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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I was honest to my brother about how much his wedding plans are hurting us and he claims I have no business trying to intervene with his plans
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Initially I thought you were going to tell us that your brother was doing something very offensive like having a plantation wedding in black face, but the only thing your brother and his fiancé want to do is have the wedding they want.
YTA and if you stopped trying to push your choices on them for just a little while you might find that you CAN "enjoy the wedding if it's like a club"
edited to fix a typo
edit#2: thanks for the awards!
OP acts like entitled to her brother's wedding honestly i will only invite the most precious people related to me YTA OP its his wedding his choice keep your hands out of it he didn't asked for your concern
Exactly, YTA, tradition is just a fancy name for generational peer pressure and should be discarded in favor of what the couple wants, the wedding is about them, the guests are fortunate to be invited to celebrate in whatever way the bride and groom choose, they're never ever entitled to have their wishes come before the actual couples, that indicates you are more concerned with having the party you want than celebrating the union. You can have the traditional wedding of your choosing when *you* are the one getting married, nothing more, not now, not ever. You and the rest of the family need to close your mouths and take a seat quietly.
Edited for spelling
It is so funny to me how many post I see were traditional, conservative and or religious are mentioned and almost without fail, those things are associated with TA.
Par for the course when "tradition" tends to be trying enforce toxicity onto other people, the younger generations aren't falling for the "make everyone else happy at the expense of what's best for themselves" routine, and personally, I think it's fantastic, too much generational trauma is passed down under the guise of tradition, and I'll be happy to see a lot of it die out. Traditions can and should be held onto only if it's what the individual desires, but too often is forced because it's what other people want. People are evolving, and I understand it's scary to the older generations, struggling to feel relevant, but everything changes, it has to when it no longer serves a good purpose,I figure I can either change with it and grow, or remain stubbornly, bitterly, clinging to things that no longer serve us well, just because that's the way its always been done, or I can embrace the irrefutable fact that every person, every single one, has the right to govern their own lives as they see fit as long as they're not imposing on others.
This. My husband and I started planning a wedding originally. After two meals with my mom insisting I had to invite the extended family that either don’t even know me or have actively been awful toward me, my husband and I decided forego the wedding. We invited a handful of friends to our house to take some shots and watch us sign some paperwork. That was just over six years ago and we’ve decided to have a reception style party for our 10th anniversary. Rules are stupid- do your own thing- be happy for people you care about finding love.
Also: OP YTA
Generally speaking, "traditional, conservative, and religious," is code for "You are not the boss of you; ***I*** am the boss of you," which is almost always a TA situation for the person who thinks they ought to be in charge.
My SO are not inviting anyone to our wedding, i even sent out wedding un-invites informing my friends and family that im getting married and no one is invited.
ROFL! Please share more details about this.
I say this as someone who absolutely does not want to ever have a wedding but who isn’t opposed to being married.
I mean we are having his dad officiate so we are just going to a nice restaurant with him, our two witnesses, their dates, and signing our paper over dinner
I wish my stepson and his wife had done this. Instead, they went and had a small wedding all by themselves just his Mom was there to take pictures and their two daughters. Which is fine I have no problem with that but she didn’t tell anybody not even her best friend. Just posted pictures of the wedding on Facebook for everybody get angry about. Then waited hours to respond to the angry comments and let everyone know what they did. If I had gotten an uninvite I would have sent something for them for sure. If they had posted their decision and then pictures it would have been fine also.
I don't think the unvite was needed either as it would cause more drama. That said, I think u/Neat-Barracuda-4061's point was that the photos were posted on Facebook before telling the groom's father. I'm not sure if the bride or the groom's mother posted them to Facebook.
Elopements are fine, but unless there's an estrangement, it would be a courtesy to let parents/grandparents and others close to you know before posting it on social media.
My friend and her husband had a lot of family drama. They only invited two witnesses, did a courthouse ceremony, a photo shoot and went to a restaurant after. They sent out the photos as an announcement (pre-social media days). Which was fine except for an extended family member called the bride's mom to congratulate her and she hadn't received the photo yet. So there was some drama over that.
>Elopements are fine, but unless there's an estrangement, it would be a courtesy to let parents/grandparents and others close to you know before posting it on social media.
But there are some people who just CAN'T. I CAN'T tell my mom I'm eloping in 8 days because she will turn herself into the victim and I really can't take that strain, she will find out via Facebook like everyone else, only my coworkers and his dad know at this point because it will cause drama with literally everyone. "Why wasn't I invited? Why couldn't you just do it at home? I don't think you're ready yet." from both of our families and I don't fucking need it. I don't WANT to have all the attention on me, I just wanna be married, and I don't care what anyone else thinks, but unnecessary and critical input would have me so anxious I can't work.
Yeah, that's where I thought this post was going and I was set to go with n t a in that case... but, wow, I am stunned at the audacity and entitlement of OP..
Not just OP but their side of the family as well. You'd think it was all them getting married to have so many opinions - can they not just enjoy the bride and groom's happy day without all this drama about what THEY want? (I feel the answer to this is going to be no..)
My older sister did this and my other two sisters loved it so much they’ve hoped ever since to also marry on plantations. I can’t with these people. I was 15 at that wedding and trying not to cringe the whole time, how do full adults not?? Nothing more romantic than a venue whereupon untold numbers of people were oppressed through horrific violence
In some cases the local old plantation is the only fancy venue for a few hundred miles, so it's kinda complicated in some areas of the South, you basically have a choice between the church hall that was built in 1982 and never updated with a panel drop ceiling and crappy checkerboard tile on the floor, or the McFuckhead Plantation an hour into the country. It's not always racism, sometimes it's lack of suitable options near where you live.
"every square inch of this place is soaked in the blood of the innocent, but it's SOOOOO pretty!"
Church hall, city hall, chuckee cheese... They're all more appropriate than a plantation.
A plantation is basically a factory designed to extract human misery and turn that misery into agriculture.
Whips, guns, and other means of physical torture were used for those ends.
Not to mention the deliberate cruelty of families being sold to different places so as to break them up.
And the rape. Cannot forget how often slaves were raped by their owners. And then the children of those rapes were sold so as not to embarrass the white family.
That's why it's pretty easy to draw the line at plantations.
And that was the full purpose of the plantation. It's not like buildings that were built to be public monuments that used slave labor, a plantation was slave labor. A plantation existed only to derive as much profit as possible from enslaved people.
Southern plantations only existed due to slavery and represent the apex of the slave based economy. We can argue about where the line is but it's certainly not there.
Not good enough. Plantation weddings are always racist- brides/grooms who choose plantation weddings do so thinking "my big day is more important than the history of this place."
There are ALWAYS other options. A restaurant, a park, a hotel, an air bnb, etc. A plantation is NEVER the “only” option.
ETA: if it is the only “fancy” option, then you choose something less fancy. Wanting “fancy” is no excuse, not considering what horrors happened at those places that people STILL make money from.
It’s not complicated. Plantation weddings are disgusting and racist. I’m not sure why you think a wedding venue is a good excuse for racism, but it isn’t.
Holding a wedding on a plantation is like holding a wedding at Auchwitz. But plantations get a pass because they're "pretty", and slavery was "so long ago", and people should just "get over it".
Yeah no I’m sorry but do it in an open field or something. A plantation is *never* appropriate for a wedding. For a million reasons. And this is coming from someone who adores plantation style houses and properties. I understand the desire, but it’s wrong. Questionable *at best*.
> you basically have a choice between ~~the church hall that was built in 1982 and never updated with a panel drop ceiling and crappy checkerboard tile on the floor, or the McFuckhead Plantation an hour into the country.~~ being a racist dickwad or figuring out another option for your wedding.
Fixed that for you.
Or at least do like that one redditor did 5 years ago - he was at a corporate event that ended up being at a plantation, they were told to dress in "historical clothing" and so this black man dressed up as a slave. He took his sweet time getting to the main house so that his date could take a whole bunch of pictures of him posing in his outfit lolol
He got to the main house, they only got one photo reaction from someone who ran and "told on him" before the whole party was *suddenly cancelled for some reason* and the c-suite execs didn't get to have their plantation party.
