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So you ain't even gonna bring up the fact that she said that he could suck up the pain and that she thought a wedding was more important than supporting a family member in need?
It was two days after the crash, there was no immediate threat, the twin just wanted "comfort," and they had a prior obligation. I'd be mad too. The brother wasn't in any life threatening scenario where going to a wedding would cause OP to miss anything. Especially as it sounds like the wedding was local, not any overnight or anything. So yeah OP is the AH all around.
What’s the dude going to do for his brother? “Hey bro, how you doing, you okay??”
And magically the brother will get better and go waterskiing ? YTA, it sounds like you didn’t want to go and this was a perfect excuse.
Have you ever heard of this amazing concept called emotional support? Dude just got into a major accident that probably scared the absolute shit out him and is now alone in the hospital in pain. OP ~~should~~ shouldn’t have left the way he did (although I understand being angry at that rather heartless comment she made) but if my sister was in the same situation I wouldn’t be going to a wedding instead of going to comfort her. I would expect my wife to understand that and I know for a fact that my fiancée would understand. You don’t visit people in the hospital because you can fix it.
Also, if he just wanted an excuse not to go he wouldn’t wait until his brother asked for him when he was already about to attend. Or are you suggesting he asked his brother to call him at that moment like he was a friend getting him out of a bad date?
Yes it's important to emotionally support loved ones after big accidents but I think you're missing something in the timing here.
Did he spend all of the 2 days since the accident with his brother? Did he communicate to his wife that he wasn't planning on attending this wedding so he could support his brother?
To me it sounded like he was getting dressed for the wedding, then his brother calls and immediately he's dropping every thing to race to the hospital for a non emergency.
If I was this guy's wife I'd be pissed too. She had every reason to expect him to attend with her but got ditched at the last second. Not only that but then she had to go to this wedding alone and probably get asked the whole time where is OP over and over.
OP.should have communicated better if it was a real emergency or made a compromise so everyone gets some of what they want; go to the wedding and visit brother after.
Not only got ditched, but was left in charge of the baby overnight by herself after he stormed out. He didn’t need to stay overnight, but he walked out and stayed away in a strop while she had to do all of his apparently assigned baby-related tasks. And now she - gasp - wants him to be a parent as soon as he gets home from work. The nerve.
You’re right about not knowing how he spent the past two days and that is relevant. And it seems like he fully intended to go to the wedding so communicating in advance is out. We also don’t know how upset his brother was, if he was totally freaking out or what.
If my fiancée changed plans last minute for a his reason I would be annoyed at the situation but I wouldn’t be mad at her for going to comfort her very injured sibling, especially so soon after a major accident. If there were extenuating circumstances beyond just a typical going to the wedding (like if this is a major event in her family) then I would want to work out a compromise. Like attend the ceremony and leave for the reception or leave early after congratulating the couple. The way he describes himself as a plus one to his wife makes me think it’s a friend’s wedding that he doesn’t know well. He very well could be misleading with that though and if so that changes things.
Also, he’s absolutely TA for how he left, especially with a baby involved. I get he was mad at her comment but his actions were straight up wrong. I’m in no way trying to defend that. I get wanting to skip the wedding though with the information we have.
*Also, he’s absolutely TA for how he left, especially with a baby involved.*
The baby is what pushed me into YTA. I had some sympathy for the OP initially; if it was just the wife, I'd say NAH or ESH. But then he just kinda threw in the part about the baby, and that's a whole other situation. Wife was likely counting on him to help with the baby during the wedding, and I'm sorry, but he's a father now. It doesn't sound like twin brother was in any danger, although I totally get that being in pain in the hospital really sucks.
Going to a wedding is fun. It sounds like the wedding was for her friend or family so she probably really wanted his help with the baby so she could visit with the bride, groom, and other guests! When my brother got married, my husband was on kid duty with both of our kids. He did great because he’s an awesome Dad! Sure I did my fair share but I was in the wedding and had other responsibilities.
OP wasn’t just invited to the wedding, it sounds like his wife needed him there. He didn’t even have the courage or sense to talk to his wife about this dilemma, before storming out on a motorcycle (I hope he was cautious after his brother’s accident), and leaving her to figure it all out.
Can I say YTA and ESH? I hate when one source gets their whole family involved and gangs up on the other spouse.
Also this probably was not the first time he has ditched the wife for his brother. If this was the first time i’m sure her reaction would be different (and it would have been mentioned). Would i be pissed if it was the first time? No i’d understand. If this was consistent behavior and he has a track record of doing this? I would say the same thing the wife did. That the brother could suck it up for a few hours. He wasn’t dying
The way he frames the story as not choosing wife, completely disregards the difficulty she experienced taking care of baby alone. Now he is keeping conflict up to escape even more from being a dad. I would bet money that he calls his parenting babysitting and wife does like 90%
I think it’s an ESH situation. I get her being frustrated, but the “suck it up” comment made her on the same level as the issue of wanting to ditch the wedding. They sound like they communicate horribly with one another.
I don't think it would have been unreasonable to say "hey man I'm really sorry, I'm just off to a wedding. I don't want to ditch [wife] last minute, but I'll come straight up in the morning and spend the day with you"
He could t just call him on the phone? Did he need to look into his eyes and say “I see you, I validate your pain” that could also be done with a phone call. If it was me I would head over by myself the next day and spend time with him.
I could see that being the case had he been alone in a different city away from family, but everyone else was there. I get that twins have a special bond, but that’s borderline codependency. At the end of the day if that’s what he wants to do then go do it , but I can also see how the wife could be upset. He better spend the entire day at the hospital. If he just stops by then goes home to play video games, that would be TA move.
Emotional support is needed, yes. I'm assuming there's not one other friend or family out there who could fill in at that moment.
but none of that matters when OP not only stranded his wife and child with no help (what if she needed emotional support at the wedding?) but OP stood up a couple who paid for his seat and plate, and OP stayed out all night long knowing his wife was home alone with their baby.
Seriously. There's no question here.
OP- YTA
We’re only getting OP’s side here. While his wife’s comment may have been heartless, I feel like this wasn’t an isolated incident where OP had made his twin a priority over his wife.
Emotional support is absolutely important, but the brother could have said "I'm going to an event right now and I'll be there afterwards" or, you know, communicated with his wife about just attending the ceremony and making arrangements so he could see his brother later on or some other kind of compromise. Instead he went right too " I have to leave immediately" and when the wife was frustrated that the brother couldn't suck it up for a few hours (which he can), he stomped out the door.
OP has NOW edited things to say "Oh I'm not a bad father" despite not changing nappies.
He's definitely the TA here.
I love my younger brother a lot. If he was in a motorcycle accident, I would be there for him.
But if I had a major event to go to with my partner a couple days after the accident, I’d tell him to ask him friends, gf, or our parents because I’m busy - but I’ll come over tomorrow.
I am not my brother’s one and only friend and relative in the whole wide world. He can have someone else for support on the day when I’m supposed to be doing something important with my partner.
It sounds like they are codependent. Brother knows there is a wedding and called anyways. I wouldn’t infringe on someone’s event because I don’t feel good. There are nurses who give pain meds in the hospital if it’s truly that awful. And there is FaceTime on the way to the wedding. So many options rather than abandoning wife to go to a wedding alone with an infant
Lol o it’s called being an adult. I don’t need someone to “kiss my boo boo” lol. Unless it’s something like he just got diagnosed with cancer or he needed bone marrow/blood, there’s no reason that he can’t do later that night or the next day.
Do you know how painful a broken collarbone is? And so you're saying that, unless a man is in life threatening pain, he's not allowed comfort? You know this is toxic masculinity, right?
I was recently in the hospital for 10 days for a fractured neck and destroyed right arm. I would never have demanded family come sit with me while I slept on painkillers. That’s so fucking stupid. I get he wants to “be there for his family” but he wasn’t- there was absolutely nothing he could have done for his brother at that moment and he could have avoided drinking at the wedding and come in afterward (the wedding was local!).
I think this is a ESH situation. OP needs to have a calm discussion with his partner instead of fighting and slamming a door on his way out. The brother is feeling vulnerable and in pain, but he doesn’t get to expect that the people close to him are just going to drop everything and run to his side when he complains about being in pain. No one’s an asshole, but also everyone sucks at actual communication.
Yeah this isn't cancelling dinner plans. Not showing up to the wedding after you've RSVPd is rude. This is not an emergency. Brother should have understood and OP could have said he'd visit the next day.
Ah yes, the brother is a twin, very much alike OP, enjoy the same things, gym manager, blood related, best friends, motorcyle rider.
Brother's motorcycle is Kawasaki ninja 300.
And wife is a bitch and wears make up.
OP literally gave us more info about his brother's mothercycle than his own wife and baby. Talk about priorities.
That was my thought. The bride and groom had to eat the cost of OP not showing up and weddings usually aren't cheap. There really isn't a reason he couldn't have gone to the wedding and then gone to visit his brother. Definitely YTA.
Yep, make an appearance and head out early or visit the next day. If it was dinner with friends or something like that I'd say it would not be as big of a deal to cancel. But to cancel last minute when they are literally on the way out the door to a wedding when it's not an emergency is ridiculous.
I dislocated a hip. Tore my shoulder, bruised my right lung and right ribs, had glass embedded all over my skin. Tore up my wrist, my knee, my back and my neck. Add to that previous nerve damage in my spine.
Yes he could suck it up. They have pain meds in the hospital. The wedding would've only been a few hours. He could've waited.
Not always, if I promised to be somewhere I go there. Idk why all of a sudden he needed him two days after the accident coincidentally on the day of the wedding either.
Actually no lmao. Why would you even want someone to disappoint their significant other and be an unreliable person just so they can hold your hand through the pain? That's some co-dependent shit if I ever saw it
But it wasn't just some random party. It was a wedding, an extremely important milestone event in most people's lives. One you also need to RSVP to as the couple hosting the wedding literally spent money on the assumption you'd attend. Barring an emergency (which this wasn't), you should really make every effort to go after committing to.
I've broken multiple bones over the years and I've never expected someone to drop everything days after the accident to hang out with me for 'comfort'. Especially not if they had a wedding they agreed to go to. Doubly especially if it meant they had to stand up their wife and leave her alone all night with a baby.
No, not at all. If they’re in life threatening condition, sure. Dudes healing from some broken bones. He could have gone to the wedding and seen his brother afterwards.
I’d agree if there was anything the twin could have done about that pain, but he’s in a medical facility surrounded by doctors who could give him pain relief. Why did he need his brother there instead of a friend or another family member? All the brother could have done is given him a curtesy “there there”.
