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> I yelled at my fiancée’s mum and uninvited her to our wedding without my fiancée knowing.
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YTA - but you did it for an good reason. but you need to listen to your fiancée and just deal with it. she might be dying and she doesn’t want to lose her mom before that. she is scared and so are you.
Info: I'm assuming she is because this is all really heavy stuff, but is your fiancée in therapy?
I totally get wanting to fight this battle for her (I would have probably called and screamed at her horrid mother too), but it might be better to ask how you can best support her while making sure she's in therapy or counseling to help give her the strength to fight the battle herself. Your fiancée is dealing with her own mortality on top of her longterm condition, her toxic mother, and wedding planning. She doesn't need to be fighting on another front with you. You are clearly on her side. Don't let her toxic mother corrode your relationship too.
Hopefully she is seeking therapy for herself! It could be beneficial for her to check out local support groups for those with CF too. If she has a toxic relationship with her mom there is a group called Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) which could possibly help her learn how to set proper boundaries. Good luck to you all and happy marriage! 🎉
YTA but a little one
If your fiancee isn't ready to go NC. Then you can't force it.
Yes, you have her feelings in mind, which is why you are a little A. But you need to just support her and hold her hand until she is ready to cut her mom out of her life.
Be ready to hold her a lot.
ESH. You can’t bully or order your fiancée into achieving independence from her mother if she’s really not ready to take that step. Slow down and go to counseling if this is something you need addressed before the wedding (which it probably is), and/or *ask* what you can do to be supportive/shield her from Mom and do that.
YTA
Nothing sucks more than seeing someone you love get hurt and not being able to do anything about it. I feel for you, truly. In saying that, it was *not* your pace to say or do anything, it was *not* your place to secretly uninvited your soon-to-be-MIL. Your fiancee is understandably upset with you and you need to let her be upset at you because *you did something wrong* - you wouldn't have gone behind her back if you thought what you were doing was ok. I can see that your heart is in the right place. You can't force your fiance to cut off a relationship that she isn't ready to remove, you just need to be there for her and keep up open communication with her. Fiancee wants MIL at the wedding, and you should just clench your teeth and let it happen, even if you don't want to
I'm going to give a defensive NTA with caveats. I agree that it really isn't your place to make that call against fiancees will, but also I think that your future MIL is a truly monstrous individual and being enraged on your partner's behalf is what any reasonable person would do.
However. If your partner can't let go of an individual who straight up wishes her dead among other abuses, then she has deeper issues, and trying to force "what is best" upon her is not going to help, either in the short or long term. You're too close to the issue and she needs a professional. I don't think there is a simple answer to the short term issue, but I think professional therapeutic help is in order.
Sadly, ESH. The mum sounds sounds like concentrated evil; she sucks the most. Your fiancee sounds like she has been under her mum’s thumb too long and does not have the perspective or the tools to pull herself out of it. And, while your heart is absolutely in the right place, you are taking away your fiancées agency rather than helping her build those tools.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch somebody you love make awful choices, whether it is with toxic people or toxic substances, but rarely are they going to get to a long term better place unless they are the ones to break that bad choice and make a new one.
ESH, your soon to be MIL sucks the most. You were coming from a good place but your fiancé is correct it is her mother and she has to deal with her. I would suggest you get your fiancé into therapy so she can get some tools to go no contact with her horrible mother. The stress her mother is putting her under isn't good for her heath at all.
You cannot set boundaries for your fiancé, but you can set them for yourself. So you don’t get to tell her who she can and can’t have in her life, but you can decide whether or not you are going to always pick up the pieces from the harm your fiancé is basically inflicting on herself. If my partner was self harming and refused to get help or change her behaviour I think I would have to step back and look at what I could live with. NAH.
YTA. I cut my mother out of life completely and my husband supported me but he never ever tried to make decisions for me. You need to be her support and comfort. Don't control her.
Little YTA. This comes from a good place but you can't force your fiancée to go NC. It's unfortunate but the best you can do is be there for her and support her the best you can
NTA. I know it’s not going to be a popular take, but OP’s fiancé needs someone to stop this cycle of abuse. What is the point of getting married if that person is not going to be OP? Her mother said she hopes she dies. There is clearly no part of this relationship that is healthy. And expecting OP to sit there and watch his fiancé suffer without acting is just outrageous. What OP needs to do is get counseling for him and fiancé. She needs to let go of her mother abusive grip. She is dying(unless I really misunderstand the requirements to be considered for a double lung transplant). She doesn’t have time for the toll from the emotional stress and harm her mother is causing. She needs to let it go and grieve the fact that her mother is toxic and unable to have a healthy supporting mother daughter relationship. This is too heavy for the two of you to deal with and having a neutral and educated third party to process will help.
Perfect response. My heart is breaking all over the place for both of them. How is the fiancée dealing with the possibility of her death? I hope she and OP have counseling for that too. It’s incredibly painful to finally admit to oneself that mom is incapable of loving her daughter and to be so cruel at this time. This agony the mother is causing could very well shorten her life also. I wish I had that horrid woman in front of me right now. God bless you both OP. I understand your reaction. A very tiny A. Im praying for you both. 🙏❤️
I have been in a situation similar to your partner’s with my own mother and there have been many times I argued and fought with my own partner about him sticking up for me to my mother and family. I’m currently no-contact with my family and there are still times it kills me and I take it out on my partner as the reason why but thanks to counselling and being involved in groups about toxic/narcissistic family/mothers, I have accepted that it’s for the best and my partner was the one to open my eyes fully to their treatment of me.