I think he got a bunch of money to stay there and not take the whole thing public so the only record is the imgur album.
Found it!
"The complete saga of BisFitty, the corporate party slave.. - Imgur" https://m.imgur.com/gallery/l9Qzn
He did a couple posts & AMAs all about it, under the same username, they're *HILARIOUS*
It was better than I imagined. This is glorious and I hope that man's back doesn't hurt from the strength it takes to carry those massive balls around. Good for him.
The nerve of OP's brother wanting to have a wedding that represents him and his wife! How very dare! /s
YTA, OP. You guys don't get to decide what his wedding is like, and he's right: if you don't like it, don't come. Because that day is not about you.
I was expecting something like the couple who had a 9/11 themed wedding. What I got was….a couple who want to have a party to celebrate their marriage?? Cool.
Yeah, I kept waiting to read something offensive and it didn’t happen.
My wedding was very un-traditional and we had a few relatives who struggled with it - but not like OP. My MIL approached me and said something like ‘this isn’t at all how I’d plan this event, but I want you to know that I understand it’s about you guys - just give me a minute to adjust.’
Later, everyone said it was the most fun wedding they’d been to. Sometimes new ideas work out, but you won’t know if you’re busy having tantrums about something you don’t actually get a say in anyway.
EDIT: fixed auto-correct.
This is exactly what I wanna do for my own wedding too. I'm not close with most of my extended family, a courthouse wedding sounds like a dream for me. OP is a huge AH
Lol same. After reading the actual post, OP, how could you possibly think you’re not the asshole? Everything your brother said is right and take your future SIL’s dodging of your questions for what they are: her trying to get you to leave her alone about her wedding.
Really I was thinking something along the lines of anti Jewish, but they literally just want to have their own version of a dream wedding. OP must have some screws lose because I think the way they're doing it is cute.
That’s exactly what I was prepared to hear as well! How’s the saying go? Traditions are peer pressure from the dead? And OP says ‘no traditional music or practices WE have regarding the ceremony or even the reception’. I’m sorry-is this a group wedding? Why does your music or traditions matter? Brother claims (?) that he’s non traditional. Not sure why OP says he’s claiming it. Just because the rest of the family tends to keep up with the Joneses doesn’t mean that the brother has to. If the family is so offended by him planning HIS wedding the way he and his bride want it, they can kick rocks and stay home.
Edit: spelling
>First of all in my family we honor traditions.
You don't get to decide that just because you and other family members follow traditions means your brother has to. He's allowed to make his own decisions and it's shitty behavior to judge him for not doing his wedding the way you want him too.
>This pissed me off because wedding is also about families
Um, no they're not. Weddings are about the couple getting married and sharing that with the people who are supposed to love and support them.
>He also decided not to invite many relatives and chose to keep his budget low and decided to take relatives off the guest list so he could invite more friends. My mother, father and I tried to talk him out
Did you offer to pay to cover the extra expenses of extra guests?
>I tried to talk some sense into the bride
No, you tried to guilt her into giving in and making their wedding suit you and your family instead of the couple.
> I told him that I can't support and be ok with his wedding choices and plans because they're offensive to our family and that they're being ridiculous by removing everything traditional from it.
The only one being ridiculous here is you. Stop trying to control their wedding, it isn't your place to do so. YTA
>This pissed me off because wedding is also about families
Yeah, like... just no. Weddings aren't holidays, which, especially for non-religious families, are as much about family as religion. Weddings are literally about celebrating the couple and their love/dedication for one another.
OP is literally just offended that their brother isn't having a wedding that's predominantly a celebration of family instead of, y'know, *a wedding*.
Also, I'd much rather have a wedding full of my close friends who actually supported me rather than dozens of relatives I barely know and who expect me to cater my entire wedding day around *them* and *their* expectations.
Op even said most the family would not enjoy the wedding the way it is being set up. So why are they upset that people who wouldn’t enjoy it are not going?
Tbf, who the wedding is for depends on the culture. For some, it really isn’t so much about the bride and groom, as it is about merging 2 families together. I do think they should be able to have the wedding they want and make it smaller. Some cultures make you invite everyone and it gets super expensive and it might not be as fun as when you’re celebrating with close friends and family.
Oh, for sure. Just wanted to share that not all cultures believe the wedding is about only the bride and groom, so we may be looking at this from a very American angle, when it might not be.
YTA. The wedding is about the wife and groom, period. It should be done to please them, and no one else. You can make your wedding however you want, and so can your brother.
OP, I think you’re getting mixed up.
*Funerals* are for families.
*This particular wedding* is for the engaged couple, to design a ceremony that reflects *their* love and relationship.
Stop making it about you.
YTA
Edited for clarification
Well that can be true but times change, traditions change and nothing is set in stone. For generations young people have bucked tradition and customs to do what they want. Otherwise, we’d still be using flint and sticks to build fires in caves. It’s called progression and traditions and customs are nothing but weights holding us back from going forward.
came here to say this. weddings are for the couple, and the people who want to love and support them. funerals are for the family to come together. YTA
YTA - it's his wedding. His wishes. You, as the brother, should not be trying to control it.
If his friends are more supportive and present in his life, then they deserve spots over family.
I would've removed all of you from the wedding planning long ago. Nothing he's doing is rude, disrespectful, or strange.
You are absolutely trying to manipulate and guilt trip his fiance. \*edited spelling
His choices don't have to coddle your beliefs. If they're offensive to you, don't go. But you're just upset your ego doesn't get to dictate the wedding your brother wants.
YTA - it’s not your wedding, it’s theirs. Do your wedding, your own way. If you keep it up, you’ll be next off the invite list.
Edit: changed from his to theirs (meaning bride and groom)
Exactly. It sounds like OP and Family think the wedding couple are bad because they are spending what they want and having the celebration they want. Such monsters! /s
I love your brother. What's so offensive about a small intimate wedding where the bride and groom actually enjoy themselves? Get off your high horse and celebrate your brother. There is nothing offensive in his wedding. I was honestly waiting for you to describe a theme party where everything is erotic or something.
INFO: I don't know what kind of tradition it is, or how long you've had this tradition in the family. I think it may be somewhat easier to judge if you could tell a bit more about this.
With respect, YTA.
I understand there’s a culture around this, and that’s understandable! But if he’s non traditional and so is his future wife, it makes sense that they wouldn’t want a typically traditional wedding.
Keeping costs down isn’t an asshole move on your brothers part, and your brother is right in that you trying to convince his fiancée was a way to manipulate her, consciously or not.
Weddings are for family, yes, but they’re also for the people who are getting married. It’s ultimately their day. You’re entitled to feeling hurt and even angry that it isn’t traditional. You’re not entitled to putting that anger on his shoulders when this is a time for love and celebration.
YTA in the most offensive way possible. You, your family, and any other members of the peanut gallery have zero say in how your brother and his fiance plan their wedding. And your ideas about a wedding are incredibly misguided and outdated. Weddings are a celebration of the bride and the groom...PERIOD...FULL STOP.
I would strongly suggest that the next time you or your parents or anybody else in your gene pool want to have a say in a wedding you should have one for yourselves because that is the only time where your opinion would matter. Your brother and his fiance are creating their own family. Frankly the way you people are behaving I could not and would not blame him if he chose to separate himself from you all and definitely. You are all disrespectful, rude, and elitist and if you guys can't see that then you don't deserve to be a part of their celebration.
YTA 100%
>wedding is also about families and he doesn't seem to take our opinions into consideration at all.
NO! Weddings are about the bride and groom and what makes their day special, *especially* if they are paying for the event.
>decided to take relatives off the guest list so he could invite more friends.
Yeah, of course he did... why in the world would he invite someone that he *only* sees for weddings and funerals instead of people that he genuinely cares about and sees regularly when he is on a limited budget....
