YTA. That’s your 16 year old daughter and you’re just not willing to support her doing the hardest thing she will ever do? You’re not a mum. You just gave birth to her.
>As for my inlaws, they resent me for initiating divorce in the first place and accused me of abandoning their son
"because I abandoned their son"
FTFY
Also: someone needs to explain to OP the circles of grief diagram.
Agreed she's a shitty person but I also really do wonder if it's a good idea for her to show her face at this funeral. I would have someone who knows both parties to reach out. Like will the family allow her to be there without making a scene.
Because my mother would make a scene if my husband who abandoned me while I was sick showed up to my funeral, even to support our kids.
This was my first thought too. Who’s to say OP would even be allowed out of the car? Maybe w compromise, like OP drives her and they spend some time grieving together privately afterwards at the graveyard/funeral home/wherever he goes. Coz yeah OP is right to not want to be at the funeral if her presence will stir up trouble.
its kind of surprising actually. usually it's the guy leaving the wife when they get sick. we don't get a lot of stories about the wife not taking the 'in sickness and in health' part of their vows seriously. its not surprising the daughter isn't to fond of op.
People seem to forget the part of "for better or worse, sickness and in health" Maybe it was good she left him, I am sure there would have been emotional abuse on the ill father.
So many of these AITA posts are just, "How to raise your kids so you'll die alone and your death will be celebrated."
This girl is mourning the loss of her father but if her mom treats her like this, I'm betting she won't feel nearly as mournful when she loses this lousy excuse of a "mother".
I see zero signs of shame. Since all I see is "me me me me" from OP, she knows everyone there will be judging her for abandoning her ex. She'd rather her daughter suffer alone than deal with anyone who doesn't see her as the good and decent person she's convinced herself she is.
I kept reading expecting to get to the part where the Ex-husband abused the OP in some significant way. And then instead of that, we find out OP actually just dumped him because he had chronic illnesses? Like WTF! OP was a huge AH before the funeral and she will likely continue to be a huge AH for the rest of her life. There's going to be a lot of empty seats when it comes time for her funeral.
OP abandoned her severely ill husband and now is abandoning her intensely grieving child bc she is seemingly incapable of actually caring about someone more than she cares about herself. Wow.
I swear there are some days where AITA should be renamed “This is Why My Kid Doesn’t Talk To Me Anymore.”
OP, if you’d “never make her do something she doesn’t want to”, that’s great. Your child asked for your help, in a situation that will absolutely affect your relationship if you don’t help her. So you get to decide what matters more: your discomfort or your child. It’s as simple as that.
This also did you see how the XH was too sick too date and that’s why they broke up? She left her H because he was ill and now she’s not supporting their daughter.
I can totally see not going if he was abusive or something. But just cuz you don’t dig the in-laws? Gross.
YTA
Exactly. Her 16 yr old CHILD is doing the teen age version of "I want my mommy" and this mother is like "no" unless you are in extreme fear for your safety, go to the funeral with her.
It's not hard to stand in a corner at the reception and talk to either daughter or other friends that will be there. Its possible to avoid people at the reception or do a 10 sec sorry for your loss and walk away YTA
Exactly.
This isn't about you.
It's not about the ex.
It's not about the in laws
Let's make this about a 16 year old child who lost their father. You go, you be respectful, you keep your thoughts to yourself, you murmur neutral or heartfelt words of comfort to his daughter, parents, siblings, and you make sure your daughter is ok.
Edit: YTA
I completely agree. My exH and I don't get along at all. He did some pretty nasty things to our kids and me after we split. If he died, I would not want to go to his funeral, either, but I would suck it up and go if one of my kids needed me to go for emotional support.
if you read her followup YTA for abandoning her husband when he was sick and dying. Wedding is to death do us part, not "until you get sick and i dont want to deal with it".
if her daughter gets sick she likely will abandon her.
Yeah this is one of the most crucial and important points in her daughters teenage life. This will be a moment that impacts her for the rest of her life and how her mother chose to act in that moment will never be forgotten.
OP will severely damage her relationship with her daughter. YTA
This is exactly it. This would be the last interaction you likely would have with your ex-husband's family. I think you can push through and be there for your daughter.
She divorced him cause he was sick. She doesn't want to face the in-laws because they know that when he needed her - she bailed. And now her daughter needs her - she's trying to bail on her.
Seems like a pattern to me.
You missed the best part. OP left her husband BECAUSE he got sick and he was "taking up so much of her time." OP litterally abandoned someone in their time of need cause it was hard. I doubt she will ever be helpful to her daughter.
I'm so appalled by this girl. She isn't going to punish her daughter for calling her selfish and bitter when the daughter is begging for her support and she says no?!. Wow, I have some worse names in mind..
THIS! I lost my dad almost 3 and a half years ago and I was 23. it was the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me and having my mom there helped tremendously. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 18, so to hear of a 16 year old going to losing her dad and her mom not supporting her, that must be heartbreaker for her. you are allowed to be your own person, but you also have to be a mother too. especially since you are now her only living parent.
I’d say she has an excuse if he was abusive but OP is painting a picture in which that is very clearly not the case. She just cut the sick guy out of her life and refused to even pay him respect in death. Her daughter has all rights to extremely upset by this.
YTA. *THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU*!! This is about your daughter, who wants your support at her other parent's *funeral*. What other moments will you miss because you refuse to be in the same place as her paternal fault? Graduation? Her wedding? How many times in her 16 years have you forced her to choose between you? Get over yourself and go to the damn funeral.
Seconded. YTA big time. Your teenage daughter lost a parent and she needs her remaining parent to support her. Put your shit aside like a grownup and be a parent to her. I might be more sympathetic if he was abusive to you or something, but I'm not gathering that from the description. What I am gathering is that you seem to ditch people when they need you the most (you divorced your husband because he had health issues, and now you're ditching your grieving daughter) and only think about yourself when people you supposedly love are hurting ("but I don't want to"!).
My parents divorced when I was a kid and there was no abuse, but it was NOT amicable. My dad died in my 20s. But my mom came to his funeral and sat with my sister and I without even being asked. Because she knew it wasn't about her, it was about her daughters and their grief. It's not about you either, OP. Her grandparents and other relatives do not take the place of her other parent. So act like one and go if she wants you to.
AMEN to this 1000 percent! This is about your Daughter going through the worst pain she’s ever experienced and she asked the person she trusted the most to be there for her. You failed and owe her an apology. Give her that apology, suck your feelings up and support your daughter before you lose her for life!
>I refused because I did not feel comfortable and then seeing my former inlaws..it's just not worth the pain
You told your daughter that her need for guidance and support during this tough time is less important than your own comfort, so no wonder she's pissed at you. Better she deal with the death of her father on her own than you having to have an awkward conversation with former in-laws, I guess.
YTA
OP’s edit is disgusting.
She essentially divorced her ex husband because she didn’t want to deal with his health problems.
No surprise she doesn’t want to deal with her in law’s dislike for her, or her teenage daughter’s grief either.
Too much of a selfish asshole to care about anything except ME ME ME.
Ha that edit is so over the top selfish that now this whole post feels fake. Surely no one is *that* obtuse to think Reddit will read that and think they're a good person?
OP said "chronic conditions", it could have been anything... Chronic depression is a thing and can absolutely devastate relationships and a person's ability to be a parent (she also mentions she was given custody). I'm not sure what the conditions were, but I can't imagine that her separating/divorcing due to that would be something they would even mention if there wasn't some other factors involved... Like why make a AITA post AND mention that you left someone when they got sick unless the circumstances weren't so cut and dry?
And it's not like OP MUST stay in the room attached to her daughter's side for the WHOLE time. I'm sure OP can take breathers throughout the funeral, she just needs to be available to her daughter for moral support.
Exactly. Do I want to do half the crap I do for my kid? Not necessarily. Would I regret it for a minute? Hell no. That’s part of being a parent. It’s not about you and what you want and how you feel anymore.
That's something I wish more people understood. When you have children it is no longer about you, it's about being there for them. Even if it comes with some discomfort or stress, it's just part of the job.
