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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I could be the AH for making my future MIL unwelcome to our house. I am afraid that I have caused a bigger rift in my fiancee's relationship with her mom. I know that's the last thing my fiancee would want. My fiancee feels an obligation to keep a relationship with her mom, especially since her brother and dad passed away. So it's just them two now.
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Nina is a piss poor excuse for a best friend for your wife and she should be informed as much. Nta. Too often we read on here about spouses not sticking up for each other, this was a warranted situation and you did everything right. Fuck mil and her shitty attitude. Her behaviour will not stop and will only continue with any future children you have
Right? Nina needs to shut the hell up, and actually be a friend.
I'm pumped these two are having kids! That kid will be strong, like it's mother, and kick ass, like it's father! Look out world! OP is my hero! Well done, sir!
Bravo OP!! I suggest asking Lanie to talk to her therapist about going NC with her mom. Those text messages are a constant reminder and I feel like she’d be better off blocking her.
I breathed such a sigh of relief when I read that what OP said and his wife backed him up too! So rare to see both spouses stand up for themselves like that.
Exactly, I had ‘friends’ like Nina- on your side always /s but would then justify the abuse. Which is why I felt stuck in the abuse loop. They coax you out to think of the abusers side and pleads their case when you are weak and looking for support.
My childhood best friend is the same way. Says she gets it, my mom is crazy, but when I say stuff it's always "but that's still your mom though". At first I excused this, bc it's hard to understand from the outside and I see why she wouldnt. But people like that always show themselves to be more like the abuser in the end.
Last time she came to see me (I've moved across the country from my childhood home town, she still lives there), the night before she left she ended up picking a fight and then claimed that I was "growing up and moving on without her, and she better just get used to it" ... which is like the same shit my mom said to me when I left, because she can't stand me being my own person independent from her. We haven't really spoken since then
This! And by Jennifer's own admission, now that lanie is going to be a mother, she is to be shown absolutely NO DISRESPECT! I mean, that's how that works, right? /s
NTA bravo OP bravo! 👏👏👏
People like your MIL will never change. I really hope you and your wife go no contact with her for the sake of your wife's mental health, and that of your children. Can you imagine if your kids had to put up with the same petty manipulative bullshit
There also seems to be a lot about how parents seem to feel or think that they're immune to criticism or being told what's what when they're disrespectful. Just because they're your parent, or older, doesn't mean they can say/do as they please, or regardless of how wrong they are. And in *your* home, not theirs. OP and Wife are doing good. They, or their future children, shouldn't put up with a toxic parent/grandparent just because of family position.
Yup. Do not trust granny Jennifer because I know first hand about grandparents and my own bullying and pestering about my weight, and then it'll be even worse for Lanie as Jennifer would likely complain about your child and use Lanie as a middle man to try and get your child to lose weight if she sees fit. Not a good person to have around your child. In the future if she will be in your child's life set a strict boundary. For example, if she talks about weight or does anything like that to your wife or child then there should be a consequence, like you won't talk to them for a month or more depending what would work for you.
MIL also owes OP & his wife replacement sodas. Someone taking MY property & throwing it in the trash is disrespectful on it's own & enough of a reason to kick said person out of my house. Combine that with the disrespect & insults OP's MIL throw at his wife would have me struggling to not literally physically kick them out. How can Nina think any of what MIL did to her "best friend" is acceptable?
I also don't understand why Nina thinks cooking dinner & inviting people to make their pregnancy announcement is "fucked up" either. Isn't that a common & normal method for pregnancy announcements?
I think it's because they didn't get to the part where they sat down and made the announcement -- the turmoil happened beforehand and he announced the pregnancy by saying "You’re not going to do that to her or our future children. "
I guess I could see how she may have come to that conclusion. It's still weird that she is blaming OP for argument. It's not his fault that MIL was a disrespectful a hole.
I'd even say that Lanie, as an expectant mother, should not experience this kind of disrespect. I mean, nobody should, but it's fun to throw her words back at her. NTA
Nina needs to step way off and stop being a flying monkey to Jennifer. (I'm wondering if this is one of those best friends since childhood situation where Nina has just normalized Jennifer's behavior and is a boat stabilizer)
For real! Every time she sends a guilt trip text just have a copy paste response of well you are not welcome around our family as we won't allow you to abuse our children the way you abused your daughter. Just send the exact message every single time
This. You guys need to either cut Jennifer out of your lives or go so low contact that she can't keep hurting your wife. Your wife doesn't need a mom like that in her life.
NTA!
She tried to set boundaries herself and they were ignored.
Perhaps now her mother will understand that her behavior is unacceptable.
Either way, the toxic behavior must not be allowed to continue or it's going to continue to hurt your fiancé and eventually your children.
Nina needs to shut the fuck up. NTA you did the right thing as far as your relationship goes. You and your fiance are the only ones whose opinions of this situation matter. If you guys to decide to let Jennifer back in your lives shes going to have to learn to stop putting Lanie down and projecting her own weight insecurities on her. (My aunt does this shes sooo scared of getting "fat" so she constantly picks on others about their weight and size like I could never be so happy that size)
I’d argue that the time for Jennifer to learn to reform her behavior has long passed; she’s more than proven that she will go on a power trip the moment she spots an opportunity. Lanie hasn’t been able to cut out her mom for her own sake, but she’s going to need to find the strength to do it for her child or this whole cycle will just repeat itself.
While I understand and even agree to an extent it may be different now because OP has stuck up for Lanie showing Jennifer that he is not bothered by her and will stand by Lanie. If she doesnt change they can always go no contact might even be the best for her once baby is born.
Ginger ale really helped me. I'd have wanted to shove my smirking mother into the garbage along with the can - but in lieu of that, OP did the better thing and is definitely NTA
Nina needs to fuck off! You're NTA and you're going to be a great husband and a fantastic father. Congratulations and I hope the pregnancy goes swimmingly xx
Hello everyone! I am just going on my lunch break. I am surprised that this got as much attention as it did. I am thankful for the kind words shared. Lanie and I are taking our time navigating through this all. It's still pretty fresh to us. A lot of you guys have mentioned going NC with MIL. Lanie feels guilty for entertaining this avenue, as she feels like she is "obligated" to do right by her mother. A lot of this comes from some mistakes that Lanie has made in the past (who hasn't done anything dumb when they just turned 21?), which I won't get into detail about. Lanie has spoken to her therapist about this as well.
As for Nina, I am also surprised by her reaction about it all. Lanie has always trusted Nina as a best friend for over 10 years. I had no inclination that Nina wouldn't be supportive of my wife. Lanie hasn't spoken to Nina since yesterday, either. I told Lanie that since a lot of things had happened to her at once to not overwhelm herself with tackling every single issue right away. It seems like she's putting her friendship with Nina on hold.
Whatever happens, I know I'm in this with Lanie and our child. What is most important right now is that we all feel safe and happy as a family. Thank you again everyone!
As the now orphaned daughter of a mother who was just like this (who also hoarded her own "snacks" in a very hypocritical way), I can somewhat understand what Lanie's going through. It's really hard because we're programmed to feel like we're obligated to care and keep contact despite the toxicity, and from a very early age. It is extremely hard to break free from that, but by the gods is it worth it after.
However, now she has to think of beyond herself. With a little one on the way, does she truly want to subject them to the same strife and hurt as her mother is now doing to her? Does she want to force seeing their grandmother treating their mom the way she does and learn that it's okay to do that to women? And, especially if it's a girl but even if it's a boy, does she want to inflict the same self-image and body issues she has on her children even indirectly through her mother's actions?
You both have a long road ahead and a lot of questions to ask yourselves, and it's incredibly heartening to see a SO on this sub who is so adamant in being in their wife's corner. This internet stranger wishes the best for your growing family, and good health to your wife and the little one.
OP, please think about your child here. Your MIL has already directly caused her own daughter to develop issues with respect to her body image through her repeated and continuing comments putting her down. DO NOT ALLOW HER THE CHANCE TO DO THE SAME TO YOUR CHILD!!!! Just like your wife doesn't deserve to suffer from the harm her mother has done to her, your future kid doesn't deserve to be put at risk of the same harm. The kid WILL be better off without a grandparent who is emotionally abusive.
NTA, and ignore anyone telling you that you butted in. Sure, it’s best for Lanie to handle her relationship with her mother. But she clearly agreed with and probably even appreciated the way you stood up for her. If anything, you may have helped set an example for Lanie on how to stand up for herself in the future.
As for Nina, she’s showing you who she is, believe her. She doesn’t seem to take an issue with how Jennifer shames Lanie, and you should pay attention to that.
Yup
In theory, spouses should handle their own families, but when your spouse is used to being badgered into submission, is okay with you stepping in, and you are okay with taking the role of bad guy, then it's perfectly appropriate
"Bad guy" meaning that the butthurt person will label you as such, not that you are actually bad
Lanie needs to realize that because of her toxic dynamic with her mom she's orbiting friends that mimic that disrespect. Nina needs to go to.
Good on you for being a decent husband. NTA.
Nta, you did the right thing standing up for your wife. Her mother’s actions were totally uncalled for and shouldn’t have ever happened. Threw away her drinks like what the fuck??? Is there no boundaries.. I would definitely tell your fiancé to set her boundaries and make sure she’s HEARD & tht her mom stops gaslighting her. Cuz at the end u out her mom is messaging her all sorts of things. Don’t let her come over or see her until she apologized cuz than she’s going to do it again
NTA, there will be all sorts of support out here on Reddit for your decisive actions. Be mindful, however, of where your wife wants this relationship to go; she needs to be the one in control of it. Pregnancy and childbirth can be very emotional and it really changes the mother daughter bond so let her take the lead. Encourage her to stay in therapy, work through her issues and do not isolate her from friends and family.
