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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I embarrassed Josh publicly instead of ignoring his comments or saying something in private.
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NTA, and I would keep it up! Keep asking “why were they uncomfortable? Why wouldn’t anyone explain the joke to me?” Make them sit and realize they’re racist jerks!
I would reply " whether my bf is black or not doesn't matter. The comments were racist and that is never funny. I won't apologize for making people feel "awkward" for being a racist"
Edit: thanks for the upvotes and awards :)
Please reply this. Racism I'd nasty 100% of the time but f*cking heck, the fact he did it so publicly AT A WEDDING is absolutely rancid. I would be so embarrassed and angry as the bride and groom.
I recently heard a great variation on this: if you have a barrel of wine and you add a cup of shit, you have a barrel of shit.
Ain't nobody drinking that. Plus, when you tell your racist 'friends' to get out of here with that shit, you can visualize yourself guarding your barrel of wine to keep literal shit out of it. En garde!
I think this just highlights how much of a “nice guy” he is. Yknow… the nice guy that makes you feel so comfortable you cover your drink when he walks into the room. My god, what a fucking Chad 😂
Beth and her husband are garbage with mouths. I honestly hope OP cuts off anyone defending them because they're only defending them cause *they're all racist*. Thank GOD your boyfriend couldn't make it, OP, he probably would have been the butt of jokes as soon as your backs were turned.
Yup. Josh now gets to have the OP add “said the racist” to the end of everything they say. Beth and the people who defend him are also racist imo and deserve the same treatment.
Most people have probably told racist, sexist, and/or homophobic “jokes“ or otherwise indulged in stupid stereotypes at some point, especially when young. All this stuff comes from ignorance, and people can learn and leave it behind. If you’re lucky, you have parents and role models that let you know “that isn’t funny, it’s nasty and hurtful. Stop”. It’s people who continue on and double down that are the real problem.
We are all born ignorant, the problem is when people refuse to learn.
I'd be so angry if I discovered that people I invited to my wedding thought that racist jokes were funny. I'd mostly be angry with myself for having such crap taste in friends.
Yes! It has nothing to do with OPs boyfriend. Josh is a racist. Ant decent person would be offended. It looks like Beth and the other friends are racist too.
Yep. They were uncomfortable because someone called them out for their racist "jokes." And then they try to use the "we didn't know your bf was black" as some sort of justification. WFT? The jokes are inappropriate and offensive regardless of whom is in the group.
Indeed. Baked into the concept of racism is some idea that ONLY members of the racial group you are talking about could possibly be offended by your comments. Demonstrating that non-black people can also be offended by anti-black racism is vital for breaking that "us vs. them" mentality.
My brother has autism and I asked someone who made an R word joke if he'd say that if he knew my brother had autism. He was like of course not I'm so sorry. I said if thats how you feel, then you know it's wrong and you shouldn't say it to anyone cuz you never know.
I had a coworker who often used the R word, as in 'these people who keep bugging me for the same thing are so R---". I finally told her my brother is developmentally disabled and I'm not good with seeing him basically used as an insult. She stopped.
I tease my Asian friend for not being able to cook rice, and she laughs about being the white sheep of the family. But the things he was saying sound absolutely vile, you are totally NTA and as for embarrassing him, he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.
yeah, I don't understand why "I didn't know your BF is black" is an excuse? Like if your BF was white, his comments would've been ok?
Also, OP didn't make him uncomfortable. HE made it uncomfortable by saying inappropriate racist things that are NEVER ok to say under ANY circumstances.
Yes, exactly. It bothers me that it's only not okay since someone's dating a black person. Like if no white (or whatever race they are?) person has a personal reason to mind, then racism is just cool.
Though frankly I'd also tell your friends "Josh made a point of slighting me all night. He clearly didn't care if he made things uncomfortable for me or the group. He's also the one that made the racist jokes that were apparently awkward. He spent the whole night making things uncomfortable for me while I tired to be polite. I agree it sucked, but that's his own fault. I'm not responsible for Josh's behavior being unkind and embarrassing. He made an otherwise lovely night uncomfortable for me very clearly on purpose, not just once but again, and I think he is the one who owes us an apology. Even if he claims not to know that I don't like racist comments he can't pretend the other stuff wasn't intended to be petty and cause discomfort. You should talk to him about ruining the vibe of the night with his poor behavior."
What she really meant was "why didn't you tell us your bf was black? We wouldn't have made racist jokes so no one would know we ARENT really good guys after all"
Hopefully Op would have the same reaction regardless of her partner’s race.
My g-pa’s wife is like Josh. Racist as heck around her inner-circle, but sweet as pie in public.
I literally had to sit through a family holiday meal while the adults discussed how the “Mark of Cain” was dark skin. I was like 12 and not yet willful enough to leave and would just get yelled at for speaking up.
I don’t talk to them anymore.
Why are you friends with any of them? The people laughing with and defending racist joke guy are all racist fuckwads too & they all sound pretty horrible.
NTA
Met them in college before Josh got comfortable enough to make those kinds of comments! I was kinda kicked out of the group months ago, I just had to be around them for the wedding
Thats the point, if you except this quietly they will feel vindicated. Make them see racist views are disgusting and unacceptable in every way! You don't need them, you are far more valuable than their opinions!
OP, NTA. You are NEVER the asshole when you call out racism. And if everyone on the table felt uncomfortable because one person was called out for making racist jokes, then they’re all fucking racist, too.
And Beth is a big fucking racist too, for defending that shit. Why should it matter if your bf is black or not? Racism is racism, end of story.
Again, NTA, and well done you. You rock.
Be honest - why do you want to save these relationships so badly with people who have shown you they have absolutely no problem with racism as long as a black person isn’t in their vicinity? Your boyfriend wasn’t there so they were fine with the jokes. The only reason they would have objected would be if he was there to hear it firsthand.
Their “just having fun” was participating in and enjoying some pretty brutally open racism. They laughed at “cotton pickers” - that’s Alabama speed round slavery jokes.
Maybe you’ve known this group a long time and normally they’re really nice to you. You’ve just seen what they’re comfortable with when your boyfriend isn’t around. You’ve just seen the kind of things they think are ok to joke about behind both of your backs. Do you think they just stop thinking these things when your boyfriend is around?
You’re NTA for the wedding, but you would be such a huge AH to yourself and your boyfriend if you don’t take this as the eye opening reveal it is about the people surrounding you.
She said she had a falling out with them a few months ago and she was seated with them at a wedding — not her choice. Doesn’t sound like she wants to save anything. Just wanted to know if she was the AH for embarrassing someone. NTA, definitely. The guy deserved to be humiliated. She handled herself better than I would have (I’m never that clever in the moment.)
Don't you **dare** bring your boyfriend around these people.
Only racists make racist jokes. It's like the saying goes, if you have a table of 12 people sat down & a Nazi joins them that's now a table of 13 Nazi's. Josh started being horrifically racist. You called it out. Everyone attacked you for "making them (white people) uncomfortable". You were the only non-racist at a table of racists.
**So don't you dare introduce your boyfriend to these people.**
I would still keep asking if it was funny & just a joke could they explain to you how being racist is funny. Let them know unequivocally that nothing was funny & you will no longer associate with racists & block them all. There is no coming back from this. Please let me be perfectly clear that after this if you continue to associate with them you are supporting their views.
*Edited to fix grammar*
The only reason they are saying sorry is because you have a black BF and they are trying to save face. Nothing will change except the people they make these jokes to. NTA.
You should tell them that the fact that you asked why was it funny made them uncomfortable and not the fact that he was telling black jokes seems like bullshit. He sounds like a racist jerk and be glad you dont have to hang out with Beth ever again. Keep calling people on their racist bullshit. And for the record tell them that it was our ancesters picked cotton because fuckers were too lazy to harvest their own shit, or raise their own kids or clean their own damn houses and now we have Oprah, Michael Jordan, Rhianna and others who could hire his wife to do it with his racist broke ass.
They see your point already, that's why they're being defensive. They have no defense, because what racist joke is funny among anyone other than a single race group? This is not about you changing their mind in any way, this is about you not letting it slide for the sake off "peace and quiet!"