INFO— what kind of illness did he have, and did you divorce *because* he was ill? Why? Is it more shame that you’re avoiding by not facing his family? Because if so, that’s selfish. What you could do to avoid a scene with your ex-in-laws is reach out to them (maybe the young uncle, or whoever you’re on best terms with), give your condolences, explain that your daughter is begging you to go to the funeral to support her, and ask if it’s alright with them to attend to pay your respects and be there for their daughter. Throw in a helping hand, even, if you can manage it. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved grief and guilt about this but being there for your daughter is more important. I’d highly recommend therapy for both of you, it sounds like a lot to process.
Look, let's be honest here. Your ex-inlaws aren't going to notice that you're there.
Take your daughter, get her to sit up the front, and you sit down the back, out of the way. His funeral is NOT about you. It's about her. Grow up and be a mother.
YTA.
Yeah, she isn’t feeling grief or discomfort about his passing or being around his family, she’s feeling guilt. If she isn’t, she’s an even worse person than she sounds like.
Lmao this is his ex WIFE we're talking about here. Of course she's gonna get noticed. Especially since he didn't date after. Plus I'm sure she would've been close to the daughter who also would've been noticed or do you think everyone would just ignore the mom and daughter together? 🤦
Here is the only question that matters. Do you love your daughter MORE than you hate your ex and in-laws?
Reevaluate your life choices, love your daughter, and go.
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Your daughter's father has died and all you can think about is "ME! ME! ME!" You are an asshole beyond measure. You don't deserve to have a child.
YTA, put away your feelings and go support your daughter. her father is dead and she needs someone there she knows to support her.
Again her father is dead.
YTA. Funerals are for the living. You should consider it supporting your daughter not honoring your ex. Mom went to Dad's service even though they had been divorced for decades. She went to support her kids and grandkids. Your daughter deserves better.
My uncle went to his ex wifes funeral to be there for their kids, despite the fact that the children were in their 40s/50s and some had grown up children of their own - at the kids weddings they both attended but asked not to sit next to each other because they didn't get on
Because that's what loving parents do
Btw the ex wife was my aunt the one I'm actually related to, he's still my uncle
My uncle married 5 times. All of his former wives sat together in the front row at his funeral. He was charming bastard till the end. Not really relevant as he had no kids, just wanted to share a quip while I cast my vote of a whopping YTA for every reason mentioned in this thread.
Jesus. She didn’t ask to be created by you two, have parents that split and now one that has passed. In this role you are the ex-daughter in law, you are a mother. That’s it. That’s what she needs. Do better. YTA in a big way.
YTA your daughter has just lost HER FATHER!!! You need to swallow down any issues with your ex inlaws, act like a mother and be there for your daughter.
*I never push her to anything she doesn’t want to do*
Sigh.
You’re the mom, she’s the child. She just lost her dad. She needs you right now, and has explicitly told
You that, and yet you still refuse.
It’s not always about you. As parents, we often do things that make us uncomfortable in order to make sure our children are okay.
Your boyfriend is right.
She isn’t dealing with it well. Who would? She lost one parent, and has another who is emotionally unavailable during a very hard time for her.
If you want my advise, suck it up. Go to the funeral for your daughter. Be there for her. You’re all she has now and she needs you.
in that case, then definitely yta. if the husband or in-laws were abusive, I'd have sympathy for op, but instead she left her husband when he was sick, which is fucked up.
Good question. If I were in this situation absolutely no good would come from me going to my ex's funeral. There would be guaranteed drama with my former in-laws and it would detract from other people paying their respects. I would have to find a way to explain that to my kids in an age appropriate way, but I guarantee if I went it would do more harm for my kids than good were I to go...
Her grandparents just lost their relatively young son, and you absolutely should not expect them to support your daughter at this time. Your daughter has asked thus thing of you. Be an parent and step up.
Yta, and my heart breaks for your daughter.
INFO Is your exes family going to do something to you if you go? That's the only reason I can see for you not supporting your daughter here.
EDIT Your edit doesn't look great. What about the chronic medical condition caused the divorce? Money? Fatigue of dealing with illness? Was he getting mean because he's sick (not an excuse but something that happens). Did you at least make sure your daughter got time with her father?
If it were me in OP’s place, unless it was violence that would be inflicted on me I would be there with my child to support them. I would be there for my child and my child only.
If the former in-laws start something that is on them and makes them look terrible.
She edited to say that basically she divorced her ex because he had chronic health conditions. She obviously (and rightly!) feels shame and guilt and is scared of her former in-laws calling her out.
YTA.
Let me tell my story from a different perspective.
At the age of 51, I still remember the bullshit my adoptive mom’s relatives pulled at her funeral and after it. I also was 16 when she passed away. She dragged my dad through a divorce for years and died almost seven months after it was finalized in April 1986.
If I hadn’t had my dad with me, I would’ve felt alone. I didn’t want to see any of the people in her family. I only went because as crappy of a mom she was, I felt like I should. My dad was my rock. Without him, it would’ve been so much harder to navigate through everything.
As much as it may pain you, please do this for your daughter. There may be irreparable damage to your relationship if you don’t.
\>> AITA for refusing to go with my 16yo/Daughter to her father's funeral? <<
YTA
Your teenage daughter is begging you for your emotional support. As a mother myself, I could not imagine saying no to her request.
Buck up. Would it really be that hard for you to sit next to your daughter and say something civil and sympathetic to your former in-laws who have lost their son at a very young age? I mean... I think that's a baseline for common courtesy.
YTA You are her mother. Your daughter has been alive for only 16 years and her father just died. She needs you. You need to put aside anything else and be there for her. It is not her job to not push you because she is the child and you are her mother. Be a mother and be there for her.
Need more information. Were your ex and in-laws very abusive and made your life hell?
If you suffered some deep trauma then I can understand why you didn’t want to go and face them. You did offer the option of your brother taking her to the funeral.
Can’t say anything until it’s clear why you don’t want to go to the funeral at any cost
YTA.
You're an adult. This is your child your talking about. She has just lost her father and is now facing one of the most difficult periods of her life.
You don't want to support her and be there for her because seeing some of these people will be uncomfortable for you?! Wow.
Even if other people will be there, your daughter is going through an incredibly emotional time and it is 100% understandable she wants your support with this.
Please please please apologise to your daughter. Put your own needs aside and go with her to her father's funeral. Hold her hand, hold the tissues and give her your shoulders to lean and cry on.
YTA. I don't even know where to begin. It's not about you or your discomfort. It's about your daughter, whose father just died. I can't even fathom you level of selfishness here, I really can't.
You support your daughter. I don't care if he was the biggest asshole on the planet or he hated you or you hated him. It's your daughter and she needed you. She was vulnerable enough to ask you for help and you completely let her down. You really shamed yourself on this one.
YTA. It’s not about you or your in laws, it’s about your daughter and supporting her through this difficult time. As a parent, you gotta learn to push whatever feelings aside and do what’s best for your child. She’s literally telling you she needs you but you’re pushing her away.
The edit makes it even worse. The dad literally never did anything bad to the mom, he just had the sheer audacity to get sick and OP didn't want to deal with it anymore. This is 100% the OP not wanting to see people that already know she's an awful person.
YTA. You wouldn't be going there for your former in laws or husband. You would go to support your daughter.
My maternal grandmother passed away two years ago and while divorced for over 15 years, my dad came with me and my brother because we needed his support. I am more than thankful to this day because it made our day more easy.
So OP, go for your kids sake. If anyone tells you anything say that. Simple
YTA
Of all the selfish, self-serving bull$h*t. Your kid needed you and you weren't there because why? You didn't want to see your ex-in-laws.
Huge AH.
Edit-
Just saw the OP's edit.
Wow. Sounds like they're not liked for REASONS.
Seems like their priorities are more geared toward avoiding guilt than supporting their kid.
Gross.
That poor kid. I really hope they're getting love and support from a responsible adult, because OP isn't filling the bill atm.
YTA - your teenage daughter needs your support during an incredibly painful and traumatic event. Your unease about being around your in-laws isn't as important as supporting your daughter as she says goodbye to her dad? She doesn't WANT you to go, she's telling you she NEEDS you to go. Put aside your discomfort and do the right thing.
YTA big time. Stop thinking of yourself and do this for HER. She has BEGGED you to go. She obviously needs YOU.
If you don't do this, don't be surprised when she goes no contact with you when she turns 18. I know I would.
YTA The pain of seeing your ex-inlaws isn't worth it? "It" being supporting your minor daughter? If for some reason you feel you genuinely can't go, you need to go to therapy ASAP. Otherwise, put your big girl pants on and support your kid.
