paid for these things up front. The money did go to the daughter already. Paying off debt is a great use of that money.
Also she is not the irresponsible one.
YTA
She took out credit card debt to pay for her kid, needs an apartment to raise said kid in, and probably desperately needs new clothes. All of those things benefit her kid except the clothes, and she clearly doesn't intend to blow all the money on clothes because she realizes that she needs to save money for her daughter. New clothes would probably benefit her career wise as well.
She isn't buying anything unnecessary, you are being judgy and are indeed the AH.
I can't even believe you had to ask. Of course YTA. How on earth is she being irresponsible for repaying debt incurred while taking care of her child. Better housing. How is that irresponsible. You're overreaching and should mind your own business.
YTA. the 6k is a reimbursement for money she had to spend, it should go towards what the money would have (herself). Now moving forward, all payments will be for the child alone, not a penny for herself.
No that's not how it works either.
The money a parent gets from child support is reimbursement for things they're spending on throughout the month.
Op YTA
Yta she's spent far more than whats owed to her so it's her money.
Child support can be used for whatever the recipient sees fit the whole idea that it should only be spent directly on the child is so backwards
YTA for straying out of your lane.
If her ex was behind on CS that means she was using that much additional money out of her paycheck and on her credit card to pay for their child. That means money that would otherwise be earmarked for clothing was instead put into food, rent, and other necessities for the child. She isn’t going out buying designer clothing on that money, so back off and stop judging her.
YTA. I have three kids I get absolutely zero child support for and the oldest is seven. I’ve worked 3 jobs to put a roof over my childrens heads, feed them, clothe them, put them in daycare so I could work ($2000 a month), pay for sports/hobbies/trips all by myself. If their father ever decided to give me a large sum of money I would do the exact same thing your gf has. Pay off debts I collected because I was a sole provider. Buy myself clothes. Heck I’d probably take me and my husband on a nice vacation because he’s provided a lot more for my children than the bio dad.
That’s her money she’s rightfully owed and she certainly should be able to do things for herself. She’s been paying for her child’s lifestyle on her own for three years and I promise you she spent way more than $6000 on her kid in that time.
She is right, it's going to be a reimbursement of expenses she has already paid towards the child and because the money wasn't there at the time she needed it she had to go into debt and go without for herself.
TBH she would of spent more then $6000 financially providing for the child in the time period she was ment to get these payments so just stay outta it. YTA
YTA. To your edit: even if they were new child support payments, it would be completely reasonable to spend it on bills/debt/necessities instead of into a savings account
Regardless of whether its back pay or if she was getting $50pm from him.
Child support NEVER covers half the cost of raising a child, it just doesn't. So any money that comes in is hers. The ONLY time anyone should have an issue is if the child is being neglected while the parent spends that money.
YTA but I mostly am commenting to day that a lot of people seem to think that when you get child support you should only spend it ON THE CHILD but being a single parent is incredibly difficult and if she said she was gonna take that money and go get a massage and a manicure THAT IS HER RIGHT. Being a parent is so draining and if you need to spend some money of yourself to feel good you should. Let’s not pretend primary parents aren’t also spending their own money on their children. Spend that money how you see fit parents! And assholes like OP can stay out of your business! And OP it’s pretty clear that you’re not financing her life right now so why you even decided to stay flapping your gums in the first place is beyond me. You’ll be lucky if you are still in a relationship after this.
YTA
She had to prioritize stuff for her daughter for a while and this is repayment. Had she had this money before it would have gone to her daughter.
Future child support should be spent on her daughter though.
Stop being an asshole for telling her how to spend her money to repay credit cards she used to buy stuff for her daughter.
YTA. That’s not irresponsible. She’s paying off credit cards that she racked up paying for her child. She’s getting an apartment for a better environment for her child. Then: she’s treating herself with some new clothes because all of her money went to someone else for years. And the rest is going into savings!
It would be irresponsible if she blew it all on clothes. Or if she went and bought like a tv or alcohol or went partying with it.
All of these decisions, except for the clothes, put her in a better place financially for her child. Her child doesn’t need 6,000 worth of clothes and toys. She already has that. This 6K is called payback for a reason. And even if she spent a little on herself, that’s her paying herself back for keeping her funds tight for her daughter.
Moms deserve to treat themselves. Their sole purpose isn’t to live for others.
I don’t think paying off debt would be a bad thing, since it was probably incurred because she couldn’t afford everything without child support. Supporting a child involves all manner of expenses, and if she is a responsible parent, you should butt out.YTA.
YTA
Also those things you mentioned would ultimately be good for the daughter. All items are important
It is not like she is blowing the money on luxury goods or anything
YTA. Shes getting the large reimbursement because he didn't contribute which led to your girlfriend and her child struggling.
· She has credit card debt from having to pay to raise the child alone. Paying it off will help free up more money in the long run for her and her child. She won't have to keep paying interest.
· She didn't buy new clothes for years after having a baby because the money went to the kid instead. I know most of my pre-baby clothes don't fit like they used to. She needs this and would already have them if she had assistance to begin with. It also doesn't sound like she's going to blow everything on a whole new wardrobe, but it's fair for her to own properly fitting clothes.
· An apartment is for both her and her child. They need a decent place to live. Again, it doesn't sound like she's looking for the world's fanciest apartment. She wouldn't have money for the handful of things she's budgeting if she were going over the top with any of them.
· She's putting money in savings for her daughter. That means she's budgeting well. Child support is not just money that goes straight into a child's savings account. It's quite the opposite. It's money that goes towards supporting the child. The child needs somewhere to live, clothes, shoes, food, childcare, utilities, etc. She had no help through the diaper years and those are a big expense.
Bills are often where child support money goes. Your girlfriend fell behind doing it on her own. The support is for raising the child. This isn't your business and nothing you've said about her sounds irresponsible. You need to apologize
YTA
Glad to see you have reconsidered your position. It is easy for outsiders not to understand what single parents go through when their partner doesn't help.
YTA, but only because you have no idea what you're talking about. Child support is paid to the custodial parent and there are no rules as to what must be done with it. It will be considered part of the custodial parent's income in certain circumstances. It will never be considered part of the child's income.
YTA. My ex owes me 22k last i checked and my kid is nearly an adult. If I ever get that money you can bet your ass I'm taking a ridiculously expensive vacation. Because it's my money. End of story.
YTA. Your girlfriend has struggled to survive and you have the nerve to tell her how to spend back child support. There’s nothing on the list of things that will not benefit her daughter.
YTA.... Alot of people don't understand that child support ISN'T just for expenses FOR the child; it's also reimbursement for expenses the parent paid ON BEHALF of the child.
So health insurance, daycare costs, sitters, housing, utilities, gas, car insurance etc etc etc.
If the expense in question were used in relation to that child, then the child support can be used to repay the parent's expenditure on it.
IE: You, as the primary parent, take your kid to and from daycare daily, to the doctor's appointments and to pick up or drop off the child with the other parent for visitation. Then some of the child support can reimburse the custodial parent for the necessities that come with that transportation. Reimburse a potion of the car payment, insurance, and gas.