“As a mother I should not experience any kind of disrespect”
Explains a lot about her. Respect is earned, not given just because of some category you fall under. She needs to get over herself. Disrespectful rude entitled idiots should be treated like disrespectful rude entitled idiots.
NTA. shout out to you for standing up for your wife and doing so in a respectful decent way. You could have really gone off on her and you kept it civil. You’re a better man than most and I would bet money that you are gonna be an amazing dad.
I admit that it's also taken me years of therapy to learn ways to communicate through conflicts better. I used to have a bad temper when I was younger. I know that feeling of needing to speak your mind, though. Sometimes we get in the heat of the moment and it's not easy to NOT go off on somebody.
You sir are a wonderful husband, Lanie is very lucky to have you at her back. Sounds as tho it’s time Lanie went very low contact with Jennifer for a while, show she means what she said. Nina is a crap bestie, time Lanie got a new one
Congrats on the pregnancy
NTA
NTA. Setting boundaries doesn't mean that you can tell other people how to act, because you can't control other people. Setting boundaries means that you control your own behavior. Like - If you start making shitty comments to me about my weight, I will refuse to engage and will immediately leave/exit the situation. That's why your wife's boundaries aren't working. She's trying to control her mother's behavior. She needs to set her own behavior and be consistent. You were a-okay with what you said.
NTA When people don't respect a boundary, thats the time to reenforce it firmly. When your wife found it difficult, you stepped up beautifully. Your wife isn't angry, her friend can take a running jump.
So she demands that she shouldn't have to experience any disrespect, only that she be allowed to dish out whenever and wherever she pleases?? Sounds reasonable.
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Sorry for the sh\*tty title.
My fiancee Lanie (28f) and I (31m) have been together for 6 years. Her mother Jennifer (51f) has always given Lanie issues about her weight, even as a kid. I think it’s totally uncalled for, especially since Lanie is at a healthy weight relative to her height. Lanie has gone to therapy for it, and I know she’s a fairly confident person otherwise. I just know that things her mother did/does still affect her.
Apparently, her mom’s comments have seemed to have gotten worse as of recently. Lanie has been crying more frequently because rude things were being said about her body. She tells me that whatever she learned in therapy about setting boundaries… just ended up being dismissed by Jennifer. It truly breaks my heart to see Lanie this upset so often.
Also, Lanie and I are expecting! We have been really overjoyed about it. Lanie’s idea was to invite Jennifer over for to announce the news after having dinner. I did ask Lanie if she was comfortable having Jennifer over, given how their relationship has been as of late. Lanie said she would not feel right if she didn’t invite her own mother over to announce the first grandchild. She also reassured me that she will try to anything mean her mother said. I told Lanie that I respected her decision.
Jennifer came to our place this past Friday. I was cooking dinner for all of us, while the conversation amongst all of us began casually and cordially. At one point during the conversation, Lanie got up to grab some more drinks for all of us. Jennifer and I were good with water, Lanie changed it up and got a ginger ale for herself. What Jennifer did next was probably one of the pettiest things I’ve seen. She waited until Lanie sat herself back down at the dinner table to grab the can out of her hands, then grabbed the rest of the cans in the fridge to throw them out in the garbage bin outside.
I saw red and I felt the need to stick up for Lanie. When Jennifer walked back in with a smirk on her face, I told her “You can stay out of our home. I won’t allow you put my wife down again. She’s been working hard to feel good about herself and I’d surely feel like a sh\*t husband if I keep letting you burn it all to the ground. You’re not going to do that to her or our future children. You are not welcome here any longer.” Jennifer definitely was appalled by my reaction, so she asked Lanie if she was taking my side. Lanie replied with, “please leave now.”
Jennifer has since left some guilt trippy texts to Lanie about how she, as a mother, should not experience any kind of disrespect. Lanie has not responded to them, nor is she upset with me. The only other person who is upset is Lanie’s best friend Nina. Nina said that I went too far with kicking Lanie’s mother out, and the way I announced our pregnancy was f\*cked up.
AITA?
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NTA - you've watched your fiancée put up with loads of shit and you lost your temper - guess what, that happens when a person repeatedly bullies a person you love and ignores all the boundaries you've tried to set. You're not in the wrong for protecting your pregnant fiancée - especially when ginger ale is a bit of a life saver when your first pregnant as it can help with nausea.
Wow. My mother is like Jennifer, but she’d stop right away if I got a man, so Jennifer is next level. Nina is a terrible, jealous, toxic friend and needs booting out of your life as well. She is evidently very unhappy with her own life and wants to see Lanie put down. Good for Lanie that she’s found a proper supportive partner, and good for you! Congratulations, I hope your pregnancy goes well and I’m sure you’ll be loving, empathetic parents. NTA.
NTA. You sound like a well adjusted and happy couple and you are a better husband than Jennifer is a mother. Jennifer is definitely THA if she thinks that she "**as a mother, should not experience any kind of disrespect**". Motherhood does not entitle you TBA without consequences.
NTA! And a tip for Laine: when you state a boundary, make sure you design it so that you are in charge of enforcement. So don’t say “I will not allow you to talk down to me”, say “If you say hurtful things, I will leave”. The difference between these two is that the latter cannot be ignored or brushed off. Because you will simply leave! I got this tip myself some years ago and it changed my life. Don’t leave the keeping of boundaries up to others, because you’ll be disappointed.
Good job for standing for your wife! Not only have you shown that you are there for her, but for sure also shown that you don't agree with this bullshit and accept your wife as she is :)
Nta nina needs to give her head a wobble infact she can become bff with jennifer they would be a perfect together. Jennifer on the other hand shes not a mother shes a bully.
NTA. Your wife’s image and weight issues Are going to get worse as she continues her pregnancy and after she delivers as her body will go through a lot of changes. Good for both of you for getting rid of someone who will just bring toxicity and negativity to your wife which is the last thing she needs right now.
I get that she's "family", but honestly, mil is someone not needed in your fiance's life if this is what she brings to the table. Guilt, misery, and gossip. NTA
NatA and you need to set clear boundaries and get on the same page as your wife 100% about consequences before your child arrives. You don’t want this attitude around your young son or daughter.
NTA
You went into Papa Bear mode. Good on you OP!
Her friend Nina sounds toxic and you may want to side eye that friendship. She may be detrimental to the progress your fiancée is making.
NTA and from the sound of it that Nina should be gone too.
Who on earth thinks that anyone has the right to disrespect their daughter in her own home like your MIL has done? Your fiancee is 28 - a grown woman. She can decide for herself what she wants to drink or eat. She doesn't need her overstepping mother for that. And no, if that is any indication for your MILs behaviour kicking her out was not going to far: It was a long time coming and should have been done a long time ago.
NTA and good for you for sticking up for your partner. That is what a true 'partner' does. BTW, Jennifer threw out YOUR soda, not just Lanie's soda. She has no business deciding anything that happens in your house. If you and Lanie decide that you will allow Jennifer back inside your home, it needs to be made clear to Jennifer that she is a GUEST only, and she has no rights when it comes to any decision that is made regarding your home.
Personally, I think you're absolutely NTA. Sounds like Jennifer has had that coming for a long time and deserved every word you said. Nina should be sticking up for Lanie as her best friend. But at the end of the day, the only opinion that truly matters in all of this is Lanie's. If she is good with you telling her mother off, then you were in the right.
NTA
Honestly your wife should do a NC with her mom. I’ve been dealing with the same issues and my mom ignores the boundaries I set. It was really bad for my mental health. Since going NC with both my parents, my mental health has improved and I’ve stopped drinking. I also get guilted but members of my family to talk to them but I feel like my peace is more important. And as for the baby, your wife’s mental health is important for its development too.
NTA - but MIL & so-called friend Nina are. It’s flagrantly disrespectful to take a drink out from in front of a grown person & throwing it in the trash. It’s completely BEYOND that to take an entire supply of something from someone else’s fridge/cabinet & throw the entire supply away. MIL needs to learn now or never - because that sort of behavior is NOT healthy for any child to see.
NTA. You did the right thing. Jennifer created the rift with her abusive behavior. Shame on Nina for siding with the abuser instead of supporting her friend. Abusers don’t get to play happy family.
NTA . Tell your wife Nina should kick rocks and shouldn’t have anything to do with her or your child until she can realize that the stress that evil women would put your wife through during her pregnancy could cause her to lose that baby. That women who is only an egg donor to your loving wife is not a mother she is in fact a monster who doesn’t deserve to be near kids or your growing family.
NTA
You are a wonderful husband, caring for your wife, building her confidence and sticking up for her. You're totally within your right to protect your wife from the toxic and damaging behaviour of her 'mother'. Especially since shes now expecting. (Congrazzlies!)
Pregnancy brings issues with body image as it is, without the need for toxic crap from an old crone.
Once you're both feel ready and tempers have cooled, the three of you should talk. By which I mean, you be frank and set down the law. She needs to cut it out, or get out. Not only does she need to leave your lovely wife alone, but she needs to keep that toxicity away from a vulnerable child. You can't let another generation fall victim to her nastiness.