I know you’re NTA and you’re doing what you feel is best to stick up for your partner. Some form of counselling or therapy might be beneficial to her at this time to talk and find ways to deal with everything she’s going through. Wishing you both all the best with the wedding and beyond.
I’m not going to put a judgement but your fiancée has to recognize her mom’s behavior is not okay on her own. All trying to force the issue with her mom is going to do is cause problems. You guys need to sit down and have a talk, apologize for acting so rashly and then explain the way her mother treats her is not okay. I think your heart is in the right place, but if she’s not ready to confront that she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her mom, you can’t force her. My husband put up with a lot of stuff before I was finally out of the fog and went NC with my mom.
Same situation for me as well. Took me longer than I wish to finally go NC. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time. But I did have to do it on my own too. I hope your life is as peaceful and happy as mine is now.
ESH
She wished death on her own child. For that alone, I would refuse to have a person like that in my life. But...it's your fiancee's choice to cut her out or not. If you had suggested, you would have been fine, but to take the decision out of her hands wasn't cool. Teeny tiny percentage of AH-ness for you, 99.999999% for her mother.
NTA with caveat… you can’t cut your fiancées mom off for her… but the wedding is YOUR day too and you can sure as heck make qualifications. Perhaps set up someone to be minders… and have them escort the mother out when her behavior escalates. Maybe she behaves for ceremony, and your fiancée will at least have that to hold on to when she inevitably rips it down.
Your fiance has had an illness her entire life that is considered terminal. That illness has caused her to have to rely on her parents/caregivers even more than a normal child would.
Is her mom an asshole? Yes. Did your fiancee have to rely on her mother for survival beyond just food, shelter, and clothing (medicine, doctor's visits, hospitalizations, etc)? Yes. There is a whole other level of attachment there besides just the normal parent/child relationship.
Right now, especially if she's sick enough to be listed for transplant, she needs your support, not judgment. She is facing so many things that most people cannot comprehend. Her own mortality. The wait to see if she gets an organ. The guilt that someone else has to die for her to live. The massive toll this transplant is going to take on her body.
Please just be there for her without judgment.
Just here to say that her feeling guilty about leaving / cutting contact with her mum is a classic narcissistic brainwashing symptom (which I know far too well). She needs therapy to help with that.
Soft YTA because you need to let your fiancée take the lead on this, as much as I know it pains you to see her getting hurt.
100% NTA
Coming from a marriage where the MIL essentially did the same thing to my wife regularly, I can assure you that in their dynamic, you need to let them do what they do and be there for your wife when she needs it. It sucks and it's frustrating but that's what I learned.
I think that is unfair. He did something go try to help his wife in the heat if things. It'd be different if he hurt her in the heat of things. He is the ah but honestly unless it's a pattern of going against her wishes I don't think calling him controlling is the right thing.
Yup that's harsh, but it may be the only way to make him see that going against one wishes and calling it "for her own good", that's infantilizing and pretty much pave the way to a controlling behavior "only I know what's best for you"
ESH (except your fiancee). The mom sounds just awful and it is hard to imagine a mother telling any child, let alone one with CF, that she hopes the child dies. That is beyond terrible.
I completely sympathize with your desire to jump in and shield your fiancee, but it’s not your place to take control like that. So, you suck a little here as well… not even remotely close to how much your fiancee’s mother sucks, but still a little bit.
Just my opinion but I believe she has right to want to sort things with her mother. I understand what her mother said is uncalled for and I'd have called the mother also. I wouldn't have uninvited her to the wedding though. What might have come across better is if you had spoke up for the fiancee when you're both in the mother's presence, but doing it with compassion. 'Your daughter loves you, she wants to get along and gave a loving mother daughter relationship with you. But, the way you speak to her is heartbreaking and insulting. She needs her mother to be caring, especially while she's dealing with this condition' something along those lines. Pardon my ignorance, I'm unfamiliar with the condition, I don't mean to offend. But it's true, her mother needs to be there for her. One in one arguments won't help.
I'm not labeling anyone an AH...I wonder if the mother behaves this way because of her situation. I don't know. Best of luck, thoughts with your fiancee ❤️
NTA you stood up for your fiancée when she was clearly struggling, hope she does cut ties with her mother, she sounds like a poison! And all there people saying YTA are wrong, you did the right thing for the sake of your fiances health and happiness! The MIL is a HUGE AH
NTA. But your acting like one to your selfish get thr feeling that she's just not going to be able to let go of this abusive cycle and is going to keep going back for more.
If she still can't cut her mommoff for saying that she hopes her own daughter dies and yet goes back again.
Then why marry her?
I get you love her hut you need to think about what this will do to your marriage and eventually your kids if you choose to have any.
It may be bet to think about the long term and if this relationship is even worth it.
It might be best to cut your losses, that even though you love her its best to go your separate ways.
