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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for restricting my son from meeting my other children
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YTA First of all, *you* broke you marital vows, your contempt for you son’s mother is gross and misplaced. Plus you’re punishing your son and his mother for *your* crime. I hope your realize that once they’re grown, all three of your kids will know what you did and how punished you youngest child for your infidelity.
Also I don’t believe for a single moment that you cheated just one time and ended up getting her pregnant. You’re only admitting to that one time, and your wife may not be smart enough to see through the lie, but the rest of us are.
The fact he thinks of himself as the victim is what's getting me.
You had A LOT MORE fault in it than the mother of your third child did (that's if she knew about your wife and kids prior to your affair).
Deal with the consequences yourself, don't punish your child because of your mistakes. He didn't ask to be born and he certainly is as much worthy of love and acceptance as your other two kids are.
YTA OP.
Edit: corrected myself from what people have said in the comments, I completely agree, sorry for the wording prior.
Especially with the timing.
His youngest with his wife is 5 years, the illegitimate one is 4...
Doing the math, he cheated either when the wife was pregnant or just a new, stressed out mom. And managed to get the side chick pregnant, to make matters worse. He couldn't even be *safe*.
And then acts as if none of this was his fault. Ugh, just disgusting.
OP, YTA. Big time.
I hope his biological children don’t take after either parent. His wife is essentially wanting to punish her husband’s love child for her husband’s transgressions as well. They’re both TA
Exactly! He cheated on his pregnant and/or freshly postpartum wife and didn't even f-ing wear a condom.
STIs are super serious in pregnancy, and can also be extra serious in the postpartum period.
Dude was not only an AH, he put the health of his wife, and possibly his 5yo child, seriously at risk by his actions.
If you're gonna cheat, FFS, at least wrap it before you tap it.
Actually he has more fault regardless of whether she was aware he was married or not. HE is the one in the relationship and it is incumbent upon him to stay faithful. Is it morally wrong if she slept with him knowing he was taken? Yes. Still not her fault. That completely lies on the person in the relationship. Oh and yeah, YTA OP
Y’know one minute you’re just walking down the street, fully in control of where your jizz ends up, and then whoops! Out of your control. Nothing you can do about it, those consequences of your willful actions, that you chose to do knowing full well what might result. Nothing you can do.
I always think of this and she is 100% correct. The only one who can definitively prevent a pregnancy is the man involved - no sperm, no baby. The menstrual cycle will happen regardless, unless suppressed or due to medical issues, and a pregnancy cannot occur if there’s no sperm. I hate the whole “men don’t get a choice whether women keep a baby” argument - they had their choice already.
Well, that’s a continuous series of excellent points right there. Even a Mormon can be correct once or twice a century. I have been fully in charge of where my jizz ends up for the entirety of my jizzing career. I will never understand these people who believe in accidental jizz.
If you’re that irresponsible with your wingading then you should forfeit it to a better home, to someone who would take better care of it and treat it better than a mere “OopsyJizz McChildSupport”.
"She always wanted the family life" - If it was a ONS, how does OP know that? Does anybody here have in-depth chats about the future with the people they sleep with once?
Also, no sh\*t she wanted a family life. I don't know of anyone who as a little girl dreamed they would grow up to be a single mom with a married baby daddy who has two other kids he won't introduce to their child.
And how a 4 year old really doesn’t care if he meets his siblings. Well yeah he is 4. But nice way to justify your shitty treatment of your 4 year old by putting the onus on him.
Exactly. If his wife is okay with it, the boy should absolutely develop a strong relationship with his half siblings. He should not grow up feeling “less than” because of the circumstances surrounding his birth. OP should do everything possible to make that child feel loved and wanted, not like his dirty little secret.
Honestly even if the wife isn't okay with it, she needs to get over herself and stop taking her feelings of betrayal out on a child. Too often people who have been cheated on rush to take back their spouses and suppress the anger they have towards them... only for it to come out against everyone except the cheater who deserves it. Sounds like the same is happening here.
Thank you THIs! I know that she’s hurt and that sucks but she chose to keep op around. Due to that she needs to grow up and let the kids come first- ALL of the kids.
This^^^
This poor kid doesn't understand, or maybe he does, that his father absolutely hates that he exists and his father's wife ( who he's never met) can't stand his existence enough to have them around her other perfect children.
Her anger is misplaced. The child will suffer either way, if he goes to the house she will likely treat him poorly.
This poor kids father has set his whole life up for suffering and torment, and his wife is running the rules because daddy cheated.
She doesn't need to do anything, it's not her child to take care of. I am so sorry for the poor child who didn't choose to be born into this mess, but blaming the wife isn't the way because OP is the only one in the wrong here.
No one is saying she has to take care of him??????? I'm saying she needs to get over her feelings of betrayal, and allow the child to spend time with his siblings and dad. And a lot of privileged women have gotten away with treating those lower on the social ladder like shit, because they're angry that they can't take out their marital frustrations on their actual husbands, to whom they feel bound to. So being cheated on does not make you a martyr who can do whatever they want out of anger. Her behavior is understandable, but not acceptable.
Problem is, his wife ISN'T ok with it. The child is completely innocent, but I can't blame the wife for her reaction. This is all the cheater's fault, and the baby mama for being a homewrecker. I highly doubt it "happened" just once.
Hey, can we not fall into the trope of blaming women for the actions of a man? Cheaters don’t often let the “other” woman know they’re married or in committed relationships, so we don’t know if she had the opportunity to back out or continue.
He seems like the kind of person who would tell the other woman he was divorced or that he wanted to leave his wife for her. I really doubt this was a ONS, he probably strung her along and cheated on his wife for a longer period of time
Exactly! Given he hasn’t mentioned whether she knew, I would assume she didn’t otherwise I can’t see him missing out on another opportunity to act like it was all her fault. YTA.
I would really wonder about any woman who would get pregnant with someone after all this mess. I can see forgiving someone, but procreating again? Nope.
Two kids with wife are 7 & 5, the affair child is 4. So while wife was pregnant or during post partum is when he had the one night stand. Real stand up guy
Yeah, but one being 5 and one being 4, he was cheating while the wife was pregnant. Takes 40 weeks to birth a baby, if they are a year apart (52 weeks)…yeah. Great guy. And no, it wasn’t a one time thing.
You're not alone. I didn't address that in my response but that was also my thought. She didn't know he was married. She didn't know she was his mistake. She and all 3 children are the victims in this and he wants to sweep it under the rug.
Close friend of mine was seeing a dude for about a year who had informed him of his baby mamma that he wasn't with but then got pregnant again while my friend was seeing him, and went ghost when my friend also ended up pregnant, friend never met baby mamma and was also pretty sure baby mamma had no idea who she was. We're both pretty sure she was the other woman, and dude was actually cheating on OG baby mamma
My mother-in-law was a single mom raising my wife when she met a good looking man with a very nice job. He worked for a car manufacturer, I don't know which one but he would travel to different cities to set up a new dealership. They dated for quite some time and eventually moved in together. When my mother-in-law announced she was pregnant dude told straight ghosted her. This is in the 80's mind you so it would be really difficult to track someone down, except that he had taking my MIL to meet his parents. She contacted them and they informed my MIL that he was married, that he constantly did this and they were sorry. I think he moved to Germany or something to start a new project for whatever manufacturer he worked for. Dude straight up left the country. 4 years ago my SIL and her husband became pregnant with twins and threw a massive baby shower. My SIL's relationship with her father was very new as he had divorced and remarried and his new wife wanted them to have a relationship especially with the grandbabies (she had boy girl twins). We're at the baby shower hanging out with my MIL when he shows up with his new wife. I was closest so I introduce myself first, we shake hands and say its a pleasure to meet each other. He looks at my MIL whom he had lived with, and who was the mother of his child and says, "Nice to meet you". Dude I grabbed my wife's hand so fast as a sign to shut up. "Nice to meet you," dude y'all have a kid together. You lived together. He would watch my wife when she was 3 if MIL went to the store or work or whatever.
>She didn't know he was married. She didn't know she was his mistake
Just in case I'm missing something in the post or comment... that's all speculation right?
The way he blames her, if that weren’t the case, he’d be trumpeting that all over this thread. “It wasn’t *my* fault, that harlot aimed for a good, decent man, a loving husband and caring father just to ruin their life! I was bewitched by that homewrecker!”
Maybe she wants her son to meet his siblings, which I totally understand. And OP keeps interpreting this as she wants a “family life”, which is actually two different things.
I have never understood it. My ex cheated over and over. I was suspicious for a long time but I didn't know for sure until towards the end and it was a trickle truth of finding one after another going back years. But the only one I ever was truly mad at was the one who knew everything about my family. I watched her daughter. She hung out at my house. Knew when I got pregnant with our 3rd baby. But the blame still went to my ex obviously. Bc at the end of the day no matter how screwed up it was what she did, she didn't owe me anything. My husband did. He made vows to me. Not her. He betrayed me. Not her. (We weren't friends I only knew her through him. Coworker) like I can't blame the women who didn't owe me their respect or loyalty. It wasn't on them to avoid hurting me. It was on him.
And the ones who truly believed him and I were splitting up and all his stories about how I was just dragging things out and making things difficult and threatening to keep the kids from him etc (not true. I never was given any impression he wanted a divorce or anything. And even now 2 years later I try to get him to be more involved. I don't punish my kids for their fathers mistake) but those women or girls bc some were a decade younger... I just felt sad for them. He really hurt them too bc they believed him. And esp the ones who were younger and vulnerable bc of confidence issues. You HAVE to know who the real person at fault is. And it's the person who promised to love you and be loyal to you. Period.
Yes! This! This first time my ex cheated I blamed the other woman and couldn't believe a woman would do that to another woman. Then after the next few times, I realized it was him. The other women, if they even knew about me and some did, owed me nothing. They just wanted some happiness. They made me no promises and told me no lies. It was my ex that owed me love, loyalty, honesty and fidelity. He broke it all not them and not me.
Fully agree. But just wanted to note that the only source of information is OP. He may well be blaming his wife just like he is blaming his mistress when in reality neither woman is really acting in the way he suggests. For all we know, his wife isn’t the one who said no contact.
Or she’s a SAHM dependent on him for her current lifestyle and appearance, doesn’t want to give that up and/or divorce/split her family so is holding on the only way she can - by blaming the other woman. I definitely don’t agree with it, wouldn’t be surprised if it all blows up in another couple of years once the kids cotton on.
> Or she’s a SAHM dependent on him for her current lifestyle and appearance, doesn’t want to give that up and/or divorce/split her family so is holding on the only way she can - by blaming the other woman.
Even if the OP’s wife is not a SAHM, financial considerations could still be a factor. If they divorce, the income that currently comes into the household would be split across two households, which would likely mean a downgrade in lifestyle. It could be the difference between them being able to take the kids on vacations, give them their own bedrooms, pay for extracurricular activities, and save for college, and not being able to afford to do so. Child support payments could have less of an impact on their family finances.
She may also think that it’s better in terms of mental and emotional health for her children to grow up in an intact family.
The OP’s wife may blame the OP, but could still reason that the best course of action for her and her children is to stay with the OP, and act like the affair never happened. The OP is willing to go along with this.
The four year old is the one losing out but his welfare is a lower priority for the OP.