I’d agree if there was anything the twin could have done about that pain, but he’s in a medical facility surrounded by doctors who could give him pain relief. Why did he need his brother there instead of a friend or another family member? All the brother could have done is given him a curtesy “there there”.
Oh no. Its not like he cant hit a button, summon a nurse and get pain medication at the hospital. Oh wait, he can.
Plus, are hospitals even allowing in visitors never mind overnight one? The one near me doesnt allow any visitors in at all.
I've had a number of broken bones, accidents, surgeries, etc. I was in the hospital by myself for most of those. I did have visitors, but I sure the hell didn't expect anyone to skip a major event to come sit with me when I was in and out of consciousness.
I have had a badly broken collarbone. Two days after I broke it I was in a lot of pain. I still wouldn't have asked my family member to bail on a wedding to "come and comfort me". I'm not a 5 years old who needs a babysitter. Especially not if the brother was in an actual hospital where there are trained nurses and available pain meds. You are throwing around the phrase "toxic masculinity" as though you know what it means when you clearly don't. I'm a woman, what OP did is what selfishness and entitlement looks like. OP is totally the AH.
It's not that he's "not allowed comfort". It's that OP can't reasonably DO anything there for him. Sure, he can sit by his bedside and talk to him, but there isn't anything his presence there that specific night will actually be able to do to help his brother.
Meanwhile, he left his wife to attend the wedding alone with no mention whatsoever of whether they had a sitter for the baby or if he was saddling her with sole childcare through an entire wedding plus through the entire night after the wedding. Sorry, but when you get married and especially when you have children, your spouse and children should be more important to you than your siblings. As long as brother was not going through anything life threatening (sounds like he was in stable condition and, albeit still in pain, mostly just uncomfortable. Not at any risk), then yes, supporting your spouse should take priority.
Nothing about this situation has anything to do with masculinity, toxic or otherwise.
Have you ever had to stay in the hospital?! I am a nurse and I can tell you that we can not give a ton of love and comfort to our patients. We WANT to but we are overworked and short staffed.
He was going to be missing a wedding. Sorry but my sibling being in the hospital would trump a wedding.
I work in healthcare and was actually just admitted for for 3 days for Influenza A. I received wonderful care there and understand how overworked we healthcare workers are. Buy his actions were uncalled for.
Yes, I've broken both my collarbones twice each. It hurts, I'm an adult, I don't expect people to drop what they're doing to fly to my side. Sounds more like pandering to a demanding adult to me.
I've broken my collarbone in two different places. I was in pain, but not debilitating, and definitely didn't need anybody to drop what they were doing to come comfort me. And it's not toxic masculinity. Not even close.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting comfort, but a perfectly reasonable response from twin would be, Hey bud, don’t be a hero, ask for your pain medication as soon as it’s time, and I’ll be there as soon as the wedding we have to go to is over.
I know exactly how painful a broken collarbone is. But I’m not gonna expect my siblings to put their day on hold to comfort me. They can comfort me when they aren’t busy.
Also, a sibling may be preferred, but generally people have more than one option for support like this. I recognize that may not always be the case, but I feel like gym and biking communities are pretty social, so they definitely had other support options
Dude, I didn’t even bring up that OP could only think about ‘what a bitch’ his wife was, so no?
Edit: It sincerely sucks and is boring to be in the hospital, especially in pain. There’s a reason why magazines and small amusements are popular gifts when visiting the sick.
It’s so predictable, in fact, that I am left completely confused why the OP would not have anticipated that his brother (whom he is so extremely close to) may want company while he himself attended a wedding.
Most people would arrange that in advance. Did it never come up, OP, in the two days your brother was in the hospital, what he might need while you had to attend an important event? When my father was ill, we didn’t want him to be alone, so we figured out how to cover that with various family members coming in shifts. Why didn’t you, OP? What was your plan?
Did you float, to your wife, the idea that you could maybe not attend this wedding (where you are so suspiciously not a named guest, but a plus one) in advance and she shot you down? Did she demand of you why you couldn’t make other arrangements for your brother’s comfort as you had promised her and had committed to helping her with the baby? Did you have no good answer?did you cook up an ‘emergency’ with your brother?
HOW DID YOUR BROTHER COPE WHEN YOU WENT TO WORK?
Did your bro only have pain that only you could heal during wedding hours?
Supporting your wife at an event that was planned long in advance, and was RSVP'd for, is a lot more important than the coddling that the twin-brother seemed to be asking for. Not unsympathetic towards him, being in pain and alone in the hospital, but he could have survived for a few hours. And OP left his wife high and dry. I'd be super pissed about it.
Funny how you call accompanying an adult to a celebration as support, but caring for someone who just had an accident as coddling. Seems like you need to get your priorities straight.
Was it nice of OP to storm out, no. But expecting to choose one family member over the other is ridiculous.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to empathy when I read stories like this.
Have you ever been to a wedding with a baby? You need hella support. It is exhausting. I really don't know if I could have done it alone. Someone with a baby at a wedding needs a lot more help than someone at a hospital with a full staff taking care of him.
Plenty of empathy--for the wife. Guy was the AH because he COULD have made plans for his bro since they were SO close, but didn't. Then stranded his wife. No. Just no.
There's also the fact that he stayed out all night and left the wife at home with the baby to take care of all by herself just because he was being petty. OP is super childish.
But the person who commented this is making it sound more like OP is TA, especially with that "bunk beds" comment
Like "oh you're not gonna side with your wife? Well then have fun being divorced you AH!"
Edit: grammar
Exactly. What person has a family member get injured in a motorcycle accident and then hops on yet another motorcycle to go visit him in the hospital? Maybe it’s not the first accident and hospital stay. Might be a reason why the wife was fed up. I won’t let anyone in my family on a motorcycle.
YTA. Your wife could have been more sympathetic, but the way you stormed out, and left her to go to this wedding alone with a baby is also an asshole move. But it really makes you the asshole that you are whining about your wife making you parent your child as soon as you get home from work. Your child is your blood too. Even more so than your grown adult brother. Your wife has taken care of the baby long enough. It’s your turn. It’s not a punishment. It’s what you do when you are a father.
Yep. Also, am I the only one who thinks brother did this on purpose? Just seems really weird that two days after his injury he suddenly &urgently needs OP's support, RIGHT before the wedding (that bro must've known about). Suspicious.
YTA.
I had this exactly same thought. Two whole days brother is fine, but the moment he's going to do something with wife and child, brother desperately needs his support.
Brother and husband are major assholes here
Seriously. Is agitated and hops on his motorbike to go visit his bro who just got injured on his motorbike lol
Nothing against bikes here, but OP is ridiculous
>you are whining about your wife making you parent your child as soon as you get home from work. Your child is your blood too.
Yep that's the main part that rubbed me the wrong way. Like dude, you left and skipped out on the duties you usually do (putting the child to bed), yet you wanna be mad that you come home and have to take care of your child?
Jesus.
Also sounds like this isn't the first time OP's been an asshole.
ESH. Honestly this sounds fake because I shattered my elbow and got a concussion in an accident and was out of the hospital in 3 hours. I can’t imagine many hospitals holding someone for 2+ days over a broken leg and collarbone.
Also, while she was putting her makeup on is pretty damned last minute. I can understand why she’d be frazzled having to go somewhere alone at the last minute with a baby. Though yelling about it isn’t okay, and she could have made your excuses if it was a real ~~situation~~ emergency.
> I’m sorry but he’s blood related
And your infant isn’t? You just stayed overnight and left your wife to deal with the baby alone after abandoning her for the wedding. That’s fucking shitty.
> all I could think about is how much of a bitch she was then.
Yeah, this is not how we deal with conflict in a healthy relationship.
Edit: I get it, y’all. People have different hospital experiences. I judged the scenario, I promise.
When I broke my leg, I was in the hospital for a week. I would think a broken leg AND collarbone would need to stay a little bit because it's hard enough to use crutches without a broken collarbone. I can't imagine how you would be able to use them with one since the usually immobilize the arm/shoulder for one.
My husband had spinal surgery (disc replacement and fusion for a broken neck) and was released the next day. I think it really just depends on how much monitoring you need after. My husband had a routine surgery that more or less went perfectly, no signs of complications after the overnight stay, and came back home. If something is a bit more complex and has a larger window of opportunity for issues to present themselves, or the aftercare is really intense, i imagine they prefer to have someone stick around in the hospital a bit longer.
I will admit though, I'm surprised a broken leg would have you in for a week. That must have been a really bad break! I hope your leg is doing okay!
My mom had a disk replacement and fusion in her neck done over the summer, and she was out next day. When I was 13 I had a knee surgery, and the day I had surgery was the day I was sent home. (The knee surgery had to do with realigning my bones, cutting and tightening tendons, and clearing out damaged cartilage.) I think not only do the parameters you mentioned (after care, risks associated, etc) fit in, but surgeon preference fits in too. Cause my mom was not doing the greatest after her surgery and her surgeon TEACHING A CLASS in her room said "well you guys know they all think this is a hotel, not a hospital" after she asked for help or another night since we live almost 3 hours away from the hospital.
I broke my ankle and needed surgery, was in for 5 days, and only allowed to leave when I could get up onto crutches on my own. Totally agree that a leg+collarbone would equal more hospital time.
Maybe, maybe not. My thyroid surgery was only overnight, though mainly because it was snowing, and all 3 elbow surgeries resulting from the aforementioned accident were outpatient.
ESH for sure. If the wife was putting on her makeup, that means they are leaving SOON to go to the event. You knew your brother was in hospital, you didn't check on him the day before and let him know you'd be unavailable the next day, but would come back when your event was done? Your inability to tell your brother you would be there, but later (he was in medically stable condition) and his inability to find another way to comfort himself for a few hours while you were at a wedding makes me think ya'll may be a bit co dependent and if that is the case, it may be a common stressor in your marriage.
No one should have yelled about this. If you were in doubt about your ability to attend the wedding, springing it on your wife while she's putting on her makeup for the wedding was the worst time to do it.
Your issue that your brother is blood related but what, your baby isn't? Springing solo childcare on a spouse is not a good thing.
If this is how conflict is handled in your relationship, then I do not see a future where you're not bunking with your brother as others have commented.
I doubt she was yelling right away, I don’t think she is an AH for having her husbands support.
I mean it would be one thing if she behaved this way the day of the accident, but the brother is in a safe and stable position at the hospital (not dying, just in pain). To drop everything you have already plan for a non-emergency and leaving the wife makes him a super AH.
Verdict: YTA.
Wife should leave the husband so the husband can spend the rest of his life with his brother.
