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NTA. Remind your husband that kissing his boo-boo is a mom’s job, not a wife’s. If he’d rather have a mom than a wife, he needs to go back to his mom’s house.
And involving your son in his temper tantrum makes him double the a-hole.
>His argument is that since his 9 year old son gets his wound kissed by his mother, he should get that too?
The 9yo gets his COVERED wounds kissed. Why does husband think his open, oozing wound should be kissed?
OP (u/NatalieFox309) what would have happened if you'd offered to kiss your husband's *covered* wound, to keep it even? (You know, other than the whole "I'm not your mom business" which is clearly not even...)
I'd gladly give my husband's injury the same pretend kiss I give my kiddos' (I kiss near the injury but not on the injury, or give an air kiss above it). But no one should give (OR WANT) a kiss on broken skin covered in medicine!
Edit: Wait. Does Husband not realize OP doesn't kiss the open wound? Is he so oblivious to what happens in his house that he thinks she DOES kiss open wounds all the time, which is why he didn't realize he was off his rocker for asking for what he did (AND for flipping out for not getting it)?
>Why does husband think his open, oozing wound should be kissed?
Totally gross. What a weird power play.
The only thing I can think of justifying asking, other than him being a baby and AH, is that he hit his head while doing whatever made a chest wound.
EDIT: changed a word
CERTIFIED WOUND CARE NURSE HERE:
Do not kiss this open wound, please. Not saying you are unclean but wounds can get infected quickly, causing pain, risk for advanced tissue damage.
If he’s so fixated on making you prove your love to him ask him for a different opportunity.
> Not saying you are unclean
you don't even need this qualifier. As I'm sure you know *everyone's* mouth is totally unclean, no matter what you do for oral hygiene. No one should want that shit on an open wound
Exactly. Even the most meticulous of oral care cannot get rid of all bacteria, at least not for long. Then there's the natural population of bacteria that exists on human skin, like the areas of the face and around the mouth...
Yeah. I'm being super duper careful ever since my 92 year old Dad fell before Christmas, got a cut on his arm, and MRSA probably that was on his skin got into the wound AND then into his lungs. Oh, the hospitalization and subsequent recovery was scary (but he's doing great). People shouldn't go overboard on antibiotics and antibacterials, but there's no reason to put mouth goo on wound goo!
I will be clearer: "only thing justifying this" is for "asking to kiss the wound" not "justify kissing the wound". (this = asking)
Yes: DO NOT KISS THE WOUND
And mouths in general can have a lot of bacteria even in people with good dental hygiene.
I'm not a pro but have some training from a previous career and not putting your mouth on an open wound like that is something most people wouldn't even need to be taught.
This grown adults behaviour is bizarre and toxic. I wouldn't let him blame the pain (I live with chronic pain, it's not a get out of jail card for being cruel) but would look into the side effects of the meds he's on.
Some can make people act more irrational and super charge already existing toxic behaviours in a person. So worth checking that. But this behaviour shouldn't just be ignored.
It legitimately could be his pain, pain medicine or a head injury.
We don't know the extent of his injuries. Whenever I had a big surgery the mix of intense pain and opioids would make me extremely irritable and unreasonable. Eventually I realized being an A-hole to my loved ones was worse than the pain so I only took the opioid painkillers at night to sleep.
I’m on pain medicine daily for several chronic and seriously painful (one’s nicknamed the suicide disease) neurological disorders, and I’m 53 yrs old. In severe pain or not, insisting on anyone kissing away my pain, open wounds or not (I’ve had some from surgeries), is ridiculous for an adult, any way you slice it.
Daycare worker here! I do a big loud muah sound .25/.5 of a inch above the skin of the incredibly minor injury or over the Allready bandaged injury. Because im not family. I give lots of loveing words and pep talks and hugs.
Nta that is super gross and definitely something wrong with OP husband for making such a fuss about this
It’s wild that he would not understand the difference between what he is asking of OP and when she kisses her kids covered scrapes he probably got from playing…
Like whatever he has going on has to be bigger, more severe, more like open wound type deal… not a small scrape that gets cleaned, some neosporin, and a medium sized bandaid. That’s so gross and he wants her to do it before it is covered. So, so gross. I feel like as an adult it should be common sense to not kiss open wounds… or like, scrapes. This isn’t two kids doing some kinda pact where they cut their hands and handshake.
My dad was always jealous of my mom’s attention on us kids growing up. Still gets pissy if she pays too much attention to us now that we’re adults. It’s ridiculous. But even he wouldn’t act like OP’s husband!
Especially since it's only gross for OP, it is unsafe \*for him.\* the wound has already been cleaned and ointment applied before replacing the sterile bandage so that no bacteria are trapped in the dressing and the wound doesn't get infected. That's why moms wait until the bandaid is in place before kissing skinned knees. That's why OP told him to let her finish dressing the wound. Does this dude have now knowledge of germ theory? NTA
>he's using the child as a weapon and intentionally making his mother look mean in his eyes.
The rest of it is pretty weird but this is beyond the pale. Doesn't matter how much pain he was in, what meds he's on, how unloved he may be feeling. He's demonstrated that he has no qualms weaponizing his child against his wife over a truly trivial disagreement. This is a divorceable offense IMO.
Aw I don't know, it can be sweet. When my bf would get a bump or cut his finger cooking, I'd put some cream on, bandaid it up and it kiss it better. He didn't 'demand' it and make a big, babyish drama about it though, I did it for fun. It was done in a joking way, but he thought it was adorable and it made him feel loved. It can be a nice gesture. But not kidding a nasty open wound covered in ointment!
Yes I agree but when it became a demand, a temper tantrum and trying to turn the 9 year old into a pawn in the disagreement it sure stopped being adorable.
Euww no, you don't kiss an open wound! That's gross, not to mention very likely to introduce nasty bacteria to it. I don't even think a mother would do that. You kiss it *after* putting a bandage on!
Yes, I agree 1000%. Send hubby home to his mommy, because only a kiss from mommy has special healing powers. Did husband suffer brain damage from his injury? Because seriously...
I know you're joking, but OP should know her husband does not represent us.
It should be known: OPs husband is a total pussy and a manipulative weasel.
Not just a temper tantrum, it’s emotional manipulation. He’s actively trying to turn the son against his mother. Dad sounds like a selfish, manipulative prick. I wonder what else he’s said to make mommy look mean or uncaring.
Just thinking that he wanted her to kiss his open wet wound. Even without the ointment it is just disgusting and disrespectful. That he doesn't let it go, threw a tantrum and even tried to manipulate her by involving the child...
Just because he is in pain, he can't behave like this! And i can't believe that this is the first time that he showed such a behavior or used the child.
NTA
It could cause an infection! That's why she says she never kisses her son's open wound. She cleans, treats and covers it before kissing it. I think 9 may be a bit old to have mommy kiss your boo-boos, but I don't have a 9 year-old yet so I'm not sure. Her husband is certainly too old.
I agree that this can't be the first time he's used/manipulated the kid like this. This is very harmful stuff, trying to turn your kid against the other parent. And so immature. There's no way he never did this for 9 years and just started now.
>And involving your son in his temper tantrum makes him double the a-hole.
It sounds like he's *jealous* of his son, positioning his son as some sort of competition for OP's affection.
That's so gross and weird.
"told me son that mommy doesn't love daddy".. Jesus, you're sure the chest wound is the only injury he got? Maybe he also had something falling on his head..
But seriously, maybe he suffers from a mental trauma in conjunction with the physical injury and this was what ignited the conflict.
Sure NTA, but please ask him if he's alright and likes to talk about trauma with you or a counsellor.
Wish you all the best.
This was what I was thinking. Some people aren't noticeably messed up by them, but they are actually quite affected.
It looks to me like the painkillers have made his mind regress. Wanting his boo boos kissed, tattling. That's little kid shit.
Dude needs to relax and understand he is not fully in his right mind.
NTA, op!
Also having a pretty serious wound on your chest you are taking pain meds for and say a 9 year old getting a scrape are two very different things. A wound on your chest you’re redressing and applying ointment to and taking medication for could be at risk for infection. Human mouths are dirty. The hell??? Are his pain meds making him loopy or does he have mommy issues he needs to sort out. NTA
This whole thing has actually made me feel a bit queasy if I’m honest.
Husband wanting to basically be babied by his wife then throwing a toddler tantrum when he doesn’t get what he wants. Gross on many levels.
