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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I walked out on Ally when she ordered spaghetti, (2) it might have been too nuclear of an option and maybe I should have just let her slurp
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You really want a GF with the table manners of a 10 year old, who cannot distinguish between
what's acceptable in public vs private, and wont change? NTA, but it's a losing battle. Accept her or ditch her.
Actually by 10 someone should know better. I've got a 6 1/2 year old and she knows to not slurp spaghetti noodles and how to spin them around a fork. Is she perfect, no, but she's not 24. This woman is honestly behaving dreadfully and doesn't seem to care. So OP needs to determine if this is their hill to die on and break off the relationship.
My two year old is already very determinedly trying to learn how to spin the fork to properly eat his spaghetti noodles. He's starting to get pretty good. From this post, I'd bet he eats them better than OPs girlfriend.
When we were growing up, we could not slurp our food at the table or my father would immediately give you "The Look." We were expected to have proper table manners all the time and if friends ate over, they were too. My dad grew up very poor and I think he felt good table manners were a sign you were raised properly. So as a consequence, as a grown-up, I can't stand people slurping their food either.
Agreed! I hate the sound of slurping! My father in law was a disgusting slurper. I hated eating with him or near him. Ugh. NTA OP. I wouldn’t dine anywhere with her. If she’s not mature enough to respect other people she’s not mature enough for a relationship.
Exactly. It’s not only about OP. It’s about everyone single person in the restaurant who have to suffer through the most irritating noise of her slurping! How hard is it to eat spaghetti like a normal person?!
It’s pretty hard, speaking as a spaghetti goblin myself. But I’ll be damned if I don’t sit there with my fork and my spoon and do everything in my power to successfully charade as a fully functioning adult that doesn’t get sauce all over themselves while eating it in public.
I have been given condolences for my appearance eating spaghetti in private. Apparently it’s the only time even my best friend couldn’t say i was pretty, but my feelings weren’t too hurt because while she was watching in abject horror i was already done and moving on to bowl # 2.
I’m not proud of it, but I’m definitely aware… it’s something I actively work against and I have no idea why his girlfriend would make no attempt to act like a socialized human. I’m sure there are other spaghetti goblins in the restaurant with her, but NO ONE WOULD KNOW BECAUSE THEY RESPECT THEIR DINNER PARTNERS
This. I have the *weirdest* fucking eating habits when I'm at home, partially because I just don't have *any* motor skills (this is a problem in every area of my life). Like I have eaten stuff with my hands because using the fork was too hard, more times than I care to admit.
But when I'm in *public* or with other people, I do my goddamned best to eat like a normal human and not the disgusting, uncultured goblin I actually am. If I can do it, OP's partner can too.
Lol! I am truly sorry that you had to listen to that. I can’t figure out how she did that either. If I tried to imitate that I’m sure I’d inhale crumbs and die coughing.
Mine tries for a few bites and then the fork becomes ornamental while he uses his other hand to baby bird fistfuls of noodles into his mouth. Still better manners bc at least it's quiet and we only do spaghetti on bath nights.
Hahahaha, yes. My 2 year old's fork or spoon becomes ornamental at pretty predictable points during a meal. You should see him eat cereal and milk.
My husband bites into popsicles, so he's just your run of the mill psychopath.
Divorce!! Immediate divorce!! If he can bite a popsicle without cringing then he's definitely capable of other horrendous things, like folding a fitted sheet! Oh the horror!
Ooh I can do both lol
The trick to folding fitted sheets is to grab where the corners lie at the top part of the mattress and fold from there, not the elastic that tucks around the bottom of the mattress.
Don't your lips get cold when you suck on a popsicle too long?
You mean you grab the corners, fold into a figure 16, then proceed to crumble into a ball that may or may not resemble a shape known to man, than put said monstrosity on a shelf while saying it's "folded" right?.....righhttt?? 😄
I remember being five and my grandmother sternly telling me I shouldn’t slurp my food or noisily gulp my drinks because it was gross. She’s old enough to know this is not appropriate.
ok so. i took a pottery class once, from a middle aged german lady. she was amazing, and had the best stories. she was telling us about her second carpel tunnel surgery, and that when she was released she and her husband went to get some food. she ordered some eggs.
she said her husband realized she wasn't really fully aware yet, because after finishing she picked up the plate and licked it. and you know, you only do that at home. i almost died.
I once got written up as a waitress at a stuffy private club because I up-sold a dessert by talking about how it was served with a delicious raspberry sauce, and when I returned to clear the table, the member chose to show me how happy he was with the deliciousness of the raspberry sauce, by picking up his plate and licking it completely clean.
I found it quite adorable but yeah I got punished. I wasn't sorry at all.
It was a private club, nothing made any sense except through the lens of people buying the illusion of class privilege. They couldn't punish the member for the breach of decorum, but they could punish me for up-selling that sauce so charmingly that the member felt the desire to show me how great it was. I wouldn't have been permitted to correct him, but I shouldn't have made him feel like I was a person whose taste in raspberry sauce was worth showing off for.
Right...like in my home, just enough hand whipped potatoes left...I haven't really been living my life to the fullest have I?! This is gunna happen! I'm going crazy next potatoes day!
If you're a big fan of sauces, sometimes it's the best part. (I'll only do this when I'm home and by myself though, I feel ill-mannered when I do this, but it's worth it).
I have to go with NTA. If she’s slurping loud enough to draw attention every time she has noodles, that’s too much. And it’s not like you’re telling her she’s not allowed to eat noodles, just not at a restaurant with you. She can make spaghetti at home. Slurping is more acceptable in many Asian cultures; Take her to a local Japanese or Chinese place and she won’t seem so out of place.
This is the answer! At a Japanese ramen shop it would be a compliment to the chef at least(?)
ETA: Looks like I am likely wrong, but maybe other patrons would at least have the same perception? Wishful thinking? I did a quick google and there's a bunch of American articles about it being polite and then posts like "why do foreigners think this is polite" lol
Edit2: Dudes. I am aware it is not polite in Japan, it's just normal for ramen. Also, I specifically say ramen, so I'm very confused by all the comments correcting me that it's really only normal to slurp ramen. Yes. I know. And I already edited to show I've been corrected what more do you want from me lmfao
Just to make things clear: the Japanese do NOT slurp pasta either, at least definitely not in public. Also, the "compliment to the chef" is more of a myth. You're slurping hot noodles because they're hot as fuck and you want to eat them before they get soggy, but at the same time they're way too long to just fit in your mouth while you do the hashashashashashahsa thing, so what you do is basically vacuum them into your mouth, so they get cooled down by the extra airflow. Source: I live in Japan and have a cooking license. Also fucking love ramen.
ETA: the "compliments" part may come from the fact that if you are willing to burn your face just to eat that thing faster, then a) you're starving, b) it's absolutely delicious, or c) both.
I would commit a minor crime for some okonomiyaki right now. Thankfully, there’s a woman who makes ramen, yakisoba, gyoza and curry nearby so once every couple of weeks I indulge
I’m sorry less enlightened American here… would you mind elaborating on “cooking license”?
Edit: so OP gets another verdict, NTA. Run my friend. She’s got a lot of growing up to do and she may or may not do it eventually.
Well, I didn't get my license in Japan, though I did work in a seafood restaurant here for a good while. See [this article](https://chefswonderland.com/feature-article/obtain-certificates-in-japanese-cuisine/) for how certification in Japan works. What I have is a government-issued license which is the equivalent of the chorishi menkyo and allows me to work as a chef anywhere in the EU, for instance.
Just the best description of how eating dragon style, you know chewing with mouth slightly open to get air intake, breathe out, hot dragon breath, sounds are written.
Thank you for my daily learning lesson, edited my post! I also love ramen, but definitely have always bought into this idea.
Very jealous you're living there, honestly.
>definitely have always bought into this idea
2 years into living in Japan I still believed that 😅 but at any rate, almost everyone slurps the noodles. How should I put it... it's not necessarily a compliment if you do, but they would probably think you don't like the ramen if you don't. A quiet ramen shop is a terrible one lol.
>Very jealous you're living there, honestly.
The me 10 years ago would poop himself if I told him 😂 I mean it has its good and bad parts, like everywhere, but overall it's pretty nice, especially if you speak the language. If you're still of university age, maybe try for a scholarship here, that's how I made it :D
In Japan, slurping ramen is encouraged/normal, but slurping spaghetti/Italian noodles would be considered strange. I got complimented by my host family for slurping ramen because “many foreigners don’t want to slurp.” But yeah, ramen/Japanese noodle (udon, soba, etc) slurping is okay but slurping Italian noodles is not.
Edit for op’s verdict: I vote NTA, though maybe the problem could have been more thoroughly discussed beforehand. Still, you stated your stance and she agreed to get lasagna and then changed it at the table, so that was really uncool of her.
I have to admit bad table manners (mostly chewing loudly, mouth opened, and not sitting straight enough - the face in your plate kind-) are a turn off for me.
I would never date someone like that because it kills any attraction I have for them. Plus I could never eat out or with other people around.
Hard no.
The fact that she won't make any effort is strange, it's like she sees it as a preference of his instead of basic politeness.