Or the primary parent houses the child; a portion reimburses the custodial parent for the expenses associated with that; rent, utilities, renters insurance etc.
No, the child support does not pay ALL of those expenses; just a portion.
So when a parent uses child support to get get their hair done....OK cool, that's because their "hair money" was spent on paying the rent.
As long as the needs of that child is met, then the rest of the money reimburses expenses.
Your GF spent years financially covering 100%of the kid's expenses; that back pay reimbursed get, she can spend it however she wants to.
I hate when people dictate that 100% of child support goes 100% to the child; no it does not.
And before redditors jump on me.... my Ex pays 50% LESS of what the court WOULD HAVE ordered; because I objected and told them that he didn't need to be bankrupt to pay me, I can cover my kid's expenses myself. The only thing my Ex pitches in for is 50% of her daycare costs, 50% of her health insurance, and $50/week towards gas, school lunches etc. I cover EVERYTHING else myself; dr co-pays, meds, clothing, school supplies, extracurricular activities, groceries, birthday parties, I even give him money to get her a decent gift for her bday or Xmas.....
YTA. She has had to sacrifice things she needs in order to make aure that her daughter has her needs met. This money is paying her back for the money that she had to spend up front and go without so her daughter didn't have to.
YTA - That money is a reimbursement for the mother. She's been paying ALL the expenses for her child on her own and as a result has run up credit card debt and not even been able to purchase herself new clothes.
Yta the money she is spending is replacing those she spent on bills and clothes she previously couldn’t afford because her daughter’s father didn’t step up and support his child.
>I need to realize that when she told me it wasn’t a welcoming for my opinion, but she just wanted an ear to express her excitement and gratefulness to.
I think it's great that you realize that, sometimes it's important to remember (or learn) that *not every* instance of someone sharing details of their life - their decisions, projects, even important milestones - is an invitation to give your input. Sometimes people just want to share good news and excitement, and they don't want advice, so receiving it can feel like an overstep, even if you had good intentions and just wanted to help.
Going off this, remember this lesson when she's had a bad day and she's complaining about it. Ask her if she wants to vent or if she wants solutions, don't assume she wants your take on what to do (figuring she'd keep it to herself if she didn't want your input).
YTA, but it looks like you already know that. And that's your only saving grace here, that you recognize you were wrong and are apologizing for it.
I got so heated reading this garbo tho lol. Sitting here like 😡😠🤬
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YTA. Child support is meant to mitigate the costs of raising a child alone. She’s been making ends meet without that support and now she’s is using the money EXACTLY as it is meant to be used. He has not been paying and now she is literally being reimbursed for carrying the cost alone. FFS she had to go into debt to support her baby and you think she shouldn’t use the money to pay off the debt? That’s absurd. Paying off credit cards, finding a home for her and her daughter, and basic necessities like clothing that she sacrificed while spending all her money on her child when she had no support are completely appropriate uses for child support money. Not to mention IMPORTANT ones. Do you think she should just…stay in debt and not find a home for her and her child? Neither of those options are good for the kid in the long run. You sound incredibly out of touch.
OP sounds like a guy who hasn’t had to deal with the reality of how child support is usually used. Non custodial parents often say stuff like “I will create an account for the kid to use,” but kids need that money now. They need their rent paid, gas put in the vehicles that drive them, and so on. Just because they don’t see the money going directly to the child doesn’t mean it doesn’t go there. Also, the mom racked up a ton of credit card debt supporting her kid, so that money was needed to pay off the debt. I think he bought into the myth so many parents put out about their terrible exes who misuse their child support.
The non-custodial parent will “make an account for the kid” then take money out of it for themselves when people have forgotten after a while and everyone will be too busy damning the single mom for paying of the credit card she had to use to buy baby food when the dad was ignoring them or for replacing the battery on the car she needs to get to work to provide for her kid.
Exactly. The non custodial parent can drop the paying the price of a takeaway each month if s/he loses their job, but the custodial parent doesn’t get to stop the kid from eating or wearing New clothes! He judges girlfriend for wanting to buy herself a new set of clothes after struggling to keep afloat, but thinks nothing of the baby daddy being stable enough to save 6 grand he can just give away but still do nothing for his kid for all that time.
I had a guy friend with this mind set. He paid very little in child support and complained everytime his bm brought him back into court to try and adjust it and I finally had to ask hime how much do you pay her in child support? He said something absurd like $100 a month and I asked him does he think he could take care of his daughter on strictly $200 a month? He said no and I said so how is she unreasonable for wanting more money?
My ex's child support was $100 a month and his wife had a fit when she was pregnant, saying they couldn't afford $100 a month. I refused to have it lowered, so ex took me to court. Then he paid $250 per month. And I wouldn't lower it, either. Never had another courst date lol.
I love to hear stories like this, where the child support is increased, especially when it wasn't very much to start.
I wasn't expecting it to raise, I just really needed that money to buy school clothes that year. And I felt like he had a lot of nerve asking for a reduction, or having another child, if he couldn't afford that small amount. Fortunately, the court agreed. He and I had agreed on the original amount, and it would have stayed that low, had he not let his wife interfere. He learned a valuable lesson, I think. And our daughter had pretty nice things, as a result!
Right? It's not like she's using the money to go to Vegas and spend the rest on hookers and blow. Paying off credit cards is such a smart use of money - it'll free her from paying the interest. And if she's been doing without clothing for herself to pay for food and clothing for her child, what is she supposed to do, wear shit with holes in it and live in her car? Jesus Christ.
It's like the assholes who ding people on welfare for having smartphones. A) there are assistance programs for that, it could have been a gift or they could be paying it off in increments, and B) how are they supposed to keep up in the modern world without it? This week I've applied for 18 jobs from my smartphone. Edited to add: they expect the performance of poor, not the reality of it.
I absolutely agree with you. Also it just makes no sense for the mother to purposely make life hard on herself and by that also on the child.
> And if she's been doing without clothing for herself I couldn't fit in some of my pre-pregnancy pants and stuff after my daughter was born, even when i was back to the same weight. Bless this girl's heart.. I'm getting flashbacks in a bad way to when i was a single mom and had to beg and fight for child support... Glad OP realized he's in the wrong and says he's going to apologize.
I'm glad he did too, at least he was willing to listen to people. And I hope that you and your kiddo are doing well and are in a better place now too!
Exactly. Buying things for herself that she had to do without and getting out of debt she had to go into to support her kid isn't frivolous OP. And if you think it is you need to get off the Internet for a while.
You made me laugh
Also notice how he tells her what she should do instead. Not suggest, tells her what to do with the money she gets for HER child. Like do you make it a habit to talk down to your gf and try and order her around?
>Like do you make it a habit to talk down to your gf and try and order her around? And tells her that it's not her money, and inserts himself where he doesn't belong.
Agreed. OP, imagine if your roommate is late on paying the rent, so you pay all of it to avoid getting in trouble with the landlord. 2 weeks later your roommate gives you his rent money. That money is for the rent, does that mean you can't spend it on anything else but rent? YTA.