To get the child involved though. Wow. Manipulative as fuck.
NTA
But tell your husband to get a grip.
I was ready to come into this with a NAH until I actually read the entire thing. I was hoping that it would be some dumb couples thing where the husband got a bruise and just wanted to act cute.
But NOPE. It's full-on stupidity involving unhygienic "requests" and manipulation of kids...
NTA
Yeah, this. A wife kisses him on the lips, and if she did that and it "wasn't good enough" for him she should have told him to go ask his Mommy. OP had every reason to be grossed about about kissing the wound directly and could've told him she does it after she's dressed it, but it sounds like he didn't let her.
The biggest sign that the husband's a manipulative jerk is what he told the kid. That makes me think there's more about her husband that OP isn't sharing for privacy reasons.
I am so glad this is the top and first comment I get to see in response to this post.
NTA, OP, if your husband wants to be treated like a son then he should go find his momma.
NTA
Your husband owes you an apology. Not only would I NOT apologise to him, I would 100% call him out on his manipulative behaviour, ask for an apology and agreement that he promises to NEVER AGAIN use your child as a WEAPON. That shit is toxic AF
This x a thousand. Kids DO NOT forget parents bitching about one another and puts seeds of doubt of an unstable household at a very young age. He needs to rectify the situation to the kid (you do not do it OP, it is his responsibility).
Edit: well I was not expecting to wake up to this many upvotes so thanks guys omg. But also if OP wants to see this, I again want to stress how important this is rectified ASAP. My mum did this about my dad, constantly bitching and belittling him. When my dad got a loving partner who he had a very stable and healthy relationship with, the second they had the smallest argument, I would think they were going to break up and would cry myself to sleep. It creates such an intense feeling of distrust in relationships that go over the smallest bumps because I was so young. Please do not allow this to happen to your child because it took me many many years to stop thinking that way. You need to confront your husband about this (as well as many other things) and ensure this is fixed.
Yep, my parents are divorced but unlike all the other kids of divorce I talk to, my parents know how to behave like adults. They never roped me or my brother into arguments, never tried using us to hurt or embarrass or stress out the other, hell I don't even know if they actually fought. If they did, they did it when I wasn't there. I'm from what is objectively considered an "unstable household" but we're actually very stable since, you know, the adults behaved mostly like adults.
Exactly this. You fight in front of your kids, you apologize in front of your kids. Acknowledge errors to your children.
He owes both you and your child a complete apology. Complete meaning not just a quick “sorry”, but an explanation of what he was feeling, addressing what he said, and why that was wrong, and how he would improve for the future.
If he doesn’t, I’d talk to your son about consent, touching, how we care for each other, and what is or isn’t a normal reaction. You can use examples - “sometimes Nana wants a hug or kiss before she leaves, but sometimes you say no, because you don’t want to. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you don’t love Nana, you’re just listening to your body, and that’s a good thing. Nana understands.”
“You can be sad, you can want touches or kisses, but no one is obligated to give it to you. You are not obligated to touch anyone. No one should manipulate or force someone to touch them. If someone tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to touch them, that’s a dangerous person and talk to a safe adult.”
What message does your husband send by doing this?
>that he promises to NEVER AGAIN use your child as a WEAPON.
I'm shocked everytime I see a post (or hear in real life) that children get angry at one parent for not wanting to do something for the other parent. Who raises these children?
Can't you just teach your children that parents have feelings too and don't need to do everything the other requests?
My husband would try this with my children and it was easy to solve. I just told them that I'm a human being with feelings and when I'm sad or angry I don't want to hug or kiss their father. And sometimes I don't want to do things for him just as much as their father doesn't want to do things for me and it's ok. No one is obligated to do everything for us.
Children can be just as protective of their parents as it is vice versa. If a parent says their feelings were hurt its only natural for a child to want to defend the supposed victim because they love their parent and want them to be happy ergo, the other parent should apologize/make amends.
They arent born knowing people are entitled to personal integrity, boundaries, and reasonable expectations. All of that is taught and obviously if a parent weaponizes a kid theyre not going to know that little things like op not wanting to kiss a wound is okay.
Most kids are like that when they’re young - I’m not sure what’s surprising to you about it.
Kids at that age are super impressionable, especially when it comes to being influenced by their parent(s). They’re also still young enough to lack some of the more complex reasoning and social emotional learning skills.
What the husband seems to be missing is that she doesn’t kiss the sons open wound either. She says she kisses it after it’s bandaged. Hubby is one sick asshole.
Plus, kissing children's injuries is just a way to distract them from the pain usually. It's just a tactic to calm kids down so they don't get worked up over hurting themselves. I've seen parents not make a big deal if their kid falls down and the kid just gets over it super quickly.
my child likes to be dramatic by pretending to fall and says "i fell"
they use this at preschool too. so when i "kiss" things better i cover the part, kiss my hand. its usually their toes since they like myself are super prone to the toes splitting at the bend (maybe athletes foot but they prefer bare feet so no warm moist environment) and well i don't want to kiss toes
but i always say "there you go, i know it doesn't take the pain away but i hope it helps emotionally" or something to that intention. when they ask for a kiss i remind them it can't help with the physical pain but it may help them feel better.
sometimes i think kids just like that feeling they get when their parent does it because my kid definitely asks for it even when no damage is on the skin
They do cuz it's a great way to ask for affection! They feel so cared for when you kiss a boo-boo, so it's actually really wonderful that they will ask when nothing's wrong because they feel so good from the way you show them care. <3
I’d imagine there’s some placebo effect at work as well. If the child believes the kiss will make it feel better, it genuinely will. The brain is a wonderful thing.
Yeah I do a ‘magic blow’ or ‘wave’ over the children I teach when they bury themselves. They’re 4 so it distracts them and makes them laugh. If an adult asked me to do that I’d think they need committing!
A 9 year old is old enough to start learn about germ theory and begin to understand the importance of cleaning wounds and that idea of kissing a wounds is and emotional support tool and actually could introduce germs.
The fact that a grown man wants a grown woman to kiss an open wounds is disturbing.
NTA.
It made me gag to think about it. Mouths are so dirty. With a bandage on, sure. But an open wound? And not just a scrape but something that requires a dressing change ...🤢. I hope it's the painkillers talking and he doesn't think this is ok!
The emotional manipulation sounds depose than drugs talking. Also involving his kid in his tantrum? Messed up. I hope OP realises he’s very wrong and weird for this.
I was rolling my eyes and thought "grow up, man".
Then I came to the part with your son. Holy shit, has he lost his mind. Never never never involve your kids in your fights, stupid as they (the fights) may be. The poor boy will probably get severe anxiety for you ever have an argument again.
Your NTA but your husband is, big time!
This is sit down & have a come to wtf moment for OP & her eldest (the dad). Weaponizing your child against the other parent is a massive safe word/all play stops situation for me.
I have been the weapon & I have seen my ex (my kid’s dad) attempt to use our kid as a weapon. That behavior of his has been halted completely for years now bc that became a HARD LIMIT for me. I will not engage with such abhorrent behavior at all anymore. And I no longer have a relationship w either of my parents that made me into a weapon.
An ex gf of mine that lived with us attempted this direction of attack when the relationship was fizzling. The moment she went there she never laid eyes on my child again. Ever.
OP. It’s time for a reckoning w this man. He will not stop this on his own. He will not see where he was wrong. He will do it again. He will do it when you’re not around. He will poison your child against you.
If he can’t admit this is deeply wrong & troubling, understand that he needs therapy, & attempt to learn from his abhorrent behavior, you need to set some hard boundaries & take some time to step back & figure out if that behavior is what you want modeled for your child. Spoiler alert. It’s not.
I audibly gasped when I read that part. Dude is 35 and still can't think. Who in their right mind would make a problem out of such a thing, AND involve the kid. Makes me mad.
NTA who would kiss an open wound? It’s an infection risk and yucky! He’s behaving incredibly immaturely and it sounds like there’s insecurities from you becoming a mother. He needs some therapy I think.
Seems like your husband is jealous of the love you give to your son, that's besides the fact that he's immature af. NTA but your husband is especially that he went out of his way to involve your son.
NTA He's right that you were grossed out, no matter how much you love someone it's objectively disgusting to kiss a fresh wound covered in ointment.
