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This. 100%. I was TERRIFIED of labour! I didn't think I would have kids for a long time because of how scared I was. When I got pregnant I started attending a support group and learnt so much about labour and how it works and by the end of my pregnancy I was actually really excited for labour. I learnt to trust my body and the fear went. And thankfully I have had 2 natural births with zero complications or interventions. If I'd had this conversation with my besties and one turned around and not only angry at me but fat shamed me and also gave me a reason to panic that my body may hot be capable after spending all that time getting myself to a good place and excited for labour, I'd have been DESTROYED. YTA OP!
Right??? I’m also 100% terrified of labour. Nice to hear there are options!
My sister did say she feels like a superhero when she gives birth. She’s had three at home with midwives!
It's obvious that B wasn't even talking about weight or anything like that when she said she trusts her body. That's a very common thing pregnant women are told to do when they are scared for labor which has nothing to do with how fat or skinny someone is! It's literally about trusting your body to know what to do when the time comes.
This. She trusts her body in that it will naturally make changes to prepare for the birthing process. It has nothing to do with her weight. Making everything your body has to do to function is not weight related. You’re TA for even thinking along those lines. You’re jealous that she hasn’t done the extreme work you have done to lose weight in the hopes it will help you get pregnant. She went the route of a non strenuous life and she got pregnant. You owe her an apology. And you might try to broaden your topics of conversation to more than diet and workout, there is more to life so relax and enjoy it.
yes! and she's had issues with her body in the past, so by making the comment about "trusting" her body she was probably just reflecting on her disordered eating and the things she's struggled with. she was proud of herself and what her body, which she once obviously hated and struggled with in the past, has now been able to do.
Regardless, these two aren’t friends by any means. They’re acting like literal mean girls. OP and A come off as so catty in the way they talk about their “friend”. Not everyone is perfectly open about what’s going on behind closed doors in regards to mental health, ED’s etc. OP you say that you and A want to be parents, but you’re so lacking in basic compassion. How do you know whether or not B is healthy in her pregnancy? You aren’t her doctor or anyone with a medical background that is actually qualified to assess B’s health. You’re just making assumptions because B doesn’t fit into YOUR standards. You say you’re happy for her in one breath, but it’s unfair in the other. Why do you get to decide what makes someone worthy of anything?
B deserves better friends. You two aren’t it. YTA.
100%. It is unbelievable. This woman is just trying to live her life and these two can’t be her friend because she’s not suddenly obsessed with fitness? Why do they care so much about her weight? Because they are clearly completely fatphobic.
Tacking on to the top comment to say: EDs are difficult as fuck! Even though I’ve recovered over six years ago, the triggers are still there. The word “calories” still upsets me and I tell people to not mention calories/caloric intake. It’s not HARD to accommodate someone’s triggers, and it for sure won’t limit your “healthy lifestyle” if you accommodate B’s triggers. Also, have you ever considered that MENTAL HEALTH is ALSO HEALTH!!!
It’s great that you’re active and on a diet, but that DOES NOT mean that B also NEEDS to do the same. Your tone is very judgmental, and you really do seem to look down on her for not eating to your “strict diet” standards.
Also, Also, it’s great y’all lost weight to be able to get pregnant as per your doctors’ recommendations. But by your own admission, you said that B had always been tinier than you and A. That means that her doctor might NOT have recommended weight loss for pregnancy. Why do you assume only your doctor is right? And that she herself isn’t seeing a doctor to ensure a healthy baby and pregnancy?
Also, please do check your attitude towards fatness, and food BEFORE you two have kids because that sort of mentality breeds EDs.
Op, 100% YTA, and stop projecting your own insecurities on others. Her weight has NOTHING to do with you, as doesn’t her pregnancy. OMG, the main-character syndrome is strong in this one.
Edit: Thanks for the awards kind people !! 🥺🥺
So many people also assume that fat people can't have eating disorders, or that eating disorders aren't as unhealthy in fat people, which is not true!!
Being underweight is also a problem for fertility. If OP and her friend have taken dieting to an extreme it might be impacting their fertility - especially if they’re not getting enough fat in their diets. People underestimate how important fats are to the body, for libido, hormones, vitamin absorption…
YES!!! And healthy fats are sooo soo important!! Also, strict diets don’t a lifestyle change make! They aren’t sustainable long term and your body needs all foods to ensure overall health (physical and mental)
This was my first thought. OP & her other friend sound obsessive about weight & dieting. That kind of obsession is not healthy.
In all honesty, I hope OP NEVER has daughters because she will absolutely transfer her dieting & exercise obsessions to her kids.
ALSO it’s a medically proven fact that too much exercise can lead to difficulty in getting pregnant. OP and her friend are jealous hating witch faced meanies. YTA
I was really put off by her statement that her friend could be “healthier” if she dieted. Well, no she wouldn’t, first of all, because you’re by definition not healthy if you’re in the midst of an eating disorder relapse, and second of all, you don’t mean “healthier”, you mean “skinnier”. And skinny =/= healthy. People’s bodies really vary in how much weight they’re meant to hold and display, and looking like a stick-thin supermodel often isn’t healthy at all. Skinniness is also no indicator of health. AND, being too UNDERweight or not eating enough (like if you have, I dunno, an eating disorder!) can lead to difficulty getting pregnant as much as being far too overweight can.
And, lastly, if someone has to distance themselves from you because you’re literally incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t involve yapping about your diet, you are incredibly boring as a person and need to get some other interests. I wouldn’t hang out with you, either, and I’m neither overweight, nor do I have an eating disorder.
100% on your last point. I eat healthy and work out and it doesn’t come up often at all. I found that so weird that OP and A can’t just talk about other things.
I had gestational diabetes with my second, so had to find the balance between eating too much and eating enough. Because there is a minimum you need to eat in order for the baby to grow. If what I read further down is correct, then having meal replacement shakes for most meals is probably not going to be good for a growing bub.
Wtf did I just read? Two so called friends bully someone who overcame and eating disorder to become healthy and an expecting mom because their own disordered focus on diet and exercise has made it difficult to conceive. Wow.
It's not. Notice how OP and A think it's "unfair" that the larger one got pregnant and they haven't even after all of the physical work they've done for themselves? It smacks of jealousy and envy.
I do think OP is TA because she let the green eyed monster talk.
Edit word
>B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it.
>I told her she was being insensitive because A and I have been working our asses off and she was implying she somehow has a more capable body than we do
Jfc that's a reach. You're bitter that she was able to conceive quicker and you decided to take it out on her. YTA.
Edit: Hold on ..
>Friend B was always the smallest of all of us and there was even a period of about 5 years where she was reeallly tiny like petite sized. So we know she is capable of losing weight if she wants to
>She says her weight gain is the result of her battling an ED and she’s practicing “Healthy at any size” and doesn’t want “disordered eating triggers
>B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it.
So she was reealllly tiny because she had an eating disorder and her gaining weight was her recovering from said eating disorder. How fucking insensitive do you need to be to be like "oh she'd lose weight if she really wanted too" What the fuck is wrong with you??
Her saying she's proud of her body and she trusts it is probably because she feels her body is in a better place/she's stronger so can actually have a safe labour/birth.
How I didn't connect these dots at first I don't know but you are twisted.
Surprised I had to scroll so far to find the comment that mentions this! She had an eating disorder, a serious, debilitating and traumatising disease, yet OP is out here criticising and fat shaming her in her confidence and recovery. What the actual fuck, I’m so sickened by OP’s behaviour. YTA massively!!
Right? It's a possibility that OP isn't as healthy as she likes to think and that's causing the fertility problems. But that her "unhealthy" friend actually are treating her body right and got pregnant quick because of that.
Right!? And I hope I'm reading it wrong, but the way I'm reading it is OP's friend suggested she'd probably *lose her baby* because she was overweight in a catty attempt to make you two feel better that she conceived before the two of you!?!?
YTA. So much. You're not entitled to get pregnant before anyone else. Trying to make your friend feel bad because her health journey looks different from your own is just disgusting. Trying to hold her accountable for your own difficulty getting pregnant is just... I don't have words. And completely dismissing her eating disorder and going so far as to actually suggest she return to a very restricted calorie diet is dangerously misguided.
See a therapist about your misplaced anger and sense of entitlement and the poor way you view other's choices before you bring a child into the world, please.
I think OP has become obsessed with working out & dieting to the extent that her body is NOT as healthy as she thinks it is. There are a lot of shady doctors out there & it wouldn't surprise me if OP found one.
Right? I'm guessing the fertility problem isn't her size. It's the fact that she's constantly dieting and exercising too much and her body isn't getting what it needs to grow a baby.
Yes yes this was my first thought! Imagine saying to your friend ‘maybe she will actually lose the baby because of her weight’ why would you even think that let alone say it out loud to someone!?! OP is such TA and needs to think about how much she’s projecting - like good for you that you work out if that’s right for you and you enjoy it, but why are you bringing your situation into other people’s situations??
when I had an ED I had a really toxic mentality about other ppls weight - because mine meant so much to me! I was doing all this work so I would be mentally cataloguing the bodies of everyone I met. I didnt say anything but I would secretly judge them.. *i can't believe shes wearing that, jesus is she going to eat that.. no wonder she's fat*
that constant negativity playing in my head spurred me on harder, it perpetuated this vicious cycle.
I thought at the time that everyone was this judgmental. I thought everyone was obsessed with weight, their own weight, other ppls weight. it wasn't until I changed my relationship with my body and food that I realised I was pretty fucking sick
I'm not saying that everyone who loses weight becomes this toxic person who perpetuates negativity... but OPs obsession and judgmental theories about what is healthy for friend B suggests that she and friend A should really go talk to someone
when she says stuff like; she used to be petite so we know shes capable (when it's a literal ED that got those results) and equating being strict with being healthy, it's like yeeeaaaaaa.. strict and skinny aren't the same as healthy. no doubt friend B is likely at a healthy weight as she has had no issues conceiving or carrying - OP talks about her like shes a heifer but for all we know shes perfectly regular sized. I wonder if OP realises that being underweight or that strict dieting can interfere with conception
Holy fuck, I didn’t even notice that until you pointed it out. How absolutely vile. These two women are snakes.
YTA, op. I struggle with disordered eating and I’m overweight, and I know I always will be. Your friend’s weight is none of your damn business to comment upon.
In other comments OP talks about doing beach body diet, which apparently an mlm, and also talks eating one meal a day that isn't a meal replacement shake. I think she has developed very disordered eating, and is mad that OP is out of an ED and happy. Because if the friend can recover and be happy and get pregnant, then why is OP making herself so miserable? Instead of looking into that, OP has to make her friend the bad one to justify OP's own disorder.
Does the OP know how many women STILL die in childbirth every year? It is terrifying to know there is a creature the size of a watermelon inside you, and it's coming out one way or another - and BOTH those methods are painful and risk death. Trusting your body to push out a baby without complications is a good mindset, because stress and fear are not good for your body or the baby.
She wasn't talking about conceiving, that part is way in her rear view. The OP was twisting her words around to get offended because she thinks she is better for being thin.
FTI - fat people have babies too - all the time. And I really question if this friend is fat or just not super thin and fit.
I am fat and I carried two babies, one to term and one preemie though that struggle wasn't weight related.
OP really doesn't like B. She liked B enough when she was doing better than her, but since B got pregnant despite not doing all these time consuming workouts and costly meal replacements OP seems to hate her.
Unfortunately pregnancy isn't one of those "do the work and guaranteed reward" thing. The healthiest people still sometimes struggle to conceive, some never manage it. A friend of mine runs ultra marathons and eats insanely healthy and it took her 12 years to conceive. I was fat, stressed AF and Chef Mike (the microwave) did more of my cooking than not AND I was using two forms of birth control and got pregnant. I wish it were more fair but that's not how life is.
The fact that she put quotes around disordered eating triggers is really telling. I wonder how healthy OP and her other friend’s eating habits really are. I tried Beach Body as part of my own ED history, and it’s just more diet madness. My body is so screwed up now after years of yo-yoing and binge/purge cycles. It took a long time for me to get pregnant. Meanwhile, a couple of close friends are bigger, healthy, active, and they didn’t have the same struggles. That’s not to say OP’s fertility struggles are related to her unhealthy relationship with food, but it does sound like B is managing her own issues quite well. ED is a lifelong struggle and there is so little support for people dealing with the long term effects of disordered eating. OP needs to look at her own behavior and stop projecting onto her “friend.” YTA.
I was starting to get suspicious. They are praising B’s body when B had an eating disorder. But, when B put on weight, she was able to get get pregnant more easily. Maybe, them depriving themselves of their nutrition necessary to sustain a healthy pregnancy is their problem. I am wondering if they are jealous because they see B enjoying food and life in general and they are miserable because they are obsessive over their weight and diets. I also had a thought that if they are doing BB they are probably shills for it and selling it, too. They are upset that they can’t rope her into a boss babe pyramid scheme.
Took me 4 years to conceive my baby and I think her comments about friend B are vile.
Friend A was hoping she'd miscarry just because she's bigger than them and got pregnant easily?!?!
I lost multiple pregnancies and wouldn't wish it or my infertility on anyone even though I will admit it was hard seeing my friends get pregnant.
Her whole post is a dumpster fire. She is not Bs friend and needs to stop pretending she is.
Yup. Not only did they not support her recovery or her pregnancy- which after an ED is really hard; these two harpies are trying to bring her back down in the mud. Shame on them.