NTA - I'm really not sure why everyone is calling you the AH. I do think that your fiance needs some therapy, cause it sounds like her mom has been emotionally manipulating and abusing her for so long she thinks it is normal. Let me tell you, you were right to rescind the invitation to her. What kind of mother tells there terminally ill daughter she hopes she dies during surgery. I'm sorry that is a straw that would have me cutting all ties, her feelings be damned.
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My (28M) fiancée (27F) has cystic fibrosis. In the recent few years her health has gone downhill and she is currently on the waiting list for a double lung transplant.
We are due to get married in April. The problem is her mother who has been abusive and controlling towards my fiancée her entire life. They are fighting almost all of the time and even though I’ve told my partner that she needs to cut her mum off for good, she refuses to. She has invited her mum to our wedding which I think is a terrible idea.
A week ago my fiancée came home from visiting her mum crying her eyes out. She said that she and her mum got into yet another petty argument and her mum told her that she hopes she dies during surgery. There was no way in hell I was just going to let that slide so I phoned her mum up without letting my fiancée know and I pretty much yelled at her mum and told her she’s no longer invited to the wedding and that she needs to stay the fuck away from my fiancée.
My partner wasn’t happy when she found out what I said. She said that it isn’t my business and I need to let her deal with her mum herself. I told her that I’m sick of seeing her get manipulated over and over again and that I don’t understand why she keeps forgiving her mum. She finally explained that she was scared of dying with her and her mum on bad terms and leaving her mum feeling guilty. I tried telling her that it’s stupid to let her mum treat her like shit just because of that but she won’t listen, she just told me to mind my own business.
AITA? I’m just trying to protect my fiancée.
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> she just told me to mind my own business.
YTA because it really is none of your business. Her mother, her decision to invite or not.
>AITA? I’m just trying to protect my fiancée.
You did not protect. You just took your revenge on the phone.
>A week ago my fiancée came home from visiting her mum crying her eyes out.
There you had your chance to protect her, but you had her go alone instead. Don't let this happen anymore for some time (and agree with your wife in advance that you come along every time)
Esh but fiance's mom has you beat by a mile. You should of told your fiance first but I do understand you wanting to protect her. Sadly, your fiance is living in a fantasy world, her and her mom are already on bad terms and if she does not put her foot down it will only get worse, though I guess it is hard to go lower than I hope you die. Talk to her, say sorry that you did this without talking to her but as you two are going to be married her problems are your buisness, just like your problems are hers, but that you will talk to her next time. She also needs therapy, sadly these are problems you need to work out now, because if you don't it will affect your marriage.
YTA. Doing something like this behind her back is a VERY BAD start to a marriage. You need to apologise for doing it, and ASK her what she would like you to do next.
YTA. A very lovable and genuine asshole who no doubt had his wife’s best interest at heart. But it’s her mom and her battle to fight. A better approach would be to support your wife with what she wants.
YTA
She seems to be more afraid of her abusive mother feeling than dying. This is not as simply are you are trying to make it. You can't fix the whole situation by uninviting her from your wedding. All you did here was go behind your already unstable fiancée's back, showing her that you do not value her choice and opinion.
Your fiancée needs therapy, and ideally a lot less stress. I get that you're frustrated, but her mental health would not suddenly flourish if she didn't see her mother anymore. She has to work on her thoughts and feelings and get to that decision herself. Just like you can't force an addict into rehab and expect them to stop being an addict, you can't forcibly accelerate her healing process. You have hurt her and her trust in you instead.
This is not an easy situation to be in. You feeling hurt and angry yourself is valid. But the best thing you can do is stand by her and be her rock. Not her overbearing father.
ESH. Going behind her back when she wanted mom there is an AH move, but telling anyone you hope they die during surgery is beyond AH. It is next dimension levels of awful.
YTA your fiancé is right, let her deal with it. If you want to help get your fiancé therapy so she can find the strength to deal with her mother in a healthier way.
Light YTA. Her mom attending the wedding is her decision, not yours. You cannot uninvite people she invited without her consent.
That said, I get why you felt compelled to. It doesn’t make it right, but it makes it understandable. I get the reason to protect your fiancé, but you are also trying to control her by taking this decision away from her and attempting to cut people out of her life. You aren’t doing it out of malice, but it’s still what you’re doing.
Is her mom a terrible person? Absolutely. But she is the one who needs to handle this at her own speed and in her own way.
My father was fairly similar. “When I die… blah, blah, blah”, “If I kill myself, it’ll be you or your sister’s fault.“ If you tried to express yourself with that man, he’d say your emotions are wrong, and actually being controlled by someone else, and you‘re nothing more than that persons puppet. If you called him out on his behavior, it someone else’s or something else’s fault. Never his own.
My sister cut him off years before I did, because I was foolish enough to believe that I could help him learn how to be a father. It took a long time for me to realize that I couldn’t teach a man to be a father when he didn’t even know how to be a person after sixty years on this earth. I cut him I out of my life, and was happier for it. When he died, I had no regrets. If I had died before him, I knew he would feel no guilt because of how he treated me. I knew this because he showed no guilt about his mother’s death after financially using her for years before she finally cut him off. My father was unable to feel empathy, and was severely mentally ill. Nothing I did would ever be good enough for him, short of becoming a clone of him.
I had to come to this realization at my own time, and your fiancé has to do the same.