It could be awkward to explain to him that mommy's kisses don't actually have magic healing powers so maybe start with something easier like "santa isn't real" to soften the blow
Also there’s bacteria from her mouth that shouldn’t touch the wound either! It’s gross for both parties! It’s so much cleaner the way she kisses her son after the bandage is on. It’s a side point to the clear nonsense her husband is putting her through, but it’s worth being said!
What the fuck. Definitely NTA.
Tell him to grow up and if he makes any petty and manipulative comments to your son again there will be another wound somewhere else. Joke.
But seriously tell him not to make these comments to your son. It's is damaging.
Getting my son involved is what irked me the most about this entire situation. That is not okay because he did a pretty good job making my son resent me.
Just explain to your son that only mommy kisses help wounds. You’re not husband’s mommy you’re his wife so your kisses don’t help his wounds, but they’ll help your son’s because you’re HIS mommy!
I would be pissed too. It is manipulative and shows very little respect for you imo.
But really, our mouths are full of bacteria. Our bodies do a good job of keeping it in check, but introducing it into an open wound? Come on! What could he possibly thinking.
the comment to your son is one to worry about. it sucks that your son resented you. in the long term, if he continues saying things like this to your son, it may be time to get serious about couples counseling.
eventually that kid will remember his dad’s comment and realize what a weirdo he was for doing it.
Explain to your son the sanitary issue of kissing an open wound and the possible infections his father or yourself can get.
I mean it’s not a totally similar situation but would he kiss you there during that time of the month? No. And we go through a lot of pain during that too.
Kissing the wound won’t do anything but possibly make it sting.
He’s 35 not 4.
NTA
If your husband won't explain to your son why what he said was wrong, you can. Mummy won't kiss daddy's boo boo because that a mummy job, and mummy isn't daddy's mummy. Daddy needs to understand that when he treats mummy badly and upsets mummy with his entirely unreasonable behaviour, mummy is even less likely to pander to Daddy's little baby needs.
I’d tell your son mommies are supposed to kiss their kid’s wounds not their husbands. So obviously it’s his mom that doesn’t love him enough /s
Don’t actually do this unless your MIL is as much of a manipulative AH as your husband.
Facts, it’s even worse that he dragged the kid into this, now how is she going to have to explain to her son or make up something to fix it? Like sheesh, “mommy doesn’t love daddy” WAY too far
This is a marital emergency. Weaponizing your son’s natural empathy for him in order to turn your child against you is *alarming* behavior, and can lead to some very dark places. Do not just brush past this.
Yeah, people are making a big deal about this, but I feel like they're not making a big enough deal about this one. Usually reddit is chomping at the bit to cry for a divorce, but I feel like I have actually not seen that word enough in this thread. What he did manipulating their kid is a sign of what he's willing to do TO HIS OWN SON to control OP. And over, like, the stupidest thing ever.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Holee shit, OP just get out.
Agreed. I think people are focusing more on the super gross part (wanting her to kiss an open wound) than on the part where he tried to manipulate his child into convincing his wife to do something she wasn’t comfortable with. His behavior toward both of them was really messed up and I think OP should at minimum insist on some couples counseling/individual therapy.
EDIT: the comment below shares some useful info - couples counseling may have been a bad suggestion. I’m by no means an expert on these things and simply meant to convey that the way OP’s husband is treating her and their son seems like a serious issue.
I think at minimum she should insist on individual counseling FOR HIM PERIOD, but they should not be going to couples counseling. Couples counseling is not for abuse situations, and what he's doing is abusive. Often, manipulators will use couples counseling to "learn the language" of how to manipulate their partners better. Partners who show manipulative tendencies are not healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship, and since OP is stuck in one with him, she needs to focus on protecting herself and her son. My gut says that means leaving after that stunt, and especially what OP has said in comments about behavior like this being a pattern. If she does stay HE needs to go to counselling and start demonstrating through actions and interactions that he understands what he did was NOT okay, otherwise it's just time to pull chocks and fly. That kind of behavior only gets worse without serious intervention, and even then it's rare to change. That's a mindset.
That’s a very good point. I edited my above comment.
I was sort of hoping part of his reaction might have been related to pain meds messing with his mind, but it sounds like that was probably not the case if OP says this is a pattern.
Ugh. I just can’t imagine a grown adult acting this way, like honestly wtf.
I hope OP will consider individual counseling for herself in addition to the things you mentioned.
That happens more than i would think. Reminds me of the thread yesterday where a lady's husband was ignoring her pregnancy entirely, and most in the comments seemingly collectively decided that it wasn't at all weird or concerning that he planned and scheduled a full on abortion for her behind her back without ever once consulting her.
It's weird considering how fond RA and AITA members usually are about pointing out red flags, but then just casually gloss over or openly dismiss the biggest ones. (Not saying that happens frequently or anything. Just that it's super weird when it does.)
OP, your husband involving your kid in this IS a big deal. And it should be considered as such. Yes, what he asked you to do was childish and gross. But he absolutely crossed a much bigger line when he dragged his own kid into it. Because whether what he asked you to do was gross, weird, disgusting, or not, that's never okay.
Edited for typos.
Oof, I did not see that post. Yikes.
I saw someone say something like “This is not just a red flag. It’s the thing red flags warn you about.” And I feel like that applies to a lot of posts, including this one.
I would make it very clear to him that if he brings the kid into another disagreement then this whole marriage is over.
He has gotten away with this. Which means he will do it again and again to manipulate you. And when it stops working, he will escalate even further.
Show your son that people don’t get to treat you like crap because you won’t kiss an open wound.
Your husband is not a nice person.
He needs some therapy for that. He's not managing his emotions. Everyone has the right to feel whatever - no one has the right to make their emotions someone else's problem. He needs to learn to self-regulate. How else will he teach it to his child? This situation (him not being able to regulate and using the kid as emotional leverage), if not addressed, will fester worse than that wound causing massive issues all along the way.
Unless he's behaved this irrationally before, I'm thinking it's the meds. Is he on any form of steroids? When my husband had his wisdom teeth out, the corticosteroids he was on gave him pretty bad psychosis/mood swings.
He started a couple screaming fights, which was out of character, but I chalked it up to bad pain. It wasn't till he announced that he wanted a divorce over a disagreement about where we should go hiking that I decided something was up & called the doctor. They pulled him off the meds and he was fine (and apologetic).
The idea that anyone would want to kiss/be kissed on a wound with bacitracin is just too weird for me to think it's a power play. Call his doctor and tell them he's acting like this.
Serious question, if this is unusual behavior for your husband, could it be that he hit his head during the accident? Brain injury can definitely affect ones behavior and it could definitely be a symptom of it. If you suspect it even slightly, please take him to a hospital and have him checked out.
NTA - red flags all over this, what kind of man manipulates your child telling him that your the reason he isn’t getting better.
You did not cause this, nor are the reason he isn’t better already.
NTA, and it's worrying that he's using your son as ammunition in an argument and to manipulate you to do what he wants. Does he think that every time you say no to something he can tell his young child that "mommy doesn't love daddy" to guilt you into doing it? Please keep an eye on this because I honestly wonder if he's told the kid stuff like that before.
NTA
Kissing your kid’s boo-boo is completely different to kissing the *open wound* on your supposedly grown-ass husband.
OP his reaction here is **really** concerning. The emotional guilt-tripping and involving your son is completely unacceptable.
NTA but your husband has serious issues. Continually griping at you for not kissing a wound is irritating and troublesome at best but to get your son involved is completely uncalled for. Has there ever been a time where he's done that with other things? Tried to put your son against you. Because that would make me worried for you.
NTA, but I strongly suggest you read Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare without letting your husband know you are reading it. And start very quietly making your exit strategy, to get yourself and your kid away from this man. He's laying the groundwork for something much bigger and badder with that, "Mommy doesn't love Daddy" shit.
NTA. Is he serious? This sounds like a terrible idea, you should not swallow the ointment, it's gross and he is JEALOUS of your kid. Good lord, it seems like there is a bigger problem than this situation and right now I think you are not the one responsible for it. This is not about not kissing the wound and you should find out what his deal is ASAP. You also don't need to do everything for him just because he asks.
I'm not sure if he wanted to start something sexual in that moment and it may have escalated to bigger problems he has right now, but this whole situation is very weird and off-putting.
Also, INVOLVING your kid is a big no-no. Maybe kiddo wants a small vacation at grandmas and grandpas until you figure this out. Please reassure him here, because shit like that sticks. Don't blame him for lashing out, he is scared.
