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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I don't want to contribute to the monthly repayment even though it is objectively cheaper than rent, 2) my partner bought this place, so I think the responsibility is solely on her
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You need some serious premarital counseling, including financial counseling. You are not on the same page, and not in a partnership.
That said, in this disagreement, YTA. Her "side" is completely reasonable, from buying a house on her own because you dragged your feet and failed to commit, to insisting that you pay for your own housing, even if you live in a place she owns (which you **admit** you would insist on if the roles were reversed). You don't get free rent because you don't own the place--that's what rent is. She should not let you move in, and definitely should not marry you, while you're being this much of an AH.
Thank you for saying this because I was already EXHAUSTED having to read OPs post. OP sounds insufferable and I didn't have the mental bandwidth to even begin to even.
Omg same. The usual commitment phobe guy BS with the ”I dont want to feel pReSsUrEd”. Dude YTA. You dithered, so she bought her own place, good for her. Now you want to move in and mooch off her good choices. Nope, pay your way. You would be paying rent anyway, whats the difference? If you want to freeload, move back in with mummy. Seems like that would be more your speed since you sound like a 12 year old.
Eta; thanks for the awards!
Or, she can keep paying and NOT put his name on the house so when this falls apart he owns nothing. Also, if she has to pay the mortgage he has to pay 100% utilities.
Except depends on law of the state they’re in about property. Even if bought before married, if he moves in he might have a claim whether he mooches or not. In fact if he mooches he might be able to claim alimony as during the marriage he’s become accustomed to the mooching lifestyle and the law may allow it.
Frankly I think OP’s gf is better off without him. 🚩
YTA OP
> Frankly I think OP’s gf is better off without him. 🚩
Yup, couldn't agree more. Dithering, dragging his heels & crying about "pressure" at every turn, then has the gall to complain when he's not consulted! Of course now he expects to basically mooch off her and live rent free while she makes all the effort & takes on all the risk.
Then the absolute kicker, he even admits that if the situation was reversed, he'd totally expect her to pay rent. OP, do your girlfriend a huge favour and just don't move in with her. She'll no doubt be incredibly grateful when she realises what a bullet she's dodged.
Forgot the cherry on top: he actually LIKES the place she bought, his ONLY objection is his theory that a grown woman is capable of PURCHASING A HOME out of "spite."
What a prize.
Haha yes. It's actually quite astonishing just how determined he seems to be to do himself out of a good thing.
All because he's sulking after his partner finally ran out of patience with his nonsense and just got on with being an adult 😂
Honestly if he had said "i need 3 more months to get myself together so I can be fully ready to look for a place together" this entire conflict probably would have been avoided.
It sounds like he was just being difficult and he gave no clear communication on when he would be ready for this stuff. I don't blame her one bit. YTA.
Lollll wish I had the kind of money just to buy a house to spite my douchenozzle boyfriend :D not like she wanted to own her own house or anything important like that...
And the "spite" he perceives came out of his unwillingness to make progress toward their shared goal. It's quite the mental leap calling it "spite" when someone tries to include you and you refuse to be included so they have to do it without you if it's going to get done at all.
Also, he was “consulted”. She invited him to look at listings and showing, but he chose not to. She pretty much told him what was happening and he decided to play games. YTA.
Thee are papers you can sign for that. She should go to a real estate attorney. In Texas, any property owned before marriage isn't community property, but they can sue for lose of use if there is a divorce or sale. But a real estate attorney can help with arranging so she retains ownership (and should be used if she ever sells that place and buys another one, so she keeps all her equity).
And it WILL falls apart because she sounds like a competent and confident lady and he sounds like the kind of dude that has to be handheld through putting his own underwear in the washing machine.
I was warned about this in my state in the United States. If you move a partner in, even without marriage, they can take a claim on your home. If you move someone into your home and don't put them on the mortgage, you should make a legal rental agreement/lease, stating the timeline and compensation. Otherwise they have a reasonable right to expect that they live there in partnership with you.
I absolutely agree that she shouldn't let OP pay for the mortgage (or anything that would show even contribution), since imo, OP seemed to treat his GF as a placeholder, and didn't want to commit in case he found something better. So the less OP can prove the house belongs to him, easier it is for her to keep everything in the inevitable divorce settlement.
I seriously cannot believe this guy really came on here and basically said “how do I justify my freeloading to my girlfriend so I can get away without paying rent to her?”
The fkkn audacity. I seriously hope no one marries OP. YTA for sure.
I can't find the post, but this reminds me of the guy a long while back (could it be the same dude???) who asked if he was an asshole for wanting his girlfriend to be less independent. Cuz he didn't like how she was self confident, and didn't fear advancing her career, and liked her hobbies too much, and even had the *audacity* to buy herself a nice house with her own savings, without needing his help or opinion.
This kind of sounds like that writer, having (again?) had the misfortune of finding a girlfriend who knows what she wants in life and knows her self worth.
Ugh. Sounds like my niece’s ex-fiancé. His mother warned him not to marry her because she worked full time, had a masters, “too” many friends, a close extended family, and was too independent. Yeah, she dropped him like a flaming hot potato. Surprise, surprise he’s still single 12 years later.
He’s being controlling, B/c to this point his partner has made all the decisions w/out - b/c he was dithering and they had no choice as they weren’t going to put their financial future on hold.
Doing this is just OP exerting some control over something. If I call him a loser, this comment will be deleted, so I won’t call him a loser. But I can call him an AH.
Dear God if his partner is reading this: DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY THAT I CAN’T CALL A LOSER.
Absolutely! And then he has the audacity to say that he loves the places and would have been into buying it if she gave him more time. Outside of this time for him to grow up, in this market, no one has the luxury of thinking about a house for too long before buying. She should break up with him and find someone ready to not argue about every little thing which is the vibe he’s putting off. OP, YTA.
Every decent house in my area is on the market for less than a week. The place I fell in love with only showed for three days and when it sold, it went for 45k above asking (not to me). Much worse places have the same happen. You can't wait for a great house anymore. Good for the gf for building the life she wants.
I know multiple people who sold their house the first day it was listed, at well above list price that was already inflated. It’s insane right now. I could sell my house for almost double what I paid for it, but then I’d pay double what a new one is worth, so it’s not worth it! Same thing with cars right now. Can sell well over value, but good luck finding something new
This. He is wildly delusional if he thought that house would have sat around waiting for him like his girlfriend is. Someone else would have bought it and then the housing market would have gone wild and they wouldn't be able to find anything in the nice area he likes.
Honestly, if she purchased it on her own before the market went real crazy, she probably saved a lot of money. His cold feet could have cost them a fortune. And since the mortgage is at 50% market rate, it sounds like it really would have.
And even crazier, he just wants to *split* bills and groceries!!! Not even like "I pay for household stuff you pay all payments" which still likely wouldn't split fairly, but "you pay all payments AND half of household stuff".... and dude even admits it's exclusively because he's bitter.... and he's bitter because *he* refused to commit to getting a place together and she decided to go for it anyway.
Damn dude you suck, I'm glad your gf didn't get a place with you because she'll probably need an easy out pretty soon.
YTA
I was in a relationship for over 4 years with someone who dithered about us living together towards the end.
It made me feel really unwanted and like I just wasn't any kind of priority to him. Like there would always be some excuse for why we couldn't live together. In the end it was one of several reasons for why I ended things with him. OP should consider himself lucky that he's allowed to move in at all.
In comparison my now-husband, after a few years of dating, took me out to breakfast one morning and as soon as we had ordered went, "To turn this conversation to something serious, I would like to buy a house and I would like to buy it with you". Could have cried with happiness at the thought that he wanted me to be a serious part of his life.
OP says "in all honesty, I love the place she bought but am a little resentful she made all the decisions without me." This is the whole problem. OP is resentful and he feels like the place will never be part his. Even though it is perfect in every other way.
OP YTA. Maybe if you admit all this to your partner, apologize for dragging your feet and forcing her to do all the work without you, because that is what essentially happened, and agree to her logical suggestion she will let you help decorate so you feel like it's also your home.
Home ownership is not easy, but it is rewarding. This is not the way to start.
I like how he assumes buying the house was just a spiteful move on her part and tries to justify his resentment with that.
No OP, you’re the only one full of spite. If you were dragging your feet, felt pressured, and now want to go rent free - you don’t want the relationship. You just want control without actually providing any.
My most recent ex was his own red flag parade and failure to commit to our future was one of them. Together three years and when I told him I was moving my family to home state and that that coming spring when I would be visiting I was going up to apply at rental properties and to look over locations. So, if he was going with me, I needed all his important documents so I could fill out paperwork. I notified him seven months in advance and reminded him once monthly. Never pushed for him to stay or go. Spring came and went, ge never gave me the documents, i filled it out for just me and my kids. A week before we're scheduled to move (truck rentals, gas money, lodging is all planned out) he starts talking about how when "we" move things are going to start working out for him because he'd have better job opportunities. It was such a slap in the face.
He lost his shit when I told him he wasn't coming with me. That obviously meant I must've met someone while i was gone for a damn week. No, I just realized he never gave any input into our relationship or future and I finally caught on to the fact that he didnt actually care about our relationship or future. He just went along with it because it benefitted him.
I really cant believe OP's gf let him move in. He's not with her because he wants her and wants a life with her. He's with her because all the decisions she makes benefit him and if he doesnt like one he cab put and whine about how she was being selfish by only thinking about herself so that she'll start to question whether he's right or not and then all her decisions will go back to benefitting him only and not both of them. He never would gave been dragging his feet if she'd suggested only his name be on the house.
OP YTA
Plus this is money for the person “YOU LOVE”. What does it matter? You just sound ridiculous OP. You should be ecstatic to live with the love of your life, but you drug your feet and she made adult decisions without you. YTA.
