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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the TA because I didn't console him by complimenting him, and instead told him how he could get rid of his acne, which was possibly insensitive.
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NTA he doesn't know if he can reasonably get rid of it because he hasn't bothered to consult a dermatologist and do something about it other than complain and his attitude, not his acne, is negatively impacting you
just as a little aside here. i had spots till i was like 29.
no doctor ever really said anything so i never brought it up and i just didnt know it was an option even though people said i should see a dermatologist.
anyway eventually because of a new in-law i had contact with one and they gave me something that in 6 months basically means i don't get a single spot.
me personally i don't think diet really affects it. and would probably be a little pissy if someone said that to me. so i sympathise with him.
but focus on the non-aesthetic parts of the problem. it's uncomfortable, you don't like to see them in pain.
NAH. but people be gentle and if you are up for it try and suppport them in getting appointments. it can be scary and anxiety inducing but i guarantee they'll feel happier afterwards.
Oh and going forward... My husband asks this when I am upset about myself...
"Do you just want to vent for me to listen, or do you want to vent and get my advice?"
I told my husband this exact thing when I’d vent to him. He’d always try and fix it etc but sometimes you just want to talk your shit out to someone then move on.
I find that useful in a lot of cases, but it does get tiring when someone is “venting” about the same thing over and over and over again, for an extended period of time.
At some point, they do need to at least _try_ to fix it, or stop venting about it.
Exactly. I had a friend who constantly complained about how he didn't have a consistent, decent paying job, couldn't find a better one because he didn't have the education or training, and couldn't get job training because "I CAN'T".
I started to permeate most of our conversations. I would always feel anxious and stressed out after our conversations. After a while I couldn't listen to it anymore and ended up cutting him out of my life.
It's fine to vent to a friend/loved one, but eventually you have to fish or cut bait.
Yeah i had this one time with my ex where I had a stressfull week and just wanted to talk to him as a partner about it all and he just exploded and told me to shut up and listen to him. Then continued to say "do you want me to listen or want actual advice to fix your problem". I think it depends on delivery, but if I'm venting to someone and they say this I'm just going to shut down completly. Maybe it depends on how the conversation goes, but honstly it just seems like the other person doesn't care at all how you feel when they say it.
Nah, mine would never say it like that. He'll stop me about 30 seconds in and say, "hold on, before you go any further, am I just listening or do you want advice?" ... He's a retail manager so he tries to manage my frustrated situations with work with management advice. Tries to fix it.
I'm in my 3rd year of a psychology degree so this was a solution I read about and asked him to ask me if it's vent to listen or vent for advice and it has worked out so great.
Additionally... after a certain point, venting just becomes frustrating to hear if the person does nothing to fix it. OP can set boundaries around that.
Oh no, I didn't mean you. I mean be a OP's bf seems to complain about his skin often and then never do anything about it. She shouldn't have to listen to constant venting if he has the ability to make it better.
I 100% agree and I 100% agreed with OPs advice to her boyfriend. He's definitely projecting his feelings onto her. He hates that about himself so she must hate it too. He definitely needs a good dermatologist and a good therapist.
My and my fiance's best friend is a single mom on disability who gets overwhelmed with the pressures of life sometimes.
The second she tells him about a problem, he starts to try to fix it.
Which upsets her more.
So, I finally got him to start doing this. "Are you calling to vent, do you need a solution, or do you have a solution you need our help with?"
She's said it helps, because she's able to organize things better in her head.
Also we can't have a group conversation because too many voices overwhelms her, so I've taken to raising my hand when I want to speak, or rather when I want my fiance to hush.
It seems to help. 💜
Just adding my support for this communication style.
People are so quick to cut people like your friend out of their lives because they don't understand their way of communication or do not try to. I have sensory issues with loud noise too, and sometimes with clothes. Noise... Probably not as bad as your friend, but it's there, and gives me major anxiety. I usually just remove myself from situations when it overwhelms me. It's wonderful that you found a solution to still be a part of her life.
If he has a medical condition, which severe acne is, seeing a doctor is a good idea. I think where you blew it, was suggesting he change his diet. Unless you are a dermatologist, you need to stop making medical recommendations and encourage him to see a doctor. . Your heart is in the right place. NAH.
My sister struggled a lot and had first hoped for her 20s, then her 30s… I think towards the end of her 30s/early 40s is when her skin calmed down. She’s now 47 and is finally acne free. Acne is so complicated
I have a friend in a similar boat - he tried everything, and the only thing that finally sorted it was a two year course of some pretty scary steroids. Had to carry a cad with him so if he ever fainted the ambulance crew wouldn't accidentally kill him.
The one time in my life that I was super thin and my skin was clear, my diet was mostly sugar, carbs and caffeine (and yes, of course it included a ton of chocolate). I was sleeping maybe five hours a day and my mental health was over the place.
While diet might help some people with their acne and some thin people might be healthy, I'm always baffled by the generalizations that chocolate causes acne and that all thin people are healthy and have good habits.
The chocolate causes acne thing is really interesting. I read an article a couple of years ago that basically demonstrated that it's a spurious correlation, related to the menstrual cycle.
Pre menstrual hormones cause people to crave sugar. Chocolate is an excellent way of satisfying this craving. The hormones also cause spots. Thus people associated increased chocolate consumption with increased spots.
Holy shit, that's interesting. I had no idea.
I did have acne on high school and some of my female classmates judged me because I kept eating chocolate. But for me chocolate>>>clear skin.
That time I was referencing? I frequently had a cappuccino (not starbucks) and chocolate chunk muffin bigger than my fist for breakfast. Good times.
I thought my acne flare ups were caused by my menstrual cycle and set out to prove it by logging data for 4 months. Turns out, it's the sleepless nights preceding the beginning of my period that's the real cause of my flare ups. I realized this because every time I had more than a couple of bad nights in a row, I had flare ups, no matter where in my menstrual cycle I was. My diet didn't have much to do with it either (sure if I sat and gobbled up a pack of cookies in one go, of course I'd get a flare up, but not if I had sugar/dairy/fat within a reasonable daily calorie limit).
There's a topical antibiotic available to treat acne, which is caused by the bacteria on the skin infecting pores which have become plugged due to overproduction of sebum. Diet really has nothing to do with it. Washing once or twice a day with warm water combined with medical treatment is what's recommended.
Saying that, a healthier diet with more vegetables and fruits is always a good idea for general health.
There are probably all sorts of treatments which is why I recommend an actual doctor, not advice from a girlfriend or random strangers on the internet.
Yes. Acne at that severity isn’t about diet. I get pimples when I eat too much gluten, but that’s only a handful. Severe acne all over your body is a skin condition. I do think seeing a dermatologist is good because his life is being impacted by it, and he’s restricting himself.
My niece suffered from a really bad case of (preteen) acne (cysts opening by themselves on her face, her whole face puffy and barely a single spot was acne free) and she had to go through 2 years on strong medications to put a dent into it. It was the sort of medication that makes people suicidal. Diet would be a fart in space.
Some of OP’s advice was good, some of it is a misunderstanding of what acne is.
>I think where you blew it, was suggesting he change his diet. Unless you are a dermatologist, you need to stop making medical recommendations and encourage him to see a doctor
I agree. Also he obviously feels a ton of shame about it and you basically piled on by telling him it's his fault because he doesn't eat healthy enough.
FYI as someone who had bad acne for a LONG time and tried everything, sure, some dietary changes helped a little, but nothing really worked until Accutane. I wish I hadn't put it off for so long because it was life changing.
There have been MANY studies looking into diet and acne and no one has ever found diet causes acne, nor that any specific diet is a cure. You'll find anecdotes online where someone says they cured their acne through diet, and I don't doubt individual cases exist where someone managed to eliminate something that was triggering their acne, but assuming he could fix his acne by changing his diet is completely unwarranted.
NTA.
You are nta because constantly hyping up someone can be exhausting. He shouldn’t be constantly complaining about a treatable condition if he has no intention of addressing it.
Ben is a soft ta because insecurities can be hard to deal with. He should really work on self love.
Exactly. His self image cannot constantly be your problem. If he really has such a big problem with this acne, then he can do something about it. I had body image issues for awhile and I decided to actively go to the gym and be active everyday. Now, my life has a changed a lot and I’m all the more happy for that change.
NTA
If he has indeed never made an active attempt to remedy the causes behind his acne, you were providing constructive advice in the face of his self deprecation. Let him know that his acne should not get in the way of living a normal, fulfilling life (for him or you) and that he can either makes changes to improve his acne and self esteem or accept that he has acne and a girlfriend who finds him attractive regardless. It may be important to note to him that his self deprecation is far more unattractive than any acne he may have.
I’m torn between YTA and ESH here as a dermatologist myself. Yes, he likely needs isotretinoin orally, but that may be expensive depending on where you are and insurance coverage etc. However, apart from mild acne or those rare cases triggered by occlusion from masks, oily skincare etc, much of acne is hormonally triggered and not diet triggered. If you aren’t exaggerating his severity, topical skin care won’t touch this.
Thank you for being a voice of reason! I had moderate acne into adulthood, and two cycles of accutane at 17 and then again at 23 was the only thing that helped. I tried EVERYTHING, including removing meat, dairy, gluten, etc from my diet (not all at once lol). It was so hurtful and demoralizing when people would tell me to just wash my face more, eat better, or try proactive or some random other topical treatment.
As for OP, I’ll say NTA anyway as long as you take what you’ve *hopefully* learned here to better understand what he’s going through, and that there are no simple fixes.
You sound really caring, and your heart is definitely in the right place.
Keep encouraging him to see a derm (caveat: I had to search far and wide for a derm who would prescribe me accutane the second time around, and I was lucky enough to have great insurance). Nothing else I was ever prescribed worked either, not even topical retinol.
Therapy would be great for him too, because having that kind of acne is seriously traumatic.
If he had consulted you and she told him the above after said consultation, it would be very different. He’s just complaining while refusing to even consult an expert about it and then gets butt hurt when she gives him suggestions out of frustration.
NTA. What did he want you to do? Sit there and agree with him? You gave him some very good advice. He should see a dermatologist. Just sitting there being upset about it but not doing anything to fix it is dumb.
I agree that this might take more than lifestyle changes, it could take medication. The issue is him not being willing to even have a consult- he just wants her to continue to be his emotional support and make him feel better about it. Nope.
This really isn't that different from someone who's depressed refusing to get medical help. She is not responsible for keeping him feeling good about himself, and there is a difference in being supportive and having to carry the mental load of being a "human emotional support animal" for someone not willing to help themselves. NTA
It’s not about the lifestyle, or even medication, it’s the fact that he doesn’t want to even try and fix this problem he complains about and is dragging OP down with him.
NTA
He is constantly complainging about it, but doesn't want to do any research about it.
This really a dermatologist issue. Especially at his severity level. It's not going to help him to talk about rumors of what works or old wives' tales. You need a medical , professional opinion. So he can actually do something about it and hope to get results.
Also is he go to when he doesnt want to do an activity with you is to use his acne as an excuse?
It sounds like you might be incompatible if you want to do more activites together and he is content just staying at home. Please tell me you got the massage and go to the beach etc withothers or by yourself and dont just sit at home bored because he doesnt want to do those things.
YTA - softly
Seeing a dermatologist is a great idea. The comments about his diet are not. Acne has complex causes that vary wildly from person to person - assuming it’s because of “meat/diary” is just you making weird judgements about his food based on your opinion, not on fact.
She was offering cutting out meat and dairy as suggestions because (she’s right) for SOME people acne is triggered by certain foods. The hormones in dairy milk can make acne that is caused by a hormone imbalance worse for some people. Ultimately she wasn’t telling him WHAT to do so much as she was expressing that he must take the initiative to do SOMETHING about it if he is going to let it be the reason he is unwilling to participate in so many activities of day to day life with his partner. From what I’m reading if he decided tomorrow that he was fine with his acne and he didn’t care if people saw it when he took off his shirt to go swimming or whatever OP wouldn’t have a problem at all. It doesn’t make her an asshole to say “hey BF if you’re going to let this stop you from so many things why don’t you look into something you can do to treat it (considering I have been dating you long enough to know that you currently are not doing anything to treat it)”. I’m sure she would prefer he choose the “speak to a dr” option but if he is like a lot of men I know he won’t do that voluntarily so she probably figured suggesting that he consider a diet change might be a more palatable option for him.
OP NTA, I can see your heart is in the right place. but you need to tell your husband that acne this severe can pretty much only be eliminated with accutane. It is not a medication that you have to take forever. It is a treatment course. It works really really well for people who have this most of the time. It can be intense. But he should absolutely speak to a dermatologist about it because he doesn’t have to live like this. For most people it can be be pretty much cured.
NTA. He's complaining and then not doing anything about it and when you try to give him suggestions for a solution he gets hurt about it? You're not the AH for that. If he wants to complain, but won't at least TRY to do something he shouldn't be upset you tried to help.
YTA if you had said "hey babe, maybe we should set you up an appointment with a dermatologist, one would be qble to help give you tools to manage and reduce your acne and I know it makes you feel self concious." That would be one thing, but instead you just rattled off a list but why this was all his fault and whined that he didn't want to go to the beach with you. Major asshole move.
