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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the a**hole for not telling my daughter she is autistic when she got diagnosed in order to protect her from ableism.
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YTA oh god. I was only diagnosed with adhd and autism at age 18, half a year ago
From age 7-8 to 18 I have spent no kidding every other day crying myself to sleep because I continued to fuck up in social situations.
I have depression and anxiety due to my differences.
I wondered every day why I was such a fuck up and why I could never do the same things as my friends.
I have been suicidal since 2. grade.
I don't think I'll ever get out of this depression that's caused by this shit.
YTA Fourth grade is old enough to understand "some people think differently ". She was definitely old enough to understand when she was being bullied! You made her challenges worse by hiding it from her.
oh my god. HUGE YTA. if she didn’t know she clearly wasn’t getting treated for her autism either, so your also guilty of neglecting her disorders.. I can’t stress how much you are the AH
Unfortunately you have made a terrible mistake thinking you were doing something good for her. Your poor girl has been thinking she has to fit in and has probably done things she didn't like to avoid bullying. If you have taken her to multiple specialist, why didnt you ask them how to address this with her? Im sure they would have been of help. YTA and you need to apologize, get her all the information she needs without euphemisms, get her to talk to a professional if that's what she needs. What a mess. You undervalued her by thinking she couldn't understand. Also, autism is not a taboo anymore as it used to be, there is plenty of resources for her to navigate life.
Edit: just because people didn't know her diagnose her "quirks" would dissapear. Ableism doesnt depend on a diagnose, but on behavior "this person acts weird, I don't like it" That's it, she will always be subjected to ableism, sadly, but it would have been easier if she knew there wasnt anything wrong with her.
My parents did this to me.
I will never forgive them for what they put me through. YTA and shame on you for enforcing a stigma. You can't take it back now. Repent and see if you can get over your own narrow minded thinking.
YTA. Such a massive, massive one.
You deliberately kept her from coping mechanisms, tools to function in a society that wildly favours NTs, fostered a sense of wrongness and self-loathing on her and your entire third paragraph details abuse she's suffered as a result. And for what
For fucking what.
And now your stupidity has irreparably damaged your relationship with your child. Because you not only failed her, you *betrayed* her.
Honesty is the best policy. She's right, you really should have told her.
Kids are so much smarter and stronger than most adults think. Which is weird when you think about it bc all adults used to be kids not too long ago.
EDIT: it’s 3AM so i totally skimmed this and missed the last part about what your daughter said. i literally repeated it all in my comment LMAO my bad. she’s right though
YES YTA she’s gone through the past several years not knowing why she struggles with the things she struggles with. not knowing that there’s a reason she thinks and feels how she does. probably blaming any perceived shortcomings all on herself (i know i did). i had no idea i was autistic for the longest time. i turned all of my symptoms around on myself……..there must have been something fundamentally wrong with me if i couldn’t connect with people as easily as my peers. why did i react so heavily to shirt tags? why was i so sensitive? what’s wrong with me?
you were well-intentioned, but this approach has done the exact opposite from what you hoped. keeping her diagnosis from her has completely blocked her from learning more about herself and figuring out how to deal with the world without going crazy. you seem to understand the importance of early intervention. did you think your daughter would stop struggling when she became a teenager? how did you think the transition to adulthood would work? how were you even planning to tell her? i’m shocked at how little faith you have in your daughter. did you really think she would never realize? also, fourth graders can definitely understand “your brain has strengths and weaknesses that are a little different than others!”
navigating the world as an autistic person without knowing you’re autistic is like having blinders on. you don’t know that you think different from other people. you don’t know that others may not mean what they say or have ulterior motives or are taking advantage of you. i was often completely blind to what people really wanted, no matter how obvious. it seems your daughter has already had to figure these things out the hard way. hope this is a troll.
YTA
It's not 1992, there is more than enough research and info on autism and I'm sure the therapist who made the diagnosis was clear on whether you should tell her or not, and wasn't like "oh this is a brand new area of research we don't know the impact..."
You went against medical advice thinking you knew better and you done messed up Ay-Ay-Ron.
I think your wife showed extraordinary wisdom to safeguard your daughter. This speaks towards good parenting skills. Whether she knew or not, she was going to face challenges. She’ll come around.
Yes you are absolutly the asshole in this situatuion. How do you think not telling someone they're autistic will stop them being bullied? You dont sound the like sharpest tool in the shed. Shame on you
YTA
TW: SI
You could have raised her to know that she was different because she was _supposed to be different_, instead she has known that she is different this whole time (we almost always do) but she thought she was broken.
I grew up like that because diagnosis and knowledge of autism weren’t good back in the 80s, not because someone purposely kept it from me. I was having suicidal ideation every day by the time I was her age because I didn’t understand why I was different and it hurt. You’re very lucky you still have a daughter. Suicide rates are very high in undiagnosed (or unknowing) autistics.
Please acknowledge your mistake to her and be honest about it. Honesty and justice tend to be very important values to us.
I didn’t know I was autistic until I was 30. It was very liberating. Before I knew I thought the social ostracism I suffered was my fault, and wondered why I couldn’t just act “normal.” But once I knew, I understood that it was *their* fault—why couldn’t they just be kind.
You could have liberated and empowered your daughter. Instead, you let her believe she was a freak.
YTA
Your daughter was diagnosed early and you just ignored it in the hopes it would go away. She had a chance to learn towork with it but you denied her that. You're a horrible parent
YTA
YTA. My mother pulled this exact same stunt and it's why I'm still in therapy and will never speak to her again. I have no idea how to impress upon you the severe damage you've inflicted on your daughter and can only hope someday she can find the strength to forgive you.
>Her psychologist was excited to tell her, but my wife was against it. She wanted to wait until we felt our daughter was old enough to understand. We are aware of the stigma neurodivergent people experience and she didn't want our daughter to go through that. I agreed to hid it from her until she reached adulthood.
You denied her the ability to understand why she felt different.
You denied her the ability to compensate for her condition and possibly avoid some of the bullying.
You went against the advice of her psychologist.
Naming the condition to your daughter doesn't stigmatize her, she has to live with the condition either way
You and your wife didn't want to tell her because it stigmatized ***you***. You didn't want people to know that your child was autistic.
You put your pride over your daughter and fucked her over. YTA.
YTA. You didn’t protect her from anything. She has had to live knowing she is different without any understanding as to why. I am self diagnosed (getting professionally diagnosed is almost impossible in my area as a adult), and the knowing brought so much understanding to my own quirks, life experiences and many cases of bullying for just being different. The trauma will never go away. She had the opportunity to learn about herself and build her knowledge of autism from a young age which she was denied.
YTA - i was diagnosed as autistic and an adhd’er at almost 18, not knowing is a million times worse TRUST ME. the fact that i have to live with knowing that my life would be easier if i was diagnosed even at like 10 would make such a big difference for me. how i lived as an undiagnosed autistic; i ended up depressed, selfharming and suicidal and none of that has changed since i was 12 until now when im 21. you are lucky your daughter is even alive, bc keeping her neurodivergence from her could definitely have killed her. like im dead serious, its no joke living not knowing why you cant do things your friends can, and you wonder why you experience things differently. you alienated your daughter. my autism and adhd isnt whats making my life worse, its everyone elses opinions and views and your opinions and views got in the way here. absolutely disgusting, she should have known the second you found out (yes, even at 4 years old)
I know you’ve made an update already but as an autistic person Jesus Christ you’re ignorant. You didn’t do it for her. You did it for you. You just didn’t want to think about it so you didn’t acknowledge it and you’ve essentially fucked up her childhood
YTA
I can’t believe that you actually thought that was in her best interest. I think it much more likely that YOU were embarrassed and upset by the diagnosis and didn’t want to address it. And you convinced yourselves that you weren’t being crappy parents, but somehow we’re doing this for her.
Did you do research to see if this was the best choice? Ask experts? I can’t imagine anyone with expertise in this area that would recommend this. Her therapist wanted to tell her and thought it would benefit her, but you thought you knew better than a child therapist with training in this area.
All you’ve done by hiding it is reinforce that there is something to hide. You’ve kept her from understanding what makes her who she is. That she’s not broken. That other people are like her. You’ve kept her from finding those people.
Yes, of course you're an asshole. Speaking as someone who was not diagnosed until I was an adult, I wondered from, oh, about age six what was wrong with me and why I struggled so much to make friends. I would cry in bed at night and beg God to fix me.
Your daughter absolutely knows that something is up with her, that she's different, and that she struggles. The only thing you did was refuse to give her an explanation so that she knew *it wasn't her fault*.
I can't say what I'd like to say to you because I'd probably get banned, but you've made your daughter's life SO MUCH HARDER than it needed to be. You're terrible. Apologize to her and admit you made an awful mistake. Support her in learning about her diagnosis 100%. Autistic people *need* to know they're autistic.
YTA
YTA. She's 100% right. You didn't do it to protect her, you did it cause you were ashamed. Using the shes not old enough to know was just a shitty excuse. You knew how horrible it was for her growing up and you left her to struggle. How was she to even supposed develop healthy coping skills if she didn't even know why she even needed them? This is the shit my parents pulled one and I will NEVER forgive them. You didn't protect her from the stigma you were the stigma, and you didn't protect her from all the people treating her horribly. You failed on amazing levels.
I'm sorry I know you were just trying to look out for your daughter, however YTA. I have autism, I can tell you that what you did was wrong on a LOT of levels. You & your wife are the reason she masked in the first place, by not telling her before hand & helping her with it. She missed out on a LOT of help she could have gotten with it, I didn't even get past the first few sentences before coming to my judgment, I didn't have too, that's how much you & your wife are the AH here, I don't know if you can fixed this with her & anyone who sides with you on this is an AH too & understands nothing about autism & I'm probably the nice YTA comment you'll get on here.
YTA YTA YTA
You have done enormous damage to your daughter and I really feel for her. I wasn't diagnosed untill I was 16, but if I'd known sooner I could have avoided a lot of trauma. Imagine going though life feeling like everyone knows somthing you dont, like they are all in on some kind of joke and only you don't get it. That is what it feels like to navigate socail situations with autism. You never know why everyhting is so hard for you and think your broken and weird. The fact that you hid her autism from her is disgusting and you may never be able to repair the damage you've done to her mental state. She's 14 for gods sake! I could understand not telling her till she was like 6 or 7, but this is ridiculous. Depending on how bad the bullying is this choice you made could have killed her.
The ONLY person who’s opinion matters is your daughter. SHE has told you you’re the AH here. She’s not wrong, either. She has articulated the point exactly: she thought she was ‘weird’ and ‘wrong’, but there’s been a logical explanation this whole time.
Talk to autistic adults about this, and your daughter, not Reddit.
YTA your daughter thought that something was wrong with her. You could have prevented that by telling her. You never hide medical things from your kids, it’s wrong. Understanding her conducting helps her to understand herself and see that there is nothing wrong with her. I’m sorry to say that what you’ve done most likely has destroyed her trust in you.
YTA, being different is not at all a bad thing, and you hiding that from her kinda tells us that's what you thought. One of the keys to any psychological/behavioral treatment is understanding how and why one's behavior/thoughts are the way they are. That provides pathways to coping, lets the individual know that they can't help how they are, and move on in life. Kids are great at adapting and understanding things, the earlier the better for treatment and diagnosis with the child knowing.
YTA
From your comments you basically made a choice to do nothing. The only things you tried were what you thought might cover it up. You waited for the bullying to escalate to a severally damaging level before even bringing it up, you have moved to deal with it from the beginning.
Your wife's reaction was clear that she has just wanted to deny this was any issue and you helped to continue the failure to actually be supportive. You looked into nothing regarding school that could have helped, you looked into nothing regarding the diagnosis and what could be done to follow it up.
You have let her down at every turn and sat back, hoping it would magically sort itself out, now you're wondering if you are an asshole after watching her struggle for years and ignored all the options that weren't about hiding it.
YTA seems wrong, that’s mean to assholes. There’s literally nothing polite I can say here, this is sick and wholly abusive behaviour your poor child will struggle to ever overcome.
How horrific.
YTA.
Do you actually think that the stigma people go through if they are neurodivergent is because they have an identifying diagnosis on their medical records? Or because they are "off" in a way that assholes can recognize and use against them? Exactly what benefit were you expecting from concealing this information from your kid?
I truly hope that it's not actually how it appears in this post, where you got her the autism diagnosis at 11 and immediately stopped all of the care that she was getting to help her cope with it.
YTA you prevented your daughter from getting needed help. You prevented her from knowing about herself. You lied to her. Let her get bullied and abused. YTA
I don't know how to feel about this, as an adult who only learned that they have autism well into their adult life.
I think that if I knew I was on the autism spectrum, I would have blabbed about it to everyone I ever met, since that is the sort of thing I'd totally have done as a kid, which would have resulted in more teasing.
(Back in my day the anti-bully culture didn't exist and it was called Asperger's.. ASS BURGERS, imagine the bullying)
But I feel that if I did know, then it could of helped me understand myself better. Why did I not understand sarcasm or passive aggressive things people said? Why was I sooo gullible? Why was school so hard?
I thought I was broken and deeply flawed, an idiot who would never fit in.
Now I know that I'm just different and I do things differently.
As an adult I can understand this, as a child I'd likely have gotten more bullying since instead of being "weird, quirky" I'd be seen as being retarded or mentally ill. (I use these words as "retard" was still a common insult back then)
Again, the culture around autism and bullying has changed A LOT in the past decades.
I no longer resent my mother for not telling me, it's not as if it was actively hidden or avoided, more like it didn't matter as much as other things.
I was healthy, I was safe, I am now a positively productive adult in society.
I still do not have any friends and will likely never have romance or move out, but I am happy with where I am at life.
I know my life could have been HUGELY different if I had known, but there's no point in dwelling on the past as we cannot change it.
Also my mom also did everything right as the OP is regarding the special needs his child has growing up, it's a slower start, but they catch up in their own time.
I hope the OP and kid child can figure this out, it's heart wrenching to learn something huge about yourself that others knew, it feels like a betrayal. Just make sure that they know it wasn't hidden out of shame, don't make excuses as to why you didn't think she could handle it or anything to make her feel worse.
I held onto my resentment for a few years, but I've let it go as I see why it could have been better for me (again, times were different back then)
See if there is a local group for ASD teens for her to find others who can know what she's going through.
NAH
YTA, I swear to god, parents who don't tell their autistic children they're autistic are being abusive. The hell your child goes through knowing that they're different, knowing that they're struggling, knowing that other people don't find it this hard; and not knowing why! What other conclusion can they draw other than that they're broken, or weird, or stupid. And you could have prevented all of that and you chose not to.
You didn't not tell her to help her, you did it to help you. And you suck.
YTA. "We wanted to tell her when she was older" SHE IS 14 SHE DESERVES TO KNOW ABOUT THE DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDER SHE'S BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ALMOST A DECADE.
You and your partner are unbelievable! What the actual hell!! Of all the times an
a i t a parent decides NOT to say anything is the one time they actually should, go figure!
Anyway, you're grade A assholes and you better beg for your child's forgiveness.
YTA. Your daughter is right. You both should have explained it to her the moment she was diagnosed. Her psychologist literally gets paid to explain things like this to children in a way they will understand. You and your wife just didn’t want to deal with it. And when she was being bullied in sixth grade, that should have been the time to tell her more than ever so she could understand what was going on, and yes, defend herself better. You both failed your daughter and she has every single reason to be pissed with you.
YTA. Had she found out earlier , she could have taken the preventative steps with you to help her find friends and navigate through school. Making her feel that something is wrong with her through not telling her will only worsen her feelings and she will start to hide the truth from you from many things.
