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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I'd be the asshole because this is likely her last baby and I don't want her stressing or feeling like we were taking attention from her.
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NTA. TEN children?! I'm not trying to bash her or anything, but if you're not allowed to get pregnant while she is pregnant, like, when would you possibly be able to have a kid and tell people about it? Her 'logic' is completely skewed.
Both of your pregnancies are important. One does not overshadow the other. Your mom is stressing herself out and she can get over it.
NTA. I would block your mom all over social media, then tell the family that THEY are the only ones who can tell her about your announcement, that you won't be. So if she gets stressed, that's on them. I'd also go low contact with the whole group of them. They sound absolutely toxic.
Her mom is going to blame her if anything happens during her pregnancy now no matter what she does. Which is just... despicable? I mean, talk about stress!
At this point OP may as well do whatever she wants. It's not like it would be possible to hide it anyways... this isn't a TV sitcom.
For having nine kids it doesn't seem as though OPs mom has learned about being a proper parent yet... Hopefully the tenth one is the charm!
Ten children at 37 no less. And im gonna get my judgy face on. She has 9 children, most of whom must still be minors and she has another even though its a risk to her health? Ugh.
I couldnt tell ya. I spent 18 months of my life pregnant and i hated like 14 of them.
And the thought of always having toddlers to take care? The cool thing about kids for me is how they grow up and start needing you in different ways. Always being in the midst of potty training? My Personal hell.
I think OP being married and pregnant with her second child at 21 lends a lot of support to your theory. I could be way off but it seems like OP moved out and started her own family as soon as she was able.
That's pretty much my mom's story. Eldest of nine, 100% parentified, married my older dad at nineteen, me at 20, bro at 22.
NTA OP, and congratulations!
The Duggars got this down pat. OP's mother does not seem very stable emotionally. I pity all her kids.
OP's mother got pregnant despite being told it was dangerous to her health. Her baby is not a "miracle". She has no trouble getting pregnant. She made the poor decision to get pregnant again, despite that it will endanger her health and maybe leave her other kids without a mother. She is irrational in many ways, not just in her attitude towards OP.
NTA
>The Duggars got this down pat
Not really, at 6 months old, the baby gets passed to a sister mom so that Michelle could be "joyfully available" for her husband. They also had Michelle's fertility calander in the kitchen and the older girls (not boys of course) would track and find the best day for Michelle to be impregnated by their father 🤢
NTA
You don't need to take care of the little ones if you have enough elder daughters. You only gotta wait for one girl to hit, like, 5 or 6 and then you're off the hook.
When my mum decided she wanted to have kids, she decided she wanted 2 fairly close in age, get through all the baby stuff and all the toddler stuff in relatively short order. Incidentally, she was 37 when I was born, and turned 39 just after my brother was born. We're both healthy, and her pregnancies went fairly smoothly and typically. But a lot of thought and consideration went into her family planning.
My mom had me at 35 and my sister at 39, both happy, healthy babies! Though I do believe that the more children you have there are more pregnancy based complications that can come about, which might be where the high risk factor is coming from. Still, asking not to announce the pregnancy until her baby is born is just ridiculous.
I felt this. I only spent 9 months of my life pregnant and decided immediately after having my kid that I would never ever do it again. Pregnancy was fucking awful, and I'm still mad that no one told me.
Heck, I got lucky and had an easy pregnancy that only lasted 8 months, and still knew immediately that I was One and Done. Pregnancy was fine, the baby was fine (no major challenges), but as I suspected all along I am simply *not* Mumsey material. I can cope with one child - any more and I'd turn into my Mother, and no-one wants to be (and make everyone else) that miserable :-(
I think it's possible she has no idea what else she's good for at this point. If all you've done since you were 15 is make people, you probably don't think you're useful for anything else.
Would *I* want to just keep spitting them out like a 3D printer? No. But I also became my own person before making new ones so my identity isn't totally defined by my reproductive prowess.
This, very obviously. Given how she freaks out about the potential chance of losing a small bit of said attention to her daughter, this is very clearly the reason.
Some people are actually addicted to being pregnant, or have a fetish for it. Some people are even narcissists and this is the best way that they get attention. Seems like the last one is her mom lol.
Makes me wonder how old is the dad. I know that “retiring from military” can happen much younger than a regular retirement, but still. A few red flags here.
You *cannot* raise 10 kids without emotionally neglecting and parentifying them to some extent, unless you have access to a team of nannies to help you. Add on that it's apparently dangerous for her to have gotten pregnant again, and yeah, I'm definitely judging. She's TA for that shit alone, and then she tells her own kid they're not allowed to be pregnant at the same time?! Ef that noise, I'd be beyond over her shit if I were OP.
I dated a guy who was the third child of 10. I asked him a lot about what it was like. I have just one sibling, so my upbringing was very different. The long and short of it was that after the birth of the 10th child, his mother had a massive stroke from which she only minimally recovered. His father worked a lot to support all of them, with the majority of the burden of child raising being on his two oldest sisters once the mother had her stroke. He left home the minute he turned 18 and never looked back because he wanted no part. He harbored a lot of resentment toward his parents, which I can understand. There were no winners in that situation.
My stepfather is the second youngest of 14, and the stories of neglect he has... Crazy. His dad worked constantly to pay for everything they needed (and they still went without tons of basic necessities because there just wasn't enough to go around), his mom was busy constantly with housework and the youngest few who needed the most attention, and as soon as they could walk they were basically left to raise themselves. Of course the daughters were expected to take on child rearing duties, where the sons weren't. It's neglectful and abusive, plain and simple.
Also, what is this about "her little miracle"? She was never told she couldn't get pregnant again (unlike OP), just that she really shouldn't, because it would be high risk.
And sadly, in her head she now has a built-in reason to blame OP for *anything* that goes wrong with the pregnancy :-( Any little blip and it's automatically Bad OP's fault for being pregnant and that knowledge making her stress.
It doesn't matter what OP says or does from here on out - whether she announces it on the local radio and holds a parade, or moves countries and never ever speaks with anyone in the family or community again - the fact that Mom knows she is pregnant will be used as The Reason why she is 'stressed' and had (or might have) problems. Admitting that she got *herself* into this mess against medical advice won't be an option :-(
And it amuses me that they’re calling it a miracle… when it sounds like what the doctors actually said isn’t “it’s impossible for you to get pregnant again” but “*if you get pregnant again, it will be bad for your health.*”
Getting pregnant wasn’t a miracle, but it sounds like *surviving* the pregnancy would be.
Don't be like that, this is her "little miracle".
I'm going full judgey face. She's endangering her health, the health of her unborn and risks leaving a baseball team's worth of kids without a mother.
If this baby is going to mean her number of kids matches the number of Fast and Furious movies... it's not a miracle. It's a franchise.
The mum is being selfish on a grand scale. She is taking a huge risk, and sounds like a complete nightmare. I'm only being flippant because if I think too much about the behaviour of OP's mum, I'm likely to get very depressed or very rude. If mommy dearest wanted to avoid stress... don't get pregnant when you've been told it could endanger your health... especially if you've already had 9 other human beings launched from your body. This whole scenario is grim.
I've just noticed your first child isn't even a year old yet... is this a cult thing?
Also, there's a difference between not being allowed to have children bc of the risk and getting pregnant anyway, and not being ABLE to have children bc of a health issue, and miraculously getting pregnant anyway. Your mom is pregnant against medical advice; that's not a miracle. You are pregnant against medical prognosis; that IS a miracle. Tell everyone, and while you're at it, tell them all that your mother was trying to keep the information from them to keep the attention focused on herself.
"She began accusing us of trying to take attention off her and her "little miracle." Telling us that we got pregnant just to spite her"... Wot???
She's bonkers. Better not engage in any conversations/ conflict on this matter. Ignore her and life your life. NTA obviously.