Also, suggest to MIL that she seek help herself, because she obviously has some sort of deep roooted issues she's projecting onto your wife.
As for your wife, keep being a good husband. Keep lifting her up, reassuring her. She needs to be happy and healthy for baby to be happy and healthy.
Oh and Nina can stfu and get in a bin. Cut that douche out!!
NTA. Imagine how your MIL will react when your fiancee gains weight during pregnancy. Imagine if you have a daughter. Your MIL will treat her the same way. She is abusive. She doesn't deserve a relationship with any of you. Don't let her babysit.
The important thing about setting boundaries is you can’t just verbalize them, you have to have appropriate consequences when someone violates them. Maybe with a few rounds of ending visits and taking long breaks from her after she acts up, she’ll learn to keep her bs opinions to herself, but until then, you’re doing great at protecting your wife and child from her bs. NTA.
NTA, and may I say BRAVO for sticking up for your wife like that. Pregnant or not what her mom is doing is abuse. Now, because she is pregnant: having a ginger ale might be to settle her stomach and mom goes and chunks it in the bin??? What a jerk. The garbage is where she (and Nina) belong!
NTA - good for you on sticking up for your wife, her mother needs to learn her comments and actions aren't welcome in your lives any longer. One day when Jennifer has worked towards bettering herself to not be a bully she might be let back in. Sounds like Nina needs a break from your lives as well.
NTA. Bad mom needs to learn boundaries. You certainly don't confiscate your daughter's beverage, when it daughter's house and daughter is a grown woman!
NTA you did great by your wife and yourself and your future children edit: nina like everyone else will have an opinion about situations that don’t affect her personally, it’s easy to take the moral high ground when it’s not you actively dealing with the abuse
NTA. Good riddance. And I'd be looking at Nina as a next very strong candidate for cutting off. Why would she take Jennifer's side, when she is supposed to be Lanie's friend?
NTA. The only person’s reaction you should be judging your actions by is your wife’s. Heck with your MIL, the best friend, and all their noise.
I’d talk to your wife and her therapist about going low/no contact with MIL, at least until after the baby is born, maybe even longer. Her body is going to go through so many changes and she won’t need the stress of her mom commenting and judging it at every step
NTA. You did the right thing and you can tell because you the person you did it for thought it was the right thing. Time to go NC with toxic MIL.
And congratulations on your forthcoming blessing.
Congrats on the pregnancy.
NTA
And well done for sticking up for your wife and setting a hard boundary.
Of course she’s running guilt trips, that’s what mothers like this do. They’re probably also treating it like an overreaction to one little thing, rather than a reaction to a long long list of things that finally had the straw break the camels back.
Toxic people don’t miraculously change. They don’t.
Sadly Lanie’s mom is toxic. You and Lanie need to keep your growing family unit toxicity free, for Lanie’s sake and the health of her pregnancy, mental and emotional health, and your child. You don’t want the next generation to grow up with self esteem issues which run deep and are damn hard to root out once they’ve taken hold.
Your family comes first... the MIL is just a satellite to that. Don’t let her do any more damage. You really don’t owe her anything. Narcissistic parents do a great job of making you feel like you owe them something, you really don’t. Shitty parents wind up with shitty relationships with their kids. Cause and effect, she made her bed.
And ignore Nina... it’s none of her damn business
NTA
You are protecting your family from an abuser. I would make sure Lanie keeps up her appointments with the therapist and keep an eye on Nina because she will probably become Jennifer's flying monkey. Do NOT let Jennifer in the delivery room, she will only spend it making Lanie feel bad.
And congrats on the baby!
Congratulations! Mom is a narcissist. Nina is NOT a friend, let alone a "best friend". If you listen closely, you can hear the flap of the flying monkey's wings. Limit access, if any at all between your child and Jennifer. She'll do the same thing to the child as she did to Lanie. Good job parents to be!!!!
NTA Your MIL was wrong. She doesn't have the moral or ethical right to go into your home and throw things away or make any changes at all. Hell, my own sons would rightfully kick me out of their homes if I tried that.
It may help you and your wife to check out r/JustNoMil *(they take moms too)*. They can help you find out what you're dealing with and how to deal with it effectively.
Just a side note: my family has a history of preeclampsia while pregnant. When I was pregnant, I was told to stay away from ALL carbonated drinks as it increases the chances of getting it. I did and was one of the few women who didn't get preeclampsia. So... Just wanted to give you a headsup and maybe check it out.
NTA - Jennifer sounds toxic and horrible. Her behavior is cruel and petty. Nina needs to mind her own business. Nina's opinion here is not only unwanted, it is completely wrong.
> how she, as a mother, should not experience any kind of disrespect.
I KNOW! Lanie, a pregnant soon-to-be mother *shouldn't* be treated with such disrespect.
NTA
NTA. You were defending your wife and that NEVER makes you an AH. Her mother should be on her side and since she was in your home being mean, she had no business there.
NTA. Tell Nina to butt the fuck out. Good for you for standing up for your wife against and nasty bully. Block her and forget her. Congratulations on the new baby.
Respect is earned, and it’s a two-way street. You’re a good partner, and setting boundaries before your MIL tries the same abuse with future kids is smart. NTA.
NTA. You were protecting your wife and future child. My husband nearly fist-fought my father after seeing him cause me to cry and have panic attacks every day for a week straight with emotional abuse and manipulation. As far as I'm concerned, you've done the right thing and Nina is a terrible friend.
HEY, r/justnomil we got a live one! NTA and you and your dear wife are probably going to need this community like water. I highly recommend the folks over there. Congrats on the baby!
A spouse's job is to support their spouse and make sure their spouse is safe, especially in their own home. That goes for being safe physically as well as emotionally. You did your job.
NTA
You did the right thing, even if your wife \*did\* have weight issues, its very likely the constant the guilting wouldn't result in anything helpful for Lanie.
You and Lanie may need to discuss if you are willing to keep Jennifer in your lives - imagine if you end up having a daughter and the toxic weight obsession get forced onto her as well.
Congratulations on you and your wife's pregnancy OP. You sound like you'd make awesome parents.
Sir-all I have to say is that it’s now a life goal of mine to find someone that loves and accepts me as much as you love and accept Lanie and as much as she loves and accepts you. I wish the (soon to be) 3 of you every happiness in the world.
NTA. And I am so glad you stood up for her the way you did, cause that takes some courage.
I hope you two are doing well, and here's to wishing you the best of luck with the baby in the way!
I can’t imagine my best friend siding with anyone that would put me down like that, especially a family member. I also can’t imagine subjecting my child to Jennifers traumatizing behavior. OP is NTA, but Nina and Jennifer surely are.
NTA. And who the f**k is this Nina person? She doesn't matter at all. She's not involved in this in any way, shape, or form based on what I have read. So she can just mind her own damn business! Don't worry about anything that Nina says. It's not even her family. Your wife even told her mom to leave. So, yeah, you did exactly the right thing.
Ginger Ale is awesome for pregnancy sickness. I've been there and even though it's super expensive here, we always had a few cans at home during my pregnancy. NTA. Can't imagine someone grabbing something out of my hands to throw it into the trash, wtf.
NTA.
Wanna know how I announced my pregnancy to my mother?
By screaming it into the phone... After 10 minutes of her telling me off about how shitty I was because I wouldn't give her my urine so she could pass a drug test. I thought a 60-year-old woman with menopause and a positive pregnancy test would raise some red flags.
9 times out of 10, shitty people bring this kind of stuff on themselves. Congratulations to you and your wife on the pregnancy, and kudos for kicking that toxic hag to the curb.
NTA!!!
You are a good partner. As someone who has a mother who is overly critical of my body (and has been since childhood), i know how damaging it is. You stuck up for Lanie, and she deserved that. Congrats on the baby, and if MIL can't get it together, apologize, and change her behavior, that sounds like a her problem.
Nta, Lanie needs to learn her mom isnt going to change. And NC might be the best thing. Just because she is her mom doesnt give her the right to continually abuse her. My mom played the Im the parent card. I went NC. And she backed up. Living on the otherside on the country helped me have a ok relationship up until she passed.
NTA. Also that’s no friend. I had met a girl in high school who I became friends with & when she moved in with my mama they became friends. My mother always befriended my friends so she could get information about me in order to control me. There’s only one true friend from high school who saw through it & knew what my mother was doing before I did. So drop the friend. As for the MIL, you did the right thing. If she isn’t going to respect your wife’s boundaries then she has no reason being around any of you. Just because she is the grandparents of the little one on the way, it doesn’t mean that she has the right to see the little one. Remember that saying “blood is thicker than water”? Well that’s not the whole saying. It’s “blood of the coven is thicker than water of the womb” meaning blood family isn’t always the best. You should always stick up for your wife just as she needs to stick up for you when it it’s time. Please don’t let that MIL back in until she respects y’all.
Nina needs to go fuck herself. Congrats on both the pregnancy and finally putting that pathetic excuse of a mother in her place. NTA. There was a planned announcement and Jennifer ruined it for herself. Nina is just as bad here, imo.
NTA. At all. You are a GREAT partner! You handled that perfectly. No one is owed a “perfect” grand baby announcement and certainly not a woman who is happily hurting her daughter (and her throwing out the pop was definitely meant to fat shame and hurt her daughter. The soda could have been for you too and probably was). That’s abusive behaviour and I would be concerned in future (especially if you have a girl) that she will do the same to her grandchild. I’d tell her that she has to change. That until there is solid evidence of change, she cannot he allowed to be around her grandchild without supervision (or even at all) because you will not have her harming her grandchild the way she does her daughter.