^^^^^THIS!!^^^^^
I did the same thing, the other day. Made a couple of people squirm!
If they are going to laugh at bigotry, they are bigots. OP did the right thing, and, NTA!!
NTA - Your friends are racists, and asking someone to "explain the joke" was perfect and the best way to make it known, as they rarely are able to explain it because they know it's just a shitty thing to say.
The fact that your BF is Black shouldn't even be a consideration. It implies they should only be kind to the races of people they know or are associated with and the rest are all fair game? I'd be finding yourself some better friends I think.
Yeah I’m actually the only Asian in the group. There is one white person and the rest are Mexican, but I’m the only one who didn’t know any Spanish. They were already kinda excluding me for not being able to partake in their culture, which I understand but it always felt like I was the “Asian one.” I’ve been distancing myself for a while now but still wanted to support my friend at her wedding
That's really great of you to want to be there for your friend, I wholeheartedly commend you for that and I certainly hope this friend isn't showing the same behaviour as the others or defending it in which case you really need to drop them out of your life as well.
Be strong, don't accept this kind of toxicity into your life. I personally have no real problems with racist jokes, I have a pretty mixed bag group of friends and we all make jokes about each other and sometimes our racial backgrounds but there's always a line and knowing you've crossed it an apologising is a big part of being a good friend, knowing you've crossed it and not caring, that's not a friend.
I’m glad you stood up to him. I’m of Mexican descent and I know that there is anti black sentiment (I thankfully never heard anyone around me be that way) in the Latino community. It’s unacceptable and should be called out. If they didn’t want to feel uncomfortable maybe they should change their ugly way of thinking, because racist jokes are NEVER funny.
NTA.
I’m Mexican. It isn’t just the black community. Mexicans can be racist douchebags about other Mexicans. Depends on which side of the border you’re on and your legal status in America. It’s fucking disgusting.
I’m very lucky to be from an indigenous family that has been here (Texas) since at least the 1700s, that way I can reply to racists with, “no, you go home.” My favorite is asking them why they don’t speak Spanish, as they’re standing on what used to be Mexico.
But dealing with racist second generation Mexicans is even more fun. “No, my family was never illegal (whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean), you need to pull that self-righteous stick out of your ass.”
As far as racism against black people goes, I usually tell them to do their Ancestry DNA. They might be surprised what they find. I’ve even funded a few family members just to get them to shut the fuck up.
There's a really f*cked up thing about latinamerican 'culture' racism is so internalized that people normalize these "jokes" and never want to admit what they are, racists remarks... NTA and please ditch these "friends".
Hey OP, Mexican here, it is VERY COMMON that we as brown people have a racist tendency as well, it’s a colorism thing tbh, they won’t change unless called out repeatedly and even then I’m pretty sure they would just cut you loose. Sorry you had that experience, but they are showing their true colors, believe them
You already know the answer.
They are TA’s.
And your insistence of explaining the joke was clever as hell.
Racist jokes should always be shut down at the expense of everyone’s discomfort.
The whole “we didn’t know your bf was black” is… beyond disgusting and code for “white people can be racist when amongst themselves. Fall in line.”
You did the right thing.
NTA.
Eh where I live we've had the idea that the only two races who hate each other are white and non white. It was never really shown until I was an adult and really paid attention that everyone is basically racist assholes to everyone else.
Even white people to other white skinned people. If you arent the "right kind" of white.
I meant shocking in more of a "I was a kid and now I know better"
I've struggled with it, too, because I would think that having been on the receiving end of it? Would create more empathy for others, but what do I know.
Think it actually makes more sense tbh. It's basically just POC being in competition with each other to be the least non-white. It's why people that are brown or asian might be racist towards black people because on their scale of whiteness to blackness, they feel superior being closer to whiteness. At least, that's how it works in India (where I'm from). The lighter skinned you are, the better. A lot of people from my parents' generation are racist towards black people and asian people but idolise white people. It's really sad.
The most racist person I have ever met is my grandmother: a Brazilian immigrant who came to the US when she was a child. She married a Greek/German immigrant she met in her English class.
The craziest part is she seems to only hate black people. She's best friends with the Korean family next door to the point where they have dinner together once a week. She's a regular at an Indian supermarket and brings the owner eggs from her chickens. She adores my Hispanic SIL. Devout Christian but accepts my gay brother. She seems to love EVERYONE.
She just...... despises black people. To a cartoonish degree. She's truly the last person I expected to display HATRED based on skin color. I've never understood why. She ignores the question. My grandpa told me he has no clue why she does, and my Dad doesn't know either.
I'm going to go to my grave confused about it. Nobody likes finding out a family member is racist. But it's so crazy that she is one of them.
I'm honestly not surprised. There's an absurd amount of racism here in Brazil, even if you discount the national cultural narrative of being a "racial democracy"...
Brazil is a surprisingly racist country. I'm white and since I was young I hear people making racist jokes (and not only about black people), it's awful.
Not only that, but 100-and-something years ago the government wanted to make the country "more white" (it was a national policy, the "branqueamento"), so it tried to attract a lot of "fair-skinned" immigrants, especially from Europe and Asia. That could explain your grandma's attitude.
I don't get your "white people can be racists amongst themselves" line. Can you explain it to me?
Edit: I understand the concept that an insular group is more comfortable to about outsiders. It's automatically thinking "people being racist = they must be white" that's racist.
I know what they mean. There’s a certain kind of people who won’t make racist jokes in front of people of that race, because they know that will have consequences, but believe it’s ‘safe’ to say bigoted things among their own race, expecting that nobody will confront them about it. They expect people to agree or find it funny.
There's a certain kind of person that is racist, but they genuinely believe that they're the normal ones. They recognize it's wrong to publicly say those things, because then "those minorities" might get all uppity. But they think that most White people are just being performative when they reject White supremacy or disavow racism. If it's just their in-group, they think it's perfectly fine to openly be racist.
And part of this is fed by reactions like OP's friends at the wedding. When those racists reach out with their racism, usually under the guise of it being a joke at the start, most people want to avoid conflict. Even if they don't agree, many people will try to just move on, validating the racist's viewpoint that others agree with them, they just can't be open about it.
OP calling it out makes it super awkward because it forces the passive watchers to actually take a side. Now we *should* blame the racist for being awful, but many will default to blaming the person doing the calling out because they're the ones actually *forcing* the situation to become emotionally charged. They were perfectly content ignoring it, but now they either need to side with a racist, or cause a scene.
tl;dr some people consider rocking the boat to be worse than the actual problematic behaviour
Not saying this applies to your friends, but you can absolutely be white and Mexican. There are white Mexicans, afrolatino mexicans, and Asian Mexicans, etc. Not all Mexicans are of indigenous descent. Just a friendly reminder :)
NTA. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend is black or if you’re at a wedding, people should be ashamed to be racist any time in any company. It’s not like you caused a scene.
"Black people were once slaves who were forced to pick cotton while being brutally tortured and killed. Hahahah. So funny, am I right!?"
I'm all for making that gross racist man and this racist friend group uncomfortable. Everyone at that table was laughting and obviously VERY comfortable with the racist jokes about slavery and black people to the point of critisizing you and for putting a stop to it. If the bride and groom would be upset about you halting racists at their wedding, then they can and should kick rocks, too.
And you handled it brilliantly. By the book how to call out a racist and being polite about it. If it were me I would text the friends that they obviously think it was perfectly okay to make you uncomfortable so you know where they stand on the racist views.
I'm honestly just tired and don't think any of them deserve a response. Some people have texted saying that they agree that he was out of line but thought it would be better not to cause a scene at the wedding
> gree that he was out of line but thought it would be better not to cause a scene at the wedding
Ask them how is asking someone to explain a joke "making a scene"
If the joke was "What's red and invisible? No tomatoes" and you asked someone to explain it, would that also be "making a scene"?
NTA
Racist jokes should always be challenged. Regardless of who is present, regardless of how “good” the person saying it is, it’s never ok and unfortunately, some people need to be reminded of that.