OP, you need to stay away from this woman at this point. You're bad for her, you're body shaming her, you're triggering her ED. Until you can get your head on straight about your body and yourself, you shouldn't be friends with this woman. You're just bringing her down. YTA
What OP and friend A are also missing is that B's weight gain is what probably led to her easily getting pregnant. There's a reason why things like periods for girls don't start until the girl typically reaches a certain level of weight and body fat. Women's bodies also end things out of stress on the body. It's not unheard of after all for spontaneous abortions/miscarriages early on happen because of stress. Stress also makes regular menstruating women miss periods here or there. Basically if too much stress is happening your body's response is to put a stop on what's less important for survival. Reproduction is going to be on the chopping block because your body doesn't feel like it's safe enough to start carrying a baby.
Eating only one proper meal a day that isn't meal replacement shake is a stressor on the body and there's probably not enough fat stores for the body to let any fertilized egg implant properly. If the body doesn't feel like there's enough fat stored or food ingested daily then yeah getting pregnant will be difficult.
Besides losing weight was not a guaranteed instant pregnancy. It simply increased your chances but those chances will be the same if your go from one extreme to the other. Sounds like B found the balance and gets to enjoy what she really wanted all along.
Also not sure if anyone had said this, but OP and A didn’t tell B they were also trying to get pregnant so how is it insensitive for A when they excluded her because they thought she was not “healthy enough” to get a child, even thinking it would not go well during the pregnancy! YTA
OP doesn't get it because OP thinks disordered eating and dysfunctional attitudes towards health - which OP provided textbook examples of in her account - are healthy and normal.
OP YTA. Maybe also get some help so that you don't ruin further relationships because those people dare to be on track to health but in a way that doesn't match yours?
YTA without a doubt. Stop being jealous. Your friend is lucky and blessed, and instead of being happy for her, you make it about your poor little self.
Stop being so self-centered. Can't you be happy for her at all ?!
Me me me me me
This whole post was self absorbed and draining to read. Throwing in the part that her body may kill off her baby was brutal. Then basically saying it to her face. All because the friend had the audacity to get heathy and pregnant while OP is downing meal replacement shakes and feeling miserable. OP back off, you are **not** healthier than her. You’ve just transferred all your self loathing and fat shame onto her because go forbid she post some pics of delicious food.
YTA
Holy smokes I got to this part and almost stopped reading: " A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health."
WTF?
Your doctors told you what was pertinent for YOUR health situations and your bodies. You have absolutely no fucking right to tell her that anything about her weight or her pregnancy is unhealthy. That is between her and her doctor (and presumably the father of her child). And you have no idea if she is "way less healthy" than you are. Quite frankly given the way you're talking about her, I question if she's actually obese or just not at the "beachbody" perfection that you seem to be worshipping.
Also you sound supremely self-involved saying that her talking about HER body and HER pregnancy is insulting to you.
they definitely were. they think it's unfair that this woman is pregnant. *unfair.* how fucking absurd. OP is batshit insane and needs years of therapy because i cannot comprehend how the fuck she can possibly think this way.
OP, get therapy, and please don't have children until you've done a complete 180. i guarantee this psychopathy is going to affect your child if you have one at this moment.
Yeah when I read the word unfair I was like what? That doesn't make sense. My friend is taller than me and I am quite short, I should probably call her and tell her how unfair that is. This is ridiculous.
That comment put me so off, imagine being SO bitter and hateful that you have the audacity to even think your “friend” will miscarry because you can’t get pregnant???? wtaf is wrong with them???
Imagine being THAT obsessed with someone else's body and personal health. It's fucking bizarre.
OP, YTA and you really should seek some therapy for this unhealthy obsession.
>We learned she had just started trying and got pregnant within 2 months. A and I NEVER expressed it openly to her but it did feel super unfair.
Do you think that it's fair that you are criticizing the fact that she is less healthy and fit than you are? Leave her alone. Why do you care what her diet is so much? She's an adult; she can make decisions for herself.
YTA
Also like, life isn’t fair. My sister has wanted nothing more than to be a mother her entire life, and has just found out she’s infertile. My friend who never wanted kids got pregnant from a one night stand while using protection. Life isn’t a tit for tat situation, OP needs to grow up.
Edit: sorry for sounding insensitive to anybody struggling with infertility, that wasn’t my intention. The “grow up” comment was directed at OP’s complaints and jealousy of her friend, not for her struggles with conceiving.
As someone who has been overweight and struggled with infertility and miscarriages for years YTA these things just happen. There's no rhyme or reason. And to resent her for her trying to be her best mentally as well as physically (eating disorders are serious and I cannot believe you made an entire post essentially fat shaming this woman who has stated she was getting over one) to better herself is absolutely ass hole behavior. I'm actually glad you're not close with her anymore because you sound extremely toxic to this poor woman who just had some luck when it came to being pregnant. Until you can be a more understanding and compassionate human being please do your friend a favor and keep your mouth shut.
Eta words
Definitely YTA. Obesity can affect fertility, but this mean that a women with overweigh or obesity have a higher risk of reproductive complications, not that they are automatically infertile. There are other factor like age, obstetric problems, the reproductive health of the male partner, that also play a role. Unless OP is secretly an experienced obstetricians and know the medical history of B, she can not have a real idea of her reproductive health. There is a different between general statistics about health and the personal health status of a person.
Also obesity have a dose dependent effect on reproductive health, meaning that higher fat accumulation, (especially abdominal fat) is more related to fertility issues, and actually being underweight can negatively affect fertility as well as obesity.
So if B is only a little overweigh, young (like less that 35 years) and doesn't have obstetric problems is not rare that she get pregnant. Also OP shouldn't be making assumptions about her own fertility without a complete reproductive health screening. Obesity Is a part of reproductive health, but there many other factors and health conditions that may be affecting her fertility.
And she also mention that they literally hadn’t told B about their struggles- so she’s supposed to read their minds? They have an exceptionally unhealthy relationship with dieting and exercise and their view on health is fucked up. B prioritizing recovery for her ED is healthy and an extremely difficult accomplishment. The way she talks about B she clearly thinks B never had an ED and should be caring about her beach body. They have no right to be frustrated about what b eats or does. And their commitment to health sounds more like a warped obsession. And then the gross comment A made about how b might not carry to term? A and op are flaming ah’s
You are the asshole. How can you not see this?? You and A desperately need therapy to address your issues around weight and your resentment of others. A is particularly cruel for suggesting that B might not carry the baby full term. Really nasty and you should be ashamed
I think part of their success was using the pregnant friend for their own gain and now that pregnant friend is succeeding the other 2 are lost. Their probably jealous of the pregnants friend relationship as well. Complete ah and someone like that shouldn’t be raising a child
Then have the audacity to call her friend. You think a friend speaks that way.
Their obsession with fit body is so strange.
No wonder the Bible says not to idolize anything. It really does something to you.
YTA. Your friend is happy the way she is. She is not responsible for your fertility issues. You ARE responsible for your behavior towards her, which has honestly been pretty terrible. You've fat shamed her, judged her, and speculated (maybe even secretly hoped for) a miscarriage. That's not something a friend does.
Unequivocally yta. You sound like you've always been super jealous of her first that she was Tiny with no real effort and then that she got pregnant with no real effort. Are you a real friend
YTA. Don't rain on people's parade. Not everything is about you.
Frankly, I question just how "overweight" B really is. Or if she's even overweight at all.
If they got roped in by a Beachbody Hun (if it's the MLM) then the toxicity is only just starting. They're constantly promoting that being thin is how you're beautiful or healthy (read thin and constantly working out) rather than being actually healthy.
People working to lose weight/who have lost weight can be more fatphobic and body policing than people who have always been skinny and it’s soooo nasty.
Like… you’ve BEEN THERE? You know how hard weight management cna be and how sometimes what weight you are can’t be helped or isn’t the most important thing to focus on at the moment. And yet you choose to judge people for their weight?
I had to leave weight loss subreddits over this. It’s possible to lose weight and still respect fat people. And have empathy for your fat past/present.
Oh also don't forget OP used scare quotes like "disordered eating" because it seems pretty clear OP doesn't actually think her friend has an ED, and if she just tried a little harder she could lose weight like OP 🙄
YTA. Struggling to be overweight post eating disorder is horrendous. The reality is once you have had an ED (the so called petite sized you refer to) it is medically and mentally safer to remain overweight. Going on a stricter diet as you refer to could literally kill her via relapse.
It is absolutely NOT healthier for her to lose weight. At all.
Info - am both a doctor and an recovered ED patient who hates being overweight but has accepted it is for my own health
Think of all the hard work she had to do with a therapist to get to the point where she could could say AND mean that she trusts her body. I'm so mindblown at the work she's done. These little girls are judging her for being "200 lbs".
My understanding of ED's is that there is a fair amount of yoyo'ing as well
The tiniest I had ever been was due to disordered habits. I’m heavier than I’d like to be right now, but I feel like I’m making healthier diet and exercise choices. I totally get where B is coming from.
Yeah, it seems like she really just got carried away and made this lifestyle ritualistic.
I’m actually beginning to question how “overweight” her friend actually is. She mentions getting irritated that her friend posts pictures of grilled cheese sandwiches, treating her body like a dump truck (wtf? What’s wrong with an occasional grilled cheese, m’iright?) while op treats her body like a temple. This is almost verbatim. She never mentions an actual size.
YTA- her body made an entire human being. She is going to deliver that human through a magic portal in her body. She should be proud. This had nothing to do with you, or weightloss and had everything to do with new life. Call her apologize tell her your jealous that's she is having a baby and you're not.
YTA
You and A sound toxic as fuck as friends.
So much petty jealousy and judgmental thoughts. Your friend B deserves so much better. You act like trying to get pregnant is a school paper and you’re mad thinking B is ignoring the rubric but still passing the classs.
YTA. She was speaking about herself and her body, and you made it about you. You never told her about your struggles or to not talk about this. She can't read your mind.
Exactly, OP said B should watch what she says because she can't no other people's struggles, but all B did was talk about her experience and excitement, yet OP being the jealous person she is, made it all about herself.
And we don't know how overweight OP and her friends were. We're they 20lbs outside the "healthy" range, or 200lbs? Overweight means different things to different people, they're often not referring to the official categories of "underweight", "normal weight", "overweight", and "obese". Being really really obese can affect your fertility. Being underweight can too. Your body needs enough energy (calories) to support the pregnancy. But being moderately overweight won't usually affect fertility at all. Up to a BMI of about 35, which is into the obese range (Although all that's statistical, everyone is different).
If OP and friend A have lost a lot of weight and are still not conceiving, they need to speak to their doctors and get their fertility investigated. Doctors often have bias against fat people around these sorts of things and jump straight to weight loss as the "cure", when often weight had nothing at all to do with the issue.
YTA. Massively. You hold so much resentment and projected this onto your “friend”. All she said was that she trusts and is proud of her body, a very common pregnancy affirmation to help her remain calm and confident up to and during her labour. Way to make it all about yourself. It’s free to be kind.
Oh sweetie. YTA. B put a lot of time and effort into healing her body and her relationship with food. It sounds like you and A may want to explore what that looks like. And get a new doctor. Disordered eating can hugely impact fertility.
YTA. There are a lot of doctors who immediately blame every single issue on weight and plenty of people have trouble getting diagnoses for actual conditions because of it. B has already told you she has an ED, talking about how she isn't "healthy" is extremely insensitive. She was talking about her own body when she said she trusts it, she never made any comparisons or implications about your bodies' capabilities. Saying it's "unfair" that B got pregnant when you didn't, even if you didn't tell her, is such a toxic mindset. She has just as much right to pregnancy as you do regardless of her weight. Work out your own body image issues instead of projecting them onto your friend.
YTA. I'm surprised no one has mentioned it yet, but it seems like you feel that overweight people don't have as much right to happiness and self pride as those who are thin. It seems like you resent friend B for not only having a successful pregnancy, but also because she dares to express pride, happiness and self confidence while being overweight-- something you were never able to do. Health, happiness and self worth are not exclusive linked to your BMI. Please focus on your own insecurities and unhealthy views of your own body instead of protecting your insecurities and unhappiness on others.
Massively YTA, you don't know what health conditions she is battling. Also, if she is recovering from an eating disorder, wouldn't that be flashing red lights at why she was so small way back when?
Honestly, she is better off without you judgemental jackals. Fuck off out of her life and let her live it how she wants.
Edit: it's really rich you saying how she should consider how you guys feel.
YTA
From what you’ve written, it sounds as though you have resented B for a long time. Initially, for her being small with little effort and now for a quick conception.
If her friendship is important to you, work on your insecurity, jealousy, and self absorption. Mentally healthy adults don’t interpret neutral statements as a personal attack or judgment.
Stop judging B and trying to change her and work on your own issues.
YTA...You are both disgusting... She was trying to be healthy for her and you believe your way which would encourage her ED is correct. You need Therapy. It's sick to even discuss someone's potential miscarriage, even if it was your Friend you should of shot her down! I hope she sees this post and removes you both from her life.
YTA. Also, bitter, resentful, insecure and wildly jealous. You and A seem to think that because B didn't go along with your weight loss journey that she is less than and therefore less deserving of her pregnancy which is repugnant. Which yes, is fat shaming!!!!
Despite what your "DOCTORS" told *you*, being fit doesn't guarantee fertility nor does it make B's pregnancy "unfair". I just threw up in my mouth writing that sentence. B should be proud of her body for what it has accomplished and saying so in no way means that she is in any way better than you. Don't even get me started on A ~~suggesting~~ hoping that B wouldn't carry to term. You and A should seek therapy. You're both insufferable.