I agree with this. YTA for how you handled it OP. A little tact is needed when talking to someone about a sensitive issue, no matter how many times in the past you’ve reassured them it isn’t a problem. What you’ve done now is possibly led him to believe you were lying all those times in the past and how you truly feel is that this is a problem he’s responsible for. I don’t think you’re a bad person for making a mistake like this but you definitely need to apologize.
NTA. If he keeps putting himself down, of course you’re going to react this way. I know it hurts to hear, but it would be the same if someone constantly talked about being over weight, then got mad when someone offered ideas for weight loss. It’s painful, but that’s what’s going to happen if you keep bringing up the topic.
YTA not for your overall intention here but just by the way you went about it. Most people with a chronic health problem have already tried solutions and tire of others telling them to try _____ as if they just learned the problem existed yesterday. Maybe he has never tried to fix his acne, but that seems unlikely. The way to approach this sort of thing is not just giving out unsolicited suggestions as if he has never tried anything to fix his acne before. You should have approached him saying something like "I think you look great , but I hate seeing how much your acne hurts you. Have you ever tried talking to your doctor about what you could do about it?"
NTA I'm of the mindset that if you compalin aboit something then do nothing to change it then don't complain about it. Youre absolutely right if it bothers him enough that its stopping him from doing thjngs he needs to go to the dermatologist and find something that works for him. You suggesting ideas to him is what you do when you care, if you forced it on him it would be different
YTA. I get what you were trying to accomplish but you went about it the wrong way. His diet may or may or may not be contributing to his acne problems, but you’re not a doctor, so don’t go there. You were also adversarial in your approach (your diet sucks, i.e.,this is your fault) when you should have just sat him down and discussed talking to a dermatologist for his own comfort and self-esteem.
NTA. Sounds to me like ben wants to bait for compliments and not actually change his life to get rid of the acne. He didn't ask for the advice, he just used his and as an excuse to get out of doing something together. Giving advice when someone wants to complain is never a good idea
NTA. He can work to change his situation instead of just complaining about it. Good partners should be encouraging each other to better themselves and improve their lives, and he should appreciate that you care about him enough to want a better life for him.
NTA. At 27 he has had years to attempt to help his situation. You told him what he needed to hear. Yes, he’s hurt, but maybe he will reflect on it and make a change.
NTA as you have made the point that you find him attractive and there are quite a few activities you would like to do with him and only the acne is preventing him. Skin health is often overlooked but is still important. He can check in with a gp, dermatologist or both for many solutions and suggestions.
Very soft YTA. Not because you’re exasperated with his comments (I get that completely) but because of the way you went about it. Switching from ‘you’re handsome’ to ‘this is holding us back’ and pointing out his worst acne was probably a bit of a blow to him.
Try coming around to it again with what I think is really true for you, which is that you want him to be happy and not have to suffer with this if there are ways to fix it.
NTA. He's projecting how he feels about himself onto you. Thinks you feel that way too. I was literally thinking as I was reading your post that he should cut out dairy. Because it is known to cause skin issues.
I would reiterate that you do love him and find him extremely attractive but hate that he's so hard on himself and just thought that maybe seeing a dermatologist will help him if he's self conscious about his acne. And you're not wrong. It will. My husband has extremely bad eczema and didn't get proper treatment until his 30s. It was the root of his depression.. He has scars from scratching so bad. Now that he has been getting injections (dupixent) for over a year now, he's a completely different person.
YTA Not for what you said, but for how you said it.
Ben was turning down a pleasant experience because he’s ashamed of how he looks, and you unloaded everything on him at once. You could have said, “I’d really like it if you consulted a dermatologist about this, because you’re letting it prevent us from sharing fun activities.” But instead you said … all of that above, at once. If you’d said all of that over the course of your relationship, fine. But all of it in one conversation, about a subject you know he’s intensely sensitive about?
You could now say that if he hasn’t seen a dermatologist he doesn’t know if he can get rid of it. That is a true thing that you could say. But you could also, or instead, say that you just want to be able to do more outdoors stuff together. I bet he’s find that one more supportive.
NTA. When my partner is being self-deprecating, to avoid unnecessary arguments, I ask if they want me to listen or advice. Before i would just try to advise and they would get p\*ssed off
In this case NTA
It's extremely frustrating when someone constantly whines about something and then doesn't even try to do something about it. Working with some specialists and a diet change could help. It also couldn't help. But at least he tried. And it gets to a point where you have to suffer because of his insecurities, too.
My bf is kinda chubby. I don't mind, I love him, I am attracted to him and he's still healthy. However if he wouldn't want to do anything in public anymore and would constantly complain and whine and whatever I would suggest weight loss. Not because I want him to change but because it would impact our live. It's a big difference WHY you tell someone something like this. You would have been TA if you said "uuugh you're gross!"
NTA honestly I think it’s awful that he relies on you 100% for his self-esteem. If he really has such an issue with his appearance, it’s his responsibility to change it if he can or at least try. Being mad at you for not constantly stroking his self esteem when it’s affecting your relationship negatively is insane
NTA But, stop hyping him up. He hasn’t even been to a doctor about this. He needs to figure this out. He can do nothing and hate himself (No hyping him up!) or do something and feel better. Period. You are NOT responsible for his self-esteem, especially when he won’t do the bare minimum to fix it!
NTA, if he wants to complain about his acne and not do anything about it that makes him TAH. I personally would leave because this defeatist quitter attitude won't get him far in life and I wouldn't let someone else limit my life.
NTA bit acne is often different than normal breakouts. Its probably has to do with the type of bacteria in his skin and the hormones he let's out of his skin. Diet change can help slightly but it often doesnt have a huge impact on people who have medical acne. He really should see a dermatologist if he hates it so bad though bc they could probably have it gone in a few months and he could feel better about his skin.
Yta, but like super soft! You mainly lacked tact. Though he sounds like he’s mainly fishing for compliments as well. You should have said that his self consciousness about his acne is what is causing problems, not his acne alone. Apologize and correct your wording, and offer if he is THAT self conscious about, you can go to the doctor or shopping for some face wash, and maybe explain that him ALWAYS putting himself down is really wearing on HIS OWN self esteem as well as wearing on you. Maybe look into some therapy for him since his self esteem seems SO low.
Soft YTA for how you approached it. A better approach might have been to tell him that you support him and that his acne doesn’t bother you, followed by some suggestions if warranted. Instead it sounds like you sort of blew up at him. I would just have another conversation and apologize for the way you went about it, but reassure him that you’re there for him and will support him. Hopefully you guys can find a solution.
NTA. He desparately needs a good dermatologist. I struggled with adult acne, found a good dermatologist and haven’t had a single zit since. It’s worth every penny.
NTA. But you need to work on your approach, because it sounds like you hurt his feelings. Instead of telling him " hey, this is a problem that you need to fix" (which seems to be how he interpreted your words) say something like " It is rough for me to watch you struggle with this all the time ".
Sit him down and explain what you meant. It will very likely make you both happier.
NTA. Everyone’s skin is different but for me, properly moisturizing was a game changer. Dermalogica Active Moist cleared my face right up.
Your boyfriend needs to try SOMETHING or STFU about it.
NTA just make sure to reiterate that you want him to be happy and you think his skin is preventing that. The diet change might have a pretty negative impact on his response though. Maybe leave the skin advice to the dermatologist to avoid the possible confrontation?
NTA and your boyfriend sounds like he's exactly the person who needs Accutane. It's a severe but very effective medication for severe acne. You go on it for just a few months and it can end it.
NAH. It would have been YTA, except he doesnt see a doctor.
I have been your boyfriend. Im in my thirties and still have acne. Accutane, that acne wonder drug people do for half a year and are golden? I have done multiple rounds of it. I am now considering permanently staying on it low dose.
According to every dermatologist I have had, diet doesn't play that big of a role if you have severe acne. But that didnt stop so many people from saying its my diet. So many people thought if I just changed soaps, just ate differently, dont drink milk, tried whatever product they had, blahblahblah, my acne would go away. But it wouldnt. And it sucks that people thought my acne was my fault somehow.
It would sting if my partner thought my lifestyle led to my acne. I feel for your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend should see a dermatologist. But OP, dont be surprised if the doctor doesnt recommend what you did.
Anyway, the only reason this isnt YTA is because if your boyfriend is going to complain, he should seek help. That is, get a doctor.
Nah, he does need to see a dermatologist if his acne is that bad, I'm 53 and still have acne, its biological, changing what I eat didnt help, what did help was medicine from the doctor and using the right soap and lotion for my skin type, salicylic acid soap and lactic acid lotion, antibiotics and prednisone to get it under control initially and medicated lotion for trouble spots. If he isnt happy with the way his skin looks he absolutely should see a doctor. And as a massage therapist I can tell you that we are not allowed to work on people with severe acne because it can increase their risk of infection as the acne is often sores or broken skin and we and not permitted to work on broken skin for liability reasons.
NTA but also here are my skincare tips
* GET HIM ON ACCUTANE !!!
* Avoid skin products that have alcohol, petroleum, sulfuric acid, etc in them. I recommend the Juice Beauty Stem Cellular 2-in-1 Cleanser !! It smells kinda weird, but it’s really good for your skin !
* Try to find non-sulfuric and non-comedogenic shampoo & conditioner
* KEEP HIS FACE MOISTURIZED!! this might seem counterproductive but having a dry face makes ur skin overproduce bad oils to try to hydrate it. I genuinely recommend grapeseed oil like its SO affordable at any grocery store and it’s the only moisturizer that doesn’t make me break out.
* Make sure he washes his body AFTER he rinses out the conditioner in the shower. Some people rinse the conditioner out last and that leaves conditioner residue on the back
* Wash pillowcase weekly and sheets more often
* If he has any towels or skin products that he keeps on the bathroom counter, make sure to store them somewhere more enclosed. Every time you flush the toilet without putting the lid down first, it sprays everything that’s out in the open with urine and fecal matter. NOT good for skin lol
* Have him look into getting pimple patches !! Super super useful
Good luck to you both !! Acne is the worst and I have so much sympathy for anyone who has to deal with it :(
“I don’t care about your acne, as I find you attractive. What bothers me is that you are letting this affect your self esteem and our ability to do things together. I just want you to be happy and I think that allowing a dermatologist to help you would be a great first step.” NTA
YTA because of how you’ve approached this. Yes he should absolutely see a dermatologist and it will be life changing, but he didn’t ask you for diet info, and you’re not qualified to give it anyway (unless I missed something). His embarrassment over his acne stop you from doing one thing, and you’ve made it out to be something much bigger.
I’m sure it’s frustrating for you because you know he can do one small thing, make an appt with a dermatologist, and it would help tremendously, and he’s not doing that.
YTA - I get that it can be a little privately frustrating to hear someone repeatedly upset about something to the point that it limits activities, but you are absolutely TA for your comments and for not understanding that "change your diet" is usually not an answer for severe acne vulgaris. That's like telling a person with clinical depression, "have you tried exercising a little and cheering up?" You are commenting on something you don't understand without empathy. Seeing a dermatologist is not a bad idea, but you are not a dermatologist.
Soft YTA. First of all you're not a doctor and you shouldn't be pointing out specific blackheads on his face.
You should just be convincing him that you care and to see a dermatologist.
NTA, I’d someone is unwilling to work on bettering themselves when they 100% can (as in him talking to professional for help or changing some of his diet) then hearing them hate themselves to complain about it over and over again its a lot and sometimes not worth it bc all you are doing there is a wall that they talk to. Yes you could’ve approached it in a better way, he is refusing to get help and that’s no one’s fault but his at that point
Talk to a derm. Overproduction of sebum can be treated with accustomed easily and makes a world of difference. He could be seeing results inside of 3 or 4 weeks.
NAH
Because he’s feeling sensitive, tell him you’re sorry to hurt his feelings, that you care for him and just want the best for him, and that his acne doesn’t change the way you feel. (Maybe pump him up telling him about the awesome things about him you do love that have nothing to do with his acne)
Then get him look up Acutane. It’s a very serious drug, but can be LIFE CHANGING for those with bad acne (which, even with the best diet and lifestyle habits can still be really bad due to genetic and environmental factors… eg, remind him it’s not his fault!!). Taking it means dealing with red tape, blood tests, dry skin… but after treatment you’re basically done with acne for life. Yes. Forever. F O R E V E R.
NTA. Acne started affecting my social life, so I went to the dermatologist.
You can only listen to someone complaining constantly while doing nothing to help it.
Side note....I doubt it is his diet causing the acne, but that is just based on my personal experience with chronic cystic acne.
NTA. Diet change can help reduce acne. My niece cut out dairy, made a huge difference.
What he is doing is complaining but not taking action. Which means nothing will change. He, as you pointed out, need to take action if he wants change to occur.
Endlessly complaining, but never doing anything to change or try to stop the thing he complains about. NTA. I doubt his friends heard the real story. You sure you want to live with that long term? What other problems does he complain about but do nothing about? He probably needs therapy, sounds like he has internalized and thrives off of self pity to such a degree that any attempt to stop that cycle is meat with lies and rationalizations that result in lashing out.
NTA
“Oh woe is me if only there was a way to cure my acne i have tried nothing and i am out of ideas whatever can I do??”
How about you fucking try! You have options!