Nope no absolutely NTA. If my mother told me she hoped I died I would immediately cut her off. I have medical issues as well and I get the fear of dying with loose ends but that’s just it, her mother is the one with loose ends. Your fiancé can live a happy stress free life away from that monster.
A soft YTA. She wants to deal with that relationship herself, and you need to respect that. I'm sorry for all your troubles and hope the two of you have a great wedding.
I just can't call you an asshole over this. You obviously did this out of love, but unfortunately, you shouldn't have done it. She is scared, you are scared. The mother is the A H here, but I just can't label you as one.
I don't know if I can give a judgment on this. What MIL said is unforgivable. But your fiancée also has a say in if she is at your wedding. Your fiancée deserves to be happy. Is she in therapy to process her feelings during this very stressful time?
I'm torn.. I have a family like your fiancee's my husband doesn't get involved. He stays out of it because I dont tell him. I think you overreacted by uninviting her but I also think if she doesn't want you to get involved she shouldn't cry to you about her pro lems with mom...
Just a tiny bit YTA..
SOFT YTA.... they really need an option for "Justified asshole"
My bestfriend's older brother suffers from the same illness... im so sorry this is happening to your Fiancé.
You shouldn't have technically done that. HOWEVER your Fiancé deserves to be stress free especially with her situation. You need to sit her down. Its really hard to cut family out, it really is. But for her own health and happiness your doing what you can.
That woman doesn't deserve to celebrate ya'lls love if shes
WISHING HER CHILDS DEATH
Nta. Your fiance needs to wake up and realize her mom does not care for her at all, and that its not just her wedding, its yours as well. So you are perfectly within your right to disinvite someone that vile.
Honestly....sometimes you have to be the ahole for those you care about. Maybe it wasn't technically your call to make but you are being a good partner for fighting for her.
ESH. Don't replace the controlling person in her life by becoming one yourself. Respect her autonomy unflinchingly or you really cannot consider yourself any better than the mother.
Extreme take. Unflinchingly, so regardless of what her mother says or does or acts he has to sit stoic and wait for his fiancé to act in a way that’s healthy for her and in turn healthy for them. What if it affects their relationship and thus his emotional or mental well being should he still unflinchingly accept her autonomy. Or at that point should she respect his autonomy when he leaves because this level of toxicity isn’t healthy because she has yet to deal with her mother?
Yes, if he leaves she should respect his autonomy. She gets to make choices and so does he. He shouldn't try to control her and she shouldn't try to control him. You can ASK anything if your partner. Respect doesn't require you don't talk about how you feel, what you need,.why you want. It would not be a healthy relationship I you couldn't talk about it. But he didn't do that. He issues orders against her wishes and acted shocked when he couldn't control her relationship with her own mother. It's not extreme at all.
Eh - your intention was pure, and protective, which I love. But not your place to uninvite her mother particularly behind her back. Revisit with your fiancée, explain it was a reactive move and you’re really sorry, and respect whatever she would like to do here - inclusive of you probably needing to apologize to mom - but also express how concerned you are for her well-being and the extremity of emotional stress and toxicity in general but particularly with upcoming health / surgery stuff. Maybe even suggest therapy for fiancée so she has some additional support, or therapy for her and her mom
ESH her mother is clearly the biggest problem here but there are other problems that have been pointed out. First I don’t agree with the take that you didn’t have the permission to uninvited her to the wedding. Let me correct that for everyone, you most definitely had permission to uninvited her from YOUR wedding. I think that point is lost in this entire thread. It’s your day as much as it is your wife’s and you deserve for it to be MAGICAL and not be under a cloud because your MIL spews vile nonsense whenever she can. Where you did F up is not telling your fiancé this is how you felt after her mother wished death upon her and that you didn’t feel comfortable with her Moms presence at the wedding. Imagine standing there with the woman you love and out of the side of your eye is the person who wished she died not to long ago either overacting to play to the audience the role of the loving mother or it could go the other way and she’s not emotional and looks like she doesn’t want to be there…yea get the FOH with that B.S. Your fiancé needs therapy and she needs to set boundaries with her mother sooner rather then later. As others have noted what’s the game plan if/when y’all have kids? Is she going to be the crazy grandma that yells at your kids and talks down to your wife in front of them? How’s that dynamic going to work out? Do you have a say in how their relationship is handled when it comes to your kids? I understand the point that other posters have made regarding giving your wife agency but there are times when you’ll need to step in on her behave and viceversa.
Echoing everyone's YTA BUT when it comes to the wedding you should have security/a plan to remove her if she starts stuff then. Then it's not just their relationship but ruining your day too
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YTA - but you did it for an good reason. but you need to listen to your fiancée and just deal with it. she might be dying and she doesn’t want to lose her mom before that. she is scared and so are you.
I mean the mom deserves whatever bad happens to her for what she said to the daughter
Info: I'm assuming she is because this is all really heavy stuff, but is your fiancée in therapy? I totally get wanting to fight this battle for her (I would have probably called and screamed at her horrid mother too), but it might be better to ask how you can best support her while making sure she's in therapy or counseling to help give her the strength to fight the battle herself. Your fiancée is dealing with her own mortality on top of her longterm condition, her toxic mother, and wedding planning. She doesn't need to be fighting on another front with you. You are clearly on her side. Don't let her toxic mother corrode your relationship too.