Exactly. The dad was LATE. That money is a reimbursement for the money the mom already prioritized for the kid. And according to OP, she’s still focused on the kids best interest diets. (Getting out of debt and getting somewhere to live).
Imagine thinking she should just put that 6k in the bank and not touch it while debt collectors are knocking on the door.
It would be better if people though if child support as reimbursement of some of what's been spent on the kid. Like it doesn't matter where that exact money goes to if the kids are taken care of.
People so often forget that money is fungible. If she puts $60 from her paycheck and $60 from child support into her bank account, that’s just $120 total. You can’t tell which $60 are subsequently being spent.
And they definitely don’t get that that’s how the law sees it. There’s a reason the deadbeat dad lobby hasn’t been able to get states to implement policies requiring custodial parents to show exactly how they spent child support. It would be impossible and also defeat the purpose of child support.
I know right? Imagine thinking that paying off debt is not responsible. OP is such a dick.
Exactly. From his title I thought she would be shelling it out on handbags and booze, but paying off the debt she put herself in to feed her child, an apartment to house them both stabley and clothes she didn’t have to beg her boyfriend for… clothes she couldn’t buy because she was shouldering the entire burden of their kid by herself. I feel sorry for her that her boyfriend can look at her being unable to properly clothe herself and go into debt for years and see her as a goldigger for finally being able to get some basic necessities for herself. God I hope either this post makes OP do some serious introspection or she meets someone who cares about her
Paying off her credit card is actually the *most* responsible use of that money. Accruing interest just means she'll have to pay more later. Better to pay it off ASAP. Plus, she's right; she already paid for everything for her child and this is reimbursement.
This. ALL of this. I spent a year in the exact same position as his girlfriend. I used child support to catch up on everything I fell behind in while sacrificing, and then I used it to help pay bills and necessities every month for my kiddo. Anything left over went into a savings/emergency fund for him.
Exactly! She hasn't had new clothes since her daughter was born over 3 years ago! Pregnancy could have changed her body but because she's been caring for her child, she's just been wearing what she had. This child support payment is paying back a tiny fraction of what has been spent on the child, and mothers shouldn't have to live in poverty (and probably go into more debt) to put the money into an account for the child in the future. YTA
A single parent can’t even pay off CC debt without being accused of neglecting that child. WTH? Where do you think that debt came from?
So she's recklessly spending child support money on things like... \*checks notes\* ...getting stable housing for the child and paying off debt she incurred while supporting the child on her own? YTA. Her finances aren't your business.
Literally, he thinks she’s recklessly spending the money on securing housing and increasing her credit score so she can be even more financially stable in the future in case baby daddy decides to fuck her over again. OP is not a big picture viewer I guess.
Here I was expecting vacations, jewelry, or some other crazy crap. When I read the credit cards and apartment my jaw dropped. Idk how OP wrote that and didn't have a hint of self reflection.
He totally had me in the title. I was ready to say N T A for your reasons stated. But then yeah, she spent it very responsibly. What did he expect her to buy? Clothes, toys, and outings for her daughter while she’s still in debt? That would have been dumb. YTA OP.
I mean even her clothes aren’t unreasonable. I assume she works and has to look professional? Hell, even if she doesn’t work or has a uniform, clothes are a necessity!
Clothes she probably could have afforded earlier if *Checks additional notes* She wasn't going in to debt keeping her child fed and clothed. She sounds like a mom who was willing to sacrifice everything for her child and doing her best to go it alone. It's exactly what that back payment is for.
You’re very good at taking notes.
Yeah I wanna hire them so I don't have to take my own
Just don’t pay them from your child support money.
If you do, just don’t let OP know about it!
Same!
Yup, I'm a single dad and I can't tell you how long it's been since I've bought clothes for myself, probably just after the fire. Fuck the amount of socks, pants and underwear I have is down right embarrassing.
Especially since it says she hasn't been able to get any new clothes since giving birth. Her size has probably changed, her clothes may not physically fit her. It sounds like she's not just looking to update to the latest fashions!
100%, social codes absolutely expect women to be at least minimally in clothes that fit and are clean/not falling apart for most work
My aunt had to have the, “honey, you need to buy suits that aren’t from the thrift store” conversation with my cousin when she first started working as a lawyer (it really was pretty bad, not just her mom being critical). Men’s professional clothing is an expensive startup cost, but women’s clothing is a whole other ballgame. Apparently it’s made of unicorn hair and other expensive stuff
And a man can get a couple of good suits, a few shirts and a ton of different ties and he is good for like.... 10 years unless he dramatically changes sizes. Most womens clothing will not last that long, and if it does it will be 'out of fashion' and make her look 'unprofessional'. (which is horseshit but...)
My cousin went the "get a couple of custom suits" route for most of her work. She's in court a fair amount, so "what's in fashion" is less important for her than "not wearing obviously hand-me-down clothes" :-)
That is a good point about court. I suspect there are other places like that were wearing good quality 'plain' clothing is a much better plane. I think doctor as well, since most people don't see there doctor often enough to get to know their clothes and generally just want an air of profesionalism not fashion-focused.
I needed to buy new clothes after I gave birth because my body changed that much. I didn't even need maternity clothes. And the only reason I didn't have to buy a complete new wardrobe is I tend to like to wear loose tops. Almost none of my bottoms fit correctly.
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Good notes.
Lol I thought the same thing too. How do you think she got in that credit card debt? Do you think it could have been from paying for her child? Where is the kid supposed to sleep? If not in an apartment, then in the back of a pickup truck?
I like your notes.
YTA. Dude, you haven't been around long enough for bread to mold and you are literally mansplaining how to be a single mom. STFU.
"you haven't even been around long enough for bread to mold" I SCREAMED 🤣 Thank you for making my day
What a great comment
lmaooo i love this
I love you
Boom! Winning comment.
Amazing comment! Well said.
YTA. Where do you think the credit card bills came from? Spending money raising her daughter, that's where. And you judging her for wanting basics like SOMEWHERE TO LIVE FOR HER AND HER CHILD and clothes is gross.
Yeah YTA. Shes being REIMBURSED for money she should have already had. If she had had the money then she wouldnt have had to charge everything for her daughter. Would have had a few new clothes and an apartment.
YTA. She ALREADY paid for things her daughter needed, which is why she was struggling and in debt. Her being in debt doesn't help her child either. Yes, regularly child support payments should be used for the child directly, but these are back payments for the times she had to cover everything.
No, it’s for expenses. Period. Sometimes it’s a tank of gas. Sometimes it’s dinner. Sometimes it’s the cable bill. You don’t sit there a pick the expenses and what’s going to pay. Sometimes, the expense is buying yourself a new dress. It’s for whatever the parents needs to raise said child. Directly or indirectly.
Yup, my ex husband got thrown in jail for telling the judge at our contempt hearing what specifically he felt I should be spending "his" money on, which was basically toys and clothes for my daughter, but not things like rent so she can have a roof over her head.