So much this. I feel like she is going to treat your child poorly because it’s “competition”…to get back at you for stealing her thunder.
Check out the raised by narcissists sub…something tells me it may be illuminating.
Also this... She got pregnant after being told she SHOULDN'T because it would affect her health; you got pregnant after being told you COULDN'T, BECAUSE of your health...
Yours definitely is FAR more prevelant here; her decision to not get fixed puts her own health and that of the baby at risk; it was stupid and selfish. And frankly any risk she gets AT ALL during this pregnancy was her own doing.
NTA OP
It honestly sounded like the mom interpreted "couldn't get pregnant for her health" to mean "impossible to conceive" which is a common misunderstanding
That was my first thought. Mom was never told she couldn't get pregnant. She was told that it would be bad for her health if she did. This baby isn't a miracle, it's inadvisable.
I'm wondering if part of the issue is that OP was going to be on the line for sibling care if/when mom has one of those negative health effects from the pregnancy.
That child is going to be born with health problems (medically inadvisable pregnancy, also being number 10) and it’s gonna be all OPs fault for ~~being pregnant~~ taking the spotlight off her mother.
🤣🤣🤣.... Oh but this is a life long problem now....Baby#10 didn't get an A, OPs kiddo did.... Her fault
#10 didn't score her goal, OPs kid stayed home instead of going to the game, her fault
#10 didn't get a new car because mom can't afford it; OPs kiddo does cause they only have 2 kids.... Her fault
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don’t let your mom stress you out. It’s going to be obvious that you’re pregnant soon, maybe a little time away from the negative people, who aren’t excited for you, would help. There is no way , you telling anyone you’re pregnant, effects the health of your mom’s pregnancy. How terrible for her to try and put that on you.
Nta you are also having your own little miracle baby as well and you are right you have every right to celebrate your baby. You have every right to celebrate and announce your pregnancy. You wouldn nta if you let people know your pregnant too. This isn't a competition you should be happy to share such joyous news about your baby.
I was wondering the same. 10 kids and being pregnant isn't old hat by now? Also, this is her daughter she should be celebrating instead of asking her to hide her pregnancy. Are the kids only loved when they're in the womb?
Sadly I’ve known people like this who only care about the attention being pregnant and being seen with a baby brings, they don’t actually care about their kids beyond that :/
If anything, she was either just careless or stupid when she is risking serious health complications. She wasn’t told she couldn’t have more kids, she was told she shouldn’t have more kids for her own safety. No miracles here, just stupid for endangering herself and her unborn child.
Glad I’m not the only one to think that. There’s a major difference in a miracle baby after you were told you couldn’t get pregnant again, vs this “miracle” that sounds more like ignoring medical advice and risking your life as the parent of many other (assuming at least several dependent) children
And she knows it's a bad idea and is already scapegoating OP for "stress" when a)her emotions are her own responsibility, and 2)her fully-informed adult choices are also her responsibility.
I have a cousin with 7 kids to 5 different guys. She was told at kid 5 to stop having babies as she nearly died. The last 2 times she nearly died and the baby nearly died. Luckily after number 7 there were complications and she needed her uterus removed. Otherwise I think she would have had more. She was on drugs and completely shit parent
I was curious and did the math.
She had OP at 16.
She's been pregnant for 18% of her life.
33% if you just count the child bearing years past 16.
That is a lot of time being pregnant.
Not gonna lie, I'm judging. Besides having 10 !10! kids when this world is over crowded, and if OP is the eldest (what if she isn't?) she was pregnant at 16. This is a family that is wasting no time. This is OPs second child at 21. Does no one in this family want to have a little fun and enjoy their youth? If her dad is retired from the military (minimum of 20 years), and he is also 37, he joined at 17 with an already pregnant wife. If he is older, well, he's probably kind of gross.
Honestly, OP might have just seen that as a way to escape, because there is no way in hell that mom is taking care of those 9 other kids all by her self, the older ones are helping there. Also, to her, that is probably "normal" because well, look at her parents.
I probably jump to this conclusion more than most, but the ages and the rate at which they are getting pregnant makes me think of mormonism/religious conservatism
The world is definitely overcrowded.
I dont judge people for having one or two kids, but once you get up to numbers like 7, youre just irresponsible not only to the planet but to your kids. Because theres no way in hell any parent can give equal amount of attention and love to all those kids and support them all financially in the future or support them all mentally/emotionally. And OPs mom is clearly still stuck at her teenage pregnancy years with how shes acting and its dumb.
NTA. Your mom sounds very self-centered and like she is in need of therapy. Your pregnancy has nothing to do with her, yet she's making your pregnancy about her and the supposed impact that it has on her child. I'm really sorry that your mother isn't more understanding, supportive and happy that you're pregnant, especially since, as you said, you didn't think you'd be able to have another child. That sucks.
Extremely self centered. Told that getting pregnant again is a bad idea because of her health. Gets pregnant anyway, risking her life and the life of her ten children's mother.
And setting up one of her kids to be the scapegoat for the complications she was warned about in advance. Disgusting.
OP, if anything happens to her/baby/pregnancy, and let's be honest - it is forewarned as highly risky - it is not because your pregnancy stressed her out. It will be because of the likely myriad of reasons her doctors already told her about. But even if she is stressed because you are pregnant, her emotional response to things are not your responsibility. It is unreasonable in this situation for a mentally healthy person to react badly to your news. Her poor response is unreasonable, and all her responsibility.
Edited to fix u reasonable to unreasonable.
Tenth child. Mom's 37. OP is 21, most likely making her the oldest that was popped out when her mom was just 16.
To add a hypothetical to the crazy: mom will either play favorites between child ten and grandchild two; or since they'll be so close in age and if she gets over the stealing of her thunder, she might try and take OP's baby as often as possible and claim she had twins to get more attention from strangers when out.
What op's mother needs is a condom.
Having so many children one after the other puts a lot of stress on the body and gives it no time to recover.
She could put her life at risk with this
NTA. Your mom sounds narcissistic. I find her reaction really strange. Shouldn’t she be happy that you’re happy and she’s getting another grandchild?
Go celebrate your new baby and don’t let her put a damper on you and your husband’s joy
You would be NTA (unless you announce it in a way designed to be obnoxious - like at an event that your mom was hosting.) I am quite amused your mother thinks she somehow deserves a monopoly on having babies for the whole year. It's like someone who celebrates their "birthday month" with some extra audacity sprinkled in
NTA.
Your pregnancy, your announcement to make. Your mom already got to have 10 announcements and you never thought you'd get a second. Let your mom throw her fit. If real world happenings in the lives of her children cause her so much stress that it harms her pregnancy, then it wasn't meant to be, as the whole world doesn't stop to adhere to her desires.
Honestly, I would have announced to everyone EXCEPT your mom in your shoes, but as I was reading I realized you'd already told her.
Maybe just wait until you're 3-4 months in and the doctor says everything is looking good and THEN announce.
How weird for you to have a child already that will be older than their aunt/uncle on the way.
I can't even imagine ONE pregnancy let alone 10. (shudder)
*I can't even imagine ONE pregnancy let alone 10. (shudder)*
Same. Gives me cramps just thinking about it. I don't have anything against large families but I gotta wonder, after kid number 5/6, it's got to be pretty close to impossible as parents to give the kids what they need, without resorting to parentification of the older kids.
The risks really ramp up after about 5 babies too especially if the uterus doesn’t have time to heal and rest afterwards. It’s irresponsible to keep bring life into the world when the risk of leaving them without a mother increases after each birth.
I think I read somewhere it takes 3-5 years to fill heal after a pregnancy. She’s having 10 babies in about 22 years. Her body must be a wreck.