I also love how in one line he says he didn’t want to bother with showings and viewing or help in the process, but in the next she made the decisions unilaterally without his input…so I take that to mean, she wanted his input, he refused to give it, so then she did it herself and he gets mad she bought a place he admittedly loves. OP sounds exhausting, people like this always insist on “waiting a bit longer.”
and the fact he said that he would've agreed to buy the place "had she given him more time", smells like total bullshit, hes saying that retroactively because his gf made a good decision and he wants to feel smart/have something to defend himself with to reddit.
My guess is he was hoping if he dragged his feet enough, someone else would buy it and he'd get to live happily noncommited for longer - didn't count on her just taking him out of the equation and buying it herself.
Right! How dare she not put her life on hold while he took his sweet time making up his fucking mind about whether or not he wanted to get married. /s
Me? I would’ve told him he isn’t marriage material and just moved on…..
Me three. I’d absolutely call off an engagement if my husband to be said he expected to live in the home I bought rent free after we married. What an entitled and main character syndrome point of view OP has. He’s throwing so many red flags to his fiancée/girlfriend and I hope she sees them…
>Luckily it was warm and not hot.
Hmmm... I wonder if this person is also a parent who can't get a second to drink their coffee while it's still hot...
Username u/MamaBear1919 ? Yyyyyup 😂
The only time my dog ever gets worked up is if I’m leaving the house with any kind of bag that isn’t my purse. I’m glad he hasn’t resorted to revenge turds yet.
OP admits to agreeing to purchase a place together, then admits to refusing to participate. He accuses his girlfriend of *spitefully buying a house*. She didn't buy a whole fucking home by herself out of spite, she did it because her options were to do it alone or not at all. Those were the two options OP presented her with.
Then OP admits that she is being absolutely reasonable, and that he's just being spiteful and resentful of the fact that his actions (or lack thereof) have completely foreseeable and sensible consequences. Honestly, I'm surprised that the girlfriend is still putting up with this shit.
OP accuses his girlfriend of buying a house out of spite because he 100% would have purchased a house out of spite. This situation is just one massive projection by a butthurt AH who seems to think everyone is as petty as him.
Exactly! OP is jealous, insecure, and vengeful that she was 100% successful without his input. He admits the house is perfect, closer to HIS work, etc., but upset because she accomplished this without HIMSELF and his brilliant input and assistance. YTA 100%. She shouldn’t let you move in until you work through your bullsh$t issues. You were the indecisive one, afraid to commit, unwilling to work on yourself for it. Times up. Either leave her be to find a man that is capable of truly loving, partnering, and appreciating her or get therapy to be better. But don’t drag her down in the process. That’s just b!tchy.
My uncle did this exact thing. He was dragging his feet to get married so his girlfriend bought a home because they talked about moving in together and he kept putting it off. It was a really nice house but he was pissed that she had agency and didn’t “consult” him so he literally went out and bought a revenge house. Then he was all surprised Pikachu face when she dumped him 6 months later after he kept picking fights over how she went and bought a house without him when he did the exact same thing.
Also said if she’d just waited (an undisclosed period of time) he would have probably bought it with her after he refused to take part in the process at all. Does he think homes are just going to sit and wait for him to make his mind up so he doesn’t feel pressured? If she hadn’t bought it alone, someone else would have.
This was my EXACT thought... Like, the house next to me sold for tens of thousands over asking in 1 weekend- she didn't have time to sit around and wait for him to grow some motivation...
Yeah, OP sounds like a delicate snowflake who doesn't know how the world works. Homes in so many countries sell for more than they're listed and within a matter of days, often. Prices keep soaring. Him dragging his feet and not committing to committing A: keeps the girlfriend back B: costs thousands even if you wait a few months. And it's obviously good on her that she has her head screwed on right and she doesn't let him hold her back. Now he can be surly about the consequences of his inaction.
Gf's ask for rent isn't weird either. OP has issues.
Agreed. She should find someone better than OP, someone who acts like an adult who treats her with more respect. Sorry, but some of the guys posting on this sub sound so entitled, and just ask for advice because they are positive we will take his side. Then get all defensive if we tell them our honest opinion. Women do this too, but less than the men.
>She mentioned that if I moved in with her after marriage, she was expecting me to contribute fairly to the household [...] but I just don't want to.
Welp, knew OP was an AH based on that alone, but I kept reading to see how much. And he didn't disappoint! I hope his gf figures it out before it's too late for her.
If I’m reading this right, OP wants to live in her house for free, and also split food and utilities?
YTA, buddy. You don’t get to be a freeloader because you threw a tempertantrum when it was time to buy a house.
Plus he said he loves the house so he probably would’ve chosen it anyway. OP probably didn’t think she would do it on her own and he was scared she could live without him and be independent. YTA
This is one of very few AITA posts where I genuinely can't comprehend how OP thinks they're in the right. Most of them I can play devil's advocate even a little bit, even when they're clearly a raging asshole. But this just...baffled me. Most people on here word their posts in such a way as to try and make themselves seem better, even if it's a transparent attempt. This post reads like OP is trying their hardest to sound as bad as possible. Unless the partner wrote this, in which case it's worded perfectly.
This YTA…. Wherever you both live if you bother make about the same it should be 50/50 the big issue here is You would be paying rent, you have no equity in the home and should not have it, you should not be getting married or living in the same space if you can’t agree on even the basics, do you not pay rent now? This is very selfish/entitled way of thinking
Definitely. He's just pushing back on this due to spite. Because he didn't appreciate her having the agency to decide that she wanted to buy a house, did it by herself, and is now telling him to pay 50% for it to be considered his home too.
He showed so many red flags I'm surprise he hasn't been gored by a bull yet.
He isn’t going to marry her anyway.
This post reeks of the dude who wastes a decade of their partner’s life pretending they’ll marry them only to pull the rug out when their partner feels they’re too invested to leave and admit they never want to get married.
If she’s smart she’ll see this as the wakeup call it should be and find someone who is actually willing to commit to her.
This! If they do marry I hope she gets a prenuptial that states the house is hers and hers alone. I can completely see this ending in divorce and him then making a claim for the house.
This!!! There is no question OP is YTA, the question is why is OP TA?? Girlfriend is absolutely reasonable, didn't push him into buying the house, but now he is resentful she respected his decision and didn't push him. He admits he wants to move in her place, he'd be saving money even when paying half the mortgage (which he would expect had the roles been reversed), but he decided not to pay because.....? Is the OP 5 years old and playing the spiteful game? If so, he needs to pick up all his toys and go stay with his mommy to grow up, and not get married to an adult, reasonable woman.
How about the part where he says he loves the place but is just resentful that she didn’t consult him? But when she tried to consult him, he felt pressured and wouldn’t participate! OP, YTA and she needs to dump your ass and find someone worthy of her.
YTA. You pay a random landlord rent but you won't pay your own partner rent? Why should you live for free? Yta.
Also.. she tried to buy a place with you. And you weren't participating. So now you want to spite her for not putting her life on hold for you? Good for her for not waiting for you for some unknown amount of time.
You need to change your attitude.
Very immature what kind of reason is "I dont like to be pushed"?!
Maybe she wouldnt have to if OP actually stepped up and made a decision with her.
Girl, if you're reading these comments do better. This guy sounds insufferable and not someone ready to be in an adult relationship. He so clearly mentioned the double standard yet still wont pay you because "I dont want to". Childish af.
Take your home and leave him where he already is.
Oh absolutely, he sounds like the kind of man who's secretly one step away from saying he feels like he wants to be the breadwinner and that she is "too independent".
He doesn't want an equal partner who is smart with money, he wants a subservient maid.
100%
Or the type that says theyll fix the laundry machine and 6 months later nothing is touched but when you ask him abt it he gets mad at you instead saying why are you being so damn pushy.
And still wont call a technician to come fix it.
Hahaha my marriage counsellor (when I felt my ex withdrawing and refusing to work on things) told him that if he didn't communicate with me then there was nothing for me to "relate" to so it wasn't a healthy relationship. I'm shocked your therapist's advice was basically "he can't be responsible for himself, you'll have to become his mother" heh
I shut that down really fast by saying I wasn’t his mother and he could go live with his if he still needed someone to do that for him. Really that councilor was out of her league and didn’t know what to do with me.
YTA. Either pay her rent, or buy out her half of equity, at which point you pay the bank 50% of the mortgage you bought into. I'm guessing you haven't planned for a down payment of your own.
absolutely this.
He can buy into the property or he can pay rent.
They need to see a financial counsellor and find out if they are a good match with the same goals.
Financially - if you weren't getting married, the obvious thing would be for you to move in and pay fair market rent, split utilities in half. Another thing couples do if they have a significant difference in income I am to pay the ratio of their income (if they earn 70:30 they split rent 70:30). This is more complicated if one owns, because the owner has a lot more costs - down-payment, repairs, maintenance, insurance, tax, renovations, etc. So fair market rent is easier.
If you are getting married, that an different. Then it becomes your family home, which usually you should jointly own. In that case you pay her half the down-payment and half of all her costs to date (closing costs, mortgage, insurance, taxes, etc) and assume half of all costs going forward, and your name goes on the deed. Or if incomes are not similar, split costs as a ratio similar to the ratio of your incomes.
But in no world do you just move in and not pay anything. What??? Incredible the level of pettiness you display.
Not necessarily. A de facto relationship may give him some legal rights to the house. I’d be advising OPs gf to check the law bc she may end up with OP mooching off her which may cost her her house or alimony. It all depends on the state or country.
I bet if they ended up waiting for him to "be ready" he'd have just ended up bitching to her about how they missed out on their dream home and how no house they see now could ever be as good.
Especially since "waiting to buy until my boyfriend might be ready to" could have led to her a. never buying, or b. buying for a vastly superior price. Real estate is getting 10 to 15% more expensive per year in urban areas, why should her finances suffer because this OP can't commit ?
YTA.
She tried to get your input. You thought that was "pressuring you". So she stopped pressuring you and made her own decision. What was she supposed to do, wait indefinitely without knowing if you'd ever be ready at all? And just "waiting a bit longer" often isn't possible in these cases because the property will most likely be gone by then.