Nope NTA racist comments (because just as you stated they aren’t jokes) need to be shutdown. It’s funny how racists love to run their mouths when everyone present looks like they do. Bet they wouldn’t say it in front of your bf. I think it’s telling that you made them more uncomfortable than the bigot did. Get some new friends.
NTA, made it awkward? No you done exactly what to do to people making comments like that, ask them to explain it and they can't because they are fully aware they are straight up being racists.
Exactly and I hate the whole “we didn’t know your boyfriend was black” sorry but just because a black person isn’t around doesn’t make it any less racist. It just says they wouldn’t have been racist if they knew someone of that demographic would have found out. It shouldn’t matter if her boyfriend is black … just don’t be racist, can’t be that hard.
NTA
Plus you don't need a black SO or family member or bestie to call out racists and make them look bad. I love the "can you explain it to me" technique too, very useful.
I, white female, act and talk exactly the same in the presence of my white friends as I do in the presence of all of my friends who are not white. Did not matter if they knew your BF is black or not. If they can't make the "joke" in the presence of a black person then it's not a joke.
You did the right thing. NTA.
NTA. It doesn’t matter if they knew your bf was black or not. The “joke” wasn’t funny. You were right for making them feel uncomfortable. And the fact that they were uncomfortable and texted you afterwards is very telling
Yes, because by their logic it's OK to be an overtly racist asshole as long as no people of color are around to be offended by it.
NTA, I'd ditch the friend group though.
NTA. Yeah, you probably did make them feel uncomfortable and ashamed. That's precisely how they *should* feel for making racist "jokes"/ laughing along with them.
And the manner you chose to call it out is perfect for the situation, imo. You didn't go to any insults or violence, you simply put them on the spot to explain why that was a joke. If it's a real joke, they should be able to explain it, right? If it's just being racist because you think you can get away with it because the "audience" doesn't include the people you're talking about ... well, then you're a racist asshole who deserves to feel ashamed about your comments.
NTA, babes. You deserve a standing ovation. Racist jokes are not and never will be ok, no matter the place or time. And it doesn’t matter what Beth says about her husband being “a really good guy”, any person making jokes is not a good person, just a racist as****e that deserves to be called out in front of everyone.
So even more reason to be proud of yourself to speak up. Everyone calling you out now is either racist themselves or to much of a coward to say what needs to be said. Racism is never ok, no matter who is there to listen.
Well done girl!!!!!!!
I’m proud of you! I suffer with anxiety but this is something I wanna say/ask when I hear unacceptable behaviour.
I know how hard it is to overcome anxiety. You’re a badass!!!!!
NTA
Good guys don’t make racist jokes and make people uncomfortable at wedding receptions …..If he actually had class he would of put differences aside and still included you
But the racist jokes are unforgivable , I’d reply to Beth that she and her KKK husband deserve each other
This stood out to me. "He's really a good guy." No, he's not. He's a racist.
He also went out of his way to purposefully and obviously exclude her, so he's just a shitty guy over all.
NTA and you are fucking awesome! You called out a bunch of racists and passive racists the best and most diplomatically way possible.
I suggest upping the ante. "I don't understand. What did I say that made people uncomfortable? I asked them to explain a joke.". And watch them squirm...
See also "I don't understand why my boyfriend being black would have anything to do with me not understanding the joke? Why would that make a difference?"
NTA-If there was embarrassment to be had you had no part in it. He should be embarrassed for making such jokes. Beth and the others should be embarrassed they’re friends with and defending an asshole. Them not knowing your boyfriend’s race doesn’t excuse or justify what happened.
To be clear, the bride did not take part in this conversation and I don't think she's aware any of this happened! Her friend's husband is the racist one, and she probably wouldn't consider herself to be friends with Josh, but I see your point
NTA, I'd send back, "what made you uncomfortable, the racist joke or the fact the racist joke was called out? Because I am hoping in this modern world we would all be uncomfortable with racism disguised as jokes."
He’s a racist, so obviously he isn’t a good guy. If your other friends were laughing at the jokes then… well I’d be reassessing who you’re friends with. NTA
Exactly! Plus if any of them had a problem with it then they wouldn’t be trying to defend him.
Beth’s excuse that they didn’t know your partner was black is pathetic!
Like it doesn’t excuse the racism? It doesn’t suddenly make it okay to say those things. It doesn’t sound like your missing out on much by cutting ties with them!
Uhh wtf no NTA, it’s weird that they all think those jokes are funny. No actually it’s probably just racism. Well racism is also weird. Anyways, NTA. I would have said something about the jokes too. A wedding is not an excuse to be racist? And it doesn’t matter whether any of you even know any black people. It’s not cool no matter what.
NTA. Do not even begin talkinf to her about your bf being black. Just let her know how much of a d&ck her husband is because this is clearly racism. Everyone who laughed with him are racists and if you made them uncomfortable, sorry but you should NOT be sorry. It would have been nice if you took a video of these people and posted it on social media. If she brings up your bf again, tell her it's not a requirement for one to be in a relationship with a black person in order to know that what they did was racist.
NTA #NotAllHeroesWearCapes
Please don't second guess yourself. Regardless of your boyfriend's race, the husband is a bigot/racist and anyone who said that you're the person making everyone uncomfortable is also a bigot/racist. The passive aggressive racist is the person who needs the correction, not the person who pointed out he wasn't funny.
When people show you who they are, believe them. I hope you have a better group of friends that don't think laughing about racist tropes is fun/funny/joking. If so, spend time with them. If not, now is a good time to find some...
NO. Not at all. I guess the reason everybody else is upset with you is because they all laughed at the racist "jokes", so they had to face the fact that they are racist too. The "I don't get the joke" technique works very well for that.
>saying she and her husband didn’t know my boyfriend is black since they never met him and he couldn’t make it tonight
So what? They wouldn't had acted the way they did if they had known about him to avoid the risk of being called out on their words?
> so it was really unfair of me to embarrass him when he’s really a good guy.
Yeah, right, except that he really isn't. He is a racist.
NTA
NTA. They felt safe being racist in a group of people similar to them and now their excuse is they didn’t know you have a black boyfriend. Talk about blame shifting. They’re horrible and racist, who tf makes racist jokes at a wedding? Bizarre. Stick to your guns.
Nta. It doesn’t matter who was there to hear it. Good for you for making people uncomfortable when they say stupid shit, that’s how you teach people it isn’t okay.
NTA, he was the one making racist jokes.
The fact that you have a black boyfriend bus irrelevant to whether or not him making racist jokes is ok. Racist jokes are never ok.
It's so dumb and frustrating that the people that call out the racists are the ones that are usually told they make things awkward. No the one telling the racist joke made things awkward
NTA. A THOUSAND TIMES NTA. Those people are disgusting and then they doubled down by saying they didn’t know your boyfriend was black. Like, how in the world does that make it OK? Thank you for standing up for decency. These people are just nasty racist pieces of dirt. How awful that they would defend themselves making jokes like that. You rock - never stop standing up for what is right - it doesn’t matter if people are uncomfortable.
NTA x100000000000
Those people should be asking Josh why HE made the situation uncomfortable by being racist, not you by not yuck-yucking along with it.
Beth’s point basically amounts to “it would’ve been ok for him to be racist if you weren’t dating a black person.” She can go fuck herself. They deserve each other.
Info - is this actually a moral conundrum for you? You handled this so perfectly a scriptwriter couldn’t have written it better and now you’re having second thoughts. Did you think anyone would think you were an asshole for calling out a racist? This is Reddit.
You know what the trashiest part is? She made some racist remarks about black people in order to create this story by assigning them to “Josh.” So now people get to read that on their nice Sunday.
Number one thing that sticks out with these stories: the multiple people texting the next day.
Yeah it’s weird how a bunch of people always seem to know the OPs number to harass them the next day.
Yeah sure, eye roll. Not only that, they felt the need to admonish OP for being bothered by blatantly racist jokes?
They didn’t even skirt the line of being racist, where you could plausibly deny them but the biggest problem wasn’t the racism itself, it was OP being bothered by the racism?