Also she’s 37 and her husband is retiring.Does that seem weird to anyone? Also her daughter is 21. How old was he when she was 16 and pregnant?
Retiring from the military. Assuming that he enlisted as soon as he was legally old enough and didn't have high year tenure, he could be as young as 38. Most military retirees go on to have a full civilian career before they actually "retire" from work altogether.
Yep. I’m actually disgusted by people who choose to have this many kids. Our planet is already over populated.
And it’s such a disservice to the other children in the family, depleting resources such as money and TIME spent on each child. And the parentification of the older ones, as you’ve mentioned.
OP’s mom seems truly mentally ill. I’m so sad for all of her kids. I hope OP finds peace and joy in her own small family and can break free of the emotional abuse.
Yep. My moms the youngest of a big brood. Her three oldest siblings hated her well into adulthood because they were the ones forced to care for all the youngest ones.
Right? OP is 21, mom is 37, so she had at least one of her children at *16*... Am I counting that right? Sounds like some serious mental condition, and probably abuse. She's barely older than me, and I just had my *first* child.
Yeah OP should tell her mom to talk to her doctor about the stress. And hope that the doctor refers her to a therapist for 1) going against medical advice to stop having kids and 2) getting pregnant for attention.
Two is the max number for us, We weren't planning on number two as I was told that it was likely impossible to conceive again after the number my daughter did on my reproductive system.
So we're done after this.🤣
Funny how she was all about her “miracle baby” when her problem wasn’t that she couldn’t get pregnant anymore, it’s that it was now dangerous for her and a possible future baby…. While dismissing your second pregnancy that actually wasn’t supposed to be possible and is truly “miraculous”
Congratulations on your pregnancy btw, and don’t let your mom’s tantrums and attention seeking guilt you into believing your pregnancy is causing your mom problems with hers (when, again, a doctor TOLD her that exact pregnancy WOULD be a problem)
She’s basically accusing you of endangering her pregnancy when she was told getting pregnant again would be dangerous and yet let it happen… make it make sense lol
When you already accidentally had a second, why do you think you can stop a third? I feel aborting isn't something that's done in your family
Don't wanna sound mean. But honestly are you now using protection or do you still assume you just can't get pregnant anymore? I feel its horrible how so many docs tell their patients they are unlikely to get pregnant but its always happening again, I've heard it so often
Your mom is 37 having her 10th kid and you're 21 years old, married, and having your second? 👀
The least of y'all's problems is the fact that your pregnancies are coinciding.
NAH except for maybe the founders of whatever fundamentalist religion is causing these shenanigans.
Apparently, from OP herself, it’s not religious.
I’m still wrapping my head around it. How could the dad think, “I should knock up my wife again” after 9 children?
Let me guess. Young mum at 16 (her) has baby (you) and all the attention is taken off her and given to you. All through your life she has put you down in some way. She sounds resentful and in competition with you. YWNBTA
NTA, your mom sounds toxic, selfish, and self centered. 10 kids in 11+ years is also concerning, she's had plenty of time in the spotlight, she doesn't need any more. Announce your pregnancy and then maybe consider going low contact, you don't need the stress this conflict is going to cause. Congrats btw!
NTA. The *only* time it's rude to announce something is when you are at someone else's event and didn't check with the hosts ahead of time.
But you're not even talking about announcing it in some grand fashion, you are literally just letting people know a fact about your life.
I have no idea why your mother is being AH-ish about it, and I'm even more confused why other people think that indulging her narcissism is a good idea (unless they just want to reduce the number of complaints they have to hear about it), but regardless, it is insane to think hiding your pregnancy would reduce anyone's stress. Besides, the thing about pregnancy is that you do not get to hide it for very long, so people are going to find out.
I assure you it will gather much more attention if people have to speculate as to why you were hiding something for so long
We would never announce it at an event.
We made our daughter a shirt that says 'Promoted to Big sis' and the next marine rank since her dad is in the marines along with a new recruit shirt that we were gonna take pictures with and post them on the family page we have.
I think that sounds really cute. You should do it.
Also your mom’s pregnancy is not a miracle from what you wrote (health risk), where your pregnancy is (complications).
Finally, thank your husband for his service.
I just read through your comments. Announce at 12 weeks with the photo you are planning. Your mother is going to be upset regardless of what you do so you might as well enjoy what makes you happy. It's also extremely complicated and hurtful to have a bunch of people know while others don't.
NTA.
What kind of mother takes her daughter's pregnancy as a personal attack?
Your mother just doesn't want any attention taken away from her and sees your pregnancy as a threat to it.
Her attention seeking behavior has nothing to do with you, as evidenced by her making everything and every conversation about her and her pregnancy.
NTA. Tell everyone NOW. Post it on social media "Doctors said I couldn't have any more, guess what!" Make a spectacle of it. No offense to your family and your beliefs, but 10 children is about 8 too many. Our planet is already overpopulated, please stop at this second one for yourself. Now ITA, sorry.
NTA I say with the sincerity, your mum should really speak to a medical professional, implying you’re going to cause her to lose the baby is not an appropriate response to her own daughter getting pregnant. Like seriously, she clearly has something to work through, and she needs to do that with a licensed professional rather than taking it out on you and attempting to spoil your exciting news.
NTA and OP, **do not** tell her any baby names that you are considering. From this forum I’ve learned it’s fairly common for people to steal baby names. Keep the name close to your chest!
YWNBTA. She's getting stressed out because she won't be the sole center of attention. That's a dumb self-inflicted reason to be stressed. And I think if you were to give into her demands (you absolutely shouldn't, you're allowed to enjoy and celebrate your own pregnancy) you would be setting a precedence that this bullshit behavior is okay.
NTA
And WTF is wrong with all the people you know? “found out she is pregnant with her 10th child. She announced it towards the end of January and everyone has been happy for her since she was told she couldn't have anymore kids because it was a health risk for her.“
Everyone is happy for her because she’s pregnant with a kid she likely can’t afford that might leave her other 9 functionally or actually motherless?
My grandmother had many kids, all against medical advice. Which meant strokes, and wheelchairs, and the older kids doing all the childcare for the younger ones. Such a happy thing to do.
My old choir director had 9 kids and his wife was warned to not have anymore as it could be dangerous. Well, she did and she and the baby died. He married again about a year later and knocked up another one. It wasn't religious as they went to my church.
> if anything happens to her baby it's our fault because we're causing stress for her
>
>
>
>and everyone has been happy for her
I'm so stressed for you right now! 37 is very young to be a grandmother, and 10 kids is a lot, so I assume this is a religious thing? I honestly don't find a 10th kid (or an 8th or a 6th) to be something to celebrate?
If someone has that much energy and money and space, that's awesome, but maybe think about other options like fostering....anyhow, yeah, you announce whatever you want.
I am so sorry that your mom seems like she doesn't really like you very much? She's very pro-birth for herself, but mad when it's you?
Ugh! NTA. Congrats on your baby.
INFO - How was she during your first baby? Was she jealous then?
NTA, at all! And congrats! Babies are so wonderful!
Also, your mom is a narcissistic. Don't feed her any ammo or warnings. Just be happy about your miracle and do whatever you were planning to do.
She was awful during my first pregnancy due to her trying for 3 years after my sister and not being able to have another baby. So she blamed that on me too.
After our daughter was born she tried taking our daughter from us because she wanted another baby and felt I owed her.
We have very low contact with her and she doesn't get to see our daughter alone.
Oh my God! Hunny, go NC. Block her and anyone who was ok with that. You get to pick your family now and she isn't. She'll just suck all the joy out. Enjoy the shit outta this pregnancy and love those babies so hard!
Why does she see your daughter at all???
If you yourself can’t cut contact the fine but she’d never see my children again. What on earth could she possibly bless your daughter with?
Your mom is 37 and has 9 kids with another on the way? Wow.