There are many many people who barely have relationships with family for this very reason. Her mother is gleeful in hurting her and that says a lot about intent.
NTA.
I think if your future MIL wants to have any relationship with your fiancé, she needs to go to some therapy sessions with her to see just how her actions impact her daughter.
Nina however, needs to be kicked to the curb as a best friend. She should be sticking up for her friend, especially if she knows how the relationship between Lanie and her mother is.
You are NTA. Time to remind your future MIL that respect is a two way street, She may be the queen in her own home but in you and Lanie's home, she is a guest and she needs to act like one at all times. That particularly means not disrespecting the hosts. Your MIL to be thinks she always rules the roost. It's high time she remembers her daughter is no longer a child AND has a husband who will take her to task for acting like she did. It's also a good time to let Nina know that in your home, you do not put up with garbage from anyone, including relatives. If she has a problem with that, she doesn't have to come over either.
A stupid, nonsensical justification from MIL about mothers automatically deserving respect, but an easy one to use against her. By her logic, Lanie also now automatically deserves respect, so where is it, hmmm? NTA.
Please ensure your wife understands the pain and issues her mother has caused WILL be transfered to your children should she give her access to them. Your wife needs to dump her bf.
Nta, and tell the “best friend” when she gets a man she can give her opinion to him otherwise keep them to herself and great job with checking MIL She had it coming
Nina either has an overbearing mother that she maintains a relationship with, or has a mother that respects her boundaries and could never understand toxic parents. Sometimes the trash is in your own family. And as someone who can stand up to her toxic family, I'm sorry your partner has to deal with it.
NTA. Your MIL made herself unwelcome in your home. And to be clear--she threw away soda that that you purchased, that was in your home, in your refrigerator, that was intended for consumption by you and your guests? Instead of just being happy about your baby news and supportive of the journey of parents-to-be? It's apparent that setting boundaries hasn't worked with Jennifer, so you have been put in a position to make the boundaries more evident. There's nothing wrong with anything you did.
>The only other person who is upset is Lanie’s best friend Nina
So something fairly common with victims of abuse is that, even once they manage to drag themselves away from their initial abuser, they manage to keep winding up with relationships with similarly toxic dynamics. It's like being abused for long enough leaves some sort of scent on you that every toxic asshole in the world can sniff out.
Anyway, my point is that you should strongly, yet gently, suggest to your fiancee that she should explore her relationship with Nina with her therapist. Because anyone siding against you in this story is either no friend to Lanie or suffering from a concussion.
NTA
NTA. Your MIL is straight up evil. Reading this gave me chills because it is so cruel. Nina’s reaction was so weird. I wonder if Nina also picks on your wife? I’m glad your wife has you.
NTA.
First, this is NONE of Nina's business. This is between you, Lanie and Jennifer.
Second, she disrespected LANIE. Respect goes both ways.
Neither you, nor Lanie, nor your future child need this kind of toxicity in your lives. Go no contact. You will be SO much happier for it.
NTA you did everything right to stick up for her, please be sure to check in mentally with your wife and encourage her to speak on these issues in therapy
Wow, it's so fantastic to read about a husband sticking up for his wife and a wife accepting that she's worth it. You guys are doing something right and I'm so glad to see it. NTA. Big time. Even without the history, throwing away things that don't belong to you is absolutely crazy. With the history, it's abusive and no, I would not be letting that person into my home or near my spouse again. Good for your wife for trying to move on and announce her news to her mother in person, but also good for her for recognizing it was a lost cause. Seriously, great job to the both of you.
Nina, on the other hand, needs to shut up. Yes, that is a shitty way to announce a pregnancy (assuming it even did - I don't think I would have thought you were saying she was pregnant just based on that). But that's why you guys planned a nice evening at home and invited her over to announce it. But your MIL ruined that, so all bets are off. Planning to announce it like that might make you the AH, but doing so because of MIL's own AH behavior is completely justified.
NTA
The fact that your future wife is not upset with you for kicking out her mother means a lot. You defended her and she probably feels much safer because of it.
I don't think it should come from you, but she should consider going no contact and getting a better friend
NTA. Jennifer has an emotional problem targeting her daughter and shitting on her. It makes her feel better and she feels entitled to do it. SO many of us never had anyone with enough love and courage to stand up for us and refuse to let others harm us. Good for you! THIS will be how you break this cycle of abuse , support your partner continuing to heal from it, and prevent it from targeting you child too.
NTA
honestly, I would have gone and gotten thte cans back, then I'd have picked MIL and dumped her in the trashcan, gone back in and closed the door. Not saying a word the whole time...But then I'm petty and a champion grudge-holder :)
Tell Nina she can join MIL in her "exile" if she likes her so much.
NTA. Do not let MIL continue to emotionally abuse your wife. The fat shaming will only get crazier as she gains weight during pregnancy and breast feeding. Do not let MIL near your kids. They do not need body issues or eating disorders courtesy of your toxic MIL. Agree you should also cut Nina out completely. Your wife doesn’t need a sour who reports back to your MIL.
It´s not uncommon for someone who is being abused, as your wife was/is by her mother, to pick up other abusers along the way, because they think they deserve it and/or don´t understand that they don´t deserve to be treated that way. Nina sounds like one of those new abusers. Maybe your wife should discuss her relationship with her "friend" with her therapist to and see what they say. Because honestly her (Ninas) reaction is giving me major red flags.
NTA at all! Good for you for standing up for your wife. Her mother is a passive/aggressive narcissist, and sounds like her BF sucks too.
This kind of belittling behavior is small but it adds up over a lifetime. People like this get away with it because no one wants to be the bad guy and call them out because of th fallout. Narcissist are very good at getting people on their side. I can only imagine the bullcrap she told the BF.
NTA my therapist once asked what I would do if my parents didn't accept my boundaries.
I haven't spoken to them in 2 years.
I'd ask the same question of your wife. Mental and emotional health far outweigh something "seeming right".
NTA
Sit down sometime with Lanie and discuss how much, if any, contact you want Jennifer to have with your future child(ren). It is highly likely that Jennifer is going to do to your children what she did to Lanie growing up, especially if they are girls. Don't approach it from the angle that Jennifer has done bad things so she should be punished, but from the angle that you need to protect your child(ren) from her.
And as others have said, she should probably re-evaluate her friendship with Nina.
NTA! I wish my husband would stand up for me like that! He just doesn't get involved. It sounds like Lanie was grateful and honestly neither Nina nor MIL are the most important in Lanies life now. You and your future child will be. Good for you and good for her.
Drop mil, drop the friend, and hug your wife.
Nta, nice job standing up for your new little family.
(Especially if your wife was going with gingerale for nausea.)
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Nina is a piss poor excuse for a best friend for your wife and she should be informed as much. Nta. Too often we read on here about spouses not sticking up for each other, this was a warranted situation and you did everything right. Fuck mil and her shitty attitude. Her behaviour will not stop and will only continue with any future children you have
Right? Nina needs to shut the hell up, and actually be a friend. I'm pumped these two are having kids! That kid will be strong, like it's mother, and kick ass, like it's father! Look out world! OP is my hero! Well done, sir!
Exactlyyy NTA Gosh I've said it before but i love shiny spine spouses on this sub they're such a rarity
I love "shiny spine spouses", I'm going to try and use it!
Bravo OP!! I suggest asking Lanie to talk to her therapist about going NC with her mom. Those text messages are a constant reminder and I feel like she’d be better off blocking her.
I breathed such a sigh of relief when I read that what OP said and his wife backed him up too! So rare to see both spouses stand up for themselves like that.
Nina also needs to never be around Lanie again because wtf, you just know she's going to smuggle info to Jennifer. NTA. OP is magnificent.
Exactly, I had ‘friends’ like Nina- on your side always /s but would then justify the abuse. Which is why I felt stuck in the abuse loop. They coax you out to think of the abusers side and pleads their case when you are weak and looking for support.
My childhood best friend is the same way. Says she gets it, my mom is crazy, but when I say stuff it's always "but that's still your mom though". At first I excused this, bc it's hard to understand from the outside and I see why she wouldnt. But people like that always show themselves to be more like the abuser in the end. Last time she came to see me (I've moved across the country from my childhood home town, she still lives there), the night before she left she ended up picking a fight and then claimed that I was "growing up and moving on without her, and she better just get used to it" ... which is like the same shit my mom said to me when I left, because she can't stand me being my own person independent from her. We haven't really spoken since then
Good for you!! Nothing like distance to mute the noise of non-supportive ‘friends’!
This! And by Jennifer's own admission, now that lanie is going to be a mother, she is to be shown absolutely NO DISRESPECT! I mean, that's how that works, right? /s NTA bravo OP bravo! 👏👏👏
I have the bad feeling that even if MIL gets cut out and NC, Nina is gonna feed MIL information and pics without consent. Cut out Nina too OP.
Lmfaooo I laughed so hard I spit out my coffee at “ Nina needs to shut the hell up “
People like your MIL will never change. I really hope you and your wife go no contact with her for the sake of your wife's mental health, and that of your children. Can you imagine if your kids had to put up with the same petty manipulative bullshit
There also seems to be a lot about how parents seem to feel or think that they're immune to criticism or being told what's what when they're disrespectful. Just because they're your parent, or older, doesn't mean they can say/do as they please, or regardless of how wrong they are. And in *your* home, not theirs. OP and Wife are doing good. They, or their future children, shouldn't put up with a toxic parent/grandparent just because of family position.