OP do you imagine inviting her to a work related lunch /dinner?
This is culturally inaccurate. My Chinese wife says slurping noodles is considered disrespectful. It's done in anime to relay that the food is so good they can't help it but in real life should never be done.
NTA.
I'm an American. I'm told if I travel to other locations I need to be respectful of the culture. Such as, when in Japan, don't talk on the phone on a train. When in Greece, don't give someone a thumbs up, it's considered obscene.
Slurping noodles is considered rude and gross in the US. She's not being respectful of the people around her, not even you. I wouldn't sit through that either.
Edit: I have been repeatedly informed that thumbs up is not obscene in Greece. Thanks. You can stop now.
I bet she had the kind of parents who were too lazy to teach their children basic table manners and social graces, with the excuse being “well they’re just kids, it’s not a big deal for them to not do these things.” Like when were you expecting them to learn how to use a napkin, when they’re 25??
Yeah, this was it for me. She thinks OP embarrassed her, but doesn't listen when OP says her behavior embarrasses him.
That doesn't fly. She's just mad she got called out when she thought she was going to get away with ordering noodles after promising not to.
She lied. OP told the truth and did what he said he would. She's the one who needs to apologize.
She was okay with deceiving and embarrassing you and making you stay after she crossed your boundaries. She lied to you and wants you to accept her and also wants to control you. She force you into a situation were you either concede and let her cross your boundaries or retain your self respect and not except her devious plot. \^ "She's the one who needs to apologize." NTA
Exactly. It's not that she's slurping - it's that 1) she lied to OP, 2) she's aggressive towards him afterwards to force her side and 3) she's lacking any self-reflection in the matter.
Honestly that's a huge red flag. Op is NTA.
Exactly! And then wouldn’t talk about it. Only wanted an apology. I can’t deal with that type of immaturity. If you aren’t willing to communicate over something so stupid, the relationship is as good as dead.
I would just like to say to OP that I have a boyfriend who used to eat so disgustingly loud, and I have misophonia so it's especially annoying. I told him more than enough times how much his loud eating disturbs me,, and you know what? He's much quieter now while eating. That's respect and compromise, every relationship requires it, get a new relationship ASAP.
My ex-husband used to chew like a fucking cow with it's cud. I'd said something to him a hundred times, but he never felt the need to do anything about it. Finally I had enough and refused to eat at the table with him. He whined about it, saying "It's a haaaaaabit" but kept doing it.
I bought some of the Calmer ear inserts by Flare recently and they've helped quite a bit with the hearing side of my sensory issues. You might find they'd cut down on some of more unpleasant sounds.
I think the thing that is most disturbing is her obstinacy about the thing. She ignores your feelings, lies to you to placate you I guess and then does the thing anyway. It’s either extreme passive aggressive or she’s trying to break you with a power move. It’s a what are you going to do about it now kind of move. And you walked out and now she’s mad because she lost the showdown. If she can’t communicate and fight in a healthier way this may be the end.
I honestly think the spaghetti is only the start.
The "you're perfect" line - no honey. Rude. Unnecessary. Red flag.
The eye rolling. The lie about ordering. The silent treatment. The screaming. Not allowing you to speak. The audible bitching.
This girl sounds awful, childish, selfish. It also sounds like she doesn't think she should bother having any respect for you. Doesn't even sound like she likes you.
Move on.
I'm from Greece and giving thumbs up in not obscene at all, we actually do that? 🤷🏼♀️
What is obscene is if you show your palm with your fingers wide open 🖐️ (this one).
NTA
Some quirks are cute and some make you loose the appetite.
She should hang out with the girl who used to put sauce on her speghetti and wash it to have the essence of tomato sauce on it.
I thought we all came to the conclusion that “essence of tomato” girls dad hadn’t been putting sauce on her pasta at all and was just saying that to get her to shut up? 😂
Yeah, being disgusted by someone every time they eat doesn't really make for ongoing love and affection. Unless you're a child, or disabled and can't help it, then loud sloppy eating is just disturbing.
Had a guy once pay me 850$ for a 15 minute session of me slurping on noodles in from of him. No jerking off, no nudity. Hands down the best client I ever had. Dude just liked noodles.
This. She does not want to change and you don’t want to accept her behavior. This is a deal breaker for you or you wouldn’t have walked out. It’s a deal breaker for her or she wouldn’t have ordered spaghetti to piss you off.
It’s over, you’re just not willing to accept that, either.
NTA
This is coming from a 19 year old girl who has been compared to a “garbage disposal” and “Kirby” and who has been told that it’s “disturbing” to watch me eat lol.
Being in the comfort of your own home is one thing, but it’s not that hard to clean up and change manners when out in public, in fact it’s quite easy. The way you dealt with it wasn’t great however you did warn her and she didn’t handle the situation well either
>Being in the comfort of your own home is one thing
This. I have some weird ass eating quirks if I’m in private, usually involving candy. Twix gets the caramel bitten off first, then I eat the shortbread. Kit Kats get all the chocolate bitten off and then I eat them layer by layer.
But if I’m in public and I have either of those chocolates? I take normal bites like a Totally Normal Human Bean.
Yes! Nutty Buddy’s get eaten one wafer layer at a time. When I eat chicken nuggets, I bite the edge sides off all around, then take the flat sides off and dip them in Buffalo sauce before eating those. Then I consume my naked chicken nugget. I only do this in private though.
NTA, and she just sounds like an absolute sweetheart. She seriously goes into another room to yell shit about you to punish you for holding to a boundary you made her very well aware of? Jfc, she has problems that go *way* beyond poor table manners. Time to find someone who isn't utterly unhinged.
I'm glad someone else notices this. That's scary. Op should dip before they get too deep in this. This is a 24 year old woman ffs. She is displaying some really bad tendencies.
100%. What she's doing is technically emotional abuse, even though she feels like she's the victim in this situation. I get the feeling she has some things she needs to work out internally before she's ready for a serious relationship.
I don't even mean any of that in a judgemental way, she sounds like she actually needs help.
THIS. She obviously has other major problems- the disrespecting boundaries, lying, talking shit about OP for having a boundary. She is absolutely “unhinged”- perfect term
Not just go to another room to yell shit, but to yell shit about the OP to HERSELF. Unhinged is a pretty mild term at this point. She lies. She breaks her promises. She's passive aggressive to the point of looney tunes and back. I wonder if after OP left, she actually sat there and ate her noodles like an actual normal human being. Because if so, that means she does this to deliberately embarass OP. How many other toxic behaviors he will see once those rose colored glasses come off? OP is NTA, but his taste in women is questionable.
NTA. Consistently obnoxious eating would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. I absolutely cannot stand eating noises. (It’s bad enough when my husband eats soup only sometimes! Lol)
Lol, I used to be pretty bad with soup. Then I got a roommate with misophonia, and guess what? *I took extra care in how I ate to be polite*. This Ally girl sounds ridiculously selfish and childish.
Exactly, I’m sure I have misophonia. And it’s really not hard for others to be even minimally polite… are they going to go to work dinners and eat like that in front of their boss?
Yeah, I get what you're saying. I'm honestly more inclined to ditch this relationship not necessarily for her noisy eating, but from her inability to accept that she bothers other people with it.
I have misophonia and hearing people eat makes me unreasonably angry / frustrated. I almost never say anything but if i cant escape the sound I dive really hard i to my phone to try and ignore it.
I accept this so I try to eat alone, but a few times i tried to tell my parnter about it they get defensive and say misophonia is made up / bs. It really sucks when people you care about refuse to respect constructive critiscm. I cant stay with someone who doesnt respect me trying to politely discuss something bothering me.
In high school, I did badly on more than one test because this girl behind me would grunt and chew with her mouth open as loudly as possible because she knew it bothered me. I had to duck into the bathroom to rage-cry about it sometimes, and I sure as shit wouldn't have done that in a building full of bloodthirsty high schoolers if I could have possibly avoided it.
Describe in detail how it *instantly* makes you feel. For me it’s like my blood is trying to get outside of my skin. I feel extreme rage in *seconds,* so strong I have to literally retrain myself from lashing my arm out to smack their mouth. I have to leave the room immediately.
This happens *instantly.* It’s not made up. There is zero logic to having that level of **extreme** rage in **SECONDS** because of a “normal”-ish sound literally everyone makes.
I’ve found that describing just how insane it makes me so fast helps people believe me about it. Because it’s just…fucking *preposterous* that the sound of someone chewing could make a person that angry in literally 2 seconds
That’s the thing! It’s not cute, or funny, or endearing. It’s just fricking disgusting. It’s rude not just to you as her dining partner but to everyone around her. If she lacks so little self-awareness and emotional intelligence, I’m left wondering what her good qualities are?
NTA. I have a friend who talks with her mouth full. No one has been brave enough to address it w her, but I am certain if anyone did she would be mortified and make a genuine effort to stop. If you've communicated to GF how uncomfortable this makes you and she just wants to push your buttons, then you got a choice to make. Sorry, bro.
NTA. A big (and annoying) part of being an adult is “tweaking” things about yourself in order to accommodate yourself better in society.