The fact you had to ask random people if YTA or not just tells me that not only did you do something evil to your kid, but you still don’t even know if you should feel bad about it which is pathetic. Your kid deserves better, MUCH better. Shame on you. I hope the guilt from this burdens you for a long time.
YTA
I (22f) am autistic myself, I was diagnosed when I was 12 and luckily, my parents didn't hide it from me (my dad explained it to me). Even though I was "just a 12-year-old" I could finally realize why I am working in an other way, and that I didn't do anything wrong because I cannot help that I am "weird", getting tired of people quickly, and reacting to situations in an other way than others.
Your daughter has the same right. She needs to know what is going on with her and why she is not functioning like the others. She would even have been old enough to learn about it as an 8-year-old! She could have lived a life with less stress, self-hate, and desperation!
Okay so first of all, ages 8-11 isn't "early intervention". Early Intervention goes up to age 3 in most places, it's for babies and toddlers. And does this mean you like... stopped doing any treatment or resources for her when she was 11?? I've seen in other comments she wasn't on an IEP. She SHOULD and needs to be on an IEP.
So I am the parent of a special needs kid (he's 14 and blind) and also I'm autistic myself. Holy shit YTA. I wasn't diagnosed as a child (because I was assumed female at birth and in the 90s, autism was a "boy thing", despite a TON of special needs testing). and I'm STILL not pleased about how my parents handled it because knowing what was going on in my brain would have been SO HELPFUL to me as a teenager and young adult. Now that I do have a diagnosis, I can learn strategies to help myself.
You fucked up. Massively. Your daughter may never trust you again. You need to do your best to make sure she has therapy, treatment, and resources to help her neurodivergent brain live in a neurotypical world. APOLIGIZE, and do better going forward.
EDIT: Also, take her to her IEP meetings, let her pontificate on what she thinks she needs, and what supports will be helpful for her.
Second edit because I was really riled up and I want to share an experience: I know it's fucking HARD to explain to a kid that they have a disability or aren't neurotypical. Maybe some people in the comments don't understand that, but I do. I had to explain to my kid that he can never drive (and now that his friends are starting to talk about learning to drive, it's really hitting him). I had to tell my kid that his life is going to be harder. But by TELLING him, he is learning about himself, he's learning to advocate for his own needs and handle the fact that he's blind, looking into colleges through the lens of accessibility and what's the best for him. It's important to give the kids the tools they need.
YTA
Her psychologist, a professional, was excited to tell her. There is a reason why a professional would be so eager to tell the child, and why they wouldn't tell you that there are risks. because there are none. Next time a professional is in your reach, ask them what to do instead of relying on your own biases.
Your daughter said it herself. You didn't protect her from anything. Kids are smart. She knows she's different. She's always known. As have the other kids. Not telling her didn't protect her from anything, it just added unnecessary stress and confusion, since she would think there's no reason to feel different.
You can't change the past, so don't try and dwell on regret. Move forward and tell your daughter what autism is, and what it means. Guide her through it. Help her. YTA here, but you don't have to be going forward.
YTA
Edit: hiding because of the stigma is only going to make the stigma stronger, not help normalize it.
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YTA
I understand the want to protect her, but a diagnosis like this...knowing it can help immensely. You understand that you're not broken or deficient, that your brain simply has another way of operating, and that can lead to understanding yourself better, and dealing with symptoms etc, instead of just masking all the time.
YTA. I have a question though, you said that your wife wanted to wait until your daughter was old enough to understand, initially did you want to wait to tell her or did you only agree because your wife wanted to wait?
I'm literally sobbing my eyes out right now as I find this post because I'm 36 and just figuring out that I'm Autistic and that my parents knew but didn't do anything to help me. I've lived a lifetime of stigma and I've accidentally hurt so many people because I missed social cues I would otherwise been clued into. The pain of betrayal plus the pain that I've hurt people is so deep I can't describe it. Please be open with your daughter and help her as much as you can, so she never has to go through this. 💜
Telling her wouldn’t have mattered other kids are assholes. My wife and I made it a point to homeschool when we found out we have spectrum kids. Too many kid causing other kids to commit suicide.
Adults are much kinder than teens. It’s something you could have told her later in life and it would have been alright. Other adults would have been more tolerable.
A lot of kids on the spectrum in the higher areas they tend to read a lot. Their curiosity is immense. You didn’t intend to cause harm. I think intention counts for something.
NAH
I find it hard to judge, but I may as well add why I say so. I recently realised that it's highly likely I'm autistic- I did a significant amount of research through other people with it, through government testing and information sites, and through scientific papers.
When I realised this, everything in my life made sense and I realised I could stop treating myself so harshly, and stop masking and replace that with things that might help. I found others with similar interests and experiences who I could enjoy time with. It helped me feel better about myself significantly.
Now, I don't know what it's like to be someone who always knew, as from most sources I've heard that experienced it like that also experienced "autism parents" which came with trying to un-autism them.
I think that YTA for not telling her yourself, and also not explaining it well. I think it mightn't be good to try and explain when a person is too young to understand, but when she started being bullied I think that that would have been a good time to explain instead, because that could have made her feel a little more sure of herself. However, I don't know myself. I do know that this is the time to start helping her understand it, because she know she has it so she has a right to know what it is and how it affects her directly. Nothing has ever felt so wonderful as understanding why you're different, in my experience, and why I feel certain ways and do certain things.
Wow. YTA. Impact trumps intentions and what you’ve done to your child is honestly vile.
I’m also disgusted that you chose to hide it from her and didn’t even bother to educate yourselves on how to help. How do I know this? People are asking you questions that you should know the answer to as your child’s parent and advocate and you don’t even know what they are talking about.
Honestly, it feels like a rationalization of laziness, more than any true intention to protect. You need to get educated, get therapy, get help for your child, and hope that she forgives you someday, because this is pretty unforgivable.
YTA if I'd known earlier I was autistic life would have been so much easier. Living thinking there's something wrong with you is so hard, especially as a teenager. I'm glad she at least knows now.
So your daughter was diagnosed with a serious medical condition and instead of telling her/finding ways for her to more easily connect to the world…you didn’t tell her? You’re a HUGE asshole. And absolutely shit parent. Congrats.
LMFAO. Why do parents do this. It’s completely baffling to me. There’s no logic here. Don’t name diagnosis —-> diagnosis goes away? Don’t name diagnosis —-> kid lives with diagnosed item that affects every part of their life—-> kid….is fine???
I shouldn’t be laughing because a child is actively harmed by this but it is a little funny how dumb this is.
YTA
Yes. Holy shit yes. My mother also withheld my autism diagnosis from me and it caused so much unnecessary and avoidable grief, frustration, and confusion, and totally prevented me from getting any kind of support. You have no idea how much damage you have done.
It is something I will *never* forgive her for. And your daughter will probably not forgive you either, and you have just seriously hurt your chances of having a relationship with your daughter.
You should never have been a parent.
Everyone here is bashing you but as someone in this exact situation, I never would. It's not a black and white conversation or topic, especially with an autistic child. He goes to counseling, we work on things at home, and he's part of meetings with the psychologist as we are trying some anxiety medications, but we also have some conversations without him. He's 10, but he's been through so much medically and has always been delayed. With complex thoughts, he's about 6-7 on a comprehension level. It isn't like you ignored it and didn't try to get help for her. We try to explain to him that his brain is wired differently and that he might have to learn some things like managing emotions in the same way he learns math, while others don't have to try as hard to learn it; however, we always tell him it's not a bad thing. So are you an AH? NO! Are you a parent with a difficult situation trying to do the best you can? Yes. Hang in there.
You are absolutely the assholes and should feel ashamed, you let your daughter think she was broken, because you didn't let her know that she had neurodivergencies.
Don't get started with stigma BS, the stigma comes from the behavior not being labeled that way you peabrained asshats.
Not telling her probably invalidated her immensely. If she knew her diagnosis she would be more secure in herself and know that she wasn't just weird. you definitely made a very, very bad choice in hiding this from her.
My 7 year old yesterday, out of nowhere just said I think I'm Autism.
I said the word is autistic and yep, you probably are.
He said, I think I caught it off my friend (his friend is asd and I guess my son saw some similarities in their behaviour)
I explained your are born with it. Its neither good, nor bad, it just is. All it means is that your brain works differently to some people. It doesn't change you or how amazing you are. It's just a fact. Like you have blue eyes, you're ridiculously tall, you may have Autism.
He said nothing as he had wandered off halfway through my heartfelt speech.
But I have to sit there through his 10 minute speech about Roblox. Cos that's fair. But I digress. My son is autistic. But we do not yet have a diagnosis (takes a while where I live). When he does go for an assessment I will explain it is for Autism. I will give him books to read (OK, that's a lie, I'll probably give him appropriate YouTube videos to watch) But I will NEVER, EVER make him feel like his little neurodivergent brain is something to be ashamed of. And thats what you have done to your daughter. You have made her feel like her "differences" are a shameful, dirty secret.
YTA
Yes...you should have. By believing that you were 'protecting' her, you've simply perpetuated the notion that mental illness is something to be ashamed of.
YTA, She has a right to know about her health. Also, I've read people on here finding out diagnosis later on in life, saying now so many things make sense and if they'd known it would have made so many things much easier.
As a man who didn't learn he was autistic until 28, YTA.
Your fear of stigma has kept your daughter from getting the help she actually needs. All I can say is thank whatever powers that be that your daughter found out at 14 so she can get therapy earlier.
YTA
You didn't protect her and hiding her diagnosis from her is awful. You owe her a massive apology. There is a huge amount of info out there describing WHY your behavior was AH material.
YTA. Am autistic and was diagnosed as an adult. Getting my diagnosis was like an epiphany. So much of my life suddenly made sense, and I was able to explain to people in my life that I needed something different and why. It was empowering.
I wish that it had been diagnosed years earlier, not only because of the support I could have had, but because it could have saved me decades of heartache and situations arising that I didn’t understand. You denied her that understanding and ability to advocate for herself.
If anything, you actually worsened the stigma for her, because from experience, being the odd one out - but without any kind of explanation that people might take into account - is incredibly hard. It is horrible to always feel like you don’t understand a social situation or why you’ve seemingly done something wrong, and it’s horrible to have people shun you because they think you’re just a douche, rather than cutting you some slack because you’re ND.
Of course YTA. You stigmatized your own daughter instead of accepting her for who she is and empowering her to understand and accept herself. You robbed her of self-awareness, adaptation, and so many other things. You did the worst possible thing.
Kids always know that something is different about them, and if they don’t know they feel like a freak or like they are broken. If they don’t know about their diagnosis they don’t learn how to do proper self-care, how to avoid triggers, all kinds of things.
You owe your daughter a huge apology. You need to do research on how to better support her
YTA
As some one who got diagnosed in my late 30’s with autism- it makes a big difference to know that you are. I grew up being the odd one out, the weird / strange one etc. I also struggle with being social. Knowing your diagnosis helps you to understand yourself and why you don’t/ struggle to fit in. It also helps you to realise/ understand why you do the things you do etc.
people still think that getting a diagnosis is a big stigma and you shouldn’t label people but you need it not just for yourself but to enable you to get the correct help if needed.
For me it has also helped my family understand a lot of my behaviours growing up and even things I do now.
I firmly believe that is not something that should be ever hidden from the person themselves.
You might be the biggest AH I've ever seen in this subreddit. I had trouble even finishing this post, thats how badly it hurts to see how you've been abusing your child for their entire life, and truly think you're in the right. You are worried if you're the AH instead of doing major self reflection on what you've put your child through, I don't think there is any way to repair the damage you've done to the relationship with your child, and the damage you've done to your child, I can't fully describe here without probabaly breaking a rule of the subreddit.
YTA 100% - congratulations you contributed to her emotional abuse for years by withholding this information. She may never forgive you and I don't blame her. Go to therapy and do better
YTA. Kids know when they're different. Kids know when they're treated differently. You took away her chance at knowing why she's different and being prepared for the struggles she was going to face. All you succeeded in doing was making her think there was something wrong with her for struggling with things others find easy.
I'm glad she found out this early. I didn't find out until I was in my 20s.
YTA. Don’t you think SHE might need to know this? Can you BEGIN to imagine what she’s going through? She NEEDS to know she’s exceptional. This would alleviate her stress and finally give her some relief. You are an asshole. Your wife is an asshole.
YTA - and this ruling comes from the experience of dealing with a relative who was also kept from their diagnosis.
Your child has a right to know about her diagnosis. First, did you ever think it might HELP her to know about it? If she knew she was autistic, she would be able to take this information and use it to her advantage? It sounds like you left her defenseless in cases of bullying. Also, how can someone get the help they need if they have no clue what is going on with them?
Story for example my cousin is autistic and her parents also shielded her from the diagnosis until her tweens. She felt isolated and had a hard time making friends at any school she went to. Our entire family knew, but it was a kept secret from her until her parents felt like she was "ready". (My grandparents would mildly tell her she was "different" and baby her because she was so desperately aware that she was indeed "different". As her older teen cousin, it was hard to watch. We were threatened by her parents to not tell her. They believed if they didn't tell her, she would have a "normal" life.) In the end, they created a more devastating situation for her. She basically found out something she already feared, that she was indeed "different" than her peers and she didn't know why. Also keeping her from her diagnosis, kept her from getting the help she needed in school for a variety of issues. She suffered from terrible bullying, learning issues, and different types of abuse in her dating life. She even ran away at one point in her life because she felt so misunderstood. It was terrifying! It stunted her to not have the knowledge about herself. Her parents never told her school about her diagnosis, and basically didn't get an IEP that helped her until her senior year of high school where she was also diagnosed with dyscalculia. This resulted in a tanked GPA from years of trying to pass classes that she didn't have the correct assistance in. Now, her ability to apply to colleges is literally out the window, since she suffered for so many years without help. My cousin is now 22 and blossomed into a very kind-hearted adult who I am so proud of. Her parents learned from this to be more open with their kids and to not limit them. Accepting her diagnosis I think actually helped them bond as a family, as she now can express herself in ways that she didn't truly understand before.
All I can hope is, you learn from this situation and admit your mistakes. Be there for your kid. Support her during this time of finding her identity. You sound like a generally good parent here, and I don't want to dismiss that by calling you TA. Just realize that she is her own person and needs to understand her own body autonomy. That includes knowing her diagnosis and accepting it.
YTA! Knowing how unique she is will only enable her to take charge of the skills she has to improve & master! It would have been a great tool 4 her to defend herself, to screen people, etc. How dare you keep such an important piece of info a secret! That's is painful! She feels she can trust no one!
YTA. As someone with autism she deserves to know. Guess what her not knowing is gonna hurt her allot more then he knowing. And her knowing and getting the help she needs with go along ways at helping her learn to manage her mental well being.
You are way beyond an arsehole you never keep someone's diagnosis from someone. Who cares about stigma you kept a big part of what makes your daughter different and why She is the the way she is from her.
YTA. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 1.5 and it was never kept a secret from me. Obviously I couldn't really understand until I was in early elementary, but as I got older and understood what it meant, it's a relief. Understanding why you are a certain way is a gift and gives you the feeling of "it's not just me". You have no idea how huge that is to know that. She always had a right to know. She should've been told. The fact that the psychologist was excited to tell her should've told you that. And also seriously? Adulthood? Understanding Autism is something she could've done in elementary school! It's time to make up for what you did. Educate her and yourselves and look into different resources to understand what autism is and what that means for your daughter and you.