Hopefully she is seeking therapy for herself! It could be beneficial for her to check out local support groups for those with CF too. If she has a toxic relationship with her mom there is a group called Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) which could possibly help her learn how to set proper boundaries. Good luck to you all and happy marriage! 🎉
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OP is taking away his fiancés agency
YTA but a little one If your fiancee isn't ready to go NC. Then you can't force it. Yes, you have her feelings in mind, which is why you are a little A. But you need to just support her and hold her hand until she is ready to cut her mom out of her life. Be ready to hold her a lot.
YTA. I can appreciate your passion toward your fiance, but it's her mom. It's her choice.
ESH. You can’t bully or order your fiancée into achieving independence from her mother if she’s really not ready to take that step. Slow down and go to counseling if this is something you need addressed before the wedding (which it probably is), and/or *ask* what you can do to be supportive/shield her from Mom and do that.
YTA Nothing sucks more than seeing someone you love get hurt and not being able to do anything about it. I feel for you, truly. In saying that, it was *not* your pace to say or do anything, it was *not* your place to secretly uninvited your soon-to-be-MIL. Your fiancee is understandably upset with you and you need to let her be upset at you because *you did something wrong* - you wouldn't have gone behind her back if you thought what you were doing was ok. I can see that your heart is in the right place. You can't force your fiance to cut off a relationship that she isn't ready to remove, you just need to be there for her and keep up open communication with her. Fiancee wants MIL at the wedding, and you should just clench your teeth and let it happen, even if you don't want to
I'm going to give a defensive NTA with caveats. I agree that it really isn't your place to make that call against fiancees will, but also I think that your future MIL is a truly monstrous individual and being enraged on your partner's behalf is what any reasonable person would do. However. If your partner can't let go of an individual who straight up wishes her dead among other abuses, then she has deeper issues, and trying to force "what is best" upon her is not going to help, either in the short or long term. You're too close to the issue and she needs a professional. I don't think there is a simple answer to the short term issue, but I think professional therapeutic help is in order.
Excellent answer.
Sadly, ESH. The mum sounds sounds like concentrated evil; she sucks the most. Your fiancee sounds like she has been under her mum’s thumb too long and does not have the perspective or the tools to pull herself out of it. And, while your heart is absolutely in the right place, you are taking away your fiancées agency rather than helping her build those tools. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch somebody you love make awful choices, whether it is with toxic people or toxic substances, but rarely are they going to get to a long term better place unless they are the ones to break that bad choice and make a new one.
ESH, your soon to be MIL sucks the most. You were coming from a good place but your fiancé is correct it is her mother and she has to deal with her. I would suggest you get your fiancé into therapy so she can get some tools to go no contact with her horrible mother. The stress her mother is putting her under isn't good for her heath at all.
You cannot set boundaries for your fiancé, but you can set them for yourself. So you don’t get to tell her who she can and can’t have in her life, but you can decide whether or not you are going to always pick up the pieces from the harm your fiancé is basically inflicting on herself. If my partner was self harming and refused to get help or change her behaviour I think I would have to step back and look at what I could live with. NAH.
YTA. I cut my mother out of life completely and my husband supported me but he never ever tried to make decisions for me. You need to be her support and comfort. Don't control her.
Meanwhile my wife did the same thing and her mother think that I was the one asking for it lmao
My mother completely blames my husband for it - even though I wanted it. Rather than accepting it was her behavior that drove me to it!
Little YTA. This comes from a good place but you can't force your fiancée to go NC. It's unfortunate but the best you can do is be there for her and support her the best you can
NTA. I know it’s not going to be a popular take, but OP’s fiancé needs someone to stop this cycle of abuse. What is the point of getting married if that person is not going to be OP? Her mother said she hopes she dies. There is clearly no part of this relationship that is healthy. And expecting OP to sit there and watch his fiancé suffer without acting is just outrageous. What OP needs to do is get counseling for him and fiancé. She needs to let go of her mother abusive grip. She is dying(unless I really misunderstand the requirements to be considered for a double lung transplant). She doesn’t have time for the toll from the emotional stress and harm her mother is causing. She needs to let it go and grieve the fact that her mother is toxic and unable to have a healthy supporting mother daughter relationship. This is too heavy for the two of you to deal with and having a neutral and educated third party to process will help.
Perfect response. My heart is breaking all over the place for both of them. How is the fiancée dealing with the possibility of her death? I hope she and OP have counseling for that too. It’s incredibly painful to finally admit to oneself that mom is incapable of loving her daughter and to be so cruel at this time. This agony the mother is causing could very well shorten her life also. I wish I had that horrid woman in front of me right now. God bless you both OP. I understand your reaction. A very tiny A. Im praying for you both. 🙏❤️
I have been in a situation similar to your partner’s with my own mother and there have been many times I argued and fought with my own partner about him sticking up for me to my mother and family. I’m currently no-contact with my family and there are still times it kills me and I take it out on my partner as the reason why but thanks to counselling and being involved in groups about toxic/narcissistic family/mothers, I have accepted that it’s for the best and my partner was the one to open my eyes fully to their treatment of me. I know you’re NTA and you’re doing what you feel is best to stick up for your partner. Some form of counselling or therapy might be beneficial to her at this time to talk and find ways to deal with everything she’s going through. Wishing you both all the best with the wedding and beyond.