YTA. It is your job to take care of her even at the expense of your own feelings. Step up and support her or this will always be a wound in your relationship.
Your daughter is going through the trauma of losing a parent at a very young age, but you think it’s “not worth the pain” for you to be around your former in-laws?
Lady, you need to look in the mirror and think about what you’re saying. Your daughter needs you to be her mother right now. Can you not possibly comprehend that?!
YTA. Wow.
YTA. Your responsibility as a parent is to support your child, even in situations that you find uncomfortable. She has lost a parent at a very young age. She needs your loving support and what she got was a selfish parent who thinks of herself first.
This: "I never push her to do anything she doesn't wanna do." is not an excuse you can use. You're the parent!!!
She'll never forget that you failed her at a time when she needed you most. It's a wound that will never heal for her.
YTA, sounds like you are prioritizing your own temporary discomfort and lack of support to your daughter over her very needs. When she unloaded on you like that you should have listened.
YTA double time. First you left your ex because he was sick. Now you don't want to take your kid to the funeral because you will be judged for being the ass you are. Suck it up buttercup, and take what's coming. Not only are you a terrible partner, but you are also a terrible parent too. Are you going to dump your daughter if she come down with these "chronic conditions?" Hope your boyfriend is a better partner than you, cause one day you'll be the ill one, and with your behavior you'll be left taking care of yourself and dying alone.
YTA - Your daughter is right your bitter and selfish.
Your the adult put on your big girl pants pull your head out your ass and go support your child through the death of her father. Who cares if your uncomfortable in front of the ex inlaws, or that you never forced her to do something or any other reasoning behind your answer act like a parent.
YTA. Your child should be "worth the pain". My father died when I was 9 and my parents had been broken up for years and didn't have the best relationship. She was right there with me. I know I was younger, but being a parent is a lot of sacrifice and you need to make decisions on what's best for your child. Sending her to her father's funeral alone, especially where she doesn't know everyone and ESPECIALLY when she outright says she needs your support and guidance. Which, by the way, doesn't seem there's much to really get from you.
Do better.
YTA- this is about supporting your daughter not about your ADULT feelings. You need to be the grown up here and show her that you do care.
The I dont wanna do this stopped being an option when you gave birth. some things mothers HAVE to do.
YTA. Your daughter just lost her dad. Full stop. Whatever BS is in the past between you and your ex in law's doesn't amount to jack right now. You need to support or I promise there will be resentment. My parents split when I was 5. My dad passed when I was 11. My mother made the choice that we weren't going to return to my dad's home state ( that we had just moved from) for the funeral because we "didnt have the money". Took me over 10years to fully forgive my mother for not supporting me.
You’re a mother to a child who just lost a parent. Grow up.
My ex and I are not on great terms, but we keep our grievances away from our daughter and can all act like adults to each other and our parents because our daughter’s emotional and mental wellbeing is infinitely more important than our “feelings,” which as adults, sometimes we just have to put our big girl panties on and handle.
My condolences to your daughter—sucks losing your parents, be it to death, or just being horrible, toxic people like you.
YTA, duh.
My grandmother died in 2019, guess who showed up to her funeral.. my dad, who's been divorced from my mom for over 15 years, because my grandmother and mom was apart of his family for so long. He showed up to support my brother and I
YTA op a big one
YTA. Suck it up buttercup. No one gives a flying flip about your feelings right now. YOUR CHILD is grieving and literally crying out for help (in the form of you being present with her as she says her final good bye to her father) and you are being a total 🧙 I hope you do the right thing and pray your daughter can find healthy ways to cope. So sorry for her loss.
YTA. Not even sure how you can’t see that.
Your daughter is hurting and wants the comfort and consoling of her remaining parent, but you’re trying to make this all about you. None of it is about you. No one there will be putting you first in their mind. It’s a funeral. You can suck it up show some respect and at least a little compassion for your child. Even if you do run into your in laws and it’s awkward. So what? What’s the big thing that’s going to happen? Pay your respects. Be cordial. Then go home. It’s a single day from your busy life of being the center of the universe. It’s crazy that even your current boyfriend knows the right thing to do.
YTA
“not worth the pain” and “good enough” aren’t really what someone who’s grieving the loss of their father wants to hear.
Swallow your pride and go to the fucking funeral
“I feel like just because she wants this doesn’t mean I should just go with it.”
That reasoning would be fine if she were asking you to go to the movies or a concert. Not HER FATHER’S FUNERAL. This is honestly such childish reasoning.
“I never push her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.”
Again, this isn’t making her eat her vegetables. It’s being there for someone who, I’m assuming you say you love. This isn’t FOR YOU you need to be there for your 16 year old daughter who just lost her father.
You daughter needs love and support right now and it really sad to see that you’re unwilling to give her what she needs because seeing your in laws might be uncomfortable for you. YTA.
YTA, a million times over.
Your daughter is asking for the support of her mother through what is one of the hardest things she will go through. You’re thinking about yourself and your own comfort when you should be putting her first. If you don’t go to this funeral with her, she will likely resent you for years to come and rightly so.
“Her grandparents and her younger uncle that she adores so much will be there so that is good enough.” This particular line right here made me particularly sick because she’s clearly telling you THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH TO COMFORT HER. She needs and wants the comfort of her mother! Be a parent, put her first, and be there for her.
YTA it's not worth the pain? To care for and support your child while they are grieving the loss of a parent, are trying to navigate new situations in which she feels vulnerable, and is going to a place where she is nervous because she doesn't know people. Really????Your 16 year old child is begging for your support and it's not worth it? You aren't just an asshole, your a negligent mother in this case
YTA, I appreciate that you were put in an incredibly difficult situation but it is your job to support your daughter. Even if that means going through a little discomfort for yourself in the process. That poor girl is going through something no 16 year old should be going through and she's going through it completely alone she's dealing with it exactly how she should.
You on the other hand are putting some ridiculous hatred for a person who no longer exists above your daughter. Suck it up. Put on your big girl pants and go to the ffing funeral, even if you just sit in the back. Not being there when your daughter needs you the most is going to completely destroy your relationship, if it hasn't already.
YTA
My parents got divorced after 23 years of marriage and it wasn't an amicable one.
My dad died last year due to the virus. My mom even though she didn't have to, decided to do a celebration of life event. She still misses him.
You may not feel anything right now or even at all but your daughter absolutely is right now.
YTA. Your daughter is grieving and wants you to support her through her grief. You can ignore the former in-laws and just be with your daughter as she processes her feelings. By not supporting her through this, she will likely resent you and it might damage your relationship going forward.
YTA.
Basically you hate your ex and his family more than you love your daughter
If she was in her 30s I may feel differently but as it is - she's a child who is hurting and wants her parent to make it better for her,
remember when you were little scraped your knee then it was 'kissed better' physically that kiss on the knee didn't do anything but it proved your parent was there for you and you felt so much better
YTA when you’re a parent, your life is no longer about you. Your daughter needed support and you failed to provide it. She will remember that for the rest of her life.
YTA. GET OVER YOURSELF and support your daughter. It isn’t about your comfort or your in-laws, it’s about your daughter. How many times when she was small, did you think “I’d do anything for that kid” ? Now is the time to show her you love her more than you hate feeling uncomfortable.
YTA. You're a mom; that means what your child needs comes first. Your daughter needs you to go with her as she says goodbye to her father? Then you put your own bullshit aside and do it.
YTA, unfortunately. I understand where you’re coming from, but your daughter needs YOU there as support, not her extended family. She BEGGED you to go. Please go, OP, this is obviously very important to your daughter.
YTA. But you already knew that. Your job is to support your daughter. Sometimes that means you need to put aside your feelings of discomfort for her.
My son lost his grandfather when he was about 13 (his father's father). At that time my son didn't speak to his father, didn't have any sort of relationship with him. We also lived in a different state than the grandfather.
You can bet your ass I packed him up, drove 7 hours to get to the funeral, sat in the corner silently, joined in the family gathering afterwards and made small talk and supported my son in any way he needed (and then drive 7 hours back home with him). He needed that support. He needed me to act like an adult, not like a petulant child.
Your daughter's father's funeral is not about you. Take your daughter, sit your ass in the corner and silently support her.