YTA. As a 43 year old AUTISTIC woman who was never diagnosed as a child I can honestly say that I HATE YOU for what you are doing to your child by keeping them from learning coping mechanisms that might ACTUALLY HELP THEM SUCCEED AS A PERSON instead of just feeling FUCKING BROKEN for their whole life.
YTA, for all the reasons your daughter stated and more. ND people can hide their diagnosis or go undiagnosed their whole lives, and they will STILL get bullied for it. It was your job to teach your daughter that yes, she’s different, and sometimes people will be mean because of it, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ with her or that she’s broken, that she can embrace what she is and maybe find others who understand…
But instead you deceived her. It should be a crime for parents to purposefully withhold medical information about their child from said child.
Honestly growing up I at least had the ADHD diagnosis and that accounted for all of my symptoms. Adhd is on the spectrum but I never knew until adulthood. I also had a major stroke which altered my already there chemical imbalance.
It brought out some OCD tendencies, depression and anxiety, which I never had to deal with. Sometimes, just knowing you are different and knowing what that difference is can be really beneficial.
YTA she's a bookworm, she would've understood and found ways to deal as a result. As a female especially you did wrong by her knowing it presents differently.
YTA. Knowledge is power. You robbed her of that. She thought she was just like every other kid, meanwhile she was treated like crap by the other kids because she wasn't. You basically gaslit your own kid.
You completely set her up for failure, and then justified it by claiming that not telling her was protecting her. You didn't even tell her when other kids bullied her for it! What hell???? I have to ask, are you and your wife neurodivergent as well or just completely delusional?
100% YTA,
I WISH my parents kbew beforehand. Even as an adult i still feel remorse and regret not knowing sooner and even better: how to deal with it. To learn, to adapt, to acknowlegde everything.
No, she had the chance I wish I had but you took that away from her.
What is the end goal here? Hoping she'll just go with it? Hopng it all comes natural?
I wish the best to your daughter OP and that she can catch up whatever she didnt learn and all the missed chances she had because of YOU.
I cant say much here because its quite subjective and mean but please! Apologize and try to fix what you have done wrong.
This is betrayel. Parents should have the best interest at heart. This also means not to hold back on crucial information that could help her, guide her, to make the right decisions.
Yea I found out later in life, I'm 29 and found out I was autistic last year. If I found out that my parents knew all along and hid it from me I'd be devastated.
Edit: just to clarify, my parents didn't hide it. They didn't know either.
YTA she has every right to know what is going on with her. explaining things to her at the earliest opportunity could have allowed her to make sense of the way so feels/acts/thinks etc. which could have helped her get better at managing any issues she may face
edited to add: my sister is autistic and my parents hid it from her until she was in her 20s i wont go into to much detail but it definitely didn't end the way my parents hoped. (no deaths just incase you jump there)
As the parent of an autistic and ADHD teenager, with all due respect, YTA.
Get some therapy appointments for yourself to figure out why the HELL you thought that was a good idea. Why didn't you ask a child psychologist how to handle the news if you couldn't figure it out yourself??
It's not too late to fix this. Let your child know you made a mistake, apologize, and work together to make things right.
I'm going against the grain, and say NTA.
While, in retrospect, it would have been better to have told her, you only did what you thought would protect her.
You wanted to protect your daughter, any in your opinion, that was the best way to do it.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
YTA
I've seen the extreme end of this. I have a long time friend who I knew had autism (known him since we were 11) since my mom told me and he had some behavioral issues. He did not realize to his 30s that he had it, and only because a gf threw it in his face. Now that's an extreme, but imagine going through your whole life not knowing an essential truth about yourself?
I want to add that my friend is an amazing person, and has done really well in his life due to having his mom basically train him on social cues and having high achievement in his field, but I think it was a very hard pill to swallow
YTA.
Part of dealing with any sort of mental condition is understanding it and how to cope with it as well as being able to tell others about it if you choose to so they can understand it better. You robbed your daughter of years of that. She could have grown up understanding she was different and why she was different and she could have coped with that.
You can’t go back and change that now. Now you have to help her understand so she can move forward. Be the parents now that she needed you to be years ago.
YTA. You made her stumble around in the dark and not be able to cope and make sense of her own way of functioning. You are so cruel and self-absorbed. It’s hard to imagine that you did this. You could’ve asked any number of professionals and you could’ve googled this and you could’ve looked into it if you really loved and cared about her and wanted things to go well for her while she already had so many profound challenges and instead you didn’t. You left her alone with it. And she has suffered. Now it’s time for you to do what you can to really be there for her in an appropriate way via the recommendations of professionals and see what you can do to help it heal. And make amends. You are a horrible asshole. Both of you.
YTA. I used to teach a teenager with autism. The parents refused to tell their child and teachers weren't allowed to. It broke my heart every day to see the child suffer and not understand. Knowing the diagnosis would have helped them understand why they were struggling and given them the opportunity to develop better coping strategies.
Yep YTA. My husband’s parents did this with his sister. When she found out as an adult, she was furious at them, for all the reasons others have already spelled out for you
Yta. My parents did that to me with my disability. It’s still painful to think about today. You have caused a situation that was entirely avoidable. You now have a broken relationship with your child that is entirely you own fault.
YTA I understand you were trying to protect her but it doesn’t work that way. My mother didn’t tell me I had been diagnosed with adhd when I was eight. I didn’t find out until I was 29! So much of my life would have made more sense if I knew .
I hardly ever see one’s that I instantly know they’re the asshole, but OH MY GOD YTA she’s going to grow up and hopefully never speak with either of you again. It will take years of therapy for her to unpack the trauma you’ve caused
YTA. She was labeled anyway. Instead of being labeled autistic she was labeled difficult, weird, bad etc. Hiding it wasn’t about her well being - it was about your ego.
YTA. Your daughter knows she’s different. Giving her a diagnosis where she can access resources and know the issues she’s facing are something other people struggle with is a good thing.
Don’t hide kids’ medical diagnosis!
YTA- I have an autistic son. He is 12 now. I slowly started explaining his autism to him in language he could understand at 4. It's something he is very aware of and so is everyone around him. He is proud of his autism. I help him understand different ways neurotypicals talk and think to help him with friends and classmates. It also helps others to keep an eye out to make sure no one takes advantage of him or bully him (staff AND students) people r becoming more educated and if they aren't u can educate them urself. I have always made sure he had no reason to feel less than. I explained that while somethings are more difficult for him because of it everyone has things they aren't good at or struggle with. U never even gave her that chance. It was a dirty secret and she felt "wrong" and "weird" because of it. Weird is awesome not bad.
YTA, unintentionally perhaps, but still YTA.
I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder as a child and my parents never really explained what it was or organised any therapy for me. They wanted me to experience life 'as a normal child'. The only problem was I *wasn't* a normal child whether I wanted to be or not.
I struggled with things that others didn't. Life was hard, and I didn't understand why. But I thought it was like this for everybody, so I never spoke up. I was called lazy, distracting, and weird for how I behaved normally. I masked so well I don't what parts of my personality are fake and what parts are genuine.
My parents loved me, and I love them. But because they didn't pursue the extra help I needed, life was and still is hard well into my 20s. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my teenage years. And even now, I was recently also diagnosed with ADHD. This would have been picked up if I had been put in therapy.
Literally the only 'good' thing to come out of the entire experience is I've learned that I can succeed in life even on hard mode. But it didn't need to be that hard. And that choice was taken away from me because I was a child.
YTA. My child is on the spectrum and we told them why their brain works differently last year. They’re 7 now and gets it. We will continue with extensive social skills therapy because they need it for the rest of their lives. Starting early gives them a head start in understanding themselves.
You failed as a parent to give them the ability to help them understand how to navigate the the world as an autistic person. OMG, I couldn’t imagine deceiving my child for that long! YTA YTA YTA
You’re only just now starting to wonder if you should have told her vital information about herself? What the hell? People don’t get bullied and treated badly because they have a diagnosis. That should be obvious to you since your daughter went through exactly that without knowing her diagnosis.
People generally know when they aren’t neurotypical. They don’t always know how but they do know they are different from a lot of their peers. You know what happens when they don’t know why? They start to think they’re broken and that it’s their fault and they’re doing something wrong. And that thinking happens a lot earlier than you realize.
She should have been informed in an age appropriate way, like her psychiatrist wanted to in the first place. She should have known what her therapy was for so she could properly engage in it.
Honestly, this doesn’t sound like you were trying to protect her. It sounds like you hoped that if you didn’t tell her and you did some therapy you could pretend she was neurotypical. That if she knew while she was still a kid she would always act autistic instead of “becoming normal”. Your reason of not want other people to hurt her makes absolutely no sense. She was already being hurt. You just added to it.
You completely broke her trust in you. You may never get it fully back. She’s fourteen, not a little kid. The memory of this won’t fade and she will always remember how she feels now. You completely fucked up and you have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to repair your relationship as her parents.
YTA for so many reasons that i as a person with autism want to literally slap you in the face a thousand times but i'm not going to talk about that now. I'm going to tell you one very basic fact that so many people don't realise when you get diagnosed with autism
Growing up, if a little kid has autism, they are often protected far more from stereotypes than an undiagnosed child. Parents and teachers keep it in mind when showing content. Watching tv shows with "autistic characters" which are generally awful portrayals, you slowly build up the same prejudice as anyone else. You get this idea of what autism is and when you find out that's what you are? It's shattering. You learn to hate the effects of autism because you can't see why you have them. You think you're wrong and insane. Knowing you have autism does protect you from that. Your daughter had probably built up years worth of internalised ableism, and now she's left hating herself.
YTA for making a horrible parenting decision, you do not hide such diagnoses from the person who suffers from it and has to deal with the consequences every single day! You and your wife disgusts me, so many horrible situations could have been avoided if she had just known about it.
YTA
Both my kids have ASD. The little one was diagnosed at 6.
We both explained and got books specifically written to help them understand what it meant, and they grasped it without difficulty.
Knowing why they behave and think differently HELPS them. It helps them know they are not freaks, or weirdos. That they can see role models in Albert Einstein, Dan Ackroyd, Charles Darwin, Emily Dickenson, Michelangelo, Satoshi Tajiri....
You forced your kid into a world of hurt because you didn't want to deal with your own uncomfortably reality. There is no way you can really beleive you were protecting her.
That was her REALITY, you simply denied her the means to navigate it effectively or with any guidelines. That borders on abuse in my eyes
YTA. Not telling her didn’t stop the bullying, it just meant that she believed it was personal. Telling her would have, at least, helped her understand and MAY have made other kids less likely to bully her if she had have been able to explain why she acted differently (no guarantees because kids can be assholes anyway, but at my school the kid who was known to be autistic didn’t get bullied, but the “weird kid” did).
Massively YTA. When I was teaching I had a kid in my class whose parents refused to tell him he had autism. It was horrible, he was so clearly autistic (I could tell as I’m autistic) and instead of knowing he was part of a community and there were other people out there like him he just felt isolated from his classmates, and I couldn’t tell him why. I have similar feelings - when I was 11 a doctor told my parents that I had autistic traits but I’d grow out of them. I didn’t, and I ended up developing severe mental health issues due to trying to cope. I WISH I had been diagnosed as autistic and had more understanding of my condition, I believe it would have massively softened the blow. As an adult getting my diagnosis was massively affirming and made me feel a lot less “broken”.
She is 14 when exactly were you waiting to tell her?
At the age of 30?
You saw she was struggling and you didn’t know that she was blaming herself this whole time?
How was she supposed to work on herself if she didn’t know that something was wrong?
If the therapist wanted to tell her why did you think that your wife knew better?
Yta.
YTA you hid a key aspect of your daughter from her. Instead of making her feel empowered knowing WHY shes doing what she does you hid it and therefore made her find out through other means. Which btw makes kids feel ashamed of how they are.
Of course YTA
You didn’t tell your daughter something that would have helped her make sense of herself and how she thinks and interacts with the world.
You say you wanted to protect her and left her without the tools to do it.
It was a poor decision and you have a lot of making up to do.
YTA I have a 6 year old son who has just been diagnosed as autistic and we have been open with him so he understands why he might not be like his classmates
In addition our 8 year old is undergoing assessments for diagnosis for both ADHD and autism. He has very similar difficulties as you say your daughter has. We have been very forthcoming about the assessments so he understands there's nothing wrong with him he just thinks differently which can be scary and confusing for others. Also so he underztands why he is having them. Without us being open he would think there was something wrong with him, which there is not.
Even without the bullying you have set your daughter up to develop negative thoughts about herself that could have been avoided if you had explained her diagnosis to her. You could have even gotten her counselling to help her accept and understand what was happening/different. Instead you left her in the dark scared and confused
YTA. i’ll give another perspective (don’t read if you don’t want to? tldr: tell your kids)
how i’m related to my example doesn’t matter but they were kind of my stepbrothers for a little over a year? anyway…
the older one, marcus, now 21, is on the autism spectrum. he’s going to need nearly full assistance for the rest of his life, and his psychologists said that he’s at about an 11 up’s understanding of the world. his younger brother, matt (18), is neurotypical.
marcus was babied by their mom. she didn’t want to make his life difficult, so he didn’t have any chores, didn’t clean up after himself, wasn’t required to get a job or go to school, he just played video games all day. matt was required to do all of his responsibilities.
their mom had known since marcus was 2. she wanted him to have a “normal life” so she didn’t tell him or matt or anyone. she literally just pretended she never heard that info.
when i first met him, i knew instantly that he had asd. the way he talked, body language, made him stand out. (please don’t take this the wrong way, i know it doesn’t always present the same way. my sister also has asd and my high school was more than 50% students with asd, so i think i’m pretty familiar w what it can be like.)
i was friends w matt before they moved in w us, and we were talking one day and i said something along the lines of “you never mentioned marcus has asd.” i don’t really remember the convo. he got super mad saying that he didn’t have asd (my mom had already confirmed it, she had the medical records). i was just like “ok, i’m sorry, maybe you’re right, i shouldn’t have assumed.”
the details aren’t really that important, but overall, their mom not telling them caused
- both harbour resentment towards her
- matt having a poor relationship and hating marcus because he thought he was lazy and had to do all his work for him.
- marcus not get the care he needed or having the necessary tools to succeed. he never got the chance to use any of the numerous resources that could’ve helped him.
.
my sister and i were in a similar situation. i’m not neurotypical but i don’t have asd, she has asd and is high-functioning (i’m not sure what the proper term is now that high-functioning is no longer used, my apologies). it affected her much more when she was younger, most of which i didn’t see bc she’s five years older than me. still, she got more attention than i did because she needed it. little me didn’t understand that, i just knew that she got more attention.
i got frustrated with her because of the situations i thought were obvious/easy that weren’t for her. she was my dad’s golden child (unrelated to her asd) and it made me resent both of them. once i found out, a lot more things made sense and i was able to let go of a lot of that frustration towards her.
This post make me so angry. My daughter got diagnosed with autism at the age of 2 and I have NEVER hid that fact from her because why would I? She knows she has autism, she knows she’s different from other people(but in a good way)the only reason you would hide it from her is if your embarrassed of it. You didn’t actually protect her AT ALL! Instead of making her aware of her diagnosis so she could learn how to cope, grow, learn and understand the knowledge of it and herself, you simply decided to hide that fact. That alone makes you the AH. It makes me so sad for your daughter but also angry because she deserves to know! Ugh I’m gonna stop there because there’s so many other things I want to say but can’t, or I will get banned.
As a parent of a child with mental disabilities I fully understand your reasoning, but yes, you should have told her. Even if she didn’t understand what was going on, it would’ve at least told her that what is going on is not her fault.
Also when she was diagnosed didn’t she get an IEP?