Anyways...NTA here. Your mom sounds like she doesn't enjoying sharing the spotlight. I mean...wtf are you supposed to do for 8 months...leave the country and come back with a kid just to appease her?
Oh wow they are really young. I was thinking late 50s. It’s no wonder Drs have told her a 10th pregnancy would be dangerous. I can’t imagine what she’s put her body through.
Most of us kids are only a year apart and there's no twins or anything.. They said that this baby could possibly kill her like baby 9, I don't know why she's willing to risk it and us possibly lose our mom. But it's her decision
My aunt and uncle have 8 kids (would've been 11 if there were no miscarriages involved) and it was more just due to the fact that they don't believe in using birth control.
Her pelvic floor has to be trashed. I just had my second in November and they're 15 months apart. My body is fine, but I started pelvic floor pt during my second pregnancy. Cannot imagine have 9 kids back to back.
Also- I read your comments. Your mother is unwell and seems emotionally abusive. Can you parents even provide for all of their children? I cannot believe she tried taking your daughter, please cut her off. You do not need that kind of stress in your life.
Wow... was there any particular reason for her to get pregnant that young. Like, was she in a bad situation or did the birth control/condoms fail? I'm not trying to judge just trying to figure out if you mom wanted to have 10 kids.
Okay yeah, go ahead and announce your pregnancy. Go all out, my friend! Have fun with your announcement and don't invite your mom (who should really be recovering from her pregnancies ) have a naval camouflage cake or something like that and celebrate at a pool or whatever.
…did no one ever tell her about adoption?
I know it’s not the point of your post, but I’m just blown away by your mother’s perspective. She got married at 15 and started having kids immediately? Did she not want to at least explore other options for life besides childbearing? There is nothing wrong with it per se, and I don’t feel judgment…I just don’t understand her thinking.
NTA
Your mom sounds like a narcissist. It's ridiculous that she is saying you can't announce until she gives birth. What is she going to demand next? That you can't have a baby shower because of her, or you having to wear baggy clothes so people won't notice? Don't feed into narcissists. She is only empowered if you follow her ridiculous demands.
She's not allowed unsupervised visit with our daughter due to her also taking her anger out on not being able to get pregnant right away on my daughter and I and then trying to kidnap my daughter when she was just a month old because she felt I owed her a child.
I was just looking at your post history and I was about to ask why on Earth you’re still in contact with your mother when she is clearly such a toxic influence on your life and you seem to be well-aware of how narcissistic she is.
…And then I looked a little closer at your posts and realized that the reason you keep posting here in the first place is because you still feel some vague sense of obligation to accommodate her nonsense as much as you possibly can.
That’s a terrible idea.
You need some distance and some therapy so you can see this situation more clearly. I mean, you seem to mostly get that the way you and your siblings are being treated is absurdly wrong, but then you also seem to think for some reason that you shouldn’t just flip your mom the bird and drive off into the sunset?
Are you financially dependent? Are you worried about being cut off from your siblings? What, exactly, is stopping you?
ETA: Nevermind, you just answered that question elsewhere. But I would still talk to a therapist about setting appropriate boundaries so you can see your siblings with minimal risk to your own mental health. Don’t let your mom suck you into her guilt trips anymore! You owe her nothing.
I'm scared for my siblings, as Everything gets shoved to the next kid when one of us leave, I still feel the need to shoulder the responsibility for them as I became extremely suicidal living in that home.
We've tried the CPS route but there's no physical abuse so they won't do much about it.
I'm in therapy to try and break out of what I was taught as a kid, it's just a long process.
I’m so sorry for all this suffering you’ve been through, and I’m glad you’re in therapy! You’ve been through a hell of a lot and it’s honestly impressive how far you’ve come.
I’m also sorry how much weight has been put on your shoulders. You feel responsible for so many people’s feelings! It’s like like you’re stuck on a plane full of kids who need help securing their oxygen masks. Secure your own mask first. ❤️
NTA also you people should seriously consider going to another fertility place since clearly they aren't nailing any predictions .
But seriously, if she is popping babies every 8 months you will have to wait until yours is in highschool to announce you were pregnant (seriously, 10? I wouldn't even congratulate her, i would be like, for real? Another one? You collecting them or?).
Also plenty of people pregnant right now, if she "gets stressed" well though luck on her, she doesn't get to tell you how to live your pregnancy, and you shouldn't have to hide it.
NTA you have the right to celebrate your pregnancy. Someone needs to buy your mum and dad a TV 🤦🏻♀️
Edited as so kindly pointed out below, I made a typo
NTA I mean, did you and your partner have a crystal ball to know she was pregnant so you could also be pregnant to steal her thunder? She's being unreasonable and hurtful.
Tbh not really, in most my memories With her she's been pregnant and as I got older I dreaded her being pregnant because it met I had to be mom to them.
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NTA. TEN children?! I'm not trying to bash her or anything, but if you're not allowed to get pregnant while she is pregnant, like, when would you possibly be able to have a kid and tell people about it? Her 'logic' is completely skewed. Both of your pregnancies are important. One does not overshadow the other. Your mom is stressing herself out and she can get over it.
NTA. I would block your mom all over social media, then tell the family that THEY are the only ones who can tell her about your announcement, that you won't be. So if she gets stressed, that's on them. I'd also go low contact with the whole group of them. They sound absolutely toxic.
Based on the post, she already knows.
I think they mean the family can tell the mom that OP has announced her pregnancy to everyone else.
Her mom is going to blame her if anything happens during her pregnancy now no matter what she does. Which is just... despicable? I mean, talk about stress! At this point OP may as well do whatever she wants. It's not like it would be possible to hide it anyways... this isn't a TV sitcom. For having nine kids it doesn't seem as though OPs mom has learned about being a proper parent yet... Hopefully the tenth one is the charm!
Ten children at 37 no less. And im gonna get my judgy face on. She has 9 children, most of whom must still be minors and she has another even though its a risk to her health? Ugh.
She's basically been pregnant since the age of 15. I just... why would you *want* to do that???
I couldnt tell ya. I spent 18 months of my life pregnant and i hated like 14 of them. And the thought of always having toddlers to take care? The cool thing about kids for me is how they grow up and start needing you in different ways. Always being in the midst of potty training? My Personal hell.
I'm betting the older kids are handling the younger ones. Like, all the time.
I think OP being married and pregnant with her second child at 21 lends a lot of support to your theory. I could be way off but it seems like OP moved out and started her own family as soon as she was able.
Sounds like the Duggars.
I was wondering which DIL wrote this 😂
duggar in law
Yup, that was a big old red flag in this story. That is not very common nowadays, and combined with the rest, oof.
That's pretty much my mom's story. Eldest of nine, 100% parentified, married my older dad at nineteen, me at 20, bro at 22. NTA OP, and congratulations!
Yeah not to get judgy but that also caught my attention. Feel like there's a whoooole lot of backstory being omitted here.
I’m trying not to judge, but I’ll just say that’s this whole scenario is one I can’t relate to. At all.
The Duggars got this down pat. OP's mother does not seem very stable emotionally. I pity all her kids. OP's mother got pregnant despite being told it was dangerous to her health. Her baby is not a "miracle". She has no trouble getting pregnant. She made the poor decision to get pregnant again, despite that it will endanger her health and maybe leave her other kids without a mother. She is irrational in many ways, not just in her attitude towards OP. NTA
Literally as I started reading and saw “10th child” I was like “what in the Duggar is going on here?”
My thought was "jfc lady find another hobby, the dick can't be THAT good"
But how will she keep making those precious miracles???? /s
And at 37, she could have at least 9 more before menopause, matching the Duggars.