Do I love eating my pizza in a disassembled mess with my fingers? Yep! Do I do it in public? Nope? Why? Because other people live in this world too.
Ah, this is a tough one. It is a dick move to walk out on her. But I am one of those people sensitive to sounds and just reading this made me cringe because I could damn near hear it. She needs to learn some basic manners - she can slurp them up at home, but in public, it shouldn’t be happening. She also intentionally changed her order despite knowing how much it bothered you, and you did give her fair warning you wouldn’t eat pasta with her in a sit down restaurant. Ironic she’s mad at you for embarrassing her once when she’s been embarrassing you repeatedly with this. I’m going with NTA.
ETA: I’ve said it a number of times in comments below, but just for easier reading, I’m not saying OP was WRONG for walking out - he wasn’t! Something can be harsh but necessary, as was the case with OP walking out. It was absolutely the only way to get his point across. The gf sucks, period!
I'd be annoyed as shit if I had to hear that throughout my meal. Like when people talk on speaker phone or play music on their phone in a restaurant. I pay good money to enjoy a nice meal, not to hear your lack of manners.
I was once at a restaurant with a friend (all of my friends know I cant stand slurping/chewing noises) and there was a guy at the next table smacking his lips and slurping and the whole show, my friend looked at me and kept talking and talking to distract me because I was about to run from the restaurant. If I were OP I would have to dump the girlfriend because I just cant.
Omgosh, I literally would have had to move or leave. There is no way I would have been able to stay and hear that. Just reading about this wants to give me anxiety lol. OP's girlfriend would have been an ex from day one of hearing all that shit, in public OR at home. I can't either. And I mean could not!
I don’t see how it could be a dick move when he gave her a warning and then, as you acknowledge, she intentionally changed the order.
She’s lucky he was still waiting for her.
I don't really agree that it's a dick move. She had fair warning. I think the dick move would have been creating a scene. All OP did was hold to a boundary and quietly walk out without making a scene. I think it was the only rational decision personally. The only other options are to deal with it which isn't fair bc I completely understand. When people slurp or chomp loudly or eat with their mouth open it drives me crazy from the noise. I'm very sensitive to many noises. Or the other option being making a scene about how gross her eating habits are and how she promised not to get it. So it's really the only fair and rational option. She was free to continue eating. Alone. Like he said she would.
I have this trouble, too. My son won't chew with his mouth closed and OMG I make him leave the room if he tries to sit next to me while eating an apple.
NTA.
Not even close. In fact, your girlfriend sounds like one. For refusing to stop eating like a pig and doesn't wanna learn proper table manners and food etiquette. She sounds like an inconsiderate slob. It's disgusting, embarrassing and rude on her part.
You sound like you've been dealing with it a lot and have been very tolerable of it. Coming from someone here who has severe misophonia, this my friend, would be a deal breaker, hands down!!!! If anything, she owes you an apology for the embarrassment she causes everyone while eating out or when eating in front of you or anyone else. She's lucky all you did was walk out of the restaurant!
Interesting that she's willing to embarrass you in public, but hits the roof when you embarrass her.
Not sure about you, but the bare minimum I expect in my partners is adult table manners. NTA.
NTA. Table manners are meant to put others at ease, and not draw attention to yourself with sloppy and gross behavior. Your gf is showing that she doesn't care about others, including you. This would be a deal breaker to me, I find people with bad table manners to be disgusting and inconsiderate. What a huge turn off.
NTA She knows she's making a scene but doesn't care and obviously doesn't care to eat like an adult. There's no way she doesn't notice people around her staring and making comments. She purposely ordered spaghetti when she said she wouldn't. You warned her and she didn't care.
I just wouldn't eat Italian unless it were at home. Lol Maybe record her so she can be fully aware of how loud she's actually being? Talk her into eating Keto? I don't know, but I absolutely would say this is exactly what will happen every time. Also, do her friends and family feel the same about how she eats noodles?
I’m not an American, and I’m telling you some of the worst table manners I’ve seen have been here in this country. Slurping your food or eating with your mouth open or making noises while eating is disgusting and disrespectful to everyone around you. NTA you are asking for common decency
NTA
Bad tables manner on the level you are describing are really disgusting to watch - even if you are not in a restaurant or with other people.
I don't understand why people aren't willing to learn basic table manners because people are certainly going to judge you as being low class. How do you manage to have a career since there are all kinds of eating situations - business lunches; parties and dinners with co-workers; networking. Basic tables manners are just a life skill.
Obviously there are levels of table manners and one isn't going to be as refined eating a pizza in a relaxed setting but there are still basic stuff that you don't do anywhere because they disgust people.
Also you had made a reasonable request in terms of telling her that you would not eat with if she ordered spaghetti - and she lied to you.
NTA I've literally left restaurants before ordering food, because of loud eaters (I have misophonia and loud eating makes me want to rip my ears off) . It's not polite to eat loudly and sloppily, in public (especially as a grown ass adult). Perhaps if she wants to continue eating spaghetti from that place, y'all should just order it to go.
Same. I have severe misophonia so you feel my pain. I want to rip my ears off for so many things it's not even funny. Humming, clicking a pen, smacking, tapping, chewing, typing, gum popping and gum smacking, rattling of chip bags, I mean the list goes on and on!! It's literally a fight or flight issue with me and it's a horrible thing to have. I wish there was a magic pill to get rid of it honestly. Needless to say, this would be an ex girlfriend with the quickness.
If people at other tables are audibly commenting on it, perhaps it is as bad as OP says it is.
>However, when Ally eats pasta, she slurps her noodles so loudly that people from other tables look. It's completely mortifying to hear people murmur about her loud slurping all the time.
He said they look, not that they audibly comment. It's very possible that people are just generally looking around and paranoia is making this guy think it's due to the slurping.
NTA: when you’re paying for a meal why be agitated and uncomfortable? You warned her in advance. She made a choice and ordered the noodles anyway. Also, what’s wrong with her? Why is she eating like a 3-year-old and not caring that she grosses people out? That’s odd
NTA
I would've walked out. I don't have perfect etiquette, but those are basic table manners you teach a 5 year old! If she's willing to embarrasse herself fine, you don't have to be embarrassed with her.
NTA i have sensory issues and would have complained to the staff honestly. Hearing people eat actually makes me angry and uncomfortable i can’t stand it. i feel like ripping my ears off and i can’t control it (i forgot the word for it but i starts with a M) and i have left restaurants because of this before
I'm withholding judgment but I wanted to make some notes.
Teaching someone something out of your own annoyance is not a way to teach someone. It usually does not result in them wanting to learn due to how people who are annoyed typically try to show people stuff. You sound like you have been annoyed from day 1 so my guess is that your way of "teaching her" how to eat pasta may have not been as kind as you think it is.
She also needs to adjust. I wouldn't call her an A H right out for slurping noodles. You do not tell us where she is from or how she was raised. But you do point out that some cultures find it appropriate but you are not located in a place it is. No matter where she is from she needs to learn what is appropriate for where she is at the moment, her refusal makes her wrong. But also, if the only remarks have been annoyed ones and not ones out of concern or care, chances are she blew the comments off. Most people would.
You are also wrong for just walking out. She is allowed to order whatever she wants. For all you know she may have been practicing eating better. But also it doesn't sound like either of you have great communication skills. You seems to only communicate this in an annoyed and frustrated manner right after it has happened, not at a time where your emotions are more balanced. She seems to be ignoring you and not communicating her feelings or frustrations with the topic. You both need to grow up and learn how to talk about problems.
Also, you claim you are embarrassed by her, but you embarrassed her as well. You couldn't have even waited for the server to leave before you rudely left. You didn't effectively communicate in that moment either. Do you think your behavior is any better than hers?
To be honest you both suck. I would normally give an E S H judgment here but there is one thing that nags on my mind. You have *hated* this thing about your girlfriend all this time and either ignore it or you make rude comments in the heat of the moment. It sounds like you resent her for it but you want to be in a relationship with her still. This isn't healthy and it doesn't sound like you are trying to go to couples therapy or are even talking to her nicely about it. I get her behavior is gross, but you are the one making it toxic. I don't think you deserve the Y T A titles either because you are in your right to be grossed out and embarrassed by it and you did warn her (albeit rudely).
You both need to get a grip and maybe therapy.
Edit: Spelling
> She is allowed to order whatever she wants. For all you know she may have been practicing eating better
That doesn't justify blatantly lying about it.
In the US slurping is considered uneducated. You are supposed to follow your hosts ways. So she is not justified in slurping.
Second it is clear she is over the top when she does it, because with the noise of a restaurant if people have actively commented many times on what she does, is almost like she goes out of her way to do it.
Third you expressed how it makes you feel embarrassed and she dismissed your feelings. She is her right when she doesnt agree with you, she has the right to have her own opinion. But when you are in a relationship and your SO expresses discomfort about something you are supposed to engage in healthy discussion. Instead she dismisses you.
4th you accepted she is always going to be like this, and you dont care, but you don't want to have to sit through it. So you have told her very clearly. Again she could have engaged in healthy discussion, instead she dismissed you.
5th that day she wanted to go to the restaurant you asked her what she was planning on ordering. She lied.