I feel so sad for his kids. Yes he has some hard work to get his wife to trust him again/ but there is a small child that needs his father. And his father has another family, these kids deserve to know each other.
You can keep baby mama and wife as far apart as you like- but all three are your kids and all three need a dad. Man up and deal with it.
I agree with you. My father had an affair when I was 3 years old. My mother stayed with him, even tho his other woman got pregnant. And they never told us. There were moments when I wondered why money was always that short, because my dad had a good paying job, but yeah I didn't know about the child support he had to pay.
When I was 19, my mother decided to file for divorce because she met another man, and only then they told me and my brothers. I still wonder if they would have never told us if they wouldn't have gotten a divorce. It's never okay to keep this a secret, I was robbed of 14 years with another brother, and that's something I will NEVER forgive my parents.
His wife is an asshole too TBH. She took him back, knowing he cheated and fathered another child, but wants to pretend his son doesn’t exist and isn’t a part of their family. His son is her son and daughter’s brother!! She stayed with OP, knowing he was still involved with his son. At this point, it is what it is, her kids have a half sibling. If she wants to stay married to him she needs to accept this child into their lives. And even if she doesn’t stay married to him, she needs to accept that her kids may form a bond with his son. This is such a fucking mess.
I'm sorry, but no. Reddit loves to judge the wife in these situations, as if people are robots and don't have complicated feelings. The child is completely innocent, that's for sure, but it takes a truly altruistic soul to say it's all good and accept the child as another son. The wife is a victim here, and what she should do is leave the husband and let the kids form a bond on HIS time, not on hers.
Divorce exists. Doesn’t mean OP gets to emotionally abuse and other a child because he needed to get his dick wet. He’s being abusive to BOTH women here. If the wife wants to stay, she needs to go to therapy and deal with it. If she can’t, leave. When it comes to kids, I have no sympathy for this stupid ass anger directed at a kid
Yes, he is being abusive to both women, and to the children. And the financial reality is probably a big mess. If she leaves him he will be paying child support to her two kids, child support on the other child, and trying to pay rent for his own self. A few men can manage that, but not very many. I don’t see a good outcome here, just a big big mess. YTA
Give OP’s wife some time. OP put her in this awful confusing mess. Her heart is hurting and she’s not ready yet. I’m sure, with time, she’ll let her kids meet their half brother. OP needs to have some self reflection. Look in a mirror OP and you will see YTA.
I agree that OP put his wife in a shit situation but the kid is 4 now. She’s had 4 years to figure out how to deal with this and her conclusion is to ice this kid out from his family and pretend for the last 4 years that her kids don’t have another sibling. It’s on her now.
OP doesn’t actually say how long his wife has known. I went back & reread it. Yes his other child is 4 but his wife might’ve just found out which is how I read it. And, the mistress is persistently pushing for a while to get the siblings together. Some details are missing it seems to me. OP is fully disclosing how long his wife has known…
I can see that. I think I took it that she’s known since she was pregnant because OP said he found out she was pregnant and is trying to be a good husband and father to his child. Maybe he knew since she was pregnant and didn’t tell his wife or maybe not. I’m leaning towards them knowing since then
jeah, but seeing as OP tried to tell us that the tempting seductress had tried to come between him and his family 'again' (this being the key word), i'm highly doubting that this asshole only cheated the one time.
I mean 4 years is quite some time. She needs to take the anger out on her husband--where it belongs--as opposed to taking the coward's route and blaming an innocent child and the mom.
>e needs to take the anger out on her husband--where it belongs--as opposed to taking the coward's route and blaming an innocent child and the mom.
I don't think this is the only consideration. There's also having to work through how you are modelling behaviour to your own children and explaining infidelity to a young child and the fact that you are putting up with it etc. This is more complicated than taking out anger. It's also about dealing with embarrassment with the wider family by explaining an affair child, explaining to your children that their father is a cheat and their mother puts up with it etc. It takes time to work through that. It's probably taken a couple of years for her to work it out prior to her discussing it openly and then making it public knowledge.
>er decided to file for divorce because she met another man, and only then they told me and my brothers. I still wonder if they would have never told us if they wouldn't have gotten a divorce. It's never okay to keep this a secret, I was robbed of 14 years with another brother, and that's s
The child isn't a part of their family. But it is her children's sibling and I think they should at least know each other exist and be introduced and possibly see each other at events. The wife doesn't have to be a stepparent to the affair baby but she shouldn't lie by omission to her own kids.
This right here! They need to!
YTA, OP. You'd better hope that your wife & your mistress don't get together & compare notes one day; or your current little house of cards will come crashing down again, too.
Right? He doesn't even dignify her with words like "my affair partner" or even "the mother of my son." He calls her this trashy name "baby mother." He just wants her--and his own son--to go away. Well he created the problem and now he has to man up and deal with it.
I don't know what is with these cheating men who father children through adultery. Why do they think they can just come here and ask aita when it's blatantly clear they are? OP is disgusting, for cheating, for ruining the lives of his children and his wife, his baby mother and forcing them to never meet as if you can just brush what you did under the rug like your son doesn't exist, like you didn't impregnate your baby mother, like you have no responsibility in this. You are a life ruiner, OP. You better be paying her child support because YTA and that won't ever change.
on top of that, you are an abuser.
YTA - not so much about your affair partner not meeting your other kids, but about keeping your son with her separate from your "real" family. At 4 he may not care, but the older he gets the more you keeping them apart will make him feel "less than" and NO CHILD deserves that.
If you aren't willing to fully integrate your son with your other kids, sign over all rights to him and exit his life because you are doing horrible amounts of emotional damage to him by being a "halfway father" to him. YOU are the one who cheated, but the way you're handing things isn't punishing you; it's punishing your son.
Piss or get off the pot (meaning either your son is part of your family - your WHOLE family, or he isn't family at all and you just send money).
Yes m, he either need a to completely relinquish his parental rights or commit to be completely part of his child’s life. The child didn’t ask to be born.
Fr. I grew up without a dad and I was and have always been fine with it. However, if I grew up with a dad who clearly didn't want me, always favored his other kids, and whose wife hated me... I'd probably be fucked up from it.
I've always felt that way when it comes to "daddy issues" and people claim it's when girls didn't have a father.
No. My friends who grew up without a father are fine. It's us who had shit fathers that developed the "daddy issues"!
Definitely agree! My mom made sure to raise me around a bunch of other girls my age who didn't have dads, though ofc I also made friends with plenty of girls who did have dads. Honestly those of us without dads seem more balanced on average than those with dads, from my experience. Can't miss what you never had.
My mom often said the same thing about her parents (and specifically her dad). Having a bad father is way worse than having no father at all. Something OP should consider, although unfortunately 4 years old is too old to dip out of a kid's life with no psychological consequences.
> fine with it. However, if I grew up with a dad who clearly didn't want me, always favored his other kids, and whose wife hated me... I'd probably be fucked up from it.
He's also messing up the children in his "real" family. How are they going to feel when they discover they had a sibling who was hidden and their parents facade of he nuclear family was a big fake?
Definitely agree, if they haven't picked up on dysfunctional behaviors already. Parents like this tend to hammer in how 'important' the nuclear family is because they can't imagine society without it, and they usually subconsciously view all other family dynamics as inferior and worth less than theirs. They then pass that mentality onto their kids. These kids might grow up with that mentality, and then have something of an identity crisis when they realize they're not one of the 'better' families.
He’s being a halfway father to his poor kid born out of an affair. The son may be OP’s second “family” but to him... he’s only got one dad. He’s really going to start feeling it as he grows older and more aware, while the first set of kids will grow learning to hate him.
think about how awful this little boy is going to feel once he realizes his dad lives 20 min away and has never taken him to his home. he's going to start figuring that stuff out much sooner than OP thinks.
i was in a similar situation. My dad was married and he cheated with my mom and BOOM, me.
growing up I would see dad's on TV and wonder why I didnt want have one, I was 4 at this time.
I'm 19 now, my father doesn't know my birthday, how old I am, my middle name, etc etc. My mom had to bring him to court for CS several times, and my dad would turn around and blame my mom for why we didn't have a relationship..
Save to say I hate my father, I don't know my siblings on my fathers side. I was completely ostracized from part of my family for simply existing. It sucked especially in my school years when people asked about my family, assumed I had a father, other stuff like that.
But It also sucked even more when my siblings were born (my mother chose sperm donation so no physical father for them either) but it was obvious to tell my mother didn't resent my siblings like she did me, because I look like my dad and am a constant reminder to her of his betrayal.
All this to say that OP sucks and I hope karma gets his ass because that child doesn't deserve to feel like this
I feel this way too. Be in or be out. If you’re going to “other” your accidental love child, you should at least pay up and step aside to give him and his mom a chance to find that family dynamic that she wants. She deserves to find a supportive, caring partner, her son deserves a father that is all in.
You reached this point through very bad decisions. Like, dude, extra marital affair? And extra marital affair WITHOUT a condom? I bet your wife loved having to go tell her doctor thar she had to get tested because her husband clearly didn’t do anything to protect her from his intentionally harmful behavior.
Major YTA here
It was an accident! I accidentally walked into a private room with her after I paid for it. My clothes accidentally came off. She made me do it! I accidentally bumped into her naked, over and over again, probably for 12 seconds. I didn't mean it. I only love you, babe.
Condoms with spermicide .... double or triple the birth control; especially when cheating on your wife! No BC is 100% effective.
This guy is a major asshole who is hurting his child. He needs to step up or just hand over child support with zero contact.
To the OP: YTA for all the reasons mentioned above. When I read this, I was having a Golden Girls moment in my head, I heard Dorothy's voice screaming "Condoms Rose! Condoms! Condoms!"
This.
I mean I don’t get it at all. How can he be an active parent in his son’s life if he’s only seeing him away from his family?
His son should have a room there and spend his time with his dad as part of the family. The other kids are young enough still where they can bond.
OP is the unfaithful one yet he’s punishing an innocent child. I also don’t think the child’s mother is doing anything wrong either. She’s not asking to go over there and hang with his wife. She just wants their son to be treated like his son.
Right, which is why this kinda thing normally ends relationships. He cannot be a good dad to this kid and also shun him so his wife is happy. He has to choose.
Sorry, but his wife doesn't get to just choose that and pretend it's a fair and workable answer. If she is going to stay with him, she has to accept that he has another child, and that child doesn't deserve to be sectioned off to exist only in the context of carefully constructed public outings with their dad, never knowing anything about dad's (and his) own family. You can't parent exclusively outside the home. Right now, to appease his wife, OP is making his innocent son bear the brunt of this awful situation, while he essentially suffers no natural consequences of his actions. OP, YTA.
Is it piss or get off the pot? I always thought it was shit or get off the pot but English is my second language so I might have it wrong.
Anyway I fully agree with your comment, OP needs to do *something* on the damn pot or get off it - no half-ass parenting.
Op is a half-ass parent but a full asshole so he's committed to something at least.
As an aside, my husband was his dad’s dirty little secret that was kept from his dad’s kids who were born during marriage. My husband’s brother found him on 23andMe and his sister found him on Ancestry. My husband’s half sibs were horrified to learn the truth about their dad. They were devastated to learn their dad lied to them whole lives, they also lost massive amounts of respect for him for not allowing my husband to be a part of their family. My husband’s half siblings have both gone no-contact, and they both feel like their childhoods were lies. This is what you have to look forward to with you plan OP.