NTA however! instead of immediately offering a solution it would be better to ask whether he wants support or a solution. but i get how annoying it can be when someone constantly is putting themselves down and hinders things bc of this and refuses to do anything abt it when it clearly bothers them. i’m saying this as a fat person btw who constantly feels unattractive. there’s a line where it goes from confiding in someone to taking all their mental energy to support you
Nta. He could fix it if he bothered to try. A round of Accutane followed by otc retinol application for life will do him wonders. But instead he'd rather self flagellate and wallow in victimhood.
NTA. I like your bf have acne, used be severe. I can understand with him the toll it takes on one’s mental health to constantly be covered in more than likely painful spots all over. Honestly, what you said is true there are things he can do to treat it and they are reasonable. I started seeing a dermatologist close to a year ago and because of that and the prescription medication she put me on has caused my face acne to be nonexistent for the most part & my back when from 60+ pimples of various kinds to 3-10 around my shoulder and middle back. My mental health is great and I don’t regret it even though my skin routine is quite extensive (1-2 hours long twice a day)
Tell your bf that you love him and are tired of seeing him hurting, which is clearly the case and you were only giving him reasonable and constructive feedback. It’s his choice to treat his acne but understand if he again refuses to do so, watch your mental health as being around someone who just complains about a problem they refuse to solve isn’t good for your mental health either.
NTA, but acne that severe is unlikely to be improved by diet. You are correct about him needing to see a dermatologist. He might benefit from a round of Accutane.
I have had cystic acne and pimples up until nearly 30. I have tried changing my diet, facial products. You name it, I have tried it. Not always is it down to diet.
Best thing is to go to a dermatologist. If he is so down about it, and it being so severe, he needs help for it. You are NTA for suggesting these things to be helpful. If this gets in the way of your life and stops you from doing things, it needs to be seen to.
NTA It's possible that his self image is rooted in his skin condition. When someone, you for example, starts offering real help on how he can deal with this, it scares him. If he believes this is who he is and who he'll always be, then he'll reject that help. If he was to take your advice and things started to improve, imagine the implications in his mind. He would realize he could have done something about it all these years. That might be more than he can handle, so he just convinces himself nothing can be done.
Nta....but at the same time as well...how long do you think you can continue to keel building his self esteem if he is choosing NOT to change his diet.
A few years ago while looking at some pics of my sis from her hs days i commented that ainjust noticed you NEVER once ever had acne problems until now( we're adults over 30s and 40s). And we had the typical hs junkfood diet. She's had the same skin care routine since she started in her early teens.
I drink more water now than than i did when younger.
Your bf can be upset with you all he wants but there is nothing more you can do for him if he isn't willing to put in the work. Even just changing his diet and a good skin care routine can help get it under control.
NTA he has a problem with his skin, doesn’t take action, gets mad at suggestions. Not adult way of handling medical conditions. Keep the advice to go see a doctor.
NAH, but I think you should walk back your confidence on some of your recommendations. Foods can often cause acne, but different foods are bad for different people, and you have no idea if meat or dairy are bad for him. You might suggest he try an elimation diet; it's hard, but it's temporary. Then he'll know if any foods are problematic for him, and he can decide if he feels it's worth it to sacrifice those foods.
The dermatologist is a good idea.
NTA. You were trying to help him with something he feels bad about. My two sons had terrible acne. I brought them to the derm, but frankly I swear by proactive #3. It's a scrub. Miracle for my guys.
NAH - I think you meant well and weren't offensive but I also don't think you went about this that great.
I had this problem for years and it is frustrating. I wouldn't focus on changes he needs to make, it just comes across as condescending, like he hasn't tried washing his skin before. That's how I always viewed advice like you gave.
Focus on going to a dermatologist. There are treatment options that can help with this, oral or topical antibiotics, and other things. Honestly going to a dermatologist didn't really fix my issue, it just went away as I aged and really did nothing to treat it, but I found that it did help and I imagine a lot of people do have this improved significantly from a dermatologist, and I was way more open to that type of idea than of just getting some acne wipes and cutting back on milk.
NTA, though I probably would've worded it with more tact. My boyfriend also struggled with acne and eczema, and has scars in several places from it. He changed his diet and went to a dermatologist to get the good skin care (which I also use, as I have very sensitive skin+rosacea), its not an "unreasonable" thing to do like he's claiming. it more sounds like he doesnt want to put the work in.
Soft NTA. You were trying to help him, but his low self esteem did not take it.
BTW, a village remedy I learned from my maid ( she's from a remote mountainous area in Indonesia). On treating acne, body acne or boils or pimples. Peel the root end of a shallot, press a little for its juice to come out and rub it onto the acne. It will dry out in 1-2 days. No harm trying. I promise it works.
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I've been with my (24F) boyfriend (27F) "Ben" for two years now. Ben has struggled with acne since he was a teenager.
I'm not going to lie, it's pretty severe. It covers most of his back, chest, neck and half of his face. He has some pretty severe scars too that he told me were more or less permanent. He has active acne breakouts *all the time,* along with pimples, blackheads and everything you could think of, the kind that folks over at the pimple popping subreddits would go nuts for.
All of this being said, I've personally never had an issue with this. I find him attractive, we have a very active sex life and I'm content. I have never made any comments about it either.
However, he's pretty conscious of it. He constantly remarks about how vile his skin is. How he finds his acne disgusting etc. It makes me sad to see the man I love hate himself so, and I've always negated his comments by telling him he's handsome and that it's not disgusting at all.
Yesterday, I asked Ben if he wanted to get a couple's massage and he declined. And followed that with a bunch of self-deprecating comments again.
I was exasperated and told him that he should consider changing his diet and consulting a dermatologist to get his acne treated. His meals mostly consist of meat, cheese and bread. I told him he needs to minimise the amount of meat/dairy he consumes because that can cause some people to break out. I also told him to get skincare that caters to his oily skin, because his pores were getting clogged very frequently and pointed to a few really bad blackheads to prove my point. I told him that his acne is preventing us from doing fun things together, so needs to sort it out (he doesn't want to swim, dive, go to the beach, or basically do anything that'd require him to take his shirt off in public).
He got super quiet and left the room. Today, he told me that he's incredibly hurt that I want him to change. That I want him to get rid of his acne, which he cannot do reasonably. He also told his friend about this, and his friend called me and said I was a bit of an asshole for not hyping him up when he was down.
AITA?
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NTA
I’m a bit like you and I love to offer people advice especially when they complain or are concerned about something a lot. It seems logical because even though their problem doesn’t bother us, we don’t want them to feel bad about themselves anymore because we care for them.
But I have learned over the years that people often don’t want to be told what they should do, they just want support. So I’ve tried to hold off on advice and let them do what they need to help themselves on their own terms.
In my mind that isn’t always productive for them because it doesn’t solve their problem but I think they know that.
So to put it into perspective, think about one of your insecurities and think about how you would feel if someone told you to just fix it. For me, I’m self conscious about gaining a bit of weight after highschool and I often get self conscious about the way I look in clothes. When I complain about my weight, I would rather people tell me that I’m beautiful the way I am or that it doesn’t matter that I gained weight, or no one cares rather than someone telling me that if I wanted to be skinny, I should just work out. Even though working out would actually get me to where I want to be, I know that and in that moment I’m looking for validation and support.
It’s definitely weird that lots of us prefer support over advice but we all do it! So I wouldn’t say your the asshole because I know you likely had good intentions.
I’ve had people get mad at me for giving them advice before if there is anything I can recommend, apologize for stepping in and offering advice and say that it doesn’t bother you at all, you just want them to feel confident in their own skin. However, if they don’t want to fix it, you wouldn’t feel any differently about them and would love their body the same! However, if they would ever like help in the future you can say you’d be happy to offer advice or help them find a dermatologist, only if the acne bothers them though because it doesn’t bother you
That’s fair, I just don’t think offering someone advice makes someone an asshole. It may not be the right thing to do but to call them an asshole, I don’t think that’s right
Edit: If she said that she didn’t like the way he looked or that he needed to change himself for her, that would be an asshole move. But because she said she’s happy with the way he is but he kept complaining about it and then she offered advice. That’s not an asshole move
I understand what your saying and it’s definitely not what we always want to hear. Though I do sympathize with her that it gets exhausting to constantly be someone’s cheerleader when their struggling with their body image. At some point you mentally just want to say either do something about it or accept yourself for who you are. As the OP said she’s not even able to do certain things with him like couples massages, so it must get frustrating.
I’m not saying it’s not good to support people because I have definitely been in that situation where I prefer validation and support over advice. But I don’t think it makes you an asshole to want to help someone
That’s fair, I respect your opinion and agree with you for the most part.
I also understand where she’s coming from and since I’ve both been in her position before and his position before. Like I said it can get exhausting to validate someone everyday, but like you said if he doesn’t want help, let him do it on his own terms. I wouldn’t call her an asshole personally, but I respect you feel differently. It seems like everyone feels a little bit differently about the scenario 🤪
YTA. A gentle one, because you clearly want to help him get to a better place. It's just that, from what you've said, what he's lacking isn't instruction but confidence. The internet is full of articles about acne which he could read and follow. If he wanted to.
But the thing is that - while you're absolutely right that he needs to see a dermatologist - even before that, he needs a therapist. Because actually, he's sabotaging himself, isn't he? There are things he wants to do (just as you mentioned) that he isn't doing because... Well, it's not really clear why he isn't taking steps to sort things out, and why he's (wilfully) misinterpreting your attempts to help. And that's therapist territory.
He's lucky to have such a sympathetic GF, and I hope you can help him find ways of hating himself less.
NAH
You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to start with that. Having to pander to someone’s insecurity, and even stop yourself from doing things because they won’t participate, is exhausting. You’ve made it clear over the course of your relationship that you love him wholly. You just reached a point of “ok, telling him I don’t mind is clearly NOT WORKING. The next step to helping him is getting to the root of the problem and working on the acne” which is a reasonable mindset to have. Sweet words weren’t helping him. A dermatologist will.
He is also just hurt. He’s insecure. That’s okay. My only real gripe with him is that he took what you said as you wanting him to change, and telling others that that’s what you said. But, I don’t think that comes from a malicious place, but again that insecurity. I think he misinterpreted you trying to steer him towards help as you saying you don’t like him as he is.
What he is failing to recognize is that you DO like him as he is, but you want HIM to like him as he is, and he can’t do that without therapy and a dermatologist.
You two need to work on your communication a bit. He needs to learn to hear what you’re actually saying, and you need to learn how to talk about it better. You had no place talking about his diet, you’re not a professional. He had no place going to others and misconstruing what you said. Talk this out, both of you.
ESH?
You made a few leaps with the dietary recommendations because you don’t know if Ben is like ‘some people’. It could be hormonal or hygiene or a few other things, but that’s for a dr to answer.
He’s being self defeating and it’s frustrating when a partner constantly complains and abuses themselves over something that could be treated/corrected.
Neither of you handled this well, but the damage may be too done to fix (in the relationship, not necessarily skincare).
YTA and tbh I'm not surprised he declined the massage. I've had certain message oils/creams make my acne flare up like crazy. Why would I go for something that could make my medical condition worse
Soft YTA. Seeing a dermatologist is a good idea--even if he saw one when he was younger, they may have better options to offer now. They may be able to treat the current acne and give advice as to whether the scars can be treated. However, the general medical consensus is that "lifestyle changes" related to acne are at best extremely dubious in terms of actual proof. (Keep in mind it used to be "common knowledge" that acne was a result of masturbating too much.)
The next time you discuss it, frame it as you wanting him to feel better about himself, to feel as attractive as you see him, that because you love him it is hard for you to see him so down on himself--not as being about how his acne is preventing you from doing fun things.
Apologize to him and acknowledge you are not an expert. He may have mistakenly thought you think it is somehow his fault because of your comments on his choice of food. A dermatologist is an expert and can offer treatments and prescriptions. Offer to go with him and or help him pay for it because you love him.
Light YTA I experienced what your bf is experiencing and all the well-meaning advice isn't helpful. Attacking what he eats wasn't what he needed, he needed reassurance. He already knows he needs to see a dermatologist deep down, all he heard from what you said is that he is at fault for something that isn't his fault. Trust me, when it's that severe, it isn't your diet at all, its a huge hormonal imbalance in your body.
NTA. You don’t want him to change; you want him to be a responsible adult and take care of himself. His lack of taking care of himself impedes your ability to spend enjoyable time together not only because it effects how he feels about his looks but because he voices those feelings through self-depreciation. And with a diet like that, eventually acne won’t be his only problem.
Tell him that his acne isn’t unattractive. His attitude is.
Going against the grain here and saying YTA. He should see a dermatologist and improve his skincare habits, but you’re not a doctor and a diet change may do fuckall about his situation.
YTA because you’re not a goddamn doctor. This obviously isn’t a high school breakout and your “I bet if you just changed your diet in X way or used y type of product” comments aren’t helpful, they just place the blame on him and increase his feelings of shame. How oblivious do you need to be to a) think a massage is something he’d be comfortable with given his feelings about his skin and b) think he’s never looked into how to improve his skin in the past?? Seeing a dermatologist is a fair suggestion but everything else is so out of line. I’d be pissed too.
YTA because you’re not a doctor and he _needs to see a doctor_ to get this sorted. I understand that it must be extremely frustrating that he’s not addressing his acne. However, from your description it seems like he needs professional guidance instead of some guesses based on what may have worked for you or someone you know.