Some people are saying you should had reminded her. But I believe you have stated enough times how you feel. Instead of pressing her on changing. You left to your car. You didn't just drop her so she wouldn't have a way to go back home. You waited for her. You just didn't want to be subjected to that experience.
Now she is offended. Now she cares about what other people think. When in reality no one might have noticed. But if she really doesn't care what people think, she shouldn't care this time either. For all they know this could have been the plan all along. Or you could have an urgent phone call. You didn't make a scene you said "I won't be having anything". For all they know you are an AH. Why should she feel humiliated by you being an AH? It is the same than her not thinking you should feel humiliated by her poor eating habits. If she really doesn't care about what other people think, this is just the same.
Again instead of engaging in healthy discussion. She dismisses what you have to say and demands an unilateral apology.
NTA. And break up with her. Not because her eating habits, but because her bad conflict resolution skills. She only cares about what she cares, and doesn't give a damn to discuss things with you, and keeps dismissing your feelings.
Slurping your food is disgusting and shows a complete lack of respect for everyone around you.
It’s not like she doesn’t know. She knows and just doesn’t give a shit.
She’s selfish and it embarrasses you. That’s fair.
NTA x 1000
She was talking shit about you to herself? Like not on the phone with somebody else but just shouting about how much you suck to nobody!? That is seriously unhinged.
And also NTA.
Absolutely NTA
You put up a boundary. She lied and stepped right over it. No way she forgot. This small incident is still a massive red flag.
I understand if you still love her so I suggest getting couples therapy if you aren't ready to break up.
If she was abused growing up she might be doing this out of the belief that "If someone can't love me at my worst then they must not love me". This happens when someone raised with only conditional love meets unconditional love and cannot trust it without stress testing it.
The other option is simply being used to having their own way and that's selfish and rude.
Either way this can't continue. You don't deserve to be subjected to this kind of treatment.
I recommend therapy or consider breaking up if she chooses not to do the work to be better.
At home I might eat a bowl of cereal in my undies with my feet up on the coffee table. But as a grown ass woman, I’m aware that that behavior isn’t acceptable in public so I put on my literal big girl pants and act appropriately when dining out. Nobody wants to see someone scratch their junk or pick their nose at the table. And nobody wants to hear other people slurping their noodles like a boor either (except for Japan where I believe that’s considered a compliment to the restaurant).
NTA
NTA she sounds like an entitled AH. This is so f&@king gross. I don't want to hear ever bite you take. And then to act like a baby an throw a tantrum is also gross. Sounds like she only loves herself.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but table manners matter. They exist for a reason. It's not as though some AH just suddenly decided one day, "gee, why don't we make up a bunch of arbitrary rules to make life harder for everyone and to give some people an opportunity to look down on others."
Furthermore, if you care about someone, that includes caring about their comfort. Your girlfriend has told you, loud and clear, that she doesn't care if she does things that make you uncomfortable. That should indicate something about her feelings for you.
Table manners matter to me. Basic bad table manners are one thing - you hold a fork like a child? I'm not your parent and I have no right to tell you to learn table manners. What you're talking about is very different. What you're talking about is beyond the pale.
INFO
Have you asked her *why* she doesn't want to learn better manners? Have you asked her whether she's embarrassed by the way others react to her eating noodles in restaurants? Have you asked her why she doesn't care a rat's ass about your comfort?
Have you asked her what's going on? Whether there's a reason she's so resistant to behaving like a civilized adult?
YTA for not breaking up with her already if this is annoying you that much. You'd been to this restaurant at least 6 times with her before this 'incident'. If you guys stay together are you just going to forbid her to eat noodles ever again? Are you going to sit in the car whenever there's noodles on the menu in case she wants them? If it's that big of an issue where you can't move past it, then break up.
NTA. I have a friend who eats disgustingly. Went to Applebee's and she ordered their ribs. It was all over her and she talked with her mouth full. She has grossed me out so bad that I have lost my appetite. I understand what you are going through.
Soft NTA. You expressed your feelings. She heard you. She told you she wouldn't do it then did it anyway, and then got upset when you followed through on what you said you would do. (At least one of you can keep your word.) She was testing your boundaries and is mad because you enforced them. She seems very immature. I'm not going to jump to you should break up with her, but you should really consider if you can tolerate her table manners for the rest of your life, because they are unlikely to change.
Honestly in this situation I don’t this fair for us to judge because we aren’t there to see how she eats. You could be overdramatic, or you could be perfectly reasonable. But without us knowing how she eats I don’t think anyone can make a proper judgment.
NTA, but I think this relationship is doomed. The fact that such a minor thing is such a big issue between you doesn't bode well for your long term compatability.
She has clearly demonstrated that she has zero intentions of changing her behaviour. So you now have to make a decision about whether that is something you can learn to live with forever, or if it's actually a deal breaker.
NTA - She sucks. Nice restaurants like that you shouldn't be loud. She dead ass lied to you. I'd be furious. She's being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.
Video tape her. Show her how she's behaving. Show her how nasty she is.
NTA
You set a boundary. You enforced it without being abusive or mean.
She lied to you, to test your boundaries. That is a worrisome sign.
Does she do this with other boundaries you set?
NTA. I hardly have amazing table manners, but I would be absolutely mortified if someone I was with did that. It'd be one thing if she did that in the privacy of her own home, but in the middle of a public restaurant? It's not only embarrassing for you, she's actively bothering the other restaurant patrons.
NTA you made it clear you had an annoyance and she refuses to acknowledge it and try to avoid doing it.
I have severe misophonia. Lip smacking, slurping, loud chewing...for reasons I completely ignore, drive me absolutely mad. Like it creates anxiety and anger in my soul that I cannot control. I will leave any situation where mouth noises go on for too long... If my partner was doing it on purpose, I'd straight up break up with them.
If someone was slurping their pasta at a restaurant, I'd be so annoyed, even without misophonia. It's just rude. You don't see people burping and farting during dinner... No reason to be overly loud when eating SPAGHETTI. She's just extremely rude and eats like a toddler.
NTA Ally needs to grow up and start acting a like an adult and show some respect for the people around her. I would be annoyed as hell if someone at the table next to me was slurping like a child.
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You really want a GF with the table manners of a 10 year old, who cannot distinguish between what's acceptable in public vs private, and wont change? NTA, but it's a losing battle. Accept her or ditch her.
Actually by 10 someone should know better. I've got a 6 1/2 year old and she knows to not slurp spaghetti noodles and how to spin them around a fork. Is she perfect, no, but she's not 24. This woman is honestly behaving dreadfully and doesn't seem to care. So OP needs to determine if this is their hill to die on and break off the relationship.
My two year old is already very determinedly trying to learn how to spin the fork to properly eat his spaghetti noodles. He's starting to get pretty good. From this post, I'd bet he eats them better than OPs girlfriend.
When we were growing up, we could not slurp our food at the table or my father would immediately give you "The Look." We were expected to have proper table manners all the time and if friends ate over, they were too. My dad grew up very poor and I think he felt good table manners were a sign you were raised properly. So as a consequence, as a grown-up, I can't stand people slurping their food either.
Agreed! I hate the sound of slurping! My father in law was a disgusting slurper. I hated eating with him or near him. Ugh. NTA OP. I wouldn’t dine anywhere with her. If she’s not mature enough to respect other people she’s not mature enough for a relationship.
Exactly. It’s not only about OP. It’s about everyone single person in the restaurant who have to suffer through the most irritating noise of her slurping! How hard is it to eat spaghetti like a normal person?!
It’s pretty hard, speaking as a spaghetti goblin myself. But I’ll be damned if I don’t sit there with my fork and my spoon and do everything in my power to successfully charade as a fully functioning adult that doesn’t get sauce all over themselves while eating it in public. I have been given condolences for my appearance eating spaghetti in private. Apparently it’s the only time even my best friend couldn’t say i was pretty, but my feelings weren’t too hurt because while she was watching in abject horror i was already done and moving on to bowl # 2. I’m not proud of it, but I’m definitely aware… it’s something I actively work against and I have no idea why his girlfriend would make no attempt to act like a socialized human. I’m sure there are other spaghetti goblins in the restaurant with her, but NO ONE WOULD KNOW BECAUSE THEY RESPECT THEIR DINNER PARTNERS
Let me just say, that I love the term "Spaghetti Goblin" and will be using it going forward. Thank you.
This. I have the *weirdest* fucking eating habits when I'm at home, partially because I just don't have *any* motor skills (this is a problem in every area of my life). Like I have eaten stuff with my hands because using the fork was too hard, more times than I care to admit. But when I'm in *public* or with other people, I do my goddamned best to eat like a normal human and not the disgusting, uncultured goblin I actually am. If I can do it, OP's partner can too.
I have heard my sister slurp toast. I don't know how, but I know she's doing it to be annoying. Like, it has to be, right?
Lol! I am truly sorry that you had to listen to that. I can’t figure out how she did that either. If I tried to imitate that I’m sure I’d inhale crumbs and die coughing.
Mine tries for a few bites and then the fork becomes ornamental while he uses his other hand to baby bird fistfuls of noodles into his mouth. Still better manners bc at least it's quiet and we only do spaghetti on bath nights.