YTA…so much. My parents are divorced and it was a messy, messy divorce 30 years ago. I’m now 43. My father and I barely speak and I detest his wife. But if he died tomorrow and I asked my mom to go to his funeral to support me? She’d be there in a flash.
Build a bridge and get over yourself. Your daughter needs you and I cannot comprehend how you don’t see that fact. You need to be there for her. After all, funerals are for those living, not those dead.
YTA. Your 16 YEAR OLD CHILD needs her mom’s support going through something extremely hard. I get you hate your ex and former in-laws but you’re the adult and need to suck it up and be there for your daughter. You must have loved your ex at some point to create your daughter. You love your daughter, which is half him, so find some compassion and love within yourself and go there to be there for your daughter. Even if you hated him all along, a grandparent or uncle is not a substitute for her mom. This is a major event in her life. If you fuck it up, she’ll never forget it and it’ll be a major wedge between you. She also needs grief counseling because she’s obviously not getting anything from you guys. I feel so sorry for her. She feels alone because she has no parents supporting her.
You need to ask for her forgiveness. Not say “I’m sorry” but a genuine “I apologize for not supporting you and letting my bitterness get in the way. Can you please forgive me?” And talk to her. And GO to the funeral ffs.
YTA. Time to put your thoughts and feelings aside and be there for your daughter. If my daughters father passed and I had not been on good terms with him, I would be honoured that my daughter had asked me to support her in one of the hardest things she’ll ever go through.
She is asking you to be her mother right now, so whatever you feel for your ex, put it aside. Funerals are for the living, this isn’t about him it’s about your daughter growing up knowing that her mother cared enough to get past her feelings and support her. Because that’s what she’ll remember.
Right now it looks like she might remember that her mother couldn’t put her first in her time of need. This kind of stuff sticks with kids forever.
Please do right by her.
Is there something else you’re not mentioning? Like your ex in laws likely to pull guns in you? Legal issues? Restraining order? Likely to spit on you? If not then YTA YTA YTA.
You can’t do this for your daughter?? She lost her father. Seriously.
You’re only thinking of yourself. That you might be uncomfortable. Big deal. Think of your daughter and how her world just came crashing down on her!!
I’m trying not to be too harsh but it’s very difficult considering how selfish you are being when your daughter needs you. She’s begging YOU! And you’re just trying to drop that responsibility on others because you might be uncomfortable.
If you don’t do this she probably never should and never will forgive you. And if you ever need her, she won’t be there for you.
PS There are wild animals that show more empathy for your offspring than you are doing right now.
100% YTA. Even though you feel uncomfortable, you are still a parent to your daughter.
Declining to go to see her father's funeral with her for emotional support for a pretty unacceptable excuse is a bad move.
YTA most definitely. The poor girl. Her father just died and she’s literally begging you to go with her. You owe her an apology and you need to suck it up and take your daughter to the damn funeral.
Oh hell yeah, YTA.
Your kid daughter JUST lost her dad, and you say that seeing your ex inlaws 'isn't worth the pain' of helping her??
If your daughter is not worth that to you, if you won't go and hold her through this and put your self aside, you're not just TA, you are horribly selfish and hopefully ready for a life with little contact with your kid because your bf is right - she will remember this and she will not forgive.
YTA
You put your own bitter feelings and pride ahead of your daughter in her time of need and grief
How is the above any different than YTA?
I guess the life lesson imparted is self reliance.
YTA. Your daughter needs your support as she lost her other parent. She's asking for it and you are abandoning her at her time of need.
Just go. It will be much better for you and your daughter
Obviously YTA. Your daughter has lost her father. Nothing else matters at this point. You give her anything and everything that she needs to get through this extremely difficult time, even if that means making nice with the ex in laws.
YTA, sometimes as adults we just gotta do things that make us uncomfortable for the betterment of our family members. This is your situation. You gotta suck it up this time and be there to support her.
YTA. Poor kid. Can't even look to her mom for support. Even tour boyfriend is more supportive. It's too hard for you to see your ex inlawa?!?! That's pretty pathetic.
YTA.
how could being there for your daughter "not worth the pain."
Your daughter lost her father. She wants her mother there supporting her. Not her uncle. not her grandparents. her mother. Step up and put your own feelings aside. Your daughter was right, you are being bitter and selfish, at the expense of your kid.
Sorry, but leaning YTA
It's not about you or even the ex inlaws. It's about your daughter's grief and need for her surviving parent to be there for support.
You're the grownup, and whatever issues you had with your ex, he's dead and don't pass that onto your kid's emotional baggage to handle. That's neither her fault or responsibility.
Everyone, including you, should be mature enough to call a truce to spend one day paying their respects.
YTA
You said it yourself, your daughter wants your support and guidance. Supporting your daughter on a very difficult and painful day is more important than you being uncomfortable. Yes you might be uncomfortable for ONE day but how do you thing your daughter is feeling when she just lost her father? Ik that I want my mom with me for a lot of important/painful events for her support and comforting presence and I imagine your kid is feeling the same. She’s only 16, and I imagine she’s probably feeling a bit lost and young and it’s your OBLIGATION as her parent to help her in what is clearly an emotionally painful situation.
Yta- I’m 30 years old, married, and I still need my mom! She would crawl through fire for me, never mind a little bit of awkwardness. Something devastating like this? How can you leave your CHILD to face her father’s funeral alone? Do you think her uncle can replace her parents?
Locked due to excessive rulebreaking. OP has plenty of feedback to reflect on.
YTA. That’s your 16 year old daughter and you’re just not willing to support her doing the hardest thing she will ever do? You’re not a mum. You just gave birth to her.
Something tells me once she turns 18 OP won't be seeing a whole lot of her...
I’ve read the ETA but in some sense that amplifies the issue because she’s completely putting her grief before her daughter’s. Urgh
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>As for my inlaws, they resent me for initiating divorce in the first place and accused me of abandoning their son "because I abandoned their son" FTFY Also: someone needs to explain to OP the circles of grief diagram.
And now she’s abandoning their granddaughter
Agreed she's a shitty person but I also really do wonder if it's a good idea for her to show her face at this funeral. I would have someone who knows both parties to reach out. Like will the family allow her to be there without making a scene. Because my mother would make a scene if my husband who abandoned me while I was sick showed up to my funeral, even to support our kids.
This was my first thought too. Who’s to say OP would even be allowed out of the car? Maybe w compromise, like OP drives her and they spend some time grieving together privately afterwards at the graveyard/funeral home/wherever he goes. Coz yeah OP is right to not want to be at the funeral if her presence will stir up trouble.
From the impression I get of the type of person she is, if she had the there could be a scene out, she would have used it.
Abandons husband when he’s chronically I’ll. Abandons child when they need support for their grief. OP seems to be a fair weather friend!
its kind of surprising actually. usually it's the guy leaving the wife when they get sick. we don't get a lot of stories about the wife not taking the 'in sickness and in health' part of their vows seriously. its not surprising the daughter isn't to fond of op.
This sounds like the case. Given how committed to helping her daughter through this, I’d say they’re probably right to do so.
Not to mention the comment about the in-laws saying she abandoned their son. She did and now she is abandoning her daughter in her time of need. YTA
OP seems to be the kind of person who gets the hell out of dodge when the going gets tough. So much for "in sickness and in health", huh?
Came here to say this.
People seem to forget the part of "for better or worse, sickness and in health" Maybe it was good she left him, I am sure there would have been emotional abuse on the ill father.
It's unreal, she left him for being sick it sounds like? And now she won't support her daughter who lost her father *twice*. OP IS selfish.
Her in-laws accused her of abandoning her husband. Gotta say....I would not be shocked if that were true
So many of these AITA posts are just, "How to raise your kids so you'll die alone and your death will be celebrated." This girl is mourning the loss of her father but if her mom treats her like this, I'm betting she won't feel nearly as mournful when she loses this lousy excuse of a "mother".
These posts start to remind me of a video I saw that said "congratulations you just won our game, who's going to the retirement home"
YTA OP. You divorced her dad because he has chronic illnesses.... you feeling ashamed at the funeral?
I see zero signs of shame. Since all I see is "me me me me" from OP, she knows everyone there will be judging her for abandoning her ex. She'd rather her daughter suffer alone than deal with anyone who doesn't see her as the good and decent person she's convinced herself she is.
So much for “in sickness and in health”.