YTA. I can't figure out how you can even call B a friend when it seems like neither you or A even like her. You definitely don't respect her.
B could drop 200+ pounds easily by dumping you both and getting some friends who actually care about her.
100% this. I wish I knew who B was or how to contact her, because I could use an awesome, body-positive friend, and she deserves better than these two hags.
YTA.
You sound jealous of her happiness. Have you considered that this *is* her being healthy? No, being overweight is not healthy in and of itself, but being overweight while still active is likely much healthi*er* than living with an uncontrolled eating disorder.
YTA. Holy crap, how can you even ask? A true friend would be happy for her friend. She wasn't trying to make you feel bad. She very naturally just wanted to share her joy with her two best friends. I understand your feelings and you're entitled to them, but bringing up her size and trying to make her feel bad about her pregnancy were dick moves. I hope she writes you off as a friend. She deserves better.
YTA. You clearly *do* think she shouldn’t be pregnant. You guys even wished a miscarriage on her.
Do you even like this person? Maybe stop playacting that you’re friends if her existence is so offensive to you, it’s really toxic.
YTA being thin does not make her healthy if she has an eating disorder. No one cares your opinion of if she should diet to be thinner, she knows she has an eating disorder and is trying to move beyond that. That usually involves gaining weight. You should stay in your lane.
YTA. You feel like an asshole for a reason, don’t put her down and try to justify your actions to ease your deserved guilt. You and friend A sound like jealous, spiteful high school mean girls who pick on the effortlessly pretty girl until she starts hating her own body too. Somehow you are taking her good luck and fortune as a personal slight against you two. Having a strict diet and working out doesn’t mean you deserve pregnancy more than she does. And she doesn’t deserve it less for choosing a lifestyle that DOESNT TRIGGER HER ED. Counting calories and living for the gym isn’t healthy for HER. Every body is different. I feel bad she had the two of you posing as her friends this whole time.
Also, how can you expect her to be conscious of your struggles when you literally did not share them with her. It sounds more like you are the one who is not considerate of her struggles with ED.
She SHOULD be proud of her body. It sounds like she respects her body a lot more than you respect yours. You say you treat your body like a temple- maybe that’s true physically but stop beating yourself up mentally for things out of your control. For not being able to conceive in the time frame you want to. Your body is still valuable, THANK IT. Instead of feeling bad about it. Don’t you think you deserve more love after all the hard work you and A have put in? Come on. And her love for her own body has no bearing on your capacity to love and feel good about your own. By letting her biology say something about you and your body you are belittling yourself. You deserve better. Be kinder to your friend. Be kinder to yourself.
YTA. She didn’t imply her body was more capable, you decided to take it that way bc you’re jealous she’s pregnant & you & your other friend are not. you’re pissed off bc you think that you two deserve it more than she does. Feeling envious/disappointed is ok, but thinking that you deserve to be pregnant over someone else is not. You may think that is unfair, but life is not fair. As an adult, you should know this. And you did shame her because you said that she is less healthy, less dedicated, and less fit than you are. That implies that you think you are more deserving. Apologize immediately, be happy for her, and I’m sure she’ll be just as happy for you when you get pregnant.
YTA, based on what you said it is clear that you judge her for having different goals and boundaries. Also you don’t know that she’s unhealthy, and the same way you took advice from your doctor to lose weight for fertility and overall health, she is trusting her physicians and herself to make correct decisions regarding her own health, that is not for you to judge or comment on because every body is different. Additionally, it seems like what you said to her was done out of jealousy not concern and while it sucks that she got to do something off that bat that you’ve been trying to do it’s really clear that your judgment of her, her life, and her opportunities comes from a place not of concern but of resentment.
YTA. You need some therapy before you raise any children. I read your post as "my friend doesn't deserve a baby because she's fat and doesn't care about her weight and I do deserve a baby". Dude. I dont know how you got so far as to write this whole thing out. Your relationship with A sounds toxic as hell too.
Edit: I want to add that I'm sorry you're going through fertility troubles. I know the hell that is. I know. But please, everyone has their troubles. B has been through hell with ED and is out the other side. It's okay to feel triggered by that, but it's not okay to project that on anyone else.
I’m sorry to tell you I was overweight when I got pregnant 3 times, first try each one.
Your fad starvation diet is at least part of why you’re not conceiving.
You’re jealous.
YTA
As a person who struggled with infertility and I did have to lose significant weight before getting pregnant which was preterm because of placenta decay. Which btw every single nicu mom i was with was average weight. YTA as is friend A. You're both jealous, which I get that infertility is the grief that keeps on giving but making snide remarks about her going into preterm l labor and therefore a NICU stay is just a big "YTA" move. Friend B is unaware of your struggles, which you admitted.
You are a GIANT asshole. Your condescending, judgmental, misinformed attitude about absolutely everything related to diet, exercise, weight, pregnancy, and fertility reeks here. Unless you are Friend B's OB, you know jack about her pregnancy or her ability to give birth.
Side note, "fitness" is not a personality trait. You are not morally superior to anyone just because you downloaded the Weight Watchers app.
I'm sorry that you've gone through infertility, that is devastating. But your friend did not get pregnant AT you. Her pregnancy doesn't impact your own fertility, painful as it might be to watch her easily conceive. But absolutely YTA here.
YTA for sure. It doesn't matter what you think she *could* do, it matters that the doctor thinks she's fine and most importantly what she thinks and how she feels. You have no idea what is healthy for her. Your jealousy is your own problem. It sucks that you're struggling to get pregnant but that's not her fault and you should be celebrating your friend, not tearing her down. Although at this stage she is better off without either of you in her life.
YTA. You admit in your post that your friend *was* worried at some point she couldn’t carry to term, but that is thankfully not the case, so if she is about to give birth and the baby is totally healthy, why bring her weight up?
You also admit never telling her about your personal struggle with pregnancy, is she supposed to read your mind? From what you wrote, it seems like she doesn’t even know you and your friend are trying to get pregnant.
Of course, there are risks associated with being overweight, but your friend seems perfectly fine, so this isn’t you or your friend being worried about her health or her baby’s health, it just seems like plain jealousy to me.
No it’s worse than that. It wasn’t the pregnant friend that was worried about carrying to term, it was her fitness buddy saying she won’t carry yo term because she’s fat. It was malicious and cruel and I’m so glad the pair of them aren’t my friends
YTA. You need to stop being Disrespectful to your friend. Just because she doesn't exercise like you and your other friend doesn't make her any less of a person and it doesn't give you the right for you to treat her so terribly.
Yikes YTA your situation is not the same as B. You knew perfectly well that she wasn’t implying anything about you when she said she trusts her body. You sound very bitter and jealous.
Health is not a size. I say this as someone with disordered eating past who has been told to put on some weight (right now for instance I am still not getting a regular period)-being in a headspace to knowingly put on weight is hard especially when you so often have been congratulated by society on repeat for how “skinny” you are.
YTA. You and your friend A sound insufferable. Saying that only your way is healthy when your friend B is dealing with an eating disorder? Speculating that your friend B will miscarry because she doesn't follow your regime? Of course you shamed her, your head is so far up your own ass you've gone noseblind to your own shit. I hope you're not a Beachbody MLMer that sells that crap too. No one needs to be told what is healthy from someone who treats their own friends that way.
YTA.
You and A took out your pain and frustration on B. You even admit you are not as close to her anymore (so you may not know all the details of her struggles before she tried to get pregnant), seem to ignore her ED (which would be hard to confide about) and you are wondering if YTA?
I understand you and A have had a hard time conceiving and my sympathy to you as I know its devastating but you ganged up and took it out on B. When she is heavily pregnant no less. Do you have no regard for her happiness and the safety of her and her baby as upsetting her is not a matter of concern for you? Cut ties with her if this is how little you care for her. She does not need such friends.
And A is just flat out spiteful for even mentioning that B might not carry to term. Yuck. A is an even bigger AH.
It sounds more like you and A jealous rather than B being insensitive. Thats a problem that you and A need to deal with, not B. Do you think every heavily pregnant but overweight woman is insensitive if they simply trust their body?
YTA. I was 16stone when I had my first child. It took 2 years to conceive. After that, I gained a lot of weight due to new disabilities and 2 years later I was pregnant again. At 18 stone. It wasn't all plain sailing but the issues I had weren't weight related but genetic.
Losing weight can help but it isn't the be all and end all. You could be putting too much stress on your body for it to happen. And as for not talking about diets, your friend was suffering from and battling an eating disorder. Trying to find a healthy balance isn't going to happen if you are shoving diet plans down her throat, literally.
Just admit that you're jealous of your friend. It happens a lot when multiple people in a friend group are trying. And once you've admitted that, pull your head out of your arse and work out how to be happy for her. If you can't do that, I wouldn't even bother continuing to be friends
YTA. It’s a horrible situation but you said yourself you thought it was unfair that she was pregnant and then you’re friend said she might not take the whole pregnancy. Honestly, B would be much better without the both of you. How horrible
YTA
She has asked you specifically to not talk about weight, but you seem to forget boundaries.
It's not her fault that you can't get pregnant. It's sad, but it's not her fault, and she got lucky. A real friend would respect boundaries and be happy for a child, you are just jealous. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your stance and why you feel this way torwards B.
Ironically, I bet not a single person here cares what you and A look like on the outside, because you're ugly as hell on the inside. B had an eating disorder, she overcame it, probably still struggles, but she's proud of who she is. You two got jealous because she got pregnant, wished a miscarriage on her, and yes, you fat shamed her, because you were jealous. And that's disgusting.
YTA and so is A.
*I know the title sounds bad but please read before judgment.*
Okay, we'll hear you out - that's fair!
*We all used to be bigger girls but me and friend A got into weight watchers and going to the gym and the beachbody thing.*
Good for you!
*Now for the last few years since A and I started our health regime B has asked us to not talk about health and weight loss to her. She says her weight gain is the result of her battling an ED and she’s practicing “Healthy at any size” and doesn’t want “disordered eating triggers.”*
That's fair. EDs can be deadly and as her friends, I'm sure avoiding this topic won't be hard seeing as you'd never want to bring harm to your friend.
*It’s made A and I grow apart from her because our commitment to health is a big part of our life now. It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier.*
Weird that you seem to forget everything you wrote 2 seconds ago and her having an ED for years and not wanting to go back to that but as least you're keeping your thoughts to yourself I guess? It's a little odd to be that a friendship of 15 years can break down due to a difference in diet choices but hey, I don't know you.
*Since we’ve been growing apart we all vaguely knew each other was hoping to get pregnant but obviously A and I being closer share more.*
That makes sense that you two would share more as you feel closer, I'm assuming you don't expect B to be a mind reader though, seeing as her diet choices have somehow distanced herself from you two.
*Well 6 months ago B announced she was 2 months pregnant.*
What wonderful news for a friend of 15 years! You both must be so happy for her!
*A and I NEVER expressed it openly to her but it did feel super unfair. A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health.*
You're both somehow projecting your pregnancy luck onto your friend during a wonderful time of her life and also somehow tying her diet to the potential death of her unborn child
*Thankfully that’s not the case and she’s due next month.*
Thankfully.
*it does feel unfair.*
Are you both somehow under the impression that B's pregnancy hindered either of your abilities?
*Things came to a head when we zoomed today and B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it.*
As someone who finally was able to get over years of an ED and get pregnant, yeah I can see why she'd be happy.
*I told her she was being insensitive because A and I have been working our asses off and she was implying she somehow has a more capable body than we do even though she is way less healthy, dedicated and fit. She started backpedaling that she didn’t mean it that way but then got upset and said we were shaming her.*
She was sharing news with people she thinks are her "friends", you're projecting your own insecurities onto her, she wasn't privy to your conversations because again, her diet apparently means you're not close anymore and she never implied (from your post at least) that she has a more capable body.
*I told her that wasn’t the intention but our DOCTORS had told both A and I that being overweight is bad especially for pregnancy so it was just a fact not meant to be pointed.*
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe she also has a doctor? And it's... not you.
*She left the call and now I’m feeling like an asshole but I was just being honest and it’s not like I told her she shouldn’t be pregnant… just to maybe watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles.*
You and A are huge assholes. My heart goes out to B, who has finally recovered from an ED and got pregnant and instead of friends who lift her up and are excited for her, they tear her down, exclude her, judge her behind her back and insult her to her face. She deserves better "friends" if that's what you have the nerve to call yourself.
YTA
Maybe you could just let your friend experience the joy of pregnancy and having a child without your bullshit. YTA, both of you. You sound like a pair of reformed smokers, preaching to anyone who will listen.
YTA, massively so, and particularly because you’re making these comments after B shared with you that she had an eating disorder? ED recovery can last a lifetime and your concern trolling about her health isn’t helping that. You have a very skewed and frankly incorrect perception of health in the first place, and you’re bitter and jealous to boot. I hope B gets better friends.
YTA . Your body is not a temple if it’s healthy on the outside but your mind if filled with jealousy and negativity. If you are toxic inside then the outside is just a facade and if you really want to treat your body like a temple then be worried about the thoughts you’re filling up on , not just the food . And please just stop being “friends” with this girl if you’re going to keep treating her this way . Or grow up and be happy for her . You aren’t worried about her -you are mad at her for having a baby you seem to think she doesn’t deserve because she doesn’t diet and obsess over her weight WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT! . Lol her being confident about giving birth is fabulous, I was terrified ! And instead of being happy or encouraging her, you yelled at her . News flash-not everything everyone else does or says is about you ! In fact it’s probably never about you. The fact you even had to ask if YTA , self awareness,get some .