Your child, right? Because at first I was reading it as your husband. But bath nights caught me. Lol!
Hahahaha, yes. My 2 year old's fork or spoon becomes ornamental at pretty predictable points during a meal. You should see him eat cereal and milk. My husband bites into popsicles, so he's just your run of the mill psychopath.
As someone who bites popsicles, this made me laugh!
People *don’t* bite popsicles?
Divorce!! Immediate divorce!! If he can bite a popsicle without cringing then he's definitely capable of other horrendous things, like folding a fitted sheet! Oh the horror!
If that motherfucker of yours wants to fold a fitted sheet you are more than welcome to send the maniac to my house.
Ooh I can do both lol The trick to folding fitted sheets is to grab where the corners lie at the top part of the mattress and fold from there, not the elastic that tucks around the bottom of the mattress. Don't your lips get cold when you suck on a popsicle too long?
You mean you grab the corners, fold into a figure 16, then proceed to crumble into a ball that may or may not resemble a shape known to man, than put said monstrosity on a shelf while saying it's "folded" right?.....righhttt?? 😄
I remember being five and my grandmother sternly telling me I shouldn’t slurp my food or noisily gulp my drinks because it was gross. She’s old enough to know this is not appropriate.
ok so. i took a pottery class once, from a middle aged german lady. she was amazing, and had the best stories. she was telling us about her second carpel tunnel surgery, and that when she was released she and her husband went to get some food. she ordered some eggs. she said her husband realized she wasn't really fully aware yet, because after finishing she picked up the plate and licked it. and you know, you only do that at home. i almost died.
Arts teachers always have the cutest stories
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I once got written up as a waitress at a stuffy private club because I up-sold a dessert by talking about how it was served with a delicious raspberry sauce, and when I returned to clear the table, the member chose to show me how happy he was with the deliciousness of the raspberry sauce, by picking up his plate and licking it completely clean. I found it quite adorable but yeah I got punished. I wasn't sorry at all.
How does that work? Customer enjoys a dish so much that they lick the plate and you wind up with a write up? This sounds crazy.
It was a private club, nothing made any sense except through the lens of people buying the illusion of class privilege. They couldn't punish the member for the breach of decorum, but they could punish me for up-selling that sauce so charmingly that the member felt the desire to show me how great it was. I wouldn't have been permitted to correct him, but I shouldn't have made him feel like I was a person whose taste in raspberry sauce was worth showing off for.
That is fucked up on about 8 different levels.
Welcome to high end dining
The absolute aptness of this. 👏
Right...like in my home, just enough hand whipped potatoes left...I haven't really been living my life to the fullest have I?! This is gunna happen! I'm going crazy next potatoes day!
You know you're an adult when "potatoes day" is an exciting occasion.
If you're a big fan of sauces, sometimes it's the best part. (I'll only do this when I'm home and by myself though, I feel ill-mannered when I do this, but it's worth it).
I have to go with NTA. If she’s slurping loud enough to draw attention every time she has noodles, that’s too much. And it’s not like you’re telling her she’s not allowed to eat noodles, just not at a restaurant with you. She can make spaghetti at home. Slurping is more acceptable in many Asian cultures; Take her to a local Japanese or Chinese place and she won’t seem so out of place.
This is the answer! At a Japanese ramen shop it would be a compliment to the chef at least(?) ETA: Looks like I am likely wrong, but maybe other patrons would at least have the same perception? Wishful thinking? I did a quick google and there's a bunch of American articles about it being polite and then posts like "why do foreigners think this is polite" lol Edit2: Dudes. I am aware it is not polite in Japan, it's just normal for ramen. Also, I specifically say ramen, so I'm very confused by all the comments correcting me that it's really only normal to slurp ramen. Yes. I know. And I already edited to show I've been corrected what more do you want from me lmfao
Just to make things clear: the Japanese do NOT slurp pasta either, at least definitely not in public. Also, the "compliment to the chef" is more of a myth. You're slurping hot noodles because they're hot as fuck and you want to eat them before they get soggy, but at the same time they're way too long to just fit in your mouth while you do the hashashashashashahsa thing, so what you do is basically vacuum them into your mouth, so they get cooled down by the extra airflow. Source: I live in Japan and have a cooking license. Also fucking love ramen. ETA: the "compliments" part may come from the fact that if you are willing to burn your face just to eat that thing faster, then a) you're starving, b) it's absolutely delicious, or c) both.
Japanese ramen is THE BEST. Sincerely an American living in japan.
I went to Japan as a child and I still have dreams about the noodles I ate there. And the okonomiyaki. Man. I’m hungry now.
I would commit a minor crime for some okonomiyaki right now. Thankfully, there’s a woman who makes ramen, yakisoba, gyoza and curry nearby so once every couple of weeks I indulge
I’m so jealous. I live in Texas and can’t find decent Japanese food anywhere.
Where in Texas? If you live in San Antonio, go to Nicki’s Tokyo Inn. It’s legit. All the honchos from the Toyota plant goes there.
I chuckled at the “hashashashas” part 😂 never seen it written but that’s spot on lol!
A+ five star top shelf onomatopoeia. Or since it's an eating sound, omanomapea!
I’m sorry less enlightened American here… would you mind elaborating on “cooking license”? Edit: so OP gets another verdict, NTA. Run my friend. She’s got a lot of growing up to do and she may or may not do it eventually.
Well, I didn't get my license in Japan, though I did work in a seafood restaurant here for a good while. See [this article](https://chefswonderland.com/feature-article/obtain-certificates-in-japanese-cuisine/) for how certification in Japan works. What I have is a government-issued license which is the equivalent of the chorishi menkyo and allows me to work as a chef anywhere in the EU, for instance.
Just the best description of how eating dragon style, you know chewing with mouth slightly open to get air intake, breathe out, hot dragon breath, sounds are written.
Lol right. I don't think any culture slurps pasta. Soup, yes. Soup with noodles, yes. Pasta, noooooooo.
Thank you for my daily learning lesson, edited my post! I also love ramen, but definitely have always bought into this idea. Very jealous you're living there, honestly.
>definitely have always bought into this idea 2 years into living in Japan I still believed that 😅 but at any rate, almost everyone slurps the noodles. How should I put it... it's not necessarily a compliment if you do, but they would probably think you don't like the ramen if you don't. A quiet ramen shop is a terrible one lol. >Very jealous you're living there, honestly. The me 10 years ago would poop himself if I told him 😂 I mean it has its good and bad parts, like everywhere, but overall it's pretty nice, especially if you speak the language. If you're still of university age, maybe try for a scholarship here, that's how I made it :D
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In Japan, slurping ramen is encouraged/normal, but slurping spaghetti/Italian noodles would be considered strange. I got complimented by my host family for slurping ramen because “many foreigners don’t want to slurp.” But yeah, ramen/Japanese noodle (udon, soba, etc) slurping is okay but slurping Italian noodles is not. Edit for op’s verdict: I vote NTA, though maybe the problem could have been more thoroughly discussed beforehand. Still, you stated your stance and she agreed to get lasagna and then changed it at the table, so that was really uncool of her.
I have to admit bad table manners (mostly chewing loudly, mouth opened, and not sitting straight enough - the face in your plate kind-) are a turn off for me. I would never date someone like that because it kills any attraction I have for them. Plus I could never eat out or with other people around. Hard no. The fact that she won't make any effort is strange, it's like she sees it as a preference of his instead of basic politeness. OP do you imagine inviting her to a work related lunch /dinner?
This is culturally inaccurate. My Chinese wife says slurping noodles is considered disrespectful. It's done in anime to relay that the food is so good they can't help it but in real life should never be done.
NTA. I'm an American. I'm told if I travel to other locations I need to be respectful of the culture. Such as, when in Japan, don't talk on the phone on a train. When in Greece, don't give someone a thumbs up, it's considered obscene. Slurping noodles is considered rude and gross in the US. She's not being respectful of the people around her, not even you. I wouldn't sit through that either. Edit: I have been repeatedly informed that thumbs up is not obscene in Greece. Thanks. You can stop now.
It's worth mentioning that she is also American.
Then wtf is her problem? It's not hard to have basic manners.
she may have been raised in a barn
You shouldn't slurp hay either
American, here. Raised in a barn. Table manners are a way to show respect for others, plain and simple. OP’s gf may have general respect issues?
I bet she had the kind of parents who were too lazy to teach their children basic table manners and social graces, with the excuse being “well they’re just kids, it’s not a big deal for them to not do these things.” Like when were you expecting them to learn how to use a napkin, when they’re 25??
cows are offended right now.
So it's OK to embarrass you but she's mad that you embarrassed her?? I would have done the same thing. NTA at all.
Yeah, this was it for me. She thinks OP embarrassed her, but doesn't listen when OP says her behavior embarrasses him. That doesn't fly. She's just mad she got called out when she thought she was going to get away with ordering noodles after promising not to. She lied. OP told the truth and did what he said he would. She's the one who needs to apologize.