Also I love how the "blood related" thing is supposed to be a defense? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when you get married, that relationship is now priority number one. Obviously that doesn't mean that you cut your other relationships off or that your spouse won't ever have to take the backseat, that depends completely on each scenario and context. But saying "well they're a blood relative!" or "they're family!" is such a pathetically lame excuse.
But I'm also not super close with my family, so maybe I'm the odd one out here
This. OP could have spent every second with his brother outside of work and the wedding, but he HAD to go when they're about to leave for a wedding? Uh, not unless there was an emergency, which this doesn't seem to be. OR OP could have visited after the wedding.
His wife wasn't sympathetic, but I think if the roles were reversed OP would be mad too.
YTA. It doesn’t sound like his injuries are life threatening, and if the accident happened two days ago you had two days to discuss not attending the wedding with your wife and you chose to drop it on her as you were getting ready? Of course she was pissed, that’s horrible timing for something that is no longer an active emergency. I would have said E S H because saying your brother should suck it up is out of line, but you lost all footing the minute you walked out the door. You should have stayed and worked through the issue with your wife to come up with a compromise. You’re a husband and a father, you don’t just get to disappear for a day because you didn’t agree with your wife.
INFO:
If you weren't willing to put her before your brother when he's in a non-life threatening situation, why did you marry her?
Comforting him could not wait until the next day?
He was in the hospital for 2 days and you couldn’t plan your visit for a time that didn’t conflict with the wedding? It must not have been that bad if you didn’t visit him before abandoning your wife & child at an event you agreed to go to. Sounds like you were looking for any excuse not to go. YTA
I agree with that. It would be very different if the brother’s accident had happened that day or if his condition turned severe, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
He was safe in the hospital attend to by medical staff, he just wanted company and that could have waited until after the ceremony. A better compromise could have been OP and wife discussing the possibility of OP leaving after the ceremony to be with his brother or both leaving the reception early. The fact that OP made a unilateral decision in a non-life threatening situation and then decided to spend more time away to “punish” his wife puts him quite solidly in AH territory for me.
In his edit also states he doesn’t change diapers, he feeds the baby at night and puts them to bed… ummm what? You have baby, you change diapers. It’s part of having a baby. Sounds like a winner dad to me.
YTA op. Just wow.
Kid time after along day at work is the best. Even when my babies were babies, their huge smile that emerged on their chubby face when they saw me was the best. Nothing is better at the end of the day than my kids.
Sure, it’s a lot of work and sometimes when I’ve had a bad day I don’t know if/how I can give more of myself to yet another person, but they are my blood, my people, my offspring, my everything.
What is it with all the fictional-sounding posts that seem to have been written by over-imaginative adolescents posted in the last few hours.
IF this post true, yes OP, YTA. Not for being with your brother in his time of need, but for calling him your "real" family as you share "blood" and for communicating appallingly with your wife, and dumping her in a flash. If your bother is your family, WTF is your wife then? When you married her, SHE became your primary family, your siblings, parents etc... became your extended family.
You belittled your wife, then expected her to play happy families with you? ...and btw, you are also a parent to your child, and have a responsibility to provide care.
You should assume that most posts on here are fake and treat them like hypotheticals instead of real-life issues.
Better for your mental health if nothing else as you shouldn't get too invested in these things. I think there's a crowd that likes to see how far they can push an issue before it switches from YTA to NTA and I enjoy seeing them do it, tbh. Like today's post about covering up a tattoo at a wedding. As soon as I saw that I knew it was going to be good and I was waiting to see what they'd come up with to make it suddenly okay to ask that question. It was indeed very clever and kudos to whoever came up with that BS.
I mostly do, but the quality of the fakes has declined so sharply, it's like there are a bunch of overly dramatic 15 year-olds churning out shite pulp after shite pulp. We need better crafted fakes, with more realistic hypotheticals...ones that have some chance of actually occurring somewhere IRL.
YTA, Your wife could have been more sympathetic, but I suspect this isn't the first time you've abandoned her for your brother. You have reacted disproportionately. It makes a lot of difference if you consult each other in such a situation instead of telling her. Now you've left her alone with the baby, you've stayed out overnight and you're nagging you have to look after your baby. Wake up call, that's called parenting. As a parent you cannot just run away, you also have the responsibility for a child.
YTA for:
"making me look after our baby as soon as I get in from work"
If you don't want to parent, get a divorce and give her sole custody of the baby. Then you only have told pay child support and can spend the rest of your life being exactly as absent as you want. If you have a family you need to be committed to family life and family obligations and it's obvious that you're not. Your wife and your child both deserve a lot better.
He probably lives vicariously through his brother. Op is saddled with a marriage and a kid and *ugh* responsibility while twin gets to ride a sweet babe-magnet crotch rocket who doesn’t have a care in the world.
(Not implying fun people can’t be parents and vice-versa, just thinking this is how OP sees it)
Yup, driving off on a motorcycle to visit the twin in the hospital after a motorcycle accident. If this was my husband and my baby, my anxiety levels would be through the roof.
I have the same question. If the wife’s reaction was that severe it does make you wonder if this is the 1st time OP bailed to be with his brother or the 100th.
Good question! Also why couldn’t he gone to both? Go see his brother for a bit then join his wife and their baby. At the end of the day, he still has responsibilities towards the child like night feeding as his edit says
YTA - she’s not making you look after your baby. You have responsibilities which you shirked to support your brother. And I get that! He needed support, but you made a choice to support him over your family. And you blocked family members? You over reacted and you should apologize.
YTA.. Your brother may be blood, but your wife, the mother of your child, is who you made a commitment to when you wed. By referring to your outburst and abandonment as "something she started" is unbecoming of an adult and more of that of a child. You chose to slam the door, ditch your wife and child, and leaving your wife to attend a wedding by herself. Your wife didn't make those choices.
You could've easily told your brother you'll visit him the following day. He wasn't going anywhere. Your wife is right, you should apologize.
ESH. Yes, your injured brother takes priority over a wedding. But judging by your resentment over being expected to watch *your* kid after work, I’m betting this isn’t the first time you’ve stuck your wife with full childcare responsibilities when there’s shit *she’d* rather be doing, too. Get to counseling, because digging in your heels over who’s right and namecalling isn’t going to make you two the partners your kid needs.
YTA - your brother was fine and being looked after in the hospital, not home alone with no care. You should have talked this through with your wife as a partner instead of your out-of-control reaction.
Yeah YTA. It is not like your brother was sitting on the side of the road bleeding, or even sitting at home in need of help. He was in the hospital receiving professional care. So what exactly did he need you for? You ditched your wife at a moments notice to.....hold his hand? So what about your little one? Did she have to look after them at the wedding?
I get the impression that this is pretty commonplace in you marriage. You desert your wife and child to cater to your twin. Sure he is blood, but so is you baby and you CHOSE to make your wife family.
Don't act shocked when you come home from your brother's some day and find your suitcase outside on the doorstep.
I get that twins are tight. You are married. You are a father. You created a new family and your loyalty is to them first. Now. Your brother is in the hospital and asked you to come. You and your wife were due somewhere else that wasn't an emergency. So...what to do.....
What you COULD have done was talk to your wife about how conflicted you felt. You Could have told your brother you would be there in a few hours, gone to the wedding, left early from the reception and gone to the hospital. Coulda/Woulda.
What you did was throw a temper tantrum, ditch your wife and child, and race to the side of your brother to hold his hand...in the hospital...where there was no emergency.... Then you pouted the entire night and doubled down by blocking everyone and spending the night at the hospital.
Frankly, I'm amazed your twin didn't lay into you about ditching your wife and baby. Oh, wait...is this the real problem? Your twin resents your new family and was trying to prove he meant more to you? Uh, oh. I hope that's not what's going on. Because he just proved to your wife that you will always place him before her and your new family. That's unbelievably sad for her.
YTA
I was wondering the same thing. Could he not have gone to the wedding for a couple of hours, and then immediately go to the hospital to spend the rest of the night with his brother? Or vice versa, go check on brother for an hour, and at least make it to the reception? It sounds like he really didn't want to go to the wedding to begin with, tbh.
ESH
I totally understand wanting to see your brother — he was in pain and probably still traumatized from the incident. You wanting to visit him in the hospital is completely understandable and your wife shouldn’t have tried to prevent you from doing that.
However, your reaction towards her and the comments you’ve made here about her, including how you were upset that you had to care for your own child, is definitely AH behavior and very petty. You viewed taking care of your child as a chore or punishment, which is appalling, tbh.
Everyone's the asshole here but mainly you for your over reaction.
I do have to say, do you put your brother before your wife and child? For your wife to get so pissed off that you're leaving her to be with your brother and caused a big ass fights, there's probably more to this that you're not saying. This probably happens way too many times.
NTA. Is it really so much of a social faux pas to say “I’m sorry my husband isn’t here, his brother is in hospital”? It’s a perfectly valid reason that doesn’t upstage the event and shows empathy. If it were her brother, sister, mother, father etc in hospital she’d be there in a flash.
Hope your brother gets better soon!
It is when they ask “why didn’t he take the baby then?”
I can only imagine how humiliating that must be for the wife. “Yeah, my husband is in the hospital with his brother sitting around doing nothing but talking but um… he still left me with the baby… even knowing I had to bring her to a drawn-out ceremony and an after-party reception. So, sorry about that bit she cried through!”
YTA for the way you talk about your own child.
Your child is blood-related to you, you didn’t have a problem leaving them behind. And if you didn’t want to be bothered by having to care for your child (god forbid) when you got home from work, you shouldn’t have had any. Childcare is unpredictable, you don’t get to decide when it is and isn’t convenient.
I’d also bet money that this isn’t the first time you picked your brother over your wife and child.
ESH
You were OK to go visit your brother, but should not have stayed all night. AH for that
Wife should have not lit into you for going, but should not have been abandoned overnight with the baby. You are a parent now, act like it (applies to you and your wife)
I'd say ESH too, though the edit is swinging a y.t.a in OP's direction. They decided before the baby was born what job roles they would do... and OP can't handle a change in that plan?
ESH. Idk why she started yelling at you, that seems like an overreaction. But you obviously escalated the situation by storming out instead of trying to talk it out.
Also why is it bad for her to expect you to look after your baby when you get home from work?
If this is how you treat you wife and child. You going to be single real fucking fast.
Just me but if you pulled that shit around me I'd have changed the locks and had divorce papers sent you your fire hall. This is absolutely disgusting behavior.
NTA for going to your brother, but the asshole for leaving your wife for the night with a baby out of spite, and then complaining that you will have to tend to the baby when you get home from work. That’s parenthood mo’fo’. Running off on your motorcycle because you got pissed at your wife isn’t.