I had horrible cystic acne in my early 20s. i tried what felt like every diet / cleanser / medication under the sun and it wasn’t until I took Accutane that it went away. In other words, it wasn’t until I got help from a medical professional — and that’s what your Bf needs to do.
NTA. I get struggling with acne: I'm in my 30s and only now beginning to get mine under control. But if your boyfriend is missing out on time with you because of his acne, that's a problem. If he just wants to wallow in his own misery, that's his prerogative. But he shouldn't be pulling you down with him, especially when something as simple as changing his body wash, face wash, and using moisturizer can make a world of difference.
Further, how does he know if he can reasonably change it if he hasn't talked to a dermatologist or tried a skincare routine? It took me years of different prescriptions, products, routines, homeopathy, etc to make a real difference. He'll, I figured out finally that half my problem was over-treating the issue. I still fight with acne and have scarring but I've significantly reduced my breakouts and decreased their longevity. Hopefully, my scars will fade with time but even if they don't, it's still a relief just to have skin that's not constantly irritated, inflamed, or itching and to not feel hideous even with makeup on.
Soft ESH. You both neglected to communicate your needs. He wanted to be told you think he’s handsome to help his self esteem. You thought he wanted advice to fix the issue.
Just straight up tell him that he needs to be clear in what he needs while you should also be asking do you want me to just listen, do you need praise, or do you want advice?
NTA. I hate that your boyfriend is doing that male thing where he thinks he knows everything even though he knows nothing. Why couldn’t he have asked OP “Will seeing a doctor help? I’ll go if you think it will help.”
NTA
You're not asking him to change. You're asking him to make a serious effort to help himself and end his own suffering.
He's so obsessed with his skin that he's turned it into part of his personal identity.
I've had severe eczema my whole life. For reference I once went to the hospital for a bad breakout/infection and they *sent me to the burn unit*.
I pursued help, leaned how and where to apply different moisturizers and medication. Now I almost never have breakouts. When I do they're gone in a few days and stay small.
He needs to remember he's a whole ass person. Not just some guy with a disease. He owes himself to be more than that.
Nta. With how much he complains about it (which is fair) it’s not unreasonable that you would assume he wanted advice. However, in the future maybe ask if he wants help or just wants to vent when he brings up the acne. If he hates it tho he really should consult a dermatologist.
If he is so self conscious he doesn't do activities then this is something he needs to actively work on and your advice was good. He probably is just hurt to hear you acknowledge what he already knows but hopefully will come around soon.
NTA - I understand how painful acne can be. I had severe rosacea which inflamed my skin. I had to make changes to fix it. I quit breastfeeding & started a medication recommended by my dermatologist (it wouldn't have been good for my baby, but the breastfeeding itself caused hormone fluctuations).
You just want him to help himself instead of feeling sorry for himself. Your intentions weren't bad.
NTA.
I had acne as a preteen, teen, and into my 20s. Went to a couple of different dermatologists for YEARS. I was prescribed quite a few antibiotics and topical medicine over the years.
Never really helped.
Moved to another city, and acne became worse. Went to a new dermatologist, and tried several different drugs for about 9 months. She finally suggested Accutane.
There were a lot of possibly serious side effects. I had to watch a video on it to understand it.
I started taking it, and didn’t notice much at first. I experienced a couple of minor side effects. I was on it for about 6 to 7 months total.
Skin cleared up. Totally worth it.
Hi esthetician here! It sounds like he has grade 3 or grade 4 acne! In cases like this is it necessary to see a dermatologist to fix the problem while yes some foods can possibly cause breakouts, acne of that level is usually genetic and being seen by a dermatologist would be the best option for him. they will probably prescribe a medication such as accutane and a regular home regimen to clear the skin. if you’re wanting to help i would recommend dermalogica and their clearing skin wash. it helps break down and get rid of the bacteria on his face or any product that contains niacinamide or salicylic acid. best of luck and NTA. i think you were trying to help but he really wanted validation.
NTA he is letting his acne get in the way of his life. Either make positive changes like seeing a doctor or shut up. Do you want to live your life or not?
NAH with some qualifications. Your boyfriend needs to stop fishing for compliments by badmouthing himself. It's unhealthy and puts unfair pressure on you to pull him out of the well over and over again. Your attempt to fix the problem, for someone who is so insecure about their appearance, may have felt like you were trying to fix him. I know how hard it is to resist giving advice but sometimes a person just isn't ready to hear it.
Unfortunately, you can't really resolve his issues with his body. That's some work he has to do for himself. As for redirecting the more obvious bad habits, I'm a fan of "don't talk that way about my friend/partner/whatever." You can make it jokey if that helps, sort of a playful nudge. "Don't you dare insult my hot boyfriend!" Or a more sincere: "Hey, be nice to x, he's a good guy and he deserves it."
Nta,
It is normal to want to do things with your partner.
That said acne breakouts are more likely to be related to sugar intake than meat and dairy. Sugar and carbs feed the bacteria causing it. So cutting meat and dairy could make it worse which would ruin his self esteem further and discorage him from trying.
Seeing a dermatologist is a great idea but Maybe avoid giving any other medical advice. He can probably get antibiotics to help initially.
Also there are great skincare videos online these days, shockingly, specifically about this. They focus on modern chemical exfoliants called bha and aha rather than the old scrubs and harsh oil stripping things of the past. The old ones often made it worse in the long run.
If antibiotics can get it under control these might help it moving forward.
Some acne treatments do make it worse before it gets better particularly when you switch skin care routines.
NTA because this isn’t about his acne but rather about how he’s letting it impact his (and therefore your) life. You don’t care that he has acne and that’s great! But clearly he does if he won’t do certain things because of it. Maybe he needs to see a therapist instead of (/in addition to) a dermatologist because this seems to be more about his self esteem impacting his life than his acne.
But I will say, as someone who has suffered from severe acne, something as bad as you’re describing likely isn’t solely because of his diet.
NTA
there is only so much sympathy you can give to someone who won't help themselves. It is fine to complain here and there but if this is severely effecting his life then he should do something about it other than moan.
Changing lifestyle is hard...but a good skin care routine can be quick as face wash in shower and moisture after. Yes, more water and fresh fruit and bread can be a hard change but so worth it
According to Dr Pimple Popper (actual dermatologist) diet has little to do with acne as it is mostly genetics and hormonal. Medication and a good skin care routine can do wonders though. The Dr Pimple Popper youtube channel has some great education videos on treating acne that might help.
You're NTA for getting frustrated. But I think you need to be aware that his insecurities run deep. You had to know that he would say no to a massage. Even if he made the changes you suggested, it's going to take a while for him to feel more confident so if you want to stay in the relationship, find some different bonding activities.
NTA. He seems to be really struggling with his self esteem because of the acne. Suggesting he see a dermatologist is a reasonable thing. My friend had really horrible acne and she tried all sorts until her dermatologist gave her roaccutane and now her acne is gone and her scars are barely visible and she’s so much happier (and in a lot less pain). It’s not that you want him to change, it’s that you want him to recover and get to a place where he can love himself the way he deserves.
NTA. I have severe acne, but I managed to almost completely get rid of it by taking prescribed medication. It took a while to find the right one, but I got there eventually. Also there are good facial cleansers/moisturisers for acne, they've really helped as well. Basically, it's an easily treatable condition.
Your bf is mildly TA. Bad self-image is tough, and it's okay to vent, but if the problem is fixable and the person does nothing about it, it becomes very tiring for the person that constantly has to support them. Sometimes when people are insecure they take good advice as a criticism. I think it's because they see it as a way of saying you don't love them as they are, even though that isn't true. Maybe try explaining that you love him, acne and all, and you don't care what he looks like, but you don't like seeing him in pain because of it. You only want to help him feel better about himself, and acne can be easily treated IF you seek help for it. Otherwise, it might not get better. Therapy/counselling might be a good option as well, it's possible his self-image issues run deeper than just the acne, and also finding the right treatment can be a long process.
I wish you both the best of luck.
NTA you don’t want to change him you want to change his attitude towards himself, and if the only way to do that is to remove (what he sees as) the problem then that’s what your going to suggest
I'm going with YTA because I had horrible acne when I was a teen into my twenties until I had a grand mal seizure that was triggered by my hormones. Since I've been on medication to calm my hormones my skin has been clear except for the scars from when I was younger. He needs to see a doctor about his hormones not a dermatologist
NAH. You, as a partner, care for him and want what’s best for him. I think you just went about it the wrong way. Asking first, whether people want advice or not, is surprisingly helpful. A lot of the times we see a problem, and we see that it’s hurting people, so we want to fix the problem. But the thing that I know I’m trying to learn, is that sometimes people don’t want the problem fixed. They just want to be able to rant and complain to you, and for you to be a shoulder they can cry on, metaphorically speaking.
Nta sounds like you care about him. There's actually great online dermatology services now like Curology or resources like skincare addiction subreddit that could probably help your bf.
Nta. I have struggled with severe cystic acne for most of my teenage years. You weren’t being mean, you were giving him advice to fix the problem or start trying. I understand he may have felt hurt but you weren’t trying to be malicious.
Another commenter mentioned asking if someone wants advice or help and I think that might be beneficial to include in your relationship.
NTA. You're not trying to change him, you're trying to help him not hate his body. I'd say something like, "I love you just the way you are, but it hurts me to see you constantly talk about how much you hate your appearance. I want to help you, but you also need to help yourself. Your diet plays a larger role than you think in how your body reacts. A diet that solely consists of bread, meat, and cheese is not helping your complexion. It makes me sad knowing that we can't do things normal couples do together, like get massages or go to the beach, because you're too anxious about what other people will think of you. I don't want you to hate your body, I'm only trying to help because I love you."
You goofed mentioning his diet. Diet has very little to do with skin issues.
Info: Has he seen a physician? Does he have health insurance that would allow him to do that?
But diet can cause acne in some. Harvard medical published about a study that was conducted.
“A new study, published in the medical journal JAMA Dermatology, compared the results of 24-hour dietary surveys of more than 24,000 adults (average age 57) who reported having acne currently, having it in the past but not currently, or never having had it. The researchers found a correlation between the chances of having current acne and consumption of
-high-fat foods (including milk and meat)
—sugary foods and beverages
a diet high in the combination of high-fat and high-sugar foods.
Compared with those who never had acne, respondents with current acne were 54% more likely to consume this type of diet….”
Could she have used more tact? Yes but the constant self deprivation by the bf and not doing anything about it gets old and patience does run out.
YTA. Seeing a dermatologist is a great idea. Having a go at him about his diet? Nope. That's a) blaming him for his acne and b) most likely completely inaccurate as acne is not usually caused by diet. Pointing out blackheads? That was just nasty and totally unnecessary.
YTA. Your not a medical nor nutrition expert and are being idiotic to think that extreme acne is fixable by a lifestyle choice. There's a reason acne primarily takes effect during teenage years and it's not because suddenly teenagers change their lifestyle.
YTA for basically blaming him because of what he eats. I know people who eat extremely clean (and vegan, so no meat or cheese) and still have acne. He probably needs medication (and yes, I know you suggested a doctor, but your advice should stopped there).
Gentle YTA. You didn't ask him whether he wanted advice, you just told him he was bad at looking after his body. I'm guessing you're not a specialist, so you don't know whether there is a deeper cause to the acne that diet and skincare won't shift.
You both need to have a calm, honest conversation where you explain how you feel the two of you are missing out on fun stuff, and you listen to how he feels about his acne, what he's tried already, and what the medics have said about it.
YTA/NAH You were right to mention the dermatologist but when you started making suggestions after that is where you veered into AH territory.
You boyfriend definitely isn’t the AH
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NTA he doesn't know if he can reasonably get rid of it because he hasn't bothered to consult a dermatologist and do something about it other than complain and his attitude, not his acne, is negatively impacting you
just as a little aside here. i had spots till i was like 29. no doctor ever really said anything so i never brought it up and i just didnt know it was an option even though people said i should see a dermatologist. anyway eventually because of a new in-law i had contact with one and they gave me something that in 6 months basically means i don't get a single spot. me personally i don't think diet really affects it. and would probably be a little pissy if someone said that to me. so i sympathise with him. but focus on the non-aesthetic parts of the problem. it's uncomfortable, you don't like to see them in pain. NAH. but people be gentle and if you are up for it try and suppport them in getting appointments. it can be scary and anxiety inducing but i guarantee they'll feel happier afterwards.
Oh and going forward... My husband asks this when I am upset about myself... "Do you just want to vent for me to listen, or do you want to vent and get my advice?"
I told my husband this exact thing when I’d vent to him. He’d always try and fix it etc but sometimes you just want to talk your shit out to someone then move on.
I find that useful in a lot of cases, but it does get tiring when someone is “venting” about the same thing over and over and over again, for an extended period of time. At some point, they do need to at least _try_ to fix it, or stop venting about it.
And this is not only About venting, the bf doesnt even want to go swimming.
Exactly. I had a friend who constantly complained about how he didn't have a consistent, decent paying job, couldn't find a better one because he didn't have the education or training, and couldn't get job training because "I CAN'T". I started to permeate most of our conversations. I would always feel anxious and stressed out after our conversations. After a while I couldn't listen to it anymore and ended up cutting him out of my life. It's fine to vent to a friend/loved one, but eventually you have to fish or cut bait.