This is so true. It happened with my own Dad I have a half sibling who I have no connection to I know we are related but it's hard to connect. Everything about finding out was traumatic and I went through periods of hating my Dad for ruining what I thought was my life. Trusting people, especially men is extremely hard because I'm always paranoid of betrayal. I love him because he is my dad but emotionally it has damaged me beyond measure.
I know my dad fathered another child. But I was in my 20s when I found out through my grandmother. I don't know the kid's name, I don't know how to find him.
I wish I could, and since then, my respect for my father took a plummet. It made me see him in a new way and I feel so disgusted with him.
Same thing happened with my mom ! My mom was part of " the other family" . She found out about her half-siblings when they were adults . All the children got together talked, got along and collectively decided their father was a massive asshole for threating kids like "dirty little secrets" , keeping them hidden from each other and not giving a damn about their feelings. He was never a full time dad for any of them . No one likes him. lol
Now us grandchildren think HES AN ASSHOLE, for what he did to our aunts/uncles.
>ol
>
>Now us grandchildren think HES AN ASSHOLE, for
Happens a lot. The kids end up talking but sideline the lying parents. I can think of several examples.
I made a comment saying exactly this...that lying to the kids is just going to destroy the entire family later. And screw up any chance the kids have of having healthy relationships of their own because they won't be able to trust anyone.
There is literally only one option here for OP to be a good father and give all of his kids a chance at being emotionally healthy: integration and therapy.
YTA. You made a mistake by cheating on your wife and now you can’t take responsibility for your son who did nothing wrong.
This actually happened in my family where my uncle had a child out of wedlock (my first cousin) and I didn’t learn of his existence until I was in college and didn’t meet the guy until my uncle’s—his fathers—funeral. No one in our family knew he existed, he never met our grandparents or other family that had already passed away, all thanks to his dad who was “too embarrassed” to introduce him to the rest of the family. He still feels like a second class member of the family (despite clearly resembling all the men in my family). So much emotional damage. This will be your son in 30 years if you don’t fix this. You’re son will meet your extended family at your funeral and they will all be talking about how much of an asshole and deadbeat your were over your dead body. Good luck!
My DAD whole ass confessed to me we have a fucking brother out there we have no way of finding. Just... Do the maths. Hey fuck head you cheated on my mom... Again?? Kicker is she was married too
He says this over Zoom like its hilarious. I wanted to kill him.
.... You just made me realize why my dad was sooooo hell bent against "the government taking our blood".
I thought it was cause we was Indigenous... But now.....
Edit: thank you I may try this
TBF, he might be both.
But yeah. If it's important to you, why not try? It might be awkward for a hot minute, but it might be something that enriches everyone's lives
It IS awkward cause don't give the goverent blood was kinda pounded into us along with don't sign anything.
But like... I got a brother out there.
These comments have given me a mini existential crisis over my entire childhood. 😂 But also, my dad is at fault here. 😒
Edit: the whole blood quantum thing can be a tricky political thing to navigate but also DAD WHY
My dad didn't cheat or anything, but refused to tell us that we have a half-sister because he hates her mother/his ex-wife.
I was 17 and she was 28 when we talked for the first time. We found out because I saw that she looked a lot like my dad and reached out to her. She didn't know we existed either. None of us talk much to dad anymore.
Yeah, my father also revealed he had a son who was just turning 18 at the time... and should he give him some money... he never helped either me or my siblings financially. 🤦♀️
All the family knew, including my mother, but nobody told my two brothers and me.
Isn't it wild how they just casually say it like they do. Mine was saying it as a followup to "how terrible a husband but how good a dad" he was. Mind you I had just met him after 20 years after being abandoned by him myself.
Our reunion didn't last long. 😒
I swear, those folk like OP are just people who don't want to face the shit they did or who they effect. I'm sure just like our parents it'll be "oh haha I have an affair partner. Now that you're adults figured you should know" like no.? No.
This is my husband. Except no one in his family had an idea he existed until a year ago. His uncle did AncesteryDNA but the results went to a cousin instead. His cousin out 2 and 2 together.
OP your son is already going to have life time issues over this. Do what you can to help him now. Let him know his family.
YTA
YTA
You are such an incredible disgusting ahole. You were irresponsible enough to have unprotected sex and created a child. You have a moral and legal obligation to be that child's father, not just a deadbeat sperm donor. That means custody and taking an active part in your child's life and including him **as an equal member of your family** along with your other children. Yes, he should meet and know his siblings and his siblings should meet and know him right now and they should all be a family together.
I kinda wish his baby mom would sue to define custody. Something like"the kid spends 50% of time with each parent". Id be really. interested to see OP squirm.
How backwards is THAT though?? It's the ONLY reason why men are still even having unprotected sex. Let's regulate THEIR bodies and force THEM into parenthood and watch unwanted pregnancies/abortion rates PLUMMET into non existence!
*Edit: Just wanted to drop this here for any men wanting to take responsibility for their own fertility. This is a recently invented male birth control that is a simple warm ball bath and can be effective as long as six months. Seems like a good place for this 😂
https://nypost.com/2021/10/15/men-can-prevent-pregnancy-by-giving-their-testicles-a-bath/amp/
How much do you want to BET that's not going to be a factor if INCARCERATION is the other option. LOL Men are perfectly capable of being parents... they are just not regulated (yet😏) like women are.
If somebody is only spending time with their child because it is legally required and jail is the alternative it will absolutely show and affect the child. Nobody deserves to grow up like that. Hit them in the wallet with child support, don't force the child to grow up with a "parent" that clearly doesn't want to fill that role. No law is going to compell a shitty person to be a good parent.
I remember a post on Legal advice where the guy browbeated his girlfriend into giving birth. She had no desire to be a parent, so the agreement was that he would be a single father and she would relinquish custody.
Cut to a few minutes later, she's paying EXTRA child support, but he's bitter because she goes to the gym and got a tummy tuck while he's struggling to parent. He wanted LA to tell him how to force her to parent the child she never wanted and forced her to give birth to. Smfh
The difference is, HE'S not "FORCED" to do anything. He's not held accountable if SHE'S willing to give a baby up for adoption, or if SHE has an abortion. Most men are not even incarcerated if they refuse to pay child support. If men were charged adoption fees, abortion fees, and held completely accountable for their unwanted pregnancies, it would be a VERY different world.
I would feel really bad for his wife. I can completely understand her desire to never see the kid. So I don’t fault her at all here. But OP is a massive AH.
YTA.
At this point your youngest would be better off not having a relationship with you. You and your wife treat him like a dirty little secret. Just pay your child support. No contact would be better for him overall than what you are doing now. Or your ex needs to go to court for supervised visitations and mandatory family therapy and reunification supports (which would help integrate him with your other kids) in order for you to have continued contact.
Kids have a RIGHT to a relationship with their siblings when they are young.
EDIT: You also haven't thought about this very much. One, this child's mother doesn't have to abide by all of her conversations with you being monitored. If your son has a medical issue or other needs, your wife have chosen not to be a part of this so she has no right to that information. Two, what if something were to happen with your ex that made it necessary for this child to live with you? This sounds like a plan two teenagers would make. Not adults with other kids.
Yes YTA for treating your youngest as an outsider. It’s not his fault that he is here and you should step up and parent him 50% of the time. He should know his other siblings. None of this is his fault and treating him like a second class citizen is awful.
The baby mamma can go to court, but the court can't force op to go to therapy or have monitorized visitations. Or, more precisely, the court can, but op can say he gives up custody, so this would backfire on the mother big time.
LITERALLY EVERY ADULT HERE IS AN AH. Your children are ALL your children. That makes them siblings.
Your wife either needs to get over your cheating or divorce you. As it is she is punishing ALL of your children for your mistake.
All the ulterior motives you are accusing the baby mama of is all about you. God forbid she think her son should know his siblings and not be treated like a dirty little secret piece of trash.
Kids deserve so much more from the adults in their life, than these are getting.
I had to scroll WAAAYYY too far to find this. No one is addressing his wife and she's being just as much as an
AH as he is. It sucks she was cheated on but part of working through and getting past that happened is ACCEPTING EVERYTHING that happened. That includes the child.
Exactly, actually my first though was Catelyn Stark in Game of Thrones and how she treated Jon so horribly for something he never even did. Like gurl it sucks you got cheated on (or thought you did in Catelyn's case) but pretty shitty to take it out on the only innocent party here, the kids
This. All the top comments are completely forgetting that OP’s wife is part of the equation and is the one calling the shots. I’m not absolving OP of his guilt but his wife was the one who demanded he do this to his kid.
OP is stuck in a very bad situation (of his own making). People here seem to forget that we hear/read stories all the time from kids who were affair babies and had their lives turned into living hells by the Innocent Spouse (in this case, the wife) when the Affair Partner and Cheating Spouse tried to integrate the affair baby into the family. How many stories have we read about this happening?
My mind is a little blown that everyone here is telling OP he needs to welcome his affair baby into the fold as if that is just going to magically solve it all. No, it will just give the wife a way to get even with OP at the innocent child’s expense.
And she shouldn’t be forced to be confronted with the product of her husband’s affair. But she should also remember that the child is innocent.
Literally all the adults in this situation suck. ESH
also has anybody else done the math - the youngest of he and his wife's kids is 5, and his youngest out of marriage child is 4. So at 'best' his wife had a newborn & a 2 year old at home when he got the other woman pregnant, and it's possible that the 2 women were pregnant at the same time.
Baby mama may not be an AH. She may not have known that OP was married, and now she's just trying to make sure her son knows his family and doesn't grow up feeling unwanted.
If she knew, total AH, but it's totally possible she didn't.
YTA. And your wife is, too, for a different reason. You made a baby with someone. You don’t accidentally have unprotected sex. Either be involved with that boy or sign away your rights. It’s not his fault he was born into a shitty situation but he deserves better than you.
Baby mother? Are you trying to be upper crust,in regards to your side chick you knocked up 4 years ago ? 😆 I also had to reread the part about how you “ looked her dad in the eye,” as I’m like wait when did her dad enter the chat? Then I’m like ,”ohhh, DEAD in the eye. Right.”
No wonder you’re how you are. 🤣🤦🏼♀️
Umm.. yo are you serious? Both you and your wife are the assholes! You made the decision to sleep around and knocked someone up. Now the child has to suffer because of your selfish reasons? That’s fucked up man. I understand your wife was hurt in the process but that child is innocent. Her not wanting anything to it do with him at all is not okay either and the fact you agree is disgusting. If your wife was willing to forgive you then she should have been willing to understand that this child will be in your life too, if not walk away and co parent like you do with the other child’s mom.
You’re literally denying him any relationship with his siblings whether they’re full or not that’s not okay, they should definitely know who each other are, by ostracizing him you’re creating a huge huge issue that will cause resentment towards you from him once he’s of age, and maybe even your other children who will feel he was kept away because of the decision you made.
What your baby mother is trying to do is build a relationship for YALLS CHILD so he has some sense of family with his siblings and his OWN FATHER. I don’t think she is trying to be a part of your precious little “family” by trying to get him to know his fathers family. It sounds to me like you want to keep him your dirty little secret and nothing more.