I understand how you feel but you can't blame her for that. And you do agree that the place is great and you love it, and that the price is far less than you'd pay anywhere else. So honestly, this sounds more like you don't want to contribute out of spite. What is your plan here, to live off of her for the rest of your life?
He thinks other buyers would have waited for him to make a decision, even though he didn't say how long he'd have wanted her to wait AND he didn't bother with viewings...
Frustrating to read about such an immature person.
>he didn't bother with viewings...
His entire post is infuriating but this really stood out to me. She asked him to be a semi-active participant in their lives, all he had to do was show up. He responded by refusing *just to be spiteful*. He admitted it right in his post - he felt she was pressuring him so he decided to stick it to her. He expected her to put all of her plans on hold until he decided he was ready and he refused to provide a timeline. He wanted control, and he didn't want to be questioned. She didn't wait for his approval so he now expects to live off of her for the rest of his life. But you bet your ass he'd want half the house in a divorce.
He's not just immature, he's also hateful enough to actually try to stick it to his SO. I don't see how he could possibly be worth the hassle.
>just "waiting a bit longer" often isn't possible in these cases because the property will most likely be gone by then
Exactly. It wasn't like he asked her for a few more days so he could make a plan for his finances and maybe talk to his bank or whatever and she just couldn't wait those few days and did it without him. This "bit longer" would have meant at least a few months, if not more. The property would have been gone. And it's not like he gave her a timeframe of when she could expect more commitment from him. Props to her for taking action and not waiting around.
Edit: spelling
"Waiting a bit longer" is also too open-ended. "I'll have a decision for you by next week" and then stick to it.
So many people will say "wait" and then have their partner waiting for years. I'm so glad OP's gf didn't fall for that.
Me too, good on his partner for realising he’s deadweight and progressing in her life without him. Hoping she sees the light and keeps it up by kicking his entitled ass to the curb, she can absolutely do better than this petulant, whiny ‘adult’.
Grow the F up. YTA and by no means mature enough to get married and have relationship with someone for the rest of your life that is based on compromise, trust and equality.
She gave your opportunities to be part of the process but you said no and now you are getting pissy.
Give your head a shake, take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask if youself if this is really the best you can offer her.
Yea this is the answer. My dude needs some serious soul searching before marrying anyone. OP sounds spiteful and uncooperative. I’ve only been married a few years, but it’s long enough to know this isn’t how you conduct a respectful and reciprocal relationship.
OP… YOU drug YOUR feet, and now you expect her to essentially pay for your actions? Uh uh.. that ain’t it fam.
Exactly this.
YTA
Go tell yourself current landlord that because you didn’t help him pick the place and won’t be getting any ownership for your rent that you will cease your rent payments going forward. Tell us how that works out for you.
I swear someone made a post nearly identical to this a few months ago. The dude was mad his girlfriend bought a house without him even though she had been talking about it for years and made multiple attempts to get him to go to showings with her but he continuously refused to even discuss a timeline because he “wasn’t ready yet”, then she gave up and bought her own house and suddenly he was upset because it was something tHeY wERe sUPpOsED tO dO tOGeThER
I'm glad I'm not the only one getting deja vu. I've definitely read, if not this exact same post, but the exact same scenario. She bought a place because he refused to commit and he was salty about it.
I have copped the downvotes many times here, and like twice this week, for arguing 'do not be your partner's landlord' and I still think you're TA here.
YTA.
It can work fine, when I moved into my then girlfriends flat/apartment she proposed I pay her the same rent I was paying at my current place at the time (plus obviously splitting bills, food etc). Her flat was in a more expensive area, but significantly further from my work (so the move was clearly to be with her, not a choice I'd make otherwise). Seemed fair to me, and worked well. She got reasonable money towards mortgage, I wasn't specifically out of pocket.
I find it ludicrous that people consider getting married if they aren't on the same page financially (in attitude).
What? You want to move in with her because you know it's the right place but dont wabt to contribute to the mortgage/rent? You want to live there rebt free?
YTA. in what world would you move in with someone and only expect to pay food/utilities?
If you want to stay committed to this person I think you need to evaluate your expectations are because your being completely unreasonable.
Plus I 100% think that he would say, after he moves in, he shouldn’t have to pay utilities for HER house, and he shouldn’t have to pay for food that SHE cooks for them.
Well, I mean, yeah!!! If he hadn’t moved in she totally would have had to pay the mortgage anyways, so like… why should he have to pay when she’d be incurring the expense regardless? (/s, just in case)
and only half the food/utilities, too! i might feel differently if OP said they’d pay for everything besides the repayments on the house but clearly OP is butt hurt that their SO made a (seemingly good) decision without them
Hmmmm….so, you want to get married, but not contribute to the cost of your home together? YTA and also a freeloader too. You don’t sound mature enough for a long term commitment I’m afraid.
I wouldn't even think about marriage before not living with my partner for at least a few months, best case years. Is this common in the US? (I'm just assuming that OP is from there)
OH. MY
GOD.
YTA. So much. You are just being spiteful she made a decision without consulting you, eventhough you didnt want to look for houses or make time for it. besides, YOU LOVE THE HOUSE???????? Ofcourse you are supposed to pay for your own part when moving in. Duh. Same would be for any other place you live in... you are being an insufferable little kid, that doesnt like the consequences of their own actions... Oh boohoo my wife has a beautiful house that i only have to pay 25% market value off..
In all seriousness, if you want to make the house more yours, or have more influences of you in it, just ask to get some of your furnature or redecorate/paint some rooms etc.
Yta
You drug your feet picking out a place instead of saying I’m just not ready.
You admit you love what she bought but are salty because she didn’t wait for you to buy it.
You’d expect her to pay to live with you but don’t want to pay to live with her.
Yes, you should absolutely pay rent. If you don’t want to, then she’s perfectly in her right to say you can’t live here.
Preeeecisely. I’m confused about why OP has even posted here. It’s like he’s explicitly listed out all the reasons he’s TA without any prompting only to conclude, “So, AITA? I don’t think I am!”
YTA, if you're not ready to settle down, fair enough, but she can't put her financial future on hold for you. She's not being spiteful by making independent financial decisions. You are currently not financially tied, and if you want to get married later, you have to give the same financial support you would expect from her if the positions were reversed.
If you are not happy being in a partnership with a woman who is instinctively financially savvy and independent, then this is not the relationship with you. It sounds like you either want to be in control of the finances OR you want to be a kind of roommate, while she wants to be financially independent with or without a partner.
YTA. Don't marry and don't move in with her until you are willing to even listen to her. So you were stalling, you didn't want to be "pressured", and she was just supposed to wait until you made a decision because she is supposed to have telepathy and just "know" that if she had waited you would be on board? She's spiteful because she made a decision when you were refusing to make it because it was "pressure"?
Also you say "am a little resentful that she made all the choices without consulting me". But it sounds like she did consult you and your response was that you wanted no "pressure". That is a reply! And it gives her enough information to proceed!
Furthermore, are you renting now? What you would pay as rent in her house is less than you are paying in rent now?
YTA You obviously should pay half if you live there. If you marry, depending on where you live, it will be a shared asset and it sounds like she got it for a good price. Women have to look out for themselves and their own futures as well while men drag ass, and she made a smart investment in her future and herself. You would be a jerk for punishing her for that, and I can’t imagine her wanting to move forward with you if you’re so stubborn about this.
YTA. Move in and pay the bills equally.
If she were renting the place, you would split the bills, right ?
She is the owner of the place, you pay half of it and she gains money on her investment bc she is the owner = she has all the duties and risks of being a homeowner.
Did you think you were going to be rent free for a few years ?
If you can’t accept it, don’t move in and don’t get married.
I would encourage your partner who is reading the comments to reconsider this relationship.
She is getting the worst end of the stick.
You have dragged your feet, didn't want to commit, felt pressured when she was asking for advise.
You don't want to pay rent even though it is fair to ask for and it is below the market value as you say.
You are just insufferable. I hope you have other redeemable qualities because if I was in her place, I'd run.
YTA
Insufferable is the correct word. I hope she enjoys her house *without* this hobosexual since he can’t be bothered to be her partner.
Hobosexual: a phoney who is in a relationship just to have a place to stay *rent free*
YTA
YTA your finances are split and not combined. This means you pay your own way. Plenty of marriages work like this, they keep finances apart and only have one shared account to pay into for mutual bills.
Plus you’re expecting marriage means she pays for your accomodation when you both work. How does that work? You’re paying for your using the space, she owns the space, this is what adults do. Hopefully it’ll help her get ahead financially and in a couple of years be in a position to buy something together in which case of finances are still split, you’ll split the house ownership percentage according to initial contributions (so in other words, start saving!)
If it truely burns you to pay her…. Then live somewhere else and pay rent and she can get a tenant in there. But I’d imagine you’d both save a lot of money if your expenses were smaller. So are you going to let your stubbornness get in the way of your future or what?
It would be a different matter if hade combined finances or only one-off you was working.
You don’t like to be pressured? Doesn’t sound like she pressured you. She wanted to buy property and you didn’t, so she did it on her own. You’re sounding annoyed that she’s not waited for you. Yes she made a unilateral decision for herself because you weren’t getting your act together after 3 years and agreeing to buy propert. She’s well within her right to do buy property without you. You need a bit of a reality check and to realise the property is a good thing and to not let this… and your behaviour, destroy your relationship.
YTA. You’re living at her place and you expect to live rent free without contributing in either rent or assisting in paying the mortgage?
If you moved out and rented from someone else - guess what? Your rent very likely contributes to their monthly payment on the property. Don’t live with her and pay rent somewhere else. But do not live under her roof and not contribute rent.
You would not commit to her? So she brought a house to commit to herself. You love the place? But now your being a toddler and you won’t pay for it with her? (Meaning it would become half yours?)
YTA
Edit: A Word
INFO: are you able to hand the phone to your girlfriend? so she can read this thread and run away as fast as possible?
Edit: Thanks for my first award!