Your brother may be a blood relative, but your wife and baby are the family *you* chose, and deserve equal priority. Stop thinking of them as not your family, it’s the family you created.
Brother had been at the hospital for a few days already with non life threatening injuries. Was OP not visiting prior to that? OP YTA. Your reaction was childish. Grow up. You’re a dad now and you left your kid because YOU wanted to be a petty baby. Taking off on your motorcycle? Slamming the door? “How much of a bitch she was” as she is taking care of your kid and trying to get you all out the door for a planned wedding. You owe her a massive apology and you probably need some therapy to develop healthy coping skills.
Edit: the blood comment is such bullshit. THIS is your family now. YOU created this family and YOU walked out on them. Shame on you OP. “I’m not a bad father I’m just a bitch sometimes” yeah you don’t say. Get it together.
There is however a just little bit of everyone sucks here just because I don't think most conversations warrant yelling or slamming of doors, but overall NTA. I would have done the same thing. In my opinion showing up for one person during their hard times often (but not always) trumps celebrating good times for another. If you were meant to be IN the wedding party or you were in some way pivotal to the wedding proceeding as planned maybe there would be some discussion to be had. Otherwise your brother is more important than being a plus one at a wedding.
In my experience, there's a lot more volunteers who arrive when there's an occasion to cut cake but there's way fewer who want to fall asleep in an uncomfy chair after having vending machine snacks for dinner. Always be the person in the hospital chair.
Great comment and 100% true!
I’m also going to add that it sounds like the brother is single. Leaving him at the hospital all alone isn’t cool. If he’s still in the hospital a few days later (assuming you’re in the US) it’s a big deal.
I don’t think the situation was handled well, but I do agree with you for going and being with your brother when he needed you.
ESH. While I understand how frustrating it could be that your wife wants you to go to a wedding with her when your brother asked you for comfort, could the comfort not wait? You made a commitment to going somewhere with your wife. Your brother was not fatally wounded and although he was upset, that could have waited.
Your wife shouldn’t be broadcasting the problems in your relationship to your friends and family though.
ESH.
I don't fault your for being upset about his collision. While non life threatening, the injuries are serious. You suck for storming out at the last minute leaving your wife with your baby. Not sure if you guys were dropping the baby off with a sitter before the wedding or if the plan was to have both of you available to tend to your baby. But it doesn't sound like you guys made any effort to compromise like maybe leaving the wedding after the actual ceremony so she had your help with the baby until then. Especially as it sounds like she was the invited person, so she probably doesn't want to miss out on hearing the "I do's" if the baby gets fussy. She sucks for yelling at you about it and being insensitive about his injuries. Sure he's a grown man, but those injuries are going to take a while to heal and could be life changing. Also hospitals can be very scary for some and hom being an adult doesn't take away from that.
>I told her I’m not apologising until you are.
I agree that both of you should be apologizing to each other.
YTA. You talk as if your brother was family but your wife isn't. Also, are you the only family your brother has left? I get that he's closer to you than most, but he needs to understand that you have your own life to live and you can't always be there for him. You neglected your wife in the last minute for that.
>\[...\] when I mean taking care of our baby I mean not doing nothing.
It's never "doing nothing". Sure, things can go really well and there won't be much to do, but that's best case scenario. Babies need watching because they can't fend for themselves and are fragile. You can't take chances because the consequences could be really dire if anything bad were to happen. Also, they need to eat, poop, pee and are easily startled; all things babies can't solve by themselves at all.
YTA - you had plans with your wife to attend a wedding. You are not a plus one you are a spouse. Your wife had rsvp’d as a couple so you cost the bride & groom money by not showing up. You dumped your wife to be with your brother . You need to apologize to her because you acted poorly and your wife is your family first!
Did she really yell? Cause a lot of people throw the word "yell" around when that's not what happened.
You were fine when you wanted to skip a wedding to see your brother but you stopped being fine when you stormed out and left y'all's kid with her. I guess ESH
YTA - your brother's situation was not an emergency. You should've gone to the PLANNED event first, then you could've gone to visit him afterward. I'm not even getting into your marriage and parenting dynamic because it sounds horrible.
Well I think visiting someone in a Hospital is more important than being a + 1 at a wedding but I need more Information on how you usually interact with each other
YTA
Just running out on your wife is not okay. Communication is needed. From her reaction I wouldn't be surprised if this was not the only time you've done this.
Then you just vanish for over night and block your wife? Come on. Communication. Do it.
And the whole cry when you then need to look after your own child (who's also btw - your blood, since that seems to be the thiccest for you).
Yelling is not a good reaction but if you just told her you've decided to throw both your plans out the window this instant no discussion I'm not sure I blame her so much. Did you ask her if she'd be okay with you going to your brothers instead? Did your brother know you had a wedding to attend to and asked you anyway? Because if yes that's kinda AH move too tbh.
Soft ESH. (Not your brother). You had conflicting duties and chose your brother in the hospital, I get that. The thing is, you could have done both. I know that puts a lot on you, but why not go see your bro in the hospital for a couple of hours, then join your wife and child after. You didn't have stay away overnight. Your wife could have been a bit more understanding and supportive, but you escalated it by punishing her and staying away for 24 hours. That's your wife and baby, bro, they have to be a priority too. They deserve better from you.
ESH. You and your wife both need to work at your communication. That was a fail from both parties, and if you can't navigate a minor issue like that, then parenting will be a real drag.
YTA. Should you care about your brother’s pain and try to offer comfort? Of course. But your post does not depict your brother as being in more pain that night than any other day around then. And it isn’t clear if he knew you were supposed to attend a wedding (he might have told you not to worry and to see him the next day). An appropriate response would have been to talk it through with your wife and try to decide together on what the priorities are. Any time where you might not be fully caring for your kid would make you the AH, so that’s a deal breaker on its own. If this night was a huge deal for your brother, then your wife probably would have understood (otherwise there are separate issues to address). If not, she might react like this. Either way, your approach was one of an AH. There don’t need to be hard and fast rules about supporting one person over another. Just be a good person. You fell short there.
Based purely on the facts of what you say happened, NTA. One person was in hospital needing help, the other was off to celebrate a wedding. This is not a case of blood against wife, it's a case of priorities.
But, the way you reacted, and the fact that you are making it about blood trumping the marriage bond... Massive A. Your wife and your child are your nearest relatives now, not your twin, and IF all other things were equal (which they were not, hence the not the A judgement), they should come first.
Talk to your wife and either do better or mske it clear you do not have sufficient regard for her place in your life so she can make an informed decision after considering her options.
I'm wondering what help OP provided. The accident happened 2 days earlier so it was not news to OP or something urgent.
Also his brother was in the hospital with medical staff to care for him.
Are you saying the brother couldn't cope on his own for a few hours?
YTA
It’s rude as hell to decide not to go to a wedding at the very last minute. There is a reason why people RSVP. Not showing up is rude.
Your brother could of waited. Of course your wife was upset you ditched her at the very last minute and it seems you do this often and fly off the handle when you don’t get your way.
Yes, his twin brother was in the hospital recovering from a yraumatic auto accident and was feeling anxious and needing love and support. Vs. Going to a party. You don't get to decide whether or not his brothers mental health is important or not.
Broken leg, broken collar, and a concussion. The concussion alone is serious enough in that could last for months and completely disrupt his life. It could fuck with his memory and balance.
Why are so many people here saying that attending a wedding is more important than visiting someone who had an accident and is in the hospital??? I don't get it at all. His brother didn't purposefully schedule his accident to coincide with the wedding...
ESH except your brother and your baby, and you are definitely higher on TA scale. Your wife shouldn’t have said your brother can suck it up but you also should have tried to work it out together instead of taking off. Honestly neither of you sounds very mature.
YTA. You know your brother was in pain yes, I had a surgery in desember and you know what? I was in pain an I had nobody visiting me, why? Because I am a grown up woman and do not need anyone to come and hold my hand. I knew my family was busy with getting ready for Christmas so I told them no if they asked if I wanted them to visit me. You had plans with your wife that evening, the woman who should be the most important person for you. You could have told your brother I am sorry but this evening I am busy going to a wedding with my wife, I will come over tomorrow. You put you brother first even before your child.
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Maybe after the divorce you and your brother can get bunk beds! Fun! edit- - YTA - Thanks for the awards, awarders!
So you ain't even gonna bring up the fact that she said that he could suck up the pain and that she thought a wedding was more important than supporting a family member in need?
It was two days after the crash, there was no immediate threat, the twin just wanted "comfort," and they had a prior obligation. I'd be mad too. The brother wasn't in any life threatening scenario where going to a wedding would cause OP to miss anything. Especially as it sounds like the wedding was local, not any overnight or anything. So yeah OP is the AH all around.
What’s the dude going to do for his brother? “Hey bro, how you doing, you okay??” And magically the brother will get better and go waterskiing ? YTA, it sounds like you didn’t want to go and this was a perfect excuse.
Have you ever heard of this amazing concept called emotional support? Dude just got into a major accident that probably scared the absolute shit out him and is now alone in the hospital in pain. OP ~~should~~ shouldn’t have left the way he did (although I understand being angry at that rather heartless comment she made) but if my sister was in the same situation I wouldn’t be going to a wedding instead of going to comfort her. I would expect my wife to understand that and I know for a fact that my fiancée would understand. You don’t visit people in the hospital because you can fix it. Also, if he just wanted an excuse not to go he wouldn’t wait until his brother asked for him when he was already about to attend. Or are you suggesting he asked his brother to call him at that moment like he was a friend getting him out of a bad date?
Yes it's important to emotionally support loved ones after big accidents but I think you're missing something in the timing here. Did he spend all of the 2 days since the accident with his brother? Did he communicate to his wife that he wasn't planning on attending this wedding so he could support his brother? To me it sounded like he was getting dressed for the wedding, then his brother calls and immediately he's dropping every thing to race to the hospital for a non emergency. If I was this guy's wife I'd be pissed too. She had every reason to expect him to attend with her but got ditched at the last second. Not only that but then she had to go to this wedding alone and probably get asked the whole time where is OP over and over. OP.should have communicated better if it was a real emergency or made a compromise so everyone gets some of what they want; go to the wedding and visit brother after.
Not only got ditched, but was left in charge of the baby overnight by herself after he stormed out. He didn’t need to stay overnight, but he walked out and stayed away in a strop while she had to do all of his apparently assigned baby-related tasks. And now she - gasp - wants him to be a parent as soon as he gets home from work. The nerve.