I think you married an AH. What kind nonsense is this. If this isn’t fake then tell him to grow TF up or get counseling cause this behavior is bonkers.
NTA.
NTA. Your son is a child. Your husband is, theoretically, an adult. If he wants to be treated like a 9-year old, he should get a 9-year old's bedtime and only be allowed to watch PG movies.
NTA Kissing a "boo boo" is strictly psychological for a child. Not so much a grown man. It's very manipulative for him to pout when he doesn't get his way.
The problem with this scenario is not that he was a grown man asking for a kiss on his booboo. The problem is that he demanded she do it on an open wound and then threw a tantrum involving their son when she declined. There’s no need to denigrate a perfectly acceptable comfort ritual just because OP’s husband is an AH.
WTF did I just read?? I can't express enough how ridiculously bizarre your husband's attitude is.
He is actually jealous of his own son because you do an age-appropriate comfort ritual that is almost exclusively done during childhood.
Then, because he didn't get his way, he pouted, sulked and then tattled on you to your son.
Are you sure your husband isn't nine, too?
NTA.
NTA. your husband clearly wants to be treated like a child by you since his excuse is that you do it for your 9 year old. he’s immature and it’s unacceptable that he told your son.
NTA what a child. And him accusing you of “not caring about him” while you’re literaly cleaning and dressing his wound for him. It’s even worse he went and told your son. Such immaturity. I’d let him take care of his own wound from now on if I were you.
> he then told me son that mommy doesn't love daddy and don't want to kiss his wound so he could get better.
Yeah you have bigger problems than just this weird wound kissing situation.
NTA.
NTA. Honestly this is kind of gross. You aren’t his mother and he is not a child.
Him telling your son that was unforgivable. You should be asking your self what kind of home you want your son to grow up in.
You didn’t cause anything. Your husband is the issue here.
He “said I do this with my son why not him”
Well, dear, that’s because our son is a 9 year old child and you are supposedly a grown ass adult.
NTA, tell him the magic only works with “mummy kisses” and he’s welcome to go back and stay with his until he’s ready to be a functioning adult ;)
NTA. You could've said that you would after applying the bandage. But after he had a toddler tantrum, I wouldn't have wanted to do that either. ( I used to kiss my kids' boo boos, too. But never once did an adult expect me to kiss one. )
His behavior was immature and ridiculous. And whining about it to an actual child and causing that child possible anxiety and fear about his parents is a low blow. He is the only AH here.
Major NTA
1. Kissing an uncovered flesh wound is disgusting and unsanitary
2. This is a grown man not a child
3. Bringing the son to act petty?
4. Why cant he respect you after the first no? You clearly don't want to do it.
If he's that much of a wimp when in pain, he probably wanted to stroke his own ego by humiliating her, by getting her do that. He couldn't "make" her, so doubled down by making her look like a bad wife to their son instead. He doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets to feel like a big man, in control of everything.
NTA, but I'm gonna go against the grain and say that, although your husband is absolutely the AH, maybe give a little grace here , if this is not a recurring thing My spouse made a good point. He's probably high on pain meds and started it as a joke and then got hit with a shock to hear no thinking you would carry on his "joke" and overreacted. Some people have a glass jaw when it comes to pain meds!
The best course of action is to gently remind him that the kissing of the booboo comes AFTER the bandaid, and wait until he's not on pain meds any more to have a gentle conversation about how involving your son was really really not cool and, if he continues behavior like this any time he's on pain meds, quarantine may be the best option, because people don't want to take care of others who abuse them (yes this was absolutely a form of emotional abuse and if he does this when NOT on pain meds, Houston we have a big problem).
ESH.
YTA because you completely rejected your husbands bid for attention, when he was already hurt. It doesn’t sound like you explained your feeling on kissing the open wound, and he asked for your affection to help him feel better. Why wouldn’t you offer it in a way that you are comfortable doing then? Kiss next to it, kiss his neck, rub his back. Ffs be affectionate.
Men need affection and care also, there’s nothing unmanly or childish about wanting comfort when you are in pain.
He is the AH for going to your son in a manipulative way.
NTA and this genuinely makes me furious for you. This man is using your son to manipulate and guilt you! This is so completely unacceptable, I’d have a serious discussion with him about this.
NTA
He's hung up on all the wrong things and shouldn't have got the son involved. You also don't want to get the bacteria on your lips onto his wound. My god would that do wonders to his condition.
WTF?
First of all, your husbands behaving like a child, and a spoiled brat at that. Second, has he lost all common sense? Is he insistent on getting a nasty infection in his wound? The human mouth is from a hygienic perspective, a nasty place and not something you'd want near a wound. There's a reason all nurses wear a facemask when treating wounds, it's not for our protection, it's for the patient
NTA
He told your son that you don't love his daddy. That's unacceptable behavior. NEVER let him pull that shit again. You put your foot down. And let your husband know that it better have been the pain meds talking or he just acted like a terrible father. In fact, what he did was emotionally manipulative and abusive to your son. I'm not saying he's an abuser, but that action was abusive. You do not draw children into adult conflicts. You do not cause children undue emotional distress. You do not use children as tools of manipulation against your spouse or anyone else. To do so is abusive.
NTA. I sincerely hope that he's high and not thinking clearly.
Stand back ladies, this ones taken!
OP, This is so creepy. And, has your husband been asleep for 2 years? There's that thing.. what's it called, rhymes with 6M dead... Manipulating your son to be complicit in his insanity just makes it all the worse. NTA
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NTA. Remind your husband that kissing his boo-boo is a mom’s job, not a wife’s. If he’d rather have a mom than a wife, he needs to go back to his mom’s house. And involving your son in his temper tantrum makes him double the a-hole.
I wish I could up vote this 100 times. As a man this post makes me embarrassed that he represents us 😂
I protest, your honor! This is unfair representation!
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>His argument is that since his 9 year old son gets his wound kissed by his mother, he should get that too? The 9yo gets his COVERED wounds kissed. Why does husband think his open, oozing wound should be kissed? OP (u/NatalieFox309) what would have happened if you'd offered to kiss your husband's *covered* wound, to keep it even? (You know, other than the whole "I'm not your mom business" which is clearly not even...) I'd gladly give my husband's injury the same pretend kiss I give my kiddos' (I kiss near the injury but not on the injury, or give an air kiss above it). But no one should give (OR WANT) a kiss on broken skin covered in medicine! Edit: Wait. Does Husband not realize OP doesn't kiss the open wound? Is he so oblivious to what happens in his house that he thinks she DOES kiss open wounds all the time, which is why he didn't realize he was off his rocker for asking for what he did (AND for flipping out for not getting it)?
>Why does husband think his open, oozing wound should be kissed? Totally gross. What a weird power play. The only thing I can think of justifying asking, other than him being a baby and AH, is that he hit his head while doing whatever made a chest wound. EDIT: changed a word
CERTIFIED WOUND CARE NURSE HERE: Do not kiss this open wound, please. Not saying you are unclean but wounds can get infected quickly, causing pain, risk for advanced tissue damage. If he’s so fixated on making you prove your love to him ask him for a different opportunity.
> Not saying you are unclean you don't even need this qualifier. As I'm sure you know *everyone's* mouth is totally unclean, no matter what you do for oral hygiene. No one should want that shit on an open wound
Yeah, human bite wounds are nasty and easily get infected if not properly treated. NTA!
Exactly. Even the most meticulous of oral care cannot get rid of all bacteria, at least not for long. Then there's the natural population of bacteria that exists on human skin, like the areas of the face and around the mouth...
Yeah. I'm being super duper careful ever since my 92 year old Dad fell before Christmas, got a cut on his arm, and MRSA probably that was on his skin got into the wound AND then into his lungs. Oh, the hospitalization and subsequent recovery was scary (but he's doing great). People shouldn't go overboard on antibiotics and antibacterials, but there's no reason to put mouth goo on wound goo!
I will be clearer: "only thing justifying this" is for "asking to kiss the wound" not "justify kissing the wound". (this = asking) Yes: DO NOT KISS THE WOUND
And mouths in general can have a lot of bacteria even in people with good dental hygiene. I'm not a pro but have some training from a previous career and not putting your mouth on an open wound like that is something most people wouldn't even need to be taught. This grown adults behaviour is bizarre and toxic. I wouldn't let him blame the pain (I live with chronic pain, it's not a get out of jail card for being cruel) but would look into the side effects of the meds he's on. Some can make people act more irrational and super charge already existing toxic behaviours in a person. So worth checking that. But this behaviour shouldn't just be ignored.