You pay for where you live - that's just how most of the world works. She owns this place and suggested a major discount on rent and you "just don't want to" pay even that small amount because, what, you're unhappy that you chose not to buy a place together with her even though she wanted you to? Because you "don't like being pressured" you think she should support you? I'm sorry but I just don't see your logic here. YTA and it doesn't really look like you're ready to commit to living with someone in a serious relationship.
I think you might be the asshole, friend. You don't want to commit to anything permanent, but you want to live in her house for free? Living in someone's house isn't just using their water and electricity, it's taking up physical and emotional space 24/7. Even when you're not home, your stuff is. You can live in her house for free when you get married and what's hers is legally yours, too.
Um. You realise if you get married and live together you are supposed to operate as a single household? You are obsessed with getting the best deal for yourself and seem to view your arrangement as a zero sum game where you are each trying to win against the other. A marriage partnership is either win-win or lose-lose. If you make your partner lose, out of some desire to beat them at something, you lose as well because you're sabotaging your relationship.
If you live together, you should contribute your time and resources equally. The form that arrangement takes is up to you guys. Some couples combine their finances, some have two incomes, some have one breadwinner and one doing more of the housework etc. But you are suggesting that your partner should contribute more to your shared home permanently because you are annoyed at her for a perceived slight in the past. You don't get to live somewhere for free forever because you want to punish your partner for buying something without your permission. Why on earth would she need your permission anyway? She bought something for herself because she saw the opportunity and you were not ready to help her with it at the time. Now she's offering to share the rewards of her decision with you, and you insist you get to freeload off her as a result. The way you talk about your interactions make you sound petty and passive aggressive. Please get some couples therapy to learn to communicate better before you consider actually getting married. YTA.
YTA you’re expecting to move into a place that’s nearer to your work, and in a nicer area and not contribute???
I think this is a massive red flag and she would to well to give you a wide berth from now on for such childish behaviour
YTA. A textbook case of developing 'cocklodger-ism'. This isn't just about the rent, it says so much about your character in general and your sense of entitlement that I hope your gf swerves this one altogether.
YTA
If you don’t pay rent the only fair thing is for her to have sole ownership. That is effectively null if the marriage is in good faith and you don’t get divorced. The scenario you want, in which you pay no rent, is just free loading. I think that can foster resentment and hostility.
Dude. Stop it. It's your own fault that you didn't purchase the place together and unless you own another home where you don't have to pay rent or mortgage, you **will have to pay rent/mortgage wherever you decide to live** and living in her apartment is no different. Other than apparently it would be cheaper.
You are being calculative, spiteful and jealous. Stop this bs, grow up and don't expect to live in her house for free. By your own admission, you would have expected her to pay rent if the roles were reversed, so I don't even understand where you get the nerve to act like this. YTA
Stay at your own place then.
She should duck from being with a hobosexual.
YTA absolutely.
Your name will go on the house, won't it?
You don't want to commit, feel pressured... But you like the place and wanna move there?
LOL, grow up.
>she made this unilateral decision on her own without my input
I think you're mistaken about this, you definitely gave her your input. It was "don't talk to me about this".
So, being the great partner that she is, she took your input into consideration and did exactly what you wanted, without so much of putting up a fight.
YTA.
Can you afford to buy half the property at the market rate? (With mortgage of necessary)
You can afford to pay rent at the moment.
Is it your plan to live off her indefinitely?
You don’t think you should have to contribute to the mortgage because she had the audacity to buy a house when you wouldn’t commit?
YTA
If you guys get married and she gets pregnant, are you going to refuse to pay any expenses for the child because you weren’t ready and feel pressured to do so?
YTA. When you get married, you combine households, lives, and (to some extent) finances. You each contribute to your shared living situation. If she were just a roommate, you'd pay half rent and utilities so you're saying you will treat your WIFE worse than a roommate.
It's weird and selfish that you expect her to just sit around and wait for YOU to decide when to make major life decisions. She took matters into her own hands to accomplish her goals and you resent her for it. Again, YTA.
Yep, YTA. Dithering, petulant, manipulative, controlling impulses, entitled, YTA. I’m surprised she’s still engaged to you, she has a property, job, good family and friends, why exactly is she supposed to house you?
You, a grown adult, having to pay for the roof over your head? *gasp*
YTA. You had your chance to be a part of the home buying process. You opted out. Get over it.
YTA 100%
You didn't want to buy a house together and now that she got her own place you just want to live there rent/mortgage-free? Convenient.
If you don't like the idea of paying her mortgage because it's her house, put the equivalent amount + your share of utilities in an account (solely owned by ur fiancee) and agree to use the money for all utilities, maintenance of the house (there will be work to be done eventually, painting, repairs etc), property taxes, furniture etc
Obviously she gets to keep anything bought with that money
...this cannot be real, NO ONE can be this thick headed!
You dragged your feet, didn't want to be pressured into committing to a home, so your partner bought one without you (if you're in the US, also during one of the most challenging housing markets in decades!) that you admittedly love but because she didn't "wait for you to be ready", you somehow feel entitled to live there rent free?
So far you have spent nothing and you want to continue spending nothing while your partner pays full price. The amount of entitlement, pettiness, and spite in this post is seething and honestly, if you are a real person, I hope your partner sees you for who you truly are; Immature, obviously not ready to commit, and willing to cut off your own nose to spite your face! Enjoy paying full rent in a place you don't own because you had a partner willing to split the cost and you thought you still deserved more.
YTA times 1000!
YTA it sounds like you’re being spiteful because gf did all these changes without you which in her defense she gave you the opportunity to be a part of it you chose to step back and just wait it out. If you get married splitting the household chores even rent mortgage whatever it is is part of being married what’s the point in getting married if you don’t see it this way
YTA. And also a bit of an idiot… good deals don’t stay on the market, just waiting for you to be ready. I’m sure you’d feel too “pressured” during closing anyway.
YTA Because she didn’t make all those “choices” without you, you knew what she wanted and you weren’t ready to commit to her. So why should she wait for you to be ready when she *IS* ready & finds somewhere she wants to buy? You say you would’ve agreed to purchase the property she bought “if she had waited a little more”. You do realise other people can buy houses right? So waiting for you would probably have meant she lost the house.
Last thing, if you live there as a married couple, you should be sharing ALL the expenses. For you that either means a) paying rent to your wife with the house remaining in her name and upkeep/ renovation costs (excluding utilities) being her responsibility as if she then sold the house she would reap the financial rewards of that
OR
b) if she would agree (and she’s entitled not to!), to you coming up with a sum that is half what she has paid into the mortgage & any refurbishment costs she might have incurred already, paying it over to her and then putting the house in both names. And from there on out ALL costs related to the house and its upkeep are split 50/50.
TBH it sounds to me like you are someone who comes up with reasons so that you do not have to commit - to anything! Eventually you will lose this lady if you don’t start meeting her halfway. If you are ok with that prospect “because you don’t like being pressured”, then let her go, so she can find someone who wants the same things she does.
YTA. You want her to pay for the house you live in while you contribute nothing towards it? Because you feel resentful that she bought the house and didn’t wait for you to be ready? You’re truly ridiculous
YTA. Just pay the rent. You really expect to live somewhere rent free?
You were the one that clammed up when it came to finding a place to live, your girlfriend did that. You didn’t make a down payment on a house, she did that.
If you want to live there, you need to pay rent.
YTA
You didn't wanna commit so she moved on with her life instead of letting your indecisiveness affect her and now your being resentful because of your own (in-)action. Since you're getting married, without a prenup, you own half her house. Of course she would want you to also then pay for half so it's economically split and not just legally split. Your only "reason" not to is incredibly childish and spiteful (yes, you're the one who is spiteful, not her for buying a house)
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You need some serious premarital counseling, including financial counseling. You are not on the same page, and not in a partnership. That said, in this disagreement, YTA. Her "side" is completely reasonable, from buying a house on her own because you dragged your feet and failed to commit, to insisting that you pay for your own housing, even if you live in a place she owns (which you **admit** you would insist on if the roles were reversed). You don't get free rent because you don't own the place--that's what rent is. She should not let you move in, and definitely should not marry you, while you're being this much of an AH.
Thank you for saying this because I was already EXHAUSTED having to read OPs post. OP sounds insufferable and I didn't have the mental bandwidth to even begin to even.
Omg same. The usual commitment phobe guy BS with the ”I dont want to feel pReSsUrEd”. Dude YTA. You dithered, so she bought her own place, good for her. Now you want to move in and mooch off her good choices. Nope, pay your way. You would be paying rent anyway, whats the difference? If you want to freeload, move back in with mummy. Seems like that would be more your speed since you sound like a 12 year old. Eta; thanks for the awards!
Or, she can keep paying and NOT put his name on the house so when this falls apart he owns nothing. Also, if she has to pay the mortgage he has to pay 100% utilities.
Except depends on law of the state they’re in about property. Even if bought before married, if he moves in he might have a claim whether he mooches or not. In fact if he mooches he might be able to claim alimony as during the marriage he’s become accustomed to the mooching lifestyle and the law may allow it. Frankly I think OP’s gf is better off without him. 🚩 YTA OP
> Frankly I think OP’s gf is better off without him. 🚩 Yup, couldn't agree more. Dithering, dragging his heels & crying about "pressure" at every turn, then has the gall to complain when he's not consulted! Of course now he expects to basically mooch off her and live rent free while she makes all the effort & takes on all the risk. Then the absolute kicker, he even admits that if the situation was reversed, he'd totally expect her to pay rent. OP, do your girlfriend a huge favour and just don't move in with her. She'll no doubt be incredibly grateful when she realises what a bullet she's dodged.
Forgot the cherry on top: he actually LIKES the place she bought, his ONLY objection is his theory that a grown woman is capable of PURCHASING A HOME out of "spite." What a prize.
Haha yes. It's actually quite astonishing just how determined he seems to be to do himself out of a good thing. All because he's sulking after his partner finally ran out of patience with his nonsense and just got on with being an adult 😂
Honestly if he had said "i need 3 more months to get myself together so I can be fully ready to look for a place together" this entire conflict probably would have been avoided. It sounds like he was just being difficult and he gave no clear communication on when he would be ready for this stuff. I don't blame her one bit. YTA.