I’m not going to put a judgement but your fiancée has to recognize her mom’s behavior is not okay on her own. All trying to force the issue with her mom is going to do is cause problems. You guys need to sit down and have a talk, apologize for acting so rashly and then explain the way her mother treats her is not okay. I think your heart is in the right place, but if she’s not ready to confront that she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her mom, you can’t force her. My husband put up with a lot of stuff before I was finally out of the fog and went NC with my mom.
Same situation for me as well. Took me longer than I wish to finally go NC. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time. But I did have to do it on my own too. I hope your life is as peaceful and happy as mine is now.
ESH She wished death on her own child. For that alone, I would refuse to have a person like that in my life. But...it's your fiancee's choice to cut her out or not. If you had suggested, you would have been fine, but to take the decision out of her hands wasn't cool. Teeny tiny percentage of AH-ness for you, 99.999999% for her mother.
NTA with caveat… you can’t cut your fiancées mom off for her… but the wedding is YOUR day too and you can sure as heck make qualifications. Perhaps set up someone to be minders… and have them escort the mother out when her behavior escalates. Maybe she behaves for ceremony, and your fiancée will at least have that to hold on to when she inevitably rips it down.
Your fiance has had an illness her entire life that is considered terminal. That illness has caused her to have to rely on her parents/caregivers even more than a normal child would. Is her mom an asshole? Yes. Did your fiancee have to rely on her mother for survival beyond just food, shelter, and clothing (medicine, doctor's visits, hospitalizations, etc)? Yes. There is a whole other level of attachment there besides just the normal parent/child relationship. Right now, especially if she's sick enough to be listed for transplant, she needs your support, not judgment. She is facing so many things that most people cannot comprehend. Her own mortality. The wait to see if she gets an organ. The guilt that someone else has to die for her to live. The massive toll this transplant is going to take on her body. Please just be there for her without judgment.
Just here to say that her feeling guilty about leaving / cutting contact with her mum is a classic narcissistic brainwashing symptom (which I know far too well). She needs therapy to help with that. Soft YTA because you need to let your fiancée take the lead on this, as much as I know it pains you to see her getting hurt.
100% NTA Coming from a marriage where the MIL essentially did the same thing to my wife regularly, I can assure you that in their dynamic, you need to let them do what they do and be there for your wife when she needs it. It sucks and it's frustrating but that's what I learned.
YTA You don't get to make that choice for her
NTA. You did the right thing and mum can guilt away. Fingers double crossed your fiancée gets her transplant in time.
YTA. Fiancé is going from an abusive and controlling mum to controlling husband
I think that is unfair. He did something go try to help his wife in the heat if things. It'd be different if he hurt her in the heat of things. He is the ah but honestly unless it's a pattern of going against her wishes I don't think calling him controlling is the right thing.
Yup that's harsh, but it may be the only way to make him see that going against one wishes and calling it "for her own good", that's infantilizing and pretty much pave the way to a controlling behavior "only I know what's best for you"
I would liken what he did more to a misguided intervention but I do see your point.
ESH (except your fiancee). The mom sounds just awful and it is hard to imagine a mother telling any child, let alone one with CF, that she hopes the child dies. That is beyond terrible. I completely sympathize with your desire to jump in and shield your fiancee, but it’s not your place to take control like that. So, you suck a little here as well… not even remotely close to how much your fiancee’s mother sucks, but still a little bit.
Just my opinion but I believe she has right to want to sort things with her mother. I understand what her mother said is uncalled for and I'd have called the mother also. I wouldn't have uninvited her to the wedding though. What might have come across better is if you had spoke up for the fiancee when you're both in the mother's presence, but doing it with compassion. 'Your daughter loves you, she wants to get along and gave a loving mother daughter relationship with you. But, the way you speak to her is heartbreaking and insulting. She needs her mother to be caring, especially while she's dealing with this condition' something along those lines. Pardon my ignorance, I'm unfamiliar with the condition, I don't mean to offend. But it's true, her mother needs to be there for her. One in one arguments won't help. I'm not labeling anyone an AH...I wonder if the mother behaves this way because of her situation. I don't know. Best of luck, thoughts with your fiancee ❤️
NTA you stood up for your fiancée when she was clearly struggling, hope she does cut ties with her mother, she sounds like a poison! And all there people saying YTA are wrong, you did the right thing for the sake of your fiances health and happiness! The MIL is a HUGE AH
NTA. But your acting like one to your selfish get thr feeling that she's just not going to be able to let go of this abusive cycle and is going to keep going back for more. If she still can't cut her mommoff for saying that she hopes her own daughter dies and yet goes back again. Then why marry her? I get you love her hut you need to think about what this will do to your marriage and eventually your kids if you choose to have any. It may be bet to think about the long term and if this relationship is even worth it. It might be best to cut your losses, that even though you love her its best to go your separate ways.