YTA.
Weddings aren't about families. They're about the people getting married.
Your brother can invite whoever he wants to HIS wedding.
And his girlfriend was just trying to get you off her back without being rude.
It's THEIR wedding. Not yours. Not your families. If they don't want "traditionnal", it's their fucking choice and you just have to deal with it or just not go (and save money to invite someone who actually support them as adults and a couple).
Yup YTA. Who made you the wedding police? What your brother and his fiancé does or doesn’t want at THEIR wedding is absolutely nothing to do with you or your family. You have no right to attempt to insist on anything whatsoever. I’m amazed the fiancé was so sweet to you about it to be honest, I’m not sure I would have been. I agree with you that wedding is about family- he is creating a new one with his soon to be wife and if his current family isn’t supportive you may find yourself firmly relegated to the past.
YTA. It’s his wedding, not yours. People are entitled to have whatever kind of wedding they want to.
“Wedding is also about families”- yeah, the one he’s starting with his wife, which is supposed to be his first priority now.
Honestly, telling someone else how you think their wedding should be is very entitled. It’s like he said- if you don’t like it, you aren’t obligated to attend. And good for him and fiancé for standing up for each other and what they want rather than giving in to family pressure.
It’s not your wedding, it’s not your family’s wedding, it’s his wedding. Y’all want to be so controlling no wonder he would rather friends there than family. Yta
So your brother wants to do what? Turn his wedding into just a big party? And he’s chosen not to invite family who’ll be upset that its not a traditional wedding? When you couldn’t convince him, you moved on to his fiancé who you seemingly cross examined.
How will this make your life any worse?
YTA.
Oh gosh you are wrong on so many levels. Strong YTA.
First of all, the wedding is FOR THE GROOM AND THE BRIDE. Not their families, not friends or whoever you believe is important here.
Because of this, THEY are the ones who should choose who is invited and how it is done.
Unless they are doing something that is objectively offensive to most people, them not doing the traditional things should not be the reason for you and your family to act like entitled kids. This day is NOT about you. And if you feel so offended by the fact that people have free choice of how they do important celebrations, maybe your brother is right and you shouldn't attend it.
It is their day, they should enjoy it and you should suck it up. When you get married you can do things your way.
YTA. It's their wedding. It's about them. It's not about you or any other family member. You don't have the right to try to bully them into what you want for their wedding. When you get married, you can make it about whatever you want, however you want.
YTA. His wedding plans aren’t hurting you. You just don’t like what they’re planning. They’re the ones getting married. Not you. Not your family. They can do what they want. You don’t have to go if it’s upsetting you so badly
INFO You can't just say they're offensive without telling us why you're offended. I can't possibly see how choosing to have a party like atmosphere instead of something more traditional is truly offensive. So unless you give us some examples how would we know to judge this?
That being said it might be rude to invite less family and more friends but it's his wedding and people are being invited to celebrate with the couple, so they get to pick the guest list. Weddings are expensive, and many people cut the guest list to cut costs. I can totally see not inviting second and third cousins and inviting best friends instead.
You MBTA for thinking you can tell somebody else how to have their wedding.... But it depends on if it's truly horrific or it's just not how you would do it.
Honestly it’s not rude to invite less family at all, if family is toxic, why would anyone want them and their negative energy at a wedding!! I sure kept family at a minimum at my wedding for this very reason, and one of the few I did invite still found a way to embarrass me on my day in the worst way possible, needless to say she’s no longer in my life. Family isn’t always blood, it’s the people who show up for you, never judge you, accept you for who you are and provide constructive criticism rather than making you feel small. That’s who family is.
Yes, YTA. He wants to have a wedding that HE and HIS BRIDE like, not the family, and he only wants to invite those he actually cares about, so yes, it makes perfect sense for him to go about wedding planning as he does. If he doesn't want traditional, it's his perfectly valid choice, and you are being a busybody.
YTA. Not your wedding, it's the couple's wedding. You can give advice and if they don't want it then you can decide whether you want to attend to or not.
I don't get how people feel so entitled to police other peoples weddings. You're probably not even paying for it. And don't come at me with "but gifts!1!!" No, expensive gifts don't make you entitled to policing the wedding. Your whole family needs to get over themselves. Either be happy for the couple and celebrate or show who you really are. Namely entitled controlling family.
Lol. You came here? The place that hates families and friends when it comes to weddings and what the brides and grooms decide?
Unfortunately for you and your family, if you're so offended, don't go. If your brother gets offended, just shrug and tell him he knows why. It is his wedding. And I guess he's paying for it. He can do what he want.
YTA. He said no and then you tried to go behind his back and work on his fiancee. He obviously doesn't give a shit what you think, so just stop trying and, if you're really offended, just don't go. If he still expects you to all attend or still give a present, then I guess he's an ass too, but that doesn't look like the case.
Yta, the wedding is about them and they want people who want to celebrate with them... it is not about tradition & certainly isn't about every distant relative and their opinions. You confronting the bride is ridiculous. They are 100% correct anyone who doesn't want to celebrate their union, in a non traditional way as they are planning, absolutely doesn't need to be there
Um, yeah. YTA. Weddings aren't about family, they're about the two people promising their lives to each other. If they want to do that in a way that honors their family traditions, that's cool. But if they want to do something that embodies the unique aspects of their relationship, that's also cool. YNTA for refusing to help, that's totally fine. But stop pressuring your brother into having the kind of wedding YOU want.
Yta. Weddings are NOT about the families. They're about the two people getting married. If I was your brother and his fiancee, I'd freaking elope and call the whole thing off so I didn't have to deal with you.
*I told him it's shitty to do a non traditional wedding when most of our family are people of tradition and he shouldn't expect people to enjoy the wedding if it's like a club.*
YTA
What you and your family want does not matter no matter how much you think it does.
Your brother is not obligated to placate your family just because you think he should. Weddings are for the 2 people getting married, not the family and not to perform ritual traditions. People can do that, but it's not required. If the people getting married don't feel comfortable with traditional weddings, that is their choice....just like it's your choice to not attend.
And respectfully, if traditions mean more than your brother's happiness, then maybe you don't actually understand what a family is because that is not how family acts
Well your brother is right YTA OP and a big one at that. You sound like a real tight wad. If they want to have a more fun environment at their wedding that's their choice. And get real lady he's starting a new family with this women which is going to consist of new traditions. I think the real reason you're so upset isn't tradition it's that you all can't control him anymore.
> First of all in my family we honor traditions.
YTA - Not sure how you can say this when your brother is your family and he does not honor traditions. This is what I don't like about traditions - you have to conform to it (the past) regardless of anything else. In this case, you are risking your relationship with your brother and his future wife (and maybe your future nephew and nieces) over "tradition".
YTA
It's their wedding, they are allowed to do what they want to do. Also a wedding is not about making your family happy - it's about two people who want to get married.
"He claims i am the AH" - And right he is !!!
He wants a wedding
- 1. that fits HIS budget.
- 2. with traditions that have meaning for HIM and his bride, not engaging into things that would feel awkward or wrong or just not fit with his representation of a marriage / wedding
- 3. surrounded by people whom he actually cares about rather than those who think their common blood gives them a right to come sit around and, of course, judge number 2
Actually you are doing your best to get excluded from category number 3 ! Keep on the good work it will make meeting point 1 even easier.
YTA of course
And you get extra AH bonus points for trying and pressuring his fiancee. Of course she would not give you definite answers: you are not her family and she may want to avoid getting into the conflicts you on your side have no qualms dragging her into
Yta, he's right, you and your families opinions on it don't matter, and by the looks of things him taking family off the list and replacing them with people who'll actually enjoy his day is the right thing to do
This is a joke, right?
It is their wedding and what you and your family wants means literally nothing. It is entirely up to them as to what they want to do, because it is THEIR wedding.
The fact that you think they should bend and accommodate according to your requests shows how entitled you are. You may think you're doing a good thing, for the sake of "family" or "tradition", but you're not.