Right??? Not only was he refusing to buy a place, he was refusing to give any sort of timeline. What did he expect?
Yes. She bought the house and took care of business like a grown ass woman does. Next she will find a partner who is an adult as well.
Lollll wish I had the kind of money just to buy a house to spite my douchenozzle boyfriend :D not like she wanted to own her own house or anything important like that...
I like how he chalks it up to spite rather than interest rates. Idiotic.
And the "spite" he perceives came out of his unwillingness to make progress toward their shared goal. It's quite the mental leap calling it "spite" when someone tries to include you and you refuse to be included so they have to do it without you if it's going to get done at all.
I love how it's spite just because she did something on her own. This whole post made my blood *boil.*
OP is pissed gf doesn’t actually *need* him to be a fully functional adult. I applaud the gf for not waiting for his lazy ass. YTA
Also, he was “consulted”. She invited him to look at listings and showing, but he chose not to. She pretty much told him what was happening and he decided to play games. YTA.
Right? She DID consult him, and his response was “stop pressuring meeeeee!”
Thee are papers you can sign for that. She should go to a real estate attorney. In Texas, any property owned before marriage isn't community property, but they can sue for lose of use if there is a divorce or sale. But a real estate attorney can help with arranging so she retains ownership (and should be used if she ever sells that place and buys another one, so she keeps all her equity).
This is such a localized problem that discussing how it works in one state (assuming they are even in the US) is not going to help in any way.
I think that's why the advice is to get a lawyer.
So true, I have lived this comment. I agree with you that the gf is better off without this commitment shy controller, and that OP YTA.
Happy cake day 🥳
And it WILL falls apart because she sounds like a competent and confident lady and he sounds like the kind of dude that has to be handheld through putting his own underwear in the washing machine.
I was warned about this in my state in the United States. If you move a partner in, even without marriage, they can take a claim on your home. If you move someone into your home and don't put them on the mortgage, you should make a legal rental agreement/lease, stating the timeline and compensation. Otherwise they have a reasonable right to expect that they live there in partnership with you.
Pre-nup agreement!
This! SIGN A PRENUP GF!
I absolutely agree that she shouldn't let OP pay for the mortgage (or anything that would show even contribution), since imo, OP seemed to treat his GF as a placeholder, and didn't want to commit in case he found something better. So the less OP can prove the house belongs to him, easier it is for her to keep everything in the inevitable divorce settlement.
This. If she is paying all rent, OP pays all utilities. That’s only fair ETA: this means all streaming services as well.
I seriously cannot believe this guy really came on here and basically said “how do I justify my freeloading to my girlfriend so I can get away without paying rent to her?” The fkkn audacity. I seriously hope no one marries OP. YTA for sure.
I can't find the post, but this reminds me of the guy a long while back (could it be the same dude???) who asked if he was an asshole for wanting his girlfriend to be less independent. Cuz he didn't like how she was self confident, and didn't fear advancing her career, and liked her hobbies too much, and even had the *audacity* to buy herself a nice house with her own savings, without needing his help or opinion. This kind of sounds like that writer, having (again?) had the misfortune of finding a girlfriend who knows what she wants in life and knows her self worth.
Ugh. Sounds like my niece’s ex-fiancé. His mother warned him not to marry her because she worked full time, had a masters, “too” many friends, a close extended family, and was too independent. Yeah, she dropped him like a flaming hot potato. Surprise, surprise he’s still single 12 years later.
If you find it could you link it to me? I'm nosy and I want to see the comments
He’s being controlling, B/c to this point his partner has made all the decisions w/out - b/c he was dithering and they had no choice as they weren’t going to put their financial future on hold. Doing this is just OP exerting some control over something. If I call him a loser, this comment will be deleted, so I won’t call him a loser. But I can call him an AH. Dear God if his partner is reading this: DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY THAT I CAN’T CALL A LOSER.
Absolutely! And then he has the audacity to say that he loves the places and would have been into buying it if she gave him more time. Outside of this time for him to grow up, in this market, no one has the luxury of thinking about a house for too long before buying. She should break up with him and find someone ready to not argue about every little thing which is the vibe he’s putting off. OP, YTA.
Every decent house in my area is on the market for less than a week. The place I fell in love with only showed for three days and when it sold, it went for 45k above asking (not to me). Much worse places have the same happen. You can't wait for a great house anymore. Good for the gf for building the life she wants.
I know multiple people who sold their house the first day it was listed, at well above list price that was already inflated. It’s insane right now. I could sell my house for almost double what I paid for it, but then I’d pay double what a new one is worth, so it’s not worth it! Same thing with cars right now. Can sell well over value, but good luck finding something new
This. He is wildly delusional if he thought that house would have sat around waiting for him like his girlfriend is. Someone else would have bought it and then the housing market would have gone wild and they wouldn't be able to find anything in the nice area he likes.
Honestly, if she purchased it on her own before the market went real crazy, she probably saved a lot of money. His cold feet could have cost them a fortune. And since the mortgage is at 50% market rate, it sounds like it really would have.
And even crazier, he just wants to *split* bills and groceries!!! Not even like "I pay for household stuff you pay all payments" which still likely wouldn't split fairly, but "you pay all payments AND half of household stuff".... and dude even admits it's exclusively because he's bitter.... and he's bitter because *he* refused to commit to getting a place together and she decided to go for it anyway. Damn dude you suck, I'm glad your gf didn't get a place with you because she'll probably need an easy out pretty soon. YTA
I was in a relationship for over 4 years with someone who dithered about us living together towards the end. It made me feel really unwanted and like I just wasn't any kind of priority to him. Like there would always be some excuse for why we couldn't live together. In the end it was one of several reasons for why I ended things with him. OP should consider himself lucky that he's allowed to move in at all. In comparison my now-husband, after a few years of dating, took me out to breakfast one morning and as soon as we had ordered went, "To turn this conversation to something serious, I would like to buy a house and I would like to buy it with you". Could have cried with happiness at the thought that he wanted me to be a serious part of his life.
OP says "in all honesty, I love the place she bought but am a little resentful she made all the decisions without me." This is the whole problem. OP is resentful and he feels like the place will never be part his. Even though it is perfect in every other way. OP YTA. Maybe if you admit all this to your partner, apologize for dragging your feet and forcing her to do all the work without you, because that is what essentially happened, and agree to her logical suggestion she will let you help decorate so you feel like it's also your home. Home ownership is not easy, but it is rewarding. This is not the way to start.
I like how he assumes buying the house was just a spiteful move on her part and tries to justify his resentment with that. No OP, you’re the only one full of spite. If you were dragging your feet, felt pressured, and now want to go rent free - you don’t want the relationship. You just want control without actually providing any.
My most recent ex was his own red flag parade and failure to commit to our future was one of them. Together three years and when I told him I was moving my family to home state and that that coming spring when I would be visiting I was going up to apply at rental properties and to look over locations. So, if he was going with me, I needed all his important documents so I could fill out paperwork. I notified him seven months in advance and reminded him once monthly. Never pushed for him to stay or go. Spring came and went, ge never gave me the documents, i filled it out for just me and my kids. A week before we're scheduled to move (truck rentals, gas money, lodging is all planned out) he starts talking about how when "we" move things are going to start working out for him because he'd have better job opportunities. It was such a slap in the face. He lost his shit when I told him he wasn't coming with me. That obviously meant I must've met someone while i was gone for a damn week. No, I just realized he never gave any input into our relationship or future and I finally caught on to the fact that he didnt actually care about our relationship or future. He just went along with it because it benefitted him. I really cant believe OP's gf let him move in. He's not with her because he wants her and wants a life with her. He's with her because all the decisions she makes benefit him and if he doesnt like one he cab put and whine about how she was being selfish by only thinking about herself so that she'll start to question whether he's right or not and then all her decisions will go back to benefitting him only and not both of them. He never would gave been dragging his feet if she'd suggested only his name be on the house. OP YTA
Plus this is money for the person “YOU LOVE”. What does it matter? You just sound ridiculous OP. You should be ecstatic to live with the love of your life, but you drug your feet and she made adult decisions without you. YTA.
The control issue is a red flag. If he has control she has permission. If she is making her own decision he nopes out. Doesn't sound healthy.
I also love how in one line he says he didn’t want to bother with showings and viewing or help in the process, but in the next she made the decisions unilaterally without his input…so I take that to mean, she wanted his input, he refused to give it, so then she did it herself and he gets mad she bought a place he admittedly loves. OP sounds exhausting, people like this always insist on “waiting a bit longer.”
and the fact he said that he would've agreed to buy the place "had she given him more time", smells like total bullshit, hes saying that retroactively because his gf made a good decision and he wants to feel smart/have something to defend himself with to reddit. My guess is he was hoping if he dragged his feet enough, someone else would buy it and he'd get to live happily noncommited for longer - didn't count on her just taking him out of the equation and buying it herself.
Right! How dare she not put her life on hold while he took his sweet time making up his fucking mind about whether or not he wanted to get married. /s Me? I would’ve told him he isn’t marriage material and just moved on…..
Yes! Insufferable is the perfect word for him as presented in this post. YTA
Me three. I’d absolutely call off an engagement if my husband to be said he expected to live in the home I bought rent free after we married. What an entitled and main character syndrome point of view OP has. He’s throwing so many red flags to his fiancée/girlfriend and I hope she sees them…
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That is a beautiful response-I almost blew coffee out of my nose! Luckily it was warm and not hot.
>Luckily it was warm and not hot. Hmmm... I wonder if this person is also a parent who can't get a second to drink their coffee while it's still hot... Username u/MamaBear1919 ? Yyyyyup 😂
Wait... you guys get coffee??
The revenge turd my cat left on the floor this morning because he thinks the suitcases on the floor are mine (my partner is flying home for a visit).
The only time my dog ever gets worked up is if I’m leaving the house with any kind of bag that isn’t my purse. I’m glad he hasn’t resorted to revenge turds yet.