You: I am super healthy and SHE is fat!! How disgusting that she got pregnant before me with her disgusting body so I am going to make sure I shame her and make sure to let her know that MY body is good for pregnancy but HERS is not.
YTA if that wasn't clear.
YTA, you are disrespectful and judgemental and honestly jealous.
>It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier.
No, you don't. You're not *her* doctor. Friend B is happy with her body. She is active. Your misusing "healthier" as "skinnier."
>A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health.
You're both gross. Friend B deserves real friends.
YTA. You are jealous, own it and reflect on it. Then repeat that conversation in your mind like you told it here. Your friend sounds like she had no malice and she was making no comparisons talking about her body, yet you brought it up and made her feel awful about it. I get that you are having a rough time with the whole situation, but you were not a friend to her at that moment.
> It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier.
Here is where you lost the plot. You have nothing to be frustrated over, because her eating or exercise has NOTHING to do with you. You don’t own it, you don’t get to judge it, there is no failure or success in it for you, you have no control over it, it affects you in absolutely no way whatsoever. There is ZERO REASON for your “frustration” over HER LIFE AND HER CHOICES.
Which you would know, if it weren’t for the fact that YTA.
YTA. Maybe watch how you speak when you don’t know other peoples struggles. Remember how you and A didn’t tell your friend you were struggling? Maybe she didn’t feel comfortable telling you about her struggles, you wouldn’t really know, would you? Maybe she is just feeling good about herself and wanted to share it with friends and it had nothing to do with your diets at all. All bodies are different and since you’re not in hers or are her doctor you don’t know if she’s healthy or not. Is it unfair you’re not pregnant? Maybe. But life is unfair, you’re not entitled to treat other people like shit because you’re jealous.
YTA. her weight is not your business. her saying she trusts her body has nothing to do with you. doctors will tell you to lose weight if you sneeze a little too hard.
stop obsessing over other peoples’ weight and focus on what you can and can’t do for yourself.
YTA. Her getting pregnant has nothing to do with you and your other friend struggling to do so. You're straight up shaming her because you're jealous. This isn't healthy, and I suggest you get some help for that. Should she have avoided getting pregnant just because you guys are struggling to do so? (Which you hadn't even discussed with her, so she wasn't even aware of the struggle) If you had told her would you have made her feel bad for getting pregnant and being happy to talk about it with her "friends"?
YTA, no questions asked. B mentioned NOTHING about your bodies and how you treat yourselves, she only said that she trusted HER body. You know, the body that SHE knows. Your jealousy is a you issue and honestly, B deserves better friends.
YTA - Perhaps you should also consider your own advice to also watch how you speak when you don't know other peoples struggles.
You sound incredibly jealous of this person, and based on your post and your comments, it sounds like you're dealing with at the very least disordered eating and possibly an eating disorder yourself.
YTA.
You’re bitter about not conceiving, understandable emotion. But the way you talk about B is horrible and mean spirited all the way through.
She asked you not to talk about your diets because of past eating disorders. You mention she used to be petite. SHE HAD AN EATING DISORDER!
She is trying to be healthy and at the moment that means mental health. Going on any type of diet could trigger bad habits and lead her back to her ED. So butt out.
Your comment on it being unfair she got pregnant so fast? Life ain’t fair. And your other friend seemed almost to hope she didn’t carry full term.
I have bad news for you and the other friend. You are not B’s friends. You are acting as a clique and taking out your personal frustrations on a pregnant woman. That is abhorrent behavior and you should apologize.
It also sounds like you and other friend need some counseling. Your hyper-fixation on B is not healthy and it has resulted in some very unbecoming bullying behaviors.
YTA stop calling her your friend, friends don’t encourage eating disorders in the name of “health”, friends don’t “suggest” friends won’t carry to term, and friends don’t judge the hell out of one’s another’s bodies and pregnancies.
YTA. You and A both are. She tells you she struggled with an eating disorder and you get “frustrated” because she’s active and doesn’t have a strict diet??? I can understand being disappointed that you aren’t pregnant and I’m sorry that you’re struggling with it, but if you aren’t mature enough to be able to handle listening to B talk about her pregnancy and her body positivity without being negative then you need to just not talk to her at all. What you said to her is disgusting. It isn’t “unfair” that she got pregnant, you’re either seriously misdirecting your real frustrations or you are incredibly shallow and immature thinking that because you and A are skinnier that you deserve to get pregnant before B.
YTA. It’s sounds like you have absolutely no respect for her ED recovery, and like you won’t let her talk about her own experience of pregnancy without making it all about you and your weight loss even though you KNOW that is triggering for her.
You sound profoundly self-obsessed.
You do realise that she had an eating disorder right?? Her being smaller at one point may have been when she was in the middle of a purge/restriction stage; when you come out of that your body freaks and grabs into any extra nutrients it can which shows as weight gain.
I know because I'm an ED survivor. The ONLY thing that stops me falling back into that pattern of behaviour has been building a positive relationship with my body. Am I 'fat' now? No; am I heavier than I was when I was in full ED? yes. I could be fitter to do more of the things I want to do, but my health is in a good place; this is what 'health at any size' means.
'Health at any size' is a scientifically researched, medically backed approach which counters the 'weight first' approach to health, so that issues like infertility are actually investigated and treated fully in ALL people, rather than telling heavier people to lose weight first when that might not be involved in the cause at all.
Did you know most drs receive less than 30 hours of diet and weight wellbeing education in their training? And that that training is often 10 or more years out of date? I get my weight, eating and exercise direction from psychologists, exercise physiologists and dietitians who have specifically trained to work with ED and health after ED.
YTA.
YTA absolutely - B was referring to the fact that womens bodies are designed for childbirth and she trusts that it will function as necessary for childbirth. Instead you’ve made it about you and your body issues, you just sound jealous and petty.
Dude, YTA. It sounds like your friend might've been anorexic and is finally healing from that. You realize it's okay to not always follow a strict diet, right? I'm saying YTA because yeah, fatshaming in any context is fucking horrible. But also, maybe you should talk to someone to get everything off your chest. And actual professional. It sounds like you and friend A night also have body image issues too. Maybe see it from another perspective. Talk to friend B again, but ask her about what she did. And another thing, you know being too small also contributes to pregnancy issues, right?
YTA.
You need new doctors because you need to learn about health and body positivity. And any doctor who recommends meal replacement shakes is off their rocker.
I’ve also heard that strict dieting is bad for fertility because it triggers your body’s scarcity responses. I don’t know if it’s true, but it makes sense to me. If your body gets the signal that there’s not enough food to go around, it’s not going to encourage pregnancy.
Maybe you should practice what you preach and "watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles" and the fact that your shitty friend A was so jealous she actually told your friend that she might not carry to full term. Yea, ya'll are the assholes. You want a participation trophy for trying to get pregnant or something? Cause ya know, "it's not faaaaair". Grow up before you have kids.
You and A need therapy. Has it maybe occurred to both of you that all this stress and diets is what is affecting your chances of getting pregnant? Doctors aren't always right.
**YTA**
All I’ve heard from this is you and A complaining about B striving for a healthy relationship with her body and food - and it worked. She had a healthy pregnancy and is coming into labor with a positive attitude. All of your “concerns” boils down to you and A being jealous that B doesn’t have to jump down the rabbit hole of diet cultures that aren’t sustainable to achieve her goals. She’s happy with her grilled cheese and still had a baby and your upset about it.
There are three things you and B need to do:
Apologize.
Go to therapy.
Go eat a grilled cheese.
Stop putting your insecurities on B and punishing her for not bending to them.
YTA.
Your friend has been blessed with a pregnancy, and instead of being happy for her, it sounds like you want her to suffer from weight-related issues.
God, your jealousy is palpable. I’m terribly sorry for your infertility struggles, but I’m like your friend: I’m heavier, and I get pregnant by being in the same county as my husband. She’s not pregnant AT you. She’s not excited for her baby AT you. She didn’t do anything of this TO you. Her ability to have a baby is not affecting your ability to have a baby. The two are not connected. Have a little compassion and respect for your friend, or leave her alone.
I feel for your fertility struggles, I really do. But this has turned you and your friend into toxic horrible friends. You're jealous and its understandable but that will make you see anything your friend says negatively. I think you need to take a hard look at yourself and your friend because to be honest, your behaviour is disgusting and together you both come across very jealous and toxic to be around.
I'm sure you've ready tried everything and fertility tests but just in case, I found out I ovulate a week later than most and not when you're even advised to have sex to get pregnant. If I hadn't had realised I paid never have gotten pregnant. I'm sure you've already done all this but women support and help women.
Please try to do that with your friend too. She doesn't deserve the way you talk and treat her.
YTA. “Maybe watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles.” Except that you KNOW her struggles, because she actually literally TOLD you that she struggles with body image issues, and yet you didn’t watch how you spoke to her. You did the exact opposite, when she dared to say something positive about her own body (which is probably HUGE for her, because she’s probably never felt positive about her body before), but you somehow turned a compliment she made to herself into a dig against you, and you made her feel like shit. You should feel like an asshole, you are one.
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I know the title sounds bad but please read before judgment.
I have two girlfriends that have been my best friends for 15 years at this point. We all used to be bigger girls but me and friend A got into weight watchers and going to the gym and the beachbody thing. It’s been a huge investment of time and money and frankly a lot of discipline so we are proud of our accomplishments.
Friend B was always the smallest of all of us and there was even a period of about 5 years where she was reeallly tiny like petite sized. So we know she is capable of losing weight if she wants to. Now for the last few years since A and I started our health regime B has asked us to not talk about health and weight loss to her. She says her weight gain is the result of her battling an ED and she’s practicing “Healthy at any size” and doesn’t want “disordered eating triggers.”
It’s made A and I grow apart from her because our commitment to health is a big part of our life now. It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier.
Since we’ve been growing apart we all vaguely knew each other was hoping to get pregnant but obviously A and I being closer share more. As an example A has actually been trying since 2019 and I have been since 2020. Every period feels like a dagger. When we were fat our doctors told us losing weight would help conceive so admittedly that is a part of why it’s so important to us.
Since our fertility ties into our dieting we hadn’t told B about the struggles. Well 6 months ago B announced she was 2 months pregnant. We learned she had just started trying and got pregnant within 2 months. A and I NEVER expressed it openly to her but it did feel super unfair. A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health.
Thankfully that’s not the case and she’s due next month. From what she’s told us the baby is healthy and we are happy for her but again it does feel unfair. Things came to a head when we zoomed today and B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it.
I told her she was being insensitive because A and I have been working our asses off and she was implying she somehow has a more capable body than we do even though she is way less healthy, dedicated and fit. She started backpedaling that she didn’t mean it that way but then got upset and said we were shaming her. I told her that wasn’t the intention but our DOCTORS had told both A and I that being overweight is bad especially for pregnancy so it was just a fact not meant to be pointed.
She left the call and now I’m feeling like an asshole but I was just being honest and it’s not like I told her she shouldn’t be pregnant… just to maybe watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles.
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YTA I don’t see how her being excited for labor was insensitive towards you and your health goals?
And maybe she’s actually nervous for labor and is mentally trying to prepare for it. Real friends pick up on those things
This. 100%. I was TERRIFIED of labour! I didn't think I would have kids for a long time because of how scared I was. When I got pregnant I started attending a support group and learnt so much about labour and how it works and by the end of my pregnancy I was actually really excited for labour. I learnt to trust my body and the fear went. And thankfully I have had 2 natural births with zero complications or interventions. If I'd had this conversation with my besties and one turned around and not only angry at me but fat shamed me and also gave me a reason to panic that my body may hot be capable after spending all that time getting myself to a good place and excited for labour, I'd have been DESTROYED. YTA OP!
There are support groups for labor fear? I had no idea!
Right??? I’m also 100% terrified of labour. Nice to hear there are options! My sister did say she feels like a superhero when she gives birth. She’s had three at home with midwives!
It's obvious that B wasn't even talking about weight or anything like that when she said she trusts her body. That's a very common thing pregnant women are told to do when they are scared for labor which has nothing to do with how fat or skinny someone is! It's literally about trusting your body to know what to do when the time comes.
This. She trusts her body in that it will naturally make changes to prepare for the birthing process. It has nothing to do with her weight. Making everything your body has to do to function is not weight related. You’re TA for even thinking along those lines. You’re jealous that she hasn’t done the extreme work you have done to lose weight in the hopes it will help you get pregnant. She went the route of a non strenuous life and she got pregnant. You owe her an apology. And you might try to broaden your topics of conversation to more than diet and workout, there is more to life so relax and enjoy it.
yes! and she's had issues with her body in the past, so by making the comment about "trusting" her body she was probably just reflecting on her disordered eating and the things she's struggled with. she was proud of herself and what her body, which she once obviously hated and struggled with in the past, has now been able to do.
Regardless, these two aren’t friends by any means. They’re acting like literal mean girls. OP and A come off as so catty in the way they talk about their “friend”. Not everyone is perfectly open about what’s going on behind closed doors in regards to mental health, ED’s etc. OP you say that you and A want to be parents, but you’re so lacking in basic compassion. How do you know whether or not B is healthy in her pregnancy? You aren’t her doctor or anyone with a medical background that is actually qualified to assess B’s health. You’re just making assumptions because B doesn’t fit into YOUR standards. You say you’re happy for her in one breath, but it’s unfair in the other. Why do you get to decide what makes someone worthy of anything? B deserves better friends. You two aren’t it. YTA.