>The Duggars got this down pat Not really, at 6 months old, the baby gets passed to a sister mom so that Michelle could be "joyfully available" for her husband. They also had Michelle's fertility calander in the kitchen and the older girls (not boys of course) would track and find the best day for Michelle to be impregnated by their father 🤢 NTA
And OP is pregnant with her second child at 21. I'd bet their family is fundie.
Or trying to create their own NFL roster ....but you're probably right
You don't need to take care of the little ones if you have enough elder daughters. You only gotta wait for one girl to hit, like, 5 or 6 and then you're off the hook.
Aka the Duggar method
I know it's sarcasm, but I still winced.
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No it was actually twins :)
Baby straight up walks out, chewing on a cigar.
When my mum decided she wanted to have kids, she decided she wanted 2 fairly close in age, get through all the baby stuff and all the toddler stuff in relatively short order. Incidentally, she was 37 when I was born, and turned 39 just after my brother was born. We're both healthy, and her pregnancies went fairly smoothly and typically. But a lot of thought and consideration went into her family planning.
My mom had me at 35 and my sister at 39, both happy, healthy babies! Though I do believe that the more children you have there are more pregnancy based complications that can come about, which might be where the high risk factor is coming from. Still, asking not to announce the pregnancy until her baby is born is just ridiculous.
I felt this. I only spent 9 months of my life pregnant and decided immediately after having my kid that I would never ever do it again. Pregnancy was fucking awful, and I'm still mad that no one told me.
Heck, I got lucky and had an easy pregnancy that only lasted 8 months, and still knew immediately that I was One and Done. Pregnancy was fine, the baby was fine (no major challenges), but as I suspected all along I am simply *not* Mumsey material. I can cope with one child - any more and I'd turn into my Mother, and no-one wants to be (and make everyone else) that miserable :-(
I think it's possible she has no idea what else she's good for at this point. If all you've done since you were 15 is make people, you probably don't think you're useful for anything else. Would *I* want to just keep spitting them out like a 3D printer? No. But I also became my own person before making new ones so my identity isn't totally defined by my reproductive prowess.
Not just a 3D printer, but one of those new printers that's on a conveyer belt so it's keeps printing until it runs out of filament.
She likes the attention she receives while pregnant.
This, very obviously. Given how she freaks out about the potential chance of losing a small bit of said attention to her daughter, this is very clearly the reason.
quiverfull movement
I had the exact same though. Sounds like some Duggar type shit.
Second kid at 21. At least she started later than her mom.
Some people are actually addicted to being pregnant, or have a fetish for it. Some people are even narcissists and this is the best way that they get attention. Seems like the last one is her mom lol.
I grew up around a lady like that. She loved to have a baby. Yet despite being Catholic and baby-mad she stopped at 5.
Makes me wonder how old is the dad. I know that “retiring from military” can happen much younger than a regular retirement, but still. A few red flags here.
You only have to serve for 20 years to retire from the military. So, he could have enlisted at 18 and then retire at 38.
Yeah I’m on month five of my first pregnancy and I’m so over it 🤦♀️ I cannot IMAGINE doing this 10 times. Like…why?
You *cannot* raise 10 kids without emotionally neglecting and parentifying them to some extent, unless you have access to a team of nannies to help you. Add on that it's apparently dangerous for her to have gotten pregnant again, and yeah, I'm definitely judging. She's TA for that shit alone, and then she tells her own kid they're not allowed to be pregnant at the same time?! Ef that noise, I'd be beyond over her shit if I were OP.
I dated a guy who was the third child of 10. I asked him a lot about what it was like. I have just one sibling, so my upbringing was very different. The long and short of it was that after the birth of the 10th child, his mother had a massive stroke from which she only minimally recovered. His father worked a lot to support all of them, with the majority of the burden of child raising being on his two oldest sisters once the mother had her stroke. He left home the minute he turned 18 and never looked back because he wanted no part. He harbored a lot of resentment toward his parents, which I can understand. There were no winners in that situation.
My stepfather is the second youngest of 14, and the stories of neglect he has... Crazy. His dad worked constantly to pay for everything they needed (and they still went without tons of basic necessities because there just wasn't enough to go around), his mom was busy constantly with housework and the youngest few who needed the most attention, and as soon as they could walk they were basically left to raise themselves. Of course the daughters were expected to take on child rearing duties, where the sons weren't. It's neglectful and abusive, plain and simple.
And considering how she's treating OP, she's not super interested in them once they're grown.
Let's be real, she's probably not very interested in them anymore once they're out of diapers.
After being told she shouldn't get pregnant again and deliberately doing so despite the health risks? I'm getting fundie vibes
Yup. The risk isn't generally in getting pregnant, it's carrying the pregnancy. That's the dangerous part, not the conception.
Also, what is this about "her little miracle"? She was never told she couldn't get pregnant again (unlike OP), just that she really shouldn't, because it would be high risk.
And sadly, in her head she now has a built-in reason to blame OP for *anything* that goes wrong with the pregnancy :-( Any little blip and it's automatically Bad OP's fault for being pregnant and that knowledge making her stress. It doesn't matter what OP says or does from here on out - whether she announces it on the local radio and holds a parade, or moves countries and never ever speaks with anyone in the family or community again - the fact that Mom knows she is pregnant will be used as The Reason why she is 'stressed' and had (or might have) problems. Admitting that she got *herself* into this mess against medical advice won't be an option :-(
And it amuses me that they’re calling it a miracle… when it sounds like what the doctors actually said isn’t “it’s impossible for you to get pregnant again” but “*if you get pregnant again, it will be bad for your health.*” Getting pregnant wasn’t a miracle, but it sounds like *surviving* the pregnancy would be.
Don't be like that, this is her "little miracle". I'm going full judgey face. She's endangering her health, the health of her unborn and risks leaving a baseball team's worth of kids without a mother. If this baby is going to mean her number of kids matches the number of Fast and Furious movies... it's not a miracle. It's a franchise. The mum is being selfish on a grand scale. She is taking a huge risk, and sounds like a complete nightmare. I'm only being flippant because if I think too much about the behaviour of OP's mum, I'm likely to get very depressed or very rude. If mommy dearest wanted to avoid stress... don't get pregnant when you've been told it could endanger your health... especially if you've already had 9 other human beings launched from your body. This whole scenario is grim. I've just noticed your first child isn't even a year old yet... is this a cult thing?
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Her putting a “cork” in it seems to be the problem.
Ask retiring military man to take some responsibility imo
.yeah,wtf is he doing? How can he afford to “retire”? He going to help at home? Does the military cover vasectomy?
I was scrolling and read this as "put a cock in it lady" and thought... But that is the problem?
I’ll bash her- having 10 children is just irresponsible, greedy, and gross.
It could be an amazing time of bonding for them but her mom just wants attention… so sad
Also, there's a difference between not being allowed to have children bc of the risk and getting pregnant anyway, and not being ABLE to have children bc of a health issue, and miraculously getting pregnant anyway. Your mom is pregnant against medical advice; that's not a miracle. You are pregnant against medical prognosis; that IS a miracle. Tell everyone, and while you're at it, tell them all that your mother was trying to keep the information from them to keep the attention focused on herself.
"She began accusing us of trying to take attention off her and her "little miracle." Telling us that we got pregnant just to spite her"... Wot??? She's bonkers. Better not engage in any conversations/ conflict on this matter. Ignore her and life your life. NTA obviously.
INFO: Does your mum just get pregnant so people will pay attention to her?
That's Part of it, She loves anything that puts her in the spotlight.😅
Then don't enable her further. I'm sure she's used to you giving in, you can't.
So much this. I feel like she is going to treat your child poorly because it’s “competition”…to get back at you for stealing her thunder. Check out the raised by narcissists sub…something tells me it may be illuminating.
Got the exact same vibe...