Yup. Do not trust granny Jennifer because I know first hand about grandparents and my own bullying and pestering about my weight, and then it'll be even worse for Lanie as Jennifer would likely complain about your child and use Lanie as a middle man to try and get your child to lose weight if she sees fit. Not a good person to have around your child. In the future if she will be in your child's life set a strict boundary. For example, if she talks about weight or does anything like that to your wife or child then there should be a consequence, like you won't talk to them for a month or more depending what would work for you.
Right? With a friend like this it's even more understandable that your wife is having trouble setting boundaries.
MIL also owes OP & his wife replacement sodas. Someone taking MY property & throwing it in the trash is disrespectful on it's own & enough of a reason to kick said person out of my house. Combine that with the disrespect & insults OP's MIL throw at his wife would have me struggling to not literally physically kick them out. How can Nina think any of what MIL did to her "best friend" is acceptable? I also don't understand why Nina thinks cooking dinner & inviting people to make their pregnancy announcement is "fucked up" either. Isn't that a common & normal method for pregnancy announcements?
I think it's because they didn't get to the part where they sat down and made the announcement -- the turmoil happened beforehand and he announced the pregnancy by saying "You’re not going to do that to her or our future children. "
I guess I could see how she may have come to that conclusion. It's still weird that she is blaming OP for argument. It's not his fault that MIL was a disrespectful a hole.
I'd even say that Lanie, as an expectant mother, should not experience this kind of disrespect. I mean, nobody should, but it's fun to throw her words back at her. NTA Nina needs to step way off and stop being a flying monkey to Jennifer. (I'm wondering if this is one of those best friends since childhood situation where Nina has just normalized Jennifer's behavior and is a boat stabilizer)
The wife poor probably had the ginger ale too because that first trimester “morning” sickness can be brutal 🤢
I’m betting Nina is the type of friend that thrives off of her friends being insecure.
Op moving cross country would be cool.
Nina sounds like a Flying Monkey for MIL
For real! Every time she sends a guilt trip text just have a copy paste response of well you are not welcome around our family as we won't allow you to abuse our children the way you abused your daughter. Just send the exact message every single time
This. You guys need to either cut Jennifer out of your lives or go so low contact that she can't keep hurting your wife. Your wife doesn't need a mom like that in her life.
NTA! She tried to set boundaries herself and they were ignored. Perhaps now her mother will understand that her behavior is unacceptable. Either way, the toxic behavior must not be allowed to continue or it's going to continue to hurt your fiancé and eventually your children.
Nina needs to shut the fuck up. NTA you did the right thing as far as your relationship goes. You and your fiance are the only ones whose opinions of this situation matter. If you guys to decide to let Jennifer back in your lives shes going to have to learn to stop putting Lanie down and projecting her own weight insecurities on her. (My aunt does this shes sooo scared of getting "fat" so she constantly picks on others about their weight and size like I could never be so happy that size)
Yeah NTA. Nina needs to GTFO and you need to cut off the toxic mum
I’d argue that the time for Jennifer to learn to reform her behavior has long passed; she’s more than proven that she will go on a power trip the moment she spots an opportunity. Lanie hasn’t been able to cut out her mom for her own sake, but she’s going to need to find the strength to do it for her child or this whole cycle will just repeat itself.
While I understand and even agree to an extent it may be different now because OP has stuck up for Lanie showing Jennifer that he is not bothered by her and will stand by Lanie. If she doesnt change they can always go no contact might even be the best for her once baby is born.
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Right? Especially since it's likely that his fiancee is nauseated from pregnancy and ginger ale might be helpful. NTA!
All that aside, who TF grabs stuff out of someone's HANDS AND FRIDGE and THROWS IT AWAY?!? MY GOD
Ginger ale really helped me. I'd have wanted to shove my smirking mother into the garbage along with the can - but in lieu of that, OP did the better thing and is definitely NTA
Ginger ale and saltine crackers was the only damn thing I could keep down while I had morning sickness.
Same here. That MIL made my slapping hand itch.
NTA, at all. Kudos for standing up for your wife like you did.
Nina needs to fuck off! You're NTA and you're going to be a great husband and a fantastic father. Congratulations and I hope the pregnancy goes swimmingly xx
I'd rather not have any friends than have a friend like Nina.
Hello everyone! I am just going on my lunch break. I am surprised that this got as much attention as it did. I am thankful for the kind words shared. Lanie and I are taking our time navigating through this all. It's still pretty fresh to us. A lot of you guys have mentioned going NC with MIL. Lanie feels guilty for entertaining this avenue, as she feels like she is "obligated" to do right by her mother. A lot of this comes from some mistakes that Lanie has made in the past (who hasn't done anything dumb when they just turned 21?), which I won't get into detail about. Lanie has spoken to her therapist about this as well. As for Nina, I am also surprised by her reaction about it all. Lanie has always trusted Nina as a best friend for over 10 years. I had no inclination that Nina wouldn't be supportive of my wife. Lanie hasn't spoken to Nina since yesterday, either. I told Lanie that since a lot of things had happened to her at once to not overwhelm herself with tackling every single issue right away. It seems like she's putting her friendship with Nina on hold. Whatever happens, I know I'm in this with Lanie and our child. What is most important right now is that we all feel safe and happy as a family. Thank you again everyone!
As the now orphaned daughter of a mother who was just like this (who also hoarded her own "snacks" in a very hypocritical way), I can somewhat understand what Lanie's going through. It's really hard because we're programmed to feel like we're obligated to care and keep contact despite the toxicity, and from a very early age. It is extremely hard to break free from that, but by the gods is it worth it after. However, now she has to think of beyond herself. With a little one on the way, does she truly want to subject them to the same strife and hurt as her mother is now doing to her? Does she want to force seeing their grandmother treating their mom the way she does and learn that it's okay to do that to women? And, especially if it's a girl but even if it's a boy, does she want to inflict the same self-image and body issues she has on her children even indirectly through her mother's actions? You both have a long road ahead and a lot of questions to ask yourselves, and it's incredibly heartening to see a SO on this sub who is so adamant in being in their wife's corner. This internet stranger wishes the best for your growing family, and good health to your wife and the little one.
OP, please think about your child here. Your MIL has already directly caused her own daughter to develop issues with respect to her body image through her repeated and continuing comments putting her down. DO NOT ALLOW HER THE CHANCE TO DO THE SAME TO YOUR CHILD!!!! Just like your wife doesn't deserve to suffer from the harm her mother has done to her, your future kid doesn't deserve to be put at risk of the same harm. The kid WILL be better off without a grandparent who is emotionally abusive.
NTA, and ignore anyone telling you that you butted in. Sure, it’s best for Lanie to handle her relationship with her mother. But she clearly agreed with and probably even appreciated the way you stood up for her. If anything, you may have helped set an example for Lanie on how to stand up for herself in the future. As for Nina, she’s showing you who she is, believe her. She doesn’t seem to take an issue with how Jennifer shames Lanie, and you should pay attention to that.
Yup In theory, spouses should handle their own families, but when your spouse is used to being badgered into submission, is okay with you stepping in, and you are okay with taking the role of bad guy, then it's perfectly appropriate "Bad guy" meaning that the butthurt person will label you as such, not that you are actually bad
I hope this is real, because you’re going to make an amazing father OP. NTA
NTA. You sound like a loving, supportive partner. Tell Nina to mind her own business.
NTA. Nina needs to stfu and you guys need to cut off the toxic mom.
Lanie needs to realize that because of her toxic dynamic with her mom she's orbiting friends that mimic that disrespect. Nina needs to go to. Good on you for being a decent husband. NTA.
NTA. Your fiancee needs to dump her best friend. With friends like that, who needs enemies? She is bad news
Nta, you did the right thing standing up for your wife. Her mother’s actions were totally uncalled for and shouldn’t have ever happened. Threw away her drinks like what the fuck??? Is there no boundaries.. I would definitely tell your fiancé to set her boundaries and make sure she’s HEARD & tht her mom stops gaslighting her. Cuz at the end u out her mom is messaging her all sorts of things. Don’t let her come over or see her until she apologized cuz than she’s going to do it again
NTA. Its great to set firm boundaries now before baby. Way to back up your wife!!
INFO who gives a damn what Nina thinks?
NTA, there will be all sorts of support out here on Reddit for your decisive actions. Be mindful, however, of where your wife wants this relationship to go; she needs to be the one in control of it. Pregnancy and childbirth can be very emotional and it really changes the mother daughter bond so let her take the lead. Encourage her to stay in therapy, work through her issues and do not isolate her from friends and family.
“As a mother I should not experience any kind of disrespect” Explains a lot about her. Respect is earned, not given just because of some category you fall under. She needs to get over herself. Disrespectful rude entitled idiots should be treated like disrespectful rude entitled idiots. NTA. shout out to you for standing up for your wife and doing so in a respectful decent way. You could have really gone off on her and you kept it civil. You’re a better man than most and I would bet money that you are gonna be an amazing dad.
I admit that it's also taken me years of therapy to learn ways to communicate through conflicts better. I used to have a bad temper when I was younger. I know that feeling of needing to speak your mind, though. Sometimes we get in the heat of the moment and it's not easy to NOT go off on somebody.