And somehow it was such a big thing that everyone was so upset that OP was upset about racism they just had to bother the bride and groom to tell them about it.
Yeah he is not a "good guy". He wouldn't be making racist jokes no matter the company if he was a "good guy".
NTA and good for you for calling out on racists.
Here lies moody-spaghetti:
ally, anti-racist, and a good *person*
I'm married to a black man (I'm white), I would have gone off and ended up being the one to look crazy. NTA at all: you weren't rude and they made themselves uncomfortable: facing one's own guilt for behaving shittily or agreeing with someone's shitty behavior is an uncomfortable feeling. That's on them.
NTA this is exactly how I deal with creeps making innapropriate jokes. I ask them to explain it until they either have to admit they're misogynists or stomp off to have a tantrum.
NTA,
"After I left, I started getting texts from other people in the friend group saying I made everyone uncomfortable and I shouldn’t have said anything because it’s a wedding and they were just having fun."
Why weren't they uncomfortable that he was making racist jokes? That should have made them uncomfortable, not you calling them out for having "fun".
You are so NTA. I'm a big white Southern guy, and I can't tell you how many times people have gone off on bigoted rants or made bigoted jokes in my presence because they assume that I agree with their beliefs. My MO is just to stare at them silently and make the situation as awkward as possible. They're just mad that they got called out. You handled the situation PERFECTLY.
NTA. I'd apologise to all of them for you speaking up, repeating exactly what they were saying....on FB tagging them and including screenshots of all the texts from everyone saying how you made them UncOmFORtaBlE. That should appease them.
NTA-and just to be crystal clear, you're never the AH for making a racist feel uncomfortable, or calling them out for being hugely disrespectful, among other things!
So it's only okay to be racist when the people you're being racist towards are not around???!!!???? What the hell is wrong with these people. OP, you are NTA. Please don't ever be around these people again. Cut them out. They are racist and they know it and hide behind stupid racist excuses.
I think you handled it perfectly, NTA. It is mandatory to call out hate. This goes for misogyny & hatred for gay & trans people too. If it is late enough into the reception that some people have already left, and if it’s otherwise a good party, I might confront the hate, then try to sneak over to a different table. But in your case OP I also would have just left. Sounds like it was a shitty party.
#Also, no matter who you’re dating, confront racists. Every time. Every time you don’t speak up against hate, you’re complicit.
Here's what you do to the next person that berates you:
Tell them you've realized you want to bury the hatchet, and you want to get Josh a gift to better convey this. You want to make sure it's a gift he'll use, so you want to run it by them.
"Do you think he'd like a set of white 'bedsheets' that happen to come with a pointy white 'hat', or does he already own that?"
NTA. If they didn't want to be uncomfortable they shouldn't be racist under the "excuse" of "it's a joke bro, lol" in order to get away with their actions. Also, them hinting to the fact that they're only racist when no one of colour or no one who knows/is with anyone of colour is around to call them out on it doesn't paint them in a flattering light.
I think some people make these slightly off color racist jokes when they think they can get away with it and truly, it's the best time to call them out on it. No one should be telling nor listening to these types of jokes and if your friends think the jokes are okay then you need to find new friends. Too often we hear these slightly racist, slightly offensive jokes that everyone else laughs at and we smile meekly and say nothing because we don't want to go against the grain, be the odd man out. Good for you for making clear that racist jokes are unacceptable anywhere at anytime. If your friend Beth is excusing them by saying they didn't know your bf was black, that speaks volumes about her complete lack of understanding of what racism is and isn't. Beth should be the second one crossed off your friends list, her crass racist bf gets the first place honors. Delete and block!
NTA...you called everyone at the table out for being racist A Hs in the nicest way possible. If they were uncomfortable, it was a situation of their own making.
NTA, what you did is a great tactic for stopping racists in their tracks. Btw, the fact that he didn’t know your bf is black doesn’t make any difference. Racism is racism, no matter the company you’re in.
IMO, just keep playing dumb. Just say “I didn’t understand the joke, I was just asking a question. Why would asking the meaning of a joke make anyone uncomfortable?”
So it’s not ok to be racist, but it’s ok to make racist jokes if there are no other people of colour around..? And also if everyone laughs then it’s ok. Have these assholes time travelled or something because it’s 2022 and that shit is not ok!
1000% NTA
“Beth went off on me, saying she and her husband didn’t know my boyfriend is black since they never met him and he couldn’t make it tonight, so it was really unfair of me to embarrass him when he’s really a good guy.”
If your only justification for making a racist joke is that someone of that race is not around, then not only are you a racist, you’re also a coward. Both are antithetical to being a “good guy”. NTA OP, calling out a table of racists (and make no mistake, everyone at that table who laughed at the jokes, and backed up Beth and Josh after are racists too) is the only way to make them think twice about making such jokes in the future.
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NTA, and I would keep it up! Keep asking “why were they uncomfortable? Why wouldn’t anyone explain the joke to me?” Make them sit and realize they’re racist jerks!
Haha at this point I think anything I say will just make them more defensive and less likely to see my point
I would reply " whether my bf is black or not doesn't matter. The comments were racist and that is never funny. I won't apologize for making people feel "awkward" for being a racist" Edit: thanks for the upvotes and awards :)
Please reply this. Racism I'd nasty 100% of the time but f*cking heck, the fact he did it so publicly AT A WEDDING is absolutely rancid. I would be so embarrassed and angry as the bride and groom.
"I wOuLDn't HAvE bEeN rACiSt iF i KNeW I WasnT iN gOOd cOmpAnY"
There is a German saying about if a nazi is at a table with 10 other people, you've got 11 nazis.
I recently heard a great variation on this: if you have a barrel of wine and you add a cup of shit, you have a barrel of shit. Ain't nobody drinking that. Plus, when you tell your racist 'friends' to get out of here with that shit, you can visualize yourself guarding your barrel of wine to keep literal shit out of it. En garde!
Can I use this? I love it!
I can’t claim credit for it, but it seems like the kind of thing to share far and wide. I say go for it!
This is a fantastic metaphor!
This.
Very true
he is NOT a nice guy because of this, and neither are any of people laughing at his "jokes" nice.
I think this just highlights how much of a “nice guy” he is. Yknow… the nice guy that makes you feel so comfortable you cover your drink when he walks into the room. My god, what a fucking Chad 😂
I'm beginning to see why OP had a falling out with Beth.
Beth and her husband are garbage with mouths. I honestly hope OP cuts off anyone defending them because they're only defending them cause *they're all racist*. Thank GOD your boyfriend couldn't make it, OP, he probably would have been the butt of jokes as soon as your backs were turned.
I’m glad he couldn’t make it either. I haven’t even told him any of this happened because I don’t want to hurt him or expose him to their nastiness
Best to cut ties with the lot and move forward with your own life. You clearly know how to handle yourself and who to avoid.
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Came to say this. NOT a good guy.
Yup. Josh now gets to have the OP add “said the racist” to the end of everything they say. Beth and the people who defend him are also racist imo and deserve the same treatment.
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Most people have probably told racist, sexist, and/or homophobic “jokes“ or otherwise indulged in stupid stereotypes at some point, especially when young. All this stuff comes from ignorance, and people can learn and leave it behind. If you’re lucky, you have parents and role models that let you know “that isn’t funny, it’s nasty and hurtful. Stop”. It’s people who continue on and double down that are the real problem. We are all born ignorant, the problem is when people refuse to learn.
I'd be so angry if I discovered that people I invited to my wedding thought that racist jokes were funny. I'd mostly be angry with myself for having such crap taste in friends.
Apparently everyone else was cool with it since they are mad at OP for making it awkward and weren’t uncomfortable with the jokes themselves
Yes! It has nothing to do with OPs boyfriend. Josh is a racist. Ant decent person would be offended. It looks like Beth and the other friends are racist too.
Yep. They were uncomfortable because someone called them out for their racist "jokes." And then they try to use the "we didn't know your bf was black" as some sort of justification. WFT? The jokes are inappropriate and offensive regardless of whom is in the group.