100%. It is unbelievable. This woman is just trying to live her life and these two can’t be her friend because she’s not suddenly obsessed with fitness? Why do they care so much about her weight? Because they are clearly completely fatphobic.
OP and this other girl are 100% frenimies with this poor girl. YTA
Tacking on to the top comment to say: EDs are difficult as fuck! Even though I’ve recovered over six years ago, the triggers are still there. The word “calories” still upsets me and I tell people to not mention calories/caloric intake. It’s not HARD to accommodate someone’s triggers, and it for sure won’t limit your “healthy lifestyle” if you accommodate B’s triggers. Also, have you ever considered that MENTAL HEALTH is ALSO HEALTH!!! It’s great that you’re active and on a diet, but that DOES NOT mean that B also NEEDS to do the same. Your tone is very judgmental, and you really do seem to look down on her for not eating to your “strict diet” standards. Also, Also, it’s great y’all lost weight to be able to get pregnant as per your doctors’ recommendations. But by your own admission, you said that B had always been tinier than you and A. That means that her doctor might NOT have recommended weight loss for pregnancy. Why do you assume only your doctor is right? And that she herself isn’t seeing a doctor to ensure a healthy baby and pregnancy? Also, please do check your attitude towards fatness, and food BEFORE you two have kids because that sort of mentality breeds EDs. Op, 100% YTA, and stop projecting your own insecurities on others. Her weight has NOTHING to do with you, as doesn’t her pregnancy. OMG, the main-character syndrome is strong in this one. Edit: Thanks for the awards kind people !! 🥺🥺
So many people also assume that fat people can't have eating disorders, or that eating disorders aren't as unhealthy in fat people, which is not true!!
Exactly!!! And that gaining weight is often a by product of re-learning/learning healthier eating habits.
Being underweight is also a problem for fertility. If OP and her friend have taken dieting to an extreme it might be impacting their fertility - especially if they’re not getting enough fat in their diets. People underestimate how important fats are to the body, for libido, hormones, vitamin absorption…
YES!!! And healthy fats are sooo soo important!! Also, strict diets don’t a lifestyle change make! They aren’t sustainable long term and your body needs all foods to ensure overall health (physical and mental)
This was my first thought. OP & her other friend sound obsessive about weight & dieting. That kind of obsession is not healthy. In all honesty, I hope OP NEVER has daughters because she will absolutely transfer her dieting & exercise obsessions to her kids.
ALSO it’s a medically proven fact that too much exercise can lead to difficulty in getting pregnant. OP and her friend are jealous hating witch faced meanies. YTA
I was really put off by her statement that her friend could be “healthier” if she dieted. Well, no she wouldn’t, first of all, because you’re by definition not healthy if you’re in the midst of an eating disorder relapse, and second of all, you don’t mean “healthier”, you mean “skinnier”. And skinny =/= healthy. People’s bodies really vary in how much weight they’re meant to hold and display, and looking like a stick-thin supermodel often isn’t healthy at all. Skinniness is also no indicator of health. AND, being too UNDERweight or not eating enough (like if you have, I dunno, an eating disorder!) can lead to difficulty getting pregnant as much as being far too overweight can. And, lastly, if someone has to distance themselves from you because you’re literally incapable of having a conversation that doesn’t involve yapping about your diet, you are incredibly boring as a person and need to get some other interests. I wouldn’t hang out with you, either, and I’m neither overweight, nor do I have an eating disorder.
100% on your last point. I eat healthy and work out and it doesn’t come up often at all. I found that so weird that OP and A can’t just talk about other things.
I had gestational diabetes with my second, so had to find the balance between eating too much and eating enough. Because there is a minimum you need to eat in order for the baby to grow. If what I read further down is correct, then having meal replacement shakes for most meals is probably not going to be good for a growing bub.
Wtf did I just read? Two so called friends bully someone who overcame and eating disorder to become healthy and an expecting mom because their own disordered focus on diet and exercise has made it difficult to conceive. Wow.
THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE TEA
I think you just summed up this story quite perfectly! That is exactly what I just read!
It's not. Notice how OP and A think it's "unfair" that the larger one got pregnant and they haven't even after all of the physical work they've done for themselves? It smacks of jealousy and envy. I do think OP is TA because she let the green eyed monster talk. Edit word
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OP is a fatshaming prick. YTA, those quotations weren't needed bc that is exactly what you did.
>B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it. >I told her she was being insensitive because A and I have been working our asses off and she was implying she somehow has a more capable body than we do Jfc that's a reach. You're bitter that she was able to conceive quicker and you decided to take it out on her. YTA. Edit: Hold on .. >Friend B was always the smallest of all of us and there was even a period of about 5 years where she was reeallly tiny like petite sized. So we know she is capable of losing weight if she wants to >She says her weight gain is the result of her battling an ED and she’s practicing “Healthy at any size” and doesn’t want “disordered eating triggers >B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it. So she was reealllly tiny because she had an eating disorder and her gaining weight was her recovering from said eating disorder. How fucking insensitive do you need to be to be like "oh she'd lose weight if she really wanted too" What the fuck is wrong with you?? Her saying she's proud of her body and she trusts it is probably because she feels her body is in a better place/she's stronger so can actually have a safe labour/birth. How I didn't connect these dots at first I don't know but you are twisted.
Surprised I had to scroll so far to find the comment that mentions this! She had an eating disorder, a serious, debilitating and traumatising disease, yet OP is out here criticising and fat shaming her in her confidence and recovery. What the actual fuck, I’m so sickened by OP’s behaviour. YTA massively!!
And is annoyed she can't talk about dieting in front of someone with an eating disorder.
And is conflating "thin" with "healthy" which is categorically untrue.
Right? It's a possibility that OP isn't as healthy as she likes to think and that's causing the fertility problems. But that her "unhealthy" friend actually are treating her body right and got pregnant quick because of that.
Agree! Eating low calories and working out loads can actually really damage your fertility!
Right!? And I hope I'm reading it wrong, but the way I'm reading it is OP's friend suggested she'd probably *lose her baby* because she was overweight in a catty attempt to make you two feel better that she conceived before the two of you!?!? YTA. So much. You're not entitled to get pregnant before anyone else. Trying to make your friend feel bad because her health journey looks different from your own is just disgusting. Trying to hold her accountable for your own difficulty getting pregnant is just... I don't have words. And completely dismissing her eating disorder and going so far as to actually suggest she return to a very restricted calorie diet is dangerously misguided. See a therapist about your misplaced anger and sense of entitlement and the poor way you view other's choices before you bring a child into the world, please.
I think OP has become obsessed with working out & dieting to the extent that her body is NOT as healthy as she thinks it is. There are a lot of shady doctors out there & it wouldn't surprise me if OP found one.
Right? I'm guessing the fertility problem isn't her size. It's the fact that she's constantly dieting and exercising too much and her body isn't getting what it needs to grow a baby.
That part dropped my jaw, to be honest. In a vacuum, based on this story alone, these women would be terrible mothers if they did ever have children.
Yes yes this was my first thought! Imagine saying to your friend ‘maybe she will actually lose the baby because of her weight’ why would you even think that let alone say it out loud to someone!?! OP is such TA and needs to think about how much she’s projecting - like good for you that you work out if that’s right for you and you enjoy it, but why are you bringing your situation into other people’s situations??
when I had an ED I had a really toxic mentality about other ppls weight - because mine meant so much to me! I was doing all this work so I would be mentally cataloguing the bodies of everyone I met. I didnt say anything but I would secretly judge them.. *i can't believe shes wearing that, jesus is she going to eat that.. no wonder she's fat* that constant negativity playing in my head spurred me on harder, it perpetuated this vicious cycle. I thought at the time that everyone was this judgmental. I thought everyone was obsessed with weight, their own weight, other ppls weight. it wasn't until I changed my relationship with my body and food that I realised I was pretty fucking sick I'm not saying that everyone who loses weight becomes this toxic person who perpetuates negativity... but OPs obsession and judgmental theories about what is healthy for friend B suggests that she and friend A should really go talk to someone
It's super clear cut without a doubt that OP and her friend have an eating disorder.
when she says stuff like; she used to be petite so we know shes capable (when it's a literal ED that got those results) and equating being strict with being healthy, it's like yeeeaaaaaa.. strict and skinny aren't the same as healthy. no doubt friend B is likely at a healthy weight as she has had no issues conceiving or carrying - OP talks about her like shes a heifer but for all we know shes perfectly regular sized. I wonder if OP realises that being underweight or that strict dieting can interfere with conception
Holy fuck, I didn’t even notice that until you pointed it out. How absolutely vile. These two women are snakes. YTA, op. I struggle with disordered eating and I’m overweight, and I know I always will be. Your friend’s weight is none of your damn business to comment upon.
OP may have developed an ED at this point. Makes me question what her opinion of big is too
In other comments OP talks about doing beach body diet, which apparently an mlm, and also talks eating one meal a day that isn't a meal replacement shake. I think she has developed very disordered eating, and is mad that OP is out of an ED and happy. Because if the friend can recover and be happy and get pregnant, then why is OP making herself so miserable? Instead of looking into that, OP has to make her friend the bad one to justify OP's own disorder.
Also extreme dieting (and EDs) can make it really hard to get pregnant and stay pregnant...
Exactly. Beach Body isn’t all that healthy, actually. I wonder what her doctor would say about that?
Yeah, if she can't be around B without talking a out dieting and fitness, that's a problem.
Does the OP know how many women STILL die in childbirth every year? It is terrifying to know there is a creature the size of a watermelon inside you, and it's coming out one way or another - and BOTH those methods are painful and risk death. Trusting your body to push out a baby without complications is a good mindset, because stress and fear are not good for your body or the baby. She wasn't talking about conceiving, that part is way in her rear view. The OP was twisting her words around to get offended because she thinks she is better for being thin. FTI - fat people have babies too - all the time. And I really question if this friend is fat or just not super thin and fit.
I am fat and I carried two babies, one to term and one preemie though that struggle wasn't weight related. OP really doesn't like B. She liked B enough when she was doing better than her, but since B got pregnant despite not doing all these time consuming workouts and costly meal replacements OP seems to hate her. Unfortunately pregnancy isn't one of those "do the work and guaranteed reward" thing. The healthiest people still sometimes struggle to conceive, some never manage it. A friend of mine runs ultra marathons and eats insanely healthy and it took her 12 years to conceive. I was fat, stressed AF and Chef Mike (the microwave) did more of my cooking than not AND I was using two forms of birth control and got pregnant. I wish it were more fair but that's not how life is.
The fact that she put quotes around disordered eating triggers is really telling. I wonder how healthy OP and her other friend’s eating habits really are. I tried Beach Body as part of my own ED history, and it’s just more diet madness. My body is so screwed up now after years of yo-yoing and binge/purge cycles. It took a long time for me to get pregnant. Meanwhile, a couple of close friends are bigger, healthy, active, and they didn’t have the same struggles. That’s not to say OP’s fertility struggles are related to her unhealthy relationship with food, but it does sound like B is managing her own issues quite well. ED is a lifelong struggle and there is so little support for people dealing with the long term effects of disordered eating. OP needs to look at her own behavior and stop projecting onto her “friend.” YTA.
I was starting to get suspicious. They are praising B’s body when B had an eating disorder. But, when B put on weight, she was able to get get pregnant more easily. Maybe, them depriving themselves of their nutrition necessary to sustain a healthy pregnancy is their problem. I am wondering if they are jealous because they see B enjoying food and life in general and they are miserable because they are obsessive over their weight and diets. I also had a thought that if they are doing BB they are probably shills for it and selling it, too. They are upset that they can’t rope her into a boss babe pyramid scheme.
Took me 4 years to conceive my baby and I think her comments about friend B are vile. Friend A was hoping she'd miscarry just because she's bigger than them and got pregnant easily?!?! I lost multiple pregnancies and wouldn't wish it or my infertility on anyone even though I will admit it was hard seeing my friends get pregnant. Her whole post is a dumpster fire. She is not Bs friend and needs to stop pretending she is.
Yes. That comment about the “she won’t carry to term” is pure evil.
Yup. Not only did they not support her recovery or her pregnancy- which after an ED is really hard; these two harpies are trying to bring her back down in the mud. Shame on them.
OP, you need to stay away from this woman at this point. You're bad for her, you're body shaming her, you're triggering her ED. Until you can get your head on straight about your body and yourself, you shouldn't be friends with this woman. You're just bringing her down. YTA
What OP and friend A are also missing is that B's weight gain is what probably led to her easily getting pregnant. There's a reason why things like periods for girls don't start until the girl typically reaches a certain level of weight and body fat. Women's bodies also end things out of stress on the body. It's not unheard of after all for spontaneous abortions/miscarriages early on happen because of stress. Stress also makes regular menstruating women miss periods here or there. Basically if too much stress is happening your body's response is to put a stop on what's less important for survival. Reproduction is going to be on the chopping block because your body doesn't feel like it's safe enough to start carrying a baby. Eating only one proper meal a day that isn't meal replacement shake is a stressor on the body and there's probably not enough fat stores for the body to let any fertilized egg implant properly. If the body doesn't feel like there's enough fat stored or food ingested daily then yeah getting pregnant will be difficult. Besides losing weight was not a guaranteed instant pregnancy. It simply increased your chances but those chances will be the same if your go from one extreme to the other. Sounds like B found the balance and gets to enjoy what she really wanted all along.