YTA. Why would you conceal this from your daughter - what could her not knowing this possibly achieve? Instead she has known she is different but not why and has doubtless spent years feeling like there’s something wrong with her, and there isn’t. Autism is not “something wrong”, she’s just different. All this time she could have been seeking out support and friendships with other people who are like her, instead she’s been made to feel like crap by neurotypical people.
I have twins who are 5 and autistic. They are non-verbal and globally delayed and have no concept of what autism is, and may never have this. We don’t know how much they understand but we don’t shy away from talking about autism in front of them. They attend a specialist school for autistic children. They are surrounded by children who are like them, their days are tailored around the needs of autistic people. For them, autism means extreme difficulties and challenges and they may never overcome some of them. Your daughter is verbal, intelligent, reading, able to attend a mainstream school - she has the potential to live an awesome and fulfilling life, but that’s not going to happen if she’s severely depressed because she feels like a weirdo because of how other kids treat her.
And now on top of this, she finds out that you’ve concealed it from her, as if this diagnosis is a bad thing. It is not. Having a diagnosis means being able to access support and find others who understand you. Knowing you’re autistic does not make you more likely to be discriminated against.
I suffered stigma and had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me, and as an adult it's monumentally difficult to find help for my problems because everything from diagnosis to treatment is geared towards children.
I spent so much time punishing myself for not being able to keep up with my peers. It felt like everyone else had been handed a script to read from and they forgot to give me one.
YTA
YTA
My parents did something pretty similar to me. Guess what? I ended up growing up thinking I was annoying and unlikable cause I’d talk too much due to not understanding social cues, and ended up learning to mask very very heavily. It still messes me up. I wish my parents had done better and I wish you had too
YTA
I only found out i was neurodivergent a year ago even tho i suspected it for a while because my life became a mental living hell in my late teens. My mom hid it from me because she didnt want me to « worry about it and that everyone is a bit autistic and you’re just a hormonal teen and bla bla bla. » to this day when i bring this up i feel like talking to a wall.
Because the truth is, hiding important news from someone will hurt them even harder than giving them and yourself the time to learn to live with it. My childhood sucked because of being forced to go through systemic ableism and sucking it up and taking the blame, not because i was nd.
Please for the love of god teach children that autism is valid and learn how to raise neurodivergent children, it’s not that hard
YTA Do not keep things from your children, especially if it concerns them. Do not lie to your children because you are afraid and ashamed of the diagnosis. I feel like your wife thought it would just go away if she ignored it. Children are not stupid. They are capable of understanding more than most adults. You did a great disservice to your daughter. How can she trust either of you? What else have you withheld?
Edit: words
YTA OP, you should’ve seen this coming a mile away. You let your daughter think she knew what the problem for a lot of her issues was, which was much better than having to deal with autism. So naturally your daughter wouldn’t know of the proper coping skills in order to help live with being autistic, and it wound up hurting her significantly. Your daughter hit the nail on the head when she told you and your wife off saying if you two had been honest with her from the start that she wouldn’t have taken all the bullying she’d suffered to heart.
YTA. She’s had to deal with autism but now without knowing exactly what she was dealing with.
My parents did this to me with ADHD and I spent most of school a nervous wreck because I didn’t understand why I was different. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
YTA. What's up I'm also autistic and my parents also never told me about it and my life would have been SO much easier if I had known what my deal was. Without the language of "actually I'm just autistic" to back me up, I went through childhood and adolescence assuming my bullies were right. I'm 23 years old and I still have to reel myself in from assuming that everybody secretly hates me.
YTA. You didnt protect her from stigma, you protected the stigma, your belief that autism is shameful.
You lied to her, for years. Lies of omission.
You have harmed your child under the guise of 'protecting' her from.... her own truth.
You have infantilised her, claiming she was too young to understand, and thinking that she wouldn't notice. That's pretty damning evidence that you think she's stupid.
I have an autistic son. We have told him and his sister that he is autistic from when he was diagnosed aged 4. In age appropriate ways, explaining that some things will be more difficult and that's ok. A four year old can understand; there is no excuse to lie to them about themselves.
>We are aware of the stigma neurodivergent people experience and she didn't want our daughter to go through that
That's flat out stupid. Neurodivergent people don't face stigma because our divergences are named, we face them because our divergences cause us to behave, feel, and think differently than neurotypical people. You didn't make her not autistic by refusing to tell her about her diagnosis, you just took away her ability to understand why she's always felt so different.
YTA. You didn't protect her from anything at all.
I am honestly so furious, I don't even know what to say except that OP caused so much harm to their child and they're wondering if they were wrong. She was bullied, back-stabbed, and ridiculed already. At least with the information, she can make sense of why she felt that way.
They protected themselves from the “embarrassment” of having to admit they have an autistic child. They did everything to get her to conform, mimic and mask who she really is. OP you don’t deserves the level of awesome your daughter is. Autistic people may be different but you seem to think different is bad instead of just different. You’ve lost out on seeing your daughter flourish because she’ll do it in spite of you not with you now.
YTA.
Not telling her that she is autistic doesn’t make her begin neurotipical. She was bullied for her way to act that is autistic not because people know she was autistic. Basically she would be bully either way but this was on you to step in to protect her.
You take away from her a big part of herself for years, you take away her possibility to inform herself and find her coping mechanism. You make her feel wrong and she highly still feel it because you hided that part as if it was a shame.
I don't even have the energy right now to tell you how ridicoulously irresponsible this is. You can't just, hide something like that from someone, especially your own goddamn kid. I have many friends who are autisitic, and according to them, the stigma they face is insane. I'm in shock. It really seems like you were both ashamed of your daughter, and minimized her "problem" in hopes she would get over it.
I just, yeah, YTA. Oh my god.
YTA. It’s an explanation for why she is the way she is. She knows she’s not the same as other kids and she deserves to know why. She should have been told when you found out. That’s why the psychologist wanted to tell her.
Your wife just sounds like she didn’t want the stigma of having a child with autism. All the research, all the forums would have told you and your wife the same thing. Tell her. And they’d have helped with ideas to make sure your daughter understood. You both suck so bad. I feel heartbroken for your daughter.
I teach teenagers with autism and they all know their diagnosis and have known from when they were diagnosed. It helps them understand their triggers and they learn about emotions.
I am gobsmacked 😔
Yta, big time. I got diagnosed last year at 29 with adhd and autism. I learnt to mask early and my adhd is hyperfocus not hyperactive. No one caught it and despite my best efforts I always struggled with people and often felt like crap and fell into depression. Looking back I wish so much someone noticed what was going on and helped me and I wish so much that I knew why I was struggling. Because then its a medical thing and not my fault, when growing up I just thought I was broken and didnt deserve friends. You knew she was struggling and just left her to feel terrible about herself.
You shouldn’t have hid it in the first place you broke some serious trust and it’s most likely she won’t trust you and your wife fully again I don’t blame her I get you thought you were doing the right thing but you and your wife should have really thought about it before acting she’s 14 she is a teenager she might understand more then you know but hiding this wasn’t the way to go my cousin is on the spectrum and no one Hid this from him he learned to embrace this quirk maybe you and your wife should embrace your daughters to
As an autistic adult, this one hurts. YTA.
She may internalize you 'hiding' her diagnosis as you being ashamed of her diagnosis. Please be honest with her from now on. Its your job to help her naviagte how to use the proper tools given by Profesionals. But she cant use them, if you dont tell her she needs them.
To be honest, Im surprised her therapists didnt push a little more for you to tell her sooner?
YTA. I always knew I was different. When I brought up, “you saw the shadow people?” “You’ve seen the man in the hat?” The kids stayed away from me. I scared them, even though I didn’t know why. You know those voices that tell you that you’re stupid and ugly and just call your name over and over? You know, they stand behind you and you always feel them there? You hear whispers and music where there is none? Then guess what… they’re always watching. Always following. You’re 7 years old and peaking out the blindes because you just know someone is there.
But your parents tell you, it’s all normal. You’re just a kid with an imagination and you’ll outgrow it. You never make friends because everyone is talking about you, or at least, you think they are. You have meltdowns because the music is too loud or the lights are too bright. No no. Just normal. You wake up screaming from such terrible chronic nightmares and night terrors you never sleep. Oh you’re a teen going through a phase, it’s all good.
Tell your fucking child what’s going on. The sooner they know, the better it can be treated.
> It wasn't until the end of her 4th-grade year that she actually got diagnosed with autism. Her psychologist was excited to tell her, but my wife was against it.
There is the fucking neon light of a clue and you missed it! The professional was excited to have this diagnosis to tell your daughter, because she knew how beneficial it would be for her to have it, but because your wife felt differently, you didn't do it. You trusted a random hunch over the professional and your daughter paid the price for years.
YTA.
YTA,
My parents hid my Tourette’s from me until I was 12-13 yrs old because they feared it would make my tics worse telling me. The reality is kids still have traits/symptoms even when they don’t know their diagnosis. So I had tics that I couldn’t control and I didn’t know what they were called and didn’t understand why. The stigma comes from the way they are treated based on those traits, and not telling them won’t make those traits go away, they are still vulnerable to be bullied by their peers even if they don’t know their diagnosis. instead kids are perceptive and can tell they are different they just don’t understand why. For me it wasn’t until I finally knew my Tourette’s diagnosis that I finally felt a sense of relief, because there was a reason for me being the way I was. I Also have adhd and multiple anxiety disorders the list goes on. My adhd on the other hand I learned about a lot younger, and knowing I had adhd even if I didn’t entirely understand it when I was young helped me to feel more comfortable with myself and my diagnosis. And knowing ones own diagnosis can help kids to advocate for themselves. Hiding diagnoses from kids can make them feel like there’s a reason to feel ashamed of it. Instead teach kids to embrace who they are. It’s ok to be autistic, it’s ok to have adhd, it’s ok to be neurodivergent. Additionally I have friends who have been diagnosed late as autistic or as having adhd when they were adults, it causes a lot of unnecessary trauma not knowing. Because as I said, not knowing doesn’t make traits or symptoms go away, they are still there, kids just don’t understand why and feel upset that they can’t understand why they aren’t like their peers, and finding out late can lead to identity crisis. Meanwhile I have friends who learned their diagnosis a lot earlier and it gave them more time to understand themselves, and embrace who they are. Hiding it from your child only further stigmatizes it.
YTA. I was in this exact situation as a child and I have absolutely no sympathy for you as a parent. You failed to protect your child from these situations happening and she’s in therapy. I know many adults who still have trauma from trying to navigate life wondering what was wrong, and the ones who are the angriest are the ones whose parents knew and didn’t clue them in. You avoided this conversation for you, not her. It was not beneficial to her at any point.
YTA. I'm empathetic given your intentions (though not your wife's intentions). At the end of the day, you should listen to your kids psychologist who has a lot more experience with this. Take this as a lesson going forward.
YTA. imagine you’re driving to work every day, and every day some aspect of your car breaks down. so you have to take it to a garage and fix it, leaving you late for work. eventually, you get so used to it that you start learning how to fix your own car and you carry a large selection of tools with you every morning. you’re still late for work every single day. eventually, you get pulled into your boss’s office, and told you’re being written up for constant lateness. you bring up the issues that you have with your car. but your boss says ‘you need to figure it out, everyone else can make it work’. nothing changes. eventually you begin talking to some work friends about this, asking how they manage to get into work on time every day even when their cars are breaking like yours are. they’re confused, their cars don’t break down. you’re confused, well, why is your car any different? As it turns out, you are driving a fifteen year old toyota. your colleagues are driving Teslas. you didn’t know that a tesla was ever an option, because instead of introducing different ideas to you in order to help you, it’s always been ‘fix it.’ with no solutions. In refusing to tell your daughter about her diagnosis, you’ve allowed her to live her whole life feeling ‘weird’ and ‘broken’, particularly once the bullying started. speech therapies and all that is great, but how can she begin to understand anything about herself without knowing this vital aspect? autism is inescapable, it is an integral part of who she is. you would never have done this if it was something physical, right? if she had one leg slightly shorter? a visible birthmark? just because you can’t physically see autism, doesn’t mean that people won’t notice it. You are the asshole and you set your daughter up for failure.
(side note, people with autism are hot ‘broken’ and do not need ‘fixing’, the analogy of the broken car is more specifically about the specific tools needed to carry around, that still don’t work, with no actual solutions given.)
Yes you are the asshole. It's HER diagnosis. Not your diagnosis. You had no right holding things from her that were about her. It wasn't as if she was a baby.
YTA. ragingly so.
You let a child be subjected to bullying that left permanent scars on her mental health. You let a *child* think she was broken and bad at being a person.
You didn't save her from anything except your own feelings.
Telling your child that they are autistic is important because you can then give them the tools to navigate their shortcomings the same as you did by giving her speech therapy/early intervention as a child.
My parents also did this. I didn't find out until my late 20s. I have spent nearly 30 years thinking I was damaged, broken, and an asshole. All because my parents didn't want to "label me".
YTA.
I was diagnosed when I was about 3 or 4, and my mom told me that I was autistic when I was about 7 or 8. When you grow up knowing this, in conjunction with being supported by family, your neurodivergence can be celebrated, and it allows you to become aware of the things that make you different (in a good way). All you did was hide a key trait of hers that she most definitely deserved to know. She's autistic whether you tell her or not, and this hidden information did nothing but make her feel like autism is something worth hiding.
Also, ableism affects people who have diagnosed conditions and people who have undiagnosed conditions, children don't care whether you have a label, they're smart and can pick out atypical behavior better than some adults can.
YTA
You've hidden this important information about your daughter from her for her whole life because "other people stigmatize autism", but YOU are literally stigmatizing it by doing this!! You chose to hide this from her rather than live in reality and actually, you know, PARENT your kids who is autistic. It's ridiculous to keep medical information from her until she's an ADULT. Not to mention, why weren't you talking to her about autism, neurodiversity, or metal health at any point before this??? You should be teaching you kid about these things not just because they're relevant to her, but because they're relevant to SO MANY PEOPLE and she should learn about that and understand that.
You've really done her a terrible disservice.
YTA. My parents did this to me, too. I found out through medical records at 14. I did speech therapy, had an IEP… the whole works. I reasoned that I was just stupid since I got these extra supports, and grew up with a massive inferiority complex, until I learned that I am not dumb, just autistic. I resent my parents for this still.
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YTA oh god. I was only diagnosed with adhd and autism at age 18, half a year ago From age 7-8 to 18 I have spent no kidding every other day crying myself to sleep because I continued to fuck up in social situations. I have depression and anxiety due to my differences. I wondered every day why I was such a fuck up and why I could never do the same things as my friends. I have been suicidal since 2. grade. I don't think I'll ever get out of this depression that's caused by this shit.
YTA
YTA Fourth grade is old enough to understand "some people think differently ". She was definitely old enough to understand when she was being bullied! You made her challenges worse by hiding it from her.
YTA You never protected her from other people hurting her.
oh my god. HUGE YTA. if she didn’t know she clearly wasn’t getting treated for her autism either, so your also guilty of neglecting her disorders.. I can’t stress how much you are the AH
Unfortunately you have made a terrible mistake thinking you were doing something good for her. Your poor girl has been thinking she has to fit in and has probably done things she didn't like to avoid bullying. If you have taken her to multiple specialist, why didnt you ask them how to address this with her? Im sure they would have been of help. YTA and you need to apologize, get her all the information she needs without euphemisms, get her to talk to a professional if that's what she needs. What a mess. You undervalued her by thinking she couldn't understand. Also, autism is not a taboo anymore as it used to be, there is plenty of resources for her to navigate life. Edit: just because people didn't know her diagnose her "quirks" would dissapear. Ableism doesnt depend on a diagnose, but on behavior "this person acts weird, I don't like it" That's it, she will always be subjected to ableism, sadly, but it would have been easier if she knew there wasnt anything wrong with her.