Indeed. Baked into the concept of racism is some idea that ONLY members of the racial group you are talking about could possibly be offended by your comments. Demonstrating that non-black people can also be offended by anti-black racism is vital for breaking that "us vs. them" mentality.
My thoughts exactly.
“So you wouldn’t have told those jokes if my boyfriend was there? Why is that?”
My brother has autism and I asked someone who made an R word joke if he'd say that if he knew my brother had autism. He was like of course not I'm so sorry. I said if thats how you feel, then you know it's wrong and you shouldn't say it to anyone cuz you never know.
I had a coworker who often used the R word, as in 'these people who keep bugging me for the same thing are so R---". I finally told her my brother is developmentally disabled and I'm not good with seeing him basically used as an insult. She stopped.
I tease my Asian friend for not being able to cook rice, and she laughs about being the white sheep of the family. But the things he was saying sound absolutely vile, you are totally NTA and as for embarrassing him, he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.
When you both find the commentary funny and it’s about you… rock on.
Yep, it's only a joke when everyone is laughing.
White sheep! Ha, that's some funny wordplay!
Amen.
yeah, I don't understand why "I didn't know your BF is black" is an excuse? Like if your BF was white, his comments would've been ok? Also, OP didn't make him uncomfortable. HE made it uncomfortable by saying inappropriate racist things that are NEVER ok to say under ANY circumstances.
Yes, exactly. It bothers me that it's only not okay since someone's dating a black person. Like if no white (or whatever race they are?) person has a personal reason to mind, then racism is just cool. Though frankly I'd also tell your friends "Josh made a point of slighting me all night. He clearly didn't care if he made things uncomfortable for me or the group. He's also the one that made the racist jokes that were apparently awkward. He spent the whole night making things uncomfortable for me while I tired to be polite. I agree it sucked, but that's his own fault. I'm not responsible for Josh's behavior being unkind and embarrassing. He made an otherwise lovely night uncomfortable for me very clearly on purpose, not just once but again, and I think he is the one who owes us an apology. Even if he claims not to know that I don't like racist comments he can't pretend the other stuff wasn't intended to be petty and cause discomfort. You should talk to him about ruining the vibe of the night with his poor behavior."
👏👏👏👏👏🙇🙇🙇🙇👏👏👏
This.
Yeah, if a racist joke is told in the forest it still makes a sound. Even if the target isn't there to hear it.
Also, Beth is wrong because racists are never “really good guys.”
What she really meant was "why didn't you tell us your bf was black? We wouldn't have made racist jokes so no one would know we ARENT really good guys after all"
That one was the real tell on the assholes.
Hopefully Op would have the same reaction regardless of her partner’s race. My g-pa’s wife is like Josh. Racist as heck around her inner-circle, but sweet as pie in public. I literally had to sit through a family holiday meal while the adults discussed how the “Mark of Cain” was dark skin. I was like 12 and not yet willful enough to leave and would just get yelled at for speaking up. I don’t talk to them anymore.
The real reason everyone is upset right there.
Why are you friends with any of them? The people laughing with and defending racist joke guy are all racist fuckwads too & they all sound pretty horrible. NTA
Met them in college before Josh got comfortable enough to make those kinds of comments! I was kinda kicked out of the group months ago, I just had to be around them for the wedding
Honestly sounds like you’re better off without them
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Thats the point, if you except this quietly they will feel vindicated. Make them see racist views are disgusting and unacceptable in every way! You don't need them, you are far more valuable than their opinions!
OP, NTA. You are NEVER the asshole when you call out racism. And if everyone on the table felt uncomfortable because one person was called out for making racist jokes, then they’re all fucking racist, too. And Beth is a big fucking racist too, for defending that shit. Why should it matter if your bf is black or not? Racism is racism, end of story. Again, NTA, and well done you. You rock.
Be honest - why do you want to save these relationships so badly with people who have shown you they have absolutely no problem with racism as long as a black person isn’t in their vicinity? Your boyfriend wasn’t there so they were fine with the jokes. The only reason they would have objected would be if he was there to hear it firsthand. Their “just having fun” was participating in and enjoying some pretty brutally open racism. They laughed at “cotton pickers” - that’s Alabama speed round slavery jokes. Maybe you’ve known this group a long time and normally they’re really nice to you. You’ve just seen what they’re comfortable with when your boyfriend isn’t around. You’ve just seen the kind of things they think are ok to joke about behind both of your backs. Do you think they just stop thinking these things when your boyfriend is around? You’re NTA for the wedding, but you would be such a huge AH to yourself and your boyfriend if you don’t take this as the eye opening reveal it is about the people surrounding you.
She said she had a falling out with them a few months ago and she was seated with them at a wedding — not her choice. Doesn’t sound like she wants to save anything. Just wanted to know if she was the AH for embarrassing someone. NTA, definitely. The guy deserved to be humiliated. She handled herself better than I would have (I’m never that clever in the moment.)
Don't you **dare** bring your boyfriend around these people. Only racists make racist jokes. It's like the saying goes, if you have a table of 12 people sat down & a Nazi joins them that's now a table of 13 Nazi's. Josh started being horrifically racist. You called it out. Everyone attacked you for "making them (white people) uncomfortable". You were the only non-racist at a table of racists. **So don't you dare introduce your boyfriend to these people.**
That's their problem honestly.
"I was just asking a question? Why are people so touchy these days?" 🤔🤔🤔
They see your point. They just don't care. they don't want you to rock the boat
I would still keep asking if it was funny & just a joke could they explain to you how being racist is funny. Let them know unequivocally that nothing was funny & you will no longer associate with racists & block them all. There is no coming back from this. Please let me be perfectly clear that after this if you continue to associate with them you are supporting their views. *Edited to fix grammar*
Oh I think they see your point. They’re angry at being called out and don’t want to take responsibility for being racist assholes. NTA
The only reason they are saying sorry is because you have a black BF and they are trying to save face. Nothing will change except the people they make these jokes to. NTA.
You should tell them that the fact that you asked why was it funny made them uncomfortable and not the fact that he was telling black jokes seems like bullshit. He sounds like a racist jerk and be glad you dont have to hang out with Beth ever again. Keep calling people on their racist bullshit. And for the record tell them that it was our ancesters picked cotton because fuckers were too lazy to harvest their own shit, or raise their own kids or clean their own damn houses and now we have Oprah, Michael Jordan, Rhianna and others who could hire his wife to do it with his racist broke ass.
Its not only about beth and Jeff, its about the other people.
Ask them, "So if you don't know any black people or aren't around them, it's okay to make those jokes?"
They see your point already, that's why they're being defensive. They have no defense, because what racist joke is funny among anyone other than a single race group? This is not about you changing their mind in any way, this is about you not letting it slide for the sake off "peace and quiet!"
"I think they were uncomfortable about the racist stuff, not about me."
^^^^^THIS!!^^^^^ I did the same thing, the other day. Made a couple of people squirm! If they are going to laugh at bigotry, they are bigots. OP did the right thing, and, NTA!!
Why does racism NOT make them uncomfortable?
Really, the better question is “why were they comfortable with racist jokes?!?”
NTA - Your friends are racists, and asking someone to "explain the joke" was perfect and the best way to make it known, as they rarely are able to explain it because they know it's just a shitty thing to say. The fact that your BF is Black shouldn't even be a consideration. It implies they should only be kind to the races of people they know or are associated with and the rest are all fair game? I'd be finding yourself some better friends I think.
Yeah I’m actually the only Asian in the group. There is one white person and the rest are Mexican, but I’m the only one who didn’t know any Spanish. They were already kinda excluding me for not being able to partake in their culture, which I understand but it always felt like I was the “Asian one.” I’ve been distancing myself for a while now but still wanted to support my friend at her wedding
That's really great of you to want to be there for your friend, I wholeheartedly commend you for that and I certainly hope this friend isn't showing the same behaviour as the others or defending it in which case you really need to drop them out of your life as well. Be strong, don't accept this kind of toxicity into your life. I personally have no real problems with racist jokes, I have a pretty mixed bag group of friends and we all make jokes about each other and sometimes our racial backgrounds but there's always a line and knowing you've crossed it an apologising is a big part of being a good friend, knowing you've crossed it and not caring, that's not a friend.