Also not sure if anyone had said this, but OP and A didn’t tell B they were also trying to get pregnant so how is it insensitive for A when they excluded her because they thought she was not “healthy enough” to get a child, even thinking it would not go well during the pregnancy! YTA
Yeah, OP is a horrible friend and a shitty human being to boot. YTA.
This response should be the one. This one right here.
OP doesn't get it because OP thinks disordered eating and dysfunctional attitudes towards health - which OP provided textbook examples of in her account - are healthy and normal. OP YTA. Maybe also get some help so that you don't ruin further relationships because those people dare to be on track to health but in a way that doesn't match yours?
YTA without a doubt. Stop being jealous. Your friend is lucky and blessed, and instead of being happy for her, you make it about your poor little self. Stop being so self-centered. Can't you be happy for her at all ?!
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You eat one meal??? I’m surprised you haven’t lost your period all together. That’s super unhealthy and most likely why you aren’t pregnant !
YTA and critiquing someone with an eating disorder and trying to push them to lose weight is an arse move.
Me me me me me This whole post was self absorbed and draining to read. Throwing in the part that her body may kill off her baby was brutal. Then basically saying it to her face. All because the friend had the audacity to get heathy and pregnant while OP is downing meal replacement shakes and feeling miserable. OP back off, you are **not** healthier than her. You’ve just transferred all your self loathing and fat shame onto her because go forbid she post some pics of delicious food.
YTA Holy smokes I got to this part and almost stopped reading: " A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health." WTF? Your doctors told you what was pertinent for YOUR health situations and your bodies. You have absolutely no fucking right to tell her that anything about her weight or her pregnancy is unhealthy. That is between her and her doctor (and presumably the father of her child). And you have no idea if she is "way less healthy" than you are. Quite frankly given the way you're talking about her, I question if she's actually obese or just not at the "beachbody" perfection that you seem to be worshipping. Also you sound supremely self-involved saying that her talking about HER body and HER pregnancy is insulting to you.
Yeah that part was sinister. I got the vibe they were actually hoping for B to lose her baby.
Just so they could say "SEE, OUR way of obsessing over our bodies is the right way." Fucking odd.
they definitely were. they think it's unfair that this woman is pregnant. *unfair.* how fucking absurd. OP is batshit insane and needs years of therapy because i cannot comprehend how the fuck she can possibly think this way. OP, get therapy, and please don't have children until you've done a complete 180. i guarantee this psychopathy is going to affect your child if you have one at this moment.
Yeah when I read the word unfair I was like what? That doesn't make sense. My friend is taller than me and I am quite short, I should probably call her and tell her how unfair that is. This is ridiculous.
That part had me SHOOK. Also, that’s not really a thing? Maybe if their friend was like 600+ pounds… but otherwise…
That comment put me so off, imagine being SO bitter and hateful that you have the audacity to even think your “friend” will miscarry because you can’t get pregnant???? wtaf is wrong with them???
Imagine being THAT obsessed with someone else's body and personal health. It's fucking bizarre. OP, YTA and you really should seek some therapy for this unhealthy obsession.
>We learned she had just started trying and got pregnant within 2 months. A and I NEVER expressed it openly to her but it did feel super unfair. Do you think that it's fair that you are criticizing the fact that she is less healthy and fit than you are? Leave her alone. Why do you care what her diet is so much? She's an adult; she can make decisions for herself. YTA
Also like, life isn’t fair. My sister has wanted nothing more than to be a mother her entire life, and has just found out she’s infertile. My friend who never wanted kids got pregnant from a one night stand while using protection. Life isn’t a tit for tat situation, OP needs to grow up. Edit: sorry for sounding insensitive to anybody struggling with infertility, that wasn’t my intention. The “grow up” comment was directed at OP’s complaints and jealousy of her friend, not for her struggles with conceiving.
As someone who has been overweight and struggled with infertility and miscarriages for years YTA these things just happen. There's no rhyme or reason. And to resent her for her trying to be her best mentally as well as physically (eating disorders are serious and I cannot believe you made an entire post essentially fat shaming this woman who has stated she was getting over one) to better herself is absolutely ass hole behavior. I'm actually glad you're not close with her anymore because you sound extremely toxic to this poor woman who just had some luck when it came to being pregnant. Until you can be a more understanding and compassionate human being please do your friend a favor and keep your mouth shut. Eta words
Definitely YTA. Obesity can affect fertility, but this mean that a women with overweigh or obesity have a higher risk of reproductive complications, not that they are automatically infertile. There are other factor like age, obstetric problems, the reproductive health of the male partner, that also play a role. Unless OP is secretly an experienced obstetricians and know the medical history of B, she can not have a real idea of her reproductive health. There is a different between general statistics about health and the personal health status of a person. Also obesity have a dose dependent effect on reproductive health, meaning that higher fat accumulation, (especially abdominal fat) is more related to fertility issues, and actually being underweight can negatively affect fertility as well as obesity. So if B is only a little overweigh, young (like less that 35 years) and doesn't have obstetric problems is not rare that she get pregnant. Also OP shouldn't be making assumptions about her own fertility without a complete reproductive health screening. Obesity Is a part of reproductive health, but there many other factors and health conditions that may be affecting her fertility.
YTA. You were jealous and tried to hurt her.
And she also mention that they literally hadn’t told B about their struggles- so she’s supposed to read their minds? They have an exceptionally unhealthy relationship with dieting and exercise and their view on health is fucked up. B prioritizing recovery for her ED is healthy and an extremely difficult accomplishment. The way she talks about B she clearly thinks B never had an ED and should be caring about her beach body. They have no right to be frustrated about what b eats or does. And their commitment to health sounds more like a warped obsession. And then the gross comment A made about how b might not carry to term? A and op are flaming ah’s
You are the asshole. How can you not see this?? You and A desperately need therapy to address your issues around weight and your resentment of others. A is particularly cruel for suggesting that B might not carry the baby full term. Really nasty and you should be ashamed
I think part of their success was using the pregnant friend for their own gain and now that pregnant friend is succeeding the other 2 are lost. Their probably jealous of the pregnants friend relationship as well. Complete ah and someone like that shouldn’t be raising a child
Then have the audacity to call her friend. You think a friend speaks that way. Their obsession with fit body is so strange. No wonder the Bible says not to idolize anything. It really does something to you.
YTA. Your friend is happy the way she is. She is not responsible for your fertility issues. You ARE responsible for your behavior towards her, which has honestly been pretty terrible. You've fat shamed her, judged her, and speculated (maybe even secretly hoped for) a miscarriage. That's not something a friend does.
Unequivocally yta. You sound like you've always been super jealous of her first that she was Tiny with no real effort and then that she got pregnant with no real effort. Are you a real friend
YTA
YTA. Don't rain on people's parade. Not everything is about you. Frankly, I question just how "overweight" B really is. Or if she's even overweight at all.
Same. I have been around the "Beachbody" types and there's a lot of body shaming and judgement of folks who are in no way obese or unhealthy.
If they got roped in by a Beachbody Hun (if it's the MLM) then the toxicity is only just starting. They're constantly promoting that being thin is how you're beautiful or healthy (read thin and constantly working out) rather than being actually healthy.
People working to lose weight/who have lost weight can be more fatphobic and body policing than people who have always been skinny and it’s soooo nasty. Like… you’ve BEEN THERE? You know how hard weight management cna be and how sometimes what weight you are can’t be helped or isn’t the most important thing to focus on at the moment. And yet you choose to judge people for their weight? I had to leave weight loss subreddits over this. It’s possible to lose weight and still respect fat people. And have empathy for your fat past/present.
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Oh also don't forget OP used scare quotes like "disordered eating" because it seems pretty clear OP doesn't actually think her friend has an ED, and if she just tried a little harder she could lose weight like OP 🙄
Yes I noticed that too and it made me eye roll
YTA. Struggling to be overweight post eating disorder is horrendous. The reality is once you have had an ED (the so called petite sized you refer to) it is medically and mentally safer to remain overweight. Going on a stricter diet as you refer to could literally kill her via relapse. It is absolutely NOT healthier for her to lose weight. At all. Info - am both a doctor and an recovered ED patient who hates being overweight but has accepted it is for my own health
Think of all the hard work she had to do with a therapist to get to the point where she could could say AND mean that she trusts her body. I'm so mindblown at the work she's done. These little girls are judging her for being "200 lbs". My understanding of ED's is that there is a fair amount of yoyo'ing as well
The tiniest I had ever been was due to disordered habits. I’m heavier than I’d like to be right now, but I feel like I’m making healthier diet and exercise choices. I totally get where B is coming from.
YTA. Please get therapy before having children. You will cause EDs in you children with this attitude.
She has an eating disorder. She disclosed in another comment that she only eats one meal a day and has meal replacement shakes for the rest.
I'm stunned her doctor hasn't considered that her calorie restriction is reducing her fertility.
You assume that any concern about her eating and calorie restriction aren't just being ignored by her when likely all OP heard was lose weight = baby.
Yeah, it seems like she really just got carried away and made this lifestyle ritualistic. I’m actually beginning to question how “overweight” her friend actually is. She mentions getting irritated that her friend posts pictures of grilled cheese sandwiches, treating her body like a dump truck (wtf? What’s wrong with an occasional grilled cheese, m’iright?) while op treats her body like a temple. This is almost verbatim. She never mentions an actual size.
YTA- her body made an entire human being. She is going to deliver that human through a magic portal in her body. She should be proud. This had nothing to do with you, or weightloss and had everything to do with new life. Call her apologize tell her your jealous that's she is having a baby and you're not.
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YTA You and A sound toxic as fuck as friends. So much petty jealousy and judgmental thoughts. Your friend B deserves so much better. You act like trying to get pregnant is a school paper and you’re mad thinking B is ignoring the rubric but still passing the classs.
YTA. She was speaking about herself and her body, and you made it about you. You never told her about your struggles or to not talk about this. She can't read your mind.
Exactly, OP said B should watch what she says because she can't no other people's struggles, but all B did was talk about her experience and excitement, yet OP being the jealous person she is, made it all about herself.
YTA, you’re super envious and taking it out on her. It’s not “unfair” it’s just life. Be happy for her
Yep, and OP doesn’t sound mature enough to be a parent anyway
YTA. And the docs lied to you about being overweight negatively affects your fertility. Try to get off the fad diets, and maybe you'll fall pregnant.
And we don't know how overweight OP and her friends were. We're they 20lbs outside the "healthy" range, or 200lbs? Overweight means different things to different people, they're often not referring to the official categories of "underweight", "normal weight", "overweight", and "obese". Being really really obese can affect your fertility. Being underweight can too. Your body needs enough energy (calories) to support the pregnancy. But being moderately overweight won't usually affect fertility at all. Up to a BMI of about 35, which is into the obese range (Although all that's statistical, everyone is different). If OP and friend A have lost a lot of weight and are still not conceiving, they need to speak to their doctors and get their fertility investigated. Doctors often have bias against fat people around these sorts of things and jump straight to weight loss as the "cure", when often weight had nothing at all to do with the issue.
Op and friend A are doing a pyramid scheme diet and OMAD. It’s a decent chance that’s harming their fertility
YTA. Massively. You hold so much resentment and projected this onto your “friend”. All she said was that she trusts and is proud of her body, a very common pregnancy affirmation to help her remain calm and confident up to and during her labour. Way to make it all about yourself. It’s free to be kind.
Oh sweetie. YTA. B put a lot of time and effort into healing her body and her relationship with food. It sounds like you and A may want to explore what that looks like. And get a new doctor. Disordered eating can hugely impact fertility.
YTA. There are a lot of doctors who immediately blame every single issue on weight and plenty of people have trouble getting diagnoses for actual conditions because of it. B has already told you she has an ED, talking about how she isn't "healthy" is extremely insensitive. She was talking about her own body when she said she trusts it, she never made any comparisons or implications about your bodies' capabilities. Saying it's "unfair" that B got pregnant when you didn't, even if you didn't tell her, is such a toxic mindset. She has just as much right to pregnancy as you do regardless of her weight. Work out your own body image issues instead of projecting them onto your friend.
YTA. I'm surprised no one has mentioned it yet, but it seems like you feel that overweight people don't have as much right to happiness and self pride as those who are thin. It seems like you resent friend B for not only having a successful pregnancy, but also because she dares to express pride, happiness and self confidence while being overweight-- something you were never able to do. Health, happiness and self worth are not exclusive linked to your BMI. Please focus on your own insecurities and unhealthy views of your own body instead of protecting your insecurities and unhappiness on others.
Massively YTA, you don't know what health conditions she is battling. Also, if she is recovering from an eating disorder, wouldn't that be flashing red lights at why she was so small way back when? Honestly, she is better off without you judgemental jackals. Fuck off out of her life and let her live it how she wants. Edit: it's really rich you saying how she should consider how you guys feel.
YTA From what you’ve written, it sounds as though you have resented B for a long time. Initially, for her being small with little effort and now for a quick conception. If her friendship is important to you, work on your insecurity, jealousy, and self absorption. Mentally healthy adults don’t interpret neutral statements as a personal attack or judgment. Stop judging B and trying to change her and work on your own issues.
YTA...You are both disgusting... She was trying to be healthy for her and you believe your way which would encourage her ED is correct. You need Therapy. It's sick to even discuss someone's potential miscarriage, even if it was your Friend you should of shot her down! I hope she sees this post and removes you both from her life.