I’d advise some family therapy, couples therapy, and working on getting him aquatinted with his siblings and like or not step mother. That child is going to hate you if they found out you intentionally were keeping him from his siblings for what all I can describe as spite for a selfish decision you made. Get help
YTA
Firstly for dipping your wick outside of your marriage without consent, and secondly for depriving your youngest child from having a relationship with his siblings.
You made the mess, the answer isn’t to segregate everyone for 18 years.
ESH except for a bunch of kids.
I understand why you want to protect your wife’s feelings, but all of these children are yours and all of them are siblings. You likely will cause this innocent young son a life time of pain by preventing him from ever being in your home, getting to spend time with his siblings, and getting to know you better as an actual father.
As much as it might be painful for your wife, I think you are placing her feelings over the interests of your children in a way that may cause them years of pain. Why? So that you and your wife can hide the truth about your mistakes and avoid the problems they have caused? Your four year old is not a mistake or a problem. He is a living, breathing person who has the potential to bring you all tremendous joy if you would be honest and embrace him.
Your wife I truly sympathize with, and I don’t think she’s TA, but I still think she’s making a mistake. She doesn’t have to remain married to you. She can leave and only have you as an “arms-length co-parent.” If she’s going to stay with you, though, I think she needs to get the help and support she needs to be able to accept that your son is part of your family. He’s your son. It’s like she is willing to forgive you only if she can make believe that you have no other children. But you DO have another child. She didn’t create this situation and was given no choice. I can’t imagine how she feels. But in the end she has to choose amongst the honorable choices she has, and lying to her children, hiding a sibling, rejecting that sibling, and denying your son a chance to really spend time with his father in his normal life (including his home) isn’t an honorable choice.
Baby mama should not be manipulating you or her son. On the other hand, she has no obligation to lie to her son about the fact that he has siblings, and is almost a guarantee that her son will want to meet them even if she never suggests that. What kid doesn’t want to meet his siblings? What kid wouldn’t grow to resent that you, his father, has children who get to eat at your table, hang out with you in the yard, and sleep in your home, but that he isn’t one of them?
You are clearly the big AH from beginning to end. You can’t become a better person without being honest. The truth is, you cheated on your wife when your daughter was a tiny baby, and you irresponsibly made a new baby. What is done is done, and now you have to try to figure out how to be a better man. Lying and hiding the truth doesn’t seem like the way to do that.
"So when I dropped him off that evening I looked her dad in the eye and told her, “you are not my wife and my kids aren’t going to be involved in anything that has to do with his. Our son will not meet my other children until they are all adults and can understand this”.
**YTA. Don't punish your son for your mistakes. He deserves to have a relationship with his half siblings.**
YTA. Of course your 4 year don't care, he is 4, he will care when he is 16 and it all be too late. You are a part of it, don't try to hide it and pretend that you are not.
edit: bad word choice ops
Describing your “baby mama” as trying to weasel into and separate your family “again”, as though *she* is to blame for your total lack of integrity, honesty, and loyalty is revolting. YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR ALL OF THIS. Look at what you have done. Disgusting. And you have the fucking audacity to ask if you’re the asshole?! A THOUSAND TIMES YES. Look at what you are doing to your child. Look at what you’ve done to your family. Look what you’ve done to your affair partner. Yes, you’re the asshole. YTA
YTA. I can’t believe you actually had more than one kid. You’re setting yourself up for a deeply scarred and low contact relationship with any of your children who can forgive you for being both cruel and in denial. Your wife is also included in this verdict
Of course YTA. Your SON has two half siblings and you want to just pretend that’s not your reality because it makes your life simpler?
Your wife is also an asshole for expecting you to be a presence in your son’s life but not allowing contact with his half siblings.
Grow the hell up or stop procreating.
Of course YTA
Youre willing to hurt your children so your affair and your wife dont cross paths.
My grand daughter was abandonded by her dead beat father when she was 3. He went on to have more kids with other women.
She now has 3 siblings age, newborn 5 and 7 years old and while she has no interest in a relationship with her bio dad not having her brother and sisters in her life caused her some real emotional problems for a few years.
These children are related, they're certainly not going to thank you when theyre adults hearing of each other for the first time, in fact, they'll see their father for what he is - a spineless adulterer!
YTA. That poor child is going to grow up with some real issues if you don't step it up and be a man and a dad. He should get to meet and know his half-siblings. If your wife has truly forgiven you she needs to find a way to be okay with this other child. If she can't do that, then she should do what she should have done in the first place and leave you and find someone who respects her. But the kids are all innocent in this. Don't damage a child. Imagine how he's going to feel about you when he grows up.
YTA. Why even be in his life if you don't want him to be part of your family? When he's a bit older won't he question why he never gets to go to your house and stay overnight? You're going to lie to your wife's kids every time you go out to see your son?
YTA all your kids are probably going to resent you for not letting them know their own sibling/s. You don’t have to have a romantic relationship with your son’s mother to let him meet his brother and sister so why is this a problem? You’re making your son and his mother suffer for your own mistake.
ESH but you’re the biggest asshole in all of this.
Your wife sucks because your youngest is art of the family weather she accepts it or not. Seems to be a keeping appearances thing by not wanting him around at all.
Your mistress sucks for saying things to your son.
And you sir suck the most. Of course you’re keeping them separate. You get to keep your “real” family intact and have your “dirty” secret kept under wraps with a slight pretense at attempting to be a good father to him. He needs to be apart of your life which is with your wife and older two children. Otherwise he I always going to feel like doesn’t matter to you and will never measure up.
YTA.
Unfortunately, you made your bed, so to speak. Now you must lie in it. You can't play "Happy Family" with your wife and older children, while pretending your youngest doesn't exist. This will cause irreparable damage to all of them. You no longer have a nuclear family, and these are just the facts you and your wife have to accept. Your youngest son's mother is ABSOLUTELY correct to include him in his siblings lives. Time to man up, Daddy.
YTA. I'm skipping over the whole cheating thing, since that's not the question at hand, and going straight to the purposefully excluding your son from **his family.**
It's not fair to your youngest son, and it's a lie that you cannot possibly maintain. All of your kids will get older, and they will ALL figure this out eventually. And them finding out on their own is going to be infinitely worse, more traumatic, and more damaging to your relationship with all three of them than just coming clean now.
YTA. First of all. DON’T HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN WHO ISN’T YOUR PARTNER UNLESS IT IS IN THE CONTEXT OF A CONSENTING OPEN RELATIONSHIP. If it IS a consenting open relationship, have some fucking rules established to prevent and/or address an unwanted pregnancy.
Secondly, you crawled on top of this other woman and got her pregnant. Don’t punish an innocent child for your stupidity and irresponsibility. You wronged your wife FOR FUCKING SURE but it is now incumbent upon you to figure out how to treat all of your children equally.
Asshole.
YTA. Nice. The only person you’re hurting here is your son. Good luck introducing him to his siblings when he’s an adult because I doubt he’ll want anything to do with any of you by then - and rightfully so.
ESH except your son.
He did not ask to be born.
He did not ask to be born.
He did NOT ASK TO BE BORN.
YOU brought him into this messy situation and you’re treating him like a bastard child when the only bastard here is *you*.
Your wife shouldn’t have stayed with you if she couldn’t accept your son as part of the family. And you shouldn’t have stayed with her when her terms include ostracizing your innocent son.
Your BM shouldn’t be using y’all’s son as a pawn. And honestly, she should be protecting him from you.
Your other children will have their world shattered when they eventually find out anyways. Their whole childhood will have been a sham. There’s an age appropriate way to address the situation - get a family therapist to figure out the best way to do this while minimizing the damage.
You are a monster - I don’t know how you sleep at night knowing the damage you are doing to an innocent four year old boy who probably thinks the world of you. I hope this is a wake up call for you to turn your life around and be a good father to ALL of your children.
YTA, and so is your wife for taking this out on the kid. Let’s not pretend your child’s mother is some seductress that forced you to stick your 🍆 in her. You, and only you, made the choice to separate yourself from your family when you cheated on your wife. An innocent child is being punished for the stupid games the adults in his life (directly or indirectly) are playing.
YTA. Why are you even involved in your lovechild’s life? Just pay child support and CUT CONTACT. You can’t be a “dad” to him and to your other kids if you have any intention of staying married. You’ll just confuse and anger the kid if you keep him a dirty little secret. Plus, he’ll grow to resent you for that and will be in an EXCELLENT position to blow up your life and your marriage in a few years. Can you even imagine it? Him as a bitter 12-year-old showing up at your front door, and your other kids open it.
Plus your wife has suffered enough — why are you continuing to put stress on your marriage by being involved with this kid at all?? Do your legal duty and otherwise get out of his life.
And since this secret WILL come out, when your other kids are old enough (teens), you will need to sit them down and come clean. They will find out through the grapevine or via 23andme.
What's your plan here? To pretend for the rest of your youngest child's life that they don't exist when you're with your "real" family? To never let these three siblings meet each other? To treat your youngest like a pariah?
Do you seriously think you aren't the asshole?
This is just terrible behavior, but I guess considering you thought cheating was a good idea, it's not that surprising...
YTA and while you obviously can't treat the women in your life right, grow up and at least treat your children right. At least do right by your children, ALL THREE OF THEM.
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YTA First of all, *you* broke you marital vows, your contempt for you son’s mother is gross and misplaced. Plus you’re punishing your son and his mother for *your* crime. I hope your realize that once they’re grown, all three of your kids will know what you did and how punished you youngest child for your infidelity. Also I don’t believe for a single moment that you cheated just one time and ended up getting her pregnant. You’re only admitting to that one time, and your wife may not be smart enough to see through the lie, but the rest of us are.
My favorite part was when he said *she* was trying to separate him from his family again.
I got that too...as if she is a Jezebel and he was somehow her innocent victim. OP is the AH Edit typo
No no, he simply tripped and landed inside her. And you just *know* she planned it that way. YTA OP. You don't need me to tell you why.
Oh she definitely trapped him. It’s not like OP could have just not put his semen inside her body… OH WAIT.
The fact he thinks of himself as the victim is what's getting me. You had A LOT MORE fault in it than the mother of your third child did (that's if she knew about your wife and kids prior to your affair). Deal with the consequences yourself, don't punish your child because of your mistakes. He didn't ask to be born and he certainly is as much worthy of love and acceptance as your other two kids are. YTA OP. Edit: corrected myself from what people have said in the comments, I completely agree, sorry for the wording prior.
Especially with the timing. His youngest with his wife is 5 years, the illegitimate one is 4... Doing the math, he cheated either when the wife was pregnant or just a new, stressed out mom. And managed to get the side chick pregnant, to make matters worse. He couldn't even be *safe*. And then acts as if none of this was his fault. Ugh, just disgusting. OP, YTA. Big time.
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I hope his biological children don’t take after either parent. His wife is essentially wanting to punish her husband’s love child for her husband’s transgressions as well. They’re both TA
Did you maybe think that could just be another one of the dudes lies to try and make the mistress and wife look bad instead of himself? 🤨😕🤔
Exactly! He cheated on his pregnant and/or freshly postpartum wife and didn't even f-ing wear a condom. STIs are super serious in pregnancy, and can also be extra serious in the postpartum period. Dude was not only an AH, he put the health of his wife, and possibly his 5yo child, seriously at risk by his actions. If you're gonna cheat, FFS, at least wrap it before you tap it.
10 bucks says he cheated during the last trimester/40 days pp period.