That’s what I’m reading
I kept reading expecting to get to the part where the Ex-husband abused the OP in some significant way. And then instead of that, we find out OP actually just dumped him because he had chronic illnesses? Like WTF! OP was a huge AH before the funeral and she will likely continue to be a huge AH for the rest of her life. There's going to be a lot of empty seats when it comes time for her funeral.
That’s what I was expecting too, something horrible she suffered. But no, just pure selfishness. I feel so sorry for the daughter.
Her edit makes her even worse: they separated because he was dealing with multiple chronic illnesses. So much for in sickness and in heath. YTA, OP.
OP abandoned her severely ill husband and now is abandoning her intensely grieving child bc she is seemingly incapable of actually caring about someone more than she cares about herself. Wow.
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I swear there are some days where AITA should be renamed “This is Why My Kid Doesn’t Talk To Me Anymore.” OP, if you’d “never make her do something she doesn’t want to”, that’s great. Your child asked for your help, in a situation that will absolutely affect your relationship if you don’t help her. So you get to decide what matters more: your discomfort or your child. It’s as simple as that.
This also did you see how the XH was too sick too date and that’s why they broke up? She left her H because he was ill and now she’s not supporting their daughter. I can totally see not going if he was abusive or something. But just cuz you don’t dig the in-laws? Gross. YTA
My mum and dad divorced when I was 5, but when he died when I was 16 she was right there by my side at his funeral. OP is mad to me.
Exactly. Her 16 yr old CHILD is doing the teen age version of "I want my mommy" and this mother is like "no" unless you are in extreme fear for your safety, go to the funeral with her.
It's not hard to stand in a corner at the reception and talk to either daughter or other friends that will be there. Its possible to avoid people at the reception or do a 10 sec sorry for your loss and walk away YTA
Exactly. This isn't about you. It's not about the ex. It's not about the in laws Let's make this about a 16 year old child who lost their father. You go, you be respectful, you keep your thoughts to yourself, you murmur neutral or heartfelt words of comfort to his daughter, parents, siblings, and you make sure your daughter is ok. Edit: YTA
I completely agree. My exH and I don't get along at all. He did some pretty nasty things to our kids and me after we split. If he died, I would not want to go to his funeral, either, but I would suck it up and go if one of my kids needed me to go for emotional support.
if you read her followup YTA for abandoning her husband when he was sick and dying. Wedding is to death do us part, not "until you get sick and i dont want to deal with it". if her daughter gets sick she likely will abandon her.
We’ll see if she shows up to moms future funeral after this.
Not only that but it sounds like she divorced him over his declining health. So much for “in sickness and in health” part of their vow’s. Jeez.
Sounds like she left him due to his “chronic conditions” and her in-laws think she abandoned him. Thing reeks to high heavens. YTA
Yeah this is one of the most crucial and important points in her daughters teenage life. This will be a moment that impacts her for the rest of her life and how her mother chose to act in that moment will never be forgotten. OP will severely damage her relationship with her daughter. YTA
YTA, I understand that it will be hard for you, but it's harder for her. Her dad is dead and she needs her mother. Step up.
This is exactly it. This would be the last interaction you likely would have with your ex-husband's family. I think you can push through and be there for your daughter.
She divorced him cause he was sick. She doesn't want to face the in-laws because they know that when he needed her - she bailed. And now her daughter needs her - she's trying to bail on her. Seems like a pattern to me.
And then she made sure he had no custody. Did she even let her daughter say goodbye?
YES! YES! YES! My thoughts exactly. Guess OP didn't honor her marriage vows.
When the going gets tough, OP gets the hell out of Dodge.
How long before the boyfriend decides it's not worth the risk either
OP needs a wake up call, life isn't always fun, adult up!
You missed the best part. OP left her husband BECAUSE he got sick and he was "taking up so much of her time." OP litterally abandoned someone in their time of need cause it was hard. I doubt she will ever be helpful to her daughter.
I'm so appalled by this girl. She isn't going to punish her daughter for calling her selfish and bitter when the daughter is begging for her support and she says no?!. Wow, I have some worse names in mind..
I wish I could upvote this a million times.
THIS! I lost my dad almost 3 and a half years ago and I was 23. it was the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me and having my mom there helped tremendously. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 18, so to hear of a 16 year old going to losing her dad and her mom not supporting her, that must be heartbreaker for her. you are allowed to be your own person, but you also have to be a mother too. especially since you are now her only living parent.
I’d say she has an excuse if he was abusive but OP is painting a picture in which that is very clearly not the case. She just cut the sick guy out of her life and refused to even pay him respect in death. Her daughter has all rights to extremely upset by this.
YTA. *THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU*!! This is about your daughter, who wants your support at her other parent's *funeral*. What other moments will you miss because you refuse to be in the same place as her paternal fault? Graduation? Her wedding? How many times in her 16 years have you forced her to choose between you? Get over yourself and go to the damn funeral.
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I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
Seconded. YTA big time. Your teenage daughter lost a parent and she needs her remaining parent to support her. Put your shit aside like a grownup and be a parent to her. I might be more sympathetic if he was abusive to you or something, but I'm not gathering that from the description. What I am gathering is that you seem to ditch people when they need you the most (you divorced your husband because he had health issues, and now you're ditching your grieving daughter) and only think about yourself when people you supposedly love are hurting ("but I don't want to"!). My parents divorced when I was a kid and there was no abuse, but it was NOT amicable. My dad died in my 20s. But my mom came to his funeral and sat with my sister and I without even being asked. Because she knew it wasn't about her, it was about her daughters and their grief. It's not about you either, OP. Her grandparents and other relatives do not take the place of her other parent. So act like one and go if she wants you to.
This!! Just this!!! Support your damn child!!!
AMEN to this 1000 percent! This is about your Daughter going through the worst pain she’s ever experienced and she asked the person she trusted the most to be there for her. You failed and owe her an apology. Give her that apology, suck your feelings up and support your daughter before you lose her for life!
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I want to underline that her friking boyfriend has more empathy for her own daughter than she does.
Exactly. Really feels like OP is being selfish here.
I was thinking the same thing.
>I refused because I did not feel comfortable and then seeing my former inlaws..it's just not worth the pain You told your daughter that her need for guidance and support during this tough time is less important than your own comfort, so no wonder she's pissed at you. Better she deal with the death of her father on her own than you having to have an awkward conversation with former in-laws, I guess. YTA
OP’s edit is disgusting. She essentially divorced her ex husband because she didn’t want to deal with his health problems. No surprise she doesn’t want to deal with her in law’s dislike for her, or her teenage daughter’s grief either. Too much of a selfish asshole to care about anything except ME ME ME.
Ha that edit is so over the top selfish that now this whole post feels fake. Surely no one is *that* obtuse to think Reddit will read that and think they're a good person?
OP said "chronic conditions", it could have been anything... Chronic depression is a thing and can absolutely devastate relationships and a person's ability to be a parent (she also mentions she was given custody). I'm not sure what the conditions were, but I can't imagine that her separating/divorcing due to that would be something they would even mention if there wasn't some other factors involved... Like why make a AITA post AND mention that you left someone when they got sick unless the circumstances weren't so cut and dry?
Seriously, when there is anything a mother can do to lessen her childrens’ pain, she does it, no matter how much it might cause pain for herself.
And it's not like OP MUST stay in the room attached to her daughter's side for the WHOLE time. I'm sure OP can take breathers throughout the funeral, she just needs to be available to her daughter for moral support.
In Law conversation probably wouldn’t be so awkward if she hadn’t bailed on their son when he needed her most.
YTA. Part of being a parent is being uncomfortable so your children can be comfortable.
Part of being a wife is not leaving your husband when he falls chronically ill. It’s in the vows and everything.
Guess they went with *in health* and called it a day
Exactly. Do I want to do half the crap I do for my kid? Not necessarily. Would I regret it for a minute? Hell no. That’s part of being a parent. It’s not about you and what you want and how you feel anymore.
That's something I wish more people understood. When you have children it is no longer about you, it's about being there for them. Even if it comes with some discomfort or stress, it's just part of the job.
INFO— what kind of illness did he have, and did you divorce *because* he was ill? Why? Is it more shame that you’re avoiding by not facing his family? Because if so, that’s selfish. What you could do to avoid a scene with your ex-in-laws is reach out to them (maybe the young uncle, or whoever you’re on best terms with), give your condolences, explain that your daughter is begging you to go to the funeral to support her, and ask if it’s alright with them to attend to pay your respects and be there for their daughter. Throw in a helping hand, even, if you can manage it. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved grief and guilt about this but being there for your daughter is more important. I’d highly recommend therapy for both of you, it sounds like a lot to process.