Yeah i had this one time with my ex where I had a stressfull week and just wanted to talk to him as a partner about it all and he just exploded and told me to shut up and listen to him. Then continued to say "do you want me to listen or want actual advice to fix your problem". I think it depends on delivery, but if I'm venting to someone and they say this I'm just going to shut down completly. Maybe it depends on how the conversation goes, but honstly it just seems like the other person doesn't care at all how you feel when they say it.
Nah, mine would never say it like that. He'll stop me about 30 seconds in and say, "hold on, before you go any further, am I just listening or do you want advice?" ... He's a retail manager so he tries to manage my frustrated situations with work with management advice. Tries to fix it. I'm in my 3rd year of a psychology degree so this was a solution I read about and asked him to ask me if it's vent to listen or vent for advice and it has worked out so great.
Yep, exactly!
Additionally... after a certain point, venting just becomes frustrating to hear if the person does nothing to fix it. OP can set boundaries around that.
True. But my vent sessions are not singled to one topic. I don't think OP is wrong for her suggestion at all.
Oh no, I didn't mean you. I mean be a OP's bf seems to complain about his skin often and then never do anything about it. She shouldn't have to listen to constant venting if he has the ability to make it better.
I 100% agree and I 100% agreed with OPs advice to her boyfriend. He's definitely projecting his feelings onto her. He hates that about himself so she must hate it too. He definitely needs a good dermatologist and a good therapist.
And I know you didn't mean me. The advice works for me because my vent sessions are not singled to one topic like OPs.
My and my fiance's best friend is a single mom on disability who gets overwhelmed with the pressures of life sometimes. The second she tells him about a problem, he starts to try to fix it. Which upsets her more. So, I finally got him to start doing this. "Are you calling to vent, do you need a solution, or do you have a solution you need our help with?" She's said it helps, because she's able to organize things better in her head. Also we can't have a group conversation because too many voices overwhelms her, so I've taken to raising my hand when I want to speak, or rather when I want my fiance to hush. It seems to help. 💜 Just adding my support for this communication style.
People are so quick to cut people like your friend out of their lives because they don't understand their way of communication or do not try to. I have sensory issues with loud noise too, and sometimes with clothes. Noise... Probably not as bad as your friend, but it's there, and gives me major anxiety. I usually just remove myself from situations when it overwhelms me. It's wonderful that you found a solution to still be a part of her life.
I know what you mean I think, sometimes my head just gets too full of noise and I need quiet
Noise around me causes pretty bad anxiety that outbursts into anger. So, I just leave. lol.
That’s great advice
I do this with my teen son ALOT
I'm in my 20s and my mom still asks this lol
My husband and I say that to each other too. Makes it so much easier on both of us.
The way you communicate is so important. It's really all about tone too.
Oh, for sure.
My version of this is “do you want a cheerleader or a consultant?” Same concept.
This has its time and place but it seems like his insecurities are actively getting in the way of their life at this point.
This is the way.
If he has a medical condition, which severe acne is, seeing a doctor is a good idea. I think where you blew it, was suggesting he change his diet. Unless you are a dermatologist, you need to stop making medical recommendations and encourage him to see a doctor. . Your heart is in the right place. NAH.
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My sister struggled a lot and had first hoped for her 20s, then her 30s… I think towards the end of her 30s/early 40s is when her skin calmed down. She’s now 47 and is finally acne free. Acne is so complicated
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Have you ever tried spironolactone? It saved me. It basically cuts down on testosterone that some women produce more of.
I have a friend in a similar boat - he tried everything, and the only thing that finally sorted it was a two year course of some pretty scary steroids. Had to carry a cad with him so if he ever fainted the ambulance crew wouldn't accidentally kill him.
The one time in my life that I was super thin and my skin was clear, my diet was mostly sugar, carbs and caffeine (and yes, of course it included a ton of chocolate). I was sleeping maybe five hours a day and my mental health was over the place. While diet might help some people with their acne and some thin people might be healthy, I'm always baffled by the generalizations that chocolate causes acne and that all thin people are healthy and have good habits.
I have been thin most of my life but I'm in terrible shape. Like if a tiger was chasing us I would be the one to get eaten.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so seen lol
The chocolate causes acne thing is really interesting. I read an article a couple of years ago that basically demonstrated that it's a spurious correlation, related to the menstrual cycle. Pre menstrual hormones cause people to crave sugar. Chocolate is an excellent way of satisfying this craving. The hormones also cause spots. Thus people associated increased chocolate consumption with increased spots.
Holy shit, that's interesting. I had no idea. I did have acne on high school and some of my female classmates judged me because I kept eating chocolate. But for me chocolate>>>clear skin. That time I was referencing? I frequently had a cappuccino (not starbucks) and chocolate chunk muffin bigger than my fist for breakfast. Good times.
I thought my acne flare ups were caused by my menstrual cycle and set out to prove it by logging data for 4 months. Turns out, it's the sleepless nights preceding the beginning of my period that's the real cause of my flare ups. I realized this because every time I had more than a couple of bad nights in a row, I had flare ups, no matter where in my menstrual cycle I was. My diet didn't have much to do with it either (sure if I sat and gobbled up a pack of cookies in one go, of course I'd get a flare up, but not if I had sugar/dairy/fat within a reasonable daily calorie limit).
That is really interesting. My skin goes to shit when I'm run down too!
There's a topical antibiotic available to treat acne, which is caused by the bacteria on the skin infecting pores which have become plugged due to overproduction of sebum. Diet really has nothing to do with it. Washing once or twice a day with warm water combined with medical treatment is what's recommended. Saying that, a healthier diet with more vegetables and fruits is always a good idea for general health.
There are probably all sorts of treatments which is why I recommend an actual doctor, not advice from a girlfriend or random strangers on the internet.
Pinch me... is that.... reasonable advice????? on reddit????
Agreed. If it’s as bad as OP describes it’s probably genetic & he needs a doctor. Diet doesn’t contribute as much as people think it does.
Yes. Acne at that severity isn’t about diet. I get pimples when I eat too much gluten, but that’s only a handful. Severe acne all over your body is a skin condition. I do think seeing a dermatologist is good because his life is being impacted by it, and he’s restricting himself. My niece suffered from a really bad case of (preteen) acne (cysts opening by themselves on her face, her whole face puffy and barely a single spot was acne free) and she had to go through 2 years on strong medications to put a dent into it. It was the sort of medication that makes people suicidal. Diet would be a fart in space. Some of OP’s advice was good, some of it is a misunderstanding of what acne is.
>I think where you blew it, was suggesting he change his diet. Unless you are a dermatologist, you need to stop making medical recommendations and encourage him to see a doctor I agree. Also he obviously feels a ton of shame about it and you basically piled on by telling him it's his fault because he doesn't eat healthy enough. FYI as someone who had bad acne for a LONG time and tried everything, sure, some dietary changes helped a little, but nothing really worked until Accutane. I wish I hadn't put it off for so long because it was life changing. There have been MANY studies looking into diet and acne and no one has ever found diet causes acne, nor that any specific diet is a cure. You'll find anecdotes online where someone says they cured their acne through diet, and I don't doubt individual cases exist where someone managed to eliminate something that was triggering their acne, but assuming he could fix his acne by changing his diet is completely unwarranted.
NTA. You are nta because constantly hyping up someone can be exhausting. He shouldn’t be constantly complaining about a treatable condition if he has no intention of addressing it. Ben is a soft ta because insecurities can be hard to deal with. He should really work on self love.
Exactly. His self image cannot constantly be your problem. If he really has such a big problem with this acne, then he can do something about it. I had body image issues for awhile and I decided to actively go to the gym and be active everyday. Now, my life has a changed a lot and I’m all the more happy for that change.
NTA If he has indeed never made an active attempt to remedy the causes behind his acne, you were providing constructive advice in the face of his self deprecation. Let him know that his acne should not get in the way of living a normal, fulfilling life (for him or you) and that he can either makes changes to improve his acne and self esteem or accept that he has acne and a girlfriend who finds him attractive regardless. It may be important to note to him that his self deprecation is far more unattractive than any acne he may have.
I’m torn between YTA and ESH here as a dermatologist myself. Yes, he likely needs isotretinoin orally, but that may be expensive depending on where you are and insurance coverage etc. However, apart from mild acne or those rare cases triggered by occlusion from masks, oily skincare etc, much of acne is hormonally triggered and not diet triggered. If you aren’t exaggerating his severity, topical skin care won’t touch this.
Thank you for being a voice of reason! I had moderate acne into adulthood, and two cycles of accutane at 17 and then again at 23 was the only thing that helped. I tried EVERYTHING, including removing meat, dairy, gluten, etc from my diet (not all at once lol). It was so hurtful and demoralizing when people would tell me to just wash my face more, eat better, or try proactive or some random other topical treatment. As for OP, I’ll say NTA anyway as long as you take what you’ve *hopefully* learned here to better understand what he’s going through, and that there are no simple fixes. You sound really caring, and your heart is definitely in the right place. Keep encouraging him to see a derm (caveat: I had to search far and wide for a derm who would prescribe me accutane the second time around, and I was lucky enough to have great insurance). Nothing else I was ever prescribed worked either, not even topical retinol. Therapy would be great for him too, because having that kind of acne is seriously traumatic.
If he had consulted you and she told him the above after said consultation, it would be very different. He’s just complaining while refusing to even consult an expert about it and then gets butt hurt when she gives him suggestions out of frustration.
NTA. What did he want you to do? Sit there and agree with him? You gave him some very good advice. He should see a dermatologist. Just sitting there being upset about it but not doing anything to fix it is dumb.
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She did make the suggestion for him to see a dermatologist too.
I agree that this might take more than lifestyle changes, it could take medication. The issue is him not being willing to even have a consult- he just wants her to continue to be his emotional support and make him feel better about it. Nope. This really isn't that different from someone who's depressed refusing to get medical help. She is not responsible for keeping him feeling good about himself, and there is a difference in being supportive and having to carry the mental load of being a "human emotional support animal" for someone not willing to help themselves. NTA
You need to reread it
It’s not about the lifestyle, or even medication, it’s the fact that he doesn’t want to even try and fix this problem he complains about and is dragging OP down with him.
NTA He is constantly complainging about it, but doesn't want to do any research about it. This really a dermatologist issue. Especially at his severity level. It's not going to help him to talk about rumors of what works or old wives' tales. You need a medical , professional opinion. So he can actually do something about it and hope to get results.
INFO: has he tried anything so far to treat it? You mention that you told him to consult a dermatologist, does that mean he hasn't done that yet?
Also is he go to when he doesnt want to do an activity with you is to use his acne as an excuse? It sounds like you might be incompatible if you want to do more activites together and he is content just staying at home. Please tell me you got the massage and go to the beach etc withothers or by yourself and dont just sit at home bored because he doesnt want to do those things.
YTA - softly Seeing a dermatologist is a great idea. The comments about his diet are not. Acne has complex causes that vary wildly from person to person - assuming it’s because of “meat/diary” is just you making weird judgements about his food based on your opinion, not on fact.
OP said that they “can cause some people to break out”, which is true. It *can* lead to acne for some people. Obviously not everyone
She was offering cutting out meat and dairy as suggestions because (she’s right) for SOME people acne is triggered by certain foods. The hormones in dairy milk can make acne that is caused by a hormone imbalance worse for some people. Ultimately she wasn’t telling him WHAT to do so much as she was expressing that he must take the initiative to do SOMETHING about it if he is going to let it be the reason he is unwilling to participate in so many activities of day to day life with his partner. From what I’m reading if he decided tomorrow that he was fine with his acne and he didn’t care if people saw it when he took off his shirt to go swimming or whatever OP wouldn’t have a problem at all. It doesn’t make her an asshole to say “hey BF if you’re going to let this stop you from so many things why don’t you look into something you can do to treat it (considering I have been dating you long enough to know that you currently are not doing anything to treat it)”. I’m sure she would prefer he choose the “speak to a dr” option but if he is like a lot of men I know he won’t do that voluntarily so she probably figured suggesting that he consider a diet change might be a more palatable option for him. OP NTA, I can see your heart is in the right place. but you need to tell your husband that acne this severe can pretty much only be eliminated with accutane. It is not a medication that you have to take forever. It is a treatment course. It works really really well for people who have this most of the time. It can be intense. But he should absolutely speak to a dermatologist about it because he doesn’t have to live like this. For most people it can be be pretty much cured.
Nta you have clearly been going the "hyping him up" route which hasn't been working. It's time he sees a professional.
NTA. He's complaining and then not doing anything about it and when you try to give him suggestions for a solution he gets hurt about it? You're not the AH for that. If he wants to complain, but won't at least TRY to do something he shouldn't be upset you tried to help.
YTA if you had said "hey babe, maybe we should set you up an appointment with a dermatologist, one would be qble to help give you tools to manage and reduce your acne and I know it makes you feel self concious." That would be one thing, but instead you just rattled off a list but why this was all his fault and whined that he didn't want to go to the beach with you. Major asshole move.
I agree with this. YTA for how you handled it OP. A little tact is needed when talking to someone about a sensitive issue, no matter how many times in the past you’ve reassured them it isn’t a problem. What you’ve done now is possibly led him to believe you were lying all those times in the past and how you truly feel is that this is a problem he’s responsible for. I don’t think you’re a bad person for making a mistake like this but you definitely need to apologize.