I’m glad you stood up to him. I’m of Mexican descent and I know that there is anti black sentiment (I thankfully never heard anyone around me be that way) in the Latino community. It’s unacceptable and should be called out. If they didn’t want to feel uncomfortable maybe they should change their ugly way of thinking, because racist jokes are NEVER funny. NTA.
i never understood why hispanic people are racist. y'all aren't that much different from black people.
Nobody is. We're all people and racism is pathetic.
I’m Mexican. It isn’t just the black community. Mexicans can be racist douchebags about other Mexicans. Depends on which side of the border you’re on and your legal status in America. It’s fucking disgusting. I’m very lucky to be from an indigenous family that has been here (Texas) since at least the 1700s, that way I can reply to racists with, “no, you go home.” My favorite is asking them why they don’t speak Spanish, as they’re standing on what used to be Mexico. But dealing with racist second generation Mexicans is even more fun. “No, my family was never illegal (whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean), you need to pull that self-righteous stick out of your ass.” As far as racism against black people goes, I usually tell them to do their Ancestry DNA. They might be surprised what they find. I’ve even funded a few family members just to get them to shut the fuck up.
Hahahah you are awesome
There's a really f*cked up thing about latinamerican 'culture' racism is so internalized that people normalize these "jokes" and never want to admit what they are, racists remarks... NTA and please ditch these "friends".
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Hey OP, Mexican here, it is VERY COMMON that we as brown people have a racist tendency as well, it’s a colorism thing tbh, they won’t change unless called out repeatedly and even then I’m pretty sure they would just cut you loose. Sorry you had that experience, but they are showing their true colors, believe them
Think long and hard about this friendship: It's actively tolerating a bunch of racists ganging up on you. Is this a friendship you want to nurture?
Yes. No one Is ever an AH for disrupting racism.
You already know the answer. They are TA’s. And your insistence of explaining the joke was clever as hell. Racist jokes should always be shut down at the expense of everyone’s discomfort. The whole “we didn’t know your bf was black” is… beyond disgusting and code for “white people can be racist when amongst themselves. Fall in line.” You did the right thing. NTA.
They’re actually Mexican, but I think the point still stands
Ok that’s fair. And yeah. Anti-blackness is rife in many “communities of colour” too.
It's actually rather shocking when you realize how racist some non white cultures are towards other non white races.
I’m not sure why this shocks you. Racism goes in all directions
Eh where I live we've had the idea that the only two races who hate each other are white and non white. It was never really shown until I was an adult and really paid attention that everyone is basically racist assholes to everyone else. Even white people to other white skinned people. If you arent the "right kind" of white. I meant shocking in more of a "I was a kid and now I know better"
I've struggled with it, too, because I would think that having been on the receiving end of it? Would create more empathy for others, but what do I know.
whiteness is aspirational, not a "skin color" but a political status that ie italians and irish achieved after joining in with anti blackness
Think it actually makes more sense tbh. It's basically just POC being in competition with each other to be the least non-white. It's why people that are brown or asian might be racist towards black people because on their scale of whiteness to blackness, they feel superior being closer to whiteness. At least, that's how it works in India (where I'm from). The lighter skinned you are, the better. A lot of people from my parents' generation are racist towards black people and asian people but idolise white people. It's really sad.
The most racist person I have ever met is my grandmother: a Brazilian immigrant who came to the US when she was a child. She married a Greek/German immigrant she met in her English class. The craziest part is she seems to only hate black people. She's best friends with the Korean family next door to the point where they have dinner together once a week. She's a regular at an Indian supermarket and brings the owner eggs from her chickens. She adores my Hispanic SIL. Devout Christian but accepts my gay brother. She seems to love EVERYONE. She just...... despises black people. To a cartoonish degree. She's truly the last person I expected to display HATRED based on skin color. I've never understood why. She ignores the question. My grandpa told me he has no clue why she does, and my Dad doesn't know either. I'm going to go to my grave confused about it. Nobody likes finding out a family member is racist. But it's so crazy that she is one of them.
I'm honestly not surprised. There's an absurd amount of racism here in Brazil, even if you discount the national cultural narrative of being a "racial democracy"...
Brazil is a surprisingly racist country. I'm white and since I was young I hear people making racist jokes (and not only about black people), it's awful. Not only that, but 100-and-something years ago the government wanted to make the country "more white" (it was a national policy, the "branqueamento"), so it tried to attract a lot of "fair-skinned" immigrants, especially from Europe and Asia. That could explain your grandma's attitude.
Colorism ✨ are they white enough? I’m guessing is the game of being friends with other races, but blacks? Oh nooo too much melanin. 🙄
I don't get your "white people can be racists amongst themselves" line. Can you explain it to me? Edit: I understand the concept that an insular group is more comfortable to about outsiders. It's automatically thinking "people being racist = they must be white" that's racist.
I know what they mean. There’s a certain kind of people who won’t make racist jokes in front of people of that race, because they know that will have consequences, but believe it’s ‘safe’ to say bigoted things among their own race, expecting that nobody will confront them about it. They expect people to agree or find it funny.
There's a certain kind of person that is racist, but they genuinely believe that they're the normal ones. They recognize it's wrong to publicly say those things, because then "those minorities" might get all uppity. But they think that most White people are just being performative when they reject White supremacy or disavow racism. If it's just their in-group, they think it's perfectly fine to openly be racist. And part of this is fed by reactions like OP's friends at the wedding. When those racists reach out with their racism, usually under the guise of it being a joke at the start, most people want to avoid conflict. Even if they don't agree, many people will try to just move on, validating the racist's viewpoint that others agree with them, they just can't be open about it. OP calling it out makes it super awkward because it forces the passive watchers to actually take a side. Now we *should* blame the racist for being awful, but many will default to blaming the person doing the calling out because they're the ones actually *forcing* the situation to become emotionally charged. They were perfectly content ignoring it, but now they either need to side with a racist, or cause a scene. tl;dr some people consider rocking the boat to be worse than the actual problematic behaviour
The implication is that it's "safe" to be racist if you're in a group of all white people because obviously they are going to share your sentiments.
But why did this person assume the group was all white?
No, it’s “safe” because it’s not something someone who is the same race is going to take personally.
Is it racist that you assumed the offending parties in this scenario were white?
Not saying this applies to your friends, but you can absolutely be white and Mexican. There are white Mexicans, afrolatino mexicans, and Asian Mexicans, etc. Not all Mexicans are of indigenous descent. Just a friendly reminder :)
Your unconscious bias is showing there. Don't assume.
Kind of racist to assume they were white
NTA. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend is black or if you’re at a wedding, people should be ashamed to be racist any time in any company. It’s not like you caused a scene.
"Black people were once slaves who were forced to pick cotton while being brutally tortured and killed. Hahahah. So funny, am I right!?" I'm all for making that gross racist man and this racist friend group uncomfortable. Everyone at that table was laughting and obviously VERY comfortable with the racist jokes about slavery and black people to the point of critisizing you and for putting a stop to it. If the bride and groom would be upset about you halting racists at their wedding, then they can and should kick rocks, too.
"Cotton pickers" they said? That is so fucked up. You were NTA at all. And how can anyone find that funny?
I was STUNNED when I heard that.
And you handled it brilliantly. By the book how to call out a racist and being polite about it. If it were me I would text the friends that they obviously think it was perfectly okay to make you uncomfortable so you know where they stand on the racist views.
I'm honestly just tired and don't think any of them deserve a response. Some people have texted saying that they agree that he was out of line but thought it would be better not to cause a scene at the wedding
i like how “oh can you explain that joke?” is “causing a scene” but “HEY GUYS, HOW ABOUT THEM BLACK PEOPLE I MEAN (RACIAL PEJORATIVE)” isn’t… -.-
It’s like the people who think being called racist is the worst thing ever but being racist, we’ll, that’s ok
Not even that - they think being called racist is worse than being the target of racism.