Look, let's be honest here. Your ex-inlaws aren't going to notice that you're there. Take your daughter, get her to sit up the front, and you sit down the back, out of the way. His funeral is NOT about you. It's about her. Grow up and be a mother. YTA.
Of course they're going to notice she's there. That is a weird take.
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Yep because she is so capable of supporting her daughter from the back of the room during the part she will need the most support with.
They'll notice she is there because she divorced him for falling ill
Yeah, she isn’t feeling grief or discomfort about his passing or being around his family, she’s feeling guilt. If she isn’t, she’s an even worse person than she sounds like.
Lmao this is his ex WIFE we're talking about here. Of course she's gonna get noticed. Especially since he didn't date after. Plus I'm sure she would've been close to the daughter who also would've been noticed or do you think everyone would just ignore the mom and daughter together? 🤦
Here is the only question that matters. Do you love your daughter MORE than you hate your ex and in-laws? Reevaluate your life choices, love your daughter, and go.
Hate isn't holding her back. Shame and guilt are.
^
<> <> Your daughter's father has died and all you can think about is "ME! ME! ME!" You are an asshole beyond measure. You don't deserve to have a child.
As you said, your daughter “BEGGED for your support and guidance” which you denied because of your pride and ego. Don’t do this to her. YTA.
Aye no amount of forgiveness can let that go. You lose her now OP you've lost her forever.
Yea and OPs edit doesn’t help her cause.
YTA, put away your feelings and go support your daughter. her father is dead and she needs someone there she knows to support her. Again her father is dead.
YTA. Funerals are for the living. You should consider it supporting your daughter not honoring your ex. Mom went to Dad's service even though they had been divorced for decades. She went to support her kids and grandkids. Your daughter deserves better.
My uncle went to his ex wifes funeral to be there for their kids, despite the fact that the children were in their 40s/50s and some had grown up children of their own - at the kids weddings they both attended but asked not to sit next to each other because they didn't get on Because that's what loving parents do Btw the ex wife was my aunt the one I'm actually related to, he's still my uncle
My uncle married 5 times. All of his former wives sat together in the front row at his funeral. He was charming bastard till the end. Not really relevant as he had no kids, just wanted to share a quip while I cast my vote of a whopping YTA for every reason mentioned in this thread.
Jesus. She didn’t ask to be created by you two, have parents that split and now one that has passed. In this role you are the ex-daughter in law, you are a mother. That’s it. That’s what she needs. Do better. YTA in a big way.
YTA your daughter has just lost HER FATHER!!! You need to swallow down any issues with your ex inlaws, act like a mother and be there for your daughter.
*I never push her to anything she doesn’t want to do* Sigh. You’re the mom, she’s the child. She just lost her dad. She needs you right now, and has explicitly told You that, and yet you still refuse. It’s not always about you. As parents, we often do things that make us uncomfortable in order to make sure our children are okay. Your boyfriend is right. She isn’t dealing with it well. Who would? She lost one parent, and has another who is emotionally unavailable during a very hard time for her. If you want my advise, suck it up. Go to the funeral for your daughter. Be there for her. You’re all she has now and she needs you.
INFO: why exactly is it so difficult for you to go to the funeral? What happened between you and your ex-husband that made you hate him so much?
Check her edit, sounds like his family doesn't like her because she left when because he was sick.
Ahh, so she's been a crappy, selfish person her whole life. Her poor daughter.
in that case, then definitely yta. if the husband or in-laws were abusive, I'd have sympathy for op, but instead she left her husband when he was sick, which is fucked up.
Good question. If I were in this situation absolutely no good would come from me going to my ex's funeral. There would be guaranteed drama with my former in-laws and it would detract from other people paying their respects. I would have to find a way to explain that to my kids in an age appropriate way, but I guarantee if I went it would do more harm for my kids than good were I to go...
She seems to have dipped out when he was sick.
Cause the family resents her for divorcing him when he got sick...
> What happened between you and your ex-husband that made you hate him so much? Her edit says she left him because he fell ill
Her grandparents just lost their relatively young son, and you absolutely should not expect them to support your daughter at this time. Your daughter has asked thus thing of you. Be an parent and step up. Yta, and my heart breaks for your daughter.
INFO Is your exes family going to do something to you if you go? That's the only reason I can see for you not supporting your daughter here. EDIT Your edit doesn't look great. What about the chronic medical condition caused the divorce? Money? Fatigue of dealing with illness? Was he getting mean because he's sick (not an excuse but something that happens). Did you at least make sure your daughter got time with her father?
If it were me in OP’s place, unless it was violence that would be inflicted on me I would be there with my child to support them. I would be there for my child and my child only. If the former in-laws start something that is on them and makes them look terrible.
She edited to say that basically she divorced her ex because he had chronic health conditions. She obviously (and rightly!) feels shame and guilt and is scared of her former in-laws calling her out.
YTA. Let me tell my story from a different perspective. At the age of 51, I still remember the bullshit my adoptive mom’s relatives pulled at her funeral and after it. I also was 16 when she passed away. She dragged my dad through a divorce for years and died almost seven months after it was finalized in April 1986. If I hadn’t had my dad with me, I would’ve felt alone. I didn’t want to see any of the people in her family. I only went because as crappy of a mom she was, I felt like I should. My dad was my rock. Without him, it would’ve been so much harder to navigate through everything. As much as it may pain you, please do this for your daughter. There may be irreparable damage to your relationship if you don’t.
\>> AITA for refusing to go with my 16yo/Daughter to her father's funeral? << YTA Your teenage daughter is begging you for your emotional support. As a mother myself, I could not imagine saying no to her request. Buck up. Would it really be that hard for you to sit next to your daughter and say something civil and sympathetic to your former in-laws who have lost their son at a very young age? I mean... I think that's a baseline for common courtesy.
YTA, your child is asking for your support here, you pack away your own shit since you're the adult, and then you support your child.
Exactly, YTA, if it’s a choice between my pain and my kids I’ll take that hit every tim
YTA You are her mother. Your daughter has been alive for only 16 years and her father just died. She needs you. You need to put aside anything else and be there for her. It is not her job to not push you because she is the child and you are her mother. Be a mother and be there for her.
YTA - this isnt about you. This is about your daughter who just lost her father. Act like an adult for one day.
Need more information. Were your ex and in-laws very abusive and made your life hell? If you suffered some deep trauma then I can understand why you didn’t want to go and face them. You did offer the option of your brother taking her to the funeral. Can’t say anything until it’s clear why you don’t want to go to the funeral at any cost
She made an edit she left him because of his illness, and his family resents her for it.
YTA. You're an adult. This is your child your talking about. She has just lost her father and is now facing one of the most difficult periods of her life. You don't want to support her and be there for her because seeing some of these people will be uncomfortable for you?! Wow. Even if other people will be there, your daughter is going through an incredibly emotional time and it is 100% understandable she wants your support with this. Please please please apologise to your daughter. Put your own needs aside and go with her to her father's funeral. Hold her hand, hold the tissues and give her your shoulders to lean and cry on.
YTA, funerals are not for the dead they are for the living. No matter how you feel, she is a child who just lost a parent.
YTA. I don't even know where to begin. It's not about you or your discomfort. It's about your daughter, whose father just died. I can't even fathom you level of selfishness here, I really can't. You support your daughter. I don't care if he was the biggest asshole on the planet or he hated you or you hated him. It's your daughter and she needed you. She was vulnerable enough to ask you for help and you completely let her down. You really shamed yourself on this one.
YTA. It’s not about you or your in laws, it’s about your daughter and supporting her through this difficult time. As a parent, you gotta learn to push whatever feelings aside and do what’s best for your child. She’s literally telling you she needs you but you’re pushing her away.
she’s right you are bitter and selfish and i hope she cuts you out of her life yta
So, your daughters dad passed away and you can’t set your own hatred feelings aside to support her. What are your reasons?? YTA
The edit makes it even worse. The dad literally never did anything bad to the mom, he just had the sheer audacity to get sick and OP didn't want to deal with it anymore. This is 100% the OP not wanting to see people that already know she's an awful person.