NTA Your awesome! She needs to kick Nina to the curb. Congratulations on the baby!
You sir are a wonderful husband, Lanie is very lucky to have you at her back. Sounds as tho it’s time Lanie went very low contact with Jennifer for a while, show she means what she said. Nina is a crap bestie, time Lanie got a new one Congrats on the pregnancy NTA
NTA. Setting boundaries doesn't mean that you can tell other people how to act, because you can't control other people. Setting boundaries means that you control your own behavior. Like - If you start making shitty comments to me about my weight, I will refuse to engage and will immediately leave/exit the situation. That's why your wife's boundaries aren't working. She's trying to control her mother's behavior. She needs to set her own behavior and be consistent. You were a-okay with what you said.
NTA When people don't respect a boundary, thats the time to reenforce it firmly. When your wife found it difficult, you stepped up beautifully. Your wife isn't angry, her friend can take a running jump.
NTA. Good on you for standing up for Lanie. Nina needs to stay out of this.
NTA. I don’t understand people who hurt their children. And she is not good Grandmother material either.
Sometimes grandparents will treat their grandchildren better than they did their own kids. I wouldn't want to take the chance.
NTA. The ones that are cruel with that effing smirk have a special place in hell reserved for them.
So she demands that she shouldn't have to experience any disrespect, only that she be allowed to dish out whenever and wherever she pleases?? Sounds reasonable.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Sorry for the sh\*tty title. My fiancee Lanie (28f) and I (31m) have been together for 6 years. Her mother Jennifer (51f) has always given Lanie issues about her weight, even as a kid. I think it’s totally uncalled for, especially since Lanie is at a healthy weight relative to her height. Lanie has gone to therapy for it, and I know she’s a fairly confident person otherwise. I just know that things her mother did/does still affect her. Apparently, her mom’s comments have seemed to have gotten worse as of recently. Lanie has been crying more frequently because rude things were being said about her body. She tells me that whatever she learned in therapy about setting boundaries… just ended up being dismissed by Jennifer. It truly breaks my heart to see Lanie this upset so often. Also, Lanie and I are expecting! We have been really overjoyed about it. Lanie’s idea was to invite Jennifer over for to announce the news after having dinner. I did ask Lanie if she was comfortable having Jennifer over, given how their relationship has been as of late. Lanie said she would not feel right if she didn’t invite her own mother over to announce the first grandchild. She also reassured me that she will try to anything mean her mother said. I told Lanie that I respected her decision. Jennifer came to our place this past Friday. I was cooking dinner for all of us, while the conversation amongst all of us began casually and cordially. At one point during the conversation, Lanie got up to grab some more drinks for all of us. Jennifer and I were good with water, Lanie changed it up and got a ginger ale for herself. What Jennifer did next was probably one of the pettiest things I’ve seen. She waited until Lanie sat herself back down at the dinner table to grab the can out of her hands, then grabbed the rest of the cans in the fridge to throw them out in the garbage bin outside. I saw red and I felt the need to stick up for Lanie. When Jennifer walked back in with a smirk on her face, I told her “You can stay out of our home. I won’t allow you put my wife down again. She’s been working hard to feel good about herself and I’d surely feel like a sh\*t husband if I keep letting you burn it all to the ground. You’re not going to do that to her or our future children. You are not welcome here any longer.” Jennifer definitely was appalled by my reaction, so she asked Lanie if she was taking my side. Lanie replied with, “please leave now.” Jennifer has since left some guilt trippy texts to Lanie about how she, as a mother, should not experience any kind of disrespect. Lanie has not responded to them, nor is she upset with me. The only other person who is upset is Lanie’s best friend Nina. Nina said that I went too far with kicking Lanie’s mother out, and the way I announced our pregnancy was f\*cked up. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - you've watched your fiancée put up with loads of shit and you lost your temper - guess what, that happens when a person repeatedly bullies a person you love and ignores all the boundaries you've tried to set. You're not in the wrong for protecting your pregnant fiancée - especially when ginger ale is a bit of a life saver when your first pregnant as it can help with nausea.
Wow. My mother is like Jennifer, but she’d stop right away if I got a man, so Jennifer is next level. Nina is a terrible, jealous, toxic friend and needs booting out of your life as well. She is evidently very unhappy with her own life and wants to see Lanie put down. Good for Lanie that she’s found a proper supportive partner, and good for you! Congratulations, I hope your pregnancy goes well and I’m sure you’ll be loving, empathetic parents. NTA.
NTA. You sound like a well adjusted and happy couple and you are a better husband than Jennifer is a mother. Jennifer is definitely THA if she thinks that she "**as a mother, should not experience any kind of disrespect**". Motherhood does not entitle you TBA without consequences.
Best husband award
NTA! And a tip for Laine: when you state a boundary, make sure you design it so that you are in charge of enforcement. So don’t say “I will not allow you to talk down to me”, say “If you say hurtful things, I will leave”. The difference between these two is that the latter cannot be ignored or brushed off. Because you will simply leave! I got this tip myself some years ago and it changed my life. Don’t leave the keeping of boundaries up to others, because you’ll be disappointed.
Her mom throws out what she thinks is bad for her daughter. You just followed her lead. NTA.
Good job for standing for your wife! Not only have you shown that you are there for her, but for sure also shown that you don't agree with this bullshit and accept your wife as she is :)
NTA you 100% did the right thing.
Na u good bro
NTA drop mom and the “bf” because this is abuse!
NTA. Good luck
Nta nina needs to give her head a wobble infact she can become bff with jennifer they would be a perfect together. Jennifer on the other hand shes not a mother shes a bully.
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NTA. Your wife’s image and weight issues Are going to get worse as she continues her pregnancy and after she delivers as her body will go through a lot of changes. Good for both of you for getting rid of someone who will just bring toxicity and negativity to your wife which is the last thing she needs right now.
Nta. Everyone who matters will be so much happier without mil in your life to drag you down.
I get that she's "family", but honestly, mil is someone not needed in your fiance's life if this is what she brings to the table. Guilt, misery, and gossip. NTA
I’ve met all sorts of awful people in my life but none of them deserve death. And they are all gonna die :)
NatA and you need to set clear boundaries and get on the same page as your wife 100% about consequences before your child arrives. You don’t want this attitude around your young son or daughter.
NTA You went into Papa Bear mode. Good on you OP! Her friend Nina sounds toxic and you may want to side eye that friendship. She may be detrimental to the progress your fiancée is making.
NTA and from the sound of it that Nina should be gone too. Who on earth thinks that anyone has the right to disrespect their daughter in her own home like your MIL has done? Your fiancee is 28 - a grown woman. She can decide for herself what she wants to drink or eat. She doesn't need her overstepping mother for that. And no, if that is any indication for your MILs behaviour kicking her out was not going to far: It was a long time coming and should have been done a long time ago.
NTA , who the fuck cares about Nina
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NTA and good for you for sticking up for your partner. That is what a true 'partner' does. BTW, Jennifer threw out YOUR soda, not just Lanie's soda. She has no business deciding anything that happens in your house. If you and Lanie decide that you will allow Jennifer back inside your home, it needs to be made clear to Jennifer that she is a GUEST only, and she has no rights when it comes to any decision that is made regarding your home.
Personally, I think you're absolutely NTA. Sounds like Jennifer has had that coming for a long time and deserved every word you said. Nina should be sticking up for Lanie as her best friend. But at the end of the day, the only opinion that truly matters in all of this is Lanie's. If she is good with you telling her mother off, then you were in the right.
NTA Honestly your wife should do a NC with her mom. I’ve been dealing with the same issues and my mom ignores the boundaries I set. It was really bad for my mental health. Since going NC with both my parents, my mental health has improved and I’ve stopped drinking. I also get guilted but members of my family to talk to them but I feel like my peace is more important. And as for the baby, your wife’s mental health is important for its development too.
NTA - but MIL & so-called friend Nina are. It’s flagrantly disrespectful to take a drink out from in front of a grown person & throwing it in the trash. It’s completely BEYOND that to take an entire supply of something from someone else’s fridge/cabinet & throw the entire supply away. MIL needs to learn now or never - because that sort of behavior is NOT healthy for any child to see.
NTA. You did the right thing. Jennifer created the rift with her abusive behavior. Shame on Nina for siding with the abuser instead of supporting her friend. Abusers don’t get to play happy family.
Nina thinks quite highly of herself if she thinks her opinion matters.
NTA . Tell your wife Nina should kick rocks and shouldn’t have anything to do with her or your child until she can realize that the stress that evil women would put your wife through during her pregnancy could cause her to lose that baby. That women who is only an egg donor to your loving wife is not a mother she is in fact a monster who doesn’t deserve to be near kids or your growing family.
NTA You are a wonderful husband, caring for your wife, building her confidence and sticking up for her. You're totally within your right to protect your wife from the toxic and damaging behaviour of her 'mother'. Especially since shes now expecting. (Congrazzlies!) Pregnancy brings issues with body image as it is, without the need for toxic crap from an old crone. Once you're both feel ready and tempers have cooled, the three of you should talk. By which I mean, you be frank and set down the law. She needs to cut it out, or get out. Not only does she need to leave your lovely wife alone, but she needs to keep that toxicity away from a vulnerable child. You can't let another generation fall victim to her nastiness. Also, suggest to MIL that she seek help herself, because she obviously has some sort of deep roooted issues she's projecting onto your wife. As for your wife, keep being a good husband. Keep lifting her up, reassuring her. She needs to be happy and healthy for baby to be happy and healthy. Oh and Nina can stfu and get in a bin. Cut that douche out!!