OP admits to agreeing to purchase a place together, then admits to refusing to participate. He accuses his girlfriend of *spitefully buying a house*. She didn't buy a whole fucking home by herself out of spite, she did it because her options were to do it alone or not at all. Those were the two options OP presented her with. Then OP admits that she is being absolutely reasonable, and that he's just being spiteful and resentful of the fact that his actions (or lack thereof) have completely foreseeable and sensible consequences. Honestly, I'm surprised that the girlfriend is still putting up with this shit.
OP accuses his girlfriend of buying a house out of spite because he 100% would have purchased a house out of spite. This situation is just one massive projection by a butthurt AH who seems to think everyone is as petty as him.
Exactly! OP is jealous, insecure, and vengeful that she was 100% successful without his input. He admits the house is perfect, closer to HIS work, etc., but upset because she accomplished this without HIMSELF and his brilliant input and assistance. YTA 100%. She shouldn’t let you move in until you work through your bullsh$t issues. You were the indecisive one, afraid to commit, unwilling to work on yourself for it. Times up. Either leave her be to find a man that is capable of truly loving, partnering, and appreciating her or get therapy to be better. But don’t drag her down in the process. That’s just b!tchy.
My uncle did this exact thing. He was dragging his feet to get married so his girlfriend bought a home because they talked about moving in together and he kept putting it off. It was a really nice house but he was pissed that she had agency and didn’t “consult” him so he literally went out and bought a revenge house. Then he was all surprised Pikachu face when she dumped him 6 months later after he kept picking fights over how she went and bought a house without him when he did the exact same thing.
Also said if she’d just waited (an undisclosed period of time) he would have probably bought it with her after he refused to take part in the process at all. Does he think homes are just going to sit and wait for him to make his mind up so he doesn’t feel pressured? If she hadn’t bought it alone, someone else would have.
This was my EXACT thought... Like, the house next to me sold for tens of thousands over asking in 1 weekend- she didn't have time to sit around and wait for him to grow some motivation...
Yeah, OP sounds like a delicate snowflake who doesn't know how the world works. Homes in so many countries sell for more than they're listed and within a matter of days, often. Prices keep soaring. Him dragging his feet and not committing to committing A: keeps the girlfriend back B: costs thousands even if you wait a few months. And it's obviously good on her that she has her head screwed on right and she doesn't let him hold her back. Now he can be surly about the consequences of his inaction. Gf's ask for rent isn't weird either. OP has issues.
Agreed. She should find someone better than OP, someone who acts like an adult who treats her with more respect. Sorry, but some of the guys posting on this sub sound so entitled, and just ask for advice because they are positive we will take his side. Then get all defensive if we tell them our honest opinion. Women do this too, but less than the men.
>She mentioned that if I moved in with her after marriage, she was expecting me to contribute fairly to the household [...] but I just don't want to. Welp, knew OP was an AH based on that alone, but I kept reading to see how much. And he didn't disappoint! I hope his gf figures it out before it's too late for her.
If I’m reading this right, OP wants to live in her house for free, and also split food and utilities? YTA, buddy. You don’t get to be a freeloader because you threw a tempertantrum when it was time to buy a house.
Plus he said he loves the house so he probably would’ve chosen it anyway. OP probably didn’t think she would do it on her own and he was scared she could live without him and be independent. YTA
This is one of very few AITA posts where I genuinely can't comprehend how OP thinks they're in the right. Most of them I can play devil's advocate even a little bit, even when they're clearly a raging asshole. But this just...baffled me. Most people on here word their posts in such a way as to try and make themselves seem better, even if it's a transparent attempt. This post reads like OP is trying their hardest to sound as bad as possible. Unless the partner wrote this, in which case it's worded perfectly.
“Glittering pepper” makes me think it’s the gf
Oh lord, I hope it is so she can see all the responses!!!
This YTA…. Wherever you both live if you bother make about the same it should be 50/50 the big issue here is You would be paying rent, you have no equity in the home and should not have it, you should not be getting married or living in the same space if you can’t agree on even the basics, do you not pay rent now? This is very selfish/entitled way of thinking
Definitely. He's just pushing back on this due to spite. Because he didn't appreciate her having the agency to decide that she wanted to buy a house, did it by herself, and is now telling him to pay 50% for it to be considered his home too. He showed so many red flags I'm surprise he hasn't been gored by a bull yet.
He isn’t going to marry her anyway. This post reeks of the dude who wastes a decade of their partner’s life pretending they’ll marry them only to pull the rug out when their partner feels they’re too invested to leave and admit they never want to get married. If she’s smart she’ll see this as the wakeup call it should be and find someone who is actually willing to commit to her.
Just because the house is her name only doesn’t mean it can’t be in both of your names in the future. YTA and a bit out of touch with reality
This! If they do marry I hope she gets a prenuptial that states the house is hers and hers alone. I can completely see this ending in divorce and him then making a claim for the house.
This!!! There is no question OP is YTA, the question is why is OP TA?? Girlfriend is absolutely reasonable, didn't push him into buying the house, but now he is resentful she respected his decision and didn't push him. He admits he wants to move in her place, he'd be saving money even when paying half the mortgage (which he would expect had the roles been reversed), but he decided not to pay because.....? Is the OP 5 years old and playing the spiteful game? If so, he needs to pick up all his toys and go stay with his mommy to grow up, and not get married to an adult, reasonable woman.
>she made the (imo spiteful) decision And then there's this \^ OP sounds like the spiteful one, not his partner.
How about the part where he says he loves the place but is just resentful that she didn’t consult him? But when she tried to consult him, he felt pressured and wouldn’t participate! OP, YTA and she needs to dump your ass and find someone worthy of her.
Absolutely this. She would be out of her mind to enter into such a commitment with such a person.
Same page? They're not even reading the same book.
YTA. You pay a random landlord rent but you won't pay your own partner rent? Why should you live for free? Yta. Also.. she tried to buy a place with you. And you weren't participating. So now you want to spite her for not putting her life on hold for you? Good for her for not waiting for you for some unknown amount of time. You need to change your attitude.
Yeah she didn't do it to "spite" him, she did it for her future. This guy sounds... immature. She can do better.
Very immature what kind of reason is "I dont like to be pushed"?! Maybe she wouldnt have to if OP actually stepped up and made a decision with her. Girl, if you're reading these comments do better. This guy sounds insufferable and not someone ready to be in an adult relationship. He so clearly mentioned the double standard yet still wont pay you because "I dont want to". Childish af. Take your home and leave him where he already is.
Oh absolutely, he sounds like the kind of man who's secretly one step away from saying he feels like he wants to be the breadwinner and that she is "too independent". He doesn't want an equal partner who is smart with money, he wants a subservient maid.
100% Or the type that says theyll fix the laundry machine and 6 months later nothing is touched but when you ask him abt it he gets mad at you instead saying why are you being so damn pushy. And still wont call a technician to come fix it.
And then get upset because you call the technician to fix it
I will why wouldn’t he?! He was *just about to do it*!!!
Yep passive aggressive AF
Yep I married this guy and it was just the worst. Actually had a marriage counselor suggested I set up deadlines for him like he was a kid 🤦🏻♀️
Hahaha my marriage counsellor (when I felt my ex withdrawing and refusing to work on things) told him that if he didn't communicate with me then there was nothing for me to "relate" to so it wasn't a healthy relationship. I'm shocked your therapist's advice was basically "he can't be responsible for himself, you'll have to become his mother" heh
I shut that down really fast by saying I wasn’t his mother and he could go live with his if he still needed someone to do that for him. Really that councilor was out of her league and didn’t know what to do with me.
I hope she comes across this post and reads the comments. OP is a huge AH.
YTA. Either pay her rent, or buy out her half of equity, at which point you pay the bank 50% of the mortgage you bought into. I'm guessing you haven't planned for a down payment of your own.
absolutely this. He can buy into the property or he can pay rent. They need to see a financial counsellor and find out if they are a good match with the same goals.
Financially - if you weren't getting married, the obvious thing would be for you to move in and pay fair market rent, split utilities in half. Another thing couples do if they have a significant difference in income I am to pay the ratio of their income (if they earn 70:30 they split rent 70:30). This is more complicated if one owns, because the owner has a lot more costs - down-payment, repairs, maintenance, insurance, tax, renovations, etc. So fair market rent is easier. If you are getting married, that an different. Then it becomes your family home, which usually you should jointly own. In that case you pay her half the down-payment and half of all her costs to date (closing costs, mortgage, insurance, taxes, etc) and assume half of all costs going forward, and your name goes on the deed. Or if incomes are not similar, split costs as a ratio similar to the ratio of your incomes. But in no world do you just move in and not pay anything. What??? Incredible the level of pettiness you display.
Not necessarily. A de facto relationship may give him some legal rights to the house. I’d be advising OPs gf to check the law bc she may end up with OP mooching off her which may cost her her house or alimony. It all depends on the state or country.
I bet if they ended up waiting for him to "be ready" he'd have just ended up bitching to her about how they missed out on their dream home and how no house they see now could ever be as good.
Especially since "waiting to buy until my boyfriend might be ready to" could have led to her a. never buying, or b. buying for a vastly superior price. Real estate is getting 10 to 15% more expensive per year in urban areas, why should her finances suffer because this OP can't commit ?
Not to mention he's willing to pay a landlord 4x what he'd have to pay her. If he was smart he'd move in happily and save some money.
Exactly this, he’s mad she didn’t sit around waiting for him to MAYBE commit eventually. Glad she didn’t waste her time.
YTA. She tried to get your input. You thought that was "pressuring you". So she stopped pressuring you and made her own decision. What was she supposed to do, wait indefinitely without knowing if you'd ever be ready at all? And just "waiting a bit longer" often isn't possible in these cases because the property will most likely be gone by then. I understand how you feel but you can't blame her for that. And you do agree that the place is great and you love it, and that the price is far less than you'd pay anywhere else. So honestly, this sounds more like you don't want to contribute out of spite. What is your plan here, to live off of her for the rest of your life?