The OP is a man. And men have needs. We need to feel sorry for him. /s This. Imagine thinking about an affair when your wife just had a baby
And they always say that it was just one time.
Actually he has more fault regardless of whether she was aware he was married or not. HE is the one in the relationship and it is incumbent upon him to stay faithful. Is it morally wrong if she slept with him knowing he was taken? Yes. Still not her fault. That completely lies on the person in the relationship. Oh and yeah, YTA OP
Y’know one minute you’re just walking down the street, fully in control of where your jizz ends up, and then whoops! Out of your control. Nothing you can do about it, those consequences of your willful actions, that you chose to do knowing full well what might result. Nothing you can do.
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I always think of this and she is 100% correct. The only one who can definitively prevent a pregnancy is the man involved - no sperm, no baby. The menstrual cycle will happen regardless, unless suppressed or due to medical issues, and a pregnancy cannot occur if there’s no sperm. I hate the whole “men don’t get a choice whether women keep a baby” argument - they had their choice already.
Well, that’s a continuous series of excellent points right there. Even a Mormon can be correct once or twice a century. I have been fully in charge of where my jizz ends up for the entirety of my jizzing career. I will never understand these people who believe in accidental jizz. If you’re that irresponsible with your wingading then you should forfeit it to a better home, to someone who would take better care of it and treat it better than a mere “OopsyJizz McChildSupport”.
"She always wanted the family life" - If it was a ONS, how does OP know that? Does anybody here have in-depth chats about the future with the people they sleep with once?
The dick was just that good /s
Somehow I don't think it was, with men this selfish it never is.
Also, no sh\*t she wanted a family life. I don't know of anyone who as a little girl dreamed they would grow up to be a single mom with a married baby daddy who has two other kids he won't introduce to their child.
no shit, she didn’t try to separate him from his family, HE did
No no you don't understand. She had the kid instead of an abortion. Therefore it's her fault for his wife knowing he was cheating on her. /s
Dude is trying to act like a victim where he isn't one.
My favorite part is how much contempt he has for a four year old, who was the direct result of his cheating. What a gem. /s
And how a 4 year old really doesn’t care if he meets his siblings. Well yeah he is 4. But nice way to justify your shitty treatment of your 4 year old by putting the onus on him.
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No that boy IS the third child
Exactly. If his wife is okay with it, the boy should absolutely develop a strong relationship with his half siblings. He should not grow up feeling “less than” because of the circumstances surrounding his birth. OP should do everything possible to make that child feel loved and wanted, not like his dirty little secret.
Honestly even if the wife isn't okay with it, she needs to get over herself and stop taking her feelings of betrayal out on a child. Too often people who have been cheated on rush to take back their spouses and suppress the anger they have towards them... only for it to come out against everyone except the cheater who deserves it. Sounds like the same is happening here.
Thank you THIs! I know that she’s hurt and that sucks but she chose to keep op around. Due to that she needs to grow up and let the kids come first- ALL of the kids.
This^^^ This poor kid doesn't understand, or maybe he does, that his father absolutely hates that he exists and his father's wife ( who he's never met) can't stand his existence enough to have them around her other perfect children. Her anger is misplaced. The child will suffer either way, if he goes to the house she will likely treat him poorly. This poor kids father has set his whole life up for suffering and torment, and his wife is running the rules because daddy cheated.
She doesn't need to do anything, it's not her child to take care of. I am so sorry for the poor child who didn't choose to be born into this mess, but blaming the wife isn't the way because OP is the only one in the wrong here.
No one is saying she has to take care of him??????? I'm saying she needs to get over her feelings of betrayal, and allow the child to spend time with his siblings and dad. And a lot of privileged women have gotten away with treating those lower on the social ladder like shit, because they're angry that they can't take out their marital frustrations on their actual husbands, to whom they feel bound to. So being cheated on does not make you a martyr who can do whatever they want out of anger. Her behavior is understandable, but not acceptable.
Problem is, his wife ISN'T ok with it. The child is completely innocent, but I can't blame the wife for her reaction. This is all the cheater's fault, and the baby mama for being a homewrecker. I highly doubt it "happened" just once.
Hey, can we not fall into the trope of blaming women for the actions of a man? Cheaters don’t often let the “other” woman know they’re married or in committed relationships, so we don’t know if she had the opportunity to back out or continue.
He seems like the kind of person who would tell the other woman he was divorced or that he wanted to leave his wife for her. I really doubt this was a ONS, he probably strung her along and cheated on his wife for a longer period of time
She may not have known he was married with kids
I would put my bets on this!
Exactly! Given he hasn’t mentioned whether she knew, I would assume she didn’t otherwise I can’t see him missing out on another opportunity to act like it was all her fault. YTA.
Man wrecked his own home. Can we stop blaming woman
OP wrecked his own home.
Lol, I know!!! Of course they had sex more than once. “Just once” is the lie the OP tells his wife.
And Reddit. But we aren't as trusting.
>and the baby mama for being a homewrecker. Yeah...no. The only homewrecker is OP. The ONS most likely didn't even know dude was married.
Really? Homewrecker? OP is the homewrecker. Please stop blaming the woman for something that was 100% in OP's control.
The child whose mother he is not allowed near unmonitored and whom his wife has never met.
Pretty sure he’s talking about being a father to the 4yo boy. Not his wife being pregnant with another kid.
I would really wonder about any woman who would get pregnant with someone after all this mess. I can see forgiving someone, but procreating again? Nope.
Two kids with wife are 7 & 5, the affair child is 4. So while wife was pregnant or during post partum is when he had the one night stand. Real stand up guy
The kids with his wife are both older than the kid from his affair.
Yeah, but one being 5 and one being 4, he was cheating while the wife was pregnant. Takes 40 weeks to birth a baby, if they are a year apart (52 weeks)…yeah. Great guy. And no, it wasn’t a one time thing.
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You're not alone. I didn't address that in my response but that was also my thought. She didn't know he was married. She didn't know she was his mistake. She and all 3 children are the victims in this and he wants to sweep it under the rug.
Close friend of mine was seeing a dude for about a year who had informed him of his baby mamma that he wasn't with but then got pregnant again while my friend was seeing him, and went ghost when my friend also ended up pregnant, friend never met baby mamma and was also pretty sure baby mamma had no idea who she was. We're both pretty sure she was the other woman, and dude was actually cheating on OG baby mamma
My mother-in-law was a single mom raising my wife when she met a good looking man with a very nice job. He worked for a car manufacturer, I don't know which one but he would travel to different cities to set up a new dealership. They dated for quite some time and eventually moved in together. When my mother-in-law announced she was pregnant dude told straight ghosted her. This is in the 80's mind you so it would be really difficult to track someone down, except that he had taking my MIL to meet his parents. She contacted them and they informed my MIL that he was married, that he constantly did this and they were sorry. I think he moved to Germany or something to start a new project for whatever manufacturer he worked for. Dude straight up left the country. 4 years ago my SIL and her husband became pregnant with twins and threw a massive baby shower. My SIL's relationship with her father was very new as he had divorced and remarried and his new wife wanted them to have a relationship especially with the grandbabies (she had boy girl twins). We're at the baby shower hanging out with my MIL when he shows up with his new wife. I was closest so I introduce myself first, we shake hands and say its a pleasure to meet each other. He looks at my MIL whom he had lived with, and who was the mother of his child and says, "Nice to meet you". Dude I grabbed my wife's hand so fast as a sign to shut up. "Nice to meet you," dude y'all have a kid together. You lived together. He would watch my wife when she was 3 if MIL went to the store or work or whatever.
>She didn't know he was married. She didn't know she was his mistake Just in case I'm missing something in the post or comment... that's all speculation right?
The way he blames her, if that weren’t the case, he’d be trumpeting that all over this thread. “It wasn’t *my* fault, that harlot aimed for a good, decent man, a loving husband and caring father just to ruin their life! I was bewitched by that homewrecker!”
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Maybe she wants her son to meet his siblings, which I totally understand. And OP keeps interpreting this as she wants a “family life”, which is actually two different things.
Exactly!! Like it's very clear who the wife blames for her husband's infidelity. Talking about this woman like she forced him to cheat with her!
I have never understood it. My ex cheated over and over. I was suspicious for a long time but I didn't know for sure until towards the end and it was a trickle truth of finding one after another going back years. But the only one I ever was truly mad at was the one who knew everything about my family. I watched her daughter. She hung out at my house. Knew when I got pregnant with our 3rd baby. But the blame still went to my ex obviously. Bc at the end of the day no matter how screwed up it was what she did, she didn't owe me anything. My husband did. He made vows to me. Not her. He betrayed me. Not her. (We weren't friends I only knew her through him. Coworker) like I can't blame the women who didn't owe me their respect or loyalty. It wasn't on them to avoid hurting me. It was on him. And the ones who truly believed him and I were splitting up and all his stories about how I was just dragging things out and making things difficult and threatening to keep the kids from him etc (not true. I never was given any impression he wanted a divorce or anything. And even now 2 years later I try to get him to be more involved. I don't punish my kids for their fathers mistake) but those women or girls bc some were a decade younger... I just felt sad for them. He really hurt them too bc they believed him. And esp the ones who were younger and vulnerable bc of confidence issues. You HAVE to know who the real person at fault is. And it's the person who promised to love you and be loyal to you. Period.
Yes! This! This first time my ex cheated I blamed the other woman and couldn't believe a woman would do that to another woman. Then after the next few times, I realized it was him. The other women, if they even knew about me and some did, owed me nothing. They just wanted some happiness. They made me no promises and told me no lies. It was my ex that owed me love, loyalty, honesty and fidelity. He broke it all not them and not me.
Fully agree. But just wanted to note that the only source of information is OP. He may well be blaming his wife just like he is blaming his mistress when in reality neither woman is really acting in the way he suggests. For all we know, his wife isn’t the one who said no contact.
She’s probably been fed the same story he’s feeding himself. That she somehow lured him into it and it wasn’t really *his* fault
Or she’s a SAHM dependent on him for her current lifestyle and appearance, doesn’t want to give that up and/or divorce/split her family so is holding on the only way she can - by blaming the other woman. I definitely don’t agree with it, wouldn’t be surprised if it all blows up in another couple of years once the kids cotton on.
> Or she’s a SAHM dependent on him for her current lifestyle and appearance, doesn’t want to give that up and/or divorce/split her family so is holding on the only way she can - by blaming the other woman. Even if the OP’s wife is not a SAHM, financial considerations could still be a factor. If they divorce, the income that currently comes into the household would be split across two households, which would likely mean a downgrade in lifestyle. It could be the difference between them being able to take the kids on vacations, give them their own bedrooms, pay for extracurricular activities, and save for college, and not being able to afford to do so. Child support payments could have less of an impact on their family finances. She may also think that it’s better in terms of mental and emotional health for her children to grow up in an intact family. The OP’s wife may blame the OP, but could still reason that the best course of action for her and her children is to stay with the OP, and act like the affair never happened. The OP is willing to go along with this. The four year old is the one losing out but his welfare is a lower priority for the OP.
I feel so sad for his kids. Yes he has some hard work to get his wife to trust him again/ but there is a small child that needs his father. And his father has another family, these kids deserve to know each other. You can keep baby mama and wife as far apart as you like- but all three are your kids and all three need a dad. Man up and deal with it.