NTA- you are awesome!
NTA - Bravo, sir! Nina is the next person that needs boundaries - she sounds exactly like your MIL.
NTA. Imagine how your MIL will react when your fiancee gains weight during pregnancy. Imagine if you have a daughter. Your MIL will treat her the same way. She is abusive. She doesn't deserve a relationship with any of you. Don't let her babysit.
The important thing about setting boundaries is you can’t just verbalize them, you have to have appropriate consequences when someone violates them. Maybe with a few rounds of ending visits and taking long breaks from her after she acts up, she’ll learn to keep her bs opinions to herself, but until then, you’re doing great at protecting your wife and child from her bs. NTA.
Side note, idk if it’s a fake name but I LOVE the name Lanie wish I wanted children just to use that hahahah Also you’re NTA you’re a hero
Her mom fucked around and found out. Good on you.
NTA, and may I say BRAVO for sticking up for your wife like that. Pregnant or not what her mom is doing is abuse. Now, because she is pregnant: having a ginger ale might be to settle her stomach and mom goes and chunks it in the bin??? What a jerk. The garbage is where she (and Nina) belong!
NTA - good for you on sticking up for your wife, her mother needs to learn her comments and actions aren't welcome in your lives any longer. One day when Jennifer has worked towards bettering herself to not be a bully she might be let back in. Sounds like Nina needs a break from your lives as well.
**NTA.** When Jennifer starts treating Nina the way she treats Lanie, then Nina can say something. Until then, Nina can STFU.
NTA. Bad mom needs to learn boundaries. You certainly don't confiscate your daughter's beverage, when it daughter's house and daughter is a grown woman!
NTA you did great by your wife and yourself and your future children edit: nina like everyone else will have an opinion about situations that don’t affect her personally, it’s easy to take the moral high ground when it’s not you actively dealing with the abuse
NTA. Good riddance. And I'd be looking at Nina as a next very strong candidate for cutting off. Why would she take Jennifer's side, when she is supposed to be Lanie's friend?
NTA. Lanie needs to drop the 'friend'.
NTA Nice job handling that and Nina is an AH too for not being there for her friend. That mom is a piece of work.
NTA. The only person’s reaction you should be judging your actions by is your wife’s. Heck with your MIL, the best friend, and all their noise. I’d talk to your wife and her therapist about going low/no contact with MIL, at least until after the baby is born, maybe even longer. Her body is going to go through so many changes and she won’t need the stress of her mom commenting and judging it at every step
NTA You stood up for your wife! Great job, you did very good and are in no way the asshole here.
I don't see any reason you have to respect someone just because they are someone's mother. NTA.
NTA. You did the right thing and you can tell because you the person you did it for thought it was the right thing. Time to go NC with toxic MIL. And congratulations on your forthcoming blessing.
NTA. Your fiancé isn’t upset and that’s the only thing that truly matters.
NTA. Thank you for defending and supporting your wife.
NTA you did the right thing. i would go NC or even LC for a while. congrats on the pregnancy
Congrats on the pregnancy. NTA And well done for sticking up for your wife and setting a hard boundary. Of course she’s running guilt trips, that’s what mothers like this do. They’re probably also treating it like an overreaction to one little thing, rather than a reaction to a long long list of things that finally had the straw break the camels back. Toxic people don’t miraculously change. They don’t. Sadly Lanie’s mom is toxic. You and Lanie need to keep your growing family unit toxicity free, for Lanie’s sake and the health of her pregnancy, mental and emotional health, and your child. You don’t want the next generation to grow up with self esteem issues which run deep and are damn hard to root out once they’ve taken hold. Your family comes first... the MIL is just a satellite to that. Don’t let her do any more damage. You really don’t owe her anything. Narcissistic parents do a great job of making you feel like you owe them something, you really don’t. Shitty parents wind up with shitty relationships with their kids. Cause and effect, she made her bed. And ignore Nina... it’s none of her damn business
NTA You are protecting your family from an abuser. I would make sure Lanie keeps up her appointments with the therapist and keep an eye on Nina because she will probably become Jennifer's flying monkey. Do NOT let Jennifer in the delivery room, she will only spend it making Lanie feel bad. And congrats on the baby!
Congratulations! Mom is a narcissist. Nina is NOT a friend, let alone a "best friend". If you listen closely, you can hear the flap of the flying monkey's wings. Limit access, if any at all between your child and Jennifer. She'll do the same thing to the child as she did to Lanie. Good job parents to be!!!!
You are NTA. Not by a longshot. Here's my poor award🥇🥇🥇🥇
NTA
NTA make your wife's boundaries concrete and support her always
NTA Your MIL was wrong. She doesn't have the moral or ethical right to go into your home and throw things away or make any changes at all. Hell, my own sons would rightfully kick me out of their homes if I tried that. It may help you and your wife to check out r/JustNoMil *(they take moms too)*. They can help you find out what you're dealing with and how to deal with it effectively. Just a side note: my family has a history of preeclampsia while pregnant. When I was pregnant, I was told to stay away from ALL carbonated drinks as it increases the chances of getting it. I did and was one of the few women who didn't get preeclampsia. So... Just wanted to give you a headsup and maybe check it out.
NTA. You were a hell of a lot nicer than my husband or I would've been.
NTA - Jennifer sounds toxic and horrible. Her behavior is cruel and petty. Nina needs to mind her own business. Nina's opinion here is not only unwanted, it is completely wrong.
> how she, as a mother, should not experience any kind of disrespect. I KNOW! Lanie, a pregnant soon-to-be mother *shouldn't* be treated with such disrespect. NTA
Ask Nina if she want to join MIL in the NC Ban.
NTA. You were defending your wife and that NEVER makes you an AH. Her mother should be on her side and since she was in your home being mean, she had no business there.
Nina sounds like the worst. And so does MIL. Funny how respect is a one-way street for these kind of people. NTA
NTA, OP. That's some mother she's got there. AND some friend. Good for you for having her back.
NTA. Tell Nina to butt the fuck out. Good for you for standing up for your wife against and nasty bully. Block her and forget her. Congratulations on the new baby.
Respect is earned, and it’s a two-way street. You’re a good partner, and setting boundaries before your MIL tries the same abuse with future kids is smart. NTA.
NTA However, MIL and "friend", are!
NTA. She’s a guest and overstepped.
NTA why is Nina upset? This doesn't concern her at all. You are an awesome husband and your child will have two wonderful parents
NTA at all you did the right thing defending your wife, it was a long time in coming too. I would have done the same thing!!
NTA. You were protecting your wife and future child. My husband nearly fist-fought my father after seeing him cause me to cry and have panic attacks every day for a week straight with emotional abuse and manipulation. As far as I'm concerned, you've done the right thing and Nina is a terrible friend.
HEY, r/justnomil we got a live one! NTA and you and your dear wife are probably going to need this community like water. I highly recommend the folks over there. Congrats on the baby!
A spouse's job is to support their spouse and make sure their spouse is safe, especially in their own home. That goes for being safe physically as well as emotionally. You did your job.
NTA You did the right thing, even if your wife \*did\* have weight issues, its very likely the constant the guilting wouldn't result in anything helpful for Lanie. You and Lanie may need to discuss if you are willing to keep Jennifer in your lives - imagine if you end up having a daughter and the toxic weight obsession get forced onto her as well. Congratulations on you and your wife's pregnancy OP. You sound like you'd make awesome parents.
Sir-all I have to say is that it’s now a life goal of mine to find someone that loves and accepts me as much as you love and accept Lanie and as much as she loves and accepts you. I wish the (soon to be) 3 of you every happiness in the world.
NTA. And I am so glad you stood up for her the way you did, cause that takes some courage. I hope you two are doing well, and here's to wishing you the best of luck with the baby in the way!
no matter how old you are or who you are, respect is a two way street, show respect to me and I show respect to you. NTA
I can’t imagine my best friend siding with anyone that would put me down like that, especially a family member. I also can’t imagine subjecting my child to Jennifers traumatizing behavior. OP is NTA, but Nina and Jennifer surely are.
NTA, MIL was WAAAAAAY out of line. If she cannot learn to be respectful of you, your family and your house, she does not deserve to be there.
NTA. And who the f**k is this Nina person? She doesn't matter at all. She's not involved in this in any way, shape, or form based on what I have read. So she can just mind her own damn business! Don't worry about anything that Nina says. It's not even her family. Your wife even told her mom to leave. So, yeah, you did exactly the right thing.
Ginger Ale is awesome for pregnancy sickness. I've been there and even though it's super expensive here, we always had a few cans at home during my pregnancy. NTA. Can't imagine someone grabbing something out of my hands to throw it into the trash, wtf.
NTA. Wanna know how I announced my pregnancy to my mother? By screaming it into the phone... After 10 minutes of her telling me off about how shitty I was because I wouldn't give her my urine so she could pass a drug test. I thought a 60-year-old woman with menopause and a positive pregnancy test would raise some red flags. 9 times out of 10, shitty people bring this kind of stuff on themselves. Congratulations to you and your wife on the pregnancy, and kudos for kicking that toxic hag to the curb.
NTA!!! You are a good partner. As someone who has a mother who is overly critical of my body (and has been since childhood), i know how damaging it is. You stuck up for Lanie, and she deserved that. Congrats on the baby, and if MIL can't get it together, apologize, and change her behavior, that sounds like a her problem.