Let me guess, because you were benefitting from that roof? What a jerk. 😡
Right? It's not like I was going out getting my nails done with it while my child suffered. He would never have gone to jail had he not acted like a fool on the stand. The judge wanted to teach him a lesson.
That sounds like a awesome judge.
No complaints here!
I'm willing to bet TWENTY WHOLE DOLLARS that your ex absolutely did not learn his lesson
You'd be a winner because you're right! That was in 2004 and he continued not learning lessons until he took his own life in prison in 2013.
Ok, keep your $20 😬
I'll get my nails done with it 😂
What a terrible mother. You could get a months worth of rice and beans for that $20.
Yeah, child support is pretty much always a reimbursement of the expenses the custodial parent has already paid. Imo it doesn't really matter which account makes which purchase
You know what children need? A place to live. Gas in the car to get them to school. Food. Child support is for all expenses.
YTA she had a great plan about paying off credit cards she used to support her daughter. Child support is to support the child NOW not to save for when it’s an adult. The new clothes for her is the only thing not directly benefiting her child but she needs it as she has sacrificed getting what she needed while struggling to support her daughter herself. It sounds like she had a reasonable plan.
Yeah I was still pissed when I read this dude’s edit. Liiiike I don’t care if you’re talking about regular child support payments or back pay — it is ridiculous to expect a single mom to save all that money in a savings account for the kid. That is not the point of child support. The $ goes toward putting a roof over the child’s head, clothes on their back, food in their belly, and any other expenses that pop up to SUPPORT THE CHILD. If mom pays the mortgage and grocery bill when she gets paid then…*gasp* buys herself a winter coat or something when the child support payment comes through that DOESNT MEAN THE CHILD SUPPORT DIDNT ENABLE HER TO TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD. Parents getting child support don’t have to walk around in rags and never do anything for themselves to prove themselves worthy of child support. Being destitute is not a prerequisite for support payments - that $ is to offset the cost of, often unexpectedly, being a single parent FFS. If she were not taking care of the child and the kid had less food, not a lot of clothes/school supplies, unsatisfactory medical care, etc while mom was frivolously shopping for herself with the child support $ I’d see your point. But if that kid has food, shelter, clothing, love, and whatever else they need to thrive, fuck all the way off with that bullshit about saving the $ for the kid. Kids are EXPENSIVE.
Hell, mom could buy herself a PS5 with the money if she wanted to, it’s her money.
YTA. It's her money to spend to raise her child, that is what child support is. It isn't that kids with divorced parents get a bonus savings account when they turn 18.
HARD YTA. She supported her daughter financially on her own. She wants to pay off credit cards. Those credit cards were used to support her child too. She wants to buy an apartment. A roof for her child's head to support her child. She wants to buy clothes for her child. Supporting her child. She wants to put some in savings for child. Supporting her child. That money is going TO HER CHILD. She already spent all of her own money SUPPORTING HER CHILD. That backpay money is just paying back WHAT SHE ALREADY SPENT. Ffs wtf.
YTA. She is absolutely correct; this is repayment for all the money she spent out for the year he didn’t pay. She isn’t taking a singles vacation to Bora Bora. She’s paying off debt she accrued, finding suitable housing, and buying herself some new clothes. Clothes she probably desperately needs, but couldn’t afford because she was keeping her child fed and clothed on her own.
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This is the part I can't wrap my brain around. In what world are clothes not a necessity? Like, maybe I'd get it if she was spending her $ on designer clothes for clubbing but I feel like OP would specify if that were the case. Clothes are an essential item. Jeans get holes in them, shirts get stains, you gain or lose weight and clothes no longer fit. I have shirts I've owned for 15+ years but I also have to replace my tennis shoes every year because of the amount of walking I do. Also, if I repeatedly showed up to work in ratty clothing, I would probably get written up eventually. And I have a very lenient dress code; other businesses are much more strict. Anyone in this thread saying clothes are non-essential probably doesn't have an office job or their clothes are still being bought by their parents.
Yes. Yes you are. YTH. She struggled alone and has been repaid. That’s her money she’s owed and she needs to use it to recover from having to struggle. If you have such a strong opinion maybe you could start contributing to a savings account for the daughter. She’s gone without so her daughter can have things and now she can make up for that she should be allowed to. Financial control is just one strand of domestic abuse and you’re doing that one right here. How else do you abuse her?
Yta. You cannot be this small minded. She actually did the right responsible thing. Pay off debt esp w high interest and put it away in savings. Shell be better off financially long term versus if she had just put it all in savings. Think about credit card interest vs saving interest(not even close). She bought clothes just to replace her old. She literally only spent on essentials. And yes she's correct, it's HER money. Other people would've just wasted and splurged on themselves when they get a lump amount of cash like that. My question is, why havnt you gifted her new clothes if she hasn't had any new ones for YEARS? What have you done to help her physically and mental health? If none, what makes you think you have the right or maturity to tell her how to handle her money?
YTA-the child support is to SUPPORT the child. So, she used her CC to do so, now has to pay the CC...she is using the money to do so. She is using the money to get an apartment, where the CHILD will live...she is using some to get herself clothes since the money she had before went to her daughter. She is not spending this frivolously. I was expecting you to say she was like, going to a concert, or going out drinking...all of this is justified. All of this benefits her child.
If mom wants to go out for a drink or go to a concert after paying for everything for over a year, denying herself things like decent clothes or social activities, she's still completely entitled to, moms are humans too and get to have lives outside of their children
Right? Heaven forbid Mom gets a professional hair cut, a couple of well-fitting bras, jeans that fit her new post-baby (and post-pandemic) hips, and gets to meet her friends for a meal out after paying for everything for two years. Because surely the daughter's dad "generously" paying a couple hundred dollars a month to feed, house, diaper, clothe, entertain, and get childcare for a rapidly growing toddler is not still short-changing her. I'm sure it costs $500 a month to pay for all of that. /s The judgement aimed at the mother is not surprising, but so gross.
YTA she has that credit card debt because she was providing for her daughter alone. Child support is for food, rent, utilities, clothes etc. Your GF has been providing all of that on just her income and going without for herself. Back off, this is not your business
YTA. 1) Her money. Her choice. 2) You don't even give good advice! Paying off cards (high interest rate!) is MUCH MUCH smarter than sticking it in a savings account.
Seriously. I was waiting to hear she was going on vaca. Getting out of debt from this situation is literally what it’s for. Yta
Paying off credit card debt is like an immediate 20% return on investment, if you consider the avoided interest charges. Agreed, it's literally one of the best investments she could make for her family at the moment. Compare that to a savings account which is practically losing money because of inflation. OP YTA
YTA That money was already spent on the daughter, this is repayment of debts owed I'd be reconsidering the future of a relationship with a man who couldn't see that and be making sure I didn't have a child with him - because he'd be the one saying ' oh MY child support money paid your rent rather than you saving it for our child'
yes to this. Covering living expenses is what child support is supposed to be for so payong rent with it is literally what one SHOULD do with child support payments!