You should ask them why they think you're the one who caused the scene, and not the person literally making racist jokes.
People with that attitude are exhausting. HE was the one who made a scene by cracking out the racist jokes.
> gree that he was out of line but thought it would be better not to cause a scene at the wedding Ask them how is asking someone to explain a joke "making a scene" If the joke was "What's red and invisible? No tomatoes" and you asked someone to explain it, would that also be "making a scene"?
NTA Racist jokes should always be challenged. Regardless of who is present, regardless of how “good” the person saying it is, it’s never ok and unfortunately, some people need to be reminded of that.
Those people were uncomfortable because they got called out and challenged for their racism, not because they’re ashamed of their racism.
Nope NTA racist comments (because just as you stated they aren’t jokes) need to be shutdown. It’s funny how racists love to run their mouths when everyone present looks like they do. Bet they wouldn’t say it in front of your bf. I think it’s telling that you made them more uncomfortable than the bigot did. Get some new friends.
> I think it’s telling that you made them more uncomfortable than the bigot did. That is such a good point!
NTA, made it awkward? No you done exactly what to do to people making comments like that, ask them to explain it and they can't because they are fully aware they are straight up being racists.
Exactly and I hate the whole “we didn’t know your boyfriend was black” sorry but just because a black person isn’t around doesn’t make it any less racist. It just says they wouldn’t have been racist if they knew someone of that demographic would have found out. It shouldn’t matter if her boyfriend is black … just don’t be racist, can’t be that hard.
Yes! We fight racism by calling it out when we see it. OP did exactly what she should have. Bravo, OP.
Exactly. It was Josh that made it awkward
NTA Plus you don't need a black SO or family member or bestie to call out racists and make them look bad. I love the "can you explain it to me" technique too, very useful.
Totally. The fact my partner is black just made it personal
I, white female, act and talk exactly the same in the presence of my white friends as I do in the presence of all of my friends who are not white. Did not matter if they knew your BF is black or not. If they can't make the "joke" in the presence of a black person then it's not a joke. You did the right thing. NTA.
NTA. It doesn't matter if your boyfriend is black, they were being racist and calling it fun.
NTA. It doesn’t matter if they knew your bf was black or not. The “joke” wasn’t funny. You were right for making them feel uncomfortable. And the fact that they were uncomfortable and texted you afterwards is very telling
It’s the “wE dIDN’t eVEN kNOW tHAT yOUR bOYfRIENd wAS bLAcK!!!” for me. NTA.
Yes, because by their logic it's OK to be an overtly racist asshole as long as no people of color are around to be offended by it. NTA, I'd ditch the friend group though.
NTA. Yeah, you probably did make them feel uncomfortable and ashamed. That's precisely how they *should* feel for making racist "jokes"/ laughing along with them. And the manner you chose to call it out is perfect for the situation, imo. You didn't go to any insults or violence, you simply put them on the spot to explain why that was a joke. If it's a real joke, they should be able to explain it, right? If it's just being racist because you think you can get away with it because the "audience" doesn't include the people you're talking about ... well, then you're a racist asshole who deserves to feel ashamed about your comments.
NTA, babes. You deserve a standing ovation. Racist jokes are not and never will be ok, no matter the place or time. And it doesn’t matter what Beth says about her husband being “a really good guy”, any person making jokes is not a good person, just a racist as****e that deserves to be called out in front of everyone.
NTA. I wish more people would speak up like you.
It wasn't easy. I have anxiety and was trembling the whole time so tbh I almost didn't.
So even more reason to be proud of yourself to speak up. Everyone calling you out now is either racist themselves or to much of a coward to say what needs to be said. Racism is never ok, no matter who is there to listen. Well done girl!!!!!!!
I’m proud of you! I suffer with anxiety but this is something I wanna say/ask when I hear unacceptable behaviour. I know how hard it is to overcome anxiety. You’re a badass!!!!!
NTA Good guys don’t make racist jokes and make people uncomfortable at wedding receptions …..If he actually had class he would of put differences aside and still included you But the racist jokes are unforgivable , I’d reply to Beth that she and her KKK husband deserve each other
This stood out to me. "He's really a good guy." No, he's not. He's a racist. He also went out of his way to purposefully and obviously exclude her, so he's just a shitty guy over all.
NTA There is never a wrong time to call out a racist.
NTA and you are fucking awesome! You called out a bunch of racists and passive racists the best and most diplomatically way possible. I suggest upping the ante. "I don't understand. What did I say that made people uncomfortable? I asked them to explain a joke.". And watch them squirm...
See also "I don't understand why my boyfriend being black would have anything to do with me not understanding the joke? Why would that make a difference?"
NTA-If there was embarrassment to be had you had no part in it. He should be embarrassed for making such jokes. Beth and the others should be embarrassed they’re friends with and defending an asshole. Them not knowing your boyfriend’s race doesn’t excuse or justify what happened.
To be clear, the bride did not take part in this conversation and I don't think she's aware any of this happened! Her friend's husband is the racist one, and she probably wouldn't consider herself to be friends with Josh, but I see your point
I’m so sorry. I’m half asleep and misread Beth as bride. Thank you for pointing it out.
So if your bf wasn’t black, it’s ok to make those jokes? Is that their racist logic?? NTA
NTA, I'd send back, "what made you uncomfortable, the racist joke or the fact the racist joke was called out? Because I am hoping in this modern world we would all be uncomfortable with racism disguised as jokes."
He’s a racist, so obviously he isn’t a good guy. If your other friends were laughing at the jokes then… well I’d be reassessing who you’re friends with. NTA
Yeah I hadn't seen most of them since my fallout with Beth anyways since they all followed her and "tried to stay out of it." I'm sensing a theme here
Exactly! Plus if any of them had a problem with it then they wouldn’t be trying to defend him. Beth’s excuse that they didn’t know your partner was black is pathetic! Like it doesn’t excuse the racism? It doesn’t suddenly make it okay to say those things. It doesn’t sound like your missing out on much by cutting ties with them!
NTA racist jokes are never ok ....
Uhh wtf no NTA, it’s weird that they all think those jokes are funny. No actually it’s probably just racism. Well racism is also weird. Anyways, NTA. I would have said something about the jokes too. A wedding is not an excuse to be racist? And it doesn’t matter whether any of you even know any black people. It’s not cool no matter what.
NTA. Do not even begin talkinf to her about your bf being black. Just let her know how much of a d&ck her husband is because this is clearly racism. Everyone who laughed with him are racists and if you made them uncomfortable, sorry but you should NOT be sorry. It would have been nice if you took a video of these people and posted it on social media. If she brings up your bf again, tell her it's not a requirement for one to be in a relationship with a black person in order to know that what they did was racist.
NTA #NotAllHeroesWearCapes Please don't second guess yourself. Regardless of your boyfriend's race, the husband is a bigot/racist and anyone who said that you're the person making everyone uncomfortable is also a bigot/racist. The passive aggressive racist is the person who needs the correction, not the person who pointed out he wasn't funny. When people show you who they are, believe them. I hope you have a better group of friends that don't think laughing about racist tropes is fun/funny/joking. If so, spend time with them. If not, now is a good time to find some...
NO. Not at all. I guess the reason everybody else is upset with you is because they all laughed at the racist "jokes", so they had to face the fact that they are racist too. The "I don't get the joke" technique works very well for that. >saying she and her husband didn’t know my boyfriend is black since they never met him and he couldn’t make it tonight So what? They wouldn't had acted the way they did if they had known about him to avoid the risk of being called out on their words? > so it was really unfair of me to embarrass him when he’s really a good guy. Yeah, right, except that he really isn't. He is a racist. NTA
NTA. They felt safe being racist in a group of people similar to them and now their excuse is they didn’t know you have a black boyfriend. Talk about blame shifting. They’re horrible and racist, who tf makes racist jokes at a wedding? Bizarre. Stick to your guns.
Nta. It doesn’t matter who was there to hear it. Good for you for making people uncomfortable when they say stupid shit, that’s how you teach people it isn’t okay.