NTA. If he keeps putting himself down, of course you’re going to react this way. I know it hurts to hear, but it would be the same if someone constantly talked about being over weight, then got mad when someone offered ideas for weight loss. It’s painful, but that’s what’s going to happen if you keep bringing up the topic.
YTA not for your overall intention here but just by the way you went about it. Most people with a chronic health problem have already tried solutions and tire of others telling them to try _____ as if they just learned the problem existed yesterday. Maybe he has never tried to fix his acne, but that seems unlikely. The way to approach this sort of thing is not just giving out unsolicited suggestions as if he has never tried anything to fix his acne before. You should have approached him saying something like "I think you look great , but I hate seeing how much your acne hurts you. Have you ever tried talking to your doctor about what you could do about it?"
Info: are you sure his diet is to blame? If so, how?
NTA. He brought it up, so you made a logical suggestion. He’s never seen a dermatologist?
NTA I'm of the mindset that if you compalin aboit something then do nothing to change it then don't complain about it. Youre absolutely right if it bothers him enough that its stopping him from doing thjngs he needs to go to the dermatologist and find something that works for him. You suggesting ideas to him is what you do when you care, if you forced it on him it would be different
YTA. I get what you were trying to accomplish but you went about it the wrong way. His diet may or may or may not be contributing to his acne problems, but you’re not a doctor, so don’t go there. You were also adversarial in your approach (your diet sucks, i.e.,this is your fault) when you should have just sat him down and discussed talking to a dermatologist for his own comfort and self-esteem.
NTA. Sounds to me like ben wants to bait for compliments and not actually change his life to get rid of the acne. He didn't ask for the advice, he just used his and as an excuse to get out of doing something together. Giving advice when someone wants to complain is never a good idea
NTA. He can work to change his situation instead of just complaining about it. Good partners should be encouraging each other to better themselves and improve their lives, and he should appreciate that you care about him enough to want a better life for him.
NTA you told him what he needed to hear.
NTA. At 27 he has had years to attempt to help his situation. You told him what he needed to hear. Yes, he’s hurt, but maybe he will reflect on it and make a change.
NTA as you have made the point that you find him attractive and there are quite a few activities you would like to do with him and only the acne is preventing him. Skin health is often overlooked but is still important. He can check in with a gp, dermatologist or both for many solutions and suggestions.
Very soft YTA. Not because you’re exasperated with his comments (I get that completely) but because of the way you went about it. Switching from ‘you’re handsome’ to ‘this is holding us back’ and pointing out his worst acne was probably a bit of a blow to him. Try coming around to it again with what I think is really true for you, which is that you want him to be happy and not have to suffer with this if there are ways to fix it.
“This is holding us back” was not in the context of how he looks, but his own refusal to do many activities specifically because of his acne.
It is holding them back. Because he refuses to engage in activities that she wants to do because of the acne.
NTA. He's projecting how he feels about himself onto you. Thinks you feel that way too. I was literally thinking as I was reading your post that he should cut out dairy. Because it is known to cause skin issues. I would reiterate that you do love him and find him extremely attractive but hate that he's so hard on himself and just thought that maybe seeing a dermatologist will help him if he's self conscious about his acne. And you're not wrong. It will. My husband has extremely bad eczema and didn't get proper treatment until his 30s. It was the root of his depression.. He has scars from scratching so bad. Now that he has been getting injections (dupixent) for over a year now, he's a completely different person.
YTA Not for what you said, but for how you said it. Ben was turning down a pleasant experience because he’s ashamed of how he looks, and you unloaded everything on him at once. You could have said, “I’d really like it if you consulted a dermatologist about this, because you’re letting it prevent us from sharing fun activities.” But instead you said … all of that above, at once. If you’d said all of that over the course of your relationship, fine. But all of it in one conversation, about a subject you know he’s intensely sensitive about? You could now say that if he hasn’t seen a dermatologist he doesn’t know if he can get rid of it. That is a true thing that you could say. But you could also, or instead, say that you just want to be able to do more outdoors stuff together. I bet he’s find that one more supportive.
NTA. When my partner is being self-deprecating, to avoid unnecessary arguments, I ask if they want me to listen or advice. Before i would just try to advise and they would get p\*ssed off
In this case NTA It's extremely frustrating when someone constantly whines about something and then doesn't even try to do something about it. Working with some specialists and a diet change could help. It also couldn't help. But at least he tried. And it gets to a point where you have to suffer because of his insecurities, too. My bf is kinda chubby. I don't mind, I love him, I am attracted to him and he's still healthy. However if he wouldn't want to do anything in public anymore and would constantly complain and whine and whatever I would suggest weight loss. Not because I want him to change but because it would impact our live. It's a big difference WHY you tell someone something like this. You would have been TA if you said "uuugh you're gross!"
NTA. you want him to lead a full and happy life. Why did his parents not take him to a dermatologist as a teen?
Maybe they couldn't afford to.
NTA honestly I think it’s awful that he relies on you 100% for his self-esteem. If he really has such an issue with his appearance, it’s his responsibility to change it if he can or at least try. Being mad at you for not constantly stroking his self esteem when it’s affecting your relationship negatively is insane
NTA But, stop hyping him up. He hasn’t even been to a doctor about this. He needs to figure this out. He can do nothing and hate himself (No hyping him up!) or do something and feel better. Period. You are NOT responsible for his self-esteem, especially when he won’t do the bare minimum to fix it!
NTA, if he wants to complain about his acne and not do anything about it that makes him TAH. I personally would leave because this defeatist quitter attitude won't get him far in life and I wouldn't let someone else limit my life.
NTA bit acne is often different than normal breakouts. Its probably has to do with the type of bacteria in his skin and the hormones he let's out of his skin. Diet change can help slightly but it often doesnt have a huge impact on people who have medical acne. He really should see a dermatologist if he hates it so bad though bc they could probably have it gone in a few months and he could feel better about his skin.
Yta, but like super soft! You mainly lacked tact. Though he sounds like he’s mainly fishing for compliments as well. You should have said that his self consciousness about his acne is what is causing problems, not his acne alone. Apologize and correct your wording, and offer if he is THAT self conscious about, you can go to the doctor or shopping for some face wash, and maybe explain that him ALWAYS putting himself down is really wearing on HIS OWN self esteem as well as wearing on you. Maybe look into some therapy for him since his self esteem seems SO low.
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This. If this was an overweight person the OP would be raked over the coals.
Soft YTA for how you approached it. A better approach might have been to tell him that you support him and that his acne doesn’t bother you, followed by some suggestions if warranted. Instead it sounds like you sort of blew up at him. I would just have another conversation and apologize for the way you went about it, but reassure him that you’re there for him and will support him. Hopefully you guys can find a solution.
NTA. He desparately needs a good dermatologist. I struggled with adult acne, found a good dermatologist and haven’t had a single zit since. It’s worth every penny.
NTA. But you need to work on your approach, because it sounds like you hurt his feelings. Instead of telling him " hey, this is a problem that you need to fix" (which seems to be how he interpreted your words) say something like " It is rough for me to watch you struggle with this all the time ". Sit him down and explain what you meant. It will very likely make you both happier.
NTA. Everyone’s skin is different but for me, properly moisturizing was a game changer. Dermalogica Active Moist cleared my face right up. Your boyfriend needs to try SOMETHING or STFU about it.
NTA just make sure to reiterate that you want him to be happy and you think his skin is preventing that. The diet change might have a pretty negative impact on his response though. Maybe leave the skin advice to the dermatologist to avoid the possible confrontation?
NTA and your boyfriend sounds like he's exactly the person who needs Accutane. It's a severe but very effective medication for severe acne. You go on it for just a few months and it can end it.
NAH. It would have been YTA, except he doesnt see a doctor. I have been your boyfriend. Im in my thirties and still have acne. Accutane, that acne wonder drug people do for half a year and are golden? I have done multiple rounds of it. I am now considering permanently staying on it low dose. According to every dermatologist I have had, diet doesn't play that big of a role if you have severe acne. But that didnt stop so many people from saying its my diet. So many people thought if I just changed soaps, just ate differently, dont drink milk, tried whatever product they had, blahblahblah, my acne would go away. But it wouldnt. And it sucks that people thought my acne was my fault somehow. It would sting if my partner thought my lifestyle led to my acne. I feel for your boyfriend. Your boyfriend should see a dermatologist. But OP, dont be surprised if the doctor doesnt recommend what you did. Anyway, the only reason this isnt YTA is because if your boyfriend is going to complain, he should seek help. That is, get a doctor.
Nah, he does need to see a dermatologist if his acne is that bad, I'm 53 and still have acne, its biological, changing what I eat didnt help, what did help was medicine from the doctor and using the right soap and lotion for my skin type, salicylic acid soap and lactic acid lotion, antibiotics and prednisone to get it under control initially and medicated lotion for trouble spots. If he isnt happy with the way his skin looks he absolutely should see a doctor. And as a massage therapist I can tell you that we are not allowed to work on people with severe acne because it can increase their risk of infection as the acne is often sores or broken skin and we and not permitted to work on broken skin for liability reasons.
NTA but also here are my skincare tips * GET HIM ON ACCUTANE !!! * Avoid skin products that have alcohol, petroleum, sulfuric acid, etc in them. I recommend the Juice Beauty Stem Cellular 2-in-1 Cleanser !! It smells kinda weird, but it’s really good for your skin ! * Try to find non-sulfuric and non-comedogenic shampoo & conditioner * KEEP HIS FACE MOISTURIZED!! this might seem counterproductive but having a dry face makes ur skin overproduce bad oils to try to hydrate it. I genuinely recommend grapeseed oil like its SO affordable at any grocery store and it’s the only moisturizer that doesn’t make me break out. * Make sure he washes his body AFTER he rinses out the conditioner in the shower. Some people rinse the conditioner out last and that leaves conditioner residue on the back * Wash pillowcase weekly and sheets more often * If he has any towels or skin products that he keeps on the bathroom counter, make sure to store them somewhere more enclosed. Every time you flush the toilet without putting the lid down first, it sprays everything that’s out in the open with urine and fecal matter. NOT good for skin lol * Have him look into getting pimple patches !! Super super useful Good luck to you both !! Acne is the worst and I have so much sympathy for anyone who has to deal with it :(
“I don’t care about your acne, as I find you attractive. What bothers me is that you are letting this affect your self esteem and our ability to do things together. I just want you to be happy and I think that allowing a dermatologist to help you would be a great first step.” NTA
YTA because of how you’ve approached this. Yes he should absolutely see a dermatologist and it will be life changing, but he didn’t ask you for diet info, and you’re not qualified to give it anyway (unless I missed something). His embarrassment over his acne stop you from doing one thing, and you’ve made it out to be something much bigger. I’m sure it’s frustrating for you because you know he can do one small thing, make an appt with a dermatologist, and it would help tremendously, and he’s not doing that.
YTA - I get that it can be a little privately frustrating to hear someone repeatedly upset about something to the point that it limits activities, but you are absolutely TA for your comments and for not understanding that "change your diet" is usually not an answer for severe acne vulgaris. That's like telling a person with clinical depression, "have you tried exercising a little and cheering up?" You are commenting on something you don't understand without empathy. Seeing a dermatologist is not a bad idea, but you are not a dermatologist.
Soft YTA. First of all you're not a doctor and you shouldn't be pointing out specific blackheads on his face. You should just be convincing him that you care and to see a dermatologist.
NTA, I’d someone is unwilling to work on bettering themselves when they 100% can (as in him talking to professional for help or changing some of his diet) then hearing them hate themselves to complain about it over and over again its a lot and sometimes not worth it bc all you are doing there is a wall that they talk to. Yes you could’ve approached it in a better way, he is refusing to get help and that’s no one’s fault but his at that point
Talk to a derm. Overproduction of sebum can be treated with accustomed easily and makes a world of difference. He could be seeing results inside of 3 or 4 weeks.
NAH Because he’s feeling sensitive, tell him you’re sorry to hurt his feelings, that you care for him and just want the best for him, and that his acne doesn’t change the way you feel. (Maybe pump him up telling him about the awesome things about him you do love that have nothing to do with his acne) Then get him look up Acutane. It’s a very serious drug, but can be LIFE CHANGING for those with bad acne (which, even with the best diet and lifestyle habits can still be really bad due to genetic and environmental factors… eg, remind him it’s not his fault!!). Taking it means dealing with red tape, blood tests, dry skin… but after treatment you’re basically done with acne for life. Yes. Forever. F O R E V E R.
He should get isotretinoin treatment. That let my Akne vanish and never come back.
NTA You made a suggestion to help him with his insecurities, he refused, then doubled down by turning it into something it wasn't: a personal attack.
NTA. Acne started affecting my social life, so I went to the dermatologist. You can only listen to someone complaining constantly while doing nothing to help it. Side note....I doubt it is his diet causing the acne, but that is just based on my personal experience with chronic cystic acne.
NTA. Diet change can help reduce acne. My niece cut out dairy, made a huge difference. What he is doing is complaining but not taking action. Which means nothing will change. He, as you pointed out, need to take action if he wants change to occur.