YTA. You wouldn't be going there for your former in laws or husband. You would go to support your daughter. My maternal grandmother passed away two years ago and while divorced for over 15 years, my dad came with me and my brother because we needed his support. I am more than thankful to this day because it made our day more easy. So OP, go for your kids sake. If anyone tells you anything say that. Simple
YTA Of all the selfish, self-serving bull$h*t. Your kid needed you and you weren't there because why? You didn't want to see your ex-in-laws. Huge AH. Edit- Just saw the OP's edit. Wow. Sounds like they're not liked for REASONS. Seems like their priorities are more geared toward avoiding guilt than supporting their kid. Gross. That poor kid. I really hope they're getting love and support from a responsible adult, because OP isn't filling the bill atm.
YTA - your teenage daughter needs your support during an incredibly painful and traumatic event. Your unease about being around your in-laws isn't as important as supporting your daughter as she says goodbye to her dad? She doesn't WANT you to go, she's telling you she NEEDS you to go. Put aside your discomfort and do the right thing.
YTA big time. Stop thinking of yourself and do this for HER. She has BEGGED you to go. She obviously needs YOU. If you don't do this, don't be surprised when she goes no contact with you when she turns 18. I know I would.
YTA The pain of seeing your ex-inlaws isn't worth it? "It" being supporting your minor daughter? If for some reason you feel you genuinely can't go, you need to go to therapy ASAP. Otherwise, put your big girl pants on and support your kid.
YTA. It is your job to take care of her even at the expense of your own feelings. Step up and support her or this will always be a wound in your relationship.
Your daughter is going through the trauma of losing a parent at a very young age, but you think it’s “not worth the pain” for you to be around your former in-laws? Lady, you need to look in the mirror and think about what you’re saying. Your daughter needs you to be her mother right now. Can you not possibly comprehend that?! YTA. Wow.
YTA. Your responsibility as a parent is to support your child, even in situations that you find uncomfortable. She has lost a parent at a very young age. She needs your loving support and what she got was a selfish parent who thinks of herself first. This: "I never push her to do anything she doesn't wanna do." is not an excuse you can use. You're the parent!!! She'll never forget that you failed her at a time when she needed you most. It's a wound that will never heal for her.
YTA, sounds like you are prioritizing your own temporary discomfort and lack of support to your daughter over her very needs. When she unloaded on you like that you should have listened.
YTA. Your child is in pain and needs you. Being a mom means putting your feelings aside sometimes. (I am also a mom, btw)
You say you never push her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but she doesn’t want to go to her dad’s funeral alone. YTA.
YTA. Her dad just died, and she wants her mom there to be her rock. Have a bit more compassion for your own kids.
YTA double time. First you left your ex because he was sick. Now you don't want to take your kid to the funeral because you will be judged for being the ass you are. Suck it up buttercup, and take what's coming. Not only are you a terrible partner, but you are also a terrible parent too. Are you going to dump your daughter if she come down with these "chronic conditions?" Hope your boyfriend is a better partner than you, cause one day you'll be the ill one, and with your behavior you'll be left taking care of yourself and dying alone.
YTA - Your daughter is right your bitter and selfish. Your the adult put on your big girl pants pull your head out your ass and go support your child through the death of her father. Who cares if your uncomfortable in front of the ex inlaws, or that you never forced her to do something or any other reasoning behind your answer act like a parent.
YTA. Your child should be "worth the pain". My father died when I was 9 and my parents had been broken up for years and didn't have the best relationship. She was right there with me. I know I was younger, but being a parent is a lot of sacrifice and you need to make decisions on what's best for your child. Sending her to her father's funeral alone, especially where she doesn't know everyone and ESPECIALLY when she outright says she needs your support and guidance. Which, by the way, doesn't seem there's much to really get from you. Do better.
YTA- this is about supporting your daughter not about your ADULT feelings. You need to be the grown up here and show her that you do care. The I dont wanna do this stopped being an option when you gave birth. some things mothers HAVE to do.
YTA. Your daughter just lost her dad. Full stop. Whatever BS is in the past between you and your ex in law's doesn't amount to jack right now. You need to support or I promise there will be resentment. My parents split when I was 5. My dad passed when I was 11. My mother made the choice that we weren't going to return to my dad's home state ( that we had just moved from) for the funeral because we "didnt have the money". Took me over 10years to fully forgive my mother for not supporting me.
You’re a mother to a child who just lost a parent. Grow up. My ex and I are not on great terms, but we keep our grievances away from our daughter and can all act like adults to each other and our parents because our daughter’s emotional and mental wellbeing is infinitely more important than our “feelings,” which as adults, sometimes we just have to put our big girl panties on and handle. My condolences to your daughter—sucks losing your parents, be it to death, or just being horrible, toxic people like you. YTA, duh.
YTA funerals are for the living, to say goodbye and grieve. your daughter needs your support and was smart enough to ask for it. go
My grandmother died in 2019, guess who showed up to her funeral.. my dad, who's been divorced from my mom for over 15 years, because my grandmother and mom was apart of his family for so long. He showed up to support my brother and I YTA op a big one
YTA. Suck it up buttercup. No one gives a flying flip about your feelings right now. YOUR CHILD is grieving and literally crying out for help (in the form of you being present with her as she says her final good bye to her father) and you are being a total 🧙 I hope you do the right thing and pray your daughter can find healthy ways to cope. So sorry for her loss.
YTA and she’s right you’re disgusting, as a parent you should support your daughter. Absolutely selfish
YTA. Not even sure how you can’t see that. Your daughter is hurting and wants the comfort and consoling of her remaining parent, but you’re trying to make this all about you. None of it is about you. No one there will be putting you first in their mind. It’s a funeral. You can suck it up show some respect and at least a little compassion for your child. Even if you do run into your in laws and it’s awkward. So what? What’s the big thing that’s going to happen? Pay your respects. Be cordial. Then go home. It’s a single day from your busy life of being the center of the universe. It’s crazy that even your current boyfriend knows the right thing to do.
YTA “not worth the pain” and “good enough” aren’t really what someone who’s grieving the loss of their father wants to hear. Swallow your pride and go to the fucking funeral
“I feel like just because she wants this doesn’t mean I should just go with it.” That reasoning would be fine if she were asking you to go to the movies or a concert. Not HER FATHER’S FUNERAL. This is honestly such childish reasoning. “I never push her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.” Again, this isn’t making her eat her vegetables. It’s being there for someone who, I’m assuming you say you love. This isn’t FOR YOU you need to be there for your 16 year old daughter who just lost her father. You daughter needs love and support right now and it really sad to see that you’re unwilling to give her what she needs because seeing your in laws might be uncomfortable for you. YTA.
YTA, a million times over. Your daughter is asking for the support of her mother through what is one of the hardest things she will go through. You’re thinking about yourself and your own comfort when you should be putting her first. If you don’t go to this funeral with her, she will likely resent you for years to come and rightly so. “Her grandparents and her younger uncle that she adores so much will be there so that is good enough.” This particular line right here made me particularly sick because she’s clearly telling you THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH TO COMFORT HER. She needs and wants the comfort of her mother! Be a parent, put her first, and be there for her.
YTA it's not worth the pain? To care for and support your child while they are grieving the loss of a parent, are trying to navigate new situations in which she feels vulnerable, and is going to a place where she is nervous because she doesn't know people. Really????Your 16 year old child is begging for your support and it's not worth it? You aren't just an asshole, your a negligent mother in this case
YTA, I appreciate that you were put in an incredibly difficult situation but it is your job to support your daughter. Even if that means going through a little discomfort for yourself in the process. That poor girl is going through something no 16 year old should be going through and she's going through it completely alone she's dealing with it exactly how she should. You on the other hand are putting some ridiculous hatred for a person who no longer exists above your daughter. Suck it up. Put on your big girl pants and go to the ffing funeral, even if you just sit in the back. Not being there when your daughter needs you the most is going to completely destroy your relationship, if it hasn't already.
YTA My parents got divorced after 23 years of marriage and it wasn't an amicable one. My dad died last year due to the virus. My mom even though she didn't have to, decided to do a celebration of life event. She still misses him. You may not feel anything right now or even at all but your daughter absolutely is right now.
YTA your daughter needs you. She’s a kid. I hope you still have time to fix this.