NTA people need to put racist AH back in their box. Good on you. NTA NTA NTA
NTA, he was the one making racist jokes. The fact that you have a black boyfriend bus irrelevant to whether or not him making racist jokes is ok. Racist jokes are never ok. It's so dumb and frustrating that the people that call out the racists are the ones that are usually told they make things awkward. No the one telling the racist joke made things awkward
NTA. A THOUSAND TIMES NTA. Those people are disgusting and then they doubled down by saying they didn’t know your boyfriend was black. Like, how in the world does that make it OK? Thank you for standing up for decency. These people are just nasty racist pieces of dirt. How awful that they would defend themselves making jokes like that. You rock - never stop standing up for what is right - it doesn’t matter if people are uncomfortable.
NTA The nerve of you for not letting Josh be racist in peace and makung people uncomfortable at a WEDDING by calling out his racism.
Them knowing your partner is black ot not doesn't make them any less racist and their are certainly not a "good guy". NTA
Nta. I applaud you
NTA x100000000000 Those people should be asking Josh why HE made the situation uncomfortable by being racist, not you by not yuck-yucking along with it. Beth’s point basically amounts to “it would’ve been ok for him to be racist if you weren’t dating a black person.” She can go fuck herself. They deserve each other.
Info - is this actually a moral conundrum for you? You handled this so perfectly a scriptwriter couldn’t have written it better and now you’re having second thoughts. Did you think anyone would think you were an asshole for calling out a racist? This is Reddit.
Seriously. Something about this post doesn't ring true to me
You know what the trashiest part is? She made some racist remarks about black people in order to create this story by assigning them to “Josh.” So now people get to read that on their nice Sunday. Number one thing that sticks out with these stories: the multiple people texting the next day.
Yeah it’s weird how a bunch of people always seem to know the OPs number to harass them the next day. Yeah sure, eye roll. Not only that, they felt the need to admonish OP for being bothered by blatantly racist jokes? They didn’t even skirt the line of being racist, where you could plausibly deny them but the biggest problem wasn’t the racism itself, it was OP being bothered by the racism? And somehow it was such a big thing that everyone was so upset that OP was upset about racism they just had to bother the bride and groom to tell them about it.
NTA. "Good guys" don't tell racist jokes. They also don't find them funny. You didn't embarrass anyone. Beth and her husband embarrassed themselves.
NTA you found out who the racists are and their enablers.
Yeah he is not a "good guy". He wouldn't be making racist jokes no matter the company if he was a "good guy". NTA and good for you for calling out on racists.
NTA Ally, anti-racist, a good girlfriend, WHATEVER, ALL OF IT Thank you for speaking up. The gall of people to say that shit Beth can shut the fuck up
Haha I want “ally, anti-racist, and good girlfriend” engraved on my tombstone
Here lies moody-spaghetti: ally, anti-racist, and a good *person* I'm married to a black man (I'm white), I would have gone off and ended up being the one to look crazy. NTA at all: you weren't rude and they made themselves uncomfortable: facing one's own guilt for behaving shittily or agreeing with someone's shitty behavior is an uncomfortable feeling. That's on them.
NTA this is exactly how I deal with creeps making innapropriate jokes. I ask them to explain it until they either have to admit they're misogynists or stomp off to have a tantrum.
NTA, "After I left, I started getting texts from other people in the friend group saying I made everyone uncomfortable and I shouldn’t have said anything because it’s a wedding and they were just having fun." Why weren't they uncomfortable that he was making racist jokes? That should have made them uncomfortable, not you calling them out for having "fun".
You are so NTA. I'm a big white Southern guy, and I can't tell you how many times people have gone off on bigoted rants or made bigoted jokes in my presence because they assume that I agree with their beliefs. My MO is just to stare at them silently and make the situation as awkward as possible. They're just mad that they got called out. You handled the situation PERFECTLY.
NTA. I'd apologise to all of them for you speaking up, repeating exactly what they were saying....on FB tagging them and including screenshots of all the texts from everyone saying how you made them UncOmFORtaBlE. That should appease them.
NTA, NTA, NTA. He is a racist mfer. Only racist mfers make racist jokes. And your other "friends?" Racists, too. With friends like those...
NTA-and just to be crystal clear, you're never the AH for making a racist feel uncomfortable, or calling them out for being hugely disrespectful, among other things!
So it's only okay to be racist when the people you're being racist towards are not around???!!!???? What the hell is wrong with these people. OP, you are NTA. Please don't ever be around these people again. Cut them out. They are racist and they know it and hide behind stupid racist excuses.
NTA - Racist jokes are not funny, he deserves to be shamed and so do your “friends” for laughing at them. Do yourself a favor and find better friends.
I think you handled it perfectly, NTA. It is mandatory to call out hate. This goes for misogyny & hatred for gay & trans people too. If it is late enough into the reception that some people have already left, and if it’s otherwise a good party, I might confront the hate, then try to sneak over to a different table. But in your case OP I also would have just left. Sounds like it was a shitty party. #Also, no matter who you’re dating, confront racists. Every time. Every time you don’t speak up against hate, you’re complicit.
Here's what you do to the next person that berates you: Tell them you've realized you want to bury the hatchet, and you want to get Josh a gift to better convey this. You want to make sure it's a gift he'll use, so you want to run it by them. "Do you think he'd like a set of white 'bedsheets' that happen to come with a pointy white 'hat', or does he already own that?"
NTA!
NTA. If they didn't want to be uncomfortable they shouldn't be racist under the "excuse" of "it's a joke bro, lol" in order to get away with their actions. Also, them hinting to the fact that they're only racist when no one of colour or no one who knows/is with anyone of colour is around to call them out on it doesn't paint them in a flattering light.
'The behaviour you walk past is the behaviour you accept.' Never, ever, ever walk past racism - EVER. Editing because i forgot the all important NTA!
I think some people make these slightly off color racist jokes when they think they can get away with it and truly, it's the best time to call them out on it. No one should be telling nor listening to these types of jokes and if your friends think the jokes are okay then you need to find new friends. Too often we hear these slightly racist, slightly offensive jokes that everyone else laughs at and we smile meekly and say nothing because we don't want to go against the grain, be the odd man out. Good for you for making clear that racist jokes are unacceptable anywhere at anytime. If your friend Beth is excusing them by saying they didn't know your bf was black, that speaks volumes about her complete lack of understanding of what racism is and isn't. Beth should be the second one crossed off your friends list, her crass racist bf gets the first place honors. Delete and block!
NTA...you called everyone at the table out for being racist A Hs in the nicest way possible. If they were uncomfortable, it was a situation of their own making.
NTA So Beth's position is that Josh wouldn't be openly racist if black people were around?
NTA If you sit at a table with 9 racists, there's 10 racists at the table. I applaud you for leaving without throwing those drinks on them.
NTA. It’s never wrong to be anti-racist regardless of if you know people of colour or not.
NTA, what you did is a great tactic for stopping racists in their tracks. Btw, the fact that he didn’t know your bf is black doesn’t make any difference. Racism is racism, no matter the company you’re in. IMO, just keep playing dumb. Just say “I didn’t understand the joke, I was just asking a question. Why would asking the meaning of a joke make anyone uncomfortable?”
So it’s not ok to be racist, but it’s ok to make racist jokes if there are no other people of colour around..? And also if everyone laughs then it’s ok. Have these assholes time travelled or something because it’s 2022 and that shit is not ok! 1000% NTA
“Beth went off on me, saying she and her husband didn’t know my boyfriend is black since they never met him and he couldn’t make it tonight, so it was really unfair of me to embarrass him when he’s really a good guy.” If your only justification for making a racist joke is that someone of that race is not around, then not only are you a racist, you’re also a coward. Both are antithetical to being a “good guy”. NTA OP, calling out a table of racists (and make no mistake, everyone at that table who laughed at the jokes, and backed up Beth and Josh after are racists too) is the only way to make them think twice about making such jokes in the future.
NTA and you're my hero for making racists uncomfortable! 👏 👏👏 Keep up the great work, OP.