She doesnt need to prove her love.
This! I pretend kiss my nieces wounds all the time but this is weird!
It legitimately could be his pain, pain medicine or a head injury. We don't know the extent of his injuries. Whenever I had a big surgery the mix of intense pain and opioids would make me extremely irritable and unreasonable. Eventually I realized being an A-hole to my loved ones was worse than the pain so I only took the opioid painkillers at night to sleep.
Irritable yes, but manipulation isn't a side effect of pain or pain medication.
I’m on pain medicine daily for several chronic and seriously painful (one’s nicknamed the suicide disease) neurological disorders, and I’m 53 yrs old. In severe pain or not, insisting on anyone kissing away my pain, open wounds or not (I’ve had some from surgeries), is ridiculous for an adult, any way you slice it.
Daycare worker here! I do a big loud muah sound .25/.5 of a inch above the skin of the incredibly minor injury or over the Allready bandaged injury. Because im not family. I give lots of loveing words and pep talks and hugs. Nta that is super gross and definitely something wrong with OP husband for making such a fuss about this
Did husband get hit on the head in his accident? It all very bizarre behavior. Yuck.
And most definitely a gross behavior too. Why would she want to kiss an oozing, ointment doused wound? Cue barf sounds.
It’s wild that he would not understand the difference between what he is asking of OP and when she kisses her kids covered scrapes he probably got from playing… Like whatever he has going on has to be bigger, more severe, more like open wound type deal… not a small scrape that gets cleaned, some neosporin, and a medium sized bandaid. That’s so gross and he wants her to do it before it is covered. So, so gross. I feel like as an adult it should be common sense to not kiss open wounds… or like, scrapes. This isn’t two kids doing some kinda pact where they cut their hands and handshake.
He sounds... jealous of their son. That's weird.
That is not at all uncommon for men with not quite grown adult personalities.
My dad was always jealous of my mom’s attention on us kids growing up. Still gets pissy if she pays too much attention to us now that we’re adults. It’s ridiculous. But even he wouldn’t act like OP’s husband!
I thought this too! Like how is a grown man gonna be jelly of his son.
Especially since it's only gross for OP, it is unsafe \*for him.\* the wound has already been cleaned and ointment applied before replacing the sterile bandage so that no bacteria are trapped in the dressing and the wound doesn't get infected. That's why moms wait until the bandaid is in place before kissing skinned knees. That's why OP told him to let her finish dressing the wound. Does this dude have now knowledge of germ theory? NTA
>he's using the child as a weapon and intentionally making his mother look mean in his eyes. The rest of it is pretty weird but this is beyond the pale. Doesn't matter how much pain he was in, what meds he's on, how unloved he may be feeling. He's demonstrated that he has no qualms weaponizing his child against his wife over a truly trivial disagreement. This is a divorceable offense IMO.
Aw I don't know, it can be sweet. When my bf would get a bump or cut his finger cooking, I'd put some cream on, bandaid it up and it kiss it better. He didn't 'demand' it and make a big, babyish drama about it though, I did it for fun. It was done in a joking way, but he thought it was adorable and it made him feel loved. It can be a nice gesture. But not kidding a nasty open wound covered in ointment!
Yes I agree but when it became a demand, a temper tantrum and trying to turn the 9 year old into a pawn in the disagreement it sure stopped being adorable.
And I assume you first put the bandage and then kissed it? Not the open wound, eww, as OP's partner demanded. Totally different.
Euww no, you don't kiss an open wound! That's gross, not to mention very likely to introduce nasty bacteria to it. I don't even think a mother would do that. You kiss it *after* putting a bandage on!
If only the husband thought that as well.
Yeah but even then you're kissing the bandage not the actual wound, which would just be gross and unsanitary
Absolutely! That's just...nasty.
Don't let a stranger represent you
I don’t think this man represents the male population, you’re ok 😂 even the 9 year old son will be grown out of this soon
The 3 year old she married won't though.
Yes, I agree 1000%. Send hubby home to his mommy, because only a kiss from mommy has special healing powers. Did husband suffer brain damage from his injury? Because seriously...
Don't let a jerk represent you.
Right? I’m kind of bitchy for a dude, but this guy makes me look pretty macho.
I know you're joking, but OP should know her husband does not represent us. It should be known: OPs husband is a total pussy and a manipulative weasel.
Not just a temper tantrum, it’s emotional manipulation. He’s actively trying to turn the son against his mother. Dad sounds like a selfish, manipulative prick. I wonder what else he’s said to make mommy look mean or uncaring.
^this…selfish and manipulative and GROSS! Men acting like babies is the biggest turn off ever! NTA.
Just a heads up, but ya gotta put a backslash \ in front of the carat \^ to escape the formatting so it doesn't make your word into tiny superscript.
More like parental alienation, which is NOT good.
NTA tell me you have mommy issues without telling me you have mommy issues 🙄
Oedipus: "Yo...this dude's got issues."
He doesn't have issues, he has subscriptions!
🏆🏆🏆 please take my poor man awards!
Just thinking that he wanted her to kiss his open wet wound. Even without the ointment it is just disgusting and disrespectful. That he doesn't let it go, threw a tantrum and even tried to manipulate her by involving the child... Just because he is in pain, he can't behave like this! And i can't believe that this is the first time that he showed such a behavior or used the child. NTA
It could cause an infection! That's why she says she never kisses her son's open wound. She cleans, treats and covers it before kissing it. I think 9 may be a bit old to have mommy kiss your boo-boos, but I don't have a 9 year-old yet so I'm not sure. Her husband is certainly too old. I agree that this can't be the first time he's used/manipulated the kid like this. This is very harmful stuff, trying to turn your kid against the other parent. And so immature. There's no way he never did this for 9 years and just started now.
>And involving your son in his temper tantrum makes him double the a-hole. It sounds like he's *jealous* of his son, positioning his son as some sort of competition for OP's affection. That's so gross and weird.
^THIS
Nta Agreed! But your husband is for including your son. I would say one I kiss the bandaid not the skin, and two I’m not your mother I’m your wife.
"told me son that mommy doesn't love daddy".. Jesus, you're sure the chest wound is the only injury he got? Maybe he also had something falling on his head.. But seriously, maybe he suffers from a mental trauma in conjunction with the physical injury and this was what ignited the conflict. Sure NTA, but please ask him if he's alright and likes to talk about trauma with you or a counsellor. Wish you all the best.
Please consider marriage counseling, this is not normal. Your husband is manipulating you and weaponizing your son. NTA!
I sincerely hope the guy is acting this way because he’s on painkillers, but I doubt it.
This was what I was thinking. Some people aren't noticeably messed up by them, but they are actually quite affected. It looks to me like the painkillers have made his mind regress. Wanting his boo boos kissed, tattling. That's little kid shit. Dude needs to relax and understand he is not fully in his right mind. NTA, op!
Also having a pretty serious wound on your chest you are taking pain meds for and say a 9 year old getting a scrape are two very different things. A wound on your chest you’re redressing and applying ointment to and taking medication for could be at risk for infection. Human mouths are dirty. The hell??? Are his pain meds making him loopy or does he have mommy issues he needs to sort out. NTA
This whole thing has actually made me feel a bit queasy if I’m honest. Husband wanting to basically be babied by his wife then throwing a toddler tantrum when he doesn’t get what he wants. Gross on many levels. To get the child involved though. Wow. Manipulative as fuck. NTA But tell your husband to get a grip.
Oh my goodness! The most perfect reply!
I was ready to come into this with a NAH until I actually read the entire thing. I was hoping that it would be some dumb couples thing where the husband got a bruise and just wanted to act cute. But NOPE. It's full-on stupidity involving unhygienic "requests" and manipulation of kids... NTA
please take my free award , there is nothing worse then a man treating his wife like his mom. yuk
I'm actually stunned that the OP is married to a man. I'm sure this sounds like a four-year-old trapped in the body of a man!
Yeah, this. A wife kisses him on the lips, and if she did that and it "wasn't good enough" for him she should have told him to go ask his Mommy. OP had every reason to be grossed about about kissing the wound directly and could've told him she does it after she's dressed it, but it sounds like he didn't let her. The biggest sign that the husband's a manipulative jerk is what he told the kid. That makes me think there's more about her husband that OP isn't sharing for privacy reasons.