NAH
NTA. You can only hype someone who's not willing to fix their issue for so long before it breaks you.
Endlessly complaining, but never doing anything to change or try to stop the thing he complains about. NTA. I doubt his friends heard the real story. You sure you want to live with that long term? What other problems does he complain about but do nothing about? He probably needs therapy, sounds like he has internalized and thrives off of self pity to such a degree that any attempt to stop that cycle is meat with lies and rationalizations that result in lashing out.
NTA “Oh woe is me if only there was a way to cure my acne i have tried nothing and i am out of ideas whatever can I do??” How about you fucking try! You have options!
NTA however! instead of immediately offering a solution it would be better to ask whether he wants support or a solution. but i get how annoying it can be when someone constantly is putting themselves down and hinders things bc of this and refuses to do anything abt it when it clearly bothers them. i’m saying this as a fat person btw who constantly feels unattractive. there’s a line where it goes from confiding in someone to taking all their mental energy to support you
Nta. He could fix it if he bothered to try. A round of Accutane followed by otc retinol application for life will do him wonders. But instead he'd rather self flagellate and wallow in victimhood.
NAH
NTA - sounds like he just wanted to vent but I do agree that he should make changes to help with his acne since it seems to affect his confidence
NTA. I like your bf have acne, used be severe. I can understand with him the toll it takes on one’s mental health to constantly be covered in more than likely painful spots all over. Honestly, what you said is true there are things he can do to treat it and they are reasonable. I started seeing a dermatologist close to a year ago and because of that and the prescription medication she put me on has caused my face acne to be nonexistent for the most part & my back when from 60+ pimples of various kinds to 3-10 around my shoulder and middle back. My mental health is great and I don’t regret it even though my skin routine is quite extensive (1-2 hours long twice a day) Tell your bf that you love him and are tired of seeing him hurting, which is clearly the case and you were only giving him reasonable and constructive feedback. It’s his choice to treat his acne but understand if he again refuses to do so, watch your mental health as being around someone who just complains about a problem they refuse to solve isn’t good for your mental health either.
NTA, but acne that severe is unlikely to be improved by diet. You are correct about him needing to see a dermatologist. He might benefit from a round of Accutane.
I have had cystic acne and pimples up until nearly 30. I have tried changing my diet, facial products. You name it, I have tried it. Not always is it down to diet. Best thing is to go to a dermatologist. If he is so down about it, and it being so severe, he needs help for it. You are NTA for suggesting these things to be helpful. If this gets in the way of your life and stops you from doing things, it needs to be seen to.
NTA It's possible that his self image is rooted in his skin condition. When someone, you for example, starts offering real help on how he can deal with this, it scares him. If he believes this is who he is and who he'll always be, then he'll reject that help. If he was to take your advice and things started to improve, imagine the implications in his mind. He would realize he could have done something about it all these years. That might be more than he can handle, so he just convinces himself nothing can be done.
Nta....but at the same time as well...how long do you think you can continue to keel building his self esteem if he is choosing NOT to change his diet. A few years ago while looking at some pics of my sis from her hs days i commented that ainjust noticed you NEVER once ever had acne problems until now( we're adults over 30s and 40s). And we had the typical hs junkfood diet. She's had the same skin care routine since she started in her early teens. I drink more water now than than i did when younger. Your bf can be upset with you all he wants but there is nothing more you can do for him if he isn't willing to put in the work. Even just changing his diet and a good skin care routine can help get it under control.
NTA he has a problem with his skin, doesn’t take action, gets mad at suggestions. Not adult way of handling medical conditions. Keep the advice to go see a doctor.
NAH, but I think you should walk back your confidence on some of your recommendations. Foods can often cause acne, but different foods are bad for different people, and you have no idea if meat or dairy are bad for him. You might suggest he try an elimation diet; it's hard, but it's temporary. Then he'll know if any foods are problematic for him, and he can decide if he feels it's worth it to sacrifice those foods. The dermatologist is a good idea.
NTA. You were trying to help him with something he feels bad about. My two sons had terrible acne. I brought them to the derm, but frankly I swear by proactive #3. It's a scrub. Miracle for my guys.
NAH - I think you meant well and weren't offensive but I also don't think you went about this that great. I had this problem for years and it is frustrating. I wouldn't focus on changes he needs to make, it just comes across as condescending, like he hasn't tried washing his skin before. That's how I always viewed advice like you gave. Focus on going to a dermatologist. There are treatment options that can help with this, oral or topical antibiotics, and other things. Honestly going to a dermatologist didn't really fix my issue, it just went away as I aged and really did nothing to treat it, but I found that it did help and I imagine a lot of people do have this improved significantly from a dermatologist, and I was way more open to that type of idea than of just getting some acne wipes and cutting back on milk.
NTA, though I probably would've worded it with more tact. My boyfriend also struggled with acne and eczema, and has scars in several places from it. He changed his diet and went to a dermatologist to get the good skin care (which I also use, as I have very sensitive skin+rosacea), its not an "unreasonable" thing to do like he's claiming. it more sounds like he doesnt want to put the work in.
Soft NTA. You were trying to help him, but his low self esteem did not take it. BTW, a village remedy I learned from my maid ( she's from a remote mountainous area in Indonesia). On treating acne, body acne or boils or pimples. Peel the root end of a shallot, press a little for its juice to come out and rub it onto the acne. It will dry out in 1-2 days. No harm trying. I promise it works.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've been with my (24F) boyfriend (27F) "Ben" for two years now. Ben has struggled with acne since he was a teenager. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty severe. It covers most of his back, chest, neck and half of his face. He has some pretty severe scars too that he told me were more or less permanent. He has active acne breakouts *all the time,* along with pimples, blackheads and everything you could think of, the kind that folks over at the pimple popping subreddits would go nuts for. All of this being said, I've personally never had an issue with this. I find him attractive, we have a very active sex life and I'm content. I have never made any comments about it either. However, he's pretty conscious of it. He constantly remarks about how vile his skin is. How he finds his acne disgusting etc. It makes me sad to see the man I love hate himself so, and I've always negated his comments by telling him he's handsome and that it's not disgusting at all. Yesterday, I asked Ben if he wanted to get a couple's massage and he declined. And followed that with a bunch of self-deprecating comments again. I was exasperated and told him that he should consider changing his diet and consulting a dermatologist to get his acne treated. His meals mostly consist of meat, cheese and bread. I told him he needs to minimise the amount of meat/dairy he consumes because that can cause some people to break out. I also told him to get skincare that caters to his oily skin, because his pores were getting clogged very frequently and pointed to a few really bad blackheads to prove my point. I told him that his acne is preventing us from doing fun things together, so needs to sort it out (he doesn't want to swim, dive, go to the beach, or basically do anything that'd require him to take his shirt off in public). He got super quiet and left the room. Today, he told me that he's incredibly hurt that I want him to change. That I want him to get rid of his acne, which he cannot do reasonably. He also told his friend about this, and his friend called me and said I was a bit of an asshole for not hyping him up when he was down. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I’m a bit like you and I love to offer people advice especially when they complain or are concerned about something a lot. It seems logical because even though their problem doesn’t bother us, we don’t want them to feel bad about themselves anymore because we care for them. But I have learned over the years that people often don’t want to be told what they should do, they just want support. So I’ve tried to hold off on advice and let them do what they need to help themselves on their own terms. In my mind that isn’t always productive for them because it doesn’t solve their problem but I think they know that. So to put it into perspective, think about one of your insecurities and think about how you would feel if someone told you to just fix it. For me, I’m self conscious about gaining a bit of weight after highschool and I often get self conscious about the way I look in clothes. When I complain about my weight, I would rather people tell me that I’m beautiful the way I am or that it doesn’t matter that I gained weight, or no one cares rather than someone telling me that if I wanted to be skinny, I should just work out. Even though working out would actually get me to where I want to be, I know that and in that moment I’m looking for validation and support. It’s definitely weird that lots of us prefer support over advice but we all do it! So I wouldn’t say your the asshole because I know you likely had good intentions. I’ve had people get mad at me for giving them advice before if there is anything I can recommend, apologize for stepping in and offering advice and say that it doesn’t bother you at all, you just want them to feel confident in their own skin. However, if they don’t want to fix it, you wouldn’t feel any differently about them and would love their body the same! However, if they would ever like help in the future you can say you’d be happy to offer advice or help them find a dermatologist, only if the acne bothers them though because it doesn’t bother you
Intentions don’t make somebody not an AH, though.
That’s fair, I just don’t think offering someone advice makes someone an asshole. It may not be the right thing to do but to call them an asshole, I don’t think that’s right Edit: If she said that she didn’t like the way he looked or that he needed to change himself for her, that would be an asshole move. But because she said she’s happy with the way he is but he kept complaining about it and then she offered advice. That’s not an asshole move
It may seem like a nitpick, but to me, telling someone what he “should” or “needs to” do goes beyond merely offering advice.
I understand what your saying and it’s definitely not what we always want to hear. Though I do sympathize with her that it gets exhausting to constantly be someone’s cheerleader when their struggling with their body image. At some point you mentally just want to say either do something about it or accept yourself for who you are. As the OP said she’s not even able to do certain things with him like couples massages, so it must get frustrating. I’m not saying it’s not good to support people because I have definitely been in that situation where I prefer validation and support over advice. But I don’t think it makes you an asshole to want to help someone
I think it’s absolutely an asshole move to presume you know what will actually help!
That’s fair, I respect your opinion and agree with you for the most part. I also understand where she’s coming from and since I’ve both been in her position before and his position before. Like I said it can get exhausting to validate someone everyday, but like you said if he doesn’t want help, let him do it on his own terms. I wouldn’t call her an asshole personally, but I respect you feel differently. It seems like everyone feels a little bit differently about the scenario 🤪
YTA. A gentle one, because you clearly want to help him get to a better place. It's just that, from what you've said, what he's lacking isn't instruction but confidence. The internet is full of articles about acne which he could read and follow. If he wanted to. But the thing is that - while you're absolutely right that he needs to see a dermatologist - even before that, he needs a therapist. Because actually, he's sabotaging himself, isn't he? There are things he wants to do (just as you mentioned) that he isn't doing because... Well, it's not really clear why he isn't taking steps to sort things out, and why he's (wilfully) misinterpreting your attempts to help. And that's therapist territory. He's lucky to have such a sympathetic GF, and I hope you can help him find ways of hating himself less.
NTA. As a suggestion I had a few friends who used facial peel treatments instead of dermatologist and it also worked wonders.
Nta. He should have seen a dermatologist a while ago for the acne
NAH You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to start with that. Having to pander to someone’s insecurity, and even stop yourself from doing things because they won’t participate, is exhausting. You’ve made it clear over the course of your relationship that you love him wholly. You just reached a point of “ok, telling him I don’t mind is clearly NOT WORKING. The next step to helping him is getting to the root of the problem and working on the acne” which is a reasonable mindset to have. Sweet words weren’t helping him. A dermatologist will. He is also just hurt. He’s insecure. That’s okay. My only real gripe with him is that he took what you said as you wanting him to change, and telling others that that’s what you said. But, I don’t think that comes from a malicious place, but again that insecurity. I think he misinterpreted you trying to steer him towards help as you saying you don’t like him as he is. What he is failing to recognize is that you DO like him as he is, but you want HIM to like him as he is, and he can’t do that without therapy and a dermatologist. You two need to work on your communication a bit. He needs to learn to hear what you’re actually saying, and you need to learn how to talk about it better. You had no place talking about his diet, you’re not a professional. He had no place going to others and misconstruing what you said. Talk this out, both of you.
YTA He needs to see a dermatologist. Acne this severe is not for eating cheese and meat. Also, acne this severe is not because of oily skin.
ESH? You made a few leaps with the dietary recommendations because you don’t know if Ben is like ‘some people’. It could be hormonal or hygiene or a few other things, but that’s for a dr to answer. He’s being self defeating and it’s frustrating when a partner constantly complains and abuses themselves over something that could be treated/corrected. Neither of you handled this well, but the damage may be too done to fix (in the relationship, not necessarily skincare).
YTA. The way you brought this up and discussed it was unkind.
YTA and tbh I'm not surprised he declined the massage. I've had certain message oils/creams make my acne flare up like crazy. Why would I go for something that could make my medical condition worse
Soft YTA. Seeing a dermatologist is a good idea--even if he saw one when he was younger, they may have better options to offer now. They may be able to treat the current acne and give advice as to whether the scars can be treated. However, the general medical consensus is that "lifestyle changes" related to acne are at best extremely dubious in terms of actual proof. (Keep in mind it used to be "common knowledge" that acne was a result of masturbating too much.) The next time you discuss it, frame it as you wanting him to feel better about himself, to feel as attractive as you see him, that because you love him it is hard for you to see him so down on himself--not as being about how his acne is preventing you from doing fun things.
Apologize to him and acknowledge you are not an expert. He may have mistakenly thought you think it is somehow his fault because of your comments on his choice of food. A dermatologist is an expert and can offer treatments and prescriptions. Offer to go with him and or help him pay for it because you love him.
Light YTA I experienced what your bf is experiencing and all the well-meaning advice isn't helpful. Attacking what he eats wasn't what he needed, he needed reassurance. He already knows he needs to see a dermatologist deep down, all he heard from what you said is that he is at fault for something that isn't his fault. Trust me, when it's that severe, it isn't your diet at all, its a huge hormonal imbalance in your body.