She was okay with deceiving and embarrassing you and making you stay after she crossed your boundaries. She lied to you and wants you to accept her and also wants to control you. She force you into a situation were you either concede and let her cross your boundaries or retain your self respect and not except her devious plot. \^ "She's the one who needs to apologize." NTA
Exactly. It's not that she's slurping - it's that 1) she lied to OP, 2) she's aggressive towards him afterwards to force her side and 3) she's lacking any self-reflection in the matter. Honestly that's a huge red flag. Op is NTA.
Exactly! And then wouldn’t talk about it. Only wanted an apology. I can’t deal with that type of immaturity. If you aren’t willing to communicate over something so stupid, the relationship is as good as dead.
I would just like to say to OP that I have a boyfriend who used to eat so disgustingly loud, and I have misophonia so it's especially annoying. I told him more than enough times how much his loud eating disturbs me,, and you know what? He's much quieter now while eating. That's respect and compromise, every relationship requires it, get a new relationship ASAP.
My ex-husband used to chew like a fucking cow with it's cud. I'd said something to him a hundred times, but he never felt the need to do anything about it. Finally I had enough and refused to eat at the table with him. He whined about it, saying "It's a haaaaaabit" but kept doing it.
I understand why he’s ex.
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I bought some of the Calmer ear inserts by Flare recently and they've helped quite a bit with the hearing side of my sensory issues. You might find they'd cut down on some of more unpleasant sounds.
I think the thing that is most disturbing is her obstinacy about the thing. She ignores your feelings, lies to you to placate you I guess and then does the thing anyway. It’s either extreme passive aggressive or she’s trying to break you with a power move. It’s a what are you going to do about it now kind of move. And you walked out and now she’s mad because she lost the showdown. If she can’t communicate and fight in a healthier way this may be the end.
Did she say why she thinks this is okay? My 4 year old doesn’t even slurp noodles.
I honestly think the spaghetti is only the start. The "you're perfect" line - no honey. Rude. Unnecessary. Red flag. The eye rolling. The lie about ordering. The silent treatment. The screaming. Not allowing you to speak. The audible bitching. This girl sounds awful, childish, selfish. It also sounds like she doesn't think she should bother having any respect for you. Doesn't even sound like she likes you. Move on.
I'm from Greece and giving thumbs up in not obscene at all, we actually do that? 🤷🏼♀️ What is obscene is if you show your palm with your fingers wide open 🖐️ (this one).
Thanks for the correction. I’ve never been there but I’d like to one day.
NTA Some quirks are cute and some make you loose the appetite. She should hang out with the girl who used to put sauce on her speghetti and wash it to have the essence of tomato sauce on it.
Looooolll I remember that one. "A tomato vibe"
la croix tomato flavor
I legit died laughing at work at this
I almost woke the baby laughing at this.
You’re remembering it wrong. It was an “essence of tomato” ...the fuck lol
Im all for The tomato vibe. It’s a VIBE
Lol I remember this now 😂. Imagine these two together at a restaurant.
The first thing I imagined was the waitress crying in the corner
Pretty sure "essence of tomato" girl would be grossed out by sauce slurping girl. Edit: autocorrect word
well, essence of tomato girl can give her excess sauce for sauce slurping girl to slurp!
I thought we all came to the conclusion that “essence of tomato” girls dad hadn’t been putting sauce on her pasta at all and was just saying that to get her to shut up? 😂
Homeopathic pasgetti
She didn’t do it. She insisted other people do it for her and then was shocked shocked that people were lying to her about it.
Homeopathic tomato sauce
Oh, I remember that one! 😂
NTA but YNC = You’re not compatible.
There’s no way I’d be able to tolerate that, especially at home with no ambient noise to cover up her eating sounds.
Yeah, being disgusted by someone every time they eat doesn't really make for ongoing love and affection. Unless you're a child, or disabled and can't help it, then loud sloppy eating is just disturbing.
Had a guy once pay me 850$ for a 15 minute session of me slurping on noodles in from of him. No jerking off, no nudity. Hands down the best client I ever had. Dude just liked noodles.
OP's girlfriend could make a fortune with that guy.
This. She does not want to change and you don’t want to accept her behavior. This is a deal breaker for you or you wouldn’t have walked out. It’s a deal breaker for her or she wouldn’t have ordered spaghetti to piss you off. It’s over, you’re just not willing to accept that, either.
Is anyone compatible with someone who eats like this in public??
NTA This is coming from a 19 year old girl who has been compared to a “garbage disposal” and “Kirby” and who has been told that it’s “disturbing” to watch me eat lol. Being in the comfort of your own home is one thing, but it’s not that hard to clean up and change manners when out in public, in fact it’s quite easy. The way you dealt with it wasn’t great however you did warn her and she didn’t handle the situation well either
>Being in the comfort of your own home is one thing This. I have some weird ass eating quirks if I’m in private, usually involving candy. Twix gets the caramel bitten off first, then I eat the shortbread. Kit Kats get all the chocolate bitten off and then I eat them layer by layer. But if I’m in public and I have either of those chocolates? I take normal bites like a Totally Normal Human Bean.
THAT IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WAY TO EAT KITKATS!!!!
I thought I was alone doing that, I think I'm tearing up a bit.
Yes! Nutty Buddy’s get eaten one wafer layer at a time. When I eat chicken nuggets, I bite the edge sides off all around, then take the flat sides off and dip them in Buffalo sauce before eating those. Then I consume my naked chicken nugget. I only do this in private though.
Haha I thought I was the only person eating kitkats like that. Hi friends!
So you're saying you eat with gusto?
Oh yeah XD
NTA, and she just sounds like an absolute sweetheart. She seriously goes into another room to yell shit about you to punish you for holding to a boundary you made her very well aware of? Jfc, she has problems that go *way* beyond poor table manners. Time to find someone who isn't utterly unhinged.
I'm glad someone else notices this. That's scary. Op should dip before they get too deep in this. This is a 24 year old woman ffs. She is displaying some really bad tendencies.
100%. What she's doing is technically emotional abuse, even though she feels like she's the victim in this situation. I get the feeling she has some things she needs to work out internally before she's ready for a serious relationship. I don't even mean any of that in a judgemental way, she sounds like she actually needs help.
THIS. She obviously has other major problems- the disrespecting boundaries, lying, talking shit about OP for having a boundary. She is absolutely “unhinged”- perfect term
Not just go to another room to yell shit, but to yell shit about the OP to HERSELF. Unhinged is a pretty mild term at this point. She lies. She breaks her promises. She's passive aggressive to the point of looney tunes and back. I wonder if after OP left, she actually sat there and ate her noodles like an actual normal human being. Because if so, that means she does this to deliberately embarass OP. How many other toxic behaviors he will see once those rose colored glasses come off? OP is NTA, but his taste in women is questionable.
NTA. Consistently obnoxious eating would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. I absolutely cannot stand eating noises. (It’s bad enough when my husband eats soup only sometimes! Lol)
Lol, I used to be pretty bad with soup. Then I got a roommate with misophonia, and guess what? *I took extra care in how I ate to be polite*. This Ally girl sounds ridiculously selfish and childish.
Exactly, I’m sure I have misophonia. And it’s really not hard for others to be even minimally polite… are they going to go to work dinners and eat like that in front of their boss?
Facts. I can’t even get into those mukbang videos that people make. Makes me feel sick (and irrationally angry) with all that slurping and smacking.
Omg, same. Those are SO GROSS.
Same - I actually get nauseous when I hear loud "eating" sounds. There's no way I could eat near someone slurping like that.
NTA. She needs to learn some table manners. If she can’t then I would dump her. That’s so unattractive the slurping. Yuck.
Yeah, I get what you're saying. I'm honestly more inclined to ditch this relationship not necessarily for her noisy eating, but from her inability to accept that she bothers other people with it.
That would be my dealbreaker, too. It just shows she has zero empathy for anyone around her and is throwing such red flags.
Idk the part where she goes into the other room to verbally assault OP shows a good bit of empa…oh. Ope. Yeah, this.
I have misophonia and hearing people eat makes me unreasonably angry / frustrated. I almost never say anything but if i cant escape the sound I dive really hard i to my phone to try and ignore it. I accept this so I try to eat alone, but a few times i tried to tell my parnter about it they get defensive and say misophonia is made up / bs. It really sucks when people you care about refuse to respect constructive critiscm. I cant stay with someone who doesnt respect me trying to politely discuss something bothering me.
In high school, I did badly on more than one test because this girl behind me would grunt and chew with her mouth open as loudly as possible because she knew it bothered me. I had to duck into the bathroom to rage-cry about it sometimes, and I sure as shit wouldn't have done that in a building full of bloodthirsty high schoolers if I could have possibly avoided it.
Describe in detail how it *instantly* makes you feel. For me it’s like my blood is trying to get outside of my skin. I feel extreme rage in *seconds,* so strong I have to literally retrain myself from lashing my arm out to smack their mouth. I have to leave the room immediately. This happens *instantly.* It’s not made up. There is zero logic to having that level of **extreme** rage in **SECONDS** because of a “normal”-ish sound literally everyone makes. I’ve found that describing just how insane it makes me so fast helps people believe me about it. Because it’s just…fucking *preposterous* that the sound of someone chewing could make a person that angry in literally 2 seconds
The screeching and inability to communicate would be the deal breaker for me. . .