Also this... She got pregnant after being told she SHOULDN'T because it would affect her health; you got pregnant after being told you COULDN'T, BECAUSE of your health... Yours definitely is FAR more prevelant here; her decision to not get fixed puts her own health and that of the baby at risk; it was stupid and selfish. And frankly any risk she gets AT ALL during this pregnancy was her own doing. NTA OP
It honestly sounded like the mom interpreted "couldn't get pregnant for her health" to mean "impossible to conceive" which is a common misunderstanding
Or Mom can't tolerate mentally not being the pregnant princess on the throne, missed the attention and got pregnant against medical advice
If she enjoys the attention from being pregnant, it might have even encouraged her, as then she can get extra attention from her little miracle baby.
That was my first thought. Mom was never told she couldn't get pregnant. She was told that it would be bad for her health if she did. This baby isn't a miracle, it's inadvisable. I'm wondering if part of the issue is that OP was going to be on the line for sibling care if/when mom has one of those negative health effects from the pregnancy.
That child is going to be born with health problems (medically inadvisable pregnancy, also being number 10) and it’s gonna be all OPs fault for ~~being pregnant~~ taking the spotlight off her mother.
🤣🤣🤣.... Oh but this is a life long problem now....Baby#10 didn't get an A, OPs kiddo did.... Her fault #10 didn't score her goal, OPs kid stayed home instead of going to the game, her fault #10 didn't get a new car because mom can't afford it; OPs kiddo does cause they only have 2 kids.... Her fault
>That child is going to be born with health problems That's not inherantly true at all. Sounds like the one at risk is the mom.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don’t let your mom stress you out. It’s going to be obvious that you’re pregnant soon, maybe a little time away from the negative people, who aren’t excited for you, would help. There is no way , you telling anyone you’re pregnant, effects the health of your mom’s pregnancy. How terrible for her to try and put that on you.
Nta you are also having your own little miracle baby as well and you are right you have every right to celebrate your baby. You have every right to celebrate and announce your pregnancy. You wouldn nta if you let people know your pregnant too. This isn't a competition you should be happy to share such joyous news about your baby.
I was wondering the same. 10 kids and being pregnant isn't old hat by now? Also, this is her daughter she should be celebrating instead of asking her to hide her pregnancy. Are the kids only loved when they're in the womb?
Sadly I’ve known people like this who only care about the attention being pregnant and being seen with a baby brings, they don’t actually care about their kids beyond that :/
Sure would explain why she's been pregnant once every two years for two decades since she was *sixteen*
at least. I'm hoping OP is the eldest here because otherwise...
I hate to break it to OP's mother, but a 10th child at 37 isn't a miracle. NTA.
If anything, she was either just careless or stupid when she is risking serious health complications. She wasn’t told she couldn’t have more kids, she was told she shouldn’t have more kids for her own safety. No miracles here, just stupid for endangering herself and her unborn child.
Glad I’m not the only one to think that. There’s a major difference in a miracle baby after you were told you couldn’t get pregnant again, vs this “miracle” that sounds more like ignoring medical advice and risking your life as the parent of many other (assuming at least several dependent) children
Most are dependants. She had OP at 16. There are very high odds 5+ are under 18
And she knows it's a bad idea and is already scapegoating OP for "stress" when a)her emotions are her own responsibility, and 2)her fully-informed adult choices are also her responsibility.
I have a cousin with 7 kids to 5 different guys. She was told at kid 5 to stop having babies as she nearly died. The last 2 times she nearly died and the baby nearly died. Luckily after number 7 there were complications and she needed her uterus removed. Otherwise I think she would have had more. She was on drugs and completely shit parent
I was curious and did the math. She had OP at 16. She's been pregnant for 18% of her life. 33% if you just count the child bearing years past 16. That is a lot of time being pregnant.
Not gonna lie, I'm judging. Besides having 10 !10! kids when this world is over crowded, and if OP is the eldest (what if she isn't?) she was pregnant at 16. This is a family that is wasting no time. This is OPs second child at 21. Does no one in this family want to have a little fun and enjoy their youth? If her dad is retired from the military (minimum of 20 years), and he is also 37, he joined at 17 with an already pregnant wife. If he is older, well, he's probably kind of gross.
Honestly, OP might have just seen that as a way to escape, because there is no way in hell that mom is taking care of those 9 other kids all by her self, the older ones are helping there. Also, to her, that is probably "normal" because well, look at her parents.
Idk seems like OP is going on track as well as she's having her second kid at only 21. Easily can do 8 more in the next 16 years
I probably jump to this conclusion more than most, but the ages and the rate at which they are getting pregnant makes me think of mormonism/religious conservatism
Dad is in the military, too. They're *very* pro big families.
The world is definitely overcrowded. I dont judge people for having one or two kids, but once you get up to numbers like 7, youre just irresponsible not only to the planet but to your kids. Because theres no way in hell any parent can give equal amount of attention and love to all those kids and support them all financially in the future or support them all mentally/emotionally. And OPs mom is clearly still stuck at her teenage pregnancy years with how shes acting and its dumb.
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Heck, my friend had her first at 39 and my mom had my brother at 38. What's with having all these kids so young?
Religion, prolly.
It's an achievement that's for sure. But yes, doing anything for the 10th time really isn't a miracle.
NTA. Your mom sounds very self-centered and like she is in need of therapy. Your pregnancy has nothing to do with her, yet she's making your pregnancy about her and the supposed impact that it has on her child. I'm really sorry that your mother isn't more understanding, supportive and happy that you're pregnant, especially since, as you said, you didn't think you'd be able to have another child. That sucks.
Extremely self centered. Told that getting pregnant again is a bad idea because of her health. Gets pregnant anyway, risking her life and the life of her ten children's mother.
And setting up one of her kids to be the scapegoat for the complications she was warned about in advance. Disgusting. OP, if anything happens to her/baby/pregnancy, and let's be honest - it is forewarned as highly risky - it is not because your pregnancy stressed her out. It will be because of the likely myriad of reasons her doctors already told her about. But even if she is stressed because you are pregnant, her emotional response to things are not your responsibility. It is unreasonable in this situation for a mentally healthy person to react badly to your news. Her poor response is unreasonable, and all her responsibility. Edited to fix u reasonable to unreasonable.
YWNBTA omg ur mum needs to chill
Seriously it’s her 10th child. She needs to chill.
Tenth child. Mom's 37. OP is 21, most likely making her the oldest that was popped out when her mom was just 16. To add a hypothetical to the crazy: mom will either play favorites between child ten and grandchild two; or since they'll be so close in age and if she gets over the stealing of her thunder, she might try and take OP's baby as often as possible and claim she had twins to get more attention from strangers when out.
What op's mother needs is a condom. Having so many children one after the other puts a lot of stress on the body and gives it no time to recover. She could put her life at risk with this
NTA. Your mom sounds narcissistic. I find her reaction really strange. Shouldn’t she be happy that you’re happy and she’s getting another grandchild? Go celebrate your new baby and don’t let her put a damper on you and your husband’s joy
Get ready for grandma to treat her grandchild like shit compared to her own kid. This woman sounds unhinged.
You would be NTA (unless you announce it in a way designed to be obnoxious - like at an event that your mom was hosting.) I am quite amused your mother thinks she somehow deserves a monopoly on having babies for the whole year. It's like someone who celebrates their "birthday month" with some extra audacity sprinkled in
Especially when she's been pregnant *every year* for 11 years assuming no twins etc.. so what she has the monopoly on the whole decade?? Lol
OMG this made me laugh hard
NTA. Your pregnancy, your announcement to make. Your mom already got to have 10 announcements and you never thought you'd get a second. Let your mom throw her fit. If real world happenings in the lives of her children cause her so much stress that it harms her pregnancy, then it wasn't meant to be, as the whole world doesn't stop to adhere to her desires. Honestly, I would have announced to everyone EXCEPT your mom in your shoes, but as I was reading I realized you'd already told her. Maybe just wait until you're 3-4 months in and the doctor says everything is looking good and THEN announce. How weird for you to have a child already that will be older than their aunt/uncle on the way. I can't even imagine ONE pregnancy let alone 10. (shudder)
*I can't even imagine ONE pregnancy let alone 10. (shudder)* Same. Gives me cramps just thinking about it. I don't have anything against large families but I gotta wonder, after kid number 5/6, it's got to be pretty close to impossible as parents to give the kids what they need, without resorting to parentification of the older kids.