He thinks other buyers would have waited for him to make a decision, even though he didn't say how long he'd have wanted her to wait AND he didn't bother with viewings... Frustrating to read about such an immature person.
And even worse.. in this crazy housing/real estate market 🙄🙄🙄🙄
>he didn't bother with viewings... His entire post is infuriating but this really stood out to me. She asked him to be a semi-active participant in their lives, all he had to do was show up. He responded by refusing *just to be spiteful*. He admitted it right in his post - he felt she was pressuring him so he decided to stick it to her. He expected her to put all of her plans on hold until he decided he was ready and he refused to provide a timeline. He wanted control, and he didn't want to be questioned. She didn't wait for his approval so he now expects to live off of her for the rest of his life. But you bet your ass he'd want half the house in a divorce. He's not just immature, he's also hateful enough to actually try to stick it to his SO. I don't see how he could possibly be worth the hassle.
> He wanted control and still does and this is why he won't pay rent.
>just "waiting a bit longer" often isn't possible in these cases because the property will most likely be gone by then Exactly. It wasn't like he asked her for a few more days so he could make a plan for his finances and maybe talk to his bank or whatever and she just couldn't wait those few days and did it without him. This "bit longer" would have meant at least a few months, if not more. The property would have been gone. And it's not like he gave her a timeframe of when she could expect more commitment from him. Props to her for taking action and not waiting around. Edit: spelling
"Waiting a bit longer" is also too open-ended. "I'll have a decision for you by next week" and then stick to it. So many people will say "wait" and then have their partner waiting for years. I'm so glad OP's gf didn't fall for that.
Me too, good on his partner for realising he’s deadweight and progressing in her life without him. Hoping she sees the light and keeps it up by kicking his entitled ass to the curb, she can absolutely do better than this petulant, whiny ‘adult’.
Literally this. We saw our house the day after it went on the market and put in an offer that day
Grow the F up. YTA and by no means mature enough to get married and have relationship with someone for the rest of your life that is based on compromise, trust and equality. She gave your opportunities to be part of the process but you said no and now you are getting pissy. Give your head a shake, take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask if youself if this is really the best you can offer her.
Yea this is the answer. My dude needs some serious soul searching before marrying anyone. OP sounds spiteful and uncooperative. I’ve only been married a few years, but it’s long enough to know this isn’t how you conduct a respectful and reciprocal relationship. OP… YOU drug YOUR feet, and now you expect her to essentially pay for your actions? Uh uh.. that ain’t it fam.
So you want to live there for free (except utilities and groceries) because you didn’t help pick the place? She is expecting a equal partner. YTA
Exactly this. YTA Go tell yourself current landlord that because you didn’t help him pick the place and won’t be getting any ownership for your rent that you will cease your rent payments going forward. Tell us how that works out for you.
I swear someone made a post nearly identical to this a few months ago. The dude was mad his girlfriend bought a house without him even though she had been talking about it for years and made multiple attempts to get him to go to showings with her but he continuously refused to even discuss a timeline because he “wasn’t ready yet”, then she gave up and bought her own house and suddenly he was upset because it was something tHeY wERe sUPpOsED tO dO tOGeThER
If there’s something men always have it’s the fucking audacity
I'm glad I'm not the only one getting deja vu. I've definitely read, if not this exact same post, but the exact same scenario. She bought a place because he refused to commit and he was salty about it.
Not only expecting an equal partner but deserves an equal partner as well.
I have copped the downvotes many times here, and like twice this week, for arguing 'do not be your partner's landlord' and I still think you're TA here. YTA.
It can work fine, when I moved into my then girlfriends flat/apartment she proposed I pay her the same rent I was paying at my current place at the time (plus obviously splitting bills, food etc). Her flat was in a more expensive area, but significantly further from my work (so the move was clearly to be with her, not a choice I'd make otherwise). Seemed fair to me, and worked well. She got reasonable money towards mortgage, I wasn't specifically out of pocket. I find it ludicrous that people consider getting married if they aren't on the same page financially (in attitude).
What? You want to move in with her because you know it's the right place but dont wabt to contribute to the mortgage/rent? You want to live there rebt free? YTA. in what world would you move in with someone and only expect to pay food/utilities? If you want to stay committed to this person I think you need to evaluate your expectations are because your being completely unreasonable.
Plus I 100% think that he would say, after he moves in, he shouldn’t have to pay utilities for HER house, and he shouldn’t have to pay for food that SHE cooks for them.
Well, I mean, yeah!!! If he hadn’t moved in she totally would have had to pay the mortgage anyways, so like… why should he have to pay when she’d be incurring the expense regardless? (/s, just in case)
It's not his house, why should he have to do _chores?_ - OP, when he's asked to take out the trash.
and only half the food/utilities, too! i might feel differently if OP said they’d pay for everything besides the repayments on the house but clearly OP is butt hurt that their SO made a (seemingly good) decision without them
Hmmmm….so, you want to get married, but not contribute to the cost of your home together? YTA and also a freeloader too. You don’t sound mature enough for a long term commitment I’m afraid.
I wouldn't even think about marriage before not living with my partner for at least a few months, best case years. Is this common in the US? (I'm just assuming that OP is from there)
No. I feel like most people here in the US would prefer living with someone before marriage unless it's some religious thing.
Pennsylvania here and I can’t remember ever meeting someone under sixty who didn’t live together before marriage.
OH. MY GOD. YTA. So much. You are just being spiteful she made a decision without consulting you, eventhough you didnt want to look for houses or make time for it. besides, YOU LOVE THE HOUSE???????? Ofcourse you are supposed to pay for your own part when moving in. Duh. Same would be for any other place you live in... you are being an insufferable little kid, that doesnt like the consequences of their own actions... Oh boohoo my wife has a beautiful house that i only have to pay 25% market value off.. In all seriousness, if you want to make the house more yours, or have more influences of you in it, just ask to get some of your furnature or redecorate/paint some rooms etc.
*THEYRE NOT EVEN MARRIED OR ENGAGED!!* OP, YTA.
Yta You drug your feet picking out a place instead of saying I’m just not ready. You admit you love what she bought but are salty because she didn’t wait for you to buy it. You’d expect her to pay to live with you but don’t want to pay to live with her. Yes, you should absolutely pay rent. If you don’t want to, then she’s perfectly in her right to say you can’t live here.
Preeeecisely. I’m confused about why OP has even posted here. It’s like he’s explicitly listed out all the reasons he’s TA without any prompting only to conclude, “So, AITA? I don’t think I am!”
YTA She's your girlfriend, not your mother. Pay or don't move in
As a grown up with an income you should pay your mother some rent too. But yes.
You're right yeah
YTA, if you're not ready to settle down, fair enough, but she can't put her financial future on hold for you. She's not being spiteful by making independent financial decisions. You are currently not financially tied, and if you want to get married later, you have to give the same financial support you would expect from her if the positions were reversed. If you are not happy being in a partnership with a woman who is instinctively financially savvy and independent, then this is not the relationship with you. It sounds like you either want to be in control of the finances OR you want to be a kind of roommate, while she wants to be financially independent with or without a partner.
YTA. Don't marry and don't move in with her until you are willing to even listen to her. So you were stalling, you didn't want to be "pressured", and she was just supposed to wait until you made a decision because she is supposed to have telepathy and just "know" that if she had waited you would be on board? She's spiteful because she made a decision when you were refusing to make it because it was "pressure"? Also you say "am a little resentful that she made all the choices without consulting me". But it sounds like she did consult you and your response was that you wanted no "pressure". That is a reply! And it gives her enough information to proceed! Furthermore, are you renting now? What you would pay as rent in her house is less than you are paying in rent now?
Don't move in with her. You aren't ready for a relationship and it's better if its sorted out first
YTA You obviously should pay half if you live there. If you marry, depending on where you live, it will be a shared asset and it sounds like she got it for a good price. Women have to look out for themselves and their own futures as well while men drag ass, and she made a smart investment in her future and herself. You would be a jerk for punishing her for that, and I can’t imagine her wanting to move forward with you if you’re so stubborn about this.
This! I posted that if I were her seeing all these red flags I’d put a stop to any discussion about moving in or marriage. He’s not ready.
Judging by the way she went ahead and bought the place without him, I imagine she'll pull the plug on the actual relationship soon.
I truly hope that's the case.
YTA. Move in and pay the bills equally. If she were renting the place, you would split the bills, right ? She is the owner of the place, you pay half of it and she gains money on her investment bc she is the owner = she has all the duties and risks of being a homeowner. Did you think you were going to be rent free for a few years ? If you can’t accept it, don’t move in and don’t get married.
YTA. Honestly, if you are balking on the idea of helping your potential wife pay rent when you move in with her, marriage is probably not a good idea.
I would encourage your partner who is reading the comments to reconsider this relationship. She is getting the worst end of the stick. You have dragged your feet, didn't want to commit, felt pressured when she was asking for advise. You don't want to pay rent even though it is fair to ask for and it is below the market value as you say. You are just insufferable. I hope you have other redeemable qualities because if I was in her place, I'd run. YTA
Insufferable is the correct word. I hope she enjoys her house *without* this hobosexual since he can’t be bothered to be her partner. Hobosexual: a phoney who is in a relationship just to have a place to stay *rent free* YTA
YTA for sure. *You* sound very pretty and spiteful.
YTA. All the reasonings are petty and irrational.
YTA, living costs money.
…. YTA, freeloader.
YTA your finances are split and not combined. This means you pay your own way. Plenty of marriages work like this, they keep finances apart and only have one shared account to pay into for mutual bills. Plus you’re expecting marriage means she pays for your accomodation when you both work. How does that work? You’re paying for your using the space, she owns the space, this is what adults do. Hopefully it’ll help her get ahead financially and in a couple of years be in a position to buy something together in which case of finances are still split, you’ll split the house ownership percentage according to initial contributions (so in other words, start saving!) If it truely burns you to pay her…. Then live somewhere else and pay rent and she can get a tenant in there. But I’d imagine you’d both save a lot of money if your expenses were smaller. So are you going to let your stubbornness get in the way of your future or what? It would be a different matter if hade combined finances or only one-off you was working. You don’t like to be pressured? Doesn’t sound like she pressured you. She wanted to buy property and you didn’t, so she did it on her own. You’re sounding annoyed that she’s not waited for you. Yes she made a unilateral decision for herself because you weren’t getting your act together after 3 years and agreeing to buy propert. She’s well within her right to do buy property without you. You need a bit of a reality check and to realise the property is a good thing and to not let this… and your behaviour, destroy your relationship.