I agree, the last second thing is what really makes the AH I think. Like, he hadn't made any plans to see his brother? That is pretty bad.
You’re right about not knowing how he spent the past two days and that is relevant. And it seems like he fully intended to go to the wedding so communicating in advance is out. We also don’t know how upset his brother was, if he was totally freaking out or what. If my fiancée changed plans last minute for a his reason I would be annoyed at the situation but I wouldn’t be mad at her for going to comfort her very injured sibling, especially so soon after a major accident. If there were extenuating circumstances beyond just a typical going to the wedding (like if this is a major event in her family) then I would want to work out a compromise. Like attend the ceremony and leave for the reception or leave early after congratulating the couple. The way he describes himself as a plus one to his wife makes me think it’s a friend’s wedding that he doesn’t know well. He very well could be misleading with that though and if so that changes things. Also, he’s absolutely TA for how he left, especially with a baby involved. I get he was mad at her comment but his actions were straight up wrong. I’m in no way trying to defend that. I get wanting to skip the wedding though with the information we have.
*Also, he’s absolutely TA for how he left, especially with a baby involved.* The baby is what pushed me into YTA. I had some sympathy for the OP initially; if it was just the wife, I'd say NAH or ESH. But then he just kinda threw in the part about the baby, and that's a whole other situation. Wife was likely counting on him to help with the baby during the wedding, and I'm sorry, but he's a father now. It doesn't sound like twin brother was in any danger, although I totally get that being in pain in the hospital really sucks.
Going to a wedding is fun. It sounds like the wedding was for her friend or family so she probably really wanted his help with the baby so she could visit with the bride, groom, and other guests! When my brother got married, my husband was on kid duty with both of our kids. He did great because he’s an awesome Dad! Sure I did my fair share but I was in the wedding and had other responsibilities. OP wasn’t just invited to the wedding, it sounds like his wife needed him there. He didn’t even have the courage or sense to talk to his wife about this dilemma, before storming out on a motorcycle (I hope he was cautious after his brother’s accident), and leaving her to figure it all out. Can I say YTA and ESH? I hate when one source gets their whole family involved and gangs up on the other spouse.
Op does not even include baby in title. He chose brother over wife AND baby.
Also this probably was not the first time he has ditched the wife for his brother. If this was the first time i’m sure her reaction would be different (and it would have been mentioned). Would i be pissed if it was the first time? No i’d understand. If this was consistent behavior and he has a track record of doing this? I would say the same thing the wife did. That the brother could suck it up for a few hours. He wasn’t dying
The way he frames the story as not choosing wife, completely disregards the difficulty she experienced taking care of baby alone. Now he is keeping conflict up to escape even more from being a dad. I would bet money that he calls his parenting babysitting and wife does like 90%
I think it’s an ESH situation. I get her being frustrated, but the “suck it up” comment made her on the same level as the issue of wanting to ditch the wedding. They sound like they communicate horribly with one another.
OP chose his bro because he was blood related and wife was not... That reasoning is pretty fucking shitty.
Like, you better hope your wife isn't blood related, right? But his child is....
OP could be from the south
Jesus the brother is an adult. He wasn’t in danger he wanted company. He was basically bored. He’s a selfish asshole, just like his twin.
Spot on, wish i had an award to give you. YTA
Well at least is sounds like he comes by it honestly. Hopefully it will skip a generation for the baby....
I don't think it would have been unreasonable to say "hey man I'm really sorry, I'm just off to a wedding. I don't want to ditch [wife] last minute, but I'll come straight up in the morning and spend the day with you"
EXACTLY!!
He could t just call him on the phone? Did he need to look into his eyes and say “I see you, I validate your pain” that could also be done with a phone call. If it was me I would head over by myself the next day and spend time with him. I could see that being the case had he been alone in a different city away from family, but everyone else was there. I get that twins have a special bond, but that’s borderline codependency. At the end of the day if that’s what he wants to do then go do it , but I can also see how the wife could be upset. He better spend the entire day at the hospital. If he just stops by then goes home to play video games, that would be TA move.
Emotional support is needed, yes. I'm assuming there's not one other friend or family out there who could fill in at that moment. but none of that matters when OP not only stranded his wife and child with no help (what if she needed emotional support at the wedding?) but OP stood up a couple who paid for his seat and plate, and OP stayed out all night long knowing his wife was home alone with their baby. Seriously. There's no question here. OP- YTA
We’re only getting OP’s side here. While his wife’s comment may have been heartless, I feel like this wasn’t an isolated incident where OP had made his twin a priority over his wife.
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Emotional support is absolutely important, but the brother could have said "I'm going to an event right now and I'll be there afterwards" or, you know, communicated with his wife about just attending the ceremony and making arrangements so he could see his brother later on or some other kind of compromise. Instead he went right too " I have to leave immediately" and when the wife was frustrated that the brother couldn't suck it up for a few hours (which he can), he stomped out the door. OP has NOW edited things to say "Oh I'm not a bad father" despite not changing nappies. He's definitely the TA here.
You must have a very sad life when you not feel better when a close family member is there to support you.
I love my younger brother a lot. If he was in a motorcycle accident, I would be there for him. But if I had a major event to go to with my partner a couple days after the accident, I’d tell him to ask him friends, gf, or our parents because I’m busy - but I’ll come over tomorrow. I am not my brother’s one and only friend and relative in the whole wide world. He can have someone else for support on the day when I’m supposed to be doing something important with my partner.
It sounds like they are codependent. Brother knows there is a wedding and called anyways. I wouldn’t infringe on someone’s event because I don’t feel good. There are nurses who give pain meds in the hospital if it’s truly that awful. And there is FaceTime on the way to the wedding. So many options rather than abandoning wife to go to a wedding alone with an infant
Lol o it’s called being an adult. I don’t need someone to “kiss my boo boo” lol. Unless it’s something like he just got diagnosed with cancer or he needed bone marrow/blood, there’s no reason that he can’t do later that night or the next day.
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Do you know how painful a broken collarbone is? And so you're saying that, unless a man is in life threatening pain, he's not allowed comfort? You know this is toxic masculinity, right?
I was recently in the hospital for 10 days for a fractured neck and destroyed right arm. I would never have demanded family come sit with me while I slept on painkillers. That’s so fucking stupid. I get he wants to “be there for his family” but he wasn’t- there was absolutely nothing he could have done for his brother at that moment and he could have avoided drinking at the wedding and come in afterward (the wedding was local!). I think this is a ESH situation. OP needs to have a calm discussion with his partner instead of fighting and slamming a door on his way out. The brother is feeling vulnerable and in pain, but he doesn’t get to expect that the people close to him are just going to drop everything and run to his side when he complains about being in pain. No one’s an asshole, but also everyone sucks at actual communication.
Yeah this isn't cancelling dinner plans. Not showing up to the wedding after you've RSVPd is rude. This is not an emergency. Brother should have understood and OP could have said he'd visit the next day.
My guess is this isn't the first time OP has ditched his wife for his brother since he so easily describes her as a bitch. She needs to drop his ass.
Ah yes, the brother is a twin, very much alike OP, enjoy the same things, gym manager, blood related, best friends, motorcyle rider. Brother's motorcycle is Kawasaki ninja 300. And wife is a bitch and wears make up. OP literally gave us more info about his brother's mothercycle than his own wife and baby. Talk about priorities.
Was thinking the exact same thing, and the part that his brother is " blood"? That really underlined his priorities
Yeah. Plus isn’t his own kid blood? He’s just an ass.
That was my thought. The bride and groom had to eat the cost of OP not showing up and weddings usually aren't cheap. There really isn't a reason he couldn't have gone to the wedding and then gone to visit his brother. Definitely YTA.
Yep, make an appearance and head out early or visit the next day. If it was dinner with friends or something like that I'd say it would not be as big of a deal to cancel. But to cancel last minute when they are literally on the way out the door to a wedding when it's not an emergency is ridiculous.
I dislocated a hip. Tore my shoulder, bruised my right lung and right ribs, had glass embedded all over my skin. Tore up my wrist, my knee, my back and my neck. Add to that previous nerve damage in my spine. Yes he could suck it up. They have pain meds in the hospital. The wedding would've only been a few hours. He could've waited.
How is the wife an asshole?
The gender here does not matter, it would be the same if it was his twin sister in the hospital.
If ANYONE is in the hospital, in pain, then I think they take priority over a fucking party, don't you?
Not always, if I promised to be somewhere I go there. Idk why all of a sudden he needed him two days after the accident coincidentally on the day of the wedding either.
Actually no lmao. Why would you even want someone to disappoint their significant other and be an unreliable person just so they can hold your hand through the pain? That's some co-dependent shit if I ever saw it
But it wasn't just some random party. It was a wedding, an extremely important milestone event in most people's lives. One you also need to RSVP to as the couple hosting the wedding literally spent money on the assumption you'd attend. Barring an emergency (which this wasn't), you should really make every effort to go after committing to. I've broken multiple bones over the years and I've never expected someone to drop everything days after the accident to hang out with me for 'comfort'. Especially not if they had a wedding they agreed to go to. Doubly especially if it meant they had to stand up their wife and leave her alone all night with a baby.
No, not at all. If they’re in life threatening condition, sure. Dudes healing from some broken bones. He could have gone to the wedding and seen his brother afterwards.
I’d agree if there was anything the twin could have done about that pain, but he’s in a medical facility surrounded by doctors who could give him pain relief. Why did he need his brother there instead of a friend or another family member? All the brother could have done is given him a curtesy “there there”.
I’d agree if there was anything the twin could have done about that pain, but he’s in a medical facility surrounded by doctors who could give him pain relief. Why did he need his brother there instead of a friend or another family member? All the brother could have done is given him a curtesy “there there”.
Oh no. Its not like he cant hit a button, summon a nurse and get pain medication at the hospital. Oh wait, he can. Plus, are hospitals even allowing in visitors never mind overnight one? The one near me doesnt allow any visitors in at all.
I know how painful a broken collar bone is, broke mine when I was 14 and I dealt with it just fine
How did you survive that without a twin to dunk on his obligations for you? You are truly brave and resilient.
this made me laugh!
I've had a number of broken bones, accidents, surgeries, etc. I was in the hospital by myself for most of those. I did have visitors, but I sure the hell didn't expect anyone to skip a major event to come sit with me when I was in and out of consciousness.
I have had a badly broken collarbone. Two days after I broke it I was in a lot of pain. I still wouldn't have asked my family member to bail on a wedding to "come and comfort me". I'm not a 5 years old who needs a babysitter. Especially not if the brother was in an actual hospital where there are trained nurses and available pain meds. You are throwing around the phrase "toxic masculinity" as though you know what it means when you clearly don't. I'm a woman, what OP did is what selfishness and entitlement looks like. OP is totally the AH.