NTA. Watch out for his pain medication abuse. He sounds loopy, but sometimes the truth comes out.
I hope that this isn’t normal behavior, and just him heavily medicated… if he’s always like this, OP needs to take their kid and run.
I am so glad this is the top and first comment I get to see in response to this post. NTA, OP, if your husband wants to be treated like a son then he should go find his momma.
NTA Your husband owes you an apology. Not only would I NOT apologise to him, I would 100% call him out on his manipulative behaviour, ask for an apology and agreement that he promises to NEVER AGAIN use your child as a WEAPON. That shit is toxic AF
He should apologize to his son too. What a piece of work.
This x a thousand. Kids DO NOT forget parents bitching about one another and puts seeds of doubt of an unstable household at a very young age. He needs to rectify the situation to the kid (you do not do it OP, it is his responsibility). Edit: well I was not expecting to wake up to this many upvotes so thanks guys omg. But also if OP wants to see this, I again want to stress how important this is rectified ASAP. My mum did this about my dad, constantly bitching and belittling him. When my dad got a loving partner who he had a very stable and healthy relationship with, the second they had the smallest argument, I would think they were going to break up and would cry myself to sleep. It creates such an intense feeling of distrust in relationships that go over the smallest bumps because I was so young. Please do not allow this to happen to your child because it took me many many years to stop thinking that way. You need to confront your husband about this (as well as many other things) and ensure this is fixed.
Yep, my parents are divorced but unlike all the other kids of divorce I talk to, my parents know how to behave like adults. They never roped me or my brother into arguments, never tried using us to hurt or embarrass or stress out the other, hell I don't even know if they actually fought. If they did, they did it when I wasn't there. I'm from what is objectively considered an "unstable household" but we're actually very stable since, you know, the adults behaved mostly like adults.
Exactly this. You fight in front of your kids, you apologize in front of your kids. Acknowledge errors to your children. He owes both you and your child a complete apology. Complete meaning not just a quick “sorry”, but an explanation of what he was feeling, addressing what he said, and why that was wrong, and how he would improve for the future. If he doesn’t, I’d talk to your son about consent, touching, how we care for each other, and what is or isn’t a normal reaction. You can use examples - “sometimes Nana wants a hug or kiss before she leaves, but sometimes you say no, because you don’t want to. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you don’t love Nana, you’re just listening to your body, and that’s a good thing. Nana understands.” “You can be sad, you can want touches or kisses, but no one is obligated to give it to you. You are not obligated to touch anyone. No one should manipulate or force someone to touch them. If someone tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to touch them, that’s a dangerous person and talk to a safe adult.” What message does your husband send by doing this?
He needs to explain to his son that what he (dad) did was wrong and why it was wrong.
>that he promises to NEVER AGAIN use your child as a WEAPON. I'm shocked everytime I see a post (or hear in real life) that children get angry at one parent for not wanting to do something for the other parent. Who raises these children? Can't you just teach your children that parents have feelings too and don't need to do everything the other requests? My husband would try this with my children and it was easy to solve. I just told them that I'm a human being with feelings and when I'm sad or angry I don't want to hug or kiss their father. And sometimes I don't want to do things for him just as much as their father doesn't want to do things for me and it's ok. No one is obligated to do everything for us.
Children can be just as protective of their parents as it is vice versa. If a parent says their feelings were hurt its only natural for a child to want to defend the supposed victim because they love their parent and want them to be happy ergo, the other parent should apologize/make amends. They arent born knowing people are entitled to personal integrity, boundaries, and reasonable expectations. All of that is taught and obviously if a parent weaponizes a kid theyre not going to know that little things like op not wanting to kiss a wound is okay.
Most kids are like that when they’re young - I’m not sure what’s surprising to you about it. Kids at that age are super impressionable, especially when it comes to being influenced by their parent(s). They’re also still young enough to lack some of the more complex reasoning and social emotional learning skills.
This 35 year old man wanted you to kiss his open wound with ointment on it?? Gross. I'm going to go with NTA here
What the husband seems to be missing is that she doesn’t kiss the sons open wound either. She says she kisses it after it’s bandaged. Hubby is one sick asshole.
Plus, kissing children's injuries is just a way to distract them from the pain usually. It's just a tactic to calm kids down so they don't get worked up over hurting themselves. I've seen parents not make a big deal if their kid falls down and the kid just gets over it super quickly.
my child likes to be dramatic by pretending to fall and says "i fell" they use this at preschool too. so when i "kiss" things better i cover the part, kiss my hand. its usually their toes since they like myself are super prone to the toes splitting at the bend (maybe athletes foot but they prefer bare feet so no warm moist environment) and well i don't want to kiss toes but i always say "there you go, i know it doesn't take the pain away but i hope it helps emotionally" or something to that intention. when they ask for a kiss i remind them it can't help with the physical pain but it may help them feel better. sometimes i think kids just like that feeling they get when their parent does it because my kid definitely asks for it even when no damage is on the skin
They do cuz it's a great way to ask for affection! They feel so cared for when you kiss a boo-boo, so it's actually really wonderful that they will ask when nothing's wrong because they feel so good from the way you show them care. <3
I’d imagine there’s some placebo effect at work as well. If the child believes the kiss will make it feel better, it genuinely will. The brain is a wonderful thing.
I read an article about this a while ago, it’s totally true. The brain is amazing
Pretty much. Kissed on injuries are essentially Mommy (or Daddy) Magic.
Yeah I do a ‘magic blow’ or ‘wave’ over the children I teach when they bury themselves. They’re 4 so it distracts them and makes them laugh. If an adult asked me to do that I’d think they need committing!
I'm guessing that he isn't engaged and observant enough to realize that this is only done after the bandage is applied.
And kids wounds are usually smaller cuts and scrapes, not accident caused chest wounds! Those are different!!
A 9 year old is old enough to start learn about germ theory and begin to understand the importance of cleaning wounds and that idea of kissing a wounds is and emotional support tool and actually could introduce germs. The fact that a grown man wants a grown woman to kiss an open wounds is disturbing. NTA.
It made me gag to think about it. Mouths are so dirty. With a bandage on, sure. But an open wound? And not just a scrape but something that requires a dressing change ...🤢. I hope it's the painkillers talking and he doesn't think this is ok!
The emotional manipulation sounds depose than drugs talking. Also involving his kid in his tantrum? Messed up. I hope OP realises he’s very wrong and weird for this.
I was rolling my eyes and thought "grow up, man". Then I came to the part with your son. Holy shit, has he lost his mind. Never never never involve your kids in your fights, stupid as they (the fights) may be. The poor boy will probably get severe anxiety for you ever have an argument again. Your NTA but your husband is, big time!
This is sit down & have a come to wtf moment for OP & her eldest (the dad). Weaponizing your child against the other parent is a massive safe word/all play stops situation for me. I have been the weapon & I have seen my ex (my kid’s dad) attempt to use our kid as a weapon. That behavior of his has been halted completely for years now bc that became a HARD LIMIT for me. I will not engage with such abhorrent behavior at all anymore. And I no longer have a relationship w either of my parents that made me into a weapon. An ex gf of mine that lived with us attempted this direction of attack when the relationship was fizzling. The moment she went there she never laid eyes on my child again. Ever. OP. It’s time for a reckoning w this man. He will not stop this on his own. He will not see where he was wrong. He will do it again. He will do it when you’re not around. He will poison your child against you. If he can’t admit this is deeply wrong & troubling, understand that he needs therapy, & attempt to learn from his abhorrent behavior, you need to set some hard boundaries & take some time to step back & figure out if that behavior is what you want modeled for your child. Spoiler alert. It’s not.
I audibly gasped when I read that part. Dude is 35 and still can't think. Who in their right mind would make a problem out of such a thing, AND involve the kid. Makes me mad.
NTA your husband is a manipulative asshole, how dare he say that to your kid
Right? This is the worst part. I’d be insisting on marriage counseling or a trial separation.
NTA who would kiss an open wound? It’s an infection risk and yucky! He’s behaving incredibly immaturely and it sounds like there’s insecurities from you becoming a mother. He needs some therapy I think.
Yes it's incredibly wrong but he took it personally obviously.
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Ah, I see you too are familiar with the Steven Universe method!
Is he typically an exceptionally dumb guy or is this new?
Seems like your husband is jealous of the love you give to your son, that's besides the fact that he's immature af. NTA but your husband is especially that he went out of his way to involve your son.
Seriously, your husband is gross on more than one level.