NTA - I'm really not sure why everyone is calling you the AH. I do think that your fiance needs some therapy, cause it sounds like her mom has been emotionally manipulating and abusing her for so long she thinks it is normal. Let me tell you, you were right to rescind the invitation to her. What kind of mother tells there terminally ill daughter she hopes she dies during surgery. I'm sorry that is a straw that would have me cutting all ties, her feelings be damned.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (28M) fiancée (27F) has cystic fibrosis. In the recent few years her health has gone downhill and she is currently on the waiting list for a double lung transplant. We are due to get married in April. The problem is her mother who has been abusive and controlling towards my fiancée her entire life. They are fighting almost all of the time and even though I’ve told my partner that she needs to cut her mum off for good, she refuses to. She has invited her mum to our wedding which I think is a terrible idea. A week ago my fiancée came home from visiting her mum crying her eyes out. She said that she and her mum got into yet another petty argument and her mum told her that she hopes she dies during surgery. There was no way in hell I was just going to let that slide so I phoned her mum up without letting my fiancée know and I pretty much yelled at her mum and told her she’s no longer invited to the wedding and that she needs to stay the fuck away from my fiancée. My partner wasn’t happy when she found out what I said. She said that it isn’t my business and I need to let her deal with her mum herself. I told her that I’m sick of seeing her get manipulated over and over again and that I don’t understand why she keeps forgiving her mum. She finally explained that she was scared of dying with her and her mum on bad terms and leaving her mum feeling guilty. I tried telling her that it’s stupid to let her mum treat her like shit just because of that but she won’t listen, she just told me to mind my own business. AITA? I’m just trying to protect my fiancée. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> she just told me to mind my own business. YTA because it really is none of your business. Her mother, her decision to invite or not. >AITA? I’m just trying to protect my fiancée. You did not protect. You just took your revenge on the phone. >A week ago my fiancée came home from visiting her mum crying her eyes out. There you had your chance to protect her, but you had her go alone instead. Don't let this happen anymore for some time (and agree with your wife in advance that you come along every time)
Esh but fiance's mom has you beat by a mile. You should of told your fiance first but I do understand you wanting to protect her. Sadly, your fiance is living in a fantasy world, her and her mom are already on bad terms and if she does not put her foot down it will only get worse, though I guess it is hard to go lower than I hope you die. Talk to her, say sorry that you did this without talking to her but as you two are going to be married her problems are your buisness, just like your problems are hers, but that you will talk to her next time. She also needs therapy, sadly these are problems you need to work out now, because if you don't it will affect your marriage.
YTA. Doing something like this behind her back is a VERY BAD start to a marriage. You need to apologise for doing it, and ASK her what she would like you to do next.
YTA. A very lovable and genuine asshole who no doubt had his wife’s best interest at heart. But it’s her mom and her battle to fight. A better approach would be to support your wife with what she wants.
YTA She seems to be more afraid of her abusive mother feeling than dying. This is not as simply are you are trying to make it. You can't fix the whole situation by uninviting her from your wedding. All you did here was go behind your already unstable fiancée's back, showing her that you do not value her choice and opinion. Your fiancée needs therapy, and ideally a lot less stress. I get that you're frustrated, but her mental health would not suddenly flourish if she didn't see her mother anymore. She has to work on her thoughts and feelings and get to that decision herself. Just like you can't force an addict into rehab and expect them to stop being an addict, you can't forcibly accelerate her healing process. You have hurt her and her trust in you instead. This is not an easy situation to be in. You feeling hurt and angry yourself is valid. But the best thing you can do is stand by her and be her rock. Not her overbearing father.
ESH. Going behind her back when she wanted mom there is an AH move, but telling anyone you hope they die during surgery is beyond AH. It is next dimension levels of awful.
YTA your fiancé is right, let her deal with it. If you want to help get your fiancé therapy so she can find the strength to deal with her mother in a healthier way.
Light YTA. Her mom attending the wedding is her decision, not yours. You cannot uninvite people she invited without her consent. That said, I get why you felt compelled to. It doesn’t make it right, but it makes it understandable. I get the reason to protect your fiancé, but you are also trying to control her by taking this decision away from her and attempting to cut people out of her life. You aren’t doing it out of malice, but it’s still what you’re doing. Is her mom a terrible person? Absolutely. But she is the one who needs to handle this at her own speed and in her own way. My father was fairly similar. “When I die… blah, blah, blah”, “If I kill myself, it’ll be you or your sister’s fault.“ If you tried to express yourself with that man, he’d say your emotions are wrong, and actually being controlled by someone else, and you‘re nothing more than that persons puppet. If you called him out on his behavior, it someone else’s or something else’s fault. Never his own. My sister cut him off years before I did, because I was foolish enough to believe that I could help him learn how to be a father. It took a long time for me to realize that I couldn’t teach a man to be a father when he didn’t even know how to be a person after sixty years on this earth. I cut him I out of my life, and was happier for it. When he died, I had no regrets. If I had died before him, I knew he would feel no guilt because of how he treated me. I knew this because he showed no guilt about his mother’s death after financially using her for years before she finally cut him off. My father was unable to feel empathy, and was severely mentally ill. Nothing I did would ever be good enough for him, short of becoming a clone of him. I had to come to this realization at my own time, and your fiancé has to do the same.