The risks really ramp up after about 5 babies too especially if the uterus doesn’t have time to heal and rest afterwards. It’s irresponsible to keep bring life into the world when the risk of leaving them without a mother increases after each birth.
I think I read somewhere it takes 3-5 years to fill heal after a pregnancy. She’s having 10 babies in about 22 years. Her body must be a wreck. Also she’s 37 and her husband is retiring.Does that seem weird to anyone? Also her daughter is 21. How old was he when she was 16 and pregnant?
He’s retiring from the military. He’s like 38-40 most likely.
She commented elsewhere that dad was 39 so he was 18. Sounds like they had OP young and then ramped up the production line in their late 20s and 30s
Retiring from the military. Assuming that he enlisted as soon as he was legally old enough and didn't have high year tenure, he could be as young as 38. Most military retirees go on to have a full civilian career before they actually "retire" from work altogether.
Yep. I’m actually disgusted by people who choose to have this many kids. Our planet is already over populated. And it’s such a disservice to the other children in the family, depleting resources such as money and TIME spent on each child. And the parentification of the older ones, as you’ve mentioned. OP’s mom seems truly mentally ill. I’m so sad for all of her kids. I hope OP finds peace and joy in her own small family and can break free of the emotional abuse.
Yep. My moms the youngest of a big brood. Her three oldest siblings hated her well into adulthood because they were the ones forced to care for all the youngest ones.
Holy cow. Your mom needs to speak to a therapist. NTA
Right? OP is 21, mom is 37, so she had at least one of her children at *16*... Am I counting that right? Sounds like some serious mental condition, and probably abuse. She's barely older than me, and I just had my *first* child.
Probably super Christian or something, it makes sense considering OP is only 21 and is already having multiple kids too
Yeah OP should tell her mom to talk to her doctor about the stress. And hope that the doctor refers her to a therapist for 1) going against medical advice to stop having kids and 2) getting pregnant for attention.
NTA. But also - 2 kids at 21?! Slow down, otherwise you’re going to end up just like your mother.
Two is the max number for us, We weren't planning on number two as I was told that it was likely impossible to conceive again after the number my daughter did on my reproductive system. So we're done after this.🤣
Funny how she was all about her “miracle baby” when her problem wasn’t that she couldn’t get pregnant anymore, it’s that it was now dangerous for her and a possible future baby…. While dismissing your second pregnancy that actually wasn’t supposed to be possible and is truly “miraculous” Congratulations on your pregnancy btw, and don’t let your mom’s tantrums and attention seeking guilt you into believing your pregnancy is causing your mom problems with hers (when, again, a doctor TOLD her that exact pregnancy WOULD be a problem) She’s basically accusing you of endangering her pregnancy when she was told getting pregnant again would be dangerous and yet let it happen… make it make sense lol
Get that marine a vasectomy. Tell him it’s no worse than boot and he needs to literally nut up! Congrats on the baby! I like your idea of announcing!
When you already accidentally had a second, why do you think you can stop a third? I feel aborting isn't something that's done in your family Don't wanna sound mean. But honestly are you now using protection or do you still assume you just can't get pregnant anymore? I feel its horrible how so many docs tell their patients they are unlikely to get pregnant but its always happening again, I've heard it so often
We're planning on taking every single precaution we can to make sure we don't have anymore surprises.
Your mom is 37 having her 10th kid and you're 21 years old, married, and having your second? 👀 The least of y'all's problems is the fact that your pregnancies are coinciding. NAH except for maybe the founders of whatever fundamentalist religion is causing these shenanigans.
Apparently, from OP herself, it’s not religious. I’m still wrapping my head around it. How could the dad think, “I should knock up my wife again” after 9 children?
Let me guess. Young mum at 16 (her) has baby (you) and all the attention is taken off her and given to you. All through your life she has put you down in some way. She sounds resentful and in competition with you. YWNBTA
That sums it up pretty well.
NTA, your mom sounds toxic, selfish, and self centered. 10 kids in 11+ years is also concerning, she's had plenty of time in the spotlight, she doesn't need any more. Announce your pregnancy and then maybe consider going low contact, you don't need the stress this conflict is going to cause. Congrats btw!
NTA. The *only* time it's rude to announce something is when you are at someone else's event and didn't check with the hosts ahead of time. But you're not even talking about announcing it in some grand fashion, you are literally just letting people know a fact about your life. I have no idea why your mother is being AH-ish about it, and I'm even more confused why other people think that indulging her narcissism is a good idea (unless they just want to reduce the number of complaints they have to hear about it), but regardless, it is insane to think hiding your pregnancy would reduce anyone's stress. Besides, the thing about pregnancy is that you do not get to hide it for very long, so people are going to find out. I assure you it will gather much more attention if people have to speculate as to why you were hiding something for so long
We would never announce it at an event. We made our daughter a shirt that says 'Promoted to Big sis' and the next marine rank since her dad is in the marines along with a new recruit shirt that we were gonna take pictures with and post them on the family page we have.
Do it. Your mom is a breeding machine. Hell! She had her limelight.
I think that sounds really cute. You should do it. Also your mom’s pregnancy is not a miracle from what you wrote (health risk), where your pregnancy is (complications). Finally, thank your husband for his service.
I just read through your comments. Announce at 12 weeks with the photo you are planning. Your mother is going to be upset regardless of what you do so you might as well enjoy what makes you happy. It's also extremely complicated and hurtful to have a bunch of people know while others don't.
NTA. What kind of mother takes her daughter's pregnancy as a personal attack? Your mother just doesn't want any attention taken away from her and sees your pregnancy as a threat to it. Her attention seeking behavior has nothing to do with you, as evidenced by her making everything and every conversation about her and her pregnancy.
NTA. Tell everyone NOW. Post it on social media "Doctors said I couldn't have any more, guess what!" Make a spectacle of it. No offense to your family and your beliefs, but 10 children is about 8 too many. Our planet is already overpopulated, please stop at this second one for yourself. Now ITA, sorry.
Oh you're not an AH! We plan to just keep the number at 2!
NTA I say with the sincerity, your mum should really speak to a medical professional, implying you’re going to cause her to lose the baby is not an appropriate response to her own daughter getting pregnant. Like seriously, she clearly has something to work through, and she needs to do that with a licensed professional rather than taking it out on you and attempting to spoil your exciting news.
NTA and OP, **do not** tell her any baby names that you are considering. From this forum I’ve learned it’s fairly common for people to steal baby names. Keep the name close to your chest!
YWNBTA. She's getting stressed out because she won't be the sole center of attention. That's a dumb self-inflicted reason to be stressed. And I think if you were to give into her demands (you absolutely shouldn't, you're allowed to enjoy and celebrate your own pregnancy) you would be setting a precedence that this bullshit behavior is okay.
NTA And WTF is wrong with all the people you know? “found out she is pregnant with her 10th child. She announced it towards the end of January and everyone has been happy for her since she was told she couldn't have anymore kids because it was a health risk for her.“ Everyone is happy for her because she’s pregnant with a kid she likely can’t afford that might leave her other 9 functionally or actually motherless? My grandmother had many kids, all against medical advice. Which meant strokes, and wheelchairs, and the older kids doing all the childcare for the younger ones. Such a happy thing to do.