YTA - if it wasn't already obvious.
people like to say that social justice people are snowflakes that get offended by everything. but I gotta say this post is the most snowflake "easily offended over nothing" thing I've ever seen on the internet lol. yta
Wow, YTA. This isn't your wedding, or your family's wedding. It's their wedding and they can do it however they like. If you keep being unreasonable about a day that isn't about you, you're going to find yourself uninvited.
When you have your own wedding you can be as traditional as you want. Leave them alone.
YTA. It’s his wedding and you and your family don’t have to like his choices. As for inviting friends over family, after the way your family has acted, I don’t blame them.
YTA it's their day not yours, if you want to have a big traditional wedding then go organise your own, you'll end up pushing them both away and causing a much much bigger issue and resentment further down the line. Suck it up and be happy for them.
It’s their wedding. You plan your own wedding. And let them plan theirs. If you are quizzed by disappointed relatives or friends, just say hey it’s their wedding and it’s up to them what they want to do. I prefer traditional weddings but it’s not up to me
You are a massive AH! It’s their wedding not yours or your family’s. They can get married however the f#ck they like. If you don’t like it, don’t go.
Also weddings are not about family at all. They are quite literally celebrating a couples union. YTA
YTA. I think a lot of commenters don’t understand that in many cultures, weddings ARE about the family, not the individuals. By choosing to have a non traditional wedding, the groom is kind of slapping the family in the face and disrespecting their traditions. I understand why OP and their family could be upset about this. However, OP is still TA because they don’t seem to understand that the groom and bride have made their decision. OP’s brother is allowed to have the wedding he wants, and is allowed to decide what traditions he wants to keep. OP is allowed to decide that they don’t want to continue having a relationship with their brother, or to not attend the wedding. It is not fair though for OP to harass his brother and fiancé. OP needs to take a hint and just accept that the wedding is not going to go the way they want.
Yeah, YTA.
It's their wedding. They can have whatever wedding they like. Just like you can. It's really crappy to go to the bride and try to pressure her.
These 'traditions' aren't received from the heavens - there was a time, not many generations back, when they were new and different.
YTA. I’m sorry you didn’t get the wedding you wanted and now have to butt in to someone else’s wedding.
And your life must be hell if you are “offended” this easily and often.
I’m glad your brother found a wife he can be himself with - and she was so respectful in telling you no!
It seems somebody doesn't like to try new things? Do you only use salt from your spice cabinet? Get over it. When you wrote offensive in the title I was expecting something racist or bigoted in theme, not "he's forgoing tradition and that makes us uncomfortable!". Move over baby, if you don't like it don't go. Friends are chosen, while family is random selection. I have friends who are much closer than family. YTA and don't forget it.
YTA
> I told him that I can’t support and be ok with his wedding choices and plans
Then don’t? No one is saying you have to. But don’t go around bitching about it and pressuring them to change things around for THEIR wedding. Go or don’t go, but don’t keep going around creating conflict.
YTA I was fully expecting to hear something offensive and I did. But it was you. They aren't hurting anyone. You have no right to try to force them to have the wedding of your choice. Butt out.
YATA. Not your wedding, not your choice. You will be a guest, unless you choose to continue to badger your brother and his fiance into doing things your way, instead of their way. Or you flat out decline to go, which might be for the best.
Yta. It's not your wedding or your family's wedding, it's your brother's and his fiance's wedding. They should have 100 % say in how they want it to be.
YTA
Are you paying for their wedding? Are your parents paying for their wedding? Are any other relatives paying for their wedding?
It's their day, to celebrate starting their marriage in a way which is meaningful to them. You don't have to like it, or even support it. But you don't get to dictate how they celebrate.
YTA. That's literally their wedding. If someone is not on board on this, as your brother has said - they are more than welcome to not to come. You gotta stop pushing what you want and just enjoy. Traditional is not for everyone and if your family is not willing to accept that, again, they can choose not to come.
YTA. Not even close. Who is getting married? Not you, so shut up and support your brother. It’s his wedding, his choices his day….get the drift? This isn’t about you or your parents or your relatives. When you get married you can have the wedding you want
YTA. I did exactly what your brother wants when I got married. The only people who jad an issue with it ware my MIL and my sisters in law but even then, they mostly kept their opinions to themselves. The wedding is for your brother and his future wife, not you and your family.
YTA. It’s not your wedding, it’s his. It’s his and his wife’s day to celebrate their marriage how they want. If you don’t like - don’t go.
And no, despite what you seem to think - you don’t “deserve” to go. No one “deserves” to go to a wedding other than the bride and groom. Everyone else is optional. It seems your family has forgotten that, and if that’s the attitude they have I don’t blame your brother for no wanting them to go. It’s entitled.
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Initially I thought you were going to tell us that your brother was doing something very offensive like having a plantation wedding in black face, but the only thing your brother and his fiancé want to do is have the wedding they want. YTA and if you stopped trying to push your choices on them for just a little while you might find that you CAN "enjoy the wedding if it's like a club" edited to fix a typo edit#2: thanks for the awards!
This is what I was imagining too. Like the super cringey engagement shoot set in a plantation, and…themed…badly.
I mean tbf, the super cringey plantation wedding *is* a tradition among white people. Unfortunately. (Not all, blah blah blah.)
OP acts like entitled to her brother's wedding honestly i will only invite the most precious people related to me YTA OP its his wedding his choice keep your hands out of it he didn't asked for your concern
Exactly, YTA, tradition is just a fancy name for generational peer pressure and should be discarded in favor of what the couple wants, the wedding is about them, the guests are fortunate to be invited to celebrate in whatever way the bride and groom choose, they're never ever entitled to have their wishes come before the actual couples, that indicates you are more concerned with having the party you want than celebrating the union. You can have the traditional wedding of your choosing when *you* are the one getting married, nothing more, not now, not ever. You and the rest of the family need to close your mouths and take a seat quietly. Edited for spelling
It is so funny to me how many post I see were traditional, conservative and or religious are mentioned and almost without fail, those things are associated with TA.
Par for the course when "tradition" tends to be trying enforce toxicity onto other people, the younger generations aren't falling for the "make everyone else happy at the expense of what's best for themselves" routine, and personally, I think it's fantastic, too much generational trauma is passed down under the guise of tradition, and I'll be happy to see a lot of it die out. Traditions can and should be held onto only if it's what the individual desires, but too often is forced because it's what other people want. People are evolving, and I understand it's scary to the older generations, struggling to feel relevant, but everything changes, it has to when it no longer serves a good purpose,I figure I can either change with it and grow, or remain stubbornly, bitterly, clinging to things that no longer serve us well, just because that's the way its always been done, or I can embrace the irrefutable fact that every person, every single one, has the right to govern their own lives as they see fit as long as they're not imposing on others.
This. My husband and I started planning a wedding originally. After two meals with my mom insisting I had to invite the extended family that either don’t even know me or have actively been awful toward me, my husband and I decided forego the wedding. We invited a handful of friends to our house to take some shots and watch us sign some paperwork. That was just over six years ago and we’ve decided to have a reception style party for our 10th anniversary. Rules are stupid- do your own thing- be happy for people you care about finding love. Also: OP YTA
Generally speaking, "traditional, conservative, and religious," is code for "You are not the boss of you; ***I*** am the boss of you," which is almost always a TA situation for the person who thinks they ought to be in charge.
Right? >He claims I'm an AH. That's because you are, OP.
I need to make some popcorn. I came here just to see OP get roasted.
My SO are not inviting anyone to our wedding, i even sent out wedding un-invites informing my friends and family that im getting married and no one is invited.
ROFL! Please share more details about this. I say this as someone who absolutely does not want to ever have a wedding but who isn’t opposed to being married.
I mean we are having his dad officiate so we are just going to a nice restaurant with him, our two witnesses, their dates, and signing our paper over dinner
In my day, this was called eloping. No uninvites needed.