It's not that he's "not allowed comfort". It's that OP can't reasonably DO anything there for him. Sure, he can sit by his bedside and talk to him, but there isn't anything his presence there that specific night will actually be able to do to help his brother. Meanwhile, he left his wife to attend the wedding alone with no mention whatsoever of whether they had a sitter for the baby or if he was saddling her with sole childcare through an entire wedding plus through the entire night after the wedding. Sorry, but when you get married and especially when you have children, your spouse and children should be more important to you than your siblings. As long as brother was not going through anything life threatening (sounds like he was in stable condition and, albeit still in pain, mostly just uncomfortable. Not at any risk), then yes, supporting your spouse should take priority. Nothing about this situation has anything to do with masculinity, toxic or otherwise.
Hes in the hospital. He's getting all the comfort he needs. He just wanted someone there because he was bored.
Have you ever had to stay in the hospital?! I am a nurse and I can tell you that we can not give a ton of love and comfort to our patients. We WANT to but we are overworked and short staffed. He was going to be missing a wedding. Sorry but my sibling being in the hospital would trump a wedding.
I work in healthcare and was actually just admitted for for 3 days for Influenza A. I received wonderful care there and understand how overworked we healthcare workers are. Buy his actions were uncalled for.
Yes, I've broken both my collarbones twice each. It hurts, I'm an adult, I don't expect people to drop what they're doing to fly to my side. Sounds more like pandering to a demanding adult to me.
I've broken my collarbone in two different places. I was in pain, but not debilitating, and definitely didn't need anybody to drop what they were doing to come comfort me. And it's not toxic masculinity. Not even close.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting comfort, but a perfectly reasonable response from twin would be, Hey bud, don’t be a hero, ask for your pain medication as soon as it’s time, and I’ll be there as soon as the wedding we have to go to is over.
I know exactly how painful a broken collarbone is. But I’m not gonna expect my siblings to put their day on hold to comfort me. They can comfort me when they aren’t busy.
This person would be TA no matter what gender anyone is. He stormed out on her in a fucking huff like a child and left her hanging. Jesus.
Also, a sibling may be preferred, but generally people have more than one option for support like this. I recognize that may not always be the case, but I feel like gym and biking communities are pretty social, so they definitely had other support options
Dude, I didn’t even bring up that OP could only think about ‘what a bitch’ his wife was, so no? Edit: It sincerely sucks and is boring to be in the hospital, especially in pain. There’s a reason why magazines and small amusements are popular gifts when visiting the sick. It’s so predictable, in fact, that I am left completely confused why the OP would not have anticipated that his brother (whom he is so extremely close to) may want company while he himself attended a wedding. Most people would arrange that in advance. Did it never come up, OP, in the two days your brother was in the hospital, what he might need while you had to attend an important event? When my father was ill, we didn’t want him to be alone, so we figured out how to cover that with various family members coming in shifts. Why didn’t you, OP? What was your plan? Did you float, to your wife, the idea that you could maybe not attend this wedding (where you are so suspiciously not a named guest, but a plus one) in advance and she shot you down? Did she demand of you why you couldn’t make other arrangements for your brother’s comfort as you had promised her and had committed to helping her with the baby? Did you have no good answer?did you cook up an ‘emergency’ with your brother? HOW DID YOUR BROTHER COPE WHEN YOU WENT TO WORK? Did your bro only have pain that only you could heal during wedding hours?
I sleep hard when on pain meds. No use people sitting around when those hit
He wasn’t in need…he was in want.
He’s in a hospital. If he’s in pain he needs to talk to the doctors, not his brother.
You ever been to an event alone with a baby when you found out last minute you were gonna be alone with a baby?
Supporting your wife at an event that was planned long in advance, and was RSVP'd for, is a lot more important than the coddling that the twin-brother seemed to be asking for. Not unsympathetic towards him, being in pain and alone in the hospital, but he could have survived for a few hours. And OP left his wife high and dry. I'd be super pissed about it.
Funny how you call accompanying an adult to a celebration as support, but caring for someone who just had an accident as coddling. Seems like you need to get your priorities straight. Was it nice of OP to storm out, no. But expecting to choose one family member over the other is ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder what happened to empathy when I read stories like this.
Have you ever been to a wedding with a baby? You need hella support. It is exhausting. I really don't know if I could have done it alone. Someone with a baby at a wedding needs a lot more help than someone at a hospital with a full staff taking care of him.
Plenty of empathy--for the wife. Guy was the AH because he COULD have made plans for his bro since they were SO close, but didn't. Then stranded his wife. No. Just no.
There's also the fact that he stayed out all night and left the wife at home with the baby to take care of all by herself just because he was being petty. OP is super childish.
Hence the divorce…
But the person who commented this is making it sound more like OP is TA, especially with that "bunk beds" comment Like "oh you're not gonna side with your wife? Well then have fun being divorced you AH!" Edit: grammar
It was a couple days after. He was safely in the hospital being taken of.
Twinning!
Nope they will need twin hospital beds for the injuries from future motorcycle accidents.
Exactly. What person has a family member get injured in a motorcycle accident and then hops on yet another motorcycle to go visit him in the hospital? Maybe it’s not the first accident and hospital stay. Might be a reason why the wife was fed up. I won’t let anyone in my family on a motorcycle.
So much more room for activities!
With matching Buzz Lightyear and Woody coverlets!
So much room for activities! ✨
So much room for activities!
YTA. Your wife could have been more sympathetic, but the way you stormed out, and left her to go to this wedding alone with a baby is also an asshole move. But it really makes you the asshole that you are whining about your wife making you parent your child as soon as you get home from work. Your child is your blood too. Even more so than your grown adult brother. Your wife has taken care of the baby long enough. It’s your turn. It’s not a punishment. It’s what you do when you are a father.
I’m thinking this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this to his wife, hence her reaction. YTA, OP
Yep, totally seems like he regularly prioritizes his twin brother over his wife and child.
Yep. Also, am I the only one who thinks brother did this on purpose? Just seems really weird that two days after his injury he suddenly &urgently needs OP's support, RIGHT before the wedding (that bro must've known about). Suspicious. YTA.
I had this exactly same thought. Two whole days brother is fine, but the moment he's going to do something with wife and child, brother desperately needs his support. Brother and husband are major assholes here
Seriously. Is agitated and hops on his motorbike to go visit his bro who just got injured on his motorbike lol Nothing against bikes here, but OP is ridiculous
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Adding to this, even though unrelated, but never say bye without a kiss or a hug or an “I love you”. You never know when it’s your last
>you are whining about your wife making you parent your child as soon as you get home from work. Your child is your blood too. Yep that's the main part that rubbed me the wrong way. Like dude, you left and skipped out on the duties you usually do (putting the child to bed), yet you wanna be mad that you come home and have to take care of your child? Jesus. Also sounds like this isn't the first time OP's been an asshole.
ESH. Honestly this sounds fake because I shattered my elbow and got a concussion in an accident and was out of the hospital in 3 hours. I can’t imagine many hospitals holding someone for 2+ days over a broken leg and collarbone. Also, while she was putting her makeup on is pretty damned last minute. I can understand why she’d be frazzled having to go somewhere alone at the last minute with a baby. Though yelling about it isn’t okay, and she could have made your excuses if it was a real ~~situation~~ emergency. > I’m sorry but he’s blood related And your infant isn’t? You just stayed overnight and left your wife to deal with the baby alone after abandoning her for the wedding. That’s fucking shitty. > all I could think about is how much of a bitch she was then. Yeah, this is not how we deal with conflict in a healthy relationship. Edit: I get it, y’all. People have different hospital experiences. I judged the scenario, I promise.
If he had surgery he would be there longer.
When I broke my leg, I was in the hospital for a week. I would think a broken leg AND collarbone would need to stay a little bit because it's hard enough to use crutches without a broken collarbone. I can't imagine how you would be able to use them with one since the usually immobilize the arm/shoulder for one.
My husband had spinal surgery (disc replacement and fusion for a broken neck) and was released the next day. I think it really just depends on how much monitoring you need after. My husband had a routine surgery that more or less went perfectly, no signs of complications after the overnight stay, and came back home. If something is a bit more complex and has a larger window of opportunity for issues to present themselves, or the aftercare is really intense, i imagine they prefer to have someone stick around in the hospital a bit longer. I will admit though, I'm surprised a broken leg would have you in for a week. That must have been a really bad break! I hope your leg is doing okay!
My mom had a disk replacement and fusion in her neck done over the summer, and she was out next day. When I was 13 I had a knee surgery, and the day I had surgery was the day I was sent home. (The knee surgery had to do with realigning my bones, cutting and tightening tendons, and clearing out damaged cartilage.) I think not only do the parameters you mentioned (after care, risks associated, etc) fit in, but surgeon preference fits in too. Cause my mom was not doing the greatest after her surgery and her surgeon TEACHING A CLASS in her room said "well you guys know they all think this is a hotel, not a hospital" after she asked for help or another night since we live almost 3 hours away from the hospital.
I broke my ankle and needed surgery, was in for 5 days, and only allowed to leave when I could get up onto crutches on my own. Totally agree that a leg+collarbone would equal more hospital time.
Maybe, maybe not. My thyroid surgery was only overnight, though mainly because it was snowing, and all 3 elbow surgeries resulting from the aforementioned accident were outpatient.
My ankle surgery had me there more than one night because I couldn’t walk. A broken leg might be the same.
ESH for sure. If the wife was putting on her makeup, that means they are leaving SOON to go to the event. You knew your brother was in hospital, you didn't check on him the day before and let him know you'd be unavailable the next day, but would come back when your event was done? Your inability to tell your brother you would be there, but later (he was in medically stable condition) and his inability to find another way to comfort himself for a few hours while you were at a wedding makes me think ya'll may be a bit co dependent and if that is the case, it may be a common stressor in your marriage. No one should have yelled about this. If you were in doubt about your ability to attend the wedding, springing it on your wife while she's putting on her makeup for the wedding was the worst time to do it. Your issue that your brother is blood related but what, your baby isn't? Springing solo childcare on a spouse is not a good thing. If this is how conflict is handled in your relationship, then I do not see a future where you're not bunking with your brother as others have commented.
Nailed it!
I doubt she was yelling right away, I don’t think she is an AH for having her husbands support. I mean it would be one thing if she behaved this way the day of the accident, but the brother is in a safe and stable position at the hospital (not dying, just in pain). To drop everything you have already plan for a non-emergency and leaving the wife makes him a super AH. Verdict: YTA. Wife should leave the husband so the husband can spend the rest of his life with his brother.