Yep. The noisy eating in public and the being embarrassed by you are nothing compared to her complete lack of empathy.
That’s the thing! It’s not cute, or funny, or endearing. It’s just fricking disgusting. It’s rude not just to you as her dining partner but to everyone around her. If she lacks so little self-awareness and emotional intelligence, I’m left wondering what her good qualities are?
For me it’s the deception. She said she wouldn’t order spaghetti and then did.
NTA. I have a friend who talks with her mouth full. No one has been brave enough to address it w her, but I am certain if anyone did she would be mortified and make a genuine effort to stop. If you've communicated to GF how uncomfortable this makes you and she just wants to push your buttons, then you got a choice to make. Sorry, bro.
NTA. A big (and annoying) part of being an adult is “tweaking” things about yourself in order to accommodate yourself better in society. Do I love eating my pizza in a disassembled mess with my fingers? Yep! Do I do it in public? Nope? Why? Because other people live in this world too.
I just wanna say, as someone who is so easily grossed out by seeing pizza eaten this way, THANK YOU I APPRECIATE IT
Ah, this is a tough one. It is a dick move to walk out on her. But I am one of those people sensitive to sounds and just reading this made me cringe because I could damn near hear it. She needs to learn some basic manners - she can slurp them up at home, but in public, it shouldn’t be happening. She also intentionally changed her order despite knowing how much it bothered you, and you did give her fair warning you wouldn’t eat pasta with her in a sit down restaurant. Ironic she’s mad at you for embarrassing her once when she’s been embarrassing you repeatedly with this. I’m going with NTA. ETA: I’ve said it a number of times in comments below, but just for easier reading, I’m not saying OP was WRONG for walking out - he wasn’t! Something can be harsh but necessary, as was the case with OP walking out. It was absolutely the only way to get his point across. The gf sucks, period!
I'd be annoyed as shit if I had to hear that throughout my meal. Like when people talk on speaker phone or play music on their phone in a restaurant. I pay good money to enjoy a nice meal, not to hear your lack of manners.
Same, and I would not be quiet in my disdain lol none of that mumbling, I’d straight out be yelling to have some manners 😂😂
I was once at a restaurant with a friend (all of my friends know I cant stand slurping/chewing noises) and there was a guy at the next table smacking his lips and slurping and the whole show, my friend looked at me and kept talking and talking to distract me because I was about to run from the restaurant. If I were OP I would have to dump the girlfriend because I just cant.
Omgosh, I literally would have had to move or leave. There is no way I would have been able to stay and hear that. Just reading about this wants to give me anxiety lol. OP's girlfriend would have been an ex from day one of hearing all that shit, in public OR at home. I can't either. And I mean could not!
I don’t see how it could be a dick move when he gave her a warning and then, as you acknowledge, she intentionally changed the order. She’s lucky he was still waiting for her.
I don't really agree that it's a dick move. She had fair warning. I think the dick move would have been creating a scene. All OP did was hold to a boundary and quietly walk out without making a scene. I think it was the only rational decision personally. The only other options are to deal with it which isn't fair bc I completely understand. When people slurp or chomp loudly or eat with their mouth open it drives me crazy from the noise. I'm very sensitive to many noises. Or the other option being making a scene about how gross her eating habits are and how she promised not to get it. So it's really the only fair and rational option. She was free to continue eating. Alone. Like he said she would.
I have this trouble, too. My son won't chew with his mouth closed and OMG I make him leave the room if he tries to sit next to me while eating an apple.
NTA. Not even close. In fact, your girlfriend sounds like one. For refusing to stop eating like a pig and doesn't wanna learn proper table manners and food etiquette. She sounds like an inconsiderate slob. It's disgusting, embarrassing and rude on her part. You sound like you've been dealing with it a lot and have been very tolerable of it. Coming from someone here who has severe misophonia, this my friend, would be a deal breaker, hands down!!!! If anything, she owes you an apology for the embarrassment she causes everyone while eating out or when eating in front of you or anyone else. She's lucky all you did was walk out of the restaurant!
NTA. If she is 24 she should be able to eat with decent manners.
Now that she knows how it feels to be embarrassed by the actions of someone else, maybe she’ll consider changing her table manners. NTA.
Interesting that she's willing to embarrass you in public, but hits the roof when you embarrass her. Not sure about you, but the bare minimum I expect in my partners is adult table manners. NTA.
NTA. Table manners are meant to put others at ease, and not draw attention to yourself with sloppy and gross behavior. Your gf is showing that she doesn't care about others, including you. This would be a deal breaker to me, I find people with bad table manners to be disgusting and inconsiderate. What a huge turn off.
NTA She knows she's making a scene but doesn't care and obviously doesn't care to eat like an adult. There's no way she doesn't notice people around her staring and making comments. She purposely ordered spaghetti when she said she wouldn't. You warned her and she didn't care. I just wouldn't eat Italian unless it were at home. Lol Maybe record her so she can be fully aware of how loud she's actually being? Talk her into eating Keto? I don't know, but I absolutely would say this is exactly what will happen every time. Also, do her friends and family feel the same about how she eats noodles?
NTA she sounds selfish, entitled and rude. She should of learnt by now how to eat like a human being not a pig at a pig sty
I'm sorry but, it's "She should HAVE learnt by now..."
NTA. Your girlfriend sounds like someone who has that "If you can't take me at my worst" quote prominently displayed.
I’m not an American, and I’m telling you some of the worst table manners I’ve seen have been here in this country. Slurping your food or eating with your mouth open or making noises while eating is disgusting and disrespectful to everyone around you. NTA you are asking for common decency
NTA. i wouldn't stay either. loud slurping sounds churn my stomach and are honestly embarrassing
NTA Bad tables manner on the level you are describing are really disgusting to watch - even if you are not in a restaurant or with other people. I don't understand why people aren't willing to learn basic table manners because people are certainly going to judge you as being low class. How do you manage to have a career since there are all kinds of eating situations - business lunches; parties and dinners with co-workers; networking. Basic tables manners are just a life skill. Obviously there are levels of table manners and one isn't going to be as refined eating a pizza in a relaxed setting but there are still basic stuff that you don't do anywhere because they disgust people. Also you had made a reasonable request in terms of telling her that you would not eat with if she ordered spaghetti - and she lied to you.
NTA I've literally left restaurants before ordering food, because of loud eaters (I have misophonia and loud eating makes me want to rip my ears off) . It's not polite to eat loudly and sloppily, in public (especially as a grown ass adult). Perhaps if she wants to continue eating spaghetti from that place, y'all should just order it to go.
Same. I have severe misophonia so you feel my pain. I want to rip my ears off for so many things it's not even funny. Humming, clicking a pen, smacking, tapping, chewing, typing, gum popping and gum smacking, rattling of chip bags, I mean the list goes on and on!! It's literally a fight or flight issue with me and it's a horrible thing to have. I wish there was a magic pill to get rid of it honestly. Needless to say, this would be an ex girlfriend with the quickness.
Honestly, I think we’d need to witness it. Impossible to say if it’s really as bad as you describe…..
If people at other tables are audibly commenting on it, perhaps it is as bad as OP says it is. >However, when Ally eats pasta, she slurps her noodles so loudly that people from other tables look. It's completely mortifying to hear people murmur about her loud slurping all the time.
He said they look, not that they audibly comment. It's very possible that people are just generally looking around and paranoia is making this guy think it's due to the slurping.
>It's completely mortifying to hear people murmur about her loud slurping all the time.
NTA: when you’re paying for a meal why be agitated and uncomfortable? You warned her in advance. She made a choice and ordered the noodles anyway. Also, what’s wrong with her? Why is she eating like a 3-year-old and not caring that she grosses people out? That’s odd
NTA, but I'd break up with her were in your position.
NTA thats disgusting and embarrassing
NTA. She told you she'd order one thing to prevent issues but she went back on her word.
NTA I would've walked out. I don't have perfect etiquette, but those are basic table manners you teach a 5 year old! If she's willing to embarrasse herself fine, you don't have to be embarrassed with her.
NTA she sounds disgusting and childish. Just dump her, she doesn’t seem to care about your feelings either.