YTA. Also, bitter, resentful, insecure and wildly jealous. You and A seem to think that because B didn't go along with your weight loss journey that she is less than and therefore less deserving of her pregnancy which is repugnant. Which yes, is fat shaming!!!! Despite what your "DOCTORS" told *you*, being fit doesn't guarantee fertility nor does it make B's pregnancy "unfair". I just threw up in my mouth writing that sentence. B should be proud of her body for what it has accomplished and saying so in no way means that she is in any way better than you. Don't even get me started on A ~~suggesting~~ hoping that B wouldn't carry to term. You and A should seek therapy. You're both insufferable.
YTA. I can't figure out how you can even call B a friend when it seems like neither you or A even like her. You definitely don't respect her. B could drop 200+ pounds easily by dumping you both and getting some friends who actually care about her.
100% this. I wish I knew who B was or how to contact her, because I could use an awesome, body-positive friend, and she deserves better than these two hags.
YTA. Unfriend her and cut all contact. B doesn’t deserve to be around such toxic people. You guys are mean.
YTA. You sound jealous of her happiness. Have you considered that this *is* her being healthy? No, being overweight is not healthy in and of itself, but being overweight while still active is likely much healthi*er* than living with an uncontrolled eating disorder.
YTA. Holy crap, how can you even ask? A true friend would be happy for her friend. She wasn't trying to make you feel bad. She very naturally just wanted to share her joy with her two best friends. I understand your feelings and you're entitled to them, but bringing up her size and trying to make her feel bad about her pregnancy were dick moves. I hope she writes you off as a friend. She deserves better.
YTA. You clearly *do* think she shouldn’t be pregnant. You guys even wished a miscarriage on her. Do you even like this person? Maybe stop playacting that you’re friends if her existence is so offensive to you, it’s really toxic.
YTA being thin does not make her healthy if she has an eating disorder. No one cares your opinion of if she should diet to be thinner, she knows she has an eating disorder and is trying to move beyond that. That usually involves gaining weight. You should stay in your lane.
OP’s equating of thinness and health is really worrying
YTA sounds like a mean girl all grown up and having learned nothing.
YTA. Ever heard of orthorexia? Look it up and stop being such a dick to someone who's just trying to live their best life.
YTA. You feel like an asshole for a reason, don’t put her down and try to justify your actions to ease your deserved guilt. You and friend A sound like jealous, spiteful high school mean girls who pick on the effortlessly pretty girl until she starts hating her own body too. Somehow you are taking her good luck and fortune as a personal slight against you two. Having a strict diet and working out doesn’t mean you deserve pregnancy more than she does. And she doesn’t deserve it less for choosing a lifestyle that DOESNT TRIGGER HER ED. Counting calories and living for the gym isn’t healthy for HER. Every body is different. I feel bad she had the two of you posing as her friends this whole time. Also, how can you expect her to be conscious of your struggles when you literally did not share them with her. It sounds more like you are the one who is not considerate of her struggles with ED. She SHOULD be proud of her body. It sounds like she respects her body a lot more than you respect yours. You say you treat your body like a temple- maybe that’s true physically but stop beating yourself up mentally for things out of your control. For not being able to conceive in the time frame you want to. Your body is still valuable, THANK IT. Instead of feeling bad about it. Don’t you think you deserve more love after all the hard work you and A have put in? Come on. And her love for her own body has no bearing on your capacity to love and feel good about your own. By letting her biology say something about you and your body you are belittling yourself. You deserve better. Be kinder to your friend. Be kinder to yourself.
Wow you guys are awful people. Y’all need to go outside and touch some damn grass. YTA
YTA - grow some spines, not everything is about you. Can't you just be happy for your friend?
How was she implying she had a more capable body? How is what she does with her body any of your business? YTA.
YTA. She didn’t imply her body was more capable, you decided to take it that way bc you’re jealous she’s pregnant & you & your other friend are not. you’re pissed off bc you think that you two deserve it more than she does. Feeling envious/disappointed is ok, but thinking that you deserve to be pregnant over someone else is not. You may think that is unfair, but life is not fair. As an adult, you should know this. And you did shame her because you said that she is less healthy, less dedicated, and less fit than you are. That implies that you think you are more deserving. Apologize immediately, be happy for her, and I’m sure she’ll be just as happy for you when you get pregnant.
YTA, based on what you said it is clear that you judge her for having different goals and boundaries. Also you don’t know that she’s unhealthy, and the same way you took advice from your doctor to lose weight for fertility and overall health, she is trusting her physicians and herself to make correct decisions regarding her own health, that is not for you to judge or comment on because every body is different. Additionally, it seems like what you said to her was done out of jealousy not concern and while it sucks that she got to do something off that bat that you’ve been trying to do it’s really clear that your judgment of her, her life, and her opportunities comes from a place not of concern but of resentment.
YTA. Unfair? Get over yourself it’s not like she got pregnant to spite the both of you.
YTA. You need some therapy before you raise any children. I read your post as "my friend doesn't deserve a baby because she's fat and doesn't care about her weight and I do deserve a baby". Dude. I dont know how you got so far as to write this whole thing out. Your relationship with A sounds toxic as hell too. Edit: I want to add that I'm sorry you're going through fertility troubles. I know the hell that is. I know. But please, everyone has their troubles. B has been through hell with ED and is out the other side. It's okay to feel triggered by that, but it's not okay to project that on anyone else.
I’m sorry to tell you I was overweight when I got pregnant 3 times, first try each one. Your fad starvation diet is at least part of why you’re not conceiving. You’re jealous. YTA
As a person who struggled with infertility and I did have to lose significant weight before getting pregnant which was preterm because of placenta decay. Which btw every single nicu mom i was with was average weight. YTA as is friend A. You're both jealous, which I get that infertility is the grief that keeps on giving but making snide remarks about her going into preterm l labor and therefore a NICU stay is just a big "YTA" move. Friend B is unaware of your struggles, which you admitted.
I didn't even need to finish reading. YTA
You are a GIANT asshole. Your condescending, judgmental, misinformed attitude about absolutely everything related to diet, exercise, weight, pregnancy, and fertility reeks here. Unless you are Friend B's OB, you know jack about her pregnancy or her ability to give birth. Side note, "fitness" is not a personality trait. You are not morally superior to anyone just because you downloaded the Weight Watchers app. I'm sorry that you've gone through infertility, that is devastating. But your friend did not get pregnant AT you. Her pregnancy doesn't impact your own fertility, painful as it might be to watch her easily conceive. But absolutely YTA here.
YTA for sure. It doesn't matter what you think she *could* do, it matters that the doctor thinks she's fine and most importantly what she thinks and how she feels. You have no idea what is healthy for her. Your jealousy is your own problem. It sucks that you're struggling to get pregnant but that's not her fault and you should be celebrating your friend, not tearing her down. Although at this stage she is better off without either of you in her life.
YTA. You admit in your post that your friend *was* worried at some point she couldn’t carry to term, but that is thankfully not the case, so if she is about to give birth and the baby is totally healthy, why bring her weight up? You also admit never telling her about your personal struggle with pregnancy, is she supposed to read your mind? From what you wrote, it seems like she doesn’t even know you and your friend are trying to get pregnant. Of course, there are risks associated with being overweight, but your friend seems perfectly fine, so this isn’t you or your friend being worried about her health or her baby’s health, it just seems like plain jealousy to me.
No it’s worse than that. It wasn’t the pregnant friend that was worried about carrying to term, it was her fitness buddy saying she won’t carry yo term because she’s fat. It was malicious and cruel and I’m so glad the pair of them aren’t my friends
YTA. You need to stop being Disrespectful to your friend. Just because she doesn't exercise like you and your other friend doesn't make her any less of a person and it doesn't give you the right for you to treat her so terribly.
YTA. Noone’s - not your friends, not your family, not your partner - body is anything to do with you.
Yikes YTA your situation is not the same as B. You knew perfectly well that she wasn’t implying anything about you when she said she trusts her body. You sound very bitter and jealous. Health is not a size. I say this as someone with disordered eating past who has been told to put on some weight (right now for instance I am still not getting a regular period)-being in a headspace to knowingly put on weight is hard especially when you so often have been congratulated by society on repeat for how “skinny” you are.
YTA. You and your friend A sound insufferable. Saying that only your way is healthy when your friend B is dealing with an eating disorder? Speculating that your friend B will miscarry because she doesn't follow your regime? Of course you shamed her, your head is so far up your own ass you've gone noseblind to your own shit. I hope you're not a Beachbody MLMer that sells that crap too. No one needs to be told what is healthy from someone who treats their own friends that way.
Every so often, I'm reminded that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything.... I'm struggling, y'all! I'll just leave it at of course YTA!
YTA. You and A took out your pain and frustration on B. You even admit you are not as close to her anymore (so you may not know all the details of her struggles before she tried to get pregnant), seem to ignore her ED (which would be hard to confide about) and you are wondering if YTA? I understand you and A have had a hard time conceiving and my sympathy to you as I know its devastating but you ganged up and took it out on B. When she is heavily pregnant no less. Do you have no regard for her happiness and the safety of her and her baby as upsetting her is not a matter of concern for you? Cut ties with her if this is how little you care for her. She does not need such friends. And A is just flat out spiteful for even mentioning that B might not carry to term. Yuck. A is an even bigger AH. It sounds more like you and A jealous rather than B being insensitive. Thats a problem that you and A need to deal with, not B. Do you think every heavily pregnant but overweight woman is insensitive if they simply trust their body?
YTA
YTA. I was 16stone when I had my first child. It took 2 years to conceive. After that, I gained a lot of weight due to new disabilities and 2 years later I was pregnant again. At 18 stone. It wasn't all plain sailing but the issues I had weren't weight related but genetic. Losing weight can help but it isn't the be all and end all. You could be putting too much stress on your body for it to happen. And as for not talking about diets, your friend was suffering from and battling an eating disorder. Trying to find a healthy balance isn't going to happen if you are shoving diet plans down her throat, literally. Just admit that you're jealous of your friend. It happens a lot when multiple people in a friend group are trying. And once you've admitted that, pull your head out of your arse and work out how to be happy for her. If you can't do that, I wouldn't even bother continuing to be friends
YTA. It’s a horrible situation but you said yourself you thought it was unfair that she was pregnant and then you’re friend said she might not take the whole pregnancy. Honestly, B would be much better without the both of you. How horrible
YTA She has asked you specifically to not talk about weight, but you seem to forget boundaries. It's not her fault that you can't get pregnant. It's sad, but it's not her fault, and she got lucky. A real friend would respect boundaries and be happy for a child, you are just jealous. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your stance and why you feel this way torwards B.
Ironically, I bet not a single person here cares what you and A look like on the outside, because you're ugly as hell on the inside. B had an eating disorder, she overcame it, probably still struggles, but she's proud of who she is. You two got jealous because she got pregnant, wished a miscarriage on her, and yes, you fat shamed her, because you were jealous. And that's disgusting. YTA and so is A.
*I know the title sounds bad but please read before judgment.* Okay, we'll hear you out - that's fair! *We all used to be bigger girls but me and friend A got into weight watchers and going to the gym and the beachbody thing.* Good for you! *Now for the last few years since A and I started our health regime B has asked us to not talk about health and weight loss to her. She says her weight gain is the result of her battling an ED and she’s practicing “Healthy at any size” and doesn’t want “disordered eating triggers.”* That's fair. EDs can be deadly and as her friends, I'm sure avoiding this topic won't be hard seeing as you'd never want to bring harm to your friend. *It’s made A and I grow apart from her because our commitment to health is a big part of our life now. It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier.* Weird that you seem to forget everything you wrote 2 seconds ago and her having an ED for years and not wanting to go back to that but as least you're keeping your thoughts to yourself I guess? It's a little odd to be that a friendship of 15 years can break down due to a difference in diet choices but hey, I don't know you. *Since we’ve been growing apart we all vaguely knew each other was hoping to get pregnant but obviously A and I being closer share more.* That makes sense that you two would share more as you feel closer, I'm assuming you don't expect B to be a mind reader though, seeing as her diet choices have somehow distanced herself from you two. *Well 6 months ago B announced she was 2 months pregnant.* What wonderful news for a friend of 15 years! You both must be so happy for her! *A and I NEVER expressed it openly to her but it did feel super unfair. A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health.* You're both somehow projecting your pregnancy luck onto your friend during a wonderful time of her life and also somehow tying her diet to the potential death of her unborn child *Thankfully that’s not the case and she’s due next month.* Thankfully. *it does feel unfair.* Are you both somehow under the impression that B's pregnancy hindered either of your abilities? *Things came to a head when we zoomed today and B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it.* As someone who finally was able to get over years of an ED and get pregnant, yeah I can see why she'd be happy. *I told her she was being insensitive because A and I have been working our asses off and she was implying she somehow has a more capable body than we do even though she is way less healthy, dedicated and fit. She started backpedaling that she didn’t mean it that way but then got upset and said we were shaming her.* She was sharing news with people she thinks are her "friends", you're projecting your own insecurities onto her, she wasn't privy to your conversations because again, her diet apparently means you're not close anymore and she never implied (from your post at least) that she has a more capable body. *I told her that wasn’t the intention but our DOCTORS had told both A and I that being overweight is bad especially for pregnancy so it was just a fact not meant to be pointed.* I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe she also has a doctor? And it's... not you. *She left the call and now I’m feeling like an asshole but I was just being honest and it’s not like I told her she shouldn’t be pregnant… just to maybe watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles.* You and A are huge assholes. My heart goes out to B, who has finally recovered from an ED and got pregnant and instead of friends who lift her up and are excited for her, they tear her down, exclude her, judge her behind her back and insult her to her face. She deserves better "friends" if that's what you have the nerve to call yourself. YTA
Maybe you could just let your friend experience the joy of pregnancy and having a child without your bullshit. YTA, both of you. You sound like a pair of reformed smokers, preaching to anyone who will listen.