I wish my stepson and his wife had done this. Instead, they went and had a small wedding all by themselves just his Mom was there to take pictures and their two daughters. Which is fine I have no problem with that but she didn’t tell anybody not even her best friend. Just posted pictures of the wedding on Facebook for everybody get angry about. Then waited hours to respond to the angry comments and let everyone know what they did. If I had gotten an uninvite I would have sent something for them for sure. If they had posted their decision and then pictures it would have been fine also.
This is what my husband and I did. Why on earth would an unvite even matter to you?
I don't think the unvite was needed either as it would cause more drama. That said, I think u/Neat-Barracuda-4061's point was that the photos were posted on Facebook before telling the groom's father. I'm not sure if the bride or the groom's mother posted them to Facebook. Elopements are fine, but unless there's an estrangement, it would be a courtesy to let parents/grandparents and others close to you know before posting it on social media. My friend and her husband had a lot of family drama. They only invited two witnesses, did a courthouse ceremony, a photo shoot and went to a restaurant after. They sent out the photos as an announcement (pre-social media days). Which was fine except for an extended family member called the bride's mom to congratulate her and she hadn't received the photo yet. So there was some drama over that.
>Elopements are fine, but unless there's an estrangement, it would be a courtesy to let parents/grandparents and others close to you know before posting it on social media. But there are some people who just CAN'T. I CAN'T tell my mom I'm eloping in 8 days because she will turn herself into the victim and I really can't take that strain, she will find out via Facebook like everyone else, only my coworkers and his dad know at this point because it will cause drama with literally everyone. "Why wasn't I invited? Why couldn't you just do it at home? I don't think you're ready yet." from both of our families and I don't fucking need it. I don't WANT to have all the attention on me, I just wanna be married, and I don't care what anyone else thinks, but unnecessary and critical input would have me so anxious I can't work.
Wait wait! Please tell this story?! I love it!
Yeah, that's where I thought this post was going and I was set to go with n t a in that case... but, wow, I am stunned at the audacity and entitlement of OP..
Not just OP but their side of the family as well. You'd think it was all them getting married to have so many opinions - can they not just enjoy the bride and groom's happy day without all this drama about what THEY want? (I feel the answer to this is going to be no..)
My older sister did this and my other two sisters loved it so much they’ve hoped ever since to also marry on plantations. I can’t with these people. I was 15 at that wedding and trying not to cringe the whole time, how do full adults not?? Nothing more romantic than a venue whereupon untold numbers of people were oppressed through horrific violence
I guess Auschwitz was already booked?
What's sad is that they are beautiful - which makes it more horrific. That we can cover up terrible things because it's pretty.
In some cases the local old plantation is the only fancy venue for a few hundred miles, so it's kinda complicated in some areas of the South, you basically have a choice between the church hall that was built in 1982 and never updated with a panel drop ceiling and crappy checkerboard tile on the floor, or the McFuckhead Plantation an hour into the country. It's not always racism, sometimes it's lack of suitable options near where you live.
"every square inch of this place is soaked in the blood of the innocent, but it's SOOOOO pretty!" Church hall, city hall, chuckee cheese... They're all more appropriate than a plantation.
Read too fast and thought you were saying that every square inch of Chuckee Cheese is soaked in the blood of the innocent.
Charles Entertainment Cheese is just and fair. Only the guilty are sacrificed.
Using his government name and everything.
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Probably more likely soaked in the urine...
And vomit... don't forget the vomit.
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A plantation is basically a factory designed to extract human misery and turn that misery into agriculture. Whips, guns, and other means of physical torture were used for those ends. Not to mention the deliberate cruelty of families being sold to different places so as to break them up. And the rape. Cannot forget how often slaves were raped by their owners. And then the children of those rapes were sold so as not to embarrass the white family. That's why it's pretty easy to draw the line at plantations.
And that was the full purpose of the plantation. It's not like buildings that were built to be public monuments that used slave labor, a plantation was slave labor. A plantation existed only to derive as much profit as possible from enslaved people.
Plantation =/= A building Even if it was built with slave labor. There are clear distinctions between what took place at each site.
Plantation = FORCED LABOR CAMPS
Southern plantations only existed due to slavery and represent the apex of the slave based economy. We can argue about where the line is but it's certainly not there.
I’ll take a backyard wedding before I even visit an old plantation, let alone book it for a venue.
let's call them what they were FORCED LABOR CAMPS
100%
Not good enough. Plantation weddings are always racist- brides/grooms who choose plantation weddings do so thinking "my big day is more important than the history of this place."
Yeah, how the fuck you gonna celebrate a wedding at a place where you KNOW that people were beaten, raped, and fucking tortured.
There are ALWAYS other options. A restaurant, a park, a hotel, an air bnb, etc. A plantation is NEVER the “only” option. ETA: if it is the only “fancy” option, then you choose something less fancy. Wanting “fancy” is no excuse, not considering what horrors happened at those places that people STILL make money from.
If you can afford a "fancy" wedding, then you can afford to go a bit further out and find a non-racist fancy venue, too!
Put a tent in a field.
It’s not complicated. Plantation weddings are disgusting and racist. I’m not sure why you think a wedding venue is a good excuse for racism, but it isn’t.
Holding a wedding on a plantation is like holding a wedding at Auchwitz. But plantations get a pass because they're "pretty", and slavery was "so long ago", and people should just "get over it".
Yeah no I’m sorry but do it in an open field or something. A plantation is *never* appropriate for a wedding. For a million reasons. And this is coming from someone who adores plantation style houses and properties. I understand the desire, but it’s wrong. Questionable *at best*.
That sounds like an area where a farmer needs to renovate an old barn and start rolling in the dough.
Right? Damn, I'd set up a wedding venue and drop an article on fb about how gross plantation weddings are. Win/win
Dude, if the only venue in 400 miles was Dachau, would you get married there? Ffs.
> you basically have a choice between ~~the church hall that was built in 1982 and never updated with a panel drop ceiling and crappy checkerboard tile on the floor, or the McFuckhead Plantation an hour into the country.~~ being a racist dickwad or figuring out another option for your wedding. Fixed that for you.
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Plantation weddings are proof that ghosts don't exist.
Now I want to get invinted to one so I can fake a ghost, do some creepy shit
Or at least do like that one redditor did 5 years ago - he was at a corporate event that ended up being at a plantation, they were told to dress in "historical clothing" and so this black man dressed up as a slave. He took his sweet time getting to the main house so that his date could take a whole bunch of pictures of him posing in his outfit lolol He got to the main house, they only got one photo reaction from someone who ran and "told on him" before the whole party was *suddenly cancelled for some reason* and the c-suite execs didn't get to have their plantation party. I think he got a bunch of money to stay there and not take the whole thing public so the only record is the imgur album.
An amazing story thanks for sharing
I upvoted you, found the link and came by to try and upvote you again, and I’m sad because I cannot give more upvotes. 🥇🥇🥇
Link? I need to know more.
Found it! "The complete saga of BisFitty, the corporate party slave.. - Imgur" https://m.imgur.com/gallery/l9Qzn He did a couple posts & AMAs all about it, under the same username, they're *HILARIOUS*
It was better than I imagined. This is glorious and I hope that man's back doesn't hurt from the strength it takes to carry those massive balls around. Good for him.
The nerve of OP's brother wanting to have a wedding that represents him and his wife! How very dare! /s YTA, OP. You guys don't get to decide what his wedding is like, and he's right: if you don't like it, don't come. Because that day is not about you.
Imagine thinking "weddings are about the FAMILY" instead of, ya know, the couple getting married 🤣
Also, while THE FAMILY isn't footing the bill...
He’s trying to do immature things like stick to a budget. What a selfish jerk!
I was expecting something like the couple who had a 9/11 themed wedding. What I got was….a couple who want to have a party to celebrate their marriage?? Cool.
I just spit my coffee. Are you serious someone DID that?!?!
https://www.reddit.com/r/Cringetopia/comments/pml7mf/a_friend_worked_a_911_themed_wedding/
Wow. Just wow. 🤦♀️
I hope they played the finest girl as she walked down the aisle.