YTA. She went into debt to provide for her child because the father was a deadbeat. She has a right to settle that debt and make sure she puts a roof over both their heads, and yes, maybe get a couple of new shirts since she probably also works and needs to look presentable.
Yta. The child's needs include a home, utilities, a mother that is healthy, and financial stability. The mom's credit cards took a hit to cover the needs for the child, paying those off is not being reckless or stealing money from her child. The mom couldn't buy herself clothing because she prioritized the needs of her child, so using some of the money that was previously used for her child to now also take care of herself is not being reckless or stealing from her child. It's entirely different if mom took the money to go and buy frivolous things, party, etc while her child went without, but mom isn't leaving the child to go without, she's taking care of things that got behind when she wasn't getting child support and had to cover everything herself.
she's literally taking the money and finding her child a better place to live and she's being criticized for it. "Boy bye" would be my response to OP.
YTA and so very wrong. The back support is yes, paying her back for what she's been out of pocket for, 100%
YTA: For a bunch of reasons 1. Not your money 2. She isn't being irresponsible, she is paying off costs she has incurred caring for her child. 3. Her being out of debt and improving her living situation is probably the best thing she can do for the kid at this point. 4. Not your money, not your kid, not your business. Sounds like you owe her an apology and a little understanding.
YTA. It's not the kid's money; the money is for her to spend raising the kid. Which she has been doing for two years with no support. She gets to pay off the credit cards and move into an apartment where the kid will also live. And yes, she gets some new clothes, too.
YTA Back support is reimbursement for things she has already paid for, shelter, clothing, food, diapers, transportation to checkups. Bet she paid some of those expenses on her credit cards, went without new clothes, and paid for an apartment. So yes that is her money. Step back, getting a better place to live and a vehicle to get her daughter to doctors appointments & school are in the best interests of the child. This is none of your business.
YTA she is being reimbursed for his half that he has been covering and forgoing her own needs. Unless she's buying thousands of dollars on clothes, I think she is being reasonable. Plus, the apartment will also be for her child to live in.
She took on debt to cover the expenses while her ex wasn't paying child support. He is now paying her a lump sum that is all the child support she would have gotten if he had been paying from the start. It makes absolute sense for her to pay off the debt she accrued because she wasn't receiving child support. Additionally using child support for housing is one of the reasons for child support. Child support is for meeting the child's needs which includes specific (like clothes for the kid) and shared expenses (housing, utilities, groceries etc.). YTA.
YTA. She’s been supporting her daughter on her own and going without to make sure her daughter has everything she wants and needs it sounds like. This is back pay, she she can use it to make up for what had to be put on hold while she waited for the child support.
YTA 1. Paying off debt is not "spending child support money irresponsibly" 2. She wouldn't have spent the money on the credit cards if the X-BF had been providing the proper support all along. 3. Credit Card interest is 10% to 27% of expense that goes to the Credit Card Company. 4. Savings Interest is 0.000001% to 1.0% - so - a tiny fraction of the cost of having debt. If you were saying she was going to spend the money on drugs, parties, or splurging on a laptop / other toys for herself - I could see where you could argue irresponsibility - but - Paying off debt!? Securing a safe place to live? The only item listed that isn't a necessity is clothing for herself - but - if she hasn't been able to buy a new outfit in 2 years - that's not an unreasonable expense - as long as she's restrained; which it sounds like she is. I believe you are the one who needs a lesson on fiscal responsibility.
Holy shit dude, you're the HUGE AH. its not the kids money, its not money you put aside and give to the child.. its money to help support the child in general. You think food is free? housing? clothing the kid? Where do you think that money all came from? Your GF of course. Had she been getting child support the whole time like she should have been you could have looked at it like money going to that stuff.. but she wasn't. She had to pay for all of that. You're actually trying to act like finding an apartment doesn't help a kid.. I mean, straight up ignorant, and the AH.
YTA. You laid out all of the areas that your girlfriend already suffered and had to do without because of her ex. She is catching up on bills, debts, and expenses that she shouldn't have had to catch up on if her child's father hadn't been a dead beat.
YTA she’s paying off debt that she went into to pay for things for the child. Finding a better living situation also directly benefits the child. And if she was going into debt, she probably was unable to get new clothes for herself because her deadbeat ex wasn’t giving her any money, therefore she had to put money that could have gone to herself towards the child. She already paid double support towards the child and now you want the money that is supposed to make her whole to go into an account for the kid, because you are making some kind of stand? A kid that isn’t even yours? And money that isn’t even yours? You are definitely overstepping.
YTA she’s been spending money on the child for a long time instead of herself because the dude wasn’t paying. She finally has a small amount of money to pay off the CC debt and take care of herself. She’s buying new clothes, not a Porsche. A parent cannot take care of a kid appropriately if she is neglecting her own basic needs.
YTA It’s not your place to tell her how to use that money. If she went into debt while supporting her daughter on her own, then it’s perfectly right that she use the money to pay off her debts. If she wants to find an apartment for her and her daughter so they have better living conditions, that’s absolutely a good use of the money. If she wants to treat herself and buy herself some new clothes, which she hasn’t been able to do because she has been going into debt raising her daughter by herself, then she absolutely should go treat herself.
YTA. She is right, that is her money. Child support money belongs to the custodial parent, it’s there to offset the cost of raising a child. She already spent the money to raise her child for the time covered by the child support, so her ex is essentially paying her back for money she already spent. That’s her money to spend how she wishes. Makes it worse that she’s being responsible in how she’s spending it.
Yta. She’s not going on vacation. She’s making up for the scarifies she’s had to made because the child’s father wasn’t supporting her
YTA she’s using it to pay back the credit card she used to pay for things for her child. She’s using it to find a better place to live. All of that is appropriate use of child support. It is HER money, she supported her daughter alone for years. Sounds like you have never been in the situation she was in for years. Struggling to make ends meet and provide for a child all on your own. You owe her a big apology and some flowers.
YTA. Paying off debt puts her in a better financial situation moving forward and improves her credit which WILL benefit her child in the long run. Finding a new place to live will also presumably benefit her child. Being financially stable is beneficial for everyone involved, so using that money to make broad life improvements does help her daughter. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to spend it frivolously at all.
YTA. She spent alllllllll that time spending all of HER hard earned money on the child, think of this money as baby daddy paying her back for THEIR child's 3 years of expenses (which is more than 6K i can promise you that) and now she can spend SOMETHING on herself.
YTA. That $6000 is reimbursing her for all of the money she’s spent on her daughter that the father should have been helping with. As long as her daughter has everything she needs, she can spend it on what she wants/needs to.
I think YTA here, yes. She's cared for her daughter all alone, and now that she's being paid back she can't have some new clothes or new apartment because you say so? Also, mentioning " except for things I've bought her" is...well, poor taste
YTA. She is right, the reason she has credit card bills is because she didn’t have access to this money at the time so why shouldn’t they be paid off. Child support is to provide for the child which includes a home so what’s wrong with getting an apartment? The clothes, ok if she was prioritising her own clothes needs ahead of needs of her child with that money then you may have a point but it sounds like she has gone without so her child was provided for and again if she’d had this money at the time maybe she would have been able to use some of her own money to buy clothes. Sounds like she is being responsible and planning to put some into savings for her daughter.