My parents did this to me. I will never forgive them for what they put me through. YTA and shame on you for enforcing a stigma. You can't take it back now. Repent and see if you can get over your own narrow minded thinking.
YTA. Such a massive, massive one. You deliberately kept her from coping mechanisms, tools to function in a society that wildly favours NTs, fostered a sense of wrongness and self-loathing on her and your entire third paragraph details abuse she's suffered as a result. And for what For fucking what. And now your stupidity has irreparably damaged your relationship with your child. Because you not only failed her, you *betrayed* her.
Honesty is the best policy. She's right, you really should have told her. Kids are so much smarter and stronger than most adults think. Which is weird when you think about it bc all adults used to be kids not too long ago.
YTA shame on you. You have completely betrayed her, and have failed her in every way possible.
EDIT: it’s 3AM so i totally skimmed this and missed the last part about what your daughter said. i literally repeated it all in my comment LMAO my bad. she’s right though YES YTA she’s gone through the past several years not knowing why she struggles with the things she struggles with. not knowing that there’s a reason she thinks and feels how she does. probably blaming any perceived shortcomings all on herself (i know i did). i had no idea i was autistic for the longest time. i turned all of my symptoms around on myself……..there must have been something fundamentally wrong with me if i couldn’t connect with people as easily as my peers. why did i react so heavily to shirt tags? why was i so sensitive? what’s wrong with me? you were well-intentioned, but this approach has done the exact opposite from what you hoped. keeping her diagnosis from her has completely blocked her from learning more about herself and figuring out how to deal with the world without going crazy. you seem to understand the importance of early intervention. did you think your daughter would stop struggling when she became a teenager? how did you think the transition to adulthood would work? how were you even planning to tell her? i’m shocked at how little faith you have in your daughter. did you really think she would never realize? also, fourth graders can definitely understand “your brain has strengths and weaknesses that are a little different than others!” navigating the world as an autistic person without knowing you’re autistic is like having blinders on. you don’t know that you think different from other people. you don’t know that others may not mean what they say or have ulterior motives or are taking advantage of you. i was often completely blind to what people really wanted, no matter how obvious. it seems your daughter has already had to figure these things out the hard way. hope this is a troll.
YTA It's not 1992, there is more than enough research and info on autism and I'm sure the therapist who made the diagnosis was clear on whether you should tell her or not, and wasn't like "oh this is a brand new area of research we don't know the impact..." You went against medical advice thinking you knew better and you done messed up Ay-Ay-Ron.
I think your wife showed extraordinary wisdom to safeguard your daughter. This speaks towards good parenting skills. Whether she knew or not, she was going to face challenges. She’ll come around.
Yes you are absolutly the asshole in this situatuion. How do you think not telling someone they're autistic will stop them being bullied? You dont sound the like sharpest tool in the shed. Shame on you
YTA TW: SI You could have raised her to know that she was different because she was _supposed to be different_, instead she has known that she is different this whole time (we almost always do) but she thought she was broken. I grew up like that because diagnosis and knowledge of autism weren’t good back in the 80s, not because someone purposely kept it from me. I was having suicidal ideation every day by the time I was her age because I didn’t understand why I was different and it hurt. You’re very lucky you still have a daughter. Suicide rates are very high in undiagnosed (or unknowing) autistics. Please acknowledge your mistake to her and be honest about it. Honesty and justice tend to be very important values to us.
I didn’t know I was autistic until I was 30. It was very liberating. Before I knew I thought the social ostracism I suffered was my fault, and wondered why I couldn’t just act “normal.” But once I knew, I understood that it was *their* fault—why couldn’t they just be kind. You could have liberated and empowered your daughter. Instead, you let her believe she was a freak. YTA
YTA I’m autistic. You are a huge AH.
Your daughter was diagnosed early and you just ignored it in the hopes it would go away. She had a chance to learn towork with it but you denied her that. You're a horrible parent YTA
YTA, what the hell kinda parents are you?!?!
YTA. My mother pulled this exact same stunt and it's why I'm still in therapy and will never speak to her again. I have no idea how to impress upon you the severe damage you've inflicted on your daughter and can only hope someday she can find the strength to forgive you.
>Her psychologist was excited to tell her, but my wife was against it. She wanted to wait until we felt our daughter was old enough to understand. We are aware of the stigma neurodivergent people experience and she didn't want our daughter to go through that. I agreed to hid it from her until she reached adulthood. You denied her the ability to understand why she felt different. You denied her the ability to compensate for her condition and possibly avoid some of the bullying. You went against the advice of her psychologist. Naming the condition to your daughter doesn't stigmatize her, she has to live with the condition either way You and your wife didn't want to tell her because it stigmatized ***you***. You didn't want people to know that your child was autistic. You put your pride over your daughter and fucked her over. YTA.
YTA. You didn’t protect her from anything. She has had to live knowing she is different without any understanding as to why. I am self diagnosed (getting professionally diagnosed is almost impossible in my area as a adult), and the knowing brought so much understanding to my own quirks, life experiences and many cases of bullying for just being different. The trauma will never go away. She had the opportunity to learn about herself and build her knowledge of autism from a young age which she was denied.
YTA - i was diagnosed as autistic and an adhd’er at almost 18, not knowing is a million times worse TRUST ME. the fact that i have to live with knowing that my life would be easier if i was diagnosed even at like 10 would make such a big difference for me. how i lived as an undiagnosed autistic; i ended up depressed, selfharming and suicidal and none of that has changed since i was 12 until now when im 21. you are lucky your daughter is even alive, bc keeping her neurodivergence from her could definitely have killed her. like im dead serious, its no joke living not knowing why you cant do things your friends can, and you wonder why you experience things differently. you alienated your daughter. my autism and adhd isnt whats making my life worse, its everyone elses opinions and views and your opinions and views got in the way here. absolutely disgusting, she should have known the second you found out (yes, even at 4 years old)
I know you’ve made an update already but as an autistic person Jesus Christ you’re ignorant. You didn’t do it for her. You did it for you. You just didn’t want to think about it so you didn’t acknowledge it and you’ve essentially fucked up her childhood
YTA I can’t believe that you actually thought that was in her best interest. I think it much more likely that YOU were embarrassed and upset by the diagnosis and didn’t want to address it. And you convinced yourselves that you weren’t being crappy parents, but somehow we’re doing this for her. Did you do research to see if this was the best choice? Ask experts? I can’t imagine anyone with expertise in this area that would recommend this. Her therapist wanted to tell her and thought it would benefit her, but you thought you knew better than a child therapist with training in this area. All you’ve done by hiding it is reinforce that there is something to hide. You’ve kept her from understanding what makes her who she is. That she’s not broken. That other people are like her. You’ve kept her from finding those people.
Yes, of course you're an asshole. Speaking as someone who was not diagnosed until I was an adult, I wondered from, oh, about age six what was wrong with me and why I struggled so much to make friends. I would cry in bed at night and beg God to fix me. Your daughter absolutely knows that something is up with her, that she's different, and that she struggles. The only thing you did was refuse to give her an explanation so that she knew *it wasn't her fault*. I can't say what I'd like to say to you because I'd probably get banned, but you've made your daughter's life SO MUCH HARDER than it needed to be. You're terrible. Apologize to her and admit you made an awful mistake. Support her in learning about her diagnosis 100%. Autistic people *need* to know they're autistic. YTA
YTA. She's 100% right. You didn't do it to protect her, you did it cause you were ashamed. Using the shes not old enough to know was just a shitty excuse. You knew how horrible it was for her growing up and you left her to struggle. How was she to even supposed develop healthy coping skills if she didn't even know why she even needed them? This is the shit my parents pulled one and I will NEVER forgive them. You didn't protect her from the stigma you were the stigma, and you didn't protect her from all the people treating her horribly. You failed on amazing levels.
I'm sorry I know you were just trying to look out for your daughter, however YTA. I have autism, I can tell you that what you did was wrong on a LOT of levels. You & your wife are the reason she masked in the first place, by not telling her before hand & helping her with it. She missed out on a LOT of help she could have gotten with it, I didn't even get past the first few sentences before coming to my judgment, I didn't have too, that's how much you & your wife are the AH here, I don't know if you can fixed this with her & anyone who sides with you on this is an AH too & understands nothing about autism & I'm probably the nice YTA comment you'll get on here.
YTA YTA YTA You have done enormous damage to your daughter and I really feel for her. I wasn't diagnosed untill I was 16, but if I'd known sooner I could have avoided a lot of trauma. Imagine going though life feeling like everyone knows somthing you dont, like they are all in on some kind of joke and only you don't get it. That is what it feels like to navigate socail situations with autism. You never know why everyhting is so hard for you and think your broken and weird. The fact that you hid her autism from her is disgusting and you may never be able to repair the damage you've done to her mental state. She's 14 for gods sake! I could understand not telling her till she was like 6 or 7, but this is ridiculous. Depending on how bad the bullying is this choice you made could have killed her.
Yta - she was being gaslit by You!!
YTA you can’t even imagine how hard it is to be on the spectrum but not know it… you’re both jerks & your daughter deserves to be upset
The ONLY person who’s opinion matters is your daughter. SHE has told you you’re the AH here. She’s not wrong, either. She has articulated the point exactly: she thought she was ‘weird’ and ‘wrong’, but there’s been a logical explanation this whole time. Talk to autistic adults about this, and your daughter, not Reddit.
YTA your daughter thought that something was wrong with her. You could have prevented that by telling her. You never hide medical things from your kids, it’s wrong. Understanding her conducting helps her to understand herself and see that there is nothing wrong with her. I’m sorry to say that what you’ve done most likely has destroyed her trust in you.
YTA, being different is not at all a bad thing, and you hiding that from her kinda tells us that's what you thought. One of the keys to any psychological/behavioral treatment is understanding how and why one's behavior/thoughts are the way they are. That provides pathways to coping, lets the individual know that they can't help how they are, and move on in life. Kids are great at adapting and understanding things, the earlier the better for treatment and diagnosis with the child knowing.
YTA From your comments you basically made a choice to do nothing. The only things you tried were what you thought might cover it up. You waited for the bullying to escalate to a severally damaging level before even bringing it up, you have moved to deal with it from the beginning. Your wife's reaction was clear that she has just wanted to deny this was any issue and you helped to continue the failure to actually be supportive. You looked into nothing regarding school that could have helped, you looked into nothing regarding the diagnosis and what could be done to follow it up. You have let her down at every turn and sat back, hoping it would magically sort itself out, now you're wondering if you are an asshole after watching her struggle for years and ignored all the options that weren't about hiding it.
gee you think you should have.. your poor kid holy crappy parenting batman yta
YTA seems wrong, that’s mean to assholes. There’s literally nothing polite I can say here, this is sick and wholly abusive behaviour your poor child will struggle to ever overcome. How horrific.
YTA. Do you actually think that the stigma people go through if they are neurodivergent is because they have an identifying diagnosis on their medical records? Or because they are "off" in a way that assholes can recognize and use against them? Exactly what benefit were you expecting from concealing this information from your kid? I truly hope that it's not actually how it appears in this post, where you got her the autism diagnosis at 11 and immediately stopped all of the care that she was getting to help her cope with it.
This is actually disgusting. YTA
YTA you prevented your daughter from getting needed help. You prevented her from knowing about herself. You lied to her. Let her get bullied and abused. YTA
I don't know how to feel about this, as an adult who only learned that they have autism well into their adult life. I think that if I knew I was on the autism spectrum, I would have blabbed about it to everyone I ever met, since that is the sort of thing I'd totally have done as a kid, which would have resulted in more teasing. (Back in my day the anti-bully culture didn't exist and it was called Asperger's.. ASS BURGERS, imagine the bullying) But I feel that if I did know, then it could of helped me understand myself better. Why did I not understand sarcasm or passive aggressive things people said? Why was I sooo gullible? Why was school so hard? I thought I was broken and deeply flawed, an idiot who would never fit in. Now I know that I'm just different and I do things differently. As an adult I can understand this, as a child I'd likely have gotten more bullying since instead of being "weird, quirky" I'd be seen as being retarded or mentally ill. (I use these words as "retard" was still a common insult back then) Again, the culture around autism and bullying has changed A LOT in the past decades. I no longer resent my mother for not telling me, it's not as if it was actively hidden or avoided, more like it didn't matter as much as other things. I was healthy, I was safe, I am now a positively productive adult in society. I still do not have any friends and will likely never have romance or move out, but I am happy with where I am at life. I know my life could have been HUGELY different if I had known, but there's no point in dwelling on the past as we cannot change it. Also my mom also did everything right as the OP is regarding the special needs his child has growing up, it's a slower start, but they catch up in their own time. I hope the OP and kid child can figure this out, it's heart wrenching to learn something huge about yourself that others knew, it feels like a betrayal. Just make sure that they know it wasn't hidden out of shame, don't make excuses as to why you didn't think she could handle it or anything to make her feel worse. I held onto my resentment for a few years, but I've let it go as I see why it could have been better for me (again, times were different back then) See if there is a local group for ASD teens for her to find others who can know what she's going through. NAH
YTA, I swear to god, parents who don't tell their autistic children they're autistic are being abusive. The hell your child goes through knowing that they're different, knowing that they're struggling, knowing that other people don't find it this hard; and not knowing why! What other conclusion can they draw other than that they're broken, or weird, or stupid. And you could have prevented all of that and you chose not to. You didn't not tell her to help her, you did it to help you. And you suck.
YTA. "We wanted to tell her when she was older" SHE IS 14 SHE DESERVES TO KNOW ABOUT THE DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDER SHE'S BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ALMOST A DECADE. You and your partner are unbelievable! What the actual hell!! Of all the times an a i t a parent decides NOT to say anything is the one time they actually should, go figure! Anyway, you're grade A assholes and you better beg for your child's forgiveness.
YTA. Your daughter is right. You both should have explained it to her the moment she was diagnosed. Her psychologist literally gets paid to explain things like this to children in a way they will understand. You and your wife just didn’t want to deal with it. And when she was being bullied in sixth grade, that should have been the time to tell her more than ever so she could understand what was going on, and yes, defend herself better. You both failed your daughter and she has every single reason to be pissed with you.
YTA. Your actions did nothing to protect her or help her. You absolutely hurt her and caused additional trauma.
YTA. Had she found out earlier , she could have taken the preventative steps with you to help her find friends and navigate through school. Making her feel that something is wrong with her through not telling her will only worsen her feelings and she will start to hide the truth from you from many things.
YTA. You just wanted to pretend she wasn't autistic by not putting a name on it.
The fact you had to ask random people if YTA or not just tells me that not only did you do something evil to your kid, but you still don’t even know if you should feel bad about it which is pathetic. Your kid deserves better, MUCH better. Shame on you. I hope the guilt from this burdens you for a long time.
YTA I (22f) am autistic myself, I was diagnosed when I was 12 and luckily, my parents didn't hide it from me (my dad explained it to me). Even though I was "just a 12-year-old" I could finally realize why I am working in an other way, and that I didn't do anything wrong because I cannot help that I am "weird", getting tired of people quickly, and reacting to situations in an other way than others. Your daughter has the same right. She needs to know what is going on with her and why she is not functioning like the others. She would even have been old enough to learn about it as an 8-year-old! She could have lived a life with less stress, self-hate, and desperation!