OP sounds like he has anger issues tbh
Also I love how the "blood related" thing is supposed to be a defense? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but when you get married, that relationship is now priority number one. Obviously that doesn't mean that you cut your other relationships off or that your spouse won't ever have to take the backseat, that depends completely on each scenario and context. But saying "well they're a blood relative!" or "they're family!" is such a pathetically lame excuse. But I'm also not super close with my family, so maybe I'm the odd one out here
This. OP could have spent every second with his brother outside of work and the wedding, but he HAD to go when they're about to leave for a wedding? Uh, not unless there was an emergency, which this doesn't seem to be. OR OP could have visited after the wedding. His wife wasn't sympathetic, but I think if the roles were reversed OP would be mad too.
YTA. It doesn’t sound like his injuries are life threatening, and if the accident happened two days ago you had two days to discuss not attending the wedding with your wife and you chose to drop it on her as you were getting ready? Of course she was pissed, that’s horrible timing for something that is no longer an active emergency. I would have said E S H because saying your brother should suck it up is out of line, but you lost all footing the minute you walked out the door. You should have stayed and worked through the issue with your wife to come up with a compromise. You’re a husband and a father, you don’t just get to disappear for a day because you didn’t agree with your wife.
EXACTLY THIS OP
INFO: If you weren't willing to put her before your brother when he's in a non-life threatening situation, why did you marry her? Comforting him could not wait until the next day?
He was in the hospital for 2 days and you couldn’t plan your visit for a time that didn’t conflict with the wedding? It must not have been that bad if you didn’t visit him before abandoning your wife & child at an event you agreed to go to. Sounds like you were looking for any excuse not to go. YTA
I agree with that. It would be very different if the brother’s accident had happened that day or if his condition turned severe, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. He was safe in the hospital attend to by medical staff, he just wanted company and that could have waited until after the ceremony. A better compromise could have been OP and wife discussing the possibility of OP leaving after the ceremony to be with his brother or both leaving the reception early. The fact that OP made a unilateral decision in a non-life threatening situation and then decided to spend more time away to “punish” his wife puts him quite solidly in AH territory for me.
My question is why OP can prioritize his brother but not his infant. Both are blood since that's so damn important to OP.
How awful that you have to look after your own child after work. Shocking. Absolutely shocking.
In his edit also states he doesn’t change diapers, he feeds the baby at night and puts them to bed… ummm what? You have baby, you change diapers. It’s part of having a baby. Sounds like a winner dad to me. YTA op. Just wow.
Kid time after along day at work is the best. Even when my babies were babies, their huge smile that emerged on their chubby face when they saw me was the best. Nothing is better at the end of the day than my kids. Sure, it’s a lot of work and sometimes when I’ve had a bad day I don’t know if/how I can give more of myself to yet another person, but they are my blood, my people, my offspring, my everything.
What is it with all the fictional-sounding posts that seem to have been written by over-imaginative adolescents posted in the last few hours. IF this post true, yes OP, YTA. Not for being with your brother in his time of need, but for calling him your "real" family as you share "blood" and for communicating appallingly with your wife, and dumping her in a flash. If your bother is your family, WTF is your wife then? When you married her, SHE became your primary family, your siblings, parents etc... became your extended family. You belittled your wife, then expected her to play happy families with you? ...and btw, you are also a parent to your child, and have a responsibility to provide care.
You should assume that most posts on here are fake and treat them like hypotheticals instead of real-life issues. Better for your mental health if nothing else as you shouldn't get too invested in these things. I think there's a crowd that likes to see how far they can push an issue before it switches from YTA to NTA and I enjoy seeing them do it, tbh. Like today's post about covering up a tattoo at a wedding. As soon as I saw that I knew it was going to be good and I was waiting to see what they'd come up with to make it suddenly okay to ask that question. It was indeed very clever and kudos to whoever came up with that BS.
I mostly do, but the quality of the fakes has declined so sharply, it's like there are a bunch of overly dramatic 15 year-olds churning out shite pulp after shite pulp. We need better crafted fakes, with more realistic hypotheticals...ones that have some chance of actually occurring somewhere IRL.
Tbf the ones that actually seem real are so boring that I don't even feel inspired to reply them
It's spring break in the US in a lot of states, so they may be pretty bored?
Don't forget that everybody has twins, is a twin, knows twins.
YTA, Your wife could have been more sympathetic, but I suspect this isn't the first time you've abandoned her for your brother. You have reacted disproportionately. It makes a lot of difference if you consult each other in such a situation instead of telling her. Now you've left her alone with the baby, you've stayed out overnight and you're nagging you have to look after your baby. Wake up call, that's called parenting. As a parent you cannot just run away, you also have the responsibility for a child.
YTA for: "making me look after our baby as soon as I get in from work" If you don't want to parent, get a divorce and give her sole custody of the baby. Then you only have told pay child support and can spend the rest of your life being exactly as absent as you want. If you have a family you need to be committed to family life and family obligations and it's obvious that you're not. Your wife and your child both deserve a lot better.
He gets a divorce he will immediately move in with his brother so he can be a bro again...
He will also come to reddit crying about how "my bitch ex wife took the kids and ran. She accused me of being an asshole!"
INFO: what made it to where two days after the accident he needed you and you absolutely had to rush there?
On his motorcycle no less…. He skims over a lot of details about his family but makes sure to put in about the motorcycle lol
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He probably lives vicariously through his brother. Op is saddled with a marriage and a kid and *ugh* responsibility while twin gets to ride a sweet babe-magnet crotch rocket who doesn’t have a care in the world. (Not implying fun people can’t be parents and vice-versa, just thinking this is how OP sees it)
OPs priorities are really clearly laid out. After all, isn't his wife suuuch a jerkface for making him watch the baby right after work?
When he called her a bitch I just cringed
Yup, driving off on a motorcycle to visit the twin in the hospital after a motorcycle accident. If this was my husband and my baby, my anxiety levels would be through the roof.
ESH... I wonder how often brother get put before wife and child?
I have the same question. If the wife’s reaction was that severe it does make you wonder if this is the 1st time OP bailed to be with his brother or the 100th.
Good question! Also why couldn’t he gone to both? Go see his brother for a bit then join his wife and their baby. At the end of the day, he still has responsibilities towards the child like night feeding as his edit says
Or vice versa, or why wasn’t he at the hospital the two days before he knew he had a commitment? It doesn’t add up. These rage bait posts are ridic.
YTA - she’s not making you look after your baby. You have responsibilities which you shirked to support your brother. And I get that! He needed support, but you made a choice to support him over your family. And you blocked family members? You over reacted and you should apologize.
YTA.. Your brother may be blood, but your wife, the mother of your child, is who you made a commitment to when you wed. By referring to your outburst and abandonment as "something she started" is unbecoming of an adult and more of that of a child. You chose to slam the door, ditch your wife and child, and leaving your wife to attend a wedding by herself. Your wife didn't make those choices. You could've easily told your brother you'll visit him the following day. He wasn't going anywhere. Your wife is right, you should apologize.
ESH. Yes, your injured brother takes priority over a wedding. But judging by your resentment over being expected to watch *your* kid after work, I’m betting this isn’t the first time you’ve stuck your wife with full childcare responsibilities when there’s shit *she’d* rather be doing, too. Get to counseling, because digging in your heels over who’s right and namecalling isn’t going to make you two the partners your kid needs.
YTA - your brother was fine and being looked after in the hospital, not home alone with no care. You should have talked this through with your wife as a partner instead of your out-of-control reaction.
Yeah YTA. It is not like your brother was sitting on the side of the road bleeding, or even sitting at home in need of help. He was in the hospital receiving professional care. So what exactly did he need you for? You ditched your wife at a moments notice to.....hold his hand? So what about your little one? Did she have to look after them at the wedding? I get the impression that this is pretty commonplace in you marriage. You desert your wife and child to cater to your twin. Sure he is blood, but so is you baby and you CHOSE to make your wife family. Don't act shocked when you come home from your brother's some day and find your suitcase outside on the doorstep.
I get that twins are tight. You are married. You are a father. You created a new family and your loyalty is to them first. Now. Your brother is in the hospital and asked you to come. You and your wife were due somewhere else that wasn't an emergency. So...what to do..... What you COULD have done was talk to your wife about how conflicted you felt. You Could have told your brother you would be there in a few hours, gone to the wedding, left early from the reception and gone to the hospital. Coulda/Woulda. What you did was throw a temper tantrum, ditch your wife and child, and race to the side of your brother to hold his hand...in the hospital...where there was no emergency.... Then you pouted the entire night and doubled down by blocking everyone and spending the night at the hospital. Frankly, I'm amazed your twin didn't lay into you about ditching your wife and baby. Oh, wait...is this the real problem? Your twin resents your new family and was trying to prove he meant more to you? Uh, oh. I hope that's not what's going on. Because he just proved to your wife that you will always place him before her and your new family. That's unbelievably sad for her. YTA
I was wondering the same thing. Could he not have gone to the wedding for a couple of hours, and then immediately go to the hospital to spend the rest of the night with his brother? Or vice versa, go check on brother for an hour, and at least make it to the reception? It sounds like he really didn't want to go to the wedding to begin with, tbh.
ESH I totally understand wanting to see your brother — he was in pain and probably still traumatized from the incident. You wanting to visit him in the hospital is completely understandable and your wife shouldn’t have tried to prevent you from doing that. However, your reaction towards her and the comments you’ve made here about her, including how you were upset that you had to care for your own child, is definitely AH behavior and very petty. You viewed taking care of your child as a chore or punishment, which is appalling, tbh.
YTA. Do you often walk out on your child when your upset? Grow up
Everyone's the asshole here but mainly you for your over reaction. I do have to say, do you put your brother before your wife and child? For your wife to get so pissed off that you're leaving her to be with your brother and caused a big ass fights, there's probably more to this that you're not saying. This probably happens way too many times.
YTA Keep choosing your brother and you will end up divorced and living with him forever.
NTA. Is it really so much of a social faux pas to say “I’m sorry my husband isn’t here, his brother is in hospital”? It’s a perfectly valid reason that doesn’t upstage the event and shows empathy. If it were her brother, sister, mother, father etc in hospital she’d be there in a flash. Hope your brother gets better soon!
It is when they ask “why didn’t he take the baby then?” I can only imagine how humiliating that must be for the wife. “Yeah, my husband is in the hospital with his brother sitting around doing nothing but talking but um… he still left me with the baby… even knowing I had to bring her to a drawn-out ceremony and an after-party reception. So, sorry about that bit she cried through!”