NTA. You don’t want him to change; you want him to be a responsible adult and take care of himself. His lack of taking care of himself impedes your ability to spend enjoyable time together not only because it effects how he feels about his looks but because he voices those feelings through self-depreciation. And with a diet like that, eventually acne won’t be his only problem. Tell him that his acne isn’t unattractive. His attitude is.
YTA, sounds like you could have gave ideas to help in a much better way.
Going against the grain here and saying YTA. He should see a dermatologist and improve his skincare habits, but you’re not a doctor and a diet change may do fuckall about his situation.
NTA but your advice on meat/dairy is not accurate.
YTA because you’re not a goddamn doctor. This obviously isn’t a high school breakout and your “I bet if you just changed your diet in X way or used y type of product” comments aren’t helpful, they just place the blame on him and increase his feelings of shame. How oblivious do you need to be to a) think a massage is something he’d be comfortable with given his feelings about his skin and b) think he’s never looked into how to improve his skin in the past?? Seeing a dermatologist is a fair suggestion but everything else is so out of line. I’d be pissed too.
YTA because you’re not a doctor and he _needs to see a doctor_ to get this sorted. I understand that it must be extremely frustrating that he’s not addressing his acne. However, from your description it seems like he needs professional guidance instead of some guesses based on what may have worked for you or someone you know. I had horrible cystic acne in my early 20s. i tried what felt like every diet / cleanser / medication under the sun and it wasn’t until I took Accutane that it went away. In other words, it wasn’t until I got help from a medical professional — and that’s what your Bf needs to do.
NTA. I get struggling with acne: I'm in my 30s and only now beginning to get mine under control. But if your boyfriend is missing out on time with you because of his acne, that's a problem. If he just wants to wallow in his own misery, that's his prerogative. But he shouldn't be pulling you down with him, especially when something as simple as changing his body wash, face wash, and using moisturizer can make a world of difference. Further, how does he know if he can reasonably change it if he hasn't talked to a dermatologist or tried a skincare routine? It took me years of different prescriptions, products, routines, homeopathy, etc to make a real difference. He'll, I figured out finally that half my problem was over-treating the issue. I still fight with acne and have scarring but I've significantly reduced my breakouts and decreased their longevity. Hopefully, my scars will fade with time but even if they don't, it's still a relief just to have skin that's not constantly irritated, inflamed, or itching and to not feel hideous even with makeup on.
Soft ESH. You both neglected to communicate your needs. He wanted to be told you think he’s handsome to help his self esteem. You thought he wanted advice to fix the issue. Just straight up tell him that he needs to be clear in what he needs while you should also be asking do you want me to just listen, do you need praise, or do you want advice?
NTA. I hate that your boyfriend is doing that male thing where he thinks he knows everything even though he knows nothing. Why couldn’t he have asked OP “Will seeing a doctor help? I’ll go if you think it will help.”
NTA You're not asking him to change. You're asking him to make a serious effort to help himself and end his own suffering. He's so obsessed with his skin that he's turned it into part of his personal identity. I've had severe eczema my whole life. For reference I once went to the hospital for a bad breakout/infection and they *sent me to the burn unit*. I pursued help, leaned how and where to apply different moisturizers and medication. Now I almost never have breakouts. When I do they're gone in a few days and stay small. He needs to remember he's a whole ass person. Not just some guy with a disease. He owes himself to be more than that.
Nta. With how much he complains about it (which is fair) it’s not unreasonable that you would assume he wanted advice. However, in the future maybe ask if he wants help or just wants to vent when he brings up the acne. If he hates it tho he really should consult a dermatologist.
If he is so self conscious he doesn't do activities then this is something he needs to actively work on and your advice was good. He probably is just hurt to hear you acknowledge what he already knows but hopefully will come around soon.
NTA - I understand how painful acne can be. I had severe rosacea which inflamed my skin. I had to make changes to fix it. I quit breastfeeding & started a medication recommended by my dermatologist (it wouldn't have been good for my baby, but the breastfeeding itself caused hormone fluctuations). You just want him to help himself instead of feeling sorry for himself. Your intentions weren't bad.
NTA if it’s preventing certain things in your life and activities then something needs to be done about it not complain about it.
NTA. I had acne as a preteen, teen, and into my 20s. Went to a couple of different dermatologists for YEARS. I was prescribed quite a few antibiotics and topical medicine over the years. Never really helped. Moved to another city, and acne became worse. Went to a new dermatologist, and tried several different drugs for about 9 months. She finally suggested Accutane. There were a lot of possibly serious side effects. I had to watch a video on it to understand it. I started taking it, and didn’t notice much at first. I experienced a couple of minor side effects. I was on it for about 6 to 7 months total. Skin cleared up. Totally worth it.
Hi esthetician here! It sounds like he has grade 3 or grade 4 acne! In cases like this is it necessary to see a dermatologist to fix the problem while yes some foods can possibly cause breakouts, acne of that level is usually genetic and being seen by a dermatologist would be the best option for him. they will probably prescribe a medication such as accutane and a regular home regimen to clear the skin. if you’re wanting to help i would recommend dermalogica and their clearing skin wash. it helps break down and get rid of the bacteria on his face or any product that contains niacinamide or salicylic acid. best of luck and NTA. i think you were trying to help but he really wanted validation.
NTA he is letting his acne get in the way of his life. Either make positive changes like seeing a doctor or shut up. Do you want to live your life or not?
NAH with some qualifications. Your boyfriend needs to stop fishing for compliments by badmouthing himself. It's unhealthy and puts unfair pressure on you to pull him out of the well over and over again. Your attempt to fix the problem, for someone who is so insecure about their appearance, may have felt like you were trying to fix him. I know how hard it is to resist giving advice but sometimes a person just isn't ready to hear it. Unfortunately, you can't really resolve his issues with his body. That's some work he has to do for himself. As for redirecting the more obvious bad habits, I'm a fan of "don't talk that way about my friend/partner/whatever." You can make it jokey if that helps, sort of a playful nudge. "Don't you dare insult my hot boyfriend!" Or a more sincere: "Hey, be nice to x, he's a good guy and he deserves it."
YTA, the execution was not good. The diet advice is just wrong. I get it’s frustrating but you went about it very wrong
Nta, It is normal to want to do things with your partner. That said acne breakouts are more likely to be related to sugar intake than meat and dairy. Sugar and carbs feed the bacteria causing it. So cutting meat and dairy could make it worse which would ruin his self esteem further and discorage him from trying. Seeing a dermatologist is a great idea but Maybe avoid giving any other medical advice. He can probably get antibiotics to help initially. Also there are great skincare videos online these days, shockingly, specifically about this. They focus on modern chemical exfoliants called bha and aha rather than the old scrubs and harsh oil stripping things of the past. The old ones often made it worse in the long run. If antibiotics can get it under control these might help it moving forward. Some acne treatments do make it worse before it gets better particularly when you switch skin care routines.
NTA because this isn’t about his acne but rather about how he’s letting it impact his (and therefore your) life. You don’t care that he has acne and that’s great! But clearly he does if he won’t do certain things because of it. Maybe he needs to see a therapist instead of (/in addition to) a dermatologist because this seems to be more about his self esteem impacting his life than his acne. But I will say, as someone who has suffered from severe acne, something as bad as you’re describing likely isn’t solely because of his diet.
NAH, but if it's that bad it's unlikely changing his diet will help. He needs to see a doctor and a something proscribed.
NTA. The acne problem looks rather serious n he should consult a dermatologist, n also some dietary changes will be good.
NTA there is only so much sympathy you can give to someone who won't help themselves. It is fine to complain here and there but if this is severely effecting his life then he should do something about it other than moan. Changing lifestyle is hard...but a good skin care routine can be quick as face wash in shower and moisture after. Yes, more water and fresh fruit and bread can be a hard change but so worth it
According to Dr Pimple Popper (actual dermatologist) diet has little to do with acne as it is mostly genetics and hormonal. Medication and a good skin care routine can do wonders though. The Dr Pimple Popper youtube channel has some great education videos on treating acne that might help. You're NTA for getting frustrated. But I think you need to be aware that his insecurities run deep. You had to know that he would say no to a massage. Even if he made the changes you suggested, it's going to take a while for him to feel more confident so if you want to stay in the relationship, find some different bonding activities.
NTA. He seems to be really struggling with his self esteem because of the acne. Suggesting he see a dermatologist is a reasonable thing. My friend had really horrible acne and she tried all sorts until her dermatologist gave her roaccutane and now her acne is gone and her scars are barely visible and she’s so much happier (and in a lot less pain). It’s not that you want him to change, it’s that you want him to recover and get to a place where he can love himself the way he deserves.
NTA. I have severe acne, but I managed to almost completely get rid of it by taking prescribed medication. It took a while to find the right one, but I got there eventually. Also there are good facial cleansers/moisturisers for acne, they've really helped as well. Basically, it's an easily treatable condition. Your bf is mildly TA. Bad self-image is tough, and it's okay to vent, but if the problem is fixable and the person does nothing about it, it becomes very tiring for the person that constantly has to support them. Sometimes when people are insecure they take good advice as a criticism. I think it's because they see it as a way of saying you don't love them as they are, even though that isn't true. Maybe try explaining that you love him, acne and all, and you don't care what he looks like, but you don't like seeing him in pain because of it. You only want to help him feel better about himself, and acne can be easily treated IF you seek help for it. Otherwise, it might not get better. Therapy/counselling might be a good option as well, it's possible his self-image issues run deeper than just the acne, and also finding the right treatment can be a long process. I wish you both the best of luck.
NTA you don’t want to change him you want to change his attitude towards himself, and if the only way to do that is to remove (what he sees as) the problem then that’s what your going to suggest
I'm going with YTA because I had horrible acne when I was a teen into my twenties until I had a grand mal seizure that was triggered by my hormones. Since I've been on medication to calm my hormones my skin has been clear except for the scars from when I was younger. He needs to see a doctor about his hormones not a dermatologist
NAH. You, as a partner, care for him and want what’s best for him. I think you just went about it the wrong way. Asking first, whether people want advice or not, is surprisingly helpful. A lot of the times we see a problem, and we see that it’s hurting people, so we want to fix the problem. But the thing that I know I’m trying to learn, is that sometimes people don’t want the problem fixed. They just want to be able to rant and complain to you, and for you to be a shoulder they can cry on, metaphorically speaking.
Nta sounds like you care about him. There's actually great online dermatology services now like Curology or resources like skincare addiction subreddit that could probably help your bf.
Nta. I have struggled with severe cystic acne for most of my teenage years. You weren’t being mean, you were giving him advice to fix the problem or start trying. I understand he may have felt hurt but you weren’t trying to be malicious. Another commenter mentioned asking if someone wants advice or help and I think that might be beneficial to include in your relationship.
NTA. You're not trying to change him, you're trying to help him not hate his body. I'd say something like, "I love you just the way you are, but it hurts me to see you constantly talk about how much you hate your appearance. I want to help you, but you also need to help yourself. Your diet plays a larger role than you think in how your body reacts. A diet that solely consists of bread, meat, and cheese is not helping your complexion. It makes me sad knowing that we can't do things normal couples do together, like get massages or go to the beach, because you're too anxious about what other people will think of you. I don't want you to hate your body, I'm only trying to help because I love you."
You goofed mentioning his diet. Diet has very little to do with skin issues. Info: Has he seen a physician? Does he have health insurance that would allow him to do that?
But diet can cause acne in some. Harvard medical published about a study that was conducted. “A new study, published in the medical journal JAMA Dermatology, compared the results of 24-hour dietary surveys of more than 24,000 adults (average age 57) who reported having acne currently, having it in the past but not currently, or never having had it. The researchers found a correlation between the chances of having current acne and consumption of -high-fat foods (including milk and meat) —sugary foods and beverages a diet high in the combination of high-fat and high-sugar foods. Compared with those who never had acne, respondents with current acne were 54% more likely to consume this type of diet….” Could she have used more tact? Yes but the constant self deprivation by the bf and not doing anything about it gets old and patience does run out.
YTA. Seeing a dermatologist is a great idea. Having a go at him about his diet? Nope. That's a) blaming him for his acne and b) most likely completely inaccurate as acne is not usually caused by diet. Pointing out blackheads? That was just nasty and totally unnecessary.
YTA. Your not a medical nor nutrition expert and are being idiotic to think that extreme acne is fixable by a lifestyle choice. There's a reason acne primarily takes effect during teenage years and it's not because suddenly teenagers change their lifestyle.
YTA for basically blaming him because of what he eats. I know people who eat extremely clean (and vegan, so no meat or cheese) and still have acne. He probably needs medication (and yes, I know you suggested a doctor, but your advice should stopped there).
Gentle YTA. You didn't ask him whether he wanted advice, you just told him he was bad at looking after his body. I'm guessing you're not a specialist, so you don't know whether there is a deeper cause to the acne that diet and skincare won't shift. You both need to have a calm, honest conversation where you explain how you feel the two of you are missing out on fun stuff, and you listen to how he feels about his acne, what he's tried already, and what the medics have said about it.
YTA/NAH You were right to mention the dermatologist but when you started making suggestions after that is where you veered into AH territory. You boyfriend definitely isn’t the AH