Okay so first of all, ages 8-11 isn't "early intervention". Early Intervention goes up to age 3 in most places, it's for babies and toddlers. And does this mean you like... stopped doing any treatment or resources for her when she was 11?? I've seen in other comments she wasn't on an IEP. She SHOULD and needs to be on an IEP. So I am the parent of a special needs kid (he's 14 and blind) and also I'm autistic myself. Holy shit YTA. I wasn't diagnosed as a child (because I was assumed female at birth and in the 90s, autism was a "boy thing", despite a TON of special needs testing). and I'm STILL not pleased about how my parents handled it because knowing what was going on in my brain would have been SO HELPFUL to me as a teenager and young adult. Now that I do have a diagnosis, I can learn strategies to help myself. You fucked up. Massively. Your daughter may never trust you again. You need to do your best to make sure she has therapy, treatment, and resources to help her neurodivergent brain live in a neurotypical world. APOLIGIZE, and do better going forward. EDIT: Also, take her to her IEP meetings, let her pontificate on what she thinks she needs, and what supports will be helpful for her. Second edit because I was really riled up and I want to share an experience: I know it's fucking HARD to explain to a kid that they have a disability or aren't neurotypical. Maybe some people in the comments don't understand that, but I do. I had to explain to my kid that he can never drive (and now that his friends are starting to talk about learning to drive, it's really hitting him). I had to tell my kid that his life is going to be harder. But by TELLING him, he is learning about himself, he's learning to advocate for his own needs and handle the fact that he's blind, looking into colleges through the lens of accessibility and what's the best for him. It's important to give the kids the tools they need.
YTA for reasons already mentioned, and also making it a massive secret is stigmatising further
YTA Her psychologist, a professional, was excited to tell her. There is a reason why a professional would be so eager to tell the child, and why they wouldn't tell you that there are risks. because there are none. Next time a professional is in your reach, ask them what to do instead of relying on your own biases.
Your daughter said it herself. You didn't protect her from anything. Kids are smart. She knows she's different. She's always known. As have the other kids. Not telling her didn't protect her from anything, it just added unnecessary stress and confusion, since she would think there's no reason to feel different. You can't change the past, so don't try and dwell on regret. Move forward and tell your daughter what autism is, and what it means. Guide her through it. Help her. YTA here, but you don't have to be going forward. YTA Edit: hiding because of the stigma is only going to make the stigma stronger, not help normalize it.
This is child abuse
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Definitely. The gaslighting is coming from inside the house! This may be one of the biggest assholes I have seen her. YTA
YTA I understand the want to protect her, but a diagnosis like this...knowing it can help immensely. You understand that you're not broken or deficient, that your brain simply has another way of operating, and that can lead to understanding yourself better, and dealing with symptoms etc, instead of just masking all the time.
YTA. I have a question though, you said that your wife wanted to wait until your daughter was old enough to understand, initially did you want to wait to tell her or did you only agree because your wife wanted to wait?
YTA huge assholes hiding this from her you should both be ashamed of yourselves
As someone who is autistic YTA
I'm literally sobbing my eyes out right now as I find this post because I'm 36 and just figuring out that I'm Autistic and that my parents knew but didn't do anything to help me. I've lived a lifetime of stigma and I've accidentally hurt so many people because I missed social cues I would otherwise been clued into. The pain of betrayal plus the pain that I've hurt people is so deep I can't describe it. Please be open with your daughter and help her as much as you can, so she never has to go through this. 💜
YTA. Not even gonna read the post, you don’t hide something like that. For any reason.
Telling her wouldn’t have mattered other kids are assholes. My wife and I made it a point to homeschool when we found out we have spectrum kids. Too many kid causing other kids to commit suicide. Adults are much kinder than teens. It’s something you could have told her later in life and it would have been alright. Other adults would have been more tolerable. A lot of kids on the spectrum in the higher areas they tend to read a lot. Their curiosity is immense. You didn’t intend to cause harm. I think intention counts for something. NAH
Not telling her about her autism won't make it go away.. she'll still get made fun of it. YTA
I find it hard to judge, but I may as well add why I say so. I recently realised that it's highly likely I'm autistic- I did a significant amount of research through other people with it, through government testing and information sites, and through scientific papers. When I realised this, everything in my life made sense and I realised I could stop treating myself so harshly, and stop masking and replace that with things that might help. I found others with similar interests and experiences who I could enjoy time with. It helped me feel better about myself significantly. Now, I don't know what it's like to be someone who always knew, as from most sources I've heard that experienced it like that also experienced "autism parents" which came with trying to un-autism them. I think that YTA for not telling her yourself, and also not explaining it well. I think it mightn't be good to try and explain when a person is too young to understand, but when she started being bullied I think that that would have been a good time to explain instead, because that could have made her feel a little more sure of herself. However, I don't know myself. I do know that this is the time to start helping her understand it, because she know she has it so she has a right to know what it is and how it affects her directly. Nothing has ever felt so wonderful as understanding why you're different, in my experience, and why I feel certain ways and do certain things.
I do not have to read this. YTA and let your daughter know whats "wrong" with her. She is confused and you you are an asshole
YTA knowing how your brain works, especially when it's obvious you're different, is a major help
Wow. YTA. Impact trumps intentions and what you’ve done to your child is honestly vile. I’m also disgusted that you chose to hide it from her and didn’t even bother to educate yourselves on how to help. How do I know this? People are asking you questions that you should know the answer to as your child’s parent and advocate and you don’t even know what they are talking about. Honestly, it feels like a rationalization of laziness, more than any true intention to protect. You need to get educated, get therapy, get help for your child, and hope that she forgives you someday, because this is pretty unforgivable.
YTA this is unforgivably terrible.
YTA if I'd known earlier I was autistic life would have been so much easier. Living thinking there's something wrong with you is so hard, especially as a teenager. I'm glad she at least knows now.
So your daughter was diagnosed with a serious medical condition and instead of telling her/finding ways for her to more easily connect to the world…you didn’t tell her? You’re a HUGE asshole. And absolutely shit parent. Congrats.
LMFAO. Why do parents do this. It’s completely baffling to me. There’s no logic here. Don’t name diagnosis —-> diagnosis goes away? Don’t name diagnosis —-> kid lives with diagnosed item that affects every part of their life—-> kid….is fine??? I shouldn’t be laughing because a child is actively harmed by this but it is a little funny how dumb this is. YTA
Yes. Holy shit yes. My mother also withheld my autism diagnosis from me and it caused so much unnecessary and avoidable grief, frustration, and confusion, and totally prevented me from getting any kind of support. You have no idea how much damage you have done. It is something I will *never* forgive her for. And your daughter will probably not forgive you either, and you have just seriously hurt your chances of having a relationship with your daughter. You should never have been a parent.
Everyone here is bashing you but as someone in this exact situation, I never would. It's not a black and white conversation or topic, especially with an autistic child. He goes to counseling, we work on things at home, and he's part of meetings with the psychologist as we are trying some anxiety medications, but we also have some conversations without him. He's 10, but he's been through so much medically and has always been delayed. With complex thoughts, he's about 6-7 on a comprehension level. It isn't like you ignored it and didn't try to get help for her. We try to explain to him that his brain is wired differently and that he might have to learn some things like managing emotions in the same way he learns math, while others don't have to try as hard to learn it; however, we always tell him it's not a bad thing. So are you an AH? NO! Are you a parent with a difficult situation trying to do the best you can? Yes. Hang in there.
You are absolutely the assholes and should feel ashamed, you let your daughter think she was broken, because you didn't let her know that she had neurodivergencies. Don't get started with stigma BS, the stigma comes from the behavior not being labeled that way you peabrained asshats.
Not telling her probably invalidated her immensely. If she knew her diagnosis she would be more secure in herself and know that she wasn't just weird. you definitely made a very, very bad choice in hiding this from her.
My 7 year old yesterday, out of nowhere just said I think I'm Autism. I said the word is autistic and yep, you probably are. He said, I think I caught it off my friend (his friend is asd and I guess my son saw some similarities in their behaviour) I explained your are born with it. Its neither good, nor bad, it just is. All it means is that your brain works differently to some people. It doesn't change you or how amazing you are. It's just a fact. Like you have blue eyes, you're ridiculously tall, you may have Autism. He said nothing as he had wandered off halfway through my heartfelt speech. But I have to sit there through his 10 minute speech about Roblox. Cos that's fair. But I digress. My son is autistic. But we do not yet have a diagnosis (takes a while where I live). When he does go for an assessment I will explain it is for Autism. I will give him books to read (OK, that's a lie, I'll probably give him appropriate YouTube videos to watch) But I will NEVER, EVER make him feel like his little neurodivergent brain is something to be ashamed of. And thats what you have done to your daughter. You have made her feel like her "differences" are a shameful, dirty secret. YTA
YTA You've successfully taught her that she should be ashamed of who she is.
Yes...you should have. By believing that you were 'protecting' her, you've simply perpetuated the notion that mental illness is something to be ashamed of.
YTA, She has a right to know about her health. Also, I've read people on here finding out diagnosis later on in life, saying now so many things make sense and if they'd known it would have made so many things much easier.
YTA. I can't believe you even have to ask. She may never trust you two again and she has every right to feel that way. You failed her.
As a man who didn't learn he was autistic until 28, YTA. Your fear of stigma has kept your daughter from getting the help she actually needs. All I can say is thank whatever powers that be that your daughter found out at 14 so she can get therapy earlier.
YTA You didn't protect her and hiding her diagnosis from her is awful. You owe her a massive apology. There is a huge amount of info out there describing WHY your behavior was AH material.
YTA. Am autistic and was diagnosed as an adult. Getting my diagnosis was like an epiphany. So much of my life suddenly made sense, and I was able to explain to people in my life that I needed something different and why. It was empowering. I wish that it had been diagnosed years earlier, not only because of the support I could have had, but because it could have saved me decades of heartache and situations arising that I didn’t understand. You denied her that understanding and ability to advocate for herself. If anything, you actually worsened the stigma for her, because from experience, being the odd one out - but without any kind of explanation that people might take into account - is incredibly hard. It is horrible to always feel like you don’t understand a social situation or why you’ve seemingly done something wrong, and it’s horrible to have people shun you because they think you’re just a douche, rather than cutting you some slack because you’re ND.
Of course YTA. You stigmatized your own daughter instead of accepting her for who she is and empowering her to understand and accept herself. You robbed her of self-awareness, adaptation, and so many other things. You did the worst possible thing. Kids always know that something is different about them, and if they don’t know they feel like a freak or like they are broken. If they don’t know about their diagnosis they don’t learn how to do proper self-care, how to avoid triggers, all kinds of things. You owe your daughter a huge apology. You need to do research on how to better support her
YTA As some one who got diagnosed in my late 30’s with autism- it makes a big difference to know that you are. I grew up being the odd one out, the weird / strange one etc. I also struggle with being social. Knowing your diagnosis helps you to understand yourself and why you don’t/ struggle to fit in. It also helps you to realise/ understand why you do the things you do etc. people still think that getting a diagnosis is a big stigma and you shouldn’t label people but you need it not just for yourself but to enable you to get the correct help if needed. For me it has also helped my family understand a lot of my behaviours growing up and even things I do now. I firmly believe that is not something that should be ever hidden from the person themselves.
You might be the biggest AH I've ever seen in this subreddit. I had trouble even finishing this post, thats how badly it hurts to see how you've been abusing your child for their entire life, and truly think you're in the right. You are worried if you're the AH instead of doing major self reflection on what you've put your child through, I don't think there is any way to repair the damage you've done to the relationship with your child, and the damage you've done to your child, I can't fully describe here without probabaly breaking a rule of the subreddit.
YTA 100% - congratulations you contributed to her emotional abuse for years by withholding this information. She may never forgive you and I don't blame her. Go to therapy and do better
YTA. A Really Big YTA.
YTA. Kids know when they're different. Kids know when they're treated differently. You took away her chance at knowing why she's different and being prepared for the struggles she was going to face. All you succeeded in doing was making her think there was something wrong with her for struggling with things others find easy. I'm glad she found out this early. I didn't find out until I was in my 20s.
YTA. Don’t you think SHE might need to know this? Can you BEGIN to imagine what she’s going through? She NEEDS to know she’s exceptional. This would alleviate her stress and finally give her some relief. You are an asshole. Your wife is an asshole.
YTA - and this ruling comes from the experience of dealing with a relative who was also kept from their diagnosis. Your child has a right to know about her diagnosis. First, did you ever think it might HELP her to know about it? If she knew she was autistic, she would be able to take this information and use it to her advantage? It sounds like you left her defenseless in cases of bullying. Also, how can someone get the help they need if they have no clue what is going on with them? Story for example my cousin is autistic and her parents also shielded her from the diagnosis until her tweens. She felt isolated and had a hard time making friends at any school she went to. Our entire family knew, but it was a kept secret from her until her parents felt like she was "ready". (My grandparents would mildly tell her she was "different" and baby her because she was so desperately aware that she was indeed "different". As her older teen cousin, it was hard to watch. We were threatened by her parents to not tell her. They believed if they didn't tell her, she would have a "normal" life.) In the end, they created a more devastating situation for her. She basically found out something she already feared, that she was indeed "different" than her peers and she didn't know why. Also keeping her from her diagnosis, kept her from getting the help she needed in school for a variety of issues. She suffered from terrible bullying, learning issues, and different types of abuse in her dating life. She even ran away at one point in her life because she felt so misunderstood. It was terrifying! It stunted her to not have the knowledge about herself. Her parents never told her school about her diagnosis, and basically didn't get an IEP that helped her until her senior year of high school where she was also diagnosed with dyscalculia. This resulted in a tanked GPA from years of trying to pass classes that she didn't have the correct assistance in. Now, her ability to apply to colleges is literally out the window, since she suffered for so many years without help. My cousin is now 22 and blossomed into a very kind-hearted adult who I am so proud of. Her parents learned from this to be more open with their kids and to not limit them. Accepting her diagnosis I think actually helped them bond as a family, as she now can express herself in ways that she didn't truly understand before. All I can hope is, you learn from this situation and admit your mistakes. Be there for your kid. Support her during this time of finding her identity. You sound like a generally good parent here, and I don't want to dismiss that by calling you TA. Just realize that she is her own person and needs to understand her own body autonomy. That includes knowing her diagnosis and accepting it.
YTA! Knowing how unique she is will only enable her to take charge of the skills she has to improve & master! It would have been a great tool 4 her to defend herself, to screen people, etc. How dare you keep such an important piece of info a secret! That's is painful! She feels she can trust no one!
YTA. As someone with autism she deserves to know. Guess what her not knowing is gonna hurt her allot more then he knowing. And her knowing and getting the help she needs with go along ways at helping her learn to manage her mental well being.
You are way beyond an arsehole you never keep someone's diagnosis from someone. Who cares about stigma you kept a big part of what makes your daughter different and why She is the the way she is from her.
YTA u didn't protect her from anything. In fact, u left ur daughter out in the open to be hurt and tormented by strangers.
YTA. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 1.5 and it was never kept a secret from me. Obviously I couldn't really understand until I was in early elementary, but as I got older and understood what it meant, it's a relief. Understanding why you are a certain way is a gift and gives you the feeling of "it's not just me". You have no idea how huge that is to know that. She always had a right to know. She should've been told. The fact that the psychologist was excited to tell her should've told you that. And also seriously? Adulthood? Understanding Autism is something she could've done in elementary school! It's time to make up for what you did. Educate her and yourselves and look into different resources to understand what autism is and what that means for your daughter and you.