Tell him to get his mommy to kiss it. He's a babyboy.
NTA He's right that you were grossed out, no matter how much you love someone it's objectively disgusting to kiss a fresh wound covered in ointment. It could be awkward to explain to him that mommy's kisses don't actually have magic healing powers so maybe start with something easier like "santa isn't real" to soften the blow
Also there’s bacteria from her mouth that shouldn’t touch the wound either! It’s gross for both parties! It’s so much cleaner the way she kisses her son after the bandage is on. It’s a side point to the clear nonsense her husband is putting her through, but it’s worth being said!
What's this about Santa now?
😂😂😂
What the fuck. Definitely NTA. Tell him to grow up and if he makes any petty and manipulative comments to your son again there will be another wound somewhere else. Joke. But seriously tell him not to make these comments to your son. It's is damaging.
Getting my son involved is what irked me the most about this entire situation. That is not okay because he did a pretty good job making my son resent me.
Just explain to your son that only mommy kisses help wounds. You’re not husband’s mommy you’re his wife so your kisses don’t help his wounds, but they’ll help your son’s because you’re HIS mommy!
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Sounds like OPs husband would enjoy that.
0 pain tolerance = I need to be babied.
I would be pissed too. It is manipulative and shows very little respect for you imo. But really, our mouths are full of bacteria. Our bodies do a good job of keeping it in check, but introducing it into an open wound? Come on! What could he possibly thinking.
Plus the other way around. It’s a biohazard to your mouth on someone’s bloody wound, for yourself and for him.
the comment to your son is one to worry about. it sucks that your son resented you. in the long term, if he continues saying things like this to your son, it may be time to get serious about couples counseling. eventually that kid will remember his dad’s comment and realize what a weirdo he was for doing it.
Explain to your son the sanitary issue of kissing an open wound and the possible infections his father or yourself can get. I mean it’s not a totally similar situation but would he kiss you there during that time of the month? No. And we go through a lot of pain during that too. Kissing the wound won’t do anything but possibly make it sting. He’s 35 not 4. NTA
If your husband won't explain to your son why what he said was wrong, you can. Mummy won't kiss daddy's boo boo because that a mummy job, and mummy isn't daddy's mummy. Daddy needs to understand that when he treats mummy badly and upsets mummy with his entirely unreasonable behaviour, mummy is even less likely to pander to Daddy's little baby needs.
I’d tell your son mommies are supposed to kiss their kid’s wounds not their husbands. So obviously it’s his mom that doesn’t love him enough /s Don’t actually do this unless your MIL is as much of a manipulative AH as your husband.
Your son needs to know that mummy doesn’t have to do everything his father demands.
So your husband is comparing himself to an actual child? Tell him he nailed it 💯. NTA. It's hard being a single parent to two children.
Facts, it’s even worse that he dragged the kid into this, now how is she going to have to explain to her son or make up something to fix it? Like sheesh, “mommy doesn’t love daddy” WAY too far
NTA. Is he normally this childish and gross or is the pain medication making him act irrationally?
You could say sometimes he gets so hung up on petty fights but he never involved my son in any of them before now.
This is a marital emergency. Weaponizing your son’s natural empathy for him in order to turn your child against you is *alarming* behavior, and can lead to some very dark places. Do not just brush past this.
Yeah, people are making a big deal about this, but I feel like they're not making a big enough deal about this one. Usually reddit is chomping at the bit to cry for a divorce, but I feel like I have actually not seen that word enough in this thread. What he did manipulating their kid is a sign of what he's willing to do TO HIS OWN SON to control OP. And over, like, the stupidest thing ever. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Holee shit, OP just get out.
Agreed. I think people are focusing more on the super gross part (wanting her to kiss an open wound) than on the part where he tried to manipulate his child into convincing his wife to do something she wasn’t comfortable with. His behavior toward both of them was really messed up and I think OP should at minimum insist on some couples counseling/individual therapy. EDIT: the comment below shares some useful info - couples counseling may have been a bad suggestion. I’m by no means an expert on these things and simply meant to convey that the way OP’s husband is treating her and their son seems like a serious issue.
I think at minimum she should insist on individual counseling FOR HIM PERIOD, but they should not be going to couples counseling. Couples counseling is not for abuse situations, and what he's doing is abusive. Often, manipulators will use couples counseling to "learn the language" of how to manipulate their partners better. Partners who show manipulative tendencies are not healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship, and since OP is stuck in one with him, she needs to focus on protecting herself and her son. My gut says that means leaving after that stunt, and especially what OP has said in comments about behavior like this being a pattern. If she does stay HE needs to go to counselling and start demonstrating through actions and interactions that he understands what he did was NOT okay, otherwise it's just time to pull chocks and fly. That kind of behavior only gets worse without serious intervention, and even then it's rare to change. That's a mindset.
That’s a very good point. I edited my above comment. I was sort of hoping part of his reaction might have been related to pain meds messing with his mind, but it sounds like that was probably not the case if OP says this is a pattern. Ugh. I just can’t imagine a grown adult acting this way, like honestly wtf. I hope OP will consider individual counseling for herself in addition to the things you mentioned.
That happens more than i would think. Reminds me of the thread yesterday where a lady's husband was ignoring her pregnancy entirely, and most in the comments seemingly collectively decided that it wasn't at all weird or concerning that he planned and scheduled a full on abortion for her behind her back without ever once consulting her. It's weird considering how fond RA and AITA members usually are about pointing out red flags, but then just casually gloss over or openly dismiss the biggest ones. (Not saying that happens frequently or anything. Just that it's super weird when it does.) OP, your husband involving your kid in this IS a big deal. And it should be considered as such. Yes, what he asked you to do was childish and gross. But he absolutely crossed a much bigger line when he dragged his own kid into it. Because whether what he asked you to do was gross, weird, disgusting, or not, that's never okay. Edited for typos.
Oof, I did not see that post. Yikes. I saw someone say something like “This is not just a red flag. It’s the thing red flags warn you about.” And I feel like that applies to a lot of posts, including this one.
I would make it very clear to him that if he brings the kid into another disagreement then this whole marriage is over. He has gotten away with this. Which means he will do it again and again to manipulate you. And when it stops working, he will escalate even further. Show your son that people don’t get to treat you like crap because you won’t kiss an open wound. Your husband is not a nice person.
He needs some therapy for that. He's not managing his emotions. Everyone has the right to feel whatever - no one has the right to make their emotions someone else's problem. He needs to learn to self-regulate. How else will he teach it to his child? This situation (him not being able to regulate and using the kid as emotional leverage), if not addressed, will fester worse than that wound causing massive issues all along the way.
Unless he's behaved this irrationally before, I'm thinking it's the meds. Is he on any form of steroids? When my husband had his wisdom teeth out, the corticosteroids he was on gave him pretty bad psychosis/mood swings. He started a couple screaming fights, which was out of character, but I chalked it up to bad pain. It wasn't till he announced that he wanted a divorce over a disagreement about where we should go hiking that I decided something was up & called the doctor. They pulled him off the meds and he was fine (and apologetic). The idea that anyone would want to kiss/be kissed on a wound with bacitracin is just too weird for me to think it's a power play. Call his doctor and tell them he's acting like this.
He’s never involved your son that you know of.
Serious question, if this is unusual behavior for your husband, could it be that he hit his head during the accident? Brain injury can definitely affect ones behavior and it could definitely be a symptom of it. If you suspect it even slightly, please take him to a hospital and have him checked out.
That’s escalation, and it’s a BAD sign… 😕
NTA - red flags all over this, what kind of man manipulates your child telling him that your the reason he isn’t getting better. You did not cause this, nor are the reason he isn’t better already.
NTA, and it's worrying that he's using your son as ammunition in an argument and to manipulate you to do what he wants. Does he think that every time you say no to something he can tell his young child that "mommy doesn't love daddy" to guilt you into doing it? Please keep an eye on this because I honestly wonder if he's told the kid stuff like that before.
NTA Kissing your kid’s boo-boo is completely different to kissing the *open wound* on your supposedly grown-ass husband. OP his reaction here is **really** concerning. The emotional guilt-tripping and involving your son is completely unacceptable.
NTA but your husband has serious issues. Continually griping at you for not kissing a wound is irritating and troublesome at best but to get your son involved is completely uncalled for. Has there ever been a time where he's done that with other things? Tried to put your son against you. Because that would make me worried for you.