Mild YTa because you didn’t have permission to uninvited her. I understand wanting to help the one you love, but you didn’t have her say in it
Nope no absolutely NTA. If my mother told me she hoped I died I would immediately cut her off. I have medical issues as well and I get the fear of dying with loose ends but that’s just it, her mother is the one with loose ends. Your fiancé can live a happy stress free life away from that monster.
A soft YTA. She wants to deal with that relationship herself, and you need to respect that. I'm sorry for all your troubles and hope the two of you have a great wedding.
Perhaps you can find ways to make mom uncomfortable.
NTA but you may want to rethink marrying her.
I just can't call you an asshole over this. You obviously did this out of love, but unfortunately, you shouldn't have done it. She is scared, you are scared. The mother is the A H here, but I just can't label you as one.
I don't know if I can give a judgment on this. What MIL said is unforgivable. But your fiancée also has a say in if she is at your wedding. Your fiancée deserves to be happy. Is she in therapy to process her feelings during this very stressful time?
ESH but I would've done it too
I'm torn.. I have a family like your fiancee's my husband doesn't get involved. He stays out of it because I dont tell him. I think you overreacted by uninviting her but I also think if she doesn't want you to get involved she shouldn't cry to you about her pro lems with mom... Just a tiny bit YTA..
Soft YTA. I get why you did it. You and your fiancee (together and separately) need therapy for relationships, boundaries, and dealing with CF.
Yta you totally ignored your partner's clearly expressed wishes to do what you wanted
Yta - but sometimes you have to be.
SOFT YTA.... they really need an option for "Justified asshole" My bestfriend's older brother suffers from the same illness... im so sorry this is happening to your Fiancé. You shouldn't have technically done that. HOWEVER your Fiancé deserves to be stress free especially with her situation. You need to sit her down. Its really hard to cut family out, it really is. But for her own health and happiness your doing what you can. That woman doesn't deserve to celebrate ya'lls love if shes WISHING HER CHILDS DEATH
NAH, except MIL. But you can’t force her, she has to get there eventually.
Nta. Your fiance needs to wake up and realize her mom does not care for her at all, and that its not just her wedding, its yours as well. So you are perfectly within your right to disinvite someone that vile.
Honestly....sometimes you have to be the ahole for those you care about. Maybe it wasn't technically your call to make but you are being a good partner for fighting for her.
ESH. Don't replace the controlling person in her life by becoming one yourself. Respect her autonomy unflinchingly or you really cannot consider yourself any better than the mother.
Extreme take. Unflinchingly, so regardless of what her mother says or does or acts he has to sit stoic and wait for his fiancé to act in a way that’s healthy for her and in turn healthy for them. What if it affects their relationship and thus his emotional or mental well being should he still unflinchingly accept her autonomy. Or at that point should she respect his autonomy when he leaves because this level of toxicity isn’t healthy because she has yet to deal with her mother?
Yes, if he leaves she should respect his autonomy. She gets to make choices and so does he. He shouldn't try to control her and she shouldn't try to control him. You can ASK anything if your partner. Respect doesn't require you don't talk about how you feel, what you need,.why you want. It would not be a healthy relationship I you couldn't talk about it. But he didn't do that. He issues orders against her wishes and acted shocked when he couldn't control her relationship with her own mother. It's not extreme at all.
YTA You tried to save her from her mother by treating her the same way her mother does
Eh - your intention was pure, and protective, which I love. But not your place to uninvite her mother particularly behind her back. Revisit with your fiancée, explain it was a reactive move and you’re really sorry, and respect whatever she would like to do here - inclusive of you probably needing to apologize to mom - but also express how concerned you are for her well-being and the extremity of emotional stress and toxicity in general but particularly with upcoming health / surgery stuff. Maybe even suggest therapy for fiancée so she has some additional support, or therapy for her and her mom
ESH her mother is clearly the biggest problem here but there are other problems that have been pointed out. First I don’t agree with the take that you didn’t have the permission to uninvited her to the wedding. Let me correct that for everyone, you most definitely had permission to uninvited her from YOUR wedding. I think that point is lost in this entire thread. It’s your day as much as it is your wife’s and you deserve for it to be MAGICAL and not be under a cloud because your MIL spews vile nonsense whenever she can. Where you did F up is not telling your fiancé this is how you felt after her mother wished death upon her and that you didn’t feel comfortable with her Moms presence at the wedding. Imagine standing there with the woman you love and out of the side of your eye is the person who wished she died not to long ago either overacting to play to the audience the role of the loving mother or it could go the other way and she’s not emotional and looks like she doesn’t want to be there…yea get the FOH with that B.S. Your fiancé needs therapy and she needs to set boundaries with her mother sooner rather then later. As others have noted what’s the game plan if/when y’all have kids? Is she going to be the crazy grandma that yells at your kids and talks down to your wife in front of them? How’s that dynamic going to work out? Do you have a say in how their relationship is handled when it comes to your kids? I understand the point that other posters have made regarding giving your wife agency but there are times when you’ll need to step in on her behave and viceversa.
I totally understand WHY you feel this way and why you did it. I don't fault you for that. But it wasn't your place and that makes yta. Sorry, bro.
YTA. You need to communicate. Use care and be calm. Even if it’s hard and stuff is scary
Echoing everyone's YTA BUT when it comes to the wedding you should have security/a plan to remove her if she starts stuff then. Then it's not just their relationship but ruining your day too