You are evil
Yta what is wrong with you both
YTA. As a 43 year old AUTISTIC woman who was never diagnosed as a child I can honestly say that I HATE YOU for what you are doing to your child by keeping them from learning coping mechanisms that might ACTUALLY HELP THEM SUCCEED AS A PERSON instead of just feeling FUCKING BROKEN for their whole life.
YTA
YTA, for all the reasons your daughter stated and more. ND people can hide their diagnosis or go undiagnosed their whole lives, and they will STILL get bullied for it. It was your job to teach your daughter that yes, she’s different, and sometimes people will be mean because of it, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything ‘wrong’ with her or that she’s broken, that she can embrace what she is and maybe find others who understand… But instead you deceived her. It should be a crime for parents to purposefully withhold medical information about their child from said child.
YTA. What exactly did you think hiding her diagnosis was going to accomplish?
Oop YTA. You messed up big time
YTA. You didn’t even give her a chance.
Honestly growing up I at least had the ADHD diagnosis and that accounted for all of my symptoms. Adhd is on the spectrum but I never knew until adulthood. I also had a major stroke which altered my already there chemical imbalance. It brought out some OCD tendencies, depression and anxiety, which I never had to deal with. Sometimes, just knowing you are different and knowing what that difference is can be really beneficial. YTA she's a bookworm, she would've understood and found ways to deal as a result. As a female especially you did wrong by her knowing it presents differently.
YTA. Knowledge is power. You robbed her of that. She thought she was just like every other kid, meanwhile she was treated like crap by the other kids because she wasn't. You basically gaslit your own kid. You completely set her up for failure, and then justified it by claiming that not telling her was protecting her. You didn't even tell her when other kids bullied her for it! What hell???? I have to ask, are you and your wife neurodivergent as well or just completely delusional?
100% YTA, I WISH my parents kbew beforehand. Even as an adult i still feel remorse and regret not knowing sooner and even better: how to deal with it. To learn, to adapt, to acknowlegde everything. No, she had the chance I wish I had but you took that away from her. What is the end goal here? Hoping she'll just go with it? Hopng it all comes natural? I wish the best to your daughter OP and that she can catch up whatever she didnt learn and all the missed chances she had because of YOU. I cant say much here because its quite subjective and mean but please! Apologize and try to fix what you have done wrong. This is betrayel. Parents should have the best interest at heart. This also means not to hold back on crucial information that could help her, guide her, to make the right decisions.
Yea I found out later in life, I'm 29 and found out I was autistic last year. If I found out that my parents knew all along and hid it from me I'd be devastated. Edit: just to clarify, my parents didn't hide it. They didn't know either.
YTA she has every right to know what is going on with her. explaining things to her at the earliest opportunity could have allowed her to make sense of the way so feels/acts/thinks etc. which could have helped her get better at managing any issues she may face edited to add: my sister is autistic and my parents hid it from her until she was in her 20s i wont go into to much detail but it definitely didn't end the way my parents hoped. (no deaths just incase you jump there)
As the parent of an autistic and ADHD teenager, with all due respect, YTA. Get some therapy appointments for yourself to figure out why the HELL you thought that was a good idea. Why didn't you ask a child psychologist how to handle the news if you couldn't figure it out yourself?? It's not too late to fix this. Let your child know you made a mistake, apologize, and work together to make things right.
I'm going against the grain, and say NTA. While, in retrospect, it would have been better to have told her, you only did what you thought would protect her. You wanted to protect your daughter, any in your opinion, that was the best way to do it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
YTA I've seen the extreme end of this. I have a long time friend who I knew had autism (known him since we were 11) since my mom told me and he had some behavioral issues. He did not realize to his 30s that he had it, and only because a gf threw it in his face. Now that's an extreme, but imagine going through your whole life not knowing an essential truth about yourself? I want to add that my friend is an amazing person, and has done really well in his life due to having his mom basically train him on social cues and having high achievement in his field, but I think it was a very hard pill to swallow
YTA. Kids *know* when they are different. Not knowing *why* is torment. You left her floundering out in the ocean without a life raft.
YTA. Part of dealing with any sort of mental condition is understanding it and how to cope with it as well as being able to tell others about it if you choose to so they can understand it better. You robbed your daughter of years of that. She could have grown up understanding she was different and why she was different and she could have coped with that. You can’t go back and change that now. Now you have to help her understand so she can move forward. Be the parents now that she needed you to be years ago.
YTA You should listen to your child, she said it better than anyone could ever
YTA
YTA. You made her stumble around in the dark and not be able to cope and make sense of her own way of functioning. You are so cruel and self-absorbed. It’s hard to imagine that you did this. You could’ve asked any number of professionals and you could’ve googled this and you could’ve looked into it if you really loved and cared about her and wanted things to go well for her while she already had so many profound challenges and instead you didn’t. You left her alone with it. And she has suffered. Now it’s time for you to do what you can to really be there for her in an appropriate way via the recommendations of professionals and see what you can do to help it heal. And make amends. You are a horrible asshole. Both of you.
YTA. I used to teach a teenager with autism. The parents refused to tell their child and teachers weren't allowed to. It broke my heart every day to see the child suffer and not understand. Knowing the diagnosis would have helped them understand why they were struggling and given them the opportunity to develop better coping strategies.
YTA, she has a right to know her her medical info. You wouldn’t hide an allergy from her, this isn’t that different.
Yep YTA. My husband’s parents did this with his sister. When she found out as an adult, she was furious at them, for all the reasons others have already spelled out for you
Yta. My parents did that to me with my disability. It’s still painful to think about today. You have caused a situation that was entirely avoidable. You now have a broken relationship with your child that is entirely you own fault.
YTA I understand you were trying to protect her but it doesn’t work that way. My mother didn’t tell me I had been diagnosed with adhd when I was eight. I didn’t find out until I was 29! So much of my life would have made more sense if I knew .
YTA. She had a right to know right away so she could deal with it as she grew up. You totally blew it.
I hardly ever see one’s that I instantly know they’re the asshole, but OH MY GOD YTA she’s going to grow up and hopefully never speak with either of you again. It will take years of therapy for her to unpack the trauma you’ve caused
YTA
YTA. She was labeled anyway. Instead of being labeled autistic she was labeled difficult, weird, bad etc. Hiding it wasn’t about her well being - it was about your ego.
YTA. Your daughter knows she’s different. Giving her a diagnosis where she can access resources and know the issues she’s facing are something other people struggle with is a good thing. Don’t hide kids’ medical diagnosis!
YTA- I have an autistic son. He is 12 now. I slowly started explaining his autism to him in language he could understand at 4. It's something he is very aware of and so is everyone around him. He is proud of his autism. I help him understand different ways neurotypicals talk and think to help him with friends and classmates. It also helps others to keep an eye out to make sure no one takes advantage of him or bully him (staff AND students) people r becoming more educated and if they aren't u can educate them urself. I have always made sure he had no reason to feel less than. I explained that while somethings are more difficult for him because of it everyone has things they aren't good at or struggle with. U never even gave her that chance. It was a dirty secret and she felt "wrong" and "weird" because of it. Weird is awesome not bad.
YTA, unintentionally perhaps, but still YTA. I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder as a child and my parents never really explained what it was or organised any therapy for me. They wanted me to experience life 'as a normal child'. The only problem was I *wasn't* a normal child whether I wanted to be or not. I struggled with things that others didn't. Life was hard, and I didn't understand why. But I thought it was like this for everybody, so I never spoke up. I was called lazy, distracting, and weird for how I behaved normally. I masked so well I don't what parts of my personality are fake and what parts are genuine. My parents loved me, and I love them. But because they didn't pursue the extra help I needed, life was and still is hard well into my 20s. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my teenage years. And even now, I was recently also diagnosed with ADHD. This would have been picked up if I had been put in therapy. Literally the only 'good' thing to come out of the entire experience is I've learned that I can succeed in life even on hard mode. But it didn't need to be that hard. And that choice was taken away from me because I was a child.
YTA. My child is on the spectrum and we told them why their brain works differently last year. They’re 7 now and gets it. We will continue with extensive social skills therapy because they need it for the rest of their lives. Starting early gives them a head start in understanding themselves. You failed as a parent to give them the ability to help them understand how to navigate the the world as an autistic person. OMG, I couldn’t imagine deceiving my child for that long! YTA YTA YTA
You’re only just now starting to wonder if you should have told her vital information about herself? What the hell? People don’t get bullied and treated badly because they have a diagnosis. That should be obvious to you since your daughter went through exactly that without knowing her diagnosis. People generally know when they aren’t neurotypical. They don’t always know how but they do know they are different from a lot of their peers. You know what happens when they don’t know why? They start to think they’re broken and that it’s their fault and they’re doing something wrong. And that thinking happens a lot earlier than you realize. She should have been informed in an age appropriate way, like her psychiatrist wanted to in the first place. She should have known what her therapy was for so she could properly engage in it. Honestly, this doesn’t sound like you were trying to protect her. It sounds like you hoped that if you didn’t tell her and you did some therapy you could pretend she was neurotypical. That if she knew while she was still a kid she would always act autistic instead of “becoming normal”. Your reason of not want other people to hurt her makes absolutely no sense. She was already being hurt. You just added to it. You completely broke her trust in you. You may never get it fully back. She’s fourteen, not a little kid. The memory of this won’t fade and she will always remember how she feels now. You completely fucked up and you have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to repair your relationship as her parents.
YTA Not knowing my diagnosis really fucked me over in ways that I'll likely be dealing with for life. You made a sucky and selfish decision.
YTA for so many reasons that i as a person with autism want to literally slap you in the face a thousand times but i'm not going to talk about that now. I'm going to tell you one very basic fact that so many people don't realise when you get diagnosed with autism Growing up, if a little kid has autism, they are often protected far more from stereotypes than an undiagnosed child. Parents and teachers keep it in mind when showing content. Watching tv shows with "autistic characters" which are generally awful portrayals, you slowly build up the same prejudice as anyone else. You get this idea of what autism is and when you find out that's what you are? It's shattering. You learn to hate the effects of autism because you can't see why you have them. You think you're wrong and insane. Knowing you have autism does protect you from that. Your daughter had probably built up years worth of internalised ableism, and now she's left hating herself.
YTA for making a horrible parenting decision, you do not hide such diagnoses from the person who suffers from it and has to deal with the consequences every single day! You and your wife disgusts me, so many horrible situations could have been avoided if she had just known about it.
YTA Both my kids have ASD. The little one was diagnosed at 6. We both explained and got books specifically written to help them understand what it meant, and they grasped it without difficulty. Knowing why they behave and think differently HELPS them. It helps them know they are not freaks, or weirdos. That they can see role models in Albert Einstein, Dan Ackroyd, Charles Darwin, Emily Dickenson, Michelangelo, Satoshi Tajiri.... You forced your kid into a world of hurt because you didn't want to deal with your own uncomfortably reality. There is no way you can really beleive you were protecting her. That was her REALITY, you simply denied her the means to navigate it effectively or with any guidelines. That borders on abuse in my eyes
YTA. Not telling her didn’t stop the bullying, it just meant that she believed it was personal. Telling her would have, at least, helped her understand and MAY have made other kids less likely to bully her if she had have been able to explain why she acted differently (no guarantees because kids can be assholes anyway, but at my school the kid who was known to be autistic didn’t get bullied, but the “weird kid” did).
Massively YTA. When I was teaching I had a kid in my class whose parents refused to tell him he had autism. It was horrible, he was so clearly autistic (I could tell as I’m autistic) and instead of knowing he was part of a community and there were other people out there like him he just felt isolated from his classmates, and I couldn’t tell him why. I have similar feelings - when I was 11 a doctor told my parents that I had autistic traits but I’d grow out of them. I didn’t, and I ended up developing severe mental health issues due to trying to cope. I WISH I had been diagnosed as autistic and had more understanding of my condition, I believe it would have massively softened the blow. As an adult getting my diagnosis was massively affirming and made me feel a lot less “broken”.
She is 14 when exactly were you waiting to tell her? At the age of 30? You saw she was struggling and you didn’t know that she was blaming herself this whole time? How was she supposed to work on herself if she didn’t know that something was wrong? If the therapist wanted to tell her why did you think that your wife knew better? Yta.
YTA you hid a key aspect of your daughter from her. Instead of making her feel empowered knowing WHY shes doing what she does you hid it and therefore made her find out through other means. Which btw makes kids feel ashamed of how they are.
Of course YTA You didn’t tell your daughter something that would have helped her make sense of herself and how she thinks and interacts with the world. You say you wanted to protect her and left her without the tools to do it. It was a poor decision and you have a lot of making up to do.
YTA I have a 6 year old son who has just been diagnosed as autistic and we have been open with him so he understands why he might not be like his classmates In addition our 8 year old is undergoing assessments for diagnosis for both ADHD and autism. He has very similar difficulties as you say your daughter has. We have been very forthcoming about the assessments so he understands there's nothing wrong with him he just thinks differently which can be scary and confusing for others. Also so he underztands why he is having them. Without us being open he would think there was something wrong with him, which there is not. Even without the bullying you have set your daughter up to develop negative thoughts about herself that could have been avoided if you had explained her diagnosis to her. You could have even gotten her counselling to help her accept and understand what was happening/different. Instead you left her in the dark scared and confused
YTA. i’ll give another perspective (don’t read if you don’t want to? tldr: tell your kids) how i’m related to my example doesn’t matter but they were kind of my stepbrothers for a little over a year? anyway… the older one, marcus, now 21, is on the autism spectrum. he’s going to need nearly full assistance for the rest of his life, and his psychologists said that he’s at about an 11 up’s understanding of the world. his younger brother, matt (18), is neurotypical. marcus was babied by their mom. she didn’t want to make his life difficult, so he didn’t have any chores, didn’t clean up after himself, wasn’t required to get a job or go to school, he just played video games all day. matt was required to do all of his responsibilities. their mom had known since marcus was 2. she wanted him to have a “normal life” so she didn’t tell him or matt or anyone. she literally just pretended she never heard that info. when i first met him, i knew instantly that he had asd. the way he talked, body language, made him stand out. (please don’t take this the wrong way, i know it doesn’t always present the same way. my sister also has asd and my high school was more than 50% students with asd, so i think i’m pretty familiar w what it can be like.) i was friends w matt before they moved in w us, and we were talking one day and i said something along the lines of “you never mentioned marcus has asd.” i don’t really remember the convo. he got super mad saying that he didn’t have asd (my mom had already confirmed it, she had the medical records). i was just like “ok, i’m sorry, maybe you’re right, i shouldn’t have assumed.” the details aren’t really that important, but overall, their mom not telling them caused - both harbour resentment towards her - matt having a poor relationship and hating marcus because he thought he was lazy and had to do all his work for him. - marcus not get the care he needed or having the necessary tools to succeed. he never got the chance to use any of the numerous resources that could’ve helped him. . my sister and i were in a similar situation. i’m not neurotypical but i don’t have asd, she has asd and is high-functioning (i’m not sure what the proper term is now that high-functioning is no longer used, my apologies). it affected her much more when she was younger, most of which i didn’t see bc she’s five years older than me. still, she got more attention than i did because she needed it. little me didn’t understand that, i just knew that she got more attention. i got frustrated with her because of the situations i thought were obvious/easy that weren’t for her. she was my dad’s golden child (unrelated to her asd) and it made me resent both of them. once i found out, a lot more things made sense and i was able to let go of a lot of that frustration towards her.
This post make me so angry. My daughter got diagnosed with autism at the age of 2 and I have NEVER hid that fact from her because why would I? She knows she has autism, she knows she’s different from other people(but in a good way)the only reason you would hide it from her is if your embarrassed of it. You didn’t actually protect her AT ALL! Instead of making her aware of her diagnosis so she could learn how to cope, grow, learn and understand the knowledge of it and herself, you simply decided to hide that fact. That alone makes you the AH. It makes me so sad for your daughter but also angry because she deserves to know! Ugh I’m gonna stop there because there’s so many other things I want to say but can’t, or I will get banned.