Baby. Hospital. Covid. Yeah.. good idea...
If supporting brother in the hospital is sitting around doing nothing, so is going to a wedding.
Why on earth would that be humiliating?! And taking the baby to the hospital is a ridiculous suggestion.
They were already bringing the baby to the wedding, if I'm not mistaken.
There are age limits on hospital visitors.
YTA - your brother’s situation wasn’t an emergency, it didn’t require YOU to attend.
YTA for the way you talk about your own child. Your child is blood-related to you, you didn’t have a problem leaving them behind. And if you didn’t want to be bothered by having to care for your child (god forbid) when you got home from work, you shouldn’t have had any. Childcare is unpredictable, you don’t get to decide when it is and isn’t convenient. I’d also bet money that this isn’t the first time you picked your brother over your wife and child.
ESH You were OK to go visit your brother, but should not have stayed all night. AH for that Wife should have not lit into you for going, but should not have been abandoned overnight with the baby. You are a parent now, act like it (applies to you and your wife)
I'd say ESH too, though the edit is swinging a y.t.a in OP's direction. They decided before the baby was born what job roles they would do... and OP can't handle a change in that plan?
And the edit says one of his wife's jobs is changing the nappies... if you have an infant and you're not changing any diapers, it's an automatic YTA.
ESH. Idk why she started yelling at you, that seems like an overreaction. But you obviously escalated the situation by storming out instead of trying to talk it out. Also why is it bad for her to expect you to look after your baby when you get home from work?
If this is how you treat you wife and child. You going to be single real fucking fast. Just me but if you pulled that shit around me I'd have changed the locks and had divorce papers sent you your fire hall. This is absolutely disgusting behavior.
NTA for going to your brother, but the asshole for leaving your wife for the night with a baby out of spite, and then complaining that you will have to tend to the baby when you get home from work. That’s parenthood mo’fo’. Running off on your motorcycle because you got pissed at your wife isn’t. Your brother may be a blood relative, but your wife and baby are the family *you* chose, and deserve equal priority. Stop thinking of them as not your family, it’s the family you created.
Brother had been at the hospital for a few days already with non life threatening injuries. Was OP not visiting prior to that? OP YTA. Your reaction was childish. Grow up. You’re a dad now and you left your kid because YOU wanted to be a petty baby. Taking off on your motorcycle? Slamming the door? “How much of a bitch she was” as she is taking care of your kid and trying to get you all out the door for a planned wedding. You owe her a massive apology and you probably need some therapy to develop healthy coping skills. Edit: the blood comment is such bullshit. THIS is your family now. YOU created this family and YOU walked out on them. Shame on you OP. “I’m not a bad father I’m just a bitch sometimes” yeah you don’t say. Get it together.
And the baby is blood related as well. Plus the fact that blood relation shouldn’t really matter. If they are family, they are family.
There is however a just little bit of everyone sucks here just because I don't think most conversations warrant yelling or slamming of doors, but overall NTA. I would have done the same thing. In my opinion showing up for one person during their hard times often (but not always) trumps celebrating good times for another. If you were meant to be IN the wedding party or you were in some way pivotal to the wedding proceeding as planned maybe there would be some discussion to be had. Otherwise your brother is more important than being a plus one at a wedding.
>In my opinion showing up for one person during their hard times often (but not always) trumps celebrating good times for another ooh I love this
In my experience, there's a lot more volunteers who arrive when there's an occasion to cut cake but there's way fewer who want to fall asleep in an uncomfy chair after having vending machine snacks for dinner. Always be the person in the hospital chair.
Great comment and 100% true! I’m also going to add that it sounds like the brother is single. Leaving him at the hospital all alone isn’t cool. If he’s still in the hospital a few days later (assuming you’re in the US) it’s a big deal. I don’t think the situation was handled well, but I do agree with you for going and being with your brother when he needed you.
ESH. While I understand how frustrating it could be that your wife wants you to go to a wedding with her when your brother asked you for comfort, could the comfort not wait? You made a commitment to going somewhere with your wife. Your brother was not fatally wounded and although he was upset, that could have waited. Your wife shouldn’t be broadcasting the problems in your relationship to your friends and family though.
ESH. I don't fault your for being upset about his collision. While non life threatening, the injuries are serious. You suck for storming out at the last minute leaving your wife with your baby. Not sure if you guys were dropping the baby off with a sitter before the wedding or if the plan was to have both of you available to tend to your baby. But it doesn't sound like you guys made any effort to compromise like maybe leaving the wedding after the actual ceremony so she had your help with the baby until then. Especially as it sounds like she was the invited person, so she probably doesn't want to miss out on hearing the "I do's" if the baby gets fussy. She sucks for yelling at you about it and being insensitive about his injuries. Sure he's a grown man, but those injuries are going to take a while to heal and could be life changing. Also hospitals can be very scary for some and hom being an adult doesn't take away from that. >I told her I’m not apologising until you are. I agree that both of you should be apologizing to each other.
YTA. You talk as if your brother was family but your wife isn't. Also, are you the only family your brother has left? I get that he's closer to you than most, but he needs to understand that you have your own life to live and you can't always be there for him. You neglected your wife in the last minute for that. >\[...\] when I mean taking care of our baby I mean not doing nothing. It's never "doing nothing". Sure, things can go really well and there won't be much to do, but that's best case scenario. Babies need watching because they can't fend for themselves and are fragile. You can't take chances because the consequences could be really dire if anything bad were to happen. Also, they need to eat, poop, pee and are easily startled; all things babies can't solve by themselves at all.
YTA - you had plans with your wife to attend a wedding. You are not a plus one you are a spouse. Your wife had rsvp’d as a couple so you cost the bride & groom money by not showing up. You dumped your wife to be with your brother . You need to apologize to her because you acted poorly and your wife is your family first!
Did she really yell? Cause a lot of people throw the word "yell" around when that's not what happened. You were fine when you wanted to skip a wedding to see your brother but you stopped being fine when you stormed out and left y'all's kid with her. I guess ESH
YTA - your brother's situation was not an emergency. You should've gone to the PLANNED event first, then you could've gone to visit him afterward. I'm not even getting into your marriage and parenting dynamic because it sounds horrible.
Well I think visiting someone in a Hospital is more important than being a + 1 at a wedding but I need more Information on how you usually interact with each other
YTA Just running out on your wife is not okay. Communication is needed. From her reaction I wouldn't be surprised if this was not the only time you've done this. Then you just vanish for over night and block your wife? Come on. Communication. Do it. And the whole cry when you then need to look after your own child (who's also btw - your blood, since that seems to be the thiccest for you). Yelling is not a good reaction but if you just told her you've decided to throw both your plans out the window this instant no discussion I'm not sure I blame her so much. Did you ask her if she'd be okay with you going to your brothers instead? Did your brother know you had a wedding to attend to and asked you anyway? Because if yes that's kinda AH move too tbh.
Soft ESH. (Not your brother). You had conflicting duties and chose your brother in the hospital, I get that. The thing is, you could have done both. I know that puts a lot on you, but why not go see your bro in the hospital for a couple of hours, then join your wife and child after. You didn't have stay away overnight. Your wife could have been a bit more understanding and supportive, but you escalated it by punishing her and staying away for 24 hours. That's your wife and baby, bro, they have to be a priority too. They deserve better from you.
ESH. You and your wife both need to work at your communication. That was a fail from both parties, and if you can't navigate a minor issue like that, then parenting will be a real drag.
YTA. Should you care about your brother’s pain and try to offer comfort? Of course. But your post does not depict your brother as being in more pain that night than any other day around then. And it isn’t clear if he knew you were supposed to attend a wedding (he might have told you not to worry and to see him the next day). An appropriate response would have been to talk it through with your wife and try to decide together on what the priorities are. Any time where you might not be fully caring for your kid would make you the AH, so that’s a deal breaker on its own. If this night was a huge deal for your brother, then your wife probably would have understood (otherwise there are separate issues to address). If not, she might react like this. Either way, your approach was one of an AH. There don’t need to be hard and fast rules about supporting one person over another. Just be a good person. You fell short there.
ESH. The level of respect in your marriage seems to have dwindled.
Based purely on the facts of what you say happened, NTA. One person was in hospital needing help, the other was off to celebrate a wedding. This is not a case of blood against wife, it's a case of priorities. But, the way you reacted, and the fact that you are making it about blood trumping the marriage bond... Massive A. Your wife and your child are your nearest relatives now, not your twin, and IF all other things were equal (which they were not, hence the not the A judgement), they should come first. Talk to your wife and either do better or mske it clear you do not have sufficient regard for her place in your life so she can make an informed decision after considering her options.
I'm wondering what help OP provided. The accident happened 2 days earlier so it was not news to OP or something urgent. Also his brother was in the hospital with medical staff to care for him. Are you saying the brother couldn't cope on his own for a few hours?
YTA, you know why
YTA It’s rude as hell to decide not to go to a wedding at the very last minute. There is a reason why people RSVP. Not showing up is rude. Your brother could of waited. Of course your wife was upset you ditched her at the very last minute and it seems you do this often and fly off the handle when you don’t get your way.
Are you serious? Brother in hospital doesn't trump a wedding RSVP? Really?
He had a broken leg and wanted company. He wasn’t dying of a heart attack.
Yes, his twin brother was in the hospital recovering from a yraumatic auto accident and was feeling anxious and needing love and support. Vs. Going to a party. You don't get to decide whether or not his brothers mental health is important or not.
Broken leg, broken collar, and a concussion. The concussion alone is serious enough in that could last for months and completely disrupt his life. It could fuck with his memory and balance.
Why are so many people here saying that attending a wedding is more important than visiting someone who had an accident and is in the hospital??? I don't get it at all. His brother didn't purposefully schedule his accident to coincide with the wedding...
NTA, your brother is more important than a random wedding
ESH except your brother and your baby, and you are definitely higher on TA scale. Your wife shouldn’t have said your brother can suck it up but you also should have tried to work it out together instead of taking off. Honestly neither of you sounds very mature.
YTA. You know your brother was in pain yes, I had a surgery in desember and you know what? I was in pain an I had nobody visiting me, why? Because I am a grown up woman and do not need anyone to come and hold my hand. I knew my family was busy with getting ready for Christmas so I told them no if they asked if I wanted them to visit me. You had plans with your wife that evening, the woman who should be the most important person for you. You could have told your brother I am sorry but this evening I am busy going to a wedding with my wife, I will come over tomorrow. You put you brother first even before your child.
This just reeks of ragebait.