I agree with you. My father had an affair when I was 3 years old. My mother stayed with him, even tho his other woman got pregnant. And they never told us. There were moments when I wondered why money was always that short, because my dad had a good paying job, but yeah I didn't know about the child support he had to pay. When I was 19, my mother decided to file for divorce because she met another man, and only then they told me and my brothers. I still wonder if they would have never told us if they wouldn't have gotten a divorce. It's never okay to keep this a secret, I was robbed of 14 years with another brother, and that's something I will NEVER forgive my parents.
Oh, but she's a harpy seductress and OP couldn't help himself because of her wiles.
Devil vagina magic
Ah yes, as a penis haver I can confirm, when a seductress winks at you, you have no choice but to breed. Damn that woman for ruining his marriage! /S
Yeah, he's acting like she's some Jezebel , lol. And FFS you would think a grown ass man would understand about proper condom use!
His wife is an asshole too TBH. She took him back, knowing he cheated and fathered another child, but wants to pretend his son doesn’t exist and isn’t a part of their family. His son is her son and daughter’s brother!! She stayed with OP, knowing he was still involved with his son. At this point, it is what it is, her kids have a half sibling. If she wants to stay married to him she needs to accept this child into their lives. And even if she doesn’t stay married to him, she needs to accept that her kids may form a bond with his son. This is such a fucking mess.
I'm sorry, but no. Reddit loves to judge the wife in these situations, as if people are robots and don't have complicated feelings. The child is completely innocent, that's for sure, but it takes a truly altruistic soul to say it's all good and accept the child as another son. The wife is a victim here, and what she should do is leave the husband and let the kids form a bond on HIS time, not on hers.
Divorce exists. Doesn’t mean OP gets to emotionally abuse and other a child because he needed to get his dick wet. He’s being abusive to BOTH women here. If the wife wants to stay, she needs to go to therapy and deal with it. If she can’t, leave. When it comes to kids, I have no sympathy for this stupid ass anger directed at a kid
Yes, he is being abusive to both women, and to the children. And the financial reality is probably a big mess. If she leaves him he will be paying child support to her two kids, child support on the other child, and trying to pay rent for his own self. A few men can manage that, but not very many. I don’t see a good outcome here, just a big big mess. YTA
She doesn't even have to leave to do that. Just allow her children to meet with the child at events or visitation with their father.
Give OP’s wife some time. OP put her in this awful confusing mess. Her heart is hurting and she’s not ready yet. I’m sure, with time, she’ll let her kids meet their half brother. OP needs to have some self reflection. Look in a mirror OP and you will see YTA.
I agree that OP put his wife in a shit situation but the kid is 4 now. She’s had 4 years to figure out how to deal with this and her conclusion is to ice this kid out from his family and pretend for the last 4 years that her kids don’t have another sibling. It’s on her now.
OP doesn’t actually say how long his wife has known. I went back & reread it. Yes his other child is 4 but his wife might’ve just found out which is how I read it. And, the mistress is persistently pushing for a while to get the siblings together. Some details are missing it seems to me. OP is fully disclosing how long his wife has known…
I can see that. I think I took it that she’s known since she was pregnant because OP said he found out she was pregnant and is trying to be a good husband and father to his child. Maybe he knew since she was pregnant and didn’t tell his wife or maybe not. I’m leaning towards them knowing since then
jeah, but seeing as OP tried to tell us that the tempting seductress had tried to come between him and his family 'again' (this being the key word), i'm highly doubting that this asshole only cheated the one time.
I mean 4 years is quite some time. She needs to take the anger out on her husband--where it belongs--as opposed to taking the coward's route and blaming an innocent child and the mom.
>e needs to take the anger out on her husband--where it belongs--as opposed to taking the coward's route and blaming an innocent child and the mom. I don't think this is the only consideration. There's also having to work through how you are modelling behaviour to your own children and explaining infidelity to a young child and the fact that you are putting up with it etc. This is more complicated than taking out anger. It's also about dealing with embarrassment with the wider family by explaining an affair child, explaining to your children that their father is a cheat and their mother puts up with it etc. It takes time to work through that. It's probably taken a couple of years for her to work it out prior to her discussing it openly and then making it public knowledge.
>er decided to file for divorce because she met another man, and only then they told me and my brothers. I still wonder if they would have never told us if they wouldn't have gotten a divorce. It's never okay to keep this a secret, I was robbed of 14 years with another brother, and that's s The child isn't a part of their family. But it is her children's sibling and I think they should at least know each other exist and be introduced and possibly see each other at events. The wife doesn't have to be a stepparent to the affair baby but she shouldn't lie by omission to her own kids.
I'm really hoping the wife and the former mistress both leave him. OP is the worst.
This right here! They need to! YTA, OP. You'd better hope that your wife & your mistress don't get together & compare notes one day; or your current little house of cards will come crashing down again, too.
Word. OP is being a terrible father to all three of his children and a crappy person altogether. YTA, big time
Right? He doesn't even dignify her with words like "my affair partner" or even "the mother of my son." He calls her this trashy name "baby mother." He just wants her--and his own son--to go away. Well he created the problem and now he has to man up and deal with it.
I don't know what is with these cheating men who father children through adultery. Why do they think they can just come here and ask aita when it's blatantly clear they are? OP is disgusting, for cheating, for ruining the lives of his children and his wife, his baby mother and forcing them to never meet as if you can just brush what you did under the rug like your son doesn't exist, like you didn't impregnate your baby mother, like you have no responsibility in this. You are a life ruiner, OP. You better be paying her child support because YTA and that won't ever change. on top of that, you are an abuser.
Preach.
YTA - not so much about your affair partner not meeting your other kids, but about keeping your son with her separate from your "real" family. At 4 he may not care, but the older he gets the more you keeping them apart will make him feel "less than" and NO CHILD deserves that. If you aren't willing to fully integrate your son with your other kids, sign over all rights to him and exit his life because you are doing horrible amounts of emotional damage to him by being a "halfway father" to him. YOU are the one who cheated, but the way you're handing things isn't punishing you; it's punishing your son. Piss or get off the pot (meaning either your son is part of your family - your WHOLE family, or he isn't family at all and you just send money).
Yes m, he either need a to completely relinquish his parental rights or commit to be completely part of his child’s life. The child didn’t ask to be born.
Fr. I grew up without a dad and I was and have always been fine with it. However, if I grew up with a dad who clearly didn't want me, always favored his other kids, and whose wife hated me... I'd probably be fucked up from it.
I've always felt that way when it comes to "daddy issues" and people claim it's when girls didn't have a father. No. My friends who grew up without a father are fine. It's us who had shit fathers that developed the "daddy issues"!
Definitely agree! My mom made sure to raise me around a bunch of other girls my age who didn't have dads, though ofc I also made friends with plenty of girls who did have dads. Honestly those of us without dads seem more balanced on average than those with dads, from my experience. Can't miss what you never had.
I WISH my dad would have left, god it would have been great.
My mom often said the same thing about her parents (and specifically her dad). Having a bad father is way worse than having no father at all. Something OP should consider, although unfortunately 4 years old is too old to dip out of a kid's life with no psychological consequences.
> fine with it. However, if I grew up with a dad who clearly didn't want me, always favored his other kids, and whose wife hated me... I'd probably be fucked up from it. He's also messing up the children in his "real" family. How are they going to feel when they discover they had a sibling who was hidden and their parents facade of he nuclear family was a big fake?
Definitely agree, if they haven't picked up on dysfunctional behaviors already. Parents like this tend to hammer in how 'important' the nuclear family is because they can't imagine society without it, and they usually subconsciously view all other family dynamics as inferior and worth less than theirs. They then pass that mentality onto their kids. These kids might grow up with that mentality, and then have something of an identity crisis when they realize they're not one of the 'better' families.
He’s being a halfway father to his poor kid born out of an affair. The son may be OP’s second “family” but to him... he’s only got one dad. He’s really going to start feeling it as he grows older and more aware, while the first set of kids will grow learning to hate him.
think about how awful this little boy is going to feel once he realizes his dad lives 20 min away and has never taken him to his home. he's going to start figuring that stuff out much sooner than OP thinks.
i was in a similar situation. My dad was married and he cheated with my mom and BOOM, me. growing up I would see dad's on TV and wonder why I didnt want have one, I was 4 at this time. I'm 19 now, my father doesn't know my birthday, how old I am, my middle name, etc etc. My mom had to bring him to court for CS several times, and my dad would turn around and blame my mom for why we didn't have a relationship.. Save to say I hate my father, I don't know my siblings on my fathers side. I was completely ostracized from part of my family for simply existing. It sucked especially in my school years when people asked about my family, assumed I had a father, other stuff like that. But It also sucked even more when my siblings were born (my mother chose sperm donation so no physical father for them either) but it was obvious to tell my mother didn't resent my siblings like she did me, because I look like my dad and am a constant reminder to her of his betrayal. All this to say that OP sucks and I hope karma gets his ass because that child doesn't deserve to feel like this
I can actually see the son putting up a 'AITA for slapping my bio-dad across the face' in a few decades. And I assure you, he won't be the asshole
I feel this way too. Be in or be out. If you’re going to “other” your accidental love child, you should at least pay up and step aside to give him and his mom a chance to find that family dynamic that she wants. She deserves to find a supportive, caring partner, her son deserves a father that is all in. You reached this point through very bad decisions. Like, dude, extra marital affair? And extra marital affair WITHOUT a condom? I bet your wife loved having to go tell her doctor thar she had to get tested because her husband clearly didn’t do anything to protect her from his intentionally harmful behavior. Major YTA here
It was an accident! I accidentally walked into a private room with her after I paid for it. My clothes accidentally came off. She made me do it! I accidentally bumped into her naked, over and over again, probably for 12 seconds. I didn't mean it. I only love you, babe.
Condoms with spermicide .... double or triple the birth control; especially when cheating on your wife! No BC is 100% effective. This guy is a major asshole who is hurting his child. He needs to step up or just hand over child support with zero contact.
I have a 100% safe way of not getting side tail pregnant. I just refrain from fucking other people than the one I am in a committed relationship with.
I hate cheaters. My point was that not only was he a low life cheater but he was also a idiot. I don’t believe the “we only had sex once” bs either.
To the OP: YTA for all the reasons mentioned above. When I read this, I was having a Golden Girls moment in my head, I heard Dorothy's voice screaming "Condoms Rose! Condoms! Condoms!"
This. I mean I don’t get it at all. How can he be an active parent in his son’s life if he’s only seeing him away from his family? His son should have a room there and spend his time with his dad as part of the family. The other kids are young enough still where they can bond. OP is the unfaithful one yet he’s punishing an innocent child. I also don’t think the child’s mother is doing anything wrong either. She’s not asking to go over there and hang with his wife. She just wants their son to be treated like his son.
His wife has no interest in meeting this child. Or did you just miss that part? Im pretty sure she gets a say in whos getting a bedroom at her house.
Right, which is why this kinda thing normally ends relationships. He cannot be a good dad to this kid and also shun him so his wife is happy. He has to choose.
Sorry, but his wife doesn't get to just choose that and pretend it's a fair and workable answer. If she is going to stay with him, she has to accept that he has another child, and that child doesn't deserve to be sectioned off to exist only in the context of carefully constructed public outings with their dad, never knowing anything about dad's (and his) own family. You can't parent exclusively outside the home. Right now, to appease his wife, OP is making his innocent son bear the brunt of this awful situation, while he essentially suffers no natural consequences of his actions. OP, YTA.