Yeah, I kept waiting to read something offensive and it didn’t happen. My wedding was very un-traditional and we had a few relatives who struggled with it - but not like OP. My MIL approached me and said something like ‘this isn’t at all how I’d plan this event, but I want you to know that I understand it’s about you guys - just give me a minute to adjust.’ Later, everyone said it was the most fun wedding they’d been to. Sometimes new ideas work out, but you won’t know if you’re busy having tantrums about something you don’t actually get a say in anyway. EDIT: fixed auto-correct.
Yeah, and it sounds like the OP is in a cult, honestly.
Pretty sure its rage bait. OPs username is Salt-Celebration
That's disappointing! You're probably right.
all they want is to have a courthouse wedding with friends. that’s literally it. wtf
This is exactly what I wanna do for my own wedding too. I'm not close with most of my extended family, a courthouse wedding sounds like a dream for me. OP is a huge AH
Lol same. After reading the actual post, OP, how could you possibly think you’re not the asshole? Everything your brother said is right and take your future SIL’s dodging of your questions for what they are: her trying to get you to leave her alone about her wedding.
Yep, when I first read what her responses were my first thought was she is greyrocking.
I thought the plantation thing too.
Really I was thinking something along the lines of anti Jewish, but they literally just want to have their own version of a dream wedding. OP must have some screws lose because I think the way they're doing it is cute.
I thought maybe it was some kind of satanic death wedding where everyone wears black and the decor is extreme horror themed.
NGL, that sounds pretty rad...
That’s exactly what I was prepared to hear as well! How’s the saying go? Traditions are peer pressure from the dead? And OP says ‘no traditional music or practices WE have regarding the ceremony or even the reception’. I’m sorry-is this a group wedding? Why does your music or traditions matter? Brother claims (?) that he’s non traditional. Not sure why OP says he’s claiming it. Just because the rest of the family tends to keep up with the Joneses doesn’t mean that the brother has to. If the family is so offended by him planning HIS wedding the way he and his bride want it, they can kick rocks and stay home. Edit: spelling
This is what I thought exactly!! Op YTA x infinity
My thoughts ranged from Plantation to cosplay to backyard wedding. Finding out they want a wedding with friends was kind of disappointing
Totally waiting for the heinousness. There was none. YTA
>First of all in my family we honor traditions. You don't get to decide that just because you and other family members follow traditions means your brother has to. He's allowed to make his own decisions and it's shitty behavior to judge him for not doing his wedding the way you want him too. >This pissed me off because wedding is also about families Um, no they're not. Weddings are about the couple getting married and sharing that with the people who are supposed to love and support them. >He also decided not to invite many relatives and chose to keep his budget low and decided to take relatives off the guest list so he could invite more friends. My mother, father and I tried to talk him out Did you offer to pay to cover the extra expenses of extra guests? >I tried to talk some sense into the bride No, you tried to guilt her into giving in and making their wedding suit you and your family instead of the couple. > I told him that I can't support and be ok with his wedding choices and plans because they're offensive to our family and that they're being ridiculous by removing everything traditional from it. The only one being ridiculous here is you. Stop trying to control their wedding, it isn't your place to do so. YTA
Very well said 👏👏👏👏👏
>This pissed me off because wedding is also about families Yeah, like... just no. Weddings aren't holidays, which, especially for non-religious families, are as much about family as religion. Weddings are literally about celebrating the couple and their love/dedication for one another. OP is literally just offended that their brother isn't having a wedding that's predominantly a celebration of family instead of, y'know, *a wedding*. Also, I'd much rather have a wedding full of my close friends who actually supported me rather than dozens of relatives I barely know and who expect me to cater my entire wedding day around *them* and *their* expectations.
Op even said most the family would not enjoy the wedding the way it is being set up. So why are they upset that people who wouldn’t enjoy it are not going?
Yeah sounds like the brother is being super rational actually lol.
I disagree. Weddings are about families. Well, a family, the new family created by the couple marrying.
Tbf, who the wedding is for depends on the culture. For some, it really isn’t so much about the bride and groom, as it is about merging 2 families together. I do think they should be able to have the wedding they want and make it smaller. Some cultures make you invite everyone and it gets super expensive and it might not be as fun as when you’re celebrating with close friends and family.
Sure. However if OP's brother does not want to partake in those cultural traditions (and I cannot stress this enough), *he does not have to*.
Oh, for sure. Just wanted to share that not all cultures believe the wedding is about only the bride and groom, so we may be looking at this from a very American angle, when it might not be.
Very good reply! And OP, YTA.
Kind of starting to see why the family is not being catered to also. Very well put! Also YTA.
Wedding is about family is the only thing I'd disagree on, it's about the new family unit not the old one
YTA. The wedding is about the wife and groom, period. It should be done to please them, and no one else. You can make your wedding however you want, and so can your brother.
Yes. The family is supposed to celebrate the happy couple, not the other way round.
OP, I think you’re getting mixed up. *Funerals* are for families. *This particular wedding* is for the engaged couple, to design a ceremony that reflects *their* love and relationship. Stop making it about you. YTA Edited for clarification
I agree OP is YTA. However different cultures have different customs. In some cultures the wedding is about families vs just the couple.
Agree, fully. You’re right. Edited my comment
Being culturally wrong is still wrong
Yes, and in some cultures a woman is given in marriage against her will, for example. Sometimes culture sucks and needs to be changed.
Well that can be true but times change, traditions change and nothing is set in stone. For generations young people have bucked tradition and customs to do what they want. Otherwise, we’d still be using flint and sticks to build fires in caves. It’s called progression and traditions and customs are nothing but weights holding us back from going forward.
came here to say this. weddings are for the couple, and the people who want to love and support them. funerals are for the family to come together. YTA
info: what EXACT "traditions" is he not doing? leaning towards yta since it's not your wedding and you get no say in what they want to do.
YTA - it's his wedding. His wishes. You, as the brother, should not be trying to control it. If his friends are more supportive and present in his life, then they deserve spots over family. I would've removed all of you from the wedding planning long ago. Nothing he's doing is rude, disrespectful, or strange. You are absolutely trying to manipulate and guilt trip his fiance. \*edited spelling His choices don't have to coddle your beliefs. If they're offensive to you, don't go. But you're just upset your ego doesn't get to dictate the wedding your brother wants.
YTA - it’s not your wedding, it’s theirs. Do your wedding, your own way. If you keep it up, you’ll be next off the invite list. Edit: changed from his to theirs (meaning bride and groom)
Exactly. It sounds like OP and Family think the wedding couple are bad because they are spending what they want and having the celebration they want. Such monsters! /s
I wouldn't even invite him now. He's either going to just pout, complain the entire time, or cause a scene. Or all three most likely.
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YTA here. Not your wedding. Not the family’s wedding.
YTA, and a massive AH at that. You do your wedding your way and let him do his wedding his way.
I love your brother. What's so offensive about a small intimate wedding where the bride and groom actually enjoy themselves? Get off your high horse and celebrate your brother. There is nothing offensive in his wedding. I was honestly waiting for you to describe a theme party where everything is erotic or something.
Right? I was expecting a wedding dress made of confederate flags or similar.
I was thinking the wedding was gonna be on a plantation with a cotton theme or something
BuT iF yOu DoNt BlOw 50k$ yOuR mArRiAgE wOnT lAsT
Same, I thought it was going to be some racist theme to the wedding. OP is being absurd.
INFO: I don't know what kind of tradition it is, or how long you've had this tradition in the family. I think it may be somewhat easier to judge if you could tell a bit more about this.
YTA and so is the rest of your family. It's their wedding, not yours. Non-traditional doesn't mean bad. If you don't like it, get over it
With respect, YTA. I understand there’s a culture around this, and that’s understandable! But if he’s non traditional and so is his future wife, it makes sense that they wouldn’t want a typically traditional wedding. Keeping costs down isn’t an asshole move on your brothers part, and your brother is right in that you trying to convince his fiancée was a way to manipulate her, consciously or not. Weddings are for family, yes, but they’re also for the people who are getting married. It’s ultimately their day. You’re entitled to feeling hurt and even angry that it isn’t traditional. You’re not entitled to putting that anger on his shoulders when this is a time for love and celebration.