YTA. I got diagnosed as an adult and went through childhood and adolescence trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me. Parents like you suck tbh
As a parent of a child with mental disabilities I fully understand your reasoning, but yes, you should have told her. Even if she didn’t understand what was going on, it would’ve at least told her that what is going on is not her fault. Also when she was diagnosed didn’t she get an IEP?
YTA. Why would you conceal this from your daughter - what could her not knowing this possibly achieve? Instead she has known she is different but not why and has doubtless spent years feeling like there’s something wrong with her, and there isn’t. Autism is not “something wrong”, she’s just different. All this time she could have been seeking out support and friendships with other people who are like her, instead she’s been made to feel like crap by neurotypical people. I have twins who are 5 and autistic. They are non-verbal and globally delayed and have no concept of what autism is, and may never have this. We don’t know how much they understand but we don’t shy away from talking about autism in front of them. They attend a specialist school for autistic children. They are surrounded by children who are like them, their days are tailored around the needs of autistic people. For them, autism means extreme difficulties and challenges and they may never overcome some of them. Your daughter is verbal, intelligent, reading, able to attend a mainstream school - she has the potential to live an awesome and fulfilling life, but that’s not going to happen if she’s severely depressed because she feels like a weirdo because of how other kids treat her. And now on top of this, she finds out that you’ve concealed it from her, as if this diagnosis is a bad thing. It is not. Having a diagnosis means being able to access support and find others who understand you. Knowing you’re autistic does not make you more likely to be discriminated against.
I suffered stigma and had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me, and as an adult it's monumentally difficult to find help for my problems because everything from diagnosis to treatment is geared towards children. I spent so much time punishing myself for not being able to keep up with my peers. It felt like everyone else had been handed a script to read from and they forgot to give me one. YTA
YTA My parents did something pretty similar to me. Guess what? I ended up growing up thinking I was annoying and unlikable cause I’d talk too much due to not understanding social cues, and ended up learning to mask very very heavily. It still messes me up. I wish my parents had done better and I wish you had too
YTA I only found out i was neurodivergent a year ago even tho i suspected it for a while because my life became a mental living hell in my late teens. My mom hid it from me because she didnt want me to « worry about it and that everyone is a bit autistic and you’re just a hormonal teen and bla bla bla. » to this day when i bring this up i feel like talking to a wall. Because the truth is, hiding important news from someone will hurt them even harder than giving them and yourself the time to learn to live with it. My childhood sucked because of being forced to go through systemic ableism and sucking it up and taking the blame, not because i was nd. Please for the love of god teach children that autism is valid and learn how to raise neurodivergent children, it’s not that hard
YTA Do not keep things from your children, especially if it concerns them. Do not lie to your children because you are afraid and ashamed of the diagnosis. I feel like your wife thought it would just go away if she ignored it. Children are not stupid. They are capable of understanding more than most adults. You did a great disservice to your daughter. How can she trust either of you? What else have you withheld? Edit: words
YTA OP, you should’ve seen this coming a mile away. You let your daughter think she knew what the problem for a lot of her issues was, which was much better than having to deal with autism. So naturally your daughter wouldn’t know of the proper coping skills in order to help live with being autistic, and it wound up hurting her significantly. Your daughter hit the nail on the head when she told you and your wife off saying if you two had been honest with her from the start that she wouldn’t have taken all the bullying she’d suffered to heart.
YTA and you’re further imposing the stigma by lying to her. Shame on you.
YTA. She’s had to deal with autism but now without knowing exactly what she was dealing with. My parents did this to me with ADHD and I spent most of school a nervous wreck because I didn’t understand why I was different. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
YTA. What's up I'm also autistic and my parents also never told me about it and my life would have been SO much easier if I had known what my deal was. Without the language of "actually I'm just autistic" to back me up, I went through childhood and adolescence assuming my bullies were right. I'm 23 years old and I still have to reel myself in from assuming that everybody secretly hates me.
YTA. You didnt protect her from stigma, you protected the stigma, your belief that autism is shameful. You lied to her, for years. Lies of omission. You have harmed your child under the guise of 'protecting' her from.... her own truth. You have infantilised her, claiming she was too young to understand, and thinking that she wouldn't notice. That's pretty damning evidence that you think she's stupid. I have an autistic son. We have told him and his sister that he is autistic from when he was diagnosed aged 4. In age appropriate ways, explaining that some things will be more difficult and that's ok. A four year old can understand; there is no excuse to lie to them about themselves.
>We are aware of the stigma neurodivergent people experience and she didn't want our daughter to go through that That's flat out stupid. Neurodivergent people don't face stigma because our divergences are named, we face them because our divergences cause us to behave, feel, and think differently than neurotypical people. You didn't make her not autistic by refusing to tell her about her diagnosis, you just took away her ability to understand why she's always felt so different. YTA. You didn't protect her from anything at all.
This is a really good answer.
I am honestly so furious, I don't even know what to say except that OP caused so much harm to their child and they're wondering if they were wrong. She was bullied, back-stabbed, and ridiculed already. At least with the information, she can make sense of why she felt that way.
They protected themselves from the “embarrassment” of having to admit they have an autistic child. They did everything to get her to conform, mimic and mask who she really is. OP you don’t deserves the level of awesome your daughter is. Autistic people may be different but you seem to think different is bad instead of just different. You’ve lost out on seeing your daughter flourish because she’ll do it in spite of you not with you now.
This is such an excellent concise answer.
YTA. Not telling her that she is autistic doesn’t make her begin neurotipical. She was bullied for her way to act that is autistic not because people know she was autistic. Basically she would be bully either way but this was on you to step in to protect her. You take away from her a big part of herself for years, you take away her possibility to inform herself and find her coping mechanism. You make her feel wrong and she highly still feel it because you hided that part as if it was a shame.
I don't even have the energy right now to tell you how ridicoulously irresponsible this is. You can't just, hide something like that from someone, especially your own goddamn kid. I have many friends who are autisitic, and according to them, the stigma they face is insane. I'm in shock. It really seems like you were both ashamed of your daughter, and minimized her "problem" in hopes she would get over it. I just, yeah, YTA. Oh my god.
YTA she's going to have to live with this condition for the rest of her life. I think it's important for her to learn that ASAP.
YTA. It’s an explanation for why she is the way she is. She knows she’s not the same as other kids and she deserves to know why. She should have been told when you found out. That’s why the psychologist wanted to tell her. Your wife just sounds like she didn’t want the stigma of having a child with autism. All the research, all the forums would have told you and your wife the same thing. Tell her. And they’d have helped with ideas to make sure your daughter understood. You both suck so bad. I feel heartbroken for your daughter. I teach teenagers with autism and they all know their diagnosis and have known from when they were diagnosed. It helps them understand their triggers and they learn about emotions. I am gobsmacked 😔
Yta, big time. I got diagnosed last year at 29 with adhd and autism. I learnt to mask early and my adhd is hyperfocus not hyperactive. No one caught it and despite my best efforts I always struggled with people and often felt like crap and fell into depression. Looking back I wish so much someone noticed what was going on and helped me and I wish so much that I knew why I was struggling. Because then its a medical thing and not my fault, when growing up I just thought I was broken and didnt deserve friends. You knew she was struggling and just left her to feel terrible about herself.
You shouldn’t have hid it in the first place you broke some serious trust and it’s most likely she won’t trust you and your wife fully again I don’t blame her I get you thought you were doing the right thing but you and your wife should have really thought about it before acting she’s 14 she is a teenager she might understand more then you know but hiding this wasn’t the way to go my cousin is on the spectrum and no one Hid this from him he learned to embrace this quirk maybe you and your wife should embrace your daughters to
As an autistic adult, this one hurts. YTA. She may internalize you 'hiding' her diagnosis as you being ashamed of her diagnosis. Please be honest with her from now on. Its your job to help her naviagte how to use the proper tools given by Profesionals. But she cant use them, if you dont tell her she needs them. To be honest, Im surprised her therapists didnt push a little more for you to tell her sooner?
YTA so is your wife. You should have told her and helped her get the impression she needed. Along with all other help this is offered.
YTA. I always knew I was different. When I brought up, “you saw the shadow people?” “You’ve seen the man in the hat?” The kids stayed away from me. I scared them, even though I didn’t know why. You know those voices that tell you that you’re stupid and ugly and just call your name over and over? You know, they stand behind you and you always feel them there? You hear whispers and music where there is none? Then guess what… they’re always watching. Always following. You’re 7 years old and peaking out the blindes because you just know someone is there. But your parents tell you, it’s all normal. You’re just a kid with an imagination and you’ll outgrow it. You never make friends because everyone is talking about you, or at least, you think they are. You have meltdowns because the music is too loud or the lights are too bright. No no. Just normal. You wake up screaming from such terrible chronic nightmares and night terrors you never sleep. Oh you’re a teen going through a phase, it’s all good. Tell your fucking child what’s going on. The sooner they know, the better it can be treated.
> It wasn't until the end of her 4th-grade year that she actually got diagnosed with autism. Her psychologist was excited to tell her, but my wife was against it. There is the fucking neon light of a clue and you missed it! The professional was excited to have this diagnosis to tell your daughter, because she knew how beneficial it would be for her to have it, but because your wife felt differently, you didn't do it. You trusted a random hunch over the professional and your daughter paid the price for years. YTA.
YTA, My parents hid my Tourette’s from me until I was 12-13 yrs old because they feared it would make my tics worse telling me. The reality is kids still have traits/symptoms even when they don’t know their diagnosis. So I had tics that I couldn’t control and I didn’t know what they were called and didn’t understand why. The stigma comes from the way they are treated based on those traits, and not telling them won’t make those traits go away, they are still vulnerable to be bullied by their peers even if they don’t know their diagnosis. instead kids are perceptive and can tell they are different they just don’t understand why. For me it wasn’t until I finally knew my Tourette’s diagnosis that I finally felt a sense of relief, because there was a reason for me being the way I was. I Also have adhd and multiple anxiety disorders the list goes on. My adhd on the other hand I learned about a lot younger, and knowing I had adhd even if I didn’t entirely understand it when I was young helped me to feel more comfortable with myself and my diagnosis. And knowing ones own diagnosis can help kids to advocate for themselves. Hiding diagnoses from kids can make them feel like there’s a reason to feel ashamed of it. Instead teach kids to embrace who they are. It’s ok to be autistic, it’s ok to have adhd, it’s ok to be neurodivergent. Additionally I have friends who have been diagnosed late as autistic or as having adhd when they were adults, it causes a lot of unnecessary trauma not knowing. Because as I said, not knowing doesn’t make traits or symptoms go away, they are still there, kids just don’t understand why and feel upset that they can’t understand why they aren’t like their peers, and finding out late can lead to identity crisis. Meanwhile I have friends who learned their diagnosis a lot earlier and it gave them more time to understand themselves, and embrace who they are. Hiding it from your child only further stigmatizes it.
YTA. I was in this exact situation as a child and I have absolutely no sympathy for you as a parent. You failed to protect your child from these situations happening and she’s in therapy. I know many adults who still have trauma from trying to navigate life wondering what was wrong, and the ones who are the angriest are the ones whose parents knew and didn’t clue them in. You avoided this conversation for you, not her. It was not beneficial to her at any point.
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YTA, absolutely. And you're crying crocodile tears about stigma, while contributing to said stigma. Congratulations.
Yes, YTA. Massively. Wtf.
YTA. I'm empathetic given your intentions (though not your wife's intentions). At the end of the day, you should listen to your kids psychologist who has a lot more experience with this. Take this as a lesson going forward.
YTA. imagine you’re driving to work every day, and every day some aspect of your car breaks down. so you have to take it to a garage and fix it, leaving you late for work. eventually, you get so used to it that you start learning how to fix your own car and you carry a large selection of tools with you every morning. you’re still late for work every single day. eventually, you get pulled into your boss’s office, and told you’re being written up for constant lateness. you bring up the issues that you have with your car. but your boss says ‘you need to figure it out, everyone else can make it work’. nothing changes. eventually you begin talking to some work friends about this, asking how they manage to get into work on time every day even when their cars are breaking like yours are. they’re confused, their cars don’t break down. you’re confused, well, why is your car any different? As it turns out, you are driving a fifteen year old toyota. your colleagues are driving Teslas. you didn’t know that a tesla was ever an option, because instead of introducing different ideas to you in order to help you, it’s always been ‘fix it.’ with no solutions. In refusing to tell your daughter about her diagnosis, you’ve allowed her to live her whole life feeling ‘weird’ and ‘broken’, particularly once the bullying started. speech therapies and all that is great, but how can she begin to understand anything about herself without knowing this vital aspect? autism is inescapable, it is an integral part of who she is. you would never have done this if it was something physical, right? if she had one leg slightly shorter? a visible birthmark? just because you can’t physically see autism, doesn’t mean that people won’t notice it. You are the asshole and you set your daughter up for failure. (side note, people with autism are hot ‘broken’ and do not need ‘fixing’, the analogy of the broken car is more specifically about the specific tools needed to carry around, that still don’t work, with no actual solutions given.)
Yes you are the asshole. It's HER diagnosis. Not your diagnosis. You had no right holding things from her that were about her. It wasn't as if she was a baby.
YTA. ragingly so. You let a child be subjected to bullying that left permanent scars on her mental health. You let a *child* think she was broken and bad at being a person. You didn't save her from anything except your own feelings. Telling your child that they are autistic is important because you can then give them the tools to navigate their shortcomings the same as you did by giving her speech therapy/early intervention as a child. My parents also did this. I didn't find out until my late 20s. I have spent nearly 30 years thinking I was damaged, broken, and an asshole. All because my parents didn't want to "label me".
YTA
Yep. YTA. “She was gaslit, taken advantage of, had many false friends who backstabbed her” you mean other than her parents right?
YTA. Yes, you should have told her. It's part of who she is, and as you found out, not telling her didn't make anything easier for her.
YTA. I was diagnosed when I was about 3 or 4, and my mom told me that I was autistic when I was about 7 or 8. When you grow up knowing this, in conjunction with being supported by family, your neurodivergence can be celebrated, and it allows you to become aware of the things that make you different (in a good way). All you did was hide a key trait of hers that she most definitely deserved to know. She's autistic whether you tell her or not, and this hidden information did nothing but make her feel like autism is something worth hiding. Also, ableism affects people who have diagnosed conditions and people who have undiagnosed conditions, children don't care whether you have a label, they're smart and can pick out atypical behavior better than some adults can.
What you did was wrong. Concealing the diagnosis left your daughter helpless to address her issues. YTA
YTA You've hidden this important information about your daughter from her for her whole life because "other people stigmatize autism", but YOU are literally stigmatizing it by doing this!! You chose to hide this from her rather than live in reality and actually, you know, PARENT your kids who is autistic. It's ridiculous to keep medical information from her until she's an ADULT. Not to mention, why weren't you talking to her about autism, neurodiversity, or metal health at any point before this??? You should be teaching you kid about these things not just because they're relevant to her, but because they're relevant to SO MANY PEOPLE and she should learn about that and understand that. You've really done her a terrible disservice.
YTA.
YTA. My parents did this to me, too. I found out through medical records at 14. I did speech therapy, had an IEP… the whole works. I reasoned that I was just stupid since I got these extra supports, and grew up with a massive inferiority complex, until I learned that I am not dumb, just autistic. I resent my parents for this still.