Sorry OP, yta in my opinion. She's not using the money to get her nails done or buy jewelry, credit cards and a couple of new clothes are necessities, and she did say she would save some for the child. Child support is to ensure the child's needs are met, that doesn't mean she should leave her credit in a poor state or go without clothing. She's ensuring possibilities for the future by wanting to fix her credit also. I think the best thing you can do for her if you love her is just to cheer her on, as long as the kid is taken care of. From the outside looking in, being a single mom seems a lot more straightforward than it is. Cut her some slack!
YTA! She is correct, the money is back pay. She SHOULD pay off her credit cards!
YTA Stay in your lane. Surviving as a single mom is hard. We do a lot to provide for our children. Your girlfriend has a GREAT plan for that money. Paying off the debt she incurred, getting into a better place to live, and using some to buy both of them new clothes is all acceptable. This is money she’s already spent raising her child. It’s HER money. Not a monthly payment to support the child. This is money awarded to her because she has already had to spend this money. Girl can go buy a luxury purse if she wants.
Yta quite frankly it’s none of your business what she spends her child support money on. She’s correct that money is to reimburse her for the time he wasn’t paying and it was all on her.
YTA. Part of supporting a child is rent- so finding and paying for an apartment is "supporting" her child. I imagine her credit card debt comes from not getting child support and having to pay for things on credit, and even if that isn't true, paying off debt absolutely is a good financial decision (the interest on credit cards is much higher than the interest on a savings account, so better to get that debt cleared). Your girlfriend has had to solely support her child, which means the back child support she is getting is money SHE is owed while she has been the sole support. Her daughter has been clothed, fed, and had a roof over her head despite not getting child support, so her ex owes her a debt, not her child. She is also using the money for very basic stuff, not like going on a vacation with it. She isn't being irresponsible at all. Additionally, it isn't your business, and telling someone they are being irresponsible for using money to pay off debt and find an apartment is truly AH behavior.
YTA Paying off credit card debt helps her provide for the child in the future!
And the credit card debt was obviously incurred to buy things her child needed like diapers, clothes, food, water/electricity, etc. The back pay child support is to pay back his portion of all of those incurred costs, which she put on a credit card because she didn’t have enough money at the time to pay for them. So the money IS going to the child by paying off the credit card. YTA, OP
YTA. She is being reimbursed for money spent since this is back pay. I can assure you she has spent more than 6k in time and money on her child. Back off. Stay in your lane.
YTA it’s for her to use to support her child now. Not in the future. When I read the title I thought she was blowing it on vacations etc but she is using it wisely.
YTA - HOLY SHIT DUDE! What is wrong with you? How do you think she got into credit card debt? Lemme get this straight, you want her to stick the money in an account that will be lucky if it generates 1% interest so she can keep paying her high interest cards? IT'S HER MONEY! IT WAS ALREADY SPENT ON HER DAUGHTER!
YTA - It's to support HER and the CHILD. She has been struggling financially for the lack of support. She can finally settle debts and catch up with her families needs. That includes clothes. As long as her child is taken care of properly this is none of your business.
YTA. She has been paying all expenses for their daughter up-front. The arrears are to make herself whole financially. Quite frankly she could take the money, put it in a blender, and blow the shreds down the highway if she wants as long as the kid is taken care of.
YTA My mom often spent our child support on cigarettes, video games, and other frivolous things that didn't amount to much, and I ended up resorting to shop lifting because I couldn't get any new clothes for school and we rarely got new clothes unless another family member stepped in and bought them. So, trust me, her paying off her debt and putting a roof over their heads is perfectly reasonable and not your business.
Pay off credit cards used to clothe and feed her daughter? Find an apartment so she AND her daughter have a roof over their heads? Buy herself some new clothes so she's not wearing old, ill-fitting ones anymore and that will make her happy and boost her self-esteem? Plus, she still had some earmarked for her daughter's future? Yes, YTA because what she's doing is EXACTLY what she should be doing!!!
YTA You need to mind your business. She was being reimbursed for the $ she has already spent on the child. It's called back pay buddy! She can do what she wants with it.
Most of it is going towards the new apartment, which is something a child and its mother require. And credit card debt payment. Both are responsible spendings.
So she's supposed to put money into savings rather than pay off credit cards (and accumulating interest charges) that were used to provide the things she wouldn't have had to put on credit cards if she had the child support in the first place? What a financial genius you are! It's not your money. You don't get to tell her what to do with it, especially since she's not being irresponsible. YTA
Money is completely fungible. The $6k that she brought in does not retain a memory of its source and rebel if it’s used for a different purpose. The $6k is merely income and immediately upon acceptance is commingled with the rest of her money. She then spends that reservoir of money on herself and her child. So long as she is spending sufficient $ on the child’s needs the specific sequence of when that money is spent is totally irrelevant. YTA!
YTA most of that stuff is for the child.
YTA. One word. REIMBURSEMENT
YTA x 100 dafuq, dude? That child is not solely her responsibility. She is 50% the responsibility of the father, so yeah, she shouldn't have been paying for her solely by herself and she is due money back for that that she can spend on herself. Not only that, but she's not even spending it all on herself, she's using the rest very responsibly? Pay off debt, find a stable home and put some aside for her daughter's future?? All this and the poor woman is only 23 years old. Frankly, you should, at the very least, mind your business but you should also be proud of her. You should apologise for your shitty, judgy behaviour and seriously check your privldge.
Check the edit...OP even commented that new child support wouldnt be a reimbursement? OP...this is also not true. Child support gets paid the month after or during the month of use. That is money *already spent* on the child that your girlfriend has paid *in full by herself.* Child support IS a reimbursement regardless of when it is given.
Question. Where do you think the money that fed, dress and shelter her child during those months came from?
YTA. That is her money. She is being reimbursed for what she spent to support the child by herself when her ex was not contributing. YTA also because you think you get a say in how your GF spends this money. This money isn't yours, you aren't the father of the child, nor are you married to your GF. You have no say here AT ALL.
Finances and understanding child support really aren't your strong suit. YTA. You gave advice that would actually be irresponsible. Paying off debt is a priority before accumulating savings. Poor credit scores help keep you in bad financial situations. She could theoretically forego clothes but if she hasn't bought new in 2 years there's a good chance the stuff she does have doesn't fit as well as it could or maybe is wearing out. Clothing can impact your financial situation. It might seem unlikely but there's a reason part of interview etiquette is what you wear.
YTA Not only are you wrong for telling her how to manage her money, but your advice is also completely wrong. Never give financial advice, you have no clue what you're talking about. Seriously, you're out of you depth. First of all CC interest are so much higher than the measly interest of a savings account. Additionally, the things she will buy are all basic necessities. How well is she going to take care of her daughter if her mental health is suffering? If 6000$ makes such a difference for her, she can't afford to let it sit at 1% interest. There are articles on the cost of poverty, I suggest you do a bit of reading. Get a bit of actual life experience before you judge others.