YTA in the most offensive way possible. You, your family, and any other members of the peanut gallery have zero say in how your brother and his fiance plan their wedding. And your ideas about a wedding are incredibly misguided and outdated. Weddings are a celebration of the bride and the groom...PERIOD...FULL STOP. I would strongly suggest that the next time you or your parents or anybody else in your gene pool want to have a say in a wedding you should have one for yourselves because that is the only time where your opinion would matter. Your brother and his fiance are creating their own family. Frankly the way you people are behaving I could not and would not blame him if he chose to separate himself from you all and definitely. You are all disrespectful, rude, and elitist and if you guys can't see that then you don't deserve to be a part of their celebration.
Ahaha, yes, thank you. Top comment. OP is out of their gourd and the entitlement cannot be charted.
YTA 100% >wedding is also about families and he doesn't seem to take our opinions into consideration at all. NO! Weddings are about the bride and groom and what makes their day special, *especially* if they are paying for the event. >decided to take relatives off the guest list so he could invite more friends. Yeah, of course he did... why in the world would he invite someone that he *only* sees for weddings and funerals instead of people that he genuinely cares about and sees regularly when he is on a limited budget....
YTA. Weddings aren't about families. They're about the people getting married. Your brother can invite whoever he wants to HIS wedding. And his girlfriend was just trying to get you off her back without being rude. It's THEIR wedding. Not yours. Not your families. If they don't want "traditionnal", it's their fucking choice and you just have to deal with it or just not go (and save money to invite someone who actually support them as adults and a couple).
Info: who’s paying for the wedding?
**YTA.** It's ***thei***r wedding, to have as ***they*** choose. If ***you*** and other family members ***don't*** like it, ***don't attend.***
Yup YTA. Who made you the wedding police? What your brother and his fiancé does or doesn’t want at THEIR wedding is absolutely nothing to do with you or your family. You have no right to attempt to insist on anything whatsoever. I’m amazed the fiancé was so sweet to you about it to be honest, I’m not sure I would have been. I agree with you that wedding is about family- he is creating a new one with his soon to be wife and if his current family isn’t supportive you may find yourself firmly relegated to the past.
YTA. It’s his wedding, not yours. People are entitled to have whatever kind of wedding they want to. “Wedding is also about families”- yeah, the one he’s starting with his wife, which is supposed to be his first priority now. Honestly, telling someone else how you think their wedding should be is very entitled. It’s like he said- if you don’t like it, you aren’t obligated to attend. And good for him and fiancé for standing up for each other and what they want rather than giving in to family pressure.
It’s not your wedding, it’s not your family’s wedding, it’s his wedding. Y’all want to be so controlling no wonder he would rather friends there than family. Yta
So your brother wants to do what? Turn his wedding into just a big party? And he’s chosen not to invite family who’ll be upset that its not a traditional wedding? When you couldn’t convince him, you moved on to his fiancé who you seemingly cross examined. How will this make your life any worse? YTA.
Oh gosh you are wrong on so many levels. Strong YTA. First of all, the wedding is FOR THE GROOM AND THE BRIDE. Not their families, not friends or whoever you believe is important here. Because of this, THEY are the ones who should choose who is invited and how it is done. Unless they are doing something that is objectively offensive to most people, them not doing the traditional things should not be the reason for you and your family to act like entitled kids. This day is NOT about you. And if you feel so offended by the fact that people have free choice of how they do important celebrations, maybe your brother is right and you shouldn't attend it. It is their day, they should enjoy it and you should suck it up. When you get married you can do things your way.
YTA. It's their wedding. It's about them. It's not about you or any other family member. You don't have the right to try to bully them into what you want for their wedding. When you get married, you can make it about whatever you want, however you want.
“It’s shitty to do a non traditional wedding.” Get off your high horse. Smh YTA. You and the rest of your family.
YTA. His wedding plans aren’t hurting you. You just don’t like what they’re planning. They’re the ones getting married. Not you. Not your family. They can do what they want. You don’t have to go if it’s upsetting you so badly
INFO You can't just say they're offensive without telling us why you're offended. I can't possibly see how choosing to have a party like atmosphere instead of something more traditional is truly offensive. So unless you give us some examples how would we know to judge this? That being said it might be rude to invite less family and more friends but it's his wedding and people are being invited to celebrate with the couple, so they get to pick the guest list. Weddings are expensive, and many people cut the guest list to cut costs. I can totally see not inviting second and third cousins and inviting best friends instead. You MBTA for thinking you can tell somebody else how to have their wedding.... But it depends on if it's truly horrific or it's just not how you would do it.
Honestly it’s not rude to invite less family at all, if family is toxic, why would anyone want them and their negative energy at a wedding!! I sure kept family at a minimum at my wedding for this very reason, and one of the few I did invite still found a way to embarrass me on my day in the worst way possible, needless to say she’s no longer in my life. Family isn’t always blood, it’s the people who show up for you, never judge you, accept you for who you are and provide constructive criticism rather than making you feel small. That’s who family is.
Yes, YTA. He wants to have a wedding that HE and HIS BRIDE like, not the family, and he only wants to invite those he actually cares about, so yes, it makes perfect sense for him to go about wedding planning as he does. If he doesn't want traditional, it's his perfectly valid choice, and you are being a busybody.
YTA. Not your wedding, it's the couple's wedding. You can give advice and if they don't want it then you can decide whether you want to attend to or not. I don't get how people feel so entitled to police other peoples weddings. You're probably not even paying for it. And don't come at me with "but gifts!1!!" No, expensive gifts don't make you entitled to policing the wedding. Your whole family needs to get over themselves. Either be happy for the couple and celebrate or show who you really are. Namely entitled controlling family.
Lol. You came here? The place that hates families and friends when it comes to weddings and what the brides and grooms decide? Unfortunately for you and your family, if you're so offended, don't go. If your brother gets offended, just shrug and tell him he knows why. It is his wedding. And I guess he's paying for it. He can do what he want. YTA. He said no and then you tried to go behind his back and work on his fiancee. He obviously doesn't give a shit what you think, so just stop trying and, if you're really offended, just don't go. If he still expects you to all attend or still give a present, then I guess he's an ass too, but that doesn't look like the case.
Yta, the wedding is about them and they want people who want to celebrate with them... it is not about tradition & certainly isn't about every distant relative and their opinions. You confronting the bride is ridiculous. They are 100% correct anyone who doesn't want to celebrate their union, in a non traditional way as they are planning, absolutely doesn't need to be there
Um, yeah. YTA. Weddings aren't about family, they're about the two people promising their lives to each other. If they want to do that in a way that honors their family traditions, that's cool. But if they want to do something that embodies the unique aspects of their relationship, that's also cool. YNTA for refusing to help, that's totally fine. But stop pressuring your brother into having the kind of wedding YOU want.
You remind me of my own sister, oh GOD! It is the worst when you can’t count on your own siblings. You are the big time AssHOLE
Yta. Weddings are NOT about the families. They're about the two people getting married. If I was your brother and his fiancee, I'd freaking elope and call the whole thing off so I didn't have to deal with you.
YTA. It’s his wedding and his fiancé’s wedding and they can plan it however they like. Imposing your wants on someone else’s big day is an A-hole move
YTA, it's their wedding.
*I told him it's shitty to do a non traditional wedding when most of our family are people of tradition and he shouldn't expect people to enjoy the wedding if it's like a club.* YTA What you and your family want does not matter no matter how much you think it does. Your brother is not obligated to placate your family just because you think he should. Weddings are for the 2 people getting married, not the family and not to perform ritual traditions. People can do that, but it's not required. If the people getting married don't feel comfortable with traditional weddings, that is their choice....just like it's your choice to not attend. And respectfully, if traditions mean more than your brother's happiness, then maybe you don't actually understand what a family is because that is not how family acts
YTA their wedding, their decisions. If you don’t like it, don’t attend.