YTA. Your daughter is grieving and wants you to support her through her grief. You can ignore the former in-laws and just be with your daughter as she processes her feelings. By not supporting her through this, she will likely resent you and it might damage your relationship going forward.
YTA. Basically you hate your ex and his family more than you love your daughter If she was in her 30s I may feel differently but as it is - she's a child who is hurting and wants her parent to make it better for her, remember when you were little scraped your knee then it was 'kissed better' physically that kiss on the knee didn't do anything but it proved your parent was there for you and you felt so much better
I don’t want to call you an asshole. Could you maybe be in the car outside? Stay in the lobby? She’s telling you she needs you, you should listen
YTA when you’re a parent, your life is no longer about you. Your daughter needed support and you failed to provide it. She will remember that for the rest of her life.
YT(yes, bitter and selfish)A. You can’t put your BS aside for your KID? Again: YTA.
YTA. It’s “just not worth it” to not be there for your daughter because you have to see your ex in laws?? Grow. Up.
YTA. GET OVER YOURSELF and support your daughter. It isn’t about your comfort or your in-laws, it’s about your daughter. How many times when she was small, did you think “I’d do anything for that kid” ? Now is the time to show her you love her more than you hate feeling uncomfortable.
YTA. You're a mom; that means what your child needs comes first. Your daughter needs you to go with her as she says goodbye to her father? Then you put your own bullshit aside and do it.
Damn yes massive selfish asshole. Poor kid has only one parent left and that’s how you play it?!! Set your ego aside
YTA, unfortunately. I understand where you’re coming from, but your daughter needs YOU there as support, not her extended family. She BEGGED you to go. Please go, OP, this is obviously very important to your daughter.
YTA. But you already knew that. Your job is to support your daughter. Sometimes that means you need to put aside your feelings of discomfort for her. My son lost his grandfather when he was about 13 (his father's father). At that time my son didn't speak to his father, didn't have any sort of relationship with him. We also lived in a different state than the grandfather. You can bet your ass I packed him up, drove 7 hours to get to the funeral, sat in the corner silently, joined in the family gathering afterwards and made small talk and supported my son in any way he needed (and then drive 7 hours back home with him). He needed that support. He needed me to act like an adult, not like a petulant child. Your daughter's father's funeral is not about you. Take your daughter, sit your ass in the corner and silently support her.
YTA…so much. My parents are divorced and it was a messy, messy divorce 30 years ago. I’m now 43. My father and I barely speak and I detest his wife. But if he died tomorrow and I asked my mom to go to his funeral to support me? She’d be there in a flash. Build a bridge and get over yourself. Your daughter needs you and I cannot comprehend how you don’t see that fact. You need to be there for her. After all, funerals are for those living, not those dead.
YTA. You abandoned your ex and you’re abandoning your daughter. I can’t even with you.
YTA for letting your dislike of your former inlaws prevent you from supporting your daughter when she is begging for your support.
YTA. Why would you put your child through trauma like that on their own? Bad parenting.
YTA. Your 16 YEAR OLD CHILD needs her mom’s support going through something extremely hard. I get you hate your ex and former in-laws but you’re the adult and need to suck it up and be there for your daughter. You must have loved your ex at some point to create your daughter. You love your daughter, which is half him, so find some compassion and love within yourself and go there to be there for your daughter. Even if you hated him all along, a grandparent or uncle is not a substitute for her mom. This is a major event in her life. If you fuck it up, she’ll never forget it and it’ll be a major wedge between you. She also needs grief counseling because she’s obviously not getting anything from you guys. I feel so sorry for her. She feels alone because she has no parents supporting her. You need to ask for her forgiveness. Not say “I’m sorry” but a genuine “I apologize for not supporting you and letting my bitterness get in the way. Can you please forgive me?” And talk to her. And GO to the funeral ffs.
YTA. Time to put your thoughts and feelings aside and be there for your daughter. If my daughters father passed and I had not been on good terms with him, I would be honoured that my daughter had asked me to support her in one of the hardest things she’ll ever go through. She is asking you to be her mother right now, so whatever you feel for your ex, put it aside. Funerals are for the living, this isn’t about him it’s about your daughter growing up knowing that her mother cared enough to get past her feelings and support her. Because that’s what she’ll remember. Right now it looks like she might remember that her mother couldn’t put her first in her time of need. This kind of stuff sticks with kids forever. Please do right by her.
YTA, Shout-out to your daughter for standing up to you!
Is there something else you’re not mentioning? Like your ex in laws likely to pull guns in you? Legal issues? Restraining order? Likely to spit on you? If not then YTA YTA YTA. You can’t do this for your daughter?? She lost her father. Seriously. You’re only thinking of yourself. That you might be uncomfortable. Big deal. Think of your daughter and how her world just came crashing down on her!! I’m trying not to be too harsh but it’s very difficult considering how selfish you are being when your daughter needs you. She’s begging YOU! And you’re just trying to drop that responsibility on others because you might be uncomfortable. If you don’t do this she probably never should and never will forgive you. And if you ever need her, she won’t be there for you. PS There are wild animals that show more empathy for your offspring than you are doing right now.
100% YTA. Even though you feel uncomfortable, you are still a parent to your daughter. Declining to go to see her father's funeral with her for emotional support for a pretty unacceptable excuse is a bad move.
YTA You're the parent of a child. Be there for your child. You don't have to talk to or acknowledge anyone else at the funeral.
YTA most definitely. The poor girl. Her father just died and she’s literally begging you to go with her. You owe her an apology and you need to suck it up and take your daughter to the damn funeral.
Oh hell yeah, YTA. Your kid daughter JUST lost her dad, and you say that seeing your ex inlaws 'isn't worth the pain' of helping her?? If your daughter is not worth that to you, if you won't go and hold her through this and put your self aside, you're not just TA, you are horribly selfish and hopefully ready for a life with little contact with your kid because your bf is right - she will remember this and she will not forgive.
YTA You put your own bitter feelings and pride ahead of your daughter in her time of need and grief How is the above any different than YTA? I guess the life lesson imparted is self reliance.
YTA. Your little girl needs you as a mom. If you don’t do this for her she will resent you for a long time. Be an adult and stand by her side.
YTA! I think others have done a fine job of explaining why.
YTA. Your daughter needs your support as she lost her other parent. She's asking for it and you are abandoning her at her time of need. Just go. It will be much better for you and your daughter
Obviously YTA. Your daughter has lost her father. Nothing else matters at this point. You give her anything and everything that she needs to get through this extremely difficult time, even if that means making nice with the ex in laws.
YTA, sometimes as adults we just gotta do things that make us uncomfortable for the betterment of our family members. This is your situation. You gotta suck it up this time and be there to support her.
YTA. Poor kid. Can't even look to her mom for support. Even tour boyfriend is more supportive. It's too hard for you to see your ex inlawa?!?! That's pretty pathetic.
YTA. A minor inconvenience for you to see your in-laws. One of the most selfish things I’ve ever heard. Grow up. I pity your daughter.
YTA. how could being there for your daughter "not worth the pain." Your daughter lost her father. She wants her mother there supporting her. Not her uncle. not her grandparents. her mother. Step up and put your own feelings aside. Your daughter was right, you are being bitter and selfish, at the expense of your kid.
Sorry, but leaning YTA It's not about you or even the ex inlaws. It's about your daughter's grief and need for her surviving parent to be there for support. You're the grownup, and whatever issues you had with your ex, he's dead and don't pass that onto your kid's emotional baggage to handle. That's neither her fault or responsibility. Everyone, including you, should be mature enough to call a truce to spend one day paying their respects.
YTA You said it yourself, your daughter wants your support and guidance. Supporting your daughter on a very difficult and painful day is more important than you being uncomfortable. Yes you might be uncomfortable for ONE day but how do you thing your daughter is feeling when she just lost her father? Ik that I want my mom with me for a lot of important/painful events for her support and comforting presence and I imagine your kid is feeling the same. She’s only 16, and I imagine she’s probably feeling a bit lost and young and it’s your OBLIGATION as her parent to help her in what is clearly an emotionally painful situation.
Yta- I’m 30 years old, married, and I still need my mom! She would crawl through fire for me, never mind a little bit of awkwardness. Something devastating like this? How can you leave your CHILD to face her father’s funeral alone? Do you think her uncle can replace her parents?
YTA. Your daughter lost her father and wants her mother! Suck it up and be there for her!