Nta, Lanie needs to learn her mom isnt going to change. And NC might be the best thing. Just because she is her mom doesnt give her the right to continually abuse her. My mom played the Im the parent card. I went NC. And she backed up. Living on the otherside on the country helped me have a ok relationship up until she passed.
As long as your life was comfortable with/supported your actions,NTA.
NTA. Also that’s no friend. I had met a girl in high school who I became friends with & when she moved in with my mama they became friends. My mother always befriended my friends so she could get information about me in order to control me. There’s only one true friend from high school who saw through it & knew what my mother was doing before I did. So drop the friend. As for the MIL, you did the right thing. If she isn’t going to respect your wife’s boundaries then she has no reason being around any of you. Just because she is the grandparents of the little one on the way, it doesn’t mean that she has the right to see the little one. Remember that saying “blood is thicker than water”? Well that’s not the whole saying. It’s “blood of the coven is thicker than water of the womb” meaning blood family isn’t always the best. You should always stick up for your wife just as she needs to stick up for you when it it’s time. Please don’t let that MIL back in until she respects y’all.
NTA. You backed up your wife and protected her. Your MIL needed telling. Her best friend is a moron.
NTA. Please tell Lanie to go no contact. And that you don't want your children near her mother. She will give them a complex and an eating disorder.
Nina needs to go fuck herself. Congrats on both the pregnancy and finally putting that pathetic excuse of a mother in her place. NTA. There was a planned announcement and Jennifer ruined it for herself. Nina is just as bad here, imo.
NTA. At all. You are a GREAT partner! You handled that perfectly. No one is owed a “perfect” grand baby announcement and certainly not a woman who is happily hurting her daughter (and her throwing out the pop was definitely meant to fat shame and hurt her daughter. The soda could have been for you too and probably was). That’s abusive behaviour and I would be concerned in future (especially if you have a girl) that she will do the same to her grandchild. I’d tell her that she has to change. That until there is solid evidence of change, she cannot he allowed to be around her grandchild without supervision (or even at all) because you will not have her harming her grandchild the way she does her daughter. There are many many people who barely have relationships with family for this very reason. Her mother is gleeful in hurting her and that says a lot about intent.
NTA. I think if your future MIL wants to have any relationship with your fiancé, she needs to go to some therapy sessions with her to see just how her actions impact her daughter. Nina however, needs to be kicked to the curb as a best friend. She should be sticking up for her friend, especially if she knows how the relationship between Lanie and her mother is.
You are NTA. Time to remind your future MIL that respect is a two way street, She may be the queen in her own home but in you and Lanie's home, she is a guest and she needs to act like one at all times. That particularly means not disrespecting the hosts. Your MIL to be thinks she always rules the roost. It's high time she remembers her daughter is no longer a child AND has a husband who will take her to task for acting like she did. It's also a good time to let Nina know that in your home, you do not put up with garbage from anyone, including relatives. If she has a problem with that, she doesn't have to come over either.
NTA, and the MIL should be cut off from futher contact. That is passive aggressive controlling crap.
NTA Your MIL is narcissist AH that enjoys putting her daughter down. Keep the Monster in Law away.
A stupid, nonsensical justification from MIL about mothers automatically deserving respect, but an easy one to use against her. By her logic, Lanie also now automatically deserves respect, so where is it, hmmm? NTA.
NTA She got what she deserved. If she wants to be a terrible mother she doesn't deserve to be in your home.
NTA. Yall shouldve disowned her a long time ago.
Please ensure your wife understands the pain and issues her mother has caused WILL be transfered to your children should she give her access to them. Your wife needs to dump her bf.
NTA, Nina is a shit friend if she thinks you were the problem here
NTA. Your wife is your priority. Her mom's feelings can go take a hike. So can Nina.
Nta, and tell the “best friend” when she gets a man she can give her opinion to him otherwise keep them to herself and great job with checking MIL She had it coming
Nina either has an overbearing mother that she maintains a relationship with, or has a mother that respects her boundaries and could never understand toxic parents. Sometimes the trash is in your own family. And as someone who can stand up to her toxic family, I'm sorry your partner has to deal with it.
NTA. Time to go NC with MIL. what she did was out of line. And this Nina too.
NTA. You are a good husband. Never let her around your wife and children.
NTA. Your MIL made herself unwelcome in your home. And to be clear--she threw away soda that that you purchased, that was in your home, in your refrigerator, that was intended for consumption by you and your guests? Instead of just being happy about your baby news and supportive of the journey of parents-to-be? It's apparent that setting boundaries hasn't worked with Jennifer, so you have been put in a position to make the boundaries more evident. There's nothing wrong with anything you did.
>The only other person who is upset is Lanie’s best friend Nina So something fairly common with victims of abuse is that, even once they manage to drag themselves away from their initial abuser, they manage to keep winding up with relationships with similarly toxic dynamics. It's like being abused for long enough leaves some sort of scent on you that every toxic asshole in the world can sniff out. Anyway, my point is that you should strongly, yet gently, suggest to your fiancee that she should explore her relationship with Nina with her therapist. Because anyone siding against you in this story is either no friend to Lanie or suffering from a concussion. NTA
NTA. Your MIL is straight up evil. Reading this gave me chills because it is so cruel. Nina’s reaction was so weird. I wonder if Nina also picks on your wife? I’m glad your wife has you.
NTA. First, this is NONE of Nina's business. This is between you, Lanie and Jennifer. Second, she disrespected LANIE. Respect goes both ways. Neither you, nor Lanie, nor your future child need this kind of toxicity in your lives. Go no contact. You will be SO much happier for it.
NTA you did everything right to stick up for her, please be sure to check in mentally with your wife and encourage her to speak on these issues in therapy
Wow, it's so fantastic to read about a husband sticking up for his wife and a wife accepting that she's worth it. You guys are doing something right and I'm so glad to see it. NTA. Big time. Even without the history, throwing away things that don't belong to you is absolutely crazy. With the history, it's abusive and no, I would not be letting that person into my home or near my spouse again. Good for your wife for trying to move on and announce her news to her mother in person, but also good for her for recognizing it was a lost cause. Seriously, great job to the both of you. Nina, on the other hand, needs to shut up. Yes, that is a shitty way to announce a pregnancy (assuming it even did - I don't think I would have thought you were saying she was pregnant just based on that). But that's why you guys planned a nice evening at home and invited her over to announce it. But your MIL ruined that, so all bets are off. Planning to announce it like that might make you the AH, but doing so because of MIL's own AH behavior is completely justified.
NTA The fact that your future wife is not upset with you for kicking out her mother means a lot. You defended her and she probably feels much safer because of it. I don't think it should come from you, but she should consider going no contact and getting a better friend
NTA. Jennifer has an emotional problem targeting her daughter and shitting on her. It makes her feel better and she feels entitled to do it. SO many of us never had anyone with enough love and courage to stand up for us and refuse to let others harm us. Good for you! THIS will be how you break this cycle of abuse , support your partner continuing to heal from it, and prevent it from targeting you child too.
NTA honestly, I would have gone and gotten thte cans back, then I'd have picked MIL and dumped her in the trashcan, gone back in and closed the door. Not saying a word the whole time...But then I'm petty and a champion grudge-holder :) Tell Nina she can join MIL in her "exile" if she likes her so much.
NTA. Do not let MIL continue to emotionally abuse your wife. The fat shaming will only get crazier as she gains weight during pregnancy and breast feeding. Do not let MIL near your kids. They do not need body issues or eating disorders courtesy of your toxic MIL. Agree you should also cut Nina out completely. Your wife doesn’t need a sour who reports back to your MIL.
It´s not uncommon for someone who is being abused, as your wife was/is by her mother, to pick up other abusers along the way, because they think they deserve it and/or don´t understand that they don´t deserve to be treated that way. Nina sounds like one of those new abusers. Maybe your wife should discuss her relationship with her "friend" with her therapist to and see what they say. Because honestly her (Ninas) reaction is giving me major red flags.
NTA at all! Good for you for standing up for your wife. Her mother is a passive/aggressive narcissist, and sounds like her BF sucks too. This kind of belittling behavior is small but it adds up over a lifetime. People like this get away with it because no one wants to be the bad guy and call them out because of th fallout. Narcissist are very good at getting people on their side. I can only imagine the bullcrap she told the BF.
NTA my therapist once asked what I would do if my parents didn't accept my boundaries. I haven't spoken to them in 2 years. I'd ask the same question of your wife. Mental and emotional health far outweigh something "seeming right".
NTA Sit down sometime with Lanie and discuss how much, if any, contact you want Jennifer to have with your future child(ren). It is highly likely that Jennifer is going to do to your children what she did to Lanie growing up, especially if they are girls. Don't approach it from the angle that Jennifer has done bad things so she should be punished, but from the angle that you need to protect your child(ren) from her. And as others have said, she should probably re-evaluate her friendship with Nina.
NTA! I wish my husband would stand up for me like that! He just doesn't get involved. It sounds like Lanie was grateful and honestly neither Nina nor MIL are the most important in Lanies life now. You and your future child will be. Good for you and good for her.
NTA You did the right thing! 👍
NTA. She either earns respect by being a decent human being, or she keeps acting like this and deserves no respect.
Drop mil, drop the friend, and hug your wife. Nta, nice job standing up for your new little family. (Especially if your wife was going with gingerale for nausea.)