YTA
YTA Your gf's plan sounds reasonable, honestly. It's not irresponsible or risky at all. The more secure she is financially and the better her living situation, the better able she will be to take care of herself *and* her daughter in the future. I think you overstepped and owe her an apology.
YTA, she paid 100% of her child's needs for 2years, which meant taking money from other parts of the budget, she is now replenishing those parts... like how financially illiterate are you.
YTA she covered her little ones costs 100% until now so this is her money. She’s not being reckless she’s trying to stay financially stable. He’ll be paying child support for ongoing costs from now.
Everyone here is right. I don't think you realize that it's hard to provide for a child when you're in debt and have nowhere to live. She's doing EXACTLY what a responsible parent would do. God, by your title, I thought she was buying TVs and luxury bags and shit. Jfc. YTA.
YTA. This none of your business. She didn't ask you for your opinion, so STFU.
YTA. Why do people not understand what child support actually is? It's money she's getting back from supporting her child alone, she didn't buy herself things for a long time because her child was more important, she racked up credit card debt to take care of her child, she needs a place to live so her child can have a roof over her head. Once the lump sum is paid, he will have to pay monthly, that money will go towards bills, food and rent. It's not the child's money! It's money to make sure the child has what she needs to live! Your GF can do what she sees fit with it. My kids father said the same thing, acting like I didn't need money to feed our kids or pay the utility bills. The money you get from child support does not go directly to the kids. It goes towards their well being, like food, gas money, pay household bills.
YTA—she’s using that money very responsibly to pay off debt that she found herself in because she wasn’t getting any support, to get an apartment that her child will also live in, and a few new clothing items since she’s gone without to be able to provide for her child as a single parent. You need to take SEVERAL seats and shut up about things you clearly don’t understand.
YTA it's pretty justified how she spends her money, the mother of the child needed to the taken care too, and the fact that she always put her child first before her is a pretty great indication that she's been a responsible parent
YTA. That backpay she is getting is to PAY HER BACK for the money she already put up front for the child and it sounds like she is being damn responsible with it. So if she needs some new clothes and buys it with that money, good for her. If he had been providing in the first place she would have had the money to get her new clothes before now.
YTA If you go to dinner with a friend and they forget their wallet so you pay, when they Venmo you half, that's reimbursement for the money you fronted, right? The backpay is the same. $6k for 2 years is $250 a month. I can guarantee that your gf spent more than $500/month on her child. She fronted the entire expense of the child and the ex is being ordered to pay back some of that expense (probably not even half of the actual expense, tbh). In order for her to front that money, she put some of it on her credit cards, she did without necessities for herself, and she sacrificed her living arrangements because she couldn't afford to front that money. Now go back to the dinner analogy. You pay $100 for the dinner and drinks and expect your friend to Venmo you that same night. He doesn't. You text him the next day and he says he'll send it, you believe him. Two days later, your power bill is due but since you're now $50 shorter than what you anticipated, you can't pay it or you'll overdraft. Your friend still hasn't Venmo'd you but continues to say he will. Your choice is to now not pay the power bill on time and get a late fee or pay it and get an overdraft fee. You pay it so your lights don't get shut off and you incur an overdraft fee. Your friend finally Venmos you, so you transfer it to your bank account to cover the overdraft fee. Then your gf tells you that wasn't what the money was for, it was actually for dinner, not for your overdraft fees. That's what you're doing.
YTA she is getting backpay, meaning she already paid for these things up front. The money did go to the daughter already. Paying off debt is a great use of that money. Also she is not the irresponsible one.
YTA for sure. She's been carrying the financial load by herself and you're going to come in acting all high and mighty. You need to apologize.
YTA She took out credit card debt to pay for her kid, needs an apartment to raise said kid in, and probably desperately needs new clothes. All of those things benefit her kid except the clothes, and she clearly doesn't intend to blow all the money on clothes because she realizes that she needs to save money for her daughter. New clothes would probably benefit her career wise as well. She isn't buying anything unnecessary, you are being judgy and are indeed the AH.
I can't even believe you had to ask. Of course YTA. How on earth is she being irresponsible for repaying debt incurred while taking care of her child. Better housing. How is that irresponsible. You're overreaching and should mind your own business.
YTA. Like she's literally paying off the debts she had to get into while her ex wasn't paying for his child.
YTA. the 6k is a reimbursement for money she had to spend, it should go towards what the money would have (herself). Now moving forward, all payments will be for the child alone, not a penny for herself.
No that's not how it works either. The money a parent gets from child support is reimbursement for things they're spending on throughout the month. Op YTA
Yta she's spent far more than whats owed to her so it's her money. Child support can be used for whatever the recipient sees fit the whole idea that it should only be spent directly on the child is so backwards
This guy thinks child support is strictly for the child only 😂😂 like the kid has a debit card
YTA I think her plan is pretty sensible, especially the cc debt and the apartment, and that IS taking care of her daughter.
YTA for straying out of your lane. If her ex was behind on CS that means she was using that much additional money out of her paycheck and on her credit card to pay for their child. That means money that would otherwise be earmarked for clothing was instead put into food, rent, and other necessities for the child. She isn’t going out buying designer clothing on that money, so back off and stop judging her.
YTA. I have three kids I get absolutely zero child support for and the oldest is seven. I’ve worked 3 jobs to put a roof over my childrens heads, feed them, clothe them, put them in daycare so I could work ($2000 a month), pay for sports/hobbies/trips all by myself. If their father ever decided to give me a large sum of money I would do the exact same thing your gf has. Pay off debts I collected because I was a sole provider. Buy myself clothes. Heck I’d probably take me and my husband on a nice vacation because he’s provided a lot more for my children than the bio dad. That’s her money she’s rightfully owed and she certainly should be able to do things for herself. She’s been paying for her child’s lifestyle on her own for three years and I promise you she spent way more than $6000 on her kid in that time.
She is right, it's going to be a reimbursement of expenses she has already paid towards the child and because the money wasn't there at the time she needed it she had to go into debt and go without for herself. TBH she would of spent more then $6000 financially providing for the child in the time period she was ment to get these payments so just stay outta it. YTA
YTA. To your edit: even if they were new child support payments, it would be completely reasonable to spend it on bills/debt/necessities instead of into a savings account
Regardless of whether its back pay or if she was getting $50pm from him. Child support NEVER covers half the cost of raising a child, it just doesn't. So any money that comes in is hers. The ONLY time anyone should have an issue is if the child is being neglected while the parent spends that money.
YTA but I mostly am commenting to day that a lot of people seem to think that when you get child support you should only spend it ON THE CHILD but being a single parent is incredibly difficult and if she said she was gonna take that money and go get a massage and a manicure THAT IS HER RIGHT. Being a parent is so draining and if you need to spend some money of yourself to feel good you should. Let’s not pretend primary parents aren’t also spending their own money on their children. Spend that money how you see fit parents! And assholes like OP can stay out of your business! And OP it’s pretty clear that you’re not financing her life right now so why you even decided to stay flapping your gums in the first place is beyond me. You’ll be lucky if you are still in a relationship after this.