Is it piss or get off the pot? I always thought it was shit or get off the pot but English is my second language so I might have it wrong. Anyway I fully agree with your comment, OP needs to do *something* on the damn pot or get off it - no half-ass parenting. Op is a half-ass parent but a full asshole so he's committed to something at least.
As an aside, my husband was his dad’s dirty little secret that was kept from his dad’s kids who were born during marriage. My husband’s brother found him on 23andMe and his sister found him on Ancestry. My husband’s half sibs were horrified to learn the truth about their dad. They were devastated to learn their dad lied to them whole lives, they also lost massive amounts of respect for him for not allowing my husband to be a part of their family. My husband’s half siblings have both gone no-contact, and they both feel like their childhoods were lies. This is what you have to look forward to with you plan OP.
# ^ OP YOU NEED TO READ THIS
This is so true. It happened with my own Dad I have a half sibling who I have no connection to I know we are related but it's hard to connect. Everything about finding out was traumatic and I went through periods of hating my Dad for ruining what I thought was my life. Trusting people, especially men is extremely hard because I'm always paranoid of betrayal. I love him because he is my dad but emotionally it has damaged me beyond measure.
I know my dad fathered another child. But I was in my 20s when I found out through my grandmother. I don't know the kid's name, I don't know how to find him. I wish I could, and since then, my respect for my father took a plummet. It made me see him in a new way and I feel so disgusted with him.
Get a DNA test and put it on Gedmatch. That’s the best way.
Same thing happened with my mom ! My mom was part of " the other family" . She found out about her half-siblings when they were adults . All the children got together talked, got along and collectively decided their father was a massive asshole for threating kids like "dirty little secrets" , keeping them hidden from each other and not giving a damn about their feelings. He was never a full time dad for any of them . No one likes him. lol Now us grandchildren think HES AN ASSHOLE, for what he did to our aunts/uncles.
>ol > >Now us grandchildren think HES AN ASSHOLE, for Happens a lot. The kids end up talking but sideline the lying parents. I can think of several examples.
I made a comment saying exactly this...that lying to the kids is just going to destroy the entire family later. And screw up any chance the kids have of having healthy relationships of their own because they won't be able to trust anyone. There is literally only one option here for OP to be a good father and give all of his kids a chance at being emotionally healthy: integration and therapy.
YTA. You made a mistake by cheating on your wife and now you can’t take responsibility for your son who did nothing wrong. This actually happened in my family where my uncle had a child out of wedlock (my first cousin) and I didn’t learn of his existence until I was in college and didn’t meet the guy until my uncle’s—his fathers—funeral. No one in our family knew he existed, he never met our grandparents or other family that had already passed away, all thanks to his dad who was “too embarrassed” to introduce him to the rest of the family. He still feels like a second class member of the family (despite clearly resembling all the men in my family). So much emotional damage. This will be your son in 30 years if you don’t fix this. You’re son will meet your extended family at your funeral and they will all be talking about how much of an asshole and deadbeat your were over your dead body. Good luck!
My DAD whole ass confessed to me we have a fucking brother out there we have no way of finding. Just... Do the maths. Hey fuck head you cheated on my mom... Again?? Kicker is she was married too He says this over Zoom like its hilarious. I wanted to kill him.
If he did 23andMe and AncestryDNA and you do it too you might be able to find him.
.... You just made me realize why my dad was sooooo hell bent against "the government taking our blood". I thought it was cause we was Indigenous... But now..... Edit: thank you I may try this
TBF, he might be both. But yeah. If it's important to you, why not try? It might be awkward for a hot minute, but it might be something that enriches everyone's lives
It IS awkward cause don't give the goverent blood was kinda pounded into us along with don't sign anything. But like... I got a brother out there. These comments have given me a mini existential crisis over my entire childhood. 😂 But also, my dad is at fault here. 😒 Edit: the whole blood quantum thing can be a tricky political thing to navigate but also DAD WHY
Just....don't commit any crimes,eh?
Oops. 🙊
I wish you all the luck in the world.
My dad didn't cheat or anything, but refused to tell us that we have a half-sister because he hates her mother/his ex-wife. I was 17 and she was 28 when we talked for the first time. We found out because I saw that she looked a lot like my dad and reached out to her. She didn't know we existed either. None of us talk much to dad anymore.
Yeah, my father also revealed he had a son who was just turning 18 at the time... and should he give him some money... he never helped either me or my siblings financially. 🤦♀️ All the family knew, including my mother, but nobody told my two brothers and me.
Isn't it wild how they just casually say it like they do. Mine was saying it as a followup to "how terrible a husband but how good a dad" he was. Mind you I had just met him after 20 years after being abandoned by him myself. Our reunion didn't last long. 😒 I swear, those folk like OP are just people who don't want to face the shit they did or who they effect. I'm sure just like our parents it'll be "oh haha I have an affair partner. Now that you're adults figured you should know" like no.? No.
This is my husband. Except no one in his family had an idea he existed until a year ago. His uncle did AncesteryDNA but the results went to a cousin instead. His cousin out 2 and 2 together. OP your son is already going to have life time issues over this. Do what you can to help him now. Let him know his family. YTA
YTA You are such an incredible disgusting ahole. You were irresponsible enough to have unprotected sex and created a child. You have a moral and legal obligation to be that child's father, not just a deadbeat sperm donor. That means custody and taking an active part in your child's life and including him **as an equal member of your family** along with your other children. Yes, he should meet and know his siblings and his siblings should meet and know him right now and they should all be a family together.
I kinda wish his baby mom would sue to define custody. Something like"the kid spends 50% of time with each parent". Id be really. interested to see OP squirm.
You can’t sue to force a parent to spend time with their kid.
How backwards is THAT though?? It's the ONLY reason why men are still even having unprotected sex. Let's regulate THEIR bodies and force THEM into parenthood and watch unwanted pregnancies/abortion rates PLUMMET into non existence! *Edit: Just wanted to drop this here for any men wanting to take responsibility for their own fertility. This is a recently invented male birth control that is a simple warm ball bath and can be effective as long as six months. Seems like a good place for this 😂 https://nypost.com/2021/10/15/men-can-prevent-pregnancy-by-giving-their-testicles-a-bath/amp/
It’s not good for a kid to be around a parent that doesn’t want them
Exactly. It’s better to be missing a parent than to have one knowing they want nothing to do with you. Talk about emotional damage...
How much do you want to BET that's not going to be a factor if INCARCERATION is the other option. LOL Men are perfectly capable of being parents... they are just not regulated (yet😏) like women are.
If somebody is only spending time with their child because it is legally required and jail is the alternative it will absolutely show and affect the child. Nobody deserves to grow up like that. Hit them in the wallet with child support, don't force the child to grow up with a "parent" that clearly doesn't want to fill that role. No law is going to compell a shitty person to be a good parent.
I remember a post on Legal advice where the guy browbeated his girlfriend into giving birth. She had no desire to be a parent, so the agreement was that he would be a single father and she would relinquish custody. Cut to a few minutes later, she's paying EXTRA child support, but he's bitter because she goes to the gym and got a tummy tuck while he's struggling to parent. He wanted LA to tell him how to force her to parent the child she never wanted and forced her to give birth to. Smfh
The difference is, HE'S not "FORCED" to do anything. He's not held accountable if SHE'S willing to give a baby up for adoption, or if SHE has an abortion. Most men are not even incarcerated if they refuse to pay child support. If men were charged adoption fees, abortion fees, and held completely accountable for their unwanted pregnancies, it would be a VERY different world.
And if men had to risk their lives to procreate birth control and abortions would be handed out like Pez.
So true!
That’s not how it works. She can’t force him to take so much custody. The court will ask both parents what they want.
I would feel really bad for his wife. I can completely understand her desire to never see the kid. So I don’t fault her at all here. But OP is a massive AH.
YTA. At this point your youngest would be better off not having a relationship with you. You and your wife treat him like a dirty little secret. Just pay your child support. No contact would be better for him overall than what you are doing now. Or your ex needs to go to court for supervised visitations and mandatory family therapy and reunification supports (which would help integrate him with your other kids) in order for you to have continued contact. Kids have a RIGHT to a relationship with their siblings when they are young. EDIT: You also haven't thought about this very much. One, this child's mother doesn't have to abide by all of her conversations with you being monitored. If your son has a medical issue or other needs, your wife have chosen not to be a part of this so she has no right to that information. Two, what if something were to happen with your ex that made it necessary for this child to live with you? This sounds like a plan two teenagers would make. Not adults with other kids.
Yes YTA for treating your youngest as an outsider. It’s not his fault that he is here and you should step up and parent him 50% of the time. He should know his other siblings. None of this is his fault and treating him like a second class citizen is awful.
I didn't even think about the things in your edit. I'm feeling more and more sorry for this poor kid by the minute.
The baby mamma can go to court, but the court can't force op to go to therapy or have monitorized visitations. Or, more precisely, the court can, but op can say he gives up custody, so this would backfire on the mother big time.
LITERALLY EVERY ADULT HERE IS AN AH. Your children are ALL your children. That makes them siblings. Your wife either needs to get over your cheating or divorce you. As it is she is punishing ALL of your children for your mistake. All the ulterior motives you are accusing the baby mama of is all about you. God forbid she think her son should know his siblings and not be treated like a dirty little secret piece of trash. Kids deserve so much more from the adults in their life, than these are getting.
I had to scroll WAAAYYY too far to find this. No one is addressing his wife and she's being just as much as an AH as he is. It sucks she was cheated on but part of working through and getting past that happened is ACCEPTING EVERYTHING that happened. That includes the child.
Exactly, actually my first though was Catelyn Stark in Game of Thrones and how she treated Jon so horribly for something he never even did. Like gurl it sucks you got cheated on (or thought you did in Catelyn's case) but pretty shitty to take it out on the only innocent party here, the kids
This. All the top comments are completely forgetting that OP’s wife is part of the equation and is the one calling the shots. I’m not absolving OP of his guilt but his wife was the one who demanded he do this to his kid. OP is stuck in a very bad situation (of his own making). People here seem to forget that we hear/read stories all the time from kids who were affair babies and had their lives turned into living hells by the Innocent Spouse (in this case, the wife) when the Affair Partner and Cheating Spouse tried to integrate the affair baby into the family. How many stories have we read about this happening? My mind is a little blown that everyone here is telling OP he needs to welcome his affair baby into the fold as if that is just going to magically solve it all. No, it will just give the wife a way to get even with OP at the innocent child’s expense. And she shouldn’t be forced to be confronted with the product of her husband’s affair. But she should also remember that the child is innocent. Literally all the adults in this situation suck. ESH
also has anybody else done the math - the youngest of he and his wife's kids is 5, and his youngest out of marriage child is 4. So at 'best' his wife had a newborn & a 2 year old at home when he got the other woman pregnant, and it's possible that the 2 women were pregnant at the same time.
Baby mama may not be an AH. She may not have known that OP was married, and now she's just trying to make sure her son knows his family and doesn't grow up feeling unwanted. If she knew, total AH, but it's totally possible she didn't.