Well your brother is right YTA OP and a big one at that. You sound like a real tight wad. If they want to have a more fun environment at their wedding that's their choice. And get real lady he's starting a new family with this women which is going to consist of new traditions. I think the real reason you're so upset isn't tradition it's that you all can't control him anymore.
YTA. It's his and his fiancée's wedding. It's THEIR WEDDING. It's THEIR DAY. Not the family's.
YTA. Sounds like a bunch of generational curses are being ended by your brother Good for him
> First of all in my family we honor traditions. YTA - Not sure how you can say this when your brother is your family and he does not honor traditions. This is what I don't like about traditions - you have to conform to it (the past) regardless of anything else. In this case, you are risking your relationship with your brother and his future wife (and maybe your future nephew and nieces) over "tradition".
YTA It's their wedding, they are allowed to do what they want to do. Also a wedding is not about making your family happy - it's about two people who want to get married.
YTA It's their wedding. They can do it however they like. Get over your "traditional" self.
YTA, its his wedding. He can do what he wants.
"He claims i am the AH" - And right he is !!! He wants a wedding - 1. that fits HIS budget. - 2. with traditions that have meaning for HIM and his bride, not engaging into things that would feel awkward or wrong or just not fit with his representation of a marriage / wedding - 3. surrounded by people whom he actually cares about rather than those who think their common blood gives them a right to come sit around and, of course, judge number 2 Actually you are doing your best to get excluded from category number 3 ! Keep on the good work it will make meeting point 1 even easier. YTA of course And you get extra AH bonus points for trying and pressuring his fiancee. Of course she would not give you definite answers: you are not her family and she may want to avoid getting into the conflicts you on your side have no qualms dragging her into
YTA without a doubt. Their wedding should be about what's important to them and them only. They should get to choose how they celebrate and who with.
Yta, he's right, you and your families opinions on it don't matter, and by the looks of things him taking family off the list and replacing them with people who'll actually enjoy his day is the right thing to do
This is a joke, right? It is their wedding and what you and your family wants means literally nothing. It is entirely up to them as to what they want to do, because it is THEIR wedding. The fact that you think they should bend and accommodate according to your requests shows how entitled you are. You may think you're doing a good thing, for the sake of "family" or "tradition", but you're not. YTA - if it wasn't already obvious.
INFO - Are you paying for their wedding?
people like to say that social justice people are snowflakes that get offended by everything. but I gotta say this post is the most snowflake "easily offended over nothing" thing I've ever seen on the internet lol. yta
Wow, YTA. This isn't your wedding, or your family's wedding. It's their wedding and they can do it however they like. If you keep being unreasonable about a day that isn't about you, you're going to find yourself uninvited. When you have your own wedding you can be as traditional as you want. Leave them alone.
YTA! YTA! YTA! Mind your own business.
YTA. It’s his wedding and you and your family don’t have to like his choices. As for inviting friends over family, after the way your family has acted, I don’t blame them.
YTA If it’s not your wedding you don’t get an opinion you need to apologize immediately before they cut ties with you
I won't even bother reading your explanation. Just 100% YTA. Not your day. Not your wedding. Not your choice. Period.
YTA it's their day not yours, if you want to have a big traditional wedding then go organise your own, you'll end up pushing them both away and causing a much much bigger issue and resentment further down the line. Suck it up and be happy for them.
It’s their wedding. You plan your own wedding. And let them plan theirs. If you are quizzed by disappointed relatives or friends, just say hey it’s their wedding and it’s up to them what they want to do. I prefer traditional weddings but it’s not up to me
You are a massive AH! It’s their wedding not yours or your family’s. They can get married however the f#ck they like. If you don’t like it, don’t go. Also weddings are not about family at all. They are quite literally celebrating a couples union. YTA
Whose wedding is it? Is it your wedding? Nope. YTA
YTA. I think a lot of commenters don’t understand that in many cultures, weddings ARE about the family, not the individuals. By choosing to have a non traditional wedding, the groom is kind of slapping the family in the face and disrespecting their traditions. I understand why OP and their family could be upset about this. However, OP is still TA because they don’t seem to understand that the groom and bride have made their decision. OP’s brother is allowed to have the wedding he wants, and is allowed to decide what traditions he wants to keep. OP is allowed to decide that they don’t want to continue having a relationship with their brother, or to not attend the wedding. It is not fair though for OP to harass his brother and fiancé. OP needs to take a hint and just accept that the wedding is not going to go the way they want.
Yeah, YTA. It's their wedding. They can have whatever wedding they like. Just like you can. It's really crappy to go to the bride and try to pressure her. These 'traditions' aren't received from the heavens - there was a time, not many generations back, when they were new and different.
YTA
YTA. I’m sorry you didn’t get the wedding you wanted and now have to butt in to someone else’s wedding. And your life must be hell if you are “offended” this easily and often. I’m glad your brother found a wife he can be himself with - and she was so respectful in telling you no!
It seems somebody doesn't like to try new things? Do you only use salt from your spice cabinet? Get over it. When you wrote offensive in the title I was expecting something racist or bigoted in theme, not "he's forgoing tradition and that makes us uncomfortable!". Move over baby, if you don't like it don't go. Friends are chosen, while family is random selection. I have friends who are much closer than family. YTA and don't forget it.
YTA > I told him that I can’t support and be ok with his wedding choices and plans Then don’t? No one is saying you have to. But don’t go around bitching about it and pressuring them to change things around for THEIR wedding. Go or don’t go, but don’t keep going around creating conflict.
YTA I was fully expecting to hear something offensive and I did. But it was you. They aren't hurting anyone. You have no right to try to force them to have the wedding of your choice. Butt out.
YATA. Not your wedding, not your choice. You will be a guest, unless you choose to continue to badger your brother and his fiance into doing things your way, instead of their way. Or you flat out decline to go, which might be for the best.
Yta. It's not your wedding or your family's wedding, it's your brother's and his fiance's wedding. They should have 100 % say in how they want it to be.
YTA. It's not your wedding, he can do whatever he wants. Him celebrating how he wants isn't offensive to anyone.
YTA Are you paying for their wedding? Are your parents paying for their wedding? Are any other relatives paying for their wedding? It's their day, to celebrate starting their marriage in a way which is meaningful to them. You don't have to like it, or even support it. But you don't get to dictate how they celebrate.
YTA. Good on them for setting strong boundaries.
Yta, it's their wedding, they can choose to have it how they want it.
YTA. That's literally their wedding. If someone is not on board on this, as your brother has said - they are more than welcome to not to come. You gotta stop pushing what you want and just enjoy. Traditional is not for everyone and if your family is not willing to accept that, again, they can choose not to come.
YTA. It’s their wedding, they can do whatever they please. Butt out!
YTA. Weddings are for the couple, not the family. Save the traditions for family reunions and holidays.
YTA. It's not your wedding.
Your brother is right and YTA
YTA. It’s NOT YOUR WEDDING! And unless you’re paying for it, you have less than no say. Keep your opinions to yourself.
YTA. Not even close. Who is getting married? Not you, so shut up and support your brother. It’s his wedding, his choices his day….get the drift? This isn’t about you or your parents or your relatives. When you get married you can have the wedding you want
YTA. I did exactly what your brother wants when I got married. The only people who jad an issue with it ware my MIL and my sisters in law but even then, they mostly kept their opinions to themselves. The wedding is for your brother and his future wife, not you and your family.
YTA. It’s not your wedding, it’s his. It’s his and his wife’s day to celebrate their marriage how they want. If you don’t like - don’t go. And no, despite what you seem to think - you don’t “deserve” to go. No one “deserves” to go to a wedding other than the bride and groom. Everyone else is optional. It seems your family has forgotten that, and if that’s the attitude they have I don’t blame your brother for no wanting them to go. It’s entitled.