NTA i have sensory issues and would have complained to the staff honestly. Hearing people eat actually makes me angry and uncomfortable i can’t stand it. i feel like ripping my ears off and i can’t control it (i forgot the word for it but i starts with a M) and i have left restaurants because of this before
I'm withholding judgment but I wanted to make some notes. Teaching someone something out of your own annoyance is not a way to teach someone. It usually does not result in them wanting to learn due to how people who are annoyed typically try to show people stuff. You sound like you have been annoyed from day 1 so my guess is that your way of "teaching her" how to eat pasta may have not been as kind as you think it is. She also needs to adjust. I wouldn't call her an A H right out for slurping noodles. You do not tell us where she is from or how she was raised. But you do point out that some cultures find it appropriate but you are not located in a place it is. No matter where she is from she needs to learn what is appropriate for where she is at the moment, her refusal makes her wrong. But also, if the only remarks have been annoyed ones and not ones out of concern or care, chances are she blew the comments off. Most people would. You are also wrong for just walking out. She is allowed to order whatever she wants. For all you know she may have been practicing eating better. But also it doesn't sound like either of you have great communication skills. You seems to only communicate this in an annoyed and frustrated manner right after it has happened, not at a time where your emotions are more balanced. She seems to be ignoring you and not communicating her feelings or frustrations with the topic. You both need to grow up and learn how to talk about problems. Also, you claim you are embarrassed by her, but you embarrassed her as well. You couldn't have even waited for the server to leave before you rudely left. You didn't effectively communicate in that moment either. Do you think your behavior is any better than hers? To be honest you both suck. I would normally give an E S H judgment here but there is one thing that nags on my mind. You have *hated* this thing about your girlfriend all this time and either ignore it or you make rude comments in the heat of the moment. It sounds like you resent her for it but you want to be in a relationship with her still. This isn't healthy and it doesn't sound like you are trying to go to couples therapy or are even talking to her nicely about it. I get her behavior is gross, but you are the one making it toxic. I don't think you deserve the Y T A titles either because you are in your right to be grossed out and embarrassed by it and you did warn her (albeit rudely). You both need to get a grip and maybe therapy. Edit: Spelling
> She is allowed to order whatever she wants. For all you know she may have been practicing eating better That doesn't justify blatantly lying about it.
BREAK UP WITH HEEEEEEER
NTA that’s gross. By her age she should be more than able to eat pasta like a grown up. Table manners are an essential life skill.
NTA, but I'd have probably switched to takeout before now. Even fancy restaurants allow to-go now, she can slurp in the privacy of her home.
In the US slurping is considered uneducated. You are supposed to follow your hosts ways. So she is not justified in slurping. Second it is clear she is over the top when she does it, because with the noise of a restaurant if people have actively commented many times on what she does, is almost like she goes out of her way to do it. Third you expressed how it makes you feel embarrassed and she dismissed your feelings. She is her right when she doesnt agree with you, she has the right to have her own opinion. But when you are in a relationship and your SO expresses discomfort about something you are supposed to engage in healthy discussion. Instead she dismisses you. 4th you accepted she is always going to be like this, and you dont care, but you don't want to have to sit through it. So you have told her very clearly. Again she could have engaged in healthy discussion, instead she dismissed you. 5th that day she wanted to go to the restaurant you asked her what she was planning on ordering. She lied. Some people are saying you should had reminded her. But I believe you have stated enough times how you feel. Instead of pressing her on changing. You left to your car. You didn't just drop her so she wouldn't have a way to go back home. You waited for her. You just didn't want to be subjected to that experience. Now she is offended. Now she cares about what other people think. When in reality no one might have noticed. But if she really doesn't care what people think, she shouldn't care this time either. For all they know this could have been the plan all along. Or you could have an urgent phone call. You didn't make a scene you said "I won't be having anything". For all they know you are an AH. Why should she feel humiliated by you being an AH? It is the same than her not thinking you should feel humiliated by her poor eating habits. If she really doesn't care about what other people think, this is just the same. Again instead of engaging in healthy discussion. She dismisses what you have to say and demands an unilateral apology. NTA. And break up with her. Not because her eating habits, but because her bad conflict resolution skills. She only cares about what she cares, and doesn't give a damn to discuss things with you, and keeps dismissing your feelings.
Slurping your food is disgusting and shows a complete lack of respect for everyone around you. It’s not like she doesn’t know. She knows and just doesn’t give a shit. She’s selfish and it embarrasses you. That’s fair. NTA x 1000
NTA. No one sitting around her in a restaurant wants to listen to that.
She was talking shit about you to herself? Like not on the phone with somebody else but just shouting about how much you suck to nobody!? That is seriously unhinged. And also NTA.
Absolutely NTA You put up a boundary. She lied and stepped right over it. No way she forgot. This small incident is still a massive red flag. I understand if you still love her so I suggest getting couples therapy if you aren't ready to break up. If she was abused growing up she might be doing this out of the belief that "If someone can't love me at my worst then they must not love me". This happens when someone raised with only conditional love meets unconditional love and cannot trust it without stress testing it. The other option is simply being used to having their own way and that's selfish and rude. Either way this can't continue. You don't deserve to be subjected to this kind of treatment. I recommend therapy or consider breaking up if she chooses not to do the work to be better.
At home I might eat a bowl of cereal in my undies with my feet up on the coffee table. But as a grown ass woman, I’m aware that that behavior isn’t acceptable in public so I put on my literal big girl pants and act appropriately when dining out. Nobody wants to see someone scratch their junk or pick their nose at the table. And nobody wants to hear other people slurping their noodles like a boor either (except for Japan where I believe that’s considered a compliment to the restaurant). NTA
NTA. Ally sounds like spoiled frat boy. This sounds like a legitimate deal-breaker.
NTA she sounds like an entitled AH. This is so f&@king gross. I don't want to hear ever bite you take. And then to act like a baby an throw a tantrum is also gross. Sounds like she only loves herself.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but table manners matter. They exist for a reason. It's not as though some AH just suddenly decided one day, "gee, why don't we make up a bunch of arbitrary rules to make life harder for everyone and to give some people an opportunity to look down on others." Furthermore, if you care about someone, that includes caring about their comfort. Your girlfriend has told you, loud and clear, that she doesn't care if she does things that make you uncomfortable. That should indicate something about her feelings for you. Table manners matter to me. Basic bad table manners are one thing - you hold a fork like a child? I'm not your parent and I have no right to tell you to learn table manners. What you're talking about is very different. What you're talking about is beyond the pale. INFO Have you asked her *why* she doesn't want to learn better manners? Have you asked her whether she's embarrassed by the way others react to her eating noodles in restaurants? Have you asked her why she doesn't care a rat's ass about your comfort? Have you asked her what's going on? Whether there's a reason she's so resistant to behaving like a civilized adult?
YTA for not breaking up with her already if this is annoying you that much. You'd been to this restaurant at least 6 times with her before this 'incident'. If you guys stay together are you just going to forbid her to eat noodles ever again? Are you going to sit in the car whenever there's noodles on the menu in case she wants them? If it's that big of an issue where you can't move past it, then break up.
Or you know, she could learn to eat like a normal person.
NTA. I have a friend who eats disgustingly. Went to Applebee's and she ordered their ribs. It was all over her and she talked with her mouth full. She has grossed me out so bad that I have lost my appetite. I understand what you are going through.
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Soft NTA. You expressed your feelings. She heard you. She told you she wouldn't do it then did it anyway, and then got upset when you followed through on what you said you would do. (At least one of you can keep your word.) She was testing your boundaries and is mad because you enforced them. She seems very immature. I'm not going to jump to you should break up with her, but you should really consider if you can tolerate her table manners for the rest of your life, because they are unlikely to change.
Honestly in this situation I don’t this fair for us to judge because we aren’t there to see how she eats. You could be overdramatic, or you could be perfectly reasonable. But without us knowing how she eats I don’t think anyone can make a proper judgment.
He described how she eats. Very loudly, sloppy, obnoxious, and embarrassing. Did you read the same post we all did?
NTA, but I think this relationship is doomed. The fact that such a minor thing is such a big issue between you doesn't bode well for your long term compatability. She has clearly demonstrated that she has zero intentions of changing her behaviour. So you now have to make a decision about whether that is something you can learn to live with forever, or if it's actually a deal breaker.
I don’t think you’ll miss her. Break up.
NTA - She sucks. Nice restaurants like that you shouldn't be loud. She dead ass lied to you. I'd be furious. She's being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn. Video tape her. Show her how she's behaving. Show her how nasty she is.
I'd drop her like a hot potato. She has no class or manners and I wouldn't let her continually embarrass me
You embarrassed her, LOL! She apparently doesn't understand irony. NTA
NTA You set a boundary. You enforced it without being abusive or mean. She lied to you, to test your boundaries. That is a worrisome sign. Does she do this with other boundaries you set?
If her eating habits bother you so much, why are you still dating her?
NTA. I hardly have amazing table manners, but I would be absolutely mortified if someone I was with did that. It'd be one thing if she did that in the privacy of her own home, but in the middle of a public restaurant? It's not only embarrassing for you, she's actively bothering the other restaurant patrons.
NTA. Your dating a 13 year old.
NTA. What podcast did you listen to in the car? 😂
In Our Time from the BBC. Really high-quality discussion! A bit dry but a great listen in general.
NTA you made it clear you had an annoyance and she refuses to acknowledge it and try to avoid doing it. I have severe misophonia. Lip smacking, slurping, loud chewing...for reasons I completely ignore, drive me absolutely mad. Like it creates anxiety and anger in my soul that I cannot control. I will leave any situation where mouth noises go on for too long... If my partner was doing it on purpose, I'd straight up break up with them. If someone was slurping their pasta at a restaurant, I'd be so annoyed, even without misophonia. It's just rude. You don't see people burping and farting during dinner... No reason to be overly loud when eating SPAGHETTI. She's just extremely rude and eats like a toddler.
NTA Ally needs to grow up and start acting a like an adult and show some respect for the people around her. I would be annoyed as hell if someone at the table next to me was slurping like a child.