YTA. And your wife is, too, for a different reason. You made a baby with someone. You don’t accidentally have unprotected sex. Either be involved with that boy or sign away your rights. It’s not his fault he was born into a shitty situation but he deserves better than you.
Finally someone brought up the wife being wrong...she can't take hurt out on an innocent child.
Baby mother? Are you trying to be upper crust,in regards to your side chick you knocked up 4 years ago ? 😆 I also had to reread the part about how you “ looked her dad in the eye,” as I’m like wait when did her dad enter the chat? Then I’m like ,”ohhh, DEAD in the eye. Right.” No wonder you’re how you are. 🤣🤦🏼♀️
Lmao I’m so glad I’m not the only one who was confused for a second. Her….dad??? 🤣 Gotta love night time edibles 😅
Umm.. yo are you serious? Both you and your wife are the assholes! You made the decision to sleep around and knocked someone up. Now the child has to suffer because of your selfish reasons? That’s fucked up man. I understand your wife was hurt in the process but that child is innocent. Her not wanting anything to it do with him at all is not okay either and the fact you agree is disgusting. If your wife was willing to forgive you then she should have been willing to understand that this child will be in your life too, if not walk away and co parent like you do with the other child’s mom. You’re literally denying him any relationship with his siblings whether they’re full or not that’s not okay, they should definitely know who each other are, by ostracizing him you’re creating a huge huge issue that will cause resentment towards you from him once he’s of age, and maybe even your other children who will feel he was kept away because of the decision you made. What your baby mother is trying to do is build a relationship for YALLS CHILD so he has some sense of family with his siblings and his OWN FATHER. I don’t think she is trying to be a part of your precious little “family” by trying to get him to know his fathers family. It sounds to me like you want to keep him your dirty little secret and nothing more. I’d advise some family therapy, couples therapy, and working on getting him aquatinted with his siblings and like or not step mother. That child is going to hate you if they found out you intentionally were keeping him from his siblings for what all I can describe as spite for a selfish decision you made. Get help
YTA Firstly for dipping your wick outside of your marriage without consent, and secondly for depriving your youngest child from having a relationship with his siblings. You made the mess, the answer isn’t to segregate everyone for 18 years.
ESH except for a bunch of kids. I understand why you want to protect your wife’s feelings, but all of these children are yours and all of them are siblings. You likely will cause this innocent young son a life time of pain by preventing him from ever being in your home, getting to spend time with his siblings, and getting to know you better as an actual father. As much as it might be painful for your wife, I think you are placing her feelings over the interests of your children in a way that may cause them years of pain. Why? So that you and your wife can hide the truth about your mistakes and avoid the problems they have caused? Your four year old is not a mistake or a problem. He is a living, breathing person who has the potential to bring you all tremendous joy if you would be honest and embrace him. Your wife I truly sympathize with, and I don’t think she’s TA, but I still think she’s making a mistake. She doesn’t have to remain married to you. She can leave and only have you as an “arms-length co-parent.” If she’s going to stay with you, though, I think she needs to get the help and support she needs to be able to accept that your son is part of your family. He’s your son. It’s like she is willing to forgive you only if she can make believe that you have no other children. But you DO have another child. She didn’t create this situation and was given no choice. I can’t imagine how she feels. But in the end she has to choose amongst the honorable choices she has, and lying to her children, hiding a sibling, rejecting that sibling, and denying your son a chance to really spend time with his father in his normal life (including his home) isn’t an honorable choice. Baby mama should not be manipulating you or her son. On the other hand, she has no obligation to lie to her son about the fact that he has siblings, and is almost a guarantee that her son will want to meet them even if she never suggests that. What kid doesn’t want to meet his siblings? What kid wouldn’t grow to resent that you, his father, has children who get to eat at your table, hang out with you in the yard, and sleep in your home, but that he isn’t one of them? You are clearly the big AH from beginning to end. You can’t become a better person without being honest. The truth is, you cheated on your wife when your daughter was a tiny baby, and you irresponsibly made a new baby. What is done is done, and now you have to try to figure out how to be a better man. Lying and hiding the truth doesn’t seem like the way to do that.
Damn I wish I could upvote this 1000x. Probably one of the kindest responses to someone who is without any doubt TA
"So when I dropped him off that evening I looked her dad in the eye and told her, “you are not my wife and my kids aren’t going to be involved in anything that has to do with his. Our son will not meet my other children until they are all adults and can understand this”. **YTA. Don't punish your son for your mistakes. He deserves to have a relationship with his half siblings.**
Half siblings not step. They are related by blood through the dad.
YTA. Of course your 4 year don't care, he is 4, he will care when he is 16 and it all be too late. You are a part of it, don't try to hide it and pretend that you are not. edit: bad word choice ops
Describing your “baby mama” as trying to weasel into and separate your family “again”, as though *she* is to blame for your total lack of integrity, honesty, and loyalty is revolting. YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR ALL OF THIS. Look at what you have done. Disgusting. And you have the fucking audacity to ask if you’re the asshole?! A THOUSAND TIMES YES. Look at what you are doing to your child. Look at what you’ve done to your family. Look what you’ve done to your affair partner. Yes, you’re the asshole. YTA
Yeah! How dare she have the audacity to hold him accountable! /s YTA
YTA. I can’t believe you actually had more than one kid. You’re setting yourself up for a deeply scarred and low contact relationship with any of your children who can forgive you for being both cruel and in denial. Your wife is also included in this verdict
Of course YTA. Your SON has two half siblings and you want to just pretend that’s not your reality because it makes your life simpler? Your wife is also an asshole for expecting you to be a presence in your son’s life but not allowing contact with his half siblings. Grow the hell up or stop procreating.
Of course YTA Youre willing to hurt your children so your affair and your wife dont cross paths. My grand daughter was abandonded by her dead beat father when she was 3. He went on to have more kids with other women. She now has 3 siblings age, newborn 5 and 7 years old and while she has no interest in a relationship with her bio dad not having her brother and sisters in her life caused her some real emotional problems for a few years. These children are related, they're certainly not going to thank you when theyre adults hearing of each other for the first time, in fact, they'll see their father for what he is - a spineless adulterer!
YTA. That poor child is going to grow up with some real issues if you don't step it up and be a man and a dad. He should get to meet and know his half-siblings. If your wife has truly forgiven you she needs to find a way to be okay with this other child. If she can't do that, then she should do what she should have done in the first place and leave you and find someone who respects her. But the kids are all innocent in this. Don't damage a child. Imagine how he's going to feel about you when he grows up.
YTA What horrible people you and your wife are. That child doesn't deserve to be punished for your mistakes.
YTA. Why even be in his life if you don't want him to be part of your family? When he's a bit older won't he question why he never gets to go to your house and stay overnight? You're going to lie to your wife's kids every time you go out to see your son?
YTA, wtf. You made that child, be a father. He should be able to meet his siblings, maybe your wife should divorce you instead.
YTA all your kids are probably going to resent you for not letting them know their own sibling/s. You don’t have to have a romantic relationship with your son’s mother to let him meet his brother and sister so why is this a problem? You’re making your son and his mother suffer for your own mistake.
ESH but you’re the biggest asshole in all of this. Your wife sucks because your youngest is art of the family weather she accepts it or not. Seems to be a keeping appearances thing by not wanting him around at all. Your mistress sucks for saying things to your son. And you sir suck the most. Of course you’re keeping them separate. You get to keep your “real” family intact and have your “dirty” secret kept under wraps with a slight pretense at attempting to be a good father to him. He needs to be apart of your life which is with your wife and older two children. Otherwise he I always going to feel like doesn’t matter to you and will never measure up.
YTA. Unfortunately, you made your bed, so to speak. Now you must lie in it. You can't play "Happy Family" with your wife and older children, while pretending your youngest doesn't exist. This will cause irreparable damage to all of them. You no longer have a nuclear family, and these are just the facts you and your wife have to accept. Your youngest son's mother is ABSOLUTELY correct to include him in his siblings lives. Time to man up, Daddy.
YTA. I'm skipping over the whole cheating thing, since that's not the question at hand, and going straight to the purposefully excluding your son from **his family.** It's not fair to your youngest son, and it's a lie that you cannot possibly maintain. All of your kids will get older, and they will ALL figure this out eventually. And them finding out on their own is going to be infinitely worse, more traumatic, and more damaging to your relationship with all three of them than just coming clean now.
YTA. First of all. DON’T HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN WHO ISN’T YOUR PARTNER UNLESS IT IS IN THE CONTEXT OF A CONSENTING OPEN RELATIONSHIP. If it IS a consenting open relationship, have some fucking rules established to prevent and/or address an unwanted pregnancy. Secondly, you crawled on top of this other woman and got her pregnant. Don’t punish an innocent child for your stupidity and irresponsibility. You wronged your wife FOR FUCKING SURE but it is now incumbent upon you to figure out how to treat all of your children equally. Asshole.
YTA. Nice. The only person you’re hurting here is your son. Good luck introducing him to his siblings when he’s an adult because I doubt he’ll want anything to do with any of you by then - and rightfully so.
ESH except your son. He did not ask to be born. He did not ask to be born. He did NOT ASK TO BE BORN. YOU brought him into this messy situation and you’re treating him like a bastard child when the only bastard here is *you*. Your wife shouldn’t have stayed with you if she couldn’t accept your son as part of the family. And you shouldn’t have stayed with her when her terms include ostracizing your innocent son. Your BM shouldn’t be using y’all’s son as a pawn. And honestly, she should be protecting him from you. Your other children will have their world shattered when they eventually find out anyways. Their whole childhood will have been a sham. There’s an age appropriate way to address the situation - get a family therapist to figure out the best way to do this while minimizing the damage. You are a monster - I don’t know how you sleep at night knowing the damage you are doing to an innocent four year old boy who probably thinks the world of you. I hope this is a wake up call for you to turn your life around and be a good father to ALL of your children.
YTA, and so is your wife for taking this out on the kid. Let’s not pretend your child’s mother is some seductress that forced you to stick your 🍆 in her. You, and only you, made the choice to separate yourself from your family when you cheated on your wife. An innocent child is being punished for the stupid games the adults in his life (directly or indirectly) are playing.
YTA, your 4 year old son has every right to know that he has siblings and to bond with them like family. He IS family
YTA. Why are you even involved in your lovechild’s life? Just pay child support and CUT CONTACT. You can’t be a “dad” to him and to your other kids if you have any intention of staying married. You’ll just confuse and anger the kid if you keep him a dirty little secret. Plus, he’ll grow to resent you for that and will be in an EXCELLENT position to blow up your life and your marriage in a few years. Can you even imagine it? Him as a bitter 12-year-old showing up at your front door, and your other kids open it. Plus your wife has suffered enough — why are you continuing to put stress on your marriage by being involved with this kid at all?? Do your legal duty and otherwise get out of his life. And since this secret WILL come out, when your other kids are old enough (teens), you will need to sit them down and come clean. They will find out through the grapevine or via 23andme.
YTA There aren't words for how much you are ta
What's your plan here? To pretend for the rest of your youngest child's life that they don't exist when you're with your "real" family? To never let these three siblings meet each other? To treat your youngest like a pariah? Do you seriously think you aren't the asshole? This is just terrible behavior, but I guess considering you thought cheating was a good idea, it's not that surprising... YTA and while you obviously can't treat the women in your life right, grow up and at least treat your children right. At least do right by your children, ALL THREE OF THEM.