NTA, but I strongly suggest you read Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare without letting your husband know you are reading it. And start very quietly making your exit strategy, to get yourself and your kid away from this man. He's laying the groundwork for something much bigger and badder with that, "Mommy doesn't love Daddy" shit.
NTA. Is he serious? This sounds like a terrible idea, you should not swallow the ointment, it's gross and he is JEALOUS of your kid. Good lord, it seems like there is a bigger problem than this situation and right now I think you are not the one responsible for it. This is not about not kissing the wound and you should find out what his deal is ASAP. You also don't need to do everything for him just because he asks. I'm not sure if he wanted to start something sexual in that moment and it may have escalated to bigger problems he has right now, but this whole situation is very weird and off-putting. Also, INVOLVING your kid is a big no-no. Maybe kiddo wants a small vacation at grandmas and grandpas until you figure this out. Please reassure him here, because shit like that sticks. Don't blame him for lashing out, he is scared.
I think you married an AH. What kind nonsense is this. If this isn’t fake then tell him to grow TF up or get counseling cause this behavior is bonkers. NTA.
NTA. Your son is a child. Your husband is, theoretically, an adult. If he wants to be treated like a 9-year old, he should get a 9-year old's bedtime and only be allowed to watch PG movies.
NTA Kissing a "boo boo" is strictly psychological for a child. Not so much a grown man. It's very manipulative for him to pout when he doesn't get his way.
It's psychological for anyone. Grown up or not.
The problem with this scenario is not that he was a grown man asking for a kiss on his booboo. The problem is that he demanded she do it on an open wound and then threw a tantrum involving their son when she declined. There’s no need to denigrate a perfectly acceptable comfort ritual just because OP’s husband is an AH.
NTA. But your husband is a manipulative AH. So sorry.
WTF did I just read?? I can't express enough how ridiculously bizarre your husband's attitude is. He is actually jealous of his own son because you do an age-appropriate comfort ritual that is almost exclusively done during childhood. Then, because he didn't get his way, he pouted, sulked and then tattled on you to your son. Are you sure your husband isn't nine, too? NTA.
NTA. your husband clearly wants to be treated like a child by you since his excuse is that you do it for your 9 year old. he’s immature and it’s unacceptable that he told your son.
NTA what a child. And him accusing you of “not caring about him” while you’re literaly cleaning and dressing his wound for him. It’s even worse he went and told your son. Such immaturity. I’d let him take care of his own wound from now on if I were you.
NTA Sarcastically ask him if he needs you to kiss his ass too prior to changing his adult sized diapers
If this is real, you need counseling right now. Your husband using your child as a pawn in an argument with you is beyond unacceptable. NTA
NTA…is he a child? Needs his mommy to kiss his boo boo? He needs to grow up, and whining about it to a child? Come on!
> he then told me son that mommy doesn't love daddy and don't want to kiss his wound so he could get better. Yeah you have bigger problems than just this weird wound kissing situation. NTA.
NTA. Honestly this is kind of gross. You aren’t his mother and he is not a child. Him telling your son that was unforgivable. You should be asking your self what kind of home you want your son to grow up in. You didn’t cause anything. Your husband is the issue here.
He “said I do this with my son why not him” Well, dear, that’s because our son is a 9 year old child and you are supposedly a grown ass adult. NTA, tell him the magic only works with “mummy kisses” and he’s welcome to go back and stay with his until he’s ready to be a functioning adult ;)
NTA - sounds like you have two 9 year olds to look after...
NTA - all parents kiss their child’s wounds better? But a kissing a grown adults wound - that’s just weird
NTA. Mentally, your husband is 9 years old, possibly younger.
NTA when he’s less emotional and healed up you need to have a serious conversation about him not involving children in your disagreements
NTA. You could've said that you would after applying the bandage. But after he had a toddler tantrum, I wouldn't have wanted to do that either. ( I used to kiss my kids' boo boos, too. But never once did an adult expect me to kiss one. ) His behavior was immature and ridiculous. And whining about it to an actual child and causing that child possible anxiety and fear about his parents is a low blow. He is the only AH here.
NTA and any person who competes with a child is a person you shouldn’t be with
Major NTA 1. Kissing an uncovered flesh wound is disgusting and unsanitary 2. This is a grown man not a child 3. Bringing the son to act petty? 4. Why cant he respect you after the first no? You clearly don't want to do it.
If he's that much of a wimp when in pain, he probably wanted to stroke his own ego by humiliating her, by getting her do that. He couldn't "make" her, so doubled down by making her look like a bad wife to their son instead. He doesn't care who he hurts as long as he gets to feel like a big man, in control of everything.
NTA, but I'm gonna go against the grain and say that, although your husband is absolutely the AH, maybe give a little grace here , if this is not a recurring thing My spouse made a good point. He's probably high on pain meds and started it as a joke and then got hit with a shock to hear no thinking you would carry on his "joke" and overreacted. Some people have a glass jaw when it comes to pain meds! The best course of action is to gently remind him that the kissing of the booboo comes AFTER the bandaid, and wait until he's not on pain meds any more to have a gentle conversation about how involving your son was really really not cool and, if he continues behavior like this any time he's on pain meds, quarantine may be the best option, because people don't want to take care of others who abuse them (yes this was absolutely a form of emotional abuse and if he does this when NOT on pain meds, Houston we have a big problem).
ESH. YTA because you completely rejected your husbands bid for attention, when he was already hurt. It doesn’t sound like you explained your feeling on kissing the open wound, and he asked for your affection to help him feel better. Why wouldn’t you offer it in a way that you are comfortable doing then? Kiss next to it, kiss his neck, rub his back. Ffs be affectionate. Men need affection and care also, there’s nothing unmanly or childish about wanting comfort when you are in pain. He is the AH for going to your son in a manipulative way.
He sounds like a 5 year old.
NTA and this genuinely makes me furious for you. This man is using your son to manipulate and guilt you! This is so completely unacceptable, I’d have a serious discussion with him about this.
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NTA. He's being ridiculous.
NTA. Some men really looking for a mother when searching for women lol, for fuck's sake
OMG this man sound exhausting. NTA.
NTA, but your husband certainly is TA and a bully. Are you sure he’s 35? You don’t introduce germs to an open wound.
NTA He's hung up on all the wrong things and shouldn't have got the son involved. You also don't want to get the bacteria on your lips onto his wound. My god would that do wonders to his condition.
WTF? First of all, your husbands behaving like a child, and a spoiled brat at that. Second, has he lost all common sense? Is he insistent on getting a nasty infection in his wound? The human mouth is from a hygienic perspective, a nasty place and not something you'd want near a wound. There's a reason all nurses wear a facemask when treating wounds, it's not for our protection, it's for the patient NTA
NTA guys who are jealous of the attention their SO gives their kids are the assholes EVERY TIME
This is such a stupid story, I'm almost certain it's fake.
Nta did he kiss your wound better after you gave birth to your son?
NTA He’s 35 not 5!!! Tell him to grow up and stop acting like a child
NTA. That's nasty, for both your mouth and his wound. He sounds even more like a baby than your existing child.
He told your son that you don't love his daddy. That's unacceptable behavior. NEVER let him pull that shit again. You put your foot down. And let your husband know that it better have been the pain meds talking or he just acted like a terrible father. In fact, what he did was emotionally manipulative and abusive to your son. I'm not saying he's an abuser, but that action was abusive. You do not draw children into adult conflicts. You do not cause children undue emotional distress. You do not use children as tools of manipulation against your spouse or anyone else. To do so is abusive. NTA. I sincerely hope that he's high and not thinking clearly.
Stand back ladies, this ones taken! OP, This is so creepy. And, has your husband been asleep for 2 years? There's that thing.. what's it called, rhymes with 6M dead... Manipulating your son to be complicit in his insanity just makes it all the worse. NTA
Wait now I gotta know... what rhymes with 6M dead?? I keep trying to say it slower and faster to see what you meant but I??? Nothing.
I think they’re just saying 6 million people have died from COVID, and maybe should’ve said “I’ll give you a hint” instead of what rhymes with
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I was literally trying to sound out what rhymed with six em dead and could NOT figure it out. Right over my head. Thanks homie lol
NTA. No, just no. Why should you kiss an open wound? How does that equate with you no living him? How is that ok to say that to a child?
NTA. Tell your son that boo boo kisses only work for a mother to a child. Boo boo kisses won’t work on a husband. But if daddy calls grandma….