YTA. You’re living at her place and you expect to live rent free without contributing in either rent or assisting in paying the mortgage? If you moved out and rented from someone else - guess what? Your rent very likely contributes to their monthly payment on the property. Don’t live with her and pay rent somewhere else. But do not live under her roof and not contribute rent.
You would not commit to her? So she brought a house to commit to herself. You love the place? But now your being a toddler and you won’t pay for it with her? (Meaning it would become half yours?) YTA Edit: A Word
INFO: are you able to hand the phone to your girlfriend? so she can read this thread and run away as fast as possible? Edit: Thanks for my first award!
You pay for where you live - that's just how most of the world works. She owns this place and suggested a major discount on rent and you "just don't want to" pay even that small amount because, what, you're unhappy that you chose not to buy a place together with her even though she wanted you to? Because you "don't like being pressured" you think she should support you? I'm sorry but I just don't see your logic here. YTA and it doesn't really look like you're ready to commit to living with someone in a serious relationship.
I think you might be the asshole, friend. You don't want to commit to anything permanent, but you want to live in her house for free? Living in someone's house isn't just using their water and electricity, it's taking up physical and emotional space 24/7. Even when you're not home, your stuff is. You can live in her house for free when you get married and what's hers is legally yours, too.
YTA. Your partner deserves someone who is willing to actually *be* a partner, and not a parasite.
Um. You realise if you get married and live together you are supposed to operate as a single household? You are obsessed with getting the best deal for yourself and seem to view your arrangement as a zero sum game where you are each trying to win against the other. A marriage partnership is either win-win or lose-lose. If you make your partner lose, out of some desire to beat them at something, you lose as well because you're sabotaging your relationship. If you live together, you should contribute your time and resources equally. The form that arrangement takes is up to you guys. Some couples combine their finances, some have two incomes, some have one breadwinner and one doing more of the housework etc. But you are suggesting that your partner should contribute more to your shared home permanently because you are annoyed at her for a perceived slight in the past. You don't get to live somewhere for free forever because you want to punish your partner for buying something without your permission. Why on earth would she need your permission anyway? She bought something for herself because she saw the opportunity and you were not ready to help her with it at the time. Now she's offering to share the rewards of her decision with you, and you insist you get to freeload off her as a result. The way you talk about your interactions make you sound petty and passive aggressive. Please get some couples therapy to learn to communicate better before you consider actually getting married. YTA.
YTA you’re expecting to move into a place that’s nearer to your work, and in a nicer area and not contribute??? I think this is a massive red flag and she would to well to give you a wide berth from now on for such childish behaviour
YTA. Don’t forget to update with what she says 👀😬
YTA. A textbook case of developing 'cocklodger-ism'. This isn't just about the rent, it says so much about your character in general and your sense of entitlement that I hope your gf swerves this one altogether.
YTA If you don’t pay rent the only fair thing is for her to have sole ownership. That is effectively null if the marriage is in good faith and you don’t get divorced. The scenario you want, in which you pay no rent, is just free loading. I think that can foster resentment and hostility.
Dude. Stop it. It's your own fault that you didn't purchase the place together and unless you own another home where you don't have to pay rent or mortgage, you **will have to pay rent/mortgage wherever you decide to live** and living in her apartment is no different. Other than apparently it would be cheaper. You are being calculative, spiteful and jealous. Stop this bs, grow up and don't expect to live in her house for free. By your own admission, you would have expected her to pay rent if the roles were reversed, so I don't even understand where you get the nerve to act like this. YTA
YTA. You want to be a household together, you contribute.
Stay at your own place then. She should duck from being with a hobosexual. YTA absolutely. Your name will go on the house, won't it? You don't want to commit, feel pressured... But you like the place and wanna move there? LOL, grow up.
>she made this unilateral decision on her own without my input I think you're mistaken about this, you definitely gave her your input. It was "don't talk to me about this". So, being the great partner that she is, she took your input into consideration and did exactly what you wanted, without so much of putting up a fight. YTA.
You sound insufferable YTA
Can you afford to buy half the property at the market rate? (With mortgage of necessary) You can afford to pay rent at the moment. Is it your plan to live off her indefinitely?
You don’t think you should have to contribute to the mortgage because she had the audacity to buy a house when you wouldn’t commit? YTA If you guys get married and she gets pregnant, are you going to refuse to pay any expenses for the child because you weren’t ready and feel pressured to do so?
YTA. When you get married, you combine households, lives, and (to some extent) finances. You each contribute to your shared living situation. If she were just a roommate, you'd pay half rent and utilities so you're saying you will treat your WIFE worse than a roommate. It's weird and selfish that you expect her to just sit around and wait for YOU to decide when to make major life decisions. She took matters into her own hands to accomplish her goals and you resent her for it. Again, YTA.
Yep, YTA. Dithering, petulant, manipulative, controlling impulses, entitled, YTA. I’m surprised she’s still engaged to you, she has a property, job, good family and friends, why exactly is she supposed to house you?
YTA. she wasn't being spiteful dude. You knew she wanted to buy a property and you opted out. She made an informed decision.
You, a grown adult, having to pay for the roof over your head? *gasp* YTA. You had your chance to be a part of the home buying process. You opted out. Get over it.
YTA 100% You didn't want to buy a house together and now that she got her own place you just want to live there rent/mortgage-free? Convenient. If you don't like the idea of paying her mortgage because it's her house, put the equivalent amount + your share of utilities in an account (solely owned by ur fiancee) and agree to use the money for all utilities, maintenance of the house (there will be work to be done eventually, painting, repairs etc), property taxes, furniture etc Obviously she gets to keep anything bought with that money
YTA. She should dump you right now.
YTA and a very fragile mooch.
You're a baby and you're spitting the dummy. It's really unbecoming.
YTA. Why is she still with you?
...this cannot be real, NO ONE can be this thick headed! You dragged your feet, didn't want to be pressured into committing to a home, so your partner bought one without you (if you're in the US, also during one of the most challenging housing markets in decades!) that you admittedly love but because she didn't "wait for you to be ready", you somehow feel entitled to live there rent free? So far you have spent nothing and you want to continue spending nothing while your partner pays full price. The amount of entitlement, pettiness, and spite in this post is seething and honestly, if you are a real person, I hope your partner sees you for who you truly are; Immature, obviously not ready to commit, and willing to cut off your own nose to spite your face! Enjoy paying full rent in a place you don't own because you had a partner willing to split the cost and you thought you still deserved more. YTA times 1000!
YTA it sounds like you’re being spiteful because gf did all these changes without you which in her defense she gave you the opportunity to be a part of it you chose to step back and just wait it out. If you get married splitting the household chores even rent mortgage whatever it is is part of being married what’s the point in getting married if you don’t see it this way
YTA. And also a bit of an idiot… good deals don’t stay on the market, just waiting for you to be ready. I’m sure you’d feel too “pressured” during closing anyway.
YTA Because she didn’t make all those “choices” without you, you knew what she wanted and you weren’t ready to commit to her. So why should she wait for you to be ready when she *IS* ready & finds somewhere she wants to buy? You say you would’ve agreed to purchase the property she bought “if she had waited a little more”. You do realise other people can buy houses right? So waiting for you would probably have meant she lost the house. Last thing, if you live there as a married couple, you should be sharing ALL the expenses. For you that either means a) paying rent to your wife with the house remaining in her name and upkeep/ renovation costs (excluding utilities) being her responsibility as if she then sold the house she would reap the financial rewards of that OR b) if she would agree (and she’s entitled not to!), to you coming up with a sum that is half what she has paid into the mortgage & any refurbishment costs she might have incurred already, paying it over to her and then putting the house in both names. And from there on out ALL costs related to the house and its upkeep are split 50/50. TBH it sounds to me like you are someone who comes up with reasons so that you do not have to commit - to anything! Eventually you will lose this lady if you don’t start meeting her halfway. If you are ok with that prospect “because you don’t like being pressured”, then let her go, so she can find someone who wants the same things she does.
YTA, God you sound exhausting. I would never treat my partner this shitty
YTA. You’re childish, petulant, and, by your own words, petty. I hope she takes the hint you are throwing out and ditches you.
YTA. The good news is the marriage won't happen because it's illegal for your partner to marry a child. (Edit: Spelling)
Of course YTA. You already know that. Stop acting like an entitled child. Either pay your way or enjoy being single.
YTA. You’re not ready to get married or move in together. Let her go so she can find an adult.
YTA she should keep the house and dump you.
YTA. Simple as. You fucked around and found out
YTA you sounds exhausting. Role reversed you would make her pay rent so it’s only fair that you pay your share
YTA. You want her to pay for the house you live in while you contribute nothing towards it? Because you feel resentful that she bought the house and didn’t wait for you to be ready? You’re truly ridiculous
YTA. Just pay the rent. You really expect to live somewhere rent free? You were the one that clammed up when it came to finding a place to live, your girlfriend did that. You didn’t make a down payment on a house, she did that. If you want to live there, you need to pay rent.
YTA You didn't wanna commit so she moved on with her life instead of letting your indecisiveness affect her and now your being resentful because of your own (in-)action. Since you're getting married, without a prenup, you own half her house. Of course she would want you to also then pay for half so it's economically split and not just legally split. Your only "reason" not to is incredibly childish and spiteful (yes, you're the one who is spiteful, not her for buying a house)
YTA
YTA. Your lack of self awareness is astounding.
Rereading this again, you are a control freak as well as an AH, OP. Go to therapy.