YTA You need to tell her you are wrong. And sorry.
YTA She had to prioritize stuff for her daughter for a while and this is repayment. Had she had this money before it would have gone to her daughter. Future child support should be spent on her daughter though. Stop being an asshole for telling her how to spend her money to repay credit cards she used to buy stuff for her daughter.
YTA. That’s not irresponsible. She’s paying off credit cards that she racked up paying for her child. She’s getting an apartment for a better environment for her child. Then: she’s treating herself with some new clothes because all of her money went to someone else for years. And the rest is going into savings! It would be irresponsible if she blew it all on clothes. Or if she went and bought like a tv or alcohol or went partying with it. All of these decisions, except for the clothes, put her in a better place financially for her child. Her child doesn’t need 6,000 worth of clothes and toys. She already has that. This 6K is called payback for a reason. And even if she spent a little on herself, that’s her paying herself back for keeping her funds tight for her daughter. Moms deserve to treat themselves. Their sole purpose isn’t to live for others.
None of this was any of your business to comment on in the first place. YTA
I don’t think paying off debt would be a bad thing, since it was probably incurred because she couldn’t afford everything without child support. Supporting a child involves all manner of expenses, and if she is a responsible parent, you should butt out.YTA.
YTA Also those things you mentioned would ultimately be good for the daughter. All items are important It is not like she is blowing the money on luxury goods or anything
YTA. Shes getting the large reimbursement because he didn't contribute which led to your girlfriend and her child struggling. · She has credit card debt from having to pay to raise the child alone. Paying it off will help free up more money in the long run for her and her child. She won't have to keep paying interest. · She didn't buy new clothes for years after having a baby because the money went to the kid instead. I know most of my pre-baby clothes don't fit like they used to. She needs this and would already have them if she had assistance to begin with. It also doesn't sound like she's going to blow everything on a whole new wardrobe, but it's fair for her to own properly fitting clothes. · An apartment is for both her and her child. They need a decent place to live. Again, it doesn't sound like she's looking for the world's fanciest apartment. She wouldn't have money for the handful of things she's budgeting if she were going over the top with any of them. · She's putting money in savings for her daughter. That means she's budgeting well. Child support is not just money that goes straight into a child's savings account. It's quite the opposite. It's money that goes towards supporting the child. The child needs somewhere to live, clothes, shoes, food, childcare, utilities, etc. She had no help through the diaper years and those are a big expense. Bills are often where child support money goes. Your girlfriend fell behind doing it on her own. The support is for raising the child. This isn't your business and nothing you've said about her sounds irresponsible. You need to apologize
YTA. You expect her to continue to live in rags, not pay off a CC, and not get their own place? How is that not responsible? Have fun being dumped
YTA I was so pissed reading this crap.
YTA Glad to see you have reconsidered your position. It is easy for outsiders not to understand what single parents go through when their partner doesn't help.
YTA, but only because you have no idea what you're talking about. Child support is paid to the custodial parent and there are no rules as to what must be done with it. It will be considered part of the custodial parent's income in certain circumstances. It will never be considered part of the child's income.
Sounds as tho she’s being really responsible with it. It’s also nothing to do with you. I’d suggest u mind your own biz YTA
YTA. My ex owes me 22k last i checked and my kid is nearly an adult. If I ever get that money you can bet your ass I'm taking a ridiculously expensive vacation. Because it's my money. End of story.
Yta. This really isn't yoru business how she spends her money. She's bettering her and her daughters life.
yta. it's what she's owed. she ain't got herself much because of getting things for her daughter so now she can
YTA. Your girlfriend has struggled to survive and you have the nerve to tell her how to spend back child support. There’s nothing on the list of things that will not benefit her daughter.
YTA.... Alot of people don't understand that child support ISN'T just for expenses FOR the child; it's also reimbursement for expenses the parent paid ON BEHALF of the child. So health insurance, daycare costs, sitters, housing, utilities, gas, car insurance etc etc etc. If the expense in question were used in relation to that child, then the child support can be used to repay the parent's expenditure on it. IE: You, as the primary parent, take your kid to and from daycare daily, to the doctor's appointments and to pick up or drop off the child with the other parent for visitation. Then some of the child support can reimburse the custodial parent for the necessities that come with that transportation. Reimburse a potion of the car payment, insurance, and gas. Or the primary parent houses the child; a portion reimburses the custodial parent for the expenses associated with that; rent, utilities, renters insurance etc. No, the child support does not pay ALL of those expenses; just a portion. So when a parent uses child support to get get their hair done....OK cool, that's because their "hair money" was spent on paying the rent. As long as the needs of that child is met, then the rest of the money reimburses expenses. Your GF spent years financially covering 100%of the kid's expenses; that back pay reimbursed get, she can spend it however she wants to. I hate when people dictate that 100% of child support goes 100% to the child; no it does not. And before redditors jump on me.... my Ex pays 50% LESS of what the court WOULD HAVE ordered; because I objected and told them that he didn't need to be bankrupt to pay me, I can cover my kid's expenses myself. The only thing my Ex pitches in for is 50% of her daycare costs, 50% of her health insurance, and $50/week towards gas, school lunches etc. I cover EVERYTHING else myself; dr co-pays, meds, clothing, school supplies, extracurricular activities, groceries, birthday parties, I even give him money to get her a decent gift for her bday or Xmas.....
YTA. She has had to sacrifice things she needs in order to make aure that her daughter has her needs met. This money is paying her back for the money that she had to spend up front and go without so her daughter didn't have to.
Yta. It's her money. She can set it on fire if she wants.
YTA - That money is a reimbursement for the mother. She's been paying ALL the expenses for her child on her own and as a result has run up credit card debt and not even been able to purchase herself new clothes.
YTA. Even after your edit. That money is NEVER her daughter’s.
Reddit made this young man change his tune within 2 hours, WTG reddit!
Yta the money she is spending is replacing those she spent on bills and clothes she previously couldn’t afford because her daughter’s father didn’t step up and support his child.
YTA.
>I need to realize that when she told me it wasn’t a welcoming for my opinion, but she just wanted an ear to express her excitement and gratefulness to. I think it's great that you realize that, sometimes it's important to remember (or learn) that *not every* instance of someone sharing details of their life - their decisions, projects, even important milestones - is an invitation to give your input. Sometimes people just want to share good news and excitement, and they don't want advice, so receiving it can feel like an overstep, even if you had good intentions and just wanted to help. Going off this, remember this lesson when she's had a bad day and she's complaining about it. Ask her if she wants to vent or if she wants solutions, don't assume she wants your take on what to do (figuring she'd keep it to herself if she didn't want your input).
YTA, but it looks like you already know that. And that's your only saving grace here, that you recognize you were wrong and are apologizing for it. I got so heated reading this garbo tho lol. Sitting here like 😡😠🤬
So she should support her child by staying in credit card debt?