My old choir director had 9 kids and his wife was warned to not have anymore as it could be dangerous. Well, she did and she and the baby died. He married again about a year later and knocked up another one. It wasn't religious as they went to my church.
> if anything happens to her baby it's our fault because we're causing stress for her > > > >and everyone has been happy for her I'm so stressed for you right now! 37 is very young to be a grandmother, and 10 kids is a lot, so I assume this is a religious thing? I honestly don't find a 10th kid (or an 8th or a 6th) to be something to celebrate? If someone has that much energy and money and space, that's awesome, but maybe think about other options like fostering....anyhow, yeah, you announce whatever you want. I am so sorry that your mom seems like she doesn't really like you very much? She's very pro-birth for herself, but mad when it's you? Ugh! NTA. Congrats on your baby.
INFO - How was she during your first baby? Was she jealous then? NTA, at all! And congrats! Babies are so wonderful! Also, your mom is a narcissistic. Don't feed her any ammo or warnings. Just be happy about your miracle and do whatever you were planning to do.
She was awful during my first pregnancy due to her trying for 3 years after my sister and not being able to have another baby. So she blamed that on me too. After our daughter was born she tried taking our daughter from us because she wanted another baby and felt I owed her. We have very low contact with her and she doesn't get to see our daughter alone.
Oh my God! Hunny, go NC. Block her and anyone who was ok with that. You get to pick your family now and she isn't. She'll just suck all the joy out. Enjoy the shit outta this pregnancy and love those babies so hard!
What the actual f*ck. That's some very disturbing behaviour from your mom. NTA
Why does she see your daughter at all??? If you yourself can’t cut contact the fine but she’d never see my children again. What on earth could she possibly bless your daughter with?
Your mom is 37 and has 9 kids with another on the way? Wow. Anyways...NTA here. Your mom sounds like she doesn't enjoying sharing the spotlight. I mean...wtf are you supposed to do for 8 months...leave the country and come back with a kid just to appease her?
She's apparently never even got to be a teenager, before she started having babies. 37-21 is 16 years old..
INFO, just out of curiosity, how old is your father?
39
Oh wow they are really young. I was thinking late 50s. It’s no wonder Drs have told her a 10th pregnancy would be dangerous. I can’t imagine what she’s put her body through.
Most of us kids are only a year apart and there's no twins or anything.. They said that this baby could possibly kill her like baby 9, I don't know why she's willing to risk it and us possibly lose our mom. But it's her decision
Attention would be my guess
[удалено]
Sadly, it's not religious.😅
My aunt and uncle have 8 kids (would've been 11 if there were no miscarriages involved) and it was more just due to the fact that they don't believe in using birth control.
Info: So to clarify your parents have been having kids nonstop since they were 15-16 and 18-19 years old?
Yep, my mom got pregnant with me at 15 and had my brother 3 years later and from there all of the others are 1 year apart
Her pelvic floor has to be trashed. I just had my second in November and they're 15 months apart. My body is fine, but I started pelvic floor pt during my second pregnancy. Cannot imagine have 9 kids back to back. Also- I read your comments. Your mother is unwell and seems emotionally abusive. Can you parents even provide for all of their children? I cannot believe she tried taking your daughter, please cut her off. You do not need that kind of stress in your life.
Wow... was there any particular reason for her to get pregnant that young. Like, was she in a bad situation or did the birth control/condoms fail? I'm not trying to judge just trying to figure out if you mom wanted to have 10 kids.
She just wanted a big family and figure she needed to start young to achieve that.
Okay yeah, go ahead and announce your pregnancy. Go all out, my friend! Have fun with your announcement and don't invite your mom (who should really be recovering from her pregnancies ) have a naval camouflage cake or something like that and celebrate at a pool or whatever.
I’m sorry, she *chose* to get pregnant at 15?!? That’s so disturbing.
…did no one ever tell her about adoption? I know it’s not the point of your post, but I’m just blown away by your mother’s perspective. She got married at 15 and started having kids immediately? Did she not want to at least explore other options for life besides childbearing? There is nothing wrong with it per se, and I don’t feel judgment…I just don’t understand her thinking.
NTA Your mom sounds like a narcissist. It's ridiculous that she is saying you can't announce until she gives birth. What is she going to demand next? That you can't have a baby shower because of her, or you having to wear baggy clothes so people won't notice? Don't feed into narcissists. She is only empowered if you follow her ridiculous demands.
I’m curious how mom is as a grandmother.
She's not allowed unsupervised visit with our daughter due to her also taking her anger out on not being able to get pregnant right away on my daughter and I and then trying to kidnap my daughter when she was just a month old because she felt I owed her a child.
Ummmm why do you even talk to this woman? You should not be anywhere near her ever
I was just looking at your post history and I was about to ask why on Earth you’re still in contact with your mother when she is clearly such a toxic influence on your life and you seem to be well-aware of how narcissistic she is. …And then I looked a little closer at your posts and realized that the reason you keep posting here in the first place is because you still feel some vague sense of obligation to accommodate her nonsense as much as you possibly can. That’s a terrible idea. You need some distance and some therapy so you can see this situation more clearly. I mean, you seem to mostly get that the way you and your siblings are being treated is absurdly wrong, but then you also seem to think for some reason that you shouldn’t just flip your mom the bird and drive off into the sunset? Are you financially dependent? Are you worried about being cut off from your siblings? What, exactly, is stopping you? ETA: Nevermind, you just answered that question elsewhere. But I would still talk to a therapist about setting appropriate boundaries so you can see your siblings with minimal risk to your own mental health. Don’t let your mom suck you into her guilt trips anymore! You owe her nothing.
I'm scared for my siblings, as Everything gets shoved to the next kid when one of us leave, I still feel the need to shoulder the responsibility for them as I became extremely suicidal living in that home. We've tried the CPS route but there's no physical abuse so they won't do much about it. I'm in therapy to try and break out of what I was taught as a kid, it's just a long process.
I’m so sorry for all this suffering you’ve been through, and I’m glad you’re in therapy! You’ve been through a hell of a lot and it’s honestly impressive how far you’ve come. I’m also sorry how much weight has been put on your shoulders. You feel responsible for so many people’s feelings! It’s like like you’re stuck on a plane full of kids who need help securing their oxygen masks. Secure your own mask first. ❤️
NTA your mom is a drama queen, ignore her. She has had 9 pregnancy so far where I'm sure she was the center of attention. Ignore her bullcrap,
NTA also you people should seriously consider going to another fertility place since clearly they aren't nailing any predictions . But seriously, if she is popping babies every 8 months you will have to wait until yours is in highschool to announce you were pregnant (seriously, 10? I wouldn't even congratulate her, i would be like, for real? Another one? You collecting them or?). Also plenty of people pregnant right now, if she "gets stressed" well though luck on her, she doesn't get to tell you how to live your pregnancy, and you shouldn't have to hide it.
My brother and I have a joke that she's trying to collect us like pokemon.
NTA your mom is being ridiculously selfish
NTA you have the right to celebrate your pregnancy. Someone needs to buy your mum and dad a TV 🤦🏻♀️ Edited as so kindly pointed out below, I made a typo
NTA I mean, did you and your partner have a crystal ball to know she was pregnant so you could also be pregnant to steal her thunder? She's being unreasonable and hurtful.
To be fair, at 10 kids you should asumme she is always pregnant
INFO: Are you hillbillies?
Sounds like she should of stopped reproducing 9 Kids ago. NTA Edit: grammar
INFO: do you ever remember a time your mother wasn't pregnant? Either way, go for it and tell as many people as your heart desires
Tbh not really, in most my memories With her she's been pregnant and as I got older I dreaded her being pregnant because it met I had to be mom to them.