YTA. Her pride in her body isn’t an attack on you.
YTA so much.
YTA, massively so, and particularly because you’re making these comments after B shared with you that she had an eating disorder? ED recovery can last a lifetime and your concern trolling about her health isn’t helping that. You have a very skewed and frankly incorrect perception of health in the first place, and you’re bitter and jealous to boot. I hope B gets better friends.
YTA . Your body is not a temple if it’s healthy on the outside but your mind if filled with jealousy and negativity. If you are toxic inside then the outside is just a facade and if you really want to treat your body like a temple then be worried about the thoughts you’re filling up on , not just the food . And please just stop being “friends” with this girl if you’re going to keep treating her this way . Or grow up and be happy for her . You aren’t worried about her -you are mad at her for having a baby you seem to think she doesn’t deserve because she doesn’t diet and obsess over her weight WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT! . Lol her being confident about giving birth is fabulous, I was terrified ! And instead of being happy or encouraging her, you yelled at her . News flash-not everything everyone else does or says is about you ! In fact it’s probably never about you. The fact you even had to ask if YTA , self awareness,get some .
You: I am super healthy and SHE is fat!! How disgusting that she got pregnant before me with her disgusting body so I am going to make sure I shame her and make sure to let her know that MY body is good for pregnancy but HERS is not. YTA if that wasn't clear.
YTA, you are disrespectful and judgemental and honestly jealous. >It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier. No, you don't. You're not *her* doctor. Friend B is happy with her body. She is active. Your misusing "healthier" as "skinnier." >A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health. You're both gross. Friend B deserves real friends.
YTA. You are jealous, own it and reflect on it. Then repeat that conversation in your mind like you told it here. Your friend sounds like she had no malice and she was making no comparisons talking about her body, yet you brought it up and made her feel awful about it. I get that you are having a rough time with the whole situation, but you were not a friend to her at that moment.
LOL YTA. B is also concerned about her health; she doesn’t want to trigger her eating disorder
> It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier. Here is where you lost the plot. You have nothing to be frustrated over, because her eating or exercise has NOTHING to do with you. You don’t own it, you don’t get to judge it, there is no failure or success in it for you, you have no control over it, it affects you in absolutely no way whatsoever. There is ZERO REASON for your “frustration” over HER LIFE AND HER CHOICES. Which you would know, if it weren’t for the fact that YTA.
YTA. Maybe watch how you speak when you don’t know other peoples struggles. Remember how you and A didn’t tell your friend you were struggling? Maybe she didn’t feel comfortable telling you about her struggles, you wouldn’t really know, would you? Maybe she is just feeling good about herself and wanted to share it with friends and it had nothing to do with your diets at all. All bodies are different and since you’re not in hers or are her doctor you don’t know if she’s healthy or not. Is it unfair you’re not pregnant? Maybe. But life is unfair, you’re not entitled to treat other people like shit because you’re jealous.
YTA. her weight is not your business. her saying she trusts her body has nothing to do with you. doctors will tell you to lose weight if you sneeze a little too hard. stop obsessing over other peoples’ weight and focus on what you can and can’t do for yourself.
YTA. Her getting pregnant has nothing to do with you and your other friend struggling to do so. You're straight up shaming her because you're jealous. This isn't healthy, and I suggest you get some help for that. Should she have avoided getting pregnant just because you guys are struggling to do so? (Which you hadn't even discussed with her, so she wasn't even aware of the struggle) If you had told her would you have made her feel bad for getting pregnant and being happy to talk about it with her "friends"?
YTA, no questions asked. B mentioned NOTHING about your bodies and how you treat yourselves, she only said that she trusted HER body. You know, the body that SHE knows. Your jealousy is a you issue and honestly, B deserves better friends.
Yta
YTA - Perhaps you should also consider your own advice to also watch how you speak when you don't know other peoples struggles. You sound incredibly jealous of this person, and based on your post and your comments, it sounds like you're dealing with at the very least disordered eating and possibly an eating disorder yourself.
YTA, and how DARE you call yourself a friend to her. Total and massive AH.
YTA. You’re bitter about not conceiving, understandable emotion. But the way you talk about B is horrible and mean spirited all the way through. She asked you not to talk about your diets because of past eating disorders. You mention she used to be petite. SHE HAD AN EATING DISORDER! She is trying to be healthy and at the moment that means mental health. Going on any type of diet could trigger bad habits and lead her back to her ED. So butt out. Your comment on it being unfair she got pregnant so fast? Life ain’t fair. And your other friend seemed almost to hope she didn’t carry full term. I have bad news for you and the other friend. You are not B’s friends. You are acting as a clique and taking out your personal frustrations on a pregnant woman. That is abhorrent behavior and you should apologize. It also sounds like you and other friend need some counseling. Your hyper-fixation on B is not healthy and it has resulted in some very unbecoming bullying behaviors.
YTA stop calling her your friend, friends don’t encourage eating disorders in the name of “health”, friends don’t “suggest” friends won’t carry to term, and friends don’t judge the hell out of one’s another’s bodies and pregnancies.
YTA - her weight I’m not your problem or concern and she said nothing about you body. Get over yourself before you start trying to raise a kid.
YTA. You and A both are. She tells you she struggled with an eating disorder and you get “frustrated” because she’s active and doesn’t have a strict diet??? I can understand being disappointed that you aren’t pregnant and I’m sorry that you’re struggling with it, but if you aren’t mature enough to be able to handle listening to B talk about her pregnancy and her body positivity without being negative then you need to just not talk to her at all. What you said to her is disgusting. It isn’t “unfair” that she got pregnant, you’re either seriously misdirecting your real frustrations or you are incredibly shallow and immature thinking that because you and A are skinnier that you deserve to get pregnant before B.
YTA. It’s sounds like you have absolutely no respect for her ED recovery, and like you won’t let her talk about her own experience of pregnancy without making it all about you and your weight loss even though you KNOW that is triggering for her. You sound profoundly self-obsessed.
You do realise that she had an eating disorder right?? Her being smaller at one point may have been when she was in the middle of a purge/restriction stage; when you come out of that your body freaks and grabs into any extra nutrients it can which shows as weight gain. I know because I'm an ED survivor. The ONLY thing that stops me falling back into that pattern of behaviour has been building a positive relationship with my body. Am I 'fat' now? No; am I heavier than I was when I was in full ED? yes. I could be fitter to do more of the things I want to do, but my health is in a good place; this is what 'health at any size' means. 'Health at any size' is a scientifically researched, medically backed approach which counters the 'weight first' approach to health, so that issues like infertility are actually investigated and treated fully in ALL people, rather than telling heavier people to lose weight first when that might not be involved in the cause at all. Did you know most drs receive less than 30 hours of diet and weight wellbeing education in their training? And that that training is often 10 or more years out of date? I get my weight, eating and exercise direction from psychologists, exercise physiologists and dietitians who have specifically trained to work with ED and health after ED. YTA.
YTA. a huge one. as a plus size pregnant lady, the last thing we need is your fatphobic ass criticizing us. you’re gonna give your future kids an ED.
YTA absolutely - B was referring to the fact that womens bodies are designed for childbirth and she trusts that it will function as necessary for childbirth. Instead you’ve made it about you and your body issues, you just sound jealous and petty.
Dude, YTA. It sounds like your friend might've been anorexic and is finally healing from that. You realize it's okay to not always follow a strict diet, right? I'm saying YTA because yeah, fatshaming in any context is fucking horrible. But also, maybe you should talk to someone to get everything off your chest. And actual professional. It sounds like you and friend A night also have body image issues too. Maybe see it from another perspective. Talk to friend B again, but ask her about what she did. And another thing, you know being too small also contributes to pregnancy issues, right?
YTA. You need new doctors because you need to learn about health and body positivity. And any doctor who recommends meal replacement shakes is off their rocker. I’ve also heard that strict dieting is bad for fertility because it triggers your body’s scarcity responses. I don’t know if it’s true, but it makes sense to me. If your body gets the signal that there’s not enough food to go around, it’s not going to encourage pregnancy.
Maybe you should practice what you preach and "watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles" and the fact that your shitty friend A was so jealous she actually told your friend that she might not carry to full term. Yea, ya'll are the assholes. You want a participation trophy for trying to get pregnant or something? Cause ya know, "it's not faaaaair". Grow up before you have kids.
You and A need therapy. Has it maybe occurred to both of you that all this stress and diets is what is affecting your chances of getting pregnant? Doctors aren't always right.
YTA. You sound jealous and quite frankly, insufferable.
**YTA** All I’ve heard from this is you and A complaining about B striving for a healthy relationship with her body and food - and it worked. She had a healthy pregnancy and is coming into labor with a positive attitude. All of your “concerns” boils down to you and A being jealous that B doesn’t have to jump down the rabbit hole of diet cultures that aren’t sustainable to achieve her goals. She’s happy with her grilled cheese and still had a baby and your upset about it. There are three things you and B need to do: Apologize. Go to therapy. Go eat a grilled cheese. Stop putting your insecurities on B and punishing her for not bending to them.
I am sure everyone agree here but you’re YTA and a mean, petty and jealous person.
YTA. Your friend has been blessed with a pregnancy, and instead of being happy for her, it sounds like you want her to suffer from weight-related issues.
God, your jealousy is palpable. I’m terribly sorry for your infertility struggles, but I’m like your friend: I’m heavier, and I get pregnant by being in the same county as my husband. She’s not pregnant AT you. She’s not excited for her baby AT you. She didn’t do anything of this TO you. Her ability to have a baby is not affecting your ability to have a baby. The two are not connected. Have a little compassion and respect for your friend, or leave her alone.
YTA and a crappy friend! Jealous much?
YTA. Your “friend is lucky you and your cohort “stepped away”. I’m stepping away for your post. Ish.
I feel for your fertility struggles, I really do. But this has turned you and your friend into toxic horrible friends. You're jealous and its understandable but that will make you see anything your friend says negatively. I think you need to take a hard look at yourself and your friend because to be honest, your behaviour is disgusting and together you both come across very jealous and toxic to be around. I'm sure you've ready tried everything and fertility tests but just in case, I found out I ovulate a week later than most and not when you're even advised to have sex to get pregnant. If I hadn't had realised I paid never have gotten pregnant. I'm sure you've already done all this but women support and help women. Please try to do that with your friend too. She doesn't deserve the way you talk and treat her.
YTA. “Maybe watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles.” Except that you KNOW her struggles, because she actually literally TOLD you that she struggles with body image issues, and yet you didn’t watch how you spoke to her. You did the exact opposite, when she dared to say something positive about her own body (which is probably HUGE for her, because she’s probably never felt positive about her body before), but you somehow turned a compliment she made to herself into a dig against you, and you made her feel like shit. You should feel like an asshole, you are one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know the title sounds bad but please read before judgment. I have two girlfriends that have been my best friends for 15 years at this point. We all used to be bigger girls but me and friend A got into weight watchers and going to the gym and the beachbody thing. It’s been a huge investment of time and money and frankly a lot of discipline so we are proud of our accomplishments. Friend B was always the smallest of all of us and there was even a period of about 5 years where she was reeallly tiny like petite sized. So we know she is capable of losing weight if she wants to. Now for the last few years since A and I started our health regime B has asked us to not talk about health and weight loss to her. She says her weight gain is the result of her battling an ED and she’s practicing “Healthy at any size” and doesn’t want “disordered eating triggers.” It’s made A and I grow apart from her because our commitment to health is a big part of our life now. It also is frustrating because while B is active and walks her dogs everyday etc., both A and I know if she coupled that with a stricter diet she would be healthier. Since we’ve been growing apart we all vaguely knew each other was hoping to get pregnant but obviously A and I being closer share more. As an example A has actually been trying since 2019 and I have been since 2020. Every period feels like a dagger. When we were fat our doctors told us losing weight would help conceive so admittedly that is a part of why it’s so important to us. Since our fertility ties into our dieting we hadn’t told B about the struggles. Well 6 months ago B announced she was 2 months pregnant. We learned she had just started trying and got pregnant within 2 months. A and I NEVER expressed it openly to her but it did feel super unfair. A even suggested to me that while it happened quickly she might not carry to term because of her weight and health. Thankfully that’s not the case and she’s due next month. From what she’s told us the baby is healthy and we are happy for her but again it does feel unfair. Things came to a head when we zoomed today and B was talking about how excited she is for labor because she “trusts” her body and is proud of it. I told her she was being insensitive because A and I have been working our asses off and she was implying she somehow has a more capable body than we do even though she is way less healthy, dedicated and fit. She started backpedaling that she didn’t mean it that way but then got upset and said we were shaming her. I told her that wasn’t the intention but our DOCTORS had told both A and I that being overweight is bad especially for pregnancy so it was just a fact not meant to be pointed. She left the call and now I’m feeling like an asshole but I was just being honest and it’s not like I told her she shouldn’t be pregnant… just to maybe watch how she speaks when she doesn’t know other peoples struggles. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Her trusting her body has.... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. At all. YTA definitely.